Skip to main content

Full text of "Punch"

See other formats 


,  ^  * 

i  **  <  • 

,, «< 


MiS 


- 
. 


« 

«r    '*- 


*-• 


•t 

^ 


- 


<        r 


'  c- 


<r 

"• 


-;'  5 


rcyl 


-<:<< 


,       o 


'<-• 


C  GCI 

<,«  t'C 


JAMES  NICHOLSON 

TORONTO.CANADA 


Presented  to  the 
LIBRARY  of  the 

UNIVERSITY  OF  TORONTO 


THE  ESTATE  OF  THE  LATE 
JAMES  NICHOLSON 


LONDON : 
PUBLISHED    AT    THE    OFFICE,     85,     FLEET    STREET, 


AND   SOLD   BT  ALL  BOOKSELLERS. 

1857. 


xO         / 


OP 

101 

pt 


LONDON  : 
BBADBURT    AND    KVANS,   PRINTERS,  Will '.  EFRIARS, 


PUNCTUAL  (like  American  fashions)  to  French  time,  which  is  rather  faster,  especially  on  the  Tuileries' 
clock,   than  that  of  England,   His  Serene    Highness,  the  COMET,  duly  arrived    on  the    appointed  date. 
As    other    foreign    illustriousnesses  are    sometimes  attended    by  a  scent   of  consumed  cigars,  H.  S.  H.  was 
accompanied  by    an  odour    as    of  burned-out  planets.     His  head  in  a  wide-awake,   and    his  tail   enveloped 
in  asbestos  continuations,  H.  S.  H.  hastened  to  report  himself  under  St.  Bride's. 

"What's  brought  you?"    said  MK.  PUNCH — whose  maxim,  debellare  superbos,  is   ever  before  him. 

"  Why,  I  was  prophesied,"  replied  the  COMET,  humbly,  "  and  I  did  not  like  to  disgrace  SCIENCE, 
who  has  been  so  fortunate  in  all  her  predictions  of  late  years." 

"  True,"  replied  MR.  PUNCH,  more  graciously.  "  Very  true.  GEORGE  STEPHENSON  was  never  to 
drive  a  railway  car  more  than  eight  miles  an  hour — Steam  across  the  Atlantic  was  impossible — the 
Crystal  Palace  must  crunch  up  by  vibration,  or  be  blown  to  sea  by  the  winds — and  now  the  Telegraph 
to  America  will  not  carry  a  message,  and  the  Great  Eastern  is  an  ark  to  which  no  dove  will  bring  a 
dividend.  You  are  right,  SCIENCE  has  been  happy  in  her  auguries,  and  she  foretold  you.  You  are 
welcome.  Sit  down,  if  your  arrangements  permit  that  attitude." 

The  COMET,  severing  asunder  his  glittering  tail  as  easily  as  one  of  PETER  WILKINS'S  Flying 
Indians  adjusted  her  graundee,  took  a  chair. 

"  May  I  ask  what  news  is  stirring  ? "   said  H.  S.  H. 

"In  our  Earth?"   asked  MR.  PUNCH.     "Well,  none.     The  four  Continents  are  at  peace — " 

"  Eh  ? "  said  the  COMET.  "  I  took  China,  America,  and  Algeria  in  my  way,  and  gun-boats  were 
throwing  shells,  Filibusters  were  engaging  regulars,  and  Zouaves  were  driving  dark  fellows  into  caves — " 

"  If  your  Serene  Highness  had  been  kind  enough  to  hear  me  out,"  said  MR.  PUNCH,  "  I  was  going 
to  add — the  four  Continents,  with  the  exception  of  Asia,  Africa,  and  America.  In  Europe  we  are  keeping 
the  peace  with  great  solemnity.  Louis  NAPOLEON,  setting  example,  insists  on  such  extreme  peace,  that  even 
at  his  elections,  His  Majesty  objects  to  opposition  candidates.  ALEXANDER  sends  the  gentle  CONSTANTINE 


IV 


PREFACE. 


[JUNE  27,  1857. 


to  count  English  and  French  guns,  as  lie  would  not  own  one  more  for  the  world — no,  not  for  Con- 
stantinople. FRANCIS  JOSEPH,  too,  has  a  brother  MAXIMILIAN,  and  he  is  here  to  express  the  ecstacy  of 
Austria  at  the  prospect  of  our  Prussian  alliance  being  drawn  closer  by  HYMEN." 

"  Tu,  felix  Austria,  nube,"  said  the  COMET,   "  is  a  hint  which  he  delights  to  find  others  can  take." 

"  Nube — in  a  cloud,"  said  MR.  PUNCH,  smiling.  "  A  passable  jest  from  a  Highness  from  Cloiul- 
land,  but  scarcely  bright  enough  for  me — however — let  it  go.  Then,  your  Serene  Highness,  in  Belgium, 
LEOPOLD  the  Astute,  finding  the  priests  flying  something  too  frantically  at  the  throat  of  LIHERTY,  has  flogged 
them  off,  for  the  hour ;  but  she  will  never  walk  about  in  peace,  poor  thing,  until  they  are  chained  up  as  the 
Belgian  people  will  chain  them  in  the  next  Revolution.  Pius  THE  NINTH  is  making  progress — do  not 
start — only  through  his  dominions,  crowning  pictures  of  the  Virgin,  which  Wink  with  pleasure,  and 
actually  mutter  "LA  SALETTE."  The  innocent  ISABELLA  again  muses  on  the  sweet  joys  of  maternity, 
and  vows,  should  she  be  blessed  with  a  daughter,  to  make  her  an  example  of  all  the  Virtues,  to  which 
end  baby  is  to  be  sent  from  Spain  before  she  can  even  see." 

"  And  your  own  QUEEN  ?  " 

"  Is  troubled,  thank  Providence,  by  no  greater  care  than  the  direction  of  the  baptism  of  PRINCESS 
BEATRICE,  and  the  consideration  whether  at  the  HANDEL  Festival,  the  Conquering  Hero  should  come  twice." 

"  And  LORD  PALMERSTON.  I  have  had  an  eye  on  him  for  these  seventy-three  years/'  said  the 
COMET.  "  I  had  a  good  mind  to  appear  at  his  birth,  and  prognosticate  his  becoming  a  great  man." 

"You  are  a  humbug,"  said  MR.  PUNCH.     "Where  was  he  born?" 

The  COMET  stuttered — and  said  it  was  a  good  while  ago,  and  the  place  had  escaped  him. 

"  He  was  born  at  Broadlands,  you  astrological  humbug,"  said  MR.  PUNCH,  "  where  I  hope  he 
will  spend  many  a  jolly  year  yet,  especially  his  Reform  Bill  Year,  now  fixed  as  1858." 

"  LORD  PALMERSTON  a  Reformer,"  said  the  COMET,  looking  troubled.     "  II m.     Well.     Ah  ! " 

"  Don't  mutter  in  that  way,"  said  MR.  PUNCH.  "  If  you  know  anything,  out  with  it  like  a  man 
and  a  Comet,  if  not,  don't  be  mysterious.  LORD  PALMERSTON  has  promised  a  Reform  Bill  for  next  year, 
and  I  am  going  to  keep  him  up  to  his  work  in  my  THIRTY-THIRD  VOLUME — " 

"Is  the  THIRTY-SECOND  complete?"  said  the  COMET,  tremulously. 

"  Complete,"   said  MR.  PUNCH.      "  I  present  you  with  a  copy.     Here  ! " 

"  If  a  New  Volume .  of  PUNCH  is  to  be  launched,  I  Jm  sure  the  world  wants  no  Comet,"  cried  the 
individual  in  asbestos  trowsers.  "  I  shall  not  show." 

And  he  bolted  through  the  window  into  infinite  space,  taking  with  him,  for  the  edification  of  the  Solar 
System, 

VOL.   XXXII. 


CHRISTMAS    IN    THE    WORKHOUSE. 


..  PUNCH, — "Possibly,  for  what  I  am  about  to  observe,  many  of 

1  your  readers  will  set  me  down  as  a  person  of  exceeding  selfishness, 
with  both  my  eyes  always  turned  upon  Number  One.  For  that.  Sir,  I  do 
not  care  a  single  snowball.  You  will  print  my  letter,  I  shall  be  talked 
about,  mid  iliat  is  the  grand  thing.  A  dog  with  a  tin-kettle  tied  to  his 
tail  has,  in  my  opinion,  more  than  compensation  for  the  inconvenience; 
for  with  every  bane;  of  the.  kettle,  and  every  muscular  spasm  of  his 
tail,  he  lias  still  a  greater  number  of  people  to  stare  and  shout  at  him. 

"  Mr.  Punch,  I  am  perfectly  sick  of  the  maudlin  sympathy  and 
twaddle  that  call  people  men  and  brothers.  It  is  all  humbug,  Sir. 
There  were  two  brothers  at  the  beginning,  and  didn't  one  brother  find 
thr  ot  her  lirotlier  one  brother  too  many  ?  We  shall  never  get  on  as  we 
ought  to  do,  until  we  make  every  man,  woman,  and  child,  go  upon  their 
own  hook.  1  consider  the  invention  of  poor-rates  as  a  bit  of  howling  cant ; 
and  look  upon  the  collector  of  that  particular  tax  as  very  little  better 
than  an  unduly  licensed  ticket-oi'-leavc.  Let  me  explain,  Mr.  Punch. 

'  Thursday  showed  its  honest  Christmas-head  once  again  to  my  great 
satisfaction.  For  I  am  a  person  very  well-to-do ;  can  buy  my  own 
Christmas  Turkey ;  draw  my  own  port;  and,  in  a  word,  don't  "owe  — 
and  don't  intend  to  owe — any  man  the  value  of  a  Christmas  chesnut. 
\\  hy,  then,  for  the  sake  of  a  maudlin  sympathy  and  cant  as  hollow  as 
a  showman's  drum,  why  should  I  be  pillaged  of  my  money,  to  feed  and 
pamper  a  lot  of  paupers,  who  are  only  poor  and  destitute,'  because  they 
nave  been  idle,  profligate,  or  unfortunate,  which,  be  the  case  as  it  may, 
111  no  manner  ought  to  concern  me?  Men  and  brothers  may  be  very 
well  in  their  way,  but  a  man  who  begs  ceases  to  be  a  man;  audit 
brother  lying  in  a  door-way,  is,  at  the  best  only  a  shabby  step-brother ! 

!'  ^".w-  sir,  to  return  to  that  good  old  institution,  Christmas  Day.  I 
enjoyed  myself,  :.s  1  always  do,— and  I  may  confidently  say  it,  charmed 
and  delimited  a  large  circle,  as  I  always  do,  on  that  day.  Sweet  is  the 
consciousness  of  ready-money ;  and  a  man  who  can  lay  his  head  upon 
ins  banker  s  book,  has  the  best  right  of  all  men  to  pleasant  dreams.  I 
rejoiced  my  heartiest,  and  slept  my  soundest. 

"The  Friday  morning  brought  me  my  morning  paper.  What  was 
my  disgust  to  sec  a  sickly  sentimentality  paraded  in  capital  type  as 
follows—  CHRISTMAS  DAT  IN  THE  WORKHOUSE  ! '  I  read  that  in 
JNlaryiebonc  the  paupers  had  roast  beef  '  wil  liout  bone '  and  no  end  of 
Hum-pudding.  In  St.  Pancras,  besides  beef  and  pudding,  llanbury's 
beer,  tobacco  and  snuff.  In  Fulham  Union,  fruit  and  nuts  •  in— b'ut 


why  need  I  proceed  ?  The  columns  of  the  newspaper  steamed  like  an 
alderman's  kitchen ;  and  that  with  Christmas  oinners  to  Christmas 
paupers ! 

"  Now,  Sir,  I  have  had  my  larder  three  times  thoroughly  burglary- 
fled.  On  the  first  occasion  the  burglars  carried  off  the  very  respectable 
remains  of  a  cold  shoulder-of-mutton ;  on  the  second,  a  whole 
partridge  (forwarded  to  me  by  an  anonymous  admirer);  and  on  the 
third,  the  model  of  a  Swiss  mouse-trap.  Well,  to  what  am  I  to 
attribute  these  midnight  atrocities,  but  to  the  pampered  tastes  of 
paupers?  These  workhouse  people  are,  from  time  to  time,  let  out 
upon  society,  and,  with  a  full  remembrance  of  their  workhouse  beef  and 
beer,  with  their  appetites  vitiated  by  morbid  humanity  and  tobacco— 
they  will  not  starve  quietly  and  decently,  but— they  burglaryfy  my 
larder !  And  when  I  spoke  of  the  burglary  to  a  policeman,  casually 
naming  the  lost  mouse-trap,  he  said — 'That's  nothing  to  what  it  woidd 
be :  paupers  let  out  of  workhouses  couldn't  do  without  their  glass  of 
punch,  and  I'd  better  keep  a  sharp  look-out  for  my  sugar-basin  and 
lemon-squeezer.' 

"Now,  Sir,  I  have  one  remedy  for  all  this.  People  who  can't, 
as  I  say,  depend  upon  their  own  hook,  ought  not  to  be  allowed  to 
hang  upon  other  people's  pockets.  I  would  therefore  manfully 
put  down  a  morbid  humanity,  and  at  the  same  time  abolish  the 
poor's  rates.  To  which  end  I  would  have  clear  work  made  of  all  the 
unions.  I  would  have  all  the  paupers  seized  and  packed  aboard  ships 
(we  have  plenty  of  them)  previously  condemned.  The  vessels  should 
be  navigated  into  deep  water  (say  the  middle  of  the  Atlantic)  and  there 
and  then  with  a  firm  hand,  scuttled.'  (Of  course,  one  sea-worthy  vessel 
should  provide  for  the  safety  of  the  persons  sent  upon  duty.)  Scuttled 
is  the  word;  and  when,  in  fancy,  I  might  behold  ' some  strong  swim- 
mer'— pauper  I  mean -'in  his  agony,'  and  at  the  same  time  should 
think  how  he  had  pulled  at  my  pocket,  I  should  of  course  complacently 
wonder  how  he  liked  it. 

"  Such  a  scuttling;  woidd  be  a  fine,  wholesome,  corrective  sight  to 
anybody  who  should  have  the  luck  to  see  it,  and  at  the  same  time 
would  be  a  mortal  blow  to  maudlin  humanity.  Such  is  my  honest 
opinion :  and  as  for  the  howling  cant  of  your  men  and  brothers '  for 
that,  and  that  ten  times  over,  I  do  not  care  three  scrapes  of  a  tin  fiddle; 
and  so  I  remain, 

"No.  1,  Self  Street,  Dec.  27."     "  ANOTHER  LONDON  SCOUNHREL.' 


VOL.   XXXII. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JAKUABY   3,    1857. 


MARY 

ANN'S 

NOTIONS. 

men  who  arc  so  dreadfully  afraid  that  they  shall  not  be  rich  enough  to 
support  their  wh  es  and  children.  It  was  something  like  this,  '  Let  a 
young  gentleman  work  a  great  deal  harder  than  he  does.  It  will  not 
kill  him.  And  let  him  do  without  a  great  many  things  that  he  thinks 
are  necessaries  but  which  are  not.' 

"I  should  think  so.  Bless  me,  look  at  the  quantity  of  work  that 
«omen  do,  without  making  such  a  deal  of  complaint  about  it.  Why, 
I  hardly  know  a  married  woman  with  a  family  who  is  not  on  her  legs1'2 
from  morning  to  night,  and  when  she  sits  down  it  is  only  to  begin 
stitching  and  mending,  and  making,  and  darning.13  And  at  night  do 
you  find  her  sinking  into  a  chair  in  a  laekadaiseal  manner,  mewing  out 
that,  'the  stretch  upon  her  physical  powers  has  been  considerable,' 
and  sending  everybody  to  bed  that  the  room  may  be  quiet,  and  hinting 
i  hat  she  must  really  have  a  little  respite  and  fresh  air  f  Not  a  bit  of  it : 
and  if  her  husband  came  in  after  she  had  had  ever  such  a  day,  and  told 
her  to  put  on  her  bonnet  and  come  to  the  theatre,  how  long  would  she 
be  about  it  'i  "  The  fact  is,  my  dear  Mr.  Punch,  men  ruin  their  consti- 
tutions with  smoking  and  Greenwich,  and  kte  hours,  (not  that  being 

fit  for 
i  their 

means  that  •  :  i  of  idle  pigs. 

"The  other  hint  about  doing  without  a  good  many  things  that  you 
reallj"  do  not,  want,  wat  wrj  good  indeed.  Now,  there  arc  tailors' 
bills.  A  man  mu  :,-ent  leman,  or  he  would  not  be  fit  to  go 

""'  w"  '"H  a  married  man  eannol  dress  too  plainly,  and  if 

he  takes  eare  of  h^  things  he  ought  not  to  want  many  suits  in  a  year. 
lh™.  Sl  i^'lit  to  give  up  entirely,  it  is  an  acquired  habit,  and 

highly  pernicious.     As  for  wine,  there  might  be  great  saving  there. 


you  a  happy  new  year ! ' 
consider  that  you  ought  to 
have  printed  the  letter  I 
-.ent  to  yon  from  the  country 
about  the  man  who  starved 
his  child.  It  was  very  well 
written,  and  not  the  leasl 
bit  in  the  world  too  strong.2 
You  are  much  too  fastidious, 
and  I  can  tell  you  that  your 
lady-readers  would  like  you 
a  great  deal  better  if  you 
(I id  not  affect  to  be"  so 
.hvadfidly  moderate  and 
just.3  We  dp  not  caret 
about  moderation  and  jus- 
tice,4 and  we  like  heart.5 
There  is  a  scolding  for  you, 
because  you  have  suppres- 
sed my  nice  letter. 

"  I  have  heard  nothing 
but  talk  about  the  Income- 
Tax  for  more  than  a  week. 
I  quite  understand  the 
question,  and  I  wonder 

that  there  can  be  two  opinions  about  it.6  It  is  most'ridiculous  to  talk 
of  one  person's  being  taxed  more  than  another,  if  the  incomes  are 
lie.  A  hundred  sovereigns  are  (or  is,  which  is  it?')  a  hundred 
sovereigns,  and  while  you  receive  them,  that  is  your  income,  and  when 
you  do  not  receive  toon  you  cease  to  have  that  income.8  So  that 
people  ought  to  pay  and  not  make  a  fuss.  Besides,  what  meanness 
it  is  iu  men  to  dispute  about  such  sums.  What  is  sixteen  pence  to 
a  man  who  earns  hundreds  ?  Why  AUGUSTUS  gives  eight  pence  apiece 
for  cigars,  and  by  leaving  off  two  of  those  he  would  pay  sixteen  pence 
at  once,  not  that  the  Government  will  get  mnch  out  of  him,  an  idle 
creature !  And  then,  if  sixteen  pence  m  a  hundred  pounds 9  is  such 
a  tax,  why  don't  you  work  harder  and  earn  a  little  more,  and  pay  the 
tax  out  of  that  ?  I  have  no  patience  with  such  nonsense.  But  men 
must  have  something  to  grumble  and  growl  at.  Presently  you  will 
complain  that  the  QUEEN  wears  a  gold  crown,  and  will  vote  that  she 
ought  to  have  an  electrotype  one.10 

'  There  was  a  very  sensible  thing  said  in  the  paper  on  Saturday 
morning.  Papa,  in  liis  condescending  Parliamentary  way,  dear  old 
thing,  handed  Mamma  and  me  the  Times,  instead  of  keeping  it  all  break- 
fast, saying,  '  1  observe  that  a  considerable  portion  of  to-day's  impression 
is  devoted  to  an  analysis  of  the  Christinas  entertainments  provided  at 
the  metropolitan  places  of  public  amusement ;  and  as  this  may  have  an 
interest  for  yourselves,  my  loves,  wliich  I  am  free  to  confess  it  does  not 
possess  for  me,  I  beg  leave  to  lay  the  paper  on  the  table.'  But  I  have 
to  say  that  I  did  not  read  all  the  accounts  of  the  pantomimes,  because 
I  hate  to  know  what  I  am  going  to  see"  and  I  did  read  one  of  the 
political  articles,  and  I  was  struck  with  a  bit  of  advice  which  it  gave  to 


while  '  a  light  sherry,'  or  something  with  as  much  flavour  as  camomile 
tea,  is  good  enough  for  their  wives.    How  a  husband  can  drink  port 
wine  at  five  guineas  a  bin 18  or  whatever  it  is,  while  his  wife  very  likely 
EAR  ME.  PUNCH, — I    wish  i  wants  new  furniture  or  some  other  necessary,  is  to  me  marvellous ! 

_  I  1     T      T»      ,     •  i«         i  i  ^  i  i    •         ,      'i  1  ~  i  11 


But  if  a  husband  retrenches  liis  tailor  and  wine-merchant,  and  leaves 
off  tobacco,  he  may  put  away  money  enough  to  pay  the  Income-Tax 
without  electrotyping  the  QUEEN'S  crown,  or  making  his  wife  ashamed 
of  his  meanness. 

"  'Ought  to  enjoy  himself  ?'  Of  course,  he  ought.  What  does  he 
marry  for,  except  because  he  thinks  it  will  make  him  happier  ?  But 
let  him  enjoy  himself  rationally.  If  he  saved  his  money  in  the  way  I 
mention,  he  could  keep  a  little  Brougham  for  his  wife,  and  they  could 
have  drives  together,  if  my  lord  would  condescend  to  honour  her  with 
his  company.  Let  him  come  home,  too,  in  the  evening,  as  soon  as  his 
work  is  done,  and  read  a  novel  to  her,  or  take  her  to  the  Opera  (orders 
are  easily  got,  I  know,  if  he  is  too  mean  to  pay),  or  to  a  concert.  Or 
if  they  only  walk  up  and  down  and  look  at  the  shops,  it  is  better  than 
his  sitting  iu  the  smoking-room  of  a  club,  drinking  gin-slings  and 
hearing  stories' which  can  in  no  way  concern  him,  and  only  give  him  a 
bad  opinion  of  woman's  nature,  which  would  be  perfect  if  you  all  did 
not  spoil  it  by  flattering  hxpoerisy  before  marriage  and  rudeness  and 
neglect  afterwards.  If  a  husband  led  the  life  I  have  advised,  he  woidd 
not  come  home  complaining  that  the  'demands  on  liis  physical  powers 
were  excessive ; '  indeed  he  would  find  new  interest  in  his  business, 
because  there  would  be  no  other  excitement  to  occupy  his  mind,  and 
I  dare  say  he  would  soou  be  rich,  and  able  to  take  her 19  a  country 
house. 

"  I  hope  that  we  shall  hear  no  more  nonsense  about  the  Ineome- 
Tax,  but  that  men  will  make  up  their  minds  to  work  harder,  and  save 
more.  Of  course  a  person  who  has  to  work  for  his  living  ought  not  to 
pay  like  a  person  whose  living  is  in  the  Bank,  or  has  estates ; M  but 
this  is  an  easy  matter  of  arithmetic  that  might  be  settled  in  five 
minutes,  only  you  like  better  to  grumble. 

"  Yours,  affectionately, 
"  Monday."  "  MARY  ANN." 

I  The  same  to  you,  dear,  and  many  of  them. 

z  Once  more,  Miss,  no  dictation  to  Us.  Besides,  what  do  you  call  strong,  if  not  a 
suggestion  that  a  man  should  be  hanged  over  a  slow  fire  and  flogged  to  death,  and 
transported.  You  were  in  a  natural  rage  at  reading  of  an  act  of  cruelty,  and  wrote 
your  rage  down.  We  burned  it. 

3  Mere  snitefulness. 

4  True ;  out  to  be  regretted. 

5  So  do  we  ;  and,  by  the  way,  a  wine-glass  of  catsup,  or  of  port-wine  iu  the  gravy 
is  a  great  improvement.     The  force-meat  cannot  be  too  rich,  mind  that. 

6  We  know  somebody  with  two,  and  a  good  little  girl  she  is. 

7  None  of  your  flippancy — find  the  rule  and  apply  it. 

8  This  proposition  we  cordially  admit. 

9  Ah  !  if  it  were  only  that,  SIH  G.  C.  L.  might  plunder  us  till  he  became  a  states- 
man, or,  to  take  a  shorter  date,  till  the  end  of  time. 

10  Women's  hypotheses  are  always  useless  and  often  impertinent. 

II  A  neat  hint  to  Papa  to  call  on  MR.  SAMS. 

12  MARY  ANN,  how  vulgar.     Say  "who  finds  time  for  inactivity." 

13  Do  you  know  any  single  sisters  of  these  remarkable  women?    Because  we  have 
sons,  and  ask  the  question  for  a  reason. 

14  Not  long,  at  all  events,  in  accepting-  the  invitation, 

'6  Ah  l' 

17  You  said  that  you  knew  good  wine  from  bad,  or  we  promise  you  tliat  never  a 
line  of  yours  should  have  apj>eared  iu  these  columns. 


.A. 


That  pretty  bin,"  as  SHAKSPEARE  says,  indicates  imperfect  information,  M. 

19  Her  !  We  are  not  particular  with  you,  but  really  you  must  bring  your  relati' 
and  antecedents  closer. 

20  Look  at  Note  8,  and  your  text.    "We  expect  explanation  and  apology  in  your 
next  letter. 


LORD  PALMERSTON  A  "BRICK." 

THE  Herald  declares  that  the  PRIME  MINISTER  and  the  people  of 
England  are  squally  in  a  disgraced  position.  The  PREMIER  for  his 
utterance  of  wretched  excuses  in  the  matter  of  the  Conference,  and  the 
people  for  the  ignorant  greediness  with  which  they  swallow  them. 
Our  daily  teacher  then  puts  forth  the  following  profound  apologue  : — 

"  We  have  heard  of  a  shark  which  once  swallowed  a  heated  brick  wrapped  in  a 
greasy  blanket,  and  naturally  underwent  some  very  severe  'internal  revolutions. 
Let  the  public  beware  of  a  similar  result." 

But  has  not  the  public  any  antidote?  Granted  that  the  public 
swallows  the  heated  brick  PALMEKSTON  in  a  greasy  blanket ;  has  not 
the  public  its  daily  remedy  in  the  wet  blanket  issued  every  morning  in 
the  Herald:' 


A    Hint  to  the  Crystal  Palace  Directors. 

AMONGST  the  plaster  statues  commemorative  of  commerce  and 
geography,  set  up  along  the  great  terrace,  suppose  MR.  FERGUSON 
were  to  have  erected  an  Africa,  not  in  plaster  of  Paris,  but  hewn  out 
of  "  Living  Stone." 

AN  EXASPERATING  NECESSITY.— People  grumble  at   the  probable 

u    _C    XI- _  J:j'    _  •       i     T»         ^  »         -I'    -i    _  _.     _•!_  1       j 


As_ior  vine    there  might  be  great  saving  there,   cost  of  the  new  expedition  asainst  Persia.    As  if  it  were  possible  to 
Men  like    then  own  vine,  «  and  give  wicked  sums  of  money  for  it,  I  arrive  at  "'Erat  "  without  granting  a  present  "  Sum." 


JANUARY  3,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE  NEEDS  OF  Till-;  CI.KRGY. 

WE  have'  niucli  pleasure  in  quotiu?,  from  the  Morning  Herald  the 
follow  inu'  statement  to  the  credit  and  reuow  n  of  a  British  bishop:— 

"  Ei'iscorAT.  T.IBKKAUTY.— The  LORD  BISHOP  OK  GLOUCESTER  AND  BRISTOL  pro- 
vided lodging"  at  his  own  expense,  for  every  candidate  fur  the  recent  ordination, and 
directed  that  all  their  needs  nhould  be  promptly  and  liberally  supplied." 

No  doubt,  the  generous  bishop  afforded  the  \oiiug  parsons  ample 
means  for  drinking  his  good  health.  It  would  not  surprise  us  to  learn 

that    I  he  MippK  of  things  ne.-clful  included  a  sullieieucv  of  good  cigars. 

There  is,  however,  some  reason  to  fear  that    the  episeopal  dirre! foi 

the  snpph  of  all  thi'  needs  of  the  reverend  joiiths  roidd  not  be  iputc 
carried  out.  Perhaps  a  few  of  them  may  have  wanted  a  little  Hebrew. 
not  to  mention  Greek  and  Latin,  and  a  eertaiu  amount  of  theological 
literature,  and  ecclesiastical  hist  on,  which  any  attempt  to  supply  them 
v,  it  h  would  have  proved  abortive. 


The   Knightsbridge   Candles. 

M  ii.  LIDDELL,  at  St.  Paul's, 

Into  Puseyism  falls. 
And  establishes  a  New  Oxford  Tracts'  light, 

Which  his  altar  he  sets  on  ; 

Itui  Cm  KCIIWARDEN  WESTERTON 
Goes  and  puffs  out  his  little  Komaii  wax-light. 


Unseasonable   Benevolence. 

Mn.  MERRYMAN  has  been  entertaining  a  numerous,  if  not  very 
select,  circle. 

The  honourable  gentleman  has  distributed  a  large  number  of  ices 
among  the  population  in  his  vicinity.  He  lias  also  made  a  liberal 
distribution  of  straw -hats  and  ventilating  /.ephyr  paletots,  and  has,  in 
the  most  unreserved  manner,  thrown  open  his  grounds,  with  their 
extensive  tish-ponds,  to  partii  "f  bathing. 


AN   ANGEL  IK   DANGER,  OF   FALLING. 

Tun  KIM;  OF  PRUSSIA  is  particularly  requested  to  take  care  that  he 
docs  not  fall.  No  insinuation  is  intended  in  this  advice,  which  arises 
mercK  from  an  apprehension  that  the  Angel  of  Peace  may  sink  into 
the  Demon  of  War. 


A  HINT   IN   SEASON. 

Now  Italy's  tyrants  dance  o'er  the  volcano, 

\  ustria  by  BOMBA  be  warned,  while  he  can ; 
Lest  the  feeling  which  prompted  the  thrust  of  MlLANO, 
Perchance  should  give  point  to  the  stab  of  Milan. 


The  Height  of  Ingratitude. 

TIIK.  Americana  have  sent  us  a  noble  vessel,  and  it  is  proposed,  in 
return,  to  send  them  a  noble  Lord.  An  Ambassador  in  exchange  for  a 
Besol'ite.  Small  craft  for  great  craft !  Truly  the  days  of  GLAUCUS  and' 
DiOMi-.i)  bave  returned,  and  brass  is  given  for  cold,  Well,  we  calculate 
the  exchange  is  awful  agin  the  States.  Yes,  Siree,  some! 


SPORT  FOR  MR.  JAHQUHABSON. 

-"  I/our)  SIIAFTESBCRY  has  ordered  the  preservation  of  the  foxes  in  the  Horton 
country  for  MR.  FARQUHARSON." — Daily  Aeit-s. 

'I  he  foxes,  we  state  it  upon  the  best  vulpine  "authority,  are  corre- 
spondingly obliged  to  LORD  SHAJTBSBITRY. 


Detur  Digniori. 

A  l>i:n  TATIO.N  from  the  Incorporated  Law  Society  last  week  waited 
on  Si  K.  BK.NJ  ui  i  \  HALL  to  suggest  the  transfer  of  the  Law  Courts  to  a 
'•Her  site.—  Ought  not.  this  work  to  be  done  by  the  Strand  and  West- 
minster  Vestries,   as   coming  strictly  within  their  powers    for    the 

•  "('  nuisances? 

"  MIND  YOUR  I'S." 

Til  K  Usher  in  the  LORD  MAYOR'S  Court,  lately  described  the  great 
gold  robbery  case  (alluding,  we.  presume,  to  the  character  of  AGAR,  the 
principal  witness)  as  a  case  of  doubtful  "  TESTER-mony." 

NATIONAL  INSTINCT.— The  Salmon  in  Scotland  are  distinguished 
.iignlar  characteristic.  It  is  well  known  that  every  Scotch 
Salmon,  imbibing  the  spirit  of  caution  peculiar  to  the  countrv,  looks 
twice  always  before  it  leaps. 


A    MANAGER    WITHOUT    GUILE. 

WK  have  been  charmed  with  the  ingenuousness  of  a  Plymouth 
Manager  His  name  is  NKWCUMUI..  A  name  that  deserves'  to  be 
written  in  the  very  brightest  footlights;  for  il  N  not  vvr\  ofli 
tin-  BflZlOai  Caterere  for  public  amusement  exhibit  such  toucliinglruth- 
fulness,  such  allceting  sincerity  as  enhances  the  character  of  NEW- 
OOKBX.  His  phi; --bill  of  December  17.  1856  ".ill  not  the  document 
be  henceforth  precious  lo  all  antiquarians P )  infm-m;  the  Plymouth 

public,  that  .two  young  ladies  \\  ill  sex.  mi,  not  act,  hut  M 

— as  Hamlet,  Prince  of  Den i.itn-L   and  Opktli*.     Mn.  M  \\.\i, i:ir   Ni.v. 
COM II K,  however,  has  something  to  sav,  to  premise  lo  a  eonliding  public 
on  lh;  :i  ml  therefore  prints  tlie  subjoined  notice  in  his  bill : — 

"<W  M».  J.  R.  NKWCOMBE  begs  to  inform  hl§  Patrons  that  having  entered  into  au 
Engagement,  ho  feels  himself  bourn!  tu  curry  it  out ;  but  at  the  same  time  feels  him- 
self equally  bound  to  state  to  those  Patrons  who  may  bo  inclined  to  visit  the  Theatre 
during  such  Entragement,  that  they  will  be  deceived,  at  he  htu  been,  if  they  expect 
to  see  anything  beyond  the  acting  of  two  Ladies,  who  have  >t  ijrrtitdeal  to  learn  before 
they  are  competent  to  sustain,  with  any  credit,  the  characters  tluy  art  atumpliny. " 

O  Virtue,  cried  Moi.jtitK,  in  what,  nook  will  thou  not  hide  thyself? 
O  Honesty,  after  this,  in  what  barn  inayest  thou  not  be  discovered  ? 
NEWCOMHK'S  dress-boxes  are  Us.;  hi.s  upper  ditto,  2.?.;  his  Pit,  1*.;  his 
gallery  M. ;  and  to  the  predetermined  naiton  lo. -ill  these  plac. 
cries  — hold;  ponder  a  little-  think  of  it;  the  Hamlet  may  not  be  worth 
cighlccii-peiiee,  and  the  Ophelia  dear  indeed  at  llireepenee.  It  is  ruled 
by  the  worldly  wise  that  a  man  who  vends  lish  ought  to  utter  no 
syllable  that  should  east  a  doubt  upon  its  freshness.  But  here  have 
we  in  the  conscientious  NKWCOHBE  a  tradesman  who,  compelled  to  cry 
hit  fish,  nevertheless  cries  it  with  his  nose  between  his  lingers. 


The  Good  of  the  Garotte. 

Two  cabriolet  drivers  had  adjourned  from  their  stand  to  an  adjoining 
tavern,  for  the,  purpose  of  partaking  of  :i  slightly  stimulating  refresh- 
ment. "I  say,  ISii.i,"  exclaimed  cabriolet -driver,  No.  1.,  "this  is  bad 
work,  this  'ere  garrottin'." — "  Bad  work !  "  responded  cabriolet-driver, 
No.  2,  "unkimmon  good  work,  I  finds  it— all  the  timid  old  gents  as 
used  to  walk  'omc  of  a  hevenin',  stead  o"  that,  now  they  stands  a  chance 
o'  bein'  grotted,  takes  a  cab." 


NOT   IMPROBABLE. 


A  MONS  United  Collieries'  Company  is  announced  with  a  million 
capital,  to  produce  marvellous  dividends,  of  course.  Let  the  share- 
holders look  out  lest 


'  Parturit  Ifons :  nascetur  ridiculus  m«--." 


PUNCH,   Oil   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  3,  1857. 


0. 


THE    FESTIVE    SEASON. 

Amy  (to  Rose).  "  GOOD  GRACIOUS,  ROSE— I'M  AFRAID,  FROM  THE  WAY  THE  MAN  TALKS,  THAT  HE  is  INTOXICATED!" 
Cabby  (impressively).  " BEG  PABD'N,  Miss  !— N-X-XOT  (me)  LXTOSSI-TOSSI-CATED  (HIC).— ITSH  ONLY  SIILIGHT  TED-PED-PEDIMENT 
ix  SPEESH,  Miss!" 


A  CHRISTMAS-BOX  TOR  A  GOOD  CLOWN1. 

OF  all  the  cases  of  benevolence  ever  recorded  at  this  time  of  the 
vear,  who  can  recollect  one  so  truly  seasonable  as  the  following,  related 
by  the  Cheltenham,  Exammer? — 

'  SINGULAR  TESTIMONIAL  TO  A  CLOWN. — It  may  interest  some  of  our  readers  to 
learn  the  following : — Among  the  most  prominent  performers  at  HEXGLER'S  Circus, 
which  has  just  closed  at  Chester,  was  FKOWDE,  the  mimic.  We  ieel  much  pleased 
to  hear  that  lua  conduct  iu  private  life  has  attracted  as  much  honour  and  justice  as 
his  mimicry  in  the  ring,  for  having  been  noticed  as  a  constant  attendant  on  Church 
Services,  three  Clergymen  of  that  ancient  city  have  presented  him  with  a  very 
handsome  Bible." 


trust-money,  steals  shares,  and  disposes  9f  securities  confided  to  him, 
singing  psalms  all  the  while,  and  who  is  a  solemn,  dull,  and  dreary 
Clown,  and  a  sad  rogue. 


\\Y  oiiL'ht  ID  state  that  we  quote  the  foregoing  from  a  daily  paper, 
because  there  is  a  passage  in  it  which  we  have  accurately  copied,  nut 
which  may,  by  many  readers  be  regarded  as  obscure  ;  and  we  do  not 
know  whether  or  not  the  statement  that  Mr.  IMIOWDE'S  conduct  in 

Erivate  life  has,  equally  with  his  professional  performances,  attracted 
onour  and  justice,  occurs  in  the  original  text  of  our  Cheltenham 
contemporary.  The  paragraph  in  question  has  been  rather  incon- 
siderately headed  "Singular  Testimonial  to  a  Clown."  If  the  testi- 
monial is  singular,  at  least  it  ought  not  to  be.  No  doubt  there  are 
some  people,  in  whose  dictionary  fun  means  sin,  and  laughter  is  defined 
to  lie  the  expression  of  wickedness,  who  may  consider  that  a  Clown,  as 
such,  lias  no  more,  business  wit  li  a  bible  than  a  toad  has  with  a  side 
pocket.  This  is  the  opinion  of  the  natural  melancholy  fool,  who  hates 
the  artistic  and  lively  fool.  The  real  fool  who  grins  with  the  convexity 
of  the  mouth  upwards  to  please  himself,  detests  the  fool  who  grins  with 
the  convexity  of  the  mouth  downwards  to  please  other  people.  We 
should  like  to  know  the  names  of  the  three  Chester  clergymen,  who 
h:id  the  pluck,  and  the  philosophy,  to  present  a  Clown  with  a  bible.  A 
Ijilile  in  the  hands  of  a  moral  and  conscientious  Clown  is  nothing  odd; 
a  bililc  in  the  hands  of  a  Clown  who  keeps  those  hands  from  picking 
and  Mealing  anything  but  stage  turke\s  and  theatrical  legs  of  mutton. 
The  bible  is  only  out  of  place  in  the  hands  of  that  Clown  who  embezzles 


RECIPES  FOR  A  HAPPY  NEW  YEAR. 

You  must  do  the  following  tilings,  if  you  wish  to  pass  a  Happy  New- 
Year  :- 

To  count  five  hundred  before  you  venture  to  contradict  your  wife. 

To  be  careful,  when  you  are  asked  for  your  advice,  (especially  by  an 
Irishman)  how  you  give  it. 

To  praise  every  baby  that  is  brought  up  to  you  for  exhibition. 

To  take  twice  of  puddinir.  if  yon  are  told  the  mistress  of  the  house 
has  had  a  hand  in  the  making  of  it. 

To  decline  in  the  politest  manner  being  appointed  arbitrator  in  any 
matrimonial  quarrel. 

To  mind  your  own  business,  or  if  yon  have  no  business,  then  to  make 
it  your  business  to  leave  the  business  of  others  alone. 

To  lie  cautions  how  you  sit.  next  to  a  lady  of  an  uncertain  age  with 
green  spectacles  and  inky  fingers,  and  who  shaves  her  hair  to  get  up 
an  intellectual  forehead. 

To  pay  no  visits  to  such  persons  as  never  return  them  ;  ri~.,  to  your 
Lawyer,  your  Pawnbroker,  your  Physician,  your  Magistral c,  your  Com- 
missioner in  the  Court  of  Bankruptcy  or  Insolvency,  much  less  your 
Judge  in  any  Court,  Central  Criminal,  County,  Common  Law,  Cou- 
sistorial,  Chancery,  or  otherwise. 

To  cuter  into  a  solemn  vow  not  to  read  the  Debates. 


ELECTION  INTELLIGENCE.— The  GOVERNOR  of  THE  BANK  or  ENG- 
LAND has  had  his  discount  raised  to  a  great  height  by  the  appearance 
of  MR.  ANDREWS  in  the  field  as  a  candidate  for  Southampton. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON'  CHARIVARI.— JANUAHY  3.  IS.; 


: 


SWITZERLAND    WARMING   THE    SNAKE. 

(Another  Illustration  of  the  Old  Fable.) 


JANUAKT  3,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    ENCORE    SWINDLE. 

cannot     recognise    more   than   a  single    \ie\v   upo 
the    subject,    ol    an    Kurure..      lint    his  own    preternatural    wisdom   an 
rectitude— he  admits  the    fact,   with  due   humiliation     sometimes   pri 
vent    Ins  making  allow anccs  for  the  ignorance  and  injustice  of  others 
lie  will    therefore   condescend,  upon    the   present    occasion,  l  , 
how  the  matter  in  question  Stands,      lie  is   moved   thereto  in  a  variel 
pf  correspondence  which  has  been  addressed   to   him,  and    b-,' 
in  the    Musical  World,  in  which   some  ridiculous   provincial 

"I M'i.  *IM*    KI.KVKS,  the  vocalist,  arc  disposed  of 

unanswerable  thai  it  has  natural!)    excited  the  wrath  of  i'he   illo-ica 
For   n    is  in    imperfectly  educated  nature  to  begin  to  revile  when  i 

to  reason. 

Complaints  were  made,  and  what  in  the  provinces  passes  fo 
sarcasm  was  Id  :i>  against  the  singer  we  have  named,  for  his  excusin 
himself,  on  the  ground  of  indisposition,  from  1'ultillin-  a  certain  eii"a"< 
men).  Now  I/,-.  1'unch  has  occasionally  had  his  <;ood  humoured  iok 

-n  'his  subject,  and  begs  to  premise  that  nothing 

herein  contained  will  bar  Mr.  Punch  of  his  ri-ht    to  saj  just 

.  Mn.  lii:i:\i.s  or  anybody  else.  Nor,  a-aiii,  w'ill  Mr  Punch's 
condescending  to  joke  upon  the  subject,  in  am  manner  prevent  his 
recognition  ol  M  u.  UKKVKS  as  one  of  the  most  admirable  artists  in  tin 
word.  Nvnetuar,  as  Viiion.  might  have  saiil,  if  he  had  chosen. 

Ihe  answer  to  these  enn, plaints  is,  that  liritish  audiences  consist  o 
swindlers,  [t  is  shown  thai  Mi;.  l!i:r:vi:s.  in  common  with  many  othar 

artists,   is  compelled    by  a  dishonest   British  public  to  do  don 
work  which  he  contracts  to  do.     It  is  set  forth  by  extracts  from  tin 
newspapers,  ,1,1  ailing  a  long  provincial  tour  (during  which  MR  Ki 

jot  once  failed  to  appear  when  due)  that  the  audiences  have  a! 

ted  from  him  precisely  twice  the  quantity  of  music  which  th!'\ 
were  entitled  to  ask.  They  have  habitually  encored  everytlung  And 
when  an  exlnnsicd  singer  has  ventured  to  substitute  something  els, 
tor  tne  fatiguing  air  which  is  dishonestly  redemanded,  they  \\a\eeneored 

the  substitution.     The    consequence  of  this  sellish  injustice   Wius  that 
lacking  the  courage  of  ALBONI  and  M  Aim,,  who  will  seldom 
lake     an«»«0r»;get  knocked  up,  not  being  a  mere  singing  mi 
and  had  t  o  guv  his  I  hroat  and  lungs  a  few  days'  holiday.    This  brought 
out  provincial  censure  and  sarcasm,  completely  met,  as  'it  appears  to  Mr 
i  unch  and  every  honest  person,  by  the  Musical  World. 

In  what  right,  we  beg  to  ask,  does  an  auditor  cheat  and  rob  an 
art  ist.  I,)  encoring  i  \  phi> bill  promises  that  if  you  will  pay  a  specific 
n  shallhave  a  specific  song.  You  pay  the  money  (or  go  in  with 
an  order),  and  you  demand  twice  the  music  you  have  bargained  for 
Doyotn  serve  anybody  else  so,  except  an  artist  ?  If  vou  buy  a  pair  of 
trousers,  and  they  please  you,  do  you  encore  your  trousers,  that  is 
require  the  tailor  to  give  you  another  pair?  Do  you  encore  a  dozen  of 
oysters,  asking  the  second  lot  for  nothing  because  the  first  were  sweet 
and  succulent !.  Do  you  encore  a  portrait,  and  because  a  painter  has 
succeeded  admirably  in  takmg  your  likeness,  do  you  clap  and  stamp 
about  his  studio  until  he  paints  you  another  copy  for  nothing? 

<  say  JOHN  Bui.,,,  a,,d  MRS.  jiuu,,  with  their  usual 
vu  ganly  these  are  real  things,  with  a  value,  while  a  song's  nothin"- 
but  air  (hay,  very  likely  MRS.  BULL  calls  it)  coming  out  of  a  , 

"Hi  ;  and  it  has  no  value,  and  he  ought  to  be  very  proud  that  we  are 
pleased  w  ilh  him. 

(ict  out  of  the  theatre,  you  old  idiots!  Get  out,  you  dishonest  old 
ignorant  wretches,  and  go  to  MR.  SPURGEON,  or  a  police  magistrate  or 
somebody,  ;lll(1  ,,,„.„  your  duty  to  ^  ^hbonr  ,  ^  ™,£ 

And  yet  uhy  should  Mr.  Punch  be  wrath  with  you  ?     Your  fathers 

'  H,  the  same  way  about  books,  and  wondered  at  an  author's 

impmhmv   in    calling    men-  words    In    the  sacred  name  of  property 

Ithenotionis  not    quite  extinct,  yet.     There,  we  retract    we  fed 

3iltl,i"1   Y  '  T  '  °U  "'''  •  T"lirrs'  "",<  all-''r-    Y(1"  ^ay?  But 
m  ml  tins.    You   have  no  ri-ht   to  steal  mnsiV.     If  vour  housemaid 

IUT  snub-nosed  Patty  s  doz's-eared  copy  of  the  Troubadour  from 
^^^\^^y^°^^0^^^S»iSf  &S 

>  t  hut    o  ncart,  and  when  next  M,n  arc  delighte.l  with   an  effort  th5 
I  artist  years  ol  expensive  and  laborious  stmlv  to    brin-  t 

of ,' " ;;;; ";" : li:it,  nirhai!ts  ^  ^  ^  M  &*»*  ™&S** 

Ull.    10    llt'inhcr    SnilK-nnoaH    T>ir»nv    "*>fl    }ipr    Af       '  ' 


SOCIAL   INTELLIGENCE. 


Tax  mo,  l'"  ""r"'  1"l"rm"''"»  :l"  totlw  elicc.  of  the  In,-omc- 

.ract      ,  1M"|      r"1!'llll,',)"'  «  1^"lv(''1  '"  •  -it  Wai 

..uable    whether  any  lall.ng  off  had  been  DOtioeabk  I  In,  ( 'hristmas 

'•'    ''   |);"1"'S  'U",rli  '    Ihat    tes,  ,     For 

nn      ,",'1'^  Wl'  •"•',' ''''" '''  MV1'r;i1  "''  "llr  "1<IM   SODlg-OTll    n 
upphcil     hem   w,th   mstrucnons   to  .pan 

*  -"-Mintil   they   had  provide,!   i,,,' lull  sta. 

•\  E  Iliecudcueeuithwliich  we  have  been   fu, 

"""the  gentleman  to  whom  we  had  entruMed  the  dining-out 

P.  l     n,m,     ha,     ol    ,  u  ,.„,,  dmner.parl  i, 

''';!''  "ve  been  serrecl  up  for  the  first  course  both  soup  and  tish, 

second          ''''   "**  "' ,  l',"1>:,:i"tl    al    '^O  only  fish;  at  nineteen   the 

ml      bi      /l''  I'T  ••ntrtMaOt)  of  either  a  roast  turkcv 

led  .beet  or  ebe  a  boiled  turkej  ami  a  bit  of  roast  bee'f 

while  W  It    Tl"'8!1""'"'  "'""'I!''';  Mll'l'l.'"ited  by  a  saddle  of  mutton, 
•    <  i  the  third  course,  at  all  the  twenty  tables,  there  were  either  a 

,    iiheasans  or  a  hare,  a  Ifrobdignag  plum-pudding  w, I  h   , 
let,    r'."-1"0"1    «  l"'rk   "'    '"N,ce-,,ies,  and    bushel,  of  jellies  and 

,  I  J       rlu?';!  ''s  :'s,    •-»•'•'•' -"'"ff-r  Th°  ctleese  was  Snlion'a.  skteen 
be  other  four  Cheddar:  with  the  addition  of  ccler>  in 
c  even  ca,cs  and  in  I  Inn  ecu  of  maccaroni :  while  at  every  house  where. 
there  ere  children,  there  were  at  least  a  dozen  dishes  for  desed 

19  whole  our  reporter's  conviction  is,  decidedly,  that  the  dinners 

pen  tlns(  hristmasmay  be  fairly  quoted  at  about  the  usual  average • 

regards  their  frequency,  and  the  quantity  as  well  as  quality  of 

«  '»<'„  s  provided.    .And  he  considers,  therefore,  that  among  the 

Uddfe  classes,  the   pnyatwns   through  war-prices  are  as  yet  not  so 

•BOB  grumblmg  pohticians  seem  desirous  to  make  out. 


flCRCWC 


France,  it  is 


bus    and      n,  e          ss 


ALL     ENCORES     MUST     BE     PAID     FOR 


TOO  GENEROUS  BY  HALF. 

IF  money  is  at  the  present  moment  a  little  "tight " 
Demise  Louis  NAPOLEON  has  held  his  purse-strings  a 
rle  is  a  second  Antony,  and  although  his  minister,  M.  A.,.. 
as  attempted  to  describe  him  in  prose,  we  can  assure  Frnncp  tdV 
SHAMHUM  only-the  divine  WiLLiiMS  of  M^P^s™r,-who 
alone,  through  the  hps  of  Cleopatra,  limn  the  imperial  munificence 


it  u 
can 


"  For  his  bounty, 
There  was  no  winter  in  't  :  an  autumn  'twas, 
That  grew  the  more  by  reaping." 


'  and 


"In  his  livery 
Walk  d  crowns  and  coronets.  " 


WUXIAM  of  Prussia  just  ioined' 


"  Realms  and  islands  were 
As  plates  dropp'd  from  his  pocket." 


deaJ 


Christmas  Contrition. 


"I5°'oo°  Ws  •* 
deaf 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  3,  lSf57. 


Sensitive  Young  Lady.  "  POOR  CREATURES  ! 
WHAT  A  DREADFUL  EXISTENCE  1" 


NOTHING  EOT  EATING  AND  SLEEPING. 


Oft*    Fern*.     "DREADFUL    EXISTENCE  !-OH,    AH  !     I    DARE     SAY;>     WHY,     THAT'S 
JUST   THE   VERY  THING  OF   ALL   OTHERS   I   SHOULD   LIKE  THE    BEST  ! 


SONG  OF  THE  REJECTED. 

Dedicated  to  the  Civil  Service  Commissioners. 

A  NOBLE  friend,  not  long  ago, 

Gave  me  a  situation  ; 
But  said,  alas  !   I  first  must  pass 

A  slight  Examination. 

They  asked  me  questions,  I  am  gore, 

Would  puzzle  anybody, 
I  never  knew  how  far  Pegu 

Was  from  the  Irawaddy  ! 

I  am  an  English  gentleman, 

My  age  is  twenty-two, 
And  1  cannot  t ell  what  goods  will  sell 

The  best  at  Timbuctoo. 

I  can  read,  and  I  can  spell.. 

Or  write  out  from  dictation ; 
But  at  Paraguay  I  cannot  sa\ 

What  is  the  population. 

Of  course  'twas  very  ignorant. 
And  must  my  fame  disparage, 

I  could  not  state  what  was  the  date    . 
Of  great  KING  ALFRED'S  marria.'re  ! 

I  don't  know  when  we  first  were  taxed, 

Or  who  was  the  Assessor: 
I  ivallv  can't  describe  the  Aunt 
Of  i';I)\VARD  THE  COHKBSSOB  '. 

They  asked  what  king  first  had  a  corn, 

I  never  could  imagine  it. ; 
How  should  I  know  about  the  toe 

Of  Tudor  or  Plaiitagcnct  ': 

Such  things  as  these  no  doubt  are  known 

To  many  of  my  betters, 
But  I  cannot  see  their  use  to  me 

In  merely  copying  letters. 


TRUTH  TO  THE  LETTER— A  Woman  who  writes  a  1,-tter 
is  a  Pool,  but  a  Man  who  keeps,  or  publishes  one,  is  a 
Traitor  I— Sir  Charles  Napier. 


THE  QUEEN'S  SPEECH. 

IT  is  well  known— or  why  has  the  country  so  many  newspapers  ?— 
that  immediately  on  the  prorogation  of  Parliament,  LORD  PALM i: its ,T,,N 
quietly  set  himself  to  work  to  provide  for  the  opening  The  PREMIER 
1 L  already  determined  upon  so  many  reforms  hat  it  may  reasonably 
,c  predicted  the  next  session  will  be  placid  as  the  Serpentine.  Hal- 
cyons are  expected  to  breed  upon  the  Thames  in  spite  ot  any  motion 
made  by  ME  DISRASLI.  But  amongst  all  the  national  beneiits  anti- 
rital  during  the  recess  by  a  provident  PREMIER  the  statesmanlike 
Sm  in  the  matter  of  the  Income-Tax  will,  probably,  be  the  measure 
that  shall  command  the  most  universal  admiration.  We  cannot  say 

hat  the  whole  of  the  QDEEN'S  Speech  is  determined  upon,  but. we 
have  the  best  authority  for  stating  that  the  document  will  contain  a 
golden  paragraph,  of  which  we  subjoin  a  faithiul  copy. 

"  The  Conferences  at  Paris  have  been  brought  to  the  happiest  conclusion.  All 
tl-e  purposes  of  a  just  and  necessary  war  have  been  fully  accomplished.  And 
.cknowkdgmg  theS,  tbe  readiness,  with  which  my  faithful  people  responded  to 
toe  caH  made  upon  their  pockets  to  carry  out  the  issue  of  the  contest  ,t  a ords  mo 

: 

discont.nuance  of  so  grievous,  but  made  by  circumstances,  so  necessary  an  impost. 
tattJblSt^SoMlniSSwt  that  can  be  resolved  upon  in  commemoration  of  the 
struggle." 

By  this   master-stroke   of  policy.  LORD  PALMERSTOK    the 
certainly  fixe*  himself  in  the  hearts  ot  the  people,  inasmuch  as  he  shows 
hhiself'so  anxious  as  a  Minister  to  keep  himself  out  of  their  pockets. 


THINGS  WHICH  NO  OLD  BACHELOR  WILL  EVER  DO  IF 

HE  CAN  HELP  IT. 

To  begin  with—  Get  outside  an  9mnibus  to  accommodate  a  lady. 
Go  to  a  theatre  on  a  Juvenile  Night.  ,.     . 

Assist  in  dressing  up  a  Christmas  Tree,  or  be  present  at  1 


Ert  hid  sister  when  she  goes  to  buy  a  baby-jmnpe, 
Throw  -iwav  his  ci"ar  when  he  comes  in  contact  with  a  UO.)  . 
TakeVwali  dow^legent  Street  at  the  time  when  the  perambulators 


Dentistry  without  Danger. 

WE  rejoice  to  sec  that  a  College  of  Dentists  is  in  course  of  formation, 
with  a  view  to  the  distinction  of  the  respectable  members  of  the  pro- 
fession from  the  quarks.  If  this  can  be  effected,  the  toothless  m 
of  teeth  will  no  longer  be  in  danger  of  running  into  the  fangs  ol 
extortionate  advertisers,  by  whom  those  unfortunates  are  at  present 
so  commonly  bitten. 


aluuotf,, stand  godfather,  for  fear  of  its  being  cited 

iUY!1vcTup1a1diniier  party  for  the  sake  of  escorting  his  friend's  wife 
shopping,  for  fear  of  being  asked  to  carry 
','  and  submit  to  be  made  a  blind  man's 
bUOhiiS  his  married  sister  at  a  Railway  Station  by  "just  holding 
hisTugers  at  snap-dragons,  because  "it  will  please  the 

11  the  slightest  chance  of  ever  being  caught  beneath  the  mist  let  oc 
And  to  end  with— Dine  twice  with  a  family  wheie  he  finds  0 
handed  round  with  the  dessert. 

Casus  Belli. 

THE  Indian  Government  was  perfectly  right  in  declaring  war  against 
Persia  for  seizing  on  Herat,  because  the  Persians  had  no  b 
thereat. 

HOMOEOPATHIC    CHRISTMAS   REVELRY.-At    all   the    metropolitan 
workhouses,  the  Christmas  fare  appears  to  have  been  weighed  out  1 
the  paupers.    The  entertainment  must  have  been  scaly. 


JL     V  i  1   \_/l 


wiiAru  VAn.1. 


LILLIPUTIAN    LEGISLATION. 

T  llii'  merlin'.;    (o    promote, 

rertisement. 

"  I. r-  liilntion  (if 

Sin  etr  Sa  •  M  last 

week  in  tlir  spacious  \  V 

try  Hall  of  Si.  I'; 
the  liilminations  \ui 
inciiiloii.s,  c\ni  \\licn  com- 

pmi-ll       \lilll     the     ci|-||i, ,-ie;,l 

iery    with    which    the 
UMmhied    vesm    usually 

bailer  I  he  walls  of  that  re- 
sonant    edilice.        .lu\enile 

smiling  - 

denounced,    as    the 
of  a  torrent  of  drunkr 
crime,    anil    Saliliath 
cration,  which  will  i 
overwhelm  the  couutn,  un- 
less   it     he     dammed    and 
stemmed      by     legislati 
prohibition.       Tin'    dcsijri 
nf   Russia  :    1'arli:.' 

Tax,   Law  and  E 
•'cal     Reform  ;  Bo 
\a])Ies  ;  .N'cufehale 
the   Melni])nlitaii   Hoard  i 
Works;  every  public  ipie 
and  national  interest,  sinks  and  fall 

!"  ""'  •  "1    the    nriti.sli-aiili-lohacco    Si viety.fur-proinotuig 

>ion  -of  -juvenile  -si  reel  -smoking,  before   the  over 

tig  importance  of  preventing  the  peripatetic  issue  of  tobacec 

"."I'.'H'1  •'•  caps  and  out  of  round  jackets.     Poison,  bankruptcy 

delirium  (ol  all  aorta  besides  tremens),  suicide,  and  every  other  varief 

>t   destruction   and  death  being  staked  on  this  question',  no  other  sub 

jcct  ought,  in  the  estimation  of  the  orators,  to  take  precedence  of  th 

juveml  'king question al  the  approaching  eofPar 

I  lie   Russian,  Italian,  and   United   States  questions-   even 

sl"'l  0  iiist  wail. 

And  the  solution  of  such  (rides  will  have  to  wait,  for  a  considerable 

•i  little-boy-.sircct-smokini,'  i|ii.-sii<m  be  of  primary 

Importance,     must     not     an    cllicicnt     baby-perambulator-prevention 

'"<  the  liedestrianeomn. unity  of   the  Metropolis   be 

pressed  upon  the  consideration  of  Parliament,?    Are  there  not  a  hun 

a  Other  evils  that  cry  out  in  onr  st reds  for  removal— a  hundred 

inim|,et.-toiigucd  nuisances  proclaiming  a  deadly  necessity  for  abatc- 

d  the  St.  I'aueras  Society  for  the  putting  out  the  pipes  of  the 

ncceed  m  their  object,  an  industrious  Parliament 

^Mfore  the    ess    important    subjects  already  ..numerated  are  dis- 

statute  book  with  several  measures  equally  bene- 

1  welfai-e  imoral  and  spiritual)  of  the  British  public 

of  aU. ages      lh,s  sort  ,,!   .\|:llm.  |;uv  „„,,.  ,,lrm,,|  full  ou  {     J , 

••'•>".  they   ..a*   hope  to  limi  then  own  and  other  sympathetic 
;:»'»  '    v.,th  such  additions  to  our  legislative  code  as  the 

Sin  3rt  f.,r  the  suppression  of  street  hoops.— Any  juvenile  of 
'" '"'.'•  «  >'•"  *ny  public 1 horo^nfere,  to  be S  on 

•  ,"t  < went,  shilling  or  one  month's  impri  on 
,   ,-V     :  W  towns  having  been  much 

<led  by  (he  immoderate  breadti,  of  ladies'  pettiooils.  anv  ladv 
|mlf?.he(  way  n   reason,,    the  illegal  circumference  of  her  Vohes 
.  "»   proof  of  the  fact    before  am  one  <>f  HEB 
"!•"»•  IVace,  he  Hi,,,!  i,,  a  sum  not^xceed hj  , he 

uroof   !'      f'T  |l:"';S  "    *'"V'1S  ''"'M    ' 'inM'-'"  kid)  ; 
jeobitrnotinghooporhoopi,  in  open  Court 

tor  ;iny  nttlc  boy- 


such    public   conveyance    wet   umbrellas,  puppies,    portmanteaus,  or 

milliner  s  wagons,  under  penalty  of  forfeiting  ;!„•  same. 

Ml.  ^li    art    (applicable    only    .  ,,,    Of    ||,l;     MAJKST,.S 

'.''I',"1'  '   Scotland,)  to  .  f  ,)„.  ,,dj,,.tiv,. 

1  ]"""[:  warrant,  iinilt;,,,..!.,,,,    obligation,    news] 
lunik,  or  an)  other  public  document,  petit  In  ason. 

\  1 1 1.  ^ II  act  to  render  it,  a  mifdemi  .:ish:thlc   by  imprisou- 

ment  snth  hard  labour  to  itmi  the  streets  with  01 

IX.  Silt  art  for  the  iransporlalion  beyond  bUl. 

deliverers,  and  rendon  of  spurious  newspapers.    l.;,stK, 

X.  3 II  Stt  for  the  Annihilation  ,,f  I'arochial  Spouting  Societies. 


-  •('•at1'"9"  9tt  l°r  thc    "ksklative    prohibition"   of  the  game  of 

stalls'  Im'teh1' "'  MmHon,  from  crowded  thoroughfares,  of  apple- 

SElfid  nunbnla,  ,,rs.  chimnej  -sweeps,  and  contraband 

SIKH -in,,,  ks  ( tint  a  to  say,  shoe-blacks  out  of  uniform). 

i,,  „;,.  eringthe  ],olice,  to  take  up  -^gamins  caught 

A^-L^^^^^?,^^^^ 

lo   pav  doublu   (are   to 
,  and  debarred  tl 

if  a-:-aiilt  and 


OUK  FILTH  AM)  OUE  FELONS. 

.iio  Paamstm  once.  «ith  that  oir.han.i  iviieitv, 

\\  Inch  belonga  to  his  lordship  in  statins  u  <"i>e" 
lo  a  new  detimtioii  of  "dirt  "  gave  pu! 
As  'nothing  but  matter  left  in  the  wrong  place." 

The  notion  took  root ;  for  the  festering  matter 
our  houses,  in  village  and  town, 

\\ould  be  lood.  we  all  know,  could  we  find  means  to  M 
Ils  streams  o'er  the  garden,  the  Held  and  the  down. 

Nor  alone  to  material  filth  of  our  cities 

His  lordship's  idea  exactly  applies, 
Wehaw ral  tilth  too  ;  in  pur  Commons'  Committees, 

Our  papers,  our  prisons,  laid  bare  to  our  eyes. 

•^  our  sewers  with  town-rcfuse,  our  gaols  are  o'erfloM'ing 

>\  ith  refuse  humanity's  festering  sEme, 
Ami  as  thats  oulv  used  plague  and  fever  for  sowing. 

So  tins  bears  fruit  only,  of  outrage  and  crime. 

But  as  sanitary  doctors  are  ceaseless  in  urging 

«aste  of  good  stuff  to  send  sewage  to  sea, 
SO  the  worst  way  humanity's  cesspools  of  purging 
Is  to  ship  off  the  tilth,  as  the  way  used  to  be. 

B  fields  crave  the  one,  we  have  tracts  crave  the  others 
Where  e  en  tclon-labour  with  use  might  be  tried- 
lever-seeds  may  turn  food;  why  not  felons  prove  brothel 
When  ouce  (ado*  PAM)  in  the  right  place  applied  P 


VEKY  LOW  CHUKCH  INDEED. 


"  little  mo 

8u"eri'""'d'«* 


ONLY  think,  my  dear  ARCHDEACON  HAMS,  of  the  Mowing  state- 
ment made  by  the  Berlin  correspondent  of  the  Times-.— 

a-yoar  in  money,  whilo  tho 
^^y  bring  uT'more  than 

Prussia 

,        ,  ow       urc    carried  so 

ir  ;  to  imagine  a  Church  of  so  awfully  low  a  figure  ?  Fancy  au 
A-RCHBisHop  OF  CANTERBURY  receiving  less  than  a  thousand  a-vear  ! 
he  Church  m  that  case  would  be  so  low  that  a  gentleman  could  not 
loop  to  bve  m  it-could  he  P  No  wonder,  then,  that  the  above- 
uoted  wntcr  should  go  on  to  remark  that— 


He  is  writmg,  my  dear  and  reverend  Sir.  of  the  Church  of  ] 
t  is  not  easy,  is  it,  to  conceive  the  idea  of  a  Low  Chureii  oai 

ir :    to    iin;i'riiH'    n  {™!lmrnli    i\f   an    oiirfi.ll.-    1,,,.      >    ^— -_i      i- 


»m»"  IPf^nia'T  remuneration,  and  In  the  absence  of  any  'factitious 
hn  y  £r     ^h  P0'1"1*11  rant  lor  the  Bishops,  it  is  almost  surirfluou.  to 
ion  that  the  Prussmn  nobility  never  outer  tho  Church  ;  there  is  n<    chance  io? 

'  'eS  <  Capacity  to  «"  on  ^  the  «ele- 


It  is  all  very  well  to  talk  of  the  learning,  piety,  and  zeal  which  a 
rstem  of  Church  economy,  quotable  at  figui-es  so  disgust  iiHv  low  as 
etoregoing   may  encourage;  but  how  can  the  diviiutv  of  derev- 
en,  who  cost  so  Kttle  as  the  Prussian,  be  good  for  anything  ?    How 
it  poss,ble  for  them  to  drink  the  necessary  port?    The  Prussian 
clergy  must  be  limited  to  beer,  like  Parsons  Adaau  and  Trulliber  and 
farther  sum  antv  to  the  last-named  divine,  perhaps  have  to  eke  out 
r  incomes,  by  deahng  in  pigs.     Speaking  as  a  moderate  pluralist 
w  many  livings  ought  a  man  to  enjoy,  that  is,  to  hold  with  auv  enjoy- 
ment ot  existence,  passing  no  richer  than  forty-five  pounds  a  living  ?  ' 

An  Old  Saw  and  a  Modern  Instance. 

Ox  the  day  succeeding  Christmas  Day  there  occurred  a  siu-ular 
illustration   ,,1    the  popular  saying  relative  to  the  "thin  end  of  the 
Several  little  lioysrecciM, I  a  wedge  of  cold   plum-pudding; 
and  when  they  had  j;ot  the  thin  end  of  the  wedge  in,  it  was  astoni 
to  see  how  soon  the  rest  followed  it. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JAXUABY  .!, 


UNDER    THE    MISTLETOE. 

AUGUSTUS  THINKS  CRINOLINE  A  DETESTABLE  INVENTION. 


"AND  IS  OLD  DOUBLE  DEAD?" 

THE  "Middlesex  Reform  Rcgistrat ion  Society  "  is  dead. 
Starved  outright !  Not  a  sixpence  found  in  the  pocket  of 
he  deceased  ;  and,  on  post-mortem  examination,  not  a  crumb 
if  I'ood  in  the  stomach.  Can  anything  more  disgustingly 
nark  the  swollen  ingratitude  of  a  greasy,  prosperous  con- 
stituency? There  are  14,000  cleelors  in  Middlesex,  ail 
if  I  hem  so  well-to-do  (and  it  would  seem  so  willing  to  bo 
lonei  that,  in  their  prosperous  thanklessness,  they  would 
not  give  a  sixpence  to  lengthen  the  days _of poor  old  Regis- 
,ration.  This  it  is  to  attempt  to  he  pat  riot  ic  i  o  people  who 
lave  three  lingers  of  fat  on  the  ribs— whose  nostrils  are 
ever  dilated  with  the  savoury  smell  of  the  lleshpots!  MK._ 
GEESIN  (a  Middlesex  HJMPDES)  did  not  express  himself 
190  strongly  when  he  said  he  "was  thoroughly  and  heartily 
sickened  at  the  liberal  interest,  whieh  he  considered  the 
most  illiberal."  And  we  are  told  that  even  DocTOE  EPPS 
followed  ina  similar  withering  strain.  Even  Mu.  COPPOCK 
shecl  a  bilter,  burning  tear  on  the  occasion;  solemnly 
test  it'\  ing  to  the  impossibility  of  returning  members  free  of 
expense,  especially  members  for  Middlesex.  The  last 
election  cost  £4000,  and  it  was  impossible,  to  fight  it  for 
less. 

And  so  departed  poor,  neglected  Registration.  We  owe 
it,  however,  to  LOUD  DERBY  to  state  that  his  lordship 
sent  to  Jermyn  Direct,  where  the  body  lay,  and  in  the 
handsomest  manner  ottered  to  pay  the  expenses  of  the 
funeral.  .\1  u.  DISRAELI  also  expressed  himself  ready  to 
deliver  an  oration,  all  from  his  own  heart,  and  head,  over  the 
body,  without  borrowing  a  syllable  from  THIEKS. 


Hot  Coals  at  Newcastle. 

THAT  tremendous  body,  the  Urquhartites  of  Xewcastlc- 
upon-Tyne,  have  pledged  themselves  "  in  case  our  exp_e- 
dition  against  Persia  is  persevered  in,  to  bring  to  trial  for 
their  lives,  before  the  Central  Criminal  Court,  certain  ot 
the  ollicers  and  soldiers  engaged  therein!  " 

This  suggests  a  free  rendering  for  a  passage  from 
HORACE  slightly  altered : — 

"  Autecedentem  scelestum 
Insequitur  pcde  po^na  chuido. " 

"  Justice  stalks  behind  Stalker  ! " 


THE  SURGEON  TO  HIS  HENCHMAN. 

WHAT  ho !  my  staunch  Assistant,  there  is  work  to  do  anon, 
So  gird  thee  with  thine  apron  true,  and  put  thy  stout  sleeves  on. 
Prepare  to  pound ;  drugs  must  be  ground ;  the  brazen  mortar  ring, 
And  the  pestle  roll  in  the  marble  bowl,  and  the  scales  will  have  to 
swing. 

It  is  the  merry  Christmas-tide,  when  worthy  people  eat 

Five  times  as  much  as  is  good  for  them,  drink  ten  times  more  than 

The  fields  lie  bare  in  the  winter  air,  or  yield  beneath  the  plough. 
Though  fallow  be  they,  we  make  our  hay ;  't''«  t h,>  doctor's  harves 


LU    UUUUalll    HAD    ylUM-5^1. 

'tis  the  doctor's  harvest  now. 


The  boys  are  home  for  the  holidays,  and  they  feed  unchecked  by  rule 
Of  dietetic  discipline,  and  economy  at,  school ; 
Roast  beef  they  cram,  and  turkey  and  ham,  or  sausages  tuck  in, 
And  pudding  of  plum,  till  they  become  filled  nearly  to  the  chin. 

But  oh  !  the  vast  capacity  which  the  juveniles  evince ! 

Ivich  urchin  still  some  room  can  find  within  for  the  pie  of  mince.    _ 

Or  tart  of  jam  and  blanc-mange  they  cram  and  their  skuis  with  jelly 

.       /«." 

And  custard  and  cream,  and  yet  they  deem  that  they  have  not  had 
enough. 

Dessert  succeeds ;  new  appetite  its  delicacies  wake, 
\nd  they  gobble  up  apples,  oranges,  nuts,  almonds,  raisins,  cake; 
Besides  a  deal  of  candied  peel,  and  dates,  French  plums,  aud  hgs  ; 
Whence  business  to  us  shall  accrue,  so  please  the  little  pigs. 

The  revel  is  not  ended  yet— f9r  pastime  they  stand  up, 

And  that  restores  their  appetite,  and  heartily  they  sup. 

They  gorge  a  mash  of  rich  sweet  trash— at  midnight  scck^hcir  beds. 

The  sun  will  smile,  next  morn,  on  bile,  and  no  end  of  acliing  heads. 

There  will  be  pills  for  thee  to  grind,  and  draughts  for  thee  to  pour, 
And  powders  thou  wilt  have  to  weigh ;  provided  be,  therefore. 


And  mingle  and  make,  all  ready  to  take,  each  remedy  and  cure, 
For  feeling  queer,  of  Christmas  cheer  to  come  which  will  be  sure. 

Mix  plenty  of  the  dose  of  black,  roll  many  a  pill  of  blue, 

And  also  compound  cqlocynth,  and  compound  aloes  too ; 

And  the  powder  grey  in  doses  weigh ;  likewise  the  Pulv  :  Jalap : 

And  the  Pulv :  Rhei— they  '11  he  wanted  by  right  many  a  little  chap. 

To  remedy  too  much  miucc-pie  put  up^  Vin :  Antim  :  Tart : 

And  Ipecacuan:  which  will  like  benefit  impart, 

And  to  distress  from  fond  excess  in  pudding  give  relief, 

And  the  system  clear  of  the  wine  and  beer  together  with  the  beef. 

Of  Senna  good  provision  make,  and  Scammony  as  well. 

Divide  in  doses  manifold  a  lot  of  Calomel. 

Cheeks  will  grow  pale,  on  beef  and  ale  if  maidens  dance  and  romp. 

Quinine  at  hand  have,  therefore,  and  Mistnra  Ferri  Comp : 

See  that  our  lancets  all  are  sharp ;  our  cupping-glasses  sound ; 

Scarificators  springing  well,  and  well,  if  need  06,  ground: 

Our  leeches  all  right,  and  inclined  to  bite :  for  blood  must  needs  be 

In  case  it  should,  through  too  much  food,  be  determined  to  the  head. 

See  that  "Unguent :  Cantharidis  is  at  thine  elbow  nigh  : 
For  blisters  it  may  also  be  our  duty  to  apply  ; 

And  since  we  're  afraid  that  so  many  our  aid  this  Christmas  will  require, 
The  red-lamp  clean — that  it  may  be  seen — and  look  to  the  night-bell 
wire !  

"  Sleigh-Sleigh-Sleigh !  " 

THERE  is  one  reason  for  supporting  "  COLONEL  "  SLEIGH  for  Green- 
wich, which  must  weigh  with  a  metropolitan  constituency.  The 
"  Colonel "  will  be  just  the  man  to  return  thanks  for  the  Army  at  public 
dinners,  when  ADMIRAL  NAPIER  returns  thanks  for  the  Navy;  seeing 
that  the  Colonel's  name  is  not  in  the  Army  List,  and  the  Admiral's 
ought  not  to  be  in  the  Navy  List. 


tE^^ 

London.—  SATUHBAT,  January  3, 1857. 


JATCAET  10,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE 'LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


11 


f 


'-. 


HOMAGE    TO    HANS    CHRISTIAN    ANDERSEN. 

A  GEXULTJE  LETTER  FROM  A  YOUNG  LADY. 

"  Jlu  ®ear  Mi.  Tuucfi, 

"we  3Cope  you  ate  .yiute  weff  a«D  i  wtsfi  you  Jltanu 
3Cappif  tetuuia  op  Cfimiuaij  auD  i  3Cope  yoit  wiff,  £.xctide  ute  tiling 
to  l^u  6wt  niamnia  oaya  you  affwaip  ate  3'owd  op  fittfe  pccpfe  so 
i  3Cope  you  wiff  Excuse  aa  uie  Jlnd  cfiarfeij  tead  tii  tfie  iffua- 
tetateO  J^udou  [2Vew*]  tfiat  JUU.  3Catta  Cfuwtiait  auDetacn  ia 
Coining  to  apeni)  3Cia  3Coffu)atj4  tit  8nt}fau<)  JlnD  'IVe  afiofo  (ike 
to  Ace  Xiut  Cccasc  fie  aa  JUlatlc  na  Jiff  50  DCapptf  witfi  ia  TSetifuf 
atouja  tfie  ugfij  Suck  tfie  2fop  and  tfie  Saff  tfie  anew  j?ucn  tfie 
TReD  afioea  tfie  tStoiloa  fittfe  ida  tfie  Couatant  tiuaofoeir  atcat 
cfawa  ant)  .(jttfe  Cfawa  tfie  darutna  J^e^Dt'e  attD  Mf  tfie  ze«t  of 
5Jfie:it  and  tt  aaija  iw  tfie  ifiutat  [several  attempts,  a  smear,  and  the  spelling 
evaded  Ly\  Tapet  tde  cfiifttcn  ofiofe  JDleet  fiint  tw  tfie  Ctua-pafface 
auS  we  sfioft)  J^ike  to  Co  and  teff.  fiiiu  fiow  mucfi,  We  ^oyc 
miu  jot  fiti  {jctifuf  atotea  Oo  you  ICHOW  tfie  ttiiDet  Cox  anD  toiuttiefiae 
aud  cfiatfey  fib  tfie  wife  tSwaii*  6eat  6ut  i  3Cope  you  wiff.  S.xctwc 
tittucj  and  i  Jim 

"  l^otit  aj^ectiouate 


oaijA  i  3Cave  not  put  tit  wat  We  nteiit  t|  you  tifeaoe 
Ivtft  you  j3iit  Ju  puitcfi  wat  eyeKi|(;ot)u  ia  to  SDo  to  fet  Jilt,  fiatia 
Jliwew  know  fiow  GfaD  we  ate  3Cc  ta  Coiuiua." 


FRANCE   TO  NAPLES. 

WE  are  enabled  by  the  means  of  an  ubiquitous  corre- 
spondent to  give  a  copy — tlie  only  one  in  existence— of  the 
letter  of  congratulation  written  by  Louis  NAPOLEOX  to 
the  KING  OF  NAPLES  :— 

"MY  DEAK  COUSIX  AXI)  BllOTHEB, 

"In  obedience  to  the  wishes  of  His  HOLINESS 
THE  POPE,  our  common  spiritual  father,  no  less  than  1o  the 
promptings  of  my  own  fraternal  heart,  1  hasten  to  offer  you 
my  congratulations  on  your  escape  from  an  allempt  that, 
had  it  disastrously  succeeded,  would  have  caused  iinivn-.-al 
sorrow  to  every  legitimate  sovereign  in  Europe,  and  despair 
and  consternation  to  the  Two  Sicilies  in  particular.  I  la\  ini: 
happily  escaped,  I  ought  perhaps  further  to  congratulate 
you  that  the  attempt  has  been  made  ;  and  for  this  reason, 
as  it  is  the  destiny  of  all  Sovereigns  and  Tat  hers  of  their 
Pe9ple  to  excite  against,  them,  once  or  twice,  the  sacri- 
legious spirit  of  impious  men,  so  is  it  well  when  the  attempt 
— foiled  and  defeated— is  well  over.  Has  not  our  dear 
brother,  FRANCIS  JOSEPH  of  Austria,  had  kin  little  escapade; 
have  not  I  encountered  the  like  risk  ?  It  is  the  fate  of  the 
purple.  But  I  feel  a  lively  conviction  that  you  are  now 
insured  for  a  long  and  prosperous  life. 

"Of  course  the  diplomatic  relations  that  have  cooled 
between  us  could  in  no  way  lessen  my  admiration  for  yon 
as  a  sovereign,  and  the  respect  I  entertain  for  you  as  a 
man.  Indeed,  I  know  not  whether  the  removal  of  my 
ambassador  from  your  court  has  not  considerably  strength- 
ened your  position  as  an  absolute  monarch.  For  have  I 
not  induced  England  (irmly  and  resolutely  to  join  with  me 
in  doing  nothing?  England  is.  at  least,  in  a  ridiculous 
position,  and  is  not  that  something  ?  And  trust  me,  my 
faith  in  your  discriminating  character  always  led  me  to 
believe  that  you  would  think  me  incapable  of  seriously 
breaking  with  you.  For  how  can  I,  as  the  proprietor  o"f 
Cayenne,  presume  to  meddle  with  the  discipline  that  you 
may  think  best  for  your  royal  gaols  P 

"  You  will  then,  I  trust,  believe  me  in  all  affection, 

"  Your  faithful  Cousin  and  Brother, 

"Louis  NAPOLEON. 

"  P.S.  Is  it  true — I  hope  not — that  an  attempt  has  been 
made  to  convey  to  the  relatives  of  the  impious  MILANO  a 
certain  sum  of  money,  previously  offered  by  some  wicked 
Englishman  to  the  survivors  of  any  one  who  would  attempt 
MILANO'S  work?  But  this  comes  of  the  English  press. 
Oh,  my  friend  and  brother,  why  cannot  those  English 
scribblers,  one  and  all,  be  flung  into  the  consuming  bowels 
of  your  own  Vesuvius  ?  "  . 


CANDLES  AND  EXTINGUISHERS. 

WHENEVER  a  foreign  journalist  is  at  a  loss  for  a  little 
paragraph  to  fill  up  a  corner,  he  instantly  announces  some 
new  tax  as  having  been  imposed  upon  the  Jews  or  Poles 
in  Russia.  We  do  not  know,  therefore,  whether  the 
statement  that  a  tax  has  just  been  levied  by  the  Russian 
authorities  upon  the  wax-lights  used  in  worship  at  the 
Jewish  Sabbath  be  a  truth,  or  only  a  tvpographical  ex- 
pedient. But  if  true,  the  addition  mat  the  tax  so  raised 
is  to  be  applied  in  support  of  Jewish  Schools,  is  somewhat 
extenuatory.  We  think  the  same  process  might  be  applied 
to  our  Puscyites.  Let  them  have  their  church-candles, 
but  under  a  tolerably  heavy  tax,  to  bo  devoted  to  the 
support  of  schools  -where  children  will  learn  reasons  for 
laughing  at  mummeries. 


The   "  Resolute  "   and  the  Irresolute. 

ENGLAND  intends  imitating  the  generous  example  of 
America.  She  intends  sending  over  to  the  EMPEKOR 
ALEXANDER  one  of  me  Russian  ships  taken  in  the  late 
war,  and  to  beg  his  acceptance  of  it— admiral,  crew,  and 
all.  The  Admiral  selected  for  the  appointment  has  been 
SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER,  and  several  of  the  most  sensible 
electors  of  Southwark  form  part  'of  his  crew. 


SLAVE  INSURRECTION.— Great  excitement  has  taken 
place  in  the  Southern  States,  from  expectation  of  a  revolt 
of  the  slaves.  The  black  draught  is  working. 


VOL.  XXXII. 


12 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  10,  1857. 


MACBETH    AT    ASTLEY'S. 

"And  Duncan's  horses  (a  thing  most  strange  and  certain), 
licanteous  and  swift,  the  minions  of  their  race, 
Tnrn'd  wild  in  nature,  broke  their  stalls,  flung  out, 
Contending  'gainst  obedience — " 

MURMURING  those  well-remembered  lines,  we  entered  the  theatre; 
::nd  over  against  the  immemorial  sawdust  of  our  childhood,  which  was, 
and  is,  ami  we  hope  will  continue  to  be,  ever  sweet  and  fragrant,  took 
our  seat,  in  our  box,  fully  prepared  to  enjoy  Mu.  COOKE'S  "  equestrian 
illustrations"  of  Macbeth.  The  play  had  begun  some  little  tune,  and 
i  In1  witches  had  vanished,  which  was  a  disappointment,  in  that  we  had 
no  positive  means  of  knowing  whether  they  did  so  on  horseback  ;  but 
if  they  did  not,  they  ought  to  have  done.  To  have  seen  them 
-ing  wildly  up  a  precipitous  and  well  saw-dusted  platform 
with  cloud  lacings,  and  so  "into  the  air"  which  the  band  was  then 
plaving,  would  nave  been  a  tremendous  " effect ; "  and  with  t  he 
addition  of  a  spoonful  of  red  fire,  altogether  weird  and  terrible — but 
this  by  the  way.  And  there  we  saw  General  Macbeth,  looking  very 


smart,  and  brave,  and  warlike  in  his  new  ring'd  shirt,  accompanied  by 
General  Banqito  in  a  crimson  cloak  of  somewhat  faded  splendour,  which 
had  evidently  once  belonged  to  Count  Almamva-  but  he  looked  bravely 
too ;  and  it  was  very  pleasant  to  see  them  riding  over  the  "  blasted 
heat!',''  and  making  no  more  fuss  about  it  than  if  it  had  been  that  of 
Ban-instead.  Then  followed  closely  six  warriors  in  waterproof  leggings 
smothered  in  buttons,  mounted  upon  an  equal  number  of  "  higluy 
trained  steeds  ";  and  then  twelve  "supers"  on  foot,  with  their  legs 
scored  all  over  with  red  tape — which  of  course  we  knew  to  be  the 
Scottish  army — and  so  the  scene  closed  in. 

In  the  next— and  upon  the  announcement  to  Lady  Macbeth  of  the 
King's  proposed  visit— we  began  to  speculate  as  to  the  probable 
manner  in  which  "Duncan's  horses,"  the  "  beauteous  and  swift,"  would 
— according  to  the  text — be  made  to  break  their  stalls,  when  the  proper 
time  should  arrive  for  their  doing  so.  This  being  the  "incident"  of 
all  others  which  we  were  quite  sure  must  be  the  crowning  "illustration" 
of  I  IK-  play.  Duncan  was  coming,  that  was  certain— as  certain  was  it 
that  lie  would  come  on  horseback,  with  "  all  the  king's  horses  and  all 
the  king's  men,"  and  a  gallant  cavalcade  of  Thanes,  and  knights  in 
gorgeous  caparison,  and  banners,  and  trumpeters,  and  all  the  rest  of  it. 
Thai  we  should  have  the  horses,  therefore,  was  settled.  Any  doubt  at 
all  about  it,  however,  was  soon  cleared  up— in  the  very  next  scene 
indeed — by  the  arrival  of  the  royal  party,  the  royal  "  party  "  himself 
being  under  what  we  at  lirst  took  to  be  a  four-post  bedstead,  but  which 
was  m  reality  a  regal  canopy,  supported  by  four  retainers  in  crimson 
gaiters.  If  MB.  CAMPBELL'S  portrait  of  the  "  gracious  Duncan  "  were 
at  all  like  the  kingly  original,  he  must  have  been  a  very  "  gracious  " 
and  affable  old  gentleman  indeed.  His  delivery  of  the  line 

"  but  he  rides  well," 

was  capital,  combining  a  graceful  compliment  to  MR.  HOLLOWAY'S 
horsemanship,  aud  an  excellent  point  with  reference  to  the  speciality 
of  the  theatre. 
The  next  scene  was  that  wherein  Macbeth  and  his  wife  arrange  the 


altogether  inappropriate  phrase— "out  on  the  loose."  We  had  a  per- 
fectly vivid  notion  of  the  way  in  which  the  late  MR.  Ducnow  would 
have  ridden  over  the  difficulty — a  scene  would  have  been  interpolated 
representing,  in  the  Ih-sf  place,  the  Interior  of  the  Stables  in  Macbeth's 
Castle  (and  what  a  line  for  the  bill!).  Din/ran  w,,s  at  supper,  //.•<•/// 
Macbeth  \\;\&  just  said  so,  what  then  more  likely,  1  hat  having  finished 


that  cheerful  meal,  he  should  express  a  wish  to  his  noble  host  to  "just 
go  round  the  stables,"  a  custom  perfectly  in  keeping  with  the  rude 
Fashion  of  that  warlike  time ;  and  so,  by  an  ingenious  device,  we  should 
have  seen  the  "minions  of  their  race"  each  in  his  respective  stall, 
"  done  up  "  for  the  night  snug  and  comfortable ;  but  here  our  reverie 
was  interrupted  by  the  scene  changing  to 

A    COURT    WITHIN    THE    CASTLE. 

_  Ahem!— we  mentally  ejaculated— no  stables.  Yes,  to  be  sure-^all 
right!  here  we  have  the  outside  of  them,  opening  quite  properly  inlo 
the  courtyard  -  but  (shade  of  DUCHOW  !)  where  were  the  double  plat- 
forms, down  which,  having  "broke  their  stalls,"  the  infuriated  steed: 
woj!  1  stamp  and  clatter;  with  grooms  and  horseboys  wildly  hanging 
on  in  every  sort  of  struggling  attitude— now  dragging  them  one  way, 
now  hacking  them  another,  and  in  short  going  through  all  that  vigorous 
pantomime  which  everybody  who  has  seen  Mazeppa  knows  perfectly 
well  is  the  proper  way  of  managing  wild  horses  ?  Hut  where  were  t  he 
horses?— the  time  was  fully  up— the  storm  was  at  its  height,  the  sheet- 
iron  was  rumbled,  the  lightning  was  flashed,  the  murder  was  com- 
raitt&L,  AfacbitA  had  lefl  liie  stage  and  was  washing  his  hands,  Macduff 
had  arrived,  and  was  making  noise  enough,  not  only  to  wake  up  the 
house,  but  to  rouse  the  neighbourhood,  and  all  the  while  'Duncan's 
horses  "  were  palieiitly  waiting  underneath  the  stage  to  be  mounted  by 
the  English  cavalry  in  the  last  act  ;  and  no  more  thinking  about 
breaking  loose  than  of  eating  one  another. 


To  speak  truly,  we  were  a  little  disappointed;  we  felt  that  MR. 
COOKE  scarcely  made  the  most  of  his  materials;  in  other  words,  that 
he  gave  us  rather  too  much  SHAKSPEAKE,  and  not  enough  COOKE  ;  and 
thai  his  new  edition  of  the  tragedy  would  be  all  the  better  for  less 
letter-press,  and  more  "equestrian  illustrations."  For  example,  in  th'- 
scene  of  Baxguo's  murder ;  at  the  line — 

"  His  horses  go  about — " 

how  good  it  would  have  been  to  have  seen  them  literally  going 
about,  aud  over  a  bridge  at  the  back  of  the  stage,  or  zigzagging  up 
the  mountains  ;  whilst  Banquo  walks  across  the  front,  in  Count  Alma- 
viva's  cloak.  And  why  (in  the  name  of  all  that  is  hippodramatic)  did 
not  the  messenger  who  announces  the  coming  of  Biniam  Wood,  gallop 
in  on  horseback?  and  so  give  Macbeth  " the  office  "  to  drag  him  oil' 


bodily— which  would  have  been  somst/tiag  like  a    "  sit  nation."    And 
again,  when  Macbeth  says — 

"  .Send  ont  more  a-lior-r-ses, " 
what  a  famous  opportunity  for  disulaying  the  " numerous  stud,"  and 
"stupendous  resources  of  tin-  establishment"— an  opportunity  worth 
any  amount  of  posteis  and  advertisements,  and  nothing  to  come  of  it ! 
So  following  up  our  previous  thought,  we,  too,  say  with  Macbeth— 
"mere  horses." 
But  the  last  scene  of  all,  was  very  thrilling,  and   ;u  <  v,  <y  way  a 


JANUARY  10,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


13 


triiiiniili.  Dnnsinane  in  a  stale  of  siege— terrific  encounter  of  horse 
and  fooi-sortic  of  the  garrison— Mwwtt  rushing  about,  without  his 
hat,  like  a  maniac  in  the  front  garden— then  the  cream-coloured  horse 
on  the  "prompt  side"  was  tapped  under  the  knees  till  he  fell  down 
dead-Mid  then  the  while  horse  on  the  O.  P.  side  was  served  in  the 
same  way,  and  fell  down  dead  too—  then  Macbeth  met  Macdtff  in  mid 
.  and  a  combat  ensued,  so  terrible,  that  even  to  think  about  it 
takes  one's  breath  away— and  then  Macbeth  smeared  seme  rose-pink 
o\er  hi  countenance,  aiul  was  finished  off  in  a  grim  and  ghastly  manner 
•I  then  MH.  W.  COOKE,  JUN.,  was  hoisted  on  a'shield— the  warriors 
all  shouted  "  Hail,  King  of  Scotland!"  and  the  curtain  came  down, 
amid  the  "deafening  plaudits  and  reiterated  acclamations  of  a  crowded 
and  fashionable  audience." 


Vauxhall  Gardens  exactly  as  they  stand,  and  bringing  them  over  with 
the  Hermit,  the  10,000  Additional  Lamps,  Sea-Horses,  and  even  thins 
all  complete,  to  Niiu.o's.  Gardens. 

MK.  MITCUEU,  is  in  the  North,  trying  his  best,  to  domesticate  the 
famous  breed  of  Kilkenny  Oats  in  our  country. 

The  reason  why  the  ladies  wear  such  tremendous  circumferential 
dresses,  is  a  very  spiteful  one.  It  is  oiih  In  make  it  more  difficult  than 
ever  for  their. poor  weak  fools  of  husbands  to  gct.rouud  them. 


Of  MR.  HOLLOWAY'S  performance  of  the  principal  character,  we 
cannot  speak  too  highly ;  most  of  his  scenes  being  rendered  very  intel- 
ligibly, and  with  reallv  marvellous  power ;  his  style  is  evidently  based 
npon  the  severe  schools  of  KEMBLE  and  CARTLITCII — especially 
CAKTLITCH— with  just  the  least  hint  in  the  world  of  PHELPS  and  HICKS 
— especially  HICKS. 

We  reserve  our  remarks  (should  we  have  any  to  make)  upon  the 
other  Pantomime  of  Paul  Pry  on  Horseback,  until  our  recovery  from 
the  excitement  produced  by  Macbeth. 


COMPARATIVES   AKE   ODIOUS. 

EVEKV  student  of  his  LINDLEY  MUKHAY  is,  or  should  be,  well  aware 
tjiat  very  m:ni\  of  the  comparatives  in  ihe  English  language  are  in  their 
formation  as  irregular  ,vs  the  trains  upon  the  Eastern  Counties  railway. 
The  addition  of  "  er"  is  the  general  rule,  but  to  this,  as  to  every  rule, 
1  hero  are  plenty  of  exceptions.  For  instance,  it  is  more,  correct  to  use 
the  prefix  "  more  "  in  I  his  ease,  than  to  say  "  correct  er  ; ''  and  nowhere, 
we  imagine,  except  perhaps  in  the  cxamin.-iiirn  papers  of  a  candidate 
for  a  Civil  Service  clerkship,  could  we  ever  come  across  such  a  word  as 
"  gooder." 

There  are,  however,  several  other  ways  of  forming  our'cemparativcs 
than  those  with  wliich  our  grammars  ha\e  us  \et   made  us  acquainted. 
;  Tlie^ word  "more,"  for  instance,  is  In  the  only  intensify  ii'g 

>nvli\  which  is  used  for  the  purpose:  bnt  of  a  dozen  others  we  select, 
tor  illustration,  the  familiar  one  of  "jolly."  Tims,  when  we  speak  of 
an  acquaintance  being  "jolly  drunk,"  the  first  of  these  two  adjectives 
becomes  a  prefix  of  intensity,  and  denotes  a  something  more  than 
mci-ely  positive  state  of  tipsiness.  In  some  cases,  too,  the  entire  word 
is  merged,  aud  another  substituted;  as,  for- example,  when  we  wish  to 
describe  a  man  as  being  something  more  than  a  positive  nuisance,  we 
are  necessarily  driven  to  write  him  down  a  XI.WPKGATF..  It  is  how- 
( u;'-  (ir:iie  _  impossible,  to  assign  any  reason  or  rule  for  these  irregu- 
larities. For  example,  a  comparative  most  closely  akin  in  meaning  to 
thai  which  we  last,  instanced,  is  one  of  the  most  regular  and  legitimate 
formation,  as  may  be  shown  at  once  by  putting  it  thus  : — 
Positive  ....  SPOON, 
Compamtii-e .  .  ...  SPOON  ER! 


THE     LATEST     FROM     AMERICA. 

(In  Anticipation  of  the  new  Submarine  Telegraph.) 

NOTICES  have  been  served  upon  all  the  magpies  in  the  neighbourhood 
of  New  Orleans  that,  for  the  future,  they  must  decide  whether  they 
will  be  black  or  wlute ;  for  it  is  morally  impossible  that  they  can  be 
allowed  to  remain  any  longer  on  both  sides. 

In  Kentucky  a  barrister  has  taken  out  a  patent  for  cracking  jokes. 
The  machine  is  in  the  form  of  a  lawyer's  head,  mounted  wiih  a  wig 
made  apparently  of  horsehair,  and  it  is  found  that  if  the  smallest  joke 
is  put  into  its  mouth,  it  is  cracked  instantly  with  the  greatest  applause. 

In  New  Hampshire  a  miller  has  invented  a  new  motive  power  for 
turning  his  mill.  The  secret  consists  in  throwing  every  now  and  then 
a' bottle  of  Cognac  into  the  stream,  and  the  effect,  it  is  said,  is  such  as 
to  make  the  wheel,  by  the  aid  of  this  new  brandy-and-water  power, 
revolve  vi  ith  almost  nearly  the  same  velocity  as  a  woman's  tongue  ! 

The  voracity  of  the  shark  is  too  well  known  to  need  any  comment. 
Last  week,  a  full-sized  one  was  taken  in  the  Bay  of  New  York.  For 
days  and  nights  previously,  the  persons  living  on  the  shores  had  been 
charmed  with  the  most  delightful  music.  Upon  the  shark  being  opened, 
the  secret  was  laid  bare.  Lo,  and  behold,  there  was  a  cottage  piano 
inside  its  stomach !  The  instrument  was  open,  and  in  front  of  it  there 
was  found  a  copy  of  "  CRAMER'S  Exercises." 

-li  Oculist  has  the  theory  that  the  potato-disease  arises  from 
too  much  moisture,  the  consequence  of  which,  he  says,  is  to  give  the 
potato  a  cataract  in  its  eye.  He  has  devoted  a  whole  lifetime  to  the 
1  study  of  this  disease,  and  he  now  makes  the  announcement  that 
he  has  succeeded  in  inventing  a  "POTATO  EYE  SNUFF,"  which  he 
guarantees  will  effectually  cure  the  ophthalmic  esculent. 

It  is  solemnly  aa  ested  by  English  Jurists  that  "Wisdom  lies  in  a 
V,  i  :•.''  But  we  can  record  a  more  wonderful  phenomenon  than  that, 
for  we  actually  knew  an  instance  of  the  Wisdom  lying  in  a  Tory  !— 
and  at  election  times,  it  lied  pretty  soundly  too. 

Elderly  ladies,  who  have  the  privilege  of  proposing  fo  youuir  gentle- 
men during  Leap  Year  should  make  a  practice  of  residing  at  Niagara, 
I  be  Falls  (very  year  is  a  Leap-Year. 

about  to  proceed  to  London  for  the'purnosc  of  purchasing 


CLUB  PARE. 

THE  rate  at  which  officials  are  paid  at  our  principal  Clubs  is  gene- 
rally upon  the  following  discriminating  scale  : — 


receives  from 


£800    to    £1000  a-yoar 
100      „          150       „ 

250      ,  300 


The  Cook 
The  Librarian 
The  Secretary 

The  above  scale  fully  proves  the' superior  value  of  Physical  Food 
over  Intellectual ! 

And  in  addition  to  his  £800  or  £1000  a-ycar,  the  Cook  (an  elegant 
French  or  Italian  gentleman,  in  the  cleanest  of  cotton  nightcaps)  has 
the  privilege  of  taking  pupils,  and  "  finishing "  other  cooks,  to  say 
nothing  of  innumerable  other  perquisites  and  douceurs. 
^  Neither  the  Librarian  nor  the  Secretary  enjoys  similar  privileges. 
They  must  be  always  on  the  premises,  ready  at  a  moment's  grumble, 
to  listen  to  the  complaint  of  any  over-pampered  member.  To  take  iu 
a  pupil  would  be  as  much  as  the  eyes  of  either  would  be  worth.  To 
eke  out  their  income  in  any  respectable  wav  would  be  voted  by  the 
Committee  a  stain  of  dishonour  such  as  no  fuller's  earth,' save  instant 
dismissal,  could  possibly  remove ! 

We  wonder  that,  in  their  leisure  moments,  the  Secretary  and  the 
Librarian  do  not  occasionally  descend  to  the  kitchen,  and  take  a  few 
turns  at.  the  spit,  so  that  when  the  Cook  has  made  !iis  fortune  and 
retired  to  his  chateau  Margaux  or  Lafitte,  they.might  be  duly  qualified 
to  take  his  place  and  salary  ? 


American  Journalism  in  e.  new  Line. 

IT  is  much  to  be  hoped  that  the  Telegraph  wire, 

About  to  be  laid  down,  will  not  form  a  lyre 

( )u  which  to  strike  discord  'twixt  the  Ol'd  World  aud  New ; 

Though  scarce  can  we  hope  all  its  Messages  true, 

For  then  t'  other  side  would  have  nothing  to  do. 


BIBLES  FOB  THE   DESTITUTE. 

A  WEALTHY  American  has  ordered  a  quarto  Bible,  bound  in  morocco, 
with  panel  covers  and  rosewood  cases,  for  each  and  every  of  the 
"crowned  heads  of  the  world."  Should  the  present,  in  every  case, 
have  the  desired  effect,  how  marvellously  will  the  heads  of  the  world 
be  turned ! 

NAME  FOR  THE  WESTMINSTER  NEW   BRIDGE. — As  it  will  lead  to 
Souses   I.!'    I'arliamen;.  may  we  respectfully  suggest  that  it  be 
called  the  "  PONS  ASINORIM?" 


14 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANDAEY  10,  1857. 


OF  ALL  FOOLISH  THINGS,  THE  MERE  PUN  is  PERHAPS   THE   MOST  FOOLISH.— Now, 
HERE  's   A   FELLOW  (PROBABLY  A  MEMBER   OF  THE   ST — CK.  EXCH — NGE)  WHO,  IN 

SPITE     OF     HIS     REALLY     PERILOUS     CONDITION,    SAYS     "  THAT     HE     CAME     OUT    FOR     A 

(W)HOLE  HOLIDAY — AND  HAS  GOT  IT!" 


'FIFTY-SIX  AT  THE  BAR. 

AT  his  Session  of  Audit  old  CIIRONOS  was  seated, 

To  balance  the  books  of  the  year  'Fifty-six ; 
The  ledger  he  closed,  his  inquiry  completed. 

But  paused,  ere  proceeding  his  seal  to  affix. 
"What  certificate" — thus  spake  COMMISSIONER  CHRONOS, 

"  Shall  I  give  to  the  year  that  has  just  passed  the  Court  ? 
Shall  I  brand  him  with  scorn,  shall  I  crown  him  with  honours  ? 

Hand  him  o'er,  foul  or  whitewashed,  to  after-report  ? 

"  In  the  old  world,  what  fetters  by  him  have  been  lightened  ? 

In  the  new,  hath  he  not  rather  forged  a  fresh  chain  ? 
I  look  for  the  nations,  whose  hopes  he  hath  brightened, 

The  truths  he  hath  garnered,  theses  he  hath  slain. 
To  the  plentiful  harvest  of  shams  diplomatic, 

He  hath  added,  in  Naples,  but  one  sham  the  more  ; 
And  the  dark  cloud  that  looms  o'er  the  sad  Adriatic, 

Thanks  to  him  looks  more  broad  and  more  black  than 
before. 

"  If  I  turn  to  the  head  of  account  marked  '  Great  Britain,' 

I  but  find  shameful  record  of  fraud  and  of  crime, 
In  ink  red  as  blood,  each  foul  entry  is  written ; 

Or  ,reeks  from  the  page  as  with  poisonous  slime. 
How  pause  on  a  leaf,  where  I  find  DOVE  and  PALMER, 

SADLEIR,  B.OBSON,  and  HEDPATH,  and  OAM'RON  enroll' d— 
Where  I  read  'England's'  protest,  while  doTiningits  armour 

To  defend  from  the  spoiler  its  life  and  its  gold. 

"  Speak  out,  'Fifty-Six,  and  show  cause,  if  thou  hast  one, 

Why  thy  name  in  the  Black-book  of  Time  should  not  stand." 
"  Please  your  Honour,"   quoth  old  'Fifty-Six,  "  ere  you 
oast  one 

Into  limbo,  a  rcf'rence  to  March  I  demand. 
There  your  Honour  will  see,  that  how  scanty  soever 

My  assets  of  realised  good  may  appear ; 
In  one  point  at  least  success  crowned  my  endeavour, 

For  that  I  am  the  twelvemonths  which  muzzled  the  Bear. 

"That  achievement,  I  humbly  submit,  should  o'erbalaur:' 

What  of  wrong  in  the  old  world  I  'vc  borne  with,  or  done  ; 
And  as  for  the  new  world — this  reign  of  BUCHANAN'S, 

I  own  I  'm  ashamed  of,  before  'tis  begun. 
But  here,  too,  I  've  got  a  per  contra,  as  set-off, 

In  the  submarine  telegraph  /  have  seen  planned, 
Which  from  this  side  and  that,  peccant  humours  shall  let  off, 

And  link  JOHN  and  JONATHAN,  fast,  heart  and  hand." 


'THE    RESOLUTE." 

WELL,  we  have  been  invaded  by  JONATHAN,  and  all  of  us  Englishers 
taken  prisoners.  CAPTAIN  HARTSTEIN  and  his  jovial,  gallant  crew,  have 
carried  away  the  best  parts  of  the  Britishers— their  hearts.  We  have 
struck  to  the  generosity  of  the  Stars  and  Stripes,  and  only  pant  with  a 
feeling  to  avenge  ourselves  by  the  best  and  greatest  act  of  gratitude 
that  destiny  may  yet  have  in  store  for  us.  The  Resolute,  a  waif  and 
stray  amidst  mountainous  icebergs,  rubbed  and  barked,  and  a  little, 
and  not  a  little  nipped,  was  picked  up  by  American  hands,  carried  into 
an  American  port,  and  forthwith  docked  in  an  American  dock,  to  be 
returned  by  son  JONATHAN  to  daddy  JOHN,  as  spick  and  span  as  when 
she  first  turned  her  bows  from  her  English  home  for  Arctic  seas.  There 
was  fine  music  going  on  whilst  the  Resolute  lay  in  that  American  dock. 
Every  blow  of  the  shipwright's  hammer  struck  a  note  of  lasting  peace 
between  the  two  countries.  Yankee  Doodle  and  God  Save  tlie  Queen  were 
sounded  by  that  harmonious  iron.  It  would  take  very  many  of  the  brassy 
tongues  of  the  MITCHELLS  and  the  MEAGHERS— Irishmen  melodiously 
raucous  with  the  wrongs  of  "the  first  flower"  and  "the  first  gem" 
—to  drown  the  recollection  of  those  sweet  sounds  in  the  memory  of 
Englishmen.  CAPTAIN  HARTSTEIN,  in  his  manly,  sailor-like  speech— 
with  the  smaek  of  the  true  salt  in  it— hoped  that  the  old  timbers  of  the 
Resolute  would  float  for  many  a  day.  Sure  we  are  that  they  will  float 
with  a  still  enduring  strength,  none  the  worse  but  all  the  better, 
for  the  bit  of  timber  grown  on  the  soil  of  America,  that  may  here 
and  there  be  found  in  her  English  carcase.  Sweet,  and  especially 
fragrant  the  pitch  that  newly  caulked  her— pitch  tapped  from  American 
pines. 

CAPTAIN  HARTSTEIN  has  departed,  and  is  now  on  the  Atlantic.  Our 
regret  is  that  he  could  not  have  been  brought  face  to  face  with  all 
England ;  that  every  Englishman  could  not  have  had  a  grip  of  his 
sailor-hand.  This  was  not  to  be,  but— we  give  the  hint  to  the  Lords  of 
the  Admiralty— why  not,  as  a  further  perpetuation  of  the  memory  of  the 
gallant  fellow's  mission,  why  not  christen  the  next  English  ship  launched 
— The  Hartstein  ?  Further.'we  know  not  whether  we  would  not  lengthen 


the  name  of  The  Resolute  into  The  Resolute  Jonathan ;  or,  we  are  not 
particular,  to  The  Jonathan  Resolute.  In  these  suggestions  Punch  has 
done  his  duty :  let  the  Lords  of  the  Admiralty  imitate  Punch. 


AUSTRIA'S  EAGLE   AND  GOOSE. 

THE  EMPEROR  OF  AUSTRIA  proposes  to  beatify  Milan  by  arriving  in 
that  city  on  the  9th  Januaryj  and,  in  order  that  the  enthusiasm  of  the 
Milanese  towards  their  foreign  monarch  may  not  be  wanting  in  out- 
ward expression,  a  loyal  demonstration  of  a  peculiar  kind  is  to  be  made 
at  the  theatre.  The  'Times'  Paris  Correspondent  says  that  :— 

' '  Orders  have  been  given  to  the  performers  at  the  theatre  of  La  Scala  to  prepare 
to  play  VERDI'S  opera  of  Ernani,  arid  to  substitute  for  the  words  '  A  Qtaiomagw  sia 
Gloria  e.  orior,'  the  words  '  A  Francisco  Guisr.ppe  sia  gloria  e  onor.'  The  verse  will  be 
destroyed  by  the  change,  but  the  Austrian  authorities  are  no  strict  observers  of  the 
rules  of  Italian  poetry." 

This  violation  of  prosody  will  only  increase  the  aversion  of  Italians 
to  Austrian  measures.  A  more  dangerous  expression  of  sham  loyalty 
could  hardly  have  been  ventured  on  in  a  playhouse  ;  where  the  audience 
are  privileged  to  express  their  disapprobation  if  they  please;  that^is, 
are  displeased  with  anything  done,  said,  or  sung  on  the  stage.  The 
above-quoted  infraction  of  metre  is  a  certain  goosetrap,  though  a  trap 
set  to  catch  the  opposite  of  goose.  The  barbarous  line  will  be  inevit- 
ably hissed,  and  FRANCISCO  GUISEPPE  will  be  placed  in  the  unpleasant 
predicament  of  doubt  as  to  whether  the  hisses  arc  intended  for  the 
sentiment,  or  the  solecism  or  both,  of  the  clumsy  compliment  which 
lie  will  receive  from  unwilling  sycophants,  at  the  dictation  of  asinine 
flunkeys.  

A  New  Year's  Gift  to  Louis  Napoleon. 

IT  is  said  that  a  New  Year's  Gift,  of  the  simplest  kind,  found  its 
way  to  the  Tuileries  on  New  Year's  Day  directed  to  the  EMPEROR.^  It 
was  no  other  than  an  apple  pierced  with  an  arrow ;  the  arrow  inscribed 
From  the  Land  of  WILLIAM  TELL  to  the  late  exile,  Louis  NAPOLEON. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JANUARY  10,  1857. 


THE   PRUSSIAN   DISTURBER   OF    THE   PEACE. 


JAXUARY  10,  1857.] 


PUXCTI,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


17 


LORD    PALMERSTON    AT    SOUTHAMPTON. 

LOUD  PAI.MEKSI'OX  com- 
plains i hiit  his  confidence 
has  IKVII  betrayed  by  Mr. 
LAXKI:MI:K,  iiu  outspeak- 
ing burgess  of  Southamp- 
ton. His  lordship  in  the 
course  of  an  airy  chat  ven- 
tured (o  express  his  doubt 
of  the  scholastic  litiii 
Mil.  AXOUKWS  ton-present 
Southampton;  bui  his  lord- 
ship iu  no  way  intended  !iis 
(•pinion  to  be  published  in 
the  borough.  Of  coi 
however,  LORD  PALMEK- 
STON  is  not  the  man  to 
flinch  from  anything  lie  lias 
uttered:  quite  otherwise, 
he  stands  to  it ;  and  further, 
\vill  display  his  constitu- 
tional courage  by  a  further 
vindication  of  nis  \ 
To  this  end  it  is  said  that 
i'u.MKiisTux  has  re- 
solved to  decline  the  sup- 
port of  any  member  who 
improperly  drops  or  exalts 
his  rl's  when  speaking  of 
the  Ouorable  Ouse,  or  of 
any  Hact  or  Haets  of  Par- 
liament,. This  rigour  will 
somewhat  lessen  the  noble 
lord's  customary  majorities; 

but   this  dilHculty   lie  is   prepared  to  meet.     I'urther,  we  understand 
iii    Tut  lire,  all  member.-,   of  1'arliament   before   being  invited  to 

LADY  PALHZ'BSTON'S  will  have  to  undergo  an  examination  that  shall 

icst    their  knowledge  of  all  the  historical  arcana  of  the  beau  monde. 

\\  c  give  a  few  of  the  questions  as  they  have  oozed  out  from  the  com- 

initlce  at  Almack's— only  a  few. 

State  the  origin  of  May  Fair,  and  name  the  countess  who  fell  iu  love 
with  the  rope-dance:-. 

How  many  gold  frogs  were  worn  by  the  Prince  Hegent  on  his  frock- 
coat,  and  what  was  the  value  of  every  frog? 

Was  BEAU  BRUMMELL  vaccinated  ?' 

At  what  da!  e  did  hoops  disappear  from  Rauelagh  ;  and  when  amongst 
ladies  of  distinction  did  little  blade  footboys  go  out? 

Can  uiu  detect  paste  from  diamonds,  and  by  what  means,  and  at 
w  h:n  distance  ? 

What  are  your  armorial  bearings,  and  liow  did  you  obtain  them  ? 

Do  you,  or  do  you  not,  believe  that  SIR  EKAXCIS  BURDETT  was  justly 
sent  to  the  Tower  ;  and  do  you  or  do  you  not,  believe  that  the  interests 
of  really  good  society  would  have  been  greatly  benefited  if  HORNE 
TOOK  i:  had  been  hanged  ? 

We  believe  MR.  ANDREWS  of  Southampton  to  be  a  very  worthy 
man,  but  we  much  fear  that,  even  if  elected  for  that  borough,  he  will 
•ly  be  able,  to  pass  the  examination  necessary  to  admit  him  to 
LADY  PALMERS-TON'S  parties. 


STAEVATION  OF  LOYAL  MINDS. 

THE  Court  Circular  is  very  niggardly  of  the  information  with  which 
it  supplies  HKH  M  A.MOSTY'S  subjects  respecting  the  personal  and  private 
acts  of  HER  MAJESTY  and  her  illustrious  CONSORT.  For  instance,  one 
day  hist  week,  the  whole  of  the  intelligence,  not  merely  public,  relative 
to  the  ()[  EEK  and  PRINCE  ALBERT,  was  comprised  int'he  two  folio-wing 
scraps -Ju'ghly  interesting  and  important,  to  be  sure,  but  still  two 
only  :— 

"The  QURKN  walked  in  the  grounds  adjoining  the  Castle  this  morning. 


wautea  m  the  grounds  adjoining  the  Castle  this  morning. 
"His  ROYAL  Hiownras  PBIBCE  ALBBBT,  with  th«  PKINCI:  OF  WALES   the  Pn 
>F  LEIXINC;I:N,  :md  PftlNCB  EDWARD  OF  LEISISOKH.  skated  oil  the  ice  iu  the  II 
ruk." 


:TNCE 
'ome 


Who  ran  doubt  that  HER  MAJESTY  did  a  great  many  things  of  full 
BS  much,  if  not  move  consequence,  than  walking  in  the  grounds  ad- 
joining W  mdsor  Castle  on  the  day  in  question  ?  The  QUEKX  drank  at 
breakfast  either  tea  or  coffee,  or  chocolate,  or  cocoa,  or  something  else 
—but  we  tire  not  informed  which,  or  what.  HI;H  MAJESTY,  of  course 
exercised  her  mind  as  well  as  her  body-why  are  we  not  told  what 
books,  pap  nodicals,  she  honoured  with  her  perusal?  The 

omission  is  not  only  most  important,  but  perhaps  unjust,  for  it  mav 


have   withheld   from  publicity  an  enviable  distinction  very  probably 
conferred  upon  l'ii>it:li. 

Why  should  the  public  appetite  for  knowledge  concerning  the  acts 
of  1'iuxci:  Ai.iii-'.KT  be  stinted  to  the  information  that.  His  Jioyal 
Highness  skated  with  certain  other  Princes  on  the  ice  in  the  Home 
Park?  It  is  as  likely  as  not  I  hat  the  I'rinee  spent  some  port  ion  of  the 
day  i'i  designing  a  military  frock  and  trousers,  or  a  new  cap  for  the 
infantry,  or  an  art-helmet  for  the  cavalry.  After  skating  on  the  ice  he 
doubtless  felt  hungry;  but  a  loyal  people  is  no!  even  acquainted 
whether  he  returned  to  the  Castle  to  lunch  or  to  dine,  or  partook  of 
refreshment  on  tin;  spot.  The  illustrious  Prince  may  possibly  have 
indulged  in  a  cigar  in  the  course  of  the  (lay,  but  what  the  fact  was.  in 
•i 'iientous  particular,  is  left  to'  conjecture.  It  is  not  impossible 
that  the  Prince  honoured  ,M<)Ki'in-:rs  by  ia.khig  a  nap  at  some  time 
len  breakfast  and  bed  ;  but  then  to  be  sure  we  cannot,  expect  the 
Court  Circular  io  say  that  PRIXCE  ALBERT  was  caught  napping. 


"  SET   A   THIEF  TO   CATCH   A  THIEF." 

(Ee'unj  some  Eints  on  Prison  Discipline,  addressed  to  Mr.  Punch  by  an  old 

Ticket-of -Leaver.) 
"  -'OxEKED  S 

"  I  DO  think  there  never  was  sich  times  for  offendurs,  setten 
'cm  up  with  hevcry  body  a  ritin  about  'cm,  and  all  in  a  pukker,  some 
adwokatin  o  the  gallus,  wich  tliat  wont  do  it,  you  may  take  your  davy, 
r  a  London  scoundrel  may  say,  and  some  a  torkin  out,  for  Botiiy 
bay  agin,  wich  taint  so  hesy  as  it  looks  to  find  fokes  as  will  be  glad  to 
take  our  baduns  off  our  ands  and  no  qucstshuns  axed,  and  suppose  you 
tries  it  on  with  South  Hostralia  and  Carpentaria,  well  jest  you  wate 
some  three  yeres,  wen  South  Hostralia 'ave  took  as  many  convicts 
aa  she  wants,  and  Carpentary's  grown  sich  an  Ell  upon  Erth  that  you've 
ad  to  do  av.  ay  v.  ii  h  it  as  you  ad  with  Norfolk  Island ;  well  then  all  the 
fat  'ill  be  iu  the  fire  and  you'll  ave  to  face  the  facks  arter  all  and  fined 
owt  'ow  to  dele  with  yur  prigs  at  'ome,  depend  on  it.  Better  face  the 
lacks  at  wunce,  Mr.  Punch,  that's  wot  I  say,  and  insted  of  caUin  out  for 
transportaslum,  see  wether  we  cant  fit  the  best  part  of  our  prigs — 
them  as  aiut  too  bad  for  anythink  but  prisun — for  emigrashun,  and  as 

I'll  be  bound  there's  islands 
ferther  off  the  diggins,  and 
„.  ,  j.          --  'd  'em. 

As  I've  beenasayiu'  all  along,  wurkisthe  wnn  thing  prigs  'ates,  and 
vunce  you  teche  a  cove  there  aint  nothink  for  'im  but  wurk,  and  find 
wurk  for  'im,  and  cum  down  on  'im  sharp  if  'e  wont  wurk,  then  you've 
dun  the  best  you  can  for  the  prigs  as  you  can  do  anythink  with.     The 
as  yon  can  ketch  afore  they've  got  it  werry  bad.  you  may 

'-•e  with  your  skools,  and  then  you've  left  on  'and  the  rcle  ardened 
hout-an-hout  jale-birds,  and  that  sort.  Wen  wunee  you've  got 'em,  you'd 

(  keep  'em,  as  chepe  as  you  can,  and  as  safe  as  you  can,  and  git 
wot  wurk  you  can  out  on  'em,  and  at  hany  rate  make  'em  kcpe  thim- 
sclves.  And  this-  brings  me  to  the  pint  I  promised  to  tucli  upon  in  my 
last,  about  the  compel  ishun  with  free  labur.  Now  wot  I  say  is  this 
'ere— spose  a.  chap's  been  tort  a  trade  and  sticks  to  it,  he  competes  I 
spose  with  others  in  that  ere  trade,  and  nobody  says  nuffin  agin  that. 
But  spose  he  takes  to  priggin,  and  you  ketches  'im,  and  shuts'  'im  up, 
and  sez,  '  Now,  you've  a  trade,  my  man,  and  you  shall  wurk  at  that 
trade  in  quod,  as  you -wouldn't  wurk  at  it  out  o  quod,"  ow  does  that 
there  man  compete  more  wit  h  free  labur  than  he'd  a'  done  if  he'd  a 
bin  an  onest  workman,  and  stuck  to  'is  trade  ?  Woodn't  that  a'  been 
the  best  thing  he  could  a'  done  ?  And  wy  shouldn't  guv'ment  make 
'im  do  the  best  thing  agin  "is  own  will,  if' so  be  he  wont  do  it  'isself? 
Ow  is  fifty  prigs  a  wurkin  at  shoomaking  for  guv'ment,  compel  in  more 
with  free  labur  than  the  same  fifty  shoemakers,  turned  'onest,  and 
wnrkin'  in  a  East-end  'olesalc  shoo-facktory,  under  a  guv'ment  con- 
tract ?  That's  wot  I  wants  to  no,  Mr.  Punch,  and  that's  wot  I've 
axed  Iwver  and  hover  agin,  wen  peple  torks  to  me  abowt  jale-labur 
competin  with  free  labur,  and  it's  a  pint  I  never  coidd  get  no  satisfack- 
sliun  in.  Is  the  navvies  wns  oil',  a  cos  o'  the  prigs  guv'ment  kepes  at 
work  on  the  Portland  brakewater ': 

"  And,  if  so  be,  prigs  must  be  kcp  out  o  mischefe,  and  can  be  made  to 
pay  for  t heir  kepe,  and  guv'ment  has  its  soldiers,  and  its  peelers  and 
its  sailers  to  clothe,  and  find  in  shoes,  and  all  that  'ere,  and  if,  for  them 

i!  used  to  sich  work  as  telorin  and  shoomakin,  there's  carpenters' 
work  to  do  in  prisuns,  and  rivers  to  imbank  and  thames  marshes  to 
drane  and  London  to  sooer,  and  arbors  o'  refuge  to  bild,  and  sich  ;  well 
(hen,  1  say,  .!//•.  Pitnc/t,  use  your  prigs  to  do  it,  and  make  'em  pay  for 
their  bub  and  grub  andlodgin  and  washin,  and  restore  the  walley  o  wot 
I  he;,  've  prigged  into  the  bargin,  and  dont  tretc  cm  all  alike,  mind.  And 
\\cn  there  tune's  up  don't  send  a  feller  naked  out  o'  quod,  into  the 
world  agin,  without  a  rag  of  karacter  to  is  back,  and  is  old  pals  a 
waiiin  fcr  'im  ai  the  jug-door  ;  but  'aye  a  sort  of  a  betwix  and  betwene- 
teri'i,  wen  he  wouldn't  be  quite  a  prisuner,  nor  yet  qwite  a  free  man, 
but  'ud  be  tried  with  a  taste  o'  liberty,  and  a  touch  o'  tcmtation  now 
and  then,  and  ave  some  of  his  own  arums  to  do  as  he  liked  with,  and, 


IS 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[JANUAKY  10,  1857. 


iu  short,  Mr.  Pmtek,'wc  a  sort  o'  bridge  bilded  for  'im  out  o  quod  back  agin  into  'ouesty. 
I've  eerd  from  an  Irish  friend  o'  mine,  wich  he  was  wuiiee  a  prig,  but  is  now  as  onest 
a  man  as  I  am,  as  'ow  MISTER  CHOI-TON,  the  direktor  of  conwicks  in  Ireland  ave  tried  on 
soiucthiiik  like  wot  I've  deskribed,  and  as  'ow  he  finds  it  aiiser,  and  so  I  say  it  will  if 
anythiiik  hever  will,  and  that  you  may  depend  on— 

"  So  no  more  on  this  ere  "  From  yur  umbel  savvunt 


DAUBY." 


A  CHANCE  OP  AN  OLD  MASTER. 

WILL  it  be  believed,  by  anybody  who  docs  not 
happen  to  know,  that  the  following  advert  ise- 
ment  lias  actually  appeared  in  the  leading 
journal  ? 

PAOLO     VERONESE.— An    ORIGINAL    PIC- 
TURE, by  this  great  Artist.  Price  1,000  iruiueas.    Can 

be  seen  at  the  offices  of ,  Trafalgar  Place  East,  Hackuey 

Road,  London. 

Here  is  positively  an  alleged  PAOLO  VERONESE 

going,  as  we  may  say,  a-begging— at  least,  offered 

for  the  mere  song  of  a  thousand  guineas— and 

.  the  authorities  of  the  National  Gallery  do  not 

i  jump  at  it !    Therefore  we  shall  not  be  astonished 

if  the  PAOLO  VERONESE,  so  called,  should  turn 

out  to  be  genuine. 


Rathsr'an  Expensive  Message. 

WILL  the  Submarine  Telegraph  Company  that 
is  about  to  rule  the  waves  all  the  way  from 
England  to  America,  charge  the  President  for 
the  transmission  of  his  Message  nothing  more 
than  the  usual  rate  charged  for  ordinary  mes- 
sages ?  or  will  the  bill  be  made  out  at  so  much 
a  line,  or  so  much  a  column,  or  so  much  a 
story,  or  so  much  a  sheet  ?  The  President 
will  have  to  be  especially  careful  about  what  he 
says  for  the  future,  for  he  will  iind  that  there  is 
nothing  like  a  Telegraph  Office  for  testing  the 
value  of  words !  • 


TICKETS-OF-LEAYE   TO   RIDE. 

THE  new  General  Omnibus  Company  are  issuing  notes  of  their  own, 
which  you  are  to  buy  at  their  office,  and  with  which  you  may  pay  the 
conductor  for  your  ride.  The  chief  utility  of  this  new  currency  will  lie 
in  its  baffling  the  wickedness  of  the  boy  whom'you  send  on  a  message, 
and  who,  if  von  give  him  sixpence  to  expedite  his  journey  by  riding,  of 
course  spends  the  money  in  tarts,  and  tarries  twice  as  long  as  if  you 
had  sent  him  empty-handed.  Several  questions  of  law,  however,  will 
arise  upon  these  notes.  If  the  omnibus  breaks  down,  is  that  to  be 
equivalent  to  a  bank  breaking,  and  must  you  go  to  the  courts  of  Bank- 
ruptcy and  Chancery  to  recover  your  threepence,  or  may  you  instantly 
take  the  conductor  in  execution?  Are  you  entitled  to  discount  if, 
irritated  beyond  bearing  at  the  sluggish  paee  of  some  of  the  Company's 
omnibuses,  you  jump  out  and  take  a  cab?  Is  there  any  law  to 
restrain  the  playfulness  of  the  omnibus  officials,  and  will  the  driver 
be  forbidden  to  inquire  of  the  conductor,  "  What 's  inside,  BILL, 
Bags  or  Browns?"  meaning  to  ascertain  whether  the  travellers. pay 
iu  notes  or  coin.  Can  the  conductor  insist  on  your  stopping  iu  the 
mud,  and  writing  your  name  and  address  on  the  back  ot  your  note? 
How  will  you  ever  convince  old  women,  inside,  that  a  washing-bill, 
or  a  turnpike  ticket,  or  any  other  bit  of  paper  that  they  may  have  in 
their  pockets  is  not  as  good  as  the  Note,  drat  the  feller's  imperence  ? 
But,  finally,  and  this  is  important,  if  two  passengers  wish  to  get  in 
when  there  is  only  room  for  one,  will  not  the  conductor  favour  the 
one  who  proffers  coin,  the  Company  having  already  got  the  other 
party's  money?  Such  are  the  complicated  dangers  of  disturbing 
the  currency ;  and  even  in  the  case  of  an  omnibus,  there  are  wheels 
within  wheels.  __ 

Perfection  of  Hospitality. 

IT  is  now  the  custom,  in  the  best  circles,  when  invitations  are  issued 
for  Juvenile  Parties,  to  enclose,  with  each  note,  a  pretty  little  per- 
fumed packet,  directed  "Mamma."  Nothing  more  is  seen  of  it  untd 
the  day  after  the  party,  when  the  contents  are  exhibited  in  a  little 
syrup  bv  marmalade,  and  the  Family  Apothecary  is  defrauded  of  a  fee. 
All  juvenile-party  givers  should  conform  to  this  practice— evidently  a 
relic  of  the  court  of  Pie-Poudre. 


to  see 


A  Witty  Reply  of  a  London  Manager. 

BEAUTIFUL  lady  called  upon  a  certain  Manager  for  some  tickets 
„  _ee  his  pantomime.  "Excuse  me,  my  dear  Madam,"  smilingly 
replied  our  second  SHERIDAN,  "when  you  reach  home,  you  will  find 
your  wishes  have  been  forestalled''  True  enough— on  her  malachite 
table  there  was  a  managerial  letter,  and  inside  it  Four  Stalls !  Nothing 
could  be  prettier. 


JOHN    CHINAMAN. 

HE  STUBBORN  mule 
old  YE  1 1  was  born, 

The  Foreign  Devils 
he  held  in  scorn  ; 

But  he  still  was  faith- 
ful to  the  plan 

Of  Cliina  for  JOHN 
CHINAMAN. — 

Sing  YEH,  my  deep 
JOHN  CHINAMAN; 

Sing  YEO,  my  'cute 
JOHN  CHINAMAN; 

Let  the  outer  bar- 
barians get  as  they 
can 

The  silk  and tjieteaof 
JOHN  CHINAMAN. 

With  his  long  tail 
twisted  in  many  a 
plait, 

And  his  Mandarin's 
button  upon  his  hat 
The  heart  of  BOWRING  he  did  trepan— 
My  solemn,  smug  JOHN  CHINAMAN  ! 
Sing  YEH,  my  smooth  JOHN  CHINAMAN, 
Sing  YEO,  my  sly  JOHN  CHINAMAN, 
Where  such  honours  are  paid  to  the  lit'rary  man, 
That  SIR  JOHN  wished  himself  born  a  Chinaman ! 

He  puffed  their  language,  he  puffed  their  schools, 
Their  civil-scryice-promotion  rules ; 
He  puffed  their  proverbs  and  their  swampan : — 
Who  so  witty  or  so  wise  as  JOHN  CHINAMAN  ? 

Sing  YEH,  my  proud  JOHN  CHINAMAN, 

Sing  YEO,  mv  prim  JOHN  CHINAMAN, 

Little  fancied  BOWRINO  he'd  be  the  man 

To  bombard  his  friend,  JOHN  CHINAMAN  ! 

Though  the  Government  through  each  place  be  won 
By  competitive  exam-in-a-ti-on, 
Yet  in  the  right  place  he  don't  get  the  right  man, 
Judging  by  the  results  to  JOHN  CHINAMAN. 

Sing  YEH,  my  bullied  JOHN  CHINAMAN, 

Sing  YEO,  my  bombarded  Chinaman  ; 

You'd  better  get  rid,  as  fast  as  you  can, 

Of  COMMISSIONER  YEH,  JOHN  CHINAMAN  ! 


JANUARY  10,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


19 


SPORTS    IN    HIGH     LIFE. 

E  have  heard    of  a  wager  of 
:  six   new  bonnets,    mm1'-    b\ 
LMIY  CAUOLIXK  B.  with  Hie 

DOTVAGER      DUdir.SS      KvAX- 

1,1:1. i  .\i-:C.,  Iliaf  she  would  rim 
away  \vitli  the  Dwarf 

exhibiting  in  Re- 

fent  Street.  -Accordin< 
'.  i  lie  liltle  fellow 
lissiie,'  tVuni  his  usual 
platform  for  a  full  half-hour. 
The  greatest  consternation 
Vd  in  the  neighbour- 
hood. Young  ladies  went 
into  hysterics,  and  tor, 
cambric  pocket-handkerchiefs 
into  pieces.  It  was  cven- 
luallv  ascertained  tiiat  IJ.YDY 
i  VK  1?.,  attired  in  tlic 
breadth  of  the  fashion, 
had  visited  the  Exhibit  ion  that 
day,  and  upon  inquiry,  it  was 
clearly  proved  that  the  Dwarf 
had  been  forcibly  abducted  by 
Her  Ladyship,  without  any 
one  in  the  least  perceiving  the 
embezzlement,  and  afterwards 
shown  to  her  friends  in  her 
magnificent  drawing-room  in 
Belgrave  Square.  How  the  abduction  was  so  quiet  ly  managed  no  one  is  aware ;  but  it  is 
supposed  that  Her  Ladyship  contrived  to  secrete  the  Dwarf  in  one  of  the  folds  of  her 
capacious  costume,  and  succeeded  in  carrying  him  down  to  her  carriage  before  his  absence  was 
observed. 

Precautions  have  been  taken  to  prevent  a  siniilar  catastrophe  occurring  again.  A  female 
searcher  from  the  Custom  House  has  been  stationed  at  the.  door,  and  all  ladies  suspected  of 
smuggling  the  Dwarf  will  have  their  dresses  rigidly  examined  before  they  arc  allowed  to 
leave  the  premises. 


A  RIVAL  TO  SPURGEON. 

A  ,\ht.  (iriNNKs.s  has  been  started  in  Devon- 
shire as  a  rival  to  Mil.  SITIU.KON.  .  His  admirers 
say,  "  he  has  a  voice  quite  as  powerful  as 
M  i;.  8  .''  U  hat  say  the  combatants  in 

Bombastes  Furioso  ? — 

"  So  have  I  heard  on  Afric's  burning  shore, 

A  horrid  liou  give  a  horrid  roar  !  " 
'*  So  have  /  heard  ou  Afric's  burning  shore, 

Another  lion  givo  another  roar  ; 

And  the  first  lion  thought  tho  last  a  bore." 

We  wonder  what    M  u.  Sn  ttffBOS  ihinksof  MR, 


Flippancy  in  a  Tenant. 

Landlord.  Good  morning,  MR.  JONES.  Fine 
day.  Sir.  1  '\e  taken  the  liberty  of  bringing  a 

''or  t  he  quarter's  rent. 

Tenant.  Rent.  O,  ah  !  Due  last  week— you  're 
quick  on  quarter-day,  M  R.  I'.KOWX.  l>\  the  way, 
do  you  know  that  none  of  the  doors  in  this  house 
will  shut  ? 

jjiinllor.il.  New  house,  you  know,  Sir.  Must 
have  time  to  settle. 

'.  And  so  must  I,  MR.  BROWN.    Good 
morning. 

[Exit  Landlord,  unpaid,  but  unconvinced. 


Christinas  at  Esher. 

THE  QUEEN  as  usual  sent  a  magnificent  piece 
of  Christmas  beef  to  the  ex-royal  family  at 
Esher.  Is  PRINCE  JOINVILLE  still  tarrying 
there?  If  so,  with  a  full  recollection  of  his 
gracious  pamphlet  m  which,  upon  paper,  he  had 
invaded  the  Thames,  and  burnt  the  shipping  in 
the  Pool,  lie  might  wash  down  the  royal  beef 
with  the  "  Port  of  London." 


THE   EXCLUSIVE   OF   BICKLEIGII  VALE. 

THE  Bill  for  the  admission  of  the  Jews  into  Parliament,  annually- 
voted  by  the  Commons  and  rejected  by  the  Upper  House,  will,  this 
year,  at  length,  in  all  probability,  be  agreed  to  by  the  Noble  Lords.  If 
otherwise,  their  Lordships'  House  is  not  what  it  is  generally  taken  for. 

There  is,  near  Plymouth,  a  certain  pleasant  valley  which  lias  hitherto 
been  denominated  Bickleigh  Vale,  but  the  name  whereof  is  now  likely 
to  undergo  an  alteration.  Some  propose  to  call  it  Duke's  f  'lace,  for 
a  twofold  reason  ;  namely,  because  it  has  been  engrossed  and  appro- 
priated by  a  person  who,  although  a  mere  baron?.!,  has,  in  that  pro- 
ceeding, assimilated  himself  to  certain  Scotch  Dukes;  and  also  because 
the  baronet  in  question  may  be  regarded  as  one  of  the  Duke's  Place 
aristocracy.  Others  are  of  opimou  that  it  might  be  more  correct  ly 
(ermed  Houndsditch  for  a  reason  of  a  threefold  nature  ;  inasmuch  as 
Houndsditch  and  Duke's  Place  in  London  are  localities  alike  peculiar, 
whilst  the  narrowest  part  of  Bickleigh  Vale  is  actually  guarded  by 
several  ferocious  dogs,  and,  in  the  opinion  of  many,  the  man  that  would 
deprive  his  neighbours  of  their  customary  passage  through  his  domain 
is  justly  denominated  a  hound. 

Now  the  baronet  wiio  has  appropriated  and.  engrossed  Bickleigh 
Vale,  may,  to  render  our  argument  the  clearer,  be  called  SIR  MOSKS 
l.i'.vr.  He  is,  in  fact,  SIR  MOSES  LEVI  as  regards  that  argument. 
SIR  MOSES  has,  according  to  the  Plymouth  Journal,  closed 


In  the  meantime  the  boys  are  shouting  "Old  Close!"  after  SIB, 
MOSES,  with  obvious  reference  to  his  closure  of  Bickleigh  Vale  ;  for 
which  act,  a  Committee,  appointed  to  consider  the  encroachments  of 
SIR  MOSES  on  the  public  rights,  has  reported  that,  by  the  advice  of 
MR.  COLLIER,  Q.  C.,  an  indictment  had  better  be  preferred  against 
SIR  MOSES  LEVI.  It  is  not  at  all  improbable  that  the  inhabitants  of 
Plymouth,  Devottpoxt,  and  Stonehouse  will  subscribe  abundant  funds 
for  the  prosecution  of  SIR  MOSES  for  a  nuisance,  if  that  injury  can 
be  called  a  mere  nuisance  which  consists  in  depriving  the  iidiabitants 
of  three  towns  of  a  large  portion  of  their  "lungs." 


,  , 

Vale  by  protecting  its  entrance  with*  a  locked  gate  and  a  pugilistic 
gamekeeper  ;  besides  the  savage  dogs  abovementioned,  which  he  has 
placed  within  it.  SIR  .MOSES  LEVI,  by  the  account  of  our  Plymouth 
eonlemiiorary,  has  also  closed  several  paths,  called  church-paths,  one 
ol  which  shortens  the  footway  by  two  miles. 

Whet  her  SIR  MOSES  LEVI  has  been  won  over  to  bacon,  or  continues 
to  repudiate  ham-sandwich,  we  do  not  know,     ft  is  pretty  clear  that 
he  is  no  Christian.     Even  if  we  are  to  take  MOSES,  m  Ms  case 
Christian  name,  his  closure  of  Bickleigh  Vide,  and  the  paths  through  i 
his  other  property,  will  plead  irresistibly  for  tho  Jews  in  the  House  of  I 
Lords.     It  will  appear  to  that  exclusive  assembly  a  signal  example  of 
the  kindred  exclusiveness  which  has  been  supposed  to  be  inherent  in 
ish  character.     A  fellow  feeling  will  make  the  majoritv  of 
the  Peers  wondrous  kind  to  (lie  descendants  of  JACOB.     The  Scotch 
Dukes,  in  particular,  wiU  be  zealous  in  proclaiming  t  licit  adhesion  to 
Hebrew  Emancipation.     Should  SIR  MOSKS  Uvi  ever  be  created  a 
leer  ol  the  realm  by  the  title  of  BARON  BicMU.Eicir,  or    KMU.  OF 
HOUNDSDITCH,  the  Dukes  and  all  the  rest  of  the  noble  Lords  will 
receive  him  with  open  arms. 


THE  CANDIDATE  VOR  EARLY  CLOZUN. 

WHEN  I  begun  a  Workman,  I  wun't  zay  in  what  shire. 

Chaps  had  to  woik  vrom  inarn  to  night  all  week  days  droo  the  year, 

Till  I  grow'd  up  a  Master,  the  truth  is  what  you  hear, 

And  I  thinks  it  right  of  a  Vriday  night  to  pay  'em  their  wages  clear. 

What  I  and  my  companions  in  this  here  move  intends. 

Is  to  make  the  workun  men  take  whoam  what  now  in  drink  they  spends, 

Which  leads  to  poverty  and  crime,  the  fruits  o'  gin  and  beer. 

Oh  !    I  thinks  it  right  of  a  Vriday  night  to  pay  'em  their  wages  clear. 

The  Early  Cloznn  Movement  we  also  wants  to  speed, 
And  if  there  was  but  moor  on  us  we  should  very  zoon  succeed, 
To  shut  up  shops  o'  Zaf  unlay  night  the  zoouest  way 's  this  here, 
Zo  I  thinks  it  right  on  a  Vriday  night  to  pay  'em  their  wages  clear. 

I  gies  em  Znturday  evenun  their  leizure  to  enjoy, 

And  moor  than  that  I  ood  a'l'ord  to  all  in  my  employ, 

If  moor  o'  my  feller  Masters  ood  to  what  I  zays  give  car. 

Oh !    I  thinks  it  right  of  a  Vriday  night  to  pay  'em  their  wages  clear. 

Success  to  Early  Clozun,  and  all  enlishtun'd  views, 

And  if  a  representative  you  be  in  doubt  to  choose, 

Choose  him  whose  liberal  principles  does  in  his  acts  appear, 

Oh !    I  thinks  it  right  of  a  Vriday  night  to  pay  'em  their  wages  clear. 


The  Mistletoe  Bough. 

TWENTY  tons  of  mistletoe  were  gathered  in  Gloucestershire  and 
Herefordshire,  and  sent  to  various  markets.  Twenty  tons  of  mistletoe  ! 
Let  us  hope  that  the  supply  of  lips  was  fully  equal  to  the  demand. 


20 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  10,  1857. 


A  BOARD  ON  ITS  BEAM  ENDS. 

THE  local  Board  of  Health  at  Rotherham,  in  the  West, 
Riding,  lias  been  labouring  witli  more  y.rul  than  discretion 
in  their  sanitary  operations,  having  spent  upwards  of 
£40,000,  incurred  debts,  become  insolvent,  and  had  their 
works  seized  by  their  creditors,  on  whose  mere  will  and 
pleasure  now  depends  the  water  supply,  and  nearly  all 
t  he  drainage  of  the  town.  The  venturous  energy  of  the 
board,  as  originally  constituted,  may  be  estimated  from  the- 
following  statement : — 

"  The  execution  of  the  works  was  pressed  on  with  vigour,  and  the- 
Board  required  that  private  property  should  bo  simultaneously 
drained  into  the  public  sewers.  They  were,  indeed,  so  urgent  on 
this  latter  point,  that  they  undertook  to  execute  the  private  drainage 
through  their  own  contractors  for  a  very  small  per-centage  above 
the  actual  cost." 

This  readiness  to  sacrifice  themselves  and  their  own 
contractors  for  the  public  weal  redounds  greatly  to  the 
credit  of  the  Rotherham  Board  of  Health ;  but  how  the 
contractors  relished  the  idea  of  being  made  use  of  as  the 
channels  through  which  the  drainage  was  to  be  accom- 
plished, may  admit  of  doubt.  If  the  contractors  meant 
were  Indian-rubber  tubes,  that  alters  the  mutter,  and  also 
the  marvel  of  their  application  to  the  specified  purpose. 
To  these  remarks  we  would  add  the  suggestion,  that,  if  the 
Rotherham  Board  of  Health  has  been  going  too  fast  with 
the  drainage  of  their  town,  the  error  is  less  culpable  and 
less  common  than  going  too  slow. 


OLD  MR.  WIGGLES  TRIES  HIS  NEW  SEWING  MACHINE,  AND  IINDS  BIS  GARMENTS 
THROW  OUT  BUTTONS  IN  A  VEBY  INDISCRIMINATE  MANNER. 


A  very  111  Weed. 

IT  seems  that  if  you  desire  to  smoke— who  docs  not  ? — 
iu  a  railway  carriage  in  the  north  of  England,  the  only 
answer  vou  need  make  to  remonstrance  is,  "I'm  a. 
Bowton  Bleacher."  Porters,  Guards,  Station  Masters,  and 
all  other  officials  recoil  at  this  announcement.  A  Bolton, 
Bleacher  understands  nothing,  listens  to  nothing,  and 
does  as  he  pleases.  Could  anybody  oblige  us  with  a 
similar  pass-word  for  the  South?  We  think,  in  compliment 
especially  to  LORD  HASTINGS,  of  trying  "I'm  a  Country 
Justice." 


WHO  IS  TO  STAND   IT? 

THE  Times  opened  the  new  year  with  an  eloquent  sermon  on  the 
hollowness  of  outside  show,  witli  a  pathetic  appeal  to  the  latent  love 
of  truth  and  simplicity  lurking,  haply,  in  the  British  bosom.  Let  us— 
cried  our  monitors— no  longer  be  impostors  to  one  another  and  to  our- 
selves. Let  us  appear  in  our  naked  truthfulness,  and  be  not  ashamed! 
Let  not  £500  .per  annum  puff,  and  strain  and  swell  to  seem  as  big  as 
£1000,  and  burst  in  the  endeavour.  Let  us  live  life  as  a  daily  truth, 
and  not  dress  it  up  in  flaunting  fiction.  The  homily,  the  exhortation 
was  very  noble.  Well,  will  the  women  begin  ?  Will  they  reform  their 
milliners'  bills— will  they  collapse  to  something  like  the  tangible 
dimensions  of  "  femininitic  ? "  Seriously,  they  owe  us  something. 
Seeing  that  all  future  milliners  were  even  in  the  pips  of  that  apple, 
seeing  that  when  Adam  first  put  his  teeth  into  that  tremendous  pippin, 
he  let  loose  upon  futurity  clouds  of  milliners— flocks  of  tadors,  flocks 
more  multitudinous  than  flocks  of  northern  wild  gecse-the  women 
ought  to  begin  the  work  of  retrenchment,  and  further  ought  to  subside 
into  the  span  of  a  fair  armfull. 

Yet  how  is  it  with  them  ?  How  is  it  with  the  delicate  creatures  at 
this  present  opening  of  1857  ?  A  woman  is  hooped  with  iron  like  a 
beer-butt ;  being  at  the  same  time  of  thrice  the  circumference.  When 
she  has  not  outer  supplementary  ribs  of  steel,  there  are  the  osseous 
remains  of  leviathan  weltering  m  many  a  rood  of  surrounding  whale- 
bone And  then  to  read  the  monthly  manifesto  issued  to  women— to 
Englishwomen— from  imperial  France ;  and  to  reflect  upon  the  haste, 
the  ardour  with  which  they  hurry  to  obey  the  edict !  We  are  invaded 
by  the  needles  of  French  milliners,  and  again  we  ask,  on  the  part  of 
husbands  and  fathers,— who  is  to  stand  it  ? 

Let  us  glance  at  the  affic/ie  posted  up  in  Vanity  lair  for  January. 
Even  as  the  Chinamen  peruse  the  imperial  edict,  we  read  and  tremble. 
First,  we  are  told  that—"  The  casaque-jupc  is  still  the  most  fashionable 
style."  That  is.  the  process  of  inflation  still  continues,  and  feminine 
balloons  are  still  up  in  the,  world.  We  come  to  shawls,  about  which 
the  daughters  of  EVE— think  of  Eve  at  the  Fountain,  and  EVE,  i 
daughter  of  EVE,  in  a  casaque-jupe,  with  circumvallations  of  steel  anc 
whalebone  about  Paradise— arc  all  of  them  amiably  mad. 

"The/uror  of  the  present  season  is  the  long  double  shawls,  in  stripes  of  bright  cm 
trailing  colours,  with  ttlack  or  gold  larders,  and  deep  fringe  the  colour  of  the  ground. 


Here  is  a  shawl,  or  pall,  to  hide  a  multitude  of  vanities  ;  a  shawl,  hi 
act,  crying  loud,  and  fitly  heralding  a  DALILAII  ;  but  surely  not  a 
>hawl  for  our  own  gentle,  timid  MAKV  ANNE  ;  nevertheless,  MARY 
ANNE  will  do  her  best,  that  she  may  obey  the  manifesto,  and  don  the 
itriDcs 

The  new  tortie  de  bal  is  enough  to  make  even  the  sixpences  shake  in 
he  husband's  pocket. 

"We  cite  one  of  white  cachmerc,  entirely  covered  with  embroidery  of  floss  silk,  in 
China  rose  blue,  and  black,  mixr.d  with  gold  and  iilver—tha  design  and  mixture  ot 
colour  displaying  great  novelty  and  elegance.  A  fringe  of  the  same  colours,  •pMtn 
ounded  this  graceful  cloak,  which  was  made  in  large  plait-. 
escending  iu  points  in  front.  A  small  high  collar,  Dlightlj 

turned  back,  and  fastened  at  the  throat  with  twn  large  gold  liuitms.  from  which  hung- 
two  long  tassels  of  silk  and  gold,  completed  this  elegant  pardcssus." 

Is  not  this  a  sortie  de  bal  for  QUEEN   SIIEBA,  with  the  mines  of  I 
Ophir  for  her  pin-money?    Nevertheless,  MRS.  BKOW.X.  Mus.  JONES,, 
and  MRS.  ROBINSON  will  have  a  good  womanly  struggle  to  achieve 
something  like  a  iortie.    If  the  real  gold  be  not  obtainable,  they  must  j 
try  pinch  beck. 

We  end  with  the  mantle—  a  mantle     trimmed  with  a  rich  medallion  i 
fringe  ;  "  a  mantle  only  to  be  worn  by  CLEOPATRA,  with  a  regal  mono- 
poly of  the  pearl  fisheries. 

Nothing  can  bo  more  distingue*  and  elegant  than  this  embroidery,  which  resem- 

, purple,  sapphire  blue,  or  emerald- 
roidery  used  with  great  effect  on  the 


,  - 

bles rivers  of  pearls  on  the  rich  shades  of  ruby,  purple,  sapphire  blue,  or  emerald- 
green.    We  have  seen  the  same  style  of  emb 


. 
flounces  of  moire  dresses." 

Rivers  of  pearls  !  Mines  of  diamonds  will  doubtless  duly  come  in 
for  the  mantle  of  February.  Again  we  ask—  who  is  to  stand  it  ?  _  Are 
we  never  again  to  see  a  compassablc  woman  in  the  sweet  simplicity  ot 
white  muslin?  A  woman  whose  figure  defies  steel,  and  who  makes  no 
whalebones  of  herself  ? 


Tewkesbury  and  Glasgow. 

MR.  HUMPHREY  BROWN  is  about  to  vacate  Tewkesbury.  When 
may  Glasgow  count  upon  the  same  favour  at  the  hands  of  MR.  MAC- 
GREGOR?  Or  is  it  that  Scotland  is  so  fond  of  the  term  "British"  m 
preference  to  "English,"  that  even  a  dirty  tumble  on  a  British  Bank 
makes  a  Glasgow  member  all  the  sweeter  for  his  seat  ? 


Printed  by  Willi.m  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Wooum  Place,  »nd  Frederic*  Mullet.  Eram,  of  No  VI,  Queen's  Ko-iJ  West,  »Wj'  I'"rk;,  *°^ 
Printer.,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  Ihe  Precinct  of  Whitemars,  m  tue  City  ot  Lonuon,.  an  I  Published  by  thun  »t  Wo.  80, 
London.— SATV.BDAI,  January  10, 1857 


he  Parish  of  St.  Pancra«,  in  fie  County  tf  Miilloei. 
;et  Street,  ia  t^e  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  iu  tha  City  oi 


JANUARY  17,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHATUVARI. 


21 


A  TRIUMPH  OF  ART. 

ALL  our  special  Correspondents  and  Russian 
travellers  inform  us  that  the  Neva  is  frozen  over. 
Now  we  beg  to  state  that  it  is  no  such  thing. 
We  have  just  returned  from  the  Leicester 
Square  Panorama,  and,  with  our  impressions  ol 
St.  Petersburg  still  fresh  upon  us,  can  con- 
fidently assert  that  the  Neva  is  flowing  just  as 
llmpidly  as  ever.  We  appeal  to  ME..  BURFORD 
if  such  is  not  the  fact.  It  is  true  that  JACK 
FROST,  deceived  by  the  natural  appearance  of  the 
water,  did  try  his  hardest  to  freeze  it,  but  was 
driven  back  by  so  determined  a  repulse  that 
doubtlessly  for  the  future  he  will  keep  Ins  fingers 
from  pinching  what  is  evidently  beyond  the  pale 
(the  ice-pail,  of  course)  of  his  authority. 


DISMAY  OF  TOOTLES  AT  HEARING  A  STRANGER  COMMENCE  "  THE  STANDARD  BEARER  "—A 
SONG  WHICH  HE'(TOOTLES)  HAS  BEEN  PRACTISING  FOR  MONTHS,  WITH  THE  VlEW  OF  CREATING 
A  SENSATION  AT  MRS.  BLOWER'S  MUSICAL  EVENING. — UNFORTUNATELY,  TOO,  FOR  TOOTLES, 
"THE  STANDARD  BEARER"  is  HIS  OXLY  SONG! 


A  HINT  FOR  YOUNG  MOTHERS. 

"  MR.  PUNCH,  —  Allow  me,  Sir,  to  suggest, 
through  your    columns,   a  great    improvement 
upon  babies'  caps.    When,  in  our  second  child- 
hood, we  wear  wigs,  if  we  want  them,  why  should 
not  the  same  head-dress  be  adopted  for  early 
infancy  ?    It  seems  to  me  that  a  baby  in  a  wi; 
would  exhibit  a  diverting  spectacle,  calculate! 
to  allay  maternal  anxiety,   and  exhilarate  the 
generally  serious  and  often  gloomy  paterfamilias. 
But  then,  to  be  sure,  I  am  only 

<!AN  OLD  FOGY. 

"  P.S.  Powder  is  used  about  babies,  I  rather 
think — Eh  ?  Wouldn't  it  be  a  handy  and  orna- 
mental addition  to  the  wig  ?  " 


A  BuEAB-AND-BuTTER  TRUISM.— A  Boarding 
School  Miss  is  only  a  Butterfly  in  a  state  oi 
Grub.— Byron. 


SHOP-HUNTING    INTELLIGENCE. 

THE  sport  of  shop-hunting  is  now  so  extensively  pursued  by  our  fair 
countryw9inen,  and  occupies  so  large  a  share  of  female  thought  and 
conversation,  that  we  are  annually  more  and  more  surprised  to  find  no 
notice  taken  of  it_  publicly  in  print.  Year  after  year,  as  the  season  for 
shop-hunting  again  approaches,  we  regularly  ransack  our  sporting  con- 
temporaries m  the  hope  of  finding  promises  to  devote  a  weekly  corner 
to  the  records  of  the  sport.  But  editors,  like  men  in  general  seem 
strangely  selfish  creatures;  and  although  we  find  them  furnishing  no 
end  of  information  on  all  the  subjects  which  have  interest  to  themselves 
and  sportsmen  generally  we  never  see  them  print  a  single  syllable  of 
news  by  means  of  which  our  sportswomen  can  anyhow  be  benefited. 
1  hrougn  the  medium  of  his  Bell  every  fox-hunter  and  grouse-shooter  may 
acquaint  himself  beforehand  with  the  prospects  of  the  season  and 
know  exactly  where  the  best  sport  is  likely  to  be  had.  But  the  shop- 
hunter  has  no  such  easy  means  of  reference,  and  can  only  gain  her 
information  by  her  own  eyes  and  ears,  and  by  those  of  her  immediate 
acquaintances  and  friends.  Indeed,  considering  the  number  of  ladies 
who  are  addicted  to  the  sport,  and  who  would  be  certain  to  become 
constant  readers  (paying  their  subscription  of  course  out  of  the  house- 
keeping, under  the  unfathomable  head  of  "sundries"),  we  think  if 
any  one  would  only  start  a  female  sporting  paper,  it  would  be  pretty 
sure  at  once  to  have  a  fair  circulation. 

We  would  suggest  for  its  title  either  Belle's  Life,  or  the  Shera  in 

itmction  to  that  print  which  is  sometimes  called  the  Hera.     In  the 

cantime  we  shall  endeavour,  as  we  always  do,  to  supply  the  want 

selves;   and  for  the  convenience  of  the  shop-hunting  sorority  we 

hereby  pledge  ourselves,  with  that  benevolence  which  invariably  has 

c-haraeterised  us,  to  devote  to  them  an  inch  or  two  of  "valuable  space" 

whenever  it  so  happens  that  we  cannot  better  fill  it 

Although  the  sport  is  followed  with  more  or  less  avidity  the  whole 
year  round  the  shop-hunting  season  maybe  said  in  London  to  com- 
mence at  the  close  of  the  sea-side  one.  Every  materfamilias  on  her 
return  from  Margate  is  pretty  certain  to  discover  that  she  wants 
a  hundred  things  for  her  wardrobe,  and  her  family's;  and  until  the 
hundred  tilings  are  bought  her  only  aim  in  life  is  to  get  them  "bar- 
gains i?or  tins  she  arranges  a  meet  at  a  friend's  house  (for  the 
lop-hunters  usually  hunt  in  couples),  and  proceeds  with  her  to  hunt 
through  half,  the  drapers'  shops  in  London,  until  she  manages  to  hunt 
up  what  she  is  in  want  of. 
la  the  ardour  of  the  sport  the  shop-hunter  is  rarely  affected  by 


fatigue,  and  after  spending  half  the  day  in  beating  down  Regent 
Street,  will  often  "  try  back  "  to  Bloomsbury  or  Holborn,  unless  the  cry 
So  lip ! "  divert  her  course  in  that  direction.  Nor  is  she  particular  in 
confining  her  pursuit  to  any  special  9bject :  any  more  than  is  the 
Cockney  who  prepares  to  go  out  partridge-shooting,  and  then  bangs 
away  at  krks.  The  chace  professedly  of  a  bit  of  ribbon  often  leads  to  an 
exciting  run  after  a  new  dress :  and  it  is  no  uncommon  thing,  when  she 
goes  out  on  a  boa-hunt,  for  the  shop-hunter  to  come  home  exceedingly 
elated,  at  having  succeeded  in  bagging  a  "perfect  duck"  of  a  new 
bonnet. 

PUNCH'S  POT-POURRI  POUR  RIRE. 

No  woman  is  a  beauty  to  her  femme-de-cliambre. 

A  Lawyer's  carriage  is  only  a  legal  conveyance— and  it  is  the  client,  as  often  as  it 
, stops  at  his  door,  who  pays  for  the  drawing  up  of  it. 

Most  Golden  Calves,  when  thrown  into  the  crucible  of  Time,  turn  out  no  better 
than  Pigs  of  Lead ! 

Life  is  a  Romance,  of  which  a  Coquette  never  tires  of  turning  over  a  new  leaf 

Mock  no  man  for  his  snub-nose,  for  you  never  can  tell  what  may  turn  up. 

A  character,  like  a  kettle,  once  mended,  always  wants  mending. 

Be  kind  even  in  your  reproofs,  and  reserve  them  till  the  morning.  No  one  can 
sleep  well  who  goes  to  bed  with  a  flea  in  his  ear 

The 


never  hear  the  last  of  it. 

It  is  wrong  to  judge  men  by  trifles.     The  man,  yesterday,  who  kept  the  dinner 
waiting  half-an-hour,  keeps  his  mother-in-law  ! 


Things  that  it's  Better  to  Do. 

IT  '«  better  to  brew  beer  than  mischief— to  be  smitten  with  a  young 
lady  than  with  the  rheumatism— to  fall  into  a  fortune  than  into  the 
sea— to  be  pitied  with  a  mother-in-law  than  the  small-pox— to  cut  a 
tooth  than  a  friend— to  stand  a  dinner  than  an  insult— to  shoot  par- 
tridges instead  of  the  moon— to  have  the  drawing  of  an  artist  instead 
of  a  blister,  and  to  nurse  the  baby  at  any  time  in  preference  to  your 
anger ! ! ! 

SMITH  O'BRIEN  ON  THE  WAR. 

MR.  SMITH  O'BRIEN  has  written  a  long  letter  on  the  war.  With  a 
rail  recollection  of  his  own  exploits,  he  should  hardly  have  written  on 
such  a  subject,  unless,  indeed,  he  had  written  upon  cabbage-leaves 


VOL.   XXXII. 


22 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  17,  1857. 


THE    DYSPEPTIC    OF    THE    HOME    OFFICE. 


MUCH  concern  and  anxiety  are  felt  in  many  quarters  touching  flic 
health  of  SIR  GEORGE  GREY.  Not  that  the  HOME  SECRETARY  has 
been  understood  to  complain  of  anything ;  but  very  great  complaint  is 
made  of  the  HOME  SECRETARY.  SIR  GEORGE  GREY  discharges  the 
duties  of  his  office  in  such  a  manner  as  to  cause  the  supposition  that 
his  digestive  organs  are  out  of  order.  Some  men  are  marble  before 
dinner  ;  wax  afterwards :  inexorable  with  an  empty  stomach ;  incapable 
of  saying  No  when  that  organ  is  distended.  Such  men  are  dyspeptic 
subjects,  and  SIR  GEORGE  GREY  exhibits  evident  signs  of  dyspepsia. 
One  day,  lie  turns  a  confirmed  ruffian  loose  on  society,  or  reprieves  an 
unnatural  murderess ;  on  another,  lie  hangs  a  boy  of  eighteen :  for  am 
facie  per  CALCRAiT/awV  per  se.  At  one  time  he  is  DRACO  ;  at  another 
BECCARIA,  or  even  a  mawkish  sentimentalist.  The  HOME  SECRETARY  i 
last  exhibition  of  that  eccentricity  which  no  doubt  results  from  derange 
ment  of  the  chylopoietic  viscera,  consisted  in  performing  a  frightfully 
imperfect  act  of  justice  under  the  ridiculous  denomination  of  an  act  of 
mercy.  He  procures  the  QUEEN'S  pardon  for  the  poor  fellow  MARK- 
HAM,  convicted  of  forgery,  and  condemned  to  penal  servitude  by  reason 
of  mistaken  identity. 

In  the  meantime  MAB.KHAM  has  been  ruined  and  his  wile  and 
children  have  been  well  nigh  starved.  Si R  GEORGE  GREY  would  seem  to 
think  that  the  QUEEN'S  pardon  will  sufficiently  compensate  MARKHAM 
for  the  horrible  misery  and  affliction  to  which  he  and  his  have  been 
subjected  by  the  blunder  of  one  of  the  QUEEN'S  assize-courts.  This  is 
one  of  those  hallucinations  which  often  attend  disorder  of  the  liver  in 
particular.  It  is  usually  removable  by  blue-pill :  of  which  preparation 
SIR  GEORGE  GREY  had  better  take  some.  He  will  then,  perhaps,  see 
the  case  of  MARKHAM  in  its  right  light,  and  perceive  that  it  is  one  of 
the  most  atrocious  injustice  and  cruelty.  Regarding  it  in  this  point  of 
view,  the  idea  will  possibly  occur  to  him  that  it  would  be  desirable 
to  procure  for  the  grievously  wronged  MARKHAM  some  amends  rather 
more  satisfactory  than  the  QUEEN'S  pardon  for  having  done  nothing, 
and  having  been  punished  for  looking  like  somebody  else.  In  addition 
to  the  QUEEN'S  pardon,  perhaps  he  will  procure  something  like  an 
indemnification  in  the  shape  of  a  decent  amount  of  the  QUEEN'S  com. 


THE  SONG  OF  THE  TICKET-OF-LEAVE  MAN, 

As  received  with  boundless  applause  by  the  Harmonic  Home-breakers,  at 
the  Thieves'  Kitchen  Chaunting  CM,  Ruffian's  Rents. 

Am — "  0,  'tis  I'm  a.  Gipsy  King  I " 

O,  'Tis  I  has  a  ticket  9'  leave, 

And  where  is  the  prig  more  free  ? 
I'm  at  liberty  now  to  thieve, 

And  the  crushers  can't  meddle  with  me. 
Tho'  my  sentence  were  Fourteen  Year, 

Scarce  a  couple  in  quod  I  had  bin, 
When  the  Chapling  ses  he,  there 's  no  fear 

Of  the  penitent  siiuiin'  agin. 

So  the.r  guv  me  a  ticket  o'  leave,  ha !  ha ! 
Yes,  pals,  I'd  a  ticket  o'  leave. 

The  dodge  on  it  's  simple  enough, 
If  you  'vc  got  a  good  mem-o-ry, 
And  'D  larn  a  few  eollecks  and  stuff, 

Yer  '11  he  let  oil'  as  heasy  as  me. 
Jist  turn  up  the  whites  of  your  eyes, 

Give  a  sanctified  twist  to  your  mug, 
And  the  J'arsin  vith  texts  if  you  plies, 
He  '11  soon  make  you  free  of  the  jug. 

For  he  '11  git  yer  a  tickit  o'  leave,  ha !  ha  ! 
(Spoken)   Yes,  he  '11  say  as  how  for  your  good  conduck, 
(Sings.}  You're  desarviu'  a  ticket  o'  leave ! 

So,  pals,  here  you  '11  find  as  I  'm  fly, 

For  tlic  lay  as  Ml  best  stand  the  shot, 
Crib-cracking,  or  faking  the  cly, 

Or  tipping  a  tasie  o'  garotte. 
But  ere  teavin'  this  here  festive  scene, 

For  a  toast  your  attention  I  'd  claim, 
'Ere 's  a  'ealth  to  them  Chaplings  so  green, 

Aud  success  to  our  gammonin'  game  ! 

Which  it  wins  us  our  tickets  o'  leave,  ha !  ha ! 
Yes,  it  gits  us  our  tickets  o'  leave  ! 


The  Bonnet   of  the  Season. 

THE  Follet  for  January  announces  as  much  in  favour—"  The  Marie 
Antoinette  Bonnet."  We  presume  this  is  a  bonnet  to  be  worn  when 
the  lady  has  entirely  lost  her  head. 

A  TICKET-OF-LEAVE-  MAN'S  TOLERATION.— Let  us  all  leani  to  respect 
each  other's  convictions. 


TOBACCO-STOPPERS. 

THE  fact  that  nothing  so  much  weakens  an  argument  as  exaggeration 
seems  to  have  been  overlooked  completely  by  the  speakers  at  a  recent 
public  meeting,  where,  according  to  the  Daily  News  .— 

"The  baffled  efforts  of  the  various  institutions  which  have  for  their  object  the 
elevation  of  the  masses  were  traced  to  the  prevalence  of  the  habit  of  smoking;  and 
it  was  contended  that  all  the  efforts  wliich  philanthropists  can  devise  u  mnot  by  any 
possibility  stem  the  current  of  drunkenness,  crime,  and  Sabbath  desecration  which 
everywhere  abounds,  while  the  people  of  this  country  spend  £8,000,000  a-year  fo 
tobacco. " 

"  Drunkenness,  crime,  and  Sabbath  desecration ! "  This  is  rather  a 
whole-hog  seqvitur  to  the  use  of  pigtail  We  should  think  the  oral  oi-s 
must  have  studied  the  Rejected  Addresses,  and  taken  their  hue  ot 
argument  from  the  lines — 

"  Who  makes  the  quartern  loaf  and  Luddites  rise  ? 
"  Who  fills  the  butchers'  shops  with  large  bluo  flies  ? 

According  to  such  reasoners,  every  social  evil  is  a  branch  from  the 
pipe  stem:  and  we  may  next  expect  to  hear  that  the  dirty  state  ot  the 
Thames  has  been  traced  to  the  filthy  habit  of  tobacco-smoking,  as  well, 
very  likely,  as  the  double  Income-Tax.  . 

At  the  same  meeting,  too,  a  letter  was  produced  from  a  certain  UR. 
HODGKIN,  who  stated  his  opinion  that  :— 

"  The  use  of  tobacco  is  a  violation  of  the  courtesy  of  a  Christian,  and  the  gooc 
manners  of  a  gentleman.  Let  it  be  stigmatised  as  a  vice,  and  placed,  as  it  ought  to 
be,  under  the  observation  of  the  police." 

DR.  HODGKIN'S  blow  reminds  us  of  KING  JAMES'S  Counterblctst:  anc 
indeed  we  can  imagine  that  had  policemen  been  invented  m  KING 
JAMES'S  time,  that  sapient  monarch  would  have  used  them  to  put  his 
subjects'  pipes  out.  But  wo  apprehend  that  now-a-days  wore  a  MAYNE 
law  introduced  at  Scotland  Yard  to  the  effect  suggested,  it  would  be  a 
puzzle  to  SIR  RICHARD  to  prevent  its  being  a  dead  letter.  Indeed  we 
doubt  if  there  be  any  one  policeman  in  the  force  who  would  submit  to 
be  made  a  Tobacco-stopper. 

We  have  every  wish  to  commend  any  attempt  that  may  be  made 
purify  the  moral  atmosphere  of  the  country,  but  we  do  not  think  that 


There  are  oilier  ciouas  wiucn  aaraen  a  j»c  u.\nu  ^^?  *- 

meerschaum;  and  we  regret  that  Dit.  HODGKIN,  and  his  co-Iobacco 
stoppers,  should  not  show  their  zeal  in  clearing  these  away,  instead  o 
wasting  it  on  that  which  they  seem  now  so  smoldng  hot  against. 


JANUARY  17,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


23 


THE  SERVANT'S  WARNING. 

I  AM  married  to  a  wretch  who  beats  and  kicks  me  like  a  brute, 
So  that  I  'in  all  over  bruises  on  my  skin  from  head  to  foot. 
Both  my  eyes  is  black,  you  see,  my  nose  is  flattened  to  my  face. 
Oh,  that  I  was  still  a  servant,  and  had  never  left  my  place ! 

There  I  used  to  have  my  wittles  rcg'lar,  vegetables,  meat, 
Bread-and-butter,  bread-and-chcese,  as  much  as  ever  1  could  eat. 
Tea,  and  toast,  and  milk,  and  sugar,  plenty  ;  lots  of  table-beer; 
What  besides  can  any  woman  want  ?    What  fools  we  are,  oh  dear ! 

Now  I'm  that  reduced  by  want  my  bones  is  nearly  through  my  skin, 
'Cause  my  drunken  husband  spends  my  due  maintainance  on  his  gm. 
Then,  wherein,  if  I  was  minded,  I  might  feed  until  I  bust, 
Now  my  meals  is  many  a  day  a  drop  of  water  and  a  crust. 

Makin'  beds  and  washin'  tea-things,  plates,   and  dishes,  then  I 

thought 

Overwork  and  too  hard  labour;  more  to  do  than  servants  Bought. 
Which  I  often  of  my  Missus  used  to  grumble  and  complain, 
Now  1  sees  how  much  more  wiser  'twou'd  have  been  for  to  remain. 

Harder  my  oncertain  livin'  now  I  finds  it  is  to  earn 
By  my  washin'  and  a  manule,  often  nobody  to  turn. 
Then  a  little  extra  cookin'  slavery  I  used  to  call  ; 
Now  I  slaves  and  glad  enough  of  anythink  to  cook  at  all. 

How  much  trouble  then  I  thought  it  sometimes  bavin'  to  attend 
To  the  children,  such  as  dress  'em,  or  put  011  their  things,  or 

mend ! 

Little  did  I  think  to  be  with  half-a-dozen  of  my  own, 
Not  a  mortial  soul  to  help  me,  doin  for  'em  all  alone. 


What  a  stupe  I  was  to  listen  to  a  suitior's  flatterin'  tales ! 


By  my  fate  all  maids  take  warnin',  which  I  mean  don't  warnin'  give, 
In  a  hurry  for  to  marry,  comfortable  where  you  live, 
Far  the  wust_of  all  bed-makin'— now  you  mark  the  words  I  say — 
Is  the  sort  of  bed  that  I  made,  and  on  which  I've  got  to  lay. 


A    MINISTER'S    LECTURE. 

LADIES  AND  GENTLEMEN, 

I  'M  sure  you  're  all  bricks,  regular  bricks,  I  may  say,  and  I 
can  see  it  in  your  good-looking  faces.  So  here  goes,  without  further 
palaver,  or  what  MR.  BOB  LOWE  tells  me  they  call  in  Australia,  yabber- 
yabber.  You  want  to  know  something  about  Russia  ?  Very  good, 
I  'm  the  boy  to  tell  it  you.  But  what  the  deuce  do  you  want  to  know 
about  Russia  ?  That 's  the  point.  If  it 's  much,  you  won't  get  it  from 
me ;  for  I  ask  you,  in  the  name  of  all  that 's  reasonable,  how  could  I 
learn  much  about  it  ?  You  shall  have  all  I  know,  and  that 's  the  best 
I  can  do  for  you.  Is  it  a  bargain,  or  will  you  sky  a  copper  whether  I 
shall  go  on  or  shut  up  ?  I  'm  to  go  on  ?  Then,  on  we  goes,  and  OLD 
NICK  take  the  hindmost. 

I  went  to  Russia  with  LORD  GRANVILLE,  and  a  very  good  fellow  he 
is.  I  was  sent  because  it  was  wished  that  members  of  the  highest 
classes  only  should  appear  at  Moscow  as  the  representatives  of  this 
country.  Well,  you  know,  we  spent  a  lot  of  tin,  and  astonished  the 
natives  a  little,  I  flatter  myself.  But,  Lord  bless  you,  call  Russia  a 
country !  That  old  humbug,  NAPIER,  ought  to  have  cut  her  up,  root 
and  branch,  smashed  her  tee-totally ;  yes,  I  assure  you,  if  he  had 
done  his  duty,  he  would  utterly  have  flabberghasted  her.  Bless 
my  soul,  a  country !  Why,  I  've  seen  a  good  many  countries, 
and  ought  to  know  something  about  foreign  affairs,  but  the  likes 
of  Russia  I  never  did  see.  What  do  you  think?  Their  language 
is  so  ridiculous  that  all  decent  people  are  ashamed  of  it,  and  talk 
Trench  instead.  What 's  a  nation  without  a  language  ?  Ought  she  to 
have  a  voice  in  the  European  family  ?  Blow  me  tight,  if  she  ought. 
What  do  you  say  ?  Well  then,  again,  look  at  her  capital,  St.  Peters- 
burg. It  may  well  be  called  a  capital,  for  there's  precious  little 
interest  about  it.  Ah  !  you  don't  see  that  joke  ?  Never  mind,  you  '11 
see  the  next.  St.  Petersburg  stands  on  the  Neva,  and  I  nee\er  did  see 
such  a  place.  Is.that  better  ?  Bravo !  On  we  goes  again. 

I  am  bound  to  say  that  I  have  seldom  beheld  such  a  lot  of  Guys  as 
came  to  the  coronation  with  us.  Guys  of  all  nations.  From  France, 
now,  came  COUNT  DE  MORJJY  ;  you  know  what  they  say  about  him,  and 
whose  relative  he  is,  but  that's  neither  here  nor  there.  A  downy  old 
bird,  1  can  toll  you,  and  knows  how  to  feather  his  nest.  He  brought  a 
lot  of  pictures  witli  him,  and  as  the  Russians  like  the  reputation  of 
vertu,  and  know  as  much  of  art  as  a  cow  knows  of  a  pair  of  candle- 
snuffers,  1  '11  take  odds  that  our  friend  DE  MORNY  drove  his  pigments 
to  a  line  market.  Then  there  was  ESTERHAZY,  but  he's  a  good  chap 
—  my  Ministry  is  on  good  terms  with  his  government  just  now— which 
fully  accounts  for  the  milk  in  the  cocoa-nut.  'I  he  Sardinian  cove  was 
also  all  right,  for  the  same  reason.  But  as  for  the  fellow  from  Belgium, 
you  never  in  all  your  blessed  life  saw  such  a  perverted  hippopotamus. 
He  was  too  proud  to  look  down  when  he  sneezed,  for  fear  of  seeing  his 
shoes.  And  a  lot  of  others,  all  highly  ridiculous.  There  was  a  Turk, 
too,  and  though  he  was  a  very  picturesque  looking  individual,  it  was 
impossible  for  a  profound  thinker  to  look  at  that  man's  toggery,  and 


not  feel  that  the  nation  he  represented  must  have  lost  her  place  in  the 
scale  of  nations  and  be  on  the  high-road  to  tarnation  smash. 

As  for  Russian  living,  my  dearly  beloved  bricks,  I  don't  know  what  I 

can  say  to  you.    We  had  French  cookery,  of  course,  and  all  I  know 

about  what  the  common  Russians   eat  is,  that  it  is  very  beastly. 

Travelling  is  great  fun  in  Russia,  because  they  take  anybody's  horses, 

stick  anybody  on  for  a  postilion,  and   kill  him  if  he  don't  go  fast 

enough  for  your  liking.    I  never  enjoyed  .travelling  so  much  in  all  my 

life.    You  may  like  to  know  something  about  the  constitution  of  Russia 

— well,  she  hasn't  got  one.    The  Emperor  makes  the  laws,  and  the 

!  people  are  well  licked  if  they  don't  obey  them.    What  the  laws  are,  I 

j  don't  pretend  to  know,  but  1  should  say  they  were  rum  ones,  judging 

'  from  the  look  of  the  people.    As  for  their  religion,  I  fear  they  have 

none  in  the  sense  in  which  you  and  I  have  it,  but  they  are  always 

knocking  their  nobs  on  the  pavement  in  honour  of  some  saint  or 

another,  and  they  burn  lamps  before  the  images,  and  some  sacrilegious 

rascals  are  wicked  enough  to  drink  the  oil  when  no  one  is  looking. 

j  Those  are  the  principal  doctrines  of  their  faith,  into  which,  of  course, 

I  made  it  my  business  to  inquire  very  closely,  for  I  think  that  unless  a 

chap  is  religious  it  is  all  dickey  with  him. 

Well,  I  don't  know  that  I  have  much  more  to  say.  I  bought  a  lot 
of  turquoises  over  there.  Don 't  think  I  'm  touting  to  sell  any  of  them 
to  you ;  quite  the  reverse ;  I  'ye  left  them  in  London.  As  for  taking 
out  articles  to  Russia  to  sell,  like  DE  MORNY,  I  wouldn't  be  guilty  of 
such  a  meanness,  making  myself  a  mere  commercial  gent.  By  the  way, 
that  thundering  old  humbug  NAPIER  called  GRAND  DUKE  CONSTAN- 
TINE  a  frank  and  open-hearted  sailor.  Soft  sawder.  The  DUKE  's  as 
artful  a  card  as  you  '11  meet,  and  thinks  more  of  francs  than  frankness. 
But  NAPIER  is  an  awful  old  humbug.  I  assure  you,  once  more,  that 
if  he  had  chosen,  he  could  have  taken  Cronstadt  as  easily  as  I  take  this 
pinch  of  snuff.  He  wanted  no  gun-boats,  nor  men,  nor  nothing,  except 
one  thing,  and  that  was  pluck.  I  looked  at  the  place  myself,  and  I 
know  all  about  it.  He  might  have  taken  it  with  six  ships  only,  as 
ADMIRAL  VERNON  took  Portobello,  near  Edinburgh. 

I  suppose  I  had  better  shut  up,  and  I  am  much  obliged  for  your 
attention,  and  I  hope  I  have  entertained  as  well  as  instructed  you.  It 
is  the  wisli  of  my  Ministry,  I  mean  LORD  PALMERSTON'S,  that  we 
should  be  as  affable  as  possible,  and  that  we  should  do  all  in  our  power 
to  remove  the  conviction  that  he  is  the  only  Minister,  and  we  are  all 
puppets.  I  assure  you,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  that  we  are  nothing  of 
the  kind,  and  I  trust  that  the  moral  effect  of  my  lecture  to-night  will 
be  considerable.  I  will  now,  with  your  polite  permission,  hook  it. 
Au  reservoir  ! 

Fun  at  St.  Barnabas'. 

A  TERRIBLE  wag  of  a  Puseyite  indulges  in  the  following  mild  bit  of 
Cliristmas  facetioushess.  He  says  that  "  The  foot  of  St.  Peter's  at 
Rome,  is  the  most  perfect  illustration  of  mistletoe  in  the  world,  for 
one  of  the  saintly  toes  has  been  so  regularly  kissed  away  that  it  has 
mizzled  in  toto." 


24 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  17,  1857. 


A    MAN    OF    SOME    CONSEQUENCE. 

Elder  Sister.  "  WHY,  GEORGE  !    NOT  DKESSED  !    PEAT  ARE  you  NOT  GOING  WITH  THE  OTHER  CHILDREN  ? 
George.  "H'M!— I  SHOULD  BATHER  FANCY  NOT.— You  DON'T  CATCH  ME  GOING  OUT  OF  AN  EVENING  JUST  TO  FURNISH  PEOPLE'S 
BOOMS.    WHERE  I  GO— I  DINE ! " 


THE  SIEGE  OF  GBEENWICH. 

THE  subjoined  despatches  have  been  received  from  LIEUT.-GENERAL 
TOMNODDINGTON.  They  will,  no  doubt,  be  read  with  considerable 
interest. 

"  MY  LORD,  "  Greenwich,  Lecture  Hall,  Jan.  7. 

"  I  TOOK  up  my  position  here  last  night,  having  made  very 
easy  approaches  to  the  town,  in  no  way  harassed  by  the  enemy,  who, 
I  am  bound  to  say,  has  hitherto  behaved  with  the  greatest  courtesy, 
inasmuch  as  he  lias  scarcely  shown  himself.  His  position  does  not 
appear  very  strong.  He  has  worked  at  certain  zig-zags,  but  hitherto 
has  made  no  attempt  to  shell-out.  It  is  my  conviction  that  his  total 
inability  to  effect  this  operation  will  cause  him  very  soon  to  evacuate 
the  place  witli  his  cab  behind  him. 

"  My  position  commands  the  Hospital,  which  I  can  attack  either  by 
a  flank-movement  or  by  scaling  the  principal  staircase.  I  have  made  a 
reconnaissance  at  QUATRBMAIN'S  (the  striking  similarity  to  Quatrebras 
would  be  thought  of  goodly  omen  by  a  Roman  soldier),  and  found  the 
position  excellent.  1  held  it  with  my  staff  for  more  than  four  hours, 
and  then  retired  under  rather  a  heavy  fire  of  grape,  in  excellent  order. 
The  Whitebait  Battery  will  tie  unmasked  to-morrow,  and  I  expect 
when  duly  served,  will  play  with  considerable  effect  upon  the  wavering 
disposition  of  the  burgesses. 

"  In  the  course  of  another  week,  I  trust  to  be  able  to  have  at  least 
one  other  movement  to  report  to  you.  Tor  it  is  my  unalterable  reso- 
lution, in  admiring  imitation  of  a  siege  so  recently  brought  to  so 
glorious  a  termination,  to  do  nothing  in  a  hurry.  As  the  parliamentary 
forces  will  not  be  disbanded  before  July,  I  have  all  the  Spring  and  the 
Summer  before  me  to  conduct  the  siege,  with  the  mingled  leisure  of  an 
officer  and  a  gentleman. 

"  I  regret  to  say.  that  I  have  been  compelled  to  put  the  young  EARL 
OF  BULLSEYES  under  arrest,  for  having  withdrawn  himself  aboard  his 
yacht,  the  Saucy  Sue,  during  a  very  heavy  canvas.  He  originally 


pleaded  a  sore  throat,  but  there  is  evidence  of  his  having  sung 
*  ViUikins  and  Mi  Dinah '  in  the  fullest  possession,  such  as  they  are, 
of  all  his  faculties. 

"  I  have  the  honour  to  remain, 
"  Your  obedient  servant, 

"  TOMNODDINGTON,  Lieut.-Gen. 

"  P.S.  Do  you  think  you  could  enlist  any  of  the  Punch  fellows  ?  We 
are  much  in  want  of  material  for  a  few  telling  broadsides.  Those  chaps 
will  do  anything  for  money.  Pick  us  up  a  few." 


PRO-SLAVERY  POSTULATES. 

AT  a  numerously  attended  meeting  of  Slave-owners  lately  held  at 
Cowhideville,  South  Carolina,  the  following  resolution  was  proposed 
by  BISHOP  DOLLARS,  and  haying  been  seconded  by  the  REV.  EBENEZER 
B.  STUMP,  was  carried  unanimously : — 

"  Resolved,  that,  in  the  opinion  of  this  meeting,  all  religion  is  all  nonsense." 

JUDGE  SIXSHOT,  seconded  by  PROFESSOR  BOGUS,  then  proposed  the 
further  resolution : — 

"  Resolved,  that  this  meeting  is  of  opinion,  that  all  morality  is  all  humbug." 

This  resolution  having  also  been  carried  by  acclamation,  COLONEL 
STRIPES  proposed  the  ensuing : — 

"  Resolved,  that  it  is  the  conviction  of  this  meeting  that  slavery  is  the  one  thing 
needful" 

It  was  seconded  by  MR.  BUNCOMBE,  and  voted  nem  con. 


A  Pretty  Dish  to  Set  before  a  King. 

THE  EMPEROR  OF  AUSTRIA  has  been  disappointed  in  his  expectations 
of  Italian  diet.  Instead  of  eating  humble  pic,  the  inhabitants  of  the 
districts  he  has  lately  visited  have  but  shown  him  the  cold  shoulder. 


o 
to 


o 


W 


H 
O 

H 

ca 


1-lH 
H-l 


C/2 

t?3 

O 


JANUARY  17,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


27 


SPIRITS    BY    RETAIL. 


|E  subjoin  an  advertisement  which  is   no  invention 
of  ours : — 

COMMUNICATIONS  with  the  SPIRIT  OF  WASHINGTON  for 
~>  Oracular  Revelation  of  public  fact  and  duty ;  responses  tendered  relative  to 
Executive  or  Governmental,  State  or  Diplomatic,  National  or  Personal  questions  on 
affairs  of  moment  for  their  more  ready  and  appropriate  solution,  and  the  special  use 
of  official,  Congressional,  and  editorial  intelligence.  Address  "  Washington  Medium," 
Post  Office,  box  628,  Washington,  D.C.  No  letter  (except  for  an  interview)  will  be 
answered  unless  it  encloses  one  dollar,  and  only  the  first  five  questions  of  any  letter 
with  but  one  dollar  will  have  a  reply.  Number  your  questions  and  preserve  copies 
of  them. 

This,  Mr.  Punch  begs  to  repeat,  is  no  hoax  devised  by  any  gentle- 
man connected  with  him.  The  Times  auotes  it  from  an  American  local 
journal;  not  specifying  the  locality.  We  would  suggest  Gotham,  U.S. 
The  spirits  who  are  iu  the  habit  of  communicating  with  the  Washing- 
ton Medium,  apparently  inspire  him  with  information  on  all  manner  of 
important  subjects  but  one.  They  do  not  tell  him  how  to  make  money 
quickly,  or  he  would  not  be  under  the  necessity  of  selling  their  super- 
natural wisdom  by  retail  so  petty  as  that  of  a  dollar's  worth  at  a  time. 
It  must  take  him  a  long  while  to  extract  many  dollars  from  the 
pockets  of  even  the  Executive,  Governmental,  Diplomatic  persons, 
statesmen,  and  private  simpletons,  who  constitute  the  population  of 
that  Yankee  Gotham,  of  which  he  appears  to  be  one  of  the  Wizards,  or 
Wise  Men. 

SIR  EGBERT  PEEL'S  DESCENT  ON  MOSCOW! 

SIB  CHARLES  NAPIEE  (friend  and,  as  he  hopes,  fellow-exhibitor 
of  SIR  ROBEBT  PEEL)  presents  his  compliments  to  all  Committees, 
Principals,  Secretaries,  and  that  Sort  of  Thing,  of  all  Saloons,  Music- 
halls,  Institutions,  and  So  Forth,  and  begs  to  inform  'em  that  he  is 
about  to  offer  an  Engagement  to  SIB  ROBEET  PEEL,  Bait.,  to  join 
him  in  a  Course  of  Entertainments,  for  a  manly  set-to  atween  'em 
in  the  Metropolis  of  London  and  the  Provinces  generally.  As  differ- 
ence of  opinion  shoidd  never  separate  friends,  tor  that  very  reason 
the  old  sailor  thinks  that  SIB  CIIAKLES  and  SIB  ROBEBT  should  go 
together.  Their  ages  may  differ,  but  so  do  their  abilities,  and  their 
claims  upon  the  patronage  of  an  Enlightened  British  Public.  Whilst 
bin,  ROBEET  can  do  the  tumbling,  SIB  CHAELES  won't  turn  his  back 
upon  nothing  rough.  As  in  the  good  old  times  of  our  grandmothers 
there  was  nothing  like  the  show  of  the  monkey  and  the  dromedary,  so 
in  this  Card  it  is  the  humble  but  hearty  desire  of  SIB  C.  N.  to  bring 
eon  S°0(l-  old  ^ays  of  llis  anc(?stors  with  the  helping-hand  of 
BIB  R.  1 .  With  this  view  as  an  object,  SIB  CHABLES  NAPIEB  will 
give  at  onen  a  short  notice  of  the  entertainment  which  himself  and  his 
gallant  junior  tnend  of  the  Admiralty  (if  he  will  allow  him  so  to  call 
him,  and  if  he  won't,  it  doesn't  much  matter)  will  be  ready  at  the 
shortest  notice,  in  any  place,  to  project  before  the  public. 

PART    I. 

Will  open  with  Sin  C.  N.  and  SIB  R.  P.  on  the  deck  of  "one  of  those 
magnificent  vessels  which,"  as  SIB  R.  P.  observes,  "  ploughs  the  ocean 
like  Queens :  "  not  that  SIB  C.  N.— although  a  bit  of  a  farmer— ever 
saw  a  queen  at  the  plough  in  all  his  life.  Passing  Cronstadt,  there  will 


ensue  a  little  lively  patter  between  the  parties,  a  song  then  to  be  sung 
by  SIB  ROBEBT  in  the  character  of  Cronsladt  to  the  old  words  of—-"  Take 
me  while  I'm  in  the  humour ;  "  to  conclude  with  a  cutlass  combat  which 
will  be  supposed  to  land  the  exhibitors  at  St.  Petersburg. 

A  street  in  St.  Petersburg  will  introduce  my  gifted  -friend  SIB 
ROBERT  with  a  weather-glass  under  his  arm.  He  will  sit  down  upon 
the  monolith— which  he  says  is  "  the  biggest  stone  in  the  world,"— and 
to  show  the  variety  of  the  temperature  will  be/m  to  it  in  five  minutes. 
This  accident  will  bring  out  the  real  friendliness  of  Hie  Rut-kys  in  the 
shape  of  an  old  woman  with  a  boiling  tea-kettle  which  will  thaw  Sm 
ROBERT  afore  you  can  cry  scoldings. 

We  shall  then  be  invited  into  the  Winter  Palace  to  see  the  Crown 
jewels ;  faithful  models  of  which  have  been  taken  and  will  be  carried 
round  by  Sia  ROBERT  on  a  gilt  dish  for  the  inspection  of  the  ladies. 
SIB  ROBEET  will  be  prepared  for  any  question  that  may  or  may  not  be 
put.  Returning  to  the  sia<.ce,  Sm  ROBERT  will  sing  a  song,  iu  which 
the  admiral  will  be  playfully  badgered  for  not  haying  brought  home  the 
emerald  from  the  sceptre  for  the  sword-handle  of  PRINCE  ALBERT.  We 
shall  then  exhibit  two  portraits  of  the  GRAND  DUKE  CONSTANTINE,  on 
the  truly  British  principle  of  hearing  both  sides.  There  will  be  my  Duke, 
and  SIB  ROBERT'S  Duke.  Ladies  may  choose  atweeu  'em.  Tliis  part 
will  conclude  with  a  grand  dinner,  SIR  ROBEBT — like  Lfporello  in  Don 
Giovanni— showing  how  he  dined  at  £60  a-head,  and  even  then  hadn't 
a  belly-full.  The  total  amount  of  the  bill  will  be  given  iu  fireworks, 
which  will  conclude  PAHT  I. 

PART    II. 

Arrival  at  Moscow,  we  are  drawn  by  Four  Grey  Horses  at  five-and- 
twenty  pounds  a  leg  to  our  destination.  SIR  ROBEBT,  puffing  a  cigar 
in  his  lively  way,  in  the  face  of  a  policeman  is  all  but  speared  like  a 
grampus  by  the  Peeler's  three-pronged  fork.  Off  for  the  fair  at 
Nishnei,  SIB  ROBERT  singing  an  entirely  new  song,  "If  I  had  an 
Arab  what  wouldn't yo"  Frightful  state  of  postilions ;  no  saddle— no 
nothing.  SIB  ROBEET  asks  'em  "If  they  didn't  wish  themselves 
cherubims,"  when  the  coachman  knocks  'em  off  their  perch  for  not 
giving  a  civil  answer.  True  British  Humanity!  SIB  ROBEET  lets 
lall  a  tear  on  the  unfortunate,  and  drops  'em  a  rouble.  SIB  ROBEBT 
shows  to  a  discerning  public  "  how  he  never  enjoyed  anything  so  much." 
Great  discovery  at  Nishnei.  SIB  ROBEBT  finds  "a  brick"  in  the 
shape  of  a  Governor ;  which  he  will  make  the  subject  of  a  lecture,  a 
comic  song,  and  a  hornpipe.  Portraits  of  lovely  Circassians,  and  im- 
minent danger  of  SIB  ROBEBT,  when  his  friend  and  companion,  SIB 
CHABLES  comes  to  his  rescue,  and  carries  him  safely  off.  SIB  ROBERT 
in  the  character  of  a  Tea-totaller.  He  buys  S.OOOlbs.  of  tea  for  home 
consumption,  a  general  election  being  expected  in  the  summer.  At  the 
grand  fair  of  Nishnei,  SIB  ROBEBT  meets  a  Scotch  lassie,  and  to  the 
delight  of  the  "  brick "  of  a  Governor,  dances  a  Highland-fling  with 
her.  Splendid  view  of  the  Coronation  at  Moscow;  with  portraits, 
painted  by  SIB  ROBEBT.  COUNT  MOENY,  as  a  picture-cleaner,  and 
the  Belgian  Ambassador  as  a  cheesemonger.  The  EMPBESS  OP 
RUSSIA  dishevelled,  and  the  grand  smash  of  her  crown !  The  whole 
to  conclude  with  fireworks  that,  duly  going  out,  and  succeeded  by  a 
steady  electric  light,  will  show  "SiE  ROBEBT  PEEL  reposing  in  the 
lap  ot  BBITANNIA,"  SIE  CHABLES  NAPIEE,  his  friend  and  companion, 
on  this  occasion  only,  feeding  him  with  spoon  victuals. 

Eull  particulars  will  be  described  in  future  bills.  In  the  mean- 
time all  parties  desiring  to  treat,  will  address  either  to  SIE  ROBEBT 
PEEL,  Bart.,  Drayton ;  or  to  SIB  CHABLES  NAPIEE,  Reform  Club ;  or 
both. 


"Beds  of  Justice"  at  Berlin. 

THE  Scythians,  as  STEENE  informs  us  in  Tristram  Shandy,  used  to 
hold  their  discussions  under  two  opposite  conditions ;  the  state  of 
sobriety  and  that  of  intoxication.  They  debated  their  affairs,  first 
drunk,  that  their  counsels  might  not  lack  vigour  •  and  then  sober,  in 
order  that  their  resolutions  might  not  be  wanting  in  discretion.  KING 
CLICQUOT  is  evidently  a  descendant  of  the  ancient  Scythians,  but  as 
yet  he  seems  to  have  acted,  in  the  business  of  Neufchatel,  after  the 
manner  of  his  ancestors  in  part  only.  He  meditates  vigorous  measures 
against  Switzerland ;  but  he  has  not  yet  revolved  these  under  the  cir- 
cumstances wliich  are  necessary  to  render  them  discreet. 


TO  PALESTINE   FBOH   GAOL. 


WHITIIEB  to  transport  our  convicts  is  now  the  anxious  question  of 
every  social  politician.  The  Hebrides  have  been  proposed  for  the  site 
of  a  penal  settlement — but  would  it  not  be  better  if  \ye  could  send  all 
our  rogues  to  Jericho  ? 

THE  MOST  DIFFICULT  PEOBLEM  OF  ALL.— To  Square  the  Circle  of 
a  Lady's  dress.  N.B.  A  poor  husband  says,  he  has  been  trying  the 
experiment  on  his  wife's  milliners'  bills,  and  for  the  life  of  him  he 
cannot  make  them  square  at  all. 


28 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  17,  1857. 


THE    WEATHER    AND    THE    CROPPERS/ 

BY   A  VERY   OLD    GENTLEMAN. 


IJ'M  frozen  in; 

I  couldn't  stir  out  of  my  room  for  pounds  ; 
Last  night  I  tumbled  down  and  broko  my  shm, 

My  boots  were  "listed"  carefully,  but.  Zounds  ! 
'Twas  on  a  slide  (I  wonder  why  they  suffer 

Such  things  to  be),  and  no  Policeman  near — 

And  one  young  villain  bawled  out  in  my  ear — 
"  Wliy.don't  you  go  and  get  rough-shod,  Old  Buffer  ?  " 

Oh,  dear  !  what  weather — 

I  sit  and  watch  the  snow  fall  shower  by  shower ; 
I  've  seen  the  snow  and  men  go  down  together ; 

I  've  seen  five  cabs  go  down  in  half-an-hour ; 
I  've  seen  two  Chimney-sweeps  in  white  pass  by — 

I  've  seen  the  pot-boy  over  at  the  "  Grapes," 

With  his  big  snovel  in  no  end  of  scrapes  ; 
I  've  seen  a  snow-ball  through  a  window  fly. 

I  'm  out  of  Coal- 
Two  sacks  this  week  already,  and  they  're  gone, 

And  MRS.  PINCH,  my  landlady,  good  soul, 
Came  up  to  me  an'd  said  in  mildest  tone, 

"  I  've  sent  my  JIMMY  and  it  ain't  no  go — 
Of  course  he  went  a  slidin',  the  young  rip  lie 

Always  do — and  it 's  so  cus-sed  slippy, 
That  your  'arf-underd  's  buried  in  the  snow !  " 

We  're  out  of  water — 

And  so  of  course  on  No.  2  we  call ; 
And  No.  2,  or  else  her  pretty  daughter. 

Stands  on  a  chair  and  hands  it  o'er  the  wall ; 
She  hands  it  to  our  charwoman,  old  SWITCHED — 

And  yesterday,  in  manner  most  improper — 

The  poor  old  creature  went  a  dreadful  "cropper," 
And  broke  her  nose — it  might  have  been  the  pitcher ! 


I  sent  young  JIM — 
To  get  some  Brandy  in  a  bottle,  well 

*  We  beg  to  inform  our  polite   readers  that  this  word  is  synonymous  with 
"  tumbles." 


He  met  the  "Times"  and  had  a  slide  with  him  ; 
"  Times"  tripped  up  JIMMY,  and  of  course  he  fell, 

And  broke  the  bottle — five  young  imps  stood  around  him, 
And  one,  when  from  young  JIM  the  spirit  trickled. 
Cried  "  Want  yer  door  swep  ?  "  seeming  greatly  tickled, 

I  could  have  punched  his  little  head,  confound  him ! 

I'll  go  to  bed— 

And  there  shut  out  the  fog  and  sleet  and  snow — 
I  '11  wrap  my  blankets  tightly  round  my  head, 

And  thus  get  warm — "  Who 's  knocking  there  ?  Hollo  ! 
"It's  me  Sir,  MRS.  PINCH,  cheer  up,  Sir,  lor! 

Our  student  gent  down-stairs,  he  says  to  me, 

'  The  frost 's  all  over,  MRS.  P.,'  says  he, 
'To-morrow 's  Thursday— it 's  the  day  of  Ihor.'  " 


MAJOR  SCOTT  OP  GALA  AND  "A  TILE  VAGABOND." 

MAJOR  SCOTT,  of  Gala,  has  been  lecturing  to  the  forlorn  folks 
of  Galashiels,  whom  he  has  not  enlightened.  Unhappily  for  them, 
quite  otherwise.  Even  as  Orpheus,  first  lyre  as  he  was  con- 
sidered, was  at  length  torn  to  pieces  by  his  audience,  even  so  did 
MAJOR  SCOTT  by  too  bold  an  experiment  on  the  ears  of  his  listeners, 
run  a  like  danger  of  dissolution.  Fortunately,  however,  for  MAJOR 
SCOTT  he  possessed  a  personal  privilege,  an  immunity  not  enjoyed  by 
the  Orpheus  aforesaid.  MAJOR  SCOTT  is  Lord  of  the  Manor  of  Gala- 
shiels, and  we  hope,  exclusive  proprietor  of  the  manners  of  MAJOR 
SCOTT.  The  Major  began  his  lecture  in  all  the  easy  confidence 
inspired  by  genius  with  the  fullest  confidence  in  itself  and  in  the 
credibility  of  its  hearers.  He  gave  a  history  of  the  condition  of 
Ireland  in  1818-9 ;  then,  passing  quickly  from  the  first  gem  of  the 
sea,  he  landed  on  the  continent  of  Europe,  and  immediately  put 
his  foot  in  it.  For  the  Major  observed  that — "At  that  time, 
Hungary  was  under  the  leadership  of  that  vile  vagabond,  Louis 
KOSSUTH  ! "  The  audience  gasped  a  moment  for  breath,  and  then 
collecting  it,  sent  forth  so  deep,  so  piercing  a  hiss  that  it  searched 
the  very  button-holes  of  the  Major,  going  clean  through  his  shirt  to 
his  skin,  thence  to  his  marrow — his  martial  marrow.  Por  it  so  happens 
that  KOSSUTH  has  just  finished  a  triumphant  progress  throughout 
Scotland,  sowing  memories  of  his  genius,  memories  of  the  wrongs  of 
his  country,  thick  as  gowans.  Therefore  was  the  time  especially  ill- 
chosen  for  the  Major  to  air  his  opinions  on  the  character  and  properties 
of  Hungarian  scoundrelism ;  and  therefore,  warned  and  shivering  by 
the  result,  it  is  said  by  those  in  his  confidence  that  the  Major,  upon 
reaching  a  place  of  security,  thought  himself  particxdarly  fortunate 
that  he  had  been  onlv  well  hissed.  After  all,  we  dare  say  the  Major 
meant  no  harm.  And  for  hissing,  there  is  an  animal  upon  which  any 
amount  of  hissing  is  9uly  so  much  breath  thrown  away,  seeing  that  in 
the  matter  of  hisses  it  is  fully  capable  of  supplying  itself.  By  the 
way,  the  editor  of  the  Kelso  Chronicle  has  made  up  a  portentous  rod  of 
native  thistles,  wherewith  he  has  so  scourged  the  Major  that,  however 
willing  he  may  be  to  pocket  the  chastisement,  he  must  feel  it  rather 
difficult  to  sit  down  upon  it. 


The    Swiss   Holydays. 
ACCOUNTS  from  Switzerland  state  that : — 

"  On  the  24th,  all  the  higher  public  schools  in  Switzerland  were  closed,  and  it  was 
settled  that  they  should  not  be  re-opeued  until  the  storm  had  blown  over." 

"Don't  I  just  wish  that  old  CLICQUOT  was  going  to  pitch  into 
England ! "  will  probably  be  the  exclamation  of  many  of  our  juvenile 
readers  on  perusing  the  above  announcement. 


OUR  POLITENESS  EXCEEDS  HIS  BEAUTY. 

MR.  SPURGEON  has  just  published  a  sermon-pamphlet,  called  Turn 
or  Burn.  Wishing  to  meet  the  reverend  gentleman  more  than  half- 
way, Mr.  Punch  did  both.  He  turned  the  second  page,  and  then  burnt 
the  whole. 

The  Experience   of  a   Borrower. 

"  How  very  provoking,  my  dear  fellow  ?  If  you  had  but  come  yes- 
terday, you  might  have  had 'the  money  !  "  How  true  this  is  .through 
life!  Whenever  we  ask  for  anything,  (lie  only  Yes  we  receive  is  in 
"  Yesterday !  "  In  begging  favours,  To-day  always  means  a  Day- 
too-late  ! 

APING   THE  TASHION. 

THE  Prench "proverb  informs  us  that  "  L' habit  ne  fait  pas  le  Npine." 
We  can  only  say  that  if  "the  dress  does  not  make  the  Monk,"  it  fre- 
quently makes  the  Monkey— as  may  be  seen  any  day  by  walking  down 
Regent  Street  at  three  o'clock. 


JANUARY  17,  1857.] 


PUNCH,    OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


20 


MARY    ANN'S    NOTIONS. 


"  MY  DEAR  ME.  PUNCH, 

"  SOME  of  your  remarks  upon  1117  last  letter  are  sensible,1 
some  are  funny,2  and  the  rest  are  very  stupid.3  But  I  am  not  at  all 
offended  with  you,4  because  I  know  that  in  your  heart  you  agree  with 
everything  I  say,  and  only  add  those  grumbling  growls  to  keep  up  the 
precious  dignity  of  your  sex.4 

"  You  told  me  in  a  note  you  sent  me,  that  what  I  said  in  a  former 
letter  about  the  ridiculous  way  young  men  talk  has  been  considered  as 
'  too  severe '  by  some  of  them,  and  that  they  have  been  writing  to  you 
about  it.  I  wish  you  had  sent  me  their  notes.6  They  must  be  dreadful 
gabies  to  feel  hurt  by  a  girl's  observations ;  but  if  the  cap  fits  let  them 
wear  it  by  all  means.  The  fact  is,  my  dear  creature,  I  have  not  said 
half  enough  about  them.  We  have  been  to  a  good  many  parties  this 
Christmas  (and,  by  the  way,  I  send  you  a  box  of  bonbon  crackers  for 
that  dear  darling  little  thing  that  wrote  to  you  last  week  about  HANS 
CHRISTIAN  ANDERSEN,  who  is  a  great  pet  of  mine,  so  be  sure  that  you 
have  them  forwarded,  and  do  not  let  any  of  your  great  stupid  he-con- 
tributors get  hold  of  them,  or  not  a  cracker  will  the  poor  child  ever 
see ;  for  men  are  the  greatest  babies  of  all7)  and  I  have  of  course  had 
plenty  of  opportunity  of  listening  to  the  sort  of  talk  that  I  am  too 
severe  about.  I  made  memorandums  of  what  I  could  remember  when 
we  got  home,  on  several  mornings,3  and  I  have  put  it  together,  as  a 
specimen  of  a  gentleman's  polite  conversation  in  1857.  I  have  not  put 
in  my  answers  because  they  were  only  nods,  or  indeeds,  or  O  yeses, 
or  little  laughs.9  Listen  to  him,  now. 

"  '  Children's  parties  very  delightful,  am 't  they,  charming  and  fresh 
and  all  that  ?  I  don 't  care  much  about  children  myself,  but  I  know  i 
good  many  persons  that  do.  (This  was  meant  forfucetiousness).  II 
they  're  little  I  'm  always  afraid  of  breaking  'em,  and  if  they're  big  they 
break  everything.  My  sister  's  got  a  lot,  I  think  they  're  the  besl 
children  I  ever  saw,  but  I  don 't  often  see  'em,  because  she  knows  1 
don 't  exactly  hanker  after  'em,  as  MRS.  BARNEY  WILLIAMS  says.  Seen 
MRS.  BARNEY  ?  No  ?  You  should,  she 's  very  great  fun.  They  say 
PICCOLOMINI  has  made  a  fiasco  in  Paris,  the  French  people  won't 
have  her  at  any  price,  say  she  can't  sing,  and  laugh  at  us  for  going 
wild  about  her— you  liked  her  ?  Yes,  all  the  ladies  liked  her,  because 
she  was  a  lady  herself,  by  birth,  SONTAG  the  same,  you  know,  though  il 
was  before  your  time.  What  a  noise  the  wind  makes,  awful  gales 
everywhere.  I  know  a  fellah  in  the  Waifs  and  Strays,  government  office 
you  know, — and  his  time  of  leave  is  up,  and  as  he 's  rather  down  ii 
the  black  books  he  ought  to  be  coming  over  to-night,  wonder  i: 
he  will.  He'll  be  a  waif  and  stray  himself  if  he  does.  (More 
faceiiousxess.)  Well,  no,  not  a  friend,  but  I  should  be  sorry  tc 
hear  that  old  PIGGY  CARTER  had  come  to  g/ief.  PIGGY— yes,  we  cal 
him  so,  chiefly  because  he  hates  it,  I  believe,  his  name's  PIGGOTT 
His  mother 's  so  proud  of  him  that  she  used  to  call  him  her  PIGGOTT 
diamond ;  there 's  a  big  stone  of  that  name,  you  know.  ARCHBISHOP 
OF  PARIS,  yes,  very  shocking,  very  funny  the  assassin's  name  shoulc 
be  VERGES,  same  name  as  in  the  play,  you  know,  where  Dogberry  comes 
Do  you  like  the  theatre  ?  I  like  to  be  amused,  but  there's  nothing  to 
amuse  one  now,  unless  one  takes  a  Hansom,  and  goes  away  into  the  wilds 
at  the  east-end,  places  you  never  heard  of,  there 's  fun  there,  but  it 's  a 
bore  to  go  so  far.  Any  friends  in  China  ?  I  only  ask,  because  as  you 
may  have  heard,  we  've  been  breaking  the  crockery,  and  one  likes  one's 
friends  to  be  out  of  the  way  of  the  pieces.  How  those  young  ones  are 
pitching  into  the  eake.  I  got  two  things  off  the  Tree,  a  baby  in  a  cradle 
and  a  gridiron,  here 's  the  gridiron  on  my  watch,  but  I  gave  the  baby 
to  MRS.  MELLINGTON,  over  there.  They've  no  children,  and  it's  a 
great  grief  to  them,  because  his  brother,  whom  he  hates  like  fun,  wil 


come  into  the  property,  and  it 's  a  tender  place  with  them,  so  I  gave 
i  r  my  baby,  as  one  likes  to  be  charitable,  you  know,  but  she  diu  not 
ook  verj;  grateful.  Seen  any  of  the  pantomimes  ?  Well,  I  don't 
enow  wliich  is  the  best  ;  they're  all  more  or  less  stupid ;  besides, 
there 's  no  fun :  they  go  in  for  a  great  show,  and  clown  don't  burn 
jantaloon  with  hot  pokers,  and  wop  him,  and  all  that.  That  makes  me 
scream,  but  I  don't  care  about  revolving  stars  and  glittering  abodes. 
3  yes,  1  know  all  that,  they  are  wonderfully  clever,  and  the  other's 
only  like  big  schoolboys,  but  I  hanker  after  the  hot  poker.  BROWNING, 
no,' I  can't  say  I  have.  Is  she  an  English  person  ?  Very  clever,  I 
suppose.  There  are  such  lots  of  clever  persons  n«w,  that  if  one  tries 
;o  read  up  to  the  time  of  day,  one  would  have  no  time  for  anything 
else,  so  I  wait  till  somebody  tells  me.  But  if  you  say  BROWNING,  I 
shall  send  for  it.  I  must  remember  her  name — BROWNING— a  brown — 
done  brown— I  know— we  had  a  row  at  the  club  about  maccaroni,  and 
;he  cook  stuck  out  it  wanted  no  Browning,  I  shall  remember.  Now 
the  young  ones  are  pretty  well  cleared  out,  I  suppose  we  might  stand 
up.  May  I  have — '  &c.,  &c. 

"There,  my  dear  Mr.  Punch,  there  is  a  little  bit,  and  I  believe  I 
have  made  it  a  great  deal  better  than  it  was.    Am  I  '  too  severe  ? ' 
They  ought. to  be  ashamed  of  themselves,  great  ridiculous  idiots.10 
"  Yours,  affectionately, 

"Tuesday."  "MARY  ANN." 

1  Much  obliged. 

2  Not  one  of  them,  Miss. 

3  Encouragement  makes  some  people  presumptuous.    We  indulge  you  too  much. 

4  That  is  a  consolation. 

*  How  many  more  times  are  you  to  be  told  to  speak  of  us  otherwise  than  as  part 
of  the  aggregate  multitude.  Our  soul  is  like  a  star,  aud  dwells  apart,  young  woman. 

8  We  never  give  up  the  letters  of  stupid  correspondents,  or  we  could  make  three 
fortunes  a  year  by  our  waste  paper  basket. 

'  We  merely  put  in  an  exhausted  protest  against  this  style  of  writing.  It  defies 
criticism. 

•  Mornings.    If  you  mean  that  you  sat  up  after  a  party  to  write,  you  are  a  foolish 
little  goose. 

»  Which  last  you  do  very  prettily,  MARIA  ANNA. 
10  It  seems  to  us  that  as  partners  go,  you  got  a  very  lively  and  clever  one. 


ULTRA-PROTESTANT  PRECAUTION. 

THOUGH  every  man  is  supposed  to  be  a  fool  or  a  physician  at  forty, 
it  appears  that  the  science  of  spiritual  medicine  is  not  necessarily 
acquired  in  the  course  of  many  more  than  that  number  of  years,  even 
by  those  who  have  been  studying  it  all  their  lives.  The  following 
epistle,  from  a  clerical  pen,  betrays  the  apprehension  that  a  doctor  of 
divinity  may  possibly  abjure  sound  doctrine  in  his  old  age,  and  turn 
quack : — 

To  the  Editor  of  the  "  Morning  Herald." 

"  SIR,— As  it  is  quite  expected  that  a  more  general  measure  will  be  introduced 

into  Parliament  for  the  pensioning  of  retiring  Bishops,  permit  me  to  suggest  that  a 


of  the  Episcopacy. 
"  Jan.  3rit."  "  I  am,  Sir,  yours,  CLEBICCS. 

But,  if  it  is  fair  to  deprive  a  poor  old  prelate  of  his  superannuation 
allowance  for  turning  Papist,  wny  propose  to  limit  the  deprivation  to 
a  particular  case  of  perversion  ?  Why  should  not  an  ex-bishop  be 
equally  liable  to  lose  his  income  for  turning  Methodist  or  Quaker,  or, 
at  the  imminent  peril  of  his  old  body  (at  least),  submitting  to  be  ducked 
as  a  particular  Baptist  ?  By  the  time  a  bishop  has  qualified  himself  for 
the  episcopal  pension-list,  he  may  be  presumed  to  have  made  up  his 
mind  pretty  well  upon  the  subject  of  theology,  and  any  change  of  mind, 
at  that  time  of  life,  on  such  a  subject  can  only  be  that  species  of 
change  which  involves  irresponsibility.  He  would  be  about  as  likely 
to  go  over  to  Rome  as  to  go  over  to  Utah,  and  to  join  a  confraternity 
of  friars  as  to  enter  the  Agapemone ;  and  in  the  event  of  his  doing 
either  of  these  things,  why  punish  the  poor  old  bishop  for  indulging  in 
a  mere  vagary  of  dotage. 

How  History  is  Written- 

WE  all  know  that  History  is  but  another  form  of  Romance,  especially 
in  the  hands  of  a  Frenchman.  For  instance,  the  "History  of  the 
Empire,"  byTiiiERS,  is  only  His-Story  (and  we  need  not  say  what  kind 
of  a  Story  that  is)  of  the  different  wars  that  took  place  with  the 
English  in  the  Peninsula,  and  elsewhere. 


HOMOEOPATHIC   COMFORT. 

THERE  are  some  persons  who  are  contented  with  very  little.  Look 
at  LORD  ERNEST.  He  is  indifferent  to  public  opinion— he  is  perfectly 
satisfied,  he  says,  with  the  esteem  he  has  for  himself. 

THE  MONEY  MARKET.— Get  your  money  ready  before  getting  out  of 
an  Omnibus,  and  before  going  into  Chancery. 


30 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  17,  1857. 


Emily.    "  Madame  Bonton  says  'the  Circumference  of  the  Crinoline  i'ouid  oe  Thirty-Six  Feet!'" 
Caroline.   "Dear  me! — I'm  only  Thirty-Two — I  must  Jnfla'.e  a,  little  I" 


THE    EVER-PERSECUTED    SAINTS. 

BY   OTJR  ULTRAMONTANE   CONTRIBUTOR. 

IN  a  spirit  of  violent  bigotry,  intolerance,  and  hostility  to  the  mild 
and  liberal  Church  of  Rome,  the  Times  has  published  the  substance  of 
an  allocution  lately  delivered  by  the  holy  POPE  in  a  sacro-sanet  and 
secret  consistory.  The  intolerance,  animosity,  and  prejudice  of  the 
Times  are  not  indeed  evinced  in  any  particular  comments  upon  the 
apostolic  address,  but  are  manifested  in  wicked  inverted  commas,  in 
which  certain  passages  of  that  venerable  document  are  maliciously 
printed.  For  example,  from  that  portion  of  it  wherein  the  Govern- 
ment of  Mexico  is  affectionately  reproved  for  its  horrid  and  execrable 
contumacy  of  the  authority,  and  interference  with  the  property,  of  the 
Church,  is  culled  the  following  extract  :— 

"  The  permission  given  by  the  Government  to  all  sects  publicly  to  practise  their 
religious  rites  is  denounced  as  '  an  abominable  measure  which  is  calculated  to 
undermine  the  most  holy  Roman  Catholic  religion.'" 

This  other  passage,  on  the  subject  of  Switzerland,  is,  in  like  invidious 
manner,  selected  from  the  allocution : — 

"  The  state  of  Switzerland  makes  Pius  THE  NINTH  quite  disconsolate,  'so  nu- 
merous are  the  encroachments  of  the  civil  authorities  on  the  rights  of  the  Church, 
and  of  her  Bishops  and  servants.'  After  hurling  his  thunders  at  those  Priests  who 
obey  the  laws  of  the  countries  in  which  they  live  rather  than  the  instructions  for- 
warded to  them  from  Rome,  the  Holy  Father  entreats  the  Most  High  to  enlighten 
the  minds  of  men,  and  to  bring  back  tlioso  who  have  gone  astray  into  the  right 
path." 

The  impi9us  inference  which  the  above  passages  are  published  to 
insinuate  evidently  is,  that  the  Roman  Church  would  forbid  all  tole- 
ration if  she  could,  and  desires  to  set  herself  above  the  law.  The 
writer  ignores  the  indisputable  truth  that  true  toleration  is  simply  the 
toleration  of  Catholicism,  and  the  equally  undeniable  verity  that  the 
Church  cannot  wish  to  be  superior  to  the  law,  because  she  actually  is 
so.  How  much  longer  are  Catholics  to  groan  under  such  bitter 
persecution  as  that  which  they  suffer  in  beholding  the  words  of  then- 
venerable  pontiff  exposed  to  obloquy  and  derision  in  the  pillory  of 
inverted  commas  ? 


COLT  ABOVE  THE  CLOUDS.— An  analogy  has  lately  been  established 
to  exist  between  planets  and  shooting-stars.  It  mainly  rests  on  the 
astronomical  fact  that  the  former  class  of  luminaries  are  all  revolvers. 


A  CHRISTMAS  PUZZLE. 

OF  all  riddles  and  puzzles  that  are  generally  handed  round  at  this 
puzzling  time  of  the  year,  we  think  the  following  (which  curiously 
appeared,  though  not  in  the  form  of  a  "  Conundrum,"  in  the  columns 
of  the  Manchester  Examiner  of  Dec.  31)  is  about  the  very  hardest  to 
crack : — 

A  DARK-COMPLEXIONED  GENTLEMAN  will  be  happy  to  "LET 
IN"  the  NEW  YEAU  for  a  few  respectable  families.    Address,  &c. 

We  are  curious  to  know  the  nature  of  the  above  "Let  in" — and 
whether  many  respectable  families  were  accordingly  "  let  in"  in  the 
mysterious  manner  indicated  ?  And  why  a  "  Dark-complexioned  " 
Gentleman?  Would  not  a  fair-complexioned  gentleman  have  had  the 
face  to  do  it  equally  as  well  ?  Or,  if  it  comes  to  that,  would  not  a 
sanguine  Gent,  of  a  good  rich  Rufus  complexion,  have  been  endowed 
with  the  same  liberal  proportion  of  "cheek"  for  letting  in  families 
as  a  dark-visaged  Monsieur  of  a  deep  Spanish-liquorice  hue?  These 
mysteries  weigh  heavily  upon  us,  like  a  pork-chop  supper.  We  hope 
that  the  family  so  favoured  did  not  find  its  stock  of  silver  spoons 
reduced  after  the  "  let  in,"  and  that  there  was  sufficient  left  in  its 
larder  to  provide  a  decent  breakfast  the  next  morning?  As  for 
ourselves,  we  were  singularly  "  let  in "  on  New  Year's  jjlve,  for  we 
played  at  Whist,  and  lost  a  small  carpet-bag-full  of  sovereigns  to  two 
or  three  dark-complexioned  old  maids  !  In  the  meantime,  we  recom- 
mend to  all  such  jovial  societies  as  still  love  to  play  a  good  round  game 
of  Forfeits  to  adopt  that  mysterious  paragraph  as  one  of  the  punish- 
ments, viz. : — Let  the  lady  or  gentleman  en  penitence  be  condemned 
to  read  Sradshmc's  Time  Tables  until  the  meaning  of  the  above 
hieroglyphic  is  satisfactorily  explained ;  or  the  penitential  party,  failing 
of  success,  to  go  without  supper. 


Clicquot's  Last. 

OUR  own  Correspondent  at  Berlin  informs  us  that  the  following 


my 


emshelves  presh's  lucky 
Swizzle-(.$iV)-Swizzleland.' 


1  ij-jiiLUlltJ-H./      \J       J.1  UU.lC'l-l.  d*.  •          V^U-QIIU      v\f     uniim, 

I  don't  'shert  my  claim  to  sh'  whole  o' 


Muted  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13. 


3.  Umier  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  WeM,  Kege-u'«  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  Cnunty  of  Mi.ldle«r 
oara  btreet,  in  the  Pucnict  of  W  hitelnars,  ia  the  City  of  Loiujn.aud  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  FleH  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  t 


JANUARY  24,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


31 


PUNCH    AMONG    THE    POULTRY. 


HE  Poultry  have  been  gathered  beneath  the  wing  of  the 
Crystal  Palace,  and  the  crowds  who  nocked  to  see  them 
have  been  such  as  one  expects  to  encounter  in  the  Poultry.  "  Among 
the  distinguished  visitors  who  were  present,"  the  reporters  have 
omitted  to  announce  the  name  of  Mr.  Punch,  a  slight  which  Mr.  Punch, 
whose  distinction  is  in  need  of  no  such  advertisement,  is  willing  to 
forgive. 

The  show  consisting  of  more  than  a  thousand  pens,  Punch  will  not 
attempt  with  his  single  one  to  make  individual  mention  of  them  all ; 
but  for  further  information  he  would  refer  the  curious  to  the 
Catalogue. 

To  have  added  to  the  musical  attractions  of  the  Palace,  the  show 
might  not  inaptly  have  been  advertised  as  a  concert,  the  pieces  for 
performance  being  principally  by  COCKS  AND  Co.  There  were  indeed 
so  many  bright  chanticleers  assembled  to  proclaim  the  morn,  that  it 
would  have  somewhat  puzzled  the  Ghost  of  Hamlet's  Father  to  have 
known  which  particular  cockcrow  to  select  as  his  signal  for  departure. 
The  voices  of  the  game  cocks  were  especially  triumphant,  as  though 
crowing  over  the  downfall  (in  price  that  is,  for  on  their  legs  they  stand 
as  high  as  ever)  of  their  late  antagonists  the  Cochins,  whose  melan- 
choly notes  seemed  sounding  a  lament  that  the  good  old  Cochin  days 
are  over,  and  that  they  are  now  quite  off  the  road  to  fame.  Punch 
noticed  several  attempts  to  bring  their  disputes  to  the  decision  of  the 
beak,  and  the  struggles  which  they  made  to  dp  so,  stretching  out  their 
necks  and  pecking  round  the  corner  at  their  next  door  neighbours, 
induced  the  reflection  that  to  "live  like  fighting  cocks"  can  hardly  be 
as  enviable  as  the  saying  seems  to  hint. 

Stepping  rather  quickly  past  the  long-legged  Malays,  and  not  being 
judge  enough  to  know  for  what  good  point  such  skinny  creatures  could 
be  "  highly  commended,"  Punch  lingered  with  reflective  fondness  by 
the  edible.-looking,  plump,  and  appetising  Dorkings,  and  thought  how 
niuch  their  appearance  would  improve  with  oyster-sauce  and  parsley. 
Some  of  them  being  marked  for  sale  at  the  "  reduced  price  "  of  ten 
and  even  twenty  guineas,  Mr.  Punch  was  strongly  tempted  to  smack 
his  mental  lips  at  them,  and  estimate  the  value  of  their  liver  wings, 
and  wonder  if  the  eggs  they  laid  were  really  golden  ones. 

Mr.  Punch  next  honoured  the  rabbits  with  a  visit,  and  finding  that 
the  p_nzes  were  awarded  chiefly  for  their  length  of  ears,  thought  of 
certain  ears  which  shortly  he  expects  to  see  in  the  St.  Stephen's  Show, 
and  which  he  considers  might  have  fittingly  competed.  Among  the 
pigeons,  the  least  formidable  looking  were  the  "  dragons,"  and  as  a 
descendant  of  ST.  GEORGE,  Mr.  Punch  would  back  himself  to  denwlish 
any  number  of  them— due  attention  being  paid  to  their  being  nicely 
baked,  llie  fantails  and  pouters  seemed  the  swells  of  the  assemblage, 
and  strutted  up  and  down  like  beadle-birds,  swelling  with  importance. 
Ladies  who  wear  Crinoline— and  who  of  them  does  not  ?— combine  the 


characteristics  of  both  pouter  and  fantail ;  puffing  themselves  out  as 
well  in  front  as  in  the  opposite  direction. 

Returning  to  the  poultry,  Mr.  Punch  last  inspected  a  prize  pen  of 
Polish  ;  which  proved  to  be  inducive  of  the  thought  that  had  he  him- 
self condescended  to  have  been  an  exhibitor,  the  prize  in  this  case 
would  have  been  awarded  differently ;  it  being,  he  believes,  universally 
acknowledged  that  in  the  matter  ot  polish,  there  has  never  been  a  pen 
to  equal  that  of  Punch. 


THE  REVERSE  OF  PRUDENCE. 

AT  a  late  Meeting  of  Middlesex  Magistrates,  MR.  W.  PAYNE  brought 
up  a  report  from  the  Committee  in  relation  to  criminal  jurisprudence. 
One  would  think  the  report  in  question  must  be  brief,  as  the  Com- 
mittee can  hardly  have  liad  much  to  say  on  that  which  does  not  exist 
in  England.  Criminal  jurisprudence  is  a  science  which  we  have  yet  to 
learn :  there  is  no  such  tiling  at  present  in  HER  MAJESTY'S  dominions. 
On  the  contrary,  the  outrages  committed,  daily,  by  ruffians  who  have 
been  turned  loose  on  society,  clearly  prove  that  our  arrangements  for 
the  disposal  and  discipline  of  our  convicts  have  been  dictated  by  the 
very  grossest  jurisimprudence. 


A  MILLINER'S  SHOP  IS  ONLY  A  DUCK-POND. 

A  MISERABLE  grumbling  victim  of  a  husband  anathematises  those 
seductively  pretty  bonnets  that  milliners  will  exhibit  in  their  shop- 
windows  to  tempt  poor  frail  women  to  step  inside  and  purchase.  He 
informs  us  that  they  are  generally  "  show-bonnets,"  bought  at  a  large 
price  in  Paris,  and  kept  purposely  before  the  public  female  eye  as  an 
alluring  bait  to  catch  customers.  But  few  can  resist  the  temptation. 
A  wife  looks — sails  round  it— admires  and  admires— ventures  closer 
and  closer — opens  her  mouth — and  with  one  bold  gulp  she  and  her 
purse  are  fairly  hooked  and  taken  in.  Therefore,  our  above-mentioned 
victim  declares  that  whenever,  to  his  sorrow  and  cost,  he  overhears  his 
wife,  in  an  ecstacy  of  uncontrollable  admiration,  exclaim,  "  There 's  a 
Duck  of  a  Bonnet ! "  he  always  says,  as  tenderly  as  he  can,  "  No,  my 
dear,  not  a  Duck,  but  a  Decoy -Duck  of  a  Bonnet.  It  is  only  placed 
there  just  to  induce  a  pretty  little  Duck;  like  yourself,  my  dear,  to  rush 
in  after  another ! "  The  first  time  he  tried  this  tender  remonstrance,  it 
had  the  effect,  he  says,  of  saving  his  wife  from  plunging  into  the 
inevitable  vortex  of  extravagance,  but  he  regrets  to  add  that  it  has 
never  succeeded  since !  He  characterises  a  milliner's  shop  as  a  Duck- 
Pond,  full  of  nothing  but  Decoy-Ducks. 


HORRID  SPLENDOUR. 

LORD  CAMPBELL,  in  his  lately  published  Lives  of  the  Chancellors, 
indulges  in  the  following  jocose  remark : — 

"  I  am  grieved  to  say  that  since  the  year  1S45,  when  the  above  sketch  of  the  office 
of  LORD  CHANCELLOR  was  composed,  it  has  been  sadly  shorn  of  its  splendour." 

In  stating  that  the  Lord  Chancellorship  has  been  shorn  of  its 
splendour,  the  LORD  CHIEF  JUSTICE  of  course  means  to  say  that  the 
abuses  and  iniquities  of  Chancery  have  been  rendered  somewhat  less 

glaring.    They  are  still,  however,  sufficiently  so  to  render  the  Court  of 
hancery  much  too  splendid. 


The  Hero  of  the  Nil(e). 

We 

SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER 

tried  before  Cronstadt  of  lowering  English  men-of-war,  for  without 
making  a  single  move,  or  striking  as  much  as  a  blow,  he  contrived  to 
let  down,  in  the  estimation  of  foreigners,  an  entire  British  Fleet. 


THE  papers  speak  highly  of  CLIFFORD'S  plan  of  lowering  boats, 
wonder  if  the  plan  is  at  all  equal  to  the  one  that  SIR  CHARI 


"VOL.  xxxn. 


32 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  24,  1857. 


ABOUT    THE    ENGLISH    OF    IT. 

E  arc  enabled  to  pub- 
lish the  real  English 
of  the  Chinese  Des- 
patches relative  to_ 
the  bombardment  of 
Canton,  of  which 
flowery  translations 
have  lately  appeared 
in  the  Newspapers, 
as  well  as  the  pnvate 
communications  of 
our  Consul,  Admiral, 
and  Plenipotentiary, 
of  which  their  pub- 
lished letters  are  an 
expansion  by  the 
diplomatic  theorem : 

"  To  COMMISSIONER 

YEH. 
"  British  Consulate. 

"  Sir,  —  One  of 
your  war-boats  has 
boarded  an  English 
lorcha,  the  Arrow, 
lying  near  the  Dutch 
Folly,  has  carried  off 
twelve  of  her  Chinese  crew,  and  hauled  down  the  English  flag. 

"  I  went  to  the  war-boat,  and  explained  to  the  Officer  in  command  that 
wouldn't  stand  it,  and  that  he  must  send  the  men  up  to  the  British  Consulate. 
The  Officer  refused,  and  told  me  to  be  hanged,  and  said  if  I  didn't  get  out  oi 
that,  he  would  make  me. 

"  Not  wishing  to  be  ducked,  I  left  the  boat,  and  now  write  to  request  that  you 
will  at  once  give  orders  to  CAPTAIN  LEANG-QWO-TING,  to  send  the  men  back  to  the 
Arrow.  I  may  as  well  mention  that  I  have  written  to  our  Plenipotentiary  and  our 
Commodore.  You  know  neither  will  stand  any  nonsense,  and  if  you  don't  send  the 
men  back  at  once,  and  with  a  proper  apology,  I  won't  be  answerable  lor  the 
consequences.  So  look  out  for  squalls. 

"  Yours,  indignantly,  H.  S.  PARKES." 
(A  True  Translation.    PUNCH.) 

(ME.  CONSUL  PABKES  to  COMMODORE  ELLIOT,  H.M.S.  Sibyllc.) 

(Private.)  • 
"  My  dear  ELLIOT,  "  British  Consulate,  Oct.  8. 

"  Here 's  a  chance  for  you.  These  fellows  have  seized  some  men  aboard 
a  loreha  flying  English  colours.  I  have  written  to  desire  YEH  to  send  them  back. 
I  haven't  got  his  answer,  but  of  course  he  won't. 

"  You  know  what  a  pig-headed  brute  it  is,  and  besides,  there  is  no  doubt  the 
lorcha' s  colonial  registry  was  not  renewed  when  it  last  expired.  This  will  give 
him  a  legal  ground  for  refusal,  but  of  course  I  sliall  not  condescend  to  discuss 
the  point  of  law  with  him.  I  fully  anticipate  ymir  thirty-two  pounders  will  be 
required  to  reduce  him  to  reason;  so  bring  \\ySibylle  without  delay,  there's  a  good 
fellow. 

"  Ever  yours,  H.  S.  PA&KES." 

(ME.  PARKES  to  Sin  JOHN  BOWHING,  enclosing  YEH'S  answer.) 
"  To  His  EXCELLENCY  SIR  JOHN  BOWSING,  &c.  &c.  &c. 

(Private.) 
"  My  dear  Sir,  "  British  Consulate,  Oct.  10. 

"  I  enclose  YEH'S  answer  to  my  letter.  As  I  expected,  he  offers  no 
apology,  but  takes  advantage  of  the  legal  quibble,  as  to  the  Arrow's  right  to  fly 
our  colour'- ;  but  he  luckily  misses  the  strong  point  that  her  registry  was  not 
renewed  on  the  27th  of  September  last,  as  it  ought  to  have  been.  The  story  of  the 
jjirate  on  board  is  new  to  me.  It  may  or  may  not  be  true,  but  at  all  events  we  may 
lairly  contend  there  is  no  reliance  on  the  evidence  of  natives  given  under  duresse. 
I  hope  you  will  not  see  any  objection  to  my  having  written  to  ELLIOT  to  bring  up 
Sibylle.  I  think  the  sooner  we  come  to  great  guns  the  better.  These  Quihis  will 
discuss  law  points  with  us  for  an  eternity. 

"  Yours,  sincerely,  H.  S.  PARKES. 

"  P.S.  I  forgot  to  mention  that  YEH  sent  back  nine  of  the  men.  Of  course,  I 
refused  to  receive  them.  His  pretext  for  keeping  back  the  others,  that  they  arc 
under  legal  examination,  is  ridiculous.  What  business  has  he  to  set  up  Chinese 
law  against;  the  demands  of  a  British  Consul  ?  " 

(YEH'S  answer  enclosed  in  the  above.) 

"  YEH,   Imperial  High    Commissioner,   fyc.  fyc.  $-c.,  addresses  tiis  declaration  to 
ME.  PABKES,  the  British  Ccnsul  at  Canton. 

"I  have  received  your  letter  of  yesterday,  and  have  well  weighed  the  contents. 
The  men  of  the  Arrow  were  seized  on  the  information  of  HWANG -LEEN-K.AE, 


a  merchant  of  LiN-HiN,  whose  vessel  was  plundered  in 
September  last  ,by  pirates,  among  whom  ho  swears  was 
LE-MiNG-TAE,  one  of  the  crew  of  the  Arrow.  This  man, 
HwANG-liEEN-KAE  recognised  on  board  the  lorcha  as  he 
sailed  past  her  yesterday  on  his  arrival  in  the  rirer.  I 
send  back  nine  of  the  men  against  whom  (here  seems  no 
legal  cause  of  complaint.  I  keep  back  the  alleged  pirate, 
LEANG-KEES-Eoo,  another  of  the  crew  who  was  engaged 
by  the  helmsman  at  the  same  time  with  him  (and  who  is 
also  stated  on  the  evidence  of  Woo-AriN,  to  hare  been 
concerned  in  the  piratical  attack  on  the  ship  of  HWANG- 
LlOW-KAS)  and  Woo-AjiN,  who  has  given  evidence  both 
as  to  the  ownership  and  registration  of  the  Arrow, — showing 
that  the  Arrow  is  a  Chinese  and  not  a  British  vessel — and 
as  to  a  confession  of  the  alleged  piracy  by  LE-AliNG-TAE, 
and  the  other  man  whom  I  have  detained. 

"  I  trust  that  this  answer  will  satisfy  you  that  _  the 
taking  of  the  men  is  not  intended  as  an  insult  to  the  British 
flag,  but  that  they  were  seized  on  legal  grounds,  for  a 
serious  offence,  in  due  form  of  Chinese  law,  und  on  board 
a  Chinese  vessel.  1  hope  that  the  promptness  with  \\liieli 
1  have  given  tin's  explanation,  and  sent  back  all  the  men 
not  under  actual  examination,  will  satisfy  you  that  I  have 
done  nothing  for  which  any  apology  is  required,  and  si  ill 
less  for  which  I  and  this  City  need  fear  any  of  the  con- 
sequences to  which  you  refer  in  your  letter. 

"  Hieng-Fung,  fjth  year,  QIA  month,  l$t/i  day" 

(A  True  Translation.    PUNCH.) 

(With  SIR  JOHN  BOWBING'S  Detpateh  to  MR.   PAUSES 
in  answer  to  his  letter  of  the  9A4.) 

(Private.) 

"Dear  PARKES,  "Hong  Kong,  Oct.  11. 

"  I  'm  afraid  you  have  been  in  rather  too  great  a 
hurry  to  punch  YEU'S  head ;  but  as  you  have  got  me  into 
the  mess,  I  suppose  I  must  see  you  through  it.  Why  the 
mischief  didn't  you  satisfy  yourself  before  making  any  row 
in  the  case,  that  the  Arrow  had  a  right  to  fly  the  British 
flag?  Then  we  should  have  been  all  right.  But,  as  il  is. 
it  is  as  elear  as  that  two  and  two  make  four,  that  she  had 
no  such  right  whatever ;  her  registry,  by  virtue  of  which 
alone  she  hoists  our  colours,  having  expired  on  the  27 W  ult. 

"Luckily — as  you  say — YEH  doesn't  take  this  point,  so 
that  we  have  a  loophole  left  to  creep  out  of/  "  De  non  exist- 
entibus  et  non  apparenttbus  eadem  eat  ratio,  as  NOY  puts  it 
in  his  maxims, — a  work  which  I  dare  say  you  never  read. 
By  the  bye,  it  would  be  just  as  well  if  you  would  read  a 
little  international  law.  You  see  the  Chinese  are  a  remark- 
able people.  Their  system  of  competitive  examinations 
secures  great  administrative  ability.  YEH  is  a  highly 
educated,  and  very  superior  man,  somewhat  obdurate,  espe- 
cially when  he  is  in  the  right,  but  quite  able  to  chop  logic, 
or  hold  a  diplomatic  argument  with  you,  or,  indeed,  with 
myself.  I  am  daily  more  and  more  sensible  how  lucky  it  is 
for  England  that  I  am  in  my  present  position.  As  one  of 
the  few  men  of  letters  who  have  attained  eminent  success, 
and  high  official  position  in  the  British  service,  I  am  fitted, 
perhaps,  better  than  most  of  my  diplomatic  brethren,  to 
cop;;  with  the  literary  ability  of  Chinese  officialism. 

But,  really,  if  you  get  us  into  many  rows  of  this  kind,  I 
cannot  answer  for  bringing  cither  vou  or  myself  creditably 
out  of  the  scrape.  The  plara  English  of  it  is,  1  hat  we  haven't 
a  legal  leg  to  stand  upon,  so  I  have  ordered  up  SEYMOUR 
and  the  oig  guns.  You  will  see  I  have  only  given  YEH 
forty-eight  nours  to  make  his  apology  in.  Literary  men 
as  a' class  are  not  easily  led  to  abandon  their  view  of  a  case, 
especially  when  they  stand  on  such  really  strong  ground  as 
YEH  does.  And  as  to  consequences,  I  am  afraid  I  must 
own  to  a  little  sympathy  with  him  in  his  disregard  of  them. 
"Ever  yours,  JOHN  BOWRING." 

(H.BJI.  Consul  to  IT.B.M.  Plenipotentiary.'] 

(Private.) 
"H.B.M.  Consulate,  Canton,  Oct.  15. 

"My  dear  SIR  JOHN, 

"  I  feel  the  full  force  of  your  letter.  We  are  in  a 
hobble.  It  is  a  great  comfort  YEII  does  not  take  the 
point  of  the  expiration  of  registry.  He  still  refuses  all 
apology,  but  reiterates  his  assertion  of  this  lorcha  being  a 
Chinese  and  not  a  British  vessel.  Though  this  is  quite 
true,  he  does  not  put  it  on  a  legal  ground,  and  I  have 
therefore  directed  ELLIOT  to  seize  an  imperial  juuk. 

"Yours  faithfully,  H.  S.  PARKES." 


JANUARY  24,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


33 


(H.S.M.  Consul  to  COMMISSIONER  YEH.) 

"  Oct.  21. 

"  If  you  don't  apologise  in  twenty-four  hours  I  '11  batter  your  house 
about  your  ears.  It 's  all  nonsense  arguing  the  point  about  the  owner- 
ship of  the  lorcha  and  the  law  of  the  case.  Apologise,  or  it  will  be  the 
worse  for  you. 

"II.  S.  PARKES." 

(A  True  Translation.    PUNCH.) 

(If.B.M.  Consul  to  SIR  MICHAEL  SEYMOUR.) 

(Private.) 
"  My  dear  SIB  MICHAEL,  "  Oct.  22. 

"  Old  YEH  sticks  to  his  case.  If  you  can  take  the  Bogue 
forts  it  may  convince  him  he  's  in  the  wrong-. 

"  Ever  yours,  H.  S.  PARKES." 

"  COMMISSIONER  YEH,  $c.  frc.  fyc.,  addresses  this  declaration  to  MR. 
PARKES,  fyc.  £fc. 

"  You  tell  me  your  Admiral  has  taken  the  Bogue  forts.  I  know  it — 
and  I  am  sorry  for  it — but  taking  twenty  forts  will  not  make,  black 
white,  nor  force  me  to  make  an  apology  when  I  am  conscious  of  having 
done  no  wrong.  You  English  profess  to  reverence  Heaven,  to  pray  in 
your  churches  on  Sundays,  and  to  esteem  justice.  How  do  youreeoncile 
all  these  with  your  taking  the  Bogue  forts  in  this  case  ? 

"  Hieng-Ftittg,  CM  year,  StA  month}  27M  day." 

(True  Translation.     PUNCH.) 

(Oct.  25  SIB  MICHAEL  SEYMOUR  reports  to  SIR  JOHN  BOWBING 
the  talcing  of  the  Blenheim,  and  Macao  forts.  Still  no  apoloqy. 

The  26V/4,  being  Sunday,  teas  observed  as  a  day  of  rest.  )t,  is  clear  that 
Jlritons  DO  respect  the  Sunday,  for  all  the  COMMISSIONER  Y~EU'S  offensive 
insinuation!:.} 

(Sis  MICHAEL  SEYMOUB  to  H.B.M.  CONSUL  PAKKES.) 

(Private.) 
"  My  dear  PAKKES,  "  Oct.  27. 

"  I  am  really  ashamed  to  go  on  pitching  into  these  helpless 
Chinamen  in  this  style,  especially  while  they  are  in  the  right  and  we 
in  the  wrong. 

"  But,  if  I  must  give  them  more  powder  and  shot,  can't  you  manage 
to  find  me  a  decent  excuse  ?  Suppose  you  insisted  on  YEH'S  receiving 
my  call  ?  If  he  don't,  I  shall  have  no  objection  to  blow  him  and  his 
Yamun  into  the  middle  of  next  week.  Couldn't  you  put  our  right  on 
the  old  Treaties  of  1842—46  ? 

"  Ever  yours,  M.  SEYMOUR." 

(H.S.M.  Consul  to  ADMIRAL  SIR  M.  SEYMOUR.) 
"  My  dear  SEYMOUR,  "  Oct.  27. 

"  You  are  our  preserver.  I  shall  at  once  insist  on  YEH'S 
receiving  you.  I  am  afraid  the  Treaties  are  rather  stale  to  revive  very 
HIVdively,  but  I  will  try  it  on. 

"  Yours  sincerely,  H.  S.  PARKES." 

"Oct.  27. 

"  The  Imperial  Commissioner  makes_  this  declaration  to  H.  S.  PARKES, 
British  Consul  at  Canton.  '  You  insist  on  YEH'S  receiving  your 
Admiral.  YEH  says  nay.' " 

(True  Translation.    PUNCH.) 

(ff.B.M.  Consul  to  H.B.M.  Plenipotentiary.) 
"  My  dear  SIR  JOHN,  "  Canton,  Oct.  28. 

"  It 's  all  right  at  last.  I  am  sure  you  will  be  relieved  to  hear 
that  YEH  refuses  to  receive  SEYMOUR.  We  have  a  clear  right  under 
the  Treaties  to  insist  on  his  doing  so.  The  consequences  of  the 
refusal  be  on  his  own  head. 

"Faithfully  yours,  H.  S.  PARKES." 

(H.B.M.  Plenipotentiary  to  H.~B.N.  Consul.} 
"  My  dear  PARKES,  "  Hong  Kong,  Oct.  29. 

I  am  delighted  that  you  and  SEYMOUR  have  got  on  legal 
ground  at  last,  though  1  wish  we  had  insisted  on  the  Treaties  a  little 
sooner.  1  'm  afraid  we  may  be  told  at  home  that  the  Statute  of  Limi- 
tations applies  to  the  case. 

But  we  have  gone  too  far  to  recede.  Tell  SEYMOUR  to  blaze  away, 
but  to  kill  as  few  people  as  possible,  and  not  to  destroy  more  private 
property  than  is  absolutely  necessary.  My  heart  bleeds  for  these 
infatuated  Chinese.  I  can't  understand  YEH'S  holding  out  against 
SEYMOUR  s  guns,  though  I  admit  he  had  the  best  of  it  against  your 
arguments..  I  know  that  under  similar  circumstances  I  should  have 
thought  twice  before  refusing  an  apology.  In  an  ancient  Spartan  or 
a  modern  Swiss,  YEH'S  conduct  might  be  called  heroic.  In  a  Chinaman 
it  is  culpably  obstinate,  and  cannot  be  submitted  to  for  a  moment. 

"  Yours,  in  haste,  JOHN  BOWBINK." 
(And  so  for  the  next  fortnight  tke  Admiral  blazed  away  with  a  com- 


fortable conscience.  YEH  will  know  another  time  what  it  is  to  refuse 
to  receive  a  British  Admiral  when  he  does  him  the  honour  to  volunteer 
a  call.) 

CLICQUOT    TRANSLATED. 

FOR  the  freedom  of  Europe,  assailed  by 
a  CZAR, 

I  could  not  think  of  plunging  my  coun- 
try in  war, 

And  1  was,  as  before  his  lamented  de- 
cease. 

Mighty  NICHOLAS  named  me,  (ho  Angel 
of  Peace. 

Do  you  note  what  a  change  lias  come 

over  my  wings  ? 
(As  an  Angel,  you  know,  I  of  course 

have  such  things.) 
Do  you  see  they  have  grown  like  to 

those  of  a  bat  ? 
Do  you  mark  (hat  my  face  is  as  black 

as  your  hat  ? 

How  queer,  too,  my  feet  have  got, 
don't  you  remark  ? 

Why  have  they  become  cloven ;  why 
look  I  thus  dark, 

With  my  pinions,  once  white,  turned  to 

what  they  now  are, 
And  the  Angel  of  Peace  to  the  Demon  of  Wai-  P 

What  has  made  me,  so  chary  of  bloodshed  before, 
Now  ready  to  deluge  the  fair  Earth  with  gore, 
To  send  forth  my  subjects  to  slay  and  be  slain, 
Leaving  me  o'er  their  widows  and  orphans  to  reign  ? 

Why,  I,  blind  to  honour,  and  justice,  and  right, 
For  my  Fatherland  who  had  no  stomach  to  fight, 
By  hurt  pride  and  conceit  am  transformed  as  you  see, 
And  wish  Fatherland's  children  to  battle  for  me. 


WAYS  AND  MEANS. 

THE  question  which,  just  at  present,  chiefly  occupies  attention,  is 
how  to  provide  for  the  abolition  of  the  Income-Tax  by  just  as  well  as 
necessary  taxation.  To  this  end  we  have  received  various  suggestions. 

A  young  ladv  proposes  the  imposition  of  an  additional  tax  upon 
cigars  ;  on  all  dogs  except  King  Charles's  spaniels,  Skye  terriers,  and 
Italian  greyhounds ;  on  guns ;  on  yachts  and  wager-boats ;  on  canes 
and  walking-sticks. 

Several  young  gentlemen  recommend  a  tax  on  Crinoline ;  on  bando- 
line ;  on  eau-de-Cologne ;  patchouli,  and  all  other  perfumes  ;  on  buns ; 
on  ices ;  on  bouquets,  pianos,  and  white  satin  shoes. 

Various  individuals  connected  with  Exeter  Hall  urge  the  enactment 
of  a  tax  upon  theatrical  performances  ;  all  concerts  of  a  secular  nature ; 
casinos ;  masquerades,  whether  public  or  private ;  races ;  dog-fights ; 
and  evening  parties. 

By  sundry  adherents  of  the  Band  of  Hope,  an  increase  in  the  taxation 
of  malt  and  hops,  and  all  fermented  or  spirituous  liquors,  is  advocated. 
Divers  publicans,  on  the  other  hand,  desire  an  augmentation  of  the 
duty  on  tea  and  coffee,  and  the  addition  of  a  Government  per-centage 
to  the  water  rate. 

The  Vegetarians  generally  contend  for  a  tax  on  butchers'  meat ;  the 
homoeopatnists  for  an  increase  of  duty  on  all  articles  of  the  Materia 
Medica,  and  a  special  tax  on  allopathic"  prescriptions. 

|  Paterfamilias  "  is  in  favour  of  a  tax  upon  lodging-houses. 

"  An  Old  Bachelor  "  wishes  for  a  tax  on  the  following  articles : — 
Hard-bake,  lollipops,  toffee ;  toys ;  rusks,  tops-and-bottoms;  wet-nurses ; 
cats ;  perambulators ;  violet-powder ;  and  cables. 


Financial  Hocus  Focus. 

WITH  a  view  to  disarm,  in  some  measure,  the  growing  opposition  to 
the  Income-Tax,  it  is,  we  understand,  the  intention  of  the  Government 
to  direct  the  various  collectors,  in  all  possible  cases,  to  extract  the 
amount  due  under  Schedule  D  from  the  payer  under  the  influence  of 
chloroform. 

SATURNALIA   IN   THE    BOUDOIR. 

THE  fashion  of  inflating  ladies'  dresses  has  so  far  reversed  the 
relative  positions  of  mistress  and  servant,  that  it  is  now  usually  the 
lady's  maid  who  has  to  blow  the  lady  up. 


34 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  24,  1857. 


A    FRIENDLY    MOUNT. 

Party  (whose  nerve  is  not  what  it  used  to  be).  "  You  ARE  QUITE  SURE,  CHARLES,  THAT  HE  's  TEMPERATE  ?  " 

Charles.  "On,  YES!  COME  ALONG!  Do  YOU  THINK  I  SHOULD  LET  you  RIDE  HIM  IF  HE  WASN'T  ?  WHY  YOU  MIGHT  KILL  THE  HOUSE!  " 

[Nervous  Parly  is  much  flattered  by  the  consideration  of  Friend. 


THE  OBGANIZATION  OP  PLUNDER. 

THE  rapidly  increasing  respectability  of  the  profession  of  theft  and 
roguery,  attested  not  only  by  the  names  of  the  several  eminent  parties 
who  have  of  late  adopted  that  profession,  but  also  by  the  opulence 
which  has  been  acquired  by  many  of  its  practitioners,  suggests  the 
expediency  of  organizing  the  predatory  and  fraudulent  community  in 
a  similar  manner  to  that  of  the  organization  of  other  professional 
bodies. 

When  a  gentleman  such  as  MR.  AGAR,  celebrated  in  connection  with 
bullion,  is  found  to  have  been  in  possession  of  as  much  as  £3,000, 
amassed  by  perseverance  in  dishonest  industry;  when  we  find  such 
gentlemen  with  balances  at  their  bankers,  and  operating  on  the  Stock 
Exchange,  as  well  as  in  some  more  public  places,  besides  private  resi- 
dences and  pockets ;  we  clearly  perceive  that  the  time  for  moral  and 
social  combination  among  those  gentlemen  has  arrived. 

The  particular  gentleman  whose  name  we  take  the  liberty  of  men- 
tioning, MR.  AGAR,  is,  as  is  well  known,  under  sentence  of  transpor- 
tation for  life.  To  an  individual  of  that  respectability  which  is  implied 
in  £3,000,  this  position  must  be  peculiarly  distressing.  If  rogues  and 
thieves  would  constitute  themselves  a  corporate  body,  misfortunes  of 
the  kind  alluded  to,  might,  by  various  means,  be  averted  from  the  sort 
of  gentleman  indicated.  A  Charter  might  be  'eventually  obtained, 
empowering  the  Corporation  of  Thieves,  like  some  other  Corporations, 
to  rob  the  public  with  impunity. 

It  is  in  the  first  place  [proposed  to  found  a  College  of  Thieves,  at 
which  lectures  shall  be  delivered,  with  practical  demonstrations,  on 
the  various  branches  of  swindling  and  stealing.  The  importance  of 
education  to  the  thief  is  now  fully  recognised ;  and  it  is  earnestly  to 
be  hoped  that  sectarian  prejudices  will  not  interfere  to  deprive  him  of 
that  inestimable  blessing.  Little  difference  may  be  expected  to  prevail 
among  the  predatory  classes,  either  as  to  the  propriety,  or  the  method, 
of  combining  religious  with  secular  instruction. 

The  College  of  Thieves  will  grant  diplomas  in  the  various  branches 


of  the  profession,  and  these  distinctions  will  give  the  gentlemen  on 
whom  they  are  conferred  a  social  status  superior  to  that  of  unlicensed 
practitioners. 

A  Thieves'  Mutual  Assurance  Society  will  also  be  established  in 
connection  with  the  College,  to  the  end  of  securing  a  decent  mainte- 
nance for  the  widows  and  orphans  of  such  of  the  members  as  may  come 
to  be  hanged,  or  for  the  wives  and  children  from  whom  others  may  be 
separated  by  transportation.  It  is  not  anticipated  that  there  will  be 
felt  any  great  want  of  confidence  in  the  projected  institution.  The 
Bullion  Case  has,  indeed,  cast  some  little  doubt  on  the  hitherto  received 
maxim  of  "  Honour  among  Thieves  ;  "  but  other  cases  have  thrown 
as  much  doubt  on  the  presumption  of  the  existence  of  honour  among 
commercial  gentlemen ;  and  if,  as  has  been  said,  a  Board  has  no  con- 
science, there  can  be  little  difference,  except  in  name,  between  a  Com- 
pany and  a  Gang.  In  fact,  the  distinction  between  a  rogue  and  an 
honest  man  so  called,  is  now  very  generally  felt  to  exist  merely  in  name ; 
and  censure,  as  in  a  nation  of  antiquity,  regards  not  crime  but  detec- 
i  tiqn.  Education,  therefore,  will  tend  to  preserve  the  character  of  the 
j  thief,  by  developing  those_  talents  which  will  enable  him  not  to  get 
found  out :  and  the  maintenance  of  respectability  will  be  further 
insured  by  a  system  of  co-operation  calculated  to  frustrate  those  objects 
which  are  vulgarly  termed  the  ends  of  justice. 


TISCAL  NURSERY  RHYMES. 


SING  a  song  of  Income, 

Taxed,  under  Schedule  D, 
As  high  as  rent,  or  interest 

Of  funded  property. 
When  the  wrong  is  pondered, 

Its  infamy  is  seen. 
Isn't  this  a  pretty  tax 

To  levy  for  ths  QUEEN  ? 


The  QUEEN  is  in  hercountinghousp, 
Shocked  to  count  the  money. 

PRINCE  ALBERT  's  at  his  pastime, 
Shooting  hare  and  cony. 

Poor  TOMKINS  to  the  workhouse, 
His  savings  robbed  of,  goes : 

For  down  came  the  Income-Tax, 

"   And  stripped  him  of  those. 


JASUAUT  24,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


37 


THE    LAUREATE    ON    THE    NEW    YEAR. 

\-  the  19th  January,  1807, 
exact  ly  fifty  years  ago,  our 
Tit.i>'t  v,  :>s  late,  and  we  had 
nearly  finished  breakfast 
before  it  arrived.  Conse- 
quently, when  it  did  conic 
(having  an  engagement  with 
the  DUKE  OF  YORK,  who  was 
just  about  to  be  impeached 
by  COLONEL  WAKDLE)  we 
put  the  paper  into  our 
pocket,  instead  of  leaving  it 
on  the  mahogany  slab  in  the 
hall  for  the,  then  news-boy 
(now  the  Venerable  Ancii- 
DEACON  *  *  *  *  *),  and  it 
is  still  in  our  possession. 

Happening  to  look  into 
it,  we  observe  an  Ode  for 
the  New  Year,  by  the  Poet 
Laureate.  This  official's 
name,  at  that  time,  was 
PYE.  Now  it  is  TENNYSON. 
Had  the  present  Poet 
Laureate  seen  fit  to  an- 
nounce an  Ode  on  the 
present  new  year,  we  should 
not  have  felt  it  our  duty  to 
look  for  one  elsewhere,  because  we  have  a  good  deal  of  confidence  in 
Mil.  T.,  and  we  think  that  what  it  was  desirable  to  say  he  would  have 
said  delectably.  But  as  MB.  MOXON  gives  no  sign  that  he  is  in  pos- 
session of  "  copy  " — advertises  no  Ode  for  the  New  Year — we  are  thrown 
upon  our  own  resources.  And  as  nobody  in  the  world  can  possibly  have 
heard  of  MR.  PYE'S  Ode  for  forty-nine  years  and  three  hundred  and 
sixty-four  days,  we  cannot  see  why  it  should  not  do  over  again,  with  a 
few  notes,  showing  its  adaptation  to  existing  circumstances.  For  one 
year  is  very  like  another. 

The  first  verse  contains  eighteen  lines,  in  which  the  question  is  asked 
whether  a  sailor  in  a  storm  yields  himself  to  inaction,  and  the  answer 
is  given  "  No  " — that  he  says  his  prayers  and  mans  the  mainsail-top- 
gallant-brace, or  performs  whatever  other  nautical  manoeuvre  may  be 
shipshape.  Tin's  proposition  may  be  admitted.  Now  for  the  application. 
What  was  true  in  1807  is  true  in  1857. 

"  So,  though  around  our  sea-encircled  reigu. 
The  dreadful  tempest  seem  to  lower, 

Dismayed  do  Britain's  hardy  train 

Awmt  in  doubt  tbo  threat'niug  hour  ?  l 

Lo  !  to  hia  sons,  with  cheering  voice, 

Albion's  bold  Genius  2  calls  aloud  ; 

Around  him  valiant  myriads  crowd, 

Or  death  or  victory  their  choice  ; 3 

From  ev'ry  port  astouish'd  Europe  sees 

Britannia's  white  sails4  swelling  with  the  breeze  ; 

Not  her  imperial  barks  alone 

Awe  the  proud  foe  on  every  side,5 

Commerce  her  vessels  launches  on  the  tide, 

And  her  indignant  sons  awhile 

Seceding  from  their  wonted  toil,6 

Turn  tVoui  DJC  arts  of  ixjace  their  care, 

Hurl  from  each  deck  tile  bolts  oJ  war. 
To  sweep  th'  injurious  boasters  from  the  Main," 
Who  dare  to  circumscribe  Britannia's  naval  reign." 

1.  We  should  think  not.  2.  Mr.  Punch.  3.  Preferably  the  latter, 
of  course.  4.  For  "  white  sails  swelling  with  "  read  "  funnels  smoking 
m."  5.  This  is  Ode  slang,  but  it  means  that  the  General  Screw  and 
P.  and  O.  boats  carry  guiis.  6.  Pronounced  tile,  in  poetry.  7.  Or  read 

"  To  smash  the  injurious  Pig-tails,  who  again 
Have  aared  to  treat  Sia  J.  D.  BOWRING  with  disdain." 

The  next  verse  is  excessively  noble  and  retrospective. 

"  And  see  with  emulative  zeal 

Our  hosts  congenial  ardour  feel ; 

The  ardent  spirit,  that  of  yore 

Flaui'd  high  on  Gallia's1  vanquish 'd  shore; 
Or  buru'd  by  Danube's'  distant  flood, 
When  flow'd  his  current  tiag'd  with  Gallic3  blood  ; 
Or  shoue  on  Lincelles'4  later  fight : 
Or  fir'd  by  Acre's  tow'rs  the  Christian's  Knight ; 
Or  taught  on  Maida's  fields  the  Gaul  to  feel, 
Urg'd  by  the  Briton's  arm,  the  British  steel ; 
Now  in  our  breasts  with  he:U  redoubled  glows, 
And  gleams  dismay  and  death  oil  Europe's  ruthless  foes.5  " 

1.  Gallia  means  France.  2.  A  large  river  of  Europe.  3.  Trench. 
4.  Ha  !  we  have  you.  You  have  laughed,  in  your  geographical  hauteur. 
at  the  three  preceding  annotations— now  tell  us  what  Lincelles  is,  and 
who  foiight  the  later  light,  and  when?  A  copy  of  Mr.  Punch's  Pocket- 
Book  shall  be  given  to  any  lady  or  gentleman  who  will  solemnly  assure  j 


us,  on  honour,  that,  without  looking  into  a  single  book,  he  or  she 
answered  that  the  battle  was  fought  between  France  and  Austria, 
England  siding  with  the  latter,  on  the  18th  of  August.  171'3.  5.  The 
verse  will  do,  but  we  propose  to  read,  for  the  last  couplet, 

"  Now  bids  us  force  JOHN  CHINAMAN  to  blows. 
His  teacups  break,  and  further  flatten  his  fiat  nose." 

The  fourth  and  last  verse  of  the  Poet  Laureate's  Ode  runs  thus  : — 

"  Not  to  Ambition's  specious  charm, 

Not  to  th'  ensanguiii'd  Despot's  hand, 
Is  conquest  bound— a  mightier  Arm 

Than  Earth's  proud  tyrants  ran  withstand. 
The  balance  holds  of  human  fate, 
liaises  the  low  and  sinks  the  groat, 
Exerting  then  in  Juirnpe's  cause 
Each  energy  of  arm  and  mind, 
All  that  from  force  or  skill  the  warrior  draws, 

Yet  to  Superior  Power  resign'd, 
Whose  high  behest  all  Nature's  movements  guides, 
Controls  the  battle's  and  the  ocean's  tides  ; 
Britaiu  still  hopes  that  Heav'u  her  vows  will  hear. 
While  Mercy  rears  her  shield  and  Justice  points  her  spear." 

By  reading  this  verse  carefully  about  eleven  times,  and  not  allowing 
yourself  to  be  confused  by  the  pertinacious  inversions  thereof,  you  may 
gradually  discover  the  meaning,  which  we  take  to  be  nearly  unobjection- 
able. It  is  not  in  mortals  to  command  success,  but  if  we  do  all  we  can, 
we  may  take  our  chance,  provided  we  are  humane  to  the  vanquished, 
and  never  go  to  war  except  for  just  cause.  Tin's  latter  proviso,  the 
poet,  after  the  fashion  of  his  school,  puts  at  the  end  of  all  tilings ;  and 
indeed,  as  it  is  usually  the  last  thing  thought  of,  it  may  be  said  to  be 
in  the  right  place.  Well,  the  verse  answers  the  purpose  of  the 
campaign  of  1857,  and 

"  Britain  still  hopos  Tea  will  not  bo  more  dear 
Along  of  ADMIRAL  S.,  both  cruel  and  sewere." 

And  even  if  the  moral  of  the  poem  should  not  at  once  strike  con- 
viction, there  is  another  moral  which  must  go  home  to  every  careful 
heart.  We  have  been  taking  care  of  this  Ode  for  exactly  fifty  years, 
and  behold  we  find— what  we  never  expected — a  use  for  it  at  last.  To 
adapt  a  celebrated  maxim,  "  Burn  no  man's  poems ;  some  day  you  may 
want  a  poet  of  your  own." 


"FEOM   THE   DON  TO  THE   GANGES." 

"  AMONG  all  the  studies  to  which  human  attention  can  be  directed, 
none  is  more  pleasing  and  profitable  than  Geography."  This  touching 
passage  in  an  essay  of  Mr.  Punch's,  written  long  anterior  to  his  being 
invested  with  the  toga  virilis,  has  been  suggested  to  his  memory  by  the 
foltowing  extract  from  the  Calcutta  Englishman.  This  journal,  in 
criticising  an  _  article  by  our  respected  contemporary  the  Examtner, 
upon  the  Persian  war,  and  the  possible  advance  of  Russia  upon  India, 
observes : — 

"  The  ExamiTttr  is  a  very  poor  authority  upon  Indian  military  matters,  for  he 
says  that  a  Russian  army,  after  boating  us  on  the  Indus,  '  would  have  a  march  of 
1,500  miles  to  make  in  order  to  reach  the  powerfully  fortified  British  Capital  in  the 
marshes  of  Bengal.'  Think  of  that,  GENERAL  TODTLEBEN.  Sevastopol  is  nothing  to 
Calcutta.  All  your  skill  would  be  unavailing  to  cross  the  Chitpore  Canal,  for  that 
is  the  only  fortification  we  know  of.  Fort  William,  it  is  true,  is  at  the  opposite  end 
of  Calcutta,  and  if  its  ramparts  were  not  shaken  down  by  its  own  fire,  might 
demolish  the  town  in  a  short  time,  but,  aa  for  defending  it,  that  is  totally  out  of  the 
question." 

Now,  a  geographical  dictionary,  of  respectable  proportions,  would 
have  contained  such  a  description  of  Calcutta  as  might  nave  prevented 
our  friend  the  Examiner  from  falling  into  the  Chitpore  Canal,  and — 

Stop !  A  dark  thought  crosses  us.  Is  treachery  afoot  ?  Did  the 
Exuminci — bribed  with  llussian  gold— desire  to  mystify  pur  military 
authorities,  and  to  delude  them  into  permitting  a  Kussian  army  to 
advance  upon  Calcutta  ?  That  those  authorities  should,  of  themselves, 
know  anything  of  the  subject,  is  out  of  the  question— that  they  rely 
upon  the  English  press  tor  information  and  guidance  is  notorious. 
And  the  Examiner  has  betrayed  them ! 

Tower-Hill !  Arc  there  no  Axes  left,  save  what  serve  for  the  moon's 
rotation — no  Blocks,  save  Metropolitan  central  boarders?  Well, 
Parliament  meets  in  a  few  days,  and  we  counsel  the  Examiner  to 
obtain  passports  for  some  region  where  ex-tradition  is  unknown.  "  A 
manifest  traitor !  " 

Height  of  Liberality. 

A.N  unselfish  Manager,  inspired  by  the  generosity  of  the  season, 
exhibits  the  bills  of  other ,  Managers'  pantomimes,  by  the  side  of  his 
own,  in  front  of  his  theatre. 


A   PASSAGE   THROUGH   LIFE  TO  BE  AVOIDED. 

THE  heart  of  a  Coquette  may  be  compared  to  the  Exeter  Change 
Arcade,  where  there  is  always  a  shop  to  be  let,  or  in  wliich  the  tenant 
rarely  stops  long ! 


38 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  24,  1857. 


THE    SPRING    ASSIZES. 


GST  likely  the  Winter  is  not  as  yet  gone, 
And  we  may  have  frost,  snow,  and  seating  anon, 
But  I  feel,  from  afar,  the  oncoming  of  Spring ; 
A  redbreast,  this  morning,  I  heara  softly  sing. 

Up  the  window-pane  crawling,  moreover,  saw  I 
A  naif-awake,  half-asleep,  blue-bottle  fly. 
The  foretaste  of  Spring  1  perceived  in  my  soul 
Had  aroused  him  as  well :   made  him  creep 
from  his  hole. 

Next,  casting  my  eyes  on  the  paper,  I  saw 

That  in  Westminster  Hall  met,  the  Sages  of  Law, 

The  Judges,  inspired  by  that  influence  bland, 

The  Spring  Circuit,  likewise,  had  yesterday  planned. 


The  season  of  Oycr  and  Tcrmincr  's  near, 

The  crocus  and  snowdrop  will  shortly  appear, 

Of  gaols  the  delivery  general  is  nigh, 

And  the  primrose  and  cowslip  win  blow  by-and-by. 

With  the  Spring  the  Assizes  the  first  of  all  come, 
Ere  opens  a  flower  whereupon  bee  can  hum  ; 
The  judges  of  wig  and  robe  break  out  in  bloom, 
Before  opened  violets  shed  their  perfume. 

The  Courts  will  soon  sit,  all  in  legal  array. 
Besides  other  courtship  on  VALENTINE'S  Day. 
In  whose  Court,  unlike  Kisi  Prius  and  Crown, 
The  most  of  the  pleaders  will  not  wear  the  gown. 

Their  lordships,  the  judges,  will  try  all  the  thieves, 
And  then  trees  and  hedges  put  forth  their  young  leaves, 
My  lords  will  doom  convicts  to  punishment  meet, 
Whilst  newly-born  lambs  in  their  innocence  bleat. 

Majestic  in  robes,  and  tremendous  in  wigs, 

On  stealers  of  horses,  sheep,  oxen,  and  pigs, 

They  will  sentence  pronounce  ;  and  correct  evil  swains, 

With  plunder  and  rapine  infesting  the  plains. 

I  hail  the  Assizes  of  Spring,  which  precede 

The  hawthorn  in  blossom,  and  fresh  verdant  mead, 

So  smiling,  so  brilliant,  so  gay  to  behold, 

With  cuckoo-flowers  spangled,  and  marsh-marigold. 

The  judge  on  the  bench  as  the  herald  I  view 

Of  the  daisies  and  buttercups,  speedily  due, 

Of  the  nightingale  too,  and  all  small  birds  of  song, 

Which  perhaps  we  may  mention  the  "Black.Cap"  among. 


An  Aity  Nothing. 

MR.  THOMAS  CARLYLE  is  requested  to  state  whether 
he  does  not  think  that  if  certain  gentlemen  deserve  the 
name  of  Wind-bag,  a  lady  whose  petticoats  arc  distended 
with  air  might  not  be  correctly  denominated  a  Wind- 
baggage  ? 


A  SAVAGE   CUSTOM. 

BY  DK.  LIVINGSTON'S  accounts,  which  we  rejoice  in  having  lately 
had  the  opportunity  to  audit,  we  are  informed  that  the  natives  of  the 
Central  parts  of  Africa  bear,  in  many  points,  by  no  means  an  unfavour- 
able comparison  with  nations  far  more  highly  civilised:  indeed,  that 
several  of  their  manners  and  customs  might  with  advantage  be  adopted 
by  ourselves.  Their  marriage  laws,  however,  it  would  seem  from  what 
the  Doctor  says,  are  still  in  a  sadly  savage  state ;  and  had  we  any 
notion  of  committing  matrimony,  we  should  be  among  the  last  to  wish 
to  see  them  added  to  our  Statute  book.  Only  fancy  what  a  falling  off 
there  would  be  in  the  Doctors'  Commons  licence  business,  and  what  a 
mania  for  emigration  all  our  British  bachelors — except,  of  course,  the 
old  ones — would  suddenly  be  seized  with,  were  the  legislature  to  give 
sanction  to  such  notions  as  the  following : — 

"If  a  young  man  married  a  woman  of  a  neighbouring  village,  he  left  his  own  vil- 
lage and  went  to  live  with  his  mother-in-law.  It  was  .his  duty  to  pay  her  the 
greatest  respect,  and  to  supply  her  with  firewood.  Near  the  Zarabese  the  youug 
men  had  to  make  long  journeys  into  the  country  in  order  to  procure  firewood  for 
their  mothers-in-law. 

Just  imagine  the  effect  upon  the  marriageable  members,  were  a 
measure  framed  won  this  passage  to  be  introduced  next  Session, 
entitled  (say)  "  A  Bill  for  the  better  protection  of  Mothers-in-law  and 
for  more  effectually  providing  them  with  firewood."  Certainly,  if 
anything  were  wanted  to  confirm  our  previous  impression  of  the 
hopeless  state  of  barbarism  in  which  the  Central  Africans  are  sunk, 
their  laws  as  to  their  mothers-in-law  have  abundantly  supplied  it. 

Can  anything  be  conceived  more  truly  barbarous  than  this  sentencing  ( 

a  married  man  to  the  hard  labour  of  procuring  fuel  for  his  mother- 1  a  thing  or  two." 

ivi    Iniir  rrlm     Tt-ini»«   tim     +liinlr     f\f    if      4lio     i»invn     "nff*     fool      accnT*AM     flinf     nr»  A 1      1 J.1 TT 


A  PRECOCIOUS  NATION. — It  is  our  belief  that  every  French  literary 


THINGS  WHICH  NO  YOUNG  GENTLEMAN  WILL  EVER 
DO  IF  HE  CAN  HELP  IT. 

AKE  a  tour  on  the  Continent  without  letting  his 
moustache  grow. 

Allow  that  he  can  possibly  exist  for  four-and- 
tweuty  hours  without  nis  smoke. 

Betray  a  penchant  for  pastry  otherwise  than 
secretly  in  private  trips  to  the  confectioner's, 
alleging  in  public  that  '  it  spoils  one's  taste  for 
wine  so." 

Wear  boots  of  any  other  than  the  most  excru- 
ciating polish  and  proportions. 

Be  ever  caught  in  the  confession  that  he  thinks 
his  elder  brother  is  in  any  way  his  superior— age 
alone  excepted. 

Attend  an  evening  party  without  consuming  all 
the  ices  he  can  lay  his  hands  on. 

Suffer  the  servant  to  sit  up  for  him,  when  he 
thinks  he  has  a  chance  of  being  trusted  with  the 
latch-key. 

Refuse  a  full-flavoured  cigar  if  it  be  offered, 
although  he  more  than  half  anticipates  that  it  will 
make  him  sick. 

Escort  his  sisters  to  a  dance,  and  not  make 
himself  intensely  disagreeable    by    interrupting 
their  flirtations. 
Lose  an  opportunity  of  impressing  it  on  his  hearers  that  he  "knows 

in  any  way  applied  to 


And  lastly,  Ever  hear  the  word 


in-law.    The  more  we  think  of  it,  the  more  we  feel  assured  that  no       „„„ ;  _._  „„„  ^ s     ^          „, 

civilised  being  would  ever  dream  of  a  consent  to  it.  At  the  same  him  without  facially  expressing  his  extreme  disgust  at  it. 
time,  however,  we  cannot  help  admitting  that  although  with  us  a 
mother-in-law  has  not  as  vet  been  legally  invested  with  the  power  of 
making  her  daughter's  husband  go  and  cut  her  firewood,  still  her  in- 
fluence has  not  infrequently  proved  strong  enough  to  induce  him,  for  a 
time  at  least,  to  cut  his  stick. 


Perfidious  Albion  again! 


OF  course,  we  must  have  reparation  from  China  for  the  expence  to 
which  the  Chinese  Government  has  obliged  us  to  go,  in  placing  us 
under  the  necessity  of  bombarding  Canton.  This  will  probably  come 
in  the  shape  of  another  ^lot^of  Sycee  silver,  which  of  course  will  give 


.  , 

man,  from  the  age  of  five,  begins  to  think  of  writing  his  Memoires,  and  j  occasion  to  the  Asteniblee  Nationals  to  say  that  pur  motive  for  going  to 
accumulates  tittle-tattle  and  scandal  accordingly.  >  war  with  the  Celestial  Empire  was  simply  a  desire  for  change. 


JANUAHY  24,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


39 


MARY   ANN'S    NOTIONS. 

"  MY  DEAR.  MR.  PUNCH, 

"  I  HAVE  not  said  anything  about  Politics  in  any  of  my  letters,1 
but  I  beg  you  to  recollect  that  1  made  a  condition  when  I  began  to 
write  to  you,  that  no  subject  was  to  be  considered  out  of  my  sphere,-' 
and  as  to  a  woman's  not  understanding  politics,  that  is  all  fiddle  faddle 
when  you  look  at  the  ridiculous  idiots 3  who  profess  to  be  politicians, 
and  a  great  deal  of  good  they  do  to  the  nation  that  a  woman  could  not 
do  !  But  my  particular  reason  for  letting  the  mailer  alone  was,  because 
1  knew  that  as  soon  as  February  came  you  would  all  be  at  it  '  ding 
dong,  hammer  and  tongs,'  as  AUGUSTUS  sings,4  and  I  thought  that  in 
the  mean  time  you  might  as  well  not  be  diverted  from  something  of 
more  importance.  I  know  exactly  what  is  going  to  happen.  In  about 
a  fortnight  I  he.  precious  Parliament  assembles,  and  then  good  bye  to 
everything  rational.  For  mv  part,  I  always  wish  that  Papa  would 
discontinue  the  newspapers  during  the  time  Parliament  keeps  sitting, 
as  there  is  never  anything  to  read  that  is  worth  reading,  and  one  only 
gets  irritated  with  the  absurd  nonsense  that  is  talked  from  night  till 
morning. 

"I  never  could  understand  why  the  Parliament  docs  not  have  a 
newspaper  of  its  own,  and  not  spoil  ours  with  its  nonsense.  Surely 
such  a  wonderful  !  astonishing  !  eloquent  !  omnipotent  !  national ! 
assembly5  could  manage  to  keep  up  a  paper  for  itself,  and  if  it  thinks 
all  its  miracidous  wisdom  worth  printing,  print  it,  and  not  intrude  into 
other  places.  I  consider  it  all  very  mean  conduct,  but  that  is  just  like 
the  people  who  talk  most  of  their  liberality.  I  dare  say  that  the  very 
member  of  Parliament  who  would  go  up  to  the  House,  and  make  a 
grand  tirade  about  charity  and  the  jioor,  and  all  that,  would  shove  a 
poor  little  ragged  boy  that  begged  of  him  right  out  into  the  mud,  and 
then  look  round  and  growl  because  the  policemen  did  not  keep  the 
street  clear  of  beggars.8  I  have  not  the  least  faith  in  anybody  that 
proclaims  his  good  deeds,  and  as  for  defending  himself  by  saying  that 
the  poor  little  child  could  go  to  the  workhouse,  that  drives  me  out  of 
all  patience,  when  yon  know  quite  well  that  he  would  be  abused  for 
coming  there,  and  very  likely  beaten,  for  as  for  the  relieving  officers, 
you  can  easily  see  what  sort  of  wretches  they  are,  when  you  read  in  the 
Times  of  Saturday  last  that  the  relieving  officer  at  Mile  End  (and  he 
should  be  sent  miles  off,  if  I  had  my  way')  was  brought  before  the 
Magistrate  for  beating  and  kicking  his  wife.8  A  nice  person  to  send  a 
poor  ragged  child  to,  I  think ! 

"  But  what  I  was  going  to  say  was  this,  that  the  opening  of  Parlia- 
ment is  a  signal  for  leaving  off  attention  to  anything  that  ought  to  be 
attended  to.  Nothing  of  that  sort  will  get  into  the  newspapers  for 
erer  so  many  months.  There  is  some  check  upon  bad  people  while 
you  can  expose  them  in  the  press,  but  when  the  press  is  stuffed  up 
with  rigmarole  speeches,'  people  may  do  as  they  like,  for  there 's  no 
chance  of  complaints  getting  a  hearing.  I  do  not  mean  nonsense 
about  the  moon  going  round  and  round,  as  MR.  JELLYBAG  SOMEBODY  10 
says  she  does  or  does  not  (and  what  does  it  signify  ?),  or  ridiculous 
passengers  who  are  going  on  a  voyage  of  ten  thousand  miles11  and 
make  a  riot  because  their  rolls  are  not  hot  in  the  Red  Sea,12  or 
creatures  who  get  too  much  wine  at  their  clubs,  and  think  they  ought 
to  have  a  policeman  to  escort  them  to  their  bed-rooms,  and  feel  them 
selves  throttled  by  their  horrid  all-rounders  (and  I  'm  GLAD  of  it)  and 
fancy  they  are  being  garrotted.  Such  geese  ought  not  to  be  allowed 
to  write  in  newspapers  at  all.  But  if  a  real  abuse  comes,  and  one 
would  like  to  sec  it  shown  up,  it  is  either  neglected  altogether,  or 
put  into  a  few  words,  and  stuck  in  a  comer  which  no  one  sees. 
We  may  be  run  over  by  cabs,  or  imposed  upon  by  the  drivers,  or  we 
may  see  something  cruel  done,  or  we  may  feel  indignant  at  the 
police-magistrates  (who  have  no  more  hearts  than  stones,  and  take 
tilings  quietly  that  ought  to  make  them  boil  over  with  rage13)  or  box- 
keepers  may  have  been  rude  to  us,  or  servants  may  have  played  tricks 
with  false  characters,  or  letting  in  cousins  who  are  burglars,  or  fifty 
tilings,  and  not  one  of  these,  let  us  write  yards  upon  the  subject,  wiU 
be  printed  while  the  Parliament  sits  and  chatters.  For  this  reason, 
my  dear  Mr.  Punch,  and  because  it  makes  the  papers  so  stupid  and 
not  worth  reading,  I  consider  that  Parliament  is  a  great  nuisance, 
bhouldn't  I  eat  eh  it,"  if  Papa  knew  tliat  these  were  the  sentiments  of 


10  Never  cite  a  name  wrongly.     Nothing  is  in  such  bad  taste.     You  allude  to  MR. 
JELLINOKU  BYMONS,  whose  theory  may  be  wrong,  but  whose  courtesy  iu  maintaining 
it  is  a  rebuke  to  his  petulant  antagonists. 

11  Ten  thousand  miles  !     What  voyage  is  this,  chil.l? 

18  Can  you  allude  to  an  evasive  and  impertinent  defence  just  offered  on  behalf  of 
the  Peninsula  and  Oriental  Company  ? 

13  Justice  never  boils  over.     Head  Us. 

14  "  Bo  rebuked,"  you  mean,  Miss  MABY  AXN.     We  hope  you  do — and  that  you 

win. 


"Tuesday." 


"  Your  affectionate 


ANN." 


1  Or  we  should  have  struck  it  out. 

2  You  made  !    Come. 

3  You  have  used  this  rather  strong  appellation  in  a  former  letter.    Is  it  a  pet 
phrase  of  yours  ? 

4  CAPTAIN  MARRTAT. 

•  The  bitterness  of  your  irony,  dear,  inclines  to  monotony. 

He  would  be  right  to  refuse  street  alma,  because  they  usually  go  to  unworthy 
orueitv          8         °Ut  childro'1  to  b°£-    ^dies  are  the  great  encouragera  of  this 

'  Wo  print  this  epigram  that  you  may  see  it  in  type  and  be  ashamed  of  yourself. 

"This  unites  case  is  exceptional,  but  yon  are  right,  to  a  certain  extent.    The 

richouso  oflicial  is  apt  to  be  hard  and  coarse,  and  therefore  ought  to  be  rcKulai-ly 
looked  after  by  his  masters. 

>  We  have  not  curtailed  any  of  your  censures,  but  you  will  not  suppose  that  wo  ! 
have  not  the  highest  opinion  of  Parliament. 


THE  CHEAT  CLOCK  CASE. 

A  CORRESPONDENT  of  the  Times  complains,  with  a  warmth  which  is 
not  unpleasant  this  cold  weather,  -that  having  paid  to  see  the  Great 
Clock  of  St.  Paul's,  all  he  was  allowed  a  sight  of  was  the  wooden 
outside  case,  which  was  something  like  paying  to  see  WOMBWKU.'S 
menagerie,  and  being  shown  the  exterior  of  the  caravans  containing  it. 
We  are  not  aware  ourselves  how  the  case  really  stands,  but  it  would 
seem  from  this  statement,  that  the  Dean  and  Chapter  of  St.  Paul's,  in 
their  capacity  of  showmen,  have  also  become  sellers,  and  as  such  are 
amenable  to  the  law  forbidding  trading  in  the  Church.  The  disclosure 
will,  however,  doubtless  serve  to  prevent  their  doing  much  more 
business,  or  many  more  of  the  public  :  for  if  we  hear  of  any  one  now 
paying  the  initiatory  fee  of  twopence  for  the  privilege  of  seeing 
what  he  has  been  warned  he  won't  see,  we  shall  apply  to  his  ascent  to 
the  sight  which  is  invisible,  the  observation,  "  Twopence  more,  and  up 
goes  the  Donkey  !  " 


Pro-Slavery  Solecism. 

THE  Augusta  (U.S.)  Chronicle,  in  describing  the  sale  of  a  lot  of 
niggers,  makes  the  following  observation  :— 

"They  were  common  negroes — field  hands." 

Hath  a  negro,  then,  hands,  or  any  other  human  members  or  dimen- 
sions, in  the  opinion  of  an  advocate  for  bestial  slavery  ?  Does  he 
account  negroes  men?  Could  he  not  have  had  the  consistency, 
instead  of  "hands,"  to  have  written  "paws?" 


40 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JAXUAUT  24,  1857. 


FLUNKEIANA. 

Lady  of  the  House.  "Oil  THOMAS!    HAVE  THE  GOODNESS  TO  TAKE  UP  SOME  COALS  INTO  THE  NURSERY  !" 
Thomas.  "  H'M  !   MA'AM!    L?  YOU  ASK  IT  AS  A  FAVOUR,  MA'AM,  I  DON'T  so  MUCH  OBJECT;  BUT  I  'OPE  YOU  DON'T  TAKE  ME  FOK 
AN  'OusEMAiD,  MA'AM!" 


"BRUMMAGEM"  PIETY. 

WE  learn  from  a  paragraph  in  a  weekly  contemporary,  to  which,  of 
eonrse,  "a  press  of  more  important  matter  "  has  prevented  any  earlier 
allusion,  that  a  majority  of  the  Members  of  the  Birmingham  Town 
Council  have  acted  recently  in  such  a  manner  as  to  render  it  desirable 
to  have  their  portraits  taken,  and  sent  in  to  the  Association  for  wholly 
closing  Sunday,  as  candidates  for  the  Cant  Gallery  which  we  hear  is 
in  formation.  The  act  by  which  they  have  immortalised  themselves 
(for,  being  introduced  in  Punch,  their  reputation  is  undying)  has  been 
the  prohibition  of  a  concert  of  purely  sacred  music,  which  it  was  pro- 
posed to  give  in  their  Town  Hall  on  Christmas  Day.  at  prices  that 
would  render  it  accessible  by  "the  people."  The  debate  upon  the 
question  is  said  to  have  been  a  long  one,  and  in  proportion  to  its  length 
was  the  narrowness  of  mind  which  was  evinced  by  those  whose  votes 
had  the  majority.  As  a  sample  of  the  oratory  by  which  they  professed 
to  expound  their  views,  and  justify  their  opposition  to  the  leave  wliich 
was  applied  for,  we  are  told  that — 

"  One  expressed  his  opinion,  that  sacred  music  was  not  different  from  polkas, 
except  that  it  is  played  slower.  Another  observed,  that  he  did  not  individually 
object  to  music  of  any  kind,  but  he  didn't  like  sacred  music  blown  through  a 
trumpet." 

Had  it  been  proposed  at  this  Christmas  Concert  to  perform  the 
Hallelujah  Chorus  on  a  pair  of  bagpipes,  we  should  think  this  latter 
gentleman  would  have  not  withheld  consent  to  it.  His  objection, 
it  would  seem,  is  directed  not  so  much  against  the  music  as  the  instru- 
ment ;  and  in  instancing  the  trumpet  as  his  particular  aversion,  he  is 
probably  moved  by  a  spirit  of  rivalry,  as  he  perhaps  is  in  the  habit  of 
blowing  his  o\vu.  Now  in  the  bagpipes  he  m  no  way  need  have  had 
such  fear  of  competition ;  while  its  tone  might  in  some  measure  have 
"  improved  the  occasion,"  by  reminding  those  who  heard  it  of  those 
sermons  in  drones  which  we  most  of  us  have  listened  to. 

When  ears  are  stopped  with  the  cotton  of  Cant,  they  are  rendered 
deaf  not  only  to  reason,  but  to  music.  However  long  a  fanatic's  auri- 
culars  may  be,  he  can  hear  no  difference  between  a  psalm  tune  and  a 


polka,  at  least  if  the  former  ,be  played  out  of  [Church-time.  Having 
"no  music  in  his  soul"  all  music  sounds  alike  to  him,  whether  it  be 
the  HANDEL  of  the  organ-loft  or  the  handle  of  the  street  piano ;  and 
having  liimself  "  no  mind  for "  it,  he  compounds  for  other  sinfuhiess 
by  condemning  that  as  such. 

It  is  a  common  phrase  to  speak  of  articles  of  doubtful  origin  as 
being  "Brummagem"  ones.  And  we  think  such  spurious  sanctity  as 
that  which  would  prevent  even  the  music  of  the  Messiah  being  played 
on  Christmas  Day,  may  be  fittingly  set  down  as  "  Brummagem " 
Piety.  

MENTAL  MOEPHINE. 

A  NUMBER  of  serious  gentlemen  have  formed  themselves  into  an 
association,  under  the  title  of  the  "  Society  for  the  Suppression  of 
Opium  Smuggling ; "  their  object  being_  to  prevent  the  Chinese  from 
ruining  their  constitutions  by  taking  opium.  In  the  attempt  to  stop 
a  supply  for  which  there  exists  a  demand,  these  philanthropists  may 
not,  perhaps.be  very  successful.  The  best  way  to  effect  ths  desired 
purpose,  will  be,  not  to  bother  Parliament  to  legislate  for  the  preven- 
tion of  the  opium  -traffic,  but  to  endeavour  to  supersede  opium  by  some- 
thing better.  Let  them  get  a  number  of  Exeter  Hall  tracts  translated 
into  the  Chinese  language,  and  imported  into  China.  These  will,  to 
all  the  natives  who  may  be  induced  to  read  them,  prove  a  harmless  and 
efficient  substitute  for  opium ;  and  the  speeches  of  the  members  of  the 
Society,  added  to  the  tracts,  will  doubtless  much  augment  their  influ- 
ence in  communicating  repose  to  the  Celestial  Empire. . 


Dresses  and  Dinners. 


WHY,  it  was  demanded  by  a  vulgar  person,  do  the  air-tube  Crinolines 
cause  a  ball  to  resemble  a  dinner  party  ?  This  extraordinary  question 
meeting  with  no  reply,  the  coarse  individual  said,  "  Because  where 
the  Crinolines  are  inflated,  there  must  be  a  regular  blow-out !  " 


Printed  by  William  Bradbnry,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woborn  Place,  and  Frederick  M  ullet  EvanB,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Psneras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex* 
Printers,  at  tbeir  Office  in  Lombaw  Street,  iu  the  Precinct  of  Wliitefriars,  iu  tt,e  City  of  London,  aul  Published  by  them  at  No.  86,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  ot 
London.— SATUBDAY,  January  24, 1857. 


JANUARY  31,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


41 


THE    JACKANAPES'    DEVELOPMENT    SOCIETY. 

EOPLE  generally  ad- 
mit that  domestic  ser- 
vants are  the  grea- 
test of  all  domestic 
troubles.  Most  of 
them  are  quite  im- 
practicable. They  are 
discontented  with 
rigour,  and  demora- 
lized by  indulgence. 
Their  regard  is  dead- 
ened by  keeping  them 
at  a  distance :  familiar 
treatment  destroys 
their  respect.  What  to 
do  with  them  nobody 
knows ;  but  unfortu- 
nately nobody  also 
knows  what  to  do 
without  them.  Efficient 
substitutes  for  men 
and  maid  -  servants 
would  be  among  the 
greatest  blessings 
which  could  be  con- 
ferred on  respectable 
society.  The  above- 
named  Association  has 
been  organized  with  a 
view  to  supply  them. 

By  far  the  most 
faithful,  tractable,  and 
as  far  as  their  abilities 

extend,  useful,  servants,  are  dogs.  They  are,  moreover,  much  more  sagacious  and 
intelligent  than  many,  if  not:  most  human  domestics.  There  are  but  two  things  that  a 
good  dog  wants  in  order  to  enable  him  to  become  a  perfect  servant.  He  only  wants  a 
pair  of  hands.  If  he  had  but  that,  he  could  clean  boots,  and  knives,  and  forks,  as  well 
as  plates  and  dishes,  which  he  now  actually  cleans.  He  could  also  cook,  instead  of  being 
limited,  in  his  culinary  employment,  to  causing  the  revolutipns  of  the  spit.  He  would  be 
honest,  trustworthy,  grateful ;  would  know  how  to  behave  himself,  and  would  unhesitatingly 
do  whatever  he  was  told,  if  possible. 

But  dogs  have  not  hands,  and  therefore  there  is  an  'end  of  the  question  of  the  pos- 
sibility of  educating  them  to  wait  at  table,  and  converting  the  servants'  hall  into  the 
servants'  kennel.  There  are,  however,  certain  other  animals  possessed  of  the  organs  which 
those  of  the  canine  species  are  destitute  of.  The  animals  alluded  to  are  the  several  varieties 
of  the  monkey  tribe,  particularly  the  ourang-outang,  the  ape,  and  the  chimpanzee.  These 
creatures  display  a  high  degree  of  intelligence,  which,  if  duly  cultivated,  may  be  confidently 
expected  to  render  them  fully  equal  to  the  performance  of  any  menial  function.  To  accli- 
mate and  educate  apes  and  monkeys,  so  as  to  render  them  capable  of  supplying  the  place 
of  footmen  and  maid-servants,  is  the  design  of  the  Jackanapes'  Development  Society. 

If  success  should  crown  the  endeavour  to  train  the  simite  to  act  as  servants,  it  will  afford 
a  peculiar  advantage.  The  male  animals  of  that  class  will  look  particularly  well  arranged  in 
that  variegated  and  comical  attire  with  which  the  superior  classes  are  accustomed  to  decorate 
their  serving-men.  To  the  judicious  eye,  a  livery  seems  to  have  been  cut  out  for  an  ape 
and  an  ape  to  have  been  designed  to  wear  a  livery. 

Ladies  are  requested  to  observe  that  monkeys  will  as  maids,  have  the  recommendation 
ol  never  answering,"  when  found  fault  with  or  scolded. 

The  domestic  apes  and  baboons,  when  not  employed  in  the  kitchen,  will  have  the  special 
recommendation  of  being  sufferable  to  remain  m  the  parlour,  whence  they  will  not  be  able  to 
carry  away  any  conversation  which  they  may  hear,  and  where  their  familiar  treatment  will 
not  render  them  insolent.  By  being  thus  kept  within  sight,  they  will  be  prevented  from 
exercising  any  of  their  mischievous  propensities  that  education  may  not  have  eradicated 

The  fondness  wliich  monkeys  display  for  their  young  gives  good  reason  to  expect  that  they 
would  make  the  best  of  bonnes  and  nursemaids ;  and,  considering  what  history  records  of 
ROMULUS  and  REMUs/and  the  more  modern  and  less  questionable  fact  that  infants  are  now 
often  brought  up  by  hand  upon  asses'  milk,  there  is  no  reason  why  a  healthy  young  female 
ourang-outang  should  not  be  employed  as  a  wet-nurse. 

The  infestation  of  areas  by  policemen  and  soldiers,  is  a  nuisance  which  will  be  entirely 
abolished  by  the  substitution  of  monkeys  of  the  softer  sex  for  cooks  and  scullions  No 
followers  will  ever  be  stipulated  for  by  these  domestics  ;  in  short  they  will  be  manageable 
exactly  like  any  other  live  stock :  and  it  will  be  at  the  option  of  families  to  "raise"  a!  our 
American  cousins  say,  their  own  servants,  or  to  purchase  them  when  wanted. 

JNo  solicitude  will  need  to  be  felt  on  the  subject  of  a  provision  for  servant  monkeys  in  their 
old  age.  When  past  work,  it  will  be  simply  necessary  to  shoot  them. 


Forcible  Association  of  Ideas. 

AT  a  House  of  Call  for  Ticket-of-Leave  men,  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Netting  Hill,  a 

-known     ncck-and-notlung "  hero  dropped  in  rather  late  one  night,  and,  with  his  mmd 

.clently  running  upon  his  business,  cried  out:  "Here,  waiter,  quick,— a  chop- hot— and 

i  tne  plate  down  with  a  Garotte  \ "    A  couple  of  policemen,  who  happened  accidentally  to 

be  present,  instantly  disappeared. 


CRINOLINE'S  RAGING  FURY  ; 

OR,    TIIE    FASHIONABLE    TEMAiE's    SUFFERINGS. 

You  rustic  maids  of  England, 

Who  dress  yourselves  with  case, 
Ah,  little  do  you  think  how  hard 

It  is  French  taste  to  please. 
Give  ear  unto  the  milliners, 

And  they  will  plainly  show, 
With  what  care,  tight  with  air, 

They  our  Crinolines  do  blow. 

All  you  that  will  be  modish, 

Must  bear  a  steadfast  heart : 
For  when  boys  gibe  you  in  the  streets, 

You  must  not  blush  nor  start ; 
Nor  must  you  be  disgusted 

To  hear  them  cry,  "  Hallo  \ 
I  should  think  you  will  shrink  : 

Give  your  Crinoline  a  blow  \ " 

The  bitter  jests  and  sarcasms'] 

A  poor  girl  must  endure, 
And  look  a  fright  to  dress  aright, 

Are  grievous,  to  be  sure  ; 
Our  skirts  they  are  derided 

For  being  puffed  out  so, 
That  by  steam,  it  would  seem, 

We  our  Crinolines  do  blow. 

In  growls  like  distant  thunder, 

Which  gruffness  doth  enforce, 
We  oft  hear  things  old  fogies  say, 

Beyond  all  bearing  coarse ; 
This  causes  indignation, 

And  makes  our  anger  glow ; 
But  disdain  is  in  vain, 

And  our  Crinolines  we  blow. 

Sometimes  when  Neptune's  bosom 

Is  tossed  with  stormy  waves, 
A  lady  walks  out  shopping, 

And  wind  and  weather  braves  ; 
Borne  off  her  legs  she  mounteth, 

And  cometh  down  so  slow, 
Broad  and  light,  with  such  might, 

We  our  Crinolines  do  blow. 

A  maid  exerts  the  bellows 

To  bloat  us  round  about. 
When  woman's  arm  doth  fail  us, 

Then  man's  must  help  it  out ; 
We  ring  for  JOHN'S  assistance — 

For  he  is  strong,  we  know- 
To  help  puff  us  and  stuff  us 

When  our  Crinolines  we  blow. 

The  husband,  and  the  lover, 

May  simple  gowns  prefer, 
That  fit  the  form,  and,  in  a  storm, 

With  safety  let  one  stir ; 
Reproaches  fierce,  our  hearts  that  pierce, 

Against  our  taste  they  throw, 
Which  we  poor  things  endure, 

Wliilst  our  Crinolines  we  blow. 

We  put  on  costly  merchandise 

Of  most  enormous  price, 
So  much  we  need  of  drapery, 

To  follow  this  device ; 
We  spend  so  much  in  drapery, 

Of  such  a  size  to  show, 
And  with  toil  our  shape  spoil, 

When  our  Crinolines  we  blow. 


Genius  Re-warded. 

IT  is  reported  that  a  Russian  order  is  on  its 
way  to  England  to  be  bestowed  upon  Sin 
ROBERT  PEEL,  in  recognition  of  his  late  lecture 
on  Russia  and  her  people.  The  order  is  the 
Order  of  the  Merry  St.  Andrew  of  the  first  class. 
The  QUEEN,  it  is  said,  has  already  anticipated  the 
baronet's  prayer  to  wear  the  honour ;  he  having, 
in  HER  MAJESTY'S  opinion,  so  richly  deserved 
the  distinction. 


VOL.   XXXII. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  31,  1857. 


SCOTLAND    AGAIN    IN    MOURNING. 

GOTLAND  is  again  desired 
to  "mourn"  by  a  heart- 
broken editor,  whose  elastic 
feelings  stretch  as  far  back 
as  EDWARD  THE  FIRST. 
That  unprincipled  indivi- 
dual created  great  havoc 
"  111:011  the  archives  and  in- 
signia of  the  country ! "  It 
is  a  lately  discovered  fact 
—  a  fact  over  which  CALE- 
DONIA is  desired  to  drop 
at  least  a  tear — that  when 
EDWABD  arrived  at  Rox- 
burgh Castle  "he  had  with 
him  whole  hampers  of  public 
documents,  state  papers, 
charters,  burgh  seals,  and 
such  like,  all  of  which  he 
had  ruthlessly  plundered 
as  his  armies  passed  from 
place  to  place."  Armies 
generally  prefer  state  plate 
to  state  papers ;  and  would 
rather  lift  and  drive  whole 
flocks  of  living  sheep,  than 
go  ever  so  little  out  of  the 
way  to  seaich  for  sheep's 
dead  parchment,  men-at- 
arms  being  rarely  antiquarians  ;  but  it  was  otherwise  with  EDWAKD 
THE  FIRST'S  myrmidons.  They  were  ruffians  with  a  taste;  bullies 
and  swash-bucklers  inclined  to  the  historical;  and  therefore  burgh- 
seals  of  wax  and  lead  were  far  more  attract]  ve  in  Iheir  enlight- 
ened eyes  than  salvers  and  tankards.  "It  might  form  a  subject 
for  the  justice-to-Sootland  men,"  writes  the  Scotch  patriot,  "  to  insti- 
tute inquiries  as  to  what  of  these  memorials  survive."  It  is  impossible 
to  conceive  a  nobler,  a  more  useful  application  of  northern  intellect. 
"  If  part  of  them  still  exist,"  continues  the  ardent  champion  of  his 
country's  glory,  haply  remaining  in  lead  and  parchment,  "it  might  be 
a  question  if  their  concession  to  the  original  owner  should  not  be 
asked."  We  earnestly  hope  that,  at  least  a  few  fiery  souls  will  work 
their  way  to  England  in  search  of  the  stolen  goods;  for  there  can 
be  no  doubt  that  the  precious  plunder  somewhere  enriches  the  great 
national  fence  kept  by  the  Southron.  The  parchments  and  seals  arc, 
doubtless,  hoarded  somewhere  with  the  original  knee-buckles  of  the 
first  MACALLUM  BORE;  and  ought  to  be  carried  back  in  solemn  pro- 
cession to  the  land  of  seedy  cakes. 

BULWER  has  just  delivered  himself  of  one  of  his  best  firework 
orations,  as  the  new  Lord  Rector  of  Glasgow.  He  glowingly  coun- 
selled the  young  students  to  go  forth  into  the  world  "  with  the  lion 
of  Scotland  in  their  hearts,  and  the  white  cross  of  ST.  ANDREW  "- 
we  forget  where.  Now,  what  could  be  nobler  knight-errantry  for 
these  young  Scotch  lions  crossed  with  ST.  ANDREW,  than  to  sally 
forth  in  search  of  the  papers,  the  charters,  and  the  burgh-seals 
carried  from  Scotland  by  EDWABD  THE  FIRST,  and  hidden  in  the 
closets,  the  store-rooms  (much  of  the  parchment  covering  the  mouths 
of  pickle-jars,)  and  the  strong  boxes  of  the  Southron?  The  history 
of  any  one  such  knight  duly  attended  by  his  SANCHO  duly  mounted, 
the  faithfid  animal  fed  with  the  national  thistle,  would  make  a  finer 
poem  than  the  Faery  Q/reen,  a  more  splendid  prose  epic  than  Don 
QmxoKe.  We  make  a  present  of  the  idea  to  PROFESSOR  AYTOUN, 
who,  should  he  condescend  t  o  adopt  it,  will  do  equal  justice  to  Scotland 
and  himself.  EDWARD  THE  FIRST  has  long  enough  had  it  all  his  own 
way;  and  it  is  quite  right  that,  even  at  this  late  hour,  Scotland 
should  bring  the  freebooter  to  the  scratch. 


A  PLEASANT  SERVICE. 

A  BRIGADE  order  recently  issued  at  Naples  prescribes  the  system  of 
reciprocal  espionage  to  be  observed  in  the  Army  of  his  most  Catholic 
Majesty.  Every  soldier  is  to  denounce  the  possession  of  private  papers 
by  a  comrade.  The  officers  are  instructed  to  intercept  and  examine 
all  letters  addressed  to  their  men.  Every  soldier  of  superior  intelli- 
gence or  education  is  to  be  watched.  This  order  will  no  doubt  be 
followed  by  a  new  Neapolitan  manual  and  platoon  exercise — of  which 
the  words  of  command  will  be  :— 


Present  papers ! 
Return  papers  ! 


Carry  letters  ! 
Open  letters  ! 


NEWCASTLE   NOODLEDOM. 

LORD  CLAB.ENDON  must  mind  what  he 's  about.  It  would  seem  that 
he  no  longer  is  the  head  of  the  Foreign  Office;  or  rather  it  would 
appear  that  there  are  now  two  Foreign  Offices,  and  that  his  is  the  in- 
ferior department,  and  exists  only  under  the  surveillance  of  the  other. 

The  Urquhartites  of  Newcastle,  in  their  capacity  of  zealous  servants 
of  the  state,  and  in  their  apparent  incapacity  to  serve  it  any  better,  have 
been  forming  a  "  Committee  for  Investigating  the  action  of  Diplomacy," 
which  is  intended  to  act  as  a  check  upon  LORD  CLARENDON,  or  whom- 
ever else  the  foreign  ministry  may  hereafter  be  entrusted  to.  As  a 
specimen  of  the  wisdom  which  tlie  country  miiy  expect  to  emanate 
from  its  Newcastle  privy  councillors,  we  read  lliiit  the  Committee  at  a 
recent  meeting  for. "investigating"  the  Chinese  bombardment— 

"  Resolved  unanimously.  That  ADMIRAL  SEYMOUR  lias  unnecessarily  and  unlaw- 
fully destroyed  innocent  life  :  that  we  therefore  resolve  to  jiroceed  against  ADMIKAL 
SEYMOUR  for  murder  at  the  Central  Criminal  Court." 

In  the  event  of  the  failure  of  their '  crimiuul  proceeding,  for  in  the 
existing  state  of  the  law  it  may  not  be  qmic  >o  casj  to  indict  ;MI  admiral 
on  such  a  charge  as  the  Committee  seem  to  think,  we  suppose  that  the 
Parliament  now  sitting  at  Newcastle  will  proceed  at  once  to  pass  a 
special  act  for  the  occasion,  declaring  such  oll'enees  as  (hat  which  is  in 
question  to  be  legally  considered  murder,  and  giving  themselves  the 
power  to  appear  as  public  prosecutors  whenever  they  think  ft.  ! icing 
acquiiint-cd  somewhat  with  the  instincts  of  buBybodies,  it  would  not  at 
all  surprise  us  if  the  Committee  shoidd  be  led  to  arrogate  the  func- 
tions of  the  Home  as  well  as  of  the  Foreign  Oilier:  and  indeed  their 
resolution  to  indict  ADMIRAL  SEYMOUR  is  a  sufficient  indication  that 
they  intend  going  by  degrees  the  whole  Governmental  hog,  and  re- 
moving the  nation's  business  premises  from  Downing  Street,  West- 
minster, to  their  committee-room,  Newcastle. 

Now,  granting  every  allowance  for  the  weaknesses  to  which  all  busy- 
bodydom  is  subject,  we  are  not  disposed  to  grant  t  hat  two  heads  to  a 
department  would  be  better  than  one ;  and  as  t  he  ollice  of  administering 
our  foreign  affairs  must  be  considered  foreign  to  the  duties  of  Newcastle- 
men,  we  cannot  suffer  t  hem  without  a  protest  to  threaten  LORD  CLAREN- 
DON with  official  decapitation.  It  is  all  very  right  to  keep  an  eye  upon 
the  Government,  but  Mr.  Punch  does  this  without  being  thought  prying 
— which  indeed  he  would  submit  to  be,  if  he  were  ever  caught  "  in\ 
gating  "  the  secrets  of  the  State.  And  the  nation  probably, will  agree 
with  Mr.  Punch,  that  whenever  it  be  needful  to  haul  any  of  its  servants 
over  the  coals,  those  combustibles  may  be  supplied  at  85,  Fleet  Street, 
without  haviugr.to  send  so  far  as  to  Newcastle  for  them. 


But  we  cannot  for  the  life  of  us  imagine  how,  with  such  a  system, 
BOTIBA'S  soldiers  are  ever  to  "stand  at  ease." 


THE  ANTI-CINDERELLA  COSTUME. 

"A  RESPECTABLE  ELDERLY  GENTLEMAN,"  writing  in  the  Tiw 
the  subject  of  those  extensive  dresses  which  are  the  fashion  that  ladies 
now  use,  makes  the  following  observation  : — 

"  Beauty  seems  to  ba  valued  like  Crown  laud,  only  by  the  number  of  square  feet 
enclosed." 

It  is,  however,  to  be  noted  that  the  dresses  at  present  in  vogue  not 
only  coyer  a  certain  number  of  square  feet.     '! '  •  other 

feel,  which  may  be  square  for  aught  anybody  can  tell:  or  which  may  be 
splay,  or  clubbed;  and  whilst  we  find  fault  willi  wide  and  draggling 
skirts,  we  should  not  forget  that  they  are  a  great  blessing  to  those 
otherwise  fair  damsels  whose  lower  extremities  arc  clumsy  or  deformed. 


The  Frying  Pan  and  the   Tire. 

WHEN  the  Window-Tax  was  in  operation,  we  complained  of  it  ;:  •  a 
tax  upon  light.  The  Light-Tax  is  no  more ;  but  we  have  the  Income- 
Tax  in  its  place.  Perhaps,  it  is  rather  generally  considered,  that  we 
have  exchanged  the  Light  Tax  for  the  Heavy  Tax. 


JANUARY  31,  1857.] 


PUNCH,    OR  -THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


GLORIOUS    NEWS    FOR    THE    GENTLEMEN! 

i:ws!  GREAT  NEWS!  A 
French  paper  says,  "Lit 
CrinoKn*  est  morte ! " 
The  Editor  can  hardly 
eoiitain  himself  for  joy 
in  making  his  announce- 
ment. You  see  him  cut- 
ting a  fapcr  between 
every  line.  At'ieralittlo 
dl'thc  slcain  of  his  exult- 
ation lias  blown  off  in 
the  most  explosives!;  Ic. 
he  proceeds  gravely  to 
say,  ilial  "the  KMITHSS 
IK,  at  whose  dooB  ! 

(what  a  very  wide  d • 

it  must  have  been  !)  the 
great  er  part,  of  the  mis- 
chief has  to  be  laid, 
appeared  at  the  ball 
given  at  the  Tuileries 
on  New  Year's  Day,  without  the  least  '  moryeau  de  bouffant:  The  KMI-KIKIK,  with 
a  face  radiant  with  joy,  went  up  to  the  EMPRESS,  and,  in  the  most  marked  manner, 
complimented  her  on  her  very  graceful  appearance.  Thus,  in  common  with  tin- 
nation,  we  rejoice  that  les  jours  gras  de$  femmes  maigp»m  at  last  at  an  end." 
And  we  also  rejoice  that  women,  no  matter  whether  stout  or  thin,  can  no  longer 
play  the  swell  in  the  preposterous  manner  they  have  been  doing  all  the  year  round. 
The  circle  of  fashion  will  be  now  all  the  more  approachable.  We  think  that  there 
ought  to  be  a  public  meet  ins  of  husbands  and  fathers  to  express  aloud  their  thank- 
fulness that  Crinoline  has  been  carried  away  with  the  skirts  of  the  depart  <  d 
Let  all  the  horsehair  be  collected  in  one  heap,  and  worked  up  into  a  series  of 
magnificent  maltrassos,  until  piled  up  as  high  as  one  of  the  Pyramids,  and,  gradually 
growing  smaller,  the  topmost  pillow  is  surmounted  with  a  golden  statue  of  the 
^«po«-annihilatingE.upi(Kss.  The  following  inscription  woidd  suffice :  "A  EUGENIE, 
LES  MARIS  RECONNAISSANTS." 

We  trust,  however,  that,  in  our  extreme* hatred  for  milliners'  bills,  we  are  not 
premature  in  our  rejoicings.    Let  us  hope  that  one  absurdity  is  not  deiunct,  merely 


to  be  succeeded  by  another  of  equal  bulk  and  bad  breeding. 
We  put  our  banker's-book  to  our  heart,  and  raise  the  fer- 
\  ent  aspiration  that  on  the  demise  of  Crinoline,  the  cry  has 
not  been  heard  usually  shouted  at  the  exit  of  a  French 
King:  "  La  Crinoline  est  Morte  !  Vice  la  Crinoline!"  No; 
we  believe  that  there  are  good  patriotic  Frenchmen,  who 
would  sooner  welcome  back  to  France  the  return  even  of 
the  BOUKBONS  than  that  of  Crinoline.  In  the  meantime,  ii 
is  our  conviction  that  Louis  NAPOLKOX  himself  ha.  haii  , 
powerful  hand  in  putting  down  this  stubborn  enemy,  as 
he  was  fearful  of  the  important  part  Crinoline  would 
probably  play  in  another  revolution.  Supposing  the  bar- 
ricades were  c  vri  raised  up  again,  every  dress  would  have 
been  a  complete  barricade  in  itself ! 


A  Notion  for  the  Budget. 

;  'nor's  Rate  presents  his  compliments  to  Mr.  Punch, 
begs  to  submit  that,  whatever  objection  may  have  been 
madr  to  his  amount,  inequality  of  operation  has  never  been 
alleged  against  him,  and  wishes  to  ask  whet  her  the  mode 
of  his  assessment  might  not  advantageously  be  adopted  as 
a  model  for  the  levy  of  all  direct  taxation? 


A    CRUSTACEOUS   KING. 


A'  RESEMBLANCE  between  KING  CLICQITIT  and  a  snail 
is  suggested  by  the  circumstance  that,  after  a  considerable, 
deal  of  foaming,  that  very  slow  monarch  has  quietly  drawn 
in  his  horns.  

NATIONAL  CHARACTERISTICS. 

A  GERMAN  will  keep  awake  for  hours  to  study  meta- 
physics. When  an  Englishman  studies  them,  it  is  to  induce 
him  to  go  to  sleep. 

THREE  WORDS  ON  THE  SPANISH  LOAN. — Let  it  alone. 


RABELAIS    IN    PIMLICO. 

How  we  came  to  a  certain  Fair  Region,  and  touching  the  Horrible  Noises 
•which  we  heard  therein. 

THEN  we  took  to  our  vessel,  named  the  Bride,  and  steered  along  the 
muddy  shore  of  the  river  Thamesis,  which  in  the  old  Hebrew  sigmfieth 
foulness,  and  passing  the  Archbishop's  Tower  and  a  strong  and  crafty 
prison-house,  we  landed  at  Pimlico.  Epistemon  told  us  that  the  region 
was  so  called  from  one  Ben  Pimlico,  a  jolly  companion  of  the  order  of 
the  Bottle,  who  deceased  in  the  odour  of  strong  liquors  three  hundred 
years  since ;  but  for  my  part  I  believe  him  not,  neither  do  I  care  for 
Ben  Pimlico,  nor  for  you,  nor  for  anybody  else.  The  houses  were  fine 
and  stately,  and  one  of  them  was  a  tavern,  into  which  we  entered. 
Friar  John,  who  was  always  ready  for  a  quart  or  so,  demanded  of  the 
hostel-keeper  the  best  or  his  ale.  Which  the  fellow  straightway 
bringing  in  a  glass,  "  By  the  Pope's  horns,"  quoth  Friar  John,  "thoii 
noddie-pcak  doddipol,  I  will  teach  thee  to  mete  put  such  measure  ad 
cleros,"  and  thereupon  lent  him  a  thwack  with  his  walking-staff,  which 
knocked  him  into  the  ides  of  February  in  August,  or,  to  speak  more 
clearly  for  your  comprehension,  into  the  middle  of  next  week.  But  a 
comely  damsel  hastening  with  an  ample  flaggon,  the  good  father,  who 
was  the  gladdest  man  in  the  world,  and  nothing  malicious,  heartily 
forgave  him,  saying,  "I  have  but  given  thy  malt  a  new  stroke."  At 
which  Pantagruel  laughed  until  he  had  bursten  four  hundred  and 
forty-three  thousand  two  hundred  and  seventeen  buttons  off  liis  nether 
garmr, 

While  we  drank,  at  a  pleasant  window,  Panurge  bid  us  remark  the 
goodly  dwellings  thereabouts,  saying,  that  doubtless  fair  and  gentle 
folk  did  dwell  therein.  Whereto  the  good  Pantagrncl  answered, 
that  it  was  not  so,  and  that  the  fine  new  sweet  lovely  houses  were 
inhabited,  in  greal  part,  by  slabbcrdegullion  drnggels,  paltry  customers, 
base  loons,  noddy  meacocks,  ninme-hammov  flycatchers,  weak  lob- 
dottorels  and  the  like.  These,  mark  you,  infest  the  new  streets  of 
that  region,  which  were  designed  for  altogether  another  sort.  "  But 
how,  my  Lord  and  Kinsr,"  quoth  Panurge,  "  do  such  sort  of  for- 
lorn snakes  contrive  to  live  here?"  "  Thou  shalt  see  for  thyself," 
answered  Pantagruel. 

While  he  spoke  there  arose  a  dreadful  yelling  as  if  Lucifer  and  nine 
hundred  and  nineteen  thousand  of  his  fry  had  broken  loose.  Panurge 
fell  down,  sitting-wise,  and  cried,  "O  my  sweet  friends,  Pluto  and 
Proserpine  and  the  furies  have  sosw  forth,  and  I  hear  Cerberus 
howling  and  Demorgorgon  roaring.  Bon,  bee,  bor,  baa.  Let  us  fly, 


my  friends,  before  we  be  torn  in  pieces.  Friar  John,  thou  cowardly 
roysterer,  draw  thy  great  sword,  and  comfort  me,  bou,  bee,  boo,  baa, 
boh."  "  Truly  I  will  belabour  thee,"  quoth  the  glad  Friar  John, 
"  thou  bawling  slave,  until  thou  hast  no  more  consistence  than  a 
syllabub  (would  I  had  one  here),  an  thou  cease  not  thy  clamour." 
'''  They  come,  they  come,"  cried  Panurge,  "  and  the  world  is  at  an 
end.  0  that  I  had  a  sweet  little  great  lodging  on  the  top  of  Mont 
Blanc,  or  Mont  Maelstrom,  or  I  care  not  if  it  be  Mont  Pleasant, 
where  I  might  be  out  of  the  fangs  of  these  demons."  "  Be  still,"  quoth 
Friar  John,  "  and  I  will  kill  them  to  you  like  so  many  blackbeetles." 

With  that  the  horrible  rabble  came  howling  and  roaring  past  our 
window,  and  we  plainly  discerned  their  vileness.  There  were  men, 
and  women,  boys  and  children,  all  bawling  and  screeching  like  frantic 
fiends.  And  they  cried  hareskins,  and  hearthstones,  and  matches,  and 
ornaments  for  your  fire-stoves,  and  periwinkles,  and  sweep,  and  water- 
cresses,  and  milk  at  threepence  a  quart,  and  vegetables,  and  oranges, 
and  old  clothes,  and  fish,  and  rabbits,  and  onions,  and  images,  and 
flowers  all-a-blowing,  and  dust,  and  catsmeat,  and  knives  and  scissars 
to  grind,  and  pots  to  mend,  and  kettles  to  mend,  and  umbrellas  to  sell, 
and  baskets,  and  chairs,  and  muffins,  and  crumpets,  and  broken  windows, 
and  a  thousand  other  cries.  And  with  them  came  minstrels  of  all  kinds, 
Germans  in  a  dirty  gang  blowing  blatant  trumpets,  and  scrubby  Italians 
grinding  organs,  and  vagabonds  with  blackened  faces  and  paper  collars, 
with  banjos,  and  other  miscreants  with  hurdygurdies,  and  ballad- 
singers  with  furious  shouting,  and  an  idiot  with  a  cracked  fiddle.  And 
ever  and  anon  came  men  with  loud  and  sepulchral  voices,  proclaiming 
beer,  but  at  times  they  battered  the  doors  fearfully,  bawling  pots.  And 
this  we  learned  was  the  rioting  that  went  on  in  these  regions  from 
morning  to  night. 

"  I  do  now  no  longer  wonder."  quoth  Friar  John,  "  that  no  decent 
person  can  live  in  these  new  and  pleasant  streets,  and  I  marvel  that 
such  things  are  permitted.  Nevertheless,  1  will  do  somewhat  for  mine 
order's  sake,  for  arc  we  not  to  promote  peace  ?  Pax  vobiscitm  !  "  There- 
with he  rushed  upon  the  rabble  with  his  thundering  great  swprd, 
which  he  called  Benjaminall,  slashing,  crashing,  smashing,  kicking, 
pricking,  licking,  swearing,  tearing,  never  sparing,  until  he  had  so 
banged,  beaten,  and  routed  that  whole  gathering  and  assemblage  of 
1 1 lorn  that  there  remained  not  one.  Then  from  the  neighbouring 
regions  issued,  smilingly,  gentle  and  courteous  people  who  had  long 
suffered  the  anguish  of  these  monsters,  and  they  fell  on  Friar  John's 
neck,  and  kissed  him,  and  entreated  us  all  to  come  into  their  houses 
and  cat,  drink,  and  be  merry.  And  we  did  so,  carousing  until  the 
dawn,  and  it  was  a  sweet  and  heavenly  sound  to  hear  us  laugh. 


44 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  31,  1857. 


IN    A    HURRY. 

y.   "Now  THEN,  SIR!— THE  MOKE  -you  LOOK  THE  LESS  YOU'LL  LOIKE  IT!— GET  OVER,  OR  ELSE  LET  us  COME!" 


LEAP-FROG. 

Dedicated  to  PRINCE  NAPOLEON,  THE  DUKE  OF  MALAKHOFF, 
MARSHALS  CANKOBEHT,  BOSQUET,  and  the  other  Trench  pfficers 
present  at  the  late  Crimean  banquet  at  Paris. 

FKOGGY^must  a  warring  go—- 
Heigh ho,  so  slowly ! 
Froggy  must  a  warring  go, 
By  the  Emperor's  orders,  like  it  or  no, 
With  his  swingeing  ST.ARNAUD,  BOSQUET,  and  CANROBEET, 
Heigh  ho,  so  slowly ! 

So  off  he  sailed  to  the  Bospliorus  blue, 

Heigh  ho,  so  growly ! 
So  off  he  sailed  to  the  Bospliorus  blue, 
And  there  found  JOHN  BULL  with  a  soldier  or  two, 
With  his  good-natured  RAGLAN,  LUCAN,  and  CARDIGAN, 

Heigh  ho,  so  scowly  ! 

When  the  Rooskies  at  Alma  were  forced  to  run— 

Heigh  lip,  so  easy  ! 

When  the  Rooskies  at  Alma  were  forced  to  run. 
It  was  Froggy,  of  course,  took  the  one  captured  gun, 
With  his  swingeing  ST.  ARNAUD,  BOSQUET,  and  CANROBERT, 

Heigh  ho,  so  easy ! 

When  the  beaten  Rooskies  we  failed  to  pursue — 

Heigh  ho,  so  foully  ! 

When  the  beaten  Rooskies  we  failed  to  pursue, 
To  JOHN  BULL,  of  course,  the  delay  was  due, 
With  his  easy  LORD  RAGLAN,  LUCAN,  and  CARDIGAN, 
Heigh  ho,  so  growlly  ! 

When  to  "sap"  was  changed  what  should  have  been  "sack'"- 

Heigh  ho,  so  slowly ! 

When  to  "  sap  "  was  changed  what  should  have  been  "  sack," 
Of  course,  Froggy  held  left  and  right  attack, 
With  his  bouncing  PELISSIER,  BOSQUET,  and  CANROBERT, 

Heigh  ho,  so  slowly ! 


When  six  to  one  did  at  Inkermann  fight — 

Heigh  ho,  so  boldly ! 
When  six  to  one  did  at  Inkermann  fight, 
It  was  Froggy,  of  course,  that  defended  the  height, 
With  his  terrible  Chasseurs,  Zouaves,  and  Indigenes, 

Heigh  ho,  so  boldly  ! 

When  at  Balaklava  fled  Russia's  horse— 

Heigli  ho,  so  quickly ! 
When  at  Balaklava  fled  Russia's  horse, 
The  "thin  red  line  "  was  Froggy's  of  course. 
With  liis  blundering  LUCAX,  CAMPBELL,  and  Highlanders, 

Heigh  ho,  so  quickly ! 

When  the  Allies'  assault  was  repulsed  in  June — 

Heigh  ho,  so  foully  ! 

When  the  Allies'  attack  was  repulsed  in  June, 
'Twasn't  Froggy  began  the  attack  too  soon, 
With  his  DUKE  OF  MALAKHOFF,  BOSQUET,  and  Company, 

Heigh  ho,  so  foully ! 

When  at  last  Sevastopol  city  was  ta'eu— 

Heigh  ho,  so  slowly  ! 
When  at  last  Sevastopol  city  was  ta'eu, 
It  was  Froggy  did  all — except  lose  the  Redan, 
With  his  thundering  D'ANGELY,  BOSQUET,  and  MALAKIIOFF, 
Heigh  ho,  so  slowly  ! 

In  short,  the  Siege  of  Sebastopol — 

Heigh  ho,  so  wholly! 
In  short,  the  Siege  of  Sebastopol, 
Was  Froggy's  achievement,  wnole  and  sole, 
With  his  ADMIRAL  HAMELIX,  BOSQUET,  and  MALAKHOFF, 
Heigh  ho,  so  wholly ! 

Of  what  laurels  there  arc  to  win  and  wear — 

Heigh  ho,  so  seedy ! 

Of  what  laurels  there  are  to  win  and  wear, 
Of  course,  Froggy  claims  the  Lion's  share, 
With  his  Dukes  and  his  Marshals,  BOSQUET  and  MALAKHOFF, 

Heigh  ho,  so  greedy  ! 


H-H 
H-l 


O 

W 


CO 


S 

g 


bd 


h-H 
h-H 


o 

a 
o 

W 


c-1 

O 


o 
SJ 

o 

» 
> 

2 
< 
t> 

g 

i- 

as 

a 


JANUARY  31,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


47 


A  (iOOD  SPEC. 

HE  following' state- 
ment appears  in 
Notes  ami  Queries. 

"  NEAIUKJUTEDNESS. 
— It  is  stated  in  tho 
Paris  Mtdicnl  Gozrtt* 
that  of  the  3, 205. 220 
young  men  examined 
ill  Franco  for  military 
service,  during  19 
years,  13,007  were  ex- 
empted for  mynpia." 

Greatly  as  our 
neighbours  de- 
light in  military 
glory,  they  are  not 
very  fond  of  the 
conscription.  As 
ncarsightedness  is 
a  ground  of  ex- 
emption there- 
from, it  has  no 
doubt  become  as 
fashionable  among 
them,  for  that 

reason,  as  it  lias  among  our  own  young  men  from  affectation.  Would 
it  not  be  a  good  speculation  to  manufacture,  for  exportation  to  France, 
a  large  number  of  cheap  spectacles  and  eye-glasses,  adapted  to  natural 
and  perfect  vision  ? 


MARY    ANN'S    NOTIONS. 

"  MY  DEAE  MB.  PUNCH, 

"  PAPA  has  just  been  reading  to  us,  with  considerable  delight 
(all  Ids  own,  dear  old  thing  !)  some  remarks  which  MR.  ROEBUCK,  a 
member  of  Parliament,  has  been  making  in  a  speech  somewhere,  being 
I  suppose,  in  such  a  dreadful  hurry  to  let  off  liis  pent-up  eloquence  that 
he  could  not  even  wait  until  Tuesday  week.  I  think  I  never  heard 
such  rubbish  talked  in  all  my  born  days.  Who  ME.  ROEBUCK  is  I 
have  not  the  least  idea  in  the  world,1  and  what 's  more,  I  don't  want  to,2 
but  what  people  they  are  that  send  such  a  person  to  represent  them  I 
certainly  should  like  to  know,  that  I  might  ask  Papa  to  reserve  his 
nominations  to  the  Idiots'  Asylum  for  them.3 

"This  ME.  ROEBUCK,  as  far  as  I  understand  liis  stupidness,  was 
declaiming  against  politicians  who  pretended  to  be  independent,  but 
went  over  and  sat  by  the  Government.  As  if  it  signified  where  people 
sat';  but  men  are  such  absurd  sticklers  for  rules  and  regulations,  though 
they  can  always  find  some  Jesuitical  excuse  for  breaking  them  when  it 
suits  their  precious  taste.  Besides,  it  is  the  man  that  talks,  and  not 
the  chair,  I  suppose,  and  he  can  just  as  well  speak  his  mind  in  one 
seat  as  in  another.  If  I  were  to  say  that  1  could  sing  ''Bobbing 
Around'  (not  that  I  would  sing  such  vulgar  and  ridiculous  nonsense 
anywhere,  and  it  shows  what  men  are,  and  what  will  amuse  their 
intellectual  lordships,  when  they  will  go  and  shriek  and  applaud  like  a 
pack  of  schoolboys  at  such  dreadful  rubbish,4  for  I  read  the  words  in 
your  paper,  and  though  I  dare  say  the  singing  is  everything,  you 
ought  to  be  ashamed  of  yourselves),  on  a  music-stool,  and  not  on  a 
chair,  I  should  be  called  a  ridiculous  lump  of  affectation.8 

"But  I  suppose  he  meant  to  say  that  these  independent  men,  who 
professed  to  belong  to  no  party,  were  got  to  support  a  party  after  all. 
I  have  no  doubt  ot  it  in  the  world,  and  it  is  just  the  character  of  all 
men  who  make  professions,  and  of  a  good  many  who  are  too  artful  to 
do  that,  for  fear  they  should  have  their  words  thrown  in  their  hypo- 
critical faces.6  How  men  ever  trust  one  another  at  all  is  beyond  my  com- 
prehension. But  that  is  their  business.  As  for  their  joining  a  party,  it 
is  very  natural.  Most  men  are  idiots,7  and  if  they  find  one  who  is 
wiser  than  the  rest,  they  run  round  him  like  mv  bees  at  Worthing 
round  their  queen,  and  do  as  he  does,  and  repeat  all  he  says  with  the 
greatest  slavishness.  It  is  quite  consistent  with  human  nature,  I  mean 
man's  nature,  not  that  it  is  always  human,  but  often  very  inhuman.  Look 
at  that  wretch  that  beat  the  poor  children  in  the  factory  with  a  great 
strap.  I  should  like  to  tie  him  to  some  of  the  machinery,  and  let  him 
be  torn  into  a  million  pieces,8  and  if  that  other  man  gets  off  that  de- 
stroyed the  babies,  it  will  be  just  like  our  laws.9  The  QUEEN  ought  to 
be  despotic  in  such  matters,;and  when  she  reads  a  shocking  thing  in 
the  paper,  she  ought  to  have  power  to  send  off  some  soldiers  without 
another  word,10  and  shoot  such  people  out  of  a  cannon.  What  is  the 
use  of  calling  her  a  Queen  if  she  cannot  do  as  she  likes  f  " 

I  was  going  to  say,  however12  that  it  is  quite  natural  that  men 
should  turn  round  upon  some  pretence  or  other,  and  break  their  words 
with  their  constit  mints,  and  serve  them  right  for  trusting.  But  I  was 
not  prepared  for  MR.  ROEBUCK'S  impudence— 1  don't  care  whether  the 
word  is  the  thing  or  not  (nobody  can  see  me  as  I  write  it)— in  actually 


laying  the  blame  of  such  men's  tervigosation— is  that  the  way  to  spell 
it13— on  their  wives.  Yes,  you  woidd  hardly  believe  it,  but  this  is  the 
excuse  setup  by  MR.  ROEBUCK.  Papa  read  it  out,  'with  emphasis 
and  bad  discretion,'  as  AUGUSTUS  says.  'Now.  my  dears,'  said  Papa, 
'observe  the  influence  with  which  the  honourable  member  credits  the 

fentler  sex.'  And  he  went  on  to  say  that  (he  way  independent  mem- 
ers  came  to  vote  for  LORD  PALMERSION  (who  is  the  dearest  man  in 
all  England,  and  everybody  ought  to  vote  for  him")  was  this.  The 
member's  wife  reads  of  the  QUEEN'S  parties,  and  of  course  is  dying  to 
go  to  them,  and  so  LOUD  PAI.MKKSTO.V  tells  the  man  that  if  he  '11  vote 
for  him  he'll  procure  a  ticket  for  his  wife,  and  then  the  woman  gives 
her  husband  no  peace  or  rest  (and  very  riirlit  too)  until  the  ticket  is 

"1  hope  this  is  true.  I  hope  with  all  my  heart  that  it  is  true.  I 
don't  suppose  it  is,  because  men  never  speak  the  truth  in  public,  what- 
ever some  of  them  may  do  in  private.  ISnt  if  if.  is  true,  it  shows  that 
a  wife  knows  much  better  what  is  good  for  a  husband  than  he  does. 
It  is  good  also  for  the  people,  "because  if  you  do  not  support  the 
QUEE.V  and  her  (i<>\  eminent,  there  must  be  revolution  and  rebellion, 
and  very  likely  a  guillotine  in  Trafalgar  Square,  and  the  poor  dear  little 
royal  children  beaten  by  shoemakers  in  the  Tower.16  And  as  you  are 
always  preaching  to  wives  to  mind  their  families  and  their  interests, 
they  are  doing  so,  I  suppose,  by  get  .ting  their  husbands  into  the  highest 
and  best  society,  and  making  acquaintances  for  their  children  against 
the  time  they  come  out .  What  can  be  better  for  a  girl  than  that  she 
should  be  introduced  into  -society  by  her  own  mother,  instead  of 
having  to  beg  for  a  chaperone?  And  as  for  the  sons,  I  suppose  a  father 
who  is  friendly  with  LORD  PALMERSTON,  can  always  get  them  made 
cornets  and  senior  wranglers  and  midshipmen,  and  all  that.16  And 
because  a  poor  wife  struggles  to  gain  these  things  for  her  children, 
she  is  to  be  denounced  upon  a  platform.  Nice  creatures  you  men  are, 
certainly,  very  nice  creatures !  Preach  at  us  to  do  things  one  day, 
and  abuse  us  for  doing  it  the  next.17 

"  Your  affectionate 

"Saturday:'  "MARY  ANN." 

1  He  is  member  for  Sheffield,  dear,  and  the  ANDREW  MAKVEL  of  the  VICTOEIAN 
age. 

*  We  beg  your  pardon — we  had  not  read  this  piece  of  elegance  when  we  penned 
the  above  note. 

3  The  population  of  Sheffield,  in  1S51,  was  135,310,  and  it  contains  70  places  of 
worship.  Little  girls  should  not  be  flippant. 

*  There  is  some  sense  in  these  exceedingly  irrelevant  remarks. 

5  This  would  be  a  coarse  way  of  observing,  that  you  appeared  to  exhibit  a  little 
whimsicality. 

6  Explain  this  curious  process  to" us  in  a  note,  not  necessarily  for  publication. 

7  A  broad  proposition. 

6  You  would  like  to  do  nothing  of  the  kind. 

9  If  guilty,  he  will  not  escape. 

10  Without  another  word  of  inquiry? 

11  We  are  not  usually  serious  with  you,  child,  but  you  really  must  not  assume  that 
our  Sovereign  is  dissatisfied  with  the  amount  of  power  she  possesses.    We  have 
tht  best  reason  to  KNOW  the  contrary. 

13  After  a  parenthetical  dissertation  on  human  nature,  criminal  law,  the  power  of 
the  Crown,  and  the  theory  of  sovereignty.  Well  done,  Miss  ULACKSTONK  1 

13  Certainly  not. 

14  We  have  supported  him,  which  is  saying  tho  same  thing. 

15  Ask  AUOUSTTS  what  a  petitin  principii  is.     He  won't  know. 

16  We  don't  know.    LOKD  PAI.MERSTON  is  at  our  office  four  times  a-week  at  least, 
and  none  of  our  young  fellows  have  had  anything  from  his  lordship — yet. 

17  You  have  made  out  a  better  case— woman's  case,  of  course — than  usual,  but  we 
assure  you  tliat  there  is  something  to  be  said  on  the  other  side.    Suppose  you  drop 
politics  1 


THE  POST  IN  THE  SUBURBS. 

people  are  aware  of  the  enormous  distance  which  intervenes 
between  London  and  Hammersmith.  True,  the  transit  in  an  omnibus 
does  not  seem  to  take  a  very  long  time,  and  on  foot  is  accomplished 
with  apparent  ease  and  brevity ;  but  the  road  must  be  an  enchanted 
one,  and  its  seeming  shortness  illusory.  It  is,  in  fact,  much  farther 
from  the  Metropolis  than  Southampton ;  for  if  at  the  latter  place  you 
post  a  letter  directed  to  Fleet  Street,  one  'minute  before  ten  at 
night,  it  arrives  at  its  destination  early  the  next  morning;  whereas,  if 
despatched  from  Hammersmith  at  the  same  time,  it  would  not  be 
delivered  there  before  two  o'clock  on  the  following  afternoon.  Either, 
therefore,  the  foot-passengers  and  the  omnibuses  are  all  bewitched,  or 
else  the  mail-carts  arc  so ;  unless,  indeed,  the  Post  Office  authorities 
are  under  the  influence  of  a  spell  which  renders  them  inattentive  to 
Hammersmith  letters.  Under  the  new  postal  arrangements  Hammer- 
smith is  marked  "W.,"  for  West.  This  is  at  present  a  mistake.  The 
mark  for  that  so-called  suburb  ought  to  be  F.  W.,"  signifying  Far 
West.  

THE  THEEADNEEDLE  STREET  CHAETIST. 

ME.  WEGUELIX,  the  Governor  of  the  Bank  of  England,  who  aspires 
to  the  representation  of  Southampton,  appears  to  bej  a  man  of  note 
rather  than  celebrity.  

INDISPENSABLE  IK  A  TEETOTAL  BALL-ROOM.— Pumps ! 


48 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  31,  1857. 


WHERE  ARE  THE    POLICE? 

Small   but  Brutal  Shoe-boy  (loq).    '"Ave  yer  Moostarckcrs  blacked, 
Capting? — Do  'em  for  a  a' -penny I" 


HOW    TO    BEHAVE    OURSELVES. 

Or  all  reading,  we  like  the  literature  of  etiquette.  We  never  open  a 
book  of  manners,  without  a  pleasant  sense  of  our  ignorance — the  igno- 
rance that  is  perfect  bliss.  We  really  feel  that  we  have  been,  even  at 
the  best  oyster  parties,  but  as  a  child  playing  with  the  shells,  now  and 
then  it  is  true,  swallowing  an  oyster,  but  without  any  thought  of  the 
pearls  that  we  were  casting  to  our  porcine  appetite.  And  then,  con- 
scious of  our  shortcomings,  stricken  with  conviction  of  what  is  wanting 
in  us,  we  feel  inexpressibly  grateful  that  we  have  arrived  at  the  age  of 
— well,  no  matter  what— knowing  so  little,  and  faring  so  well.  For 
instance,  we  learn  for  the  first  time,  from  the  'Etiquette  and  Bail-Room 
Guide,  that — 

"When  you  receive  visitors,  do  not  sliow  off  your  wardrobe.  It  is  kind  tt>  ymtr 
friend*  (o  'give  them  a  chance  of  outshining  you;  or,  to  put  this  more  seriously,  you 
should  be  sure  that  your  own  appearance  will  not  shame  the  worst-dressed  man  that 
may  happen  to  come." 

Henceforth,,  when  we  "  receive,"  we  put  aside  our  brilliant  studs,'and 
merely  exhibit  our  modest  ivories.  Nor  henceforth  will  we,  with 
unfeeling  vanity  "  shame  "  dear,  good  MUDDASON;  who,  for  "  dress," 
always  reads  "dirt,"  and  enters  the  drawing-room  with  a  splash. 
Henceforth,  far  be  from  us  the  vanity,  the  unfeeling  conceit  of 
varnished  boots.  No :  we  will  sink  to  the  homely  level  of  BIGGLES- 
TVADE,  and  "receive"  in  high-lows. 

The  next  formula  on  "  the  art  of  introduction "  should  be  deeply 
considered  by  men ;  they  would  perhaps  Jearn  from  it  humility,  and 
perhaps  not. — 

**  In  the  act  of  introduction,  the  inferior  is  always  presented  to  the  superior  ;  for 
instance,  ike  gentleman  to  the  lady,  and  not  the  lady  to  the  gentleman." 

Of  course  not :  women — we  beg  their  pardon,  ladies — being  in  all 
English  conditions  superior  to  the  inferior  animal,  man.  Hence,  have 
we  a  queen  :  hence,  women  have  the  first  seats  in  Parliament  (in  the 
gallery) :  hence  have  they  the  first  word,  we  need  say  nothing  of  the 
last,  for  that  speaks  for  itself.  In  fact,  in  ail  cases  woman  is  superior 
to  the  man.  It  is  not  only  the  law  of  England,  but  the  law  of 
nature.  Therefore,  TOMKINS,  when  at  MRS.  NOGGINS'S  ball — for  which 
she  has  sent  out  cards — you  are  introduced  to  Miss  JEMIMA  SMITH, 
bow  low,  and  consider  yourself  considerably  beneath  the  superior 
JEMIMA.  And  remember,  TOMKINS,  you  are  compensated  for  tliis 
humility  by  the  assurance  of  the  author  that  "  the  first  act  of  courtesy 
should  always  come  from  the  lady,"  an  old  truth,  as  old  as  Paradise, 
when  EVE  courteously  offered  the  apple  to  her  husband.  By  the  way, 
speaking  of  apples,  we  are  told  that—"  If  the  lady  who  sits  next  to  you 
at  dinner  should  ask  you  to  pare  an  apple  or  an  orange,  hold  it  with 
your  fork  to  do  so."  Had  father  ADAMjdone  this,  it  is  not  improbable 


that  he  might  have  thought  twice  ere  he  had  tasted  that  tremendous 
pippin.    The  next  injunction  is  full  of  divine  philosophy : — 

"If  you  are  offered  anything  nice  to  eat  or  drink,  do  no[  pass  it  to  somebody  else. 
the  reason  is  obvious  ;  you  thereby  charge  your  friend  with  overlooking  the  claims 
of  another." 

And  how  gross,  how  indelicate  such  an  implication!  Nevertheless, 
how  constant  throughout  life  is  the  tendency  of  mankind  not  to  keep 
what  is  nice,  but  to  pass  it  to  somebody  else !  After  this  fashion,  how 
do  women  give  away  their  hearts,  and — bless  them ! — often  think 
nothing  of  the  present.  The  concluding  sentence  has  all  the  weight 
and  music  of  the  deep  harmonies  of  LORD  BACON. 

"Do  not  be  so  absurd  as  to  refuse  to  take  'the  last  piece,' or  auy.nonseuse  of 
tliat  sort." 

The  counsel,  perhaps,  would  be  more  complete  (we  suggest  any 
improvement  with  tremulous  diffidence)  if  it  ran  thus :— '"  Make  sure 
of  the  first  piece,  and  end  as  you  begin." 

As  to  the  treatment  of  ladies,  the  profound  observer  of  human 
nature  declares  that — 

"There  is  a  certain  fulsome  obtrusiveness  of  attention  to  ladies,  to  which  some 
gentlemen  are  given,  :ind  which  is  very  offensive.  Pray  you,  avoid  it." 

Tims,  though  you  are  in  your  own  looking-glass,  that  neycr  yet 
deceived  you,  lovely  as  AXTINOUS,  do  not  behove  that  the  ladies 'may 
entertain  the  same  reflections.  Do  not,  therefore,  in  the  invincibility 
of  your  own  fascinations,  be  fulsomely  obtrusive ;  do  not  let  your  fore- 
finger rebuke  a  vagrant  tress  that  may  have  wandered  on  the  -white 
brow  of  AUGUSTA,  whom,  haply,  you  see  for  the  first  time ;  neither 
take  the  hand  of  EUGENIA  (perhaps  you  have  beheld  her  twice)  between 
the  pressure  of  vour  own,  and  carry  the  blushing  tips  of  her  fingers  to 
your  idolatrous  lips.  Again,  when  you  look  at  a  lady,  perhaps  for  the 
third  time,  do  not  gaze  upon  her  as  a  sparrow-hawk  takes  its  oird's-eye 
look  of  a  chicken ;  neither  scrutinize  her  features  closely  as  young 
MOSES  SOLOMON  questions  the  validity  of  a  doubtful  shilling. 

"  Presents  "  are  wisely  discriminated.  "  You  must  not  make 
presents  to  your  superiors."  For  instance,  it  would  not  be  etiquette 
for  you,  JONES,  or  for  ourselves,  to  send  a  brace  of  birds  to  His  ROYAL 
HIGHNESS  PRINCE  ALBERT.  Neither  would  a  present  of  dairy-fed 
pork  be  complimentary  in  the  same  distinguished  quarter,  seeing  that 
His  Royal  Highness  breeds  his  own  pigs. 

"  Of  course  there  are  exceptions.  For  instance,  if  you  are  the  writer  of  a  book,  or 
the  painter  of  a  picture,  you  may  safely  offer  it  to  any  one.  Or.  if  you  are  a  sailor, 
you  may  request  a  lady  to  accept  the  skin  of  a  rare  auitnatfor  a  toilet-mat ;  or  anything 
of  that  sort." 

A  parrot,  whose  education  has  been  carefully  superintended  on  the 
forecastle,  would,  doubtless,  be  very  acceptable  to  a  serious  family. 
Having  planted  your  parrot  in  the  bosom  of  the  circle,  possibly  you 
may  fall  in  love  with  DINAH.  Well,  you  are  a  wild  worldly  fellow,  and 
have  been  seen  by  the  REV.  MR.  HOWLAWAY  (who  himself  attended 
for  convertible  purposes)  at  JULLIEN'S  Concerts.  DINAH  will  not 
have  you :  she  still  treads  the  tiger  catskin  you  gave  her  under  her 
feet,  and  still  rejects  you.  What  is  your  appointed  conduct,  under 
such  truly  agonizing  circumstances  ?  Why — 

"  If  a  lady  declare  herself  unwilling  to  receive  your  addresses,  retire  from  the 
field  at  once,  with  dignified  courtesy." 

Excellent  advice :  still,  dignity  is  difficult.  For  ourselves,  we  should 
counsel  a  new  plunge.  The  best  mode  of  recovery  is  to  fall  in  love 
again  as  soon  as  possible. 

"  If  the  courtship  assumes  the  usual  tliapf,  be  kind  and  respectful  to  the  friends  of 
the  woman  you  profess  to  love,  and  do  not  bore  them  by  too  frequent  calls." 

We  confess  that  our  author  is  here  a  little  unsatisfactory.  It  is  very 
true  that  by  abstaining  from  "  too  frequent  calls  "  you  may  please 
mamma  and  papa ;  but  how  about  the  beloved  object :  what  says  the 
pouting  JEMIMA? 

In  the  matter  of  dancing,  the  benevolence  of  our  author  oozes  forth 
like  aromatic  gums.  He  says — 

"  A  kind-hearted  gentleman  will  not  fail  to  lead  out  [ladies  who  appear  to  be 
neglected  by  others — but  he  will  not  do  it  ostentatiously." 

Henceforth,  having  arrived  at  a  contemplative  period  of  life,  we  will 
be  that  kind-hearted  gentleman. 

N.B.  Balls  attended  (where  good  suppers  intervene),  and  plain 
partners  led  out  with  case  and  despatch. 


"  Monarchs  Retired  from  Business." 

LET  us  hope  that  in  the  next  edition  that  may  be  called  for  of 
DR.  DOIIAN'S  book  under  this  title,  there  may  be  a  supplement, 
devoted  to  KING  BOMHA  and  Pio  NONO. 


A   WHITE    STORY. 


PROFESSOR  BLACKIE  intends  to  visit  the  United  States,  but,  out  of 
deference  to  public  opinion  in  America,  will,  on  arriving  in  the  Model 
Republic,  change  his  name. 


JANUARY  31,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


BOMBA    THE    BENEVOLENT. 

OM  ISA'S  benevolence  exceeds 
nil  bounds.  Not  content 
with  bestowing  on  some 
thousands  of  his  subjects 
five  maintenance  and  lodg- 
ing for  the  chief  part  of  their 
lives— giving  them  unasked 
admission  to  the  Royal 
Almshouscs  (known  to 
coarser  minds  by  the  name 
of  the  State  Prisons),  and 
ihnc  providing  them  with 
bod  and  board,  the  former 
of  the  two  being  in  fact  the 
latter,  except  where  its  stead 
be  supplied  by  a  stone  floor- 
ing ;  not  satisfied,  in  short, 
with  the  safe  keeping  of 
their  bodies,  the  King  is  now 
taking  thoughtful  measures 
to  ensure  also  the  safety  of 
their  souls.  A  paragraph, 
which  is  quoted  by  the  Daily 
News  from  the  "  official 
journal  of  Naples,"  informs 
us  that  KING  BOMBA  by  a 
recent  edict  has,  in  his  cle- 
mency, decreed  as  follows : — 

"  Cherishing  in  our  royal  soul 
the  desire  of  improving  more 
and  moro  the  condition  of  our 
prisoners,  and  wishing  that  their 
moral  shall  not  be  inferior  to  their 
material  improvement,  we  decree 
that  the  moral  and  religious  di- 
rection of  those  who  are  detained 
in  prison  is  entrusted  to  the 
reverend  fathers  of  the  society  of 
Jesus.  One  of  the  reverend 
fathers  shall  form  part  of  the 
Commission  of  Prisons,  and  will 
have  a  deliberative  voice  iu  'the 
examination  of  affairs." 

Still  having  in  our  mental  ears  what  MR.  GLADSTONE  told  us  of  the 
horrors  and  enormities  of  the  Naples  State  Dungeons,  we  fear  that  if 
the  moral  condition  of  the  prisoners  be  no  better  than  the  material, 
they  most  of  them  must  be  in  a  truly  "  parlous  state."  But  seeing 
that  sick  bodies  do  sometimes  make  sick  minds,  although  the  reverse 
be  the  more  commonly  held  axiom,  would  it  not  be  greater  charity 
were  the  King  to  "  cherish  in  his  royal  soul "  a  desire  for  the  corporeal 
improvement  of  his  victims,  before  pretending  to  take  measures  for 
their  spiritual  benefit  ? 

By  the  clement  KING  OP  NAPLES  the  State  Prisons,  it  is  obvious, 
are  regarded  rather  as  but  adult  charity  schools  •  their  inmates  being 
one  and  all  "detained"  there  solely  for  their  good,  and  for  the  sake  of 
"  improving  more  and  more  their  condition."  Viewing  it  in  this  light, 
we  are  indeed  so  struck  with  KING  BOMBA'S  bounty,  that  we  think  his 
name  should  be  coupled  with  a  fitting  epithet,  to  denote  the  quality 
for  which  he'.lives  distinguished.  If  the  name  of  BOMBA  be  handed  to 
posterity — and  even  that  of  NERO  still  survives  to  it — we  would  have 
him  descend  (although  we  own  he  cannot  sink  much  lower)  as  BOMBA 
THE  BENEVOLENT. 


MANGLING  DONE  HERE. 

A  Classical  Duet  oa  the  Persian  War,  showing  how  JOHN  BULL  was  at 
first  induced  to  complain  of  the  Expedition,  but  finding  that  he  was 
too  late,  he  was  consoled,  and  drank  with  the  jovial  Minister. 

Sail.  Persicos  odi,  PAM,  apparatus. 

Pam.  Russia  might  come  to  Herat,  and  checkmate  us. 

Bull.  Nee  te  Ministrum  dedecet  myrtus. 

Pam.  Go  in  for  laurel,  the  Persians  can't  hurt  us. 

Bull.  Persicos  odi,  I  'm  a  repeater. 

Pam.  Late  is  your  protest,  sera  moretur. 

Bull.  Where 's  my  eorouse  ? 

Pa>n.  Cartwheels  ?    I  've  spent  'em. 

Pam.  /What 's  the  odds  ?  Drink  to  me,  vite  bibentem. 


FINANCE   EIDDLE. 

MY  first  is  a  preposition,  my  second  is  an  invitation,  my  third  is  a 
bore,  and  my  whole  is  a  swindle— lu-come-Tax. 


"  DEAR  BILL,  THIS  STONE-JUG." 

(Being  an  Epistle  from  TOBY  CRACKSMAN,  in  Newgate,  to  BILL  SYKES.) 

DEAR  BILL,  this  stane-jug,1  at  which  flats  dare  to  rail, 

(From  which  till  the  next  Central  sittings  1  hail) 

Is  still  the  same  suutr,  free-and-easy  old  hole, 

"Where  MACIIKATH  met  his  bloteetu,1  and  WYLDE  floor'd  his  bowl 

In  a  ward  with  one's  pals*  not  locked  up  in  a  cell, 

To  an  old  hand  like  me  it 's  afam  'ly*-hotel. 

In  the  day-rooms  the  cuffum*  we  queer  at  our  ease, 
And  at  Darkman's6  we  run  the  rig  just  as  we  please ; 
There's  yo\a: peck1  and  your  lush,  hot  and  icg'lar,  each  day, 
All  the  same  if  you  work,  all  the  same  if  yon  play. 
But  the  lark's  when  a  goney*  up  with  us  they  shut, 
As  ain't  up  to  our  lurks,9  our  flash-patter,10  and  smut ; 

But  soon  in  his  eye  nothing  green  will  remain, 
He  knows  what's  o'clock  wlim  he  comes  out  again. 
And  the  next  time  lie  *s  qitodded,n  so  downy  and  snug, 
He  may  thank  us  for  making  \\m\jty  to  thejuii.1'- 
But  here  comes  a  ouilin—  which  cuts  short  my  tale. 
It 's  agin  rules  is  screevin' 1:i  to  pals  out  o'  gaol. 

(The  following  postscript  seems  to  have  been  added  when  the 
,  li'r  passed.) 

Tor  them  coves  in  Guildhall  and  that  blessed  LOKD  MAYOR, 
Prigs  on  their  four  bones  should  chop  whiuers,u  I  swear : 
That  long  over  Newgit  their  Worships  may  ride, 
As  the  High-toby,  mob,  crack  and  sereene 15  model-school ; 
Tor  if  Guv'ment  was  here,  not  the  Aldermen's  Bench, 
Newgit  soon  'ud  be  bad  as  "  the  Pent "  or  "  the  Tench." 16 

Note.— We  subjoin  a  Glossary  of  MB.  CRACKSMAN'S  lingo  :— 

1  Prison.  3  Ladies  of  a  certain  description.  *  Comrades  or  fast  friends. 

4  Thieves  speak  of  themselves  as  "family-men."  "Warders.  6  Night. 

7  Meat  and  drink.  «  A  greenhorn.  9  Tricks  of  the  trade.  ">  Talking 

slang.  "  Imprisoned.  u  Up  to  prison  ways.  13  Writing.  "  Thieves 
should  pray  on  their  knees.  15  Highway-robbers,  swell-mobsmen,  burglars, 

and  forgers.  >6  Slang  names  for  Pentonville  Model  Prison  and  Milbank 

Penitentiary. 


THE  BRITISH  BANK  IN  PARLIAMENT. 

WE  learn  with  great  pleasure  that  on  an  early  day  of  the  Session,  a 
Bill  will  be  brought  into  the  House  for  the  better  protection  of  all 
bank  depositors,  and  the  surer  punishment  of  all  shortcoming  directors. 
The  Bill  will  be  brought  in  by  Mr.  JOHN  MACGREGOR,  still  member 
for  patient  Glasgow,  wno  will  advocate  the  measure  with  his  customary 
eloquence,  and  illustrate  the  subject  with  the  most  copious  details 
drawn  from  long  and  close  experience. 

Depositors  and  shareholders  of  the  Royal  British  will,  we  doubt  not, 
be  glad  19  hear  that  MR.  HUGH  INNES  CAMERON,  though  absent,  is 
still  considered  very  dear  by  a  large  number  of  anxious  inquirers. 
MR.  CAMERON  sojourns  in  the  Holy  Land.  Whilst  engaged  in  the 
Royal  British,  it  was  not  possible  for  him  to  give  more  than  a  piece  of 
his  active  mind  to  religious  matters  (we  believe  that  prayers  were  only 
said  in  the  Royal  British  once  or  twice  a-day),  but  that  released  from 
the  entanglements  of  Mammon,  he  now  devotes  the  whole  of  his  time 
to  serious  subjects.  The  worthy  gentleman  has  been  busy  carrying  on 
excavations  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Jerusalem,  and  has  discovered^ the 
country  seat  of  BAHABBAS,  which  it  is  said  he  proposes  to  occupy. 
Such  a  dwelling-place  to  such  a  mind  must  abound  with  the  most 
impressive  associations. 


THE  BAYSWATER  BROTHERS  (whose  height  is  respectively  6  feet 
4  inches,  and  6  feet  11,  and  the  united  breadth  of  whose  shoulders  extends  to 
as  much  as  3  yards,  1  foot,  5  inches)  give,  respectfully,  notice  to  the  Gentry  and 
Public  of  Paddington,  Kensington,  Stoke  Newingtou,  Chelsea,  Eaton  Square,  and 
Shepherd'^  Bush,  that  they  will  be  most  happy,  upon  all  social  and  jovial  expeditions, 
such  as  dinner  and  evening  parties,  as  well  as  tee-total  meetings,  to  escort  elderly 
or  nervous  persons  in  the  streets  after  dark,  and  to  wait  for  them  during  their  pleasure, 
so  as  to  be  able  to  escort  them  home  again  in  safety.  No  suburb,  however  dangerous, 
objected  to,  and  the  worst  garotting  districts  well  known,  as  the  Brothers,  both 
BILL  and  JIM,  were  for  several  mouths  in  the  Police  Force. — Terms,  so  much  a  head 
per  hour,  according  to  the  person's  walk  of  life.  A  considerable  reduction  on  taking 
a  party  of  twelve,  or  more.  Distance  no  object  Testimonials,  and  ample  security 
given.  For  further  particulars,  Apply  to  B.  B.,  Royal  Humane  Society,  Trafalgar 
Square.  ' 

The  Pantomimes. 

THE  playgoer  will  be  startled— and  very  much  startled— when  he 
sees  the  subjoined  managerial  opinions  of  the  managerial  pantomime, 
written  with  a  pen  plucked  from  the  wing  of  truth. 

"  By  no  means  the  least  effective  pantomime." — Drvry  Lane. 

"  Certainly  not  the  worst  pantomime."—  Haymarket. 

"  As  far  as  pantomimes  go,  very  good  for  a  pantomime." — Adelplii. 


LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  31,  1857. 


COOL    REQUEST. 

Lady  Crinoline.   "You  WON'T  MIND  RIDING  ON  THE  Box,  EDWAUD  DEAB,  WILL  YOU?— I'M  AFRAID,  IP  WE  BOTH  GO  INSIDE  HIE 

BllOUGHAM,   MY  NEW  DRESS   WILL  GET   SO  HUMP-LED  !  " 


"THE   PLAYHOUSE  IS   IN  FLAMES!" 

OUR  Conservative  contemporary,  the  Press,  who  has  suddenly  dis- 
covered that  it  is  his  duty  to  be  a  Destructive,  in  regard  to  what  he 
calls  "  theatrical  humbug,"  is  pleased  to  remark  that  he  has  received 

"  Abuse  for  daring  to  say  that  most  theatrical  notices  were  puffs  secured  by 
management,  that  most  theatrical  audiences,  by  their  impartial  attendance  at  good 
performances  and  vile  ones,  show  that  they  neither  care  for  nor  comprehend  the 
difference,  and  that  several  actors  and  actresses  are  by  no  means  the  marvels  they 
allege  themselves  to  be." 

We  should  rather  think  he  had.  Is  he  surprised  at  it  ?  He  must  bo 
rather  a  green  critic  if  he  imagines  that  he  is  to  attack  the  three 
strongholds  of  theatricalism —  its  Mamelon,  Malakhoff,  and  Redan, 
puffing,  ignorance,  and  vanity — without  getting  shots  from  the  mud- 
works  in  reply.  Abuse  !  What  else  did  he  expect  ?  Does  he  not 
kno\v  that  if  you  praise  an  actor  from  the  tip  of  his  feather  to  the  heel 
of  his  shoe,  and  then  hint  that  his  hat  was  a  little  on  one  side,  or  his 
buckle  a  trifle  too  large,  he  instantly  sets  down  all  the  praise  as  mere 
hypocrisy,  and  regards  you  as  his  enemy  for  life,  and  the  hired  minion 
of  some  rival  ?  Marsyas,  after  Apollo's  flaying  him,  was  pachydermatous 
compared  to  a  criticised  actor.  And  then  the  Press  expects  to  escape 
unpelted  for  laying  on  the  lash  all  round.  However,  it  is  comforting 
to  be  told  that — , 

"  We  have,  per  cnntra,  been  informed  by  actors  of  the  first  class,  by  persons  who 
love  the  drama,  and  by  members  of  literary  and  cultivated  society,  that  we  '  have 
hit  the  right  nail  on  the  head,'  and  can  do  much  service  to  the  stage  and  its  pro- 
fessors by  exposing  the  humbug  which  surrounds  them  with  a  false  atmosphere." 

If  the  Press  would  do  us  the  honour  to  take  a  hint  from  us,  we 
should  recommend  it  neither  to  heed  nor  to  register  abuse  on  one  side 
or  approbation  on  the  other.  If,  in  a  humble  way,  it  would  imitate 
Mr.  Punch,  serene  in  his  conscience,  and  steady  in  his  purpose,  and 
would  never  disquiet  itself,  it  would  be  saved  a  good  deal  ot  trouble. 
However,  that  lofty  philosophy  is  not  to  be  expected  from  everybody — 
non  ex  quovis  Ligno  jit  Punckus. 


THIS  PICTURE 


AND 


THIS. 


THE  PRINCE  IMPERIAL  already 
deyelopcs  all  the  striking  charac- 
teristics of  his  illustrious  parents. 
His  hair  of  the  palest  gold,  falls  in 
rich  clusters  adown  his  neck,  and 
is  beautifully  symbolical  of  the 
prosperous  fortune  brought  by  the 
genius  and  wisdom  of  his  heroic 
and  sagacious  sire  on  France.  His 
brow  is  square  and  broad  as  a  tab- 
let; whereon  might  be  written, 
were  it  necessary,  another  Code 
Napoleon.  The  month  reminds  the 
Biblical  beholder  of  the  riddle  of 
SAMSON,  in  which  the  sweetness 
of  honey  is  mingled  with  the 
strength  of  the  lion.  His  vivacity 
is  unbounded,  and  his  laugh  rings 
as  with  the  shrill  note  of  a  silver 
trumpet;  the  clarion  of  France. 
It  is  said  by  those  most  intimate 
with  the  person  of  the  IMPERIAL 
PRINCE,  that  his  right  shoulder  is 
marked  with  a  bee ;  while  his  left 
is  visibly  impressed  with  a  violet. 
— The  Mouiteur. 


THE  infant  of  31.  BUONAPARTE 
gives  unmistakeable  evidence  of  his 
parentage.  There  can  at  least  be 
no  doubt  in  his  case.  His  features 
arc  of  the  coarsest  mould.  His 
hair  has  a  deep,  sanguine  colour ; 
in  fact  quite  a  Second  of  December 
tint.  Dull  and  inflexible,  it  is  a 
t.\pc  of  the  man  who  dominates 
France.  The  forehead  is  low  and 
retreating  ;  altogether  of  a  siinial 
character.  The  jaws  protrude  and 
develops  the  merest  animal  in- 
stincts. M.  BUONAPARTE'S  child 
has,  to  the  present  period,  shown 
a  total  absence  of  the  gaiety  and 
sportiveness  that  are  the  insepar- 
able characteristics  of  infancy.  His  ; 
look  is  a  scowl :  and  his  voice  a  ' 
snarl.  We  do  not  profess  to  vouch  j 
for  the  truth  of  I  he  rumour — which 
vre  take  at  its  worth — but  it  is  said 
the  brat  is  marked  on  its  right  arm 
with  a  poniard. — The  Red  Repi'b- 


Taxation  at  Best. 

A  JUST  system  of  taxation  is  one  [which  would  press  with  equal 
hardship  on  everybody,  inflict  on  all  the  same  amount  of  suffering,  be 
felt  alike  inconvenient  and  objectionable  by  each  individual,  and  give 
no  one  person  more  reason  for  grumbling  and  swearing  than  another. 


I'riuted  by  William  Br»dbury,  of  No.  13,  fpper  Wobum  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  !«o.  19,  Queen's  Ko.Tl  V,"e<t,  Repeal's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex. 
Printers,  at  their  Ollice  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  \Vhitefriars,  in  the  City  01  Loadjn,  aud  i'ubli  ' 


, 
London,— SATUKDAT,  January  31, 1857 


ublWud  b/  them  at  Ho.  So,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  at 


FEBRUARY  7,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   Oil  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


51 


THE    BATTLE    OF    THE    PANTOMIMES. 

HE  Pantomimists,  in 
addition  to  the  tricks 
which  they  exhibit  on 
the  stage,  have  a  trick 
of  trying  to  draw  audi- 
ences —  if  the  word 
"audience  "  be  appli- 
cable where  the  show 
is  strictly  dumb-show 
— by  announcing  that 
theirs  is  the  best  pan- 
tomime in  London,  and 
inferring  that  it  were  a 
waste  of  money  for  any 
one  to  pay  for  seeing 
any  other.  We  learn 
from  our  statistical  re- 
i  porter  that  in  seven 
'  play-bills  which  he  has 
lately  purchased  there 
occurs  in  sis  of  them  a 
claim  of  having  "the 
best  Pantomime,  Com- 
pany," while  in  the 
seventh  there  is  added 
a  remark,  that  if  you 
doubt  the  fact,  you 
have  but  to  "  come  and 
see  if  it  isn't."  Now 
this  challenge  to  our 
criticism  seems  reason- 
able enough,  until  we 
reflect  that  to  judge 
with  correctness  of  the 
claimed  superlativity 

we  must  visit  individually  each  one  of  the  competitors ;  for  until  we  have  inspected  all  the 
pantomimes  in  London,  how  can  we  with  any  truthfulness  declare  which  is  the  best.  It  would 
seem,  then,  that  our  previous  inference  has  been  deduced  incorrectly,  and  that  the  assertion 
of  superiority,  which  appears  at  first  to  warn  one  from  the  doors  of  other  theatres,  in  reality 
provokes  one  to  pay  a  visit  and  a  shilling  to  them :  so  that  the  philosopher  is  tempted  to 
suspect  that  he  would  find,  if  he  could  only  get  a  peep  behind  the  scenes,  that  the  opposition 
companies  form,  in  fact,  a  coalition,  and  while  pretending  in  their  posters  to  be  playing  The 
Rivals,  are  in  truth  very  amicably  playing  into  one  another's  hands. 

But  the  pantomime  harvest  is  at  longest  but  a  short  one,  and  with  Christmas  it  comes  but 
once  a  year  to  us.  So  although  the  philosopher  may  have  suffered  from  the  Income-Tax,  and 
have  become  morose  and  a  rather  strict  economist,  let  us  hope  that  he  can  still  afford  to 
laugh  at  any  harmless  little  dodgery  that  maybe  used  to  keep  the  Pantaloons  a.  little  longer 
on  their  legs,  and  enable  the  Harlequins  to  leap  a  little  farther  into  the  spring  than  they 
might  otherwise  have  been  engaged  to  do.  A.  Columbine's  roses  are  by  no  means  thornless, 
and  Mr.  Merriman  has  often  cause  to  show  himself  a  sad  dog  in  private  :  so  we  will  nol 
judge  too  critically  of  the  means  which  we  may  find  are  tried  to  keep  the  roses  in  bloom, 
ana  the  Merriman  from  laughing  on  the  wrong  side  of  his  mouth. 


LITERATURE    FOE,  LADIES. 

WE  understand  that  the  producers  of  those  interesting  serials,  the  illustrated  books  o: 
fashions,  are  becoming  seriously  inconvenienced  by  the  growing  amplitude  of  ladies'  dresses 
They  have  already,  it  appears,  enlarged  their  engraving-plates  to  more  than  twice  their 
former  size,  but  even  this  extent  is  weekly  proving  less  and  less  sufficient  to  give  a  faithfu 
picture  of  the  costumes  now  in  vogue.  We  learn  indeed  from  one  of  their  most  skilfu 
draughtsmen,  that  he  finds  it  quite  impossible  to  so  reduce  the  scale,  as  to  draw  a  lady': 
figure  in  full  evening  dress  within  the  comparatively  contracted  space  assigned  him.  Even 
on  the  scale  of  only  one-twentieth  of  an  inch  to  a  yard  he  finds  the  largest  quarto  double  page 
by  far  too  narrow  to  contain  all  the  widths  of  a  fashionable  ball  dress  •  and  he  quite  antici 
pates  that  he  will  soon  be  forced  to  draw  half  a  skirt  at  a  time,  and  get  the  publisher  to 
intimate  that  it  will  be  "  continued  in  our  next." 

Knowing  from  experience  that  the  votaries  of  fashion  are  prepared  to  go  any  lengths— or 
widths — in  following  their  leader,  it  would  not  at  all  astonish  us  to  find  that  their  circum 
ference  increased  to  such  extent  that,  to  do  it  proper  justice,  the  fashion-books  were 
furnished  with  plates  as  big  as  dinner-tables.  Unless  the  mode  become  more  moderate,  our 
daughters  will  be  coming  home  with  their  Belle's  Litres  about  the  size  of  Atlases,  with 
engravings  upon  folding  leaves,  which  when  spread  out  would  paper  naif  our  dressing-room 
Indeed,  if  those  "  art-treasures,"  the  millinery  magazines,  be  filed  at  the  Museum  with  our 
other  current  literature,  it  will  soon,  we  think,  be  rendered  requisite  to  build  an  extra 
wing  to  hold  them.  

A  Domestic   Stampede. 

IT  is  melancholy  or  droll,  according  to  the  constitution  of  the  observer's  mind,  to  notice 
with  what  rapidity  children,  who  are  playing  about  their  mother's  knee,  will  instantly  decamp 
on  the  announcement  of  their  early  dinner. 


THE  TEN  TOWNS. 

Or,  Mr.  Punch's  Complete  Handbook  to  his  friend 
MR.  HILL'S  New  Postal  Plan. 

ROWLAND  HILL  has  just  divided 

London's  waste  of  brick  by  ten ; 
Every  change,  of  course,  is  chided, 

By  our  stupid  "business-men." 
But  the  plan  has  pleased  their  betters, 

HILL'S  new  boundary  rails  are  cast, 
And  those  nuisances,  our  Letters, 

Will  be  brought  us  twice  as  fast. 

Neither  timide  nor  temere 

HILL  proceeds :  his  scheme  to  aid 
ROWLAND  begs  you  '11  fix  in  memory, 

These  new  districts  he  has  made. 
Punch,  believing  that  in  no  land 

Works  a  sounder  man  than  HILL, 
Begs  to  give,  in  help  of  ROWLAND, 

Some  Mnemonics,  framed  with  skill. 

Let  us  take  some  leading  feature 

In  each  district  thus  assigned, 
And  the  most  oblivious  creature 

Soon  will  bear  the  name  in  mind. 
Unto  its  Initials  adding, 

Endings  new  but  apropos, 
ROWIAND'S  heart  you  '11  soon  be  gladding 

By  the  ready  skill  you  'E  show. 

Thus :— N.W.'s region's  lying 

All  around  the  Regent's  Park, 
"iWhat  Nice  Willas  folks  are  buying 

Round  those  parts,"  is  your  remark. 
W.  holds  the  whole,  or  nearly, 

Of  the  Fashionable  Squares, 
Think  of  "Wealth,"  or  (more  severely)   : 

Of  the  Wanton  Waste  it  dares. 

Lawyers,  and  good  COKAM'S  Foundlings, 

All  are  found  in  W.C. 
Theatres  delight  its  groundlings, 

Wicked  Creatures,  is  your  key. 
Pimlico  is  in  S.W., 

Brompton  fast,  and  Chelsea  mild. 
There  the  Shouting  Wretches  trouble  you 

With  the  Cries  that  drive  you  wild. 

E/s  for  England,  represented 

By  her  fittest  symbol,  Docks, 
There 's  her  Empire,  sea-cemented, 

Throned  upon  a  thousand  stocks. 
Lady,  your  New  Evening  dresses 

Come  from  yonder  scorned  N.E., 
There  the  weaving  Frenchman  blesses 

Nantes' Edict.    Ahl  «MMOW'/ 

S.  for"  Suburbs,  neat  and  cheapish, 

Brixton,  Camberwell,  Vauxhall, 
And  one's  friend  looks  rather  Sheepish 

Bidding  you  to  come  and  call ; 
Yet  that  part  in  turn  outhectors 

Yonder  dismal  hole  S.  E., 
Southwark,  where  the  Snob  Electors 

Choose  Sia  CHAELES  and  APSLEY  P. 

Under  N.  the  map  embraces 

Islington  and  Pentonveal, 
Folks  who  ask  you  to  such  places, 

Are  a  Nuisance,  don't  you  feel  ? 
While  what 's  ancient,  rich,  or  witty, 

Makes  E.G.  a  glorious  bunch, 
That 's  our  own  Eternal  City, 

Tower  and  Bank,  St.  Paul's  and  Punch  ! 


Fashion  for  Statute  Fairs. 

A  STATUTE  Fair  will  shortly  be  held  at  a  suit- 
able place.  The  Ticket-of-Leave  men  of  the  Me- 
tropolis, and  those  of  the  nation  at  large,  will  be 
invited  to  attend  with  their  Tickets-ot-Leave  in 
their  hats,  which  will  doubtless  give  them  a  great 
advantage  over  unconvicted  labourers,  in  com- 
petition for  employment.  The  site  which  has 
been  selected  for  this  hopeful  labour-market  is 
Gotham. 


TOL.  XXXII, 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  7,  1857. 


MARY    ANN'S    NOTIONS. 


Y  DEAB  ME.  PUNCH, — Youn  last  piece  of 
advice  is  very  rude,  and  I  shall  certainly 
not  take  it.  Drop  politics,' indeed !  Just 
like  the  selfishness  of  men !  At  the  very 
moment  when  Parliament  is  beginning,  and  there  is  some  little  interest 
in  the  subject,  I  am  told  to  drop  it,  that  it  may  be  left  to  your  he- 
writers.  I  shall  do  nothing  of  the  sort,  and  I  do  not  believe  .that 
.vou'.will  be  so  unkind  as  to  suppress  my  letters.1  J 

"However,  to-day  I  shall  comply  with  your  grumbling,2  because 
I  have  something  else  to  say.  At  least  I  don't  know— is  Divorce 
politics  ? 3  I  should  not  wonder  if  you  made  out  that  it  was,  and  if  it 
is.  I  can't  help  it.  How  you  can  read  that  beautiful  letter  of  MRS. 
NORTON'S,  and  not  all  of  you  set  to  work  with  all  your  might  to  try 
and  get  what  she  says  carried  into  effect,  I  cannot  conceive,  but  I  dare 
say  nothing  will  come  of  it.4  When  a  woman  who  can  write  such  a 
letter  as  that  condescends  to  address  you,  you  ought  to  pay  the  most 
respectful  attention,  and  be  grateful  for  her  advice — but  not  yon ;  and  I 
dare  say  the  mean  manly  feeling  (I  consider  manl  v  a  term  of  contempt 5) 
that  a  woman  ought  not  to  interfere  with  the  laws,  makes  you  treat 
her  with  even  more  coldness  than  if  a  man  had  made  the  suggestions 
she  does. 

"  As  for  divorce,  the'question  is  perfectly  simple.6  A  party  of  ladies 
could  draw  up  the  law  as  it  ought  to  be  in  ten  minutes,  only  you  must 
fuss  about  it  in  the  two  houses  of  Parliament,  and  talk  about  the 
Mosaic  law,  and  the  church,  and  the  fathers,  and  the  proctors,  and 
everything  that  has  nothing  to  do  with  the  matter.  How  can  Mosaic 
law  concern  it,  unless  to  be  sure  a  husband  has  made  his  wife  presents 
in  Mosaic  gold  ?  —  and  many  are  quite  stingy  enough  !  As  for  the  church, 
we  go  to  church  to  be  married,  not  to  be  divorced.  I  don't  know 
much  about  the  fathers,  but  if  they  were  fathers  of  daughters  they 
would  like  to  see  laws  made  for  their  good,  and  as  for  the  proctors. 
I  have  met  one  or  two  at  parties,  and  they  are  dreadful  stuck-up  old 
things,  whose  opinion  I  would  not  take  on  anything  but  starching  a 
cravat  ?'  If  people  who  have  nothing  to  do  with  a  subject  would  leave 
it  to  those  who  have — and  it  stands  to  reason  now,  my  dear  soul,  that 
the  person  who  wears  the  shoe  must  know  where  it  hurts 8 —  this 
question  could  be  settled  at  once. 

"A  man  ill-treats  his  wife.  Very  well.  Now  we  don't  want 
any  Acts  oV  the  House  of  Lords,  and  all  that,  coating  thousands 
of  pounds,  but  let  a  magistrate  sign  a  paper,  and  send  the 
husband  to  prison,  and  take  all  the  property  and  give  it  to  the 
wife.  Let  the  husband,  if  lie  has  any  trade  or  occupation  (and 
if  not  let  him  be  compelled  to  learn  one)  be  made  to  follow  it, 
in  prison,  and  let  the  money  he  earns  be  paid  over  to  the  wife  and 
children.  Now  what  can  be  simpler  than  that  ?  The  man  would  be 
made  industrious,  the  public  would  have  the  advantage  of  promoting 
trade,9  the  wife  would  be  protected  and  the  children  educated.  If, 
after  a  great  many  years  you  thought  he  had  thoroughly  repented,  you 
might  transport  liim  and  turn  him  loose  in  some  colony ;  only  make 
him  take  another  name,  that  his  wife  might  never  be  shocked  by  hear, 
ing  of  him.  Of  course,  if  she  liked  to  marry  again  at  any  time  she 
should  be  free  to  do  so ;  but  most  likely  she  would  think  she  had  had 
enough  of  matrimony. 


"There  now,  there  is  the  whole  thing  provided  for,  and  if  lawyers 
and  talkers  would  not  bi'ing  in  stupid  complications  and  objections, 
those  words  might  be  made  into  a  law,  and  there  would  be  an  end  of 
t  he  matter.  The  only  difficulty  that  I  sec  is,  as  to  what  should  be  done 
if  a  husband  runs  away ;  but  I  think  that  if  you  made  another  law, 
saying  that  if  they  did  this  they  should  be  executed,  and  any  person 
harbouring  them  should  be  transported  for  life,  it  would  prevent 
it.  This  would  not  be  a  bit  too  severe,  because,  you  see,  a  person  who 
leaves  his  children  without  the  means  of  being  educated  is  answerable 
for  all  the  crimes  they  may  commit.10  But  now  we  come  to  a  question 
which  you  will  be  sure  to  stir  up,  and  which  I  dare  say  men  would 
avail  themselves  of  to  defeat  the  punishment  they  ought  to  receive,  and 
this  is,  what  do  you  mean  by  ill-treatment  ?  Of  course,  if  a  man  were 
to  raise  his  hand  to  a  woman,  or  use  bad  words  at  her,  or  lock  her  in 
a  house  against  her  \vill,  or  any  other  flagrant  and  open  outrage,  there 
could  be  no  dispute.  But  there  are  thousands  of  other  injuries  which 
the  ridiculous  law  takes  no  notice  of,  because  it  was  made  by  men  who 
have  hard  and  coarse  natures,  and  do  not  even  see  or  hear  a  thing  that 
will  perhaps  keep  a  woman  crying  all  night."  And  then  there  are  dif- 
ferent grades  ot  society ;  and,  what  is  an  insult  to  a  woman  in  one 
sphere,  is  not  an  insult  to  a  woman  in  another.12  Then  again  (I  am 
coming  to  something  presently)  there  are  cases  in  which  a  woman 
mishit  like  only  to  punisli  a  husband  a  k'ttle,  in  the  hope  of  reforming, 
and  forgiving  him.  Also  he  might  sincerely  repent,  after  a  short  time, 
which,  if  he  was  a  man  of  any  feeling,  he  would  do.  Therefore,  and  this 
is  what  I  am  coming  to,  you  ought  not  to  attempt  to  make  a  law  pro- 
viding for  every  case  that  can  possibly  occur ;  for,  when  you  had  thought 
over  every  injury  which  a  man  could  do  his  wife,  his  evil  ingenuity 
would  invent  some  fresh  one.  There  ought  to  be  a  sort  of  Court  estab- 
lished, not  a  ridiculous  one  where|a  parcel  of  lawyers  chatter  because  they 
are  paid  for  it,  and  everybody  tries  for  victory,  not  for  what  is  right, 
but  more  like  a  committee.  Why,  when  we  had  a  committee  at  Worthing, 
for  giving  away  the  bread,  and  flannels,  and  coals  that  winter,  we  dis- 
cussed everything  quietly  enough ;  and,  what  is  more,  everybody  got 
bread,  and  flannels,  and  coals,  which  is  a  good  deal  more  than  men 
can  say  when  their  precious  administrative  powers  are  put  to  the  test, 
remember  the  Crimea  for  that. 13  But  this  committee  should  not  be 
all  women,  or  else  you  would  complain  of  partiality,  but  there  should 
be  some  dear  old  men  upon  it,  fathers  of  daughters,  with  white  hair 
and  benevolent  old  faces,  "  and  then  I  suppose  you  would  be  satisfied. 
These  questions  of  ill-treatment  might  be  brought  before  this  com- 
mittee, and  the  magistrate  might  go  by  their  decision.  Now  do  you 
mean  to  say  that  a  woman  can  suggest  nothing  practical  ? 

"Of  course,  my  dear  Mr.  Punch,  there  would  be  some  unreasonable 
complaints.  A  wife  might  bring  up  her  husband  for  not  being  dressed 
when  she  wanted  to  go  to  a  party,  and  refusing  to  go  (I  made  a  little 
picture  of  it  the  other  day,  and  I  send  it  you ;  you  can  put  it  in  Punch 
if  you  like,  oidy  mind  and  tell  the  printers  to  keep  the  face  pretty 15) 
and  though  I  don't  say  that  he  would  not  be  a  great  bear  and  deserve 
reprimand,  this  would  be  irrational  in  her.  But  you  may  rely  upon  it 
that  there  would  be  little  of  this.  Women  are  too  glad  to  keep  their 
husbands  when  they  can.  This  is  just  a  man's  aggravating  cavil,  and  I 
have  no  patience  with  it. 

"  Your  affectionate 

"Monday."  "MAHT  ANN." 

"  P.S.  If  you  ask  me,  whether  a  man  ought  to  be  able  to  get  rid  of 
his  wife  ? — 1  answer,  Certainly  not.  A  man  has  the  choice  of  the  whole 
world  before  he  marries,  and  if  he  chooses  badly,  that  is  his  fault.  A 
woman  can  only  have  the  husbands  that  offer  to  her,  and  when  she  has 
got  one,  it  would  be  too  bad  to  take  him  away.16 " 

1  This  mixture  of  pathos  with  defiance  has  j  ust — and  only  j  ust — saved  your  letter 
from  the  basket  that  was  yawning  for  it, 

2  We  do  not  grumble,  wo  reprove.     And  you  use  vile  English — comply  with 
grumbling,  indeed. 

3  "Polities"  means  that  part  of  Ethics  which  consists  in  the  government  or 
regulation  of  a  nation,  for  the  preservation  of  its  safety,  peace,  and  prosperity. 
"  Ethics"  means— but  look  it  out  for  yourself,  and  answer  your  own  question. 

•>  SIR  RICHARD  BKTHHLL,  HF.B  MAJBSTT'S  Attorney-General,  has  promised 
legislation  upon  the  question,  Miss.  Watch  the  debates. 

>  It  is  nothing  of  the  sort.  But  it  always  makes  us  think  of  MB.  JOHN  COOPER, 
of  the  Theatres,  delivering  a  pleasing  and  elevated  sentiment. 

6  You  said  that  about  the  Income-Tax. 

7  The  preceding  passages  convey  an  impression  of  discreditublc  pertuess  on  the 
part  of  the  writer. 

8  And  that  he  knows  how  to  alter  it,  eh  ? 

9  Please,  please  spare  us  your  political  economy,  second  hand  from  Papa.     That 
is  rather  too  afflicting. 

10  This  is  a  glimmering  of  sense  after  a  mass  of  feminine  wisdom. 

11  No  woman  ever  cried  all  night,  though  thousands  courageously  declare  that 
they  have  done  so.    We  class  the  assertion  with  that  other  favourite  womanly  com- 
plaint that  the  eyes  were  never  closed  once  all  night. 

13  Not  put  with  exactitude,  and  therefore  false.  The  same  insult  is  equally  felt 
by  both  women.  A  pound  ef  feathers  weighs  the  same  as  a  pound  of  lead,  and 
vicf  versd. 

13  Fair  enough. 

14  Wtiat  ugly  daughters  to  have  ! 

15  We  have  used  your  picture  as  an  initial.     Do  not  be  too  proud. 

16  We  insert  this  P.S.  because  it  evidently  occurred  to  you  that  you  had  forgotten 
that  there  were  two  sides  of  the  question.    But  we  will  never  insert  another.     This  is 
final,  so  get  your  last  words  over  before  you  sign  your  letters.     Do  you  hear,  young 
woman  t 


FEBRUARY  7,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


53 


LUNACY    IN    SHOE    LANE. 

LL  yesterday,  the  attention  of  the 
LOUD  MAYOR  was,  we  venture  to 
say,  painfully  engaged  in  a  case  of 
unquestionable  lunacy.  A  person, 
who  had  evidently  once  moved  in 
genteel  life,  was  brought  before  his 
lordship,  charged  with  disturbing 
the  neighbourhood,  and  obstructing 
the  way  of  Shoe  Lane.  The  offender 
was  very  fantastically  drest,  com- 
bining in  his  wardrobe  the  charac- 
ter of  the  Asiatic  and  the  Russian. 
He  said  he  had  good  reason  for 
his  outward  appearance.  He  had 
laboured  at  the  Turkish  and  Russian 
questions  all  his  life ;  long  before 
LORD  PALHERSTON  had  sold  Eng- 
land to  the  CZAR  ;  a  fact  which  lie 
intended  to  prove  by  producing  the 
conveyancer  (a  gentleman  of  other- 
vise  unquestionable  probity)  who 
had  executed  the  treasonous  docu- 
ment. 

Policeman  X  stated  that  he  ap- 
prehended the  defendant  in  Shoe- 
Lane.  He  was  seated  cross4eaped 
before  the  office  of  the  Maundering 
Herald,  having  covered  a  large 
square  of  the  pavement  with  writing,  and  with  rude  designs  in  coloured 
chalk.  The  writing  he  continually  rubbed  out,  and  as  continually  re- 
newed. A  great  crowd  was  gathered  about  him,  to  the  annoyance 
of  passengers,  and  to  the  general  obstruction  of  the  thoroughfare. 

The  defendant,  when  called  upon  for  his  defence,  said  he  was  content 
to  add  another  name  to  the  list  of  martyrs.  He  had  for  some  time 
past  written  leaders  for  the  Maundering  Herald ;  but  he  thought  he 
should  better  serve  the  cause  of  truth  by  appealing  to  a  larger  body  of 
readers.  He,  therefore,  had  taken  his  place  upon  the  pavement,  and 
had  chalked  put  the  perils  of  his  country  in  chalk  of  many  colours. 
He  had  also  illustrated  them  with  a  variety  of  designs.  He  defied  any 
of  the  men  of  the  Academy  to  beat  his  design  of  LOUD  PAIMEHSTON, 
hanging  by  the  neck,  with  the  Russian  treaty  peeping  out  of  his 
pocket.  Besides,  it  was  well  known  to  him  that  there  was  a  hitch. 
His  lordship  asked  what  he  meant  by  a^hitch  ? 
The  defendant  replied — He  meant  a  hitch  in  the  Cabinet.  It  was  at 
first  a  simple  hitch ;  and  then  there  was  a  hinge  in  the  hitch ;  and  then 
the  hinge  was  got  over ;  or  rather  it  was  cut  by  the  Sword  of  the  LORD 
and  of  GIDEON— SIB  ROBERT  PEEL  and  the  Bricks  of  Babylon— The 
EMPRESS  OP  CHINA  and  a  Bed  of  Roses.  Ought  not  Broadlands  to 
be  sown  with  salt — and  the  Headsman  be  forthwith  sent  to  take 
measure  of  the  PREMIER'S  neck? — Three  cheers  for  HAMPDEN  and 
SIDNEY,  and  down  with  Cupid! 

His  lordship,  evidently  moved  by  the  poor  man's  condition,  asked  if 
he  had  no  friends  ? 

The  policeman  replied  that  he  had  made  all  inquiries,  but  without 
success.  He  had  heard  that  the  gentleman  was  onee  very  well-con- 
nected, but  was  given  up  as  hopeless  when  he  became  addicted  to  the 
Maundering  Herald.  The  stuff  his  lordship  had  heard  was  of  the  like 
sort  with  what  was  written  by  the  defendant  on  the  pavement  in  Shoe 
Lane. 

The  defendant,  apparently  unconscious  of  the  statement  of  tke 
policeman,  made  a  gesture  as  though  desirous  of  silence.  He  then 
said,  ^ There's  a  spht-asplit  with  a  handle ;  a  split  with  a  running 
knot."  The  unfortunate  man  then  sat  down  on  the  floor,  took  from 
his  pocket  a  piece  of  chalk,  and  with  amazing  rapidity  wrote  as  follows : 
Pillicock  sat  upon  Pillicoek  HiB,  which  incontestibly  accounts  for 
LORD  1  ALHERSTON'S  bad  eminence. 

Hopdance  cries  in  poor  TOM'S  belly  for  tliree  red  herrings,— which 
to  any  sane  mind  sufficiently  substantiates  the  treason  of  the  ignoble 
PREMIER. 

"The  Cabinet-door  is  not  to  be  bolted  with  a  boiled  parsnip ;  no. 
my  LORD  PALMERSTON,  nor  are'.thc  hinges  of  the  Cabinet  to  be  oiled 
with  melted  butter. 

"Is  England  to  be  cast  into  a  china  teapot,  and  the  very  depths'of 
the  nation  to  be  stirred  by  the  spoons  of  place? 

-but  the  thunders  of  vengeance  are  beginning  to  nib  their  eyes  and 
look  about  them,  and  the  avenging  lightning  has  already  taken  off  its 
mp-hicap. 

"The  showman  puts  his  head  into  the  lion's  mouth  once  too  often  • 

J  lion  wagged  his  tail ;  and  the  head  dropt  into  the  stomach.    At 
us  minute,  LOKD  PALMERSTON  has  his  head  in  the  mouth  of  the 
ritisli  lion  :  the  tail  begins  to  oscillate  and— but  to  the  sagacity  of 
the  reader  we  leave  the  just,  though  horrible  conclusion." 


that 
get  on 


"  That 's  the  very  same  stuff,  my  lord."  said  the  policeman,  " 
the  prisoner  has  filled  all  Shoe  Lane  with.  The  waggons  can't  gr 
for  it." 

The  defendant  slowly  rose,  and  with  an  air  of  authority  addressed 
one  of  the  officers.— "  You  will  immediately  take  that  leader  to  the 
Maundering  Herald.  And  mind:  large  type,  with  double  leads. 
Understand  me,  double  leads." 

The  LORD  MAYOR  compassionately  shook  his  head,  and  remarked 
that  it  seemed  a  very  hopeless  case. 

"  He  shall  be  hung  in  his  Garter,  my  lord,"  said  the  defendant ;  and 
he  immediately  caught  up  a  policeman's  hat,  and  on  the  glazed  crown, 
rapidly  sketched  a  figure,  depending  from  a  gibbet.  Underneath,  the 
artist  wrote,  "A  trifle  for  PAM  !  "  Then,  offering  the  hat  to  the  LOBD 
MAYOR,  the  defendant  smilingly  observed,  "From  the  life,  my  lord, 
and  at  your  service." 

His  lordship  said  he  really  could  not,  in  mercy  to  the  poor  man 
himself,  sutler  him  to  go  at  large.  He  must  have  some  security  for  his 
future  good  conduct.  No  bail  .was  forthcoming,  and  the  defendant 
was  1  hcrefore  locked  up. 

Late  in  the  day,  however,  two  persons— we  considerately  suppress 
their  names— appeared,  and  entered  into  the  required  bond.  They 
were  very  strange-looking  individuals  ;  wearing  their  beards  almost  to 
the  waist.  Indeed,  altogether  thev  had  a  most  weird,  and  old-world 
aspect.  They  were  understood  to  be  distinguished  Southcotians,  and 
constant  readers  of  The  Maundering  Herald.  The  cab,  containing  the 
defendant  and  his  bail,  on  leaving  the  office,  took  the  direction  of  St. 
George's  Fields. 

MORE  ART-TREASURES. 

THE  Directors  of  the  Art-Treasury  at  Manchester  ere  overwhelmed 
wit.h  offers,  on  the  part  of  all  classes,  to  contribute  to  that  exhibition. 
Thcj  are  daily  compelled  to  decline  propositions  from  parties  whose 
(•si  Mute  of  their  own  treasures  is  based  upon  private  admiration  rather 
than  upon  public  Recognition  of  their  merits. 

MR.  STUBBS,  of  Aldgate,  |hus  proffered  the  loan  of  Othe  following 
works  of  art : — 

His  Grandfather,  (twice  Churchwarden)  by  AMOS  SMITH,  artist  to  the  Portrait 
Clwb  that  used  to  meet  at  the  Toadstool  Tavern,  Houndsditch,  in  1785-6. 

An  Anonymous  Female,  artist  unknown,  but  from  the  circumstance  of  her  haying 
a  cat  and  kittens  on  her  lap,  supposed  to  ba  by  Sm  GODFREY  KNELLER.  who  painted 
the  Kit-Cats. 

Engraved  view  of  Hyde  Park,  George  the  Third  reviewing  tlit  Volunteers. 

Moonlight  Scene,  by  Miss  STCBBS.  when  she  had  had  two  quarters'  drawing. 
Remarkable  for  the  artist's  bold  contrivance  for  introducing  light,  by  cutting  out 
the  moon,  that  a  candle  may  stand  behind. 

Front  of  Newgate  in  1788.  The  agria!  perspective  a  little  injured  by  injudicious 
cleaning  by  MASTER  STUBBS  in  a  washhand  basin,  but  archieologically  interesting. 
Anonymous. 

Mr.  and  Mrs  Stubbs,  in  black  silhouette.  Additionally  valuable  from  their  having  been 
executed  on  Windmill  Hill,  Qravesend,  on  the  actual  wedding-day,  the  new-married 
couple  having  previously  ordered  dinner  at  Rosherville.  Anon. 

Two  Statues  in  Plaster.    Boy,  undraped,  reading.    Boy,  umdraped,  writing. 

Statuette  Suit,  very  small.  MR.  BUCKSTONE  or  MR.  WRIGHT,  but  the  hat  and  nose 
being  gone,  identification  is  difficult. 

Spangled  and  coloured  full-length  Portrait  of  Mr.  HicTtt  at  Brdgorio,  in  the  Dnmli 
Imp  of  tke  Demon' i  Gorge.  This  noble  portrait  was  offered  to  the  Oarrick  Club  for  ten 
shillings,  but  rejected,  through  the  intrigues  of  jealous  artists. 

Inkstand,  China,  in  saucer  to  match,  with  two  dogs  fighting,  and  the  legend, 
"  Let  dogs  delight,"  &c.  Historically  interesting  as  the  inkstand  used  by  JOHN 
BUMPAS,  the  liberator  of  Aldgate,  when  he  signed,  iu  1803,  his  memorable  protest 
against  "  The  Thrupp'ny  Poor-Rate." 

A  Bone  Knife  Handle,  curiously  engraved  with  the  cipher  "B.  JI.,"  and  therefore 
supposed  to  have  been  the  property  of  Bloody  [Queen]  MARY. 

Specimen  of  Embroidery  of  the  Eighteenth  Century,  being  an  Exampler,  or 
Sampler,  worked  by  MARY  JANE  EJAX,  aged  11,  in  1799,  and  representing  a  rural 
residence,  animals,  and  trees,  with  alphabet,  and  Arabic  numerals,  and  the  distich 

"  I  can  stitch,  and  hem,  and  fell. 
And  I  can  kiss  and  never  tell." 

All  the  above  have,  upon  the  recommendation  of  MR.  PETER  CUN- 
NINGHAM, been  thankfully  declined,  but  as  it  is  not  designed  to 
discourage  offers  of  the  kind,  any  similar  works  may  be  left  at  Mr. 
Punch's  office  for  that  gentleman's  preliminary  inspection,  before 
sending  them  to  Manchester. 


An  AnticipatedSPerformance. 

(In  the  Mouse  of  Commons.) 

Sia/je  Manager  Lewis  (coming  boldly  forward).  "  Gentlemen,  will 
you  allow  me  to  announce,  in  consequence  of  its  great  success,  the 
repetition  of  the  Income-Tax  every  year  until  further  notice  ?  " 

Liberal  and  Cunservative  Members  (unanimously).  "  Off !  off ! 
off!  off!" 

A  Million  Cries  (heard  outside).  "Off!  off!!  off!!!  off!!!' 
OFF !!!!!"  [.And  Off  goes  the  Stranger  accordingly. 


LEGAL  DESTITUTION.— The  "  eye  of  the  Law  "  has  become  soVeak 
from  the  want  of  proper  practice  in  the  different  courts,  that  it  is  going 
to  advertise  for  a  pupil. 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  7,  1857. 


Disgusting  Boy.  "  I  SAT,  CLARA  ! — I  'M  so  JOLLY  GLAD,  I  AM.    Do  YOU  KNOW,  ALL 

THE  PIPES  ARE  FROZE,  AND  WE  SHAN'T  BE   ABLE    TO    HATH    ANY    OF    THAT    HORRID 

WASHING  THESE  COLD  MORNINGS  !— AIN'T  IT  PRIME  ! "  [Sentation. 


MY  INCOME-TAX. 

FAKE  you  well,  my  hard  Income-Tax, 
Fare  you  well  for  some  while. 

For  the  shop  it  is  ruined,  the  Union  is  near, 
Or  I  'm  bound  for  the  Jug,  Income-Tux, 
I  am  bound  for  the  Jug,  Income-Tax. 

Don't  you  see  that  seedy  cove, 
That  is  crouched  under  yonder  pile, 

Lamenting  his  fate,  in  want  doomed  to  rove  ? 
And  so  am  I  by  my  Income-Tax, 
And  so  am  I  by  my^come-Tax. 

A  beggar,  who  a  beggar's  pot 
At  least  can  boil  on  his  own  hook, 

May  suffer  some,  but  surely  not 
What  I  endure  through  my  Income-Tax. 
What  I  endure  through  my  Income-Tax. 

When  they  were  levied  just  and  fair, 

A  heavy  and  a  grievous  load 
Was  taxes ;  but  none  could  compare 

For  cruel  weight  to  my  Income-Tax. 

For  cruel  weight  to  my  Income-Tax. 


THE  LIMBS  OF  THE  LAW. 

EVERYBODY  is  aware  that  the  law  has  limbs,  but  not 
everybody,  perhaps,  knows  what  thev  are.  The  recent  trial 
of  REDPATH  has  disclosed  two  of  them.  On  the  question 
of  proceeding  further  against  the  other  defendant,  who 
haa  been  acquitted,  the  following  conversation  took  place 
between  the  Judge  and  one  of  the  Counsel  for  the  Prose- 
cution : — 

"  MR.  JUSTICE  WILLES.  I  think  that  yon  ought  to  have  put  your  best 
leg  forward.  I  have  read  the  whole  of  the  depositions,  and  I  must  say 
that  I  anticipated  the  result. 

"  SERJEANT  BALLANTINE.  Felony  is  considered  a  '  better  leg  '  than 
misdemeanour.  We  always  try  the  gravest  charge  first." 

Thus  it  appears  that  the  legs  of  the  law  are  felony 
and  misdemeanour.  The  observation  may,  perhaps,  be 
permitted  that  misdemeanour  and  felony  are  the  law's 
lower  limbs.  Here  the  question  arises,  if  felony  is  the 
better  leg  of  the  law,  is  it  a  right  leg  ?  By  parity  of  reason- 
ing it  may  perhaps  be  inferred  that  the  hands  of  the  law 
are  larceny  and  swindling. 


A  TEACHER'S  WORK  FOR  A  SCULLION'S  WAGES. 

WE  should  like  to  know  what  are  the  usual  wages  of  an  ordinary 
maid-of-all-work  in  Scotland  ?  They  must  be  what  good  housewives 
call  very  reasonable  indeed,  if  those  of  extraordinary  maids-of-all-\york 
are  not  generally  more  unreasonable  than  those  offered  in  the  subjoined 
advertisement  extracted  from  a  Scotch  newspaper  :— 

WANTED. 

A  TEACHER,  for  the  Ladies'  Seminary,  Portsoy,  capable  of  Teaching 
English  Reading,  Writing,   Arithmetic,    Grammar,    Geography,  History  and 
Music  as  well  as  Knitting  and  Plain  and  Ornamental  Needle-work.    The  Teacher 
must  have  a  Government  Certificate  of  Merit,  or  be  prepared  to  be  examined  by 
HlR  MAJESTY'S  Inspector  for  such  Certificate.    Salary — Eight  Guineas  per  Annum. 
Immediate  application,  inclosing  Testimonials,  to  be  made  either  to  the  REV.  P. 
MURRAY,  or  the  REV.  A.  COOPER,  Portsoy. 
December  27,  1856. 

Here  are  ten  branches  of  knowledge  to  be  taught,  and  a  proposal  to 
allow  a  remuneration  for  teaching  them,  at  the  rate  of  Ifo.  a-year  each 
to  the  educational  maid-of-all-work.  Is  "  Ladies'  Seminary  "  an  euphe- 
mism? Does  the  phrase  really  mean  ragged  school?  Or  is  the  above 
announcement  to  be  considered  as  a  piece  of  Scotch  practical  "  wut," 
put  forth  by  some  humorous  party  desirous  of  ridiculing  the  parsi- 
mony practised  towards  teachers  at  the  establishment  in  question ;  a 
parsimony  really  extreme,  but  of  which  the  terms  stated  are  a  jocose 
exaggeration  ?  If  not,  is  not  there  a  mistake  in  the  statement  that  a 
"  Government  Certificate  of  Merit "  will  be  required  of  the  teacher  ? 
Surely  the  document  intended  to  be  specified— under  the  idea  that  a 
certain  plan  has  been  pursued  by  Government  with  female  equally 
with  mate  convicts,  and  that  a  reformed  lady-thief  might  be  willing  to 
accept  any  terms  as  a  teacher— must  be  a  Ticket-of-Leave. 


A  PRIENDLY   QUESTION    TO  MR.  BUCKSTONE. 

The  Bales  in  the  Wood  may  be  all  very  well ;  but  why,  BUCKY,  why 
continue  to  give  us  The  School  for  Scandal  in  the  same  material  ? 


SPOETING    INTELLIGENCE. 

YOUNG  PAM,  alias  THE  BOTTLEHOLDER,  begs  to  announce  to  the  Nobility,  and 
Gentry  in  general,  and  his  backers  in  particular,  that  he  will  be  in  attendance  at 
his  well-known  quarters,  the  St.  Stephen's  Head,  Westminster,  any  night  between 
the  3rd  of  February  and  the  beginning  oi  August,  where  hia  money  will  be  forth- 
coming, and  he  will  be  prepared  to  make  a  match  with  any  man,  at  any  weight.  If 
YOUNG  DIZZY,  or  THE  DERBY  PET,  mean  fighting,  now  is  their  time.  The  B.-II. 
has  generally  been  considered  among  the  light  weights ;  but  he  is  anxious  his 
friends  should  know  that  he  has  picked  up  a  good  deal  of  meat  in  the  last  two  years, 
that  his  wind  was  never  better,  and  that  he  is  open  to  accommodate  any  customer  from 
ten  to  thirteen  stone.  The  B.-H.  gives  Private  and  Public  instruction  in  the  noblo 
Art  of  Self-Defeuce  at  the  St.  Stephen's  Head,  and  at  his  Crib  in  Downing  Street. 

A  Harmonic  Ordinary  at  the  St.  Stephen's  Head  every  night,  except  Wednesday 
and  Saturday.  CHARLEY  LE-FEVRE  takes  the  Chair  nightly.  Comic  songs  and 
recitations  by  the  unrivalled  BOB  PEELE,  the  whistling  traveller,  including  the 
favourite  entertainment  of  "The  Rooshian  Coronation,"  as  recently  given  by 
him  with  so  much  success  at  Birmingham. 


RATTING  SPORTS.— DICK  COBDEN  aud  JOHNNY  PAKINGTON,  alias  THE 
QUARTER-SESSIONS  PET,  having  recently  entered  iuto  partnership  at  the  Manchester 
Arms,  are  open  to  make  matches  with  their  celebrated  dogs,  Voluntary  and 
Churchman. 

GEORGEY  BOWYER  and  NEDDY  MIALL  have  several  customers  ready  to  make 
engagements  with  BLASDFORD'S  well-known  old  dog,  Establishment. 


BELL-RINGING.— BIG  BEN,  the  Llanoror  youth,  will  attend  at  his  House  of 
Call,  Whitehall  Place,  and  back  himself  against  all  England  to  ring  changes,  on  the 
Marylebone  bells,  any  day  between  thia  and  the  next  General  Election.— 
N.B.  Change-ringing  taught,  and  the  Nobility  attended  at  their  own  houses. 

BEN  DIZZY  wishes  us  to  state  he  is  tired  of  doing  nothing,  and  would  be  glad  to 
make  a  match  with  anybody  on  any  terms. 

ON  DITS. — We  understand  that  a  mill  may  shortly  be  expected  between  DE  LIGNE, 
of  the  Belgian  fancy,  and  BOBBY  PEEL,  in  consequence  of  the  latter's  chaffing  at 
the  Adderley  Park  Harmonic  meeting  a  few  weeks  since.  BOBBY  ought  to  be  careful 
of  his  bounce.  If  his  friends  will  give  him  the  office,  they  ought  really  to  lock  hia 
jaw-box,  for  as  it  is,  he  is  positively  too  aggravating  for  anything. 

There  is  no  truth  in  the  report  lately  spread  by  "MRS.  HARRIS,"  alias  "The  Shoe 
Lane  Oracle,"  of  engagements  having  been  entered  into  between  the  BOTTLEHOLDER 
and  BILL  GLADSTONE.  BILL  is  open  to  a  match,  but  the  BOTTLEHOLDER  is  not  at  all 
likely  to  come  to  BILL'S  terms,  so  far  as  we  can  understand  them.  But  BILL  ought 
to  learn  to  express  himself  more  distinctly. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— FEHHUARY  7,  1857. 


SWELL  MOB  AT  THE  OPENING  OF  PARLIAMENT. 

PUNCH  (A  1).  "  NOW  THEN !    WHAT  'S  YOUR  LITTLE  GAME  ?  " 

D— z— Y.   "  OUR  LITTLE  GAME !    NOTHIN'— WE  'RE  ONLY   '  WAITING  FOR  A  PARTY.'  " 


1 


FEBRUARY  7,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


57 


MRS.  BURDEN'S   APPEAL  TO   PARLIAMENT. 

So  Parliament  'a  about  to  lay  their  heads  together  for  improTcments. 
(All,  if  I  was  about  their  House  I'd  quicken  their  slow  dawdling 

movements,) 

They  're,  fonder  far  of  talk  than  work,  just  like  a  pack  9f  idle  hussies, 
What  I  wish  is  that  they  'd  refonn  them  good-for-nothing  omnibuses. 

They've  room  in  Parliament  to  sit  with  comfort  to  themselves  and 

others ; 

I  wish  they  'd  think  about  our  seats,  considering  their  poor  old  mothers. 
Get  out  with  all  your  education;  don't  tell  me  about  your  learuin', 
Unless  you  give  me  what  I  want,  and  find  a  body  space  to  turn  in. 

First  as  concrrnin'  of  the  doors,  they  're  all  of  them  a  deal  too  narrow, 
To  shoot  one's  self  through  holes  like  them,  a  person  ought  to  be  an 

arrow, 

One's  figure  should  be  like  a  hoop  between  the  sides  of  'em  to  trundle ; 
And  there 's  an  umbcreller  too,  besides  a  band-box  and  a  .bundle. 

You  bump  on  this  and  'tother  side ;  against  the  passengers  you  blunder, 
Which  causes  Ym  to  grunt  and  growl,  and  makes  'emlook  as  black  as 

thunder : 
And  then  you  sits  down  where  you  can  by  means  of  pushin'  and  of 

sqneczin', 
With  some  one's  elbow  in  your  ribs  which  keeps  a  worritin'  and  teazin'. 

With  knees  to  knees  and  feet  to  feet  of  people  facin'  opposite  you, 
You  sits  in  misery  and  pain,  the  whilst  they  looks  as  if  they  'd  bite  you ; 
There 's  always  somebody  inside  that  pisous  you  with  gin  and  onions, 
And  sure  as  any  one  comes  in,  he  tramples  on  your  corns  and  bunions. 

Their  boots,  too  hitches  'in  your  gownd,  and  what 's  the  use  of  axin' 

pardon, 
When,  for  the  mischief  they  have  done,  there 's  none  of  them  as  cares 

a  fardcn  ? 
They  breaks  your  band-boxes  all  in,  your  bonnet  that 's  inside  they 

batters, 
And  'tis  destruction  for  your  clothes,  reduced  to  rags  and  dirt  and 

tatters. 

Then,  when  you  've  reached  your  journey's  end,  and  squeezed  as  flat  as 

a  baked  apple, 
'Stead  of  St.  Paul's  Churchyard  you  find  they  've  took  you  on  unto 

Whitechapel. 
They  tells  you  you  should  look  alive,  whereas'you  look  half  dead  more 

often, 
And  what  can  you  expect,  confined,  as  I  may  say,  within  a  coffin? 

I  've  got  no  patience  with  the  way  in  which  them  there  conductors 

serve  us, 
And  all  that  scramblin'  on  the  roof  must  make  a  timid  creature 

nervous ; 

I  often  wish  I  was  a  man  for  to  give  vent  in  paths  and  cusses, 
Which  is  the  sentiments  1  feels  when  travellin'  in  omnibuses. 

I  do  hope  Parliament  ;will  take  the  case  into  consideration, 
And  put  the  omnibuses  right— at  least  do  something  for  the  nation. 
But  I  'm  afeard  they  '11  waste  their  time  on  foreign  fiddlestick  discus- 
sions, 
Which  never  comes  to  any  good ;  and  what  I  say  is,  Drat  they  Russians. 


A  SEALED  BOOK  FOll  SLAVES. 

GENT  measures  are  in  contemplation  for  the  purpose  of 
keeping  the  black  portion  of  the  public  in  Tennessee  in  subjection  to 
the  white.  Among  others  it  is  proposed  that  the  negroes  shall  no 
longer  be  permitted  to  attend  their  own  meeting-houses,  but  if  they 
go  to  any  places  of  worship  at  all,  shall  be  limited  to  the  ordinary 
churches.  One  additional  precaution  should  be  taken  in  order  to 
obviate  any  undesirable  influence  which  may  be  exerted  upon  the 
slaves  by  religious  services.  Lithe  various  churches  and  chapels  of 
lennessee,  the.  ministers  should  bo  strictly  prohibited  from  reading  a 
certain  portion  of  the  book  of  Exodus.  The  slaves  of  Tennessee  will 
not  be  edified,  to  the  satisfaction  of  their  masters,  by  hearing  the 
account,  narrated  m  that  history,  of  the  deliverance  of  other  slaves 
Irom  Egjptian  bondage. 

Keys  for  Queer  Characters. 

MANY  simple-minded  persons  may  wonder  why  the  officers  of  the 
I  Life  Guards  should  think  it  necessary  to  be  provided  with  golden 
latch-keys.  A  golden  key  will  often  procure  the  admission  of  a  scamp 
into  a  decent  house,  but  we  do  not  imagine  that  anybody  at  present 
holding  a  commission  in  that  gallant  corps  can  want  such  a  key  for  such 
a  reason. 


A  NEW  LITERARY  FUND. 

MR.  PUNCH  was  pleased  to  read,  in  one  of  last  week's  papers,  that 
a  Scottish  Literary  Fund,  for  the  relief  of  distressed  authors,  is  in 
course  of  formation.  All  honour  to  the  promoters,  and  all  success  to 
the  undertaking. 

As  it  is  in  its  infancy,  and  V9uth  is  liable  to  err,  Mr.  Punch  can 
conceive  the  possibility  of  this  Literary  Fund  falling  into  a  few  errors, 
and  therefore  he  has  thrown  together  some  hints,  which,  if  considered 
before  the  rules  and  regulations  of  the  New  Fund  be  finally  settled, 
may  render  them  more  suited  to  their  purpose,  and  the  character  of 
the  proposed  charity,  than  they  might  be  if  modelled  upon  other 
principles. 

When  a  gentleman,  who  has  pursued  the  most  honourable  of  avoca- 
tions, is  compelled  1<>  apply  for  assistance,  do  not  make  it  necessary 
for  him  to  bring  a  number  of  witnesses  to  testify  that  he  is  not  a  liar. 

Have  some  men  on  your  board  who  are  acquainted  with  the  literary 
world,  or  who,  if  unacquainted  with  the  applicant,  can  quietly  ascertain 
who  and  what  he  is.  Spare  poverty  the  additional  humiliation  of 
going  round  to  its  acquaintances  to  glean  testimonials. 

You  will,  of  course,  feel  it  your  duty  to  inquire  minutely  into  the 
antecedents  of  every  applicant,  but  if  you  should  discover  that  twenty 
years  earlier  somebody  gave  him  twenty  pounds,  let  your  official  be 
authorised  to  relieve  his  immediate  wants,  while  he  is  endeavouring 
to  satisfy  your  natural  desire  to  know  what  became  of  all  that  money. 

As  a  rule,  if  he  alleges  that  he  is  starving,  assist  him  within  a  month 
or  so  from  his  application. 

Of  course,  if  you  have  any  idea  that  anybody  else  has  an  intention  of 
assisting  him,  save  your  own  money.  But  be  tolerably  sure  that  such 
a  thing  Aim  been  at  least  talked  about. 

If  he  be  recommended  to  you  by  other  gentlemen  of  character, 
you  may  as  well  accept  their  testimony,  and  not  insult  them  by  prose- 
cuting inquiries  to  ascertain  whether  they  have  told  the  truth. 

Do  not  impose  upon  the  poor  man  the  expensive  task  of  sending 
you  copies  of  all  the  works  he  has  ever  published,  but  let  his  applica- 
tion be  referred  to  somebody  who  .is  acquainted  with  literature,  or  can 
find  out  a  book  by  the  aid  of  the  catalogue  in  your  University  library. 

If  these,  and  some  other  suggestions  which  occur  to  Mr.  Punch,  and 
which  he  will  take  another  opportunity  of  offering,  be  regarded  in  the 
spirit  in  which  they  are  made,  SCOTLAND  will  have  reason  to  be  satisfied 
with  her  Literary  Fund. 


EFFECT  OF  CRINOLINE  ON  PARTIES. 

CRINOLINE  is  beginning  to  tell  in  an  unexpected  manner  on  Evening 
Parties.  Ladies  in  the  present  season  complain  that  they  do  not 
receive  so  many  invitations  as  heretofore.  The  reason  is  this.  Rooms 
that  would  comfortably  accommodate  fifty  matrons  and  spinsters,  will 
not  now,  without  a  heavy  crush,  contain  above  fifteen.  Hence,  doubt- 
less with  a  view  to  a  renewal  of  the  old  hospitalities,  we  have  seen  the 
subjoined  Card : — 


3Coit.  iM/ta.  1Platu(>oc)u 


Jit  3Coinc. 


Without  Crinoline. 


TRANQUILLITY  ON  WASHING  DAY. 

AN  American  invention  for  washing  linen  and  other  clothes  has  been 
for  some  time  in  highly  successful  operation.  The  American  Patent 
Washing  Machine  has  certain  peculiar  advantages  which  ladies  who 
wash  at  home  will  not  fail  to  appreciate.  One  of  the  principal  of  these 
is  that  it  consumes  no  gin,  beer,  and  tea ;  requires  no  meals,  and  does 
not  walk  off  with  any  broken  victuals.  Moreoyer.it  neither  gossips 
nor  scolds,  and  it  contrives  to  wash  without  involving  itself  in  hot 
water  with  (lie  servants  ;  in  all  which  respects  it  has  immense  advan- 
tages over  the  ordinary  laundress. 


Showing  the  Income-Tax  the  Door. 

WE  should  not  at  all  wonder  if  the  Income-Tax,  like  a  well-bred 
dog,  seeing  the  impending  certainty  of  being  kicked  out,  saves  the  House 
the  trouble  by  quietly  taking  itself  off. 


How  TO  CUT  OUT  A  MUSLIN  DRESS  (SOMETIMES). - 
one. 


-Wear  a  Velvet 


58 


PUNCH,    OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBUUAUY  7,  1857. 


INNATE   POLITENESS. 
" Take  my  Humbretta,  Missus/ — That  'ere  little  thing  o'  yourn  ain't  no  use  wotiumdeverf  " 


HIEEOGLYPHICS  FOR  THE  HEAD. 

THE  Lady's  Newspaper  contains  the  following  description 
of  a  fancy  head-dress  called  the  Coiffure  Egyptienne : — 

"  It  is  formed  of  two  bandeaux  of  groseille-colour  velvet,  embroi- 
dered with  gold,  and  on  one  side  there  is  the  lotus  flower,  and  on  the 
other  a  bow  of  groseille-colour  ribbon,  figured  with  hieroglyphics  of 
gold." 

A  lady  had  better  be  cautious  how  she  wears  this  head- 
dress. Much  progress  has  been  made  of  late  in  the  deci- 
phering of  Egyptian  symbols.  One  would  not  like  to  wear 
an  inscription  m  those  characters  in  one's  cap  without  being 
sure  about  the  translation  of  it — would  one  ?  My  beauties, 
suppose  one  of  you  to  be  at  a  party,  with  this  cap  on  her 
head,  and  there  to  meet  some  University  man,  whom 
she  nas  reason  to  suspect  of  understanding  everything. 
"  Oho !  "  says  he.  "  You  sport  hieroglyphics."  Then,  with 
a  suppressed  grin,  he  asks,  "Do  you  know  what  they 
mean  ?  "  "  Oh,  dear,  no,"  is  her  reply. — "  Do  you  ?  "  He 
answers  in  that  tone  of  voice  which  a  man  assumes  when 
he  is  telling  you  a  story  which  he  does  not  mean  you  to 
believe — "  N-n-no."  She  sees  that  he  does  know  what  her 
hieroglyphics  mean,  and  also  that  it  is  something  very 
stupid.  She  sits,  or  dances,  upon  thorns  during  the  rest 
of  the  night,  and  is  probably  .deprived  of  sleep  _all  the 
next  day.  

PUNCH'S  PREROGATIVE  OF  MERCY. 

MR.  PUNCH  was  induced,  by  misinformation,  to  believe 
that  MR.  SNOOKS  was  guilty  of  shameful  and  scandalous 
conduct.  Under  the  influence  of  this  erroneous  belief, 
Mr.  Punch  held  up  MB.  SNOOKS  to  ridicule  and  contempt 
in  a  caricature,  and  abused  and  vilified  him  in  an  article 
breathing  indignation  mingled  with  scorn,  by  which  means 
he  inflicted  severe  suffering  upon  ME.  SNOOKS,  and  in 
addition  destroyed  the  character  of  that  gentleman,  who  is 
now,  consequently,  unable  to  obtain  employment,  and  likely 
to  starve.  Under  these  circumstances,  Mr.  Punch,  having 
discovered  that  the  injury  inflicted  by  him  upon  the  sup- 
posed offender  was  inflicted  on  an  innocent  man,  has  been 
graciously  pleased  to  grant  MR.  SNOOKS  a  free  pardon. 


EPITAPH  FOR  THE  "  WAE  9rf." — Pax  Fobiscum  ! 


THE    QUEEN'S    BALL    PRACTICE. 

ON  Tuesday  last  a  very  full  meeting  of  ladies,  wives  and  connections 
of  Members  of  Parliament,  was  held  at  WILLIS'S  Rooms,  for  the  pur- 
pose of  considering  and  meeting  the  charges  made  by  MR.  NOBUCK, 
at  Liverpool,  in  the  matter  of  the  QUEEN'S  balls.  The  hon.  gentle- 
man had  roundly  accused  the  wives  of  the  Commons  with  a  desire  to 
trample  the  interests  of  the  country  under  their  feet,  by  dancing  at  HEK 
MAJESTY'S  balls.  The  press  it  was  understood,  was  to  be  inexor- 
ably excluded ;  but  thanks  to  the  facilities  offered  by  crinoline,  our 
reporter  smuggled  himself  in,  and  took  his  notes  without  the  least 
inconvenience. 

The  HON.  MRS.  DOUBLECHIN  (Member  for  Downyshire,  in  right  of 
her  husband)  was,  after  some  contention,  called  to  the  chair.  She 
said,  she  would  use  the  fewest  possible  words — she  always  did. 
MR.  NOBUCK,  who  was  certainly  no  gentleman  (cheers),  had  accused 
the  wives  of  M.P's  with  nagging  their  husbands — if  he  didn't  use  the 
word,  he  meant  nagging;  for  she  knew  what  nagging  was — with 
nagging  their  husbands  to  sell  themselves  that  their  wives  might  dance 
at  the  QUEEN'S  balls.  For  her  part,  she  had  no  need  to  nag  her 
husband  on  that  head.  Her  birth  and  station  secured  her  tickets. 
But  as  everybody  wasn't  on  the  visiting-list  of  HER  GRACIOUS 
MAJESTY,  she  couldn't  refuse  her  assistance  to  her  less  fortunate 
sisters  (faint  applause). 

MRS.  MINCEM,  M.P.  for  Marabout,  moved  the  first  resolution. 
MB,.  NOBUCK — she  believed  that  was  the  creature's  name  —  had 
grossly  insulted  all  the  lady-members  of  the  House  of  Commons.  He 
had  accused  them  of  a  desire  to  turn  their  husbands  round  when  and 
how  they  pleased.  That  person — she  would  not  call  him  a  gentleman 
— altogether  wanted  the  milk  of  human  kindness.  Milk !  his  wet- 
nurse  must  have  been  a  tame  porcupine.  He  must  have  cut  his  teeth 
upon  a  stick  of  horse-radish,  and  been  weaned  upon  a  nutmeg-grater. 
(Loud  cheers.)  That  was  her  opinion.  And  more  than  that,  she  had 
made  it  the  opinion  of  her  husband. 

MRS.  SUNNYMOUTH,  M.P.  for  Pearlpowder,  seconded  the  resolution, 
and  observed  that  MR.  NOBUCK,  in  his  gross  and  ungallant  charge, 
had  said  "  MR.  A.  is  affected  through  MRS.  A."  She  hoped  so ;  for 
where  there  was  no  such  affection,  there  was  an  end  of  the 


beauty  and  utility  of  the  marriage-tie.  (Loud  cheers.)  She  wouldn't 
give  a  pin  for  a  woman  as  a  wife,  who  couldn't  affect  her  husband. 
What  were  husbands  for,  if  not  to  be  affected  ?  (Cheers.)  English- 
women were  not  household  slaves.  An  English  wife  was  the  better 
half,  if  not  the  better  three-fourths  of  her  husband.  Well,  what  said 
this  MK.  NOBUCK?  "MRS.  A.  wants  to  go  to  the  QUEEN'S  ball?" 
And  why  not  ?  What  more  natural  ?  (Loud  cries  of  Hear.)  Why 
shouldn't  she  go  to  the  QUEEN'S  ball?  But  there  were  some  men 
who  would  make  their  wives  prisoners,  and  their  houses  gaols.  Very 
well.  "  MRS.  A.  wants  to  go  to  the  QUEEN'S  ball.  The  way  to  get 
there  is  to  make  MR.  A.  vote  with  the  Minister,  and  when  he  votes  with 
the  Minister,  she  receives  the  invitation ! "  Aid  why  not  ?  (Cries  of 
"Why  not,  indeed?")  For  her  part  she  never  troubled  herself — so 
that  her  husband  did  his  duty — which  side  he  was  of.  Still,  if  for 
instance,  she  had  a  longing  for  such  a  thing  as  the  QUEEN'S  ball, 
she  did  think  it  a  little  hard  that  any  MR.  NOBUCK  should  come 
between  her  and  her  proper  influence  with,  her  own  lawful,  wedded 
husband.  If  a  woman  hadn't  a  right  to  her  own  husband's  vote,  there 
was  an  end  to  the  holy  state  of  marriage.  If  such  horrid  principles  as- 
MR.  NOBUCK'S  were  to  find  their  way  to  families,  people  would  soon 
go  back  to  the  state  of  savages.  She  would  sit  down  by  seconding  the 
resolution. 

MRS.  WEATHERPROOF,  M.P.  for  Adamant  (the  lady  was  slightly 
lame)  said,  that  for  her  part,  she  thought  MR.  NOBUCK  a  very  sensible 
and  very  independent  gentleman.  She  thought  dancing  a  vain  accom- 
plishment, and  had  never  danced  in  her  life.  (Hisses  )  She  was  not 
easily  to  be  put  down.  She  would  speak  her  mind,  if  she  stayed  there 
all  night.  (Cries  of  "  Well  I'm  sure  !  "  and  "  Did  you  ever  ?  ")  If  the 
wives  of  M.P.'s  wqidd  look  back  upon  historical  examples— (me*  of 
"  Fiddlestick  !  ") — if  they  would  only  remember  how  Portia  stabbed 
herself  as  an  experiment — ("More  silly  she!") — how  the  Amazonians 
maimed  themselves  that  they  might  shoot  the  better — how  CHARLOTTE 
CORDAY  sacrificed  herself  to  rid  her  country  of  a  monster  and  a  tyrant 
— here  the  interruption  became  so  vehement,  and  so  sustained,  that 
MRS.  WEATHERPROOF,  with  a  grim  smile  of  defiance,  sat  down ;  not, 
however,  until  the  Hon.  Chairwoman  had  promised  to  put  MRS.  W's. 
resolution.  It  was  to  the  following  effect : — "  Resolved,  that,  with  a 
view  to  meet  and  defeat  the  charge  of  MR.  NOBUCK,  the  meeting 


FEBRUARY  7,  1857.] 


PUNCH,    OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


59 


pledge  themselves  to  bring  uf>  all  their  future  daughters  ou  the  Chinese 
principle  of  dwarfing  the  left  foot."  The  resolution,  not  seconded, 
was  met  with  the  loudest  expressions  of  contempt  and  scorn. 

Finally,  the  meeting  broke  up,  having  come  to  the  unanimous  reso- 
lution never  on  any  occasion  or  any  pretence  to  attend  HER  MAJESTY'S 
State  Balls,  uidess — formally  invited. 

Some  amendment  was  talked  of  with  respect  to  husbands ;  but  after 
consideration,  given  up  as  hopeless. 


METROPOLITAN   FANCY   BLACK-BEETLE    CLUB. 


chair, 


HE  third  "  Session"  of  this  Club  was 
celebrated  on  Wednesday  last  by  a 
dinner  at  Crickett's  Hotel,  Grass- 
hopper Lane,  City,  when  a  numerous 
attendance  of  members  took  place. 
MR.  PAUL  DE  COCKROCHE,  the  Presi- 
faced  by  MR.  BUGSBY,  the  Honorary 


dent,  occupied  the 
Secitary. 

After  dinner  and  the  usual  loyal  healths, 

The  President  proposed  the  toast  of  the  evening,  "  Success  'to  the 
Metropolitan  Fancy  Black-Beetle  Club."  He  met  the  Society,  he 
said,  with  the  greatest  pleasure,  as  it  was  to  announce  that  they  grew 
stronger  and  stronger  year  by  year.  The  club  had  been  called  into 
existence  by  the  demand  for  some  association,  which  should  combine 
the  harmlessness  and  innocence  of  the  Fancy  Babbit  Club,  Fancy 
Pigeon  Club,  Fancy  Cat  Club,  and  Fancy  Guinea-Pig  Club,  with  an 
economy  that  should  place  the  object  within  the  reach  of  all.  Those 
clubs  had  their  organization,  their  reports  were  regularly  published  in 
the  sporting  papers,  and  the  speeches  of  their  members,  and  the  prizes 
they  obtained,  were  duly  recorded.  Why  should  not  the  Black-Beetle 
Club  aspire  to  similar  distinction?  The  Beetle  was  a  beautiful  object 
(cheers),  and  capable  of  cultivation  to  any  extent.  If  it  had  not 
lopping  ears  like  the  Rabbit,  it  had  a  great  many  more  legs  to 
make  up.  The  glossy  hue  of  its  back  was  as  lustrous  as  the  breast 
of  the  vaunted  Pigeon,  and  as  for  the  Cat,  it  excelled  her  in  noble 
and  amiable  qualities,  for  while  that  ferocious  beast  and  her  cruel 
offspring  would  devour  black-beetles,  their  only  revenge  was  to  dis- 
agree with  their  murderers  and  make  them  thin,  while  he  had  seldom 
or  never  heard  of  a  beetle  eating  a  cat.  As  for  the  Guinea-Pig,  he 
should  blush  to  compare  their  little  favourite  with  that  tawdry  and 
Iv'ii  S  raMuat  "  w°PPy  docky/'  if  he  might  borrow  a  rural  term. 
(Cheers)  A  nlack-bcetle  was  within  everyone's  reach;  it  was  a  silent  and 
domestic  animal ;  its  keep  was  inexpensive,  and  it  supplied  the  means 
of  inoffensive  recreation  to  its  rearer,  just  as  was  done  by  the  rabbit, 
the  pigeon,  the  kitten,  and  the  guinea-pig.  He  was  proud  to  say,  for 
himself,  that  he  had  introduced  the  beetle  into  every  house  he  had 
occupied  (and  circumstances  had  compelled  his  frequent  change  of 
residence)  for  twenty  years.  (Cheers.) 

The  beetles  were  then  produced,  and  the  prizes  awarded.  A  silver 
ScarabSBUS,  modelled  from  that  found  in  the  great  Pyramid,  was 
awarded  to  MR.  TRAPPER,  of  Kensington,  for  the  biggest  and  finest 
beetle. 

MR.  TRAPPER  returned  thanks,  and  observed  that  fif  they  could 
only  get  the  ladies  of  their  families  to  co-operate  with  them  in  rearing 
black-beetles,  much  might  be  done.  But  he  regretted  to  say  that 
women  had  an  antipathy  to  the  little  creature ;  and  his  own  wife  had 
manifested  much  hostility  to  his  nursing  his  beetles  in  their  bed-room, 
and  had  surreptitiously  scrunched  several  very  promising  ones. 


(Shame!)  It  was  not,  however,  by  violence  that  they  could  conquer. 
He  suggested  that  the  prize  Scarabseus  should  in  future  be  a  brooch, 
to  be  presented  to  the  wife  of  the  successful  trainer. 

The  SECRETARY  said  that  all  his  children  were  confirmed  beetle- 
trainers  (applause),  and  even  the  baby,  though  rather  addicted  to 
dismembering  the  animals,  took  an  eager  interest  in  them.  (Renewed 
cheers.) 

A  MEMBER  said  Hml  it  was  a  cheering  fact  that  no  more  oppro- 
brious epithet  could  be  lies]  owed  upon  a  lady's  feet  than  to  call  them 
beetle-crushers.  (Laughter  and  cheert.) 

Another  MEMBER  said  that  there  were  some  persons  called  "  beetle- 
browed."  Now  the  Club  was  not  beetle-browed,  but  beetle  proud. 
(Cheering for  several  minutes.) 

A  discussion  took  place  upon  the  probable  character  of  the 
"three-man  beetle"  of  which  Falstaff  speaks,  and  the  SECRETARY  was 
directed  to  write  to  MR.  CHARLES  KNIGHT,  and  ask  whether  he  had 
procured  a  specimen  of  the  creature  for  illustration  to  his  Pictorial 
tihakspeare. 

The  evening  was  somewhat  abruptly 'closed  by  the  hysterical 
screams  of  a  chambermaid,  to  whom  one  of  the  Members,  a  little 
excited  by  wine,  had,  on  leaving,  insisted  on  presenting  his  favourite 
black-beetle  as  a  testimony  of  admiration.  It  had  got  down  her  back 
when  our. reporter  came  away. 


THE  HUSBAND'S  OWN  FAULT. 

"MR.  PUNCH, 

"  As  a  young  man,  and  an  enthusiastic  admirer  of  those  lovely 
beings  who  constitute  (lie  fairer  portion  of  humanity,  and  afford  models 
to  artists  for  the  delineation  of  celestial  spirits,  permit  me — I  will  not 
say  to  deny — to  (juestion  the  accuracy  of  a  supposition  occasionally 
either  made  or  implied  in  your  otherwise  infallible  columns,  with 
respect  to  those  charming  creatures.  I  allude  to  the  surely  erroneous 
idea  that  ladies  can  ever,  possibly,  except  in  the  very  rare  case  of  un- 
happy marriages,  in  which  the  parties  hare  no  regard  for  each  other, 
put  their  husbands  to  any  inconvenient  expense  for  millinery,  and  other 
dress.  Beyond  decent  and  comfortable  clothing,  a  married  lady  cannot 
possibly  want  any  more  dresses,  or  ornaments,  than  her  husband  is 
inclined  to  give  her.  If  she  wants  a  new  bonnet  or  shawl,  it  must  be 
for  the  sake  of  pleasing  him,  and  not  somebody  else,  or  other  people 
than  him.  What  can  any  lady,  happily  married,  care  about  attracting 
admiration  at  balls  and  evening  parties  ?  Her  husband  is  the  only 
man  by  whom  she  can  like  to  be  looked  at.  If  ever  she  expresses  a 
desire  for  this  "or  that  article  of  wear  or  ornament,  without  waiting  for 
him  to  suggest  the  purchase  thereof,  that  desire  is  expressed  on  her 
part  by  reason  of  an  impulse  derived  sympathetically  from  his  own 
mind,  through  the  mysterious  union  of  their  two  souls.  He  thinks 
how  beautiful  she  would  look  in  it,  pictures  her  in  it  mentally,  and 
admires  her  in  imagination.  She  instantly  becomes  cognisant  of  his 
idea  and  emotion ;  and  hence  her  wishful  exclamation  in  reference  to 
the  article.  "  How  remarkably  well  that  bonnet  would  become  my 
little  wife,"  is  the  thought  of  the  masculine  mind.  Transmitted  into 
the  feminine,  it  finds  utterance  in  the  rapturous  observation,  "  What  'a 
duck  of  a  bonnet !  "  When  a  man  finds  his  wife's  dressmaker's  bill 
too  heavy  for  his  circumstances,  he  himself  is,  in  the  great  majority  of 
cases,  the  only  person  to  blame.  As  he  walks  down  the  street,  he 
should  keep  his  eyes  on  the  middle  of  it,  and  concentrate  his  attention 
on  the  horses;-  and  carriages.  It  is  by  looking  into  the  drapers'  and 
jewellers'  and  bonnet-makers'  shops,'  and  allowing  the  objects  in  their 
windows  to  inflame  his  imagination,  that  he  puts  the  passion  for  them 
into  his  wife's  head.  Otherwise,  she  would  not  care  a  button  for  such 
frivolities — indeed  would  much  less  regard  them  than  a  button  which 
she  might  enjoy  the  pleasure  of  sewing  on  her  husband's  wristband. 
I  dare  say  young  unmarried  ladies  may,  rather  generally,  trouble  their 
papas  by  excess  in  finery.  They  hsrve  an  object  to  attain  by  display : 
a  wife  can  have  none — beyond  that  of  rendering  herself  still  more 
beautiful,  still  more  captivating,  still  more  attractive,  still  more 
precious,  to  the  husband  whom  she  is  not  content  with  having  secured, 
but  whose  affection  for  her  she  strives  to  increase  continually.  Oh ! 
Mr.  Punch,  I  hope  I  do  not  utter,  under  the  influence  of  too  fervid 
sentiment,  a  belief  which  I  shall  one  day  find  erroneous — when  I 
declare  my  conviction  that,  were  I  a  married  man,  I  shmdd  regard  the 
amount  of  my  wife's  dress  bills,  as  the  measure,  in  direct  ratio,  of  her 
love  and  affection  for  your  humble  servant,  "SIREPHON." 

*»*  At  least,  (STREPHON  will  find  that,  the  more  money  his  wife 
spends  in  dress,  the  dearer  she  will  be  to  him. 


AN  ANSWER  WON'T  OBLIGE. 


A  CORRESPONDENT,  who,  if  he  had  any  regard  for  the  fitness  of 
tilings,  would  have  signed  himself  a  Bedlamite,  or  dated  from  Han- 
well,  writes  to  know  if  he  be  justified  in  saying  that  the  inhabitants  of 
Sheerness  live  there  only  out  of  Shcerness-essity. 


60 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  7,  1857. 


SCENE   FROM    A    MELODRAMA    OF    PRIVATE    LIFE. 

BURGLARIOUS  ATTACK  UPON  OUR  ARTIST'S  STUDIO  ! — AWFDL  APPEARANCE  OF  THE 
LAY-FIGURE  ! — DISCOMFITURE  or  THE  BANDITTI,  AND  DEFEAT  OF  CRIME  ! 


A   CLEBICAL    QUIETIST. 

THE   following  advertisement '  is  one  of  the  abundant 

comicalities  of  that  amusing  publication,  the  Ecclesiastical 

:  Gazette:— 

j  "C'XCHANGE.— The  Advertiser,  who  dislikes  popularity, 
-L^  wishes  to  EXCHANGE  his  Living,  in  consequence  of  its  rising  toe 
rapidly  into  importance  for  his  taste.  It  is  a  Perpetual  Curacy.  In- 
come over  £200  per  annum,  together  with  a  modern  house  aud  good 
garden.  Population,  about  2500.  Excellent  Schools,  both  Endowed 
:uid  National.  Climate  healthy  and  bracing.  Wanted,  a  quiet  Agri- 

'  cultural  Village.    The  Sea-coast  preferred.    Full  particulars  requested. 

The  name  of  this  clergyman  we  conceive  to  be  JAQDES  ; 
(lie  REVEREND  MR.  JAQUES.  In  default  of  a  Forest  of 
Arden  wherein  to  revel  in  the  pleasures  of  solitude,  the 
New  Forest  in  Hampshire  may  perhaps  be  suggested  to 
'  the  reverend  gentleman  as  a  locality  wherein  he  may  be 
likely  to  get  suited  with  a  living.  It  is  situated  near  the 
coast,  and  there  is  a  particular  spot  in  it  named  Stony 
j  Cross,  where  MR.  JAQUES  will  find  as  many  sermons  to 
study  as  there  are  stones  with  sermons  in  them.  In  the 
New  Forest  MR.  JAQUES  will  be  able,  if  he  likes,  to  esta- 
blish a  hermitage,  into  which  it  will  be  easy  for  him  to 
convert  the  abode  of  some  badger,  by  enlarging  it.  His 
devotion  is  evidently  of  the  contemplative  rather  than  the 
active  sort,  and  in  the  sylvan  and  subterraneous  retreat, 
which  we  have  proposed  for  him,  it  will  be  in  his  power  to 
pursue  continual  meditation.  If  ever  he  should  experience 
the  want  of  something  to  do,  there  will  be  the  game  for 
him  to  preach  to,  as  ST.  ANTONY  preached  to  the  fishes. 
The  Church  of  England  has  not  as  yet  produced  an 
anchorite:  the  REVEREND  MR.  JAQUES  will,  perhaps  supply 
the  deficiency.  If  he  chooses  now  and  then  to  give  the 
STANLEYS  and  LEES  and  other  gipsies  who  will  be  his. 
fellow  foresters,  the  oenefit  of  his  exhortations,  he  can. 
But,  perhaps,  the  ascetic  life  may  not  be  agreeable  to  the 
reverend  advertiser,  and  the  quiet  desired  by  him  may  be 
simply  freedom  from  disturbance,  and  tranquillity  in  the 
enjoyment  of  port  wine.  Possibly  he  merely  wishes  to  ex- 
change the  cure  for  the  sinecure  of  souls,  and  a  sphere  of 
usefulness  for  a  situation  of  inutility.  His  parishioners 
will  be  sorry  to  lose  him ;  for  it  is  evident  that  he  has 
involuntarily  rendered  himself  popular  among  them,  inso- 
much that  the  popularity  which  he  has  acquired  displeases 
him.  What  a  difference  there  is  between  one  man  and 
another !  What  does  the  REVEREND  'MR.  SPURGEON  think 
of  a  divine  who  dislikes  popularity  ? 


THE  ART   OF  POULTRY   KEEPING, 

Considered  from  an  Aldermanic  point  of  view. 

JUDGING  from  the  show  at  Sydenham,  the  mania  for  keeping 
poultry  seems  as  widely  spread  as  that  for  keeping  a  perambulator,  and 
indeed  the  poultry  maniacs  appear  so  lost  to  reason  that  tliey  do  not 
hesitate  from  designating  their  pursuit  as  an  "Art."  This  we  learn  from 
a  treatise  headed  with  the  title  with  which  we  head  this  article,  and 
we  suppose  we  next  may  hear  of  the  "  Art "  of  keeping  pigs,  and  the 
"  Science  "  of  the  cow-stall.  It  is  a  pity  though,  we  think,  that  the  pro- 
fessors of  the  "Art"  do  not  inculcate  a  sounder  view  of  it  than  that 
which  seems  in  general  to  be  accepted  by  its  votaries.  Their  main 
failing,  as  we  think,  is  their  adherence  to  the  fallacy  that  "fine  feathers 
make  fine  birds ; "  their  aim  in  breeding  being  for  the  most  part  rather 
ornament  than  usefulness,  an  attempt  to  please  the  eye  rather  than  the 
palate.  We  believe  that  fully  two-thirds  of  the  prizes  gained  at 
Sydenham,  were  awarded  cither  for  the  plumage  or  the  shape ;  and 
indeed  the  epithets  by  which  the  breeds  are  principally  distinguished 
are  a  sufficient  indication  of  the  animus  of  the  breeders.  Being  no 
fanciers,  and  in  ignorance  of  its  merits,  we  should  hesitate  ourselves  to 
buy  a  "  Speckled  Hamburgh,"  in  the  fear  of  finding  that  its  flesh  was 
speckled  also ;  and  we  have  a  still  greater  contempt  for  those  pre- 
posterously prefixed  breeds,  the  "gold-laced"  and  the  "silver-pen- 
cilled," as  though  in  any  state  of  nature  a  fowl  could  wear  gold  lace, 
or  carry  a  silver  'pencil ! 

Now  as  chickens  are  born  for  something  more  than  merely  to  be 
looked  at,  we  think  tin's  cultivation  of  the  outward  fowl  to  the  com- 
parative neglect  of  the  inward  to  be  as  great  a  waste  of  pains  and  time 
as  that  which  forms  a  part  of  any  human  foppishness. 

To  our  view  a  fowl  never  looks  so  well  as  when  it 's  stripped  and 
dressed ;  and  were  we  elected  to  the  judge-ship  of  a  poultry  show,  we 
should  insist  upon  enjoying  the  privilege  which  is  accorded  at  a  fruit 
one— namely,  not  merely  of  viewing  the  competing  birds,  but  per- 
sonally tasting  them.  No  fair  exhibitress  ever  should  persuade  us 
that  her  Dorkings  were  "  sweet  things  "  until  we  had  eaten  a  slice  to 


prove  their  saccharinity ;  nor  would  we  pronounce  her  Bantams  to  bfr 
"  precious  pets,"  unless  we  by  our  palate  had  assayed  their  richness. 
Such  epithets  as  "juicy-fleshed"  or  "tender-legged"  would  sound  far 
sweeter  in  our  ears  than  "brassy-winged"  and  "golden-spangled," 
hard  metallic  attributes  which  set  our  teeth  on  edge  to  speak  of! 

In  the  present  misdirected  taste,  one  of  the  "beauties"  of  the 
Spanish  fowls  is  the  largeness  of  their  lobes,  which  in  the  prize-birds, 
we  are  told,  almost  prevent  their  seeing.  Such  ophthalmia  as  this  would 
find  no  favour  in  our  eyes,  although  perhaps  we  might  regard  with 

freater  lenience  that  kind  of  blindness  which  is  cause'd  by  overfatness. 
'o  the  coxcombry  of  cocks'combs  we  should  never  give  encouragement ; 
and,  instead  of  valuing  a  bird  for  being  "  double-crested,"  our  highest 
prize  should  be  awarded  to  the  man  who  introduced  to  us  a  breed  of 
double-breasted ! 

A  TUBULAR  BRIDGE  OF  FASHION. 

WHEN  the  Crinoline  inflated  petticoats  go  out  of  fashion,  as  go  they 
rapidly  must,  what  will  become  of  the  innumerable  air-tubes,  for 
thousands  and  thousands  of  miles  of  it  will  be  suddenly  thrown  upon 
the  market  ?  They  may  do  for  submarine  telegraphs,  as  the  electric 
wires  could  easily  be  carried  through  them;  or  there  may  be  an 
opening  for  them  m  the  way  of  life-preservers  and  swimming  belts,  the 
price  of  which  will  doubtlessly  fall  to  an  alarming  extent  in  the 
neighbourhood  of  the  Docks  ?  Or,  perhaps,  some  enterprising  modistes 
will  buy  up  the  entire  quantity  of  cast-off  pipes,  and  stitching  them 
together,  run  up  a  kind  of  speaking-tube  between  London  and  Paris, 
so  that  the  smallest  change  in  the  fashions  may  be  communicated  all 
the  way  through,  from  one  capital  to  another,  almost  in  a  breath  ? 


DARING   ACT   OF   PENMANSHIP. 

MR.  PAUL  BEDFORD  has  written  a  letter  to  the  Times  !  (The  friends 
of  MR.  WRIGHT  have  become  naturally  anxious  for  that  estimable  low 
comedian.) 


Printed  br  Willi.m  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullet  Eiani,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West.  Regrnt'a  Part,  both  in  the  Pariih  of  St.  Pancras.  in  the  Cmintj-  of  Midille»m. 
Printer*,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Wuitefrimrs,  in  the  City  of  London,  au  I  Published  by  them  at  No.  85 ,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Paritu  oi  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of 
London,— SATUBDAY,  February  7, 18*7, 


FEBRUARY  14,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


61 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT.' 


EB.  SRD,  1857.  Tuesday.  Parliament  reassembled. 
HER  MAJESTY  was  pleased  to  have  Her  own  gracious 
reason  for  non-appearance,  and  LORD  CHANCELLOR 
CRANWORTU  read  the  Speech  for  Her.  Its  contents 
were  as  follows : — 

Glad  to  see  you. 

Treaty  of  Paris  settled. 

Prussia  v.  Switzerland  ditto,  I  hope. 

Have  cut  BOMB  A. 

Central  America  will  be  all  right. 

Am  sworn  friends  with  the  KING  op  SIAM. 

Have  walked  into  the  Persians. 

Have  pitched  into  the  Chinese. 

Estimates  to  be  as  economical  as  possible. 

Law  amendments  to  be  proposed. 

Currency  question  must  come  up. 

People  content.    Trade  nourishing. 

Soft  Soap. 

Short  prayer. 

The  bottle  of  Parliamentary  eloquence  was  naturally  opened  by 
getting  LORD  CORK  out  of  the  way,  and  LORD  AIRLIE  was  also  a  very 
airlie  speaker.  LORD  DERBY,  in  the  stereotype  phrase  of  opposition, 
professed  extreme  disgust  with  the  meagreness  of  the  Speech,  and 
scoffed  a  good  deal  at  Ministerial  foreign  policy,  which  LORD 
CLARENDON  defended,  intimating  that  the  other  Earl  talked  ridi- 
culously, not  having  read  the  documents  affecting  the  questions  he 
discussed.  EARL  GREY  stood  up  for  the  Persians,  and  although  LORD 
GRANVILLE  assured  him  that  they  had  been  served  quite  right,  and 
LORD  BROUGHAM  (wishing,  however,  to  know  more)  was  perfectly 
satisfied  with  the  conduct  of  Government  in  the  matter,  GREY  insisted 
on  taking  a  division,  and  was  beaten  by  45  to  12. 

The  Chancellor  announced  that  among  the  Law  amendments  to  be 
introduced,  one  affected  the  Ecclesiastical  Courts,  another  the  law  of 
Marriage,  and  a  third  Breaches  of  Trust,  under  the  penal  provisions  of 
which  last  act  Mr.  Punch,  hopes  that  Ministers  will  be  brought,  if 
either  of  the  two  other  bills  should  be  once  more  abandoned. 

In  the  Commons  MR.  HAYTEH  (the  whipper-in)  gave  notice  of 
some  more  Government  bills,  one  of  which  regarded  Transportation, 
and  another  the  establishment  of  Reformatory  Schools.  This  sounds 
well.  Transport  our  adult  offenders,  and  reclaim  our  young  ones,  and 
crime  will  rapidly  diminish.  Mr.  Punch  wishes  he  could  believe  that 
the  new  measures  will  be  framed  upon  a  national  scale.  At  the  present 
writing  he  believes  nothing  of  the  kind. 

The  debate  on  the  Address  was  not  a  bad  one.  The  echoes  in 
uniform  having  subsided,  MR.  DISRAELI  delivered  a  long  and  enter- 
taining invective  against  Ministers  for  everything  they  had  done  or  not 
done  since  he  had  last  the  pleasure  of  vituperating  them.  His  chief 
point  was  the  amiable  intimation  that  they  were  Humbugs,  for  that 
they  had  been  encouraging  Italian  aspirations  for  independence,  while 
they  knew  that  England  had  assented  to  a  secret  treaty  by  which 
i  ranee  was  bound  to  preserve  to  Austria  her  Italian  spoliations.  This 
statement  made  a  great  sensation.  LORD  PALMERSTON  declared  that 
there  was  no  such  treaty,  and  assailed  DIZZY  with  Rabelaisian  abuse, 
calling  him  a  gossip,  a  gobemouche,  and  a  fly-catcher.  But  MR.  DISRAELI 
replied  that  he  "  tad  seen  the  treaty."  Now  the  question  is,  who  is 


to  be  believed  ?  Is  PAM  a  Sham,  or  ought  the  other's  name  to  be 
written  in  future — DISRAE-LIE  ?  Leaving  this  for  the  consideration  of 
the  universe,  let  us  proceed  to  note  that  MR.  GLADSTONE  assailed 
LORD  PALMERSTON  as  a  quarrelsome  person,  and  applied  himself  to 
the  Income-Tax  question,  on  which  (and,  we  suspect,  on  some  other 
matters)  he  means  to  lend  his  honeyed  eloquence  and  valuable  vote  to 
HKR  MAJESTY'S  opposition.  He  said,  neatly  enough,  that  the  people 
of  England,  though  impatient  of  taxation,  are  reckless  of  expenditure ; 
but  if  he  would  have  the  extreme  goodness  to  point  out  in  what 
practical  way  BROWN  and  JONES  can  check  Government  expenditure 
under  our  present  system,  those  gentlemen  would  be  very  much  in- 
debted to  him,  and  would  much  prefer  being  so  to  being  indebted  to 
the  tax-collector.  However,  the  fight  on  the  Tax  is  to  come  off  at  no 
distant  date,  and  a  good  slice  of  the  Tax  is  to  come  off  also.  We 
advise  the  Nimble  Ninepence  to  be  as  nimble  as  possible  in  getting 
away.  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL  expressed  general  dissatisfaction  with 
most  things,  and  MR.  MILNER  GIBSON  made  some  protests  to  which 
nobody  paid  any  attention.  SIR  JOHN  PAKINGTON  got  LORD  PAL- 
MERSTON to  alter  the  address  so  as  to  avoid  committing  the  House  to 
any  opinion  as  to  the  China  business,  and  then  the  Address  was 
agreed  to. 

Wednesday.  On  the  next  stage  of  the  Address'  MR.  HADFIELD  com- 
plained that  he  never  heard  in  a  Speech  anvthing  that  he  did  not  know 
before.  Mr.  Punch  could  easily  make  the  honourable  and  disagreeable 
member  one  which  would  not  be  liable  to  that  censure,  but,  valuing  him- 
self on  his  extreme  suavity  and  politeness,  abstains.  VERNON  SMITH 
mentioned  that  cotton  was  being  satisfactorily  cultivated  in  Bombay. 
The  deficiency  in  supply  has  been  attributed  to  the  immense  quantities, 
which,  whenever  Indian  grievances  come  up,  are  found  to  be  stuffed 
into  the  ears  of  the  authorities.  The  House  appointed  its  Kitchen 
Committee,  and  departed  to  the  domestic  lunch. 

Thursday.  In  the  House  of  Lords  a  piteous  spectacle  was  afforded. 
Poor  LORD  CARDIGAN,  who  has  merited  and  obtained  so  much  casti- 
gation  that  humane  people  are  now  inclined  to  let  him  alone,  has  found 
a  new  enemy  in  one  of  his  own  order.  Major  the  Honourable  SOMERSET 
CALTHORPE.  In  a  book  on  the  Crimean  Campaign,  the  Major,  a 
relative  of  LORD  RAGLAN,  has,  according  to  the  Earl,  "  maligned  and 
defamed  "  him.  LORD  CARDIGAN,  after  an  historical  resume  of  duelling, 
a  touching  reference  to  his  own  trial  for  felony,  and  an  implied  lamen- 
tation that  it  was  impossible  for  him  to  call  CALTHORPE  out,  stated  that 
he  had  in  vain  sought  reparation  from  that  individual,  and  therefore 
had  asked  the  DUKE  OF  CAMBRIDGE  to  bring  the  Major  to  a  Court- 
martial.  The  Duke  refused  to  be  bored  with  such  bosh,  having  real 
business  on  his  hands,  and  so  LORD  CARDIGAN  was  driven  to  ask  LORD 
PANMURE  whether  such  conduct  as  MAJOR  CALTHORPE'S  was  right 
and  proper.  LORD  PANMURE,  in  reply,  blew  him  up  for  turning  the 
House  of  Lords  into  a  grievance  tribunal,  and  told  him  that  he  had 
received  the  thanks  of  Parliament  for  his  services,  and  those  were  an 
answer  to  all  attacks.  The  Major  has,  of  course,  written  to  the  papers, 
reiterating  his  charges,  and  especially  reminding  LORD  CARDIGAN  that 
his  Lordship  was  retreating  from  the  Balaklava  Charge  while  his  men 
were  advancing,  and  that  he  rides  too  well  to  lay  the  blame  upon  his 
horse. 

In  the  Commons  MR.  SPOONER  gave  notice  that  his  attack  on  May- 
nooth  would  be  renewed  in  a  fortnight.  There  seems  no  hope  of 
escape.  If  he  lived  at  Netting  Hill,  or  some  other  retired  district — 
but  no,  he  resides  close  to  the  House,  and  in  the  thick  of  gaslights 
and  policemen ;  besides,  it  is  impossible  to  regard  the  Garotte  as 
constitutional,  even  in  an  extreme  case  like  this.  Perhaps,  in  the 
meantime,  some  beautiful  young  Catholic  lady  may  fall  in  love  with 
him  and  convert  him  to  the  old  faith.  We  see  no  other  chance  for  the 
nation,  unless  this  atrocious  weather  should  give  him  a  touch  of 
bronchitis,  which  we  heartily  hope  it  will  not,  much  as  we  detest  the 
annual  squabble  he  raises.  There  was  nothing  else  worth  note,  except 
that  a  Select  Committee  was  appointed  to  consider  what  is  to  be  done 
with  the  Hudson's  Bay  Company,  which,  under  old  charters,  keeps 
colonisation  out  of  an  enormous  piece  of  our  American  possessions,  in 
order  to  preserve  the  animals  that  yield  the  furs  in  which  the  Company 
trade.  This  great  wild  beast  preserve  will  have  to  be  enfranchised. 

Friday.  A  few  of  the  Lords  met,  exchanged  a  quarter-of-an- 
hour's  chat,  and  separated.  About  the  only  thing  they  did  was  to 
receive  a  petition  from  Margate  against  the  Income-Tax.  It  is  a  little 
surprising  that  svstematic  robbery  should  not  find  favour  with  the 
Margate  lodging-house  keepers,  especially,  when  it  is  connected  with 
enormous  lying. 

In  the  Commons,  Sra  CORNEWALL  LEWIS  explained  that  in  regard 
to  the  Persian  war,  JOHN  BULL  and  JOHN  COMPANY  go  Yorkshire ; 
but  as  regards  the  Chinese  affair,  BULL  stands  Sammy.  Reducing  this 
explanation  to  vulgar  English,  it  means  that  the  first  outlay  is  snared 
equally  between  England  and  the  East  Indian  Company,  but  that  the 
country  defrays  the  second.  However,  as  the  Company  owe  us  money, 
we  pay  them  nothing  this  year.  A  long  debate  then  followed  upon  the 
Currency  Question,  on  which,  as  everybody  understands  it,  no  inform- 
ation is  necessary  beyond  the  statement  that  Government,  instead  of 
coming  forward  with  a  Bill  upon  the  subject  of  the  Bank  Charter,  refer 


VOL.  XXXII. 


62 


PUNCH,   OR  THE 


the  matter  to  a  committee,  in  order  to  escape  .  trouble, ^ 
sibilitv.    After  this,  MR.  LOWE  brought  ma  BilH.or  abo      ing  the 
passing  tolls  claimea  by  four  harbours,  one  o  winch  is  Ramsgate 
his  wHtci-ino--place  is  now  to  be  taken  into  the  hands  of  Government, 
it  wiU  be  open  to  any  Member  to  put,  during  the  bathing  season,  such 
a  notice  as  this  on  the  paper  :— 

"  MR.  PUDOR  to  ask  VISCOUNT  PALMERSTON  Aether  it  is  true  that 
the  Ladies  at  Ramsgate  sit  among  the  Bathing-Machines  to  th em- 
barrassment  of  the  Masculine  Bathers  •  and  whether  the  nolle  VascoOTT 
is  prepared  to  take  measures  for  checking  so  objectionable  a  practice 
Also  to  move  for  a  return  of  the  names  and  ages  of  the  Ladies  who  arc 
found  on  that  part  of  the  Ramsgate  Sands. 


A    COURT    ALMONER    EXTRAORDINARY. 

HE  Royal  Household  Books  of 
the  Middle  Ages  contain  en- 
tries of  expenses,  among  which 
are  occasionally  found  items  of 
this  description—"  Pd  ye  Di- 
v-ell  viii'1:"  that  is  to  say, 
paid  somebody  eight  pence  for 
personating  the  devil  in  a 
"  mystery  "  or  "  morality :  " 
the '  palace  theatricals  of  the 
period.  Eightpence  does  not 
seem  a  very  handsome  remu- 
neration for  playing  the  devil ; 
but  money  was  more  valuable 
then  than  it  is  now;  and  per- 
haps the  Lord  Chamberlain,  or 
Master  of  the  Revels,  or  who- 
ever it  was  that  had  to  regulate 
the  salaries  of  the  actors,  did 
verily  give  "y"  Divell"  his 
due. 

It  appears  that,  under  ex- 
isting arrangements  at  Wind- 
sor Castle,  the  due,  perhaps, 
but  certainly  no  more  than 
the  due,  is  awarded  to  the 
player.  That  such  is  the 
sase  is  indicated  by  the  following  Police  Report  :— 


NO  JOKE  FOR  A  JURY. 

THE  wisdom  of  our  ancestors  was  remarkably  exhibited  in  a  matter 
which  occurred  the  other  day  at  the  Central  Criminal  Court,  A  inry 
not  being  able  to  agree  upon  their  verdict  m  a  certain  case,  were  locked 
up  all  night.  The  next  morning  they  were  brought  into  court,  not 
having  come,  and  not  being  likely  t9  come,  to  an  agreement— wherefore 
they  were  discharged.  The  fact  is  that  the  provision  made  by  the 
wisdom  of  our  ancestors  for  ensuring  their  unanimity  was  practically 
nullified.  According  to  the  report  :— 

"A  jury  in  a  criminal  case,  in  the  present  state  of  the  law,  are  not  allowed  to 
have  any  refreshment  or  fire,  with  the  exception  of  candle-light ;  but  with  a  view 
to  remedy,  as  far  as  was  practicable,  the  inconvenience  to  which  they  must  neces- 
sarily be  subjected  by  being  confined  in  such  cruel  weather  without  any  necessary 
comforts,  MR.  UNDER-SHERIFF  CROSLKY,  with  the  sanction  of  the  Court,  directc 
that  the  jury  should  be  placed  in  the  dining-room,  in  which  there  had  been  two 
large  fires  the  whole  of  the  evening,  and  a  gre»t  number  of  lamps  were  also  placed 
in  it,  and  this  to  some  extent  increased  the  temperature. 

The  consequence  was,  that  the  jury  came  to  no  agreement.  Had 
they  been,  in  the  spirit  of  our  ancestors'  wisdom,  confined  in  an  atmo- 
sphere of  26°,  which,  in  the  absence  of  artilicial  heat,  would  have  been 
about  the  temperature  at  which  they  would  have  had  to  conduct  their 
deliberations,  possibly  they  would  have  soon  arrived  at  a  conclusion.  | 
Cold  and  hunger  together  would  perhaps  have  succeeded.  Hunger 
done  was  tried.  The  report  in  continuation  states  that  :— - 

"  The  jurymen  earnestly  entreated  to  be  allowed  to  have  some  refreshment  but 
they  were  informed  that  the  law  was  inexorable,  and  that  the  Court  could  not 
egally  grant  their  request." 

Mere  starvation  failed.  The  jurymen  should  have  been  frozen  as  well 
as  starved.  It  is  true  that  they  might  have  set  to  at  sparring  to  main- 
tain their  animal  heat,  and  have  occupied  themselves  in  punching  one  j 
another's  heads  instead  of  laying  them  together.  This  exercise,  how- 
ever might  have  been  compatible  with  a  determination,  for  they  might 
liave  foiHit  out  the  question  of  the  prisoner's  guilt  or  irmocence.  Ihe 
practice  of  freezing  and  starving  a  jury  into  some  decision  is  one  | 
example  of  that  wisdom  of  our  ancestors  whereof  the  peine  forte  et  (litre  j 
was  another— onlv  the  former  instance  of  wisdom  is  more  wonderful 
than  the  latter- for  the  idea  of  overcoming  obstinacy  by  the  infliction 
of  pain  can  be  understood ;  but  that  of  convincing  the  mind  by  the 
same  method,  passes  all  understanding.  Besides,  t  he  prisoner  pressed 
to  death  may  peradventure  be  guilty,  whereas  the  starved  and  irozen 
jury  are  not  even  accused  of  any  offence.  Of  these  two  illustrations  of 
the  wisdom  of  our  ancestors  we  have  abolished  the  less  striking,  but 
we  retain  the  more  stupendous. 


T,  and 


THE  WIHDSOR  CASTLE  THEATRICALS  AXD  THE  PooR-Box.— MR.  J 
the  well-known  Comedian  at  the  Olympic  Theatre,  waited  on  MR. 
landed  to  his  worship  the  sum  of  13«.  \d.,  with  the  following  note  :— 

"Sir— Allow  me  to  present  to  the  poor-box  the  enclosed  13«.  4rf.,  being  the 
amount  I  received  for  performing  at  Windsor  Castle  on  Wednesday  eve 

"  —  ELLIOTT,  ESQ.  "  I  am,  Sir,  your  obedient  Servant,  JAMES 

•'  MR.  ROGER'S  requested  his  worship  would,  with  his  usual  kindness,  acknowledge 
his  small  donation  in  the  usual  way,  upon  which  MR  ELLIOTT  said  he  would  give 
aim  a  receipt  for  it  but  MR.  EOOERS  replied  that  that  wiw  not  necessary. 

-It  would  appear  that  the  restriction  of  such  members  of  the  Olympic  company 
as  performed  before  the  QCEEN  and  Court  oil  Wednesday  night  last  to  the  paj  men 
of  their  more  night's  salary,  has  given  rise  to  some  gossip  and  grumblings  amongst 
the  profession." 

Polonius  at  Windsor  Castle  does  not  take  the  advice  of  Hamlet  in 
the  matter  of  dealing  with  the  players.  When  the  Prince  of  Denmark 
desires  the  old  courtier  to  use  those  professional  ladies  and  gentlemen 
well,  PoloMws  replies  by  promising  to  use  them  according  to  tneir 
desert ;  whereupon  the  princely  Dane  rejoins  :— 

"  Odd's  bodkin,  man,  bettor  :  Use  every  man  after  his  desert,  and  who  should 
•scape  whipping !  Use  them  after  your  own  honour  and  ^dignity  :  The  less  they 
deserve,  the  more  merit  is  in  your  bounty.  Take  them  m. 

The  Windsor  Polomiis  has  altogether  disregarded  these  instructions 
unless  indeed  MR.  ROGERS  and  his  fellow  comedians  may  with  reason, 
consider  that  he  has,  in  a  sense,  fulfilled  the  last  one.  It  he  has  how- 
ever, done  the  actors  bare  justice,  has  he  done  so  much  as  that  to  the 
dramatic  authors  whose  pieces  have  been  performed  before  the  Court  P 
Have  they  received  any  recognition  whatever  : 

Polonius  may  perhaps  hold  that  the  sum  of  13s.  4</.  is  a  royal  reward, 
inasmuch  as  it  is  more  than  a  noble  one :  bems,  in  fact,  twice  as  much 
as  a  Noble.  He  may  also  contend  that  MR.  ROGERS  had  no  reason  to 
be  dissatisfied  with  liis  hire,  since,  marry,  the  payment  made  to  lum, 
amounting  to  13*.  4rf.,  constituted  an  acknowledgment  that  he  was  an 
actor  who  had  made  his  Mark. 


Prima  Facie  Evidence. 

No  man  carries  his  business  in  his  face  so  unmistakeably  as  BRASSY. 
He  is  a  la\vy,T  and  a  bill-discounter,  and  has  a  parchment  skin  and  a 
bolt  le -nose.  He  takes  snuff,  too,  m  a  greedy  grasping  manner  as 
though  it  were  a  client  he  was  pinching,  and  he  would  not  be  satished 
with  anything  short  of  cent-per-cent ! 


A  LION  LIEUTENANT. 

A  SMARTLY  written  account  of  a  Staffordshire  Yeomanry  Ball  is  given 
in  a  recent  number  of  the  Wolverhampion  Nevis.  The  writer  has  studied, 
not  unsuccessfully,  the  inipertineucies  of  American  ball-critics,  and  he  ! 
discourses  with  the  most  unhesitating  freedom  upon  the  personal  ad-  I 
vantages   and  disadvantages  of  the  ladies   and  gentlemen  present. 
However,  if  the  Staffordshire  people  like  that  sort  of  thing  it  is  their 
business.    We  propose  to  extract  one  sample  only,  for  the  delccta 
of  mankind  generally : — 

"  The  (n-eat  horo.of  the  evening,  however,  was  a  genuine  cherubim  of  the  10th 

Hussars  accompanied  by  L.EOT.  M ,  of  the  Staffordshire  militia,  just  returned 

irom  the  Cape  of  Good  Hope,  and  who  engrafts  on  the  gentlemanly  deportment  o 
his  father  all  the  ease  and  magnanimity  of  the  Afi-icaii  Hon. 

Simply  pointing  out  to  the  ingenious  writer  of  the  above  that  the 
word  "cherubim"  is  plural,  and  means  cherubs  (it  is  perhaps  too 
much  to  expect  Hebrew  from  Wolverhampton),  we  should  like  to  see 
an  explanation  of  his  description  of  the  gallant  Lieutenant  from  the 
Cape.  At  present  our  zoology  is  at  fault. 


A  Cure  for  Crinoline. 

THE  young  men  of  fashionable  society  propose  to  form  themselves 
into  a  combination  asainst  the  gigantic  nuisance  of  Crinoline, 
confederacy  will  styleltself  the  Anti-Daneing-League ;  its  members  all 
engaging  with  each  other  not  to  contract  any  engagement  to  dance 
any  evening  at  any  party  whatsoever  with  any  young  lady,  or  wit 
old  woman,  who  wears  those  preposterous  skirts  which  incommode 
everybodv  about    her    for  a  considerable  distance,  and   render 
performance  of   a  waltz  or  a  polka,  with  the  most  eligible  partner 
an  intolerable  bore. 

JUDGMENT  REVJKRSED.-H  PAWS  had  to  go  over  his  celebrated 
Judgment  at  the  present  day,  he  would; give  the  Apple,  not  to  tl 
prettiest  woman,  but  to  the  one  who  had  the  largest  Japan. 

A  JINGLE  TOR  THE  EARS  or  PARLIAMENT.— Precarious  Income  is 
incommensurate  with  income  derived  from  permanent  property. 


FEBIICARY  14,  1857.] 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


HOOP  AND   JUPE. 

IN  a  Duchess's  satin-wood  wardrobe  so  spacious 

A  ball-dress  withy npe  en  tube  gave  itself  airs, 
Taking  up  so  much  room  for  its  volume  capacious 

That  the  skirts  which  hung  near  were  deprived  of  their  shares. 
In  vain  angry  gauzes  and  silks  puffed  and  rustled, 

And  dowager  moire  antiques  thrust  their  way  ; 
To  the  corner  a  meek  French-grey  satin  was  hustled, 

And  a  blush-coloured  crepe  on  the  floor  swooning  lay. 

Now  it  chanced  that,  besides  modern  dresses,  there  slumbered 

hi  the  Duchess's  wardrobe  an  ancient  brocade ; 
From  the  days  of  QUEEN  ANNE  its  first  triumphs  it  numbered, 

And  under  two  GEORGES  a  figure  had  made. 
It  had  s  \\-um  through  a  minuet  at  Kensington  Palace, 

Promenaded  at  lian'lagh,  been  chaired  through  the  Mall, 
Stooped  to  fro  masquerading  to  MADAME  CORXEIA'S, 

Tlieu  slept,  till  revived  for  the  last  powder-bull. 

auger  the  von",  able  hoop  had  been  swelling 

At  the  modern  balloon,  in  ii>  over-pulled  pride  ; 
Till  at  length,  such  audacious  sneroachments  repelling. 

The  soul  'neath  the  old  whalebone  ribs  woke,  and  cried  ; 
"How  dare  > on,  M:ss  FLIMSY,  come  thrusting  your  flounces 

On  your  elders  and  betters?     How  dare  you,  I  sav? 
Your  sixteen  full  breadths,  and  your  tubes  and  your  bounces 

Won't  impose  upon  me,  Miss  !  nor  make  me  give  way. 

"  My  dears,  I  'm  surprised  " — here  she  turned  to  the  dresses, 

Who  stared  from  their  pegs,  at  her  courage  spell-bound — 
"  You  endure  such  a  creature's  great  airs,  who  I  guess  is 

Grande  dame  in  no  sense,  but  her  measurement  round. 
Do  look  at  those  volants,  like  leaves  of  cow-cabbage, 

Swelling,  row  under  row,  trimmed  with  ruc/te  by  the  mile  ! 
I  don't  speak  of  the  cost :  in  my  time  we  'd  no  BABBA.GE — 

But  the  taste 's  what  I  look  at,  my  dears,  and  'tis  vile ! " 

"  You  old  thing ! "  cried  the  angrv  young  jupe  in  a  passion, 

"  How  dare  you  talk  of  size,  with  that  hoop  stiffened  out ; 
It's  only  your  spite,  because  I'm  in  the  fashion, 

And  you  're  not,  if  you  ever  mere  in,  which  I  doubt. 
1  believe,  if  this  moment  we  both  could  be  measured, 

There's  stuff  in  your  tawdry  old  skirt — so  I  do — 
(I  can't  think  how  such  rubbish  her  grace  should  have  treasured) 

Of  moderate  skirts,  such  as  mine,  to  make.two. 

"  Or  suppose  'tis  no  ampler,  at  least  'tis  as  ample 

As  ever  tijupoit  that's  worn  noW-a-days ; 
So  against  your  abuse,  Ma'am,  I  plead  the  example 

Of  your  own  whalebone  tub  crowned  by  long-waisted  stays. 
But  absurd  as  you  look,  in  this  wardrobe  suspended, 

With  nothing  inside  you,  decide,  dresses,  pray, 
If  by  tall-powdered  tete,  and  high  heels  she  'd',be  mended, 

And  the  patched,  painted  face  of  a  belle  of  her  day ! " 

"  Irreverent  monkey ! " — rejoined,  with  a  rustle 

Of  her  sore-ruffled  folds  the  indignant  brocade— 
"  How  dare  you,,  wretched  offspring  of  bouffant  and  bustle, 

Judge  the  elegant  times  when  my  gloss  was  displayed  ? 
When  no  slip-shod  slatternly  nature  intruded 

In  manner  or  morals,  deportment  or  dress  • 
When  gowns  sat  and  rose,  walked  and  danced— as,  if  yon  did, 

You  'd  have  reason  to  give  yourself  airs,  I  confess. 

"  From  the  tip  of  a  heel  to  the  lace  of  a  top-knot, 

Ladies  then  were  turned  out  from  Art's  finishing  school: 

Durst. not  shift  e'en  a  pat  eh,  not  add  riband  or  drop-knot, 
_  From  bodice  or  sleeve,  but  according  to  rule. 

Each  bend  of  the  body,  each  beat  of  the  bosom 

Vv  as  marked  out  by  compass  and  measured  by  line  : 

I  suppose  folks  had  hearts,  and  were  subject  to'lose  'em, 
But  hearts  or  no  hearts,  all  was  stately  and  fine. 

"  Then  I  had  a  meaning :  the  whalebone  that  bound  me 

VV  as  an  emblem  of  manners  as  stiff  as  its  pale  : 
Patches,  paint,  high-heeled  shoes,  powdered  fete*— all  around  me, 

From  BEAU  NASH  at  the  Bath,  to  MACHEATH  in  the  gaol- 
All  was  mannered  and  modish  :  but  you  affect  nature ; 

Your  manners  are  blunt— not  to  use  a  worse  word- 
In  style  and  deportment,  iu  movement  and  feature, 

As  nature  decides,  at  your  ease  you  're  absurd. 

"  Then  the  dress  of  old  times  with  old  manners  abandon, 
Out  of  second-hand  hoops  wriggle  fast  as  you  may ; 

For  ridicule,  now,  lays  irreverent  hand  on 
Excesses,  which  fashion  could  crown  in  my  day. 


If  folks  will  trust  nature,  in  all  she  inspires  them, 
Iu  her  good  as  her  bad  do  give  nature  a  chance : 

Let  our  women  be  seen,  not  the  stuff  that  attires  them  : 
And  leave  Crinoline  and  air-jupons  to  France." 


TICKETS. OF- LEAVE! 

(Bow  then  Work  in  Private  Life.) 

11.  JONIS  obtained  leave  of 
absence  for  four  days  upon 
the  plea  that  he  had  most 
important  business  to  trans- 
act iu  the  country.  Upon 
MR.  JONES  being  acciden- 
tally seen  in  a  private  box 
at  the  Olympic,  it  would 
seem  as  though  his  business 
had  been  suddenly  post- 
poned, for  he  returned  home 
m  a  very  great  hurry  that 
same  evening. 

The  Ticket  -  of  -  Leave 
which  had  been  promised 
to  MRS.  AUGUSTA  BROWN 
for  a  month's  holiday  next 
autumn  at  Broadstairs  (and 
upon  which  she  had  so  far 
built  as  to  order  in  Crau- 
bournc  Street  a  new  Chan- 
till^  bonnet  expressly  from 
Paris),  has  since  been  re- 
scinded, owing  to  a  violent 
tit  of  hysterics  that  she  was 
weak  enough  to  indulge  in 
on  her  birthday,  because 
MR.  BROWN  ventured  before 
company  to  express  his  dis- 
pleasure, in' terms  that  he  "could  not  possibly  control,"  upon  the 
shabbiness  of  the  dinner. 

Miss  LOUISA  SYMPSON  and  Miss  DOROTHEA  PERKINS  have  each  had 
their  Tickets-of-Leave  for  two  hours'  absence  every  day  taken  away 
from  them,  as  the  awful  discovery  was  made,  that  instead  of  going  to 
SIGNOR  SOTTOVOCE'S  for  their  singing-lesson,  they  were  in  the  habit  of 
strolling  into  the  conservatory  at  the  Pantheon  Bazaar,  where  two 
moustachioed  gentlemen,  "  unbeknown "  to  their  mammas,  were 
generally  waiting  for  them.  Their  movements  have  been  closely 
watched  ever  since. 

The  Ticket-of-Leave  that  was  granted  to  MEGGY,  the  Irish  cook,  of 
411,  Albany  Street,  to  go  to  the  theatre  with  her  brother,  who  had  just 
come  home  from  Australia, was  instantly  suspended  upon  its  being  dis- 
covered that  her  brother  wore  the  uniform  of  a  corporal  of  the  dashing 
regiment  that  is  quartered  in  the  neighbouring  barracks.  MEGGY, 
until  her  removal,  which  takes  place  at  the  end  of  the  month,  is  placed 
under  strict  surveillance. 

MR.  FRANK  HUGHES  has  had  his  Ticket-of-Leave,  that  he  has  en- 
joyed for  several  years  past,  to  dine  at  the  club  every  Saturday, 
unequivocally  suspended  until  further  notice,  as  last  week  he  came 
home  with  only  half  a  collar,  and  his  neck-handkerchief  dangling  down 
his  back,  in  such  a  helpless  deplorable  state  that  it  was  morally  impos- 
sible to  believe  that  the  "  Salmon"  could  be  entirely  to  blame *for  it. 

The  Tickets-of-Leave  that  had  been  liberally  given  to  the  pupils  of 
DR.  BIRCH'S  Academy  for  an  extra  week's  holiday,  have  since  been  re- 
called upon  certain  representations  having  been  made  to  the  worthy 
Doctor  by  several  of  the  parents,  whose  means  of  living  are  not 
perhaps  of  the  most  expansive  character,  that  the  indulgence,  though 
kindly  meant,  was  only  likely  to  retard  the  progress  of  their  sou's 
studies. 

MRS.  THOMPSON'S  umbrella  that  had  been  carried  off  by  the 
FALCONS  one  tempestuous  night,  when  it  was  pouring  with  rain,  upon 
their  solemidy  undertaking  to  send  it  back  the  next  morning,  came 
home  twenty-three  days  after  its  Tickct-of-Lcave  had  expired,  not  in 
the  least  improved  from  its  lengthened  absence. 


The  Pope's  Best  Boy. 

Ii  is  said  that  Pio  NONO  calls  KING  BOMBA  "the  holiest  son  of  the 
Church."  If  BOMBA  merits  that  description,  the  Church,  unless  her 
girls  are  better  than  her  boys,  must  have  a  sad  family. 


NEW  GEOGRAPHICAL  WANT.— A  Chart(er)  of  the  Bank  on  "MERCA- 
TOR'S"  Projection. 


64 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  14,  1857. 


A    GOOD    LIVER. 

Frank.  "I  SAY,  GRANDPA!    HAVEN'T  YOU  GOT  SOME  CHAPS  COMING  TO  GRUB  WITH  YOU  TO-DAY?" 

Grandpa.  "En!    WHAT?    SOME  GENTLEMEN  ARE  COMING  TO  DINE  WITH  ME  TO-DAY,  SIR,  IF  THAT'S  WHAT  YOU  MEAN!" 

Frank.  "HAH!    SAME  TBING!   WELL,   LOOK  HERE!    YOUR  COOK  ISN'T  A  GREAT  HAND  AT  A  SALAD — NOW  THAT'S  A  THING  I 

FLATTER .  MYSELF  I  UNDERSTAND  BETTER  THAN  MOST  MEN — SO,   IF   YOU   LIKE,   I'LL  MIX   YOU   ONE!" 


A  RAT  IN  THE  HOUSE. 

IN  the  last  number  of  the  Quarterly  there  is  an  admirable  article  on 
Rats ;   and  we  hope  we  betray  no  confidence  when  we  inform  the  j 
reader  that  it  is   the  production   of   the  RIGHT  HON.  BENJAMIN 
DISRAELI.    Indeed,  to  any  one  acquainted  with  the  style  of  Coningsly, 
the  manner  reveals  itself.    There  is,  however,  one  especial  bit  that  we 
must  quote,  inasmuch  as  (probably  all  unconsciously)  it  reveals  the  j 
hopes  and  intentions  of  the  Right  Hon.  gentleman  during  the  present '. 
session  with  a  view  to  a  return  to  the  enjoyment  of  the  fatness  of 
office.    The  writer  dwells  upon  the  habits  of  rats  ;  with  their  extra- 
ordinary adaptation  of  means  to  ends  in  the  pursuit  of  food.    Thev 
will,  by  means  of  a  division  of  labour,  carry  eggs  up-stairs  ;  they  will , 
tip  over  a  drum  of  figs  that  their  brethren  under  the  table  may  have  a 
scramble ;  and — writes  MR.  DISKAELI  : — 

"They  will  extract  the  cotton  from  a  flask  of  Florence  oil,  dipping  in  their  long 
tails,  and  repeating  the  manoeuvre,  until  they  have  consumed  every  drop." 

Now,  it  is  our  firm  belief  that,  in  this  little  anecdote  MR.  DISRAELI 
has  revealed  the  policy  of  himself  and  party  for  at  least  the  present 
session.  First,  they  have  to  make  sure  of  the  cotton.  That  is,  they 
have  to  get  over  the  Manchester  party ;  and  so,  by  amendments  on  the 
Army  and  Navy  estimates,  cutting  them  down  to  the  quick,  to  damage 
the  Ministry.  Well,  we  will  say  the  cotton  is  secured.  How  is  the 
oil  to  be  extracted  ?  We  acknowledge  it  to  be  the  privilege  of  genius 
to  make  nought  of  difficulty.  Nevertheless,  we  must  ask  it.  How 
will  the  party  manage  to  acliieve  the  required  elevation  that  it  may 
introduce  its  tail  downward  into  the  flask  ?  As  to  the  possibility  of 
extracting  the  cotton,  we  must  not— especially  after  MR.  MILNER 
GIBSON'S  last  address  to  his  constituents — for  a  moment  doubt:  but 
with  even  the  cotton  made  sure  of,  how  to  get  at  the  oil  ?  Well,  the 
only  way  will  be  to  capsize  the  flask,  and  this  MR.  DISRAELI  will 
certainly  do  if — he  can. 


AN  ICE  STATE  OF  THINGS. 

WE  have  every  disposition  to  avoid  a  pun,  but  we  cannot  help  saying 
that  the  streets  last  week  were  in  an  ice  mess.  To  say  the  pavements 
were  like  glass  would  be  to  use  a  phrase  in  everybody's  mouth,  although 
nobody  we  suppose  ever  walked  upon  glass,  or  could  speak  from  expe- 
rience of  the  truth  of  the  comparison.  It  would  perhaps  be  more 
correct  to  say  that  the  pavements  were  like  strips  of  Wenham  Lake 
when  frozen ;  and  any  one  who  ventured  on  them,  even  without  skates, 
was  pretty  sure  to  cut  a  figure.  To  persons  of  our  weight  the  matter 
was  really  far  too  serious  for  joking,  or  we  might  have  remarked  that 
abnost  every  one  we  met  seemed  to  have  come  out  in  his  slippers,  and 
to  have  lost  his  powers  of  understanding.  More  than  once  in  making 
a  "terrific  descent"  from  the  kerbstone,  we  were  reduced  to  the 
expedient  of  the  man  with  the  cork  leg,  and  we  "  clung  to  a  lamp-post 
— but  all  in  vain"  to  arrest  our  downward  precipitance.  And  more  than 
twice,  as  we  went  floundering  along,and  finding  no  rest  for  the  sole  of  our 
boot,  we  should  have  cried  out  with  ARCHIMEDES,  A<(s  pot  vov  ora,  but 
that  we  knew  we  should  run  a  risk  in  doing  so  of  being  taken  up  by  a 
policeman  for  using  bad  language.  Even  when,  regardless  of  the 
Income-Tax,  we  sent  out  for  a  cab,  we  found  that  it  was  possible  to 
have  many  a  slip  'twist  our  door  and  the  step :  and  we  rarely  went 
fifty  yards  before  the  wheels  came  to  "  Wo ! " — which,  as  we  found 
generally  the  horse  was  on  his  ribs,  we  considered  to  be  rather  an 
unnecessary  objurgation  to  him. 

Much  as  we  abominate  slippery  behaviour,  we  were  compelled  for  a 


occasion  slipped  away  to  the  left :  and  indeed  such  was  our  back- 
sliding that,  if  only  for  our  moral  reputation's  sake,  we  were  most 
heartily  rejoiced  to  see  the  thaw— which  not  inappropriately  came  on 
Thor'sday. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY  14,  1857. 


DESCEND,  YE   NINE! 

SURGEON  PAM.    "STOP,   LEWIS!  — HE'S   HAD    ENOUGH!" 


FEBRUARY  14,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


67 


SOME    MORE    CHAPTERS     IN    THE    HISTORY    OF 
JOHN  BULL. 

How  NICK  tlie poacher  determined  to  steal  a  Turkey :  and  how  Joiix 
BULL  took  measures  to  circumvent  him. 

AT  last  news  was  brought  to  JOHN  Bun.,  that  NICK  the  poacher, 
notlsatisfied  wilh  wiring  the  runs,  smoking  the  pheasants,  and  netting 
the  partridges  on  the  niauor,  hail  a  design  on  the  poultry-yard,  which 
JOUN  was  at  great  pains  and  cost  to  keep  up,  on  one  of  his  outlying 
farms.  In  this  poultry-yard,  about  this,  time,  was  an  uncommon  fine 
breed  of  Turkeys,  on  which  IflCKhad  set  his  heart.  1'irst  he  tried 
scattering  nasty  stuff  among  the  grain  with  which  the  birds  were  fed, 
and  when  it  disagreed  with  a  Turkey  he  would  swear  the  bird  was 
sick,  and  that  it  would  be  a  mercy  to  wring  its  neck  at  once,  for  thai- 
sure  it  would  never  fatten.  And  then,  thought  he,  I  could  get  the 
carcase— 'twoidd  be  famous  eating.  Luckily  he  had  dropped  a  hint  of 
his  design  to  one  SEKMOKK,  an  old  servant  of  JOHN  BULL'S,  who 
happened  to  fall  in  with  NICK  at  an  alelwuse  where  he  was  drinking 
and  bragging  as  usual,  so  JOHN  was  on  his  guard,  and  told  his  bailiff 
on  the  farm,  one  CA'NXIXG,  an  ill-tempered  dog  as  you  would  find  in  all 
the  country  round,  but  a  sharp  feEow  enough,  to  look  well  after  the 
Turkey-pen. 

The  bailiff  soon  found  out  what  ailed  the  birds,  and  swore  that  they 
would  soon  come  round  if  properly  looked  ftfter— which  was  true  enough. 
So  NICK,  being  foiled  in  this  plan  of  liis?  determined  to  break  open  the 
Turkey-pen  and  steal  the  birds  by  main  force.  I  promise  you  this  went 
sore  against  his  grain;  for  big  as  he  was.  he  was  an  arrant  sneak,  and 
would  rather  scheme  and  lie  and  plot  for  a  year  than  risk  a  bout  at 
fisticuffs,  at  any  time.  So  he  began  to  make  preparations  for  an  attack 
on  the  pen.  JOHN  BULL  heard  NICK  had  been  buying  powder  and 
shot,  and  so  was  determined  to  be  even  with  him.  So  he  sent  round 
his  estate,  and  got  together  a  posse  of  lusty  young  fellows  as  watchers, 
and  had  'cm  armed,  and  put  'em  under  the  orders  of  his  keepers  and 
under-keepcrs.  Before  he  sent  the  lads  off  to  the  farm— which  was  a 
poor,  cold,  hungry  bit  of  moorland,  a  long  way  from  the  mansion-house 
—he  called  the  young  fellows  together,  and  said,  "  Now,  my  lads,  you 
know  what  a  determined  rogue  tlu's  NICK  is.  You'll  have  to  keep 


0  „...  j.,i.v  ^  ,1,  i,j»ui6*,vi  ,,,„,  keepers  to  look  alter  your  com- 
fort ;  you  shall  have  plenty  of  the  best  to  eat  and  drink,  and  loads  of 
warm  great-coats  and  blankets  ;  you  know  I  like  my  servants  to  live 
well,  and  he  warm"  (which  was  quite  true)— and,  with  that,  he  gave 
them  a  guinea  to  drink  his  health,  and  off  they  started  for  the  farm, 
infamous  lieait,  with  three  cheers  for  ME.  BULL,  that  would  have 
done  any  man  good  to  hear. 

How  JOHN  BULL'S  keepers  ner/lected  their  duty,  and  how  the  watchers 

suffered. 

Well,  when  the  lads  got  to  the  farm,  they  found  that  NICK  was  in 
the  neighbourhood  sure  enough,  with  two  of  his  sons,  thorough  young 
rascals  as  ever  stretched  a  halter,  and  a  band  of  all  the  rogues  of  his 
own  kith  and  kin  and  kidney  that  he  could  scrape  together.  He  had 
armed  them  out  of  the  store  of  old  guns,  pistols,  and  blunderbusses, 
which  the  old  rascal  always  kept  by  him  for  his  poaching  jobs,  and 
they  made  no  secret  that  they  meant  to  fight  it  out  \vrth  JOHN'S 


•  ""•V      4  uguw     i\j    vjllli      *V  ILU     J  UJliS   J> 

watchers.     So  the  keepers  posted  their  lads  all  about  the  farm,  some 
e  cold,   bleak  moor,  where  I  promise  you  'twas  cold  and 


C     v,wavi,      i  >i>  .  i  '\      nnj^fi  j       i>  utiit-     J.    ^li^HLiau      \  tJU.        L\V£liJ     (JUKI     C111C1 

cheerless  enough,  and  others  nearer  the  Turkey-pen,  and  round  the 
house.  Of  course  they  kept  the  best  quarters  'for  themselves.  The 
beet,  and  bacon,  and  bread,  and  beer,  and  coffee,  and  tea,  and  sugar, 
and  the  warm  great-coats  and  blankets  that  JOHN  BULL  had  sent  up 
lor  the  use  of  the  watchers,  they  shot  down  all  higgledy-piggledy  in  an 
out-house,  a  few  hundred  yards  from  the  home-stead,  and  locked  the 
ioor,  and  gave,  the  key  loan  old  fiddler,  that  was  past  watching  or 
ighting,  and  trusted  him  witli  the  business  of  carrying  up  the  victuals 
and  clothes  Ito  the  young  fellows  as  they  might  want 'em  ;  only  they 
forgot  to  give  him  servants  and  carts  and  horses  for  the  job,  thougli 
the  poor  old  faUow.begged  hard,  and  swore  he  couldn't  do  the  work 
without  th 

All  went  on  well  enough  while  the  summer  lasted,  though  the  Iving 
out  m  the  damp  nights  gave  some  of  the  lads  sore  colds,  and'quinsies 
and  bowel-eomplamts.  However,  they  never  complained,  but  stuck  to 
their  watching  like  men. 

But  at  last  the  cold  weather  carae— and  a  terrible  winter  it  was  • 
snow  and  sleet  over  head,  and  mud  and  slush  under  foot,  and  the  poor 
fellows  that  lay  out  p'  nights  suffered  terribly,  as  you  may  believe. 
Iheir  clothes  grew  tluii  and  ragged;  their  shoes  burst,  till  the  poor 
toes  peeped  out  all  swelled  and  frost-bitten.  It  wouldn't  have  been  so 
bad  it  there  had  been  more  of  them  to  take  spell  and  spell  about  of 
watching  at  night :  but  they  were  so  few,  and  NICK'S  rogues  so  many 

it  it  was  as  much  as  they  could  do  to  keep  the  farm,  lying  out 
.wo  nights  in  three,  and  never  getting  so  much  as  a  meal  of  warm 


victuals,  or  a  good  blanket  to  wrap  about  them,  or  a  new  pair  of  boots, 
or  a  great  coat,  though  they  were  all  in  rags  and  dying  of  cold.  The 
poor  old  tiddler  did  his  best  to  carry  'em  great  coats,  and  blankets,  and 
victuals.  But  he  was  kept  so  short-handed,  he  couldn't  supply  such 
things  as  fast  as  they  were  wanted.  In  fact  he  was  at  his  wits'  end, 
and  it  was  all  in  vain  he  begged  and  prayed,  and  stormed  and  swore 
tor  horses  and  hands  and  carts,  and  so  forth.  The  keepers  lived  in  the 
farm-house,  worm  and  snug,  and  jeered,  and  cursed  him  for  a  lazy, 
muddle-headed  old  fool,  and  said  it  was  his  business,  and  not  theirs,  to 
feed  the  rascals.  The  head-keeper  was  a  good  kind  of  man  enough, 
but  he  was  old  and  easy-tempered,  and  the  young  fellows  about  him 
were  most  of  'cm  nephews  and  grandchildren  of  liis  own,  and  as  was 
onlv  imtnial,  lie  took  their  word  for  everything,  and,  indeed,  had  his 
will  been  ever  so  good,  he  was  rheumatic  and  stiff  in  the  joints,  and  so 
couldn't  go  about  among  the  watchers  as  a  younger  man  might  have 
done. 

And  when  the  watchers  complained,  he  took  out  the  lists  of  the 
things  JOHN  BULL  had  sent  up,  and  swore  there  must  be  plenty  for 
everybody ;  and  fell  into  the  way  of  cursing  the  old  fiddler  for  a  fool 
and  a  nincompoop,  like  the  rest  of  the  younger  men  about  him.  The 
longer  winter  went  on,  the  worse  tilings  grew.  The  out-house,  where 
the  victuals  and  clothes  had  been  shot  out,  just  as  the  carts  brought 
'em,  was  in  an  awful  state  of  confusion.  The  old  fiddler  couldn't  put 
his  hand  on  anything  when  he  wanted  it.  The  beer  all  turned  sour 
before  a  pint  of  it  found  its  way  to  the  watchers :  and,— as  for  warm 

it  was 
D  mills 

could  have  made  it. 

Meanwhile,  NICK'S  rogues  wore  doing  their  best  to  steal'  a  march 
upon  JOHN  BULL'S  watchers.  Many  a  time  the  two  came  to  blows, 
and  when  this  happened  JOHN  BULL'S  lads 'always  gave  a  good 
account  of  NICK'S  bullies,  and  sent  "em  away  with  [sore  heads  and 
aching  bones.  But  the  poor  fellows  couldn't  fight  against  empty 
bellies  and  bare  backs,  as  well  as  against  NICK  and  his  poachers.  So 
many  of  'em,  at  last,  in  sheer  despair,  laid  down  at  their  posts,  and 
1  airly  gave  up  the  ghost,  till  there  was  but  a  handfull  of  'em  left  to 
face  NICK  and  his  blackguards. 

(To  be  continued.) 


ABOVE  A  JOKE. 

A  NIGHT  or  two  since,  the  EARL  OF  CARDIGAN  reminded  the  House 
of  Lords  that,  once,  upon  a  time,  for  fighting  a  duel — 

"  He  had  the  misfortune  to  be  placed  at  their  lordships'  bar,  and  tried  as  a  felen, 
with  the  imminent  danger  of  losing  not  only  his  property,  but  even  his  personal 
liberty. 

Everybody  who  remembers  the  manner  by  which  the  noble  Earl 
obtained  an  acquittal ;  or  rather,  by  which  the  case  was  made  to  break 
down ;  must  own,  that  when  his  Lordship  complains  of  that  event,  he 
proves  himself  to  be  wholly  insensible  to  a  joke.  There  never  was  a 
more  complete  farce  played  at  the  Adelphi,  than  the  farce  of  the 
CARDIGAN  trial  m  the  House  of  Lords. 


DEMURRER  TO  MURROUGH. 

A  CONTEMPORARY,  desirous  to  be  very  eulogistic  of  MR.  MURROUGH, 
Member  lor  Bridport,  enumerates  that  gentleman's  achievements 
during  the  past  Session,  and  gracefully  arrives  at  the  foEowiug 
climax  : — 

'Such  a  man  must  have  withstood  temptation  when  the  Minister  was  buying  up 

There  are  a  good  many  people  in  this  world  who  prefer  long  words 
to  short  ones,  even  when  not  quite  clear  about  the  exact  meaning  of 
the  former.  Our  charitable  view  of  the  above  sentence  is,  that  the 
writer  is  of  the  number.  Nevertheless  he  has  innocently  managed  to 
come  near  the  truth. 


[ADVERTISEMENT.  ] 

BEG  TO  GIVE  NOTICE  that  there  is  no  truth  whatever  in  the 
report  that  I  am  about  to  bestow  my  hand,  fortune,  and  every  stick  I  have  on 
VENUS,  or  VKSTA,  or  any  other  Stai,  celestial,  theatrical,  or  otherwise.  As  such  a 
report,  il  allowed  to  remain  imeontradicted,  might  do  incalculable  injury  to  my 
future  prospects  by  circulating  the  erroneous  notion  that  I  was  no  longer  an  avail- 
able match  (which  would  be  a  terrible  blow  indeed  to  my  lantern  !),  it  is  to  be  hoped 
that  this  contradiction  will  be  received  by  the  public  with  all  the  flatness  that  the 
subject  demands.  The  object  of  this  Advertisement,  therefore,  is  to  state,  that  I 
am  still  open  to  competition,  and  to  let  the  ladies  know  that  my  quarterings,  which 
re  some  of  the  oldest  in  the  world,  and  the  large  amount  of  silver  that  I  have 
always  at  my  disposal,  are  such  as  would  reflect  credit  of  no  small  brilliancy  on  any 
house  that  is  liberally  open  to  an  offer,  from  one  who  stands  so  remarkably  high  in 
the  world  as  myself. 

(Signed)  THI  MAM  IN  THB  Moos. 

(TnNubittu.) 


68 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  14,  1857. 


THE    ANTI-GAROTTE    ASSURANCE    COMPANY. 

(TEMPORARY  OFFICE,  85,  FLEET  STREET.) 


PROSPECTUS. 

1TH  a  view  of  meeting  one  of 
the  chief  exigences  of  the 
time,  the  Directors  of  this 
Company  feel  pleasure  in 
submitting  their  prospectus 
to  the  notice  of  the  nervous 
public.  It  having  become  pro- 
verbial that  the  Police  are 
only  to  be  found  when  they 
are  not  wanted,  and  there 
being  no  authentic  case  on 
record  of  their  having  ever 
yet  come  up  in  time  to  pre- 
vent a  garotte  robbery,  the 
Directors  have  decided  that 
whilst  the  "force"  has  aweak- 
uess  for  C9oks  and  sausage 
suppers,  it  is  imperative  that 
other  means  should  be  adopt- 
ed for  insuring  the  protection 
of  the  public.  The  Company 
have  therefore  set  oil  foot  a 
body  of  their  own,  having  no 
connection  with  the  members 
3  of  the  MAYNE  force,  and  com- 
"  posed  of  men  of  such  surpas- 
sing ugliness,  that  there  is 
little  danger  of  their  whiskers 
finding  favour  in  the  eyes  at  kitchen  windows,  and  of  their  area- 
sneaking  from  their  duties  like  their  leg-of-mutton-loving  brethren. 

These  protectives  will  be  nightly  in  attendance  at  the  Stations  of 
the  Company,  and  will  hold  themselves  in  readiness  at  half-a-minute's 
notice  to  obey  the  summons  of  any  one  insured  in  it,  and  escort  him  in 
safety  through  the  dangers  of  the  district.  It  will  also  be  feasible,  on 
the  payment  of  a  slight  addition  to  the  premium,  to  secure  the  guard 
of  a  protective  officer  every  evening  of  the  week  at  a  fixed  time  and 
place  •  so  that  business  men  of  punctual  habits,  who  may  be  residing 
at  a  distance  from  their  omnibus,  may  regularly  ensure  themselves  a 
safe  walk  home  from  it.  In  the  same  manner  too  a  special  escort  may 
be  ordered  in  those  suburban  wastes  where  cabs  are  unprocurable,  and 
where  visiting  is  now  very  nearly  put  a  stop  to,  on  account  of  the 
dangers  of  the  getting  home.  There  will,  however,  in  this  case  be  a 
proviso  in  the  policy  for  the  payment  of  a  stated  personal  gratuity, 
whenever  the  protectives  are  detained  after  midnight ;  and  when  sum- 
moned to  a  dinner-party,  their  fees  will  be  proportioned  to  the  corks 
which  have  been  drawn,  and  the  consequent  cork-screwiness  which  any 
gentleman  may  manifest  in  his  homeward  ambulation. 

While  specifying  some  of  the  corporeal  advantages  wliich  will  be 
secured  to  those  insuring  in  the  Company,  the  Directors  scarcely  need 
call  notice  to  its  mental  benefits,  nor  point  out  how  immensely  they 
expect  it  will  conduce  to  the  peace  of  mind,  not  of  the  insured  alone, 
but  of  their  wives  and  families.  By  paying  a  small  yearly  premium 
(the  rate  to  be  proportioned  in  some  measure  to  the  strength  and 
stature  of  the  person  who  desires  to  be  protected)  every  affectionate 
husband  and  father  will  henceforth  have  the  means  of  effectually 
allaying  that  conjugal  anxiety  which  has  of  late  infected  the  suburban 
districts.  The  approach  of  dinner-time  need  now  no  longer  rouse  such 
terrors  in  the  wifely  heart,  lest,  in  coming  down  that  single-lamp-lit 
road,  to  which  after  nightfall  no  policeman  ever  penetrates,  her 
TOMKINS  should  have  found  himself  embraced  by  some  other  arms  than 
those  of  MRS.  T. 

"Impenitence  and  Sin." 

CLERGYMEN — if  we  are  to  judge  from  the  doings  in  Convocation — 
are  promised  with  a  discretionary  power  to  enable  them  to  abstain  from 
reading  the  burial-service  over  persons  who  "  may  have  died  in  impe- 
nitence and  sin."  Will  this  strengthen  the  pillars  of  the  Established 
Church  ?  If  clergymen  of  the  Church  are  to  be  thus  made  the  censors 
of  the  dead,  we  think  one  point  is  clear  as  the  result — it  will  con- 
siderably add  to  the  number  of  the  dissenting  living. 


NON-ACCEPTANCE   OF   THE   HUNDREDS. 

MANY  of  the  guileless  constituents  of  Glasgow  have  expressed  their 
surprise  that  their  member,  MR.  JOHN  MACGREGOR,  seems  obstinately 
determined  not  to  accept  the  Chiltern  Hundreds.  Why  not  try  the 
Ex-Director  with  Thousands  ? 


BEDLAM  AND  DOWNING  STREET. 

THE  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  has  been  uncommonly 
amusing  in  some  of  his  late  acknowledgments  of  the  receipt  of 
"  conscience  money."  That  phrase  is,  however,  hardly  applicable  to 
the  sum  specified  in  the  announcement  subjoined  : — • 

"  The  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  acknowledges  the  receipt  of  £70  in  Bank 
of  England  Notes,  from  persons  who,  having  a  doubt  to  whom  it  belongs,  have 
decided  on  paying  it  into  the  public  Exchequer." 

This  is  not  restitution ;  it  is  donation :  it  is  more  than  justice  ;  it  is 
generosity.  Most  people  having  any  reasonable  doubt  as  to  whether  a 
sum  of  money  belonged  to  anybody  in  particular,  would  give  them- 
selves the  benefit  of  the  doubt,  and  divide  the  amount.  Some  might, 
perhaps,  put  it  into  a  poor-box ;  but  it  is  difficult  to  conceive  what  can 
induce  anybody  to  make  a  present  of  it  to  the  Exchequer.  Such  a 
disposal  of  money  is  not  even  rewarded  by  that  pleasure  which  is  said 
ever  to  attend,  and  sometimes  does  attend,  the  performance  of  a  bene- 
volent action.  It  does  not  promote  the  happiness  of  one  human  being : 
whereas  seventy  pounds  might  be  so  bestowed  as  to  render  many  wives 
and  children  happy.  Those  who  are  possessed  of  any  money,  and, 
having  a  doubt  to  whom  it  belongs,  determine  on  paying  it  into  some 
office,  will  find  one  in  Meet  Street  much  more  eligible  than  any  in 
Downing  Street.  That  office  is  No.  85. 

Another  of  the  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER'S  comicalities  may 
perhaps  be  said  to  be  a  real  case  of  conscience-money;  but  the 
conscience,  in  that  case,  is  so  preternaturally  tender,  that  it  must  be 
supposed  to  be  in  a  state  analogous  to  inflammation.  In  citing  it,  we 
suppose  we  exemplify  the  height  of  scrupulosity  :— 

"The  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  acknowledges  the  receipt  of  the  remaining 
half  of  a  Bank  of  England  note  (69,292),  value  £100,  from  'One  who  in  his  younger 
days  has  frequently  shot  without  a  licence.'  " 

The  force  of  conscience  can  no  further  go  than  this,  surely.  Remorse 
for  having  evaded  the  Game  Laws  is  even  a  finer  feeling  than  penitence 
for  having  eluded  the  Income-Tax.  The  very  possibility  of  it  will  be 
inconceivable  to  the  majority  of  our  rural  readers;  and  there  are 
certain  districts  wherein  anybody  who  might  manifest  such  eccen- 
tricity would  be  in  danger  of  being  sent  to  an  asylum.  Such  a  person 
would  not  be  allowed  to  go  about  m  the  New  Forest.  We  expect  the 
CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  will  next  acknowledge  the  receipt 
of  a  hundred  pounds  from  a  gentleman  who  in  his  youth  attended 
several  masqued  balls  in  the  costume  of  the  last  century,  and  omitted  to 
pay  the  Powder-Tax. 


The  Tomb  of  all  the  Capulets. 

A  TOMBSTONE  is  being  prepared  for  this  extensive  cemetery,  to  be 
put  over  the  remains  of  the  "  War  Ninepence,"  as  soon  as  that  portion 
of  the  Income-Tax  is  decently  buried.  The  inscription  will  be 
extremely  simple.  As  it  is  thought  that  it  is  only  fair  that  a  War 
tax  should  be  brought  to  a  rest  during  Peace,  the  memorial  will 
merely  say : — 

Seijuitstat  (n  flare. 


FEBRUARY  14,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


69 


MARY    ANN'S    NOTIONS. 

Y  DKAII  MR.  PUNCH, 

•"  DROP  politics, 
indeed !  And  who, 
if  your  lordship ' 
will  be  graciously 
pleased  to  tell  me, 
is  to  take  them  up 
if  I  do  drop  i  lion  ? 
Not  the  honourable 
members  of  Parlia- 
ment who  have  been 
meeting  I  his  week 
and  talking  about 
everything  thai  was 
of  no  consequence 
at  all,  and  paying 
uo  attention  in  the 
world  to  the  very 
things  which  we 
look  to  their  high 
mightinesses  to 
mind.  I  declare 
that  I  lost  all 
patience  wading 

through  columns  upon  columns  of  debates,  and  iu  the  whole  week  uot 
one  single  law  made  for  doing  any  good.2 

"  Here  are  hundreds  of  thousands  of  people  out  of  employment 3  and 
crying  about  the  streets  for  food  (you  need  not  say  that  it  is  not  so, 
because  it  is,  and  I  myself  saw  three  frozen-out  gardeners  in  our  own 
street  yesterday,  and  made  Mamma  send  them  out  a  shilling4),  and  one 
would  think  that  the  very  first  thins-  for  Parliament  to  do,  would  be 
the  finding  out  some  way  to  relieve  these  poor  creatures.  You  may 
look  through  the  newspapers  yourself,  and  if  you  ean  find  one  single 
word  upon  the  matter,  yes,  so  much  as  a  single  question  asked  even 
by  the  members  for  the  different  parts  of  London  (and  a  pretty  set  they 
are,  with.the  exception  of  two  or  three,  and  utterly  disgraceful  it  is  to 
a  Metropolis  pretending  to  be  iutelligerft  to  elect  such  ninnies5)  I  say 
if  you  find  a  word  about  these  starving  creatures  you  may  print  it  in 
large  capital  letters  and  call  me  a  story-teller.6  Not  the  slightest 
attention  in  the  world  is  paid  to  this  dreadful  state  of  things,  and,  on 
the  contrary,  all  sorts  of  nonsense  is  talked  about  the  happiness  of  the 
country — downright  wicked  falsehoods.  I  do  declare  that  if  I  was  the 
QUEEN  OF  ENGLAND,  and  the  Ministers  came  to  me  to  ask  me  to  make 
such  'a  speech  as  that  made  on  Tuesday,  and  I  am  heartily  glad  that 
the  QUEEN  had  too  much  spirit  to  speak  any  such  rubbish,  and  gave  it 
to  a  ridiculous  old  man  in  a  wig  to  read,7 1  would  throw  it  into  the 
fire,  and  send  them  all  to  the  Tower.  Just  fancy.  The  QUEEN  would 
have  had  to  say  that  she  '  witnessed  the  general  well-being  and  con- 
tentment of  her  people,'  just  at  the  very  time  in  the  afternoon  when 
every  one  of  the  Magistrates  had  got  his  court  crammed  with  starving 
persons,  and  the  wretches  at  the  workhouses  were  barring  their 
doors  against  them,  and  refusing  to  give  them  anything  to  eat.  Nice 
well-being  and  nice  contentment,  and  this  hypocrisy  is  what  men  call 
moderation  and  good  sense,  and  I  dare  say  that  if  I  was  to  show  you 
that  on  that  very  Tuesday  ten  children  were  starved  in  Middlesex — 
poor  little  dears ! — you  would  bring  a  heap  of  abominable  figures  to 
show  that  no  children  were  being  starved  in  Kent  and  Surrey  (though 
I  dare  say  that  would  be  false),  and  therefore  the  average  of  food  was 
highly  satisfactory.8  If  there  is  one  word  in  the  world  I  hate  more 
than  another,  it  is  average,  because  it  always  means  an  excuse  for  cold- 
hearteduess  and  refusing  to  do  anything  kind  and  Christian.  I  wonder 
whether  Members  of  Parliament  and  priggish-looking  Government 
clerks9  would  like  to  g-o  without  their  dinner  any  day,  and  be  satisfied 
to  be  told  that  the  average  of  members  and  clerks  were  dining,  and 
therefore  they  need  not  complain.  I  think  I  see  their  faces,  greedy 
pigs. 

And  then,  if  you  please,  what  is  it  that  the  Parliament  has  been 
talking  about  ?  Why,  things  that  concern  us  no  more  than  the  man 
iu  the  moon.  There  has  been  a  treaty  with  Siam.  That  is  a  won- 
derful tiling  certainly.  I  dare  say  that  I  know  more  about  Siam  than 
anybody  who  heard  the  QUEEN'S  Speech,  because  I  never  did  know 
anything  like  the  ignorance  of  men  about  geography,  and  that  LOBD 
CLARENDON  and  all  of  them  made  but  one  mistake  in  settling  the 
treaty  is  marvellous  to  me,  and  I  only  wonder  they  did  not  draw  the 
boundary  line  through  Jerusalem.10  They  had  much  better  have  asked 
LA.DY  CLARENDON  or  MADAME  WALEWSKI  where  Bolgrad  was,  and 
then  they  would  not  have  been  deceived  by  the  Russians.  But  as  for 
Siam,  which  extends  from  -V  to  *>2°  N.  lat.,  98°  to  105°  20'  E.  long., 
and  is  bounded  on  the  N.  by— but  never  mind,  you  see  I  know— what, 
m  the  name  of  gracious,  are  we  to  get  by  a  treaty  with  those 
Mongolians?  Why,  all  then-  language  is  made  of  little  words,  all  of 
one  syllable,  except  what  they  borrow  from  the  Chinese,  and  it  is  per- 
fectly ridiculous  to  think  of  a  treaty  with  them.  It  is  like  writing  to  a 


child.  I  suppose  it  says,  'We — do — mean— to— be— good— friends — 
with — you — if— you — will — be — good — friends — with — us — we  — hope 
— you— are — quite — well — bless — you — good— bye.'  Men  ought  to  be 
ashamed  of  themselves.11  And  then  Persia  and  China.  What  does  it 
signify  what  has  been  done  out  there,  especially  when  you  cannot 
hear  under  a  month,  and  more  things  are  going  on  while  you  are  talking 
which .may  make  all  that  you  have  said  quite  beside  the  question? 
That  is  practical,  I  suppose,  men  are  always  so  practical.  As  for  the 
Peace  business,  I  should  have  thought  that  those  who  had  anything 
to  do  with  it  would  be  ashamed  to  mention  such  cobbling,  but 
even  my  dear  LORD  PALMERSTON  could  only  turn  it  into  fun,  and 
it  was  very  kind  of  him  to  put  such  a  good  lace  upon  it  and  defend 
the  ridiculous  stupids,  and  I  do  not  believe  one  single  word  of  what 
MR.  DISRAELI  said  against  him,  and  if  there  is  such  a  treaty  dear 
LiiKi)  FALMKRSTU.V  was  never  allowed  to  see  it,  I  am  sure.13  As  for 
i  he  Income-Tax  I  cannot  quite  make' out  what  anybody  meant,  and 
it  seems  such  foolish  Jesuitry,  when,  as  Papa  says,  the  Ministers 
know  perfectly  well  what  they  mean  to  dp,  they  do  not  say  it  out  at 
once,  and  save  all  that  solemn  confabulation.  But  men  are  so  proud 
to  make  speeches,  that  they  wpidd  be  disgusted  at  having  the  oppor- 
tunity taken  away.  For  the  life  of  me,  my  dear  Mr.  Punch,  I  cannot 
see  the  leust  good  in  the  world  that  the  first  week  of  Parliament  has 
done,  not  a  single  law  has  been  made,  nor  a  single  word  said  for  the 
poor  people,  and  it'  the  members  cannot  do  better  than  that,  the  tiling 
lor  1  linn  to  do  is,  as  AUGUSTUS  says — to  '  shut  up.' 

"  Ever  affectionately, 
"Saturday?'  "MARY  ANN." 

1  We  are  not  a  Lord. 

2  If  you  must  write  on  such  subjects,  you  had  better  lay  out  four  and  sixpence 
on  MR.   DOD'S  Parliamentary  Companion,  and  if  you  read  that  excellent  little  book, 
and  understand  it,  you  will  not  write  such  nonsense.    A  law,  as  you  call  it,  must 
be  read  three  times,  and  be  considered  in  Committee,  in  each  House  of  Parliament. 

3  Nothing  like  that  number,  which  is  a  ridiculous  exaggeration,  but  enough,  we 
agree  with  you.  to  make  the  subject  one  for  grave  and  immediate  consideration. 
You  are  right,  little  girl. 

4  Charity  at  Mamma's  expense. 

5  Without  adopting  impertinent  phrases,  we  again  agree  with  you.    Tho  batch 
is  not  brilliant. 

fi  We  don't  seo  the  use  of  either  operation. 

'  This  is  really  not  the  way  to  speak  of  the  Lord  High  Chancellor  of  England. 

8  Not  unamusing,  but  quite  unjust. 

9  Evidently  a  personality — you  are  thinking  of  some  friend  of  your  Papa's. 

10  Go  to  Jericho,  Miss  FLIPPANT. 

11  For  printing  such  ridicule  of  a  desirable  negociation. 

12  This  reckless  partisanship  is  most  objectionable.    LORD  PALMERSTON  is  a  friend 
of  our  own,  but  we  cannot  have  him  puffed  in  this  manner.     He  might  think  it  was 
intended  to  remind  him  that  he  has  never  yet  given  us  anything,  a  fact  we  would 
not  for  the  world  bring  to  his  notice. 


TWO  ARTISTS  ROLLED  INTO  ONE. 

IN  the  Directory,  you  will  find  the  address  of  a  gentleman  in  the 
Minories,  who  writes  up  over  his  door  "  Hairdresser  and  Photographic 
Artist." 

This  strikes  us  as  a  curious  combination  of  businesses.  Are  the 
two  operations  carried  on  at  the  same  time  ?  Does  a  gentleman  sit 
down  in  the  tonsorial  chair  to  have  his  stubble  removed  and  his 
physiognomy  struck  off  by  the  same  coup-de-main  f  Does  the  self- 
satisfied  Figaro,  as  he  wipes  his  customer's  chin,  exclaim,  in  a  high 
tone  of  tradesman-like  exultation :  "  There  you  are,  Sir,  clean  shaved— 
and  your  portrait  taken  to  a  hair,  Sir — all  in  less  than  two  minutes ! " 
In  our  opinion,  a  likeness  with  the  upper  part  of  the  face  darkened 
with  a  heavy  mass  of  hair  falling  straight  over  it,  which  the  handy 
coiffeur  was  busy  cutting,  would  present  a  difficulty  of  recognition 
even  by  one's  own  son  and  heir ;  and,  supposing  the  lower  half  of  the 
face  were  whitened  with  a  thick  layer  of  soapsuds,  whilst  the  barber 
was  shaving  you,  we  do  not  see  that  that  fact  even  would  warrant  the 
likeness  being  considered  a  sha,ve-d'mivre.  However,  the  rare  power 
of  an  artist,  who  takes  off  your  head  one  minute  and  cuts  your  hair  the 
next,  is  certainly  deserving  of  record  in  our  historical  columns,  and  we 
do  not  know  of  any  photographic  genius  who  would  be  able  to  coiffer 
a  person  equally  in  both  lines  of  business,  unless  it.is  BEARD. 


A  Bull  and  Bear  Tax. 

THE  Daily  News  states  that  on  the  first  of  January  a  tax  of  one 
franc  was  levied  by  the  French  Government  on  every  person  who 
entered  the  Bourse.  This  step  was  taken  for  the  discouragement  of 
speculative  gambling,  a  very  laudable  object,  which  we  hope  the  tax 
has  so  far  effected,  that,  by  making  the  payment  of  one  franc  the  con- 
dition of  admission  to  the  Bourse,  it  has  prevented  a  great  many  people 
from  being  let  in  for  more. 

A  CASE  FOR  THE  ATTORNEY-GENERAL. — We  are  always  being  told 
that  "  Property  has  its  rights  ; "  but,  surely,  in  the  matter  of  gloves 
and  boots,  Property  has  its  Lefts  as  well  as  its  Eights. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


14,  1857. 


THE  DIVINITY  OF  COTTON. 

THE  New  Orleans  Delta  has  an  article  on  "The  Future 
of  Cotton,"  in  which  it  not  only  personilics  that  substance, 
but  idolises  it.  The  high  ground  wliich  our  American  con- 
temporary takes  for  cotton  is  indicated  by  the  passages 
italicised  (by  us)  in  the  extract  following  :— 

"  Defended  on  botli  flanks,  fortified  at  every  point  of  attack,  the 
institution  of  slavery  diffused  as  a  vital  element  over  all  her  territory, 
she  will  be  politically  invincible  ;  she  may  sit  wider  her  own  Jig-tree, 
with  none  to  make  her  afraid;  and  the  production  of  cotton  keeping 
pace  with  the  demand,  the  sceptre  will  not  pass  from  thr.  cotton  king  while 
there  is  a  Southern  soil  to  be  tilled,  labour  to  till  it,  and  intelligence  to 
direct  the  labour." 

The  prophetic  quotation  applied  to  the  "  cotton  king  " 
evidently  shows  in  what  light  the  writer  regards  cotton. 
His  other  examples  of  "iteration"  refer  to  the  "South," 
which  with  him  is  clearly  what  the  East  is  to  some  other 
people.  The  South  is  the  Holy  Land  for  this  gentleman. 
His  cultivation  of  cotton  is  a  positive  culte.  He  only 
wants  a  church  in  which  to  worship  cotton  with  divine 
honours.  The  church  would,  of  course,  have  to  be  fur- 
nished with  an  altar  \yhereon  to  offer  sacrifice  to  his  vege- 
table deity.  The  victims  to  be  immolated  on  the  altar 
would  be  those  of  slavery,  an  institution  which  lie  not  only 
proposes  to  maintain,  but  to  perpetuate  by  a  revival  of  the 
slave  trade.  The  future  of  cotton,  perhaps,  is,  in  the 
opinion  of  the  adorer  of  that  deity,  the  only  future.  He 
therefore  praises  cotton  with  psalms  and  texts  of  scripture. 
An  advocate  of  the  slave  trade  may  well  tliink  that  besides 
the  future  of  cotton  there  is  no  hereafter. 


THE  ART 


POLITE   CONVERSATION. 


Old  Sloppy  t    Wlio  ar'  you  calling  Old  Sloppy,  you  litlle  Half  Ounce  of  Suet ! ' 


"  Loud  Laughter." 

MR.  SPOONER  (say  the  Parliamentary  reports)  gave  notice 
that  he  would  move  for  a  Committee  to  inquire  into  the 
College  at,  _\laynooth.  (Loud  Laughter;  in  which,  it  may 
be  added,  internally  MR.  SPOOXER  himself  joined.  A  bye- 
slander  also  informs  us  that  he  observed  at  the  time  a  very 
broad  grin  in  each  of  MR.  SPOONER'S  sleeves.) 

THE  SECRET  SERVICE.— Do  a  man  a  great  service,  and 
you  may  make  yourself  perfectly  easy  that  lie  will  never 
speak  a  word  about  it. 


A. TEW  MANDARINS  WANTED. 

THE  Chinaman  has  gone  down  somewhat  in  the  estimation  of  the 
thought  fid  Briton  since  GOLDSMITH  wrote  the  Citizen  of  the  World. 
Then,  and  before  then,  the  Chinese  were  the  most  virtuous  and  the 
most  wonderful  of  people,  because  they  were  utterly  unknown.  They 
were  painted  under  most  extravagant  forms  and  in  the  brighiest 
colours,  even  as  they  paint  their  own  china ;  but  even  as  china 
becomes  Hawed  and  breaks,  even  so  has  JOHN  CHINAMAN  gone,  in  our 
opinion,  smash.  The  philanthropist  lias  been  found  to  be  as  cruel  as 
a  eat  ;  the  sage  has  the  guile,  the  petty  larceny  of  a  magpie;  the  man 
iif  meekness  the  obstinacy  of  a  hog.  Even  as  we  have  sweetened 
Chinese  tea,  so  have  \ve.  of  our  own  liberality,  sweetened  Chinese 
character.  Let  us  set  aside  the  saccharine,  and  judge  the  pekoe  in  its 
native  bitterness.  ' 

Well,  we  propose  as  speedily  as  it  may  be,  to  end  the  Chinese  war. 
It  is  poor  work  to  shiver  tea-pots  with  Woolwich  shells.  Let  us,  then, 
as  a  means  of  pull  in;:  an  end  to  the  st rife,  seize  some  dozen  Mandarins 
or  so— we  must  have  YEH  by  all  means — and  straightway  ship  them  to 
England.  Arrived  here,  let  them  he  immediately  placed  under  the 
direction  of  proper  guides  and  philosophers;  so  that  they  may  not 
only  learn  our  astounding  resources  as  a  fighting  nation,  but  that 
they  may  also  become  subdued  bv  a  profound  consciousness  of  our 
superior  morals  and  of  our  excelling  virtue.  Thus  disciplined,  they 
may  return  to  China,  theic  to  spread  abroad  a  full  report  of  our  might 
and  goodness  as  a  people  ;  qualities  that,  even  backed  as  they  are  by 
the  testimony  of  shells  and  rockets,  they  arc  strangely  slow  to 
acknowledge. 

For  instance,  we  would  desire  that  LORDS  CARDIGAN  and  LUCAN 
should,  by  means  of  interpreters,  relate  to  them  the  most  startling 
jia-xiuvs  of  the  Crimean  campaign  ;  by  which  the  gallant  ollieers  would, 
doubtless,  deeply  impress  the  Chinese  mind  with  our  admiration  of  the 
self-devotion  of  the  British  soldier  when,  by  the  grace  of  fortune,  he 
happens  to  be  a  nobleman. 

A  visit  to  the  public  offices,  with  an  explanation  of  the  uses  of -such 
establishments  by  MR.  ROEBUCK,  would,  no  doubt,  touch  the  celestial 
minds  with  great  respect  for  the  English  as  a  practical  people.  A 
piece  of  red  tape,  judiciously  presented  to  each  of  the  visitors,  might 


serve  to  impress  the  visit  and  its  moral  consequences  on  their  memory, 
to  serve  for  the  future. 

We  would  advise  that  a  Ticket-of-Leave  meeting  should  be  got  up  by 
LORD  CARNARVON,  in  order  that  the  Mandarins  might  behold  the 
effects  of  the  benevolent  English  law:  LORD  CARNARVON  pointing  out 
with  his  usual  clearness,  the  brighter  instances  of  the  beneficence  of 
the  institution. 

Finally,  the  Mandarins  should  be  taken  to  the  Surrey  Gardens  to 
hear  MR.  SPUHGEON  on  the  Christian  charities.  If  this  did  not  melt 
them,  let  them  be  straightway  sliipped  to  Canton  as  incorrigible. 


EXTRAORDINARY  FLIGHT  OF  GEESE. 

DURING  the  frost  there  have  as  usual  been  great  numbers  of  geese 
seen  flying  about  the  ice  in  the  various  parks,  and  their  boldness  in 
doing  so,  in  the  face  of  the  dangers  to  which  they  were  exposed,  may 
well l)e  called  extraordinary.  However  thin  it  may  be  frozen,  the  Ser- 
pentine is  sure  to  act  as  a  decoy  to  these  green  geese,  who  in  their 
regardlessness  of  self-preservation,  show  an  instinct  not  superior  to 
those  still  greener  birds,  the  boobies  and  the  noddies.  In  proof  of  our 
assertion — should  any  one  be  weak  enough  to  doubt  awora  m  Punch — 
from  the  Times  of  Monday  week  we  quote  the  following : — • 

"  Large  printed  bills  were  stuck  up  in  the  various  parks  yesterday,  announcing 
that  the  ice  was  in  a  very  dangerous  state,  but  many  thousand  persons  would  insist 
upon  venturing  upon  it,  and  a  great  many  accidents  took  place." 

lu  Hyde  Park,  we  arc  told,  these  geese  got  ducked  a  dozen  at  a  time 
and  not  being  divers,  it  was  not  without  some  difficulty  that  they 
could  be  restored  to  what  it  were  a  compliment  to  call  their  senses. 

For  occasions  such  as  this,  we  think  that  the  Humane  Society  would 
be  doing  not  unwisely  to  enlist  into  their  service  a  few  of  the  assist- 
ants from  the  Idiots'  Asylum,  whose  experience  would  tit  them  for  the 
ca-.cs  they  would  have  to  deal  with.  It  is  obviously  needed  that,  so 
long  as  fools  rush  in  where  icemen  fear  to  tread,  there  should  be  more 
stringent  measures  taken  to  ensure  their  effectual  restraint ;  and  we 
would  therefore  suggest  that  to  restore  them  to  their  senses,  the 
apparatus  now  in  use  at  the  tents  of  the  Society  should  in  future  be 
inclusive  of  a  number  of  strait -waistcoats. 


I'f.uted  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Wobura  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullen  Evans. of  W«.  19,  Queen's  Rond  \Vest, 
Printer.,  at  tlveir  Office  ia  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  V\  uitclriars,  In  the  Ciqr  oi  Lunjou,  and  FnblnUed 
Lt-ndoii.— SATuauiT,  February  14, 1S&7. 


Regents  rark.  both  ia  the  Pariah  of  St.  Panerps,  in  the  eounty  of  Middlesex. 
by  then  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  tbe  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  ui 


FEBRUARY  21,  1857. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE 'LONDON' CHARIVARI. 


71 


Mr.  HoWe-de-Hoye.  "  I  'M  VERY  FOND  OP  'EM. — THEEK'S  NO  ONE  LOOKING  ! — 
DON'T  SEE  WHY  I  SHOULDN'T — I  WILL  ! — YES— I  'LL  HATE  A  PENN'ORTH  ! " 


"  NE  SUTOR." 

(Hefptclj'illy  Dedicated  la  the  LORD  CHANCELLOR  OF  EXOI.AXD.) 

SHOEMAKER  CRAS  is  a  well-meaning  man, 

And  a  well-meaning  man  is  he, 
He's  awake  to  each  flaw  in  the  shoes  of  the  Law, 

That  makes  Justice  go  lame  as  a  tree. 

He  will  humour  each  corn,  soft  or  hardened  to  horn, 

Each  kibe  and  each  bunniou  admits — 
But  iii  spite  of  his  cobbling,  still  Justice  goes  hobbling 

Tor  GRAN'S  jobs  all  turn  out_misfits. 

And  great  the  disgust  is  of  poor  MADAME  JUSTICE, 

And  no  wonder  she 's  taking  to  scold, 
When,  with  all  CRAN'S  endeavour,  she 's  lamer  than  ever, 

And  the  new  shoes  finds  worse  than  the  old. 

There  was  Chancery  pinched,  till  she  'd  sooner  be  lynched , 
Than  set  foot  inside  tight  Lincoln's  Inn ; 

Doctors'  Commons  old  Law  her  blisters  did  draw, 
And  wore  her  poor  .soles  to  the  skin. 

And  so  to  mend  matters,  COBBLER  CRAN  from  the  lattei's 

Upper-leathers  a  cantle  must  pare, 
And,  skilful  reformer,  to  the  legs  of  the  former 

Sews  'em  on,  and  calls  that  a  new  pair  ! 

He  pares,  welts  and  lops,  rotten  old  feet  and  tops, 
Bought  at  booths  in  the  Law's  statute-fair, 

And  puffs  that  to  the  nation  as  Consolidation — 
Trash  that  won't  last  out  one  day's  rough  wear. 

He  claps  old  stuff  on  new ;  to  mend  one  hole  makes  two ; 

In  short,  turns  such  botch' d  work  out  of  hand, 
That  poor  Justice  'gins  swear  she  would  sooner  go  bare, 

Than  longer  CHAN'S  tinkering  stand ! 

Then  Shoemaker  CHAN,  though  a  well-meaning  man,  < 

In  law-mending  find  a  new  tutor ; 
Or  you  '11  find,  some  fine  morning,  by  way  of  a  warning, 

O'er  your  court  writ  in  large  Eana,  "  NE  SUITOR." 


THE  ROAD  TO  RUIN. — Follow  the  RED-PATH. 


THE  GOBEMOUCHE. 

THE  Gobemouche  (or  Ihtsca  Disraelis)  is  extremely  common  in  soft 
climates,  such  as  Italy,  the  opposition  benches,  and  the  Carlton  Club, 
though  it  has  been  known  to  go  to  the  greatest  latitudes.  It  has 
enormous  wings,  with  which  it  allows  itself  to  be  quietly  carried  away. 
It  flies  instinctively  at  anything  green.  Its  eyes,  too,  are  enormous, 
and  in  political  quarters  it  will  see  secret  things^which  no  one  else  can 
see.  But  its  great  distinguishing  characteristic  is  its  mouth.  The 
aperture  of  this  feature  is  so  accommodatingly  large  that  you  can  stuff 
almost  anything  into  it.  No  matter  how  preposterous  in  size  or 
absurdity  the  tiling  to  be  swallowed  may  be,  it  gulps  it  down  with  the 
greatest  ease  and  avidity.  Its  appetite  is  on  a  similar  scale  of  capa- 
ciousness, and  a  list  .of  the  articles  found  in  the  stomach  of  a  Gobe- 
mouche woidd  make  the  abdomen  of  a  shark  look  very  small  indeed. 

The  Gobemouche  abounds  in  clubs,  coffee-houses,  Capel  Courts, 
BELLAMY'S,  and  all  old  women's  tea-parties.  A  very  fine  specimen  of  it 
is  to  be  met  -with  in  the  office  of  the  Morning  Herald.  In  fact,  a  won- 
derful dressing-gown  is  shown  to  the  curious,  which  was  woven  out  of 
the  different  yarns  which  the  Gobemouch.es  have  at  different  times 
spun  in  that  establishment.  The  Editor,  it  is  affirmed,  puts  on  this 
dressing-gown  when  he  writes  his  leading  articles,  and, is  inspired 
accordingly. 

The  food  of  the  Gobemouche  consists  generally  of  playbills,  pamph- 
lets, programmes,  prospectuses,  and  bright  gossamer  promises  of  all 
kmds ;  an  English  Reform  Bill,  a  Spanish  constitution,  an  Austrian 
liberty  ot  the  press,  a  Russian  liberation  of  the  serfs,  an  American 
abolition  of  slavery— nothing  is  too  gross,  or  too  far  out  of  the  wav  for 
its  consumption  !  It  is  dearly  fond,  also,  of  anything  quackish.  thus, 
the  Gobemouche  falls  an  easy  prey  to  the  ointment-spreader,  and  other 
dealers  in  soft-soap  such  as  your  cheap-jack  philanthropist,  your 
flowery  preacher,  and  mouthing  politician.  During  the  elections,  the 
Gobemouche  may  be  caught  in  thousands  and  thousands.  The  pledges 
they  take  in  then,  without  the  smallest  examination,  would  ruin  the 
richest  pawnbroker  in  no  time. 

On  the  Stock  Exchange,  the  poor  Gobemouche  falls  a  ready  victim 
to  the  innumerable  Kites  that  fly  about  the  City. 


When  Parliament  closes,  the  Gobemouche  wings  its  flight  into  the 
country,  where  it  can  be  easily  traced  from  one  provincial  newspaper 
to  another,  changing  its  food  at  every  place.  At  one  time  y9u  may 
hear  of  its  swallowing  an  enormous  Gooseberry,  with  no  more  difficulty 
than  a  boa-constrictor  bolts  a  rabbit ;  at  another,  you  read  that  it  is 
feasting  to  its  heart's  content  off  a  Wonderful  Sjower  of  Frogs. 
Sometimes  its  powers  of  digestion  are  severely  tried — as,  for  instance, 
after  it  had  been  dazzled  and  made  giddy  with  the  report  that  MR. 
SPURGEON  was  about  to  marry  LOLA  MONIES,  it  could  not  be  induced 
to  take  the  smallest  bit  of  political,  or  green-room  gossip;  though 
again  when  it  really  is  hungry,  it  will  attack  anything,  and  has  been 
known  to  seize  on  a  tremendous  canard  of  the  very  wildest  nature, 
and,  in  less  time  than  you  can  listen  to  one  of  MR.  GLADSTONE'S 
speeches,  make  very  small  bones  of  it,  indeed ! 


"  BREAD  UPON  THE  WATERS." 

WE  have  rarely  met  with  a  more  pious,  a  more  touching  revelation 
of  inward  thankfulness  than  is  shown  through  the  subjoined  advertise- 
ment, and  issued  by  the  MISSES  S — ,  of  Liverpool : — 

THE  MISSES  S ,  on  retiring  from  their  sphere  of  labour  in 
Liverpool,  desire  to  record  the  mercy  of  God  in  having  permitted  them  so  long 
to  enjoy  the  sympathy  and  kindness  of  their  various  friends,  and  trust  that  the 
bread  cast  upon  the  waters  by  their  instrumentality,  may  be  found  and  enjoyed  by 
their  pupils  after  many  days.  The  HISSES  S.  will  be  happy  to  receive  any  of  their 
day-pupils  at  boarders  after  the  Christmas  recess,  at 

Thus,  it  is  evident  that  the  MISSES  S — ,  having,  as  day-teachers, 
thrown  their  diurnal  bread  upon  the  waters,  feel  justified  in  the 
Christian  hope  that  the  bread  may  be  returned  to  them  as  boarding- 
school  mistresses,  very  thickly  buttered. 


THE  FOG-SIGNALS. — The  new  system  of  Fog-Signals  is  to  be  tried 
in  the  House  of  Commons  on  the  night  of  the  first  heavy  debate.  Each 
speaker  is  to  be  provided  with  a  Fog-Signal,  in  order  that  Members 
may  see  in  what  particular  course  he  is  steering.  MR.  SFOONER  is  to 
have  two. 


TOL,  XXXII, 


72 


PUNCH,   Oil  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  21,  1857. 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 


\ 1 


EBRUARY  9TH.  Monday.  The 
next  "difference"  which  is 
likely  to  arise  between  the 
English  and  French  Govern- 
ments will  be  upon  the  ques- 
tion, whether  the  Danubiau 
Principalities  shall  be  soldered 
together,  or  kept  apart.  Eng- 
land is  for  separation,  France 
for  solder.  Considering  that 
we  went  to  war  for  the  in- 
tegrity of  the  Turkish  Empire, 
and  considering  that  the  join- 
ing these  two  provinces  would 
speedily  throw  them  into  the 
grip  of  Russia,  we  are  rather 
more  consistent  than  our 
Allies.  Meantime,  it  was 
agreed  that  neither  power 
was  to  say  anything  on  the 
subject  until  the  views  of  the 
parties  specially  interested, 
namely,  Turkey  and  the  Prin- 
cipalities themselves,  had  been 
obtained,  and  the  Monitevr 
has  been  breaking  compact, 
and  LORD  CLARENDON  ex- 
pressed his  "surprise,"  which 
is  diplomatic  for  disgust- 
In  the  Commons,  MR. 
LOWE  said  that  there  was  no 
reason  for  legislative  provi- 
sion against  railway  accidents, 

for  that  out  of  125  millions  of  HER  MAJESTY'S  subjects  who  travelled  by  rail  in 
1856,  only  8  were  killed  and  282  injured.  As  the  total  population  of  the  three 
kingdoms,  including  Eclpie  Island,  was,  at  the  last  census,  only  25,435,325,  we 
presume  that  MR.  LOWE  counted  the  tickets,  not  the  individuals.  SIR  B.  HAIL 
explained  that  nothing  was  to  be  done  with  Westminster  Bridge  at  present,  as  he 
was  waiting  for  lots  of  architects'  plans  for  the  Downing  Street  and  Westminster 
Improvements.  These  designs  are  to  be  stuck  up  after  Easter  in  Westminster 
Hall,  which  has  been  selected,  in  conformity  with  the  usual  policy  of  Govern- 
ment, because  it  has  the  worst  possible  light  for  such  a  purpose.  SIR 
GEORGE  GREY  then  introduced  his  Transportation  Bill.  He  proposes  to  lengthen 
sentences  of  penal  servitude,  and  give  more  discretionary  power  to  the  Judges,  and 
to  enable  them  to  transport  criminals  to  any  colony  that  will  take  them.  Western 
Australia  wants  convict  labour  at  present,  but  is  rather  fastidious,  and  will  accept 
none  but  healthy  and  handsome  convicts  (whether  their  noses  are  to  be  Grecian  or 
Roman  the  colony  has  not  given  us  orders!  and  will  have  no  women  at  all.  On 
the  lirst  point  SIR  GEORGE  will  be  as  obedient  as  he  can,  but  as  it  is  absolutely 
necessary  to  send  women  out,  he  proposes  to  remit  Irishwomen,  who  are  supposed 
to  be  less  objectionable  than  their  Scotch  and  English  sisters  in  crime.  A 
Reformatory  School  bill,  useful,  but  limited,  was  also  introduced. 

Tuesday.  LORD  CHANCELLOR  CRANWORTH  brought  in  three  Bills,  and  remarkably 
queer  articles  they  are.  First,  a  Bill  for  reforming  the  system  of  proving  Wills,  by 
establishing  a  considerably  worse  system.  Secondly,  a  Bill  for  reforming  the  Law 
of  Divorce,  by  a  set  of  alterations  that  are  not  improvements.  Thirdly,  a  Bill  for 
trving  naughty  parsons  by  means  of  a  tribunal  that  cannot  possibly;  work.  As  the 
other  law  lords  will  take  these  measures  in  hand  (CRANNY  caught  it  all  round  for 
his  feebleness  and  timidity)  it  is  probable  that  they  may  be  improved,  and  Mr.  Punch 
will  refrain  from  taking  them  to  pieces  until  he  sees  in  what  form  it  is  proposed 
finally  to  submit  them  for  his  consideration. 

In  the  Commons,  LOUD  PALMERSTON  (on  compulsion)  paid  a  high  compliment  to 
the  Crimean  Commissioners,  but  added  that  nothing  more  would  be  paid  them. 
The  "  Secret  Treaty  "  squabble,  raised  by  MR.  DISRAELI,  was  then  renewed,  and 
again  on  the  Thursday.  It  may  as  well  be  disposed  of  at  onee.  There  was  no 
Treaty,  but  there  was  a  Convention,  dated  in  December,  1854,  and  this  was  signed, 
though  PAM  at  first  said  it  had  not  been.  The  purport  of  this  Convention  was,  that 
if  Austria  would  help  the  Allies,  France  would  nelp  to  keep  Austrian  Italy  in  order. 
Austria  never  did  help  the  Allies,  but  on  the  contrary  helped  Russia  most  materially 
by  taking  away  an  army,  and  BO  the  Convention  came  to  nothing.  If  PAM  had 
been  a  little  more  frank  and  a  little  less  rude  in  Ids  first  answer,  DIZZY'S  overthrow 
would  have  been  complete.  As  it  is,  he  has  a  sort  of  verbal  victory,  just  such  an 
one  as  would  delight  a  smart  attorney's  clerk.  MR.  HARDY,  Conservative  Mem- 
ber for  Leominster,  brought  in  a  Bill  for  giving  the  magistrates  at  sessions  more 
power  over  beer-houses.  Some  of  the  tea-total  Members  took  the  opportunity  of 
protesting  against  anybody's  drinking  under  any  circumstances. 

Wednesday.  Nothing  particular,  except  discussion  on  a  Bill  for  reforming  the 
Liverpool  Dock  Trust,  which  was  of  course  resisted,  and  finally  sent  to  a  Select 
Committee. 

Thursday.  LORD  CLARENDON  stated  that  the  "protectors"  of  Greece,  namely, 
England,  France,  and  Russia,  were  going  to  overhaul  its  accounts,  and  see 


whether  its  affairs  could  not  be  so  managed  that  something 
might  be  available  for  its  creditors. 

The  Crimean  Commander-in-Chief  and  the  Governor  of 
the  Bank  of  England,  having  been  respectively  victorious 
at  Greenwich  and  Southampton,  swore,  and  seated  them- 
selves. SIR  B.  HALL  explained  that  the  NELSON  column 
could  not  be  finished  for  want  of  money  (about  £5000),  for 
which  he  did  not  mean  to  ask  Parliament.  Punch  sees  no 
hope  for  the  memorial  to  pur  greatest  Admiral,  unless 
some  "influential  person"  will  propose  that  its  completion 
shall  be  entrusted  (with  £20,000  as  guerdon)  to  some 
BARON  MARHOWFATTI,  or  other  fortunate  foreign  pet. 
SIR  ROBERT  PEEL  was  then  called  to  account  for  his 
lecture  on  foreign  notorieties.  He  stated  that  he  had  really 
had  no  idea  of  annoying  anybody.  He  had  been  talking 
in  a  "  familiar  "  way.  Mr.  Punch  accepts  the  apology  with 
perfect  frankness,  not  having  the1  least  respect  for  any  of 
the  persons  quizzed  by  SIR  ROBERT,  but  would  recal  to 
that  baronet  Polomus's  advice  to  his  son :  "  Be  thou 
familiar,  but  by  no  means  vulgar."  A  good  debate  arose 
as  to  whether  there  should  not  be  a  Minister  of  Public 
Justice,  with  a  separate  department,  and  a  motion  by 
MR.  NAPIER  for  an  address  requesting  the  QUEEN  to  take 
the  subject  into  consideration,  was  agreed  to.  _  LORD 
PALMERSTON  promised  real  assistance  in  promoting  the 
scheme,  and  brought  out  one  of  the  quaint  quotations  of 
which  he  is  fond : — 

"  What  to  avoid  requires  no  great  heed, 
Butwhat  to  follow  is  the  task  indeed." 

This  is  true.  It  requires  no  great  heed  to  avoid  the  Dis- 
raclite  party,  but  it  is  a  task  indeed,  at  times,  to  follow 
LORD  PALMERSTON.  SIR  WILLIAM  CLAY  brought  in  his 
Bill  for  the  abolition  of  Chure/i-rates,  on  which  our  friend 
SpooNEii  promised  to  have  a  round  or  two  with  SIR  W. 

Friday.  LORD  BROUGHAM  came  down  to  the  Lords  with 
his  carpet-bag,  as  he  was  going  to  France ;  but,  before  he 
went,  he  desired  to  move  three  resolutions  touching  the 
rights  of  married  women  to  property.  First,  that  their 
present  rights  were  all  wrongs.  Secondly,  that  a  woman 
was  entitled  to  her  own  property ;  and  thirdly,  that  if  our 
ridiculous  theory  of  marriage  prevented  a  woman  from 
having  this  justice,  at  all  events  a  profligate  husband  should 
be  restrained  from  wasting  her  possessions.  LORD  CAMP- 
BELL, of  course,  thought  differently  from  LORD  BBOUGHAM 
on  the  most  important  point,  and  the  debate  was  adjourned 
until  the  latter's  return. 

In  the  Commons,  the  CHANCELLOR  OP  THE  EXCHEQUER 
produced  the  Budget.  What  he  took  two  hours  and  three- 
quarters  to  say,  MR.  PUNCH  proposes  to  put  into  three 
lines  and  a  quarter.  The  Income-Tax  is  to  be  reduced 
from  Sixteen-pence  to  Seven-pence  on  incomes  over  £150, 
and  1  o  Five-pence  on  incomes  between  £150  and  £100 ;  and 
in  three  years  expires  altogether. 

You  may  give  three  cheers,  BULL,  for  no  doubt  it  is 
something  to  keep  the  Nimble  Ninepencc  that  used  to  jump 
so  nimbly  from  your  pocket  into  the  tax-collector's.  Cheer 
away,  old  boy.  Now,  if  your  mind  is  relieved,  sit  down 
and  wipe  your  old  face,  as  we  have  sometliing  to  say  to 
MRS.  BULL.  0,  yes,  you  may  hear.  MRS.  BULL,  M'm,  you 
are  aware  that  the  duty  on  Tea  is  now  one  and  nine  ?  Yes, 
M'm,  but  according.to  the  present  law  it  would  be  reduced, 
by  yearly  degrees,  to  one  and  three,  aTid  one  shilling.  Yes, 
M'm,  but  SIR  G.  C.  L.  proposes  to  make  a  much  longer 
business  of  the  reduction,  and  to  make  it  drop  to  one  and 
seven,  to  one  and  five,  to  one  and  three,  and  finally  to  one 
bob.  He  intends  to  play  a  similar  trick,  M'm,  with  Sugar ; 
ami  therefore,  as  MR.  GLADSTONE  gently  specified  to  him, 
the  quest  ion  is  now  whether  t  he  Tax  on  Tea  and  Sugar 
shall  be  increased.  What  do  you  think  of  that:,  old  girl? 


A  NOTE  FROM  NELSON. 

"  LORD  NELSON  presents  his  compliments  to  SIR  BEN- 
JAMIN HALL,  and  having  learned  that  there  has  been  some 
talk  in  Parliament  about  his  unfinished  column  in  Trafalgar 
Square,  desires  to  state  that  he  in  no  way  wishes  to  jire- 
cipitate  the  Government  to  the  expense  of  £4000  or  £5000 
for  the  completion  of  the  same.  Having  stood  in  a  state 
of  destitution  for  so  many  years,  his  Lordship  has  become 
quite  accustomed  to  his  position,  and  would  become  rather 
embarrassed  by  the  novelty  of  any  attention.  LORD 
NELSON'S  concluding  compliments,  and  does  not  expect  the 
Government  to  do  its  duty." 


FEBRUARY  21,  1857.] 


1TXCH.   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


73 


THE    PANTOMIME    AND    THE    WORKHOUSE. 

R.  CHUTE  is  the  manager  of  the  Bath  theatre ;  and, 
a  few  days  ago,  in  the  proverbial  darkness  of  a 
manager's  mind — (a  playhouse  manager!) — sent  to 
I  lie  1  lath  Union  an  invitation, through  the  Guardians, 
to  the  pauper  children,  to  come  ami  sec  the  morning 
performance  of  Jack  and  the  Hean-Stal/c,  Whai 
a  burst  of  sunlight  broke  through  the  dulwss  of 
the  Union,  as  the  thoughilcM  little  sinners  pre- 
pared themselves  in  their  workhouse  best  to  be  at 
the  playhouse-door  at  2  p.  in. !  It  was,  however, 
doubtless  right  that  their  impatient  vanity  should 
be  rebuked;  and  rebuked  it,  was  by  the  pastoral 
disrmt  y  of  the  Church,  la>  aut  horit  y  grindy  assisting. 
Kven  whilst  the  children  were  dressing — (for 
MB.  BUSH,  the  chairman  had  -lyacceptcd 

the  invitation  for  the  little  ones! }—  the  Board  of 
Guardians  was  gathering.  At  length  the  Board 
met,  and  delivered  itself. 

The  REV.  11  it.  IS'EWXHAM  thought  the  idea 
"monstrous  that  the  Guardians  should  introduce 
the  children  under  their  rare  to  habits  of  early 
dissipation !  "  (Jack  and  the  Bean-Stalk  at  2  P.M.) 
Ms.  HENRY  DALLAWAY  agreed  with  MR.  NEWN- 
HAM.  DALLAWAY  had  once  seen  the  Striotis  Taiii'dy 
in  London :  the  most  distrusting  thins  he  ever  saw. 
(In  the  piece,  cant  is  gibbeted,  and  hypocrisy  torn 
to  tatters.  A  very  disgusting  exhibition,  MK. 
DALLAWAY.) 

MR.  MUHCII,  with  a  worldly-mindedness  much  to  be  lamented  for  pomps  and  vanities, 
said — "Heaven  knew  that  these  children  had  little  enough  to  gratify  them,  and  indeed  little 
society  of  any  kind."  (Why  should  pauper  children  be  gratifaed?  Poverty,  in  fact,  has  no 
childhood.) 

MR.  BARNES  spoke  for  the  children  and  the  Pantomime.  M».  W.  LEWIS  liked  to  be  a 
child  once  a-vcar.  A  pantomime  was  a  cliildish  amusement,  and  when  people  were  there, 
people  were  ail  childish  together.  L(The  REV.  MB.  NEWNHAM  silently  wondered  where  MR.  W. 
LEWIS  thonght  to  go  to  ?) 

finally,  it  was  agreed  that  the  workhouse  children  should  not  be  permitted  to  see  Jack 
and  the  Bean-Stalk  !  But  children,  on  wicked  pleasures  bent,  are  quick  in  their  doings.  The 
little  things  of  the  Bath  Union,  fluttering  with  sinfid  emotions,  had  dressed  themselves,  and 
under  due  guidance  (authority  having  been  given  by  weak  MR.  BTJSH)  had  departed  for  that 
Temple  of  Sin.  the  theatre.  The  "poor  children,"  says  the  Bath  Journal  (but  now  spiritually 
rich  with  such  workhouse  pastors !)  "  had  reached  the  very  door  of  the  theatre  before  the 
counter-order  denying  them  the  anticipated  pleasure  came  to  their  conductors." 

Of  course,  the  children,  in  the  ignorance  of  their  disappointment,  returned  to  their 
prison-house  to  mope,  and  sob,  and  cry.  They  could  not  be  expected  to  feel  properly  grateful 
to  the  REV.  MB.  NEWNHAM,  whose  Christian  tenderness  must  have  been  sweetly  rewarded 
by  the  bitter  distress  of  the  little  ones.  It  is  said,  however,  that  the  Rev.  Gentleman  took 
an  early  opportunity  of  "improving"  the  matter  for  the  benefit  of  his  flock  of  lambs. 
Among  other  things,  it  is  said  he  bade  the  infant  paupers  to  rejoice  in  the  misery  and 
helplessness  that  had  brought  them  under  the  guidance  and  ministration  of  the  Guardians 
of  Bath.  Had  it  been  their  trying  lot  to  be  born  princes  and  princesses  of  the  House  of 
Hanover,  great  would  have  been  their  temptations ;  and,  doubtless,  great  their  backslidings ; 
since — it  was  upon  record— the  QUEEN  herself  had  more  than  once  taken  her  little  ones, 
beginning  with  the  PRINCESS  ROYAL  and  ending  with  PKINCE  ARTHUR,  to  see  the  abomina- 
tion of  a  pantomime  played  in  the  morning  at  a  Temple  of  Disorder  called  the  Adelphi.  Now 
they — the  chosen  children  of  the  Bath  Union — had  been  stopped  at  the  very  doors. 

Well,  it  will  go  luckily  with  some  sour-faced  Christians  it,  with  the  fullest  belief  in  their 
own  right  of  entry  of  Paradise,  they  are  not  "  stopped  at  the  very  doors." 


foilofos  a  $atfjettc  JSallalj,  to  be  Safo  or  .Sung  62 
Christians  in  tije  SEntteU  IsUngtoom  :— 


Now  all  fond  parents  who  delight 

Young  people's  joy  to  see, 
Come  listen  to  a  tale  of  spite, 

Or  brutal  bigotry. 
How  hypocrites,  to  be  amused, 

Declaring  'tis  a  crime, 
Poor  little  folks  the  treat  refused 

To  see  a  Pantomime. 

There  is  a  playhouse  in  Bath  town, 

As  may  be  known  to  you, 
A  theatre  of  some  renown ; 

There  is  a  workhouse,  too. 
JACK  should  be  no  dull  boy  at  Bath, 

With  truth  if  one  might  say, 
That  if  he  work  in  workhouse  hath, 

Li  playhouse  he  hath  play. 


Thus,  or  on  this  wise  thinking,  lo ! 

The  theatre's  lessee 
Bade  all  the  workhouse  schools  to  go 

Unto  his  playhouse  free. 
By  day  to  see  the  Pantomime, 

And  so  their  minds  recruit 
With  pleasure  for  a  little  time  : 

Good  luck  to  MR.  CHUTE  ! 

He  to  the  Chairman  of  the  Board, 

His  invitation  sent. 
The  Chairman  sent  the  Master  word, 

Then  to  his  colleagues  went, 
Whom  he  informed  of  what  he  'd  done, 

And  that,  with  joy  elate, 
The  children,  waiting  for  the  fun, 

For  their  consent  did  wait. 


A  Parson,  one  of  the  "eleet" 

No  doubt,  in  self-conceit, 
Did,  in  a  strain  of  cant,  object 

Unto  the  children's  treat. 
The  ]>!;a  house  is  a  sinful  place, 

Howled  this  fanatic  mean, 
\\  ould  lie,  or  any  of  his  race, 

Howl  thus  before  the  QUEEN  ? 

A.  lay  snob,  who,  unon  the  stage, 

Had  seen  himself  portiaycd 
In  a  sham  saint,  with  wrath  and  rage 

Never,  since  then,  allayed, 
With  RKYKUKND  _\l  it.  MAWWOEM  did 

In  sentiments  awe : 
In  short,  the  children  were  forbid 

The  Pantomime  to  see. 

Meanwhile  the  children,  dreaming  not 

Of  disappointment,  sore, 
Had  been  sent  on,  and  now  had  got 

Unto  the  playhouse  door, 
When  lo !  the  counter-order  came, 

And  back  they  had  to  liudgc. 
Shame  on  you,  Puritans  !  oh,  shame, 

Their  harmless  mirth  to  grudge. 

Their  little  faces  beamed  with  joy, 

Two  miles  upon  their  way, 
As  t  hey  supposed,  eacli  girl  and  boy, 

About  to  see  the  play. 
Their  little  cheeks  with  tears'were  wet, 

As  back  again  they  went, 
.1'alkcd  by  a  sanctimonious  set 

Led  by  a  Reverend  Gent. 

And  if  such  Reverend  Gents  as  he 

Could  get  the  upper  hand, 
Ah,  what  a  hateful  tyranuv 

Would  override  the  land ! 
That  we  may  never  sec  that  time, 

Down  with  the  canting  crew 
That  woiild,  out  of  their  Pantomime, 

Poor  little  children  do  ! 


A  WONDERFUL  WEAPON. 

A  GALLANT  Officer,  in  writing  to  a  contem- 
porary, describes  himself  by  the  following  sig- 
nature :  —  "A  LIEUTENANT  -  COLONEL  WHOSE 
SWORD  IS  HIS  BREAD,  BUT  WOULD  NOT  NEGLECT 
HIS  MOTHER'S  GBEY  HAIBS  FOB  A  MARSHAL'S 

BATON." 

We  should  like  to  have  a  look  at  the  extra- 
ordinary sword  possessed  by  the  Lieutenant- 
Colonel.  What  a  wonderful  weapon !  It  is 
nutritious,  voluntary,  and  dutiful.  Its  master 
eats  it  without  consuming  it ;  but  notwithstanding 
that,  it  would  not  neglect  the  (jirey  hairs  of  his 
mother.*.' What  peculiar  attention  it  is  in  the 
habit  of  showing  to  them  we  can  only  guess ; 
perhaps  the  kind  of  service  that  is  rendered  to 
grey  hair  by  a  lead  comb.  This  sword  would  also 
appear  to  be  capable  of  wielding  a  marshal's 
baton ;  a  feat  only  comparable  with  that  of  the 
celebrated  dish  which  is  .related  to  have  run 
away  with  a  spoon. 


Knowledge   of  Uncommon  Things. 

THE  French  satirist,  inveighing  against  the 
extravagance  of  the  dav,  says,  "  Le  stperft/i  est 
maintenant  te  ne'cessaire.  This  may  be  said  to 
be  L'terally  the  case  with  our  young  Lords,  when 
a  gold  latch-key  is  pronounced  in  a  Court  of 
Law  to  be  a  necessary  for  an  Infant. 

PLAIN   SPEAKING. 

SIR  BENJAMIN  HALL,  losing  all  patience  one 
deputation-day  with  the  Board  of  Works,  ex- 
claimed quite  petulantly,  "  I  tell  you  what, 
Gentlemen,  1  would  take  the  Babes  in  the  Wood, 
and  swear  I  would  make  with  them  a  better 
Board  than  YOU  are !  " 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHA1UVA111 


DWEADFUL    ACCIDENT    IN    HIGH    LIFE. 


PITY  THE  GREAT  UNEMPLOYED. 

GOOD  people  here  thus  to  appear  exposed  to  public  view, 
Ashamed,  indeed,  we  feel;  W  need  compels  us  BO  to  do. 
Sad  is  onr  case,  we're  out  of  place  of  salary  devoid 
Commiserate  our  painful  state,  and  pity  the  Unemployed.  , 

We  hope  and  pray  you  never  may  know  what  it  is  to  go 
Without  a  berth  In  times  of  dearth,  whereby  we  are  brought  low 
Work  could  we  find  we  should  not  mind;  we  should  be  ^Hjayed. 
We  would  turn  to,  we  promise  you  ;  then  pity  the  Unemployed. 
>Tis  near  five  years  since  we  poor  Peers  and  Commoners  distressed, 
Have  touched  red  tape  in  any  shape  of  oflice  dispossessed  ; 
^is  long  to  wait  in  such  a  state,  with  hope  almost  destroyed 
Which  way  to  turn  we  can't  discern,  so  pity  the  Unemployed. 

We  gladly  would  take  what  we  could  although  the  smallest  job  ; 
The  truth  we  speak,  we  do  not  seek  tlic  public  purse  to  rob. 
There  is  a  lot  by  that  garotte  that  people  have  annoyed  : 
But  don't  suppose  we  're  such  as  those  ;  and  pity  the  Unemployed. 

Of  elbows  out  we  go  about  and  toes  come  through  our  boots  : 
We  only  ask  to  have  a  task,  according  as  it  suite, 


A  Premier  good  there  's  one  you  could,  to  your  advantage  make  ; 
Another  for  the  Chancellor  of  your  Exchequer  take. 
Affairs  to  mend  we  do  intend,  and  by  the  hope  we  re  buoyed, 
That  you  will  try  us  by  and  by,  and  pity  the  Unemployed. 

CONSCIENCE  MoNEY.-Mii.  JOHN  BTJLL  begs  to  acknowledge  t 
sum  of  Ninepence  in  the  Pound  of  exceeded  Income-Tax  remitted  b 
the  CHANCELLOR  or  THE  EXCHEQUER.. 


SIR  ROBERT  PEEL  EXPLAINS. 


from  all  sides  of  the  House.) 

A  Happy   Couple. 


53?  BThSS  ?—  ,' 

speak  first."  If  such  are  the  fruits  of  pride,  how  foolish  it  is  to 
to  teach  women  humility  ! 


FEBRUARY  21,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


77 


SOME    MORE 


CHAPTERS 
JOHN 


FROM 
BULL. 


THE  HISTORY   OF 


How  JOHN  BULL  came  to  hear  of  what  teas  going  OH.  How  he  flew  into 
a  rage  when  he  discorered  the  truth  ;  and  the  steps  he  took  to  bring 
the  blame  home  to  the  right  people. 

WHILE  all  this  was  going  on,  and  the  poor  lads  were  dying  by 
dozens,  JOHN  BULL  continued  to  receive  very  comfortable  letters  from 
the  old  head-keeper,  enclosing  flaming  reports  from  the  under-keepers, 
how  all  was  going  on  as  well  as  could  be  expected,  and  how  NIC K'.S 
rascals  were  being  thrashed  every  time  JOHN'S  watchers  came  within 
arm's  length  of  them.  The  latter  part  of  this  news  was  quite  true,  for 
never  did  poor  fellows  fight  more  lustily  than  JOHN'S  watchers,  in  spite 
of  empty  oellies,  rags,  aches,  pains,  frost-bites,  and  fevers.  But  tliey 
could  scarce  have  held  their  ground  for  all  their  pluck,  but  for  a  large 
party  of  LEWIS  SONET'S  servants  hard  by  that  helped  JOHN'S  to  deal  with 
NICK.  This  BONKY  had  lately  come  into  old  LEWIS  BABOON'S  property, 
some  folks  said  not  quite  fairly.  But,  be  that  as  it  may,  he  was  in 
possession  of  the  BABOON  estates,  and,  being  a  long-headed  fellow, 
had  made  up  to  JOHN  BULL,  instead  of  going  to  law  or  loggerheads 
with  him,  as  BABOON  had  been  used  to  do.  BONEY  had  sworn  to 
stand  by  JOHN  BULL  in  this  affair  with  NICK,  and,  sure  enough,  he  had 
kept  his  word  so  far  like  a  man ;  so  that  the  two,  between  them,  were 
more  than  a  match  for  NICK,  for  all  he  stood  six  feet  four  in  his  shoes, 
and  had  as  many  rag-a-muffins  at  his  orders  as  MR.  BULL  and  LEWIS 
BONEY  could  muster  honest  good  fellows,  between  'em. 

All  this  while,  you  may  suppose,  JOHN'S  poor  starving  lads  were 
grumbling,  and  sulky  at  the  usage  they  got :  but  not  a  man  left  his 
post  so  long  as  he  could  handle  a  cudgel ;  and,  of  course,  the  keepers 
took  care  none  of  their  complaints  should  reach  JOHN  BULL.  Not  but 
what  some  of  these  keepers  were  good  men  and  true,  and  did  their 
best  to  make  the  watchers  under  their  orders  comfortable,  and  took 
their  own  chances  alongside  of  their  lads,  rough  or  smooth.  But  what 
could  they  do  ?  The  knot  of  lazy  incompetent  rogues  round  the  old 
head-keeper  had  his  ear,  of  course,  and  fobbed  off  on  him  what  tales 
they  would,  and  very  little  truth  reached  JOHN, BULL'S  ears,  I  can 
promise  you. 

Nevertheless,  the  truth  did  ooze  out  at  last,  for  all  their  man- 
oeuvring to  keep  it  close.  For  there  happened  to  come  that  way  a 
sharp-witted  lad,  a  pen-hawker,  who  was  used  to  visit  outlying  farms, 
to  look  after  the  geese,  in  the  way  of  his  business ;  and,  going  about 
everywhere,  he  used  Ms  eyes  and  his  ears,  and  sent  home  accounts  to 
his  employers  of  what  was  going  on,  mighty  different  from  those  JOHN 
BULL  was  in  the  habit  of  receiving,  and  which  he  would  read  aloud  to 
all  his  friends  and  acquaintances,  bragging  at  the  same  time  what 
servants  he  had,  and  how  famously  matters  were  going  on  up  at  the 
moor-farm,  and  so  forth. 

Now  when  JOHN  BULL  saw  the  accounts  sent  home  by  the  pen- 
hawker,  he  was  a  good  deal  staggered  at  first,  and  handed  them  over 
to  his  Steward— an  old  Scotchman,  by  the  name  of  GORDON— who  only 
pooh-poohed  them  for  traveller's  tales,  and  swore  the  pen-hawker 
was  a  lying  vagabond,  who  deserved  to  be  set  in  the  stocks  for  a 
scandal-monger,  and  a  makebate.  But  at  length,  as  some  of  the 
friends  and  relations  of  the  watchers  got  news,  from  time  to  time,  of 
the  sad  state  the  lads  were  in,  and  how  they  were  dying  fast  of 
starvation  and  neglect,  JOHN  grew  fidgety,  and  determined  to  inquire 
a  little  more  closely  into  matters.  To  this  he  was  mainly  spirited  up 
by  one  STAG,  a  clerk  in  JOHN'S  counting-house,  and  an  honest  fellow, 
though  with  a  temper  as  sharp  as  verjuice,  and  a  tongue  that  spared 
nobody. 

The  old  Scotch  steward  set  himself  against  any  inquiry,  and  was  so 
stubborn  and  pig-headed  on  the  point,  that  at  last,  JOHN  BULL  fairly 
lost  temper  with  him  and  turned  him  out  of  his  place,  setting  up 
instead  of  him  one  PAM,  a  sharp,  shrewd,  plausible  fellow,  who  had 
held  different  situations  in  the  family,  from  steward's  room-boy  upwards, 
and  had  always  been  liked,  as  a  pleasant  companion,  and  one  too,  that 
had  more  in  Jiim  than  you  would  guess  from  his  jaunty  manner,  and 

at  first  to  stave 
better,  if  left  to 


ears  were  worth  to  go  near  him  now.  He  cuffed  here,  and  he  cursed 
there:  was  for  knocking  down  everybody  at  best,  and  for  hanging  a 
good  many.  He  even  neglected  his  business ;  would  take  no  rest  at 
nights ;  went  without  shaving,  lost  his  appetite,  and  sulked  about  his 
premises,  as  the  saying  is,  like  a  bear  with  a  sore  head. 

PAM  saw  it  was  no  use  smoothing  matters  over,  so,  in  his  pliant 
manner,  he  fell  into  his  master's  angry  way,  and  used  the  same  sort  of 
language  about  the  keepers,  swearing  that  nothing  was  too  bad  for 
them — that  they  deserved  cashiering,  every  rogue  of  them,  and  so 
forth.  But  when  JOHN  talked  of  sending  them  about  their  business 
at  once,  neck  and  crop,  PAM  hinted  that  he  had  better  have  matters 
looked  into  on  the  spot  first,  and  named  a  brace  of  Scotchmen — cool, 
slinwd,  long-headed  men  both— who,  he  declared,  were  the  very  men 
to  find  out  the  keepers'  mis-doings,  and  lay  the  bkme  at  the  right 
door.  One  was  looking  after  the  business  of  some  of  JOHN'S  poor 
relations  in  Scotland  at  this  time,  and  the  other  was  an  old  soldier  in 
JOHN'S  establishment.  But,  old  as  they  were,  they  both  consented 
cheerfully  to  turn  out  of  their  snug  berths,  and  undertake  the  business 
PAM  wished  to  charge  them  with.  JOHN  BULL  was  standing  by  when 
PAM  gave  them  their  orders.  "Mind,"  he  said,  "we  must  have 
neither  fear  nor  favour — no  shirking  facts,  or  smoothing  over  short- 
comings. Overhaul  everything  and  everybody,  speak  truth,  and  shame 
the  Devil;  and.  never  fear,  my  friends,  but  that  every  one  in  this 
house  will  stand  by  you."  JOHN  BULL  backed  all  the  steward  said, 
and  off  the  two  Scotchmen  started,  with  good  will  to  their  work,  and 
much  comforted,  you  may  be  sure,  byj  PAH'S  hearty  and  straight- 


forward way  of  talking. 


(To  be  continued.) 


his  off-hand  way  of  going  about  his  work.    PAM  tried  at 
off  STAG'S  interference,  declaring  he 'd  do  the  work  bet^,  ^  ,„„  „„ 
mmseli ;  but  finding  that  this  tone  set  JOHN'S  back  up,  he  changed  his 
note,  swore  he  was  all  for  inquiry,  and  protested  that  STAG  was  the 
very  man  to  conduct  it— none  better.    Accordingly  STAG  had  his  way  • 


TAKING  OFF  THE  INCOME-TAX. 

HE  '  more  serious- 
minded  of  our  readers 
may  think  that  in  deal- 
ing with  so  grave  a 
subject  as  the  Income- 
Tax,  we  should  have 
abstained  from  the  re- 
motest approach  to 
jocularity,  and  have 
treated  the  matter 
with  as  much  sedate- 
ness  as  though  a  pun 
had  never  issued  from 
our  pen.  But  although 
we  quite  acknowledge 
that  a  tax  so  heavy 
should  in  no  way  be 
made  light  of,  we 
cannot  well  admit  that 

ponderosity  of  language  would  have  added  weight  to  the  arguments 
against  it.  We  do  not  think  our  advocacy  for  obtaining  its  reduction 
would  have  gained  much  in  force  had  we  only  used  strong  language  ; 
and  although  the  Income-Tax  may  have  made  us  laugh  a  little  on 
the  wrong  side  of  our  mouths,  we  nave  considered  it  our  duty  to  grin 
as  well  as  bear  it.  A  tax  of  one  and  fourpence  in  the  pound  was  a 
tax  upon  our  temper  as  well  as  on  our  income,  and  by  far  too  heavy 
we  admit  to  be  treated  with  an  undue  levity.  But  having  all  its 
inequalities  before  our  eyes,  as  we  viewed  the  imposing  of  it  as  in 
fact  an  imposition,  we  have  thought  ourselves  justified  to  hold  it  up  to 
ridicule,  as  well  as  reprobation :  and  in  treating  its  absurd  injustice  in 
the  way  of  caricature,  we  have  felt  assured  that  the  Income-Tax  was 
of  all  things  one  which  no  one  would  object  to  see  taken  off. 


The  Chancellor's  Bills. 


,  IT  is  told  of  a  certain  Chief  Justice,  that  he  never  travelled  on  circuit 
unless  attended  by  a  favourite  goose  in  his  carriase.  This  goose,  the 
learned  lord  was  wont  to  consult  for  aid  and  help  in  his  decisions ;  and 
found  from  its  inspirations  the  best  aid  in  his  worst  need.  It  is  said, 
that  in  imitation  of  this  learned  judge,  the  LOUD  CHANCELLOR  has  a 

Better.    Accordingly  bTAG  had  his  way ;   net  owl,  by  whose  eyes  he  draws  theliils  that  he  submits  to  Parliament. 

xand  some  of  the  keepers,  who  had  come  I  This  being  the  case,  there  can  be  no  wonder,  that  his  measures,  being  too 

weak  to  bear  the  light,  eo  out,  one  bv  one.  "  like  wiukins." 


tew  strangers,  besides,  who  had  visited  the  farm  out  of  curiosity  •  and 
a  pretty  story  they  made  of  it  among  them !  JOHN  BULL'S  hair  fairly 
stood  on  end  at  the  ugly  facts  that  came  out,  and  I  promise  you,  never  was 
a  man  seen  in  a  greater  trouble.  Sometimes  he  would  curse,  and  anon 
ic  would  whistle,  and  then  stamp,  and  swear,  and  wring  his  hands,  and 
cry  like  a  child.  In  short  lie  went  on  in  a  way  that  the  oldest  inhabi- 


one 


Diplomas  of  the  Dangerous  Classes. 

MANY  convicts  who  have  obtained  tickets-pf-Leave  appear  to  be 
rather  proud  than  otherwise  of  those  distinctions.  We  expect  that 
philanthropists,  who  are  in  the  habit  of  visiting  the  abodes  of  this  class 
of  persons,  will,  in  many  instances,  find  the  Ticket-of-Leave  converted  to 


,       ,  .  -  ,        ,  i  ,          i  i  c 

ornamental' purpoebv  being  framed  and 
ail  ins  lite  before.    It  was  as  much  as  a  servant's  i  over  the  chimney-piece  of  the  crib. 


78 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  21,  1857. 


PAM'S  VALENTINE  TO   BRITANNIA.-1857. 


BRI- 


Do  declare,   my    dear 

TAXXIA, 

I  love  no  other  sweet- 
heart than  yer; 

You  is  a  duck  and  dar- 
ling, you  is, 

Now  just  see  what  I've 
done  with  LEWIS. 

That  Sixteen-pence  that 
made  you  shrewish, 

He'd  have  kept  on  by 
dodge  so  Jewish, 

But  I  have  made  him  cut 
it  down 

To  Seven,  so  now  you 
need  not  frown ; 

There,  ducky,  since  I  've 
cut  off  Nine, 

Accept  me  tor  your 
Valentine. 

CuriD. 
Feb.  UtL 


MEDDLERS  WITH; MATRIMONY. 

A  PIECE  of  sound  philosophy  is  a  rarity  in  these  times. 
Here,  however,  is  a  genuine  sample  of  that  scarce  com- 
modity, extracted  from  a  leading  article  in  the  Times  paper : — 

"  It  is  certainly  observable  that  the  subject  of  marriage  is  cue  upon 
which  false  religion  is  remarkably  tender." 

In  illustration  of  this  truth  are  cited  the  following 
instances  : — 

"  The  Manichcans  would  not  allow  the  elect  to  marry  ;  the  Roman 
church  does  not  allow  the  priests  to  marry  ;  the  Hindoo  religion  does 
not  allow  widows  to  marry. " 

To  the  above  list  of  examples  may  be  added  this  one 
more : — Certain  inconsistent  and  unreasoning  Protestants 
refuse  to  allow  a  widower  to  marry  his  deceased  wife's 
sister. 


The  Belles  Lettres. 

A  BOND' STREET  Milliner,  with  more  truth  than  elegance, 
sent  home  a  lady's  dress  with  a  letter,  which  began  thus : — 
"  -My  dear  Madam,  this  comes  /wop-ing,"  &c. 


BEGINNING  AT  THE  WRONG  END.  — Instead  of  at- 
tempting to  deodorise  the  Thames,  would  it  not  be  as  well 
to  begin  first  by  deodorising  the  Court  of  Aldermen  ? 


PUNCH'S  COMPLETE  TRADESMAN. 

a,  Series  o. 


done  as  follows : — The  butter  is  brought  to  the  melting  point,  and 
water  and  salt  are  then  stirred  in  until  the  mixture  has  become  cold. 
Patts.  May  I  ask  what  proportion  is  thus  gained,  Sir  ? 


work 


to 


^rosperity  in  this  World. 
No.  I. 

MR.  RANCID,   the  Butterman.     PATTS,  his  Apprentice.    SCRAPE,  the 
Boy.    The  shutters  have  just  been  put  tip. 

Mr.  Rancid  (turning  down  the  gas  nearly  out).  Well,  PATTS,  thou  hast 
been  with  us  a  month.  How  do'st  like  the  butter-shop,  PATTS  ? 

Patts.  If,  dear  Sir,  I  give  you  as  much  satisfaction  as  you  can  expect 
from  a  beginner,  I  am  perfectly  happy. 

Scrape  (privately  to  a  firkin).  Walker  ! 

Mr.  Rancid.  A  becoming  answer,  PATTS.  To  the  willing  and 
respectful  apprentice,  it  is  his  master's  duty  and  pleasure  to  impart  all 
the  instruction  in  his  power. 

Patts.  Dear  MR.  RANCID,  you  shall  indeed  find 'me  grateful  for 
instruction. 

Mr.  Rancid.  I  doubt  it  not,  PATTS.    Now,  PATTS,  what  is  Butter  ? 

Patts.  You  jest,  dear  Sir.  \_langlis  heartily. 

Mr.  Rancid  (not  displeased).  I  did  not  mean  to  jest,  my  good  lad. 

Scrape  (aside).  Don't  see  no  jest.    Old  bloke!    Young  humbug  ! 

Patts  (rigidly  grave).  I  humbly  ask  your  forgiveness,  Sir.  Youth  is 
I  will 


prone  to  levity.  I  will  amend  in  future.  You  were  pleased  to  ask  me 
what  Butter  is.  I  suppose  it  to  be  made  from  cream,  which  is  collected, 
from  time  to  time,  m  a  covered  jar,  and  when  it  becomes  sour,  is 
churned,  washed,  and  kneaded,  and,  if  intended  for  salt  butter,  salted. 
Mr.  Rancid.  Good  boy,  good  memory.  Thou  hast  described  to  me 
the  original  article,  and  that  which  purchasers  beb'eve  that  they  buy 
from  thee  across  my  counter. 


The  manufactured  article,  my  good  lad,  and  especially  that  which 
Guardians  of  the  Poor  permit  us  to  supply  to  the  Paupers,  oft  con- 
tains 14  per  cent,  of  salt  and  15  per  cent,  of  water. 

Scrape  (aside).  Ah,  don't  it  just,  and  don't  I  know  it ! 

Patts.  And  arc  there  no  other  ways,  dear  Sir  ? 

_l/r.  'Runcid.  Of  a  surety  there  are.  At  particular  times,  of  which  1 
will  hereafter  instruct  thee,  starch,  usually potatoe  flour,  maybe  added. 
We  can  also  do  somewhat  with  curds.  Ana  sometimes,  but  less  often, 
animal  fats  and  lard  are  used  by  us. 

Patts.  But,  dear  Sir,  if  I  might  speak  ? — 

Mr.  Rancid.  Speak,  good  lad. 

Patts.  Why  not  take  a  simpler  way  of  making  more  of  the  pound  ? 

Mr.  Rancid.  Let  us  hear  thee,  boy. 

Patts.  Why  not,  dear  Sir,  privately  affix  a  piece  of  lead  below  the 
scale  in  which  we  weigh  the  butter  ? 

Scrape  (a/tide).  So  they  did  at  my  last  place,  and  didn't  I  inform, 
in  rewenge  for  kickin' ! 

Mr.  Rancid.  Firstly,  boy,  because  the  law  employs  minions  to  hunt  up 
such  contrivances,  and  punish  them,  though  but  slightly;  and,  secondly, 
because  they  are  'not  considered  respectable.  But  thou  art  right  to 
think,  and  to  ask.  Art  an  early  riser  ? 

Pads.  Early  to  bed  and  early  to  rise  is  the  way  to  be — 

Mr.  Rancid.  Good.    To-morrow  morning  thou  wilt  rise  at  tliree. 

Patts.  At  two,  Sir,  if  it  will  please  you. 

Mr.  Rancid.  At  three.  I  will  show  thee  another  of  the  secrets  of 
our  business.  I  have  some  Epping  Butter  to  get. 

Patts.  And  are  we  going  to  Epping,  Sir  ?    O,  I  love  the  Forest ! 

Mr.  Rancid.  Thou  slialt  go  thither,  some  day.  But  to-morrow  our 

Patts.  And  do  they  not,  dear  Sir.  Surely  we  do  not  defraud  them  ? ;  Epping  is  in  yonder  kitchen.  I  have  some  Irish  salt  butter,  of  a  very 
Mr.  Rancid.  Use  iio  untradesmanlike  language,  my  lad.  When  I ,  inferior  character,  out  of  which  we  will  wash  the  salt,  and  then  we 
tell  thee  that  did  I  sell  that  article  to  my  customers,  I  could  keep  no  will  wash  our  butter  frequently  with  milk,  and  we  will  add  a  little 


gig  for  thy  dear  mistress,  and  that  she  could  have  but  few  new  dresses 
within  the  year,  thou  wilt  feel,  for  thou  art  a  kind  boy,  and  lovest  the 
ladies,  (nay,  blush  not,  to  do  so  in  honesty  is  good  for  thee,)  that  I 
pursue  the  right  course. 

Scrape  (savagely,  aside).  Wisli  there  wasn't  no  gigs  in  the  world, 
and  then  they  wouldn't  want  no  cleanin'. 

Patts.  Can  I  doubt  it,  Sir  ? 

Mr.  Rancid.  Listen  then.  It  is  needful  to  make,  out  of  a  pound  of 
the  original  article,  as  much  more  than  a  pound  as  we  can.  There  are 
various  ways  of  doing  this.  One  is  to  incorporate — dost  understand 
the  word  ? — 

Patts.  I  do,  Sir. 

Mr.  Rancid.  Explain  it. 

Patts.  I  can't,  Sir. 

Scrape  (scornfully, aside].  A  pretty  specimen  of  aprizejackhass  you  are! 

Mr.  Rancid.  To  mix  up  with  it  large  quantities  of  water.    This  is 

*  Not  to  put  too  fine  a  point  upon  it,  Mr.  Punch  may  as  well  state  that  the  Doctor, 
or  rather  his  extraordinary  work,  called  Adulterations  Detected,  must  be  made  the 
•victim  of  the  mercantile  vengeance  which  these  Dialogues  will  arouse  in  the  British 
Tradesman. 


sugar,  and  the  best  fresh  Epping  (which  thou  wilt  be  able  to  say 
arrived  I  his  day),  will  be  ready  for  our  customers  to-morrow.  I  have  a 
reputation  for  my  delicate  Epping. 

Patts.  And  a  profitable  one,  dear  Sir,  doubtless  ? 

Mr.  Rancid.  Of  upwards  of  one  hundred  per  cent.,  my  good  lad. 
Live,  and  let  live.  (Observes  SCRAPE,  who  hastens  to  swallow  something.) 
Profligate  parish  brat,  whose  destiny  is  the  gibbet,  thou  hast  stolen  a 
piece  of  my  cheese. 

Scrape  (piteonsly).  A  werry  little  bit,  Sir,  and  I  had  no  dinner,  Sir. 

Mr.  Rancid.  Because,  loitering  on  an  errand,  thou  didst  miss  it.  Idle, 
and  a  thief,  how  canst  thou  hope  to  prosper  ?  To-morrow,  I  will  take 
order  that  thou  shalt  be  imprisoned  and  whipped.  To  bed,  PATTS,  my 
good  lad,  for  thou  hast  to  be  astir  with  the  lark. 

Scraps  (bitterly  aside).  A  jolly  lark,  I  don't  think. 

[Weeps,  but  recovering  himself,  with  the  elasticity  of  youth,  fipes  his 
eyes  and  bursts  into  the  now  popular  street  refrain 

"  Black  yer  shoes  and  brush  yer  clothes 
Two  black  eyes  and  a — crimson — nose — 
I  '11  WARM  yer." 

[Goes  to  bed  under  the  counter. 


FEBRUARY  21,  1857.] 


PUNCH,    OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


79 


THE    PRESS    IN    PARIS. 

OXSIEUJI  the  Editor  of  the  Moai- 
tei'.r  des  Hopitai'.v  (according  to 
\\u-.Daily  News]  announced  its 
intention  to  examine  the  question 
of  the  assassin  VERGER'S  in- 
•-:n n'ly,  but  could  not  carry  that 
design  into  effect,  having  been 
forbidden  to  discuss  the  subject. 
In  what  a  state  of  slavery  is  the 
Parisian  press  !  Again,  in  the 
course  of  an  action  against  the 
Lady  Superior  of  the  Picpus 
Convent  of  the  Sam  Cautr,  the 
advocate  for  the  plaintiff  pitched 
into  the  ARCHBISHOP  OF  CHAL- 
OEDOINE,  but  what  the  learned 
gentleman  said  of  the  venerable 
prelate  hath  not  appeared,  be- 
cause the  Government  ordered 
the  journals  not  to  report  the 
case.  Really  they  do  not  manage 
these  matters  in  France  much 
better  than  they  do  here.  In 
England  a  newspaper  is  liable  to 
an  action  for  libel  and  a  verdict 
of  heavy  damages  for  reporting 
proceedings  which  contain  abuse 
of  anybody.  In  France,  things 
are  not  quite  so  bad  as  this ; 
but  the  publication  of  such  in- 
telligence is  prevented.  Thus 
is  the  journalist  deprived  of  the 
liberty  of  printing,  although  he 
may  not  be  punished  for  its 
exercise ;  so  that,  on  the  whole, 
the  Press  experiences  almost  as 
much  hardship  under  a  French 
despotism  as  it  does  at  the  hands  of  a  British  judge  and  jury. 

In  connection  with  the  French  lawsuit  above  _alluded  to  a  remark 
may  be  made,  without  reference  to  the  subject  involved  in  the  fore- 
going observations,  which  will,  perhaps  appear  natural  to  many  of  9ur 
readers.  The  Picpus  Convent  of  the  Sucre  Cceurvras  accused  of  having 
fraudulently  induced  a  person  of  weak  intellect  to  make  a  will  in  its 
favour.  If  this  accusation  is  well  founded,  the  Convent  may,  with  a 
pardonable  licence  of  speech  and  pronunciation,  be  described  as  being 
more  of  the  pickpurse  than  of  the  other  thing. 


REFLECTION  FOR  THE  PEW. 

THE  subjoined  statement  is  made  by  the  correspondent  of  a  Bristol 
paper : — 

"  Selecting  a  book  of  Common  Prayer  in  a  stationer's  shop  in  Bristol  a  few  years 
ago,  I  saw  some  Prayer  Books  having  a  looking-glass  inserted  in  the  inner  side  of 
the  cover.  I  have  no  doubt  that  the  fair  owner  might  be  enabled  to  arrange  her 
hair,  and  admire  herself  during  the  sen-ice." 

This  device  the  writer  stigmatises  as  a  vanity  almost  profane,  but 
perhaps  the  profaneness  lies  merely  at  the  door  of  some  enterprising 
bookseller.  There  is,  moreover,  something  to  be  said  for  looking- 
glasses  in  ladies'  Prayer  Books.  It  is  a  little  better  to  contemplate  the 
reflection  of  one's  own  face  at  church,  than  to  be  looking  about  at  the 
reality  of  other  faces.  Besides,  a  young  lady  may  sometimes  even 
make  a  better  use  of  her  eyes  by  employing  them  in  the  looking-glass 
than  by  keeping  them  fixed  on  the  parson.  The  former  direction  is 
generally  preferable  to  the,  latter,  when  the  reverend  gentleman  is  a 
divine  of  the.  class  commonly  called  pet.  By  the  way,  we  should  like 
to  know  whether  looking-glasses  in  the  inside  of  the  lids  of  religious 
manuals  is  a  vanity  peculiar  to  fair  devotees.  May  not  the  like  vanity 
be,  in  some  instances,  indulged  in  on  the  other  side — on  the  side  of  the 
recipients  of  certain  tributary  slippers,  and  other  like  offerings  of 
fashionable  devotion?  If  all  manuscript — or  lithograph — volumes 
could  be  overhauled,  is  it  not  highly  probable  that  not  a  few  looking- 
glasses  would  be  found  within  the  covers  of  pet  parsons'  sermon-books  ? 


Greenwich  Election. 

LIEUT.-GENERAL  CoDRiNGTON,  with  certain  Government  advantages 
at  his  back,  has  been  returned  for  Greenwich,  against  "COLONEL" 
SLEIGH,  who  demurs  to  the  election,  and  expresses  himself  prepared 
for  further  measures.  It  is  confidently  reported  that  the  Lieut. - 
General's  opponent  is  quite  ready  to  "  file  his  petition." 


LINENDRAPERS'  ANATOMY. 

A  VAGUE  and  indefinite  idea  of  horrors  mingles  in  the  conception, 
generally  entertained,  of  the  unseen  economy  of  a  lincndrapcr's 
establishment.  Close,  ill-ventilated  sleeping-rooms,  an  atmosphere 
tainted  by  the  products  of  the  combustion  of  gas,  the  reek  of  goods, 
and  the  respiration  of  a  number  of  people,  associated  in  the  public 
mind  with  tlie  hidden  arrangements  of  the  house,  suggest  unpleasant 
suspicions  of  disease  and  mortality.  How  will  our  many  readers,  who 
are  haunted  by  such  horrible  imaginings  respecting  linen-drapers'  shops, 
shudder  in  perusing  the  following  advertisement,  extracted  from  the 


WANTED,  in  a  large  Retail  Drapery  Establishment,  a  DISSECTING 
CLERK,  who  thoroughly  understands  his  duties.—  Address,  stating  how  long 
lived  in  last  situation,  and  salary  retired,  K.  45,  at  the  Printer's. 

What?—  can  it  have  C9me  to  this?  Has  the  unhealthiness  .of 
drapery  establishments  arisen  to  such  a  pitch  as  to  give  peculiar 
facilities  to  the  foundation  of  private  schools  of  anatomy  in  connection 
with  them  ?  And  have  their  proprietors  begun  to  derive  a  new  emolu- 
ment from  that  frightful  source  f  No,  no—  the  thought  is  too 
shocking! 

We  think  we  may  venture  to  assure  any  lady,  upon  whose  nervous 
system  the  foregoing  speculations  may  possibly  have  produced  a 
painful  effect,  that  no  anatomical  proceedings  whatever  are  conducted 
in  the  establishment  of  any  draper,  except  such  as  may  be  requisite  in 
regard  to  the  Skeleton  Petticoat.  It  may  be  added,  that  the  increasing 
adoption  of  the  Early  Closing  System  will  go  far  to  remove  any  sup- 
position that  linendrapers  are  in  the  habit  of  doing  anything  more 
dreadful  than  what  is  implied  in  furnishing  funerals  in  the  regular  way 
of  trade,  and  that  their  business  is  of  such  a  nature  as  to  supply  any 
material  for  dissection  in  the  St.  Bartholomew's  sense  of  the  word. 


CANZONET  ON  CRINOLINE. 

BY  A  WTIETCH. 

WHEN  lovely  woman,  hooped  in  folly, 

Grows  more  expansive  every  day, 
And  makes  her  husband  melancholy 

To  think  what  bills  he  '11  have  to  pay : 

When  in  the  width  of  fashion  swelling 
With  air-balloons  her  skirts  may  vie, 

The  truth — (what  hinders  Punch  from  telling  ?)- 
Is  that  she  looks  a  perfect — Guy ! 


A  ROYAL  MASON. 

KING  GEOUGE  THE  FIFTH,  of  Hanover,  (better  known  in  England 
by  his  earlier  title  of  PRINCE  GEOEGE  OP  CUMBERLAND,)  has,  we 
learn,  just  been  made  a  Freemason.  The  gallant  sovereign  is  stated  to 
be  the  first  Continental  monarch  who  has  braved  the  unimaginable 
terrors  of  the  gridiron  and  red-hot  poker ;  but  is  not  understood  to  sit 
less  comfortably  on  his  throne  for  having  condescended  to  join  an 
association  of  his  subjects.  "  The  Craft "  has  little  in  common  with 
Kingcraft,  and  may  read  salutary  lessons  to  a  royal  Apprentice. 
Brother  KING  GEORGE,  Brother  PUNCH,  G.M.,  congratulates  you. 


Another  Insult  to   Scotland. 

MR.  EWART  has  already  given  notice  that  he  intends  to  assimilate 
the  law  affecting  capital  punishments  in  Scotland  with  the  law  in 
England !  The  effect  of  this  insolent  measure  will  be  to  throw  the 
whole  monopoly  of  hanging  into  the  hands  of  the  Southron  CALCHAFT  ! 
If  this  new  insult  fails  to  arouse  all  the  might  and  ire  of  Scotland,  why 
Scotland  must  be  already  dead,  and  hanging  of  no  further  use  or  interest 
to  her.  

TO  THE   COMMONS  OF  ENGLAND. 

WHEN  is  an  M.P.  the  worst  of  M.P.'s  ? 
When  he's  an  M.P.ric. 

(Mr.  Punch  suppresses  the  name  of  the  Member  who  instinctively 
solved  the  question.) 


LIFE   IN   THE   DRAMA 


THERE 
only  last  week 


is  yet  life,  there  is  yet  judgment  in  play-going  people ;  for 
veek,  the  Haymarket  audience  "  damned  "  an  Irishman ! 


NOT  ONE  IN  TWENTY  THOUSAND  ! — The  man  must  be  poor  and 
friendless  indeed,  who,  at  some  period  of  his  life,  hasn't  received  a 
Testimonial  of  some  sort ! 


80 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY   21,    1857. 


HAVING    A    PAIR    ON! 

"Hi! — HOLLO! — WHAT  ARE  YOU  ABOUT? — IT'S  GOINO  INTO  MY  FOOT!' 
Slate  Proprietor.  "  NEVEB  MIND,  SIR  ! — BETTER  'AV  'EM  ON  FIRM  !  " 


THE  SUBGEON'S  WIND. 

THE  Wind  is  North-East— so  let  it  be ! 
The  North-East  Wind  is  the  wind  for  me, 
To  me  it  blows  good  if  to  none  besides  ; 
For  the  boys  on  the  pavement  cut  out  slides, 
And  the  passenger  on  the  hard  flagstones 
Comes  down,  ha.ha !  and  breaks  his  bones. 

I  have  had  a  radius  to  do, 

And  a  compound  fractured  tibia,  too. 

And  that  had  been  scarce  ten  minutes  gone, 

When  iii  came  a  case  of  olecranon. 

There  was  next  a  dislocated  hip, 

Resulting  also  from  a  slip. 

Zymotic  diseases  lend  a  charm 

To  genial  Autumn,  moist  and  warm. 

We  have  Scarlatina  and  Typhus  then, 

And  Cholera  good  for  medical  men : 

But  practice  is  best,  I  always  find, 

In  the  bracing  air  of  the  North  East  Wind. 

When  the  North-Easter  whistles  shrill, 
It  makes  me  think  on  the  little  bill 
To  many  a  patient  that  I  shall  send, 
Whom  that  wind  calls  me  to  attend. 
And  though  its  music  may  seem  severe, 
'Tis  a  strain  to  gladden  a  Surgeon's  car. 


Shameful  Practical  Joke. 

A  TICKET-OF-LEAVE-MAN,  seeing  a  respectable 
old  gentleman  looking  into  a  book-shop  in  Picca- 
dilly, pinned  his  Ticket-of -Leave  on  the  back  of 
the  respectable  old  gentleman,  and  sent  him 
walking  down  the  street  with  that  decoration 
between  his  shoulders. 


THE  SHOE-BLACK  BRIGADE. 

".By  DAY  AND  MARTIN,  this  is  wondrous  strange  !  "— SHAKSPEAEE  (Princess's  Edition). 

THE  EARL  OF  SHAFTESBUHY  has  again  taken  tea  with  his  young 
friends,  the  Shoe-black  boys  of  the  red,  blue,  and  yellow.  The  young 
gentlemen,  who  set  such  a  noble  example  of  self-respect  to  the  younger 
branches  of  the  aristocracy,  assembled  in  St.  Martin's  Hall ;  and  made 
a  brilliant  show.  The  living  DUCHESS  OF  ARGYLL  cast  the  radiance  of 
her  benevolent  face  upon  the  assembly,  and  "  much  admired,"  as  the 
late  MR.  PEPYS,  or  the  present  COLONEL  PHIPPS  would  say,  to  see  the 
boys  drink  their  tea,  and  eat  their  bread  and  butter  and  plum-cake. 
An  Earlor  two  was  also  present  ;,M.P's  as  thick  as  plums;  amongst 
them,  it  was  whispered,  MR.  JOHN  MACGREGOR,  for  Glasgow,  who  had 
come  to  be  especially  polished.  It  was  afterwards  discovered  that  the 
visitor  was  the  MACGREGOR  JAMES,  M.P.  for  Sandwich,  upon  whose 
boots  there  rested  no  speck  of  mud.  The  Church  was  also  excellently 
represented  on  the  occasion ;  and  the  attendance  of  the  ARCHBISHOP 
OF  CANTERBURY  is  hopefully  expected  at  the  next  gathering.  We 
should  have  been  happy  to  record  the  presence  of  several  y"9uiig  gen- 
tlemen from  the  army  •  and  others  from  Oxford  and  Cambridge,  who 
haply; might  have  left  the  meeting  wiser  and  slower  men ;  such  was  the 
general  impression  made  by  the  Shoe-black  Brigade  on  the  feelings  of 
respect  and  esteem  of  the  spectators.  The  appearance  of  the  noys 
was  very  gay.  As  they  clustered  in  their  bright  new  shirts,  a  young 
peeress  playfully  likened  them  to  beds  of  human  tulips,— these  boys 
and  brothers ! 

But  the 
they  owe 


:  boys  may,  in  very  truth,  be  called  the  children  of  light  •  for 
then-  professional  existence  to  the  year  of  the  Great  Exhi- 

j.1  r .     .  .       I  •       _       -£    il_  _      /"I i_l      T»    1      -  Tr    J.L-1 .     IT.  _ 


truths  that  were  uttered  to  them.  Por  LORD  SHAJTESBURY,  as  a  mis- 
sionary of  highways  and  bye-ways,  fever  lodging-houses  and  typhus 
alleys,  lias  learned — (a  greater  achievement  than  to  compass  Sanscrit) — 
to  speak  plain  matter  to  plain  people.  His  Lordship  docs  not  twiddle 
fine  sentences ;  he  does  not  stoop  to  patronise ;  but  just  talks  God's 
simple  truths,  spontaneously  and  freely,  as  God's  air  comes  and 
goes. 

His  Lordship,  however,  ventured  to  touch  the  string  of  human 
ambition  that,  no  doubt,  is  somewhere  in  every  heart,  however  small 


the  object  of  its  vibrations, 
wish:— 


WORDSWORTH'S  shepherd  had  but  one 


"  The  bound  of  all  his  vanity  to  deck 
With  one  bright  bell  a  fav'iite  heifer's  neck." 

Whereas  LORD  SHAFTESBURY  awakened  bolder  thoughts  in  the  bosoms 
of  the  Blacking  Brigade.  His  Lordship  said :  "  They  might  be  Lord 
Chancellor;  Prime  Minister;  for  in  this  free  country  the  noblest 
positions  were  thrown  open  to  all.  He  wished  them  to  be  something 
even  higher,  to  be  chairman  of  even  a  ragged  school  meeting."  Now, 
we  could  wish  that  his  Lordship  had  omitted,  at  the  present  time 
especially,  all  notice  of  the  dignity  of  Chancellor ;  for,  as  the  boys  will 
be,  if  not  already,  studious  readers  of  the  newspapers,  we  do  not  think 
their  ambition  very  likely  to  be  quickened  by  the  example  of  LORD 
CRANWORTH.  Considering  how  long  his  Lordship  has  been  occupied 
in  attempting  to  brush  away  defiling  dirt  and  to  substitute  a  fine 
reflective  polish,  we  fear  that  any  ordinary  blacking-boy  will  deem 
his  Lordship  by  no  means  the  man_  to  emulate.  Now,  it  is  otherwise 
with  the  example  of  the  present  Prime  Minister  before  the  children  of 
original  Crystal.  LORD  PALMERSTON  should  be  considered  as  the 


bition,  to  the  invention  of  the  Crystal  Palace.  If  the  boys,  as  the  ;  beau  ideal  of  the  whole  purpose  and  object  of  the  Blacking  Brigade, 
peeress  prettily  said,  are  tulips,  they  were  assuredly  caused  to  be  |  For,  let  his  Lordship  tumble  into  Fleet  Ditch,  and,  ere  a  blacking-boy 
reared  and  cultivated  by  the  gardener  PAXTON.  And  these  boys,  with  brush  in  hand  could  say  "  bristles,"  his  Lordship  would  somehow 
originally  tilings  of  London  gutter  mud,  and  London  alley  filth,  are  reappear  as  neatly  elegant  as  though  dressed  for  a  wedding-breakfast, 
now .  admirable  living- proofs  of  the  convertible  uses  of  poor  human  with  a  whiff  of  eau  de  miltefleurs  from  his  linen  and  a  moss-rose  in  his 
nature.  Even  as  London  sewage  may  be  converted,  by  the  chemistry  button-hole.  But  this  is  the  wonderful  art  of  PALMERSTON  alone.  He 
of  nature,  into  roses  and  lilies, — so  may  forlorn  ignorance  and  childish  I  has  beautifully  said,  that  all  dirt  was  only  matter  in  a  wrong  place, 
depravity  be  cultivated  into  social  utility  and  refined  to  self-respect.  Thus,  what  would  be  very  noisome  and  filthy  on  a  hearth-rug  would  be 
These  boys  had,  in  the  past  vear,  earned  nearly  £3,000:  averaging  12*.  ministering  to  perfume  and  beauty  about  the  bulbs  of  lilies.  Hence, 
per  week"  for  each  boy. '  They  are  worthy  citizens  of  the  pavement,  i  from  this  time  forward,  PALMERSTON  must  be  the  great  model  for  the 
Industrious,  energetic  little  fellows,  who,  of  their  own  forthright  accord,  T 


take  up  the  freedom  of  London  and  Westminster. 

LORD  SHAFTESBUHY,  as  is  his  wont,  addressed  the  boys  in  words  of 
kindness  and  affection,  exhorting  them  in  plain,  impressive  speech,  to 
a  course  of  honesty  and  a  due  fulfilment  of  their  religious  duties.  The 
responses  of  the  boys  proved  that  they  fully  understood  and  valued  the 


Blacking  Brigade.  Even  as  the  inspired  youth,  giving  utterance  to  a 
great  emotion,  cried — "  And  I,  too,  am  a  painter !  "—so  may  the  earnest 
indomitable  blacking-boy,  blacking  the  highlows  of  some  young  Hebrew 
destined  some  day  to  become  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer,  exclaim, 
looking  upward  in  his  Caucasian  countenance— "And  1,  too,  am  a 
judicious  bottle-holder ! " 


Printed  by  Willism  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Wobnm  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullet  Evans,  ot  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  Went.  Regent's  Park,  both  to  the  Parish  ol  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex. 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  strett,  ia  the  Frecinct  of  Wbitefriars,  in  the  City  of  London,  atid  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of 
London.— SATUBDAT,  February  21, 1857. 


FEBRUARY  28,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


81 


A    BACHELOR-TAX. 

"  MR.  PUNCH, 

"I  VERY  seldom  read  the  papers  except  the  Marriages  and 
the  Murders,  the  Birt  hs  and  the  Accidents  :  but  in  this  dreadful  time 
of  dear  tea,  and  understanding  that  the  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EX- 
CHEQUER has  his  finger  in  everybody's  caddy,  I  was  induced  to  read 
something  about  what  is  called  a  Deputation,— thinking  it  might  affect 
the  black  and  green.  Well,  the  tea-pot  -was  not  at  all  touched  upon ; 
and  not  a  word  about  the  massacre  that  is  going  on  in  Canton,  which, 
sending  up  tea  as  it  does,  brings  home  the  horrors  of  war  to  every- 
body's fireside.  But  there  was  a  subject  upon  which,  as  an  unmarried 
woman,  I  feel  very  strongly— I  allude  to  Bachelors.  For  myself,  I 
feel  if  I  was  a  man  I  should  be  ashamed  of  myself  to  be  a  Bachelor. 
It's  mean  and  cowardly,  and  altogether  sneaking  away  from  that 
position  to  which,  there  can  be  no  doubt  of  it,  Providence  from  the 
first  intended  to  rail  you. 

"  Therefore,  what  I  read  at  the  Deputation  pleased  me  mightily : 
everything  that  goes  with  my  notions  in  print  always  does.  Speaking 
of  the  Income-Tax,  one  of  the  Deputies  told  the  CHANCELLOR  that  he 
knew  hundreds  of  bachelors  living  at  Clubs  (that  ought  every  one  of 
t  hem  to  be  pulled  down,  and  salt  and  mustard  sown  on  the  foundations) 
t  hut  never  paid  the  Income-Tax  at  all,  and  therefore  ought  to  pay  a 
Bachelor-Tax;  and  if  I  had  only  the  laying  of  it  on,  I  can  tell  you  it 
should  be  a  pretty  smart  one. 

"Heaven  knows  !  poor  spinsters  are  taxed — which  is  a  subject  I  will 
not  go  into  at  present,  but  am  quite  ready  to  do  if  provoked — and  why 
not  Bachelors?  Besides,  if  spinsters  are  spinsters,  is  it  altogether 
their  own  fault  ?  I  will  answer  for  myself — certainly  not.  It 's  given 
to  a  man  to  be  allowed  to  ask  where  he  likes ;  yes,  man  may  open  his 
mouth  to  all  the  world  ;  whilst  a  poor  woman  is  expected  to  sit,  with 
her  lips  as  close  as  an  oyster,  and,  whatever  may  be  her  feelings,  to  say 
nothing.  Young  men  may  never  think  of  the  compliment  that's 
frequently  paid  them  ;  but  how  often  are  they  quietly,  silently  chosen 
for  husbands,  whilst— gay  and  heartless— all  the  while. they  know 
nothing  of  the  matter  ? 

"  Now,  Mr.  Punch,  a  man  having  all  these  advantages  over  a  woman, 
— ought  he  not  to  be  brought  down  a  peg  or  two  by  the  tax-gatherer  ? 
And  then  their  impertinence  is,  at  times,  enough  to  make  one's  blood 
run  cold.  You  will  see  a  young  gentleman  look  at  the  wonders  of  the 
creation  before  him  (need  I  say  I  allude  to  my  own  sex  ?)  just  as  if  he  was 
looking  into  a  basket  of  peaches,  and  didn't  know  which  to  pick;  or,  what 
is  worse,  didn't  know  or  care  wnether  he  wanted  a  peach  at  all,  but  still 
just  looked  at  the  fruit  for  the  curiosity  of  the  thing.  Well,  nine 
times  out  of  ten,  he  may — if  so  properly  minded — choose  his  peach ; 
and,  oh  dear !  the  lovely  peaches  I  have  seen  plain  young  gentlemen 
take  to  themselves,  as  if  they  were  only  brought  into  the  world  for 
them  and  nobody  else !  Well,  I  don't  so  much  complain  of  that.  No ; 
but  this.  Of  course  the  gentleman  may  choose  his  peach,  but  whoever 
heard  of  the  peach  choosing  the  gentleman  ?  No :  Sir,  the  peach  may 
be  a  lovely  peach,  with  such  a  velvet  cheek,  and  such  a  tint  and  colour 
on  it, — but  there  it  must  lie,  Sir ;  lie  as  cool  as  it  can  in  its  leaves,  with 
its  heart  melting,  but  with  never  a  tongue  to  say  as  much.  Mr.  Punch, 
— I  am  now — no,  it  matters  not,  and  why  should  I  tell  it — still  I  am  now 
so  many  years  old  •  and  I  myself  unu  once  a  peach  !  I  have  been  gazed 
at ;  I  have  seen  others  selected ;  I  have  not  been  removed  from  my 
basket,  and  the  Jeayes  have  shrivelled  and  gone  yellow— not  positively 
yellow,  but  just  a  little  turned, — but  at  the  present  writing,  and  I  can 
lay  my  hand  upon  my  heart,  and  say  with  no  fault  of  mine— I  am  a 
spinster  peach  f 

"  Which  brings  me  back  to  a  Bachelor-Tax.  And  I  will  say  this  :  if 
a  man  will  not  pay  his  money  in  the  way  of  wedding-rings,  he  ought 
to  pay  it  in  another.  I  look  upon  a  wilful  bachelor  as  a  man  who 
defrauds  the  commerce  of  his  country,  and  robs  the  Government  of 
soldiers  and  sailors.  Such  a  man  is  a  lawful  subject  for  what  I  believe 
is  called  an  impost.  At  such  a  man  I  would  have  every  tax-gatherer 
point  the  finger  of  scorn,— with  a  pen  in  it ! 

"Believing  as  I  do  that  every  sane  man  who  is  single  (if  there  is  such 
a  thing)  is,  at  the  age  of  five-and-twenty,  a  proper  subject  for  the 
marriage  ceremony,  I  would  have  a  graduated  tax,  beginning  at  that 
time,  and  ending  at  sixty— at  sixty  to  be  legally  and  morally  exempt. 
I  haven't  yet  settled  in  my  mind  the  amount  of  tax  to  be  paid  by  the 
bachelor,  but  I  would  have  it  made  a-s  crushing  as  possible  to  bring  it 
as  near  as  it  might  be  to  the  expenses  of  the  holy  state. 

"  Trusting,  Mr.  Punch,  that  you  will  give  the  subject  your  best  con- 
sideration, that  heartless  bachelors  may  be  punished,  and  spinsters 
with  only  too  much  heart  avenged,  I  remain,  your  constant  admiring 

reader>  "INVITA  MINERVA." 


any  longer  bear  it ;   and  that  is,  the  bachelor  flirt,  that  goes  about 
society  like  a  bee  about  a  garden,  and  settles  for  good  and  all  no  where. 

"  Nothing  so  teazing,  Mr.  Punch,  to  a  serious  mind,  as  to  seem  to 
play  with  what  we  've  heard  called  (my  aunt  used  to  name  'em  so)  the 
responsibilities  of  lil'e;  which  the  bachelor  flirt  continually  does,  always 
outraging — as  one  of  our  parlour-bjRrders  says — the  purest  and  the 
holiest  expectations  ! 

"  Now,  Mr.  Punch,  you  're  always  so  good,  and  therefore  do  fix  a 
proper  rate  of  taxes  on  the  bachelor  flirt.  For  instance  : 

How  many  bouquets  ought  to  signify  something  like  a  declaration? 

"  How  many  squeezes  ot  the  wedding-ring  finger  ought  to  go  for 
honourable  intentions  ? 

"  How  many  times  going  on  one  knee,  and  presenting  therefrom  a 
plate  of  cakes,  ought  to  be  taken  as  "  your  slave  for  ever  ?  " 

"  And  none  of  these  intentions  properly  carried  out,  do  name  what 
ought  to  be  the  rate  of  tax  on  the  bachelor  flirt. 

"  We  remain,  dear  Mr.  Punch,  your  affectionate  readers, 

"MARY,  JANE,  AUGUSTA,  MATILDA,  ANNE." 

-Vr.  Punch  prints  the  above  two  letters  from  a  large  number  received 
on  a  question  of  evidently  increasing  interest— a  Bachelor-Tax.  He 
may  possibly  feel  it  his  duty  to  print  two  or  three  other  epistles  on  the 
same  important  subject. 


"  DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, 

"  WE'VE  been  very  much  pleased  with  a  notion  that  we  've 
read  in  the  paper  about  taxing  bachelors ;  which  we  think  delicious  ; 
and— the  wretches !— hope  it  will  be  done.  But  there  is  a  sort  of 
bachelor  who  ought  to  be  taxed  until  he  cried  for  mercy,  and  couldn't 


THE  SWELL'S  DICTIONARY  OF  SNEERING. 

BORE,  *.  (commonly  pronounced  BAW).  Anything  or  anybody  claim- 
ing attention  which  a  Swell  is  disinclined  to  vouchsafe :  whosoever  or 
whatsoever  compels  him  to  think. 

DEMONSTRATIVE,  a.  Expressive,  by  outward  manifestation,  of  any 
emotion  whatever  except  scorn  and  malice. 

DIDACTIC,  a.  Instructive  in  any  particular  wherein  a  Swell  does  not 
want,  or  does  not  wish,  to  be  instructed.  Assertive  of  anything  which 
he  dislikes  to  have  asserted. 

INDIGNATION,  s.  A  real  emotion  of  anger,  mingled  with  contempt 
and  disgust,  excited  by  injustice  or  insult  inflicted  on  oneself. 

VIRTUE,  s.  Bosh.  Vulgar  sentiment  cherished  by  the  middle  classes. 

VIRTUOUS,  a.  Unreal,  fictitious,  vulgarly  sentimental,  snobbish. 

VIRTUOUS  INDIGNATION,  a.  and  i.  An  unreal  and  inconceivable 
emotion  of  anger  with  which  some  people  pretend  that  they  are  affected 
by  injustice  or  insult  inflicted  on  others.  See  VIRTUE  and  VIRTUOUS. 


The  Silent  Shell. 

A  Purr  in  the  corner  of  a  Newspaper,  pretending  to  be  a  critical 
paragraph,  commences  with  the  statement  following : — 

"  The  narrative  of  ADMIRAL  NAPIER'S  Baltic  Campaign  has  burst  upon  the  politi- 
cal and  naval  world  like  a  bombshell." 

Yes;  very  much  like  one  of  those  bombshells  which  the  gallant 
Admiral  poured  into  Cronstadt.  The  explosion  has  made  a  wonder- 
fully small  noise. 


VOL.  XXXII. 


83 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  28,  1857. 


VERMIN    IN    PRINT. 

E  have  for  some  time  been 
pretty  free  .from  the  vermin 
of  the  press  ;  the  Wakeful 
Weasels  and  the  Penny  Pole- 
cats sent  forth  to  use  their 
wicked  teeth,  and  exhale 
their  filthy  odour  to  the 
hurt  and  discomfort  of  timid, 
decent  people.  However,  we 
have  now  a  thin"— let  us 
call  it  the  Carrion  Fly— pub- 
lished by  WILLIAM  MANGE, 
Jux.;  who  lias  been  duly 
consigned  to  gaol,  with  the 
notorious  BUGDALE,  for  the 
dirtiness  of  publication.  MR. 
JUSTICE  COLEKIDGE  required 
bail  in  the  sum  of  £100 ;  but 
somehow,  sureties  for  the 
precious  MANGE  were  not 
forthcoming  at  so  costly  a 
risk.  Heuce,  MANGE  is 
under  a  lock. 

PRINCE  ALBERT,  in  an 
after-dinner  speech,  once 
declared  constitutional  in- 
stitutions to  be  upon  their 
t  rial.  Well,  for  our  own  part — though  we  have  an  inborn  reverence 
for  the  British  Constitution,  the  Bill  of  Rights,  habeas  corpus,  and 
all  the  liberties  indigenous  to  the  British  soil — we  are  now  and  then 
apt  to  yearn  for  the  exercise  of  a  little  judicious  despotism ;  to  be 
especially  administered  in  the  attempted  reformation  of  satyrs  like  BUR- 
DALE,  of  mandrils  like  MANGE.  The  publisher  of  the  Carrion  Fly  will, 
doubtless,  in  due  season  be  remitted  to  the  care  of  the  Governor  of 
Coldbath  Fields.  He  will  there  be  inducted  into  the  process  of  oakum- 
teazing.  Very  good.  But  not  even  the  sanative  tar  can  cleanse  the 
dirty  fingers  of  the  dirty  publisher  who  seeks  his  daily  bread  in  daily 
filth,  in  daily  slander. 

Now,  by  means  of  a  little  gentle  despotism,  we  would  have  MANGE, 
in  a  manner  made  to  live  upon  his  publication  even  in  gaol.  As 
thus  :  To  his  morning  gruel  should  be  added  one  or  two  copies  at  least 
of  the  Carrion  fly  reduced  to  pulp,  which  MANGE  shoidd  be  compelled 
to  swallow,  on  pain  of  no  gruel  whatever.  Granting  that  the  pulp  may 
be  a  little  insipid,  or,  from  the  taint  of  the  bad  printer's  ink,  a  little 
acrid, — we_  wouldj  allow  it  to  be  further  seasoned  with  a  judicious 
mixture  of  hyssop-juice  and  vinegar.  As  black-beetles  are  killed  with 
poisoned  wafers,  so  would  we  physic  the  vermin  of  the  press  with  the 
poison  of  their  own  prints. 


,     NELSON  AND  THE  NATION. 

IT  was  stated  in  the  House  the  other  night,  that  the  completion  of 
the  NELSON  Column  (which  was  entrusted  to  the  Government  in  1841), 
had  been  delayed  solely  by  the- want  of  money;  and  that  although  the 
sum  which  was  required  would  not  exceed  £5000,  "  it  was  not  thought 
desirable  "  just  now  to  apply  for  it.  In  other  words,  the  nation,  as  the 
world  well  knows,  is  thoroughly  hard  up,  and  cannot  yet  afford  to  pay 
its  debt  of  honour,  although  it  has  already  taken  rather  more  than 
half  a  century's  credit.  No  wonder  that  the  CimsliMioiinel  should 
talk  of  English  pauperism !  Nor  that  other  amiable  dovesquills  on  the 
Continent  should  speak  of  our  "declining  power,"  when  to  raise 
£5000  is  thought  by  Government  to  be  beyond  it  ! 

All  tilings  considered,  it  is  fortunate  for  our  credit  that  the  wish  of 
the  more  thoughtless  of  us  was  not  realised  in  the  late  war,  and  that 
the  navy-list  failed  to  produce  a  "  Second  NELSON."  We  should 
otherwise  have  been  plunged  still  more  inextricably  into  debt ;  for,  of 
course,  a  century  or  so  hence  we  should  have  voted  him  a  column : 
and  equally  of  course,  having  only  just  completed  the  present  one,  the 
nation  being  then  as  now  upon  the  very  brink  of  bankruptcy,  would 
have  been  told  by  its  advisers  that  it  "  was  not  desirable  "  to  pay  its 
debts  at  present. 

"  As  You  Were  "   in  Prance. 

IN  a  speech  otherwise  intelligible  enough,  the  EMPEROR  OF  THE 
FRENCH  is  reported  to  have  informed  the  Chambers  that— 

"  The  rivers  of  France,  like  the  revolution,  return  to  their  bed  that  they  may 
never  more  issue  from  it." 

This  simile  appears  to  signify  that  revolution  in  France,  like  the 
inundations,  is  ultimately  to  subside  into  the  old  state  of  things. 
This  declaration  on  the  part  of  NAPOLEON  THE  THIRD  must  be  rather 
good  news  to  the  COUNT  DE  CIIAMBORD. 


LORD  BROUGHAM  AT  CANNES. 

THE  papers  tell  us  that  LOKD  BROUGHAM  has  left  London  for 
Cannes.  And  for  this  good  reason.  His  lordship  would  avoid  the 
cold  winds  of  the  next  two  mouths ;  and  so  return  to  the  Lords,  again 
to  ply  that  well-worn  historic  broom  among  the  cobwebs  of  law,  fighting 
as,  for  almost  fifty  years  he  has  fought,  the  spiders  of  abuse.  There 
was  a  time  when  HARRY  BROUGHAM  would  have  set  his  teeth 
against  a  tornado,  giving  it  something  stronger  than  it  brought ;  but 
even  giants  feel  the  touch  of  time,  and  disdainfully  think,  but  still 
must  think,  of  flannel  and  the  east  wind.  And  so  BROUGHAM  hies  from 
smoky  Westminster  and  the  muddy  Thames  to  sapphire-bright  Cannes, 
and  the  deep-blue  Mediterranean.  And  there— it  is  the  hope  of  Punch, 
—of  Punch,  who  in  his  day  has  had  his  joke  with  the.  giant,  but  still  a 
joke  with  no  abatement  of  reverence— there  may  the  great  law- 
reformer,  the  great  national  schoolmaster,  amid  orange  groves,  and 
beneath  an  unclouded  heaven,  find  health  and  strength  visit  him  with 
their  best  influences.  There  may  his  blood  run  cleaiiy  and  sparklingly ; 
and  there,  whilst  March  winds  bite  sharp  British  attorneys  to  the 
bones,  there  may  gentle  gales  impart  another  freshness,  a  newer  vigour 
to  the  brain  of  the  great  man  who,  for  two-score  years  and  more,  has 
wrestled  with  ignorance  and  wrong,  and  again  and  again  trod  them 
howling  in  the  dust !  The  labours  of  BROUGHAM  have  made  him  in  his 
old  age  almost  a  sacred  man  among  men.  It  is  well  that  we  should 
look  reverently,  tenderly  towards  the  light  that  still  remains  to  the 
world ;  a  light  that  may  burn  the  longer  that  it  burns  sometime  in  a 
gentle  air ;  a  light,  too  precious  to  be  carelessly  visited  by  an  east 
wind,  even  though  blowing  in  hallowed  Westminster. 


THE  CIRCLE  OF  FASHION. 

A  COMMISSION  is  to  be  shortly  appointed  by  Government  to  take 
the  exact  measurement  of  the  Circle  of  Fashion.  A  prize  of  a  very 
large  amount  will  be  awarded  to  the  clever  mathematician  who  suc- 
ceeds in  ascertaining  the  right  dimensi9ns.  Several  old  Calculating 
Boys,  who  have  grown  grey  in  endeavouring  to  measure  the  Quadrature 
of  the  Circle,  are  hard  at  work  upon  the  problem ;  but  very  little  hopes 
are  entertained  of  their  succeeding,  as  the  present  Modes  de  Paris  have, 
in  width  and  extravagance,  completely  outgrown  the  recollection  of  the 
oldest  JENKINS  on  the  fashionable  press,  and  are  diametrically  opposed 
to  anything  that  has  hitherto  appeared  in  any  one  of  the  numerous 
Circles  of  Fashion. 

THE  MISERIES  OF  A  WHITE  NECX-CLOTH. 

Good-Looking  Swell.  I  declare  I  never  will  wear  a  white  neckcloth 
again ! 

Ills  Facetious  Friend.  Ha !  I  suppose,  my  dear  fellow,  if  the  truth 
were  known,  that  some  one  has  been  mistaking  you  for  the  waiter  ? 

Good-Looking  Swell.  No,  Sir,  it  was  a  thousand  times  worse  than 
that,  for  an  ugly  old  maid  began  making  sentimental  love  to  me  under 
the  delusion,  I  really  believe,  that  I  was  a  pet  parson !  I  suspected 
c.very  minute  that  she  would  be  asking  nie  to  send  her  my  measure- 
ment for  a  pair  of  embroidered  braces  ! 


"  Give   your   Orders  !   The  Waiter 's    in  the  Eoom." 

FROM  the  Times'  account  of  the  recent  Ordens-Fest  at  Berlin  it 
appears  that  KING  CLICQUOT  manages  to  keep  some  550,000  courtiers, 
soldiers,  and  employes  happy  on  very  poor  pay,  at  the  cost  of  £3848  per 
annum  in  stars,  crosses,  medals,  and  cits  of  ribbon.  We  often  hear  of 
people  being  held  by  the  button ;  official  Prussia  appears  to  be  held  by 
the  button-hole. 

TRANSLATION   OF  A   PROVERB  BY  A   GENTLEMAN  WHOSE   CLASSICAL 
EDUCATION   MUST   SURELY   HAVE  BEEN   MUCH  NEGLECTED. 

"  Sic  transit  gloria  mundi ! " 
Thank  goodness,  washing  day  is  over  ! 

A  Fruity  Anecdote. 

JUSTICE  MELLOW  dearly  loved  his  glass  of  port.  When  a  more  than 
usually  good  bottle  was  brought  up,  he.  would  smack  his  lips,  and 
exclaim,  with  the  greatest  gusto,  "Come,  my  boys,  this  is  none  saw- 
dusty  ! " — The  Old  Gentleman's  Magazine. 

A  HOME  TRUTH  FOR  THE  HOME  OFFICE.— Our  legislators  cannot 
well  express  themselves  surprised  at  the  failure  of  the  Ticket-of-Leave 
system.  Any  man  of  business  W9uld  have  told  them  that  "early 
returns  "  are  commonly  attended  with  "  small  profits." 

REMARKABLE  FUSION.— DISRAELI  and  GLADSTONE,  in  their  present 
state  of  alliance,  are  not  to  be  thought  small  beer  of.  At  leasLthey 
have  entered  into  a  combination  which  may  be  entitled  Double  Ex. 


FEBRUARY 

28, 

1857.] 

PUNCH, 

Oil 

THE 

LONDON 

CHARIVARI. 

PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

FEBRUARY  10™.  Monday '.  In  the  Lords,  "honourable  mention" 
was  made  of  MB.  SIIEKPSHANKS,  who  has  presented  Ins  magnificent 
collection  of  piclmcs  to  the  nation,  on  the  simple  condition  that  a 
building  shall  be  erected  at  Kensington  to  hold  them.  He  modestly 
adds  a  "wish"  that  the  Exhibition  should  be  open  to  the  working 
classes  on  Sundaj  evenings.  As  the  Government  have  violated  the 
only  condition  imposed  by  MR.  TURNER  m  bequeathing  his  works  to 
the  country,  it  is  not  probable  that  they  will  be  more  conscieutious 
with  regard  to  Mi;.  SIH.I.I'SHANKS.  We  have  got  his  deed  ot  gilt,  and 
he  can't  help  himself,  hooray  ! 

The  Commons  kicked  Mil.  JAMES  SADI.EIR  (member  for  Tipperary 
county)  out  of  the  House,  for  fraudulent  practices.  There  was  no 
division,  and  therefore  the  public,  and  more  especially  Glasgow,  had  no 


Mr.  Punch  presents  his  compliments  to  the  public,  and  lira's  to 
tender  his  sincere  congratulations  upon  the  fact  that  MB,  SPOONBR's 
motion  against  Miiynooth  was  promptly  got  rid  of  this  Thursday 
evening.  After  a  few  volleys  of  mud  from  the  ultras  on  both  sidrs, 
and  a  little  easy-going  sophistry  from  men  who  felt  that  the  topic 
should  bo  dropped,  MR.  SPOON EK  was  defeated  by  167  to  159. 

LORD  PAI.MKHSTIIX  gave  some  technical  reasons  why  COLONEL 
TULLOCH  had  not  hi  ted  for  his  Crimean  services.  These 

reasons  of  course  \\eielhe  most  everlasting  humbug;  but  it  would  not 
do  for  him  to  say  that  the  Horse  (inartf.  insisted  on  snubbing  the  man 
who  had  done  so  much  to  expose  the  blockheads  who  destroyed  an 
army. 

Friday.  That  furious  ultra-radical,  the  EAKL  OF  STANHOI-E,  made  a 
proposal  (and  actually  carried  it )  for  giving  more  publicity  to  the  pro- 
ceedings of  the  Lords,  especially  by  printing  the  UUBM  anil  numbers 

, j...™,,  ___ —  on  di\  i-ions.     Several  of  the  inferior  officers  of  the  House  fainted  away 

opportunity  of  seeing  MR.  JOHN  MACGREGOH   late  governor  ot  t  <    .(|  |)iis  .(bm.sation  of  dignity,  and  were  so  weak  throuehoul   the  re- 
I'.ntish    Bonk,  record  Ins  vote. in  testimony  of  lus  high-mmdcd  and  .  mainder  of  the  bricfsitlil  1R  as  1o  bc  mlucc,i  ,0  ]llakl.  tolerably  civil 
,,1  indignation  against  such  persons  as  SADLEIR     lh<  •  •  Wlswers  to  grangers.    Ollo  Of  these  oilieials  actually  wed  the  word 


i  r;tu  v-imij-;iu u    mvn^nn.n'ju.    «o«...^«     ~  — —    x- .    .  .  "i    j    a 

House  soon   rose,  but  a^  false  alarm  that  the  opposition  ^intended  to 


slonn  the  Treasury  benches  cost  MR.  HAYTER  some  violent  whipping 
and  ministerial  members  some  violent  language  against  the  faithful 
«  ho  had  needlessly  summoned  them  from  pleasure  to  duty. 

I  ,OKD  GRANVII.I.E  did  not  believe  that  ADMIRAL  SEYMOUR 
Imd  been  proceeding  to  conciliate  the  Canton  people  with  red  hot  shot. 
The  Liiiin  CHAM  r.u.nu  announced  seven  bills  for  consolidating  the 


memory  of  the 


replying 
the  oldc 


to  a  gentleman,   a  phenomenon  not  within  the 
est  haljitin'  of  the  chamber. 


In  the  Commons  the  Battle  of  the  Budget  began.  MR.  DISRAELI 
and  MR.  GLADSTONE,  two  grnt Irnicu  who  conceive  themselves  mise- 
rably misplaced — the  one  on  the  wrong  side  of  the  Speaker,  and  the 
other  on  the  second  row  below  the  gangway— delivered  themselves  of 
attacks  upon  the  Government  scheme  of  finance.  MR.  DISRAELI  thought 


criminal  law.     LORD  BROUGHAM  said,  sensibly  enough, _that  to  pass   that  the  whole  Income-Tax  ought  to  be  now  taken  off,  because  taking 
a  digest  of  law  through  Parliament  was  absurd.    Let 
first-class  lawyers  and  adopt  their  work.    CRANWORTH 


promised  his  seven  bills  "perhaps  at  the  end  of  the  week."  It  is 
needless  to  say  that  nothing  more  had  been  heard  of  them  when  the 
Lords  rose  on  Friday. 


thrni   employ  i  off  the  Ninepencc  would  leave  a  deficiency,  which  would1  render  it 
,  by  the  way,    impossible  to  remove  the  rest  of  the  tax  in  1860;  and  MR-  GLADSTONE, 


who  possesses  a  good  deal  more  capability  of  argument, urged  "economy, 
which  is  doubtless  a  good  thing,  but  which,  recommended  by  one  of 
the  statesmen  who  starved  the  war  with  Russia,  has  a  meaning  rather 


SIE  CHARLES  WOOD  said  that  tlie  Government  had  not  decided  distasteful  to  the  public,  who  had  to  pay  awfully  for  ABERDEEN 
whether  thej  would  send  a  new  expedition  to  the  Arctic  regions,  and  stinginess.  Mr.  Punch  always  desires  to  do  justice,  and  will  therefore 
that  the  Resolute  had  not  been  pulled  to  pieces.  LORD  PALMERSTON  add,  that  MR.  DISRAELI  omitted  all  pyrotechnics  in  dealing  with  a 
refused  toirive  Mil.  Cm 'IIUANE  any  information  as  to  Naples,  unless  grave  subject,  and  that  MR.  GLADSTONE'S  oratorical  power  has  seldom 
BAILLIE  would  say  that  he  represented  BOMIU.  There  was  talk  this  j  been  more  vigorously  put  forth  than  in  the  vindication  of  his  own 
evening  and  on  Friday  about  the  Megtera  frigate,  supposed  to  have  j  financial  system.  SIR  GEORGE  LEWIS  and  MR.  WILSON  made  the 
been  sent  out  leaky,  but  the  only  good  that  was  got  by  the  debate  was  formal  defences,  but  bigger  guns  were  reserved  for  the  final  struggle. 

,1  -Hi'        IT  1        _P     il.  -        A    J.-.;.-_li_.  i1nfl»\if«     /inn          m<  11.  T  11  • «-_         T •»  «•  . _tf     O--_J  —  ~-T- 


1    ,  I  IV  *   ,      I  M  MXMJLJ      JjW>-"  t*"     »""     VJ       •—•»•     — 

t  he  First  Lord  of  the  Admiralty  gaining,  at  length,  a  definite  oon- 
A  ict  ion  that  there  was  a  difference  between  a  ship's  bows  and  her 
bottom.  SIR  C's  enlightenment  was  effected  by  SIR  JOHN  PAKING- 
TON,  who  has  of  late  given  much  attention  to  the  best  means  of  impart- 
ing instruction  to  helpless  persons.  LORD  PALMERSTON  obtained  a 
select  committee  on  Election  Bribery,  HENRY  BERKELEY  deriding, 
and  MR,  HOKSMAN  brought  in  a  Bill  for  the  abolition  of  the  oppressive 
custom  of  taking  tolls  at  turnpikes  in  Ireland,  Again  the  House  was 
up  before  dinner-time. 

Wednesday.  SIR  JOHN  PAKINOTON  introduced  an  Education  Bill. 
He  described  it  as  neither  compulsory  nor  general,  and  nothing  worse 
can  be  said  against  such  a  measure.  But  there  is  no  immediate  hope 


The  debate  was  adjourned  by  MR.  JAMES  MACGREGOR  of  Sandwich. 
(N.B.  Copy  this  address,  to  prevent  painful  mistake.)  j 


THE  LATE  PRESTON  BROOKES. 

THE  man  who  struck  down  SOMNERS  is  himself  levelled.  Almost  as 
suddenly  has  death  assailed  and  beaten  the  champion  of  the  slave-whip 
and  the  slave-coflle.  The  members  of  Congress  wear  black  about  their 
arms  for  three  months  in  memory  of  the  departed  BROOKES.  MR. 
SoMNERSj  in  memory  of  BROOKES,  has  worn  black  a  little  longer.  But 
the  man  is  gone  to  his  account,  where  we  hear  of  no  distiucti9n  of 
skin,  and  where  even  PRESTON  BROOKES  may  be  on  a  level  with  a 

3  triumph  of  BROOKES.  A  short 
were  in  many  ways  recording 


of  the  sort  of  legislation  required,  for  two  hostile  parties   unite  to  !  skin,  and   . 

hinder  it  The  Church  party,  English  and  Scotch,  will  permit  no  Papuan  nigger.  Very  brief  has  been  the  triumph  of  BROOKES.  A  short 
education  unless  the  priest  prescribe  it,  and  the  Liberals  insist  upon  j  while  ago,  and  grateful  slave-owners  were  m  many  ways  recording 
to  leal  e  it-  to  a  parent  to  say  whether  his  children  their  gratitude  to  their  champion.  A  short  while  since,  and  how  many 
shall  be  taught  or  not  The  Hill  is  meritorious  in  intention,  but  will  were  the  gold-headed  canes  sent  to  BROOKES?  Canes  ot  testimony, 
be  of  little  'avail.  The  wisdom  of  the  Legislature  prefers  building  ^  "<™  >'«  ««™™«  M™**  <™«  *"  St.™  ' 
gaols  to  building  schools. 

Thi'i-xday.  LORD  DERBY  save  notice  of  his  intention  to  throw  squib; 
into  the  Cabinet ,  ii/ifniifis  of  the  bombardment  of  Canton ;  and  LORD 


IE  proposed  a  resolution  condemnatory  of  our  system  of 
.eminent  in  India.    The  DUKE  or  ARGYLL   replied    that  things 
had  been  bad  there,  but  were  mended,  and  that,  general  abuse  was 
unpractical.    What  particular  business  CLANMCARDE  has  with  India 
hardly  knows,  except  that  his  father-in-law,  GEORGE  CAN  MM., 
ebnt  did  not  go  out  as  Governor-General,  and  that  his  son, 
\NNING,  singularly  misconducted  himself  there,  a  p< 
which  Mr.  Punch  specially  alludes  for  the  sake  of  also  rxiurssing  his 
satisfaction  at  reading  that  this  young  fellow  (best  known  as  LORD 
DUNKELLIN),  performed  an  act  of  real  because  rational  gallantry  in 
i  he  1'ersian  expedition. 

In  the  Commons.  SIR  GEORGE  GREY  promised  a  Bill  for  reforming 
the  Corporation  of  London ;  but  assigned  as  a  reason  for  delay,  the 
fact  that  the  LORD  MAYOR  and  Common  Council  had  been  passing 
resolut  ions  on  the  subject .  This  kind  of  excuse  is  very  characteristic  of 
SIR  GEORGE.  MR.  LOCKK  KIM.  minted  for  leave  to  bring  in  a  small 
Reform  Bill,  which  was  to  make  the  franchise  for  counties  the  same  as 
in  boroughs.  Loi;n  I'U.MKKSTOX  opposed  it — as  opposed  to  our  theory 
of  representation — LORD  JOHN  KUSSKLL  supported  it,  stating  that  the 
country  did  not  require  any  large  measure  of  reform  jusl  now.  SIR 
JAKES  GRAHAM,  IVtliic,  supported  it,  and  MR.  SIDNEY  HERBERT, 
Peelitc,  opposed  it  ;  and  on  the  division  the  Government  was  placed  in 
the  peculiarly  enviable  position  that  it  would  have  been  beaten  by  its 
own  men,  had  not  the  Conservatives  come  to  the  rescue,  and  saved  it 
by  192  against  179. 


And  now  has  BROOKES  himself  gone  to  Styx ! 


DISAPPOINTMENT ! 

"HERE,  ALPHONSE  take  away  this  canvas." 

So  spoke  AGNES,  of  Spanish  Chesnut  Place,  Manchester  Square, 
leaned  anxiously  forward.  I  thought  the  lovely  creature  had  been 
dipping  her  pretty  shell-pink  fingers  into  the  Canal  of  Venice,  or 
had  been  giving  the  last  stroke  of  execution  to  some  ferocious  Bandits 
her  precious  moments  in  the  vain  pursuit  of 


or  wasting 


pMi~-  <fe  Sg(/  uf  Haroflj  \mt  no-inst.ead  of  some  fascinating  copy 
fnm)  ^  h,(,lllin,/  ,r(llio'  of  Nature,  or  some  poetic  transcript  from 
^  many.tintcd  |a*el  of  Fancv>  my  astonished  eyes  rested  on  a  vulgar 
poodle-dog,  with  a  long  knitting-needle  stuck  through  its  curly  tail,  that 
was  resting  on  a  cushion  in  the  middle  of  a  large  Berlin  Wool  frame ! 


M\I.  SPOONER'S  ANNUAL  DEBATE. 
MAYNOOTH  comes  but  once  a  year, 
But  when  it  comes  it  is  severe. 


Livery  Looking  Up. 

BY  accounts  received  from  Athens  we  learn  that,  f9r  one  of  the 
Financial  Commissioners  who  are  to  be  established  in  that  City, 
"  France  has  named  M.  DE  PLUCH,  who  is  represented  as  being  a  ver\ 
able  person."  One  would  have  thought  that  M.  DE  PLUCK  was  less 
adapted  for  a  public  office  than  for  a  domestic  situation. 


THE  BEST  RUN  OF  THE  SEASON. 

Master  (with pumped-out  horse).  "  COOTOTIND  THAT  EASCALLT  BOY!   WHERE  CAN  HE  HAVE  GOT  TO  WITH  MY  SECOND  HOESE?" 

<C 


v/>?>W*AWw. 

>J  /J  .-*sJ!5i=^s*ass= 


(with  delightfully fresh  animal).  "On  DEAB!   WHAT  A  BEAUTIFUL  THING!   /  WONDER  WHERE  MASTER  CAN  BIS?"  » 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY  23,  1857. 


DlS— ELI. 


G— DS— E. 


THE  BALANCING  BROTHERS  OF  WESTMINSTER. 


FEBRUARY  28,  1S57.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


87 


THE  :ANTI.CBINQLINE  ASSOCIATION  (LIMITED). 

Is  with  no  less  pride  than 
pleasure  we  announce  the 
Fact  that,  fired  with  philan- 
thropy and  watered  with  the 
tears  of  joy  and  gratitude  of 
gentlemen  in  general,  and 
their  own  husbands  in  par- 
ticular, a  number  of  noble- 
minded  and  self-sacrificing 
ladies  have  associated  for 
procuring  the  collapse  of 
Crinoline,  and  imposing  some 
restraint  upon  feminme  ex- 
travagance. AVe  understand 
that  for  this  purpose  it  is 
proposed  forthwith  to  send  a 
deputation  to  the  EMIMIKSS 
Of  THE  FRENCH,  to  whom, 
as  Queen  of  the  Fashions, 
it  is  believed  we  mainly  owe 
the  wide  dresses  which  are 
now  in  vogue,  and  the  long 
bills  which  as  husbands  we 
are  forced  to  pay  for  them. 
By  pointing  out  the  suffer- 
ings both  in  purse  and  person 
which  have  been  caused  by 
Crinoline,  it  is  hoped  her 
Majesty  may  be  induced  to  break  off  her  adhesion  to  it,  and  conduct 
her  fashionable  government  upon  principles  more  moderate.  If  this 
be  granted,  we  may  look  upon  the  air-expanded  petticoat  as  being 
quite  [exploded,  for  the  game  of  follow-my-leader  is  nowhere  played 
more  regularly  than  in  the  highest,  or  we  now  should  say  the  broadest, 
fashionable  circles. 

In  case,  however,  of  the  failure  of  the  deputation,  it  is  proposed  to 
set  on  foot  a  Female  Temperance  Society,  in  which  ladies  of  confirmed 
intemperance  in  dress  may  enrol  themselves  as  members,  and  take  the 
pledge  against  extravagance.  Lecturers  will  be  despatched  throughout 
the  kingdom  to  advocate  the  cause  of  soberness  in  feminine  attire,  and 
will  each  be  attended  by  a  travelling  assistant,  who  will  exhibit  herself 
nightly  as  a  "  frightful  example  "  of  the  now  besetting  vice  of  over- 
dressing. Statistics  will  be  furnished  of  the  fortunes  which  are  lost  in 
following  the  fashion,  and  of  the  families  who  have  been  reduced 
because  the  petticoats  have  not  been :  and  whose  present  narrowness 
of  means  has  mainly  been  induced  by  the  wideness  of  their  dresses. 
And,  moreover,  illustrations  will  be  brought  in  the  pictures  of  our 
ancestresses,  whose  costumes  we  were  used  to  think  the  breadth  of 
absurdity,  and  only  fit  to  figure  in  the  broadest  of  broad  farces ;  but 
which  it  will  be  shown  by  comparative  anatomy  were  structures  far 
less  monstrous  than  those  which  have  been  raised  by  their  criuolineal 
descendants. 


Jons-  KrssKLL,  who  I  don't  believe  can  be  a  clever  man  at  all,— why, 
there  looks  to  be  nothing  of  him— and  I  could  just  see  my  dear  LORD 
PALMERSTON  for  a  moment  as  he  came  up  the  place  to  his  seat ;  but 
of  all  the  insulting  holes  to  thrust  ladies  into,  where  they  can  scarcely 
see  or  be  seen,  and  hear  very  badly,  that  grated  hutch  is  the  worst  I 
ever  saw.  I  would  not  keep  rabbits  there. 

"The  talking  was  all  about  the  Budget,  and  it  might  all  have  been 
said  in  half-an-hour,  though  when  we  came  away  they  had  been  at  it 
for  hours.  How  MR.  GLADSTONE  can  go  on  for  such  a  time,  never 
stopping,  and  never  seeming  at  a  loss  for  a  word,  I  cannot  imagine. 
:Ie  talked  for  two  hours  and  a  half,  and  I  thoroughly  agree  in  all  that 
ic  said ;  and  if  you  come  to  consider,  it  is  a  shame  to  have  any  taxes 
upon  the  poor  old  people's  tea  and  sugar.  AVhy  not  take  it  oK  such 
hiugs  as  those,  and  lay  it  on  double  and  treble,  and  twice  that,  if  you 
ike,  upon  men's  cigars' and  racehorses,  and  especially  upon  liquors  of 
.ill  kinds,  which  it  would  be  a  very  good  thing  to  discourage  the  drink- 
ng,  for  you  can  never  take  up  a  newspaper  without  finding  that  some 
very  shocking  thing  has  been  done  by  persons  under  the  influence  of 
drink ;  and  if  you  made  it  so  dear  that  they  could  not  buy  it, 
here  would  be  nothing  tyrannical  in  that,  and  half  the  crimes 
would  not  be  committed,  especially  those  against  poor  women 
md  children.  MR.  GLADSTONE  perfectly  convinced  me  that  he  was 
.mite  right,  and  though  I  could  not  see  LORD  PALMERSTOIT,  I  am 
certain  that  he  must  have  been  convinced  also,  and  that  he  made  up 
:u's  mind  to  vote  against  that  stupid  CHANCELLOR  or  THE  EXCHEQUER, 
who  is  always  doing  stupid  things,  and  I  read  of  him  only  the  other 
morning  that  he  had  brought  in  three  bills  into  the  House  of  Lords, 
about  divorce  and  other  matters,  and  proved  that  he  did  not  under- 
stand them  the  least  bit  in  the  world.  A  person  who  would  impose 
taxes  upon  a  poor  old  creature's  tea  and  sugar,  when  you  know  that 
these  are  almost  the  only  comforts  they  have,  and  I  wonder  how  you 
would  like  to  be  obliged  to  give  up  your  pale  ale,  and  your  claret,  and 
your  iced  punch,  and  your  gin  slings,  and  have  no  comfort  but  tea, 
and  that  to  be  taxed,  I  say  that  I  quite  agree  with  the  Timet,  that  snch 
a  man  is  quite  unfit  to  be  LORD  CHANCELLOR.  As  for  his  speech  last 
night,  it  had  nothing  whatever  to  do  with  the  question,  and  I  did  not 
listen  to  a  single  word  of  it.  I  was  very  sorry  that  SIR  BULWER  LYTTON 
did  not  speak,  but  I  suppose  that  his  mind  is  far  too  great  to  descend 
to  such  rubbish  as  they  were  talking.  Fancy  a  man  who  could  write 
Zanoni  condescending  to  debate  whether  tea  shall  be  one  and  three- 
pence or  one  and  sixpence  !  There  ought  to  be  clerks  and  such  kind 
of  people  kept  to  settle  such  trash,  and  the  clever  men  ought  only  to 
discuss  noble  subjects  like  wars,  and  alliances,  and  the  marriages  of 
kings  and  queens. 

"  But  the  more  I  see  the  more  I  am  convinced  that  men  are — I  wish 
I  might  use  the  word— it  begins  with  H.  I  am  certain  of  it.  Talk, 
talk,  talk,  I,  I,  I,  gabble,  gabble,  gabble  round  and  round  subjects, 
which  they  could  settle  at  once  if  they  were  not  thinking  of  something 
and  somebody  else,  beside  the  matters  they  pretend  to  be  minding. 
Humbugs ! — there — it 's  out,  and  now  scold  away  at 

"  Your  affectionate 


MAEY  ANN'S  NOTIONS. 

"  Now,  if  you  please,  my  dear  Mr.  Punch,  I  think  I  have  got  some- 
thing to  say  to  which  you  will  hardly  dare  to  fasten  any  of  those  ridicu- 
lous little  notes  of  yours,  which  I  know  are  meant  good-naturedly 
enough,  but  which  I  do  not  think  it  is  quite  fair  to  add  to  what  one  ot 
your  contributors  sends  you.  Let  the  readers  find  out  what  is  wrong 
in  what  I  say  (if  there  is  anything,  which  of  course  I  deny),  and  do  not 
you  be  so  inconsistent  as  to  print  a  thing  in  your  columns,  and  then 
try  to  show  that  it  ought  not  to  be  there  at  all. 

"  I  have  been  to  Parliament.  Papa  took  LIZZY  HAMEMON  (who  is 
staying  with  us)  and  me  last  night.  It  was  a  dreadfidly  stupid  subject, 
and  I  told  Papa  so,  and  suggested  his  taking  us  another  evening,  but 
he  declared  that  we  should  see  Parliament  to  great  advantage,  as  it 
was  what  he  called  a  field-night.  AVe  girls  were  put  behind  a  grating, 
for  fear  we  should  fascinate  the  members  and  make  them  forget  their 
precious  country,  and  Papa  went  to  the  other  end  of  the  place,  and  we 
could  see  him  in  a  sort  of  pew  over  a  clock,  sitting  near  LOED  OVER- 
STONE,  who  1  believe  is  a  remarkable  man,  though  I  never  knew 
anything  remarkable  about  him,  except  that  when  he  was  MR.  LLOYD 
he  spelt  his  name  with  only  one  '  L.'  There  was  an  old  gentleman  in 
the  right  hand  gallery  who  came  up,  and  deliberately  laid  himself  down 
at  full  length,  and,  because  the  light  troubled  Ids  eyes,  he  opened  a 
great,  Parliamentary  paper,  and  wrapped  up  his  old  bald  head  in  it, 
entirely  hiding  himself,  like  a  ridiculous  ostrich,  and,  I  suppose, 
fancying  nobody  could  see  him.  LORD  STANLEY  I  saw,  too,  m  the 
opposite  gallery,  writing  notes  of  the  speeches,  and  working  as  hard  as 
the  men  who  sat  below  us,  scribbling  those  columns  upon  columns 
which  spoil  the  newspapers.  And  dear  Sin  BULWER  LYTTON,  I  saw 
him,  sitting  next  to  the  other  novel-writer,  MR.  DISRAELI,  and  LOUD 


"Saturday." 


'  MAKY  ANNE."  ' 


1  We  append  one  note  only  to  this  intolerable  epistle,  and  that  is  to  say,  that  any 
other  letter  resembling  it  will  most  assuredly  be  the  last  of  the  series. 


SANCTITY  UNDER  FALSE  PRETENCES. 

A  PROCLAMATION,  published  by  the  Inquisition,  has  been  posted  np 
at  Rome,  declaring  one  CATHERINE  FANELLI,  who  has  been  passing 
herself  off  as  a  saint,  to  be  an  impostor,  and  to  have  been  sentenced  by 
the  Holy  Office  to  twelve  years'  imprisonment.  Her  impostures  it 
describes  as  having  consisted  simply  in  certain  supernatural  preten- 
sions, for/which  an  imprisonment  of  twelve  years  appears  rather  severe. 
One  month  at  the  House  of  Correction  would  probably  be  considered 
to  meet  the  corresponding  case  in  this  country;  and  we  are  almost 
tempted  to  regret  that  we  have  no  Inquisition,  to  commit,  as  rogues 
and  vagabonds,  our  Sabbatarian  humbugs  and  antidramatic  Matcworms, 
who  endeavour  to  pass  themselves  off  for  saints. 


Curious  Calculation. 

THE  united  ages  of  the  several  jokes  that  met  together  in  a  Bur- 
lesque on  a  recent  festive  occasion,  amounted  t9  not  less  than  1573 
years.  This  gives  an  average  of  85  years  to  each  joke.  Several  of  the 
bid  veterans  showed  no  visible  signs  of  decay,  but  on  the  contrary 
from  their  vigorous  condition  gave  every  promise  of  delighting  the 
public  for  many  a  long  year  to  come. 


SINGULAR  DELUSION. — MR.  SPOONEH  has  got  into  his  head  the 
curious  notion,  and  nothing  apparently  will  ever  get  it  out  again,  that 
he  is  an  APOSTLE  SFOONER  ! 


88 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  28,  1857. 


THE    LORD    CHANCELLOR    IN    THE    DARK. 

N  the  House  of  Lords 
the  other  evening, 
LORD  BROUGHAM  be- 
gan to  brush  up  the 
LORD  CHANCELLOR  a 
bit  as  to  how  the  Sta- 
tutes were  progressing 
towards  that  consoli- 
dation so  davoutly  to 
be  wished ;  and  in 
reply,  LORD  CRAN- 
WORTH  stated,  that 
during  (ho  recess  cer- 
tain bills  had  been  pre- 
pared, which  would 
consolidate  the  Sta- 
tute Law  affecting  cri- 
minals, and  that — • 

"It  was  his  wish  to  pro- 
ceed with  them  atau  curly 
period  of  the  session,  but 
he  would  not  go  further 
until  he  saw  his  way 
clearly." 

Giving  the  LORD 
CHANCELLOR  all  ho- 
nour for  his  wish,  we 
fear  there  is  small 
likelihood  that  we 
shall  see  it  realised, 
so  long  as  he  imposes 
the  condition  wjiich 
his  last  words  seem 

to  indicate.  If  his  progress  with  the  bills  be  made  dependent  on  his  ableness  to  "see 
his  way  clearly,"  we  think  the  "early  period"  will  prove  a  mere  period  of  speech,  and 
the  words  "  at  the  Greek  Calends  "  would  come  nearer  to  the  truth.  We  say  this  without 
meaning  to  depreciate  too  much  his  lordship's  powers  of  vision,  but  it  cau  be  no  news  to 


any  one  to  hear  that  they  have  somewhat  suf- 
fered from  advancement,  both  of  time  and  place. 
The  fogs  of  Chancery,  we  know,  are  such  as 
must  impair  the  strongest  mental  eyesight ;  and 
are  a  sufficient  cause  why  those  who  grope  their 
way  in  their  proceedings  through  the  Courts 
should  make  such  tardy  progress.  At  the  same 
time,  when  we  find  so  bright  a  luminary  of  the 
law  as  the  LORD  CHANCELLOR,  who  ought  by 
rights  to  shine  the  foremost  light  of  the  profes- 
sion, acknowledging  thus  candidly  that  he  is  in 
the  dark,  we  cau  but  think  that  to  prevent  his 
getting  in  bad  odour,  it  would  tbe  but  Bright  to 
give  him  an  extinguisher. 


SINGULAR  PHENOMENON.' 

SIR  CHRISTOPHER  TAWNY  (a  great  favourite 
iu  the  North)  has  some  wonderful  old  Port 
Wine,  which  he  says  he  laid  down  at,  the  time  of 
the  birth  of  his  eldest  daughter.  The  wine  is, 
undoubtedly  remarkably  fine,  but  the  most 
wonderful  thing  about  it  is  that,  whereas  the 
wine  is  thirty-two  years  old,  the  young  lady, 
who  is  still  unmarried,  is  only  just  entering  her 
three-and-twentieth  year!  SIR  CHRISTOPHER 
says  that  his  daughters  so  far  differ  in  body  and 
temper  from  his  wine,  that  the  longer  he  keeps 
them  the  younger  he  finds  they  grow ! 


Orators  Dumfounded. 

THE  move  of  the  Government  in  bringing  in 
the  Budget  so  early  in  the  Session  has  had  all 
the  ell'ect  of  an  Early  Closing  Movement  on 
I  he  mouths  in  opposition,  and  has  even  shut  up 
MR.  DISRAELI  himself,  by  forestalling  all  the 
questions  he  had  prepared  himself  to  ask. 


SOME   MORE   CHAPTERS   IN  THE    HISTORY   OF 
JOHN  BULL. 

Ifoto  JOHN  BULL  was  humlmgyed  after  all. 

WELL,  my  brace  of  Scotchmen  went  up  to  the  farm,  and  like  shrewd 
hard-working  men  of  business,  as  they  were,  at  once  set  about  the 
inquiry  PAM  had  charged  them  with.  At  first  the  keepers  tried  their 
grand  airs  on  the  pair — were  snappish,  and  saucy,  and  humorous,  and 
mighty  short  in  their  answers,  with  "marry,  come  ups,"  and  "you 
ask  me  no  questions,  and  I  '11  tell  you  no  lies,"  and  "  don't  you  wish 
you  may  get  it,"  and  so  forth.  And,  truly,  if  the  two  old  fellows  had 
not  been  as  tough  as  nails,  and  as  patient  as  a  brace  of  JOBS,  they 
might  have  lost  temper  a  thousand  times,  and  most  likely  flung  up 
their  task  in  disgust. 

Then  the  rogues,  finding  their  sauciness  without  avail,  tried  flattery, 
and  mighty  civil  they  were,  I  promise  you,  with  their  tongues  in  their 
cheeks  all  the  while.  But  this  plan  succeeded  no  better  than  the  other. 
The  two  old  fellows  stuck  to  their  work,  regardless  alike  of  big  words 
and  bluster,  or  soft  sawder  and  flummery.  They  were  up  and  about 
early  and  late.  They  saw  and  questioned  everybody;  looked  into 
everything;  had  up  the  poor  old  fiddler  under  examination  for  days; 
overhauled  all  the  contents  of  the  store-rooms,  where  they  found  a 
precious  mess,  I  can  assure  you ;  took  an  account  of  all  that  JOHN  had 
sent  up  for  the  use  of  the  watchers ;  in  short,  made  a  thorough  good 
job  of  what  they  were  sent  to  do,  as  PAM  had  bade  them,  "  without 
fear  or  favour."  And  having  completed  .their  task,  they  set  off  home, 
to  report  to  their  employer. 

Meanwhile,  during  the  time  spent  on  their  inquiry  and  report,  the 
affairs  of  NICK  had  fallen  into  a  very  bad  way.  The  old  rogue's  rag-a- 
muffins — stout  fellows  as  they  were — were  thrashed  again  and  again, 
till  at  last  they  were  beaten  out  of  the  old  stone  house  they  lived  in, 
and  the  roof  was  fairly  burnt  over  their  heads.  Old  NICK  had  died 
some  time  before  this  happened  of  sheer  heart-break,  it  was  thought, 
for  a  terrible  drubbing  JOHN  BULL'S  watchers  had  given  his  black- 
guards against  odds  of  six  to  one,  and  his  son,  ALICK,  a  decent  lad 
enough  (considering  who  was  his  father),  had  come  into  what  the  old 
man  had  left  behind.  The  lad  was  ready  enough  to  renounce  his 
father's  tricks,  and  to  promise  anything  for  a  quiet  life.  So  on  con- 
dition of  his  marching  his  blackguards  off  the  ground,  and  keeping  out 
of  arm's-length  of  the  Turkey-pen,  and  giving  sureties  for  good  beha- 
viour, JOHN  agreed  to  let  him  go  scot-iree,  to  break  up  his  own 
establishment  of  watchers  and  keepers,  and  to  allow  bye-gones  to  be 
bye-gones. 


Many  of  his  friends  thought  JOHN  was  a  little  too  easy  with  his 
enemy.  But  that  was  always  his  way,  as  all  readers  of  his  history 
know.  He  never  won  a  law-suit,  but  he  gave  away  half  the  damages 
he  received,  and  in  most  cases,  to  the  man  he  had  been  at  law  with. 
Mighty  glad,  I  promise  you,  were  all  the  family  at  the  manor-house  to 
see  the  poor  fellows  from  the  moor-farm  safe  home  again.  JOHN 
BULL  ordered  half-a-dozen  oxen  to  be  roasted  whole,  to  feast  'cm : — a 
row  of  butts  of  October  were  set  abroach  on  the  lawn  :  there  was 
jumping  in  sacks  and  grinning  through  horse-collars,  fireworks  at 
night,  and  a  dance  and  a  supper  in  the  servants' -hall—  and  who  but  the 
watchers  and  keepers ! 

Some  of  the  latter,  indeed,  who  had  come  home  before  this,  had 
given  themselves  mighty  great  airs  among  the  servants,  on  the 
strength  of  their  doughty  deeds  against  NICK  and  his  blackguards. 
As  usual  'twas  the  emptiest  puppies  that  talked  loudest  and  made  the 
bravest  figure.  The  best  men  neld  their  tongues.  But  when  it  came 
to  finding  places  for  the  lads  that  had  come  home,  I  am  afraid  it 
must  be  owned  JOHN'S  upper  servants  did  not  act  fairly  by  their 
master.  At  least,  it  happened  somehow  or  other  that  if  ever  there  was 
a  good  berth  to  be  filled  in  the  stables  or  in  the  saddle-room,  harness- 
room,  or  gun-room,  it  was  sure  to  be  given  away  to  one  of  those 
very  lounging,  swaggering,  dandified  JEMMY  JESSAMIES,  or  LAZY 
LAWRENCES  who  had  so  neglected  their  business  up  at  the  moor-farm, 
and  thereby  been  the  death  of  so  many  a  lusty  honest  poor  fellow  of 
the  watchers. 

These  bouncing,  big-mouthed  gentry  told  their  own  tales,  of  course  j 
and  PAM,  the  steward,  and  FOXY,— a  whiskey-drinking,  good  dinner- 
loving,  unscrupulous  old  reprobate,  who  had  charge  of  the  gun-room, — 
either  believed,  or  pretended  to  believe,  every  cock  and  bull  story  they 
told.  Anyone  who  ventured  to  hint  at  what  STAG'S  inquiry  had  brought 
to  light  about  these  very  fellows,  or  to  suggest  that  'twould  be  well  to 
wait  for  the  Scotchmen's  report  before  giving  places  to  these  men, 
was  pooh-poohed,  and  put  down,  as  a  factious,  discontented,  miscliief- 
making  spirit. 

But  when  at  last  the  two  old  Scotchmen  brought  out  their  report,  I 
promise  you  there  was  a  fine  commotion  in  the  stables  and  guu-room. 
Here  were  the  very  men  whom  the  Scotchmen  exposed  as  the 
authors  of  all  the  sufferings  of  JOHN'S  lads,  now  pocketing  his  best 
wages,  and  wearing  his  smartest  liveries,  and  eating  and  drinking  of 
the  best  in  his  servant's  hall ! 

Now,  some  simple  folks  might  have  expected— considering  how  savage 

JOHN  had  been  only  a  year  before  with  the  conduct  of  these  very  fellows. 

— that  he  needed  out  have  been  told  how  they  had  been  smuggled 

l  into  berths  on  the  manor,  to  have  at  once  made  examples  of  the 


FEBRUARY  28,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


89 


scheming,  saucy,  shameless  rascals,  and  turned  every  one  of  them  out 
of  liis  service,  with  a  good  rap  oSer'the  knuckles  to  PAM  and  FOXY, 
for  daring  to  recommend  such  puppies  for  employment.  But  he  who 
argues  in  this  fashion  knows  but,  little  of  JOHN  BULL.  That  gentle- 
maii's  way  has  always  been, — after  (lying  into  one  of  his  tremendous  Ills 
of  passion, — at  the  earliest  opportunity  t  <>  mop  his  forehead,  re-sett  le  his 
wig,  put  down  his  cudgel  quietly  in  the  corner,  call  lor  a  pipe,  a 
tankard  of  home-brewed  and  the  paper,  and  smoke  and  soak,  and  talk 
and  read  himself  back  into  good  humour  as  fast  88  possible. 

So  it  was  now.  Instead  of  kicking  out  the  JEMMY  JzssAHTES  and  LAZY 
LAWBENCJJS,  from  stables  and  gun-room,  and  thanking  the  two  Scotch- 
men for  opening  his  eyes,  .Inn. N  BULL  allowed  the  JEMMY  JESSAMIES 


and  LAZY  LAWRENCES  to  stay  where  they  were,  and  even  to  go  about    ground  ? 
complaining  they  were   ill-used  and  calumniated  men.   and  that    the 
Scotchmen  were  a  pair  of  impertinent  old  meddlers,  who  had  vamped 
up  a  story  for  the  purpose  ot  ruining  them. 

Nay,  (hiding  that  .Ions  allowed  this  sort  of  talk  to  go  unpunished, 
they  went  so  far  as  to  propose  putting  the  Scotchmen  upon  trial,  in 


A  little  further  on,  there  is  an  account  of  the  funeral  of  an  excellent 
Roman  Catholic  lady,  with  a  heading  of  "  PUOTESTAX  r  I'.II.DIKY  AT 
IIKR  (iit.u  K."  The  bigotry  was  exhibited  by  a  Church  parson,  and  is 
thus  described : — 

"  Notwithstanding  the  just  remonstrances  of  MR.  SUTTON,  tho  parson  insisted  on 
reciting  over  the  remains  of  this  Catholic  lady,  an  alien  service,  equally  offensive  to 
the  living,  and  useless  to  the  dead." 

Would  a  Roman  Catholic  priest,  in  a  lloman  Catholic  country,  have 
served  a  Protestant  corpse  so  ?  Not  he,  truly.  He  would  have  taken 
good  care  that  it  should  not  come  into  the  churchyard  at  all.  Which 
does  the  Weekly  Register  consider  the  more  violent  bigotry:  to  insist 
on  reading  prayers  over  a  body,  or  to  refuse  it  interment  in  consecrated 


their  turn;  charging  them  with  back-biting,  false  witness,  defamation 
of  character,  subornation,  and  other  crimes  too  numerous  to  mention. 
To  this  proposition  PAM  and  FOXY  were  foolish,  or  knavish  enough 
to  give  way,  and  one  morning  the  two  Scotchmen — who  were  just 
then  expecting  a  handsome  testimonial  for  their  services — found  them- 
sehes,  somewhat  to  their  astonishment,  called  on  for  their  defence 
against  a  charge  of  slanderously  stabbing  .the  reputations  of  better 
men  than  themselves ! 


BLUE   KUDf. 


COMICALITIES    OF    THE    SECTARIAN    PRESS. 

NYBODY  who  reads  the  Papers 
with  a  view  to  mere  amuse- 
ment, would  do  well  fre- 
quently to  take  up  the  so- 
called  religious  journals.  He 
will  find  more  absurdities  in 
them  than  he  will  find 
this  periodical,  or  any  other 
—  whether  he  chooses  a 
Popish  or  a  Protestant  pa- 

S:r,  it  will  not  much  signify, 
ere  follow  a  few  extracts 
from  one  of  these  publica- 
tions, which  may  be  perused 
with  as'much  gratification  as 
is  capable  of  being  afforded 
by  folly.  The  paper  in  ques- 
tion is  a  Roman  Catholic  one 
— apparently  not  venomous : 
the  weekly  Register.  It  con- 
tains, firstly,  a  decree  of  the 
"Holy  Inquisition"  against 
the  abuses  of  "Magnetism," 
by  which  term  animal  mag- 
netism seems  to  be  particu- 
larly intended;  but  this  is 
not  quite  clear.  The  abuses 


phenomena  of   somnambulism  and 


_  indicated 
clairvoyance : 


are 
and 


the    alleged 
in  all  these 


matters  a  heretical  deception  is  declared  to  be  practised  when  physical 
means  are  employed  in  order  to  produce  effects  not  natural  — 
Cum  ordinentur  media  physica,  ad  rffectus  non  naturales."  As  if 
natural  means  could'  produce  any  other  than  natural  effects.  When 
HERE  FORMES  in  the  opera,  toasts  a  skull  in  red  fire  on  the  point  of 
a  cutlass,  and  summons  Zamiel,  who  presently  appears  in  thunder-and- 
lightning,  it  is  not  the  physical  means  employed,  but  the  invitation, 
which  is  supp9sed  to  cause  the  apparition  of  the  demon.  If  a 


FROM  a  statement  in  the  United  Service  Qazette,  it  appears  that  some 
little  difficulty  is  experienced  in  getting  young  officers  for  the  Royal 
Horse  Guards  Blue.  A  commission  in  that  distinguished  corps  is 
rather  expensive,  not  only  to  procure,  but  also  to  retain.  The  costume 
and  equipments  are  so  costly  as  to  render  tin's  regiment  the  heaviest  of 
the  heavies,  and  the  mess  expenses  are  such  that  the  young  gentleman 
involved  in  them  very  soon  finds  himself  in  a  mess  indeed.  Horses, 
inclusive  of  hunters,  which  animals  of  the  chace  are  necessary  to  these 
British  chasseurs,  run  away  with  a  deal  of  money,  and  an  additional 
sum  is  carted  off  in  a  dog-cart,  which  is  a  vehicle  necessary  to  the 
young  officer,  rendered  so  perhaps  by  the  puppies  with  whom  he  is 
brought  in  contact.  He  is  obliged  to  keep  an  opera-box,  for  which  he 
has  to  pay  to  a  pretty  tune,  and  the  only  particular  wherein  he  is  not 
obliged  to  live  high  is  that  of  lodgings  ;  for  he  must  not  reside  in  a 
two-pair  back,  but  is  compelled  to  establish  himself  in  handsome 
chambers. 

In  addition  to  all  these  expenses,  lie  is  called  upon  to  meet  the  calls 
of  Society,  which  are  as  onerous  as  those  of  the  ftoyal  British  Bank : 
and  thus,  in  one  way  with  another,  the  Cornet  in  the  Blues  is  forced 
to  spend  from  £500  to  £1000  a-year,  besides  his  pay  and  allowances. 
Such  involuntary  expenditure  as  this  is  taxation  worse  than  the 
Income-Tax,  and  is  calculated  to  make  any  thinking  Blue,  if  there  is 
one,  look  blue  indeed,  and  his  respected  governor,  if  the  latter  has  to 
provide  the  needful,  look  still  bluer.  Colonels  of  the  Blues,  who  are 
accustomed  to  say  "  It  is  useless  for  a  young  fellow  to  come  to  us 
unless  he  can  spend  his  £500  a-year,"  will  probably  soon  be  reduced 
to  the  necessity  of  advertising  for  officers  as  recruiting  Serjeants 
advertise  for  private  soldiers.  The  advertisements  will  perhaps  have 
to  run  in  some  such  terms  as  these : — 

WANTED  A  FEW  FINE  YOUNG  GENTLEMEN  of  £500  to  £1000 
'  '    a-year  and  upwards,  willing  to  serve  the  Q0BEW  as  Cornets  in  HER  MAJESTY'S 
Regiment  of  Horse  Guards  Blue.    Apply  to  LIEUT.-COL.  DE  BLANK,  at  the  Spend- 
thrift's Arms. 


LITTLE  TYRANTS  AT  HARROW. 

WE  understand  that  the  fagging  system  has  attained  to  a  high  state 
of  development  at  Harrow  School.  A  correspondent  informs  us  that  the 
juveniles  of  the  sixth  form  have  lately  improved  very  greatlv  upon  the 

fetty  tyranny  which  they  were  content  to  practise  heretofore, 
ormerly  these  young  gentlemen  were  satisfied  with  indulging  their 
imperiousness  by  summoning  a  fag  to  hand  them  a  book  from  a  shelf 
within  two  yards  of  their  august  hands.  They  now,  however,  go  the 
length  of  calling  the  fag  to  desire  another  boy,  in  the  same  room  with 
themselves,  to  speak  with  them.  The  head-master  of  Harrow,  perhaps, 
does  not  know  that  certain  other  faculties  of  the  human  mind  than  the 
moral  and  intellectual  are  in  course  of  cultivation  at  the  school  over 
which  he  presides.  The  passions  and  propensities  are  also  receiving 
an  education  on  the  principle  of  mutual  instruction,  and  the  scholars 


ri EMWU    v/4     vffo    uv/uivjji*        j.i   a    mail  i          -..  •*.-,         •*•  .  ...  —    v^  *, — ... 

makes  magnetic  passes,  inwardly  invoking  the  devil  all  the  while,  if  5J?  scnoolm?  one  another  in  pride,  insolence,  cruelty,  and  servility, 
the  devil  should  come,  or  any  other  non-natural  effect  follow,  the  \        would  suggest  that  these  evils  constitute  just  that  exceptional  ease 


, —  *"    '  win.,      Wl       i*llj       ULllUl      liUll-llatULclL      UllCL'l      1UUUW,     L11C 

physical  means  woidd  have  nothing  to  do  with  the  result ;  the  meta- 
Besides,  what  are  non-natural  effects? 


physical  volition  everything 

There 

of 


ere  was  a  time  when  the  Inquisition  would  have  deemed  the  agency 
, ,  the  electric  telegraph  preternatural ;  would  perhaps  have  roasted 
MB.  WHEATSTOSK  alive,  and  probably  dug  up  and  calcined  the  bones 
of  OERSTED. 

Next,  in  noticing  a  book  bearing  on  Natural  History,  the  reviewer 
in  connection  with  the  subject  of  cruelty  to  animals,  demands,  "Where 
does  this  curiously  morbid  feeling  of  Protestants  about  animals  come 
trom  r1  Have  they  forgot  that  all  inferior  creatures  were  placed  under 
man  s  dominion  by  their  Creator  ?  "  As  if  that  circumstance  rendered 
Irotestant  sympathy  ior  the  sufferings  of  brutes  morbid.  A  new 
version  of  a  popular  Protestant  canticle  may  be  recommended  to  this 
writer,  for  the  purpose  of  being  sung  through  the  nose  to  a  new  and 
doleful  tune : — 

"  If  I  had  a  donkey  wot  wouldn't  go-o-o-o, 
Tell  me  not  to  wollop  him  !  Wouldn't  I  though-o-o-o-oh  ! " 


wherein  the  rod  might  be  advantageously  nourished  as  a  corrective, 
and  we  should  see  a  little  despot  whipped  not  only  without  pity,  but 
with  extreme  pleasure  ;  with  the  same  delight  as  that  with  which  we 
should  behold  a  great  one— say  KING  BOMBA — under  the  infliction  of 
a  good  hiding.  We  hope  these  few  and  mild  observations  may  cause 
the  life  of  a  junior  boy  at  Harrow  School  no  longer  to  resemble  that 
of  a  toad  under  the  agricultural  implement  of  the  same  name. 


A  Board  that  will  not  Give  Way. 

THERE  have  been  published  lately  some  wonderful  experiments  in 
bending  timber.  Encouraged  by  this  success,  SIB  CHARLES  NAPIER 
attended  with  a  long  catalogue  of  grievances  upon  the  Admiralty  Board, 
but  though  he  had  a  lengthened  interview  with  the  First  Lord,  and 
pressed  his  very  hardest,  still  he  could  not  in  the  least  succeed  in 
bending  WOOD. 


90 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


FEBRUARY  28,  1857. 


THE   SWISS  BOY. 

AIB — "  Come  arouse  thee,  arouse  thee." 

COME,  disband  thee,  disband  tlice,  my  hrave  Swiss  boy, 

Drop  thy  sword,  and  from  Naples  away ! 
Come,  disband  thee,  disband  thee,  my  brave  Swiss  boy, 
Drop  thy  sword,  and  from  Naples  away ! 
From  gaoler's  lash,  and  victim's  scream, 
To  the  Alpine  crag,  and  the  mountain  stream — 
Come,  disband  thee,  disband  thee,  my  brave  Swiss  boy, 
Drop  thy  sword,  and  from  Naples  away  ! 

Am  not  I,  am  not  I,  say,  a  very  Swiss  boy, 

When  I  hire  me  to  whoso  will  pay  ? 
Am  not  I,  am  not  I,  say,  a  very  Swiss  boy, 
When  I  hire  me  to  whoso  will  pay  ? 
TELL  smiles  on  BOMIIA'S  carbineer, 
And  Pio  NONO'S  halberdier — 
Am  not  I,  am  not  I,  say,  a  very  Swiss  boy, 
When  I  hire  me  to  whoso  will  pay  ? 

For  the  right— for  the  right— oh,  my  brave  Swiss  boy, 

Ming  away  tyrants'  liy'ry — away ! 
For  the  right — for  the  right — oh,  my  brave  Swiss  boy, 
Ming  away  tyrants'  liv'ry — away  ! 
And  let  the  Switzer  sword  at  last, 
In  the  scale  of  right,  not  wrong,  be  cast ; 
For  the  right — for  the  right — oh,  my  brave  Swiss  boy, 
Fling  away  tyrants'  liv'ry — away ! 


THE    MERRY    SWISS    BOY. 


Latest'  from  Berlin. 

OUR  own'  Correspondent  informs  ns  that  the  British 
Ambassador  had  yesterday  the  honour  of  dining  with  KING 
1  CLICQUOT,  when,  or  rather  after  which,  his  Majesty  ad- 
dressed to  his  Excellency  the  following  speech,  in  justi- 
fication of  his  threatened  invasion  of  Neufchatel : —  "  I 
shaynow — you  Brish !  Lookwhat  you  Brishabeendoinin- 
clu'na !  You've  been  pish'ninto  your  Canton.  Why  shou'n't 
I  pishinto  mine  ?  " 

THE  ADMIRALTY.— A  Bank  for  Land-Swells. 


THE   SORROWS  OF   GENTILITY. 

THEKE  is  a  Novel  written  by  a  clever  lady  under  the  above  title. 
We  do  not  know  what  the  particular  Sorrows  may  be  that  Gentility  uses 
its  cambric  handkerchief  over  in  that  sorrowful  book,  but  we  fancy 
that  the  following  are  such  as  have  cost  the  fine  old  lady  in  her  life- 
time many  a  scalding  tear : — 

It  is  a  Sorrow  of  Gentility,  when  a  rich  uncle,  or  a  fine  pompous 
relation,  from  whom  one  has  expectations,  drops  in  at  the  last  moment 
to  dinner,  and  there  happens  to  oe  nothing  but  mutton  chops,  or  mince 
veal,  or  cold  meat  in  the  house. 

It  is  a  Sorrow  of  Gentility,  when  a  lady  is  looking  over  the  clean 
linen  to  see  whether  it  wants  mending,  or  counting  it  to  learn  that  it 
is  all  right,  for  a  stupid  servant  to  show  a  visitor  into  the  very  room, 
where  the  sheets  are  basking  before  the  fire,  and  the  shirts,  &c.,  are 
lying  perdu  over  the  different  chairs  and  sofas. 

It  is  a  Sorrow  of  Gentility  to  be  caught  doing  any  needlework, 
excepting  one's  fingers  are  employed  on  a  Berlin  Wool  hippopotamus, 
or  are  morally  engaged  in  embroidering  a  butterfly  or  a  snail  on  a 
beautiful  pair  of  media3val  braces  for  a  Puseyite  pet  parson. 

It  is  a  most  mortifying  Sorrow  of  Gentility  to  be  caught  in  the  act 
of  crying  over  a  book,  or  weeping  during  a  tragedy,  or  in  fact  giving 
way  to  any  foolish  emotion  that  common  people  are  subject  to. 

It  is  an  overpowering  Sorrow  of  Gentility  to  have  plain-looking  or  ' 
vulgar  people,  with  cottage-bonnets  and  big  umbrellas,  shown  into ' 
one's  pew  on  a  Sunday,  simply  because  there  happens  to  be  plenty  of ' 
room  m  it. 

It  is  an  acute  Sorrow  of  Gentility  to  be  seen  on  a  Botanic  or  Horti- 
cultural Fute  Day,  in  one's  fine  clothes,  getting  out  of  an  omnibus  a 
short  distance  from  the  entrance-gate. 

[t  is  a  humiliating  Sorrow  of  Gentility  when  a  number  of  very 
genteel  persons'  are  waiting,  or  supposed  to  be  waiting,  for  their 
carriages,  for  a  big  calf  of  a  man-servant  to  dart  prominently  forward, 
and  announce,  in  a  tone  loud  enough  for  the  shadow  of  BEAU 
BRUMMELL  to  hear,  "Your  cab,  Mum's,  at  the  door !  " 

It  is  a  Sorrow  of  Gentility,  quite  sufficient  to  make  one  faint,  to  be 
sci  n  in  London,  or  anywhere  near  London,  when  everybody  else  is 
hundreds  of  mdes  out  of  town. 

It  is  an  aggravating  Sorrow  of  Gentility  when  it  becomes  reported 


that  all  your  jellies  and  blauc-manges  and  creams  and  "  sweets  "  are 
made  at  home. 

It  is  a  perplexing  Sorrow  of  Gentility  when  the  youngest  daughters 
get  married  first,  and  the  eldest,  in  spite  of  balls,  fine  dresses,  jewellery, 
portraits,  puffs,  and  paragraphs  in  the  Morning  Post,  &c.,  &c.,  still 
remain  heavily  on  hand. 

It  is  a  most  distressing  Sorrow  of  Gentility  to  be  caught  by  some 
carriage  visitors  at  an  early  dinner,  and,  after  explaining  to  t  hem  most 
elaborately  that  it  is  only  your  luncheon,  for  some  ungovernable  un- 
birched  brat  of  an  Enfant  Terrible  to  let  the  vulgar  secret  out. 

It  is  an  exquisite  Sorrow  of  Gentility  to  have,  on  a  Drawing-Room 
Day,  the  effect  of  your  beautiful  dress  completely  spoilt  by  some  fat, 
unwieldy,  stupid,  clumsy  City  Alderman  treading  upon  it  just  as  you 
are  being  ushered  into  the  presence  of  Royalty. 

It  is  an  agonising,  and  uneurable,  and  inconsolable  Sorrow  of  Gen- 
tility to  move  all  the  stars  and  garters  of  the  aristocracy  and  fashion 
in  order  to  get  into  Almaek's,  and,  after  many  rubs  and  snubs,  to  fail 
in  one's  endeavours. 

SOMETHING  LIKE  A  MIRACLE. 
THE  Vienna  Correspondent  of  the  Times  states  that — 

"  The  statue  of  the  Virgin,  which  is  to  be  erected  at  Rome  in  commemoration  of 
the  promulgation  of  the  dogma  of  the  Immaculate  Conception  is  finished.  While 
the  statue  was  being  cast,  the  Priests  chanted  the  Litany  to  the  Holy  Virgin,  and  the 
workmen  gave  the  responses.  '  Thanks  to  these  excellent  arrangements, '  says  the 
Ultramontane  Volki/reund,  '  the  cast  was  perfect.'" 

We  shudder  in  imagining  the  scene  described  in  the  above  paragraph. 
Nobody  can  very  well,  in  the  natural  course  of  business,  do  two  things 
at  once ;  and  if  there  are  any  two  tilings  that  we  should  be  disinclined 
to  attempt  simultaneously,  those  two  wing:-,  are  singing  responses  and 
casting  a  statue.  We  should  tremble  very  much  to 'see  a  lot  of  Irish 
bricklayers  at  work  on  a  scaffold,  or  climbing  ladders  and  carrying 
hods,  whilst  they  were  also  engaged  in  chanting  litanies  with  their 
priests ;  but  the  idea  of  workmen's  attention  divided  between  a  chant 
and  the  management  of  melted  metal  overwhelms  us  with  fright. 
That  no  horrible  accident  attended  such  a  process,  conducted  in  such  a 
manner,  is  indeed  wonderful ;  and  we  have  not  for  some  time  met  with 
anything  that  looks  so  much  like  a  miracle,  as  the  successful  casting, 
under  the  circumstances,  of  this  molten  image. 


iLST,"  n/>b.un>  fl»".  »"<1  Fr?d";5.k  Mullen  KviDi.of  Ho.  19.  Queen' •  Road  W..t,  Rent's  Park,  both  In  the  Pari.hof  St.  Pane  ai,  in  th»  Ci  unti  of  Mi<!dle«ex 
,*'<,;.  rfeucl  of  Whitefri»r..in  the  citr  of  Lo.duo.  «o«  PubU«h:d  by  tnern  at  No.  15,  Pleet  Street,  in  tbe  Pari,h  of  St.  Biide.  in  the  City  « 


MAKCII  7,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  "LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


91 


A  NUISANCE  CORRECTED  BY  ITSELF. 

To  show  to  what  an  abominable  extent  the 
!  nuisance  of  Encores  has  grown  iu  Italy,  we  may 
|  as  well  mention  that  at  the  Scala,  the  other 
evening,  the  audience  was  so  taken  with  the 
Piscatore  dell'  Onda,  which  is  the  last  new  pro- 
duction of  VERDI'S,  that  they  encored  the  entire 
opera.  Such  an  ovation  was  never  known  before, 
and  probably  never  will  be  again!  Musicians 
fainted  over  their  violoncellos,  and  the  prompter 
fell  asleep  iu  his  cabriolet-hood  box.  However, 
the  mischief  did  not  stop  there,  for  at  two  o'clock 
in  the  morning  it  was  discovered  by  a  watchman 
accidentally  dropping  in,  that  the  singers  could 
no  longer  sing,  and  I he  audience  could  no  longer 
hear.  The  former,  by  diut  of  screaming,  had  lost 
their  voices,  ami  the  latter,  from  listening  to  so 
much  noise,  had  lost  their  hearing.  How  long 
the  singers  had  been  singing  without  making 
any  sound,  and  how  long  the  audience  had  been 
listening  without  hearing  anything,  it  is  impos- 
sible to  conjecture ;  but  it  is  very  clear  that  it 
only  requires  a  few  more  salutary  examples  like 
the  above,  and  the  annoying  system  of  Encores 
must  be  effectually  abolished. 


THE    GREAT    TOBACCO    CONTROVERSY. 


Clara  (emphatically).    "  I  DON'T  CARE  WHAT  you  SAY,  FRANK — I  SHALL  ALWAYS  THINK  IT  A 

NASTY,    ODIOU*,    DIRTY,    FILTHY,    DISGUSTING,    AND    JfOST    OBJECTIONABLE    HABIT!" 

Frank.  "  HAW  ! — Now  I  'M  REALLY  SURPRISED,  CLARA,  TO  HEAR  SUCH  A  CLEVER  GIRL  AS 

YOU   AKE   RUNNING  DOWN  SMOKING  IN     SUCH    STRONG    LANGUAGE— TOR  IT  *S   ADMITTED   BY  ALL 

SENSIBLE  PEOPLE,  YOU  KNOW,  THAT  IT'S  THE  A  BUSS  OF  TOBACCO  THAT'S  WRONG!" 

[  Which  little  lit  of  sophistry  completely  vanquishes  CLARA. 


A  Profitable  Tax. 

IT  is  proposed,  in  the  event  of  there  being  any 
deficiency  in  the  Revenue  next  year,  that  MR. 
GLADSTOKE,  every  time  lie  taxes  the  patience  of 
the  House,  should  pay  an  ad  valorem  tax,  of  not 
less  than  sixpence  for  the  first  hour,  a  shilling 
for  the  second,  and  so  to  go  on  increasing  every 
succeeding  hour.  The  intrinsic  value,  it  is  true, 
will  not  be  much,  but  it  will  be  amply  made  up 
during  the  session  by  the  tremendous  quantity. 


DOCTORS  DIFFERING. — One  Doctor  says  that 
Puseyism  is  to  Popery  as  Cow-pox  is  to  Small- 
pox. Another,  on  the  contrary,  says  that  it  is 
as  Typhus  Mitior  to  Typhus  Gravior. 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

FEBRUARY  23RD.  Monday.  As  LORD  CRANWORTH'S  Wills  Bill  goes 
to  a  Select  Committee,  no  more  need  -be  said  about  poor  CRANNY'S 
initiatory  mull  beyond  mentioning  that  to-night,  on  the  second  reading, 
the  real  lawyers  spoke  of  it  with  the  most  aggravating  contempt. 

It  is  no  longer  necessary  to  attend  to  the  delicate  precaution  which 
Mr.  Punch  suggested  last  week  in  reference  to  the  name  of  the 
Member  for  Sandwich.  There  is  but  one  MR.  MACGREGOR  in  the 
House  of  Commons.  JOHN  of  Glasgow  has  accepted — and  any 
acceptance  of  his  is  a  thing  worth  noting — an  office  under  the  Crown, 
and  vacates  his  seat.  He  did  not  ask  for  any  Hundreds — this  time — 
but  took  the  Stewardship  of  the  Manor  of  Northstead.  It  has  an 
almost  inappreciable,  though  disqualifying  salary ;  but  small  as  it  is, 
MR.  JOHN  MACGREGOR  will  no  doubt  place  it  at  the  disposal  of  the 
assignees  of  the  institution  that  did  him — not  to  say  gave  him — so 
much  credit. 

The  Battle  of  the  Budget  was  renewed.  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL 
volunteered  his  aid  to  the  Government,  and  in  fact  it  is  supposed  that 
there  is  no  amount  of  assistance  which  he  would  withhold  from  almost 
any  Government  de  facto,  even  to  the  discharging  a  portion  of  their 
duties.  MR.  WIIITESIDE  explained,  still  more  distinctly,  that  he  and  his 
Conservative  friends  wanted  office,  and  SIR  F.  BARING  said  that  he 
knew  that  very  well,  and  should  do  all  he  could  to  keep  them  out. 
MR.  WALPOLE,  of  course,  was  ready  to  vote  anything  that  should  enable 
Mm  to  change  places  with  SIR  GF.ORGE  GREY.  MR.  CARDWELL 
deserted  his  friend,  MR.  GLADSTONE,  and  joined  the  Government 
voters.  He  could  not  be  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  in  a  Ministry 
of  which  MR.  GLADSTONE  was  a  member.  MR.  MILNER  GIBSON 
had  listened  to  everybody  else's  speeches  with  an  attention  not  al- 
together reciprocated  by  the  House,  and  expressed  his  wish  that 
the  Budget  should  be  amended.  SIR  CHARLES  WOOD,  of  course,  con- 
tended that  it  was  so  good  as  to  be  incapable  of  being  amended ;  and 
the  House,  after  rejecting  MR.  GEORGE  BENTINCK'S  proposal  for 
adjournment  of  the  Budget  until  the  Estimates  were  disposed  of 
(really  so  sensible  a  course  that  there  is  no  wonder  only  25  supported 
it  against  477)  divided  upon  the  Main  Question,  which  was  whether 
the  Balancing  Brothers  of  Westminster  should  take  office  vice  the 
Bottleholder,  and  decided  that  they  should  not,  by  286  to  206. 


Tuesday.  LORD  DERBY  fulfilled  his  promise  of  bombarding  Govern- 
ment in  retaliation  for  the  bombardment  of  Canton.  Everybody  who 
wished  to  injure  the' Government  was  conscientiously  convinced  that 
the  assault  was  unjust,  unnecessary,  and  cruel,  while  all  the  Minis- 
terialists  were  as  clear  in  their  conscience  that  nothing  could  be  more 
righteous  and  expedient,  or  more  humanely  effected.  The  important 
question,  whether  English  subjects  residing  abroad  were  never  to  have 
any  redress  or  protection  until  their  case  had  been  sent  home  and  in- 
structions obtained  from  Government,  was  at  issue  in  the  case,  and  the 
Lords'  decision,  luckily,  is  that  a  Civil  Romanm  is  not  to  be  left  in 
that  highly  comfortable  situation,  but  that  his  QUEEN'S  flag  is  to  be 
flapped  instanter  into  his  enemy's  eyes.  The  sentimental  part  of 
the  case  was  worked  as  gravely  as  if  noble  lords  who  talked  of  the 
innocent,  polite,  and  friendly  Chinese,  had  never  heard  that  in  Canton 
itself  MR.  COMMISSIONER  YEH  had  tied  up  thousands  of  men  and 
women  at  his  place  of  execution,  and  had  them  flayed  alive,  and  cut 
into  slices,  and  that  only  a  little  time  back  the  amiable  Cantonese 
tortured  a  French  missionary  for  three  days,  and  then  burned  him.  To 
these  people  it  was  urged  that  we  were  to  serve  out  "justice  in  its  most 
winning  guise,  and  lofty  truth  and  forbearance."  The  Lords,  after  a 
debate  to-night  and  on  Thursday,  voted  that  bombshells  were  more  to 
the  purpose,  by  146  to  110. 

The  remarkable  WALMSLEY  achieved  another  of  those  remarkable 
failures  for  which  he  is  chiefly  renowned.  SIR  JOSHUA  persists  in 
believing  that  it  is  he  who  is  specially  called  to  reform  the  represent- 
ative system,  and  though  everybody  assures  him  that  he  is  under  a 
mistake,  and  snuffs  him  out,  counts  him  out,  and  serves  him  out  in 
every  practicable  way,  he  will  never  comprehend  his  true  position. 
This  evening  he  wanted  to  refer  the  British  Constitution  to  a  Select 
Committee,  and  it  took  some  time  before  he  could  be  abated.  SIR  CHAS. 
WOOD  said  that  the  Government  had  decided  not  to  send  anew  expedi- 
tion in  search  of  SIR  JOHN  FRANKLIN,  believing  that  it  would  be  useless. 
That  it  would  discover  the  Arctic  hero  it  is  almost  impossible  to 
believe  ;  that  it  would  ascertain  where  he  and  his  brave  companions 
had  died,  it  is  almost  as  impossible  to  disbelieve,  the  only  unexplored 
region  being  attainable  with  slight  peril  and  complete  precision.  It 
would  put  new  heart  into  our  sailors  on  a  thousand  coasts,  to  learn 
that  their  England  is  as  true  to  them  as  they  are  to  her.  But  the 
Admiralty  thinks  this  "  useless." 


VOL.   XXXII. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  7,  1857. 


ll'e'lnesday.  The  Irish  1'ish  that  invariably  make  their 'appearance 
early  in  the  session,  were  seen  this  day,  but  speedily  dived  and  disap- 
peared. In  other  words,  a  plan  of  Mu.  MHAHOH's,  which  he  says  is 
intended  to  give  Irishmen  the  right  to  catch  their  own  tishes,  and  which 
the  Irish  Attorney-General,  who  has  caught  his  (and  some  loaves  with 
them),  disapproves,  as  leaving  all  the  fish  in  Ireland  unprotected,  was 

4  by  1S5  to  10.  An  astrologer  would  remark  that  MR.  M'MAHON 
is  a  good  lawyer,  that  his  lish  bills  arc  unacceptable,  ami  though  Libra, 
which  means  justice,  is  typified  by  scales,  he  had  better  leave  the  scaly 
triln-  to  those  bom  und"er  Pisces.  He  .will  find  the  legal  flesh-pot 
answer  belter  than  the  illegal  fish-pot. 

T/iiTfiaif.   Before  going  to  China,    LORD   CAMPBELL  obtained  a 

Select  ('ummittee  to  consider  whether  the  law  ought  not  to  protect  a 

newspaper  from  actions  for  truthful  reports  of  public  meetings.    JOHN 

thinks  that  speeches  in  Parliament,  Convocation,   and  County  and 

i  Meetings,  ought  to  be  published  without  danger-  but  not  so 

•il  to  some  other  assemblies,  without  limitation,  and  he  believes 
that  if  perfect  impunity  be  given,  men  will  always  be  getting  up  public 
meetings  i"  order  to  spout  calumny  for  the  press  to  report.  There  is 
a  singular,  not  to  say  insolent  idea  entertained  by  some  lords  and 
others  that  the  press  has  no  discretion,  and  unless  kept  under  the  eye 
ot  i  he  police,  will  always  be  Irving  to  injure  some  worthy  man  or  other, 
lu  t lie  ease  of  this  proposed  legislation,  the  journals  have  the  remedy 
in  their  own  hand — short-hand.  If  Parliament  refuses  them  immunity 
for  publishing  its  debates,  let  them  cease,  to  publish  them.  A  week  of 

'lery  "  would  send  any  reasonable  measure  very  rapidly  through 
both  II' 

K-  l\  nial  motion  against  Death  Punishments  is  to  be 


"IS    SMOKING    INJURIOUS?" 

(Tlte  Answers  of  a  few  Ladies  to  the  above  Question.) 

MRS.  BROWN  (of  Bkoms/iary  Square).  "  Most  decidedly !  Doesn't 
it  injure  the  curtains ! " 

MRS.  JONES  (Sea-Shell  Cottage  Brighton).  "  There  can't  be  a  question 
about  it,  and  I  am  only  surprised  how  persons  ca>i  be  so  foolish  as  to  put 
one!  D9esn't  it  stick  in  the  gentlemen's  hair?  and  get  embeddea  in 
their  whiskers  ?  and  hang  about  their  clothes  for  hours  and  hours,  and 
sometimes  days  afterwards  ?  So  much  so,  that  anyone  can  tell  a  mile 
off  whet  her  the  nasty  things  have  been  smoking  or  not.  I  'in  sure  it  is 
downright  terrible  to  be  shut  up  in  a  railway  carriage  with  a  party  of 
confirmed  smokers— for  though  they  may  not  be  smoking  at  the  time, 
still  the  unpleasant  smell  of  their  garments  is  such  as  to  make  one 
regret  that  LORD  PALMERSTON  will  not  bring  in  an  Act  of  Parliament 
to  make  every  filthy  smoker  consume  his  own  smoke." 

MRS.  ROBINSON  (1002,  Old  Gower  Street).  "  It  not  only  injures  the 
complexions,  but  the  carpets  also.  Why.  you  have  only  to  look  at  the 
carpet  of  a  room,  in  which  the  gentlemen  have  been  smoking  overnight, 
and  your  own  eyes  will  tell  you  whether  it  is  injurious  or  not  ?  I  have 
seen  carpets  (beautiful  carpets,  that  must  have  cost  5s.  -2(1.  a  yard,  if 
they  cost  a  penny,)  in  such  a  disgraeefid  state  that  a  blackbeetle,  I'm 
sure,  would  eat  himself  rather  than  walk  over  them ! " 

MRS.  BLUE  STOCKEN  (Minerva  Hall,  Bath).  "If  it  is  not  injurious, 
>erhaps  you  would  have  the  kindness  to  inform  me  the  reason  why  we 
adies  are  not  allowed  to  smoke  ? " 

Miss  TWENTYMAN  (.Willow  Lodge,  Brixton).  "It's  all  fuss  and  non- 
sense, and  I  quite  lose  my  temper  when  persons  question  me  about  the 


limited  thi.-,  u'ar  to  1  he  abolition  of  the  last  penalty  "except 

and  murder.      The  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  said  that  a  report     njuriousness  of  tobacco.    Of  "course,  it'  is  injurious  !    Doesn't  it  kill 

"'''lie  Co iksiun  on  Decimal  Coinage  was  in  preparation;  and  that   spiders?     Doesn't  it  stifle  gnats,  and  flies,  and  even  earwigs?     Isnl 

every  attempt  had   been  made  to  understand  the  subject.     Several   it  used  in  noblemen's  and  gentlemen's  gardens  to  fumigate  1  he  plants  ? 

Are  not  our  hothouses  and  summerhouses  smoked,  when  we  want  to 
pt  ndlof  the  vermin  :J  and  really  I  half  wish  sometimes  that  it  would 
have  the  same  effect  on  the  gentlemen,  when  they  will  persist  in  injuring 
themselves  (and  annoying  us)^  by  smoking  hours  alter  hours  to  the 

what  a  man  was, 
the  only  animal 


members  of  the  Commission  \vere  already  aware  that  decent  means  ten, 
,iud  that  it  is  easit  r  to  multiply  by  ten  than  by  four,  twelve,  or  twenty. 
t  is  nagafltad  that  some  decimal  nursery  rhymes  would  materially 
ud  the  Commission  in  saturating  the  minds  of  tne  English  people  with 
:ne  new  sjMcm,  as  in  about  the  time  that  darlings  now  baa-ing  to 
jlack  sheep,  thanking  pretty  cow  that  gave,  and  riding  to  Banbury 
cross,  are  bothering  for  latch-keys,  or  augling  for  husbands,  the 
lecimal  plan  will  be  ready. 

MR.  COHDE.N  brought  up  the  China  business.  He  moved  a  reso- 
ution  condemnatory  of  the  bombardment,  and  for  a  reference  of  the 
Thole  subject  to  a  Committee.  MR.  LABOUCHERE'S  answer  was  of 
he  windiest.  Sin  BOI.WER  LYTTON  thought  that  we  ought  to  treat 
he  Chinese  much  more  gently,  and  SIR  JOHN  RAMSAY  thought  that  we 
iad  been  treating  them  much  too  gently  for  fourteen  years.  SIR 

',  ItS  k'  I  V  V        T*PtJ  II  V       nrrilllrl          li  ni-n        irs-.i-n.-l        „«.,,',,,,  i         *U_  .  _  i  ? 'ff      _'J_       . 


PERRY  would  have  voted  against   the   motion"  if  it  was 
itended  to  turn  out  Ministers,  but  would  support  it  because  it  was 
.ist,  a  neat  distinction.  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL  went  his  hardest  a°ainst 
Government,  and  the  debate  was  adjourned  until 
Friday  when  (the  Lords  doing  nothing)  eleven  more'spceches  were 
ehvered  on  the  subject.    Of  the  five  by  lawyers  we  need  say  nothing 
!  the  others  httle  more  except  that  SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER  defended 
ii.vi.  Sr.YM!,i.-R  for  having  displayed  spirit  and  resolution,  articles 
which  SIR  C.  is  a  judge,  that  ADMIRAL  BERKELEY,  with  that  senti- 
'I  ol  i  rue  piety  for  which  the  BERKELEYS  are  notorious,  took  credit 
>  SETMOTTB  tor  not  having  begun  to  fire  until  Sunday  was  over,  and 
IR  JAMKS  GRAHAM,  seeing  a  good  chance  of  doing  mischief;  went 
m  for  it  with  Ins  wonted  yunt. 

1  his  evening  people  lounged  about  the  clubs  declaring  that  theGovern- 


ubominable  extent  they  do !  If  I  was  called  upon  to  say  what 
I  should  answer  it  by  giving  this  definition :  '  Man  is  the  c 
that  smokes.' " 

MRS.  BLOOMER  (Lecturer  on  the  Rights  of  Women,  §-c.).  "It  is  in- 
disputably of  injurious  effect,  for  that  which  has  the  unnatural  power 
of  separating  for  so  many  consecutive  hours  the  husband  from  the 
partner  of  his  joys,  cannot  well  be  beneficial  in  its  results,  any  more 
than  it  is  humanising  in  its  relations.  It,  is  my  firm  conviction  that  it 
brutahses  all  those  who  partake  of  it,  for  it  has  been  a  source  of  sorrow 
to  me  to  notice  that  a  husband,  when  he  has  been  smoking  to  a  kte 
hour  at  his  club,  invariably  returns  to  his  home  in  a  much  worse  temper 
tnan  when  he  left  it  in  the  morning.  He  leaves  happy  and  smilin"—  he 
returns  spiritless  and  discontented ! " 

[More  answers,  as  they  are  dropped  into  our  Tobacco-box. 


"GIN  A  BODY  MEET  A  BODY." 

THE  following  appeared  in  the  Liverpool  Daily  Post  last  week  :— 
A    Gentleman  accustomed  to  sit  with  a  recently  deceased  relative   who 
WayiSd^^  °f  *  Slmilar  O'0^"--     «•««•— 


Ihe  sitting  with  a  relative,  recently  deceased,  is,  of  course,  one  of 
those  acts  ol  attention  which,  though  they  may  be  founded  on  a  some- 
rehology  are  not  to  be  derided.    But  why  this  gentle- 
veriise  that  he  wishes  to  sit  with  another  defunct  rela- 


, 
m  a  grim  repose,  which  indicated  that  lie 


, 

ilfn     HXP        n  ?VT!!§  Pre-l  that  oveumg-  The  debate  was  a<iJ«'irne,i: 
Before  the  world  is  gladdened  with  this  number  of  Punch,  Brit  anuia 

'  "  * 


defunc't  CabinT 


for  a 


Dizzy  and   Misty. 
,?r,Kn;L,U1ST""\K  is,so  generally  considered  to  be  misty,  that  no 


LEAVE  OF  ABSENCE. 
MR.  PUNCH  has  great  pleasure  in  granting  the  following  Leaves  :— 

To  MR.  GLADSTONE,  H  days,  to  recover  from  his  mortifying  defeat  on  the  Budget 
MmU^.  '      '  DI8RAKU-  5  weeks-  to  P'-epore  His  next  onslaught  oa  the 

'  a  fortniffht  at  Easter-  to  euabl° 


. 
pi-ovincT8.R°BEKT 


tke 


SUCh  *ime 


to  lecture  in  the 
th°  iiabilitie3  °«he  British  Bank 


1HK   MAN   FOB  THE   POHEIGN   OTOCB. 

IF  ever  the  Manchester  party  should  get  into  power,  MR  COBDEN 
Sec'reSs"!1      'iV   °  ^"if  f°r  f°™*?  A/fairs.  '  Of  aU  foreign 
the  We  '     •    il        ff  *"*.      "  CTr,SW'"'  "le  ''"nouraWo  Member  for 
tiding  would  be  the  most  thoroughly  foreign. 


boredom.  J°SUUA  WALUSLEY-  UP  to  ««> 


of  the  session,  for  his  general  powers  of 


A  QUESTION  TO  MR.  LISKIATEB.-ME.  JOHN  MACGREGOR,  late 
Member  for  Glasgow,  having  very  handsomely  accepted  the  Chiltern 
Hundreds,  are  hey  m  any  way  available  with  the  gentleman's  after 
assets  as  a  dividend  in  the  matter  of  the  British  Bank? 


MARCH  7,  1857.] 


ITNTII,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


93 


THE    CHINESE    BOY. 

THE  Chinese  Boy  *o  the  war  is  gone, 

In  i  lie  House  of  Lords  to  floor /cm. 
Ills  IVieiid  ^  KH'S  sword  lie  has  girded  on, 

And  his  ixitlid  set,  before  him. 
"Laud  of  Ten,"  said  the  Noble  Lord, 

"  r'or  sauce  though  .1'  thce, 

One  !',••  .  without  reward. 

Shall  back,  defend,  ami  praise  thee. ' 

The  Champion  failed— his  attempt  was  vain, 

l!ui  .•iinbiiioii  won't  knock  under; 
lie '11  up  and  at  'em  .vet  again, 

With  a  roar  of  cmi>l>  thunder. 
And  si),  "  No  Main  shall  sully  me, 

No  dodge  of  factious  knavery. 
I  fight,  the  chief  of  the  pure  and  free, 

With  disinterested  bravery." 


FELINE  INTELLIGENCE. 

AMONG  the  enigmas  of  the  second  column  of  the  Times  we  have  been 
lately  not  a  little  puzzled  by  the  following : — 

LOST,  on  Monday  evening,  the  16th  inst.,  near  Fitzroy  Square,  a  large 
TABBY  CAT,  with  white  throat  and  feet,  aged  10  years.     Whoever  will  take  it 

i_    -m«_  _i__n     _ _:_,.    /Ax-'p    iirMTvni    TJfa"  *  DTI  V,-, 


to  MR. : shall  receive  ONE  POUND  EEWAED. 

farther  reward  will  bo  offered. 

Considering  the  visits  and  the  shillings  we  have  paid  to  the  Regent's 
Park  Gardens  and  to  WOMBWELL'S  Menagerie,  our  acquaintance  with 
zoology  can  be  scarce  below  the  average.  But  we  must  confess  to 
utter  ignorance  of  the  fact,  that  the  age  of  cats  may  be  discerned  like 
that  of  horses,  and  that  each  year  of  their  lives  is  distinguishably 
marked  in  them.  We  cannot  help  inferring  this  to  be  the  case  when 
we  find  the  years  of  a  lost  cat  precisely  stated,  as  being  one  of  the 
clues  by  which  the  finder  may  identify  it :  only  we  cannot  help  thinking 
that  for  the  guidance  of  people  as  ignorant  as  ourselves,  the  advertiser 
should  have  added  some  instruction  as  to  how  the  age  of  the  animal  is 
to  be  discovered.  We  might  recognise  a  rabbit  by  its  length  of  ears, 
but  the  years  of  a  cat  are  not  so  plainly  visible ;  and  were  we  to  catch 
a  stray  one  in  our  present  want,  of  knowledge,  we  could  no  more 
ascertain  if  it  were  then  in  its  tenth  year,  than  we  could  undertake  to 
say  hi  which  of  its  nine  lives  it  was  existing  when  we  caught  it. 


A  Card.    For  Naples. 


DUST   FROM  A   BATH   BRICK. 

hundred  and  ninety-nine  out  of  every  thousand  of  Mr.  PuncKi 
correspondents  are  compelled  to  be  content  \\illi  the  certainly,  that  for 
a  fraction  of  one  of  his  golden  niinnt.es  they  have  engaged  his 
intcnscst  attention— and  that  justice  will  be  done.  The  thousandth 
sometimes  obtains  public  answer.  MR  HKKUV  DALLAWAY,  of  Bath, 
is  one  in  a  thon.-and.  lie,  of  all  the  personages  referred  to  by  Mr. 
Punch  in  his  remarks  upon  the  mode  ill  which  the  poor  little  children 
at  Bath  were  baulked  of  their  pantomime,  has  addressed  Mr.  Punch 
\vitli  a  protest. 

MK.  DALLAWAY  states  that  he  "  has  sustained  an  unblemished  cha- 
nate  &r  twenty-five  yean."  Upon  this  fact  Mr.  Punch  begs  to  con- 
Kir  Mi;.  I  IM.I.AVV  \i.  even  while  temporarily  unable  to  discover 
its  exact  bearing  upon  the  subject .  Next  he  slants,  that  on  MR. 
CHUTE'S  offering  the  Guardians  of  the  Bath  Union  a  free  admission 
for  300  children,  he,  MR.  DALLAWAY,  objected  to  the  acceptance  of 
such  offer,  on  the  ground  that  "  it  was  calculated  to  do  person*  of  that 
more  harm  than  good."  Mr.  Punch  has  not,  and  never  expressed, 
the  least  doubt  that  .such  was  MR.  DALLAWAY'S  opinion,  and  it,  is  upon 
the  sentiment  lint  would  deprive  "that  class"  of  amusements  which 
are  thought  to  be  salutary  to  HER  MAJESTY'S  children,  and  .Mr. 
Punch's  children,  and  the  children  of  rate-payers,  that  Mr.  I 
makes,  and,  1>.V.,  intends  to  make,  incessant  war.  Thirdly,  ,M  n.  DAL- 
LAWAY stales,  thai  the  offer  having  been  courteously  refused,  "here 
the  matter  would  and  ought  to  have  rested,  but  MR.  CHUTE  and  some 
of  the  pot-house  Newspapers  took  up  the  subject  very  angrily,  and 
have  been  stirring  up  Earth  and  Hell  in  throwing  abuse  on  the  unfor- 
tunate Guardians."  That  MR.  DALLAW AY'S  character  is  unblemished, 
Mr.  j  i  fectly  ready  to  believe  upon  the  ipse  dixlt  of  a  gentle- 

man of  whom  Mr.  P.  never  heard  in  his  life  until  he  read  of  MR. 
DAI.LAWAY'S  ridiculous  conduct  in  the  Pantomime  and  Pauper  case; 
but  MR.  DALLAWAY'S  language,  as  above  given,  rather  bents  some 
savage  porter,  of  the  i  I  at  the  gate  of  certain  "London  work- 

house doors  to  bully  awav  the  poor,  than  the  calm,  just,  but  kindly 
Guardian,  who,  from  within,  directs  rational  relief.  We  must  leave 
the  epit  helical  D.  to  settle  with  the  journals  what  is  to  be  understood 
by  pot-house  Newspapers ;  but  if  the  term  imply  that  the  humbler  class, 
during  the  hours  of  refreshment,  seek  instruction  from  such  publi- 
cations, Mr.  Punch  is  happy  to  state  that  His  journal,  studied  at 
Windsor  Castle,  is  also  bethumbed  in  the  pot-house.  The  other 
figure  of  speech  indicates  an  amount  of  topographical  theology 
creditable  to  the  supporter  of  the  REVEREND  MR.  NEWNHAM,  the 
anti-pantomime  clergyman  of  Bath  ;  but  the  metaphor  is  slightly  con- 
fused, and  all  that  Mr.  Punch  can  make  out  of  it  is,  that  MR.  DALLA- 
WAY  is  in  a  vulgar  passion  and  uses  coarse  language. 

MR.  DALLAW  AY  next  enters  into  details  as  to  the  comforts  "of  the 
Bath  Union,  and  his  statements  are  so  gratifying  that  their  entire 
irrelevance  may  be  overlooked.  He  then  draws  a  contrast  between  the 
happy  Bath  pauper  and  the  unhappy  Bath  rate-payer,  in  numerous  cases 
a  lodging-house  keeper  who  has  but  a  few  months  for  extortionate 
charges,  and  during  the  rest  of  the  year  lives  upon  his  plunder  and  his 
basement  floor.  The  contrast  is  afflicting,  but  fails  to  establish,  irre- 
fragably,  that  the  poor  little  children  ought  to  have  been  prevented 
from  seeing  Jack  and  the  Beanstalk.  Feeling  this,  MR.  DALLAWAY, 
on  his  sixtn  page,  finishes  off  Mr.  Punch  with  some  logic.  His  objection 
was,  that  the  taking  the  children  to  the  theatre  would  have  been  "the 
placing  them  in  an  unnatural  position,"  (does  MR.  D.  think  that  the 
spectators  stand  on  their  hands,  like  the  clown  ? )  "  raising  their  tastes 
and  ideas  to  a  false  standard"  (poor  brats— up  to  the  top  of  the 
Beanstalk  at  least),  "and  perhaps  implanting  a  propensity  for  sight- 
seeing which  they  might  rob  their  employers  to  gratify." 

This  last  is  a  home-thrust,  and  must  be  applauded  by  every  Bath 
lodging-house  keeper,  as  she  looks  out  the  "other"  key  to  her  lodger's 
tea-caddy.  A  far-sighted  friend  is  MR.  DALLAWAY — a  real  Guardian 
of  the  Poor.  From  what  may  not  those  300  children  have  been  saved 
by  that  actVwhich  dashed  their  merriment,  and  blighted  their  hopes ? 
The  fieauxtalk  in iglit,  who  knows?  have  eventually  turned  to  Hemp; 
Jack  might  have  prefigured  another  inevitable  Jack,  fatally  known  at 
Newgate ;  every  trap  that  opened  might  have  hinted  at  the  drop,  and 
Harlequin's  black  cap  have  symbolised  that  of  the  judge  who  ten  years 
hence  shall  go  the  Western  Circuit.  MK.  DALLAWAY  has  floored  us, 
and  needed  not  instantly  proceed  to  weaken  his  case  by  a  reference  to 
"late  hours"  which  has  really  little  to  do  with  a  morning  performance, 
or  by  the  discomfiting  sneer  which,  as  an  arriere pensee  lie  has  written 
on  his  envelope,  "Represent  the  Union  children  going  in  state  to  the 
theatre,  and  the  rate-payers  sweeping  the  streets  for  them."  No,  MR. 
DALLAWAY,  and  do  not  you  be  petulant,  even  on  the  strength  of  twenty- 
five  years  of  a  good  Bath  character.  Your  logic  has  prostrated  Mr. 
,  and  that  gentleman  has  barely  strength  to  hint,  in  getting  away 


MR.  MIVART  presents   his  Compliments  to  his  Catholic  Majesty, 
FERDINAND,  King  of  the  Two  Sicilies,  and  begs  to  be  allowed  to  state  that,  at    -  , D »  -     — Y —  — '  — ° ' 

the  present  critical  juncture,  he  can  accommodate  at  his  well-known  Hotel,  any    from  SO   formidable   an  antagonist,   that    all   Mr.  P.  ventured   to 

Uncrowned  Head  seek,,,,:  t.nn,nory  retirement,  with , a  most  commodious  smte ;  of  i  against,  MR.  D.  was  to  reprint  his  own  declaration  that  he  had  seeii 
K^^^^TT^^A^^^^^^^^S>  tp?™W.  He  *!&&«»  °n?  in  Bath  when  this  epistolary 
Premises.  feat  of  his  is  the  subject  of  family  discussion. 


9-1 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARlyAllI. 


[MARCH  7,  1857. 


N.B. 

THESE  YOUNG  GENTLEMES  ARE  NOT  INDULGING  IN  THE  FILTHY  HABIT  OF 
SMOKING.— THEY  ABE  ONLY  CHEWINO  TOOTHPICKS,  THE  COMFORTING  AND  ELEGANT 
PRACTICE  NOW  so  MUCH  IN  VOGUE. 

[  Vide  Public  Streets,  particularly  St.  James's  Street,  Regent  Street,  Bond  Street,  and 
Her  Majesty's  Park  of  Hyde. 


THE  EXPECTED  COMET. 

(To  DR.  GUMMING.) 

AlB— "  Draw  the  Sword,  Scotland." 

HEY  !  a  Comet 's  coining,  GUMMING,  GUMMING, 
Ho  !  a  Comet 's  coming,  expected  very  soon ; 
Unless  folks  are,  humming,  humming,  humming, 
The  Comet  will  be  here  on  the  Thirteenth  day  of  J  tine. 
Prognostication 
Spreads  consternation, 
And  with  prostration, 
Old  women  swoon, 

Thinking  of  the  Comet,  coming,  GUMMING, 
The  Comet  that  is  due  on  the  Thirteenth  day  of  June  : 

Because  the  Comet  coming,  GUMMING,  GUMMING, 

Because  the  Comet  coming,  astrologers  declare, — 
Silly  people  humming,  humming,  humming, 
Silly  people  humming,— will  blow  us  into  air, 
Fouling  this  planet : 
Goodness  ! — how  can  it, 
If  we  but  scan  it, 
The  spheres  so  untune, 
By  the  Comet  coming,  GUMMING,  GUMMING, 
'By  the  Comet  coming  and  due  this  blessed  June  ? 

We  know  better,  GUMMING,  don't  we,  GUMMING  ? 

We  are  sure  that  any  astrologer 's  a  loon, 
Or  else  a  knave  and  humbug,  humming,  humming, 
Who  says  the  world  is  coming  to  its  end  so  very  soon, 
'  Three  years,  if  not  more, 
Lease  it  has  got  more, 
May  be  a  lot  more, 
Along  with  the  moon, 

Though  a  Comet 's  coming,  GUMMING,  GUMMING, 
Though  a  Comet 's  coming— possibly  in  June. 

If  the  Comet 's  coming,  GUMMING,  GUMMING, 
If  the  Comet 's  coming,  ice  will  be  a  boon, 
When  the  flies  are  humming,  humming,  humming, 
When  the  flies  are  humming  on  a  sultry  afternoon. 
Hotter  weather  may  prevail, 
If  it  switch  us  with  its  tail, 
How  very  like  a  whale, 
Stung  by  a  harpoon ! 

Let  us  hope  the  Comet,  GUMMING,  CUMMING,_ 
Won't  come  it  quite  so  very  strong  as  that  in  June. 


THE  NEW  BEER  BILL. 

WHO  would  expect  to  find  a  coffee-mill  or  a  tea-pot  in  a  beer-barrel? 
Nevertheless,  here  is  a  new  "  Sale  of  Beer  Bill "  introduced  into 
Parliament,  a  Bill,  in  fact,  not  so  much  dealing  with  the  sale  of  beer, 
as  with  the  sale  of  tea  and  coffee.  The  thing  is  a  publican's  measure. 
We  hear  the  voice  of  BONIFACE  speaking  from  the  bung-hole.  Coffee- 
shops  are  to  be  especially  subjected  to  the  official  eye  of  the  police, 
and  the  evil  eye  of  the  fnformer,  for  the  larger  licence  of  the  Bunch  of 
Grapes  and  the  Horse-and-Anchor.  Foi  instance,  every  keeper  of  a 
coffee-shop  is  to  be  licensed  at  petty  sessions  by  two  justices  of  the 
peace !  Why  ?  As  well  should  MRS.  PARTINGTON  be  licensed  ere  she 
be  permitted  to  fill  her  tea-kettle.  Next :  the  price  of  the  licence  is 
to  be  £2.  Why  not  £5  ?  If  cost  is  to  convey  a  sense  of  importance, 
why  not  the  larger  instead  of  the  lesser  sum  ?  But  will  the  cost  of  the 
licence,  whatever  it  may  be,  fall  upon  the  coffee-house  keeper  ? 
Certainly  not.  It  must  be  defrayed  by  his  customers;  by  that 
abandoned  class  of  society  that  is  found  throughout  the  Metropolis 
by  hundreds  with  their  elbows  on  coffee-house  tables — coffee,  and  haply 
the  further  dissipation  of  a  muffin  beside  them — and  spread  before 
their  meditative  eyes  the  pages  of  Punch,  or  some  such  revo- 
lutionary print,  whose  sole  purpose  it  is  to  turn  the  throne  into  a 
three-legged  stool,  and  the  monarchy  into  a  republic. 

Again,  these  pestiferous  coffee-shops,  under  the  new  Bill,  are  to  be 
closed  at  nine  o'clock  at  night ;  that  conspiracies  may  no  longer  be 
hatched  over  the  thin-veiled  pretence  of  bohca  and  mocha.  What 
then  ?  If  the  "  Talfourd  coffee-house,"  in  Farringdon  Street  be  shut  at 
nine — and  the  shade  of  the  gracious  judge  must  be  pleased  and  mollified 
that  under  his  name  flourishes  the  tea-shrub  and  the  coffee-plant — if 
"  Talfourd  "  be  closed  at  nine,  is  not  the  neighbouring  Red  Lion  open 
until  twelve?  Away,  then,  with  thin  libations,  and  welcome  the 
frothing  "  heavy !  "  Shove  aside  the  effeminacy  of  cups  and  saucers, 
and  give  us  the  manly  pewter ! 


We  trust  that  this  new  "  Sale  of  Beer  Bill,"  which  is,  in  fact,  a 
"Bill  to  discourage  Coffee-shops,"  will  be  narrowly  watched.  Poli- 
ticians owe  it  to  their  own  poetic  character  to  guard  the  interests  of 
the  Mocha's  sober  juice : — 

"  Coffee  that  makes  the  politician  wise, 
To  see  tliro'  all  things  with  his  half-shut  eyes." 

Coffee  must  not  be  put  upon  by  the  beer-cask ;  and  the  Bill  before 
us  is  evidently  a  Publican's  BUI ;  a  Bill,  in  fact,  made  and  provided  for 
those  who  are  given  to  their  cups,  but  rarely  to  their  saucers. 


Latest  Intelligence  from  China. 

(By  Ethereal  and  Mesmeric  Telegraph.) 

Canton,  12'30  p.m.    Feb.  2fi. 

SIR  JOHN  BOWEING  complains  of  a  violent  burning  of  the  ears. 
He  says  that  he  knows  people  are  talking  about  him. 

ADMIRAL  SIR  M.  SEYMOUR  has  experienced  the  same  sensation  in 
a  milder  degree,  and  expresses  a  similar  opinion. 


lord  Derby's  Chinese  Motion. 

BROWN  observed  that  "  he  thought  LOUD  DERBY'S  motion  on  the 
part  of  the  suffering  Chinese,  proved  him  a  man  of  the  widest  geo- 
graphy of  heart."  JONES — the  bitter  JONES — demurred  to  the  bene- 
volence of  the  opinion :  saying  that  "  he  saw  in  the  motion  nothing 
more  than  a  shabby  attempt  at  tea  and  turn  out." 


A  CHINA  BASIN  FOR  SIR  JAMES  GRAHAM.— The  pathetic  SIR  JAMES 
— weeping  over  the  amiable  and  innocent  YEH — proposes  "  to  wash  his 
hands."  How  very  dirty  the  water  will  be ! 


53 
O 

S3 


H 

« 

- 

tr* 
o 

55 
O 
O 
X 


> 

so 


• 

o 


MARCH  7,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON 


97 


PUNCH'S    COMPLETE    TRADESMAN. 

No.  II. 

R.  Gnu;,  of  the  Italian  Warehouse,  is  at  breakfast  with  MBS.  GJUG, 
several  little  GKK.S,  and  tlui  Hhopu 


Mus.  Giiiii.  Don't  gobble  up 
vim-  breakfast  as  it' t lie  house 
\v;is  on  lire',  Mu.  GKIG.  .Re- 
member tliat  it  is  Sunday 
nioniiiiir,  niul  \on  have  no- 
thing to  do  except  to  take 
us  out. 

Mr.  Grig.  So  it  is,  J EMniA. 
but  habit's  habit.  JACK,  I'll 
k   ><iu i-  head  if  you  pull 
SM.I.Y'N  hair  again.    JIM,  sit 
further  from  MARY,  you  do 
nothing  but  squabble.  If  you 
five  together  in  love 
like  Christian  children,  I'm 
Messed  if  I  don't  whip  you 
aQ  round. 

Mrs.  Grig.  Don't  be  cross 
Vith  them,  Mil.  GRIG.  If 
you'd  talk  to  them  instead 
of  burying  your  head  in  that 
newspaper,  they'd  be  quiet. 
Will  you  have  an  anchovy  P 
Mr.  Gria.  No,  thank  you, 
I  should  think  not. 

Mrs.  Grig.  Don't  be  fright- 
ened. These  are  not  out  of 
the  shop. 

Mr.  Grig.  Are  they  what  your  brother  brought  home  ?    Then  hand 
'em  over.    JACK,  wliere  do  anchovies  come  from? 
Jack.  Off  the  third  shelf,  right  hand  side,  next  the  pickles. 
Mr.  Grig  (boxes  his  ears).  Take  that,  Sir,  for  your  impertinence,  and 
I  've  a  good  mind  to  say  you  shan't  go  out  to-day.  ,    ,  .    , 

Manj(iiitermti,/gln).  He  knows  quite  well,  Pa;  it  s  only  his  tun. 
Mr  '(,'rii;.  When  1  ask  a  question,  I  expect  a  respectful  answer,  and 
1  'II  have  it .    Now.  Sir,  if  you  do  know,  say. 

Jack  (mdlcnly).  Common  on  the  coasts  ot  Portugal  Spam  and  France 
i-o  been  taken  on  our  own  is  found  all  along  the  Mediterranean 
the  Romans  made  a  liquor  called  garum  from  it  it  is  fished  lor  at  night 
and  import fd  in  barrels  preserved  hi  brine  made  with  rock  salt. 

Mrs.  Grig.  I  can't  think  how  you  can  be  so  harsh  with  the  child. 
He  learns  very  well. 
Mr.  Grig.  Let  him  learn  his  duty  to  me. 

Shopman  (in  order  to  makepeace).  He'll  remember  another  time,  Sir. 
His  heart 's  in  the  right  place. 

Mrs  Grig  (pleased).  Some  more  tea,  COBBOLD?    Tours  is  cold. 
Shopman,  thank  yon,  M'm,  I  don't  know  but  what  I  will.    ME. 
GRIG  don't  tell  us,  M'm,  that  there 's  a  little  more  Jo  do  to  the 
anchovies  before  the  public  gets  them. 

Mr.  Grig  (glad  of  an  excuse  to  be  good-natured  again),  lirst  catcU 
your  anchovy,  COBBOLD,  or  rather  first  don't  catch  it.  Catch  your 
sprat. 

Mrs.  Grig.  Sprats  are  very  good  things.  . 

Mr  Grig.  No  doubt  of  it,  my  dear.  And  if  you  put  them  into  tlie 
brine  in  which  the  real  anchovy  has  been,  and  especially  if  you  colour 

that  brine  rather  highly  with  bole  Armenian 

Jim.  That 's  a  red  earth  full  of  iron. 

!//•  Gria.  Right,  JIM,  and  iron  's  healthy  in  some  diseases,  and  so 
as  I  said,  if  you  do  that,  or,  if  you  like,  you  may  make  your  bole 

Armenian  of  chalk  and  Venetian  red 

Jim.  Which  often  contains  red  lead. 

Mr.  Grig.  Well,  I  dare  say  that 's  good  in  some  diseases  too,  it  we 
only  knew  it.    That 's  the  way  to  make  anchovies. 
Mary,  lint  \vhatT  the  ted  mixture  for,  Pa? 

Mr.  Grig.  Why,  my  dear,  if  a  customer  asked  me,  I  should  say,  to 
improve  ranee  of  the  fish,  because  customers  ought  not  to  be 

too  curious.    The  reason  I  should  give  to  you  is,  that  the  colour  hides 
the  dirtj  state  of  the  brine.  . 

Mary.  I  wonder  people  like  to  buy  such  things.      Why,  in  tl 
sample  Ma.  op  ,'rday,  you  might  take  the  red  earth  and  mess 

!» •  bottles  by  tea-spoonfuls. 

Mrs.  Grig  (laughing).  Somebody 's  doing  it  now,  I  dare  say,  lor  we 
sold  a  good  many  bottles  last  night. 
Sho]iiiiuit.   Klcviiiir.  M'm. 

Mr.  Grig.  If  people  don't  complain,  it's  no  business   of  ours, 
know  this,  that  out  of  twenty-eight  samples  of  trade  anchovies  that 
were  examined  by  a  party  I  know,  not  one-third  were  the  real  tlung. 

Mrs.  (', f'nj.  These  here  are  capital,  these  of  TOM'S.  Look  at  the 
fish,  now.  'How  anybody  in  their  senses  can  take  a  sprat  for  an  anchovy ! 


NT.  Grin.  You  would,  only  you  are  told  first.  The  s,|ucc/.ing  and 
mutilation  in  bottling  and  the  red  stutV,  docs  the  tnek  tor  almost  every- 
body. Bv  the  wav,  did  the  potted  things  come  in? 

Mrs.  Grig.  No.'  What  did  you  go  buying  more  for^  We  vc  a 
precious  stock  ill  hand.  _,.  ,  , 

Ur.Oriff.  <  se  are  more  advantageous.    There  s  a  good 

deal  more  Hour  put  into  them. 

Mrs.  Gri<i.   Piaster  of  1'aris  is  just  as  good.  ,,  ,  T  ,     ,       , 

I/,-    (trig.   V,,  or  chalk,  like  those  in  the  shop,     l.ul   1  had  a  cha 
to  buy  we'll.     1  've  bought  some  anchovy  paste  too,  and  inino 
of  it    COBBOLD,  as  tirsl  rate.     A  man  I  know  has  made  it.      He  ftpugnt 
a  lot  of  sprats  and  cheap  lish,  ami  bruised  them  up,  wdl  seasoned,  and 
coloured  with  Venetian  red,  and   I'm  blow'd  if  you'd  know 'em  from 

^Mrs.  l(Jriff"  1   wonder  if  that  Venetian  red  is  poison.    The  bloater 
lade  .liM  ill  one  day.  .        ,         „ 

Mr  Qrig.   lb:,ii:it,.liMiM\,youncverletthecliddhav<;it,didyou 

Hang  it  all.!     \Vhy,  it,  's  most  deleterious.    I  wouldn't  give  it  to  any- 
body on  any  account. 

Murii    liiit  you  sell  it,  Papa.  „ 

Jlr.Grif.  That  is  not  giving  it,  MOI.LY.     And  that  s  [in  the  way  ot 
trade     Yoa  don't  understand  the  difference.      I  here  arc  the  bells,  H 
re'!    Be  off  to  church  with  yon,  and  I'll  have  my  cigar,  m  tlie 

inc. 

The  Females.  But  you  take  ns  out  in  the  afternoon . 

Mr.  Grig.  Well,  we  '11  see.    If  yon  young  mis  give  me  the  text  and 
a  "ood  account  of  the  sermon,  perhaps  I  will.    (To  Shopman,  slyly). 
I  think  the  profit  on   the  new  anchovies  will   pay  for  a  chaise  t 
Hampton  Court. 


ANALYSIS  OP  OUR  COLLECTIVE  WISDOM. 

A  CAREFUL  analysis  of  the  Parliament"  of  1852,  as  it  is  at  present 
oddly  constituted  'in  this  its  moribund  year,  gives  the  tollowing 
results : — 

Members,  who  drop  their  H's,  and  are  periodically  tho  victims  of 

misplaced  aspirations „ 

Members,  who  wear  white  hats    . ' 

Ditto,  who  part  their  hair  down  the  middle » 

Fanatics,  who  cheer  SPOOSEB * 

Enthusiasts,  who  believe  in  LORD  JOHK ;» 

Ditto  who  place  confidence  m  DISRAELI       .        .        .        •        •     •  * 

Lawyers,  who  have  ffone  into  Parliament  in  the  hope,  of  political  ^ 

ConunurctaTand  Railway  men,  Whose' object  is  to  puff  their  own 
schemes  and  support  their  own  Companies  .  .  .  •  J 

Kcd  Tapists,  and  Members  holding  office,  or  connected  with  pel-sons 
holeRng  office  under  Government  .  .  .  •  •  •  •  ' 

Sanguine,  speculative,  or  seedy  Members,  with  the  hope  or 
promise  of  holding  office  under  Government  . 

Army  and  Navy  Members,  who  have  an  interest  in  backing  up,  or 
currying  favour  with,  the  Admiralty  or  Horse  Guards  .  . 

Members  under  the  influence  of  petticoat  government,  and  voting 
precisely  as  their  wives,  or  mothers-in-law,  or  any  congenial- 
minded  old  women  bid  them ji 

Men  of  letters,  science,  and  proved  ability        .  •        '        j 

Vacant  seats,  and  by  no  means  tho  worst  filled  •        •        •        •     •        i 

High-minded  patriots— (say,  so  as  to  be  on  the  safe  side) 


Total 


054  seats. 


We  only  hope  that  the  next  general  election  will  have  the  effect  of 
presenting  the  nation  with  a  more  favourable  analysis.    It  not,  we 
shall  move  that  an  Analytical  Commission,  under  the  presidency  ol 
Dii.   lUssu.L,  be  formed  to  inquire  into  the  corruptions  and  adul 
rations  of  Government. 

EPISCOPAL. 

LAST  week  it  was  maliciously'reported  in' the  lobby  of  the  House  of 
Lords,  that  the  BISHOP  or  OxFOBD-much  moved  by  the  powerful 
speech  of  LOUD  DERBY  on  the  Chinese  broil— had  offered  himse 
ready  to  proceed  to  Canton  as  a  bearer  of  a  flag  of  truce ;  and  further 
to  present  a  letter  of  invitation  from  his  Lordship  to  GOVERNOR  £U 
to  pass  a  few  weeks  with  the  PREMIER  expectant  at  St.  James  s  bquare 
and  Kuowsley.    We  may,  however,  state  that  on  the  part  ot  one 
reverend  member  of  the  Bench  such  an.  offer  has  really  beeu  made,  but 
the  name  of  the  enthusiast  has  not  yet  transpired.    Indeed,  pernaps 
may  never  be_disclosed. 

Very  Ironical. 

LORD  ELLENBOROUGII  thought  he  applied  a  terrible  cautery  to  SIB 
J.  BOWIUNO,  when  sinking  his  knighthood,  the  noble  lord  resolutely 
called  him  "Doctor."  Very  stinging  this.  But  his  lordship  should 
take  heed.  Is  he  not  open  to  reprisals?  What,  for  instance,  it 
GOVERNOR  BOWRING,  in  his  future  despatches,  studiously  forgetful  ot 
the  fullness  of  his  Lordship's  dignity,  should  determine  upon  .calling 
him  nothing  but  "  ELLEN  :  " 


98 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  7,  1857. 


A  CHALLENGE. 

WE  wager  six  haunches  of  Southdown  mutton  against  twelve  buf 
falo's  humps,  that  an  English  postman  will  go  through  more  rapping 
on  St.  Valentine's  Day  than  an  American  spiritualist  on  all  the  othe 
days  of  the  year  put  together ;  and  moreover,  that  a  medium  (either  ii 
the  shape  of  a  cook,  or  a  housemaid,  or  a  young,  or  elderly,  lady 
shall  answer  in  every  case,  and  answer,  too,  at  the  very  first  rap 
without  keeping  the  spirit-rapper  waiting  longer  than  is  just  necessary 
for  him  to  spell  his  letters.  If  our  Yankee  spiritualists  decline  this 
challenge,  we  shall  infer  that  there  is  no  longer  any  spirit  left  in  them 

.    -;-- 


GESLER'S    HAT. 

ONCE  upon  a  time,  the  spirit  of  Switzerland,  working  in  the  unbon- 
neted  WILLIAM  TELL  looked  defiance  at  GESLER'S  Hat,  stuck  upon  a 
pole,  to  test  the  manhood  of  a  free  people.    And  now  Switzerland 
sends  her  children-or  permits  them  to  depart  and  take  liverv  in  the 
odious  service-to  mount  guard  about  the  pole,  and  to  compel  men 
women,  and  children,  to  So  servile  obedience  to  the  POPE'S  tripTe 
sST"  1     ,the  d°uble  diadem  of  the  Two  Sicilies.    Pity  is  it,  t£at 
itzerland,  who  knows  so  well  how  to  be  free  at  home,  has  become  a 
••fi;  Sr  d  and  a,PrOTerb  as  the  nursing  mother  of  a  family  of  flunkeys 
with  plush  in  their  souls,  with  their  very  minds  in  liverv,  devoted  to 

hands  of  a  FEEDINA™'  to  "*  * 


roar,  and  hunts  silently  as  coming  death.  Ill-favoured,  sinister  beast  ! 
It  carries  a  golden  collar  charged  with  the  arms  of  the  Two  Sicilies' 
and  licks  its  jaws  red  with  man-hunting.  And  was  this  beast  bred  in 
the  mountain-home  of  Switzerland?  Was  this  badged  brute  of 
slaughter  a  thing  of  the  land  of  TELL?  A  thing  to  be  patted  by  the 
liana  ot  BOHBA,  and  fed  upon  his  scraps  ? 

.  Will  Switzerland  remain  silent  ?  Will  she  not,  with  the  voice  of  an 
indignant  mother,  call  back  her  children,  or  denounce  them  as  hirelings 
tor  blood—  as  turnkeys  and  torturers  for  daily  wages?  Will  she 
consent  to  share  in  the  shame  of  tyranny  by  licensing  its  instruments  ? 
.Let  us  see  to  what  iniquities  Switzerland,  in  the  person  of  her  soldiers 
-her  despot's  guards  upon  blood-  wages  -lends  herself  and  ministers 
How  fare  the  Neapolitan  state  prisoners  in  the  castle  of  Monte  Sarchio 
where  BOMBA  keeps  his  victims,  as  the  ogre  POLYPHEMUS  kept  his 
to  be  devoured  in  due  season  ?  How  goes  it  with  POERIO  ? 


i'  OERIO 

ith  the  undaunted  man,  stubborn  to  the  death  in  his  championship 
of  truth  and  right?  Well,  POERIO—  with  manacled  body—  has  lost 
one  eye;  total  iblmdness  is  fast  coming  on,  speeded  by  racking 
rheumatism,  and  a  cough  so  deep  so  wearing,  that  it  might  almost 
move  the  bowels  of  the  king  gaoler,  FERDINAND  himself.  Nevertheless 
bwitzerland  continues  at  once  the  guard  and  turnkey  of  weD-ni^h' 
extinguished  POERIO.  Switzerland  with  her  eagle  glance  of  freedom 
can  accustom  her  eyes  to  the  charnel  darkness  ot  a  dungeon  •  and  still 
tiave  vision  sufficient  to  see  that  her  wages  are  no  counterfeit  but  of 
the  right  metal  Switzerland,  with  her  ear  attuned  to  foaming  cata- 
racts and  bounding  streams,  can  critically  listen,  when  she  rings  her 
homicidal  wages,-  to  know  if  the  coin  be  of  the  right  and  true  musical 
nDrfttiou* 


Jne  bTExo-by  last  accounts  sent  to  the  minister  of  merry  England- 
US  no  stomach  for  prison  fare,  all  food  being  rejected.  VINCENZO  DONO 
las  been  on  the  rack  of  rheumatism  for  five  months  ;  Nisco  is  tortured 
>y  incessant  pains  of  the  stomach  ;  and  ALPHONSO  ZEULI,  aged  twenty- 
?"f'  dl.ed°f  consumption:  and  died  in  chains.  In  chains,  Switzerland  ! 
t  still  he  rebelliously  died;  there  being  no  possible  gag  or  barring. 
ron  to  keep  in  the  rebel  soul  that,  haply,  flew  accusingly  to  God 
iccusingly  of  the  monster  who  holds  bloody  carnival  with  his  own 
houg  its  at  Caserta.  Near  ZEULI,  lay  PIRROII,  a  judge  in  chains,  and 
almost  motionless  as  a  corpse.  Justice  in  manacles  ;  and  Switzerland 
he  W^ehSe°mert  chlldrcn>  keeping  hireling  guard  of  the  victim  of 

^^u"^  pausf  c  f°  ]?ok  into  the  Roman  dungeons,  with  locks 

urned  by  the  keys  of  ST.  PE  TER-Pius     We  will  not  count  the  harried, 

itten    half-flayed  sheep-  the  ruddled  property,  for  is  not  the  cross 

upon  their  backs  P-of  .the  pastoral  Pope.    Enough  that  he  has  hireling 

of  gfr£r  the,,m?,u"tal'IS  a"d  vaUeys  of  Switzerland,  the  vaunted  horn! 

'-          the  HTeried 


-?  Switzerland,  in  the  face  of  this  reproach-a  reproach,  eating 
anker-hke  into  her  fair  name-can  Switzerland  pause  ere  she  call! 
sack  her  Swiss  from  Rome,  her  Swiss  from  Naples;  and  bein-  called 
nd  commg  not-ere  she  fails  to  cast  them  off  and  for  ever  to  denounce 

^  b°Uht  ^  S°l 


Oh,  Helvetian  lion   and  must  it  be  ever  thus  ?    It  was  bad  enough 

£  watpMl  fTw  nnt°  aA°?dle  tor  the  KinSs  of  rrance;  and 
faithfully   and  biting  bravely  you  were  knocked  on 

™,  SI^SP?^  l±sstTeHyerynsy  ^ in  Paris- Poodle  •» 

majesty  clipped  closely  as  any 
game;   and  Tn 


IfSwitzerland  will  not  do  this,  let  us  hear  no  more  of  the  Helvetian 

tlv  fnr  ft  W#h,Sw.lss  fHards  at  Rome,  with  Swiss  guards  at  Naples 

ruly  tor  the  Helvetian  Lion  we  must  have  the  Helvetian  Hyena 


The  Advantage  of  Earnestness 


has  carved  you 
rock,  great  lion  of  Lucerne 


ved 


question 


arbarously  outraged  Chinese.    The  noble  Earl  would  ' 

and  ener?ctic  sPecch,  if  the  ruptoet 
a!f  *b*Ma&m   of  his   own,Pmd  K 
°bllsed  to  speak  on  th*  other  "de  of  the 


And  now,  transformed  to  a  shepherd's  dog  the  Helvetian  T  inn  k 
°[  t!ic  PW  the  Scvfin  H'll'    and  w,  r    rt,l 

SSS?  thi',nks  It4?0?d  IM  !?is  flo('k  sho'jld  b>™  SS 

liti  I.  -lambs.  ~and>  aU  for  tnelr  hcaltlls  ^e,  even  bites  the 

In  Naples,  the  lion  of  Helvetia,  turned  to  a  blood-hound,  has  lost  its 


Mr.  Gladstone's  Game 

fc 


MARCH  7,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


99 


REFORM    YOUR    SOLDIER'S    BILLS. 

IX    WAK   OKI-ICE   BUILDINGS.") 

IL  dear,  what,  can  the  mutter  be! 

Oh  dear,  what  shall  we  do  ! 
Here  's.luiiN  I'.i  i.i.  ill  a  |ia-sion 
With  us  anil  our  Estimates 
too! 

e.'s  GLADSTONE  by  anticipa- 
tion 
Our   budget  proceeds  up  to 

blow : 
Hcrc.'s    D'IzzY    in    daug'rous 

flirtation, 

With  GLAD.STONI:   and  tiii.v- 
UAJI  and  Co. 

Here's  the  country,  against  the 

War-Ninepence 
Protesting  with    stamp  and 

with  I'rowu: 
Here's  PAM  swears  JOHN"  BULL 

must,  be  humoured, 
And    Kstimates  must  be   cut 
down. 

Hero 's  PANMURE,  premature  in 

disclosure, 
To  his  friends  at  Arbroath  has 

declared, 

He  hasn't  a  doubt  t  \\ent;.  millions 
Prom  last  year's  accounts  may  be  spared. 

Though  such  after-dinner  reduction 

The  morning's  reflection  won't  bear, 
The  mischief  is  clone,  and  the  point  is 

As  \ve  must  cut  down  costs,  to  find  where. 

Of  course,  with  the  Staff  we  can't  tamper, 
( )f  wane,  we  can't  touch  the  Horse-Guards  ; 

\Vc  must  stand  by  our  friends  and  relai 
And  not  meddle  with  well-earned  rewards. 

'i\  ii  h  two  Colonels  for  every  regiment 

\\  e  ean't  think  of  doing  away: 
One  is  wanted  to  look  to  the  duty, 
The  other  to  pocket  the  pay. 

Private  sees,  A.  D.  C.'s  are  appointments 

To  lie  kept  up  in  spite  of  the  sin 
To  the  service  they're  most  ornanii"! 

And  we  all  must  "  take  care"  of  our  "DowBS." 

In  the  higher-class  posts  of  the  service 

We  don't  see  room  for  sparing  a  man : 
And  to  live  on  the  sal'rie.s  now  paid  them 

Is  as  much  as  such  officers  can. 

But  we  've  reason,  by  all  we  can  gather 

1'rom  Heads  of  Departments'  remarks, 
To  believe,  that  eachoranch  of  the  office 

.May  dispense  with  a  batch  of  its  clerks. 

Then,  for  I  hose  paid  too  little  already 
For  (heir  work  (as  they  saucily  say), 

i'i  mitter  much,  from  that  little, 
If  a  trifle  be  cheese-pared  away. 

There  are  works,  too,  that  may  be  suspended, 

Which  won't  involve  much  turning  out, 
Save  of  lab'rers,  and  that  sort  of  persons, 

Whose  int'rcsts  we  can't  think  about. 

Such  suspension,  'tis  true,  will  make  useless 
<  osl,  to  which  we  already  have  run: 

Will  cripple  much-needed  improvements, 
And  arrest  useful  plans  just  begun. 

Clothes,  harness,  and  stores  may  lie  rotting, 

Or  be  sold  out  of  hand,  for  a  song : 
Chins  and  mort.iirs  may  lack  shells  and  shotting, 

Aiul  rifles  and  rockets  go  wrong. 

Land-transport  and  hospital  service, 

As  in  the  late  \rar,  may  break  down  : 
Commissariat  duty,  belildercd, 

With  starvation  our  blunders  may  crown. 


I'lin  .IOMV  I'.i  i  ,  a  determined  on  wring; 

Ami,  of  course,  to  his  bidding  we  bow. 
Hit  or  miss,  we'll  slash  down  tin-  --UM-totals, 

To  what  his  close-list  will  allow. 

i  of  items," 

"  lieinod'lliii^  the  service,"  and  all, — 
We'll  cut  -a  here  we  least  feel  the  knife,  Sir, 
On  JOHN  BILL  let  the  consequence  full. 


\VIIY  LAITIES  CANNOT  SIT  IN  PARLIAMENT. 

OXK  of  the  pet  grievances  of  those  strong-minded  women,  who  lose 
their  time  :•  in  talking  of  their  "  Rights,"  is  that  by  the  law 

-lands,  ladies   are   not   .suffered   to  have  seats  in   1'ar- 
iit.    Now,  without  being  ungallant  enough  to  show  the  absurdity 
king  a  complaint  oi'uliat,  t hey  ought  to  feel  rejoiced  at,  we  will 
be  content    with  simply  proving  that  to  comply  with  their  demand 
would  be  at  present  quite  impossible.     Granting  that,  a   Female  Par- 
liament, <T    House    ")'    Ladies,    were  to  meet,  we   need  scarcely    dwell 
upon  the  difficulty  that  there  would  be  <  them  from  speaking 

all  together:  nor  how  impossible  the  Sueakercss  would  lind  it  to  pro- 
ceed with  public  business,  without  enforcing  some  s\ich  order  as  that 
i  lore  than  six  (say)  should  be  on  their  legs  at  once.  But  it  seems 
to  US  that  were  the  nicmlicresses  properly  returned,  it,  would  still  be 
quite  preposterous  for  more,  than  one  in  twenty  of  them  to  expect  to 
have  a  scat,  for  the  simple  reason  that,  uidess  their  numbers  were 
extremely  limited,  it  would  be  impossible  to  find  a  room  to  hold  them. 
1  n  t  heir  present  si  at  e  >  >i  i  ,'i  inoline,  ladies  on  an  average  require  at  least 
a  dozen  yards  of  sitting  room  a-piece ;  and  were  they  to  return  as 
many  members  as  the  gentlemen,  it  has  been  estimated  that  the  space 
which  would  be  covered  by  above  six  hundred  petticoats  would  con- 
siderably exceed  of  acres.  Such  a  room  as  this  of  course 
would  have  to  be  constructed  specially ;  and  until  the  present  Houses 
are  completed,  it  would  be  preposterous  to  vote  supplies  for  new  ones. 
It  is  probable,  however,  that  by  the  time  of  the  completion  of  the  now 
ng  structures — that  is  to  say,  by  the  end  of  the  next  century — the 
faslu'on  will  have  changed,  and  the  present  blown-up  petticoats  have 
plodcd;  in  which  case  the  erection  of  a  Female  House  of 
Parliament  would  then  be  no  more  necessary  than,  we  are  so  ungallant 
to  think,  it  would  be  at  this  present. 


A  HOUSE  OP  MENTAL  CORRECTION. 

THERE  is  ranch  need  of  an  institution  intermediate  between  a  House 
of  Correction  and  a  Lunatic  Asylum,  to  which  magistrates  might  have 
the  power  of  committing  a  certain  kind  of  persons,  evidently  half- 
knaves,  half-fools,  who  are  continually  presenting  themselves  at  the 
police-courts,  and  accusing  themselves  of  having  committed  murder. 
Here  is  a  case  in  point,  of  recent  occurrence  : — 

"CoNFissios  OF  A  MuRDKR  AT  HALIFAX. — On  Saturday  afternoon,  a  middle- 
aged  man,  named  James  Smith,  by  trado  a  blacksmith,  made  the  following  con- 
fession of  murder  at  the  Halifax  Borough  Police  Office : — I  have  come  to  give  my- 
self up.  Another  man  and  myself  killed  the  Governor  of  Carlisle  Gaol  about  four- 
teen yeara  ago  by  throwing  him  over  tho  banisters.  I  have  been  uneasy  in  my 
conscience  many  years,  and  now  I  am  determined  to  get  rid  of  it." 

Of  course  this  story,  when  investigated,  turned  out  to  be  all  fudge. 
The  fellow  was  discharged,  having  been  ordered  to  pay  the  expenses 
which  he  had  occasioned.  But,  in  addition  to  having  been  lightened 
of  a  certain  sum  of  money,  it  might  have  been  advisable  that  he  should 
have  been  subjected  to  a  certain  amount  of  bodily  depletion.  Here 
is  a  partially  crazy,  partially  vicious  creature,  going  about  with 
ideas  of  murder  in  his  head,  and  surely  it  would  be  desirable  that 
a  head  with  such  notions  seething  in  it  should  be  shaved.  A 
few  doses  of  blue  pill,  followed  by  the  customary  draught,  might 
be  further  beneficial  in  such  a  case,  in  conjunction  with  the  regimen 
commonly  known  as  low  diet.  This  antiphlogistic  treatment  would  be 
calculated  to  reduce  that  inflammation  of  the  love  of  notoriety  which  is 
the  exciting  cause  of  these  sham  confessions;  and  might  perhaps  pre- 
vent that  disorder  from  breaking  out  in  some  form  seriously  mis- 
chievous. Such  cases  are,  to  use  a  Baconian  phrase,  frontier  instances 
between  lunacy  and  crime ;  and  to  meet  the  latter  element  in  their 
cter,  a  brief  course  of  good  hard  labour  might  also  be  imposed  on 
the  patient-rogue :  the  moral  hybrid  or  mule,  combining  some  of  the 
vagabond  with  a  very  large  proportion  of  the  jackass. 


"DEOTHER  JONATHAN.— Tho  next  time  you  send  us  over  any 
L*  canvas-back  ducks,  please  have  the  kindness  to  send  an  Am erican  cook  over 
with  thorn,  because  our  stupid  English  cooks  are  not  as  yet  sufficiently  advanced 
in  culinary  civilisation  as  to  know  how  to  dress  them,  and  the  consequence  is  that 
those  for-f'amed  delicacies  are  invariably  spoilt,  much  to  the  loss  of  the  appetites  and 
tempers  ot"  the  guests  assembled.— POUCH. 


100 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  7,  1857. 


THE    MOUSTACHE    MOVEMENT. 

AlpllOMO.   "YOU   FIND  TOOK  MoOSTABCHEIiS  A  GREAT  COMFORT,  DON'T  YOU,  TOM?" 

Tom.  "  WELL  !— YES !— BUT  I'M  AFRAID  I  MUST  CUT  'EM,  FOR  ONE'S  OBLIGED  TO 
DRESS  so  DOOSED  EXPENSIVE  TO  MAKE  EVERYTHING  ACCORD  ! " 


COMPLETION  OF  THE  NELSON  COLUMN. 
(A  Paragraph  extracted  by  Clairvoyance  from  the  Times,  March  2, 1901.) 

OUR  readers  will  be  gratified  to  leani  that  the  work  of  completing  this  monument 
will  shortly  be  resumed,  and  indeed  we  think  we  may  with  confidence  predict  that 
within  another  year  or  so  we  may  expect  to  find  such  progress  made  as  may  induce 
a  hope  that  we  shall  live  to  see  it  actually  finished.  Those  who  are  old  enough 
perhaps  may  recollect  that  the  erection  of  the  Column  was  entrusted  to  the  Govern- 
ment in  ISii,  when  the  work  was  commenced  in  the  most  energetic  manner;  two 
men  and  a  boy  being  at  once  employed  upon  it.  This  activity,  however,  proved 
so  exhaustive  of  the  funds  which  had  been  voted,  that  within  a  very  few  months 
there  was  a  stoppage  of  the  works  ;  and  the  question  being  put  to  Government  in 
\^:>'i.  ii  was  stated  that  "it  was  not  thought  desirable"  jnst  then  to  grant  the 
needful.  The  matter  then  rested  till  the  spring  of  1889,  when  in  consequence  of 
their  resuscitation  of  the  Income-Tax  it  was  discovered  that  the  Government  had 
in  hand  sufficient  money  to  resume  the  works,  and  an  order  was  thereupon  given 
for  the  purpose:  but  as  this  had  to  pass  through  the  formalities  of  several 
departments,  we  considered  at  the  time  that  there  was  little  chance  that  we  should 
find  it  acted  on  within  the  current  century.  It  will  be  owned  that  our  prediction 
has  been  fully  verified,  and  if  the  Column  be  completed  within  ten  years'  hence, 
the  country  will  have  every  reason  to  lie  satisfied. 

It  may  perhaps  be  urged  by  captious  oppositionists,  that  had  the  building 
been  entrusted  to  any  other  hands  than  those  of  the  Government,  it  would  probably 
have  been  finished  in  less  time  than  half  a  century.  To  say  nothing,  however,  of 
the  great  saving  to  the  nation  in  the  interest  of  the  money  which  will  now  be  spent 
upon  tin:  works  (it  being  indeed  calculated  by  an  eminent  economist,  that  had 
the  whole  amount,  been  advanced  in  1844,  the  Column  would  by  this  time  have  cost 
the  country  nearly  double),  the  Government  have  ample  precedent  for  this  delay 
iu  the  course  which  has  been  taken  in  cases  not  dissimilar.  So  long  a  time  elapsed 
before  the  Peninsula  medal  was  awarded,  that  by  the  time  they  received  their 
decoration,  the  veteran  survivors  only  numbered  a  few  dozen ;  and  although  a 
century  has  almost  passed  since  NELSON  died  for  us,  our  non-completion  of  his 
Column  has  at  any  rate  served  to  keep  him  in  our  remembrance.  And  it  affords, 
we  think,  a  striking  proof  of  how  much  confidence  is  felt  in  the  solvency  of  England, 
that  in  pa\  inur  these  her  drills  of  honour,  she  is  still  allowed  so  long  a  credit. 


A  EOMANCE  OF  HIGH  AND  LOW  LIFE. 

TUNE—"  Lord  Lovel," 

LORD  PERKINS  he  wooed  LADY  MARY  BRANDE, 

JOHN  THOMAS  her  maid,  MARY  ANN, 
LORD  PERKINS  he  was  the  master,  and 

JOHN  THOMAS  he  was  the  man. 

"  Now  tell  me,  JOHN  THOMAS,"  LORD  PERKINS,  he 
said, 

"  Now  tell  me,  JOHN  THOMAS,"  said  he  ; 
"  Dost  thou  think  thou  would'st  marry  my  lady's  maid, 

An  thou  could'st  have  my  ladye  ?  " 

"  Now  marry,  good  master,"  JOHN  THOMAS  replied, 

"  Now  marry,  good  master,"  he  said  ; 
"  I  would  rather  the  lady  were  my  bride, 

Than  marry  the  lady's  maid." 

"  And  what  is  thy  reason,"  LORD  PERKINS,  he  said, 

"  And  what  is  thy  reason,"  said  he  ; 
"  My  lady  is  fair ;  but  my  lady's  maid 

Is" fairer  than  my  ladye  ?  ".. 

"  But  she  hasn't  the  grace,"  said  JOHN  THOMAS,  "  poor 
wench, 

And  she  hasn't  got  the  manner  ; 
And  her  ladyship  speaks  Italian  and  Trench, 

And  plays  on  the  grand  pehanner." 

"  What  good,  JOHN  THOMAS,"  LORD  PERKINS,  he  said, 

"  Will  French  and  Italian  do  man  ? 
If  a  wife  has  got  one  tongue  in  her  head, 

"J'is  enough  for  any  woman. 

"  And  singing  and  playing  are  pretty  things, 

But,  who,  except  a  gaby, 
But  knows  that  no  wife  ever  plays  or  sings 

After  bringing  her  lord  one  baby  ? 

"  Now  tell  me,  JOHN  THOMAS,  now  tell  me,  I  pray, 

Can  MARY  ANNE  sew  and  cook  ? 
For  those  things,  I  own,  are  more  in  my  way, 

When  I  for  a  wife  would  look." 

"  My  Lord,  she  can  cook ;  my  Lord,  'she  can  sew ; 

My  Lord,  she  can  stitch  and  hem ; 
But  I  own  that,  for  my  part,  I  doesn't  go 

Into  marriage  for  tilings  like  them." 

"  Enough,  JOHN  THOMAS,"  LORD  PERKINS,  he  said, 

"  Enough,  JOHN  THOMAS,"  said  he ; 
"  I  will  go  and  marry  my  lady's  maid, 

And  you  may  have  my  ladyfe." 

At  St.  George's  Church,  in  Hanover  Square. 

They  were  married  all  in  one  day  : 
LORD  PERKINS  he  wedded  the  maiden  fair, 

And  JOHN  THOMAS  the  lady  gay. 

The  marriage  service  a  Bishop  read, 

In  a  most  impressive  manner  j 
LORD  PERKINS  went  home  to  his  quiet  homestead, 

JOHN  THOMAS  to  his  pehanncr. 

And  so  they  were  suited  and  so  content, 

And  rejoiced  in  both  their  wives, 
And,  which  I  wish  to  every  gent, 

Lived  happy  the  rest  of  their  lives. 


LARGE  FIGURES  OF  SPEECH. 

MR.  COBDEN  fixes  the  population  of  China  at  300,000,000. 
The  DUKE  OP  ARGYLL  said  on  the  same  evening,  that  it 
was  200,000,000.  Here  is  the  difference  of  only  100  000,000 ! 
A  hundred  million  souls  t(if  the  Chinese  are  allowed  to 
have  souls)  are  certainly  not  much  in  taking  the  census 
of  a  country !  Now  we  propose  that  the  two  gentlemen  be 
sent  out  on  a  mission  to  ascertain  what  the  precise  popula- 
tion of  China  is,  and  not  be  allowed  to  return  home  unti 
they  have  satisfactorily  settled  the  difference  between 
them.  In  the  meantime,  MR.  ROWLAND  HILL  can  occupy 
the  DUKE  OT  ARGYLL'S  place,  and  as  for  MR.  COBDEN,  11 
will  be  no  great  loss  to  the  nation,  if  Ms  place  is  not  fillec 
up  just  at  present. 


Print-it  by  William  lirmlbury,  of  No.  13,  L'uper  \Tobuin  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullet  Evaas,  ot  No.  19,  Queen's  Roail  Weet.  Regent'*  Park,  both  in  the  Parith  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printer*,  at  their  Offire  in  Lombard  ;  treel,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefnars,  ID  the  City  of  London,  au<l  Published  by  them  at  No.  bo,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  ot  St.  Bride,  A  the  City  of 
London.— SiriBniv,  March  7, 1%;. 


MARCH  14,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


101 


COBDEN'S  CAPABILITY. 


TUKK 


'  Britith  Sailors  have  a  Knaclc." 


RICHARD  COBDEN  has  a  knack, 

Talk  away,  YEII-O  boys  ! 
Of  hauling  down  the  Union  Jack, 

Assailed  by  any  foe,  boys. 
Come  POPE,  come  CZAR,  come  Savage — why 
I^know  not,  still  his  best  he'll  try 
To  make  old  England's  colours  lie 

In  degradation  low,  boys. 

RICHARD  COBDEN  is  at  sea, 

Talk  away,  YEH-O,  boys ! 
Upon  foreign  policy, 

A  thing  he  doesn't  know,  Boys. 
When  he  thus  has  got  afloat, 
An  old  simile  to  quote, 
He 's  like  a  bear  on  board  a  boi.t ; 

What  you  call  no  go,  boys. 

RICIIAUD  COBDEN  runs  ashore, 
Talk  away,  YEH-O,  boys  ! 


RICHAED  then  becomes  a  bore, 
Troublesome  and  slow,  boys. 

Ki<  iiAiii)  COBDEN,  be  content 

In  your  proper  element, 

That  of  a  commercial  gent, 

To  DEVILS  DUST  and  Co.,  boys. 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

March  2nd,  Monday.  "  Pheasants  crow,"  says  the  almanack  composer 
to  Household  Words,  speaking  of  this  week.  Well  the/  may,  this 
March,  if  they  read  the  papers,  and  are  weak  enough  to  imagine  that 
if  a  senator  is  obliged  to  waste  April  and  May.  he  will  sit  through 
September—  and  October—  to  make  up.  But  we  tear  the.  pheasants  are 
crowing  under  an  erroneous  impression  of  the  patriotism  of  the  British 
sportsman,  and  that  when  the  autumnal  crocuses  are  in  blossom,  the 
poor  birds  will  find  out  their  mistake. 

For  —  to  pack  the  matter  as  with  a  hydraulic  press  of  extra  condensing 
power—  L':irli;iment  has  been  and  done  it.  The  House  of  Commnn., 


.  . 

which  assembled  on  the  4th  of  Novmber,  1852,  has  but  a  few  days  to 
live.  It  has  deliberately  destroyed  itself,  and  CORONER  PUNCH,  sitting 
upon  the  moribund  body,  appeals,  by  anticipation,  to  the  country  for 
the  verdict  once  returned  by  a  rustic  inquest,  "  Justifiable  suicide  and 
recommends  to  mercy,  and  we  wants  our  money." 

The  tale  is  brief  and  instructive.  On  the  second  night  of  the  Chinese 
debate,  the  ATTORNEY-GENERAL  finished  the  discussion  for  that  week. 
He  politely  intimated  that  he  should  not  bother  himself  with  answering 
arguments  used  in  the  House  in  which  he  spoke,  but  should  confute 
the  Opposition  in  the  Lords,  and  then  he  was  pretty  sure  to  have 
smashed  anything  that  had  been  advanced  by  the  Commons.  And  SIB 
RICHARD,  haughtily  measuring  himself  against  foemen  worthy  of  his 
steeL  did  certainly  make  out  a  complete  legal  case  for  the  Government. 
On  the  Monday,  the  battle  was  renewed,  DR.  PIIILLIMORE  abused  the 
Bishops  for  supporting  the  Ministry,  SIR  GEORGE  GREY  called  his 
conduct  indecent.  MR.  ROBERTSON  (formerly  a  Canton  merchant),  told 
stories  illustrating  the  cruelty  and  treachery  of  the  Chinese.  SIR  JOHN 
PAKIKGTON  felt  so  ashamed  of  the  bombardment  that  he  could  not  be 
silent,  but  said  nothing  of  which  he  should  not  have  felt  more  ashamed, 
MR.  COLLIER  was  for  going  on  as  we  had  begun,  and  SIR  FREDERIC 
THESIGER  told  a  marvellous  tale  of  a  "voice"  which  after  NELSON'S 
bombardment  of  Copenhagen  "  came  out  of  the  ruins,  and  inquired  of 
Britain  whether  it  was  really  She  who  had  been  doing  that  work."  He 
did  not  mention  whether  the  "  voice  "  spoke  Danish  or  English,  or 
LORD  NELSON'S  reply.  SIR  W.  WILLIAMS  of  Kars  conceived  that  the 
Chinese  insult  to  the  British  flag  had  been  premeditated,  and  SID.NLY 
HERBERT,  attacking  the  Government,  protested  against  acting  with 
party  spirit.  SERJEANT  SHEE  thought  the  insulted  vessel  was  an 
English  one,  and  supported  Government.  Then  came 

Tuesday.  A  memorable  date.  The  adjourned  debate  was  opened  by 
MR.  ROBERT  PALMER,  who  spoke  as  a  Derbyite,  as  did  a  Shropshire  Con- 
servative colonel,  HERBERT,  to  whom  a  Cornish  Conservative  captain. 
KENDALL,  replied  that  he  preferred  PALMERSTON  and  Evangelical 
Bishops  to  LORD  DERBY  and  High  Church.  After  some  peacemongering 
from  MR.  MILNER  GIBSON,  a  squib  or  two  from  MR.  BERNALOSBORNE, 
a  grumble  from  MR.  HENLEY,  some  mock  pathos  from  the  other 
PHILLIMORE  (member  for  CORNELIUS  NEPOS  and  other  elementary 
authors  who  supply  quotations),  MR.  CHAMBERS  pitched  point  blank 
into  MK.  COBDEN  for  his  peace  nonsense,  and  then  MR.  ROEBUCK  and 
MR.  GLADSTONE  both  attacked  Government.  ROEBUCK  particularly 
grieved  that  our  conduct  was  unChristian,  and  GLADSTONE  that  it  was 
not  straightforward.  The  BOTTLEHOLDER  at  last  rose  to  reply,  and  in 
a  very  plain-spoken  speech  exposed  the  cant  about  the  Chinese, 
expressed  his  perfect  understanding  that  it  only  meant  that  the 
Government  bench^  was  wanted  by  nis  opponents,  and  cautioned  the 
House  not  to  sacrifice  the  honour  of  their  country  and  the  safety  of 
Englishmen  abroad  to  the  greed  of  a  hungry  faction.  MR.  DISRAELI, 
feeling  the  truth  of  all  this,  could  only  answer  the  charge  of  coalition 
by  a  vulgar  tit  qunque,  and  MR.  COBDEN  finished  the  debate  with  a 
flippant  answer.  The  division  took  place  about  half-past  two  in  the 
morning,  and  the  numbers  were  :  — 

For  Hauling  down  the  British  Flag,  apologising  to  the 
Chinese,  and  putting  DERBY,  DIZZY,  and  GLADSTONE 
in  office  .........  263 

For  maintaining  the  honour  of  England,  and  keeping  PAM 

in  place  .........  247 

Chinese  majority      .       .       .  16 

Wednesday.  A  Bill  for  Promoting  Industrial  Schools  came  before 
the  Commons  at  their  morning  sitting.  It  was  read  a  second  time. 
MR.  EDWARD  BALL  had  the  effrontery  to  say,  that  if  gentlemen  spent 
less  upon  dogs  and  horses,  and  more  upon  reformatories,  we  should 
have  fewer  criminals,  an  offensive  remark  for  which  he  would  certainly 
have  been  expelled,  but  for  the  political  crisis  then  impending. 


VOL.   XXXII. 


103 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  14,  1857. 


.  LORD  PALMERSTON  came  down  to  the  House,  aud  with 
the  blandest  courtesy  apprised  the  Chinese  members,  that  in  conse-  j 
quence  of  their  vote  on  Tuesday,  he  might  have  turned  out,  if  he  liked, 
only  he  didn't  like,  and  should  turn  them  out  instead.  It  would  be, 
he  gently  hinted,  ridiculous  to  ask  the  factious  to  make  a  Govern- 
ment, because  they  could  not  do  it;  and  therefore  he  had  arranged 
with  the  CjncKx  that  as  soon  as  some  necessary  votes  for  money  and 
soldiers  h;ul  been  taken,  Parliament  should  be  DISSOLVED. 

i  Mr.  I'uni-li's  cheering  might  have  been  heard  .at  Canton  itself,  and 
will  be  whi  '  mail  arrives  there.) 

Mit.  DISKAKLI,  with  a  face  about  twice  as  long  as  was  consistent 
with  beauty,  intimated  thai  he  would  not  prevent  the  dissolution,  but  | 
ni:\  was  not  so  gracious,  and  demanded  that  somebody  should 
chivy  the  Indian  mail,  now  on  its  way,  and  give  the  poM  man  a  note  to  j 
iring  him  to  make  peace   and  apologies.     Sin  j 

Cimn,;  .  \VMHD  laughed  good-naturedly,  as  he  always  docs,  and  said 
that  long  before  the  debate,  lie  had  sent  off  plenty  of  frigates  and  gun- 
China,  that   they  had  arrived  by  this  time,  and  that  Govern- 
ment would  take  care  to  do  what  was  desirable.     This  put  the  Chinese  | 
ii'ul  rage,  but  though  they  got  some  more  "  expla- 
nations,"  they  got    no   belter  terms,    and  Lm.ii>  JOHN    HCSSKLL  was 
STee'iug    about  ••[    dissolution"     inflicted  on    the : 

ouse    for    having   voti  'ing    to  its   conscience.      At    this 

word,    in    such    context,   J'AM    fairly    exploded,    but    when  he  had! 
done    laughins,  he    hoped  tliat    nobody  would   call    the  dissolution 
penal,  as  surely,  if  members  felt  thcinseU  >'s  in  the  right,  it  must  be1 
the  greatest  happiness  to  them  to  meet  their  constituents.    This  was  a 


cruel  poke  at  the  Chinese,  who  took  to  flight,   and  the  House  was 
actually  counted  out  at  8  o'clock. 

Tlus  seems  to  afford  a  good  opportunity  for  mentioning  that  in  the 
Lords,  on  Monday,  LOUD  DERBY  complained  that  the  Press,  (usually 
understood  to  be  MR.  DISRAELI'S  organ)  had  given  an  inaccurate 
report  of  a  meeting  of  his  Lordship's  supporters.  The  journal 
replies  that  its  report  was  substantially  correct.  The  Earl  was  repre- 
sented as  having  blown  up  certain  dissentient  Conservatives  with 
some  vigour.  Next  night  LORD  CRANWORTII'S  Divorce  Bill  came  on, 
and  was  read  a  second  time ;  but  the  dissolution  will  enable  C.  C.  to 
make  a  more  decent  affair  of  it.  LORD  DERBY  abused  the  Bishops  for 
not  attending  on  such  a  question— twenty-three,  he  said,  could  come  to 
the  Chinese  debate,  and  only  two  to  that  on  Divorce.  On  Thursday 
LORD  GRANVILLE  announced  the  dissolution,  complimenting  the  Lords 
upon  their  having  shown  more  sense  than  the  Commons  on  the  Canton 
affair ;  and  on  Friday  LORD  SiiAtTEsiiURY  gave  notice  of  his  intention  to 
administer  a  very  mild  opiate  to  their  lordships  on  the  following  Monday. 

On  Friday  the  Commons  made  a  sort  of  Tea  Party,  excessively  dull' 
as  tea-parties  usually  are,  and  which  ended  in  the  CHANCELLOR  OP 
THE  EXCHEQUER'S  defeating  MR.  GLADSTONE,  and  fixing  the  duty  on 
tea,  for  a  vear  from  April  next,  at  one  and  fippens,  as  it  would  be 
called  by  the  poor  old  women  whose  beverage  is  being  perpetually 
stirred  by  great  financiers.  To-night  there  was  a  perfect  storm  in  a 
tea-cup,  but  the  Government  majority  was  187  to  125,  namely  62. 
The  reduced  Income-Tax  Bill  was  read  a  first  time,  LORD  PAI.MERSTON, 
like  a  careful  man,  putting  everything  in  its  place  before  Going  to  the 
Country. 


eyes)  than 
an  intelhrt 
as  follows  : 


SOMETHING    NEW    ON    HEADS. 

E  thought  what  it  would 
come  to.  We  long 
ago  predicted  (to  our- 
selves, that  is  ;  for  we 
never  tell  our  prophe- 
cies until  thev  are 
fulfilled  ones)  that  in 
revivingthe  hooppetti- 
coat,  the  ladies  would 
revert  toother  fashions 
of  their  ancestresses, 
including  perhaps  that 
of  wearing  their  hair 
powdered.  And  our 
prediction  has  beei 
verified  (or  we  should 
not  have  called 
tion  to  it) ;  only  to 
keep  paec  with  the 
march,  or  rut  her  gallop, 
of  extravagance,  the 
operation  it  seems 
now-a-days  is  per- 
formed with  gold  dust. 
This  we  learn  less 
from  our  own  personal 
observation  (for  we 
are  somewhat  short- 
sighted, and  are  afraid 
to  look  too  closely  for 
fear  of  getting  some  of 
the  gold  dust  in  our 
rom  a  writer  on  the  fashions  m  a  fashionable  contemporary— by  JENKINS  !  what 
must  be  demanded  for  the  post !— who  enlightens  and  astonishes  our  weak  mind 


if    T"         e  F         "8t  °n  the  llair  is  bec°minK.  ™  perceive,  more  and  more  in  vogue.     It 
y  ca"*lratll«  of  cffects.  »»d  especially  enhances  the  charm.  of  the  a.iffu*  where 

0  WKich  "  in'I)art*  that  sl<imug  g,  ,  Wen  hue.  which  to  the  poetical 
een  broken  into  bits,  aud  scattered  among  the  tresies." 


lr  ill 

«orv  r    ,   n      '        ,T  '" 

-rs  m  though  a  sun 


This  is  very  fine,  really  :  and  will  probably  produce  quite  a  run  upon  the  diggings.     Never- 

•re  have  some  doubts  of  the  value  of  gold  dust  as  a  hair  'powder,  and  confess  that 

3  are  tempted  to  innuire  with  vulgar  people,  Will  it  wash?    It  seems  to  us,  being  purely 

radical  observers  tha    any  "la,r  one  will,  the  -olden  locks"  which  nature  has  bestowed  on 

Id  soon  take  the  .shine  out  of  artificial  sunbeams,  and  make  their  wearers  cry  out  with 

Iwa^rny  sunshine  ""  *"  °n  ^""^          '  "  Her°'  ^™S  n'C  my  g°ld-dust  Pau-  and  sweep 

^'l'"''  '"  "'""'f  U°  accTmtin?  for  fefl'ioMWe  taste  :  and  as  we  have  even  seen  artificial 

Til  "l  ''Vi'T'1"'0     r  T;1  °nPS'  lt.V'uld  not  at  a11  surPrisc  us  to  fad  that  tllc  false 
SPJ  ,    J«S  "l  fashlon'  Mtwithstettdag  even  our  attempts  to  put  them  out, 

t  suspect  indeed  that  jhere  are  many  ladies  \vho  would   be  among  the  last  to  allow  of  any 

si  er  berngseen  ,n  their  hair,  and  yet  would  be  among  the  lirst  to  show  a  little  gold  in  it 

•  e  o  m^lves,   hm,,.v,.r    md        to  thnk  that  ,,     .(.   ;s  .<nietal  inorc  attracti      „?     beauty 

adorned,  than  when  it  is  gol  u;,  .-u   that  rcgardlessness  of  cost  which  the  use  of  gold  dust 


as  a  beaiitifier  seems  to  us  to  indicate.  We  shall 
therefore  be  prepared,  ourselves,  at  half  a 
moment's  notice,  to  assume  the  part  of  the 
"  stern  parient,"  and  resist  all  entreaties  on  our 
Judy's  part  that  we  come  down  with  the  gold 
dust  for  our  dearest  Punchelina.  We  do  not 
think  that  any  application  of  the  dredging-box, 
whether  aureous  or  not,  would  at  all  add  to  her 
capillary  attractions;  and  we  confess  that  we 
have  little  wish  to  hear  our  daughters  spoken  of, 
like  walking-canes,  as  Being  gold-headed. 


A  CASE  OF  TENDER  CONSCIENCE. 

As  Mnui-.iiK  asked  of  Virtue,  we  may  ask  of 
Conscience — Where  may  she  noi  be  RnoulP  She 
is  now  to  be  taken  out  of  I  nd  now 

pulled  out  of  a  cellar.  Now  she  squats  upon 
the  form  of  a  ragged  school,  and  now  she — picks 
a  pocket!  This  last  truth  has,  of  late,  been 

ly  illustrated  in  a  Paris  Court  of  Justice. 
A  gang  of  boy-thieves,  from  eight  years  old  to 
fourteen,  have  been  tried  asd  severally  sentenced. 

ag,  like  all  things  French,  had  a  military 
constitution.  There  was  a  chief,  sub-chief,  anil 
lieutenants.  There  was  a  wide  range  of  plunder 
from  sausages  to  hundreds  of  francs.  Now,  we 
are  told  that  a  number  of  Jewish  boys  who 
belonged  to  the  gang,  insisted  upon  being 
organised  apart,  so  as  not,  as  they  expressed  it, 
to  "work"  with  Catholics.  Now  this  is  a  case 
of  conscience  that  must  delight  MR.  SPOONER. 
With  all  his  sincere  abhorrence  of  Maynooth, 
we  feel  assured  it  would  be  a  great  consolation 
to  the  hon.  gentleman,  were  his  pocket  to  be 
picked,  to  know  that  lie  had  been  robbed  by  a 
conscientious  Hebrew  thief,  who  scorned  associa- 
tion in  common  with  a  Catholic  felon.  It  is  said 
that  the  distinction  insisted  upon  by  the  little 
Jews  originated  in  a  quarrel  that  arose  in  the 
gang,  touching  a  booty  of  sausages. 


A  New  Tea  Service. 

WE  recommend  MKSSIIS.  MIXTOJT,  WEDG- 
WOOD, _  &c.,  to  get  a  new  'Tea  Service  ready 
immediately,  with  portraits  of  DISRAJJLI,  GLAD- 
STONE, ROEBUCK,  and  RUSSELL,  done  as  "  CHINA 
MUGS."  Let  the  portraits  be  life-like,  and  the 
Mugs  will  be  just  the  things  to  hold  milk-and- 
water  for  the  use  of  juvenile  M.P.'s,  and  little 
Lords  who  have  not  yet  learnt  their  political 
ABC. 


MAHCII   U,   1837.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


103 


COBDENISMS    ON    CHINA. 

H?:  Chinese  are  the  most  humane 
of  all  the  people,-,  in  I]K  world. 
All  their  punishments  arc  of  the 
mildest  ir.it urc  possible.  Incases 
of  theft,  or  any  other  offence  short 
of  murder — a  crime  very  seldi^n 
indeed  committed,  ilie  punishment 

for  the  iirst  offence  is  a  gentle 
reprimand.  A  second  conviction 
subjects  the  delinquent  to  a  pood 
scniiling,  ami  a  third  renders  him 

liable  to  bodily  chastisement,  which 

consists  iu    a    slight    caning,  ad- 
ministered with    a  small  bamboo 
cane.    Incorrigible  offenders,  hmv- 
Ue  sometimes  punished  \\ith 
lation    nearly    as    sc\ 
that  inflicted  at  Eton  or  Harrow. 
In  addition,  the  malefactor  is  eon- 
(hicd   for  some    hours,    or  has  an 

iiinn  set    him   in  Co/; 
being  kept  in,  and  obliged  to  learn 
and    rejieat    a    certain    number  of 
lines  of  that  author  before  h*-  can 
be  let  out.    But  even. these  [innish- 
meuis  are  very  rare  ii 
the  simple  reason  that  the  laws  are 
very  rarely  bvoken.    Robbery,  swindling,  and  depredations  on  property 

am  i.s  n::e  '  lines  of  violence  ;  which!:: 

scarcely  ever  heard  of.    The  earliest  lesson  inculcated  on  the  mind  of 
children  is,  exactly  as  in  the  Manchester  school,  the  necessity  of 
veiaeity;  and   the  truthfulness  of    the   Chinese   e.in  perhaps  only   be 
matched  by  i  hat  of  their   I'arliamentaiy  advocates.     Hence  the  word 
of  a  Chinaman    is   qp  .   od    a.s    his  bend;   and  the.   sincerity 

of  tl1  is   as   rem  their  acts   as  in    their    words: 

for  they  are  most  particular  as  to  the  justness  of  their  weights  ami 
ares,  and  the  purity  and  freedom  from  adulteration  of  all  their 
articles  of  commerce ;  so  that  impurities  in  tea.  as  it  leaves  their 
hands,  are  as  seldom  to  be  found  as  shoddy  and  devil's  dust  in  certain 
British  manufactures.  Fraudulent  practices  in  trade  are  visited 
with  the  punishment  of  the  collar,  which  is  simply  a  stiff  leather 
stock  that  holds  the  head  upright,  and,  being'worn  for  some  hours, 
serves  to  admonish  the  guilty  party,  by  analogy,  of  the  duty  of 
rectitude.  _  The  horror  of  the  Chinese  for  bloodshed  is  such  that  most 
of  them  faint  at  the.  sight  of  anybody's  nose  bleeding ;  hence  they 
labour  under  a  peculiar  disadvantage  m  warfare,  their  soldiers  being 
disabled  by  beholding  the  effect  of  their  own  arms  on  the  enemy. 
This  feeling,  in  connection  with  a  singularly  sensitive  benevolence,  is 
strikingly  evinced  in  the  method  of  their  capital  executions,  of  which 
spectacles  an  instance  occurs  about  once  in  a  hundred  years.  The 
science,  too,  whereof  they  were  iu  possession  long  before  Europe  had 
acquired  any  idea  of  chemistry,  is.  humanely  applied  in  mitigation  of 
death-punishment.  The  criminal  is  privately— to  avoid  brutalising 
thepoptdaoe  by  a  revolting  exhibition— suffocated  with  the  fumes  of 
charcoal  or  carbonic  acid,  having  been  previously  deprived  of  sensation 
by  means  of  chloroform. 


GOG  AND  MAGOG  TO  PAM. 
"DEAR  LOUD  PALMERSTON, 

"You  are  about  to  break  up  your  establishment  in  West- 
minster for  a  time;  do  come  into  the  City.  Depend  upon  it,  we 
will  give  yon  a  hearty  welcome  here,  and  a  triumphant  return  to  your 
(•Id  bouse  at  borne.  Don't  use  any  delicacy  towards  little  LORD  JOHN, 
he  has  so  lately  shown,  .he  is  above  any  such  sott  of 
iHinseiisc  as  regards  yourself.  You  fought  his  battle  when  he  couldn't 
fight  it  himself  at  \  iemia  ;  and  now  he  joins  COBDEN  and  DIZZY,  and 
throws  a  ti  -ur  chivalrous  head.  Well,  strange  accidents  do 

happen.     A\  ho  knows  hut,  unawares,  he  may  yet  sit  upon  the  pieces. 

'But  again  we  s;;y,  come  to  the  City.  Any  way,  we  will  not  again 
have  LORD  JOHN.  To  return  him  would  be  to  endorse  his  opposition 
to  the  valiant  Minister  who  took  the  forlorn  hope  of  the  war,  and 
muzzled  the  Bear.  Come,  dear  PAM,  to  Guildhall.  MAGOG  and 
myself  will  give  you  plumpers.  Come,  come !  We  say  we  will  return 
you  for  the  City  ;  crown  you  with  Chinese  roses,  ancl  chair  you  in  a 
tea-chest. 

"  Faithfully  yours,  dear  LORD  PALMEBSTON, 

"Goo  AND  MAGOG. 

"P.S.  We  propose  to  give  you,  as  a  testimonial,  a  very  handsome 
tca-scrvicc,  with,  iu  commemoration  of  the  number  that  voted  against 
uiu,  no  less  than  iwo  hundred  and  sixty-three  spoons." 


LINES  TO  THE  COALITION. 

LORD  DKIIKY,  T  rather  would  hold  your  position, 
Than  any  one  else's  in  your  Coalition, 

e,  as  a  i'e,  -.  you  Ve  a  safe  situation : 

lOU've  nothing  to  fear  beumd  mere  execiation. 

Tar  worse  are  your  Commons  accomplices'  cases, 
I  shouldn't  at  all  like  to  be  in  their  places  ; 
For  Out  of  those  places,  no  more  to  be  trusted, 
They  're  lik  nied  by  a  nation  disgusted. 

I'et  ravers  of  old  England's  honour  and  glory, 
U  ill  they  be  supported  by  any  true  Ton  ':  ' 

•(led  with  COHDKX  and  yon  in  conjunction, 
'11  have  to  resign  their  political  function. 

•omen  of  Bucks  will  no  longer  stand  Dtz/Y. 
They  '11  send  him  his  brain  with  to  hiis\  ; 

such  poor  hawbuck^  of  Bucks  are  those  yeomen, 
That  they '11  choose  a  member  who  backs  Britain's  1« 

Will  ni'.-rn  Carlisle,  do  you  think,  rest  contented, 
v'\  I'KKI.'S  diity  boy  to  be  still  represented  : 
More  dirty  than  <  inee  hi^  last  traction 

Ttuough  foullest  of  mud  by  the  Manchester  faction. 

I'or  (I'I.ADSTONE  at  Oxford  there's  some  chance  of  keeping; 
Blouse,  into  office  iu  case  of  his  creeping. 
Tritctarku.  vjrosptcts  he  '11  render  much  brighter, 
And  give,  if  he  can,  UK.  I'UMCY  a  mitre. 

lTithpoojtLoiiD.Ji.iHN'  Rrssiai,  'twill  go  hard  iu  London, 
liU  reputation  is  thorouglily  undone  ; 

he  meet  iu  the  City. 
(iiiEts  onh,  L'.ud  i  ;is  downfall  will  pity. 


Indeed,  is  a  province  of  Russia,  uot  Britain. 


Confederate  crew,  your  appeal  to  the  nation, 
Your  failures  and  blunders  your  recommendation, 
Will  teach  you  that  England  of  honour  so  jealous, 
Loves  not  coalitions  composed  of  such  fellows. 


IMPORTANT !— WE  STOP  THE  PRESS. 

As  no  doubt  the  subjoined  Errata — which  we  hasten  to  copy  from 
the  Morning  Herald-very  deeply  affect,  the  peace  of  many  'distin- 
guished Hebrew  families,  we  give  the  correction  the  benefit  of  our 
circulation,  not  forgetting,  by  the  way,  our  best  wishes  to  the  bride  and 
bridegroom  of  the  House  of  ROTHSCHILD  : — 

"  EKRATA. — Tn  the  notice  of  the  marriage  festivities  .it  Gunnersbury,  in  nur  im- 
pression of  yesterday,  in  the  description  of  the  head-dress  of  the  bridesmaids,  it 
should  have  been  stated  tliiit  it  was  '<UK*  nf  the  vallev,*  instead  of  'orange  blnaomt,' 
that  composed  part  of  the  wreath  ;  and  tbat  tt  was  light  blue  '  veivt,'  instead  of 
•liol-t,'  by  which  the  wreath  was  confined.  It  should  have  been  Baron  'Lionet,' 
instead  of  •  Jumet,'  as  the  secoud  supporter  of  the  bridegroom  on  the  occasion." 

We  have  no  doubt  that  the  bridesmaids  will  forgive  the  anticipations 
of  the  careless  reporter,  who  ought  to  have  known  that  bridesmaids 
are  always  lilies,  as  brides  are  inevitably  oranges.  That  the  wreath 
was  confined  of  velvet,  instead  of  violet  must  allay  a  great  cause  of 
consternation  in  the  fashionable  world.  As  for  BARON  LIONEL,  it  is 
said,  that  having  read  himself  reported  as  "  JEAMES,"  he  took  to  his 
bed,  and  fairly  dreamt  himself  into  plush.  To  leave,  however,  these 
little  mistakes,  we  cannot  but  acknowledge,  witli  suitable  awe,  the 
bridal  glories  of  Gunnersbury.  Had  QUEEN  SHEBA  married  SOLOMONS, 
the  pomp  and  magnificence  could  not  have  outblazoned  the  nuptials  of 
Wednesday.  For  our  part,  we  take  it  as  a  great  mark  of  humility 
on  the  part  of  the  ROTHSCHILDS,  that  they  condescend  to  lend  money 
to  the  EMPEROR  OF  AUSTRIA,  when  it  is  plain  enough,  if  they  so 
elected,  they  might  buy  his  throne  with  no  more  ado  than  LAZARUS,  of 
Brokers'  Row,  bids  for  a  sofa  or  puts  in  for  an  easy  chair.  By  the 
way,  the  Herald  has  forgotten  to  correct  among  other  errata  the 
rumour  that  LORD  DERBY  was  of  the  party.  For  LOUD  DERBY,  read 
LORD  RUSSELL. 

Pivided  Allegiance. 

THE  influence  exercised  by  the  EMPRESS  OF  THE  FRENCH  on  the 
fashions  of  Englishwomen  geuerallv,  says  very  little  for  their  loyalty 
towards  their  own  quiet-dressing,  domestic  little  QUEEN.  Eor  thougu 
very  probably  QUEEN  VICTORIA  reigns  in  their  hearts,  it  is  but  too 
plain  that  the  EMPRESS  EUGI':NIK  may  do  whatever  she  pleases  with 
their  heads. 


104 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[MARCH  14,  1857. 


OUT    FOR    THE    DAY. 

Dizzy  (to  Golden).  "HE'D  BETTER  LOOK  ATTEK  ms  "RIDING"  A  LITTLE-HE  HAS  A  VERY  UNCERTAIN  S*AT/! 


AN  INVITATION. 

By  Mr.  Punch's  Poet  Laureate — not  to  be  confounded  with  the 
author  of  "  Come  into  the  garden,  Maud." 

COME  unto  the  country,  PAM, 

Now  their  triple  shaft  has  flown — 
Come  unto  the  country,  PAM  ; 

You're  the  man,  and  you  alone — 
So  honest  men  think  at  home  and  abroad, 

And  the  Coalition's  blown ! 

Tor  a  breeze  in  Yorkshire  moveSj 
And  the  West-Riding  dander  is  high, 

Beginning  to  look  for  a  Member  she  loves, 
And  on  whom  she  can  rely. 

Beginning  to  look  for  a  man  that  she  loves, 
To  look  for  a  man,  and  a  cry. 

Four  nights  have  the  Commons  heard, 

Like  flute,  violin,  bassoon, 
COBDEN,  DIZZY,  and  GLADSTONE,  savagely  gird 

At  BOWRING,  all  in  a  tune, 
In  the  hope  that  JOHN  BULL'S  bile  might  be  stirred, 

For  the  Brother  of  Sun  and  Moon. 

I  said  to  the  Tory  "  As  things  have  gone, 

I  can't  see  you've  the  right  to  be  gay, 
If  vour  mountebank  leader  be  left  alone, 

Betwixt  two  stools — as  they  say. 
When  half  to  the  GLADSTONE  account  are  gone, 

And  half  on  the  COBDEN  lay, 
Built  on  the  sand,  and  not  on  the  stone, 

Your  hopes  will  crumble  away." 

I  said  unto  those,  who  upon  the  rows 
Below  the  gangway  pine — 


"  Oh,  young  place-hunter,  what  sighs  are  those 
For  that  which  will  never  be  thine  ?  " 

"  But  mine— but  mine !  "—so  each  may  suppose— 
DIZZY,  COBDEN,  and  GLADSTONE— "  mine ! 

But  the  country  is  scarcely  prepared  to  take 

A  Manchester  ministrie, 
Nor  is  GLADSTONE  likely  his  way  to  make 

To  the  Bench  of  the  Treasurie. 
And  DIZZY  may  quake  outright  for  your  sake, 

Knowing  the  thing  that 's  to  be, 
That  counties  and  boroughs  are  all  awake 

To  strengthen  not  him,  but  thee. 

The  Coalition  its  banner  unfurls. 

Come  hither  :  the  talking  is  done. 
Not  by  gloss  of  DIZZY  and  GLADSTONE  s  pearls 

Of  speech  will  the  battle  be  won. 
Come  out,  old  rough-rider,  defying  purls, 

And  astonish  them  every  one  ! 

In  the  yellow  leaf  and  sere, 

Droop  the  passion-flowers  of  debate — 
It  is  coming,  the  day  of  fear : 

It  is  coming,  the  day  of  fate ! 
The  Counties  cry,  "It  is  near,  it  is  near," 

The  Boroughs  growl  "  it  is  late," 
The  City  listens—"  I  hear,  I  hear," 

And  the  West  Riding  whispers  "I  wait." 

It  is  coming,  and  many  a  seat 

Is  aquake  with  anxious  dread ! 
Old  PAM  they  intended  to  beat,  | 

But  he  '11  Tick  them  instead. 
Old  PAM  they  intended  to  beat ; 

But  England  indignant  will  tread 
COBDEN,  DIZZY,  and  GLADSTONE  under  her  feet, 

And  set  PAM  at  the  Ministry's  head ! 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MARCH  14,  1857. 


AN    INVITATION. 

MR.  BULL.  "HAH  !  YOU'VE  BEEN  SITTING  UP  TOO  LATE  0' NIGHT  WITH  THOSE  COBDEN  FELLOWS,  BUT  YOU 

COME  TO  THE  COUNTRY  FOR  A  FEW  DAYS,  AND  WE-LL  SOON  PUT  YOU  ON  YOUR  LEGS  AGAIN." 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


107 


FACES. 


MONO  the  novelties 
of  literature  \vc  see 
a  pamphlet  adver- 
tised railed  Physic 
ami  its  Phases.  Now 
although  it  may  ap- 
pear presumption  to 

pronounce  a  judg- 
ment on  a  book  from 
only  looking  at  the 
title,  still  we  ques- 
tion muck  ill  this 
case  if  the  autkor, 
had  he  taken  our 
advice  beforehand, 
would  not  have  en- 
tirely changed  his 
mode  of  treatment 
nl'  I  he  subject.  In- 
T  Physic  and 


have  suggested  for 
a  title  page  Physic 
and  its  Faces,  and 
should  have  recommended  him  to  comment  on  the  facial  distortions  with 
which  the'swallowing  of  medicine  is  usually  attended.  Only  conceive 
what  a  field  of  observation  would  have  thus  been  opened  to  him !  and 
how,  after  dealing  with  the  subject  generally,  he  might  have  well  de- 
scended to  particularities,  and  have  feelingly  descanted  on  the  different 
sorts  of  faces  which  the  different  sorts  of  physic  are  accustomed  to 
induce.  For  our  own  part  we  are  conscious  that  our  countenance  is 
never  so  distorted  from  its  natural  "line  of  beauty,"  as  when  we  are 
engaged  in  drinking  a  black  draught;  and  for  that  reason  we  have  long 
thought  it  a  duty  to  perform  that  act  in  solitude,  for  fear  our  hideousness 
might  terrify  our  wife  and  family.  Indeed,  as  we  are  rather  a  believer 
in  Lavaterism,  and  have  some  degree  of  faith  in  physiognomy,  we  think 
that  doctors  might  learn  something  from  the  faces  winch  their  patients 
make  when  swallowing  their  medicines,  and  which  might  not  impro- 
bably be  proved  to  indicate  in  some  degree  their  nervous  temperament. 

Some  judgment  might  perhaps  be  formed  of  the  comparative  effect 
of  drugs  upon  a  given  person,  trom  inspection  of  his  looks  when  in  the 
act  of  tasting  them  :  and  tables  of  most  interesting  statistics  might  be 
furnished  of  the  various  wry  faces  which  have  been  ascertained  to  be 
producible  by  physic.  Indeed,  by  the  assistance  of  photography,  these 
octal  distortions  might  be  accurately  copied,  and  appended  in  the  way 
of  plates  or  illustrations  to  the  work :  and  a  complete  series  of  patients' 
pictures  might  be  thus  arranged,  comprising  all  the  ill  looks  that  are 
usual,  from  those  which  are  produced  DT  bolting  a  blue  pill,  to  those 
which  may  be  consequent  on  gulping  down  "two  tablespoonsful "  of 
a  rhubarb  draught,  or  still  more  nauseous  assafcetida  cum  aloes 
mixture. 

As  we  always  are  in  readiness  to  make  any  sacrifice  in  the  cause  cf 
science,  we  should  not  object  ourselves  tto  have  our  own  ill  features 
photographed,  as  we  are  convinced  that  they  would  never  be  identified 
by  those  accustomed  only  to  our  natural  good  looks.  And  perhaps  the 
contemplation  of  our  frightful  faces  might  lead  us  by  degrees  to  take 
physic  without  making  them,  which  we  at  present  find  to  be  a  physical 
impossibility :  for,  childish  though  it  seem  to  stronger  minded  people, 
we  yet  confess  we  can  no  more  avoid  it  than,  with  all  our  philosopliy, 
we,  can  help  squealing  out,  whenever  we  are  forced  to  screw  our 
courage  to  the  kicking  place,  and  have  that  "  aching  void"  a  hollow 
tooth  extracted.  

The  Chinese  Giant. 

IT  is  now'quite  clear  that  the  author  of  Jack  the  Giant  Killer  was 
either  the  prophet  .MERLIN,  or  some  other  one  of  the  ancient  British 
brotherhood  of  seers.  The  couplet  put  into  the  mouth  of  BLUNDEBBORE  : 

"  Fee— fa—  fl— Fob— FUM  ! 
I  smell  the  blood  of  an  Englishman  !  " 

has  evidently  a  prophetic  reference  to  COMMISSIONER  YEH  as  a  mur- 
derous  miscreant,  a  disciple  of  Foh,  and  an  adept  in  the  mystery  of  Fum. 


A  PROPHECY. 

Is  LORD  PALMERSTON  wrong  in  supporting  his  subordinates  at 
Canton  ? 
COBDEN  says  "  YKH."    The  Country  will  say  "  Nay." 


"TURNER'S  COLLECTION."— The  division  on  the  China  debate  might 
be  characterised  as  "  Turner's  collection,"  considering  the  number  of 
gentlemen  who  turned  their  coats  on  that  occasion. 


THE  CHINESE  DONKEY. 

AMU:  life,  in  the  excellent  work  that  chronicles  his  experience 
China,  introduces  a  donkej  that,  in  the  present  state  of  political  affairs, 
affords  an  instructive  moral.    Oddly  as  it  maj   sound,  the  Coalition 
and  the  donkey,  philosophically  considered,  have  a  relation  with  each 
other. 

Well,  the  adventurous  Abb6  narrates  that,  journeying  with  other 
missionary  companions  in  the  interior  of  China,  there  was — it  will 

;-y  best  society — a  mm,  key  in  the  conip 

Notwithstanding  the  downward  influence  of  philosophers  before  the 
time  of  MR.  COBDEX'S  favourite  ARISTOTLE,  China,  it  seems,  is  rather 
famous  for  its  monstrous  donkeys. 

The  travellers  sought  what  shelter  they  could  every  night,  and  every 
night  addressed  themselves  to  sleep.     Bat  sleep  was  not  permitted  to 
descend  upon  them.     The  donkey  would  not  allow  the  travellers  the 
luxury  of  half  -ail-hour's  repose.    All  the  live-long  night  did  this  mon- 
ster bray  and   bray,  revealing  to   his   hearers     as  will   happen  with 
to  speakers — what  a  remarkably  great  ass  he  was.  The  poor  Abb6 
and    his    brother  missionaries   never  closed   their  eye-lids.     Still  the 
awoke  the  echoes,  and  still  their  very  brains  were  jagged  by 

"  The  long,  dry  see-saw  of  bis  horrible  bray." 

Christian  flesh  and  blood  of  the  very  meekest  could  not  endure  the 
torment,  and  at  length  the  Abbe  commanded  one  inese,  who 

travelled  with  .the  pilgrims  to  enforce  the  donkey  ,  .  Anyway, 

and  at  any  cost,  that  jackass  must  be  dumfonnded.  The  Chinaman, 
in  his  manner,  promised  after  his  fashion,  to  bind  the  donkey  over  to 
keep  the  peace ;  and — delicious  was  the  surprise,  abounding  the  com- 
fort— the  Abb6  and  his  companions  slept  soundly  as  babes. 

In  the  morning,  the  Abbe,  with  a  glow  of  gratitude  in  his  breast, 
demanded  of  the  Chinaman  the  means  by  which  he  had  silenced  the 
ass.  By  what  power  was  the  donkey  dumfounded  ? 

"  Come  here,"  said  JOHN  CHINAMAN,  and  he  led  the  way  to  an 
adjoining  shed,  where  stood  the  ass.  But  how  stood  he?  The  very 
type  of  beaten  pride — of  enforced  humility.  His  long  ears  hung  lop- 
pingly  down ;  his  eyes  were  filmed,  and  his  nose  drawn  to/  a  point. 
And  more,  and  worse.  Tied  by  a  cord  to  the  donkey's  tail  was  a  heavy 
stone ;  which,  do  what  he  might,  by  no  manner  of  muscular  effort 
could  he  lift  from  the  ground.  The  Abb6  gazed  a  little  tenderly  at 
the  humiliated  jackass,  T>ut  still  awaited  an  explanation  of  the  cause 
of  the  ass's  nocturnal  silence.  How  was  it  ? 

"  Look  here,"  said  the  Chinaman,  and  he  pointed  to  the  heavy  stone 
tethered  to  the  brute's  tail,  and  lying  on  the  ground.  "  Look  here  ; 
when  donkey  can  no  lift  him  tale,  donkey  can  no  bray." 

Now,  we  confidently  ask  it,  even  of  DERBY,  DISRAELI,  GLADSTONE, 
AND  Co. ;  if,  in  this  Chinese  matter,  the  Coalition  had  been  tethered  to 
the  responsibility  of  place, — would  it,  could  it,  have  lifted  its  tail  and 
brayed,  and  brayed,  and  brayed  as  it  has  done  ? 


THE  SWEET  USES  OF  ADVERSITY. 
(By  the  Hermit  of  the  Hayrnarket) 

You  wear  out  your  old  clothes. 

You  are  not  troubled  with  many  visitors. 

You  are  exonerated  from  making  calls, 

Crossing  sweepers  do  not  molest  you. 

Bores  do  not  bore  you. 

Sponges  do  not  haunt  your  table. 

Tax-gatherers  hurry  past  your  door. 

Itinerant  bands  dp  not  play  opposite  your  window. 

You  avoid  the  nuisance  of  serving  on  juries. 

You  are  not  persecuted  io  stand  godfather. 

No  one  thinks  of  presenting  you  with  a  Testimonial. 

No  tradesman  irritates  you  by  asking,  "Is  there  any  other  little 
article  to-day,  Sir  ?  " 

Begging  letter -writers  leave  you  alone. 

Impostors  know  it  is  useless  to  bleed  you. 

You  practise  temperance. 

You  swallow  infinitely  less  poison  than  others. 

Flatterers  do  not  shoot  their  rubbish  into  your  ear. 

You  are  saved  many  a  debt,  many  a  deception,  many  a  headache. 

And,  lastly,  if  you  have  a  true  friend  in  the  world,  you  are  sure,  in  a 
very  short  space  of  time,  to  learn  it ! 


Dangerous ! 

OUR  gallantry  forbids  our  calling  ladies  by  hard  names,  but  without 
meaning  in  the  slightest  to  impugn  the  orthodoxy  of  their  sentiments, 
we  must  say,  that  so  long  as  they  allow  themselves  such  latitude  in  the 
ait  iele  of  Crinoline,  they  run  an  imminent  risk  of  being  spoken  of  as 
latitudinarians. 


108 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  14,  1857. 


Elderly  Gentleman  thinks  that  Garotting's  come  to  a  pretty  pass  when  it's  openly  practised 
in  broad  daylight.     Where  are  the  Police  ? 


THE  CRY  OP  THE  CHINESE  PARTY. 

ACCORDING  to  the  member  for  Rome,  Russia, 
China,  the  Cannibal  Islands,  and  the  West 
Riding,  LOUD  PALMERSTON  is  to  go  to  the 
country  with  the  cry  of  "  War  with  China  and 
No  Reform ! "  But  by  the  time  of  the  approach- 
ing election  YEH'S  business  will  perhaps  have 
been  settled,  and  we  shall  be  at  peace  with 
China ;  and  since  the  Hon.  Member  predicts  that 
we  shall  not,  we  have  every  reason,  judging  from 
experience  of  his  prophecies,  to  hope  that  we 
shall.  The  cry  of  No  Reform  had  better  be  kept 
by  MR.  COBDEN  to  himself  and  his  party,  in- 
cluding LORD  DERBY'S  and  MR.  GLADSTONE'S. 
A  Joint  Stock  Banks  Bill  was  wanted  immedi- 
ately; a  Matrimonial  Causes  Act  was  in  pro- 
pess :  but  MR.  COBDEN'S  Chinese  motion  will 
Rave  had  the  effect  of  postponing,  and  perhaps 
preventing,  these  and  other  reforms.  Let  the 
Cobdenites  and  Derbyites  and  Peelites,  then,  cry 
"  No  Reform ! "  for  which  the  electors  will 
understand  that  they  are  indebted  to  them ;  and 
if  peace  with  China  is  not  concluded,  they  will 
also  have  to  cry  "  War  with  China ! "  unless 
they  prefer  the  cry  of  "  Submission  to  China ! " 
—and  much  good  may  that  do  them. 


Corporation  Eeform. 

THERE  is  a  demand  for  a  Bill  providing  uni- 
formity in  weights  and  measures.  If  that  object 
;ould  be  accomplished  it  would  be  very  satis- 
factory to  many  a  stout  middle-aged  gentleman. 


A  TIRESOME  DEBATE.— The  Chinese  contro- 
versy has  been  altogether  a  Bo(w)ring  discussion. 


BY  NO  MEANS  A  BRITON. 

MR.  COBDEN  avows  that  Civis  Romanus  sum  is  by  no  means  a  con- 
ciliating motto  for  a  trader  in  a  foreign  land  to  place  over  his  counting- 
house.  MB.  COBDEN  is.  doubtless,  quite  right.  Money  is  your  true 
cosmopolitan ;  and  the  breeches-pocket  bolts  patriotism  and  all  such 
palaver.  When  you  are  in  Japan,  let  yourself,  all  in  the  way  of  trade 
be  lacquered  like  a  tea-board.  The  Dutch  were  a  wise  people  •  and  to 
show  their  religion  in  thrift,  and  their  inconvertible  faith  in  money, 
trod  upon  the  emblem  of  the  Cross,  that  they  might  be  allowed  to  make 
their  penn  orth  m  the  spice-market.  Should  MR.  COBDEN  be  returned 

Vl?  ff¥*~~i™  tnere  are  floating  doubts  upon  the  matter— it  is 
said  that  he  proposes  to  bring  in  a  Bill  to  denaturalise  himself  as 
a  Bntish-born  subject  He  is  quite  right,  for  with  his  commercial 
mind  he  is  a  Citizen  Bagman  of  the  World.  He  is  above  all  British 
prejudices,  and  believes  in  nothing  national  save  the  National  Debt 
i  has  long  smce  thought  the  battle  of  Trafalgar  a  myth,  and  Waterloo 
nothing  more  than  an  organised  hypocrisy.  BRITANNIA,  instead  of 

iling  the  waves  ought  to  work  at  the  washing-tub,  whilst  the  intrinsic 
worth  of  her  trident  is  outvalued  by  any  Birmingham  toasting-fork 
We  repat  it,  MR.  COBDEN  spurns  at  the  narrownels  of  mere  country- 
Mi  ovster  mav  be  a  native,  but  not  MR.  COBDEN.  His  inward  anatomy 
has  been  so  formed  and  moulded  by  the  working  vigour  of  his  opinions 
that,  whereas  the  human  heart  is  of  an  oblong  shape,  the  heart  of  the 
cosmopolitan  COBDEN  is  said  to  have  become  a  complete  sphere  In 
shape  and  outward  marking  like  one  of  MR.  WYLD'S  four-inch  globes 

C 


UN-ENGLISH    HISTORY. 


A  Chinese  Puzzle. 

MR  COBDEN  and  MR.  B ,.  PHILLIMORE  complain  of  our  Plenipoten- 
tiary for  not  proceeding  with  COMMISSIONER  YisH'according  to  the  Jew* 
w'lnt  htdM  "ltvernationaAdiPlomacy-  We  should  like  to  know  under 
«,».,.  i  f  "  Vj£TI*  GROTIUS.  or  PUFFENDORF  we  are  to  look  for 

iobe^  °n.  th<5  hea&  of  our  eMmics'  a"d  wla 
say  on  the  poisoning  of  flour  ? 


LM.USII  IlKADs  AT  A  CHINESE  PRICE.- YEK  offers  £5  for  the 
head  of  an  Englishman.  Had  he  listened  to  some  of  his  supporters  in 
larl  ament,  he  would  surely  have  reduced  the  market  price  of  the 


EERY  SIR  CHARLES 
NAPIER  has  been 
adding  to  his  Rus- 
sian reputation  by 
supplying  the 
"  materials  "  for 
(lie  History  of  the 
Baltic  Campaign  of 
1854,  which,  al- 
though we  do  not 
generally  review 
works  of  fiction, 
tempts  us  to  enrich 
our  columns  witli 
some  extracts.  To 
the  lovers  of  the 
marvellous  nearly 
every  one  of  the 
six  hundred  pages 


n      .-,  1  -»-l    pttQl^^ 

ol  the  work  will  prove  abounding  in  attraction,  although  having  but  so 
lately  buried  the  hatchet,  we  can  hardly  think  SIR  CHARLES  is  justified 
m  so  soon  throwing  it.  As  a  proof  of  his  proficiency  in  verbal  archery 
we  find  among  his  shots  with  the  long  bow  a  statement  that  in  Russia 

"  A  whole  nation  is  placed  in  a  degree  of  comfort  quite  equal  to  our  own," 

—a  fact  which  other  travellers  have  not  as  yet  revealed  to  us,  and 
which  almost  makes  us  wonder  that  SIR  CHARLES  hasn't  long  since 
turned  his  back  upon  ungrateful  England,  and  become  a  resident  in 
Kussia  lebx.  That  he  would  be  appreciated  there  he  docs  not  leave 
one  room  to  doubt,  for  he  expressly  introduces  a  "  distinguished 
Russian  officer,"  whom  he  quotes  in  all  the  glory  of  italics  as  remarking 
that  the  Admiral's  fame  with  us  stands  higher  than  ever."  SIR 
CHARLES  having,  with  KING  CLICQUOT,  been  among  the  non-comba- 
its,  has  ot  course  a  claim  for  Kvfos  from  the  Russians  ;  and  perhaps 
the  reason  why  his  fame  should  rank  more  highly  with  them  now  than 
ever  is  that,  although  the  war  is  ended,  he  has  not  yet  ceased  in  his 
attacks  upon  Ins  country,  and  is  still  attempting  the  destruction  of  our 
national  prestige.  Having  stormed  at  the  Admiralty  instead  of 
storming  Swcaborg  and  done  his  best  to  lower  the  standard  of  our 
-Xavy  after  not  pulling  down  the  flag  hoisted  at  Cronstadt,  SIR 
CHARLES  NAHBE  s  history,  to  have  commanded  any  sale,  should  bv 
rights  have  been  written  in  the  Russian  language,  for  we  are  convinced1 
that  few  Englishmen  will  read  it. 


MARCH  H,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


109 


MARY    ANN'S    NOTIONS. 

.   -     •'  i  "-,          I'll  'ilj1'!    , 


:.  , 

"  1  M:\i-.ii  knew  such  a  cross  old 
unkind  good-fof -aothing  old  thing  as  you 
are  in  all  my  life.  1  was  beginning  to 
be  quite  friendly  with  you,  and  to  write  to  you  with  confidence,  and 
then  you  suddenly  turn  snappish  and  sulky,  and  put  such  a  note  as 
that  to  my  letter  as  you  did  last  time.  I  know  very  well  what  it 
was  about".  1  made  iake,  and  mixed  up  the  -LORD  CHAN- 

CELLOR LEWIS  with  LOUD  CKANWOUTII,  the  Chancellor  of '  the 
Exchequer.  Why  could  not  you  have  set  me  right,  and  what  is  the 
use  of  i)rintevs  aiid  all  those  sort  of  people1  it'  they  cannot  correct 
little  inadvertencies  like  that  :•  And  then  for  you  to  put  a  cross  note, 
and  threaten  to  end  our  correspondence,  1  thought  you  were  so  old  as 
to  be  past  silly  petulance.'2 

"  I  have  a  very  good  mind  not  to  write  to  you  any  more,  and  I  will 
not,  either,  unless  you  behave  better  to  me.  I  suppose  the  changeable 
weather  has  put  you  out  of  sorts,  and  at  your  time  of  life2  it  is  trying, 
but  you  should  not  let  it  make  you  rude  to  people.  Now,  I  have  for- 
given you  this  time,  and  you  shall  be  my  dear  old  Mr.  Punch  again. 

"  Do  you  know  DR.  FARADAY  ? 3  I  suppose  so,  as  you  know  all  the 
clever  people  in  the  world.  Isn't  he  a  dear  ?  We  went,  that  is  LIZ/Y 
HAMEKTON  and  her  brother  CHARLES,  and  AUGUSTUS  and  me,4  to  the 
Royal  Institution  the  other  night,  and  Da.  FARADAY  gave  a  lecture. 
PRINCE  ALBERT  was  there  with  his  star  on,  looking  so  grave  and 
elegant;  and  by  the  way,  I  do  wish  that  you  would  not  have  ridiculous 
pictures  made  of  him,  for  he  is  excessively  good-looking  still,  and  I 
dare  say  much  handsomer  than  any  of  you  folks  that  caricature  him.6 
He  listened  with  the  utmost  stcadiness,and  I  do  not  believe  he  moved 
half  a  quarter  of  an  inch  all  the  time.  They  set  him  I  in  a  great  chair, 
you  know,  exactly  in  front  of  the  lecturer.  We  had  pretty  good  seats, 
considering  that  AUGUSTUS  kept  us  waiting  a  Quarter  of  an  hour  while 
he  smoked  his  cigar  (CHARLES  HAMKRTON  don't  smoke),  but  it  is 
extremely  absurd  to  see  rows  of  old  gentlemen,  mostly  with  bald 
heads,  in' the  front  of  the  audience,  and  of  course  in  the  best  places, 
while  ladies  arc  poked  up  in  back  rows.6  When  AUGUSTUS  came  from 
school,  he  used  to  say  something  in  Latin — ingenious  diddy  something 
—meaning  that  studying  the  arts  and  sciences  hindered  men  from 
being  Bears  ! 7  I  am  sure  it  docs  not  in  Albcmarle  Street,  or  a  couple 
of  the  old  creatures  would  have  given  up  their  places  to  me  and 
LlZZT. 

"  But  the  lecture  was  lovely.  It  was  quite  a  treat  to  look  at  dear 
DR.  FARADAY'S  earnest  face  and  silvery  hair,  not  that  he  is  an  old  man, 
far  from  it,  and  he  is  far  more  light  and  active  than  many  a  smoky 
stupid  all-round  collar -man  that  1  know,  and  I  believe  that  it  is  the 
cigar-smoke  that  makes  you  all  so  sluggish,  and  the  doctors  are  quite 
right.  Cii.\  iii.F.s  HAMERTON  says  that  tobacco  drives  almost  everybody 
mad,  besides  bringing  on  asthma,  and  blindness,  and  paralysis,  and 
corns.  I  hope  you  don't  smoke,  my  dear  Mr.  Punch,  it  would  make 
me  verv  miserable  if  I  thought  you  did.8  But  I  was  going  to  tell  you 
about  the  lecture.  Do  you  know  what  Gravitation  is  ?  Of  course  you 
will  say  you  do.  Well,  it  is  all  wrong,  and  so  poor  children  are  not  to 
be  bothered  by  Governesses  with  that  rubbish  any  more.  It  is  all — let 
me  have  the  words  right — it  is  all  Conservation  of  Forces.  This 
seemed  quite  clear  to  me  at  the  time,  especially  with  the  beautiful 
experiments  which  he  does  so  carefully  ana  yet  so  easily.  I  am  not 
certain  that  I  can  explain  it  quite  so  well  now,  but  if  you  hit  a  piece  of 
lead  very  hard,  it  sets  fire  to  phosphorus ;  and  if  you  stick  up  two 


'ii,  and  .sprinkle  ihrin,  they  muke  a  perfect  rustic 

bridge.     That  is,  urn  know,  joii   miiM.  put  them  hear  an  electrifying 

.  il'iv.n  comet  the  bridge, 

or  the  Tuur  de  .'.  .     Then  if 

uin  take  a  IOIILT  ,  't,'n.a 

...d,  an.l  JIM'  mirks  fly  out   of  it.     This 

bowl  what  idiots  men 

are    to   go  on    n  •,    like    cuckoos,   iust 

nf  a  tree  (and  I  dare 

say  lie  cat  it,  like  a  pig,  as  all  men  are)  and  imw  eoines  a  really  clever 
phili-  !  you  of  halt  the 

experiments  dear  1>K.  FARADAY  did,  but  then'  \\as  one,  when  he 
nibbed  a  bit  of  sealing-wax  in  stum-  flannel,  anil  D  -old  leaves 

dance  in  a  jar,  which  proved  quite  el.-  cri  lie 

•  in  do  it,  somewhere,  because  thffl  BCTW  danced  of  them- 
selves. It  was  a  most  heaulifnl  lecture,  MM  if  anything  could  excel 
it,  it  was  the  kindness  of  l)it.  F.VK.UM  S&,  «  hen  lathes 

him  questions,  and  he  hat   is 

'.ling,  lint  he  enteicd    with    e\  idenl   pleaMirc   into 

expl."  'ill   little    experiim  n,;.    for  us,"1  eleet  rifyiug 

:  things  like  1  but  tuns,  and  turning  wet  white  papei  luowii 

with  them  ;  and  if  we  did  n.  faults,  not 

his,  or  rather  it  was  the  fault  of  t  he  s.  a  give 

us.  which  makes  us  either  quote  like  parrots,  or  stare  like  owls,  when 
philosophy  comes  up." 

"  Anot  her  thing  struck  me,  and  1  D  Here  was  PR.FARADAY, 

a  really  great  man,  diving  into  the  wonderful  secrets  of  nature,  and 
explaining  them  in  the  ablest  manner.  Where  were  all  the  great  men 
and  the  statesmen,  and  the  M.l'.'s,  and  all  those  who  pretend  to  lead 
the  world'-  I.!  '!>esc  migktj  ll: 

Not  they.  That  very  night  it  seems,,  there  was  a  fierce  squabble  going  on 
in  Parliament,  nominally  al»  i«C8  is  China,  but  really  to  settle 

whether  one  set  of  ll.'s  mm  know)  or  the  other  should  have  situations 
of  Government,  and  take  our  money.1;  And  sueh  is  the  nature  of  men 
that  for  one  person  in  London  who'wa.s  thinking  that  night  about  DB. 
FARADAY  and  his  splendid  disr  hundred  were  arguing  and 

betting  whether  kLuuatenwovld  lie  heat  en  or  not.  As  CHARLEY  HAMER- 
TONU  (he  told  me  tin  i'j  winilj.  "1  wonder  whether  LOBD 

PALMKKSION  will  be  as  successful  in  his  Conservation  of  his  Forces." 
Dear  LORD  FALMF.RSTON",  1  consider  the  way  he  is  persecuted  as  per- 
fectly WICKED,  and  you  may  print  that  I  say  so.14 


"Monday." 


"  Tours,  affectionately, 
"  MARY 


I  YFe  despair  of  amending  your  discursive  style,  or  of  inspiring  you  with  proper 
sentiments  of  respect,  but  we  will  not  have  such  grammar  as  this.    Those  sort,  you 
charity  girl  I 

J  These  allusions  are  most  offensive.  A  gentleman's  age  is  not  measured  by  his 
years,  but  by  his  appearance  and  capabilities,  and  it  would  be  a  very  good  thing  it 
this  fact  were  universally  recognised.  We  have  thought  so  for  some  time  past. 

*  We  have  the  honour  and  happiness  of  knowing  DB.  FABADAY,  and  should  cer- 
tainly not  allow  a  silly  little  girl  to  take  any  liberties  with  his  name  or  his  teaching, 
did  we  not  know  that  DR.  FARADAY,  like  ourself,  always  looks  at  everything  from 
the  right  —  that  is,  the  kiudly  point  of  view. 

«  Me  is  undoubtedly  a  prettier  and  more  euphonious  pronoun  than  I,  and  we 
wink  at  its  being  occasionally  used  incorrectly,  but  under  protest,  as  now. 

5  One  of  the  greatest  mistakes  you  ever  made  in  all  your  life.  Call  on  MR. 
MAVALI,  and  own  it. 

8  The  only  excuse  for  these  gentlemen  U,  that  the  place  is  their  own,  and 
established  lor  their  own  specific  purposes. 

'  "  Inynwts  did  ieiist  fdtlitcr  artei,  etc.,  we  presume.  Why  not  have  asked  him 
to  write  you  out  the  quotation  ?  Could  you  not  take  that  slight  trouble. 

8  Dear  sympathising  child  —  but  d<».'(  we  T 

0  We  shall  not  offer  one  single  comment  upon  this  resume"  of  the  lecture,  beyond 
saying,  that  you  evidently  did  not  lav  hold  of  one  single  link  in  DR.  FA&ACAY'S 
argument. 

'»  All  this,  we  are  certain,  is  true,  and  your  instincts  are  better  than  your 
information. 

H  Not  b.d. 

II  AM  nonsense. 

u  We  bee  to  remark,  with  a  view  to  future  observations,  if  needful,  that  this 
young  gentleman's  name  has  been  mentioned  no  fewer  than  five  times  in  this  letter. 


oung 
14  W 


e  do,  aa  it  may  be  a  comfort  to  bis  Lordship  just  now. 


Keep  for  Common  People. 

MR.  JONES,  the  Chartist,  proposes  to  abolish  pauperism  by  dividing 
the  30,000,000  acres  of  land  now  lying  waste  in  this  country  among  the 
unemployed  poor,  in  order  that  they  may  cultivate,  without  capital, 
land  of  which  the  cultivation  will  not,  at  present,  pay  capitalists.  Tliis 
gentleman  may  call  himself  ERNEST,  but  we  should  say  that  MR. 
JONES  is  joking.  He  cannot  seriously  suppose  his  own  species  capable 
of  grazing  on  commons,  or  munching  furze^and  thistles. 


AN   IRRESISTIBLE   CONCLUSION. 

JUDGING  by  LORD  DERBY'S  angry  contradiction  of  the  authoritative 
report  in  DISRAELI'S  organ,  of  the  Opposit  ion  meeting  held  lately  at 
his  Lordship's  house,  his  Lordship  is  a  decided  enemy  to  the  Freedom 
of  the  Press. 


110 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  14,  1857. 


VOCAL  QUARTETT  ENDS  (LAMELY). 

Juvenile  1st  Treble  (in  great  wrath).  "  Out  of  Tune!  and  no  wonder  at  it.    I'll  defy  you  to  sing  in  tune  with  the  Guv'nor  snoriny  away  on 

that  confounded  E  u  of  his  all  the  time." 


POISONED    TEA. 

BRITISH  public,  look  to  your  tea-pots !  Great  would  be  our  remorse 
to  give  needless  alarm  to  the  meanest  individual,  if,  in  his  own  opinion, 
there  exists  such  a  person.  Nevertheless,  we  iterate  our  warning,  and 
cry  to  the  British  world,  look  to  your  'tea-jots !  The  Chinese,  with 
their  almond  eyes,  are  a"  far-seeing  people.  By  many  centuries,  accord- 
ing to  MH.  COBDEN,-  they  anticipated^  ARISTOTLE  ;  and  had  nameless 
BACONS,  plentiful  as  Chinese  hogs,  ages  before  the  time  of  the  Novum 
Organqn.  Long  before  his  time,  they  had  driven  herds  and  herds  of 
philosophic  pigs  to  market,  weaning  rising  generations  upon  the  succu- 
lent fatness  of  moral  rashers.  Well,  these  gifted  Chinese  foresaw  the 
coming  atrocities  to  be  inflicted  upon  , them  by  the  barbarian  English, 
and  were  predetermined.  With  the  inborn  power  of  looking  into  the 
very  centre  of  a  mill-stone,  they  had  had  a  prospective  view  of  the  core 
of  SIR  JOHN  BOWRING'S  heart,  and  steadfastly  resolved  upon  retribution. 
To  this  end,  some  time  ago — we  reserve  to  ourselves  the  privilege  of 
withholding  the  precise  date— the  Chinese  poisoned  a  few  thousand 
chests  of  tea  shipped  for  the  English  market.  At  this  very  hour,  we 
believe  that  that  deadly  tea  is  mortally  operating.  LORD  DERBY'S 
profound,  philosophic  people,  who  knead  death  in'bread,  and  craftily 
qualify  the  public  springs  with  poison,  are,  as  we  verily  believe, 
triumphing  at  this  hour  in  very  many  houses,  besides  the  'House  of 
Commons.  We  are  quite  open  to  correction  if  we  are  in  error;  but 
we  are  rather  confident  that  the  subjoined  alarming  intelligence  may  be 
relied  upon. 

At  breakfast,  following  the  division  on  MR.  COBDEN'S  motion,  MR. 
VV  .  J .  Fox  felt  very  curious  qualms  upon  swallowing  his  first  cup  of  tea. 

LORD  GODERICH,  revolving  the  result  of  the  motion,  thought  the 
tea  tasted  very  oddly.  The  question  darted  through  the  liberal  brain- 
Had  he  been  hocussed  ? 

MR.  ROEBUCK,  before  he  had  swallowed  a  mouthful  of  the  cup  that 
was  wont  to  cheer,  detected  as  he  believed,  a  flavour  of  sugar  of  lead. 
He  felt  a  strange  sensation,  but  at  the  time  could  not  determine  whether 
caused  by  remorse  or  the  colic. 

MR.  LAYARD  found  his  morning!Pekoe  very  bitter  in  the  mouth.   As 


a  traveller,  he  had  always  much  delighted  in  tea.  But— perhaps  it  was 
the  thought  of  what  they  would  say  at  Aylesbury — the  tea  of  the  fourth 
inst.  went  shockingly  against  his  stomach. 

LORD  J.RUSSELL'S  tea  was  by  no  means  to  his  liking.  He  never- 
theless believed  it  would  do  him  good ;  and  purely  out  of  respect  to  a 
much-loved  constitution,  gulped  it. 

MR.  TITE'S  tea,  although  as  weak  as  water,  and  milked  with  ass's 
milk,  appeared  to  him,  even  as  a  liberal  architect,  to  be  a  tea  of  the 
strangest  composition. 

MR.  COBDEN  paused  a  moment,  upon  swallowing  half  a  cupfull. 
However,  remembering  the  Chinese  precursor  of  ARISTOTLE,  the  Hon. 
Member  for  the  West  Riding,  confidently  stirred  his  Bohea,  and  calmly 
took  it  down,  calmly  as  SOCRATES  swallowed  his  poison. 

MR.  W.  WILLIAMS,  the  liberal  Member  for  Lambeth,  gulped  his  tea 
scalding  hot ;  having  but  little  sense  of  palate,  and  no  bowels. 

Thfese  are  a  few  of  the  cases.  We  could  add  to  the  number.  But 
at  this'ahirming  time,  it  is  our  duty  again  solemnly  to  repeat  to  the 
British  people — Look  to  your  tea-pots  ! 


In  Re  Parte  Disraeli,  Ex  Parte  Gladstone  and  others. 

DISRAELI  whines  over  the  death  of  Party.  However,  he  can  con- 
gratulate himself  upon  one  party  being  still  in  existence.  Por,  since 
RUSSELL,  ROEBUCK,  and  GLADSTONE  Tiave  joined  him  on  the  China 
question,  he  may  indeed  be  proud  of  being  at  the  head  of  a  SMALL  TEA 
PAHTY! 

THE  COALITION  FLAG. 

WE  understand  that  a  splendid  banner  is  being  worked  at  Man- 
chester, by  order  of  the  Peace  Society,  that  MR.  COBDEN  and  his  party 
may  go  to  the  country  under  it.  Its  material  is  superior  calico,  printed 
with  the  device  of  a  willow  pattern  and  the  motto  of  "  Cant  On." 


NICKNAME  FOR  GLADSTONE'S  COALITION.—"  The  Oxford  Sausage." 


'oTv&Ki^SkU  £""*?  ^l"",!-"'  I!',19'  S"etn't,Ro'1£,  W"'-  K»««°l'«  ru*.  both  in  th.  Pariih  of  St.  P.Dcra.,  In  ths  Countf  of  MlidlMcc. 
the  Precinct  at  W  hitefrian. in  the  tuy  at  London,  »ad  PubluheJ  by  them  at  No.  86,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  P«ri»h  of  St.  Bride,  in  th«  City  a 


MARCH  21,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE"  LONDON 'CHARIVAIM. 


ill 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

'.Mil.  Sunday.  Tin:  KAKI. 
or  SIIAI  TI:S|;I  KY  got 
the  d  to  pro- 

mise that  Sin    I; 
llr.J  111:1,1.  and  \1 
ART    WuliTI.EV       should 
say   whether   our    India 
merchants   are    tight    in 
ling    opium     intii 
China;   but  it  \\. 
the  distinct  undi 
in:,'   that    whatever    the 
A.(i.   and   S.  (I.    might 
reply,  Government    are 
not  committed  to  under- 
take   to    do    anythin; 
JOHN    CHINAMAN-,  pre- 
cious little  innocent  pet 

as  he  is  iii  the  e\es 
of  the  I'.lsnop  OF  Ox- 
j<ii;i>  (\vlio  ilandh-s  liini 
affectionately,  as  por- 
I  in  the  adjacent 
cartoon),  is  becoming  a 
terrible1  nuisance  to 
everybody  else,  including 
the  China-Coalition. 

In  the  Common*.  Mi;. 
SHAW  l.in.utE,  the 
Speaker,  stated  that,  he 
had  really  had  enough  of 
them,  and  meant  to  re- 
tire at  the  end  of  the 
Session.  Next  night 
LORD  PALMEKSTON.MR. 
DISRAELI,  LOUD  JOHN 
RrssELL,  and  SIR  JOHN 
PAKINGTON,  delivered 
orations  in  his  honour, 
and  the  House  addressed 
the  QUEEN,  asking  Her 

to  give  him  a  peerage,  to  which  the  Commons  promised  to  add  a  pension.  HER  MAJESTY  assented, 
and  on  Friday  the  complimentary  intention  of  the  House  was  carried  out.  MR.  LEFEVHE  is  THE 
ONLY  MEMBER  OF  ANY  HOUSE  OF  COMMONS  WITHIN  MR.  PUNCH'S  RECOLLECTION,  WITH  WHOM  THAT 
GENTLEMAN  HAS  NEVER  FOUND  A  SINGLE  FAULT.  Without  undervaluing  a  peerage  or  a  pension  of 
£-1,000  a-ycar,  Mr.  Punch  feels  that  in  placing  the  above  fact  upon  record,  in  small  capitals,  lie  has  done 
far  more  than  oven  his  Sovereign  or  Parliament,  towards  rewarding  his  Lordship  for  eighteen  years 
ot  valuable  service. 

On  the  second  reading  of  the  bill  for  reducing  the  Income-Tax,  MR.  DISRAELI  had  a  few  flings  at 
the  PREMIER,  and  sneered  at  "turbulent  and  aggressive  diplomacy;"  and  LORD  PALMKUSTON,  in 
return,  recapitulated  a  few  of  his  own  merits,  and  scoffed  at  the  phrase  manufactured  by  DIZZY  for  an 
elect  ion  crv.  MR.  GLADSTONE  cavilled  at  everything  that  Government  had  done,  and  LORD  JOHN 
RUSSELL  also  grumbled  a  good  deal,  but  in  a  more  practical  tone.  He  also  strongly  protested  against 
the  American  proposition  touching  England's  surrender  of  her  maritime  rights,  and  Mr.  Punch,  for  auld 
lang  syne,  is  glad  to  set  down  any  commendable  word  or  deed  on  the  part  of  an  old  friend  who  is  lu's 
own  worst  enemy.  SIR  CHARLES  WOOD  then  asked  for  and  received  53,700  men  for  the  navy,  to  be  at 
his  service  till  the  3rd  of  July.  A  million  and  a  half  of  money,  or  so,  was,  of  course,  handed  to  him  for 
expenses. 

Tuesday.  The  Lords  did  nothing,  beyond  agreeing  to  a  new  plan  for  taking  their  divisions  without 
turning  out  strangers— assimilating  their  system  to  that  in  the  Commons,  taufihe  important  exception 
of  the  Proxy. 

In  the  Commons  MR.  SPOONER  promised— everybody  knows  what— for  the  next  session.  The  hunting 
season  is  nearly  over,  but  if  that  daring  and  good-natured  fox-hunter,  the  Horsetaming  NEWDEGATE, 
in  return  for  many  kindnesses  from  Mr.  Punch,  would  oblige  him  by  trying  to  ride  over  his  intolerable 
colleague  in  the  course  of  the  next  fortnight,  Nimrod  N.  shall  have  a  session's  immunity  for  his  ultra- 
Protestant  ism .  Is  it  a  bargain  ? 

WILLIAM  WILLIAMS  and  APSLEY  PELLATT,  being  the  only  two  Metropolitan  Members  who  voted  for 
dishonouring  the  national  flag,  and  maltreating  the  country's  servants,  thought  it  necessary  to  try  a  bit 
of  clap-trap  lor  their  Lambeth  and  Southwark  constituents,  so  brought  in  a  motion  which  they  knew 
could  not  be  earned,  for  abolishing  the  Income-Tax  on  incomes  under  £150.  Only  five  other  humbugs 
joted  'With  them,  and  though  constituencies  that  return  such  persons  are  shown,  ipso  facto,  to  be  very 
foolish,  such  a  transparent  trick  as  this  can  hardly  be  serviceable.  An  abstract  proposition  of  MR. 
GLADSTONE  s,  about  revision  of  taxation,  was  advanced  by  him  for  the  sake  of  talking,  and  negatived 
when  there  had  been  talking  enough,  or  a  trifle  later. 

Wednesday.  The  Imaum  of  Muscat  has  ceded  to  England  the  Kooria  Mooria  islands,  wherein  is  much 
[t  may  not  be  generally  known  that  this  oriental  Partv  claims  sovereignty  over  immense 
territory,  and  lots  of  islands,  Asiatic  and  African ;  has  a  large  naval  force,  aud  seems  to  be  a  very  just 
and  liberal  despot.  We  do  not  believe  that  anybody  in  the  House  of  Commons,  (except,  perhaps,  some 
young  lady  in  t  he  gallery,)  when  Sin  JAMES  DUKE  asked  for  some  correspondence  on  the  subject,  could 
have  given,  off-hand,  the  above  information.  Twenty-one  millions  were  voted  to  meet  Exchequer  bills 
lor  this  year,  and  three  millions  for  civil  services  (including  education,  some  members  patriotically 

VOL.  XSXTI.  v- 


objecting  to  pay  for  this)  and  revenue 
MS  — not     a    baa     half-hoar's 
work. 

Thursday.  LORD  DKHIIV  threatened 

(lie  Peers  with  a  speech  mi  1  he  subject. 

of  the  coining  I)is-ulut  ion,  with  which 

he  is  naturally  as   much  dissatislied  as 

men    :ire    with    the   distressing 

•   of  a  blunder   which    they  in- 

•I  fora  masterpiece  of  cleverness. 

II-  rimmed  a  blunderbuss  chock  full 
of  faction,  and  gave  it  to  three  mis- 
chievous fellows  to  fire  off.  They 
polled  the  bigger,  and  tin1  recoil  has 

knocked  them  all  backwards,  and  he 
will  have  a  good  deal  to  nay  before  he 
the  hist  of  the  affair. 

^Lnitii  Ki.LEMioiioi  on,  undercover 
of  some  remarks  in  favour  of  our 
keeping  scrupulous  faith  with  the 
Chinese,  gave  some  capital  practical 
advice  as  to  the  best  mode-  of  making 
war  upon  them.  LORD  PAN 
promised  to  maintain  the  honour  of 
the  Flag,  and  said  that  Government 
were  going  to  send  out  an  officer  to 
negOCiate  for  what  was  just,  and 
reasonable,  and  if  he  could  not  get 
that,  he  would  fall  on  China  with  all 
his  might,  LORD  PANMTRE  trusting 
in  Providence  for  a  successful  re- 
sult. The  envoy  is  LORD  ELGIN. 
The  same  day  came  the  mail,  with 
news  that  ADMIRAL  SEYMOUR  had 
given  the  Chinese  a  further  hint  that 
we  were  in  earnest,  bv  burning  down 
the  western  suburbs  of  Canton. 

The  Commons  did  an  excellent  thing 
—their  approaching  end  evidently  im- 
presses them  with  virtuous  sentiments. 
MR.  PALK,  a  Conservative  country 
member,  moved  a  resolution  for  the 
recognition,  by  the  House,  of  the  ser- 
vices of  SIR  JOHN  M'NEILL  and 
Cin.nxEL  TULTXJCII,  the  Crimean  Com- 
missioners. He  ably  recapitulated 
their  labours,  and  though  the  Govern- 
ment did  not  like  a  vote  which  delibe- 
rately recorded  the  conviction  of  the 
House  that  the  Board  at  Chelsea  was  a 
sham,  got  up  to  scour  the  dirty  reputa- 
tions of  persons  with  aristocratic  con- 
nections, the  proximity  of  the  Hustings 
forbade  fight  for  the  Horse-Guards, 
and  an  address  to  the  Crown  (SIDNEY 
HERHERT  supporting  it),  was  voted, 
prajing  a  signal  acknowledgment  of 
the  merits  of  the  Commissioners.  The 
frightful  profanity  which  this  decision 
has  caused  at  the  military  clubs,  can 
only  be  estimated  by  those  who  have 
seen  an  ignorant,  gallant,  bullying, 
gouty  old  officer,  in  a  purple  rage. 

FRED.  PEEL  then  asked  for  and  re- 
ceived 126,790  men  for  the  army,  to 
be  at  his  service  for  four  months.  A 
couple  of  millions,  or  so,  was  of  course 
handed  to  him  for  expenses. 

Friday.  LORD  CAMPBELL  seems  de- 
termined to  be  a  Real  Blessing  to  the 
Press.  He  hoped  that  in  next  Session 
the  grievances  to  which  journalists  are 
exposed  by  the  kw  of  libel  would  be 
redressed,  and  he  specially  adverted 
to  the  abominable  costs  which  a  news- 
paper incurs  in  defending  itself  against 
the  attack  of  a  worthless  plaintiff  and 
n  greedy  attorney,  even  when  the 
brace  of  rascals  are  kicked  out  of 
court  by  a  jury.  The  L.  C.  J.  thought 
that  some  measure  might  be  devised 
for  making  the  costs  m  such  a  case 
fall  upon  the  party  who  brought  the 
action.  This  would  certainly  be  an 
improvement,  to  wliich  might  be  added 


112 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  21,  1857. 


a  ehuse  for  rendering  the  attorney  liable,  where  the  ease  was  evidently 
bad,  and  for  providing  that  if  the  aitorncy  were  one  of  the  huugry- 
looking,  grubby-nailed,  seedy  harpies  who  ;ire  usually  at  the  bottom 
of  such  actions',  and  who  had  no  means  of  paying  for  the  mischief  he 
perpetrated,  he  should  be  transferred  from  the  fiolls  to  the  Crank. 

"  If  ho  have  nae  gold  to  fine, 
He  has  slims  to  pine." 

as  the  humane  Scotch  NOTES  hath  it . 

LOUD  CLARENDON  slated  the  contents  of  the  treaty  with  Persia. 

i AH  gives  up  Herat,  and,  incase  of  any  future  squabble  with 

Afghanistan,  is  hi  apply  to  England.    We  are  to  have  Consuls  where 

ae,  and  our  insulted  and  polyglottical  MURRAY  is  to  be  received 

hack  with  glory,  but   we  are  not  to  "protect"  any  native  not  in  the 

actual   service' of  the  embassy.     Of  course  we  withdraw  our  army. 

LORD   KLLENBOKOUGH    bad    entirely  approved    the   war,  which   he 

regarded  as  waged  with  Russia,  and  looked  at  the  peace  as  a  sort  of 

victory  over  her. 

lien  eminent  is  trying  to  save  Smithficld  from  the  civic  Vandals,  and 
to  keep  it  for  some  public  purpose,  but  the  corporation  is  eager  to 
grab  a  rental,  and  resists.  I1' RED.  PEEL  said  that  a  commission  «as  to 
be  issued  for  inquiry  into  the  subject  of  Army  Medical  Reform,  on 
which  MR.  STAM-OKD  professed  a  conviction,  shared  by  .Mr.  Punch, 
that  the  authorities  will  do  as  little  as  they  possibly  can.  Miss 
NIGHTINGALE'S  approbation  of  the  condition  of  the  hospital  at  Wool- 
wich was  mentioned  to  the  House  with  natural  satisfaction  by  the  Hero 
of  k; 

The  Mutiny  Acts  have  been  brought  in,  and  to-night  SIR  G.  LEWIS 
had  but  to  a-k  i'm-  Thirteen  Millions  of  money  for  Ways  and  Means  to 
have  it.  A  brief  Saturday  sitting  helped  on  matters  of  form.  We 
shall  soon  In:  oil'.  The  country  must  be  looking  pleasant;  daffodils 
ami  celandine  arc  flowering,  the  rooks  are  repairing  their  old  nests, 
and  the  trout  begin  to  n>e. 

In  the  course  of  the  debate  on  the  Navy  Estimates  it  was  stated, 
that  "  on  board  HER  MAJESTY'S  ships  there  were  always  a  number  of 
Novices."  The  idea  struck  Mr.  Punch  as  so  charming  a  cue,  that  he 
could  not  refrain  from  making  his  pictorial  record  of  it.  A  British 
Sailor's  life  must  indeed  be  pleasant  under  such  circumstances.  How 
delightful  to  keep  the  watch  with  a  party  of  Novices ! 


NEXT  PRESENTATIONS  AT  COURT. 

WE  observe  that,  at  the  late  levee,  various  persons  were  presented 
on  their  promotion  in  the  Army  or  Navy,  their  return  from  foreign 
service,  1  heir  accession  to  title,  their  marriage,  their  appointment  to 

Eiblic  situations,  their  investment  with  the  Order  of  the  Bath  and  the 
egion  of  Honour,  and  on  divers  other  accounts  and  occasions.  We 
missed  the  name  of  JOHN  MAKKIIAM,  presented  on  his  liberation  from 
prison  by  a  free  pardon  for  an  offence  which  he  never  committed. 
Such  a  presentation,  by  the  Secretary  of  State  for  the  Home  Depart- 
ment, would  be  an  appropriate  amends— plus  a  sum  of  money — to  a 
sufferer  who  had  been  injured  by  a  "  legal  accident." 


CHINESE    CHRONOLOGY. 

('Cording  to  COCKER  and  COBDEN.) 

Daily  Taper  issued  at  Pekin 5035  B.O. 

Vaccination  rigorously  enforced 4999  „ 

Welsh  rabbits  a  common  article  of  food  ....  3SD5  ,, 

Chloroform  first  tried  on  a  criminal.     Grand  surprise  of  the 
latter,  on  recovering  his  senses,  to  find  that  his  head  had 

been  cut  off 2736  ,, 

The  Globe  drawn  and  quartered  by  a  Chinese  mappist         .  2539  ,, 

Beefsteaks  made  ot  gutta-percha  at  the  cheap  eating-houses  2112  ,, 

Perambulators  and  the  Mini<5  Rifle  perfected    .        .        .     .  2009  ,, 
Gunpowder  invented.      Canton  grocers  put  it  into  their 

"lie-tea  "  to  make  it  go  off 1847  ,, 

Quadrature  of  the  Circle  satisfactorily  proved    .        .        .    .  1G58  ,, 

The  Willow  Pattern  Plate  starts  on  a  tour  round  the  world  1657  ,, 

The  "  Pons  Asinorum  "  first  crossed 1429  ,, 

Great  Wall  of  China  built.     ME-KI  sticks  bills  upon  it,  in 
defiance  of  the  police  injunctions,  pasted  up  everywhere, 

BI-LLS-ST1-CKE-KSB-EWA-RE 1385  „ 

Cheap  Excursions  with  the  First  Balloon      ....  1372  „ 
Trigonometrical  survey  of  the  Mountains  of  the  Moon     .    .  13<'>G  ,, 
The  Seeds  of  Anarchy  sown  in  China  by  the  Tartars     .        .  13-4  ,, 
First  trial  of  Blacking  made  upon  an  Elephant .        .        .     .  'i. 
The  Circulation  of  the  Blood  and  Penny  Newspapers  dis- 
covered          1287  „ 

Crinoline  sweeps  China  in  all  its  length  and  breadth         .     .  1277  ,, 
The  Isle  of  Dogs  discovered,  and  u^c<  I  for  hundreds  of  years 

as  a  canine  preserve  for  the  Emperor  of  China       .        .  1265  ,, 

The  first  stone  of  Manchester  laid  by  a  Chinese  conjuror      .  1259  ,, 

Penny  Post  in  full  operation  throughout  China     .        .        .  r.: 

Infallible  cure  for  hydrophobia  discovered         .        .        .     .  1225  ,, 
The  Face  of  Nature  photographed  ill  all  its  features  by 

Chinese  artists 1202  „ 

The  "  Standard  of  Sherry  "  planted  by  the  English  on  the 

walls  of  Hong-Kong 379  A.D. 

First  appearance  of  a  China  Orange  in  Lombard  Street         .        411  ,, 

Defeat  of  the  PALIUIMTON  Ministry  by  YKH   ....  1S57  „ 

The  above  are  a  few  extracts  from  a  History  of  China,  to  which 
MR.  COBDEN  intends  devoting  all  his  energies  as  soon  as  he  loses  his 
election.  It  will  be  seen  that  some  of  our  greatest  discoveries  and 
inventions  were  known  amongst  the  Chinese  long  before  Europe  had 
emerged  from  the  swaddling-clothes  of  her  first  childhood.  It  would 
seem,  also,  so  far  removed  are  they  in  civilisation  from  us,  that 
several  of  their  discoveries  have  not  had  time  yet  to  reach  us  !  We 
look  forward  with  the  greatest  interest  to  MR.  COBDEN'S  new  work. 
In  the  meantime,  as  a  proof  how  entirely  he  is  giving  his  head  to  this 
beloved  project,  we  may  mention  that  a  most  promising  pig-tail  is 
beginning  to  sprout  behind  his  back.  It  would  not  surprise  us  any 
day  to  hear  that  Ms  head  had  been  shaved ! 


A  PRETTY.  KIND  OP  CARPENTERS. 

Br  advices  from  Paris  we  learn  that — 

"  The  EMPEROR,  the  day  before  yesterday,  received  a  deputation  of  30  carpenters 
from  the  Hallos,  headed  by  their  master,  who  presented  to  His  Majesty  a  basket  of 
flowers,  on  the  occasion  of  the  completion  of  the  works  of  the  pavilion  of  the  Central 
Halle." 

It  does  not  appear  -whether' the  flowers'alluded  to  were  natural  or  arti- 
ficial, but,  presented  by  carpenters,  they  may  be  reasonably  supposed 
to  have  been  of  the  latter  kind,  and  specimens  of  carving  in  the  sub- 
stance in  which  those  artificers  work.  Probably  those  flowers  consisted, 
in  part,  of  wood  violets,  wood  anemones,  and  woodbine  made  out  of 
real  wood.  But,  if  they  were  actual  odoriferous  flowers  of  spring,  a 
question  arises  about  the  donors.  The  carpenters  are  stated  to  have 
been  headed  by  their  master.  Is  not  this  a  mistake  ?  In  France  there 
is  a  much  greater  scope  afforded  to  female  industry  than  there  is  here, 
and,  considering  the  prettincss  and  delicacy  of  the  present,  should  you 
not  think  that  the  correct  statement  would  have  been  that  the  carpen- 
tresses  were  headed  by  their  mistress  ? 


KNOWLEDGE  or  THE  WOULD.— When  we  leave  school  our  Education 
begins. 


A  Home  Question  Settled  at  Last. 

TIIE  birthplace  of  ST.  MEDARD,  who  is  the  French  ST.  SWITHIN, 
has  long  been  a  puzzle  to  French  archaeologists.  However,  the 
bMiopile  JACOB  says  that  there  is  every  ground  for  supposing  it  was 
somewhere  near  Tours,  for  undoubtedly  ST.  MEDARD'S  Province  in 
Fiance  was  To-Raiu  (Touraitie). 


THE   STAGES  OF  A  TRIPLE  ALLIANCE. 

COALITION  hot  : 

Coalition  cold; 
Coalition  gone  to  pot, 

'Ere  a  month  is  told. 


THE  GENIUS  OF  TOM  THUMB.  —  Did  you  ever  see  the  like  of 
BARNUM?  Yes:  you  have  seen  a  locomotive.  It  runs  to  and  fro, 
puffing. 


MAUCII  21,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CllAHIVALIl. 


113 


A    BLESSED    PROSPECT. 


UE  NEWSPAI'KK.S  omi- 
nously declare  th:it  il' 
the  contemplated  Bill 
for  the  Registration  of 

Til  Irs  becomes  law, 
two-thirds  of  the  coun- 
1  ry  solicitors  \vlio  now 
live  by  "  conveyan- 
cing"— 

("  '  Convey*  the  wiso 
it  call ! ") 

— may'as  well  shut  up 
shop  at  once. 
an    enormous     i 

lion  of  the  Bill! 
Properly  stated  in 
liaincnt,  this  fact  alone 
ought  tooM 

Let   a  hn 
pledge  be  at  on 
acted   of  every  candi- 
date    at    the  (." 
Election,   to    vote  for 
the     Registration     of 
Titles  Bill,  in  consider- 
ation not  more  of  its 
intrinsic    merits    than 
of  this,  its  most  desi- 
rable consequence. 


PLAYHOUSE  PAROXYSMS. 

THE  retained  critic  of  the  Morning  Herald  had  a  most 

Invrly  essay  on  the  production  of  tlir  last   mir;n 
the  Princess's   Theatre  —  Richard  II.      Ainon^    other 
inisiui^  intelligence,  lir  a-surrsa  thoughtful  public 
that  the   spectators  fwe  were  about    to  \\  rite  aii'h 
were  "  in  a  frenzy  of  delight."     Is  not  this  a  ea 
the  ConiniissioniTs  of    !.:inae\  ':      \\  is  said  that  prnate 

.rth  be  let  with  I  : 

ii   be  no  doubt  that  tin-  very 

tine,  and  th  i.-autiful.  exceedingly.     fM  nee  the 

meeting  of  the  (  'I  u  displayed 

SOCh  a  gathering   of  ail    Kn^lish    mob.      \\  C  have 


. 

doubt  that,  m  memory  of  his  own  tstableship, 

Loi  is  NAI'<ILI.U\  w  ill  furward  to  t  ' 

of  the  Le-.'ioii  of  Honour.  A  knighthood  has  hitherto 
been  spoken  of  as  the  final  reward  of  Ml;.  ]\  r  \  -,  \  scenic 
and  di  pirit  :  but  after  Riehard  II.  it  is  not 

KMed  thai    h  j  than 

a  baroneiej.     way,  in   furilu-r  conside  he  ad- 

mirable. manner  in  which  a  port  ion  of  MR.  K.vn  i's  stud 
has  been  trained,  it  would  not  at  all  m  if  tin- 

manager  were  al-o  made  perpetual  Master  of  tin:  Horse. 


Geography  for  Ever. 

perceive  that' MR.   .1  \.MES   Wu.i>,   of  Chat-in? 

ddress  to  the  electors  of  Bo< 

Should  he  be  returned,  there  will  be,  in  the  next  House 
of  Commons,  at  least  one  Chartist. 


ELECTION    INTELLIGENCE. 

(H'lth  verbal  Illustrations^) 

City  of  London.  —  Should  LOUD  JOHN  RUSSELL    be   snnbbed    by 
London,  lie  will  pop  into  the  Bedford  borough  of  Tavistock. 

"  A  mouse,  with  but  one  hole  at  need," 
Is  sure  a  foolish  mouse  indeed. 

BARON  ROTHSCHILD  will,  as  usual,  be  supported  for  the  Christian  city. 
"  And  why  ?   I  am  a  Jew  !  " 

Tiverton.  —  Gracefully  refusing  a  hundred  places,  PALMERSTON  re- 
mains true  to  Tiverton. 

'  '  And  '  master  '  of  himself,  though  China  fall." 

Oxford  University.  —  MR.  GLADSTONE  will,  if  necessary,  split  votes 
into  any  number  of  any  tenuity. 

"  So  fine,  there  'e  nought  'twixt  him  and  nothing." 

Sucks.  —  MR.    DISRAELI    will    very   confidently  face  his  old  con- 
stituents. 

"  An  oiled  and  curled  Assyrian  bull." 

Southampton.  —  The  Bank-Governor,   MR.  WEGUELIX,  has  the  very 

best  reasons  for  assured  success. 

"  I  promise  to  pay  -  .* 

Manchester.  —  Though  lost  to  sight,  to  memory  dear.    JOHN  BRIGHT 
stands  for  Cottonopolis. 

"  Some  CROMWELL  guiltless  of  his  country's  blood." 

Lamoeth.  —  Mis,  W.  WILLIAMS  is  by  no  means  sure  of  his  seat:  his 
Chinese  vote  is  all  against  him. 

"  Some  men  cannot  abide'a  gaping  pig." 

MR.  ALDERMAN  WIRE  offers  his  legal  knowledge  to  the  borough. 
"  Ho  was—  could  he  help  it—  a  special  attorney." 

Teifkts/jury—  Positively  MR.  HUMPHREY  BROWN  wffl  again  go  for 
re-election. 

"  A  man  ho  was  to  nil  the  country  dear." 

SoJniH.—I\  that  Jiu.  WILD  is  about  to  prepare  himself 

for  the  hustings. 

"  Put  money  in  thy  purse." 

Frame.—  MR.  DOXALD  XIUOL,  of  the  cosmopolitan  paletot,  again 
contests  Frome. 

"  Not  men,  but  measures." 


S»«^#—  Altogether  careless  of  the  result,  MR.  ROEBUCK  will  just 
stand  for.  Sheffield. 

"  This  is  some  fellow, 

Who  having-  been  prais'd  for  bluntiiess,  doth  aSect 
A  saucy  roughness." 

G-reenwich.—  LIEUT.-GEX.  CODRIXGTON  again  solicits  the  purity  of 
the  borough. 

"  You  cannot  touch  pitch,  and  not  be  defiled." 


Wett  Riding—  MR.  COBDEX  gracefully  and  considerately  retires. 

"  No  mau  was  ever  written  down  but  by  himself." 

Southwark.  —  SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER  has  determined  again  to  face  the 
constituency. 

"  Cease,  rude  Boreas." 

finslntry.—  MR.  SERJEAXT  PARRY  graces  the  hustings,  and  hopefully 
addresses  the  electors. 

"  Then  he  will  talk;  ye  Gods  !  how  he  will  talk." 

Marykbone.—'&vs.  BEXJAMIS  HALL  and  LORD  EBRINGTON  are  to 
remain  undisturbed. 

"  Silence  that  dreadful  BEI.L." 

Westmimier.  —  Churchwarden     WESTERTOJT,     of     Knightsbridge 
threatens  DE  LACY  and  SLR  T.  V.  SHELLEY. 

"  Night's  candles  are  burnt  out." 

Tamworth.  —  SIR  ROBERT  PEEL,  as  a  matter  of  course,  will  be  sent 
back  to  the  House  of  Commons. 

"  Babylon  was  built  of  bricks." 

West  Surrey.—  MR.  H.  DRUMMOND  is,  doubtless,  certain  of  re- 
election. 

"  I  understand  a  fury  in  thy  words,  but  not  thy  words." 

Carlisle.  —  There  is  an  unanimous  feeling  against  SIR  JAMES  GRAHAM 

"  For  any  change  must  better  our  condition." 

North  Warwickshire.  —  The  present  members,  SPOOSER  and  NEWDE- 
GATE,  are  said  to  be  safe  for  re-election. 

"  Troubles  never  come  single." 

8underland.—1i  is  said  that  MR.  GEORGE  HUDSON  will  absolutely 
stand  again. 

"  And  when  his  legs  were  smitten  off, 
He  fought  upon  his  stui 


.—  MR.  SAMUEL  WARREN  has  been  cordially  received,  and 
will  be  duly  returned. 

"  Where  the  Bee  sacks,  there  lurk  I—" 
*  To  paint  the  Lily—  " 

Birmingliam.  —  MR.  MUKTZ  is  very  confident,  despite  of  China,  of 
re-election. 

"  A  rugged  man,  o'ergrown  with  hair." 

^fali/on.  —  MK.  MECHI,  not  wishing  to  divide  the  liberal  interest,  has 
retired. 

"  A  razor  warranted  not  to  cvf." 


Nineveh  at  Aylesbury. 

MR.  LAYARD  lias  met  with  no  encouragement  to  stand  again  for 
Aylesbnry.      His  vote  on  the  Chinese  question   has  proved  th, 
made  a  much  greater  bull  than  he  ever  discovered.    We  drop  a  tear 
over  the  mischance. 


114 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  21,  1857. 


SIB  CHAELES   KAPLEE  FOE   SOUTHWAEK. 

"  GEXTLEIEEX, 

"  THE  Parliamentary  ship  being  about  to  go  to 
pieces,  we  reckon  to  be  all  adrift  upon  spars  and  hencoops 
about  the  25th  iustant.  You  '11  throw  old  CHARLEY  a  rope 
again,  won't  you ':  If  you  do,  I  can  tell  you  that  this  bout, 
vou  're  not  likely  to  be  again  deprived  of  your  Member. 
He  won't  again  be  sent  to  another  Black  Sea  with  no 
gunboats  and  fewer  able  seamen;  which,  as  everything 
depended  upon  correct  firing,  was  not  the  likely  way  to 
storm  Cronstadt  sword  in-hand. 

"  Be  certain,  Gentlemen,  that  I  shall  do  the  best  to 
support  the  trade  of  Southwark  in  its  exports  to  Russia, 
being  assured  by  the  GRAND  DUKE  COXSTAXTIXE,  who  is 
every  inch,  and  a  little  more  a  sailor,  that  he  has  the 
liveliest  affection  for  the  people  of  Southwark,  and  a 
particular  admiration  for  one  of  your  Members. 

I  regret  that  the  sudden  dissolution  of  Parliament 
should  not  have  allowed  me  to  overhaul  young  SIR  ROBERT 
PEEL  as  I  intended ;  but  just  only  return  me,  and  see  if  I 
don't  yet  polish  him  off  as  clean  as  anv  scupper- nail. 

"  As  for  the  Lords  of  the  Admiralty,  a  sense  of  private 
duty  compels  me  to  say  that  1  despise  the  whole  boiling 
of  'em. 

"  On  the  day  of  nomination,  I  hope  to  be  proposed  by 
the  Russian  ambassador,  whilst  his  lady  has  handsomely 
promised  to  work  me  a  flashy  pair  of  colours.  Pressing 
business  will  detain  my  affectionate  friend  DUKE  < 

MINK  in  St.  Petersburg,  otherwise  he  would  have  done 
himself  the  pleasure  of  accompanying  me  on  my  canvas  ; 
especially  as  he  saw  it  from  so  great  a  distance  off 
Cronstadt. 

"  England  expects  every  Southwark  man  to  vote  for  old 
CHARLEY. 

"  Yours,  true  as  pitch, 

"  CHARLES  NAPIER." 

"Sear  and  Ragged  Staff  Committee  Soonu." 


TOUCHING. 

AKD  WHAT  BECOME  or  HER?" 


Friend.  " — . 

But  Drirer  (viih  emotion).  "  WELL!— SHE  wos  TOOK  AWAY  FBOM  ME— AST  GOT   UP  R 
ISTO  BAD  HANDS,  YEB  BEE — AND  SOON  WENT  ALL  TO  PIECES.- — DEAR  !  DEAR  .' — SHE 
wos  WERBY  BEAUTIFUL  ! — SUCH  A  SHAPE  !  ASD  SUCH  A  LOVELY  COLOUR  !   (Sighing. » 

HAH  !    I  SHALL  JtEVEB,   NEVER,  SEE — SUCH — AHOTHER BUSS  AGIN  !  " 


Abolition  of  Greenwich  Fair. 

A  GREENWICH  paper  "  stops  the  press "  to  announce, 
on  the  most  reliable  authority,  the  abolition  of  the  time- 
honoured  fair.    It  is  even  so,    Greenwich  If  air  has  given 
' 


THE  AXTI-MAYNOOTH    GRANT.  —  The    Editor   of   the 
Morning  Advertiser. 


THE  FROZEN-OUT  TEA  GARDENERS. 

AVE  'VE  got  no  work  to  do,  we  are  in  great  distress, 

We  don't  appeal  to  you  from  sloth  and  idlei. 

Our  ground  has  got  too  hard ;  the  case  we  state  is  true, 

From  house  and  home  we  're  barred — we '  ve  got  no  work  to  do. 

We  've  got  no  work  to  do ;  however  we  must  live, 
We  gladly  would  turn  to,  employ  if  you  would  give, 
It  is  our  chief  desire  our  calling  to  p'ursue, 
And  nothing  we  require  except  some  work  to  do. 

We  've  got  no  work  to  do,  we  do  not  wish  to  rob, 
And  all  we  have  in  view  is  to  procure  a  job, 
For  labour  'tis  we  ask,  we  don't  care  what ;  or  who 
Appoints  us  to  the  task,  and  gives  us  work  to  do. 

We  've  got  no  work  to  do,  we  are  not  begging  here, 
Though  we  are  going  through  necessity  severe; 
Misfortune  'tis  alone  this  state  has  brought  us  to, 
'Tis  no  fault  of  our  own  we  've  got  no  work  to  do. 


THE  POLITE  LETTER-WRITER. 

"  LORD  PANMURE  requests  the  attendance  of  SIB  JOHN  M'NEILL 
and  COL.  TULLOCH  at  the  War  Office  to  partake  of  a  cold  shoulder  of 
mutton. 

"  P.S.  If  SIR  J.  M'N.  and  COL.  T.  find  £1000  note  under  each  of  their 
plates,  LORD  PANJH;RE  hopes  they  will  pocket  it  without  any  nonsense." 

Anneer.  "  SIR  J.  M'NEILL  and  COL.  TCLLOCH  respectfully  beg  to 
decline  LORD  PANMI;RE'S  polite  invitation.  Thev  dislike  cold  shoulder 
and  don't  want  £1000." 


AUSTRIA  TO  IRELAND. 

As  impulsive  gratitude  is  one  of  the  noble  characteristics  of  Irish- 
men; hence,  the  Irish  papers  have  for  some  time  rung  with  the  praises 
of  the  ARCH-Drcn?:ss  SOPHIA  of  Austria,  mother  of  the  present 
Emperor,  for  baving  bestowed  upon  one  MR.  WILLIAM  BEKN.YRD 
M'UABE,  a  Dublin  author,  a  breast-pin,  for  his  work  called  Adelaide, 
Quee*  of  Italy.  The  pin  is  a  very  fine  affair,  indeed.  "  It  is,''  writes 
Saunderi's  enthusiast : — 

"  1 1  is  a  shamrock,  of  which  the  stem  and  leaves  are  composed  of  brilliants  of  the 
finest  water,  and  the  dazzling  richness  of  which  is  set  off  by  a  thin  rim  of  jet  black 
enamel,  in  imitation  of  the  Irish  oak.  A  more  appropriate  or  more  beautiful  present 
Jvr  on  Jrukman  to  receive  could  not  possibly  be  devised ;  and,  to  truly  grrrgtmu  if 
thit  dazzling  cliuter  of  no  less  than  twenty-eight  diamonds,  that  it  may  be  well  said 
,  it  is  one  such  as  alone  the  mother  of  an  Einperor  cuuld  bestow." 

Somehow  the  character  of  the  giver  will  hang  about  the  sift.  Now, 
the  ARCH-Di  IIIA  has  a  peculiar  mode  of  showing  her  taste 

in  jewellery.  For  instance,  history  tells  us  that  on  the  first  anniversary 
of  the  day  of  Arad,  of  that  day  011  which  the  martyrs  of  Hungary 
bled  upon  the  scaffold,  this  woman  SOPHIA  came  to  court  with  a 
bracelet  of  rubies  set  in  so  manv  roses  as  were  the  number  of  heads 
of  the  brave  Hungarians  who  fell  there.  A  knowledge  of  this  fact 
does,  somehow,  throw  a  blight  upon  the  shamrock  vouchsafed  to  MR. 
M'CABE — does  make  the  "dazzling  cluster"  of  diamonds  scarcely 
more  lustrous  than  so  many  coffin-nails. 


"Four  Encourager  les  Autres." 

"A  GOVERNMENT,"  says  LORD  PALM_ER.STOX,  when  pressed  on  the 
subject  of  SIR  Jons  BOWRIXG,  "  must  support  its  subordinates." 
Admitted.  How  docs  LORD  PALMERSTOX  reconcile  this  doctrine  of 
his  with  the  way  in  which  SIR  JOHX  M'NziLL  and  COLOXEL  TULLOCU 
have  been  treated  ': 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. -MARCH  21.  1857. 


FROZEN-OUT    TEA-GARDENERS, 

As  Seen  at  the  Present  Time  about  Westminster. 


MARCH  21,  1857.] 


prXCII,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


117 


PUNCH'S    COMPLETE    TRADESMAN. 

No.  111. 

Mil.  I'.rnT.Ks,  I'liblican,  is  seated  in  his  little  parlour  f/ehiitd  the  har, 
ici'.li  MR.  CKADLK,  who  is  ffoirty  to  Australia. 


Mr.  Bitters  (raising  his  <ilax.i).  Weil,  Sir,  !  you,  and 


may  y  .  be  the  making  of  you. 

Mi-.  Ci-inlfe.  'Thanks,    mine   host,  and   in  (lie 


mean  time  may  you 
snail 


s, 

prosper,  as  Jfl  i'ital  porter  this  is.    I 

not  taste  anything  like  it  in  the  Ai 

.)//•.  Bitttn.  This  is  the  stufl',  just-  as  it  comes  onl  of  Mu.mursK, 
l|i>rei:i;,  \  Co.'s  brewery.  I  always  k<'c|i  a  small  cask  for  friends. 

Mr.  Oradtt.  Is  it  not  the  same,  that  jou  draw  for  those  people  at 
your  bar? 

Mr.  Hitter*.  I  should  rather  say  .  B  not  exactly  the  same. 

This,  wl  :'e,  drinking,  is  DM  :t  and  hops,  and  nothing 

ehe.  Our  wouldn't  be  as  not  to  give  a  discerning  public 

more  va 

Mr.  ('nulle.  Dear  me,  you  surprise  me. 

Mr.  Hitlers.  You're  riuht  to  go  to  Australia,  friend  CHADLE,  for  you 

rid. 

Mr.  Cradle.  I'erhaps  so,  perhaps  so.  ,  what  on  earth  is 

Mr.  Bitten.  A  tiling  that  goes  on  \vh 

Mr.  Cradle.  Very  funn\,  \cry  fiiniii.  Hut  seriously.  I  read  upon 
it,  "Hoet  s,  Brewer's  Dm- 

Mr.  Hitters.  And  \vh.\  slioiildn'i  a  man  ;  HI  ;  |  his  cart,  and 

his  trade  too.  Let  's  ask  the  man  himself.  Here  he  is,  coming  up 
from  the  cellar. 

'  Enter  Mil.  IIu. 

Mr.  Bitten.  Well,  friend  1I"<  i  s.  Sit  dov.it,  and  do  as  we  do. 
Another  tan;  r,  it  's  stuil'  that  you've  luid 

nothing  to  do  with. 

Mr.  Hums.  (v)nitc  sure  of  that?  Then,  service,  gents.  (Drinks.) 
All  !  That  's  the  si  nil'  to  stick  to  yottr  . 

Mr.  Bitters.  Ami  the  stulf  your  ribs  stick  to  —  you  should  see  MKS. 
BITTERS  at  ii  . 

Mr.  llui-HK.  How  's  i  he  new  baby? 

Mr.  Bitters.  Yes,  that  's  \\heiv  it  is.  Always  some  good  reason. 
Hut  CKAPUS'S  a  bachelor,  and  don't  understand  these  things,  lie 
wants  to  know  why  we  don't  draw  this  Mull'  at  the  bar. 

Mr.  lli-nts.  Yon  M  soon  be  drawing  your  schedule  if  you  did. 

Mr.  Criiil/c.  Is  it  possible?  Well,  no\\,  I  am  going  to  Australia,  and 
you  nia  lore  me,  without  hesitation. 

Mr.  Hit/I'm.  (Jive  him  a  wrinkle  or  two,  Hocus.  He  may  find  it 
useful  with  the  k 

Mr.llui-iis.  All  tiled?  Well  tin  in  must  know  that  tlii- 

porter,  here,  is  what  conies  from  the  I)IVV.<T,,  to  whom  our  friend's 
Louse  belongs,  and  who  put  him  in  here.  They  charge  him  so  much, 
of  course,  and  a  tidy  price,  too,  for  his  porter,  i  that  he  owes 

them  a  hea\y  debt,  and  thev  could  sell  him  up  in  a  jitfy,  if  he 
wasn't  ready  with  his  money  when  their  collector  came.  I  'm  speaking 
by  the  card,  friend  Hrn'Kits,  1  think? 

Mr.  Bitters.  Which  it  are,  Sir,  and  ptirceed. 


i/,-.  Hoem  CAI  DI.E— 

Mr.  C'raille  (>;,(,'  l      .OLE. 

Mr.  lliji-us.  Cume,  pretu  near  relations.      Well,  Sir.  i!  ' 

,ake  a  pro;  ild  up.     I': 

to  make  a  profit,  we  take  our  porter,  and  we  put  a  precious  lot  of  water 
into  it. 

Mr.  ('rattle.  Hut.  that  must  destroy  the  colour. 

Mr.  //«•/«.  liiirht.  Sir,  and  we  restore  that  colour  with  treacle. 

Mr.  Cradle.  Hi.1  *  destroy!' 

Mr.  II  in,  Sir,  and/we  restore  that  with  sugar  and  salt. 

Mr.  t 'rattle .    l>e 

Mr.  Jlw-nx.   \Vc  have  other  dodges,   Sir,  CM' 
of  iron,  in  the  DIM  of  stout,  is  added,  to  give  it  a  In  ;.d.   V 
things  for  impro1.  ing  the  taste,  thai 

fcet  ami  the  sugar  and  the  treacle'.     (I. 

Sir.     Capsicum  is  hoi.  Sir.      Mum  and  sulphuric  acid  \.  ,  Sir, 

and  while  i  ,  idycet  1  mav  addt  that  fur' 

broth,  we  add  liquorice,  salts  of  tartar,  and  tobacco. 
i  tpiuMi  i-  ;d-  o  occasionally  used. 

Mr  kill  what  proport  ion  the  wat  • 

Mr.  Jltietit.    Kiirht  gallons  to  a  barrel  is  about  your  maik.  i 

.llittt,rs.  Say  Ki'.'lit,  and  don't  forget  a  pound  or  nc. 

Mr.  Hocus.  There  is  another  article  i 
Mil.  t  The   regular   chemists  call  it  by  the  i' 

rht  poison,  for  which  reason 

s  avi'  •'!  it  "multnm." 

Mr.  Cradle.  With  all  this  assistance,  I  should  think  that  you'might 
sell  vour  beer  at  wholesale  price. 

Mr.  Bitters.  I  sell  B  price  as  the  brewers  sell  to  me.     Can 

I  say  fairer  than  that  ?    I  get  all  my  profit  out  of  the  dodges  friend 
described. 

Mr.  Crinlle.  Ah  !    Then  if  1  was  to  buy  at  the  brewery  door  instead 
.  T  your  bar.  >  ulf  at  the  same  price  that  I 

should  ;  <  'd  liquor  ? 

M,:  Bitters.   Yes,   Sir.     lint  if  MAI.THO:  i;ii,  &  Co.  were 

fools  enough  to  let  you  do  that,  instead  of  filtering  their  beer  through 
a  thousand  public  houses,  MK.  MALTHOt'SE  wouldn't  k 
racers,  .MR.  HOITKK  wouldn't  be  in  Parliament,  and  MR.  Co.  wouldn't 
nouses  in  .Hclgrave  Square.  You  arc  only  looking  at  the  porter 
cask,  Sir.  There  's  wheels  within  wheels.  Have  another  tankard,  and, 
BILL  (calls)  I  say  BILL,  just  shove  that  woman  into  the  street,  she  has 
spent  all  her  money,  and  she  is  disgracing  the  place  by  her  noise.  Out 
wit  h  her. 

Mr.  Cradle.  Poor  thing,  perhaps  multvm  don't  agree  with  her. 

Mr.  Hocus.  Perhaps  not,  so  she  '11  try  parvum  to-morrow.    Ha  !  ha ! 

Mr.  Cradle.  Adieu,  Gentlemen.  I  have  to  go  to  the  Docks.  Ithank 
you  for  your  information,  and  should  I  ever  return  to  England,  I  shall 
nope  to  see  a  system  established  which  permits  the  Brewer  to  prosper, 
without  making  the  Publican  a  rascal,  and  the  Public  a  victim. 


ADVICE  TO  OLD  WOMEN. 

(OF  BOTH  SEXES.) 

YOUR  money  will  never  be  safe,  Punch  declares, 

While  you  keep  with  it  parting  for  rotten  Bank  shares : 

It  more  safe  in  old  stockings  or  tea-pots  had  lain, 

Or  in  some  carpet-bag  or  box  marked  with  your  n 

Not  a  bubble  now  bursts,  not  a  bank  falls  to  ground, 

Hut  shows  how  directors  keep  robbing  around: 

Mow  the  company's  funds  to  their  own  use  they  take, 

Then  suspend  their  cash  payments,  and  scarce  themselves  make. 

nt  cases  in  point  clear  as  noonday  disclose, 
How  accounts  may  be  overdrawn  under  the  rose : 
While  the  manager  acts  as  a  sort  of  head  cook, 
And  keeps  the  thing  dark  in  his  own  "  little  book." 
Now  as  long  as  subscribers  are  found  for  the  soap, 
That  the  blowing  of  bubbles  will  cease  there's  no  hope  : 
So,  old  ladies,  be  warned,  such  investments  forsake, 
And  in  safety  your  cash  to  Threadneedle  Street  take. 


Estimates  that  very  much  Bequire  Reduction. 

MR.  W.  WILLIAMS'S  Estimate  of  his  own  arithmetic. 

MB.  GLADSTONE'S  Estimate  of  the  Budget  of  1853. 

Mn.  Ill  imniEY  Buows's  Estimate  of  the  force  of  impudence. 

MK.  NEWDEGATE'S  Estimate  of  the  patience  of  Parliament. 

SIR  JAMES  GRAHAM'S  Estimate  of  his  powers  of  Humbug. 

And,  Mn.  DISBAELI'S  Estimate  of  himself,  and  his  political  prospects. 


'  EUXDO.    MOttASDO   ET   BEDEUXDO. 


THE  Ex-Railway  King  declares  his  intention  of  again  standing  for 
Sunderland.     He  still  trusts  to  Protection — of  Members  from  an . 


118 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  21,  1857. 


A  FAST-DAY  AT  THE   MANSION  HOUSE. 

II !    Mu.  GLADSTONE.      What 
do  you  tliiiik  of  LORD  PAL- 

MKiisTo.s  and  lli'.ii  M  ur.s-n's 
Ministers  now  ?  Head  this : — 

"  LORD  PALMERSTON  and  HER 
MAJESTY'S  Ministers  yesterday  in 
timatud  their  acceptance  of  an  invi 
tation  from  the  KIOHT  HON.  THE 
I.OKD  MAYOR,  to  partake  of  a  ban 

Xiet  at  thi;  Mansion  House  on  Fri 
ly,  the  20th  instant.     Cards  have 
been  issued  to  Members  of  both 
Houses  of  Parliament  and  other 
distinguished  guests." 

There,  Sir ;  that  is  the  an 
nouncement  which  appeared 
the  other  day  in  the  Times, 
LORD  PALMERSTON  and  his 
colleagues  go  to  a  LORD 
MAYOR'S  feast  on  a  Friday, 

and  not  only  on  a  Friday,  but  a  Friday  in  Lent !  There  is  every 
reason  to  fear  that  they  will  not  stop  at  the  turtle — which,  in 
theology,  perhaps,  comes  under  the  name  of  Fish,  though  zoology 
calls  it  Reptile.  No  doubt  they  will  proceed  to  indulge  in  all  the 
delicacies  of  the  heretic  LORD  MAYOR'S  table,  and  the  Protestant 
season.  What  will  DR.  PUSEY  say?  MRS.  GRUNDY  may  not, 
perhaps,  have  any  very  particular  remark  to  make  on  a  subject 
with  regard  to  which  doctors  and  old  women  differ.  This  step  of 
ostentatiously  going  to  dine  at  the  Mansion-house  on  a  Lenten  Friday 
is  evidently  a  demonstration  on  the  PREMIER'S  part  quite  of  a  piece 
with  his  appointment  of  Low  Church  bishops,  which  rendered  the 
Budget  so  objectionable — didn't  it  ? — and  put  the  Government  so 
terribly  in  the  wrong  on  the  Chinese  question.  But  all  the  better  for 
you :  Catholic  Oxford  will  now  be  more  unanimous  than  ever  in  the 
determination  to  support  GLADSTONE  and  Romanesque  red  herrin; 
against  PALMERSTON  and  English  roast  beef. 


THE  SHOCKING  LANGUAGE  OF  THE  TURF. 

A  SPORTING  journalist  who  writes  under  the  name  of  "ARGUS," 
made,  the  other  day,  this  startling  statement  respecting  the  Liverpool 
steeplechase  : — 

"The  casualties  reported  were,  two  killed  and  four  slightly  wounded;  and  so 
ended  '  The  Great  Liverpool,'  which  has  created  more  interest  than  that  of  many 
years  past,  although  the  class  of  horses  and  riders  were  not  so  well  known  to  fame 
as  when  the  race  was  first  established." 

Whether  the  killed  and  wounded  were  horses  or  riders,"  ARGUS" 
omits  to  give  the  slightest  hint,  but  as  the  bipeds  engaged  in  steeple- 
chases do  occasionally  break  their  necks,  some  intimation  as  to  which 
he  meant,  would  not,  perhaps,  have  been  altogether  unnecessary. 
Some  readers  too  might  also  like  to  know  if  the  killed  and  wounded  in 
the  Liverpool  steeplechase  were  horses  or  asses. 


FABJEWELL  TO  THE  FAIR ! 


"  ABOLITION  or  GREENWICH  FAIR.— We  stop  the  press  to  announce,  on  the  most 
the  battle  is  now  won.  and  Greenwich  Fair  is  abolished." — 


reliable  authority,  that  th 
CrreemcicA  Free  Press. 


Richardson's  Ghost,  loquitur.  "O  now  for  ever 
Farewell  the  organ  grind !  farewell  the  tent 
Of  Crown  and  Anchor !  and  those  horrid  bores 
To  nervous  folk,  the  scratchbacks !    O  farewell, 
Farewell  the  dinning  gongs,  and  the  big  drums. 
The  speaking-trumpets,  and  th'  earpiercing  shrieks 
Of  kissers  in  the  ring !  farewell  all  fun, 
Lark,  row,  and  spreeishness  of  glorious  Greenwich  ! 
And  0  you  banjoed  Ingins,  whose  hoarse  throats 
The  railway  rattle  rudely  counterfeit, 
Farewell !    That  fellow's  occupation's  gone 
At  Greenwich  Fair  who  used  to  come  out  strong." 


A  Contradiction  in  Terms. 

WHO  is  to  be  the  new  Plenipotentiary  to  China?  Odd  as  it  may 
seem,  while  admitting  the  post  to  be  one  in  which  the  utmost  decision 
will  be  necessary,  we  should  prefer  for  tin's  duty  the  most  "  YEH-nay" 
style  of  man  that  can  be  found. 


MORE   CHEMICAL  THAN   COMICAL. 


LORD  DERBY  is  anxious  to  resemble  the  fiery  RUPERT  in  more  ways 
than  one.    Judging  by  the  rapid  fall  of  his  party  since  his  late  maii- 
,  he  seems  determined  to  invent  his  own  "RUPERT'S  drop." 


CEiivres, 


FASHION    AND    ITS    VICTIMS. 

\\\:  understand  that  the  upholsterers,  especially  at  the  "West  End, 
are  suffering  severely  from  the  Crinoline  contagion.  They  complain 
that,  in  consequence  of  the  increasing  width  of  ladies'  dresses,  drawing- 
rooms  have  now  to  be  only  half  furnished;  the  space  that  used  to  be 
available  for  loo  tables  and  cabinets  being  now  required  for  whalebone 
ribs  and  air-tubes.  They  anticipate,  indeed,  if  the  contagion  spread 
more  widely,  that  furniture  will  have  to  be  dispensed  with  altogether, 
simply  from  the  reason  that  there  will  be  no  room  for  it;  and  some  of 
the  alarmists  of  the  trade  are  so  assured  that  Crinoline  will  soon  be 
fatal  to  their  business  interests,  that  they  are  wearing  mourning  in 
expectancy  for  their  commercial  demise. 

We  cannot  wonder  at  the  panic  which  the  petticoats  are  causing, 
for  at  every  successive  evening  party  we  attend  we  find  our  chances 
of  a  seat  more  and  more  diminishing,  the  chairs  being  gradually 
displaced  by  the  flounces.  We  calculated  that  at  the  last  soiree  we 
did  duty  at  there  was  supplied  an  average  of  an  inch  and  three-sixteenths 
of  sitting  space  apiece;  and  even  standing  room  became  so  scarce 
that,  had  we  been  late  comers,  we  should  have  been  reduced  to  echo 
the  request  of  ARCHIMEDES,  and  perplex  the  footman  by  demanding 
Ad's  ^01  irov  or<2.  It  was  quite  needless  for  the  lady  of  the  house  to 
hope  that  would-be  early-goers  would  not  think  of  moving,  for  all 
were  so  completely  in  a  fix  that  it  was  impossible  for  any  laws  of 
motion  to  be  acted  on.  Everybody  was  so  jammed  up  by  the  air- 
jupons  and  wedged  in  with  the  widths  of  the  dresses  which  surrounded 
them,  that  all  the  travelled  stars  of  the  evening  became  fixed  ones,  and 
even  the  most  roving  of  Englishmen  found  himself  for  once  deprived  of 
locomotion  ;  for  such  was  the  sea  of  Crinoline  about  him,  that  lie  could 
not  stir  a  step  without  putting  his  foot  in  it. 


LATEST  FROM  AMERICA. 

THE  understanding  American  politics  is  of  course  out  of  the  question, 

and  we  should  despise  the  braggart  who  affected  to  comprehend  them. 

Jut  a  fact  is  a  fact,  and  we  therefore  extract  from  a  leading  article  in 

he  Aew  lork  Herald  its  very  latest  Summary  of  domestic  affairs  in 

he  States. 

"  THE  PRINCIPLE  or  RKGDLAR  NOMENCLATURE  HAS  RECEIVED  A  BLACK  EYK  FROM 

HE  BOGUS  DEMOCRACY  OF  THE  OYSTER  CELLARS." 

Without  pretending  to  the  faintest  comprehension  of  the  meaning  of 

us  statement,  we  publish  it  as  the  last  news  from  America.    What  is 

he  reason  why,  with  this  kind  of  slang  accepted  in  society  as  an  exposi- 

lon  of  the  politics  of  the  States,  our  American  relatives  keep  up  the 

nonsense  of  alleging  that  the  two  countries  speak  one  language  ? 

ABSTRACT  OP  THE  CHINA  DIVISION.— Canton  v.  Cantin'. 


MARCH  21,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR 


DON   CHARIVARI. 


119 


THE    MEMBERS'    EAELY    CLOSING    ASSOCIATION. 


\\  K  ;irc  delighted  to  Irani,  and  every  reader  of  the  newspaper  will 
feel  a  corresponding  thrill  of  joy  to  hear  from  us,  that  the  Early 
Closing  \i  fast  gaining  ground  in  Parliament,  and  1» 

long  will  receive,  full  !  i.     Of  this  we  an-  assured 

by  a  clairvoyant  gobcnioiichr,  who  pr  iliv  rough 

draft,  of  a  bill,  whicli  he  assumes  will  be  brought  forward  under 
Gove  ;;STON  lias  been 

relumed  for  England,  and  v.ill  be  entitled  "An  Aet  for  the  Shortening 
of  Speeches  in  I'arliainent,  and  for  tke  Early  Closing  of  the  Mouths  of 
the  longer  winded  Members."  Of  this  important  measure,  whir 
"time  is  money"  will  effect  so  immense  a  savins  to  the  nation,  that 
all  true  economists  must  certainly  support  it,  we  believe  that  we  shall 
break  no  confidence  by  giving  a  /</•• 

1'ui  VMKLE. — Whereas  it  is  expedient  that  means  should  be  adopted 
for  the  earlier  shut!  ing-up  of  certain  long-lunged  orators,  and  for 
affording  relief  to  the  '  -  of  debates,  and  facilitating 

the  progressive  course  of  useful  legislation : 

Ks  u  i  in  \ T. --!',  fore  Enacted,   that  within  five  minutes 

from  the  passing  of  this  Aft,  and  theneelVrt  h  throughout  this  and 
every  suc<  ii,n,  it  shall  not  be  lawful  for  any  Member,  either 

of  the  House  nf  Lords  or  Commons,  to  get  up  to  speak  when  he  has 
notln  •  precedent,  \\onhl  occupy  an  hour  or 

two  or  three  in  saying  it.  -Nor  shall  it  be  lawful  for  any  rising  bar- 
rister to  rise  more  than  sixteen  t  imes  in  any  sitting,  or  to  speak  for 
the  in  hearing  himself  speak,  or  to  hold  a  brief  from  the 

i;dk  against  time,  or  otherv, '  'MS  voice  in 

Parliament  for  professional  or  personally  advertising  purposes.  And 
the  Speaker  hereby  is  directed  to  call  to  order  an  r  who  may 

break  these  rules,  and,  generally,  to  cut  S!M  eh  in  which  at 

least  half  a  grain  of  sense  be  not  discernible  in  the  hearing,  however  it 
be  capable  of  polish  in  the  papers. 

PENALTY. — Any  Member  who  may  be  convicted  of  any  of  the  above 

offences  shall,  on  the  first,  receive  formal  warning,  and  on  the  second 

be  famished  to  BELLAMY'S  for  the  remainder  of  the  sitting:  a  ticket- 

<ve  being  granted  him  to  return  to  vote   in  the  event  of   a 

division. 

COMPENSATION. — In  cases  where  extenuating  circumstances  can  be 
reasonably  pleaded,  as  for  example,  where  the  offender  is  a  Scottish 
Qrievi  .pion,  or  a  Maynooth  Monomaniac,  the  House  shall  be 

at  liberty  to  sanction  that  he  be  allowed  the  compensation  of  a  private 
room  and  a  reporter,  to  whom  he  may  address  the  remainder  of  his 
speech,  and,  if  his  family  give  permission,  have  it  printed  in  extetuo  (at 
jus  own  expense,  of  course).  But  to  prevent  the  House  from  getting 
into  public  disrepute,  two  responsible  sureties  shall  in  each  such  case 
be  found,  as  guarantees  that  the  printing  shall  be  done  "  for  private 
circulation  only,"  and  that  no  attempt  shall  afterwards  be  made  to 
get  the  speech  inserted  in  any  of  the  newspapers,  even  by  paying  for 
the  cost  of  its  advertisement. 


THE  NEW  OIIACI.E.— That  which  speaks  from  the  tripod— of  which 
the  three  legs  are  DISRAELI,  GLADSTONE,  and  COBDEN. 


THE  C.KXKIIAL  ELECTION  SO-X'C. 
(To  the  Air  of  the  Bvgk-Song  in  '  The  Princess.') 

lin.i.s  irrcat  and  small,  on  each  dead  wall, 

With  hustings  pledges— old  in  story  ! 
The  :  -hakes,  the  voter  wal 

And  t!i>  "a  in  his  gl< 

Go,  i!  m— set  the  loose  shiners  ti\  ing  ; 

<iu,  members;  exit  session,  dying,  dying,  dyiii.,'. 

Oh,  hark !  oh,  hear  !    There  '&  gin  and  beer, 

In  boroughs,  counties,  freely  flowing; 
Oh,  sweet  and  far,  I'nnn  tap  and  bar, 

Each  his  own  trumpet's  blandly  blowing. 
Go — let  us  hear  the  country's  voice  replying — 
Go,  members — wind  up,  session,  dying,  dying,  dying. 

"  good  bye :  " 

Yet  men  will  still  for  :  <mr ; 

To  reach  that  goal  will  poll  and  poll, 

And  spend  for  ever  and  for  ever. 
(. io,  members,  go — set  the  loose  shiners  (lying ; 
And  exit,  sessiou,  exit — dying,  dying,  dying. 


THE  TEMPTATION  OF  A  VERY  BAD  JOKE. 

TJIK  Newspapers  give  a  curious  account  of  a  miserly  old  woman, 
whose  tattered  dress  was  fastened  up  with  between  2000  and  3000 
pins,  and  yet  tinder  whose  pillow  forty  sovereigns  were  found  at  her 
death.  We  hope  the  benevolent  reader  will  excuse  us,  if  for  once  we 
cannot  resist  the  temptation  of  saying  a  bad  thing,  with  the  full 
knowledge  that,  it  is  extremely  bad.  Well,  it  is  more  than  we  can 
possibly  lielp  to  avoid  remarking  that,  the  habits  of  that  eccentric  old 
lady,  as  above  detailed,  only  give  us  another  melancholy  verification  of 
the  homely  precept,  "Take"  care  of  the  pins,  and  the  pounds  will 
take  care  of  themselves."  There,  we  have  said  it,  and  are  now  duly 
penitent  for  the  enormity  of  our  offence. 


The  Premier  and  the  Palate. 

THE  celebrity  of  the  noble  PREMIER  has  occasioned  his  name  to  be 
taken  for  the  denomination  of  a  new  condiment,  advertised  as  the 
"PALMEBSTON  SAUCE,"  suitable  "for  fish,  flesh,  fowl,  &c.  &c."  This 
is  a  sphere  of  fitness  about  as  extensive  as  can  well  be  imagined ;  for  a 
relish  which  is  good  not  only  for  fish,  flesh,  and  fowl,  but  also  for  "  &c. 
&c.,"  must  be  equal  in  universality  to  salt,  and  superior  to  pepper.  It 
must  be  adapted  to  all  manner  of  tilings  except  apples  and  a  few  others. 
MR.  GOLDEN  and  MR.  DISRAELI  should  try  PALMERSTON'S  Sauce,  and 
not  have  the  presumption  to  offer  him  any  more  of  their  own. 


The  Nemesis  of  the  Coalition. 

RARELY  has  justice  followed  so  closely  on  the  track  of  crime. 
Scarcely  is  the  Ministry  turned  out  than  SPOONER  rises  to  announce 
his  intention  of  bringing  forward  again  this  year,  if  he  is  re-elected, 
the  Maynooth  Grant !  There,  we  think  the  Tones  and  the  Peelites 
have  caught  it  nicely  with  a  vengeance !  However,  they  have  brought 
t  he  punishment  down  upon  their  own  guilty  heads,  and  we  do  not  pity 
them  one  fourpcnny  bit.  They  must  abide  now  by  the  frightful  con- 
sequences, though  you  may  be  sure  the  traitors  little  expected  so  severe 
a  retribution.  PALMERSTON  is  avenged! 


POLITICAL   PERSONALITY. 


TIIE  noble  Lord,  the  present  Member  for  London — as  MR.  Dus- 
COJCBE  would  say — is  understood  to  be  particularly  disgusted  with  the 
PREMIER  for  calling  MH.COBDEN'S  majority  against  the  Government  a 
fortuitous  concourse  of  a 


PROTECTION   RUN  MAD. 


THE  cry  of  "  Protection  to  British  Industry "  being  no  longer  pos- 
sible, the  DERBIITES  and  DISHAELITES  will  go  to  the  country."  with 
the  cry  of  "Protection  to  Chinese  Insolence." 


A  QUESTION. — On  the  re-election  of  any  of  the  Chinese  members, 
will  they  be  required  to  take  the  usual  form  of  oath,  or  like  their 
brethren  at  Canton,  will  they  merely  break  a  saucer  y 


IMPORTANT  TRUISM. — Depend  upon  it  that  every  "advocate  of  & 
Maine  Law  drinks  like  a  fish. 


120 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  21,  1857. 


STRONG    CHINESE    LANGUAGE. 

WHEN  peace  shall  have  been  re-established  with  China,  it  will  be  worth  the  while  of  an 
enterprising  manager  to  engage  a  Mandarin  or  Governor  of  the  flowery  land  to  write 
burlesques  for  translation  and  representation  at  his  theatre.  What  is  there  in  liombastes 
Furioso  to  beat  this  ? 

"  Let  every  inhabitant  of  China  who  shall  meet  an  Englishman  inflict  on  him  the  fate  he  merits.  Already  do 
our  innumerable  fleets  and  mighty  armies,  which  are  dreaded  by  the  whole  world,  advance  to  drive  them 
away.  Let  everybody  unite  with  that  army — let  every  one  take  part  in  the  war,  and  teach  foreigners  to 
tremble  before  the  will  and  before  the  auger  of  our  Sovereign,  whose  ga/e  is  as  burning  as  the  rays  of  the  sun, 
and  whoso  power  is  immeasurable. 

"  He  who  shall  not  act  iu  conformity  with  these  orders  shall  be  considered  a  traitor,  and  may  expect 
from  us  a  chastisement  as  prompt  as  terrible. 

"  You  hear  !    Obey. 

"  THE  MANDARIN  GOVERNOR  Tcjivs-Too." 

"  Done  at  Whampoa,  the  Oth  day  of  the  12th  Moon." 

The  Moon,  indeed,  under  whose  influence  MR.  TcnYN-Too  appears  to  have  composed  his 
proclamation,  must,  one  would  think,  have  been  exactly  at  the  full  just  then.  The  state  of 
the  Chinese  mind,  evinced  by  such  ravings  as  the  above,  is  further  perhaps  indicated  by 
the  fashion  of  keeping  the  head  shaved,  for  which  the  natives  of  China  are  remarkable. 
However,  these  outpourings  of  frenzy  would  tell  admirably  in  a  mock  tragedy,  or  the 
introduction  to  a  pantomime.  A  great  point  might  be  made  of  the  gaze  of  the  Emperor, 
asserted  by  TciiYN-Too  to  be  burning  as  the  rays  of  the  sun.  An  Englishman  might  be 
represented  as  lighting  his  cigar  from  the  Imperial  countenance  by  means  of  a  convex 
lens,  and  of  course  having  summarily  inflicted  upon  him  the  fate  he  merited  by  taking 
that  liberty— immediate  decapitation. 


KAMPANT   ANGLO-KUSSIANISM. 

AMONG  the  curiosities  of  literature  which  have  been  added  recently  to  those  which  the 
elder  D'!SRAELI  found  and  made  a  note  of,  we  see  a  work  has  just  been  published  called 
England  and  Russia  Natural  Allies,  which,  as  its  title  page  might  lead  one  to  suppose, 
contains  so  many  statements  of  a  jocular  description,  that  we  feel  inclined  almost  to  offer  to 
the  writer  an  engagement  for  some  permanence  upon  our  literary  staff.  ^  As  a  sample  of  the 
way  in  which  he  outjokes  JOSEPH  MILLER,  we  extract  the  following : — 

"  It  is  a  wise  policy  of  the-Russian  Government  not  to  promote  the  increase  of  the  middle  class  beyond 
certain  limits,  which  would  endanger  the  present  happy  state  of  the  country,  and  undermine  the  basis  of  her 
wealth,  power  and  greatness,  namely,  the  servitude  of  the  peasantry." 

t<  That  one  may  properly  appreciate  the  exquisite  facetiousness  of  thus"  speaking  of  the 
"present  happy  state  of  the  country,"  one  need  but  read  the  revelations  about  Russia  Felix 
which  are  being  published  now  in  Household  Words  •  the  evidence  there  given  as  to  the  feli- 
cities enjoyed  by  Russian  subjects,  being  in  corroboration  of  the  many  statements  to  the 
same  effect  which  other  travellers  have  made  us.  But  sparkling  as  it  is,  the  joke  is  quite 
ecbpscd  by  that  with  which  another  of  the  writer's  pages  is  illuminated,  where,  to  prove  the 
naturalness. of  an  alliance  between  Englishmen  ana  Russians,  he  states  that  Nature  has 
endowed  their  aristocracy  with  such  marks  of  resemblance  as  clearly  indicate  that  she 
intended  them  to  live  as  one  united  happy  family. 

"  In  their  personal  appearance  the  flower,  both  of  the  English  and  Russian  aristocracy  present  the 
virulent  sensualism  of  the  ox,  beautified  by  all  the  graces  of  humanity." 

The  humour  of  this  notion  is  not  a  little  heightened  by  its  metaphorical  confusion— the 
assertion  beinsr  made  that  in  the  "flower"  of  the  nations  there  may  be  discerned  a  purely 
animal  resemblance.  There  might  perhaps  be  some  propriety  in  finding  in  JOHN  BULL  some 
traces  of  the  ox,  but  the  only  way  in  which  we  could  discover  any  bovine  features  in  the 
flower  of  our  aristocracy  would  be  to  find  that  some  of  them  had  oxllips.  We  do  not  think 
however  that  the  tracing  of  a  likeness  between  them  and  the  Russians  can  be  accepted  as  a 


compliment  to  the  lords  of  our  creation,  even 
though,  to  mollify  the  statement,  it  be  said  that 
they  alike  are  "  beautified  by  all  the  graces  of 
humanity."  Indeed  we  are  quite  of  opinion  that 
.Inn x  HULL  would  trample  most  indignantly  on 
any  flowers  of  speech  by  which  his  name  might 
stand  in  danger  of  being  altered  to  JOHN  BULLO- 
VITCII. 

A  PASSING  TOLL. 

TOLL  for  the  grave  ! 

M.P.'s  that  are  no  more ! 
All  sunk,  the  "tips"  they  gave, 

Wiped  out,  each  ale-house  score  t 
Six  hundred  looking  grave, 

And  sixty-four  beside, 
Who  for  the  Public  weal, 

May  never  more  divide. 
JOHN  BOWIIING  raised  the  cloud, 

And  PAM  was  overset, 
Down  went  the  Commons  House, 

Each  to  contest  his  scat ! 

Toll  for  the  brave ! 

Brave  SHAW  LEFEVRE'S  gone  ; 
His  last  night's  work  is  wrought, 

His  last  division  done. 
Throughout  six  sessions'  battles, 

Serene  he  eyed  the  clock ; 
He  played  no  factious  trick, 

Ran  on  no  partv  rock. 
All  join  to  weave  his  wreath, 

All  join  liis  praise  to  pen, 
Now  SHAW  LEFEVRE  's  gone, 

May  we  find  his  like  again ''. 

The  election-writs  fill  up, 

PAM  to  the  country  goes  ! 
Let 's  pledge  him  iu  the  cup 

Of  tea  brewed  by  his  foes. 
His  credit  yet  is  sound, 

And  he  will  rule  again, 
Though  angry  GLADSTONE  thunder, 

And  DIZZY  sneer  and  strain ; 
But  SHAW  LEFEVRE  's  gone, 

His  speakership  is  o'er: 
And  he,  and  this  six  hundred 

And  fifty,  sit  no  more  ! 


NUTS  AND  WINE. 
An'advertisement  offers  the  British  Public 

TTNADULTERATED  WINES.— The  "Nutty" 
»-<   Sherry,  3C».     Cash. 

The  nutty  sherry  may  be  a  very  pleasant 
beverage ;  but  what  is  a  nutty  sherry  ?  Can  any 
sort  of  sherry  be  prepared  from  Spanish  nuts  ? 
For  our  own  drinking  we  should  prefer  a  wine  of 
the  same  nature  as  that  which  lago  represents 
Desdemofia  as  accustomed  to  imbibe.  That 
worthy,  in  reference  to  the  young  lady  in  ques- 
tion, reminds  his  friend  Roderigo  that  "  the  wine 
she  drinks  is  made  of  grapes."  We  would 
rather  drink  a  grape  wine  than  a  natty  wine. 
Nevertheless,  we  have  no  objection  to  nuts  in 
combination  with  wine,  upon  the  understanding 
that  we  are  to  eat  the  former,  and  drink  the 
latter.  

Coffee-House  Characteristics. 

LET  an  Englishman  and  a  Frenchman  enter 
a  coffee-  house  at  the  same  time ;  the  former  will 
walk  urj  to  the  fire-place,  and  the  latter  will  stop 
at  the  first  mirror.  The  Englishman  lifts  up  his 
coat-tails,  and  warms  his  huge  body,  whilst  the 
Frenchman,  with  equal  warmth,  suns  himself  in 
the  looking-glass. 


THE  CHINESE  DIVISION.— We  would  sooner 
have  been  with  PALMEUSTOX  on  the  Canton 
Minority  than  have  been,  like  GLADSTONE,  one 
of  the  Cantin'  Majority ! 


J'riated  byTTilli.m  Hi«<!hi,ry,  of  No. 
Printer*,  at  their  Office  ' 
London.— SATI'KDAY,  Mt 


WobomPl.ee,  >nd  Frenfriek  Mullet  Ev.n.,  ot  No.  14.  Qiura'i  Ro«d  We.t.  Regent'.  P»rk,  both  in  the 

°f  L°°">»'.  «•"  l-ubh.hed  b/,hem  .,  ft..  85  ™l«t 


of  St    Pan<r»« 
in  the  V3 


in  the  Countr 
oi  St.  %8? 


of  Hldilleiea, 
n  the  Cltjr  ol 


'    MARCH  28,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


121 


DERBY'S  THREE  SERVING  MKN. 

("  WKm  Arthur  first  in  Court  teyan.") 

Wirex  DERBY  last  on  place  1. 

To  cast  a  longing  eye, 
He  entertained  three  serving 

And  all  of  them  were — sly. 

The  first  lie  was  a  Jesuit, 
The  second  a  Charlatan, 
The  third  he  was  n  Peacemonger, 

And  all  for  the  DERBY  ran. 

The  Jesuit  he  loved  splitting  hairs, 

The  Charlatan  ,-ui  apt  rap  ; 
I'.ui  the  Peacemonger  loved  downright  cast, 

Adroitly  mixed  with  clap-trap. 

The  Jesuit's  splitting  his  hairs  in  vain, 

In  vain  docs  the  Charlatan  rail, 
And  the  Peacemoiigcr  hates  to  lie  ji.kcd  uii  t  h' 

But— liis  cant's  uncommonly  stale. 


OFFENDED    DIGNITY. 

Small  Boy  (to  Ex-Cool;  u-ho  has  come  about  a  placi).  "  Is  THERE  A  FOOTMAN 
WHY  o'  COURSE  THERK  is— I  'si  THE  FOOTMAN  ! " 


KEP? 


SCOTCH  LAW  AND  SUNDAY. 

IT  is  not  true  that  every  one  of  the  minor  Sroleli  judges 
is  a  Sabbatarian  hypocrite.  Mi;.  .loii\  M  M  I.M  ;:ix,  the 
Sheriff  Substitute  of  Argyllshire,  bas  shown  himself  capable, 
in  a  Sunday  case,  of  pronouncing  a  judgment  unbiassed  by 
fanaticism.  This  learned  gentleman,  according  to  the 
Daily  Scotsman,  has  delivered  "an  interlocutor  and  note" 
in  actions  of  damages,  brought  by  two  Glasgow  spirit 
dealers,  travellers  by  the  Emperor  steamer  on  a  Sunday, 
against  two  hotel-keepers  in  Dunoon,  for  refusing  them 
admittance  to  their  hotels  on  that  day,  "  in  consequence, 
as  the  innkeepers  stated,  of  their  being  ordered  by  the 
local  justices  to  refuse  admittance  to  all  travellers  by  the 
Emperor  steamer  on  Sunday,  under  pain  of  losing  their 
licence."  MR.MACLAURIN'S  sentence  awarded  the  plaintiffs 
£1  damages  and  expenses.  It  now  remains  for  the  defend- 
ants to  bring  their  action  against  the  local  justices  in 
consequence  of  whose  tyrannical  menaces  they  have  been 
subjected  to  pecuniary  loss,  for  which,  MR.  MAC  i 
will  no  doubt  decide,  they  ought  to  be  indemnified  by  those 
stupid  and  sanctimonious  fellows. 


A  LAWYER  OUT   OF   HIS  DEPTH. 

BLUEBOOKS  about  education  are  occasionally  published,  containing 
some  curious  answers  to  questions  concerning  biblical  matters,  on  the 
part  of  parochial  children.  The  catechumens  return  BARABBAS  as  an 
Apostle,  for  instance,  or  confound  ADAM  with  ALEXANDER  THE 
COPPERSMITH.  An  example  of  erudition  on  this  class  of  subjects, 
closely  parallel  to  those  afforded  by  the  juveniles  in  question,  was 
exhibited  the  other  day  in  the  Appeal  Court  of  Chancery.  In  the 
course  of  the  case,  STOURTON  v.  STOURTON,  according  to  the  Times 
report — 

"  MR.  BAOSHAWE,  SEN.,  in  reply,  denied  that  the  Roman  Catholic  Church  did  not 
permit  the  unrestricted  use  of  the  Word  of  God  in  its  authorised  version  ;  for,  on 
the  contrary,  it  permitted  the  reading  of  such  parts  of  the  Old  Testament  as  it  con- 
sidered fit  for  perusal,  that  Church,  however,  holding  that  there  were  parts  of  the 
Old  Testament,  and  therein  agreeing  with  ST.  PAUL,  which  were  hard  to  be 
understood." 

If  the  learned  gentleman  had  known  what  he  was  talking  about,  he 
would,  in  the  foregoing  statement,  have  been  chargeable  with  robbing 
PETEB,  to  give  to  PAUL,  and  not  only  that,  but  with  charging  other 
parties  on  behalf  of  PAUL,  with  what  PETER  had  put  down  to  PAUL'S 
account.  But  he  must  be  acquitted  of  any  wilful  partiality  to  PAUL  or 
injustice  to  PETEB,  since  it  is  quite  clear  that  his  acquaintance  with 
them,  and  with  that  branch  of  knowledge  which  includes  such  acquaint- 
ance, is  in  inverse  ratio  to  his  professional  learning.  On  such  a 
subject  a  lawyer  may  well  get  out  of  his  depth— perhaps  he  is  out  of 
his  element. 


Distinction   without   a  Difference. 

BROWN  says  he  doesn't  like  too  many  barristers  in  Parliament. 
JONES  avers  that  he  objects  to  a  superabundance  of  solicitors.  And 
ROBINSON  philosophically  asks,  what  is  the  difference  between  barrister 
and  solicitor?  Merely  the  difference  between  a  crocodile  and  an 
alligator. 


A  TROUBLESOME  MAJORITY. 

WITH  all  their  protestations  about  having  been  compelled  to  vote 
according  to  their  consciences,  we  doubt  much  if  the  members  of  the 
Coalition — we  beg  pardon,  we  should  say  Fortuitous  Concurrence — 
would  not  have  somehow  smothered  those  their  "  still  small  voices," 
had  they  known  what  a  trouble  their  majority  would  be  to  them. 
Never  was  a  victory  more  dearly  purchased  j  in  fact,  to  many  of  the 
conquering  heroes,  it  will  prove  considerably  more  harassing  than  a 
defeat.  This  is  clear  from  the  apologising  tone  of  their  Election 
Addresses,  and  the  nervous  way  in  which  they  seem  endeavouring  to 
frame  excuses  for  their  conduct.  The  oldest  and  the  boldest  of  them 
hardly  dare  as  yet  to  glory  in  their  triumph:  and  instead  of  being 
proud  of  it,  the  most  of  them  would  fain  shirk  the  subject  altogether, 
and  there  is  scarcely  one  in  twenty  who  does  not  seem  to  be  asnamed 
of  it. 

In  fact,  the  Tea-Party  just  now  are  in  somewhat  the  position  of  the 
man  who  held  the  bottle  imp ;  and,  haying  their  majority,  they  don't 
know  what  on  earth  to  do  with  it.  Like  Frankenstein,  they  find  that 
they  have  made  a  Monster,  which  they  don't  know  how  to  manage ; 
and  the  chances  are,  we  think,  that  as  far  as  their  electioneering  pros- 
pects are  concerned,  it  will  most  likely  be  the  death  of  them. 


How  Extremes  Meet. 

THERE  is  a  great  difference  in  the  way  (we  mean,  the  street)  that 
different  countrymen,  when  they  do  differ,  fight.  If  it  is  an  Englishman, 
before  beginning,  he  will  tuck  up  his  sleeves ;  but  if  it  is  a  Frenchman 
—mind  you  notice  him  well,  the  next  time— he  turns  up  his  trousers  ! 
As  Paddy  would  say,  the  arms  of  a  Frenchman  are  in  his  feet. 


THE  POLITICAL  TOXOFHILITE.— MR.  COBDEN  cannot,  perhaps,  be 
accused  of  shooting  with  the  long  bow ;  but  he  has  certainly  taken  a 
shot  (though  he  has  missed  his  mark)  at  the  Government  with  an  Arrow. 


VOL.   XXXII. 


122 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


N- 


I  ; 


[MARCH  28,  1857. 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

ARCH  16.  Monday.  The  young 
Eels  now  begin  to  ascend  the 
rivers,  and  the  old  eels — the 
Parliamentary  congers — are 
busily  wriggling  towards  the 
hustings.  Fructification  of 
Beardless  Moss  takes  place, 
by  a  curious  coincidence  with 
the  date  at  which,  by  order 
from  the  Palace,  Crimean 
beards  fall  from  the  faces  of 
officers  coming  to  levees.  The 
Elm  also  is  about  to  flower, 
a  happy  omen  for  the  pilot 
at  the  'elm  of  state.  The 
Leaves  of  the  Elder  should 
now  open,  and  if  those  of 
the  younger  should  now  shut, 
they  might  hold  better  books 
when  Blink  Bonny  comes 
round  Tattcnham  Corner. 
Such  are  the  signs  of  the 
times.  Another  sign  was  a 
diverting  address,  delivered 
this  evening  by  the  EARL  OP 
DERBY  (in  performance  of 
his  threat)  upon  the  subject 
of  the  Dissolution.  It  was 

really  a  very  amusing  speech,  and  the  goodnatured  abuse  of  LORD 
PALM  nusioy,  which  was  incessantly  thrown  in  to  please  LORD 
DERBY'S  adherents,  could  not  have  annoyed  the  Bottleholder  in 
the  least.  The  Earl  had  got  over  all  his  anger  and  wrath,  and  only 
wanted  to  finish  the  session  with  a  Shine.  His  tone  was  like  that 
of  a  consoling  mother  who  beats  the  wicked  floor  for  hurting 
the  stupid  child  that  fell  down.  The  only  point  he  made  was  the 
fixing  the  title  of  "appendages"  upon  the  colleagues  of  LORD 
PALMERSTON  ;  and,  by  implication,  upon  MR.  DISRAELI  and  the  rest  of 
the  DERBY  tail.  LORD  GRAXVILLE  answered  him  so  smartly,  that  poor 
silly  M.ALMi:si;rKY  got  into  a  rage,  and  talked  about  the  dignity  of 
debate,  which  was  pretty  good,  considering  that  his  leader  had  been 
telling  all  sorts  of  anecdotes,  good  and  Dad,  and  comparing  LORD 
PALMERSTON  to  the  little  old  woman  whose  petticoats  were  cut  off  at 
her  knee  by  the  wandering  pedlar.  LOUD  HAKDWICKE  also  spoke 
rather  unwisely,  as  usual,  and  was  incensed  that  after  LORD  DERBY 
had  declared  that  there  was  no  Coalition  between  himself  and  the  other 
China  men,  am  body  should  dare  to  think  that  the  atoms  had  not  come 
together  in  the  lobby  quite  fortuitously.  On  the  whole,  the  grand 
Derbyite  demonstrafen  helped  the  evening  through  pleasantly,  and 
there  were  several  ladies  present. 

A  good  many  of  the  Commons  went  to  the  Lords  to  have  a  laugh. 
The  others  did  next  to  nothing  beyond  advancing  the  Mutiny  bills,  and 
went  away  very  early. 

Tuesday.  Some  of  the  Lords  pelted  each  other  with  interpellations 
about  the  Chinese  affair,  rather,  apparently,  for  the  sake  of  saying 
something,  and  keeping  the  House  together  for  an  hour  or  so,  than 
because  anybody  wanted  to  know  anything.  Aimless  questions  re- 
ceived pointless  answers,  some  bills  were  advanced,  and  then  came  a 
little  more  Chinese  snarling,  especially  by  Mandarin  GREY,  and  then 
an  adjournment,  at  half-past  six. 

The  Commons  had  lisen  an  hour  earlier,  having  had  from  SIR  G.  C. 
LEWIS  an  explanat  ion  of  the  treaties  with  Denmark  as  to  the  Sound 
dues,  the  point  of  which,  so  far  as  English  people  are  concerned,  is, 
that  the  S9imd  is  to  be  opened  on  the  first  of  April,  and  compensation 
is  to  be  paid  to  Denmark  in  three  months  from  the  passing  an  act  for 
the  purpose.  The  ATTORNEY.GENERAL  expressed  his  regret  that  the 
lissolution  would  prevent  his  introducing  a  bill  for  punishing  the  de- 
jnquents  in  the  case  of  the  British  Bank,  a  regret  which  MR.  HUM- 
PHREY BROW.V,  Mil.  JOHN-  MACGREGOR,  and  some  other  gentlemen 
must  equally  shore.  MR.  DISRAELI  inquired  whether  LORD  PALMEH- 
iTON,  at  the  time  the  demonstration  against  Naples  had  been  made 
nad  offered  to  France  that  England  should  suppress  any  republican 
Movement  in  Italy.  Of  course  LORD  PALMEKSTON  was  enabled,  by 
;he  virtue  of  words,  to  answer  in  the  negative ;  but  some  people'  say 
,hat  the  EMPEROR  OP  THE  FBENCH  made  it  a  stipulation  that  the 
ticking  BOMBA  should  -not  involve  the  kicking  over  the  sulphurous 
hrone. 

Wednesday.  The  Lords  sat  on  a  day  they  seldom  honour  so  far. 

Iney  rattled  through  fourteen  bills  in  half-an-hour,  but  only  one  of 

hem  will,  in  all  probability  ever  be  heard  of  by  the  world  at  large  and 

hat  only  by  its  results,  the  Enfranchisement  of  Niuepence  Act  which 

was  passed. 

In  the  Commons,  MR.  SHAW  LEFEVRE  expressed  his  thanks  for  his 
pension,  to  which  Mr.  Punch  is  most  happy  to  assure  him  that  he  is 


most  heartilv  welcome.  The  Government  proposes  to  abolish  the  Irish 
tax  called  Minister's  Money  (a  sort  of  church  rate),  and  to  pay  the 
amount  out  of  the  Ecclesiastical  Commission  Fund,  a  highly  objection- 
able course,  inasmuch  as  it  withdraws  another  grievance  from  I  lie 
repertoire  of  Hibernian  patriots.  SIR  B.  HALL  demands  a  little  more 
time  for  finishing  the  Pimlico  Improvements,  and  as  this  Chief  Com- 
missioner of  Works  and  Buildings  is  attending  to  all  his  business  in  a 
practical,  non-rcdtapey,  English  gentlemanly  manner,  he  may  most 
properly  be  left  to  manage  it  his  own  way.  SIR  BENJAMIN  should 
have  included,  in  his  new  bill,  a  clause  enabling  him  to  put  down  the 
street  Yelling  in  Pimlico,  as  until  this  is  done,  no  person  with  ordinary 
nerves  will  remain  there  longer  than  he  is  compelled  by  the  lease  he 
took  when  unaware  of  that  hideous  nuisance. 

Thursday.  The  Lords'  sitting  was  devoted  to  a  pleasant  discussion  upon 
Art  and  Nature,  the  former  as  illustrated  in  the  paintings  of  T  i 
and  the  latter  in  the  C9nduct  of  the  Chancery  lawyers,  who  have  at 
once  insulted  the  painter  and  defrauded  the  public.  LORD  ST. 
LEONARDS  raised  the  question,  and  talked  about  aerial  effects  ami 
purity  of  colour,  in  a  way  people  would  hardly  have  expected  from  the 
author  of  SUGDEN  On  Powers.  He  also  showed  up  the  whole  technical 
history  of  the  cases,  and  being  about  the  first  Chancery  lawyer  in  t  !>:• 
kingdom,  his  statement  carried  a  weight  which  would  not  attach  to 
the  pleading  of  any  of  the  place-hunting  barristers  who  get  up  grievances 
in  the  Commons  in  order  to  make  speeches.  There  is  this  to  bi 
however,  namely,  that  TURNER'S  natural  repugnance  to  an  attorney 
carried  him  too  far.  He  should  have  let  a  lawyer  prepare  his  will.  It 
is  necessary  to  employ  this  kind  of  instrument  sometimes.  A  cork- 
screw is  an  ugly  and  a  sneaking  instrument,  but  a  sensible  pra< 
man  will  use  it  to  draw  a  cork,  and — but  the  application  of  the  illus- 
tration is  evident.  LORD  LANSDOWNE  pointed  this  out,  and  added 
that  he  thought  the  best  had  been  done,  under  the  circumstances,  and 
that  Government  intended  to  carry  out  TURNER'S  wishes  as  far  as 
possible.  The  Commons  abstained  from  meeting  to-day  and  on  Friday, 
and  most  of  them  remained  at  home,  cooking  up  election  speeches. 

Friday.  LORD  CRANWORTH  availed  himself  of  one  more  opportunity 
of  showing  his  helplessness,  by  a  speech  to  prove  that  there  was  no 
means  of  preventing  the  indiscriminate  sale  of  poisons.  LORD  ELLEN- 
BOROUGH  delivered  a  long  attack  upon  the  Government,  which  I 
PALMERSTOX  answered,  a  little  later,  at  the  LORD  MAYOR'S  dinner- 
table.  As  this  post-prandial  address  was  part  of  the  political  business 
of  the  session,  Mr.  Punch  will  mention  that  PALMERSTON  spoke  out 
manfully,  vindicated  those  who  have  stood  by  the  British  Flag  in 
China,  declared  that  the  country  was  with  him,  that  he  was  for  ]» 
in  combination  with  honour,  but  that  if  peace  was  wanted  by  means  of 
humiliation  and  degradation,  the  country  must  look  for  other  men 
than  himself  to  govern  it.  Mr.  Punch  was  in  such  an  ecstasy  of 
admiration  at  this  speech  that  he  could  not  help  emptying  the  Lo 
Cup  all  over  the  Prussian  Ambassador,  who  sat  next  him,  and  to  whom 
he  hereby  apologises.  In  the  Lords,  EARL  GRANVILLE  answered  the 
Elephant,  and  then  came  to  the  dinner,  and  made  another  smart 
speech.  The  only  noticeable  thing  ELLENBOROUGH  uttered  was  his 
quotation  of  a  quotation  by  LORD  WELLESLEY,  touching  a  radical, 
who,  he  said,  in  Tartara  iendit,  language  which  one  might  c-- 
from  a  drunken  coal-heaver,  but  in  which  a  statesman  should  scarcely 
indicate  the  post-mortem  lot  of  a  political  antagonist. 

Saturday.  The  Houses  met  for  the  last  time.  The  Lords  were  per- 
fectly calm,  inasmuch  as  our  inestimable  constitution  renders  a  Lord 
independent  of  Queens,  or  hustings,  or  any  other  expulsive  power, 
save  that  of  the  Grim  Serjeant  who  arrested  the  Prince  of  Denmark. 
Many  of  the  Commons,  however,  entertained,  or  were  entertained  by 
feelings  of  a  very  different  description,  and  the  clash  of  the  Gates 
of  the  Happy  Valley  behind  Prince  liasselas  was  a  cheerful  sound 
compared  to  that  which  many  of  our  representatives  must  ' 
heard  in  the  sentences  read  by  LORD  CRANWORTH.  He  had  not  much 
to  sav,  beyond  stating  that  the  dissolution  was  to  be  immediate,  that 
the  QUEEN  was  much  obliged  for  the  money  that  had  been  voted,  and 
was  glad  to  have  reduced  the  Income-Tax.  In  HER  MAJESTY'S  pi- 
that  the  constituencies  may  choose  Wise  Patriots  for  the  new  Parlia- 
ment everybody  must  join ;  but  it  will  he  a  considerable  step  in  advance 
if  the  electors  will  only  get  rid  of  a  number  of  Foolish  Factionisl 
result  which  Air.  Punch  has  done  his  best  to  promote.  LORD  EVERSLEY 
of  Hcckfield,  previously  known  as  MJI.  SHAW  LEPEVRE,  took  leave  of 
the  Commons,  and,  while  3lr.  Punch  writes, — 

ENGLAND    IS    WITHOUT    A    PARIIAMENT. 


TAR  AND  FEATHERS. 

THERE  was,  according  to  the  fable,  a  certain  Jack'daw,  who  once 
upon  a  time  decorated  himself  with  peacock's  feathers.  The  EMPEROR 
OF  CHINA  will  perhaps  confer  the  same  decoration— the  Chinese  badge 
of  merit — on  certain  talkative  members  of  the  Houses  of  Parliament. 
t  Ins  Imperial  Majesty  will  supply  the  feathers,  the  British  public 
will  find  the  necessary  tar. 


MARCH  28,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


123 


THE    PRINCESS'S    SPECTACLE. 

K  following  paragraphs,  ar. 
cidentaU;  omitted  at  the 
end  of  the  notice 
Richard  II. ,  which  \vrrc 
supplied  to  some  of  our 
contemporaries,  have  been 
bint  to  us  f'di-  insertion: — 
"And  as  completeness  in 
every  department 
essential,  in  Mi;.  KUAN'S 
opinion,  to  all  success,  he 
lias  paid  the  utmost  attcll- 
tion  in  l lie  mode  in  which 
the  bills  of  the  theatre  are 
printed.  The  paper  is,  \ve 
believe,  entirely  II;. 
from  old  folio  editions  of 
1he  History  of£xfftu, 
the  ink  is  from  u  receipt 
discovered  iu  a  'chapel' 
(whence  1hc  printing-office 
is  so  railed  i  in  Westn. 
Abbey,  There  is  not  a 
misprint  throughout,  the 
small  capitals  are  most 
judiciously  inserted,  while 
the  infusion  of  italics  leaves 
'  nothing  to  be  desired.  An 
ordinary  printer's  lad  was 
i  uployed  to  carry  t  he  proof  bills  t  o  and  from  the  theatre,  but  a  blue- 
I'oy,  in  his  picturesque  mediava]  costume,  was  retained  for  that 
m  of  ;lic(io\-ernorof  Christ's  Hospital. 

dso  add  that  the  boxkeepers  have  been  carefully  drilled,  and 

that  t  hey  open  and  close  1  he  doors  wit  h  t  he  most  preternatural  quietness, 

which  adds  to  the  imposingly  historical  effect  of  the  performance.     The 

•ctrrof  the  rerreslimcnts  provided  for  Consumption  during  \hc >'>/(/•' 

if/f,  has  also  been  studiously  attended  to,  and  the  bottles  of  imperial 

il  "  hippoerass,"  in  old  English  letters,  form  quite 

ut.  The  cloak-room  lias  been  furnished  with 

new  pegs  from  MESSRS.  JACKSON  and  GRAHAM'S,  and  (lie  slip  of  mat- 
ting down  the  principal  staircase  has  been  supplied   from  another 
•iiited  establishment.     Let  us  add  that  in  MB.  KHAN'S  sedulous 
for  the  comfort  of  his  auditory,  all  the  policemen  selected  for 
duly  are  members  of  the_  Church  of  England,  while  the  estimable  and 
uplished  linkman    is    a    distinguished  Anabaptist.      In    short, 
nothing  has  been  omitted  which  it  is  possible  to  mention  towards 
ing  the  exulting  enthusiasm  of  a  frantic  audience." 
\_Anyfurther  puff  can  be  admitted  only  as  an  advertisement,  or  as 
a  Letter  from  a  "  Lover  of  Art." 


CHINESE  ELECTION  SONG. 

AIR — "  Come  let  us  all  a  Maying  yo." 

K  let  us  all  a  YEH-ing  go, 
And  vote  for  COBDEN,  Dis,  and  Co. 
Higli  and  low, 
Let  us  go ! 

Come,  let  us  all  a  YEH-ing  go, 
And  so  procure  PAM'S  overthrow. 

Then  SIR  JOHN  BOWRING 
Shall  peccavi  sing : 

And  SEYMOUH  be 

Recalled  from  sea : 

Our  fleet  retreat ;  though  Punch  say  Nay, 
JOHN  BULL  shall  do  koutou  to  YEU  ! 


A  Losing  Article. 

PATERFAMILIAS  calculates  that,  during  the  course  of  Ms  long 
existence,  he  must  have  lent,  or  missed,  or  lost,  or  had  borrowed  or 
stolen,  noi  less  than  500  umbrellas!  Experience  has  taught  him  now, 


DESTRUCTION  OF  LIFE  IN  CHINA. 

A  CHINKM.  baker,  i  Bed  A i.i.f\r.  poisoned  the  bread 

foreigners  at   Hong-Kong.     Katsbane  was  kneaded 
in  the  morning  roll,  and  the  eru>  K  BOWKING,  very  much  to 

his  o\'.  discovered  that  he  really  hail  bowels.    However, 

though  I  he  i  ;it  consternation,  much  suffering,  death  did  not 

ensue.      All  who  nad  eaten  of  the,  bread,   though  much  enfeebled, 

aid  that --no  death  ensued. 

And  now  mark  the  ruthless  spirit  of  rr\enge  operating  in  the  coun- 
cils of  a   British  Government  !     Of  a  (,'liri  i,  the 
baker,  with  three  accompli:                   cized,  and  though  it  is  very  pro- 
that   each  of   the   poor  men   had  a  wife,  or  wives;  a  family,  or 
-     for  everj    (  Hunan                                           the    four  men  were 
'Hilled  to   death  and  shot!     The  poor  creatures,  altogether 
rant,  of  our  laus,  irresmnsililc,  as  we  contend   by  their  very  iiiL-ciiuuus- 
to  a   r.ritish   tribunal,  are  taken  out  and  shot:  we  will   not  at 
;t  use  stronger  language,  but  will  simply  say — shot! 
Can  we  expect  that,  as  a  people,  any  future  blessings  will  fall  upon 
the  Koyal  Marines;  a  MBeetabli                   "Lrh  in  their  way,  but  when 
convened  into  agents  of  death,  and  their  victims,  I  lie  simple  Chi:.< 
the  (!•                   of  generations  who  n-                                     our  Dniidi- 
cal  forefathers  could  only  obtain  light    by  the  attrition  of  dried   sticks 
— when  perverted,  we  will  say,  into  ministers  of  vengeance, — made  a 

HI  not  a  credit  to  us  as  a  nation? 

However,  it  is  very  refreshing  to  learn,  that  there  arc  some  com- 
passionate spirits  who  1  uneiii   the  fate  of  the  fallen.     A  subscription 
has,  therefore,  been  entered  into  to  erect  a  lilting  monument  at  Hong- 
Ivong  to  the  nnfoitunate   AI.I.I  M   and  his 
suitable  iuscripi  ion  has  been  promised.!)}'  a  distinguished  bishop  in  the 

ilicst  English. 

It  is  expected  that  the  Chinc-c  Members  of  both  Houses  of  farlia- 
meut  will  appear  ourning.     "We  know  it  may  be  cavilled, 

thai    Ai.t.i'M    and  intended    to    commit   wl 

murder.     But  to  this  we  make  answer,  <•».  1  men  to  be  judged 

according  to  their  lights  ?     Was  it  given  to  these  poor  im 
the  subtleties  of  a  GLADSTONE,  or  to  read  the  leaders  of  the  Monday 
Herald  ? 


THE  ALDERMAN'S  OWN  BOOK. 

A  BOOK  has  been  ;  largely  advertised  of  late,  under  the  interesting 
title  of  Corpulency,  professing  to  give  directions  for  the  self-cure 
of  that  deformity,  by  means  of  a  peculiar  system  of  diet.  We  pre- 
sume that  the  peculiarity  of  this  dietetic  system  consists  in  affording 
satisfaction  to  the  cravings,  and  at  the  same  time  effecting  a  diminu- 
tion of  the  protuberance,  of  the  stomach.  The  method  of  reducing 
corpulence  by  eating  and  drinking  very  much  less  than  the  appetite 
desires,  has  long  been  known  to  almost  everybody,  but,  on  account  of 
its  unpleasantness  is  practised  by  hardly  anybody.  That  proposed  in  the 
book  m  question  must  have  the  recommendation  of  rendering  self-cure 
practicable  without  self-denial.  Probably  the  volume  sells  largely;  but 
not  much  over  the  counter.  Its  sale,  doubtless,  takes  place  chiefly  by 
post,  the  price  being  transmitted  and  received  in  postage  stamps. 
What  fat  man — not  to  say  what  stout  lady — would  like  to  walk  into  a 
bookseller's  shop,  and  ask  for  a  treatise  on  corpulencv  ?  The  object 
of  the  inquiry  would  be  obvious !  The  shopman  would  be  so  sureito 
swallow  a  laugh,  if  not  to  smother  it  by  clapping  his  hand  on  his 
mouth  !  The  only  manner  of  purchasing  the  book,  in  person,  with  any 
degree  of  face,  would  be  for  the  customer  fairly  to  disarm  ridicule  by 
tapping  his  stomach  and  simply'saying,  " MOORE'S  book ;"  since  the 
author  is  a  MR.  A.  W.  MOORE,  and  the  gesture  would  be  sufficient  to 
indicate  which  MR.  MOORE  was  meant,  and  what  work  by  a  MR. 
MOORE  [was  wanted.  It,  would  quite  preclude  any  such  mistake  as 
that  of  handing  Lalla  Rookh  to  the  plethoric  party,  or  presenting  him 
with  the  Irish  Melodies.  To  pretend] to  make  that  mistake,  however, 
could  the  pretence  be  supported  with  sullicicut  gravity,  would  be  a 
very  politic  artifice  on  the  part  of  the  bibliopole  who  might  be  desirous 
of  seeing  his  nattered  customer  again. 


The  Cabinet  and  the  Caddy. 

IT  has  been  said  that  LORD  PALJIERSTON  wanted  to  pick  a  quarrel 
with  China.  But  if,  as  must  be  admitted,  the  noble  Viscount  Knows 
better  than  to  quarrel  with  his  bread-and-butter,  is  it  likely  that  he 


havin-r  charged  rather  dearly  for  her  500  lessons  never  to  buy,  as  long   would  be  disposed  to  quwrel  with  his  tea? 

lives,  another  umbrella  !    He  classifies  umbrellas  under  the  head 
of  those  articles  of  which  no  one  ever  knows  the  profit,  much  less  the 

rpttirn.  /  * 


PARLIAMENTARY   PLANTS. 


THE  Maynooth  Grant  is  brought  forward  invariably  every  twelvc- 
WATCHES  THAT  WANT  HEPAIRIXG.— SIB  ROBERT  PEEL  should  not   month.    We  hope,  as  we  love  fair  play,  that  MK.  HARDY  will  not  lie 
bo  so  hard  on  SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER— as  a  Peeler,  it  is  Ins  duty  to   re-elected,  or  else  we  shall  be  having  the  New  Beer  Bill  exhibited  also, 
protect  an  Old  Charley,  who  is  compelled  to  give  way  to  him.  \  regularly  once  a  year,  as  a  "  HARDY  Annual." 


—  >tf 

PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


IS    SMOKING    INJURIOUS? 

Youttfvl Swell.  "HAW!    LOOK  HME!    Is  THAT  CHEST  OF  CIGARS  YOU  IMPORTED  FOE  ME  RIPE  YET?" 

Cigar  Healer.  "WELL,  SIR— I  FEAR  KOT— THAT  is,  NOT  KIPE  FOB,  YOUR  TASTE,  SIR,  FOR  AT  LEAST  THREE  WEEKS;  BUT  WE  CAN 

SPARE   YOU  A   COUPLE  OF  THOUSAND   OF   THESE   GlANT   REGALIAS   TO   GO   ON  WITH,    TILL  THE   WEATHER  IS   MILDER,   WHEN   YOUR   ClGARS 

WILL  MELLOW  RAPIDLY  !  "  \Yonth  accepts  the  generous  offer,  and  lounges  out  with  a  Giant  Regalia  as  Kg  as  h^s  leg  m  his  mouth. 


THE  LIKES  OF  LOUD  DERBY. 

THE  Noble'Lord  the  EARL  OF  DERBY  lias,  like  many'qther  person- 
ages connected  with  the  turf,  more  than  one  name.  He  is  called  the 
"  HOTSPUR  of  Debate,"  and  the  "  RUPERT  of  Debate."  Neither  alias 
is  at  all  suitable  to  his  Lordship.  The  original  HOTSPUR  had  an  impedi- 
ment in  his  speech.  Lady  Percy,  speaking  of  her  deceased  husband,  says: 

"  And  speaking  thick,  which  Nature  made  his  blemish, 
Became  the  accents  of  the  valiant." 

The  HOTSPUR  of  Debate,  therefore,  would  be  an  orator  who  spoke 
"without  proper  intervals  of  articulation,"  as  DR.  JOHNSON  defines  the 
word  "  thick"  in  the  passage  above  quoted  from  SHAKSPEARE.  LORD 
DERBY  is  remarkable  for  fluency,  not  for  stuttering  and  stammering. 
There  is  no  more  analogy  between  PRINCE  RUPERT  the  leader  of  the 
Cavaliers,  and  EARL  DERBY  the  leader  of  the  Opposition,  than 
there  is  between  the  noble  Earl  and  the  TIPTON  SLASHER.  RUPERT'S 
chivalry  was  chivalrous  in  the  high  sense  of  the  word;  DERBY'S  is 
simply  an  etymological  chivalry,  a  chivalry  of  the  mere  c/ieval — of  the 
horse  horsy,  or  ossy  in  the  language  of  the  stable-minded.  The 
CHIFFNEY  of  Debate  would  be  an  appropriate  denomination  for  the 
turfite  Peer,  were  it  not  that  his  Lordship  is  not  often  the  winner  of 
the  political  sweepstakes ;  and  perhaps,  after  all,  the  most  correct 
title  that  could  be  added  to  his  hereditary  one  would  be  /'  The  JOHN 
GILPIN  of  Debate ; "  for  the  eloquence  of  the  noble  lord  is  apt,  to  run 
away  with  him.  

The  Triple  Alliance. 

CONSIDERING  the  respective  principles  of  DISRAELI,  GLADSTONE, 
and  COBDEN,  it  must  be  difficult  to  find  a  name  elastic  enough  to  cover 
this  very  expansive  party  when  they  go  to  the  country.  We  beg  to  offer 
them  one— fi  The  Small  Tea  Party." 


THE  PRINCESS  ROYAL  AT  WESTMINSTER. 

THIS  is  too  bad.  Why  mix.  tender  affairs  of  the  heart  with  the 
unreasoning  brawl  of  the  hustings?  We  protest  against  any  such 
amalgamation.  Therefore,  why,  in  Westminster,  did  MR.  STUART,  an 
elector,  "  want  to  know  if  GENERAL  EVANS  would  allow  £70,000  to  be 
voted  on  the  marriage  of  the  PRINCESS  ROYAL  ? "  To  this  question 
the  gallant  General  made  the  following  ungallant  reply— "he  would 
not  lend  a  hand  to  anything  of  the  sort."  Poor  little  princess !  it  is 
rather  too  bad  that  the  marriage  orange-flowers  should  be  thus  mingled 
with  the  turnip-tops  of  Covent-Garden ;  nevertheless,  we  cannot  but 
express  a  fear  that  the  marriage-portion  of  the  PRINCESS  ROYAL, 
unless  it  be  pitched  originally  very  low,  will  be  roughly  handled  by  a 
new  Parliament.  We  have  heard  of  pigs  among  the  roses ;  and  can 
only  hope  that  the  rough  radicals  will  treat  with  tenderness  the 
hymeneal  wreath  of  the  little  PRINCESS  ROYAL.  It  is  at  present 
reported  in  Lambeth  that,  should  MR.  W.  WILLIAMS  be  returned,  it 
is  his  intention  to  move,  as  an  amendment,  an  income  of  £500  a-year  to 
the  happy  pair,  with  a  bran  new  tea-service  in  German  silver. 


"A  Good  Cry." 

ONE  has  heard  of  NIOBE,  and  one  has  also  heard  modern  NIOBES 
(in  Crinoline)  assert  that  they  "  have  cried  all  night,"  and  one  has 
hard-heartedly  attached  similar  credit  to  the  classic  and  to  the  modern 
fiction.  But  the  following  extract  from  a  London  paper,  of  last  week, 
proves  that  crime,  at  least,  is  sometimes  marvellously  penitent.  A 
longer  flux  of  tears  than  is  here  recorded  has  seldom  taken  place.  At 
the  close  of  a  Police  case,  it  is  said — 

"  MR.  INOHAM  completely  exonerated  the  pawnbroker  from  blame,  and  remanded 
the  prisoner,  who  cried  bitterly,  for  a  week." 


o 

*=J 

H 

tt 
M 

O 


tjd 
o 

W 
l> 

CO 


MARCH  28,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


127 


THE  BOMBARDIER  OF  WINDSOR. 

FEW  of  our  readers,  perhaps,  arc  aware  of  the  warlike  character  of 
the  Corporation  of  Windsor.  That  civic  body  llM  quite  the  military 
cast  of  a  medieval  municipality.  The  peaceful  gown  may  constitute 


NEWS    OF    THE    EASELS. 

(From  the  Observer.) 

TIIK  approaching  Exhibition  of  the  K"i  M.   \(  \M:MY  promises  to  be 


V.  tiai     Ul    (6    IHi;Ul.ti:  »  (U     III  UlUll  JJGUll  J  •  A  lt\J     I'V-  H».L  »  "•*     Ow  *  I*  i  '''11 

the  habitual  attire  of  its  members,  but  can,  on  occasion,  be  exchanged   an  exce.  .1  it  will 


till;    IltlUH  U.ll    C.IL11LU    \JL      ILD    lllCUlUdOj     WUJU    WCMJj    «»*    w%,vy**-'i 

for  t  lie  nuns  andjacooutrementsof  war  by  these  stout  burghers.    They 
have  in  their  pay  an  artillery  corps,  ami,  according  to  a  contemporary, 
k,  on  the  birthday  of  HKK  ROY  u.  HlOHHMS  THE  I'KI.NCESS 
\,  after  the  customary  bell-ringing, — 

"  At  noon  a  royal  snlute  was  flrod  from  tho  corporation  ordnance,  by  tho  town 
bombardier,  in  Ifucholor'a  Acre." 

A  line  s\ibject  for  a  picture  in  the  old  "Finnish  style,  one  fancies, 
would  be  ail'orded  by  the  Town  Bombardier  of  Windsor.  To  the  eye  of 
imagination  he  presents  the  idea  of  a  man  height  and  frame; 

;m  idea  Mit,"-'^!  nl  by  the  fact  that  his  sole  strength  w:is  employed  on 
the  management  and  firing  of  the  corporation  ordnance.  We  arc  not 
informed  that  he  was  assisted  by  any  subordinate  artillerymen;  and 
hence,  indccd,'we  arc  led  to  question  whether  lie  has  any,  and  whether, 
being  a  host,  in  himself,  he  does  not  comprehend  in  his  own  person,  the 
win  ile  artillery  corps  of  Windsor.'  The  office  of  tin  iierof 

U'iriNor  must  be,  in  one  sense,  a  sinecure,  for  although  he  is  employed 
in  tiring  birthday  silutes  pretty  frequently,  L' 
If  the  Corporation  of  Windsor  could  spare 

a  time,  that,  tremendous  artilleryman  might  be  sent  out  to  China,  in 
I  hat  he  might  astonish  the  natives  of  Canton  by  bombarding 
that  town — if  there  is  any  of  it  remaining  to  be  bombarded. 


pretty  frequently,  he  :  ••:  to  bombard. 

l  of  \VindsorcouldsparetheirTownBombardierfor 


tion  we   do 
whereof  the 


FASHIONABLE  EECEIPTS. 

HE    vocabulary  of  Flunkeydom   has 
be<  uriched  with   a    new 

slang  expression.    The  reporters  of 
high  jinks  in  hi«h  life  have  taken 
their  readers  that  this 
or  that  lady  of  quality  "  received  " 
on    snch    and    such    an    evening. 
Heretofore,   it    was    customary  to 
bo    the    superior    classes  as 
giving  evening  or  other  parties ;  but 
now  they  are  said  to  receive  in  exer- 
cising hospitality.     In   fact,  giving 
a  party  is  giving  a  receipt.     It  does 
not  appear  that  the  party  spvcn  in 
receiving  is  a  new  style  of  thing, 
being  otherwise  called  by  the  old 
names   of    assembly,   reunion,  and 
soiree.     Whether  a   dancing-tea  is 
denominated  a  receiving,  or  reccp- 
not   know.    One  would  think  that  an  entertainment, 
giver  receives,  would  be  somewhat  in  the  way  of  a 


concert  or  a  dramatic  performance,  to  which  visitors  got  admitted  by 
tickets  or  money  taken  at  the  doors.  This  last  development  in  the 
tlunkeyistic  dialect  may  appear  open  to  some  objection  as  an  ill  phrase, 
for  those  who  continually  hear  that  anybody  has  been  receiving  cannot 
help  being  reminded  of  the  old  saying,  that  the  receiver  is  as  bad  as 
the  thief.  

A  Satirical  Senior. 

ONE  of  those  old  gentlemen  whose  age  is  supposed  to  entitle  them 
to  say  anything,  made  the  following  extremely  rude  and  personal 
remark  to  a  young  officer  in  a  distinguished  regiment  about  to  proceed 
to  China.  Well,  Sir,  well;  you're  going  to  Canton,  eh.  Sir  ?  well,  I 
can.  only  say,  I  hope  you  won't  fall  into  the  hands  of  the  Chinamen, 
alive  or  dead;  for  if  you're  alive,  they'll  kill  you,  and  if  you're  dead, 


Ity  of  the  by  the  an 

Instead  of  having  recourse,  as  hitherto,  to  the.-  been 

arc    by    hundreds    of    pn  ;  ,    we    are 

delighted  to  learn  that   many  of  the  intending  ej  ••<*e  looked 

for  themselves  intu   Knglish  and  other  Hi' 

entirely  fresh  topics  for  illustration.     MR.  STI  i.i.s,  we  hear,  lias  em- 
(I  his   masterly  pencil  in  delineating   a    seme  from  an  old  but 
admirable  poem  of  the  time  of  Cuu.  <>,  in  which  the. 

birth  and  tall  of  rents  are  g>  iceful 

little  i  L  friend  ofthe  celebrated  DB.  ;•  lining  the 

adventures  of  an  amiable  count  r..  n  and  his  interesting  family, 

supplies  to  Mil.  ,e   think   :  nth's 

sisters  attiring  him  for  a  fair)  which  will  y  his 

v.hilc  MH.  I'.I.IK.I  noble  traditions 

of  his  country,  lias  lighted  upon  n  gi.  -ode  in  our 

early  historv,  when,   accordms  to  mortal 

remains  of  the  Sovereign  who  died  in  the  fatal  combat  which  gave  the 
throuc  to  the  ambitious  Norman  Conqueror,  v  pon  the 

battle  field,  by  a  female  prompted  to  the  search  bytli. 
sentiments.  A  poem  of  the  last  century,  detailing  iln  s  of  the 

:  K.  \\'r.Ki!i.K  with  a  charming  subject— 

bathing,  receives  a  letter  from  her  lover,  stating  that  he  is  on  the  IOOK 
out  to  prevent  her  being  disturbed,  and  she  writes  in  reply,  expressing 
her  gratitude ;  a  happy  idea,  full  of  delicacy,  at  least  in  the  csi 
of  our  grandmothers.  An  original  anecdote  from  early  English  history 
has  been  brought  to  light  by  MR.  L&THEKTUBBXX,  who  represents 
the  celebrated  monarch  by  whom  we  were  delivered  from  Danish  sway 
superintending!  or  rather  neglecting,  humble  culinary  duty  in  the 
cottage  of  an  Hat  herd  (or  peasant),  whose  wife  had  given  him  shelter. 
Nor  has  foreign  literature  r>een  a  sealed  book  to  the  artists,  and  while 
the  romantic  annals  of  Spain  have  been  ransacked  to  supply  to 
MK.  YI  of  an  enthusiastic  and  chivalrous  Knight- 

errant  who  mistook  a  windmill  for  a  giant,  and  of  his  LABLACiiE-like 
squire,  a  quaint  and  singular  compound  of  knavcrv  and  simplicity, 
the  satiric  drama  of  our  lively  neighbours  (the  French)  lias  fur- 
nished MR.  POGRAM  with  the  idea  of  a  ludicrous  tradesman,  who 
attempts  to  acquire  accomplishments,  and  is  astonished  to  find  that  he 
has  been  speaking  prose  all  his  life  without  knowing  it.  The  reproach, 
unjustly  cast,  upon  our  artists,  that  they  are  unacquainted  with  the 
classical  writings  will  this  year  be  triumphant  ly  met,  for  both  HOMER  and 
VIBGIL  afford  subjects  to  painters,  the  Scian  bard  having  suggested  to 
Ma.  MADGEOWLET  the  childish  fear  of  the  youthful  ANTINOUS  at  the 
helmet  and  plumes  of  his  father  ACHILLES,  when  the  latter  takes  leave 
of  his  consort  HELEN  ;  and  the  Mantuan  swan  having  afforded  to  Ma. 
DE  STOHTER  the  opportunity  of  delineating  the  Carthaginian  Queen 
listening  to  the  recitals  of  the  hero  of  Troy.  We  must  not  omit  to 
add,  that  the  too  much  neglected  drama  of  our  own  country  has  been 
ransacked,  not  without  success,  by  MR.  BIDDYBOY  and  MR.  BONASSUS. 
and  that  the  former  has  made  choice  of  .1  most  interesting,  yet  withal 
most  difficult,  subject  from  the  works  of  the  Swan  of  Avon,  where  an 
aged  but  petulant  monarch  is  driven  out  of  doors  by  his  ungrateful 
offspring,  while  t  he  ot  her  has  nobly  advocated  the  cause  of  our  oppressed 
Jewish  fellow-subjects  by  a  masterly  delineation  of  an  Italian  Hebrew, 
who  is  giving  admirable  counsel  to  an  unthrifty  daughter.  We  look 
forward,  tin  rel'ore,  with  great  interest  to  the  opening  of  an  exhibition 
where  not  only  the  pictorial  talent,  but  the  gallant  ventures  of  our 
artists  in  fresh  fields  and  pastures  new  are  to  be  judged,  but  we  have 
no  fear  for  the  result — Spero  meliora. 


or  when  \ou  're  dead,  they'll  eat  you. 
fact  that  the  Chinese  eat  puppies'." 


11    Mil     JPWU*    CUIM    11      *un      11      id   i  MI, 

Sir,  I  believe  it  "s  an  undoubted 


SICK  COWS  OP  LONDON. 


THE  Lancet  tells  us  that  an  epidemic  rages  among  the  cows  of 
London.  A  non-medical  opinion  inclines  to  consider  the  disease  the 
dropsy,  contracted  by  the  cows  from  an  immoderate  use  of  the  pump. 


WE  learn,  with  great  gratification,  that  the  EAHL  OP  DERBY,  with 
that  earnest  feeling  for  religion  and  the  well-being  of  the  Church  of 


England  that  has  ever  characterised  him,  has  refused  to  allow  any  of 
his  lordship's  horses  to  be  entered  for  anv  Steeple-chase  in  which  the 


Five  Heads  to  One  Unmanageable  Body. 

WE  think  the  principal  insurgents  who  have  headed  the  Chinese 
Revolution  (at  home)  will  not,  for  any  very  great  length  of  time,  agree 
amongst  themselves.  You  will  see  that  GLADSTONE,  RUSSELL, 
ROEBUCK,  DISRAELI,  and  COBDEN,  will  soon  be  quarrelling  as  to  who 
shall  be  ''first-chop." 


ORANGEMEN   OF   THE   OPPOSITION. 

THERE  were  always  a  certain  number  of  Orangemen  in  LORD 
DERBY'S  party,  but  they  were  Irish  Orangemen.  They  are  now  to  be 
looked  upon  in  the  light  of  China-Orangemen. 


YANKEE   NOTION   OP   ALLUM. 

__..__  IT  is  the  decided  opinion  of  all  the  American  residents  at  Hong 

Church,  used  as  a  post,  is  not  in  the  hands  of  a  clergyman  of  sound   Kong,  that  MK.  ALLUM,  the  baker,  who  poisoned  the  bread,  is,  or  was 
principles. — Standard.  <  before  he  was  shot,  the  greatest  loafer  in  existence. 


128 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  28,  1857. 


A  PILL  FOR  THE  MEDICAL  PROFESSION. 

PUNCH,  —  ANOTHER  Medi- 
cal Bill  is  about  to  be 
brought  into  the  House  of 
Commons  by  MR.  HEA  i  >  i . \  M 
— having,  of  course,  for  its 
principal  objects,  the  sup- 
pression of  quackery,  am  I 
the  protection  of  the  public 
from  unqualified  practi- 
tioners. If  it  is  likely  to 
answer  these  purposes,  I 
hope  you  will  request  LORD 
PALMERSTON  to  support  it. 
The  consequence  will  be  that 
the  sale  of  patent  medicines 
will  be  prohibited,  and  drug- 
gists prevented  from  prac- 
tising across  the  counter. 

"Any  Medical  Bill  that 
does  not  ensure  the  prohi- 
bition of  patent  medicine- 
vending,  and  the  prevention 
of  druggists'  counter-prac- 
tice, will  have  the  effect  of 
protecting,  against  charla- 
tans and  unqualified  prac- 
titioners, the  health  and 
pockets  of  the  superior  and  educated  classes  only— who  are  able  to 
protect  themselves.  It  will  still  leave  the  poor  and  ignorant  to  pre- 
scribe quack  remedies  for  their  own  complaints,  in  equal  ignorance  ot 
the  nature  of  the  former  and  of  the  ktter,  or  to  get  themselves 
physicked  by  anybody  who  may  have  set  up  a  druggist  s  shop  and  may 
know  no  more  of  medicine  than  his  pestle  does. 

"  A  secondary  object  of  the  Bill,  I  presume,  will  be  the  advantage  of 
the  Medical  Profession  itself.  To  this  end,  no  doubt,  it  will  contain  a 
registration  clause,  whereby  a  fee  of  a  certain  amount  will  be  fixed  for 
registration.  Now,  the  amount  of  this  fee  must  be  proportioned  to 
the  amount  of  good  which  may  be  expected  from  registration  by  the 
poor  doctors  on  whom  it  is  to  ))e  imposed.  Appraised  by  that  rale,  it 
would  come  to  about  one  shilling,  if  more  than  that  is  demanded,  I 
trust  that  you  will  use  your  influence  with  the  PREMIER  to  get  the 
bill,  or  at  least,  the  clause  of  it  in  question,  rejected.  In  a  former  Bill 
it  was  proposed  to  fine  every  existing  practitioner  ten  pounds  tor 
registration,  otherwise,  for  permission  to  pursue  the  practice  of  that 
profession  which  has  already  C9st  all  who  have  entered  it  so  much,  and 
remunerated  most  of  them  so  little.  If  we  are  all  to  be  fined  at  that 
rate,  or  anything  like  it,  I  know  a  professional  gentleman  who  will 
have  to  sell  his  tortoise,  his  alligator  stuffed,  and  all  his  other  skins, 
whether  of  fishes,  reptiles,  or  mammalia ;  whose  beggarly  account  of 
empty  boxes  will  then  be  more  beggarly  than  ever,  and  who  will  be 
placed  under  circumstances  of  the  strongest  temptation  to  sell  strych- 
nine, arsenic,  and  prussic  acid  on  the  sly  without  asking  questions. 
That  professional  gentleman,  Sir,  is 

"  Your  humble  Sen-ant, 

"  GALEN  BONES," 

"  M.R.C.S.  L.A.C." 

"  P.S.  After  all,  Sir,  would  it  not,  perhaps,  be  as  well  if  the  Medical 
Profession  were  left  to  take  care  ot  itself,  and  if,  as  in  most  other 
matters  of  competition,  we  were  simply  to  go  the  whole  hog  of  Free 
Trade  in  physic?" 

About  the  Size  of  It. 

DEPRECATING  with  much  vehemence  the  charge  of  factious  Coalition, 
MR.  COBDEN'S  Small  Tea-Party  appear  resigned  to  hear  their  com- 
bination talked  of  as  a  "  Concourse  of  Atoms ; "  and  considering  the 
smallness  of  the  good  which  it  has  done  them,  we  think  that  their 
majority  may  be  fairly  viewed  as  an  atomic  one. 


SOME  CONSOLATION  AT  LEAST. 

_  THE  Government,  with  the  high  sense  of  liberality  that  usually  dis- 
tinguishes its  patronage  of  the  Fine  Arts,  declines  to  purchase  the 
"  SOTJLAOE  Collection."  Never  mind ;  let  us  console  ourselves  with 
the  "NIGHTINGALE  Fund,"  for,  after  all,  that  is  the  real  " Soitlage 
collection." 

THE  FIELD  OF  LITERATURE. — Of  all  fields  the  Field  of  Literature 
is  the  one  that  has  the  greatest  number  of  Styles  to  it. 


A  FAIR  BUTT  FOR  RIDICULE.— An  old  woman  in  hoops. 


MARY    ANN'S    NOTIONS. 

"  MY  DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, 

"  I  SHALL  write  you  an  exceedingly  short  letter  to-day, 
because  I  know  that  at  this  moment  there  is  no  getting  any  of  you  to 
attend  to  anything  except  your  politics,  but  when  you  are  a  little  sober 
after  your  electioneering  excitement,  I  shall  have  a  good  deal  to  say 
upon  several  things. 

"  But  I  cannot  restrain  myself  from  saying  a  few  words  about  some- 
thing which  I  have  read  this  week,  and  which  is  much  too  sad  and 
grave  a  thing  to  be  made  fun  of,  and  indeed  I  should  not  write  to  you 
about  it  at  aU,  only  I  know  that  you  very  often  mean  seriousness  when 
you  talk  levity.  I  mean  that  poor  dear  heroic  woman  who  died  in  the 
fire  on  Tuesday.  Talk  of  soldiers,  yes,  I  allow  that  they  do  very 
gallant  things,  and  I  have  seen  men's  cheeks  flush,  and  their  eyes 
sparkle,  when  they  have  been  reading  out  aloud  of  some  brave  charge 
or  rush  into  a  breach.  But  then  consider.  They  are  drilled  and  trained 
to  the  work,  they  are  led  on  by  officers  whom  they  trust,  they  have 
music  that  stirs  them  up  to  maddening  pitch,  and  they  have  honour 
and  glory  before  them— and  above  all,  they  are  Men.  But  here  was  a 
poor  woman,  a  young  mother  with  a  baby,  her  husband  far  away,  her 
house  in  the  middle  of  the  night  is  wrapped  in  flames,  and  that  poor 
thing,  springing  from  her  bed,  and  in  all  the  terror  and  agony  of  the 
hour,  does  something  which  to  my  mind  is  more  heroic  than  the  bravest 
deed  that  a  soldier  ever  performed  since  men  began  to  murder  one 
another.  I  would  rather  copy  the  description  out  of  the  paper  than 
trust  myself  to  write  it.  The  poor  thing  was  the  second  wife  of  a  per- 
son named  RAYNER,  lie  is  a  commercial  traveller,  and  she  was  doing 
business  as  a  milliner  near  Camberwell  Gate.  He  had  four  children  by 
the  first  wife,  the  eldest  only  eleven,  and  then  two  more,  and  then  a 
poor  little  thing  of  three,  and  this  wife  became  the  mother  to  them, 
(and  I  am  sure  a  good  one)  and  had  also  a  little  baby  of  her  own. 
Late  at  night  a  boy  discovers  the  fire,  and  now  I  come  to  what  I  have 
written  out  from  the  newspaper : — 

"  He  immediately  gave  the  alarm  to  the  female  servants,  two  in  number,  as  also 
to  his  mistress,  who,  in  a  frantic  state,  seized  upon  her  own  child,  an  infant  in  arms, 
and  called  upon  the  servants  to  save  her  child  while  she  ran  up-staira  to  fetch  the 
other  children.  The  servants  in  their  terror  took  the  infant  and  escaped,  leaving 
the  door  open  ;  this  caused  the  fire  to  spread  from  the  shop  to  the  passage,  and  to 
run  up  the  staircase,  thus  cutting  off  all  retreat." 

"  I  cannot  bear  to  write  put  the  rest,  they  heard  all  the  five  poor 
creatures  crying  and  screaming,  but  nobody  could  help  them,  and  no 
engines  came  until  all  was  over.  We  won't  speak  of  that,  but  tell  me 
whether  the  poor  Step-mother,  just  providing  for  the  safety  of  her 
own  baby,  and  no  more,  and  then  rushing  into  the  names  to  rescue  her 
husband's  children  was  not  a  noble  thing. 

"  If  a  man  had  done  such  a  deed  we  should  have  had  a  world  of 
praise  of  his  courage  and  devotion,  and  a  memorial  would  have  been 
erected  to  him,  and  his  children  provided  for.  But  this  poor  brave 
thing  was  only  a  woman,  and  I  suppose  only  doing  her  duty,  and  no- 
body will  even  ask  what  has  become  of  the  poor  baby  who  was  saved. 

"  Go  on  with  your  elections,  and  canting,  and  bribery.  Who  cares 
to  hear  about  a  martyr  woman  ? 

"MART  ANN." 


RELIGION  IN  A  PLAY-BILL. 

MR.  CHABLES  KEAN  puts  forth  a  most  lovely  composition  in  his 
Richard  II.  play-bill.  Ere  the  curtain  rises,  it  so  fixes  the  attention 
of  even  the  pit  and  gallery,  that  not  a  nut  is  cracked,  not  an  apple 
bitten.  Among  other  revelations  of  the  bill  is  the  subjoined : — 

"JOHN  WICKLIFFE,  '  the  morning  star  of  the  Reformation,' made  himself  heard 
amidst  the  angry  roar  of  contending  passions  :  and  in  the  hearts  of  fiery  and  seditious 
men  sowed  the  seed,  which,  after  a  growth  of  one  hundred  and  fifty  years,  was 
destined  to  expand  into  the  STANDARD  RELIGION  OF  OUR  COUNTRY." 

Even  the  bench  of  bishops  will  be  glad  to  find  themselves  fortified 
by  the  opinion  of  MR.  CHARLES  KEAN.  Comforting  is  it  to  know,  on 
playhouse  authority,  that  the  established  religion  is  the  "  standard  " 
religion,  like  standard  gold,  carrying  the  Divine  Hall-mark  to  be  seen 
through  the  spectacles  of  a  manager.  Nevertheless,  this  opinion  bears 
a  little  hard  upon  certain  folks  for  whom,  it  might  be  expected,  there 
would  be  some  professional  sympathy.  For  if  the  "standard" 
religionists  arc  the  chosen,  what — we  ask  MR.  KEAU,  as  an  actor  and 
a  man — what  is  to  become  of  the  "  ranters  ?  " 


The  St.  Petersburg  Party. 

IT  has  been  said'that  the  want  of  tools  is  a  great  impediment  to  the 
accomplishment  of  Russian  works.  Russia,  however,  will  be  in  no 
want  of  tools,  so  long  as  the  EARL  OF  DERBY,  and  MESSRS.  DISRAELI, 
GLADSTONE,  and  COBDEN  continue  to  afford  her  their  instrumentality. 


THE  REAL  POISONER  OF  THE  LOAF. — MR.  COBDEN,  who  seeks  to 
spoil  his  Free  Bread  reputation  by  his  Anti-English  policy. 


MARCH  28,  1857.] 


FUWUH,    UK    THE    LUtNJJUjN    UttAlUVAKl. 


RUSKIN    AT    THE    FEET    OF    SP'JRGEON. 

I/.'A'.V;/     .l-f''i'rliter     of 
jiu    become    greatl.v 
•  >    controversial 
points  of  religion.     Though 
circulating     through      the 
Bunch   ot   Grapes,  and   all 
of  Lions,  lied,  White, 
,  and  Illne,  the '2Y*#r, 
li   given   to   the  pub- 
licans,   is    always  ready   to 
.     And 
why  not  '•:  As  Bi  HUN  says— 

"  Thero  'a  nought,  no  doubt,  «o 

much  the  spirit  calms, 
A«  rum  and  true  religion." 

Porter  and  polemics  make 

strengthening  hall 
half.  'Titer 

'•  affectionate  advocate 

of     Mn.     -  ..     and 

crowning  triumph,  faithfully 
records  the  visits  of  .lud'-re-, 
and  ex-Ministers  to  the  Hall 
of  i  lie  Surrey  Gardens. 
LORD  JOHN'  is  found  among 
.ion:  and 

straightway  .Mil.  SPVUOEOX 
throws  him,  like  a  head 
of  spikenard,  a  compliment,  au  acknowledgment.  MR.  RUSKIX 
— our  authority  is  still  the  'Titer— " sent  a  cheque,  after  he. 
him  preach,  for  100  guineas  to  MR.  SITI:<;K«>JT,  towards  the  tund 
for  building  a  new  place  of  worship."  If  this  be  true,  win 
not  Mil.  RUSKIX  enhance,  beyond  all  price,  his  money-gift,  by  adding 
thereto  a  plan  for  the  new  edifice  f  MB.  KisKix  has  written  in  his 
own  eloquent  way  upon  "  Sheep-Pens."  Why  not  be  the  architect  of 
a  sheep-cot  for  t  lie  shepherd  ot  our  time?  To  be  sure,  KUSKIX  and 
CALVIN  are  a  little  at  odds,  but  no  man  like  the  author  ot  The  Stones 
of  Venice  can  draw  so  much  concord  out  of  a  paradox.  Under  the 
genius  of  MR.  lirsKix,  the  square,  cold  lead-lined  tank  of  CALVIX 
wonld  become  as  vast,  as  multitudinous,  and  as  phosphorescent  as  a 
tropic  ocean. 

GOVERNMENT  LAWYERS  ON  SMUGGLED  OPIUM. 

"THE  President  of  the  Council  presents  his  compliments  to  Mr.  Punch, 
and  requests  that  gentleman  to  give  as  early  publication  as  may  suit 
him  to  the  following  Opinions  of  the  Law  Officers  of  the  Crown, 
obtained  upon  the  subject  of  the  Opium  Trade,  in  compliance  with  the 
promise  of  the  Government  to  LOUD  SHAFTESHTJRY. 

"  liruto*  Street,  March  24." 

From  the  Attorney-General. 

"  I  have  perused  LORD  SHAFTESBURY'S  speech,  and  the  treaties  to 
which  his  lordship  was  pleased  to  refer.  It  appears  to  me,  with  all 
deference  to  the  distinguished  nobleman  in  question,  that  he  is  utterly 
unacquainted  with  the  facts  of  the  case,  and  entirely  incapable,  had  he 
been  reasonably  familiar  with  them,  of  forming  a  Judgment  upon  it. 
I  shall  not  be  expected  at  an  electoral  crisis  like  this  to  sacrifice  any 
•appreciable  period  of  time  to  the  enlightenment  of  his  incapacity,  but 
11  simply  advance  a  series  of  propositions  for  his  information. 

1.  The  acknowledged  duty  of  a  Government  is  to  take  care,  that  no 
hindrance  is  interposed  to  the  people's  obtaining  the  necessaries  of  life. 

2.  Opium  has   become  a  necessary  of  life  to  a  Chinaman.     3.   A 
Government  failing  in  its  duty  ceases  to  be  a  Government.    4.  A 
Chinese  Government  enacting  laws  against  Opium  is  therefore  no 

•  T  a  Government.  5.  If  there  is  no  Government  there  can  be  no 
Government  laws  against  smuggling  Opium.  0.  The  Indian  merchant 
who  supplies  the  Chinese  opium-smoker  wi<h  his  favourite  stimulant 
violates  no  law.  7.  It  is  to  be  deplored  when  intellects  of  an  inferior 
calibre  apply  themselves  to  considerations  of  a  gravity  beyond  the 
grasp  of  their  organisation.  8.  LORD  SIIAFTESHV  RY'S  intellect  is  of  an 
inferior  calibre.  9.  LORD  SIIAFTESBUUY  had  better  shut  up  shop. 

"  BJCHAKD  BETHF.I.L, 

"  Stone  Buildings,  Lincoln's  Lin." 

From  the  Solicitor-General. 

"I  have  looked  at  the  papers,  but  the  idea  of  LORD  STTAFTESBFRY 
bothering  about  Opium  at  a  time  when  the  elections  are  coming  on  is 
too  ridiculous.  It  I  get  in  a-jrai  not  elected  SPEAKER,  I  will 

read  the  documents  more  attentively.     In  the  mean  time  it  seems  to 
me  that    laws   opposed   to  our  wants  and  habits    are  vicious.     For 
enle,  everybody  smokes  cigars,  and  yet,  in  defiance  of  this  fact,  the 


fools  of  railway  directors  stick  up  notices  that  you  are  not  to  smoke  in 
Who  lliiuks  that  he  does  wron  ing  Mich  a 

ridiculous  order?    One"s»  one's  cigar,  of  con  ipping 

at  station.,,  because    0! 

I  it  clear  t;  '•eh  of  the  foolish  rule 

nobody  li:  is  to 

smoke.     The  Mine  with  ( Ipiiini.     There  is  no  harm  in  (  *pium,  in  mode- 
ration, and  :  have  it;  and  1  should  think  no  more  of 
ud  a  pound  of  <  ''  the 

officers,  than  I  should  of  handing  my  eiirar-case  to  a  frie  hyay- 

afraid  SiiAiTJibiiL'iiY,  though  a  worthy  man,  is  a  bit  of 
a  fidgety  milksop. 

"  J.  A.  STUART  WoBTLBT. 

"  IwisJen  Buildingt,  Temple." 


\   BAREBONES  PARLIAMENT   AGAIN. 

WHAT  a  pr.  •  of  Commons  we  should  have  if  the  body  of 

take  the  advice  impertinently  offered  uthe 

following  advertisement,  published  by  a  set  of  Sabbatarian  quacks  ! 

I  HE  APPROACHING  ELECTIONS.— The  Committee  of  the  Lord's 
Day  Observance  Society  urge  upon  Electors  to  vote  only  for  those  candidates 
who  will  oppose  the  opening  of  the  British  Museum,  Nat !  ,  the  Crystal 

Palace,  and  similar  institutions,  and  also  the  playing  of  military  bands  lor  public 
amusement,  on  the  Lm-d'.s  Ii.iy,  and  who  will  advocate  measures  fur 
all  desecrations  of  that  day,  which  are  an  open  and  mani:.  e  com- 

''.  ami  involve  the  <  "ii  the  Lord's  IJay  of  numbers  of  our 

::ceted  with  the  Post  Office,  railway  and  other  travelling,  public- 
houses,  trading,  Ac. 

This  puritanical  appeal  to  ignorant  fanaticism,  is  signed  by  one  JOHN 
T.  BAYI.EK,  who  calls  himself  "  Clerical  Secretary,"  and  who,  therefore, 
.-cully,  is,  or  elf  to  be,  a  parson  of  some  species. 

By  the  company  in  which  he  appears,  and  the  cant  which  he  endorses, 
we  should  judge  him  to  be  a  species  of  parson  bearing,  in  one  respect, 
and  in  one  only,  a  certain  resemblance  to  a  philosopher.  D: 
vented  his  cynicism  from  a  tub,  and  we  should  think  that  BAYLEK,  it 
not  preach  from  the  same  kind  of  pulpit,  is  more  fit  to  preach 
from  that,  than  any  other. 

In  expressing  the  opinion  that  we  should  have  a  pretty  House  of 
Commons  if  its  members  could  be  returned  by  the  deluded  dupes  of 
BAYI.EK  and  the  Sabbatarian  advertisers,  we  do  not  wish  to  be  under- 
stood in  the  literal  sense,  but  in  that  wherein  it  is  customary  to  call  a 
mess  pretty,  or  to  tell  a  preposterous  humbug  that  lie  is  a  pretty 
fellow.  A  very  ugly  House  of  Commons,  physiognomicaUy,  would  no 
doubt  be  constituted  by  a  paramount  Sabbatarian  interest.  The 
maudlin  professors  of  that  persuasion  are  apt  to  term  their  feUow- 
ranters  lovely"  men,  but  they  are  for  the  most  part  an  extremely 
ill-looking  set  of  fellows,  whose  features,  naturally  unprepossessing, 
are  distorted  by  the  agency  of  Calvinism.  No  douot  the  representa- 
tives whom  they  would  send  to  Parliament  would  represent  them  in 
nothing  more  strongly  than  in  their  aspect  of  scowling  dulness  and 
drivelling  imbecility. 

"  No  rational  amusement  on  the  Sunday ! "  "  No  British  Museum ! " 
"  No  National  Gallery !  "  "  No  study  of  the  wonders  of  Creation !  " 
"  No  refining  influence  of  Art !  "  "  No  soothing  sounds  of  music  !  " 
"  No  Post  Office  ! "  "No  Railways  !  "  "  No  Electric  Telegraphs ! " 
"  No  hearing  from  sick  or  dyinj*  relatives,  or  going  to  visit 
These,  and  such,  are  the  election  cries  of  the  Sabbatarian  hypocrites 
and  boobies,  and  their  blessed  BAYLEE  ;  these  cries  and  the  like :  for 
,  "No  Medical  Attendance!"  " No  pulling  oxen 
or  asses  out  of  pits  on  the  Sabbath  Day ! " 

AVe  give  the  advertisement  of  these  bigots  the  advantage  of  circu- 
lation, in  the  hope  that  it  mav  suggest  to  many  sensible  persons  the 
necessity  of  doing  precisely  the  contrary  to  what  it  recommends,  and, 
of  not  forgetting,  in  their' enthusiasm  for  LORD  PALMERSTON  perso- 
nally, to  require,  from  those  candidates  for  whom  they  vote,  a  pledge 
to  support  the  noble  Lord  in  the  concessions  which  he  is  disposed  to 
make  to  those  claimants  of  religious  liberty  who  demand  emancipation 
from  the  restrictions  which  they  labour  under  in  consequence  of  the 
compulsory  and  peculiar  observance  of  Sunday  imposed  upon  them  by 
Puritanism.  __ 

Unaccountable  Stewardship. 

MOST  members  of  the  House  of  Commons  have  been  just  giving 
their  constituents  an  account  of  their  Stewardship,  as  they  call  it,  but 
no  Steward  has  as  yet  rendered  any  account  of  the  Stewardship  of  the 
Chiltern  Hundreds.  

CHINESE  EJECTMENT. 

JOHN  CHINA  MAN,  in  poisoning  bread  for  the  purpose  of  serving  an 
ejectment  on  the  .Europeans,  may  be  regarded  by  lawyers  as  1; 
highly  entitled  himself  to  be  described  by  the  soubriquet  of  JOHN  DOUGH. 

BRIEF  AUTHORITY. — A  Barrister's. 


130 


PUNCH,    OK    THIS    lA/LNJLIUlN     (Jtl Altl V AK1. 


AN-ATOMY  OP  A  MAJORITY. 

THOSE  nice  men  for  a  small  tea-party,  MESSIEURS. 
COBDEN,  DISRAELI,  GLADSTONE,  NEWDEGATE,  and  Co.,  can 
hardly  find  words  strong  enough  to  express  the  strength  of 

.  their  disgust  that  the     fortuitous  concourse  of  atoms  "  to 

i  wliich  they  owed  their  Chinese  triumph  should  he  called  a 
Coalition.  In  their  election  addresses  tliey  have  most  of 
them  been  closely  plagiarising  those  Addresses  which  (absit 
omen !  may  their  Irieuds  say)  are  known  as  the  Rejected 
ones.  Of  course  we  cannot  well  expect  a  man  to  give  his 
mind  calmly  to  poetic  composition  when  agitated  by  the 
thoughts  oi  an  electioneering  contest,  or  we  might  have 

:  seen  before  now  some  such  a  paraphrase  of  a  well-known 

;  passage  as  the  following : — 

Their  votes  in  elemental  chaos  mixed, 
Atoms  by  chance  the  fate  of  Gov'ment  fixed. 
No  factious  cause  inspired  the  happy  plot 
(Although  'twas  whispered  PAM  might  go  to  pot, 
And  then  both  loaves  and  fishes  might  be  got)v. 
Atoms,  attracted  by  some  law  occult, 
Combined,  and  Chinese  cheers  told  the  result. 
Pure  child  of  Chance,  wliich  in  St.  Stephen's  Hall 
Bids  Whig  or  Tory  atoms  rise  or  fall, 
By  COBDEN  launched  the  bubble  motion  floats, 
Upheld  by  radicals'  and  placemen's  votes  : 
So  nicely  poised,  that  one  score  atoms  less 
Had  given  PAM  a  triumph,  Dis  distress ! 


A  MORAL  LESSON  FROM  THE  NURSERY. 

Arthur.  "  Do  YOU  KNOW,  FREDDY,  THAT  WE  ARE  ONLY  MADE  OF  DUST  ! " 
Freddy.  "  ARE  WE  ?    THEN  I  "M  SURE  WE  OUGHT   TO  BE  VERY  CAREFUL  now  WE 

PITCH  INTO    EACH   OTHER  SO,  FOR  FEAR  WE     MIGHT    CROHBLE   EACH    OTHER  ALL    TO 


The  Bights  of  Woman. 

THE  following  may  be  adduced  as  just  a  few  of  the  priri 
leged  Rights  of  Woman — to  wit : — A  gentleman's  Right 
arm,  the  Righthaud  side  of  a  carriage,  and  always  the- 
Right  side  of  an  argument.  To  the  above  may  be  thrown 
in  as  peculiar  Rights  that  Woman  perhaps  understands,  and 
decidedly  adonis,  a  thousand  times  better  than  Man,  viz., 
the  Rites  of  Hospitality  and  the  Rites  of  Hymen. 
Though,  to  speak  impartially,  the  Wrongs  of  Hymen  (as 
witness  our  police  reports)  fall  to  poor  Woman's  share 
almost  as  frequently  as  the  Rites. 


SINGULAB  OPTICAL  DELUSION. 

THERE  is  not  a  Frenchman,  let  him  be  ever  so  small 
and  let  the  work  ho  is  engaged  upon  be  as  small  as  himself, 
but  sets  about  it  with  the  most  thorough  conviction  that 
the  eyes  of  Europe  are  upon  him ! 


LOED  PALMERSTON  AT  MADAME  TUSSAUD'S. 

WE  were  favoured  with  an  early  view  of  LORD  PALMERSTON  as  he 
now  appears  in  freshest  wax  at  MADAME  TUSSAUD'S.  After  the  Order 
of  the  Garter,  nothing  was  wanting  to  the  fullness  of  the  noble  Vis- 
count's fame  but  an  elevation  to  Baker  Street ;  and  this  enamoured 
fortune  has  vouchsafed  to  him.  Of  course,  opinions  will  differ  as  to 
the  merits  of  the  work  as  a  portraiture  of  the  noble  lord;  for,  as 
regards  even  the  oldest  and  grandest  works  of  art,  the  most  sus- 
ceptible and  most  acute  of  critics  will  occasionally  disagree.  The 
Apollo  Belvidere  has  had  his  back-biters,  and  even  Venus  de  Medicis 
has  been  declared  not  a  bit  better  than  she  should  be.  Thus,  it  is  to 
be  expected — especially  in  these  hustings  days  of  party  contention — 
that  even  the  waxen  image  of  the  incomparable  PREMIER  will  not  pass 
without  partial  detraction ;  however  universal  opinion  may  honour  and 
applaud  it. 

Thus,  MR.  DISRAELI  thinks  the  statue  altogether  wants  a  look  of 
life-like  reality.  As  "  a  turbulent  and  aggressive  "  minister,  his  arms 
ought  to  have  been  a-kimbo,  or  at  least  oae  arm  ought  to  have  been 
raised,  and  one  fist  doubled. 

ME.  COBDEN,  though  generally  agreeing  with  MR.  DISRAELI  upon 
LOUD  PALMERST9»'s  objectionable  attitude,  thought  it  would  not  be 
sutiicient  to  the  likeness  as  a  striking  portrait,  if  the  fist  were  merely 
doubled.  He  would  have  the  hand  incarnadined"  like  MacbetKs, 
that  the  British  tea-drinking  public  might,  over  their  cups,  think  of  the 
dreadful  rise  in  the  teapot  and  the  horrible  massacre  at  Canton. 

MR.  ROEBUCK  considered  the  thing  altogether  contemptible.  He 
had  once  or  twice  agreed  with  LOJJID  PALMERSTON  ;  and  had  no  unalter- 
able objection  to  do  so  once  or  twice  again.  But— he  must  ask  it— why 
should  LORD  PALMERSTON  stand  there  flaunting  in  a  tawdry  court 
dress  smeared  all  over  with  gold  ?  Why  couldn't  he  wear  a  plain  blue 
coat?  Must  the  noble  lord— even  in  wax— always  be  going  to  the 


QUEEN'S  balls?  When  did  the  noble  lord  ever  see  him— ARTHUR 
ROEBUCK — in  a  court  dress  ? 

LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL  thought  the  costume  very  correct  and  very 
befitting.  In  that  costume,  he  must  say,  his  noble  friend  looked  not  like 
the  minister  for  France — not  like  the  minister  for  Austria — but  like 
the  minister  for  England.  LORD  JOHN,  however,  could  not  acquit  the 
artist  of  the  grossest  flattery.  His  noble  friend  was  in  his  seventy- 
third  year ;  every  day  of  it  and  all  the  Parliamentary  nights.  Well, 
as  his  noble  friend  stood  there,  he  didn't  look  an  hour  over  fifty.  And 
all  LORD  JOHN  would  simply  ask  was  this — Was  this  constitutional  ? 

MR.  LAYARD  found  no  lault  with  the  likeness  generally ;  but  thought 
thc'position  detestable.  Why  was  not  his  lordship  posed  with  his  best 
leg  foremost,  and  that  leg  taking  an  eastern  direction? 

The  EARL  of  DERBY,  having  taken  a  single  glance  of  his  lordship, 
benevolently  hoped  that  the  premises  were  heavily  insured.  With 
such  a  combustible  addition  to  the  show,  he  would  not,  for  his  part, 
sleep  in  the  neighbourhood,  unless  all  night  the  hose  was  laid  on.  Hi's 
lordship  then,  in  a  laughing  manner,  and  very  much  enjoying  the  dis- 
covery, called  the  attention  of  a  friend  to  the  state  ol  the  figures  of 
the  EMPEROR  NICHOLAS  and  the  EMPEROR  OF  AUSTRIA;  both  in  a 
melting  state  from  their  proximity  to  the  firebrand  PALMERSTON. 
Even  his  Holiness  the  Pope  had  begun  to  perspire. 

MR.  GLADSTONE  thought  the  whole  thing  a  gross  imposture  on 
public  belief.  He  had  counted  the  hairs  of  the  wig  of  the  effigy,  aud 
knowing  something  of  the  wig  of  the  living  PREMIER,  he  would  pledge 
his  reputation  as  a  statesman  and  his  expectations  as  a  minister,  if  the 
number  of  hairs  in  each  wig  would  be  found  to  tally.  Now,  he 
repeated  that  this  was  a  gross  delusion,  a  gross  misrepresentation 
altogether  unworthy  of  any  man  pretending  to  be  minister,  of  this 
once  powerful  and  once  highly-principled  country. 


"  PRO  BONO  PIMLICO."— The  new  cab-drive  through  St.  James's  Park. 


Panted  t>y  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  fl  oburn  Place,  and  I  rnlenck  Mullet  F,v»n«.  of  No.  19,  QueniV  Roa.l  West,  Itegent'i  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  MiddleKX, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  In  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefriars,  in  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  frj.  Fleet  Street,  ia  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of 
London.— SATOBDAT,  March  -:s.  1-67. 


APRIL  4,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON; CHARIVARI. 


131 


EXCESS  OF  APPAREL. 

A  RKMOVVntAXCE. 

"I'l.s  not  that  Ilioii  art  fond  of  drr-s, 

I  leare^t,  that  1  at  rill  eohiplain, 
I  do  not  wish  thai  t'ondm  M  less, 

I  like,  I  wan!  thee  to  be  \ain ; 
.  thai  th>  charms  niijrht  heightened  be 

lly  every  means,  I  would  implore, 
So  tiiat  they  might  cnraptme  me, 

And  make  me  lo\e  t  hoc  still  the  more. 

"J'i--  for  those  very  charms  of  thine, 

!'•>   I  ash  on    ••  roi     ed,  that   I  appeal. 
Through  muslin  clouds  they  eaimol  >hinc  ; 
^  Dress  should  adorn,  and  not  conceal  ; 
The  piesent  mode  mav  suit  the  liar's, 

Or  Matrons  of  the  Gnunpoa  kind. 
<  )f  clothes  they  all  look  best  as  bags, 
Puffed  out  before,  ut  sides,  behind. 

Hut  what  avails  it  thee  to  own, 

A  form  of  symmetry  and  grace, 
\Vith  drapery  round  thee  so  out  blown 

That  I  can  only  see  thy  face  ? 
The  angel  that  tnou  art,  appear, 

Nor  longer  so  thy  figure  hide, 
As  if  thou  wert  a  cherub  mere, 

That  has  a  face— and  nought  beside. 


Eoniba's  Revenge. 

A  CREATURE  of  BOMBA'S,  one  BAJAXO,  a  policeman,  has 
imcntcd  a  new  torturing  apparatus;  a  machine  which 
gags,  by  choking  the  victim.  This  devil's  toy  is  used  to 
inflict  a  kind  of  torture  called  the  tortura  del  silenzio.  The 
miscreant  underling  may  have  devised  this  diabolical  con- 
trivance ;  but  the  idea  of  it  was  no  doubt  suggested  by  his 
absolute  master.  Enraged  because  France  and  England 
will  not  speak  to  him,  he  thinks  to  visit  their  silence  on 
his  unhappy  prisoners. 


Studious  Soy.  "  JOHNNY  ! — I  ADVISK  YOU  NOT  TO  BE  A  GOOD  BOY  !" 

Johnny.  "  WHY  ?  " 

Studious  Soy.  "  BECAUSE  IN  BOOKS  ALL  GOOD  BOYS  DIE,  YOU  Know  ! " 


"  HABITANS  IN  Siccp."— Thieves  have  been  stripping  the 
roofs  of  some  of  the  city  churches  of  the  lead.  Wantonly 
wicked,  when  there  is  so  much  given  in  the  sermons. 


"YES,    'TIS    THE    SPELL!" 

WE  learn  from  the  Report  of  the  Civil  Service  Examiners,  who  have 
done  the  State  much  civil  service  by  their  nipping  in  the  bud  whole 
groves  of  inefficiency,  which  might  have  otherwise  been  added  to  the 
Woods  and  Forests,  and  have  increased  the  woodiness  of  the  Admi- 
ralty and  other  Governmental  boards,— we  learn,  we  say,  from  a  lately 
published  Blue,  or  we  might  rather  call  it  Black  Book,  that  one  of  the 
chief  causes  of  rejection  with  the  candidates  was  the  badness  of  their 
spelling.  Of  this  the  instances  which  are  quoted,  for  our  anything  but 
satisfaction,  are  as  singular  as  they  are  plural;  and  we  especially  are 
struck  with  the  ingenious  varieties  which  we  find  have  been  devised 
for  spelling  the  same  words.  It  would  puzzle  a  JOHN  THOMAS  to  dis- 
cover seven  ways  of  writing  the  word  "grievances"  without  once 
hitting  on  the  right  one :  yet  this  feat  of  caeography  has  lately  been 
accomplished;  and  it  woidd  seem  the  "Mediterranean"  has  proved 
a  Rubicon  that  very  many  of  the  Candidates  have  been  unable 
to  get  over,  since  we  see  no  less  than  fourteen  methods  of  mis- 
spelling it. 

These  results  might  not  unreasonably  perhaps  have  been  anticipated 
m  examining  the  junior  classes  of  a  Ragged  School ;  but,  we  cannot  help 
allowing,  that  the  Commissioners  are  justified  in  their  expression  of 
astonishment,  that  grown  up  Candidates  for  Civil  Service  should  have 
shown  so  little  previous  acquaintance  with  their  spelling  books.  Nor 
can  it  much  increase  one's  reverence  for  what  is  known  in  common 
parlance  as  a  "  gentlemanly  education,"  when  one  hears  that— 

"  Out  of  sixty-six  sons  of  noblemen  and  gentlemen  who  were  rejected,  forty-four 
per  cent,  were  for  incapacity  to  spell  their  own  language." 

The  better  then  the  birth,  the  worse  would  seem  the  spelling.  But, 
however  much  this  may  have  astonished  the  Commissioners,  it  is  no 
surprise  to  us.  We  think,  though,  that  the  system  is  at  fault  much 
more  than  those  who  suffer  for  it.  We  have  no  wish  to  speak  lightly 
of  a  liberal  education,  if  we  say  that  to  our  view  there  is  something 
radically  wrong  in  it.  We  were  at  a  public  school  ourselves ;  and 
however  great  our  progress  may  have  been  with  the  dead  languages, 


we  but  little  added  to  our  knowledge  of  the  living  ones.  Our  masters 
stood  by  far  too  high  as  classicists  to  stoop  to  teach  us  common 
English,  and  so  long  as  we  continued  public  scholars  we  had  to  consult 
our  spelling  books  m  private. 

Yet  at  ten  years  of  age,  which  were  ours  when  we  entered,  we  could 
hardly  have  acquired  that  perfect  mastery  of  English  which  it  appa- 
rently was  taken  quite  for  granted  we  possessed,  since  no  attempt  was 
made  to  cure  our  imperfections. 

Now  without  undervaluing  our  classical  attainments,  we  must  say 
that  we  still  find  our  English  quite  as  useful  to  us  as  our  Latin ;  and 
we  had  far  less  rather  lose  our  knowledge  of  orthography,  than  part 
with  our  ability  to  give  the  paradigm  of  TVXTU.  To  wnte  the  word 
"  grievances  "  with  a  false  quantity  of  letters  seems  to  us  a  greater 
heinousness  than  even  making  a  false  quantity  in  scanning  a  penta- 
meter :  and  it  is  probable  that  the  employes  of  a  British  Government 
will  more  often  have  the  opportunity  of  showing  off  the  former  than 
the  latter  feat  of  scholarship.  But  so  long  as  English  schools  teach 
chiefly  Greek  and  Latin,  and  a  knowledge  of  orthography  is  assumed 
to  come  by  instinct,  so  long  will  "finished"  scholars  be  found  en- 
gulphed  and  quite  at  sea  in  spelling  "Mediterranean,"  and  Civil 
Candidates  use  words  that  almost  Billingsgate  would  blush  at. 


ROTHSCHILD'S  TIME  BARGAIN. 

BAHON  ROTHSCHILD  made  a  time  bargain  with  the  citizens  of 
London.  If,  again  championed  by  an  increased  majority  in  the 
Commons,  he  is  again  rejected  by  the  Lords,  the  Baron  "  will  not 
hesitate  in  immediately  placing  his  seat"  at  the  disposal  of  the 
electors.  According  to  the  olden  Cabalists,  everything  that  is  and  is 
to  be  is  written  in  Hebrew  on  the  face  of  the  Heavens,  if  a  sage  can 
only  be  found  wise  enough  to  read  it.  Is  no  such  sage  among  the 
London  remnant  of  Israel  ?  It  cannot  be  said  of  "  the  people  "  what 
Macbeth  avouches  of  Jiaitquo,  that  "  there  is  no  speculation  "  in  their 
eyes ;  and  such  being  the  case,  how  easy  to  read  upon  the  face  of  the 
sky  whether  the  Baron's  time  bargain  is  for  a  rise  or  a  fall. 


Tor*  xxxii. 


132 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  4,  1857. 


THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  CHRISTIAN  TEMPLES. 

Translated  from  a  fragment  of  a  Lttin  MS.,  supposed  to  be  a  Roman 
Law  Report,  recently  discovered  in  the  Vaiican. 


ABOUT  this  time  (FiNNis  EQUA  being  Consul)  the  peace  of  the  state 
was  a  good  deal  disturbed  by  the  quarrels  of  the  people  called  Christians, 
who  being  no  longer  persecuted  by  the  Government,  proceeded  to 
persecute  one  another.  Some  of  these  Christians,  being  wealthy  and 
foolish,  desired  to  adorn  their  temples  after  the  manner  of  the  temples 
of  the  gods,  with  altars,  and  carved  images,  and  embroideries  of  lace, 
and  women  gave  liberal  gifts  in  order  to  furnish  forth  the  same.  Two 
of  their  temples,  one  at  the  Pons  Equitis,  and  the  other  in  the  Via 
Pimliconis,  were  thus  costlily  set  forth,  and  drew  crowds  of  worship- 
pers, the  priests  singing  and  offering  incense,  and  the  minstrels  playing. 
Other  some  were  seized  with  great  fury  at  this  display  and  these  rites, 
whicli  they  said  were  altogether  foreign  to  the  traditions  of  certain 
ancient  Piscatores,  whom  they  claim  as  the  founders  of  their  religion, 
and  th,  ' 
certain  _ 

were  committed, „__, 

restraining  them,  called  upon  them  to  settle  their  questions  of  strife 
among  themselves.  This  they  essayed  to  dp,  and  sought  the  sentence 
of  their  chief  priests,  which  was  tardily  given,  and  by  which  the  van- 
quished party  would  not  be  bound.  At  length,  their  brawls  and  their 
pertinacity  drove  them  to  a  course  which  they  all  agreed  was  wrong, 
namely,  to  go  to  law  before  a  profane  tribunal,  and  not  before  their 
own  religious  teachers.  It  was  fixed  that  the  trial  upon  the  rites  of 
the  two  Christian  temples  should  be  set  down  among  the  Judicia 
Centumviralia,  and  the  Praetor,  T.  PEMBERTONIUS  LEIUS,  sat  to  hear 
the  same,  with  three  skilful  Consilarii,  named  PARKIUS,  PATTISONIUS, 
and  MAULIUS,  to  whom  it  was  agreed  to  add  a  couple  of  the  Christian 
flamens  as  adsessors. 

The  cause  of  the  Christians  being  heard  at  very  intolerable  length, 
the  Prsetor  said  Milii  non,  liquet,  and  took  time  for  deliberation,  and  on 
the  day  of  the  great  god  Saturn  now  last  past,  pronounced  judgment. 
He  eluded  both  parties  for  their  rancour  and  their  folly,  the  former 
being  opposed  to  the  laws  of  the  religion  by  which  they  pretended  to 
be  bound,  and  the  latter  being  shown  by  their  making  so  vast  a  matter 
of  the  absence  or  presence  of  a  few  pieces  of  wood,  stone,  and  silk. 
The  Praetor  then  decided,  that  having  examined  their  traditions  and 
then*  laws,  he  saw  no  reason  why  a  wooden  cross  whereof  complaint 
was  made  should  not  remain,  the  same  being  regarded  as  an  architect's 
device.  Hereat  one  part  of  the  Christians  broke  out  into  a  fierce  shout 
of  triumph,  but  were  compelled  to  silence  by  the  lictors.  The  Przetor 
next  said  that  a  marble  altar,  erected  in  the  two  temples  in  imitation  of 
the  altars  of  the  gods,  must  be  taken  away,  with  a  cross  thereupon,  and  a 
wooden  table  substituted.  Hereat  another  part  of  the  Christians  broke 
out  into  a  fierce  shout  of  triumph,  but  were  compelled  to  silence  by 
the  lictors.  Next  it  was  held  that  certain  small  side  tables,  called 
Credences,  which  had  given  groat,  offence  to  the  iconoclastic  party, 
might  be  retained,  as  might  the  embroidered  cloth  wherewitn  the 
priests  had  been  wont  to  cover  the  said  altar  when  not  offering  sacri- 
fice, and  wherewith  they  might  now  cover  the  table,  so  that  no  man 
could  know  whether  it  were  an  altar  or  not.  But  the  embroidered 
linen  and  lace  which  had  been  placed  upon  the  said  altar  was  not  to 
be  used  again.  Finally,  the  Prsetor  condemned  each  party  to  pay 
his  own  costs,  and  dismissed  the  Christians  with  counsel  to  live 
together  in  amity,  and  to  remember  what  one  of  ourselves  had  said  ol 
them,  "  See  how  these  Christians  iovc  one  another."  The  sentence 
striking  both  ways,  neither  party  lixed  the  garland  of  Green  Palm  at 
his  advocate's  door,  which  nevertheless  either  might  well  have  done, 
both  having  enough  and  to  spare  of  greenness. 


THE    GREAT    INCORRUPTIBLE! 

(A.it  Entirely  Imaginary  Conversation,  based  on  facts  of  the  same 
character.) 

DRAMATIS  PERSONA 
HAYTEKIO  (A  fiend  in  human  shape,  Patronage  Secretary  of  the  Treasury  of  Sanitaria}. 
GUUELMO  (A  lietail  Tradesman  of  limited  capacity  and  lofty  principles.  Member  for  a 

Metropolitan  Borough  in  the  Island,  commonly  called  ty  himself  "The  Incorruptible  "). 
MEMBERS  OF  THE  PARLIAMENT  OF  BABATAKIA  (in  various  stages  of  corruption  and 

corruptibility). 

SCENE— The  House  of  Commons  in  the  Capital  of  Barataria. 
Members  discovered. 

Enter  HATTEEIO  (with  a  Budget,  sowing  cormption  broadcast.    As  he 

lows  he  sings). 

Places  snug,  with  famous  pay, 
Safe  and  sure  each  quarter-day; 
Sinecures  and  shares  in  jobs, 
Cards  for  balls  and  routs  of  nobs ; 
Tickets  for  the  Royal  hops, 
Means  to  sink  all  sorts  of  shops ; 
Stars  to  hide  the  turns  of  coats  ; 
Ribbons  rich  for  timely  votes ; 
Honours,  places,  titles,  favours, — 
Be  but  on  your  good  behaviours : 
Come  buy — come  buy !  and  take  your  choice — 
The  highest  price  is  but  a  voice. 
Come,  buy  of  me— come  buy,  come  buy ! 
Buy,  husbands,  or  your  wives  will  cry  ; 
Baronetcies  I  have  here ; 
Dinner-tickets  from  a  Peer  • 
Bows  from  Duchesses  and  Dukes, 
Shakes  o'  the  hand  and  gracious  looks ; 
For  him  who  with  us  will  divide, 
Waiterships  on  time  and  tide ; 
Loaves  from  out  the  public  dish, 
Slices  off  the  public  fish  ; 
Come  see — but  see — the  wares  I  've  brought, 
You  all  must  buy — (aside)  must  all  be  bought ! 

Members  crowd  round  eagerly. 

First  Member.  Ha !  Said'st  thou,  MASTER  HAYTEBIO,  thou  hast 
there  a  ticket  for  the  QUEEN'S  Hop  ? 

Hayterio.  Marry  have  I,  MASTER  MUDLARK. 

First  Member.  Out  with  it;  then ;  my  mistress  hath  longed  sore  for 
one  of  these  same  tickets,  this  many  a  long  day. 

Hayterio  (gives  Ticket}.  And  now— (produces  a  scroll  and  iron  pen.) 
Sign  here ! 

First  Member  (who  has  taken  the  pen,  starting  lack).  'Tis  blood  ! 

Hayterio  (mockingly).  Ha  !  Ha !  Ha !    Red  ink,  man,  red  ink. 

First  Member  (re-assured).  Nay,  an  it  is  but  red  ink.  [Signs. 

Hayterio  (aside,  with  fiendish  exultation).  He 's  ours ! 

Second  Member  (musingly).  Hast  ever  a  "  Sir,"  or  two,  in  thy 
budget,  Master  ?  Methiuks  "  Sir  "  woidd  go  well  with  my  name — 
"Sin  DRUDGEK  DITCHWATER" — It  sounds  bravely. 

Hayterio.  Thou  say'st  well,  MASTER  DITCHWATER.  Methinks  I 
hear  it  rung  roundly  out  by  the  varlets,  round  the  playhouse  door — 
"  SIR  DRUDGER  and  LADY  DITCIIWATER  coming  down." 

Second  Member.  LADY  DiTCHWATER,too !— and  out  a  vote,  say'st  thou? 

Hayterio.  Even  so — but  a  poor  vote — MASTER  DRUDGER. 

Second  Member.  Nay,  I  was  ever  of  my  Lord's  mind,  and  the 
Government's ;  but  those  pestilent  rogues  o'  the  hustings  did, — as 
't  were, — I  know  not  how, — take  pledges  of  me,  methinks. 

Hayterio.  A  &%  for  the  rascals,  and  their  pledges !  (With  cordiality.) 
Here,  man,  clap  m  here ! 

{Offers  him  a  bloody  hand.    SECOND  MEMBER  recoils  with  horror. 

Hayterio.  'Tis  but  wine,  man — the  blood  of  the  grape. 

Second  Member.  Is  it  so  ?    Then  have  with  y9u— red  hand,  and  all ! 

[He  clenches  him  with  tlie  bloody  hand. 

Hayterio  (aside,  as  before). 

One  more ! 

That 's  two  to  my  score ! 

(To  THIRD  MEMBER.)  And  you,  fair  MASTER  CINQAPACE — Will  you 
not  to  Her  Grace's  Ball  to-night  ?  She  would  fain  see  you  there.  She 
has  talked  much  of  your  noble  air  in  a  coranto,  "  An  he  were  but  of 
our  side,"  she  hath  said — and  sighed — 

Third  Member.  Nay — as  for  sides,  Sir,  I  know  none  in  state  affairs. 
"  Measures,  not  men,"  say  I. 

Hayterio.  'Tis  my  'own  maxim.  Then  support  our  measures. 
Heaven  forbid  I  should  ask  you  to  vote  with  our  men.  You  will  come 
to  Her  Grace's  Ball  ?  See  here  (sho/rs  invitation) — for  thyself,  thy  wife, 
and  thy  daughter — a  fair  maiden,  MASTER  CINQAPACE.  Why  is  she 
not  presented  ere  this  ?  I  know  the  Duchess  would  fain  take  such 
a  phoenix  under  her  wing. 


APRIL  4,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR    THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


133 


Member.  Thhik'st  thou  so,  indeed,  MASTKII  HAVTI:HI.-I  r 
Well,  I  iim  for  your  measures.  Let  who  will  stick  to  men,— mea- 
sures, say  I. 

Ha»ttrio  (gives  invitation  to  Sal!).  Her  Grace  claims  your  hand  for 
I  he  firM  fandango.  Remember!  (./«</<•  to  him,  iri/fi  a  icink.)  Lo- 
thario that  thdii  arl  !  II'  MISTUESS  CINQAPACE  but  guessed! 

[Tlintn  M  KM  HER  smiles,  then  blushes;  nudges  HAYTKRIO  in  the  Ms, 
places  his  finger  by  th?  si<lr  <•!'  his  iiosn  etnutiligly,  and  glides 
.after  exchanging  teit/i  UAYTKIUCXZ  confidential  pressure 
of  (he  hand. 

Hayterio  (recording  the  name  of  THIRD  MEMBER  on  his  litf).  Another 

I  gained!     So  wags  HH8  W«M  of  «H».     Buyers  and  sellers  all!     Ivich 

'has  his  price.    '"Nation  of  Shopkeepers,"  said  the  Corsican,— and  he 

spake,  truth.     But  we  must  have  more  votes. 

[Obs<;  i :  i, MH,    trim   <1  ,<  ring  the   preceding   scene   has   been 

standing  apart,  with  his  arms  folded,  a  scowl  of  contemptuous 
indignation,  on  liis  homely  but  heroic  features. 
'Tis  GULIELMO— Member  for  the  Marsh— 
A  great  Arithmetician,  aye  agog 

.at  Keououiy,  which  'tis  our  frame 
To  call  "cb  •"- "(hi ift  of  candle-ends;" 

iVum- \YiMl<>iii-ai!d-P<mml-FiioliM 
\Vnuld  1  could  win  him  !— Let  me  find  a  chink 
In  his  mailed  virtue— twang— I'll  loose  a  shaft, 

et-a  nobh  [Approaclet  familiarly. 

\(iu   good-day,  -rood  MASTI:I;  (li  i.n.LMO. 
Gvlulmo.  Even  "  good-day,"  I  take  not  at  your  h*M8. 
Iliiyterio.  Nay,  pnthee,  snap  me  not  so  shortly  up — 
I  would  lie  courteous— 

Gulielmo.  Keep  your  courteous  breath 

Tor  those  whose  porridge  it  can  cool  or  warm  : 

1  need  it  not.  [Turns  aii>aij  with  lofty  independence. 

Ilii/iterio  (following  him).  Yet  -wherefore  fly  me? 
Ctilii'lmo  (stopping  short  and  turning).  ELY  ! 

Hear  him,  Marsh  voters !    Hear  him— he  said  "1'u ." 

\_fPitk  withering  tcorn. 
Know— minion  of  corruption, — GULIELMO 
1'lics  not  from  man— least  of  all  men,  from  you  ! 

!l.i,/'i;io.  "Let  that  Fly,"— as  our  Scottish  proverb  says— 
"  Slick  to  the  wall,"  but  say  why  you  requite 
My  courtesy  with  churlishness.    "Pis  well 
I'oi-  those  o  the  other  side  the  House  to  sneer, 
Jlowl,  make  mouths,  call  us  "humbugs,"  but  foryow— 
A  Liberal— so  to  meet  a  Liberal's  hand — 
To  be  so  cross  with  us — still  to  let  out 
j  Each  Liberal  cat  from  the  Official  bag — 
'Tis  hard  !    But  .say,  must  it  be  ever  thus  P — 
Will  nothing  tempt  thee  to  more  pliant  mood  P 

•  •Imp  (folding  his  ana).  Nothing  that  thou  canst  offer. 
Hay'erio  (pointing  to  his  Budget).  I  have  here 
I 'ost -Office  places -snug  Tide-Wait  ci'ships, 
Suited  for  ten  pound  voters — 

Gulielmo.  Hold  thy  hand  ! 

Tides  wait  for  no  man, — no  man  waits  for  tides, 
That  votes  for  GULIELMO.    Post  Office  P 
I  scorn  all  men  of  letters, — and  will  not 
Be  accessory  to  the  making  more. 

lliii/terio.  'But  social  honours  !— They  can  tempt  you,  sure. 
Say.  would  you  dine  with  PALMEKSTONO?    Meet 
His  lady's  gracious  smile  on  Saturday's  ? 
i  Be  pointed  at,  within  her  marble  halls  — 
"  See— GULIELMO— that  is  he — the  great, 
The  immaculate  .GULIELMO?" 

'.-I mo.  I 'd  rather  meet 

U'ithin  the  sanded  tap-rooms  of  the  Marsh 
My  grimiest,  greasiest  constituents, 

I  sit  the  guest  of  princes! 
Hayterio  (imi*na.ti>mly\.  But  thy  wife  ; 

Think  how  she  'd  grace  the  Halls  of  Royalty  ! 
Think  of  thy  wife,  in  plumes  and  a  court-train ! 

[GULIELMO  is  agitated  by  a  severe  internal  struggle. 
Think  of  that  matron's  pride!  [wide, 

He  shrinks !  he  5  ields  ! 
Gulielmo  (aside).  The  husband  shakes  !  the  patriot  is  fixed! 

[With  an  outbunt  of  awful  dignity. 
Back  tempter !  Sooner  should  my  wife  usurp 
The  inexpressibles  1  wear,  than  mount 
happets  and  train  to  swell  the  venal  crowd 
Of  courtier-slaves !    Take  hence  t  hy  bribes !    Avaunt ! 
Hayterio.  But  one  word — Knighthood  for  thyself — 
Gulielmo.  Away ! 

Hayterio.  A  baronetcy — succession  to  thy  son. 

iiiio.  Like  me,  he  lives  anil  dies  Plain  GULIELMO  ! 
Hayterio.  A  Baronage — 
Gulielmo.  Bother ! 


Haylerio.  Earldom— 

Gulielmo.  (in  to  Hath! 

JTaylei-io.  A  Marquisate— a  Dukedom — what  th'.n  wilt? 
Gulielmo.  \Vhai  1  will  !  (  WUheringlg.)  To  be  left  to  my  great  self- 
Plain  Grur.i.Mii,  Member  I'oi-  the  Marsh — 
The  immaculate  -the  hoorruptible — 
UNBUYABLE— UNBKIBABLK— AI.OXK  ! 

[HAYTKRIO  shrinks  bade  baffled!    GULIELMO  strikes   an  a/til"''/' 
of  mingled  triumph  and  humility.    Curtain  Falls. 


CLEAN    HANDS." 

Hi:  late  jovcrnor  of  the  British 
'..  MIL  K.siiATLK,  took  touch- 
ing occasion  at  the   Court    of 
Bankruptcy  to  thank  God  with 
a  sigh— 

"  Some  people  always  »lgh  in 

thanking  • 

says  Hie  poetess  of  Aurora  Leigh, 
•.king  with  the  I'.iilish 
' . .  he  had  sunk  with  "clean 
hands."    May  act  the  public  be 
favoured   witV  cheap  casts  of 
those  monetary  hands,  painted 
after  the  purity  of  the  originals  ': 
They  would,   doubtless,   be   of 
great  inten  eta  of 

art— of  the  very  highest  and  the 
very  deepest  art— to  depositors 
and  shareholders,  hung  over 
their  mantel-pieces.  As  we 
have  known  soldiers  and  sailors 
whocarefnlly  hoarded  the  bullet 
that  had  hit  them:  so,  doubt- 
less, might  the  sufferers  by  the 
British  Bank  find  food  for  bitter 
melancholy  in  contemplating  the 
shape  of  the  palms,  the  insin- 
uating delicacy  of  finger  of  the 
hands  of  the  governor,  under 
whose  manipulation  the  British 
Bank,  like  a  soap-bubble,  burst 
into  infinite  space.  We  have 
not  the  least  doubt  of  the  pre- 
sent purity  of  MB.  ESDAILE'S 
hands :  but  we  confess  a  curi- 
osity to  know  the  sort  of  wash- 
oalls  he  used  for  ablution,  seeing  that  from  his  close  friendship 
with  MB.  CAMERON,  the  governor  must  now  and  then  have  touched 
pitch.  But  purity  and  refinement  seemed  to  be  the  besetting  qualities 
af  the  late  governor.  CAMERON  was  a  working,  vulgar  tool :  ESDAILE 
was  the  tranquil  gentleman.  In  fact,  CAMERON,  in ,  the  words  of 
ESDAILE— "was  the  supreme  executive  of  the  Bank." 

"  You  do  not  mean  to  say,"— puts  in  the  merciless  MR.  LINKLATER 
"he  was  there  for  use,  and  you  for  ornament  r  " 
And  MB.  ESDAILE  makes  reply  with  all  the  conscious  dignity  of  the 
passive,  yet  superior  article—   It  was  very  much  the  case." 

A  report  was  issued — it  is  not  stated  whether  before  or  after  MB. 
ESDAILE  had  washed  his  hands,  but  we  incline  to  think  before — 
iu  which  the  blessings  to  be  derived  from  the  British  Bank  were 
thus  set  forth — 

"  The  contributions  of  innnmerablo  small  rills  gradually  swelling  into  a  mighty 
head  might  be  diffused  so  as  to  irrigate  and  fructify  the  surrounding  space,  and  be 
a  blessing  to  the  givers  and  receivers." 

This  isxevidently  from  the  useful  hand  of  CAMERON,  and  not  from 
the  hand  ornamental  of  ESDAILE.  CAMERON,  moreover,  was  the  piety- 
monger;  the  bird  of  pray:  hence,  his  note  is  audible  in  the  subjomea. 

"  That  the  benefits  of  the  institution  to  the  community  would  as  much  exceed 
those  of  even  savings-banks  as  did  the  gains  of  the  good  and  faithful  servant  those 
of  him  who  kept  his  pound  laid  up  in  a  napkin." 

It  is  really  too  much  for  CAMEBON  ISCARIOT,  for  him  who  "  bore  the 
bag,"  to  calculate  the  gains  of  the  good  and  faithful  servant.  Under 
t  IK:  nominal  rule  of  the  ornamental  governorship,  the  directors  sent  out 
the  following  courageous  falsehood : — 

"  That  the  Royal  British  Bank  being  incorporated  by  Hoyal  Charter,  it  possessed 
a  priviU-K*  of  doing  local  business  equal  to  any  Bank  except  tho  Bank  of  England. 
The  Lords  of  HEK  MAJESTY'S  Privy  Council  of  Trade  had  already  approved  i.t  thu 
deed  of  constitution  by  increasing  the  capital  as  the  nature  of  the  business  might 
require." 

Again  we  say.  we  do  not  for  a  moment  doubt  the  surpassing  clean- 
liness of  MR.  ESDAILE'S  hands  ;  but  we  must  emphatically  put  to  him 
t  his  question— Where  does  he  buy  his  soap  ? 


134 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVA.RI^ 


[APRIL  4,  1857. 


.',  .      sUf-^.1    }' 


THE    SHUTTLE-COCK    NUISANCE. 

Little  Girl.  "  On,  I  BEG  YOUR  PARDON,  SIR  !— IT  WAS  TDE  WIND  AS  BONE  IT  ! " 


A  CHILD  GOING  A-BEGGING. 

PHRENOLOGY  talks  of  an  organ  of  "  Philoprogenitiveness,"  or  the 
love  of  Children.  In  some  heads  this  is  excessively  large,  in  others 
unnaturally  small.  Subjoined  is  an  advertisement  which  appears  to  be 
addressed  by  parents  of  the  latter  class  to  childless  people  of  the 
former : — 

A  DOPTED  CHILDREN.— A  Boy,  aged  seven  years,  will  be  given  up 
-tl  entirely  to  ai>y  respectable  party  wishing  to  adopt  him.  The  Child's  parents 
are  of  gentle  blood,  but  their  present  circumstances  do  not  enable  them  to  educate 
him.  The  Child  is  more  than  ordinarily  intelligent,  and  very  musical.  Address, 
,  General  Advertiser  Office. 


The  gentle  blood  of  which  these  parents  boast  does  not  appear  to 
manifest  itself  in  parental  tenderness.  Although,  however,  they  seem 
to  have  very  little  "  Philoprogenitiveness  "  themselves,  they  evidently 
have  an  exaggerated  idea  of  the  possible  strength  of  the  feeling  in 
others.  They  consider  the  age  of  seven  years,  intelligence  more  than 
ordinary,  and  a  very  musical  turn,  to  be  recommendations,  on  the  part 
of  their  little  boy,  sufficient  to  be  likely  to  induce  some  people  to  take 
him  upon  their  hands  and  charge  themselves  with  his  education  and 
maintenance.  Who,  most  of  onr  readers  will  exclaim,  would  take  a 
child  for  a  pet,  when,  at  a  rate  so  very  much  cheaper,  he  could  keep 
a  terrier  ?  Some,  perhaps,  of  that  class  of  persons  who  send  conscience- 
money  to  the  CHANCELLOR  or  THE  EXCHEQUER  may  take  the  fancy 
of  adopting  a  child  into  their  heads  with  the  same  view  as  that  which 
induces  others  to  buy  a  dog.  Religions  zealots,  too,  Papist  or  Pro- 
testant, may  look  upon  an  infant,  who  will  be  given  up  entirely  to 
them,  as  a  great  catch.  They  may  be  ready  to  jump  at  the  chance  of 
procuring  an  addition  to  their  respective  persuasions ;  and  may  rejoice 
m  the  purpose  of  training  up  their  adopted  child  in  the  way  they  think 
he  should  go,  jnst  as  persons  of  other  sentiments  please  themselves  in 
the  design  of  breaking  a  setter.  The  musical  quality  of  the  child  will 
perhaps  commend  it  to  the  [devotees  of  ST.  CECILIA.  Probably  this 
quality  is  hereditary.  A  poem  of  the  nursery  declares  that — 

"  The  cuckoo  is  a  pretty  bird  : 
He  sings  as  he  flies —  " 

and  the  parents  of  this  child,  in  proposing  to  abandon  their  offspring 


to  the  care  of  strangers,  exhibit  themselves  in  the  character  of  those 
peculiarly  constituted  singing  birds  called  cuckoos.  They  are  also 
liable  to  another  ornithological  comparison,  and  may  bo  said  to  resemble 
ducks,  for  these  fowls  also  object  to  rear  their  j;oung.  This  conside- 
ration may  procure  a  foster-mother  for  the  child,  in  Ihe  person  of  some  I 
benevolent  lady  who  may  be  desirous  of  dandling  a  little  duck. 


PEACE  AND  NO  PEACE. 

IT  may  be  observed  that,  as  a  rule,  the  Members  of  the  Peace 
Society  display  a  most  unfitting  bellicosity  of  language.  The  vehe- 
mence witli  which  they  have  been  lately  "  giving  it "  to  all  who  dare 
to  differ  with  them  on  the  merits  of  the  China  question,  makes  us 
almost  tremble  for  the  safety  of  our  ears  should  the  country  now 
decide  for  carrying  on  the  war  with  still  increasing  vigour.  Were 
farther  outrage  to  be  heaped  upon  the  interesting  victims  of  our  bar- 
barous brutalities,  we  may  question  if  the  Peace  brawlers  would  be 
able  to  discover  words  half  strong  enough,  to  give  a  due  expression  to 
the  strength  of  their  virtuous  indignation.  At  any  rate  we  doubt  if 
any  orator  among  them  could  so  far  repress  his  feelings,  as  to  speak 
with  any  calmness  of  that  crash  of  the  Celestials,  which  might  ensue 
if  JOHN  BULL  were  provoked  to  force  his  way  into  the  China  Shop 
with  a  goodwill  to  the  business.  We  suspect  that  even  MR.  COBBEN, 
with  all  his  mastery  of  language,  would  in  such  case,  find  it  difficult  to 
keep  his  tongue  in  due  command,  and  show  that,  to  misquote  the  poet, 

he  was — 

"Master  of  himself,  though  China  fall." 


Court  Circular  from  the  Nursery. 

"  PRINCE  LEOPOLD  "—writes  the  Court  Newsman  of  Thursday — 
"visited  the  Zoological  Gardens  in  the  Kegent's  Park."  The  Prince, 
being  at  the  ripe  age  of  almost  four,  it  is  especially  necessary  that  a 
thinking  people  should  know  when  His  lloyai  Highness  condescend- 
ingly visits  the  guinea-pigs,  and  what  time  he  graciously  spends  in  the 
monkey-house. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— APRIL  4,  1857. 


BEHIND   THE    SCENES. 


MANAGER  PAM  (looking  through  the  Curtain).  "  HOW  THEY  ARE  SQUABBLING  FOR  SEATS !— REALLY,  A  CAPITAL 
HOUSE ! " 

MR.  PUNCH.  "  WELL,  YOU  'VE  A  GOOD  CHANCE  OF  SUCCESS,  BUT  IT  DEPENDS  ENTIRELY  UPON  WHAT 
YOU  PRODUCE!" 


APRIL  4,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


137 


THE    MYTH    OF    PAN    AND    RAM. 


LIKE  to  the  mighty  voice  of  yore. 

That  cried  "  Great  PAN  is  dead  !  " 
From  laud  to  land,  from  shore  to  shore, 
Throughout  all  Europe  went  a  roar, 

Increasing  as  it  sped, 
A  bellow  of  tremendous  tone, 
Saying  "  Great  PAM  is  overthrown ! ' 

How  every  despot  did  rejoice, 

When  broke  upon  his  ear 
The  tidings  of  that  welcome  voice, 
The  Minister  of  England's  choice, 

The  statesman  tyrants  fear, 
Proclaiming  hurled  from  place  and  power, 
Now,  thought  they,  is  our  day  and  hour  ! 

KING  BOMBA  tossed  aloft  his  crown, 

Extravagant  in  joy, 
And,  catching  it  in  coming  down, 
Grinned  in  the  manner  of  a  clown, 

And  capered  like  a  boy. 
His  captives'  chains  more  sweetly  clanked, 
Whilst  on  his  knees  his  saints  he  thanked. 

The  POPE  pulled  off  his  triple  hat, 

And  kicked  it  in  his  glee. 
The  Cardinals  all  danced  thereat, 
And  some  intoned  Ltetificat, 

And  others  Jiivat  me. 
The  Jesuits  in  their  several  climes, 
Sang  out  in  doggerel  Latiu  rhymes. 

The  Russian  CZAB  did  manifest 

The  most  extreme  delight, 
Exulting  in  his  inmost  breast, 
He  snapped  his  lingers  at  the  West, 

He  also  took  a  sight. 
His  diadem,  with  gems  enriched,  '• 
He  likewise  at  the  ceiling  pitched. 

KING  CLICQUOT,  when  he  heard  the  news, 

Was  overcome  thereby ; 
His  self-control  it  made  him  lose, 
And  from  his  eyes  glad  tear-drops  ooze, 

For  he  began  to  cry. 
And  then  he.laughed,  and  then  he  cried 
Again,  with  crown  stuck  all  aside. 

Ah,  news  too  happy  to  be  true ! 

All,  transports  premature ! 
Bright  faces  soon  were  changed  to  blue 
Of  clespots,  and  the  priestly  crew, 

Of  triumph  too  secure. 
Anothervoice  from  Kim-land  went, 
And  thundered  o'er  the  Continent. 

Unpleasing  to  a  tyrant's  ear, 

The  British  Public's  shout ; 
For  PALMKUMON,  his  country's  cheer, 
Which  Europe's  tyrants  quake  to  hear ; 

They  find  PAH  won't  go  out ; 
But,  to  their  disappointment  sore, 
Is  stronger  than  he  was  before. 


AN  EXTRAORDINAEY  SNUFF-BOX. 

IT  is  not  sufficiently  considered  that    many  lunatics    may   eiist 
>esidea  those  who  are  in  confinement,  and  may  be  going  about  unsus- 
pected of  insanity.    Here  is  an  advertisement,  evidently  the  compo- 
ition  of  a  disordered  mind,  put,  in  a  freak  of  madneu,  by  some 
unfortunate  person,  into  the  Times: — 

rPO  CABMEN.— LOST,  on  Friday,  the  8th  of  March,  a  GOLD  SNUFF- 
-L  BOX,  of  an  oval  shape,  while  taking  a  gentleman  from  the  Bon*  Guard*  to 

Conuaught    lerracc.      Whosoever   will   restore   the   same   to  

•,  will  receive  THREE  POUNDS  REWARD.    No  furthor  reward  will 


je  offered. 

How  far  gone  in  frenzy  a  man  must  be,  under  what  an  extraordinary 
[elusion  he  must  labour,  to  describe  a  gold  snuff- box  as  taking  a 
x-i-smi  from  plaer  to  jihieo,  and  getting  lost  whilst  so  doing!  There 
probably  existed  in  the  distempered  imagination  of  the  advertiser  a 
strange  jumble  and  confusion  ot  snuff-box  with  pill-box,  and  the  LORD 
MAYOR'S  gilt  coach.  It  is  manifest  that  he  must  be  in  a  very  bad 
way  indeed,  because  there  is  not  any  method,  even,  in  his  inaci. 
nasmuch  as  he  offers  the  ridiculous  reward  of  three  pounds  for  the 
i  Monition  of  a  golden  vehicle  large  enough  to  contain  a  gentleman, 
and  addresses  that  offer  to  cabmen.  Had  he  any  logical  faculty  re- 
maining, he  would  have  offered  at  least  three  thousand  pounds  instead 
of  three. 

Public  safety  demands  that  a  sharp  look-out  should  be  kept  for 
madmen  roaming  at  large.  Strict  directions  have  been  given  that  any 
person  presenting  himself  with  a  frantic  advertisement  Eke  the  above 
at  our  publishing  office,  shall  be  detained  until  his  friends  can  be 
sent  for,  or  else  shall  be  given  into  custody,  in  order  Jto  be  taken 
proper  care  of. 

To  be  sure  the  above  advertisement  may  be  a  hoax,  intended  to  annoy 
the  individual  referred  to  in  it.  If  that  is  the  case,  it  may  perhaps  be 
considered  ascribable  rather  to  silliness  than  raving  delirium. 


MYSTERIOUS  DONATION. 

THE  Newcastle  Chronicle  has  chronicled  a  remarkable  donation,  in 
stating  that 

"  Ma.  EDWARD  KLUOTT,  of  Earsdon.  Builder,  has  presented  a  grindstone  to  the 
North  of  England  Temperance  Bazaar." 

A  grindstone  in  a  bazaar  seems  almost  as  much  out  of  place  as  a 
piano  would  be  in  a  pigsty ;  and  the  relation  of  temperance  to  grind- 
stones is  not  obvious.  North  of  England  blades  are  generally  sharp 
enough;  perhaps  MR.  EDWARD  ELLIOTT  thinks  that  those  of  the 
Temperance  temper  are  exceptions  to  the  rule,  and  has  sent  them  a 
delicate  hint  to  that  effect  in  the  shape',  of  a  grindstone,  avoiding  a 
blunter  method  of  rebuking  their  want  of  sharpness.  Those  who  may 
deem  this  explanation  far-fetched  will  perhaps  be  better  satisfied  with 
the  hypothesis  that  the  gift  was  intended  to  suggest  to  its  recipients 
the  necessity  of  adding  industry  to  temperance,  as  a  symbol  exhorting 
them  to  put  their  noses  to  the  grindstone. 


TOO  HARD  ON  THE  TURF. 

YOUR,  attention  is  invited  to  the  following  sportive  observations  of  a 
sporting  character,  who  calls  himself  "  ARGUS  :  "— 

"  '  Can  Gemma  di  Vergy  beat  Fisherman  f  '  was  asked  quite  as  often  as  the  pro- 
bable result  of  the  elections.  The  llsley  division,  who  put  a  thousand  on  the 
'  Oxford  Hero,'  replied  in  the  affirmative  ;  but  there  were  not  ft  few  who  clung  to  the 
opinion  of  'ARGUS,'  that  ho  would  have  to  play  second  fiddle,  and  I  never  recollect1  * 
Trial'  since  PALMEB'S  which  created  more  interest." 

The  hundred  eyes  of  " ARGUS"  seem  all  as  one;  for  he  writes  like  a 
man  who  has  a  single  eye  to  sport.  We  think  he  does  the  turl 
injustice.  A  trial  of  race-norses  is  not  fairly  comparable  with  such  a 
trial  as  PALMER'S.  In  PALMER'S  trial  murder  was  in  question :  a  horse- 
race cannot  be  worse  than  an  affair  of  roguery. 


"Le   Commencement   de  la  Fin." 

THERE  is  an  old  Screw  who  makes  a  practice  of  staving  off  erenr  con 
tribution  to  any  charitable  cause,  by  saying,  "  No,  Sir ;  my  creed,  Sir 
is, '  charity  begins  at  home/ — I  have  always  made  a  point  of  that,  Sir ! ' 
— "  Yes,"  said  a  Secretary,  who  was  tired  of  asking  him,  "  and  that 
point  is  a  full  stop — for  I  have  noticed  that  your  charity  invariably 
stops  at  the  point  where  it  begins." 

WANTED.— An  Engagement  as  Stage  Manager,  or  to  be  placed  in  a 
position  where  he  can  be  useful  in  arranging  processions,  or  getting  up  Concerts 
or  superintending  the  lighting  of  public  buildings,  or  putting  himself  at  the  head  o 
a  general  illumination.  Can  also  sing,  chaunt,  intone,  or  join  in  chorus  In  a  ver] 
loud  and  approved  manner.  Has  no  objection  to  undertake  for  noblemen  or  gen 
tlcmen  the  management  of  any  amateur  theatricals.  Can  have  a  seven  years'  cha- 
racter from  a  Puscyite  Chapel.— Address  to  CALEB  QUOTEM,  Vestry  Door,  St.  Bar- 
rabbas,  Pimlit-M. 


138 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  4,  1857. 


PUNCH'S 


COMPLETE 

No.  IV. 


TRADESMAN. 


LACTEA,  the  Milkmaid  of  the  Poets,  meefetA  AQUARIA,  the  Milkmaid 
of  Society. 

Lactea.  Whither  away,  sister.  To  the  fields  dost  carry  thy  milking 
pail  on  a  May-day  morning  early  ? 

Aquaria.  Fields  ?    Not  quite  so  green. 

Lactea.  Whither  then,  child  ? 

Aquaria.  I  seek  the  cow  with  the  iron  tail. 

Laclea.  I  never  heard,  good  lack,  of  the  hideous  monster. 

Aquaria.  None  so  hideous,  neither.  There  she  stands,  pretty  crea- 
ture, always  ready  to  (ill  my  pails. 

Lactea.  Child,  that  is  a  Pump. 

Aquaria.  Nobody  's  a  denying  of  it,  in  my  hearing. 

Lactea.  And  thou  would'st  pump  water  into  thy  milk?  Nay,  thou 
dost  but  joke. 

Aquaria.  Come  to  the  pump  and  see  my  water-frolic.  You  are  as 
welcome  as  the  flowers  in  May. 

Lactea.  Those  last  words  signify  that  all  innocence  and  poetry  is 
not  gone  from  thee.  And  yet  thou  would'st  water  thy  milk.  I  have  a 
yearning  to  talk  to  thee  herenn. 

Amaru.  Go  ahead.  Only  it's  as  cheap  sitting  as  standing,  so  I 
will  bring  myself  to  an  anchor  (as  my  cousin  JACK  the  sailor  says)  on 
the  top  of  this  pail. 

Lactea.  Dost  thou  know  what  milk  is  ? 

Aquaria.  Fourpence  a  quart  to  them  as  will  pay  fourpcuce,  and  to 
1  hem  as  don't  sec  it  in  that  light,  tlireepenee. 

Lactea.  I  did  not  mean  the  price,  though  that  astonishes  me.  In 
my  i  imcit  was  one  penny.  But  I  would  ask  thee  of  what  milk  is 
compounded  ? 

Aquaria.  That 's  tellings. 

Lactea.  Nay,  I  gather  thy  meaning,  and  grieve  at  it.  The  milk  thou 
sellest  is  notpure. 

Aquaria.  Well,  on  the  whole,  I  should  rayther  say  it  was  not. 

Lactea.  Dost  know  what  pure  milk  contains  ? 

Aquaria.  Yes,  to  be  sure.  Do  you  think  I'm  a  Nignoramus  ?  I 
learned  it  at  school.  Milk  consists  of  water;  holding  in  solution  casein 
or  cheese,  sugar  of  milk,  various  salts,  and  in  suspension  fatty  matter 
in  the  form  of  myriads  of  semi-opaque  globules,  to  which  the  colour 
and  opacity  of  milk  are  due. 

Lactea.  Did'st  ever  learn  at  school,  also,  two  little  lines,  as  follow  ? 

"  Who  know  what 's  right ;  nor  only  so, 
But  always  practise  what  they  know." 

Aquaria  (her  better  nature  thus  appealed  to,  awakens,  and  she  bunts 
into  a  flood of 'tears) .  Ow — ow — ow — ow — ow. 


Lactea.  It  is  well.  Thou  art  touched  !  Be  comforted  !  Confess 
thy  mal-practices,  and  resolve  to  err  no  more. 

Aquaria  (virtuous  sentiments  gaining  sway).  Yea,  verily,  and  so  I 
will.  And  here  goes.  What  shall  I  begin  with  ? 

Lactea.  Is  there  so  much  to  tell,  my  poor  penitent  ?  Well,  let  me 
know  with  what  thou  dost  adulterate  thy  milk. 

Aquaria.  Chiefly  with  water.  But  also  with  sugar,  including  treacle, 
salt,  annatto,  turmeric,  gum  tragacanth,  soda,  starch,  cerebral  matter — 


Lactea.  A  shorter  word,  pritlirr. 

Aquaria.  Then  brains, — decoction  of  boiled  white  carrots,  chalk,  and 
starch. 

Lactea.  My  stars !    All  the  stars  in  the  Milky  way  ! 

Aquaria.  Yes,  these  things  are  all  used.  Why,  bless  you,  dear, 
figures  show  that  the  number  of  cows  supplying  London  is' not  more 
than  enough  to  provide  each  person  with  one  table-spoonful  a-day.  It 
stands  to  reason,  therefore,  that  the  milk  must  be  made  of  something 
else. 

Lactea.  The  use  of  water  I  comprehend.  It  is  simply  cheating.  But 
why  the  other  substances  ? 

Aquaria.  Because,  if  we  pour  in  such  a  lot  of  water,  as  I  was  just 
now  going  to  do,  but  will  never  do  so  any  more,  so  help  me  never  so 
much  — 

Lactea.  Nay,  avoid  vows,  and  cidtivate  resolution.    Well,  dear  ? 

Aquaria.  I  was  going  to  say  that  the  water  makes  Sky-blue,  and  it 
takes  away  all  the  flavour.  So  we  put  treacle  to  sweeten  the  milk, 
salt  to  bring  out  the  flavour,  and  annatto  to  restore  the  beautiful  rich 
colour. 

Lactea.  And  turmeric  ? 

Aquaria.  That  is  also  a  colouring  matter. 

Lactea.  And  thou  then  didst  mention  Draga  something? 

Aquaria.  Tragacanth — it  thickens  cream,  and  soda  prevents  its 
turning  sour.  As  for  the  starch  and  brains,  the  milk  people  got  con- 
tradictions about  this  stuck  into  the  papers,  but  you  ask  PROFESSOR 
QUECKETT,  who  has  got  pictures  of  what  he  found  in  milk. 

Lactea.  The  frankness  of  thy  confession,  dear  maid,  atones  for  thy 
share  in  the  guilt.  But  let  me  tell  thee  something.  Milk  should  be 
the  most  nutritious  of  food,  and  contain  all  the  elements  for  the 
growth  and  sustenance  of  the  human  body.  Being  a  poet's  creation,  I 
have  a  right  to  foretell  everything,  and  I  foresee  an  invention  by  a 
Frenchman,  MONSIEUR  DONNE,  called  a  Lactoscope,  or  Milk-testerj 
which  will  lay  bare  all  the  frauds  of  which  thou  speakest,  and  will 
show  that  this  rich  liquid  is  utterly  deteriorated  for  the  millions  who 
drink  it. 

Aquaria.  Nay,  I  can  teE  you  something  of  that.  Out  of  twenty-six 
samples  of  London  milk,  fourteen  were  adulterated,  chiefly  with  water, 
at  various  rates,  from  10  to  50  per  cent. 

Lactea.  Fifty !    That  is  one-half  water. 

Aquaria.  Why,  it  must  be  so.  The  farmer  sells  his  milk  to  the 
large  dealers  at  from  Fivepence  to  Sevenpenee  a  gallon,  and  the  small 
dealers  buy  it  at  from  Sevenpenee  to  Ninepence  a  barn-door  gallon. 
A  barn-door  gallon  is — 

Lactea.  Eight  quarts. 

Aquaria.  Just  so,  and  we  sell  it  to  the  people  at  from  Tlireepenee  to 
Fourpence  a  quart.  And  neat  milk  at  Eightpence  a  barn-door  gallon, 
becomes  milk  and  water  at  Fourpence  an  imperial  quart.  Therefore, 
if  my  ciphering  at  school  does  not  deceive  me,  the  retailer  gets,  on 
every  quart,  from  Tenpence  to  a  Shilling. 

Lactea.  Alas,  alas,  and  the  poor  little  children  are  starved  with  the 
mess  with  which  their  parents  think  to  feed  them.  O  A.QUARIA,  think 
ot  the  little  children  whom  you  have  helped  to  cheat,  think — 

[AQUARIA  with  hysterical  outcry  kicks  over  her  pails,  and  in 
violent  pantomime  renounces  the  milk-walk  of  life  for  ever. 


SPORTIVE  BOYHOOD. 

A  HEART-BREAKING  appeal  has  been  made  in  the  Times  for  the 
liberation  of  an  interesting  little  boy  consigned  to  the  dreariness  of  a 
dungeon,  and  the  persecution  of  the  prison  chaplain's  advice,  for— only 
throwing  stones  at  a  railway.  In  tact,  to  throw  stones  at  railways 
is  fast  becoming  a  juvenile  mania,  and  threatens  to  supersede  the 
execution  of  Keemo  Kimo  and  Bobbing  Around.  An  ingenuous  youth, 
aged  fourteen,  by  name  CHARLES  BRAINWOOD,  is  brought  before  MR. 
YARDLEY,  the  magistrate.  CHARLES  has  "  deliberately  hurled  a 
stone  "  at  the  Nortli  London  train.  CHARLES  was  fined  20*.,  but  not 
having  the  money  about  him,  was  committed  to  gaol,  to  be  kept  at  the 
expense  of  the  county,  for  fourteen  days.  We  think  the  sentence  very 
incomplete.  We  think  the  bonds  might  in  such  cases  be  judiciously 
mingled  with  just  a  taste,  a  smack  of  whipcord.  There  is  no  doubt 
that  CHARLES  is  an  impulsive,  hot-headed  youth.  Well,  we  would 
prescribe  the  administration  of  a  little  wholesome  flogging.  After 
this  manner  should  the  hot-headed  boy  be  taught,  past  all  disproof, 
iiow  very  closely  extremes  could  meet. 


A  Saint  at  212". 


SOME  time  ago  we  were  told  that  the  blood  of  St.  Gennaro  would 
not  melt,  and  we  supposed,  at  the  time.that  this  was  owing  to  the 
circumstance  that  it  was  frozen  by  KING  BOMBA'S  atrocities.  If  it  has 
since  liquefied,  it  has  probably  more  than  liquefied,  and  is  now,  with 
indignation  on  account  of  the  abominable  cruelties  of  which  its  despotic 
devotee  is  guilty,  absolutely  boiling. 


APRIL  4,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


139 


• 


SONG    BY    A    CAGED    BIRD. 

The  following  lines  were  found  iii  the  cell  of  a  discharged  convict,  teho 
made  his  way  into  a  chaplain's  heart  by  piety,  and,  subsequent  1 1/,  in/i, 
a  jetoeller's  shop  />ii  burglary.  The  spirit  that  dictated  such  an 
irreverence  with_D\\.  WATTS  is  worthy  of  the  author. 

lAXX'OT    take     my     walks 

abroad, 

1  'm  under  lock  and  kc\, 
And  much  the  public  I  ap- 
plaud, 
For  all  their  care  of  me. 

Not  more  than  Pani 

deserve 
In  fact,  much  less  than 

more, 

Yet  I  have  food  while  Pau- 
pers starve 

And   beg  from  door   to 
door. 

The  honest  Pauper  in  the 

stn 

Half  naked  you  behold, 
While  I  am  clothed  from 

head  to  feet 

And   covered   from   the 
cold. 

While      honest      Paupers 

scarce  can  tell 
Where  they  may  lay  their 

head, 

I  have  a  warm  and  well-aired  cell, 
With  bath-room,  gas,  and  bed. 

While  Paupers  live  on  workhouse  fare, 

A  grudged  aud  scanty  meal, 
My  table  's  spread  \\  it  h  bread  and  beer, 

Aud  beef,  or  pork,  or  veal. 

Then  since  to  honest  folks,  I  say, 
They  put  the  Workhouse  Test, 
Why  nix  my  doll  palls,  fake  away, 

You  '11  like  the  Jug  the  best. 
The  Model  Prison. 


A  ROAR  FROM  THE   HELVETIAN   LION. 

"MR.  PUNCH, 

"  WERE  I  a  guinea-pig,  and  not  a  lion,  I  know  you  would 
listen  to  my  squeak,  if  uttered  in  the  cause  of  truth  and  justice.  It 
is,  however,  a  lion,  the  Lion  of  Helvetia,  that  would,  through  your 
pages,  make  himself  heard  to  the  nations. 

'  That  roar,  the  prowliug  lion's  Here  lam!  ' 

as  your  poet  of  solitude  and  the  mountains,  WILLIAM  WORDSWORTH, 
wrote,  snail  cause  even  the  maniac  of  Naples  to  start  in  his  fastness  of 
Cascrmi,  and  make  him  lift  lu's  shaking  hand  to  his  head  to  know  if 
he  still  wears  a  crown,  aud  if  it  be  of  gold,  and  not  of  straw. 

"  A  week  or  two  since,  Mr.  Punch,  you  penned  an  article,  calling  it 
GESLER'S  HAT.  From  that  article,  as  from  a  bow-string,  you  twanged  a 
shaft  at  the  Helvetian  Lion.  I  will  confess  it,  the  shatt  hit  me.  In 
olden  times,  as  told  by  early  travellers,  lions  have  been  found  skin 
outright  by  the  mortal  quills  of  vengeful  porcupines.  For  myself, 
•«;//,  although  I  bled  a  little,  I  am  not  killed.  Nevertheless,  I 
,-<w  hurt ;  hurt.  Sir,  and  must  give  voice  to  my  sufferings. 

"  You  speak  of  the  Swiss — the  sons  of  the  mountain  and  the 
cataract — who  are  made  the  body-guard  of  tyranny  and  wrong  at 
Naples  and  Rome.  Hirelings  of  homicide — paid  panders  to  the  lust  of 
crime.  Myrmidons  who  dip  their  daily  bread  in  the  blood  and  tears 
of  tortured  truth.  At  the  very  words,  I  feel  a  certain  twitching  of 
the  tail ;  but  1  will  not  lash  myself;  no,  Mr,  Punch,  I  will  be  calan— 
terribly  calm. 

"  For  the  liveried  Swiss  in  the  pay  of  the  POPE  and  the  Ogre  of 
Naples,  I  denounce  them— they  are  no  sons  of  Switzerland:  but 
thieves,  renegades,  wretches ;  abandoned  of  their  country  as  of  their 
conscience.  And  the  time  is  come  tint  the  world  at  large,  or  that 
England  at  least,  should  know  the  evict  condition  of  these  ruffians, 
who  take  the  pay  of  CAIN,  ami  mount  guard  over  the  rack,  and  do 
sentinel's  duty  while  the  victim  of  the  'Carj  of  Silence'  dumbly  dies  in 
this  world,  to  mount  with  an  accusing  shriek  against  his  murderer  in 
the  next. 


"Listen,  Mr.  Punch,  to  a  plain  tale.  In  former  d:i\s,  that  is,  long 
before  the  year  1517,  there  existed  eeitain  .  a  the 

Neapolitan  (lo\  eminent  aud  some  few  of  the  Swiss  Ca!li<>lic  Clintons, — 
when  of  course  the  priests,  as  ji<  :ire,  weie  potent — by 

\irluc,  r,r  wickedness  of  which  capitulations  afoicsaid,  Naples  was 
permitted  to  Mod  e&ralling  agents  or  travelling  niiin-t  rappers  for  the 
enlistment  ,,(  .\onng  Swiss  who  might  prefer  the  hiirh  pay,  and  climate, 
and  maccarom  of  Naples  to  the  noble  pmeity,  the  rugged  independ- 
ence of  the  ncjimtaiti-home  of  Sw  it/.erhmd. 

"Other  Cantons  vehemently  protest ed  against  '  .telling 

for  the  purposes  of  tyranny  and  bloodshed,  hut  protestation  was  all 
they  might  deal  in.  The  Cantonal  (••  .  having  at  the  time 

sovereign  rights,  used  them  as  was  to  In-  expected --ri^ht  sovereignly; 
that  is,  in  defiance  and  contempt  of  their  protesting  neighbours.     And 
so  Naples  continued  to  send  her  old  recruiting  sergeants,  llnvi 
knd  CBUELIT,  to  the  sovereign  Cantons,  to  enlist  the  -lues  who,  for 
good  pay,  would  draw  the   sword  wi!  h   for  any 

atrocity. 

"Well.  .  evision  of  the  federal  pact  in  1847,  and  t  lie  political 

regenerate  nt    thereupon,  it   was  established   by  law  that 

foilh  no  capitulation  or  treaty — open  or  secret — for  man-buving 
for  any  foreign  military  service,  should  be  permitted.  Switzerland 
said—  this  abomination  shall  no  longer  remain.  If  tyranny  will  hire 
its  sanguinary  ilunkeys,  they  shall  depart  from  the  laud  that  misbegot 
them,  denounced  and  accursed.  The  recruiting-sergeant  for  the  guard 
of  honoui  to  the  Papal  gibbet  or  Neapolitan  raek,  if  found  in  Switzer- 
land, should  be  lined  and  imprisoned:  like  pn 
visited  upon  the  sanguinary  flunkeys  themselves — and  many  of  these, 
were,  at  times,  tracked  on  their  road  rejoicing  at  their  preferment  as 
hireling  goalers  and  turnkeys,  and  straightway  brought  back,  and 
straightway  and  severely  chastised. 

"  Of  course,  Mr.  Punch,  you  will  ask — With  these  virtuous  restric- 
tions, how  comes  it  that  Rome  and  Naples  continue  to  have  their 
Swiss  hirelings?  How  is  it  that  Bloodshed  and  Rapine  continue  to 
fill  their  ranks  from  the  children  of  Helvetia?  Why,  Sir,  after  this 
fashion.  In  Lombardy  and  Austria  proper — in  Bregeuz  and  Feld- 
kirch,  for  instance— ^offices  are  opened  for  the  enlistment  of  Roman 
ruffians  and  Neapolitan  cut-throats  on  hire.  These  offices  are  in  the 
immediate  neighbourhood  of  the  Swiss  frontiers — how  easy,  then,  is  it 
for  the  drunkard,  the  brawler,  the  good-for-nothing,  the  sheer  idler, 
the  ruined  gambler,  the  scamp  of  all  trades,  to  take  enlistment  monev 
of  the  recruiting-sergeants  accredited  by  the  Fisherman  of  Rome,  and 
the  Gaoler  of  Naples  ? 

"  Dear  Mr.  Punch,  believe  me,  that  of  such,  and  only  of  such,  are 
the  soul  and  body  guards — (how  little  their  souls  shall  have  been  pro- 
tected will  be  shown  at  the  terrible  season,) — of  POPE  Pius  and  KINO 
FERDINAND.  For  know  we  not  the  butcner  by  the  redness  of  his 
hands  ?  At  Naples,  the  Swiss  guards  have  the  highest  pay,  and  most 
indulgent  licence  in  unlimited  vice.  The  more  brutalised  the  agent, 
the  fitter  for  brute  service.  The  Christians  were  given  to  the  .beasts. 
Patriots  are  flung  to  the  Swiss ! 

"  But  Switzerland !  Does  she  acknowledge  these  recreants  ?  No : 
they  are  her  degraded,  disobedient  children.  She  has  lost  power  over 
them.  They  are  her  prodigal  sons,  never  to  be  softened  by  remorse. 
One  act,  I  grant.  Switzerland  — in  consideration,  of  her  own  wounded 
honour,  smitten  by  parricidal  hauds-^one  act,  the  country  might  yet 
in  self-vindication  perform.  Let  her  immediately  pronounce  sentence 
of  civil  death  upon  every  Swiss  serving  at  Naples  or  Rome.  What- 
ever the  Swiss  guards  may  be  in  the  eyes  of  king  or  POPE,  let  them  be 
no  other  than  so  many  living  anatomies,  civilly  dead,  in  tie  nostrils  of 
Switzerland. 

"  I  have  the  honour  to  remain,  Mr.  Punch, 
"  With  every  consideration, 

"Lucerne,  March  28."  "THE  HELVETIAN  LION." 


CAVE,  CANIS! 

A  FRIEND  at  Aldershot  apprises  us  of  the  gratifying  fact  that  Edu- 
cation must  have  spread  not  only  among  the  military,  but  among 
another  class  of  faithful  defenders  of  our  homes.  He  states  that  some- 
where near  the  Camp  he  has  read  this  notice : — 
"LOUNGERS,  AND  DOGS,  ARE  HEBEBY  WARNED  OP?  THESE  PREMISES." 

Of  course,  unless  the  second  named  parties  could  understand  this 
notice,  it  would  be  ridiculous  to  address  it  to  them,  and  we  gladly 
announce  the  news  that  in  Surrey  the  dogs  can  read. 


The  Sea  Brought  to  London. 

THERE  is  a  magnificent  proposition,  well-argued,  in  the  Lancet,  to 
make  the  Serpentine  a  salt-water  lake,  by  moving  the  monster  ocean 
—as  Orpheus  moved  his  monsters— by  pipes  to  London.  Should  the 
removal  take  place,  it  is  understood  that  all  Henie  Bav  will  imme- 
diately come  to  town,  and  settle  by  the  sad  sea  waves  in  Hyde  Park. 


140 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Ai-uiL  4,  1857. 


GENERAL    VIEW    OF    A    GENERAL    ELECTION. 

The  Pots  accuse  the  Kettles  of  Blackness,  and  tlte  Public  goeth  at  it  Hammer  and  Tongs. 


BUCHANAN    TO    BUNCOMBE. 

MET.  BUCHANAN'S  Inaugural  Address  as  President  of  the  United  States  will 
be  read  with  much  satisfaction,  and  some  amusement.  It  contains  a  few  funny 
things :  here  is  one  of  them,  relative  to  the  evils  of  disunion  :— 

"  These  I  shall  not  attempt  to  portray,  because  I  feel  a  humble  confidence  that  the  kind  Pro- 
vidence which  inspired  our  fathers  with  wisdom  to  frame  the  most  perfect  form  of  government 
and  union  over  devised  by  man,  will  not  suffer  it  to  perish  until  it  shall  have  been  peacefully 
instrumental  by  its  example  in  the  extension  of  civil  and  religions  liberty  throughout  the  world." 

Of  course  MR.  BUCHANAN  does  not  mean  to  say  that  he  expects  the  American 
constitution  not  to  perish  till  civil  and  religious  liberty  shall  have  been  universally 
established,  and  then  to  perish.  The  fun  of  the  above  passage  lies  in  the  idea  of 
an  example  of  civil  liberty  set  by  a  constitution  which  maintains  slavery.  Certainly 
there  is  no  inconsistency  in  this  idea  of  MR.  BUCHANAN'S,  if  he  considers  that 
Negroes  are  not  human  beings,  but  brute  animals.  But  then,  in  another  part  of 
his  address,  he  calls  slavery  an  institution.  Now  we  do  not,  neither  do  Americans, 
talk  of  the  institution  of  horse-keeping,  and  horse-breeding,  and  horse-driving. 
Studs  and.  teams  are  not  termed  institutions  on  either  side  of  the  Atlantic. 
Marriage  is  an  institution,  if  MR.  BUCHANAN  likes ;  and  slavery  may  be  denomi- 
nated an  institution  too,  if  the  subjects  of  the  latter  yoke,  like  those  of  the  former, 
are  to  be  acknowledged  as  men  and  women.  But,  even  by  American  licence  of 
speech,  the  word  institution  is  inapplicable  to  an  arrangement  relative  to  mere 
beasts.  If  slavery  is  an  institution,  slaves  are  men ;  and  when  their  masters  talk 
about  setting  an  example  of  civil  liberty  they  must  be  understood  as  addressing 
all  such  discourse  to  BUNCOMBE. 


The  Bilky  Way. 

WE  have  already  alluded  to  the  Lancet's  statement  that  there  is  something 
serious  the  matter  with  the  Cows  of  London,  and  may  add  that  the  Government 
has  taken  measures  to  prevent  further  mischief.  It  is  probable  that  the  taking 
up  so  many  streets  has  disturbed  the  wells,  but  this  is  merely  a  temporary  incon- 
venience, and  a  commission  of  respectable  ironmongers  can  speedily  repair  any- 
thing else  that  is  out  of  order  in  the  quarter  affected.  There  is  no  reason  to 
suppose  that  the  supply  of  milk  will  be  diminished. 


THE   GUILDHALL   POEMS; 

BEING    EPIGRAMS   WRITTEN    ON    HATS 

By  excited  Electors  of  London,  at  tlie  close  of  the  I'M 
on  Saturday. 

i. 

DICTATORIAL  MISTEK  DILLON, 
He  thought  to  cast  a  chill  on 
The  fortunes  of  our  gallant  little  Lord ; 
But  the  plucky  little  soul 
Is  third  upon  the  poll, 
And  DILLON  and  his  clique  are  floored. 

2. 

In  figure  no  doubt  he  is  dwarfish, 
But  still  he  has  beaten  the  pack, 
And  the  Vuck,1  and  the  Curry?  and  Crawfish? 
Are  less  to  our  taste  than  the  Jack.4 

3. 

They  've  learned  this  lesson  in  a  hurry, 

Bullying  electors  ain't  no  use, 
We  've  peppered  MR.  DILLON'S  curry, 

And  likewise  cooked  MR.  DILLON'S  goose. 

4. 

Hurrah,  hooray, 

LORD  JOHN  will  whop, 
And  the  clique  may  bray, 

And  shut  up  shop ! 

5. 

0  DILLY,  don't,  another  time, 
Be  so  uncommon  rash  : 

You  thought  you  'd  make  a  CURRIE, 
But  you  only  made  a  hash. 

6. 
Highty  tighty,  our  man  JOHN 

Worri't  a  going  to  be  put  upon. 
Cast  him  off  or  keep  him  on, 
He 's  a  brick  is  our  man  JOHN. 

7. 

In  spite  of  all  your  blustering  placards, 
This  here  "  RAIKES'  Progress  "  is  all  backards. 

8. 
Hooray,  hoo 

[No.  Eoery  thing  has  a  limit.  Mr.  Punch  fully  sympa- 
thises with  his  fellow-citizens  in  their  delight  at 
their  old  friend's  victory  over  insolent  dictation,  but 
must  decline  publishing  any  more  of  the  Hymns  of 
Triumph  pouring  in  upon  himl\ 

1  This  means  SIR  JAMES  DUKE. 

3  This  means  MR.  RAIKES  CURRIE. 

3  This  means  MR.  CRAWFURD. 

<  Joke  on  another  dish,  the  pike  or  jack. 


•  JESUITS  ON  THE  AUSTRIAN  STAGE. 

DURING  the  absence  of  the  EMPEROK  OF  AUSTRIA  on 
his  Italian  tour,  the  Jesuits  of  Vienna  resolved  to  reform 
the  legs  of  the  dancers.  As  Lady  Lambert  bought  a  piece 
of  thick  muslin,  inasmuch  as  the  very  sight  of  Charlotte's 
neck  offended  Doctor  Caniwell,  so  did  the  Jesuits,  out 
of  self-modesty,  thickly  clothe  the  legs  of  the  Viennese 
dancers.  Since  the  return,  however,  of  the  EMPEROR,  the 
"  leggings  "  have  been  discontinued.  It  is  said  that,  put  of 
pure  gratitude  to  the  intervention  of  the  patron  saint  of 
the  ballet,  the  young  ladies  are  about  to  go  in  solemn  pro- 
cession to  offer  up  the  discontinued  "  continuations  "  at  the 
shrine  of  St.  Vitus. 


A  New  Work  of  Art. 

ONE  of  the  lineal  descendants  of  MR.  CATJDLE  (requiescat 
in  pace  /)  has  written  to  MR.  PETER  CUNNINGHAM  to  say 
that  he  has  a  wife,  who  is  "  a  perfect  treasure,"  and  that  he 
shall  be  only  too  happy  to  send  her  to  the  Collection  of 
Art  Treasures  at  Manchester,  upon  the  condition  of  the 
Committee  guaranteeing  to  take  every  care  of  her  until 
such  period  as  the  Exhibition  closes.  And,  even  if  the 
Exhibition  should  become  a  permanent  one,  MR.  CAUDLE 
begs  that  the  Committee  will  not  think  of  distressing 
themselves  about  sending  "  the  Treasure  "  home  again. 


Printed  by  Willl.m  Bradbury,  ol  No.  13,  Coper  Wobnrn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullet  Evan»,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Koad  West.  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pane: 
Printers,  at  their  Office  m  Lombard  Street,  In  the  Precinct  of  Wkitefnars,  in  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Par 
London.— SAIU  BDAI,  April  4,  l".bi. 


Tan,  tn  the  Connty  of  Middlesex. 
Parish  ol  St.  Bride,  In  the  City  of 


APRIL  11,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


141 


THE    "RECORD"    ON    THE    TURF. 


fc/8fi 


my  droll  it  is  to  meet 
with  a  fast  man  in  a 
suit  of  black  and  a 
white  choker!  Equally 
funny  was  it  to  us  to 
meet,  the  other  day, 
with  the  subjoined  pas- 
sage in  the  liecord. 
The  subject  referred  to 
is  LORD  DERBY'S  view 
of  matters  clerical : — 

"  To  say  nothing  of  the 
logical  soundness  or  moral 
dignity  of  such  asche  me,  the 
Noble  Earl  ought  to  fcm.w 
that  no  problem  of  the  Turl 
— where  the  books  have  to 
be  made  up  among  a  dozen 
favourites — is  half  so  com- 
plex as  his  simple  plan  for 
securing  a  safe  and  sensible 
style  of  Churchmaniilnp  and 
Church  patronage,  by  strik- 
ing an  average  among  all 
the  actual  opinions,  and 
thus  avoiding  the  risk  of 
perilous  extremes." 

Ill  the  above  passage  we  think  we  recognise  a  literary  clergyman  who  exhibits  a  familiarity 
v.ith  a  sort  of  book-making  very  different  from  the  composition  of  sermon-books  and  tracts. 
We  hail  the  appearance  of  a  sporting  parson  in  the  liecord.  He  will  much  enliven  the 
columns  of  our  serious  contemporary.  Who  can  ht  be  ?  The  REV.  Mil.  ARGUS,  or  the  REV. 
Mil.  VAXES  P— if  so,  what  are  his  prophetical  views  of  the  approaching  Epsom  ?  No  doubt, 
he  knows  as  much  about  the  Derby  of  that  ilk,  as  he  does  ot  the  noble  leader  of  the  Oppo- 
sition. He  can  probably  give  us  accurate  information  respecting  Gemma  di  Vergy  and 
Fisherman,  anil  is  capable  of  talking  by  the  card  of  DORLING.  At  the  celebration  of  the 
great  national  horse-race  we  expect  that  he  will  occupy  a  good  place  on  the  betting-stand,  or 
at  least  will  be  stationed  on  the  outside  of  a  drag  at  a  distance  not  remote  from  Tattenham's 
Corner.  We  wonder  if  he  is  versed  in  the  canine,  fistic,  and  other  departments  of  sport, 
or  wlicl her  the  Turf  is  his  speciality  ? 

Most  likely,  his  attention  is  restricted  to  one  line :  the  Record  would  hardly  stand  a 
contributor  whose  taste  in  sport  was  catholic. 


SUBJECTS  FOR  SPECULATION. 

THE  prospectus  of  the.  Kuipurio  Italian*/,  after 
asking  "  \\  hit  is  tin-  world?"  and  kindly  telling 
us  thai  it  is  nothing  but  "a  huge  market  open 
to  speculation,"  proceeds  to  say  : — 

"  People  speculate  on  positions  a»  they  do  on  corn.  One 
man  «|K;nil;itL-s  '.ii  the  greenucssof  his  neighbour,  another 
on  hia  ignorance." 

The  "greenness"  of  our  neighbours  is  cer- 
tainly the  largest  Held  of  speculation  \\r  ever 
heard  of.  But  we  fancy  there  arc  speculators 
who  work  both  on  the  "greenness"  ami  the 
"ignorance"  of  their  neighbours.  If  we  are 
not  mistaken,  we  think  the  Directors  of  the 
British  Bank  speculated  largely  in  both  ways. 
But  perhaps  by  this  time.  Mil.  APSIfl  I'l  UAT1 
has  recovered  his  recollection,  and  so  we  will 
refer  the  sprculatiu1  question  to  him.  As  one 
of  the  large  dealers  in  the  "  huge  market  of 
speculation,"  probably  he  can  inform  us  how 
many  sheep  and  geese  were  annually  sold, 
slaughtered,  and  plucked  there  ?  He  need  onlv 
give  us  an  approximate  number,  for  we  are  well 
aware  that  the  Directors  of  the  British  Rank 
were  not  over  particular  to  a  hundred  or  two. 


The   Grammar   of  Ornament. 

"Do  you  mean  to  say,  Doctor.  I  hat  the  ladies 
are  more  positive  than  the  men  ''.  " 

"  Comparat  ivcly  speaking  they  may  be,  Madam, 
but  then  again  the  ladies  are  far  more  superla- 
tive than  the  men." 

[The  above  pretty  extract  from  the  "  Gram- 
mar of  Ornament"  was  overheard  at  a 
wedding-breakfast  in  the  City. 


OUR  CITY  ARTICLE.— CURRIE  lias  been  done 
in  the  City  at  a  very  low  figure. 


HEAVY  BODIES. 

MONSIEUR  BABINET  tells  us  that  the  earth,  after  recent  determina- 
tions of  its  compactness,  is  equivalent  to  a  weight  of 

"  6,000,000,000,000.000,000,000,000  de  kilogrammes.  Cela  fait  six  mille  milliard*  de 
milliards  de  tonnes." 

This  may  be  true  or  not,  for  it  is  not  in  the  power  of  every  one  to 
take  the  world  in  his  hand,  and  weigh  it  like  an  orange,  as  easily  as 
an  astronomer.  However,  we  only  record  the  above  weighty  conclu- 
sion in  order  to  put  upon  paper  our  melancholy  misgivings  that  the 
Parliament  about  to  assemble  will  be  not  less  heavy  than  the  earth 
itself,  and  our  misgivings  are  founded  upon  the  fact  of  the  inordinate 
number  of  ciphers  it  will  contain.  PALMEKSTON,  of  course,  repre- 
sents, as  above  indicated,  the  unit  6,  which  gives  to  the  long  tail  of 
zeros  that  are  running  after  him  the  only  value  that  they  have ;  besides, 
it  is  no  exaggeration  to  say,  that  PALMEHSTON,  as  measured  by  the  other 
members,  is  well  worth  any  half-dozen  of  them. 


POLITICAL  ABSENTEEISM. 

BY  the  general  choice,  or  election,  of  the  country,  MR.  COBDEN'S 
small  tea-party  has  been  made  a  thorough  case  of  tea  and  turn-out. 
Purely  through  an  accident  the  Yehs  'had  it"  in  the  House;  but 
upon  appeal  that  judgment  is  reversed,  and  the  Ex-Member  for  the 
Hiding,  m  the  losing  of  his  seat,  is  saddled  with  the  costs.  Those  who 
thought  that  MR.  COBDEN  was  going  the  whole  hog  in  his  censure  of 
JOHN  BULL,  and  his  defence  of  the  Chinese,  have  been  verified  in 
finding  him  an  out-and-outer. 

But  Punch  is  not  so  gallinaceous  as  to  crow  over  a  defeat  like  that 
of  RICHARD  COHDEN.  With  all  his  dislike  to  the  Chinese  Protec- 
tionist, Punch  cannot  lose  remembrance  of  the  English  Freetrader. 
We  all  have  our  weak  points,  and  a  man  of  such  mettle  as  RICHARD 
COBDEN  proved  himself  in  1840,  may  be  excused  for  showing  a  few 
flaws  some  ten  years  later.  Therefore  Punch  is  not  so  chuckle-headed 
as  to  raise  a  chuckle  over  COBDEN'S  expulsion  from  the  House,  how- 
ever much  he  may  hurrah  to  find  no  echo  in  the  country  to  the  voice  of 
the  Ex-Member  on  the  China  question.  Although  considering  the 
break-np  of  the  tea-party  with  unmixed  satisfaction,  Punch  can  but 
feel  regret  at  the  dismemberment  of  those  who  have  been  turned  out 


for  belonging  to  it :  to  whose  memory  he  trusts  that  the  new  Parlia- 
ment will  pay  a  fitting  tribute,  by  a  vote  of  its  condolence  with  the 
Absent  Teas. 


Theory  and  Practice. 

MR.  LA  YARD  has  been  politely  shown  the  door  at  Aylesbnry.  Will 
the  honourable  discoverer  of  Assyrian  and  English  bulls  be  inclined 
to  look  upon  this  as  the  best  illustration  of  his  own  injunction  to  put 
"  the  right  man  in  the  right  place ! "  The  illustration  strikes  us  as 
being  both  personal  and  out-of-the-way,  but  what  says  MR.  LAYARD  ? 

[ADVERTISEMENT.] 

PHILHARMONIC  SOCIETY.— A  few  Candidates  for  election  may 
-t  applv.  No  testimonials  wanted,  as  the  qualification  now  recognised  is  the 
member's  being  known  to  nobody,  and  having  done  nothing.  To  save  trouble,  no 
person  who  has  had  the  bad  taste  to  obtrude  himself  upon  public  attention,  as 
composer  or  executant,  need  apply,  as  rejection  will  certainly  ensue.  To  quiet 
members  of  suburban  quartette  societies,  to  teachers  of  music  in  ladies'  schools,  and 
to  organists  in  retired  districts,  an  opportunity  now  offers.  Late  elections  afford  the 
best  guarantee  against  members  of  the  Philharmonic  Society  being  insulted  or 
annoyed  by  the  admission  of  what  are  termed  celebrities.  Preliminary  applications, 
to  be  signed  \erno,  Outis.  Hcbts.  or  some  equivalent  syuonyme,  may  be  delivered  at 
the  Society's  Rooms,  after  dark.  N.B.  A  few  cracked  Fiddles  wanted. 


VOL.   XXXIT. 


14'J 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


11,  1857. 


Mr.  Punch  (mysteriously).  "  Now  WHAT  WOULD  you  LIKE  ?    SAY  A  TITLE — 
SAY  THE  ORDER  OF  THE  THISTLE/" 


MARY    ANN'S    NOTIONS. 

"  MY  DEAB  MB.  PUSCH, 

"  Poon  dear  Papa  has  been  beaten,  and  I  need  hardly  say 
that  '  election '  is  a  tabooed  word  in  our  house.  Dear  old  thing,  he 
had  set  his  mind  upon  coming  in,  but  I  suppose  the  bribery  money  he 
advanced  was  not  enoughj  or  it  was  stolen  by  the  attorneys,  or 
bankers,  or  somebody.  It  is  very  ridiculous  that,  if  votes  are  to  be 
bought,  there  is  not  some  office  or  place  where  the  money  could  be 
paid  in  and  a  candidate  be  sure  it  gets  to  the  right  hands.  However, 
the  thing  is  done,  and  Papa  has  returned  to  town  as  savage  as  possible, 
and  though  Mamma  and  me  do  our  best  not  to  annoy  him  by  the  least 
reference  to  the  subject,  AUGUSTUS  is  not  so  considerate,  and  is 
always  talking  about  this  man  being  floored,  and  that  man  having 
a  squeak  for  it  (a  rat,  I  suppose),  and  the  other  man  pulling  up  like 
one  o'clock ;  and  Papa  winces  ;  and,  what  is  worse,  I  should  not 
wonder  if  we  had  to  economise  at  Hastings,  or  some  such  horrible 
place,  lliis'year,1  instead  of  going  to  Vienna.  And  now  I  have  told 
you  all,  1  remember  that  I  never  told  you  that  Papa  was  going  to  offer 
himself,  but  you  know  that  he  was  always  Parliamentary  in  his  mind, 
and  the  other  night  he  was  hurried  off  by  the  night  train,  and  in  the 
morning  his  Address  came  up  to  us — such  nonsense,  but  just  like  the 
others  in  the  newspapers— pledging  himself  to  do  a  lot  of  things 
without  committing  himself  to  a  lot  of  other  things.  I  wish  he  had 
kept  his  money,  and  taken  us  to  Vienna — as — no,  I  won't  tell  you  who 
said,  because  you  made  fun  one  week2 — but,  as  Somebody  said,  the 
Prater  there  is  a  much  pleasanter  neighbourhood  than  that  of  the 
praters  at  Westminster.3 

"Well,  your  precious  General  Election  is  over,  and  now  what 
next?  What  is  the  good  of  all  the  hubbub,  and  extravagance, 
and  bribery,  and  canting,  and  rioting,  and  drinking  beer  ?  Will 
there  be  any  new  laws  made  with  any  sense  in  them,  or  will  the 
new  Parliament  go  on  talking  rubbish  and  quarrelling  factiously  in 
the  way  you  expose  every  week— and  I  only  wish,  by  the  way,  that 
you  would  let  me  write  that  Essence  of  Parliament*  which  you  do 
not  make  half  severe  enough,  and, — but  the  fact  is  that  you  are  afraid 
to  call  persons  by  their  right  names,  and,  if  you  think  a  Member  is  a 
fool  or  a  knave,  why  don't  you  tell  him  so  ? 5  Men  are  dreadful 
cowards,  and  I  always  said  it. 

"  I  suppose  that  among  the  ridiculous  laws  that  will  be  made,  some- 
body will  pass  a  liill  for  putting  down  .witches  and  fortune-tellers.  I 
see  a  good  deal  about  it  in  the  papers,  and  the  subject  is  being  'venti- 
lated,' as  Papa  says,  before  it  is  taken  up.  What  has  set  your  wise- 
acres upon  the  matter,  is  a  trial  I  read,  where  a  wizard  got  twenty-two 
pounds  for  imbewitching  a  farmhouse ;  and  because  this  was  a  cheat, 


the  police  will  proclaim  war  against  every  poor  old  creature  that  tells 
fortunes.  Of  course,  if  a  woman  offers  to  intercede,  there  will  be  a 
chorus  of  indignation,  and  intellectual  young  men  will  sniff  out  their 
contempt,  declaring  that  by  Jove  they  believe  that  the  idiots  (jus)  put 
faith  in  a  dirty  old  wretch  with  a  dirty  pack  of  cards.  I  should  like  to 
know  which  is  the  simplest,  us,  or  gentlemen  who  believe  in  secret 
int'ormatiun  about  horse-racing  that  they  write  for  to  thieves  who 
advertise  '  tips.'  Are  these  people  so  clever,  and  do  they  give  such 
correct  information  in  return  for  money  ?  Why  the  old  women  that 
tell  you  that  you  will  marry  a  fair  man,  and  have  children,  and  go  a 
journey,  and  receive  a  letter,  and  be  deceived  in  a  pretended  friend, 
and  find  a  friend  in  a  quarter  you  had  no  expectations  from,  cannot 
cheat  half  so  much  as  trie  wretches  that  advise  you  to  consult  them,  as 
they  have  a  safe  thing  for  the  Derby ;  and  we  are  not  half  such  idiots 
as  vou  arc  to  believe  in  the  secrets  of  creatures  \vlio  lodge  over  stables 
and  in  back-streets  in  Clerkenwell,  and  yet  can  help  you  to  fortunes.6 

"  I irsides,  if  there  is  no  such  thing  as  witchcraft,  the  pretending  to 
it  can  do  no  harm,7  and  if  there  is,  you  may  be  quite  sure  that  it  is  not 
by  the  wise  men  of  Westminster  that  it  will  be  put  down.  I  do  not  pre- 
tend to  say  what  I  believe,"  but  all  the  wisest  and  best  men  of  past 
ages  were  superstitious,9  as  you  call  it;  and  even  SIR  WAITER  SCOTT, 
whose  mind  was  a  good  deal  stronger,  I  suppose,  than  the  minds  of 
most  of  the  men  of  the  present  day  (also  NAPOLEON),  believed  in 
ghosts  and  things.10  And  if  you  go  to  church,  which  1  hope  you  do, 
you  must  hear  constantly  that  the  Jews  had  witches  and  wizards,  and 
though  that  is  a  long  time  ago,  truth  can  never  die."  And  some  people 
whom  I  know  have  had  the  most  extraordinary  things  told  them  t>y 
fortune-tellers  who  had  not  the  least  knowledge  of  them  beforehand, 
and  I  could  tell  you  that  to  a  young  lady  of  my  own  acquaintance,  who 
was  married  last  year,  a  woman  predicted  something  that  came  exactly 
true ;  how  she  would  go  a  journey,  and  lose  something  she  valued,  and 
have  a  quarrel  about  it,  which  would  not  be  made  up  until  something 
else  which  she  particularly  wished  for  had  happened,  and  it  came  true 
to  the  letter,  for  they  went  to  Ramsgate,  and  she  lost  one  of  her 
bracelets  in  a  bathing-machine,  and  her  husband  never  ceased  to  tor- 
ment her  about  it  until  her  baby  was  born,  when  he  gave  her  a  much 
more  beautiful  one.  Besides,  I  could  tell  yon  of  other  things,  of  a 
more  serious  kind,  that  have  been  revealed  in  the  same  way.12  The  only 
strong  argument  which  any  of  you  men  bring  forward  against  the  for- 
tune-tellers is,  that  they  are  poor  and  live  in  penury,  but  this  is  a  very 
vulgar  objection,  and  just  like  Mammon  worshippers,  who  would  not 
believe  ill  a  diamond  unless  it  was  in  a  gold  setting ;  and  besides,  how 
do  you  know  that  they  are  poor  ?  Perhaps  they  only  pretend  to  be, 
and  this  is  the  reason  they  live  in  such  obscure  places,  and  to  avoid 
the  persecution  of  the  laws. 

"  I  do  not  mean,  of  course,  that  servant-girls  and  creatures  of  that 
kind  ought  to  be  encouraged  to  go  to  these  women,  and  get  their  heads 
full  of  nonsensical  ideas  that  they  are  the  children  of  gentlemen,  and 
are  to  marry  noblemen  with  coaches-aud-six,  making  them  unfit  for 
their  stations  and  duties,13  and  squandering  the  money  which  they  had 
better  put  in  the  Savings'  Bank,  and  not  waste  upon  imitations  of  the 
dress  of  their  betters,  because  letting  such  people  go  to  fortune-tellers 
does  more  harm  than  good ;  but  as  to  saying  that  a  lady  who  consults 
a  fortune-teller  is  on  that  account  a  fool,  or  the  poor  old  woman  ought 
to  be  sent  to  prison,  that  is  just  one  of  the  pieces  of  impertinence  and 
oppression  on  the  part  of  men  which  make  me  so  angry  that  I  could 
throw  things  about  the  room." 

"  Yours,  affectionately, 

"  MARY  ANN." 


1  Hustings  is  by  no  means  a  horrible  place,  if  you  got  ou  the  high  part,  and  away 
from  the  abominable  and  deleterious  sceuts  of  the  beach. 

3  Just  so,  aud  silence  about  a  persou  is  often  more  suspicious  than,  talking  about 
him. 

3  An  uutravelled  young  Englishman's  joke — the  Viennese  park  is  not  pronounced 
prayter — but  CHARLEY'S  wit  may  pass. 

4  Feminine  effrontery.    .The  other  day  you  were  only  too  proud  if  an  occasional 
letter  from  you  were  admitted.     Know  your  station.  Miss. 

I  We  do,  but  not  in  the  dialect  of  the  Gate  of  Billing. 

6  Without  prejudice  to  the  severe  remarks  which  we  are  about  to  make,  we  may 
observe  that  this  is  exceedingly  just  and  true,  and  CHARLES  HAMERTON  basevidently 
helped  you  to  the  tact  and  to  the  argument. 

7  All  shams  do  some  harm,  which  is  why  Punch  murders  so  many  that  lie  would 
otherwise  leave  to  die. 

8  You  don't  know  what  you  believe,  goosey. 

9  No  such  thing.  • 

10  What  do  you  mean  by  things?    Besides,  SIR  W,  SCOTT  believed  in  nothing  of 
the  kind.     NAPOLEON  was  superstitious,  as  all  irreligious  men  are,  the  difference, 
between  a  rational  and  an  irrational  faith  being  thus  illustrated. 

II  Come,  come,  nonsense  like  this  is  unwurtby  of  you.  child. 

12  Wonderful ! 

13  Then  truth  is  kept  for  ladies,  and  falsehood  tor  menials.    Arc  you  not  ashamed 
of  yourself? 

u  JVlAKY  AN.V,  porpend.  This  is  not  merely  a  ridiculous  letter,  but  one  which 
argxies  a  disturbed  state  of  mind.  Our  conviction  is  that  you,  accompanied  by  some 
foolish  matron  of  your  acquaintance  (the  sooiiur  you  quarrel  the  better)  have  been 
visiting  one  of  the  impostors  who  pretend  to  tell  fortunes.  Prompted,  secretly,  by 
your  friend,  the  old  humbug  has  hinted  HAMERTON,  and  you  are  in  the  Seventh 
Heaven,  and  hence  this  flood  of  nonsense.  Now,  as  we  happen  to  have  discovered 
the  real  name  of  tlie  gentleman  you  call  HAMKR  ION,  and  as  we  know  that  his  father 
has  better  views  for  him,  we  have  written  to  the  old  man,  and  you  will  see,  by  the 
result,  whether  your  witch  is  to  be  trusted.  It  is  with  pain  that  we  make  an 
example  of  you,  but  it  is  our  duty  to  thousands  of  other  girls.  Look  out  ! 


11,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


143 


THE     LITTLE    WALL    OF    CHINA. 

HK  Great  Wall  of  China 
having  proved  insufficient  to 
protect  that  iutrivsiiii'j-  and 
inoffensive  nation  from  the 
inroads  and  encroachments 
of  the  Outside  I'arbarians, 
another  line  of  defences  has 
been  recently  set  up  in  (In- 
line of  policy  pursued  by 
the  C'II.IHA'  and  -  Disuu:- 
The  formal  iou'of  tlii-. 
structure  was  completed  in 
the  lobby  of  the  Kuglish 
IloiM'  oi'  Commons, 

-.'clock,    A.M.,   Oil    \\  ed- 
uesday,  the  4th   of  March: 
it   may  si-cm, 
iinilding   is    alleged    to 
been    wholly    wit  hunt 
•  r  previous  contrivance. 
\^     is     recounted    to    have 
\\ith    the    Aichi- 
tn-tural  Atoms    of   the    /.'<• 
tresses,  certain 

"  — —  Casual  bricks,  in  airy 

climb, 
Encountered     casual     horsehair, 

casual  lime;"* 

her  for  the  'time'  by  a  species  of  cohesion  not  in  any 

way  to  In-  mistaken  for  the  mortar  of  a  coalition,  but  at  any  rate  par- 
taking somew  hal.  of  the  nature  of  a  Roman— or  at  least  Tractarian— 

The  erection  of  this  barrier  to  the  brutalities  of  the  British  ! 

.  thought  to  do  much  credit  to  its  builders  ;  und  it  probably 
will  not  be  able  long  to  stand  Bj  ram  of  popular 

opinion,  hi  fact,  it  may  be  questioned  if  the  "  atoms"  who  concurred 
in  getting  up  the  Little  \\all  of  China,  will  not  find  that  they  have 
merely  made  a  wall  for  their  own  heads  to  run  again.4. 

*  Nob  (not  by  ME.  GLADSTONE,  but  plagiarily  like  him).  It  is  hoped  the  reader 
will  appreciate  the  subtlety  of  this  quotation,  and  observe— (1),  That  the  term 
*'bricks''  is  of  course  to  be  ironically  construed  :  (2),  That  the  "airy  climb"  was 
to  obtain  a  seat  in  Ministerial  high  places:  and  (3),  That  the  "horsehair"  is  of 
legal  significance. 


PUNCH'S   COMPLETE   TRADESMAN. 

No.  V. 

MR.  CKOTOX,  the  Chemist,  enters  his  shop  from  the  street,  followed  by 
his  Apprentice,  MR.  POTASH.  A  new  Apprentice,  from  Wales, 
MR.  DAVID  GLYCYUHHIZEN,  is  behind  the  counter. 

Mr.  Crolon.  Well,  that 's  over,  and  I  think  we  'vc  got  off  much 
better  than  could  have  been  expected.   The  magistrate  took  an  emulsive 
\ie\\   of  the  ease,  and  I  am  sure  you  will  not  make  such  a  mistake 
,  MR.  POTASH. 

Mr.  /'u.'itx/..  No,  it  was  deuced  stupiil  and  awkward.  I  can't  ac- 
count for  it,  1  'm  banged  if  I  can. 

.  Crolon.  1  have  some  inkling"  of  'the  truth.  DAVY,  let  it  be  a 
warning:  to  you  never  to  gossip  with  a  pretty  customer  while  you  are 
serving  another  person,  or  you  may  put  up  arsenic  for  arrow-root,  as 
POTASH  has  done,  and  seat  the  Coroner  upon  a  whole  family. 

David  (a  slightly  conventional  type).  Odds  splutter  hur  uails,  bur 
will  heed  that  hnrselt. 

Mr-.  Pot/mil.  Anything  sold  during  our  absence  ? 

David.  'Deed  truth,  no.  \e>,  py  the  soul  of  CADWALLADEK,  a 
woman  came  for  si|uilse. 

Mr.  /'(j/nx/i.  Well,  t  here  's  plenty  of  syrup  of  squills  there. 

Din-it/.  The  pit:  pottle''  I'j  IViimanmaur  hur  did  not  spy  it  out, so 
hur  gave  hur  tat. 

Mi-,  /'ota.t/i.  That  !  Laudanum.  P>y  Jove,  that 's  as  bad  as  my 
mistake  ;  and  what  a  leek-eat  in;..'  son  of  an  everlasting  Welsh  goat  you 
must  be  not  to  know  squills  from  laudanum. 

Mr.  Croton.  Don't,  be  haish  with  him,  MR.  POTASH.    He  is  but  a 
beginner,  ami  our  own  mistakes  should  i,-aeh  us  charity  for  the  errors 
of  others.     1  have  reason  to  think  that   the  consequences  in  thi^ 
may  not  be  precisely  fatal. 

Mr.  yv,«*.  Why,  Sir? 

Mr.  Croton  (smiling].  What  is  the  laudanum  of  commerce  ? 

Mi-.  Potash.  To  be  sure,  to  be  sure. 

Mr.  Croton.  Tell  DAVID,  however,  for  his  instruction. 

Mr.  /'nfiit/i.  Laudanum's  opium,  Wclshy,  and  opium's  the  milky 
juice  of  the  capsule,  or  seed-vessel  of  a  poppy,  evaporated  and  inspis- 


sated by  exposure  to  air  and  light,  which  make  it  dark  and  gummy. 
Do  you  Comprehend  that,  my  bounding  '.'oat  of  Si:»\\don? 

David  (yriiii/i/i/j).   Ilur 's  awake. 

Mr.  Croton.  \  ,  -.  M  K.  C,\,\i\  KHHIXKN,  but  you  would  not  be  awake 
long  if  you  took  teal  opium.  1  am  triad  to  tell  you  that  the  pure  juice 
of  the  poppy  passc.s  through  cleverer  hands  than  roj  it.  i* 

prcpa.  MIUIII  to  be  sold  by  gentlemen  IV.. m  \\ 

Mr.  1'nliixh.  Yes,  they  e-iok  its  goose,  rather.  T  e  its  weight 

they  put  .:  •  !,  pow-diTed  charcoal,  loot,  ami  pOUJ 

poppy  petals.    Flour  i  I,  and  potatoe  farina,  and  a!J  KB 

mes-es,  and  comnion  gums. 

Mi'-  f'rnf  !i  liquorice,  too.  In  fact,  out  of  (went;. -three 

samples  examined  the  oth<  ,  iulterated. 

Mr.  I'vlfxli.  That  was  the  gm  Sir;  but.  mj  e;,e,  the  pow- 
dered !  Thirty-one  sample*  out  of  foru  were  cooked. 

Mr.Cntun.  Don't  be  so  sl.-.i  •  a.  Wliy  no!  say  vitiated  • 

Yon  arc  going  into  business  for  join-self.  I),,  learn  dignity. 

•'.    Hur  's  astoni.-hed. 

-Mf.  as  your  friend  is  leaving   lei  h!m  impart  to 

yon  a  few  more  of  the  secrets  of  the  trade  h 

You  will   hear  of  Si-.-  oo d  deal      there,  oe.  ;  .licit', 

fourth  jar.     That  is:;  eoslK  dni'_'. 

Mr.  Ptita-sh.  Yes.  and  1  should  like  to   know  how  iiiueh   chalk,  and 

b,  and  jalap,  and  .  and  .sand,  and 

there  is  in  that  jar. 

/;.-,-/,/.    Iliu-'s  pelrifa- 

Mr.  Potash.  Kow  there's  jalap,  in;.- goat.     An  active  purgativ 
account  of  its  resin.  Now  there 's  another  kind  of  jalap  that  I 
any  resin  »l  all.  They  -  up  together,  or  put  the  real  thing  with 

the  cuttings  of  the  tn  .  and  so  we  draws  our  ialap 

uncommon  mild.  ..     The  druir  trnnder  is  always  ordered 

to  make  eighty-four  pounds  into  a  hundreds. 

Duriil.    1 1  ill-  's  h'-\\  ildcred. 

Mr.l'otasli.  We'll  bewilder  Inn  a    !  HOW. 

That 's  another  root    they  adulterate  with  wood  fibres.      In  powder, 
emetic,  carbonate  of  lime,  wheat  Hour,  and  starch.     A 
doctor  prescribes  so  much  ipecacuanha,  meaning  the  original  article, 
but  we  improve  on  the  doctor,  f.  a  chap  twice  as 

sick — eh.  im   Welsh  rabbit  ? 

Mr.  Croti,,!.  I  admit  that  this  system  makes  it  impossible  for  a 
medical  man  to  know  what  he  is  giving  his  patient,  but  that  is  a 
question  for  the  patient  and  the  medical  man. 

Mr.  Potcuh.  I  could  tell  hur  some  more,  but  hur  seems  stupefied. 
Colocynth,  my  goat,  we  cook  with  wheat  flour,  or  chalk,  and  the  profit 
is  remarkable.  Rhubarb  we  improve  with  flour  and  turmeric,  and 
squilse,  as  you  call  them,  when  in  powder  are  floured  like  one 
o'clock.  You  are  always  sucking  liquorice.  Do  you  know  that  it  is 
often  only  a  mixture  of  the  worst  kind  of  gum,  imported  for  making 
blacking,  but  with  a  little  of  the  real  juice  in  it.  Starch,  and  metallic 
copper  go  into  it,  also. 

David.  Machvnlleth !    Llanymynech !    Llanvihangellagwint  ! 

Mr.  Croton.  I  will  not  allow  you,  DAVID,  to  use  blasphemous  lan- 
guage in  my  shop. 

Mr.  Potash.  If  he  swears  at  that,  what  will  he  say  when  he  knows 
that  we  put  chalk  into  calomel,  starch  and  sulphate  of  Ume  into 
1  quinine,  lime  into  magnesia,  water  into  nitre,  croton  oil  into  castor  oil, 
and  when  a  doctor  orders  conf.  arom.  we  leave  out  the  expensive  t ; 
and  stick  in  turmeric  for  saffron,  cassia  for  cinnamon,  and  chalk  for 
sugar  ? 

Mr.  Croton.  And  then  patients  wonder  that  tilings  don't  do  'em 
good.  Ha!  ha! 

Mr.  Potash.  And  doctors  don't  believe  they  have  taken  the  medicines. 
Ha!  ha! 

Mr.  Croton.  Well,  we  must  all  live,  chemists  and  druggists  and 
undertakers  among  the  rest. 

David  (wildly).  Hur  will  go  back  to  hur  mountains,  to  hur  trans- 
lucent lakes  of  Bala,  and  of  Ellcsmere,  to  hur  peaceful  vale  of  Llan- 
gollen,  and  to  hur  foaming  flood  of  Conway.    There  hur  will  find  no 
roguery,  there  hur  Welsh  harp  will  soothe  hur  to  repose,  there— 
Fuller  an  Itith  artisan,  of  the  bricklaying  persuasion,  in  fury. 

Terence  M'Dermott.  One  of  yees  sould  this  bottle,  I'm  think incr: 
(Ethibitt  iiii  empty  phial.)     Me  blessed  family's  as  sound  asleep  ai 
Hill  o'Howth,  and  divil  a  one  of  me  cau  make  'cm  open  their 
May  be  1  won't  open  yours. 

[Floors  M  aiTox  AXD   POTASH    (DAVID  diving  ii 

trap-door  into  cellar),  sweeps  down  all  the  buttles  icitbin 
and  performs  a  triumphant  dance  upon  the  counter. 


Schooling  for  Cosmopolites. 

THE  Manchester  School  has  been  converted  into  the  School  of 
Adversity.  It  is  to  be  hoped  that  this  change  will  conduce  to  the 
improvement  of  the  scholars,  who,  in  consequence  of  it,  will  get 
grounded  in  a  thoroughly  English  education. 


144 


PUNCH,   Oil  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  11,  1857. 


SCENE-A    CLUB. 

"  HAW  !     Is   THERE   ANYTHING  WEAJ1Y    FOR  DlNNER  ?  " 

Waiter.  "  SHOTJLDEK  OF  MUTTON  JUST  BEADY,  SIR  !  " 

Swell.  "  HAW-SHOULDAW  OF  MUTTON  I-AW-WHAT  A  VEWY  ODD  THING  FOR  DIN.VAW  I-THOUGHT  THET  ONLY  : 
SHOULDAW  OF  MUTTON  !  " 


AECADES  AMBO— BOMBA  AND  BAIONA. 

AMONG  the  "  recent  additions "  to  that  Chamber  9f  Horrors,  the 
torture  chamber  in  the  Neapolitan  State-dungeons,  it  is  reported  that 


A  COMFORTING  CIECULAE. 

[ON   THE  AFFAIRS   OF   THE   ROYAL  BRITISH  TANK.] 

li;_-v\re  fln(j  wjt|i  inexpressible  regret  that  you  are  a  depositor 


,  .   ,  ..     .  ^"  iJOV''J    '  •",,""  i  already  skinned  upon  truly  humane  „..  -----------  f        *    , 

heart,  (or  what  is,  left  of  it)  appears  quite  overflowing  ^with  the  grati-  ,       ,     ^    ;    w    object,  however,  was  not  carried  out;  though,  as  the 
itor.    la  proof  of  tins,  the  Correspondent  of  |  j^rf  the  Socfcty'  havc  alr'eady 


tude  he  feels  to  the  inventor 
the  Times  informs  us  that — 

"The  invention  is  ascribed  to  tlie  genius  of  S 
Palermo,  and  it  appears  to  havebei 
that  he  immediately  decorated   ' ' 
FRANCIS  THE  FJRST." 


had  one  turn  through  Chancery, 

some  notion  may  be  entertained  of  the  contemplated  process. 

ho  genius  of  SIGNOK  BAIONA,  inspector  ofPoiiceat  '•     "  However,  moved  by  a  deep  consideration  of  the  condition  ot  t 
>een  so  highly  approved  of  by  the  KINO  OF  NAPLES,  ;  crec[itors  we  are  philaiithropically  inclined  to  buy  up  the   deposits, 
the  philanthropic  gentleman  .with  the  Order  of ,  Q^  motl've  is  tnat  Of  pure  benevolence,  uninfluenced  as  we  feel,  by  one 

degrading  particle  of  selfishness.  All  our  personal  interest  is  merged 
BOMBA'S  wisdom  is  indisputable';  yet  we  think  this  evil  "genius"  '  in  the  great  interest  we  shall  be  happy  to  take  on  the  part  ol  the 
would  have  much  more  fitly  been  distinguished,  had  the  King  been  i  suffering  depositors.  With  these  views,  and  fully  prepared  lor  a 
pleased  to  institute  an  Order  for  the  purpose,  say  the  Order  9f  the  |  sacrifice,  we  offer  a  further  eighteenpence  in  the  pound  in  addition  to 
Garotte ;  an  honour  which  should  have  consisted  in  a  trial  if  the  I  the  dividend  already  paid ;  and,  in  making  such  an  otter,  we  beg  t 
monster's  choking-cap  would  fit  himself.  It  is  clear  that  those  pro-  |  assure  a  credulous  public  that  we  make  it  at  the  peril  01  our  own 
sented  with  the  Order  of  FRANCIS  THE  FIRST  must  _  feel  themselves  pocket, 
disgraced  by  finding  such  a  brute  as  this  BAIONA  similarly  decorated  • 
and  in  justice  (if  the  word  exist  at  Naples)  this  should  be  prevented 
for  the  future,  and  a  new  Order  founded  for  the  decoration  of  those 
wretches  whom  his  clement  Majesty  delights  to  honour. 

But,  after  all,  it  may  be  questioned  if  the  genius  of  even  a  BAIONA  i  w.^-<*..~-.~~~L.~ ~,  ..~  —  — j  . ~,   - 

would  not  fail  to  introduce  a  more  excruciating  torture,  than  that  with  '  altogether  regardless  of  any  sacrifice  that  may  result  therefrom  to 


.  ,.  .  ,     ,     - 

We  know  there  is  an  insane  rumour  that  a  further  dividend  ot 
nine-and-sixpence  will  be  forthcoming.  Dear  depositors,  be  not 
deceived.  Innocent  dupes,  put  not  your  faith  m  Bankruptcy 
solicitors.  But  believe  that,  in  making  you  the  very  handsome  otter  ot 
one-and-ninepence,  we  are  only  animated  by  a  wish  for  your  good, 


which  his  Royal  patron  is  himself  now  daily  visited.  In  the  torment 
of  his  thoughts  there  must  be  agony  by  far  more  exquisite  than  in 
any  torture  which  KING  BOMBA  can  devise  for  his  state-prisoners. 
With  his  fears  of  the  approaching  day  of  retribution,  who  can  doubt 
that  his  Majesty  is  ever  on  the  rack  ;  and  that  to  him  the  dreaded  cap 
of  liberty  is  far  more  terrible  to  contemplate,  than  the  cap  of  silence 
can  be  to  his  (at  present)  subjects  ? 


Your  humble  and  faithful  servants, 

"  CRACKSMAN  AND  SONS. 
"Bastinghall  Street,  March  1857." 


DENTISTRY  FOR  THE  MILLION.— The  teeth  of  advertising  Dentists 
are  warranted  to  bite. 


o 

o 

I— I 

t-1 
o 


H 
W 

H— I 

C/2 

O 

s 

(— I 

o 


Arm  11,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


147 


POCKET-BOROUGHS 

Mu.  C  —  !v     IK,  the  lai-L-e  Parliamentary  Salesman,  has 
in  his  possession  it  ci  rliiin  nnmlier  of  pretty  little  pocket - 

boroughs,  which,  for  the  convenience  of  bi»customei 

nding  to  their  price,  1, 

with  the  :  ng  np  with  the  hun- 

dreds,    i'or  S.:!.(J"<>,  In-  will  irinrantee'  to    let   you   have  a 
I  Borough  Tor  "  Sale,  itii'l  Ketnrn  " — but  if  you  cannot 
u'gaHy  £.'500,  he  will  under- 
take   to   negoe:  ,   hut   cannot  possibly 
icuarantec  the  ret  urn.      It   is  a  f'auniriU:  trade -saying  of 
I  hi*  that,  like  men,  "Every  Boroiiirh    has   its  price."      It 
j  all  depends   upon  whether  you   bid  high  enough  for  its 

purchase.          

Of  Two  Evils  we  Prefer  the  Lesser. 

THE  Tories  insist  upon  calling  T  the  "Tory 

Chief  of  a  Radical  Ministry."  Well,  even  that  is  better 
than  |)ISKU:I,I,  who,  if  he  rould  creep  into  the  same 
position,  would  in  all  probability  be  nothing  better  thau 
the  "  lladical_Chief  of  aTor.\ 


Cherub  Cobilcn  (to  Cherub  llriyhi).  "  THIS  is  REALLY  A  VEUT  DISAGREEABLE  STATE 
o»  THINGS. — WHO  WODLD  IIAVE  THOUGHT  IT?" 


A   CRYING   EVIL. 


THERE  are  not  less  than  2,500  drummers  in  Paris — 

and  "  yet "  (writes  a  correspondent)  "  Paris  is  not  by  many 

million  shrieks  such  a  noisy  capital  as  London.    The  fact 

is,  t  he  st  reel  -vendors  and  itinerant  musicians  in  our  blessed 

"polis  beat  the  Parisian  drummers  hollow." 


CHEAP    AND    NOT    NICE    GOVERNESSES. 

THE  subjoined  advertisement  cannot  be  objected  to  by  anybody 
who  understands  and  acknowledges  the  principle  of  Free  Trade  : — 

WANTED,  a  lady  as  USEFUL  COMPANION  and  NURSERY 
GOVERNESS.  She  will  l«j  roiuiral  to  tako  the  entire  care  of  three  children, 
under  five  years  old,  and  to  instruct  the  two  eldest,  and  must  be  able  to  assist  ill  all 
kinds  of  needlework.  Nn  salary  /or  the  first  six  months.  She  will  bo  received  as 
one  of  the  family.  Apply  by  letter,  with  every  particular,  to  F.  F.,  post-office, 
Twickenham  Common,  Middlesex. 

If  the  state  of  the  female  labour-market  is  such,  that  a  young 
woman  is  to  be  obtained  willing  to  take  the  whole  charge  of  three 
infants,  teach  two  of  them,  besides  dressing,  washing,  and  combing  all 
three,  and  continually  assisting  the  smallest  one  with  a  pocket-hand- 
kerchief: also  to  do  an  indefinite  amount  and  variety  of  needlework, 
to  perform  the  part  of  a  companion,  and  to  make  herself  generally  useful 
for  her  board  aud  victuals  and  reception  as  one  of  a  family,  apparently 
in  needy  circumstances ;  if  a  girl  is  to  be  found  ready  to  undertake 
the  place  of  governess  on  these  terms,  there  is  no  reason  why  anybody 
who  offers  them  .should  be  particularly  abused  for  so  doing.  There  is 
nothing  more  BUBO  in  engaging  a  governess  than  in  hiring  an  agri- 
cultural labourer  at  the  lowest  assignable  figure.  The  parties  offer  the 
terms  at  their  own  risk.  They  propose  a  very  small  remuneration,  of 
course,  in  the  expectation  of  receiving  very  indifferent  services. 

They  will  not,  therefore,  if  they  are  reasonable  people,  be  surprised 
to  find — should  the  situation  which  they  advertise  be  accepted — 
that  the  instruction  given  to  the  two  elder  of  their  children  consists 
principally  of  bad  English,  that  the  nose  of  the  baby  is  generally  some- 
what out  of  joint,  that  the  bodies  of  the  three  are  affected  by  washing 
only  in  as  far  as  they  are  not  concealed  by  clothing,  and  that  their 
heads  arc  in  a  state  returning  the  advice  of  ElASinn  WILSON.  They 
will  also  lay  their  account,  with  getting  none  of  their  needlework  done, 
of  which  the  doing  can  be  avoided,  and  that  little  which  is  done 
executed  with  the  smallest  possible  neatness  and  the  least  care. 
Moreover,  they  will  calculate  upon  disrespect  and  vulgarity  upon  the 
part  of  the  young  person  who,  at  the  price  tendered  by  them  for  her 
company,  must  necessarily  prove  a  low  companion. 

Finally,  they  will  he  quite  prepared  to  lose  her  valuable  services  and 
society,  suddenly,  some  day,  and  therewith  a  few,  or  perhaps  many 
other  matters  of  greater  value.  Of  course  they  know  that  in  driving 
a  hard  bargain,  they  run  a  very  considerable  risk  of  making  a  bad  one, 
and  of  being  laughed  at  by  sentimental  buffoons  for  buying  in  the 
cheapest  labour-market,  and  getting  sold. 


THE  POLONIUS  Of  THE  PALACE. 


THE  Times  says  that  SIR  WILLIAM  DON,  who  is  acting  at  the  St. 
James's  Theatre,  is  seven  feet  high.  COLONEL  I'nipi's,  on  reading 
that  fact,  gave  a  shriek,  and  exclaimed,  "By  Jove!  He's  tall  enough 
to  act  in  t ico pieces!" 


THE   COMIC   SONGS   OF  OLD. 

WHERE  are  the  songs  of  our  forefathers  ?  the  Comic  S9ngs  they  sang, 
When  their  festive  halls  and  their  tavern  walls  at  their  merry  meet- 
ings rang. 

With  a  right  fol  lol,  and  a  tol  do  rol,  and  a  foodie  doodle  doo, 
And  a  chorus  of  rumpty  iddity,  and  a  burden  of  tooral  loo. 

No  man  dares  fol  de  rido  sing ;  derided  he  would  be 

If  he  did  so,  or  sang  hey  ho.  or  fiddle  diddle  dee ; 

And  in  this  age  soon  from  the  stage  that  injudicious  clown 

Would  be  hooted  for  such  an  atrocity  as  singing  deny  down. 

The  day  of  fol  de  riddle  lol  is  past,  and  none  would  now 

Adjoin  ding  dong  unto  a  song,  or  sing  whack  row  de  dow, 

Or  rub  a  dub  at  any  club,  or  private  friendly  board, 

And  no  longer  is  chip  chow  cherry  chow  in  social  assemblies  roared. 

The  tenral  lal,  the  leural  lal,  the  leural  and  li  day, 

Of  Fillikins  applause  that  wins  in  the  celebrated  !• 

Is  all  burlesque,  absurd,  grotesque,  a  mock  of  the  ditties  old, 

With  the  tooral  ooral  choruses  which  in  other  times  were  trolled. 

Those  were  the  times  of  onr  forefathers,  the  funny  days  of  Yore, 
Great  thick  cravats,  Prince  Regent  hats,  and  stays  when  dandies  wore, 
High  collars  too,  and  coats  sky  blue,  watch  ribbons  huge  of  size, 
Ana  the  tightest  of  possible  pantaloons,  and  pumps  with  enormous  ties. 

What  jolly  bucks  were  our  forefathers,  that  gaily  used  to  sing 

Hi  tol  de  rol  dc  riddle  lol,  when  GKOIIGE  THE  THIRD  was  King, 

And  revelry  with  song  and  glee  delighted  to  combine, 

As  they  drank  their  toasts  and  sentiments  in  bumpers  of  strong  port 


wine. 


The  Half--,.'ay  House  between  St.  Paul's  and  St.  Peter's. 

A  PUSEYITK  chapel  may  In:  Compared  to  an  Italian  Warehouse  of 
religion,  where  you  can  get  any  little  ornamental  ecclesiastical  nick- 
nack  you  want,  from  an  illuminated  Roman  candle  down  to  a  bunch 
of  papistic  artificial  flowers.  St.  Barnabas  for  instance  is  only  a  kind 
of  religious'  FORTNUM  AND  MASON'S.  They  might  with  every  propriety 
hang  out  placards,  with  the  following  tempting  announcements  : — 

"PUBEYITE  PARTIES  ATTENDED,  AND  RELIOIOCS  BANDS  PROVIDED."  "CaosSES, 
CANDLESTICKS,  CANONICALS  a  la  Somaine  LENT  ON  HIRE,  ic.,  4c." 


Gentlemen  of  the  Jewry. 

THE  City  Jews,  like  sensible  men,  saw  no  harm  in  voting  on  their 
Sabbath.  MR.  DILLON,  indeed,  looked  to  them  to  extricate  liim  from 
the  mess  into  which  his  dictatorial  propensities  had  got  him;  but 
though  the  Hebrew  electors  admitted  that  as  a  general  rule,  it  was 
lawful  to  help  a  donkey  out  of  a  hole  on  the  Sabbath  day,  they  pre- 
ferred to  show  themselves  Englishmen,  and  returned  LORD  JOHN. 


148 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[Arm  11,  1857. 


M.    AJ.EXANDRE    DUMAS    ON    THE    ELECTIONS. 

THE  Pmse  recently  apprised  its  readers  that  M.  ALEXANDRE  DUMAS  was  about  to  visit 
England  and  would  supply  a  series  of  contributions  upon  the  British  elections.  M.  DUMAS 
has  arrived  and  was  upon'the  hustings  at  Guildhall,  when  the  Returning  Oihcer  announced 
LORD  JOHN  Hi  SSISLI/S  triumph  over  DILLON  &  Co.,  the  Shopocrat  Dictators.  Mr.  Punch 
has  been  favoured  with  the  first  novel  M.  DUMAS  has  composed  on  the  subject,  and  has 
pleasure  in  promoting  the  good  feeling  of  two  great  nations  by  publishing  the  subjoined 
translation : — 

GOO.     BY  M.   ALEXANDEE  DUMAS. 


CHAP.   I. 


\VhatisGog?" 

You  do  not  know  ?  " 

Or  should  not  ask." 

I  pity  you." 

Tell,  and  make  pity  needless." 

Homo  trium  literarum." 

What?    A  thief- -fur?" 

Not  that  I  ever  heard  of." 

At  least  a  man  ?  " 

Are  all  men  thieves  ?  " 

But  what  is  this  Gog?" 

You  are  impatient." 

You  make  me  so." 

Gog  is  a  type. " 


'  Of  what  ?  " 

'  Of  the  English." 

'And  they?" 

'  Are  types  of  Gog." 

'  I  do  not  understand." 

'  I  suppose  not." 

'Will  you  explain?" 

'  I  cannot.    But — ' 

'But  what?" 

'I  will  tell  you  a  story." 

'And  then?" 

'  You  shall  understand  Gog." 

'  Gaudeamus  !  " 


CHAP.   II. 


When  the  London  Guild'liall  was  built,  I  cannot  tell.  Had  it  never  been  built  at  all,  I  do 
not  know  that  the  world  would  have  been  much  the  poorer,  but  there  it  is,  and  JOHN  BULL 
thinks  it  the  noblest  place  in  the  world,  for  here  he  elects  and  dines.  Food  and  freedom, 
what  more  needs  JOHN  ?  Entre  nout,  his  food  is  indigestible,  his  freedom  a  policeman,  but 
if  he  thinks  otherwise,  why  disturb  his  happiness  ? 

Nevertheless,  Guild'hall  is  a  very  ugly  building. 


CHAP.   III. 

A  Scotchman !  A  Jew ! 

A  Lord !  A  China  merchant ! 

Such  are  the  men  whom  London  chooses  for  her  representatives,  and  such  the  order  in 
which  she  selects  them.  Her  reasons  are  inscrutable,  but  it  was  a  picturesque  sight  to  See 
the  four,  in  that  ugly  Guild'hall,  advancing  to  thank  her  for  her  suffrage.  The  Scot,  in  his 
noble  costume,  kilt,  tall  black  plumes,  sword,  and  bagpipes ;  the  venerable  Jew,  with  his  long 
white  beard,  flowing  to  his  waist,  blue  gown,  and  delicate  lean  hands  loaded  with  gems ; 
the  Lord  in  feudal  armour,  leaning  on  his  ponderous  two-handed  sword ;  and  the  Merchant,  in 
the  full  dress  of  Beadle,  as  ordained  by  SIR  THOMAS  GHESHAM  when  he  founded  the 
Exchange,  all  come  forward  together,  and  the  frantic  cries  of  their  supporters  ascend  in 
turbid  waves  of  sound.  Guild'hall  echoes  with  the  shouting. 


CHAP.   IV. 

They  are  gone,  the  Scot  to  the  Scotch  Stores, 
the  Jew  to  liis  cellar  of  diamonds,  the  Lord  to 
his  House  of  Lords,  the  Merchant  to  his  Dull- 
witch  or  Sydnam.  Two  figures  only  linger  in 
the  ugly  Guild'hall.  Her  head  reposes  on  his 
bosom,  and  for  a  moment  they  are  as  still  as  the 
statues  aiound  them.  The  maiden  is  the  first  to 
speak. 

"  You  woted,  TOMBOB,  and  are  ruined." 

"  I  gave  a  plomp.  Let  ruin  come.  I  woted 
beside  the  father  of  SARA.  We  have  won — 
What  am  I?" 

"  A  traitor,"  thundered  a  third  voice. 

They  could  see  no  one,  though  the  lurid  light 
of  an  English  sun  streamed  in  upon  the  Guild- 
'hall in  all  directions. 

"  Coward !  thou  that  lurkest  in  darkness,  you 
are  a  liar,"  cried  TOMBOB,  uttering  with  enthu- 
siasm that  taunt  of  his  nation.  "  Who  are  you  ? 
Will  you  box?" 

"  Ah !  for  Heaven's  sake,  be  calm,"  said  SARA. 
"  Should  the  QUEEN  hear  you." 

"The  QUEEN  feasts  the  citizens  at _ Bucking- 
ham.* She  will  not  be  here  to-day,  mignonette. 
And  as  for  that  evil  scoundrel,  whom  I  think — 

"  HONI  SOIT  QUI  MAL  Y  PEXSE,"  said  a  silver 
voice,  yet  full  of  command,  and  a  figure  glided 
from  behind  the  statue  of  ALDERMAN  PICKTORD 
(who  addressed  GEORGE  THE  FOURTH  in  an 
unexpected  speech  worthy  DEMOSTHENES),  and 
stood  before  the  lovers. 

"  HER  MAJESTY  ! "  exclaimed  both,  kneeling. 

•    CHAP.   V. 

The  QUEEN  contemplated  her  young  subjects 
for  a  moment,  and  then  said, 

"  So,  MR.  TOMBOB,  you  would  defy  some  one  ? 
We  must  see  to  that— eh?  Nemo  me  impii/m 
lucessit.  But  my  silly  little  Maid  of  Honour 
spoke  of  ruin.  Let  us  first  see  to  that.  Dieu  et 
man  Droit." 

"  He  woted  for  M.  LE  BAKON  DE  ROTHSCHILD, 
your  MAJESTY." 

"  So  have  many  thousands,"  said  HER  MA- 
JESTY, smiling:. 

"  But  they  have  not  for  a  father — " 

"  No  POPERY,"  thundered  the  unseen. 

"  I  know  that  voice,"  said  the  QUEEN. 

Behind  the  mighty  and  grotesque  image  of 
some  savage  warrior,  bearing  a  staff  to  which 
hangs  a  ball  of  spikes,  a  still  more  tremendous 
face  looked  down. 

"  MR.  SPOOLER,"  said  the  QUEEN,  "  I  am 
surprised  at  you.  Come  down  from  Gog,  and 
come  here." 

CHAP  VI. 

Having  no  sword  at  hand,  the  SOVEREIGN 
gently  touched  the  youth  with  a  pair  of  em- 
broidery scissors. 

"  Rise,  SIR  TOMBOB,  and  ask  your  father  to 
forgive  the  plomp  wote  which  has  made  you  his 
superior.  If  he  refuse,  you  shall  be  sent  to 
Maynoots  to  finish  your  education.  So  he 
relents.  Then  ask  him  to  your  marriage  with 
SARA,  at  Windsor  Palace,  on  Thursday.  Ah, 
my  dear  Prince,  you  are  late  with  the  carriage." 

SIR  TOMBOB  has  in  every  room  of  his  mansion 
in  Piccolodilly,  in  gratefid  memory  of  Guild'hall, 
a  statuette  of 

GOG. 

*  Queiy,  Palace  ? — TRAXSL. 


An  Atomic  Theory. 

FROM  the  number  of  nobodies  that  arc  returned 
to  Parliament,  we  are  afraid  that  the  next  Session 
may  already  be  characterised,  in  the  Palmer- 
stonian  phrase,  as  "  A  fortuitous  concurrence  of 
atoms."  So  small  are  some  of  the  atoms,  that  it 
is  our  belief  the  QUEEN  will  have  to  open  Par- 
liament with  a  microscope. 


Arm  11,  1857.] 


rrxcil,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


149 


THE    THREE-LEGGED    STOOL. 

<  \      \  > 

D  hearof  ano- 
Three- 

LcgScd  Stool 

By   which    he   in- 
tended to  climb  : 
up  to  place, 

And    how   in    the , 
sc(|ucl  lie  looked 
like  ;i  fool, 

',V  lieu   this  horse- 
raeing  nobleman 
i       to     dis- 
grace ? 

Rule,   ride, 
for  ride, 

Let's  hear  of  the  no- 
bleman's Three- 
Legged  Stool. 

Tomakeit.hclirst 
had  to  find  out 
three  Less, 
(To  a  frieiid  of  the 
Turf  no  such 
difficult  thing) 

And  'twas  down  to  the  Commons  he  went  for  his  pegs, 
And  none  can  deny  he'd  the  piek  of  the  ring; 

School,  school,  excellent  school, 
For  props  for  the  nobleman's  Three-Legged  Stool. 

The,  first  that  he  chose  was  at  one  time  a  Limb 
From  a  tree  out  of  Jewry,  or  so  goes  the  juke ; 

But  now  a  mere  nondescript,  supple  and  slim, 
A  graft  badly  stuck  on  the  old  country  oak : 
Tool,  tool,  tricketty  tool, 

And  here  was  one  leg  for  the  Three-Legged  Stool. 

His  next  bit  of  wood  it  was  smooth  to  the  view, 

It  sprang  in  the,  soil  of  a  Lancashire  park, 
Transplanted  to  Oxford  it  warped  as  it  grew, 

And  you  knew  it  at  once  by  its  Jesuit  bark : 

I'ule,  pule,  I'nseyite  pule, 
And  here  were  two  legs  for  the  Three-Legged  Stool. 

The  third  he  selected  with  Yorkshire  claimed  kith, 
Had  been  a  good  bludgeon  in  time  thai  's  gone  by, 

But  maggots  from  Russia  got  right  to  its  pith, 
And  what  was  clastic  grew  stubborn  and  dry; 
Mule,  mule,  maggoty  mule, 

And  here  were  three  legs  for  the  Three-Legged  Stool. 

Then  joining  the.  three  by  a  thins  he  il< 
Should  be  called  Coalition,  so  let 's  call  it  Trick, 

On  his  stool,  now  complete,  my  Lord  scrambles,  and  tries 
To  mount  into  place,  when— by  Jove,  what  a  kick ! 
Cool,  cool,  plaguily  cool, 

Old  PAM:  luu>  kicked  over  the  Three-Legged  Stool. 

And  down  came  the  nobleman  wop  on  the  floor  ! 

And  eaeli  of  the  legs  it  flew  off  like  a  shot, 
•'  It'  Oxford  and  Bucks  the  first  two  should  restore, 

Return  the  third  leg,"  cries  old  Yorkshire,  "  I  '11  not ; " 

Fool,  fool,  Faction 's  a  fool ; 
LOIID  DEKBY  goes  limping,  and  lame  is  his  Stool. 


in  the  Wash.   Wr  indeed  haxe  Ion','  felt  that  that  is  where  it  ought .  i 

.i a rd  of  hoii-efmiii  throughout  ilio  •• 

'.( it  sailK  I  ibbinu'.      If  I  her 

depieler  of  the    /  .  >  paint  London 

ill   aiijthin^  like,   true   colours,  he  would    have  to   use   epithets    of  far 

deeper  djc  ihan  pniple:   for,  to  say  OOl  residences, 

i  when  two  years  old  appear  to  be  begrimed  with  the  dust  ol 

our  public  buildings  also  are  so  dirt-encrusted,  that  scarce!; 

of  their  brick   or  slone    creation  is  discernible,  and    the  statues  that 
,  black    in  as    though    they   had    been 

trilled  OlheUol, 

Indeed,  considering  the  lilihy  state  of  the  outsides  of  our  structures, 
ihe  Chinese  are  quite  justified  •  ians." 

,   and  it  takes  soine- 

[   "  washe.i.  lo  at  all 

id  ol'  it.     .\lihuir-  •(•  a  blacka 

scrnbbedv.  •.-.  allsin   London,  we  should  certainly 

could  be  devised  for  sending  ih  lie  periodi- 

:i.      U'c  fear,  howe\er,  thai  •  undertake 

the   conlrael,    he    would   soon   ire  I    iul  r   if    he    touched  OUT 

rested  dirts;  and  considers  we  pay  for  living 

in  une                      '.mild  couth.  Ives  badly  off  for 

uhl  should  br  fn  pnroehiul  doubt  as  to 
"How  to  settle  our  accounts  \\ith  the  Launii 


LONDON  IN  THE  WASH. 

IT  is  not  often  we  feel' called  upon  to  offer  our  advice  to  the  Geo- 
graphical Society,  for  their  proceedings  generally  are  such  as  meet  with 
our  entire  satisfaction.  We  would  suggest,  however,  that  at  their 
next  meeting,  t he  Civil  Service  Commissioners  should  be  invited  to 
attend,  with  a  view-  of  giving  further  details  as  to  the  discoveries -which 
have  been  lately  made  under  their  auspices,  and  brought  before  their 
notice.  We  learn  from  their  report  just  published,  that  among  the 
gifted  candidates  wTio  have  been  recently  examined,  there  are  some 
who  have  discovered  the  Alps  to  be 

"In  Hungary,  Swansea  at  Norwich,  London  in  the  Wash.  Marseilles  cm  tho 
Rhine,  and  Germany  in  the  Caspian  Sea,  who  find  the  Thames  to  rise  in  the 
German  Ocfau,  and  tnc  River  Gary  to  flow  by  Tauuton  into  the  Mediterranean." 

These  are  all  of  them  most  interesting  discoveries;  but  that  which, 
as  Cockneys,  most  excites  our  wonder,  is  to  hear  that  London  is  really 


EXAMINATIONS  FOR  COMMISSIONS  IN  THE  ARMY. 

"following  are  the  chief  poi  mended  by 

.  for  the  admisv  'il'nl  candidates  into  a 

at:— The  candidate  must  know  sufficient  of  writing 

o  an  I.O.I  .,  and  of  reading  to  be  able  to 

make  oui   the   playbills,  and  different  adv.  of  the  various 

ij  ;  he  must,  know  enough  of  arithmetic  to  enable 

ilimitcdloo;  and  proportion,  inasmuch  as  he  should 

know  the  difference  of  behaviour  required  in  addressing  a  gentleman 

or  a  I ;  as  well  as  the  use  of  logarithms,  as  practicaUy 

ion  of  interest  generally  enforced  by  bill- 

imting  Jcv,  wiih  the  extraction  of  roots,  as  displayed 

in  the  aiostly  tendered  by  those  gentle- 

men in  pai  of  a  bill.  He  must  kno\y  something  of  billiard- 

playing  lall  the  games— French  as  well  as  English) ;  and  he  should  be 
able  to  translate  into  the  vulgar  tongue  certain  portions  of  PAUL  DE 
KOCK'S  and  young  AUAANDKE  DUMAS' works  (Monsieur  Dupont  and 
the  Roman  "tl'une  Femme)  without  the  aid  of  any  Holywefl  Street 
edition.  If  ignorant  of  those  pure  French  classics,  he  must  sing  any 
song  that  is  popular  at  the  time  at  the  Coal  Hole  or  Canterbury  Hall , 
he  must  possess  such  an  elementary  knowledge  of  slang  as  most 
collegians  acquire;  and.  if  called  upon,  he  must  give  a  specimen  of 
his  still  in  slanging  a  bargee,  or  squaring  with  a  policeman.  In  the 
history  of  all  the  scandalous  stories,  bearing  upon  public  characters, 
connected  either  with  the  legislature,  church,  or  stage,  he  should  be 
open  to  such  questions  as  the  examiners  may  think  it  proper,  or 
improper,  to  put  to  him.  In  geography,  he  must  prove  an  ultimate  ac- 
quaintance with  the  locality  ot  all  the  principal  cafes,  casinos,  theatres, 
divans,  billiard-rooms,  tennis-courts,  cock-pits,  skittle-grounds,  shoot- 
ing-galleries, about  town ;  and  he  must  also  be  thoroughly  an  fait 
with  the  various  shops  where  the  best  cigars,  beer,  gloves, 
clothes,  boots,  spurs,  revolvers,  dogs,  are  to  be  procured,  keeping  an 
eye  at  the  same  time  to  the  amount  and  length  of  credit  given.  In 
fortification,  he  must,  be  able  to  storm  the  bedroom  of  a  brother  officer, 
who  has  retired  to  bed,  and  trace  upon  p"aper  the  Canterbury  plan  of 
drawi  d-clothes  from  underneath  a  person  who  is  sleeping 

without  his  knowing  it.  A  certificate  of  good  birth,  9r  proofs  of 
ng  mixed  in  the  most  respectable  stations  of  life  (police,  or  other- 
will  be  indispensably  required.  The  fact  of  being  the  son  of  a 
tradesman,  or  in  any  way  connected  with  trade,  will  be  considered  a 
decided  bar  to  one's  entrance  into  the  regiment.  The  possession  of 
several  blood-horses,  which  might  be  advantageously  exchanged  with 

iperior  officers  for  horses  of  a  less  showy,  but  more  serviceable 
breed,  will  materially  smooth  the  path  of  the  young  candidate's 
admission. 

Perfect  on  Both  Sides. 

"  WHAT  is  on  the  other  side  of  the  Victoria  medal?"  was  asking 
a  young  Lion  at  the  French  Embassy.  "  I  cannot  exactly  tell,"  answered 
PEKSIGSY.  "  but  it 's  my  impression  that  the  reverse  of  Victona-Croa 
must  be  V  ICTORIA  herself." 

WIT   AMONGST   GOVERNMENT   CLERKS. 

THE  Admiralty  is  always  spoken  of  by  the  facetious  young  gentle- 
men who  do  the  duty  of  Government  clerks,  as  "()SBORXK  House,"  in 
allusion  to  the  apartments  that  their  friend  BERXAL  occupies  there. 


150 

PUNCH, 

OR 

THE 

LONDON 

CHARIVARI. 

[APRIL 

11. 

1857. 

DOMESTIC  ECONOMY  OP  TIME. 

MANY  ladies  who  studiously  practise  domestic  economy 
in  the  kitchen,  the  parlour,  and  the  drawing-room,  arc  apt 
to  neglect  that  matter  in  the  boudoir.  They  altogether 
lose  sight  of  the  value  of  time  whenever  they  get  before 
the  looking-glass,  where  their  vision  is  engrossed  by  a 
more_  agreeable  object,  and  their  minds  are  absorbed  in 
pleasing  reflection.  To  be  sure,  this  is  not  always  the 
case ;  and  a  bad  cold  in  the  head ;  a  toothache  accom- 
panied with  swelled  cheeks ;  erysipelas  of  the  face ;  inflamed 
eyes,  and  other  the  like  causes,  will  usually  shorten  the 
length  of  the  time  consumed  under  ordinary  circumstances 
in  that  situation.  Commonly,  however,  a  more  than  suf- 
ficient number  of  precious  moments  is  expended  by  ladies, 
otherwise  frugal,  in  front  of  the  mirror,  fully  to  warrant 
the  extraction  of  the  following  paragraph  from  Notes  ami 
fineries : — 

"SPARE  MOMENTS  :  A  HINT  TO  HUSBANDS.— As  all  bonnets  take,  it 
is  admitted,  five  minutes  to  put  on,  and  as  in  practice  it  is  found  that 
most  of  them  require  considerably  more  than  that  time,  •  husbands 
in  waiting'  will  do  well  to  follow  the  example  of  the  CHANCELLOR 
D'AOOESSEACT,  who,  finding  that  his  wife  had  always  kept  him  waiting 
a  quarter  of  an  hour  after  the  dinner-bell  had  rung,  resolved  to  devote 
the  time  to  writing  a  book  on  jurisprudence,  and  putting  the  project 
it  to  execution,  in  course  of  time  produced  a  work  in  four  quarto 
volumes."  . 

It  is  not  everybody  who  can  write  a  book,  or,  if  he  could, 
is  capable  of  composing  his  thoughts  sufficiently  for  that 
purpose,  under  the  irritating  condition  of  having  to  wait 
during  the  indefinite  period  which  a  lady,  when  requiring 
it  to  put  on  her  bonnet  in,  calls  five  minutes.  But  there 
is  a  way  wherein  most  men  might  employ  that  tedious 
interval  with  pleasure  to  themselves,  and  in  such  a  manner 
as  apparently,  and  in  the  end,  actually,  to  shorten  it.  The 
expedient  is  that  of  smoking  a  cigar,  or  still  better,  a  pipe. 
The  sedative  fumes  of  the  tobacco  will  beguile  the  tiresome 
hour,  or  space  of  time  that  would,  but  for  them,  be,  or 
seem  to  be,  an  hour;  will  calm  the  wearied  husband's 
impatience;  and  will,  in  most  instances,  bring  the  lady 
down-stairs  as  soon  as,  when  employed  out-of-doors,  for  a 
lloricultural  purpose,  they,  bring  down  the  lady-birds  from 
under  the  leaves  of  the  roses. 

WHOLESOME    FEAST. 

Jessie.  "AND  so,  WALTER,  YOU  HAVE  LITTLE  PARTIES  AT  TOUR  SCHOOL,  EH?"  To  Remove  Ink-Stains. 

Walter.  "  AH  !  DON'T  WE,  JUST  ! — LAST  HALF  THERE  WAS  CHARLEY  BOOLE,  AND  THE  speediest  method  is  to  publish  a  book  at  your  own 
GEORGE  TWISTER,  AND  ME — WE  JOINED,  yon  KNOW — AND  HAD  Two  POUNDS  OF  expense.  You  will  hate  the  sight  of  ink  so,  that  it  is 
SAUSAGES,  COLD,  AND  A  PLUM  CAKE,  AND  A  BARREL  OP  OYSTERS.  AND  Two  BOTTLES  extremely  doubtful  whether  you  will  ever  stain  your  lingers 
OP  CURRANT  WINE  .'—On,  MY  EYE!  WASN'T  IT  JOLLY,  NEITHER!"  j  with  it  again. 


A  PARLIAMENT  AND  NO  TALK! 

HE  New  York  Tri- 
bune records  the 
following  fact : — 

"  A  NOVEL  MEETING. 
— In  accordance  with 
a  previous  arrange- 
ment, the  employes  of 
the  American  Tele- 
graph Company's  lines 
between  Boston  aud  j 
Calais,  Mo.,  held  a  ! 
meeting  by  Telegraph 
on  Tuesday  evening, 
the  3rd  instant,  at 
eight  o'clock,  after  the 
business  of  the  line  was 
concluded  for  the  day. 
Thirty -three  offices 
were  represented,  run- 
ning over  a  circuit  of 
700  miles.  Several 
speeches  were  deli- 
vered, and  resolutions 
passtd.  After  having 
been  in  session  for  an 
hour,  the  meeting 
adjourned  in  great 
harmony  and  kindly 
feeling." 

New,  why  couldn't  'our  Parliamentary  proceedings  be  conducted  in 
an  equally  silent  manner  ?  Do  you  think  COBDEN  would  unwind  his 
many  miles  of  Manchester  yarns  without  an  audience  ?  Do  you  fancy 
SPOONER  would  go  on  raying  for  hours,  when  there  was  not  a  soul 
present  to  hear  him  rave  ?  And  is  it  likely  that  GLADSTONE  even, 
with  all  his  love  of  talking,  would  talk  incessantly,  when  all  that  his 


eloquence  could  possibly  bring  round  was  a  dial  ?  Now,  an  Electric 
Parliament  would  remedy  all  the  evils  that  verbiage  at  present  inflicts 
on  the  patience  of  the  nation.  A  Member  of  Parliament  would  be 
able  to  attend  to  his  legislative  duties  without  stirring  from  his 
country  seat.  The  entire  business  of  St.  Stephen's  might  be  con- 
ducted in  a  Telegraph  Office.  The  whole  Parliamentary  staff,  with 
its  numerous  bundles  of  Rods  and  Sticks,  might  be  effectively 
cut  down  into  a  Speaker.  That  worthy  functionary  would  sit  in  the 
middle  of  his  office,  like  a  forewoman  in  a  milliner's  work-room, 
watching  the  different  needles  plying  assiduously  around  him. 
When  the  work  was  done,  he  would  collect  the  stuff,  and  report  the 
result. '  The  threads  of  the  various  arguments  would  run  into  his 
hands,  and  it  would  be  for  him  to  sort  them.  His  decisions  would 
be  final,  aud  justly  so,  as  he  would  always  have 'the  debates,  at  his 
fingers'  ends.  The  Prime  Minister,  or  PRINCE  ALBERT,  might  look 
in  every  quarter  of  an  hour  to  see  that  the  Speaker  had  not  fallen 
asleep. 

Under  our  improved  plan,  one  great  benefit  would  unquestionably  be 
gained.  There  would  be  no  noise  !  All  zoological  exhibitions  would  be 
effectually  closed.  Your  parliamentary  cocks,  donkeys,  and  laughing 
hyenas  would  be  peremptorily  shut  up,  like  their  wooden  prototypes  in 
a  boy's  Noah's-Ark.  Really  we  see  no  obstacle  in  the  way  of  :an 
Electric  Parliament.  It  would,  to  a  great  extent,  cure  the  absurd  mania 
for  talking,  and  moreover,  we  do  not  think  the  speeches  then  would  be 
half  so  wire-drawn  as  they  are  now.  Besides,  every  little  DEMOSTHENES, 
who  at  present  is  not  reported,  01  else  snubbed  under  the  obscure  cog- 
nomen of  an  "  Hon.  Member,"  would  have  the  saMsfaction  of  knowing 
that  his  speech  had  gone  to  the  length  at  all  events  of  one  line,  and,  il 
he  were  at  some  distant  post,  it  might  run  perhaps  to  the  extent  of 
four  or  five  lines,  according  to  the  number  of  wires  on  the  different 
telegraphs;  whilst  your  DRUMMONDS  and  your  OSBORXES,  as  they 
indulged  in  their  electric  facetice,  might  flatter  themselves  with  the 
belief  that  they  were  fairly  convulsing  the  poles  with  laughter. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Wofcnru  Place,  and  Frederick  Millet  Evan.,  of  No.  19,  Qaecn's  Riad  West,  llese»t'.  Vnrk,  both  fa  the  Parish  of  Ft.  Pann-a,,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at  the.r  Ofhfe  in  Lombard  Street,  m  tbe  Precinct  «f  Whitefrian,  in  th!  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  thtm  at  No.  86,  Filet  Street,  ia  tie  Pari.h  of  St.  Bride,  ia  the  City  of 
lionaon.w>MTUBBAY,  Apr  1  II,  185/. 


APRIL  18,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


151 


TWO    LIFE-DRAMAS. 

AN  advertisement  in  the  Dailii  A>/™,  early  in  this  current  April,  had 
1  fortune  to  attract  the  eye  of  Mr.  Punch.  The  advertiser  set 
forth  that,  parents  or  guardians,  troubled  with  the  care  of  Unruly 
Children,  could  not  do  better  than  obtain  the  advice  and  assistance  of 
Himself,  a  married  clergyman,  possessed  of  HOgnlai  fascinating  power 
over  young  people  between  the  anes  of  six  and  twenty. 

Mi':  I'mii-h  has  been  thinking  ever  since  aboul  the  curious  interviews 
«hirh  this  !_'eiillenian,  should  he  be  nr'H-ed  by  the  part  ics  headdresses, 
will  have  with  the  ruing  generation.  A  couple  of  these  ideas  have 
taken  the  form  of  Imaginary  Conversations,  and. here  they  are  :— 

SCENE  \.—A  Nursery. 

2fc  MARRIED  CLERGYMAN-  w  hastily  i/idm-tnl  hy  MAMMA,  viho  fears  to 
remain  a  moment  lest  her  resolution  should  give  way. 

Mamma.  That 's  the  bail  boy,  Sir,  eight  'years  old  on  the  llth  of 
.Inly,  and  —  (tcith  marked  intention,  for  her  son's  benefit)  1  heartily  hope 
you  will  bring  him  to  a  sense  of  his  conduct.  [Exit. 

[MARRIED  CLERGYMAN  smiles  blandly,  and  locks  the  door,  a  pro- 
ceeding which  gives  evident  dissatisfaction  to  YOUNG  SULKY. 
Married  Clergyman   (taking  a  seat).  And  what  is  your  name,  my 
boy  ? 

Young  Sulky  (after  a  pause).  JACK. 

Married  Clergyman.  A  very  pretty  name ;  and  JACK,  you  ought  to  be 
very  t  hankful  to  kind  Providence  and  to  your  kind  friends  for  giving 
you  such  a  pretty  name,  when  many  little  boys  run  about  the  street 
with  scarcely  a  name  to  their  backs.     Can  you  read,  JACK ? 
Young  Sulky  (curtly).  Yes,  but  shan't. 
Married  Clergyman.  Ah !    Come  here,  JACK. 
Young  Sulky.  Shan't. 
Married  Clergyman.  Ah ! 

[Smiles  kindly,  and  produce!  a  well-made  birch-rod. 
Young  Sulky  (angrily  and  frightened).  I  '11  tell  my  Mar ! 
[YouNG  SULKY  rushes  at  the  door,  but  the  MARRIED  CLERGYMAN 
dexterously  intercepts  him,  and  after  a  few  preliminary  arrange- 
ments, a  howling  follows,  which  MAMMA,  listening  at  the  door, 
can  scarcely  misinterpret. 


my  address,  which  you  can  ait  hint  to  read  whcneTer  you  see  lit.  No, 
10  refreshment,  thank  you.  Goodbye,  my  dear  .loiix,  and  may  you 
>rospcr.  Look  straight  before  you,  but  do  not  forget  what  is  behind 

— that  is  true  wisdom.      [Exit,  as  JACK  is  taken  to  the  maternal  bosom . 

In  singular  contrast  to  the  above  is— 

SCENE  II.— A  Drawing  Room. 

The  MARRIED  CLERGYMAN  t>  introduced  by  an  Arxr  to  a  remarkably 
pretty  girl  of  nineteen  years  of  age. 

Aunt.  This  is  Miss  (  IISSTIN-ATE,  Sir,  and  I  only  hope  that  you  'may 
ae  able  to  break  down  her  wicked  and  unconverted  nature,  and  show 
ler  what  a  miserable  sinner  she  is.  [Exit. 

Married  Clergyman  (laughing).  Now,  MARGARET,  when  are  you  going 
to  meet  him  '•: 

Margaret,  (colouring  up  with  great  speed,  and  indignantly).  Meet  who, 
Sir? 


Married  Clergyman  (kindly).  JACK,  my  dear,  get  that  book  from  the 
table,  and  bring  it  here. 

[JACK  complies,  and  at  the  further  demand  of  his  friend,  reads  a  page 

exceedingly  well. 

Married  Clergyman.  Very  well,  indeed.  JACK.  You  read  excellently, 
and  are  a  very  good  boy,  very  good.  I  don't  think  I  need  come  and 
hear  you  react  again ;  but  at  any  time  that  you  would  like  to  see  me, 
you  have  only  to  be  rude,  or  idle,  or  vulgar,  and  I  will  come  with 
pleasure.  Pick  up  those  broken  bits  of  birch,  and  put  them  in  the 
fire,  and  then  we  will  see  MAMM  \. 

[The  MARRIED  CLERGYMAN  pockets  the  rod,  and  unlocks  the  door, 

having  judiciously  fumbled  with  the  lock  to  give  MAMMA  time  to 

retreat,  and  to  be  coming  along  the  passage. 

Married  Clergyman.  My  dear  Madam,  our  young  friend,  JOHN,  quite 

appreciates  our  feelings  towards  him,  and  has  promised  me  to  show 

himself  worthy  your  affection.    He  reads  exceedingly  well,  and  there  is 


[  ungen- 


Married  Clergyman.  Say  whom,  next  time,  it  is  better  English, 
MADGE.  When  is  it  ? 

Margaret.  I  am  sure  I  don't  know  what  you  mean,  Sir. 

Married  Clergyman.  Pooh,  pooh,  MEGGUMS,  don't  get  upon  the  stilts 
with  me.  (Draws  back  his  foot,  under  which,  on  taking  his  seat,  he  neatly 
concealed  a  note  that  had  fallen  from  MARGARET'S  pocket.)  Do 
you  think  I  don't  know  all  about  it.  (Takes  up  note  and  reads.) 

" moon  shone  sweetly  down  upon  your  glittering  curb,  and  you 

looked  like  a  seraph  in  a  fountain  "—a  profane  blockhead ! 

Margaret.  O,  Sir,  you  have  got  my  note.    Please  give  it  me. 

Married  Clergyman.  I  want  to  show  it  to  your  Aunt.  MEG. 

Margaret.  I'm  sure  you  would  not  do  snch  an  unkind  and 
tlemanly  thing,  Sir.    Pray,  give  it  me. 

Married  Clergyman.  If  I  do,  will  you  listen  to  what  I  say,  like  a 
sensible  girl. 

Margaret.  Yes,  I  will. 

Married  Clergyman.  I'll  trust  you.  There's  the  note.  (Gives  it.) 
But  don't  have  anything  more  to  say  to  the  writer.  He  only  wants 
your  money. 

Margaret.  I  am  sure  he  does  not.    He  is  a  gentleman  to  the  heart. 

Married  Clergyman.  Gentlemen  to  the  heart  don't  begin  effulgence 
with  an  i,  or  leave  out  one  f.  He  'a  a  snob,  I  tell  you. 

Margaret.  He 's  in  the  Artillery,  Sir. 

Married  Clergyman.  All  the  Artillery  spell.  He 's  in  the  Artillery 
Company,  perhaps,  and  an  aristocratic-looKing  girl  like  vou  should  as 
soon  think  of  a  beadle.  You  remind  me,  singularly,  of  my  beautiful 
friend,  the  MARCHIONESS  or  BLAZONBURY,  only  your  hair  is  darker 
than  hers.  She,  you  know,  was  the  belle  of  last  season,  and  won  the 
Marquis  by  her  smile,  in  which  you  curiously  resemble  her. 

Margaret  (looks  in  the  glass).  I  am  too  petite. 

Married  Clergyman.  Exactly  the  height  HER  MAJESTY  likes  in  her 
peeresses.  She  will  not  stand  godmother  to  the  baby  of  any  one  of  a 
different  height.  Do  you  like  balls  ? 

Margaret.  What  should  I  answer  to  a  clergyman  ? 

Married  Clergyman.  The  truth,  my  dear  young  lady. 

Margaret.  I  adore  them. 

Married  Clergyman.  Don't  say  adore — the  word  is  wronsr,  whatever 
the  meaning  may  be— I  can  get  you  tickets  for  the  Caledonian  Ball 


xrxn. 


152 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  18,  1857. 


next  week-they  tell  me  three  or  four  young  lords  have  wagered  that 
they  leave  the  ball-room  engaged  men  that  night— silly  fellows— would 
your  Aunt  take  you  ? 

Margaret.  O,  she  shall.  . 

Married  Clergyman.  Be  dutiful,  dear.  Well,  but  conditionally,  mind. 
The  tickets  are  given  only  to  first  class  people— you  mix  yourselt  up 
with  the  Artillery  Company,  people  who  can't  spell— if  I  promise 
tickets  to  the  Caledonian,  will  -you  drop  tins  person?  Consider  what 
an  entanglement  to  be  hampered  with  if,  as  is  most  likely,  you  make  a 
sensation  at  the  ball. 

Margaret.  There  is  no  entanglement,  bir.  . 

Married  Clergyman.  Oh,  yes— he  sees  you  are  an  inexperienced  girl, 
or  would  not  have  written  that  note,  which,  even  as  a  Clergyman,  1 
must  call  insulting. 

.Mufjaret.  Do  you  really  think  so,  Sir? 

[The  catastrophe  is  easily  imagined,  and  when  AUNT  comes  back  to 
say  lunch,  MAEGAKET  kistes  her,  and  the  MABRIED  CLERGY- 
M  \N  remarks — 

I  trust,  dear  lady,  that  with  the  blessing  of  Providence,  our  darling 
MARGARITE  will  "be  a  blessing  to  you.  (To  MARGARET.)  The  tickets 
shall  be  safe — give  me  that  note. 

[He  takes  the  note,  and  that  night  it  is  returned  to  the  Artillery 
Companion  with  an  intimation  that  kid-ing  will  follow  the 
sending  another.  So  he  does  not  send  another. 

And  thus  two  Unruly  Children  are  quelled  by  the  fascinations  of  the 
Married  Clergyman. 

".FOB,    THE    OAK-THE    BRAVE    OLD    OAK." 

OME  ingenious  neighbours  of  Mr. 
Punch  have  invented  a  set  of  printed 
labels  to  be  stuck  upon  the  doors  of 
offices,  or  chambers,  when  the  occu- 
pant is  away.  They  advertise  forty 
varieties  of  affiches,  from  the  simple 
"  Return  at  j  to  2  "  to  the  elaborate 
notification  that  the  inmate  is  gone  to 
the  House  of  Commons  on  a  Railway 
Bill,  and  may  be  detained  all  day,  but 
found  in  Committee-room,  No.  150. 
But  even  the  forty  announcements 
fail  to  include  some  that  woidd  be 
useful  in  the  Temple  and  elsewhere, 
and  it  is  therefore  with  the  view  of 
giving  completeness  to  a  meritorious 
invention  that  Mr.  P.  suggests  a  few 
additions.  E.  g. : — 

"  Is  having  a  quiet  weed   inside 
with  two  fellows  from  the  Crimea,  and  don't  mean  to  be  bothered." 

"  Saw  you  coming,  as  per  threat,  and  having  no  tin  for  you,  sports 
oak." 

"  Expects  his  cousin  and  her  pretty  nieces  to  lunch,  and  don't  want 
the  pkce  tilled  with  your  cigar-smoke." 

"  Has  got  a  new  1  rench  novel,  and  has  no  idea  of  being  bored  with 
vour  reading  the  MS.  you  want  him  to  revise  and  recommend  to 
MR.  BENTLEY." 

"  Dined  at  Greenwich  yesterday,  and  is  lying  on  the  bed,  trying  to 
get  rid  of  the  whitebait  headache." 

"  Did  not  receive  your  note,  appointing  to  call  to-day  at  a  quarter  to 
three,  to  renew  that  bill,  and  borrow  the  discount." 

"  Is  late  with  an  article  for  Mr.  Punch,  and  prefers  finishing  it  to 
hearing  you  on  the  Chinese  question  and  the  Derby." 

"  Would  not  mind  you,  but  saw  MOSES  ISAACSON  walking  about  the 
square,  so  keeps  the  door  safe." 

"  Is  dressing  to  meet  some  nice  girls  at  the  Zoological,  and  you  '11 
want  to  go  too,  in  that  seedy  cut-a-way,  and  with  the  eternal  button 
off  your  boot." 

Wrote  you  word  that  he  is  out  of  town,  and  it  is  very  mean  of  you 
to  call  and  try  to  find  put  whether  it  is  true." 

"  Had  your  Irish  friend's  note,  but  before  making  your  acquaintance 

wants  to  hear  at  the  Club  whether  anybody  knows  any  tiling  against  you." 

"  Xevcr  intended  to  get  the  box  at  the  Opera  for  your  Guys  of 

sisters,  and  don't  mean  to  see  you. until  it  is  too  late  to  write  to 

MR.  LUMLEY." 

Mr.  Punch  had  an  intention  of  patenting  the  above  improvements 
upon  the  original  invention;  but,  on  second  thought,  his  generosity 
over-rides  his  worldly  wisdom,  and  he  places  them  at  the  service  of  his 
neighbours  at  the  S.E.  corner  of  Wickedness  Lane. 


THEATRE,    BANKRUPTCY     COURT. 

ON  Wednesday,  the  22nd  inst.,  will  be  repeated  the  Tragico-Religioso- 
Hypocritico  Drama  of 

THE  ROYAL  BRITISH  BANK, 

In  which  ME.  HUMPHREY  BROWN  (late  M.P.  for  Tewkesbury)  will 
make  his  first  appearance. 

ALSO   MB.   ALDERMAN    KENNEDY. 

These  representations  have  been  got  up  regardless  of  expense,  and  will 

be  repeated  as  long  as  they  are  found  to  pay. 

A  negotiation  is  pending  for  the  early  appearance  (D.V.)  of  that 

Distinguished  Manager, 

ME.    HUGH   INNES    CAMERON, 

And  an  anxious  public  will  have  due  notice  of  the  much-desired  event, 

as  soon  as  may  be  overcome  the  natural  timidity  of  a  gentleman, 

evidently 

BORN    TO    BLUSH    UNSEEN. 

Very  little  Money  returned. 


Vivat  Lex. 


SPARKS  PROM   FLINT. 


IT  used  to  be  supposed  that  between  the  two  eminent  CHANCELLORS 
DISRAELI  and  GLADSTONE  there  was  about  as  little  sincere  affection 
as  between  any  other  couple  in  the  country,  which  is  saying  a  good 
deal  in  these  days.  On  one  fearful  night,  in  particular,  in  the  winter 
of  1852,  Mr.  Punch  remembers  with  a  shudder  how  MR.  DISRAELI, 
then  (but  only  a  few  hours  longer)  a  minister  of  the  Crown,  stood  on 
the  SPEAKER'S  right  hand,  and  in  Shylock  attitude  and  in  Shylock 
tones  did  emit  the  most  bitter  mockery  of  his  antagonist  ;  and  how 
MR.  GLADSTONE  then  arose,  and,  late  as  was  the  hour,  enforced  the 
House's  attention  while  he  tore  Mil.  DISRAELI  limb  from  limb,  and 
danced  over  his  mangled—  budget.  All  this  is  now  over,  righteous- 
ness and  peace  have  kissed  each  other,  and  while  MR.  GLADSTONE  is 
"  to  return  to  his  natural  place  among  the  Conservatives,"  no  jealousy 
"  on  the  part  of  his  brilliant  contemporary  is  to  hinder  either  from 
rendering  the  most  effectual  service." 

But  the  mantle  of  DISRAELI  is  not  hung  upon  a  peg.  It  has  fallen 
upon  shoulders  eminently  calculated  to  wear  it.  MR.  GLADSTONE,  in 
his  eagerness  to  damage  "LORD  PALMEIISTON,  has  condescended  to  go 
down  into  Flintshire,  and  deliver  speeches  to  the  Flints  in  favour  of 
his  relative,  SIR  S.  GLYNNE.  The  Flints,  however,  were  as  firm  as 
their  namesakes  in  the  Quadrupeds,  and  would  not  be  moved  by  the  great 
orator.  They  would  not  send  SIK  STEPHEN  (Puseyite  though  he  is) 
to  his  namesake's  chapel.  But  after  one  of  MR.  GLADSTONE'S  elaborate 
addresses,  a  manufacturer,  MR.  JAMES  HALL,  arose,  and  to  the  very 
face  of  the  Oxford  DEMOSTHENES,  delivered  a  Philippic,  for  our  know- 
ledge of  which  we  are  indebted  to  the  Oswestry  Advertiser.  A  sample, 
with  the  HALL  mark,  will  suffice  to  show  what  MR.  GLADSTONE  caught 
in  Flintshire. 

"Gentlemen,—  This  is  the  RIGHT  HON.  ME.  GLADSTONE,  who  sat  in  the  Cabinet, 
and  consented  to  the  policy  tiiat  led  us  into  the  Russian  <nr(M«r<).  You  recollect 
the  state  of  alarm  into  which  the  nation  was  thrown  by  the  graphic  and  heart- 
rending details  of  the  suffering,  starvation,  and  death  of  our  bravo  troops,  which 
proceeded  from  the  immortal  RUSSELL  of  the  Times  (great  cheering,  and  one  cheer  more 
/or  WILLIAM  RUSSELL  by  Mr.  lunch).  You  recollect  when  MR.  ROEBUCK  moved  for 
'a  committee  to  inquire  why  the  people's  brave  army  were  dying  of  hunger  and  cold, 
while  the  people's  ships  were  laden  with  clothes  and  provisions  within  seven  miles 
of  the  scene  of  their  disasters  (cheering).  Now  what  do  you  think  was  the  conduct 
of  the  RIGHT  HON.  W.  E.  GLADSTONE  and  his  associates?  Under  a  pretended 
offence  at  LORD  PALMERSTON'S  acceding  to  the  appointment  of  this  committee,  they 
left  office  and  fled  (shame).  Yes,  Sir  (turning  to  MB.  G.),  whilst  the  honour  of  Eng- 
land, and  for  aught  we  know,  her  liberties,  her  freedom,  and  domestic  firesides, 
upon  which  you  have  been  so  eloquently  descanting,  were  trembling  in  the  balance 
—  (immense  cheerin<i)—in  the  hour  of  your  country's  peril—  in  the  hour  of  the  nation's 
need—  you  exemplified  a  total  want  of  that  leading  characteristic  of  a  great  states- 
man—true courage  (great  cheering).  I  tell  you,  Sir,  the  nation  trusted  you,  and  you 
have  deceived  her—  {cheers)—  and  I  hope  and  believe  the  tjme  is  far  distant  when  you 
will  have  another  opportunity  (great  cheering).  One  grain  of  true  patriotic  courage 
will  out-weigh,  in  the  estimation  of  the  peoplo  of  England,  all  your  commanding 
talents,  plausibility,  and  powers  of  persuasion  (loud  cheers).  I  tell  you,  Sir,  and  in 
doing  so,  I  disclaim  all  feelings  of  personal  disrespect,  that  you  are  a  GREAT  POLITI- 
CAL COWARD  (great  cheering).  I  should  think  when  you  meet  a  man  in  a  red  coat, 
who  has  maintained  the  honour  of  his  country,  you  will  blush  in  his  presence  (cheers). 
Tliu  humblest  soldier  who  wears  a  Crimean  medal  ou  his  mauly  breast,  is  a  patriot 
far  above  your  mark  (loud  cheers)." 


A  TERRIBLE  REVERSE.— "No  children,  nowa-days,  Ma'am!    All 
our  children    are  men— and  all  our  men  arc  childish,   Ma'am !  "- 
MR.  FOGEY. 


,  MR.  DISRAELI,  what  do  you  say  to  MR,  HALL  ?  You  have 
considerable  courage,  but  did  you  ever  open  upon  an  enemy  in  that 
fashion?  There  is  something  to  be  learned,  Sir,  even  in  Wales. 
Moreover,  the  oratory  was  successful,  for  a  motion  pledging  the  meeting 
iigainst  MR.  GLADSTONE'S  candidate  was  unanimously  carried.  Had 
you  not  better  take  some  lessons  of  MR.  HALL  ? 


D£    BALLOONATICO. 


OR    Til  15    LONDON    CllAliiV  Alii. 


153 


NLY 

sec 


those  who  wish  to 

their     phililn  -n     .-'II 

baUoonatica, 

will  not  agree.  with  us 
that  someutiig  must  be 
done  to  cheek  tlie  mania 
for  toy-balkxjM,  whicli 
seems  to  be  almost  as 
catching  as  the  measles. 
Kvcry  nursery  we  enter 
(and'  whore  is  the  well- 
regulated  child  of  three 
years  old  that  can  exist 
without  its  weekly  look 
at  r/ttirli)  we  find  to  be 
hall'  full  of  those  thin 
gutta  percha  soap-bub- 
bles, which  have  been 
dignified  by  eupltuists 
v.  iih  the  title  of  bal- 
loons. One  can  scarcely 
walk  three  yards  in  ;m> 
public  thoroughfare  with- 
out having  half-a-dozen 
of  them  flopped  im< 
face,  and  one's  educated 
car  being  annojcd  by  the 
remark  that  they  arc 
"pnfficHy  armless,  and 
hon'y  tHppeaoe  be«cli." 
Of  their  "armlesaew," 
however,  we  must  say  we 
have  some  doubt,  seeing 
what  a  strong  tempt  at  ion 
they  present,  to  any  scien- 
tific infant  to  try  experi- 
ments by  making  them 
aerial  machines.  Having 
the  feelings  of  a  pater- 
familias, we  are  not  with- 
out some  nervousness  test 

we  may  hear  our  nursemaid  running  down-stairs  to  her  "  missus  "  some  fine  morning, 
with  the  appalling  intelligence  that,  "  Oh  !  if  you  please,  Mem,  ere's  Miss  ARMET 
aye  bin  a-o  lowed  hout  o"  winder,  Mem  :  "  and  as  we  have  little  wish  to  see  our 
rising  generation  flying  off  in  this  way,  we  think  that  while  their  present 


symptoms  of  balloonacy  continue,   we  shall  be  justified 
in  keeping  them  in  more  than  ami  restraint. 

\\  i  ha\c  a  u'reat.  aversion  to  appear  as  an  unnaturally 
"stern  piirirut,'3  and  our  milk  of  human  kindness  fairly 
curdles  at  the  thought  that  our  offspring  may  regard  us  a3 
the  BOMBA  of  their  nursery;  but  we  really  hue  some 
notion  of  our  issuing  an  edict,  forbidding  anv  child  of  ours 
to  play  with  a  balloon,  until  we  have  devised  the  m 
neutralise  its  elevating  tendency. 


THE  LEGION  OF  HONESTY. 

THE  French  have  been  considered  to  be  IV. 
inventions,  anil  we  have  had  credit  for  improving  on  their 
ideas.  Our  brilliant,  allies  have  lately  been  doing  some- 
thing  which  \\e  might  both  imitate  and  improve  upon.  The 
Prefect  of  Police  has  awarded  recompenses  to  twenty-three 
Cab-drivers  for  their  honesty  in  ilehveiing  up  articles  left 
by  passengers  in  their  vehicles.  This  is  an  example  which 
Sin  HICIIAKII  MAYNK  might  be  advantageously  authorised 
to  follow.  Ceitilicalcs  of  honesty  have  also  been  given 
to  forty-one  other  drivers,  and  the  names  of  all  these 
exceptional  Cabmen  have  been  posted  up  at  all  the 
for  public  carriages.  This  is  an  example  whereon  .\lt(. 
JOHN  \\\  i.i,  might  improve.  Let  certificates  of  honesty  be 
eiven  to  all  such  Joint  Stock  Company  Directors  as  shall 
nave  been  proved  to  have  deserved  them,  and  let  the 
names  of  all  those  gentlemen  be. posted  in  Capel  Court.. 


Copy-Book  Maxims, 
J-'nr  Unit  Children  of  a  Larfer  ffrcaftk. 

TIKI  much  vim  gar  spoils  the  salad. 
Gutta  I  -  i  tor  the  sole 

Ceremonies,  like  flaps,  are  best  waived. 
Prejudices  and  froffs  croak  loudest  in  the  dark. 
With  men,  a1*  with  monuments,  position  is  everything. 
The  busy  tongue,  sooner  than  not  talk.  scandalise*. 
An  English  wife  and  u  French  cook  ! — if  a  man's  homo  is  not  happy 
with  those  blessings,  it  is  his  own  fault ! 


MINE   INTELLIGENCE. 


THERE  are  men,  like  mines,  that  do  not  pay  for  the 
working ;  so,  before  you  select  your  man,  mind  he  is 
well  worth  the  plant. — A  Modern  MaekiaveUixt. 


LORD  PALMERSTON  IN  THE  HANDS  OF  BOMBA. 

LORTJ  PALMERSTON— let  MR.  GLADSTONE  rejoice— has  been  sold  in 
Naples.  "  A  splendid  engraving  of  his  Lordship,"  writes  the  Times 
correspondent,  was  lately  sold,  with  other  effects,  the  property  of 
the  late  SIR  WILLIAM  TEMPLE.  The  portrait,  like  the  original,  was 
handsomely  framed ;  doubtless,  as  the  poet  saith,  "  framed  to  make 
women  false."  The  picture  was  nominally  bought  by  a  Modenese 
purchaser;  but,  in  reality,  as  Mr.  Punch  learns  from  indisputable 
sources,  was  bought  for  the  KINO  OF  NAPLES  himself,  and.was  straight- 
way conveyed  to  his  Majesty  at  Caserta. 

KING  BOMBA  jximped  from  his  sofa  with  a  cannibal  shout,  when  the 
portrait  was  laid  at  his  feet.  He  then  drew  his  sword,  and  for  a  good 
five  minutes  nourished  it  menacingly  about  the  diplomatic  head,  the 
smiling  face  of  the  amiable  Viscount ;  that— to  the  increasing  indig- 
nation of  his  sacred  Majesty— seemed  to  smile  the  more,  the  closer,  the 
glittering  steel  flashed  and  flashed  about  it. 

And  then  his  Majesty  roared  for  aqua-fortis ;  and'at  a  thought — for 
such  articles  are  always  at  hand  in  the  well-furnished  retreat  of  Caserta 
—the  aqua-fortis  was  produced,  and  the  portrait  of  PALMERSTON, 
la  bestia,  laid  upon  the  table. 

And  then  his  Majesty,  with  the  •  pommel  of  his  sword,  struck 
the  glass— so  struck  it  that  it  might  l>e  shivered  to  pieces,  and  the 
copper-plate  lineaments  of  il  villano  lie  bare  and  black  before  him. 
But  the  more  his  sacred  Majesty  struck,  the  more  hard  became  the 
glass ;  until  at,  length  the  sword-pommel  rebounded  from  the  unflawed 
crystal  as  from  a  diamond.  His  Majesty  was  amazed  and  puzzled. 
There  was  no  reaching  that  accursed  countenance,  that  smiled  and 
smiled  the  more,  the  more  attempted  by  the  sword-pommel  of  an 
anointed  king. 

Whereupon,  his  Majesty  besought  advice  of  MONSIGNORE  DOPPIO- 
VOLTO,  his  episcopal  confessor :  and,  with  a  thought,  the  priest  turned 
the  portrait  on  its  face ;  and  with  a  pair  of  pincers,  that  he  had  about 
him — (now  and  then  the  priest  had  been  sent  on  errands  of  mercy  to 
the  political  prisoners) — the  pious  man  withdrew  the  small  nails  that 


held  the  board  that  backed  the  picture.  In  a  trice,  the  portrait— a 
very  fine  engraving,  in  the  diplomatic  line  manner— lay,  an  unprotected 
piece  of  paper,  on  the  table. 

And  then  his  Majesty,  with  a  yell  of  satisfaction,  as  though  he  was 
about  to  put  out  for  ever  and  for  ever  the  very  eyes  of  liberty,  poured 
aqua-fortis  on  the  engraven  orbs  of  HENRY  LORD  PALMERSTOX  ;  and 
HENRY— to  the  further  amazement  of  his  anointed  Majesty — only 
winked  and  winked  the  more  knowingly,  the  more  defyingly. 

"  A I  fuoco  !  Al  fuoco .' "  cried  his  sacred  Majesty ;  and  the  logs  on 
the  royal  hearth  were  lighted,  and  the  engraving  of  HENRY  LORD 
PALMERSTON  was  laid  upon  the  embers,  but  would  not  burn.  His 
sacred  Majesty  poked,  his  confessor  poked,  but  still— as  though  printed 
on  incombustible  asbestos— the  accursed  piece  of  paper  would  not  feed 
the  fire.  No ;  still  HENRY  LORD  PALSLEKSTON  lay  upon,  the  logs,  and 
like  a  virgin  martyr,  smiled ! 

"Wood!  wood!  more  wood!"  cried  his  sacred  Majesty;  and  new 
logs  were  heaped  and  heaped,  and  red-hot  pincers  were  applied  to  the 
printed  PALMERSTON  :  the  engraved  Minister,  nevertheless,  would 
not  burn— would  n9t  even  curl  with  the  heat,  but^still  lay  at  length, 
and,  as  it  were,  defyingly,  upon  the  logs. 

So  much  wood  was  brought  and  piled,  that  at  length — the  windows 
being  shut— his  sacred  Majesty  cried  aloud  for  air.  The  old  story  ! 
—that  nuildelto  PALMERSTON  always  made  every  amiable  foreign  court 
much  too  hot  to  hold  him. 

The  windows  were  opened ;  and  for  a  minute— free  air  rushing  in— 
PALMERSTON  seemed  to  burn.  The  flames  caught  the  picture !  the 
picture  seemed,  for  a  moment,  a  piece  of  filmy  ash.  But  for  a  moment. 
And  then,  flying  from  the  fire,  like  an  autumn  flight  of  swallows,  there 
passed  through  the  windows,  what  seemed  a  thousand  thousand  copies 
of  HENRY  LORD  PALMERSTON,  Prime  Minister  of  England.  Where 
they  alighted,  we  know  not ;  where  they  are  to  be  found,  we  know  not. 
But  this  we  think  we  know.  It  only  depends  upon  his  L9rdsuip  to 
hang  up  that  picture  about  the  heart  of  every  honest  Neapolitan. 

After  all — and  this  is  a  sad  thought — very  many  copies  could  not  be 
I  disposed  of. 


154 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  18,  1857. 


THE  REWARD  OF  GOOD  LIVING. 

WE  invite  the  Band  of  Hope — not  meaning  ME.  BEHES- 
FORD  HOPE  and  his  Puseyite  connection,  but  another 
small  tea-party,  so  to  speak,  consisting  of  equally  nice  men 
— to  meditate  upon  the  following  paragraph,  which  we  are 
indebted  for  to  the  Hampshire  Independent  -. — 

"DEATH  OF  THE  OLDEST  MAN  IK  LYMINOTON.— On  the  morning  of 
Tuesday  last,  March  31st.  MR.  WILLIAM  PITT,  the  old  and  much 
I  respected  parish  clerk  of  Lymirjgton,  departed  this  life,  in  his  94th 
year.  He  was  a  short  strong-built  man,  fond  of  good  living,  and  a 
cheerful  glass  with  a  few  friends,  and  throughout  life  enjoyed  the 
most  robust  health.  Till  within  the  last  few  months  he  might  be  seen 
walking  briskly  along  our  High  Street,  as  upright  and  unbending  in 
his  gait  as  he  was  harmless  and  irreproachable  in  his  conduct.  Peace 
to  his  memory." 

By  the  example  above  recorded  we  are  taught  that 
health  and  longevity  are  quite  compatible  with  a  more 
agreeable  regimen  than  that  of  total  abstinence  from  fer- 
mented liquors.  For  MR.  PITT  was  fond  of  a  cheerful 
glass— the  glass  which  cheers  more  than  a  cup  of  tea, 
and  inebriates  not  any  more,  if  quaffed  discreetly.  How 
many  persons  there  are,  who,  restricting  themselves  en- 
tirely to  slops,  are  cut  off  in  the  prime  of  life,  if  such  lives 
as  theirs  have  any  prime,  or  come  to  an  untimely  end ! 
whereas,  here  is  a  man  who  indulged  in  conviviality,  and 
not  merely  lived  to  threescore-and-ten,  or  barely  to  four- 
score, but  nearly  attained  to  the  age  of  a  hundred,  and 
died  a  fine  old  gentleman. 


OF    A   VERY    STUDIOUS    TURN. 

Mamma,  "WHO  is  THIS  HAMPER  FOR! — WHY  FOB  POOB   JEBBY,  WHO  is   AT 
SCHOOL,  YOU  KNOW." 
Darling  (reflectively).  " OH!— DON'T  YOU  THINK,  MA,  I  HAD  BETTER  GO  TO  SCHOOL?" 


VIVAT   REGINA! 

THE  Court  Circular  the  other  day,  for  once  in  the  way, 
contained  an  interesting  statement ;  namely,  the  follow- 
ing :— 

"The  ancient  and  Royal  Charities  of  Maunday  Thursday  were  dis- 
tributed yesterday  to  3S  Maunday  men  and  38  Maimdiiy  women,  with 
the  customary  formalities  in  Whitehall  Chapel.  The  number  of  each 
sex  corresponds  with  the  age  of  HER  MAJESTY." 

The  fact  mentioned  in  the  last  sentence  of  the  ab9ve 
paragraph,  would  obviously  suggest,  if  any  such  suggestion 
were  wanted,  the  exclamation  ot  "  Long  live  the  QUEEN  ! 
May  the  numbers  of  Maunday  men  and  Mauuday  women, 
respectively,  increase  to  as  much  above  three-score  and  ten 
as  the  nature  of  things  admits  of. 


Dn  MINOR(I)ES.— MOSES  AND  SON. 


THE  NEW  SALOON  OMNIBUS-A  GRUMBLE. 

THE  Omnibus  is  "  fitted  up  with  regard  to  comfort."— There  is,  in 
this  vale  of  tears,  too  much  comfort  as  it  is.  Make  the  world  too 
comfortable,  and  some  people  will  never  leave  it. 

There  is  no  "  knife-board." — Why  not  ?  Without  a  knife-board,  how 
can  men  show  themselves  proper  "  bricks,"  by  getting  upon  it  ? 

Inside  there  are  two  "bell-pulls." — What 's  the  use,  then,  of  carrying 
sticks  P  What 's  a  conductor  made  for,  but  to  poke  at  him  ! 

There  is  "an  umbrella  stand." — What  room  does  an  umbrella  take  ? 
Gammon.  What's  the  use  of  an  umbrella-stand,  without  pegs  for 
Crinolines  ? 

The  floor  "  is  perfectly  level." — Of  course,  and  like  these  revolu- 
tionary times.  Putting  ERNEST  JONES  on  the  same  footing  with 
PRINCE  ALBERT. 

"  As  near  privacy  as  you" can  be  in  anything  public." — The  same 
may  be  said  of  a  sentry-box ;  but  only  fools  enlist  for  all  that. 

But  the  best  of  all  this  is,  I,  Mr.  Punch,  for  one,  don't  beljeve  in 
omnibus  improvements :  they  've  been  like  the  improvements  of  what , 
I  believe,  is  called  our  fellow  creatures  by  MR.  OWEN, — they  've  been 
so  long  promised  that  we  shall  go  on  for  ever  and  ever  without  'em. 

That,  Mr.  Punch,  is  the  opinion  of 

A  BLADE  ON  THE  KNIFE-BOARD. 


Chitty's  Practice  of  Boating. 

IN  an  account  of  the  recent  University  Boat-B-ace,  a  name  of  great 
legal  celebrity  was  somewhat  curiously  ^mentioned.  Allusion  was 
made  to 

"  MR.  CHITTY,  whose  practice  at  the  oar's  end  as  one  of  the  University  of  Oxford 
has  gained  him  great  laurels.*' 

Some  of  our  readers,  learned  in  the  law,  will  probably  now  have 
heard  for  the  first  time  of  CHITTY'S  Practice  at  the  Oar's  End." 


YEH'S  HUSBANDRY. 

URELY  among  the  many  "mad 
acts  of  COMMISSIONER  YEH, 
that  recorded  in  the  follow- 
ing newspaper  paragraph, 
may;  for  one,  be  regarded 
as  simply  absurd ;  as  ridicu- 
lous without  being  likewise 
horrible : — 

"Accounts  from  Canton  say 
that,  under  YEH'S  direction,  the 
ploughshare  had  traversed  the 
site  ot  the  late  factories,  which 
the  Commissioner  had  sown  with 
salt." 

What  sort  of  crop  MR. 
YEH  expected  to  raise  from 
his  salt  it  is  not  easy  to 
imagine,  unless  he  may  be 
supposed  to  have  had  an 
eye  to  the  sort  of  harvest 
that  old  CADMUS  got  by 
sowing  dragon's  teeth. 
Whilst  he  was  about  play- 
ing the  fool  with  salt  in  this 
manner,  he  mifjht  as  well 
have  salted  the  junk,  as  the 
soil  of  his  country.  If,  in 
sowing  saline  matter,  he 
intended  to  symbolise  the 
dissension  which  he  has  sown,  he  should  have  chosen  saltpetre  in 
preference  to  common  salt  for  that  purpose ;  for  in  saltpetre  is  con- 
densed the  blast  of  gunpowder,  and  in  sowing  the  wind  as  it  were,  MB. 
YEH  might  have  intimated  the  apprehension  that  he  was  likely  to  reap 
the  whirlwind. 


APRIL  18,  1857.] 


PUNCH,    OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


157 


MRS.    JONES'S    MODEL    OMNIBUS. 

"  My  DEAR  AUNT,  "  London,  April,  1857. 

"  You  will  be  glad  to  hear  that  London  is  now  in  course  of 
being  actually  supplied  with  convenient,  ( Imnibuses— vehicles  which 
you  have  often  expressed  so  earnest  a  longing  for,  and  \vherein,  as  you 
have  always  said  on  those  occasions,  one  can  sit  without  being  squeezed 
and  seninged  almost  to  death,  and  can  ride  witli  comfort  to  one's  poor 
old  bones.  Six  of  these  conveyances  have  been  already  started,  and 
the  proprietors — a  public  company — are  having  others  built  as  fast  as 
possible;  so  that,  when  next  you  come  to  1  own,  you  will,  no  doubt, 
find  plenty  of  them  rcadv  to  lake  yon  to  the  Bank  and  to  St.  Paul's 
Churchyard,  and  may,  therefore,  expect  to  have  your  customary  jour  - 
nevs  to  those  places  greatly  smoothed.  These  carriages,  Aunt,  are 
called  'Saloon  Omnibuses' — 'Saloon,'  observe,  if  you  plea.se;  two 
syllables;  not  '  Sloon.'  They  are,  of  course,  much  larger  than  the 
common  omnibuses  ;  so  that  they  afford  sufficient  space,  not  only  for 
a  lady  of  ample  proportions,  but  also  for  her  bundle,  her  bandbox,  her 
umbrella,  her  pattens,  and  the  parcels  which  she  has,  perhaps,  pur- 
chased at  the  grocer's  and  the  hncndraper's.  Inside,  they  are  titled 
up  in  the  style  of  a  first-class  railway  carriage,  and  there  is  no  crowding 
and  crushing — precisely  that  blessed  arrangement  that  you  have  ever 
desired  on  oehalf  of  them  as  knows  what  it  is  to  suffer  from  they 
plaguy  corns  and  bunions.  So  considerately  have  those  excrescences 
been  provided  for,  that  people  can  walk  from  one  end  to  the  other  of 
the  'bus  without  even  touching  other  people,  not  to  say  without 
lu'tching  their  feet  in  your  gown,  and  tearing  it,  or  trampling  upou  it 
with  their  nasty  dirty  boots.  Two  bell-pulls  enable  you  to  communi- 
cate with  both  the  conductor  and  the  driver,  instead  of  employing 
your  voice  for  that  purpose,  or  using  your  umbrella.  By  the  way,  if 
that  little  encumbrance  happens  to  be  dripping  wet,  there  is  a  stand 
\vhere  you  can  put  it,  to  dribble  into  that,  in  place  of  moistening  your 
right  or  left  hand  neighbour.  In  what  they  call  the  coupe,  you  can  sit 
apart  from  the  other  passengers,  if  their  looks  are  disagreeable  or  iin- 
perent,  or  if  they  make  you  narvous.  You  are  well  ventilated,  which  will 
be  a  great  thing  for  you  on  a  sweltry  day,  and  at  night  you  are  lighted 
well  enough  to  enable  you  to  read  your  Punch.  No. advertisements  are 
to  be  allowed  in  the  Saloon  Omnibuses ;  thus  a  great  temptation  will 
be  removed  out  of  your  way,  and  the  omnibus  will  take  you  in  only  to 
carry  you,  and  not  by  deluding  you  with  puffs.  The  outside  arrange- 
ments of  course  do  not  concern  you,  and  you  may  not  care  to  be  told 
that  there  is  a  comfortable  seat  overhead ;  but  you  will  be  gratified  by 
the  information  that  the  means  of  getting  up  there  are  easy,  so  that 
the  nuisance  of  men  clambering  on  the  roof  is  abolished.  It  may  be  a 
satisfaction  to  you  to  know  that  these  omnibuses  have  been  approved 
of  by  SIR  RICHARD  MAYNE  and  the  Police  authorities ;  but  when  I 
tell  you  that  they  have  also  met  with  the  approbation  of  the  LORD 
MAYOR  and  the  LADY  MAYORESS,  you  will  feel  a  perfect  confidence  in 
them.  They  came  out,  as  I  think  you  would  express  it,  on  the  Thurs- 
day afore  Good  Friday  as  ever  was;  first  they  went  in  procession, 
loaded  inside  and  out,  to  Scotland  Yard,  and  men  proceeded  to  the 
Mansion  House,  where  the  LORD  MAYOR  ai,d  his  lady,  not  onlv,  as  I 
said,  signified  their  approbation  of  them,  but  were  to  much  pleased 
with  them  that  they  invited  the  chairman  and  ctlici  members  of  the 
company  to  lunch ;  naturally  looking  upon  a  spacious  omnibus  as  a 
very  great  boon  to  the  Aldermen  and  Corporation  at  large.  I  expect, 
my  dear  Aunt,  that  in  the  construction  and  appointments  of  these 
conveyances  you  will  find  little,  if  anything,  to  worrit  you,  and  to 
occasion  you,  on  your  return  from  an  expedition  in  one  of  them,  to 
pronounce  the  imprecation  of  '  Drat  they  omnibuses ! '  I  trust,  too, 
that  civility  on  the  part  of  the  driver  and  conductor  will  be  secured  by 
adequate  provisions ;  so  that  you  will  ;never  be  unfeelingly  invited  to 
'jump  in '—as  if  jumping  were  not  out  of  the  question  for  you — by 
the  disrespectful  appellation  of  '  Old  'ooman.'  A  volume  of  letters  on 
the  subject  of  behaviour  was  once  composed  by  a  polite  nobleman. 
Perhaps  the  servants  of  the  company  will  be  required  to  pass  an 
examination  in  that  work,  or  else  in  a  more  recent  publication  entitled 
Hints  on  Etiquette.  In  conclusion,  my  dear  Aunt,  let  me  express  the 
hope,  that  the  prospect  of  omnibus  accommodation  will  tempt  you 
to  come  up  shortly  to  town,  and  see  your  expectant  Nephew, 

"JACOB  JONES." 

"  P.S. — I  should  not  recommend  you  to  keep  it  fin  an  old  stocking. 
I  can  find  you  a  better  investment,  than  that. — J.  J." 


Historical  Saying. 

"  LOOK  at  those  brave  English  Troops !  See  how  firm  they  stand ! 
On  my  word,  they  are  like  carpets— not  only  true  to  their  colours, 
but,  by  Jove,  they  never  know  when  they're  beaten!" — NAPOLEON 
(the  Uncle)  at  Waterloo.  

INSCRIPTION  FOR  BUBBLE  BANKS.—"  No  money  returned." 


1.L1XJY  OX  GREENWICH   FAIR. 

YE  rogues  and  t liieves,  it  little  gi 

Me,  that  I  've  to  declare, 
A  fact  your  set  will  much  regret 

The  nid  of  Greenwich  Fair. 
That  inonstioMs  bore  exists  no  more, 

This  year  it  up  was  done, 
"i'i-  sow.— :tis.  tied,  for  e\ii  dead, 

The  fair  and  all  its  fun. 

Of  fun  what  lack !— 'twas  down  the  back 

To  scratch  the  larking  aents, 
With  toy  that  made  to  spoitive  blade 

His  coat  seem  torn  in  rents. 
The  showman's  clown,  used  up,  cast  down, 

No  mirth  within  him  had  ; 
The  harlequin  with  ghastly  u-rin, 

Looked  pitiably  sad. 

The  dancing-booths  with  dreary  youths 

And  wretched  womeu  teemed, 
Who  danced  in  gloom,  and  in  the  fume 

Of  bad  tobacco  steamed  • 
A  brutal  crew  to  hear  or  view, 

From  whom  you,  loathing,  shrunk  ; 
Of  whom  to  say  the  best  we  may, 

The  whole  of  them  were  drunk. 

And  Greenwich  town  was  upside  down, 

Turned  by  a  roaring  mob ; 
A' crowded  mass  of  human  ass, 
T  Trull,  ruffian,  scoundrel,  snob. 
Now  Greenwich  blest  will  be  with  rest, 

And  all  good  people  there, 
Rejoiced  have  been  that  they  have  seen, 

An  end  of  Greenwich  Fair. 


The  Oldest  Error  on  Record. 

THE  invention  of  Gunpowder  has  generally  been  attributed  to  the 
Chinese.  This  must  be  an  error — our  stupid  historians  meant  surely 
to  say  "  Gunpowder-Tea  ?  " 

EDUCATION. — "  Yes,  Sir,"  (said  an  obtuse  Alderman,  who  had  been 
conversing  with  a  wonderful  Professor .  on  the  above  subject),  "  it's 
perfectly  true  memory  may  make  a  Learned  Pig ;  but  to  my  mind,  Sir, 
you  can't  stuff  him  better  than  with  onions." 


THE  PHILOSOPHY  OF  KANT.— A  woman  beats  the  old  German,  for 
her  philosophy  is,  mostly,  not  only  K.ANT,  but  Won't !  The  Hermit  of 
the  Haymarke't. 

MILITARY  PROMOTION.— ALEXANDER,  Emperor  of  all  the  Russias, 
is  about  to  gazette  himself  as  his  own  Army  tailor.  In  these  days  of 
peace  the  eagle  is  to  pair  with  the  goose. 


153 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  18,  1857. 


"WHAT  NEXT!" 

Smart  Young  Cad.  "  Now,  then  I  If  any  Lady  wishes  to  '  Correspond,' 
I  'm  quite  ready,  they  've  on'y  got  to  lay  so." 

Indignant  Old  Matron  (from  the  Provinces,  and  who  is  not  up  to  the 
French  system).  "  Goodnets  Gracious  me!  If  ever  I  heard  such  imperence 
— thi»  cornea  o'  teaching  the  lower  orders  to  read  and  write — correspond 
with  him,  indeed  I  " 


THE  CHAIR  OF  THE   DOUBTER. 

A  FATAL  present,  as  we  must  even  consider  it,  has  been  made  to 
the  magistrates  of  the  county  of  Derby.  They  are  now  in  possession 
— the  thing  is  "  for  their  use  in  the  County-Hall" — of  LORD  ELDON'S 
"judgment-seat;"  of  the  Chair  of  the  Doubter!  A  brass-plate  tells 
the  whole  story :  — 

"  This  Chair  was  the  judgment-seat  of  the  LORD  CHANCELLOR  ELDON,  in  Lineoln's- 
Inn-Hall,  during  the  many  years  that  he  held  the  Great  Seal,  and  is  the  one  deli- 
neated in  the  portraits  of  that  most  eminent  Judge,"  <fcc.  &c. 

The  brass-plate  that,  with  faithful  legal  verbosity,  tells  the  history  of 
the  "judgment-seat,"  with  its  last  delivery  to  the  county  magistrates 
of  Derby,  the  brass-plate  (the  fact  is  not  mentioned)  is  the  converted 
metal  of  a  coffin-plate  of  a  suitor  who  died  in  Chancery ;  and  who,  at 
his  death,  had  just  sufficient  means  to  purchase  the  little  metal  tablet 
that  told  of  his  deliverance  from  the  anxieties  of  this  world,  those 
of  Lincohi's-Inn-Hall  included.  However,  the  Chair  of  JOHN  THE 
DOUBTER,  being  now  in  the  County  Court  of  Derby,  it  is  needful  that, 
as  vigilant  watchers  of  the  public  welfare,  we  call  the  attention  of  the 
Derby  people  especially  to  the  likely  influences  of  the  ominous  present 
upon  the  administration  of  equity  and  justice  in  the  county  at  large. 

How  does  COWLEY  apostrophise  the  chair  made  out  of  "  the  reliques 
of  SIR  FRANCIS  DRAKE'S  Ship  "  that  went  round  the  world !  There 
was  vitality,  motion,  magic  in  the  seat.  Once  in  it,  and  it  was  again 
a  ship  cutting  "  the  burning  line."  And  so — 

" '  Prythee,  good  pilot,  take  heed  what  you  do, 
And  fail  not  to  touch  at  Peru  : 
With  gold  there  the  vessel  we  '11  store, 
And  never,  and  never  be  poor. 
And  never  be  poor  any  more." 

We  say,  we  much  fear  the  influence  of  this  old  arm-chair  removed 
from  Lincoln's-Inn-Hall.  We  much  fear  that  a  simple  county  magis- 
trate, once  placed  in  it,  the  seat,  so  to  speak,  will  get  into  his  head. 
We  know  not  what  dubious,  twilight  thoughts  may  arise  there,  as 
WORDSWORTH  says,  "by  natural  ascension."  For  let  us  only  think  of 
the  world  as  it  was — of  this  England  as  it  winked  and  maundered— 
whilst  LORD  ELDON  filled  the  judgment-seat,  whilst  LORD  ELDON  sat 
upon  the  neck  of  Equity  like  the  Old  Man  of  the  Sea  upon  Sinbad. 
What  were  the  doubts  that  did  and  did  not  possess  the  judge  in  that 
seat  in  Lincoln's-Inn-Hall  ?  Did  he  ever  doubt  the  purity,  the 
patriotism  of  GEORGE  THE  FOURTH?  Did  he  ever  doubt  the 
orthodoxy  of  the  chaste  DUKE  OP  YORK,  the  apostolical  BISHOP  OF 


PSNABURGH  ?  Did  he  ever  doubt  himself  in  his  devotion  to  the  monarch, 
in  his  belief  in  the  virtues  of  the  king's  brother  ?  Did  he  ever  doubt 
the  righteousness,  the  justice  of  dropping  the  PRINCESS  OF  WALES  in 
loyal  duty  to  that  first  gentleman,  her  husband  ?  We  take  it  no  such 
doubts  ever  stirred  beneath  the  horse-hair  of  that  conscientious  man, 
fixed  in  the  judgment-seat.  Doubts,  however,  did  come;  who  can 
doubt  them?  For,  at  that  time,  England  began  to  be  astir  with 
sedition.  Impiety  and  wickedness  were  abroad,  and  when  laid  by  the 
heels,  did  nevertheless  defy  LORD  ELLENBOROUGH  from  the  dock. 
And  then,  possibly,  JOHN  LORD  ELDON  doubted  whether  Haheiis 
dorpus  ought  not  to  be  for  ever  suspended  ;  whether  HONE  ought  not 
to  have  been  hanged,  and  whether  a  clamorous  Scotchman  named 
BROUGHAM  ought  not  somehow  to  be  for  ever  and  for  ever  crushed 
and  d  (unfounded.  When  the  DUKE  OF  YORK  was  laid  in  St.  George's 
Chapel,  did  not  LORD  ELDON  doubt  whether  the  Sun  of  Protestant 
England  was  not  for  ever  set  in  the  scarlet  sea  of  Rome :  though 
himself  resolving  to  survive,  if  possible,  and  watch  the  horrible  conse- 
quence;  to  which  end,  whilst  the  Defender  of  the  Protestant  faith  was 
lowered  into  the  vault,  did  not  the  astute  JOHN  LORD  ELDON,  warned 
by  the  mortal  coldness  of  the  chapel  flags,  stand  upon  his  hat  ? 

"  At  sea  there 's  but  a  plank  they  say 

'Twixt  sailors  and  annihilation  ; 
A  Hat  that  awful  moment  lay 
Twixt  Ireland  and  Emancipation." 

Now,  this  chair,  this  seat  of  a  quarter-of-a-century  of  doubt,  this 
chair  of  the  once  Chancellor,  JOHN  LORD  ELDON,  placed  at  the  disposal 
of  the  county  magistrates  of  Derby,  will  so  oppress,  so  mystify  the 
judicial  head  with  arising  doubts,  that  we  much  question  whether 
arbitration  will  ever  succeed  to  evidence.  With  ELDON'S  judgment- 
seat  in  the  county  Court  of  Derby,  we  advise  all  men  and  women  who 
would  litigate,  mutually  to  embrace  ;  for  though  they  may  bring  a 
grievance  only  a  week  old  into  court,  we  fear  it  will  be  so  long  doubted 
upon,  that  it  will  outlive  the  oldest  suit  yet  known  in  Lincoln's-Inn- 
Ilall.  We  so  strongly  feel  the  possibility  of  the  evil  influences  of  this 
Chair,  that  we  are  convinced  no  Derby  magistrate  will  be  able  to  sit 
in  it  for  a  single  morning,  without  for  ever  after  doubting  whether  he 
sits  upon  his  head,  or  quite  the  contrary. 


ALEXANDER  THE  GREAT. 

M.  ALEXANDRE  DUMAS  ("pi-re,  not  fils "),  continues  his  contribu- 
tions from  England  to  the  Presse,  and  evinces  his  perfect  compre- 
hension of  British  politics,  by  assuring  his  French  readers  that  the 
real  questions  which  agitate  society  here,  to  its  lowest  depths,  are  not, 
as  is  ignorantly  supposed,  LORD  PALMERSTON'S  fitness  for  office,  and 
the  propriety  of  the  Chinese  war,  but — the  admission  of  Jews  to  Par- 
liament, and  the  Sunday  question.  He  begs  his  countrymen  to  dis- 
believe any  assertions  to  the  contrary.  Mr.  Punch  has  only  to 
compliment  the  brilliant  story-teller  upon  the  acuteness  of  his  per- 
ceptions, and  to  assure  him  that  he  is  perfectly  right,  that  the  points 
he  has  mentioned  are  those  which  have  stirred  the  nation  so  enormously, 
and  that  its  palpitation  is  still  caused  by  the  considerations  he 
raises,  coupled  with  the  even  more  absorbing  and  maddening  questions 
of  the  Sound  Dues,  the  rumoured  resignation  of  LORD  CANNING,  and 
the  stoppage  of  Holborn,  owing  to  the  new  paving. 


CLERGYMEN  OF  ALL  COLOURS. 

WE  do  not  like  blue  clergymen ;  yellow  clergymen ;  pink  clergymen. 
We  look  upon  them  as  rather  monstrous.  Nevertheless,  such  many- 
coloured  pastors  have  abounded  at  the  late  elections;  the  reverend 
gentlemen  "giving  out"  candidates  from  the  hustings,  as  they  would 
give  out  the  morning  lessons  from  the  pulpit.  If  these  worthy  men 
feel  such  unconquerable  interest  in  their  party  friends,  why  do  they 
not  in  the  privacy  of  their  homes,  offer  up  a  small  prayer  for  them  ? 
Why  should  they  come  and  stick  figurative  ribbons  m  their  beavers ; 
as  though  men  were  to  be  "  shovelled  "  into  Parliament  by  benefit  of 
clergy  ?  A  correspondent  in  the  Times  gives  the  names  of  no  fewer 
than  thirteen  rjarsons ;  and  all  of  them,  dropping  manna  from  the 
hustings  ;  all  ot  them  talking  honey  with,  of  course,  not  so  much  as  a 
single  locust,  in  favour  of  the  tadpole  senators  they  propose  for  mature 
frogs.  The  Times  writer  calls  this  visitation  of  election  parsons  "  a 
wide-spread  evil."  We  rather  incline  to  think  it  the  very  worst  sort  of 
black  fever. 


Civil  and  Religious  Bigamy. 

_  MR.  JUSTICE  WILLES,  in  sentencing  a  bigamist  the  other  day,  told 
him  that  not  only  had  he  wronged  two  women,  "  but  had  profaned  a 
religious  ceremony,"  and  therefore  the  Judge  gave  him  two  months 
per  wife.  Bigamists  will  find  it  to  their  advantage  to  eschew  the 
service  that  begins  with  "Dearlv  beloved,"  and  ends  with  "Amaze- 
ment," and  to  marry  before  the  Registrar. 


APRIL  18,  1857.] 


PrXCII,    OR   THE    LONDON   CIIAltlVAIII. 


159 


THE    REVIVAL    OF    WITCHCRAFT. 

TUN  I—"  Thi  (!o<xi  Old  Dayt  of  Ada*  and  Em," 


( \  sigh  and  mourn  t'<>r  good  times  older, 
There 's  little  need  for  their  upholder ; 

A  few  folks  no\v  are  very  clever, 

But  many  arc  just  us  great  fools  as  ever: 

Continue  in  a  gross  condition 

Of  ignorance  and  superstition. 

Even  now  there  are  respectable  farmers 

Believing  in  wizards,  and  witches,  and  charmers. 

Oh  no !  oh  no !  we  need  not  grieve. 

For  the  good  old  days  of  ADAM  and  EVK. 

Against' their  faith  'tis' vain  to  battle. 

They  think  their  wives  and  children,  cattle, 

Their  cocks  and  hens,  their  horses  and  asses — 

For  all  the  enlightenment  of  the  masses — 

Bewitched,  enchanted,  and  bed-ridden 

By  crones  who  practise  arts  forbidden : 

And  when  they  see  them  mumble  and  mutter, 

Believe  they  have  cursed  their  cheese  and  butter. 

No  no,  my  friends,  we  need  not  grieve 

For  the  good  old  days  of  ADAM  and  EVE. 

When  at  night  they  hear  the  winds  loud  blowing, 

Their  heifers,  calves,  and  oxen  lowing, 

Cackling  geese,  and  horses  neighing, 

Squeaking  pigs  and  donkeys  braying, 

Watch-dogs  howling,  babies  squalling, 

Toms  and  tabbies  caterwauling, 

The  din  they  fancy  caused  by  witches, 

Who  damage  their  wealth  and  destroy  .thcir'riches. 

Oh  no,  my  friends,  we  cannot  grieve 

For  the  good  old  days  of  ADAM  and  EVK. 

Tales  they  tell,  which  you  may  swallow, 

How  a  fiery  dog  did  their  dog  follow, 

Who  presently  stopped  and  put  his  tongue  out 

Of  his  mouth  which  half  a  yard  long  hung  out ; 

And  how  they  heard  all  kinds  of  knocking, 

And  other  noises  equally  shocking : 

Quote  KING  JAMES  their  faith's  defender, 

And  cite  in  proof  the  Witch  of  Endor. 

No,  no,  indeed,  we  should  not  grieve 

For  the  good  old  days  of  ADAM  and  EVE. 

They  want  to  doom  old  women  to  slaughter, 
Under  pretence  of  Trial  by  Water, 
And  in  their  heads  they  cherish  the  maggot 
That  \ve  ought  to  return  to  fire  and  faggot ; 
Burn  the  witches,  and  hang  the  wizards, 
U'liu  stick  so  firmly  in  their  gizzards. 
Their  minds'  eye  still  sees  beldams  gliding 
About  by  night,  on  broomsticks  riding. 
So  then,  you  sec,  we  need  not  grieve 
For  the  good  old  days  of  ADAM  and  EVK. 

Old  wives,  whom  they  'd  consign  to  ducking, 

Have  warts  and  moles  by  imps  for  sucking, 

According  to  their  estimation, 

Of  which  they  ask  for  exploration 

By  pins  into  those  places  sticking, 

Or  all  such  spots  by  needles  pricking. 

From  a  knave  they  buy  counter-charms  and  riddles, 

Out  of  their  money  the  flats  who  diddles. 


^  on  '11  therefore  own  we  must  not  grieve 
Kor  the  good  old  days  of  ADAM  and  EVK. 

Not  only  folks  ill  lower  stations 

line  I'aith  in  charms  and  incantations, 

But  many  people  higher  rated, 

Are  equally  infatuated  : 

h'or  thej  hdicvc  in  spirit  tapping, 

Through  mediums  somehow   talilc-,  tapping, 

•  many  a  precious  (•rammer, 
>pelt  wrong  and  i|iiitr  devoid  of  grammar. 
Then  ln,w  can  an)  body  grh 
For  the  good  old  days  of  ADAM  and  EVE  ? 


NOTICES  OF  INSOLVENCY. 

Y  is  llr.in  r,v  (iivi.v  That  the  persona  w] names  and  de- 
scriptions arc  hereunder  written  intend  to  apply  at  the  next  \\Vst  minster 
Sessions  to  In-  relieved  from  all  the  liabilities  they  hau;  incurred  as 
Traders  upon  cant,  party-cries,  popular  ignma 

('•id ion  generally,  they  being  entirely  Bankrupt  in  political  reputation, 
and  Insolvent  as  regards  their  engagements  to  the  persons  with  whom 
i  hey  lur  Notices  of  opposition  mu.-.t  be  entered  on  the 

paper  of  the  House  of  Commons. 

DISRAELI.  KKXJVMI.V:  formerly  a  revolutionary  epicmonger ;  after- 
wards a  pupil  of  the  lute  JOSKIMI  HUMK,  radical,  deceased;  then  a 
tory-liberal  and  vitupcnitor  of  the  late  DAXII.L  <  )'( 'M\NKLL,  radical, 
I;  then  for  some  time  :i  tide-waiter  at  the  door  ot  the  late 
HoiiKia  l'i  i  i,  liuronet,  liberal  conservative,  deceased;  then  a  vitu- 
pcrator  of  the  said  KOUEIIT  PEEL,  and  a  hanger-on  at  the  stables  of 
the  late  CIKUWJK  LOUD  BENTINCK,  conservative,  deceased ;  also  bio- 
grapher of  the  said  (II.OROK  LOUD  BENTINCK;  then  in  the  service 
of  the  EAHL  at  DERBY  as  exceedingly  odd  man,  and  now  of  no 
occupation  whatsoever ;  of  Maidstone  in  1837,  of  Shrewsbury  in  1841, 
of  Buckinghamshire  in  1S17;  inventor  of  a  successful  specific  for 
getting  rid  of  proprietor*'  money,  called  the  Representative ;  also  of  a 
quack  mixture  called  the  Asian  Mystery,  for  the.  cure  of  social 
disorders;  also 'of  a  great  variety  of  more  or  less  adhesive  epithets 
fastened  on  with  tion  of  gall  and  impertinence ;  also  of  a  new 

date  for  the  Christian  era ;  also  of  an  Equitable  Adjustment  of  Taxa- 
tion, by  taking  it  off  the  territorial  aristocracy  and  placing  it  upon  the 
consolidated  fund ;  also  of  a  Treaty  between  England  and  France  for 
the  more  complete  subjugation  of  Italy ;  also  of  a  great  number  of 
Mare's  Nests,  for  which  he  received  no  consideration  or  credit  what- 
soever ;  does  not  admit  that  he  has  ever  failed  .in  business.or  anything 
else.  Attorneys.  THESIGER  and  NAPIER. 

GLADSTONE,  WILLIAM  EWART  :  formerly  holder  of  a  double  first- 
class  ticket  for  Oxford,  which  explains  his  habit  of  trying  to  go  two 
ways  at  once ;  then  a  doctor  of  civil  law,  which  was  a  degree  too  civil 
for  him,  and  he  has  since  laid  the  law  down,  with  incivility ;  afterwards 
a  conservative ;  then  a  Peelite,  and  since  a  partner  in  a  Manchester 
concern,  which  failed ;  at  various  times  in  business  for  himself  as  a 
sputter  of  hair,  and  also  as  an  upholder  in  the  Church  furniture  and 
ornament  line ;  also  as  a  maker  of  budgets,  in  which  he  was  successful, 
but  his  prospects  were  destroyed  by  the  war ;  also  as  the  representative 
of  NICHOLAS  ROMANOFF,  of  St.  Petersburg,  Turkish  toweller,  deceased ; 
also  in  partnership  with  GORDON  AND  Co.,  Aberdeen  software 
merchants,  bankrupt;  also  as  a  spinner  of  yarns  of  unprecedented 
length  and  tenuity ;  and  now  of  no  occupation  whatsoever,  except  that 
which  NICHOLAS  the  elder  habitually  provides  for  idle  hands  to  do;  of 
Newark  in  1832,  of  Oxford  in  1847;  attributes  his  failure  to  the 
existing  prejudice  against  non-natural  views  of  things.  Attorney, 
ROUNDELL  PALMER. 

COBDEN,  RICHARD  :  formerly  in  successfid  business  in  cheap  bread, 
in  connection  withjwhich  he  obtained  an  honourable  position,  and  dealt 
in  unadorned  eloquence ;  then  speculated  unsuccessfully  in  crumpling 
Russia  ;  then  partner  in  a  discovery  that  Russia  ought  not  to  be 
crumpled ;  then  in  a  land  scheme  for  allotting  to  Russia  waste  lands  in 
Moldavia  and  Wallnchia ;  then  in  business  as  a  peaecmonger,  and  em- 
barked in  a  scheme  for  paving  the  streets  of  St.  Petersburg  with 
English  flags ;  then  originator  of  a  proposal  for  feeding  the  British 
Lion  with  humble-pie  ;  then  partner  with  both  the  above-named  insol- 
vents in  a  scheme  for  introducing  a  new  Bottle-holder  of  Derby 
manufacture ;  of  Stockport  in  1841;  of  the  West  Riding  in  1847,  and 
now  of  no  place  whatsoever ;  attributes  his  failure  to  the  acknowledged 
tact  that  the  entire  nation,  with  the  exception  of  a  few  of  his  own 
friends,  is  in  a  state  of  insanity.  Attorney,  HADFIELD. 


Election  Eloquence. 

A  CYNIC  has  expressed  the  opinion  that  of  the  gentlemen  who  at 
the  late  election  addressed  their  constituents,  or  would-have-to-be 
constituents,  from  the  hustings,  the  majority  were  Poll  parrots. 


160 


PUNCH.   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  18,  1857. 


WONDERFUL    INTELLIGENT    CHILD. 

"  ROSE,   WILL   YOU   HAVE  SOME  DINNER.  ? " 

Rose.  "  HAVE  HAD  MY  DINNER." 

"  WHAT  HAVE  YOU  HAD  FOE  DINNER  ? " 

Rose.  "  SOMETHING  THAT  BEGINS  WITH  AN  S ! " 

"  AND  WHAT  BEGINS  WITH   AN  S  ?  " 

Rose.  "  COLD  BEEP  ! " 


ANGLO-FRENCH  FAMILY  EXHIBITION. 

THE  French  Government  has  instituted  a  French  and  . 
English  International  Fat  Cattle   Show,  with  the  view  of  [ 
encouraging  the  improvement  of  live-stock    in    France,  i 
This  Exhibition  has  been  just  held  at  Poissy  on  the  Seine. 
Prizes,  amounting  to  30,000  f.,  were  offered  by  the  Govern-  ' 
ment,  to  be  competed  for  by  French  and  English  fat  stock,  i 
These  circumstances  were  stated,  and  some  account  of  tin- 
Show  in  question  was  given  in  the  Times  of  Good  Friday. 
In  the  same  paper,  and  on  the  same  day,  the  expediency 
of  establishing  another  Prize  Show  may  have  been  sug- 
gested to  the  Government  of  NAPOLEON  III.    One  of  the 
leading  articles  referred  to  the  startling  fact  that,  whereas 
the  French  Census  of  1846  gave  an  increase  of  the  popu- 
lation to  the  amount  of  1,170,000,  the  last  Census,  for  the 
iivc  years  ending  1856,  showed  an  increase  of  only  256,000' 
souls.     These  figures  make  out  an  evident  case  for  the 
institution,  in  France,  of  a  show  of  live-stock,  the  notion 
whereof  was  originated,  not  in  England,  but  in  the  United 
States.    It  can  hardly  be  necessary  to  particularise  the 
kind  of   stock   in  question,    and  to  advise  the  French 
Government  to  get  up  an  International  Baby  Show. 

It  is  very  desirable  that  the  show  should  be  interna- 
tional, for  not  only  have  we  greatly  exceeded  our  neigh- 
bours as  to  this  stock  in  the  comparative  rate  of  produc- 
tion, but  they  have  sometimes  made  merry  at  our  expense 
on  that  very  account.  Une  famille  Anglaise  may  now 
present  itself  to  the  eyes  of  French  statesmen  as  some- 
thing not  to  be  laughed  at,  for  a  different  reason  from  that 
for  which  it  is  sometimes  no  joke  to  the  British  pater- 
familias. France  would  be  benefited  nationally,  and 
England  individually,  by  the  encouragement  of  Baby 
Shows  in  the  former  country.  The  liberal  allotment  of 
prizes  would  increase  the  French  Census  returns,  and 
greatly  alleviate  the  difficulties  of  particular  Britons  :  poor 
curates,  and  others,  who  are  blessed,  indeed,  with  nume- 
rous children,  but  not  exactly  with  the  knowledge  of  what 
to  do  with  them. 


Comfort  for  the   Carlton. 

THE  Press  says,  in  reference  to  the  elections,  "What 
tlie  Conservative  party  loses  numerically,  it  gains  in  unity." 
We  do  not  understand  this,  unless  it  means,  that  at  some 
contest  two  lean  Tories  have  gone  out  and  one  fat  Tory 
has  come  in.  If  this  be  our  contemporary's  meaning,  we 
can  have  no  objection  to  the  Conservative  party  gaming 
as  much  unity  as  it  pleases.  "  Let  them  have  men  about 
them  that  are  fat." 


FOR  SPEAKER. 


TO  THE  HOUSE  OF  COMMONS  ABOUT  TO  ASSEMBLE.— A 
Gentleman  who  holds,  and  has  long  held,  a  commanding  seat,  is  not  uuwilliug 
to  take  upon  himself  the  place  of  Speaker.  He  has  no  aristocratic  connections  ; 
but  has  all  bis  life  been  accustomed  to  look  high ;  if  he  has  never  looked  above  him, 
it  is  simply  because  such  visual  altitude  is  utterly  impossible.  He  can,  however, 
pledge  himself  to  impartiality  of  vision,  never  having  wiuked  at  any  advantage, 
however  small,  that  presented  itself  Ibr  his  benefit.  He  sleeps  with  ease  aud 
despatch  ;  having  for  several  years  sat  under  the  REVEREND  MR.  MUMBLECRUST  of 
Stamedwmdows,  without  any  interruption  to  that  most  comforting  pastor.  Salary 
is  every  object;  and  the  service  of  plate  forthcoming  on  every  new  parliament,  for 
private  reasons,  required  with  as  little  delay  as  the  public  service  will  allow. 
Please  to  Address  "  OXE  OF  THE  GRACCHI,"  to  the  Care  of  Mr.  Punch. 

•»»  The  natural  good  temper  of  Mr.  Punch  induces  him  to  insert  \ 
the  above  ;  inasmuch  as,  in  the  pending  struggle  for  Speakership,  he 
would  fain  not  stand  m  the  way  of  any  worthy,  however  humble 
individual.  Nevertheless,  Mr.  Punch  owes  it  to  himself  to  declare 
that  he  has  no  personal  knowledge  of  "  ONE  OF  THE  GRACCHI  ; "  and 
further,  from  what  he  has  known  of  the  modern  ancients,  he  is  gene- 
rally induced  to  write  down  BRUTUS  as  an  Anglo-Roman  who  bilks 
his  washerwoman ;  and  MUTIUS  SC^EVOLA  as  a' gentleman  addicted  to 
quit  his  lodgings  with  no  receipt  from  his  landlady. 


THE  "DIVINE  WILLIAMS"  OF  LAMBETH. 

THE  much-tempted  ST.  ANTHONY  of  Lambeth  has  received  a  "Cor- 
rection Paper "  from  the  publishers  of  DEISHETT'S  Peerage,  with  a 
request  that  he  will  fill  up  the  blank  spaces  the  moment  he  receives 
his  title.  The  blanks  are  as  follows  : — 


Title  at  full  length, 

Derivable  from  what  Estate, 
Ancestry,  if  any, 

Crest,  

Motto,  


For  what  heroic  deeds  is  the  family  distinguished,  , 


Home-Truths. 


%*  It  is  requested  that,  wherever  convenient,  a  copy  of  the  Pedigree  and  family  Arms  be 
sent  with  the  above  particulars,  so  that  no  mistake  may  distressingly  occur  in  the  copying. 

MR.  W.  WILLIAMS  has  sent  the  paper  to  his  Solicitor,  requesting 
to  know  whether  it  will  not  furnish  him  with  a  good  Title — to  bring- 
an  action  for  libel.  The  publishers,  however,  aver  that  it  was  for- 
warded to  the  honourable  gentleman  "  merely  for  form's  sake,"  and 
nothing  more ;  though  it  is  more  than  doubtful,  whether  the  entire 
thing  is  not  the  result  of  an  election  hoax  ? 


The  Invincibles. 


THE  more  servants,  the  less  speed.— — The  Monthly  Nurse  is  greater  than  the  ...  -r 

Master. — Depend  upon  it,  Cupboard  Love  is  all  stuff. — Spare  the  whip,  and       A  WOMAN  will  never  acknowledge  to  a  defeat.    You  may  conquer 

you '11  spoil  the  Syllabub.      her,  you  may  bring  her  on  her  knees — you  may  wave  over  her  head 

the  very  flag  of  victory—  but  still  she  will  not  acknowledge  she  is  beaten, 

HISTORICAL  MEASURE. — An  ALISON  a  day  wouldn't  make  a  GROTE  i  — in  the  'same  way  that  there  are  Frenchmen  who  will  not  admit  to 
a  year !  the  present  day  that  they  lost  the  Battle  of  Waterloo. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Wobutn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullet  ETana,  ef  No.  19,  Queen'a  Road  West,  Bejrent'a  Park,  both  in  the  Pariah  of  St.  Pancraa,  in  the  County  of  Middjeeer. 
Priotera,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefnara,  in  the  City  of  London,  and  published  by  them  at  No.  8j ,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Pariah  ol  St.  Bride,  ID  the  City  oP 
London.— SATURDAY,  April  18, 1867. 


APRIL  25,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


161 


THE  BEWITCHMENT   OF  LORD   PALMERSTON. 

ii K  progress  of  witchcraft,  is  something 
awful.  It  is  known  that  a  common 
practice  of  the  old  sorcerers  when  they 
.1  to  injure  anybody,  was  to  make 
i  i>f  wax  to  represent  the  object 
of  their  malice,  ami  having  mumbled  a 
eertaiH  amount  of  blasphemy  and  non- 
si  use  over  it,  to  thrust  pins  and  needles 
into  it,  and  Mali  it  with  daggers.  By  a 
confidential  foreign  correspondent,  we 
laformed  that  a  similar  piece  of 
magic  has  been  attempted  in  a  distin- 
guished Russian  circle  at  Brussels,  at 
t  h,'  expense,  of  the  noble  lord  at  the  head 
of  I  IKK  MA.IKSTV'S  Government.  These 
people  got  an  efligy  of  his  Lordship  eon- 
si  i  IK  ted  in  the  manner  of  a  Guy  Fawkes, 
which  they  sprinkled  with  dirty  water, 
dnoling  it  solemnly  to  the  deuce  by  the 
invocation  of  ST.  ALEXANDER  NEWSKI.  They  then  suspended  it  by  the 
thumbs  of  its  gloves,  and  inllietcd  several  hundred  stripes  with  a  knout 
on  its  back  and  slioidders.  After  that  they  tied  the  figure  to  a  stake, 
and  m-ocecded  to  tar  and  feather  it,  alternating  the  application  of  the 
brush  with  the  recitation,  sentence  by  sentence,  of  a  panegyric  over 
the  let'i  on  the  noble  original,  which  concludes  a  biographical  sketch  of 
him  in  lie Nord.  Their  incantation  thus  commenced,  and  continued  :— 

"  LORD  PALMERSTON  is  ono  of  the  least  scrupulous  men  liring." 

Here  the  officiating  wizard  dipped  his  brush  into  his  tar-kettle  and 
dabbed  a  quantity  of  its  contents  into  the  vicarious  PALMERSTON'S  face. 

"lie  has  not  a  real  conviction,  he  is  influenced  only  by  the  ono  principle  of 
egotism." 

Another  dab  of  tar,  slap  in  the  chaps. 

"  He  is  no  doubt  popular,  because  he  is  of  pure  Englldi  Wood." 

At  these  words  the  whole  company  of  witches  and  wizards  set  up  a 
diabolical  yelling,  and  uttered  the  most  horrible  curses  and  impreca- 
tions, and  the  operating  magician  dashed  the  scalding  tar  into  the 

effigy's  eyes. 

"  He  has  all  the  faults  and  all  the  caprice  of  the  people  whom  he  natters,  and  who 
see  in  him  the  incarnation  of  self-confidence,  and  a  pride  truly  genuine  because  it  is 
excessive," 

The  nose  of  the  figure  was  daubed  with  a  quantity  of  the  strong- 
scented  semi-fluid. 

"  !.«  >i.n  PAI.MER.STON,  to  please  them,  condescends  to  borrow  from  them  even  their 
greatest  defects." 

The  tar-brush  was  again  saturated  and  discharged,  first  on  one  ear 
and  then  on  the  other. 
"To-day  everything  is  permitted  to  LORD  PALMERS-TON." 

The  delivery  of  this  sentence  was  followed  by  another  chorus  of 

cursing  and  howling. 

"Never  has  mail  done  so  much  evil  to  his  country  as  LORD  PAI.MERMTON  has 
done  ;  for  he  has  kindled  against  England  hatreds  which  will  bo  inexorable." 

The  chorus  was  renewed,  and  the  assembly  wildly  brandished  their 
wands  and  broomsticks,  and  grinned  and  glared  like  so  many  cats  mad 
with  fury. 

"  lie  is  perhaps  of  an  age  too  far  advanced  to  see  himself  the  awful  consequences 
of  his  policy;  but  if  that  day  should  ever  arrive  when  England  shall  become  the 
victim  of  the  world's  vengeances,  then  most  assuredly  there  will  not  be  any  bene- 
dictions breathed  upon  the  monument  that  contains  LORD  PALMERSI-ON'S  remains." 

The.  officiating  conjuror  now  proceeded  to  the  completion  of  his  odo- 
process,  and  tarred  the  dummy  representative  of  England's 
PKEMIER  from  head  to  foot :  after  which  lie  scattered  over  it  a  profusion 
of  feathers,  repeating  a  benediction  backwards.  In  the  meanwhile  the 
attendant  wi/ards  and  witches,  forming  themselves  into  couples,  danced 
solemn  wait  xes  and  polkas  in  their  surrounding  circle.  Straw  and  faggots 
were  then  brought,  and  piled  about  the  typical  victim,  when  they  were 
set  on  fire,  and  LORD  PALMEKSTON'S  sympathetic  substitute  was 
reduced  to  ashes  amid  execrations  and  shouts  of  "Anathema!" 

This  dark  and  deadly  operation  of  the  Black  Art  was  performed  in 
the  court -yard  of  a  certain  hotel,  the  known  resort  of  Russian  cabalists. 
The  sorcerers  were  all  of  distinguished  rank,  male  and  female,  and 
among  the  latter  were  included  the  principal  diplomatic  hags  and 
witches  who  weave  their  spells,  and  practise  their  enchantments  in 
the  various  Courts  of  Europe. 


Merry  May-Makings  at  Exeter  Hall. 

IF  the  Maynooth  Grant  didn't  already  exist,  it  would  be  necessary 
to  invent  it,  if  only  to  give  the  Exetcr-IIallites  something  to  growl  and 
howl  against ! 


IS  EATING  SALMON  INJURIOUS  ? 

THE  Old  Womarii  Magazine  pronounces  oracularly  against 
"excessive"  salmon-eating,  and  says: — 

'  Let  us  briefly  sum  up— lit.  To  take  salmon  late  at  night  is  excess. 

'  2nd.  \s  gentlemen  are  strangely  constituted,  to  be  helped  to  salmon  more  than 
once,  or  to  partake  <>t'  salmon  twice  a-day,  is  excess. 

'  3rd.  Indulgence  by  marriM  guitU-n  :\  is  excess. 

'  Hli.  More  than  one  nmnll  thimbleful  of  brandy  after  salmon  is  excess. 

1  5th.  There  are  certain  constitutional  symptoms,  which,  occurring  iu  any  indi- 
vidual case,  are  criteria  of  excess.  '  ae  late  is  one  of  them.  Htmnuling 
tip-stairs  is  another.  Putting  the  candle  out  with  one's  hat  is  a  decided  indication. 
A  call  for  soda-water,  and  a  reluctance  to  get  up.  when  the  feverish  victim  wakes, 
are  also  signs  of  excess,  which  cannot  very  well  be  mistaken.  [Advantage  Ntiould 
always  be  taken  of  any  Ivicid  interval  that  may  occur  to  administer  to  the  patient  a 
good  stinging  lecture  »n  the  humiliating  evils  of  eating  t<>->  much  NI 

"  6th.  Pickled  salmon  (when  one  ought  to  be  at  home  in  bed)  is  excess." 

Our  venerable  contemporary,  after  answering  the  question, 
"Whether  Hating  Salmon  is  injurious:"'  most  emphatically  in  the 
affirmative,  winds  up  by  imploring  "all  gentlemen  who  are  of  a 
nervous  excitable  temperament,  and  addicted  to  late  hours,  to  abMaiii 
from  it."  Ft,  is  indeed,  most,  singular,  that  men,  after  confesting 
openly  that  the  headache  they  are  >ulfering  under  is  to  In-  attributed 
entirely  to  "  the  Salmon,"  and  nothing  else,  will  still  persist  in  par- 
taking of  it !  As  the  intoxicating  qualities  of  that  ichthyological 
stimulant  have  been  clearly  demonstrated  by  thousands  and  thousand-, 
of  melancholy  instances,  we  most  earnestly  desire  to  seethe  habit  of 
eating  salmon  diminish ;  and  we  entreat  every  Paterfamilias,  who  likes 
to  eat  a  hearty  breakfast,  or  cherishes  the  slightest  love  for  his  wife, 
to  abandon  the  pernicious  habit  altogether.  Let  them  lay  our  advice 
to  heart.  Let  them  throw  up  a  doubtful  pleasure  over-night  for  a 
certain  good  the  next  morning;.  Ten  years  hence  they  will  thank  us, 
and  present  us,  most  likely,  with  a  testimonial.  In  the  mean  time,  as 
it  is  as  well  to  counteract  this  largelv-spreading  evil  as  much  as 
possible,  we  propose  that  little  tracts,  of  a  pleasing  persuasive  tenour, 
and  with  moral  engravings,  be  distributed  at  Greenwich,  Blackwall, 
Richmond,  Crystal  Palace,  and  all  other  places  where  the  practice 
most  extensively  prevails,  proving  by  frightful  illustrations,  taken  from 
every  grade  of  life,  the  deplorable  excesses  that  arise  from  eating  salmon. 
A  "  Salmon  Pledge,"  also,  wouldn't  be  a  bad  thing. 


THIEVES  AT  EXETER  HALL. 

AN  audacious  attempt  was  made  at  Exeter  Hall  on  Easter  Monday, 
by  some  dishonest  wretches,  to  rob  MR.  SIMS  REEVES  and  other 
vocalists,  hut  it  was  happily  defeated  by  the  firmness  of  the  attacked 
parties,  who  successfully  resisted  the  rascals.  The  latter  evinced  their 
disappointment  by  yelling  and  hissing,  but  finally  went  away  without 
obtaining  what  they  sought.  The  police  ought  to  have  interfered,  but 
the  names  of  several  of  the  parties  are  known,  and  should  such  an 
attempt  be  repeated,  it  will  be  easy  to  single  them  out  for  punishment. 
Mr.P/tiu'li  congratulates  MR.  REEVES  and  his  companions  upon  their 
spirited  conduct,  in  reference  to  which,  Mr.  Punch  begs,  in  apparent 
opposition  to  the  meaning  of  the  above  remarks,  to  cry  Encore. 


ELEGANT  DISTINCTIONS. — You  persuade  a  woman,  you  convince  a 
man,  and  you  force  a  Chinese  or  a  pine-apple. 


VOL.  xxxn. 


162 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


25,  1857. 


ClilTlCS  AND  TAILORS. 


CRITIC  sometimes  makes  a 
reputation  for  others,  and 
yet  cannot  succeed  in 
making  one  for  himself; 
iu  tlio.  same  way  that  there 
are  Tailors,  who  can  dress 
others  to  look  like  gentle- 
men, and  yet  1'ail  most  sig- 
nally the  moment  they  at- 
tempt to  assume  the 
appearance  of  one  them- 
selves. The  style  of  the 
Tailor  always  will  pccp.out! 


JANUS  TYPE. 

IT  seems  that  a  French 
printer  has  invented  a  new 
kind  of  type,  that  has  a 
letter  at  each  end.  The 
consequence  of  this  con- 
venience is,  that  this 
double  -  faced  type  does 
double  duty ;  for,  put  into 
a  machine  constructed  for 
the  purpose,  it  prints  two 
copies  instead  of  one.  We 
are  not  yet  informed  whether  the  compositors  receive  double  wages, 
or  at  what  rate  the  printers  themselves  are  to  be  paid  for  printing, 
according  to  this  new  form,  en  pnrtie  doable!  It  is  a  two-fold  idea, 
that  ought  to  have  emanated  from  the  Dublin  press,  and,  besides 
saving  time  and  labour,  will  present  admirable  advantages  to  such 
conscientious  political  writers  as,  fond  of  playing  with  a  question, 
are  in  the  habit  of  writing  on  both  sides. 


MARY    ANN'S    NOTIONS. 

"  MY  DEAR  ME.  PUNCH, 

"  I  SUPPOSE  you  thought  that  you  would  frighten  me  dread- 
fully by  that  piece  of  nonsense  you  stuck  to  the  end  of  my  last  letter ; 
but.  if  you  did,  you  deceived  yourself  most  exceedingly.  You  know 
nothing  at  all  in  the  world  about  what  you  pretended  to  say  you  would 
tell,  and  if  you  did,  which  is  impossible,  because  there  is  nothing  of 
the  kind,  and  is  it  likely  now  that  if  there  was  I  would  put  anything 
about  it  in  my  letters  to  you  to  be  printed  for  all  the  world  and  his  wife 
to  see  ? — but  if  there  was,  you  are  much  too  dear  an  old  darling  to 
make  mischief.  Are  you  not  ? ' 

"  I  want  to  write  to  you  upon  a  very  serious  subject.  I  give  my 
general  support  (as  Papa  says)  to  LORD  PALMEiisips,2  but  I  suppose 
that  he,  like  everybody  else,3  is  liable  to  make  mistakes  sometimes, 
and  besides  I  dare  say  if  the  truth  were  known  he  has  nothing  at  all 
to  do  witli  it,  but  it  is  some  stupid  clerk  in  the  Government  offices 
(they  all  look  idiots4)  who  lias  taken  upon  himself  to  do  it.s  At 
LORD  PALMERSTON'S  time  of  life,  (hough  I  must  say  he  looks  five  and 
twenty  years  younger,  but  then  he  don't  smoke— SMOKE !  (big  letters 
please6),  he  cannot  be  expected  to  attend  to  everything.  But  I  mean 
about  making  bishops.  The  moment  a  Clergyman  has  established  a 
reputation,  and  filled  his  Church  quite  full,  and  gained  the  hearts  of 
his  congregation,  they  take  him  away,  and  make  him  a  bishop,  and  we 
see  and  hear  no  more  of  him.  This  has  happened  twice  within  the 
last,  year  or  so  to  my  knowledge.  I  need  not  mention  names,  and  I 
think  that  it  is  time  the  custom  should  be  stopped. 

"It  stands  to  reason,  my  dear  Mr.  Puiick.  What  on  earth  is  the 
use  of  a  bishop ':  I  don't  mean  that,  you  know,  but  what  has  a  bishop 
to  do  that  any  stupid  country  curate  could  not  do?7  He  comes  and 
preaches  a  charity  sermon  now  and  then,  and  it  is  a  remarkable  thing 
how  very  bad  those  charity  sermons  are,8  and  I  don't  wonder  they 
draw  so  little  money.  The  Dissenters  manage  much  better ;  they  send 
the  putee  round  from  pew  to  pew  in  the  hands  of  deacons  and  people 
that  personally  know  everybody  in  the  chapel,  and  can  see  whether 
they  dout  give,  and  can  say  next  day,  '  How  mean  dearly  beloved 
sister. B no wx  gets  with  her  worldly  goods— she  only  gave  us  sixpence 
for  our  dear  missionaries,'  and  so  the  screw  is  put  on  (as  ALI.I  si  i  s 
would  say),  but  I  was  speaking  of  a  bishop.  He  has  to  do  confirma- 
tions ;  and  if  he  had  to  catechise  the  young  ladies  it  would  be  anot  her 
matter  (our  curate  was  so  modest  that  when  we  came  in  class  he  used 
to  sit  on  the  corner  of  his  table  with  his  back  to  us,  and  ask  us  over 
his  shoulder  what  was  our  duty  to  our  neighbour),9  but  this  is  all  done 
ready  to  the  bishop's  hand.  Consecrating  churches,  too,  but  that  is  a 


form.  Then  you  will  say  there  is  the  House  of  Lords,  but  if  you 
think  that  a  minister  of  religion  ought  to  be  making  speeches,  and 
crying  hear,  hear,  and  coughing  down  honourable  Members  and  all 
that,  I  don't;  besides,  if  you  want  that  sort  of  thing,  there  are  plenty 
of  noisy  quarrelsome  clergymen  who  are  always  getting  into  riots  with 
their  flocks,  and  you  might  make  them  bishops,  and  let  them  expend 
their  fury  upon  politics.10 

"  He  was  a  perfectly  dear  man,  one  of  the  clergymen  I  allude  to 
whom  the  Government  has  made  a  bishop  of.  1  never  would  go  to 
church  when  I  did  not  think  he  was  going  to  preach."  Such  a  gentle- 
man, and  such  a  perfect  manner,  and  a  lovely  voice.  It  was  impossible 
not  to  feel  persuaded  of  the  truth*  of  religion  when  he  preached,  tin  mi:  h 
I  dare  say  some  glum  old  stupid  man  might  have  said  the  same  words, 
but  who  would  go  and  listen  to  him,  I  should  like  to  know  ? 12  He  was 
M>  earnesi  and  ailed  innate,  but  all  in  perfect  good  taste,  and  never 
forgot  that  he  was  a  gentleman,  and  that  he  was  addressing  ladies. 
Not  that  lie  mineed  matters,  my  dear  sold;  far  from  it;  the  way  he 
denounced  the  wickedness  of  the  lower  classes,  and  cheating  trades- 
men, and  swearing  and  drunkenness  about  our  streets,  was  quite  awful 
at.  times,  and  I  omy  wish  that,  the  people  he  alluded  to  had  been  there 
to  profit  by  his  exhortations,  for  1  am  sure  it  must  have  done  them 
good;  and  there  ought  to  be  galleries  built  for  such  persons,  where 
they  can  come  and  be  lectured,  without  coming  into  contact  with 
their  betters.13  He  looked  quite  like  an  apostle,  and  when  von 
recollect  that  he  was  an  Honourable,  and  had  been  brought  up  with 
every  luxury,  and  I  dare  say  might  have  been  a  Prime  Minister  if  he 
had  liked,  to  think  of  his  devoting  himself  to  such  dull  work  as 
making  sermons  and  looking  after  a  parish  (not  a  West-end  parish 
neither)  convinced  me  that  he  must  be  a  sincerely  good  man.14  As 
for  the  women,  they  were  wild  after  him,  and  on  the  days  when  it  was 
known  that  he  would  preach  everybody  went,  and  people  had  to  stand 
in  the  aisles  and  sit  on  the  pulpit  stairs  ;  and  when  there  has  been  a 
disappointment,  and  lie  has  not  come,  I  have  seen  ladies  leave  the 
church  after  the  second  lesson.  He  was  a  divine  creature,15  and  I 
say  again  that  whoever  advises  LOBD  PALMEKSTON  to  take  away  such 
men  and  make  bishops  of  them  has  a  great  deal  to  answer  for. 

"  Yours,  affectionately, 
"Sunday."  "  MART  ANN." 

1  You  will  see.    We  are  not  to  bo  coaxed  over.     Besides,  who  is  tbe  young  lady 
who  has  called  five  times  to  try  to  see  us,  would  not  leave  her  card,  but  seemed  very 
anxious  ? 

2  He  must  be  very  grateful.     Perhaps  he  will  give  C.  H.  a  situation. 
a  Kxcept  one  person,  who  is  annotating  your  note. 

4  Some  of  them,  and  are  what  they  look.     But  not  all. 

5  It  may  be  so,  but  we  never  heard  that  the  appointment  of  bishops  devolved 
upon  Government  clerks. 

6  Big  it  is.    But  this  is  all  folly.    WE  smoke. 

7  Why  stupid,  Miss  ?  A  country  curate,  who  really  does  his  duty,  is  to  be  honoured 
as  much  as  any  man  living. 

8  Very  true.    We  cannot  tell  why.    Perhaps  a  gentleman  feels  at  a  disadvantage 
in  bogging  shillings,  with  his  thousand  guinea  equipage  at  the  church  door,  and 
diamond  rings  on  his  fingers. 

3  It  did  the  reverend  gentleman  credit,  you  giggling  things. 

10  The  hideous  ignorance  and  folly  of  this  sentence  defies  comment.     We  print  it 
as  an  awful  warning  of  what  women  can  say  when  permitted  pen  and  ink. 

11  More  shame  for  you.    The  sermon  is  but  an  inferior  part  of  the  service.     But, 
evidently,  you  are  utterly  iu  the  dark  upou  the  whole  subject. 

la  Simply  disgusting. 

"  Idiot. 

"  Idiot. 

»  Idiot.  

TREASON  TO  THE  CHUECH. 

THE  Chartists  say  that  LORD  PALMERSTON'S  making  no  new  Bishop 
except  out  of  an  "Honourable"  and  Reverend  (we  have  had  three 
titled  hierarchs  within  a  year)  gives  them  hope  of  his  church-reforming 
intentions.  They  believe  that  he  means  to  expel  the  Bishops  from  the 
]  legislature,  but  desires  that  they  should  possess  the  titles  which  are 
said  to  give  them  so  much  influence  in  converting  the  upper  classes. 
j  We  trust  that,  the  aristocratic  Evangelists  will  defeat  the  insidious 
|  Bottleholder,  and  henceforth  refuse  the  lawn  intended,  like  the  robe 
1  given  by  CLYTEMNESTUA  to  AGAMEMNON,  for  entangling  the  head  upon 
j  which  the  axe  is  to  fall.  Is  PELHAM  so  far  on  his  way  to  Norwich  that 
he  cannot  be  recalled  in  favour  of  SPUKOEON  ? 


"  Bits  of  Sunbeam." 

WE  learn  that  "  sprinkling  Gold  Dust  on  the  Hair  is  becoming  more 
and  more  iu  vogue."  We  hope  not;  or,  to  a  certainty  we  shall  hear 
of  Duchesses  being  waylaid,  and — as  sovereigns  are,  at  tn 
Hebraically  treated — "  sweated "  for  the  precious  particles.  The 
gold-dust  "imparts  to  the  hair  that  shining  golden  hue  which  a  great 
poet  has  said  "—  (TupPER,  no  doubt,) — "  '  appears  as  t  hough  a  sunbeam 
had  been  broken  into  bits,  and  scattered  among  the  tresses.'  "  We 
think  there  must  be  a  little  mistake  as  to  (lie  particular  luminary, 
broken  into  bits  :  for  with  respect  to  a  head  given  to  gold-dust,  we 
should  say  it  was  rather  influenced  by  the  moon  than  the  sun. 


Arm  25,  1857.] 


PUNCH,    OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


163 


A    FASCINATING    CHRISTIAN. 

T  -IIIK  Inverness  contest,  Mr. 
I'liiich,     nbseni".     that      MR. 
MATHESOX   of  Ardro- 
iu   tin-  liu-.1  .led  bv 

Tfu  wlioitoi  l,  MM!  his  ad- 
.,  MK.  (' vMrnr.u.  of 
.-,  \\\  only  i 

- //   in    favour 

I  lie    other    hand    M  > 
might  plead  tliat.  he  v, , 

ice  CA  M.  BELL'S  number 

orncys  out  of  nii-eliief  I, 
.  hen  Mr.  /'.  eame  to 
he  Mon/ie  -;.  -i-ches,  lu- 
did  not  find  that  the  relative 
.11  of  the  parties  was  so 

Mu     CAMPBELL,  bef. 
election,  said : — 

"I  will  ly  the  pride  and  satisfaction  I  feel  when  I  nee 

man,  .s,  stnick,  as  it  would  scorn,  by 

some  most  n  natifn — as  it  \vmild  Mem 

to  be,  where  people  have  (fivt-n  my  good  friends  P. 

have  .  t.  irth  into  self -glory  and  foolish 

expro  ;  itoodnras.     That  is  not  the  feeling  witti  me." 

However,  a  lit  lie  later,  the  honourable  candidate  broke  out  v 
tog: — 

"GOD   BE   THASKRD,    I    AM    A    CHRISTIAN'  '" 

And  procec  <  irst  by  declaring  that  DR.  1! 

was_  "  the  niurden-r  of  the  Chinese  women,"  and  secondly  by  the  fol- 
lowing reference  to  he  had  paired 
againil  ilajnooth  instrad  of  sitting  up  to  v  i  it. 

"  Such  a  thinu  as  that  to  b«  sai-1  .  .n  the  hunting* !  Why  I  could  have  taken  that 
man  and  shaken  him  as  :i  doff  would  iu  mj  mouth — I  could  have  roasted  that  man 
alive— if  I  had  liked." 

On  the  whole,  tii  n  may  think  that  such 

a  Christian  as  MR.  C  •-.  iih  five  attorneys,  was  about  ant 

for  a  gentleman  who  did  not  proclaim  his  Christianity  and  ha,: 
attorneys.     But  the  sequel   proved    thai   it:  was  not   so,   the  "unin- 
telligible faseinal  ion  "  of  MR.  CAMPBELL  gave  way  in  t  he  chill  presence 
of  the  poll  clerks,  anil  the  fascinating  Christian  of  Mcn/ie,  on  his  next 
appearance,  had  to  say  : — 

"  I  oome  he-re  a  di»ai>nointod  man.  but  I  am  old  enough  to  know  that  disappoint- 
ment must  be  as  hm^  as  we  are  on  the  face  of  the  earth.  1  am  prepared  for  disap- 
pointments, :inil  !  ,-,  IMI-  with  a  c-din.  nqnal  ti-niperament  to  meet  this  difficult 
positi.  n,  vanquished  political  man.  1  am  tein|>(e'l  luiw.  moreand  more, 

to  say  that  I  come  here  calmly  and  happily,  though  a  beaten  man." 

His  calmness  and   happiness  increased  by  '  -i  ion  that  he 

had  not  roasted  Nli;.  M  VHIKSOX  alive,  the  pastoral  CAMPBELL  has  now 

|i,  an  operation  heretofore,  it  seems,  suirL'ested 

to  him  by  si  rs  of  Scottish  Agricultural  Statistics,  with  the 

unfortunate  result  of  putting  their  Fascinating  Christian  into  such  a 
boiling  rage,  that  he  wrote  a  letter  from  Glencoe,  the  terrible  character 
whereof  has  thrown  the  massacre  in  that  neighbourhood  entirely  into 
eclipse,  in  the  eyes  of  the  Highlanders.  But  as  by  short  sums  we 
learn  to  do  long  ones,  the  very  slight  knowledge  of  arithmetic  required 
to  sum  up  Mit.  ('AMnir.i.L'.s  votes  may  help  him  to  perform  the  more 
elaborate  computation  of  his  "lleecy  ca 


THE  MUD-FISHES. 


n'-rly  tish,  known  as  the  mud-fish,  native  to  the 
river  Gambia;  and  one  of  these  iMics  was  for  some  time  an  inhabitant 
of  the  aquarium  in  the  Cnstal  1'alace.  Well,  a  while  ago  it  seems, 
the  fish  made  HUM,  who  should  say?  for  very  strange  are 

the  resources  of  mud-fishes,  and  other  things  'that  live  and  fatten  on 
mud.  _  The  mud-fish  was  given  up  for  lost,  when,  a  few  days  since,  it 
was  discovered  in  the  laru'c  flower-fountain  at  the  north  end  of  the 
Palace.  Anil,  behold,  the  miul  lish  had  grown  twice  its  former  size  ; 
and  there  was  good  cause  for  its  magnitude,  since  the  mud-fish,  all 
alone,  had  devoured  the  large  quantity  of  gold  and  silver  fish  with 
which  it  was  stocked.  Ai'tcr  this  fashion  do  the  mud-fishes  of  this 
world  swallow  gold  and  silver,  remaining  no  other  than  mud-fish  to 
the  end  ! 

A  New  Tale  of  a  Tub. 

IT  is  not  generally  kn.  \l  u.  D.  URQUUART  lectures  on 

of  the  "Tnrki-h  Rith,"'  he  illustrates  it  with  a  lay  figure  of 
.  which  he  takes  a  savage  pleasure  in  plunging  into 
hot  water,  and  towelling  as  hard  as  he  possibly  can. 


ARMY   EDUCATION. 

\  '  '.uards,  Aptil  1,  1  been 

.  Mr.  I'UHC/I  for  p 

QUALIFICATION    OF    JUNIOR    OFFICERS. 

To  write  a   distinct    hand,   :  .ip;    inasmuch  as 

and  Christian,  have  i 

i    the 

aph.     It  1 1  elve  ini.-ii 

quired  to  assist  liim. 

Tofcaveagood  >  of  slang;  •  il  in  any 

accidental  encounter  with   the  native-,  the  of!  nan  may 

not  have  the  worst  of  it. 

To  have  the  e;  ,  ,[[ 

To  be  able  to  draw  at 

To  know  the  use.  of  an  eye-glass  ;  or,  ami   to  be  able 

ilown  till-  leading  features  of  the  ballet  ami  the  0] 

T<>  kn  are  that 

under  no  eiio  eueinnber  with  a  K. 

re  of  St.  G 
keep  on  I  lie  ontsui 

To  consider  no  amount  of  drill  a  • 

ise  logarithms  wiih  billiards,  and  to  open  the  door  of 

To  sketea  on  bone-back  on  the  b  '.--nail,  the  more  promi- 

iiiircs  of  Rottm  Ko'.v. 

Tojiiik  :  its  proper  occupation  for  a  handicap. 

Tu  bethoronghh  ad  with  the  topography  of  Fop's  Alley; 

and  especially  as  relates  to.  duels  upon  the  principles  of  hair-trigger- 
nometry. 


SONG  AND  CLKi-.  OE  MKUKV  i-.Ni.i.  \N1). 

GLEE. 

Is  smoking  injurious,  tell  me  troth,  ha ! 
Ay,  marry,  is  it  in  a  chimney,  quoth-a. 
Smoking  iu  a  chimney 

By  my  troth,  ha  ! 
Smoking  is  injurious. 
There  it  is  injurious. 
Marry,  in  a  chin 
A  chimney,  quoth-a, 

SONG. 

A  good  old  song  man's  heart  doth  ei 
Like  a  cordial  cup  of  old  strong  beer. 
This  being  so,  a  wight  would  think 
The  more  men  sang,  the  less  they'd  drink. 
( )r  drink  but  half,  and  take  in  song 
The  other  half,  which  rong: 

But  where  good  liquor  doth  abound, 
And  song  as  well  as  pot  go  round. 
Folk  mostly  do  the  other  tiling; 
They  drink  the  more  the  more  they  sing. 


THE  "CAMELLIA"  AT  F.XKTKR  HALL. 

THE  Lady  of  the  Camellias  has  been  permitted  to  sing  at  Exeter 
Hall  ;  but  the  audience  were  advised  by  the  following  very  moral  — 

"  N'otic-).  —  The  Exeter  Hall  Committee  h»Te  interdicted  the  publication  of  an 
English  transl  itinn  of  the  above  programme  ia  the  form  of  a  Bouk  of  Words  !  " 

Whatever  was  wrong  was  made  correct  —  wh-i  light,  was 

"kept  dark"  —  by  remaining  in  Italian.     The  oh!  an  in  the 

comer  .  to  accept   the    very   blnck-toncn-d  parrot   \\ln-n  in- 

formed that  though  the  bird  swears  horribly,  it  can't  utter  one  nan 

English  word,  but  only  swears  in  Portuguese.     Now  La  Tratiata  was 

oidy  naughty  in   Italian.     People  —  concluded  the  pious  committee  — 

know  nothing  of  the  words,  and  there  can  be  no  wicked  siguilieanee  in 

music.    Tii'  '-Itin-h  is  not  The  Rogue'*  M'ln-li  without  the 

g  wrong  ill  mere  life  ;uid  drum  ;  and  -with 

no  English  translation  —  La  Traeiafa  is  mere  sound  and  i  :fyinft 

E  .....  iieh   rent   to  th,.   K\c'er  Hall  CommiUee.     Such  casuists  would 
split  the  prickles  of  a  hedgehog  into  hairs  fine  as  the  hair  of  guinea- 


A  Eub   for  the  Cloth. 

CLERGYMEN  should  not  show  themselves  at  the  hustings.  Far  better 
for  them  to  stop  at  home  in  their  studios,  and  en.we  their  innocent 
minds  with  the  "  doctrine  of  c  N-ction." 


164 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APKIL  25,  1857. 


FEARFUL   PRACTICAL  JOKE,   PLAYED  WITH  A  CHILD'S  BALLOON  UPON  A  SWELL. 


OUDE   IN  THE   CITY. 

TIIE  PRINCES  OF  OUDE  have  sat  at  the  table  of  the  LORD  MAYOR, 
and  been  duly  toasted.  MAJOR  BIRD— an  Indian  BIRD— "on  the 
part  of  the  OUDE  family,"  returned  thanks  in  a  speech  fragrant  with 
spices,  and  flowing  with  "  all  the  drowsy  syrups  of  the  East."  He 
said— 

"  He  believed  that  a  new  era  was  dawning  on  India,  and  that  it  wa8  heralded  by 
the  appearance  of  Indian  Princes  at  the  table  of  the  LORD  MAYOR  of  London." 

There  can  be  no  doubt  that  the  appearance  of  the  PRINCES  or 
OUDE  at  the  LORD  MAYOR'S  mahogany  was  somehow  reflected  like  a 
dawning  sun  upon  far-off  Hindostan.  The  LORD  MAYOR  himself  must 
have  become  an  object  of  mysterious  interest  to  BRAHMIN,  and  all  the 
aldermen  have  been  suddenly  dear  to  VISHNU.  The  "loving  cup," 
of  course,  circled  round ;  but  wherefore  was  it  not  filled  with  the 
water  of  the  Ganges?  MAJOR  BIRD,  with  a  delicate  double  com- 
pliment to  MR.  SHERIFF  MECHI  and  the  Stationers'  Company,  next 
touched  upon  manure  and  paper.  Why  was  England  so  great,  asked 
a  pundit  of  the  suite  of  Oude  ?  and  another  pundit  made  answer — 

"  The  reason  ia  pla'n,  the  people  all  work,  and  nothing  goes  to  waste.  The  dry 
bones  which  wo  throw  out  to  the  dogs  is  converted  into  manure,  and  produces 
fresh  food  for  man  ;  and  the  rags  which  have  served  the  beggar  are  made  into  paper, 
on  which  are  written  the  laws  with  which  this  people  govern  the  world." 

We  might  add  something  touching  the  tons  of  gold,  in  the  form  of 
manure,  which  we  annually  cast  in  the  Thames,  committing  the  two- 
fold wickedness  of  waste  and  contamination  :  we'might,  too,  speak  of 
the  paper  that  carries  a  tax  that  does  not  cheapen  knowledge ;  but  no, 
we  will  not  pause  on  these  things,  but  with  MAJOR  BIRD  proceed  in 
company  with  KING  SOLOMON  and  QUEEN  SHEBA. — 

"  They  had  all  read  how  the  QDEEN  OF  SHEBA  came  to  visit  KINO  SOLOMON,  and 
how  she  went  away  fully  satisfied.  He  (MAJOR  BIRD)  trusted  that  the  distinguished 
guests  of  whom  he  was  the  unworthy  spokesman  would  have  the  same  story  to  tell 
when  they  returned  to  their  native  country." 

Of  course,  the  parallel  of  KING  SOLOMON  and  the  LORD  MAYOR  is 
perfect.  We  are,  moreover,  glad  to  know  that  the  bill  of  fare,  duly 
translated  by  MAJOR  BIRD,  was  received  and  will  be  treasured  by  the 
Princes,  as  SOLOMON'S  Song.  As  for  the  QUEEN  OF  SHEBA,  any  com- 


parison with  that  effulgent  lady  is  evidently  the  rightful  property  of 
the  QUEEN  OF  OUDE  herself;  for  though  her  Majesty  may  have 
thought  it  superfluous  and  unnecessary  to  bring  with  her  apes  into 
England,  she  has  not  forgotten  the  peacocks,  a  sample  of  which  was 
shown  in  the  BIRD  that  did  such  a  magnificent  tale  unfold  in  honour 
of  his  mistress.  And  will  the  QUEEN  OF  OUDE  depart  "  fully 
satisfied?"  Well,  we  hope  so  ;  but  we  rather  doubt  the  result.  \Ve 
fear  that  such  a  tale  is  only  the  faltering  song  of  a  BIRD  of  Paradise  ; 
yea,  of  Fool's  Paradise. 


THE  SPEAKER  IN  RHYME. 

(Being  the  resolution  to  be  submitted  Ly  LORD  PALMERSTOX  at  the 
opening  of  Parliament.) 

RESOLVED,  Though  for  graceful  conveyance  of  message  or 
Compliment,  none  beats  the  elegant  THESIGER, 
Though,  if  we  made  choice  of  a  Tory,  we  'd  all  poll 
Eor  the  dignified,  well  informed,  highly  bred  WALFOLE, 
Though  business,  and  blandness,  and  boldness,  and  brains 
Combine  as  the  qualifications  of  BAINES  ; 
Though,  (malgrii  his  pepper,  a  broth  of  a  boy,) 
We  all  like  the  cabman's  reformer,  Fm-RoY, 
We  agree  in  a  vote  that  this  House  has  not  any  son 
So  fit  for  the  Chair  as  JOHN  EVELYN  DENISON. 


Sir  John  Bowring's  Pillow. 

WHEN  SIR  JOHN  BOWRIXG  took  leave  of  the  KING  OF  SIAM— (by 
the  way,  we  wish  the  KING  OF  NAPLES  could  be  sent  to  be  civilised  by 
the  Siainese  potentate)— his  Majesty  presented  his  visitor  with  a  hand- 
some pillow,  saying,  "  when  you  are  far  away,  and  lay  your  head  upon 
this  pillow,  then  think  of  me  who  gave  it  you."  This  pillow  was 
stuffed  witli  softest  down,  but  SIR  JOHN  BOWRING'S  "friends"  in 
the  House  of  Commons — friends,  as  some  of  them  pathetically  con- 
fessed, of  twenty  years  standing— have  done  their  best  to  mix  the 
down  of  the  pillow  pretty  thickly  with  thorns. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— APHIL  25,  1857. 


. . 


GREAT   AND    IMPORTANT   EVENT." 

(Vide  Gazette,  April  15,  1857.) 

H.R.H.  Paterfamilias  Tying  up  his  Door-Knocker. 


APRIL  25,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


167 


THE    HORSE    ON    THE    TABLE. 

THK  "Dinner  after  the  man- 

nei  of  llir  Aueieuts,"  in  Pere- 
grine Pickle,  a  generally  rc- 
d  as  an  < 

ttomy, 

II    a.-,    other  tin 
stranger  tlinn  fiction.     \Vit- 
iitll   of 
ij     tin;    linn 
Ml,    the   other   day,  to 
certain     I'anMuu    hippopha- 
gisls: — 

I! rrad-soup  of  horse-broth; 
boiled   horae-fleth  :    iguanas 
stewed  in  butter ;  dabs,  w it li 
Dutch   sauce;   tol-a/  ''>'  of    spinal   marrow  of  h 

chine  of  horse  (filft  <!>•  checalt,  roasted;  truffled  Turkey ;  and  pic  of 
horse-flesh,  a  la  mode. 

Such  was  the  banquet  whereon — according  lo  the  Muf/iiiif/  Pott — 
M.  UK  ST.  1 1 1 1  led  themselves.  One 

of  these  was  a  DR.  Yx  AN,  t '  lunent  of  the  xvorld,  who  devours 

all  that  is  eatable,  and,  perhaps,  u  few  things  more.     This  gentleman  is 
said  lo  have  partaken,  in  the  course  of  his  life,  of  dog,  cal,  iim; 
rat,  li/ard,  shark,  and  ex-en  to  have  tried  leeches.  \ourn 

have  been  an  appropriate  g.-.i  •:*  lilrt  de  cheva! ;  or,  perhaps,  he 

would  have  preferred  them  for  a  preliminary  course,  whereat  they 
might  have  been  served  under  the  denomination  of  "  black-bait." 

It  may  be  necessary  to  observe,  that   the  itri,  ioned  among 

the  viands  above  specified,  is  not  a  reptile,  but  ioot,  a  sort 

of  substitute  for  a  potato. 

We  observe,  with  some  wonder,  that  M.  DE  ST.  HILAIRK'S  feast  did 
not  include  toadstools,  some  of  wliich  arc  said  to  make  an  excellent 
pickle  ;  though  it;  is  too  early,  as  yet,  for  most,  if  not  all,  uncultivated 
f«nai. 

The  horse  meal  of  M.  DK  ST.  HILAIRE  and  party  was,  xve  are  told, 
an  experimental  one.  They  may  be  considered  to  have  acted  logically 
in  trying  food  whie.li  nobody  can  well  be  supposed  able  to  fancy. 

The  roast  horse-flesh  is  said  to  have  been  exwedinglx  rich  in  gravy; 
but  the  leader  xvill  naturally  remark,  that  he  would  rather  se 
horse  running  with  speed  than  with  gravy,  and  for  a  plate  instead  of 
in  one. 

The  publication  of  the  above  details  will,  perhaps,  create 
alarm  in  studs  and  stables,  by  rea-on  of  the  apprehended  murrain,  and 
the  possibility  that  horse  niay  be  drawn  upon  in  case  of  the  failure 
of  beef. 

Every  one  to  his  liking,  for  all  1.  I.LD'.S  objection  to 

that  maxim.  By  his  Lordship's  leave,  also,  what  is  one  man's  meat  is 
another  man's  poison.  DR.  JOHNSON  would,  probably,  have  declared, 
that  the  man  who  woidd  eat  horse  also  would  eat  horse-chestnuts ; 
and,  what  i  rcneh  may  be  capable  of,  there  are,  doubtless, 

fcxv  Englishmen  who  could  manage  to  get  down  horse  without  horse- 
radish. 


CONSOLATION. 

Puss-iu-THE-CoRNER,  dear  LORD  CH 

Is  a  very  pretty  game, 
But  it  needs,  as  you  must  xvell  see, 

Players,  lad,  who  don't  run  lame. 

1  from  Brentford  run  10  IV 

Sei/ed  your  corner  with  a  shout  : 
You  from  thence  to  mine  cross'd 

And,  my  dearest  boy,  you  're  out. 
The  Admiralty. 


R.  B.  O. 


A  SAFE  FORTUNE. 


COCKS  AND  BULLS  OF  THE  CALENDAR. 


AN  inveterate  old  grumbler  says:  "There  are  no  women  now-a- 
days.  Instead  of  women,  we  have  towering  ediliees  of  silk,  lace,  and 
flowers.  You  sec  a  milliner's  large  advertising  x'an  that  sidl  e 
with  a  rustling  sound,  and  you  are  told  that  it  is  a  woman ;  but  as  you 
cannot  approach  within  several  yards  of  the  monster  obstruction,  you 
cannot  tell  what  it  is  beyond  something  that  looks  like  an  entire  shop- 
front  put  into  motion  with  all  the  goods  exposed  m  it  for  sale.  I 
really  believe,  if  any  shoxvmau  would  open  an  exhibition,  where  one 
could  see  a  xyoman,  such  as  women  were  in  my  young  days,  when  they 
used  to  lie  fair,  slim,  slender,  graceful,  xvell-proportioued,  and  every- 
thing that  was  beautiful,  instead  of  the  animated  wardroK 
unrecognisable  bundles  of  fine  clothes  that  they  now  are— 1  reallx 
that  an  enterprising  .showman  like  that  would  rapidly  realise  "a 
large  fortune." 


t'//wer»  has  been  recommending  a  certain  ST.  JOSEPH  DE 

CVPERTIN  to  the   •.  and,  we   may   likev,  logically 

say,  to  the  nwvellousness,  of  the  credulous  portion  ol 
public.     About  this  saintly  individual  the  I  liramontane  organ  relates 
some  bold  ai:  10  have 

beaten  the  most  miraculous  of  mesmeric  patients  into  tits.  He  not 
only  cined  diseases  without  phxsie,  bul  lie  could  also  peep  into  the 

i'  people,  and  read  I  heir'  mosi    »  c-ret    thought.-.     A   misfortune 
lien  him,  which,   if  it   really  befcl  him,  might 

lie  quoted  as  an  example'  to  warn  saints,  when  attempting  to  convert 
sinners,  to  keep  them  at  to  their  windward. 

conversation  with  a  libertine,  "he  was,  »  pregnated  with  an 

unbearable  smell,  which  neither  lotions  nor  tobacco  would  remove." 
About  the  nature  of  this  smell  there  may  lie  some  question.  Many 
people  may  suppose  that  it  was  an  unpleasant  one-  in  the  ordinary 

•  i  lie  xvord.    But  .such  \vas,  probably,  not  the  case.    Th> 

-lie  to  the  odour  of  sanctity,  which 

.noxvn  to  have  usually  accompanied  abstinence  from  soap  ami 
xvater.     It  may,  therefore,  lie  kind  of 

perfume:  and  perhaps  the  libertine  infected  and  am  ilv  man 

with  an  intolerable  fragrance  of  lavender-water  or  eau-de-Cologne. 
1'mt  ST.  Ci  I'Kimx  was  chiefly  distinguished  by  a  wonderful  peculiarity 

iay  be  called  his  standing  miracle.    The  Univers  says  that  — 

"  His  feet  appeared  to  touch  the  earth  with  regret,  and  the  slightest  thought  of 
hc:wcn,  whore  dwelt  his  desires,  detached  from  earth  this  body,  already  spiritualised  : 
he  w;is  often  seen  to  rise  in  the  uir  to  u  considerable  height  in  presence  of  a  crowd 
Bilent  with  astonishment.  The  Bight  of  a  hijfh  altar,  a  crucifix,  or  an  image  of  the 
Holy  Virgin,  sufficed  to  produce  this  extraordinary  phenomenon." 

In  ST.  CITKKTIX  we  observe  a  striking  exemplification  of  the 
difference  between  the  Popish  saints  and  our  own  of  Kvter  Hall. 
The  latter  are  all  serious-  whereas  the  former  manifest  an  opposition 
to  the  laws  of  gravity.  Hence  their  votaries  ought  not  to  wonder  if 
the  relation  of  some  of  their  performances  should  excite  laughter. 

ST.  Ci  I'KiiTix  has  been  introduced  into  France  together  with  a  new 
Roman  Liturgy—  a  Liturgy  new  at  least  to  the  French  Church,  to 
which,  therefore,  the  Saint  is  new  also.  He  will,  however,  doubtless 
find  himself  at  home,  among  friends;  of  whom  ST.  DEXIS,  for  one, 
with  lu's  head  under  his  arm,  will  keep  him  in  sufficient  countenance. 


A  LOST  ART-TREASURE. 

WE  hope  that  the  exhibition  of  statues,  pictures,  and  curiosities, 
Germanistically  called  Art-Treasures,  about  to  be  held  at  Man- 
chester, will  be  complete  in  all  its  departments.  Every  phase 
and  era  of  British  art  especially  ought,  if  possible,  to  be  represented. 
There  is  but  one  particular  period  of  our  native  sculpture  whereof  but 
few  illustrations  have  been  preserved,  and  these  few  are  only  to  be 
met  with  in  the  remote  corners  of  stonemasons'  yards.  It  is  that 
which  was  remarkable  for  the  production  of  an  extraordinary  statue 
of  his  Majesty  GEORGE  THE  FOURTH,  which,  within  the  memoir  of 
not  very  old  men,  stood  crowning  a  not  less  extraordinary  archi- 
tectural structure  at  King's  Cross.  Where  is  this  remarkable  monu- 
ment of  a  past  age  ?  Diligent  search  might  yet  discover  it,  buried, 
perhaps,  amid  lumps  of  plaster  of  Paris,  disjointed  limbs  of  casts 
from  the  antique,  and  other  rubbish,  on  some  of  those  numerous 
statuaries'  premises  which  impart  a  melancholy  classical  beauty  to  the 
New  Road.  It  ought  not  to  be  lost  if  it  can  be  found.  It  is— or  was, 
if  it  is  no  more— a  great  deal  better,  in  its  way,  than  the  statue  of 
THE  FOURTH  in  Trafalgar  Square  in  the  same  way ;  indeed, 
than  all  our  public  statues  :  greatly  exceeding  the  whole  of  them  in 
ludicrous  expression  and  aesthetic  force  of  absurdity. 


THE  BALLOON  OF  LIBERTY. 

WE  have  often  wondered  that  the  notion  of  advertising  by  means  of 
balloons  has  never  occurred  to  any  of  our  enterprising  commercial 
countrymen.  It  has  been  adopted  at  Venice  with  views,  however,  of 
a  nature  superior  to  mercantile  considers  ions.  In  the  foreign  corres- 
pondence of  the  Times  there  appeared  the  other  day  an  account  of  the 
|  performance  of  a  ballet  called  BiaacAi  e  Neri,  wherein  the  niggers 
throw  off  their  chains,  and  rise  in  insurrection,  ,the  spectacle  whereof 
created  great  excitement  among  the  audience.  The  writer  proceeds 
to  say  that 

"  During  the  same  afternoon  an  enormous  tricoloured  balloon  was  wen  hovering 
over  the  quay  Degli  Schiavoni." 

What  a  hint  to  an  enslaved  population !  The  balloon  alone  would 
have  been  significant :  but  xvith  the  addition  of  the  tricolour,  there 
could  be  no  mistake  about  the  symbol.  It  set  an  example  from  the 
skies  to  an  oppressed  people.  It  said,  in  the  plainest  of  possible 
figures,  "  Do  as  I  have  done.  RISE  ! " 


168 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  25,  1857. 


GIVING    THE    OFFICE." 

PUNCH  has  a  no- 
tion that  a  very 
gigantic  Job  is  in 
course  of  perpe- 
tration, and  he 
proceeds  to  sound 
the  alarm. 

These  Plans  for 
the  Government 
Offices. 

It  was  originally 
announced  that  all 
the  world  might 
compete  for  the 
honour  of  lay- 
ing out  Downing 
Street  and  the 
vicinity. 

Particulars  were 
furnished  to  all  the 
world,  and  Two 
Hundred  and  Fifty 
architects,  British 
and  Foreign,  set  to  work  and  prepared  costly  plans,  which  have  been 
sent  in. 

But  this  was  done  in  the  faith  that  G9vernment  was  going  to  show 
fair  play.  The  designs  were  to  be  exhibited  to  the  public,  in  order 
that  the  best  man  might  win. 

Now,  it  seems  that  the  judgment  is  to  be  given  without  reference  to 
the  public. 

And,  we  do  not  even  know  who  are  to  be  the  Judges. 
THIS  WON'T  DO. 

Into  whose  hands  do  the  authorities  want  to  job  and  juggle  1he 
thing  ? 

They  can't  want  it  for  SIR  CHARLES  TARRY,  who  is,  or  ought  to 
be,  busy  with  the  unfinished  Houses  that  were  to  cost  £1,110,004,  and 
have  already  cost  £2,500,000. 

They  can't  want  it  for  the  BARON  MARROWFATTI,  who  had  so  re- 
cently the  splendid  haul  for  the  Scutari  monument,  and  who,  besides, 
is  not  an  architect. 

They  can't  want  it  for  the  man,  whoever  he  was,  who  made  the 
Trafalgar  Square  Fountains,  because  his  remorse  must  long  ago  have 
consigned  him  to  Hades. 

They  can't  want  it  for  the  designer  of  the  Wellington  Funeral  Car 
— no  man  has,  in  one  life,  two  such  chances  of  committing  a  hideous- 
ness. 

They  can't  want  it  for  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL,  though  he  is  understood, 
in  Ciceronian  language,  to  have  "  tendered  his  high  Offices  "  to  the 
Government. 

Now,  for  whom  do  they  want  it  ? 

It  is  not  a  situation  in  one  of  the  Houses  of  Parliament,  to  be  given 
to  a  nobleman's  butler,  or  a  local  Judgeship,  to  be  given  to  a  patronised 
barrister,  or  a  Commissionership  to  be  given  to  a  worn-out  hack,  or  an  I 
Excise-place  to  be  given  to  a  loyal  voter  at  the  hustings,  or  a  Consul- ' 
ship  to  be  given  to  a  bankrupt  coal-merchant,  or  a  Bishopric  to  be 
given  to  the  cadet  of  a  family  mat  supports  a  Minister. 

These  are  all  matters  of  course,  and  no  one  would  be  impertinent 
enough  to  censure  the  natural  disposition  of  small  patronage. 

But  this  Plan  is  the  largest  interference  with  London  whicli  has 
been  devised  since  the  Fire,  and  upon  its  character  depends  the 
question  whether,  for  future  generations,  Westminster  shall  be  a 
beauty  or  a  blotch. 

Job  with  your  butlers  and  bishops  and  coal-merchants  and  consuls, 
but  the  Two  Hundred  and  Fifty  Plans  must  be  judged  fairly,  and  by 
men  who  are  known  to  be  trustworthy. 
Punch  demands  the  names  of  the  Judges. 


HOW  TO  WEED  YOUNG  PERSONS  OF  BAD  HABITS. 

THE  Governing  Council  of  the  Canton  of  Berne,  have  just  enacted 
that  young  men  are  to  be  prohibited  from  using  tobacco,  until  they 
have  been  confirmed.  Miss  JONES  approves  highly  of  this  enactment, 
although,  she  says,  it  may  be  open  to  the  objection  of  turning  the 
young  men  into  "confirmed  smokers."  But  she  dearly  wishes  that 
there  was  some  such  regulation  in  England  to  prevent  young  girls 
reading  novels!  She  lays  it  down  deliberately  as  her  opinion,  that, 
what  smoking  is  to  boys,  novel-reading  is  to  girls.  It  turns  their 
brains,  makes  them  giddy,  and  fills  their  heads  with  things  that  have  no 
right  to  be  there.  In  fact,  she  doubts  whether  a  novel— full,  as  they 
generally  are,  of  love,  and  weddings,  and  all  such  nonsense— is  not  far 
more  pernicious  to  a  young  girl,  who  is  scarcely  out  of  her  pinafore, 
than  a  penny  pickwick  is  to  a  boy,  on  whose  monkey  back  has  not  yet 
sprouted  the  tail-coat  of  manhood !  Besides,  the  cigar  is  generally 
followed  by  a  feeling  of  nausea;  but  the  novel  creates  an  artificial 
appetite,  that,  once  raised,  not  all  the  circulating  libraries  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood can  fully  gratify.  A  whiskerless  stripling  can  only  smoke 
a  certain  quantity  of  tobacco ;  but  the  little  chit  of  a  girl,  who  has 
once  contracted  the  evil  habit  of  reading  novels,  will  go  on  for  hours 
and  hours  together,  and  will  actually  take  the  captivating  volume  to 
bed  with  her.  She  neglects  her  duties,  becomes  listless  and  moony, 
rolls  herself  of  her  sleep,  and  believes  that  every  cab,  which  stops  at 
the  door,  conceals  the  faultless  form  of  some  enamoured  ALPHONSO, 
who,  long  loving  her  in  secret,  has  come  to  carry  her  off.  Miss  JONES 
concludes  a  brilliant  anathema  against  the  baneful  practice  by  declaring 
that,  if  she  could  have  her  way,  no  young  lady  should  see  a  novel  until 
she  was  married,  or  until  she  had  received  two  or  three  offers,  when, 
it  would  be  only  fair  to  conclude,  that  her  mind  had  become  so  far 
tutored  in  the  school  of  the  world  as  to  be  above  the  deleterious 
influence  of  sucli  sickening  rubbish ! 


The  New  Heading  Boom. 

THE  magnificent  New  Reading-room  for  the  student  at  the  British 
Museum  will  be  opened  on  the  8th  of  May ;  on  which  occasion,  it  is 
said,  MR.  PANIZZI,  in  the  handsomest  way,  proposes  to  give  a  banquet 
to  the  customary  readers.  The  dishes  will  be  served  in  alphabetical 
order  as  far  as  the  catalogue  is  at  present  completed.  Had  the  whole 
thing  been  done,  the  letter  Z  would  have  been  represented  by  a  haunch 
of  Zebra;  as  it  is,  the  banquet  will  be  limited  to  ABC:  namely  Ale 
Beef,  and  Cheese. 

TO  BANKS   THAT   FAIL. 

Q.  WHEN  a  Bank  fails,  what  would  you  call  a  Sovereign  remedy  ^ 
A.  To  pay  Twenty  Shillings  in  the  Pound. 


UTRAM  HARUM  MAVIS  ACCIPE. 

•  HANDSOME  reward  is  hereby  offered  for  an  explan- 
ation of  the  principles  on  which  the  Directors 
of  Exeter  Hall  regulate  their  censorship.  They 
refused,  the  other  day,  to  allow  "Sally  in  our 
Alley "  to  be  sung  in  their  semi-consecrated 
edifice,  but  on  Easter  Monday  they  permitted 
"all  the  choicest  music"  from  La  Traviata  to  be 
sung  there.  Now.  in  "Sally  "  the  poet  celebrates 
an  honest  girl  whom  an  honest  lad  desires  to 
make  his  wife.  In  La  Traviata  is  described  the 
love,  disease,  and  death,  of  an  "  unfortunate  "- 
the  very  name  "a  Traviata"  being  now  commonly 
used  to  indicate  one  of  those  unliappy  victims  of 
society.  The  saintly  Directors  of  Exeter  Hall 
consider  the  Harlot's  Progress  more  fit  to  be  pre- 
sented to  the  general  public  than  Marriage  a  la 
Mode—de  I'Eglise.  Why  ?  Next,  we  want  to 
know  why,  on  Easter  Monday,  they  permitted 
the  Traviata  words  to  be  sung,  but "  refused  to 
Wow  them  to  be  printed  in  the  programme.  Do  they  think  that 
the  Eye  is  more  susceptible  to  unvirtuous  impressions  than  the  Ear? 
Or  did  they  suppose  that  the  public  might,  if  unaided  by  a  libretto, 
take  the  music  for  that  of  an  oratorio  ?  On  what  principle  do  they 
sanction  _ the  utterance,  by  singers,  of  sentiments  whicli  they  try  to 
hinder  listeners  from  comprehending?  Is  it  moral  for  a  vocalist 
to  sing  words  which  it  is  immoral  for  an  audience  to  hear?  We 
hope  for  a  full  explanation,  but,  eu  attendant,  we  arc  in  great  fear 
that  the  whole  business  is  a  sad  compromise  between  Evangelical  and 
Mammonical  principles.  The  Directors  believed  that  there  was 
something  wrong  in  the  affair,  but  then,  they  receive  a  high  rent  for 
the  use  of  their  hall.  As  good  men,  how  ;  they  ought  to  rejoice  that 
the  erection  of  a  new  Music  Hall  for  London  is  likely  to  remove 
temptation  out  of  their  way. 


The  Art  of  Omnibus  Correspondence. 

Innocent  Old  Lady.  Can  you  tell  me,  if  you  please,  Sir,  how  omni- 
buses  correspond"  together? 

Fast  Young  Gentleman.  Why,  you  see,  Ma'am,  to  write  is  to  cor- 
respond—so when  one  'bus  goes  right  in  to  another,  they  call  it 
corresponding.  [OLD  LADY  audibly  shudders. 

Earl   "  Humphrey." 

A  CONSERVATIVE  contemporary  (the  aristocratic  Whigs  seldom 
condescend  to  furnish  news  to  their  own  organs)  announces  that  LORD 
CpWLEY  our  Ambassador  in  Paris,  is  to  receive  an  Earl's  coronet. 
J*ive  balls  are  to  be  given  to  a  nobleman  who  never  gave  one  supper ! 


APRIL  25,  1857.] 

II,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 

69 

ANTICIPATED 

CONVERSION  OF  DISSENTERS.                        sn;  cii.\i!!.i;s  .NAl-lKH  ON  \VHKKI>. 

Cm  K(  II    of    Kngland     Marriaire    is,    no        '''"K    '"'"•    :ilul    -                       ber    for    Southwark    mav  be   sp( 

:edily 

doubt,  a  1'cnt.  sometimes  requiring  extra- 
ordinary exertion.     Tlic  Church    cere- 

'iioni:,!  :iiished 

lor  tin-  oeneotang  of  ;  \\  have 

nothing   else    ii.    fasten    the 
and     •>•  -illy    rcon 

uuited  force  of  i-\  o  01  no 

sed,  therefore,  when  01 

;i<  such  an  operation,  the  llm 

'leu-rend lias  pre 

I iv  a  lavender-gloved   l!e\erend  or  t\\o. 
Hut  it  nou  :   ;he  I)i>- 

esirable  to  dout> 
j)owcr  of  the  niiiiT\iiur  engine.  \\ 
in  a  Welsh  paper  (save  that  we 
changed  names)  :— 

"At  the  Independent  Chapol.  I.lausaintBVrud,  l>v  the  I!i  i  .;BHS, 

atsiitrd  !iy  the    UKVERKM  :.M;P.T~   (,|     Tiv In.wellagolleu,    MR     KDWAKD 

BOKERTS  of  Penmanmaur,  to  JrarMA,  daughter  of  MR.  JOHN  J OSES  of  Llanytwch- 
'^wiLicch,  LUuisaiutffraid." 

\Ve  cannot  quite  ,,|  this  kind  of  thing.     \Vorldl\ 

ry   from  \\orhlh 
parsons  may  be  wanted  to  solder  the  Hymeneal  chain.     Bvi 

•nter  is  a  perpetual  protestation  that  .  but 

ither-worldly.  Ergo,  with  Dissenters,  marriage  must  1. 
act  based  upon  (he  purist  moiivcs.  ami  it-  solemnisation  mn-i  In-  tin- 
easiest  tiling  iu  the  world.  Whythen  are  a  Hi  (.MKsaiui  :<  mied 
for  so  slight  a  task  ';•  Can  it  be  that  the  love  of  displav,  that  weakness 
discoverable  even  in  independent  us  well  as  established  bosons, 
prompts  Llansaintll'raid  Dissenters  (o  publish  to 

have  two  ,  like  chureh  couples  at    !v  ,    Hanover 

Square.   Or  is  it  that  Nonconformity,  which  now  build  • 
places  of  worship  wit  h  spires  and  bells,  has  itst-  .'evcrem! '' 

and  "  D.I).,"  and  is  a  lionet  her  growing  gentiemwly,  drop 

the  stubborn  Non,  and  tol)e  received  into  the  bosom  . 
mem 'r      Is    ii    (,)   meet.    Dissent    half   way   that 
appoints  four  Evangelical  bishops  in  a  row?     These  arc  suspic 
signs, andlhe  liight  Itcverend  Bishop  Pa«cA  intends  to  have  a 
with  tis  brother  of  I  pon  a  stftte  of  things  higtijr  oalcu] 

ahum  those  two  buttresses  of  the  Establishment. 


n  The  f'jifa 

!ior  on  the  eah-box.     Am;  nthwark  police- 

:  the  man  has  n 

ney," 
:iral  resjjon- 

to  go  and  see  SIK  CHAULK.S  :  it  • 
a  good  job  had  he  ne\er  come   ,  '     This  mayor 

For  our  own   part 

i  I  would  n  ,'IIKTHI  had 

Sin  i  u|  |,i. 

I.ES  is,  of  course,  rrn  .  r  I  lie 

consequences.    Besides,  it  is  very  plain  that ,  irt.the 

luring  of  cabs  was  altogether  guperftnooi;  seeing  that  if  he  had  onlv 

would   have   supplied  the   I'.al'ic    \dmirml  witii  any  number  ot 


THE  MMi  PISH. 

IXU1GXANT   TORY   FOOTMAX. 


"KNOW  THYSELF." 

A  GENTLEWOMAN  named  Miss   DASH  DASH  informs  the  world  by 
advertisement  ilial  she  "  eont innes  to  give  her  graphic  and  inl 
Delineations  of  Character,  discoverable  from  the  handwriting."     A 
spider  having  been  duly  dipped  in  an  ink-bottle  was  sufl'rred  ; 
about  a- sheet  of  writing-paper;  which  was  in  :ided  to 

Miss  D.vsit  D.vsn  wit  h  t  lie  required  "18  penny  post;.  "  for 

the  sybil  di\incs  nothing  under  a  clear  shillinsf,  and  her  res: 
,i  penny.     After  a  very  brief  delay,  Miss  Dvsn   I).\sii  Allow- 

ing delineation  of  charact(>r  as  supplied  by  the  spider  : — 

"The  individual  is  a  young  lady  who,  too  often  suffers  herself  to  become  &  victim 
of  useless  suspense.  Moreover  she  is  so  frequently  bent  upon  conquest  that  it  Ciin 
be  no  wonder,  if  licr  must  skilfully-woven  plans  are  rudely  broken  by  thoeo  she 
would  ensnare.  She  is,  certainly,  of  a  domestic  character  ;  nevertheless  gives  no 
sign  of  housewifery,  as  it  appears  to  me  that  she  can't  abide  a  broom,  and  has  no 
respect  for  the  tidiuess  of  u  housemaid.  Is  an  excellent  hand  at  crochet  and 
open-work." 

With  the  slight  mistake  of  a  spider  for  a  young  lady,  the  "interpre- 
tation" must  be  considered  perfect,  and  'well  worthy  the  thirteen 
postage  stamps. 


"  The  Mud-fish  at  the  Crystal  Palace  escaped  from  Ins  taut,  nn 

found.    The  other  day  he  was  diaoorcwd  in  the  marble  canal,  uudcr  a  fa 

where  he  luid  been  amusing  hiia»elr  by  catiug  the  gold-fish,  aud  doubling  hii  aiie. 

1  N  Si  if  JosJenr's  marble  itiihni 

All  their  life  in  splendour  passes, 
Them 's,  you  see,  Us  Hupper  Classes. 

From  his  tank,  wnile  folks  is  deepiiig, 

MM  the  nasty  Mud-fish  leaping, 
W  ith  no  end  of  spite  to-wai 
s,  you  see,  the  Lower  ~~ 

ITp  and  dowm  ow  beam  scouring, 
i  is  betters  he's  devouring/ 

Just  as  wouM  tbe»i  low  Refonnew. 


The  Q«* 


me  when  I  seed  'em : 
Ooat  give  low  fain  too  much  free 
Gold  fish  lives  an  this  here  basis, 
Keep  tte  Mwlftk  in  tteirplofes. 

1'Min. 


OBITUARY. 


DIED,  on  Easter  Monday,  th*t  terrible  old   nuisance,  Greenwich 

Fair ;  not  a  bit  lamented  tor  MJV  one  who  knew  it,  pickpockets  and 

•pted.    The  deceased  had  been  for  many  years 

-.ay,  and  at  the  last  had  sunk  to  so  low  a  state  that  it  was 

•top  to.    For  many  seasons  past 

o  attacks  by  the  public  press,  and  from 

what   had   transpired   in    contemporary  columns — those    which    are 

i — it  was  evident  that  ih,  deceased 
xpeeted  to  survive.     It  may  be  said,  therefore,  that 
-  cliic.fly  brought  on  by  exposure ;  while  it  will  generally 
initted  that  I  if  regarded  as  a  happy  release. 

ir  reverence  for  the  departed,  a  few  sorrowing  swell-mobsmea 
are  about,  we  understand,  to  raise  a  tombstone  to  its  memory,  on  the 
spot  once  sacred  to  the  Crown  and  Anchor.  The  device  will  simply 
be  an  empty  hand  and  an  extinguisher ;  and  the  motto,  in  thieves' 
Latin  -. — 

"  Sic  transit  gloria  Easter  Mundi ! " 


'VV.YKK  HVSS1AN    K.V1LWAYS! 

RUSSIAN  agents  are  hard  at  work  again,  trying  on  their  Govern- 
ment's loan  for  the  construction  of  railways  'intended  for  stratcsic 
purposes,  idl  included  in  the  one  great  purpose  of  subjugating  the 
world.  During  the  present  high  rate  of  interest,  it  would  be  an 
insult  to  the  understanding  of  our  readers  to  advise  them  to  ii 
money  in  the  Russian  Railway  Loan,  to  say  nothing  of  the  baseness 
whereof  such  advice  would  presume  them  capable.  But  if  they  know 
any  fool  proposing  to  embark  any  capital  in  that  scheme,  let  them 
point  out  to  him  his  folly ;  and,  should  he  persist  in  Ids  stupid  a-^ 
:is  vile  intention,  let  them  excommunicate  liim  and  deny  him  fire  and 
water;  refusing  to  hand  him  the  decanter  wherewith  to  temper  his 
brandy,  or  the  box  of  lucifcr-matches  to  furnish  him  with  a  light  for 
his  cigar. 


Mr.  Gladstone's  Tea  and  ColTce. 

WE  think  we  have  discovered  the  reason  why  ME.  GLADSTONE 
affects  to  make  such  a  point  of  cheapening  tea.  He  wishes,  perhaps, 
to  inake  some  amends  for  that  memorable  piece  of  mismanagement  for 
uliieh  he  and  his  I'celite  colleagues  in  office  under  ABERDEEN  deserve 
to  be  called  the  Green  Coffee  Cabinet. 


Accident  in  Traasitu. 


How  happily  was  the  vessel  which  broke  down  the  other  day  on  her 
out  named  the  Transit!    With  similar  felicity  a  grove,  in  the 
Latin  language,  is  called  Incut,  and  In  the  same  figure  of  speech  we 
denominate  a  dunce  a  bright  youth,  and  call  the  officials  of  trie  Admi- 
ralty clever  fellows. 


170 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  25,  1857. 


humiliating  to  consider  that  of  two  men  whose 
dispositions  are  precisely  similar,  but  whose 
intellects  are  unequal,  the  more  stupid  will  be 
the  more  courageous.  His  apprehension  of 
danger  will  be  the  less  strong.  It  is  undeniably 
sad— an  evidence  of  deplorable  retrogression — 
that  there  should  be,  at  the  present  day,  a  neces- 
sity for  the  cultivation  of  a  mental  force  of  so 
unspiritual  a  nature.  You  must  naturally  have 
been  shocked,  on  reading,  the  other  day,  in  the 
published  list  of  the  heroes  lately  decorated 
with  the  Cross  above  named,  the  following 
specification  of  the  bravery  of  a  British  soldier : — 

"THE  ARMY. 
"  2nd  DRAGOONS. 

"  SERJEANT  MAJOH  JOBS  GRIEVE  (No.  774).— Saved  the 
life  of  an  officer  in  the  Heavy  Cavalry  Charge  at  Balaclava, 
who  was  surrounded  by  the  Russian  cavalry,  by  his  gal- 
lant conduct  in  riding  up  to  his  rescue,  and  cutting  off  the 
head  of  one  Russian,  disabling  and  wounding  the  others." 

Ah,  brethren!  there  was  a  time  when  we 
thought  to  hear  no  more  of  cutting  off  heads 
except  as  a  bygone  atrocity ;  a  matter  of  history, 
and  HENRY  THE  EIGHTH  and  BLUEBEARD.  We 
do,  however,  hear  of  it  as  a  contemporary  achieve- 
j  ment ;  a  meritorious  act,  rewarded  with  a  mark 
I  of  honour.  What  is  more,  brethren,  we  must 
admit  that  the  honour  is  exceedingly  well  be- 
stowed. If  we  had  not  heroes  like  SERJEANT 
MAJOR  JOHN  GRIEVE  of  the  2nd  Dragoons  to  cut 
off  our  enemies'  heads  in  case  of  necessity,  we 
should  be  unable,  brethren,  to  eat,  drink,  sleep, 
marry,  give  in  marriage,  and  spin  calico,  with 
any  security. 

All  honour,  therefore,  to  physical  courage — • 
and  we  ought  to  rejoice  that  it  is  capable  of 
being  so  cheaply  rewarded.  Really,  the  figure  at 
which  we  get  a  common  soldier  to  run  the  risk 
|  of  death  attended  with  the  greatest  pain,  or  of 
wounds  entailing  a  life  of  the  direst  misery,  is 
very  low.  What  should  we  do  if  there  did  not, 
in  a  pretty  considerable  number  of  human  minds, 
exist  a  property  of  passing,  on  occasion,  into  a 
state  of  excitement  overpowering  both  the  imagi- 
nation and  the  intellect,  so  as  to  preclude  the 
idea  of  imminent  lacerations  and  shattered  limbs  ? 
For  this  is  a  mental  property  necessary  for  the 
defence  of  material  property,  when  that  is  assailed 
by  means  of  weapons  and  projectiles  calculated 
to  cut,  tear,  and  crush  the  living  body.  There- 
fore, brethren,  let  us  not  object  to  the  distribu- 
tion of  Victoria  Crosses,  but,  on  the  contrary, 
applaud  it  with  the  warmest  enthusiasm.  And 
let  us  remember  that,  if  we  want  to  have  no 
more  rewards  for  cutting  heads  off  conferred  for 
some  time  to  come,  our  wisest  plan  will  be  to 
maintain  an  efficient  number  of  heroes  in  perfect 
readiness,  whenever  they  may  be  called  upon,  to 
perform  that  feat  of  swordsmanship. 


THANK  GOODNESS!   FLY-FISHING  HAS  BEGUN! 

Miller.  "  DON'T  THEY,  REALLY  !    PERHAPS  THEY  'LL  RISE  BETTER  TOWARDS  THE  COOL  OP  THE 

EVBNING,   TBEY  MOSTLY  DO  !  " 


A  CROSS  FOE  THE  PEACE  SOCIETY. 

You  know,  brethren  of  the  Peace  Society,  that  a  new  military  and  naval  decoration  has 
been  instituted,  under  the  name  of  the  Victoria  Cross,  for  the  reward  of  valour  displayed  in 
actual  warfare.  You  know  what  kind  of  merit  it  is  which  is  thus  rewarded— merit  of  a  low 
kind,  you  will  say.  Too  true.  Yes,  brethren,  the  merit,  in  truth,  is  that  of  mere  brute 
courage— the  very  quality  which  makes  dogs  delight  to  bark  and  bite,  and  bears  and  lions 
growl  and  light— which  impelled  a  bull,  the  other  day,  to  charge  a  railway  train  right  full  in 
the  face,  and  between  the  glaring  eyes  of  the  engine,  which  was  bearing  down  upon  him  at 
mil  speed,  in  the  dark.  To  be  sure,  a  brave  man  may  have  some  other  inducement  to  run  his 
head  into  a  cannon's  mouth  than  that  which  urged  the  bull  to  dash  his  against  the  loco- 
motive ;  but  still,  no  doubt,  the  impulse  is  mainly  the  same  in  both  cases— animal  courage  • 
the  instinct  of  opposition  to  danger  stupefying  the  sense  of  danger.  Certainly  it  is 


TO  A  CORRESPONDENT. 

A  RESPECTED  Correspondent  writes  to  us  to 
say  that  ever  since  the  appointment  of  the 
amiable  gentleman,  and  excellent  scholar,  now 
Censor  of  Plays,  he,  our  Correspondent,  has 
been  hammering  at  a  joke  which  is  to  bring  in 
the  names  of  that  gentleman,  an  admirable 
actress  at  the  Lyceum,  and  two  rivers  in  Russia. 
He  has  not  guile  done  it,  but  thinks  he  could 
make  it  out,  if  we  would  give  him  a  little  more 
time.  He  may  have  as  much  as  he  pleases,  but 
we  dare  say  we  could  knock  it  off  for  him  at 
once.  If  the  best  actress  at  the  Lyceum  liked 
a  farce,  why  must  the  Manager  make  a  long 
journey  to  get  it  licensed?  Because  he  would 
have  to  go  from  the  Dneiper  to  the  Vistida. 
Certainly  not — sold  again.  Because  he  would 
have  to  go  from  the  WOOLGA'  to  the  DONNE. 


EXPERIENCE.— Like  Time,  it  puts  a  man  up 
to  many  a  wiinkle. 


•?taS  fillet ,  r\nf,^  Mu!let.hE."f?,'1  °'r  N,°-  y-  Q""',n'5  ??.*i  Wet  R?««''«  r;'". '"'"'  I"  *«  Fa'l«l>  »'  St.  P.ncnu,  in  the  County  of  MiddleiM. 
Wnitefnars,  in  the  Citj  of  London,  unj  Published    bj  iliem  at  No.  86,  Fleet  Street,  ia  the  Parith  o[  St.  Bride,  in  the  Sitj  o} 


MAT  2,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


171 


I    ^ 


"THE    SMOKE    CONTROVERSY." 

'ui'j  a  flexible  tube  to,  and  Smoking  Cavendish  out  of  your  Afotlur'i 
best  Silver  Tea-Pot  it  excess." 

Vide  "  Lancet,"  April,  1857. 


CRINOLINE  VIEWED  AS  A   DEPOPULATING 
INFLUENCE. 

AMONG  the  causes  which  are  cited  to  account  for  the  decreasing 

rate  of  increase  of  the  French  population,  it  is  thought  that  the  spread 

of  the  Crinoline  contagion  is  proving  most  injurious  in  its  effects  upon 

isus.    The  mode  now  prevailing  is  one  of  such  extravagance 

that  it  is  continually  demanding  fresh  sacrifices,  and  ladies  have  to 

choose  between  a  line  dress  and  a  family,  for  no  income  but  a  ROTIIS- 

can  provide  for  both.    The  result  is,  for  the  most  part,  as  we 

learn  by  the  Examiner  that — 

"Where  you  would  see  with  English  hnhits  half  a  dozeu  heallhy  boys  and  girls 
walking  with  their  parents,  yuu  see  instead,  iu  the  Bois  de  Boulogne,  a  fins  lady  in 
a  h;imlsume  opeu  carri;i^e." 

To  take  a  broad  view  of  the  subject,  we  must  look  at  the  wide  petti- 
coats, and  the  many  "widths"  of  silk  which  are  consumed  in  covering 
them ;  and  we  shall  see  at  once  aproof  that  the  declining  census  has 
great  ly  owed  its  decrease  to  this  Crinolineal  influence.  Of  course,  the 
wider  grow  the  dresses  the  longer  grow  the  bills  which  ladies  have  to 
pay  for  them,  and  the  narrower  in  consequence  become  their  means  of 
Hying.  So  much  swelling  when  they  are  out  necessitates  their 
pinching  somewhat  closely  when  at  home  ;  and  whatever  can  be  done 
without  is  given  up  at  once  as  not  to  be  afforded.  Children  are  not 
in  the  fashion,  and  may  therefore  be  dispensed  with;  so  that  as  the 
petticoats  expand,  the  population  dwindles,  and  a  love  of  a  new  dress 
supplants  that  of  a  family. 

If  the  census  fail  to  bring  the  nation  to  its  senses,  it  is  obvious  that 
Government  will  have  to  interfere,  and  devise  the  means  to  check  this 
forced  march  of  extravagance,  which  is  proving  a  dead  march  to  the 
non-rising  generation.  We  would  suwst,  wore  we  consulted,  that  a 
Censor  of  Crinoline  should  forthwith  be  appointed,  and  that  the  shops 
of  all  the  milliners  should  be  under  his  inspection ;  so  that  no  dress  be 
permitted  of  extravagant  circumference,  or  of  such  a  richness  of 
material  as  might  impoverish  a  family.  It  would,  doubtless,  much 
conduce  to  the  prosperity  of  Paris,  were  cradles  brought  in  fashion 
and  were  Crinoline  kicked  out  of  it ;  and  we  should  be  rejoiced  to  hear 
that  coral  bells  and  baby-jumpers  were  becoming  there  a  merchandise 
in  more  demand  than  air-jupons.  All  true  friends  of  France  would 
rather  see  a  houseful  there  of  children  than  of  petticoats  and  flounces, 
and  at  present  only  in  the  mansion  of  a  miUionnaire  would  there  be 
room  enough  for  both. 

It  has  been  said  that  Frenchwomen  display,  universally,  the  best  of 
taste  in  dressing,  and  are,  by  nature,  gifted  with  extraordinary  apti- 
tude for  learning  and  avoiding  what  is  unbecoming  to  them.  But 


certainly  at  present  they  evince  but  little  proof  of  this.  We  cannot 
think  it  in  good  taste  to  show  more  love  for  iinerv  than  affection  for  a 
family :  nor  eau  we  regard  it  as  becoming  in  a  wife  to  so  far  forget  her 
nature,  and  distort  her  duties,  as  to  ruin  her  husband  by  the  richness 
of  her  dresses,  and  in  I  lie  blindness  of  idolatry  to  even  sacriliee  her 
children  to  the  Juggernaut  of  Fashion. 


PROSE  OF  THE  PULPIT. 

AN  amusing  correspondent  of  the  Times,  under  the  signature  of 
"IlA.niTA.NS  ix  fsicco"  has  been  lately  complaining  of  the  average 
quality  of  sermons.  HABITAXS  IN  SICMI  is  not  content  to  dwell  in 
the  dry  pastures  to  which  most  flocks  are  limited  by  most  pastors. 
But  he  mistakes,  or  does  not  consider,  the  orthodox  end  and  object  of 
sermons  intended  for  intelligent  people.  The  chief  merit  of  such 
sermons  actually  consists  in  their  dtyness.  Herein  they  resemble  the 
favourite  vinous  In  \i-i.'iire  nl  SO  many  of  tho.^c  who  write,  or  at  least 
deliver  them.  If  a  sermon  had  not  that  merit,  no  enlightened  indi- 
vidual would  have  any  in  hearing  it.  Most  persons  of  common 
ability  and  education  know  nearly  all  that  a  clergyman  has  to  tell 
them.  To  them  the  use  of  a  sermon  is  simply  disciplinary.  There 
would  be  no  moral  effort  in  listening  to  a  sermon  which  interested 
their  understanding  or  excited  their  feelings.  For  them,  what  is 
called  an  "  awakening  "  sermon  is  a  mistake.  The  sermon  ought,  on 
the  contrary,  to  have  a  somniferous  influence,  to  be  resisted  bv  them 
as  an  act  of  duty.  Then  it  exercises  them  in  patience  and  long- 
suffering:  the  greater  the  bore  the  better  the  sermon  in  regard  to 
them. 

If  the  above  view  of  sermons  is  not  correct,  it  ought  to  be,  accord- 
ing to  existing  arrangements.  A  sermon  to  be  good,  in  the  sense  of 
being  eloquent,  impressive,  and  instructive,  requires  perhaps  rather 
more  ability  on  the  part  of  the  author  than  a  good  serial:  and  how  can 
authorship,  with  oratory  to  boot,  be  expected  from  the  ordinary  run 
of  reverend  gents  ?  Nothing  can  be  reasonably  expected  from  them 
beyond  t  he  platitudes  which  you  get— uttered  with  a  peculiar  intonation 
for  which  those  clergymen  are  chiefly  remarkable  who  intone  their 
sermons  only,  and  which  may  be  described  as  a  melancholy  moaning, 
recognised  at  any  distance,  at  which  it  is  barely  audible,  as  the  noise 
of  preaching. 

MANNERS. 

HE  annexed  ad- 
vertisement has 
puzzled  us  to  un- 
derstand. 

TO  ADULTS 
who  have  NEVER 
LEARNT  to  DANCK, 
—A  lady  of  celebrity 
receives  daily,  and  un- 
dertakes to  TEACH, 
ladies  and  gentlemen, 
in  12  private  lessons, 
to  go  through  all 
the  fashionable  BALL 
ROOM  DANCES  with 
ease  of  manner  and 
grace  of  deportment, 
including  the  neces- 
sary manner  of  enter- 
ing and  leaving  a 
room,  curtsey,  &c. 

What  is  the 
necessary  manner 
of  entering  and 
leaving  a  room  ?  For  anybody  but  a  zany  iu  a  pantomime,  who  may 
crawl  into  or  out  of  an  apartment  on  all  fours,  we  should  think  that 
the  simple  method  of  progression  on  two  legs  was  the  only  one  which 
there  could  be  any  necessity,  or,  indeed,  reason,  for  adopting.  It  is 
difficult  to  conceive  what  there  can  be  to  teach  in  respect  of  entering 
a  room  or  leaving  it.  That  there  may  be  something  to  unteach  is 
intelligible  enough,  for  some  people  on  entering,  or  leaving  a  room, 
pull  up  their  collars,  others  throw  their  coats  off  their  chests,  others 
rub  their  hands  as  if  they  were  washing  them  :  and  these  are  unneces- 
sary manners  of  entering  a  room,  to  be  unlearned  by  all  gents  who 
aspire  to  ease  of  manner  and  grace  of  deportment. 


Russian  Railways  and  Piety. 

IT  is  said  that  the  Russian  Railways  remaining  very  dead  in  the 
market,  the  EMPEROK  ALEXANDER  has  received  a  very  handsome  mer- 
cantile offer  from  the  late  Manager  of  the  British  Bank,  proposing  to 
attempt  to  give  the  stock  a  lift,  as  the  British  Bank  was  opened,  by 
means  of  prayer ! 


VOL.  XXXII. 


17  J 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAT  2,  1857. 


BAD    NEWS    FOR    DONKEYS. 

SININE  longevity  has 
been  a  somewhat  fruit- 
ful subject  of  discussion 
among  uat  uralists,  but 
we  believe  that  nearly 
all  the  best  informed 
authorities,  from  CUVIER 
to  SAM  WEI.LEK,  agree 
almost  precisely  in  their 
views  upon  the  matter. 
It  was  the  opinion  nf  t  lie 
latter  that  the 
asses,  on  the  avi 
of  so  prolonged  dm  ;ii  inn 
that  he  questioned  if  the 
man  were  living  who  had 
seen  a  dead  one :  and 
although  CUVIEU  may 
not  go  quite  the  length 
of  this,  he  still  describes 
the  donkey  race  as  being 
most  conspicuously  a 
long-yeared  species. 

All  friends,  however, 
of  the  ass  (and  the  cynic 
might  remark  that  there 
are  few  human  families 
which  in  one  or  other  of 
their  members  may  not 
claim  relationship)  will 
be  concerned  to  hear  that  steps  are  being  taken  which  will  tend  to  shorten  very 
much  its  average  existence.  A  paragraph  just  quoted  from  the  Union  informs  us 
that— 

"  In  consequence  of  the  sucr  H  attended  bringing  horseflesh  iuto  use  as  human  food 

a  Society  has  been  formed  at  Paris  for  causing  the  flesh  of  young  asses  to  be  eaten  also.  The 
Society  maintains  that  such  meat  is  the  most  delicious  in  existence,  and  quotes  the  example  of 
M.wt.-x  AS  and  CAKIHXAL  DUPONT,  both  distinguished  gourmands,  who  were  passionately  fond  of 
the  flesh  of  young  asses." 

Of  course,  if  this  Society  attains  much  influence,  the  longevity  of  donkeys  will 
be  counted  shortly  with  the  Hessian  boots  and  pigtails  of  our  fathers,  among  the 
almost  fabulous  traditions  of  the  past.  To  please  the  palate  of  the  gourmand  all 
asses  must  die  young,  and  they  no  longer  will  enjoy  that  patriarchal  age  which, 
it  is  believed,  their  flesh  is  heir  to.  If  the  onophagites  prevail,  a  donkey's  life 
will  soon  become  as  short  as  is  its  gallop,  and  essays  will  be  written  in  the  praise 
of  juicy  asslings,  after  the  manner  of  ELIA'S  Essay  on  Roast  Pig. 


Well,  certainly  there  is  no  accounting  for  a  gourmand's 
tastes;  and  what  is  one  man's  asses' meat  may  be  another's 
poison.  We  must  confess  we  have  ourselves  no  inordinate 
desire  to  sit  down  with  our  family  to  an  asinine  repast ; 
and  while  our  friends  can  give  us  a  beefsteak  and  oyster- 
sauce,  we  shall  not  grumble  at  the  lack  of  donkey  cutlets 
or  stewed  ass's  head  to  follow.  In  fact,  so  long  as  a  lamb 
chop  and  a  haunch  of  venison  be  procurable,  we  think  that 
I  IIP  man  who  would  prefer  to  dine  off  donkey,  must  in  some 
degree  be  regarded  as  a  cannibal. 

TESTIMONIAL  TO  WORKING  MEN. 

DURING  the  war,  a  number  of  artisans  and  artificers 
were  employed  at  the  dockyards  and  arsenals;  and  to  their 
labours  was  in  a  greal  measure  owing  the  termination  of 
the  Russian  war.  Having  withdrawn  from  their  former 
engagements,  they  found  themselves,  on  the  conclusion  of 
hostilities,  without  the  means  of  procuring  work  in  place 
of  that  which  Government  no  longer  required.  Under 
these  circumstances  it  was  thought,  lit  that  a  testimonial 
should  be  given  them  for  their  services,  and  accordingly 
they  received  one  at  a  moment's  notice  in  the  shape  of  the 
sack.  In  answer  to  their  petition  for  help  to  emigrate, 
it  was  intimated  to  them  that  Government  would  hell.' 
them  if  they  would  help  themselves.  They  complied  with 
the  condition,  and  scraped  a  sum  of  money  together ;  but 
the  Government  has  not  been  so  good  as  its  heavenlike 
word.  We  hope  that  another  war  will  not  happen  till  these 
circumstances  shall  have  been  forgotten ;  for  tliey  are  such 
as,  if  remembered,  will  hardly  induce  working  men  to 
undertake  public  employment, in  a  hurry. 


The  Maine  Liquor  Law. 

MR.  GouGiihas  gone  into  mourning  for  the  acknowledged 
failure  of  the  Maine  Liquor  Law.  He  writes,  "The  Maine 
Law  is  a  dead  letter  everywhere."  Drowned,  like  poor 
Ophelia,  but  not  of  "  too  much  water."  The  fact  is,  tempe- 
rance is  a  matter  of  education ;  it  is  not  to  be  forced  int., 
people's  houses  either  on  high  or  low  service.  Unlike  th 
Nc«  River,  temperance  is  not  to  be  turned  on  "from  th:: 
Maine." 

KOTIISCU1UMSI1    QUESTION. 

WHEN  will  the  Peerage,  iced  with  pride,  come  to  : 
Thaw,  and  Resolve  into  itself  a  Jew  ? 


A  BUBBLE  TOO  BAD  FOR  BARING. 

CAN  anybody  of  the  British  nation, 
Attempt  a  railway  loan's  negotiation, 

His  countrymen  in  Russian  toils  ensnaring  ? 
No  firm  in  England,  sure,  could  be  so  base, 
Let  us  then  hope  that  such  is  not  the  case, 

Although  reported  of  the  House  of  BAKING. 

Since  Russian  railways  clearly  are  intended, 
Troops  merely  to  convey  when  they  are  ended, 

No  one  for  liberty  one  button  caring, 
Would  lend  a  halfpenny  for  their  construction"; 
Whence  we  will  venture  upon  the  deduction 

That  nought  has  been  lent  by  the  House  of  BARING. 

11  on-  dreadfully  the  trade  of  money-dealing 
i  wither  every  patriotic  feelini, 

For  the  world's  conquest  if  the  C'/.AR,  preparing, 
lly  promise  of  per-centage  could  persuade 
Such  capitalists  his  designs  to  aid, 

As  the  world-famous  British  House  of  BARIXG. 

The  British  merchant  throughout  all  the  earth, 
\\  iis  once  renowned  for  honourable  worth, 
_  And  still,  in  spite  of  late  exceptions  glaring, 
Enjoys  a  portion  of  his  ancient  fame. 
But  oh !  what  would  become  of  his  good  name, 
If  Russia's  factors  were  the  House  of  BAKING? 

And  then  (he  usury  with  which  is  baited 
The  Russian  hook,  is  at  a  ti- 

Which  may  be  termed  eompM-alively  sparing; 
Precarious,  too,  if  war  should  intervene, 
To  take  ihc  Russian  i  -ait  would,  then,  how  sreeii 

I  lave  been  of  the  bamboozled  House  of  BAKING. 


Invest  no  money,  friends,  if  you  have  any, 
In  foreign  undertakings  ;  not  a  penny. 

How  many  are  of  dividends  despairing 
Who  sunk  their  cash  in  various  foreign  bonds ! 
They  might  as  well  have  thrown  it  into  ponds, 

Not  to  be  thought  of  by  the  House  of  BASING. 

Li  model  lodging-houses,  and  improvements 
At  home  •  or  promising  colonial  movements, 

You  will  take  shares,  if  honourably  daring, 
But  rather  lend  your  rhino  to  old  Scratch, 
Than  risk  it  on  the  bubble,  called  a  catch, 

Blown  by  wild  Rumour  on  the  House  of  BAKING. 


SOMETHING  IN  A  NAME. 

WE  sec  that  MADAME  ORTOLANI  is  announced  as  a  songstress 
at  HER  MAJESTY'S  Theatre:  and  her  name  so  reminds  us  of  a  hiiv 
,  which  we  have  never  as  yet  thought  to  be  a  singing  one,  thai  v, 
j  feel  impelled,  as  naturalists,  to  go  and  hear  her.  We  think  we 
expect  that,  while  she  is  confined  to  MR.  LUMLEY'S  cage,  we  shah1  find 
her  sing  more  after  nightfall  than  by  day :  and  in  this  respect  at  least 
we  may  look  to  trace  in  her  the  nature  of  the  nightingale.  But  whar 
a  pleasure  it  would  be  to  us  to  discover  in  her  voice  a  further 
reason  for  the  parallel,  and  how  we  still  more  should  delight  to  find 
in  the  Italian  Ortolan  a  songstress  to  remind  us  of  the  Swedish 
Nightingale  ! 

Small  Prophets  and  Quick  Returns. 

THE  extreme  uncertainty  which  the  country  entertains  touching  the 
principles  of  a  great  many  members  of  the  new  parliament,  will 
warrant  the  adapting,  in  future  elections,  the  inscription  on  the  railway 
pay-places — 

'ELECTORS  ARE  REQUESTED  TO  EXAMINE  THEIR  CANDIDATES,  AND  SEE  WHETHER 
THEY  ARK  THE  TlCKKT,  EETORE  LETTIKO  TIIKM  LEAVK  THE  HfSTIXciS,  Av  NO 
MISTAKES  win.  AFTERWARDS  BE  Kia-.cxi .-EH." 


MAY  2,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


173 


"SAFE    AS    THE    BANK  "-(BRITISH    TO    WIT.) 

has  been  pub- 
lished lately  a  pam- 
phlet with  the  some- 
vvha!  takile.'titlc.  ' 

are  Safe?    Not  having 
lionised  it  further  than 
the  tille-page,   v 
not  be  expected 
reet]y  guess  its  author- 
ship ;      lint      Kumour 
might  do  mure  unwise- 
ly than    assign 

,     M'i. 
.  "ho, 
for  his  ajit  i 

dark.,    in:-. 
christened     with 

"11  (  )h- 
M-urer. 

\Vr 

j'rturc    from    (he    fact 
Mi:.   ('..    liaviiiir 
all  such  men  Ix-eome  the   ! 


otieto,)  and  haviiiit.  with  (he  elder   1)\  'got  nut  of 

hen.  like  VIIKK,  be  WHS  likely  to  be   "wanted;" 

if  R.  C.  is  clearly  qjute  in  a  position  to  point  out  to  us  how,  when  a 

Bank   ('ails  with  which   one   is   connected.  <  •  rsonally  sceure 

safely—  from  arrest.     Having  taken  his  lii  net   from  a 

line  •  -,,  — 


'  He  that  clients  nnd  runs  a 
May  live  to  cheat  an 


.Mil.  f'^iKRox  has  plainly  sulved  (he  problem  of  the  pamphlet,  and 

•nay  therefore  not  unreasonably  be  guessed  to  have  propounded  it. 

As  so  shining  an  example  is  pretty  certain  to  be  followed,  it  would 

well  if  steps  were  taken  to  in  future  stop  the  Ilia-lit  of  all  such 

birds  of  prey,  and  pray  (for,  although  belonging  to  (he  hawk  tribe,  the 

IKON  was  "  reckoned  a  religious  bird;  "  his  epistles  mostly  bear 

i  he  Exeter  Hallmark).     There  perhaps  would  not  be  quite  so  many 

•  •  by  these  mohawks  were  the  latter  i 

with  more  as  vermin,  and  hunted  down  as  objects  of  extermi- 

?  pursuit.    We  incline  indeed  to  think,  that  a  new  Game  Law 

d  to  prevent  the  game  of  "  beggar  my  neighbour  "  being 

th  such  impunity  as  has  been  heretofore  indulged  in.     As 

ii!  a  captured  kite  to  their  barn-doors  pour  encowrager  les 

S  so  _when  next   a   bubble   breaks  we   should   like  to   see   the 

•ers  of  it  "nailed"  on  the  spot;  and  it  would  increase  onr  M 

d  the  force  of  the  deterrent,  if  the  process  of  nailing  them 
entrusted  to  the  police,  mid  if,  to  clench  the  matter,  i! 
i  ere  done  in  Nev, 


OPINIONS  OF  A  DISAPPOINTED  MAN. 

"iid  of  his  money  has  rarely  anything  tetter  to  be  proud  of 
-1™-8  v  '»•>•«  are,  too  often,  the  emlil.  i«hip— there  is 

lit  no  fruit. 

y  nun  wl  o  delight  ill  playing  the  fool,  but  who  get  angry  the 
•1  PO 

iigham  coes  much  further  than  knowledge 
:it,'ht  to  lv  particular— it  is  M,  OK 

••  rare  commodity,  tliat  the  world  has  entered 
without  It. 
^Wealth  itself  is  not  so  much  despised— it  is  only  the  man  who  is  the  posoeuor 

•m  with  a  master-miml— that  is  to  say    with  a  mind  to  be 

i'1  she  i>  u,. 

iM  pay  an  ill-word  against  the  Doctors 

(",'"1  <>ni"  th'u  wo  l«i' :'  "larl  *"  bis  laeu— K.'irca«ms  arc  what 'we 

pay  him  nut  with  Ixihiml  lii^ 
Toad-eating  is  alwa> 
In  Fraiu'i-  tlicre  is  nothing  young— excepting  yonr  tfrjets  d' 


TUNNY  INTELLIGENCE. 

:   is  perhaps  no  valid  reason  why  the  subjoined  piece  of  intelli- 
gence should  create  a  laugh  — bul  it,  probably  will  :— 

-lias  just  taken  up  iU  ground  6,r  a  can.p  at  Ti«! 

mil  only  puzzles,  but  also  frequently  amuses,  more 
,vit,  and  the  extremely  nonsensical  sound  of  Tizzi  Ouzzou  will 
e  thai  merriment  which  would  fail  to  be  excited  by  a  pun 
the  word  \i7.n  too  obvious  for  these  columns   or  anv  other 


OUR  BOOTYKJL  DIRECTORS. 

maxim  that  "Heaven  will  help  those  who  help  them- 

ni    mind    most    earcl'nlli   ).• 
which   have  latclv  burst  in 

sunshine  of  publicity;   for  theie  !•-  i  dcmitisr  they 

"he!:  most    hlierally   to   all   the    funds    within 

'i-d  the  bai 

i|ilo\ing  its   spare  cash,  one    Din,  ;  to  discount  his  bills 

for  In  ue  of  rather   mi  , -and 

'.  liil-    another   kindh  is   of 

thousands  too,  paving  very  regn;-  .-.Inch 

ing  he  has  no 'idea  of  -  back  the 

pal. 

It  1  ',    "in  extenuation"    (a  iiould 

i  rifles    such  ',|    he 

their 

spiril 

f  tricks  by  their  rig;.-  'n-ther  in  • 

pli'.vv  that   such  "specula1  neat- 

akin  to  peculations,  in  l'ic;    that    the  initial  8  is  all  rence 

•lit  by  the  lesson,  and  ;  may  be  all  such  specu- 

-ii,  we  fear,  so  long  • 

well  off  for  soap,  there  will  be  no  end  to  blowing  babbles  for  them), 
we  think  that  shareholders  would  da  i  all  Direei 

ive  turn  of  mind,  supposing  means  to  be  de\  bed  by  which  that 
mental  turn  could  !«•  e.  nible.     Perhaps,  too, 

ell  if  Join;  ,  Mere  forced  to  keep  an  oculist 

upon  I  heir  si  aff, .in  order  that  all  future  candidates  for  a  directorship 
should  be  eviK'iiied  a.s  to  the  s' raight forwardness  of  their  views.  For 
instance,  v,  i  ,,f  Bantput,  any  claimant 

had  been  ascertained  to  "have  no  speculation  in  I  that  fact 

might— or  might  not — be  regarded  as  an  ocular  demonstration  in  his 
favour. 


DELICATE,  BUT   UNINTENTIONAL,  COMPLIMENT. 

Second  Lad.  "  No — tltere  's  ncthink  new, — 'cept  as  tlic  Queen 's  a-doina 
tli." 

First   Ditto.    "  WcJJ,  that   ain't   no  news— for  Her   .Vadjtutv  'i  allus 
rloin'  irtlll" 


1MB. 


a-doin'  well/ 


Heroic  Act  by  a   Surgeon. 

IT  appears  that  on  Wednesday  week  EHASMCS  WILSOJT  jumped  into 
the  Regent's  Canal,  and  brough  re  an  old  woman,  who   in 

her  despair,  had  attempted  suicide.     Unlike  beauty,  true  humanity  is 
more  than  tmt-di 


174 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  2,  1857. 


t\  PHOTOGRAPHIC      CrALLER^ 
' ali  titt IK.HU  wrtM'nfad    RE RR.E.C T, 


THE:    oa/&iNAL 

PHorOG-flAPtf/C 


ART-PROGRESS. 

Artist  (!)  "Now,  MUM!   TAKE  ORF  YEH  'BAD  TOR  SIXPENCE,  OR  YER  'OLE  BODY  FOR  A  SHILLIN'  ! 


FLOAVEKS  FROM  THE  WEST. 

THE  preposterous  assertion  that  the  inhabitants  of  the  United 
States  use  the  English  language  is  one  which  Mr.  Punch  has  occasion- 
ally to  refute  by  quotations  from  the  American  press.  The  other  day 
he  cited  an  instance  where  incomprehensibility  arose  from  the  peculiar 
political  slang  of  the  country.  Now  he  proposes  to  show  the  style  in 
which  plain  men  of  business  discuss  their  affairs.  The  following 
passage  is  from  a  New  York  Prices  Current  for  the  present  month. 
Imagine  Mark  Lane  addressed  in  these  terms  : — 

"  BREADSTUFFS  have  been  characterised  by  a  considerable  decline  in  free  oil  board 
value.  This  fall,  has  to  a  slight  extent  been  neutralised  by  advance  in  Freights, 
with  occasional,  spasmodically  delusive,  pulsations,  of  abortive  simulation.  Recent 
English  advices  seemed  ominously  proguosticative  of  reclamatory  evidence,  against 
prudence  of  American  Corn  Factors,  during  last  six  months.  Reaction,  has  not  yet 
kindled  a  name,  from  these  charred  embers,  of  financially  speculative  shipments. 
Apathy  pervades  our  Corn  Exchange,  :xnd  rumours  of  large  purchases,  are  only 
listened  to  with  passive  t'aeetiousness,  by  those  who,  are  technically  known  here  as 
American  Shippers.  Receivers,  with  profound  appreciation  of  that  '  Mille  et  une. 
Nuit '  magnificence,  which  since  1853,  has  surrounded  them  with  a  reflective  halo  of 
monetary  repletion,  nevertheless,  now  anticipate  a  lowerrange  of  prices  at  seaboard, 
than  those  hitherto  current.  Accommodating  themselves  in  all  probability  to  re- 
duced ideas  of  local  Millers,  or  Speculators,  based  practically  upon  reflective  fore- 
sight, and  chaotic  anticipation  among  Consignees  at  Atlantic  seaboard,  Farmers 
may  send  their  surplus  Wheat  freely  forward  Demand  for  Spain,  has  at  last  ceased, 
knocking  away  last  monetary  supports,  of  value  upon  stilts,  and  inaugurating  the 
launch  of  a  somewhat  crazy  vessel,  into  an  Ocean  of  '  Unrestricted  Competition,' 
commencing  1st  September,  1857.  l Hannibal  ad  Portas'  is  not  a  pleasant  classical 
facetia,  at  this  moment,  with  our  '  Patres  Conscripti.'  Indian  Corn  is  presumedly 
the  pet  article  of  shippers  for  a  monetary  holocaust,  to  jiorpetuate  fallacious  specu- 
lations, always  resulting  in  self-castigation.". 

This  kind  of  beautiful  writing  has  long  been  used  in  the  composition 
of  American  fashionable  novels,  but  we  were  not  aware,  until  favoured 
by  some  Liverpool  friends  with  the  document  whence  it  is  taken, 
that  the  luxurious  corn-merchants  of  New  York  demand  that  their 
sacks  should  be  wreathed  with  such  flowers  of  loveliness.  How- 
ever, every  nation  to  its  own  language.  All  that  we  protest  against 
is,  the  sentimental  assertion  that  England  and  America  speak  one 
tongue. 


HEADY  STUFF. 

OUR  subscribers  are  advised  to  draw  the  attention  of  any  stupid 
acquaintance  whom  they  may  happen  to  have,  to  the  notification 
following : — 

HUNGARY  WATER  Refreshes  the  Memory,  invigorates  the  brain, 
increases  the  power  of  thought ;  for  two  centuries  its  reputation  has  steadily 
advanced  till  at  the  present  time  it  has  fairly  eclipsed  all  other  odorant  waters. 
2s.  a  bottle,  10s.  6d.  a  case  of  six  flacons. 

Hungary  must  be  a  wonderful  country  compared  to  England. 
British  water  simply  refreshes  the  animal  system,  but  the  water  of 
Hungary,  according' to  the  above  advertisement,  refreshes  the  intellect. 
Hungary  water  will  perhaps  be  introduced  into  the  Universities,  w^ere 
an  occasional  glass  of  it  may  tend  to  simplify  the  "  Little  Go."  If 
the  clergy  would  take  to  Hungary  water  in  lieu  of  port,  that  improve- 
ment of  sermons  in  general  just  now  so  greatly  desired  might  ensue. 
The  new  House  of  Commons  might  try  Hungary  water,  and  then, 
perhaps,  the  speeches  of  the  Members  would  oe  less  remarkable  for 
stupidity  and  dulness  than  such  orations  have  mostly  been  heretofore. 
We  have  now  arrived  at  the  end  of  April ;  and  so  it  is  too  late  for 
anybody  to  make  a  present  which  would  have  been  seasonable  on  the 
first  of  the  month ;  namely,  to  send  a  bottle  of  Hungary  water  to  a 
fool.  

PUNCH  AND  THE  PUBLIC  SERVICE. 

THE  Civil  Service  Gazette  states  that  a  gentleman  named  WOOD, 
holding  a  situation  under  Government,  was  questioned  respecting  a 
squib  published  in  Punch,  and  that,  when  he  found  his  denial  was  con- 
sidered insufficient  to  clear  him,  he  committed  suicide  in  despair.  We 
doubt  this  story ;  because  the  heads  of  the  Government  offices  must 
know  that  very  few  of  their  subordinates  are  capable  of  writing  any- 
thing but  a  legible  hand.  If  it  is  true,  however,  it  is  an  evidence  of 
the  exercise  of  no  small  amount  of  petty  tyranny,  and  of  a  considerable 
deal  of  mean  injustice  on  the  part  of  certain  officials,  whose  position  in 
office  may  be  said  to  be  that  of  JACK. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MAY  2,  1857. 


OPENING     OF     PARLIAMENT. 

"  WHEN  SHALL  WE  THREE  MEET  AGAIN  ?  " 


MAY  2,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   Oil    THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


177 


THE    QUEEN'S    SPEECH    TO    THE    LADIES. 

EMBERS  of  Parliament  and 

Peers  of  the.  Realm 
about    to     be    iiist  i 
how    they   are    to    spend 
their  evenings  fur  i!i< 
i  iin  I  IKK  MUST 

GKACIOU.S  M  A.I  i  STY  has 
been  pleated  to  direct  t.liat 
a  companion  speech  might 
be  nrepand  lor  her,  in 
which  she  should  apprise 
their  wives  and  daughlcis 
how  tu  get  rid  of  the 
while  consorts  and 
are  prosing  or  sleeping  for 
the  good  of  the  nation. 
Mr.  Punch  has  been  fa- 
voured with  a  copy  of  the 
QUEEN'S  Speech  to  the 
Ladies,  and  is  informed 
that  in  the  event  of  II  ML 
MAJESTY'S  abscne. 
opening  of  the  session,  it 
will  he  delivered  by  the 
LORD  CHAMBERLAIN,  w  ho, 
as  the  peer  most  con 
with  the  topics  referred  to 
in  the  address,  will  follow 
the  LOUD  CHANCELLOR,  a 
peer  not  supposed  to  be  very  conversant  with  any  topic  at  all. 

"MY  LADIES  AMD  GIULS, 

"li  gives  me  "real,  pleasure  to  announce  to  you  that  besides 
the  usual  number  of  balls,  soirees,  dancing-teas,  at  homes,  and  other 
descriptions  of  paities  with  saltatory  and  matrimonial  objects,  a  great 
variety  of  public  amu  ill  be  offered  to  you  during  the  season. 

"At  the  opera-house  which  hears  my  name,  you  will  hear  a  very 
delightful  recruit  from  the  ranks  of  the  church,  SIGXOH  GITGLINI,  a 
tenor  of  an  admirable  character.  That  fascinating  little  personage, 
MADEMOISELLE  PICCOLOMISI,  is  again  present  with  all  her  enchant- 
ments, and  Mu.  LUHLEY,  whose  talent  for  discovering  the  stars  of  the 
ballet  rivals  the  skill  of  AIRY  or  ARAGO  in;  ransacking  the  firmament, 
has  introduced  to  you  a  most  charming  danteuse,  MADEMOISELLE 
POCHINI,  whose  achievements  leave  nothing  to  be  desired  except  that 
she  would  perform  them  over  again. 

"  1  regret  to  state  that  the  vulgar  selfishness  of  certain  dogs-in-the 
manger,  ordinarily  known  as  Renters,  has  excluded  MR.  GYE'S 
operatic  company  from  Drury  Lane  Theatre,  but  it  may  be  heard  in 
great  force  at  the  pretty  Lyceum,  where  my  illustrious  Sister,  the 
Queen  of  (Song,  reigns  iu  superb  health  and  unflagging  vigour,  sup- 
ported by  the  illustrious  MARIO,  Corvr.Di  C.VXDIA,  and  by  that 
consummate  tragedian,  SIGNOR  RONCONI. 

"My  meritorious  BALDWIN  BPCKSTOXK,  at  the  Haymarket 
Theatre,  oilers  to  such  of  you  as  possess  an  unvitiated  taste  for  the 
drama  a  series  of  plays  of  an  interesting  character,  with  highly 
entertaining  farces,  as  also  a  burlesque,  in  which  my  English  is 
i|naintl\  dealt  uith  by  the  ingenious  YKAXK  TALFOURD,  and  in  which 
ill  see  spirited  acting  and  elegant  appointments. 

"  I  specially  charge  and  command  each  and  every  of  you,  as 
you  value  jour  (L>t  K^N'S  good  opinion,  to  visit  MR.  WIGAN'S  theatre 
in  Wyeh  Street,  for  the  purpose  of  beholding  MR.  ROBSON'S  per- 
formance as  the  Miser.  Such  extraordinary  acting  has  not,  I  am 
informed  by  universal  voice,  been  witnessed  since  the  days  of 
MR.  EDMUND  KI:\N,  who,  I  am  further  informed,  never  displayed 
genius  surpassing  that  evinced  by  MR.  ROBSON  in  this  character. 
You  need  not  be  ashamed  of  the  tears  he  will  elicit,  as  they  will  result 
from  an  exercise  of  the  highest  Art,  and  as  you  will  find  the  entire 
audience  affected  in  common  with  yourselves. 

"  MR.  Cn  •,  KLIN  KEAX  has  placed  upon  the  stage  of  my  daughter's 
theatre  a  spectacle  in  which  the  life  of  a  byegone  age  is  reproduced 
before  you  ,1  ith  extraordinary  fidelity  and  splendour,  and  you  will  have 
the  additional  advantage  of  hearing,  in  the  course  of  the  spectacle, 
several  well-selected  passages  from  a  noble  tragedy  by  MR.  WILLIAM 
SHAKSPEAKE. 

"  At  the  Adelphi  Theatre,  you  will  find  that  MR.  BENJAMIN  WEBSTER 
continues  to  present  a  series  of  most  effective  dramas,  constructed 
upon  that  principle  of  intense  Interest  which  may  be  regarded  as  the 
element  of  legitimacy  at  his  establishment:  and  it  is  with  great 
pleasure  that  I  announce  to  you,  that  this  distinguished  actor,  who 
can  ill  be  spared  from  the  stage  (at  present  not  rich  in  art! 
and  re-appears  in  a  character  of  importance,  in  which  you  will  not 
fail  to  see  him. 


"My  trusty   Mu.   Mm  IIKI.I.  is  about  tore-open  the  St.  .1, 

with  a  celebrated  company  of  artists   from  the  capital  of  iny 
valued  ally,  the   KMVKKOK  of  THE  FKKNCII.     A  series  of  choice  ope- 
'<>  be  conducted  by  the  composer  l<)  the  Theatre  dcs  Bouffcs, 
ML.  Offenbach,  \\ill   In    ^iveii,  and  the  list  comprises  some  exc<  > 
charming  works. 

Id  wish  that  you  would  all  lake  an  opportunity  of  visiting  the 
only  theatre  where  the  works  of  MK.  \\ 

.     1  allude  :  jgemcnt  of  Mu.  6 

lingloii.     The  distance  is  trilling  to  those  who,  like  your- 
i-ehicular   conveyance,    and  »OU  Will  be 

amply  rewarded  in  witni  rdingly  lim  I'IIKLI-S, 

and  a  careful,  intelligent,  and  judicious  performance  bj 

Compa 

"I  should  deplore  your  omitting  to  delight  the  younger  branches  of 
your  families   by  indulging  them  with  an  occasional  visit    to  A 
Amphitheatre,  where  the  equ<  ,ndcr  the  direction 

of  MK.  '  \\ith  the  addition,  as  in 

the  exploits  of  Mis>  KMII.V(  others,  of  a  gracefulness  which 

commends  itself  to  the  cultivated  eye. 

"Having  thus  indicated  to  .  .dies  and  Girls,  how  you  may 

ly  dispose  of  the  time  while  my   Lords  and  Gentlemen  are 
MUCSS  which  1  hi  d  out  for  them,  it  only 

remains   for  me  to  expr  .ent,  howe\er 

il,  will  ne\  o  the  neglect  of  her 

more  elevated  and  ud  with  this  hint  to  w . 

a  series  of  exceedingly  plea- 


CK1NOLIXE    IN   THE   STUDIO. 

WE  believe  it:  is  no  secret  in  artisi  ic  circles -although  not  a  whisper 
of  it  ha-i  as  yet  been  dropped  in  jjrint,  thai  the  approaching  Exhibition 
of  the  Royal  Acadei  ness  to  the 

humanely-minded  members  of  the  Hanging  Committee  ;  the  space  at 
their  command  being  annually  the  same,  while  each  year  brings  new 
claims  to  it,  without  much  absence  of  the  old  ones,  the  task  of  its 
allotment  is  of  more  and  more  perplexity ;  and  the  proportion  of  por- 
traits is  of  such  alarming  increase,  that  the  labour  of  rejection  every 
spring  becomes  a  greater  one.  Moreover,  it  is  feared  that  from  the 
fashion  of  wide  dresses,  which  has  lately  been  persisted  in,  the 
"portraits  of  a  lady"  will  be  found  to  be  this  year  of  more  than 
common  magnitude;  and  as  nine-tenths  of  tliosj  sent  in  are  generally 
of  life-size,  the  Committee  have,  indeed,  ample  cause  for  apprehension. 
We  imagine  that  but  few  of  those  "  gay  beings  "  who  have  lately  sat 
in  Crinoline  to  have  their  portraits  taken  have  consented  to  be  shorn  of 
their  proportions  on  the  canvas ;  and  we  suspect  that  any  full-length, 
or,  what  is  more  important,  full-width  portrait,  would  be  found  to  take 
up  pretty  nearly  one  whole  side  of  any  of  the  three  large  rooms  of 
the  Academy.  So  that,  in  point  of  fact,  were  but  twelve  of  them 
admitted  there  would  be  -no  space  to  show  a  single  other  picture. 

As  this  would,  of  course,  be  too  preposterous  to  dream  of,  we  would 
suggest  to  the  Committee,  as  a  fit  solution  of  their  difficulty,  that  they 
had  better  not  attempt  to  make  any  selection,  but  should  exclude 
alike  all  portraits  from  Trafalgar  Square,  and  provide  them  elsewhere 
with  a  place  of  exhibition.  We  are  not  aware  precisely  how  many 
petticoats  will  now  go  to  the  acre,  but  by  roofing  in  LORD'S  Cricket 
Ground,  or  Kennington  Common,  there  might  perhaps  be  found 
expanse  sufficient  for  the  purpose  ;  and  as  no  one  ever  looks  at  por- 
traits, except,  of  course,  the  sitters  and  their  most  immediate  relations, 
their  removal  to  either  of  the  distances  we  speak  of,  would  produce  no 
inconvenience  to  the  general  public. 


Encores.— Putting  a  Case. 

"  IF  you  buy  a  chicken  at  the  poulterers,"  asks  APOLLO  PRIMS, 
"and  you  find  the  chicken  very  nice,  for  that  reason,  do  you  think  the 
poulterer  ought  to  make  you  a  present  of  a  second  chicken  for 
nothing  P  Can't  say  the  poulterer  ought."  "Very  well,"  makes 
answer  PRIMS,  very  triumphant^-.  "  When  you  come  to  Exeter  Hall 
market,  and  pay  your  money  for  one  nightingale,  have  you  a  right  to 
expect  a  second  nightingale  gratis,  because  the  first  was  so  very 
delicious  ?  "  __^ ^^ 

The  End  of  Controversy. 

DITCHER  versus  DENISON  ;  DEXLSOX  versus  DITCHER, 

Neither  plaintiff  nor  defendant 

In  this  case,  when  there 's  an  end  on't, 

Will  be  much  wiser,  or  much  richer. 


A  VEHICLE  FOR  FALSEHOOD.— The  late  puffs  about  the  Saloon 
Omnibus.    For  where  is  it  ? 


178 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  2,  1857. 


TERRIBLE  APPARITION  ! ! ! 

SEEN  IN   FKOHT  OF  THE  JUNIOR   UNITED  SERVICE  CLUB. 


THE    SOCIAL    TREAD-MILL. 

No.  1. 

"  No,  Mr.  Punch,  I  can  bear  it  no  longer !  I  have  suffered  so  much — 
I  see  so  many  around  me  suffering  like  myself.  Whenever  I  broach 
the  subject,  I  find  such  a  store  of  smouldering  discontent,  that 
I  feel  certain,  if  I  do  not  find  a  weekly  vent-hole  in  your  columns,  we 
shall  have  a  frightful  catastrophe  some  day,  Yes,  Sir,  Society  is  like 
JAMES  THE  FIRST'S  Parliament-House.  It  is  undermined ;  there  are 
gunpowder-barrels  piled,  and  faggots  stacked ;  all  that  .is  wanted  is  a 
GUY  FAWKES  with  his  lantern  and  brimstone-matches.  I  propose  to 
bring  out  the  powder,  barrel  by  barrel, — to  unstack  the  faggots,  and 
separate  the  sticks.  Then  we  may  safely  use  the  one  in  bringing 
down  our  game  in  a  sportsmanlike  fashion,  and  the  other  in  roasting 
scientifically  what  otherwise,  sooner  or  later,  must  have  been  bar- 
barously blown  up.  Excuse  this  excited  and  figurative  introduction  of 
my  subject.  Strong  feelings,  long  pent  up,  cannot  be  discharged 
without  considerable  recoil  and  concussion.  If  I  am  flurried,  consider 
that  the  silent  sufferings  of  thousands  are  about  to  find  a  mouth- 
piece in  me.  I  labour,  like  the  Pythoness,  because,  like  her,  I  am 
about  to  be  oracular. 

"A  reference  to  the  title  of  this  paper  will  indicate  the  motive  of  this 
somewhat  incoherent  preface. 

"Sir,  I  am  a  married  man — a  householder  of  the  middle  class — nearer, 
perhaps,  to  its  upper  than  its  under  stratum— living  in  London,  dis- 
charging, I  can  honestly  say,  my  duty  to  my  family,  to  the  utmost  of 
my  power,  and  paying  rates  and  taxes  with  a  punctuality  which  quite 
affects  the  tax-gatherer  and  rate-collector  of  my  district. 

"  My  wife  is  an  excellent  woman,  not  less  anxious  to  do  her  duty  in 
her  sphere  than  I  will  make  bold  to  say  I  am  in  mine.  Our  children 
are  healthy  and  promising,  our  circumstances  unembarrassed,  our 
tempers  even,  our  income  sufficient  for  our  wants,  and  our  expect- 
ations, on  both  sides,  by  no  means  to  be  sneezed  at. 

"And  yet  I  am  a  sufferer— a  sufferer  in  so  many  ways,  that  I  hardly 
know  with  which  kind  of  suffering  to  begin  this  out-pouring. 

"  SlR,  I  AM  ONE  OF  THE  MILLIONS  CONDEMNED,  FOE  NO  CRIME, 
TO  THE  SOCIAL  TREAD-MILL! 

"  The  Tread-mill !  Why  not  the  crank,  the  pillory,  the  press,  the 
rack,  the  thumbscrew,  the  scavenger's  daughter—'  Little-ease '  itself  ? 
I  mean  to  express,  by  whatever  image  our  suffering  may  best  be 
described,  that  I  am  one  of  the  millions  struggling  with  a  host  of 


oppressive,  costly,  body-and-soul-crushing,  social  usages,  which  we 
have  been  thrust  into  somehow  or  other,  and  find  ourselves  groaning 
under,  without  any  offence  of  our  own.  Most  suffer  in  silence.  I 
have  long  suffered  so,  At  last  I  have  determined  to  speak — and  I 
know  that  thousands  and  tens  of  thousands  will  bless  my  cour- 
ageous pen. 

"Where  shall  I  begin? 

"I  might  take  my  stand  on  this  side  the  verv  threshold  of  married 
life — -at  the  Wedding  itself,  with  its  absurd  and  costly  paraphernalia 
of  bridesmaids,  and  lloniton  lace,  and  Glace  bonnets,  and  orange- 
flower  wreaths,  and  best  French  gloves  at  3s.  9d.  a  pair.  But  many 
may  think  any  complaint  of  that  part  of  the  ceremony  transacted  in 
church  indecorous.  Though  why  people  should  not  go  quietly  to 
church,  with  two  or  three  of  their  best  friends,  male  and  female, 
neatly  and  chastely  dressed,  and  there— stripping  off  as  much  as  may 
be  of  our  tailorings,  and  getting  down  as  well  as  we  can  from  our 
social  stilts — kneel  humbly  to  take  upon  them  those  life-long  vows — 
the  crown  of  manhood  and  womanhood — I,  for  one,  never  could  see. 

"  There  is  a  demand  for  simplicity  in  funerals ;  why  not  in  mar- 
riages ?  We  are  not  more  equal  oeside  the  grave  than  before  the  altar. 
The  parson  who  consigns  dust  to  dust,  and  the  parson  who  joins  man 
and  wife  together,  equally  consecrate  a  common  lot  of  humanity. 

"I  protest  against  the  vanity  and  ostentation  which  wait  upon  us, 
on  our  entrance  into  wedlock — the  hired  broughams,  and  the  wedding- 
favours,  and  the  fashionable  church,  and  the  team  of  parsons — the  gor- 
geousness  of  the  bride  and  the  bridesmaids — the  glossy  newness  of  the 
wretched  bridegroom.  It 's  all  wrong.  How  dare  we  set  about  what 
should  be  the  most  serious  and  awful  act  of  our  lives — I  protest  there 


.to- 
better  to  approach  the  altar  with  seriousness  at  least,  if  not  with  some 
sadness ;  above  all,  we  should  utterly  repudiate  that  pretentious  show, 
above  our  means  and  unbefitting  our  stations,  with  which  most  of  us. 
flaunt  and  swagger  into  holy  matrimony. 

"Sir,  when  I  was  married,  I  was  a  bolder  man  than  I  am  now.  The 
social  irons  had  not  entered  into  my  soul.  I  protested  then,  as  I  do 
now,  against  the  cost  and  display  and  uncomfortable  splendour  of  the 
marriage  ceremony.  But  I  did  more.  I  carried  my  protest  into  act. 
My  wife  had  been  peculiarly  brought  up,  and  luckily,  thought  as  I  did. 
Her  Mamma,  and  all  her  relations,  I  am  thankful  to  say.  were  at  a 
distance.  Mine  were  eccentric  people.  We  were  married  quietly  at 
Kensington  Church.  We  had  only  one  brougham,  which  was  not 
hired— but  a  friend's.  My  wife  and  three  of  my  dearest  women-friends 
(they  have  been  my  wife's  best  friends  ever  since)  went  in  the  brougham, 
^followed  in  a  cab,  with  two  of  my  man-friends.  My  wife  wore  a 
French  grey  chalis  dress,  and  a  pretty  little  straw  bonnet  witli  white 
ribbons.  1  had  on  the  blue  coat  which  I  had  mounted  a  year  before 
for  my  friend  BLAZER'S  marriage— BLAZER  did  the  thing  handsomely; 
was  turned  off  at  St.  James's,  with  coaches,  favours,  bridesmaids,  glace 
bonnets,  Honiton  lace,  orange  flowers,  best  French  gloves,  mother-in- 
law,— in  short,  with  all  the  obligate  accompaniments.  It  was  only 
by  the  passionate  persuasion  of  the  friend  who  acted  '  Father '  on  the 
occasion— he  was  married,  and  a  miserable  grinder  on  the  social  mill 
already— that  I  was  induced  to  purchase  a  pair  of  white  gloves,  which 
I  did  at  the  haberdasher's  nearest  the  church. 

_"  So  we  were  married.  It  was  cheap— it  was  snug— it  was  of  a  piece 
with  our  daily  existence.  We  did  not  roll  into  wedded  life  on  a  grand 
triumphal  chariot,  with  eight  horses,  to  come  down  to  a  tax-cart 
immediately  after.  We  began  our  journey,  DARBY  and  JOAN  fashion, 
in  the  tax-cart.  Would  that  I  could  always  be  allowed  to  tool  that 
humble  but  easy-hung  vehicle  !  But  alas,  the  gig  of  respectability  is 
every  now  and  then  driven  to  the  door,  and  one  must  mount,  under 
beavy  penalties,  leaving  the  cozy  old  tax-cart  in  the  stable-yard.  But 
the  gig  of  respectability  is  bearable.  Not  so  that  terrible,  black,  dreary, 
stifling  prison-van— with  '  Society '  painted  in  blazing  capitals  on  the 
panels.  Against  compulsory  riding  in  that  odious  vehicle,  I  mean 
to  protest  as  vehemently  as  you  will  permit  me.  To  that  end  I  send  you 
;his  groan,  the  forerunner  of  many  more,  should  this  awake  an 
echo.  I  doubt  not  it  will  awake  thousands,  on  the  part  of  those  who 
would  be  but  too  ready  to  sign  themselves  as  I  do, 

"A  SUFFERER." 

"P.S.  I  have  not  yet  done  with  the  penal  accompaniments  of  wed- 
.ock.  I  have  much  to  say  on  the  subject  of  wedding  breakfasts,  but 
they  deserve  an  extra  groan  to  themselves." 


Oude  Among  the  Shoe-Blacks. 

THE  QUEEN  OP  OUDE  and  the  Princes  have  given  £10  to  the  East 
London  Shoe-Black  brigade.  This  donation,  it  is  said,  was  made  by 
our  Eastern  visitors  in  recollection  of  what  His  Majesty  of  Oude  had 
obtained  of  the  East  India  Company:  they  having  fiist  blackened 
him  so  thickly  before  they  finally  polished  him  off. 


MAY 


.iJlI,    OR   THE    LONDON'  CHARIVARI. 


179 


SOUTHWARK    AND    THE    BALTIC. 

N'l'MHKIl  of   enthusiast-, 
of    tin-  classic  I; 
of      Sonthwaik      have 
liven      Sill     (,'n 
\\rinn  a  dinner, 
said    the    <•!; 
these    innocent     crea- 
tures, "  Si 

i  their 
opinion  th.- 

••ainst 

lie\c  them."  Beautiful 
ii  f :  suM.-i! 

siiid, 
elect i r 

are  a  set  of  bd 
•  fail  Ii  it,  i 

>LT    Ills 
s  sharp,  had  the 

I 
very  sensih 

'lion  of  the 
war.  eu  are 

found  to  ha 
wizards,    why    should 
there  not  be  believers 
even  in  Sill  Ci! 
NAP  1 1 

Siu  CHARLES,  of 
course,  returned"  hanks 
after  his  own  way.  He 
had  been  ' 
before  a  Southwark 
constituency.  On  his 

tee  "he  obtained  ry,  without,  lirin?  a  shot."     It  was  otherwise  in 

the  Baltic.  There,  also,  he  had  fired  no  shot :  and,  doubtless  for  such  reason,  had  won  no 
victory ;  but,  this  residt,  as  it  would  appear,  made  no  difference  to  the  idolaters  of  Southwark. 
Doubtless,  had  a  NELSON  come  among  them  with  Trafalgar  in  his  chaplet,  he  would  ha\e 
been  considered  ineligible  by  the  circumstance.  To  some  folks  there  is  no  such  recom- 
mendation as  noisy,  {Off-headed  imbecility. 
A  congratulatory  address  "elegantly  engrossed  on  parchment"  was  presented  to  the 


•In  1 1  Member;  and  the  eliairnian«SSUred 
•  I   done  themselves 
great  credit,  and  had  conferred  great   Ii 

dit  was   in  their  choice;  the  honour  in 

Mich  in- 
telliirenc  ,  loped  by  a   Nmth- 

Sn;    ' 

warning.     Should  I hc>  his  services 

ould    not 
•ne  sllflling."      No  ;   he  v,"ind    en: 

irratis.  or  he  would   remain   in  private 
life.     "  I  : 

not"— thus  ran  9ix  Cn  reat— "  I  will 

hat  oil',  and  wish  jon  all  f(X 

ce  is,  we 

1  iiAKLE.s  will  look  admirably  uell 
with  his  hat  off;  and  for  the  borough  of  South- 
wark he  can  nuke  no  more  vale  nice, 
than  by  saying—"  good  moi 


TilK  SWAN  OF 


,   A  (ioosK. 


A  Miss  DELIA  BACON  has  written  a  book, 
entitled,  The  Philosophy  of  ihe  Plays  of  S  i  i  A  K  s- 
n:\iti:  1'iii'nlili'il.  That  philosophy,  as  unfolded 
by  Miss  lUcox,  !  to  be  not  SIIAKS- 

at    all,    but.  to  lielor  i  KIM,  to 

Mis-.    lUnis's  names;;1,!'   of   \cnilam    and  the 
••>oii,  and  to  o.hers  than  the  divine 
WILLIAMS.    Miss  '  better  fold  SHAKS- 

PEAKK'S  pages  thai,  o  unfold  his  philo- 

sophy ;  she  is  evide  to  read  him,  and 

slundd  shut  him  up.  Let  her  henceforlh  confine 
herself  to  the  unfolding  of  table  cloths  and  other 
linen  matters  more  fit  to  be  unfolded  by  femi- 
nine powers  than  those  sheets  which  contain  the 
philosophy  of  IRE. 


A   GRAVE   OPEttAriON. 

A  NEW  Company  advertises  "Washing  in 
Earnest."  As  if  any  washing  could  be  so 
serious  a  matter  as  that  which  constitutes  an 
adjunct  to  domestic  happiness. 


A  NEW   HANDEL   SENSATION. 

A  ( '  i  I;T  ux  man  was  bom  in  lfiS4,  and  died  in  1759. 

hose  dates  he  achieved  ceitaiu  things,  whereof  the  world 
ver  so  nobly  as  it  will  hear  of  three  of  them  in  the 
Crystal   Palace  in  June  next. 

The  man  was  (<EOHGE  F.  llANDEi,  and  the  three  works  in  question 

:  ios  of  The  Messiah,  Israel  in  Egypt,  and  Judas  Maccabceiis. 

During  the  last  ninety-eight  years  a  good  deal  has  been  said  about 

s  in  musical  art,  and,  decidedly,  it  is  somewhat  late  to 

:  hem.    Happily,  one  may  now  be  permitted  to  listen  in  reverent 

ion,  not  unmixed  with  awe,  as  those  giant  utterances  are  gjven 

forth.      No  one  is  even  called  upon  for  eloquent  description  of  the 

sensations  he  felt,  or  would  be  thought  to  have  felt,  when  carried  away 

in  the  surging  and  whirling  waves  of  the  Handelian  music.    This  is  a 

great  comfort. 

Possibly  no  such  a  series  of  glorious  sensations  has  been  permitted 
to  a  multitude  for  the  last  thousand  years,  as  a  multitude,  in  the 
right  mind,  may  experience  on  the  three  1 1  AX  DEL  days,  now  coming. 

One  seusa1  ion.  liowever— not  exactly  glorious — may  be  felt  by 
thousands.  We  mean  the  sensation  of  gratitude  for  an  escape. 

Take  a  minute  between  the  grand  acts— take  an  instant  when  .the 
colossal  harmony  is  a  thing  of  the  past,  and  let  this  thought 
through  your  brain: 

This  giant,  this  poet,  this  magician,  this — what  signifies  tautology — 
this  HAXDKL — 

"  H'tt.i  iiitt'i'leilf&r  a  Lawyer,  6u( — " 
Tin 

econd  thoughts.  No.  Take  breath,  and  do  not  take  that 
thought,  with  you  into  the  Crystal  I'alaee.  Do  not  mar  the  magnifi- 
cent pleasures  of  the  three  days  by  a  recollection  which  has  too  much 
of  grotesque  terror  in  it  to  be  quite  in  place.  But  think  over  the  fact 
in  the  mean  lime— at  other  times. 

The  man  who  composed  The  Messiah  might  have  been  a  Lawyer  ! 
Will  there  be  any  Lawyers  in  the  I'alaee  on  tho-e  days?    Doubtless, 


for  where 's  that  palace,  be  it  ne'er  so  wide — and  so  forth.  And  where 
— at  least  where  on  earth  and  below  it-^-do  they  not  go  ? 

Will  they  have  a  sensation  ?  And  will  it  be  like  the  sensation  felt 
by  the  earth-horn  horses  when,  Pegasus,  for  a  moment  harnessed  to  the 
manure-cart,  burst  his  bonds,  spread  his  wings,  and  flew  upwards  to 
the  Sun.  The  other  horses,  being  at  the  work  that  was  fit  for  them, 
started,  snorted— and  pulled  away  at  the  manure-cart. 

HANDEL  might  have  been  a  Lawyer !  Never  forget  this  when 
tempted  to  ungrateful  thoughts  touching  destiny. 


TRICLIMI  VM 


McrxvMr.vrs.— We  are  told  that  every  man  should  leave  some 
monument  behind  him ;  but  really  after  looking  at  the  wretched  stuck- 
up  things  called  monuments,  that  are  dotted  about  London,  we  must 

say  that  we  see  but  very  little  encouragement  for  it;  on  the  contrary, 
N\C  rather  admire  ilie  man  who,  as  monuments  go,  leaves  no  monument 
behind  him. 


180 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  2,  1857. 


i 


ROYAL  NURSERY  RHYMES. 

SATS  PRINCE  ALBERT,  on  Tuesday, 
"  I  've  come  to  tell  news  t'  ye. 
There 's  a  new  Baby.    Guess !  " 
'•  Girl,  Pa,"  cries  the  PRINCESS 
"  To  make  up  for  the  bride" 
Adds  sly  WALES,  half  aside 
"  Let 's  light  up  the  Palace, 
Says  light-hearted  ALICE  ; 
"  I  '11  teach  her  spellin'  or 
French,"  says  grave  HELENA  ; 
"  I  '11  never  tease  her," 
Says  laughing  LOUISA  ; 
"  I  '11  nurse  her,  rather," 
Says  gallant  young  ARTHUR  ; 
"  And  Me  too,  me  hope  hold 
Um  baby,"  says  LEOPOLD; 
"  Who  '11  write  and  tell  AL  ? " 
Says  PRINCE  ALBERT,  "  I  shall." 

Then  they  all  began  shouting,  for,  coming  to  lunch 
And  caudle,  they  saw  their  best  friend,  Mr.  Punch. 


DIGNITY  AND  IMPUDENCE. 

Hector.  "Now,  THEN,  YOUNG  FELLER — WHO  ARE  YOU  STARING  AT?" 
Hodge.  "WHOT  SHOULDN'T  I  STARE  AT  YER?    /  PAYS  FOR  YBR!" 


THE  MOTHER  OF  THE  REGIMENT. 

La  Figlia  del  Reggimento  is  just  at  present  attracting- 
some  attention,  which  might  be  likewise  as  well  bestowed 
on  La  Madre.  Poor  old  MRS.  SEACOLE  is  hard-up.  Now 
MRS.  SEACOLE  was  a  real  suttler-woman  in  the  Crimea ; 
and  a  mother  and  a  nurse  to  the  wounded  soldier.  She 
did  not  skip  and  amble  about  in  the  costume  of  a  military 
Bloomer  ;  but  she  often  marched  under  fire,  distributing 
refreshments  and  restoratives  among  the  wounded,  and 
dressing  their  injuries  with  her  own  hands.  She  also  used 
to  doctor  the  navvies  and  the  Laud  Transport  Corps,  and 
her  practice  in  cases  of  camp-disease  \vas  highly  success- 
ful. The  Opera  of  MRS.  SEACOLE,  la  Madre  del  Reggimento, 
consisted  in  these  good  works.  It  will  suffice  to  add  that 
a  fund— which  is  described  as  yet  in  its  infancy— has  been 
got  up  for  her  benefit. 


QUERY  ON   MILITARY    EDUCATION. 

OUT  of  100  Candidates  for  a  Commission  in  the  Army, 
how  do  99  generally  spell  aide-de-camp  ? 


LEGITIMATE  INDIGNATION. 

MR.  ROWLAND  HILL  reports,  with  satisfaction,  that  the  Initial 
system,  by  which  the  delivery  of  London  letters  is  to  be  so  greatly 
facilitated,  has  been  all  but  completely  adopted  by  the  public,  arid  that 
55,000  Metropolitan  letters  are  daily  posted  with  the  proper  initials. 
Tliis  gratifying  result  he  mainly  attributes  to  Mr.  Punch,  who  refuses 
:  to  take  in  any  letter  addressed  to  himself,  unless  it  has  the  essential 
E.G.  upon  it.  Mr.  PnncA  has  some  notion  that  among  the  epistles  he 
has  rejected  for  want  of  these  letters  was  one  from  LORD  PALMERSTON 
(who  should  have  been  more  careful)  asking  him  to  accept  a  Baronetcy. 
If  so,  Mr.  P.  begs  to  express  his  indignation  that  what  was  pressed  on 
a  W.  WILLIAMS  and  given  to  a  LOCOCK,  should  be  offered  to  Him. 
He  is  neither  a  Nass  nor  a  Naccoueheur.  Has  PAM'S  brilliant  suc- 
cess turned  his  head  ?  If  so  the  sooner  he  begins  to  right  about  face, 
and  ceases  to  write  about  folly,  the  better. 


A  BRITISH  WELCOME  FOR  BOMBA. 

WHERE  does  KING  BOMBA  expect  to  go  to  ?  MIVART'S  has  been 
suggested  as  an  asylum  for  the  exrfected  Royal  refugee  ;  but  if  Naples 
is  getting  too  hot  to  hold  him,  England  has  become  so  already.  MR. 
JOHN  BULL  is  not  very  particular  about  his  guests,  but  MR.  BULL 
cannot  extend  his  hospitality  to  torturers;  and  if  the  modem 
TIBERIUS  should  repair  to  this  country,  he  will  find  it  as  necessary 
to  shut  himself  up  as  he  does  in  his  own.  Shut  up  indeed  he  would 
probably  be  by  medical  order,  and  not  merely  because  it  would  be 
unsafe  tor  himself  personally  if  he  were  allowed  to  go  about.  In  one 
sense  only  can  the  mad  tyrant  hope  that  England  will  afford  him  an 
asylum. 

THE  RISE  AND  FALL  OP  A  SUCCESSFUL  FOOL.— He  shot  up  like  a 
Balloon,  and  came  down  like  a  monkey  in  a  parachute  l—Cremorue 
froearb. 


THE  SCHOOLMASTER  IN  THE  CITY. 

MR.  ALDERMAN  ROSE  asked  the  Common  Council  to  assist,  by  a 
grant  of  money,  in  the  purchase  of  Crosby  Hall  for  educational  pur- 
poses. This  matter,  put  in  the  shape  of  a  motion,  was  defeated  by  an 
amendment,  seconded  by  the  severe  MR.  H.  L.  TAYLOR;  of 
whom,  said  DEPUTY  LOTT,  it  would  be  as  well  to  expect  moustachios 
on  the  face  of  the  ARCHBISHOP  OF  CANTERBURY,  as  a  charitable  smile 
on  the  countenance  of  MR.  H.  L.  TAYLOR.  We  think  there  is  less 
difficulty  with  the  Archbishop.  His  Grace,  if  it  so  pleased  him,  might 
grow  moustachios ;  but  by  what  hitherto  unknown  process  is  MR.  H.  L. 
TAYLOR  to  obtain  even  a  look  of  charity  ?  And  it  is  right  it  should  be 
When  charity  begins  at  home,  why  should  a  careful  citizen  insist 

nrmtrlllCr      if      nVllVWlfl      Tiri'tll      VIITY*   P          f^Knwifir       lilrn    i-liA    nnl,-n_        ~l,-,.-lJ 


so. 


upon  bringing  it  abroad  with  him? 
remain  at  the  fireside. 


Charity,  like  the  poker,  should 


BUCKNALL  AND  THE  BABY. 

ON  Thursday  a  Court  of  Common  Council  was  held  to  consider  the 
pleasing  fact  of  the  birth  of  a  Princess.  Common  Councilman  BUCK- 
NALL was  eloquent,  impressive,  and  truthful.  Hence,  he  said— 

"  I  am  convinced  that,  however  much  any  member  of  the  Court  may  feel  interested 
in  the  birth  of  a  child  by  a  member  itfhis  own  family,  or  by  one  with  whom  he  is 
connected  by  ties  of  duty  and  affection,  ho  must  feel  an  equal  interest  in  the  birth  of 
a  Princess  by  our  glorious  and  gracious  QUEKN." 

Hence,  the  Royal  family  is,  in  fact,  only  an  extension  of  BUCKNALL'S 
family  circle,  and  the  PRINCE  OF  WALES  and  the  PRINCESS  ROYAL 
hold  precisely  the  same  place  in  the  heart  of  the  speaker  as  ALBERT 
EDWARD  BUCKNALL  and  VICTORIA  ADELAIDE  MARIA  LOUISA  BUCK- 
NALL. Beautilul  is  loyalty,  when  deepened  by  such  truth ! 


MODERATION  IN  ALL  THINGS.— A  tremendous  talker  is  like  a  greedy 
cater  at  an  ordinary,  keeping  to  himself  an  entire  dish  of  which  every 
one  present  would  like  to  have  partaken 


Primed  bj  WilH.in 
Printen,  at  tl 
London-Sir 


i  Citj  or 


MAY  9,  1857.] 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


181 


THE    SOCIAL    TREAD-MILL. 

No.  2. 


"  MK.  PUNCH, 

"  I  PROMISED  to  devote  an  entire  letter  to  Wedding-Break  - 
fasts.  It  is  not  so  much  that  these  entertainments  are  more  dreary 
than  the  rest  of  the  table  ceremonies,  under  which  society  suffers.  On 
the  contrary,  except  for  the  plague  of  speechifying,  they  would  be 
rather  jollier  than  most  of  our  social  gatherings :  but  the  wedding- 
breakfast  stands  in  the  front-rank  of  the  married  man's  experiences. 
It,  is  like  those  rites  which  used  to  come  first  in  the  initiation 
of  a  novice  into  the  ancient  mysteries,  or  the  secret-societies  of  the 
middle-ages,  in  which  the  greenhorn  was  made  to  run  the  gauntlet 
of  the  most  hideous  hobgoblins,  and  the  most  startling  surprises.  Such 
an  introduction  was  supposed  at  once  to  caseharden  the  candidate's 
nerves,  and  to  test  his  courage.  On  the  same  principle  one  may 
suppose  the  newly-married  man  is  exposed  to  the  green-grocerism, 
the  Gunterism^  the  champagne-fired  enthusiasm  and  speechification, 
ile  and  threadbare  pleasantries,  the  mock  sentiment,  and 
pinchbeck  cordiality  of  the  wedding-breakfast.  It  is  a  quintessence, 
as  it  were,  of  what  he  will  have  to  go  through  in  the  future,  in  the 
wav  of  costly  and  pretentious  entertainment,  affected  good  fellowship, 
and  hollow  gaiety.  If  he  can  stand  those  awful  waiters — the  array, 
of  those  long  tables,  with  their  spun-sugar  bird-cages,  and  plaster- 
of-Paris  temples— their  profusion  of  highly-decorated  pastry,  forced 
lace  tongues,  insipid  chickens,  chilly  galantines,  and  ice- 
creams; if  he  is  not  sickened  with  the  speeches,  and  does  not  loathe 
champagne  for  ever  after,  he  may  be  safely  pronounced  fit  for  the  inner 
rites  of  the  married  life  of  society. 

"  But  the  performances  in  the  mysteries  will  be  found,  on  the  whole, 
duller  than  those  of  the  initiation.  The  bead  still  dances  in  the 
champagne  of  wedding-breakfasts.  The  liquor  handed  round  at  the 
dinners,  and  breakfasts  and  suppers,  of  which  that  is  the  prelude,  will 
be  found  flat,  insipid — dead  as  ditch-water.  I  always  feel  that  there 
is  something  significant  in  the  general  chilliness  of  the  viands  at  a 
wedding-breakfast.  You  detect  a  gelatinous  character  about  the  feast. 
Your  fun,  like  your  fruit,  is  forced.  The  very  wedding-cake  has  its 
emblematic  icing — for  so,  I  believe,  the  highly  decorated  crust, 
apparently  compounded  of  sweetened  gypsum  and  prussie-acid,  is 
styled  by  the  confectioners.  There  is  good  fruit  and  aromatic  spice 
under  that  most  indigestible  and  snowy  covering,  whereof  none 
can  eat  and  live !  What  a  good  and  sweet,  and  sustaining  thing 
marriage  is  in  itself.  Why  do  we  invest  it  with  icing  ?  Why  hide  its 
sweetness  and  its  spices-  its  mixture  of  currants  and  lemon-peel,  and 
its  substratum  of  honest  flour, — under  a  hard  shell  of  frosty  ceremonial, 
flourished  all  over  with  shallow  devices  in  confectioner's  taste  ?  Why 
do  we  all  put  our  necks  under  the  heel  of  GUNTER  ?  Why  allow  pur 
simple  pleasures  to  be  dashed  by  the  awful  presence  of  those  white- 
cravatted  waiters — Eumenides  of  the  chair-back,  each  shadowing 
forth  the  Nemesis  of  the  bill  to  pay  ? 

"  But  worse  than  the  cold  breakfast  are  the  speeches.  Which  of  us 
has  not  groaned  under  this  infliction  ?  So  far  as  I  know,  every  one 


admits  that,  these  wedding-breakfast  orations  arc  an  intolerable 
nuisance.  I  don't  know  which  of  the  prevailing  styles  of  tins  class  of 
union  is  worse,  the  pathetic  or  the  jocose,  or  the  floundering, 
which  aims  at  a  combination  of  grave  and  gay,  and  comes  to  grief 
between  the  two.  There  is  that  dreadful  friend  of  (lie  family,  who 
proposes  tin-  health  of  tin:  vouiig  couple.  Why  can't  he  be  content  to 
no  it  limply,  to  utter  in  six  vvonU  of  hones)  meaning  a  hearty  v.  i.-h  that 
happiness  may  attend  them — that,  God  may  !>]<••--  their  union:  Kvery 

1  appealed  to,  must  admit  v 'an't  <ret  bevoud  that.     No   person 

— one  would  suppose- -who  really  felt  a  genuine  regard  for  the  pair 
— or  for  either  of  them— would  \vH,  at  such  a  time  to  attempt  more 
than  a  brief  and  fervent  blessing. 

"1<:  here  is  a  veil-meaning  Briton— no  fool,  probably,  in  his 
;iot  a  reCOgnued  bore  in  common  life—  not  an  open  and  m>- 
lorioiis  humbug,  In  puerile,  anil  impost. ir  —  who  gels  up  to  propose  the 
health  of  the  newly-married  couple,  or  the  health  of  their  respective 
Papas  and  Mammas;  anil  in  so  doing,  maunders  foraquarter  of  an  hour 
in  a  style  that  blends  folk,  t  .anil  insincerity,  till  v<m  blush 
for  the  man  as  you  sit.  My  renders  m  Served — 1  often  ha\e 
— the  expression  of  pain  and  shame  on  I  lie  <  ofthelistel 
to  a  discourse  of  this  class.  1  always  long  to  hide  my  Tare  while  one 
se  melancholy  exhibitions  is  in  progress.  I  believe,  from  com- 
paring notes  with  others,  that,  this  feeling  is  very  eo on. 

"But  worse  even  than  this — the  heavy  business  of  the  \veddiii;- 
brcakfast— is  its  light  comedy,  the  hide-bound  pleasantry  of  the  gentle- 
man who  rises  to  propose  'the  bridesmaids',  and  similar  provocative 
toasts,  in  what  the  reporters  call  'a  highly  humorous  speech.' 

"  Of  the  many  forms  of  social  suffering  I  know  of  none  worse  than 
sitting  under  one.  of  these  douches  of  wedding-breakfast  jocose n 
Not  one  Briton  in  a  thousand  can  be  playful  on  his  legs — above  all 
not  playful  extempore.  He  mast  be  common-place— must  stand  in  the 
old  JOE  MILLER  ways — must  trot  out  the  battered  old  hack  pleasan- 
tries, or  he  is  lost.  So  long  as  the  man  is  humble  minded  enough  not 
to  attempt  anything  new,  one  submits  with  a  certain  equanimity. 
The  mind  is  subdued  to  familiar  forms  of  suffering.  But  the  infliction 
becomes  terrible,  when  the  speaker  is  ambitious  enough  to  attempt 
anything  original.  Fear  is  then  added  to  the  listeners'  other  suf- 
ferings. There  is  the  constant  dread  of  a  fall — of  the  poor  fellow's 
being  entangled  and  tripped  up  in  one  of  his  own  complicated  meta 
phprs — of  his  staking  himself  on  one  of  his  own  jokes — not  that  the 
point  would  pierce  very  deep— of  his  coming  down  with  a  crash  in  one 
of  his  oratorical  flip-flaps.  Dp  not  tell  me  there  can  be  any  pleasure  in 
a  performance,  at  the  conclusion  of  which  every  one  vents  a  pent-up 
breath  of  thankful  relief — which  is  watched  as  one  watches  the  tottering 
steps  of  an  unskilful  tight-rope  dancer,  in  a  'terrific  ascent.'  The 
audience  can  no  more  relish  the  jokes  of  the  wedding-breakfast  orator 
than  the  spectator  enjoy  the  squibs  and  crackers  let  off  round  the 
performer  m  one  of  these  break-neck  exhibitions  at  Cremornc  or 
Vauxhall. 

"  This  social  nuisance  of  wedding-breakfasts  has  lately  had  a  colossal 
illustration,  which  I  have  been  surprised  to  find  has  received  no  notice 
from  Mr.  Punch.  I  allude  to  that  gorgeous  Judaic  family  ceremonial 
at  Gunnersbury,  in  which  God  Hymen  and  God  Mammon  were  equally 
honoured,  where,  to  judge  from  the  newspapers,  the  altar  must  have 
been  of  solid  gold,  the  nuptial  torches  of  precious  woods  steeped  in 
the  rarest  spices,  the  bridal  couch  stuffed  with  bank-notes,  and  the 
liquor,  in  which  the  health  of  the  young  couple  was  pledged,  nothing 
less  than  avmm-potabile.  Even  here  I  observed  that  the  nuisances  I  am 
complaining  of  were  duly  submitted  to.  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL  did  the 
heavy  business,  and  MR.  BERNAL  OSBORNE  the  light  comedy.  The 
state  of  the  thing  was  grand,  befitting  what  LORD  JOHN  described  as 
'  a  union  between  two  members  of  the  most  powerful  family  of  Europe,' 
but  no  act  of  the  social  penance  was  wanting. 

"  As  to  the  gold  and  gems,  the  pearls  and  diamonds  that  flashed  and 
shone  through  the  luxuriant  paragraphs  of  JENKINS,  in  describing  that 
marriage,  I  felt  for  once  that  such  display  was  not  out  of  place.  There 
was  something  grand  in  the  Oriental  magnificence — the  insolent  splen- 
dour—the parade  of  'money-power.'  Dukes  and  Lords,  and  Prime 
Ministers  and  Secretaries  of  State,were  summoned  to  bow  down  before 
the  Golden  Image  that  ROTHSCHILD  the  king  had  set  up ;  and  they 
came  and  bowed  dutifully,  and  did  public  suit  and  service  to  the 
'  Almighty  Dollar.'  Mammon  really  kept  royal  state  at  Gunners- 
bury  Park  that  morning.  Let  us  hope  that  poor  little  Hymen  was  not 
smothered  under  his  robes  of  cloth  of  gold ;  that  the  fair  young  bride 
may  not  find  herself,  like  TARPEIA.  crushed  beneath  her  gifts— those 
armlets  and  necklaces,  and  jewelled  parasols,  and  gem-encrusted 
writing-cases,  and  services  of  gold  and  services  of  silver — which  so 
bewildered  and  bedazzled  us  'outer  barbarians'  even  upon  paper; 
that  there  may  be  no  danger  for  her  and  her  husband,  of  the  fate  of 
MIDAS,  who,  having  the  power  of  turning  all  things  to  gold,  starved 
for  want  of  bread. 

"On  us  humbler  labourers  at  the  social  crank  that  Gunnersbury 
wedding  works  somewhat  as  the  apparition  of  a  PALSLEK  or  a  WAINK- 
WTIIGHT— a  REDPATII  or  a  ROBSON— might  tell  upon  our  brother 


VOL.   XXXII. 


182 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAT  9,  1857. 


convicts  at  the  House  of  Correction.  It  is  the  impersonation,  oil  a 
colossal  scale,  of  our  own  aims  and  efforts— the  audacious  realisation  oi 
our  humble  possibilities.  We  thrill  with  awe— we  long  to  bow  down 
and  worship  This  anonymous  God  of  Society  is,  atter  all,  no  other 
than  our  old  friend  Mammott,  let  him  disguise  himself  as  he  will.  We 
see  him  on  his  throne  at  Gunnersbury,  among  the  Mosaic  millionnaires. 
Thev  sacrifice  to  him  with  the  same  rites  as  ourselves,  only  with  in- 
finitely more  cost  and  magnificence.  They  are  slaves,  as  we  are,  but 
they  wear  more  gorgeous  liveries.  They  too  were  working  at  their 
social  tread-mill,  though  the  steps  of  the  machine  were  of  nne  gold, 
and  the  rails  of  diamond  ;  they  too  were  bored  ;  among  them  too  every  j 
honest  man  and  woman  at  that  Gunnersbury  breakfast,  writing  him  or 
herself  down  truly,  would  have  signed,  as  I  do, 

"  A  SUFFERER." 


THE    GEEAT    TOBACCO    aUESTION. 

Experienced  Smoker  (\oq.)  "Cigars?    Pooh  I—  Cigars  are  all  very   well 
for  Boys,  but  give  ME  a  Pipe!" 


BROWN'S  ACCOUNT. 

MR.  HUMPHRY  BROWN  is,  doubtless,  acquainted  with  the  Portu- 
guese canon  for  a  sonnet.  It  should  open  with  silver  and  close  with 
gold.  MR.  HUMPHRY  BROWN  opens  his  account  at  the  Royal  British 
Bank  with  eighteen  pounds,  fourteen  shillings,  and  closed  it  with  a  debt 
of  upwards  of  sixty  thousand  pounds !  Is  not  this  a  silver  opening  with 
a  golden  close  ?  Silver  and  gold.  Well,  it  is  a  pity  that,  such  is  the 
law.  we  cannot  have  a  little  iron  mingled  with  the  precious  metals.  A 
little  iron  ought  to  decorate  the  legs  of  the  gentleman  whose  hands 
have  shut  upon  so  much  of  other  people's  gold  and  silver.  MR.  BROWN 
is — was — a  great  ship-owner.  Well,  it  is  a  pity  that  MR.  BROWN  and 
his  companions  of  the  British  could  not  be  invited  to  take  a  sea- voyage 
to  Bermuda.  The  very  ship  that  MR.  BMWN  did  not  sell  to  Govern- 
ment might  be  fitted  up  with  every  convenience  for  the  transit.  And 
this  MR.  HUMPHRY  BROWN  on  the  recent  dissolution  stood  again  for 
Tewkesbury !  Oddly  enough,  he  was  rejected ;  although  a  very  little 
while  before  his  sympathetic  and  admiring  townsmen  presented  him 
with  a  candelabrum :  a  thing  not  to  be  hidden  under  a  bushel  of 
Ma.  BROWN'S  imperfections.  At  the  present  time,  MR.  BROWN  stands 
for  nowhere.  This  is  a  pity ;  this  ought  not  to  be  :  but  then,  the  law 
is  imperfect,  and  the  pillory  is  abolished. 


Always  the  Napiers! 

THE  NAPIERS  are  always  bestowing  something  on  their  fellow- 
creatures;  and  if  they  shine  in  giving  anything,  it  is  when  they 
bestow  their  "contempt."  Last  week,  SIR  WILLIAM  NAPIER  was 
very  liberal  of  his  "contempt."  We  believe  that  if  an  earthquake 
were  to  open  under  the  NAPIERS,  they  would  declare  the  shock  to  be 
"  only  worthy  of  their  contempt,  and  altogether  beneath  their  notice: 


A   FASCINATING  CHRISTIAN. 

THESE  Scottish  Chieftains  are  "kittle  cattle  to  sh6e."  At  least,  a 
little  shoe  (under  the  above  title)  which  Mr.  P/inc/i  recently  ventured 
to  put  upon  a  chieftain  called  CAMPBELL  OF  MONZIE,  seems  to  have 
pinched  him,  though  he  is  not  very  precise  in  pointing  out  where  it 
hurts.  Howerer,  he  writes  so  gentlemanly  a  letter  upon  the  subject 
that  Mr.  Punch,  who,  like  C^SAR,  "doth  never  wrong  but  with  just 
cause,"  hastens  to  reply.  MR.  CAMPBELL,  or  MONZIE,  as  his  own 
reporter  familiarly  calls  him,  says  that  Mr.  Punch  "  should  have  satisfied 
himself  that  he  had  a  correct  report  of  MR.  CAMPBELL'S  speeches, 
before  proceeding  to  hurt  the  public  usefulness  of  a  man  professing 
such  principles."  Mr.  P.'s  answer  is  brief.  He  certainly  happened 
to  select  the  quotations  from  the  Inverness  Courier,  and  not  from  the 
Inner/less  Advertiser.  He  knew  the  former  to  be  a  paper  of  high 
character,  and  conducted  by  a  gentleman  who  bears  an  honoured  name 
in  literature.  Moreover,  Mr.  Punch  has  so  much  confidence  in  British 
journalism  generally,  (which  repudiates  the  American  system  of  re- 
porting, wherein  falsification  and  garbling  are  considered  mere  smart- 
ness,) that  he  unhesitatingly  takes  the  report  of  any  respectable  paper, 
as  material  for  comment.  On  examining  the  Inverness  Advertiser, 
(MR.  CAMPBELL'S  organ),  Mr.  Punch  does  not  find  the  expressions  he 
cited  from  the  other  paper,  but  Jfr.  P.  knows  a  little  about  speech- 
making  and  speech-publishing,  and  MR.  CAMPBELL  will  permit  him, 
until  further  notice,  to  believe  that  the  rough  and  ready  talk  of  the 
platform  is  unceremoniously  given  in  one  paper,  and  that  the  second, 
and  revised  thoughts  of  the  speaker  are  given  in  the  other.  Mr.  P. 
conceives  that  he  has  both  the  "correct"  and  the  "corrected"  re- 
marks before  him.  This  is,  however,  a  question  for  the  two  journals ; 
and  as  to  hurting  the  public  usefulness  of  MONZIE,  (we  have  written 
ourselves,  like  SIR  WALTER'S  Greenhorn  and  Grinderson,  into  fami- 
liarity,) Mr.  Punch  designed  exactly  the  reverse,  having  actually 
suggested  a  service  which  MONZIE  could  do  to  the  agriculture  of  his 
country. 

"  Abroad  in  the  meadows,  to  count  the  young  Ian  l>r, 

And  make  up  a  list  of  their  sires  and  their  dams, 
On  paper  so  clean  and  so  white. 

In  such  pastime  a  Chieftain  had  better  engage, 

Than  in  talking  himself  into  auger  and  rage. 

And  getting  a  wipe  from  the  good-natured  sage, 
Who  answers  him  now  so  polite." 


RUSSIA  IN  FRANCE. 

MUCH  rose-water  has  been  poured  upon  the  bear.  DUKE  CONSTAN- 
TLNE  has  been  most  delicately  treated  on  his  way  to  Paris.  All  the 
arsenals,  all  the  dockyards,  have  been  thrown  open  to  him,  whilst  at 
the  same  time  all  ugly  memoranda  of  a  late  disagreement  between 
France  and  Russia  were  carefully  set  aside.  Now  and  then,  however, 
the  Duke  would  be  over  curious,  and  so  stumbled  upon  disagreeable 
objects.  For  instance,  at  Toulon,  there  was  the  bell  of  Sevastopol 
half-hidden  under  tarpaulin ;  why,  bell-like,  was  it  not  wholly  enve- 
loped in  Crinoline  ?  His  Highness  was  slightly  disturbed  at  the  first 
glance  of  an  old  acquaintance,  but  speedily  recovered  himself,  and 
eyed  the  bell  as  coolly  as  belles  can,  upon  occasion,  eye  anybody. 

("  And  looked  upon  the  strange  man's  face 
As  one  she  ne'er  had  kuowii.") 

In  Paris,  the  Duke  has  been  shown  all  the  sights,  and— to  the  dis- 
gust of  Austria — has  sworn  eternal  friendship  with  the  parvenu 
NAPOLEON.  Wherever  he  goes,  the  Duke  is  accompanied  by  GENERAL 
TODLEBEN  :  should  His  Royal  Highness  cross  to  England,  it  is  under- 
stood that  he  will  be  attended  on  his  progress  by  SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER. 
If  the  Duke  should  not  have  time  to  visit  Woolwich,  he  will  at  least 
examine,  under  the  care  of  SIR  CHARLES,  the  cutlass  that  was  sharp- 
ened by  the  precise  firing  that  was  to  have  knocked  down  Cronstadt. 
The  decorations  bestowed  upon  LORDS  LUCAN  and  CARDIGAN  will 
also  undergo  the  honour  of  a  very  close  inspection.  It  is  reported 
that  a  copy  of  WILLIAM  RUSSELL'S  Crimean  War  lias  been  magnifi- 
cently bound  by  order  of  the  Commander-in-Chief,  and  will  be  duly 
presented  to  our  distinguished  visitor,  but  with  this  condition — he 
must  first  pay  the  visit. 


Clicquot's  Glee. 

NEUPCHATEL,  NEUFCHATEL, 

A  Principality  to  sell ! 

Only  for  one  million  francs, 

"Tis  almost  giving  it  for  thanlrs. 

At  such  a  price  the  bargain 's  funny. 

Sold  again,  and  got  the  money  ! 


REFORM.— In  political  as  well  as  in  all  personal  matters,  the  synonym 
for  to-morrow. 


MAY  9,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


183 


PALMERSTON,    "BIRDS,   BEASTS,  AWD  FISHES." 

ABLJAMKNTAKY  Reform  — 
l>ro],hi-Me.s  I  he'  Quartertv 
-"  will  probably  ta^k 
those  remarkable  in- 
stineN  df  .self.prcscrva- 
tion  in  which  LORD 
PALMEKSTON  has  tlwayi 
shown  himself  to  cxci-1, 
not  mankind  only,  but 
ivcii  birds,  beast.s,  and 
tishes." 

The.  force  of  compli- 
ment can  no  further  go. 
How  vain  is  it  to  hope 
to  catch  and  subdue  a 
Minister  who,  as  JONA- 
THAN has  it,  licks  all 
creation !  J'ALMKKSTOS 
is  not  alonePALMLRSTON 
the  Irishman ;  but  PAL- 
ix  I  he  bird,  PAL- 
JIEKSTON  the  beast,  I'AI,- 

MBKSTON   the    fish!      Put 

PALMERSTON  in  another 
NOAH'S  Ark,  and  he  would  be  Prime  Minister  of  the  whole  menagerie. 
For  consider  PALMEKSTON  the  bird ;  the  lapwing.  How  he  decoys  his 

Eursuers  from  the  ne,st  ;  how  he  trails  alone  the  ground;  how  he  < 
ir  and  far  away  the  curiosity  that  would  destroy  his  expectations. 

,  Think  how  PALMKUSTOX  the  cuckoo  "sucks  little  birds'  eges  to  make 
his  voica  sweet;"  adapting  to  his  own  preservation  the  best  hopes 
and  dearest  property  of  others !  Contemplate  PAJ.MERSTON,  the  beast 

I  — the  fox  PALMERSTON  -  think  of  him  in  foreign  henroosts ;  now  all 
but  run  down,  with  the  whole  country  at  his  heels ;  and  now,  stolen 
away,  and  curled  up  snug'y  in  a  red  box,  with  not  a  hair  turned. 
Consider  PALMUISTON  I  he  fish,  the  torpedo  eel.  Lay  a  little  finger 
on  him,  and  take  a  shock  for  your  pains.  Think  of  PALMERSTON, 
the  official  cuttle-fish.  Move  for  copies  of  correspondence,"  and 
straightway  all  around  shall  be  so  darkened  with  official  ink  that  the 
fish  itself  shall  not  be  discoverable  head  from  tail. 

Is  not  this,  taking  the  Quarterly's  word  for  the  matter,  a  most  por- 
tentous Minister.    A  Premier  who  is  merely  a  man  might  be  m; 
but  how  to  deal  with  a  PALMERSTON  who  is  not  only  a  PALMERSTON, 
but  a  bird,  a  beast,  and  a  fish  ? 


EBENEZER  AND  THE  ESTABLISHMENT. 

THE  subjoined  rather  curious  paragraph  occurs  in  a  letter  on  the 
subject  of  "Church  Rates,"  addressed  by  one  A.  T.  apparently  a 
Dissenter,  to  the  Times : — 

"  Dissenters  ohjtct  to  pay  Church-rate*  on  two  ground* — first,  because  the  pro- 
ceeds of  them  are  devoted  to  the  support  of  a  religious  system  which,  in  their 
opinion,  is  not  in  harmony  with  the  word  of  God ;  and,  second'y,  because  the 
method  of  collecting  them  is  compulsory,  and  not  voluntary.  The  plan  of  your 
Horn*- rton  com- spondeiit  meets  tbo  former  of  these  objections,  but  leaves  entirely 
untouched  the  latter,  which  is  by  far  the  most  serious  objection  of  the  two." 

Will  not  A.  T.,  on  consideration,  be  inclined  to  amend  the  last 
sentence  of  the  foregoing  paragraph  by  substituting  "  stronger  "  for 
"  most  serious  "  F  Surely  Dissenters  consider  the  scriptural  objection 
to  the  payment  of  church-rates  more  serious  than  the  political  and 
personal  one— though  the  latter  may  be,  and  probably  often  is,  very 
much  the  stronger.  However,  the  strongest  objection  to  ehurch-rates 
is  perhaps  that  felt  by  honest  members  of  the  Established  Church,  who 
are,  or  ought  to  be,  ashamed  to  be  beholden  for  the  maintenance  of 
their  places  of  worship  to  people  of  other  persuasions- 


THE  POOR  PATRONISING  THE  RICH. 

A  PII-I:S  and  Beer  meet  ing  of  the  Society  of  the  Poor  for  the  Im- 

Olthe  Ilii'li  «,v.  held  last,  evening  at   the  SoeieH'-  I;. 
Uant    of   spar-e  prevents   us  from    reporting  the  speeches,"  but    their 

is  embodied  in   the  subjoined   resolutions  of  the  meeting, 
which  were  handed  to  us  for  publication  :— 

'i.YF.n--Tlwt  this  ere  Meetin,  as  rcpcrisentin  the  Porer  r 
is  dooly  Sensibel  of  the  Kiudnes  and  Considration  of  the   Hire  <  Irders 
minterc.stm  theirselyei  the  \\  ay  they  Do  .about  our  wcllfare,  and  .seem 
as  Won  good  Turn  deservs  Anuthe'r  is  Doirus  to  reciprocicate  the 
Hobbligacion. 

" RESOLVED— That  accordinly  this  ere  Meetin  feels  its  Self  lowdly 
cauld  Upon  to  uprcM  its  Art-Fell  Borrer  hat  the  \\ier  and  Ilimmo- 
rahtynowso  onappily  pcrvalent  Amung  the  Shuperior  Clarses,  and 
Pledge*  Hitself  to  use  its  Best  egsertions  for  the  Corcction  and 
Remuvial  hof  the  Same. 

•ILVKD— That  to  Wenethe  Hitch  from  their  Gamblin  Bctin  and 
Oss  Racin,  and  drpr  them  from  their  Aunts  of  Dieipation,  instead  of 
Witch  to  Forsler  in  their  minds  a  Taste  for  rashanall  Arneusment,  to 
Bimpres  on  them  as  is  Intrusted  with  tin-  :,eutof  A  fairs  banks 

and  llailways  in  pertickler  the  Adwantages  of  Honisty,  and  the  Rewin 

iitupon  Misconduit  allso  the  Misimnloyment  of  Time  of  the 
Feinail  part  of  the  ritchcr  Popolation  in  the  Destructive  iistnn  of  Late 
Ours  and  Dansin  away  till  Four  and  Five  in  the  morning  with  the 
Nesesity  of  Punctual  payment  of  (lie  Employed,  their  dredful  1  xtiava- 
gance,  the  Foly  and  souperstishion  of  Sperrit  Rappin  and  all  sich 
deloosious  the  same  as  beleavin  in  Whicbcraft,  dewrllopin  amungst 
Them  a  love  of  Industry  and  those  Talents  which  is  been  wouchsaled 
to  their  Keepin  is  the  Principal  Objecks  of  this  ere  Society. 

"  RESOLVED— That  this  Year  Society  afectionatly  intreats  Their 
ritcher  Bretheren  to  Receave  Their  exortations  in  the  Sperrit  they 
are  Ment  and  not  to  Kick  them  Whose  soul  llaim  in  Ouse  to  Ouse 
Wisitation  is  the  Good  of  the  Hinmates  Down  Stares  for  Import  u- 
nance  or  border  them  to  be  Turn'd  Hout  by  ther  Pampered  Menials 
and  guv  in  Chardge  to  the  Poleece. 

"RESOLVED.— That  Hall  Efforts  of  the  Lore  Clarses  to  Elp  the  Ire 
will  be  inefectial  Without  they  endeavours  to  Elp  Their  Selves  their 
Cordial  cohoperation  is  theirfore  inwited  in  this  Good  and  Blesid  vurk 
particular  by  libberal  Subscripsons  witch  may  be  forraded  Hither  in 
chex  or  Cash  post  Orfis  horders  or  Postidge  stampes  to  the  Treasrer 
of  this  hear  Sohicty. 

"  H.  WALKER, 

"  Buggin's  Bvildiiu,  May,  1857."  "  Howry  Secrary." 


Funeral  Bights. 

A  REAL  Undertaker  having  been  returned  for  Greenwich,  MR. 
NEWDEGATE,  as  the  only  member  heretofore  known  by  that  title,  is 
about  to  petition  for  compensation.  Mr.  Punch  sees  no  objection  to 
two  undertakers,  considering  how  many  black  jobs  arc  done  in  the 
House,  and  he  would  be  decidedly  glad  to  see  a  great  many  more 
Mutes. 

&"   LIFK    HAS   NEVER   BEEN    COMPARED   TO   THIS  BEFORE! 

LIFE  is  a  Picnic,  which  would  be  all  the  more  agreeable,  if  we  could 
only  agree  beforehand  as  to  the  share  e;ich  of  us  was  to  take  to  the 
entertainment.  As  it  is,  for  the  want  of  a  better  understanding,  a 
degree  of  insipid  .sameness  often  arises  when,  upon  stock  being  taken 
of  the  company,  it  is  found  out  that  every  one  present  has  brought  a 
calf's  head ! 


STRANGE  MYSTERIES  IN  THIS  WORLD. 

JULIA  (an  Islington  BeVe).  Well,  do  you  know,  you  do  astonish  me ! 
On  my  word  I  took  him  to  be  a  gentleman— for  I  'm  sure  you  never 
meet  him,  not  early  in  the  morning  even,  but  he  has  a  pair  of  the  most 
beautiful  white  kid  jjloves  on ! 

AMBLIA  (her  facehout  friend).  Why,  you  little  simpleton,  that  fact  is 
easily  explained.  The  feliow  is  a  fflore-cleaner  !  !  !  They  're  not  his 
gloves,  but  his  customers'.  Out  of  the  thousands  that  are  left  with 
him,  it  would  be  hard  indeed  if  he  couldn't  select  a  good  pair  !  Why, 
JULIA,  your  Beau,  dear,  is  only  another  kind  of  nurse -a  man- nurse,  I 
declare,  who  walks  out  with  other  people's  kids  to  give  them  an 


airing ! 


"  What  art  thou,  that  Buddest  ?  " 


A  'LEARNED^  controversy  is  waging  on  the  question  whether  the 
Buddhist  Nirvana,  or  summum  bonum,  means  a  "  blowing-out "  or  an 
"  absorption."  An  estimable  and  accomplished  gourmand,  (dating 
from  the  Ship  at  Greenwich,)  informs  us  that  in  his  opinion  the  mm- 
Mitm  bonum  is  a  judicious  union  of  both,  and  also  that  there  are  more 
Bnddhists  in  London  than  Bishops  imagine. 


The  Ruling  Passion. 

As  a  trap  to  catch  some  golden  sunbeams  of  success  in  England,  the 
Russians  speak  of  the  "  advantages  "  their  scheme  of  railways  offers  as 
a  "  guaranteed  investment."  Now  we  have  great  reluctance  to  express 
ourselves  offensively,  but  we  must  say,  that  we  think  this  throwing  of 
the  hatchet  makes  us  somewhat  doubtful  if  they  really  can  have 
buried  it.  

MORBID  PHILANTHROPY  OF  ADVERTISING  !  —  Don't  Beat  your 
Carpets ! 


184 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  9,  1857. 


WHAT  CAN  YOU  SAY  FOB  YOUR  FRIENDS  NOW,   RICHARD?" 


FINE  LADIES  AND  THEIR  TAILORS. 

THE  boots  with  "  military  heels "  now  commonly  worn  by  ladies 
must  have  attracted  the  attention  of  many  of  our  readers,  Because 
they  are  so  conspicuously  exhibited  by  the  necessary  practice  of 
lifting  up  the  excessively  long  clothes.  The  jackets,  also  of  a  military 
character,  resembling  in  design,  if  not  in  material,  the  tunics  lately 
invented  for  some  of  the  dragoons,  must  have  been  likewise  remarked. 
These  articles  of  attire  apparently  indicate  that  a  certain  change  is 
coming  over  the  female  character — a  tendency  towards  the  masculine. 
To  cap  this,  we  may  say,  take  further  the  wide-awake  hats.  The  ' 
superior  education  which  has  of  late  years  been  given  to  woman  may 
be  the  cause  of  these  phenomena ;  the  higher  and  harder  cultivation  of 
the  understanding  may  express  itself  in  the  gentlemanlike  boots,  the 
tunics,  and  the  wide-awakes.  But  the  assimilation  of  ladies  to 
gentlemen  is  not  confined  to  outward  habits. 

The  softer  sex  is  beginning  to  emulate  the  sharper  in  habits  of 
conduct.  To  one  such  habit  in  particular,  attention  has  been  drawn  j 
by  "  An  English  Clergyman,"  writing  in  the  Times.  He  states  that  a 
celebrated  and  fashionable  dressmaker's  establishment  in  Pall  Mall 
has  lately  failed  by  reason  that  duchesses  and  other  ladies  who  dealt 
there  would  not  pay  their  bills.  This  is  a  common  trick  with  fine 
ladies,  and  it  is  a  man's  trick,  a  fast  man's  trick,  equivalent  to  the 
common  dandy's  trick  of  not  paying  his  tailor.  Not  to  pav  his  tailor —  ' 
or  to  pay  his  tailor — the  dandy  regards  as  a  high  joke.  No  doubt  it . 


is,  in  its  way,  capital  fun,  but  it  is  not  ladylike  fun.  It  may  be  all 
very  well  for  a  duke,  but  it  is  unbecoming  in  a  duchess.  Moreover, 
it  is  the  efficient  cause  of  starving  needlewomen.  This  system  of  tick 
is  worse  than  tie  doloureux  to  them.  It  is  the  tick  of  a  death  watch. 
It  is  easy  to  predict  the  consequences  that  must  result  from  the 
adoption,  by  ladies,  in  regard  to  their  milliners,  of  the  behaviour_  of 
men  towards  their  tailors.  We  shall  have  dashing  young  girls  passing 
the  Insolvent  Court  with  fabulous  milliner's  accounts  m  their 
schedules,  consisting  partly  of  charges  for  bills  discounted.  They 
will  take  to  billiard-playing  and  smoking  cigars,  and  we  shall  see 
them  seated  on  the  .counters  of  tobacconist's  shops,  kicking  their 
military  heels.  __• 

THE  TEMPLE  AND  ITS  BAR, 

No  less  than  three  gentlemen  were  called  to  the  Bar,  the  other  day, 
by  the  Honourable  Society  of  the  Middle  Temple ;  and  as  many  as 
eight  by  the  likewise  Honourable  Society  of  the  Inner  Temple.  Law 
reform  appears  not  to  have  quite  destroyed  the  forensic  profession— and 
perhaps  it  may  even  survive  a  Marriage  and  Divorce  Act,  which  will 
probably  leave  it  "  Breach  of  Promise "  to  live  upon.  It  is  observ- 
able that  the  Middle  Temple  called  its  three  new  barristers  to  the 
degree  of  the  Outer  Bar.  Hence  it  will  most  likely  be  concluded  by 
many  Ereneh  commentators  on  English  manners  and  customs  that 
Temple  Bar  is  the  British  Palace  of  Justice. 


MAY  9,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


1S7 


NESTOR    AND    AGAMEMNON. 


IN  the  Quarterly  Review,  No.  -202,  just  published,  at  the  close  of  a 
delightful  article  on  English  Political  Satire,  appear  the  following 
statements  about  Mr.  Pum-li. 

That  "  the  largest  part  of  Mr.  Punch's  fun  has  always  been  social." 
That  his  work  is  a  combination  of  scattered  excellences."  That 
"  the  world  never  before  had  a  specially  comic  journal  of  so  much 
merit,  combining  social  and  political  matter,,  and  combining  also  the 
satire  of  the  pen  with  the  satire  of  the  pencil."  That  "  the  talent  of 
GILHAY  and  the  talent  of  HOOK  are  found  in  it  together."  That  "the 
Snob  Papers  would  not  have  disgraced  the  Taller"  That  "the  do- 
mestic sketches  of  MB.  *  *  are  charming  little  works  of  art, 
which  it  would  be  libellous  to  class  with  caricatures  at  all."  That 
"  the  fanciful  wit  which  flavours  the  writings  of  MR.  * 
carries  us  back  to  FULLER  or  COWLEY,  and  is  of  far  rarer  growth  than 
the  men  of  past  times  would  have  expected  in  a  paper  professedly  comic 
and  polemic."  That  "  in  the  bright  sallies  of  conversational  wit  he 
has  no  surviving  equal."  That  "  the  decorum  which  distinguishes 
Punch  from  the  best  effusions  of  the  class  in  olden  days  belongs  as 
much  to  the  age  as  the  periodical."  That  "  at  the  worst  of  times  our 
facetious  friend  is  innocent."  That  "the  greatest  proof  of  Punch's 
success  is  the  number  of  its  imitators,  the  Pasquins  Pucks,  Puppet 
Shows,  Squibs,  Sparks,  Great  Quits,  Journals  for  Laughter,  Joe  Milters, 
Mephistophileses,  Diogenescs,  Judys,  Tubys,  falstaffs,  Punchinellos,  all 
those  loose  bantlings  of  the  wit  of  the  great  city,  now  no  more. 

Quos  dulcis  vita)  exsortes  et  ab  ubcre  raptos. 
Abfltulit  atra  dies,  et  funere  mer&it  acerbo."  ' 

"  Long,"  adds  the  Quarterly  Review,  "  may  Punch  survive  these  short- 
lived offshoots  from  the  parent  stem." 

Mr.  Punch  is  far  too  much  overcome  to  do  more  than  to  acknowledge 
the  strict  justice  of  all  that  the  reviewer  has  advanced,  and  say  Amen, 
and  to  answer  the  Quarterly,  reverently,  in  the  words  of  the  King  of 
Men  to  Nestor — 

"TUY   YEARS  ARE  AWFUL,    AND  TBY  WORDS  ABE  WISE." 

*  For  the  Uformntion  of  the  luilw.ay  interest,  evangelical  bishops,  the  military, 
and  others  supposed  to  be  unacquainted  with  classical  literature,  Mr.  Punch  begs  to 
translate. 

"  Which  at  starting  were  ck-.-irly  unfit  for  the  rnco. 
And  quickly  shut  up,  iu  insolvent  disgrace." 


Pattern  Piety. 

CAI-TAIN  GOKDON,  an  earnest  Tory,  was  defeated  at  Berwick.  What 
of  that?  Bruised  spices  give  forth  the  strongest  odour.  CAPTAIN 
GORDON  is  a  stranger  to  Berwick  ;  nevertheless  CAPTAIN  GORDON  has 
offered  to  build  a  new  Church  outside  the  walls  at  his  own  expense  ! 
"  The  human  mind,"  says  Doctor  Pangluss,  "  naturally  looks  forward." 
There  will  come  another  election ;  and  though  a  clergyman  is  not 
eligible  for  Parliament,  a  man  may  nevertheless  seek  the  House  of 
Commons  through  the  Church. 


ODE  TO  HUMPHRY  BROWN. 

WHAT  matter,  ilrMi'iiuv,  if  our  name 

IV  sullied  willi  a  little  sli;mie  P 

To  future  times  if  \vc  go  down 

With  PAUL  and  Co.,  my  HUMPHRY  BROWN  ? 

The  mark  of  shame  no  longer 

la  now,  with  red-hot  brand, 
As  when  men's  nerves  were  stronger. 

Burnt  in  the  rogue's  right  hand. 
Ah !  we  are  gentler  to  our  brot.l 

Than  stern  Britons  wci 
We  do  not  crop  or  slit  each  other's 

Ears  or  noses  any  more. 
No  scoundrel's  spattered  visage 

The  pillory  cloth  frame. 
There  is  no  Mnart,  in  this  age, 

No  sting  involved  in  shan 
Those  whom  reproaches  only  can  assail, 

Such  missiles  can  endure  with  ^itience  meek. 
Merc  empty  words  are  ilunz  by  UUMC  who  rail. 
And  not  full  eggs,  that  really  hurt  the  cheek 
Which  they  saluted  with  a  noisome  crash. 
No  backs  are  scored  by  Satire's  airy  lash. 
Hooray  !  we  can't  be  whipped  at  the  cart's  tail. 

Oh,  joyful  mitigation, 

Of  penal  legislation ! 
Sing  whipping,  branding,  pillory,  and  stocks, 

All,  all  abolished, 

O'erthrown,  demolished ! 
And  if  a  brother 's  caught,  who,  like  a  fox, 

Turns  out  to  have  been  living ; 

His  brethren  are  forgiving, 
Forbearingly  regard  his  depredations, 
And  judge  in  mercy  of  his  peculations. 
Friends,  we  have  all  of  us  our  little  failing.-. 
Come,  come,  ye  diddled,  hush  those  noisy  wailings. 
Ye  ruined,  check  those  bitter  curses ; 
And  oh,  ye  bitten,  shut  not  up  your  purses. 
Your  trustfulness  in  man  let  no  fact  smother. 

We  all,  at  times, 

Commit  some  crimes. 
Hope  on,  and  trust,  and  swindle  one  another ! 

Now,  meanwhile,  HUMPHRY,  let  us  thank 

Our  stars,  and  chiefly  MERCURY, 
The  planet  of  the  British  Bank, 

Named  from  the  rascal's  deity, 
That  some  are  not  now  at  the  crank 

Grinding,  as  they  deserve  to  be. 
Nor  tripping,  on  uneasy  toes, 

Upon  the  tread-mill's  steps — as  yet. 
Norpicking  oakum,  task  for  tin 

Who  have  picked  pockets,  fitly  set, 
The  penal  servants  of  the  Crown : — 
Or  where  should  we  be,  HUMPHRY  BROWH? 


I 


THE  WICKED  SCOTCH  SWALLOW. 

THAT  old  friend  and  contemporary,  the  Dumfries  Courier,  states, 
respecting  the  swallow,  that  "  this  welcome  harbinger  of  summer 
made  his  appearance  at  Dumfries  on  Sunday."  It  is  to  be  feared  that 
the  publication  of  this  intelligence  will  be  prejudicial  to  the  unfor- 
tunate bird,  and  will  perhaps  subject  it  to  persecution  at  the  hands  of 
the  Scotch  Sabbatarians,  who,  during  the  ensuing  summer,  may  be 
pleased  to  vent  their  bigotry,  and  at  the  same  time  exercise  their 
marksmanship,  as  many  of  them  as  have  any,  on  the  swallow,  by  shooting 
it  for  the  sin  of  appearing  at  Dumfries  on  the  "  Sabbath." 


SNIPPINGS  AND  CLIPPINGS. 

A  CRITIC  is  always  more  feared  than  loved. 

When  you're  beaten,  fairly  beaten,  say  it's  treachery. 

To  believe  that  you  are  clever,  when  you  are  only  spiteful,  fa  a  doable  deception. 

Those  who  fancy  that  money  can  do  everything  are  generally  prepared  to  do 
everything  for  money. 

Love  and  a  good  dinner  are  the  only  two  things  which  effectually  change  the 
character  of  a  man. 

Too  much  pleasure  and  too  much  sun  are  bad  both  for  women  and  flowers. 

Experience  is  a  flannel  waistcoat  that  we  do  not  think  of  putting  on,  until  after 
we  have  caught  cold. 

Poll  mankind  to-morrow  as  to  which  of  the  two  they  would  sooner  be,  "A  Knave 
or  a  Pool  ?  "  The  majority  would  be  at  least  2  to  1  in  favour  of  the  Knaves ! 


188 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  9,  1857. 


THE    LATEST    CASE    OF    WITCHCRAFT. 


THE  WEAVERS,  THE  DUKE,  AND.THE 
DUCHESS. 

THE  North  British  Daily  Mail  tells  a  very  pleasant  story, 
very  creditable  to  the  DUKE  OP  ATHOLL,  very  honourable 
to  certain  weavers  of  Perth.  It  seems  that  some  of  these 
men  last  Midsummer  visited  the  DUKE  OF  ATHOLL'S 
grounds;  when  the  DDKE,  with  the  courtesy  of  a  true 
gentleman,  attended  his  visitors  through  a  part  of  the 
domain.  The  summer,  autumn,  and  winter  passed ;  and 
last  week  the  weavers  returned  to  Dunkeld  House,  bearing 
a  present  of  table-linen  to  the  Duchess  ;  an  acknqwledg 
ment  of  the  Duke's  courtesy,  a  tribute  of  their  own 
thankfulness.  The  weavers'  present  consisted  of  "  some 
superb  specimens  of  table-linen,  consisting  of  two  dinner- 
cloths  of  the  finest  double  damask,  with  napkins  to  suit,  the 
patterns  being  wrought  with  the  finest  artistic  skill."  All 
this  speaks  well  for  all  parties:  and  when  at  Dunkeld 
House  the  table  is  covered  with  gold  and  silver,  how 
very  prettily  will  the  magnificence  of  the  Duke  be  set-off 
and  contrasted  by  the  simplicity  of  the  weaver !  Rank 
and  wealth  can  have  no  surer  support  than  when  based 
upon  such  workmanship.  Such  a  weavers'  table-cloth  is 
made  worthy  of  a  Duke's  cloth  of  gold. 


BUBBLE  REPUTATION. 

IT  seems,  in  spite  of  all  their  puffing,  that  the  blowers  of 
the  Russian  Railway  Bubble  can't  prevent  its  sinking. 
Although  they  have  used  the  very  softest  of  soap,  they  find 
that,  speaking  vulgarly,  it  will  not  wash.  The  only  wind 
raised  m  England  has  been  an  ill  one  for  the  scheme,  and 
the  breath  of  public  favour  has  been  altogether  wanting  to 
it.  The  Bubble  has,  in  fact,  been  already  so  much  "  blown 
upon"  that  it  can't  be  far  from  bursting ;  and  unless  they 
somehow  wash  their  hands  of  it,  the  capitalists  who  are 
said  to  have  subscribed  for  Shares  will  not  be  better  off  for 
soap  for  having  done  so. 


PUNCH'S  ESSENCE  OP  CONVOCATION.— Bosh. 


SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER  AT  SEA. 

THAT  remarkable  man,  Sra  CHARLES  NAPIER,  in  that  remarkable 
work  of  his,  The  History  of  the  Baltic  Campaign  of  1854,  has  done  his 
best  to  overawe  us  with  his  pictures  of  the  military  and  naval  strength 
of  Russia,which  he  paints  in  what  we  caunot  quite  believe  to  be  true 
colours.  We  suspect,  indeed,  SIR  CHARLES  is  painting  in  distemper 
— the  distemper  being  that  of  a  jaundiced  disposition,  which  suffers 
from  the  fancy  that  its  owner's  talents  have  been  slighted,  and  that  he 
in  due  course  has  become  a  blighted  being.  That  many  of  the 
inferences  which  he  has  drawn  from  what  was  shown  him  in  his  visit 
to  St.  Petersburg  may  fairly  be  regarded  as  drawings  of  the  long  bow, 
we  could  quote  passages  abundantly  to  prove;  but  as  we  have  not 
quite  so  much  space  at  our  command  as  SIB.  CHARLES  NAPIER,  whose 
history  of  six  months  is  spun  into  a  yarn  that  covers  full  600  pages, 
we  must  restrict  our  scissors  to  a  single  snip.  Speaking  of  the 
monetary  power  of  the  country,  which  he,  of  course,  infers  should  be 
to  us  a  monitory  one,  SIB.  CHARLES  puts  forward  his  opinion  that — 

"  So  long  as  Russia  possesses  a  paper-making  machine  and  a  printing-press,  she 
caunot  want  money.  The  paper  rouble  issued  by  the  Government  ha's  precisely 
the  same  value  as  the  silver  rouble." 

This  estimate  of  the  strength  of  the  Russian  sinews  of  war,".appears 
to  us  as  coming  it  a  little  too  strong.  SIR  CHARLES  might  with  equal 
truth  imagine  that  we  none  of  us  can  ever  be  in  want  of  money  so  long 
as  we  can  sign  a  cheque :  no  matter  if  our  bankers  will  honour  it  or 
not.  Of  course,  too,  were  the  principle  a  sound  one,  it  would  apply  to 
other  countries'as  well  as  to  Russia ;  so  that  no  peculiar  advantage  would 
be  gained  to  her  by  acting  on  it.  In  war,  as  in  law,  the  side  which 
has  the  longest  purse  generally  wins :  and  did  a  paper-mill  and  printing- 
press  suffice  19  pay  a  nation's  debts,  that  country  would  be  victor 
which  could  print  the  fastest. 

It  is  pretty  evident  SIR  CHARLES  has  somewhat  flimsy  notions  on 
the  subject  of  bank-notes,  if  he  fancies  that  a  paper  currency  is  in  need 
of  no  support  from  the  metallic  one  which  everywhere  is  co-existing 
with  it.  We  cannot  help  thinking  that  the  passage  we  have  quoted 
betrays  such  a  shallow  knowledge  of  finance,  that  before  he  again 
ventures  so  much  out  of  his  depth,  we  would  advise  SIR  CHARLES  to 
take  a  course  of  lectures  from  some  junior  bank-clerk.  At  present  he 


appears  to  be  so  thoroughly  at  sea  upon  the  subject,  that  we  think  his 
tales  about  the'nwuetary  strength  of  Russia  would  find  a  fitter  audience 
if  told  to  the  marines. 


ELECTION  OF    SPEAKER. 

VERY  imperfect  and,  in  fact,  altogether  ficti- 
tious account  of  the  Election  of  the  Speaker  has 
gone  through  the  papers.  The  real  story  of  the 
ceremony  is  as  follows  : — 

LORD  H.  VANE  rose  and  proposed  that  MR. 
EVELYN  DENISON  should  be  weighed  for  the 
office  of  Speaker. 

MR.  THORNELEY  moved  that  MR.  EVELYN 
DENISON  should  be  measured  for  that  function. 
These  motions  were  seconded  and  carried. 

A  weighing-machine  being  already  prepared, 
MR.  DENISON  sat  down,  and  was  found  to  be  of 
the  requisite  parliamentary  weight  for  Speaker. 

The  height  of  the  Honourable  Gentleman  was 
next  taken  by  the  Usher  of  the  Black  Rod,  and 
declared  to  be  of  the  standard  altitude. 

After  a  short  pause,  there  being  no  other  can- 
didate proposed, TVtR.  DENISON  was  led  to  the  foot 
of  the  Chair  by  his  seconder  and  proposer. 
The  Honourable  Gentleman,  having  made  a  suitable  speech,  sat 
down ;  the  mace  being  laid  before  him. 


Cough  No  More  ! 

WE  are  glad  to  hear  that  our  little  pet,  PICCOLOMINI,  has  taken 
advice  equivalent  to  Cod  Liver  Oil ;  insomuch  that  she  has  got  rid 
of  the  Consumptive  Cough  which  she  last  year  laboured  under,  in  per- 
sonating La  Traviata  at  the  Opera  House.  We  congratulate  the 
accomplished  young  vocalist  on  her  relief  from  a  distressing  symptom, 
which  is,  perhaps,  not  more  troublesome  to  the  patient  than  it  is  to- 
the  patient's  hearers. 


MAT  9,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


189 


THE    ADMIRALTY    AT    SEA    AGAIN. 


Jl  nothing  surprising  to 
u>  in  UK-  intdlignice  that 
certain  of  the  troops  whom 
there  was  such  a  luirry  to  em- 
bark for  (;liin;i,  have  met  with 


i-coml  stoppage  in  transita, 
the  bad  ship  2V«Mi/  havir 
in  at  Corunna,  we  arc  told,  "  in 
iliT|i  dial  '.'"  I.  The  lir-l  talc 
(,  I'  i  his  lull  informed  us  how, 
soon  after  starting,  she  very 
nearly  foundered  on  the  fluke 
nf  her  own  anchor,  and  only 
just  reached  port  in  tin 
save  her  crew  from  swimming  ; 
and  now  we  learn  that  two  days 
in  the  Bay  of  Biscay  have  so 
thoroughly  disabled  her  that 


"if  she  weathers  the  Cape  she.  will  deceive  all  on  board  both  soldiers 
and  1)L  '    The  same  writer  adds,  dating  Irom  the  ship  :— 


doubt— for  CARLYLE  avouches  it— that  CROMWELL  01  1  a  look 

after  this  sort,  and  some  such  look,  tempered  somewhat,  we  may 
expect  from  JOHN  BRIGHT  when,  mounted  on  the  pedestal,  he  is 
greeted  by  his  friends. 

Mu.  LAYARD.it  is  hoped,  will  now  and  Hi  one   of  the 

pedestal  .'-ills  upon  Persia;  they  may  he  used  lor 

the  Innch't  of  the  House,  t hmigh  for  awhile— and  ouly  for  a  while,  we 
hope — he  is  denied  a  seat  I  herein. 

U'h'-n  the  I'.ilnralion  Bill  comes  on,  we  earnestly  hope  that   MR.  \V  . 

will  be  found  upon  one  of  the  pedestals  thai 
sentiments  on  the  measure-  iu  this  way,  he  may  still  rote:  B  t 
his  wisdom    and  moderation  may  still    assert    their  Parliamentary 
influence. 

Now,  we  do  earnestly  hope  that  these  two  pedestal)  will  not  remain 
unoccupied.  There  are  so  many  excellent  men  deterring  to  stand 
upon  them  outside  until  duly  invited  to  take  a  seat  wit  h 


PROTECTION  FROM  PETTICOATS. 

THERE  is  a  smack  of  penny-a-linerism  about  the  following  paragraph. 
which  we  quote  from  the  Daily  News  of  the  Bod  ult .,  but  the  incident 


it  chronicles  appears  so  extiemely  likely  ti.  tike  place  that  our  com- 
ments may  be  fairly  made  as  though  it  really  had  done  so. 
••  DAHOKR  OF  CRIHOLIHE.— On  Wednesday  afternoon,  a  servant  was  crossing  the 
with  one  child  iu  bur  :irm<.  and  another  by  her  side, 


and  blue  jackets, 

"  Yo\i  mny  think  what  she  mnst  be  when  I  tell  you  for  a  truth  that  there  are  not 
one  dozen  men  (troops)  on  board  with  a  dry  hammock,  every  seam  in  n 
letting  in  water." 

We  mav  reasonably  expect  our  soldiers  to  stand  fire,  but  it  is  not  •  wh«n'1two"i»dies^mag'ni(red  bj"»in^Lne["rustiedf  past,  and  actually  swept  the  little 
quite  so  reasonable  fnr  the  Admiralty  to  rely  that  they  are  able  to  ,  toddler  into  the  water." 

stand  water;  and  unless  these  scams  be  stopped,  we  shall  hear  1  ^  ^  statemcnt  (,c  relied  on  (and  we  can  see  no  reason  why  it 

many  of  our  men  have  been  completely  sewn  up  wit  B  tli  em.    I  Jdn't  save  that  at  the  date  of  its  insertion  the  House  of  Commons 

if  they  continue  sleeping  in  wet  hammocks,  they  cannot  long  escape  j  had  not  ^  and  ;t  ig  when  p^fa^^  js  not  sitting  that  the  invention 
the  chills  which  even  regimental  flesh  is  heir  to;  and  in  ague  a  4  of  the  ««jiller>»  js  most  called  into  play),  we  think  the  circumstance 
rheumatism  they  will  be  attacked  by  enemies  by  far  more  to  be  feared  ,  relatcd  silouid  at  once  be  brought  before  the  notice  of  the  Royal 
than  the  Chinese,  and  such  as  are  of  all  most  sure  to  leave  them  cnppl  ,  |mnane  Society  w;th  the  view  that  proper  means  of  rescue  be  devised 
So  that  when  they  reach  Hong  Kong  all  they  will  be  fat  for  will  be  to  j  t(j  bg  a(.  hand  .^^  Q{  itg  recurrence.  {f  ladies.will  persist  in  coming 
be  sent  home  again  as  candidates  for  Chelsea. 

Now,  these  breakdowns  of  the  Transit  cannot  be  excused  upon  the 
plea  of  being  accidents.  There  has  been  in  fact  such  distinct  fore- 
warning of  them,  that  in  strictness  their  occurrence  can  be  hardly 


called  fortuitous.'  Any  heads  less  ligneous  than  those  which  consti- 
tute an  Admiralty  board  must  have  been  penetrated,  by  what  happened 
on  that  mournful'  clay  a  twelvemonth  since,  with  the  conviction  that 
the  Transit  was  in  speed  a  tug  of  war  in  which  transition  was  impos- 
sible, and  that  she  would  constantly  belie  her  name  until  she  make,  some 
day  or  other,  a  transit  to  the  bottom.  That  she  should  therefore  be 
selected  to  convey  our  troops  to  China,  it  was  as  easy  to  have  pro- 
phesied as  it  would  be  to  predict  that,  if  she  be  allowed  to  make 
another  start,  there  will  follow  to  a  certainty  more  working  at  her 
pumps;  in  which  ease  there  will  be  entailed  on  Mr.  Punch  more 
working  of  the  Pumps  in  the  precincts  of  Whitehall,  which  are  so 
much  out  of  gear  that  they  continually  want  leathering. 


THE  TWO  PEDESTALS. 

GRATTAN  has  arrived,  but  there  still  remain  in  St.  Stephen's  Hall 
two  vacant  pedestals,  only  ten  statues  being  erected.  Surely,  a  very 
good  use  might  be  made  of  these  pedestals.  Why  should  they  remain 
vacant  ?  Why  should  they  not,  for  at  least  a  part  of  the  day,  be  duly 
occupied?  It  is  only  a  little  to  anticipate  history— nothing  more.  There 
can  DC  no  doubt  that,  in  due  time,  MR.  COBDEN  will  hare  a  statue ;  so 
will  MR.  BRIGHT  ;  so  will  MR.  MILNER  GIBSON,  if  at  his  own  expense  he 
erects  one  to  his  own  memory.  MR.  FREDERICK  PEEL  was  meant  by- 
nature  for  a  bit  of  stone ;  and  he,  no  doubt  in  the  fulness  of  tinte,  will 
have  a  statue.  Why,  then,  should  not  these  pedestals  be  occupied  by 
these  gentlemen  and  others  of  the  rejected  in  turn?  Denied  a  seat,  at 
least  they  may  be  allowed  to  stand. 

MR.  COBDEN  is  on  one  pedestal,  MR.  MILNER  GIBSON  is  on  another. 
How  old  friends  gather  about  them  ;  how  they  discuss  the  measure  of 
the  time  ;  and  how,  though  out  of  the  House,  they  make  themselves 
spiritually  felt  within !  Another  day,  and  may  it  be  an  early  oue,  we 
have  JOHN  BRIGUT  on  the  pedestal,  JOHN  BRIGHT  strengthened  and 
animated  by  Southern  air.  There  is  a  new  dignity  in  BRIGHT'S 
aspect  and  heaving.  And  wherefore?  BRIGHT  has  suffered  man's 
ingratitude ;  a  suffering  we  hold  to  be  vitally  necessary  to  the  per- 
fection of  the  heroic  character.  What  imparts  a  gloomy  majesty  to 
DANTE,  but  the  ingratitude  of  the  Florentines.  What,  as  we  see 
them,  gives  to  the  chains  of  COLUMBUS  the  brightness  of  sunbeams,  but 
the  ingratitude  of  Spain.  Once  upon  a  time  OLIVER  CROMWELL  felt 
a  touch  of  ingratitude  from  his  otherwise  faithful  Commons ;  for 
THOMAS  CARLYLE  tells  us  that  he,  OLIVER,  "sat  down  with  the 
mingled  look  of  an  injured  dove  and  the  couchant  lion ; "  a  look,  no 
doubt,  not  to  be  painted  by  any  ink  soever,  and  a  look,  as  it  appears  to 
us,  extremely  difficult  to  be  rendered  by  the  human  eye  divine,  doves 
and  lions  not  coming  together  very  kindly.  However,  there  can  be  no 


out  such  swells,  and  will  suffer  no  curtailment  of  their  perilous  pro- 
portions, every  father  will  agree  with  us  that  measures  must  be  taken 
to  ensure  more  efficiently  the  safety  of  our  children:  or  they  will 
probably  ere  long  be  so  swept  off,  that  Crinoline  will  seriously  affect 
the  infant  census. 

As  the  season  for  the  seaside  is  again  approaching,  the  hoop  petticoat 
may  prove  as  fatal  as  the  hooping-cough,  and  Dover  Bridge  become  a 
second  Bridge  of  Sighs,  so  many  little  toddlers"  may  be  daily 
sighed  for  under  it.  Were  Government  Inspectors  of  Crinoline  ap- 
pointed, and  no  dress  permitted  of  unsafe  circumference,  there  perhaps 
would  be  less  danger  oTinfanticide  resulting ;  or  if  this  be  found  im- 
practicable (and  what  more  than  Monster  would  undertake  the 
Scissorship  ?)  we  would  suggest  that,  in  future,  ladies  visiting  a 
watering-place  should  not  be  suffered  to  walk  out  in  the  present  width 
of  fashion,  unless  provided,  like  a  steam-boat,  with  swimming  corks  or 
life-preservers,  wherewith  to  save  the  children  thev  might  sweep  off 
by  their  contact.  Or  if  toy-balloons  were  used  for  the  inflation  of 
their  petticoats,  the  encumbrance  of  the  life-corks  perhaps  might  be 
dispensed  with ;  for  the  balloons  might  easily  be  made  detachable,  and 
would  doubtless  keep  a  child  from  drowning  until  some  one  arrived 
with  a  fishing-rod  and  landing-net. 


A  MILITARY  TAILOR. 

THERE  seems  to  be  some  mystery  in  the  subjoined  advertisement  :— 

MR  MILES  and  the  IGs.  TROUSERS.    The  Trou-ers  originated  by 
him  are  patent  to  the  world  for  their  Elasticity,  Durability,  and  Superior  Cut. 

The  mystery  seems  to  lie  in  the  name  MILES.  Is  this  word  mono- 
syllabic, and  English,  or  is  it  dissyllabic  and  Latin  ?  In  the  latter  case 
does  MILES  mean  common  soldier,  or  Illustrious  Field  Marshal, 
distinguished  for  invention  in  the  Army  clothing  line. 


Tittle-Tattle  at  the  Tittle-Tattler's  Club. 

Tittle.  I  say,  do  you  know  FRED  PEEL  talks  of  going  over  to 
Australia,  or  America,  or  somewhere,  to  hide  his  discomfiture  ? 

Tattle.  Nonsense !    Well,  if  he  does,  you  see  he  11  hire  the  Jttoi 
Ship  at  Blackwall,  and  go  over  all  by  himself.    It  won't  be  any  too 
big  for  FRED  ! 

OPPOSITION   FORCE*.' 

MR.  DISRAELI  is  about  to  deliver  a  lecture  in  answer  to  PROFESSOR 
FARADAY'S  On  the  Conservation  of  Forces.  By  the  kindness  of ;. 
"party,"  he  will  be  enabled  to  give  some  startling  f'aets  On  the  Con- 
servatism of   Weakness,  which  will    indisputably  prove,   as  sure  as 
PALMERSTON  is  of  a  majority,  the  extreme  Weakness  of  Contfrvatim. 


190 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  [),  1857. 


DANCING  MAD. 

A  LITTLE  Pamphlet  has  lately  been  published 
under  the  following  apparently  jocose  title  :— 
The  Homoeopathic  Principle  applied  to  Insanity. 
A  Proposal  to  treat  Lunacy  by  Spiritualism.  This 
work  is,  however,  written  in  perfect  seriousness. 
It  uT.-ively  propounds  a  scheme  for  the  cure  of 
Insanity,  on  the  principle  that  like  cures  like,  by 
subjecting  the  lunatic  to  spiritual  agenev.  How 
it  proposes  to  accomplish  this  seemingly  rather 
difficult  matter,  the  reader  may  not  care  to 
know  ;  but  perhaps  the  idea  of  infinitesimal 
doses  of  spiritualism  may  somewhat  puzzle  him.  i 
Nothing,  however,  is  said  in  the  pamphlet  :< 
these  ;  out  if  spiritualism  is  nothing  at  all,  any 
dose  of  it  must  be  even  less  than  infinitcsimni. 
Curiously  enough,  just  after  the  appearance  of 
this  tract,  out  came  the  Quarterly  with  an  article 
on  Lunatic  Asylums,  wherein  it  appears  that 
Dancing  is  now  extensively  employed  as  a  reme- 
dial exercise  in  Insanity.  Now,  as  no  sane 
man  ever  dances,*  except  upon  the  stage,  or  in 
playing  the  fool  elsewhere,  or  for  the  purpose  of 
rendering  himself  agreeable  to  female  society,  is 
it  not  probable  that  dancing  docs — as  spiritual- 
ism, according  to  the  work  above  cited,  may- 
cure  Insanity  on  the  principle  that  like  cures 
like? 

*  Our  Contributor  has  a  wooden  leg.— ED. 


A   VEEY    SHOCKING   BOY,    INDEED! 

Mamma.  "  Now,  SIB — IF  TOU  DON'T  BEHAVE  BETTER,  I  WILL  TELL  PAPA  OF  YOU,  AND  HE 
WILL  Box  YOUR  EARS!" 
Shocking  Boy.  "  WELL,  THEN,  GO  !  MARCH  !!  AND  SHUT  THE  DOOR  AFTER  YOB  ! ! !" 


Musical  Intelligence. 

ME.  GLADSTONE  has  for  some  time  past  been 
busy  concocting  with  MR.  DISRAELI  a  new 
Cabal-letta,  upon  which  they  intend  trying 


their  own  voices,  as  well  as  the  voices  of  their 


small 
opens 


try  hi! 
of  thei 


musical   party,  as   soon  as   Parliament 


PUNCH'S  ESSENCE  OF  PAKLIAMENT. 

1857,  April  30M,  Thursday.  The  QUEEN  sent  a  message  to  the  new 
Commons,  desiring  them  to  choose  a  Speaker.  LORD  PALMERSTON 
having  already  chosen  one  for  them,  was  graciously  pleased  to  permit 
JOHN  EVELYN;  D UNISON,  ESQUIRE  of  Ossington  in  Nottinghamshire, 
and  member  for  North  N9tts,  to  be  put  into  nomination.  His  Lord- 
ship was  rather  late  in  his  attendance,  and  MR.  ROEBUCK,  in  Mr. 
Punch's  hearing,  somewhat  impatiently  demanded  why  business  did 
not  proceed,  to  which  SIB  JAMES  GRAHAM  slily  responded,  that  "  they 
were  waiting  for  the  DICTATOR,"  a  sarcasm  which  it  is  supposed  LORD 
PALMERSTOX  may  manage  to  survive".  The  new  Speaker  was  proposed 
by  a  namesake  and  descendant  of  the  person  from  whom  one  ME.  0. 
CROMWKLL  uncivilly  prayed  that  "the  LORD  would  deliver  him," 
,  LOUD  HARRY  VANE,  and  was  seconded  by  MR.  THORNELY,  a 
retired  Liverpool  merchant,  who  drops  his  aitches.  The  latter  intro- 
duced a  protest  against  the  long  speeches  in  the  House  of  Commons, 
and  begged  that  the  leading  members  would  begin  their  orations  early 
in  the  night.  He  might  as  well  expect  a  favourite  theatrical  buffoon 
to  consent  to  begin  grinning  at  an  hour  of  the  evening  when  the  best 
part  of  the  audience  has  not  arrived. 

MR.  DKXISOS  made  a  neat  little  speech,  placing  himself  in  the  hands 
01  the  House,  which  hands  unanimously  lifted  him  into  the  seat  vacated 
by  t  he  LORD  ETOBSLBT.    The  Dictator  then  congratulated  him  as  did 
MR.  V\  ALFOLE,  from  whom  the  congratulations  came  the  more  grace- 
fully that  the  honourable  gentleman  had  been  himself  a  good  deal 
•Jtoout  as  a  very  proper  candidate  for  the  Speakership     MB 
M  was  not  present,  owing,  it  was  said,  to  his  having  been  misled 
as  to  the  hour  of  election.    MR.  HAYTER,  the  Liberal  whipper-in  had 
(turned  four  o'clock  as  the  time,  but  as  it  scarcely  came  within  his 
s  to  whip  111  the  leader  of  opposition,  and  as  moreover  MR 
RAELI  is  generally  supposed  to  be  in  the  habit  of  knowing  what 
it  is  as  well  as  most  folks,  it  is  charitable  to  believe  that  he 
wished  to  give  MR.  WALPOLE  the  chance  of  doing  a  pleasant  thing 
•1 1'.  BMAIOSB  DENISON  thanked  the  House,  and  adjourned  it. 
Friday,  and  Saturday.    Lords    and  Commons    swearing.     LORD 
LEY,  in  splendid  baronial  array,  has  been  duly  enrolled  a  member 
ie  hereditary  chamber.    He  chose  as  godfathers  to  introduce  him 
'  COMBERMERE  and  LORD  TORRINGTON,  the  former  of  whom  wa^ 
I,  and  the  latter  notorious,  for  his  conduct  in  the  East 


LA  CLEMENZA  DI  BOMBA. 

BECAUSE  BOMBA  has  been  kind  to  the  POPE,  kisses  the  toe  of  his 
Holiness,  and  venerates  the  chemical  preparation  which  the  Neapoli- 
tan clergy  contrive  to  fuse  under  the  denomination  of  the  blood  of 
ST.  JANUARIUS,  the  Roman  Catholic  Newspapers  generally,  if  not 
universally,  take  the  part  of  the  modern  TIBERIUS,  andapplaud,  defend, 
or  palliate  his  acts  and  deeds.  Tims  writes  from  Naples  the  Tablet's 
"  Own  Correspondent :  " — 

"  With  regard  to  the  treatment  of  POERIO  and  the  other  political  prisoners,  you  may 
rely  upon  tbe  following  statement  being  correct.  A  friend  of  mine,  an  officer,  who 
some  little  time  ago  was  on  duty  at  Montesarchio  where  POERIO  is  confined,  tells  me 
that  he  has  frequently  been  obliged  to  put  up  with  the  very  sorry  fare  which  that  village 
affords,  when  under  his  very  eyes  cases  of  champagne  and  other  luxuries  were  being 
carried  iuto  the  castle  for  the  use  of  the  prisoners.  This  is,  indeed,  quite  in  accord- 
ance with  the  express  orders  of  the  King,  who  had  given  particular  instructions  that 
everything  should  be  furnished  to  the  prisoners  that  they  might  wish  and  could  pay 
for,  the  only  thing  prohibited  being  the  sending  out  of  letters." 

This  statement  is  likely  enough  to  be  quite  correct.  Very  probably 
the  author  heard  that  BOMBA  had  given  the  orders  to  which  he  alludes. 
Such  a  story  may  well  be  conceived  to  have  been  given  out  by  the 
monarch's  police.  In  conformity  therewith,  cases,  apparently  of 
champagne,  and  other  luxuries,  may,  doubtless,  have  been  carried,  in 
the  public  view,  into  the  castle.  Whether  they  were  bo?iafide  cases 
of  champagne  and  other  luxuries  or  not,  and  if  they  were,  who  con- 
sumed them— the  prisoners,  or  their  gaolers  and  torturers — may, 
indeed,  be  questioned.  This  question  would  have  been  set  at  rest  b"y 
the  letters  of  the  prisoners,  if  they  had  been  allowed  to  send  any  out. 
We  entirely  believe  that  BOMBA  prohibited  them  from  doing  any  such 
thing ;  and  thus  believe  the  above  statement  from  beginning  to  end — 
the  end  especially. 

Brown's  Testimonial. 

Tr  is  not  yet  generally  known  what  kind  of  candles  MR.  HUMPITRY 
BROWN  will  burn  in  tbe  candelabrum  that  his  admirers  presented  to 
him  ;.t  Tewkcsbury.  However,  we  can  take  it  upon  ourselves  to  say, 
that  the  candles  in  question  will  be  neither  plebeian  tallow,  nor  patrician 
wax,  but  simply  composition— in  fact,  nothing  short  of  the  composition 
that  has  been  paid  over  by  the  shareholders  of  the  British  Bank,  but 
which  MR.  HUMPHRY  BROWN  will  try  his  best  to  see  if  he  cannot 
make  light  of. 


Printers,  at  their  < 
Lo»doB.— SATVBP, 


^ 


MAT  16,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  '  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


191 


THE    SOCIAL    TREAD-MILL.     No.  3. 


"  GOOD  GRACIOUS  !    SHE  '3  AT  HOME  ! 


"  Mn.  PUNCH, — TVhat  holds  Society  together  ?    Mutual  services, 

acts  of  kindness  done  in  moments  of  need  or  sorrow,  self-interest,  the 

v  of  conversation,  the  love  of  scandal,  wearmesa  of  ourselves, 

enjoyment  of  the  company  of  others,  or  mere  instinctive  gregariousncss ': 

"  None  of  these,  so  far  as  I  can  gather  from  my  experiences  as  a 
married  man,  and  a  London  householder.    Society  here  seems  to  me  | 
to  be  built  up  of  pasteboard— a  veritable  house  of  cards. 

"Nine-tenths  of  the  social  intercourse  of  this  Metropolis  appears  to 
be  carried  on  either  as  a  solemn  and  costly  ceremonial,  or  as  a  dreary 
penance. 

"  Dinners,  routs,  balls,  breakfasts— wedding  and  others— belong  to  the 
first,  or  ceremonial  order  of  social  rites. 

"  Calling  is  the  principal  form  of  social  penance.  It  is  against  this 
penance  I  wish  to  pour  out  my  feelings. 

"  It  is  only  married  men  who  know  at  what  cost  of  time,  money, 
and  temper  this  penance  is  performed.  A  bachelor's  calls  are  seldom 
penal.  _  Your  bachelor,  if  he  ever  makes  calls,  does  it  because  he  likes 
it.  What  more  natural  than  that  JACK  EASY,  on  his  stroll  from  the 
Club  to  the  Park,  should  drop  in  of  an  afternoon  on  pretty  MRS. 
us  in  May  Fair?  The  chances  are  ten  to  one  he  will  find 
MRS.  BEU.AIKS  at  home,  for  he  knows  her  hours,  and  wants  to  see 
her.  And  as  lie  is  certain  to  come  in  for  a  bright  lace,  a  pretty  morn- 
ing-dress, an  elegant  little  boudoir,  and  a  lively  half-hour's  gossip— 
wii  h  perhaps  a  cup  of  tea,  at  the  end  of  it— JACK  has  treated  himself 
to  a  pleasure.  He  called  with  that  object.  MRS.  BELLAIRS  will  have 
half-a-dozen  such  calls,  this  afternoon,  most  of  them  from  her  male 
acquaintance.  The  ladies  purse  their  lips,  when  MRS.  BELLAIRS  is 
mentioned.  She  is  too  agreeable.  She  has  flung  off  the  ceremonies,; 
and  refuses  to  perform  the  penances  of  society.  Her  dinners  arc  un- 
pretending and  proportioned  to  her  kitchen  and  her  establishment. 
She  does  not  swell  her  household  with  green-grocers,  or  have  her 
entrees  from  the  pastrycook's.  When  you  call,  as  I  have  said,  you  find 
her  at  home.  She  has  arranged  her  house  and  ways  for  enjoyment,  and 
not  as  if  for  the  discharge  of  a  painful  duty.  'Hence,  perhaps,  the 
undeniable  fact  that  she  counts,  in  her  circle,  three  bachelors  for  one 
wedded-pair.  The  married  couples  you  do  meet  at  her  house  are  apt  j 
to  be  young  ones,  and  of  the  unceremonious  or  off-hand  kind,  who  I 
take  life  as  if  it  concerned  themselves  more  than  their  neighbours. 


"Women,  too,  have  their  non-penal  calls.  When  two  young  ladies 
for  example, — dear  friends, — meet  to  exchange  patterns  or  experiences 
— to  talk  over  the  triumphs  and  trials  of  last  night's  ball, — to  compare 
notes  as  to  husbands,  and  house-keeping — to  bewail  the  backsliding!  of 
butlers,  the  contrariness  of  cooks,  or  the  high-flyings  of  housemaids, 
I  do  not  doubt  that  they  really  enjoy  themselves.  I  can  readily 
imagine  two  vicious  old  maids,  keenly  relishing  a  good  'go-in'  at 
the  reputation  or  circumstances  of  their  friends.  I  can  conceive  their 
bitter  pleasure  in  tearing  to  pieces  some  fair  young  fame— or  in  routing 
out  some  grim  skeleton  from  its  closet  in  the  house  of  a  common 
acquaintance  ;  or  in  letting  loose  from  its  bag  some  cat,  likely  to  run 
about  freely,  and  to  bite  and  scratch  a  great  many  people  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood. 

"  There  is  enjoyment  in  a  call  on  an  artist  in  his  studio,  provided  you 
know  him  well  enough  to  rummage  his  portfolios,  or  turn  his  canvases 
from  the  wall  while  he  continues  at  work.  Unless  you  are  on  these 
terms  with  him,  you  have  no  business  to  interrupt  an  artist,  except  on 
invitation,  and  on  ceremonial  or  penal  occasions;  as,  for  instance, 
when  PODGERS  A. R. A.  has  expressed  in  writing  the  pleasure  it  will  give 
him  to  see  you  for  inspection  of  his  pictures  intended  for  the  Academy 
on  the  3rd,  4th,  or  5th  of  April.  That  is  one  of  the  penal  performances. 
If  you  go,  you  must  make  one  of  a  shoal  of  people,  who  nock  into  tin: 
place  on  each  other's  heels  the  whole  day  through,  most  of  them 
knowing  nothing  of  Art.  The  few  who  do,  are  debarred  by  politeness 
from  speaking  their  mind  on  the  works  before  them,  where  they  cannot 
honestly  approve,  but  they  are  all  pouring  out  the  same  commonplaces 
of  compliment  to  PODGER'S'S  face,  and  venturing  on  '  shys '  of  criticism 
win  never  the  poor  man's  back  is  turned,  while  poor  PODGERS  is 
beaming  about,  full  of  himself,  feeding  on  honey  and  butter,  and 
believing  all  the  compliments  sincere  in  spite  of  his  better  judgment — 
so  sweet  is  praise — tUl  the  Times  comes  out,  the  day  after  the  Private 
View,  and  omits  all  mention  of  PODGERS,  or  damns  him  with  faint 
praise,  or  cuts  him  up,  perhaps,  root  and  branch. 

"  But  the  real  penance  of  penances  is  that  social  performance  called 
'leaving  cards.'  Every  day,  when  I  come  home  from  my  office,  I  find 
my  hall-table  littered  with  these  pieces  of  pasteboard.  There  is  a 
physiognomy  about  then!.  T:\ke  the  newly-married  card,  for  instance, 
on  which  Mn.  and  MR*.  COOBIDDY  always  figure  in  couples,  a  sort  of 


VOL.  sxxn. 


192 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  16,  1857. 


connubial  four-poster  among  the  pack;  or  CAPTAIN  BLUNDERBORE'S 
card— the  most  tiny  and  lady-like  square  of  glazed  paste-board,  with 
letters  so  small,  they  almost  require  the  help  of  a  magnifying  glass  to 
make  them  out ;  or  LADY  MANGELWURZEL'S  solid  ana  substantial 
ticket,  heavy  as  her  ladyship's  jointure,  the  letters  square  as  her 
bank-account,  and  as  firmly  impressed  on  the  paper  as  her  ladyship's 
dignity  and  Importance  on  her  mind.  Here  is  the  pasteboard  repre- 
sentative of  lively  MRS.  MARABOUT — limp,  light,  spider-charactered, 
t:n;:rtved  in  Paris;  and  here  medieevaily-minded  MR.  PYXON  has 
stamped  himself  in  Gothic  characters  as  difficult  to  decipher  as  the 
directions  to  strangers  in  the  New  Houses  of  Parliament. 

"But  what  is  the  meaning  of  this  pack  of  pasteboard  from  the  JUG- 
GERNAUTS ''.  AVhy  has  MR.  JUGGERNAUT  left  two  cards,  and  MRS. 
JUGGERNAUT  two  cards,  and  Miss  JUGGERNAUT  two  cards,  and  MR. 
FREDERICK  JUGGERNAUT  two  cards  r  And  why  are  they  all  turned  up 
at  one  corner  ?  The  JUGGERNAUTS  are  the  most  determined  doers  of 
social  penance  I  know.  This  shower  of  cards  is  meant  to  represent  a 
visit  from  every  individual  member  of  their  family  to  every  individual 
member  of  mine.  Well,  if  it  have  saved  us  from  an  infliction  of  the 
JUGGERNAUTS  in  person,  let  us  be  thankful.  These  paste-board  proxies 
are  Messed  inventions,  after  all.  There  could  be  only  one  thing  Better. 
To  get  rid  of  the  printed  paste-board — even  as  we  have  got  rid  of  the 
human  buckram  it  represents.  Why  call  upon  each  other — 0  my 
bretliren  and  sisters — you  who  bore  me— you  whom  I  bore — even  in 
paste-board?  Why  not  drop  it  altogether — and  live  apart?  People 
who  care  for  each  other  will  find  time  and  opportunity  to  meet,  I  will 
answer  for  it.  Why  should  those  who  do  not  pine  in  a  self-inflicted  and 
superfluous  suffering  ?  Think  what  you  are  exposing  yourselves  and 
I  or  my  wile  might  be  at  home  when  you  call.  We  might  all 
have  to  endure  half-au-hour  of  each  other — a  constrained,  unhappy 
half-hour,  of  baffled  attempts  at  keeping  our  mask  from  slipping  on  one 
side,  and  showing  the  yawns,  and  flat  melancholy  behind  tnem. 

"Then  this  penance  is  not  merely  painful  in  itself.  It  costs  time  and 
money. 

"  One  morning  in  every  three  weeks  or  so,  I  find  my  wife  at  her 
writing-table,  struggling  with  the  Red-book  and  the  Map  of  London. 
She  is  making  out  her  lists  of  calls,  she  tells  me.  These  lists  are  in 
duplicate.  One  is  for  her  own  guidance,  the  other  for  the  driver  of 
the  Brougham,  which  is  hired  for  the  day's  penance.  There  is  a 
sovereign  for  thai,  including  the  tip  to  the  driver.  Of  course,  she 
can't  be  expected  to  make  her  calls  in  a  cab. 

"  I  once,  out  of  curiosity,  accompanied  my  unhappy  wife  on  one  of 
these  penal  rounds  of  hers.  I  never  saw  more  suffering,  of  various 
kinds,  condensed  into  six  hours.  First,  there  is  the  consideration  of 
the  route — by  what  line  the  greatest  number  of  calls  could  be  got 
through  in  the  least  time,  with  the  greatest  economv  of  ground.  This 
settled  with  the  driver,  begins  the  painful  process  itself,  in  Tyburnia 
—let  us  say— or  Belgravia,  or  the  regions  around  Bedford  Square— 
if  one  dare  own  to  acquaintances  in  that  quarter, 

"  Remote,  unfriended,  melancholy,  slow." 

"You  reach  No.  1  on  your  list :  a  pull  at  the  cheek-string :  ten  to  one 
the  driver  has  overshot  the  door :  he  turns  round :  descends :  knocks  • 
the  door  is  opened :  '  MRS.  HARRIS  not  at  home  '—of  course :  your 
cards  are  dropped :  drive  on  to  No.  2 :  driver  has  a  difficulty  about 
the  street:  this  you  discuss  and  finally  settle  with  him  through  the 
t  window :  drive  a  hundred  yards :  check-string  again :  knock  • 
door  opened :  not  at  home :  card  dropped  as  before  :  then  on  to  No  3  • 
and  so  the  weary  routine  goes  on  from  one  o'clock  till  six.  Of  course' 
there  are  episodes  of  peculiar  dreariness.  Sometimes  MRS.  HAHRIS  is 
at  home,  and  being  at  home,  has  neglected  to  say  that  she  is  not  If 
you  have  rashly  asked  the  formal  question,  you  must  go  in,  and  the 
paste-board  performance  is  turned  into  the  real  penance  of  a  bona-Jids 
all.  Or  your  coachman  is  stupid,  and  keeps  turning  up  wrong  streets  • 
nnot  read,  and  invariably  stops  at  the  wrong  numbers:  or  is 
obstinate,  and  has  a  theory  of  his  own  as  to  the  order  in  which  the 
houses  on  your  list  are  to  be  taken,  and  so  forth. 

Ihe  worst  of  all,  as  I  have  already  said,  is  when  the  people  called 
upon  happen  to  be  at  home.  This  chance  has  to  be  faced  at  every 
house,  and  adds  seriously  to  the  day's  unhappiness.  I  shall  not  soon 
•t  my  wife  s  face  of  consternation  when,  on  dropping  her  cards  at 
the  address  of  our  dreary  old  friend,  MRS.  BOREHAM,  who  is  at  once 
deal  curious  and  ill-natured— the  servant  who  took  the  cards,  instead 

shutting  the  door  as  usual,  advanced  to  the  carriage—'  Good  Gra- 
cious !    exckimed  my  wife,  in  a  voice  of  dismay.  '  She 's  at  home ! ' 
the  l.lan'dot  Snnl'(!AM  **  home?>  she  ^quired  the  next  moment,  with 

'No,  Ma'am,'  was  the  answer;  'but  she  told  me  to  say  if  yon 
called  she  was  going  to  Brighton  for  a  month.' 

d  bless  her! '  rapped  out  my  wife.  The  footman  thought  the 
ejaculation  one  of  pious  affection.  Under  this  impression  he  might 
well  look  astonished.  Had  he  understood  the  words  in  their  true 
reuse-as  an  utterance  of  thankfulness  that  his  mistress  was  out  of  the 
way,-he  would,  probably,  have  said  '  Amen,'  for  MRS.  B  's  hand  is 
eavy  on  her  household.  I  have  never  joined  my  wife  in  a  day  of 


calling-penance  since  that  morning.  But  I  am  always  paying  bills  for 
packs  of  cards,  and  the  Brougham  forms  a  serious  item  in  our  quarterly 
accounts. 

"  But  after  all  it  is  not  so  much  the  waste  of  money  and  time  that 
irritates  one  as  the  hollowness  of  the  business.  If  these  Iving  paste- 
boards must  be  deposited,  why  not  despatch  them  by  post,  like  trades- 
men's circulars  ?  1  hear  that  some  fine  ladies  do  send  round  their  maids 
on  this  penance.  I  applaud  them  for  it.  I  have  serious  thoughts  of 
insisting  on  my  wife's  employing  the  crossing-sweeper — who  does  our 
confidential  errands  extraordinary— to  deliver  her  cards.  He  is  a 
most  trustworthy  man,  and  would  be  thankful  for  the  day's  work,  for 
which  he  might  be  fitted  out  respectably  in  one  of  my  old  suits. 

"  This  Groan,  I  feel,  ought  by  rights  to  have  come  not  from  me,  but 
from  my  wife.  It  is  the  poor  women  especially  who  have  to  do  this 
penance.  But  we  men  suffer  from  it  in  twenty  ways,  besides  the 
direct  ones  of  money  out  of  pocket,  and  a  wife's  time  abstracted  from 
home  and  home  duties.  The  huge  lie  it  embodies  works  all  through 
society.  This  paste-board  acquaintance  invites  and  is  invited.  To 
it  I  owe  the  splendid  didness  of  many  dinners  every  season — the 
heat  and  weariness  of  many  crushes  under  the  name  of  drums,  routs, 
concerts,  and  so  forth— the  necessity  of  bowing  and  smiling  to,  and 
professing  a  sort  of  interest  in  the  concerns  of  hundreds  of  people  I 
don't  care  a  rap  for.  Thanks  to  it,  in  short,  I  perform  an  uncounted 
number  of  journeys  in  that  prison-van  I  have  already  alluded  to,  in 
whose  stifling  cells  we  most  of  us  pass  so  much  of  our  unhappy  lives, 
on  our  way,  self-condemned  that  we  are,  to  hard  labour  on  the  Social 
Tread-mill. 

"  When  shall  we  have  the  courage  to  put  down  this  instrument  of 
torture,  as  we'  have  had  the  good  sense  to  abolish  its  infinitely  less 
heart-breaking  prison-equivalent  ? 

"  I  am,  Mr.  Punch, 

"  Yours,  respectfully, 

"A  SUFFERER." 


LEGAL  NEWS. 
(From  the  "  Law  Times.") 

WATERLOO  BRIDGE  has  been  seized — taken  in  execution  for  taxes. 
When  we  heard  this,  we  feared  that  it  must  always  remain  in  captivity, 
for  that  noble  and  solid  structure  never  evinced  the  least  inclination 
to  settle.  However,  the  matter  was  arranged,  and  an  action  for 
trespass  is  to  be  brought ;  for  though  there  could  be  no  objection  to 
the  bailiffs  or  any  one  else  laying  hold  of  the  balustrades,  the  piers  are 
privileged  from  arrest.  There  is  difficulty  about  the  form  of  proceeding, 
for  one  end  of  the  bridge  abuts  on  Surrey,  which  would  seem  to  indi- 
cate a  plea  of  Surrebutter  as  the  remedy,  while  the  general  nature  of 
the  case  points  to  the  Court  of  the  Arches.  The  passengers  who  were 
on  the  bridge  at  the  time  of  its  seizure,  were  taken  as  live-stock,  but 
have,  we  understand,  been  replevied,  except  MR.  WM.  WILLIAMS,  M.P., 
who  was  crossing,  and  who  insisted  upon  being  taken  at  a  valuation, 
which,  being  his  own,  was  found  so  exorbitant,  that  no  terms  could  be 
come  to,  and  at  a  late  hour  of  the  night  the  honourable  member  was 
swopped  for  a  donkey,  which  a  respectable  costermonger  was  riding,  a 
bargain  conceived  to  be  so  beneficial  to  the  bridge  owners,  that  the 
gain  on  this  transaction  alone  will  defray  all  the  expense  of  the  trial 
at  law. 

Wordy  and  Verdi. 

A  MUSICAL  purist  says :— "  We  have  already  had  VERDI'S  music 
without  the  words,  but  I  think  if  we  could  now  have  a  Concert  of 
VERBI'S  words  without  the  music,  that  it  would  be  much  more  popular, 
and  infinitely  more  musical,  of  the  two  ! "  We  all  know  the  Maw- 
worm-like  love  that  Exeter  Hall  cherishes  for  unpopularity,  or  else 
that  Temple  of  Hypocrisy  would  take  a  few  concerted  measures  to 
carry  out  the  above  notion. 


"SEQUITURQUE    NELSON   HAUD  PASSIBDS   JSQU1S." 

ADMIRAL  HORATIO  NELSON  (of  the  Nile)  in  one  of  his  last  letters  on 
shore,  says,  in  reference  to  tactics,  "  1  always  endeavour  to  inculcate 
the  doctrine— Get  Close."  ADMIRAL  CHARLES  NAPIER  (of  South- 
w-ark)  in  laudable  compliance  with  this  injunction,  has  got  so  close 
that,  according  to  certain  complainants  in  the  police  court,  he  won't 
even  pay  for  his  election  cabs. 


Thereby  Hangs  a  Tail. 

THE  Edinburgh  Review  has  transferred  its  Whig  fealty  from  JOHN 
RUSSELL  to  PALMERSTON.  This  is  not  fickleness,  but  mere  trade  com- 
petition The  Quarterly  last  time,  had  a  good  article  on  Rats,  which 
was  applauded,  so  now  the  Edinburgh  comes  out  all  Rat. 


MAT  1C,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


193 


THE    NEW    MEMBERS'    GUIDE    TO    PARLIAMENT. 

O  a  retired  and  much 
respected  cx-M.P. — 
a  gentleman  who  a- 

•hes  of 

St.  Stephens  for  nearly 
half-a-ceutury — we  arc 
obliged  for  the  fol- 
lowing hints  on  Par- 
liamentary etiquette, 
t  hat  may  be  very  use- 
ful in  the  present  ses- 
sion, when  so  many 
gentlemen  for  the  first 
time,  find  themselves 
law  makers. 

It  is  not  allowed  to 
enter  the  llou^e  with 
a  cigar  in  your  mouth. 
A  point  was  once  raised 
to  try  the  question  of 
tobacco  byCaHELius 
O'LiFFEY,  who  i 
the  Speaker  with  a 
short  pipe,  and  was 
taken  into  custody  by 
the  Serjeant -at -Arms 
for  unconstitutional 
smoking.  He  passed  the  remainder  of  the  session  in  the  Tower  in  ease,  contempt, 
and  defiance  of  his  creditors. 

Dogs  we  not  admitted,  whether  muzzled  or  in  a  string.  An  honourable 
member  had  to  beg  pardon  of  the  honourable  assembly  for  bringing  with  him  a 
wire-haired  terrier  ;  he  apologised  by  stating,  that  he  had  brought  the  dog  for  a 
laudable  purpose,  having  observed  that  the  honourable  House  was  much  infested 
by  rats. 

It  is  permitted  to  sleep  in  your  seat,  but  not  even  to  dream  that  the  House  of 
Commons  is  a  House  of  the  People. 

Practical  jokes  are  forbidden.  With  every  facility  to  pick  the  public  purse,  it  is 
not  to  be  borne  that  you  are,  for  any  purpose  whatever,  to  put  your  hand  in  your 
neighbour's  pocket.  Honest,  straightforward  political  warfare  is  laudable,  but 
notuing  could  be  more  dastardly  than  the  conduct  of  the  Honourable  Member  for 


-  ,  who  in  a  late  session  signalised  the  coat-tails  of  ,Mn. 
I'liKM  .  ,  by  appending  thereto  a—  muff. 

I'ntfrr  in  the  pewler  is  not  allowed;  but,  if  quietly  and 
judiciously  effected,  then1  is  no  rule  against  any  Honour- 
able Member  blowing  out  the  brains  he  may  have  with  a 
pocket-pistol. 

Too  much  respect  cannot  be  exacted  for  MK.  SIT.AKI.I: 
Hence,  it  is  considered  coarse  and  unmannerly  to  dis'urli 
•  him  in  his  wholesome  slumber*.     Though,  from  In 
Urbanity,  he  ••.  and  then  expected  to  "  be  pleaded 

1  with  a  feather,"  he  i-.  under  no  pretence  whatever,  while 
asleep,  to  be  "tickled  with  a  straw." 

i  may  be  consumed  ;  but  it  is  to  be 

hoped  that  the  example  of  the  late  Member  for  -  ,  will 
not  he  followed;  who,  to  show  his  for  civil  and 

religious  liberty  during  a  debate  on  the  Jews'  liisa!; 

.  entered  the  House  with  it  net  full  of  lemons.     True 
wit   is   alwins  \\clecme  in  i  lie    llc.u  .rnons,  but 

nothing  could  be  more  coarse  or  shallow  than  the  conduct 
of  the  late  Member  for  -  ,  who,  during  the  .lews'  debate, 
placed  three  hats  upon  the  venerable;  head  of  MK. 


Any  Member  is  liable  to  be  taken  info  custody  who 
strews  the  tloor  of  the  House  with  detonating  balls;  as  in 
no  case,  when  it  can  he  helped,  is  a  Mi  mher  to  be  more 
distinguished  for  noi.se  than 

There  is  no  standing  order  against  the  custom,  but  it  is 
not  thought  polite  to  play  at  cup-and-ball  on  the  back 
benches  ;  or  during  the  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer's 
exposition  of  his  Budget,  to  blow  bubbles  of  soap-and- 
watcr. 


Inscrutable. 

THE  mystery  of  the  following  advertisement  is  so  utterly 
unfathomable,  that  in  the  blankest  despair  we  resign  all 
attempt  at  solution : — 

'TO  obtain  Delicate  Pork  and  New  Laid  Eggs  every  day, 
-«-    feed  your  fowls  Bud  pigs  on  Fresh  GraTes. 

Is — are— do — fowls — or— but  no — pork  from  fowls — eggs 
from  pigs — graves — Ghouls — No ! — we  give  the  whole  thing 
up.  These  are  strange  times,  brethren  ! 


therefrom,  under  the  notice  of  educated  readers.  The  Greek  was  very 
good  Greek  for  the  public-house — accents,  and  breathings,  and  circum- 
flexes, all  elegantly  laid  on ;  but  the  Advertiser  claims  influence  with 
members  of  T^arliiiment  and  others  who  have  been  at  College,  and 
the  paper's  weight  with  the  Governing  Classes  must  be  sadly  injured  by 
this  exposure.  We  think  there  is  a  clear  case  against  the  Saturday 
Review,  and  strongly  recommend  immediate  proceedings.  The  help- 
lessness of  the  injured  party  adds  to  t  he  cruelty ;  to  say  not  hing  of  the 
ingratitude  of  thus  treating  a  journal  which,  by  its  own  admission,  has 
saved  the  country  at  least  nineteen  times  up  to  the  end  of  last  week,  i 


TRAGEDY   IN  FLEET   STREET. 

THERE  will/be  some  fearful  work  at  ths  approaching  quarterly  meetin-r 
when  the  Licensed  Witlers  edit  the  editor  of  their  paper,  the  Morning 
Advertiser.  That  remarkable  journal  has  always  foamed,  like  a  full 
pot  of  newly-drawn  ale,  against  Popery  and  Pusevism,  though,  by  a 
cuiious  paradox,  the  Tiger's  Protestantism  has  usually  seemed  without 
a  Head  to  it.  But  that  zeal  which  is  not  according  to  knowledge, 
especially  the  knowledge  of  the  classic  languages,  sometimes  leads 
people  into  difficulties,  and  the  Advertiser's  Random  Recollections  of 
the  Greek  Alphabet  have  been  so  random  as  to  help  the  journal  into 
one  of  the  most  unseemly  scrapes  on  record. 

A  ludicrous  theory  advanced  by  one  of  the  gushing  writers  in  the 
Xfser,  and  intended  to  bring  certain  Puseyite  practices  into  con- 
tempt, excited  the  malice  ot  "some  persons  unknown,"  but  sup- 
posed to  be  clerical  contributors  to  the  Saturday  Review.  They  sent 
the  editor  of  the  7Y«v,  in  support  of  his  view,  a  series  of  letters,  in 
which  mock  authorities  were  paraded,  mock  references  given,  and  ,  w^a  The 
at  last,  the  innocent  organ  of  Bungdom  unsuspectingly  inserting  the  of  gambler.'  MB.  WILDS 

wicked  epistles,  the  victimisers  finished  off  with  an  Italian's  COmmuni-  I  'he    rule  tor  a  new  trial  obtained  by  MR.   SERJEANT   BYLBS,  with  whom    was 
cation  of  a  passage  in  Greek,  "erroneously  attributed  to  ATHBNJETJS."  |  MR  HONBVJIAN. 

flay tuL\UforthbtihatCd  '"  ^ irreVCrenCC' have  a  habit  °f  chanting      " ™«"  3SSK3S  ££&?£££££• 

What  a  bale  is,  most  people  know,  but  few,  probably,  have  any  idea 
of  what  gambier  is,  nor  would  care  to  have  any,  if  they  thought  that 
counsel  would  take  four  days  to  explain  the  nature  of  that  article  to 
them,  and  that  they  themselves  would  have  to  take  an  indefinite  time 

...  afterwards  to  consider  the  explanation.     The  case  was  argued  before 

which  possibly  knows  better  than  anybody   the  Court  of  Common  Pleas.    If  the  prolix  argument  maintained  in 
tins  verse,  or  one  of  its  variations  suggested  the  Greek  !  GORBISEN  r>.  PERRIN,  is  a  common  kind  of  plea,  the  unhappy  Court, 
oonceneP oMI,o  r^  *  ttr^uted  to  ^.^^  ;^t  ^  this  upon  the  |  to  which    such    pleas    arc    common,  is    deserving  of   t£ .utmost 
conscience  ot  the  reverend  hoaxers.    The  Advertiser  gave  m  Us   best !  compassion 
type  the  Greek  thus  supposed  to  be  suggested,  and  which  was  advanced  ' 
as  an  auti-Puseyite  argument.    There  it  stands,  in  the  journal,  and  we 
have  not  even  heard  that  this  time  the  proprietors  have  sought  to  efface 
tnememonal  of  a  betite  by  buying  up  the  copies  in  circulation. 


KILLING  TIME  BY  INCHES. 

THE  subjoined  interesting  case  is  extracted  from  the  Law  Report 
of  the  Times  .— 

"GORRISES  v.  PERRIN." 
"This  case,  the  argument  in  which  has  partly  occupied  four  days,  was  concluded 


"  NlBnCHADNEZZAR, 

The  Kinjr  of  the  Jews, 

Had  three  piir  of  stockings, 

And  four  pair  of  shoes." 


•  -  —  »•  -  —  i/ ---o  —  f  "«'"  copies  in  v.  ii  \  11  KH  HM  i. 

What  will  the  quarterly  meeting  of  Witlers  say  to  this?  Mr. 
Punch,  recommends  an  action  against  the  Saturday  Review,  which  has 
reprinted  the  whole  set  of  letters  with  the  most  mischievous  care,  and 
thereby  brought  the  victimisation,  and  the  inferences  to  be  drawn 


Editors  who  have  Seen  the  World. 


THE  Grand  DUKE  CONSTANT-INK  has  brought  with  him  to  Paris 
editors  of  the  principal  newspapers  at  St.  Petersburg,  Moscow,  and 
Odessa.  By  the  orders  of  the  EMPKROR  they  have  been  placed  in  the 
office  of  the  Monitew,  and  are  under  due  tuition,  making  very  great 
progress  backwards.  A  little  more  and  they  will  step  into  chaos. 


194 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  16,  1857. 


Mamma.  "\VHT,  TOM  !  WHAT  ARE  YOU  DOING  WITH  THAT  NASTY  DUST-PAN  AND  BKOOM  ? ' 
Tom.  "  BROTHER  FRED  TOLD  ME  TO  BRING  IT  IN  AND  SWEEP  UP  ALL  THE  H's  MRS.  Morns 
HAD  DROPPED  ABOUT  !" — (N.B.  Great  Expectations  from  Mrs.  if.)   . 


HOPE    FOR  THE   NEAPOLITANS. 

THE  MARQUESS  TOWNSHEND,  moving  the 
Address,  said  among  other  things— 

"  Although  it  was  dreadful  to  contemplate  the  infamous 
baibaritiea  which  were  committed  in  Naples,  the  people 
of  this  country  could  only  look  on,  and  trust  that  Pro- 
vidence might  see  fit,  in  its  own  good  time,  to  restrain 
the  excesses  of  the  Neapolitan  Government." 

A  trust  in  Providence  is,  doubtless,  religious ; 
pious.  "  Hope,"  said  COLERIDGE,  and  he  never 
said  a  finer  thing,  "  is  a  duty ; "  but  action  is  no 
less  a  duty.  If  the  MARQUESS  TOWNSHEXD  had 
a  dear  friend  smitten  with  a  fever,  shivering  with 
an  ague  fit,  it  would  of  course  be  his  duty  to 
trust  for  his  friend's  restoration  to  health  to  the 
beneficence  of  Providence ;  but  nevertheless,  we 
take  it,  lie  would  not  fail  to  send  for  the  doctor ; 
who  might  administer  pills,  powders,  and  quinine. 
Now,  we  take  it  that  when  we  withdrew  our 
Ambassador,  the  Neapolitans  expected  of  us 
something  move  in  their  favour  than  our  trust  in 
Providence.  We  think  it  in  no  way  improbable 
that  they  rather  looked  for  the  threatened 
prescription  of  powder  and  ball  and  bark  of 
British  broadsides. 


Convocation. 

WK  understand  that  at  the  last  performance  of 
this  ceremony,  MR.  CHARLES  KEAX  was  present, 
and  has  resolved  to  reproduce  it  between  the 
third  and  fourth  acts  of  Henry  7  III.,  himself 
taking  the  part  of  the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury. 
He  will,  with  pardonable  licence,  introduce  a 
jester;  though  for  ourselves,  we  think  at  this 
time  of  day,  the  ceremony  itself  is  quite  beyond 
a  joke. 


MARRIAGE    AND    ITS    DIFFICULTIES. 

"  MB.  PUNCH, 

"  As  one  of  the  unprotected  sex,  allow  me  to  say  a  few  words 
upon  some  very  nice  letters  that  have  appeared  in  the  Times  upon  what 
I  will  venture  to  call  Marriage  and  its  Difficulties.  Marriages  would 
be  easy  enough,  and  the  difficulties  none,  if  they  were  not  set  up  by 
the  pride,  and  show,  and  folly  of  the  people  themselves.  Whereas 
how  many  a  fair  creature  bom  for  the  milk  of  maternal  kindness  has 
had  her  name  written  on  the  old  maid's  list  in  lemon-juice  ?  But  the 
great  difficulty  of  marriage — and  never  was  the  difficulty  so  great,  and 
I  must  add,  so  wicked,  as  at  the  present  time — is  dress,  the  wife's 
dress.  Gowns,  Mr.  Punch,  are  at  the  bottom  of  the  evil,  as,  if  you  use 
your  eyes — as  I  and  all  the  world  know  you  do — you  cannot  but  see. 

"  Some  time  ago,  they  talked  of  the  Trench  coming  over  and  invading 
us.  Mr.  Punch,  we  'hare  been  invaded,  and  nobody  knows  what 
trouble  and  anxiety  carried  among  tens  of  thousands  of  people.  To 
be  sure,  we  haven't  had  our  house-tops  knocked  off  by  bomb-shells ;  and 
haven't  had  to  pack  dragoons  into  our  best  bed-rooms,  as  I  have  read 
NAPOLEON  always  insisted  upon,  carrying  fire  and  bayonets  into  the 
bosoms  of  peaceful  families.  But  I  don't  know  if  we  haven't  had  a 
much  worse  invasion  than  this ;  for  we  've  been  invaded  and  carried 
right  off  our  feet  bv  the  French  Empress  and  an  army  of  milliners. 
Don't  tell  me ;  band-boxes  may  be  worse  than  bomb-shells. 

"  In  the  first  place,  look  how  the  Empress,  by  the  manner  of  dressing 
hei  hair,  has  turned  the  heads  of  Englishwomen.  With  their  hair 
pulled  so  far  back  that,  they  can't  see  even  the  tips  of  their  shoes,  they 
look  like  so  many  half-shaven  owls,  only  nothing  half  so  wise.  Yet 
all  this  I  could  forgive,  but  for  the  Empress's  petticoat  that  makes 
every  woman  who  wears  it  look  like  a  diving  bell  and  nothing  else : 
a  petticoat  that,  when  it  isn't  blown  up  with  bellows — as  if  a  woman 
was  no  better  than  an  omelette  sovfflee — is  fenced  round  about  with 
steel.  I  shall  soon  expect  to  see  petticoats  of  nothing  else  but 
woven  wire,  like  a  meat-safe.  But  as  it  is,'  I  ask  is  it  pretty,  is  it 
comely,  is  it  modest,  for  a  woman  to  take  to  herself  more  than  ten 
times  the  space  in  the  world  than  ever  nature  intended  for  her  ?  And 
you  will  see  wives  and  mothers  do  this ! — Mothers,  I  say,  of  families, 
with  petticoats  like  hencoops  about  them.  But  this — this  we  owe 
to  the  invasion  of  the  Trench. 

"  I  now  come,  Mr.  Punch,  to  gowns.  How  is  it  possible  that, 
taking  one  with  the  other,  women  can  afford  to  wear  the  gowns  they 
do?  But  their  fathers  and  their  husbands  can't  afford  it;  and  we 
know  nothing  of  the  pinching,  and  the  misery,  and  too  often  the  total 


destruction  that,  I'm  sure  of  it,  comes  of  this  peacock  love  of  show 
with  all  the  eyes  of  the  world  upon  it.  You  shall  see  the  wife  of  a 
clerk  of  a  couple  of  hundred  a-year  with  a  gown  upon,  her  back  that 
cost  ten  pounds  over  the  counter,  without  the  trimming,  iaik  ot  _a 
skeleton  in  the  house  !  How  often  is  this  skeleton  drest  in  the  wite  s 
gown!  And  it  is  this  love  of  finery  on  the  part  of  women  that 
frightens  sensible  men  of  moderate  means  from  having  anything  to  do 
with  them.  And  then  you  shall  hear  women  complain  that  they  are 
not,  as  they  call  it.  intellectually  considered!  With  some  of  them, 
if  I  were  a'man,  I  should  as  soon  think  of  the  intellect  of  a  humming- 
bird—the brains  of  a  parrot.  But  this  love  of  fine  feathers  has 
become  such  a  madness  that,  as  I  once  heard  the  REV.  MB.  MAKXALIPS 
declare,  there  are  some  women  who  would  rather  go  to  Pandemonium 
in  full  dress  than  to  Paradise  in  a  gingham. 

"  And  it  is  this  desire  for  show,  this  stupid  cowardice,  that  has 
yielded  to  the  French  invasion,  that  makes  many  of  the  difficulties  ot 
marriage  Oh,  Mr.  Punch,  when  Ishall  I  see  anything  like  the  sim- 
plicity of  my  youth,  when  the  sweet  English  face  was  clustered  about 
bv  curls,  and  the  pretty  creature  looked  so  pure  and  happy  in  hat 
modest  gown  of  white  muslin  and  her  quiet  little  cottage  bonnet  ot 
chip,  and  on  her  head,  besides  ?  Tell  me  when  I  shall  see  this,  and 
you  will  make  entirely  happy 

"  Your  constant  reader, 

"  JANE  MATILDA." 


A  British  Nursery  Khyme. 

Suggested  liy  the  late  Proceedings  in  Bankruptcy. 

HUMPHRY  so  glumpy  obeyed  the  Court's  call, 
And  the  song  he  there  sang  was  exceedingly  small : 
Now  all  the  QUEEN'S  Counsel,  with  tongue  or  with  pen, 
Couldn't  bring  back  to  HUMPHRY  his  good  name  again. 


A  Yankee  Vatican. 

THE  Mormons  regard  BRIGIIAM  YOUXG  as  the  successor  of  JOE 
SMITH,  and  JOE  SMITH  as  the  vicegerent  of  Heaven.  It  would  be  an 
interesting  question  to  propound  to  a  rapping  spirit,  whether  Mor- 
monism  will,  or  not,  ever  become  a  great  ecclesiastical  organisation, 
and,  if  it  does,  whether  the  United  States  will  not  one  of  these  days, 
have  to  conclude  a  Concordat  with  Utah  ? 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MAT  16,  1857. 


THE    NEW    BROOM. 


MB.  BULL.  "  NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP WELL,  WELL,  WE  SHALL  SEE." 


MAY  16,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


197 


A    TILT    AT    THE    TOLL-GATES. 

E  shall  hardly  be 
accused  of  any 
novelty  of  senti- 
ment, if  we  say  we 
think  JOHN  BULL 
is  somewhat  in- 
consistent. As  an 
instance  out  of 
some  few  dozen 
that  occur  to  one, 
we  who  are  forever 
lyrically  boasting 
thut  the  Briton 
may  traverse  the 
pole  or  the  zone  as 
free  as  his  native 
air,  yet  cannot 
take  an  hour's 
drive  in  any  part 
of  our  own  king- 
dom without  being 
stopped  by  a  toll- 
bar  to  our  pro- 
gress, and  there 
being  detained 
until,  having  paid 
our  footing,  we  are  made  free  of  the  road,  and  are  permitted  to 
proceed  on  it.  However  wide  it  may,  ostensibly,  be  open  to  all 
comers,  still  only  a  moneyed  man  may  ride  through  a  toll-gate.  Set 
a  beggar  on  horseback  anywhere  in  England,  and  within  five  minutes 
from  liis  starting  he  will  have  to  pull  up  at  a  pike,  or  will  be  pulled 
up  if  he  doesn't.  At  a  meeting  held  the  other  day  to  petition  for  an 
act  for  the  removal  of  these  nuisances,  it  was  stated  for  the  benefit  of 
those  who  like  statistics,  that : — 

'*  There  are  at  present  no  loss  than  one  hundred  and  seventeen  toll-gates  within 
a  radius  of  not  more  than  six  miles  from  Charing  Cross." 

It  is  pretty  clear  then  that  no  Paterfamilias  within  ear-shot  of  Bow 
Bells  can  ever  drive  out  for  an  airing  with  the  MKS.  and  the  MISSES 
P.,  without  being  stopped  by  some  naif-dozen  licensed  highwaymen, 
each  of  whom  commands  him  to  stand  and  deliver.  Every  other  mile 
or  so  he  has  his  horse  thrown  on  his  haunches,  and  finds  a  fresh 
demand  made  for  his  money  or  his  wife's.  It  was  a  mark  of  the 
benevolence  of  the  elder  Mil.  WELLEK,  that  he  viewed  a  turnpike-gate 
keeper  merely  as  a  sort  of  misanthropical  recluse.  To  our  mind,  he 
seems  less  a  TIMON  than  a  TURPIN  ;  and  every  time  he  stops  us,  he 
commits  a  double  .highway  robbery,  as  he  not  only  takes  our  money, 
but  likewise  robs  us  of  our  time,  which  proverbially  is  money  also. 

But  to  aggravate  matters,  and  heighten  the  temperature  of  our  just 
wrath  and  indignation  to  almost  boiling-over  point,  we  learn  from  what 
another  speaker  is  reported  to  have  said  at  the  meeting  we  have  men- 
tioned, that — 

"  These  gates  are  kept  up  not  for  the  use  or  benefit  of  the  public,  but  to  enable 
an  old  and  worn-out  Commission  to  expend  money  and  to  enjoy  the  sweets  ol 
office." 

So  the  pikes  are  preserved  for  jacks  in  office  to  grow  fat  on !  Hearing 
this,  we  need  no  further  argument  to  induce  every  reader  to  enrol  as  a 
Rebecca ;  or,  in  other  words,  join  the  Toll  Reform  Association,  which 
is  pledged  to  present  us  with  the  freedom  of  the  country.  The  tolls 
throughout  the  kingdom  are  as  great  a  nuisance  as  the  Chimes  in  a 
Puseyite  vicinity ;  and  as  this  is  to  be  a  reformatory  Parliament,  we 
hope  to  see  some  sweeping  measure  passed  to  sweep  away  these  ves- 
tiges of  a  dark  age  creation.  With  the  words  we  have  quoted  stil] 
ringing  in  our  ears,  we  shall  not  be  easy  in  our  minds  until  we  hear 
that  at  St.  Stephens'  has  been  tolled  the  knell  of  tolls. 


HOW  FASHIONS  VARY. 

THE  Fashion  changes  with  every  place  you  visit.  Par  exempts,  you 
may  keep  your  hat  on  at  Evans's;  but'it  is  scarcely  considered  gooc 
manners  to  do  so  at  the  Opera.  You  may  whistle  and  join  in  "  Got, 
save  the  Queen  "  at  the  Promenade  Concerts  ;  but  the  same  taste  is  nol 
expected  of  you  at  the  Philharmonic.  Any  one  is  at  liberty  to  call  oul 
"  Brayvo,  WEIGHT  ! "  at  the  Adelphi,  but  the  same  exclamation  woulc 
be  considered  a  little  out  of  place  at  Exeter  Hall.  A  cigar  may  be 
lighted  with  great  effect  in  the  corridor  of  the  Surrey,  when  the 
audience  is  pouring  out,  but  you  would  hardly  attempt  such  a  thing  in 
the  crush-room  of  Her  Majesty's  Theatre. 


PRETTY  EXCUSE  FOE  A  WIFE  BEATEK.— Tke  treasure  which  we 
value  most  we  hide. 


PARCHMENT  PRACTICE. 

TIIE  innocent  sheep!  To  how  much  human  rascality  is  it  made  to 
minister !  To  what  lell  purposes  does  man  apply  its  cuticle,  shorn  of 
ts  wool  and  dressed  for  parchment !  When  we  think  of  the  sins,  the 
iniquities,  the  affronts  and  outrages  of  common  sense  that  are,  in  due 
time,  laid  upon  its  back ;  when  we  reflect  that  what  once  cropped  the 
odorous  thyme,  that  what  once  in  its  innocence  "lick'd  the  hand  jus! 
raised  to  shed  its  blood,"  now  bears  all  the  awful  responsibility  of 
Doctors'  Commons,  the  sheep  loses  the  guilelessness  of  its  character 
and  becomes  more  terrible  than  the  most  fabulous  of  dragons.  Poor 
sheep !  And  yet  it  has  an  instinct  of  what,  in  its  p;\tcli>n''ia  condition, 
awaits  it.  For  to  this  instinct  is  no  doubt  referable  tlie  fact,  possibly 
hitherto  unknown  to  our  readers,  that  by  no  number  of  drovers  aided 
and  assisted  by  an  unlimited  supply  of  dogs,  is  it  possible  to  drive 
a  flock  or  any  part  of  a  flock  of  sheep  up  Chancery  Lane ;  the  animals 
so  persistently  boggling  and  bolting  at  the  law  stationers.  Poor  things  ! 
they  no  doubt  smell  the  ink,  even  as  at  the  butcher's  threshold,  they 
pause  and  shiver,  snuffing  the  blood. 

Thinking  of  the  uses,  abuses,  and  purposes  of  parchment,  we  have 
often  chewed  the  cud  of  melancholy  in  pastoral  ways,  and  felt  tin; 
rising  sigh  on  southern  downs.  But  with  this  keen  and  tender  sense 
of  the  after  wrongs  of  the  sheep,  we  had  yet  to  learn  another  trick  of 
which  it  is  made  the  passive  agent.  There  was  whilom  in  existence 
an  Athenseum  Life  Insurance.  We  believe  that  Minerva  herself  had 
no  shares  in  the  Institution,  noi  can  we  determine  whether  even  her 
owl  was  on  the  board  of  directors.  Be  this  as  it  may,  the  Athenaeum 
has  collapsed ;  the  "  owl-droppings,"  as  MB.  CARLYLE  woidd  say,  have 
ceased  for  all  time,  and  now  comes  an  examination  of  the  causes  that 
have  determined  and  ended  the  benevolent  institution.  It  appears 
that  the  parchment  of  the  institution  had  been  tampered  with ;  a 
sheet  removed  or  inserted,  and  that  so  cunningly  as  to  defy  detection. 
The  possibility  of  this  knavish  piece  of  work  was  doubted,  when  a 
law-stationer,  with  a  sweet  confidence,  and  a  no  less  deep  knowledge 
of  parchment  practice,  gave  his  testimony.  Listen  to  him.  Apollo, 
when  he  kept  sheep,  never  piped  to  the  living  vellum  more  blithely  : — 

"  MB.  CHARLES  SHAW,  Law  Stationer,  had  had  great  experience  in  deeds  of 
settlement  and  their  binding.  Had  bound  up  some  hundreds  in  the  course  of  his 
time,  and  he  could,  without  any  difficulty,  insert  a  sheet  of  parchment  in  a  deed 
and  remove  it  subsequently  without  leaving  any  traces.  He  had,  in  fact,  done  it — 
(a  laugh} — «nd  without  menttoning  names,  he  might  state  that  a  thest  was  placed  in  on', 
without  unbinding  it,  on  taut  Good  Friday.  (Sensation.)  By  whose  direction  he  did  not 
know,  but  he  altered  it,  and  put  it  in  another  place" 

The  coolness  of  ME.  SHAW  would  make  him  a  delightful  companion 
in  the  d9g-days.  And  then  how  charming  his  delicacy.  "  Without 
mentioning  names ! "  Nothing  could  be  more  considerate.  A  worker 
in  iron  might  say,  "  without  mentioning  names,  I  'm  in  the  habit  of 
supplying  certain  gentlemen  with  picklocks."  And  what  a  parchment 
deed  for  Good  Friday !  We  will  not  ask  ME.  SHAW  whether,  even  for 
a  moment,  he  pondered'on  Him  who  suffered  for  the  sins  of  all  men, 
kw-stationers  included,  but  it  is  not  impossible  that  a  thought  may- 
have  wandered  to  the  criminals  on  the  right  hand,  and  on  the  left. 


A  COUPLE  OF  REASONS. 

FATHER  VENTURA,  in  the  course  of  a  sermon  preached  at  the 
Tuileries,  said,  talking  of  the  two  NAPOLEON  empires, — 

"  The  first  reigned  oy  the  reason  of  force,  the  second  reigns  by  the  fbroe  of 

ruasun." 

We  will  not  stop  'to  inquire  which  of  the  two  empires  has  the 
greater  "  reason "  to  be  proud  of  its  reign,  but  we  must  take  the 
liberty  of  doubting  the  extent  of  that  vaunted  reason,  which,  under 
the  second  NAPOLEON,  has  not  yet  produced  a  single  author,  a  single 
poet,  a  single  orator,  or  a  single  great  man  of  any  European  note. 
With  the  liberty  of  the  press  prohibited,  with  the  police  system  in  full 
force  throughout  every  grade  of  society,  it  would  be  perfectly  useless 
to  ask  Reason  to  name  any  of  the  mighty  deeds  that  have  been  accom- 
plished during  its  brilliant  reign,  for  she  has  no  voice  in  the  Senate  or 
elsewhere,  to  answer  the  question  with.  The  only  reason  the  Second 
Empire  can  truthfully  boast  of  is— La  Raiton  du  plus  fort.  In  that 
respect  we  are  bound  to  acknowledge  that  Louis  NAPOLEON  a  toujours 
raison.  Viewed  in  any  other  light,  if  Reason  shines  at  present  in 
France  it  must  be,  as  the  French  themselves  would  say,  that  elte  brille 
par  son  absence, 

Musical  Treat. 

AMONGST  many  other  interesting  items  of  intelligence  respecting 
music  on  the  Continent,  we  read  that 

"  CAIIRION  has  had  a  complete  ovation  in  La  Somnumbula." 

La  Somttambula  is  generally  considered  a  very  sweet  Opera ;  but  its 
sweetness  must  be  of  a  peculiar  kind,  seeing  that  it  appears  to  have 
been  rendered  all  the  sweater  by  CARRION. 


193 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  16,  1857. 


NEW  COAT-OF-ARMS  FOE  SIR  CHARLES  WOOD. 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

May  1th,  Thursday.  The  swearing  which  MR.  SPEAKER  DEMSON 
had  been  countenancing  for  a  week  was  suddenly  checked  to-day. 
HER  MAJESTY,  happily  convalescent,  left  London  for  the  sea  breezes 
of  Osborne,  but  also  left  a  Speech  behind  Her,  which  the  LORD  CHAN- 
CELLOR CRANWORTH  was  ordered  to  read  to  Parliament.  As  the 
QUEEN  was  not  to  be  present,  Mr.  Punch  did  not  think  it  worth  while 
to  go  down,  though,  had  his  Royal  Mistress  been  able  to  attend, 
nothing  would  have  prevented  his  taking  his  accustomed  place  among 
the  bishops,  in  order  to  give  Her  that  wink  of  encouragement  and 
loyalty  which  She  notoriously  regards  as  the  chief  bulwark  of  Her 
throne.  He  went  into  the  Royal  Academy,  instead,  and  contemplated 
MR.  STANFIELD'S  glorious  picture  of  the  Armada  ships  on  the  Irish 
rocks,  until  a  young  nobleman  of  the  name  of  SMITH,  whom  he  had 
ordered  to  look  alive  for  the  purpose,  brought  him  the  Globe,  with  the 
Speech,  remarking  (when  permission  was  given  him  to  do  so)  that 
CRANWORTH  had  bungled  and  stumbled  over  the  Address  in  a  most  dis- 
graceful manner,  a  statement  confirmed  by  the  Times  next  morning. 

A  glance  at  the  Speech  showed  that  there  was  nothing  in  it.  The 
chief  part  of  it  was  written  bv  LORD  CLARENDON,  and  was  devoted  to 
telling  things  which  everybody  knew  or  nobody  cared  about.  Here 
they  are. 

We  are  at  Peace. 

It  seems  likely  to  last. 

The  stipulations  of  the  Treaty  are  fulfilled. 

Switzerland  has  bribed  CLICQUOT  to  be  quiet. 

We  have  done  nothing  in  re  Central  America. 

We  have  signed  a  treaty  with  Persia. 

We  send  out  ELGIN,  and  forces,  to  China. 

We  compound  for  the  Sound  Dues. 

QUEEN  ANNE  is  no  more. 

Besides  this  news,  which  may  even  be  read  in  the  Morning.  Herald 
by  this  time,  there  was  the  usual  mention  of  the  Estimates  (the  two 
PEELS,  ROBERT,  Lord  of  the  Admiralty,  and  FREDERICK,  Under- 
secretary for  War.  have  both  resigned,  so  the  Navy  and  Army  must 
get  on  as  they  can)  and  the  equally  stereotype  information  that  some 
reform  of  the  law  must  be  effected,  and  that  everything  is  going  on 
exceedingly  well.  This  latter  proposition,  considering  that  we  are 
sitting  before  roasting  fires  in  the  middle  of  May,  indicated  a  want  of 
common  sense  that  pointed  out  CRANWORTH  himself  as  the  author  of 
the  concluding  paragraphs.  So  Mr.  Punch  presented  the  Globe  to  the 
young  nobleman  of  the  name  of  SMITH,  in  toe  simple  to  him  and  his 


heirs  for  ever,  as  a  small  token  of  respect  and  esteem,  and  resumed  his 
tete-a-tete  with  STANPIELD. 

At  night  he  went  into  the  Lords.  The  Address  was  moved  by  LORD 
TOWNSHEND,  who  said,  among  other  things,  that  he  should  not  mind 
seeing  a  Jew  in  that  House,  a  curious  speech  from  a  sailor,  whose 
Hebraic  antipathies  are  usually  rather  strongly  developed.  LORD 
PORTSMOUTH  seconded,  and  one  might  more  reasonably  have  expected 
that  Portsmouth  would  say  somsthing  for  the  Jews.  But  ISAAC 
NEWTON  FELLOWES  (a  descendant  o(  great  ISAAC,  and  few  noblemen 
have  so  brilliant  a  pedigree)  had  nothing  to  say  for  "  little  ISAAC."  LORD 
MALMESBURY  came  out  with  a  complaint  that  LORD  PALMERSTON 
had  laughed  at  him  and  his  party  for  their  factious  attempts  upon 
office,  and  LORD  GRANVILLE  defended  PAM.  LORD  CLANRICAHDE 
deplored  certain  attacks  upon  GENERAL  ASHBURNHAM,  who  commands 
the  Chinese  expedition,  and  whom  L9RD  PANMURE  declared  to  be  a 
well  qualified  officer.  EARL  GREY  emitted  some  surly  twaddle  against 
the  Chinese  War,  and  LORD  ALHEMARLE  demanded  why  they  were 
told  nothing  about  Reform.  If  he  had  waited  for  a  reply  he  might 
have  waited  till  now—  for  the  Lords  agreed  to  the  Address,  and 
adjourned. 

In  the  Commons  MR.  HAYTER  delivered  the  real  Speech  from  the 
Throne.  He  announced  Governmental  measures  on  Transportation, 
Hudson's  Bay,  Savings'  Banks,  the  Board  of  Health,  the  Jew  Oath, 
Trustee  Fraud,  and  Insurance  Companies. 

The  Debate  on  the  Address  was  opened  by  MR.  DODSON—  -decidedly 
no  connection  of  FOGG,  for  he  spoke  very  lucidly.  MR.  BUCHANAN, 
selected  in  compliment  to  the  President  of  America  (at  least,  there 
seemed  no  other  reason),  seconded  :  and  good  old  GENERAL  THOMP- 
SON —  who  was  a  Reformer  not  only  before  it  was  fashionable,  but  when 
it  was  proscription  to  be  one,  and  whose  admirable  Corn-Law  writings 
prepared  the  way  for  the  showier  and  better  paid  champions  that  came  | 
in  at  the  death  —  made  a  quaint  little  protest  against  the  Chinese  War, 
very  good-humouredly  received  ;  for  he  is  a  brave  soldier,  in  two  senses 
:if  the  word,  and  has  earned  the  right  to  have  his  crotchets  treated  [ 
kindly  when  bumptious  blockheads  are  properly  kicked  for  theirs. 
LOBD  ROBERT  GROSVENOR,  knowing  that  LORD  PALMERSTON  was 
going  to  promise  a  Reform  bill,  boldly  announced  that  his  constituents 
demanded  Reform.  He  also  stated  that  he  should  bring  in  a  bill  to 
render  it  unlawful  for  candidates  at  elections  to  pay  for  the  con- 
veyances that  bring  up  the  voters,  or  to  defray  the  cost  of  erecting 
hustings.  There  is  sense  in  the  first  of  these  propositions,  but  voting 
places  ought  to  be  within  easy  access  of  the  electors,  and  in  that  case 
a  voter  may  reasonably  be  asked  to  bring  himself  to  the  poll  if  he 
wants  to  come.  As  for  the  second,  irreverent  people  might  say  that 
political  mountebanks  should  erect  their  own  stages.  Mr.  Punch, 
Iiqwever,  conceives  that  decent  and  proper  places  for  transacting  con- 
stitutional business  should  be  maintained  at  the  expense  of  the  country. 
It  seems  prudery  to  vote  two  millions  and  a  half  to  build  a  place  for 
members  to  sit  in,  and  to  grudge  a  few  hundreds  for  the  steps  by 
which  they  ascend.  MR.  EWART  renewed  his  very  commendable 
clamour  for  a  Minister  of  Justice,  and  - 

Silence  !  Silence  !  Readers  will  be  good  enough  to  take  off  their 
hats,  and  to  stand  up.  Silence,  now. 

The  DICTATOR  announced  that  next  year  Government  would  bring 
in  a  Reform  Bill,  the  basis  of  which  should  be  UNIVHRSAL  SUFFRAGE  ! 

Well,  if  you  doubt  it,  turn  to  the  Times.  LORD  PALMERSTON,  after 
explaining  that  the  session  was  too  far  advanced  for  the  present 
introduction  of  any  such  measure,  and,  after  declining  to  pledge  him- 
self to  details,  said,  "  At  the  beginning  of  next  session  we  shall  be 
able  to  propose  some  measure  to  correct  any  defects  in  the  present 
Reform  Act,  AS  WELL  AS  TO  ADMIT  TO  THE  FRANCHISE  THOSE  CLASSES- 

OP  PERSONS  WHO  ARE  AT  PRESENT  EXCLUDED  FROM  IT." 

If  that  be  not  a  distinct  and  manly  promise  of  universal  suffrage,  let 
us  all  turn  Jesuits  and  Puseyites,  for  there  is  nothing  but  anon-natural 
meaning  in  words.  No  wonder  the  House  cheered.  No  wonder  that 
MR.  ROEBUCK,  moved  to  tears  of  vinegar,  tore  up  an  intended  motion 
on  reform.  No  wonder  that  the  Chartists  are  collecting  pennies  for  a 
testimonial  to  the  Chartist  Viscount,  and  that  MR.  ERNEST  JONES'S 
occupation  is  gone.  As  for  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL,  he  has  gone  and 
hired  himself  as  usher  at  a  ragged  school  in  a  street  that  has  no  name, 
unless  DirFANGER  Junior  has  hunted  it  out  and  christened  it  since  we 
went  to  press.  LORD  PALMERSTON  and  Universal  Suffrage  !  Need 
Mr.  Punch  add.  that  the  Address  was  rapturously  voted. 

Friday.  None  of  the  proceedings  in  either  House  merit  note,  except 
a  melancholy  display  by  poor  LORD  CARDIGAN,  who  made  a  most 
uncalled-for  declaration  that  everybody  was  satisfied  with  his  conduct 
m  the  Crimea.  It  is  very  funny  that  in  the  best  regulated  nursery  you 
have  only  to  say  "  CARDIGAN  "—and  the  children  instantly  strike'  up 


in  chorus, 


"  See,  see  !  What  shall  I  see? 
A  horse's  head  where  his  tail  should  be." 


Some  elaborate  explanations  by  SIR  C.  WOOD  about  the  unfortunate 
Transit  were  given,  and  the  First  Lord  of  the  Admiralty  triumphantly 
.announced  as  a  discovery,  that  not  only  did  Government  ships  suffer 
in  bad  weather,  but  private  ships  also.  ADMIRAL  WALCOTT  endea- 


MAY  16,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


199 


voured,  by  manoeuvres  with  his  hat,  to  make  Sin  CHARLES  compre- 
hend t.lie  real  question,  and  the  Transit'!  position,  but  in  vain,  aud 
\l  EL  .1  \  M  H  \\  1 1. SON  looked  very  unhappy  at  seeing  a  good  hat  treated 
so  unfairly.  Mu.  SPOON  Kit  gave  notice  that  he  would  renew  his 

M.-iyii 

[Eighteen  compositors  having  successively  fainted  away  in  attempt* 
to  "set  up"  He  sentence  thus  commenced,  Mr.  Punch,  in  com- 
pliance toil  A  the  dictates  of  humanity,  orders  his  establishment  to 
desist  from  the  fearful  task. 


BARNUM'S    BEST    PLAN. 

N  advertisement,  headed  i"  BAB. 
NUM  ENGAGED,"  announces  that 
the  dwarf  called  TOM  '1 

fell!  I   iu.,.-,M     m          "  has  engaged  his  former  guard- 

ian, the  world-renowned  P.  T. 
BAKNUM,  to  exhibit  him  at  his 
morning  entertainment."  In- 
stead of  fulling  back  upon  TOM 
THUMB,  why  does  not  BARNUM 
fro  ahead,  and  supply  the  demand 
of  the  gaping  public  with  as- 
tounding novelty  ?  How  can  he 
have  failed  to  get  hold  of  his 
countryman,  the  medium,  MR. 
HUME?  Here  is  a  genuine 
Yankee  OWEN  GLENDOWER, 
whose  spirits,  according  to 
Roman  and  Anglo-Catholic 
newspapers,  actually  do  come 
when  he  does  call  for  them; 
carry  about  and  ring  hand-bells, 
play  tun*  on  accordions  ana 
pianos,  make  books  fly  and  tables 
dance,  tickle  knees,  pick  people's 
pockets,  extinguish  and  relight 
candles,  and  cause  any  lady  or 
gentleman  desirous  of  trying 
the  experiment  to  shake  hands 
with  a  mysterious  cold-handed 
something.  This  is  the  man  for 
Ma.  BARNUM'S  money,  con- 
sidering the  money  which  MR. 
BARNUM  might  make  through 
his  means.  Or  BARNUM  might 
put  himself,  if  he  is  not  already, 
in  communication  with  the  York- 
shire Spiritual  Telegraph,  and  get 
the  editor  to  get  the  poet  DANTE 
to  lend  him  a  hand,  or  a  pair  of  hands,  for  the  purpose  of  decorating 
the  heads  of  the  bystanders  with  orange  flowers,  or  with  donkeys' 
ears,  if  judged  more  suitable.  Let  BARNUM  give  a  series  of  enter- 
tainments under  the  title  of  "  Sorcery  for  the  Superior  Classes." 
Why  should1  he  content  himself  with  exhibiting  TOM  THUMB,  when, 
with  the  assistance  of  MR.  HUME,  he  might,  in  a  very  short  time, 
successfully  pretend  to  exhibit  the  devil  ?  The  exhibition  of  one  pair, 
merely,  of  spirit  hands,  would  be  worth  WASHINGTON'S  nurse,  the 
Feejee  mermaid,  and  TOM  THUMB  put  together.  If  BARNUM  could 
only  make  an  arrangement  with  HUME,  he  would  be  enabled  to  work 
a  rich  mine  of  HuM(fi)bug. 


THE  LAST  FREAK  IN  BONNETS. 

LIVE  and  learn,  MRS.  GRUNDY.  Read  the  Vollet  Fashion-paper ; 
you  will  always  find  something  new  in  it— something  to  astonish  yon, 
as  this  extract  from  Fashions  for  May  perhaps  will : — 

"  Bonnets  are  still  worn  very  open,  thrown  back  at  tho  cheeks,  and  pointed  in 
front.  The  curtain  deep  ;  put  on  in  large  plaits,  arranged  in  such  a  manner  as  not 
to  fall  over  the  shoulders,  nor  to  stand  out  too  stiffly  in  the  middle  of  the  back." 

What  next,  Ma'am  ?— and  next  ?— as  MR.  COBDEN  said.  Bonnets 
with  curtains !— window  blinds  will  perhaps  follow,  and  then  probably 
will  come  shutters— or  shall  we  say  bed-posts  and  blankets?  The 
curtains  must  be  veils,  Ma'am,  must  they  not?— but  then,  what  busi- 
ness have  they  to  stick  out  at  all  in  the  middle  of  the  back  ?  Curtains 
indeed!  To  be  sure  they  are  sufficiently  called  for  by  the  present 
bare-faced  fashion  of  bonnets.  Highty-tighty.  Oh,  for  the  good  old 
times  ot  the  good  old  coal-icuttle ! 


INSANE   AGITATION. — The  advocates  of 
England  are  no  better  than  Ma(i)n(e)iacs. 


a  Liquor   Law  for] old 


EXPLOSION  OF  A  MODEEN  MIRACLE. 

SOME  few  years  ago  the  Roman  Catholic  newspapers  and  priesthood 
generally,  gave  out,  and  strove  to  persuade  simpletons,  that  the  VIRGIN 
\1  utv  hud  appeared  on  the  hill  of  La  Salettc,  and  had  made  a  revcla- 
tion  to  some  peasant  children.  Notwithstanding  that  Mr,  Punch 
analyzed  this  story  and  demonstrated  its  absurdity,  its  inventors  suc- 
ceeded in  palming  it  upon  multitudes  of  their  co-religionists  inclusive 
of  the  I'ui'E  himself.  Accordingly  the  priests  of  the  district  wherein 
tiie  trick  was  played,  ran  up  a  shrine,  and  formed  a  confraternity  to 
work  it — obtaining  money  under  pretence  of  the  sanctity  of  the  spot. 
infallible  but  hoaxed  1 1 OUXK.SS  patronised  the  concern,  and  gave 
it  his  benediction,  which  appears  not  to  have  preserved  it  from  ex- 
ploding. The  Univeri  puffed  it  •,  the  Tablet  endorsed  the  statements 
of  the  Univers. 

The  journal  last  named  lias,  by  perseverance  in  stating  the  marvel- 
lous thing  which  is  not,  involved  itself  in  a  quarrel  with  the  Siecle, 
in  consequence  where  'It  publishes  an  exposure  of  the  Salette 

humbug.  For  this,  society  is  indented  to  an  honest  priest,  one  ABBE 
DKLEON,  who  discovered,  and  showed,  that  the  alleged  apparition 
of  the  VIRGIN  was  performed  by  a  MADEMOISKI.I.K  LAMKRLIKKE,  by 
the  help  of  a  milliner.  The  pretended  VIRGIN,  it  will  be  recollected. 
begun  by  talking  good  French  to  the  little  clowns  to  whom  she  showed 
herself,  and  then,  finding  that  they  did  not  understand  her,  spoke  to 
them  in  their  own  patois— evidence  of  imposture  duly  pointed  out  at 
the  time  by  Mr.  Punch.  MADLLE.  LAMERLIERE  brings  an  action 
against  the  abbe1  for  false  accusation,  before  the  tribunals  of  Grenoble, 
loses  her  cause,  and  is  condemned  in  costs.  The  unlucky  plaintiff  has 
appealed :  but  the  fact  that  the  discussions  which  took  place  at  the 
trial  are  not  allowed  to  be  published,  is  sufficiently  significant  of  the 
direction  in  which  the  Salette  cat,  now  let  out  of  the  bag,  is  con- 
sidered, by  those  capable  of  judging,  to  jump. 

So  much — Mr.  Punch  was  about  to  say — for  La  Salette ;  but  one 
tiling  more  deserves  to  be  stated,  to  end  the  story,  like  a  squib,  with  a 
good  bounce.  The  following  holy  "  shave "  was  announced  in  1851 
on  episcopal  authority : — 

"The  waters  of  La  Balette  cure  all  the  evils  of  the  body,  and  convert  the  mot 
wicked  sinners,  oven  if  the  smallest  drop  (against  their  will)  can  be  got  down  their 
ttroata." 

Physic  and  divinity  both  entirely  superseded  by  an  infinitesimal  dose 
of  La  Salette  water !  It  is  wonderful  that  the  friars  and  Jesuists  did 
not  fear  that  the  above  quoted  ultramontane  and  ultra-Hahnemannic 
"  stretcher  "  would,  if  believed,  prove  rather  too  much  to  the  believer. 
They  must  have  as  much  faith  in  the  gullibility  of  their  dupes  as  the 
latter  repose  in  the  veracity  of  their  deceivers.  However,  the  priests 
tell,  or  at  least  imply,  one  truth  respecting  the  water  of  La  Salette. 
By  their  account  sinners  appear  to  have  found  it  very  difficult  to 
swallow. 

In  quitting  the  subject  of  this  alleged  miracle,  Mr.  Punch  begs  to  be 
allowed  to  express  the  hope  that  the  world  will  not  forget  the  really 
miraculous  discernment  evinced  by  himself  nearly  five  years  ago,  in 
seeing  through  and  elucidating  that  device  of  priestcraft. ' 


A  SHAKSPEARIAN  NOTE  AND  QUERY. 

WE  put  it  to  MR.  PAYNE  COLLYER,  to  be  considered  in  his  next 
edition  of  SHAKSPBARE,  whether  the  advice  of  Poloitius  to  his  son  is 
not  liable  to  emendation,  (suggested  by  female  fashions  of  the  present 
time.  SHAKSPEARE,  there  can  be  no  doubt  of  it,  in  his  prescience, 
knew  that  lovely  woman  in  1857  would  hoop  herself  in  her  petticoats 
like  a  beer-barrel  with  iron  surroundings.  (We  only  hope  that  in  the 
meteoric  convulsions  of  the  coming  summer,  no  fair  creature  smitten 
by  lightning  will  fall  through  her  petticoats  like  so  much  cigar-ash ; 
but  we  think  the  occurrence  very  probable.)  However,  there  can  be 
no  doubt  that  the  words  of  Polonius — 

"  The  friend  thou  hast  and  his  affections  tried, 
Grapple  him  to  thy  soul  with  hoolcs  of  steel—" 

ought  to  read — 

"  The  maid  thou  hast  and  her  affections  tried. 
Grapple  her  to  thy  soul  with  hoops  of  steel." 

In  these  days,  Vulcan  makes  half  Venus ;  and  a  man  does  not  only 
unite  himself  to  the  bone  of  his  bone  and  the  flesh  of  his  flesh,  but  to 
the  metal  of  his  metal.  It  is  not  fair  to  the  memory  of  the  good  and 
gracious  TALFOURD,  that  every  ^oman  should  insist  upon  being  the 
heroine  of  her  own  Ion. 

Common-place,  but  How  True! 

YOUR  Pessimist,  who  is  always  doubting,  always  sneering,  is  only 
the  Laguais  of  Society,  who  is  perpetually  giving  the  dirty  habits  of 
others  a  good  brushing,  and  yet  does  not  see  the  mud  that  is  upon  his 
own. 


200 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  16,  1857. 


ROYAL    ACADEMY,   1857. 

Mr.  Punch,    (reads).   "No.  24.   H.R.U.— A  FIELD-MARSHAL,   EVIDENTLY.— HM-M- 
VERY  GOOD,  INDEED.    WHAT  SANGUINARY  ENGAGBMENT  CAN  IT  BE  ? " 


A  CRIMINAL  LAW  OF  COPYRIGHT  WANTED. 

KUHKMOST  among  the  means  which  were  employed  in  tlie 
cookery  of  the  British  Bank  accounts,  mention  has  been 
made  of  a  certain  "small  green  ledger"  as  forming  an 
important  part  of  Mil.  CAMERON'S  cuisine,  an_d  helping 
him  especially  to  do  things  nicely  brown.  This  utensil 
may  be  said  to  have  been  used  as  a  sort  of  common  melting- 
pot,  and  anything  put  in  it  to  the  credit  of  1he  bank  (such 
as  the  eighteen  pounds  odd  shillings  of  the  late  M.P.  for 
Tewkesbury)  was  soon  melted  down,  and  became  uudis- 
linguishable.  In  the  half-yearly  farce  called  the  Inspection 
of  the  Books,  this  greatly  used  small  ledger  instead  of 
being  seen  over  was  always  somehow  overlooked.  Those- 
who  should  have  audited  had  never  even  heard  of  it ;  and 
so  dark  was  it  kept  by  the  CAMEHON  Obscurer,  that  its. 
green  may  be  said  to  have  been  the  invisible. 

Now,  as  we  find  that  this  small  ledger  proved  of  no> 
small  service  ill  defrauding  the  public,  we  should  like  to- 
see  steps  taken  to  prevent  its  being  used  hereafter  as  a. 
precedent.  We  have  no  wisli  to  see  any  one  take  a  leaf 
out  of  this,  or  from  any  other  book  of  MK.  CAMBKQN'S 
concoction ;  and  we  should  be  glad  therefore  to  (hid  1  hat 
they  were  made  strictly  copyright.  Perhaps,  if  an  in- 
fringement were  regarded  as  a  criminal  offence,  that  to 
would-be  plagiarists  might  prove  a  strong  deterrent :  and 
we  should  therefore  recommend  that  every  such  leaf  which 
can  be  traced  to  MK.  CAMERON  shoidd  be  pronounced  on 
the  authority  of  Parliament  a  dock  leaf,  and  that  a  lesson 
'  in  its  botany  be  forthwith  given  at  the  schools,  which  were 
!  originally  established  under  Government  inspection,  at 
Botany  Bay. 

,  UNWARRANTABLE  LIBERTY. 

WE  should  like  to  know  who' put  the  following  saucy 
advertisement  relative  to  our  respectable  neighbours  named 
in  it,  into  the  Times : — 

PUMPS.— FOWLER  AND  CO.,  Whitefriors  Street,  Fleet 
Street,  B.C. 

If  we  had  seen  the  foregoing  chalked  upon  a  wall,  we 
should  not  have  been  surprised,  concluding  it  to  have  been 
(he  expression,  of  the  impertinence  of  some  disn-^ 
street-boy.  But  no  boy  would  spend  in  advertising,  even 
for  the  purpose  of  insulting  somebody,  the  money  which  he 
might  lay  out  in  lollipops. 


JOHN  TROT  AT  THE  EOYAL  ACADEMY. 

\  I  was  last  in  London,  I  went — just  you  guess  where, 

'(.'adummy  <>'  pieturs  in  What-d'ye-call-un  Square. 
The  tickut  was  a  sluTn,  and  thai:  baiii't  no  gurt  price  to  gic : 
And  the'zight  is  wiith  the  money,  if  you  likes  them  thirigs  to  zee. 

'Tis  wonderful  sitch  works  should  be  done  by  fellers'  hands : 
And  how  it  is  they  docs  \-ju,  1  'm  blest  if  I  understands. 

sitch  paaintun  do  zcem  impossible  anipst. 
I  should  find  it  a  hard  job  it'  I  'd la  got  to  paaiht  a  post. 

I  zee  a  lot  o'  people  a  standun,  staiun  hard 
At  one  gurt  grand  big  pictur,  resemblun  a  dockyard. 
Wi  carpcntern  a  gwiuu  on,  chaps  workun,  buildun  ships, 
How  nateral  their  shavuus  wus,  and  rayal  all  the  chips ! 

Another  gurt  big  pictur  too  I  likewise  did  behold, 

Wi  a  old  chap  upon  hossback  in  his  armour  all  o'  gold; 

And  a  little  gal  afore  un,  and  a  small  buoy  at  his  back, 

As  had  got  a  bunch  o  vaggots  that  zim'd  pull  vrom  out  a  stack. 

There  was  another  paainiun  as  zim'd  in  the  same  way  done, 
U  i  a  gal  a  chap  was  hclpin  of  vrom  gaol  to  cut  and  run, 
In  a  sart  o'  kind  of  yaller  dress  wi  dcvvlcs  on  't  and  vlaines, 
Reprezentun  priestcraft,  siiuinunly,  and  that  there  kind  o'  games. 

A  gal  a  tyun  on  a  scarf,  moreover,  I  did  note, 

Around  a  chap  as  had  got  on  a  queer  long  scarlut  quoat, 

An  old  gal  zittun  in  a  chair,  and  a  lady  lookun  on, 

Thinks  I,  now, that  there  pictur  is  oncommouly  well  drawn. 

I  marked  a  goodish  pietur,  too,  about  the  Rooshun  war, 

/urn  officers  inzidc  a  shed,  one  smokun  a  eigar ; 

They  'd  got  a  box  just  opeii'd  zent  to  'em  by  their  vriends, 

The  walls  \vi  prints  was  kivcr'd,  and  the  vloor  with  odds  an  ends. 


On  boord  a  boat  a  gwiun,  I  zee  a  sailor  lad, 

And,  I  spbse  she  wos  his  mother,  a  whimperun  like  mad  ; 

I  dwoan't  know  much  about  un,  but.  I  thinks  a  was  well  done— 

That  pictur  of  the  sailors,  the  'ooman  and  her  /.on. 

Zum  stags,  a  little,  rabbit,  an  eagle  in  the 
' 


,  , 

A  top  a  rock  I  vancied  show'd  a  precious  clever  fist  : 
I  wish  the  chap  as  did  'em  'ood  paint  /.urn  pigs  I  've  got  : 
i''or  they  be  purty  pigs  although  I  says  it  as  should  not. 

A  quoast  in  storm  and  tempest,  did  also  catch  my  eye, 

Wi'  a  lot  o'  rocks  like  organ-pipes  a  stickun  up  on  high, 

And  wrecks  o'  vessels  lyun  among  the  waves  below, 

1  zeem'd  to  hear  the  waves  rhooar  and  the  winds  to  hear,  like,  blow. 

A  pictur  o'  the  'Sizes  did  also  take  my  mind, 

The  jury  a  consider'n  their  verdict  for  to  find, 

The  pris'nei-'s  poor  old  veatller,  his  mother,  and  his  wife, 

He  beun,  as  I  took  it,  on  trial  vor  his  life. 

There  also  was  a  Yrenchman,  at  laste  as  I  suppose, 

Or  anyhow  a  feller  dress'd  up  in  voreign  clothes, 

A  talk  un  to  a  female  as  had  on  man's  attire, 

And  that  was  a  performance  which  I  '11  own  I  did  admire. 

A  lot 
I  gurtly 

Stick  'cm  out/.ide  a  public-house,  tliereof  to  be  the  zign. 

And  what  was  they  ?  you'll  ax  me.    Why,  I  baint  a  gwine  to  tell, 
The  less  is  said  the  better  about  them  as  baint  done  well.     . 
The  painters  docs  the  best  they  can,  and  if  so  be  they  fail,  ^ 
'What  need  to  holler  'cm  up  hifl,  and  cry  'em  all  down  dale  ? 

Lave  'em  aloan;  that's  bad  enough;  their  pieturs  is  their  bread; 
/ay  notluin  of  'em  if  so  be  as  no  good  can't  be  zaid  ; 
Don't  take  away  their  bread-and.  cheese—  don't  meddle  wi'  their  cains, 
1  hopes  they'll  all  paint  better  when  they  comes  to  take  more  pains. 


,  of  other  pieturs,  too  many  for  to  name, 

•tly  wus  delighted  wi— zum  wusn't  wuth  the  frame. 

)ws  what  I  should  do  wi  'em  pcrwided  t  hey  wus  mine, 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  IS,  Upper  Woburn  PUce,  *r.d  Frederick  Mullet  EVRDB,  t  i  No.  11,  Queen's  Road  Weft.  Xeirenfs  Park,  both  In  the  Parish  of  St.  PancrM.  in  the  County  of  Middlesex 
Printer*,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Wlutefjian.  in  the  City  cf  Lonaon,  and  fubliahed  bj  them  at  No.  Si.  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Pariih  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of 
London.— liivuui,  May  16, 186J.I 


MAY  23,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


201 


IMPORTANT. 

Little  Boy.  "  Here,  young  'urn,  just  hold  my  Hoop,  while  I  go  and  trantact 
a  Mile  Eusinesi." 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

May  11,  Monday.  LORD  CAMPBELL,  having  had  the  satisfaction  of 
consigning  to  gaol  and  hard  labour  a  couple  of  miscreants  for  selling 
printed  and  engraved  abominations,  pursued  the  subject  in  the  House 
of  Lords,  and  urged  the  necessity  of  legislation  to  suppress  this  jpoison- 
traffic.  The  CHANCELLOR  said  that  the  existing  law  was  sufficient. 
In  any  case  in  which  LORDS  CAMPBELL  and  CRANWORTH  differ,  the 
odds  are  SHAKSPEARE'S  brains  to  MALMESBURY'S  that  the  CHANCELLOR 
is  wrong ;  but  be  this  as  it  may,  London  is  shamed  by  the  permission 
which  the  parochial  authorities  accord  to  the  atrocious  trade.  The 
Bills  of  last  session  regarding  Wills  and  Divorces  were  introduced. 
The  clause  empowering  husband  and  wife  to  divorce  one  another  by 
agreement  for  separation  is  struck  out.  The  Bishops,  however,  intend 
to  oppose  the  Bill,  on  the  Popish  ground  that  marriage  is  a  sacramental 
obligation,  and  therefore  indissoluble.  Mr.  Punch  is  sorry  to  have  to 
hint  that  his  allegiance  to  Bishops  is  not. 

Sin  G.  C.  LEWIS  explained  his  Savings'  Banks  Bill.  Government  is 
to  guarantee  the  deposits,  and  of  course  to  have  certain  checks  on  the 
management.  It  is  apprehended  that  provincial  magnates  mav  rebel 
against,  this  latter  provision,  in  which  case  the  whole  system  had  better 
be  taken  into  the  hands  of  Government,  or  affiliated  to  the  Old  Lady 
in  Threadneedle  Street.  The  Transportation  Bill  was  discussed  to- 
night on  the  second  reading,  and  on  Friday,  when  it  went  through 
committee.  It  is  for  enabling  Government,  at  pleasure,  to  send  over 
the  seas  criminals  sentenced  to  penal  servitude.  There  was  a  strong 
feeling  in  the  House  that  though  there  is  little  hope  of  reforming  an 
adult  criminal,  his  labour  ought  to  be  confiscated  for  the  benefit  of 
society.  This  point,  and  still  more,  the  means  of  entirely  separating 
his  unfortunate  children  from  the  polluted  atmosphere  of  crime,  are 
subjects  to  which  Parliament  may  well  condescend  to  give  attention, 
even  with  the  great  case  of  Skirmisher  v.  Saunterer  appointed  for  trial 
at  Epsom.  The  Industrial  Schools  Bill,  resisted  by  some  Roman 
Catholics,  who  are  always  afraid  lest  "  proselytism  "  should  follow  in- 
traction,  but  carried  by  177  to  18,  is  a  measure  in  the  right  direction. 
A  Committee  was  appointed  to  consider;  the  affairs  of  the  Old  Lady 
above  mentioned. 

Tuesday.  MR.  DILLWYN  introduced  a  bill,  which  it  is  heartily  to 
bo  hoped  will  be  passed,  namely,  for  the  application  of  whipcord  to  the 
backs  of  the  only  persons  who  ought  to  be  so  punished,  the  brutes  who 
commit  aggravated  assaults  on  women  and  children.  It  is  impos- 
sible that  such  scoundrels  can  be  further  demoralised,  and  the  instru- 
ment of  infliction  may  fairly  be  called  in  their  case  the  "  harmless, 
necessary  Cat."  MR.  HARDY  introduced  a  Beer  Bill,  for  giving  more 
power  to  the  licensing  magistrates,  who  are  already  as  notoriously  the 
tools  of  the  Great  Brewers  as  their  spigots  and  faucets.  MR.  LOCKE 
KINO  obtained  leave  to  bring  in  a  BUl  for  abolishing  the  property 


qualifications  (county  members  £600  a-year,  borough  members  £300) 
of  the  representatives  of  the  people.  LORD  PALMERSTON  rather 
piteously  intimated,  that  as  there  was  to  be  a  big  reform  next  year 
there  ought  to  be  no  little  reforms  now. 

Wednesday.  LORD  ROBERT  GROSVENOR  carried  the  first  reading  of 
his  Bill  against  carrying  voters  bv  151  to  58.  MR.  HKMH.AM 
re-introduced  the  Medical  Reform  Bifl,  and  the  next  day  LORD  KI.CIIO 
introduced  another.  Mr.  Punch  will  hereafter  report  on  the  symptoms 
of  each. 

Thursday.  The  proceedings  in  the  Lords  were  strictly  uninteresting, 
aiid  had  only  the  merit  of  being  short.  In  the  other  house  Woman's 
Wrongs  came  up,  and  of  course  there  was  a  gooddeal  of  laughter.  Sir 
KKSKINE  PERRY  moved  for  leave  to  bring  in  a  Bill  to  let  married 
women  have  their  own  earnings.  MR.  HENRY  DRUMMOND,  who, 
malgre  his  occasional  nonsense,  is  an  English  gentleman,  supported  the 
bill,  and  urged  that  greater  facilities  should  be  given  for  divorce. 
The  ATTORNEY-GENERAL  disapproved  of  the  bill,  and  objected  to 
placing  the  women  of  England  in  a  "strong-minded  position."  MR. 
BERESFORD  HOPE,  a  very  rich  and  refined  gentleman,  evinced  his 
entire  ignorance  of  the  real  grievance  sought  to  be  dealt  with,  and 
MR.  MILNES  delicately  reminded  him  that  he  should  not  sneer  at 
women,  seeing  that,  according  to  the  papers,  the  energy  of  a  lady  had 
mainly  procured  the  election  of  her  husband,  the  said  MR.  HOPE.  The 
bill  was  read  a  first  time. 

Friday.  LORD  MALMESBURY  took  a  series  of  exceptions  to  the 
improvements  in  St.  James's  Park,  and  accused  SIR  B.  HALL  of  wishinz 
to  emi date  the  MEDICIS  and  to  go  down  to  posterity,  at  the  public 
expense,  as  BENJAMIN  THE  MAGNIFICENT.  His  lordship's  chief  and 
fraternal  concern  was  for  the  geese  that  used  to  swim  in  the  lake,  and 
have  disappeared,  but  LORD  GRAHVILLE  calmed  his  mind  by  assuring 
him  that  his  relatives  had  only  gone  to  Kew,  during  the  alterations, 
and  would  soon  come  back.  The  necessity  of  cleansing  the  foul 
puddle,  and  the  desirability  of  making  it  an  ornament  to  the  metro- 
polis, were  so  evident  to  everybody  but  the  MALMESBURIES,  booted 
and  webfooted,  that  LORD  GRANVILLE'S  justification  of  the  proceeding 
was  scarcely  necessary. 

More  to  the  purpose  was  the  DUKE  OF  SOMERSET'S  inquiry  touching 
the  designs  for  the  Public  Offices,  because  the  subject  cannot  be  too 
much  ventilated  just  now.  So  splendid  an  opportunity  has  never  been 
offered  since  SIR  CHRISTOPHER  WREN  was  prevented  from  carrying 
out  his  noble  plan  for  the  restoration  of  London  after  the  Fire,  and 
it  is  only  to  be  hoped  that  the  advisers  of  QUEEN  VICTORIA  will  be 
wiser  and  bolder  than  were  the  advisers  of  KING  CHARLES.  The 
DUKE'S  speech  was  merely  a  growl  about  the  probable  expenditure. 
This  will  and  ought  to  be  large,  but  should  be  so  adjustea  as  to  be 
shared  among  successive  generations,  who,  if  the  project  be  worthily 
carried  out,  will  gladly  bear  their  share  of  the  burden.  LORD  ELLEN- 
BOROUGH  scoffea  at  the  collections  in  Marlborough  House,  and  said 
that  he  was  sorry  to  say  that  he  had  wasted  half-an-hour  there,  gazing 
at  rubbish.  Mr.  Punch  did  not  recollect  that  there  was  a  looking- 
glass  on  the  premises. 

In  the  Commons,  SIR  RICHARD  BETHELL  being  asked  whether  he 
would  prosecute  the  directors  of  the  British  Bank,  gave  a  dubious 
kind  ot  answer,  and  professed  fear  lest  in  the  present  state  of  the 
public  mind  the  delinquents  in  question  (whom  MR.  HOLROYD,  the 
Bankruptcy  Commissioner,  distinctly  declared  ought  to  be  prosecuted) 
would  have  a  fair  trial.  This  was  simply  a  piece  of  temporary  petu- 
lance on  the  part  of  SIR  RICHARD,  who  hates  to  be  interfered  with, 
and  who,  Punch  has  no  doubt,  will  do  his  duty  promptly  and  well. 
The  old  Welsh  blood  of  Ar  ITHELL  will  look  out  sometimes.  MR. 
HORSMAN  gave  MR.  WHITESIDE  a  tremendous  wigging  for  some 
imputations  about  an  intended  new  building  for  the  Irish  Encumbered 
Estates  Court,  and  as  WHITESIDE  himself  delights  in  saying  insulting 
things,  the  House  enjoyed  the  castigation. 

LORD  PALMERSTON  then  rose,  and  considering  that  sixteen  of  his 
table  napkins  had  been  pawned  by  a  charwoman,  who  had  been  tried 
and  acquitted  that  very  day,  his  self-possession  was  remarkable.  He 
obtained  leave  to  bring  in  a  bill  for  remodelling  the  Parliamentary 
oaths,  so  as  to  admit  the  Jews.  He  advanced  only  one  new  argument 
in  favour  of  the  Hebrews,  which  he  might  as  well  have  left  alone, 
seeing  that  the  old  arguments  are  valid,  while  the  plea  that  when 
public  loans  are  wanted,  Jew  capitalists  are  ready  with  the  money, 
is  not  of  a  very  convincing  order,  seeing  that  all  the  capitalists,  Jew  and 
Christian,  are  always  ready  with  their  money  (if  the  investment  be 
safe,  and  the  interest  good),  whether  the  object  be  to  support  tyranny 
or  liberty,  barbarianism  or  civilisation.  SIR  F.  THESIGER  made  the 
stock  opposition,  and  had  rather  a  good  fling  at  the  Dictator  for  taking 
the  Jew  question,  as  he  had  taken  Reform,  out  of  the  hands  of  LORD 
JOHN  RUSSELL.  The  latter  professed  perfect  satisfaction,  and  made  a 
capital  return  hit  at  THESIGER,  asking  him  whether  he  would  like 
lawyers  to  be  excluded,  like  Jews.  We  don't  know  what  SIR 
FREDERICK  would  like,  but  we  should  undervalue  the  patriotism  of  our 
Hebrew  friends  if  we  believed  that  they  would  not  wdlingly  abandon 
their  return  to  Parliament  until  their  return  to  Palestine,  if  by  so 


VOL.   XXXII. 


202 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  23,  1857. 


doing  they  could  save  the  country  from  the  lawyer-nuisance  m  the 
House.  The  horse-taming  NEWDEGATE  declared  that  there  was  no 
feeling  among  the  people  in  favour  of  the  Jews,  notwithstanding  their 
lavish  expenditure  and  pandering  to  the  popular  taste. 

Mr.  Punch  appends  congratulation  to  MR.  SPEAKER  DENISON  on  the 
his-hly  superior  mode  in  which  he  already  conducts  business. 


OBITUARY   (A  LITTLE  IN  ADVANCE). 

WE  feel  no  regret,  whatever  in  announcing  the  death  of  the  Russian 
Railway  Scheme,  which  has  taken  place  without,  as  far  as  we  can 
learn,  exciting  the  least  sympathy  with  those  who  were  in  any  way 
connected  with  the  recently  departed.  So  far  from  there  being  any 
hopes  of  the  deceased,  it  was  generally  considered  that  the  sooner  its 
existence  was  put  an  end  to  the  better ;  and  those  who  knew  it  inti- 
mately, and  were  acquainted  with  the  manner  in  which  it  had  been  first 
forced  into  life,  were  convinced  it  could  not  long  be  expected  to 
survive.  It  has  since  been  ascertained  that  the  breath  of  public 
favour  was  entirely  withheld  from  it,  and  this  was  a  deficiency  which 
no  amount  of  puffing  was  able  to  supply.  Various  attempts  were 
made  to  raise  the  wind,  but  the  efforts  only  caused  an  air  of  dissatis- 
faction, which  eventually  proved  a  fatal  blow  to  the  deceased. 

Although  the  death  may  very  possibly  have  been  by  some  regarded 
as  a  somewhat  sudden  one,  there  are  no  thoughts  of  having  a  post 
mortem  examination,  there  being  quite  sufficient  evidence  to  attribute 
the  demise  to  causes  purely  natural  and  easy  to  account  for.  Con- 
sidered doubtful  from  the  first,  the  scheme's  existence  daily  had  grown 
more  and  more  precarious ;  and  although  the  most  ingenious  devices 
were  prescribed  to  keep  it  up,  it  was  soon  pronounced  impossible  to 
prevent  its  sinking.  Being  violently  attacked  by  the  public  press — an 
attack  which  in  most  such  cases  has  proved  fatal — the  scheme  very 
speedily  showed  symptoms  of  decline  ;  and  having  been  much  weakened 
by  exposure,  in  spite  of  the  most  skilful  bolstering,  it  fell  into  so  low 
a  state,  that  those  who  watched  it  narrowly  saw  no  hope  of  recovery. 

If  we  were  asked  to  analyse  the  character  of  the  deceased,  truth 
would  force  us  to  acknowledge  that  the  maxim  "  de  mortidi  "  must  be 
reversed  in  this  case,  since  we  have  heard  nothing  good  of  the  deceased 
from  any  trustworthy  or  at  least  disinterested  quarter.  We  believe 
the  only  reputation  it  achieved  was  a  bubble  one— and  some  idea  may 
be  formed  of  the  low  estimation  in  which  it  was  held,  when  we  state 
that  the  subscription  which  was  opened  to  provide  for  its  necessities 
was  received  by  the  public  with  such  evident  disfavour,  that  it  failed 
in  attracting  a  single  response.  Disliked  from  the  first  for  its  dubious 
connections,  so  much  that  was  discreditable  was  clearly  traced  to  the 
deceased  that  we  cannot  be  surprised  to  learn  there  was  no' Baring  it — 
and  there  was  so  much  to  suspect  of  designing  in  its  character,  that  we 
think  its  dissolution  must  be  generally  viewed  as  a  most  happy  release. 

We  are  not  permitted  to  announce  at  present  who  will  appear  as  the 
Chief  Mourners  for  the  loss  of  the  deceased  ;  but  of  those  who  were 
attached  to  it  there  is  but  a  limited  number  to  select  from.  Should  a 
tombstone  be  erected,  which  is  more  than  doubtful,  we  would  suggest 
that  there  be  used  as  part  of  the  inscription — 

"  The  earth  hath  bubbles  as  the  water  hutti, 
And  this  was  of  them." 

While,  as  a  succinct  summary  of  the"  character  of  the  deceased,  it 
might  perhaps  with  some  degree  of  troth  be  added  that — 
"Its  ZnO  teas— flttci ! " 


An  Old  Joke  -with  a  New  Face  to  it. 

A.  GENTLEMAN  in  a  great  hurry  went  to  have  his  photograph  taken. 
When  it  was  finished,  he  considered  it  so  unlike  that  he  refused  to 
pay  for  it.  An  offer  was  made  to  take  another,  but  unfortunately 
there  was  no  time.  At  last  the  poor  artist  said,  in  despair :  "  I  '11  tell 
you,  Sir.  what  I  '11  do.  Here  is  a  drawer  full  of  portraits— two 
thousand  at  least.  Now,  Sir,  you  may  select  any  six  of  those  portraits, 
Sir,  which  you  consider  the  most  like  you." 


YB  VNSETTLED   ACCOMPT. 

a  ILag  of  p?isi)  Mr. 

"  Now,  marry,  LADY  FEATHERHEAD,  I  say  it  is  too  bad, 

It  is,  now,  by  my  balidom,  enough  to  drive  one  mad ! 

This  bill— tliis  heavy  bill,  sent  in  from  MOSLYN,  CRAPE  AND  Co.— 

Methought  that  ye  had  settled  it  at  least  three  years  ago ! " 

"  La,  you  there,  what  a  pother  makes  my  Lord  !  look  how  he  raves  ! 
I  wot  that  MOSLYN,  CRAPE  AND  Co.  are  base  and  sorry  knaves. 
And  they  shall  wait  for  that  same  bill  until  I  list  to  pay, 
And  give  me  credit,  or  I  will  their  credit  take  away." 

"  Their  credit  is  past  marring,  Madam ;  credit  they  have  none — 
They  are  ruined,  MOSLYN,  CKAPE  AND  Co ;  they  have  failed  :  their  job 

is  done. 

They  are  bankrupts  now,  my  Lady,  and  this  bill,  -which  foul  fiends  seize ! 
Now  must  I,  will-I,  nill-I,  pay  unto  their  assignees." 

"  A  scurvy  sort  of  fellows  in  such  plaguy  wise  to  fail ! 
I  hope  the  caitift's  will  be  shent,  an  they  be  not  m  gaol, 
Bankrupts,  forsooth  !  and  why  did  they  not  mind  what  they  were  at  ? 
How,  marry,  came  they  so  to  break — to  work  so  ill  as  that  ?  " 

"  How,  marry,  Madam  ?  marry,  why  because  they  were  not  paid. 
Bills,  Madam,  bills  like  this  have  been  the  ruin  of  their  trade. 
Their  creditors  come  down  on  me,  to  pay  it  I  have  got ; 
Which  ye  should  whilom  long  have  done— and  wherefore  did  ye  not?  " 

"  Be  not  in  such  a  rage,  my  Lord ;  what  boot  to  stomfand  fret  ? 
So  many  things  have  happened  since,  in  sooth,  that  I  forget. 
The  wherefore,  for  the  life  of  me,  I  truly  cannot  say: 
But  one  thing  seemeth  clear  enough — I  somehow  did  not  pay." 

:'  Yea,  but  ye  had  the  money,  I  remember  me  right  well, 
For  grief  it  was  and  pain  to  me  so  great  a  sum  to  tell ;  _ 
And  now  I  must  endure  that  grief  and  undergo  that  pain, 
Of  shelling,that  enormous  sum  of  money  out  again." 

"  Tush,  tilly-vally,  good  my  Lord !  heed  not  a  little  cost ; 
The  money  hath  been  spent,  I  trow ;  so  none  thereof  is  lost. 
Needs  must  we  do  as  others  do,  and  dress  as  others  dress, 
Which,  certes,  were  not  to  be  done  and  cost  a  penny  less." 

"  Out  on  your  silks  and  sarcenet-stuffs,  your  trinkets  and  your  toys, 

A  murrain  upon  taffetas,  a  pest  on  paduasoys, 

The  dyvel  take  your  satins  and  likewise  your  bombazines, 

And  furbelows  and  flounces  all,  and  skirts,  and  Crinolines." 

"  Nay,  fair  and  softly,  FEATHEHHEAD,  bethink  yourself,  I  pray, 
One  may  not  out  of  fashion  be,  or  what  would  people  say  ? 
An  it  were  not  for  that,  in  faith,  right  little  should  I  care, 
And  seldom  run  up  any  bills  like  those  whereat  ye  swear." 

"  What  matters  it  what  people  say  ?    Consider  how  ye  use, 
Ever,  behind  each  other's  backs  each  other  to  abuse. 
To  please  the  world  ye  seek  in  vain,  I  wish  ye  would,  therefore, 
Throw  less  away  to  pleasure  it,  and  please  your  husbands  more." 

"  Gramercy  what  a  fuss  is  here  about  a  bill  unpaid, 
And  a  linendraper's  shop  shut  up — a  common  thing  in  trade ! 
Much  more  upon  this  matter  is  your  Lordship  fain  to  say  ? 
1  wis  my  carriage  waiteth — is  your  speech  to  last  all  day  ?  " 

"  Now  dash  my  coronet !— this  is  beyond  what  man  may  stand ; 
By  the  battle-axe  of  my  ancestors  !  by  my  fay !  by  this  right  hand ! 
Ha !  say  y9u  so,  my  Lady  ?    Well,  then,  I'll  do  I  know  what— 
I  '11  advertise  all  tradesmen  that— like  me— they  trust  you  not." 


Art  in  the  Dark  Ages. 

THE  MESSRS.  DAY  announce  a  new  lithographic  work— an  important 
feature  of  which  (and  in  our  eyes  a  very  ugly  one)  is  to  be  that  the 
stones,  after  having  printed  a  certain  number  of  copies,  are  to  be 
broken  up.  We  denounce  this  Vandalism  as  being  "  a  break  of  Day  " 
only  worthy  of  the  first  Dawn  of  Art.  Printsellers  seem  to  imagine 
that  there  is  nothing  like  broken  plates  and  stones  to  pave  their  way 
to  fortune.  Such  men,  having  first  made  their  penny  by  them,  would 
tear  up  RAPHAEL'S  cartoons,  and  make  pipe-lights  of  them ! 


RESIGNATION   AND   SERVICE. 


SIR  ROBERT  PEEL  has  resigned  for  the  Navy;  FREDERICK  PEEL  has 
resigned  for  the  Army.  Under  the  circumstances,  are  they  not  both 
to  be  praised  as  having  done  a  United  Service  ? 


MAY  23,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


203 


THE    ROGUE    AND    THE    RACEHORSE. 

HE  attention  of  noble- 
men    ami 

connected  wiih  the 
turf  is  invited  to  the 
subjoined  not!1;. 

d    by   the    civic 
Powers : — 

"HORSINU    THK    PRISON 

VAN.—  Guildhall,  London, 
May  4,  1867.— The  Com- 
mittee of  Aldermen  in  n  - 
lation  to  Gaols  hereby  give 
,  that  they  w 

•Ion.  on 
'luy,  the  :ith 
1867,    at    1 
Hy,   to  recei , 
poaals  in   writing,  scaled 
up,  frcnn  parties  williug  to 
'  ike  to  Hoi: 
VAN  every  working 
(l:iy,    to  uonvcy  prisoners 
t-i  and    from    the    City's 
ce    Rooms,     at     the 
M:IMM 

hall,  to   Newgate  and    the 
priwiii  at  Hollou-a 
aud   after    Mc-uilay.    nth 
day  of  May  iiistiuit" 

If     proprietors    of 
studs  want  to  dispose 
of    any    high-n-, 
racers  that  have  passed 
their  prime,  and  would 
lii 
animals  will  be  put  to 

they  will  do  well  to  tender  them  to  the  Committee  of  Aldermen,  in  order  to  hav*  titewased  in 
horsiii  deduced  raeehorses  cannot  be  more  suitably  employed   than  in 

the  conveyance  (if  rogues— a  class  of  accustomed  to.  and   by  whom  '< 

they  have  been  surrounded  all   their  live*.     A   racel,.,,  ire  of  attraction  to  a ! 

greater  number  of  scoundrels  t  han  any  other  thing  or  being  is  capable  of  collecting  about ! 
itself.  Wherever  that  creature's  living  carcase  is,  there  the  human  vultures,  kites,  and  i 
carrion  crows  are  gathered  together;  there  is  the  congregation  of  rascals,  knaves  in  the! 
stable,  swindlers,  blacklegs,  and  villains  on  the  turf.  It  is  fit  that  the  racehorse  should  partly  | 


bear  the  burden  which  he  may  be  said  to  have 
brought  upon  society,  and  assist  in  carting  - 
of  that   human  rubbish  out  of  the  way.     Tin- 
quadruped  is  associated  with  the  biped  brut.- 
when  the   latter  is  in  his  (irst  stage  (it    bettini.' 
man.    When,  by  a  gentle  and  easy  tran-, 
he  has  expanded  into  a  rogue,  the  animal  also 
having  subsided  into  a   hack,  let  their  eoimce 
tion  be  still  maintained,  and  let   so 
studs  be  worthily  employed  in  earn 
sporting  gents  to  gaol. 


Terpsichorean  Intelligence. 

A  FASHIONABLE  journalist  calls  MADLE. 
MICHELET,  the  new  opera  dancer,  premier  svjet 
de  dame.  We  hope  the  young  ladj  will  dance 
herself  still  higher  than  the  position  of  the  firM 
subject  of  dancing,  and  become  the  queen  of  that 
accomplishment. 


A  CASE  FOR  A  LADY'S  SCISSOKS. 

IF  Mr.  Punch  occasionally,  nay,  continually,  remonstrates  with  his 
beloved  sisters,  the  matrons  and  maidens  of  England,  upon  their  weak- 
nesses in  the  matter  of  shopping— if,  in  the  interest  of  domestic  hap- 
piness he  exhorts  them  to  be  moderate  and  economical  in  purchases — 
if  in  the  interest  of  humanity,  he  begs  them  to  purchase  by  daylight 
that  tradesmen  may  have  rest— if  in  the  interest  of  civilisation,  he 
warns  them  from  ironmongery-cam-crinoline — if,  in  short,  he  gives 
them  incessant  and  kindly  counsel,  not  unmixed  with  affectionate 
chiding,  at  need ;  of  a  surety  he  will  lift  up  his  voice,  and  also  his 
bludgeon  in  their  behalf,  when,  shopping  sensibly,  they  arc  objectionably 
treated. 

MRS.  ELIZABETH  HART,  with  money  in  her  purse,  enters  the  shop  of 
MESSRS.  SPENCE  AND  BUCHANAN,  77  and  ?s,  St.  Paul's  Churchyard, 
and  desires  to  se*e  some  of  the  silk  dresses  marked  in  their  window  at 
two  guineas.  Conducted  to  the  first  floor,  several  dresses  are  shown 
her.  MESSRS.  SI-ENCE  AND  Hi THAXAX'S  assistant  tells  her,  fairlv  that  I 
though  purporting  to  be  silk,  the  bpdy  of  the  dresses  shown  her  is 
cotton.  Ihe  lady  declines  the  hybrid  article,  and  asks  for  one  of  a1 
higher  qualit  y,  and  is  shown  a  dress  at  £3  8*.  6rf.,  which  she  purchases 
and  takes  away  with  her.  <  In  examination  this,  too,  proves  of  a  double 
nature,  'the  silk  given  for  the  body  and  skirt  being  of  a  totally 
different  character  from  that  of  the  rest."  The  dress  having  been 

tacked  111  folds,"  MRS.  HART  could  not  open  it  out,  and  examine  it 
in  the  shop.  She  goes  baek  to  MESSRS.  SJT.XCE  AND  Brcii  \x  \x  sees 
AtR.  SPEMCB,  who,  she  slates,  is  "  yen  s.-iuey,"  and  who  refuses  to 
return  her  money ;  but,  according  to  MRS.  HART,  offers  to  change  the 
dress  ii  sin-  will  buy  one  at  a  higher  price."  Instead  of  doing  this 
the  lady  departs,  and  straightway  obtains  from  the  Guildhall  magistrate  a 
summons  against  SFENCE  "for  obtaining  money  under  false  pretences." 

The  case  was  heard  by  ALDERMAN  HALE,  whose  remarks,  throughout 
appear  to  have  hem  dictated  by  the  most  deliratc  regard  for  the 
tradesman  s  feelings,  aud  who  had  (as  reported)  not  a  syllable  to  say 
upon  the  system  out  of  which  the  case  arose.  For  anything  that  fell 
irom  this  alderman,  he  may  hold  that  all  is  fair  in  trade"  as  in  love  and  i 
t  lint  caveat  empfor  is  the  rule  of  commerce.  He  asked  whether  ladies  ! 
i  L ?XDect  1-'lc  hidden  part  of  a  dress  to  be  of  inferioi  quality  •  inti-  i 
mated  his  expectation  that  the  press  would  correct  a  misstatcme'iit  in  a 


former  report  calculated  to  injure  SPENCE  AND  BUCHANAN  ;  told  MRS. 
HART  that  she  ought  to  have  exercised  her  own  judgment ;  and  having 
invited  SPENCE  to  bring  a  witness  to  the  character  of  his  goods,  inter- 
posed between  him  and  MRS.  HART'S  question  (put  with  womanly 
instinct)  whether  the  witness  who  was  brought  was  not  from  the  house 
that  supplied  SPENCE  AND  BUCHANAN  with  these  very  dresses. 

A  similar  case  had  previously  occurred,  by  Mu.  SPEXCE'S  admission, 
in  which  an  aggrieved  party  had  made  his  complaint  at  the  same 
court,  but  MR.  Branca  "  had  changed  that  dress,"  and  was  so  ready 
to  impute  "  malice  "  against  parties  not  present  to  reply,  that  even 
the  alderman  was  compelled  to  remonstrate.  A  very  alderman  could 
see  that  there  was  no  prime!  facie  evidence  of  malice  in  the  coni). 
of  persons  who,  desiring  and  supposing  themselves  to  buy  one  thing, 
had  another  given  them.  But  ALDERMAN  HALE  had  not  even  a  word 
of  remark  (as  reported)  upon  the  coincidence  of  cases.  In  fact,  all 
the  wisdom  that  came  out  of  the  mouth  of  the  namesake  of  SIR 
.  in  dismissing  the  summons,  was  that,  the  inquiry  would  be 
attended  with  some  good,  for  it  would  induce  ladies  to"  look  more 
carefully  at  what  they  were :  buying.  But  MRS.  HART,  with  feminine 
desire  to  vindicate  herself  from  having  done  a  foolish  thing,  declared 
that  "  having  been  in  a  respectable  shop  she  had  not  expected  any 
imposition,"  and  it  was  not  very  nnfeminiiie  (for  woman  likes  the 
liould  tag  the  moral  of  the  Aldennaiiie  SOLOMON 
with  the  remark,  that  the  inquiry  would  also  deter  in  from 

entering  that  shop. 

Well,  no,  M  us.  HART.  Do  not  be  unjust  in  your  indignation. 
Tradesmen  must  live,  and  ladies  must  keep  them  alive.  CHIEF  J USTICE 
JERVIS,  as  cited  in  a  case  reported  on  the  same  day  as  the  SPENCE  AND 
BUCHANAN  affair,  said  that  trade  ought  to  be  made  to  bend  to  the  law, 
and  not  the  law  to  the  habits  of  tradesmen.  This  is  Arcadian  nonsense, 
which  one  might  expect  from  Chief  Justices,  but  at  which  Aldermen 
need  not  be  deterred  from  entering  SI-KXCE  and 
BUCUAXAX'S,  provided  that  they  take  a  pair  of  scissors  with  them,  and 
when  buyii  'tacked  infolds,"  they  snip  the  tacking 

and  in  obedience  to  ALDERMAN  HALE'S  dictum,  "exercise  their  own 
judgment." 


T11K  WKAT1IKK   IN   PAIUS. 

Tin:  easterly  winds,  which  have  recently  pre- 
vailed  in   Paris,  were  attributed   entirely  to  the 
?•'!'  th'.i    Cmxu    |)i  M;    COBSTAKTOrE. 
t  is  said,  that  he  broii!_'li'    them  with   him  from 
the  North.     To  PRINCE   NAPOLKUX   I 
extremely  cutting.    He  experienced  a  chill,  the 
like  of  which  he  has  not  felt  since  he  was  in 
the  Crimea.     He  instantly  ran  away  from  Paris, 
and  never  stopped  till  he  re 
the  departure  of  the  (ii;\xn  Hi  KK,  the  weather 
has   been  considerably  warmer.    We  regret  to 
considerable  an  '-image  has 

been  done  by  His  btPBMAl  iln.iiM^s  having 
rashly  ventured  to  look  into  the  aratigerie  at 
the  Tuilerics.  The  majority  of  the  trees  were 
diately  nipped,  as  by  'a  severe  frost,  and 
are  not  expected  to  recover. 


Ti(KNr,ri'(  it  ITSL  QUESTION  .—The  only  Neufchatel  Question  that  we 
care  about  is,  "  Won't  you  have  a  glass  of  port  wine  wit  h  your  cheese  ?  " 


A     POSER. 

Darling.  "On,  MAMMA,  DEAR!   WHAT  SPLENDID  FLOWERS!" 

Mamma.  " YES,  DEAR,  PUT  IT  DOWN.    THAT  is  MY  WREATH.    I'M  GOING  TO  THE  OPERA!" 

Darling.  "On!  AND  WHEN  I  GROW  A  BIG  LADY,  MAY  I  WEAR  A  WREATH,  AND  GO  TO  THE  OPERA? 

Mamma.  "  WELL,  DEAR,  I  HOPE  so ! "  ,  „ 

Darling.  "WHAT,  AND  TAKE  MY  BEAUTIFUL  VELVET  AND  GOLD  CHURCH  SERVICE  UNCLE  CHARLES  GAVE 


THE  MANCHESTER  EXHIBITION. 

WE  read  with  very  painful  emotion  the  subjoined  paragraph  in  the 
Times  respecting  the  observance  of  the  Sabbath  at  the  Manchester 
Fine  Arts  Exhibition  -.— 

"  During  Sunday,  of  course,  the  building  was  closed  to  the  public,  and  a  brigade 
of  photographers  took  advantage  of  the  dies  mm  to  make  copies  of  many  of  the 
cheli-<t<euvrr  for  COLNAOHI'S  work  on  the  Exhibition,  which  will  be  an  enduring 
record  of  the  marvellous  works  which,  for  the  first  time  in  England's  history,  at 
least,  have  ever  been  brought  together." 

The  elect  of  Exeter  Hall  may  not  be  aware  that  this  "CpLNAGHi's 
work  "  is  patronised  bv  the  QUEEN,  who  thus  unconsciously  is  made  to 
patronise  the  Sabbath-oreakeis.  Will  Scotland  remain  tranquil  under 
this  dire  intelligence?  There  came  last  year  a  pious  remonstrance 
from  the  north  taking  HER  MAJESTY  reverently  to  task  for  the  seventh- 
day  bands  in  Windsor  Park.  Is  nothing  to  be  said  against  the  sacri- 
lege of  this  Sabbath  brigade  of  photographers  ;  or,  as  darkened  photo- 
graphers, do  they  claim  the  seventh  day  as  a  Sun-day  ? 


A  POPULAR  DELUSION. 

IT  is  an  error  to  suppose  that  a  man  belongs  to  himself.  No  man. 
does.  He  belongs  to  his  wife,  or  his  children,  or  his  relations,  or 
his  creditors,  or  to  Society  in  some  form  or  other.  It  is  for  their 
especial  good  and  behalf  that  he  lives  and  works,  and  they  kindly 
allow  him  to  retain  a  certain  per-centage  of  his  gains  to  administer  to 
his  own  pleasures  or  wants.  He  has  his  body,  and  that  is  all,  and 
even  for  that  he  is  answerable  to  Society.  In  short,  Society  is  the 
Master,  and  Man  is  the  Sen-ant ;  and  it  is  entirely  according  as  Society 
proves  a  good  or  bad  master,  whether  the  Man  turns  out  a  good  or 
Dad  servant. 


PROBABLE  LEGAL  ACCIDENTS. 

AT  the  Middlesex  Sessions  last  week  GEORGE  COOK,  ex-policeman, 
cobbler  and  thief,  received  as  the  reward  of  a  long  series  of  achieve- 
ments in  the  latter  capacity,  a  sentence  of  four  years'  penal  servitude ; 
and  the  police  report  of  the  Times  mentions  that — 

"  It  was  stated  that  during  the  time  the  prisoner  was  in  the  Police  force,  he  was 
very  active  in  getting  up  cases,  and  many  prisoners  had  been  transported  upon  hi 
evidence.    He  was  known  by  the  cognomen  of  JONATHAN  WILD." 

The  principle  of  setting  a  thief  to  catch  a  thief  may  be  a  judicious 
one  for  the  end  in  view,  but  thieves  are  generally  apt  to  catch  whatever 
they  can,  and  such  a  rascal  as  GEORGE  COOK  would  be  by  no  means 
unlikely  to  accuse  innocent  persons  if  it  suited  his  purpose  to  do  so. 
Of  the  many  prisoners  who  have  been  transported  on  the  evidence  ol 
this  JONATHAN  WILD  THE  LITTLE,  we  should  like  to  know  how  many 
have  been  wrongfully  condemned.  Would  it  be  too  much  trouble  lor 
SIR  GEORGE  GREY  to  make  some  inquiry  on  this  point  ?  He  will  per- 
haps find  that  several  unfortunate  persons,  victims  of  MR.  COOK  s 
evidence,  are  now  undergoing  punishment  for  having  done  nothing, 
for  which  crime  his  Home  Secretaryship  may  then,  if  he  will  be  so 
merciful,  advise  HER  MAJESTY  to  grant  the  miserable  offenders  a. 
"  free  pardou."  ^^^^^^^^__ 

Mozart's  Origin. 

A  GERMAN  etymologist  prides  himself  on  having  found  out  the 
meaning  of  MOZART'S  name.  He  says,  "It  is  derived  from  Mus,  the 
abbreviation  of  Music,  afterwards  corrupted  into  Moz  ;  and  Art,  that 
explains  itself.  Thus,  he  chuckles  over  the  discovery  that  MOZART  is 
the  same  as  Mus-ART,  and  means  literally,  "  The  Art  of  Music. '  For 
once,  we  are  half  inclined  to  believe  in  German  philology. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MAT  23,  1857. 


THE    JOLLY    GARDENER. 

JACK  R-SS-LL  (A  KIVAI.  GABDENER).  "POOH!    YOU'LL  HAVE  THE  SEASON  OVER  BEFORE  YOU'VE  GOT 

ENOUGH  FOR  A  DISH!" 


MAY  23,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


207 


CUFFEY. 

E  always  liked  little 
CUITEY,  the  tailor,  the 
goose-hero  of  Cliaitism. 
We  never  snared  a  good 
word  for  CmmT,  the 
honest  and  resolute, 
when  CuFi'EY  was  mag- 
nified into  a  traitor,  and 
held  up  his  thimblc-fin- 
jer  in  the  dock  of  his 
Newjrate  and  his  coun- 
try. CurTKY,  \vithothers 
less  genial,  less  honest, 
was  wafted  away  from 
his  humble  English  shop- 
board  to  sit  cross-legged, 
exiled  and  a  captive.  U  < 
have  every  hope  that 
the  change  was  all  the 
better  for  the  patriot. 
We  have  every  belief 
that  fortune  will  yet 
smile  upon  CUFFEY.  and 
that  his  goose  will  yet 
lay  many  golden  eggs.  Chartism  being  entirely  sewed  up,  what  more 
has  a  patriot  and  a  tailor  to  do  with  it  ?  No— and  so  liberated  from 
his  bonds,  CUFFEY  shall  henceforth  sit  under  his  own  monster 
cabbage  and  reap  the  fruits  of  all  he  sews. 

Vigilant  TOM  BUNCOMBE — for  no  tortoiseshell  Tom  was  ever  more 
vigilant — has  inquired  in  the  House  about  CUFFEY,  and  the  answer — 
it  will  please  even  the  aristocracy  of  the  merchant  tailors  to  know  it — 
was  satisfactory.  Why  had  not  WILLIAM  CUFFEY  obtained  his  pardon 
with  some  28  prisoners  amnested  on  the  declaration  of  peace  ? 

SIR  GEORGE  GREY  said  it  was  possible  there  had  been  some  delay ; 
but  "  as  WILLIAM  CUFFEY'S  name  was  on  the  list,  he  would  receive  his 
pardon  the  same  as  the  others."  (loud  cheers  from  Mr.  PuncA). 

Now,  we  know  not  whether,  in  imitation  of  JOHN  FROST,  WILLIAM 
CUFFEY  will  return  to  England  •  but  we  think  we  may  venture  to 
promise  for  CUFFEY  that,  unlike  FROST,  he  will  not  seek  to  enter  Lon- 
don as  a  martyr.  We  are  fain  to  answer  for  the  Chartist  tailor  that 
he  will  not  leave  the  Goose-and-Gridiron  with  a  band  of  music  for 
Primrose  Hill,  there  to  promise  a  speedy  effusion  of  his  blood,  if  neces- 
sary, for  the  slaves  of  labour  and  the  serfs  of  the  aristocracy.  Never- 
theless, should  CUFFEY  return,  let  him  be  fully  and  peaceably  feasted. 
Let  him'  be  invited  to  a  way-goose.  Let  the  goose  be  well  stuffed,  so 
that  a  political  moral  may  in  the  stuffing  be  cunningly  mingled.  Let 
the  onions  call  to  the  recollection  of  the  patriot  the  tears  of  his  exile, 
whilst  the,  sage  shall  instruct  him  in  better  -wisdom  for  the  future. 
And  when  CUFKEY  shall  have  passed  away  to  the  domain  of  shades,  to 
the  place  of  PIIOCION  and  CATO  and  SC^VOLA,  then 

"  O'er  his  tomb  may  bright  thyme  and  aweet  marj'ram  wave, 
And  fat  be  the  gander  that  foods  on  hia  grave." 

How  strange  it  is  that  in  due  season  things  melt  and  change  into 
one  another.  There  was  a  time  when  the  resolute,  fire-eating,  but 
withal  frank-hearted  tailor  was  a  little  dangerous,  and  then  Cuffeyism 
was  indeed  Chartism ;  and  now  CUFFEY  is  so  subdued,  so  utterly  harm- 
less, nay,  we  will  say  it,  CUFFEY  so  insignificant,  that  Chartism  is 
Cuffeyism. 

"Unity  is  Strength  "-of  Appetite. 

THE  Unity  Bank,  at  its  opening,  gave  a  grand  dinner  at  the  London 
Tavern,  which  cost  not  less  than  £591.  This  strikes  us  as  a  novel 
way  of  a  Bank  devouring  its  capital.  Was  the  item  put  down  to  the 
"  Deposit  Account,"  or  included  in  the  "  Sinking  Fund  ? "  The  share- 
holders of  the  British  Bank  had  their  money  forked  out  by  the 
Directors,  but  at  the  Unity  it  would  seem  as  if  the  depositors'  money 
was  knife-and-ibrked  out.  The  principle  would  appear  to  be : — "  Eat, 
that  you  may  have  a  good  dividend  ?  " 


THE  PERILS  OF  PIANO-PLAYING. 

WK  eopy  the  subjoined  paragraph  from  the  programme  of  a  recent 
"  high  art "  Concert  :— 

"  With  this  discord  begin*  the^Bate  ff  aud  at  the  fifth  bar.  in  rapid  descent,  hurled 
/ram  OKI  lop  to  the  bottom  a/  tti»  Murwnrma  volcano,  aa  M.  L»»z  culls  it,  a  hurricane^  «f 
note*  plunge  into  the  alrau  below,  a  few  passages  of  octavo*  iu  the  baaa  dimin.  leading 
to  the  subject  at  the  twentieth  bar." 

If  it  be  liillicult  to  fancy  a  volcanic  hurricane,  we  are  still  more 
puzzled  to  imafrine  how,  as  in  this  instance,  the  idea  of  one  could  be 
suggested  by  a  piece  on  the  piano.  Had  it  been  a  trombone,  or  an 
ophicleide,  or  ;i  pair  of  bagpipes,  perhaps  the  comparison  might  have 
less  astonished  us.  Hut  u  hurricane  on  the  jiiauo  is  the  less  easy  to 
conceive  of,  serina  the  pinno  is  not  r\en  a  wind  instrument. 

We  have  heard  of  performers  piviug  themselves  airs,  and  it  is  not 
i  uncommon,  we  believe,  to  find  a   first-rate  artiste  apt  to  storm  a  bit 
occasionally.    Their  blustering,  however,  is  all  done  behind  the  scenes, 
and  not  allowed  to  interfere  with  the  comfort  of  the  public.    But  when 
we  hear  that  a  hurricane  has  happened  at  a  concert,  we  think,  with 
trembling,  that  the  audience  might  have  all  been  blown  away  by  it.    In 
the  above  case  happily  we  m*y  assume  that  they  escaped,  as  we  have 
seen  no  mention  in  the  papers  to  t  he  contrary.    It  will  be  well,  how- 
ever, when  such  pieces  are  performed  ill  future,  to  announce  for  the 
j  assurance  of  the  nervous  public,  that  the  audience  will  be  properly 
protected  against  accidents.    We  arc  not  afraid  in  general  of  what  is 
called  "descriptive"  music,  except  that  we  have  sometimes  a  fear  of 
being  bored  by  it.    But  when  it  be  of  the  description  mentioned  in  our 
j  extract,  and  combines  the  attributes  of  simooms  and  volcanoes,  we 
I  confess  we  should  hardly  think  it  safe  to  sit  it  out,  unless,  as  a  pre- 
j  ventive  to  our  annihilation,  we  were  permitted  to  be  tied  down  to 
j  our  seat,  and  clothed  from  head  to  foot  in  unburnable  asbestos. 


St.  Jaiiuarius  and  St.  Palmerston. 

KING  BOMBA  has  just  expressed  himself  delighted  with  "the  mira- 
culous liquefaction  of  the  blood  of  St.  Januarius."  What  has  PAL- 
MERSTON to  say  to  the  aforesaid  BOMBA  of  the  blood  of  the  murdered 
Englishman,  MR.  BLANDFORD,  butchered  in  the  streets  of  Naples? 
One  may  be  a  miracle,  but  the  other  is  a  murder.  One,  as  a  miracle, 
BOMBA  may  not  be  able  to  account  for  • -but  the  other,  as  a  homicidal 
fact,  must  be  duly  considered  and  as  duly  answered. 


AN  UNFAVOURABLE    COMPARISON. 
1842.  The  DOKE  OF  OKI.KANS  takes  Constantino. 
1857.  The  PRINCE  NAPOLEON  runs  away  from  Conatautine. 


THE  KNEE-I'LUSH  ULTRA. 

IK  the  Times  of  May  14  may  be  read  the  original  of  the  subjoined 
advertisement : — 

C"OOTMAN — a  good-looking  yonng  fellow,  tall  and  hanctaontp,  looks 
A  well  behind  a  carriage,  age  21,  height  5  feet  1H  inches,  broad  shoulders  and 
extentwe  calves.  Two  years'  good  character.  Family  with  town  house  preferred, 
and  « preference  for  Belgravia  or  the  north-side  of  Hyde  Park.  Address  to  A.  M.  D. , 
Port  Office,  Orenvjlle  Street,  Brunswick  Square. 

Now,  is  A.  M.  D.  chargeable  with  conceit  of  height,  with  vanity^ of 
shoulders  P  By  no  means ;  he  merely  addresses  himself  to  the  preju- 
dices of  the  plush-market;  and  when  he  speaks  of  his  "extensive 
calves,"  he  merely  proves  that  he  perfectly  well  knows  the  asses  he 
appeals  to. . 

The  Doctors  in  Danger. 

MR.  HEADLAM  has  introduced  his  Medical  Bill  into  the  present 
Parliament.  LORD  ELCHO  has  brought  in  a  rival  measure.  The 
medical  profession  is  recommended  to  be  on  the  alert,  lest  these 
doctors'  bills  should  be  bills  which  the  doctors  will  have  to  pay,  in 
paying  a  monstrous  fine  for  registration,  that  is,  a  fine  much  exceeding 
one  shilling.  The  circulation  of  the  profession  generally  is  in  a  low 
state.  It  is  deficient  as  regards  the  circulating  medium.  It  will  not 
stand  depletion,  and  the  abstraction  of  a  very  small  amount  may  in 
niany  cases  occasion  a.  sinking  of  a  frightful  character,  terminating 
in  fatal  collapse.  

DEFINITION,  BY   A  CTKICAL  BRT/TZ. 

THE  MOST  DELICATE  ATTENTION. — Inattention,  when  a  man  is 
talking  nonsense,  or  a  woman  is  talking  at  alL 


208 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  23,  1857. 


PEGASUS,  BY  OUR  IRISH  ARTIST. 


A  BLAZE   AT  A  BOAT-RACE. 

ONE  has  heard  of  "words  that  burn,"  but  one  would 
hardly  look  to  meet  with  them  beneath  the  heading  of 
"  Aquatics."  Nevertheless,  in  the  Times'  report  of  the  late 
boat-race,  the  description  gets  so  glowing  that  it  makes  one 
hot  to  read  it.  The  writer  clearly  must  have  "warmed 
with  his  subject "  to  at  least  the  extent  of  ten  or  twelve 
degrees,  before  he  could  have  penned  such  a  passage  as  the 
following : — 

"  It  may  be  as  well  to  observe  that,  although  from  the  number  I 
of  steamers  present,  the  Thames  appeared  to  have  one  huge  furnace 
upon  it,  the  care  and  attention  oi'Mn.  BDRNEY,  Superintendent  of  the 
Citizen  steamboats,  and  of  MR.  SAWYER,  Superintendent  of  the  Irou 
boats,  prevented  any  collision  or  confusion." 

Really,  when  one  hears  of  this  "  huge  furnace,"  and  this 
MR.  BUHNEY  being  on  it,  one  almost  wonders  that  between 
them  they  didn't  somehow  set  the  Thames  on  fire:  and 
one  inclines  to  some  astonishment  to  find  that  the  match 
did  not  end  in  a  dead  heat.  Rowing  for  the  Champion- 
ship must  be  quite  warm  work  enough  to  make  the  slightest 
increase  of  the  temperature  oppressive:  but  perhaps  the 
presence  of  so  many  steamers  is  found  in  some  degree  to 
stimulate  the  rowers,  inciting  them  to  put  on  extra  steam 
themselves,  for  fear  of  being  run  over.  Still  we  think  that 
in  such  cases  accidents  from  fire  are  not  at  all  unlikely  to 
happen  on  the  water ;  and  if  the  race  is  to  become  such  a 
fiery  ordeal,  we  should  seriously  advise  all  contenders  for 
the  Championship  to  have  their  rowing-dresses  manufac- 
tured of  asbestos. 


CHARLES   AND  JOSEPH  SURFACE. 

ALL  fatal  news  is  briefly  told.    We  find 

Both  the  PEELS  have— and  England  is— resigned. 


Austrian  Mercy. 

THE  EMPEROB  OP  AUSTRIA  pardons  all  Hungarian 
"  rebels  "  who  are  not  in  foreign  countries.  His  MAJESTY 
is  very  merciful.  Had  these  rebels  not  been  out  of  his 
clutches,  they  would  have  been  in  his  dungeons,  or  in  their 
graves. 


THE    SOCIAL    TREAD-MILL.    No.  4. 

"  MB.  PUNCH, 

"  OF  dinners,  public  and  private,  family  and  festive,  pot-luck 
and  ceremonious,  on  one's  own  mahogany,  or  in  a  Greenwich  or  Rich- 
mond hotel,  what  sufferer  but  lias  most  painful  experiences?  This 
meal,  intended  as  it  is  for  our  solace  and  sustentatiou,  has  somehow 
been  erected  into  the  engine  of  tome  of  our  heaviest  social  tortures,  i 
Indeed  so  many  recollections  of  suffering— in  palate,  stomach,  spirits, 
purse,  temper — crowd  upon  me  with  the  word  '  dinner,'  that  I  feel  an 
embarrassment  of  bitternesses.  I  am  puzzled  in  what  order  to  marshal 
my  black  bill-of-fare— how  to  arrange  its  entreet—io  say  which  of  all 
its  monstrous  grievances  ought  to  figure  as  pieces  de  resistance— -to 
usher  in  the  entremets  of  annoyance,  the  hors  d'ceuvres  of  wrong,  so 
as  to  give  each  its  due  value— to  set  out  and  garnish  the  sours  which 
do  duty  for  its  sweets,  the  unmerited  oppressions  which  may  stand  for 
its  dessert,  so  that  nothing  shall  be  lost  of  their  acrid  and  irritating 
flavour. 

"  The  public  dinner — you  will  perhaps  say — is  the  heavier  inflic- 
tion; but  then  the  private  dinner  is  of  most  frequent  recurrence. 
If,  as  I  admit,  the  festive  meal  bears  off  the  palm  for  wearisomeness, 
the  family  repast  is  the  more  meagre  and  monotonous.  Who  shall 
strike  the  balance  between  the  discomfort  of  '  pot-luck '  and  the  icy 
pretentiousness  of  the  set  entertainment  ?  Who  shall  accurately  weigh 
his  anxiety,  who  invites  his  friends  to  his  own  house,  against  the 
penalties  of  him  who  asks  his  acquaintance  to  a  spread>t  the  Trafalgar, 
or  the  Star  and  Garter  ? 

"  Take  thee  as  we  will,  dinner,  thou  art  a  bitter  draught !  Whether 
I  encounter  thee  upon  washing  days,  under  the  mean  misery  of  cold 
shoulder,  or  at  festal  seasons  of  the  year,  beliind  the  monotonous  mask 
of  boiled  fowl  and  saddle  of  mutton — whether  thou  lurkest  in  the  stale 
soup  and  flaccid  salmon  of  the  Freemasons'  Tavern,  'or  strikest  chill 
into  my  soul  over  the  starched  white  neckcloths  of  Belgravia — whether 
thou  leapest  forth  on  me  unawares  from  the  ambush  of  an  unceremo- 
nious invitation,  or  offerest  me  up,  a  solemn  sacrifice,  in  the  lingering 
agonies  of  a  fortnight's  notice — whatever  the  figure,  form,  fashion  of 
the  Dinner-torture,  I  do,  hereby,  denounce  it,  and  call  on  all  my  fellow 
sufferers  to  aid  me  in  putting  it  clown !  We  no  longer  press  criminals 
to  death  in  Newgate,  if  they  refuse  to  plead :  the  rack  has  been  chopped 


up  and  burnt  for  firewood  long  ago :  Smithfield  faggots  survive  only  m 
the  speeches  of  MR.  SPOONER,  and  the  dreams  of  the  old  ladies  to 
whom  CARDINAL  WISEMAN  is  as  Bogey,  and  MR.  WESIERTON  as  an 
augel  of  light :  the  pillory  has  been  discarded  as  brutal:  even  whipping 
at  the  cart's  tail  has  been  put  down,  as  too  savage  a  punishment.  And 
yet— inconsistent  beings  that  we  are— we  keep  up  the  dinner-torture 
in  full  vigour !  It  was  never  more  severely  and  sternly  inflicted  than 
now  —  jn  this  soft-hearted  nineteenth  century,  which  coddles  its 
criminals,  beweeps  its  burglars,  and  tends  its  Ticket-of-leave  men  with 
a  more  than  parental  tenderness.  These  men  have  offended  against 
the  laws.  But  what  have  we  done  to  deserve  dinners  ? 

"  But  I  would  not  be  misunderstood.  It  is  not  that  I  have  any  ob- 
jection to  dinner  in  the  abstract— to  dinner  as  a  part  of  the  social 
economy.  Quite  the  contrary.  Tew  people  more  highly  respect  the  meal, 
or  are  more  grateful  for  a  good  one  than  I  am.  I  complain  of  dinner, 
not  as  it  might,  could,  or  should  be,  but  as  it  is— as  we  have  made  it. 
A  cruel  ingenuity  has  been  shown  in  perverting  into  a  weariness 
and  an  oppression  an  institution  which  might  be  eminently  pleasant 
and  profitable ;  indeed,  which  must  be  eminently  pleasant  and  profitable, 
when  properly  understood,  and  set  about  in  a  genial,  honest,  unpre- 
tending, unselfish  spirit.  My  readers  must  bear  in  mind  that  I  am 
writing  neither  for  the  cream  of  the  cream  of  society,  nor  for  the  dregs 
of  the  dregs.  My  shafts  are  aimed  neither  at  His  Grace  the  DUKE  OF 
BEAUMANOIR,  nor  at  BILL  the  Costermonger.  I  eschew  alike  the  stately 
family-mansions  of  Grosvenor  Square  and  the  squalid  tenements  of 
Drury  Lane.  I  sail  in  the  great  Mediterranean — the  middle  sea.  . 
appeal  to  the  sympathies  of  that  vast  class  which  touches  the  House  of 
Peers  by  its  upper  strata,  and  includes  the  Trade  Directory  lin  its 
lower — of  that  enormous  body  of  my  fellow-citizens  to  whose  daily  life 
state  and  splendour,  profuse  expenditure,  and  large  establishments  arc- 
unfamiliar— the  great  bulk  of  whom  rarely  soar  above  a  single  footman, 
with  perhaps  a  satellite  in  buttons ;  and  who,  if  they  rise  beyond  the 
humble  cab  or  politer  fly,  stop  for  the  most  part  at  the  modest  Brougham 
or  cozy  Clarence ;  rarely  affecting  the  cumbrous  chariot,  or  the  for- 
midable family-coach.  To  this  order  I  am  proud  to  belong,  and  in  this 
wide  zone,  with  occasional  glimpses  into  the  stately  region  of  aristo- 
cratic state  above  me,  and  the  too  squalid  domain  of  hard-labour 
and  poverty  below,  my  experiences — dinner  and  other — have  been 
gathered. 


"  They  have  been  as  various  as  painful.  BRI!  dinners  assume  so 
many  forms.  Take  our  family  dinners,  for  example.  These,  as  a  rule, 
are  made  miserable  from  culpable  carelessness,  and  neglect  of  Heaven's 
good  gifts,  which  would  be  insolent,  if  it  were  not  so  ignorant^  0 
young  women  of  Kucdand,  if  you  but  knew  how  much  cl< -p. 
dinners!  Ion  inclined,  sometimes,  to.  think  that  the  pivot  on  which 
the  fortunes  of  bome-happineM  hang,  is  planted  in  the  centre  of  the 
dining-table.  Do  not  imagine  me  that  most  odious  of  human  creatures 
epicure.  I  am  iinnr,  1  protect,  unless  it  be  ac- 
cording to  (hi1  sailor's  interpretation  of  the  word,  '  a  beggar  that  can 
eat  anything.'  I  have  an  excellent  and  most  accommodating  appetite. 
I  can  be  happv  with  :i  leg  of  mutton,  I  am  t  hank/til  to  say.  Nay,  I  am 
that  domestic  pearl  beyond  price— A  MAN  WHO  l.lKKs  COLD 

MUTTON  !  lie  composed,  ladies.  Do  not  rn-.li  to  each  other's  polls. 
Let  your  pretty  caps  remain  nnpulled  tor  me.  I  AM  married. 

"  But  while  I  avow  myself  content  with  a  leg  of  mutton,  1  must 
insist,  on  it  that  the  mutton  shall  be  good  mutton,  and  tint  it,  shall  be 
done  to  a  tutu.  1  say,  1  have  a  ri^hl  to  insist  on  this.  IVing,  as  1  am, 
endowed  with  an  apparatus  of  palate,  tongue,  fauces,  most  cunningly 
constructed  to  apprehend,  retain,  and  distinguish  flavours — with  a 
nerve  fibruncle,  probably,  for  every  distinct  impression  of  taste  whicli 
I  am  destined  to  receive  in  my  whole  life— I  feel  it  nothing  less  than  a 
religious  duty  to  keep  this  machinery  agreeably  and  delicately  em- 
ployed. I  am  bound  to  cultivate  my  gustatory  taste,  as  1  am  my 
aesthetic— in  the  same  manner,  if  not  in  the  same  degree.  On  the  same 
principle  that  I  refuse  to  condemn  the  latter  to  a  diet  of^  MAESTRO 
VTE'S  music,  or  a  course  of  the  colossal  pictures  of  SPRAWL,  of 
the  '  British  Artists '  or  of  the  miniature  nwtwrw*  of  MINMKIX — Asso- 
ciate that  is,  Academician  that  hopes  to  be— I  object  to'coudemn  my 
gustatory  organs  to  Newgate  market  Saturday  night  mutton,  or  to 
Hungerford  market  Sunday  morning  fish ;  or,  be  my  mutton  and  fish 
of  the  best,  to  the  former  under  or  overdone,  or  the  latter  half-boiled, 
or  fried  in  bad  oil  over  a  slow  fire. 

"  I  fearlessly  assert,  that  while  we  have  a  choice  of  good  and  bad 
viands,  so  long  as  there  is  a  distinction  between  good  cooking  and  bad 
— be  the  meat  of  the  simplest  and  the  cooking  of  the  plainest — it  is 
absolute  guilt  in  a  wife  to  be  careless  which  she  gives  her  husband, 
positive  sin  in  a  husband  to  be  indifferent  which  is  provided  by  his 
wife.  I  would  have  young  women  brought  up  in  this  conviction — in  a 
respect  for  the  institution  of  dinner — in  a  reverence  for  the  art  of 
cookery — in  a  practical  warfare  against  the  doctrine  that  '  God  sends 
meat,  arid  the  devil  sends  cooks.'  I  grieve  to  say  that'  this  part  of 
female  education,  so  far  as  I  can  ascertain,  is  now  utterly  neglected. 
It  was  not  always  so.  Our  great-grandmothers  were  early  initiated 
into  the  culinary  mysteries.  Witness  those  family  receipt-books— 
arcaua  of  ancient  kitchen  lore— laboriously  compiled,  reverently 
studied  in  the  parlour  and  the  hall,  and  only  communicated  to  the 
kitchen,  as  oracles  were  transmitted  of  old  to  those  who  consulted 
them,  with  religious  ceremony  and  awful  pomp.  Not  that  those  fair 
heads  ever  stooped  their  powdered  piles  over  a  stew-pan,  or  exposed 
their  rouge  and  patches  to  the  blaze  of  a  kitchen  range.  They  planned'; 
their  subordinates  executed.  The  intellectual  conception  of  dish  or 
dinner  belonged  to  the  mistress  ;  the  manual  execution  was  confided 
to  the  cook-maid. 

"  That  was  the  proper  division  of  labour.  No  lady  has  any  business 
to  meddle  with  spit  or  casserole.  Cooking  is  an  art,  and  should  have 
its  professors,  who  must  not  be  rashly  interfered  with.  Amateur 
cooking  is  like  amateur  fiddling,  or  amateur  painting.  The  non-pro- 
fessional and  the  professional  performances  should  never  be  inter- 
mixed. But  just  as  good  professional  music  or  painting  demands 
trained  unprofessional  ears  or  eyes  to  judge,  and  enlightened  unpro- 
fessional patronage  to  guide  it,  so  the  good  cook  requires  intelligent 
eaters,  and  above  all,  an  appreciative  and  cultivated  mistress  to  direct 
and  encourage  her  efforts. 

''  lint  how  seldom  can  cooks  now-a-days  count  upon  such  mistresses ! 

"  Here  I  must  break  off  for  the  present.  My  subject  opens  more  and 
more  widely  upon  me.  I  feel  there  is  matter  in  it  for  many  letters  from 

"  A  SUFFERER." 


A  MEAN  WRETCH-JUST  LIKE  'EM. 

Mr.  Jones.  How  pretty  your  bonnet  looks,  my  dear. 
.Mrs.  Jones.  Lor,  HENRY,  it  is  quite  an  old  one. 
Mr.  Jones.  That  fact  constitutes  its  chief  prettiness,  my  economical 
love. 

^  And  the  creature,  with  one  of  his  provoking  smiles,  could  go  out  and 
join  in  a  dinner  at  the  Ship  at  Greenwich,  and  what  he  calls 
charter  a  Hansom  to  get  baek  to  the  Club,  and  have  nothing  but 
fiddler's  money  left  out  of  a  five  pound  note.  A  man,  my  dear  ! 


THE    ERMINE    AND    THE    MOTLEY. 

N  a  joke  pronounced  by  the  Bench 
there  is  something  peculiarly  droll 
—the  pun,  for  the  jokes  of  Judges 
always  are  puns — is  heightened  in 
judicrousness  by  a  certain  pleasing 
incongruity  perceived  between  the 
jest  and  the  Judge.  The  judicial 
joke  is  a  relief,  also,  to  the  tedious- 

of  legal  proceedings,  !•. 
gratifying  eviilei,  liumour 

and  p',-<  's  part, 

under    cirei  that    would 

irritate  and  fatigue  ordinary  minds. 
The  jokes  of  the  venerable  Judges 
uerally  as  venerable  as  them- 
;  their  lordships  joke  by  pre- 
cc.deni  ;    but    antiquity,  which   is  a 

•ageiiiciit.  1o  I  lie  witticisms  of 
oilier  men,  imports  B  certain  raci- 
ncss  to  tlieir  good  things.  Now 
l.iiuni  i  week. 

made  a   fine    old   joke.      He,   and 
eleven  other  judges  were  silt 
the  case  of  tl: 

liiuGii.s — the  defendants  indicted 
for  a  dangerous  nuisance.  When, 
according  to  the  Law  Report  :— 

"  The  CHIKF  BAKON  alluded  to  the  ca»e  of  a  butt  of  beer  bursting  at  MTOX'B  some 
years  since,  when  men  were  drowned. 

'•  LORD  CAMPBELL.  Aud  it  might  be  s»id  that  they  were  found  floating  on  their 
watery  bier." 

We  can  only  regret  that  the  joke  was  not  followed  out  by  the  jolly 
interlocutors.  As  thus : — 

The  CHIEF  BARON.  That  bier  is  rather  a  grave  subject. 
LORD  CAMPBELL.  All  right.    Grave  as  a  Judge. 
The  CHIEF  BARON.  "  From  grave  to  gay." 

LORD  CAMPBELL.  "From  lively  to  severe."  And  now  we  have  got 
to  that,  suppose  we  proceed  to  judgment. 

A  judicial  joke  on  drowning  is  fair  enough,  and  must  be  regarded  as 
an  improvement  on  the  wit  which  our  legal  sages  sometimes  used 
formerly  to  indulge  in  on  the  seat  of  justice,  in  allusion  to  another 
mode  of  suffocation. 


T)  EJECTED  ADDRKSSES.— A  New  Edition  of  this  delightful  book 
J-v  will  shortly  be  published,  handsomely  bound  in  calico,  with  portraits  ol  MEJWFS. 
COBDHS,  BJUOKT,  Fox,  <tc.  &c.  For  price,  &c.,  apply  to  the  Free  Trade  Hall, 
Manchester. 


THE  RIGHTS  OF  WOMEN. 

SIR  ERSKINE  PERRY'S  Bill  for  the  better  security  of  the  rights  of 
married  women,  has  met  with  so  favourable  a  reception  that,  should  it 
not  pass  during  the  present  session,  it  may  pass  in  the  next  century. 
We,  however,  hope  lor  immediate  legislation  upon  the  subject.  There 
are  two  clauses  in  the  present  Bill  that  no  man,  at  least  no  husband 
who  is  not  an  absolute  Drutc,  can  object  to.  The  first  makes  a  married 
woman  answerable  for  her  own  tongue;  and  therefore  relieves  the 
husband  of  a  responsibility  that,  since  the  invention  of  marriage,  no 
man  has  known  how  to  grapple  with.  A  wife  who  in  the  effervescence 
of  her  temper  says  something  not  very  affectionate  of  her  sister  woman, 
shall  henceforth  answer  for  the  damages  committed  by  the  lingual 
orgjui.  Well,  this  may  be  just ;  nevertheless,  it  will  now  and  then 
wring  the  conjugal  bosom  to  know  that  notice  of  action  has  been 
served  upon  JEMIMA  ;  that  a  verdict  of  damages  has  been  given  against 
her ;  and  that,  as  it  may  happen,  a  judgment  may  carry  femajp  bone 
from  bone  male  to  the  Queen's  Bench.  However,  the  rights  of 
women  must  be  respected ;  and  with  this  conviction,  the  judgment 
must  be  allowed  to  take  place,  and— foolish  fellows  as  "we  are — we 
must  yield  nothing  to  weakness. 

The  second  right  about  to  accrue  to  married  women  is,  the  right  to 
pay  their  own  debts.  We  do  not  know,  for  a  surety,  whether  this 
portion  of  the  amended  law  will  tend  to  make  the  shops  of  bonnet- 
makers  and  milliners  less  attractive,  less  seductive;  but  we  should 
think  it  not  unlikely.  As  the  injustice  of  the  existing  law  operates,  a 
woman  loses  nothing  in  yielding  to  the  temptation  of  dress,  seeing  that 
the  husband  must  pay  for  it.  But  with  women  fully  possessed  of  their 
rights,  it  will  be  Otherwise.  Thus,  a  woman  who  cannot  pay  for  her 
own  dress  will,  upon  her  own  account,  go  to  gaol  for  the  debt.  We 
understand,  however,  that  the  benevolence  of  the  legislature  will 
lend  itself  to  the  allowance  of  the  following  amendment :—"  That 
whereas,  every  woman  committed  to  prison  upon  a  judgment  debt 
contracted  for  her  own  gowns  or  petticoats,  shall  not  ue  confined 
within  the  walls,  but  be  allowed  to  live  'in  the  rules'  of  her  own 
Crinoline." 


210 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDC  \       HAKIVARL 


|_MAX    43,    10VI  . 


THE  SURPRISE  AND  DELIGHT  OF  THE  GENERAL  COMMANDING-IN-CHIEF  AT  THE  SUCCESS  OF  THE 

NEW  STRAW  STABLES  AT  ALDERSHOT. 


LOUIS    NAPOLEON    LEGITIMIZED. 

THERE  can  be  now  no  doubt  of  the  legitimacy  of  Louis  NAPOLEON. 
Could  ST.  -DENIS  himself  return  to  the  world,  head  in  hand,  he  could 
hardly  fail  to  acknowledge  the  present  governor  of  France,  by  divine 
right  of  a  certain  night  in  December,  EMPEROR  or  THE  FRENCH.  What 
the  crown  had  left  undone,  the  hat  has  effected.  The  hat  of  the  Louis 
THE  FIFTEENTH  mode  makes  sacred  the  adventurer  of  Boulogne ;  and 
the  late  special -constable  of  St.  James's  Street  sits  upon  his  horse  in  the 
forest  of  Fontaiaebleau  a  legitimate  descendant  of  ST.  Louis.  Poor 
COUNT  CUAMBOKD!  He  and  his  pretensions  are  put  nowhere ;  they 
arc,  in  fact,  left  shivering  and  naked;  for  Louis  NAPOLEON  has  stolen 
the  clothes  of  the  antien.  regime,  and  HENRY  THE  FIFTH  has  not  a 
legitimate  rag  to  cover  him.  The  whole  matter,  through  the  con- 
scientious columns  of  Galignani,  speaks  to  Europe.  Thus  it  is. 

The  GRAND  DUKE  CONSTANTINE  is  taken  to  Fontainebleau  to  enjoy  a 
stag-hunt.  We  are  told  that  when  the  Muscovy  Ambassador  became  a 
little  tpq  rough  and  ready  in  his  manners.,  even  for  QUEEN  ELIZABETH, 
t  he  V  irgin  Queen  of  England  would  get  rid  of  his  Excellency  by  sending 
him  off  with  a  party  to  hunt  the  wild  boar  in  the  wood  of  Marylebone. 
We  had  boars  in  those  days ;  but  Marylebone  is  now  merely  a  forest 
of  bricks,  and  the  boars,  if  not  extinct,  are  scattered.  Well,  to 
employ  the  imperial  mind  of  Russia,  Louis  NAPOLEON  lately  prepared 
a  stag-hunt.  And  more,  to  recommend  the  sport  with  especial  grace 
and  unction  to  his  Russian  guest,  the  French  Emperor  went  back  a 
little  into  those  picturesque  days,  ere  VOLTAIRE  dropt  vitriolic  acid 
from  his  pen  on  the  purple  of  royalty,  ere  ROUSSEAU  preached  sometliing 
like  maternity  into  France,  at  that  time  with  all  her  children  at  wet-nurse. 
In  a  word  Louis  NAPOLEON  sat  for  the  time  in  the  saddle  of  Louis 
THE  FIFTEENTH.  The  transformation  was  so  complete  that,  upon  the 
word  ;iud  honour  of  several  veracious  courtiers  present,  France  seemed 
to  retrograde  a  century  or  two,  in  order  to  make  the  illusion  perfect. 
For  a  time,  it  almost  seemed  that  France — although  she  had  reeled 
sotoewhat  under  the  shock  of  the  tumbling  Bastille — had  never  been  dis- 
turbed  from  under  the  protecting  shadow  of  the  peruque  of  le  grand 
monargite ;  as  though,  in  very  truth,  the  citizens  of  France,  as  in  the 
days  of  Louis  THE  FOURTEENTH,  might  be  put  by  in  a  stone-safe,  with 
no  trial  and  no  questions  permitted  to  be  asked ;  as  though  the  freedom 


of  the  press  was  yet  an  undiscovered  good,  and  liberty  of  speech  was 
still  the  visionary  dream,  the  brain-fever  of  mad,  bad  men.  With  Louis 
NAPOLEON  as  Louis  THE  FIFTEENTH,  a  certain  antique  haze  gathered 
about  Fontainebleau;  the  feeling  of  the  time  pervaded  even  his  courtiers. 
for  their  faces  seemed  lackered  with  the  eomplacencyjof  the  olden  t  i 
their  back-bones  bent  with  the  suppleness  of  a  former  age.  The  very 
people,  the  peasantry  raised  and  emboldened  by  -the  work  of  the 
guillotine,  seemed  shrunk  and  dwarfed,  and  walked  or  slunk  like  the 
villeins  of  the  good  old  day.  Such  is  the  spiriting  of  the  tailor, 
hatter,  and  bootmaker;  and  so  did  their  genius  work  when  it  had 
clothed  Louis  NAPOLEON,  the  royal  hunter,  m  "a  green  coat  with  gold 
lace,  the  waistcoat  red,  the  lower  part  of  the  dress  being  white,  with 
high  hunting  boots.  The  hat  Louis  THE  FIFTEENTH,  a  hanger,  and  a 
whip  completed  the  costume."  Would  the  oldest  inhabitant  of  ancient 
Strasbourg  have  known  the  chivalrous  adventurer  in  such  a  coat — 
would  Boulogne  have  recognised  her  Knight  of  the  Eagle  in  that 
waistcoat — would  any  London  hatter  have  identified  his  old  customer 
in  that  beaver  of  the  time  of  Louis  THE  FIFTEENTH  ?  We  think  not. 
No:  ihe parvenu  had  passed  away,  and  the  representative  of  the  line 
of  HUGH  CAPET  stood  before  the  Imperial  DUKE  CONSTANTINE  OF 

ALL  THE   RUSSIAS. 

The  day  of  that  Fontainebleau  hunt  was  a  great  day  for  France. 
Represented  by  her  ruler,  she  had  taken  a  great  step  backwards, 
whether  pour  mieux  sauter  is  to  be  seen ;  but  we  fear  a  jump  in  advance 
can  be  no  great  jump  in  so  tight  and  ceremonious  a  dress.  Any  way, 
when  the  GRAND  DUKE  CONSTANTINE  shall  next  meet  HENRY  THE 
FIFTH,  it  will  doubtless  be  a  subject  of  some  mirth  for  the  Muscovite 
wag  (it  is  scandalously  said  of  him  that  he  is  given  to  a  joke !)  to 
inform  his  throneless  Majesty  how  the  parvenu  Louis  NAPOLEON  looks 
in  the  furbished-up  clothes  of  Louis  THE  FIFTEENTH. 


Drown  it  in  a  Bowl. 

IT  is  said  that  SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER  and  SIR  ROBERT  PEEL  have 
sent  invitations  to  DUKE  CPNSTANTINE  on  his  visit  to  England.  It 
is  uncertain  whether  he  will  go  either  to  SIK  CHABLES  or  to  Siu 
ROBERT  ;  but  it  is  not  considered  impossible  that  he  will  accept  a 
shake-down  at  the  mansions  of  both. 


I'rtnted  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Wobnrn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullet  Kvan.,  of  No.  19.  Q«ecn'«  Koad  Went,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancraa,  in  the  Conntj  o(  Middlewi, 
Priiima.  at  their  Office  la  Lombard  Street,  to  tbe  Precinct  of  Whitefruri,  in  the  Citj  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Pariah  of  St.  Bride,  ia  tie  S'ty  of 
London.— SATOUAI,  Mny  l':i.  [sir. 


MAT  30,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


211 


THE    SOCIAL    TREAD-MILL.-No.  5. 

F  course,  it  has  occurred  to 
you,  Mr.  Punch,  what  a  bene- 
factor of  his  species  that  man 
would  be  who  should  leave  a 
large  fortune  to  found  and 
endow  a  college  for  Cooks. 
When  I  consider  the  science 
and  art  that  must  combine  in 
a  good  cook,  and  the  crass 
ignorance  and  presumption  of 
most  persons  assuming  the 
title,  I  am  astonished  that 
some  benevolent  individual 
has  not  thought  of  establish- 
ing a  normal  school  of  culi- 
nary instruction — where  the 
whole  round  of  the  science 
might  be  taught,  from  boiling 
a  potato  up  to  a  dinner  of 
three  courses. 

"  There  might  be  periodical 
examinations  by  skilled  per- 
sons for  each  depart  mint  of 
study. — A  Board  of  Irish 
examiners  for  potato-boiling, 
one  of  London  Aldermen  for 
turtle,  and  so  forth.  There 
might  be  cook-lists,  like  1  ni 
versity  class-lists — with  ordi- 
nary degrees,  and  honours 
and  medals.  The  Cooks' 
College  should  not  be  a  place 
for  educating  cooks  with  a 
view  to  domestic  service,  but 
a  normal  institution,  from 
which  highly  quab'fied  culi- 
nary teachers  might  be 
planted  all  over  the  country — each  the  head  of  a  local  culinary  school.  It  should  be  com- 

?nlsory  on  every  girl  of  a  certain  age,  to  have  attended  for  a  certain  time  at  such  a  school, 
do  not  know  that  I  should  not  make  the  production  of  a  certificate  of  such  attendance  a 
legal  condition  preliminary  to  marriage,  and  impose  a  heavy  penalty  on  the  clergyman 
who  united  any  young  woman  in  holy  matrimony  without  such  a  certificate. 

"  It  stands  to  reason  that  the  instruction  in  these  National  Cooking  Schools,  should  differ 
for  different  classes.  There  should  be  the  poor-man's  wife  course — the  respectable  trades- 
man's wife,  or  middle-class  course — the  soup-and-fish-cvery-day,  or  thousand-a-year  course — 
and  so  upwards.  A  young  woman  on  entering  would  be  entered  for  the  course  appropriate 
to  her  station  in  life.  So  there  would  be  a  special  curriculum  for  those  who  aimed  at 
qualifying  themselves  for  cook's  places.  But  all  women  ought  to  have  a  certain  minimum 
of  culinary  knowledge,  and  therefore  I  would  insist  on  the  certificate  in  all  cases. 

"  I  really  think  the  man  who  first  endows  such  a  Cooks'  College,  and  the  minister  who 
first  introduces  such  a  compulsory  system  of  national  culinary  education,  will  each  deserve 
a  statue— I  beg  pardon — will  each  deserve — not  to  have  a  statue,  but — to  be  commemorated 
in  whatever  form  we  may  succeed  in  devising  that  is  not  both  ugly  and  ridiculous. 

"But  after  all,  bad  cookery  is  the  worst  that  cooks  have  to  answer  for.  There  is 
undoubtedly  a  lamentable  amount  of  bad  cookery — in  Other  words,  of  discomfort, 
indigestion,  and  waste — in  this  country.  But  the  remedy  for  this  lies  in  a  great  degree 
beyond  our  own  power.  Indeed,  until  the  far-sighted  patriot  arises  to  found  my 
culinary  college,  I  do  not  see  my  way  to  any  very  general  elevation  of  the  standard  of  our 
cooks. 

"  Bad  dinners,  however,  depend  on  something  very  different  from  bad  cookery.  Indeed, 
there  may  be  very  bad  dinners  with  very  good  cookery,  and  even  very  good  dinners  occa- 
sionally with  very  bad  cookery.  I  call  every  dinner  a  bad  one  where  the  people  have  been 
invited  for  any  other  principal  reason  than  because  their  host  likes  them,  and  is  liked  by 
them ;  where  the  mistress  of  the  house  is  fidgety,  or  the  master  of  the  house  uncomfort- 
able ;  where  the  guests  are  too  many  for  the  table,  or  the  servants  not  enough  for  the 
guests;  where  in  an  establishment  evidently  mounted  on  the  leg-of-mutton-scale,  I  am 
treated  to  two  courses  and  champagne ;  where  a  variety  of  wines  are  handed  round,  but 
the  glasses  only  half-filled ;  where  a  pine-apple  is  put  on  the  table  at  dessert  and  carried 
away  uncut ;  where  the  plate  comes  from  the  pawnbroker's,  the  entrees  from  the  pastrycook  s, 
or  the  waiters  from  the  greengrocer's  round  the  corner ;  where  a  thousand  a-year  is  made  to 
do  duty  for  five,  or  where  five  thousand  narrows  itself  to  the  proportions  of  one.  In  short, 
every  dinner  is  a  bad  one  which  is  out  of  keeping  with  the  house  in  which  it  is  eaten ;  and 
I  grieve  to  say,  that  the  proportion  of  such  dinners  to  the  total  number  consumed  in  London 
is  very  great  indeed. 

"  Condemned  though  I  be  to  the  Social  Tread-mill,  I  am  of  a  cheerful  disposition,  and  gay 
in  the  intervals  of  my  punishment.  Yet  into  how  many  drawing-rooms  do  I  enter,  in 
fulfilment  of  solemn  dinner  obligations,  where  chilly  constraint  and  cowardly  ceremonial  lay 
leaden  weights  upon  me  and  every  soul  present !  Why,  when  I  dine  with  the  KOTOOS,  do  I 
pull  off  my  naturalness  and  cheerfulness  with  my  paletot,  and  draw  on  a  certain  starched 
and  constrained  self  with  my  white  gloves?  Why  is  the  quarter  of  an  hour  before  dinner 
in  that  house  so  much  longer  than  any  other  hour  in  the  day  elsewhere?  Why  do  we 
all  fall  desperately  to  talking  of  the  weather?  Why,  but  that  we  are  one  and  all  conscious 
of  some  unreality  or  inconvenience,  or  humbug,  or  incongruity  in  our  being  thus  assembled. 


There  is  BLADEBONE,  the  barrister,  with  < 
growing  family  and  a  decreasing  practice, 
thinking  what  a  nuisance  it  is  to  have  to  pay  for 
the  fly  which  brought  himself  and  MILS.  1',.  to  the 
hospitable  door.  There  is  MRS.  B.  scanning 
MRS.  FI.AUNTKII'S  new  glact  silk,  and  wondering 
whether  the  bill  is  settled  at  HOWELL  and 
JAMES'S.  I  -who  was  in  the  Guards, 

but  sold  out  on  his  marriage,  and  is  now  on  I  lie 
Turf,  and  in  difficulties—  lias  his  head  full  of 
judgments,  cognovits,  und  odds,  and  bills 
coming  due,  ami  I  ()  Li's.  '  Ah,  you  're  a  happy 
fellow,'  he  sighs,  to  MR.  PKXXYBOY,  the  City 
magnate,  a>  that  distinguished  capitalist  gives 
him  the  pai  i  iniKr-  of  B  rt  markabfe 


shares  nf  the  six!  h   Di  hi-  has  In 

a  director  of  this  year.  I'KNMIIOV  chneklrs 
huskily,  and  tries  to  look  as  if  he  agreed  with 
FI.AU.VTKR.  I'.ut  h<-  knows  tlril  he  is  sailing  on 
the  fathomless  sea  of  speculation,  buoyed  up  liy 
bubbles,  and  that  the  bursting  of  any  one  of  the 
six  may  sink  him.  Here  is  a  young  author  ;  of 
course  it  must  be  very  delightful  to  him  to  meet 
l.  '•  ijii:irterly  reviewer  who  cat  up  his  last  book 
so  humorously.  And  here  are  two  Mammas 
with  a  daughter  a-piece,  and  only  one  eligible 
young  man  of  the  party  —  Pleasant  situation  for 
all  five  ! 

"  Now  every  one  of  this  party  has  been 
invited,  not  because  the  Koioos  take  particular 
pleasure  in  the  company  of  any  of  their  guests, 
or  imagine  that  any  of  their  guests  feel  particular 
pleasure  in  coming  ;  but  because  they  nave  been 
invited  by  the  ELADEBONES,  the  FLAUNTERS, 
and  the  PENNYBOYS,  and  think  it  a  duty  to  invite 
them  in  return.  The  Reviewer  and  the  Author 
are  the  show-pieces—  the  stalking-horses  —  the 
ornaments  of  the  entertainment,  and  the  young 
ladies,  with  the  Mammas,  are  the  baits  provided 
for  the  Reviewer  and  the  Author.  The  eligible 
young  man  is  asked  because  he  is  so  very  eligible 
m  every  way  —  and  does  credit  to  every  house 
where  he  condescends  to  dine.  In  short,  here 
are  all  manner  of  motives  for  bringing  the  party 
together,  but  the  one  motive  that  can  make  the 
party  pleasant—  the  desire  of  giving  and  receiv- 
ing pleasure. 

"  Is  any  one  here  really  the  happier  for  seeing 
another  ?  Is  there  one  who  would  not,  if  he  had 
his  or  her  own  will,  rather  be  at  home  than  in 
the  KOTOOS'  drawing-room—  always  excepting 
GUTTLETOX,  the  Reviewer.  who  is  a  bachelor. 
and  has  no  home,  and  would  (but  for  the  KOTOOS' 
invitation)  have  had  to  pay  for  his  dinner  at  the 
Athenaeum  —  a  thing  he  hates.  But  poor  BLADE- 
BONE  would  infinitely  have  preferred  the  homely 
hash  which  MRS.  B.  would  have  treated  him  to 
—  three  days'  table-cloth,  small  beer  and  all-  to 
the  KOTOOS'  three  courses  ;  and  no  wonder, 
seeing  that  the  privilege  of  stretching  his  thin 
and  threadbare  legs  under  their  mahogany  stands 
him  —  including  gloves,  fly,  and  a  new  collar  for 
MRS.  B.,—  at  least  a  sovereign.  FLAUNTER 
would  have  preferred  a  suug  little  dinner  at  his 
Club  ;  leaving  MBS.  F.  to  her  own  arrangements 
at  home  —  for  similar  reasons  to  BUADEBONE'S. 
PENNYBOY  has  already  vented  hii  feelings,  with 
regard  to  the  KOTOOS  invitation,  in  the  shower 
of  imprecations  with  which  he  accompanied  his 
toilet.  He  has  '  other  things  to  think  of  than 
those  -  pe9ple's  -  dinners,'  &c.  &c. 
The  Mammas  wish  each  9ther  at  Jericho—  and 
the  eligible  young  man  wishes  himself  in  some 
place,  if  there  be  any  place,  where  young  women 
are  not  flung  at  the  heads  of  eligible  young 
men. 

"  Of  course,  under  these  circumstances,  it  is 
to  be  expected  that  the  KOTOOS'  party  should  be 
an  uncommonly  lively,  cheerful,  unconstrained, 
and  open-hearted  gathering  ? 

"  So  much  for  the  guests. 

"  But  the  dinner  ?  —  Let  us  see  how  the 
KOTOOS  redeem  the  mal-arrangement  round  their 
mahogany,  by  the  style  of  entertainment  they 
put  upon  it." 


VOL.  XXXII. 


LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


'~^  ' 

\,    < 

' 

-<\V:     ;      ;        ' 

VVli     ll  Ml         ^1  ! 


[MAY  30,  1857. 


"  Well— I  All  llow'd  if  that  ain't   too  lad— for  to  go  and  male  fun  of  tins  in  that 


KIDIC  LOUS  manner. 


MONEY  AND  MARRIAGE. 

THE  LORD  CHANCELLOR'S  new  Divorce  Bill 
maintains  due  homage  to  the  majesty  of  the  law 
and  the  profits  of  the  lawyers.  A  man's  wife 
still  remains  to  him  his  goods  and  chattels.  If 
a  man  possess  a  beautiful  picture,  a  magnificent 
piece  of  porcelain,  and  either  picture  or  pottery 
is  maliciously  damaged  or  fractured,  the  owner 
thereof  has,  of  course,  a  remedy  at  law  for  the 
injury,  lie  brings  his  suit,  and  is  awarded  in 
recompense  so  much  money.  Now  the  law  as  it 
is  left  by  LORD  CRANWORTII,  leaves  the  wife  of 
a  man's  bosom  in  the  condition,  no  higher  and 
no  lower,  of  the  picture  and  the  vase.  If  spotted 
or  flawed  she  is  to  be  paid  for,  and  there  an  end. 
Very  commercial,  this;  but  not  very  compli- 
mentary to  the  dignity  of  human  nature.  But 
so  it  is.  When  a  wife  fails  to  be  good,  she  is 
goods. 


BEAKS  AND  BEER. 

MR.  HARDY  has  introduced  a  Beer  Bill,  1  lie- 
object  of  which  is  to  extend  the  system  of  magis- 
trates' licences  from  public-houses  to  beer  shops. 
What  big  brewer  is  the  particular  friend  of 
MR.  HARDY  ?  Why,  since  all  public-houses  have 
to  be  licensed  by  magistrates,  are  there  any  low 
public-houses,  the  resorts  of  rascals  and  thieves  ? 
Why  not,  instead  of  extending  the  licence- 
system,  abolish  it  altogether  ?  Is  it  the  opinion 
of  everybody  except  the  big  brewers,  and  the 
Injustices,  their  confederates  on  the  Bench,  that 
the  wisest  way  of  dealing  with  beer  would  be  to 
establish  Free  Trade  in  that  'article,  and  grant 
publicans  liberty  instead  of  licence  ? 


WHO    NAMES    THE    NAVY  P 

NEXT  to  those  momentous  queries,  "Do  you  bruise  your  oats  yet  ? " 
and  "  Who  '&  to  win  the  Derby  ? "  we  think  of  all  the  questions  9f 
the  day,  the  one  we  most  want  answered  is  the  one  that  heads  this 
article"?  We  rarely  see  a  notice  of  an  Admiralty  ship-launch,  without 
its  "  seriously  inclining  "  us  to  write  off  to  Sell's  Life  or  the  Family 
Herald,  and  beg  that  those  all-knowing  ones  who  answer  Correspond- 
ents will  kindly  tell  us  who  is  the  Purveyor  of  Names  for  the  Navy, 
or  in  other  phrase,  who  acts  as  the  Government  godfather. 

We  are  tempted  to  ask  this,  not  from  any  wish  to  pry  into  the 
secrets  of  the  State,  but  from  sheer  respect  for  the  genius  in  question, 
and  our  unbounded  admiration  of  his  talent  for  misnomer,  which  so 
clearly  proves  his  being  the  right  man  in  the  right  place.  What,  for 
instance,  can  surpass  the  exquisite  appropriateness  of  christening  by 
such  names  as  the  Transit  and  the  Urgent,  ships  in  which  transition 
was  the  last  thing  to  be  looked  for,  and  which  for  urgent  service 
therefore  were  quite  sure  to  be  selected.  To  an  ordinary  mind  it 
might  have  seemed  more  suitable  to  call  a  spade  a  spade,  and  to  have 
christened  the  Admiralty  steam-tubs  by  such  names  as  would  have 
been  suggestive  of  their  characters.  We,  ourselves,  perhaps,  had  we 
been  entrusted  with  the  sponsorship,  might  have  chosen,  as  more 
applicable  to  our  tugs  of  war,  such  appellations  as  the  Snail,  the  Sloth, 
the  Crazy,  or  the  Cranky :  taking  it  for  granted  that  'a  ship  built  by 
the  Governinent  will  not  only  turn  out  "  Slow,"  but  "  Sure  "  of  break- 
ing down,  if  not  of  breaking  up.  It  might  never  have  occurred  to  us 
to  try  a  more  sarcastic  nomenclature,  and  indulge  in  pleasant  fictions 
of  an  Urgent  or  a  Transit ;  in  the  creditable  hope  that  the  unfltness  of 
the  name  might  be  attractive  of  attention,  before  it  was  too  late,  to 
the  untitness  of  the  vessel.  We  almost  question  though  if  sarcasm  can 
be  anyhow  made  sharp  enough  to  penetrate  the  WOOD  that  there  is  in 
the  Whitehall  board;  and  as  we  never  have  much  faith  in  any  treat- 
ment but  our  own,  we  shall  continue  now  and  then  to  call  the 
Admiralty  names,  until  we  find  they  have  the  sense  to  give  their  ships 
more  fittir.g  ones. 


Above  all  Price. 

THE  report  that  certain  French  capitalists  (MESSRS.  PEREIRA. 
Miitr.s,  MILLAUD,  and  other  Rothschilureu  of  wealth)  had  combined 
their  millions  and  billions  for  the  purpose  of  purchasing  Punch  is 
ridiculously  untrue ;  and  for  the  best  of  all  reasons,  because  there 
would  not  be  capital  sufficient  in  all  France  put  together  to  command 
such  a  purchase. 


WHAT  LOCKSLEY  HALL  SAID  BEFORE  HE  PASSED  HIS 
OXFORD  RESPONSIONS  (rvlgo  SMALLS). 

INSCRIBED  TO  THE   POET  LAUREATE. 

Ou  the  misery  of  "  Smalls ! "  the  cark  the  turmoil  and  the  grind, 
Oh  the  cruel,  cruel  fetters  which  are  wreathing  round  my  mind ! 
There  is  grammar,  there  is  Euclid,  and  far  worse  than  all  of  these, 
Arithmetical  refinements,  with  their  stocks  and  rules  of  threes, 
With  their  discount  and  their  practice  and  their  very  vulgar  fractions 
Smashing  up  the  one  ideal  into  many  paltry  factions. 
Square  root  makes  the  head  to  ache,  the  decimals  the  tear  to  start, 
For  they're  ever  circulating  round  the  fibres  of  my  heart- 
Learning  grammar  is  like'putting  water  in  a  leaky  pot, 
And  its.memory  is  only  like  the  days  remembered  not ; 
Verbs  in  "  MI "  are  aggravating,  Euclid  makes  the  foot  to  stamp, 
Only  lucid  when  enlightened  by  a  moderator  lamp, 
The  old  spider  and  his  cobwebs !    Would  that  I  could  sweep  him  out 
From  the  dust  and  must  of  ages  with  a  triumph  and  a  shout ; 
Shall  I  spurn  him  with  my  foot,  or  shall  I  scorn  him  wit h  mine  eye  ? 
Shall  I  tear  him  into  pieces  ?    SOUTIIEY  burnt  him— so  will  I. 


The  Maynooth  Nuisance. 

MR  SrooNEK  is  defeated,  but  not  convinced.  The  honourable 
gentleman  was  considerably  affected  by  his  failure  on  Thursday  night, 
but  it  was  remarked  that  he  had  partially  recovered  his  constitutional 
flow  of  spirits  on  Friday  evening.  This  cheerful  change,  as  we  have 
heard,  was  entirely  wrought  by  a  sympathetic  letter  addressed  to  linn 
by  the  orthodox  editor  of  The  Monuni/ ;ldc?rtiser,w\\o,mthv  hand- 
somest way,  offered  his  columns  for  the  rest  of  the  session  to  the 
pica-ing  polemics  of  the  Lum  EH  of  North  Warwickshire.  May  we 
not  trace  the  noble  dust  of  C.ESAR  till  we  find  it  stopping 
bunghole?"  

Presents  from  Portugal. 

THE  KING  OF  PORTUGAL  has  sent  to  the  QUEEN  a  present  of  cattle 
—a  bull,  a  bull-calf,  and  two  heifers  of  a  dun  colour,  and  not  more 
than  six-aud-thirty  inches  high.  Portugal  having  despatched  these 
little  cattle,  when 'may  Portuguese  bond-holders  expect  her  to  post  the 
pony,  no  matter  how  little  the  pony  be,— to  begin  with  ? 


MAY  30,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


213 


LORD     JOHN     RUSSELL     SETTLING     THE     JEW     BILL. 

"  THERE  !    Go  TO  THAT  NICE  GENTLEMAN  ;  HE  'LL  MAKE  A  MAN  OP  YOU." 


FLOWERS  FROM  CUPID'S  GARDEN. 

\\v.  luivc  to  inform  those  of  our  fair  readers  who  need  the  informa- 
tion, that  there  is  a  fellow  in  Paris,  named  CONST ANTIN,  an  artificial 
florist,  who  is  a  regular  duck.  Our  authority  for  this  statement  is  our 
fashionable  contemporary,  by  whom  M.  CONSTANTIN,  styled  the  great 
Parisian jtenriste,  is  said  to  nave  executed,  among  other  "works,"  a 
wonderful  bunch  of  gillyflowers.  We  will  do  ourselves  the  pleasure  of 
transporting  a  vast  number  of  young  ladies,  and  not  a  few  old  ones,  by 
<  I  noting  son »•  extracts  from  our  contemporary's  glowing  description  of 
this  product i<>n  of  genius.  In  the  first  place  M.  CONSTANTIN  has  been 
honoured  with  Imperial  patronage : — 

"  The  bouquet  of  girnflft  (common  stock),  which  ha  executed  from  nature,  boa 
been  thought  worthy  of  presentation  to  the  EMPRRSS." 

From  what  follows,  one  is  inclined  to  wonder  that  the  Imperial  bees, 
it'  I'.i  UKVIH  was  wearing  any,  did  not  leave  the  garment  which  they 
were  embroidered  on,  and  settle  on  the  mimic  gillyflowers : 

"  It  may  be  truly  said  to  outvie  nature  in  its  bloom  and  freshnew.  So  minute  il 
the  execution  of  this  girnjUt,  that  botanists  have  declared  that,  even  with  the  help 
of  the  microscope,  no  fault  or  omission  can  be  detected." 

We  have  often  heard  of  magic  branches,  but  for  truly  enchanting 
properties,  never  of  any  to  compare  with  those  of  M.  CONSTANTIN'S 
giroflte : — 

"  It  is  not  made  up  into  a  wreath  for  wear,  but  Is  laid  in  long  branches  along  the 
back  of  tile  head,  the  peculiar  green  of  the  leaves  nerving  to  bring  out  the  brightness 
of  the  hair,  while  the  bright  liloss.-ins  of  the  flower  heighten  by  many  tints  the 
whiteness  of  the  skin  as  they  fall  upon  the  neck." 

This  is  a  clever  arrangement — evidently  a  phrenological  one.  The 
organs  of  the  softer  feelings  lie  at  the  back  of  the  head,  as  also  docs 
that  of  the  Love  of  Approbation  to  which,  especially,  the  overlying 
decoration  must  impart  a  pleasing  stimulus.  M.  CONSTANTIN,  we  are 
informed,  has  invented  another  floral  excitant  of  the  same  sentiment : — 

"CONSTANTIN'S  rosc-il.ihlin  1ms  also  met  with  the  greatest  admiration.  The 
artist  has  produced  a  colour  hitherto  unknown  io  the  florist's  art ;  a  kiud  of  rich 
purple  pink,  which  heightens  the  complexion,  and  causes  the  eyes  to  appear  doubly 

In  illumt." 


Much  has  been  said  lately  about  the  language  of  the  eye,  in 
consequence  of  the  exhibition  of  a  ridiculous  picture,  as  illustrative 
thereof,  in  the  music-shop  windows.  The  double  brilliancy  of  the  eye 
produced  by  M.  COSSTASTIX'S  rose-dahlia,  is  doubtless  an  example  of 
that  language  ;  the  expression  of  the  speaking  eye  being,  as  plainly  M 
words  can  convey  the  same  meaning,  "  See  how  pretty  I  look." 


THE  CUCUMBER  AND  THE  BOTTLE. 
3  JFablt. 

ONCE  upon  a  time,  a  cucumber,  whilst  still  growing  on  the  vine, 
was  placed  by  the  gardener  in  a  bottle  that  it  might  therein  come  to 
its  full  size.  The  bottle  was  a  large  bottle,  and  the  cucumber  grew 
and  grew,  and  at  length  attained  its  largest  possible  proportions. 
I'.nl  this  was  a  fact  the  cucumber  could  never  be  brought  to  admit. 
There  remained  plenty  of  room  in  the  bottle,  but  the  cucumber  always 
quarrelled  with  it  for  oeing^  too  narrow.  "I  tell  you  what,"  said  the 
cucumber,  "  I  give  you  fair  warning ;  depend  upon  it,  I  am  already  a 
cucumber  of  sucli  immense  dimensions  it  isn't  likely  that  such  a  paltry 
little  bottle  as  you  are  can  hold  me.  Depend  upon  it,  some  aay  I 
shall  burst  you."  "Pooh,  pooh,"  said  the  bottle,  "you're  a  very 
respectable  cucumber,  but  there 's  room  and  plenty  to  spare.  And  as 
for  growing  any  bigger,  why  you  're  already  in  the  yellow  nnd." 
"  Yellow  rind,"  cried  the  cucumber ;  "  but  you  're  beneath  my  con- 
tempt. Therefore  I  shall  not  condescend  another  word  to  such  a 
blatant  beast  of  a  bottle.  Only  remember  this— I  '11  grow  and  burst 
you."  Upon  inquiring  of  the  gardener  what  manner  of  cucumber 
could  at  once  be  so  contemptuous  and  so  tremendous,  the  man  replied, 
— "  That  Cucumber,  Mr.  Punch,  is  called  the  NAPIEK." 

SALMON  SCARCE. — A  NEWSPAPER  paragraph  lately  stated  that  one 
SALMON,  a  banking  agent,  charged  with  defalcations  to  the  amount 
of  £30,000,  had  absconded.  If  this  is  the  case,  we  should  be  glad  to 
hear  of  the  take  of  that  SALMON. 


214 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  30,  1857. 


THE  SOLON  GOOSE  TO  THE  EAEL  OF  MALMESBUBT, 
GREETING. 

Y  DEAR  LORD, — "  As  a  goose, 
I  thank  you  for  myself  and 
the  other  water-fowl,  late 
inhabitants  of  St.  James's 
Park,  but  now  of  Kew.  Your 
beautiful  speech  in  the  House 
of  Lords  has  warmed  our 
very  gizzards  ;  even  the 
ducks  and  the  noddies  ac- 
count you  sage.  You  are 
quite  right ;  when  our  lake, 
or  pond,  or  whatever  you 
may  call  it,  in  St.  James's 
Park,  was  left  unreformed, 
there  was  what  you  beauti- 
fully call  'aqueous  vegeta- 
tion ; '  and  now  the  water  's 
to  be  paved  with  concrete  to 
please  SIR  BENJAMIN  HALL'S 
crotchets  in  the  abstract. 
Duckweed,  my  lord,  I  con- 
sider an  institution;  and  I 
and  all  the  birds  of  my  fea- 
ther thank  you  for  the  manly 
conservatism  that  would  pro- 
tect the  time-honoured  vege- 
tation of  our  waters.  The 
fact  is,  if  SIR  BENJAMIN  's  allowed  to  have  his  full  fling,  we  shall  all  be 
killed  with  cleanliness.  I'm  told  that  he  has  dug  to  light  a  spring  in 
Duck  Island,  'which  will  supply  the  whole  lake'  with  pure  water. 
Now,  my  lord,  how  are  we  to  live  upon  purity  P  A  certain  amount  of 
wholesome  corruption  is  as  necessary  to  the  existence  of  us  water-fowl 
as  to  the  Ministry  of  HER  MAJESTY'S  Government.  We  must  even  pine, 
and  dwindle,  and  die  upon  this  excess  of  purity, — which  admits  of  no 
soft  unctuous  mud,  no  pungent  decaying  matter,  no  relishing  filth  to 
be  chemically  converted  to  the  breasts  and  wings  of  ducks  and  geese. 
"  Consider  it,  my  lord.  We  have  been  told  that  the  water  which 
is  henceforth  to  fill  our  lake  '  evidently  comes  from  the  Thames,  being 
filtered  on  its  passage  through  a  bed  of  sand,  two-thirds  of  a  mile  in 
thickness.'  Now,  can  even  so  much  as  a  tadpole  live  in  so  pure,  I 
should  say,  so  insipid  an  element  P  Filtered,  indeed !  If  the  streams 
of  the  Exchequer  were  thus  filtered,  what  would  become  of  such 
pensions  as  LORD  ELLENBOROUGH'S,  who  has,  however,  the  thanks  of 
all  of  us  web-footed  for  his  support  of  your  lordship,  who,  indeed,  has 
talked  like  one  of  ourselves. 

"  I  remain,  for  self  and  others, 

"  YOUR  SOLON  GOOSE. 

"  P.S.  I  send  you  one  of  my  own  pen-feathers  for  your  coronet. 
You  've  won  it  well,  and,  as  somebody  says,  may  you  wear  it  long." 


ECCLESIASTICAL  FASHIONS.' 

His  HOLINESS  THE  POPE  will  be  about  the  house  of  certain  drapers 
in  Regent  Street ;  an  establishment  calling  itself  the  "  Sponsafia." 
They  advertise  a  Patent  Pallium."  Now,  the  right  of  conferring  the 
Pallium  is  reserved  by  the  PONTIPP  to  himself,  and  he  also  holds  that 
the  Pallium  which  he  supplies  is  the  only  genuine  and  original  patent 
article.  The  house  in  Regent  Street  must  therefore  look  out  for  the 
thunders  of  the  Vatican.  For  whom  the  Patent  Pallium  is  intended  we 
can  only  surmise.  If  it  is  not  designed  for  the  fair  sex,  it  has  perhaps 
been  devised  to  meet  a  want  of  the  Puseyites,  who  have  been  crying 
for  copes  and  stoles,  and  other  millinery,  and  will  probably  be  delighted 
with  a  pretty  Pallium.  Having  got  that,  perhaps,  they  will  next,  per- 
adventure,  be  desirous  of  wearing  Crinoline. 


CAN'T  BE  TOO  CAUTIOUS. 

A  STATEMENT  has  been  going  round  the  papers  about  an  exceedingly 
fine  trout,  which  has  been  "  hooked  "  by  a  gentleman  in  one  of  the 
banks.  MR.  GROVE,  the  eminent  fishmonger,  has  given  it  as 
Ins  decided  opinion,  that  if  the  Csh  had  been  allowed  to  Eve  a  good 
deal  longer  it  would  have  been  a  great  deal  larger.  This  proposition 
we  will  not  dispute,  but  we  do  not  see  the  expediency  of  inviting  the 
Public  attention,  just  now,  to  a  banker's  hooking  anything.  Luckily 
n  .."^  mcntioned  happens  to  be  one  of  j  adamantine,  and  almost 
^re-Adamantine  reputation,  but  still  the  words  "bank"  and  "hook 
should  be  kept  apart,  in  these  days,  as  jealously  as  lucifers  and 
gunpowder. 


THE  BARK  OF  MARYLEBONE. 

DID  you  ever  have  occasion,  gentle  reader,  to  remark 
How  exasperated  Vestrymen  and  Poor  law  Guardians  bark  ? 
Ever  hear  the  Poor  law  Guardians  smarting  under  dire  affront, 
And  the  Vestrymen  indignant,  how  they  growl,  and  how  they  grunt  ? 

If  that  sweet  parochial  music  ever  has  your  ears  regaled, 
Then  you  will  conceive  the  grunting,  growling,  barking,  that  prevailed 
When  SIR  BENJAMIN  HALL'S  poiter  the  official  door  had  shown 
To  the  snubbed  and  disappointed  B3adledom  of  Marylebone. 

On  SIR  BENJAMIN  they  waited,  with  intent  to  ply  his  ear 
That  the  Government  no  longer  with  their  rights  might  interfere, 
With  the  vested  and  prescriptive  rights  they  had  enjoyed  so  long, 
With  the  rights  divine  of  beadles,  rights  to  rule  their  parish  wrong. 

Rights  to  flog  unhappy  women ;  rights  poor  lunatics  to  treat 
How  they  pleased,  old  privileges  to  the  race  of  beadles  sweet ; 
Rights  SIR  BENJAMIN  contested ;  rights  he  ruthlessly  denied, 
And  dismissed  the  deputation  their  diminished  heads  to  hide. 

What !  they  barked,  the  beadles,  heretofore  supreme  in  Marylebone, 
What !  they  growled,  must  we  not  do  what  we  think  proper  with  our 

own? 

What !  they  grunted,  overrule  us  ?  our  proceedings  disallow  ? 
Hrumph !  a  pretty  state  of  things  is  this  we  've  come  to.    Bow,  wow, 

wow! 

Centralisation,  centralisation,  bow,  wow,  wow !  exclaimed  the  pack. 
Bow,  Sir,  wow,  Sir  !    Centralisation !    Everything  must  go  to  wrack. 
Local  government  destroyed,  Sir !    Constitution  overthrown ! 
Hrumph,  Sir,  eh,  Sir?  why,  Sir?  what,  Sir!  Interfere  with  Marylebone ! 

Tell  us  what  we  shall  and  shan't  do — us  who  fix  and  pay  the  rate ! 

Marylebone 's  an  Institution,  Maryleboue  's  the  Fifth  Estate. 

There 's  the  QUEEN,  the  House  of  Lords,  the  House  of  Commons,  and 

the  Press, 
And  the  Marylebone  Vestry — in  importance  nothing  less. 

Will  they  tread  the  mighty  down,  Sir  ?  Will  they  trample  on  the  free  ? 
Hrumph,  Sir  ?  eh,  Sir  P  bow,  wow,  wow,  Sir !  we  shall  see,  Sir,  we 

shall  see. 

Nail  our  colours  to  the  mast,  Sir ;  no  surrender  is  our  cry ; 
Bow  wow  wow !  we  '11  fight  and  conquer,  hrumpli  ?  or,  bow,  wow,  wow, 

we  '11  die ! 


THE  OVERLADEN  AND  CRUSHED  ATTORNEYS. 

HEARTSTRINGS  of  red  tape  and  bosoms  of  vellum  are  all  unable  to 
bear  and  endure  the  load  that  an  unfeeling  Government  places  upon 
the  English  attorney.  It  is  the  last  feather  that  breaks  the  camel's 
back,  and  if  the  British  attorney  has  not  his  vertebrae  cracked  by  the 
goose-quill  of  the  tax-gatherer,  it  must  be  because  the  British  attorney 
is  stronger  and  withal  more  patient  than  a  dromedary.  LORD  PORTS- 
MOUTH, in  seconding  the  address,  said  that  "  no  tax  was  so  grievous 
to  be  bonie  as  the  attorney's  bill-tax."  But  then  LORD  PORTSMOUTH 
overlooked  cause  and  effect.  Why  is  the  attorney  compelled  to  charge 
high  prices  ?  Simply\  to  remunerate  himself  for  the  wicked  and 
oppressive  impost  that  is  fixed  upon  his  profession.  As  sportsmen  are 
obliged  to  take  out  a  licence  to  shoot,  so  is  the  attorney  compelled  to 
pay  a  licence  to  practise.  We  do  not  see  why  surgeons  should  not  be 
equally  taxed  with  attorneys,  for  we  are  very  certain  that  it  is  not 
given  to  them  to  bleed  less. 


The  Ravenous  Public. 

"  ENCORE  ! "  cried  a  stupendous  wag  at  Cremorne  the  other  evening, 
after  a  brilliant  display  of  fireworks,  and  we  fancy  we  have  heard  the 
same  cry  on  similar  occasions.  However,  the  facetious'demand  is  the 
best  satire  on  the  stupid  system  of  Encores.  MR.  SIMPSON  might  with 
equal  justice  be  expected  to  give  a  repetition  of  his  fireworks  as  a 
popular  singer  be  called  to  repeat  every  one  of  his  songs.  There  are 
gluttons,  however,  who,  if  MADAME  SAQUI  fell  from  the  tight  rope, 
would  go  away  dissatisfied  if  the  accident  wasn't  encored. 


Tallow  and  Gruel. 

MR.  SIMS  REEVES  had  been  singing  Come  into  the  garden,  Maud. 
when  there  arose  a  vehement  outcry  for  an  encore.  "Ladies  and 
Gentlemen,"  said  the  popular  tenor,  as  soon  as  the  noise  had  somewhat 
abated,  "  I  am  sorry  to  inform  you  that  MAUD  is  labouring  under  a 
severe  cold.  In  fact,  her  Mamma  has  just  sent  her  to  bed.  Under 
these  circumstances,  it  will  be  quite  useless  for  me  to  ask  MAUD  to 
'come  into  the  garden'  again  this  evening.  As  soon  as  she  has 
recovered,  I  shall  only  be  too  happy  to  oblige  you." 


Ift 

DO 


O 

CO 

t- 

*• 

s 


OS 


W 

O 

SB 

§ 

S5 

s 

W 
W 
H 

OS 
O 

W 
u 

X 

D 


W%Z$$mMw'$W/>  ?/.// 
W7^M^mwijr^^^  1^  ft 

''/mUllfflff Mr'//"/// J^"  "  •  I 


rt 

N 
1 


o 


»    • 

o 

o  5 
5  « 


=S2    HM 

"^1     '  "-        1 

M  C*^     " 

§^  w 

C/5    O      ^"^ 

H  n^ 

K  K 
5  o 

^  >    •" 
>  cd    M 

^3  t> 

^    i-3      ^^ 

ji  H 


ri  --a 
tt 

w  ^^ 

50  ^^ 

"  MH 


13 


CD 

d 


MAT  30,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


219 


RUSSELL'S    LECTURES. 

HE'S  an    Idiot  that  misses 
the  lectures  of  RUSSELL, 
(So  cried  Mr.  Punch,  break- 

ing out  into  rhymes  ;) 
Our    Own    Correspondent, 
who  witnessed  the  tussle, 
And  wrote  home  the  glow- 
ing   accounts    for    the 
Tines? 

Here  he  sits  on  a  horse  (ra- 
ther smaller  than  MIL- 
LAIS'  is) 
Taking   his   notes,    never 

heeding  the  shells  : 
Be  off  to  his  lectures;    he 
gives  them  at  WILLIS'S, 
Fronted  by  all  the   most 
elegant  swells. 

Ah  !  if  you  'd  canvassed  the 
country,  and  asked  a  poll 
Just  to  determine  the  one 

little  fact, 
Who  was  our  army's  best 

friend  at  Sebastopol, 
WILLIAM  's  the  boy  we  'd 

have  heavily  backed. 
Yes,  in  those  letters,  so  ge- 

nial and  graphic, 
How  he  exposed  the  fell  curse  of  Routine, 
The  system  that  makes  a  proud  service  a  Traffic  — 
That  was  the  story  to  tell  to  a  QUEEN. 

And  how  his  fierce  tales  set  the  hot  pulses  leaping 

When,  in  tones  like  a  trumpet's,  he  told  of  the  fray  : 
How  the  broad  sheet  was  dewed  with  the  gentle  eyes'  weeping 

That  read  how  our  brave  ones  in  agony  lay. 
And  crowning  the  record  that  treasures  the  story 

All  lustrous  with  Alma's  and  Inkermann's  name, 
How  nobly  he  painted  the  grand  day  of  glory 

That  ended  the  strife  in  a  deluge  of  flame  ! 

Well,  you  who  would  like  a  concise  retrospection 

Of  all  that  de  die  in  diem  you  read, 
Discreetly  compressed,  with  an  added  selection 

Of  capital  things  in  the  letters  unsaid. 
Would  you  list  a  discourse  full  of  mettle  and  muscle, 

Hear  clashing  of  sabres,  see  waving  of  plumes, 
Be  off  to  the  lectures  which  W.  H.  RUSSELL 

Is  giving,  my  Trojans,  at  WILLIS'S  Rooms. 


BASENESS  ABROAD  AND  AT  HOME. 

THERE  seems  just  now  to  be  going  on  a  general  revival  of  old 
superstitions,  old  hoaxes,  and  old  basenesses.  We  see  simultaneously 
lifting  themselves  into  notice,  trying  to  re-establish  and  re-instate 
themselves  in  the  world,  Popery,  Witchcraft,  and  Flunkeyism.  Of  the 
latter  of  these  three  Disgraces,  hand-in-hand  by  the  way  with  the 
former,  an  eximious  display  is  afforded  in  the  address  of  CARDINAL 
SCITOWZKY,  Primate  of  Hungary,  to  the  EMPEROR  OF  AUSTRIA.  A 
little  of  this  fulsome  stuff  —  of  such  stuff  a  little  will  go  a  great  way 
—we  subjoin,  under  favour  to  the  Pestli  correspondent  of  the  Morning 
Post:— 


Having,  by  the  above  dose,  created  extreme  nausea,  let  us  stop  at 
that.  Surely  the  EMPEROR  OF  AUSTRIA  himself  must  have  shuddered 
in  undergoing  lubrifaction  with  such  abominably  rank  butter  as 
CARDINAL  SCITOWZKY'S — cannot  but  have  been  disgusted  with  such 
nasty  and  false  adulation.  In  keeping  with  servility  such  as  this,  the 
daily  continental  news  is  replete  with  affairs  of  uniform  and  livery, 
green  and  silver  coats,  crimson  breeches,  gold-laced  hats — a  specimen, 
by  the  way,  of  a  hunting  costume — crosses,  orders,  medals,  all  manner 
of  filagree,  tinsel,  embroidery,  and  plush.  Foreign  intelligence  is 
redolent  of  fetid  flunkeyism.  Dazzled  by  the  buckles,  gilt,  laced 
jackets,  thunder-and-lightning  shorts,  and  other  the  like  glories  of 


despotism,  a  certain  crew  of  menial-minded  creatiires  are  beginning  to 
whisper  a  despicable  hankering  for  the  exchange  of  our  British 
constitution  for  an  Empire.  The  sycophantic  spirit,  and  the  vile 
sentiment  of  splendour-worship  are  at  work  even  here ;  a  circumstance 
lust  worthy  of  note :  for  theie  is  little  fear  that  JOHN  BULL  will  ever 
let  himself  be  persuaded  by  any  reptiles  to  swop  his  broad-brimmer 
for  the  cocked  hat  and  the  cockade,  his  plain  broadcloth  coat  for  a 
variegated,  laced,  and  braided  one,  his  cords  for  plush,  his  tops  for 
pink  silk  stockings  and  buckled  pumps,  and  his  cudgel  for  a  gold-headed 
cane.  Perhaps,  even  abroad,  the  strides  which  1  lunkeyism  and  the 
other  Humbugs  are  now  apparently  making,  may  be,  in  reality,  their 
last  kicks. 


A  TEETOTAL  FALSTAFF. 

GEORGE  CRUIKSHANK  is  about  to  reform  that  incorrigible  tii 
Jack  Falitqff:  to  which  end  we  are  to  have  his  life  from  authentic 
sources  that  will  show  how  cruelly  the  poor  man  has  been  dealt  with 
by  the  poetic  licence  of  MR.  SHAKSPEARE.  Now,  under  the  pencil  and 
patronage  of  .GEORGE,  it  will  be  shown  that,  if  FaMaff  were  at  any  time 
addicted  to  sack,  he  did  not  leave  the  world  a  hardened  drinker,  but 
duly  took  the  teetotal  pledge-^a  fact,  hitherto,  shamefully  suppressed 
by  the  poet.  Thus,  the  description  of  Falstaff's  death,  as  edited  by 
GEORGE,  will  doubtless  receive  the  following  emendations : — 

"  'A  made  a  finer  end,  and  went  away,  an  it  had  been  any  christom  child  ;  'a 
parted  even  just  between  twelve  and  one,  e'en  at  the  turning  o*  the  tide.  *  *  * 
For  his  nose  was  as  sharp  as  a  pen,  and  'a  babbled  of  green  fields  [and  running 
brooks].  How,  now,  SIB  JOHN,  quoth  I :  what,  man  !  be  of  good  cheer.  So  'a 
cried  out — Water,.  Water,  Water.'  three  or  four  times:  now  I,  to  comfort  him,  bid 
him  'a  should  not  think  of  Water.  And  then  'a  took  the  pledge ;  and  then  'a  passed 
away,  and  still 'a  cried  Water,  Water,  Water!" 

GEORGE  having  carried  the  pledge  into  fairy-land,  will  allow  nothing 
stronger  at  the  Boar's  Head,  Eastcheap,  than  ginger-pop.  This  is 
really  too  bad,  and  we  must  protest  against  this  forcible  conversion  of 
inimitable  Jack.  As  for  GEORGE  himself,  he  does  all,  we  admit,  "  in 
conscience  [and  tender  heart."  GEORGE  is  brimming  over  with  the 
milk  of  human  kindness ;  but  why,  why  should  the  milk  be  mixed  with 
so  much  water  ? 


Delicate  Attentions. 

THE  Editor  of  the  Morning  Advertiser  has  received  from  the  French 
Embassy  the  Cross  of  the  Legion  of  Honour,  and  a  magnificent  kettle- 
holder  worked  by  the  fair  fingers  of  EUGENIE  herself.  These  gifts  are 
accompanied  by  an  autograph  letter  from  the  EMPEROR,  in  which  he 
takes  the  liberty  of  acknowledging  with  the  liveliest  sense  of  gratitude 
the  many  favours  he  has  received  from  the  Advertiser,  and  begging  of 
the  Editor  to  extend  the  kindness  still  further  by  never  slackening, 
even  for  one  day,  in  the  bitter  opposition  that,  evidently  prompted  by 
the  kindest  intentions,  he  has  ever  shown  to  the  Court  of  the 
Tuileries.  

A  Real  Blessing  foi  Pedestrians. 

A  MOST  admirable  invention  is  now  in  coarse  of  being  advertised 
under  the  title  of  the  "  Self-Breaking  Perambulator."  Mothers  are 
strongly  recommended  to  procure  this  Perambulator,  if  they  employ 
their  nursemaids  to  wheel  their  children  about  the  pavements  in  any 
vehicle  of  the  kind.  A  Perambulator  which  breaks  itself  has  the 
greatest  advantage  over  one  which  remains  unbroken,  but  is  always 
breaking  somebody's  shins. 


220 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  30,  1857. 


MR.    PUNCH'S    EXHIBITION    OF    REJECTED 
ART-TREASURES. 

[PRIVATE  VIEW.] 

MING  it  stated  in  the  Daily 
News  that  on  the  opening 
of  the  Manchester  Art- 
Palace — 

"  From  the  unprecedented 
liberality  of  the  British  public 
there  are  still  about  five  hundred 
.specimens  left,  for  which  no 
corner  can  be  found," 

Mr.  Punch  at  once  wrote 
to  the  Executive  Committee, 
and  placed  at  their  command 
the.  entire  spare  at  his  dis- 
posal, consisting  of  the  whole 
of  one  third  part  of  his 
back  office.  This  generous 
oll'rr  being  thankfully  ac- 
cepted, Mr.  Punch  is  now 
engaged  in  making  a  selec- 
tion from  the  treasures 
which  have  reached  him,  and 
will  shortly  have  the  honour 
of  inviting  H.R.H.  P.M. 
PRINCE  ALBERT  to  declare 
his  Exhibition  open.  Mean- 
while, having  just  been  in- 
dulging in  a  private  view, 
Mr.  Punch  will  treat  his 
readers  to  a  foreglimpse  of 

the  show  which  is  preparing  for  them,  by  publishing  beforehand  a  few 
comments  on  the  catalogue. 

To  begin  with  the  Paiutings,  (which  comprise  several  chefs-d' -cemre 
of  both  old  and  young  and  intermediate,  or  middle-aged  masters,) 
Mr.  Punch  rejoices  to  announce  that  he  has  kindly  been  entrusted  by 
MR.  B.  DISRAELI  with  the  companion  picture  to  the  Blue  Bon  of 
GAINSBOROUGH  ^representing  MR.  D.  as  the  Calculating  Boy,  looking 
very  blue  upon  his  recent  calculation  of  the  odds  against  his  ever  again 
getting  the  Exchequer  Cockership.  Nest  to  this  will  be  observed  that 
prodigiously  remarkable  picture  of  disgust,  which  has  become  known 
as  The  Rejected  Title,  a  work  of  fancy,  furnished  from  the  WILLIAMS 
collection,  and  both  in  incident  and  treatment  considered  quite 
unique. 

Passing  by  a.  Portrait  of  John  Chinaman,  from  the  COBDEN  gallery, 
which  seems  very  far  from  being  painted  in  true  colours,  Mr.  Punch 
has  t  hen  to  call  attention  to  a  valuable  series  of  historical  pictures, 
illustrative  of  the  progress  of  the  British  Constitution.  These  have 
been  contributed  by  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL,  and  not  the  least  known  of 
them  is  that  of  Signing  Magtta  Charia,  with  which  his  Lordship's 
frequent  reference  must  have  lonfj  ago  made  every  one  familiar. 

Among  the  Marine  Pieces— which  include  a  bird's-eye  view  of  Cron- 
stadt,  taken  (at  a  distance)  by  ADMIRAL  NAPIER— Mr.  Punch  has  had 
to  unpack  several  small  pictures  of  the  Vessel  of  the  State,  repre- 
senting her  as  sinking  through  the  quicksand  "  PALMERSTON  ; "  but 
these  mostly  appear  taken  from  a  one-sided  point  of  view,  and  being 
done  m  party  colours,  have  all  the  sickliness  belonging  to  distemper. 

Several  sketches  in  outline  of  the  New  Reform  Bill  have  also  been 
sent  in,  but  as  far  as  can  be  judged  from  their  unfinished  state,  Ithey 
are  sadly  defective  in  that  breadth  of  design  and  boldness  of  treatment 
which  the  subject  clearly  merits.  It  is  possible,  however,  that,  before 
they  are  exhibited,  Mr,  Punch  may  be  solicited  to  remedy  their  weak 
points,  and  a  few  touches  by  so  old  a  master  would  be  certain  to  be 
recognised  with  public  satisfaction. 

Up  to  the  last  moment  SIR  ROBERT  PEEL  has  not  thought  fit  to 
part  with  any  more  of  his  travelling  sketches  ;  but  as  he  is  now  free 
from  those  confining  ties  of  official  reserve,  by  which  he  formerly  was 
held  so  m  restraint,  it  is  possible  that  he  may  soon  let  Mr.  Punch  have 
something  to  exhibit,  that  is,  to  show  up.  SIR  ROBERT  is  world- 
famous  for  his  taste  in  caricature ;  and  Mr.  Punch  must,  therefore 
elsewhere  assign  the  contribution  of  a  picture,  which  illustrates  the 
late  unboroughmg  of  FREDERICK  PEEL,  zoologically  rendered  as  The 
Red  Tapir  Unearthed. 

Among  the  armoury  will  be  found  some  noticeable  specimens,  such 
lor  instance,  as  the  shield  which  was  used  by  the  Government  to  shield 
from  justice  the  Incapables  who  were  so  hotly  charged  by  the  Crimean 
L/ommission.     Mr.  Punch  has  also  succeeded  in   obtaining  one  of 
tlie  cutfasses  which  were  signalled    to   be   sharpened,   in  order  to 
secure  that  preciseness  of  firing  which  was  expected  to  demolish 
uronstadt. 
Mainly  by  his  own  exertions  in  collecting,  Mr.  Punch  will  have  a 


quantity  of  curiosities  for  exhibition;  including,  as  a  work  less  of 
vertn  than  of  vice,  a  leaf  taken  out  of  MR.  CAMERON'S  "  green  ledger," 
which  he  used  to  do  the  shareholders  so  (HUMPHRY)  brown.  With 
this  will  be  shown,  as  specimens  of  carving,  some  pretty  figures  repre- 
senting the  respective  fortunes,  which  were  carved  by  the  British 
Bank  directors  out  of  the  moneys  entrusted  to  their  keeping.  Mr.  Punch 
has  likewise  been  so  fortunate  as  to  obtain  the  sheet  of  paper  which 
was  crumpled  up  by  Mil.  COBDEN,  in  illustration  of  the  way  in  which 
to  crumple  Russia :  and  together  with  some  specimens  of  Civil  Service 
spelling,  which  he  has  no  doubt  will  be  considered  curiosities, 
Mr.  Punch  has  succeeded  in  getting  from  the  Government  the  original 
MS.  of  the  celebrated  message,  "  Pray  take  care  of  DOWB  ! ". 


A  JOLLY  GARDENER'S  GARDEN. 

THE  Glasgow  Mail  contains  a  statement  that  an  old  gentleman,  who 
cultivates  a  model  farm  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Goyan,  has  been 
trying  the  experiment  of  irrigating  garden  plants  with  whiskey,  success- 
fully ;  though  our  Caledonian  contemporary  docs  not  explain  what  is 
the  nature  of  the  alteration  or  improvement  which  has  resulted  in  the 
cabbages  and  cauliflowers  that  have  been  treated  with  this  new  form 
of  liquid  manure.  On  the  animal  economy  whiskey  is  apt  to  produce 
the  effect  of  seediness ;  and  perhaps  it  will  also  occasion  a  tendency  to 
run  to  seed  in  the  vegetable  economy,  if  there  can  be  any  economy  in 
vegetables,  which,  to  denote  a  Scotch  practice  by  an  Irish  form  of 
expression,  are  watered  with  whiskey.  If  the  plants  have  too  much 
whiskey  given  them,  perhaps  they  will  not  grow  straight ;  the  eyes  of 
the  potatoes  may  be  affected;  and  all  the  greens  and  other  herbs  may 
be  seized  with  a  shakiness  of  leaf,  like  that  which  is  natural  to  the 
leaves  of  the  asp,  but  which,  in  the  case  of  the  garden-stuff,  the 
teetotallers  will  all  concur  in  declaring  to  be  delirium  tremens.  Possibly, 
one  effect  of  whiskey  upon  vegetables  will  be  that  of  preserving  them ; 
at  any  rate,  that  spirituous  fluid  may  be  expected  to  make  them — if  it 
does  not  keep  them— fresh. 


[ADVERTISEMENT.] 
o   THE   MUSICAL  PROFESSION.— If  the  GENTLEMAN  who  was 

calling  "Sptirrergrass,"  in  the  vicinity  of  Pimlico,  on  Monday  morning  last, 
will  forward  his  Address  to  SIGNOR  BOREAS  O'BLUSTKRO,  Professor  of  Harmony,  Cat 
and  Bagpipes  Tavern,  Holloaway,  he  may  hear  of  an  ENGAGEMENT  suited  to  his 
talents.  SIONOR  B.  O'B.  having  lately  been  promoted  to  the  bar  of  the  establish- 
ment, has  ill  consequence  retired  from  the  harmonious  department,  which  he  has 
for  many  seasons  had  the  honour  to  conduct.  The  vacancy  thus  caused  it  is  in- 
tended to  submit  to  public  competition,  arid  candidates  for  the  Condnntoiship  must 
send  their  Testimonials  to  the  above  address  two  clear  days  at  least  before  the  per- 
sonal examination,  of  which  hereafter  due  notice  will  bo  given.  As  the  post  is  one 
requiring  more  than  common  vocal  powers,  it  is  hoped,  to  save  both  time  and 
trouble,  that  none  but  the  possessors  of  the  very  strongest  lungs  and  voices  will 
apply. 

lu  addition  to  presiding  every  night  at  the  Harmonic  Jteeting,  the  Conductor  will 
be  called  on  to  officiate  as  toast-master,  at  all  the  public  dinners  which  are  given  at 
the  Tavern ;  and  he  w  ill  likewise  be  required  to  give  his  vocal  services  at  most  of  the 
Odd  Fellows'  feasts  and  Goose  Club  suppers  that  are  held  there.  He  must  therefore 
be  competent  to  undertake  the  solo  business ;  and  in  order  to  maintain  the  high 
reputation  which  the  Cat  and  Bagpipes  has  acquired  as  being  a  first-class  Musical 
Establishment,  his  repertoire  must  include  the  latest  works  of  the  best  masters, 
such,  for  example,  as  the  gifted  llENftY  RUSSELL,  and  the  talented  Composer  of  the 
"  Jlatcatcher't  Daughter." 

There  being  also  now  some  vacancies  in  the  Chorus  department,  the  gentleman 
referred  to  at  the  head  of  this  Advertisement  is  earnestly  requested,  if  this  should 
meet  his  eye,  to  make  mention  of  the  matter  to  such  of  his  acquaintance  as  may  be 
known  to  have  similarly  powerful  organs.  In  order  to  secure  the  highest  vocal 
talent,  it_is  the  intention  of  the  proprietor  of  the  above  establishment  to  spare  no 
expense  in  his  professional  engagements.  The  most  liberal  terms  may  therefore  be 
depended  on,  and  in  addition  to  the  salary,  (which  will  be  guaranteed  by  a  lien  on 
the  piano — subject  only  to  the  prior  claim  of  the  owner,  it  being  merely  a  hired 
instrument)  each  vocalist  will  have  allowed  him  plenty  of  "paper,"  both  in  orders 
and  cigars,  and  will  each  evening  be  supplied  with  white  kid  gloves  and  grog  at  the 
expense  of  the  house,  with  the  addition  of  the  nightly  loan  of  a  dress  suit. 

For  further  information,  apply  in  person  at  the  Concert  Room,  between  the 
business  hours  of  3  and  5,  A.M. 


MAY  30,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


221 


OUR    OWN    VIVANDIERE. 


MR.  PUNCH  begs  to  lay  before  his  innumerable  readers  the  following  letter.  It  will  no 
doubt  be  remarked  that  the  writer  says  many  more  than  two  words  for  him,  and  hardly 
one  for  herself:  but  Mr.  Punch  does  not  omit  the  former,  because  they  are  inseparably 
linked  with  the  latter : — 


"  MOTHER  SKACOI.K  lovea  to  acknowledge  the  kindness  shown  her  by  her  sons,  whether  in  black  or  red 
coats,  and  hastens  to  assure  Punch  that  she  has  long  felt  a  mother's  affection  for  him.     For  she  remembers  a 
time  when  a  word  of 
gloom  of  a  suffering  arm 

how — as  she  walked  thrc-n.. — , —  -  —  -, — ., ,  .    . 

tributions  of  kind  officers  to  their  sick  man.  the  sufferers  would  plead  for  a  glimpse  of  Punch,  which  seldom 
failed  to  have  a  heart-stirring  piece  of  poetry  or  a  uoble  sketch  m  appreciation,  of  their  struggles.  She  has  some 


assure  Punch  that  she  has  long  felt  a  mother  s  aflection  lor  dim.     For  she  remembers  a 

cheur  and  encouragement  from  homo  broko  like  a  ray  of  golden  sunlight  through  the 

rmy.  and  that  word  Punch  never  failed  »o  (rive  her  soldier  sons.     Nor  has  she  forgotten 

hroujrh  the  wards  of  the  hospital  at  Spring  Hill,  her  arms  ladun  with  papers,  the  con- 


of  these  numbers  now,  old  and  worn  and  frayed  by 
many  a  strong  hand  brought  low  by  the  HusaUu  bullet 
or  pestilence.  It  .shared  the  high  [MjpnUnty  of  the  lllu*- 
f'-"f"/  Lon'tvn  A'rtf*,  and  r».-munib«rmK  UICMO  old  time*,  it 
stirs  the  heart  ol  Men  HER  SKACOI.K  like  the  sound  of  tin 
old  war-cry  she  may  never  bear  again,  to  lind  her  i-oor 
name  noticed  in  the  columns  which  cheered  ou  Enguuid 
to  a  noble  contest. 

"And  more  than  this.  MOTFIKR  BBACOI.E  in  this,  her 
season  of  want — for  the  Peace  which  brought  blessings  to 
so  many  ruined  her— feels  that  the  HOT  :  |  >uii 

brings  sunshine  into  the  poor  little  room — not 
quite  a  garret  yet,  thank  God,  she  has  one  more  weary 
•lory  to  climb  before  her  pallet  rests  to  near  the  sky— to 
which  she  is  reduced. 

"  .N'ot  that  the  nriny's  mother  murmurs  at  her  lot.  She 
knows  that  she  U  not  flung  aside  like — like  some  of  the 
brave  men  for  whose  blood  there  is  no  further  need  ;  and 
she  believes  there  will  yet  be  work  for  her  to  do  some- 
where. Perhaps  in  China,  nerhup*  ou  some  other  distant 
•bore  to  which  Englishmen  go  to  serve  their  country, 
then  may  be  woman's  work  to  do — and  for  that  work  if 
her  good  son  Punch  will  cheer  hur  on  old  MOTHEB  SKA- 
COLE  has  a  heart  and  bauds  left  yet." 

"  14,  Boko  Square,  May,  8,  1857." 

It  will  be  evident,  from  the  foregoing,  that 
MOTHER  SEACOLE  has  sunk  much  lower  in  the 
world,  and  is  also  in  danger  of  rising  much 
higher  in  it,  than  is  consistent  with  the  honour 
of  the  British  army,  and  the  generosity  of  the 
British  public.  Both  will  be  disgraced  if 
MOTHER  SEACOLE,  by  reason  of  declining  circum- 
stances, should  have  to  ascend  into  a  garret. 
Although  she  has  a  heart  and  hands  left  yet 
to  help  herself,  in  case  of  opportunity,  the 
opportunity  may  never  arrive ;  in  the  mean- 
while, has  England  no  heart  left  to  help  hcr'r 
Hands  England  has  plenty  to  help  her,  it  there 
arc  any  hearts  to  move  them,  and  put  them  into 
pockets  containing  more  money  than  the  pro- 
prietors thereof  know  how  to  employ  for  any 
praiseworthy  purpose.  Who  would  give  a  guinea 
to  see  a  mimic  sutler-woman,  and  a  foreigner, 
frisk  and  amble  about  the  stage,  when  he  might 
bestow  the  money  on  a  genuine  English  one, 
reduced  to  a  two-pair  back,  and  in  imminent 
danger  of  being  obliged  to  climb  into  an  attic  ? 


PADDY'S  BREAKFAST,  LUNCH,  DINNER,  AXD 
SUPPER,—"  Semper  Praties.''^ 


PUNCH'S  ESSENCE  OF  PARLIAMENT. 

Mtty  18.  Monday.  The  QUEEN  sent  a  message  to  Parliament  to  say 
that  her  eldest  daughter  was  engaged,  and  suggesting  that  something 
should  be  done  to  set  up  the  young  couple.  Parliament  received  the 
message  very  affably,  and,  at  the  end  of  the  week,  with  all  sorts  of 
kind  speeches,  gave  the  bride  £40,000  down,  and  £8,000  a-ycar  for 
v  lint.  Jar.  Punch  trusts  will  be  a  long  and  happy  life. 

The  LORD  CHANCELLOR  introduced,  once  more,  the  Bill  for  reform- 
ing the  system  of  proving  VVills.  The  proctors  are  not  to  be  compcn- 
: -iii  I'll,  but  are  to  have  the  ria;ht  of  exclusive  practice  in  the  new  will 
courts.  These  astute  gentlemen  will  not  materially  suffer  by  the 
clnnge — where  there 's  a  Will  there's  a  way  for  a  proctor  to  pocket 
pickings.  People  are  to  be  allowed  to  send  their  wills  to  an  office 
in  London,  to  be  taken  care  of  until  wanted,  so  that  from  and  after  the 
passing  of  the  Act  a  discouragement  will  be  given  to  the  novelist  or 
dramatist,  who  is  always  finding  wills  in  old  clocks,  in  secret  drawers, 
behind  looking-glasses,  in  cast-off  boots,  and  other  places  where  safety 
is  not  so  much  an  object  as  mystifying  one's  family  and  creating  a 
"situation." 

COLONEL  NORTH  pitched  into  WISCOUNT  WILLIAMS  for  vilifying  the 
Army,  which  the  noble  WISCOUNT  denied  having  done  ;  but  proceeded 
to  .-iccuse  military  men  generally  of  trying  to  impose  heavy  expenses  on 
the  nation,  for  the  purpose  of  promoting  their  own  interests.  To  the 
pachydermatous; WISCOUNT  this  kind  of  conduct  seems  a  mere  trick  of 
trade,  and  it  is  not  viliBcation  to  charge  gentlemen  with  it.  GENE  HAL 
(  nKixciTON  stood  up  for  GENERAL  ASHKURNII AM,  and  then  the  Navy 
Estimates  were  taken.  SIR  CIIAKLES  WOOD  obtained  53,700  men  and 
boys,  and  about  five  millions  and  a  half  of  money. 

Tuesday.  The  only  tolerable  debate  of  the  week  arose  in  the  Lords, 
on  the  Divorce  Bill.  The  second  reading  was  moved  by  the  LORD 
CHANCELLOR,  supported  by  LOUD  LYXDIIURST  and  LORD  CAMFBI'.I.L, 
and  opposed  by  divers  Bishops,  a  majority  of  the  hierarchy,  however, 
voting  in  its  favour.  All  the  arguments  were  old  enough,  except  one, 


upon  which  DR.  HAMILTON,  BISHOP  OF  SALISBUKT,  based  his  oppo- 
sition to  the  bill ;  namely,  that  people,  if  they  were  Christians,  were 
bound  to  forgive  one  another  all  offences  whatsoever.  Where  does 
this  priest  come  from  ?  He  has  clearly  fallen  upon  the  wrong  age. 
Such  a  doctrine  might  be  all  very  well  in  the  early  days  of  Christianity, 
when  its  professors  had  to  set  examples  to  the  heathen,  or  it  might 
do  for  some  outlandish 'place,  where  society  has  no  claims  upon  one  ; 
but  it  is  perfectly  preposterous  if  advanced  as  a  rule  for  our  conduct 
in  these  times.  We  had  fancied  that  Bishops  were  men  of  this  world, 
but  DR.  HAMILTON  is  a  painful  exception,  and  if  he  would  exchange 
the  See  of  Salisbury  for  some  missionary  station  in  a  distant  country, 
his  order  would  cease  to  suffer  by  his  ridiculous  teaching.  Mr.  Punck 
was  happy  to  see  that  the  first  law  officer  of  the  Crown  sanctioned  no 
such  Arcadian  nonsense,  and  though  "not  pretending  to  interpret 
Scripture,"  declared  that  it  was  not  possible  for  a  husband  really  to 
pardon  an  erring  wife.  Some  of  the  Lords,  lay  and  clerical,  were 
very  emphatic  against  facilitating  divorce,  on  the  curious  ground  that 
if  you  enabled  a  man  to  get  rid  of  a  bad  wife  you  taught  him  to  hold 
the  sacredncss  of  the  marriage  tie  in  light  esteem.  The  DUKE  OF 
NORFOLK,  as  a  Catholic,  contended  that  marriage  was  indissoluble, 
and  gave  notice  that  he  should  try  to  shelve  the  bill.  This  comes  of 
Catholic  Emancipation — we  set  these  people  free,  and  they  seek  to 
impose  chains  on  us.  If  his  Grace  carries  his  motion,  Mr.  Punch 
means  to  petition  for  a  repeal  of  the  Act  of  '29.  The  ARCHBISHOP 
OF  CANTERBURY  and  the  BISHOP  OF  LONDON  voted  for  reform,  and 
indeed  with  the  exception  of  a  Bishop  or  two  (Oxford  for  one) 
the  minority  list  is  composed  of  the  names  of  the  feeblest  creatures 
in  the  House  of  Lords.  The  second  reading  was  carried  by  47 
to  18. 

The  Commons  did  one  foolish  and  one  wise  thing.  They  rejected, 
by  221  to  86,  MR.  DILLWYX'S  bill  for  trying  whipcord,  instead  of  a 
comfortable  and  costly  imprisonment,  upon  scoundrels  who  beat  and 
illtreat  women  and  children :  and  they  carried,  by  313  to  174,  a  motion 
for  abolishing  Minister's  Money  (an  objectionable  church-rate,  for 
which  an  advantageous  substitution  is  made)  in  Ireland. 


222 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  30,  1857. 


Wednesday.  The  Commons  got  through  some  uninteresting  business, 
but  some  petitions  were  presented  highly  interesting  to  the  parties 
concerned,  namely,  Election  Petitions.  The  time  for  presenting  them 
has  expired,  and  there  are  nearly  Sixty.  So  it  is  probable  that  MR, 
DOD  will  have  to  issue  a  supplement  to  his  admirable  Parliamentary 
Companion. 

Thursday.  The  Lords  being  all  at  the  evening  service  appointed  for 
Ascension  Day  by  the  Book  of  Common  Prayer,  of  course  could  not 
assemble  for  secular  purposes. 

The  Commons,  though  they  gathered,  did  so  to  hear  a  sermon  from 
the  REVEREND  MR.  SPOONER  upon  Maynooth.  His  own  friends  did 
not  muster  strongly,  there  being  actually  only  NEWDEGATE  and  one 
other  gentleman  on  the  Opposition  benches  during  the  oration,  but 
his  enemies  came  in  greater  force,  and,  on  division,  in  lieu  of  the 
triumph  once  epically  recorded  by  Mr.  Punch,  the  valiant  SPOONER 
was  defeated  by  125  to  91,  and,  what  was  worse,  nobody  would  reply 
to  him.  Mr.  'Punch  would  like  to  calm  MR.  SPOOLER'S  mind  in 
reference  to  his  terrors  about  the  Catholics,  if  that  honourable  gentle- 
man cannot  see  that  while  Punch  exists  any  triumph  for  Popery 
is  impossible.  Punch  is  worth  more  than  a  hundred  of  Exeter  Halu 
to  Protestantism.  When  CARDINAL  WISEMAN  and  his  accomplices 
have,  with  great  labour  and  pains,  spun  a  cobweb  for  the  entrapping  of 
the  lieges,  Mr.  Punch  smiles,  and  pokes  his  stick  through  it,  and  the 
Cardinal  is  obliged  to  take  refuge  in  anonymous  pamphleteering, 
instead  of  boldly  printing  his  name  like  Mr.'Puach.  But  it  seems  that 
MR.  SPOONER  is  afraid  lest  the  Irish  priests,  having  been  taught 
treason  at  Maynooth,  should  practise  it.  Bless  MR.  SPOOLER'S  soul, 
suppose  an  Irish  priest  conceived  the  idea  of  becoming  a  traitor,  nay, 
had  convinced  his  whiskified  conscience  that  he  ought  to  be  one,  a 
vision  would  come  across  him  of  Ma.  JUSTICE  KEOGH,  or  some  other 
Catholic  judge,  who,  if  the  worthy  father  carried  his  idea  into  effect, 
would,  without  the  faintest  reverence  for  the  teaching  of  Maynooth. 
consign  him  to  the  cord  or  the  convict-ship.  Now,  if  the  priest  had 
really  been  properly  instructed  in  Jesuitry,  he  would  know  that  "  self- 
defence  against  a  cruel  judge  is  not  only  a  right  but  a  duty,"  and 
consequently,  that  he  is  bound  to  keep  his  treason  to  himself, "  provided 
only  that  he  is  a  traitor  in  Intention."  Dear  MR.  SPOONER,  what 
danger  need  QUEEN  VICTORIA  apprehend  from  the  disciples  of 
ESCOBAR,  with  judges  on  the  bench,  and  Mr.  Punch  in  Fleet  Street  ? 

SIR  RICHARD  BETHELL  introduced  his  Bill  for  dealing  with  Fraudu- 
lent Trustees,  and,  moreover,  as  Mr.  Punch  expected,  announced  that 
he  would  prosecute  the  Directors  of  the  British  Bank,  who,  it  may  be 
presumed,  have  obtained  their  passports.  SIR  RICHARD  was  anxious 
to  impress  on  the  House  that  he  had  not  come  to  this  determination 
in  consequence  of  any  newspaper  dictation.  Of  course  not,  but  Ap 
ITHELL  had  read  Ap  PUNCH,  though,  who  pledges  his  health  in  the 
following  glass  of  CWRW.  (He  d>inks.) 

Friday.  LORD  PANMURE  stated  that  he  was  nearly  ready  with  a 
complete  system  of  education  for  the  officers  of  the  Army.  What  a 
delightful  change  is  in  prospect.  Imagine  the  day  when,  going  per 
rail  from  Loadon  to  Woolwich,  with  a  lot  of  young  officers,  Mr.  Punch, 
instead  of  being  merely  amused  with  biographies  of  rat  terriers, 
speculations  whether  JONES  will  get  his  step,  suggestions  of  remedies 
for  being  blessed  seedy,  comparisons  between  the  ancles  of  dancers, 
eulogies  on  MR.  PAUL  BEDFORD,  and  recommendations  to  read  Bell's 
Life  about  the  Slashing  Butterman,  Mr.  Punch  shall  be  instructed 
with  parall  Is  between  FABIUS  and  SIR  CHAKLES  NAPIER,  descriptions 
of  the  siege  of  Rhodes,  essays  on  castrametation,  discussions  on 
military  engineering,  citations  from  the  Duke's  Despatches,  and 
analyses  of  MR.  WILLIAM  RUSSELL'S  lectures ! 

The  Commons,  after  attending  to  the  PRINCESS  ROYAL  in  the 
manner  already  stated  (MR.  ROEBUCK  and  the  WISCOUNT  objecting, 
but  giving  way,  and  the  vote  being  unanimous)  took  more  Navy 
Estimates,  and  passed  the  Transportation  Bill.  LORD  PALMERSTON 
announced  ihat  the  House  would  not  sit  on  the  day  on  which  our 
"  Isthmian  Games  "  were  celebrated,  meaning,  as  it  was  necessary  to 
explain  to  divers  railway  members,  officers,  and  others,  the  Derby  Day. 


MEAT  AND  DRINK. 

SWIFT,  in  his  immortal  Tale  of  a  Tub,  represents  Peter  as  trying  to 
persuade  his  brothers,  Martin  and  Jack,  that  a  cut  off  a  loaf  was  a 
slice  of  mutton,  and  not  only  that,  but  also  a  glass  of  wine.  The  fol- 
lowing advertisement,  which  has  lately  appeared,  may  be  imagined  to 
have  emanated  from  Peter:— 

TV/rOUTON,  an  excellent  DESSERT  CLAPET,  36s.  per  doz. 

This  advertisement  may  suggest  a  riddle,  and  occasion  some  wag  to 
ask,  what  that  is  which  may  be  drunk  at  dessert  and  eaten  at  dinner  ? 
In  imbibing  Mouton  wine,  the  archaeologist  will  be  reminded  of  a  good 
old  English  beverage.  Whilst  he  is,  as  it  were,  drinking  Sheep,  he  will 
remember  that  his  ancestors  were  accustomed  to  quaff  Lambswool. 


SINGERS    IN    THE    SAWDUST. 

LL  well  bred  persons 
are  aware  it  is  con- 
sidered vulgar  to 
express  surprise, 
but  however  we 
may  jeopardise  our 
fashionable  reputa- 
tion, we  must  really 
own  to  feeling  some 
astonishment  on 
hearing  that  an 
opera  had  been  per- 
formed on  horse- 
back. Having  seen 
Macbeth  hippodra- 
matised  at  Astley's, 
and  having  read  how 
•d  II.  has  been 
mounted  ( in  the 
episode  procession 
scene)  at  the  Prin- 
cess's, we  have 
grown  somewhat 
accustomed  to  find 
SHAKSPEARE  in  the  sawdust;  but  we  must  confess  we  were  con- 
siderably startled  to  learn  that  VERDI  had  been  put  into  the  saddle. 
It  took  us  quite  two  minutes  to  recover  respiration  when  we 
heard  II  Trovatore  had  been  done  at  Astley's,  and  that  as  it  was 
"  supported  by  the  whole  strength  of  the  stud,"  there  was  a  strong 
hope  of  its  having  a  good  run.  Even  yet  we  confess  w*e  scarcely  can 
imagine  a  priata  donna  upon  horseback,  and,  as  it  certainly  would  seem 
to  us,  taking  an  airing  while  giving  us  her  airs.  Nor  can  we  fancy 
how  the  tender  tenor  can  possibly  pursue  the  even  tenour  of  his  way, 
when  he  thus  is  brought  to  such  a  jog-trot  existence ;  and  we  cannot 
think,  if  he  be  shaky  in  his  seat,  how  he  can  contrive  to  sing  at  all 
with  firmness.  Even  an  Astleyian  steed  will  caper  now  and  then,  and 
every  such  prance  must  cause  a  tremolo  concerted  movement  of  the 
voice  together  with  the  body  of  the  rider :  so  that  in  the  execution  of 
a  rondo  round  the  Circus,  there  would  probably  be  many  more  shakes 
introduced  than  the  most  florid  of  composers  ever  dreamed  of. 

If  the  experiment  succeed  (and  we  may  at  least  congratulate  the 
management  uponjts  acting  on  the  maxim,  Fiat  experimentum  in  cor- 
pore  Verdi),  of  course  we  soon  shall  find  it  has  been  followed,  and 
every  circus-master  6f  the  horse  will  become  for  the  time  a  singing 
master  also.  Peihaps  Don  Giovanni  will  tread  next  in  the  hoof  prints 
of  II  Trovatore  (and  we  would  walk  a  mile  ourselves  to  see  the 
Leponllo  of  LABLACIIE  a-straddle  !).  La  Sonnambula  might  also  be 
" equestrianly  illustrated;"  and  the  walk  over  the  water-wheel  an- 
nounced as  a  "  daring  feat  of  equitation."  Of  all  Operas,  however, 
the  Beggars'  is  most  suited  to  be  set  on.  horseback  ;  and  we  are  sure 
Mackeath  would  be  quite  certain  of  a  hit,  by  continually  tumbling  off 
two  bare-backed  steeds,  and  singing— 

Oil.  how  happy  could  I  bo  on  either, 

Were  t'other  fleet  courser  away  : 
But  when  trying  to  ride  both  together, 

On  neither  a  moment  I  stay  ! 

Of  course  where  a  ballet  or  a  ball-scene  occurs,  as,  for  instance,  in 
Roberto  or  Gustaws,  there  might  be  introduced  a  set  of  equestrian 
quadrilles,  or  perhaps  a  polka  by  performing  ponies :  and  by  way  9f  a 
finale,  some  hurdles  might  be  brought,  over  which  the  vocalists  might 
jump  to  a  conclusion. 


Literature  in  America. 

"  IN  America,"  said  MR.  JUSTICE  HALLIBURTON  at  the  Literary 
Fund  banquet,  "the  author  flattered  the  public,  and  the  public  flattered 
the  author,  and  there  was  no  honesty  between  them."  We  should 
rather  say  for  our  English  selves — "in  America,  the  author  is  robbed 
by  the  public,  and  whatever  honesty  may  remain  is  wholly  and  indi- 
visibly  on  the  author's  side."  For  flattery,  read  moral  felony,  and  the 
sentence  is,  we  think,  greatly  improved. 


Humboldt  Honoured! 

BARON  HITMBOLDT,  majestic  in  years  and  wisdom,  has  at  length 
achieved  the  very  summit  of  all  earthly  greatness.  PRINCE  NAPOLEON, 
before  leaving  Berlin,  in  the  name  of  the  EMPEROB.  OF  THE  FRENCH, 
conferred  on  the  author  of  Kosmos,  the  decoration  of — a  Grand  Officer 
of  the  Legion  of  Honour.  It  is  said  that  the  EMPEROR  OF  HAYTI  has 
commissioned  the  ebony  BARON  JEAN  SIMON,  his  Ambassador  at  the 
English  Court,  to  confer  upon  SIR  RODERICK  MURCHISON  the  Most 
Noble  Order  of  the  Black  Beetle. 


JCSE  G,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


223 


How  agreeable  it  is,  and  more  especially  if  you  are  late,  and  are  drestiny 

ayainst  time  to  dine  with  ultra-punctual  people — how  agreeable  it  it,  on 

getting  into  your  clean  skirt,  to  find  tlte  laundress  IIMS  been  careful  to  fatten 

all  the  buttons  for  you  I 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

May  25,  Monday.  The  QUEEN'S  Birthday,  the  Isthmian  games,  and 
the  approach  of  Whitsuntide,  combined  to  furnish  Parliament  with 
excuses  for  lightening  its  labours  this  week.  The  Lords  applied 
ives  to  one  subject  only,  namely  the  Divorce  Bill,  which  they 
discussed  in  Committee  on  Monday  and  Thursday.  'Hie  result  of 
their  labours  has  to  be  edited  by  the  Commons,  and  therefore  it  is 
necessary  only  to  say  that  the  Roman  Catholic  DUKE  OF  NORFOLK 
\\iis  defeat  ed  by  123  to  2C  in  his  attempt  to  get  rid  of  the  Bill  on  the 
ground  that  marriage  was  indissoluble, — that  LORD  ST.  LEONARDS 
carried,  against  Government,  a  clause  for  depriving;  husband's,  who 
have  separated  from  their  wives,  of  the  power  of  seizing  the  property 
of  those  unfortunate  women— that  LORD  LYNDHURST  was  unsuccessful 
in  an  attempt  to  have  it  declared  that  five  years'  abandonment  should 
amount  to  dissolution  of  marriage,  and  that  the  BISHOP  OF  OXFORD 
carried  by  53  to  47  a  clause  preventing  the  re-marriage  of  divorced 
persona.  Hushed  with  his  victory,  the  haughty  S9APEY  made  another 
professional  demonstration,  and  sought  to  leave  it  to  an  individual 
clergyman  to  say  whether  he  would  or  would  not  read  the  marriage 
service  over  any  one  who  happened  to  have  been  divorced,  and  desired  to 
wed  a  new  consort.  But  this  was  a  little  too  priestly  for  the  Lords, 
and  SAMUEL  was  beaten  by  78  to  26.  Finally,  an  excessively  strong 
amendment  was  concocted  and  agreed  to,  namely,  that  henceforth, ' 
where  the  wife  has  erred,  there  shall  be  no  action  for  damages,  but ' 
that  any  man  violating  the.  Seventh  Commandment  shall  be  guilty  of 
a  misdemeanor  and  punishable  by  fine  or  imprisonment.  In  this 
form  the  Bill  stands  at  present,  and  all  that  Mr.  Punch  intends  to  say 
upon  a  subject  of  more  importance  than  nineteen-twentieths  of  the 
topics  that  come  before  Parliament,  is,  that  the  House  of  Lords  is 
treating  the  measure  with  the  grave  and  earnest  consideration  it 
demands,  and  that  lie  trusts  the  Commons  will  show  equal  good  taste 
and  good  feeling. 

A  noticeable  point  was  one  raised  on  the  report  of  the  Wills  Bill. 
It  was  urged  by  84  out  of  104  proctors,  that  the  Bill  would  reduce 
their  profits  from  £90,000  to  £15,000  a-year.  We  wonder  that  the 
announcement  of  such  a  boon  to  the  public  did  not  induce  the  Lords 
inst  ant  ly  to  suspend  the  standing  orders,  and  pass  the  Bill  in  five  minutes. 
Assuredly,  here  are  75,000  reasons  in  favour  of  the  measure.  Just  look 


at  the  thing,  and  consider  the  impudence  of  81-  great  black 
claiming  to  suck  £90,000  a-year  out  of  the  public.  This  jietition  has 
settled  the  business.  Be  it  also  mentioned  that  LORD  DI.-.VGANNON. 
on  the  part  of  the  very  High  Church,  objected  to  the  Bishops  and 
others  preaching  in  Exeter  Hall,  to  thousands  who  have  no  other 
Church-accommodation.  The  BISHOP  OF  LONDON,  however,  made  this 
Puseyite  prig  an  eloquent  and  admirable  reply,  endorsed  by  the  ARCH- 
iiisiHir  OF  CANTERBURY.  The  Lords  took  holiday  from  Thursday  to 
Thursday. 

A  small  knot  in  the  Commons,  14  in  all,  endeavoured  to  redurc  the 
I'KIXCKSS  ROYAL'S  dowry  by  £s!,000,  but  328  members  confirmed  the 
original  proposition.  An  attempt  was  also  made  to  deprive  the  young 
lady  of  the  £40,000  voted  to  her,  but  301  were  found  for  giving  it,  and 
only  18  the  other  way.  The  elap-t rap-setters  in  the  minority  will 
easily  be  guessed  at,  but  Mr.  /'um:'i  will  not  assist  the  snobs  in  their 
object  by  publishing  their  names. 

The  veteran  PALMERSTON  then  came  out  as  Secretary  at  War  and 
moved  the  Army  estimates.  He  was  doing  the  same  tiling  in  1809, 
when,  as  MR.  JOHN  TIMBS  informs  us,  lie  also  gave  orders  for  the  repair 
and  improvement  of  the  Horse  Guards  Clock.  PAM  and  the  clock  have 
gone  on  capitally  ever  since,  both  receiving  such  additional  enlighten- 
ment as  the  age  suggested,  but  always  showing  a  good  face  to  the 
world,  and  being  looked  up  to  as  favourite  authorities.  As  regards 
the  Army,  he  explained  that,  there  was  an  increase  in  our  cavalry  and 
artillery,  but  none  in  our  infantry,  and  that  he  wanted  about  eleven 
millions  of  money,  a  good  deal  of  which  was  voted.  The  reason  LORD 
igned  for  making  the  speech  was,  that  the  new  young  rich  Under 
Secretary,  SIR  JOHN  KAM.SDF.N,  had  not  been  long  enough  in  office  to 
learn  more  than  details.  He  has  already  learned  enough,  however,  to 

get  rebuked  for  discourtesy  to  Members  asking  questions,  so  there  are 
opes  that  he  will  in  time  rival  FRED.  PEEL. 

Tuesday.  QUEEN  VICTORIA  kept  her  birthday. 

Wednesday.  BLINK  BONNY  won  the  Derby,  as  prophesied  by  Mr. 
Punch  on  page  122  of  this  volume,  and  by  no  other  prophet  whatsoever. 

Thursday.  MR.  HENRY  HERBERT,  Member  for  Kerry,  who  owns 
that  lovely  place  by  Killarney,  where  Mr.  Punch,  lentus  in  umbra,  and 
looking  love  to  eyes  that  answered  love  again,  did,  some  summers 

since but  pshaw,  this  is  trifling— up,  HERCULES  from  the  feet  of 

OMPHALE.  So,  so,  Mr.  Punch  is  himself  again.  MR.  HERBERT,  then, 
the  amiable  proprietor  of  charming  property  in  Ireland,  lias  accepted 
the  office  of  Irish  Secretary,  vacant  by  the  resignation  of  the  atrabilious 
HORSMAN.  MR.  KEATING,  the  barrister,  and  Member  for  Heading,  is 
the  new  Solicitor-General. 

Prussia  has  signed  with  Switzerland ;  so  that  storm  in  a  teacup  is 
hushed.  MR.  ROEBUCK  brought  on  a  debate  upon  our  relations  with 
Brazil,  and  LORD  PALMERSTON  explained  that  we  keep  a  rod  hanging 
over  the  Brazilians'  heads,  to  be  administered  elsewhere  only  in  the 
event  of  their  not  actively  discouraging  the  slave  trade.  SIR  CHARLES 
NAPIER  (failing,  as  usual)  moved  for  a  committee  to  inquire  into  the 
constitution  of  the  Board  of  Admiralty,  and  among  other  pleasant 
things,  a  la  Cassandra,  said  that  in  the  event  of  a  sudden  war  with 
France  and  Russia,  QUEEN  VICTORIA'S  throne  would  not  be  worth  six 
months'  purchase.  He  must  have  forgotten  that  he  himself  is  not  in 
command  of  the  fleet.  BERNAL  OSBORNE  peppered  the  old  humbug 
with  some  severity,  but  more  effectual  notice  should  be  taken  of 
statements  involving  such  charges  against  the  Executive.  It  is  clear, 
either  that  SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER  ought  to  be  expelled  the  House  and 
the.  Service,  or  that  SIR  CHARLES  WOOD  ought  to  be  hanged. 

LOUD  RAYNHAM,  who  is  acquiring  an  honourable  notoriety  by 
I  n  ing  to  help  the  helpless,  endeavoured  to  obtain  a  committee  for 
inquiring  into  the  working  of  the  Act  for  punishing  aggravated  assaults 
on  women  and  children ;  but  SIR  GEORGE  GREY,  though  professing  to 
believe  that  the  Act  was  doing  much  good,  •  refused  to  consent  to 
the  production  of  proof;  and  the  motion,  for  which  84  voted,  was 
rejected. 

Friday.  BLINK  BONNY  won  the  Oaks.  The  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE 
EXCHEQUER  ventured  upon  one  of  those  pieces  of  official  hypocrisy 
which,  thanks  to  Mr.  Punch,  are  now  seldom  risked.  He  boldly  de- 
clared that  Members  of  Parliament  had  no  right  to  nominate  candi- 
dates for  public  situations.  Literally  taken,  his  assertion  was  true — 
they  have  no  such  right.  But  in  practice  we  should  like  to  know 
what  MR.  HAYTER  would  say  to  a  regulation  forbidding  him  to  mark 
his  sense  of  the  exemplary  conduct  of  a  Member  of  Parliament,  by 
handing  him  a  bit  of  patronage  for  a  meritorious  constituent.  What 
is  the  use  of  talking  such  folly  ?  If  Mr.  Punch's  lofty  virtue  and 
leaded  baton  did  not  make  it  dangerous  to  approach  him  with  unworthy 
suggestions,  he  has  but  to  hint,  any  night,  that  he  intends  to  divide 
against  Ministers,  and  there  would  be  a  sudden  recollection  that  a 
place  in  the  Treasury  was  ready  for  his  son,  one  in  the  Post  Office  for 
his  nephew,  and  one  in  the  Custom-House  for  any  member  of  the 
Blacking  Brigade  who  last  polished  Mr.  P.'s  button-boots. 

MR.  BOWYER  is  the  organ  of  the  Romish  priests,  and  they,  hating 
Prussia  as  a  Protestant  power,  have  set  this  amiable  but  silly  man  to 
endeavour  to  fix  an  insult  upon  the  Prussian  Court.  He  moved,  and 


TOl.  XXXII. 


224 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  6,  1857. 


!  the  Wiseount  seconded  him,  that,  the  PBINCESS  ROYAL'S  income  should 
cease  as   soon  ns  she  became  Queen  of  Prussia.     The  feeling  of  the 

lied  the  Papist  and  the  Snob  to  withdraw  the  motion. 
The  attention  of  the  House  was  called  to  the  state  of  the  Scotch 
Pauper  Lunatic  Asylums,  in  which  it  appears  that  all  the  horrors  of 
which  we  read  with  a  shudder  as  having  been  permitted,  in  other 
years,  in  Knsland,  arc  in  rampant  existence.  Scotland  is  too  drunken 
a  country  not  to  have  much  lunacy  in  it,  but  is  so  religious  a  country 
that  it  ought  to  sec  that  the  unhappy  victims  of  whiskey  and  Calvinism 
are  duly  cared  for. 

The  rest   of  the  Army  Estimates  were  taken,   and   the  Commons 
followed  the  example  of  the  Lords  in  separating  for  the  Whitsuntide 


recess. 


THE    NAPIER    LETTER-WRITER. 

HOVELLED   OX  THE  EPISTOLARY   PRODUCTIONS   Of  THAT  DISTINGUISHED 
FAMILY    OF  MARTYRS. 


A  NAPIER,  in  answer  to  a  tradesman's  circular  requesting  patronage. 

"  SIR,— Take  back  your  blatant 
manifesto.  Whether  its  con- 
tents state  trut  h  or  falsehood, 
you  insult  an  ill-paid  man  by 
inviting  him  to  make  purchases, 
and  therefore  you  may  go  to 
the  father  of  lies. 
"A.  NAPIER, 

"  Bombardier-General." 

A   NAPIER,   in   nnswrr  to  an 
Invitation  to  Dinner. 

"DEAR  BROWN, — You  have 
asked  me  to  dinner  three  times, 
whereas  I  have  asked  you  but 
twice.  This  assumption  of  su- 
periority is  either  degrading 
ignorance  or  beastly  effrontery, 
and  either  alternative  compels 
me  to  say,  that  I  will  see  you' 
hanged  first.  Your  anticipatory 
excuse  that  I  should,  by  going, 
meet  JONES,  makes  matters 
worse.  Why  should  I  meet 
that  ineffable  humguffin  and 
treacherous  parasite  ? 

"  Yours,  B.  NAPIEB, 
"  Quartermaster-General." 

A  NAPIER,  in  answer  to  an  offer  of  an  Opera  Box. 

"  DEATI  MADAM,— I  cannot  suppose  that  you  meant  to  annoy  me, 
by  proposing-  that  I  should  have  a  box  on  a  night  when  a  new  opera  is 
given  for  the  first  time.  To  your  husband,  of  course,  I  attribute  the 
insult  of  sending  me  on  Thursday,  on  the  chance  of  the  production 
being  good  or  bad,  reserving  the  Saturday  box  for  yourselves,  should 
the  work  be  worth  hearing.  I  am  no  vile  body  on  which  experiments 
may  be  tried,  and  I  beg  to  return  the  card,  which  looks  as  creased  and 
dirty  as  if  you  had  tiied  half  a  dozen  persons  before  you  thought  of 

"  Yours,  truly,  C.  NAPIER,  Paymaster-General." 

A  NAFIER,  in  answer  to  a  request  for  an  Autograph. 

"D.  NAPIER,  Adjutant-General,  desires  his  valet,  MATTHEW 
TREMBLES,  to  say  that  the  impertinent  demand  for  D.  NAPIER'S  auto- 
graph can  only  have  emanated  from  some  abject  tool  of  Govtrnment, 
desirous  to  forge  a  despatch  in  the  name  of  D.  NAPIER,  and  whom  he, 
therefore  thus  tallies." 

A  NAPIER,  in  answer  fo  tin  entreaty  for  his  tote  and  interest  in  an 
Orphan  Asylum  Election. 

"  SIR,— I  know  nothing  of  you  or  the  brat  that  you  patronise,  and 
therefore  refuse ;  but  I  foresee  that  you  wi'l  make  my  doing  so  the 
groundwork  of  a  lying  statement  that  1  am  hostile  tochi'ldten,  whereas 
1  adore  them.  1  am  accustomed  to  slanders,  and  you  may  do  your 
worst,  and  go  to  Pandemonium. 

"  Yours,  E.  NAPIER,  Inspector-General." 

A  NAPH;I;,  //;  answer  to  an  application  to  be  permitted  to  paint  his 

Picture. 

''  SIE, — I  won't.  My  place  is  under  canvas,  not  on  it,  and  those 
who  have  chosen  to  forget  me  in  the  one  position,  shall  not  be  re- 
minded of  in  -und.  Besides,  you  are  impudent.  ALEXANDER 


and  I  conquered  India,  he  had  his  APELLES,  but  do  you  pretend  to  be 
one  ?    Hang  and  bum  your  insolence. 

"  Yours,  F.  NAPIER,  Provott-Marshal-General." 

A  NAPIER,  in  answer  to  a  proposal  to  make  him  a  Peer  cf  the  Realm. 

"  MY  LORD, — Without  inquiring  whether  terror  rather  than  appre- 
ciation has  produced  your  offer  to  make  me  a  peer,  I  beg  to  say,  that 
if  I  accept  a  beggarly  Barony,  I  perfectly  comprehend  the  desire 
that  exists  on  the  part  of  the  Court  and  the  Government  to  muzzle  me 
with  a  coronet,  and  I  acknowledge  the  compliment.  I  only  consent  to 
be  a  mere  Baron  at  a  time  of  life  when  WELLINGTON  was  an  Earl,  on 
the  distinct  understanding  that  if  any  slavish  sycophant  or  foul-mouthed 
bully  receives  similar  honour  with  myself,  I  am  at  once  created  a 
Duke.  Also,  I  will  not  be  made  at  the  same  time  with  that  respectable 
fool,  ROBINSON. 

"  Your  obedient  Servant,  G.  NAPIER,  Governor-General." 

A  NAPIER,  in  answer  to  a  petition  for  a  lock  cfhis  hair. 

"  MY  DEAR  MATILDA-JANE, — It  is  much  too  grey,  thanks  to  the 
I  brutal  ingratitude  of  a  nation  and  its  rulers.  I  would  rather  send  you 
some  hair  out  of  the  tail  of  my  bonny  old  horse,  though  he  may  be 
grey  too,  for  you  would  hardly  believe  it,  but  a  horse  which  had  carried 
ME  for  two  years  was  refused  free  quarters  in  the  parks  and  stables  at 
Windsor  Castle  for  the  rest  of  his  life.  Man  and  horse,  we  are  alike 
trampled  on,  or  should  be  if  they  dared  do  it.  However,  here's  my 
hair,  and  set  it  in  thick  gold,  for  fear  it  should  stand  on  end  some  day, 
and  break  the  locket,  on  hearing  you  read  in  some  paper  that  the 

jackass  and  idiot,   LORD  D ,  has  received  the  Garter.    A  rope 

would  be  better,  in  which  he  would  dangle  nicely,  to  frighten  the  birds 
from  my  early  peas. 

"  Affectionately,  H.  NAPIER,  Consul-General." 

A  NAPIER,  in  answer  to  a  Newspaper  'Editor. 

"  SIR, — Blow  and  confound  your  atrocious  and  supercilious  audacity. 
Why,  you  lie,  man.  It  was  on  the  30th  of  April,  not  the  1st  of  May, 
as  you  disgustingly  state,  that  I  first  wore  black  breeches,  and  with 
such  a  preposterous  blunder  at  the  outset  of  your  beastly  article,  what 
reliance  can  be  placed  on  the  rest  ?  Drink  your  ink,  blackguard,  and 
don't  spirt  it  over 

"  Yours,  obediently,  I.  NAPIER,  Advocate-General." 


WISDOM  OF  THE  LORD  MAYOR. 


held  the  other  evening  by 
ed- 


IN  the  report  of  the  ridiculous  meeting 

the  United  Kingdom  Alliance,  in  Exeter  Hall,  to  welcome  the  mei 
dlesome  MR.  Dow — who  wishes  to  befool  Britons  into  putting  them- 
selves under  the  restraint  of  his  Liquor  Law — we  find  that  the  REV. 
DAWSON  BURNS  read  letters  of  apology  from  the  BISHOP  OP  LONDON 
and  other  eminent  persons  too  sensible  to  attend,  and  among  them 
from  "the  LORD  MAYOR,  who  returned  the  ticket"  Bravo,  LORD 
MAYOR  !  Fancy  the  impudence  of  the  Alliance  fanatics  in  inviting  the 
LORD  MAYOR  himself  to  assist  at  their  tomfoolery !  Did  they  imagine 
that  they  were  going  to  persuade  the  civic  monarch,  at  the  Mansion- 
House  dinners,  to  send  round  the  Loving  Cup  filled  with  ginger-pop, 
and  to  stand  nothing  better  than  toast  and  water  for  the  toast,  and  for 
every  other  toast  of  the  evening  ? 


The  Future  Queen  of  Prussia. 

MR.  BOWYER  proposed  that,  on  the  event  of  the  PRINCESS  KOYAL 
becoming  QUEEN  OF  PRUSSIA,  her  annuity  paid  by  England  should 
cease.  Was  not  this  an  attempt  by  anticipation,  to  rob  the  Crown  of 
Prussia  of  its  very  richest  jewel;  for  what  other  jewel  could  be  found 
in  that  somewhat  seedy  diadem  worth  £8,100  a-year  ? 


JONB  6,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


225 


THIETY  THOUSAND  POITNDS'  WOSTH  OF   SORROW. 

AT  (he  1-ite  Chester  races,  certain  persons,  self-elected  preachers. 
mill,  inwardly  moved   to  discourse  to  a  turf 
ation  on  the  siufulness  of  the  world  in  general  and  on  the 
Ledness  of  races  in  particular.     Why  not  ?     Ginger  beer 
is  allowed  its  stall  ;  L'infcei bread  nuts  are  permitted  free  vent.     Why, 
then,  should  not  the  lield  preacher  be  permitted  to  froth  witli  indigna- 
tion, and   to  become   red   hot  with  zeal  ill   the   can 

mi    apostles   did    not   interfere   with    the  j-iinuing  —if    they 
he  course  of  themselves  and  their  duel  i  im-s  at  the- 
v.  urniiig,  \M  ,-on  why  their  sermons  should   b 

mint:    interdicted    than    ginger-pop   or    ginger-nuts.       However,    the 
author!1:  'loii'.'ht  otherwise;  ami,  b\   means  of  their  con- 

stables, ronvc'.ed  away  to  safe   keeping  certain  divine  orators,  taken  in 
the  fact  of  c\|  oundinir  their  doctrines  of  woi  olation.     The 

preachers   \\en-  tor  a  time  held  in  custody  ;  and  then  iliselnrL'ed  to  be 
ed  ui'li   fraternal   love  and  refreshed  with  sympathetic  tears: 
for  a  in-  MI  way  convoked  at  Chester  in  admiration  and 

honour  of  1 1  ehing  oppressed. 

The  chair  was  taken  by  M  u.  WILLIAM  Tmi  i  of  the  firm  of 

TlTllKH'  1  -anti  pray  let  the  reader  mark  the  fact,  and   GlLL, 

and,  we  l  -:  for  the  giief,  sorrow,  and  compunction 

that  have  fallen  upon  partner  GILL  must,  if  the  reader  be  not  of  stone, 
melt  him  like  butter.     However,  let  us  tirst  note  two  or  three  lovely 
humility   emanating  from  the,  preachers   t hemselves,  from  the 

men  who  had  been  in  bonds.    MR.  I{KI.I\\I,I>  RADCLTPFB,  a  sufferer, 
said, — "his  poor  hands  had  been  steeped  in  vie-,"  hut  he  had  \v.> 
them,  and  had  n--ed  them  in  prayer  at,  i  for  in  rape 

"Chester  was  drunkenness;  Chester  was  fornication;  Chester 
gambling."     Even  so. 

"  Tho  business  transacted  between  mon  during  tho  race  week  in  front  "f  the 
Royal  Hut  1,  When  a 

e   intention  ol  tl-i- 
retain 

for  £.""'  :i'l    in   return  woul  !,uton 

u  lieu  of  £00  worth  of  goods,  the  trader  would  receive  a 
quantity  of  LI. 

No\\.  \!K.  (In.!,,  of  the  respected  firm  of  TITHEIUXGTOX  AXD  GILL> 
is  a  I  i  Inokcr;  and  is  reputed  to  have  wen  no  less 

at  Chester-cup.     What  a  blow,  then,  is  dealt  by 
it   cotton-broker  GILL!     What   a  draught  of  bit- 
terness is  he  made,  to  drink  from  that  Cup  of  Death,  the  Cup  of  the 
j  Chester  Tint'.      l.tt    us,   however,  not  forget  the   humility  of    the 
It   is  quite  touching  to  learn  the  very  humble  conditions 
upon  which  he  is  willing  to  enter  heaven. 

"  He    would  I   :iiu  repeat  what  he  had  before  stated,  that  he  had  not  one  il 

tli"",  Hi  would  rejoice— it  he  wereablo' 

jnd  th  t\»>n  \* i  h  1,1111  f ,  lri  in-orw,  and  with  tit 

otittablc,  and  with  the  policeman  who  took  hiiu  to  gaol." 

.  what  an  affecting  picture!  How  tender,  how 
lowly,  too,  the  Christian  spirit  that  would  not  refuse  to  go  arm-in-arm 
to  lit  man!  This  very  fact  will  prove  the 

eat  nest  humility  that  moved  the  preacher  to  the  race-course  ;  for  after 
much  MilU-i  in;;-  in  a  <-.  II,  he  is  qmte  prepared  to  forgive  the  constable 
who  took  him  by  tin:  t,-,,l!  tr,  and  conveyed  him  to  the  dungeon,  and, 
slipping.his  arm  untie,-  me  policeman's,  is  quite  ready  and  willing  to 
I'aiadisc  with  A  1.  What  a  subject  for  a  chapel  window,  if 
chape!--  permitted  such  flaunting  vanities. 

We  in  M  K.  GILL,  of  the  firm  of  TiTHEitiNGTONand  GILL: 

to  the  forlorn  and  unfortunate  Mil.  GILL,  who  received  such  a  side- 
kick at  the  heels  of  UAHCLIKFK.  TITIIKHINGTON,  a  man  of  gushing 
piety,  is  in  the  chair;  and  at  once  answers  a  sneering  attack,  headed 
."  that  had  appeared  in  the  Chester  Chronicle. 
What  is  ilu.  TITIIKRINGTON'S  withering  reply  ?  Why,  Tartuffc  must 
hang  his  head,  ashamed;  Canticelt  is  extinguished;  Maicworm  is 
dumfouuded. 

"  Tli-^  paragraph  in  question   (says  TlTHERrNOTON)   was  headed    'Saints    and 
Sinners'  .-unl  w:ts  inti 'i,l,-il  to  offer  contiranil.iti  H,H  to  him  on  the  success  of  his 
1  i .  Ml'    'Joe.  in  \Mimm:r  a  U-ge  sum  of  money  ut  Chester  Races.     He  tfioke  f>j 
tlte  Ft''  '..-,// abatement  :  his  jjartiif  ! t y  of  winning 

O  to'1!/-  BDT  HE  WAS  HAPPV  TO  SAY  ''HAT  HE  (MR.  OlI.L.I   WAS 

AS  B   IUf*    AJS    11IM^£LF,     AND    MR.    GlLL  HAD  RESOLVED   NEVER  TO  BK  BEEN  ON   THE 
COUKaK  AGAIN." 

It  is  almost  too  sublime  a  height  for  us  to  hope  to  reach,  to  sympa- 
thise with  the  sorrow  of  a  man— that  man,  too,  a  partner  of  TITHER- 
INGTON  ;  day-book  of  his  day-book  aud  ledger  of  his  ledger,— who  has 
won  £':'0,0  0  by  a  sinful  horse-race!  But  there  is  consolation  to  the 
sullYrer,  even  in  the  very  depths  of  his  gi ief— consolation  arising  to 
him  from  the  sweet  resolve  "never  to  be  seen  on  the  course  again." 
This  reminds  us  of  the  pathetic,  the  lovely  line  in  the  ballad  of  Will 
Watch,  tiif  Bold  Smuggler : — 

"  When  his  pockets  were  lined,  why  hi«  life  should  be  mended." 

And  the  repentant  CILL,  wiih  £°)0,000  at  his  banker's,  turf-profits, 
may  cease  to  "  make  a  book."     But  we  are  certain  that,  MR.  GILL  will 


not  feel  himself  comforted  as  a  Christian  with  so  much  money,  won 
from  the  wicked  turf  —  the  turf  that  is  only  a  verdant 
bottomless  pit.  —  and  therefoie,  we  are  inwardly  convinced.  In:  is  at  this 
moment,  ca-jiu^   about   him   for  the   best  mean 

ast  be  to  him  no  less  than  thirty-thousand 

tons  of  Iminin:.'  coals.     Yes,  at  this  moment,  the  remorseful  mind  of 
(ill.t.   bethinks   itself    of    Chester    Hospitals;    o!  -ehools;    of 

'lories;  anil  if  he  pan  IL-  fiom  his 

soul  that  -Lcht,  it  i-,  onlj  t!i  i!  h  •  canni  t  at  a  moment  make 

his  election  of  the  object.     Let  us,  then,  give  the  man  of  sorrow  a 
little  time  to  consider  anil  choose. 

The  naughty  Loun  BYRON  had  a  skull  mounted  as  a  driiiking-cup. 
A  much   moie   temliie   vessel   must    be   the   Chester  Cup  to 
the  remorseful   man  who  has   won  it,;  tilled,  \vc  may  say,  wilh  30,000 


, 

igns  !      \Vhat  a    sea   of  £uilt   i.s   there!      \Vhal.   a 
' 


for  a 


. 

SATAN'S   ^abhalli   to  hi:   tasted   bv  the  whole   eouit   •  HUB  ! 

It    is   not.   (liven   to   the   human  heart,  especially  wh  -d    by 

remorse,  softened    by  sorrow,  to  make  a  ho;,  ,[<  of   thai    Cup. 

'Hie  repentant  sinner  cannot  continue  to  i  sideboard, 

the  vessel  to  his  imaginative  eye  so   "bubbles   and   boils   with  the 
e  froth  "  that  risee  f'-om  the  source  of  all  cant  and  all  hypocrisy. 
We,  shall  give  the  earliest  notice  of  the  manner  in  which  MK.  GILL 
bestows  tlh  ig£30,000.     In  token  of  the  worthy  gentle- 

man's grief  upon  his   winnings,  it,   i.s  understood  that    his  commercial 
house  will  in  future  be  known  as  "  TlTHBEDIGTON,  GILL, 

AND  CO." 


ORDNANCE  ESTIMATES. 

MR.  PUNCH  hereby  gives  notice  that,  as  soon  as  ever  he  is  honoured 
with  a  seat,  in  Parliament,  he  intends  to  move  for  an  amendment  of  the 
Ordnance  Estimates,  which  with  annual  incompleteness,  are  furnished 
by  the  Government.  Instead  of  their  embracing  only  the  require- 
ments of  the  Naval  and  the  Military  service.  Air.  Punch  would  suggest 
their  extension  to  the  Clerical.  Mr.  Punch  cannot  see  why  the  great 
guns  of  the  Church  should  not  as  well  be  included  in  the  list,  and  the 
public  be  made  accurately  acquainted  with  the  cost  of  keeping  them 
in  working  order.  Without  being  thought  too  inquiring  an  economist, 
Mr.  Punch  would  like  to  see  an  estimate  as  to  what  the  nation  now 
expend*  upon  such  ordnance — from  its  minor  canons  up  to  its  six- 
thousand  pounders  ;  and  Mr.  Punch  would  like  lo  know  why,  when  a 
great  gun  has  become  unfit  for  service,  it  should  not  forthwith  be 
discharged  without  the  nation  having  quite  so  heavily  to  pay  the 
shot. 

Unnatural  Subjects. 

IT  is  with  indescribable  pain  that  we  call  the  attention  of  our  loyal 
TS  to  the  fact  that  certain  persons,  assumed  to  wear  the  human 
form, belonging  to  the  Financial  Keform  Association  of  Liverpool,  have 
addressetl  the  QUEBN  and  F.  .M.  PRINCE  Ai.ur.HT  on  the  subject  of  the 
PIUNCESS  KOVAI.'S  dowry.  These  petitioners  absolutely  ask  of  the 
Royal  paren's  to  provide  for  their  own  child  !  But  these  petitioners 
cannot  be  men.  No;  they  must  be  pelicans. 


226 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  6,  1857. 


RETURNING    FROM    THE    DERBY    IN    BLINK    BONNY'S    YEAR. 

"  AT  LENGTH    HE    PRESENTED    HlMSELF,   BUT  IN   SUCH  A   STATE    THAT   WE   WERE   OBLIGED   TO   TlE   HIM   ON   ME  BoX,   AKD   I   HAD 

TO  RIDE  HOME." — Extract  from  letter  to  particular  friend. 


PUNCH  EIGHT  AGAIN  FOE  THE  DEEBY  ! ! ! 

HOORAT  !  Hooray  !  !  Hooray  !  !  !  Now,  my  noble  patrons  and  swells,  I  '11  warm 
yer  !  Haven't  I  been  and  done  it  this  time,  eh  ?  Brought  you  through  with  a  wet 
finger  like  a  wetteran  ?  Brought  you  through,  sa,  like  a  fiddle,  as  llR.  DICKENS'S 
nigger  coachman  said  ?  Like  a  fiddle,  indeed  ;  like  a  base  viol  (only  there  's  nothing 
base  about  your  humble),  or  that  big  thing  that  SIONOR  BOTTYSINI  plays  at  the 
Fiddleharmouic  Concerts.  How  do  you  find  yourselves  by  this  time,  my  noble  swells 
and  patrons?  Pretty  tollol  and  bobbish !  Well,  I  should  say  you  were,  and  that  you 
came  to  the  right  sh(  p  for  racing  information.  Didn't  I  always  tell  you  that  ii  you 
were  not  on  the  look  out  for  lodgings  in  Bedlam,  or  the  other  fashionable  retreat  at 
Hanwell,  you  must  keep  clear  of  those  advertising  humbugs,  with  their  hints  and 
their  howls,  and  their  tips  and  their  prophecies,  and  come  to  me.  Well,  you  have 
kept  clear  of  'em  and  their  three  pair  backs,  and  their  dens  in  the  slums,  and  their 
offensive  slang  aud  familiarity  (which  I  hate  and  despise),  and  you  have  come  to  me 
my  bobcufflns ;  me,  the  only  true  and  lawful  prognosticator  and  prophet.  And 
what 's  come  of  it,  my  tulips,  what 's  come  of  it,  I  ask  you,  my  noble-minded  trumps 
and  Trojana  ?  Why,  that  you  've  all  made  your  fortunes  on  this  Derby.  You  know 
it,  and  you  are  all  saying  to  me  "  Here 's  towards  you,  my  boy,"  and  your  boy 
answers  as  affable  as  a  hedgehog,  "  Same  to  you,  and  many  of  'em." 

What  did  I  write  to  you  all  on  Saturday  the  28th  of  March  last  as  ever  was  ?  Take 
down  your  Punch,  and  look  back  to  that  date — the  2Sth  of  March,  weeks  aud  weeks 
ago.  lu  Punch  fur  that  day,  and  no  other  whatsomevyr — left-hand  column  of  left- 
hand  page — you  will  find  these  words  : — 

"  THE  LEAVES  OF  THE  ELDER  SHOULD  NOW  OPEN,  AND  IF  THOSE  Of  THE  YOUNGER 
SHOULD  SHUT,  THEY  MIGHT  HOLD  BETTER  BOOKS  WHEN 

'BLINK      BONNY' 

COMES     ROUND    TATTENHAM     CORNER." 

Nowthon.  Is  there  any  deception  !  Are  the  words  there  or  not!  Of  course  they 
are.  There  was  my  Tip,  for  which  I  only  charged  you  threepence  (country  folks 
fourpence,)  while  the  dirtiest  snob  of  an  advertising  fellow  would  not  send  you  one 
of  liis  tobacco-smelling,  rum-smeared  missives,  made  up  of  humbug  aud  chaff,  and 
giving  you  three  or  four  horses,  for  less  than  five  bob.  For  threepence  you  have 
become  rich  coves.  That  was  my  advice  :  to  take  the  odds  which  you  could  then 
get,  and  wait.  And  where  was  my  Mare  on  Wednesday,  the  27th  of  May  ?  Suave 
Jfari  ttiagno,  and  she  is  a  great  and  a  sweet  mare,  and  no  error. 

Well,  I  congratulate  you,  my  noble  patrons  and  swells.  We've  been  and  done  it, 
as  I  forcibly  remarked.  All  is  serene.  Keep  your  hands  off  your  cheque  books.  I 
don't  want  any  of  your  winnings,  like  the  advertising  scoundrels.  I  've  pocketed  a 
pretty  j'ot  ef  my  own,  which  they  never  do,  for  all  their  wonderful  information,  or 


they  wouldn't  go  sneaking  and  begging  for  presents,  and  whining,  "Please  to 
remember  the  poor  prophet,  your  honour  I  "  They  '11  all  lie,  and  swear  they  sent 
Jiiinh  Jlonny,  and  no  other.  Not  one  of  them  did.  Not  one  of  them  knew  that 
she  'd  been  roped  for  the  "  Guineas,"  and  that  the  spectators  were  as  mad  as 
hatters.  Humbugs  !  Asses  !  Cheats  !  If  I  were  not  a  gentleman,  I  'd  use  strong 
language  about  'em.  But  I  ask  one  thing,  and  that  is  my  ultimatum.  For  your  own 
sakes  never  go  near  any  of  the  swindling  idiots,  but  next  time,  wtieu  yuu  want  the 
hour  of  your  trouble  turned  into  the  hour  of  your  glory, 

REMEMBER     PUNCH     AND     BLINK     BONNY  ! 


ODE  TO  THE  PRINCESS  ROYAL. 

DAUGHTER  OP  ENGLAND,  just  about  to  wedi 
The  Prussian  youngster — blessings  011  your  head  ! 
When  your  Mamma — Time  spins  so  fast  away — 
Was  married,  seems  but  just  the  other  day. 
Perhaps  she  will,  in  quite  as  short  a  space, 
Have  a  granddaughter  in  her  daughter's  case. 

I  say,  so  be  it ! 

May  we  all  live  to  see  it, 

And  to  see  yet  more 

That  we  may  roar, 

And  shout  Hurrah ! 

And  sing,  God  Save  Great  Grandmamma ! 
May  you  enjoy  no  end  of  happy  life, 
Have  a  good  husband  and  prove  a  good  wife ! 


Parliamentary  Wonder. 

DURING  beautiful  weather,  such  as  we  have  lately  had.  a  question 
continually  occurring  to  most  minds  is,  how  long  is  this  likely  to  last  ? 
Just  so  in  reading  the  Parliamentary  debates  which  have  hitherto, 
since  the  opening  of  the  new  Parliament,  been  mostly  of  so  pleasant  a 
length,  one  feels  impelled  to  ask,  how  long  will  the  speeches  in  the 
House  of  Commons  continue  thus  agreeably  short  ?  The  longer  they 
remain  short  the  better ;  in  the  meanwhile  their  brevity  may  be  con- 
sidered as  a  hopeful  symptom  of  considerate  and  merciful  feeling  on 
the  part  of  the  legislature,  likely  to  cause  benevolent  legislation. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JUKE  6,  1857. 


HOW   THEY   SETTLED   NEUFCHATEL. 


JUNE  6,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


229 


THE    DELIGHTS    OF    SPRING. 

A  SONG  BY   A   VEGETARIAN. 

SPRING'S  delights  are  now  returning, 
See  where  sprouts  'lie  crisp  seakale; 

Early  greens  and  cauliflowers 
Now  command  a  ready  sale. 

Vegetarians  now  rejoicing 

.'V|  •   -iin  may  dress; 

And  fewer  d»ul)is  of  wliat's  for  dinner 

Meed  their  anxious  minds  distress. 

They  who  fondly  dote  on  pudding 
With  joy  the  new-born  rhubarb  see, 

And  greater  rapture  hails  the  budding 
Of  the  prickly  gooseberrie. 

Now  returns  the  green  encumber, 
That  with  nightmare  doth  distress- 

While  for  those  in  peace  who  'd  slumber 
Springs  anew  the  simple  cress. 

Now' in  large  yet  penny  bunches 

Ka'lishes  again  are  seen: 
And  the  lettuce  tempts  to  lunches 

At  the  shops  of  grocers  green. 

Let  other  bards  in  rhyme  discover 
Joys  that  other  seasons  bring; 

I,  a  vegetable  lover, 
Tell  the  pleasures  of  the  Spring. 


THE   SOCIAL   TREAD-MILL.     No.  6. 

"  ARRIVE  as  late  as  you  will  at  the  KOTOOS,  you  always  have  to  wait  a 
good  while  before  dinner  is  announced.  With  parties  composed  as  theirs 
invariably  are,  under  a  profoundly  mistaken  sense  of  social  duty — either 
on  the  give-and-take,  or  '  mutual '  principle,  as  it  is  called  in  advertise- 
ments of  third-rate  schools,  or  on  the  simple  snobbish  principle  of  wealth- 
worship  or  title-worship,  or  on  the  lion-hunting  principle,  to  which,  as  a 
literary  gent,I  owe  most  of  my  invitations  to  dinner,  or  on  all  these  three 
principles  t  op;el  her — you  may  imagine  the  half-hour  in  the  drawing-room 
is  not  particularly  genial.  How  can  such  parties  be  good  for  mixing? 
A  very  energetic  and  courageous  guest — this  time  it  was  the  popular 
author — may,  by  a  galvanic  cff  irt  produce  a  short  fit  of  general  con- 
versation, as  you  may  mix  oil  and  vinegar  by  a  violent  sudden  shaking 
of  the  cruet.  But  just  as  these  soon  resettle  into  their  separate  strata, 
so  do  we,  returning  each  to  his  own  unsocial  muttons.  This  weary 
delay  is  due  to  the  suburban  GUNTER  who  supplies  the  dinner.  If  you 
arrived  late,  you  saw  his  light  covered  cart  at  the  door.  Five  minutes 
earlier  you  would  have  seen  the  flat  green  boxes  disappearing  down  the 
area-steps. 

"  I  wonder  it  never  occurs  to  the  KOTOOS  that  nine  out  of  ten  of 
their  guests  have  probably  detected  the  cart  and  green  boxes  in 
question— that,  be  their  entertainment  never  so  gorgeous,  MB.  GALAN- 
TINB— who  supplies  breakfasts,  dinners,  and  suppers,  flowers  and  rout- 
seats  included,  at  so  much  per  head,  for  two  miles  round— and  not 


they,  will  get  the  credit  of  it.  We  are  all  quite  aware  they  do  not 
keep  a  man-cook,  and  have  not  a  range  of  stores  and  a  balterie  de 
cuitine  capable  of  turning  out  four  entreei,  to  say  nothing  of  the  two 
soups/and  two  fishes,  ana  the  rest  of  the  dinner.  It  is  no  secret  to 
any  of  us  that  to-morrow  our  host  and  hostess  will  be  dining  con- 
tentedly off  a  leg  of  mutton  not  over-well  roasted.  For  their  real  cook 
is  of  the  plainest  description.  Of  course,  if  one  falls  back  on  a  GALAN- 
TINE, whenever  one  gives  a  dinner,  it  is  of  no  consequence — to  people 
of  the  KOTOO  order — what  sort  of  an  artist  one  has  at  home.  Her 
incapacity  only  affects  the  t  hrec  hundred  dinners  we  eat  by  ourselves 
in  the  course  of  the  year.  For  the  ten  days  per  annum  on  which  we 
give  dinners  our  cook  is  the  great  GALANTINK,  who  has  seen  the  break- 
down of  two  clubs,  and  survived  the  smash  of  six  loi  illy  establishments, 
to  which  his  grand  style  of  carrying  on  his  part  of  the  war  in  the 
kitchen  not  a  little  contributed.  He  despises  his  present  calling,  and 
looks  on  himself  as  a  sort  of  culinary  NAPOLEON.  This  suburb  is  his 
Elba.  He  amuses  himself  bv  planning  these  bonryeoii  dinners,  as 
the  Emperor  did  by  drilling  his  one  battalion  in  the  rocky  Mediter- 
ranean islet.  But  his  heart  is  not  in  his  work;  and,  to  tell  the  truth, 
the  dinners  he  sends  out  are  unworthy  of  him — very  grand  to  look  at, 
and  very  costly  to  pay  for,  but  very  bad  to  eat.  GALANTINE  also  has 
stooped  to  the  vile  worship  of  appearances,  which  poisons  the  neigh- 
bourhood. He  knows  he  is  part  of  a  system  of  shows  and  shams,  and 
hcs  become  false  even  to  his  own  noble  art— going  for  verdicts  to  the 
eye  and  the  pocket,  but  allowing  judgment  to  be  entered  against  him 
by  the  palate  and  fauces,  his  true  judges. 

"Hark!  GALANTINE'S  cart  has  driven  off  at  last.  If  you  had  not 
heard  it,  you  might  have  guessed  the  moment  by  the  lighting  of  MRS. 
KOTOO'S  eye.  She  was  anxiously  listening  for  the  sound  of  the  wheels, 
for  the  weight  of  the  flagging  conversation  is  rapidly  growing  too  great 
for  anybody  to  bear  up  under.  Even  KOTOO,  dreary  and  ungenial  and 
hollow  as  lie  is,  feels  flatter  than  usual,  and  pumps  up  his  pompous 
nothings  with  visible  effort.  The  Reviewer  is  using  up  all  the  stock 
of  anecdotes  he  had  laid  in  to  last  out  the  whole  dinner,  and  the  rival 
Mammas  have  emptied  their  quivers  of  sharp  things.  FLAUNTER  has 
subsided  into  the  moody  contemplation  of  his  own  difficulties,  and 
even  bloated  PENNTJBOI  has  collapsed.  Pairing  the  males  and  females 
of  the  party  was  a  resource  that  diverted  us  all  for  a  little  from 
brooding  on  our  melancholy  position.  But  when  every  man  had  been 
duly  led  up  to  the  lady  consigned  to  him  by  MBS.  KOTOO,  'to  take 
down  to  dinner,'  and  had  made  his  bow,  and  had  felt  he  had  nothing  to 
say— as  how  should  he,  to  a  person  he  never  met  before,  and  knows  no 
earthly  thing  about  ?— the  dreariness  was  probably  even  more  apparent 
than  it  had  seemed  while  we  were  standing  about  indiscriminately. 

"  The  males  of  the  patty  had  gathered  into  knots,  as  far  off  the 
females  as  possible,  and  had  found  topics  more  or  less  mutually  intelli- 
gible if  not  interesting.  There  are  always  politics  to  talk  about— and 
most  men  feel  some  interest  in  the  money-mnrket,  and  about  the 
Derby  Day  you  arc  tolerably  safe  with  a  little  mild  Turf  intelligence. 

"  But  now  that  we  were  distributed  two  and  two.  like  the  creatures 
coupled  for  the  Ark, — most  of  us,  I  may  add,  as  dumb  as  they, — the 
situation  was  rapidly  becoming  untenable,  when  GALANTINE'S  head 
man,  who  acts  groom  of  the  chambers  with  GALANTINE'S  dinners, 
throwing  open  the  drawing-room  door  with  a  magnificence  of  manner 
which  made  the  KOTOOS  blush  and  feel  humble  at  the  very  gorgeous- 
ness  of  their  own  imposture,  announced  that  dinner  was  served. 

"But  before  we  sit  down  to  our  prandial  punishment,  let  me  say 
one  word  on  the  subject  of  this  ante-prandial  pairing.  Of  course, 
while  dinner-parties  continue  to  be  composed  as  they  so  often  are  now- 
a-days,  on  the  KOTOO  principle — that  is  on  considerations  quite  inde- 
pendent of  the  pleasure  likely  to  be  given  or  received — it  is  very  little 
matter  how  any  man  or  woman,  out  of  a  dozen  men  and  women  who 
don't  know  anything  or  care  anything  about  each  other,  may  be  coupled. 
Where  boredom  is  the  sure  late  of  all,  what  consequence  a  degree 
more  or  less  of  the  infliction  ? 

_"But  let  me  ask  the  small— though  I  hope  increasing— phalanx 
of  honest  and  genial  souls  who  are  content  to  invite  people  to  dinner 
because  they  love  them,  or  at  least  like  them  so  well  that  they 
are  happier  for  seeing  them,  whether  this  habit  of  ticking  off  their 
guests  two  and  two,  is  ever  desirable?  I  am  inclined  to  think 
it  is  not.  It  seems  to  be  giving  the  two  a  peculiar  claim  upon  each 
other.  Social  monopolies  are  as  bad  as  tiading  ones.  Everybody 
in  a  party  should  belong  to  everybody  else  in  the  party.  Talk  round  a 
dinner-table  should  be  common,  and  not  confidential.  If  you  want 
confidences  choose  tete-a-tetet  for  them.  If  there  is  wit  or  wisdom 
going,  all  should  share  it.  If  folly  or  imbecility  or  ill-nature  want 
vent,  at  least  don't  let  them  shelter  themselves  under  a  whisper;  I 
should  say.  therefore,  for  my  own  part— no  coupling  before  dinner. 
Let  the  lady  of  the  house  show  the  way,  and  let  the  guests  follow  her 
in  a  pleasant,  unceremonious  group  on  the  understanding,  of  course, 
that  the  sexes  are  to  be  dove-tailed  at  table.  But  above  all,  let  the 
table  be  a  round  one.  Without  this  there  is  no  true  sociability 
possible.  The  best  that  can  come  of  an  oblong  table  is  a  series  of 
agreeable  tele-a-lete*.  But  then  if  the  pleasantest  couples  are  put 
together,  how  unfair  that  is  to  the  rest  of  the  party.  And  if  the 


230 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  6,  1857. 


pleasantest  people  are  not  coupled  together  how  unfair  that  is  to 
!he  pleasant  people.  Your  round  table  is  the  only  true  social  alms- 
dish,  into  which  every  one  present  flings  his  contribution  towards  the 
pleasure  of  the  feast— from  the  ten  talents  of  the  SIDNEY  SMITH  of 
your  party,  if  you  are  lucky  enough  to  have  one,  down  to  the  widow  s 
mite  of  the  timidest  and  gentlest  lady  present— a  little  laugh,  perhaps, 
or  happy  Io9k,  thrown  in  at  the  right  moment,  and  of  immeasurable 
value  sometimes.  .  „  ,, 

"  As  all  the  rays  of  light  converge  m  the  focus  of  a  lens,  so  all  the 
fun  geniality,  kindliness,  and  wisdom  of  your  guests  will  converge  in 
the  centre  of  the  round-table,  and  pleasure  and  enjoyment  and  intelli- 
gence will  radiate  thence  till  they  permeate  the  party,  and  people  will 
F>e  astonished  to  find  how  agreeable  and  cheery  and  chatty  and  good- 
humoured  they  are,  somehow.  My  two  theories,  then,  of  no  pairing 
and  '  the  round  table '  go  together.  But  I  must  say  I  hold  them  botli 
of  vital  importance  to  the  true  enjoyment  of  a  social  dinner. 

"  But  what  is  this?  I  am  off  the  Social  Tread-mill.  Ihc  fact  is, 
that  a  sufferer  naturally  wanders  into  sunny  social  speculations  in  the 
ten  minutes  allowed  for  refreshment,  just  as  the  gaol  convicts,  I  have 
no  doubt,  stray  away  in  fancy  to  pleasant  public-houses,  9r  delightfully 
criminal  beer-shops,  in  their  hourly  ten  minutes  respite  Irom  their 
cranks  and  mills.  But  I  must  mount  the  wheel  a»ain,  with  the  KOTOO 
chain-gang.  We  are  just  sitting  down— at  such  a  gorgeous  table . 
It  is  bedizened  with  flowers- a  la  Riuse—snA  so  long,  that  conversation 
between  the  ends  can  only  be  carried  on,  I  should  think,  by  help  of  a 
speaking-trumpet.  Luckily  KOTOO  and  his  wife  have  the  marital 
telegraph  of  the  eye.  It  will  be  hard  worked  during  this  dinner,  ^1  am 
certain.  We  have  sat  down— solemnly.  Pray  for  us,  oh  reader ! 


COMICALITIES    OF    THE    POPE'S    PEOGKESS. 

HE  POPE'S  tour  through- 
out the  Roman  states  lias, 
of  course,  been  attended 
with  some  absurd  incidents. 
F'or  example : — 

"  At  Terni  he  visited  the  large 
foundry  of  that  place,  wh(;ru 
several  medals  with  the  effipics 
of  the  Saviour,  the  Virgin,  and 
the  Apostles  PETER  and  PAUL, 
were  cast  in  his  presence." 

What  extremely  bad 
taste  !  Out  for  a  holiday, 
the  POPE  must  have  been 
naturally  desirous  of  seeing 
and  hearing  as  little  as  pos- 
sible of  the  shop,  and  no- 
body possessed  of  the  least 
delicacy  would  have  both- 
ered his  Holiness  with 
images.  Good  manners 
would  forbid  the  slightest 
allusion  to  that  subject  in  the  presence  of  the  Roman  Pontiff,  precisely 
as  they  would  prohibit  any  gentleman  from  talking  to  a  shoemaker, 
away  from  business,  about  bristles  and  cobbler's-wax.  To  proceed  :— 

"  When  about  to  leave  that  place,  some  young  men  of  the  best  families  offered  to 
take  the  horses  off  his  carriage,  and  to  draw  it,  but  this  he  would  not  allow." 

Here  was  a  case  of  good  taste  on  the  part  of  the  POPE,  which  it  is 
pleasing  to  notice.  He  preferred  horses  to  donkeys.  At  Spoleto  a 
mistake,  similar  to  that  committed  at  Terni,  was  made  by  the  autho- 
rities, who  stuck  up,  right  in  his  way,  before  the  cathedral,  "  a  large 
wooden  column  surmounted  by  the  statue  of  the  Immaculate  Virgin." 
No  doubt  the  POPE  wonders  when  he  shall  hear  the  last  of  his  new 
dogma.  The  muffs  who  paid  him  the  left-handed  compliment  last 
mentioned  received  a  just  reward  for  their  polite  attention : — 

"  On  alighting,  he  proceeded  on  foot  to  the  Cathedral,  and  thence  to  the  Episcopal 
Palace,  where  he  admitted  all  the  authorities  to  the  honour  of  kissing  his  slipper." 

The  Giornale  di  Roma,  whence  we  derive  the  foregoing  particulars, 
does  not  state  whether  or  no,  when  the  POPE  gave  the  authorities  of 
Spoleto  his  slipper  to  kiss,  his  foot  was  in  the  slipper.  We  suppose, 
however,  that  to  make  the  favour  the  more  gracious,  and  the  more 
suitable,  as  a  repayment  somewhat  in  kind  of  the  civility  which  he  had 
received  from  them— his  Holiness  did  put  his  foot  in  it. 


Tire  Insurance. 

MADAME  CORNICIION  {nee  SIMPLE),  after  reading  the  accounts  of 
the  lire-proof  dresses  as  lately  tried  with  so  much  success  by  the 
Pompiers  at  Paris,  ordered  a  £own,  bonnet,  veil,  and  an  entire  set  of 
under-linen  to  be  expressly  made  for  her,  and,  upon  being  pressed  for 
her  reason  for  so  strange  an  order,  said,  with  the  greatest  naivete, 
"  Why  the  world,  you  know,  is  to  be  consumed  by  the  Comet  on  the 
13th  of  June,  and  I've  no  idea  of  being  burnt  to  death." 


STANZAS  TO  SOAPEY  SAM. 

TELL  me,  Bishop,  tell  me  why, 

If  you  had  your  little  will, 
You  'd  keep  bound,  in  cruel  tie, 

Injured  spouse  and  false  wife  still  ? 

Why  oppose  LORD  CHAN  WORTH'S  Bill? 

From  a  loathed  and  guilty  mate, 

Why  refuse  a  man  divorce, 
Ruthless  of  his  horrid  state, 

Which  your  priestly  laws  enforce ; 

Union  with  a  moral  corse  ? 

Do  you  fear  that  common  sense 
'Gainst  your  dogmas  will  rebel, 

And  if  you,  of  high  pretence, 
Give  an  inch,  will  take  an  ell  ? 
Ah !  1  don't  expect  you'll  tell. 

In  a  bad  old  canon  law, 

Do  you  see  a  little  prop 
To  your  fabric — which  withdraw, 

And  the  edifice  will  drop  ? 

Are  you  fighting  for  the  Shop. 

Were 't  now  first  proposed  to  free 

Until  now  enslaved  Dissent, 
Would  you  not,  my  Bishop,  be 

With  the  measure  "non  content?  " 

Say,  my  Peer  of  Parliament. 

Had  you  lived  in  other  days, 
Question  being,  That  no  more 

Faggots  should  in  Smithfield  blaze, 
You  'd  have  urged,  of  holy  lore, 
For  the  bonfires,  what  a  store ! 


THE  UMBRELLOMETER. 

WE  think  the  umbrella  can  be  taken  as  a  very  good  test  of  a  person's 
character.  The  man  who  always  takes  an  umbrella  out  with  him,  is 
a  cautious  fellow,  who  abstains 'from  all  speculation,  and  is  prettvsure 
to  die  rich.  The  man  who  is  always  leaving  his  umbrella  behind  him, 
is  one,  generally,  who  makes  no  provision  for  the  morrow.  He  is 
reckless,  thoughtless,  always  late  for  the  train,  leaves  the  street-door 
open  when  he  goes  home  late  at  night,  and  absent  to  such  a  degree  as 
to  speak  iU  of  a  baby  in  the  presence  of  its  Mamma.  The  man  who  is 
always  losing  his  umbrella  is  an  unlucky  dog,  whose  bills  are  always 
protested,  whose  boots  split,  whose  gloves  crack,  whose  buttons  are 
always  coming  off,  whose  "  change  "  is  sure  to  have  some  bad  money 
in  it.  Be  cautious  how  you  lend  a  thousand  pounds  to  such  a  man ! 
The  man,  who  is  perpetually  expressing  a  nervous  anxiety  about 
his  umbrella,  and  wondering  if  it  is  safe,  is  full  of  meanness  and  low 
suspicions,  with  whom  it  is  best  not  to  play  at  cards,  nor  drink  a  bottle 
of  wine.  He  is  sure  to  suspect  you  are  cheating  him,  or  that  you 
arc  drinking  more  than  your  share.  Let  him  be  ever  so  rich,  give  not 
your  daughter  to  him ;  he  will  undoubtedly  take  more  care  of 
his  umbrella  than  of  his  wife.  The  man  with  a  cotton  umbrella  is 
either  a  philosopher  or  an  economist ;  he  defies  the  world  aud  all  its 
fashionable  prejudices,  or  else  he  does  it  because  it  is  cheaper  to  lose 
than  a  silk  one.  The  man  who  goes  to  the  Horticultural  Fete  without 
an  umbrella,  is  simply  a  fool,  who  richly  deserves  the  ducking 
he  gets. 

A  WARRIOR  IN  ARMS. 

MENTION  is  made  in  Tristram  Shandy  of  an  infant  so  precocious, 
that  it  composed  a  work  the  very  day  that  it  was  born.  The  last  addition 
to  the  domestic  happiness  of  the  EMPEROR  OF  RUSSIA  appears  to  be 
some  such  another  little  prodigy ;  for  among  continental  intelligence 
we  find  it  recorded  that — 

"  A  letter  from  St.  Petersburg,  of  the  15th,  states  that  the  new-born  Grand  Duke 
has  been  named  Chief  of  the  2nd  Battalion  of  RiBemen  of  Infantry  of  Tobolsk." 

What  a  big  baby  must  we  suppose  the  new-born  Grand  Duke  to  be, 
or  what  little  soldiers  must  we  imagine  the  Tobolsk  Riflemen !  On 
the  latter  supposition,  it  will  perhaps  be  surmised  that  the  head 
quarters  of  that  Infantry  Regiment  are  situated  up-stairs. 


YOUNG    SPKAWLER'S   notion  of  Cafe  an  lait  is— breakfasting  in 
bed. 


JCSE  G,  1857-] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


231 


MEDICINE    UNDER    THE    MAINE    LAW. 

DMIRABLE     Pl'SCH.  —  "  WlIAT 

wine  will  >  Iocs  or 

1   do    not    put    this 
i    personally, 

as  thoush  I  were  sitting  next 
t    a  sanatorium 
;   but  there  are  cases 
in   which    it    might    : 
properly  asked  •.  in  sh 
wine    is    used    in   medicine. 
Nor    are    iron    wine,    aloes 
wine,   and    other    medicated 
-   the  only  wines  used. 
Physicians     frequently    pre- 
scribe "  I'in :  Alb:  Jlispa*:" 
and    "tin:    Hub:"    abbre- 
viations    of    J'linm    Album 
Hispanicitm       and 
Rubrum ;   in  the  vernacular, 
Port  und  Sherry.     Medicine, 
you  will  perhaps  think,  sup- 
poses that  their 
Spanish    wine    but     Sherry, 
that  all  Sherry  is  white,  and 
that  there  is  no  red  wine  in 
the  world  except   Port.    The 
Port  generally  dispensed  is, 
indeed,  a    red  wiue,  but    a 
much  better  name  for  it  than 

Fi*tim  Bvbntm  would  he  }~iit*u  llirmatoaylo-Campechianicitm,  or  Fliutm 
Pmiti  SpinosrF  Composition.  Your  non-professional  readers  may— some 
of  tli  '  to  he  informed  that  ]I,riiatoTflon  Campechianutt  is 

what  1,  ami  that  Primus  Spinota  is  the  denomi- 

nation wh  The  Compound  Spirit  of  Juniper 

is  admiuis- 

;.ud  PERK:  .  and  other 

forms  of]!  ;'il  under  the  name  of  Cfretwia  Londi- 

ntnsii — Dubliu  and  Guiimess  being  illiberally  ignored  by  the  London 
Faculty. 

"Question!  do  you  cry,  Sir?    Well,  the  question  is  this — "Whether, 
if  wine,  beer,  a \  ire  physic,  the  Legislature  would  do  wisely 

to  allow  t :  persuade  it  to  prohibit  their  sale  by  a 

nor  l.aw  ?  Whether  the  utmost  length  they  could  go  with 
Mi;.  l)o\v  would  not  be  to  place  the  sale  of  exhilarating  liquors  under 
the  same  condition*  with  that  of  physic?  That  arrangement  would 
render  those  liquors  procurable  only  at  druggists'  shops.  But  then 
arises  the  further  question,  who  is  to  prescribe  them?  \\  hen  a  patient 
•tacked  by  symptoms  which  indicate  the  exhibition  of  a  glass  of 
wine,  he  inay  no!  :U\va\  s  be  able  to  find  a  medical  man  to  write  him  a 
prescription  for  the  reimv  e,  for  instance,  he  is  dining  at  a 

chop-house   when   seized  with   those   symptoms?     This  supposition 
would  be  so  frequently  realised,  that  it  would  be  necessary  to  have  a 
medical  waiter  in  attendance,   if  wine,  ale,   stout,  brandy,  win- 
rum,   ainl  to    be  obtainable   only  by   the  prescription  of 

,1  >iu  would  require  the  establishment 

of  a  druggie'.-  shop  next  door,  where  negus  might  be  'put  up,"  and 
punch  compounded,  according  to  the  recipe  of  the  medical  waiter.  It 
would  also  be  his  husines-  ite  the  dose;  but  in  practice — in 

of  this  kind — the  dose  would,  no  doubt,  be  adapted 
rather  to  the  JrMre  than  to  the  constitution  of  the  invalid.  The 
dose  won,  ".iiiued  with  reference,  simply,  to  the  medical 

• 

it  would  be  very  absurd  to  subject  the  trade 

in  stimulating  liquoi-  r  restrictions  than  those  which  affect 

the  trade  in  depressing  medicines.     A  drachm  too  much  of  Epsom 
tnig!  a  drop  too  much  of  Alton  ale,  and  with  more 

lami  und  black  dose,  in  excess,  would  be  at  least 

as  pernicious  as  black  strap.  Alcoholic  drink  would  have  to  be  placed 
on  the  same  I  .miily  medicine:  therein  the  law  would  be 

obliged  t  .the  publican's 

busi-  'lalgamnted  with  that  of  the  chemist  and  druggist, 

the  pham  Aliment   would  expand  into  the  gin-]' 

and  'Medical  Hall'  would  flourish  under  the  auspices  of  the  'Jolly 

ie  would  have  to  be  added  to  the 

appliances  of  the'Surgen  to  the  handsome  residence  and 

appertaining  to  ;he  immense  practice  of  your  humble  servant, 
"  Hausttts  House,  /««,-,  KV."  |  MU  -." 


EXETER   HALL    IN    PABLIAMSNT. 

LORD  D  the  Lords,  inquired  whether  Bishops,  and 

othe;  tied   Church   can   lawfully  preach  in 

Hall,  or  in  any  i;ther  place  not  duly  co 

•  made  answer,  and  said  that  under  i 

.•  alike  consecrated  tu  the  uses  of 
the   i  h. 

.erymuch  delighted  with  the 

or  CANTERBURY  thought  it  would  not  be  wise  to 

:ld  not  imagine 
nld  be  cast  upon  the 

/•M 1^1  ...i.-.  i  i      _  t  _     _I_A:  L_  _if 


"that  >t' accommodating  itself 


- 

-.  "/ 

and  there,  imd  with  blatant    trumpet   calls  in  the  stragglers.    The 

ps,  a  little   .startled  by  the  very  vulgar  noise,  mildly  inquire, 

this  pother  about?"    And  they  are  straightway  tola 

that  the  noise  is  made  by  an  unestablished  proplu  t,  who  has  had  no 

hand  laid  upon  him  ;  that,  such  is  the  volume  of  his  trumpet  it  reaches 

throu;-h  all  sorts  of  wiudii!  into  courts,  and  up  alleys, — and, 

than  that,  even  into  the  boudoirs  of  d 

And  the  Bishops,  almost  with  one  accord,  say,  "  Dear  brethren,  this 

will  never  do.     To   meet    the   changing   necessities   of  the  age,  the 

;rch  must  become  a  Church  Itinerant.     Hence,  for  a 

itime,  Exeter  Hall  mavbe  even  as  St.  Paul's,  and  Canterbury  Hall  even 

as  Canterbury  Cathedral.     Henceforth  the  pujtcher  shall  make  the 

building,  and  not  the  building  the  preacher ! 

It  is  said  that,  a  few  days  since,  the  BISHOP  OP  EXETER  was  seen  in 
the  Zoological  Gardens,  in  drc'p  conference  with  MR.  SECRETARY 
MITCHELL.  The  Bishop  was  heard  to  say,  "he  thought  the  pulpit 
ought  not  to.be  pitched  too  near  the  hippopotamus." 


LIBERALITY  or  THE  AC.E.— Strtet  Merchant  (irilh  a  tray  of  tootli- 
picti  before  him}.  "Here  you  are !  Three  a  penny!  Toothpicks!  Three 
a  penny  !  Pick  and  try  'em,  before  you  buy  'em !  " 


THE   DUE   OF  PROCTORS  AND  DOCTORS. 

IT  is  very  hard  to  have  the  business  by  which  one  subsists  destroyed. 
If  the  legislature  abolishes  anybody's  trade,  and  does  not  indemnify 
him.  his  is  a  cruel  case.  If  the  trade  is  rather  a  curse  to  the  com- 
munity, still,  so  long  as  it  is  legal  and  not  contraband,  there  seems  to 
be  son  e  injustice  in  ousting  him  from  it  without  making  him  certain 
amends.  Therefore,  the  feeling  mind  will  recognise  a  glimmering  of 
reason  in  a  question  propounded  to  the  LORD  CHANCELLOR  by  the 
KARL  <>y  M  ALMESBURY,  on  presenting  a  petition  from  the  proctors  of 
Doctors'  Commons  against  the  Probate  and  Administration  Bill — a 
petition  signed  by  S7  out  of  104  proctors,  setting  forth  that  the  Bill, 
if  passed,  would  cut  down  their  gains  from  £90,000  to  £15,000  a  year. 
Supposing — out  of  abundant  charity — that  there  was  no  humbug  in  this 
representation,  we  say  that  LORD  MALMESBURY  did  not  ask  an  alto- 
gether foolish  question,  when,  according  to  Parliamentary  Intelligence, — 

"Ho  wished  to  ask  th«  noble  and  Isarned  Lord  on  the  woolsack,  whether  he  did 
not  think  it  proper  to  pive  some  compensation  to  the  proctors  and  their  articled 
clerks,  who  had  paid  £SOO,  or  £1000  each  upon  being  articled!" 

No  doubt,  so  long  as  the  Testamentary  Law  remains  in  its  present 
abominable  state,  proctors  are  necessary  evils,  and  to  annul  the 
proctor's  vocation  without  compensating  the  proctor,  would  not  be 
giving  the  devil  his  due.  But  if  the  devil  is  to  have  his  due,  in  the 
sense  of  compensation  for  the  reform  which  enables  society  to  dispense 
with  him  ;  much  rather  ought  the  ministering  angel  to  be  duly  indem- 
nified for  any  loss  which  he  may  suffer  through  the  removal  of  the  need 
for  his  ministration.  When,  therefore,  a  knacker's  establishment  is 
suppressed,  slaughter-houses  are  banished,  pig-styes  removed,  cesspools 
filled  up,  open  drains  bricked  over,  or  any  other  nuisances  abated  in  any 
local  it  y,  according  to  statute  in  such  cases  made  and  provided,  a  sum 
equivalent  to  the  diminution  of  practice  which  may  pe  expected  to 
result  from  such  sanatory  operations  ought  to  be  distributed  amongst 
all  the  neighbouring  medical  men. 


MAKING  LIGHT  OF  BUSINESS. 

LOYALTY  never  burns  so  brightly  as  when  it  burns  in  gas.  The 
official  birth-day  of  our  beloved  QVEES  is,  we  think,  on  the  26th  of 
May ;  on  which  occasion,  the  commercial  and  trading  bosom  generally 
labours  with  some  new  device  that  may  beautifully  combine  the  affec- 
tion of  a  subject  with  the  mainchance  of  a  shopkeeper !  "  God  Bless 
d  the  PRisrv. !"  is  shown  in  a  burning  row  along  a 
quarter  of  an  acre  of  tailor's  frontage.  But  what  is  in  the  shadow  ? 
The  brilliant  benison  is  the  red  cabbage;  but  "  the  Paradise  Paletot, 
price  next  to  nothing,"  is  the  tailor  under  it. 

"Long  to  reign  over  us  !  "  illuminates  another  shopkeeper;  and  we 
read  by  that  light—"  Alpaca  Umbrellas,  at  3*.  Id." 


[JUNE  G,  1857. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


^       \  j      -^>X.- 

-Tf     v  A  i/,.^o<- 


ASTOUNDING    ANNOUNCEMENT    FROM    THE    SMALL    COUNTRY    BUTCHERJ 

(WHO   DOES   NOT   OFTEN   KILL   HIS   OWN   MEAT). 
Maid.  "  PLEASE,  MA'AH,  MR.  SKEWER  SAYS  HE  's  A-GOING  10  KILL  HJS&ELF  THIS  WEEK,  AND  WILL  YOU  HAVE  A  JOINT  ? " 


"OUR  ISTHMIAN  GAMES." 

HENCEFORTH  to  talk  of  "the  Derby  Day  "  will  be  vulgar.  In  due 
courtesy  to  Lord  PALMERSTON,  polite  society  will  always  say — "  Isth- 
mian Games."  Neptune  had  his  horses,  and  Britannia  has  hers.  We 
trust,  however,  that  the  games  solemnised  on  the  Isthmus  of  Corinth, 
were  less  costly  than  the  races  on  the  Epsom  sward.  Indeed,  we 
believe  that  we  are  not  premature  in  announcing  the  existence  of  a 
society,  whose  purpose  it  is.  to  abolish  Epsom,  Ascot,  Newmarket, 
Doncaster,  and  so  forth.  Indeed,  all  horse-racing  is  to  be  put  down  in 
deference  to  public  morals.  It  will  be  proved  at  "the  first  meeting  that 
the  horse,  naturally  a  noble  beast,  is  perverted  to  the  basest  purposes : 
that,  under  certain  discipline  well  known  in  "the  stables,"  the  horse  is 
taught  to  pick  pockets ;  and,  in  fact,  as  will  be  proved,  to  suggest 
suicide.  It  is  all  very  well  to  talk  of  the  holiday  that — to  speak  in  an 
old-fashioned  way— the  Derby  Day  gives  to  tens  of  thousands ;  but  the  ' 
chicanery,  the  deceit,  the  swindling,  that  is  carried  on  under  the ' 
equine  excuse,  the  horse  being,  in  fact,  no  more  than  a  stalking-horse 
to  fraud  and  robbery,  is  altogether  destructive  of  public  morals. 
Attempt  to  regulate  horse-racing  according  to  Christian  principles,  and 
the  Derby  Day  must  inevitably  be  a  d'.es  non.  In  fact,  there  is  an 
enthusiastic  party  that  advocates  the  total  extinguishment  of  the  breed 
and  use  of  the  horse  throughout  the  British  Isles.  The  horse  is  made 
the  means  of  making  men  knaves  and  fools,  rogues  and  simpletons ; 
the  horse  has  driven  men  to  self-murder,  and  it  will  be  to  the  benefit  of. 
the  world  that  the  horse  should  become  extinct. 

"W'e  understand  that  this  society  will  be  earnestly  joined  by  the  tee- 
totallers. As  some  men  nre  drunkards,  so  is  it  necessary  that  no  man 
should  be  allowed  to  drink  :  so  is  it  necessary  that  vineyards  should  be  i 
grubbed  up  all  over  the  world,  and  all  over  the  world  planted  with  the 
temperate  potato.  As  men  rob  and  cheat  by  means  of  races,  so  shall 
there  be  an  end  of  all  running  horses  ;  nay,  the  very  breed  of  horses, 
even  as  the  very  growth  of  grapes,  shall  be  prohibited. 

We  think  the  two  societies  worthy  of  one  another,  and  wish  them  all 
the  success  they  mutually  deserve.'. 


THE  WREATH  OF  VETERAN  COLONELS. 

TUB  use  of  much  strong  language  in  senior  military  circles  is  sup- 
posed to  have  been  occasioned  by  the  following  passage  in  the  Times' 
account  of  a  review,  held  on  the  QUEEN'S  birthday,  at  Aldcrshott  :— 

"  Nearly  the  "whole  of  the  troops  now  wear  the  uniforms  contracted  for  by  tho 
Government,  and  not  by  the  regimental  Colonels.  The  importance  of  having  sxiper- 
seded  the  latter  gallant  c'othiers  is  manifested  in  the  altered  appearance  of  the  men. 
Their  coats  are  of  beantifnl  material,  the  privates  wearing  the  cloth  formerly  given 
only  to  sergeants,  while  the  sergeants  have  the  Fame  as  the  commissioned  officer**. 
Yesterday  one  or  two  men  conld  be  discerned  still  dressed  in  the  old  brick-coloured 
baize,  and  having  an  indescribably  dingy  appearance  among  their  well  clad 
comrades." 

The  perusal  of  what  looks  verv  much  like  positive  proof  that  very 
many  of  the  old  clothing  Colonels  not  only  stooped  to  be  tailors,  but 
also  condescended  to  be  dishonest  tailors,  must  naturally  make  numerous 
old  Colonels  very  angry.  Those  veterans  may  be  excused  for  indulging 
in  some  violence  of  expression,  disgusted  and  indignant  as  they  must 
feel  to  find  their  laurels  intertwined  with  cabbage. 


Logarithms— Loggerheads. 

To  an  ancestor  of  the  NAPIEES  the  world  owes  logarithms ;  his  fame 
is  well-known  and  widely  acknowledged.  But  there  is  another  NAPIER 
whose  reputation  has  been  shamefully  slighted,  and  that  is  the 
NAPIER  who  first  discovered  loggerheads.  His  fame  has  never  been 
properly  allowed  by  the  world  at  large ;  but  this  we  must  say,  in  praise 
of  all  his  descendants.  They,  with  a  fine  appreciation  of  the  mciits 
of  their  ancestor,  have  always  done  their  best  to  pay  due  homage  to 
the  memory  of  his  discoverv.  This  delightful  fact,  we  hold,  admits  of 
no  denial;  for  never  yet  did  "the  NAPIEES"  mix  with  anybody  or  any 
matter  but  loggerheads  immediately  followed. 


How  A  LADY  MAY  ALWAYS  LOOK  YOUNG.— By  getting  a  fashionable 
artist  to  take  her  portrait. 


frintfd  by  Willlm  Bradbury,  of  No.  13.  Upper  Woonrn  Pl«cf,  lid  Fr-dfrick  Mnlltt  Ev»n«,  of  No.  1«,  Quei-n'i  Hoad  Weit,  Rw nf  I  Park. 
fUmn,  M  their  Oflire  la  Lombard  Street,  ill  the  Precinct  of  Whiteuian,  in  the  Citj  of  London.  »nd  Published  by  Ihem  «t  No. 
London.— SiToandT,  June  G,  185;. 


both  in  thr  Parish  of  St.  PancrM,  in  the  County  of  Middletrx, 
So.  Fleet  Street,  in   the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  la  Ihe  Cltr  •» 


JUNE  13,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


233 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

June  Mh,  Thurnflay.  llolidavs  over,  and  the  schoolmaster  come 
back  from  abroad.  lie— need  Punch  name  BBOUGH AM P— was  in 
capital  health  and  spirits,  and  at  once  opened  fire  upon  the  Divorce 
Will,  to  which  he  has  divers  objections,  chiclly  founded  upon  its  not 
briii;,'  Millicieiitly  fa\ ourablc  to  the  wife.  LORD  WESTMKATII  (an  odd 
person  for  the  work)  introduced  a  Bill  for  regulating  the  bathing  at 
watering-places,  and  rendering  it  more  decorous.  Petitions  against 
the  Hill  are,  we  understand,  in  course  of  signature  by  the  class  of 
vulgarians  and  vulgarienaes,  who  at  such  places  as  Margate  and 
Hainvgate,  turn  a  healthy  and  delightful  duty  into  what  they  term  a 
Lark. 

There  was  a  great  deal  of  talk  in  the  Commons,  chiefly  directed 
to  the  solution  of  the  question  whether  the  Board  of  Trade  was  of  any 
use.  There  can  be  no  doubt  that,  it  is  of  great,  use,  and  that  mere 
eonimereial  men  arc  not,  with  all  their  spirit  and  cleverness,  quite  fit 
to  br  entrusted  with  the  exclusive  control  of  our  national  interests. 
Tin-  Master  has  spoken. 

Friday.  Loitn  ('OWLET,  as  Punch  warned  the  world  would  be  the 
case,  has  been  made  an  earl,  and  took  his  seat  "as  such."  Why, 
nobody  knows,  not  even  MR.  DOD,  who  moreover  appends  to  the 
recital  of  CHWI.EV'S  travels  a  cruel  bit  of  satire,  the  more  mordant 
because  entirely  unintended.  "'y\\z  first  LORD  COWLEY  was  a  dis- 
tinguished diplomatist."  This  will  prevent  anybody  from  falling  into 
the  sort  of  error  commemorated  by  MR.  TOM  MOORE — 

"  And  (such  a  mistake  as  no  mortal  bit  ever  on,) 
Fancied  the  [iremtt  EAIU.  '  COWLKY  '  the  clever  one." 

In  the  course  of  conversation  on  Merchant  Shipping,  several  noble- 
men who  have  estates  on  our  coast,  and  therefore  get  little  bits  of  luck 
in  the  way  of  wrecks,  complained  of  being  obliged  to  show  that  they 
have  a  right  to  such  windfalls — or  waterfalls — which  obligation  they 
deem  a  great  hardship.  Noblemen  have  improved  since  the  days 
when  they  hung  out  false  lights  to  bring  vessels  on  the  rocks ;  and 
neither  LORD  GKEY,  nor  LOUD  DERBY,  nor  any  other  of  the  com- 
plainants would  even  smoke  a  cigar  on  the  beach  if  he  thought  a 
merchant-captain  could  mistake  the  light  for  that  at  the  North  Fore- 
laud  or  Dungenness ;  but  Mr.  Punch  thinks  that  they  might  go  a 
step  further,  and  leave  this  kind  of  sea  gleaning  to  the  fishermen.  The 
Wills  Bill  was  passed,  LORD  CKANWORTH  screwing  up  his  courage  to 
say  that  it  was  impossible  to  declare  the  proctors  entitled  to  compensa- 
tion. BEX  .IONSON  (a  dramatist  of  merit),  had  his  estimate  of  the 
animal  called  Proctor,  and  it  may  be  interred  from  a  passage  in 
Bartholomew  Fair,  in  which  a  clergyman  says,  "Every  fine  that  a 
proctor  writes  is  a  long  black  hair  combed  out  of  the  tail  of  Antichrist." 

COWLEY  in  the  Lords,  Cows  in  the  Commons.  SIR  B.  HALL 
explained  that  the  vaccine  mothers  in  Hyde  Park  had  a  right  to  be 
t  here,  and  paid  for  their  lodging,  all  but  five,  who  are  the  private  and 
privileged  cows  of  the  superintendent.  One  wonders  that  WISCOUST 
WILLIAMS  did  not  move  for  a  return  of  the  names  of  the  cows,  their 
colours  and  ages,  how  much  milk  they  respectively  gave,  how  much 
cream  came  from  it,  what  counties  they  came  from,  what  sort  of  horns 
they  have,  whether  any  of  them  are  old  cows,  and  if  so,  what  tune  they 
are  likely  to  die  of,  distinguishing  between  those  which  stand  still  to 
be  milked,  those  that  flap  their  tails  into  the  milker's  eye,  and  those 
that  kick  the  pail  over ;  also  whether  insured  in  the  Farmer's  Assurance 
Company,  and  for  how  much,  and  what,  number  of  calves  they  have 
had,  and  whether  any  calf  ever  stood  for  Lambeth.  The  expense  of 
obtaining  and  printing  the  return  would  not  have  been  more  than  £20 
or  £30,  and  what  is  that  (out  of  other  people's  money)  when  a  patriot 
i  clap-trap  P 

Complaints  were  made  that  election  petitions  often  contained  false- 
hoods, and  that  there  was  no  convenient  way  of  punishing  the  slan- 
derers. LORD  PALMERSTON  thought  that  it  did  not  much  matter. 
After  some  verbal  amends  had  been  made  to  MR.  STONOR,  a  gentleman 
who  was  rather  severely  treated  by  a  former  Government  in  conse- 
quence of  an  election  indiscretion,  the  Sound  Dues  question  came  on. 
These  tolls  are  extinguished  by  the  Danes,  in  consideration  of  certain 
moneys  from  divers  nations,  England's  share  being  something  over  a 
million.  Denmark  is  to  keep  the  Sound  Lamps  lighted  and  trimmed, 
and  generally  to  aid  navigation  and  reduce  transit  dues.  The  arrange- 
ment is  a  sensible  one,  and  as  SIR  GEORGE  LEWIS  happens  to  have  the 
money  in  his  desk,  it  is  no  case  of  new  tax.  The  Wiscourit,  of 
course,  with  the  large-minded  political  economy  of  a  retail  patriot, 
could  not  see  why  anybody  should  pay  for  these  imposts  except  the 
merchants  trading  to  Denmark,  but  the  House  had  clearer  perceptions 
of  the  interests  of  the  country. 

On  the  Army  Estimates  there  was  a  long  debate  about  Aldershott, 
a  place  which  is  a  pet  of  PAM'S,  and  which  he  defended  with  spirit, 
but  which  "  bores  "  the  officers,  who  hate  living  in  camp  (though  they 
have  a  club-house),  and  miss  the  billiard-rooms  flirtations  with  pretty 
confectioneresses  and  milliners,  and  other  delights  of  a  town.  So 
they  agree  to  represent  Aldershott  as  of  no  use,  and,  inasmuch  as  there 
are  a  great  many  blunders  and  short-comings  to  be  detected  there,  the 


enemies  of  the  ramp  nnke  out  a  sort  of  case.  Equally,  however,  is  it 
certain  that  the  bored  om'cers  can  learn  at  Alder&hott  what  the  DUKE 
.-aid  that,  not  twenty  men  in  the  Army  knew, namely,  how  to  move 
masses  of  troops ;  and  this  is  worth  learning,  even  though  billiard- 
markers  are  idle,  and  tart-vending  ARIADNE  mourns  her  epauletted 

TllKSLlS. 


DRAMATIC  ART-TREASURES. 

ON  May  23rd,  was  sold  off  at  MR.  LEIGH  SOTHEBY'S  the  following 
curiosity : — 

"898""Heel  of  the  Shoe  kicked  off  by  HUH.  SIDDOXB  in  throwing  back  her  velvet 
train  whilst  performing  the  part  of  Coiutance,  in  King  Jotin,  in  1705,  and 
picked  uii  from  the  stago  by  J.  WHITFIILO." 

We  suppose  that  some  literary  enthusiast  bought  the  above  specimen 
of  the  heeling  art,  the  better  to  enable  him  to  trace  the  footsteps  of 
the  Drama?  Who  knows,  the  same  fortunate  purchaser  may  already 
have  in  his  possession  the  sock  of  TIIESPIS,  and  the  buskin  of  Rose  us, 
together  with  a  highlow  of  HICKS  ?  We  know  that  a  lover  will  often 
preserve  an  odd  glove  of  the  beautiful  object  he  adores,  but  to  treasure 
up  the  hind  part  of  a  shoe  is  going  quite  to  the  opposite  extreme.  \\  <• 
imagine  that  it  is  valued  as  a  striking  proof  of  the  passion  with  which 
MRS.  SIDDOXS  laid  bare  her  sole  when  acting?  if  the  lucky  owner 
will  only  send  the  valuable  treasure  to  Manchester,  we  will  promise  to 
back  it  up  with  the  following  contributions : — 

754.  A  hair  of  the  same  dog  that  was  supposed  to  have  bitten  R.  W   ELUSION  the 

evening  before,  when  he  "  blessed  you, j  my  people,"  in  the  character  of 

George  1 V. 
869.  The  point  of  the  dagger,  with  which  C.tRTUCH  helped  to  murder  the  QUEEN'S 

English  for  so  many  years  at  Astley's. 
SS5.  The  identical  slip  of  the  pen,  with  which  the  Morning  Herald  critic  wioto  the 

notice  of  the  Traviata  before  ita  performance  at  the  Royal  Italian  Opera. 
007.  The  pruning-knife,  with  numerous  cuttings,  showing  the  judicious  use  of  it, 

t'nat  was  lately  in  the  possession  of  the  manager  of  RICHARDSON'S  Theatre. 
1000.  A  nail  of  the  shoe  of  EI.LA'«  horse,  which  has  cleared  10,000  hurdles  and  all 

the  expences  of  the  Establishment  at  IVury  Lane. 


Let  every  lover  of  the  Theatrical  art  contribute  in  the  same  liberal 
spirit,  and  Manchester  will  soon  be  able  to  boast  of  a  collection  of 
Dramatic  Art-Treasures  unsurpassed  in  the  whole  world. 


A  PLACE  OF  RETREAT. — A  timid  capitalist  has  taken  the  Exeter 
Change  Arcade  for  himself,  children,  and  valuables,  on  the  13th  of  June, 
as  he  is  positive  that  the  Cornet  will  never  think  of  visiting  so 
deserted  a  locality  on  that  day.  , 


VOL.   XXXII. 


B  B 


234 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  13,  1857. 


A    HUSBAND    OF    TEN    THOUSAND. 


JL 


HE  subjoined  advertise- 
ment, extracted  from  a 
morning  paper,  was 
doubtless  answered  by  an 
immense  number  of  re- 
spondents : — 

IfATRIMONY.  — To 

-!•«•  LADIES  OF  FORTUNE. 
Any  WJDOW  or  MAIDEN  LADY 
desirous  of  MKUTING  with  ;i 
loving  agreeable  PARTNF.R,  can  obtain  what 
they  wish  by  C.>RHESpoNniNG  with  the  Ad- 
vertiser.    The  strictest    secrtsy  observed, 
and  no  charge  made,  the  advertiser's  only 
object  being  a  desire  to  secure  tlieh;ip[>ini;s.s 
and    welfare    of    a   handsome   and   worthy 
Youug  Man,  23  years  of  age,  who  will,  upon 
-  riage  day,  be    put  into  possession 
of  a  considerable  sum  of  money." 

Any  unmarried  lady  can  have  this 
handsome  and  worthy  young  man  for 
asking — this  handsome  and  worthy 
young  man,  as  an  auctioneer  would 
repeat,  only  twenty-three  years  .of 
age,  and  who  will  receive  a  con- 
siderable sum  of  money  on  his 
marriage  day.  First  come,  first 
served,  of  course,  since  the  young 
man  is  to  be  had  by  any  such  appli- 
cant. What  a  catch!— because  not 
only  is  he  worthy  and  handsome  and 

tinea  o  Have  money,  but,  inasmuch  as  somebody  else  advertises  for  him,  and  makes,  on  his 
behalf,  an  unconditional  promise  of  marriage  to  any  woman  who  will  accept  him  it  is  manifest- 
that  he  can  have  no  will  of  his  own.  What  a  duck  of  a  husband  he  would  make  then  !—  if 
tie  would  not  make  a  goose.  What  work  the  above  advertisement  must  have  cut  out 
i?r^  ,£?stman  of  the  district  whence  it  was  issued  !— which,  we  may  state,  was  that  of 
i.  I/.  What  a  griihu,  most  probably,  was  the  candidate  who  was  first  in  the  field ! 


SALE  OR  SELL  ? 

To  those  of  our  readers  who  have  a  taste  for 
puzzles,  perhaps  the  following  advertisement 
will  not  be  unacceptable  : — 

A  RMY  AND  NAVY.— A  favourable  opportunity 
•£!  presents  itself  of  purchasing  the  INTEREST  of  a  PUBLI- 
CATION, which  is  well  adapted  to  any  gentleman  having 
a  tils  to  for  literature,  and  a  portion  of  his  time  unoccupied 
Apply,  Ac. 

Now,  in  the  name  of  Notes  and  queries,  what 
in  the  world  does  the  advertiser  mean  by  first 
attracting  the  attention  of  the  Army  and  Navy 
and  then  proceeding  to  talk  about  a  "taste  for 
literature  ? '  We  admit  there  may  be  found  in 
either  service  men  who  have  evinced  so  far  a 
literary  turn,  as  to  show  that  they  know  well 
enough  how  to  "make  a  book : "  but  we  cannot 
think  the  advertiser  .justified  on  this  account, 
to  twit  the  gallant  fellows  with  their  "  taste  for 
literature."  Nor  can  we  the  least  comprehend 
what  lie  means,  by  offering  for  sale  the  mere 
interest "  of  a  publication,  in  the  management 
ot  which,  we  presume  he  is  the  principal.  Are 
we  to  infer  that  the  publication  itself  will  be 
made  the  subject  of  a  separate  bargain  ?  Imagine 
what  a  sell  it  would  be  to  the  buyer  of  a  novel 
to  find  that  all  its  interest,  had  been  previously  ! 
disposed  of!  Or,  as  a  still  greater  stretch  of 
fancy,  only  conceive  what  a  rush  there  would  be 
to  the  Auction-room,  were  we  to  advertise  that 
any  one,  who  proved  the  highest  bidder,  might 
purchase  the  exclusive  right  to  the  sole  enjoy- 
ment of  the  interest  of  Punch! 


COMFORT  FOR  THE  CALUMNIATED.— The  fairest 
complexions  get  freckled  the  soonest. 


THE  WELLINGTON  MONUMENT. 

THE  NELSON  memorial  (to  which  his  late  Majesty,  NICHOLAS  of 
Kussia,  was  m  two  senses  the  largest  subscriber)  is  not  finished,  nor 
. ')  be  finished.  Who  was  NELSON  ?  Why,  it  is  fifty  years 
and  more  since  he  was  killed  in  annihilating  the  naval  power  of  France 
at  a  blow  You  might  as  well  talk  to  us  of  MAHLBOROUGH,  or  BLAKE. 
Mr.  Punch  will  bet  even  money  that  ADMIRAL  SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER'S 
monument  is  complete  before  ADMIRAL  LORD  NELSON'S 

But  touching  the  WELLINGTON  monument,  Mr.  Punch  would  lay  no 
such  wager,  ihere  is  every  reason  to  believe  that  it  will  be  executed 

thwith.  Ihe  authorities  are  eager  to  see  the  marble  in  hand  Not 
perhaps,  because  ol  their  intense  veneration  for  the  dead,  but  out  of 
their  strong  desire  to  serve  the  living.  The  Great  Duke's  memorial 

A     >A  K         char?e  ot  .no  laggard  spirit  of  hero-worship,  it  will  be 
L  by  those  who  keep  the  nation's  porte  monnaie  and  who  will 
lisburse  with  a  free  hand  when  the  applicant  is  well  recommended 

Puffs  preliminary  are  already  scattered  broadcast.    We  hear  that  a 
certain  Baron  "has  designed  a   monument  which,  if  Government 
approve  it,  will  be  erected  in  St.  Paul's."    Pleasantly  and  easily  do 
fiese  announcements  half  official,  drop  the  fact  that  other  sculptors 
hereto  invited  by  Government,  have  been  labouring  for  months  a 
the  r    deals  of  memorials.    Labouring  privately,   too,  m  compliance 
with  the   terms  that  prescribed  anonymous  models.    The  Baron 

iliecl  his  design,  and  if  Government  approve  it.  that  is  to  be  the 
a^thfnlT1''  7nument  If !  As  if  thcauthoritiesare  likely  to  disapprove 
.11,. \  thing  by  a  Baron  so  recommended  as  the  BARON  MUIROWFATTI 

But  the  puffs  are  not  haughty  in  their  tone ;  on  the  contrary   it  is 

ffi.4rt8aftsi  ffl±£s£s  ^ts 

bronze"  rnpared  l"  "PP^f    We  are  told  that  there  arc  to  be  tvfo  big 

dooM,  set  against  the  wall  and  pretending  to  be  the  entrance" 

i  vault.     This  is  a  Sham,  but  Marlborough  House    so  severe 

upon  tn  :r  on  a  carpet,  or  the  bird  on  a  wall-paper   will  be  all 

i£w=8s,  Jst^tfetsaJ^^ 
SS^y&^ASras  raiss  welt 

side  you  could  not  we  him,  and  secondly,  he  can't  be  put  inside 
because  the  mausoleum  doors  are  sham  ones.    The  effect  would  seem 

thVmrt     I     '\  dy-r Cep!ng  a"aiust  the  front  d°°'-  «f  *  house  whiS 
ie  party  she  is  bewailing  has  got  out  upon  the  roof.    That  a  great 


deal  of  this  will  be  cleverly  managed  we  have  no  doubt,  for  the  Barop 

is  a  clever  man,  with  bold  notions,  which  his  fashionable  friends  cal; 
fresh  creation^      For  a  temporary  trophy,  or  a  device  for  a  fete,  the 

M AHROWFATTI  Creations  are  admirable,  but  posterity  will  look,  in  our 

W  ELLINGTON  memorial,  for  something  more  than  a  mere  holiday  surprise 
—a  contrivance  to  make  good-natured  Duchesses  cry  out,  ''Dear  toe 
how  charmingly  ingenious." 

That  the  Baron's  design  will  please  the  authorities  and  Duchesses 
and  will  be  erected  at  our  expense  in  St.  Paul's  is  exceedingly  pro 
bable.  Ihe  puffs  have  gone  abroad  in  profusion,  and  they  denote 
approbation  previously  secured.  Possibly,  too,  the  Baron's  design 
may  be  better  than  any  of  the  others.  Only,  for  form's  sake,  one 
would  just  like  to  know  something  about  these  others.  After  all  the 
Jinglish  sculptors  were  asked  to  compete,  and  thoush  there  may  be  no 
intention  of  giving  them  a  chance,  pay  them  the  compliment  of  letting 
their  designs  be  exhibited.  That  cannot  hurt  the  favourite,  and  mav 

;ive  several  worthy  poor  fellows  a  lift.    The  race  is  a  settled  thing, 

ut  let  the  losers  go  over  the  ground. 

A  thought  occurs  to  us.  When  the  WELLINGTON  monument  is 
adjudged  to  the  Baron,  could  not  the  other  candidates  be  allowed  (of 
course  at  their  own  expense)  to  complete  the  NELSON  memorial  by 
contribution  of  ideas  from  their  rejected  models?  What  may  not  be  . 
good  enough  for  WELLINGTON  is  good  enough  for  NELSON.  It  would 
be  a  sort  ol  encouragement  to  the  English  sculptor  just  to  let  him  lay 

nisei  to  one  of  our  inferior  national  testimonials,  while  the  important 
ones,  as  the  Scutari  memorial  and  the  WELLINGTON  monument  are 
fittingly  assigned  for  execution  where  the  sympathies. of  nationality  do 
not  interfere  with  the  dictates  of  pure  art 


Posthumous  Practical  Joke. 

OLD  MR.  SCRUDGE  dies,  and  after  his  lamented  decease  a  will  is 
fii  ™n  sfu°Pg  b?x;  bequeathing  to  EMILY  WOODBINE,  the  belle 

the  village,  beloved  by  HARRY  HONEYSUCKLE,  and  loving  him  in 
eturn,  an  annuity  of  ten  thousand  a-year  during  her  life,  so  long  as 

:  shall  remain  single  and  unmarried ;  the  whole  legacy,  principal  and 
iterest,  in  the  event  of  her  marriage,  to  go  to  the  Asylum  for  Idiots. 

EHEU,   FUGACES  ! 

PEOPLE  remark  upon  DUKE  CONSTANTINO'S  having  paid  us  English 
-Hying  visit    Such  comments  are  unkind.   It  is  not  easy  for  Russians 
to^get  rid  of  their  habit  throughout  the  war. 


JUNE  13,  1857.] 


OR   THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


235 


PERSECUTION    IN    BELGIUM. 


To  Hie  Editor  of  (he  "  Tall.tr 


The   faithful    lick-,;,,, 

not   bv  au  aving 

into    the 

iiiou. 

<-d,  and  subject, 
other  atrocious  Ion.: 
\n  infuriated  im,h 

lathers    with    horrid 
of 

and    "  Five    la    ('institu- 
tion!" and  the  still 
barbarous  shout-,  ;md  veils 
of  "  It',-,,   de   Ktoo»t, 

"  I*evei1eiverknian .'"   With 
;ils.  and   injuries 

I      till! 

'  iiiatemiJ 

their    Jesuits    and    oilier 

the  influ. 
of      the 

''•s,    a    law 

QBOnpMd      ami      partially 
"cration  of: 
which  would   eo 

portion  of  t  he  Bel- 
gian population,  the  inesti- 
mable grace  of  \m\, 

Pope  I 


..,...„  rogue  will  still  be  denied  the  liberty  o 

delivering  himself  from  the  deuc.-. 
lie-'  hi>  plunder  to  the  Church  instead  oj 
it    to  his  own  family.      Of   course    the 
">ll<""  u-ood  as  his  deed,  if 

Wmr  Of   llol>    Church   is 

""  mywid  document     Wh:,i  .-.  hardship  onth. 

repentani    rogue,   bo  prerenl  him  from 

tor  .las    crimes    by    impoverishing    his    hen- 

''•itish  „•;][  ,,,;„!,   ;„  ,, 

muniuation    .,i    the    Kel-i-,,,    priesthood;     Lit 
Hall  may  perhap 

ity   of  that   venerable   body 
I1'1"   l""u  precisely  the  same  cause  as 
is  own.    At   the 

Holy   men,   whom  .<,iirnal- 

'•ail  over-zealous  pi  ,    of   t)l(, 

hair  of 

'"  .!'"•  you 

".    on    Hi,;    Sin 
i.akerraeMft  '  they  had  tak.  ;,  dance. 

iid  fathers  - 

latanana  in    their    own    1 
inanwed  a  propor 

i"»    and    eontcn,],!,     oonstitutinK     that    cruel 
martyrdom   which 

'.(nenllv  IK 

aiimiratiou   and    amusement    of,    Sir,   your 
constant  walciier,  wwoarjii 

The  heretic  LEOPOLD  has  adjourned  the 
OD,  or    l.'i  .  ii  s,   or  I  (id- 
ea more  infamously  : 


One  Begins  to  be  Uncomfortable. 


THEBE  can  now  be  no  doubt  that  the expceied 
will  annihilate  all  tilings.  An  Adclphi 
Playbill  announces  the  Green  titttties  "for  the 
Last  lime."  This  is  conclusive.  When  a  drama 
that  was  not  for  an  age  but  for  all  time,  stops, 
lime  himself  had  better  take  himself  by  the 
lorelock,  and  make  his  bow. 


SIE  ROBERT  PEEL   ON  MOSCOW. 


ae 
them  with  a  Lecture  on  thTbeauUes  of  the 

By  Jove    it  is  verv  like' 
,  I  need  not  tell  7ou  fir 


"My  boys,  here  we  are  in  Moscow. 
ion  see  before  you  the  coronation,  which, 
surpassed  the   one  ,„   the  />,Y^,>.     You   will  notice 
..     -'-I^icror,  the  Eni 


Palace  of  Pomona  in  a  pantomime.    All  the  houses    in  facf 
rtraiip  freaks  into  their  Lads.    Many  of  them  aTgilt   remin 
one  of  misers,  whose  caputs  run  upon  nothing  but  -oB     Others  ar 
painted  green  aaid  red.    The  effect  is  not  happy     fheybrk," 

2s  c,ovcnt  Q^»f%^^^ 

ch,u[c,hesQ,are  crammed  with  more  plate  than  HUNT 
i    wiibtJ,  STO?R  and   MORTIMER'S  shop  would  be 

o          ™  fKpedlar  !  ^os  S?TRared  to  •'"-•  bmuSenKcS 

it  prec  ous  stones  they  contain.    Talking  of  sacks  the  French  took 

0f     '^esame  ewels,  just  before  they'were 


'  ' 


ist  , 

.   reminding  ulic  , 
minister  thai    1   could  name. 
tall  it  was  found  to  be  eracki.. 
of  a  great  upstart   having  ende.l  in  insanity     The 'Gram 

feswsi^  ^£5*-  h»  £~sa! 

"iad,   but   rather  pin 
'"".s  of  Moscow^with  this   si 
'  m  it.     It  joi 
has 


- 


'  1,0  1™,,,,  th«  0,-c    ,, 

•  il 

^^ 


every  oatii, 

bill.    Most  of  their  ways  me 

streets,  whose  only  pavement  is  i 

tlie  badness  of  the  paviii"  it  is 

walk  over  them.    The  city  altogeuer  presents  a  curious  harleou 

ol  all  architectural  styles  and  orders,  and,  for  that  reason    ikeTl    HP 

i'-'  t.     iou  are  free  from  the  sme  s  the  fleas  the  nriests  tl,f. 

T- fcwo  JT*^*8  Of0 a11  descriptions,  UwUmnnt  t£ ^origina? 
iciivc  in^  worn  lor  it.  cvcrv  Ixussian  19  "  ^ —  _:.i--._  _,    <      T« 
let  us  cut.     Bui,  ' 

IRD.      " 

pillars  oft 

tlnVl  f™  R??ERT  ?EFL  is  n»  longer  connected  with  the  Ministry  we 


-  ,  e.        ovvever 

fore  going  my  tulips  let  us  -ive  three  che 

-  e  amongst  the 


(BROWN)  's  LAST  TESTIMONIAL. 
COPPER  has  risen  in  price— all  round  the  town 
two  hundred  pounds  are  offered  for  One  " BROWN  •  " 
TI"  -J(r   rf  P»n"a«er  "la-v  PWC  an  ass; 

1  find  (or  we  mistake)  his  BROWN'S  all  Brass 


236 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  13,  1857. 


SCENE,  GREENWICH :   THE  LAST  TRAIN  HAS  GONE,  AND  THE   SENIOR  PARTY,  UNDER  THE  IMPRESSION 
THAT  THE  VEHICLE  WAS  A  BROUGHAM,  HAS  ACCEPTED  THE  OFFER  OF  A  LIFT  TO  TOWN. 

Senior  Party.  "  DOG  CAM  !    GOOD  GRACIOUS  !    BUT  rou  ARE  NEVER  GOING  TO  DRIVE  ?  " 
Junior  Party.  "  NOT  GOING—  A— DWIVE  ?    WHY  NOT  GOING  A— DWIVE  ?    Jus— AIN'T  I,  THO'  !  " 


THE    GREAT    SHIP. 

SEVERAL  incorrect  statements  having  appeared  in  reference  to  the 
Great  Mstern  (now  lying  like  a  red  whale  in  MR.  SCOTT  RUSSELL'S 
yard  at  Millwall,  and  so  frightening  people  that  they  cut  across  the 
river  and  take  refuge  by  scores  in  the  houses  of  MESSRS.  HART  and 
QUARTEKMAIXE,  who  administer  white-bait  and  iced  punch  with  the 
most  humane  promptitude)  Mr.  Punch  has  been  requested  to  publish 
the  following  information  touching  the  arrangements  on  board  the 
vessel. 

CAPTAIN  HARRISON,  the  Captain,  who  has  been  selected  in  contra- 
vention of  all  rules  observed  in  the  public  service,  the  proprietors  of 
the  ship  having  engaged  him  for  the  vulgar  reason  that  he  was  noto- 
riously the  best  captain  on  the  best  line  of  steamers  in  the  world  will 
merely  attend  to  the  comparatively  unimportant  duty  of  takin<*  care 
of  the  vessel.  But,  as  there  are  to  be  six  hundred  first  class  pas- 
sengers, other  captains  will  be  appointed  to  administer  to  the  domestic 
wants  of  the  floating  colony.  There  will  be  a  Dining  Captain  with 
great  carving  powers,  and  a  miracutous  flow  of  after-dinner  oratory  • 
and  there  will  be  a  Flirtation  Captain,  whose  business  it  will  be  to 
render  the  brief  voyage  still  briefer  to  the  ladies.  The  former  has 
been  a  I  reemason,  who  has  eaten  his  way  into  all  the  honours  of  the 
Cua  f  an(i  w'10  k°.ld  lodges  in  the  maintop,  where  the  proximity  of 
the  hre  from  the  chimney  will  be  highly  convenient  for  heating  the 
gridirons.  The  latter  has  been  still  more  carefully  selected,  and  is  a 
gentleman  whom  his  wife  is  about  to  divorce,  under  the  new  law  for 
the  incompatibility  of  his  red  hair  with  her  notions  of  elegance  'and 
who,  under  the  same  law  will  be  incapable  of  marrying  again.  He  will 
therefore  have  been  a  family  man,  which  makes  him  respectable 
while  at  the  same  time  his  attentions  can  mean  nothing. 

The  spiritual  welfare  of  the  ten  thousand  inhabitants  of  the  vessel 
will  be  duly  cared  tor.  A  very  handsome  church  is  being  built  on  the 


after-deck,  and  four  Chapels,  for  Methodists,  Catholics,  Baptists,  and* 
Independents,  are  being  erected  forward.  A  pretty  rectory  house  and 
garden  will  be  placed  near  the  wheel,  but  it  is  thought  well  that  the 
voluntary  system  should  provide  for  the  Dissenting  teachers,  though  in 
case  of  sea-sickness  during  the  services,  the  sea-beadles  are  ordered  to 
attend  everywhere  with  basins  without  regard  to  distinction  of 
religious  faith  or  bringing  up.  Births  and  marriages  will  be  amply 
provided  for,  the  Directors  of  the  Great  Eastern  undertaking  to  be 
godfathers  to  any  addition  made  to  the  population  during  the  voyage, 
(a  silversmith  goes  out  express  to  engrave  the  mugs,)  and  bercean- 
nettes  may  be  had  gratis,  on  application  to  the  boatswain.  The  Captain 
will  act  as  father  to  any  young  (or  other)  lady  who  may  succeed,  by 
dint  of  moonlight  and  LORD  BYRON,  in  persuading  a  gentleman  to  pay 
her  expenses  for  the  rest  of  her  life,  and  a  large  young  officer  is  now 
growing  whiskers  and  a  brogue,  in  order  to  act  as  a  brother,  and 
demand  intentions,  on  application  from  any  Mamma.  Cottages  for 
the  honeymoon  are  being  fitted  up  larboard  side  by  MESSRS.  JACKSON 
AND  GRAHAM,  and  will  have  private  telegraphs  to  the  kitchen,  night- 
ingales, and  Hell's  Life. 

Weather  permitting,  races  will  take  place  at  stated  periods,  and  the 

Great  Eastern  Derby  will  be  a  feature  in  the  voyage.    Once  round  the 

vessel  being  a  third  of  a  mile,  the  heats  will  be  easily  arranged.    A 

moveable  Grand  Stand  is  being  constructed  by  MESSRS.  EDGINGTON. 

The  stabling  in  the  vessel  will  afford  accommodation  for  any  number 

of  horses,  and  one  of  the  long-boats  (itself  a  large  steamer)  can  be 

engaged  for  trial  gallops,  and  be  surrounded  with  awning  and  ordered 

to  cruise  at  some  distance,  in  order  to  ensure  privacy.    The  Betting 

Act  not  applying  to  the  high  seas,  an  office  where  the  odds  will  be 

!  given  will  be  under  the  superintendence  of  the  purser.    Other  amuse- 

j  ments  will  be  provided,  an  American  alley,  and  a  skittle  ground,  being 

situated  on  the  poop,  and  a  spare  boiler  being  fitted  up  as  a  Casino,  into 

i  which  boiling  water  will  not  be  turned  without  such  notice  as  may  be 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.-  JCSB  13.  1857. 


CONSTANTINE    PRY'S    VISIT    TO    ENGLAND, 

"JUST  DROPPED  IN-HOPE  I  DON'T  INTRUDE-OFF  AGAIN  TO-MORROW." 


JUNE  13,  1857.] 


1'i ;.\CH,   Oil    THE   LONDON    CHARIVA!!!. 


239 


i  theatrical  pursuits,  will  be  happy  to  fill  up  then-  vacant  evenings  in 
eing  converted,  on  moderate  terms,  by  an  e.g?P§ 

it  as  a  Missionary,  and  wi.-h  for  practice  m  dealing  with  his  benighted 
rethren.     (Extra' charge  for  readingth  of  tracth.)     A  cluk .room is 


practicable.  A  theatre  is  in  course  of  erection  and  an  English 
dramatic  author  will  be  kept  in  the,  hold,  with  a  safety-lamp,  to  trans- 
late any  French  pier,  t  h:.i  may  be  thrown  down  to  him.  Iwo  eminent 
Jew  cMtuiitirr*  have  contracted  to  supply  <!•  I  when  not  ei 

in  theatrical  pursuits,  will  be  happyto  fill  up  ™ 

being  converted 
out  as  a  M  : 

brethren.     (Extra   cuar^c  mi    n-auiujjm  «'   "•*""""!     '" f*~\."i.  "j 

ibo  being  arranged,  and  candidates  for  the  Great  Eastern  Clio,  had 
better  send  in  their  names.  Trade,  mi  political  p] 

whistling,  a  short  pipe,  the  habit  of  asking  questions,  Puseyism,  or  a 
pug-nose,  will  exclude.  . . 

Cabstands  will  be  placed  at  the  most  convenient  parts  of  the  ship 
and  tables  of  fares  and  distances  affixed,  Incivility  or  overcharge  will 
consign  the  offender  to  the  eat,  but  the  flogging  wil  be  conducted  m  a 
back  yard  of  the  vessel,  where  the  loudest  throated  tellow  may  bawl 
without  -rd  by  the  public.  Bath-chairs  and  perambulators 

will  also  be  in  wailinu',  and  omnibuses  will  convey  the  humbler  pas- 
rioas  parts  of  the  vessel.     Previously  to  the  show  ot  the 
electric  lurh: ,  •'  «™>d  display  of  tin-works,  and  a  balloon 

9  for  any  quarter  to  which  the  wind 
•  ticulars  will  be  published  from  time  to 
time  until  the  Launch. 


"NAMU  THIS  PEINCE." 

liable  and  spirited  young 
gentleman,  Lord  of  the  Isles 
and  Knight  of  the  Garter,  but 
best  known  as  the  PRINCE 
OF  WALES,  is  about  to  make 
a  Continental  tour.  During 
his  absence  abroad,  In 
be  called  BAKH.N  II  I.XIUKW, 
in  order  to  avoid  fuss  and 
ostentation.  This  is  all  sen- 
sible enough.  It  is  very  dis- 
agreeable lor  a  distinguished 
person  to  be  bothered  with 
people  running  after  him  and 
staring  at  him,  and  when  Mr. 
Punch  sent  his  eldest  son 
abroad  for  improvement,  he 
adopted  a  similar  course.  He 
did  not  want  the  lad  fol- 
lowed by  thousands,  point- 
ing at  him,  and  bawling, 
*( That's  PRINCE  Pi 
That 's  the  Heir  of  Fleet  Street !  That 's  the  son  of  the  Emperor  ! " 
and  so  on,  and  he  told  the  boy  simply  to  call  himself  TOUT  FEATHEK- 
CAP.  The  QIT.KN  is  quite  right,  as  usual. 

But  why  is  the  Prince  to  be  called  RENFREW?  Why  not  call  him- 
self CORNWALL,  or  CHESTER,  or  CARRICK,  or  DUBLIN,  seeing  that,  all 
are  as  much  his  names  as  the  Scotch  one,  and  that  each  name  is 
quite  a  I! i  STREW,  and  much  more  easily  pronounced  by 

foreigners  ?  Why  is  he  to  go  about  as  a  young  Scotchman  ?  Is  it  to 
rectily  the  notions  of  the  caricaturists  on  the  Continent,  as  to  the 
Scotch,  whom  they  depict  with  violent  check  trowsers,  and  plumes  of 
feathers  bi^ncr  than  iliose  the  tipsy  mutes  stick  on  hearses?  Or  is 
the  title  taken  for  the  sake  of  extreme  humility,  and  with  the  reason- 
able idea  that  nothing  can  be  of  much  less  importance  than  a  Scotch 
baron.  In  either  case  we  have  nothing  to  say  against  the  selection, 
but  Sin  ALBERT  CORNWALL,  or  LORD  EDWARD  CHESTER,  would 
have  been,  we  will  be  judged  by  the  young  ladies,  a  more  elegant 
travelling  appellation.  Perhaps,  like  the  Prince  in  Lalla,  Rookh,  the 
gallant  K.Ci.  is  going  to  look  round  him  for  some  Germanic  pearl,  one 
day  to  be  set  in  an  English  coronet.  Now  LALLA  never  would  call 
her  royal  lover  by  any  name  but  FERAMOKZ,  under  which  he  had  first 
wooed  her.  RENFREW  would  not  be  a  pretty  or  an  easy  name  for  the 
parting  rosebuds  of  the  PRINCESS  OF  WALES  to  lisp  out.  One  of  the 
Prince's  sisters  should  have  thought  of  this  for  him.  What  is  the 
use  of  a  lot  of  girls  in  a  familv  if  they  can't  attend  to  these  matters — 
a  fellah  can't  think  of  everything.  If  it  is  not  too  late,  we  recom- 
mend the  throwing'over  the  Sc9tch  name ;  and  so  we  bid  His  Royal 
Highness  farewell,  wishing  him  a  most  pleasant  sojourn  by  the 
Dracheufels,  and  tour  through  the  Alps. 


ADMIRAL   NAPIEE  AT   SEA  AGAIN. 

QUITTING  the  safe  anchorage  of  silence,  SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER  has 
again  been  launching  into  public  speech,  and  has  as  usual  been  found 
quite  at  sea  there.  On  moving  for  a  change  in  tin-  Admiralty  manage-  1 
incut,  possibly  with  a  view  to  the  introduction  (if  Sn;  ('IIAKLKS  NAPIKK 
in  the  place  of  Sin  CM  \m  i:s  WOOD,  the  gallant  admiral  is  reported  to 
have  croaked  as  follows  :  — 

"  At  present  we  h  •  1  fleet,  and  in  cano  of  a  sudden  war  with  France 

and  Uussia  ho  did  not  believe  the  QUEES'U  throne  would  be  worth  «tx  months'  pur- 
chase. (Oh  !  ok  .')  " 

A  truly  British  sentiment,  this  for  a  true  British  sailor  to  give  public 
utterance  to  !  And  the  cause  of  this  Napierian  croak  is,  that  at  the 
1'iesent  moment  — 

"  Our  ships  are  not  ready  ;  and  how  tbon  is  the  country  to  bo  defended  !  " 

In  answer  to  this  most  momentous  question,  we  feel  tempted  to  say, 
clearly  not  by  ADMIRAL  NAPIEH.  But  to  quiet  his  <  Mi- 

would  ask,  if  there  be  really  any  reason  to 

France  and  Russia  are  a  whit  more  ready  now  for  action  than  our  own  ? 
And  i.s  there  any  ground  for  the  nervous  apprehension,  lest  war  should 
he  declared  wit  Boat  a  note  of  preparation,  or  a  warning  letter  from  our 
Foreign  Correspondents  ? 

CHARLES  next  complains  that  when  through  their  bad  discipline 
his  men  should  have  been  beaten,  they  were  so  perverse'as  to  gain  for 
him  a  victory,  and  so  destroy  his  confidence  in  the  rules  of  warfare, 
besides  perhaps  upsetting  his  prophetic  calculations  :  — 

"When  befell  In  with  the  Migiielitc  fleet,  which  was  double  or  treble  his  force, 
one  of  the  enemy'*  ships  w;is  first  boarded  by  his  captain  and  his  sou,  now  no  more, 
;unl  they  wen;  hardly  t'..llit\ve<l  by  a  single  rnau  of  the  crow.  Yot  these  were  British 
Sailors!  And  out  of  the  50  marines  only  three  boarded.  Why  was  this?  Because 
the  men  were  undisciplined  and  had  no  confidence  in  themselves.  True,  the 
Miguelite  fleet  was  taken.  (A  Lau:i'  '  liy  all  the  rules  of  warfare  it  was 

the  British  fleet  win  i;ave  been  taken.  " 


This  statement  appears  to  have  occasioned  some  hilarity,  but  it  is 
clear  SIR  CHARLES  lelt  more  of  disappointment  than  delight  in  making  ' 
it.    It  is  a  matter  of  regret  with  him  rather  than  rejoicing  that  his 
men  were  so  ill-disciplined  as  to  disobey  the  rules  of  warfare,  and  so 
obstinate  withal  a  ike  a  thrashing  when  they  thought  that 

they  could  give  om  appears  to  us  a  kind  of  N  aval  Mam- 

worm,  and  rather  likes  the  despicable  plight  of  being  beaten,  as  it 
affords  him  opportunity  to  lay  the  blame  on  somebody,  and  represent 
himself  as  being  an  injured  individual.  Ill  sea-bird  that  he  is,  we  find 
him  continually  fouling  his  own  nest,  and  constantly  disparaging  every 
one  about  him  iii  order  that  by  contrast  he  may  exalt  himself. 


A  WORD  FOR  A  KING. 

"MY  DEAR  MB.  PUNCH, 

"  I  WAS  so  angry  with  you  for  that  picture  of  the  dear  KING 
OP  PKUSSIA  you  can't  think.  Pray,  never  make  fun  of  him  any  more. 
I  am  sure  you  will  not  when  you  know  what  I  am  going  to  tell  you, 
and  what  you  might,  you  satiric  creature,  have  read  for  yourself  if  you 
had  had  any  eyes.  It  is  actually  the  fact  (and  the  gentleman  who 
writes  to  the  Times  newspaper  from  Berlin,  will  assure  you  of  it)  that 
when  a  young  officer  in  Prussia  falls  in  love  with  a  young  lady,  and 
she  has  no  money,  and  he  has  not  enough  to  make  up  the  sum  which  a 
married  officer  is  required  by  law  to  have,  he  petitions  the  dear  King, 
and  the  King  makes  up  the  amount  for  him.  He  hardly  ever  refuses. 
O,  my  dear  Punch,  if  FIELD  MAHSHAL  PRINCE  ALBERT  would  do  this 
sort  of  thing,  how  we  girls  would  adore  him !  There  is  no  law  about 
income  here,  but  you  can't  marry  on  a  lieutenant's  pay,  you  know,  and 
keep  up  appearances ;  but  only  fancy  writing  to  the  PRINCE,  and  saying 
that  one  wain  e,  and  a  pony  carriage,  and  all  that,  and  dear 

COLONEL  PHIPPS  sending  the  money  in  nice  crisp  notes,  and  with  the 
PRINCE'S  best  wishes  for  our  happiness.    The  KIXG  OF  PRUSSIA  does 
this,  and  I  do  sincerely  hope  you  will  never  be  so  unkind  as  to  ridicule 
him  again.    I  have  been  telling  ALFRED  that  he  ought  to  exchange 
:!ic  Prussian  service,  but  you  don't  know  who  ALFRED  is,  and  I 
have  not  time  to  tell  you.    But  mind  what  I  say,  there  is  a  dear  old 
!  thing. 

"  Your  affectionate  friend, 

"  The  Close,  Canterbury."  "  LILT  PRIMROSE." 


Imaginary  Dialogue  at  Osborno. 

A  Grand  Admiral.  What  should  you  think  a  battle  was  like,  niv  dear 
Field  Marshal  ? 

A  Field  Marshal.  If  you  come  to  that,  what  should  you  think  a  sea- 
fight  was  like,  my  dear  Grand  Admiral  ? 

[Neither  having  an  idea  on  the  subjects,  both  go  in  to  lunch. 


CON.  BY  OUR  JUVENILE  CONTRIBUTOR. 

Q.  WHY  is  Uncle  Tain  like  a  Magician  ? 

A.  Because  he's  a  Negro  man,  Sir.     (Necromancer.) 


THE  NATURAL  HISTORY  OF  MORMOXITKS.— The  Mormonites  are  a 
set  of  brutes  little  superior  to  the  Baboon,  and  they  may  be  ranked 
under  the  denomination  of  Oiang-Utahmr. 


240 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  13,  1857. 


\ 


PETER  THE  CRUEL. 

IN  a  case  heard  at  Guildhall  the  other  day,  a  husband,  named  ALLEN, 
was  charged  with  bavins  punched  his  wife's  head,  because  she  did  not 
comply  with  his  demand  for  a  shilling.  Her  reason  was  a  miserable 
one.  'She  had  not  a  shilling.  Beaten,  she  applies  for  redress.  SOLO- 
MON SADDLER  is  on  the  Bench,  and  brayeth  as  follows  :— 

"  SIB  PETER  LABRIE  said  :  The  now  Act  of  Parliament  for  the  protection  of  women 
has  been  carried  out  too  far,  and  the  hard-working  and  industrious  man  has  fre- 
quently been  punished  with  great  severity,  for  a  blow  given  to  his  wife  in  a  moment 
of  anger  or  provocation." 

Evidently,  PETER'S  mind  is  in  his  old  shop.  His  exceedingly  apropos 
remark  (for  "  this  is  quite  a  different  case,  SIR  PETER,"  said  the  other 
Alderman)  was  prompted  by  a  recollection  of  bye-gone  times.  In 
dealing  with  a  wife  (dicit  PETER),  "  there  's  nothing  like  Leathering." 


THE    SOCIAL    TREAD-MILL.    No.   7. 

"  I  ONCE  knew  a  young  husband  and  wife,  both  well  born,  who  loving 
one  another,  had  been  courageous  enough  to  marry  without  waiting 
for  fortune.  An  old  servant  of  the  wife's  family  followed  her  young 
mistress  into  the  stuffy  Pimlico  first  floor,  to  which  she  passed  from 
the  old  Hampshire  country  house  without  a  sigh  or  a  misgiving,  and 
in  which  she  spent  many  a  long  lonely  day,  while  'WILLIE'  was  in 
Chambers,  awaiting  the  briefs  that  were  so  long  in  coming.  But  they 
did  come  at  last;  and  my  charming  and  courageous  couple  were 
rewarded  for  the  faith  which  had  carried  them  into  matrimony  on 
three  hundred  a  year. 

"  In  those  days  of  struggle  and  saving,  the  old  servant  was  the  only 
one  of  the  three  who  seemed  to  suffer  under  a  sense  of  contrast 
between  the  fine  old  Hampshire  mansion,  its  lordly  ways  and  rustic 
state,  and  the  fusty,  choky  I/ondon  lodging,  with  its  close-pinching 
economy  and  town-squalor.  It  so  happened,  that  her  master,  among 
some  relics  of  a  home,  broken  up  and  scattered  to  the  four  winds  by 
a  father's  death,  possessed  a  massive  fish-slice,  suggestive  of  the  family 
plate-chest  in  which  it  had  erst  reposed,  and  the  solemn  butler,  who  had 
once  watched  over  its  safe-keeping. 

"  My  young  friends'  old  servant  rejoiced  exceedingly  in  this  fish- 
slice. It  was  to  her  a  symbol  of  the  lofty  fortunes  from  which  her 
master  and  mistress  had,  wilfully  as  it  were,  descended.  When 
affronted  by  the  landlady  of  the  lodgings,  or  harassed  by  some  imper- 
tinence of  the  wretched  servant-of-all-work — who,  trodden  on  by  all 
was  not  particular  on  whom  she  turned — the  attached  dependent  would 
take  out  this  fish-slice,  and  apparently  derive  comfort  from  cleaning  it. 
It  was  a  sort  of  life-buoy,  which  kept  her  sense  of  the  family  dignity 
above  water. 


"  Breakfasting  with  my  friends  one  morning,  I  was  astonished  to 
see  the  fish-slice  on  the  table.  It  was  very  much  in  the  way  of  the 
cups  and  saucers,  and  my  friend  got  impatient,  and  at  last  rapped  out, 

'  Confound  that  fish-slice !    I  wonder,  my  darling,  why  GKI.M- 

SHAWE  will  insist  on  parading  it  at  breakfast  ? ' 

"  The  little  wife  laughed,  and  removed  the  ponderous  piece  of  plute, 
and  then  I  learnt  how  GRIMSHAWE  could  not  be  broken  of  this  habit  of 
solemnly  placing  her  cherished  fish-slice  on  the  table  at  every  meal. 

"  Poor  GRIMSHAWE  !  The  fish-slice  was  to  her  as  a  blue-riband— an 
order — a  title — something  to  extort  respect  from  all  civilised  people 
without  reference  to  fortune.  Her  master  and  mistress  were  quite 
willing  to  stand  upon  their  personal  claims  and  chances,  but  GIUM- 
SIIAWE  would  thrust  the  fish-slice  down  your  throat  on  all  occasions. 

"  When  I  see  people  giving  way  to  some  cowardly  piece  of  display — 
parading  some  incongruous  patch  of  splendour  on  their  threadbare 
every-day  habits, — I  always  think  of  GRIMSHAWE  and  the  fish-slice. 

"  The  KOTOOS  were  eminently  of  the  fish-slice  order  of  people.  Their 
table  looked  gorgeous  under  the  epergnes  with  their  glowing  sheaves 
of  flowers,  and  the  silver  wine-coolers  with  the  long-necked  green- 
yellow  bottles  peeping  out  of  them,  and  the  gay  dessert  intermixed 
with  the  flower-baskets, — only  we  were  all  aware  that  the  epergnes,  and 
the  wine-coolers,  and,  for  all  we  know,  the  very  forks  and  spoons,  with 
all  their  heraldry,  were  hired  from  the  pawnbroker's,  or  the  man  who 
lets  out  rout-seats,  or  came  in  GALANTINE'S  spring-van  with  the  green 
boxes.  In  fact,  the  KOTOOS'  fish-slice  was  Brummagem  electrotype, 
and  not  solid  silver,  and  everybody  saw  through  the  plating. 

"  Koioo  had  what  he  called  the  menew  by  his  side— GALANTINE'S  bill 
of  fare— from  which  he  called  over  the  dishes.  The  document  was  not 
a  model  of  orthography  in  itself,  and  was  not  made  more  intelligible 
by  KOTOOS'  pronunciation  of  its  ill-spelt  French. 

"  '  Here 's  Potage  a  la  Ramifolle,  MRS.  FLATJNTER,  and  t'other's  a 
Pewrey  de  Cressy.  Try  some  of  these  Roojays  a  la  Cardinal,  PENNY- 
BOY,'  and  then  to  me,  '  There 's  Cabilow,  if  you  prefer  it.'  I  saw  he 
hadn't  the  remotest  notion  what  ' Cabillaud '  meant.  'Thank  you,' 
said  I,  maliciouslyj  '  I  '11  take  cod.'  '  Cod ! '  exclaimed  KOTOO,  much 
disgusted  that  such  a  plebeian  fish  should  be  asked  for  at  his  table. 
'  Cod  !  I  'm  afraid  it 's  not  in  the  menew.'  The  attentive  WALKER, 
however,  had  already  supplied  my  wants,  and  KOTOO  blushed  when  he 
saw  it  was  cod  after  all,  and  very  woolly  cod,  too,  which  GALANTINE 
had  put  off  upon  him  under  the  imposing  foreign  title  of  '  cabillaud.' 
MRS.  KOTOO  is  more  mistress  of  the  tongues  than  her  husband,  and  I 
saw  her  give  KOTOO  such  a  look  ! 

"  It  was  evident  that  in  spite  of  all  MRS.  K.'s  efforts  to  sit  as  if  it 
was  quite  natural  to  her  to  have  dinner  ministered  to  her  by  the 
haughty  hands  of  WALKER  and  his  satellites,  she  was  in  her  secret  soul 
full  of  anxieties.  I  could  not  at  first  understand  this,  for  I  thought 
the  plan  of  leaving  everything  to  GALANTINE  had  this  advantage  at 
least,  of  securing  tranquillity  to  the  master  and  mistress  of  the  house. 
But  I  soon  found  that  it  was  the  waiters  our  hostess  was  nervous 
about.  In  fact  WALKER  had  had  occasion  to  complain  to  her  of  some 
of  his  staff  before  dinner,  and  as  I  sat  with  my  back  to  the  sideboard 
at  one  corner  of  the  table,  I  was  the  involuntary  confidant  of  many  of 
WALKEK'S  difficulties.  He  was  a  general  worthy  of  a  better  army  than 
the  awkward  squad  with  which  GALANTINE  had  provided  him  on  this 
occasion.  I  had  once  or  twice  observed  our  amiable  hostess  wince  as 
one  of  the  waiters  passed  her.  At  last  I  saw  her  exchange  a  rapid 
whisper  with  WALKER.  That  worthy  reddened,  but  recovered  himself, 
and  at  once,  as  if  he  had  merely  received  an  order  in  regular  course, 
made  a  circuit  of  the  table  in  his  usual  magnificent  manner,  with  the 
champagne,  which — I  may  say,  en  passant— did  not  flow  quite  as  freely 
from  his  hands  as  it  might  have  done  if  we  had  helped  ourselves,  or 
each  other.  I  should  say  that  we  were  now  at  what  KOTOO  persisted 
in  calling  the  '  relieves,'  till  MRS.  KOTOO  corrected  him — by  using  the 
word  with  an  exaggerated  stress  on  the  last  syllable,  thus,  'relevays'— 
at  which  sound  PENNYBOY,  who  had  disappeared  from  me  behind  one 
of  the  flower-baskets,  suddenly  emerged  with  an  awakened  face,  and 
the  exclamation  '  Railways  ?  Won't  I  take  any  Hallways,  Ma'am  ? 
Not  if  I  know  it — '  and  then  he  launched  into  a  diatribe  on  the  state 
of  the  Railway  Market,  of  which  nobody  but  MRS.  KOTOO  and  I 
understood  the  relevancy.  While  PENNYBOY  was  on  this  theme — 
which  really  revived  the  flagging  society  for  a  while,  every  one  having 
his  or  her  own  remarkable  experience  of  railway  speculation  to  record 
—I  became  conscious  of  a  serious  drama  in  action  at  the  side-table, 
within  ear-shot  of  my  chair. 

"  This  was  what  passed  in  a  low  whisper : — 

"  Walker  (to  one  of  the  waiters,  in  a  tone  ofdisgitsf).  So  you  've  been 
at  them  iuions,  agin  ! 

"  Waiter  (rapidly,  but  evidently  conscience-stricken).  No— I  aven't, 
leastways  I  never  touched  one  since  last  night,  as  ever  was — which  me 
and  my  wife 

"  Walker  (cutting  him.  short,  as  feeling  that  the  time  will  not  allow  of 
their  going  into  the  subject,  and  with  dignity).  There — remove  them 
kivers — and  don't  breathe  so  'ard. 

"  The  mystery  of  MRS.  KOTOO'S  whisper,  and  the  source  of  a  certain 


JUNE  13,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


241 


whiff — not  of  Araby  the  blest — which  had  been  uaflcd  round  the 
table  as  this  waiter  went  upon  his  busmen  were  now  rxpla-. 

"  It  was  loo  I  rue.    'flic  |.ccc;mt,  attendant,  had  been  at  'them  i 
and  the  accompaniment  of  that  peculiar  did   noi, 

by  any  means  enlianee  the  relish   of  ,\l.    (  IAI.ANTIN  i.'s   Poularde  01 

•.     Kven  had  \\u-hechamel  sauce  been  Je-s  lloiiry,  the  ve 
that  garnished   the  dUi   less   cold    :ind  watery,  and   the  central   fowl 
more  succulent  and  not  so  stringy,  .1  don't,  think  1  could    have  enjou-d 
the  plat,  with  (h-it  waiter  handing  my   plate,      liul    indct  d   th 

fas  pretentious.    'I'iie  l(iur  ''"/<"«•*  had  all  .•• 

resemblance,  whieli  left  it  quite  a  toss  up  whether  \ou  were  at  any 
particular  moment  engaged  on  the  PbAaa 

fate,  or  ou  the  AV.  /,/  ^uri'v  </<'  I'oiii'miilires  or  the 

Epigram/lie  d'  Aijneau,  or  I  he  Aitimlettes  de  pe/i/x  /•<,/««/««;  la  Jian- 
quiere. — (N.B.  I  have  corrected  GALANTINE'S  idiomatic  but  inaccurate 
French.) 

"  All  one  could  swear  to  was  that  everything  was  very  greasy  and 
very  cold,  with  a  very  strong  family  likeness  in  the  way  of  burnt 
onions  and  questionable  butter. 

"  Poor  KOTOO,  however,  revelled  in  the  splendid  variety  of  viands, 
and  went  (foundering  through  the  hard  names  of  the  'menew'  in  (In- 
most, reckless  man  e  of  all  ilu:  winks  and  warning  frowns  of 
his  wife.  Luckily  !•':. MATER,  who  wa.s  the  only  person  at  talilc  able  to 
detect  KOTOO'S  blunders,  was  too  much  absorbed  in  the  thought  of  his 
own  embarrassments  to  pay  much  attention  to  our  host's  indecent 
with  the  French  language.  PKNNYIJOY'S  1  if  any- 
thing, rather  worse  than  KOTOO'S,  and  as  he  shared  with  that 
man  the  ambition  of  discussing  the  cookery,  it  may  be  conceived  what 
work  they  made  of  the  noli!  nie  tongue  between  them. 

'But  it  w;is  a  weary  business,  for  WALKER,  with  all  his  generalship, 
could  not  keep  his  awkward  squad  up  to  their  work,  and  there  were 
the  dreariest  gaps  every  now  and  then  in  the  feeble  and  flagging  con- 
venation ;  and  long  intervals  iu  the  rotation  of  the  food,  colder  than  the 
cold  dishes  ;  and  flaccid  jokes  from  the  Author,  more  mawkish  than  the 
Pain  ele  Pec/ies  au  Nut/tm  of  the,  tait  re/net* :  and  anecdotes  and  smart 

from  the  Reviewer,  meant  to  be  satirical,  but  falling  flan, 
the  mock-Sillery  on  an  audience  iu  u.    His 

sallies  were  many  of  them  clever  enough  and  iU-natuied  enough  to 
have  both  gone  oil'  and  hurt  people  had  it  been  the  time  and  place  for 
such  prandial  pyrotechnics ;  but,  tiring  them  off  here  was  like  thrusting 
lighted  squibs  into  a  heap  of  damp  sand.  And  so  with  long-drawn 
circuits  of  half-cold,  ill-cooked  dishes,  with  rounds  of  indifferent  wine, 
and  a  dropping  lire  of  semi-stagnant  conversation,  the  grand  dinner 
drew  its  slow  length  along. 

'  How  hard  we  all  worked,  too,  to  keep  the  ponderous  machine  going ! 
How  KOTOO  floundered  and  fagged  through  the  mysteries  of  the 
menew,1  and  how  MBS.  KOTOO  perspired  inwardly  in  mingled  awe  of 
WALKER,  and  disgust  at  his  attendant  waiters,  and  laboured  to  seem 
at  home,  and  used  to  the  style  of  thing— an  old  offender,  in  short  up 
to  the  ways  of  the  mill,  and  able  to  get  through  the  appointed  task  in 
good  wind,  and  without,  breaking  her  shins.  And  how  loyally  we  all 
panted  and  tramped  and  lifted  the  weight  of  our  aching  feet  and 
longed  for  the  time  that  should  allow  us  to  get  off  the  instrument  of 
torture.  I  protest  neither  Pentonville  nor  Brixton  has  any  punish- 
ment more  painful.  Like  the  Pentonville  prisoners,  too  we  went 
about  our  work  iu  masks. 

"  And  yet  there  are  many  on  the  mill  for  life,  and  who  have  got  so 
used  to  the  labour  that  they  consider  it  as  the  normal  state  of  existence 
—beings  like  Little  Dorrit,  born  in  the  social  Marshalsea." 


A  TE'JEOTIGillY  EUSSIAN  DIPLOMATIST. 

'I'm:  Vienna  Correspondent  of  the  Tiiiies  says,  that  the  convention 
recently  concluded  between  Russia  and  Persia  was  the  work 
KAL  TsumtMMT's  hand*,  and  that  Hie  EUTKBOX  A  1.1  \  \s  DKII  is 
extremely  well  satisfied  with  the  diplomacy  of  that  officer.  The 
success  of  TSCIIIKKOFF  in  this  negotiation  with  Persia  may  somewhat 
console  the  Russian  Court,  for  the  failnie,  which,  on  the  Treaty  of 
Peace  with  the  Allies,  it  experienced  on  attempting  the  shirk-off  style 
of  diplomacy. 


THE  CUP  THAT  INEBRIATES  AND  NOT  CHEERS. 
"  ME.  PUNCH, 

"THE  QUEEN'S  Bench  reverses  a  decision  of  the  Stafford 
Bench,  which  lined  a  person  for  selling  British  wines  without  a  licence 
JUBQB  EBLK,  dissentient,  held  that  the  nastiness  was  excisable 
LOUD  LAMi'iiEi.L  certainly  plays  Old  Gooseberry  with  the  Current  of 
my  convictions  and  Gingerly  as  I  should  proceed  in  interfering  with 
trade,  his  lordship's  Raisming  does  not  satisfy  me.  Whether  regarded 
as  a  means  of  cheating  children  into  the  idea  that  they  are  drinking 
the  beverage  01  adults,  or  simply  as  a  means  of  making  adults  wish 
with  wry  faces,  that  they  were  drinking  any  other  beverage,  British 
wines  should  be  regarded  by  the  law  with  the  same  disfavour  that  is 
bestowed  on  them  by  civilised  beings.  They  should  be  sold,  if  at  all 
by  the  vendors  of  antimonial  wines,  a  vintage  much  preferred  bv  the 
discerning,  and,  instead  of  no  licence  to  sell  them,  I  would  make  it 
necessary  to  have  a  Special  Licence,  for  I  am  sure  they  trespass  on 
the  Doctor  s  commons. 


"PJIILOP01,o." 


THE    GEOGRAPHY    OF    FASIIION.-A  man  may  appear  extremely 
m    °ndou<  alld  yet  look  llke  tlle  most  confounded  Cockney  in 


REFLECTION  FOR  THE  LOOKING-GLASS. 

IN  reading  Le  Follet  young  ladies  would  do  well  to  have  at  hand  an 
English,  as  well  as  a  French  dictionary ;  as  will  be  evident  from  the 
consideration  of  the  following  passage  on  bonnets,  from  Fashions  for 
June  .— 

"For  neglig^  fancy  straw,  trimmed  with  taffetas  and  straw.  Coloured  straws 
drab,  or  brown,  and  a  mixture  of  crinoline  and  black  ch«uille  will  be  much  in 
vogue,  as  they  are  light,  fresh,  and  coquettish." 

The  word  "  coquettish "  is  one  which  we  should  think  any  young 
lady  would  like  to  know  the  meaning  of  before  adopting  a  style  of 
bonnet  to  which  that  adjective  is  applicable.  The  word  "coquette" 
whence  it  is  derived,  is  defined  in  DR.  JOHNSON'S  Dictionary  to  be— 
what  a  fair  reader  might  consider  whether  she  would  like  to  get  herself 
taken  for  by  wearing  a  coquettish  bonnet,  or  a  bonnet  suitable  to  the 
character  of  a  coquette— tf a  gay,  airy  girl;  who  endeavours  to  attract 
notice.  .Before  she  chooses  one  of  the  bonnets  described  as  coquettish  ] 
she  had  better  ask  herself  if  she  really  deserves  to  be  thought  airy  and  I 
gay;  and  if  to  attract  notice  is  the  object  after  which  she  intends  to 
endeavour. 

Misplaced  Affection. 

•  /  Wife.  Here,  JAMES,  see  what  a  good  little  wifey  I  've  been  in 
your  absence.  Whilst  you've  been  awav,  amusing  yourself,  I've 
cleaned  all  your  pipes.  Look,  Sir,  I  '11  be  bound  you  wouldn't  know 
this  Meerschaum  again  ?  It  looks  nice  and  clean  now,  doesn't  it?— 
though  you  can't  tell,  dear,  what  a  deal  of  time  it  took  me  to  take  all 
the  nasty  colour  and  dirt  off.  I  assure  you  I  had  to  scrape  it  ever  so 
thick  with  an  oyster  knife  ! 

[Poor  JAMES  loots  very  disconsolate,  and  ffazhtg  with  eye*  of  abject  despair  OH  his 
favourite  Meerschaum,  that  had  taken  him  Jive  years'  hard  ^iiokiny  to 
"adotter,"  turns  ut«m  hit  heel,  ami  wipes  away  v 


A    SEVERE  SACRIFICE.— To  be  Sold,  at  a  considerable  reduction,  a 
1  large  Quantity  of  RED  TAPK,  the  present  owner  having  more  upon  his  hands 
than  he  knows  just  at  ;  -t  to  do  with.    Address  to  FREDERICK  FUEL  to  the 

I.OKD  PALMEKSTO.V,  Downing  Street. 


242 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[Ju.xE  13,  1857. 


SERVANTGALISM. 

Mistress.  "  WHY,  NURSE— WHAT  A  TERRIBLE  DISTURBANCE  !— PIIAY,  WHAT  is  THE  MATTER?" 

Nurse  (addicted  to  Pen  and  Ink).  "On,  MUM,  IT'S  DREADFUL  !— HERE 's  NEETHER  ME  NOR  MARY  CAN'T  ANSWER  NONE  OF  OUR 
LETTERS  FOR  THE  RACKETT!" 


SCOTCH  "  CHAINS  AND  SLAVERIE." 

THE  SCOTCH  movement  for  the  erection  of  a  memorial  to  WALLACE 
continues,  and  is  worthy  of  approbation.  It  is  a  little  late  in  the 
day,  perhaps,  but  we  are  not  sure,  however,  that  the  monument 
proposed,  amid  great  applause,  at  a  recent  Scotch  meeting,  is  quite 
generous.  A  speaker  suggested  that  the  memorial  should  represent 

HERCULES  trampling  on  the  tyranny  of  England,  but  bitten  in 
the  heel  by  the  Scotch  aristocracy."  This  device  was  intended,  and 
understood  by  the  meeting,  to  tell  two  ways,  and  not  only  to 
symbohse  the  deeds  of  WALLACE  himself,  but  also  to  satirise  the 
enemies  of  the  Bights  of  Scotland  party  in  the  present  day.  The 
cruel  tyranny  now  exercised  by  England  over  Scotland  is,  assuredly, 
one  of  the  greatest  blots  upon  pur  history.  England  tears  the  Scotch- 
man, shrieking,  from  his  native  earth,  and  drags  him  southward 
strives  (though  rarely  with  success)  to  force  him  to  speak  English  and 
compels  the  innocent  and  disinterested  creature  to  accept  responsible 
and  lucrative  situations,  the  temptations  of  which  finally  debauch  his 
mind  trom  his  original  Arcadia,  and  prevent  his  caring  to  revisit  the 
hallowed  regions  of  Thistledom.  We  are  far  from  seeking  to  palliate  our 
guilt,  and  when  Pharisaical  persons  reprobate  the  African  slave-trade 
and  thank  Providence  that  our  hands  are  washed  of  it,  we  think  of  our 
scotch  slave-trade,  and  blush.  But  is  it  magnanimous,  in  the  great 
nation  north  of  Tweed,  to  erect  a  permanent  record  of  such  a  system 
especially  at  a  time  when  England  is  desirous  to  abrogate  it,  and' 
conscious  of  the  mental  and  literary  beggary  to  which,  as  evidenced  by 
Scottish  speeches  and  writings,  this  southward  drain  has  reduced 
Scotland,  is  almost  uncourteously  anxious  that  she  should  keep  a  few 
of  her  more  intelligent  children  to  herself,  instead  of  leaving  her 
feelings  to  be  represented  by  such  donkeys  as  the  Rights  of  Scotland 
party  !  We  trust  that  the  statue  question  will  be  reconsidered,  and 
we  rather  hope  so,  as  there  appears  to  be  no  great  alacrity  in  subscribing 
the  needful  bawbees. 


THE  WEED.IN  THE  WORKHOUSE. 

_  A  MOMENTOUS  question  to  a  few  poor  old  creatures  was  recently 
discussed  by  the  Oxford  Board  of  Guardians.  It  arose  in  a  debate  on 
the  workhouse  estimates,  the  disputed  point  being,  whether  the  sum 
of  £40  a-year  should  continue  to  be  allowed  for  expenditure  in  snuff 
and  tobacco  for  the  comfort  of  aged  paupers.  The  item  was  objecte  t 
to  by  a  REV.  J.  B.  PRICE  ;  but,  for  the  honour  of  the  cloth,  be  it 
recorded  that  other  clergymen  were  present,  by  whose  better  nature 
that  curmudgeonly  objection  was  overruled.  Among  them  we  have 
the  pleasure  of  mentioning  the  RECTOR  OP  EXETER  and  the  PB.OVOST 
or  QUEEN'S.  Political  economists  need  not  be  shocked  in  ruminating 
on  this  intelligence  over  their  claret.  The  nicotian  luxuries  are  not 
allowed  to  any  of  the  paupers  under  60  years  of  age ;  those  indulgences 
are  granted  only  to  poor  feeble  old  creatures  whom  a  pipe  and  a  pinch 
of  snuff  will  just  enable,  with  some  little  comfort,  to  puff  and  sneeze 
their  lives  out. 


TO  THE  SONS  OE  THE  SUN. 

THE  inventor  of  Collodion  has  died,  leaving  his  invention,  un- 
patented,  to  enrich  thousands,  and  his  family  unportioned,  to  the 
battle  of  life.  Now  one  expects  a  photographer  to  be  almost  as 
sensitive  as  the  Collodion  to  which  MR.  SCOTT  ARCHER  helped  him. 
A  deposit  of  silver  is  wanted  (gold  will  do)  and  certain  faces,  now  in 
the  dark  chamber,  will  light  up  wonderfully,  with  an  effect  never 
before  equalled  by  photography.  A  respectable  ancient,  writes,  that 
the  statue  ol  Fortitude  was  the  anly  one  admitted  to  the  Temple  of 
the  Sun.  Instead  whereof,  do  you,  photographers,  set  up  Gratitude 
in  your  little  glass  temples  of  the  sun,  and  sacrifice,  according  to 
your  means,  in  memory  of  the  benefactor  who  gave  you  the  deity  for 
a  household  god.  Now,  answers  must  not  be  Negatives. 


Flint  " 


/  "™'m  B'»<li>"T.  of  No.  \\  Upper  Woburn  Pkce,  .nd  »»d!rick  Mullet  KTM.,  ,(  So.  ls.  (.wen-.  Eo.d  W,,t  '.e 
XVsi^,p.°*uno°3!'?S7.        6treet>        llW  *""""  "  Whitefr-«"'  fa  «*  Ci'I  "'  !""»«».  «1  Publuhed  1,, 


i  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Fancrta,  la  the  County  of  Middlesex 
Q  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  la  the  FarUh  of  St.  B.ide.  in  the  City  of 


JCWE  1.0,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


243 


DIED  JUNE  STH,  1857. 


Low  lies  tlie'lion-like  grey  head  ; 
The  broad  ami  bright  blue  eye  is  glazed  : 
Quenched  is  that  flashing  wit,  which  bla/>  H, 
The  words  that  woke  it  scarcely  said. 

Those  who  but  rrail  the  writer's  word, 
Midi!  derm  him  bitter:  we  that  knew 
The  man,  all  saw  the  sword  he  drew 
la  tongue-fence,  was  both  shield  and  sword. 

That  sword,  in  the  world's  battle-throng, 
Was  never  drawn  upon  the  meek : 
Its  skill  to  guard  was  for  the  weak, 
Its  strength  to  smite  was  for  the  strong. 


His  sympathy  was  erer  given 

Where  need  for  it  was  sorest  felt : 

In  pity  that  blue  eye  would  melt, 

Which  against  wrong,  blazed  like  the  levin. 

Not  for  his  wit,  though  it  was  rare  ; 
Not  for  his  pen,  though  it  was  keen  ; 
We  sorrow  for  his  loss,  and  lean 
Lovingly  over  that  grey  hair, 

To  place  the  wreath,  befitting  those 
Who  like  good  men  and  true  have  striven ; 
By  God,  not  man,  he  must  be  shriven ; 
Men  guess  and  grope  :  God  sees  and  knows. 


SIDNEY  AT  WORCESTER. 

TEA  duce,  tutus,  was  an  old  saying,  but  it  seems  falsified  in  the  case 
of  that  respected  Tea-dealer,  ALDERMAN  SIDNEY,  who  has  come 
anything  but  safe  out  of  a  matter  wherein  his  tea  has  been  stirred, 
rather  rudely,  by  LORD  CAMPBELL.     SIDNEY  meant  to  have  come  in 
Co i-  \Vorceste_r  at  the  last  election,  but   could  get  only  615  votes, 
which  according  to  him  and  his  friends  would  have  been  dozens  or 
ores  more,  but  for  a  placard  iu  which  he  was  (untruly,  as  he  swears) 
arged  with  an  oppressive  action.    An  information  was  granted  by 
e  Queen's  Bench  against  the  printer  of  the  placard  (who  had  given 
the  author,  and  said  what  the  Judge  considered  to  mean  regret  and 
sire   to   make   reparation),   and   when  the   case  was  heard,   LORD 
.MI-HELL  discharged  the  rule,  remarking  that  the  Alderman  had  not 
nducted  himself  with  propriety.    In  order  to  prove  publication,  the 
dri  man's  brother-in-law,  oneAsH,  went,  it  is  sworn,  to  the  printer's, 
his  absence,  and  sought  by  stratagem  to  get  a  copy  of  the  placard. 
r  'prcnt  iee  had  none,  whereon  ASH  induced  him  to  print  some  copies, 
uling  him  a  knife  to  cut  the  paper.    Having  got  them,  of  course 
wn  came  the  Alderman  on  the  printer.    The  Alderman  said  that  he 
i  not  instruct  ASH  to  perform  this  trick,   but  he  certainly  took 
v  of  it.    LORD  CAMPBELL  said  that  his  affidavits  were  "  dis- 
cniKiusly  framed,"  and  JUSTICE  COLERIDGE,  that  there  was  strong 
und  for  believing  that  the  Alderman  knew  the  way  iu  which  ASH 
d  been  acting. 

.vitly  desire  to  be  permitted  to  believe  the  contrary.  Because 
*  least  creditable  part  of  the  whole  case  appears  to  us  to  be  con- 
cted  with  this  "plant"  of  ASH'S— this,  ash-plant.  The  Alderman 
s  slandered,  lost  his  election,  and  flew  into  a  rage,  in  the  course  of 
ich  HER  MAJESTY'S  H's  were,  no  doubt,  flung  away  in  a  manner 
rible  to  hear.  Bnt  all  this  was  natural,  and  election  wrath  may 
overlooked.  But  if  the  GEORGE  BARNWELL  balladist  is  right, 

"And  none  of  a  'Prentice  should  speak  ill," 

iat  shall  be  said  of  an  Alderman,  a  Father  of  the  City,  once  a  Lord 
ayor  (whom,  said  HORNE  TOOKJS,  a  'prentice  ought  to  believe  the 
eatest  man  on  earth,  or  .would  come  to  be  hanged)  who  permits  or 
ofits  by  a  trick  upon  a  poor  'prentice,  deluded  into  getting  his 
ister  into  grievous  trouble  P  If  JUSTICE  COLERIDOK  be  right,  can 
e  Alderman  ever  look  a  'prentice,  brought  up  for  reprimand,  in  the 
:e  again?  Suppose  the  poor  boy  should  plead,  weepingly,  '  Please, 
'  lord  and  worship,  a  gentleman  made  me  do  it." 
:'A  likely  story,"  says  the  Alderman.  "What  gentleman?  Boy, 
nember,  you  are  iu  the  ands  of  justice,  and  will  have  to  heat  umble- 
i,  if  you  come  any  umbug." 

'I  think  he's  an  Alderman's  relation,  mj  lord,"  the  'prentice  might 
ily.  SIDNEY  would  rush  from  the  benca,  hide  his  nead  iu  a  tca- 
;st,  and  sob  to  the  Hyson. 


No,  Punch  does  not  like  to  think  JUSTICE  COLERIDGE  can  be  right. 
Mr.  P.  has  more  faith  in  Aldermen,  not  to  say  in  Tea-dealers — SIDNEY 
at  Zutphen  gave  cold  water  to  the  poor  soldier — SIDNEY  at  Worcester 
could  not  have  got  the  poor  'prentice  into  hot  water. 


ROMANCE  OF  THE  HIGHLANDS. 

OUR  old  acquaintance,  the  Dumfries  Courier,  relates  the  following 
wonderful  story : — 

"  CONNING  or  THE  Fox. — A  gentleman  in  the  Highlands  sends  us  the  following 
note  : — A  gamekeeper  on  the  estate  near  Lochawe,  who  had  been  annoyed  by  the 
depredation  of  foxes,  discovered  a  kennel  in  a  glen  at  the  side  of  a  small  loch. 
While  watching  one  evening  for  the  appearance  of  the  tenants,  he  observed  a  brace 
of  wild  ducks  floating  on  the  loch.  In  a  little  a  fox  was  seen  approaching  the  water 
side  with  cautions  stfps.  On  reaching  it,  he  picked  up  a  bunch  of  heather  and 
[.laced  it  iu  his  mouth,  so  as  to  cover  his  head  ;  then  slipping  into  the  water,  and 
immersing  all  but  his  nose,  he  floated  slowly  and  quietly  down  to  where  the  birds 
were  quacking  out  delight  in  faucied  security,  seeing  nothing  near  them  but  a 
bunch  of  weed.  In  due  time,  be  neared  the  ducks,  dropped  the  heather  and  substi- 
tuted a  bird,  with  which  he  returned  to  the  loch  side,  and  was  making  oft  to  bis 
young  with  the  prize,  when—  " 

".Come,  I  say,  now,  nonsense  ! "  will  be  the  mental  exclamation  of 
nine  hundred  thousand  nine  hundred  and  ninety-nine  of  our  million 
readers,  on  reaching  this  point  of  our  Scotch  contemporary's  transparent 
romance.  The  conclusion,  however,  of  that  tale  is  still  more  incredible 
than  the  part  preceding ;  too  incredible  even  for  fiction.  The  fox,  as 
above  related,  was  making  off  to  his  young  with  the  duck,  when— 

"  The  keeper,  who  had  noted  all  his  movements,  closed  them  by  the  discharge  of 
his  double  barrel." 

The  idea  of  shooting  a  fox !  As  if  any  Briton,  north  or  south,  could 
be  capable  of  such  an  act !  The  statement  that  a  fox  was  the  victim 
of  such  a  monstrous  atrocity,  is  a  fitting  clincher  to  the  legend  of  his 
miraculous  cunning.  Country  gentlemen  need  not  waste  their  indig- 
nation on  the  anonymous  Highland  keeper.  B^yuard  was  shot  with 
no  double-barrel :  by  no  more  deadly  projectile  than  the  shaft  of  an 
editorial  long  bow.  

Pretty  American  Compliment. 

"  YOUR  English  ladies  are  very  handsome,"  said  a  polite  young 
American  gentleman  to  Mr.  Punch. 

"  Your  American  girls  are  exquisitely  lovely,"  returned  Mr.  Pvnch, 
scorning  to  be  outdone  in  courtesy. 

"  Aye,  girls,  that  is  true,  but  they  fall  off  as  they  count  years.  So 
you  see  your  women  carry  off  the  palm,  and  what 's  more,  it 's  a  palm 
that  will  bear  a  date." 

"  Bless  'em  all,"  said  Mr.  Puxch,  piously.    "  Let 's  liquor." 


244 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  20,  1857. 


FANCY  PORTRAIT.— THE  HON.  MEMBER  FOR  SHEFFIELD. 


'  Right  and  left  its  arrows  fly, 
But  what  they  aim  at  uo  one  dreameth." 


PASTORAL  FROM  THE  HUE  AND 
CRY. 

TELL  me,  ye  Shepherds,  have  you  seen 

My  HUMPHREY  pass  this  way? 
Metiiinks  his  sharp  suspicious  mien 

The  party  would  betray ; 
Some  fifty  years  have  o'er  him  flown ; 

Some  five  feet  eight  he 's  tall : 
Not  corpulent,  but  stout  alone, 

He  is  what  you  would  call. 

The  face  is  round  with  features  small, 

And  bald  the  shining  crown, 
And  sallow  the  complexion  all 

Of  missing  HUMPHREY  BROWN. 
The  whiskers  they  are  small  of  size 

That  grow  upon  his  cheek ; 
And  he  has  dark  and  restless  eyes 

For  whom  we,  roaming,  seek. 

His  wont  it  is  a  body-coat 

Most  commonly  to  wear ; 
His  manner,  too,  may  him  denote, 

So  quick  and  prompt  of  air. 
We  've  sought  him  in  the  rural  vales, 

We  Ve  sought  him  through  the  town ; 
Where'er  we  go  we  load  the  gales 

With  cries  of  "  HUMPHREY  BROWN  ! " 

Oh  !  say  what  shepherd,  nymph,  or  swain, 

Can  information  yield, 
Where  HUMPHREY  wanders  o'er  the  plain, 

Unto  INSPECTOR.  FIELD, 
That  shall  our  swains  to  HUMPHREY  lead, 

And  place  him  in  our  gard  ? 
That  shepherd  shall  receive,  for  meed, 

Two  HUNDRED  POUNDS  REWARD. 


EFFECTS    OF    THE    COMET'S    SHOCK. 


THE   Great  Comet   struck  the  earth    (which,   with  the  moon,  is  , 
as  well  as  can  be  expected)  precisely  at  half-past  two  o'clock  on 
Sunday  last.    The  shock  and  terror  produced  a  most  beneficial  effect  i 
upon  great  numbers  of  persons,  and  among  the  instances  in  which  the  i 
visitation  caused  the  most  satisfactory  results,  Mr.  Punch  has  heard  of 
the  following : — 

MR.  SPOONER,  seeing  an  Irish  Popish  beggar  woman  before  his 
window,  ran  out,  and  gave  her  sixpence.  MR.  NEWDEGATE,  who  had 
been  lunching  with  him,  called  out,  "  Give  her  another  for  me,  and  I  '11 
toss  you  for  the  shilling."  Then,  remembering  it  was  Sunday,  he  re- 
traeted  the  offer,  and  pitched  the  poor  woman  Ealf-a-crown. 

The  Editor  of  the  Morniny  Advertiser,  who  had  just  penned  an 
account  of  the  conversation  at  the  last  Cabinet  Council,  recollected 
that  he  had,  as  a  Member  of  the  Council,  been  sworn  to  secrecy,  and 
made  the  article  into  spills. 

MR.  CHARLES  KEAN  sent  for  a  great  number  of  the  members  of  his 
Company,  forgave  them  for  having  compelled  him  to  discontinue 
speaking  to  them,  and  permitted  them  to  kiss  bis  hand,  and  hear  him 
read  a  complimentary  letter  from  COLONEL  PIIIPPS. 

LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL  wrote  to  LORD  PALMEUSTON,  confessing  that 
he  had  intended  to  accept  office  for  the  purpose  of  upsetting  the 
Government,  but  that  he  had  repented,  and,  to  avoid  temptation,  would 


remain  in  a  back  row.    He  added  that  he  did  not  care  whether  LORD 
SOMERS  would  have  approved  his  conduct  or  not. 

The  BISHOP  OF  OXFORD,  countermanding  his  carnage  and  a  hot 
dinner  and  putting  some  hard  boiled  eggs  into  his  pocket,  walked  over 
to  a  suburb,  and  did  duty  for  a  hard-worked  curate,  with  whom  his 
lordship  afterwards  took  tea,  sharing  the  eggs,  and  never  patronising 
his  host  for  a  moment. 

MR  WIGGLES,  the  comedian,  indignantly  removed  twenty  or  thirty 
pounds  of  wadding  from  the  antipodes  of  a  new  pair  of  farce  trowsers, 
and  resolved  to  rely  for  future  successes  upon  a  blacked  face  or  other 
legitimate  effects.  . 

Mit.  and  MRS.  NAGGER,  who  had  determined  to  apply  for  the 
Dunmow  flitch  of  bacon  on  the  25th,  looked  angrily  at  one  another,  and 
felt  so  ashamed  of  the  hypocrisy  they  had  been  about  to  practise,  that 
MRS.  NAGGER  went  off  to  her  mother's,  and  MB.  NAGGER  to  Herna 
Bay,  to  await  the  passing  of  the  Divorce  Act. 

MR.  G.  W.  M.  REYNOLDS  sent  to  decline  to  contribute  any  longer  to 
the  columns  of  the  Saturday  ltevieu>. 

MR.  LUMLEY  despatched  a  letter  to  MR.  GYE,  offering  to  lend  him 
any  vocalist  at  HER  MAJESTY'S  Theatre,  if  MR.  GYE  thought  of  taking 
a  benefit,  and  his  footman  crossed  a  messenger  from  MR.  GYE  with  an 
offer  to  place  the  elite  of  the  Lyceum  orchestra  at  MR.  LUMLEY  a 
disposal  for  any  intended  revival  in  the  Haymarket. 

DR.  WHEWELL  went  to  SIB  DAVID  BREWSIER  s,  and  sent  up  his 
compliments,  and  a  hope  that  whether  other  worlds  contained  organic 
matter  or  not,  SIR  DAVID  would  come  and  take  a  friendly  smoke  wit! 
him.  SIR  DAVID  came  running  down-stairs,  and  dragged  the  Doctol 
up  to  whiskey  toddy,  and  they  drank  confusion  to  the  solar  system 
generally,  and  everything  else  that  set  sensible  men  squabbling. 

An  IDIOT,  who  was  going  to  forward  some  conscience-money  to  tl 
CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  for  arrears    of  hair-powder  duty 
forgotten  iu  1827,  had  his  mind  sufficiently  enlightened  to  perceive  lua 
folly,  and  he  enclosed  the  cheque  to  the  Westminster  Hospital. 

SIB  EDWARD  BULWER  LYTTON,  w^ho  had  been  meditating  vengeance 
on  the  Times  for  hinting  that  his  morality  (as  a  writer)  was  question- 
able, looked  up  a  definition  of  a  "questionable"  thing,  and  fmdm 
that  it  was  a  thing  which  admitted  of  two  decisions,  philosophical! 
decided  the  point  his  own  way,  and  scut  the  editor  a  splendid  meei 
schaum,  as  a  pipe  of  peace. 

All  the  vendors  of  MORRISON'S  pills  burned  their  stock  and  hanged 
themselves,  as  did  several  Pookselleis  in  Holywell  Street. 

Every  good  and  sensible  person,  except  Mr.  Punch,  took  up  the  last 
number  of  that  gentleman':*  publication. 

Mr.  Punch  began  to  writi  the  number  now  in  the  hands  of  the  reader 


JUNE  20,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


245 


SCENE- OMNIBUS,  DRAWN  BY  QUADRUPEDS  WITH 

PROMINENT  RIBS. 

Gent.  "On,  AH!— AND  WHAT  DO  YOU  FEED  THE  HORSES  ox?" 
Driver.   "BUTTER-TUBS — DON'T  YEB  SEE  THE  'Oops!" 


:  ]  LYING  NOTES  FROM  THE  NOTE-BOOK  OF 
THE  (;I;AND  DUKE  CONSTANTINE. 

(Tal-m  d   Vol  iTAtgle  during  hit/our-and-tvrnty  ttovri'  tlay  in  England.') 

Liberty  of  the  Prest. — The  privilege  of  insulting  one's 
superiors  with  impunity. 

Climate. — Smells  of  beer,  fog,  and  licentiousness. 

British  Jrmy.—'l\iy  soldiers.  One  French  soldier  would 
lifk  t!:i  one  Russian  soldier  would  lick  three 

French  ditto.  Fiat  Crimean  campaign  passim. 

English  Maidens.  Attenuated  pieces  of  insipidity,  aver- 
aging five  and  six  feet  long,  with  red  hair  and  noses  to 
Can't  talk  French. 

Prime  Minister.— The  greatest  slave  in  the  world— the 
slave  of  the  people.  He  fancies  he  rules  the  mob.  Fool! 
it  is  the  mob  that  rules  him. 

British  Officer. — One  who  joins  the  army  to  enjoy  his 
competency,  and  to  prove  his  incompetency. 

English  Art.—'\\\K  execution  so  terrible  that,  as  at  a 
military  execution,  every  person,  wlio  is  exposed  to  it, 
ouirht  to  have  his  eyes  bandaged  first. 

British  JVar.y.— Very  pretty  ornaments  for  the  outside 
of  Russian  walls. 

Sir  CAarles  Aapier.—I  do  not  know  whether,  like  PETER 
THE  GREAT,  he  ever  worked  at  Woolwich  Dockyard,  but 
certainly  no  one  lias  ever  done  the  Russian  navy  so  much 
service  since  the  days  of  our  first  CZAR.  Scratch  his  dear 
old  poll,  and,  I  am  sure,  as  NAPOLEON  said  of  every 
Russian,  you  would  lind  a  Cossack  underneath. 

Portsmouth.  —  Not  a  bad  position  for  a  Russian 
Harbour. 

The  British  Empire— A.  nice  little  hunting  ground  some 
day  for  Russia  to  shoot,  over. 

Pullic  Opinion. — The  despotism  of  the  man}'. 

Sir  Robert  Pfel. — His  hot  blood  wants  cooling  a  little  in 
a  refrigerator  like  Siberia. 

Reform. — The  Toy  t  h.it  a  statesman  throws  to  the  British 
public  the  moment  it  begins  making  a  noise.  It  is  perfectly 
harmless,  and  it  is  not  of  the  slightest  consequence  how 
often  it  gets  broken.  Tbe  liberation  of  the  Serfs  in  Russia 
— the  Constitution  in  Spain — the  Charter  in  Prussia — are 
all  toys  constructed  upon  the  same  hollow  principle. 

London. — A  monster  money-box — the  largest,  perhaps, 
in  the  world  —  but  of  no  value  beyond  the  money  it 
contains. 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

Jiine  SM,  Monday.  A  petition  was  presented  to  the  Lords,  and  it 
is  ditlicult  to  say  wliether  there  was  more  impudence  in  concocting  or 
in  patronizing  such  a  document.  LORD  MALMESHUHY  produced  a 
demand  from  some  Proctors  for  compensation  !  The  House  received 
it  with  a  contempt  too  deep  for  the  slightest  outward  demonstration. 
LORD  GREY  then  stated,  at  great  length,  the  hard  case  of  a  MR. 
SHEDDON,  a  sufferer  by  the  misconduct  of  trustees,  as  well  as  by 
inability  to  prove  a  marriage  of  which  there  was  no  moral  doubt. 
The  Law  Lords  advised,  however,  that  his  wrongs  should  not  be 
redressed,  and  his  appeal  was  rejected. 

lu  the  Commons,  MR.  DANIEL  O'CONNELL  demanded  what  was 
going  to  to  done  for  the  unfortunate  victims  of  the  Superannuation 
swindle,  and  the  CHANCELLOR  OP  THE  EXCHEQUER  satisfactorily 
replied  that  actuaries  had  been  (old  .to  look  into  the  matter,  and  that 
these  actuaries  wanted  masses  of  documents,  and  had  made  no  report, 
and  so  the  Government  had  given  no  particular  attention  to  the 
(object.  Mr.  Punch  hopes  that  MR.  O'CoNNELL  will  agitate,  more 
majoris,  until  the  Civil  Servants  are  emancipated. 

The  Jew  Bill  was  read  a  second  time  without  opposition,  but  SIR 
FREDERICK  THESIGER  will  Christianise  it,  if  he  can,  in  Committee. 
It  would  be  an  advantage  if  he  could  perform  the  same  operation  upon 
some  of  its  opponents  and  promoters. 

The  Civil  Servants  were  then  taken  up  again,  LORD  GODERICH 
strenuously  advocating  the  principle  of  competition.  The  CHANCELLOR 
OP  THE  EXCHEQUER  objected  to  applying  it  to  subordinates,  whom  he 
would  prefer  only  to  examine.  He  would  not  place  all  the  porters  at 
Somerset  House  in  a  row,  and  ask  them  questions  as  to  who  built 
Somerset  House,  and  what  became  of  him,  and  what  a  somerset  is, 
and  whether  it  has  anything  to  do  with  summer,  or  other  queries  like 
o  usefully  addressed  to  the  humbler  servants  of  the  State, 
letting  them  take  one  another  down  as  in  classes;  but  he  had  no 
objection  to  examine  each  porter  separately,  and  put  him  through  his 
multiplication  table  and  his  table  of  cab-distances. 


SiRW.F.  WILLIAMS  OF  KARS,  defended  Aldershott,  the  expendi- 
ture for  which,  he  said,  no  one  would  regret— if  the  camp  were 
properly  carried  out.  There  is  a  good  deal  of  virtue,  or  rather  of  its 
reverse,  in  that  "  if."  Kars  would  not  have  been  defended  so  well  had 
its  fortress  been  a  chateau  where  "if"  was  allowed — a  Chateau  d'If. 

The  author  of  Eothen  does  not  altogether  approve  of  the  ATTORNET- 
GESERAL'S  Bill  about  Fraudulent  Trustees,  nor  does  LORD  ST. 
LEONARDS,  who  has  got  one  of  his  own.  They  fear  that  if  you  make 
a  trustee  too  liable,  you  will  be  able  to  get  no  trustees  at  all,  and 
truly  the  condition  of  such  an  official,  surrounded  by  a  family  of 
v.  hieh  MR.  PECKSNIFF,  MR.  SPOTTLETOE,  and  MESSRS.  CHUZZLEWIT, 
fjere  etjiit,  are  types,  to  say  nothing  of  more  keen-eyed  and  vindictive 
feminine  legatees,  all  disappointed,  and  all  hating  testator,  trustee, 
and  one  another,  need  not  be  aggravated  by  empowering  any  of  them 
to  prosecute  him  criminally.  On  the  other  hand,  a  great  many 
trustees,  especially  attorney  trustees,  are  most  thundering  rogues, 
whom  one  would  like  to  be  able  also  to  describe,  irrespective  of  their 
size,  as  Hulking  rogues. 

The  first  Savings'  Bank  Bill>f  this  Session  having  been  amended 
into  a  muddle,  a  second  was  substituted,  which  has  been  read  a 
second  time.  SIR  BENJAMIN  HALL  has  introduced  a  bill  enabling  his 
department  to  "  acquire  a  site  "  for  the  new  Public  Offices.  Mr.  Punch 
Laving  acquired  a  sight  of  the  designs  in  Westminster  Hall,  hopes 
that  the  Judges,  now  in  conclave,  will  bear  a  particularly  wary  eye 
upon  them,  as  he  knows  everything  about  all  the  architects,  and  their 
respective  influences  and  intimacies ;  and  if  he  finds  that  Court-favour, 
or  any  other  consideration  but  merit,  has  induced  the  selection,  not 
one  of  those  Judges  will  ever  again  be  able  to  reside  where  Punch 
is  read, that  is  to  say,  anywhere  in  the  world,  except,  perhaps,  in  some 
hitherto  undiscovered  island  in  the  Caribbean  Sea. 

Tuesday.  LORD  ELLENBOROUGII  delivered  an  alarmist  speech  about 
the  mutinies  in  our  Indian  Army.  Among  other  terrors,  he  was 
hideously  afraid  that  LOUD  CANNING,  the  Governor-General,  had  been 
taking  some  step  which  showed  that  he  thought  Christianity  a  true 
religion,  but  this  damaging  accusation  was  happily  explained  away. 


246 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  20,  1857. 


LORD  LANSDOWNE  was  almost  sure  LORD  CANNING  could  not  so  far 
have  misconducted  himself. 

After  the  second  reading  of  the  PRINCESS'S  Dowry  Bill  (to  which 
little  pecuniary  matter  Mr.  Punch  alludes  only  in  order  to  have  an 
opportunity  of  congratulating  his  young  friend  V.  A.  M.  L.  on  the 
arrival  of  F.  W.,  who  ran  across  to  see  V.,  and  also  to  see  the  Ascot 
Cup  won  by  BROTHER  ZETLAND,  G.M.),  the  Lords  went  at  the 
Divorce  Bill  again  in  Committee.  The  Chancellor  inserted  clauses 
giving  a  deserted  husband  the  same  right  to  ask  for  divorce  as  a 
deserted  wife:  for  making  both  jEoisTHUs  and  CLYIEMNESTBA 
defendants  in  the  suit  by  AGAMEMNON,  and  for  giving  the  Court  power 
to  fine  the  first,  up  to  £10,000,  to  which  the  BISHOP  of  OXFORD 
carried  an  amendment  (by  43  to  33)  for  making  the  penalty  fine  and 
imprisonment,  or  fine  or  imprisonment.  LORD  WENSLEYDALE,  who, 
by  the  way,  seems  no  such  valuable  addition  to  the  strength  of  the 
aristocratic  company,  for  he  is  always  taking  a  mere  lawyer's  view  of 
cases,  tried  to  prevent  the  wrong-doers  from  making  such  reparation  to 
one  another  and  to  society  as  marriage  may  be  considered  to  offer,  but 
he  was  defeated  by  37  to  28,  ARCHBISHOP  SUMMER'S  clause  against 
the  sinner's  marrying  at  all  having  also  been  got  rid  of.  The  Lords 
have  nearly  done  with  the  Bill,  but  not  quite. 

In  the  Commons,  SIR  F.  TIIESIGER'S  dislike  to  the'  Jews  led  him 
to  introduce  a  Bill  for  abolishing  the  Grand  Jewrv.  This  is  an  excel- 
lent measure,  whatever  may  have  prompted  it,  the  .jury  in  question 
being  known  as  "  the  hope  6f  the  London  thief."  It  is  to  be  retained, 
however,  as  the  hope  of  the  London  traitor,  and  so,  if  the  ambitious 
Wiscount  of  Lambeth,  not  satisfied  with  his  hypothetical  coronet,  should 
aim  at  snatching  the  Crown  from  the  head  of  his  SOVEREIGN,  and 
sticking  it  on  his  own  skull,  (mind,  we  do  Hot  know  that  he  has  any 
such  intentions,  but  sudden  honours  drive  small  intellects  to  queer 
courses,)  he  will  have  to  go  before  a  Grand  Jury,  on  his  way  to  the  block. 
Let  him  be  warned  by  the  fate  of  NORTHUMBERLAND,  ESSEX,  LADY 
JANE  GREY,  and  (as  he  would  say)  other  unfortunate  noblemen. 

Another  Tory  lawyer,  SLR  F.  KELLY,  brought  in  a  Bill  for  reform- 
ing the  law  regarding  Wills,  made  abroad  by  British  subjects,  which 
he  proposes  shall,  wherever  made,  be  admitted  to  probate  here.  This, 
again,  is  highly  expedient,  but  SIR  RICHARD  BETHELL  did  not  much 
favour  the  proposal,  and  objected  to  knock  over  the  rule  that  mobilia 
sequuntur  personam.  He  laid  as  much  stress  on  this  as  if  he  had 
never  moved.  Mr.  Punch's  experience  is  the  other  way,  and  so  far 
from  moveables  always  following  the  person,  the  last  time  he  moved 
he  lost  a  hat-brush,  the  Peerage,  a  tortoise-shell  comb  and  cat,  a  toast- 
rack,  his  slippers,  his  big  sponge,  a  Little  Warbler,  the  key  of  his  meat 
safe,  a  white  waistcoat,  eleven  volumes  of  the  copy  of  ALISON'S  History 
of  Europe  which  he  always  keeps  under  his  pillow,  and  a  beautiful  bit 
of  transparent  shaving  soap ;  and  besides  this,  if  he  hadn't  sequuntur'd 
a  personam  who  was  cutting  away  with  his  fishing-rod,  umbrella,  and 
camp-stool,  and  treated  that  personam  to  an  indignant  wunner  that 
made  him  surrender  his  ill-gotten  booty  and  bawl  for  mercy,  Mr.  P. 
could  not  have  made  a  holiday  which  he  has  now  in  contemplation.  SIR 
RICHARD  speaks  unadvisedly  therefore,  as  a  person  had  better  follow 
his  moveables,  if  he  wishes  to  keep  them.  A  Lunatic  Board  for 
Scotland  and  Reformatory  Schools  for  England  came  under  consider- 
ation, with  another  useful  measure  or  two,  and  the  night  was  by  no 
means  wasted. 

Wednesday.  Nor  was  the  following  day,  when  MR.  KER  SEYMER, 
taking  a  honest  pint  pot  in  his  hand,  did  knock  down  MR.  HARDY  in  a 
very  superior  manner.  To  drop  metaphor,  elegant  though  it  be 
HARDY'S  Beer  Bill,  professedly  intended  to  make  the  humbler 
classes  sober  by  force  ot  police,  and  really  calculated  to  increase  the 
power  and  wealth  of  the  Big  Brewers,  who  do  as  they  please  with  a 
good  many  of  the  pompous  but  subservient  licencing  magistrates,  and 
a  Bill,  therefore^  in  neither  view  respectable,  was  kicked  out  by  a 
majority  of  XXXIII.  whose  health,  and  that  of  those  who  voted  with 
them,  Mr.  Punch  proceeds  to  drink  in  XXX. 

Three  little  reforms,  prettily  described  by  TOM  DUNCOMBE  as  a 
bouquet  tendered  to  VISCOUNT  PALMERSTON' (doubtless  the  gallant 
IHOMAS  has  tendered  prettier  bouquets  in  his  time)  were  rejected  all 
because  of  the  grand  reform  which  is  coming  next  year. 

Thurtday.  In  the  Lords  the  only  remarkable  thing  said  was  by  LORD 
LIFFORD,  who,  to  the  wrath  of  the  CHANCELLOR,  alluded  to  the 

robberies  and  delays  "  of  the  Court  of  Chancery.  CRANNY  made  the 
answer  which  lawyers  have  repeated  until  they  almost  believe  it  them- 
selves, that  it  is  always  the  fault  of  the  parties,  not  of  the  Court 

The  Duchy  of  Lancaster  was  invaded  by  MR.  WISE,  who  was 
repulsed  by  the  gallant  BAIXES  who  slaughtered  WISE'S  main  argument 
and  took  the  reason  of  the  hearers  prisoner.  MR.  KINNAIRD  then 
invaded  India,  but  scarcely  anybody  stayed  to  see  the  fight,  which  was 
upon  the  question  whether  justice  was  done  to  the  inhabitants  of  the 
lower  provinces  of  Bengal.  Mr.  Punch  is  no  alarmist,  but  is  bound  to 
say  that  some  of  the  Bengal  lights  thrown  on  the  subject  burn  bluer 
than  he  could  wish.  The  India  House  seems  very  wrath  with  the 
Missionaries  for  trying  to  benefit  the  bodies  as  well  as  the  souls  of  the 
natives.  By  119  (who  came  in  to  vote)  to  18  the  Honse  decided  that 
the  question  should  not  be  decided  at  all  - 


Friday.  The  most  interesting  topic  taken  in  hand,  or  mouth,  was  a 
complaint  by  a  Lord,  and  by  a  Common,  upon  the  subject  which 
Mr.  Punch  has  illustrated  in  his  Grand  Cartoon,  and  in  reference  to 
which  (by  a  curious  coincidence)  his  friend  MADAME  DE  TOURNURE 
has  requested  him  to  insert  her  'circular.  The  Government  promised 
to  do  something,  some  of  these  days,  for  the  Ladies. 


TRAINING    FOR    COURT. 

(Circular). 

MADAME  DE  TOURNURE,  directress  of  the  celebrated  and  fashion- 
able Belgravian  establishment  for  finishing  young  ladies  of  the 
superior  classes,  would,  on  an  ordinary  occasion,  shudder  at  the  vulgarity 
of  advertising  an  institution  to  which  introductions  of  the  very  highest 
order  are  the  only  means  of  procuring  entrance ;  but  the  season  is 
rapidly  passing,  time  presses,  and  the  crisis  demands  the  sacrifice  of 
ordinary  rule  and  natural  repugnance. 

The  only  mode  in  which  Ladies  can  DOW  obtain  admission  to  the 
presence  of  their  respected  SOVEREIGN,  upon  reception  days,  is  by  a 
display  of  gymnastic  power  which  is  scarcely  developed  by  the  course 
of  calisthenic  exercise  to  which  the  interesting  pupils  of  MADAME  DE 
TOURNURE  are  habitually  submitted.  ••  In  addition,  the  extraordinary 
arrangements  of  that  revered  nobleman,  the  LORD  CHAMBERLAIN, 
who  has  been  singularly  successful  in  assimilating  the  proceedings  at 
a  Drawing  Room  to  those  at  a  steeple-chace,  have  necessitated  the 
acquisition  by  a  lady  of  accomplishments  beyond  those  of  the  curtsey, 
the  carriage  step,  and  the  other  branches  of  fashionable  education. 

Deeply  regretting  the  necessity  of  adopting  this  plebeian  method  of 
addressing  those  who  honour  MADAME  DE  TOURNURE  with  their 
cpnlidence,  that  lady  begs  to  announce  that  she  has  opened  an  Academy 
(in  connection  with  her  establishment  in  Belgravia)  for  the  purpose  o'f 
preparing  Ladies  to  pay  their  homage  to  their  QUEEN. 

Training  being  the  first  requisite  for  gymnastic  success.MADAME 
DE  TOURNURE  has  secured  the  services  of  those  eminent  Professors 
SIGNOR  CONKI  and  HERR  NAPP  PEPPER,  who  preside  over  the 
seclusion  to  which  the  more  distinguished  members  of  the  Prize  Ring 
are  consigned,  preparatory  to  their  engaging  in  pugilistic  encounter. 
The  time  for  training,  this  year,  is  necessarily  brief ;  out  the  professors 
assure  MADAME  DE  TOURNURE  that  raw  mutton  chops,  liglit  claret, 
exercise,  and  early  hours,  will  put  a  spirited  young  lady  into  such 
condition  that  even  in  a  fortnight  wagers  would  be  laid  upon  her 
demolishing  any  pampered  menial  who  should  endeavour  to  hinder 
her  advance  into  the  Palace. 

MADAME  DE  TOURNURE  has  caused  her  Academy  to  be  fitted  up  in 
imitation  of  the  arrangements  at  the  Palace,  and  her  Pupils  will  be 
taught  the  best  means  of  encountering  the  crush,  the  fight,  the  weari- 
ness, and  the  scramble,  and  then  of  emerging,  all  grace  and  composure, 
into  the  Throne  Room. 

An  eminent  steeple-chaser,  under  the  direction  of  the  accomplished 
author  of  Soapey  Sponge,  has  constructed  some  low  walls  and  hedges, 
over  which  a  lady  pupil,  practising  for  the  Drawing  Room,  will  leap. 
To  avoid  chance  of  accident,  the  floor  is  laid  with  the  softest 
mattrasses,  but  attendants  will  also  stand,  in  uniform,  to  catch  any 
lady  who  fails  to  clear  the  obstacle.  A  system  of  elbow  exercise,  by 
means  of  which  a  moderately  plump,  or  even  a  less  fully  developed  arm, 
will  speedily  open  the  owner's  way  through  a  crowd,  has  been  invented, 
and  will  form  cart  of  the  instruction. 

In  order  to  familiarise  a  debutante  with  the  language  and  manners 
wliich  will  assail  her  in  the  enraged  crowd  surrounding  her  on  her  way 
to  the  SOVEREIGN,  MADAME  DE  TOURNURE  has  engaged  some  actors 
and  actresses  from  the  principal  Metropolitan  theatres,  who  will  be 
costumed  as  generals,  bishops,  noblemen, .  dowagers,  and  others,  and 
will  give  a  faithful  representation  of  the  struggle,  the  pupil  making 
her  way  among  them.  Although  it  would  be  improper  to  permit  in 
the  Academy  such  language  as  is  used  in  the  throng  at  the  Palace,  the 
artists  in  question  will  growl,  storm,  and  employ  words  sounding  so 
like  naughty  ones,  as  to  have  the  desirable  effect  upon  the  ear. 

By  next  year,  MADAME  DE  TOURNURE  has  no  doubt  of  forming  her 
pupils  into  a  band  of  Amazons,  for  whom  the  Palace  will  have  no 
terrors,  but  even  this  season,  she  trusts  to  be  enabled  .'materially  to 
assist  ladies  into  the  presence  of  HER  MAJESTY. 

To  avoid  the  destructive  and  expensive  results  of  a  Drawing  Room 
upon  the  toilette,  MADAME  DE  TOURNURE  has  purchased  from  a 
theatrical  manager  (who  had  procured  them  for  a  play  of  the  date  of 
CHARLES  THE  ^SECOND),  a  quantity  of  costumes  of  the  time  of  GEORGE 
THE  FIRST.  They  may  be  crushed,  torn,  and  otherwise  damaged  in 
the  lesson,  and  will  be  repaired  by  the  under-teachers  every  evening. 
Imitation  jewellery,  to  be  dragged  off  and  searched  for,  will  also  be 
supplied,  and  cheap  fans  will  be  furnished. 

SEmns: 

One  Lesson,  from  Carriage  to  QUEEN  .       .       .    Five  Guineas. 

Six  ditto,  Complete  Instruction  ....    Twenty  Guineas. 

Course  of  Training,  gymnastics,  the  leap,  and  all  extras    Fifty  Guineas. 
Every  Lady  mutt  bring  her  mm.  sal  volatile  and  sticking-ylaitter,  and  tlie  legibly  written 
address  of  her  Medical  Attendant. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  L 


TRAINING-SCHOOL  FOR  LAI 


A.KIVARI.— JCNE  20,  1867. 


BOUT  TO  APPEAR  AT  COURT. 


JUNE  20,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


251 


HOMAGE    TO    KING    HANDEL. 

HEN  these  words 
are  made  public 
there  will  be  but 
one  chance  left  to 
profit  by  them; 
Punch  will  not 
therefore  be  de- 
terred from  ex- 
horting that  small 
remnant  of  his 
London  readers 
who  have  not 
thought  it  worth 
their  while  to  at- 
tend the  Syden- 
ham  Festival,  at 
once  to  take  a 
second  thought 
about  the  matter 
B  stall  ticket. 

They  will  not  merely  get  their  fullest  guinea's  worth  of  present  delectation,  but 
will  acquire  a  small  fortune  of  pleasant  recollections.  "  A  thing  of  beauty  is  a  joy 
for  ever:"  aud  there  are  so  many  beautiful  things  inhraelin  Egypt,ihak  no  chance 
should  be  lost  of  making  their  addition' to  one's  store  of  joyous. memories. 

But  although  this  may  be  said  of  any  HANDEL  performance,  there  are  at  least 
two  thousand  more  than  ordinary  reasons  why  Punch  should  impress  it  in  the 
prospect  of  next  Friday.  Everybody  knows  that  of  all  oratorios  Israel  in  Egypt  is 
most  famous  for  its  chorusses.  And  these  are  given  generally  by  some  five  hundred 
strong,  while  fifteen  hundred  more  will  sing  in  them  at  Sydenham.  It  has  been 
said  that  HANDEL  had  a  wish  to  introduce  a  cannon  in  a  chorus,  and  thought  that 
a  ten-pounder  part  would  prove  a  most  effective  addition  to  the  score,  and  be 
pretty  sure  to  go  off  stunningly.  But  what  would  he  have  given  to  command  such 
a  battery  as  F.  M.  COSTA'S,  where  every  note  that  issues  is  a  2,000  pounder ! 

Mr.Punch\\s&  little  doubt  that  he  would  quite  maintain  his  prophetic 'reputation 
were  he  to  anticipate  the  praises  of  the  press,  and  to  write  beforehand  an  eulogistic 
criticism,  giving  commendation  t,o  every  one  who  had  a  hand  or  a  voice  in  the 
performance — from  the  deepest  of  the  bass  down  to  (speaking  locally)  the  highest 
of  the  trebles— from  COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF  COSTA  up  to  (speaking  locally)  the 
artistes  who  assisted  in  the  blowing  of  the  organ-bellows.  Mr. -Punch,  if  so 
inclined,  could  with  ease  proceed  to  |  take  a  leaf  out  of  the  note-books  of  those 
clairvoyant  critics,  who  are  so  unbiassed  by  their  sense  of  hearing  that  they  can 
write  down'  their  opinion  of  a  musical  performance  quite  as  well  before  as  after 
I  liry  have  listened  to  it.  It  is  thetbusiness  of  these  ready  writers  to  keep  con- 
stantly on  hand  a  stock  of  critical  expressions  which  will  be  found  suitable  to 
every  emergency ;  and  by  the  clairvoyance  9f  their  craft  they  are  enabled  to 
foresee  how  a  concert  will  go  off,  and  to  furnish  a  fore-chronicle  of  its  minutest 
details.  Taking  the  Morning  Herald  for  his  guide  (which  paper  lately  published  a 
critique  of  a  performance  that  had  never  taken  place),  Mr.  Punch  would  undertake 
at  a  few  moments'  notice  to  supply  a  most  discriminating  criticism  of  the  Festival 
—prophetically  stating  what  points  were  missed,  and  which  were  made  the  most 
of,  what  applause  was  sriven,  and  out  of  how  many  encores  the  performers  would 
have  certainly  been  swindled  but  for  the  timely  intervention  of  himself  and  the 
police. 

With  the  power  he  possesses  to  direct  his  vision  clean  into  the  middle  of  next 
week,  nothing  would  be  easier  than  for  Mr.  Punch  to  enter  into  the  most 
microscopic  details,  and  give  a  full  statistical  account  of  the  exact  number  of 
handkerchiefs  that  were  waved  to  the  performers,  and  of  the  precise  duration  of 
the  olurr*  with  which,  at  the  close  of  their  week's  work,  they  were  greeted ;  and 
Mr.  Punch  would  specially  delight  in  chronicling  how,  by  way  of  a  finale,  the 
happy  notion  was  conceived  of  bath-chairing  MR.  COSTA,  who  thereupon  was  seated 
in  his  car  of  triumph,  and  dragged  by  a  well-chosen  team  of  his  prettiest  soprani 
and  contralti  round  the  building. 

By  the  time  t  hat  Mr.  Punch's  next  week's  notice  can  be  issued,  the  vocabulary 
of  criticism  will  have  been  thoroughly  exhausted,  and  the  most  original  and  freshest 
of  expressions  will  run  the  risk  of  Deing  regarded  as  mere  plagiaries.  There  is, 
consequently,  now  the  more  temptation  to  resort  to  his  prophetic  faculties,  and 
to  let  liis  readers  know  what  he  tnought  of  the  Great  Festival,  before  it  became 
stale  news  for  them  to  hear  it.  Mr.  Punch  quite  expects  that  the  magnitude  of  the 
effect  will  be  found  much  in  excess  of  that  of  preparation,  although  !for  weeks 
he  has  been  hearing  that  the  minutest  note  will  be  on  such  a  major  scale,  that  it 
will  be  difficult  to  find  words  big  enough  to  talk  of  it.  Yet  in  addition  to  the 
statement  that  the  leaves  of  the  music-books  would  quite  suffice  to  paper— on  both 
sides  of  it— the  Great  Wall  of  China,  and  if  piled  in  double  heap,  would  far  out-top 
the  Ancles ;  Mr.  Punch  expects  that  he  will  next  week  have  to  chronicle  the  fact, 
that  the  buttons  which  were  burst  by  the  Stentors  of  the  chorus  measured,  when 
picked  up,  precisely  one-and-twenty  bushels :  while  not  only,  as  a  correspondent 
of  the  Times  discovered,  were  the  notes  of  the  great  organ  plainly  audible  at 
Norwood,  but  every  beat  of  the  big  drum  was  most  distinctly  heard  at  Brighton, 
and  several  of  the  chorusses  were  listened  to  at  Calais. 

With  the  foreknowledge  of  these  facts  it  can  be  no  wonder  that  Mr.  Puitrh 
should  consider  the  Sydenham  Festival 'as  being  the  Eighth  Wonder  of  the  Musical 
World,  and  should  thus  exhort  his  readers  to  avoid  the  disgrace  which  he  hopes 
will  attach  to  those  who  wilfully  were  absent.  For  it  is  as  much  a  duty  as  a 


Measure  to  attend  there.  The  King  of  Composers  is  now 
jolding  his  Court  at  the  Crystal  Palace,tand  with  such 
jomp  and  circumstance  as  never  has  been'  equalled.  Let 
,hen  every  faithful  subject  not  fail  to  pay  him  tribute  (a 
lalf  guinea  will  suffice,  if  he  can't  afford  a  whole  one),  and 
srove  his  loyalty  to  the  Monarch  of  Music,  by  bringing  to 
KINO  HANDEL  the  homage  of  his  presence. 


TIIK  PARLIAMENTARY  PUNSTER. 

BY  OUR  SAVAGB   CONTRIBUTOR. 

A  PUN  may  have  wit,  but  a  punster's  a  calf, 

(Blest  Punch  !  who  this  lesson  enforcest) 
And  of  all  the  coarse  ways  of  obtaining  a  laugh, 

A  joke  on  a  name  is  the  coarsest. 
You  block  head,  you  dullard,  you  nuisance,  you  clod, 

\Vho  think  such  things  wit  (an  illusion), 
Go  down  to  the  House,  or  sit  down  with  your  DOD, 

There 's  food  for  your  wit,  in  profusion. 

Here  comes  MR.  HUME,  he  should  pair,  you  can  say, 

With  the  member  out  there,  MR.  SM.OLLET  i , 
And  if  your  next  joke  couples  DUNCAN  and  GRAY, 

(Who  "came  here  to  woo,")  I  '11  extol  it. 

i;s.  DAVEY  and  JONES  you'll  connect,  Sir,  Itrust, 

\Vit  h  the  locker  whose  lias  never  rise, 
MR.  STEEL  you  '11  send  off  with  his  friend,  MB.  RUST, 

While  together  go  MERRY  and  \VisK. 

And  next,  you  great  ass,  you  can  pair  MB,  LUCE 

With  that  eminent  architect,  TITE, 
And  say  MESSRS.  MOODY  and  CROSS  are  of  use, 

But  you  think  MR.  ELAND'S  more  polite. 
And  then  MR.  CLAY  will  your  fancy  provoke, 

SIB.  POTTER  can  make  him  obey, 
Unless  you  insist,  as  a  smoking-room  joke, 

That  CAVENDISH  must  go  with  clay. 

MR.  PEASE  will  of  course  find  a  match,  MR.  WARRE, 

MR.  COOPER  roll  off  MR.  BUTT»: 
And  you  '11  hope  that  the  House  will  well  legislate  for 

Every  House,  from  the  HALL  to  the  HCTT. 
MR.  HACKBLOCK,  you  '11  say,  will  attack  SIR  C.  WOOD, 

MR.  LOWE  not  be  HEARD,  you  young  Pagan, 
And  Oliver  Twist  suggests  one  (rather  good), 

You  can  pair  WILLIAM  SYK.BS  off  with  FAGAN. 

Then  JACKSON  and  GRAHAM  you  '11  say  must  have  sealed 

A  partnership  treaty,  of  course,  man : 
If  you  see  a  poor  HORSFALL.  the  horse  will  have  NEELD, 

And  the  rider  have  proved  a  bad  HORSMAN. 
A  wretched  slow  joke  on  EAST,  WESTERN,  and  NOBTH, 

You  may  bring,  if  you  can,  with  a  blush  out, 
And  advise  shutting  doors  when  a  bore  launches  forth, 

That  a  LOCKE  may  thus  hinder  a  RUSHOUT. 

If  over  the  list  of  the  members  you  fag  well, 

To  TAYLOR  a  SCHNEIDER  you  '11  stitch. 
And  say  that  a  party  who  knows  how  to  BAGWELL 

Will  one  of  these  days  become  RICH. 
MR.  CARTER  puts  shoulder  to  shove  the  state  weal, 

MR.  GRACE'S  chief  action 's  in  angles, 
MR.  PATTEN  's  a  clog  on  all  ill-judging  zeal,  j 

No  logic  can  turn  MR.  MANGLES. 

That  KER'is  a  dog  of  exceeding  good  blood, 

That  HASTIE  's  a  bit  of  a  drawler, 
Aud  if  the  State  vessel  sticks  fast  in  the  mud. 

From  yon  BEACH  MR.  PULLER  must  haul  her. 
And  when  you  've  quite  bored  us  enough,  stupid  boy, 

With  the  far-fctcned  results  of  your  small  craft, 
A  member  with  whom  I  should  chiefly  enjoy 

To  see  you  pairing  off 's  MR.  CALCKAFT.  , 


Politeness  in  High  Life. 

Tuft  Hunter.  And  yon  say  HER  SERENE  HIGHMESS  THE 
DUCHESS  is  quite  well  P 

Princely  Equerry.  Quite  well,  thank  you. 

Tuft  Hunter.  I  am  sure,  it  gives  me  the  greatest  pleasure 
to  hear  so.  And  her  husband,  if  I  might  venture  to  ask  ? 

Princely  Equerry  (laughing  up  his  military  sleeve).  Thank 
you,  His  Highness,  when  I  left  him,  was  Serene  also. 


252 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARlVAJtt. 


[Jura  20,  1857. 


MOST    PLEASAUNTE    DREAME    OF    COZLEBS 

YE  CAMBRYDGE  FELLOWE. 


While,  with  many  a  laughe,  ><  studentes  chaffc 
Ye  prettye  nurscrye  maydes. 

Y°  Triiiitye  Fellowe  giveth  a  starte ; 

Too  brighte  the  vision  doth  seem ! 
And  C(ELEBS  waketb  to  bachelor  lile, 

And  finds  his  marriage  a  dreame. 

OBJECTS  AT  THE  DRAWING-ROOM. 

THE  Court  Newsman  informs  us  that,  on 
Saturday  last, 

"Before  the  Drawinp;  Room,  HER  MAJESTY  accord- 
ing to  custom,  received  a  deputation  from  Christ  a 
Hospital  in  the  Tlirouo  Room.' 

We  further  learn  from  the  courtly  journalist, 
that  the  deputation  included  forty  boys  of  the 
Royal  Mathematical  School,  founded  by  KINO 
CHARLES  THE  SECOND.  Of  course  these 
scholars  appeared  before  HER  MAJESTY  m 
full  dress,  which,  if  similar  to  that  of  the 
other  Bluecoat  boys,  may  have  been  com- 
pared by  the  QUEEN  with  the  costume  of  the 
adult  members  of  the  deputation,  and  then 
our  gracious  SOVEREIGN  may  have  experienced 
some  difficulty  in  deciding  whether  the  old 
gentlemen  in  their  civic  gowns  and  Court 
liveries,  or  the  young  ones  in  their  petticoats 
and  yellow  stockings,  presented  the  more 
ridiculous  appearance. 


A  FELLOWE  it  was  of  Triuitye, 
And  he  laye  on  y"  grassye  grounde, 

On  ye  hither  ripe  of  y'  muddy  Cain, 
In  a  dreamye  summer  swound. 

Like  y'  malm  pastor  dormivit  he 

Siipinus  lay  and  snored ; 
And  he  slept  soe  sounde,  it  was  plame  to  see 

With  his  bedde  he  was  not  bored. 

A  resident  Fellowe  he  was,  I  wis, 

He  had  no  cure  of  soules ; 
And  across  y'  Bridge  of  Sues  *  he  'd  come 

From  playinge  ye  game  of  bowles. 

And  now,  aweary,  he  laye  and  slept, 

As  lazye  as  was  the  river ; 
And  y'  limes  made  a  shadye  networke 

About  his  heade  to  quiver. 

Ho !  Fellowe,  what  are  your  thoughts,  I  aske  : 
Ho !   Fellowe,  what  do  you  dreame  ? 

He  dreametli,  alas !  what  comes  not  to  pass 
On  y'  banks  of  that  sluggish  strcame. 

He  dreams  of  a  bright-eyed,  browne-haircd  girl, 

Sprightly  and  gleesome  enow, 
Wlio,  in  an  aunciente  Rectorye  house, 

Is  keepynge  their  trewe  love  vowe. 

She  has  waited  and.watched  for  wearye  yeares,- 
'Tis  a  longe  cngagemente,  I  ween; 

And  her  face  doth  'gin  to  pale  and  to  thin, — 
Though  not  by  her  it  is  seen. 

Yet  others  are  quicke  to  mark  what  Care, 
And  anxious  Waitinge  have  done ; 

Others  can  trace  in  her  patiente  face 
Ye  wrccke  that  Time  hath  begunne. 

She  has  no  fortune,  save  lierseH, 
Though  that  is  a  treasure,  I  trow, 

Yet  not  enow  for  y'  kecpynge  of  house, 
As  times  and  taxes  goe. 

*  Vulgariter,  Sighs. 


And  he  has  nought  but  his  Fellowshippe, 
And  not  marr.ye  on  that  he  maye ; 

For  gin  he  marries,  his  Fellowshippe, 
He  loses  for  ever  and  aye. 

And  soe  they  are  in  a  dysmal  plyghte,— 

Tethered  and  tyed  to  a  stake,— 
Bound  by  a  vowe,  like  an  iron  chayne 

That  they  may  not  siiappe,  or  breake. 
•  ***»* 

Ho !   Fellowe,  why  starteth  thou  now  in  thy 

sleepe  ? 

Is  ye  gadde-flye  stynaynge  thy  nose  f 
Not  soe;    for  he  smyleth;    and  gadde-nyes 

stynges. 
Are  productive  of  cruelle  woes. 

'Tis  apleasaunte  fancye  that  haunts  his  dreame ; 

Ye  Fellowes,  their  prayer  hath  been  hearde, 
And  Heads  of  Housen,  and  Viee-Chancellere 

In  judgemente  goode  have  concurred. 

It  hath  been  decreede,  that  y<  Fellowes  may 
wed, 

And  settle  in  College  walls  ; 
And  vvake  ye  echoes  of  cloistered  lyfe, 

With  their  lyttel  chyldrens'  squalls. 

And  CCELEBS  seeth  that  brown-haired  girl, 

No  longer  wan  and  dree ; 
But  buxomme,  and  blythe,  and  debonaire, 

Converted  to  MYSTRESS  C. 

He  seeth  her  seated  in  casye  chaire — 

A  sunbeame  amid  ye  gloomc — 
Bravdynge  a  lyttel  Babye  its  cappe, 

All  within  ye  College  roome. 

He  seeth  her  walkjTige  in  College  courtes, 

Admyred  of  all  spectators, 
With  her  oljve  branches  buddynge  arounde, 

Or  stuck  in  perambulators. 

Wives  and  childrenne  of  Fellowes,  he  sees, 
Swannynge  ye  classic  shades, 


THE.  LAST  RESOURCE. 

Tatlier  (expostulating  with  Ids  son}.  "JAMES, 
I  am  grieved  beyond  expression  to  see  the 
cruel  wav  in  which  you  have  been  §omg  on 
lately.  1  have  tried  you  at  everything,  and 
you  have  failed  in  everything.  I  put  you  in  a 
merchant's  office,  and  you  were  ignomimously 
sent  about  your  business.  ..  bought  you  a 
commission  in  the  Army,  and  you  were  very 
quickly  recommended  to  sell  out.  In  despair, 
I  started  you  as  a  coal  and  wine  merchant  and 
general  commission  agent,  but  you  didn  t  clear 
sufficient  to  pay  for  your  boots  and  shoes.  At 
last  I  got  you  a  lucrative  post  in  a  Mutual 
Philanthropic  Loan  Office  but  even  they 
wouldn't  have  anything  to  do  with  you.  It  s 
painfully  clear,  to  my  mind,  JAMES,  that  you 
are  not  fit  for  anything.  Under  these  circum- 
stances, there  is  but  one  thing  leit  now—  Y 
must  yet  you  a  situation  -under  Government! 

Superfluous  Talent. 
A  BLUE  Book  relative  to  the  Civil  Service 
Examinations'  contains  a  statement  that  a 
certain  candidate  for  the  appointment  of  letter- 
carrier  distinguished  himself  by  his  proficiency 
in  logarithms.  What  recommendation  that 
proficiency  could  be  to  a  letter-carrier  it  is 
not  easv  to  understand.  Letters  are  employed 
in  logarithms,  but  for  a  letter-carrier  \ye  do 
not  want  a  man  who  can  carry  letters  in  his 
head  but  one  who  carries  his  letters  in  a  bag, 
and  conveys  them  as  quickly  as  possible  to 
their  destinations. 

A  QUESTION  OP  PLACE. 

An  advertising  dentist  describes  himself  as 
"formerly  with  the  eminent  MB.  CART- 
WRIGHT."  This  statement  needs  some  ex- 
planation. Representing  himself  to  have 
•'been  with"  the  gentleman  in  question,  he 
ought  to  have  mentioned  in  what  capacity. 


wee.        o  exra  car.        .    . 

band  plays  on  the  Terrace  generally  about  Four  o  c  |>c 
Refreshments  may  bo  had  at  the  various  apple-stalls  at 
the  south  and  north-eastern  corners.    Omnibuses  pass 
every  minute. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE  INGENIOUS  MR.  FLYROD  PROTECTS 
HIMSELF  FROM  INSECT& 


THE  INGENIOUS  MR.  FLYROD  HAS  A  RUN. 


THE    SOCIAL    TREAD-MILL.    No.  8. 

"  WHAT  follows  on  such  dinners  as  the  KOTOOS'  is  little,  if  at  all, 
less  dreary  than  the  dinner  itself.  There  is  certainly  a  momentary 
relief  when  MRS.  KOTOO  gives  a  glance  round  the  table  I  with  an 
inclination  of  her  head  that  takes  in  all  the  ladies,  as  much  as  to  say— 
'  Don't  you  think,  my  dears,  the  gentlemen  want  a  little  free  and  easy 
conversation,  which  it  would  not  he  proper  for  us  to  listen  to," — and 
sweeps  out  of  the  room  with  the  fleet  of  attendant  Crinolines  in  her 
wake.  You  feel  that  a  certain  amount  of  false  pretence  and  social 
sham  has  passed  a\v:iy  with  those  voluminous  petticoats.  Not  that 
the  women  are  half  such  humbugs  as  we,  their  lords.  If  left  to  them- 
selves, I  believe  the  wives  of  England.would  do  more  to  put  down  the 
Social  Tread-mill  than  all  these  papers  will  ever  do,  if  I  continue  them 
till  the  public  refuses  to  read  or  Mr.  Punch,  to  print  any  more.  So 
far  as  I  have  observed,  the  wives  of  England  are  more  desirous  of 
squaring  expenditure  by  means,  more  afraid  of  debt  and  the  shuffling 
and  meanness  it  occasions,  less  anxious  about  keeping  up  appearances, 
— in  a  word,  more  honest  than  the  husbands  of  England  oy  a  great 
deal.  I  think  the  luckiest  thing  that  co\dd  happen  to  nineteen  married 
men  out  of  twenty  would  be  for  their  wives  to  be  entrusted  with  the 
control  of  the  cheque-book,  and  the  husbands  put  on  a  quarterly 
allowance  of  pocket-money.  It  is  not,  then,  because  the  women  are 
peculiarly  humbugs  that  I  feel  more  at  ease  when  Mils.  KOTOO  has 
convoyed  them  into  the  drawing-room  •  but  because  we,  the  men,  have 
none  of  us  been  quite  ourselves  while  they  continued  at  the  table. 
The  sensation  produced  by  their  departure  is  rather  like  that  of 
easing  one's  waistcoat-strap  after  a  good  dinner — a  kind  of  moral 
'  deboutonnement' 

"A  certain  style  of  subject,  a  certain  tone  of  allusion,  a  certain  class 
of  jokes  and  good  stories  may  be  ventured  on  now,  from  which  the 
female  presence  restrained  us.  To  our  shame  be  it.  I  dojnot  mean 
to  say  that  this  is  so  at  all  parties,  liut  it  is  true  of  far  too 
many. 

"Unless  this  be  so,  I  don't  know  any  reason  for  keeping  up  this 
habit  of  separating  the  sexes  after  dinner.  If  it  enables  the  ladies  to 
discuss  us,  their  lords ;  to  compare  social  notes  usefully ;  to  make  a  liltle 
bout  de  toilette ;  or  even  to  have  out  among  themselves  any  little 
affairs  of  friendship,  honour,  or  business  that  may  be  on  hand,  that  is 
another  matter.  I  know  nothing  of  the  mysteries  of  the  Gynseceum. 
(It  is  a  harmless  Greek  word,  ladies,  and  means  '  the  apartment  of  the 
women.')  But  so  far  as  I  have  ventured  to  pry  into  them,  I  gather 
that  the  ladies,  as  a  general  rule,  by  no  means  approve  of  this  segre- 
gation ;  that  the  hour  or  half-hour  spent  in  the  drawing-room  is  very 


dull  and  flat  indeed  ;  that  it  only  tends  to  breed  the  smallest  of  small 
talk ;  in  short,  that  there  is  no  better  reason  on  the  female  than  there 
is  on  the  male  side  for  keeping  up  this  practice.  It  is  an  inheritance 
from  those  times  when  gentlemen  made  a  practice  of  getting  drunk  after 
dinner.  It  might  well  have  disappeared  as  completely  as  the  con- 
vivial habit  which  gave  rise  to  it. 

"  I  can't  say  we  were  happy  after  the  ladies  left  us.  Neither  the 
company  nor  the  wine  was  good  enough  for  that.  FLAVJNTER  would 
talk  about  the  Oaks  and  the  Chester  Cup,  and  how  FLASIIMAN  had 
certainly  been  made  safe  in  the  Two  Thousand,  with  a  wonderfnl 
story  ot  old  Moss,  the  great  betting  agent,  how  he  had  come  into 
TATTERSALL'S  yard  on  settling  day  with  forty  thousand  pounds  in 
new  notes  in  his  pockets,  and  had  left  it  with  two  pound  ten,  and  some 
odd  coppers.  We  listened,  but  it  didn't  interest  us  any  more  than 
the  circuit  stories  contributed  by  BLADEBONK;  or  'that  very  good 
thing  CAMPBELL  said  in  that  great  crim.  con.  case  the  other  day— the 
Indian  case — HILLHOUSE  v.  GRIFFIN,  you  know.'  And  PENNXBOY 
would  talk  about  books,  of  all  things,  and  took  to  praising  Attiton's 
History,  of  all  books  to  praise,  which  happened  to  be  a  strong  subject 
of  the  Reviewer,  who  had  just  been  dissecting  SIR  ARCHIBALD  for  a 
forthcoming  number  of  his  periodical,  and  who  served  up  to  us  a 
string  of  Allisonisms,  headed  by  the  famous  one  of  his  translation  of 
'  droits  du  timbre,'  into  'timber  duties.'  And  then  the  Author  out  of 
spite  against  the  lleviewer,  defended  SIR  ARCHIBALD,  and  declared 
him  to  be  a  great  master  of  style,  and  praised  his  extraordinary 
lucidity  and  power  of  arrangement.  All  which  the  Reviewer  answered 
contemptuously,  and  the  Author  retorted  with  sneers ;  till  somehow 
we  found  ourselves  all  talking  at  once  with  great  vehemence,  and 
nobody  listening  to  anything  anybody  else  was  saying. 

"  KOTOO  wisely  put  a  stop  to  the  row,  by  asking  '  if  anybody  would 
take  any  more  wine  ? '  and  getting  up,  without  waiting  for  an  answer 
to  his  own  question,  led  the  way  to  the  drawing-room.  So  we  'joined 
the  ladies.'  I  dare  say  they  had  been  natural  till  we  came  in  ;  very 
stupid  probably,  but  still  natural.  We  had  been  more  natural  cer- 
tainly in  the  dining-room  after  they  went — coarser,  and  more  selfish, 
that  is,  and  less  courteous  and  respectful  to  each  other. 

"  But  now,  we  all  buttoned  ourselves  up  again  in  our  buckram  suits 
and  put  on  our  vizors— like  Falitafs  thieves— and  with  the  usual  simper- 
ing, and  waggling,  and  grinning,  re-commenced  our  round  on  the  Social 
Tread-mill.  I  should  mention  that  several  ladies  had  come  in  '  for  the 
evening,'  who  swelled  the  drawing-room  phalanx  of  Crinoline  consider- 
ably. These  new-comers  sat  stonily  to  receive  us.  We.  who  had  dined 
together,  had  contrived  to  get  up  a  sort  of  tepid  cordiality,  but  the  new 
arrivals  were  all  utterly  chilly,  and  of  course  rapidly  cooled  down  the 
party  to  the  temperature  of  the  flattest  and  flabbiest  person  present. 


254 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  20,  1857. 


I  have  observed  that  this  invasion  of  after-dinner  visitors  always  occurs 
at  such  houses  as  t lie  KOTOO'S.  It  is  a  thing  to  be  vehemently  pro- 
tested against.  You  might,  just  as  well  dash  a  dozen  buckets  of  cold 
water  into  your  warm  hath  before  stepping  into  it,  as  pour  a  dozen 
strange  guests  into  a  party  of  people  who  have  dined  together.  Be 
content  with  simpler  dinners,  and  then  you  may  give  five  where  you  give 
i  one  now.  Always  ask  a  good  proportion  of  young  ladies  to  dine,  and 
1  your  parties  will  be  all  the  prettier  and  pleasanter.  But  never,  never, 
as'you  value  the  comfort  of  your  dinner  guests,  or  your  own  repu- 
tation as  a  host  or  hostess,  invite  a  batch  ot  young  ladies  to  '  come  m 
iu  the  evening." 

"It  is  setting  a  man  to  the  task  of  SISYPHUS  to  condemn  him  to 
hoist  a  new-comer  up  the  hill  of  small;  talk.  And  then,  the 
odious  cruelty  to  which  these,  poor  girls  are, sure  to  be  subjected! 
The  way  in  which,  without  any  regard  to  their  own  honest  sense  of 
incapacity,  or  our  susceptibilities,  they  are  ordered  to  the  piano,  and 
1  made  to  play  and  sing,  no  matter  whether  nature  has  or  has  not  given 
them  ear  or  voice !  Have  they  not  had  guinea  lessons  from  HEKR 
MULC;  or  Sir.Noii  GRATTINI?  And  for  what  end,  if  not  to 
qualify  them  for  inflicting  this  sort  of  penance  upon  society?  This 
mournful  kind  of  playing  and  singing  by  people  who  have  no  musical 
capacity  or  love  for  what  they  are  doing,  to  other  people  who  don  t 
know  them,  and  don't  care  for  them  or  their  music,  and  who  never 
asked  for  it,  and  who  would  rather  ten  thousand  times  not  have  it,  is 
one  of  the  most  wearing  grinds  on  the  Social  Tread-mill,  and  one  to  which 
we  are  oftener  condemned,  perhaps,  than  to  any  other. 

"  The  hardest  part  of  the  case  is,  that  the  poor  ministers  of  the 
torture  feel  it  as  acutely  as  the  sufferers. 

"  -1/X  Punch  has  this  week  forwarded  to  the  sufferer  who  writes 
these  papers,  a  letter  from  two  young  ladies,  who  describe  themselves 
as  '  in  training  for  the  Social  Tread-mill.' 

"  Their  protest  is  against  the  style  of  education  which  they,!  like 
other  young  ladies,  are  receiving. 

"  '  Of  f9reign  languages,'  write  CONSTANCE  and  EMILY — thank  you, 
young  ladies,  for  your  pretty  names,  at  all  events—'  (if  too  many  be  not 
crammed  into  our  heads  at  once)  we  do  not  complain.  We  like 
travelling,  and  when  we  go  abroad  the  knowledge  of  these  languages 
conduces  much  to  the  pleasure  derived  from  the  trip,  and  is  extremely 
useful'— 'to  us?'— no— the  sly  pusses— ' to  Papa,  and  brothers,  who 
having  had  their  time  taken  up  with  Greek  and  Latin,  Law  and 
Physio,  seldom  speak  French  or  German  intelligibly.' 

"We  will  allow  CONSTANCE  and  EMILY  their  little  joke  at  the 
expense  of  masculine  ignorance.  At  the  same  time  we  should  like  to 
ask  CONSTANIK  and  EMILY  to  put  their  taper  white  hands  on  their 
hearts— if  those  articles  have  not  been  stolen— and  say  how  many  of 
their  friends  have  learnt,  either  at  school  or  from  a  governess,  to  speak 
French,  Italian,  or  German,  so  as  to  enable  their  Papas  or  brothers  to 
dispense  with  a  courier  in  the  family  travels  ? 

'But,'  continue  CONSTANCE  and  EMILY,  '  why  should  we  all,  irre- 
spectively of  the  talent  we  may  or  may  not  possess,  have  music  and 
drawing  inflicted  on  us  ?  We  are  told  these  arts  afford  enjoyment  to 
the  rich,  and  employment  to  the  poor.  So  they  may  when  there  is 
great  talent :  but,  alas,  to  the  majority  of  us,  they  are  but  sources  of 
grief  wheu  we  are  learning  them,  and  of  shame  and  mortification  when 
we  are  compelled  to  show  off  our  accomplishments  to  our  unadmiring 
friends.  We  can  perfectly  appreciate  the  verdict  "  very  sweet ! "  pro- 
nounced by  sarcastic  persons  on  our  most  bitterly  out-of-time-and-tune 
performances,  and  the  contemptuous  "  very  pretty ! "  when  our  bad 
drawings  are  displayed.' 

"  Grief,  shame,  and  mortification,  my  \  dear  young  ladies !  You 
forget  you  are  in  training  for  the  Social  Tread-mill.  You  have  no  right 
to  any  such  feelings.  The  Artful  Dodger  might  as  well  talk  of  grief, 
shame,  and  mortification,  when  brought  before  the  beak,  for  being 
found  with  his  hand  in  a  gentleman's  pocket.  You  must  put  such 
puling  sentimentality  in  your  pockets— if  you  wear  those  antiquated 
receptacles — and  learn  to  brazen  it  out,  Hike  your  sisters  in  check 
aprons  and  blue  stuff  bed-gowns  at  Brixton,  and  take  your  punish- 
ment like  '  game  'uns '  and  '  trumps.' 

"  You  write,  in  your  simplicity,  as  if  you  thought  the  object  of  your 
education  was  to  make  you  better  and  wiser  women.  My  dear 
children,  you  have  described  that  object  much  better  when  you  spoke 
of  being  '  in  training  for  the  Social  Tread-mill.'  It  is  to  harden  your 
hearts  against  self-accusation,  to  plate  your  faces  against  shame,  and 
to  steel  your  nerves  against  weariness,  that  they  are  putting  you 
through  this  preparation  for  your  life-long  penance.  You  are  to  be 
fitted  to  catch  husbands,  not  to  live  witli  them.  The  one  is  a  great 
art— the  other  comes  by  nature,  I  suppose. 

"It  is  clear  to  me,  however,  that  your  training  is  being  very  seriously 
neglected.  You  talk  about  'wishing  to  be  taught  to  play  and  sing 
simple  English  songs,'  instead  of  difficult  fantasias  or  astonishing 
bravuras  iu  a  few  guinea  lessons  from  German  or  Italian  professors'— 
about  'much  preferring  to  learn  to  read  well  aloud  good  English 
poetry  and  prose,  to  sitting  for  two  or  three  hours  daily  on  a  hard 
music-stool,  before  a  tinkling  piano,  practising  horrid  exercises  and 
dreary  pieces  '—Why,  bless  my  heart !  the  chafing  filly  which  you  see 


Miss  REYNOLDS  putting  through  its  paces  in  Rotton  Row  might  just 
as  reasonably  complain  of  that  young  lady's  sharp  curb  and  stinging 
little  whip,  or  of  the  tiny  spurs  hidden  under  the  short  skirt  of  her 
habit.  The  filly  is  not  there  to  enjoy  herself,  but  that  she  may  learn  to 
carry  a  lady !  So  you  are  not  being  educated  to  make  the  best  of 
your  head  and  heart,  but  that  you  may  learn  to  '  attract  a  gentleman ! ' 


FOLLOW    SUIT. 

OMETIMES  we  fancy  that  the 
pillars  of  Bedlam  can  be  no 
other  than  the  advertising 
columns  of  our  different  news- 
papers. Here  is  the  last  touch 
of  insanity,  which  we  select  from 
that  rich  repertory  of  madness  ; 
and  what  enriches  the  curiosity 
in  this  instance  is  that  the 
advertiser  is  a  medical  man  :  — 

'fO  SURGEONS.—  Tb,e  Assist- 
J-  ant  Surgeon  to  a  Militia  Regiment 
in  the  South  of  England,  being  about 
to  resign  his  commission  on  account 
of  being  engaged  in  private  practice, 
would  be  happy  to  INTRODUCE  as 
his  SUCCESSOR,  any  gentleman  duly 
quali6ed,  and  on  condition  that,  in 
the  event  of  appointment,  he  pur- 
chased the  advertiser's  uniform, 
which  is  nearly  as  good  as  new,  and 
which  would  be  sold  considerably 
below  its  value.  Or  the  whole  or  any 
of  the  articles  would  be  sold  a  bargain 
to  a  medical  officer  of  the  line,  for 
whom,  with  slight  alteration,  they 
would  be  adapted.  Apply  at,  <fcc.  &c. 

The  figure  of  jumping  into 
another  man's  shoes  when  y_ou 
supplant  him,  or  succeed  him, 
is  common  enough,  but  the  idea 
of  .jumping  into  another  man's 
entire  suit  of  clothes  is  some- 

thing delightfully  new.  But  supposing,  for  men  will  vary  in  height, 
the  clothes  didn't  fit  him  ?  The  fix  might  be  very  awkward'as  well  as 
ridiculous.  The,  advertiser  should  have  given  the  particulars  of  his 
proportions.  He  should  have  stated  at  full-length  how  high  he 
stood  without  his  stockings,  how  much  he  measured  round  the 
waist,  and  whether  he  was  inclined  to  corpulency  or  not,  with  full 
details  as  to  the  breadth  of  his  'shoulders,  the  circumference  of  his 
calves,  &c.,  &c.  There  is  a  lamentable  omission,  also,  which  we 
regret,  for  the  Assistant  Surgeon  says  nothing  about  his  boots,  or 
his  slippers,  or  his  old  gloves,  or  his  hats.  We  cannot  help  thinking 
that  the  man  who  would  purchase  the  cast-off  clothes  of  another, 
would  not  be  over-nice  as  to  the  acquisition  of  his  other  articles  of 
apparel.  Really,  we  thought  that  such  practices  were  only  common 
in  establishments  where  flunkeys  found  their  own  liveries.  We  have 
heard  that  the  incoming  JEAMES  has  bought  at  a  considerable  reduc- 
tion the  abdicated  plush  of  the  outgoing  JEAMES,  but  we  little  sus- 
pected that  medical  officers  were  in  the  habit  of  trying  it  on  in  a 
similar  manner.  What  pains  us  more  than  anything  else,  is  to  find 
that  this  Esculapian  Jew  clothes'man  belongs  to  a  militia  regiment. 
Now,  we  should  have  thought  that  a  militia  regiment  was  about  the 
very  last  in  which  such  a  penurious  turn-coat  was  likely  to  have 
signalised  himself.  One  thing  is  pretty  clear,  the  militia  in  question 
couldn't  have  been  Bucks. 


The  Progress  of  Priestcraft. 

TIIE  KINO  OF  NAPLES  has  concluded  a  new  Concordat  with  Rome, 
in  virtue  of  which  he  will  henceforth  practically  cease  to  reign  over 
tlie  ecclesiastical  portion  of  his  subjects,  and  those  priests  will  bo  able 
to  do  nearly  whatever  they  please,  unrestrained  by  any  law  but  that 
of  the  Church.  The  GRAND  DUKE  OP  TUSCANY  is  expected  to 
follow  the  example  of  BoMBA.  Concordats  are  becoming  quite  the 
rage  among  the  ci  owned  heads  of  the  Continent;  perhaps  this  rage 
of  the  sovereigns  will  excite  some  slight  explosions  of  popular  fury. 


THE  SEACOLE  FUND. 

ME.  PUNCH  has  determined  to  go  out  of  his  usual  course  and  receive 
subscriptions  for  MRS.  SEACOLE.  Mr.  P.  has  received  from 

ALEXANDER  OSWALD,  ESQ.,  Edinboro'     £20. 

All  Post  Office  Orders  must!  be 'made  payable  to  WILLIAM  T. 
DOYNE,  ESQ.,  Hon.  Sec.  to  the  Seacole  fund,  2,  Derby  Street,  West- 
minster. 


JUNE  27,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


255 


LIVING     MONUMENTS. 


A  CONVERSATION,  calculated  to  awaken  thought,  took  place,  the 
other  evening,  in  the  House  of  Commons.  Slit  F.  BAKING  called 
attention  to  the  expenditure  on  improvements  in  St.  James's  Park, 
amounting  to  £11,000  incurred  irrespectively  of  any  parliamentary 
vote  :  whereupon  MR.  Mow  BRAY  remarked  that  this  was  not  the  only 
instance  of  a  large  expenditure  without  the  previous  sanction  of  the 
House ;  thousands  having  been  spent  last  year  upon  fireworks.  As  to 
the  fireworks,  the  CHANCELLOR  OK  THK  FACIIEQVKR  reminded  the 
House  that  their  expense  was  defrayed  out  of  the  Civil  Contingencies 
—a  gross  amount  placed  at  the  disposal  of  the  Government.  The  lirst, 
question  suggested  by  these  statements  and  observations  to  the 
thoughtful  mind  is,  how  much  the  better  anybody  now  is  for  the  ten- 
thousand-pouuds-worth  of  fireworks  burnt  last  year,  except  the  pyro- 
technists and  their  men,  who  were  paid  to  make  them  and  to  let  them 
oil'?  The  next  is,  whether  the  quantity  of  pleasure  distributed  over  the 
London  multitude  by  the  display  of  the  fireworks  was  not,  for  each 


individual,  exceedingly  small?  We  then  naturally  ask,  whether  it 
would  not  have  been  much  better  to  concentrate  the  happiness  to 
be  had  for  £10,000  by  bestowing  the  amount  upon  one  individual? 
An  individual  then  beatified  with  that  sum  might  be  living  now, 
and  might  survive  for  many  years,  and  his  life,  whilst  it  lasted, 
would  be  one  prolonged  rejoicing  for  the  conclusion  of  hist  year's 
peace  with  Russia.  He  would  be  a  living  monument  of  that  event; 
and  we  recommend  the  idea  of  such  Hying  monuments  to  Govern- 
ment. We  are  very  glad  to  hear  that,  in  the  Civil  Contingencies, 
they  have  a  gross  amount  placed  at  their  disposal,  and  we  entreat  them 
to  consider,  whether  they  could  dispose  of  it  better  than  in  the  insti- 
tution and  endowment  of  living  monuments,  in  the  persons  of  deserving 
individuals  at  present  hard  up,  made  at  the  earliest  opportunity,  com- 
fortable for  life. 

Thins  for  such  monuments  may  be  obtained  by  Ministers  (or  anybody 
else)  gratuitously  at  85  Fleet  Street. 


A  SHORT  .WAY  WITH  A  LUNATIC. 

ANY  medical  man  who  wants  to  get  rid  of  an  insane  patient,  or 
who  knows  anybody  that  wants  to  get  rid  of  an  insane  relation,  will 
perhaps  find  the  means  of  accomplishing  his  object,  or  that  of  the 
other  party,  by  the  help  of  the  subjoined  advertisement :  for  which  he 
is  recommended  to  searcli  the  recent  numbers  of  all  the  daily  papers ; 
in  one  of  which  it  is  quoted  from  a  medical  journal ; — 

INSANITY. — Twenty  per  cent,  annually  on  the  receipts  will  be 
-1-  i^uaranteed  to  any  Medical  man  recommending  a  quiet  Patient  of  either  sex,  to 
a  First-Class  Asylum,  with  the  highest  testimonials.  Address »— 

Twenty  per  cent,  on  the  receipts  for  the  board,  lodging,  and  care  of 
the  unhappy  lunatic,  screwed  out  of  the  lunatic's  board  and  lodging, 
would  probably  represent  a  considerable  abridgment  of  the  patient  s 
natural  life.  On  the  other  hand,  to  be  sure,  the  advertising  madhouse- 
keeper  would  have  an  interest  in  prolonging  the  existence  of  his 
unfortunate  charge :  and,  moreover,  he  might  easily  cheat  the  medical 
man  out  of  the  guaranteed  twenty  per  cent.,  which  surely  would  be  a 
consideraton  secured  by  a  no  more  valid  bond  than  a  contract  entered 
into  for  an  immoral  purpose. 


An  Old  Friend  Decapitated. 

THE  poor  dear  old  Sea-Serpent's  head  having  been  cut  off  in  Algoa 

I  Bay,  he  can  only  figure  henceforward,  as  a  mere  tail.  An  idiot  of  our 
acquaintance  suggests  that  Algoa  Bay  must  be  his  Natal  ground.— 
(N  .B.  For  the  point  of  this  degrading  pun  consult  the  Map  of  Southern 
Africa.) 


TRANSATLANTIC  TIGERS. 

WHEN  GENERAL  HENNINGSEN,  the  accomplice  of  GENERAL  WALKER 
—  Generals  in  the  like  service  with  that  wherein  the  celebrated 
Nacheath  was  Captain — landed  the  other  day,  with  a  number  of  other 
scoundrels  at  New  York,  the  rascaldom  of  that  city  expressed  their 
sympathy  with  the  General  of  Filibusters  byfgiving  him  three  cheers, 
and,  by  the  account  of  the  New  York  Herald,  ''repeated  the  number  in 
tigers.  What  our  American  contemporary  means  by  tigers  we  do 
not  know,  but  we  are  at  no  loss  to  conjecture ;  and  we  conclude  that 
!  the  tigers  in  which  the  New  York  ruffians  redoubled  their  cheers  of 
their  nero  HENNINGSEN  were  notes  or  keys  resembling  in  tone  and 
quality  the  revolting  yells  and  howlings  of  the  ferocious  beasts  so 
denominated.  

Petticoat  Government. 

THE  Estaffette  informs  us  that  the  Prefect  of  the  Seine  has  appointed 
female  searchers  at  all  the  barrieres  of  Paris  to  examine  all  females 
wearing  Crinoline,  as  these  voluminous  petticoats  are  extensively 
employed  for  smuggling.  This  might  be  described  by  our  euphemistic 
friend,  Le  Pallet,  in  the  following  modish  terms  : — 

"  Crinolines  continue  to  be  worn,  with  the  addition  of  vltilts — d  la  barritre." 

We  trust  that  the  Dover  and  Folkestone  custom-houses  will  not  be 
invaded  by  the  "  right  of  search  "  in  this  form  at  all  events. 


ROMAN  CEMENT — The  French  Army;   for  it  has  been  sticking  in 
Rome  now  ever  so  long,  and  the  POPE  finds  it  impossible  to  remove  it. 


256 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  27,  1857. 


A    QUEER    PARTY. 


HE  "Party"  who 
published  the  sub- 
joined advertise- 
ment, has  most 
likely  lost  the 
price  of  its  inser- 
tion, as  well  as 
1  lie  garment  for 
the  recovery  of 
which  it  was  de- 
signed : — 

TRAFALGAR 
TAVERN,  Green- 
wich.—The  party  who 
took  a  MANTLE  in 
mistake  for  their  own 
lust  Saturday,  arc  re- 
quested to  communi- 
cate with  MR. 


as  speedily  as  possible. 

That  one  per- 
son should  take 
another's  mantle 
in  mistake  for  his 
or  her  own,  is  con- 
ceivable enough ; 
but  it  is  difficult 
to  imagine  that  a 
whole  party  could 
unite  in  mistaking  a  mantle  belonging  to  some  one  else  for  their 
collective  property,  and  carrying  it  away  under  that  erroneous 
impression.  When  people  take  and  carry  away  anything  from  any- 
body between  them,  there  can  be  no  mistake  in  the  matter :  either  it 
is  sold  to  them,  or  given  to  them,  or  they  possess  themselves  of  it  by 
a  method  which  the  wise  call  "  conveying."  The  party,  described  as 
having  taken  the  mantle  in  mistake  for  their  own,  must,  of  course,  be 
a  plural  party  ;  whereas  none  but  a  singular  party  can  possibly  make 
a  mistake  of  that  nature. 


PUNCH'S  ESSENCE  OP  PARLIAMENT. 

June  \rM,  Monday.  LOED  CAMPBELL,  in  further  defiance  of  the 
LORD  CHANCELLOR,  who  had  asserted  that  no  such  measure  was 
necessary,  introduced  a  Bill  for  the  putting  an  end  to  the  sale  of 
immoral  publications.  The  process  is  to  be  the  summary  one  employed 
in  regard  to  Betting  Houses,  and  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  the  Magis- 
trates, in  enforcing  it,  will  reverse  the  policy  which  they  seem  always 
to  adopt  with  the  betting-scoundrels,  and,  if  there  be  a  doubt,  give 
the  public,  and  not  the  notorious  offender,  the  benefit  of  such  doubt. 

LORD  CLANRICARDE  brought  a  mass  of  complaint  against  the 
Indian  Police,  but  as  the  DUKE  OP  ARGYLL  said  that  there  was  no 
case  made  out,  there  is  an  end  of  the  matter. 

The  Commons  discussed  the  Jew  Bill,  more  politely  called  the  Oaths 
Bill,  in  committee.  The  Papist  party,  who  assume  to  themselves  the 
title  of  Liberal,  began  the  battle  by  au  attempt  to  get  the  Catholic 
oath  included  in  the  measure,  notwithstanding  that  they  had  been 
warned  by  LORD  PALMERSTON  that  they  might  injure  the  cause  of  the 
Jews  by  a  demand  to  which  the  feeling  of  the  country  is  adverse.  The 
Commons  made  very  short  work  with  these  persons,  rejecting  the  pro- 
position by  373  to  83.  SIR  FREDERICK  THESIGER  then  charged,  with 
all  the  forces  of  the  Opposition,  and  was  defeated,  by  341  to  201,  in 
his  endeavour  to  make  a  Jew  declare  himself  a  Christian.  Mr.  Pinich 
has  too  often  protested  against  the  shallow  nonsense  talked  on  both 
sides  of  the  question  to  make  it  needful  for  him  to  say  more  than  that, 
while  recording  the  vote,  he  greatly  despises  most  of  the  arguments 
used  to  promote  and  to  hinder  it,  and  especially  the  Jaunty  Viscount's 
mode  of  getting  rid  of  principles  by  alleging  that  Parliament's  business 
is  with  politics,  not  religion.  In  life,  a  man  who  separates  his  religion 
from  his  politics  is  excessively  likely  to  separate  the  theory  from 
the  practice  of  duty,  even  to  the  extent  of  separating  his  neighbour's 
pocket-book  and  pocket.  SIR  JOHN  PAKINGTON,  hitherto  an  opponent 
of  the  Jewish  claims,  made  a  manly  speech,  in  which  he  avowed  his 
inability  to  persist  in  resisting  them.  MR.  WALFOLE  pointed  out  that 
if  the  Bill  became  law.  a  Jew  could  hold  office  (that  ot  .Chancellor  for 
instance)  which  a  Catholic  could  not.  Now,  here  is  a  real  grievance, 
worth  LORD  CRANWORTH'S  weight  in'  lead,  for  the  Popish  party. 
What !  ISSACHAR  BEN  MOSES  may  keep  the  QUEEN'S  conscience,  and 
be  raised  to  the  peerage  as  BARON  PHYLACTERY,  and  there  is  no 
such  chance  for  PATRICK  MAC  SULLIVAN— no  title  of  ROSARY-CUM- 
rwiDDLE.  Shades  of  the  hundreds  of  Catholic  patriots  who  have  died  in 
their  beds,  look  down  upon  their  children,  thus  oppressed  by  the  Saxon ! 


Tuesday.  More  about  India,  in  the  Lords,  but  not  much  to  the 
purpose.  LORD  CAERNARVON'S  proposition  for  enabling  Magistrates 
to  scud  offenders,  up  to  the  age  of  30,  to  reformatories,  was 
negatived. 

The  virtuous  WESTMEATH  will  not  be  permitted  to  reform  those 
whom  SYDNEY  SMITH  called  "the  debauched  London  bathers  at 
Brighton."  The  House  of  Lords  does  not  consider  the  regulation  of 
bathing  machines,  and  the  question  of  bathing  dresses,  matters  for 
Imperial  legislation.  It  is  thought]  that  if  the  Magistrates  of  the 
boroughs  washed  by  the  sea  are  in  earnest  about  decency  they  can 
send  a  constable  up  to  bis  knees  in  the  water  to  drag  out  any  person 
misconducting  himself,  and  to  remove  him  to  the  lock-up.  Way,  how- 
ever, gentlemen  and  ladies  should  not  habitually  follow  French  precedent, 
in  regard  to  aquatic  costume,  IMr.  Punch  is  unaware.  The  lady's 
bathing  dress  is  both  pretty  and  modest,  and  has  only  to  be  known  to 
be  admired,  and  Mr.  Punch  hopes  to  admire  it,  and  many  a  lovely, 
radiant,  and  smiling  face  above  it,  during  his  autumnal  pilgrimages. 
Finally,  the  whole  case  is  one  of  police,  and  if  sea-side  Magistrates  were 
less  zealous  in  supporting  their  neighbours,  the  keepers  of  lodging- 
houses,  in  all  disputes  touching  the  extortions  of  the  latter,  and  were 
more  anxious  to  do  their  duty  by  the  public,  there  would  be  no  need 
to  bother  Mr.  Punch  or  the  other  noolemen  of  the  nation  about  such 
a  matter. 

The  Cpmmons  decided  that  whatever  case  there  might  be  for  the 
equalisation  of  poor  rates,  MR.  AYHTON,  of  the  Tower  Hamlets,  had 
not  brains  enough  to  state  it,  and  by  1S3  to  81  they  snuffed  out  the 
said  AYRTON  of  the  Tower  Hamlets. 

Wednesday.  They  were  laudably  engaged  in  perfecting  a  measure  | 
regarding  industrial  schools. 

Thursday.  Esther  a  remarkable  day,  for  LORD  PALMERSTON'S 
Ministry  was  all  but  defeated  in  the  Lords,  and  quite  defeated  in  the 
Commons.  In  the  former,  after  some  Parsons  had  mercifully  petitioned 
against  the  permitting  a  wicked  husband  or  wife  to  be  separated  from 
tlie  person  suffering  by  the  wickedness,  LORD  DERBY  assailed  the 
excellent  Bill  for  getting  rid  of  Ministers'  Money  in  Ireland.  He 
was  unkindly  reminded  that  this  was  a  small  Church  reform  compared 
to  what  he  himself  had  effected,  when,  as  LORD  STANLEY,  he  bowled 
down  Ten  Bishops  at  a  blow ;  but  this  he  justly  regarded  as  no  argu- 
ment, seeing  that  in  those  days  he  was  a  Reformer,  but  has  since  come 
over  to  Toryism.  On  division  he  would  have  triumphed,  had  the  peers 
present  settled  the  business,  he  having  71  to  65,  but  the  proxies  altered 
the  case,  and  the  second  reading  was  carried  by  101  to  96.  Mr.  Punch 
has  heard  of  a  Tory  Baron  who  went  to  dinner  with  two  proxies  in  his 
pocket,  and  of  a  Tory  Duke  who  was  unaware  of  the  donate— a  little 
.more  whipping,  and  the  PREMIER  would  have  been  floored.  [Latest 
betting  against  ROTHSCHILD,  6  to  2,  n.  t.] 

In  the  Commons,  after  some  spirited  complaints  of  the  confusion  of 
our  Army  Departments,  to  which  the  only  answer  seems  to  be,  that 
the  DUKE  OF  CAMBRIDGE  and  LOBD  PASMURE  are  on  excellent 
terms,  the  eternal  Map  question  came  up.  For  seventy  years  have  the 
authorities  been  mapping  the  kingdoms,  first  on  the  scale  of  an  inch  to 
a  mile,  then  six  inches,  then  twenty-six  inches  and  three-quarters. 
This  last  was  in  Scotland,  where  the  landowners  made  a  job  of  it, 
getting  perfect  plans  of  their  estates  at  the  national  expense.  So 
much  did  the  Lairds  value  this,  that  Mr.  Punch  knows  of  one  who 
actually  subscribed  £1500  to  get  his  part  of  the  country  mapped  early. 
Well,  a  good  map  is  a  good  thing,  but  the  Scotch  job  was  stopped  to- 
night, and  Government  beaten  by  10.  In  revenge,  a  Scotch  Member 
tried  to  stop  the  English  survey,  tut  this  ebullition  of  spite  found  only 
22  supporters  against  290  opponents. 

Friday.  Nothing  particular  in  the  Lords,  except  that  poor  CRANNY, 
being  asked  about  Bishops'  resignations,  flew  to  such  recondite 
authorities  as  BLACKSTONE  and  BURN  for  his  law. 

In  the  Commons  SIR  B.  HAIL  announced  that  on  the  25th  the 
decision  on  the  Public  Offices  Designs  would  be  given,  and  scores  of 
architects  immediately  began  stabbing  their  drawing  boards  with 
dividers,  flinging  their  set-squares  about  the  office,  and  refreshing 
themselves  into  Elevations  of  much  originality,  in  their  frightful  excite- 
ment. Some  malpractices  to  get  rid  of  a  witness  on  the  Rochdale 
Election  petition  were  exposed,  as  was  the  affair  at  Greytown,  where 
Government  let  the  Americans  burn  our  property  and  insult  our  flag, 
but  found  out  that  the  law  of  nations  forbad  even  remonstrance. 
WISCOUNT  WILLIAMS  made  bitter  complaint  that  all  Hampton  Court 
Palace  should  be  kept  in  simultaneous  repair,  and  SIR  JOHN  SHELLEY 
(not  usually  witty)  |  made  some  fun  by  picturing  the  Wiscount 
with  a  hypotheticaliy  dirty  face,  the  sides  of  which  he  washed  on 
alternate  days. 

Sweeping  Denunciation. 

MB.  KER  SEYMEK  is  very  indignant  about  the  Cows  in  Hyde  Park. 
They  spoil  the  ladies'  dresses,  he  says.  His  indignation  is  certainly 
excusable,  for  it  is  only  natural  that  that  which  soils  silks  and  satins, 
should  give  a  turn,  also,  to  Ker-Seymer(e}. 


JUNE  27,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


257 


WHAT   I   HEAED,   SAW,   AND   THOUGHT,   AT   THE 
8YDENHAM    FESTIVAL 

(By  One  who  has  no  With  to  be  Mistaken  for  a  Criti,:) 

"  1 1'AVOUR  you  with  this  CO  fir.  1'iairl,,  because  1  am 

quite  sure  no  other   Editor  will  print  it.     From  the  Times  down  even 
to  the  Penny  Montutg  Startler,  every  newspaper,  I  know,  has  a  repu- 

lalion  to  maintain  for  giving  insertion  only  to  the  most,  profound  of 
criticism  ;  and  I  should  as  soon  expert  you  to  report  verbatim  one  of 
MR.  DPOOCTEB's  speeches  as  I  should  anticipate  that  any  one  of  your 
contemporaries  would  give  a  corner  to  a  correspondent  so  uncritica 
1  "r  :l<  'he  I'ltiifli,  \  must  candidly  confess  to  you  !  i 

know  as  little  of  orchestra]  slang  as  I  do  of  High  Dutch  (Billingsgate) 
IM   ol  a  last  Cherokee  or  I'Ycjee  Islander.     In  my 'present 
I  own  I  eoidd  no  mure  explain  what  is  meant  by  ''harmonic 
ins1  than  attempt,  to  give  the  plot  of  an  Astleian  liippodi, 

and  I  should  as  soon  expect  to  follow  SinCium.Ks  NAPIBK'S  reasoning 
comprehend  such  a  phrase  as  'contrapuntal  complications.' 

.uiioiig  your  countless  readers,  .Mr.  Punch,  there  arc  no  doubt 
thousands  M!IO  feel  :  pux/lcd  like  myself  when  they  hear  of  a 
ragned  passage'  being  exquisitely  'rendered,'  or  of  the  'counter- 
subject  icing  '  formally  constructed,'  or  of  the  '  plain  song  aboundin" 
florid  divisions;'  and  it  may  not  be  uninteresting  to  some  of  them 
to  meet  with  ii  few  paragraphs  about  the  II  \  .m:i.  I'cMhal  which  wil 
have  the  novelty  of  not  being  unintelligible.  And,  as  I  heard  the 
performances  Irom  first  to  last  (barring  a  few  bars,  which  i  was  robbei 
ol  by  some  cheats  who  tried  to  swindle  an  encore)  I  feel  inclined  to 
write  a  letter  upon  what  I  chiefly  made  a  note  of. 

"  In  I  he  first  place  Mr.  Punch,  I  think  the  sight  at  Sydenham  was 
as  wondrous  as  the  hearing.  A  deaf  man  or  a  blind  one  would  have 
equally  DMD  charmed  there.  To  see  the  orchestra  alone  was  worth 
coming  up  irom  the  very  Land's  End  or  John  o'Groat's  house— 
for  my  lifetime  I  shall  keep  in  my  mind's  eye  that  acre 
iStcoats,  with  the  rood  which  was  sown  with  brighter 
dresses  m  the  midst  of  it :  and  I  shall  not  easily  lose  sight  of  that, 
forest  of  fiddlesticks,  or  the  turning  of  the  leaves,  as  thickly  fluttering 
as  those  m  Vallombrosa,  of  the  chorus-books.  Other  pens  have  pre- 
ceded me,  and  I  suppose  there  is  hardly  a  newspaper  in  the  kingdom 
but  has  described  the  sea  of  heads  "  on  the  shoulders  of  the  audience 
and  ha-  a  in  I  v  carried  out  this  marine  expression  by  next  bringing  in 
the  horticultural  remark  that  a  "parterre  of  blooming  faces"  was  pre- 
sented by  the  ladies.  But  without  the  aid  of  reference  to  these  des- 
criptive writers,  I  shall  long  remember  the  delighted  looks  of  all  the 
istencrs :  among  whom  1  wished  KING  HANDEL  could  himself  have 
been  in  earshot,  and  have  sat  the  honoured  guest  of  our  pleased  QUEEIT 

"Accustomed  as  I  am  to  hypercritical  society,  it  is  no  new  phrase 
o  me  to  hear  that  the  English  have  small  reverence  for  music,  and 

can  by  no  means  be  regarded  as  a  musical  nation.    As  a  convincing 

proof  that  this  is  more  than  ever  now  the  fact,  I  find  two  thousand 

singers  giving  HANDEL  their  week's  services  and  months  of  prcpara- 

I  I  Imd  also  nearly  twenty  times  their  number  giving  their 

gmneas  ,  , : f  pampas  t,0  hear  them.    I  do  not  mean  to  say  that 

.  ere  led  there  only  by  their  ears.     I  am  conscious  that  on 

le  the  sound  of  a  line  chorus  has  not  so  much  effect  as  the 

a  line  codfish  :  and  to  many  of  the  weaker  sex  good  millinery 

is  at  least  as  attractive  as  good  music.    Two  young  ladies  who  sat  b'v 

uirday's  rehearsal  distinguished  themselves  from  the  rant 

•inters  around  them  by  reading  each  a  volume  of  a  well-thumbed 

loyel,  Irom  which  they  barely  once  looked  up  throughout  the  whole 

{'"torn.:  linpn,  itched,  I  own,  to  twitch  tne  volmnes  from 

apply  them  with  some  emphasis  to  the  peccant  ears  of 

le.Pe"  that  tastes  differ,  and  that  minds  are 

variously  consented:  and  that  the  power  of  appreciating  the  music 

&£  ,--- (/-ple  to  ,hc  handle  of  the  polka- 

•  brance  of  this  festival- and  such  memories 

are  joys  to  us  for  ever— I  cannot  think  JOHN  BULL  can  have 

no  music  in  bis  sou  .     And  yet  less  can  I  believe  that  such  a  festival 

as  this  can  pass  w,t  mmt  leaving  its  sooj  influence  behind  it.    When  1 

.',  as  I  have  done  more  than  once  this  week,  strong  men  moved  to 

ears  by  a  lew  chords  of.  a  chorus,  I  can  neither  think  them  weak  for 

thus  showing  their  emotion,  nor  can  I  believe  but  that  it  is  good  for 

hem      II  ever       forget  my  selfish  self  it  is  when  1  am  listening  to 

strains  as  those  ol   lUpia.     ]  never  come  away  from  one  ofhis 

oratorios  without  thinking  that  I  feel  the  better  for  the  hearing     This 

week  my  only  shadow  of  regret  has  been  that  my  friends,  even  to  the 

m  t  Ifilft'l0      d>.0tn°VCry  °",e  i  them  h!T  lent  me  their  cars,  that  I 
might  fill  them  with  the  sounds  1  was  myself  so  revelh'n"- in 

As  for  giving  you  statistics  of  the  parts  I  most  enfoved,  I  might 
rweD  try  to  enumerate  the  corks  which  I  heard  pop  at  the  refresh- 
ment counters,  or  to  calculate  what  acres  the  ham  sandwiches  would 


have  covered,  or  how  far  the  ices  if  heaped  up  would  have  out-topped 
Mont  lilanc.    I  don't  much  envy  the  man  who  having  eaten  his  cake 

can  sit  down  and  ruminate,  and  try  to  pick  the  plums  out,  and  remem- 
ber how  they  tasted.  Nor  have  I  any  sympathy  with  those  cold-blooded 
critics  who  can  come  away  uuwarmed  by  the  lire  of  a  composer  and 
write  a  cool  collected  detail  of  eaeh  black  -.pot  they  noticed  Such 
men  seem  to  me  to  use  then  ears  only  in  the  way  of  business, and  take 
"to  the  Hallelujah  just  to  see  il  'all  the  >,im  •;'  are 
rightly  taken  up.'  What  delights  then,  mosl  is  t,,  deteei  a  fault J 
.  or  discover  something  wrong  in  the  conductor's  'rendering 
which  they  do  by  stretching  to  their  utmost  ears  quite  long  cnou- 
already. 

"Mind,  I  don't  mean  to  deny  the  value  of  good  criticism,  whether  in 
musical  or  any  other  matter;    but   1   detest  from   my    heart   all   that 
usage  of  slang  phrases  which  savour  so  of  quackery  and  the  'Omni 
ignottun  promagmfico'  dehurion.     Let  us  hope  that  h\<, 
all  this   will   be  exterminated,  and  that  the  lovers  of  sound  will  b, 
guided  only  by  sound  judges.     \\C  are  then,  il  i-,  said. to  have  anolhei 
festival,  surpassing  e\cn  this,  as  this  has  far  surpassed  all  \\lnVii 
gone  before  it.    And,  *  makes]  perfect,  I  would  recommend 

all  those  who  intend  to  take  a  part  in  it 

iniu  vei'suro  manu,  versare  diurnft;' 

or  if  not  day  and  night,  once  a  month  at  least,  until  1859  to  take  a  turn 
at  UANDKL. 

"  1  am,  Jlu.  I'l  NCJI,  one  who  hopes  then  to  have 

"A  VOICE  JN  THE  MATTER." 


DISTURBERS  OF  PUBLIC  HARMONY. 

ENCOKE  !    Encore ! 

Oh  what  a  bore 

To  hear  a  set  of  boobies  roar 

At  Concerts,  one 

Song  being  done, 

The  prelude  to  the  next  begun  ! 

O  ye  unwise ! 

Cease  those  outcries, 

Which  from  sad  want  of  taste  arise, 

Devoid  of  brains, 

Orchestral  strains 

You  drown— the  deuce  requite  your  pains  ! 


Fiddle-Faddle  at  the  Font. 

AT  the  head  of  the  "Fashionable  Arrangements  for  the  Week," 

published  in  the  Post,  was  the 

°f  th°  'Dfant  <U"8htor  of  "">  CoosTEBB  BERSSTOMT,  at  Prussia 


We  have  always  supposed  that  christening  was  a   religious  ordi- 
nance, and  never  imagined  it  to  be  a  fashionable  arrangement. 


258 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  27,  1857. 


THE  LADIES'  LIQUOR  LAW. 

A  RATHER  reasonable  Liquor  Law  lias  been 
adopted  in  the  state  of  New  Yoik.  By  this 
enactment,,  the  drunken,  and  not  the  sober, 
portion  of  the  community,  are  deprived  of  their 
beer  and  grog.  On  a  complaint  preferred  by  a 
wife  that  her  husband  is  an  habitual  drunkard, 
magistrates  and  overseers,  in  towns  and  cities, 
are  empowered  to  prohibit  publicans  from  selling 
him  any  drink  for  six  months,  under  penalty  of 
fifty  dollars  for  each  offence.  This  seems  all 
very  well;  but  ought  the  charge  of  habitual 
drunkenness  to  be  sustainable  by  the  mere 
evidence  of  a  wife  ?  False  accusation  would,  of 
course,  be  out  of  the  question ;  but  a  wife— for 
ladies  are  commonly  inexact  in  their  definitions 
—could  not  perhaps  be  quite  safely  trusted  to 
testify  to  the  reality  of  that  condition,  commonly 
called  the  state  of  peer.  Habitual  drunkenness 
might  be,  in  the  opinion  of  many  kdies,  habitual 
indidgence  in  the  cheerful  glass,  exceeding,  in 
any  measure,  habitual  indulgence  in  dress  and 
display.  The  British  Law's  provision,  _that  in 
no  case  shall  a  wife  give  evidence  against  her 
husband,  is  perhaps  most  especially  requisite  in 
cases  of  alleged  excess  in  fermented  beverages. 


A   MOST   DESIRABLE   DRAIN- 

THE  Duck-Island  well,  in  St.  James's  Park,  is 
!  draining  all  the  Pumps  in  Westminster.    Per- 
haps this  accounts  for  the  unusual  absence  of 
loug  speeches  during  the  present  Session. 


THE  YANKEE 'WALKEK.— WALKER,  the  Fili- 
IT  is  QUITE   POSSIBLE  TO  HAVE  TOO  MUCH  OF  A  GOOD  THING— AS,  JOB  EXAMPLE,  WHEN     I  buster,  has  had  to  hook  it.    He  will  thus  be 

DRESS-COAT    WITH    THE       doubtless  considered  to  have  acquired  a  handle 
I  to  his  name. 


YOU      OKI      THE     ASFAKAGC3     SHOT 


OVER    YOUR    FAVOURITE 
SILK  FACINGS. 


A    CHANT   ABOUT    EXETER    HALL. 

0,  STAINED  windows,  richly  dyed  with  forms  of  saints  and  prophets 

hoary! 
0,  aisles;  0,  transepts,  north  and  south;  0,  chancel,  crypts,  and 

clerestory ! 

0,  trefoil,  quatrefoil,  cinquefoil ;  0,  mullions,  transoms,  flnials,  crockets ! 
0.  crosses,  candlesticks,  and  candles  mounted  in  your  sacred  sockets ! 
Hear  our  melancholy  chantj  hear  our  mournful  intonation, 
Whilst  in  dreary  tuue  we  sing  of  a  dreadful  innovation : 

Exeter  Hall ! 

In  that  Hall,  where  schismatics  and  low  sectarians  go  a-Maying, 
Bishops  now  are  preaching  heard,  priests  on  Sunday  evenings  praying ; 
And  the  prelate  at  their  head  occupies  the  see  of  London ; 
If  this  kind  of  thing  goes  on  we  shall  certainly  be  undone. 
Roodloft,  reredos,  altar-cloth,  credence-table,  hear  our  groaning, 
Hear  us,  in  the  dismal  notes  of  Si.  GREGORY,  intoning 

Exeter  Hall! 

Holy  MRS.  A.DAMS  made  quite  a  proper  observation, 
When  she  said  that  out  of  Church,  Scripture  was  but  profanation. 
Exeter  Hall  is  not  a  Church ;  it  was  never  consecrated, 
And  it  is  not  East  and  West  canonically  situated, 
And  therefore,  in  a  place  like  that,  no  service  can  be  worth  a  button ; 
Thy  shepherds  are  a  pack  of  wolves,  and  all  their  sheep  are  mere  lost 
mutton,  Exeter  Hall ! 

Listen  to  us  all  ye  saints  who  ought  to  stand  in  empty  niches, 
Wherein  we  to  place  you  itch  with  unutterable  itches. 
Dirty,  ragged,  poor  old  men,  sit  there  close  beside  a  bishop, 
Pretty  fisher  of  mankind  fish  of  such  a  class  to  fish  up ! 
It  is  quite  against  all  rule ;  it  is  wholly  indecorous  ; 
Wherefore  we  continually  shall  cry  aloud  in  choir  sonorous, 

Exeter  Hall ! 

The  beggars  by  the  bishop's  side  afford  diversion  and  amusement 

To  well-dressed  worshippers    for  whom,   Churchwardens    in    their 

wisdom,  pews  meant. 

Though  pews  we  hate,  we  hate  still  more  to  see  a  lot  of  laymen  humble, 
With  pnests  and  prelates  of  the  Church  mixed  up  in  such  unseemly 

jumble. 


We  weep  ;  our  tears  gush  forth  apace,  like  streams  of  water  from  a 

fountain. 
What  next  ?  who  knows  that  bishops  soon  will  not  go  preaching  on  a 

mountain  ? 

The  qualified,  the  regular,  the  proper  spiritual  surgeon, 
Appointed  to  the  cure  of  souls,  is  practising  like  MR.  SPTJRGEON. 
There  '11  be  an  end  of  everything— and  now  the  Comet 's  coming  near  us, 
And  so  we  sing— ST.  DUNSTAN,  help !  ST.  S  WITUUN,  mercifully  hear  us ! 

Exeter  Hall ! 


Of  laity  and  clergy  we,  contending  for  the  separation. 
Must  sing  with  sorrow,  with  a  voice  attuned  to  doleful 


lamentation, 
Exeter  Hall ! 


Instinct. 

AT  one  of  the  exhibitions  of  MDLLE.  VANDERBECKEN'S  Oiseaux 
Meneilleux,  before  a  company  of  gentlemen  connected  with  the  arts 
and  literature,  one  of  the  diminutive  performers,  upon  being  directed 
"to  stop  opposite  the  cleverest  person  in  the  room,"  hopped  knowingly 
in  front  of  the  Editor  of  the  Morning  Advertiser,  and  there  chirped 
most  significantly.  Everyone  began  to  titter,  but  the  mistake  was 
quickly  explained.  It  seems  there  had  been  an  accidental  change  ot 
actors,  and  unfortunately  the  bird  substituted  was  a  Mocking-Bird ! 


WHAT'S  BRED  IN  THE  STONE. 
A  COMPANY  at  Frodsham,  in  Cheshire,  are  grinding  gold  out  of 
Virginia  rock-ballast,  at  the  rate  of  an  ounce  and  a  half  to  the  ton  A 
flour-mill  in  the  neighbourhood,  we  are  informed  is  employed  lor 
crushing  the  auriferous  quartz.  It  is  to  be  hoped  that  neither  the 
company's  shareholders,  nor  the  Frodsham  miller's  customers  are  going 
to  get  stones  for  their  bread. 

Pictures  Without  a  Home. 

THE  Committee  "  for  determining  the  site  of  the  National  Gallery' 
have  had  another  meeting.     It  seems  to  us  that  these  Commissioner! 
are  taking  a  rare  long  time  to  determine  a  very  simple  question.    Had 
they  not  better  refer  the  question  to  MR.  HUME  (the  spiritual  hum 
buggist),  since  that  gentleman  has  acquired  a  large  notoriety  lor  nis 
powers  of  "second  Me?"      

A  WISE  PRECAUTION—  SIR  BENJAMIN  HALL  has  directed  that  the 
dimensions  of  the  new  reception  room  at  St.  James's  shall  be  calcu 
lated  not  by  linear,  but  by  crino-linear  measurement. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.-JraE  27,  1857. 


STRANGE    BED-FELLOWS! 


ABOUT  the  Kngllsli  of  it,  32 
Above  a  Joke,  67 
Admiral  Napier  at  Sea  Again,  239 
Admiralty  at  Sea  Again  (The),  IS) 
Advice  to  Old  Women,  117 
Alderman's  Own  Book  (The),  123 
An-atomy  of  a  Majority,  lllu 
Analysis  of  our  Collective  WiKdonl,67 
"  And  Is  Old  Double  dead?  "  10 
Anglo-French  Family  Exhibition,  160 
Anti-Cinderella  Coatunu',  I-' 
Anti-Cun.ttc  Assuriim't!  Company  (The),68 
Anticipated  Conversion  of  DiKsentfrs,  1(58 
Arcades  Ambo—  Bomha  and  Baiona,  144 
Army  Education,  1«3 
Ait  in  the  Dark  Ages,  202 
Art  of  I  minibus  Correspondence  (The),  1G8 
Art  of  Poultry-Keeping  (Tho),  6U 
Austria's  Eagle  and  (  ioose,  14 
Austria  to  Ireland,  114 
BAD  News  for  Donkeys,  173 
Barebones  Parliament  Again  (A),  129 
Hark  of  Marylebone  (The),  214 
Kiirnnm's  Best  Plan,  219 
Baseness  Abroad  and  at  Home,  210 
Baltleof  the  Pantomimes  (The),  61 
Bayswater  Brothers  (The),  49 
Beaks  and  Beer,  212 
IVclUni  and  Downing  Street,  68 
Bewitchment  of  Palnierston  (Tin-),  101 
Hilky  Way  (The),  140 
Bits  of  Sunbeam,  162 
Blaze  at  a  Boat  Kace  (A),  208 
Board  on  its  Beam  Knds  (A),  20 
Boniba  tlie  Benevolent,  48 
Bombardment  of  Windsor  (The),  1'.'7 
"  Bread  upon  the  Waters,"  71 
Brown's  Account,  183 
Brummagem  1'iety,  40 
linhhli'  Reputation,  188 
Bubble  too  Bad  for  Baring,  172 
Buchanan  to  Buncombe,  140 
Bucknall  and  the  Baby,  180 
ilnans  a  Briton,  108 
"  Camelia"  at  Exeter  Hall  (The),  163 
Candidate  for  Karly  Clozun,  19 
Candles  and  Extinguishers,  12 
Can't  bo  too  Cautious,  214 
Ciiii/.,,nct  on  Crinoline,  79 
Cuvr,  Canis,  139 
Chair  of  the  Doubter  (The),  158 
Chance  of  an  Old  Master  (A),  18 
Chant  :ibout  Exeter  Hall  (A),  258 
Cheap  and  not  Nice  Governesses,  147 
Child  (joins  n-lx'ecgiiK;,  131 
(  him..-.!'  Hoy  (The),  93 
Chim-su  Chronology  ('Cording  to  CobJen), 

Chinese  Donkey  (The),  109 

Chinese  Election  Song,  123 

C'hristmas  Box  for  a  Good  Clown  (A\  4 

Christinas  in  the  Workhouse,  1 

Christmas  Puz/.Ie  (A),  30 

Circle  of  Fashion  (The),  8 

Clean  Hands,  1:1.1 

Clergymen  of  all  Colours,  158 

Clerical  Quietist  (A),  60 

Clicquot  Translated,  S3 

Clicquot's  Glee,  182 

Club  Fare,  13 

Cobden's  Capability,  101 

Cobdenisms  un  China,  103 

Cocks  and  Bulls  of  the  Calendar,  107 

Comforting  Circular  (A),  144 

Comic  Songs  of  Old  (The),  147 

Comicalities  of  the  Pope's  Progress,  230 

Comparatives  are  Odious,  13 


Completion  of  the  Nelson  Column,  100 

Copy  Book  Maxims,  153 

Couple  of  Reasons  (A),  197 

Court  Almoner  Extraordinary  (A),  62 

Criminal  Law  of  Copyright  Wanted,  200 

Crinoline  in  the  Studio,  177 

Crinoline     viewed     as    a    Depopulating 

medium,  171 

Crinoline's  Haging  Fury,  41 
Cross  for  the  Peace  Society  (A),  170 
Cry  of  the  Chinese  Party  (Th«),  1O8 
Cucumber  and  the  Bottle  (The),  214 

Cullry,  207 

Cure  for  Crinoline  (A),  62 

HAM  iso  Mad,  190 

De  Balloonatico,  153 

"  Dear  Bill,  this  Stone-Jug,"  49 

Delights  of  Spriug  (The),  2:19 

Demurrer  to  Murrongh,  i>7 

Derby's  Three  Serving  Men,  121 

Disturbers  of  Public  Harmony,  1T.7 

"Divini!  Williams  "of  Lambeth,  IfiO 

Divinity  of  Cotton  (The),  70 

Domestic  Economy  of  Time,  150 

Douglas  Jerrold,  243 

Dramatic  Art-Treasures,  233 

Dust  from  a  Bath  Brick, !« 

Dyspeptic  of  the  I  lome  Office  (The),  22 

EHKNE/ER  and  the  Establishment,  183 

Ecclesiastical  Fashions,  214 

Editors  who  have  Seen  the  World,  193 

Effect  of  Crinoline  on  Parties,  57 

Effects  of  the  Comet's  Shock,  344 

Election  Intelligence,  113 

Eli'^'y  on  (ireemvu-li  Fair,  157 

Encore  Swindle  (The),  7 

Ermine  and  the  Motley  (The),  209 

Ever-Persecuted  Saints  (The),  30 

Examinations  for  Commissions  in  the 
Army,  14!( 

Exclusive  of  Bickleigh  Vale  (The),  19 

Eieter  Hull  in  rarliami'iit,  231 

Expected  Comet  (The),  94 

Experience  of  a  Borrower  (The),  28 

Explosion  of  a  Miracle,  199 

Extraordinary  Flight  of  Geese,  70 

FAREWKU,  to  the  Fair,  118 

Fascinating  Christian  (A),  in:i,  1^-J 

Fashion  and  its  Victims  118 

Few  Mandarins  Wanted  (A),  70 

Fiddle-faddle  at  the  Font,  257 

'Fifty-six  at  the  Bar,  14 

Fine  Ladies  and  their  Tailors,  184 

Flowers  from  Cupid's  Garden,  213 

Flying  Notes  from  Coustauliue'a  Note- 
Book,  245 

Follow  Suit,  254 

"  For  the  Oak,  the  Brave  Old  Oak,"  152 

France  to  Naples,  11 

"  From  the  Don  to  the  Ganges,"  37 

Frozen-out  Tea-Gardeners  (The),  114 

Funny  Intelligence,  173 

GBSI.KB'S  Hat,  98 

"  'Gin  a  Body  meet  a  Body,"  92 

"  Giving  the  Office,"  167 

Glorious  News  for  the  Gentlemen,  43 

Gobemouche  (The),  71 

Gog  and  Magog  to  Pam,  103 

Great  Clock  Case  (The),  39 

Great  Incorruptible  (The),  132 

(in  it  Ship  (The),  236 

Guildhall  Poems  (The),  140 

HKADY  Stuff,  174 

HerooftheNiI(e),(The),3I 

Hieroglyphics  for  the  Head,  53 

Hint  to  Young  Mothers  (A),  21 

Homage  to  Hans  Christian  Andersen,  11 


Homage  to  King  Handel,  251 

Home  Question  Settled  at  Ijut  (A),  112 

Homo  Truths,  160 

Hoop  and  Jupe,  63 

Horse  on  the  Table  (The),  167 

House  of  Mental  Correction  (A),  99 

I  low  to  Behave  Ourselves,  48 

How  to  Cut  out  a  Muslin  Gown,  K! 

I]  i-.v  Fashions  Vary,  197 

How  History  Is  Written,  29 

How  to  Weed  Young    Persona    of   Bad 

Habit 

Husband  of  10,000  (A),  234 
Husband's  Own  Fault  (The),  69 
IC-K  State  of  Things  (An),  64 
I  nipnrtant  1    We  Stop  the  Press,  103 
In  lie  Parte  Disraeli,  Ex  pane  Gladstone, 

110 

Instinct,  258 
Invitation  (An),  104 
Is  Eating  Salmon  Injurious  ?  161 
Is  Smoking  Injurious  ?  92 
•  lAi'KANApKS  Development  Society.  41 
Janus  Type,  162 

.Insults  on  the  Austrian  Stage,  140 
lolly  Gardener's  Club  (A),  22U 
John  Chinaman,  18 
John  Trot  at  the  Koyal  Academy,  200 
KKKI-  for  Common  People,  109 
Keys  for  Queer  Characters,  57 
Killing  Time  by  Inches,  193 
Knee  Plush  Ultra  (The),  207 
"  Know  thyself,"  169 
Knowledge  of  Uncommon  Things,  73 
I. A  Cl.'mi-M/ji  di  Bomba,  190 
Ladies'  Liquor  Law,  258 
Last  Resource  (The),  252 
Latest  from  America  (The),  13 
Laureate  on  the  New  Year  (The),  :17 
Lawyer  out  of  his  Depth,  121 
Leap-Frog,  44 

Likes  of  Lord  Derby  (The),  124 
Lilliputian  Legislation,  9 
Lines  to  the  Coalition,  103 
Literature  for  Ladies,  51 
Living  Monuments,  255. 
Logarithms — Loggerheads,  232 
Lord  Palmerston  a  "  Brick,"  2 
Lord  Palmerston  at  Tussand's,  130 
Lord  Palnierston  at  Southampton,  17 
Louis  Napoleon  Legitimized,  210 
Lunacy  in  Shoe  Lane,  63 
M.  AI.EXANIIHK  DUMA»  on  Elections,  1  lii 
•vUrl.nli  at  Astley's,  12 
Manager  without  Guile  (A),  3 
Manchester  Exhibition  (The),  204 
Mangling  Done  Here,  49 
Manners,  171 

Marriage  and  its  Difficulties,  194 
Mary  Ann's  Notions,  2,  29,  39,  47,  52,  87, 

109,  &c. 

Mean  W retell— jnst  like  'em  (A),  209 
Medicine  under  the  Maine  Law,  231 
Meddlers  with  Matrimony,  78 
Members'     Early    Closing     Association 

(The),  119 
Mental  Morphine,  40 
Metropolitan  Fancy  Black  Beetle  Show, 

59 

Milliner's  Shop  is  only  a  Duck  Pond(A),31 
Minister's  Lecture  (A),  23 
Miseries  of  a  White  Neckclot'.i  ("file),  82 
Misplaced  Affection,  241 
More  Art-Treasures,  53 
M,,st  Desirable  Drain  (A),  258 
Mother  of  the  Regiment  (The),  180 
Mrs.  Durden's  Appeal  to  Parliament,  57 


Mrs.  Jones's  Model  Omnihin,  1ST 
Mud-Fishes  (The),  163, 169 
.My  Income  Tax,  64 
Myth  of  Pan  and  Pam  (The),  137 
NAPIKB  Letter  Writer  (The),  'J-'l 
"  Ne  Sutor,"  71 

of  the  Coalition  (The),  119 
Nestor  and  Agamemnon,  187 
New  Beer  Bill  (The),  94 
New  Literary  Fund  (A),  67 
New  Members'  Guide  (The),  193 
Newcastle  Noodledom,  42 
No  Joke  for  a  Jury,  62 
Note  from  Nelson  (A),  72 
Notices  of  Insolvency,  169 
Nuisance  Corrected  by  Itself  (A),  91 
ODITDAKV,  169,  202 
Ode  to  Humphrey  Brown,  187 
Ode  to  the  Princess  Koyal,  226 
l  lid  Friend  Decapitated  (An),  2.V. 
Old  Joke  with  a  New  Face  to  it,  2i>2 
Opinions  of  a  Disappointed  Man,  173 
Organization  of  Plunder  (The),  34 
Oude  in  the  City,  164 
Our  Bootyful  Directors,  173 
Our  Filth  and  our  Felons,  9 
'•  Our  Isthmian  Games,"  232 
PALHBEBTON,  Birds,  Beasts,  Fishes,  183 
Pam's  Valentine  to  Britannia,  78 
Pantomime  and    the    Workhouse  (The), 

73 

Parchment  Practice,  197 
Parliament  and  no  Talk!  160 
Parliamentary  Punster  (The),  251 
Passing  Toll  (A),  120 
Pastoral  from  the  Hue  and  Cry,  244 
Pattern  Piety,  187 
Perfect  on  Both  Sides,  149 
Perils  of  Piano-Playing  (The),  207 
Persecution  in  Belgium,  235 
Petticoat  Government,  255 
Physic  and  its  Faces,  107 
Picture  and  This  (This),  50 
Pictures  without  a  Home,  258 
Pill  for  the  Medical  Profession  (A),  128 
Pity  the  Poor  Unemployed,  74 
'•  Playhouse  is  in  Flames  (The),"  SO 
Playhouse  Paroxysms,  113 
Pocket-Boroughs,  147 
Poisoned  Tea,  110 
Politeness  in  High  Life,  251 
Political  Absenteeism,  Ml 
Polonius  of  the  Palace  (The),  147 
Poor  Patronising  the  Rich  (The),  183 
Popular  Delusion  (A),  204 
Press  In  Paris  (The),  79 
Princess  Royal  at  Westminster  (The),  124 
Princesses'  Spectacle  (The),  123 
Prose  of  the  Pulpit.  171 
Punch  Among  the  Poultry,  31 
Punch  Right  Again  for  the  Derby ! ! !  'Jill 
Punch's  Complete  Tradesman,  78, 87,  117, 

121,138,143 
Punch's  Essence  of  Parliament,  01,  72, 91, 

101,111, 198, 201,  Ac. 
Punch's  Pot  Pourri  Pour  Rire,  21 
Punch's  Prerogative  of  Mercy,  58 
QUEEN'S  Ball  Practice  (The),"68 
Queen's  Speech  (The),  8 
Queen's  Speech  to  the  Ladies  (The),  177 
Queer  Party  (A),  256 
RADELAIH  in  Pimlico,  43 
Rampant  Anglo-Russianism,  138 
Kat  in  the  House  (A).  i;i 
Recipes  for  a  Happy  New  Year,  4 
"  Record  "  on  the  Turf  (The),  141 
Reflection  for  the  Pew,  79 


262 


INDEX. 


[JUNE  27,  1857. 


Religion  in  a  Playbill,  128 

"  Resolute  (The),"  14 

Resolute  and  the  Irresolute  (The),  11 

Revival  .if  Witchcraft,  159 

Rights  of  Women  (The),  130,  209 

Koar  from  the  Helvetian  Lion  (A),  139 

Kogue  and  the  Racehorse  (The),  203 

Komance  of  High  and  Low  Life  (A),  100 

Royal  Nursery  Rhymes,  180 

Russell's  Lectures,  219 

Ruskin  at  the  Feet  of  Spurgeon,  129 

Russia  In  France,  182 

"  SAFE  as  the  Bant"—  (British  to  Wit) 

173 

Sale  or  Sell,  234 
Savage  Custom  (A),  38 
Schoolmaster  in  the  City  (The),  180 
Scotland  Again  in  Mourning,  42 
Servant's  Warning  (The),  23 
"  Set  a  Thief  to  Catch  a  Thief,"  17 
ShakKpearian  Note  and  Query  (A),  199 
Shoe- Black  Brigade  (The),  80 
Shop-Hunting  Intelligence,  21 
Short  Way  with  a  Lunatic  (A),  265 
Siege  of  Greenwich  (The).  24 
Singers  in  the  Sawdust,  222 
Sir  Charles  Napier  at  Sea,  188 
Sir  Robert  I'eel  Explains,  74 
Sir  Robert  Heel  on  Moscow,  235 
Sir  Robert  Peel's  Descent  on  Moscow  !  27 
Snippings  and  Clippings,  187 
Social  Intelligence,  7 
Social  Treadmill  (The),  178, 181. 191,  208 

211,229,253 

Solon  Goose  to  Malmesbury  (The),  214 
Some  More  Chapters  in  the  History  of 

John  Bull.  67,  77 
Something  New  on  Heads,  102 
Song  and  Glee  of  Merry  England,  163 

Song  of  the  Tickct-of-Leave  Man,  22 

Song  of  the  Rejected,  8 

Sones  by  a  Caged  Bird,  139 

Sorrows  of  Gentility  (The),  90 

Southwark  and  the  Baltic,  179 

Sparks  from  Flints,  152 

Speaker  in  Rhyme  (The),  164 

Spirits  by  Retail,  27 

Sports  in  High  Life,  19 

Spring  Assizes  (The),  38 

St.  Januarius  and  St.  Palmerston,  207 

Stanzas  to  Soapey  Sam,  230 

Starvation  of  Loyal  Minds,  17 

Strange  Mysteries  in  this  World,  183 

Surgeon  to  Ms  Henchman  (The).  10 

Surgeon's  Wind  (The),  80 

Swan  of  Avon  a  Goose  (The),  179 

Sweeping  Denunciation,  256 

Sweet  Uses  of  Adversity  (The),  107 

TAKING  Off  the  Income-Tax,  77 

Tallow  and  Gruel,  214 

Teacher's  Work  for  a  Scullion's  Wages 
(A),  54 


Teetotal  FalsUff  (A),  219 

Temptation  of  a  very  Bad  Joke  (The), 

119 

Ten  Towns  (The),  51 
Things  that  it 's  Better  to  do.  21 
Things  which  no  Bachelor  will  do.  8 
Thirty  Thousand  Pounds'  Worth  of  Sor- 
i      row,  225 
1  Three-Legged  Stool  (The),  149 

Tickets-of-Leave  !  63 
I  Tickets-of- Leave  to  Ride,  18 
Tilt  at  the  Toll  Gates  (A),  197 
Tittle-Tattle  at  the  Tittle-Tattlers'  Club, 

189 

To  Remove  Inkstalns,  150 
Too  Hard  on  the  Turf,  1S7 
Tragedy  in  Fleet  Street,  193 
Training  for  Court,  246 
Tranquillity  on  Washing  Day,  57 
'Transatlantic  Tigers,  255 
Triumph  of  Art  (A),  21 
Tubular  Bridge  of  Fashion  (A),  60 
Two  Artists  Rolled  into  One,  69 
Two  Life-Dramas,  151 
Two  Pedestals  (The),  189 
ULTBA-Protestant  Precaution,  29 
Umbrellometer  (The),  230 
Un-English  History,  108 
I  "  Unity  is  Strength  "—of  Appetite,  207 
:  Unseasonable  Benevolence,  3 
Unwarrantable  Liberty,  200 
Utrum  Ilarum  Mavis  Accipe,  163 
VEBY  ill  Weed,  (A),  20 
Very  Low  Church  Indeed  I  9 
'WARK  Russian  Railways,  169 
Ways  and  Means.  3;i 
Weather  and  the  Croppers  (The),  28 
Weavers,  the  Duke,  aud  the  Duchess  (The\ 

188 

Weed  in  the  Workhouse  (The),  242 
Wellington  Monument  (The),  234 
What  I  Heard,  Saw,  and  Thought,  at  the 

Sydenham  Festival,  257 
What  Locksley  Hall  said,  <&c.,  218 
What 's  Bred  in  the  Stone,  258 
Who  is  to  Stand  it  ?  20 
Who  Names  the  Navy  ?  212 
Why  Ladies  cannot  Sit  in  Parliament,  99 
Wicked  Scotch  Swallow  (The),  187 
Wisdom  of  the  Lord  Mayor,  225 
Wise  Precaution  (A),  258 
Witty  Reply  of  a  London  Manager  (A),  18 
Wordy  and  Verdi,  192 
Wreath  of  Veteran  Colonels  (The),  232 
YAXKEK  Vatican  (A),  194 
Yankee  Walker  (The),  258 
Ye  Pleasaunte  Dreame  of  Ctelebs,  252 
Ye  Unsettled  Accompt,  202 
Yen's  Husbandry,  154 
"Yes, 'Tis  the  Spell!"  131 


LARGE  ENGRAVINGS:— 

BALANCING  Brothers  of  Westminster,  85 

Huhind  the  Scenes,  135 

Blue  Riband  of  the  Turf  (The),  216 

Consiantine  Pry's  Visit  to  England,  237 

Criminal  Indulgence,  25 

Descend,  ye  Nine  !  65 

Dowry  of  the  Princess  Royal  (The),  217 

French  Game  of  Leap  Frog  (The),  45 

Great  and  Important  Event,  165 

Great  Chinese  Warriors  Dah-Bee  and 

Cob- Den  (The),  95 
IIo»  they  Settled  NeufchiUel!  227 
Invitation  (An),  105 
Jolly  GarJener  (The),  205 
Lesson  to  John  Chinaman  (A),  185 
.  New  Broom  (The),  195 
Old  Hand  (An),  165 
Opening  of  Parliament,  175 
I'al-er-ton's  New  Game,  35 
Pam,  Winner  of  the  Great    National 

Steeple-Chace,  125 
Poor  Frozen-Out  Tea-Gardeners  (The), 

Prussian  Disturber  of  the  Peace  (The),  15 

Recoil  of  the  Great  Chinese  Gun  Trick, 
145 

Seven  Pence  to  the  Bank,  75 

Strange  Bed-fellows,  259 

Swell  Mob  at  the  Opening  of  Parlia- 
ment, 55 

Switzerland  Warming  the  Snake,  5 

Training-School  for  Ladies  about  to 
Appear  at  Court,  248 


SMALL  ENGRAVINGS  :— 

ALL  Good  Boys  Die,  you  Know,  131 
Art  of  Polite  Conversation  (The),  70 
Art-Progress,  174 
Astounding    Announcement    from    the 

Country  Butcher,  232 
Cherub  Cobden  and  Chernb  Bright,  147 
Circumference    Should    bo    Thirty-Six 

Feet  (The),  30 

Coat  of  Arms  for  Sir  Charles,  198 
Cool  Request,  50 
Dignity  and  impudence,  180 
Dismay  of  Tootles,  21 
Dweadful  Accident  in  High  Life,  74 
Fancy  Portrait— Member  far  Sheffield, 

244 
Fearful  Practical  Joke  played  with  a 

Child's  Balloon  on  a  Swell,  164 
Festive  Season  (The),  4 
Flunkeiana,  40 
Friendly  Mount  (A),  34 
Garotting !    Where  are  the  Police  ?  108 
General  View  of  a  General  Election,  140 


Good  Gracious !    She's  at  Home !   191 

Good  Liver  (A),  64 

Great  Tobacco  Controversy(The),  91, 182 

Homage  to  Hans  Christian  Andersen,  11 

In  a  Hurry,  44 

Ingenious  Mr.  Flyrod  (The),  253 

Innate  Politeness,  58 

Is  Smoking  Injurious?  124 

It  is  Quite  Possible  to  have  Too  Much 

of  a  Good  Thing,  258 
Latest  case  of  Witchcraft  (The),  188 
Lord  John  Settling  the  Jew  Bill,  213 
Macbeth  at  Astley's,  12 
Makin'  fun  of  bus  in  that  Ridic'Ious 

Manner,  212 

Man  of  Some  Consequence  (A),  24 
Moral  Lesson  from  the  Nursery  (A),  130 
Moustache  Movement  (The),  100 
Mr.  Hobble-de-Hoye  and  the  Chesnuts, 

71 

Mrs.  Mopus's  H's,  194 
N.B.,  94 
New  Straw  Stables  at  Aldershot  (The), 

210 
None  of  that  Horrid  Washing  these  cold 

mornings,  54 

Of  a  very  Studious  Turn,  154 
Offended  Dignity,  121 
Old  Mr.  Wiggles,  20 
Omnibus  drawn   by  Quadrupeds  with 

Prominent  Ribs,  245 
Order  of  the  Thistle  (The),  142 
Our  Own  Vivandiere,  221 
Out  for  the  Day,  104 
IVgasus,  by  our  Irish  Artist,  208 
Poser  (A),  204 

Returning  from  the  Derby,  226 
Koyal  Academy,  1857,  200 
Scene— A  Club,  144 
Scene  from  a  Melodrama  of  Private  Life, 

60 

Scene,  Greenwich  :  The  Last  Train,  236 
Sensitive  Young  Creatures,  8 
Servantgalism,  242 
Shirt  Dilemma  (The),  223 
Shuttle-cock  Nuisance,  134 
Smoke  Controversy  (The),  171 
Social  Treadmill  (The),  181, 191 
Terrible  Apparition  ! ! !  173 
Thank  Goodness!  Fly-fishing  has  begun, 

170 

Touching,  114 
Under  the  Mistletoe,  10 
Very  Shocking  Boy,  Indeed,  190 
Vocal  Quartet  Ends  (Lamely),  110 
What  can  you  Say  for  your  Friends  ? 

What  Next?  158 
Where  are  the  Police  ?  48 
(W)hole  Holiday  (A),  14 
Wholesome  Feast,  150 
Wonderful  Intelligent  Child,  160 


I.OXDOX: 
BBADBUnT  ASD  EVAK3,  FBIXTKB8,  TCII 


' 


LONDON : 

PUBLISHED    AT    THE    OFFICE,    85,     FLEET    STREET, 

AXD   SOLD   BY  ALL  BOOKSELLERS. 
1857. 


i.VAN*S    I'RINILRS,    ^\  ill  1  I  > 


TTTHEN  the   Daughter   of   England   was   asked  in  marriage  by  the    Son  of  Prussia,  her   Royal    Parents 
naturally  sought  the  advice  of  their  sincerest  friend. 

"  VICTORIA  ADELAIDE  M^RY  LOUISA  is  young,"  replied  MR.  PUNCH.  "  She  was  born,  Madam, 
on  the  21st  of  November,  1840.  Your  illustrious  bride,  Prince,  tarried  somewhat  longer,  longer  even 
than  her  volunteer  Laureat,  LEIGH  HUNT,  ordained: — 

"  '  And  when  nineteen  years  have  brought 
Steady  eye  and  serious  thought, 
You ' 

Do  you  remember  the  passage,  dear  Madam  ?  It  occurred  in  a  cleverly-phrased  poem,  almost  worthy 
of  PUNCH,  written  when  some  provincial  magnates  had  displayed  more  than  usual  folly  in  what  they 
deemed  honour  of  yourself,  a  young  lady  of  ten  years." 

"  How  you  remember  things,"  observed  the  QUEEN,  with  a  smile. 

"  I  can  forget  nothing  that  entwines  itself  with  the  fortunes  of  my  most  gracious  Lady  and 
Mistress,"  said  MR.  PUNCH,  with  exquisite  tenderness  and  a  bow  of  the  deepest  devotion.  "  And  as  I 
approve  of  early  marriages,  where  the  prospects  of  the  young  couple  are  tolerably  favourable  (as  I  think 
we  may  regard  those  of  VICTORIA  and  FREDERIC),  they  shall  have  what  good  DR.  PRIMROSE  calls  fmy 
consent  and  bounty.' " 

So  the  Kings  and  Queens  of  the  Earth  sent  presents,  and  MR.  PUNCH,  invited  by  the  Princess-fiancee, 
went  to  the  Castle  to  see  the  unpacking.  The  Jaunty  Viscount  also  came  down,  and  having  learned 
that  there  was  some  porter's  work  to  do,  ordered  in  a  couple  of  his  men,  who,  he  remarked,  were  just 
fit  for  that  sort  of  thing.  Hearing  this  direction,  MR.  PUNCH  was  in  no  way  surprised  to  see  VERNON 
SMITH  and  CHARLES  WOOD  enter  humbly,  and  begin  to  open  the  boxes. 

"  The  EMPEROR  OF  RUSSIA  sends  a  statuette  of  an  Emancipated  Serf,"  said  WOOD,  "  as  a  chimney- 
piece  ornament.  His  own  doing." 

"  Hm,"  said  MR.  PUNCH.  "  I  should  like  to  see  the  set  complete.  However,  if  he  is  about  it  in 
earnest,  Heaven  prosper  him.  What's  that,  SMITH?" 

"  From  the  QUEEN  OF  SPAIN,  your  Grace.  A  golden  cup,  used  at  the  christeuing  of  the  PRINCE  ALFONSO." 

"  Get  HANCOCK  to  test  whether  it  is  gold,"  said  MR.  PUNCH.     "  I  hope  it  has  that  value." 


IV. 


PREFACE. 


[DECEMBER  26,  1857. 


"  The  EMPEROR  OF  AUSTRIA — a  silver  model  of  the  Buda-Pesth  Suspension  Bridge." 

"Built  by  an  Englishman — so  far  appropriate — but  I  hope  the  CJESAR  has  not  forgotten  how  his 
legions  caught  it,  thereabouts,  from  Hungarian  patriots." 

"  KING  PEDRO,  of  Portugal — a  splendid  Atlas." 

"  Good  boy.     Let  him  open  South  Africa  to  DR.  LIVINGSTONE." 

"  VICTOR  EMANUEL,  of  Sardinia,  a  beautiful  little  lighthouse  in  silver,  for  pastiles." 

"  His  kingdom  being  Italy's  beacon,  and  almost  overpowering  Neapolitan  assafoetida — good,"  said 
MR.  PUNCH.  "  Suppose  he  had  been  a  Protestant,"  whispered  he,  playfully,  to  the  Princess. 

"  It  would  have  been  very  good  for  his  interests — hereafter,"  replied  the  young  lady,  demurely,  and 
then  laughing  as  Seventeen  should  laugh. 

"  ABDUL  MEDSCHID,"  said  WOOD  (after  several  blunders  over  the  name),  "  an  alabaster  model  of 
St.  Sophia's,  and  the  Princess's  name  in  coloured  mosaics,  from  the  dome  of  the  original." 

"  Thanks  to  the  Princess's  Mamma,  and  to  me,  llussian  psalmody  has  not  brought  those  mosaics 
down  like  rain,  long  ago.  Let  us  hope  that  his  Highness  will  remember  the  fact." 

"  The  EMPEROR  OF  THE  FRENCH — only  a  congratulatory  letter.  O  yes,"  said  WOOD,  (who  can't  be 
accurate),  "  inscribed,  ( With  four  white  ponies,  docile  as  French  senators,  and  as  little  likely  to  kick  over  traces.'  " 

"  But,"  said  MR.  PUNCH,  "  not  the  things  to  drive  up  Constitution  Hill.  N'importe,  the  graceful 
thought  was  the  gracious  EUGENIE'S,  whom  I  love." 

"Upon  my  word!"  said  HER  MAJESTY,  laughing. 

"Here  is  something  from  America,"  exclaimed  SMITH.  "With  PRESIDENT  BUCHANAN'S  kind 
regards.  A  little  statue  of  GEORGE  WASHINGTON,  in  gold." 

"  You  have  one  already,  my  dear,  just  done  by  one  MICHAEL  ANGELO  TITMARSII,  and  a  better 
likeness,  on  that  table,"  said  PRINCE  ALBERT,  glancing  at  the  '  Virginians.'  "  But  the  President  is  very  kind." 

Dinner  was  announced,  and  a  lot  of  boxes  from  the  small  kings  and  kiuglets,  Bavaria,  Baden, 
Tuscany,  Greece,  and  so  forth,  were  sent  up  to  the  nursery,  to  be  opened  for  the  amusement  of  HELENA, 
LOUISA,  ARTHUR,  LEOPOLD,  and  BEATRICE. 

"  I  will  not  let  the  soup  chill  while  I  deliver  a  speech,"  said  MR.  PUNCH,  stepping  forward ;  "  but 
one  other  Potentate  has  humbly  to  pray  your  Royal  Highness's  acceptance  of  something — " 

And  kneeling  on  one  manly  knee,  he  made  his  offering. 

"  Worth  all  the  rest,  ten  thousand  times,"  exclaimed  the  Royal  Bride,  echoed  by  all  present. 

And  they  were  right,  for  it  was  KING  PUNCH'S 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1857. 


'FSf 

^^^_^^^^ —         f- 

#• 

r  U ,  o*5  -»Wi  ir-i  *  i  *»  i » » i 

.-' -^  ^ 


Januai-y  xxxi  Days. 

February  xxviii  Days. 

March  xxxi  Lays. 

iffi 
a  f 

Oifc-mci..   I  1 

78      Pr.nkU»  b. 
<S    as.fEplp. 

i!s  •»•-• 

1  M     C.n,L  • 

n 

I/;,  in  I,«,n  |17  Tu  St  I'.Uick 

6T 

7  W 

2S.»ft.Ch.[  2 
[Tw.L  D  |  2 
Kp.pl.-nj-    p 
Koiiuy    d.!  S 

i  Tu   K.t.ua 
1  W    AKD« 

4  \V   s.  (.'41153m    LHJH 

4Ti.  AK»ih.      .IHT 

•-  ¥       IT  M 

»       [d.  17.1 
r  8.  •-  Mil  7 
h           (160 
VoIUn* 

85 
« 

S.  r.6l,44iu 
KnbcrWb. 

M  Atl4" 

PT 
K 
-.  S 

-•-'S 

•           [l'«4k 
8p.in,lJ.e. 
tl«n«lict 

4S.,,  r,.nL 

9V 

LneUn  CM  '  * 
Ah  p.  L.ml  '  2 
[H.T.b*   2 

IS         [CDS.J'.,,| 

S  S    38.«f.Kpip. 

!  M      Hr.nl  ditf. 

H  S     KptU|.    * 
9  M     Unmlry  m 
1«  In  U.  Vic.  m. 

Jl  T 

H.rte 

s;g 

2b.in  l*.n. 

8.  *.  Shftlm 

1M  T 
J.r.  \V 

(Am 

I..dv   D.«, 

13  TT 
14  \V 

14  Tt 
IB  K 

Plough  M.   :  2!i  W    S.«.4h3Etin. 
f-m.  T.  ta.    3:*  Th   r,.,l.  81,57m 
0«f.T*r.  1*.   3i»  F      KC.M«tyr 

«,h^7*t318  !HiU"T'* 

11  Wl              [1H4I    _-.MV 

2JTI.            rlATOUlHT 

4a    VkiMtiM  ISejs 

Aih  \V>4. 
>  MOOM  d. 
8.  r.  61.iS2ni 

11  \V 
I2TI 
13  K 

US 
15  S 

;-.  M 

St.  Or^ory 
Tnlfourii  d 
Hyn,  .hoi 
3  S.i,,  L«nt 
Koil«u  U 

L^;  F 

5:<  S 
:«i  " 
ai  TI 

B^llilt** 
.<S  S.  In  1^1,1 
S.  r.  6h42M 
S.  ..61.30m 

April  xxx  Days. 

May  xxxi  Days. 

June  zxz  Days. 

i  as 

1  F 

il 

6)M 

.ftr.Bbata    Ifl 
8.t«h33«    17 
<"».  L  t.  T.  »     18 

Ui  f.uT  *    19 

PnlmSiin.       M 

oid  u.  n*.  si 

Pr.  l,r,,p.  [,.  ,22 
Fir*  !•!•    d,    .'. 

Tli  IMrT»  d. 
F          [d.  !68» 

8    [J.     J.rtfr»i 

W          *  [i'783 

To    Rp.Hrt..rb. 

w  0.4  a  T.b. 

Th  Si  U.«r» 

1  P  |P.  Arth.  b 
SS              [1HV 

as  fla.Vjt.,. 

4M    8.r.4h28m 
B  T  i  8.  PL  7hS?iD 
6W    St.  J,,hn 
7  Th       (Terni  B 

'19  TL 
ill  \V 

21  Th 
22,  F 
23  S 

Ai)iDinl*  ,! 

.St.   D.lri.t-Q 

[MolyThur 
AKHI.  U*r 
I            101! 
l_Q.  Vie.  b. 

1   M 

S;T" 
3'\V 

4T!> 

Sr 

M 

'§ 

Whit  M..n. 

Rmi>*r  U'k. 
|0«.T.T.b. 
Ji,.n!f.c» 

t:..rn«,  I.  b. 
Tf  ,  B.  8uD. 

IBTi 
17  W 

IM'l'l 
HlF 

M 

a.w2li 

"  taa 

Q".  Vk  A. 

8  *u.  ,f.Tr. 
[L.,,,,.,!., 

WTli 

lojlr- 

L.  rUena  d.    24 
OoodFrM.      2i 

P          [Alic*  b. 
>      M«rk.    Pri 

9S      Hf.-Qr.D.y 

ufi 

P*.   M.I.  b. 

ST.. 

7%.?Z.n 

14  \V 

rJ«B.pti.\ 
Midi.  O.y 

12  S 

IfflM 

K.«i«r  s.in    a; 

M    Gibbon    "h! 
Tu            [J73? 

1  M     Cb'alfum  d. 
BTu            [1778 

27  W 

&'rfa'i5&m 
8.  a.  Bli  1m 

1ITI 
jjlf 

TrU-T.  •. 

J.-p  '!  1 

G«K  IV.  'd. 
[0-O.IB3H 

14  T     (HWI.  d,         |g 
15  W    K-.t,,  T.b.  31 

W   8.  t.  4h3Km 

«Th         (iRaj 

308 

Oif.KT.fc 

^:;^ 

8  Su.  mt.Ti. 

1                             1 

SS       H.0fAll,  ifr. 

",J* 

u|S 

8.  r.  ttMM 

JU  Tu 

8.».8hl8m 

July  xxxi  Days. 

August  xxxi  Days. 

September  xxx  Days. 

1  w 

in 
IP 
j  •' 

S.  r.3h49m   17 

;Ss.  M«rt-n    l:< 
T«Bfc     of    go 

F     Dr.  Womb. 

S      Sherlock   pi. 
§«  »u.  .(.Tr. 
M.rnrrt 

B    JLwBM 
'S  ,BSii.»f.Tr 
M     W.r.4h2flB 

I7M 
1HT> 
IB  W 

DC  Kent  b. 

M.U.I.hhd. 
Kdw.l.er. 

I 

St  OilM 

8.  r.  Ah  15m 
S.  *.  6li4lHu 

'MV 

711. 
UK 

£S£ 

j  • 

4  S,..«r.Tr-  21 

Tu     K.  It.irn.  d. 

51.  Mid.Div!  !2 

•V     M.KpUifii. 

Tl.   Pr     AlfMd 

7Tu 
8  W 
9Tb 
10  P 

11  s 
i-.'S 

Th..-».Bw  «3 
D.  Camb.  d-   24 

•  r.  ]•  ,  ...  25 

ttt.TJZt  27 
S8u.kf.Tr.  \'JR 

I'ii   |Uk«ol704 
V      Oibrtlur 
f       pJ(.J.n,M 
§78a.mf.Tr. 
[Ana. 

F     Qu  C.r  4. 

S     G.  CM.  H. 
S    9S.«f.Tr. 

M     Uwrtoci 

TII   H.lf  (j,,.,. 

ss 

25  T. 
W  W 

11  S.  nf.Tr. 
St.  B*.tli"l. 
[1819 
Pr.Albcrlb. 

| 

r>Th 

1;K 

Kiarchu.     1 
NutaV-M.' 

p«p.    1I15S  , 

Ulfhu.low 

n  w 
;4  Tit 

Jft  F 

Ml 

Sl.  Malt. 
D.nm.n    d. 
Anui.  -Q.  b. 
8.  r.  51.60m 
Holy  All,,. 

15  \V 

Hi  Tl 

if..!i»y    d.  29, 

u»ui.  d».  ,»>. 

*L  Siritlp.n    31 

•V             [1830 

'h   Ch.X.d«ih. 

* 

Th  Ol.  I.  .mm*. 
F       [Uuon.p.  k 

S    ii^'^-u. 

29  S 

SS 

!Sa.^Tr. 

8.  t.  Bh47m 

a;s  iM8..f.Tr. 

4  M   !  Holy  CroM 
(Tu  [DW.lLd-  1 

"j  TH 

d  W 

S.  •.  6h45m 
Mirh.D.y 

October  xxxi  Days. 

November  xxx  Days. 

December  xxxi  Days. 

1  Th   femfglui    1     7 
2  F      8.  i.  ft  4ml  1)1 

>     198.,f.Tt. 

§21  S.  .f.Tr. 
All  Soul. 

JM 

17|T., 

H^B-Jt 

1  T.I  S.  r7h4fim.    17Th'OifM.T.«. 

2  W    S   i.;K,Wm    1HK    j  Or.m-ldi  h 

4S     1  7  S.  «f.Ti.   80, 

j      f,  ,f  1805 

W  [  I»k,m" 

iSrii 

Rplt*BI    b. 

8.  r.  7h27m 

3Th   Ili.-m.riLb.    198    ]S    -  Shta 
4'P   .  Cl.  Rich.  d.  20  s    *s  <»  *'"- 

[b.  1840 

(H    1  Motirtd.      ill  C 

7  XV 
8  Th 
9  P 
108 

n  a 
la2?.. 

(1754  23 
•Wdinn  d.    *4 
It  Denv.»      25 
>t.*CT.K    26 
8S.«f.Tr,    27 
OldM.c.n     2H 
fcdw.  Coaf.    2  1 

'    B.  or  kd.. 

ret  CrUpln 
!     J08.  nf.Tr. 
1     a  *.  4h44n 

•'.    -"up  (Took  b. 
V    Sim.  ItJuU, 

S    22  S.  if.Tr 
M     IA.  M.j.D. 

W  ['"'""^Ml 
Tli  a  T.  d.  m. 

21  K 

J4  Tu 
25  W 

?'   Th 

Pra.    Koyal 
24&.f.Tr. 
-t  Cltmcnl 

ICathcrin* 
(^  1833 

6S     ^Su.  inAd.    2ST', 
7lM  i  fS.Nichul..   23  W 
UTnC.BT.Muy   24  Th 
WWiOro.   .h.  ID.    2S  K 
OTh   Chalinfrtd.1  86  g 
•F      S.  r.;h«8n  ig?  s 
28          [Sl-Lucv   28  g 

«.  •-  31.61  M 
:>..  bk^'fi!, 

i!:'i?;pE:.r 

*   W                 [1B16    3'.  F  '    x'V'f'l.V'm 

.  M     H.  ,  31,49m    a 

9V      KiJ.fcU.bi| 

I 

j.  Andrtw. 

6!Tu   [C.  M.  1  .f.    3 
W    KatKbWk, 

Wf"- 

PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  FOR   1857. 


FIRE-SIDE  SAINTS. 
St.  JDoHp.— At  an  early  age,  ST.  DOLT.V 
uliowed  the  sweetness  of  her  nature  by 
her  tender  love  for  her  widowed  father ;  a 
baker,  dwelling  at  Pie-Corner,  with  ft 
large  family  of  little  children.  It  chanced 
that,  with  bad  harvest*,  bread  became  BO 
dear  that,  of  course,  bakers  were  ruined 
by  high  prices.  The  miller  fell  upon 
UoULTl  father,  and  swept  the  shop  with 
his  golden  thumb.  Not  a  bed  was  left  for 
the  baker  or  his  little  ones.  ST.  DOLLY 
slept  upon  a  flour-sack,  having  prayed 
that  good  angels  would  help  her  to  help 
her  lather.  Now,  Bleeping,  she  dreamt 
that  the  oven  was  lighted,  and  she  felt 
falling  in  a  shower  about  her  raisins, 
currants,  almonds,  lemon-peel,  flour,  with 
heavy  drops  of  brandy.  Then  in  her 
dream  she  saw  the  fairies  gather  up  the 
things  that  tVIl,  and  knead  them  Into  a 
cake.  They  put  the  cake  into  the  oven; 
and,  dancing  round  and  round,  the  fairies 
vanished,  crying— Draw  the  cake,  DOLLY; 
DOLLY,  draw  the  cake.  And  DOLLY  awoke 
and  drew  th«  cake;  and,  behold,  it  was 
the  first  Twelfth  Cake,  sugared  at  the  top, 
and  bearing  three  images  of  Faith.  Hope, 
and  Charity.  Now  this  cake,  shewn  in 
the  window,  came  to  the  King's  ear;  and 
the  King  bought  the  cake,  knighted  the 
baker,  and  married  DOLLY  to  his  grand 
falconer,  to  whon  she  proved  a  faithful 
and  loving  wife,  bearing  him  a  baker's 
dozen  of  lovely  children. 

MODERN  IMPROVEMENT.—  We  venerate 
our  Saxon  forefathers;  and  ret,  by  their 
own  showing,  they  were  a  sad  lot.  VER- 
STEOAN  says,  that  in  January  wolves  were 
peculiarly  dangerous  to  his  contemporaries, 
"for  that  through  the  extremity  of  cold 
and  snow  these  ravenous  creatures  could 
not  find  other  beasts  sufficient  to  feed 
upon."  Other  beasts  I  VERSTEOAN,  thou 
wast  a  satirical  rogue. 

COKSKQUENCES  OP  PROGRESS.  —  When 
Railways  and  Electric  Telegraphs  shall 
have  abolished  Time  and  Space,  what 
will  become  of  watches  and  aldermen  ? 

ABIKS  presides  at  a  Berlin- Wool  show. 


K 

• 


MORAL  FOR  JANUARY 
Is  January,  o'er  the  ice, 

The  rapid  skater  flies, 
So  never  scorn  sincere  advice 

"  Economy  is  wise." 

Si.  9*tty.—  ST.  PATTY  was  an  orphan, 
and  dwelt  in  a  cot  wirh  a  sour  old  aunt. 
It  chanced,  It  being  bitter  cold,  that  threa 
hunters  came  and  craved  for  meat  and 
drink.  "  Park,"  said  the  sour  aunt; 
"neither  meat  nor  drink  have  ye  here." 
"Neither  meat  nnr  drink,"  said  PATTY, 
"but  something  better."  And  she  ran  and 
brought  some  milk,  some  eggs,  and  some 
flour,  and  beating  them  up,  poured  the 
batter  in  the  pan.  Then  she  took  the  pan, 
and  tossed  the  cake  once;  and  then  a  rnhin 
alighted  at  the  window,  and  kept  singing 
these  words—  One  good  turn  deserves  another. 
And  PATTY  tossed  and  tossed  the  cakes; 
and  the  hunters  ate  their  fill  and  departed. 
And  next  day  the  hunter  baron  came  in 
state  to  the  cot ;  and  trumpets  were  blown, 
and  the  heralds  cried—  One  good  turn 
deserves  another;  in  token  whereof  PATTY 
became  the  baron's  wife,  and  pancakes 
were  eaten  on  Sh rove-Tuesday  ever  after. 

MORAL  FOR   FEBRUARY. 

IN  February,  feathered  songsters  pair, 
The  crocus  and  the  snowdrop  rear  their 

heads ; 

Then  let  us  of  intemperance  beware, 
And   early   seek,  and  early  leave,  our 
beds. 

OPPORTUNITY  NEGLF.CTKD. — The  four- 
teenth of  February  is  pairing  day,  and 
what  a  fine  tiling  it  would  be  if  all  the 
talkative  simpletons  in  the  House  of  Com- 
mons would  take  a  hint  from  the  occasion, 
and  pair  off  for  the  Session  I 

COORAOK  IN   THE  CANINE  SPECIES.— The 

happy  possf^s-ior  of  a  pet  dog  can  generally 
testify  that  the  faithful  animal  will  lick 
anything. 

THE  RULE  OF  CTTPID.— A  Young  Lady 
may  %v  to  Court  only  in  Leap-year. 

KF.MABK  ov  LINEN. — Green  Erin  id  pre- 
ferable to  Brown  Holland. 


THUNDF,R  AND  LIGHTNING.— One  of  the  safest  places  during 
a  thunderstorm  is  an  omnibus  in  motion,  because  it  la  fur- 
nished with  a  conductor. 


ETYMOLOGY  OF  JANUARY. — Janus,  the  two-faced  god,  was 
the  god  of  humbug.  How  absurd,  then,  to  shut  his  temple  in 
the  time  of  peace,  when  war  is  succeeded  by  diplomacy  1 


CAUTION  FOR  THE  BALL-ROOM.— In  engaging  a  young  lady 
for  the  polka  or  the  "  next  set,"  make  mamma  clearly  under- 
stand that  the  partnership  is  to  be  one  of  Limited  Liability. 


UM,  Sent.  "Mourns',  sir  LOKD  -GLAD  TO  SEE  TOD  our  AdAisI-WHAT  I  LIKE  ABOHT  FOX-'UNTISO  is,  THAT  IT  ISII-BOVES  THE  BIIEED  OF  'OnsES-ASD  BBISOS  PEOPLE 

TOGETHER  AS  WOULDN'T  OTHERWISE   MEET  !  " 


PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  FOR   1857. 


RECREATIONS  IN  NATURAL 
HISTORY. 

MAHY    ol    Nature'*    mysteries 
have   hitherto    baffled    both    tint 
theory  of  the  speculators  RIM]  the 
vigilant  research  of  the  11 
enqni  mem  isthe  far. 

i  Speaking  TlYiiol  Si.iin.   At- 
tciition  h;is  recently  been  directed 
to  the  subject  in  consequence  of 
the  treaty  which  1ms  been  effected 
between   the   KINO  or  SIAM  and 
thH  QIIKI.X  UK  ENIII.ANI>,  and  pos- 
sibly   increased    fannlinrity   with 
this  strange  product  may  add  to 
our  information  an  to  its  nature. 
At  present  all    that   we   seem   I,. 
know  is,  that  the  Tree,  In  size  and 
form  some.what  resembling  a  birch 
tree,  emits  articulate  sounds  when 
a  person  approaches  it.    ri 
is  a  monotone,  but  peculiarly  dis- 
tinct, and  the  words,   which  are 
•  e,  are  generally  those  of 
11  and  contempt.    Thin  legs 
are  a  great  reproach  in  Sianj,  and 
a  person  coining  to  the  tree  will 
Hltnost   certainly  he  saluted  with 
tin-  exclamation  "JVi/ry 
wliich  is  equivalent  to  "  Now  then, 
skinny    calves."      The    favourite 
Siamese    wish    "  Diblog   bash    je- 
luckin,"      "  May    your    ears    be 
il,"  is  often  heard  from  the 
Speaking  Tree     The  voice  was 
thought  to  come  from  the  leaves, 
hut  the  late  Kiu^,ltis<  OTH  WUAIM, 
tree  n.  be  stripped  hare, 
and  the  dreadful  abuse  it  lavished 
on  the  operators  continued  after 
every  leaf  had  been  removed,    lie 
also  planted  a  grove  of  them  Dear 
the  palace,  but  the  trees  quarrelled 
so  frightfully,  and  exchanged  such 
hideous  threats,  that   they  had  to 
be  cut  down.    There  is  a  small 
specimen  at  the  Horticultural  Gar- 
dens,   at   Chiswick,   but    it    only 
squeaks  like  a  rat.  It  is  however, 
young. 


AN  INJURED  INDIVIDUAL. 


ToMKINS 


8  (v>ho  hat  mined  Mt  l.VJ,  hit  pr.ppfred  WII.KIXS).    "THBEK,  sow,  I'VE  A  DOOCKD  GOOD  MISD  TO  SAT 

I   LL  SKVKIi  COlUt  OUT  IHMBH   WITH   YOU  AOAIS— YOU 'hK  ALWAYS  QETOXQ  III  TU«  WAY  I ") 


FASHIONABLE   PROPHEC 

Cou>  weather  frequently  p 
valla  In  Ib67;  Airing  which  t 
obstinate  fashion  of  bonnets  wo 
on  the  occiput  given  rite  to  MT« 
pains  In  the  female  cranium,  lai 
and  jaws:  whence  the  off-bet 
dress  obtains  the  appellation 
The  Neuralgia  lioi.net.  Th 
being  a  hard  name,  Is  changed  t 
Tit-  Konnet;  and  ultimately  t! 
ridiculous  bonnets  which  ha1 
been  no  long  worn  without  havli 
been  worn  out,  are  called  Tics. 

St.  Voitt.-ST.  NOBAII  was 
poor  girl,  and  came  t»  l'i,-;Ui 
to  service.  Sweet-tempered  ai 
K>  title,  she  seemed  to  love  eve! 
tiling rhenpoke to.  Andshuprayt 
to  ST. PATBICK  that  he  would  gi' 
her  a  good  gift  that  would  ma] 
her  not  proud  but  us.'tul :  at 
Sr.  PATRICK,  out  of  his  own  hea 
taught  ST.  NOHAH  how  to  boil 
potato.  A  sad  thln^',  and  to  1 
lamented,  that  the  secret  has  con 
down  to  BO  few. 


HUB  A  I,  rOB  HABCJU. 

TIIK  winds  of  March  sweep  o'i 

the  plain, 

And  bid  the  dust  to  fly ; 
The  hares  in  March  become  Insani 

"Avol>'  loo,  cumpany." 


Tim  MAOIC  op  BEADTT.— Tl 
belief  that  any  old  woman  has  tl. 
power  of  charming  away  warts  j 
a  mere  superstition.  It  is  not  in 
possible  that  the  miracle  could  I 
performed  If  the  charmer  were 
very  enchanting  young  one. 

EFFECT  or  Uiou  WIVDS. — Sue 
is  the  violence  of  the  rquinoctin 
gales,  that,  during  their  previ 
fence,  tiles  very  often  become  pn 
jec  tiles. 


DiKKici'LTiKSON  HA»I>.— The  convict  question  may  not  be 
more  peculiarly  urgnnt  during  the  prevalence  of  cold  easterly 
winds;  nevertheless  we  are  then  especially  troubled  with  bad 
chaps,  and  sometimes  timi  it  a  hard  matter  to  Ket  rid  of  them 


QIUTK  NATUBAL.—  Naturalists,  when  they  writ*,  are  In 
the  habit  of  recording  such  wonderful  things,  that  on«  would 
imagine  they  laboured  under  the  idea  that,  instead  of  a 
Natural  History,  they  were  writing  a  History  for  Naturals! 


Tin  UABDIV.— A  moist  spring  favours  the  development  o 
plants,  and  also  of  certain  creatures  of  low  organisation  tha 
feed  on  plants.  During  wet  weather,  therefore,  at  this  time  o 
the  year,  vegetation  is,  generally,  at  once  brisk  and  sluggish 


UK  FRIEND  TOM  NODDY  HAS  A  DAY  WITH  THK  BROOKSIDE  HABEIKB&-WITH  HIS  USUAL  PRUDENCE  HE  GETS  A  HORSE 


TO   THT,"    HIT  T_<J  I 


PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  FOR   1857. 


RECREATIONS  IN  NATURAL 
HISTORY. 

THE  perils  of  the  Whale  Fishery  are 
among  the  most  exciting  of  all  narratives 
of  voyages.  That  the  whalo,  a  savage 
and  furious  animal,  when  provoked  will 
dash  hit)  head  agaiust  a  ship,  and  some- 
times sink  her,  is  on  frequent  record. 
The  whalers  are  now  well  armed,  in  order 
to  meet  this  danger,  and  firearms  are 
resorted  to  whenever  the  whale  attempts 
to  strike  the  vessel.  CAPTAIN  FRANCIS 
\V.  LUBBOOK,  an  American  captain,  states 
that  having  wounded  a  red  whale  with  the 
harpoon,  the  creature,  having  capsized 
all  the  boats,  prepared  to  charge  the  ship 
from  which  his  enemies  had  come.  A  brisk 
discharge  of  rifles,  however,  deterred  him, 
and  he  went  down.  An  hour  later  he 
reappeared,  with  another  whale  of  a  more 
gigantic  size,  and  around  whom  he  was 
playing,  evidently  inciting  him  to  attack 
the  ship.  A  carronade  was  run  out,  and  as 
the  Monster  approached,  a  well-aimed  can- 
non-ball crashed  into  his  skull,  amid  the 
cheers  of  the  brave  Americans,  and  laid  him 
a  floating  corpse.  But  their  cheers  were 
stopped  by  a  tremandous  flapping  noise. 
The  first  whale  had  dived,  gone  under  the 
ship,  and  while  all  were  occupied  on  thn 
starboard,  had  actually  boarded  the  vessel 
on  the  larboard  side,  and  was  trying  to 
suck  up  the  black  cook.  Pikes,  cutlasses, 
harpoons,  all  went  to  work,  and  the  whale 
was  beaten  off,  but  too  late  to  save  the  poor 
cook,  whom  sheer  fright  had  converted 
into  a  mass  ot  blubber,  of  which  we  need 
hardly  say  the  unhesitating  Yankees  made 
good  merchandise. 


MORAL  FOR  APRIL. 

Ix  April,  showers  fall,  short  and  thick, 
And  hard  and  heavy,  like  the  stick 

Which,  on  the  beat,  policemen  carry. 
"  Experience  is  salutary." 


CANCKB  is  found  in  the  stomach  of  the 
"peculiar  institutions"  of  the  Southern 
United  States.  It  is  hoped  that  the  dis- 
ease may  yield  to  tender  treatment,  other- 
wise dissolution  is  considered  to  be  inevi- 
table. 

CURIOUS  DLT  TRITE.— At  the  disastrous 
fire  at  Covent  Garden  Theatre,  the  manu- 
script Operas  were  destroyed  in  scores. 


THE  TALISMAN  OF  TEMPERANCE. 

I  WISH  I  had  a  ring  to  wear, 
Whose  magic  energy  was  such 

My  finger  that  'twould  pinch,  whene'er 
My  next  drop  would  be  one  too  much. 

Then  should  I  hit  the  happy  meau 
Aimed  at  by  every  man  of  sense, 

And  evermore  walk  straight  between 
The  states  of  Beer  and  Abstinence. 


£{.  Beisp.— ST.  BETSY  was  wedded  to  a 
knight  who  sailed  with  RALEIGH  and 
brought  home  tobacco ;  and  the  knight 
smoked.  But  he  thought  that  ST.  BETSY, 
like  other  fine  ladies  of  the  court,  would 
fain  that  he  should  smoke  out-of-doors ; 
nor  taint  with  'bacco-smoke  the  tapestry. 
Whereupon  the  knight  would  seek  his 
garden,  his  orchard,  and  in  any  weather 
smoke  sub  Jove.  Now  it  chanced  as  the 
knight  smoked,  ST.  BETSY  came  to  him 
and  said,  "My  lord,  pray  ye,  come  into  the 
house."  And  the  knight  went  with  ST. 
BETSY,  who  took  him  into  a  newly-cedared 
room,  and  said,  "  I  pray,  my  lord,  hence- 
forth smoke  here :  for  is  it  not  a  shame 
that  you  who  are  the  foundation  and  the 
prop  of  your  house  should  have  no  place  to 
put  your  head  into  and  smoke  ?  "  And  ST. 
BETSY  led  him  to  a  chair,  and  with  her 
own  fingers  filled  him  a  pipe,  and  from  that 
time  the  knight  sat  in  the  cedar-chamber 
and  smoked  his  weed. 


HI   ART  !„ 

Parent.  "  1  SHOULD  LIKE  YOU  TO  BE  VEEY  PAKTICULAK  ABOUT  HIS  HAIR." 

Photographic  Artist  (I).  "®H,  MUM,  THE  'AIB    IS    IIEASY    ESOHGlll     IT'S    THE     Hl'S  WHEBE  WE 

FIND  THE  DIFFICULTY  I  " 


A  WHIM  AMONO  WOMEN-.  —  Some  diffi- 
culty has  been  experienced  in  endeavour- 
ing to  account  for  the  fact  that  the  less 
rational  portion  of  ladies  who  are  not  very 
young,  generally  make  a  mystery  of  their 
age.  One  can  only  suppose  that  they  wish 
their  age  to  be  regarded  as  uncertain  by 
reason  of  a  dislike  to  be  considered  of  a 
certain  age. 

THE  BBEWERY  OF  THE  SKY.— A  country 
cousin  remarking  to  a  metropolitan  friend 
that  a  storm  was  brewing,  the  Cockney 
said  that  he  supposed  the  storm  would  be  a 
'ait-storm. 

COS  BY  THE  BCOY    AT  THE  KOBE.—  Q. 

What  is  the  best  thing  to  do  with  a  Collier 
that's  heavily  laden,  and  about  to  sink  ? — 
A.  Coal-scuttle  her  as  fast  as  you  can. 

HINT  TO  AUTHOBS. — It  is  one  thing  to 
live  by  your  works  :  another  thing  to  live 
in  them. 


u  ^'M  ill  ^  P  mi  nn 

PATKUWATWTI.TAS    WAS    TTTS    HAT.TnaV     AT    TWW 


PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  FOR  1857. 


BEWARE  1 


of  playing  Billiards 
with  a  mail  who  carried  liis  own 
chalk,  and  culls  the  marker  JACK, 

lie  ware  (if  you  have  <•»-. 
waltzing   with   young  ladies  who 
prefer  the  trois  temps,  and  are  uc- 
customed  to   perpetrate  the    ex- 
plinh'ii  Caledonians. 

lie  ware  at  genteel  dinner-tabled 
of  asking  for  cabbage  under  any 
other  name  than  K''1 

Beware,  unless  you  speak  French 
fluently,  of  entering  a  shop  in 
1'nris  where  you  see  the  notice 
11  InglU  Spokken." 

Beware  of  hailing  empty  tmni- 
bu  •*<'!»  if  tinin  it*  any  object  to  you. 

Heware  of  taking  Coimn 
sins  shopping,  unit's*  you  are  piv- 
pared    tu    turn    light-porter,    and 
c;irry  home  their  parcels  for  them. 

Beware  of  laughing  at  a  jokn 
made  by  a  proAMMQ  punster,  if 
you  have  any  wish  not  to  hear 
another. 

And,  finally,  Beware  of  bringing 
home  old  schoolfellows  on  clean- 
ing days,  unless  you  are  pn-pmv.l 
t"  pay  your  wife  "for  their  dinners 
at  HWA.N  AND  EDOAR'B. 

MORAL   FOB  MAY. 

DID  not  the  clouds  of  April  genial 

shower* 
Upon    thn    thirsty    fields    and 

meadows  empt, 
Sweet  May  would  never  be  adorned 

with  (towers  : 

"  Familiarity  doth  breed  con- 
tempt." 


ARE  your  words  of  more  weight 
when  y.ui  \ivojxnuul  anything  thau 
when  you  only  announce  it? 


«.   , 

Old  Aunt.— "WELL,  MY  LOVE— So  YOU'VE  GOT  A  IIAT  LIKE  MINE,  I  BEE." 


GEOGRAPHICAL  MISTAK 

How  can  Holland  be  com* 
termed  a  portion  of  the  1 
Countries,  when  every  wumar 
the  territory  U  a  Duchess  in 
own  right? 


St.  fftmis.— ST.  PHILLISWI 
virgin    of  noble    parentage: 
withal  as  simple    as   any   si 
herdc'ss  ot  curds-and-cream. 
married  a  wealthy  lord,  and 
much  pin-money.   Hut  when  ol 
ladies  wore  diamonds  and  pei 
ST.  PIIILLIS  only  wore  a  red 
white  rose  in  ber  hair.    Yet 
pin-iiion.-y    bought     the    bu*t 
jewellery  in  the  happy  eyes  of 
poor  about  ber.     ST.  PHII.UH 
rewarded.    She  lived"  until  f< 
scon-,  and  still  carried  the  red 
white  rose  in  her  face,   and 
their  fragrance  in  her  memory 

LEO  is  visited  by  the  Qctn» 
OrnK  at  the  Zoological  Gard< 
and  introduced  by  MK.  MITCH 
between  two  walls  of  mm 
covered  with  blacks. 

Aw  INSTANTANEOUS  MET 
FOB  PBODUOINO  VINEGAR. — Pr 
one  young  lady  to  another. 

EXAMPLE  FOB  TRADKSME? 
Pastry-cooks  seldom  adven 
because  ft  large  proportion  of  tl 
goods  are  puffs  in  themselves. 

CONSOLATION  FOB  RUSSIA,— 
a  popular  delusion  that  hot  cc 
tries  are  the  most   fruitful, 
the  contrary,  when  you  are 
veiling  towards  the  pole,  a  n 
glance  at  the  head-dresses  of 
people  will  convince  you  that 
are  more  and  more  getting 
fur- tile  countries. 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  EVENING  PARTIES. 
By  OUB  OWN  BEUUMELL. 

IF  you  are  at  all  an  absent-minded  man,  It  is  prudent  not 
to  venture  to  a  party  in  goloshes.  Possibly  you  might  forget 
to  take  them  off,  and  so  be  entering  the  room  upon  a  question- 
able footing. 

In  dressing  for  an  evening  party,  always  bear  in  mind  the 
maxim,  "  Ease  before  elegance."  Many  a  good  waltzer  has 
boen  forced  into  a  wallflower  through  the  tortures  of  having  a 
new  pair  of  boots  on.  If  you  have  strength  of  mind  you  will 
avoid  Hitch  a  fate,  even  at  the  cost  of  appearing  in  your  bluchers. 
Kecollect,  black  troupers  are  not  tndisptmsables.  The  authorities 
at  the  Opera,  who  are  the  last  to  admit  any  breaches  of  deco- 


rum, have  pronounced  an  equal  Open  Sesame  to  white.  There- 
fore by  all  means  go  in  ducks  if  yon  prefer  it ;  especially  to  a 
house  where  you've  never  been  asked  before,  and  (if  you  sport 
them)  will  most  probably  never  be  again. 

With  respect  to  the  much-vexed  question  of  propriety  in  the 
practice  of  bringing  your  hat  into  the  room  with  you,  we  think 
it  best  to  give  an  answer  of  negation  :  if  for  no  other  reason 
than  that  you  might  tempt  some  ultr&  fast  young  lady  to  put 
the  vulgar  query  to  you,  "  Who's  your  hatter?  "  If  however 
you  desire  to  create  a  sensation,  you  cannot  do  BO  easier  than 
—if  you  affect  a  white  hat  with  black  crape  round  it— by 
keeping  it  under  your  arm  throughout  the  entire  evening. 

When  you  desire  to  dance  with  a  young  lady,  it  is  necessary 
to  obtain  an  introduction  by  her  parents ;  or,  if  they  be  absent, 
by  her  nearest  relative.  The  forms  which  etiquette  has  sanc- 


tioned for  preferring  your  request  are  somewhat  too  numei 
for  us  to  print :  hut  in  our  opinion  there  Is  no  one  more  gen 
than  "What  d'ye  say  to  a  waltz,  Miss?"  or,  "Let  you 
me  just  go  In  for  a  galop  1"  We  hesitate  to  recommend 
phrase,  ''Maiden,  wilt  tread  a  measure  with  thy  TOMKI.V 
(or  whatever  else  your  name  may  be)  because  we  almost 
it  has  become  a  little  obsolete. 

Should  you  be  called  upon  to  propose  your  entertain 
health,  and  feel  at  all  diffident  about  your  eloquence,  you 
better  plainly  state  that  you  are  no  orator  as  BBUTUB  was, 
that  you  have  no  objection  to  sing  a  song,  if  that  will  d< 
well.  And  then  for  fear  of  your  proposal  being  negati 
you  had  better  strike  up  at  once  the  first  tiling  that  occui 
you — say  Bobbin*  Around  or  the  Ratcatcher's  Daughter^  el 
of  which  would  be  nicely  appropriate  to  the  occasion. 


WHILE   A  RESPECTABLE   ELDERLY   FEMALE   TAKES   CARE   OP  THE  HOUSE  IN   TOWN. 


PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  FOR   1857. 


PBOPRIETY  IN 
DRESS. 


SHORT  dresses  have 
wen  objected  to  by 
he  prudish  ;  but 
hough  the  clothed  of 
idies  are  now  more 
han  long  enough, 
bey  admit  of  the  very 
reatest  latitude.  — 

..  The  discovery  of 
he  latitude  has  snc- 
that  of  the 
mgitude. 


NATIONAL  HUMILI- 
,TION. — Monday,  the 
2nd  of  June,  U  the 
.nniversary  of  the 
Diposition  of  the  In- 
ome-Tax,  Persons 
11  the  receipt,  or  no 
mger  In  the  receipt, 
f  precarious  lucernes, 
•t 

WHY  is  a  youth 
ike  a  Church  robbed 
f  its  bibles  and 
rayer-books,  &c  ? — 
le  is  In  a  state  of 
«w-pillage. 

PHILOSOPHY  FOB 
in:  Triip. — He  who 
tv.j  wa^t-ru,  lays 
;nldi;n  »'^t:s.  The 
,nl  so;  and  you 

.now        tbe        COiiSti- 

uence. 

TAXlIfEUWV  FOB 

'AUKNTS.  —  If  you 
^ant  to  preserve  your 
liildren,  do  not  btull 
Item. 


A    CAVALIER. 

AfolpTiua.  "  Now,  GIRLS!— IF  YOU'RE  GAME  FOR  A  UIDK  ON  TIIR  SANDS 


— 1  'M  YOUR  MAN 


SINGULAR    DE- 
LUSION. 

A  popular  preacher 
received  so  many 
pairs  of  slippers  from 
the  female  part  of  his 
congregation,  that  he 
got  to  fancy  himself 
a  centipede. 

AND  CIVIL- 
ISATION.—A  file  of 
British  soldiers  is 
generally  found  to 
polish  a  barbarous 
enemy. 

Om.ICKD      TO      CUT 

ins  STICK.— When  a 
man  draws  upon  the 
bank  of  nature,  be 
first  sends  in  the 
^"ndrnen  with  their 
bills. 

DOMESTIC  MORAL. 
— Tbose  Mammas 
must  regard  their 
daughters  as  mere 
diit  who  are  desirous 
of  fi(!ttin<?  them  oft' 
their  bands. 

THE  CONSERVATIVE 
Cum.— The  emblem 
of  this  orderly  asso- 
ciation is  the  police- 
man's bludgeon. 

THE  HANDS.— It  is 
quite  an  error  to  sup- 
pose tbat  filbert  nails 
are  more  liable  to 
crack  than  others. 

A  GLUTTON'S  VIR- 
TUE.— Resignation  to 
his  fete. 


5t.  ^CffbC.— ST.  fu(ERK  \tiiA  married  early  to  a  wilful,  but 
•ithal  a  good-hewed  husband.  He  was  a  merchant,  and 
ould  come  home  sour  and  sullen  from  'Change.  \Yiitreupon 
fter  much  pondering,  ST.  I'IKKUK  in  her  patience  set  to  work' 
ud  praying  the  wl.iu-,  made,  of  dyed  lamb's-wool  a  door-mat. 
>ud  it  chanced  tram  that  time,  that  n«ver  did  the  luisbund 
>uch  tliat  mat,  tint  it  tlidn  't  clean  liis  temper  with  his  sliots, 
ad  h«  sat  down  by  his  PHCKBB  a^  uiild  as  the  lamb  whoso 
•oolhe  had  trod  upon.  Thus  yt;ntli!iiessmay  make  mimculous 
oor-muts  1 

IdN-ORAVCK  OF  THE  HIOIIHB  CLASSES.— How  few  of  all  those 
idles  of  rank  who  attend  Her  MajestyV  Drawiug  Itooms 
now  how  to  clean  their  own  white  ostrich  feathers ! 


MOKAL   FOU   JUNE. 
JI-XK  clothes  the  fields  and  forests  in  full  green, 

And  sometimes  wo  have  summer  come  at  length 
By  Midsummer.    Long  live  our  gracious  QUKKN! 

And  bear  in  mind  that  "  Unity  is  Strength." 

VIRGO  appears  without  crinoline  at  a  bachelor's  ball ;  and 
is,  in  due  season,  presented  with  a  life  testimonial  in  the 
person  of  AUGUSTUS  MELTON  Mow  BRAY.  Thus,  by  not  making 
loo  much  of  herself,  is  virtue  rewarded. 

FuKKMASdNity  AMONG  ANIMALS. — Cats  may  be  said  to  con- 
stitute a  lodge  when  a  certain  number  of  them  are  all  tiled. 

CIIEMISTUV  OF  THE  COMPLEXION. —.  The  product  of  pale 
•  brandy  is  oiten  a  red  noae. 


COAL  MEASURE.— (Lodging-house  Scale.) 

THREE  knobs       .        .        .  make     One  scuttle. 

Fifty-six  scuttles  „         One  week's  firing 

Four  weeks'    firing  (when   at") 

the  month's  end  one  comes  >-  One  leave. 

to  pay  for  it)     , 


THE    FRUITS   OF   MATRIMONY. 


A  MAGNIGICKNT  dessert,  and  a  beautiful  family  01  six  or 
eight  children,  winding  up  with  a  baby  in  long  clothes,  who 
are  brought  in  after  dinner  to  do  justice  to  it — these  are 
at  alt  events  some  of  the  Fruits  of  Matrimony. 


PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  FOR   1857. 


MORAL  FOR  JULY. 

THE  sunshine**  high  In  liot  July, 
And  farmers  make  their  hay : 

Virtue  is  true  nobility. 
"  Indulge  not  In  display." 


T.  SALLY,  from  her 
childhood,  was  known  for  her  In- 
nermoht  love  of  truth.  Itwasmiiil 
nf  h'-r  tluit  her  In-art  was  In  a 
rrysul  shrine,  and  all  the  world 
might  set;  it.  Now  once  when 
oilier  women  denied,  or  titrove  to 
Iiiih1  Uieir  a«e,  ST.  SALLY  said,  "/ 
••  nnd-thirty!  "  Whereupon, 
next  birthday,  ST.  SALLY' 
bund,  at  a  feast  of  all  their  f'rirml •:, 
JMIVO  tier  a  necklace  of  slx-and- 
thirty  opal  beads  :  and  on 
birthday  added  a  bond,  until  the 
\H-m\A  mounted  to  fourscore- and* 
one.  And  th<-  :  .1  to  act 

as  a  charm  ;  for  ST.  SALLY,  m*  ir- 
ing  the  sum  of  her  :i»«-  about  hi-r 
nrck,  nge  never  iippt-Hreif  in  Jn-r 
face.  Such,  in  the  olde.n  time,  was 
the  reward  of  simplicity  and  truth. 

LIBRA, summoned  from  the  Court 
of  Chancery  for  having  used  short 
weight,  pleads  that  the  wails  in 
Chancery  were  never  before  com- 
plained of. 

Ax  AI.DRBMAN  IN  A  Fix.— A 
civic  dignitary,  who  had  squeezed 
Inmselt  into  a  stall  at  the  Opera, 
complained  tliat  he  felt  like  a  great 
toe  in  a  thumb-stall. 

ADVICE  TO  ARTISTS.—  Draw 
anything  but  a  bill. 

I':.1  Mra  MADE  EASY.— If  the 
gi'iitlemi-u  will  bring  the  knivei 
:uul  i..iks,  the  ladies,  attired  in 
tlu:ir  fii.shionable  breadth  of  crino- 
line, will  supply  the  spread. 

COSTUME  voa  TUB  DOO-DAYS.— 

Muslin. 


THE  WORST  OF  HALF- 
\VOKD3. 

MAST  of  the  British  fungi,  b*- 
Hidfs  the  common  Mushroom,  are 
good  to  eat,  A  mycologtHt,  who 
haM  devoted  himself  toexperiments 
In  this  kind  of  diet  )>y  trying  it  on 
himself, and  has  been » «.nst  .|in-nily 
derided  by  most  of  bin  acquaint- 
ance, complains  that  people  In 
general  see  nothing  but  the  fun  of 
tungi,  and  consider  them  mere  food 
for  laughter. 


REMARKABLE  OCCURBENCE. 

THE  MOBNIXO  AFTER  THE  DlSI'EXSABY  BALL,  AS  Kxil.Y  DEUXTEMPS  AXD  CLABA  POLKIXOTOX  \VKBE 
RITTIXO  IX  THE  PLAXTATIO.V,  WHO  SHOULD  CO1CE  TO  THE  VEBY  SPOT  BUT  CAPTAIN  1  iSTUAX  ASU  YOUXO 
ItEOINALlI  FlPPS 


INDICATION  OF  A  LONO  LIKE.— 
"  You  may  be  sure  (munthh  «1  .tn 
old  woman  to  a  young  one)  that 
when  a  man  U  perpetually  saying 
to  bis  wife,  '  Ymt  will  wear  my 
life  out/  that  It  is  all  stuff,  my 
ilc.ir,  and  MntT,  too,  that  l&bts  a 
precious  time  longer  than  an;  that 
we  can  buy  for  a  petticoat,  or  a 
gown." 

THE  CHAUSBURB.  —  For  those 
who  walk  late  at  night  cork  soltm 
are  preferable  to  footpads. 

Cow  it  XT  ox  ARISTOTLE.  —  A 
bad  dog  is  like  an  illogical  infer- 
ence ;  because  he  don't  follow. 

NAVAL  KXPRNIMTUUR.  —  The 
mosteconomlcalveMsclHofha^beeu 
said  to  be  the  Screw  Steamer. 

ODIOUS  COMPARISON.  —  In  d'm- 
ciishiing  the  respective  merits  of 
poeta,  remember  that  you  cannot 
compare  LONOFKLLOW  with  LITTLE. 

CRITERION  or  A  COOK.  —  That 
servant  Is  sure  to  bo  A  good  cook 
who  brings  you  up  your  muttun 
chop  so  hot,  that  before  you  set  to 
at  It  you  are  obliged  to  let  it  COOL 

FACT  IK  ECCLESIASTICAL  }!IH- 
T<mv. — Tbe  monastic  saints  who 
died  in  the  odour  of  sanctity  were, 
most  of  them,  exceedingly  High 
Churchmen. 


ARCHITECTURAL.-  Several  Churches  bave  lately  been  built 
ni  corrugated  iron.  "Would  not  India-rubber,  by  reason  of  its 
elasticity,  be  a  mibstacco  more  suitable  to  the  purpose  of 
Church  Extension 


ADVICK  IIY  AN  UNDERTAKER.— Practise  tight  lacing.  Keep 
as  much  as  possible  in-doors.  What  exercise  you  must  take, 
always  take  late  at  night  and  keep  it  up  until  five  in  the 
DMrmtiff. 


Tu«  TEACHER  TADOHT.— A  school-boy,  having  been  de- 
sired by  his  preceptor  to  name  that  ancient  Roman  writer  who 
was  supposed  tn  be  thu  iiuttt  familiar  with  the  literature  of 


A    SUBURBAN    DELIGHT. 

Dark  Parly  (uith  a.tkkctrof-ltaot,  a/ course}.     Ax  YBR  PABDOK,  SisI-Bcr  »  TOO  WAS  A-OOIH  DOWN  Tina  DARK  LAXB,  P'RAPS  TOU'D  ALIX)W  Me  ASD  THIS 

00  AIX)»0  WITH   YF.R— 'COS  YEB  BSE  TUEBE  HAIXT  XO  FlBUCB  ABOUT— AXD  W« 'BE  SO  PB1C10UB  FEABED    o'   BUN1  GAKOTTED!" 


HIBI  YOUXO  MAX  TO 


PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  FOR  185V. 


TOXOPHOLITE  THOUGHTS. 
By  ANN  ARCHER. 

As  in  Society,  so  in  Archery,  there  are 
outer  and  inner  circles.  If  you  cannot  get 
in  the  (me,  be  content  to  be  placed  in  tbe 
other. 

Bettor  that  a  young  lady  should  be  barred 
a  ring  in  Archery  than  in  Life. 

In  shoot  in -4  the  shafts  of  satire,  be  very 
careful  in  the  selection  of  your  Butt. 

The  greatest  number  of  "  Petticoats"  is 
rewarded  with  a  wooden  spoon ;  and  the 
young  lady  who  depends  for  her  attractions 
upon  an  accumulation  of  crinoline,  can 
only  expect  to  be  admired  by  a  wooden- 
headed  spooney. 

St.  Btcfep. — A  very  good  man'was  ST. 
ItF.<  KY'S  husband,  but  with  his  heart  a 
little  t«M>  much  in  his  bottle.  Port  wine 
— red  port  wine— was  his  delight,  and  his 
constant  cry  was  bee's-wing.  Now  as  lie 
sat  tipsy  in  his  arbour,  a  wasp  dropt  into 
his  glass,  and  the  wasp  was  swallowed, 
stinging  the  man  inwardly.  Doctors 
crowded,  and  with  much  ado  the  man  was 
saved.  Now  ST.  BKCKY  nursed  her  bus- 
luuul  tenderly  to  health,  and,  upbraided 
him  not.  But  she  said  these  words,  and 
they  reformed  him :  "  My  dear,  take  wine, 
and  llfss  your  heart  with  it:  but  wine  in 
moderation.  Eltt.  never  forget  that  the  bet's- 
tcirtg  of  to-day  Incomes  the  wasp*  a-sting  of 
to-morrow. 

ETIQUETTE  FOR  EVENING 
PARTIES. 

IT  is  a  point  not  yet  decided  whether,  in 
conversing  with  a  girl  you  have  not  met 
before,  it  be  etiquette  occasionally  to  use 
the  word  "  Miss."  We  think  ourselves  it 
sounds  respectful  to  do  so,  but  we  cannot 
state  with  certainty  whether  the  practice 
has  obtained  at  ALMACK'S. 

On  going  to  a  house  where  you  have  not 
previously  visited,  and  where  your  person 
might  perhaps  not  be  immediately  recog- 
nised, it  is  usual  before  making  your 
entree  to  the  drawing-room  to  hand  the 
footman  your  card  and  note  of  invitation, 
which  as  proofs  of  your  identity  he  will 
carry  to  bis  mistress,  and  you  may  then 
be  assured  of  being  smilingly  received. 


A   DEFINITION  OP   CANT.— Spirits  of 

Whine. 


MB.  BRIGQS   HAS  A  DAY'S   SALMOIT  FISHING. 

MR.  B.  AS   HK  APPEARED  FROM    SlX   IN   TUB    MORNING   UNTIL  THREE  IN  THE  AFTERNOON,  WHEN— 


RECREATIONS  IN  NATURAL 
HISTORY. 

THE  following  anecdoto  is  given  upon 
the  authority  of  SIR  HUT-CHINOS  PLUHLKY, 
of  Ashborough,  tbe  celebrated  hebetologist. 
He  states  that  a  shepherd  on  bis  estate  had 
been  for  a  long  time  in  the  babit  of  taking 
his  place,  while  watching  bis  charge,  at 
the  foot  of  a  large  t»ld  oak  tree,  in  the  hollow 
of  which  was  an  owl.  Between  the  man 
and  the  bird  a  sort  of  friendship  bad  struck 
up,  owing  to  his  having  chastised  a  boy 
who  attempted  to  take  the  poor  owl's  eggs 
on  a  Sunday.  The  shepherd  used  to  solace 
bis  leisure  with  a  pipe,  and  the  owl,  which 
at  first  winked  and  hissed  furiously  at  the 
unwonted  odour,  grew  rather  to  like  the  to- 
bacco than  not.  Upon  one  occasion  the  man 
lay  at  the  foot  of  the  tree  for  a  longer  time 
than  usual  without  smoking,  and  his 
feathered  friend  began  to  hoot  angrily. 
"  You  may  hoot,"  said  the  peasant,  "  and 
so  may  I,  for  I  'm  hooto'  baccy."  He  took 
out  a  tract  (a  pleasing  incident  in  the 
story),  and  began  to  read,  when  plump  fell 
first  one,  and  then  another,  and  then 
another  little  white  parcel  upon  his  paper. 
Looking  up,  he  saw  the  owl,  winking  with 
both  eyes,  dropping  another  to  him.  The 
parcels  contained  an  ounce  each  of  the  best 
Bird's-eye  tobacco,  which  the  good  owt, 
attracted  by  its  name,  had  stolen  for  him 
from  the  village  shop,  in  bcr  nocturnal 
rounds.  

CAB  MEASURE. 

THREE  furlongs        .  make  One  mile. 

f  One  halt-crown 
Two  miles      .        .    .    ,,j     fara< 

One  half-crown  fare") 
(when  charged  in  j-    „    One  swear, 
this  way)    .    .    .J 


MORAL  FOR  AUGUST. 

The  month  of   August   is  with  harvest 

crowned, 
And  now  the  husbandmen  their  goblets 

prime ; 
In  foaming  jugs  of  ale  their  cares    are 

drowned : 
"  Procrastination  is  the  thief  of  Time." 


THE  HARVEST  OK  CRIME.— The  Convict 
reaps  the  reward  of  his  iniquity  in  the 
County  Crop, 


HAvrao  HOOKKD  A  "FISH,"  HK  IB  LANDED  TO  PLA?  IT.-THE  FMH^OW^YWITB  HIM-AND  MB^B 


is  DHAGOKD  ABOUT  A  MILE  AND  A  HALF  OVEE  WHAT  HE  CONSIDERS 


PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  FOR  1857. 


RECREATIONS  IN 
NATURAL  HISTORY. 

Tim  liees  In  the  Isle  of  France 
(Mauritius)  have  long  been  cele- 
brated  for  their  size  and  beauty, 
and  their  hum  is  so  melodious, 
that  the  young  girls  of  the  island 
frequently  keep  a  single  bee  in  a 
Han/.''  aiKe  for  the  sake  of  his 
melody,  lu  confinement  they  will 
lunrii  "tuni.'s  from  a  musical  box, 
and  M.  UF.LAMOTTE  mentions  tkree 
bees  that  could  go  through  the 
Bridesmaid*'  Chorus  from  Der 
FreisMltz  with  much  exactness. 
But  this  may  be  an  exaggeration. 
There,  is,  however,  no  reason  to 
doubt  the  following  statement. 
namely,  that  a  hive  of  bees,  before 
wlnrh  its  mistress,  a  lady  of  great 
beauty,  had  frequently  expressed 
her  hone  that  she  should  have  a 
plentilul  supply  of  honey  that  year, 
instinctively  conceived  the  idea 
of  working  double  tides,  by  lamp- 
light. The  Isle  of  France  abounds 
with  the  most  brilliant  glow- 
worms, Hiid  the  bees  sallied  forth 
one  night,  captured  hundreds  of 
these  animated  diamonds,  and 
stuck  them  all  about  the  hive,  to 
serve  as  lamps.  Obtaining  mate- 
rials from  the  numerous  night- 
blosBorniug  products  of  the  Mau- 
ritius Flora,  the  bees  came  home, 
guided  by  this  fairy  illumination, 

and  MADAME  DE  L '»  honey, 

that  year,  was  extraordinary  both 
iu  quality  and  quantity. 


COH7EB8ATIOKAI,  DELICACY.— 
Never  mention  Michaelmas  Day 
to  a  goose. 

POETBY  op  NATCBE.  —  When 
mist  falls  upon  thu  earth,  and 
freezes,  it  forms  rime. 


Os  AEEivisa  AT  "  HELL'S  HOLE,"  HE  is  DETAISED  FOE  THBEK-QL-ABTKES  OF  AX  HOCB  WHILE 

THE   FISH  SULK8  AT  THE  BOTTOM.— 


MORAL  FOR  SEPTEMBER. 

September  hears  the  frequent  shot 
Kesound  on  hill  and  dale, 

And  sees  the  partrldgefall— or  not. 
"  This  world  is  but  a  Vale." 

St.  Hip—  ST.  LILY  was  the  wife 
of  a  poor  man,  who  tried  to  sup- 
port his  family,  and  the  chililivn 
were  many,  by  writing  books.  Hut 
in  those  days  it  was  not  HS  e'tsy 
for  a  man  to  find  a  publisher  as  to 
say  his  Paternoster.  Many  were 
the  books  that  were  written  by 
the  husband  of  ST.  LILY,  but  to 
every  book  ST.  LILY  gave  at  least 
two  babes.  However,  blithe  as  the 
cricket  was  the  spirit  that  ruled 
about  the  hearth  of  BT.  LILY. 
And  how  she  helped  her  help- 
mate! She  smiled  sunbeams  into 
his  ink-bottle,  and  turned  his 
goose-pen  to  the  quill  of  a  dove ! 
She  made  the  paper  he  wrote  on 
as  white  as  her  name,  and  as 
fragrant  as  her  soul.  And  when 
folks  wondered  how  ST.  LILT  man- 
aged so  lightly  with  fortune's 
troubles,  she  always  answered  that 
she  never  heeded  them,  for—  Tlmt 
ttoultlei  wre  like  habits,  and  only 
grew  the  liijger  In  nursing. 


LEGAL  EDUCATION. — To  eat  i 
certain  number  of  terms  is  sutli- 
clent  qualification  for  a  barrister. 
To  pass  any  examination,  what 
do  you  want  but  cramming  ? 

THE    EVEB-MEMOBARLK    SuRBEK 

GABDENS  CBIMEAM  FAST. — Whj 
did  they  do  things  by  halves  a: 
the  Surrey  Gardens  Crimean  din 
ner  ? — 'cause  it  was  a  peace-meal. 
A  ROUND  ROBIH.— The  robln-rei 
breast  tings  all  the  year  round. 


THINGS  WHICH  NO  YOUNG  LADY  EVER  DOES  IF 
SHE  CAN  HELP  IT. 

BE  the  first  down  in  the  morning,  and  not  the  list  up  at 
night. 

Keep  an  account-book  in  the  place  of  an  album. 

Consent  to  sit  down  to  the  piano  on  anything  under  tha 
dozenth  timo  of  asking. 


Pay  a  morning  call  in  her  last  year's  bonnet. 

Do  plain  needle  work  instead  of  fancy  collar  stitching. 

Return  from  morning  service  without  bringing  home  an 
inventory  (exact  to  a  ribbon)  of  all  the  new  toilettes  which 
have  been  displayed  there. 

Practise  "  CBAMEB'S  Exercises"  in  the  lieu  ot  polkas. 

Wear  shoes  of  any  other  than  most  wafer-like  construction, 
especially  when  the  snow  is  on  the  ground. 


Condescend  to  learn  an  English  song  Instead  of  an  Itallai 

Mend  her  own  "  things,"  and  her  younger  brother's  I 
Travel  twenty  miles  without  nineteen  packages,  aeventeci 

of  which  she  might  easily  dispense  with. 
Be  seen  to  eat  more  at  dinner  than  a  couple  of  canaries  could 
And,  finally,  take  less  than  forty  minutes  to  "  run  and  pu 

her  bonnet  on ! " 


TUB  Fisu  IIAVIXO  REFBESHED  HIMSELF,  AND  BF.COVEBED  HIS  SPIRITS,  BOLTS  AGAIN-  WITH  MB.  B.— 


PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  FOR    1857. 


AFTBB  A  LONO  AND  EXOITIXQ  STBOOGLK  MB.  D.  ig  os  TUB  POINT  OP  LAXOIHO  ma 

PRIZE,  W11ES— THE  LlSK  UNFOBTUNATELY  BREAKS  !— 


HOWEVEB,  IN  MUCH   LESS  TIME  THAN  IT  HAS  TAKEN  TO  MAKE  THIS   IMPERFECT   SKFTrn 
-ACCOUTBED  AS  HE  IS-IlB    PI.UX.1KS   IX-AND  AFTER  A   DESPEBATE   ExxouVTER 

ITmwl1  M£ON""C,ENTA  SALMON,  FOB  WHICH  HE  DECLABHS   u, *WOUL" "NOT TAKE 
A  GUINEA  A  POUND! -AND  IT  is  NOW  STDFPKD  IN  THE  GLASS-CASE  OVEB  TUB  ONE 

WHICH   COXTAINS   HIS  I.ATE  FAVOURITE  SPOTTED  HlINTEB. 


CAPBICOBSUS,  harnessed  to  a  child's  chaise  at  Brighton, 
deplores  his  own  kids,  and  bleats  despondingly  the  pathetic 
air  of  A'am/y,  wilt  tftou  gang  with  mef 


liable  to  be  punished  for  practisingas"an"una>!thorised"s'olicHor? 


5t.  JFantip. — ST.  FAXN-Y  was  a  notable 
housewife.  Her  house  was  a  temple  of 
neatness.  Kin-i  might  have  dined  upon 
htr  staircase  1  Now  her  great  delight  was 
to  provide  all  things  comfortable  for  her 
husband,  a  hard-working  merchant  much 
abroad,  but  loving  his  home.  Now  one 
night  he  returned,  tired  and  hungry,  and 
by  some  mischance  there  was  nothing  for 
supper.  Shops  were  shut,  and  great  was 
the  grief  of  ST.  FANNY.  Taking  off  a 
bracelet  of  seed  pearl,  she  said—  I'd  giue 
\hi»  ten  times  over  far  a  supper  for  mi/ 
\usband.  And  every  pearl  straightway 
beca  me  an  oyster;  and  ST.  FANXV 
>pened,  and  the  husband  ate,  and  lo!  in 
ivery  oyster  was  a  pearl  as  big  as  a  hazel- 
mt,  aud  so  was  ST.  FANNY  made  rich  for 
ife> 

MORAL   FOB  OCTOBER. 

DCTOBER  clothes  the  woods  in  brown, 
And  now  the  sportsmen  are  alarming 

Che  pheasant— sometimes  bring  him  down 
Note,  that1 "  Variety  is  charming" 


A  FITTING  INVITATION. 

IT  wasn't  such  a  had  notion  on  the  part  of  the  Gamier,  who 
hung  up  in  his  glove-shop  the  following  placard :  — 

"  10,000  HANDS  WANTED  IMMEDIATELY  !  " 

And  under  it  was  written  in  very  small  characters, 
(To  luy  my  Gloves — tjic,  very  lest  quality}. 


HOW  TO  MAKE  UP  YOUR  MIND. 
THE  following   prescription   is  recom- 
lended  by  every  person  of  faculty:— 
Of  Common  Sense    take    6  or  6  grains. 
Of  Conscience  „       1  or  2  scruples. 

lix  well  together,  and  take  it  on  the  spot. 
rou  must  lose  no  time  in  making  up  your 
lind,  or  else  the  volatile  essence  of  the 
bove  ingredients  will  evaporate,  and  the 
fleet  of  the  prescription  be  materially 
eakeued.  —  N.B.  If  your  mind  is  ex- 
•erncly  weak,  you  had  better  take  a  grain 
r  two  more  of  Common  Sense.  It  will  do 
ou  no  harm,  only  be  careful  you  don't 
itch  cold  after  it. 


"SHE 'SHALL  HAVE  MUSIC 

WHEREVER  SHE  GOES." 
IN  counties  where  the  lanes  are  narrow 
Is  found  necessary  to  supply  the  mggon- 
ams  with  collars,  to  which  are  attached 
:lls.by  whose  ringing,  persons  are  warned 

the  on-coming  impediment  to  their  pro- 
•ess.  We  fervently  hope,  that  the  next 
ove  of  fashion  will  be  to  hang  our  belles 
i<h  bells  of  a  similar  description,  so  that 
Jdestrians  may  be  spared  their  present 
tnger  of  being  run  down  by  a  lady  hooped 

the  size  of  the  Heidelberg  tun. 


PEBIL  OF  SYMPATHY.— The  hunting-field  is  occasionally 
graced  with  the  attendance  of  an  equestrian  lady.  Similarity 
of  taste  is  a  great  enticement;  but  let  the  single  and  sus- 
ceptible sportsman  look  to  his  heart.  An  excellent  horse- 
woman might  make  a  nagging  wife. 

ASTROLOGY  FOB  ASTBOLOOEBS.— About  the  time  of  the  full 
moon,  get  your  heads  shaved. 


THE    MOUSTACHE   MOVEMENT. 


RECREATIONS  IN  NATURAL 
HISTORY. 

A  MOST  interesting  narrative  was  read 
at  the  last  meeting  of  the  Aborigines  Pro- 
tection Society.    It  was  the  account  of  the 
expedition    of    a    missionary,    from    an 
American  dissenting  college,  to  a  tribe  oj 
natives  of  whose   existence  its  directors 
had  but  lately  become  aware,  and  who  »re 
settled  in  the  south-east  of  Brazil.     The 
worthy      missionary,      BROTHEB      EBKY 
SWUNKB,  who  is  somewhat  short-sighted 
and  who  had  seen  little  of  the  world  be- 
yond the  walls  of  his  college,  made    his 
way  from  the  nearest  town,  in  the  direc- 
tion   of   the    settlement.     After   a    long 
journey  he  arrived  there  towards  evening 
and  found  himself  among  the  objects  of 
his  teaching.    He  describes  them  as  tall 
and  active,  clothed  in  close-fitting  skina 
of  hairy  animals,   and  as  speaking  with 
great  rapidity  a  language  unknown  to  him 
but  resembling  French,  as  in  some  degree 
did  the  gestures  and  manners  of  the  natives 
themselves.    He  therefore  addressed  them 
in  French,  and  apparently  was  understood 
as  they  evinced  much  delight,  aud  danced 
about  the  worthy  man  with  gestures  ol     ! 
admiration.    But  when  BROTHER  SWI-NKS 
began  to  distribute  tracts,  they  snatched 
them  from  him,  and  darting  up  to  the  very     ' 
top  of  the  lofty  trees  around,  tore  the  paper 
into  bits,  and  then  descended  to  obtain 
m«re.     On  his  making  signs  that  he  wan 
thirsty,  they  all  rushed  up  the  trees  again, 
and    overwhelmed  him  with  showers  of 
cocoa-nuts.     During  the  whole  night  they 
would  not  allow  him  to  sleep  from  their 
incessant  care  of  his  welfare,  one  native, 
succeeding  the  other  in  turning  him  round 
patting  his  eyes,  and  stroking  his  hair. 
When  BROTHER    SWUNKS    attempted    to 
caress  the  children,  they  bit  him  a  good 
deal,  and  the  females  snatched  them  from 
him,  and  carried  them  up  the  trees.    In 
the  morning  BROTHER  SWUNKS  accident- 
ally   placed    .iis    walking-stick    to    his 
shoulder,  gun-fashion,    upon    which    the 
whole  tribe  look  fright,  and  departed,  and 
after  two  days  the  worthy  brother  returned, 
not  ungratitied  with  what  he  had  done,  yet 
wishing  he  had  been  permitted  to  do  more 
among  tLese  poor  heathens. 


ADVICE  TO  DEANS— Let  the  nave  ol 
your  Cathedral  never  be  a  disgrace  to  the 
Church. 


PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  FOR   1857. 


ETIQUETTK  FOR  EVENING 
PABTIE8. 

RECOLLECT,  punctuality  la  the  soul  of 
evening  parting.  He  careful  thprcfnru 
always  to  arrive  to  a  moinrnt  at  the  time 
you  are  invited  for.  If  the  hour  be  not 
specified,  as  Is  occasionally  the  case,  It  Is 
considered  good  breeding  to  call  the  day 
before  and  make  inquiry  of  the  servant. 

Your  conduct  In  the  supper-room  mint 
depend  on  circumstances.  If  It  be  a  hair- 
stand-up  affair,  ladles'  business  first  and 
gentlemen's  pleasure  afterwards,  ynu  will 
be  expected  during  the  first  part  to  do  duty 
of  course  as  an  amateur  waiter;  when, 
mil.™  you  practise  well  beforehand,  you 
will  no  doubt  contrive  to  cover  yournelf 
with  jelly  and  confusion.  Hut  If  the  repast 
be  a  Hit-down-all-together  one,  you  may  eat 
•nil  drink  in  comfor^  if  you  only  take  care 
not  to  have  a  lady  next  you  :  oth-rwlse  of 
course  you'll  have  to  minister  to  her  wants 
instead  of  satisfying  your  own. 

In  taking  your  departure,  i'nn'1  forget  to 
make  an  offer  of  your  thanks  for  the 
pleasant  evening  you  have  spent ;  and  if 
you  then  proceed  to  shake  hands  all  round 
with  such  of  the  guests  as  may  remain, 
you  will  do  much  to  confirm  the  favour- 
able Impression  which  your  previous  be- 
haviour will  doubtless  have  produced.  In 
fact  if  yon  act  strictly  in  accordance  with 
the  advice  that  we  have  given,  you  will 
soon  be  esteemed  quite  an  acquisition  to 
society  ;  and  In  short,  to  use  the  language  of 
the  advertisers,  no  evening  party  will  be 
thought  complete  without  you. 


MORAL  FOR  OOOD  Yorao  ME*.— He  that 
gors  to  a  tea-meeting,  will  probably  driuk 
tea  with  more  spoons  than  one. 

ADVICE  TO  JOHN  BUM,.—  Whenever  the 
*  ranch  excite  your  bile,  remember  that 
they  are  your  mercurial  neighbours. 

ALLOWABLE  SWEAHINO.— The  best  thing 
that  a  Miner  can  take  when  he  goes  down 
into  a  pit,  Is  to  take  his  Davy. 

I'BOVKRB  BY  AS  ENTOMOLOGIST.— Honey 

for  the  bee ;  whacks  for  the  wasp. 

HOMOEOPATHY    FOR    TllF.    HEALTHY.—  It 

you  have  nothing  the  matter  with  you, 
tike  inimitesiimilly  less  than  nothing. 

I'or.TBT  is  TIIK  CITY.— On  Lord  Mayor's 
day  a  Common  Councilman  composes  an 
Ode  on  the  Return  of  the  Swallow. 


MORAL  FOR  NOVEMBER. 

NOVEMBER  comes  blindfold  with  mist  in 

with  fog, 

And  the  year  Is  approaching  Its  term. 
Thus  along,  on  Life's  journey,  we  all  of  u. 


„/;;*• 


Whilst  "  the  early  bird  picks  up  th. 

worm." 


DELICIOUS  I 

Party  m  Bed.  "HEY!  HOLLO!    WHO'S  THAT?" 

Domestic.  "  If  YOU  PLEASE,  8m,  IT'S  SEVEN  O'CLOCK,  Sm!   Youa  SHOWER  BATH  is  QUITE 

IEADY.     I'VE  J03T   BROKEN  THE   ICE,  SlEl" 


31.  .Irnnr,.— ST.  JESSY  was  wedded  to  i 
v. TV  i«Kir  man  •,  they  had  scarcely  bread  t 
keep  them ;  but  JENNY  was  of  so  sweet  i 
temper  that  even  want  hore  a  bright  fac* 
and  JESSY  always  stnili-d.  In  the  wors 
v  would  spare  crumbs  for  th 
birds,  and  sugar  for  the  bees.  Now  U  s 
happened  that  one  a'ltnmn  storm  rent  the) 
cot  In  twenty  places  apart;  when  beholi 
between  the  joists  from  the  basement  to  th 
roof  there  was  nothing  bnt  honey-comb  am 
bone*.  A  little  fortune  for  ST.  JKVSY  am 
her  husband  in  honey.  Now  some  said  I 
was  the  bees,  but  more  declared  it  was  th 
sweet  temper  of  ST.  JENNY  that  had  fillei 
the  poor  man's  house  with  honey. 

AQUAETOS  gets  Into  the  bead  ot  a  dts 
tinguished  teetotaler ;  who  Is  taken  np  fo 
an  Insane  attempt  to  garotte  the  pari.sl 
pump.  The  teetotaler  is  baled  out. 

HAPPINESS  is  THE  SICK-KOOK.  —  Ob 
jection  has  been  made  in  the  statement  tha 
such  an  one  enjoys  bad  health.  The  faul 
lies,  not  in  the  phrase,  but  in  Its  applica 
tion.  There  is  a  class  of  men  who  liv.-  it 
the  constant  enjojment  of  bad  health 
they  are  not,  however,  the  patients  but  thi 
doctors. 

COMPORT  FOR  THE  CORPULENT.— No  mar 
can  think  small  beer  ot  himself  when  he 
is  well  aware  that  he  is  stout. 

AGRICULTURAL  EDUCATION.  —  Perhaps 
landlords  and  farmers  are  not  snmclentlj 
alive  to  the  importance  of  cultivating  tin 
clod. 

APOLOGY  FOR  THE  FIFTH  OF  NOVKMHRR 
—The  boys  who  carry  GUY  FAWKES  abonl 
are  not  Idle.  They  perambulate  the  street! 
with  an  object. 

PAPAL  ORTHODOXY.  — When  the  Pope 
distributes  confectionary  his  Holiness  pro 
ceeds  most  strictly  in  accordance  with  tht 
canons  of  the  Council  of  Nice. 

SECURITY  FOE  CUSTOMERS.— Give  trades 
men  a  Classical  education,  and  perhapt 
they  will  learn  not  to  make  false  quantities 


3  VERY  FOQOY  IN  LONDON,  IT  IS  DELIGHTFUL  AT  I^iauTON-AT  LEAST  SO  CHARLES  AND  GEORQINA  THINK. 


PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  FOR  1857. 


= 5 
«ff»| 


tl 


Klflli 


PUNCH'S   ESSENCE    OF  PARLIAMENT. 


-.,  June  llnd.  Monday  was  a  splendidly  fine  and  particularly 
hot  day,  a  remark  which  equally  applies  to  all  the  other  days  of  the 
week.    Meteorological  influences  had  their  effect  upon  the  senators  as 
upon  everybody  else,  and  the  debates  were  exceedingly  languid  and 
|We  ;   but  when  the  speakers  did  boil  up  into  passions,  thev  went  at 
:   like  men.    The  Ministers'  Money  Bill  has  finally  passed  the  Lords, 
H'  J'.AKI,  OF  DERBY  not  choosing  to  run  another  risk  of  being  sent  for 
'  the  OTJEEN,  asked  to  make  a  Government,  and  having  to  confess 
that  he  had  nobody  to  make  it  with.    However,  the  Conservatives 
now  expect  to  do  better  things,  for  they  have  bought  the  Morning 
Herald,  appointed  MR.  HAMILTON,  member  for  Dublin  University  its 
dltor,  put  the  "Sword  of  Gideon"  out  of  the  way,  and  altogether 
given  promise  of  energy,  and  of  as  much  rationality  as  can  be  looked 
"•  m  a  party  that  contains  MR.  SPOONER. 

it  was  not  to  be  supposed  that  the  Grievance  to  which  Mr.  Punch 

.ed  last  week  would  not  be  remedied.    The  idea  of  a  Jew  being 

.idimssible  to  high  office  while  a  Catholic  is  excluded,  was  found 

nto Crahle  that,  as  the  Jews'  claims  had  been  conceded,  it  was 

"*rc,  ,1  fo  throw  open  the  offices  in  question  to  their  Catholic  brethren? 

ctly;   but  still  the  parties  were  reduced  to  a  level,  by  the 

oduet.on  into  the  Oaths  Bill  of  provisions  taking  away  what  had 

been  accorded  to  the  Jew.    One  boy  has  sixpence,  another  nothing 

and  a  benevolent  man  desires  to  put  them  on  tfie  same  footing-so  he 

away  the  first  boy's  sixpence.    Even  NEWDEGATE  could  see  that 

;was  absurd,  and  he.  remarked  {upon  the  wisdom  of  the  Liberal 

administer  it™        P°rmit  *  JeW  l°  makc  a  law'  and  f°rbid  him  to 
H  was  satisfactorily  explained  by  SIR  B.  HALL,  that  the  stone  of  SIR 
-I  >A  H  u  v  s  new  1  louses  of  Parliament  is  breaking  to  pieces,  and 
that  the  galvanised  root  is  rusting  away.    It  will  therefore  be  necessary 
o  have  new  houses  and  a  new  roof.    The  Commons,  therefore,  voted 
.'- In-',. .1)1,  for  SIR  CHARLES  to  do  what  he  liked  with     SIR  B  HILL 
a  soexp  amecMlmt  the  usual  fatality  of  blunder  had  attended  the  clock 
i    to     whinh51"68"'  aml  (l';lt  ,'  1,''lol;m«  had,  l*™imt  up  before  the 
srssin',,  WaS     a  mistake.    but  "e  hoped  to  hear  the  chimes  next 

The  Lords  passed  the  Divorce  Bill,  by  46  to  25;  the 
'•"y'J,  u  is  believed,  having  been  considerably  increased  by  a  e; ml  in" 
professional  protest  with  which  Saponaceous  SAMUEL  of  Oxford  broke" 


out  just  before  division,  to  the  great  discontent  9f  their  lordships.  It 
may  be  mentioned  that  the  imprisonment  provision  was  removed  from 
the  Bill.  REDESDALE,  MALMESBURY,  and  NELSON  (a  nice  trio),  did  their 
best  to  cripple  the  measure,  and  the  former  has  brought  in  an  opposi- 
tion Divorce  Bill  of  his  own.  LORD  BROUGHAM  says,  that  when  the 
measure  passes  there  will  be  no  such  great  rush  for  divorces ;  but 
some  of  the  peers  and  bishops  evidently  think  that  all  the  BROWNS, 
JONESES,  and  RoBursoxs  in  the  kingdom  are  respectively  dying  to  be 
rid  of  their  lawful  ribs,  and  that  in  about  a  year  you  will  hardly  meet 
such  a  thing  as  a  man  with  a  wife. 

WISCOUNT  WILLIAMS  and  a  majority  in  the  Commons  decided  to 
adjourn  the  Bill  for  providing  a  park  for  the  Finsbury  people,  for 
whose  benefit  Government  had  promised  to  ask  the  House  for  £50  000. 
The  WISCOUNT  thinks  that  if  the  Fmsbury  folk  want  fresh  air,  they 
had  better  order  round  their  carriages  and  drive  over  to  Battersea : 
but  we  fear  this  haughty  aristocrat  does  not  understand  the  wants  of 
the  humbler  classes.  LORD  RA.YNHAM,  as  has  before  been  noted,  is 
turning  at  a  honourabtc  distinction  by  helping  the  oppressed,  and  he 
has  tins  week  forced  upon  the  attention  of  the  HOME  SECRETARY 
some  cases  of  brutal  assaults  on  women,  has  introduced  a  Bill  against 
cruelty  to  animals,  and  has  brought  up  the  barbarities  of  certain  work- 
houses, a  select  committee  on  which  he  lost  by  21  only.  / 
,  ^  f"dia  debate  followed,  but  it  is  no  subject  for  light  treatment, 
tor  while  Members  were  droning  about  cotton,  and  MANGLES  was 
puffing  the  Company  as  having  done  miracles  for  India,  news  was 
flurrying  over  the  sea  that  native  regiments  were  in  mutiny,  had 
seized  Delhi/and  murdered  all  the  Europeans  there,  without  distinction 
of  age  or  sex.  It  is  a  good  time  to  be  erecting  a  Shropshire  memorial 
to  CUVE,  if  only  to  remind  England  that  she  once  had  a  man  who 
knew  not  only  how  to  gain,  but  how  to  keep  Oriental  conquests. 

Wednesday.  A  long  Irish  squabble  on  a  law  bill. 

Thursday.  LORD  CAMPBELL'S  bill  against  immoral  publications  was 
read  a  second  time,  after  a  diverting  speech  against  it  from  LORD 
LYNDUURST,  who  contended  that  the  police  ought  not  to  be  empowered 
,o  deal  with  the  beasts  of  Holywell  Street,  because  CORREGIO  and 
other  great  painters  have  demoralised  Art  in  certain  cases,  and  because 
HYCHEHLY,  COXGREVE,  DRYDEN",  and  all  French  novelists,  have 
occasionally  written  impurely.  Nevertheless,  as  a  lively  old  gentle- 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  4,  1857. 


man's  resume  of  improprieties,  the  speech  was  indulgently  listened  to 
by  the  Lords. 

The  Commons  passed  the  Oaths  Bill,  after  LORD  BLANDFOKD  had 
delivered  a  dull,  mid  MR.  DRUMMOND  a  diverting  speech  against  it, 
and  MR.  O'DONOGUUE  (if  this  Irish  party  thinks  The  Punch  is  going 
to  recognise  O'D.'s  ridiculous  assumption  of  the  deGnite  article,  as  if 
there  were  only  one  O'D.  in  the  world,  whereas  there  are  a  dozen  in 
any  court  in  St.  Giles's,  MR.  O'DoNOGiiUK  makes  another  blunder)  had 
objected  to  it  because  it  was  a  Ministerial  job,  intended  as  a  mere  sop 
to  certain  Liberals,  and  because  it  did  not  relieve  the  Papists.  A 
great  many  of  the  latter  voted  against  the  Bill,  and  the  final  majority 
was  but  291  to  168. 

An  Education  Debate,  and  a  still  more  sensible  thing,  an  Educational 
Vote  of  £361,233,  did  some  credit  to  the  sitting.  BERNAL  OSBORNE 
took  an  opportunity  of  saying  ail  agreeable  thing  to  COLONEL  FRENCH, 
who  had  observed  upon  the  attendance  of  the  79th  at  the  Victoria 
Cross  distribution.  MR.  OSBORXE  said  that  they  would  be  present 
because  they  were  on  their  way  to  Dublin,  and  not  on  account  of  their 
dress,  "a  reason  that  no  one  but  a  Militia  officer  would  have  dreamed 
of."  Doubtless  BKKNAL  feels  towards  the  Militia  the  lofty  contempt 
of  an  ex-captain  in  the  real  Army,  but  he  should  not  be  so  rude. 

Friday.  India  was  talked  of  in  the  Lords,  but  the  Telegraph  mes- 
sage was  still  a  few  hours  off,  or  the  tone  of  the  speakers  would  have 
been  graver.  The  chief  topic  in  the  Commons  was  the  Wills  Bill, 
against  which  divers  members  emitted  the  growls  of  the  Proctors, 
those  of  York  especially,  selecting  as  their  organ  MR.  GEORGE  HUDSON, 
formerly  Monarch  of  Railways,  but  discrowned  long  ago,  for  deficient 
amounts  and  cooked  accounts,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  you  know. 


RAILWAY  ECONOMY. 

N  certain,  if  not  on  all  railways,  an 
economy  is  practised  in  an  article  wherein 
a  rather  more  liberal  expenditure  is  de- 
sirable, which  might  be  incurred  without 
any  appreciable  detriment  to  dividends. 
We  allude  to  the  parsimony  of  speech 
and  pronunciation  evinced  by  those  ser- 
vants of  the  various  companies,  whose 
duty  it  is  to  shout  out  the  names  of 
the  several  stations  at  which  the  trains 
stop.  Many  passengers  in  a  long  train 
are  so  situated  that  they  cannot  see  the 
station-board,  and  are  accordingly  de- 
pendent for  the  knowledge  of  their 
whereabout  on  the  cries  of  those  officials. 
Now  these  cries  often  consist  of  abbre- 
viations which  are  quite  unintelligible. 
On  the  South  Eastern  line,  the  other  day, 
our  ears,  at  one  station,  were  greeted  with 
the  monosyllabic  exclamations  of  "  'Oss ! 
'Oss  !  "  A  little  farther  on,  they  were 
saluted  with  the  equally  compendious 
vociferations  of  "  N'am !  N'am !  "  These 
semi-articulate  sounds,  we  found,  on  in- 
quiry, to  mean  "New  Cross  "  and  "  Syd- 
enham."  Neither  of  those  places  hap- 
pened to  be  our  destination;  but  if  we 
Had  been  bound  for  either,  we  should 
certainly  have  been  conveved  beyond  it, 
save  for  the  vigilance  and  alertness  which 
we  are  happily  endowed  with,  and  which  we  exhibit  on  all  occasions. 


How   Estimates   Grow! 

cf      «e,stimate  for  the  proposed  expenditure  of  the  Public  Offices  is 
Sj6,UOU,UUq.     1  he  sum  originally  proposed  for  building  the  Houses  of 

1  artoment  was  £250,000.  According  to  M  u.  WINK,  this  sum  lias  since 
into  an  outlay  of  not  less  than  £2,500,000— that  is  to  say  a  modest 

excess  of  precisely  ten  times  the  original  oM.imate.  Now,  if  the  esti- 
>r  the  Public  Offices  is  to  expand  in  the  like  moderate  propor- 

frr%m  nrln  lmate;,  Outla7-  far  from  bein£  £5.°00,000,  will  be  some 
;    and  as   the  money  goes,   we   may  iconsider  ourselves 
ly  lucky,  if  we  get  off  as  cheaply  as  that !     Parliament  is  sup- 
posed t.o  Legislate  for  the  million  ;  and  it  must  be  for  the  million  for  it 
is  but  too  evident  they  take  no  care  of  the  millions. 

SEW  DEFINITION. 

A  LADY:  a  Sensitive  Plant,  that  thrives  ordy  in  the  centre  of  a 
large    .Crinoline  fence.     Rarely  seen,  excepting  by  the  most  practised 


THE  STAK  OF  VA^OUE. 

DISTRIBUTED    BY    THE    QUEEN'S    OWN    HAND, 
JUNE  26,  1857. 

A  RIFT  is  made  in  that  dark  shade 
Which  o'er  our  soldiers  flung  its  blight, 

And  through  the  shroud  of  its  cold  cloud, 
The  Star  of  Valour  throws  a  light. 

Low-born  and  noble,  side  by  side, 

Colonel  and  private,  stand  to-day : 
Their  comrades'  boast,  their  country's  pride, 

Where  all  were  brave,  the  bravest  they ! 

The  fount  of  Honour,  sealed  till  now 
To  all  save  claims  of  rank  and  birth,' 

Makes  green  the  laurel  on  the  brow, 
Ennobled  but  by  soldier's  worth. 

The  QUEEN'S  own  hand,  on  each  brave  breast — 

Beat  it  'neath  serge  or  superfine — 
Hangs  the  plain  cross,  whose  bronze,  so  prest, 

Beameth  with  more  than  diamond's  shine. 

That  bronze,  cast  from  the  steadfast  guns, 

Which  blazed  along  the  red  Redan, 
Whose  maddening  music,  while  it  stuns 

The_ coward,  only  wakes  the  man. 

From  whose  hot  muzzles  was  plucked  forth, 

The  fame,  their  metal  now  rewards 
In  these  plumed  warriors  of  the  North, 

These  Sailors,  Rifles,  Linesmen,  Guards. 

These  Heavy  Horsemen  who  rode  out, 
Stern  and  sedate,  though  one  to  ten : 

Then,  through  the  Russian  line  in  rout, 
Stern  and  sedate,  rode  back  again. 

And  these  Light  Horse — of  deathless  name, 

Who  charged,  unquestioning  of  their  doom, 
Through  those  long  miles  all  fire  and  flame, 
And  at  the  end,  a  soldier's  tomb  ! 

Of  these  the  bravest  and  the  best 
Who  'scaped  the  chance  of  shot  and  sword, 

England  doth,  by  her  QUEEN,  invest 
With  Valour's  Cross — their  great  reward! 

Marking  her  sense  of  something,  still, 

A  central  nobleness,  that  lies 
Deeper  than  rank  which  royal  will, 

Or  birth,  or  chance,  or  wealth  supplies. 

Knighthood  that  girds  all  valiant  hearts, 
Knighthood  that  crowns  each  fearless  brow ; 

That  Ivuighthood  this  bronze  cross  imparts — 
Let  Fleece,  and  Bath,  and  Garter  bow  ! 


WINDOW-GARDENING. 

W>;  have  seen  a  wonderful  specimen  of  window-gardening.  This 
bright  specimen  may  be  seen  in  Regent  Street  any  day,  from  daylight 
until  dark,  at  the  Junior  United  Service  Club.  You  must  Io9k  up  to 
the  drawing-room  window,  and  there  you  will  behold  it  in  all  its  efful- 
gent beauty.  The  effect  is  exceedingly  simple,  but  positively  startling 
from  its  excess  of  simplicity.  We  have  rarely  seen  an  effect  so  strong  pro- 
duced by  means  so  limited.  You  must  fancy  a  wooden  box  about  the 
length  of  your  walking-stick  and  not  wider  than  your  bootjack.  This 
box  is  painted  green  — but  the  bright  green  of  a  lady's  parasol— a 
million  times  greener  than  any  penny  Pickwick !  Well,  inside  this  box 
may  be  distinctly  seen  a  profusion  of  Mignonette !  It  is  evidently  of 
the  very  best.  The  stalks  tower  up  to  the  first  sash  at  least  of  the 
handsome  sheet  of  plate  glass  that  frames  it  in  behind.  The  leaves 
cluster  socially  together,  as  thick  as  policemen  at  night.  First  you 
have  the  stone  window-sill — on  tha,t  rests  the  green  box — and  soaring 
high  over  them  both,  you  see  the  Mignonette  !  The  effect  to  be  appre- 
ciated must  be  seen.  In  the  afternoon,  it  is  seen,  perhaps,  to  the 
greatest  advantage.  When  the  sun  is  shining  on  MR.  BELLBW'S  side  of 
the  street,  we  have  counted  as  many  as  ten  noses — Roman,  Grecian, 
and  every  nasal  order  of  architecture — leaning  lovingly  at  the  same 
time  over  that  simple  little  box !  It  is  seemingly  the  members'  pride, 
their  joy,  their  floricultural  plaything,  their  beloved  Picciola,  the 
veterans'  one  pet  blooming  child !  The  admirals  take  it  in  turn  to 
water  it. 


JULY  4,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   Oil  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


THE    MATRIMONIAL    MARKET. 

ATURDAY  last  there  was 
a  grand  meeting  in  the 
City,  which  ended  in 
unanimously  approving 
of  the  Isthmus  of  Sue?, 
at.  We  cad 

not    help    thinking   that 
this  canal,  when  success- 
fully    carried    tl 
will  have  a  most  bein-ii- 
eia!  effect   on  tin 
Matrimonial  Market.    In 
fact,  we  have  the  assur- 
ance of  a  fond 
familial    to    that    tender 
T,  most 

modestly     written,    she 
says  to  as : — 

*  I  am  the  mother  of  ten 
dear  children.     They  are  all 
daughters.     Their  names  are 
•s    HANNAH,    JANK, 

MARII:,    Kiti. 
— but  never  mind  the  others. 
Suffice    it  to  say.    they   are 
=    spelt  with  ten  different  let- 
-**    '    11  of  the  Alphabet.     Well, 
Sir,   I   do  not  niiii'l 
you  t  hat,  tritre  noux.  \ 
the  habit  uf  exporting  one  or 
two  of  my  daughters  every 
year  to  India.      Better   bo 
married    at    Bombay,    than 
in    London  ! 

The  result  is,  some  are  mar- 
ried, whilst  others  have  not 
beenso fortunate  Thesehavo 
returned  to  their  disconso- 
late mother,  who,  alas  I  in 
addition  to  her  many  anxie- 
ties, that  prevent  lnv 
r'.unng  the  day,  and  sleeping 
at  night,  has  to  pay  the  ex- 
penses of  their  passage  home 

into  the  bargain— if  bargain  you  can  call  it  at  all.  Sir.  This  is  most  wearing,  rnoit  exhausting 
both  to  frame  and  purse— and  the  consequence  is,  Sir,  that  the  one  (once  so  plump)  has  become 
even  more  slender,  if  you  will  believe  it,  than  the  other  !  This  cannot  last — I  am  sure  it  cannot. 
Both  rny  person  and  portc  monnaie  are  now  at  their  last  gasp.  The  worst  is,  there  are  no  return- 
tickets  as  yet  from  India  !  neither  will  vessels  make  a  reduction  on  taking  a  quantity  !  Oh  I  Sir, 
I  can  tell  you,  it  is  no  joke  to  have  a  daughter  thrown  upon  your  hand*,  when  you  fancy  you 
Imve  got  her  off  for  life.  The  weight,  Sir,  is  no  trifle,  when  you  have  some  seven  or  eight 


others  to  support.    Now,  Mr.  Punch,  I  believe  that  this  Suez  Canal 
(Hiugiilarly  enough,  cue  of  toy  daughters'  names  is  SUSAN  !)  will  be  a 
great  boon  to  poor  mothers  like  myself.    I  am  told  that  it  «  ill  :•• 
the  journey  to  India  by  one-half,  and  that  it  is,   also,  to  cut  the  | 
expense,  like  a  good  canal,  right  in  two !    This  cutting  al-m:  ought 
are  its  success  as  the  very  best  channel  for  commercial  as  well 
as  maternal  investment.  My  daughters  will  not  bo  so  liable  to  lose  their 
6«au/yoii  ,,  and  if  they  do  return,  it  will  be  a  return  to 

me  at  all  events  of  one-half  the  present  outlay.  These  are  great 
inducements  to  a  delicate,  anxious,  struggling  parent,  who  tries  all 
she  can  to  bring  up  her  daughter.-.  :  unmarried  !)  rapect- 

"•/(,  to  give  this  Suez  scheme  the  benefit 
of  all  your  support  and  influence,  and  I  promise  that  I  will .-. 
you  d>ur  kind  soul,  the  very  first  KttplMitt  I  receive  from  one  of  my 
future  sons-in-lnw— you  sec  if  I  don't." 

We  admit  the  temptation  is  very  great,  but  still  we 
cannot,  promise  M  i-s.  MATKHI-MMII.IA.S  amtlnng  of  the  sort, 
unfed  she  gives  us  her  word  of  honour  that  all  her 
daughters  are  ugly.  We  do  not  approve  of  the  plan  of 
some  of  our  prettiest  young  ladies  being  packed  (.If,  like 
living  merchandise,  to  India,  to  supply  the  Matrimonial 
there.  They  should  be  labelled  "On  Sale,  or 
lieturn."  Still,  if  the  Isthmus  of  Sue/,  in  its  present  form 
prolongs  the  journey  to  India,  and  lenirlhens  the  expense, 
we  will  so  far  promise  to  appoint,  ourselves  into  a  Com- 
upou  it,  when  doubtlessly  our  report  will  be, 
in  dramatic  argot:  "Isthmus  much  too  long— wants  cutting 
dreadfully."  

A  Bright  Prospect. 

MR.  BRIGHT 
Is  again  all  right, 
Almost — but  not  quite. 
Though  Punch  and  he 
Can't  wholly  agree, 
Him  at  work  once  more  may  Punch  soon  see ! 


House  of  Call  for  the  Clergy. 

IN  an  article  ou  the  subject  of  archidiaconal  visitations, 
our  highly  improved  contemporary,  the  Morning  Post, 
states  that  on  the  occasion  of  those  ecclesiastical  gather- 
in^,  "  the  Clergy  adjourn  to  the  chief  hotel  to  dine  with 
the  Archdeacon,  and  the  wardens  to  some  inferior  public- 
house  to  dine  with  the  apparitor."  Surely,  this  is  a  mis- 
take. The  secular  church-wardens  and  apparitor,  as  men  of 
1  he  world,  adjourn  to  the  chief  hotel ;  and  the  parsons,  in 
their  profession;)}  humility,  of  course,  betake  themselves  to 
the  inferior  public-house. 


MR.  BOWYER  ON  HARD  SWEARING. 

MR.  BOWYER  is  the  Member  for  Dundalk;  but  the  honourable  and 
learned  gentleman  .sometimes  talks  as  if  he  were  the  representative  of 
Bedlam.     That  any  man  should  h:ue  n   serious  objection  to  take  any 
oath  which  he  consents  to  take,  is  strange  enough.    The  objection 
implies  something  very  like  a  consciousness  of  perjury,  unless  it  is  only 
maniacal.    Let  MR.  BOWTER  be  supposed  to  want  reason  rather  than 
;  but  surely  nobody  not  destitute  of  one  or  the  other,  could 
i  any  oath  that  he  has  brought  himself  to  swallow,  in  the  sub- 
joined language,  \\liirh  MR.  BCAFYER  is  reported  to  have  used  in  the 
last  debate  on  the  Oaths  Bill  :— 

rholie  oath  was  absurd  and  nugatory — far  more  absurd  and  nugatory 
posed;  becaa-e  it   attempted  to  force  them  to  deny  doctrines 
and  tend  ,ijd  m,t  deny.     It  was  a  mockery  and  a  profanation." 

In  reading  the  above,  one  is  at  first  sight  inclined  to  suppose  that 
the  word  "not"  «  !   by  a  typographical  mistake.     An  oath 

winch  forced  people  to  deny  that  which  they  did  deny  would  be  super- 
fluous, ttnd  I '  and  absurd  enough  :  but  an  oath  which 
jorces  them  to  deny  what  they  do  not  deny,  forces  them  to  swear 
lalse ly.  An  oat h  v,  , pts  to  make  them  swear  falsely,  succeeds 
they  take  it ;  and  if  false  swearing  is  absurd,  it  is  not  nugatory,  but 
asomewhal  serious  tliin-.  That  the  above  emoted  words,  however, 
are  all  M  it.  Bo*  YKK'S,  and  no  typographical  mistake,  we  arc  forced  to 
conclude  by  the  context  of  his  reported  discourse : — 

.:..WYKR  (in  continuation)  asked  whether  any  Roman  Catholic  could  in 
sty,  or  on  Ins  honour,  be  a  party  to  Imp  ,,wn  or  other 

,  an  oath  which  denied  one  of  the  most  fundamental  doctrines  of  his 
Cuurcn  I 

\Vhatdoestliismcan,  if  not  that  Mn.BowYKR  accuses  himself  of 

Jring  his  oath  as  a  Member  of  Parliament,  denied  one  of 

the  most  fundamental  doctrines  of  his  Church?    If  he  does  not  talk 

mere  nonsense,  it  is  quid'  clear  that  the  Roman  Catholic  Emancipation 

i •  T>1Sli-M  re£ards  lllm>  superfluous  :  no  oath  could  have  kept  him  out 

Parliament.     How  angry  MR.  BOWYKH  would  have  been  with 


i  Hall,  if  Exeter  Hall,  instead  of  himself,  had  accused  Popery  of 
perjury  !  Hit  heitu  it  has  been  generally  considered  by  liberal  persons, 
the  accusation  of  disregarding  oaths,  and  of  taking  them  with 
mental  reservations,  was  a  calumny  upon  Roman  Catholics.  What  are 
we  to  say  now  that  we  find  them  taking  an  oath,  and  complaining  that 
they  cannot  take  it  conscientiously  ?  The  mildest  thing  we  can  say  is, 
that  all  such  Papists  bad.  better  have  the  tonsure  conferred  on  them  in 
having  their  heads  close-shaved,  and  be  shut  up  in  a  psychologico- 
medical  monastery.  

THE  DIVORCE  BILL. 

TIIT,  first  case  under  the  above  law  has  been  the  Divorce,  owing 
to   differences    of   temper   as   well   as   circulation,    of  the  Morning 
Herald   and    the  Standard.     The  divorce   is  niensd  et  Tory.     The 
Standard  is  already  wedded  to  Liberalism.    The  separation  took  place 
even  before  the  law  had  passed,  but  it  was  well  known  that  the  parties 
were  always  in  advance  of  their  age.  The  property  was  not 
.   but   it.  was  equally  divided.     It   is   understood  that   the 
.7w/</  still  keeps  possession  of  the  "  AMERICAN  SEA  SER- 
PENT," whilst  tlie  Standard  is  to  be  allowed  the  exclusive  nin  of  the 
"En  "OSEBERRY."     There    was  some   dispute  about    the 

ant  OF  FROGS,"  but  a  division  (or  a  difference  rather)  was 
happily  avoided  by  its  being  understood  that  the  lot  was  to  be  split  in 
two — one  half  of  the  frogs  to  go  to  the  Herald,  and  the  other  half  to 
fall  to  the  Standard.  One  of  the  unhappy  couple  (the  OLD  WOMAN 
who  lives  in  Shoe  Lane,  we  believe)  has  been  inconsolable  ever  since 
the. separation.  In  fact,  she  is  not  expected  to  recover. 


Depth  in  a  Deep  Tragedy. 

WITH  what  wonderful  accuracy  docs  Young  Norcal  in  the  Scotch 
tragedy,  in  the  account  which  he  gives  of  his  supposed  pat. 
indicate  the  character  of  a  Yankee  dealer  !    He  describes  his  father  as 
\  an  individual  "  whose  constant  care  was  to  inercas. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  4,  1857. 


'       , 


SENSIBLE    RIDING    COSTUME    FOR   WARM    WEATHER. 


ME.  PUNCH  AND  THE  VICTORIA  CEOSS. 

PERHAPS  ;  no,  we  scorn  a  qualified  expression,  and  begin  again  with — 
Decidedly  the  most  imposing  ceremonial  which  lias  ever  taken  place  in 
a  free  or  any  other  country,  was  exhibited  to  the  eyes  of  the  million, 
on  Friday,  the  26th  of  June,T.857,  in  Hyde  Park,  when  and  where  HER 
MOST  GRACIOUS  MAJESTY  was  pleased  to  confer  upon  Mr.  Punch 
the  Victoria  Cross,  or  Order  of  Merit,  in  acknowledgment  of  many 
years  of  gallant,  daring,  and  faithful  service  to  the  Throne,  the  Altar, 
and  the  Nation. 

The  day  was  fixed  for  Friday,  because  it  fell  within  the  week  during 
which  HB.  PUNCH  is  engaged  in  preparing  the  first  number  of  a  new 


of  archness  and  kindness,  when  settling  the  affair  with  MR.  PUNCH, 
at  the  Palace,  "unless  you  object  to  receiving  an  honour  in  the 
same  week  with  the  Prince,  whom  I  am  just  ordering  to  be  prayed  for 
as  Prince  Consort."  It  is  needless  to  record  Mr.  Punch's  affectionately 
loyal  yet  epigrammatically  subtle  response. 

The  ceremony  was  witnessed  by  exulting 'myriads,  and  therefore  it 
is  not  necessary  to  describe  that  which  those  myriads  in  a  state  of 
frantic  exultation  at  their  good  luck  in  witnessing  such  a  scene,  have 
been  ceaselessly  narrating  to  everybody  ever  since.  But  the  following 
list,  which  comprises  only  a  very  few  of  the  signal  military  and  civil 
services  of  Mr.  Punch,  should  be  treasured  as  a  record  in  connection 
with  the  glorious  celebration  of  Friday.  That  immortal  man  was 
decorated,  (inter  alia,) 

For  having  in  the  most  gallant  manner,  and  single-handed,  stormed  the  fortress 
of  Protection,  aud  opened  the  gates  to  COMMANDER  B.  COBDKN  and  the  League. 

For  having  protected  the  country  when  it  was  threatened  by  the  Chartists  and 
for  having  completely  put  down  Chartism. 

For  having  attacked  the  Post  Office  when  in  the  hands  of  the  Brigand  GRAHAM, 
and  for  having  delivered  the  correspondence  of  the  nation  from  that  plunderer. 

For  having  a  second  time  attacked  the  Post  Office,  and  handed  it  overto  ROWLAND 
HILL,  whereby  the  tremendous  letter-tax  was  put  down  iu  favour  of  the  present 
system. 

For  having  completely  put  down  Repeal,  and  driven  all  Repealers  out  of  Ireland. 

For  having  destroyed  the  Welsh  Toll  Gates,  aud  for  being  ready,  and  what  is 
more  determined,  to  do  the  same  by  those  of  England. 


For  having  charged  into  Capel  Court,  and  routed  out  its  nest  of  pirates,  and  for 
having  afterwards  shot  down  all  the  wild  stags  that  were  so  dangerous  to  society. 

For  having  utterly  defeated  the  Papal  Aggressionists. 

For  having  made  War  upon  Russia,  and  for  having  finally  humiliated  her,  and 
compelled  her  to  sign  a  Treaty. 

For  having  smashed  the  ALBERT  hat. 

For  having  repulsed  intended  invasions  by  France  and  America. 

For  having  overthrown  the  timid  Ministry  of  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL. 

For  having  overthrown  the  foolish  Ministry  of  LORD  DERBY. 

For  having  overthrown  the  un-English  Ministry  of  LORD  ABERDEEN. 

For  having  made  LORD  PALMERSTON,  Minister  of  England,  and  pledged  him  to 
Reform. 

For  having  put  down  the  Sabbatarians,  and  for  having  secured  rational  liberty  to 
the  millions  in  respect  to  Sunday  observance. 

For  having  created  the  Great  Exhibition  of  1851. 

For  having  built  and  christened  the  Crystal  Palace. 

For  having  compelled  the  Government  to  reduce  the  Income-Tax. 

For  having  suggested  every  reform  and  improvement  which  have  been  effected  in 
the  world  since  July  1841,  and  for  intending  to  pursue  the  same  course  as  long  as 
the  world  requires  any  amendment  whatever. 

[Tlic  list  to  be  continued  through  many  numbers. 


THE  CANTERBURY  CASINO. 

A  NOTICE  exhibited  on  Norwood  Common,  near  the  Crystal  Palace, 
informs  the  public  that  the  "eligible"  circumjacent  "land"  is  '  to 
let  on  lease  for  building  purposes:  Title  from  the  ARCHBISHOP  OP 
CANTERBURY."  This  is  supposed  to  be  a  device  of  the  present  occu- 
pant of  the  land— the  keeper  of  two  temporary  wood  and  canvas 
structures  thereon  standing;  the  one  a  refreshment  booth,  and  the 
other  a  sixpenny  dancing  ditto.  His  object  is  presumed  to  be  to  pro- 
cure for  those  establishments  a  respectability  which,  we  are  informed, 
does  not  exactly  obtrude  itself  upon  the  perception  of  their  visitor. 
That  a  cheap  Casino  can  really  be  held  under  the  Archbishop  is 
incredible;  for  what  are  Sunday  bands,  shocking  as  he  deems  them, 
compared  to  a  sixpenny  hop  on  any  day  of  the  week? 


WISCOUNT  WILLIAMS'S  WiNDicATiou.— "  Nobility !  Psha  !  we  have 
no  Nobility — we  have  only  got  a  Haristocracy !  " 


o 

W 

td 
H 
o 


H 

w 


o 

H 
O 

£ 

O 

o 


c 
o 


- 


o 
o 

2! 

a 

at 


so 


JULY  4,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


IMPERFECTION   OF  .THE  YANKEE  TONGUE. 

THE  New  York  Times,  whilst,  irlon  ing  in  the  general  inventive  powers 
of  Americans,  deplores  their  national  delleiency  in  the  faculty  of 
inventing  Dames  for  pi.-..  "  Brownsville,"  "  Tomkinsvillc," 

"  M'Grawlersville,"  are  instanced  by  our  New  York  contemporary  as 
specimens  of  (lie  inelegant  and  inexi  .A  Inch  the 

pioneers  of  Yankee  civilization  are  in  the  habit  of  allotting  to  ne\\  1\ 
founded  towns  and  cities,  \\hilst,  "Milwaukee"  is  described  U  "• 
beautiful  name."  There  is  certainly  a  difference  between  ".Mil 
waukec,"  and  "  Brownsville,"  together  with  the  congeneric  "villes" 
of  TOM  KINS  and  ML'G  but  it  is  not  so  much  the.  difference 

between  beautiful    and    ugly,  as  a  difference  C  ng  to  tliat 

whifli  c\;  .  .-d  to   exist,  ;esthcl  ieally,  between  the 

settle).--,  M'(ii;\w  u-:ii,  TOMKINS,  and  I'.mjwx  on  the  one  hand,  and 
the  aboriginal  BLACK  HAWK  on  the  other.  The  euphony  of  "Mil- 
wank  >s  to  that  of"]  jokey  Pokey."  There  is  a 

sort  of  native  sweetness  in  the  sound  of  either  name:  a  sweetness 
savouring  of  natives  who  tattoo  their  checks,  and  paint  their  noses  red 
and  skv-bluc.     If  the  Americans  want  names  of  that  sort  for  their 
new  settlements,  they  might  readily  obtain  them.    To  a  sane  adult  it 
not.  perhaps,  be  a  very  becoming  mental  exercise  to  invent  such 
is;   but,  plenty  of    the  be  procured  from  any 

nursery,  the  occupants  of  which  are  able  to  talk ;  or  from  any  lunatic 
as\  him  \i  hose  inmates  are  not  deaf  and  dumb.  The  invention  of  funny 
names  like  "  M  il«  aukee,"  would  be  .-•  ;t.  amusement  for  infants, 

and  a  very  suitable  employment  for  the  insane,  serving  in  some  degree 
to  utilise  those  unfortunate  beings. 

Nothing  is  so  easy  as  gibberish  to  anybody  who  will  give  his  mind 
to  it ,  provided  that  mind  is  undeveloped  or  disordered.  It  is  strange 
that  a  people  so  fertile  as  our  Transatlantic  kinsmen  in  the  production 
of  odd  words  in  general  should  be  so  slow  as  they  appear  to  be  at 
local  nomenclature.  How  the  nation  that  has  added  "  eatawampous," 
"  slockdologer,"  "  stampede,"  and  "  bogus,"  to  the  English  dictionary 
can  be  at  a  loss  for  terms,  racy  of  the  soil,  to  apply  to  any  portion  of 
it,  is  difficult  to  conceive.  Can  it  be  a  hard  matter  for  those  who  call 
each  other  "hard-shells"  "soft-shells,"  "hunkers,"  "locofocos," 
mil  "  bam- burners,"  to  call  any  number  of  places 
names  '".  Even  if  they  cannot  by  natural  means  accomplish  the  task  of 
naming  new  locations,  they  might  avail  themselves  of  the  assistance 
of  spirit-rapping  mediums,  through  whom,  doubtless,  they  could  get 
rapped  out  plenty  of  words  that  would  answer  the  purpose  at  least  as 
well  as  "Milwaukee" — words  original  as  to  orthography,  and  of 
unknown  meaning. 

MBS.  GAMP'S  FAREWELL  TO  MBS.  HARRIS. 

AH  !  Mrs.  Harris  !  the  best  of  friends,  as  the  sayin'  is,  must  part, 
Which  there 's  no  uge  in  cryin'  as  if  one  would  break  one's  'art ; 
Many 's  the  years  we  spent  together,  and  many  a  cup  of  tea  : 
But  there !  the  time  is  come  at  last— it  is  as  was  to  be. 

Good  by'e,  Ma'am !  and  I  'm  sure  I  wish  you  many  many  'appy  years 
As  ever  any  martial  can  expect  in  this  here  wale  of  tears. 
I  always  was  attarched  to  you,  and  esteemed  you  very  much, 
And  wherever  I  go,  I  am  sure,  I  shall  always  speak  of  you  as  such. 


Our  walks  in  life  enceforrads  is  in  different  parths  to  be, 

But  I  shall  very  ofteulthink  of  you,  Ma'am,  and  I  ope  you  '11  sometimes 

think  of  me. 

Nobody  knows  but  them  as  feels,  is  what  I  will  maintain ; 
Good  b'ye,  dear  Mrs.  Harris,  possible,  we  shan't  never  meet  again. 

Haccept  my  bonnet  and  pattens,  which  no  longer  I  shall  wear, 
For  I  must  put  on  other  clothes  which  I  own  I  can't  abcar. 
Nobody  won't  know  me  when  thev  sees  me  in  my  new  dredge, 
A  workin'  out  my  midgion  in  another  spear  of  ugefulnedge. 


HOMAGE  TO  MARSEILLES. 

_  MR.  PUNCH  seldom  wastes  his  criticism  on  farces,  and  has  no  par- 
ticular remark  to  offer  on  the  French  elections.  But  he  conceives  it 
but  knightly  courtesy  to  tender  his  congratulations  for  witty  M.  TAXILE 
I'ULoiu),  of  the  Charivari,  on  his  providential  escape,  by  the  Marseilles 
vote,  from  a  seat  m  such  a  chamber  as  the  Prefects  have  assembled. 
Helots  drunk  were  a  demoralising  spectacle  for  the  Spartan,  but  how 
much  more  deteriorating  were  association  with  Helots  sober  Mr 
funck  is  indebted  to  the  people  of  Marseilles  for  refusing  to  destroy 
the  subtle  and  scintillating  intellect  of  M.  TAXILE  DELORD 


SURVEY  OF  A  LADY'S  DRESS, 

GREAT  disputes  have  arisen  among  engineers  and  scientific  gentle- 
men as  to  the  particular  scale  that   .should   he  adopted  in  taking  tin- 
survey  of  a  fashionable   lady's  dress.      Luiu>  Eu  no  ad\o<v 
adoption  of  a  scale  of  twenty-live  inches  to  the  mile.     This,  he  says, 
careful  rep  n  Of  all  the  lengths  and  breadths' of 

Tin:  llounecs  would  be  put  down  to  a  nicety:  every  one 
of  the  colons  would  be  carefully  indicate,! ;  not  a  piece  of  gut/ 

uld  be  omitted.    On  the  other  side,  it  is  argued  that 
as  taken  on  that  large  scale  would  be  so  cumber 

i  tidy  inconvenient  for  all  purposes  of  reference, 
i-rson  wishing  to  consult  Hie  survey,  would  be  compelled  to 
take  it  out  with  him  to  Hampstead  Heath  or  Wormwood  Scrubbs,  or 
some  monster  open  space,  before  lie  could  unfold  it.  These  objections 
are  met  boldly  and  openly  by  his  Lordship,  lie  asks  what  necessity 
is  there  that  all  the  plans  should  be  taken  on  the  same  sheet 
of  paper?  He  does  not  see  why  the  .survey  could  not  be  taken 
on  a  series  of  small  maps,  instead  of  one  large  one  ?  or  what  there  is 
to  prevent  you  binding  up  the  maps,  according  to  their  anatomical 
rcssion,  in  one  uniform  volume,  which  might  be  bound  in  a 
pattern  of  the  very  dress  that  was  mapped  inside  ?  Each  part  should 
be  complete  in  itself.  You  would  have  your  two  arms,  your  waist, 
your  right  side,  your  left  side,  your  first  flounce,  your  second  ditto, 
your  third,  and  so  on  ad  cetemvm,  until  the  whole  survey  was  com- 
pleted. 

SIR  RODERICK  MTJBCHISON  is  of  opinion  that  a  one-inch  scale 
would  answer  all  necessary  purposes.  It  would  be  useless  and  extra- 
vagant, he  contends,  considering  the  many  countless  yards  of  waste 
stuff,  to  take  any  map  larger  than  that  of  one  inch.  If  milliners  for 
their  own  personal  requirements  wanted  a  larger  map;  let  them  take 
it  at  their^own  expense.  For  the  usclof  the  husband  the  milliner's  bill 
was  all  that  was  sufficient.  It  usually  gave  all  the  particulars ;  and,  if 
there  was  any  doubt,  the  sum  total  mostly  removed  it.  The  price  was 
put  down,  and  it  was  no  very  difficult  matter  from  that  to  estimate 
the  quantity';  though  the  husbands,  whose  credit  was,  owing  to  the 
extravagance  of  their  wives'  milliners'  bills,  being  killed  by  inches, 
cared  generally  but  little  about  the  precise  number.  The  subject  was 
one  which  was  not  often  surveyed  by  the  husband  with  any  degree  of 
pleasure ;  and  probably  the  less  he  saw  of  the  extent  to  which  his 
wife  carried  her  follies,  the  better  he  was  pleased.  Under  these 
circumstances  he  thought  a  half-inch  scale  would  abundantly  satisfy 
all  rational  purposes.  The  matter  was  still  under  warm  dispute 
(92°  Fahrenheit)  when  we  went  to  press. 


WIT  IN  THE  HOUSE  or  COMMONS.— A  WITTY  Member  (it  is  not 
MR.  brooNER.)  has  characterised  the   Divorce  and  Marriage  Bill  as  a 
New  Law  of  Partnership,  with  limited  liability." 


FKEEDOMS  OF  THE  PRESS. 

\\  mi  the  suppression  merely  of  the  names,  we  quote  verbatim  this 
interesting  paragraph  from  the  Paris  correspondence  of  a  fashionable 
contemporary  :— 

"  The  rising  belles  of  the  day  are  the  MDLLM. ,  the  daughters  of — — . 

The  elder,  a  striking  brunette  of  sixteen,  has  made  her  JtltiU  with  considerable  Mat 
at  the  Tuileries  :  the  second,  a  charming  blonde,  a  year  younger,  has  only  aa  yet 
appeared  at  the  Italian  opera,  but  has  already  attracted  much  admiration  by  her 
delicate  and  somewhat  pensive  beauty." 

We  have  heard  some  writers  praised  for  their  originality  of  subject, 
and  we  have  kiwwn  others  lauded  for  the  freedom  of  their  style ;  but 
although  there  is  undoubted  novelty  in  thus  dragging  private  ladies 
out  in  public  print,  and  describing  their  "  good  points "  with  much 
the  manner  of  a  slave-dealer,  we  think  the  writer  deserves  rather  to  be 
kicked  than  commended  for  his  freedom.  Of  course,  when  an  actress 
makes  her  debut,  she  must  expect  to  see  some  comments  on  her  person 
in  the  papers ;  but  it  is  a  new  idea  to  us  to  find  the  audience  thus 
criticised  as  well  as  the  performers,  and  we  should  certainly  give  up 
our  box  at  HER  MAJESTY'S  were  we  to  discover  that  our  daughters 
could  not  go  there  without  being  admired  by  the  penny-a-Bners. 
Indeed,  when  one  reads  of  a  young  lady  having  "appeared"  at  the 
Opera,  one  naturally  infers  that  it  was  on  the  stage  she  did  so :  and  if 
one  were  to  judge  from  such  appearances  as  these,  a  man  could  never 
go  to  ALMACK'S  without  suspecting  half  his  partners  had  been  behind 
the  scenes  perhaps  the  evening  previous.  We  confess,  too,  when  we 
hear  of  the  "  considerable  eclat "  which  has  recently  attended  a 
debutante  at  Court,  we  feel  almost  tempted  to  forego  our  wishes  to 
obtain  the  presentation  of  our  darling  JCDYLETTA-  for  that  young 
person,  we  opine,  would  be  very  little  benefited  by  finding  she  had  made 
such  a  noise  in  the  fashionable  world  as  to  have  reached  the  lengthened 
ears^ofan  "own  correspondent." 

We  have  small  wish  to  curtail  the  freedom  of  the  press,  and  we  have 
harshly  noticed  the  above  offence  mainly  to  deter  another  from  com- 
mitting it.  On  second  thoughts,  however,  (we  add  this  after  dinner,) 
our  benevolence  inclines  us  to  prescribe  a  milder  treatment  for  the 
offence:  he  should  have  his  ears  boxed  by  that,  "striking"  young 
brunette,  by  whom  he  appears  to  have  been  already  smitten. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  4,  1857. 


-    Mfc"      '"' 


THE    LATEST    FASHION. 


Charles.  "  SWEET  STYLE  OP  TROWSER,  Gus ! " 
(his.  "  YA-AS!  AND  so  DOOSED  COMFORTABLE. 
LA  PEG-TOP  ! " 

Charles.  "  No  ! — RE-ALLY  ! " 


THEY'RE  CALLED  PASTALONS  A 


LOED  NATHAN. 

(AN   APPEAL  TO   THB   PEERS.) 

MAKE  room,  for  LORD  NATHAN,  proud  barons  and  carls,' 
LOUD  NATHAN,  the  lord  of  tiie  dark  shining  curls, 
Of  the  full  bright  black  eye,  and  the  aquiline  nose, 
What  features  more  aristocratic  than  those  ? 

Of  lineage  so  ancient  LORD  NATHAN  doth  come, 
That  he  hath  no  fellow  in  all  Christendom. 
Tor  that  length  of  descent  which  your  lordships  revere, 
Not  one  of  you  all  is  the  LORD  NATHAN'S  peer. 

The  lofty  PLANTAGENET'S  long  pedigree 
Is  a  mushroom  to  LORD  NATHAN'S  family  tree ; 
In  the  first  of  the  Patriarchs  centres  its  root, 
In  noble  LORD  NATHAN  behold  its  offshoot. 

His  race  with  the  Conqueror,  great  son  of  NUN, 
Came  in  at  the  Conquest  when  Canaan  was  won  : 
You  talk  of  Crubaders  from  drawing  your  line  ; 
His  fathers  were  those  who  first  took  Palestine. 

Your  sires'  proud  exploits  on  the  Paynim  you  quote, 
Long  ere  them  the  NATHANS  idolaters  smote; 
Their  chivalry  long  had  Pliilistines  o'erthrown, 
Ere  Saracen  hosts  felt  the  shock  of  your  own. 

His  champions  in  ages  ere  those  of  your  strain 
Were  thought  of,  their  giants  and  dragons  had  slain. 
Then  welcome  LORD  NATHAN,  ye  sons  of  the  knights, 
And  render  him  homage  as  well  as  his  rights. 


HORSES  AND  MAYOR. 

OUR  friends  the  French  are  possessed  with  an  idea  of 
the  greatness  of  the  LORD  MAYOR  op  LONDON,  not  likely 
to  be  diminished  by  the  information,  afforded  by  a  fashion- 
able chronicler,  that — 

"The  LORD  MAYOR  arrived  at  the  Palace  in 'his  State  Coach, 
drawn  by  aix  horses." 

A  six-horse  power  apparently  required  to  convey  the 
Chief  Magistrate  of  the  City  of  London,  is  calculated  to 
impress  the  foreign,  and  even  the  native  miud  with  an 
awful  notion  of  the  enormous  bulk  and  astounding  pon- 
derousness  of  the  civic  monarch. 


THE  SOCIAL  TREAD-MILL.    No.  9. 

"  I  HAVE  often  wondered  what  sin  the  late  DUKE  OF  CAMBRIDGE 
could  have  committed  in  any  of  his  earlier  phases  of  existence  to  have 
been  condemned,  while  in  the.,  flesh  under  his  last  title,  to  preside  at 
so  many  public  dinners. 

"  This  social  punishment— the  public  dinner— is,  I  believe,  peculiar 
to  this  island.  An  attempt  was  made  to  introduce  it  into  Prance, 
which  ended,  as  might  have  been  expected,  in  a  revolution.  Yes— the 
Provisional  Government  of  1848  was  installed  in  consequence  of  the 
public  dinners — '  les  Banquets?  as  they  were  called — organised  by  the 
Parliamentary  Reformers  of  Paris.  You  may  tell  me  the  revolution 
broke  out  because  the  public  dinners  were  not  allowed  to  take  place. 
I  will  not  quibble  with  you  about  a  word  of  three  letters.  But  I 
know  how  history  is  written;  and  I  know— do  I  not  know?— the 
miseries  of  a  public  dinner. 

"  You  admit  a  connection  between  the  public  dinner  and  the  Revo- 
lution of  1848.  Very  well,  then.  I  assume  that  the  French  are  at 
once  a  social  and  a  gastronomic  race.  I  can  understand  such  a  race 
rising  as  one  man  against  the  attempt  to  thrust  a  public  dinner  down 
their  throats.  But  I  cannot  imagine  their  upsetting  the  Government 
which  protected  them  from  the  infliction.  I  go  on  probabilities,  which 
to  me  are  proofs,  for  they  rest  upon  the  eternal  nature  of  things. 
I  still  believe  the  rising  [of  Paris  in  184S  was  against  the  'attempt 
to  introduce  the  punishment  of  the  public  dinner,  and  that,  in  the 
confusion,  the  Provisional  Government  somehow  got  flung  to  the 
surface,  and  staid  there  till  further  orders. 

"  Prisoners,  under  tyranny  and  long-continued  torture,  have  some- 
times risen,  brained  their  gaolers  with  their  handcuffs,  and  either 
broken  prison,  or  been  shot  down,  sullenly,  in  unappeascd  revolt. 
1  wonder  why  we,  who  are  condemned,  most  of  us,  to  public 
dinners  in  perpetuity,  do  not,  some  day,  rise  at  the  Freemasons'  Tavern, 
or  the  Albion,  beat  out  the  brains  of  the  landlord  and  waiters,  strangle 
the  stewards,  choke  the  glee-singers  with  the  pastry,  and  tear  that 
TOOLE  of  tyranny,  the  toastmaster,  limb  from  limb. 


"I  think  we  shall  hear  of  these  things  happening  some  day — and 
then  the  site  of  the  Freemasons'  Tavern  will  be  what  the  site  of  the 
Bastile  is  now.  There  will  be  a  column  erected  to  the  memory  of 
those  citizens  who  arose  and  plucked  down  an  odious  tyranny.  Those 
who  had  long  groaned  under  public  dinners  will  come  annually  and 
deposit  wreaths  of  immortelles  on  the  base  of  the  column. 

"I  am  willing  to  guide  the  movement.  I  demand  the  head  of 
TOOLE  !  I  refuse  to  be  any  more  treated  as  a  social  vassal,  '  taitteable 


J.    I  1L1  tCJLQ   j    V^itl  IVO   }     TT  i\A.\J  VV  O    j   Wl  JJllCHIO    ,     k_Miv;>.   ijitA'-'JVii.if^     ijujo,   .A.AMMQW     vuj  u   j 

Climbing  boys'  or  any  other  kind  of  boys'  Aid  Societies ;  by  Young- 
men's,  Old  men's,  Middleaged  mens',  Bargemens',  Market-Gardeners', 
or  any  other  Mutual  Instruction  Associations !  By  Funds,  Literary, 
Dramatic,  Musical,  or  Equestrian ;  by  Scotch  Widows ;  by  Decayed 
or  Shipwrecked  Mariners;  by  Foreigners  in  distress;  by  Distressed 
Needlewomen  ;  by  Oppressed  Dress-makers ;  by  Intending  Emigrants ; 
by  Club-footed  persons,  or  those  afflicted  with  Spinal  Disorders,  or 
Ophl  halmia ;  by  Invalid  Gentlewomen,  or  Sick  Children,  or  Incurables  ; 
by  Licensed  yictuallers,>Biitchers,  and  Bakers.  I  fling  all "  the  objects  of 
this  association"  to  the  wind.  1  will  not  be  a  steward  though  tempted 
by  a  dinner-card  gratis  :  I  will  not  put  down  my  name  for  a  handsome 
donation,  though  quite  aware  that  I  never  shall  be  asked  to  pay  up :  I 
will  cut  my  tongue  out  rather  than  acknowledge  a  toast :  I  will  mount 
the  scaffold  sooner  than  the  chair ;  and  I  will  perish  before  I  pay  for  a 
ticket.  I  am  ready  to  enroll  members  in  an  Anti-Public  Dinner  Asso- 
ciation, the  foundation  of  which  shall  be  celebrated  by  a  public 

Good  gracious  !— How  difficult  it  is  to  shake  off  the  habits  of  the 
prison-house !  Men  who  have  long  worn  fetters  will  ever  after,  we 
know,  walk  as  if  the  iron  was  still  about  their  ancles. 

"  I  and  my  association  were  on  the  verge  of  self-destruction,  about 

i  to  be  rendered  up  again  by  this  hand  of  mine  to  the  tough  mercies  of 

MESSRS.  BATHE  and  BREACH,  and  the  tortures  of  TOOLE  !    Not  that 

the  tyranny  of  these  men  is  ever  openly  protested  against.  _  There  is 

either  a  hollow  submission  to  it,  or  a  callous  courting  of  it,  and  an 


JULY  4,  1857.] 


ri:NCH,_OR_THK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


cxultat  ion  under  if  like  that  of  French  galerient  singing  in  their  chaine. 
^  MIT  than  to  sec  u  in.  nsible  to  his 

' 


. 
'I'"  I"  ""'  JOBS  111  i.i.  talk,  you  would  imagine  he  looked  upon 

as  a  privilege  and  not  as  a  pi 

'  U  e  Knirlish'  —  he  will  tell  some  pom  -renting,  smiling, 

galvanic  foreigner,  who  hows  affirmative*  to  .  •<  'nee  before  it 

is  well  spoken    •'  U  r    I  cold—  shy—  still';  but  at  bottom  we 

people,  Mosoo.  We  can  do  nothing  without  a  dinner. 
\\hen  our  hearts  are  wanned  with  a  good  meal  and  a  social  glass  of 
wine,  Mo-oo,  —  "Gad  —  we  are  the  beat  company  in  the  world—  can't 
re  I'n  .-c  each  other  anything;  —  we  are  full  of  enthusiasm.  Sir,  -ninnim: 
over  with  Imally  and  brotherly  love;—  we  think  nothing,  \Iosoo,  of 
collecting  a  thousand  pounds  in  the  room  while  the  singing  's 
going  on.' 

"  And  the  foreigner  is  amazed  at  the  'force  cl'  agglomeration  sociale' 
Knglish,  and  goes  home  and  tries  to  :  .•  public 

><!  Governini  i  9  in  the  attempt. 

''How  should  we  like  to  see  introduced  among  us  those  Chinese 
punishment*,  of  which  sneh  agreeable  representations  have  been 
figuring  of  late  in  the  cheap  print-shop  windows,  of  people  being  sawn 
to  death  planks,  planted  up  to  the  neck  in  the  ground  to 

starve,  with  food   anil  drink  just  out  of  reach  of  the  lips,  and  so 
forth? 

"  I  look  on  the  introduction  of  the  public  dinner  into  any  country 
where  it  is  unknown,  in  much  the  same  light  as  1  should  the  extension 
to  our  e  i  em  of  these  p.-nal  refinements  of  the  Celestial  Empire. 

When  I  hear  a  brother  BULL  cramming  such  statements  as  are  above 
written  into  foreign  ears,  I  blush  for  inv  species. 

*'  "C1,,.,.  ..   i..   i    ...          ___  i  _____  1    ___  i.   .    :       •  /i 


that  infliction,  and  ready  to  join  in  any  attempt  to  put  it  down.  Unless 

indeed  h  at  the  moment,  to  have  been  sentenced  as  a  Steward 

with  the  aggravation  of  a  list  to  make  up— added,  as  they  add  .'private 

whippings  to  a  term  of  imprisonment,  sometimes — or — still  worse — 

•  Chair,  with  hard  labour  at  the  toasts.    In  such 

id  of  responding  to  one's  ovyn  impatience,  men  will  en- 

to  draw  one  on  into  participation  in  their  punishment— as 

Com  ids  are  always  found  anxious  to  do. 

'  lint   with  foreigners  it  is  not  uncommon  to  hear  the  tone  taken 
which  I  have  described  above. 

"Now  the  man  who  talks  thus,  knows  as  well  as  you  or  I,  that  it  is 

all  humbug;  that,  there  is  no  sociality  in  the  public  dinner;  no  real 

kindliness  of  heart  engendered  by  it ;  no  wholesome  and  blessed  charity 

set  flowing  by  its  aid;  that, the  speeches,  spoken  at  it  are  tissues  of 

TV  ;  that  its  enthusiasm  is  as  evanescent  and 

spurious  as  the  bead  in  its  gooseberry  champagne  ;  that  its  brotherhood 
is  maudlin  ;  its  philanthropy  a  sham;  its  music,  generally,  the  grossest 
form  of  the  art;  its  cookery  and  its  wine  frequently  abominable; 
miering,  incoherent  imbecility,  or  fluent  balderdash. 
In  short,  if  1  were  asked  to  sum  into  the  briefest  expression  the 
spirit  ol  the  Public  Dinner,  I  know  of  no  better  words  than  'SHAM 
and  SNOBBISHNESS.'  " 


UNCONTROLLABLE  BEINGS. 

AN  Hon.  Member,  whose  name  we  are  sorry  our  memory  cannot 
rate,  said  on  the  debate  relating  to  the  expense  and  non-completion 
(asm  being  equally  endless)  of  the  Houses  of  Parliament  :— 

nny  time  to  control  an  architect,  but  SIR  CHARLES  BABHY 
peculiarity  every  other  member  of  his  profession  1 " 

•nient  must,  be  weak,  indeed,  when  it  can  no  longer  control  its 

Is  SIR  CHARLES  such  a  very  uncontrollable  being  that 

there  arc  no  powers  that  will  touch  him?    The  best  plan  of  control, 

y,  is  to  stop  the  supplies.    If  SIR  CHARLES  had  not  been  paid 

anything  until  the  Houses  were  finished,  we  have  an  idea  that  their 

ompletiou  would  have  been  celebrated  with  a  dinner  and  a  title  years 

ago.    An  architect  has  been  compared  to  the  dry-rot—once  inside  the 

house,  the  one  is  as  difficult  as  the  other  to  get  out  again.    But  when 

>on  keep  paying  your  architect  -at  first,  it  is  a  fixed  sum ;  then  he  is 

i  have  three  per  cent.;  next  his  commission  is  enlarged  to  four  per 

ml  alter  that  he  is  to  receive  an  additional  sum  for  casualties 

-so  long  as  these  payments  go  on,  it  seems  to  us  that  you  hit  upon 

the  very  best  form  of  invitation  to  induce  him  to  remain  inside  your 

'"se.    £s  long  as  you  lecd  him  with  means,  so  long  will  he  go  on 

budding    like  bricks  "    SLR  ROBERT  PEEL  could  not  state  the  case 

liner.    But  stop  the  supplies— not  one  penny  more  until  all  the 

rk  is  done- and  we  have  a  shrewd  suspicion  that  you  will  very 

quickly  bring  SIB  CHARLES  BAXRY  under  the  most  plastic  control. 


.',  or  swell,  inquired  of  his  audience, 

i-      „  I1    i  I  1   \  *ll  J.    •         • 

they  not 


SYDENHAM    STATISTICS. 

i  K!)    I)!.  KING    THE   LATE   HANDEL  FESTIVAL. 

ORE  than  ten  thousand  sighs  were 
breathed  by  ladies  who  came  down 
by  i  i  heir  regret  that  trains 

could  not  yet  be  run  into  Si . 
Palace  as  easily  and  safely  as  the} 
were  into  the  Crystal  Palace. 

No  less    than    nineteen   hundret 
nervous  people  took  beforehand  the 
precaution  to  stuff  cotton  in  their 
r  fear  their  drums  might  In 
>d  .by  .the  beating  of  the  big 
one. 

Fifty-live  Teetotallers  were  de- 
tected drinking  Sherry  in  the  pauses  of  performance, 
seventeen  of  whom  had  the  presence  of  mind  to 
allege  as  their  excuse,  that  Sherry  was  the  only 
liquid  handed  round  to  them,  and  eleven  of  these 
added,  to  extenuate  themsei  r,  that  such 

iieir  excited  state,  it  t;i  ke  water. 

Sixteen  most  ui  i  en  were  in- 

duced by  contemplation  of  the  crowds  at  the  re- 
freshment counters,  to  remark,  that  if  music  be  the 
food  of  love,  it  seemed  plainly  inducive  of  the  love  of  food. 
Three  y  waiters  were  threatened  with  i  by  the 

nl  M  n.  S  r.u'LE.s,  because  during  the  performance  their  shoes  were 
heard  to  er 

f  t  wo  thousand  and  twelve  country  cousins  were  facetiously 
informed  by  their  London  relations  of  the  far  great  tanks 

which  they  saw  upon  the  water  towers  were  filled  with  ale  and  stout 
for  ihe  consumption  of  the  chorus;  and  learnt  also  from  the  same 
reliable  authorities,  that  the  sandwiches  were  cut  anil  niustarded  by 
i  ud  that  the  contract  to  supply  them  had  been  let  out  by  the 
~re. 

vs  than  ninety-nine  ladies  would  have  fainted  with  the  heat, 
but  that  they  would  thereby  have  missed  some  of  the  music. 

Above  live  hundred  liabitues  of  both  London  and  provincial  Concerts 
nobly  proU'ercd  their  gratuitous  services  to  the  Committee,  to  act  as 
Special  Constables  for  the  preservation  of  the  peace,  and  to  prevent  it 
being  broken  by  the  swindlers  of  encores. 

Nearly  forty  thousand  hopes  were  expressed,  either  during  or  after 
the  performances,  that  their  success  might  be  such  as  to  ensure  their 
repetition,  and  that  the  hopers  might  have  all  their  absent  friends  then 
present  with  them. 

Thirteen  strict  Vegetarians  have  since  privately  confessed  in  confi- 
dential conversation,  that  they  were  reduced  by  the  exigencies  of  their 
appetite  to  eat  of  lobster  salad  without  picking  out  the  lobster. 

Precisely  six  hundred  and  sixty-six  engaged  couples  skilfully  con- 
trived to  get  separated  from  their  party  almost  directly  at  the  close  of 
the  performance,  and  when  stumbled  upon  afterwards  (of  course  in  the 
remotest  corner  of  the  grounds),  eleven-twelfths  of  them  exclaimed 
"  O,  we  "ve  been  hunting  for  you  everywhere  !  " 

Seventeen  wags  connected  with  tne  press  were  so  charmed  with 
ME.  SECRETARY  GROVE'S  plain-spoken  ness,  that  they  declared,  what- 
cM'r  Mere  his  family,  he  clearly  was  not  one  of  the  Groves  of  Blarney. 
— (N.B.  This  is  intended  for  a  great  compliment,  MR.  GROVE.) 

Upwards  of  twelve  thousand  pairs  of  gloves  were  split,  and  nearly 
nineteen  hundred  hats  were  beaten  in  at  the  conclusion  of  the  Festival, 
in  the  excitement  of  the  cheer  which  was  raised  for  Mu.  COSTA. 

Over  the  sunshine  of  the  pleasure  of  the  forty  thousand  listeners 
there  was  thrown  with  all  but  three  of  them  a  shadow  of  regret  that 
HANDEL  had  not  lived  to  hear  his  music  done  such  justice  to  as  they 
felt  quite  sure  it  never  had  before  been. 


acre. 


Facts  that  are  Much  Stranger  than  Fiction. 

THAT  FRED.  PEEL  is  not  in  the  Ministry,  and  yet  England  still 
maintains  her  position  amongst  nations ! 

'That  an  opening  for  darting  into  print  ever  could  occur  without  one 
ot  the  NAFIKK.S  rushing  madly  int9  it! 

That  the  English  would  persist  in  remaining  in  the  Crimea,  when  it 
was  evident  that  the  French,  as  they  candidly  tell  you,  did  all  the 
work,  and  won  all  the  battles ! 


Charity  in  the  Church. 

CARDINAL  ViAt.E-PRELi  is  literally  "clothing  the  naked"  at  Bo- 
logna—only it  is  the  statues,  instead  of  the  paupers.  Tliis  is  considered 
quite  a  characteristic  act  of  Prela-tic  charity,  illustrating  the  only  form 
:_i ln  at  tn^  momenj  |,e  ^^  JQ  |je  indmjej  among 


10 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  4,  1857. 


FLUNKEIANA. 

flush  Adonis.   "  I  SHOULD   OBSERVE,  MY  LADY, — THAT  IF  YOU  ENGAGED  ME,  I 

SHOULD  REQUIRE  TO  BE  SlX  MONTHS  AT  LEAST  IN  TOWN,  IK  A  GOOD  NEIGHBOUR- 
HOOD,— AND  THAT  IF  YOU  SHOULD  AT  ANY  TlME  LlVE  NORTH  OF  THE  NEW  ROAD, 
I  SHOULD  EXPECT  FIVE  GUINEAS  PER  ANNUM  INCREASE  OP  SALARY!"  [Fact.] 


HEN  CUCKOOS. 

USEFUL  lessons  may  in  some  cases  be  learned  from  the 
inferior  creatures,  but  some  of  them  set  bad  examples. 
The  Cuckoo,  for  instance,  sets  an  example  which  ought  to 
be  avoided,  and  not  imitated,  by  mothers.  The  Cuckoo 
puts  out  its  eggs  to  hatch,  and  consequently  its  young  to 
rear,  by  another  bird;  and  this  conduct  is  copied,  with  a 
difference  for  the  worse,  by  ladies  who  put  their  children 
out  to  wet-nurse,  or  who  have  them  wet-nursed  at  all. 
The  Monthly  Paper  of  the  Londo//  Society  for  the  Protection 
of  Young  Females  contains  a  few  sensible  "  Words  to 
Mothers,"  of  which  the  intention  is  to  show  in  what 
manner  the  practice  of  wet-nursing  interferes  with  the 
object  of  that  Society.  They  briefly  demonstrate  that  the 
practice  in  question  is  one  of  the  causes  of  our  greatest 
social  evil.  The  writer  makes  the  following  emphatic 
remark : — 

"  I  will  point  to  the  custom  r.f  hiring  iret-mtrse*  as  a  great  evil  iu  this 
direction,  considering  that  a  certain  class  of  young  women  are  gene- 
rally preferred  for  that  office.  A  barrier  is  thus  removed  which  might 
have  stayed  their  downfitl.  I  mean  the  loss  of  character  and  service." 

The  only  proper  persons  for  wet-nurses  are  young 
mothers  who  have  lost  their  own  infants.  The  number  of 
these  is  sufficient  to  meet  the  natural  demand  for  hired 
mothers.  The  demand  that  produces  a  greater  supply  pro- 
duces a  bad  supply.  If  the  hireling  is  a  socially  respect- 
able person,  her  employment  to  nourish  the  child  of 
another  involves  a  wrong  to  her  own.  The  baby  of  the 
wet-nurse  is  starved,  as  the  young  hedge-sparrow  is  thrown 
over.  But  there  are  other  reasons  why  ladies  should  eschew 
cuckooism.  The  grub,  or  worm,  which  the  hedge-sparrow 
administers  to  the  young  cuckoo  is  simple  nutriment. 
Does  not  living  milk  impart  something  else  ? — may  it  not 
communicate  moral  and  physical,  or  immoral  and  morbid, 
peculiarities  ?  This  consideration  will  perhaps  induce  all 
ladies  who  possibly  can,  to  nurse  their  own  babies,  and  all 
those  who  are  unable,  to  make  particularly  sure  of  the 
health  and  purity  of  the  rented  breast. 


Notions  of  Beauty. 

Cook  *  (on  area-steps — to  another  Cook).  "  PUT  on  your 
bonnet,  SUSAN,  dear,  and  let  us  run.  to  the  Park.  The 
QUEEN  is  to  be  there,  and  I  "m  told  the  effect  will  be  most 
beautiful.  There  are  to  be  from  three  to  four  thousand 
Policemen  on  the  ground!" 

*  A  highly-polished  Cook,  withiu  scent  of  Grosvenor  Square. 


VICKEKS  OP  SOUTHWARK. 

ONCE  more  the  Editor  of  the  Morning  Advertiser  launches  a  thunder- 
bolt, arid  once  more  a  proud  and  haughty  institution  goes  to  the 
ground  before  the  stroke  of  JUPITER  BEERIUS.  A  person  of  the  name 
of  "JOHN  VICKEBS  of  Southwark,"  has  been  blackballed  at  the 
Reform  Club,  and  he  instantly  writes  off  in  fury  to  _  the  Advertiser 
(after  the  manner  of  gentlemen,  when  their  desire  to  join  a  society  of 
other  gentlemen  is  for  the  moment  ungratified)  proclaiming  the  fact, 
and  declaring  that  he  owes  his  rejection  to  the  fact,  that  he  is  a 
Protestant;  who  has  been  sacrificed  to  the  bigotry  of  the  Roman 
Catholic  members  of  the  Club.  The  Editor  immediately  takes  up  the 
cause  of  JOHN  VICKEKS  of  Southwark,  and  between  them,  and  in 
large  editorial  type,  they  chant  a  fiery  duet. 

VICKEKS  declares  that  he  is  defeated  by  "  that  un-English  system, 
the  ballot."  The  Editor,  forgetting  that  the  paper  goes  in  for  the 
ballot-box,  endorses  the  complaint.  VICKEUK  demands,  "whether  an 
Enplish  gentleman  is  to  suffer  for  being  a  liberal  ?"  No,  says  the 
Editor,  aud  we  will  have  "  a  new  Reform  Club,  really  representing  the 
views  of  the  liberals,  and  expressly  excluding  Roman  Catholics  from 
membership."  "I'll  put  down  a  hundred  guineas,"  says  VICKEBS. 
"  That  is  a  princely  pecuniary  donation  "  says  the  Editor.  "Let  not 
the  hateful  name  of  blackballing  be  heard  within  our  walls,"  says 
VICKERS.  "  The  system  has  been  carried  to  such  an  extent  that  men 


letter  will  do  great  good,"  says  the  Editor.  Arid  so  they  go  on  agree- 
ing, with  a  sweetness  and  brotherly  accord  that  quite  brings  the  tears 
into  one's  eyes. 

There  are  only  two  little  points  that  occur  to  Mr.  Punch  in  reference 
to  this  afflicting  matter.  Somehow,  we  find  it  difficult  to  believe  with 
VICKERS  that  he  was  rejected  because  he  was  a  Protestant,  or  with 
the  Editor,  that  "  no  man  who  has  identified  himself  with  the  cause  of 


Protestantism  has  the  slightest  chance  of  election."  Mr.  Punch 
happens  to  be  able  to  name  two  gentlemen  (who  have  unfortunately 
ceased  from  among  us),  both  of  whom  had  in  any  one  week  of  their 
lives  rendered  more  service  to  Protestantism  and  manifested  more 
active  and  damaging  hostility  to  the  objectionable  portions  of  the 
Catholic  faith  and  practice  than  any  noisy  Southwark  spouter  in  the 
whole  course  of  his  career.  Yet  both  were  elected  into  the  Reform 
Club.  The  gentlemen  of  that  association  would  seem  to  be  guided  by 
other  rules-than  actuate  those  who  would  "  expressly  exclude  "  men 
on  account  of  their  creed. 

But— we  are  almost  afraid  to  put  the  suggestion,  considering  whose 
wrath  we  provoke — but,  come,  the  wearer  of  the  Victoria  Cross  must 
not  be  timid— now  then.  Mr.  Punch  never  heard  of  VICKEHS  of 
Southwark,  until  reading  the  waked  wrath  of  the  Tizer.  But,  on 
inquiry,  he  is  told— he  knows  not  with  how  much  truth — that  the  said 
VICKERS  of  Southwark,  doubtless  a  highly  respectable  man  and 
Protestant,  is  a  maker  of  gin.  Is  it  possible  that  the  haughty  aristo- 
crats of  Pall  Mall  did  not  desire  the  society  of  a  gin-maker  in  their 
stately  saloons,  and  that  it  was  not  his  Protestantism,  but  his  Gin, 
that  shut  out  VICK.EES  of  Southwark.  However,  it  was  a  bad  day 
for  the  Reform  Club  when  the  Advertiser  swore  to  put  it  down,  and 
its  humiliation  will  be  complete  if,  when  the  members  are  expelled, 
the  vengeful  and  victorious  VICKERS  shall  turn  it  into  a  Gin-palace, 
aud  engage  MB.  COPPOCK  as  barman. 


THE  MOTHER'S  LESSON. 

Daughter.  Ma,  dear,  what  is  "Capillary  Attraction?" 
Mother.  Running,  my  pet,  after  a  heir  of  £10,000  a-year. 


SANITARY  INTELLIGENCE. 

A  VENERABLE  Matron  of  the  GAMP  School  has  addressed  to  us  an 
appeal,  complaining  of  the  cost  of  constructing  Harbours  of  Refuge, 
by  which  term  she  apparently  means  sewers. 


Primedby  William  BriKllmt.v,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  M»w,  and  Frederick  Mullet!  Erana,  of  No.  19,  Ou«u'«  Road  Weit,  Rfrem'a  Part,  bolh  in  Ihe  Pari»h  of  Si.  Pancra*.  in  tlii  County  of  Mi*H™e*. 
Lo»So"-'siiu«LiT°iJullll4I'°£'-*"1  St'Mtl  '"  tbt  r'"inct  of  w>"t«f:liM,  >»  »!«  City  of  London,  »nd  rubli.hed  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street.  In  the    Paiisu  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  ol 


JULY  11,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


11 


THE    OLD,    OLD    BIRD. 


APPROACHING  MARTYRDOMS. 

WE  have  the  best  authority  for  statin?  (hut 
more  than  one  mil  re  will  in  all  probability  be 
shortly  at  the  disposal  of  the  Government .  A 

Srotest  has  been  entered  against  the  Dhoree 
ill,   and   among  the  di  we  lind   the 

names  of  S.  Oxox  and  \V.  K.  SAIILM.  The 
reasons  assigned  for  dissent  are,  chiefly,  that  the 
sanction  given  by  the  Hill  to  the  re-marriage  of 
a  divorced  wife  or  husband,  during  the  lifetime 
|  of  both  parties,  is  forbidden  by  the  Bible,  and  in 
:  "direct  contradiction  to  the  plain  teaching"  of 
Christianity;  and  that  the  Hill  will  cause  the 
clergy  of  the  Church  of  England  to  pronounce 
a.  divine  blessing  on  unions  which  they  belie\e 
to  be  condemned  by  Holy  Writ,  and  which  are 
inoonnstenl  with  the  language  itself  of  that  very 
ble.iMii<r.  Unless,  then,  the  Commons  throw  out 
the  Bill,  there  is  no  choice  for  OXON  and 
but  to  throw  up  their  mitres,  after  the  tre- 
mendous protest  which  they  have  made  against 
it.  CANT.,  who  has  expressed  similar  sentiments, 
may  be  expected  to  resign  too.  Some  indeed 
think  that  he  is  more  likely  to  resign  than  OXON, 
who,  for  all  his  protest,  can  hardly  be  expected 
to  be  a  Protestant  martyr,  being,  in  fact,  not 
much  of  a  Protestant. 


"  SPOILED  FIVE."—"  The  most  unpleasant 
form  of  Note  and  Query,"  says  an  intelligent  but 
impenitent  Ticket-of-leave  man  of  our  acquaint- 
ance, "  is,  when  you  are  trying  to  obtain  change 
for  a  Fiver,  and  a  policeman  demands  where 
you  got  it." 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 


June  29,  Monday.  The  bad  news  from  India  brought  up  speakers  in 
both  Houses,  but  nothing,  of  course,  could  be  said  by  the  Govern- 
ment, except  that  it  had  every  confidence  in  the  Indian  authorities, 
The  mail  next  week  will  show  how  far  that  confidence  is  merited. 

In  the  Lords  the  EARL  OP  DONOUGHMORE  made  grievous  grumbling 
about  a  smart  article  published  by  the  Examiner,  touching  an  Irish 
bishop  called  LORD  PLUNKETT,  who  had  opposed  the  Ministers'  Money 
Abolition  Bill.  The  Earl  wanted  the  publisher  called  to  the  bar. 
LOUD  (iiuxviLLE,  on  behalf  of  Government,  opposed  such  a  process, 
and  said  that  the  motion  of  the  noble  lord  would  involve  the  House 
in  proceedings  that  might  be  endless,  and  that  THE  LORDS  WOULD 

FIND     THEMSELVES    IN    A    PERMANENT    CONFLICT    WITH     THAT     VERY 

AMUSING  PUBLICATION,  Punch."  The  general  good  sense  of  the  Lord 
President  induces  Mr.  Punch  to  overlook  the  levity  with  which  his 
lordship  alluded  to  the  possibility  of  the  most  awful  collision  con- 
ceivable in  British  history.  As  for  the  conflict  being  permanent,  it 
would  be  about  as  permanent  as  a  conflict  between  a  locomotive 
engine,  running  sixty  miles  per  hour,  and  a  string  of  empty  trucks 
upon  the  line.  Were  Mr.  Punch  but  to  declare  his  intention  of  making 
war  upon  the  Lords,  the  Times  would  again  come  out  with  the  single 
sentence  that  did  duty  for  a  leading  article  when  their  lordships  rejected 
the  Reform  Bill,  "  WHO  CAN  SAY  THAT  WHEN  WE  NEXT  PUBLISH, 

TIIEHE   WILL  BK  A  HOUSE   OP  LORDS."      The  DONOUGHMORE  folly  W8S 

trodden  out  by  the  Peers  in  all  indignation  and  some  little  terror. 

In  the  Commons  there  was  a  discussion  whether  the  Government 
ought  to  job  with  the  funds  of  the  Savings'  Banks,  and  there  was  also  a 
snmowhatanmsingdebateonthe  vote  of  about  £50,000  fortheDepartment  j 
of  Science  and  Art,  in  the  course  of  which  the  new  museum  in  Brompton 
Boilers  was  rather  unceremoniously  handled.  There  is  no  doubt, 
however,  that  it  is  a  valuable,  though  miscellaneous  collection,  and  its 
being  open  to  the  working  classes  on  two  evenings  in  the  week  is  an 
excellent,  feature  in  the  arrangement.  The  Election  Petitions  Bill, ' 
intended  to  prevent  some  of  the  trickery  which  enriches  Parliamentary 
agents,  and  scandalises  everybody  else,  was  read  a  second  time,  but 
will  be  marvellously  manipulated  before  it  is  allowed  to  pass. 

Tuesday.  France  has  a  scheme  for  supplying  the  deficiency  of  negro 
labour  in  the  French  colonies  by  the  importation  of  free  negroes,  and 
our  own  West  India  interest  desires  that  our  Government  should  adopt 
the  plan.  LORD  PALMERSTON  is  thought  to  favour  the  project,  but  as  it 
is  held  by  many  persons  to  be  merely  a  device  for  working  the  slave 
trade  under  another  name,  great  and  reasonable  jealousy  is  felt  upon 
the  subject.  The  Oxford  University  Bill  was  read  a  second  time  by 
the  Lords,  who  also  discussed  the  hardship  of  the  law  that  transported 
an  Irishman  back  to  his  country  when  his  powers  of  labour  here  are  ex- 


hausted,  and  he  becomes  a  pauper.  The  ATTORNEY-GENERAL  announced 
that  he  meant  to  bring  in  a  Bill  on  the  Registration  of  Titles,  but  it 
was  not  to  be  passed,  only  to  be  considered,  which  may  be  considered 
a  very  mild  and  harmless  style  of  legislation,  and  one  on  which  SIR 
F.  THESIGER  is  quite  prepared  to  deal  with  the  claims  of  the  Jews,  and 
the  BISHOP  OF  EXETER  to  treat  the  subject  of  Divorce. 

MR.  HENRY  BERKELEY  then  brought  on  his  Ballot  motion,  offering 
to  withdraw  it  if  Government  would  promise  that  the  ballot  should  be 
part  of  the  new  Reform  Bill.  The  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER 

began  a  reply  by  saying,  "  If  my  hon.  friend  is  really  serious -"  and 

as  this  was  rightly  supposed  to  be  the  exordium  of  an  anti-ballot 
speech,  MR.  BERKELEY  went  on.  Later,  SIR  GEORGE,  at  greater 
length,  intimated  that  Government  did  not  believe  in  the  ballot,  and 
LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL,  suspected  of  having  a  private  Reform  Bill  about 
him,  hastened  also  to  declare  his  antipathy  to  secret  voting.  On 
division,  MR.  BERKELEY  was  beaten  by  257  to  189. 

The  Civil  Service  then  had  its  innings,  LORD  NAAS  very  ably  stating 
the  swindle  of  the  Superannuation  System,  under  which  the  CHAN- 
CELLOR. OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  is  permitted  to  rob  the  family  of  any 
unhappy  civil  servant  who  dies  in  harness,  of  every  shilling  he  has  been 
forced  to  contribute  to  the  fund,  unless  he  has  reached  the  precise  old 
age  at  which  his  allowance  begins ;  a  system  which  is  also  in  other 
ways  most  unfair  and  oppressive  to  the  enormous  body  of  talented  and 
valuable  men  who  do  the  work  of  the  country.  SIR.  G.  LEWIS 
admitted  a  good  deal  of  its  badness,  but  did  not  see  how  to  alter  it- 
actuaries  are,  however,  he  said,  inquiring  into  the  matter.  Mr.  Punch 
is  by  no  means  sure  that  a  Central  Criminal  Court  may  not  forestal 
the  actuaries,  under  SIR  R.  BETHELL'S  new  act ;  for  if  the  system 
be  not  a  fraud  on  a  trust  fund,  Mr.  Punch  docs  not  know  what  a 
fraud  is. 

Wednesday.  The  Medical  Profession  Bills  occupied  the  attention  of 
the  Commons,  and  there  was  a  good  deal  of  abuse  of  the  doctors,  the 
facetious  TOM  DUNCOMBE  uttering  some  smart  clap-trap,  tending  to 
show  that  there  is  no  difference  between  the  bigotry  that  opposes  all 
innovation,  and  the  wholesome  police  that  interposes  between  a  mis- 
chievous quack  and  his  ignorant  victims.  MR.  HEADLAM'S  Bill  was 
read  a  second  time  by  a  large  majority,  225  to  78. 

Thursday.  LORD  REDESDALE'S  ridiculous  little  measure,  to  be 
tacked  to  the  Divorce  Bill,  and  proposing  to  refuse  the  marriage  rite 
to  those  who  have  been  divorced,  arm,  on  account  of  the  alleged 
scruples  of  some  half-instructed  priests,  to  make  such  a  union  a  merely 
civil  contract,  was  speedily  thrown  out  by  the  Lords  by  02  to  23. 
Some  of  the  Lords  have  spoiled  a  good  deal  of  nice  paper  by  entering 
protests  against  the  Divorce  Bill,  and  Mr.  Punch  sincerely  hopes  they 
pay  their  own  stationers'  bib's,  and  do  not  waste  the  foolscap  of  the 
nation  on  such  rubbish.  LORD  CAMPBELL  called  upon  the  bishops  to 


12 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JciT  11,  1857. 


attend  next  night,  and  show  their  regard  for  the  morals  of  the 
people,  by  helping  him  with  his  Bill  for  putting  down  Immoral  Pub- 
lications. 

In  the  Commons,  MR.  LOCKE  KING  endeavoured  to  bring  to  an 
untimely  end  I  he  Statute  Law  Commission,  which  really  seems  to  be 
almost  upon  the  point  of  approaching  a  period,  when  it  may  look 
forward,  at  some  future  time,  to  discovering  a  means  by  winch, 
eventually,  pnwss  may  be  attempted  towards  suggestions  for  deve- 
l'iliin  for  consolidating  the  law.  Remote  as  the  chance  may  be, 
the  House  though'  it  ought  not  to  be  destroyed.  A  discussion  on  the 
plans  for  the  Public  Offices  elicited  a  statement  from  SIR  B.  HALL 
that  soi :  for  purifying  the  Thames  was  being  matured.  The 

British  Museum  grant  was  taken,  and  high  honour  was  done  to 
Mu.  |'\M//I  for  hauniT  originated,  and  MR.  SMIRKE  for  having 
carried  out,  the  new  Reading  bloom,  of  which  Mr.  Punch  will  only  say 
that  it  is  an  apartment  almost  worthy  to  be  his  own  private  library, 
and  then  an  acrimonious  and  divertina  discussion  arose  on  the  National 
(J:illerv  Grant,  terminated  by  LORD  PALMEKSTON  giving  the  House  an 
exceedingly  good  wigging,  contrasting  its  meanness  with  the  generosity 
of  the  Manchester  men.  from  whose  Art-Treasury  he  had  just  come 
up.  The  House  was  rebuked,  and  dutifully  voted  the  sums  demanded 
for  buying  a  PAUL  VERONESE  for  £12,000,  and  for  similar  articles  of 
Ittxe. 

Friday.  LORD  BROUGHAM  dilated,  with  much  ability,  upon  a  sub- 
ject on  which  Mil.  1'vxcii  has  frequently  dilated  with  more  ability ; 
namely,  the  fright ful  expense  which  the  lawyers  compel  you  to  incur 
in  any  conveyancing  transaction.  The  CuANCELLORhoped  tobeableto 
do  something  towards  mitigating  the  evil.  LORD  CAMPBELL'S  appeal 
to  the  bishops  would  appear  to  nave  been  one  of  his  accustomed  oits 
of  clap-trap,  as  lie  had  only  to  pass  his  Bill  through  a  formal  stage. 
He  stated  that  he  had  received  hosts  of  solicitations  from  Paterfamili- 
ases  of  all  kinds  to  persevere  with  his  Bill,  but  he  explained  that  he 
had  no  idea  of  interfering  with  the  refined  immoralities  in  literature 


and  art  for  which  LORD  LYNDHURST  had  pleaded- it  was  only  vulgar 
wickedness  that  was  to  be  dealt  with. 

There  has  been  a  perpetual  wrangle  between  the  SOVEREIGN  and  the 
LORD  MAYOR  as  to  the  right  to  the  shores  and  bed  of  the  Thames 
within  the  corporation  limits.  A  BiE  for  settling  this  squabble  is  in 
progress,  the  SOVEREIGN  is  to  have  the  abstract  right,  the  MAYOR  is  to 
have  the  actual  mud,  and  the  profits  are  to  be  divided,  a  third  to  go  to 
the  Crown,  and  the  rest  to  be  expended  by  the  City  in  embanking  and 
improving  the  river.  A  pleasing  little  incident  showed  the  amiability 
of  the  House,  and  how  easily  it  is  amused.  MB.  WILSON,  having  to 
answer  a  question  upon  a  subject  of  importance,  rose,  taking  off  his 
hat,  as  usual.  He  might  have  previously  torn  up  some  letter,  and  a 
few  of  the  scraps  had  remained  in  his  hat,  or  he  might  have  been 
engaged  in  some  amateur  performance  in  which  there  was  a  snow-storm, 
and  fragments  of  the  paper  snow  had  stuck  in  his  hair.  Anyhow,  there 
were  some  bits  of  paper,  and  the  intellectual  House  of  Commons  was 
so  delighted  that  it  roared  in  such  a  way  as  to  render  his  reply 
inaudible.  The  House  voted  a  good  deal  of  money  for  harbours  of  refuge, 
consuls,  and  similar  protective  institutions,  and  the  good  humour  of 
the  evening  was  further  promoted  by  a  very  good  spar  between  LOKD 
PALMERSTON  and  MR.  WHITESIDE,  iu  which  the  nea^ but  audacious 
style  of  fighting  of  the  Viscount  contrasted  well  with  the  viciously 
meant,  but  blundering  blows  of  the  Irishman.  PAM  suggested  that 
WHITESIDE  knew  nothing,  and  WHITESIDE  retorted  that  PAM  pre- 
tended to  know  everything.  PAM  complimented  WHITESIDE  on  his 
power  of  invention,  and  U'HITESIDE  scott'e'd  at  PAM  for  his  power  of 
evasion.  PAM  urged  that,  before  speaking  on  any  subject,  WHITESIDE 
should  try  to  understand  it,  and  WHITESIDE  declined  to  admit  that 
PAM  in  the  least  understood  even  the  question  upon  which  lie  was 
addressing  the  House.  The  point  at  issue  was  whether  a  charge  in 
the  estimates,  for  Chinese  interpreters,  was  justifiable.  Of  course, 
when  the  fight  was  done,  everybody  agreed  that  there  was  nothing  to 
fight  about. 


THE  PLAIN  CROSS  OF  VALOUR. 

HERE  's  Valour's  Cross,  my  men ;  'twill  serve, 

Though  rather  ugly— take  it. 
JOHN  BULL  a  medal  can  deserve, 

But  can't  contrive  to  make  it. 


The  Right  Man  (at  last)  in  the  Ri^ht  Place. 

MINISTERS,  anxious  to  find  some  employment  worthy  of  MR. 
FREDERICK  PEEI,,  have  appointed  him  to  the  congenial  post,  of  Door- 
keepe*.  and  Secretary  of  HER  MAJESTY'S  Circumlocution  Office.  It  is 
surmised  that  the  talents  of  the  honourable  gentleman  will  find 
suitable  development  in  this  office,  for  which  he  is,  both  by  nature 
and  acquirements,  so  admirably  tilted.  For  the  future,  all  petitions, 
addresses,  applications  for  assistance,  wrongs,  grievances,  are  to  be 
forwarded  to  him.  All  deputations,  also,  will  for  the  future  be 
received  solely  by  MR.  FREDERICK  PEEL  :  everything,  in  short,  that 
is  reported  by  Government  to  be  "under  consideration,"  will  be 
referred  specially  to  his  department.  The  Parliamentary  Stationery 
)ifice  lias  received  orders  to  go  on  manufacturing  Red  Tape  "until 
further  notice." 


THE  IRISH  BLESSING  FROM  THE  ALTAR. 

HOLY  FATHER  O'BLARNEY  he  stood  at  the  altar, 
And  delivered  this  sermon  to  DENNIS  O'BROGTJE  : — 

Arrah,  DENNIS,  ye  thief !  vour  desarts  is  the  halter, 
Ye  desarve  to  be  hangecf,  I  say,  DENNIS,  ye  rogue. 

I  '11  larn  ye  to  vote  for  a  heretic  thraitor, 
Disobeying  the  holy  commands  of  your  rjrastc, 

I  '11  spake  the  bad  word  for  your  sowl  to  bT.  PAIER, 
He  shall  slam  Hiven's  door  in  your  foul  face,  ye  baste. 

I  declare  if  the  diyil  himself— may  he  fetch  ye  !— 
Was  to  rise  up  just  now  out  of  this  holy  spot, 

And  to  ask  for  my  vote,  rather  he,  than  the  wretch  ye 
Sowld  your  mane  dirty  sowl  to,  should  have  it,  ye  sot. 

Whoever  gives  DENNIS  a  cup  of  cowld  wather — 
Let  alone  the  potheen— mate  or  dhrink,  bite  or  sup, 

He  will  be  of  his  own  endless  ruin  the  author ; 
The  earth  will  gape  open  and  swallow  him  up. 

Cursed  be  DENNIS  O'BROGUE  in  his  going  and  coming, 
In  undressing  himself,  and  in  putting  on  clothes, 

In  spaehe  and  in  silence,  in  whistling  and  humming, 
In  scratching  his  head  and  in  blowing  his  nose. 

In  waking  or  sleeping,  in  ating  and  dhrinking, 

In  snuffing,  iu  chewing,  or  smoking  a  pipe, 
In  buying  and  selling,  in  nodding  and  winking. 

May  his  praties  all  rot  if  they  get  to  be  ripe ! 

In  dancing  or  kneeling,  in  standing  or  sitting, 

May  that  DENNIS  O'BROGUE,  that  big  blackguard,  be  cursed ! 
In  his  breathing,  and  coughing,  and  sneezing,  and  spitting ! 

May  the  vagabond's  portion  be  hunger  and  thirst ! 

In  smiling  and  sighing,  in  laughing  and  crying, 
May  the  cuise  of  the  Saints  upon  DENNIS  be  hurled ! 

In  swearing  and  lying,  in  living  and  dying, 
Och,  bad  luck  to  ye,  DENNIS,  ye  thief  of  the  world  ! 


Unfounded  Alarm. 

HERE  is  another  illustration  of  the  old  truism,  how  "  Conscience 
makes  cowards  of  us  all."  One  of  the  Directors  of  the  British  Bank, 
who  is  still  at  large,  was  going  into  the  SHEEPSHANKS'  Collection,  at 
Hie  South  Kensington  Museum,  when  he  overheard  an  artist  say  that 
there  were  "six  CONSTABLES  in  the  room."  He  instantly  took  alarm, 
and  ran  away  as  fast  as  he  could.  In  fact,  Lie  one  of  his  own  bills,  we 
believe  he  has  not  stopped  running  yet. 


JULY  11,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


13 


v 


THE    OLD    PRINTER'S    HAVEN. 

joyment  of  tlic  intellectual 
iiro  afforded  by  these  and 
other  pages  is  greatly  enhanced 
by  the  beauty  and  clearness  of 
the  type  which  is  the  vehicle  for 
the  conveyance  of  our  profound, 
|icn:tical,  and  facetious  ideas,  and 
the  like  ideas  of  some  of  our  con- 
temporaries and  predecessors,  to 
the  human  mind.  Wit,  wi 
imaginat  ion, become  reading  made 
by  means  of  line  and  legible 
print.  The  mental  feast  is  served 
in  porcelain  and  silver:  the  intel- 
lectual venison  and  turtle-soup 
are  dished  up  iu  precious  china 
and  choice  plate.  The  green  fat 
is  rendered  refreshing  even  to 
the  eye,  and  the  sense  of  sight 
itself  is  gratified  by  the  graces  of  Alderman's  Walk.  Native  humour 
MO  it  a  visual  charm  like  that  which  the  native  oyster 
acquires  by  being  elegantly  scalloped.  The  art,  however,  which  makes 
things  pleasant  to  the  eye  of  the  reader,  is  unfortunately  apt 
to  wear  oat  that  of  the  artist,  and  the  gratification  afforded  by  nice 
typography  is  purchased  by  t  he  amaurosis  of  pressmen,  and  the  cataract 
of  compositors.  Some  working  Printers,  moreover,  as  well  as  some 
other  people,  live  to  be  old  ana  infirm,  and  few  who  do  attain  to  old 
age  have  been  able  to  provide  for  that  contingency.  Eit  her  their  wages 
have  been  insufficient  for  any  such  provision  ;  or  if  they  have,  iu 
themselves,  barely  sufficed  for  some  such,  the  Income-Tax,  under 
Schedule  1),  lias  run  away  with  the  savings  which  they  might  have 

.1  to  that  end  by  dint  of  extreme  parsimony. 

What  fate,  then,  awaits  the  poor  old  Printer,  who  is  too  much  of  a 
Christian  to  commit  suicide,  and  who  probably  cannot  see  his  way  to 
do  so  if  he  would?  Not,  necessarily,  the  punishment  of  the  Work- 
house— that  punishment,  of  which,  as  of  capital  punishment,  the  object 
is  simply  example.  No :  the  doom  of  the  Woi  khouse ;  the  condem- 
nation of  the  pauper,  condemned  to  imprisonment,  and  degradation  for 
nni  Laving  saved  the  money  which  he  has  been  unable  to  save,  is  not 
the  inevitable  lot  of  superannuated  working  Printers.  There  exists  a 
charitable,  and  not  a  penal,  receptacle  for  them,  or  rather  a  number  of 
receptacles,  called  the  PRINTERS'  ALMSHOUSES  :  an  assemblage  of 
comfortable  abodes  or  asylums  for  deserving  workmen  past  work. 

The  Sixteenth  Annual  Report  of  the  Committee  of  the  PRINTERS' 
ALMSIIOUSE  SOCIETY  lias  lately  been  published  :  and  from  this  docu- 
ment it  will  be  seen  that  the  Society  is  making  the  most,  for  the  comfort 
and  accommodation  of  the  Inmates,  of  very  moderate  means.  For 
instance,  the  Committee  reports  the  circumstance  that  a  pump  is  in 
course  of  erection  for  the  supply  of  the  Institution  from  an  Artesian 
well ;  whence  will  be  effected  an  economy  in  the  article  of  water. 
This  shows  that  economy  is  practised  in  every  element  of  expenditure, 
even  in  the  pure  element,  if  Chemistry  will  pardon  the  expression. 
Wo  will  now  quote  as  much  of  the  Report  as  it  is  necessary  to  quote 
the  portion  of  a  sentence : — 

"  Our  List  of  Annual  Subscriber)  is  not  ao  large  09  could  be  wished." 

All  persons  addicted  to  the  practice  of  charity  are  invited  to  con- 
sider whether  the  above  brief  statement  may  not  suggest  to  them  a 
way  for  indulging  their  besetting  propensity.    To  any  wealthy  indi- 
iho  has  never  tried  the  luxury  of  feeding  the  hungry,  and 
the  naked,  the  PRINTERS'  ALMSHOUSES  may  be  recommended 
as  affording  a  good  case  for  a  first  experiment.  This  may  be  performed 
by  sending  the  Society  any  amount  of  money,  which  will  be  received 
with  rapture  by  the  Treasurer,  Trustees,  Secretary,  any  Member  of 
the  Committee,  or  the  Collector,  MR.  C.  POPE,  14,  Detby  Street, 
King's  Cross,  London.' 


How  to  Ruin  your  Health. 

1st.  Stop  in  bed  late:  2nd.  Eat  hot  suppers;  3rd.  Turn  day  into  night, 
night  into  day;  lth.  Take  no  exercise;  6th.  Always  ride,  when  you 
can  walk;  6th.  Never  mind  about  wet  feet ;  7th.  Have  half-a-dozen 
doctors ;  8th.  Drink  all  the  medicine  they  send  you ;  9th.  Try  every 
new  quack ;  10th.  If  that  doesn't  kill  you,  quack  yourself. 


Till;  15ATTLE  OF  THE  PICTU11KS. 

WHY  here's  the  House  of  Commons,  by  way  of  pleasing  variety, 
On  ELCIIO'S  and  (.'OMXI,  NAM'S  summons,  lunied  Dileii  'y  ; 

Where  tin:  one  with  playful  raillery,  the  other  with  sterner  strictures, 
Falls  foul  of  the  National  Gall  uiagement  and  its  pie 

The  newly-elected  of  Brighton,  stout  aud  strenuous  Wj  I.I.IAJI  (.'• 

HAM, 
res  he '11  throw  a  lighten  "a  certain  high  person's"  cunning 

game, 

le  th"  feeble  witticism)  he  drives  his  German  Vv 'AAI.KN 
With  a  load  of  German  criticism  to  prop  up  each  Unman  bargain. 
Whether  of  a  KKi.i.tK  Collection,  whereof,  Brighton's  stern  truth- 
teller 

Declares,  all  but  a  selection  by  the  Intel's  been  hid  in  the  cellar, 
Or  else  a  GALVAGNA  tieasnre,  on  which  HKRII  MCxnmi  liluin!' 
And  for  fifteen   daubs  with  pleasure  forked  out  two  thousand  five 

hundred; 

All  to  bag  one  fish  in  the  haul— the  GIAN  BELLINI  Madonna— 
Which  is  no  GIAN  BELLINI  at  all,  MR.  CONINGHAM  vouches  his 

honour. 
Then  there 's   ELCIIO,  better  known   as   late   HON'RABLE   FEAMK 

CIIAKTEIUS. 

\  Connoisseur  full-blown,  who  to  EASTLAKE  a  perfect  Tartar  is, 
Who    puts    spokes    in    WAAUES'S   wheel,   and    assails   poor    agent 

IDUB,— 
With  that  stress  on  the  dotted  "  u "  which  makes  the  name  rhyme  to 

"  swindler,"— 

Declaring  of  English  Art-wonders  that  MUNDLER  is  the  greatest, 
And  that  all  one  can  say  of  his  blunders  is,  the  worst  is  always  the  latest. 
That  his  presence  drives  up  art-treasures,  as  a  hot  hand  does  a  ther- 
mometer, 

To  a  price  beyond  all  measures,  save  of  JOHN  BULL'S  purse-pedometer. 
Aud  that,  when  he  comes  in  a  place  he's  straight  sucked  in  the 

feelers 

Laid  out  for  him  by  the  nice  of  polypus  picture-dealers : 
And  from  old  daubs  in  old  shops  you  may  hear  some  such  midnight 

cry  as 

"Here's  MUNDLER!  Here  he  stops!  Hooray!  he  "s  a-going  to  buy  us !" 
So  he  closes  his  disquisition,  with  a  peroration  of  stricture 
Upon  our  last  acquisition,  the  fourteen- thousand  pound  picture : 
Whereon  WILSON  of  the  Treasury,  though  in  art-matters  somewhat 

hazy, 

Boldly  describes  the  pleasure  he  has  had  from  that  Veronese. 
And,  for  further  satisfaction,  calls  our  more  artistic  CHANCELLOR, 
To  declare  that  of  "this"   transaction  the  House  ought  not  to  be 

canceller. 

And  so  the  House  comes  to  a  vote  on  the  Gem  of  the  Casa-Pisaui, 
Varnished,  henceforth,  with  a  coat  of  double  official  blarney. 
But  Punch  holds  to  PAM'S  conclusion,  that  the  Commons  don't  do 

themselves  credit, 

By  this  sort  of  art-discussion,  or  the  speeches  of  those  who  led  it : 
And  makes  bold  to  consider  it  placed  beyond  doubt  that  SIR  CHARLES 

EASTLAKE, 
Of  knowledge  and  judgment  and  taste  can't  be  proved  to  have  shown 

the  least  lack ; 

While,  as  for  the  few  hundreds'  salary  of  Secretary  WORNTJM, 
The  Trustees  of  the  National  Gallery  have  no  doubt  he  means  to 

earn  'em : 

And  as  for  MUNDLER  and  WAAGEN  and  their  patrons  and  protectors, 
Let's  wish  ourselves  joy  of  our  bargain — both  Nation,  Trustees,  and 

Directors  ! 


A   SUPERSTITION   REMOVED. 

A  "SUB-EDITOR  OF  TWENTY  YEARS'  STANDING"  (for  the  Editor's 
says  that  when  LUTHER  threw  the  inkstand  at  the  head  of  the 
Devil,  it  must  have  been  the  Printers'  Devil,  who  had  doubtlessly  been 
for  hours  dancing  about  his  elbow,  bothering  him  for  "  Copy  !  " 


"PUT  OUT  THE  LIGHT." 

IT  appears  that  a  sort  of  controversy  is  waging,  in  the  Jewish 
Chronicle,  on  the  subject  of  Proselytism  to  the  Jewish  faith,  the 
members  of  which  are  accused  of  rather  giving  the  cold  shoulder  to  a 
convert.  An  idiot,  who  writes  to  proclaim  that  he  was  converted  to 
Judaism,  eighteen  years  ago  at  Rotterdam,  (after  Scheidam,  we  sup- 
pose,) alleges,  however,  that  he  has  been  very  kindly  treated.  More 
geese  the  Rotterdam  Hebrews.  We  consider  that  the  Jews,  in  dis- 
liking converts  from  Christianity,  are  quite  right.  A  man  may  not 
j  choose  to  alter  his  habits  so  far  as  to  travel  by  railroad,  light  his  candle 
with  a  lucifer,  or  read  Punch;  but  he  must  feel  the  utmost  contempt 
for  another  man,  who,  having  known  and  tried  those  improvements, 
falls  back  on  the  old  coach,  tinder-box,  ami  Morning  Herald.  A  real 
convert  to  Judaism  is  almost  an  impossibility,  but  we  are  happy  to  say 
that  our  Missionaries  announce  hosts  of  daily  converts  to  Punch  aud- 
Judyism. 

INVALUABLE  ADVICE  FOR  PARLIAMENT.— Fewer  words,   and  more 

Acts. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI^ 


[JULY  11,  1857. 


THE    CIVIL    CABMAN. 

Cdljby  (to  Old  Party,  who  has  leen  to  the  Crystal  Palace).  "  WANT  A  CAB,  SIR  ?— SomiY  I  ' 
ENGAGED,  SIB  !— WEBBY  'Appy  TO  TAKE  YOU  NEXT  "WEEK  ! " 


WHERE  IS  THE  SERVICE  GOING  TO.? 

Or  the  Linesman's  Lament. 

I  CAME  into  the  Army, 

To  idle,  dress,  and  dine  ; 
Oh,  wasn't  I  a  dummy, 

To  go  into  the  Line ! 

First  you  pay  for  your  commission; 

But  that  is  all  a  sham ; 
Before  a  chap 's  Gazetted, 

He  must  bolt  no  end  of  cram. 

And 'when  that  he  has  bolted  it, 
With  sorrow  and  with  pain ; 

He  must  go  and  be  examined, 
And  spit  it  out  again ! 

And  when  that  humbug 's  over, 
Do  you  think  you  're  free  ?  oh  no : 

You  're  ordered  to  Fort  William, 
On  instructional  depot ! 

Tort  William — just  fancy ! 

In  Scotland— far  away ! 
They  might  just  as  well  send  fellows 

At  once  to  Botany  Bay. 

If  they'd  let  one  take  a  moor,  now, 

It  wouldn't  be  so  bad — 
But  bless  you,  leave  for  stalking 

Or  shooting,  can't  be  had. 

I  asked  that  stiff  old  fogey, 
(Such  a  imiff)  our  MaJ9r,  STERN, 

And  what  do  you  think  his  answer  'i 
"  Sir,  you  are  here  to  learn ! " 

So  one 's  drilled  and  schooled  and  hum- 
bugged, 

And  if  one  tries  to  shirk, 
There 's  SIR  COLIN  down  upon  one, 

As  savage  as  a  Turk. 

And  when  one 's  done  with  Depot, 
And  expects  to  have  one's  play, 

One 's  ordered  off  to  musketry, 
At  Hythe  with  COLONEL  HAY. 

When  with  that— hem  !— Enfield  rifle, 
One  must  practise  till,  at  nights, 

Instead  of  sleeping  soundly, 
One  keeps  on  taking  sights. 

I  didn't  join  the  Army, 
For  this  sort  of  life  at  nil — 

But  for  dress  and  lush,  and  larking, 
And  the  other  style  of  ball. 

But  as  for  togs— they  tell  us 
We  're  to  dress  for  use,  not  show  ! 

There 's  no  end  of  row,  in  mufti 
If  a  fellow  dares  to  go. 

And  in  short  they  mean  to  swamp  us 
With  snobs,  that 's  very  plain ; 

For  they  'vc  out  down  the  messes 
To  two  bob,  and  no  champagne  ! 

They  seem  to  think  an  officer 

Is  not  for  show  but  use  ; 
In  fact,  it 's  clear  the  Army 

Is  going  to  the  Deuce ! 


"  ARMA  VIRUMQUE  CANO." 

TH F.HE  is  progress  still  in  Paris.  A  grand  victory  has  been  carried,  and  without  a  single 
barricade!  Henceforth,  a  visitor  is  allowed  to  enter  the  "Exposition  of  Painting,"  and  carry 
his  cane  with  him.  He  is  not  compelled  to  leave  it  at  the  vestibule,  nor  called  upon  to  pay 
two  or  three  sous  for  the  guardianship  of  it.  The  value  of  this  victory  must  not  be  under- 
rated, for  it  has  taken  no  less  than  1857  years  of  hard  grumbling,  diplomacy,  squibs,  bun-mots, 
and  rhetorical  lighting  to  bring  it  to  a  successful  issue.  There  is  but  one  regret — the  Momleiir 
neglects  to  furnish  us  with  the  name  of  the  HANNIBAL,  who  is  the  conqueror  of  this  new 
liataille  de  Cann/e—m,  to  speak  like  a  French  Classical  stick,  de  Cannes.  Perhaps  it  is  LOKD 
BROUGHAM,  for  he  is  generally  looked  upon  as  the  great  Hero  of  Cannes  ?  in  the  meantime, 
who  is  to  abolish  a  still  greater  folly  in  England  ?  Where  is  the  conqnering  genius  who 
will  put  down  in  this  country  all  the  Gold  Sticks,  and  Silver  Sticks,  in  Waiting  ? 


What  we  may  Expect. 

THE  Coming  Comet  has  gone  in  search  of  the 
Coming  Man.  As  soon  as  they  meet,  it  is 
expected  they  will  visit  the  Earth  together— 
the  Coming  Man  on  the  back  of  the  Coming 
Comet!  This  twin-phenomenon,  this  double 
"  blaze  of  triumph,"  will  amply  atone,  it  is  tc 
be  hoped,  for  any  little  disappointment  that  the 
sanguine  and  superstitious  rnay  have  Iclt  at  their 
late  shortcomings. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.- JULY  11,  1857. 


TO  THE 
TREASURY 


HEARTLESS    ROBBERY. 


JULY  11,  18  J7.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


17 


rag»,  or  in  IOM  culinary  language,  when  they  find  they  have  been  done  by  you  and 
brought  thereby  to  rags  ana  ruin." 

It  will  he  observed  from  these  few  extracts  that  the  work  under 
rcviewul  is  only  suited  to  those  chefs  who  are  accustomed  not  to  mince 
matters,  and  whose  cookery  is  what,  one  iniizht  expert  from  ;i  tin 
kitchen.  Tliis  being  the  fuse,  we  should  have  certainly  seen  reason 
th;. I  the  book  should  be  suppressed,  but  tlmt  we  think  k\\  will  be 
inclined  to  hike  a  leaf  from  it,  now  that  all  such  cookery,  it  is  intended, 
shall  be  dealt  \\illi  as  a  ei'iinhr.l  ollVnre. 

The  book  we  see  is  dedicated  "with  the  prqfoundest  respect"  to 
MR.  INSES  CAMERON,  to  whom  the  author,  in  his  preface,  states  that 
lie  is  indebted  for  considerable  assiManc.e  in  the  compilation  of  the 
work.  This  we  can  in  no  way  feel  MI  in,  for  we  have  had 

ient  proof  of  MK.  CAMERON'S  anility,  displayed  in  nearly  all  the 
branches  of  account-cooking,  to  regard  him  as  tjciiig  a  top-Sovuit  in 


the  art. 


UNION   AMONG   BIGOTS. 


'  BOTHER  THE  NASTY  FLIES  !  " 


REVIEW. 

The  Director's  Own  Cookery  Book  :  containing  plain  and  practical  direc- 
tion* in  the  Art  of  Cookery,  as  applied  especially  to  Joint  Stock 
Companies'  Accounts.  London  :  SWINDLE  &  SCAMP,  Seven  Dials. 

To  traders  of  exhausted  credit,  and  gentlemen  who  have  more  time 
than  money  on  their  hands,  this  would  doubtless  prove  a  highly  service- 
able work,  were  it  not  for  the  prevention  we  shall  presently  allude  to. 
In  addition  to  containing  many  hundreds  of  recipes  for  the  culinary 
treatment  of  the  cash-books  of  a  company,  it  is  furnished  with  a 
copious  preliminary  treatise  on  the  rise  and  progress  of  the  Art  of 
Dishing,  as  applied  both  to  shareholders  and  to  the  public  generally  ; 
together  with  full  details  of  the  most  approved  and  recent  methods 
which  have  been  employed  in  dressing  up  and  garnishing  Reports.  It 
contains  also  much  useful  information  on  points  connected  with  the 
general  management  of  the  cuiiine,  giving  some  most  serviceable  hints 
1  0  t  lie  chefs  of  the  establishment  as  to  how,  by  the  judicious  employ- 
inent  of  catspaws,  they  may  contrive  to  get  through  a  great  amount  of 
dirt  y  work,  and  yet  succeed  in  coming  out  of  it  with  tolerably  clean 
hands,  and  leaving  very  little  stain  upon  their  private  reputation. 

Perhaps,  however,  we  shall  best  acquaint  our  readers  with  the 
character  of  the  work  by  citing  a  few  passages  by  way  of  sample  of  its 
merits  :  — 

"  To  dixh  rt  Sharehoibr.  —  In  order  to  do  this,  you  must  first  eaten  your  Share- 
holder :  an  operation  which  requires  a  somewhat  skilful  handling,  although  it  is  by 
no  means  attended  with  much  difficulty.  It  may  be  generally  effected  by  throwing 
out  some  cutohlines  by  way  of  a  prospectus,  and  the  bait  of  a  good  dividend  is  pretty 
sure  to  provo  a  taking  one.  As  soon  as  you  have  caught  your  Shareholder,  the 
process  of  dishing  him  becomes  extremely  simple.  The  best  thing  for  the  purpose 
is  \vli:it  in  eli»-nu*try  is  known  :is  an  evaporating  dish,  by  which,  as  soon  as  you 
have  done  your  Shareholder  quite  brown,  you  can  evaporate  yourself,  and  leave  Mm 
nicely  dished." 

"  To  Cor,k-  a  Dlrulai'l.—  When  your  profits  have  been  less  than  usual,  declare  a 
larger  dividend,  and  cook  it  out  of  capital.     Garnish,  it  in  your  Report  with  flum- 
1  soft  sawder  :  and  of  course  take  care,  first  <.f  all.  to  help  yourself.     As  the 
pious  CAMERON  was  wont  to  quote.  Heaven  will  help  him  who  helps  himself." 

The  stew  in  this  case  does  not  differ  much 

from  Irish  stew  :  such  as  was  invented  by  the  chrfs  of  the  Tipperary   Hunk,     With 

of  making  it  every  one  who  reads  the  newspapers,  and  even  those  who 

(like  SIR  RiriiAi;i)  HCTIIKU.;  don't,  mutt  have  long  ago  ,  ry  familiar  that 

it  would  be  sup  rili;riis  to  puMU.h  thn  reci|>c.     It  is  thought,  however,  there  will 

me  additions  to  the  stew,  and  th.-it  soi-  ,\  ,-ooks  may  find  them- 

selves in  it.     There  is  little  doubt  at  any  rate  that  they  will  be  well  roasted  when 

they  are  put  before  the  fire  of  the  ATTORN  I:Y  GIINEKAL'S  address." 


(To  the  Mawieornu  of  England). 

MY  DEAU  FANATICS, 

TMK  s:i>  ing  I  hut  two  of  a  trade  can  never  agree,  has  too  long 
been  illustrated  by  two  classes  of  enthusiasts:  yourselves,  and  the 
rabid  portion  of  the  Roman  Catholics.  Now  kiss  and  be  friends  :  and 
for  good  reason  why  you  should  fraternize,  read  the  subjoined  edifying 
at,  extracted  from  the  Times,  of  the  late  proceedings  of  the 
CARDINAL  VIALE  PRJBLA,  ARCHBISHOP  OF  BOLOGNA:  — 

'•  His  Eminence  has  ordered  that  a  portion  of  the  statue  fligantf  di  Piazza  shall 
be  covered  to  avoid  scandal.  This  statue  was  the  work  of  JOHN  or  BOLOGNA,  and 
had  remained  uncovered  for  many  years.  The  same  regulation  hag  been  enforced 
with  respect  to  all  the  pullini,  BO  much  admired  in  the  churches  of  Bologna.  The 
Cardinal  has  forbidden  any  more  singing  in  the  churches.  By  this  measure,  the 
chapel  of  St.  Petrona  so  renowned  for  iU  vocal  music,  will  be  deprived  of  its  cele- 
Lrity.  All  servile  work  is  strictly  forbidden  on  Sundays  and  holidays,  and  should 
any  person  bo  found  in  the  streets  carrying  the  smallest  parcel,  the  police  have 
orders  to  arrest  him,  and  force  him  to  pay  a  heavy  fine." 

Here,  my  puritanical  friends,  you  have  a  Popish  Archbishop  and  a 
Cardinal  to  boot,  actually  putting  statues  into  shorts  and  longclothes, 
and  stopping  profane  singing  in  churches.  Of  course  he  has  not 
altogether  prohibited  singing,  but  only  that  species  of  vocal  music 
that  excites  other  emotions  than  those  of  gloom  and  melancholy.  He 
cannot  have  forbidden  priests  to  sing  through  their  noses,  and  he  has 
in  all  probability  allowed  choristers  to  continue  to  assist  them  in  that 
melodious  exercise.  The  sacred  music,  therefore,  in  the  churches  of 
Bolojrna,  is  probably  as  dull  and  slow,  if  it  is  not  as  ludicrous,  as  the 
majority  of  your  own  devotional  tunes.  But  what  will  still  more 
recommend  —  may  1  not  say  endear  P  —  the  holy  Cardinal  to  yon,  is  the 
circumstance  that  he  has  forbidden  all  servile  work  on  Sundays. 
That  is  to  say,  he  has  forbidden  cookery  ;  and  the  Bologna  people 
must,  consequently,  content  themselves  with  cold  dinners  on  the 
Sabbath.  Better  still,  a  fine  is  enforced  for  the  offence  of  carrying  a 
parcel  in  the  streets  on  that  day  ;  so  that,  in  point  of  fact,  CARDINAL 
VIALE  PRELA  is  as  thoroughgoing  a  Sabbatarian  as  you  would  like 
to  see  invested  with  despotic  authority  for  every  Sunday  over  the 
British  public. 

In  the  meanwhile,  you  have  English  and  Irish  Roman  Catholics  at 
home  combining  with  yourselves  in  the  endeavour  to  exclude  the  Jews 
from  Parliament.  In  view  of  the  attitude  now  openly  laken  by  their 
priesthood  all  over  the  Continent,  they  see  that  it  is  idle  to  pretend 
any  longer  to  be  the  friends  and  champions  of  religious  liberty.  They 
are  fast  coming  to  an  agreement  with  you  in  essentials—  that  is  to  say 
in  the  essentials  of  fanaticism  :  in  bigotry,  intolerance,  the  love  of 
domination,  and  the  anxiety  to  incommode  and  annoy  the  public. 
Being  thus  practically  of  one  accord,  you  and  they  may  as  well  cease 
to  contend  about  speculative  trifles,  and  no  longer  suffer  your  little 
differences  of  opinion  concerning  truth  or  falsehood  to  stand  in  the 
way  of  your  friendship.  Put  your  horses  —  or  donkeys  —  together,  and 
unite  in  endeavouring  to  make  yourselves  as  troublesome  as  possible, 
and  in  actually  making  yourselves  exceedingly  ridiculous—  for  the 
love  of 


"  lluliblf  ami  &iveal-  —  This  is  too  well  known  :i  dish  to  need  much  explanation. 

>n  Inve  to  do  is  to  make  the  Bubble  Company,  and  \>-,\\:  olders 

thereof  to  make  the  squeak.    This  they  will  be  sure  to  do  when  they  are  dono  to 


P.S.  The  Divorce  Bill  affords  you  a  nice  bit  of  common  ground, 
and  I  rejoice  to  see  that  the  asses  of  your  respective  breeds  meet  on 
that  common. 


A  Westminster  Colloquy. 

"  TALK  of  the  murrain  upon  Cows  !  "  exclaimed  an  intelligent 
lirondway  milkman,  "  Blest  if  I  don't  lay  all  that  'ere  murrain  upon 
SIR  BENJAMIN  'ALL." 

"  Why  ?  "  was  the  mild  interrogatory. 

"  'A  cos  he  's  bin  and  gone  and  ruined  one  of  the  finest  milk-walks 
in  Westminster." 

"  How  P  "  was  the  imbecile  rejoinder. 

"  Why,  bless  my  'eart,  'avent  he  bin  and  gone  and  dried  up  all  our 
pumps  !  " 


18 


PUNCH,   Oil  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JCLT  11,  1857. 


jgally  qualified  practitioner.  That  option  would 
e  provided  for  by  a  Mcdico-Chirurgical  Titles 
\.ct.  The  name  of  every  legally  qualified 
ractitioner  would  be  posted  on  the  church-door 
f  his  parish.  Any  unqualified  practitioner  pro- 
uring  his  name  to  be  placed  there  would  be 
mble  to  be  hanged— or  visited  with  some 
econdary  punishment.  All  existing  corpora- 
ions  would  be  deprived  of  all  their  privileges 
xcept  the  right  to  examine  candidates ;  but,  by 
vay  of  compensation,  would  be  allowed  to  grant 
iplomas  on  their  own  terms.  A  new  medical 
xamining  board  would  be  appointed,  exacting 
,he  highest  degree  of  attainment  from  all  candi- 
lates,  and  the  minimum  standard  of  professional 
cnowledge  would  be  defined  to  be  that  required 
>y  the  College  of  Physicians. 


TRUE,  BUT  NOT  OVER  POLITE. 
"  What  a  Guy  that  Old  Thing  has  Made  of  Herself!  " 


THE    MEDICAL    PROTECTION    BILL. 

CONSIDERABLE  fear  is  entertained  by  the  several  medical  corporations,  that  although 
MR.  HEADLAM'S  Medical  Bill  has  passed  its  second  reading  by  a  large  majority  he 
will  not  be  able  to  get  it  through  Committee  this  session.  They  may,  however,  be  thankful 
that  LORD  ELCHO'S  was  withdrawn,  as  that  measure  was  framed  chiefly  with  reference  to 
the  public  good,  and  with  very  little  consideration  for  their  peculiar  advantage,  io  be  sure 
had  it  passed,  it  might  have  failed  to  accomplish  its  object,  for  it  vested  the  construction  ot 
the  medical  educational  body  in  the  Crown,  that  is  to  say  in  the  Government,  which  can  be 
no  competent  judge  of  scientific  merit,  and  is  not  fit  to  nominate  professors  ot  the  science 
of  healin"  as  it  nominates  bishops  and  other  doctors  entrusted  with  the  cure  of  souls,  the 
exercise  of  whose  functions  requires  no  particular  skill  or  knowledge,  and  in  whose  hands 
the  spiritual  lives  of  their  patients  are  not  perhaps  altogether  placed. 

MR  HEADLAM'S  Bill  preserves  for  the  medical  corporations  their  most  valuable  vested 
interests— those  from  which  they  derive  money.  It  proposes  to  continue  the  compulsion 
of  students,  before  admitting  them  to  practise,  to  pay  handsome  fees  to  those  fine  .British 
Institutions.  Nobody,  therefore,  can  be  astonished  that  the  Bill  of  MR.  HEADLAM  shoulc 
be  stamped  with  the  cordial  approval  of  our  liberal  associations  for  the  advancement  o 
medical  learning. 

The  Bill  appears  also  to  give  much  satisfaction  to  many  respectable  medical  practitioners 
By  the  retention  of  large  diploma  fees  it  narrows  the  entrance  into  their  profession 
It  performs  for  them  the  same  function  as  that  which  what  they  call  the  pylorus  perform: 
in  the  digestive  organs— lets  nothing  pass  that  would  be  injurious.  Too  many  competitor: 
would  be  injurious.  MR.  HEADLAM'S  pylorus  tends  to  shut  out  competitors.  To  this  em 
it  is  framed  with  singular  solicitude,  insomuch  that  it  actually  contains  a  clause  prohibitin; 
a  practitioner,  removing  from  one  part  of  the  kingdom  to  another,  to  practise  there  til 
after  the  expiration  of  two  years.  This  clause  is  eminently  calculated  to  protect  th 
established  practitioner  from  the  nuisance  of  having  some  enterprising  young  man  com 
and  set  up  next  door. 

The  Registration  system  which  the  Bill  proposes  will  also  highly  benefit  estabhshc 
practitioners,  if  only  the  fee  for  registration  is  put,  in  Committee,  at  a  sufficiently  hig 
figure.  The  fee  will  conduce  to  the  exclusion  from  practice  of  poor  clever  fellows,  who,  if 
they  were  not  prevented  from  exercising  their  abilities,  might  prove  dangerous  rivals  to 
thriving  medical  men.  Attorneys  stand  an  annual  tax  for  licence  to  practise  without 
much  grumbling,  precisely  because  that  impost  limits  competition  in  attorneyism ;  and  it 
might  answer  the  purpose  of  a  medical  practitioner  well-to-do  to  pay  the  like  tax  for  the 
same  species  of  protection.  This  protection  is,  in  fact,  the  only  use  of  registration ;  all  the 
benefit  of  which,  as  far  as  the  public  are  concerned,  would  be  secured  by  obliging  the  existing 
medical  corporations,  and  the  one  to  be  created,  to  publish  .easily  accessible  lists  of  their 
members. 

If  anything  so  absurd  as  the  good  of  the  community  at  largo  were  contemplated  by  the 
framer  of  a  medical  bill,  the  tenor  of  his  measure  might  be  somewhat  to  the  drift  ensuing.  The 
bill  would  be  based  on  the  principles  of  Free  Trade.  Everybody  presumed  to  have  arrived  at 
years  of  discretion  would  be  at  liberty  to  be  quacked,  with  the  option  of  being  treated  by  a 


THE  MAHOGANY  DOOR. 

Ma.  PUNCH  finds  the  following  Poem  in  his 
etter-box.  Not  having  the  remotest  idea  as  to 
what  it  means  (a  remark  which  he  used  once 
>efore,  namely,  in  speaking  of  another  extraor- 
dinary poem,  the  Lily  and  the  Bee,  to  which  it 
Mars  a  striking  resemblance,)  he  prefers  printing 
t  to  giving  the  subject  any  further  consideration. 

Is  mr  so  and  so  within 
I've  come  by  rail  to  speak  to  im, 
And  must  do  such  I  do  declare 
Before  quitting  this  West-End  square. 
So  baffled  and  shamed 

I  've  been  before  now 
I  '11  break  the  magoghany  Door 
Seise  the  plate,  Break 

the  Glass 
Make  a  stew.    Likewise  a  Ash. 

My  Master  his  perplex  just  now, 
See  cares  deep  Eurows  on  his  Brow 
Then  Leave  im  At  his  Ease  I  pray 
Call  again  some  other  day 
So  baffled  and  shaffled  &c. 

Is  it  muney  that  You  whaut 
Goods,  chattels,  or  rent, 
The  same  you  '1  have  (in  Good  time) 
When  he  takes  that  Something  off  his  mind. 
So  baffled  and 

I  come  determined  and  will  not  go 
No  ill  not  be  cheeted  so. 
Is  I.O.U.  his  in.  my  hand. 
And  cash  for  it  I  do  demand 
So  baffled  and  shaffled 

1  've  been  before  now 
I  '11  break  the  myhagony  Door 
Size  the  Plate. 

Break  the  glass 
Make  a  stew— likewise  a  Ash. 


I.P.H. 


Early  Days  for  Driving. 

THE  Court  Circular,  the  other  day,  astounded 
us  by  the  information  that — 

"  PRINCE  LEOPOLD  and  the  PRINCESS  BEATRICE  took  *. 
drive  in  a  carriage  and  four." 

Our  courtly  contemporary,  to  the  above 
momentous  intelligence  might  have  added  the 
remark,  that  the  united  ages  of  the  Royal  drive- 
takers  amounted  to  four  years,  four  months,  and 
a  few  days.  __=__======= 

Courage  in  Common  Life. 

MR.  PUNCH  requests  to  know  whether  or  not 
it  is  intended  to  confer  the  Order  of  Valour  on 
firemen  who  rescue  others'  lives  at  the  imminent 
peril  of  their  own,  and  on  medical  men  who 
expose  themselves  to  any  extraordinary  risk  in 
attending  cases  of  an  infectious  or  contagious 
nature. 


JULY 

11, 

1857.] 

PUNCH, 

OR 

THE 

LONDON 

CHARIVARI. 

19 

ADVICE 


MR.    BUCKSTONE. 

UK  Hills  of  the  Play  announce  that 
Mil.   l!i:c  ksTDXK  lukrs  a    1, 

lit.  of  the  clay  on  which  exult- 
ing London  receives  this  i 
lie  !i;t3  a  new  comedy  and  other 
:o  oll'cr,  besides  an  address  on 
:!ih  nitrht  ol'  the  se.asou.  AJ1 
very  well,  and  Mil.  Br<  KSTI> 
party  in  every  way  deserving  the 
v_'c  nf  Mr.  I'micli,  andcon- 
sei|iiently  of  the  world,  But  why  is 
he  not  bolder  'r  Why  did  he  not 
get.  up  a  Shakspe:  rian  play  for  hi; 
benefit  F  Be  will  reply  thai  he  coulc 
not  "cast"  it  strongly.  But  this  is 
a  frivolous  answer.  He  could  cast 
it  a  good  deal  more  strongly  than  t  he 
Princess's  management  can  do,  which 
does  not  allow  such  scruples  to  pre- 

vent "  Shakspcarian  revivals."  Why  not  use  SIUKSPEABE  as  Mil.  KEAN 
D  y  It'  the  company  cannot  speak  the  language,  cut  it  out,  01 
B  it,  M  K.  BUCKSTONE  should  have  taken  Uaeotih,  and  treated 
it  as  MK.  KKAN  has  cleverly  treated  the  Tfiiipi'st.  He  should  have 
reduced  Lady  Macbethio  silence,  and  let  the  Witches  sing  her  speeches 
from  under  the  stage,  or  from  the  wins,  which  would  have  been  quite 
justifiable,  as  they  arc  really  his  tempters,  though  his  wife  is  made  by 
the  poet  to  set  him  on.  He  should  have  played  Macbeth  himself  — 
when  he  recollects  that  MK.  KKAN  docs  so,  surely  there  can  be  no 
charge  of  presumption  against  MR.  BI.TKSTOXE. 

As  for  the  other  parts,  they  might  be  all  cut  down  to  lines,  first,  out 
of  reverence  for  the  author,  whose  words  ought  not  to  oe  feebly 
delivered,  and  next,  to  make  room  for  effects.  The  BATTLE,  in  which 
una  MacJonalil,  is  only  described  by  the  bloody  officer 
ia  the  play,  but  this  description  should  be  cut  outand  give  place  to  the 
actual  liirht,  a  splendid  scene,  with  real  armour.  In  the  SecondAct,  the 
CAROUSE  TILL  THE  I'lliST  COCK,  would  afford  a  contrasting 
nl  revel  and  debauch,  with  Highland  flings  of  the  period,  and 
then  the  King's  MURDER,  never  before  shown  on  the  stage,  with  the 
thunder  roaring,  and  ghosts  looking  out  from  under  the  beds.  The 
I  ''0111  -I  h  Aet  should  comprise  the  APPARITION  SCENE,  in  which  all 
the,  Frt'isi-liiilz  horrors  might  be  concentrated,  and  by  means  of  the 
magic  lantern,  spirits  might  appear  all  over  the  house,  and  frighten 
i  he  audience  out  of  their  senses.  The  Fifth  Act  could  end  all  happily 
with  the  magnificent  CORONATION  AT  SCONE.  There,  now, 
Mn.  BtJCKBTOjTE,  why  not  do  this  sort  of  thing,  and  take  credit  for 
"  reviving  "  SHAKSFEARE  ?  You  will  be  well  puffed,  (only  you  are  not 
to  vaunt  that  you  pay  £500  a-year  for  such  puffing,)  and  in  due  time 
you  may  be  made  SIR  BALDWIN  BUCKSTONE.  Meantime,  though  you 
laek  the  courage  which  some  possess,  Mr.  Punch  wisheth  you  a 
bumper  benefit. 

DOMESTIC  HARMONY. 

IT  is  now  some  years  since  II  Fanatico  per  la  Mvsica  can  have  been 
performed—  and  Notes  and  Queries  only  knows  whether  it  ever  was 
performed—  in  this  country  ;  but  that  the  hero  of  the  opera  has  a 
representative  in  actual  life,  is  obvious  from  the  subjoined  advertise- 
ment extracted  from  the  Musical  Times:— 

WANTED  A  COACHMAN',  a  man  having  n  tenor  voice  and  fair 
'  '     knowledge  of  music,  so  as  to  bo  able  to  take  part  in  a  choir,  preferred.     Also, 
milk  :md  take  charge  of  cows  :  be  must  bave  a  good  voice.  —  Apply,  - 
Library,  Walton,   Norfolk. 

A  tenor  voice  may  be  an  excellent  thing  in  a  coachman,  but  will, 

.  in  the  opinion  of  most  people,    be    a    recommendation  of 

iportance  to  a  faculty  of  driving,  enabling  him,  when  on 

duty,  to  keep  the  even  tenor  of  his  way.    We  cannot  well  conceive 

•my  use  I'm  a  musical  coachman,  as  coachman,  except  that  of  singing 

an  additional  part,  which  ROSSINI  might  please  to  write  for  the  per- 

former  who  appears  on  the  box  of  the  heroine's  carriage  in  La  Cene- 

«]  cowboy  can  be  the  want  of  none  but  an  extremely 

Orcadian  mind.    Perhaps  the  choir,  in  which  the  coachman,  and  pre- 

sumably the  cowboy  also,  are  desired  to  take  part,  is  an  ecclesiastical 

one  ;  v,  hence  we  hopefully  infer  that  the  musieal  coachman  will  occupy 

a  seat  in  the  singing  gallery  of  the  church  at.  Walton,  and  not  the  box 

of  the  coach  in  which  he  has  conveyed  his  employers  to  the  sacred 

ediliee. 


Thought  on  the  Oaths'  Bill. 

WE  deprecate  compulsory  oaths ;  but  for  the  prevent  ion  of  accidents 
ny  firedamp,  we  do  think  that  every  miner  who  descends  to  work  in  a 
Coal-mine  ought  to  be  compelled  to  take  his  I ' 


PUNCH'S  LAW  KEPORTS. 

MB.  PUXCII  is  happy  to  state  that  he  has  made  arrangements  with  a 
most  eminent,  and  most  extortionate,  Law  Hookseller,  for  the  publi- 
cation of  a  series  of  Law  Reports,  of  a  condensed  character.  They 
will  be  taken,  with  perfect  i<  .  the  proceedings  in  the 

Court  of  Chancery.  House  of  Lords,  Common  Law  Courts,  Assize 
Courts,  Criminal  Courts,  Police  Comi  ,  and  every  other 

pl&Oe  where  injustice  is  administered,  .-mil  Mr.  Punch  has  engaged  a 
large  corps  of  briefless  and  useless  barristers  to  supply  him  with  the 

y  information.  He  pledges  himself,  only  ana  solely,  to  the 
Tiuth  of  each  report,  but  as  for  the  manifestation  of  the  least  respect 
for  the  Judge  who  may  give  the  decision,  that  is  entirely  as  it  may 
happen.  The  Reports  will  appear,  originally,  in  these  columns,  and 
when  enough  have  been  collected  to  make  ;i  book,  in  close  type,  of 
two  voln>  n  hundred  pages  each,  an  event  which  will  probably 

the  opening  of  the  twentieth  century,  they  will  be  published, 
in  law-calf,  for  the  guidance  of  the  lawyers  of  that  day,  should  lawyers 
not  have  been  abated.  Exempli  gratia— 


Wife  Seating. — If  one  cruelly  beats 
his  wife,  thrashing  and  kicking 
her  in  an  unmerciful  manner,  he 
shall  have  two  months  .hard 
labour.  Semble  that  if  he  have 
been  for  years  drinking  himself 
into  delirium  tremens,  he  shall  be 
leniently  t  rent  ed. — Burcham. 

Watch-Snatchiinj . — If  one  take  a 
watch,  which  is  got  back,  and  he 
has  a  first-rate  character  for 
honesty  and  sobriety,  he  shall  be 
imprisoned  for  six  months,  with 
hard  labour.  Semble  that  a  good 
character  makes  the  crime  more 
heinous. — Com/if. 

False  Cheque.— If  one,  with  solemn 
asseveration  that  a  cheque  is 
good,  cheat  an  illiterate  and  con- 
fiding friend  into  giving  change 
for  the  same,  and  it  is  worthless, 
and  he  lieth  as  to  the  mode  in 
which  he  obtained  the  same,  he 
shall  have  one  month's  imprison- 
ment.— Pashley. 

Preaching. — If  one  getteth  drunk, 
and  proceeds  to  preach,  insisting 
upon  the  advantage  of  tempe- 
rance, and  offering  an  example 
to  his  hearers,  he  shall  go 
to  prison  for  fourteen  days. — 
Mutt, 

Silver  Robbery. — If  two,  being  boys 
of  twenty  and  seventeen,  steal 
some  silver,  value  six  pounds, 
and  plead  guilty,  they  shall  have 
each,  six  months'  hard  labour. 
—Pashlry. 

Bathing— -If  one,  being  undraped, 
swim  from  a  boat  to  the  shore, 
in  an  unfrequented  place,  and  is 
seen  of  casual  passers-by,  he 
shall  have  three  months'  impri- 
sonment and  hard  labour. — 
Brighton  Justices. 


Cab-driving. — If  one,  being  a  cab- 
driver  and  drunk,  taketh  the 
Conservative  Club  for  Brookes':-, 
he  shall  be  fined  Twenty  Shil- 
lings. Semble  that  the  offence 
is  increased  if  the  fare  be  SIR 
BENJAMIN  HALL,  or  other  Whig 
minis!  er. — Beadon. 

Wife  Beating. — If  one,  being  a 
powerful  labourer,  violently  as- 
saults his  recently  married  and 
creditable  looking  wife,  knocking 
her  about  the  head,  and  making 
her  bleed  profusely,  it  is  a  good 

Elea  that   "whenever    he   goes 
ome  he  finds  her  in  her  mother's 
room,"  and  he  shall  have  but 
two    months'    hard    labour.— 
Arnold. 

Wrong  Arrest.— If  one,  being  a 
bailiff,  having  an  execution 
against  one  sister,  do  arrest 
another  instead,  and  do  swear  at 
her  when  she  alleges  the  mis- 
take, and  do,  as  she  stateth, 
threaten  to  take  her  to  the 
police-station  and  give  her  two 
years'  hard  labour,  if  she  do  not 
pass  herself  off  at  prison  for  her 
sister,  and  so  she  goeth  to  gaol 
and  lieth  there,  she  shall  have 
for  damages  Five  Pounds. — 
liritiih  Jury. 

Railway  Fan.— If  one,  being  a  little 
boy,  be  knocked  down  by  a  Rail- 
way Van,  have  his  leg  broken, 
and  be  a  cripple  for  life,  by 
reason  of  the  driver  of  the  Van 
taking  the  same  up  a  narrow 
street,  improper  for  such  traffic, 
and  there  being  no  negligence 
on  the  part  of  the  little  boy,  he 
shall  have  no  other  damages, 
and  shall  pay  his  own/costs.— 
British  Jury. 


Report  of  the  Mayo  Committee. 

(JJy  Anticipation. ) 

ARCHBISHOP  MAC  HALE 

And  his  clerical  tail 
Did  batter  the  voters  for  HIQGINS  ; 

And  no  good,  not  the  least, 

Will  be  done,  till  each  priest 
Is  warned  off  all  electoral  diggius. 


London  Labour  and  the  London  Rich. 

(An  Bltgint  '  »f  Belffravia.) 

,  '}._  Oh  dear  !    I'm  tired  of  doing  nothing 


BUST,  « h:c  .'ng: 

Lady  Elizabeth  (hjinj  on  the  sofa}.  I'm  doing  nothing,  dear. 

Lady  June.  Well,  then,  as  we  are  both  doing  nothing,  suppose  "we 
go  out  shopping '{ 


20 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  11,  1857. 


MOVING  THE   HOUSE. 

IT  seems  that  the  stone  of  the  Houses  of  Parliament  is 
crumbling  to  pieces.  If  the  decay  is  not  quickly  put  a 
stop  to,  Parliament  will  no  longer  be  in  a  position  to  face 
the  country,  for  every  bit  of  its  face  will  Lave  peeled  off 
and  tumbled  into  the  water.  It  will  become  a  most  bare- 
faced Legislature,  worthy  to  stand  by  the  side  of  the  old 
Barebones  Parliament,  or  the  present  French  Chamber  of 
Deputies.  Bit  by  bit,  the  Houses  will  be  dissolved,  and 
the  Dissolution  will  be  one  not  unsuggestive  of  Stony- 
Batter._  Members  will  be  rather  astonished  to  be  met 
some  night  with  an  announcement  like  the  following : — 

"NO    HOUSE    THIS    EVENING!" 

"THE   HOUSE   HAS   ADJOURNED   TO   THE   MIDDLE 
OF   THE   RIVER!!!" 

An  adjournment  like  that  would  be  somewhat  difficult 
1o  withdraw.  Members  might  move  the  rising  of  the  House 
in  vain.  We  doubt  if  any  of  our  illustrious  representatives 
—not  even  those  for  Cork,  or  Bath,  or  Poole,  or  Water  ford 
—would  like  to  take  their  seats  in  a  Parliament  that  could 
offer  1  hem  nothing  but  a  watery  bed  to  sit  upon.  The  Peers 
would  probably  feel  the  inconvenience  oi  being  in  the 
water  considerably  less. 

However,  there  must  be  something  very  rotten  in 
our  Legislature,  when  we  see  the  two  Houses  gradually 
losing  their  hold  upon  the  country,  and  thus  falling  fast 
away  in  the  estimation  of  its  own  supporters. 


THE    NEW   REGULATION    MESS. 

Swell  Soldier.    "  WHAT,  DINE  OFF  WOAST  AND  BOILED,  JUST  LIKB  SNOBS — No ! — 
Br  JOVE  ! — I  SHALL  CUT  THE  ARMY,  AND  Go  INTO  THE  CHURCH  ! " 


St.  Saul— of  Tuam. 

DR.  MAC  HALE,  on  examination  before  the  Mayo  Com- 
mittee, said  that  he  did  not  consider  himself  precluded  by 
his  office  of  archbishop,  from  exercising  the  richts  of 
citizenship.  "Si.  PAUL,"  he  modestly  added,  "exercised 
his  right  as  a  Roman  citizen  when  lie  appealed  to  Crcsar." 
Yes,  and  was  instantly  packed  off  to  Itome,  a  process  of 
deportation  which  the  Mayo  evidence  would  perfectly 
justify  in  the  case  of  DR.  MAC  and  his  fellow  con- 
spirators against  the  tranquillity  and  liberty  of  Ireland. 
MAC  HALE,  however,  is  decidedly  like  ST.  PAUL— before 
conversion. 


THE  PEERS  AND  THE  PEESS. 

HE  falling  of  a  bombshell  into  the  House  of 
Lords,  could  have  hardly  caused  more  con- 
sternation among  several  of  their  number, 
than  was  occasioned  lately  by  the  motion  of 
the  EARL  or  DONOUGHMORE,  that  the  printer 
of  a  Newspaper  should  be  brought  into  their 
presence.  The  EARL  OF  DEEBY  shuddered 
through  at  least  five  sentences  at  the  bare  idea 
of  having  such  a  creature  face  to  face  with 
him ;  and  poor  LORD  MALMESBURY  has 
scarcely  yet  recovered  from  the  fright  it  gave 
him,  to  hear  it  was  proposed  to  confer  upon 
the  "person"  the  "distinction"  of  calling 
him  to_  the  bar  of  the  House.  In  the  most 
pathetic  of  ducts  they  both  sighed  forth  their 
protest  against  such  contamination,  and  were 
loudly  echoed  by  a  chorus  of  "  hear !  hear ! " 
As  well  introduce  a  sweep  into  a  drawing- 
room,  or  allow  a  Casino  gent  admission  into  ALMACK'S,  as  let  a  common 
newsprinter  be  brought  into  the  Peers'  chamber.  No  amount  of  fumi- 
gation would  be  able  to  exterminate  the  smell  of  the  wet  broadsheet 
which— it  was  not  to  be  doubted— the  animal  would  bring  with  him  • 
and  all  the  laundresses  in  London  would  fail  in  effecting  the  removal 
ot  tlic  stain  which  the  printing  ink  would  leave  upon  the  ermine  of 
their  lordships. 

Yet  one  Mould  Hunk  it  could  have  hardly  been  the  simple  fear  of 
contact  with  a  creature  of  such  low  organisation  as  a  printer,  by  which 
alone  their  lordships'  nerves  were  so  much  shattered.  As  the  voice 
ot  the  people— to  whom  now  even  Peers  have  to  render  their  account 
—the  1  ress  is  to  be  dreaded,  even  by  a  DERBY  ;  and  the  appearance  of 
a  ISewspaper  in  the  person  of  its  publisher  would  have  much  the  same 
effect  upon  the  mind  of  a  MALMESBURY,  as  the  shadow  of  a  cat  upon 
the  instinct  ol  a  mouse.  Even  as  the  owl  delights  to  sit  in  darkness 


so  would  certain  of  the  Peers  perhaps  be  not  a  little  pleased  if  the- 
light  of  Press-publicity  were  never  thrown  upon  the  sittings.    (ji, 
pro   magnifico — of  what  splendid  bursts  of  oratory  the  nation   might 
account  them  capable,  were  there  no  reporters  to  destroy  the  fond 
delusion ! 

No  doubt,  many  of  their  lordships  agree  perfectly  in  thinking  that 
Newspapers  are  of  the  things  which  in  France,  it  has  been  said,  arc 
under  better  management.  And  doubtless  many  sighs  are  breathed 
upon  the  night  air  of  St.  Stephens',  for  a  champion  to  rise  in  the 
defence  of  dull  debaters,  and  annihilate  their  enemies  the  penmen  of 
the  Press.  Still  PzracA.sleeps  in  quiet,  and  has  not  the  least  idea  of 
finding  his  shop  shutters  up.  Yet,  were  a  massacre  of  Editors  decreed, 
who  but  he  of  all  would  be  attacked  the  soonest  ?  Nevertheless,  Mr. 
Punch  continues  easy  in  his  mind,  even  with  this  thought  upon  it. 
For  he  concurs  with  HENRY  BROUGHAM  in  thinking  it  were  "  useless 
contending  with  the  Press."  JOHN  BULL  may  submit  to  many  Paris 
fashions,  but  it  is  quite  certain  that  he  never  will  to  gagging. 


Apropos. 

SCENE  : — The  Entrance  to  the  Committee  room  of  the  National  Fine 

Art  Commission.     The  Commissioners  just  breaking  up. 
Lord  Elcho  (in,  the  disguise  of  a  linkn/an,  calls).  "  The  PB.IXCE  CON- 
SORT'S German  WAAGEN  stops  the  way  !  " 


NOTICE  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 

IN  answer  to  scores  of  Correspondents  "Mr.  Punch  begs  to  state, 
most  emphatically,  that,  he  does  not  intend  to  buy  another  new  hat 
until  after  the  launch  of  the  Great  Eastern,  inasmuch  as  he  has  now  by 
him  seven  beautiful  hats,  on  the  top  of  which  are  seven  red  ring's 
caused  by  the  paint  from  that  preposterous  steamboat's  bottom,  under 
which  seven  beautiful  ladies  have  qeen  separately  escorted  by  the  said 
Mr.  Punch.  It  is  of  no  use  pestering  him  with  further  interrogatories 
on  the  subject. 


London-  SATO.  DA,,  July  llTl 


,-  *••  a    °:  »  •«    .h  °<  «»•  r«"««.  >»<*'  r°™<?  °>  »  •««•. 

h.hed  by  them  at  No.  bi,  Fleet  Stree,,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  linde/in  the  Ciiy  oi 


JULY  18,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


21 


THE    SOCIAL    TREAD-MILL.    No.   10. 


S  there  are  degrees  in  blackness, 
so  there  are  differences  in  public 
dinners.  At  Greenwich  or  Rich- 
mond there  is  at  ha-t  the  few 
hours'  escape  from  stifling,  dusty, 
steaming,  midsummer  Condon; 
the  look  out  over  the  green 
woods,  or  011  the  blight  river, 
which,  when  the  tide  is  high,  at 


and  the  claret  after—to  say  nothing  of  inter- 
mezzi of  t':incy  wines.    ( )f  course  it  is  intelligible 
'•     should   encourage  this   kind   of 
thing,    but  why  do  well-intentioned  hosts  tolc- 


"  Let  nn  mixture  of  drinks  during  dinner  .be 
allowed.  If  a  man  likes  sherry,  lei  him  stick  to 
it  ;  if  he  prefer  hock,  give  him  hock,  but  let  him 
'iid  he  is  to  be  debarred  from  sherry. 
Champagne  is  an  exception  :  that  may  he  allowed 
to  every  man— and  woman.  It  is  potable  exliila- 


lea-t,ha,  lost    the  common 'se  w-    !:'.'''."!:    •'"",*    "'  "•    "-''quires    i  -as  to 

crish  look  it  wears  above  bridge;    .lU  hu  gondeipni  injii  «il   ol  lie  doudiand 

foga    and    mists   that    hang  about  him   when 
unelated. 


thc  peculiarity  of  the  fish-dinner 
— though,  alas,  that,  too,  begins 
to  grow  sadly  stale;  the  tempo- 
rary hilarity  which  bright  sun, 
flowing  water,  and  iced  cham- 


In  dinners  'down  the  river,'  or  'on  the  Hill,'  the  sentence  is  carried  out  in  a  mitigated 
form — without  hard  labour,  as  it  were.  Indeed,  they  are  only  semi -public  dinners — the  worst 
of  those  which  are  given  at  Greenwich  or  Richmond.  Sometimes  the  muster  is  one  of 
friendly  guests  under  the  wing  of  a  host  whose  heart  is  larger  than  his  house  ;  sometimes 
it  is  an  assemblage  of  old  friends,  scattered  all  the  rest  of  the  year,  but  gathered  annually 
here  by  the  bond  of  some  old  association,  to  reknit  half-loosened  ties,  to  rub  half-effaced 
memories  bright  again  to  be  once  more  boys  at  the  same  school,  or  men  at  the  same  uni- 
ity.  Or  occasionally  the  entertainment  is  of  that  class  which  brings  together  a  peculiarly 
c.-i.-j  -going  style  of  men,  and  an  especially  becoming  style  of  pink  capote,  worn  with  the  airiest 
grace  and  ei  owning  the  freshest  and  prettiest  of  summer  toilettes.  Such  parties  are  merry 
enough  generally,  and  free  from  at  least  that  curse  of  formality  and  dulness  which  broods  over 

nhfio  dinner  pioper.    Indeed,  they  arc  not,  as  a  general  rule,  penal  inflictions  at  all, 
except  on  the  purse  of  the  entertainer. 
"And  did  tee  look  on  ourselves  in  the  light  of  social  turnkeys  and  prison  officials — oh! 

i  Mils,  ehnm  of  my  soul,  sharer  with  me  of  chambers  in  the  Temple,  partner  in  the 

scrubby  clerk,  sufferer  under  the  same  liquor-loving  laundress — when  we  broke  out, 
in  that  memorable  July,  and  entertained  a  round  dozen  of  the  pleasantest  of  our  male,  and 
tl;r  prettiest  of  onr  female  acquaintances  at  the  Trafalgar?  Surely  that  dinner  was  far 

li  removed  from  dulness,  or  humbug,  or  excess.  But  you  would  insist  on  bouquets,  you 
remember.  And  as  for  even  the  bill — didn't  you  win  your  charming  little  wife  and  her  nice 
little  fortune  by  that  identical  dinner?  Her  Cerberus  of  an  aunt,  for  whom  you  had  till  then 

ii  tried  to  invent  a  sop,  was  the  one  woman  there  above  thirty-two.  Seeing  only  the 
bright  faces  and  prettv  toilettes  about  her,  and  there  being  no  mirror  in  the  room,  she  fancied 
her  own  face  as  bright,  [and  her  own  bonnet  as  becoming  as  the  rest,  was  beguiled  into  the 
b.'st  of  tempers,  and  then  and  there  admitted  FULGENTIUS  to  her  heart,  as  'a  most  delightful, 
veil-bred  young  man,' — which  he  is,  and  was.  and  ever  will  be — and  raised  no  opposition, 
when  in  the  barouche  on  the  way  home,  he  confided  the  state  of  his  affections  to  her  unguarded 
ear  ju.-t  before  passing  Kenuingtou  Gate.  No — all  considered,  I  feel  I  have  no  right  to  class 

wieh  or  Richmond  dinners  among  the  performances  on  the  Social  Tread-mill.  Their 
own  humbug,  their  own  vanities,  their  own  absurdities,  they  may  have,  but  they  are  among 

;  eary  forms  in  which  JOHN  BULL  foregathers  with  his  kind. 

."Only,  I  think  it  is  time  that  the  fish-course  should  be  brought  within  more  reasonable 
dimensions,  and  that  those  very  obliging  persons,  MB.  QUAMEKMAIN'E  and  MK.  HART, 
should  insist  on  their  cooks  devising  something  new  for  this  part  of  the  dinner.  Why  this 
perpetual  sameness  of  souche  of  carp,  flounder  and  salmon— the  same  everlasting  fried  slips 
and  lobster-balls,  and  whiting  puddings,  and  stewed  eel,  and  turbot  a  V Hollandaise,  and 
sole  u  la  Norman.de,  and  salmon-cutlets,  sauce  piquante — and  all  the  rest  of  the  enormous 
but  unvarying  round,  which  we  are  all  so  tired  of  ? 

The  poor  little  whitebait  are  smothered  beneath  the  weight  of  these,  which  were  once  their 
accessories.  Scarce  even  the  hottest  devilling  can  sharpen  up  the  languid  appetite  that  has 
run  the  gauntlet  of  fifteen  fishes,  before  the  whitebait  appears.  So  far  as  1  can  see,  most 
people  at  a  Greenwich  dinner  appear  to  eat  the  brown  bread  and  butter  with  more  appetite 
than  anything  else. 

"Can't  anything  new  be  struck  out?    It  is  to  be  feared  that  the  fish-dinner  is  srowing, 
as  everything  in  this  country  is  [so  apt  to 'grow,  into  an  institution— with  regular  forms, 


"  And   let   some  patriot  give  himself  to  the 
study  of  lish,  considered  as   an    article  of  food, 
,  -    ii"i   ;K  a   branch  of  natural  history.     I,et    him 

pagne  are  sure  to  produce ; — and,  j  acquire  by  leading  and  experiment  the  m 
'asily,  but  above  all,  the  absence    of  all   known  ways  in  which  every  kind  of  fisli 
of  that    peculiar    public-dinner  ,  niay  be  dressed;  and  I  hen  let  him  boldly  adven- 
infliclion — the  toast-master.  ture  upon  new  ones.     \tc\  him,  thus  informed, 

"  1  lappily,  too,  Greenwich  and'  lake  one  of  the  Greenwich  Taverns,  -md  L-ive  us 
Richmond  rooms  have  not  yet 
expanded  into  the  awful  dimen- 
sions of  those  vast  dungeons  in 
Russell  Street,  and  St.Murtin's- 
in  the-Fields,  where  the  punish- 
ment of  the  public  dinner  is  ad- 
ministered in  its  severest  form. 


something  novel  in  the  way  of  a  Fish    Dinner. 
We  will  promise  him  unlimited  custom." 


OUR 


FRIENDS  WHO  BLESS  Til  KIR 
ENEMIES. 

THE  I'nirfrs  rejoices  at  the  mutiny  of  the 
Sepoys  in  India,  and  gloats  over  the  imagined 
prospect  of  England's  ruin.  It,  and  the  Tablet, 
and  all  the  rest  of  the  ultramontane  Press, 
always  exult  whenever  they  see  old  England  in 

>c,  or  likely  to  get  into  one,  and  they 
abuse  us  with  a  rancour  which  is  quite  funny. 

e  we  are  heretics,  we  don't  know  that 
we  are  so,  and  we  are  born  what  we  are,  so  that 
at  any  rate  we  are  not  worse  than  Turks,  or 
Buddhists,  or  Brahmins,  or  Fetichist  blacka- 
moors, or,  a-i\how,  than  the  Yezidi  or  worship- 
pers of  Old  Scratch.  We  are  very  much  to  be 
pitied  by  the  S(  If-sfyled  faithful ;  not  to  tie  hated  : 
according  to  their  professed  principles.  Poor 
heathen  that  we  are,  by  their  account,  why 
do  not  Messieurs  the  Priests  and  Friars,  and 
their  Scribes  and  Editors,  love  us  rather,  and 
mourn  over  us,  and  pray  for  us,  instead  of 
vituperating  us,  and  taunting  us.  and  crowing 
over  our  misfortunes  with  the  malice  of 
cockatrices  ? 


Curious   Coincidence. 

IT  has  been  the  subject  of  agreeable  comment 
that  the  week  which  witnessed  the  promotion 
of  PKINCE  ALBERT  was  remarkable  for  two 
events  of  an  equally  harmonious  nature.  As 
it  is  a  pity  this  coincidence  should  be  lost,  we 
may  as  well  state,  if  not  too  kite,  that  the  two 
events,  which,  singularly  enough,  occurred 
during  the  same  week,  were  : — The  PKINCE 
CONSORT,  and  BENEDICT'S  Concert. 


Name  and  Nature. 

THE  foreign  intelligence  of  a  contemporary 
contains  the  statement  that — 

"  His  Holiness  received  his  royal  visitors  next  morning 
with  his  accustomed  urbanity. " 

The 


..^.^wu..,.,  ,,!  ,„,.,  ^VJUIMIJ   13  ;ovj  tijn  LU  giuw,  JIILU  au  iiisiuuuuii — wan  regular  lorms,       me  present   POPE'S  pontifical  nickname  or 
which  it  gradually  comes  to  be  thought  profane,  not  to  say  indecent,  to  meddle  with,  or  even  alias  is  Pius,  however,  not  URBAN 
complain  of. 

"  1  do  not  think  that  in  France  any  chef  would  have  consented  to  serve  as  many  dinners 
of  precisely  the  same  pattern  as  the  cooks  at  the  Ship  and  Trafalgar  have  gone  on  sending 
up  year  after  year. 

"Then  again,  why  do  we  all  think  it  our  duty  at  Greenwich,  to  take  more  liquor,- or  rather 
more  kinds  of  liquor,- than  is  good  for  us  ?    The  mixture  of  drinks  which  1  see  thought  fid 
men  give  way  to  at  such  dinners  is  appalling.    There  is  the  cold  punch  with  the  turtle,  and!     THE  MERCENARY  LOVER'S  MAXIM.— "  On  ne 
the  hock  they  hand  round  with  the  souche,  and  the  champagne,  and  the  intermediate  sherry,  i  s'aime  que  pour  recolter  ! " 


A  SENTIMENT.—"  The  right  men  in  the  right 
place : "  the  British  Bank  Directors  111  the  Old 
Bailev  dock. 


VOL.  xxxni. 


22 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  18,  1857. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 


HE  Hero  of  Balaklava  (it  may  be 
as  well  to  say  that  LORD  CARDI- 
GAN is  meant)  inquired  (Monday, 
July  0',)  whether  it  was  true  that 
the  troops  just  sent  out  to  India 
had  been  despatched  in  sailing  ves- 
sels. To  this  LOUD  PANMURE  re- 
plied that  it  was  so,  and  that  it  was 
considered  that  sailing  vessels 
would  reach  their  destination  as 
soon  as  steamers,  or  sooner.  LORD 
Si i  \FTESHURY  gave  an  unqualified 
condemnation  of  the  French  plan 
for  taking  out  "  free  "  negroes  to 


publishing  office,  Government  might  plead,  as  the  excuse  for  giving 
them,  that  lie  performed  great  services  to  the  nation,  but  the  most 
impudent  of  the  painting  corporation  will  hardly  assert  this  of  the 
Academv.  But  the  K.A.'s  will  have  to  go,  one  of  these  days,  for  the 
National  Pictures  axe  to  remain  in  Trafalgar  Square,  and  the  rooms 
will  be  wanted  for  the  presents  which  Mr.  Punch,  and  other  proprietors 
of  collections,  intend  to  give  to  the  nation. 

LORD  PALMERSTON  then  smashed,  as  he'conceived,  the  Isthmus  of 
Suez  Canal,  declaring  that  the  scheme  was  a  bubble,  and  also  tint,  fur 
political  reasons,  our  Government  would  always  oppose  it.  Some  years 
hence,  the  chief  cabin  passengers  of  the  Jiitlb/tl,  a  steamer  plying  along 
the  Suez  Canal,  will  read  this  record  in  Mr.  Punch's  Thirty-Thin  I 
Volume  (a  complete  set  of  his  works  being  among  the  necessaries  of 
the  voyage),  and  will  smile  indulgently,  and  remark  how  Egypt  has 
improved  since  England  accepted  her  as  a  present  from  the  SULTAN, 
wit  h  the  consent  of  the  Republic  of  France. 

MR.  ROEBUCK  brought,   on  a  motion    for    abolishing    the-  LORD 


the  colonies,  a  scheme  which  he  |  LIEUTENANT  of  Ireland.    The  debate  was  not  a  very  amusing  one,  and 


dcclaicd  would  be  tantamount  to 
a  revival  of  the  slave-trade,  "the 
iniiM,  accursed  crime  ever  perpe- 
trated." As  LORD  PALMEKSTON 
notoriously  gives  his  confidence  to 
LORD  SHAFTESBURY,  the  PREMIER 


the  House  shirked  a  decision,  by  negativing  the  "previous  question," 
numbers  2GG  to  115.  A  good  deal  of  praise  was  lavished  on  LORD 
CARLISLE,  especially  by  MR.  DISRAELI,  who,  in  his  pleasant  scoffing 
way,  hinted  to  the  House  that  LORD  MOUPETH  had  been  somebody  in 
a  Parliament  in  which  there  were  other  somebodies,  men  of  mark,  and 
-  :  not  the  insignificant  lot  he  had  the  honour  of  addressing.  His  praise 

is  as  likely  to  take  the  opinion  of .  ;s  Of  ,|le  or(fer  which,  alone,  SIR  PHILIP  JUNIUS  FRANCIS  held  to  be 
the  latter   about  blacks  as  about   tolerable,  namely,  praise  in  odium  tertii,  or  (to  make  ourself  <•! 

railway  members  and  the  military),  when  one  praises  SHOWN  in  order 
to  show  one's  hate  for  JONES. 


bishops,  and  therefore  the  Viscount 
pr obaoly  speaks  through  the  Earl. 
AVe  hope  so.  There  was  another 
discussion  about  the  right  of  the 


Crown— a  right  that  is  undoubted— to  the  soil  between  lu'gh  and  low- 
water  mark.     LORD  BROUGHAM  intimated  that  in  many  cases  fte  •"""vyr.*1"  •"•?  •}"°«<"vr"">  «"""«""•«••:  ,"','•."',  "I,"0  ",',y",'  """•••' 
agents  of  Government  were  careless  in  enforcing  such  right,  a  state-  ?rou«d  that  he  had  no  business  to  bother  with  Ins  bills  onWedne: 

,.  i   •     i       »  .  T  i          -n  TII  (i  i:  \/l  a        A  T\T\fTJT  T>  v   c     11  until        Kill      tr\r-     aA*t/ivn«r     rurmiTial     I  one     Tr»    in/   in.t  ri'i 


Wednesiau.  The  Bill  for  dividing  the  Thames,  right  to  the  QUEEN, 
?<.tothe  MAYOR  passed.    SIR  G  LEWIS  brought  in  a  little  bill  of 

was  a  row-  on  the 


ment  for  which  Mr.  Punch  was  not  prepared.    He  would  have  thought 
that  they  were  always  in  charge  of  that  property,  considering  their 
habit  of  sticking  in  the  mud. 
In  the  Commons,  MR.  SALISBURY  wanted  correspondence  about  the 


MR.  ADDERLEY'S  useful  Bill  for  sending  criminal  lads  to  industrial 
schools,  and  making  parents  who  had  neglected  to  educate  their 
children  pay  the  expense,  got  through  Committee.  The  first  victim  to 
an  election  pet  ition  was  then  thrust  from  his  seat.  This  was  MR.  NEATE, 


J.11    IL1C    V/V/lUUlUUOt    JJJ.1V,     kJ^VJjlOJJUlV  i     VfUlVVU     OVJ-l  V^J.'Vil.VAlJlJV-^    tHJWU.li     lill\j  ,  P/-AP1-  1  1  I  *  T»  7  >  1    1       *"t  '1         i 

river  Dee,  but  what  connection  there  is  between  the  river  Dee  and  member  for  Oxford  city,  whose  place  Mr.  Punch  s  old  Contributor 
Salisbury  we  are  unaware ;  though,  as  MR.  S.  is  a  remarkably  sensible  also  advantageously  known  to  the  world  at  large  as  the  author  of 
gentleman,  we  presume  that  his  geography  is  not  at  fault.  SIR  B.  7**fr  ^<f  and,  in  fact,  as  WILLIAM  MAKEPEACE  THACKERAY,  pro- 
HALL  said,  that  it  had  not  been  decided  where  the  BARON  MAROCHETTI'S  !  Poses  to  *>  th« .  constituency  honour  by  filling,  should  they  have  the 
statue  of  RICHARD  THE  FIRST  was  to  be"  erected.  It,  or  rather  the  sense  to  elect  him.  Mr.  Punch  could,  of  course,  return  him  by ^  word, 
model,  used  to  be  beliind  the  cab-stand  in  Palace  Yard,  with  uplifted 
sword,  hailing  all  the  cabs  at  once ;  but  SIR  C.  BARIIY  thought  that  it 
somehow  interfered  with  the  clock-tower,  so  it  was  ordered  off. 
WISCOUNT  WILLIAMS  is  said  to  have  made  the  most  execrable  joke  ever 
heard,  while  the  statue  was  there.  He  remarked  that  an  unfortunate 
cab-horse,  looking  at  it,  might  exclaim,  "  O,  RICHARD  !  0,  mon  raw .'" 
The  Wiscount  must  have  forgotten  that  whatever  kind  of  animal  may 
speak,  in  or  near  Parliament,  horses  don't. 

The  House  went  into  Committee  on  the  Wills  Bill,  and  the  ATTORNEY- 
GEXERAL  went  on  swimmingly  until  the  fortieth  clause  was  reached. 
This  limited  the  operation  of  probates,  to  be  granted  by  district 


but,  true  to  his  Liberal  sentiments,  disdains  to  use  coercion.  MR.  W. 
M.  T.  has  addressed  Oxford,  in  a  capital  speech,  in  which  he  avowed 
allegiance  to  the  ballot,  and  to  the  extension  of  the  suffrage,  but  not 
such  extension  as  in  France  permitted  an  Emperor  on  Horseback  "  to 
ride  cockhorse  over  the  whole  country,  one  Tyrant  ruling  over  the 
people."  All  hands,  save  one  dirty  one,  went  up  for  TITMARSH. 

Thursday.  LORD  CAMPBELL,  after  a  well-deserved  condemnation  of 
the  foulness  known  as  French  novels  (evidence  that  one  of  which 
books  had  been  seen  for  three  minutes  in  a  married  woman's  hand 
ought  to  be  ample  ground  for  divorce)  advanced  his  Immoral  Publica- 
tions Bill.  LORD  MALMESBURY  gave  notice  that  the  eminent  horse 


registrars,  to  personal  estates  under  £1,500.  MR.  WESTHEAD— who  ]  racing  Christian,  LOUD  DERBY,  meant  to  demolish  the  Jew  Bill,  next, 
ought  to  understand  the  question,  his  Christian  name  being  PROCTOR—  evening,  and  the  REVEREND  RABBI  ABLER  proceeded  to  compose  an 
proposed  to  do  away  with  all  limitation.  SIR  R.  BETHELL  opposed  i  elegant  Hebrew  hymn  in  his  lordship's  honour.  We  should  quote  it, 
this  suggestion,  but  the  Committee  liked  it,  and  LORD  PALMERSTON'S  ;  but  our  only  compositor  who  says  he  understands  Hebrew  is  gone  to 
Government  was  beaten  by  a  majority  of  31.  MR.  HAYTER  snatched  a  Wey-Goose,  and  by  this  time,  is,  we  hope,  joyously  contemptuous 
up  his  whip  and  ran  round  the  clubs  and  other  resorts,  slashing  |  alike  of  ALEPH,  BETH,  TSADDI,  SHIN,  and  TAW. 

e  absentee  members    and  he  drove  a  lot  of  i     In  lhe  Commons  it  was    announced  that  the   Mayo  priests,   in 

ETHELL  thought  he  would  make  the  I  their  f         at  the  cxposures  before  the   committee,  c6uld  not   wait 

Die-pie  so  he  took  another  division.  MR.  HAYTER  s   for   the  decision    but  immediately  on  the  return  of   some  of  the 

<-n.  used  quite  enough    and  LORD  PALMERS-TON'S   wituesses,   set  a  mob  upon  them,   and  caused    the  most    ruffianly 

eminent  « as  again  beaten,  1 1  .is  time  by  a  majority  of  2.    The  Com- 1  outrages  to  be  committed!     Mr.  Punch  emphatically  lays  these  crimes 

d  up  and  put  a  stop  to   ,(tj  tlle  doors  of  i)le  pr;ests    and  \wpss  that  the  IRISH  ATTOKNEY- 

wri   Sm^i,   , M?-   ',   T""'  ,'l '""T  r??rted-     At ' r6  ^  °f  th?    «>^KAL,  who  has  gone  over  to  inquire  into  the  subject,  will  be  able 
tdVofnVM"    w  IT     "  :m?   '" 'lt  ™Pt  t°,lmP<?se  a  limitation,  and   to  convict;  not  tlie  fetched  tools,  but  their  blasphemous  instigators, 

ot  hei  ^  &,  n,   I    T   i™  ipf M        ^'^  ^  '     ^    W'10  "1V°ke  tho  h°liest  n«ncs  in  °«lcr  1°  illcit°  t0  il«  foulest  bnitlilit iCS' 

ightened,  LORD  IAM  gave  way.  The  B;ll  for  dealins  wi|h  Er;iudulcut  TruBtees  was  discussed,  and  in 

Tuesday.  The  case  of  whippers   of    another    kind,  namely,   coal-   some  respects  improved. 

^rSrpTp'V h';  ""\1    'T''"1  lf  li:irVV01\ed  mc'^  I"  ^l0!1'       Friday.  LORD  DERBY  kept  his  word,  and  demolished  the  Jew  Bill. 
.Much   good  was   done   by  an  Act  mssed  in    T  „„„  ri, ,„,„ .j  JL..         ,_j  J._j:,,_   ^b]y      rj^g  0^ler  j;AllL 

..hitting  at  everything 
the     question    of    MB,. 
.-,   -Ji    uvi/ic»iue   WM   .10  Hebrew  ought  Ui   lie 

,  ..  '—.--.%-  > — >•""••••"•' i  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer.    His  great  objection  to  the  Jews  was 

which          r     ,''  I''  '-K  °W  'S1"1"".'1'''1  m  7',Ty  paltry, Ty-    The  ^   that,  they  all  intend  to  beoff  to  Palestine  some  day-to  Levant,  in  fact, 

p  hll    ^f  thr  ',    I  '  (TX1)lrc'd/-'"ld  thr  P0or  ff  t°,wf  ar?,^afm   if  °"C  may  borrow  B word  from  the  Joekev-club  to  which  LORD  DERBY 

,o  IH  f        I     '      1,!;NAIil.1'mOTedthataBiUfur   has  been  writing  so  piteous  a  letter  of  complaint  that  our  racehorses 

"lad  tPo  s      i        I  h  -      ,.  o- ,  « ^riJ  Committec'  and  Mr-  P*»*  ls   are  getting  intothe  iuuidsof  our  rascals.   L.Vn  LYXDHURST,  of  course, 
e  motion  was  carried.  made  short  work  with  the  turf  logic_    The  DuKE  Qr  NoRFOLK.  \.d,\iv, 

in  tlie  Commons  .ounccd  that  Government  had  not  yet   aside  the  grievance  of  the  Catholic  voted  to  redress  that  of  the  Jew. 

come  to  the  determination  of  turning  the  Royal  Academicians  out,  of  ;  The  BISHOP  OF  LONDON  supported  the  admission  of  the  Jews, 
the  JNatioiml  (Cilery,  whose  apartments  they  really  have  no  more  claim  ,  believing  that  the  religious  position  of  the  Legislature  rested,  not  on 
to  than  Mr.  Punch.  Indeed,  if  He  demanded  them  for  his  printing  and !  oaths,  but  on  the  religions  feeling  of  the  country.  The  BISHOP  or 


LORD  GRANVILLE  move'd  the  second  reading,  ably, 


JCLY  18,  1857.] 


PUNCH,    OH    TIIK    LONDON"   CIIAI5IVAI1I. 


23 


Ox  ri,  owning  to  a  con- 

science    some     priests    hale     non-professional     n  ligiouists.       li 
I'iKiii  i. n  VM'S  V'i  .lews,    lint   I, Dili)    l)i;iuo's 

no  \'iin  one.    Of  the  Lords  in  presence,  !M  were  for  the 
bill,  109  against,  of  the  Lori 
So  thai    the  doors  of   I 'an!  mined  in    I1, 

ILD's  lace,  the  majoiity  being  'H  aguii  B  and 

the  .lew. 

BEAUTY    IN   .ARMOUR. 

UK  Crinoline  mania  is 

:n:   more  I, 
than    ever  —  \v  i 
the    following 

MS: 
•  K. —  A    firm 

Kive"    '  L-week 

rotdiui;  to  the  i 
inteli 

til. 'II,  ninlir 

—  wealing    Cri 
dl,  or,  if  vv 
be  ]•:, 
pression,    of    fe 

^\Tp      SHDDOSG       ' 

will 

petticoats     of 

under  cir- 
Manees    nl 
such    as    those   inci- 
dental to  a  Royal  Drawing  llooni,  there  is  on  on  which  the 
weal  ing  of  I  hem  vv  onhl  he  dangerous.     The  occasion  alluded  to  is  Hint 
of  a  thunderstorm,  when  every  sensible  jonug  lady,  if  any  young  lady 
\\lioxveaissiieh  preposterous  garments  can  be  called  sensible,  should 
divest  herself  of  her  steel  Crinolines,  lest  they  should  attract  the  light- 
ning -.  which  is  the  only  way  in  which  they  can  render  their  wearer  at 
n'tivc.                    

Latest  at  Lloyd's. 

A  PAINTING  of  Niagara  by  CHURCH,  not  the  Church  of  England  or 
Rome,  bin  one  of  the  many  American  Churches,  is  at.  present  to  be 
seen  at  M  i  ssus.  LLOYD'S  in  Griicechurch  Street' — a  locality  more 
appropriate  to  the  artist  than  accessible  to  his  admirers.  For  if  the 
work,  as  here  shown,  does  (I race  CHUK<  n,  its  painter,  it,  is  quite 
beyond  the  limits  of  a  shill;  from  any  known  locality. 

It  is  a  \\ondei  fnl  picture.  The  almiu'hty  water-power,  as  the  Yankees 
call  the  vd  with  almoal  cqunl  oil-power  by  the 

painter.  And  we  can  only  say,  I  hat  the  Ciiuucii  of  America  should  be 
visited  by  all  worshippers  of  t  he  Beautiful. 


A  Page  from  Cook's  Voyages. 

rer  has  returned  to  England,  and  has  forwarded  a 
sample  of  his  latest  production,  which  he  calls  "  the  Sultana  Sauce." 

It  may  possess  all  the  pungency  which  it  professes  to  do  for  anything 
we  know  to  the  contrary;  but  the  richest  Sauce  with  which  we  are 
acquainted  is  that  of  TOM   HLISTKK,  driver  of  lla:isom  Cab,  No. 7,777, 
when  ativ  country  gentleman  oilers  to  pay  him  at  the  rate  of  si 
a  mile. 

"  Alas  !  regardless  of  their  f  ttc, 
Tiic  Lialu  Victims  play." 

llri.K  IXXES  CAMUKOX,  late  Manager  of  the  British  Bank,  !i 
rendered  10  an  adjudication  in  Bankruptcy  asa  dealer  in  sheep:  having 
hud  a  shee(i-walk  in  Se  iil.md.     It  must  have  been  in  this  culling  that 
he  acquired  his  propensity  tn  Saeee. 

SERENADE  TO  THE  COMET.— Cornel  <j< 

AN   EXCEPTION   TO  EVERY    I, 

Tun  Jinn  who  as  a  rule,  thinks  everything  and  everybody  " a  Bore  !" 
always  makes  an  exception  in  favour  of— himself. 


JOIIX'S    WARNING   TO   JONATHAN. 

On  !  i  listen,  .  .tome;  lam,  as  true  >•  \  .Ions, 

I'ailienlaih   vexed  to  gee  ho.  .HI  are  '.ruin 

Not  01  incere,  :dU  it  vi, u;  mi-liu-tid  friend, 

Hut  on  my  own  account,  1  fear  to  what  a  goal  vour  rowdies,  tend. 

f  If  •'  •  ]  appeal  with  ear  and  heart  stone  deaf 

•  with  In  inKiiong  vv  ii"  ••<  ad. 

The  I'llhhuMcr  and  hi-,  gang  thev  '_Teet  with  inf.v 
Ami  iu  absurd  H  i  hiiiaan  laws. 

Your  Border  Hnllians'  horrid  deeds  all  civilised  maidJnd  disgust. 
And  your  accoun:  for  swindling,  fraud,  i 

trii 
I  for  my   1'vn.s  and    lionsoss  blush,   I    :  fill  facts  to 

rl  ; 

ecm  to  care  and  nil  v  our  rascal-  smart. 

i   elhi.>,  dense. 
And  sensclessni  n|  vvlnt  is  true, 

A  race  deni"  |  long, 

;.  and 
nig. 

i  vour  Republic  I  shall  see, 

or  a  Monarchy. 

plains   and  in-Waiting,  (io! 

:d  Uiavvin  iniil  you'll  be  in  a  pretty  fix, 

When  in  a  Ilunkev's  :  -Mids, 

1   at,  your  sove  .  ,u  kneel  and  kiss  his 

':ds. 

lone  the  spark  of  Liberty  alight, 

JhpUlisi  the  world  to  hold  my  own,  and  gin  <  attic  fight, 

\\  hen  ove 

And  you,  both  whites  and  black-  -,  all  fellow  equal 

chains. 

[ADVERTISEMENT.] 

EMPLOYMENT   FOR    THE    BLIXD.      The   Directors  of  a   Joint 
'-*  Stock  Company,  of  well  established  reputation,  and  above  a  fortnight's  standing, 
aro  in  want  of  an  experienced  and  skilful  person,  to  act  in  the  capacity  of  Auditor 
of  the  accounts.     Tlie  duties  of  the  situation  wilt  !»,.  I'umi'i  extremely  light,  con- 
suiting  merely  of  the  regular  toutine  of  making  the  half-yearly   inspection  of  the 
books,  and  supplying  a  certificate  (the  form  of  which  is  stereotyped)  that  t' 
there  contained  me  perlectly  correct,  and  entirely  coincide  with  those  nam 
Report.     In  looking  over  the  accounts  the  Amtitor  will  simply  have  to  overlook 
whatever  may  bo  wrong  in  thorn,  and  will  be  required  to  timi"a  t,Hi.,l  . 
thing  that  may  appear  to  him  suspiciously  defective  or  frauduloutl,  lals, 
over,  where  there  seems  the  danger  tiiat  some  extensive  piece  of  cookeiy  may  by 
some  means  come  to  light,  ho  will  be  expected  to  assist  iu  the  ke,  i 
.Still,  in  order  to  give  somowhat  the  appearance  of  reality  to  his  labour  of  infection, 
houil  l,e  alloAoi  ni,w  anil  then  to  mention  his  discovery  ,>t"  a  mij-t.'iko  of  some 
odd  shillings,  or  to  record  that  he  has  donh's  if  this  nr  that  security  will  ; 
some  halfpence  short,  which  errors,  the  Directors  will  of  course  take  credit  to 
themselves  for  having  rectified. 

c'tuploymeuc  will  be  one  of  anything  but  trust,  no  pecuniary  guarantee  nr 
•orety  will  be  requisite.     But  inasmuch  as  it  is  part  d  '       .  -*'  policy  to  give 

a  high  tone  of  monlity  to  each  branch  of  their  establishment,  every  ippllotutt  u.tut 
!>,•  furnished  with  the  regulation  testimonials  as  to  bis  spotless  and  unblemished 
reputation  ;  anil  must  in  addition  be  provided  with  certificates  to  pr, 
attendance  at  his  Sal,  I,  a'li  place  of  worship.     Moreover,  as  it  is  the  ru^tn 
m-'iice  tl.e  day's  business  with  a  short  rel'tfious  service,  it  is  e\\ 

,'«!  in  the  establishment  shall  bo  ablu,  in  rotation,  t •>  officiate  u 
Cli.ipl:iin,  for  wha-li  some  knowledge  or'  the  Sci-ij.turfs  will,  of  course,  be  t 
It  is  like.'  asions  of  the  Meeting  of  il 

and    official    (inclusive   oven    ot    thj  door-]  orters)   shall   b« 

uniformly  dresse,!  m  a  black  suit  and  a  white  ncctcl-  th  :  while,  to  preserve  an  air 
"Uf.  tho  whole  establishment,  any  one  cotimiii  tingco  much 
wi.l,    if  detected,    bo  sunirnal  ily  .'.^missed.      Kvti  , 
must  provide  1;  '  u  d  -Aiti,  suitable  apparel,  and  the  possessors  of  long 

•mctity  will  l)e  jirelVrr-  ,1. 

'i  terms  as  to  t'nc  |nrticinalioii  in   the  profits  of  the 
Company,  apply  in  pers<in  (after  nightfall)  at  the  office  of  tho  Agents 
BAOUTALL  Axn  BOLT,  No.  1,  Fleece  Street,  Handover  Square.— XtB.  So  Slitriff't 
,-r  Policeman  netd  apply. 


Superfluous. 

Lnnn  BHOUGIIVM,  last  week,  charged  Lruis  NAI-OLKOX  willi  an 
intention  of  reviving  the  slave  trade  under  the  disguise  of  free  African 
immigration.  Surely  for  Louis  NAPOLEON  to  briii.u-  .  the 

I  i    i  eh  territory  would  be  very  like  carrying  coals   to  Nt:«ca-tle.     A 
man  who  makes  slaves  can  have  110  occasion  to  import  them. 


at  St.  James's 


i  FECIT. — The  proper  name  for  the  receptions 

should  be  Levies  in  . 


24 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Jm.Y  18,  1S57. 


Small  Sweeper  (to  Crimean  Hero}.   "  Now,  CAPTAIN,  GHE  us  A  CorpEit,  AND  I'LL  SEE  YEB.  SATE  OVEE  THE  CS.OSSISG! 


SOLDIER'S    FARE. 

THE  excitement  occasioned  in  the  Army  by  the  COMMANDER-IN- 
CHIEF  s  sumptuary  regulation  limiting  the  cost  of  gallant  officers' 
dinners  to  2s.  a-head  for  the  Cavalry,  and  Is.  6il.  for  (he  Infantry, 
increases  The  resolution,  put  by  our  Artist  into  the  mouth  of  the 
Swell  boldier,"  delineated  in  Inr  admirable  sketch  on  page  20  of 
our  last  number,  to  "cut  the  Army  and  go  into  the  Church,"  for 
the  sake  of  a  better  sort  of  living  than  the  military,  would  be  adopted 
to  an  alarming  extent,  were  it  not  for  a  fortunate  little  difficulty 
Uoing  into  the  Church  is  more  easily  talked  about  than  done,  by  gen- 
tlemen whose  boots  and  manners  may  be  polished,  but  whose  'Latin 
and  Greek .are  rusty.'and  whose  theology,  at  the  utmost,  is  bounded  by 
the  Church  Catechism. 

We  understand  that,  with  a  view  to  meet  the  objection  'entertained 
by  otncers  of  the  fashionable  and  expensive  classes  to  the  cheap  and 
Spartan  fare  prescribed  for  them  by  authority,  some  new  regiments 
are  about  to  be  created,  for  the  express  purpose  of  suiting  their  exqui- 
site and  refined  tastes,  and  peculiarly  privileged  to  eat  and  drink  ad 
HMum,  under  the  general  designation  of  Dining  Regiments.    A  ne- 
cessary qualification  for  a  commission  in  these  corps  will  he  the  posses- 
sion of  an  ample  income   They,  will  be  distinguished  by  titles  expressive 
1      jP/iltlC,'P!C-£-  tllelr  formation— and  among  them  rumour  has  already 
named  the  1st  Diners,  the  llth  Millionnaires,  the  Eaters  and  Drinkers 
and  the  Royal  Epicures.    In  none  of  these  will  oflicers  be  limited  to 
;he  kitchen  wines,  Port  and  Sherry;  and  one  of  them  is  we  believe 
)  bear  the  appropriate  denomination  of  the  3rd  Light  C'arets     A 
f?°P,£   i, W;  Horse,  in  which  the  luxury  of  horse-flesh,  cooked 
after  the  Trench  fashion,  with  adjunction  of  the  finest  French  wines 
i  8?  a  ^andln?  d!shi 1S  als°  spoken  of.    The  winners  of  the  Derby 

uTtra  crack  re  Kit       raC6S  WJ1  ^  ^^  UP  f°r  the  meSS  °f  this 

,™I  °"lCerl  °f  A  Jine.J,^ne1rally  thc  circumscription  of  mess 
Expenses  has  been  hailed  with  high  glee,  and  measures  are  in  course 
ot  being  taken  to  carry  the  principle  of  cheap  dining  thoroughly  out 
A  gallant  officer  orders  his  plate  of  veaLand-ham,  roast  beef,  saddle 
)t  mutton,  stewed  rump-steak,  and  so  forth,  at  nine-pence  the  plate  • 
one  ox,  his  mock,  his  pea,  or  his  bouilli,  at  an  equally  moderate 


tariff.    In  Cavalry  messes,  however,  the  system  of  a  cut  off  the  joint 

more  generally  prevails,  and  the  mess  aspires  to  the  character  of  a 

two-shilling  ordinary.  Some  messes  in  both  departments  of  the  service 

have  been  reformed  on  the  chop-house  model ;  and  we  may  state,  as 

an  authentic  fact,  that  one  of  the  waiters  at  the  Cheshire  Cheese  has 

,  been  had  down  to  a  certain  depot  by  a  particular  regiment,  in  order 

!  that  he  might  teach  the  mess-table  attendants  to  cry  " Cook— single 

mutton!"  and  "  Two  Mutton  down  together !" 


RE-CHRISTENING  THE  DAYS  OF  THE  WEEK. 

A  YOUNG  friend  of  ours,  a  regular  good  Bohemian, — one  who  is  often 
out  of  luck,  but  never  out  of  spirits,— has  rechristened  the  Days  of  the 
U  eek.  This  is  his  new  nomenclature : — 

Sunday  ....     he  callt     .        .        .  Cramday. 

Monday ,          ...  Coldroeatday. 

T»«iday Noday,  or  Blankday. 

Wednesday Borrowday. 

Thutsday Pawnday. 

Friday ,          ...  Spongeday, 

Saturday Tiuday,  or  Chcqucday. 

Our  friend's  notion  of  the  Millennium  is  a  year  full  of  nothing  but 
Saturdays—/,  e.,  every  week  to  have  seven  Tindays  in  it. 


Riddle  for  the  Peers. 

WHAT  Conveyance  is  worse  than  the  worst  Omnibus  ?  is  a  question 
which  LOKD  BROUGHAM  might  have  asked  the  House  of  Lords  the 
other  evening,  when  he  introduced  a  Bill  to  amend  the  law  relating  to 
the  conveyance  of  estates,  which  is  the  slowest  and  most  awkward  and 
inconvenient  conveyance  in  the  world. 


THE   SOCIETY   OP   ANTIQUARIES. 

MB.  CHARLES  KEAN,  it  is  advertised,  has  acquired  the  right  to  add 
to  his  signature  F.S.A.  The  public  is  requested  to  observe,  that  these 
initials  do  not  mean  Fair  Second-rate  Actor. 


LJN'CII.  OR  THE  LONDON  CIlARIVARI.-JuLT  18,  1857. 


THE    PATENT    SAFETY   RAILWAY  BUFFER. 


JULY  18,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  on  TIII-:  I.UXDOX  CHARIVARI. 


27 


LET    US    JOIN    THE    LADIES. 


who  are  fond   of 
"the  Society  of  Ladies" 

will  rush    to  No.  315, 
Oxford  Street ,  and  t  here 
an  exhibition  that 
is  the    result   of  female 
handiwork.    It  is  not  an 
exhibition   of  stitching 
or  embroidery,  such  as 
shirts  made  at,  home,  or 
anti-macassars,  or 
smoking  caps,  or  i 
fly  braces,  or   sporting 
slippers    with  a 
of  foxes  ninnim,'  helter- 
skelter  ovei 

is  not  an  exhibition  of 
llcilin- wool  work,  or 
imianie,  or  any 
other  mania  that  oc- 
casionally seizes  hold  ol 
joung  ladies'  lingers, 
and  m  fort h< 

time   being,  excessive!;. 
sticky     to 

though  you  were  shaking 
hands  with  a  Sub-Editor  in  the  full  agony  of  paste  and  scissors.    It  is  not  an 
exhibition  of  jams,  or  jellies,  or  marmalades,  or  preserves,  or  much  less,  pickles 
iol  expect  yon  are  about  to  be  invited  to  a  choice  collection  of  pi 
ikes,  or  puddings,  of  a  most  marvellous  sw<  peraUj 

imparted  by  white-looking  hands  that   are  more  m  the  habit  of  playing  with  the 
ke\sof  the'  piano  than  the  ke.\s  of  the  store-room.     Nor  is  it  wax-work  with  its 
fruit,  such  as  would  cert  ainly  t  empt  birds  to  come  and 

ilowers,  so  faithfully  rendered  as  actually  t: 

maid  ,  water  them.     It  is  nothing  to  eat,  nothing  to  play  with,  nothing  to 

nothing  that  you  can  adorn  your  magnificent  person  with.     It  is   simply  a 
U  of  art,  that  have  been  contributed  exclusively  by  the  talent 
.nidish  Ladies.     A  Frenchman  would  nickname  the  Exhibition:  Les 
i  hough  it  must  not  be  surmised  that  the  painting  is 
it  sense  that  a  Frenchman  would  satirically  convey.     If  cheeks  are 
;f  lips  are  strung  into  the  precise  shape  of  Cupid's  bow— i: 
'ally  arched  into  so  many./  -if  eyelashes  are 

filing  and  the  painting  are  not  upon  their  own  fail 
but.    on   the    faces  of  here  is  no  law  as  yet,  laid  down 

i  lie  tyranny  of  Man,  that   a  Lady,  though  she  may  not  colour. her 
o  pain'  the  face  of  another, 
todueed  the  reader,   numbers  none  bul 

The  only  doubt  of  that  fact,  is  the.  extraordinary  silenc',  that  reigns 
und  the  room  ; 'though,  in  opposition  to  that  ungenerous  sneer,  we  can  state 
at  the  i  B  are  all  so  perfect ly  true  to  their  sex,  that  every 

e  of  them  i;  Thus,  there  is  a  compensating  balance  in  al 

nidi,  rn  i>u»iti>it,  makes    us    only    regret  that  there   is  not  one  at  ouj 
iiker's.     Hut   away  with  regrets  in  the  presence  of  such  delightful  company 
uningwith  the  works  of  ANNA,  JTJLIA,  KATE,  AGNES,  Fi/n 
lift;   other  pretty  names.     Not  a  man's  ugly  cognomen  is  to  be 
the  whole  catalogue.     It  is  a  Book  of  Beauty,  into  which  the  admissioi 
the  \\hi.-kered  sex  is  rigidly  prohibited.    The  visitor  involuntarily  taker  '- 

much  unknown  loveliness.    That  Brigand,  who  is  taking. 
live,  tirst  reared  his  musket  in  the  Byronic  imagination  of  HARHIKI 
and    with    respectful    awe     before     that,    tender    Jirigand,   for    who    knows 
one,  day  be   your  wife':'    That    Jiicouac  in   the  Desert,  which   i 
owing  before-   uin  with   the  crimson  light  of  a  hundred  i  blazing  llavannahs 

snug  '  parlour    of    LOVJISA — that    very    sam 

that    probably  'you    flirted    with   last  week    at    a    picnic    at    Hirnar 
:    halt,   and  warm  your  hands  lovingly  before  that  Bivouac,  and  admit- 
;  if  it  is  only  for  the  primrose  glove  vou  stole  on   that  occasion.    Be  carefu 
Drop  not  an  ugly  word,  lest  you  do  an  injury  to  the  memory  o 
:irc,  who  at  some  time  or  other  handed  yon  a  cup  of  tea,  or 
ou  the  songs  you  loved,  or  conferred  on  you  some  bright  II 
or  the  moment  deluged  your  heait  with  Italian  sunshine.     With  GEOKOIAXA  on 
our  right,  MAKIA  on  your  left, ;  with  EMMA  gazing  from  her  gorgeous  frame  right 
,  you,  ami  SOPHIA  peeping  from  behind  thai  elu'cip  of  moon-silvered  trees  over 
our  shoulder,  be  tender,  l>e  courteous,  be  complimentary,  be  everything  that  is 
enile,  and  devoted,  and  kind.    Not  that   there  is  any  necessity  for  courtesy  or 
oniphments;  but  still,  we  fancy,  that  every  gentleman,  who  goes  to  an  Exhibition, 
arries  always  a  little  bit. of  the  RUSKIN  with  him,  and  fancies  he  is  "nothing," 
kiiless  he  is  "critical." 

There  is  an  Kmigrant  Shin  of  MKS.  M'Lui's,  that,  many  a  11.  A.  would  have 
een  proud  to  have  launched  into  fame.  There  are  some  Teneriffe  views  by  MBS. 
IUKRAY,  that  are  so  beau'ifnl,  and  seem  so  true,  that,  you  may  al  ;r  for 

1C  remainder  of  your  life,  and  maintain  stoutly  too,  without  susp  M  you 

re  committing  perjury,  that  you  have  been  to  Teneriffe,  and  know  it  thoroughly, 


rom  its  curious-coloured  houses,  its  hanging  vineyards,  its 
ixnriant  fruit  down  to  the  rich  tawny  gipsy-looking 
eauties  that  sell  them,  llow  you  had-  the  iinpicturesquc 
pplewomen  and  orange  girls  when  you  come  into  Oxford 

1 1  ei  wards! 

There  ai  e  also,  water-colours,  and  copies  from  the  Old 

Masters,  and   a  Tennvsonian   picture    by    Mlis.  \Y.\un,  and 

genre  subject    by   .Miss   BHEAD.STKEET,   and   wonderful 

>  of  lace  collars  and  Crinoline  dresses  (look  at  the. 

ION.   MKS.   KASIH.I.H,II!   No.  180),  that   would  send  OUT 

^hdloni  and   Dulmfi-x   into  tits  of  envy;  and  oil    paintings, 

•inic  and  small,  modest  and  ambitio1  •!;  siietorious 

)irds'-eggn  and  glorious  odoriferous  llowers  by  M  Us.  11  Ml- 

tisoN,   that    you   -  ve   borrowed   the 

>alette   and    crushes   of    HINT   to    have   painted   them! 

e,  there  are   little  pieces  of  sculpture,   and 

an  infinity  of  agreeable  pictures,  the  majority  of  which  are 

ickeled  in  the  corner,      Sold."     And.  for  a  picture,  many 

Consider  the  height  of  criliei  d  !"  and,  in 

truth,  but  few  artists  go  beyond  it,  while  hundreds  of  poor 

st  niggling  fellows   ne\er  get  so    far.      1  low-ever,    we   must 

tly  leave  the  "Society  of  ti- 
ns, reader,  that  as  in  most  societies  of  the  same  kii 

.s  is  kind),  that  there  is  plenty  to  admire,  plenty  to 

and  very  little  to  condemn. 
However,  we    have    one   great    fault  to   find.     We  do 

,  object  to  the  Secretary  and  the  Checktakers.    We 

ithing  to  say  against  those  gentlemen,  excepting 
that  they  are  gentlemen.  They  should  have  belonged  to 
the  opposite  sex.  That  round  collar,  that  black  coat ,  t  hose 
Wellington  boots,  have  no  right  to  be  in  a  room  that,  as 

rite  over  railway  carriages,  is  "  Engaged  for  Ladies." 
They  are  an  intrusion,  a  living  anachronism,  two  black 
spots  ou  the  uniform  beauty  of  the  picture.  Away  with 
them  !  Turn  them  out ! 

This  is  the  "  Ladies' "  debut  in  the  artistic  world.  Of 
course,  they  will  go  on  improving  (if  any  improvement  is 
possible  in  the  sex !)  year  after  year.  And,  who  knows,  but 
in  time  the  Royal  Academy  may  have  a  female  President  ? 
Not  so  very  improbable  either,  considering  that  SIB 
CHARLES  EASTLAKE'S  predecessor  was  well  known  to  be  a 

SllEE  ! 


The  River  and  its  Rulers. 

THE  Conservancy  of  the  Thames  was  formerly  the 
brightest  jewel  in  the  civic  crown.  This  jewel,  by  the 
Thames  Conservancy  Bill,  will  be  torn  from  the  diadem  of 
the  City  MonarcG,  and  split  into  fragments,  which  will  be 
distributed  between  him  and  certain  of  the  magnates  of 
his  Court.  That  too  many  cooks  will  spoil  the  broth  in 
this  case  is  not  much  to  be  feared,  as  the  river  flows  with 
a  gruel  thick  and  slab,  which  can  hardly  be  rendered  more\ 
nasty  than  it  is.  It  is  to  be,  feared  that  the  new  Conser- 
vators of  the  Thames  will  not  find  their  charge  a  conserve 
of  roses. 

O,  Sham,  where   is  thy  Blush  ? 

"  Shnm— «  word,  the  English  of  which  I  doubt,  and  the  PsrlU 
rueutary  use  of  which  1  would  almost  deprecate.  "—Mr.  DitraM,  }vly  7 

"  THERE  is  a  word  I  'd  never  use, 
'Tis  SHAM,"  remarked  the  Asian  Mystic : 

Henceforth,  who  '11  venture  to  accuse 
DIZZY  of  being— egotistic  ? 


Body-Armour  for  the  Ladies. 

FORTY  thousand  tons  of  Swedish  iron  have  been  imported 
for  the  manufacture  of  Crinolines !  The  metal  which  used 
to  be  converted  in'o  mail-coats  is  now  appropriated  to 
female  petticoats.  Among  the  tortures  of  the  Inqi 
of  Avignon  was  one  called  "the  maiden  "—a  fair  figure. 
into  whose  arms  unhappy  prisoners  beinL-  pushed,  found 
themselves  clasped  by  strong  s^eel  springs,  and  so  squeezed 
to  death  !  Every  lover  will  risk  the  same  fate,  under  our 
present  regime  of  steel  jupes  a  ressorts. 


COMFORT  VOR  THE   HIGHER   CL.\- 

A  CROWDED  Dwellings  Prevent  ion  Bill   is  in  progress 
,  Parliament.     If  this  measure  becomes  lav. 
tea's   I'alaee  will  be  no  longer  used  for  Drawing 
llooms. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  18,  1857. 


SELF-CONSTITUTED    BEADLES. 

O  one  more  than  ourselves 
can  venerate  the  office,  res- 
pect the  person,  and  admire 
t  he  dress  of  a  regular  parish 
beadle,  but  we  scorn  and 
despise  all  amateur  beadles. 
By  amateur  beadles  we  mean 
Paterfamilias  and  other 
meddlers  of  his  class,  who, 
under  their  own,  or  assumed 
names,  constitute  themselves 
the  maintainers  of  petty 
decorum,  and  the  enforcers 
of  small  proprieties.  These 
officious  asses  are  perpetually 
occupying  themselves  in  try- 
ing to  get  little  restrictions 
on  personal  liberty,  and 
especially  sumptuary  laws, 
enacted  or  put  in  operation 
to  the  annoyance  of  other 
people.  They  would,  if  they 
could,  regulate  your  food, 
your  drink,  your  habits  and 
employments,  the  cut  of  your 
clothes  and  of  your  hair; 
they  would  make  you  shave  yourself  after  their  model  •  they  would  offer 
you  every  species  of  impertinence  that  deserves  a  kicking,  if  they  were 
not  afraid  of  getting  themselves  accordingly  kicked.  Not  being  able  to 
tyrannize  over  men,  they  are  accustomed  to  gratify  their  contemptible 
lust  of  dominion  by  coercing,  and  constraining,  and  checking,  and 
thwarting  boys,  curbing  their  inclinations,  interfering  with  their  tastes 
and  amusements,  and  spoiling  their  sports  in  various  particulars  which 
are  beneath  the  notice  of  any  respectable  mind.  One  of  these  meddlers, 
calling  himself  "  A  MEMBER  OF  CONVOCATION,"  has  lately  been 
writing  letters,  complaining  of  the  free-and-easy  style  of  dress,  and  the 
lively  sports  and  pastimes  of  the  Oxford  undergraduates,  and  calling 
for  the  restraint  of  those  young  bucks  in  regard  to  the  fashions  and 
diversions  at  which  he  carps.  Their  check-shirts,  loose  coloured  caps, 
and  "American  style  of  dress"  in  general,  and  their  indulgence  in 
tobacco,  are  denounced  by  this  absurd  old  pedagogue  with  all  the  gravity 
of  beadleism. 

The  disciplinary  propensities  of  a  little  and  mean  mind,  exhibit 
themselves  in  our  censor's  ensuing  observations  on  smoking  : — 

"  Smoking  in  the  streets  and  in  public,  may  in  ft  great  measure  be  checked  by  a 
steady  application  of  fines,  by  which  a  proctor  well  known  to  me  was  very  success- 
I    ful ;  he  used,  by  the  way,  always  to  fine  twice  as  much  for  a  pipe  as  for  a  cigar." 

Did  he— the  snob !  Why?  The  objection,  if  there  is  any,  to  a  pipe 
of  tobacco,  relates  surely,  not  to  the  pipe,  but  to  the  weed.  Tobacco, 
if  bad,  is  no  belter  when  formed  into  a  cigar  than  it  is  when  it  forms 
the  contents  of  a  pipe.  Who  is  to  prevent  a  man — Oxford  or  adult — 
from  smoking  in  his  own  room  ?  and  since  that,  for  the  Oxford  man, 
ought  to  be  appropriated  to  study,  the  very  fittest  place  for  him  to 
smoke  in  is  the  street. 

If  a  proctor  wanted  to  break  undergraduates  of  wearing  preposterous 
coats,  waistcoats,  trowsers,  collars,  neck-ties,  or  other  articles  of 
apparel,  his  best  plan  would  be  to  summon  the  offenders  before  him, 
have  a  photographic  artist  in  attendance  to  take  their  likenesses,  and 
set  up  those  ridiculous  portraits  to  be  exhibited  in  some  convenient 
public  situation.  It  would  be,  however,  much  better  to  leave  all  such 
matters  to  our  own  artists,  whose  province  it  is  to  deal  with  them,  and 
the  attempt  of  anybody  else  to  meddle  with  them  is  an  invasion  of  that 
province.  As  to  the  "  MEMBER  OF  CONVOCATION,"  he,  at  all  events, 
had  better  let  comicalities  of  academical  costume  alone,  for  there  can 
be  no  doubt  that  his  own  attire  is  remarkable  for  peculiarities  more 
ludicrous  than  the  most  absurd  shirt-patterns.  We  nave  every  reason 
to  believe  that,  even  during  the  present  weather,  he  wears  gaiters. 
We  wonder  what,  in  their  undergraduate  days,  was  the  style  of  costume 
sported  by  the  old  noodles  who  now  babble  against  fast  fashions  and 
wear  gaiters  with  their  great  shoes.  What  sort  of  a  larva  is  it,  in 
s/atti  papillari,  that  expands  into  this  queer  old  black  beetle  ? 


The  Patronage  of  St.  Vitus. 

THE  British  Public,  with  an  incredulity  resembling  Setsy  Prig's, 
may  generally  disbelieve  that  there  is  any  such  Saint  as  ST.  VITUS. 
There  exists,  however,  a  church,  dedicated  to  a  personage  of  that  name 
and  title  in  sunny  Italy ;  of  which  edifice  t  he  roof,  according  to  tele- 
graphic intelligence  from  Milan,  lately  fell  in.  Nobody  can  be  sur- 
prised at  this  intelligence,  who  considers  that  such  a  structure  as  the 
Church  of  ST.  VITDS  would  be  likely  to  be  very  shaky. 


BEWARE  OF  STEEL  TRAPS. 

THE  following  opinion  is  borrowed  for  the  occasion  from  PROFESSOR 

KNOTZ: — 


Now,  supposing  this  theory  to  be  correct,  if  steel  stays  are  full  of 
danger,  how  much  more  dangerous  must  steel  hoops  be !  Not  only  do 
they  debilitate  the  body,  but  the  mind,  also,  of  the  beautiful  creature 
who  is  weak  enough  to  allow  herself  to  be  steel-trapped  into  this 
absurd  circle  of  folly.  Against  all  these  hoops  and  similar  abominations, 
Punch  raises  a  regular  war-whoop,  nor  will  he  be  satisfied  till  every 
one  of  them  is  exterminated. 


THE  RIGHTS  OF  WOMAN. 

"  WHAT  nonsense !  I  'in  tired,"  exclaimed  an  Old  Bachelor,  with 
boiling  indignation,  "  of  hearing  that  old  question  mooted  over  and  over 
again !  Why,  the  Women  (bless  the  dear  creatures !)  always  are  right ! 
There  never  was  an  argument,  or  a  quarrel,  or  a  grievance,  or  a  dis- 
pute, or  a  spoilt  child,  or  a  missing  button,  or  a  separation,  or  a 
divorce,  or  an  unbecoming  bonnet,  or  an  overboiled  leg  of  mutton  yet, 
but  a  woman  was  invariably  in  the  right !  I  'm  sure  all  her  Rights  are 
divine— as  divine  as  herself— and  as,  of  old,  one  of  the  Divine  Rights 
of  Kings  was  '  a  King  can  do  no  wrong,'  so  now-a-days  one  of  the 
Divine  Rights  of  Woman  is,  '  A  Woman  never  is  wrong."  And  it 's 
my  belief,  Sir,  that  she  couldn't  do  it,  not  even  if  she  were  to  try ! " 


Incendiary  Publications. 

THE  cause  of  the  late  fire  at  the  War  Office,  by  which  one  of  the 
desks  was  destroyed,  is  no  longer  a  mystery.  The  conflagration  origi- 
natcd  in  the  desk  containing  the  NAPIER  correspondence,  obviously 
by  spontaneous  combustion.  All  letters  from  that  fiery  family  are 
henceforth  to  be  deposited  in  MILKER'S  fire-proof  safes,  each  letter 
having  pinned  to  it  one  of  PEEL'S  official  replies ;  that  being  the  most 
effectual  kind  of  damper  known. 


QT'ITE   THE   REVERSE. 

WHEN  the  POPE  was  at  Bologna,  he  expressed  the  greatest  joy  at 
finding  himself  in  the  midst  of  the  Austrian  army :  and  declared  he 
owed  much  gratitude  to  the  EMPEROR  OF  AUSTRIA,  and  therefore  to 
his  soldiers.  We  can  only  say  to  such  an  opinion,  "  No — NO — Pio." 


A  VOICE   FROM  THE   MUTE. 

SIR  G.  B.  PECHELL,  the  other  night,  in  the  House  of  Commons, 
presented  a  petition  against  the  vaccination  Bill,  from  certain 
inhabitants  of  Brighton.  We  presume  that  those  were  the  Brighton 
undertakers. 


JULY  18,  1857.] 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON   CI1AKIVARI. 


29 


SIX    PAIRS    OF    TURTLES. 


II  \'.  Mi.-r/i:,/:/  J'i'x'  "  beli  -yes  it  is 
correct  in  announcing"  (the 
jiln:.  :i  little  of 

"that,  (lie  preliminary  ai'ian^c- 
il  upon 
in  high 

life."     NIIV.  .  "  prelimis 

\ve  hold 
I  hat  I  lii  .illcmeii  have 

asked  the    young    l:nl 

lia\c   be  ith   the 

-'ion     of     ])areiiis     and 


that    MIL.  Uii.Li-.ii  \Vi:u;y  was  born  at  Rome,  a 

uay  induce  Q  lichuld  in  the  marriage 

blow  at  our  Protestant  Constitution.     But  wo  trust  thia  may 

•It  would 

M  the  [ioerij  to  •  '-rs  with 

which  lie  and  the  i  do,  but  tor  the  Morning  Potft 

to  reveal  all  these 

,  and  to  a  AMI  and  club 

talk,     lli'  v.  ishes  the  at  mo»1    bapp  'bout  to 

for  the  remainder  of  the  session  of  life,  and  trusts  they  may 


whence 


of 
ments 

is  i 

to  obtain  public  opinion  upon 
the     subject,      (which      n, 
otherwise   be   -upposed   I.' 
hajipy   eon 

and    their    friends)   Mr.    I'lu/i-k 
His  opinion 

upon  the  various  matches  thus 
heralded  to  the  universe. 
The  MAHQUIS  or  LOTHIAN  is  to  marry  LADT  CONSTAHCE  TALBOT. 
list  ^5,  and  she  is  not  of  age.     We  see  no  obji  !iis  mar- 

has  four  names,   \Vn.u\M,   SCHOKBBBO,    lloHERT, 
0  I.MIV  COXSTAXCE  has  choice  of  a  pet  household  term  for  her 
husband,  ami  we  should  respect  full-  Hon."    He  is  a  Liberal, 

and  will  therefoie  be  liberal  in  the  m  ,  but  he  is  also 


MARY  THE  MANY-FACED. 
K 

publishing    SUCh     "an-avWe.         Cl1  U  h°    wjl    '""     " 


us   what    you 


i   like,    what    you 


Will  o'the-wisps  about  you  are  tli.  ory, 

aing;  anot  I" 
Till  't«  ^n's   Romish  gi'  'IDE'S  assaults  so 

blist 
You  look  half  fiend  of  darkness,  half  angel  of  the  air. 

behold  the  Institute,  Vclepl   .Weha-ological, 

't'  pencil  to  check  Mightiness  of  pen— 
eel  both  bias  national,  and  influence  theological, 
By  giving  I  he  originals  of  H<H;HKAKEX  and  LODGE  a  call, 

;:v  as  she  was  in  paint  paluiolqgical — 
But  Sussex  Street  has  left  me  the  most  mystified  of  men. 

I  reallv  feel  as  puzzled  as  a  'p..>ssuin  in  a  hollow  tree, 
\Vii  h  a  lire-si  ick  at  t  he  bottom  and  a  tomahawk  a-top  ; 

\lariulatry  - 

•  lion  the  whole,  cousolal'ry, 
As  showing  that  no  woman's  too  ugly  for  idolatry— 


For  of  grimmer,  ghastlier  faces  I  never  saw  a  crop. 

Oh,  give  me  back  my  vision— of  the   saint  that  gently  took  her 

woes, 
.My  MARY  of  the  witching  smile,  the  eye  of  violet  gn 

lake  away  your  JANETS,  your  POURBUSES  and  ZUCCHEROS, 
Who  black  her  eyes,  and  friz  her  hair,  and  swell  her  cheeks  and  hook 

her  nose— 
A.  rose  may  smell  by  any  name,  but  with  any  name  should  look  a 

rose; 
But  what  these  MARYS  look  like,  I  really  dare  not  say. 

Though  of  Good  QUEEN  BESS'S  treatment  of  her  rival  no  upholders, 
\Vu  would  fain  ourselves  turn  headsmen,  and  with  ruthless  stroke 

and  firm, 
Strike  all  these  heads  of  MARY  off  their  ugly  pairs  of  shoulders, 


lii  its  cerecloth,  in  Westminster,  sore  fretted  by  the  worm. 


i  \atue,  and  will  therefore  take  great  and  affectionate  care  of 

MS  vo'ed  for  the  .bus,  lie  may  l;ke    1'alestine  soup— 

a  hint  her  ladyship  had  better  remember  when  ordering  dinner.     If  we 

bad  any  doubt  about   the   match,  it  was  because  on  hearing  the  an- 

nenl  read  we  thought  it  somewhat   piesuni|)luoiis  for  a  COR  to 

seek  alliance  with  a  TAIJ-.-IT,  but  on  reading  for  ourselves,  orthography 

of  this  ridiculous  notion. 

Ylsl'TVI    (illllV    DE  WlI/Tn  •  LADY    SUSAN   PELHAM  ClJN- 

TOX.     The  lady  is  not   related  to  MK.  Cu.vrnx,  the  celebrated  flute 
player,  bin  is  daughter  of  the   |)ri;K  or  NEWCASTLE,  who  has,  upon 
I  with  much  success  upon  another  favourite  instru- 
ment, his  own  trumpet,  with  m  -ponse  from  the  popular  echo. 
'iiur  hero  is  iii  the  Life  Guards,  and   being  heir  to  an  Earldom 
ily  look  for  due  promotion.    \Ve  are  by  no  means  disposed 
'ins. 

1,01,11  ,\s!ii.i:i  marries  LADY  HARRIET  CIIICIIESTER.   Any  happiness  ,  ~ 0-»  «- — 

to  any  I,  ti.u  SIIAFTESBUR^'S  f:imil>  must   -ive  pleasure  to   For  the  int'rest  of  posterity,  that  subsequent  beholders 

,,  but   the  deplorable  conduct  of  the  Morning  Pott  in  spelling   May  be  saved  from  foiri  injustice  to  the  lovely Jiead^tha^moulders 
DONEGAL!    (the  name  of  the  l;ul>'s  father)  with  one  "L"  instead  of 
two,   is   one  mientable  instances  of  frightful  ignorance  or 

malignity  which  naturally  incense  the  aristocracy  against  a 
free  IM 

Loup  KOHEKT  CECIL  marries   Miss  ALDEIISOX.    The  founder  of 

the   bri,  Hi'RuiM.EY,  but  we  trust  that  LORD 

ROBERT  will  take  care  of  his  figure,  and  not   let  himself  also  become 

burly.    The  lady  ib  the  daughter  of  one  of  the  best  judges  that  have 

mbt  not  that  LORD  ROBERT,  in  seeking  the 

-hown  himself  a  good  judge.    Although  his  elder 

a  L'ii;i>  Ci;  \\  iaji IIXE,  we  do  not  recommend  the  bridesmaids 

reet  (Alley  as  was)  for  their  bonnets. 

The   Ibis.   MR.  MOUTH   marries  .Miss  CocKEUELL,  and  as  he  will 

ear  and  a  peerage,  not  anot  her  word  need  be  said, 

except  that  as  "  on  account  of  the  youth  of  the  bride  the  marriage  is 

mouths,"   Mi\  Punch  hopes  MR.  NOK 
•  1  boy  while  on  his  probation.    AVe  recommend  him,  when 
not  in  his  brid  ny,  to  spend  as  much  of  his  lime  as  possible  on 

the  top  of  the  Monument,  reading  I'mich,  as  he  will  thus  be  out  of 
harm's  way.  and  will  be  preparing  his  mind  for  the  responsibilities  of 
wedlock  lie  may  take  his  cigar-case  with  him. 

Lastly,  MK.  \V.  II.  KEEVE  marries  Miss  \\~KLBY.  We  do  not  know 
MR.  REEVE,  but  we  knew  the  late  Jonx  Hi;i:u:,  and  we  also  know 
(lie  present  SIMS  KEEXES,  though  (as  the  latter  spells  bis  name 
differently)  this  1  iave  no  immediate  connection  with  the 

marriage.    The  seat  of  the  Wwai  family  beie  •••  ham,  we  are 

happy  to  congratulate  them  upon  the  recent  opening  of  the  railway  to 

II         _  _       1_J  1         1        •  ,•  -      !  .1  II 


PROTECTION  FROM  ROBBERY. 

FRIEND  of  ours  has  hit  upon  the  following 
expedient,  which  he  assures  us  has  answered 
with  the  greatest  success  for  the  last  eight 
or  nine  years.  He  declares  that  it  is  infinitely 
more  efficacious  than  bars,  bolts,  alarums, 
;,'ongs,  bulldogs,  man-traps,  fire-arms,  or 
anything  else.  He  lives  in  a  remote  part  of 
the  country,  and  all  he  does  to  ensure  his 
safety  is  to  erect  in  front  of  the  house  a 
board  with  the  following  inscription  con- 
spicuously painted  upon  it :— 


NOTICE !  !  ! 

BOROLARI,  TttiBres,  ROBBERS,  TRAMPS, 
POLICEMEN,  SEKVANT.S,  and  others,  are  respect- 
fully informed  that  every  piece  of  PLATE  used  in 
this  establishment  is 

ELECTROTYPED. 


The  above  friendlv  piece  of  information  has  been  responded  to  in  the 

i  •  i  ••          '.-.I  ,1.1  .' 1 1 


Sleaf"    .  II   as   upon  the  intended  junction  with  the  REI  •.  ••  liberal  spirit;  'for  the  gentleman  slat'  er  since  he  has 

The  only  obstacle  to  the  marriage  may  arise  from  the  editor  of  the    been  a  resident   in  his  suburban  house,  which,  by  the  way,  is  in  a  very 


,  , 

Morn  ho,  if  he  looks  into  the   IVnaLv  a  tiling  Hod)    lonely  district,  he  has  not  lost  even  as  much  as  a  teaspoon,  nor  has  he 

him  justice)  which  he  seldom  does  when  writing  upon  aristocratic  con-  i  been  disturbed  with  the  smallest  nocturnal  visit. 


30 


PUNCH.   OR  THE   LONDON  CHAMVARj^ 


[JULY  18,  1857. 


"  MY  STARS  AND  GA11TERS! 

MY  DEAR  MBS.  GRTJNDY, 

THE  sum  of  Pensions  charged  upon  the  Civil  List 
is  limited,  Madam,  to  £1,200  per  annum.  This  sum  repre- 
sents the  national  liberality  as  exercised  in  the  relief  of 
the  aged  scientific  and  literary  poor,  their  widows,  and 
orphans.  HENRY  CORT'S  representative  gets  £50  a-year 
out  of  this  fund,  MRS.  G.,  and  that  is  about  the  average  of 
the  allowances  granted  therefrom.  Now,  my  dear  lady,  a 
few  nights  ago,  Lord  HOTIIAM  moved,  in  the  House  of 
Commons,  for  an  account  in  detail  of  the  sum  of  £4,625 
10s.  Id.  charged  in  the  Civil  Contingencies— for  what  do 
you  think  ?  .Robes,  Madam,  collars,  badges,  &c. ;  and  &c. 
means,  I  suppose,  gold  and  silver  lace,  and,  peradventure, 
plush— for  knights  of  the  several  orders.  So,  you  see,  we 
expend  £4,625  odd  upon  the  flunkeyism  of  the  country, 
and  £1,200  Os.  (id.  on  its  literature  and  science. 

MRS.  GRUNDY,  what  do  you  say  to  that  ? 

I  am,  Madam,  most  respectfully  yours, 


P.S.  Collars,  you  see.  are  among  the  rather  expensive 
items  charged  for  in  the  Civil  Contingencies— " braw  brass 
collars,"  as  the  Scotch  poet  sings  ;  if  not  collars  of  more- 
valuable  metal.  The  name  of  JOHN  BULL,  Esq.,  England, 
is  probably  engraven  upon  them,  and  perhaps  their  wearers 
'  may  be  Knights  of  the  Kennel. 


Too  Bad. 

THERE  is  a  proposal  to  convert  St.  James's  Palace  into 
i  a  National  Gallery.  But,  surely,  if  we  consider  the  interests 

of  Academy  students,  apartments  so  unsuited  for  drawing. 
!  rooms  will  make  bad  painting-rooms;  while,  if  we  think  of 

I  lie  pictures,  accommodation  admitted  to  be  insufficient  for 

our  fashionable  young  Misses,  cauuot  be  good  enough  for 

our  glorious  Old  Masters. 


EFFECT  OF   SIXPENCE  FOR  SEVEN-E1GHTHS   OF   A  MILE. 
Cabby.  "WELL!    WE  AIU'T  ALLOWED  TO  s^r  MDCH,  BUT  I'M  THINKING 

A   DOOSE    OF   A   LOT  ! " 


HONOUR   WHERE   HONOUR  IS   DUE. 

THE  "  principal  performers  "  in  MR.  CHARLES  KEAN'S 
Tempest  having  been  f.-Med  for  by  the  audience,  there  was 
an  immediate  rush  fiF  the  huiidrcd-and-forty  carpenters 
from  behind  the  sceifeMl 


MEMS.  OF  A  MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

[MR.  PUNCH  conceives  he  has  a  perfect  right  to  print  the  memoranda  following, 
having  found  them  jotted  on  the  fly-leaves  of  one  of  his  own  pocket-books.  Mr. 
I'unck  will  not  stoop  to  explain  how  it  was  the  book  in  question  fell  into  his  hands, 
n-ir  can  he  allow  himself  to  feel  the  slightest  twinge  of  conscience  in  tims  making 
widely  public  what  was  obviously  penned  soltly  for  the  private  perusal  of  ttie 
writer.  In  his  position  of  purveyor  of  amusement  to  the  nation,  Mr.  Punch  must 
sometimes  sacrifice  his  delicacy  to  his  duty  ;  and  even  where,  as  in  the  present 
instance,  a  larly  is  tlie  victim,  he  feels  tliat  in  the  Editor  he  must  sink  the  Man,  and 
bold  the  interests  of  his  readers  paramount  to  hid  politei.ess.J 
jf*  • 

"Mem.  As  soon  as ''the  young  couple  are  comfortably  settled,  to 
write  to  in*rte  myself  to  come,  and  spend  a  week  with  them. 

"  Mem.  To  take  my  easy  chair  and  poodle  and  spring  mattrass  with 
me,  and  all  the  other  household  comforts  I  am  used  to. 

'  Mem.  To  sell  the  rest  of  my  furniture,  and  give  my  landlord  notice 
that  1  shall  not  require  to  be  his  tenant  any  longer. 

"  Mem.  To  take  an  early  opportunity  of  convincing  EDWARD  that, 
with  an  experienced  person  in  the  house,  it  is  quite  as  cheap  to  pro- 
vide for  three  mouths  as  for  two. 

"  Mem.  To  give  JEMIMA  some  instruction  in  the  art  of  household 
book-keeping,  and  to  show  her  how  to  put  down  a  new  bonnet  now 
and  then  under  the  unfathomable  head  of  "  Sundries." 

"  Mem.  To  maintain  my  character  for  being  quite  an  invalid,  because 
one  is  thereby  certain  of  receiving  such  attention. 

"  Mem.  To  be  ordered  by  my  doctor  to  take  hot  suppers,  and  to  get 
him  to  prescribe  a  glass  of  port  wine  negus  after  them,  to  be  drunk,  of 
course,  medicinally. 

"  Mem,  To  lose  no  opportunity  of  persuading  EDWARD  to  go  out 
shopping  with  me,  '  because  he  knows  the  way  about  so  well ; '  and  to 
be  careful  upon  such  occasions  always  to  put'on  my  very  oldest  shawl 
and  bonnet. 

"  Mem.  To  take  the  active  management  of  'the  visiting  department, 
and  only  keep  up  those  connections  who  repay  our  dinner  invitations 
with  good  interest. 

"  Mem.  To  relieve  JEMIMA  of  her  culinary  cares,  by  taking  off  her 
hands  the  command  of  the  cuisine,  and  not,  to  be  too  scrupulous  about 


ordering  the  dishes  which  I  am  most  fond  of,  because  they  happen  to 
be  somewhat  expensive:  -i 

"  Mem.  To  be  careful  always  to  be  present  at  the  monthly  settlings 
for  housekeeping;  so  that  should  EDWARD  ever  'wonder  how  the 
money  goeSj'  I  may  be  at  hand  to  silence  him  with  my  '  expeiience,' 
and  to  convince  him  that  he  cannot  possibly  expect  to  live  cheaper  than 
he  does,  while  he  will  persist  in  ordering  such  quantities  of  walnuts 
(which  my  dentist  lias  lately  forbidden  me  to  touch). 

"  Mi'in.  Not  to  forget  to  have  my  old  deafness  come  back  to  me, 
whenever  there  are  any  hints  thrown  out  as  to  two  being  company  and 
three,  being  none. 

"  Mem.  To  remember  always  to  make  EDWARD  some  small  present 
on  his  birthday — such  as  a  bead  purse  or  a  pair  of  knitted  muffatees— 
as  of  course  he  will  be  forced  to  return  me  the  compliment;  and  to 
save  themselves  trouble,  men  generally  give  one  a  carte  blanche  at 
SWAN  AND  EDGAR'S. 

"  Mem.  To  go  out  shopping  with  JEMIMA  on  the  slightest  provo- 
cation, and  make  any  little  purchases  I  may  require  at  the  shops  she 
has  a  regular  account  at. 

"  Mem.  Not  to  forget  to  tell  the  shopmen  that,  to  save  themselves 
trouble,  they  may  as  well  make  out  one  bill  for  the  two. 

"  Mem.  To  insist  on  sitting  up  for  EDWARD  whenever  he  dines  out, 
and  to  be  careful  upon  such  occasions  to  have  him  leave  the  brandy 
out — that  being  the  best  thing  for  keeping  one  awake. 

"  Mem.  To  persuade  EDWARD  that  Smoking  is  injurious  to  his 
health,  and  to  get  the  money  he  thus  saves  put  into  the  Missionary  box. 

"  JUeui.  To  keep  the  key  of  it,  and — 

(Here  the  MS.  suddenly  breaks  rtf.) 


"  Dirty  River,  Dirty  River." 

THE  Thames. Conservancy  Bill,  we  are  told,  is  introduced  to  settle 
disputes  as  to  the  rights  of  the  Crown,  and  those  of.  the  Corporation  to 
the  shore  of  the  river.  Surely  there  ought  to  have  been  no  such  dis- 
pute about  what  everybody  admits  to  be  "  a  common  shore." 


PrimedbyWiniamBr..dh,.,r,,,rNo  13.  Unnjr  Wobun,  Mier.  and  Frederick  Mullen  E,an.,  of  No.  19.  QUKII'I  Bo.d  We.t.  few-lit-.  Park,  teh  in  the  Pari.h  of  St.  Pancraa  in  th*  County  of  Middlwx. 
»iuM  °    j"lj IS MB;  **  '"          Freclnct  "'  WliitttlB.,  iu   tne  City  ,f  London,  and  fubli.htd  by  then,  at  No.  86,  Fleet  Street,  in  the    P.rii ,  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  titj  of 


JULY  25,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    SOCIAL    TREAD-MILL.    No.   11. 

PAINFUL  thing  is  the  public 
dinner,  but  it  has  its  object  — 
generally  a  useful  and  kindly 
one.  It  is  not  easy  to  believe, 
perhaps,  that  the  almsgiving 
which  blows  its  own  trumpet 
in  an  after-dinner  subscrip- 
tion-list ushered  in  by  MR. 
TOOLE,  and  read  out  amid  the 
jingling  of  sovereigns  by  a 
Uaiani  Honorary  [Secretary 
or  Treasurer,  can  carry  much 
blessing  along  with  it;  but 
still,  there  stand  our  hospi- 
tals, and  asylums,  and  insti- 
tutions for  the  relief  of  all 
sorts  of  ghastly  human  ail- 
ments with  their  proud  in- 
scription, '  Supported  by  Vo- 
luntary Subscriptions,'  and 
we  know  how  far  that  may 
be  interpreted  'kept  going 
by  public  dinners.' 

'  The  toilers  on  the  Social 
Tread-mill,  at  the  Freema- 
sons', or  the  Albion,  or  the 
London  Tavern,  have  at  least, 
the  consolation  of  knowing 

in  motion  so  painfully  is  grinding  charitable  corn,  or  drawing  water  of" comforter  working 

s  ol   balmy  air  for  one  or  another  class  of  fellow-sufferers  elsewhere.    But  what  are 

iy  ol   those  cases  where  the  Social  Tread-mill  grinds  nothing— where  the  wearv 

kept  going  to  no  end  at  all  but  vanity  and  vexation  of  spirit-where  all  our 

tling  up-stairs    leads  no  whither  ? 

hevfwaTi^/fn"103  f'l'l8  Strnn  H6  llie  convjcts  of  society  been  condemned  to  this  most 
(-breaking  form  of  the  Mil -in  the  shape  of  rout,  drum,  soiree,  conversazione,  or  whatever 
lose  evening  assemblages,  when  unhappy  crowds  are  gathered  together   without 
Ticnt,  or  gratification,  except,  such  miserable  enjoyment  as  the  sufferers  mav  get 
it  of  each  other's  wretchedness?    Where  is  the  social  HOWARD  to  expose 
owding  the  fou  air,  the  enforced  id  eness,  the  contagion  of  these  drawing-room 
It  makes  httle  d.fference  whether  the  presiding  gaoler  be  a  duke  of  twenty 
or  £  B  o  rn'sha,rPvarVeT1U  of,  yest«day's  dunglHll-whether  the  prison  be  situate  in  Belgravia 
unshrn  -?i       bper  the  building,   as  a  general  rule,  the  more  painful  the 

Piccadily  sutlers   by    hundreds,  where  Pentonville  groans  and  gasps  and 
-  tL  nil  P°-eS-    lne.  P™°»>-fc«of  the  one  may  include  plovers' eggs  and  clianLgne 
he  other  is  content  with  rooks'  eggs  and  gooseberry.    The  prison°dress  of  the  West 
micliSarP  "wtw^f  a"d  H«9>'?».  »"«  that  of  the  North* and  East  is  barege  an 
but  these  are  minor  distinctions.  _  In  the  essential  features  of  the  punishmen 
and  excluding  number-there  is  not  a  pin's  point  to  choose  between  the  two. 

woe     The"        '  ,'1  bencv<M  Part  ofT  Prison-visitor,  at  one  of  these  sad  scenes  of  human 
night  is  close  and  sultry.    Under  the  open  sky  scarcely  a  breath  of  air  is  stirriii" 
irea,  illy  painfully,  though  the  Park  with  its  free  sward  and  darkling  trees 
SS  of  me,  and  lean  see  the  stars  twinkling  over-head.     Suddenly  I  am 

lowwds  a  lito  £n!0f  va"°"s,  veh',cles- .  One  string  is  creeping  drearily,  at  a  snail's  pace 
raniri Iv  -  r  ?>  <*'  On_th,e  other  side  of  the  road  empty  carriages  are  driving  more 
rapidly  away  from  the  same  bmldmg.  It  is  one  of  our  more  aristocratic  prisons*  The 

ihese  are  the  vans  --"•' —  J 


nmp  >  Fading  wheels,  these  cursing,  cringing, 

fore'Z  Hnnr  ?i        •    °uWe  ffle  °'  street-Tlce-  >»d  vagabondism  which  has  collected 

o  house  "ss  i,  in?, -f6  thcfPrlsone';s  !»»  ln ]«  their  place  of  punishment,- just  such  a  hedge 
Bailed  wi,ji  '  ',q^ ^  f  /»rms  about  the. doors  of  Bow  Street  Police  Station,  or  the  Old 
Ssion  W  , ,,  ?  CT?mmal  C°"rt  "siting.  Do  not  be  afraid  of  the  crowd  and  the 
These  n  el,,  "Snr?'er  af.  HOWARD  did,  calmly  confident  in  the  nobleness  of  our  purpose 


surprised  if  you 


they  are  lining  corridors.    Don't  be 


^s3^*?Sf*i«2sI. 


mat-making !  But,  alas,  they  are  utterly  with. 
occupation.  There  is  a  buzz  of  conversation, 
it.  is  true:  such  conversation  as  is  possible  in  a 
crowd  of  four  bodies  to  a  square  yard  on  the 
a\  eni^e  ;  hurried  greetings  of  old  companions  in 
iniquity:  bits  of  prison  scandal:  inquiries  after 
the  fate  of  those  who  are  missing :  snatches  of 
what  passes  for  wit  in  such  societies:  even  a 
chuckle.,  now  and  then,  of  that  jojlcss  laughter, 
i  which  is  so  profoundly  melancholy.  For  the 
most  part,  however,  the  mirth  of  the  place  stops 
short  at  a  sad  stereotype  smile,  or  grin  rather, 
!  about  as  like  a  real  smile  as  the  agonised  rictus 
01  a  ballet-dancer. 

"  Oh,  how  tired  all  these  poor  souls  evidently 
are  of  always  seeing  each  other's  faces !  Now 
and  then  you  may  see  in  the  countenances  of  two 
of  the  younger  criminals— a  male  and  a  female 
convict— a  sudden  lighting  up  of  genuine  fellow- 
feeling:  a  quick  look  and  hasty  flush,  which  tell 
you  that  even  in  this  sad  place  there  are  hearts 
not  altogether  steeled  against  human  emotion ; 
but  the  crowd  bears  them  away  from  each 
other :  or  if  they  meet  it  is  but  for  a  moment, 
so  many  eyes  are  upon  them,  so  many  ears  open. 
With  the  proverbial  quickness  of  prisoners  at 
communication,  such  a  couple  often  manage  to 
interchange  a  wonderful  amount  of  mutual  un- 
derstanding, even  in  this  press.  Attachments 
occasionally  grow  up  in  this  dreary  prison- 
house  :  even  marriaaes  arise  out  of  acquaintances 
formed  under  sentence,  nay,  while  the  pair  are 
actually  on  the  Mill! 

"  But  what  is  such  an  occasional  assertion  of 
human  feeling  to  leaven  this  huge  fermenting 
mass  of  selfishness,  sin  and  sorrow— not  the  less 
real  that  they  hide  under  hardened  matks,  and 
look  out,  shallow  or  shameless,  from  brassy  eves 
and  sit  unblushingly  on  flushed  cheeks  ?     Do 
not  let  us  be  unjust,  though.    There  are  as  many 
shades  of  criminality  here  as  in  Pentonville  or 
Milbank.    But  there  is  no  distinction  of  age  or 
sex ;  no  classification  of  offenders ;  no  separation 
of  the  hardened  old  sinner  from  the  novice  in 
social  iniquity.    The  innocent  girl,  fresh  from 
her  first  drawing-room,  must  work  out  her  time 
side  by  side  with  the  old  harridan  hardened  by 
the  sentences  of  twenty  seasons.     The  callow 
guardsman,  who  has  not  yet  waxed  the  down  on 
his  upper  lip  into  the  visible  semblance  of  a 
moustache,  is  ruthlessly  condemned  to  associate 
with  the  hard  featured  old  roue  who  has  stood  in 
the  pillory  of  WHITE'S  bow-window  every  day 
from  three  till  five  for  the  last  thirty  summers. 
Who  can  wonder  that  the  tendency  of  even  the 
young  and  comparatively  innocent  is  to  the  same 
dead  level  of  social  hollowness,  unbelief,  evil 
speaking,  evil  livins,  idleness  and  frivolity,  at 
which  these  old  offenders  habitually  live  and 
move  and  have  their   being?     We    must    re- 
member, too,  in  charity,  that  of  these  poor  pri- 
soners there  is  a  large  proportion  who  feel  the 
weight  of  their  sentence  severely;    who  would 
give  anything  to  be  released  from  their  enforced 
idleness ;  to  exchange  this  aimless,  objectless  toil 
of  the  tread-mill,  for  honest  work,  however  hard, 
ander  the  open  heaven;  who  pine  and  pray  for 
;he  end  of  that  yearly  recurring  term  of  punish- 
ment, which  in  prison-slang  is  called  '  the  season,' 
,hat  they  may  gtt  off  to  the  country— to  the 
.rees   and  fields ;  to  the  school-house  and  the 
'illage;  to  blessed  freedom  from  the  nightly  roll 
of   tie  prison  van,   the    daily  donning  of  the 
prison  dress,  the  stifling  breath  of  the  prison 
air,  the  crush  and  crowd,  and  dreary  flatness, 
and  drearier  mirth  of  their  brothers  and  sisters  in 
Japtiyily.    We  little  know  how  much  good  there 
s  striving  feaifully  to  expand  and  fiud  expression, 
even  among  these  poor  convicts  !  " 


TRANSLATION   BY    A    THIHSTY    CLERK    IN 
KT  \\ovsv.~Semel  iitSanimmus  omxes.— 
We've  all  been  in  to   SAINSBURY'S   once  this 
morning. 


VOL.  XXXIII. 


32 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JCLY  25,  1857. 


Till:  LATE  MISUNDERSTANDING. 


To  Mr.  Punch. 


Ill,— Oblige  me  by  publish- 


ing   the    enclosed    corres- 
pondence. 

Yours,  DIZZY. 

"DEAR  DERBY,— You  are 
reported  to  have  said  in  the 
House  lost  niglit,  that  'you 
would  rather  not,  see  a  Jew 
Chancellor  of  the  Exche- 
quer.' You  will  scarcely  be 
surprised  at  my  asking  for 
an  explanation. 

"  Yours,  DI/.ZY." 
"  The  Ric/ht  Ron.,  fc.   fyc., 

My  11." 

-You  do 


'  DEAR  DIZZY, 
not  seem  to  be  aware  that 


yon  are  a  Christian 

"  Yours,  DERBY." 
"  The  Right  Hon.,  ffc.  $-c., 
July  11." 

"DEAR   DERBY,— So  I 
am.    Your    explanation   is 
most  satisfactory.     1 
sume  you  will  not  object  to 
my  forwarding  this  correspondence  to  Punch. 
"  The  Right  Hon.,  J-c.  Sfc.,  Ju'y  11."  "  Yours,  DIZZY." 


Wednesday-  The  Irish  malcontents  have  defeated  the  Judgments 
Execution  Bill,  justly  regarding  it  as  a  new  link  in  the  chain  which  the 
Saxon  is  ever  seeking  to  rivet  round  the  limbs  of  unhappy  Oireland. 
which  it  unquestionably  is,  its  tendency  being  to  assist  creditors  and 
prevent  fraud.  SIR  ERSKINE  PEKRY'S  Bill,  for  securing  the  property 
of  married  women,  was  read  a  second  time,  but  is  doomed  to  mutila- 
tion, if  not  to  death.  It  appears  to  Mr.  Punch  that  it  would  be  as  well 
to  legislate  in  this  matter  without  exactly  assuming  that  all  husbands 
are  spendthrifts  and  tyrants,  and  that  the  best  measure  (and  some 
is  undoubtedly  wanted)  would  be  one  simply  enabling  a 
woman  to  obtaiu,  in  the  hour  of  need,  some  such  protection  as  sin  n ,,u 
obtains  against  personal  violence  Because  really,  as  far  as  Mr.  Ptnu-k 
has  seen,  most  husbands  are  inclined  to  be  obedient  and  docile,  and  to 
let  their  wives  have  quite  as  much  of  their  own  way  as  is  good  for 
them,  and  the  law,  instead  of  interfering  with  unobjectionable  people, 
should  provide  remedies  in  the  exceptional  cases. 

Thursday.  LORD  ELLENBOROUGH  again  spoke  about  India,  and 
proposed  that  five  millions  should  be  lent  her,  to  aid  her  out  of  her 
present  difficulty.  With  less  generosity  he  mentioned  that  he  had 
acquaintance  with  great  numbers  of  gentlemen  connected  with  India, 
and  they  all  had  the  most  thorough  distrust  of  YEUNOS  SMITH.  _ 

MR.  O'l'LAUERTY  has  been  turned  out  of  the  representation  of 
Galvvav,  and  Mr.  Punch  is  still  more  happy  to  state  that  ARCHBISHOP 

-.  .  -rV  ii"  1         •         1    i      '1     I. 3__: 1      L.1 J 1 1H  ... 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 


July 
' 


Monday.  SIR  COLIN  CAMPBELL  goes  out  to  take  the 


MAC  HALE  and  his  clerical  tail  have  received  a  signal  blow,  the  M;ijo 
Committee  having  extruded  MR.  GEORGE  HENRY  MOORE,  and  having 
denounced  the  system  of  spiritual  intimidation  by  which  he  was 
[•dinned.  The  respectable  Roman  Catholics  of  Mayo  must  now  rally 
round  MR  HIGGINS,  who  deserves  all  credit  for  dragging  MAC  HALE, 
MOORE  &  Co.  into  the  Parliamentary  dock. 

Mr.  ROEBUCK  then  brought  on  an  utterly  useless  discussion  on  the 
OTe  I  Persian  war,  and  endeavoured  to  get  the  House  to  "  reprobate  "  the 
conduct  of  LOUD  PALMERSTON  in  not  having  consulted  Parliament  before 
falling  upon  the  Shah.  Some  smart  speaking  took  place.  In  the 
course  of  the  debate  MR.  KOEBUCK  said  that  we  might  lose  India.  There 
burst  from  the  Conservative  benches  such  an  indignant  "No"  that 
MR.  ROEBUCK'S  own  plucky  heart  was  touched,  and  he  declared  that 
it  was  a  most  "English"  expression  of  resolution,  and  that  he  sympa- 
thised with  it  cordially.  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL,  MB.  GLADSTONE,  MB. 
WALPOLE,  and  MR.  DISRAELI  each  took  a  shot  at  old  PAM,  but  all 


,  . 

chief  'command  in  India.  He  could  hardly  have  refused  for  FIELD 
MARSHAL  PRINCE  CONSORT  (in  imitation  of  the  speech  of  EIELD 
MAKSHAL  THE  DUKB  OF  WELLINGTON  to  SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER) 
had  said  to  him,  "  Either  you  must  go,  or  I."  But  so  far  from  wishing 
to  refuse,  the  gallant  COLIN  was  almost  off  before  LORD  PANMUKE 
could  tell  him  he  was  wanted—  the  India  Mail  was  stopped  at  Mar- 
seilles that  he  might  catch  the  steamer  (Scotland  may  like  to  know 
that  her  hero  started  on  Sunday  night),  and  about  the  time  that  Mr. 
J'lairh'x  record  is  read,  SIR  COLIN  must  be  cutting  across  the  desert 
with  all  his  might.  Woe  to  the  Black  Beetles  when  the  Highland 
Hedgehog  gets  at  them  !  The  above  information,  of  course  in  a  stu- 
pider form,  came  out  in  the  Lords  to-nigtit,  and  also  in  the  Commons, 
with  the  important  news  brought,  by  the  last  mail;  namely,  that  poor 
GENERAL  ANSON  had  succumbed  to  disease,  that  Delhi  was  not  taken, 
but  that  the  mutineers  had  fought,  and  been  beaten,  that  more  dis- 
affection had  manifested  itself,  tuat  one  way  and  another  the  Bengal 
army  had  lost  26,000  men. 

LORD  CAMPBELL'S  Immoral  Publications  Bill  has  passed  the  Lords, 
the  last  discussion  having  been  enlivened  by  LORD  LYNDHURST'S 
telling  LORD  CAMPBELL  that  he  was  such  a  pachydermatous  peer  that 
he  really  did  not  know  when  an  insulting  thing  had  been  said.  LORD 
MALMKSRURY  is  still  unhappy  about  the  other  geese  that  were  in  St. 
James's  Park,  although  he  has  been  repeatedly  told  to  calm  his  frater- 
nal feelings,  for  the  geese  ave  as  safe  and  happy  at  Kew  as  he  could  be 
at  Heron  Court.  He  took  an  opportunity,  in  the  course  of  his 
maundering  against  SIR  B.  HALL,  to  call  LORD  PALMERSTON  a  daring 
and  rollicking  party,  which  LORD  GRANVILLE  thought  rude.  LORD 
CAMPBELL  brought  up  the  Select  Committee's  Report  as  to  whether 
Newspapers  are  to  be  permitted  to  give  with  impunity  accounts  of 
public  meetings.  It  is  recommended  that  they  be  allowed  that  awful 
licence,  provided  the  meeting  be  called  by  an  official  and  responsible 
person. 

The  Commons  went  into  supply,  and  the  eternal  Map  question  came 
up  once  more,  and  was  discussed  for  a  great  while  and  to  no  result. 
LORD  PALMKRSTON'S  announcement  that  14,000  troops  had  been 
ordered  to  India,  that  more  were  to  go,  and  that  the  troops  on  their 

f~'\.  I..  _  _!__         _!__          __j'T  ___  1  •  ._.:__!  *,t 


way  to  China  were   also  to 
satisfaction. 


be  used  in  India,  was  received  with 


stood  by  him  on  division,  and  MR.  ROEBUCK  was  beaten  by  352  to  38. 

Fraudulent  Trustees  will  please  to  accept  this  intimation,  that  the 
Bill  for  bringing  them  to  book  has  passed  the  House  of  Commons. 

Friday.  LORD  BROUGHAM  came  out  nobly  in  the  cause  of  African 
freedom,  and  against  the  piopostd  system  Of  escorting  black  emigrants 
—  true  to  the  work  -which  he  has  been  doing  tor  sixty  years.  LORD 
HARROWBY  read  a  letter  from  an  African  king,  which  showed  what 
were  his  Majesty's  notions  of  the  plan.  This  Anointed  sovereign  (whose 
anointing  far  exceeds  that  of  European  monarchs,  with  their  one  dab  of 
oil,  he  oiling  himself  all  over  every  day)  writes  from  old  Calabar  Palace, 
and  says,  in  curious  orthography,  that  no  free  emigrants  will  come,  but 
that  he  and  other  "  gentlemen  "  will  be  happy  to  supply  "  emigrants  " 
at  the  price  of  four  boxes  of  brass  and  copper  rod  per  head.  An  Anti- 
Slavery  address  to  the  QUEEN  was  agreed  to. 

The  Commons  were  chiefly  occupied  with  the  renewal  of  the 
Hebrew  question.  The  Lords  having  again  rejected  the  Bill  for 
admitting  the  Jew,  his  friends  have  held  meetings  on  the  subject,  and 
the  result  is,  that  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL  proposes  to  introduce  a  Bill, 
enabling  persons  in  all  cases  to  take  oaths  in  the  form  most  binding  on 
their  consciences, — whether  wearing  a  hat,  breaking  a  saucer,  or 
kissing  a  volume,  be  the  outward  and  visible  sign  that  the  swearer 
intends  a  solemn  appeal  to  Providence.  He  tried  to  bring  the  Bill  in  on 
Friday ;  but,  the  Opposition,  emulous  of  the  obstructive  reputation  of 
the  Peers,  set  themselves  against  him  in  array,  stopped  his  address  in 
the  first  part  of  the  evening,  because  he  went  to  work  too  early,  and 
hours  afterwards  resisted  him,  because  he  went  to  work  too  late. 
They  divided  four  times  in  favour  of  adjournment ;  and,  as  this  process, 
if  pursued,  is  always  successful,  he  was  obliged,  at,  four  in  the  morning, 
to  give  way,  and  announce  the  Bill  for  the  next  Tuesday.  The  Oppo- 
sition game  will,  of  course,  be  to  postpone  and  protract  the  discussion 
as  much  as  possible,  so  that  the  measure  cannot  pass  in  a  Session 
whose  hours  are  numbered.  LORD  PALMERSTON  might  beat  their 
tactics  by  refusing  to  prorogue ;  but  dares  he  ask  the  territorial 
aristocracy  to  give  up  Grouse  for  Jews  ? 

A  personal  row  between  MR.  HOKS.YAN  and  some  other  Members 
came  on,  HOKSMAN,  who  is  Chairman  of  an  Election  Committee, 
being  accused  of  procuring  its  adjournment  (causing  expense  to  the 
partiesj  in  order  that  lie  might  attend  the  Jew-claim  meeting.  He 
iltiurd,  very  elaborate!1,-,  that  he  had  done  any  harm;  but  another 
:iier  of  "the  Committee,  LORD  GALWAY,  declared,  that  had  he 

*    -  - 


Tuesday.  Nothing  of  consequence  in  the  Lords  except  the  reading  of :  ..„, ~.   ...-  ~ „„,  „„.„    ,   

some  despatches  from  India.  wn  why  the  adjournment  was  asked,  it  should  not  have  taken  place, 

In  the  Commons  LORD  GODERICH  carried  a  resolution  affirming  the  !  and  HORSIIAN  does  appear  to  have  rather  "managed"  the  thing. 
principle  of  competitive  examination  for  the  Civil  Service,  and  Mn. !  LORD  PALM EKSTON  made  another  demolition  of  the  Isthmus  of  Suez 
CHAULF.S  BUXTOB  carried  an  addiess  against  the  African  Slave  Trade,  Canal  project,  explaining  that  the  real  objection  to  it  was,  that  it  would 
for  which  Loup  1'M.Mhr.sioN  thanked  him,  and  explained  that  Spain  give  other  powers  a  great-  start  of  England,  in  the  even!  of  hostilities 
was  the  European  sinner  against  human  liberty.  in  the  Indian  seas.  The  Persian  Wai1  Vote  was  taken  in  Suppjf,  and 


JULY  25,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CITARIVAIM. 


33 


the  PH.  Mime  alaio  this  country 

piolccled  against  an;,  enemy  tha.  il  her.     This 

is  doubtless  I  rue,  but  cvci jihi  .1  to  bi:  thrown  on  Mr.  PuncH 

-  dups,  fort*,  batteries,  and  so  forth,  ought  really  to  be  looked  after. 

e  lie  cliose  to  ha\  ^lem,  or 

anything  of  that  sort,  where  is  the  National  Defence  then:' 


FAIRY-LAND. 

GLIMPSE  of    Fairy-Lund    is 

always     to     hi:    had   about 
summer    lime.    Sometimes 
jou  catch  it  at  Roshefville, 
I   it    breaks   out    with 
"ten     thousand     additional 
•  hall.      The 

latter  view,  however,  is  very 
much  in  the  naltiic  of  a 
railway  break,  I'm  il  \eiy 
ijuickly  (•dines  to  a  stop. 

ler,    Fairy-Lam1 
shift    about    tci-ribly.      \\'r 
known  it    at    North 
Woolwich — we    have    wit- 
:  bright  visions  of  it 
-norehain  —  we     have 
heard  sauu  of  its 

daazlinir  wonders  thai 
illumined,    for   "  positively 
the  East  season."  the 

of  Tivoli.    The  two 
print1:  ' eristics  of 

Fairy-Laud  that  have al\va\s 
been  associated  in  our  mind 
are  ham  sandwiches  and 
fireworks.  We  have  visions 
of  fairies,  too,  dancing  be- 
fore our  eyes.  They  are  all  dressed  in  white— for  that  seems  to  be 
the  Faiiics'  favourite  colour — and  are  limping  their  anus  and  leas 
about  in  the  maddest  fashion.  What  strikes  us  particularly  is  the 
extreme  shortness  of  their  garments,  for  we  never  saw  a  Fairy  yet 
,  but  she  had  extremely  short  petticoats.  The  Fairies  generally  dance 
on  the  borders  of  a  lake — and  so,  for  what  we  know,  the  shortness  of 
I  their  muslin  garments  may  be  a  matter  of  prudence  to  prevent  the 
•.Miter  taking  the  starch  too  much  out  of  their  Crinoline.  Their 
hours  for  dancing  are  mostly  a  little  before  midnight.  A  round 
silvery  moon  takes  a  delight,  in  following  their  steps.  It.  will  fix  its 
brilliant  light  full  upon  a  particular  Fairy,  who  is  reclining  at  full 
length  on  a  cowslip  bank,  and  all  of  a  sudden  she  will  start,  out  of 
her  sleep,  and  begin  dancing  playfully,  backwards  and  forwards, 
round,  and  round,  and  round  a-jraiu,  with  her  shadow.  What  a  bright 
burnished  silver  her  \\\\-  is!  She  looks  as  though  she  had 

been    electrotyned,  and  had  come    spinning  spick-span-new  out  of 
EI.KINGTON'S  shop. 

The  whole  body  of  them  dearly  love  dancing.  Their  entire  life  seems 
one  bounding  rntnvluit  steeped  in  moonbeams.  They  dance  so  much, 
that  they  have  no  time  apparently  for  anything  else.  lou  seldom  hear 
I  liem  talk.  They  are  all  women — and  yet,  strange  to  say,  it  is  rare 
indeed  that  you  hear  them  say  a  word.  This  preference  on  the  part  of 
Fairies  I'm-  the  female  sex  is  most  unanimous.  Who  ever  heard  of  a 
Male  fairy  't  If  such  a  monstrosity  ever  intruded  into  their  happy 
circle,  wi  he  would  be  pinched  to  death  iu  less  than  live 

ries  arc  generally  under  the  command  of  a  Queen. 
\ou  know  her  at.  once  by  her  dancing  so  much  better  than  the  other 
Fairies.  Tin  her  subjects  show  her  is  very  pretty.  They 

triumphal  arches  with  their  arms  for  her  to  pass  under.    They 
i-ound  her  affectionately,  and  form  picturesque  groups,  of  whicii 
i he  bright  centre;  and  when  she  is  about  to  perform  a 
grand  pas  teitl,  they  fall  into  a  semicircle,  and  look  on  in  the  most, 
smiling,  L  manner.     It  is  their  nature  to  II  i  hey  will 

smile  uninterruptedly  throughout  an  entire  evening,  without,  ap 
in  the  least  tired.  These  aerial  creatures  float  to  the  sound  of  music, 
c  never  without  a  provoking  tune  that  sends  them  Hying  in  all 
though  they  had  been  bitten  by  so  niauv  Tarantulas. 
Ihey  nearly  dance  their  legs  off,  for  when  they  have  finished,  they  are 
obliged  1.0  Iran  for  support  against  a  tree,  or  a  pillar,  or  the  door 
of  a  house,  or  whatever  the  side-wing  may  be,  and  you  see  them 
hewing  and  panting  in  a  manner  that  makes  you  pity' them.  Your 
pity,  however,  is  not  much  needed,  for  after  arranging  the  fall  of 
their  muslin  skirts,  and  living  themselves  a  shake-  or  two,  ti 
ready  to  begin  again  the  next  minute.  They  delighi.  in  pe-ut's.  and"  gar- 
lands ot  roses,  and  sometimes  they  carry  about  baskets  of  flowers, 
which  they  scatter  recklessly,  pelting  any  beloved  object  that  comes  in 
their  way. 


A  certain  view  of  FAIRY.LANH  may  at  the  present   monn  n!   li 
in  U  alworth,  in  some  (laid  .nery 

is  certain!]  Till.      It  is  so  beautiful,  you  could  all 

painted  b]   l>\-;so.v.     You  see  large  round,   vch 

uto    the   distance,    until    they   (fan  \<    the    led 

chimney  pots  of  the  houses  at  the  back.    Their  are  coial  ca\cs,  and 
Turneres(|iie  ba\s,  and  lainbow  ri  ,  in  which 

l  love  to  di  i.     The  water,  too,  is  real,  but 

the  Fairies  are  heavj,  ll.it,  and  move  too  slowK.  as  ihiiii'.'h  the;  i 
work-  nery.     They  look  like  painted    I  l    like 

Fairies  of  real  flesh  and  blood,  such  as  we  ha\e 

the  I'linec-.'s  Theatre,  and  other  notable  pUcea  of  n  SOrl   for  the  Fairy 

Kingdom.    It  is  tme  they  look  better,  when  lighted  op  ab 

o'clock    with   a    brilliant    disj'hv   of  fireworks;    but    they   a; 

'.ithcMime,    winged    beau!  ies  lint    usually  h:  ..rical 

IHM--N       I  i  i|iposinu'    the    F.iirie-   , 

the   butterfly   creation!  of  our  early   pantomiic  •  -   still 

it   must   be   confessed   that   the   music   they    thai    to  it  ti 
Gardens  is  of  the  very  b.st.     Wln-n  sung   by  a   MADAMK  C>\- 

iiss  iMi.r.i,  ii  is  so  good  as  to  justify  almost,  the  eii'-omiinn  of 
"  ir/tttt  Fairy-like  Music.'" 


SONG  OF  THE  CHEMIST  AND  DRUGGIST. 
To  Medical  Hill  Frame™. 

OVER  the  counter  and  into  the  till, 

Over  the  counter  1  praet 
Dealing  out  mixture  and  powder  and  pill, 

Doctoring  patients,  the  fac 

an  old  woman,  "  What 's  good  for  the  bile  ''.  " 

Vainly  you  '11  bid  me  not  tell  her  ; 
All  prohibition  defying,  I  smile, 

Whilst  I  a  remedy  sell  her. 

Over  the  counter  for  colic  and  cramp, 

Over  the  counter  for  phthisick. 
Now  MKS.  HAKKIS  and  then  MRS.  GAMP, 

And  their  connections,  I  physick. 
How  is  a  Medical  Bill  to  force  me 

Not  to  dispense  cream-of-tartar, 
Sulphur,  and  senna,  and  salts,  whilst  I'm  free 

Still  to  ply  pestle  and  mortar  ? 


"Sis, 


AN  ORGANIC  CURE. 


THOUGHTS  FOR  ANY  WEATHER. 

(Taken  principally  on  Hie  tj/iiultj  Side  of  Life.) 

Ai.r,  is  sujpr  to  the  vain,  even  the  praise  of  fools. 

Tho  Man  of  Honour  makes  no  vow,  but  acts  as  if  he  had  made  one. 
K|iicure  "living  well"  me-ms  "  RO.I.I  living." 

Shame  of  Poverty  is  almost  as  bad  as  Pride  of  Wealth. 

A  M;i;i  mustier!  his  mvu  strength,  before  he  can  make  an  impression  with  it 
np..n  others. 

Euvy  is  A  glutton  that  is  never  at  a  loss  fir  a  meal,  and  a  glutton,  too,  that  let  it 
feed  as  grossly  as  it  will,  is  sure  to  leave  off  with  an  appetite,  and  ready  to  begin 

One  may  show  tremendous  courage  for  another,  and  yet  be  a  groat  onward  for 
oneself— as  you  will  neqnently  sro  a  num  put  his  name  to  a  Hill  fur  a  friend,  who 
would  n<'t,  OH  ;Uion,  do  it  I'.ir  hiu, 

If  men  would  t-tke  as  much  can- ot  their  <-h;traetors  as  they  do  of  their  clothes, 
they  would  show  lewer  staius,  nor  would  there,  probably,  be  so  many  holes  picked 
in  them. 

Vanity  is  mental  dmm-drink:ng. 

When  parei  r.  ii,  i;  ia  less  to  please  tbcm  tlian  to  please  them' 

selves.  It  is  the  egotism  of  parental  love. 


THANK  you  for  that  little  cutof  the  Organ-Fiend,  dancing  and 
grinning  as  he  grinds  your  soul  out.  But  I  write  chiefly  to  tell  yon 
that  some  of  us  out  here,  who  live  in  a  sort  of  cttl-de-sac,  into  which 
the  organs  used  to  come  all  day  long  (encouraged  of  course  by  the 
abominable  mothers  and  servant-girls),  have  hit  upon  a  way  of  crippling  ' 
the  rascals,  without  doing  them  any  harm.  We  privately  hire  three 
or  four  smart  sharp  gamins,  glad  to  earn  an  honest  shilling,  to  keep 
watch.  An  organ  comes,  and  they  fly  to  the  fellow,  and  while  one  or 
two  dance,  and  chaff,  and  amuse  him,  another  slips  out  a  sharp  pocket 
knife  and  quietly  cuts  the  strap  that  holds  up  the  organ.  Next 
minute  the  whole  lot  have  vanished,  and  the  brown  beast  is  left  per- 
fectly helpless.  The  cure  was  soon  effected,  for  the  wretches  tell  one 
another  everything  (as  where  there  is  a  sick  person  who  will  pay  for 
silence,  or  where  a  man  who  writes  will  give  anything  for  peace),  and 
we  have  not  had  an  organ  here  for  weeks  and  weeks.  Recommending 
the  invention, 

"  I  am,  dear  Sir,  yours  truly. 

"OLD  MOROSE." 
"Rhododendron  Square,  Bayawater.  It'." 


PUNCH,    Oil   THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


25,  1857. 


THE    COURSE    OF    TRUE,    8tc.,    NEVER    DID,    &c. 

HEKE'S  TOOK  YOUNG  WIGGLES  ANXIOUS  TO  MEET  THE  BEING  HE  ADORES,  BUT  CANNOT  DO' so,  BECAUSE  THE  NEWLY-PITCHED  BOAT 

UPON   WHICH   HE   HAS  BEEN   SITTING,   HAS   CAUGHT   HIM  ALIVE   0  ! 


A  BOY'S  PETITION. 

"DEARPlJNCIT, 

"  You  are  a  jolly  old  chap,  and  a  friend  to  boys.  Now  I  say, 
old  fellow,  will  you  just  give  the  governor  a  hint  not  to  bother  us  with 
Latin  and  that,  out  of  school  hours  ?  I  don't  think  it 's  fair  to  a  fellow. 
Look  here.  I  had  come  home  on  Saturday  to  go  with  the  girls  to  see 
the  Frozen  Deep  (and  capitally  well  it  was  acted  too,  I  can  tell  you), 
and  pii  Monday  morning  we  were  all  at  breakfast.  The  governor  was 
reading  the  paper,  and  he  comes  to  a  Latin  inscription  to  be  stuck  on 
some  hospital  for  the  orphans  of  soldiers.  'Here,  Charley,'  says  ue, 
'  what's  orbaa?'  Well,  Mr.  Punch,  one  doesn't  remember  everything 
at  a  minute's  notice,  so  I  said  'worlds.'  'Ah,'  says  the  governor, 
in  his  dry  way,  '  they  are  building  an  hospital  to  put  worlds  into 
— sick  worlds,  I  suppose.  Perhaps,  worlds  the  Comet  has  hit ;  and 
so  he  went  on,  looking  at  me,  and  the  girls  giggling  like  idiots 
as  they  always  do  when  he  says  anything,  never  mind  whether 
it 's  good  or  not,  of  course  they  must  laugh  if  the  governor  says  it. 
Presently  he  hands  me  over  the  paper,  and  requests  me  to  give  a  free 
translation  of  the  inscription.  Well,  I  felt  sulky,  and  a  chap  oughtn't 
to  be  asked  such  tilings  when  he 's  at  breakfast ;  but  the  sins  all  kept 
laughing,  and  mother  looked  as  if  she  'd  like  me  to  come  off  creditably ; 
and,  as  there  was  the  English  inscription  below,  I  squinted  at  that  for 
a  crib.  But  I  was  sold,  for  the  Latin  began— 

"  Ne  quas  paterni  consilii 

Et  tutelar  orb«s 

Reliqiiit  mors  patrnm  prsematura 
Juvtntuto  inculta," — and  so  on. 

and  the  English  began  about  the  Orphan  daughters  of  soldiers,  seamen, 
and  marines  of  the  realm  now  and  henceforth.  So  I  boggled  a  bit,  and 
then  a  good  thought  struck  me,  and  I  said  that  I  could  give  them  a 
general  notion  of  the  meaning,  but  the  Latin  was  so  shy  that  trans- 
lation was  out  of  the  question.  Well,  they  all  laughed,  and  the 
governor,  who  is  not  a  bad  fellow,  saw  how  it  was,  and  let  me  down 
easy,  saying  he  wanted  the  paper.  But  I  say,  wasn't  it  prime 
when  a  letter  came  out  on  Thursday  cutting  trie  inscription  all  to 


pieces,  showing  that  <zde  was  wrong,  and  ac  was  cacophonous,  and  the 
words  did  not  explain  what  class  of  people  the  hospital  was  lor.  Jolly, 
wasn't  it,  and  didn't  I  cut  out  the  letter  and  send  it  to  the  governor? 
But  this  was  all  luck.  I  say,  say  a  kind  word  for  us,  and  tell  the  old 
ones  not  to  trot  us  out  when  nre  come  home,  that 's  a  good  chap,  as  it 
makes  a  fellow  look  like  a  fool  before  the  girls.  All  of  us  take  you  in 
regularly. 

"  I  am,  my  dear  Punch,  yours  truly, 

"BLOBB  SECUNDUS." 


TURNPIKE  TRICKS  ON  TRAVELLERS. 

GENTLEMEN  taking  cabs  from  the  theatres  to  any  part  of  t  lie  suburbs 
so  far  from  Town  thatthev  will  have  to  pass  through  two  turnpikes  to 
reach  it,  are  recommended  to  set  their  watches  accurately  at  starting. 
Watches  thus  set  will  be  traps  to  catch  turnpike  thieves.  I<or  the 
first  gate  will  clear  the  second,  if  the  second  is  passed  before  12  at 
night,  but  not  otherwise  ;  and  at  the  second  of  two  gates  on  one  par- 
ticular road,  Mr.  Punch,  from  personal  experience,  is  very  much 
afraid  that  it  is  customary  to  put  the  hand  of  the  clock  on  at  midnight 
for  the  purpose  of  extorting  an  undue  threepence.  There  can  be  no 
harm  done,  at  any  rate,  in  se.  ing  that  your  watches  are  true,  even  if 
that  precaution  should  not  issue  in  proving  a  turnpike  man  false, 
and  getting  him  sent  to  the  House  ot  Correction  for  having  swind- 
led you.  ^_____ 

A  HERO'S  JOKE. 

IF  brevity  is  the  soul  of  wit,  SIR  COLIN  CAMPBELL,  when  in  answer 
to  the  question,  how  soon  he  could  start  for  India,  he  answered, 
"  To-morrow ! "  uttered  one  of  the  smartest  recorded  pieces  of  ready  wit. 


SIMILIA  SIMILIBUS.— They  are  treating  the  Oidium  Vinear'mm,  or  vine 
disease,  successfully  with  sulphur— probably  from  the  very  general  use 
of  brimstone  in  bad  cases  of  Oidium  Theologicum." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.-JoLY  25,  1857. 


EVERY   INCH   A   SOLDIER. 

PAH  (Boors  A.T  THE  BBITISII  LION).  "HERE'S    YOUR   HOT    WATER,    SIR," 
SIB  COLIN.   "ALL    RIGHT.    I'VE  BEEN   READY   A   LONG   TIME." 


JULY  25,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


37 


PUPPYISMS    FOR    THE    DOG-DAYS. 

By  One  who  is  cxtrrmely  Cool. 

HE    Kuturo  ia  the  L<aiid  oF  Pro- 
mise to  ull   such   poor  devils  at* 
ra,      cxilcH,      bilMioldere, 
\     creditors,     heira,    and 
lovers. 

StupMity  7iiust  be  contacfioiw, 
for  if  yitu  nmino.  a  witty  fellow  u 
always  luss  happy  in  the  company 
of  fon  IB. 

Love  U  a  heart-complair.t,  of 
which  the  cure,  by  Jovu !  is  fre- 
quently ui'-ru  painful  than  the 
disease  itself, 

A  Coquette  only  jilte  herself 
when  she  marrirg  the  fellow  she 

"inised  U>  marry. 
A  Frenchman  has  two  kinds  of 
Love — hi**  amour  and  his  amour - 
propre.  The  latter  is prap> 
and  it  is  so  cullo  i  to  dials 
it  from  the  other  amour,  which, 
genei  ally  »|>e;ik.ir.K,i«y»ropr«<>r&7i. 
WlK-n  VDII  h-  :ii  :i  drunken  mail 
vowing  tenii  may  be 

sure  his  vows  are  written  only  in 
water — effervescing  water,  with  a 
very  strong  proportion  of  brandy 
iu  it. 

Ridicule  is  like  mud— the  chap 
must  bo  clever  indeed,  who,  let 
;ill  his  w:iys  be  picked  as  gin- 
gerly as  possible,  doesn't  come  in 
f. n-  S'UNcsiiMll  portion  of  it.  Fre- 
quently those  who  try  to  avoid  it 
tiiu  nmjt,  receive  the  an 

There  are  men,  whose  iluv:ition  in  )i[»*  only  tends  to  lower  them  iu  the  social  scale.     Their  rise 
is,  seemingly,  troni  the  Pit  only  to  the  Gallery. 

Love  is  such  a  beggar,  that  when  you  have  given  him  all  you  have,  lie  still  goes  on  begging 
for  more. 

Too  mur.h  zeal  is  suspicious.    The  man,  who  cries  "Stop  Thief  !  "  the  loudest,  not  unfrcquently 
turns  out  to  be  the  Tliief  himself. 


BLACK  PLUSH. 

THE  Clergy  are  dreadfully  alarmed  at  the  prospect  of  being  obliged  to  celebrate 
the  marriages  of  divorced  persons,  contrary  to  what  many  of  them  believe  to  be 
the  rule  of  Christian  doctrine.  Very  hard,  no  doubt,  it  is  to  compel  them  so 
to  violate  their  consciences,  and  to  oblige  them  to  profane  the  matrimonial  service, 
as  they  must  do  if  they  read  it  over  those  who,  in  marrying,  actually  break  their 
marriage  vows.  But  there  is  no  occasion  to  be  terrified  by  the  prospect  of  being 
obliged  to  do  any  such  thing.  They  are  obliged  to  do  it  already,  and  always  have 
been  from  the  time  when  divorces  it  vinculo  were  first  granted  by  the  House  of 
Lords.  The  mischief  is  done ;  they  have  acquiesced  in  the  wrong  and  the  profana- 
tiou.  Their  conscience  is  lost  mutton  and  gone  goose.  They  have  partaken  in 
iniquity,  and  known  it,  not.  As  long  as  they  had  to  marry  none  but  fashionable 
and  wealthy  sinners  divorced  by  the  Honse  of  Lords,  the  wickedness  which  they 
were  compelled  to  commit  in  so  doing  never  struck  them.  Now  that  it  is  proposed 
to  oblige  them  to  do  the  same  office  for  vulgar  transgressors,  separated  from  wife 
or  husband  by  a  common  tribunal,  the  hardship  of  the  obligation,  and  the  sinful- 
ness  of  the  performance,  for  the  first  time  occur  to  them.  They  remarried  LADT 
I'Yi/nnAfioN  that  was,  LORD  FITZDRAGOU  being  yet  alive,  to  COLOXEL  GALLIVANT, 
in  unconscious  innocence;  but  now  that  they  see  a  probability  of  being  obliged  to 
much  for  her  that  was  the  wife  of  SMITH,  but  is  not  his  widow,  and  her 
paramour  JOKES,  they  are  horrified  at  the  bare  idea.  Surely,  a  very  considerable 
portion  of  the  clerical  body  should  cut  their  cloth,  and  induct  themselves  into 
plush. 

The  fact  is,  that  the  Reverend  Gents  have  committed  laches  in  this  matter,  and 
what  they  ought  to  petition  the  House  of  Commons  for  is,  that  they  may  no  longer 
be  held  under  that  necessity  of  profaning  the  marriage  service,  and  disobeying  the 
commands  of  Christianity,  which  they  have  so  long  submitted  to. 


FLOWERS  OF  FASHIONABLE  INTELLIGENCE. 

A   SWELL  was  married  the  other  day—  of  course  at  All  Swells  Church  ;  that. 
is  to  say,  N  .    Ibnover  Square.     The  case  was  reported,  as  usual  in  such 

orning  Post,  with  a  description  of  the  bride's  and  bridesmaids' 
i  out  that  the  trousseau  was  of  the  most  complete 
•h,-  character.     It  took  only  one  parson  to  celebrate  this  "Marriage 
igh  Life,"  as  the  Post  called  it  in  Flunkeyish—  to  buckle  Swell  with  Belle'  it 
ally  takes  two  ;  but  our  fashionable  contemporary  informs  us  that— 

bridal  group  having  formed  around  tho  altar,  the  service  was  impressively  read  by  the 
ND  TAI.BOT  BAKER." 

We  should  like  to  know  what  the    chroniclers  of  fashionable  life  mean  by 

ymg  that  the  service,  was   "impressively  read,"  as  they  generally  relate  it   to 
lave  been  on  the  occasion  of  a  marriage  between  a  couple  of  the  superior  classes. 
We   are  very   much  afraid  that  mouthing  and  moaning  the  service  is  the  manner 
I  reading  it  which  is  si  vied  "impressive"  by  the  journalist  who  descri; 
trousseau  as  recherche. 


in  Hi 
gener 

"  Tho 
REVEREN 


"  MERRILY  WE  LITE  THAT  SOLDIERS  BS." 

Mu.  l'i  M  ii  is  happy  to  find  that  the  determination  of  the 
UUKK  or  CAMISUIIH,!:,  Commander-in-Chief,  to  have  the 
expenses  of  the  mess-table  reduced,  meets  with  so  much 
approbation  from  the  Service.  Everywhere  the  dinners  are 
now  conceived  in  a  spirit  of  economy.  1  did  not 

roast  turnips  on  his  Subine  farm,  frugality  not  having  been 
the  order  of  hi.i  da\,  but  our  7iiihtar>  LrcULLl  are  prepared 
to  submit  to  the  most,  severe  privations  rather  than  infringe.. 
llie  rule  of  their  chief.  Iu  proof  that  this  is  no  idle  boast, 
Mr.  Punch  has  pleasure  in  siibjuining  the  eopy  of  the 
carte  at  a  mess-din  -n  by  the  officers  of  one 

of  the  most  gallant  regiments  of  the  line. 

The  document,  for  the  authenticity  of  which  3Fr.  Punch 

attention  of 

ALEXIS  SOIKI;.  The  dinner,  it  should  be  mentioned, 
WHS  the  OIK;  which  immediately  followed  the  receipt  of 
H.li.U's.  admonitory  circular. 


y 

if 

k 


•p. 

TOURBOT. 

SOUPS. 
OYSTER:  Jn 

FIRST    COURSE. 
BOILED  BEEF. 

BOILED  LAMB. 
FILLET  or  VEIL. 


HAM. 


T*TB  DE  VEAP, 

Siiuoe  Pi.juautc. 


BOILKD  TCRKEY, 

Culyry  Sauce. 


BOAST  HADHCH  ENGLISH  MUTTON. 
FISH. 

Kol  KS. 


SECOND    COURSE. 
DOCKS. 

GALANTINE  DE  POISSON. 
ROAST  BABBITS. 

GALANTINE  DE  POCLET. 
SCOLLOPED  OYSTKIB. 

Forijcr  AU  CuasoN. 


f 

SI 


ECCLESIASTICAL  GAMES. 

A  MOVEMENT  has  been  set  on  foot  among  some  of  the 
clerical  body  for  the  revival  of  a  pretty  mediaeval  pastime. 
Parliamentary  intelligence  includes  a  statement  that : — 


The  good  old  sport  which  the  Oxonian  ecclesiastics  wish 
restored,  is  the  game  of  Bell,  Book  and  Candle.  Should 
Parliament  accede  to  their  request,  these  gentle  shepherds 
of  that  Arcadian  district  the  rural  deanery  of  Oxford  will 
doubtless  want  to  revive  a  little  more  of  the  fun  of  Merrie 
England  in  the  olden  time,  and  perhaps  their  next  request 
to  the  Legislature  will  be  for  the  renewal  of  Fire  and  I 
Fagot. 


3S 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  25,  1857. 


WHIT  AN  ARTIST  HAS  TO  PUT  UP  WITH. 

"01  looVee  'ere,  Jane,  'ere  'a  one  of  them  If  acrobats  a-goin'  to  do  the  ladder-trick  I " 


THE  MORAL  OF  MAYO  ELECTION. 

FAREWELL,  MR.  MOORE, 

At  the  back  of  the  door 
Of  St.  Stephen's  I  see  you  delighted. 

I  'm  glad  that  the  nope 

Of  the  priests  and  the  POPE, 
In  your  loss  of  your  seat,  hus  been  blighted. 

Y«>ur  priests  find  the  plan, 

To  curse  and  to  ban, 
And  threaten  excommunication, 

Is  best  let  alone; 

You're  ousted,  och  hone  ! 
Because  of  their  intimidation. 

Of  them  there  are  two, 

Still  worse  off  than  you, 
Which  my  satisfaction  doth  double; 

Their  scandalous  tricks 

Have  put  them  in  a  fix ; 
They  're  likely  to  get  into  trouble. 

So  now,  MOORE,  begone ; 

A  new  era  will  dawn, 
Of  freedom  for  PAT  from  subjection, 

To  such  rabid  beasts, 

As  those  pretty  priests. 
Who  tampered  with  Mayo  Election. 


A  Libel  on  the  Sex. 

WE  see  a  book  advertised  under  the  scandalous  title 
of  "  A  WOMAN'S  STORY."  Now  it  is  a  notorious  fact 
that  women  never  do  tell  Stories.  They  may  tell  "a 
fib "  occasionally — but  as  for  "  a  Story,"  it 's  a  moral 
impossibility.  The  worst  is,  the  Story  must  be  a  thump- 
ing big  one,  for  we  see  by  the  advertisement  that  it 
fills  3  Vols.  It  pains  us  to  say  that  MRS.  S.  C.  HALL 
(the  delinquent  in  question— and,  without  question,  a 
very  great  delinquent)  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  herself ! 
The  libel  on  her  own  sex  is  so  outrageous,  that  we 
eannot  help  saying,  with  the  greatest  indignation  — 
"Pis!" 


QUITE  A  NEW  CRY. 

ONE  of  pur  contemporaries,  describing  one  of  the  Royal  visits,  says 
most  gushingly  :— 
"  There  came  into  our  eye  an  involuntary  half-tear." 

We  have  heard  many  persons  say  that  they  had  "half-a-mind" — we 
have  also  heard  many  a  person  called  "  half-a-fool," — but  "  half-a-tear  " 
is  a  decided  novelty  in  this  "Vale  of  Tears !  "  Por  ourselves,  we  little 
suspected  that  a  tear  could  be  torn  in  two,  like  a  Bank-note.  Perhaps, 
our  crying  correspondent  kept  the  other  half  himself,  so  that  the  two 
halves  may  be  matched  together  on  some  future  cry  ?  or  it  may  be, 
that  the  other  half  was  in  the  other  eye ;  for  if  you  notice,  the  poor 
fellow,  who  fathoms  his  grief  with  such  an  accurate  plumb  line,  only 
alludes  to  one  eye.  We  suppose  a  half-tear  is  shed  when  one  has  had 
only  "  half-a-dinner  " — or,  perhaps,  it  appropriately  occurs  when  one  is 
"half-seas-over?"  Anyhow,  the  absurdity  is  too  "good  by  half"  not 
to  be  further  encouraged.  We  hope  our  semi-lachrymose  tear-shedder 
will  next  favour  us  with  expression  of  sorrow  as  nicely  subdivided  as 
the  following:— "Our  bosom  heaved  with  a  three-quarter  sigh,"  or, 
"  We  couldn't  well  speak  for  the  -|  emotion  that  oppressed  us." 


Stooping  for  Strawberries. 

IN  some  of  the  suburbs  admission  to  strawberry  beds,  with  right  of 
eating  at  discretion,  may  be  had  for  1.?.  or  Is.  fvl.  These  may  be  re- 
munerative prices  to  ask  from  persons  whose  liberty  to  eat  as  many 
strawberries  as  they  please  is  accompanied  by  the  necessity  of  having 
to  pick  them.  Although  1*.  may  be  enough  to  demand  from  gentlemen 
over  forty,  boys  under  eighteen  should  be  charged  5.». 


The  Thing  that  should  Bind  the  two  Nations  together. 

FREDERICK  PEEL,  when  he  was  taken  to  the  Atlantic  Submarine 
Telegraph  Company's  Office,  and  saw  the  miles  upon  miles  of  iron-wire 
cable,  shook  Ins  head  most  ominously,  and  a  tear  was  observed  to 
steal  into  his  manly  eye,  as  he  said  in  a  tone  of  the  deepest  despon- 
dency :  '  Ah  !  ah !  A  sad  mistake— it  should  have  been  Red  Tape ! " 


GOLDSMITH'S  GOLD. 

SUBSCRIPTIONS  for  the  remotest  descendants  of  great  men  being  now 
so  common,  we  have  no  hesitation  in  soliciting  the  public  attention  to 
a  young  lady  who  is  evidently  one  of  the  posterity  of  the  Vicar  of 
Wakefield. 

She  is  a  native  of  Hamburgh,  and  advertises  that  she  would  like 

"  To  engage  herself  in  a  respectablu  English  family,  to  teach  the  French  and 
German  languages,  in  exchange  for  boaid  alid  lodging,  and  the  opportunity  of 
learning  English." 

The  eldest  son  of  the  Vicar  nf  Wakpfie'd  went  to  Holland  to  teach 
English  to  the  Dutch,  but  forgot,  until  his  arrival,  that  he  could  not 
speak  to  them.  The  amiable  young  advertiser  is  clearly  of  his  kith 
and  kin. 

Let  all  who  have  admired  the  Vicar  of  Wakffeld  send  their  contri- 
butions to  Mr.  Punch,  85,  Fleet  Street.  He  will  take  care  that  thev 
are  applied  with  the  utmost  delicacy ;  in  fact,  nobody  shall  ever  hear  of 
them  again. 

The  Harrow  Turn-out. 

LORD  PALMERSTON,  in  acknowledging  his  health,  drunk  in  his 
original  character  of  "  a  Harrow  boy  "  at  the  last  annual  festival  of 
the  Harrovians,  declared  that  no  other  public  school  in  the  Kingdom 
had  had  the  good  fortune  to  turn  out  such  men  as  LORD  ABERDEEN, 
the  EARL  OF  KIPON,  and  the  late  SIR  ROBEBT  PEEL.  LOUD  PALMER- 
STON  is  modest ;  he  did  at  least  as  much  as  his  school  to  turn  out  two 
of  the  three  statesmen  mentioned. 


A  Resource  for  Some  Sovereigns. 

PRINCE  FREDERICK  WILLIAM,  of  Prussia,  was  presented  last  week 
with  the  freedom  of  the  City  of  London.  We  sincerely  hope  that  the 
husband  of  our  Princess,  at  least,  will  never  have  occasion  to  make  any 
use  of  the  rights  and  privileges  conferred  upon  him  in  making  him  that 
present.  Some  Continental  monarchs  would  perhaps  have  a  real  boon 
granted  them  in  being  empowered  to  set  up  shop,  in  a  possible  contin- 
gency, within  the  jurisdiction  of  the  LORD  MAYOR. 


JOLT  25,  1857.] 


;CII.   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


3'J 


JURY    TORTURE. 

\<;    clear    of    th 

pangai 

I  lie  proverbial   "  WIM!' 
Our    ancestors,"    we 

re  think  tii  i 

of  their   proceeding! — and 
more 

their  legal  proc 
cannot      be     denied 
showed    themselves 
fnol.-.      AVd    will    not    iu- 
•    tin  ir     crciition     of 
that  famous  pair  of  inuhs, 
JOHN    DDK   and   KICHAKD 
was  once 

common  l;iw  ha*,  u'lu-n 
to   common  ;.il  we 

1 1  from  our 

law     courts     those     twin 
heroes  of  ejectment..      Nor 
,     of    their 
i  if  such  manifest 
!  i  lilies    as    have   been 
handed  down    in  many  of 
their    legal    maxims,    such 
for  instance  as  the  propo- 
sition that  "  a  king  can  do 

no  wrong;"  an  assertion  which  our  railway  kings,  not  to  mention 

higher,  me  constantly  refuting.     \Ve  would  rather  cite  as 

ut  of  wisdom,   the  prescribed  mode  ot 

ut  of  non-agreeing  jurors,  to  which  our  notice  is  directed  by  a 

recent  case  in  point. 

"What  can  he  more  absurd  than  locking  up  twelve  hungry  men  until 
Iliey  think  alike,  and  expecting  to  elicit  a  true  verdict  by  starvation.-' 
Who  could  give  his  mind  to  the  merits  of  a  ease,  ,'iud  calmly  weigh  the 
evidence  in  the  unbiassed  scales  of  justice,  when  his  brain,  is  half  dis- 
u  ings  of  his  stomach,  and  all  that  he  can  think  of  is 
the  prospect  of  his  dinner?  As  for  carefully  discussing  the  facts  and 
probabilities  which  by  witnesses  ami  counsel  ha  !''i  laid  before 

him,  he  feels  only  fit  for  the  discussion  of  a  beef-steak  and  potato.  A 
verdict  so  obtained  is  the  result  not  of  conviction,  but  of  physical  con- 
cession. Agreement  of  opinion  is  produced  by  sheer  exhaustion  of  the 
pint  ers  of  discussion.  As  confessions  were  extorted  by  the  pin.chings 
of  the  thumbscrew,  so  are  verdicts  still  extracted  by  the  pinchings  of 
the  appetite.  Englishmen  cry  shame  upon  KING  BOMBA  and  his 
silence-cap,  yet  their  own  law  sanctions  even  now  the  appliance  of  a 
torture  hardly  less  unbearable.  We  think  with  horror  of  the  time 
reed  to  speak  by  the  loading  of  the  chest,  but  the 
same  thing  still  is  done  by  emptying  the  stomach. 

Now  we  will  not  waste  our  wonder  on  the  fact  that  jury  torture  has 

outlived   the   application   of   the   thumbscrew  on    our    count rymen. 

Mi  hough  a  proved  absurdity,  and  as   little  in  accordance  with  the 

spirit,  of  the  age  as  the  wearing  of  chain  armour,  or  of  dress-coats  with 

bright  buttons,  we  cannot  feel  surprised  that  the  practice  still  exists. 

The  uncertainty  of  law  has  passed  into  a  proverb,  and  in  nothing  is 

more  capriciously  uncertain  than  in  the  manner  of  its  bit  by 

bit  amend):!!-  r,  is  that  lawyers  do  not 

take  i  i,f  the  means  which  jury  starving  offers  to  divert 

it  is  obvious  that  while  the  lock-up  system  lasts, 

with  the  jury  a  mere  trial  of  strength  ;  and  one 

•led  juror  might  starve  eleven  others,  if  in  less  good 

acquiescence  with  his  way  of  thinking.     As  a  good 

!nM.  through  a  bad  constitution,  jurors   fairly  might   be 

'or  looking  weak  or  hungry;  and  clients  might  insist  on 

e  being  put  in  proper  training  to  endure  con- 

tinued  fasting.     .Means  too  might  bethought  of  to  supply  concealed 

would  ensure  still  more  a  favourable  verdict.     A 

dip  into  .1  sandwich  tin.  could  hardly  pass  unnoticed,  but  in  a  pinch,  a 

snuff-b  nice.    A  furtive  quid  of  grated  beef 

could  scarcely  be  even  by  the  sharpest-eyed  or  sharpest- 

!J  ;  and  nutrition  might"  he,  taken  in  a  grain  or  two  of 

liol    ill.-   DUKE  o»  N<u;n>uc  found  so  exceedingly 

s'lppni"  "ild  be  feasible,  moreover,  for  a  juror  with  a  cough 

(Which,  of  Tramata,  might,  h.  dy  got.  up  for  the 

into  Court  with  him  a  quantity  of  jujubes :  or  he 

i  with  a  pocketful  of  portable  soup,  chopped 

into  lil  ,'iily  to  pass  as  being  lozcrm-s.     In  this 

.ii-r  hunger-proof,  he  would  easily  be  able  to  li.ild  out,  against 
at  ion  would  eventually  of  course  be 
driven  -.'.  ith  him. 

Knowing  \vhat  we  do  of  legal  ingenuity,  it  surprises  us,  we  own, 

..(it  loi:g  ago  been  acted  on.     We 


really  cannot  see  that  then-  would  be  much  want,  of  principle  in  putting 
them  in  practice.  "  All  "s  fair  in  love,"  and  in  law  not  less  so  ;  and  to 
gain  the  suit  in  either  ca.M-  all  stratagems  are  sanctioned.  Besides,  a 
verdict  now  becomes  the  mere  result  of  chance:  depending  in  great 
measure  upon  how  the  jury  slept  the  night  before  the  trial,  > 
what  so.  Mast,  they  hare  eaten.  A  strong  case  maybe  lost 

through  the  accident  of  some  of  them  having  a  weak  appetite,  and  a 
;'s  rest  must  certainly  conduce  to  the  pronouncing  of  an  uu- 

cd  verdict.     It  seems  to  us,  therefore,  that  whut   we   have 

.•d  would  reduce  i  what  is  a' 

aud  moreover,  it  would  have  (lie  turthcr  merit  of  mitigating  somewhat 
the  ordeal  by  famine  to  which  c\cry  juror  is  at  present  subject.  .Oil 
which  account  we  cannot  ial  inti- 

mation from  the  heads  of  the  Humane  Society  that,  they  intend  forth- 
with to  invite  us  to  a  dinner,  and  present  us  with  a  medal  for  our 
merciful  113  for  the  relief  from  hungcr-toiture  of  all  noil- 

agreeing  jui 


,0  CARTRIDGES  Ol'  THE  CONTINENT. 

\Vrni  superstitious  fury  lired 

By  provocation  slight, 
Our  Sepoys  mutiny — required 

Qreased  cartridges  to  bite. 

Soldiers,  the  POPE'S  detested  reign, 

The  Austrian's  hated  yoke, 
And  erne  w  ho  maintain : 

Like  cause  might  you  provoke. 

That  Italy  may  still  lie  chained, 

And  Tyrants  govern  v, 
Will  you,  with  brethren's  murder  stained, 

Bite  cartridges — how  long  ? 

(The  right  of  translating  the  above  lines  is  not  reserved  by  the  Author.) 


A   COMPLIMENT. 


TUMID   THINGS. 


WOLF! 

Da.  ALDIS  writes  thus  to  the  Times  .-— 

"  I  venture  .  .  .  to  call  your  attention  to  the  opeu  state  of  the  King's  scholars' 
poud  sewer  iieur  Lupus  Struct,  PimUco,  which  is  a  great  public  nuisance." 

The  doctor  proceeds  to  describe  the  subject  of  his  complaint  as 
emitting  an  "  intolerable  stench."  For  one  street  in  the  metropolis, 
Lupus  Street  is  appropriately,  if  not  happily,  named,  because  Lupus  is 
not  only  Latin  for  wo)}',  but  is  also  the  uosological  term  for  an  affection 
of  the  olfactory  organ. 


A  Very  Pretty  Sentiment. 

(For  which  we  tXjtect  no  e,id  of  pretty  praentt.) 

BETWEEN  a  Man's  Love  and  a  Wormn's  Love,  there  is  all  the  difference  between 
lending  and  giving.  With  woman.  Love  is  a  gift, — with  m:in  it  i.s  only  u  loan.  '1  he 
lo  in  is  lor  the  moment,  or  for  Coat  particular  evening,  or,  it  may  be  lor  six  monttos, 
or,  perhaps,  as  long  as  sU  yoars ;  but  with  woiuau,  the  gift  is  one  that  Uuta  all 
her  life. 

Teaching  the  Young  Idea  How   to  Shoot. 

MR.  HENRY  DRUMMOND,  M.P.,  was  never  more  eccentric  than  in 
his  Speech  at  the  Harrow  Dinner,  ridiculing  "neologies,  zoologies, 
•aid  all  such  trash  from  Germany,"  and  advising  us  Unions  to  "stick 
to  our  longs  and  shorts."  It  is  clear  MR.  DRUMHOND  thinks  that  the 
only  mode  of  mental  culture  is  by  Harrow. 


ONE  of  the  Tour-in-Hand  Club,  who  happened  to  be  standing  by  as 
ie  Member  for  Oxford  drove  away  from  the  House  of  Commons, 
inied  with  more  smartness  than  we  had  given  liim  credit  for, 
"  U'nut  a  NJSATE  turn-out  !  " 


ISBJKL  IN  ST.  STEPHEN'S. 

VI.LY,  noble  LonU  ouirht,  to    consider  that  if  the  Jews  were 
admitted  into  Parlium  .  ould  be  vcn  .serviceable,  in  expedit- 

ing public  business.    They  would  discount  so  many  bills ! 


CarsoLTirES  appear  to  IISTC  been  so  generally  adopted  by  ladies  witli 
a  view  of  acquiring  the  title,  hitherto  engrossed  by  dandies  of  the 
stronger  sex,  of  \. 


40 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON   CIIARIVAKI. 


[JULY  25,  1857. 


**-^  ~— L     -      **  -•  ,-- 

V' 

"*- 


Young  Lady.  "  Now  THEN,  GIRLS,  JUST  LET  ME — 

Girl  (Merrupting,  before  the  word. '  I-ASS  "  cau  escape  the  lips  of  the  fair  Pedestrian).  "Ou !  IT  AIN'T  KO  USB  YOUR  TRYING  A  TURN, 
Miss.    THERE  ISN'T  ABOVE  8BWM»TAKK  IN  BKTSY  SIMM- 


THE  FOOL'S  HEAD 

FROM  the  advertising  columns  of  a  contemporary,  we  extract  the 
following  rather  comic  appeal  to  the  vanity  of  simpletons : — 

NO  MORE  GREEN,  RED,  OR  PURPLE-DYED  HAIR.— NOTICE.— 
Any  Lady  or  Gentleman  who  has  been  Bo^rfortunate  as  to  have  their  h;iir 
dyed  any  of  the  above-named  colours  now  so  common,  by  the  use  of  spurious  imita- 

tionsof 'B  TYRIAN  LIQUID  HAIR  DYK,  can  have  it  restored,  free  of  chiiixo,  to 

a  native  brown  or  bUck  t<»  defy  detection,  by  applying  at  his  Subscription  Hair- 
Cutting  and  Hair-Dyeing  Rooms, .     Hair  und  whiskers  dyed  on  the  most 

reasonable  terms  by  an  annual  subscription.    Price,  per  case,  os.  OiZ.,  Ss.,  1-2*.,  and 
1  guinea. 

We  suspect  that  our  friend,  the  proprietor  of  the  "  Tyrian  liquid 
hair  dye,"  must  have  been  induced  to  distinguish  it  with  the  splendid 
epithet  connecting  it  with  the  city  of  Tyre,  by  the  recommendation  of 
some  classical  wag  who  wished  to  hoax  him.  If  he  had  known  with 
what  colour  Tyrian  is  synonymous,  he  would  have  called  a  dye  intended 
to  transmute  that  colour  Anti-Tyrian.  The  imitations  of  a  dye  truly 
Tyrian  can  hardly  be  spurious  if  they  really  turn  hair  purple :  and  we 
cannot  understand  the  kindness  of  the  advertiser  in  offering  gratuitous 
remedy  to  the  victims  of  impostors  who  counterfeit  his  invention. 

If  it  is  a  fact  that  green,  red,  and  purple  are  now,  in  consequence  of 
the  use  of  hair-dyes  common  colours  of  liuman  hair,  it  is  a  melancholy 
fact ;  for  the  contents  of  that  head  whose  exterior  has  become  dis- 
coloured by  any  artificial  process,  must  be  very  scanty  or  very  weak. 
In  (act,  we  consider  dyed  hair  to  be  one  indication  of  softening  of  the 
brain,  the  consequence  of  inflammation  of  fliat  organ.  We  regard  the 
mere  idea  of  using  hair-dyes,  as  a  symptom  of  incipient  phrenit.is,  and 
advise  all  persons  oeginning  to  feel  dissatisfied  with  the  colour  of  their 
hair,  to  get  their  heads  shaved.  They  will  thus  procure  removal  of  the 
outer  complaint  and  relief  of  the  inner  disorder  at  the  same  time. 


REFORH  TOUR  LAWYERS'  BILLS. — There  is  one  consolidation  of  the 
statutes  that  would  be  very  useful — to  make  them  so  solid  that  no 
lawyer  could  drive  a  coach-and-six  through  them. 


NO  ART-NONSENSE ! 

MR.  RUSKIN  has  been  delivering  a  lecture  at  Manchester,  in  which, 
by  the  account  of  the  Timei,  he  "  contended  that  what  was  wanted  to 
foster  Art  was  a  truly  paternal  Government."  Now  MR.  RUSKIN  is  a 
great  critic  in  his  way,  but,  though  we  will  not  offer  him  an  old  piece 
of  advice  in  the  following  new  words ; — 

"  Let  not  MR.  RUSKIN 
Judge  above  the  buskin  : " 

we  must  request  that  he  will  not  att  empt  to  carry  more  canvas  than  that 
which  he  understands.  Fine  Art  is  a  fine  thing ;  but  the  reality  of 
Liberty  is  much  to  be  preferred  to  any  statue  or  picture,  or  any  num- 
ber of  pictures  or  statues,  of  any  tiling  in  Heaven  or  .Earth.  Liberty 
and  Oog  and  Magog,  and  the  sign  of  the  Marquis  of  Granhy,  before 
the  Moses  of  MICHAEL  ANGELO,  and  the  Transfiguration  of  RAPHAEL, 
or  even,  we  will  say  in  deference  to  MR.  RUSKIN,  before  all  the 
pictures  of  RAPHAEL'S  predecessors — and  a  paternal  Government. 
Representations  of  leaves,  and  flowers,  and  bark,  and  pebbles,  and 
excrescences  on  the  extremity  of  the  human  nose,  are  admirable 
tilings  in  their  way,  but  we  trust  that  Britons  will  ever  regard 
them  as  matters  of  intiuitely  less  consequence  than  Representative 
Institutions. 


IMPORTANT  ANNOUNCEMENT. 

MR.  PUNCH  lias  an  announcement  to  make  which  will  burst  upon 
the  world  like  a  thunder-clap.  It  is  of  too  tremendous  a  nature  to  be 
launched  upon  society  without  some  warning.  Whatever  may  happen 
in  India,  Jewry,  or  elsewhere,  this  will  be  the  event  of  the  year.  Is 
the  world  ready — are  its  nerves  composed  ?  Well,  then,  the  fact  is, 

that  Mr.  Punch,  is No.    The  announcement  is  of  too  solemn  a 

character  to  be  made  at  once.  We  will  reveal  the  mighty  secret  next 
week.  Meantime,  let  every  one  be  as  calm  as  he  can  after  such  an 
intimation.  Next  week  all  shall  be  told. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woborn  Place,  and  Fmlfrlrk  Jlullwt  Ei»n«,  of  N 
rrlu<era,  at   their  ODtce  in   I  orubara  Etrtet,  In   Ibe  ~ 
London.— SITUKBAT,  July  "bf  1667. 


>b  of  St.  Pnticrat,  In  the  (Vmlr  of  Middlim*. 
of  Wunefruva,  in  llie  Cny  of  Uudun.  and   rublUhed  bj'ihem  at  No.  t»,  Heet  Street,  in  tb«  Famh  of  Si,  Bridr,  in  tLc  Cur  •< 


19,  Queen'*  Ilond  Wett,  Rrfeni'*  Park,  both  in  the  PHI 


1,  1857.] 


PUXCII,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


41 


PHCEBE    AND    THE    PICNICS. 


Now  all  you  young  folks,  licar  tills  story  of  mine, 
'Tis  I  he  t;ilc  of  Miss  DARBY  and  HAL  HA/.EI.DIXE, 
Ami  the  lie  or  the  she  who  the  warning  despises 
Like  them  may  show  up  at  the  Summer  Assizes. 

'Tis  now  two  years  back,  when  as  blooming  as  HEBE 
She  went  to  a  pic-nic,  the  beautiful  PHOJBE, 
And  who  cut  her  chicken,  and  poured  out  her  wine, 
O,  who  but  young  HENRY,  the  bold  HA/.EI.DIXE  ? 

To  see  was  to  love  her  :  to  see  him,  to  love. 

But  ftis  was  no  match  that's  constructed  above  : 

For  her  father  objected,  and  kicked  up  a  shine 

At  the  thought  of  her  marriage  with  young  HA/ELDINE. 

I'.ut  PiiffiiiE  was  plucky,  and  stood  by  her  HAL, 
1  >espite  her  papa,  like  a  true-hearted  gal ; 
Ami  wrote  him  sweet  letters,  and  soon  did  begiu 
llehearsing  the  conjugal  grab  at  the  tin. 

Her  heart  being  open,  it  gushed  like  a  fount  in.^, 
She  wrote  for  ten  pound  and  for  "  kisses  past  counting," 
And,  amid  her  affection,  of  business  still  heedful, 
Again  in  her  postscript  she  asked  for  the  needful. 

In  October  that  followed,  she  fancied  her  shape 

Would  be  nicely  set  off  by  an  elegant  cape, 

But  Pa,  being  stingy,  allowed  her  to  pine, 

So  for  "  ten  pound  or  twenty  "  she  asked  HAZELDINE. 

Once  more,  it  appears,  she  appealed  to  the  purse 

Of  him  she  was  pledged  to,  for  better  for  worse'; 

And  concluded  a  letter  both  kindly  and  clever 

With  the  statement  that  PIKEIIE  "remained,  his  for  ever." 

The  marriage  was  fixed,  and  the  bridesmaids  were  caught, 
And  I'IHKBE'S  sweet  dresses  were  chosen  and  bought; 
lint  Love's  a  queer  boy,  and  he  cuts  rummy  capers, 
And  why  did  he  send  her  to  VERNON,  a  draper's? 

And  why  did  he  cause  at  a  pic-nic  to  rally 
Some  folks  in  the  Happy— no,  Habbcrley— Valley, 
And  why  to  make  wretched  poor  HA/.EI.DTNE'S  lot, 
\Vas  PJKKBE  invited  and  HA/.ELDINE  not? 

And  why  (O  you  Cnpid,  you  onght  to  be  stamped  on,) 
Did  Pun  ;  ,T  one  SAMUEL  HAMPTON, 

And  who  poured  her  wine  out,  and  who  sliced  her  ham, 
O,  who  but  the  Rival,  the  conquering  SAM  ? 

The  HAZELDIHB  star  from  that  hour  became  pale,' 
HAMPTON  Court-ing 's  so  pleasant,  'tis  sure  to  prevail ; 
And  HEXUY,  thrown  over,  deplored,  with  a  tear, 
The  loss  of  a  wife  with  £100  a-year. 

Not  long  with  a  tear  his  distress  did  he  bear, 
For  the  witnesses  prove  him  accustomed  to  swear ; 


And  he  goes  to  old  HAMMOX'S,  M iss  DAUBY  to  meet, 
And  he  uses  bad  words,  which  1  shall  not  repeat. 

And  he  acts  very  ooarse,  and  a  chain  that  did  deck 
Our  pretty  young  PIKKIIK.  he  tears  from  her  neck, 
And  in  struggle  unmanly  he  makes  her  hands  bleed, 
And  (I  'm  sorry  to  write  it)  he  bids  her  be  d'd. 

She  pays  back  his  loans,  to  the  utmost,  poor  lamb, 
And  straightway  she  weds  the  affectionate  SAM  ; 
When  HKSKV  the  wrathful,  whose  rage  grew  more  grim, 
Brings  au  action  for  breach  of  her  promise  to  him. 

'Twas  tried  down  at  Worcester  by  one  you  can't  bam  well, 
That  excellent,  keen-sighted  Judge,  BAUON  BKAMWI  1 1 . 
If  ever  I  'm  tried,  being  innocent,  ( )  ! 
May  B.  be  my  Judge ;  but  if  guilty, — why,  no. 

And  HAZELDIXE'S  brief  fell  to  one,  who  in  muddle's  tone 
Spoke  never,  the  winning  and  elegant  HUDDLESTOX, 
And  could  tactics  have  managed  the  merits  to  smother, 
One  H.  would  have  carried  the  verdict  for  t'other. 

But  the  HAX.ELDINE  star,  as  aforesaid,  was  pale, 
And  no  HUDDLESTON  eloquence  then  could  prevail, 
For  the  ease  came  out  badly,  as  badly  could  be. 
When  witnesses  came,  called  by  SKINNER,  Q.C. 

And  down  came  JUDGE  BRAMWELL,  like  Cedron  in  flood, 
And  trampled  the  case  of  the  plaintiff  to  mud ; 
Called  his  conduct,  as  proved,  both  unmanly  and  mean, 
And  the  action  the  weakest  his  lordship  had  seen. 

Then  the  jury  looked  happy  at  getting  their  cue 

From  the  Judge  on  the  bench,  so  should  I,  would  not  you  ? 

And  quickly  agreeing,  of  concord  made  sign, 

Kefusing  one  farthing  to  fierce  HAZELDINE. 

And  that  is  my  story.    I  know  we  shan't  quarrel 
If  I  venture  to  leave  out  the  evident  moral : 
Let 's  hope  that  H.  H.  will  get  mild,  and  a  wife, 
And  PIKEBE  and  SAMUEL  be  happy  for  life. 


PUNCH'S  ESSENCE  OF  PARLIAMENT. 

July  20,  Monday.  LORD  CAMPBELL,  ever  eager  to  rout  up  the  poor 
CHANCELLOR,  gave  him  notice  to  be  ready  next  night  upon  the  Jew 
question.  The  Thames  mud  was  put  into  the  hands  of  the  Lord 
Mayor  by  44  to  5,  and  a  Bill  for  making  the  Liverpool  corporation 
apply  the  Mersey  dues  to  their  original  object,  the  improvement  of  the 
harbour,  was  carried  by  23  to  15,  the  outcry,  usual  when  robbery  or 
jobbery  is  assailed,  being  raised  about  the  rights  of  private  property. 

Government  has  allowed  so  much  chattering  in  the  Commons,  that 
it  is  now  necessary  to  throw  over  the  Savings  Banks  Bill.  MR. 
BENTINCK  complained  that  the  country  was  not  adequately  defended, 
and  that  LORDPALMERSTON  was  neither  omniscient  nor  even  omnipotent, 
also  that  no  one  could  say  what  might  happen  in  the  next  few  weeks. 
There  was  some  desultory  talk  on  all  these  propositions,  and  PAM 
assured  the  House  that,  as  far  as  he  saw,  all  was  serene,  and  that  he 
was  sending  20,000  men,  of  all  arms,  to  India.  A  dull  debate  on  tke 
Chinese  war  followed,  and  Sin  C.  WOOD  seemed  rather  to  take  credit 
to  the  Government  for  that  war,  as  it  had  caused  troops  to  be  sent  to 
China,  which  troops  were  collared,  en  route,  and  would  be  most  useful 
in  India.  On  the  Wills  Bill  debate  the  persevering  BETHELL  made 
another  but  an  indirect  attempt  at  the  limitation  of  country  probate, 
but  the  Committee  would  not  hear  of  it,  and  he  had  to  abandon  his 
clause.  The  Chelsea  New  Bridge  Bill  (the  Bridge  to  Battersea  Park) 
was  read  a  second  time.  It  imposes  no  tolls  on  foot-passengers,  but 
it  is  thought  that  those  who  can  afford  vehicles  can  afford  the  two- 
pence to  go  over. 

Tuesday.  LORD  ST.  LEONARD'S  introduced  a  plan  for  simplifying,  as 
he  called  it,  the  title  to  real  property,  but  at  best,  (Punch  speaks  with  all 
deference  to  the  preternatural  conveyancing  knowledge  of  the  author  of 
Vendors  and  Purchasers,)  his  reforms  are  mere  tinkering,  and  what  is 
wanted  is  a  system  cognate  to  that  on  which  the  Encumbered  Estates 
Courts  in  Ireland  sell  a  title  that  is  good  against  all  the  lawyers  in  and 
out  of  Pandemonium. 

CAMPBELL  catechised  CRAXWORTII  touching  the  Jew  penalty  case, 
but  got  a  very  short  answer.  The  L.  C.  J.  impressively  warned  the 
House  of  Commons  against  trying  to  seat  a  Jew  by  resolution,  as  it 
would  expose  him  to  penalties  which  he,  CAMPBELL,  would  assuredly 
enforce,  and  then,  if  the  Commons  sent  him  to  Newgate  or  the  Tower, 
"  he  hoped  the  people  would  rise  in  his  defence."  BROUGHAM,  also, 
trusted  that  the  Commons  would  attempt  nothing  of  the  kind.  If 
CAMPBELL  should  wish  to  hide  himself,  for  a  time,  from  the  fury  of  the 


VOL.  xxxin. 


42 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  1,  1857. 


ii  come  to  85,  Fleet  Street,  where  lie  shall  be  safe 

1  we  would  not  give  much  for  the  seat  of  I  he 

nether  .-armcnt  of  the  Sc'tjcsnit-at-Arms  after  Toby  shall  have  been 

:s  unconstitutional  errand. 

LOBD  JOHX  RUSSELL  moved  for  leave  to  bring  in  his  device  for 

seating  M.  in:  ROTHSCHILD.     It  was,  of  course,  opposed  vigorously  by 

the  Coi.  ,  but  on  division,  triumphed  by  216  to  151,  majority 

92,   at  the   announcement  of  which,  numbers   the  opposition  began 

shout.ii i :  a  smaller  number  than  140,  the  majority  by 

which  the  Oaths  Bill  was  carried.    Meantime  the  BARON  takes   the 

Hundr  :i  paltry  operation  to  one  who  ordinarily  takes 

to  re-election  by  the  City.    The  old  attempt  to 

•ret   at  agricultural  statistics  is  revived,  but  MR.  CAIRD'S  Bill  is  not 

The  B.  F.  is  to  give  you  information,  if  he  likes. 

.  The  LORDS  have  inserted  a  clause  in  the  Great  Northern 

Kaihv.iy  Hill,  making  the  "preference"  Shareholders  as  liable  as  the 

common  ones  to  bear  the  losses  occasioned  by  RBDPATH'S  swindling. 

Miimons  struck  it  out,  on  the  principle,  that  the  rights  of  the 

preference  people  were  §»cred.    MOOHB,  of  Mayo,  being  ejected  from 

the.  House,  his  Sham,  the  Tenant  Right  Bill,  followed  him,  to-day. 

ftty.  CRANNY,  wishing  to  show  that  he  could  say  _ some- 
thing, came  put  with  a  bit  of  Latin.  Interest  reipublicee  ut  sit  finis 
.  This  was  the  satisfactory  answer  to  a  poor  man  who  was 
utterly  defrauded  of  justice  by  the  last  Chancellor's  having  delayed 
,it  for  lift een  months,  and  then  giving  it,  in  forgetfuluess,  in  an 
opposite  direction,  on  an  important  point,  to  that  in  which  he  had 
decided  at  the  hearing.  The  unhappy  petitioner  will  probably  translate 
CRANNY'S  Latin,  "It's  for  the  Interest  of  the  Public  that  judges 
should  Sit  and  Finish,  even  if  they're  obliged  to  order  Lights." 
BROUGHAM  brought  in  a  Bill  for  improving  the'Bankruptcy  Laws,  the 
chief  use  of  wliicli  seems  to  be  (like  that  of  a  gentleman's  country 
house)  to  "  make  improvements  "  therein. 

The  Superannuation  Swindle  came  up  at  the  morning  sitting,  and 
MR.  WILSON  laboured  vehemently,  and  with  a  profuse  expenditure  of 
figures,  to  show  that  the  civil  servants  had  no  ground  for  complaint. 
He,  however,  remarked  that  by  new  taxation,  the  salaries  might  be 
increased,  a  piece  of  impertinence  which  is  not  likely  to  be  forgotten 
by  MR.  WILSON'S  devoted  admirers.  The  debate  was  adjourned. 

The  miserable-looking  device  which  is  given  to  English  Military 
Members  of  the  Order  of  the  Bath  was  unfavourably  contrasted  with 
the  Silver  Star  given  to  the  French  decores,  and  LORD  PALMERSTON 
thought  there  might  be  improvement.  The  evening  was  devoted  to 
discussion  on  Money  Votes,  and  the  Government  fenced  and  shuffled 
with  questions  as  to  the  site  for  the  National  Gallery,  LEWIS  saying 
lie  had  not  seen  the  Commissioners'  Report,  and  GREY  that  he  had 
not  had  time  to  read  it.  ME,  CONISGHAM  pledged  himself  to  expel 
the  Royal  Academy  next  year,  unless  Government  saved  him  the 
trouble. 

if.  LORD  RAVENSWOHTH  complained  of  the  metropolitan  toll- 


gates.    Most  of  them,  he  said,  were  in  the  hands  of  one  LEVY,  a 

Jew,  who  as  his  Lordship  wittily  remarked,  Levied  contributions  on 

travellers.     He  was  about  to  make  other  epigrams,  such  as  that  this 

check  upon  gadding  about,  showed  that  the  tribe  of  LJSVI  hated  the 

t  ribe  of  GAD,  and  so  on,  but  LORD  GRANVILLE  stopped  him,  promising 

that  the  subject  should  receive  an  attention  not  merited  by  the  jokes. 

LORI)  FOKTESCUE  then  demanded  that  Government   should   erect  a 

j  monument  to  LORD  RAC.LAN.    LORD  PANMUKE  thought  that  precedent 

'  was  opposed  to  the  erecting  public  monuments  to  any  naval  or  military 

man  who  was  not  slain  in  battle.    It  is  difficult  to  read  such  trash 

with  patience.     LORD  RAGLAN  was  as  much  killed  in  the  discharge  of 

j  his  duty  as  any  of  the  heroes  who  died  in  the  Balaklava  charge.    We 

j  can  almost  excuse  LORD  DERBY  for  having  lost  his  temper,  and,  for 

the  sake  of  annoying  PANMURE,  having  aggravated  him  into  petulance, 

and  then  scolded  him  for  being  petulant,  as  he  did,  after  which  the 

DUKE  OF  BEAUFORT  reminded  the  Lords  that  LORD  PANMUBE  had 

always  behaved  ill  to  LORD  RAGLAN,  and  so  the  matter  ended. 

A  thousand  and  eighteen  electors  of  Oxford  city  voted  for  WILLIAM 
THACKERAY,  but  as  many,  and  sixty-seven  more,  having  supported  their 
old  Member,  MR.  CARDWELL,  the  latter  took  his  seat  this  evening. 
MR.  DISRAELI  refused  to  wait  until  the  next  Indian  mail  should  arrive 
before  discussing  the  Indian  question,  being  justifiably  afraid  that  the 
probable  arrival  of  good  news  might  give  Government  an  advantage. 
The  CHANCELLOR  or  THE  EXCHEQUER  stated  that  Government  was 
not  bound  to  carry  out  any  one  of  the  prize  designs  for  Public  Offices, 
and  would  dp  nothing  in  the  matter  this  Session.  We  hope,  however, 
that  the  prize-money  will  be  at  once  handed  over  to  the  gallant 
(drawing)  Boarders.  The  Divorce  Bill  was  then  moved,  for  second 
reading,  and  MR.  HENLEY  opposed  its  coming  on  this  Session, 
mentioning  among  other  reasons  that  6000  Clergymen  had  petitioned 
against  it.  VVe  attach  their  due  weight  to  professional  petitions 
against  alteration  in  established  forms,  and  remember  that  thousands 
of  Attorneys  petitioned  against  County  Courts.  Sm  G.  GREY  saw 
no  reason  for  delay,  the  Bill  having  been  thoroughly  discussed.  MR. 
GLADSTONE  felt  no  difficulty  as  to  the  principle  of  tiie  Bill,  and  there- 
fore, with  Gladstonian  logic,  deprecated  its  being  proceeded  with,  as 
did  MR.  BOWYER,  for  the  Catholics.  LORD  JOHN  MANNERS  justly 
remarked  that  marriage  was  an  Awful  thing.  LORD  STANLEY  thought 
that  the  objection  of  the  Clergy  was  not  so  much  to  divorce  as  to  their 
having  to  marry  divorced  people,  which  was  a  generous  but  Quixotic 
defence  of  those  whom  LORD  ALBEMAKLE  declared  to  be  grossly 
j  ignorant  persons.  The  Crown  lawyers  and  those  who  desire  to  ibe 
i  such,  had  a  set-to,  tin  le  point  whereof  was  SIR  R.  BETIIELL'S 

:  calling  the  attention  of  the  House  to  tin:  fact,  that  MR.  GLADSTONE 
perspired  a  good  deal  in  speaking,  and  then  PALMERSTON  apprised  the 
House  that  the  Bill  shouldoe  proceeded  with,  late  as  was  the  period 
of  the  Session,  adding  that  he  remembered  sitting  until  the  middle  of 
September.  After  these  terrible  words,  it  is  not  surprising  that  MR. 
HENLEY  was  defeated  by  217  to  130,  and  that  the  Second  Reading  was 
ordered  for  the  following  Thursday. 


A  SMALL  PACKET  OF   CHIHESE  TEA  LEAVES. 

A'f'.".'"./ffnf  oi-tr  by  Sm  JOHN  BOWRING. 


OO  much  zeal  is  a  had  soldier,  who  fires  before  tho  word  of  command 
GAMBLING  is  the  id];  r's  opium. 
Experience  is  tho  blind  man's  dog. 
Memory  is  the  tax-gatherer  of  tho  past. 
•  huts  its  eyes,  and  believes  it  is  night. 
•;ni  K.I-S  are  like  fires— the  greater  their  brilliancy,  the  larger  tho  ruin    they  le-ive  behind 

Advice,  liV0  water,  takes  the  form  of  the  vessel  it  is  poured  into. 

re  is  a  policeman  iu  every  man's  conscience— even  though  you  may  not  always  find  tho 
policeman  on  tlie  buat. 


SOUND  AND  SENSE. 

AMONG  other  items  of  recent  intelligence,  we  find  it 
stated,  that  the  annual  letting  of  the  "  celebrated  Babraham 
rams  "  took  place  the  other  day.  This  statement  contains 
a  pretty  example  of  the  poetical  and  rhetorical  figure 
onomatopoeia ;  and  if  the  fashion  of  writing  pastorals 
should  be  revived,  we  would  strongly  recommend  the 
selection  of  Babraham  for  the  scene  or  venue  of  an  eclogue 
between  shepherds  and  shepherdesses.  How  suggestive  is 
the  sound  of  the  word !  how  touchingly  it  recalls  the  lay 
with  which  the  infancy  of.  everybody  was  familiar  ;  com- 
mencing with  the  line — 

"  Baa,  baa,  black  sheep ! " 

One  magic  word  has  awakened  the  echoes  of  that  old, 
old  song,  and  recalled  tlie  scenes  of  other  days.  There  is 
the  old  house  at  home,  with  the  old  faces ;  the  nursery, 
tho  little  toys,  the  sugar-plums,  the  brimstone  and  treacle, 
the  grey  powder.  Again  we  view  the  green  meadows 
wherein  we  used  to  play  with  the  young  lambs.  Where 
are  they  now  ?  They  were  eaten,  long,  long  ago,  with  mint- 
sauce.  We  called  them  baa-lambs  then — as  we  remem- 
bered with  a  sigh,  whilst  the  bleating  of  rams  rang  on  our 
mental  ear,  and  whilst,  in  gasping  accents,  we  spasmodically 
exclaimed,  "  Babraham  !  " 


A  Convenient  Cloak. 

MR.  HUNCKS  (familiarly  known  as  OLD  HTJNCKS)  refuses 
to  buy  his  wife  a  fashionable  mantle,  on  tlie  plea  that  it 
must  necessarily  be  accompanied  by  so  much  trimming  and 
up-braiding. 


•ST    1,    1^ 


CII,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


A    NOAH'S    ARK    OF    A    HEART. 


lia\e    ii 
•i's  Ark. 

It     Se 

All   I!  .,   i)r:iy, 

grunt,    crow,    scream, 
whi.sti.  allowed 

in-  in  it.     All  ani- 
'•>',  leap, 
.  hurrowv^Hb,  or  crawl, 

it.    11 

lor   the 

io  Ani- 

.veVlfen 

ive    had   a   lobster 
r.      All    the 
market 

would 

their 

irdsbip'c 

doubt  if 
it   wnnld   i:  safe  for 

It  is  equ 
s  open  tn  it:;  penaltiis   every  time   we  had   the   cru; 

. 

r,  there  is  i  --up  of  a  doubt  that  the  Bill  would  have  had  the  effect  of 

ogical  Gardens.  have 

had?.  a  Cobra  left  him  to  play  with.  no  right,"  'lord, 

•p   any  animal  under  confinement,  so  as   to  irritate   him.      What,  then,  is  to  become 

ie  confined  in  t  in  the 

:'ark?  .  \'\  i  :  to  do  with  the  ertlic 

two  I:  i'     Are  they   all  to  be  Jet  loose  upon  the  irhoodr  or  must   you 


in?     But  here,:  10 

no  mM   (•)  infiiel    pain  on  aM-  living  e 
Bill  ; 

iiemsdves  at  tin1  pros 

friend  has,  hitherto,) 
r,  for  we  should  s 


:  for  LOUD  1 1  v, 

llowivei,  there  is  no  more  chance  of  the 

^fcassiug  a  bad  shilling ;  so  our  cooks 

en  up  for  smashing  lie. 

D  UAYNIIAH 
of  his  absurd  attempt  at  legis- 


lation  mm  i  writ  ten  under  the"  ocular  and  jocular  supervision  of  .Mil.   M  MITIX'S. 

Elizabethan  namesake-  th.  iv.    The  Bill  can  only  have  been 

I'  the  wildest  outbreak  of  animal  spirits,  and  th'1  nrx.;  time  his  Lordship  ti 
'ie  bull  |jy  the   horn?,  he  must  do  it  with  a  less  cruel  hand,  or  else  he  will  infallibly 
find  li  "k  on  the.  ho,  us  .  ,ia  by  being  the  first,  person  punished  under  hU 

own  enactment.     For  his  (r.  asts,  we  can  only  say,  in  the  borrowed 

words  of  a  Frenchman,  t  hat  it  is  : — "  7.'  .?  lie  plus  £ele  !  " 


"HERE  WE  A  1,1,  ARE  !" 

THKSE  an  oplc  give  us  a  great  deal  of  trouble.    The  other  day  we  were  oi 

to  offer  opinions  upon  no  fewer  than  six  matches  in  high  life,  on  which  the  Mornit.-i. 

•  !'(d  us.     (By  the  way,  the  footman,  who  told  the  7V  IID  CASTI.EUOSSE   was 

:dy,  humbugged  our  contemporary,  as  the  latter  has  been  obliged 
and  teais., i     Mow    we    find   thrust   under  onr   superhuman   nose   the 
following  advertisement  of  a  marriage  in  humble  life  : — 

"  On  tlio  14th  inst   at  Shenfield.  Essex,  hy  the  Ri:v.  C.  ,T.  YOKK,  Rector.  Mr.    ALFRFD  BAKTOK,  Auctioneer 
::f,-ham,    to  Cl 

ic  l:i U1  WILLIAM   WAUKEN,  Ksl;  ,  HHIIII 

l':.vnii,,Tii.    Sumy,    : 

s,lll'ri:  .,  tlie  lute  HON.  LAIIY  STANHOPE,  nu-1   '  .   EZKHIAL  BARTON,  of  the 

First  ,,,y." 


.  .          _  .  ..  g         o. 

.    oriiinary  custom   for  deceased  parties  to  perform   this  act  of  politi 
and   generosity,   and   no   t'e  (,c  die  people  enumerated  are  defunct.    AVell. 

then  v  ,;  mio.l,|  ]„.  ;l  ijurb,  Of  p,.jci0  Rnt\  $ 

auctioneer,  who  mighl  exoil  in  blithe  aristocracj 

smart  men,  and  know  thai  connection  with  an  Kx-sherilV  and  a  General  <,!'  Sepoys  is  no  such 
lions  thing  for  a  prosperous  man  of  business  (which  we  hope  I!AUTON  is')  to  make  a 
;jw?  only  a  guess,  and  may  he  all  wrens  -is  the  bride's  family 

highly  genteel"  and  oppos  Miits,  and  has  thi 

we  applaud  BAKTOX,  and  vBl4ie  it  is  so,  beea>  e  no  other  excuse  for  the 

publication  of  such  a  st  niis  rrr  names  at  the  end  of  announeen 


THE  I5UIM.M, 


r.l',RAN(M-:iU 


An,  !'•  :"ii  brave  old  s: 

I!  the  thiir.  t,  — 

•.•r,  — 
'I'yrant  and  Jesuit  v. 

I.e. 

ly  or  Priestly,  • 
Stabbed  it  \\  illi  lau^hler  nain  !  '. 

Imprisoned  under  Cll  \in.i  rii, 

Imprisoned  under  "Mil.  S- 
Your  ]>en  but  pit  her. 

Moie  bait,  more  gall,  moi.  I  iiitli. 

Then  calm  '.rlit  : 

Grown  w  iser  s1 
You  stepped  not  < 

But  only  shruiTired  : 

ft*?™;  beside  your  modej! 

At  poets  crcy,  turned  statesmen  green  : 
lleaid  Hi  ••  \ei!l  rhetoric  ire, 

And  sighed  o'er  poor  old  LAMARTIN  r:. 

Yon  saw  the  social  bui 

kingly  ones  had  burst 
ill  your  green  old  age  you  n 
And  poked  your  fire,  and  shut  your  door 

Against  the  nephew  of  the  man 

\Yhom  in  your  youth  you  made  a  God  : 

By  whose  triumphal  car  you  ran  : 
Your  Attila—  Heaven's  scourging  rod. 

The  nephew  had  giv'n  gold  for  laud, 
Hard  francs  for  flattery's  hollow  ring  ; 

J'ut  his  mixed  reign  of  force  and  fraud 
Was  not  the  reign  that  you  could  sing. 

So,  while  you  lived,  you  sat  aloof, 

As  one  kte-fall'ii  on  evil  d 
Equally  fear  and  favour-proof  : 

Not  venting  blame  :  not  feigning  praise. 

I  K  liant  thus  you  died  :  once  dead, 
Alas,  the  nephew  has  his  way. 

unes  to  crown  the  lifeless  head, 
Which,  living,  frowned  his  hand  away. 

And,  bitterest  lot,  old  bard,  for  you, 

Scarce  cold,  they  earth  your  hurried  bier, 

With  hollow  show  of  honours  due, 
That  serve  to  mask  the  tyrant's  fear. 

"  Mournful  and  Patriotic  rites  !  " 
Sabres  and  bayonets  line  the  way: 

The  flag,  that  graced  th 
Droops  sadly  o'er  your  captive  • 

Jesuit  and  Despot,  both  in  one, 
I  'sher  \ou  to  jour  hasty  grave. 

Sad  closing  of  a  course  so  run- 
Death  that  frees  mo.- 


Making  Game   of  a  Friend. 

"  WKI.I,  what  do  you  say  to  the  Lords'  di- 
vision ?"  asked  KARON  ROTHSCHILD,  the  other 
I  day,  of  MK.  BF.KNU,  OSP.OKNE. 

"Say?"  replied  <  >si;n;tNr,  unfeelingly; 
"•why,  as  the  croupier  at  Baden  says,  Le  Jeic  est 
fait .'  " 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  1,  1S57. 


THE    ROUND    HAT    AT    A    REVIEW. 

Officer  (blandly,  but  with  firmness).  "  WE  MUST  TROUBLE  YOU,  IF  YOU  PLEASE,  LADIES,  TO  TAKE  YOUR  HATS  OFF. 

BEHIND   COMPLAIN   THAT   THEY   CAti'l   SEE." 


THE  GEXTLEMEN 


THE  SOCIAL  TREADMILL.    No.  12. 

"  FROM  my  own  social  experience  I  should  be  inclined  to  say  that 
'  a  little  music  '—like  '  a  little  knowledge ' — is  '  a  dangerous  thing.' 
I  suppose  we  shall  all  agree  that  of  the  many  varieties  of  the  evening- 
party-punishment,  none  can  well  be  more  severe  than  that  to  which 
one  is  sentenced  by  a  card,  with  the  apparently  innocent  word 
'Music'  at  the  bottom  of  it.  Let  me  enumerate  the  different  in- 
flictions of  social  torture  included  in  this  insidious  dissyllable. 

"  Imprimis.  It  means  crowding  four  hundred  people,  of  both  sexes 
and  all  ages,  into  a  space  sufficient  to  accommodate  about  half  the 
number. 

"  Secondly.  It  means  that  all  these  four  hundred  unfortunates  are  to 
be  planted  in  chairs,  so  placed,  that  not  one  of  the  four  hundred  can 
get  up  without  disturbing  all  the  rest— Like  WORDSWORTH'S  cloud,  the 
mass  must  'move  all  together,  if  it  move  at  all.' 

"  Thirdly.  It  means,  either,  enduring  trash  vocal  or  crash  instru- 
mental, which  it  is  pure  waste  of  time,  and  degradation  of  human  ears, 
to  listen  to,  or, 

"Fourthly.  Hearing  sweet  melodies  and  noble  harmonies  under  con- 
ditions of  discomfort  and  distraction,  which  utterly  destroy  the 
exquisiteness  of  the  one,  and  the  grandeur  of  the  other. 

"  I'ift/i/y.  It  means  conversation  prevented. 

"Stftkly.  It  means  confining  one's  view  of  the  ladies  to  their  back- 
hair,  or  the  floral  and  leguminous  ornaments  which  embellish  the 
female  nuque  now-a-days. 

"Seventhly.  It  implies,  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten,  an  insufferable 
display  either  of  amateur  impudence,  or  artistic  mediocrity. 

'  Eighthly.  It  shows  JOHN  BULL  in  some  of  his  most  offensive 
phases  of  snobbishness,  and  purse-pride. 

"Ninthly.  It  is  tedious. 

"  Tenthly.  It  is  costly. 

"And  to  conclude,  it  encourages  bad  music;  keeps  up  the  mis- 
chievous delusion  that  the  English  are  a  musical  nation ;  and  brings  over 
annually  to  these  shores  a  set  of  impudent  and  incapable  pretenders, 
•who  degrade  a  divine  art,  and  laugh  at  the  British  beard.  Music ! 


This  a  musical  party  !  These  four  hundred  bored,  blase,  over-heated, 
over-crowded,  sufferers — and  at  the  upper  end  of  the  room  that  knot 
of  dark-whiskered,  blue-chinned,  black-moustached,  short-cropped  men 
— looking  like  the  lately  discharged  cargo  of  a  continental  convict-ship 
—and  that  cluster  of  hard-featured,  hollow-eyed,  foreign  women, 
entrenched  behind  the  rampart  of  an  ERARD'S  or  BKOADWOOD'S  Brand 
pianoforte,  much  bethumped  by  the  long-haired  Teutonic  or  Gallic,  or 
Italian  accompanyist,  at  a  pound  for  the  evening,  and  refreshments  ! 
No,  you  deceive  yourself,  MR.  BULL.  This  is  not  music.  What 
musical  appreciation  there  may  be  in  this  audience— what  musical 
utterance  there  may  be  in  the  soul,  or  throat,  or  fingers  of  these 
vocalists  or  instrumentalists— finds  no  outlet  in  this  place  under  these 
conditions.  The  man  who  bought  Punch  from  the  puppet-show-man 
and  thought  he  would  squeak,  and  speak,  and  break  everybody's  head, 
without  the  ingenious  artist  in  the  show-box,  was  not  more  out  in 
his  calculation  than  my  LORD  DUKE  OF  DREARYCOURT,  or  His  GRACE 
THE  MARQUIS  OF  CARABAS,  or  MR.  MOXEYPESXY,  the  great  City 
capitalist,  when  he  hires  HERR  BLAUSENBALG,  and  SIGNOR  SQUAL- 
LINI,  and  SIGNORA  DANAM  GUADAGNA,  at  ten  guineas  per  song,  in  the 
expectation  of  getting  music  out  of  them.  These  people  have  a  con- 
tempt for  their  magnificent  employer,  as  they  sit  there,  in  their  scorn- 
ful isolation,  behind  the  grand  piano.  Their  music  ought  to  translate 
itself— both  for  them  and  for  you— into  the  clink  of  sovereigns.  'Sing 
a  Song  of  Sixpence,'  is  the  motto  of  both  employers  and  employed. 
They  give  their  notes  in  exchange  for  yours.  Hear  them  talk  of 
England;  they  are  at  no  pains  to  conceal  their  contempt  for  every 
thing  in  and  about  the  country,— but  its  guineas ;  and  you  have  no 
right  to  blame  them.  You  buy  their  songs,  just  as  you  buy  your  pine- 
apples, and  your  plate  and  your  pictures :  because  opera-singers  and 
pine-apples,  and  plate  and  pictures,  are  types  and  symbols  ot  wealth 
and  consequence. 

"  There  have  been  times  when  England  was  musical.  But  ^hey 
came  long  before  the  epoch  of  operas,  and  '  nobility's  concerts,'  and 
'musical  evenings.'  Those  were  the  days  of  good  QUEEN  BESS,  when 
scarce  a  man  or  woman,  high  or  low,  but  could  bear  a  part  in  glee  01 
madrigal  or  part-song— when  in  manor,  and  farm,  and  village  ale-liouse, 


PUNCH.  OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI.— AUGUST  1,  1857. 


SCENE     FROM     IVANHOE. 


(LATEST  EDITION.) 

MASTER  (E-L  OF  D-v).    "BACK,  DOG!    I  TOUCH  NOT  MISBELIEVERS,  SAVE  WITH  THE-BETTING-BOOK 

\\  HAT  WILL  YOU  DO  ABOUT  BLINK  SONNY?" 


AUGUST  1,  l'SJ7.] 


PUNCH,   Oil  Till-:   LONDON*   CI'ARIVAl',1. 


47 


and    iiislie   ehnieh,  euniiiir- ly    !>!•  e,  the  principal  >p.  akei.s.    It  is  stated  in 

of  h:--:h    di  -iple   in    tlr-    matter   were  of  the 

•  moled   the   movement.     The 
IT,    and    KIM;  said  is  brief,  but 

Mii-nii-. n   V,  ae  out  astonishingly.     She  ,-et  forth  that  woman 

from  man's  rib  to  show  her  equality  with  him,  and  that  had 
he  b>  •  .!ii]ile  on   1.  i  from 

lily  superior  logic,  be1  -  not  taken 

from  his  li< 

in  the  Ark.     This  is  true,  but, 
inted   with  r,v  that  NOAH''- 

and  I',- 


ite,  the  mi 

,  the   milk-maid  to  the  birds  over  her  pai! 

musie  v.  education  and  of  every   woman's 

accomplishment . 
"You  musical '.     5fou   mighi  ai  fond  <>1 

of    \lmehs.   or  ( ilii'v 
Hindoo,  with  liis  Is  rattling  their  bangles  before  I 

;crms  of  a  crowded  and  uncomfort- 
sulky  ai  -  behind  it.      It  is  at,  b. 


ical  broken    meat,   flung  as  eon-  U'IM                                                                              >wed  to  go  about 

daj's  \viili  a  timbrel,                                                                                   iblic." 

table  are    HUM;    to  a  crowd  (if  !"                                              door.      Mn>ie  This,  we,  IP                                                                                               ;  i.u,  we  do 

daman!                                                       '"•'   room,  ^  with  a  tambourine,  if  ihe 

and  listeners.     It   is  the  most   social  ,',ty  in  supplying  her  with  a 

select  of  iii                  ats,  in  its  minor  forms.     In  its  2;  ipatioii  is  her  mission.     She  then 

tcrances  of  emotion,  or  the  most. sublime  denounced   j'rii.                 .     How  the  law  of  primogenituri 

and  awful  of  all  nets  nf  worship.  not  clear,  inasmuch  as  if  MRS.  WIGGY  has 

"  I   umi                            ongof  M  \STKII  \ViLi                   lizabethan  ite  devolves  on  her  and  them,  they  will  all  take 

days.     I    understand   tin;   \                  re'  Chorus  in  an  Italian  grape-  alike,  by  i                 -f  descent.     But,  the  arrangement  by  which  one 


•Mind  in  the  force  .other,  is,  v.  ir  1  he  ladies,  and 

ihai  times  I  lie  !ie:iviiiL' of  the  anchor  in  :i  .\orih  country    if  they   can  settle  it  in  any  other  way  than,  at  present,  we  see  no 

-land  the   lyrical  swing,   and  passion  of  th 
heard  from  a  curtained- boi,  with  room  for  one's  legs,  and  a  p 


emiH  ite.    I  understand  the  Hundredth    Psalm,  rung  from 

the  thousand  children's  t  hroats  under  the  dome  of  St.  Paul's.    1  under- 
stand BEETHOVEN  at  Exeter  Hall,  or  HAXDEI,  at    the  Crystal   Palace. 


ion. 
I5ut  J.hc  grand  allegation,  and  that  which  the  :  icily  cheered 


and  relied  upon  was  this:  "Woman  is  man's  equal  in  even 

PHYSICAL  STRK 

O  WIGGY!  O  COCKY!     O  all  you  women  of  Leicester,  and  every- 


,  W»JMB  J  j.    .      \^r    v^vy^ivi.    .  w    MU      J  VJ  >l       "  UJlIt-lA    VJl      JJDlWQIfwAj      OLIV4      t  J  t>l  Y  - 

All  th  ;sic.     But  I  do  not,  and  I  iiray  Ile:iven,   I  where  else,  will  you  kindly  consider,  only  for  a  minute,  what  this  little 

i.    There  is  weariness  in  i  ra  gift  of  Physical  Strength,  of  which  you  speak  so  lightly,  means, 


understand,  ring-room  concerts. 

there  is  vanity  in  them  :  there  is  money-power  in 

there  is  not." 


But 


WIGGY-CUM-COCKY. 


i  IF,    Women   of  Bristol  once 
a  time  —  there  is  no 

•iiiioniim-    it  now, 
—  were  so    singularly  unfa- 
it  y  who  con- 


hat  are  its  responsibilities  ';  It,  means,  getting  up  every  morning, 
whether  you  like  it  or  not,  working  one's  hardest  at  what  work  one 
can  get,  pleasant  or  hateful,  fighting  for  the  pay  thereof,  beating  off  all 
who  would  touch  that  pay,  and  taking  it  home  to  buy  food  and  clothes 
for  you  and  your  children.  It  means  building  the  houses  you  live  in, 
the  carriages  you  ride  in,  the  steamers  you  go  pleasuring  in,  and 
being  lined,  imprisoned,  or  transported,  if  the  houses  fall,  the  car- 
riages  run  Off  1^^  or  tne  s|,ips  „„  down.  It  means  plou-rhing 
and  sowing  and  reaping,  that  you  may  have  bread  for  puddings  and 
poultices.  It  means  sailing  the  ocean  to  fetch  you  tea  to  chatter  over, 
ailti  s;ik  to  flirt  in.  It  means  paying  yonr  debts  while  one  can,  and 
when  one  can't,  going  to  prison  for  'em.  It  means  keeping  you,  from 


borrowed  by  a  contributor  to 
fiirdai/  Review),  that  in 
to  help  them  to  those 
of  feminine  life — 
ids.  it  was  decreed  that 
the   freedom  of  the  City  of 
Bristol  should  be  given  to  any 
-.  e.nld  go  into  con- 
jugal slavery  with   a 
girl.    Now,  of  course,  a  Bris- 
tolian  would  toss  you  over  ST. 
's    Back,   or  into 
the    Severn,   did  you  assert 
that  the  ladies  of  the  place 
are  not  perfect,  angels. 

We,  even  did  not  truth  and 
gallantry    forbid    it,   should 
scorn  to  advance  any  allega- 
tion  nu'ainst  the  loveliness  of 
Bristol.    The  city  of  the  mar- 
vellous Boy  produces  marvellous  girls.     But  there  is  another  town  in 
whose  favour  we  are  disposed  to  think  some  such  matrimonial  bait,  will 
one  of  these  days  be  wanted.     This  town  is  Leicester.     We  say  it  i 
sorrowfully  ;  for  we  had  good  hopes  of  a  city  that,  at  the  last  elce 
turned   out  a  very   pretentious   and   useless   personage,  SIR  Jn- 
W.U.MSI.KY.    The  Leicester  women,  however,  seem  to  lack  the  brains 
of  their  lords  and  mast; 

The  other  day  we  read  that  the  women  of  Leicester,  in  flat  d 
of  their  duty  to  their  superiors  who  had  ejected  JOSHUA,  went  t  > 
individual  with  an  address,  in  order  to  console  him.     T 
heard  from  CoTPEB   1 1  hough  it   is  doubtful  whether  such  fa 
could  condescend  to  read  a  mere  virtuous,  namby-pamby,  moral  writer) 


le  pitt  ot   lieauty  (  w  c  ,  .  , 

not  naming  her,   wedding-ring  to  coffin-rings,  and  being  scoffed  at  by  the  world,  and 
but  our  Lempnere  'has  been   k;cke(i  at  by  the  i^  if    during  that  period,  one  neglects  the  work. 

-  •  - 


'      "/       VUI>      u*  It  ,     11,       U1UUUK     UUMI      l-»^-l  1UV4,    U11G      »iV*glU^I,3       ulu     »1M1IX. 

This  is  a  little  of  what  Physical  Strength  means — that  little  exception 
to  perfect  equality.  And  O  COCKY  !  O  WIGOY  !  O  all  of  you !  we  are  very 
.  that  it  should  be  so,  if  you  will  just  dust  up  our  Arks,  and  keep 
them  tidy,  comb  the  hair  of  pur  little  children,  and  sometimes  see  to  a 
button.  Come,  girls,  come,  it's  not  a  hard  bargain  for  you,  after  all. 

But  catch  us  marrying  a  Leicester  woman — at  least  unless  Leicester, 
female,  repudiates  the  WIGGY  cum-CocKT  demonstration.  Let 
Leicester  get  a  name  for  this  sort  of  thing,  and  its  spinsters  will  find 
it  no  easy  matter  to  get  any  other  names  than  those  they  now  wear. 
The  Mayor  will  have  to  bait  the  trap  with  freedoms. 


that— 


"  The  tenr  thnt  is  wipod  with  A  little  Address, 
liny  be  followed,  porchauco,  by  a  smile." 


This  little  Address  on-  \,  who  was 

proverbial  for  the   little  address  with  which  he  took  up  any  political 
d,  the,  Leicester  \Vomeu  have  been  holding 
a  the  Town  Hall,  in  favour  of  Woman's  Ifi-.: 
Mus.  WOODFOKD  was  in  the  chair,  and  MRS.   CUCKAYXE,    Mr.:;. 


Election  Committee  Bulletin. 

ME.  MOOBE, 

Is  shown  the  door ; 

MR.  Nun, 

Has  lost  his  seat ; 

MR.  MERRY, 

Is  downcast,  very ; 

And  MR.  O'FLAKTY, 

'S  a  flabberghasted  party. 

There  you  have  the  decisions  (condensed  in  a  small  way), 
Fur  Mayo,  and  Oxford,  and  Falkirk,  and  Galway. 


Cause  and  Effect. 

A  PARAGRAPH  has  been  going  the  round  of  the  newspapers,  about  a 
rat  which  trotted  across  the  lloor  of  the  House  of  Commons,  during 
one  of  ery  miscellaneous  dsbatcs.  It  is  not  generally  known 

CK  was  the  first  to  perceive  the  intruder.  "  Ha !  that 
reminds  me,"  said  the  honourable  member  for  Sheffield,  and  immedi- 
ately put  his  "He-rat  motion"  on  the  paper.  This  quite  explains 
what  some  have  called  the  strangely  inopportune  character  of  the 
motion. 


MISANTHROPY.  BY  DOUBLE  ENTRY. — To  escape  from  the  boredom 
of  ourselves  we  tly  into  the  world — and  to  escape  from  the  boredom  of 
others  we  are  only  too  glad  to  fly  home  again. 


48 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LOFTON   CHARIVARI. 


[AUCL-ST  1,  1857. 


ALL-WORK    AND    SOME    PLAY. 


RS.  WARREN,  please  to 
come  here,  M'm.  No, 
SAM,  not  you,  we  have 
castigated  you,  our  boy, 
Now  and  Then  (ha!  ha!), 
and  may  have  to  do  so 
again;  but  we  never  called 
vou  a  woman.  It  is  MRS. 
WARREN,  "  editress  of 
Drawinff-Room  Magazine, 
Books  of  the  Boudoir,  Time- 
thrift,"  &c.,  whom  we 
want,  and  'specially  in  her 
character  of  authoress  of 
the  only  one  of  her  works 
which  Mr.  Punch,  has  had 
the  honour  of  seeing, 
Cookery  for  Maids  of  All- 
Work.  Come  here,  M'm, 
and  don't  be  frightened. 
You  have  tried  to  do  a 
good  thing,  and  you  have 


About,  Scalloping  Oysters,  M'm.  You  would  lead  a  stupid  girl  into 
a  blunder  for  which  au  Irish  oyster  eater  of  a  hasty  temper  would 
very  justifiably  throw  her  out  at  the  window  of  his  apartment.  You 
say,  "Take  off  the  beards,  set  them  in  a  dish  or  tin,  rub  crumbs  over 
them,"  &c.  Pray,  be  quick  with  a  new  edition,  ere  some  wretched  girl 
fall  a  victim— remember,  oysters  are  all  but  in. 

"Where  children  are."  A  simple  phrase,  but  otie  with  immense 
significance,  and  we  are  glad  to  see  it  occur  very  often  in  your  book, 
in  company  with  advice  how  to  render  eligible  for  the  olive-branches 
the  dish  of  which  you  are  treating.  Specially,  we  note  on  p.  29  the 
hint  that  suet  pudding  will  please  and  satisfy  them  more  than  bread. 
After  a  good  help  of  the  former  article,  we  certainly  believe  that  the 
affectionate  remonstrance,  "More?  why,  my  dear,  you  must  have  got 
a  wolf  inside  you,"  will  be  superfluous. 

Well,  M'm,  we  don't  know  that  we  need  detain  you.  We  have 
picked  a  few  holes  in  your  book,  but  as  KING  PEDRO  said  to  MARIA 
DE  PADILLA,  when  he  had  gone  and  married  somebody  else,  "  it  all  was 
for  thy  good."  Let  us  add  that  your  gossip  with  young  mistresses  is 
very  sensible,  but  you  should  give  some  more  of  it,  and  in  a  separate 
book.  This  one  is  for  the  Maid,  and  your  preface  might  set  her 
educating  her  Mistress,  a  salutary  process,  no  doubt,  but  one  which 
from  what  we  have  observed  of  lady-temperament,  is  .not  calculated 
to  promote  long  connection  between  the  parties. 

And  now,  M'm,  we  have  said  our  say.  Knowing  how  much  domestic 
comfort  has  to  do  with  domestic  morals,  Mr.  Punch  aids  any  effort  to 
teach  our  women,  of  all  ranks,  and  accidentally  discovering  you  as  his 


to 


to  genteel  people  for  writing  a  book  „  .  . 

servant,  but  you  begin  boldly :— "  Much  of  the  comfort  ot  nume- 
rous households  depends  upon  that  very  useful  person,  the  Maid- 
of-All-Work."  You  proceed  to  show  how  everything  is  expected  from 
her,  and  nothing  is  taught  her,  or  how  a  cookery-book,  prescribing 
expensive  processes,  described  in  inexact  language,  is  given  her  for  her 
discomfiture  and  for  quarrels  with  her  mistress,  and  how  she  blunders 
through  servitude  to  become  the  blundering  wife  of  a  poor  man,  whom 
she  will  always  keep  poor.  Then,  M'm,  you  set  to  work  to  help  her 
and  her  mistress  also,  and  you  give,  in  plain  language,  and  with 
practical  advice,  instructions  for  some  thirty  dinners,  to  the  preparation 
whereof  comes  in  almost  every  article  likely  to  be  cooked  for  the  elass 
that  employs  the  Maid-of- All-Work.  You  will  observe,  MRS.  WARREN, 
that  we  have  read  your  book. 

Your  book  is  by  no  means  perfect,  M'm,  and  before  it  reaches  a  third 
edition  (our  copy  is  from  the  second)  you  will  be  good  enough  to  go 
carefully  through  every  page,  and  revise  it.  For  instance,  M'm,  in  the 
Boiled  Leg  of  Mutton  dinner,  you  are  pleased  to  observe,  "Weigh  the 
mutton,  place  it  in  scalding  water  enough  to  just  cover  it ;  after  it 
bubbles,  allow  a  quarter  of  an  hour  to  every  pound  it  weighs,  and  eight 
minutes  to  every  half  pound."  What  do  you  mean,  woman  ?  At  this 
rate,  a  leg  of  six  pounds  must  be  boiled  six  quarters  of  an  hour  and 
ninety-six  minutes.  You  don't  mean  that,  dear  lady  ?  At  least,  if  you 
do,  don't  ask  us  to  dine  with  you  off  your  Boiled  Leg. 

In  the  Peas  and  Boiled  Bacon  dinner,  MRS.  WARREN,  you  remark, 
"  Another  way  of  dressing  peas,  and  where  there  are  children  they  go 
much  farther,"  &c.  How  much  farther  do  the  children  go  ?  And 
farther,  from  what  ?  From  the  table  ?  Then,  you  know,  they  drop 
their  orts  on  the  carpet,  and  when  getting  down,  tread  the  mess  into 
it.  You  should  tell  the  Maid  to  push  their  chairs  close  up  to  the 
table— Eh  ?  You  meant  that  geas  go  farther.  We  beg  your  pardon. 

Don't  let  us  catch  you  putting  common  vinegar  into  the  salad,  as 
proposed  at  page  33,  that 's  all. 

We  applaud  your  politeness  even  to  a  pig.  "  Send  with  it  to  the 
baker's  a  quarter  pound  of  butter,  and  request  it  to  be  frequently  rubbed 
with  this."  No  pig  of  good  breeding  could  refuse  a  request  so  ur^ed. 
And  it  is  a  very  good  reason  for  cutting  up,  before  sending  up,  boiled 
rabbits,  that  "  otherwise  they  look  somewhat  like  cats."  The  same 
thought  occurred  to  us  at  a  Parisian  restaurant,  last  year,  while  eating 
a  pseudonymous  cat,  disguised  as  a  rabbit.  "  A  table-spoonful  of 
BROWNING  to  the  calf's-head  soup  "  (p.  51)  may  be  tried,  but  we  never 
found  that  gentleman's  writings  at  all  suited  to  a  calf's  head. 

Fresh  as  a  country  girl's  song  comes  the  Boiled  Mackarel  receipt. 
"April  and  May,  when  the  fennel  is  springing," — why,  MRS.  WARREN, 
you  are  a  poetess  yourself.  MRS.  BROWNING  (darling  of  the  above, 
and  of  us)  might  have  written — 

"  April  and  May  is  the  time  for  this  fish, 

:.Vhon  the  Fennel,  the  Fennel  is  springing. 
Put  into  hot  water  (some  salt)  and  then  dish, 
Wheij  the  fourth  of  an  hour  has  elapsed — I  could  wish. 

No  boiling — but  simmering  and  singing; 
And  O  for  the  sauce-boat  (there 's  no  rhyme  but  Pish  !) 

Where  Fennel  and  Butter  lie  clinging." 

You  may  have  these  beautiful  lines  for  your  next  edition,  M'm, 
welcome  as  the  flowers  of  maekarel  month. 


gUUU      MUUgj    W11VA 

succeeded,  M'm.  -  ,  ,  _  . 

We  picked  up  your  book  [  fellow-labourer,  he  has  generously  given  you  this  Thundering  Puft. 
at  a  railway  station,  and 
desire  to  see  it  at  all  rail- 
way stations.  The  Address 
gave  us  good  hopes  of 
you.  You  do  not  apologise 
folks  who  keep  but  one 


SILVER  SUPERSEDED. 

PASTEBOARD,  tinsel,  and  spangles,  according  to  LORD  HOTIIAM,  con- 
stitute the  star  of  the  Order  of  the  Bath ;  and  GENERAL  CODRINGTON 
thinks  that  it  ought  to  be  formed  of  silver  instead,  and  that  Parliament 
would  not  begrudge  paying  for  a  few  stars  which  would  be  given  for 
distinguished  naval  and  military  services.  In  the  event  of  another 
war,  the  stars  which  would  have  to  be  given  would,  we  trust,  be  not  a 
few ;  but  both  Parliament  and  the  country  would,  no  doubt,  be  regard- 
less of  expense  incurred  by  making  those  stars  out  of  proper  metal. 
The  question  is,  whether  'in  the  adoption  of  that  metal,  cheapness 
would  not  be  combined  with  economy.  What  metal  could  be  more 
proper  for  the  star  with  which  BRITANNIA  decorates  her  warriors  than 
BRITANNIA  metal? 


ORIENTAL  PROBLEM  TOR  PARLIAMENT. — If  the  East  India  Board  of 
Directors  is  one  stool,  and  the  Board  of  Control  is  another  stool,  what 
is  our  Indian  Empire,  and  whither  do  we  expect  it  to  go  ? 


AOOCST  1,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


HINTS    TO    THE    HOT. 

liirhti'id  heal   la  an  ex- 
for  alma  i  everything. 
thermometi 

and    may    be   id    200°   for 
aught  we  know  by  th 
we  publish.    We  an 
feotly  calm.      \V*e    dictate 
liue  of  our  own,  and 
keep  a  stupid  young  man  to 
ILI  and 

correspondence ;  but,  as  hu- 
manity to  tin:  inferior  crea- 
tion is  our  for  i' 
him  to  stand  i 
butt  with  an  umbrell  • 
him,  and  to  drink  as  much 
stout  as  he  can  without 
subsiding  down  among  the 
I  adpoles.  He  has  just  bawled 
to  us,  that  he  makes  neither 
head  nor  tail  of  ::u  article 
sent  in  by  A!  it.  DISRAELI. 
We  can't  1)0  bothered  with 
writing  to  DISRAELI — he 
must  take  this  notice  to  be 
brighter,  or  we  shall  curtail 
his  salary. 

The  heat  is  an  excuse  for 
13)    anything.    But  not  quite.    We  Lear  that  divers  people  of  our 
acquaintance  arc  going  extreme  lengths.     This  is  to  signify  that  they 
•mist,  pull  up. 

AUGUSTUS  IVE  MONTMORENCY  will  oblige  us  by  resuming  his  waist- 
coat and  cravat,  and  by  putting  on  his  gloves  before  he  goes  out. 
Walking  about  Berkeley  Square  with  his  naked  hands  hanging  down, 
no  collars  nor  vest,  and  a  great  cigar  in  his  mouth,  is  conduct  which  his 
lather  the  Viscount  would  not  approve,  nor  do  we. 

JAI  r.s  has  only  £150  a-year  in  the  Post  Office,  and  cer- 

tainly cannot  afford  to  take  a  Hansom  there  and  back  every  day,' 
.•specially  when  he  considers  the  state  of  his  laundress's  book.     Let 
him  breakfast  early  and  walk  slowly  to  his  duty.    It  is  not  of  the 
slightest  consequence  what  time  he  gets  home. 

If  HEKHKKT  WATKINS,  of   Somerset  House,  drinks  twelve  large) 
gasses  of  iced  Seltzer  and  Sherry  every  day,  he  will  do  himself  harm. 
We  limit  him  to  five. 

We  have  a  strong  notion  that  .Miss  M.vm  WILTON  comes  down  to 
breakfast  without  any  stockings.  She  shuffles  to  her  seat  in  a  hurry 
and  never  mines  from  it  till  everybody  else  is  irone.  We  forgive  the 
past  m  consequence  of  her  being  only  iifteen  years  old,  but  she  must 
complete  her  toilette  for  the  future. 
_  There  is  no  objection  to  FRANK  SOMERS'S  lying  on  the  sofa  all  night  r 

! o  bed,  but  thei ,  on  to  his  keeping 

bottle  of  Inverness  whiskey  and  a  cigar-box  beside  him. 

The  HcuTemi   h.wrius  LLOYD  was  engaged  to  write,  by  the  year 
jnt»  ice  to  weather,  and  we  will  trouble,  him  for  "copy" 

instead  of  feeble  otaerrations  on  the  enervating  influence  of  the  ; 
sphere.   Ho  will  look  precious  queer  if  it  enervates  us  so  much  that  we 
can  t  take  out  our  cheque-book  on  Saiurd.->\ 

MATILDA   WALTERS  will  not  push  her  hair  behind  her  ears,  or  braid 
a  either,  but  will  wear  her  ordinary  curls,  in  which  she  look, 
pretty. 

We  heard  of  (In:  sham    telegraph  message   that   fetched  DICKKY 

••x   troin  a  family  party  to  Brighton,  to  sec  an  aunt  who  was 

i  as  dangerously  ill  there,  the  old  girl  being  perfectly  well  all 

the  time,  at  Worthing;  but,  as  MRS.  DICKKV  has  also  heard  of  it,  we 

I  to  BBOWN'S  penance.     An  lay  was  an  awfully 

listen  to  one's  relation?,  and  their  relations. 

may   think   that   the   Club   does  not  .notice   the 
tie  walks  into  BADMINTON;  but  there  are  bets  in  the  smo 

>  whet  her  he  will  do  his  four  jugs  in  a  day. 

If  it  v.  as  "  so  hot  "  that  HENRY  POPPLES  could  not  take  his  wife  to 
hear  GuiSI  and  MARIO  m  the  Trovatore  on  Thursday,  how  did  it  happen 

:ie.  could  be  seen  at  midnight  at  EVANS'S,  hazily  asking  tfr.  C 
room"'1'  t'"AKLKS  T1IK  Sjscojin  had  evci  been  in  Mu/G.'s  concert 

'•contributor  ROBINSON,  may  write  to  us  from  his  hip-bath  if  he 
kes   but  he  ought  not  1,,  ,  paper  ^  over_    Yy,/,,^     ,lf  ,,f 

ist   that  it.  was  tears  of  ,,e,ntence  for  hfs  shortcomings,  until  we  were 

c  li;  i'-U  1  'f  *  V''l'PwCy°f  his  mode  of  address,  and  we  decline  to  be 
called     Old  Cock.       VV  c  are  not  an  old  cock. 


SUCCESS  ;   A  SONG  OF  VICIOUS  INDIGNATION. 

BY  A   HEBh-  illTIC. 


An;—" 


li- 


rage  and  what  rancour,  what  wrath  and  distress, 
popular  author's  success 

•  i  fury  it  makes  m  tie, 

And  rends  it  wil 

t  )li  jes  !     I  Co, 
There  's  nothing  1  hate  like  another's  success. 

Curse  that  man  whose  genius  wins  fortune  and  fame, 
When  I  by  dull  prosing  cannot  d" 

gladly  1  would,  if  I  could,  pull  him  down, 
•  1  throw  him,  and  all  h,  •  on  the  Town  ! 

Oh  . 

long  will  his  tedious  pros]. 

l'  hi.-,  (TCiiil 

hen,  with  the  rap!u;e  of  hate,  shall  1 
.••nd  threadbare  worn  e 
Oh  yes  !   &c. 

As  staunch  as  a  hound  ever  stuck  to  a  deer, 
In  vain  I  pursue  him  with  slander  and  sneer. 
The  more  I  abuse  him,  the  more  folks  admire, 
To  madness  which  stings  me,  with  envy  on  fire 
Oh  yes!   &e. 

The  heat  of  my  passion  is  such,  that  it  bakes 

•i'iod,  which  by  nature,  is  cold  as  a  snake's, 
Till  that  bubbles  up  in  an  impoten'  hi 
I  spring  and  I  snap  —  but  my  object  I  miss. 
Oh  yes!   &c. 

Vet  still  will  I  dog  him  with  diligent  spite  ; 
I'll  snarl  and  I'll  snap,  though  unable  to  bite: 

1  'li  rail  at,  him  and  ra 

Then  yelp  o'er,  and  scratch,  the  fresh  mould  on  his  "rave 
Oh  yes!   &c. 


THE  SPURGEON  ADVERTISER. 

MR.  SPURGEON  must  be  greatly  annoyed  by  the  snobbish  greediness 
with  wliich  his  name  is  appropriated  and  turned  to  purposes  of  puffery ; 
as  in  the  advertisement  following : — 

t)EV.  C.  H.  SPURQEON  and  the  REV.  W.  VERNOK— The  Sermon 
AV  referred  to  by  the  latter  gentleman,  In  his  Letter  to  the  Morning  Pout  on  the 
16th  instant,  forwarded  amongst  tw,  ,  1  at  the  Surrey  Gardens  before 

10,000  of  the  nobility  and  gentry,  out  of  140  published,  for  14  stamps  by 
Judge  for  yourselves. 

This  abuse  of  the  name  of  MR.  SPURCIBON  for  commercial  objects  is, 
he  must  teel,  vexatiously  calculated  to  impede  his  ministry.    It  drags 
and  it  into  association  with  sordid  and  ludicrous  ideas.    If  his 
ion  were  that  of  another  gentleman  who  shares  his  sphere  of 
on,  11  not  of  usefulness,  the  ease  might  be  difl'cicnt.     If,  instead  of 
Ufting  his  forefinger,  and  suiting  words  to  the  action,  it  were  his 
business  to  wave  a  music-staff  at  the  Surrey  Gardens,  and  regulate 
quadrilles,  his  vocation  would  have  reference  to  time  rather  than  to 
eternity.    Then  his  name,  might  be  placarded  and  paraded  in  large 
letters,  to  the  increase  of  the  effect  which  it  would  be,  his  object  to 
produce  on  his  hearers— the  excitement  of  a  rampant  levity.    But 
MR.  SPUKGEON'S  eloquence  is  supposed  to  have  a  serious  aim,  to  which 
pans  and  posters  stand  in  ludicrous  relation. 

The  other  side  of  the  river  is  not  like  the  other  side  of  the  Atlantic, 
where  it  a  preacher  took  occasion,  in  the  course  of  his  sermon,  to 
i  isc  his  own  store,  or  stuck  bills  relative  to  his  merchandise  on 
mtside  of  his  pulpit,  he  would  probably  in  no  degree  diminish  the 
mipicssion  of  his  discourse  by  resorting  to  those  dodges  in  connection 
with  it.  It  is  a  great  shame  to  corrupt  the  reputation  of  MR.  SruRonoN 
mto  the  celebrity  of  PROFESSOR.  GULLA WAY.  To  vulgarise  a  preacher's 
good  name  is  almost  as  bad  as  to  rob  him  of  it;  and  a  remedy  ou»ht 
to  be  provided  for  such  damage  to  reputation.    What  next  ?    We  shall 
.cut  and  impudent  tobacconist  advertising 
SruRGEON  Cigars ! 

Daft  Objects. 


ho?T        fitERST°X  ¥V°-  C°'Ve  t0  ask  for  or(1ers  for  t'. 
he  makes  it  three,  we  shall  give  them  to  his  successor. 


A  PETITION-  was  presented  the  other  night  by  COLONEL  SYKES,  from 
the  Parochial   Board  of  St.  Nicholas,   Aberdeen,   approving  of  the 
objects  of  'he  Lunacy  (Scotland)  Bill,  but  disapproving  of  ifs  enact- 
:  tars  lo  mean,  that  the  petitioners  approve  of  idiots 
and  madmen,  but  disapprove  of  the  obligation  to  take  any  care  of  them. 


50 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGL-ST  1,  1857. 


COOL   SUMMER  DRESS. 

"  WHY,  FREE,  MY  DEAR  FELLOW,  WHATEVER  HAVE  YOU  GOT  ON  ] " 
"  WHT,  DON'T  YOU  SEE? — A  PORTABLE  REFRIGERATOR :  DEUCED  COMFORTABLE  THIS 
HOT  WEATHER,  I  CAN  TELL  YOU!" 


A  MIDSUMMER  MORNING'S  DREAM. 

A  MOKE  than  commonly  interesting  "  Marriage  in  High 
Life  "  was  reported  the  other  day  by  our  fashionable  con- 
temporary. Tliis  affair  came  off,  not  at  All  Swells',  but  at 
St.  Paul's  Church,  Knightsbridge.  The  reporter  mentions 
a  remarkable  feature  of  the  entertainment— for  such  it 
rrally  appears  to  have  been — in  stating  that 

"  MKNPI:LSSOIIN'S  '  }r<:'l'[in?i  March'  was  played  upon  the  orjran  as 
t:i<>  |.i  ^-rs^ion  movrd  up  to  tliu  ultjir,  and  until  the  bride  and  bride- 
groom had  taken  their  places  iu  trout  of  the  communion  table." 

In  addition  we  are  informed  that — 

'*  The  service  (performed  with  choral  music)  was  unusually  iro- 
preasive." 

The  bride  and  bridegroom  on  this  occasion  will  perhaps 
be  surmised  by  some  who  know  no  better,  to  have  been  his 
GRACE,  Theseus,  Duke  nf  Athens,  and  HER  MAJESTY, 
llippolyta,  Qufc/i  if  the  Amazons.  The  altar  up  to  which 
they  moved  to  MENDELSSOHN'S  "  Wedding  March"  may 
he  imagined  to  have  been  the  Altar  of  HYMEN;  whose 
torch  may,  for  the  nonce,  have  been  placed  upon  it  in  lieu 
of  tapers".  The  choral  music  with  which  the  service  was 
performed,  and  whieli  was  "unusually  impressive,"  may  be 
supposed  to  have  been  borrowed  from  the  same  work  as 
the  "  March,"  and  in  being  unusually  impressive  may  be 
conceived  to  have  been  unusually  jolly. 

Immediately  on  the  conclusion  of  the  ceremony,  the 
happy  pair  may  be  conjectured  to  have  adjourned  to  the 
mansion  of  the  noble  bridegroom,  where,  after  partaking 
of  the  customary  collation,  they  witnessed  a  theatrical 
entertainment,  consisting  of  a  mock  tragedy,  composed 
by  a  humble  dramatic  author,  and  performed,  in  honour  of 
the  occasion,  by  a  company  of  amateurs  of  the  working 
classes.  


A  Shave. 

ME.  MUNTZ  leaves  Parliament  from  ill  health.  We 
hope  lie  is  not  seriously  ill  or  too  unwell  to  enjoy  the 
wittiest  thing  that  has  "ever  been  said  in  our  time;  but 
which,  if  his  indisposition  is  grave,  we  withdraw,  with 
regret— namely,  that  he  wants  change  of  hair. 


How  TO  GET  A  LADY  TO  snow  HER  FOOT.  —  Praise- 
the  foot  of  some  one  else ! 


AN  ART- WELLINGTON. 

THE  Duke  passant,  the  Duke  rampant,  the  Duke  regardant,  the 
Duke  couchant,  the  Duke  in  almost  all  manner  of  attitudes,  may 
be  said  to  have  been  designed  by  the  competitors  for  the  new 
Wellington  Statue.  A  few  more  conceptions  of  the  great  Duke 
might  be  modelled— the  Duke  eating ;  the  Duke  drinking ;  the  Duke 
washing  his  hands;  the  Duke  shaving  himself;  the  Duke  mending  a 
pen ;  the  Duke  cutting  a  cedar  pencil,  or,  at  an  early  period,  scraping 
a  slate  one:  the  young  Duke,  then  MASTER  WELLESLEY,  doing  a 
sum.  These  would  be  simple  designs ;  but  if  a  more  complex  compo- 
sition were  desired,  the  Duke  might  be  represented  as  receiving  the 
congratulations  of  BUSINESS— the  figure  of  BUSINESS  being  that  of  a 
grocer  in  an  apron,  and  BUSINESS  having  a  pen  behind  his  ear. 

Awakened,  at  last,  to  the  fact  that  we  cannot  make  a  statue  our 
selves,  we  have  invited  foreign  competition  for  the  design  of  the 
Wellington  Monument,  but  with  indifferent  results.  The  fact  is,  that 
the  statue  of  a  modern  hero  is  a  statue  of  clothes,  which  are  comical, 
and  make  the  figure  invested  by  them  a  comic  hero.  Such  a  hero  is  no 
more  a  fit  subject  for  sculpture  than  he  is  of  heroic  poetry.  The 
hero  in  ADDISOX'S  Campaign,  to  be  sure,  rode  on  the  whirlwind  and 
directed  the  storm  in  a  great  wig ;  but  an  illustration  representing 
him  as  he  appeared  on  that  occasion,  would  be  funny. 

The  face  of  a  statue  in  the  modem  costume,  constitutes — when 
unusually  well  executed— the  only  difference  between  a  work  of  art 
and  a  dummy.  In  the  German  slang  of  the  day  such  an  image  might 
indeed  be  called  an  art-dummy.  The  only  reason  why,  in  criticising 
such  a  statue,  a  cobbler  ought  to  confine  himself  to  the  chaussure  is, 
that  a  cobbler  is  not  a  tailor.  But  in  the  case  of  the  very  best  statue 
of  a  WELLINGTON  that  could  be  made,  a  cobbler  would  be  a  competent 
judge;  for  that  statue  would  be  a  boot.  Such  was  the  monument 
which  the  contemporaries  of  our  great  Chief  erected  to  him  in  leather. 
The  cobbler  would  perhaps  hold  that,  for  the  proposed  memorial,  there 
is  still  nothing  like  leather— but  there  he  would  be  a  prejudiced  man. 
|  Let  us  endorse  the  taste  and  judgment  of  our  predecessors,  and  per- 


petuate their  idea  in  marble.    We  can  make  a  decent  boot,  and  may' 
perhaps,  make  a  tolerable  statue  of  one. 

The  highest  honour  that  we  pay  to  our  most  illustrious  personages 
is  that  of  applying  their  names  to  boots— we  denominate  our  highlows 
BLUCHERS,  ALBERTS,  COBURGS— and  our  boot  of  boots  is  the  WEL- 
LINGTON. The  most  noble  Order  of  the  Boot  is  conferred  on  none 
but  Princes  and  Warriors ;  there  is  the  NEWTONIAN  theory  and  the 
DAVY  Lamp ;  but  there  are  no  NEWTONS  at  14s.  Crf.  or  DAVYS  at  12*. 
Indeed,  the  honour  of  the  boot  is  very  properly  decreed  only  to 
those  who  have  won  their  spurs,  and  the  recollection  of  this  circum- 
stance may  animate  many  a  youthful  private  and  predestined  Field 
Marshal,  whose  feelings  may  be  faintly  expressed  in  the  following 
lines : — 

Said  the  bravest  of  young  recruits, 

I  go  where  the  cannons  rattle, 
My  name  with  the  names  of  boots 
Shall  shine  for  my  deeds  in  battle ! 

Enough  has  probably  now  been  said  to  convince  everybody  at  all 
conversant  with  the  suloject,  that  the  new  WELLINGTON  statue  ought 
to  be  a  WELLINGTON  Boot. 


OUR  IMPORTANT  ANNOUNCEMENT,  LAST  WEEK. 

WE  had  hoped  to  be  in  a  condition  to  make,  this  week,  the  astound- 
ing revelation  to  which  we  referred  in  our  last.    We  are.    But  we 
!  have  reason  to  think,  from  communications  which  have  reached  us,  that 
I  the  world  is  not  in  a  condition  to  receive  the  intelligence.    A  few  days 
more  of   preparation  seem  imperatively  demanded.     We  solemnly 
pledge  ourselves,  however,  that  nothing  shall  defer  the  announcement, 
in  all  its  fulness,  beyond  our  next  number.    In  the'  mean  time  we 
|  earnestly  implore   all,   all,  without  distinction    of   age    or    sex,  to 
BEWARE  OF  THE ! 


Printed  by  WiUi.mBr.db.ry,  of  No.  13  Upper  Wob.rn  Pl.ce.  .nd  Frederick  Mnllett  Fran.,  of  No.  19.  Queen'.  Bo«d  We.t,  Resent'.  P.rk.  both  in  <he  Pari.h  of  St.  Pancr...  in  the  County  of  Middlesex. 
Printer.,  «i  their  Oftce  In  Lonjburd  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  WhitttrUr.,  ill  he  City  of  London,  and  rub.ith.ed  by  them  at  No.  86,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  rums  of  St.  Drlde,  in  the  City  of 
London. — OATCHUAY,  August  1,  195J. 


AUGUST  8,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


51 


SCENE  IN  OXFORD  STREET. 


CASE  FOR  THE  POLICE." 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE 


petitioning  for  such  things  to  two  chambers,  in  one  of  which,  almost 

•ily  men  with  bruins  ;ir<:  retired  :iml  enriched  lawyers,  and  ill  the 
(it her  the  same  noxious  element,  is  about  ten  times  as  prevalent.     U  In 
not  establish  Mich  Courts  for  themselves,  milking  compact,  to  he  liound  I 
by  the  decisions  ?     The  fraudulent   Trustees  Bill  w:is  read  a  sicond 
LOUD  I'.itouGiiAM  telling  a  good  story  of  »  boy  who,  choosing  a 
trade,  begged  to  be  brought  up  an  "executor,"  having  noticed  that  it  ' 
urns)  be  a  good  business,  as,  ever  since  his  father  had  been  one,  there 
hail  always  been  meat  in  the  house. 

SIR  (iKoRtJi:  GUKY  proposed  to  hand  over  the  powers  of  the  Board 
of  Health  to  a  Committee  of  the  K.lueational  Council,  but  finally  gave 
it  up,  and  arranged  to  take  a  continuance  of  the  powers  of  the  Board. 
The  Metropolis  and  all  the  provincial  cities  being  now  so  thoroughly 
drained  and  cleansed,  the  Thames  being  so  completely  purified,  and 
every  precaution  being  everywhere  in  readiness,  should  epidemic  or 
disease  break  out,  (the  stencil  which  happens  to  poison  the  House  of 
Commons  every  day  is  a  trifle  not  worm  mentioning,)  the  health  of 
t  lie  people — none  of  whom  now  live  in  crowded  lodging-houses,  without 
'•  and  other  convcniencies—  may  be  considered  as  perfectly  cared 
for,  and  the  "  local "  folks  are  right  in  asking  to  abolish  a  Board  for 
which  there  is  no  further  use. 

The  evening's  debate  was  on  Military  Education,  and  when  the 
beau-ideal  which  the  House  proposes  to  itself  as  the  model  of  a 

hull  be  realised,  there  will  no  longer  be  anything  unreasonable 
in  the  sentiments  of  the  females  who  reside  in  the  neighbourhood  of 
(lie  MISSKS  KEXWIGS,  and  behold  in  the  wax  image  in  the  spirited 
young  hairdresser's  window  that  conformation  found  only  in  Military 
Men  and  Angels.  A  resolution  that  the  military  angels,  especially 
those  on  the  staff,  ought  to  receive  a  higher  education  than  now,  and 
that  competitive  examination  should  be  one  of  its  elements,  was 
agreed  to. 

The  writs  for  Mayo  and  Galway  were  refused,  and  instead,  the  Irish 
v-General  was  ordered  to  prosecute  the  priests  Cox  WAY  and 
RYAN.  Some  of  the  Irish  members,  of  the  anti-English  party,  opposed 
the  prosecution,  but  were  beaten  by  overwhelming  majorities  on  three 
divisions,  and  indeed  may  be  charitably  supposed  to  have  shown  light 
only  to  please  their  masters,  the  Irish  priests. 

Wednesday.  Mr.  Punch  has  but  to  put  forth  his  influence  in  earnest 
to  secure  a  glorious  victory  for  any  party  into  whose  scale  he  may 
throw  his  sword.  But  as  he  would  sooner  be  torn  to  pieces  by  wild 
horses,  or  talked  to  death  by  WISCODNT  WILLIAMS,  than  lend  any  aid, 
save  in  the  cause  of  virtue  and  humanity,  there  is  no  fear  of  his  gigantic 
powers  being  misdirected.  This  modest  statement  of  his  position  and 


Jul ii  '•llth,  Monday.  The  relief  of  Divorce  was  afforded  in  three  cases,   character  will  scarcely  \>e  deemed  irrelevant,  (not  that  he  cares^whether 

shown  1) 
obtain 


A  lit  tie  Indian  debate  was  got  up  in  the  Lords,  while  a  large  one 

was  raging  in  the   Commons.    LOUD  CLANRICARDE  adduced  some 

instances  of  the  utter  contempt  with  which  young  officers  in  the  Indian 

are  taught  to  regard  regimental  duty.    The  DUKE  OP  ARGYLL 

thought  it  premature  to  discuss  the  question  of  India  at  all. 

In  'the  Commons  L<>nn  I'ALMERSTON  was  perpetually  questioned  as 
to  whether  he  had  heard  from  India,  the  telegraph  being  due.  He  had 
not,  up  to  the  close  of  the  sitting  at  two  in  the  morning,  but  on 
Tuesday  private  pi-  ed  the  tidings,  published  on  Wednesday, 

that  Delhi  had  not  fallen,  that  the  mutiny  was  spreading,  that  there 
1 1  army  left,  and  that  English  soldiers  \vere  fast,  arriving. 
All  this  was  unknown  during  the  debate.  MR.  DISRAELI,  himself  not 
a  bad  representative  of  a  mutinous  Asiatic,  denounced  everything  that 
MI  done  in  India,  and  poor  VIBHOS  SMITH,  to  DlZZT's 
extreme  delight,  reproached  him  with  being  mischievous.  DISI;  ui.i 
wanted  a  Commission  sent  out  to  inquire  into  the  grievances  of  the 
rebels,  hut  this  was  too  ranch  for  the  English  spirit  of  LORD  JOHN 


to  every  Civil  Servant  who  has  more  than  one  hundred  a-year  an 
increase  of  five  per  cent.,  and  an  increase  of  two  and  a  half  per  cent,  to 
every  such  servant  with  an  income  under  that  amount.  Of  the 
banquet  which  the  Sixteen  Thousand  Servants  intend  to  offer  to  Mr. 
Punch,  in  testimony  of  gratitude,  full  details  will  be  given  in  due  time. 

MR.  Bi'.KXAL  OSBORNE  delivered  a  rather  amusing  and  abusing 
attack  upon  some  people  who  had  petitioned  against  his  return  for 
Dover,  and  two  more  victims  were  sacrificed  at  the  altar  of  Purity  of 
Election,  the  two  members  for  Yarmouth.  We  thought  something 
would  come  of  the  shower  of  Herrings  announced  the  other  day. 
These  signs  and  tokens  ought  not  to  be  neglected. 

Thursday.  LORD  ELLENBOROUGH  argued  with  much  justice,  that 
the  Government  of  India  was  not  directed  by  the  GOVERNOR-GENERAL 
in  person,  but  by  secretaries  and  clerks.  The  old  frumps  in  Leaden- 
hall  Street  like  a  large  batch  of  dispatches,  because  they  look  fussy 
and  business-like,  and  so  everything  is  done  in  writing,  instead  of 
officials  being  brought  face  to  face,  and  settling  matters  in  ten  minutes 


i.,  who  moved  as  an  amendment  that  the  House  should  address    Some  of  these  India  House  people'  make  their  servants  address  them 
the  (,M  i  r.v,  ami  assure  her  of  every  assistance^  inputting  the  rebels   m  letters  on  all  occasions.    One  Director  insists  on  this  sort  of  thing 
down, 
of  the 

into  office),  . 

AYRTOX,  of  the  Tower  Hamlets,  who  appears  to  have  taker,  a  vow  to 
speak  upon  all  oce  :itsoever,  but  who,  having  practised  as  a 

barrister  in  India,  had  sonic  right  to  be  heard  to-night,  tried  to  get  the 

adjourned,  but  was  beaten  by  203  to  79.    There  was 
deal  of  speaking  besides,  and  DISRAELI'S  taunting  reply,  when'.he  had 
only  to  be  personal  and  sarcastic,  was  evident Iv  so  much  more  in 


Awaiting  your  reply,  I  have  the  honour  to  remain,  Sir,  your  very 


obedient  and  very  humble  Servant,  JOHN  THOMAS.— 1st  August,  1857." 
This  the  old  fool  dockets,  marking  on  the  outside,  "  Answered,  Dry," 
and  puts  the  whole  away,  under  lock  and  key.  And  on  this  system 
the  Company  makes  its  servants  act,  and  then  wonders  that  nothing 
is  done. 


esl  than  his  speech,  which  dealt  with  grave  interests,  that  he  was  jn  tne  Commons,  MR.  ADDERLEY  complained  of  the  pestilential 
very  successful.  He  nicknamed  LORD  JOHN  HussEi.r.  die  Halcyon,  -tench  which  comes  every  evening  into  every  window  of  the  river-front 
brooding  on  bright  waters,  and  (he  added,  wit li  a  little  confusion  of  Of  the  Houses  of  Parliament.  SIR  BENJAMIN  HALL  very  properly 
metaphor)  playing  a  conciliatory  card  to  assist  Government.  A  explained  that  for  the  non-drainage  of  the  Metropolis  the  parties 
halcyon  at  whist  is  a  notion  worthy  an  Asian  mystic.  Finally,  the  responsible  were  the  chattering  Do-nothings  of  the  Central  Works 
Halcyon's  amendment  was  unanimously  adopted.  ^  ;tseif  aimost  a  greater  nuisance  than  any  of  the  nuisances  it 

'<'!/.  The  Liverpool  people  petition  for  Courts  of  Reconcilement,  |  neglects  to  abate.     \Ve  shall  have  to  abolish  tlu's  Board,  we  see  that, 
wherein  quarrels  may  be  settled  at  once,  and  the  lawyers  be  prevented       The  Divorce  Bill  came  on  for  second  reading.    It  was  proposed  by 
from  plunder.     The  Liverpool  people  are  sensible  men,   except  in  '•  SIR  RICHARD  BKTIIELL,  and  then  opposed  by  Eleven  gentlemen.   This 


52 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  8,  1857. 


oppositi  -.-mild  not  give  the  Government  another  innings  all 

night.    Reasons  as  follows:  — 
SIB.  WILLIAM  HEATIICOTE,  because  he  is  member  for  the  University 

"  Mil°lh:NKY  PUVMMOSD,  because  he  likes  to  talk  scholarly  theo- 
logical mystification.  .  . 

MR.  LYCOS,  because  marriage  is  a  venerable  institution. 

Mi;    I^-LLEN,  because  many  parsons  oppose  the  Bill. 

Mu  WioiiAM  because  he  is  member  for  the  University  ot  Cambridge. 

\I  a,  HATCHELL,  because  the  Irish  peasant  girls  are  very  virtuous. 

M  ii    Hen  i  SB,  because  he  is  the  tool  9!'  the  Romish  priests. 

MK!MU:  ••  he  is  an  Opposition  barrister 

Loun  JOHN  MAXNEHS,  because  he  is  incapable  of  understanding  tiie 

MR.  GLADSTONE,  because  he  wanted  to  make  a  long  speech  at  an  : 
hour  when  the  House  would  listen. 

Mu.  NAPIER,  ditto. 

The  last  two  demanded  adjournment,  to  which  PALMEKSTON  had  no 
objection,  but  the  House  had  a  great  one,  and  opposed  it  by  li 
125.    Anybody,  however,  can  force  an  adjournment,  and  therefore  one 
was  ultimately  agreed  to. 

•<.  The  battle  was  renewed.    MR.  GLADSTONE  delivered  an 
enormously  Ions  speech  against  the  Bill ;  cited  Latin,  and  Greek,  and 
the  Bible,  LORD  STOWELL,  ORKJEX,  LACTANTIUS,  and  the  Qttartgrly 
;:m\  made  some  amusing  hits  at  the  expense  of  the  ATTORNEY- 
.  L,  who  had  invented  a  new  beatitude,  " Blessed  is  the  man 
that  trusts  the  Received  Version."  Sir,  GEORGE  GREY  rebuked  MR.  G. 
for  his  subtle  cxercitations  on  texts  which  may  be  made  to  mean  any- 
thing, and  recommended  common  sense  in  preference,  common  sense  ] 
teaching  you  that  where  the  essence  of  marriage  has  been  destroyed, 


the  parties  ought  to  be  enabled  to  separate.  LORD  LOVAINE  opposed 
the  Bill,  and  urged  the  remonstrance  of  the  Clergy.  The  new 
SOLICITOR-GENERAL  replied  that  the  weight  of  authority  among  tlie 
heads  of  the  Church  had  already  been  thrown  in  favour  of  the  Bill. 
MR.  HENLEY  grumbled  about  having  more  time.  MR.  WALPOLE  spoke 
ably  in  favour  of  the  measure,  :md  was  indeed  the  only  speaker  who 
could  or  did  worthily  tackle  MR.  GLADSTONE.  MR.  NAPIER,  as  a 
University  Member,  took  the  clerical  view,  and  the  ATTORN EY-GENERAL 
in  reply  taunted  MR.  GLADSTONE  with  opposing  in  1857  the  same  Bill 
which  the  Cabinet  of  1354.,  of  which  he  was  a  distinguished  member, 
had  introduced.  The  second  reading  of  the  Divorce  Bill  was  then 
carried  by  208  to  97 ;  majority  for  it,  111. 

Having  told  the  story  of  the  Divorce  Bill,  Mr.  Putich  will  further 
remark  that  on  Friday  night  LORD  ELLENBOROUGH  had  another  shot 
at  the  alleged  inaction  of  the  Indian  authorities,  and  LORD  GRANVILLE 
brought  up  an  unexpected  ally  in  the  person  of  Lucius  ^EjflLius,  who 
remonstrated  in  the  Roman  Senate  against  criticisms  in  war-time. 
'Rather  a  smart  debate  followed,  just  enough  to  give  their  Lordships' 
an  appetite  for  dinner  at  7  30. 

lu  the  Commons,  before  Divorce,  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL  gave  notice 
of  a  new  project  for  seating  M.  DE  ROTHSCHILD— a  Select  Committee 
to  consider  whether  the  last  act  touching  oaths  affected  the  Parlia- 
mentary oaths.  A  brief  debate  on  the  Indian.  Army  brought  out  the 
most  explicit  denials  from  the  Government  that  they  had  ever  the 
slightest  idea  of  spreading  Christianity  in  India — they  were  indeed 
quite  indignant  at  so  injurious  an  imputation. 

"  Pray  /ft  /'s  see  as  much  of  you  as  possible,  there's  a  dear,  between 
this  and  tlie  24M,  on  which,  day  we  are  going  to  Scotland,"  one  ofl  the 
Princesses  writes  to  Mr.  Punch.  Less  than  three  weeks,  therefore, 
will  again  vest  the  kingdom  in  the  Dictator,  PALMERSTON.  But  all  is 
herene, — PAM  is  King,  but  Punch  is  Viceroy  over  him. 


ENCOURAGEMENT  TO  WHOLESALE  DEALERS  IN  BRUTALITY. 

EVERY  play  -  goer  in 
what  are  known  to 
actors  as  "the  Pro- 
vinces," must  be  well 
familiar  with  The  War- 
lock of  the  (j/e/i,  apiece 
in  which,  if  we  can 
rightly  recollect,  the 
prevalence  of  mystery 
excites  a  "  thrilling 
interest."  Another 
WARLOCK  has  how- 
ever come  before  our 
notice,  whose  case,  as 
dealt  with  at  the  Wor- 
ship Street  Police 
Court,  seems  more 
mysterious  by  far  than 
that  of  his  dramatic 
namesake.  Of  the  per- 
formances of  this 
WARLOCK — Christian- 
named  as  ROBERT — 
the  Times  reports  as 
follows : — 

"  MRS.  JANE  FEDGWTCK, 
a  delicate-looking  woman, 
the  wife  of  a  tradesman 
in  the  City  Road,  stat-l 
that  while  passing  throng h 
Bishopsgate  Street  on  bn- 
turday  evening,  lean  ing  on 
the  arm  of  her  husband  ; 
tiie  prisoi  er,  whom  she 

had  never  seen,  before,  as  she  believed,  came  suddenly  in  front  of  them,  and,  without  saying  a  word,  or  any- 
thing occurring  to  induce  him  to  do  so,  struck  her  a  heavy  blow  upon  the  bosom.  She  had  previously  suffered 
much  pain  from  her  neck,  but  the  blow  the  prisoner  dealt  her  had  made  it  worse  than  it  hai  ever  been, 
and  even  while  giving  her  evidence  she  w;ia  suffering  great  pain  from  it. 

"  The  complainant's  husband  deposed  to  the  unprovoked  nature  of  the  attack,  the  prisoner  run  'ling  awny 
the  moment  hs  had  m.ide  it ;  and  LAMBERT,  a  constable  attached  to  one  of  the  theatres,  deposed  to  feeing  the 
prisoner  striking  and  kicking  three  officers  who  h;id  secured  him,  and  that,  on  his  advising  him  to  ^o  quietly 
and  not  res  Jjle,  the  prisoner  broke  away  from  the  officers,  and  knocked  his  hat  off,  an  1,  on  his 

r  it,  dealt  him  such  a  violent  kick  upon  the  temple  that  he  had  been  unable  to  rest  all 
night,  and  could  not  touch  his  i'ace  from  the  pain  he  endured." 

The  &  of  this  is  considerably  more  farcical  than  seems  to  be  .appropriate,  for  we 

find  it  next  recorded  that,  after  pleading  drunkenness  as  an  "  extenuating  circumstance," 

"  The  prisoner  having  declared  that  he  had  not  the  slightest  recollection  of  anything  that  had  occu'Ted,1 
"  MR.  D'Kvv  :  ed  him  to  pay  penalties  to  the  amount  of  £3,  or,  in  default,  to  undergo!  six 

weeks'  hard  labour  in  the  House  of  Correction." 

What  most  puzzles  us  in  this,  is  to  find  that  the  police  assaults  were  leniently  dealt  with. 
We  are  prepared  to  find  a  Magistrate  awarding  a  light  punishment  for  the  trifling  offencApf 
knocking  down  a  woman,  but  when  a  policeman  has  so  much  as  a  whisker  even  ruffled, 


expect  the  heaviest  sentence  for  the  dastara'y 
attack.  Yet  here  there  was  clear  proof  that  the 
prisoner  had  savagely  assaulted  four  policemen, 
and,  by  a  most  mysterious  blindness  on  the 
Bench,  justice  takes  no  heed  of  the  quadrupled 
enormity,  and  passes  sentence  only  for  the.  femi- 
nine assault. 

For  we  cannot  bring  ourselves  to  the  belief 
that  MB.  D'ErxcouRT  included  in  his  £3  penalty 
all  the  five  assaults.  This  would  have  him 
charging  them  at  twelve  shillings  a-piece,  which 
would  have  been  obviously  much  too  low  a 
figure.  Or  are  we  to  infer  that  in  the  fines 
which  are  imposed  at  our  Police  Courts  there  is 
allowed  a  reduction  to  those  who  take  a  quantity '( 
Certainly  if  WARLOCK'S  case  be  made  a  prece- 
dent, the  British  ruffian  will  find  it  every  bit  as 
cheap  to  commit  a  score  of  outrages  as  only  one 
or  two.  It  will  be  to  his  advantage  to  deal  his 
blows  and  kicks  in  a  more  wholesale  way  than 
formerly,  for  the  more  assaults  he  is  charged 
with,  tlie  more  discount  he  will  get :  and  if  his 
brutalities  be  priced  by  MR.  D'ErecouRT,  he 
will  find  it  save  his  pocket  to  have  gone  the 
entire  brute. 


THE  MEDICAL  MA.N  TO  HIS  MISTRESS. 

UPON  one  "fringed  curtain" 

Of  thy  so  lustrous  eyne, 
Hath  come,  'tis  but  too  certain, 

A  residence  for  swine, 
That  eye,  with  tears  suffusing, 

Is  plaintive  in  eclipse, 
My  tardy  hand  accusing, 

Accuse  me,  too,  thy  lips. 

Dearest,  my  willing  lancet 

Must  yet  delay  its  lunge  ; 
Somewhat  thou  may'st  advance  it 

With  poultice  and  with  sponge. 
One  cut,  a  little  later, 

The  blinding  stye  shall  heal, 
And  make  a  new  Spectator 

With  the  gentle  touch  of  Steel. 


A   STRONG-MlXDED  WOMAN'S  SNEER.— What 

in  a  Woman  is  called  "curiosity,"  in  a  Man  is 
grandiloquently  magnified  into  the  ''  spirit  of 
inquiry." 


i-9T  8,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHAHTV 


THE  STRAW  STIEEED   IN   THE  AUGEAN   STABLE. 

EF<'  rill  of 

burn  a  bishop. 

;ie  jjrin- 


i'    is    '• 


TIIK  OLD 


LADY'S   EI.'KKKA; 
T1IK   t'L 


OR,  DEATH   TO 


i..  \\  ori 

_  Ml! 

when- 
ever  II"  mi   the  river  front   were  fi'icn  —  whether  1' 

- 


So  ofi  •;,  Ah,  drat  i  il   last  my  pray 

granted  ; 

.1  : 
Moil  re  ;  ilion, 

ion. 
Like  blotting-paper  i'  appear    a  to 

A  drop  of  water  pours  on  it,  and  sets  it  some  coin. 

i he  hopes  of  sue' 
And  1  can  truly  tell  y  ,<m. 

i  see  they  i 
.inks,   away  Hie..  SC-NUO  more  of  them 


the  deposits  of 
forth. 


bones  and  other  refuse  oa  tie 


wfciA  Ehowed  tin*,  a*  bane-faoikrs 

it  was  bccav-  -  r,  had  ahered  tie 

t  hem,  and  4  hat  if  local  authorities  nefeeted  t 


eg 


duty,  UK  Commons 


.-.  al  Bill, 

ii <r  as  bone -boilers 
hoMefcoMer 

She  vested 
ut  now  that   the    smell   is  1  roil  ;h 
LTS  look  to  it  !     '' 

of  local  self-government,  which    cannot   be 
1  DO  dear,  a1  cost  of  preyent.ible  disease  or  excessive 

1,'lect  itlCOinillodi  'IIERLEY 

', KKR  in  his   chair.    Bumbledom  totters!     As 
Government,  what  iniquities  are  perpetrated  in  thy 


is  one  of 


improved  police.—  "Centralisation  !  " 
id  asks   for  powers  to  elr; 

healthy.—  "Centrauaatkn)  I"  sqn 

k  of  Aristocracy,  Demoer, 
ending  fore;  There  is  one 

Its  seat 
Beadle's 
and  interest 

,  selfishnr 


i,  :  -,-  j;cM.  I.,,  -roan  un(jer  the 

MO  almighty  Bumble  ? 


Second  Election  Committee  Bulletin. 

IV  INK    Ml!.    M'fYl.LAGH 

a  duller  and  duller; 
d  .\i  R.  Vi  i  : 

l''or  omv,  Hi  luck's  not  kin; 
MOYKI;  HEATHI 

irliamenl  saith)  cut: 
I'AIIDV   Si  i 

i'')rt  in  nun' 

And  i   GLOVEK 

Is  turned  out  of  cover. 

iillcult  rhyid  ,.,.],._ 

lor  Yarmouth  and  lliu  ;,go  and  BeTerley. 


The  Sight  of  Netley. 

'ST™  Jp'Cir,— "What   do  urn  mane  by  compiainun  o'tlirXite 
The  Cockney*  be  alwuz  a  gwiun  to  zeo't;   and  by  all 
s  1  hrai>,  moast  oil  'em  conziders  the  pleace  about  as  purtv  a 
*  they  ever  zin. 

"  Yonrn,  Trcwly,  Zow -"\VESTKII." 


Out  of  your  sight  they  sroes  and  die';,  like 

"  Ca;  i  k  as  have. 

To  kill  the  s warming divils  quick,  they  ain't  forto  be  named  'lungside  'cm: 
i,  though  they  're  pison  r»nk  ' 

At   least   thev 
t'otier 
I  vmUmt  ttj  'cm  tm  mj  crit  if  I  eodU  fay  'tm  «•  Mother 


thank,  and  ba&u  ct  on 

to  that,  they  may  or  tafn'i  hurt  one  or 


THI-:  liROTTO 

AT  this  time  of  the  year,  anybody  remaining  in  Town,  will  do  well 
to  alt  '  .  ^  out  in  the  oldi  i  got. 

uaintance  are  at  the  sea-side;  and  thcojsler  net 
has  just  commenced.    Therefore  he  will  be  seen  by  few  who  will  notice 
isure  or  deriiion,  and  he  will  perhaps  avert  the  impor- 


tunities of  the  children  who  pester  the  pedestrian  with  entreaties  to 
"  remember  the  grotto."  This  is  a  great  nuisance  to  everybody,  but 
it  is  peculiarly  irritating  to  persons  who  are  expected  to  take  evi 
thins  coolly—  namely,  philosophers.  The  peripatetic  philosopher  is 
interrupted  in  his  meditations  by  the  demands  of  the  little  imps  who 
annually,  at  this  time  of  the  year,  torment  the  London  public  like 
those  other  emissaries  of  BEELZEBUB,  the  I! 

No  philosopher,  moreover,  has  any  money  to  throw  away;  and  to 
meet  the  annoyance  with  concession,  would  involve  B  '   and 

progressive  disirilmti  n  of  halfpence.  This  would  be  disbursement  to 
a  pretty  tune  —  not  that  of  "Sing  a  Son;/  rf  Sixpence"—  for  many  six- 
pences would  be  needful  to  eou-til  me  t!  nd  a 

pocket  full  of  halfpence  would  very  soon  become  empty.     Any  one 

absorbed  in  tlioi'L'ht,  is  going  along  with  hi  ed  cloud- 

wards,  and  not  taking  particular  oe  of  things  that  are  sub- 

lunary and  passing  beneath  his  nose,  will  very  probably  walk  over 
several  of  these  brats,  for  they  throw  themselves  light  in  the  way  of 

•istest  and  fattest  walker,  without   the   slightest  regard  to'  his 
momentum,  or  consideration  of  his  corpulence.    He  therefore  runs  so 
many  risks  of  squelching  an  infant  or  breaking  his  own  shins. 
It.  i  i  which  the  police  ought  to  step  in  and  interfere;  but, 

y  will  not,  the  only  plan  to  avert  the  applications  and  attacks  of 

•:ulliful  bores,  is  the  expedient  of  dressing  shabbily,     lint,  to  be 
must,  be  very  seedy  indeed,  so 

•ik  a  very  near  approximation  to  abject   poverty.     Those  who 
a  point  of  wearing  new,  or  comparatively  new,  and  we  il  made 
clothes,  would  be  astonished  to  know  what  a  very  old  mid  > 

.  with  other  habiliments  to  match,  is  i  e  the 

T  from  being  pestered  by  mendicants.     A  suit,  of  !  ; 
or  a  smock  frock  and  corduroys,  would  perhaps  be  requisite  for 

i'iion  against  the  little    beir;:ais  who  make  the  return   of  the 

,  and  the  pretence  of  building  a  grotto  with  <>  -,  an 

excuse  for  begging. 

Destructive  Habits. 

IT  is  said  that  the  early  bird  picks  up  the  worm  :  hut  gentlemen  who 
smoke—  and  ladies  who  dance  —  till  three  or  four  in  Hi-  .will 

do  well  to  consider  that  the  worm  also  picks  up  the  early  bird. 

A  WELL-BAHNED  TITLE.—  The  atrabilious  Record,  from   the  reek- 
its   statements,  is  now,   by  all  lovers   of  truth, 
always  spoken  of  as—  The  Random  Record. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  8,  1857. 


NOT    A     BAD     IDEA     FOR     WARM     WEATHER. 

Frederick.  "Now,  GIRLS,  PULL  AWAY— DON'T  BE  IDLE!" 


BEER  BARRELS  v.  SUNDAY  BANDS. 


woe  o      ,  no  a     escrp 

A  REMARKABLE  statement  was  made  the  other  day  in  aletter  to  the  i  ,1,..,]  fl  ,•.,,,„;„,,  vn,,r,  t 
oving  Post  by  "A  FRIEND  TO  HARMLESS  ENJOYMENT."     This 


its  beak,  and  fix  a  barley-corn  on  the  extremity  9f  its  tail,  and  start  it 
to  swim  over  that  sheet  of  impure  water,  the  bird  would  convert  the 
whole  of  it,  into  a  description  of  beer  infinitely  superior  to  what  we 


by      

individual  cited  the  report  of  a  recent,  meeting  of  the   Protestant, 
Defence  Association  on  the  subject  of  the  People's  Sunday  Bands  in 


suppression. 

the  correspondent  of  the  Post  represents  as  one 
brewers.  We  should  think  he  must  have  been  somebody  else.  No  j 
respectable  or  sensible  brewer  would  surely  be  such  a  stupid  humbug 
as  to  go  and  abuse  Sunday  Bands,  well  knowing  that  an  immense 
number  of  publicans  were  selling  his  beer,  and  known  to  be  selling  it, 
all  the  while  the  bands  were  playing,  and  during  a  much  greater  part 
of  the  Sabbath  besides.  Such  a  hypocritical  goose  would  be  unworthy 


MERETRICIOUS  RELICS. 

WILL  not  the  POPE  call  the  Franciscan  monks  of  Porsoyenereto 
account  for  their  alleged  maintenance  of  an  imposture,  which  His 
Holiness  must,  needs  regard  as  impious  humbug  ?  According  to  aletter 
from  La  Spezia,  quoted  by  the  Opinions  of  Turin,  the  above-named 
friars,  having  been  forced  to  leave  their  convent  the  other  day,  by  the 
law  for  the  suppression  of  monastic  establishments,  walked  oft  with  a 
quantity  of  sacred  utensils,  and  other  valuables,  among  which  were 
"  the  ear-n>irjs  of  the  VIRGIN  MARY  !  "  The  idea  of  even  any  commonly 
sensible  and  right-minded  lady  wearing  ear-rings  !  Is  there  any  other 
article  of  female  vanity  preserved  by  these  monks  as  a  companion 


on  the  integrity  of  his  own  Entire. 

No  measures  for  the  suppression  of  Sunday  Bands  could  be  con- 
templated by  a  consistent  brewer,  except  pewter  measures,  which,  with 
then-  contents,  might  be  put  into  competition  with  musical  allure- 
ments; pots  and  pothouses  against  parks  and  subscription-bands  for 
the  people.  Of  course  MB.  HANBURY,  of  HANBURY  &  Co.,  would 
not  attack  the  Sunday  orchestra  with  any  other  weapons  than  pints 
and  quarts:  unless,  indeed,  all  MESSRS.  HANBURY  &  Go's  public- 
houses  are  obliged  by  them  to  remain  closed  during  the  whole  of  Sunday. 
It  may  be  that  such  is  the  case.  We  do  not  know  that  it  is  not.  We 
will  look  next  Sunday  and  ascertain  what  is  the  fact :  many  other.:  will 
perhaps  do  the  same.  If  MR.  HANBURY  the  brewer  was  really  the 
HAXBURY  alluded  to  by  the  Morning  Post,  we  should  take  the  liberty 
of  saying  to  that  gentleman,  "HANBURY,  don't  talk  any  more  of  that 
nonsense,  but  go  and  mind  your  beer.  If  the  stuif  you  brew  is  as  bad 
as  the  stuif  you  talk,  it  must  be  extremely  bad  beer.  Were  you  to  take 
a  duck  on  the  banks  of  the  Serpentine,  and  stick  a  hop  on  the  tip  of 


of  the  name  of  HANBUKY,  which  is  associated  with  that  of  TRUMAN.   '  v    ?  f  ^  rou^e  '*&" .  "or  I'smts-jupe  bouffante?    But'  there 

He  would  subject  his  personal  genuineness  to  doubt,  and  draw  suspicion  may  be  a  ^ght  mj8^ke.^  the  statement  in  the  Opinions.    Perhaps  the 

Porsovenere  Franciscans  are  impostors  a  little  less  profane  than  they 
are  represented  to  be  by  that  account.  Peradventure  the  ear-rings  ot 
which  they  are  in  possession,  are  pretended  by  them  to  be  merely 
those  of  ST.  MARY  MAGDALEN— before  her  conversion. 


For  Export  to  India. 

WE  never,  as  must  have  been  remarked,  make  a  joke  upon  a  name, 
but  we  happen  to  know  a  person  who  made  one  the  other  day.  MAJOR 
GENERAL  JOHN  HEARSEY  is  a  gallant  and  skilful  officer,  and  as 
Colonel  of  the  Sixth  Bengal  Light  Cavalry,  was.  a  perfect  Bengal 
Light  to  the  Indian  army  during  the  Infantry  Mutiny  at  Barrackpore. 
Well,  the  QUEEN  has  very  graciously  made  him  an  .Extra  Military 
K.C.B.  The  person  to  whom  we  referred  says,  that  he  is  glad  that 
some  of  the  attention  always  bestowed  on  General  Rumour  has  also 
been  shown  to  General  Hearsay. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— AUGUST  8,  1857. 


THE    ASIATIC    MYSTERY. 

As  Prepared  by  Sepoy  D'Israeli. 


AUOOST  8,  1857.] 


;CH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


REFORM    YOUR    RAILWAY    CALLS. 

Wi:  lately  noticed  I  lie  extreme  economy  of  speech  which  is  ]!: 
upon  most,  if  not  on   nil  our   Railroads,  on  the   part  of  those 

train  that  stops  tie 

;ve  station  :it.  whieh  they  arc  stationed,  thrown 

out  in  J'/n/rfi  are  invariably  acted  on.it,  is  no  surprise  to  u 

«  hieli  we  instanced,  there  lias  been  since  our  remon- 
strance, ,-i  decidedly  more  liberal  supply  <>(  language.     We  ha\ 
than  once  Ijcen  gratitied  b\  In  inciation  of 

Gloss,"  and  i  U-en  treated  with  the  mi-sing  syl- 

lables which  expand  the  abbreviated  "'N'am  "  into  "  Sydenham.''  The 
spin!  of  imp!  infectious,  and  its  effects  are 

eudent.ly   spreading   to   adjacent  stations.     A   month  ; 
should  ha\e  dreamt  of  healing  anything  but  "Nor"  when  our  train 
pulled  up  at,  Norwood,  but,  yesterday  we  heard  the  word  in  its  com- 
plete dissyliability  ;  and  this  very  afternoon  we  have  posith  ely  had  no 

,  turned  :'--  shock  of  jo 

hear  I  hep!  "tixedto  "  Forest  'ill ;  "   afeatthat.no' 

older  can,  we  fancy,  call  to  mind  that  he  has  ever  heard! 

accomplish 

\VetruM  that  this  example  will  be  generally  followed,  and 

&  of  articulation  will  be  more  attended  to. 
Even  on  the  Eastern  Counties  there  is  room  for  some  reform  in 

if  not  in  any  other.     U'e  were  lately  travellers  on  this 
delightful  Hue,  and  the  tediousness  of  our  journey  pleasantly 

•iled    In    the    excitement   of  endeavouring,   when    we    reached,   a 
:ie  name  of  it  in  what  awled  out  to  us. 

In  the  first  thin  if  Eastern  Counties  travelling  there  are  no 

less  than  four  stopping  slat/ions  haung  names  of  two  syllables,  the  hist, 
of  which  is  "  ford : "  and  as  the  prefix  Strat-,  I1-,  Chelms-,  or  B.OUI-,  is 
very  rarely  audible,  a  nervous  passenger  is  kept  in  an  unceasingly 
excited  state,  lest  in  this  quartette  of  "  fords  "  he  should  be  cornea 
past  the  right  one,  the  chances  being  three  to  one  at  least  in  favour  of 
his  being  so. 

Now  the  accident  of  having  thus  jjot  out  at  a  wrong  station,  althoagk 
•  to  the  person  of  a  passenger,  further  than  perhaps 
the  postponement  of  his  dinner,  st  ill  cannot  but  be  somewhat  det  rimeutal 
to  his  mind ;  giving  rise  to  feelings  which  no  relieving  expletives  will 
easily  calm  down.  And  to  prevent  as  far  as  may  be  the  recurrence  of 
such  accidents,  we  suggest  that  every  railway  should  start  an  elocution 
class,  which  every  station-caller  engaged  upon  the  line  should,  once  a 
.  at  least,  be  expected  to  attend.  Moreover,  it  might  be  as  well 
to  have  some  special  auditors  of  stations'  names  appointed,  whose  duty 
it  should  be  to  travel  up  and  down  the  line,  and  weekly,  certify  that 
every  one  employed  had  bee  e  to  his  calling. 

Should  these  not  prove  sufficient  means  to  ensure  in  Railway  calls 
a  more  distinct  articulation,  we  would  recommend  that  the  utterance 
of  clipped  words  which  will  not,  pass  as  current  English  should  in 
future  be  considered  an   indietable   offence;    and   that,  it'  needful,  a ; 
special  Act  of  Parliament  be  passed  by  which  this  wilful  mutilation  of 
oiguagc  may  be  punished.    Because  a  Jew  considers  "clo"'  an 
equivalent  for  "  clothes,"  there  is  no  reason  why  a  Christian  should  be 
i  stingy  in  his  speech  ;  and  as  our  railway  men  arc  not  liornesc, 
their  language  does  not  force  them  to  the  use  of  only  monosyllables. 
Such  brevity  as  theirs  can  in  no  way  be  regarded  as  the  soul  of  wit, 
and  only  serves  to  raise  a  laugh  upon  the  wrong  side  of  one's  mouth, 
when  one  linds  it  has  induced  one  to  overshoot  one's  station.    From 
bearing  such  continual  contractions  of  speech,  a  passenger  might  almost 
.;  rig  out  at  stations  was  a  work  performed  by  con- 
not  the  case,  we  see  no  reason  why  these 
should  not  be  compelled  to  furnish  a  more  liberal 
llables.    As  it  is,   one  really  cannot  go  a  dozen  miles 
bearing  a  good  deal  of   what    in  its   curtailment 
lilcd  bad  language;   and  although  our  better  nature 
instinctively  iccoil  from  the  unenlightened  principle  of  giving  tit  for 
tat,  still  we  cannot  help  suggesting  that  officials  must  expect  ' 
called  names  themselves,  if  the)  will  not  take  the  pains  to  call 
more  distinctly. 


to  be 
names 


Distracted  Orders  carefully  Attended  to. 

Ix  the  Times  of  a  few  days   back,  there  was   an  advertisement, 
appallingly  headed      INSAHI   ATTENDANT   WANTED."     Without  in- 
dulging in  speculations  as  to  the  sort  of  person  who  can  desire  a 
lunatic  servant,  we  will  merely  mention  that  he  can  have  pi 
choice,  for  all  the  (                    <  s  went  perfectly  mad  with  mdisnation  at 
indent  emptiness  of  the  Government  excuse  for  diddling  them. 
In  fact,  Mit.  WILSOX  curiously,  made  every  one  of  them  as  mad  as  a 


QUESTION   FOK  TURFITE   PV  • 

ike  the  Oath  of  Abjuration  "on  the  true  faith  of  a  Christian." 
Why  can't  the 


[1TI1  O'miIEN'8  STUDS. 

An  Irish  Xitli, 

THE  studs  .  lost 

When  he  \\ 
How  1:,  i  heir  cost  ! 

Their  brilliancy  how  splendid  ! 
Win!  i:  (1  their  Chief, 

And  not  hi,  'hem, 

:ef, 

The  Warrior's  Captor,  stole  them. 

his  base  Champagne, 
The  fettered  Patriot,  otl't  r, 
The  !  i  aiii, 

And  scorned  the  dirty  proffer. 
from  his  manly  eyes  big  floods 
Aiming  tears  began  to 

•>ntiy,  and  the  studs 
Purloined  from  his  port  man 

Ifc  took  their  memory  o'er  the  sea, 

iuions  bore  him, 

And  fetched  it  hack  when  Tyranny 

:  riven  to  restore  him. 
His  bug  worn  bonds,  that,  now  were  burst, 

Hi»  knee  had  ne'er  n 

Be  spoke  the  wrong  which,  he  had  nursed 
In.  shwery  and  i 

•-clo^d  their  buds, 
And  still  the  Chieftain  thundered 


. 

read. 


ed  too  well, 

The  noble  weakness  pardon, 
Were  gems  of  M  n  •  \vn,  that  fell 

In  Boulagh's  cabbage  garden. 
He  bore  them  in  the  battle's  brunt, 

Against  the  foeman  craven. 
They  now  are  gone  from  his  breast-front, 

But  on  his  heart  engraven  ! 


WANTED,  A  SAW-PIT. 

Tin:  Brighton  Town  Council,  always  an  irascible  body,  had  a  good 
set-to  the  other  day,  about  the  Drainage.  A  Mn.  SAWYER,  who  was 
accused  of  having  "  a  prejudice  against  drainage  "  is  the  Chairman  of 
the  Highways  and  Works  Committee.  He  did  not  seem  at  all  dis- 
composed at  this  charge— most  men  of  ordinary  brains  and  humanity 
would  almost  prefer  to  be  accused  of  some  legal  crime — and  saidj 
(according  to  the  report  in  the  Brighton  Gazette)  that  "if  he  diea 
to-morrow,  he  would  not  wish  a  better  epitaph  on  his  grave  than  that 
he  obstinately  opposed  draining  the  sewage  into  the  sea."  Without 
expressing  any  undue  haste  for  the  apotheosis  of  any  gentleman, 
Mr.  Punch  must  say  that  if  the  health  of  Brighton  can  be  secured  only 
by  the  demise  of  SAWYER,  the  immediate  execution  of  that  party  had 
better  be  entrusted  to  a  committee  of  ;exeursionists,  who  will  go  down 
for  the  purpose,  suspend  SAWYKR  from  the  centre  arch  of  the  Chain 
pier,  and  afterwards  dine  together  in  celebration  of  the  auspicious 
event.  By  all  means  let  him  have  the  memorial  he  proposes. 

"  And  bo  old  SAWYER'S  (pikq>h  on  ho. 
'  He  would  uot  put  tbo  sewage  in  the  sea.' " 

Now.  if  SAWYKR  has  anything  to  urge  as  a  reason  for  suspending  his 
suspension,  he  had  better  be  quick  about  if,  as,  this  hot  weather,  we 
cannot  wait  to  squabble  about  trifles.  SAWYER  to  the  Sewer,  or 
SAWYER  scragged— which  is  it  to  be  ? 


Case  for  the  Jockey  Club. 

RACING  news  from  Nottingham  apprises  us  that  Miss  Nightingale 
ten  Barbarity.    The  race  was  not  fair,  she  lias  liad  so  much 
practice — she  was  at  it  all  through  the  Crimean  war. 


IN   PORMA    PAT/PERIS. 

No  wonder  Mn.  Ricn  opposed  the  second  reading  of  LORD  NAAS'S 
Superannuation  Bill.    It  was,  pre-eminently,  a  Bill  for  the  Poor. 


58 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  8,  1857. 


A    HALF-HOLIDAY    AT    DIEPPE. 


IP  on  Sunday  July  the  26th,  the  health  of  Dieppe  had  been  proposed  at  a  public 
banquet,  that  watery  town,  placing  its  hand  on  the  bosom  of  its  ocean,  would  have 
declared,  in  a  clear  rippling  voice,  "This  is  the  proudest  day  of  my  life."  The 
old  town  on  that  occasion  was  as  gay  as  it  could  be  made.  It  had  been  washed 
from  head  to  foot.  Its  complexion  was  almost  white,  and  glistened  with  a  radiant 
polish  not  unlike  the  ivory  toys  that  are  sold  in  its  shops.  It  was  dressed  in  its 
holiday  suit.  Over  its  head  there  towered  a  triumphal  arch.  Round  its  brow 
bloomed  a  gorgeous  wreath  of  flowers.  In  its  button-hole,  in  lieu  of  a  bouquet,  you 
beheld  the  brilliant  colours  of  a  flag,  that  on  one  side  looked  like  a  Tricolor,  and  on 
the  other  bore  a  bright  resemblance  to  the  Union  Jack;  thus  flowerily  expressing 
that  both  sides  of  the  coast  were  equally  near  and  dear  to  its  heart.  The  gems 
it  wore,  you  may  be  sure,  were  rich  and  rare.  There  were  stars  and  crosses  more 
than  sufficient  to  stock  a  dozen  jewellers'  shops,  whilst  its  innumerable  rings  gave 
out  a  joyous  sound,  that  you  heard  at  every  step,  not  unlike  the  clatter  of  bells. 
But  conspicuous  above  all  was  a  monster  breast-pin,  modelled  so  as  to  resemble 
a  kind  of  crystal  establishment  for  baths,  and  which  Dieppe  sported  for  the  first 
time  on  the  occasion  of  these  Fetes. 

This  ornament,  it  is  said,  had  cost  the  town  £30,000.  The  design  had  been 
drawn  out  by  EUGENIE  herself  !^  Certainly  Dieppe  was  very  proud  of  it,  and  kept 


be  a  most  happy  combination  of  the  various  styles  of  the  Crystal  Palace,  and  the 
Pavilion  at  Brighton,  with  a  slight  touch  of  the  architectural  beauties  of  Cremorne. 
However,  it  was  excessively  neat,  and  not  at  all  gaudy.  The  design  does  the 
greatest  credit  to  EUGENIE.  We  suggest  that  she  be  requested  to  draw  out  the 
plan  of  our  new  Public  Buildings. 

The  Fetes  resembled  very  nearly  every  other  French  Fete.  The  streets  flowed 
with  flags  and  military  music.  Garlands  stretched  across  the  street,  as  though 
the  houses  were  going  to  perform  a  country  dance,  and  were  giving  their  hands 
to  each  other.  There  were  some  pretty  illuminations,  consisting  of  vases  of  lighted 
flowers,  and  a  transparent  fountain  that  overflowed  with  streams  of  light.  It  was 
a  cascade  of  a  kind  of  liquid  rainbows— a  kind  of  Harlequin's  shower-bath.  The 
effect  was  very  pretty,  and  delighted  the  bonnes,  and  the  curiously-dressed  children, 
and  the  pigmy  red-breeched  boys  of  soldiers,  as  they  paced  to  and  fro,  bending 
under  the  weight  of  muskets  three  times  as  long  as  themselves.  At  the  Hotel 
de  Ville,  you  beheld  a  glimpse  of  the  ancien  regime.  Round  the  courtyard 
were  gibbeted  certain  gaunt  skeletons  of  dirty  lights.  They  were  huge  unsightly 
triangles  of  tallow  and  stench,  from  which  rose  raging  billows  of  smoke,  whilst  at 
the  base  might  be  discerned  a  very  small  ripple  of  flame.  These  are  your  Lampions. 


We  thought  they  had  been  blown  out  long  ago.  You 
only  see  them  outside  Government  Offices.  They  are  bound 
up,  we  imagine,  with  the  Red  Tape  of  France. 

There  was  a  concert  and  a  regatta  also, — the  latter  con- 
sisting of  little  walnut-shells  of  yachts  that  would  not  sail, 
and  rowing-matches  of  rowers  that  could  not  row.  Every 
now  and  then  roared  out  a  lusty  cannon,  that  fairly  deafened 
you.  In  the  evening,  there  was  a  wheezy  spurt  of  fireworks. 
This  was  the  only  damp  part  of  the  business.  They  were 
not  enthusiastic  fireworks ;  or  else  they  were  sulky,  and 
would  not  come  out  as  they  should  have  done.  All  the 
blowing-up  in  the  world  would  not  make  them  explode. 
This  was  a  pity,  for  the  French,  generally,  are  a  great  fire- 
working  people.  The  crowd,  however,  took  it  all  in  good 
humour,  and  made  up  for  the  disappointment  by  letting  off 
an  additional  number  of  private  squibs. 

At  half-past  ten  the  streets  were  clear,  • —  all  but  two 
Cafes  closed!    Returning  home,  smoking  our  unsoxiella, 
we  espied  in  the  Grande  Rue  a  family  party  playing  at  curds 
on  a  table  drawn  out  in  the  middle   of  the  pavement. 
There,  in  the  centre,  was  the  moderateur  lamp ;  there,  at 
the  corners, were  the  glasses,  filled  apparently  with  eau  sucree  } 
and  sirop  de  groseitte.    The  messieurs  were  in  their  shirt-  \ 
sleeves — the  dames  without  their  bonnets.    Heedless  of  the 
cannon,  careless  of  the  fireworks,  philosophically  insou-  \ 
ciants  of  the  hubbub  elsewhere,  they  were  quietly  enjoying, 
opposite  their  open  shop-door,  their  humble  game  of  vhiste.  | 
Simple-minded  epiciers,  they  looked  so  happy,  we  quite  ; 
envied  them !   It  was  a  glowing  cabinet  picture  of  content-  \ 
merit.    We  should  like  to  have  joined  them,  and  have  lost  ' 
valiantly  a  whole  pocketful  of  sous.    How  different  would 
it  have  been  in  London !    Fancy  such  an  incident  taking 
place  in  Baker  Street.     In  less  than  ten  minutes  they 
would  have  had  a  thousand  blackguards  round  them,  grin- 
ning and  jeering  at  their  simplicity.    This  primitive  tableau  \ 
moved  us  more  than  the  cannon,  and  all  the  thundering  i 
discours.    We  left  the  innocent  partie  came  with  a  brood-  i 
ing  heart,  that  bounded  again,  as  high  as  AURIOL,  if  not  ; 
higher,  as  in  the  distance  we  heard  the  groi  papa  throw  [ 
out  these  words : — "  Allans — du  Coeur — c'esl  a  vous  !  " 

We  must  not  omit  to  mention  that,  of  course,  there  was 
a  ball.    No  French  fete  would  be  complete  without  a  ball ! 
We  confess  that  French  balls  do  not  particularly  "  enchant " 
us.    A  public  ball  in  France  is  too  wild,  too  dishevelled—  | 
a  private  one  too  tame,  too  insipid.    Their  orgeat  has  no  ; 
charm  for  our  vitiated  palate — t\\w  petits  gateaux  have  no  | 
taste  for  a  pampered  stomach  that  has   been  too  long  ; 
petted  and  spoilt  with  good  English  suppers.    It  always 
seems  to  us  to  be  no  better  than  a  Dancing  Academy  of  i 
young  ladies  who  are  on  view  to  be  married.    The  young  ' 
demoiselles  in  white  muslin  never  take  their  beautiful  eyes 
off  the  wax-polished  floor,  and  the  young  "  dandies "  in  ; 
black  coats  never  dare  address  to  them  any  but  the  most  , 
childish    common-places.      Their    conversation    consists 
of  a  timid  "  Yes,"  varied  occasionally  by  a  bashful  "  No." 
No  one  laughs— the  onlv  bit  of  nature  is  round  the  caul- 
table.    Everything  is  false,  restrained,  inanimate— a  kid-  j 
gloved  mockery  of  pleasure,  made  all  the  more  distasteful  ! 
by  the  lynx-eyed  espionnage  of  the   mothers,  as,    seated  j 
round  the  room,  they  watch  suspiciously  every  little  move- 
ment of  their  daughters.     Where  is  the  freedom,  the  inde-  I 
pendence,  the  open  laughing  enjoyment  of  an  English  even- 
ing party  ?    As  it  was,  we  amused  ourselves  by  admiring 
the  handsome  decorations  of  the  etablissement,  that  have 
been  executed  under  the  direction  of  the  great  CAMBON, 
the  STANMELD  of  the  Grand  Opera.    They  are  in  richness 
and  effect  fully  worthy  of  the  artist,  to  whom  Paris  is 
indebted  for  the   magnificence  of  Robert  le  Diable,  Le 
Prophete,  and  other  operas  de  luxe. 

The  etablissement  is  so  well  conducted  that,  as  MADAME 
DE  GENLIS  would  have  said,  "La  mere  poarra  y  couduire 
sa  fille."  There  is  no  gambling,  either,  as  at  German 
baths,  so  that  the  father  need  not  be  afraid  of  his  son 
having  all  his  pocket-money  engulphed  by  the  inevitable 
Maelstrom  of  the  roulette-table. 

The  Mayor  gave  a  grand  breakfast,  to  which  the  well- 
known  Pate  de  foie  gras,  that  had  come  specially  all  the 
way  from  Strasbourg  in  order  to  be  present,  was  invited,_ 
as  'well  as  every  delicacy  of  the  season.  The  health  ot 
the  French  Press  was  proposed.  It  seemed  to  us  to  be  a 
bitter  mockery  to  propose  the  health  of  an  institution  that 
in  France  was  notoriously  dead.  Several  gentlemen  in 
black  stood  up,  and  we  suppose  they  were  Mutes  that  were 
in  attendance  to  do  honour  to  the  defunct.  The  Redacteur 
d-es  Petites  Affiches  de  Paris  said  a  few  words  of  condolence 


AUGUST  8,  1857.] 


Cir,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


over  the  loss  of  their  ivspe.-led   IViend,  who  had  done  so  much  for 
ud  had  died  La  serving  her.    T  .  .i.s  drunk  in  solemn 

silence. 

The  English  1'n  winded  to  by  tlio  Editor  of  BRAPSIIAM  's 

\\  e  expected  to  hear  from  him  a  vei  roonfu  divided 

into  tiuree  trams,  and  bristling  with  figim  ,M  not 

ike  oui   arrival,  or  depaituri  ling,  middle, 

!.      However,  n  Bravely 

began  with      Mj  name  is  Nni;\  \i,,"  and  reeiled   lliat  cxcitinir 

at,  lull  length.     As  not    a  I'P  i   understood  a  word  of 

English,  the  speech  had  the  happiest  effect.    The  (  -torpul 

:IKS  band  every  no*  upon  his  breast,  gesticulated  largely  and 

indue  eouri  e,  was  vet  iihmded. 

To  wind  up:— we  our  trip  io  Dieppe  miirhtily 

and  beg  to  thank  all,  from   the  Mayor  down  to  the  Steward,  each  of 
whom  was  polii,  bia&wwaat  our  disposal.    The  same 

pleasure  is  open  to  all  who  :i.     Hence!' 

'•""  more.    Even  the  statue  of 

DUQUES.M.,  who  figure-,  i|,e   melodr 

attitude  of   a  pirate  ol    the  Ambign,  relaxed  a  little  in  its 

•  *M  we  !;•  er  his  hron/.ed  features  as  he 

quietly  surveyed  the  in  iie  English,  ransacking  every  hotel 

ig  to  eat,.     Dieppe,  through  V/whaven,  is  now  on1 
hours    distance  from  London.     Let    Kamsgate  look  to  its  bat  him?' 
We  should  advise  Boulogne  to  put  ils  seedy  old  ftablutement  into 
hanks  to  the  Empress,  has  risen,  like  a  second 
VENUS  from  the  sea! 


All  true  religion  I  res- 

V'our  i 

Your  Popery  and  all  new  lights. 

d  of  which,  I  would  instil 
Determination  ami  tinn  Mill, 

With  go-id  old  eriekei.and  I  won't 
Support  that  Sehool  M  |.  rs  don't. 


A  STAND  UP  FOR  THE  STUMPS. 
BY 

SIR,  I  am  one  of  the  old  school, 
Perhaps  you'll  say  that,  means  a  fool : 
F  don't  care  sixpence  if  you  do; 
Aiid  shall  reply— The  same  to  yen  ! 

Sir,  you  must  know  Hi  it  ]  've  a  bra! 
Of  :i  What  of  thai  !- 

Well,  Sir  ;  1  am  his  guardian  too: 
He  has  his  studies  to  pursue. 

To  school  I  did  at  first  intend 
This  youthful  charge  of  mine  to  :• 
At  Eton  or  at  Winchester, 
Uncertain  which  I  should  prefer. 

Of  neither,  Sir,  at  present,  I 
Approve:  and  let  me  tell  you  why  • 
At,  both  they  're.  changing  tfiat  old  plan 
\\  Inch  bred  a  boy  to  be  a  man. 

The  Masters  hare,  I  grieve  to'sav 

Ol  late  forbidden  manly  play; 

The  cricket-matches,  heretofore 

At  LOKD'S  Grounds  played,  must  be  no  more. 

Discouraging  a  noble  game 
Is  just  the  way  to  make  hoys  tame 
And  in  the  holidays  ! -why]  what 
Right  then  to  meddle  have  they  got? 

Let  lads  play  cricket— let  them  box 
I  hat  system  gave  us  PITT  and  Fox 
lie  Duo  OF  WELLINGTON,  and  Blot, 
Ine  nund  sucli  contests  nerve  and  steel. 

Sir,  I  won't  have  my  Sister's  child 

meek,  and  mild 
No,  I  wish  that  young  dog.  by  n 

•  ments,  rendered  hard  and  tough. 

Train  up  a  child  as  he  should  go  • 
Not  as  a  milksop:  no,  Sir,  no!    ' 
As  for  my  chap,  I  rather  would 
bee  him  a  pickle,  than  too  good. 

A  schoolmaster's  good  boy  turns  out 
,V  I'limhng.  :  a  lout 

In  alter  lite  you  don't  see  such 
A  sort  ot  iellow  come  to  much. 

The  spirit  of  restraint  that  aims 
At  checking  hardy  sports  and  game- 
A  bias  shows  to  certain  views, 
Hie  most  pernicious  to  infuse. 


BRITISH  ART  AND  FRENCH  HORSEFLESH. 

THE  Goodwood  Cup  lias  been  actually  won  iy  a  French  horse! 
Mpnarqtteiuui  covered  himself  and  France  with  glory.  What  next? 
We  shall  have  a  French  poodle  beating  a  British  Billy  in  the 
destruction  of  rats,  and  who  can  say  that  some  Gallic  champion  may 
n°f  some  day  crop  the  laurel  soft  he  Tipton  Slasher. 

Ine  Cup"  is  decorated  with  two  medallions  representing  scenes 
Irom  the  Midsummer  Night's  Dream.  More  appropriate  embellish, 
ments  might  have  been  derived  from  Richard  the  Third.  One  of  them 
would  oi  course  have  been  the  battle  scene,  wherein  the  desperate 
usurper  makes  the  celebrated  offer  of  his  kingdom  for  a  horse,  and  the 
other  that  in  which  the  Duke  of  Norfolk  apprizes  Richard  of  the  no 
less  celebrated  warning  which  has  been  addressed  to  him  with  the 
appellation  ot  Jockey." 

Reverting  to  the  subject  of  Monarque,  we  would  contrratulate  that 
successful  animal  on  the  superiority  of  the  destiny  which  awaits  him 
in  his  native  land  to  that  winch  is  here  usually  reserved  for  the  "  liieh- 

tt led  racer  '  Moaarque  never  will  go  to  the  hounds;  the  Parisian 
love  ot  horseflesh  will  prevent,  that:  he  will  have  admirers  who  will 
e  fond  of  his  very  remains,  and  when  he  dies  he  will  go  to  M.  ISIDORE 
I>E  SAINT-HILAIKE  and  the  hippophagists. 


Here  a  War,  There  a  War. 

To  JOHN  BCLL,  ESQ. 
HERE  a  War,  there  a  War,  wondering  JOHXXY, 

Wlien  you  ye  done  wondering,  pay  for  the  game  : 
I  tmie,  tell  us  frankly,  you,  JOHN,  think  it  dear,  eh? 

1  u/icA  must  inform  you  that  he  thinks  the  same. 

Well,  and  Why  Not? 


all 


a  JOT-6!,  Vff  !S 
MB  ;  W  '          o, 
T'   'D     "refe 


-  5  peculiar  faleni;  for  s<*"^' 

.Proposition-declares  LORD  JOHN  Ri>- 

to  be  "^  m°st  unprecedented 
measures  ever  submitted  to    Parliiment 
*  House  of  Commons  will  be  at!k   o  ad    k 
mind,  will  be  at  liberty  to  reject  him  " 

Illan-  b>  "hieh,  when  the 


60 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[ AUGUST  8,  1£57. 


A    DELICIOUS    DIP. 

Bathing  Attendant.  "HERE,  BILL!    THE  GENT  WANTS  TO  BE  TOOK  OUT  DEEP— TAKE  'IM  INTO  THE  DRAIN  a' 


A  HOUSEKEEPER  ON  HEEOISM. 

"  DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, 

"  WHAT  a  blessing  it  is,  with  all  these  horrid  goings-on  in 
India,  we  have  a'  man  like  SIR  COLIN  CAMPBELL,  ready  to  start  off 
to  put  down  the  rebels  at  a  moment's  notice,  without,  I  may  say, 
packing  up  his  things!  LOBD  RAGLAN  the  same— that  might  have 
been  spared  many  years  and  then  died  comfortably  in  his  bed,  instead 
of  wearing  his  life  out  there  in  the  Crimea.  How  thankful  we  ought 
to  be  that  we  have  sucli  men  as  LOUD  RAGLAN  and  SIR  COLIN  CAMP- 
BELL to  take  our  troubles  upon  them — for  such  very  little  return,  if 
you  come  to  think  of  it.  A  judge's  or  even  a  bishop's  income  wouldn't 
pay  anybody,  I  should  think,  for  the  hardships  and  danger  of  a  soldier's 
life ;  and  then  how  comfortable  judges  and  bishops,  especially  bishops, 
live  compared  to  commanding  officers !  How  those  generals  can  DC 
prevailed  upon  to  put  themselves  out  as  they  do,  and  at  their  time  of 
life,  I  really  wonder.  They  have  no  motive  except  honour ;  and  what 
is  honour  when  you've  got  it  ?  I  'm  sure  I  shouldn't  enjoy  my  tea  and 
toast,  and  warm  bed,  and  other  little  comforts,  a  bit  more  for  all  the 
honour  in  the  world,  and  all  the  honour  in  the  world  wouldn't  console 
me  for  the  loss  of  them ;  to  sav  nothing  about  losing  legs  and  arms, 
and  how  dreadful  that  must  be  I  can  well  imagine,  knowing  what  I 
feel  when  I  lose  a  thimble.  Besides,  they  are  not  sure  of  the  honour. 
They  don't  get  it,  that  they  know  of,  if  they  die,  and  then  they  may 
get  abuse  instead,  though  of  course  they  're  not  aware  of  that  neither 
when  they're  dead,  and  what  signifies?  They  talk  of  erecting  a 
monument  to  poor  dear  LORD  RAGLAN,  and  certainly  he  deserves  one, 
if  it  would  do  him  any  good;  but  those  who  know  best  say  that 
nothing  that  you  can  do  iu  this  world  can  either  please  or  displease 
anybody  in  the  other ;  therefore,  if  the  monument  is  to  cost  sixpence, 
that  will  be  sixpence  thrown  away,  unless  the  sight  of  the  statue  or 
whatever  it  may  be  should  encourage  somebody  else  to  sacrifice  himself 
for  our  peace  and  quiet,  the  safety  of  our  homes  and  the  security  of 
our  money,  which  is  so  very  necessary.  In  that  case  one  wouldn't 
begrudge  the  expense ;  but  I  wish  we  could  know  whether  monuments 
really  have  the  use  they  are  supposed  to ;  for  if  they  are  not  useful, 


I  'm  sure  they  're  not  ornamental,  ours  at  least  in  this  country,  and  : 
here,  Mr.  Punch,  I  know  you  will  agree  with  your  affectionate  old  j, 
admirer,  "MARTHA  CADDY." 

"P.S.  I  do  hope  if  we  are  to  have  so  many  wars  and  so  many 
heroes  as  we  always  do  in  war  time,  that  we  shan't  have  to  pay  a  ! 
Monument  Rate ;  for  the  Paving  and  Lighting,  I  am  sure,  is  quite  \ 
bad  enough." 


THE    SECRET    EEVEALED ! ! ! 

ND  now— now  we  are  at  liberty  to  re- 
veal the  secret,  which  from  motives  of 
wisdom  so  profound  as  to  be  inappre- 
ciable by  the  mass,  we  have  held  back 
with  imperturbable  reticence  for  weeks. 
As  SIR  BULWER  LYTTON  beautifully 
remarks, 

"  From  vulgar  eyes  a  veil  the  Is'i3  screens, 
And  fools  on  fools  still  ask  what  Toby  means. 

The  veil  shall  be  removed  from  the 
Isis,  and  the  fools  (only  April  fools  a 
little  post-dated)  shall  know  what  we 
mean.  Listen — World ! . 

Had  you  supplied  the  unfinished 
warning  of  last  week,  when  we  wrote 

"  BEWARE  OF  THE  ! "  had  you 

supplied  it,  we  say,  with  One  Word,  you 
would  have  discovered  the  grand  truth. 
That  word,  like  the  immortal  name  of 
Punch  himself,  is  spelt  with  five  letters. 
It  is — Paint. 

Mr.  Punch  has  Painted  his  Office,  85,  Fleet  Street!!! 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13.  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullen  Evans,  ol  No.  19,  Queen  I  Road  Went.  Be,ent'«  Park,  boih  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancr««,  In  the  Connty  of  MidJlrsrx, 
Printers  at  their  Office  in  lomb.rd  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefriars,  in  the  City  of  London,  «nd  Publinhed  by  them  at  No.  b5,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  cf 
London.— SA'.vattAi,  August  8,  1557. 


r 


AUGUST  15,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


61 


THOUGHTS    LYING    ON    THE    SAND. 


DVERS1TY  brings  to  Ugnt  many  a 
hidden  beauty.  It  is  like  a  hand- 
some leg  revealed  for  the  lirst 
time  on  a  showery  day. 

The  charms  that  Fashion  lends 
to  women  would  be  considered 
positive  defects  if  Nature  had  given 
them. 

We  are  never  astonished  at  any 
happiness  that  drops  into  our  lap, 
fur  we  always  fancy  we  are 
deserving  of  it ;  but  if  any  piece 
of  ill-luck  falls  down  upon  us,  we 
cannot  imagine  what  we  have  done 
to  deserve  it. 

We  fancy  we  are  becoming  wiser. 
as  we  grew  older,  when  it  is  simply 
our  incapacity  to  commit  the  same 
follies  as  when  we  were  young. 

Envy  lashes  principally  the  fortu- 
nate. It  is  like  the  ragamuffins  in 
the  street,  who  cry  out,  "Whip 
behind  ! "  directly  they  'see  one 
of  their  comrades  who  has  got  a 
lift. 

To  appreciate  a  free  country, 
you  must  travel  in  a  despotic 
state.  It  is  like  coming  into  the 
open  air  after  visiting  a  prison. 


PLEASE  DON'T  REMEMBER  THE 
GROTTO. 

To  the  cry  of  "  Remember 

The  fifth  of  November" 
Mr.  Punch  long  accustomed  lias  got, 

l>ui  the  street-urchins'  motto, 

"  Remember  the  Grotto," 
With  anger  oft  makes  him  wax  hot. 

They  dirty  one's  boots, 

And  pursue  one  with  hoots, 
As  their  oyster-time  war-cry  they  yell  out : 

And  they  frighten  poor  swells 

Until  into  their  shells 
Odd^coppers  or  even  they  shell  out. 

Now  Punch  has  no  mind 

To  be  harsh  or  unkind, 
Forbearance  is  ever  his  motto  ; 

But  he  'd  silence  the  noise 

Of  small  dirty  boys, 
Screeching, "  Please  to  remember  the  Grotto ! " 


POLITICAL  DISTINCTIONS. 

ONE  grows  a  Liberal— one  is  born  a  Tory. 
As  for  a  Whig,  he  is  either  a  Liberal  who 
has  failed,  or  a  lory  who  has  been  snubbed. 


PUNCH'S  ESSENCE   OP  PARLIAMENT. 

Aiifjiut  Srd,  Monday.  Having  to  re-conquer  India,  we  send  the  Army 
thither,  but  as  it  will  not  do  to  be  without  gallant  defenders  of  some 
kind,  the  War-Secretary  obtains  powers  to  embody  the  Militia. 

LORD  BROUGHAM  favoured  the  Lords  with  his  views  upon  Parlia- 
mentary Reform.  Not,  however,  in  the  tone  in  which  he  addressed 
the  Commons  on  the  same  topic,  and  at  the  time  when  he  politely 
exclaimed  to  the  late  SIR  ROBERT  PEEL,  (in  reference  to  the  DUKE  OF 
WELLINGTON'S  declaration  against  reform) ;  "Him  we  scorn  not,  it  is 
you  we  scorn,  his  mean,  base,  fawning  parasite."  To-night  his  lordship, 
being  a  nobleman,  behaved  as  such,  and  while  desiring  that  certain 
defects  in  the  last  Reform  Bill  should  be  corrected,  deprecated  any 
general  or  sweeping  measure.  Considering  in  whose  hands  the  measure 
is,  Mr.  Punch  thinks  his  lordship  does  well  to  be  afraid,  as  a  more  dan- 
gerous radical  and  leveller  could  not  exist  than  the  fiery  ultra-democrat 
now  our  Premier.  LOUD  HENRY  advocated  the  giving  the  franchise 
to  respectable  men,  though  only  lodgers ;  he  stated  that  our  artisans 
generally  treated  the  ballot  with  contempt ;  he  spoke  favourably  of  the 
Educational  franchise,  and  made  a  protest  against  our  constitution 
being  rendered  more  "  democratic "  than  it  had  seemed  good  unto 
JOHN  RUSSELL  and  himself  to  make  it  when  they  finally  and  eternally 
settled  it  in  1832.  LORD  GRANVILI.E  was  much  obliged,  but  begged 
it  might  be  understood  that  LORD  BROUGHAM  knew  nothing  whatever 
of  the  intentions  of  Government. 

The  Australian  post  question  came  up.  Some  of  these  days  we  shall 
have  our  able-bodied  colonists  coining  over  in  force  to  thrash  all  parties 
concerned,  for  not  sending  out  the  letters,  or  taking  means  to  have 
them  delivered  when  they  arrive.  The  present  plan  seems  to  be  for 
the  Post-Master  General  to  toss  the  Australian  letter-bag  on  board  any 
vessel  in  the  river  that  looks  as  if  it  was  as  likely  to  go  to  Australia 
as  anywhere  else.  That  matter  is  then  off  his  mind.  Aid  if  the  vessel 
should  go,  the  letters  sometimes  go  also,  unless  the  sailors  want  the 
sack  for  anything  else,  in  which  case  they  are  emptied  into  the  sea. 
llie  colonists  object  to  this  system,  and  although,  of  course,  we  should 
discourage  colonial  complaints  as  much  as  possible,  the  present  course 
seems  to  have  its  inconveniences. 

In  the  Commons  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL  brought  up  his  new  device  in 
favour  of  the  Hebrews.  As  the  Lords  won't  open  the  door,  and  the 
Government  don't  like  to  break  it  open,  JOHNNY  proposes  to  pick  the 
lock.  There  was  an  Act  of  Parliament  passed  in  the  5th  year  of  KING 
WILLIAM  THE  SAILOR,  permitting  All  Bodies  authorised  to  administer 
or  receive  oaths,  to  substitute  a  declaration  for  the  same.  JOHN'S 
notion  is  that  the  Commons  is  one  of  these  bodies,  and  that  it  may  let 
in  M.  DE  ROTHSCHILD  on  a  declaration.  So  he  has  obtained  a  Com- 
mittee, consisting  of  a  set  of  25  Members  of  his  own  selection,  and  also 
all  the  gentlemen  of  the  Long  Robe  (this  shut  out  the  attorneys  HAD- 
FIELD  and  Cox,  to  their  wrath)  who  were  to  consider  the  matter  The 
opposition  lawyers  ridiculed  the  idea,  and  the  PREMIER  reserved  his 
sentiments,  but,  it  appears,  ordered  the  ATTORNEY-GENERAL  to  support 
JUORD  JOHN  s  view.  The  Committee  discussed  in  secret.  Mr.  Punch 
has  not  the  faintest  hesitation  in  saying  that  the  framers  of  the  Act  in 


question  had  not  the  slightest  idea  of  including  the  Parliamentary  oath 
in  their  provisions,  but  if  this  legal  loophole  is  large  enough  for  the 
BARON  to  come  in  at,  he  had  better  do  so,  as  one  of  these  days  he  must 
come  in  somehow  or  other.  The  Conservatives  talked  against  the 
Committee,  but  did  not  divide. 

Compensation  to  the  Proctors  occupied  the  House  the  rest  of  the 
evening,  and  a  great  deal  of  good  money  was  voted  away  to  these  black 
namesakes  of  BARRY  CORNWALL. 

Tuesday.  LORD  BROUGHAM  presented  a  petition  on  Education  from 
the  parish  of  ST.  GEORGE'S,  Hanover  Square,  a  district  in  which  the 
grossest  ignorance  is  understood  to  prevail,  and  whose  prayers  for 
teaching  ought  not  to  be  disregarded. 

And,  apropos  of  ST.  GEORGE'S,  Hanover  Square,  we  now  come  to 
the  story  of  the  week,  namely,  the  Divorce  discussion.  The  Commons 
gave  Tuesday,  Thursday,  and  Friday  nights  to  the  subject.  Mr.  Punch 
has  no  intention  of  filling  up  his  golden  pages  with  an  analysis  of  the 
sense  and  nonsense  that  were  talked,  or  to  trace  the  various  important 
or  trumpery  amendments  and  alterations.  He  pledges  himself,  when 
the  Bill  shall  have  become  law,  to  explain  to  Persons  about  to  Marry 
what  possibility  there  is  of  escaping  the  consequence  of  their  rash- 
ness. Meantime,  suffice  it  to  say,  first,  that  the  proposed  abolition 
of  the  suit  for  Jactitation  of  Marriage  was  prevented.  Therefore,  if 
any  young  lady,  no  matter  how  beautiful  and  rich,  goes  about  Jacti- 
tating,  that  is,  boasting,  that  she  is  Mrs.  Punch  (when  she  is  not) 
Mr.  Punch  has  a  remedy  against  her.  Secondly,  that  SAMUEL 
WARREN  made  a  remarkably  piteous  and  perfectly  unavailing  speech 
against  the  Bill.  Thirdly,  that,  up  to  the  end  of  the  week,  the  whole 
legal  and  lay  wisdom  of  the  House  was  taxed  in  vain  to  devise  a  clause 
for  protecting  from  a  husband  the  earnings  of  a  woman  whom  he  had 
deserted ;  but  finally  SIR  R.  BETHELL  promised  to  strain  his  intellect 
to  the  utmost,  and  produce  such  a  clause  in  the  following  week. 
Fourthly,  that  the  Government  were  beaten  on  a  proposal  which, 
though  made  by  the  Tories,  is  really  more  for  the  benefit  of  the  humbler 
orders  than  anything  in  the  Bill.  This  was  to  create  a  local  juris- 
diction in  divorce  cases,  so  that  a  poor  man  or  woman  in  Northumber- 
land or  Cornwall  may  not  be  compelled  to  come  to  London,  and  live 
there  while  seeking  redress.  Government  sulked,  and  refused  to  give 
effect  to  the  decision  of  the  Committee,  by  framing  a  scheme  for  the 
local  courts,  and  the  work  was  finally  left  to  MR.  ISAAC  BUTT,  a 
Conservative.  The  majority  was  not  large— 98  to  87,— and  Mr.  Punch. 
will  not  wonder  if,  at  another  stage,  the  proposition  is  smashed. 
Lastly,  MR.  HENRY  DRUMMOND,  the  Angel  of  the  Church  in  Gordon 
Square,  endeavoured  to  place  the  husband  and  the  wife  on  a  footing 
of  equality  as  to  the  offences  for  which  divorce  should  be  asked,  and  the 
Committee,  being  Men  of  the  World,  were  mightily  amused  at  so 
preposterous  a  proposition,  negatived  it  by  126  to  65,  and  doubtless 
nave  since  made,  in  club-windows,  curious  comments  on  the  probable 
changes  in  London  society  which  such  an  enactment  might  produce. 

Wednesday.  SIB  THOMAS  WILSON  triumphed.  The  House  of 
Commons  "  will  no  longer  do  an  injustice  to  an  individual  whose 
property  the  public  covets."  The  Bill  for  letting  him  do  as  he  likes 
at  Hampstead  passed  by  77  to  59.  But  after  a  Wednesday  comes  a 


VOL.  xxxni. 


62 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  15,  1857. 


Thursday,  and  then  Mil.  AYHTON  succeeded  in  stopping  the  Bill,  for 
the  moment,  by  a  majority  of  1.  The  Heath  is  still  unvanquished. 
Much  moucv  was  voted  away  to-day.  We  regret  to  add  that  a  new 
writ  had  to  be  issued  for  .Birmingham,  the  illuess  of  (he  late  member, 
MIL  MUNT/.,  having  unexpectedly  taken  a  fatal  turn.  We  mention 
this  the  rather  that  on  the  faith  of  the  published  and  authorised  denial 
that  tl.  a's  indisposition  had  been  severe,  it  was 

somewhat  lightly  alluded  to  in  (hose  pages,  but  a  short  time  before 
the  subject  became  one  for  all  seriousness. 

Thursday.  The  DUKE  or  CAMBRIDGE  entirely  approved  the  Militia 
project,  so  to  arms,  bucolic  brave,  let  your  glorious  banner  wave, 
Hing  down  the  grindstone  and  the  sickle,  study  to  reproduce  the  step 
named  from  the  goose,  and  the  toby  of  all  enemies  to  tickle.  Of  course 
LORD  SUGDEN'S  little  bill  for  cheapening  conveyancing,  a  very  little, 
was  withdrawn. 

The  New  /ealanders  want  £500,000,  and  "merely  as  a  matter  of 
form,  you  know,"  ask  JOHN  BULL  to  guarantee  the  loan.  When  did 
he  ever  refuse  snch  a  trille  ?  In  the  present  case,  hnwevcr,  it  would 
have  been  unfatherly  to  do  so,  as  "imperial  legislation"  has  helped 
them  into  difficulty. 

Friday.  The  BISHOP  OF  LONDON  pronounced  an  eloquent  eulogy  on 

the  prelate  who  recently  bore  that  title,  and  who,  as  BISHOP  BLOMFIELU, 

has  quietly  closed  a  life,  many  incidents  of  which  gave_ cause  for  the 

censure  both  of  his  theological  and  political  contemporaries,  but  which 

iurnr.d  by  numerous  social  virtues  and  literary  graces. 

In  the  Commons  MR.  VERNON  SMITH,  whom  31  >:  Punch  begs  to 
congratulate  upon  an  interesting  family  event,  calculated  to  preserve 
(lie  honoured  name  of  VEKNON  (not  SMITH)  to  posterity,  stated  that 
additional  troops  had  been  sent  to  Madras  and  Bombay,  and  as  there 
is  noth!,1  •  or  too  little  for  the  House,  another  Minister  stated 

that  he  did  not  know  as  yet  whether  the  new  chimney-pots  on  Somerset 
House  would  answer  or  not,  because  this  is  not  weather  for  tires. 

The  Election  Petitions  are  all  disposed  of.  There  were  originally 
71,  but  only  9  members  have  been  unseated.  The  last,  MB.  GLOVER, 
seems  to  have  been  reserved  for  a  frightful  example— to  be  blown  from 
the  gun  of  the  House — for  not  only  is  he  turned  out  of  Beverley,  but 
the  mode  hy  which  he  got  in  is  referred  to  the  consideration  of  the 
ATTORNEY-GENERAL.  MK.  GLOVER  bawls  that  he  is  "persecuted." 


DR.    BIRCH    AND    DR.    PUNCH. 

there  bo  one  virtue  more  than 
other  for  which  Mr. 
J't/tck  is  eminently  famous, 
it  is  for  the  intensity  of  his 
respect  and  reverence  for  all 
who  are  in  any  way  regarded 
as  "authorities."  From  an 
Emperor  with  his  crown  to  a 
Beadle  with  his  cane,  Jfr. 
Punch  is  always  notable  for 
the  profoundness  of  the  awe 
with  which  he  is  impressed 
by  the  insignia  of  govern- 
ment ;  as  well  as  for  the 
marked  and  deferential 
homage  which  he  pays  to 
every  potentate,  from  a  police- 
man to  a  Pope.  It  is  there- 
fore with  no  ordinary  feel- 
ings of  reluctance  that  lie 
feels  impelled,  for  once,  to 
•\  doubt  upon  the  wis- 
dom, and,  in  some  degree  at 
least,  to  question  the 
authority  of  certain  consti- 
tuted powers. 

It  appears  that  the  head-masters  of  our  chief  public  schools,  to  prove 
turned)  that  their  establishments  are  match-loss,  have  forbidden 
the  recurrence  of  the  contests  in  LORD'S  Cricket  Ground,  which  for 
ncaily  '  TV  have  been  a  yearly-coming  pleasure  to  very  many 

more  than  merely  those  engaged  in  them.  The  step  was  taken  on  the 
ground  that  LORD'S  was  nearer  London  than  was  good  for  the  morals 
of  a  »chool-bpy  in  the  holidays  :  an  assumption  which,  if  proved  to  be 
well  founded  upon  facts,  would  prevent  Mr.  Punch  or  any  other  parent 
lie  presence  ot  his  sons  as  players.  But  the  assump- 
tion beimr  yet  unsupported  by  Mich  proof,  and  'there  being  a  prepon- 
deranee  of  contrary  (.pinion,  Mr.  I'nnch  has  doubts  if  the  assertion  be 
wort  hy  of  belief,  and  of  those  doubts  he  inclines  to  give  the  boys  the 
benefit.  r,  sooner  than  resort  to  the  extremity  of  orderin" 

that  live  flfty  years'  old  custom  must  be  wholly  given  up,  .I//-.  Punch 
conceives  t.hat  the  authorities  might  at  least  have  tried  to  hit  on  some 


expedient,  whereby  their  pupils  might,  unharmed,  have  breathed  for  a 
few  days  the  baleful  air  of  the  Metropolis. 

Tempting  though  the  theme,  Mr.  Punch  will  not  dilate  upon  the 
virtues  of  a  well-contested  cricket-match;  nor  plagiarise  those  recent 
correspondents  of  the  Times,  who,  with  a  \v:  rm'h  quite  in  keeping  with 
the  Weather,  have  been  praising  and  appraising  the  excellence  and 
value  of  this  "truly  English  game,"  both  as  a  physical  and  as  a  mental 
stimulant.  Mr.  Punch  regards  cricket  as  a  national  institution:  and 
ait  hough  the  modern  round-shot  bowling  plays  sad  havoc  with  his  legs, 
he  still  stands  firm  to  his  belief  in  the  national  necessity  of  keeping  up 
the  stumps.  Conceiving  there  is  truth  in  tii;;  paraphrased  assertion, 
that  the  games  a  nation  plays  are  hardly  less  important  to  its  welfare 
than  its  laws,  Mr.  Punch  will  frankly  own  that  he  has  little  wish  to  see 
his  fellow  countrymen  in  general  descend  to  handling  dominoes  in  the 
stead  of  cricket-bats :  and  as  he  views  the  forbidding  of  the  public- 
school  mat  dies  as  a  step  not  unlikely  to  lead  to  such  descent,  Mr.  Punch 
is  an  advocate  that  it  should  be  retraced. 

As  the  classic  has  remarked,  lonijum  est  numerare:  or  Mr.  Punch 
could  cite  a  score  of  other  reasons  why  his  view  of  the  matter  is,  as 
usual,  the  correct  one.  .For  instance,  might  he  not  contend  that  the 
course  which  has  been  taken,  directly  violates  the  principle  of  non- 
interference of  the  masters  out  of  school,  which  1ms  been  claimed  as 
the  chief  merit  of  our  public  system?  And  might  he  not  be  bold 
enough  to  raise  the  awful  question  as  to  whether  DR.  BIRCH  has  any 
lawful  right  to  claim  allegiance  in  the  holidays,  when  his  subjects  have 
been  handed  to  their  natural  "  governors,"  or  to  such  as  stand  to  them 
in,  loco  yovernoris  ? 

Mr.  Punch  need  scarcely  state  his  willingness  to  credit  that  the  Doctor 
and  his  brethren  have  acted  for  the  best ;  but  he  cannot  yet  believe 
that  the  allurements  of  London  are  a  sufficient  ground  to  justify  their 
arbitrary  act.  .I//-.  Punch  will  grant  that  perhaps  the  immorality  of 
smoking  a  cigar,  or  swallowing  an  extra  glass  of  shandy-gaff  or  Ai.sop, 
may  sometimes  have  resulted  from  going  to  a  match  ;  but  such  out- 
rages as  these  will  occasionally  happen,  even  with  the  very  best  regu- 
lated schoolboys,  and  to  prevent  their  occurrence  it  would  need  the 
constant  presence  of  an  Argus-eyed  BRIAREUS,  with  an  eye  on  every 
action  and  a  birch  in  every  hand.  Constituted  as  the  world  is  at  the 
present,  there  may  be  contamination  elsewhere  than  in  town;  and 
since  it  is  unwise  to  do  things  by  halves,  our  sons  should  have  a 
master  at  their  elbows  all  the  holidays,  to  keep  them  from  the  scrapes 
which  schoolboy  flesh  is  heir  to.  But  with  this  continual  benefit  of 
clergy  (for  almost  every  master  now-a-days  is  pastor  likewise),  it  may 
be  questioned  if  our  sons  would  be  very  greatly  benefited,  even  were 
!  each  tutor  blessed  with  forty  parson  power  of  protective  moral  influence 
j  on  those  committed  to  his  charge.  It  would  not  much  advantage  boys 
to  live  tied  always  by  the  leg,  even  were  they  tied  to  a  bishop's 
apron-string. 


THE  BOTTLEHOLDER  ON  BUSSORAH. 

THE  Isthmus  of  Suez  it 's  no  use  to  gabble  on, 
The  way  is  by  Belis,  and  Bagdad,  and  Babylon. 
While  there  's  ships  in  the  Euxinc,  and  ships  at  Marseilles, 
Confound  water-transit— we  '11  stick  to  the  rails. 
No  pilot,  not  even  the  great  MR.  Hi 
("MR.  CRUMMLES'S  landlord)  shall  steer  for  the  Gulf: 
But  a  railway  bang  down  to  Bussorah  we  '11  take, 
And  its  Sleepers  shall  prove  that  old  PAM  was  awake. 
What,  give  Russia  or  Erance  such  a  chance,  in  a  shindy, 
As  a  start  for  their  fleets,  down  the  Red  Sea,  to  Indy  ? 
Not  I,  if  I  knows  it ;  and  floored  every  Jew  is 
Who 's  dabbled  in  shares  in  (he  project  for  Sue/. 
Them  there  is  my  sentiments — look  at  this  biceps  : 
1  think  that  would  bother  a  bigger  than  LESS  EPS. 
[He  squares  scientifically,  punches  the  imaginary  heud  of  a  hypothetical 
Frenchmen,  bonnets  MR.  WILSON,  and  exit  cheerfully. 


INGENIOUS  TORTURE. 

THE  Chinese  have  invented  a  new  species  of  Torture.  They  fasten 
round  the  neck  of  a  malefactor,  the  "all-round  collar,"  such  as  is 
worn  by  swells  and  fashionables  in  England.  They  then  take  the 
malefactor  out  to  some  public  place,  and  make  him  promenade  up  and 
down  for  several  hours  at  a  stretch.  The  effect  is  not  only  painful, 
I  but  extremely  ridiculous,  and,  inasmuch  as  the  poor  devil  cannot  move 
his  head  either  to  the  right  or  the  left,  the  infliction  excites  the  risi- 
bility of  the  populace  to  such  a  degree  that  it  is  as  much  as  the  unfor- 
tunatc  victim  can  do  to  submit  patiently  to  the  sarcasms  of  the  mob 
without  resenting  them.  Criminals  dread  this  form  of  punishment  a 
;i  times  worse  than  the  ordinary  pillory,  or  the  wicker  cage,  or 
the  huge  wooden  collar  that  is  usually  suspended  over  the  shoulders  of 
offenders  that  are  exposed  in  public.  It  is  called  the  "  i. 
TOKTUIIE,"  and  causes  a  shudder  every  time  it  is  exhibited. 


'-* 


AUGUST  15,  1857.] 


PUXCII,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE  HUMBLE  PETITION  OF  THE  BRITISH  LION 
TO  ME.  PDNCH. 

I  In  known  that  old  I'm  grown, — ain't  the  Lion  as  I  used 

be : 
What  with  1'Vee- 1 1  ..reign  bread,  a  tame  beast  I'm  reduced 

In  i 

And  up  :iml  down  both  licld  and  to\vn  1  '  'ted  by  nil 

Till  1  'm  muddled  quite,  and  ijiieered  outright,  and  nigh  broker 

i.  OW,  WOW, 

I  onl;  id  not  to  have  no  row. 

'  front,  Sir, 
.•en,  ol  Ugn-boarde  mean    I'm   ilruv   lo   Bta 

uh;-!i  Ill-raid?.  .-  •  lake  their  ilincrs.  Sir, 

'Cos  'twixt  my  jaws,  and  in  in.  .  sticks,  all  sorts  o'  things,  Sir, 

Bow,  wow,  wow, 
Was  ever  Lioa  so  abused  a.s  the  British  Lion  now ': 

And  there  I  am  ir  M  palace — 

At  him  put  up  there  1  1»  lice — 

Hut,  I  iiini  in  the 

I  'd  let  him  know  that  lions  too  run  carve-a  jint  o'  meat,  Sir. 

Bow,  wow,  wow, 
If  he  meets  the  British  Lioii,  there  '11  be  an  awful  row  ! 

IV  .-.(ill  1  'd  stop  nil  sign  or  shop,  or  perched  on  palace  rail:,. 

Ol  Herald'-  i  I  \[  brook,  ' 

I'.ui  what  will  wear— and  so  I  swear     m.\  poor  (nun 

Is  the  way  they  treats  a  poor  old  beast,  on  them  their  tombs  o'  WEL- 

Bow,  wow,  wow, 
WHS  ever  Lion  treated  as  the  poor  old  British,  now? 

'i-ves  me  ont.  both  slim  and  stout— shows  me  up  bis  and  little; 
tpM  my  jaws,  and  ;  ,  ,  me  u  lick-spittle— 

A  spoony  brute,  that  it' ion 'd  shoot,  would  never  turn  to  linn 
\\  ii  h  jobbernowl  laid  cheek  by  jowl  beside  each  Christian  Virtue. 

Bow,  wow,  wi' 
Was  ever  Lion  made  to  keep  such  company  till  now  P 

Some  on  "em  cocks  me  up  on  rocks,'  that  to  climb  would  queer  a 

monkey ; 

As  if  I'd  roar,  "Hoy.  tuppence  more,  and  up'ards  goes  the  donkey  !  " 
borne  on  all-fours,  at  tombstone  doors,  like  a  mute,  has  had  me  planted ; 
In  short,  they  sticks  me  in  like  bricks,  wherever  a  beast 's  wanted ! 

Bow,  wow.  wow, 
Was  ever  British  Lions  so  cheap  as  they  are  now  ? 

Bot  h  me  and  poor  BRITANNIA  sure,  to  death  them  sculptors  rides,  Sir  • 
With  the  \  irtues  and  the  (i races,  and  the  dooce  knows  what  besides, 

Sir  ; 

But  dash  my  wig  if  I  can  twig  wich  is  Virtues  and  wich  Graces  ; 
1  only  knows  they  all  want  clothes,  and  is  much  like  in  their  faces. 

- 
Here 's  your  obvious  allegories  four-score  and  four  a-row ! 

This  many  a  year  in  VVestmiiistere,  and  also  in  St.  Paul's,  Sir, 

I  say  '(  with  pride,  I  have  complied  with  Iptor's  calls  Sir; 

Hut  it  this  goes  on,  my  crakter's  gone,  and  there  am't  a  tigrish  swell 

in  luv,  n. 
'''"'  'l!  •  b  and  poke  his  chaff,at  me  and  my  friend  WELLINGTON. 

1'niw.  wow,  wow, 
1  if  I  stand  these  moiiymcnts,  without  a  jolly  row ! 


CORRUPT  PRACTICES'   PREVENTION   BILL. 

know  the  nature  of  the  Corrupt  Practices  that  the  above 
l.i 1 1  is  to  prevent,  but  fervently  hope  it  may  put  an  effectual  stop  to 
(be  following  practices,  which,  in  our  opinion,  are  more  or  less 
corrupt : — 

Tlle  Praet  ii  ,f  overpayinsr  cabmen,  so  that  when 

':nan  only  receives  his  just  fare,  he  is  sure  to  .  fted,  and 

the  person  so  paying  him  inns  ihe  greatest  risk  of  being  abused  for  it. 
lie  Iraetice   that    Indies  |.  -.  :,ring  sueii  corpulent  di 

preclude  i  • ,,.   1]|(. 

reason  that  it  is   as   much  as  they  e:i:i  do   to   squeeze  Crinoline 
1  *  of,  a  Cll'(>l  ly  inferior  to  that  of  the  Ik-gent's 

lirough  an  '  -i/.ed  door. 

gentlemen  have  of  walkin"  iu  the 
'it,,  their  sticks  and  umbrellas  protruding  half-wav  underneath 

1  thai  the  i  ,  is  walking  behind  them  h; 

••ice,  unless  he  keeps  his  eyes  perfectly  wide  open,  of  having 


one  of  them  seriously  damaged,  or  his  face  most  disfigurativcly  scratched, 
by  the  impertinent  -,»  of  the  f. 

women   lia.'e    uf    making  an    omnibus    a 
gratuitous  Parcel.-,'  Delivery  Company,  by  taking  into  it  with  them  as 

ud  birdcau- 

The    1'raeli:  ,,is    gentlemen    have   of 

]     heard    yesterday,    when    loo 

"capital  thing"  turns  out  to   be  ah  I  Old 

Oldest   Inhabila'it  inns!  ha\  e  lizard  ill  his  first  in! 

The    Pin  rs  have  of  carrying  n  •-,   in 

front  of  their  shops   so  low   down   ovei    the   pa.;  Table 

injuiy  is  inllieled  on  the  hat   of  even  i  who  happens  to  soar 

.ittle  above  the  height  of  TOM  1  HUM  it. 

The    Practice    that    young    ladi  or  a 

:;tble  purpose,  (,r  n  album  to 

whicl.  Veiled  to  eoniiibnte,  .ids  whose 

:, ou  are  tendril;-  asked  .  ibc— much  to  ihc  persecution  of 

their  male  friends,  who  do  not  like  to  refuse  for  fear  of  being  con- 
sidered mean,  or  "a  lirute." 

The  1'rai  i-of  throwing  halfpence  to 

nding  out  i  ,iiy  to  the 

irs  who  do  happen  to  h- 

The  Practice  tha'  young  about   town,  who  are  - 

innocent,  have  of  s<n  ing,  whenever  Cremome  is  mentioned,  "Cremorne! 
where  is  that  r  " 

There  are  other  Practices  highly  objectionable;  there  is  the. Practice 
of  furores,  as  practised  at  public  concerts;  there  is  the  Practice  of 
health-;, r-  a!    private    parties; 

the  Practice  of  medical  in,  called  out  of 


church,  and  of  chemists  assuming  the  functions  of  medical  men  by 

'advice  gratis  "  to  thcpitieiits  who  come  to  buy  their  drugs". 

>c,  also,  that  lawyers  have  of  (ending  in  long  bills, 

which  is  a  highly  corrupt  legal  Practice ;  and  there  is  the  Practice, 
!,  that  Income-Tux  gatherers  ar  !y  addicted  to,  of 

calling  regularly  four  limes  a-year — which  is  so  corrupt  a  Praci 

the  sooner  Parliament  liiids  a;remedy.for  it,  the  better,  we  I'm 

nation  will  be  pleased. 


SONG  OF  THE  SPORTING  MEMBER. 

THE  Whitebait  in  QUAMEKXIAIXE'S  store-house, 

The  Grouse  on  the  heathery  hill, 
Crv,  "Ain't  Ministers  coming  to  lloor  us?" 

Is  nobody  coming  to  kill :  " 
The  old  shooting-pomes  was  frisky, 

Not.  brought  up  for  September's  campaign  ; 
The  Red-deer  in  distant  GlOn- Whisky 

Look  out  for  the  stalker  in  vain. 

My  yacht  in  Cowes  Water  is  frying, 
Its  crew  all  ashore  getting  drunt : 

My  valet  of  London  is  dying, 

A  ad  asks,  "  When 's  he  to  pack  up  my  trunk  ?  " 
The  landlords  and  I  outers  and  laquaia 

o'er, 

Are  astonished  that  business  so  slack  is, 
•us  sadly,  "  Why  lingers  Milord  'r " 

My  wife  and  my  girls  ask  what  reason 

Hot  August  in  London  to  8] 
With  the  balls,  drums,  and  routs  of  the  season, 

Save  PALJIEKSTOX'S,  all  at  an  end. 
Hang  all  that  prevents  our 

.'jr  Probate  and  Administration! 
H:<  -hang  all  Conns  and  all  shapes, 

Of  Canicular  long  legislation. 

Willi  dividing,  reporting,  committing, 

We  're  all  of  us  worn  off  our  If;: 
Don't  they  know  br:  iled  by  sit: 

To  bed,  after  twelve  theie's  no  summons 

t  ii'  BEOTHES PON,  now,  to  invite 
Do  they  fancy,  like  matter,  the  Commons 

Divisible  ad  infiiiitum  ? 

There 's  GLADSTONE,  with  argument  voluble, 

Proves  a  man  mustn't  part  from  his  •., 
But  o M-  un:o:i  I  kiM\v  should  be  soluble  : 

To  the  House  we  were  m  life. 

We  were  not  ever  tied  till  E 

One  Divorce-Bill  would  h  in  plenty, 

And  that 's  the  divorce  of  euch  member 

"  A  Fincitlo  Parliame.. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  15,  1857. 


JONES  TWES  EIS  NEW  HACK,  WHICH  IS  AS   Q.UIET  AS    A  LAMB— JUST  ABOUT! 


IRISH  ANTI-PRIEST  PRESERVER. 

A  PREVENTIVE  of  broken  heads  being  far  preferable  to  a  plaster  for 
them,  it  is  much  to  be  desired  that  somebody  would  invent  some 
prophylactic  of  that  nature,  tending;  to  moderate  the  party  rage  and 
the  personal  violence  attendant  on  Irish  elections.  How  would  the 
Ballot  answer?  It  is  said  to  have  failed  in  America,  but  it  does  not 
therefore  follow  that  it  should  also  fail  in  Ireland,  unless  the  reason 
why  it  has  failed  in  America  is,  to  use  a  form  of  speech  befitting  an 
Irish  topic,  because  very  many  of  the  American  voters  are  Irish. 
Tobacco  flourishes  on  the  American  soil,  and  is  capable  of  being  grown 
in  Ireland ;  therefore,  if  the  Ballot  does  not  succeed  well  on  the  former, 
it  may,  by  some  politicians,  be  inferred  to  be  unsuitable  to  the  latter ; 
but  though  this  argument  may  very  probably  appear  conclusive  to 
that  eminent  logician,  MR.  GLADSTONE,  to  ourselves  and  others  it  is 
not  quite  satisfactory. 

A  better  reason  why  the  Ballot  may  be  supposed  to  be  ill-adapted  for 
a  wild  Irish  constituency  is  that  it  works  well  in  a  club  of  English  gen- 
tlemen. But,  after  all,  the  proof  of  the  pudding  is  ia  the  eating.  Why 
not  test  the  Ballot  by  tasting  it  ?  An  act  might  be  passed  for  the  tiial  of 
the  Ballot,  for  the  nonce,  at  the  next  Irish  election.  It  might  succeed ; 
and,  if  it  failed,  no  harm  would  be  done.  Nothing  would  be  spoilt.  It 
might  prevent  broken  heads  and  take  away  from  priests  the  occasion 
to  curse  and  blaspheme,  and  threaten  to  deny  the  sacraments  of  their 
church  (as  if  they  were  charms  or  amulets)  to  the  savages  who  are 
superstitious  enough  to  believe  that  the  denial  ia  of  any  consequence. 
The  idea  of  experimental  reform  never  seems  to  occur  to  Parliament. 
Now  the  Ballot  is  just  the  case  for  that  sort  of  reform,  and  a  body  of 
priest-ridden  electors  is  just  the  body  whereon,  according  to  a  beautiful 
proverb,  experiments  ought  to  be  tried. 


An  Unwise  Complaint. 

SOME  of  LORD  RAGLAN'S  friends  in  the  House  of  Lords  have  been 
injudicious  enough  to  complain  that  no  monument  has  been  erected  to 
that  distinguished  nobleman.  Let  them  go  to  Westminster  Hall,  look 
at  the  designs  for  the  WELLINGTON  monument,  and  be  thankful. 


ROOM  REQUIRED  OF  COMPANY. 

YE  Muffs  of  understanding  small, 

Housed  in  the  Street  of  Leadenhall, 

Of  Indian  matters  what  a  mess 

You  'ye  made  through  sleepy  senselessness, 

And  indolent  cupidity ! — 

We  'd  rather  have  your  room  than  your  Company. 

Old  gentlemen,  you  unawares, 

Caught  napping  in  your  easy  chairs, 

Your  army  in  rebellion  find ; 

And  must,  unless  you  're  deaf  and  blind, 

From  what  you  hear,  distinctly  see 

We  'd  rather  have  your  room  than  your  Company. 

In  Parliament  your  jobs  no  more 

Disguised,  and  glossed,  and  varnished  o'er, 

By  interested  rogues,  you  '11  get 

That  House  of  yours  in  order  set ; 

If  or  on  this  point  we  all  agree: 

We  'd  rather  have  your  room  than  your  Company. 


Solvent  of  Gold. 

A  WAG  of  the  Board  of  Examiners  at  Apothecaries'  Hall  asked  an 
applicant  f9r  its  diploma,,  what  Government  measure  was  like  nitro- 
muriatic  acid  ?  The  candidate  could  not  answer  the  question— gave  it 
up.  The  Examiner  said,  "  Why  the  Divorce  Bill,  to  be  sure,  because 
it  will  dissolve  a  wedding-ring."  The  postulant  went  into  convulsions 
of  laughter.  He  passed,  of  course. 


Fortune  is  not  so  Blind. 

WE  accuse  Fortune  of  blindness,  when  it  showers  its  gifts  upon  a 
young  prodigal.  It  is  better,  we  think,  that  a  prodigal  should  have 
them  than  a  miser.  The  prodigal,  at  all  events,  invites  others  to  share 
his  good-fortune  with  him -the  miser  would  keep  it  entirely  to  himselt. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI.— AUGUST  15,7857. 


EXECUTION   OF    "JOHN   COMPANY;" 

Or,  The  Blowing  up  (there  ought  to  be)  in  Leadenhall  Street. 


AUGUST  15,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   Oil  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


67 


THE    POLITICAL    WARBLER. 

A  WF.KKLY  ermlenipnrary  expresses  dissatisfaction  with  the   ; 
>f  tlic  young  humbler  classes.  Instead,  he  coi 

iding  spouting  chilis,  and  training  themaelvei   ill   ilcmo- 

,  and  listen  to  such 

trash  as  "  Mi/mir  "  and  "  />tMiir,g  Ani'H'1."    From  which  c 
course,  he— after  the;  fashion  of  everybody  with  a  grievance— augurs 

i  of  the  country. 

.!//•.  I'uiicli  is  unable  to  share  his  contemporary's  alarm.  The  spouting 
club,  bad  as  ii  r  than  noihincr,  at  a  time  wlicu  there  was 

no  press  for  I  ,    ml  the  pr. 

of  parties.    Now,  tlierc  are  plenty  of  good  and  cheap  new- 
\vriiicn  by  men  oi'eduev  icerity,  from  which  a  yon; 

•If  in  politics,  without  stewing  in  a  publican's 
nuns  to  clap-lra;).     Aud  the  probability  is,  that  his  sweetheart 
on  lor  him  thxi  any  of  the  acquaintances  he  will 
light  for  the  two  songs 
'th  are  indictable  nuisances,  but  In-  may 

••IK:  money,  and  either 
'  places  where  "  (rents _  visit  ing  the 

0  take  port  iu  t,hu  discussions  "  wkk  gin-and-water 
accompaniment. 

,  and  why  not  compromise  this  question  ? 
inert-room,  but.  h  I  as  have  the  political  information 
also.    "Why  not  introduce  a  series  of  songs,  in  which,  < 

i   inusie,  th  'iijlis  of  the  const  iay  be  taught. 

We  place  the  following  specimens  at  the  service  of  M.  JuLLrex. 

THE    THREE    ESTATES. 

Am—"  Tl  f>d." 

By  the  British  Constitution 

The  Realm  haili  Three  Instates, 
Known  by 

".ear  upon  their  ; 
The  Sovereign  sports  a  Diadem, 

A  Coronet  the  i 
And  the  Commons  they  wear  common  Hats, 

Just  like  to  this  one  here, 
My  boys! 

Just  like  to  this  one  here. 

A  King  or  Queen  does  no  great  harm, 

\\  e  've  hedged  them  in  so  tight ; 
But  the  !  istocraey 

I  hate  with  all  my  might. 

to  rail  those  precious  Commons 

I,  or  mine. 

Is  a  way  that,  certain  people  have, 
And  it 's  all  uncommon  line, 

My  boys ! 
And  it's  all  uncommon  fine. 

But  there  's  a  good  time  cumin;, 

Its  date  has  been  often  axed, 
When  all  who  please  shall  be  M.P.'s, 

And  no  man  shall  be  taxed. 
When  we  all  shall  have  our  soups  and  jints, 

And  we  all  shall  equal  be  : 
So  here 's  to  the  noble  Charter's  pints, 

1  here 's  for  a  pint  for  me, 

My  boys ! 
And  here 's  for  a  pint  for  me. 

THE    RIGHT    OF    PETITION. 
A  GLEE. 

The  Right  of  Petition  involves  no  sedition, 

Tis  ,-i  time-honoured  right  which  all  Englishmen  claim, 
And  our  earthly  com! 

Come  up  to  St.  Stephen's",  and  set  forth  the  same. 
Aay,  never  stop  there,  they  detest  innovation, 

The  haughty  tax-eaters  are  deaf  to  your  groan, 
Spurn  their  dust  from  your  IV  ius't  indignation. 

And  lay  your  complaints  at  the  foot  of  the  Throne. 

THE    HABEAS    CORPUS. 

.Vlli— "  Jfr 

I  sing  the  Habeas  Corpus 
That 's  always  sweet  to  me. 

lade  on  porpoise 
To  keep  the  Briton  free. 


No  rascally  oppressor 

Can  on  our  rights  entrench, 
"\Vhile  \\e  fu:  an  ,  Sir, 

s's— the  Briton's— 

Of  justice  no  denial 

Our  limbs  in  chains  shall 
U  e'll  have  au  open  trial 

In  the  I'aee  of  all  mankind  ; 

To  ad 

• 
The  Body-Snatc! 


Bench. 


PARLIAMENTARY  AND  MINISTERIAL  EDUCATION. 


"  I  AM  anxious  to  enter  the  Army.    However,  an  examination 
stands  in  the  way.   I  find  that,  before  wearing  Hm  's  uniform, 

I  mu^  iciency  in  more  things  than  were  ever  dreamt  of 

in  the  of  an  officer  bel 

ihe  report  that  is  just  issued  by  the  Council  on  Military 

iiion  :  — 

"I"  ;iftcr  producing  medical  and  religious  certificates,  Ac.,  will  be 

.     Ku^lish,    FrcuL-h.    othn  .n^ue«, 

•  and  Geography,  Geology  and  Mineralogy,  Chemistry,  lleat,  Electricity,  aud 
Drawing." 

"  There,  Sir,  I  hope  the  list  is  long  enough  ?    Why,  Sir,  I  doubt  if 
even  entleman  who   writes   the  'Answers  to   Corre- 


spondents' in  /l/'U's  Life  —  and  he  is  supposed  to  know  everything  — 
would  be  able  to  pass  his  examination  iu  one  half  those  acquircm 
I  should  like  to  know  how  many  Members  cf  Parliament,  supposing 
M.I'.  'shad  to  undergo  an  examination,  would  be  able  to  carry  them- 
selves creditably  through  an  ordeal  like  the  above  ?  It  is  my  belief 
that  000  out  of  the  entire  lot  would  be  remorselessly  '  plucked.'  I 
ask,  .'•  s  I/IKE  well  grounded  in  the  classics?  What  does 

SIB  CHAKLKS  NAPIER,  in  spite  of  all  the  stones  that  have  been  flung 
n,  know  about  geology?  I  should  like  to  be  informed  if  ME. 
SAMUEL  WAIIREN  has  any  profound  insight  into  the  secrets  of 
chemistry,  and  whether  MR.  ROEBUCK  has  any  extensive  knowledge  of 
the  mysteries  of  heat,  beyond  the  heat  of  temper  he  occasionally 
displays  iu  debate?  I  should  like  to  hear  MR.  DONALD  NICOLL 
nned  in  the  first  four  books  of  Euclid,  and  it  would  give  me 
infinite  pleasure  to  see  MR.  WILSON  put  by  PROFESSOR  FARADAY 
tkrougb  a  regular  good  course  of  electricity.  We  all  know  that  LORD 
JOHN'S  knowledge  of  the  French  is  none  o"f  the  deepest,  and  I  should 
doubt  strongly  if  LOUD  PALMERSTOX'S  acquaintance  with  mineralogy 
went  any  deeper.  And  lastly,  do  you  think  MB.  WISCOUNT  WILLIAMS 
W0(uld  be  able  for  two  minutes  to  stand  an  examination  in  English  ? 

"  My  dear  Pi'ii'-li,  are  we,  young  officers,  such  ADMIRABLE  CRICH- 

TONS,  that  we  are  supposed  te  have  a  touch  of  everything?    I  wonder 

i  they  were  about  it,  that  they  did  not,  amongst  the  other 

'•rata,  include  also  a  knowledge  ot  cooking,  photography,  dancing, 

tooth-drawing,  and  chimney-sweeping  P 

"  An  officer  is  none  the  better  for  being  a  dunce  —  but  I  do  not 
think  an  officer  will  be  any  the  better  officer  for  being  a  living  Ency- 
clopaedia. How  many  mature  public  men,  I  ask,  are  mentally  qualified 
to  prove  their  strength  in  one  half  the  attainments  demanded  en  haut 
of  a  young  officer  under  the  age  of  21  •  Nay,  as  far  as  that  goes,  I 
will  put  to  joii  this  bold  question:  'Would  PRINCE  ALBERT  himself, 
accomplished  gentleman  as  he  is,  ever  have  attained  his  present  dis- 
tinguished grade  as  Field  Marshal,  supposing  he  had  been  subjected, 
at  every  grade,  to  an  examination  as  stiff  as  the  above?' 

"  I  have  my  fears,  Punch,  but  still  I  hope  to  prove  myself,   in 

due  lime>  "  A  PASS-ABLE  OFFICER. 

"  P.S.  Why  should  not  Ministers  have  to  pass  an  examination  ':  A  11 
other  persons,  applying  for  Government  situations,  have  to  go  through 
that  educational  ordeal,  and  why  should  not  they?  If  it  is  important 
for  us,  and  other  servants  of  the  Crown,  I  hold  that  it  is  doubly 


important  for  them. 
MINISTERS!/" 


J      W*       MM      Ml  V "  I'*      *     u\siu      <  Jibti,      it,     1O      UVU.WJ 

I  raise  the  cry,  then,  of  'ExAJCNAiioss  FOR 


VERY  LIGHT  READING. 

A  DUBLIN  paper  in  describing  a  human  body  lately  discovered  in  an 
extraordinary  state  of  preservation  in  a  peat  bog  near  Mullingar,  says 
that — 

"  It  appeared  to  be  thst  of  a  strong  muscular  man,  and  exhibited  no  perceptible 
marks  of  violence,  except  that  tho  head  was  severed  from  the  neck  just  on  a  line 
with  the  r^ot  ot'the  tongue." 

The  exception  seems  a  rather  important  one.  Our  Hibernian  con- 
temporary apparently  makes  light  ot  a  somewhat  serious  mutilation  in 
virtually  stating  that  the  deceased  person  had  only  had  his  head  cut  off. 


68 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  15,  1857. 


A  PEEP  INTO  WESTMINSTER  HALL. 

Being  at  much  as  Mi:  Punch  can  retailed  of  the  Descriptions  appended  to  the  Wellington 


',  Models. 


THE  DUKE  OP  WELLINGTON  supported  by 
Fortitude  and  the  Honourable  East  India 
Company,  tramples  on  Misrepresentation  and 
Unconstitutionalism ;  and  brandishing  the 
sword  of  Justice  in  the  face  of  Ingratitude, 
plants  the  Standard  of  National  Liberty  under 
the  protection  of  the  British  Lion.  .Motto  : 
Sonus,  bona,  tonum. 


The  DUKE  OF  WELLINGTON  plucks  the  Sym 
bols  of  Despotism  from  the  Lair  of  Tyranny, 
and  putting  to  flight  at  once  NAPOLEON'  anc; 
Anarchy,  introduces  History  to  the  Speaker  ol 
the  House  of  Lords,  and  calls  upon  Time  to 
take  notes  of  his  speeches.  Motto :  Verbum  sat 
sapienti. 


The  DUKE  or  WELLINGTON  between  Honour 
and  Glory  leads  the  British  Grenadier  into 
action,  and  pointing  to  the  Angel  of  Temper- 
ance to  show  the  moderation  of  his  proceedings, 
reckons  to  Modesty,  Economy,  and  Charity  to 
advance  the  flag  of  England.  Motto : .  Domine 
dirige  nos. 


The  DUKE  OF  WELLINGTON  sustains  the 
form  of  BRITANNIA,  (who  is  tottering  from  the 
effects  of  the  earthquake  of  Revolution),  anc 
holds  to  her  Nose  a  restorative  vial  inscribec 
"  Waterloo,"  -while  the  discomfited  Marshals 
of  Prance  slink  away  in  all  directions,  pursuec 
by  the  avenging  Furies.  Motto :  Sis  dat  qm 
citb  dat. 


The  DUKE  OF  WELLINGTON  at  the  head  of 
the  Cardinal  Virtues  repels  the  advance  of 
Tirroo  SAIB,  and  strikes  terror  into  the 
Demon  of  Revolution,  while  Fame  proclaims 
his  deeds  through  the  silver  trumpet  of  Recti- 
tude. Motto :  Go  thou  and  do  likewise. 


The  DUKE  OP  WELLINGTON,  his  foot  firmly 
planted  on  the  Constitution,  defies  Arrogance, 
Aggression,  and  Usurpation ;  and,  hurling  the 
Bible  at  the  Infidel  Domination  of  France, 
transfixes  with  the  Spear  of  URIEL  the  ferocious 
serpent  of  Oriental  treachery,  and  by  the  grant 
of  Catholic  Emancipation  invites  HIBERNIA 
to  the  bosom  of  BRITANNIA.  Motto :  There  is 
no  mistake. 


Diplomatic  Difficulty. 

WE  are  sorry  to  be  under  the  necessity  of  suggesting  the  question 
why  the  French  and  British  Ambassadors  at  Constantinople  are  not 
like  two  peas ;  because  the  obvious  but  unsatisfactory  answer  is,  that 
there  is  a  difference  between  them. 


Execution  in  the  House  of  Commons. 

IT  is  confidently  predicted  by  certain  noble  Lords,  opposed  to  the 
removal  of  Jewish  disabilities,  that  if  the  Commons  adopt  LORD 
JOHN'S  view  of  the  Act  of  WILLIAM  THE  FOUKTU,  they  will  very 
soon  have  Sheriffs'  Officers  in  the  House. 


AuotsT  15,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CIIAUI VARI. 


A    PEEP    INTO    WESTMINSTER    HALL.-(CoNTlNUED.) 


The  DUKE  OF  WELLINGTON,  mounted  on  his 
lm.se  bridle  is  held  by 

Chivalry,  Valour  fastening  the  Hero's  .spur, 
while  Protestant  Religion  delivers  to  him  the 
Sword  of  !;<i;  ally.  Under  the  horse's  feet  are 
Murder  and  Treason;  and  Foreign  Invasion, 
mortally  wounded,  staggers  backward  B 
the  Boulogne  column.  Motto  :  Arma  vlrumque 


The  DUKE  OF  WELLINGTON  as  Bellcrophon 
•s  Europe  from  the  clinches  of  the  mon- 
ster BONAPARTE,  places  the  British  Crown 
upon  the  Proud  Pinnacles  of  Mercy,  Lib. 
and  Emancipation,  while  Time  breaks  his 
scythe  in  sign  that  he  will  never  destroy  the 
good  work.  Motto :  All  is  *, 

The  DUKE  OF  WELLINGTON  in  classical  cos- 
tume, to  show  the  Simplicity  of  his  Mind,  leads 


the  Charge  of  the  Guards  at  Waterloo,  who 
are  dressed  in  medieval  armour,  to  show  that 
their  glory  was  not  for  an  age  but  for  all  time. 
Mercy  and  the  Genius  of  Treaties  fly  a  short 
distance  behind  him,  and  BRITANNIA  follows 
as  Una  on  the  milk-white  lamb,  while  the 
British  Lion  frantically  rends  the  Tricolor, 
and  the  Fiends  of  Revolution  cling  affrighted 
to  the  rock  of  Liberty.  Motto :  Such  is  Life. 


PROTECTION  TO  JURIES. 

Tm:  lawyers,  it  is  clear,  must  mind  what  they're  about.    If  LOKD 

RAYNHAM'S  Cruelty-Prevention  Act  had  passed,  he  would  have  been  a 

bold  man  who  ventured  to  have  anything  to  do  with  empanelling  ajury. 

uclt  ies  in  common  perpetration  through  the  kingdom,  his 

•niy  had  an  eye  to  the  barbarities  which  are  being 

constantly  inflicted  upon  jurymen.    By  a  clause  especially  devised  for 

their  relief,  the  Bill  included  as  an  indictable  offence — 

"  The  packing  in  any  basket  or  box,  or  in  any  othor  manner,  or  keeping  sn 
packed,  any  fowl  or  other  animal,  so  as  by  deficiency  of  space,  air,  or  pr.i 
cause  distress  or  suffering  thereto." 

And  that  no  doubt  may  exist  as  to  jurors  having  claim  to  the  pro- 
tection of  the  Act,  it  was  afterwards  provided  that — 

"  The  word  '  animal '  shall  include  any  animal,  whether  domcsticatod  or  not,  and 
whether  a  quadruped  or  not." 

It  is  a  fair  argument,  we  think,  although  perhaps  it  may  not  be 
npliment,  that  the  frequent  proofs  of  asinimty 
in  the  verdicts  of  our  juries  should  entitle  them  injustice  to  be  treated 
as  humanely  at  the  least  as  other  members  of  the  long-eared  race. 
And  since  the  owner  of  the  donkey  "  what  wouldn't  go  "  would  clearly 
be  condemuable  for  keeping  it  tied  up,  and  cutting  off  its  corn  or 
thistles,  so  should  it  be  made  an  indictable  pfl'encc  to  starve  a  cpn- 

'iis  jury  who  "won't  go"  to  a  decision.  In  fact,  supposing 
that  LORD  RAVX HAM'S  Act  were  passed,  and  we  were  so  unlucky  as  to 

pun  a  jury,  we  should  make  a  point  of  begging  to  be  "written 
•lown  an  ass,"  that  there  might  be  no  mistake  about  our  having  claim 
to  the  protection  of  the  A.ct;  which,  as  it  provides  most  stringently 
against  air  aud  provender,  and  all  "  unnecessary  restraint," 

would  clearly  be  effective  for  the  punishment  of  those  who  dared  to 
jury-box  us  up  in  a  hot  stifling  Court  of  Law,  and  to  reduce  us  by 
starvation  to  delivering  a  verdict. 


A  Change  for  the  Worse. 

PRINCE  ALBERT'S  new  title  of  "  Prince  Consort  of  England  "  was 

conferred,  it  seems,  that  H.K.II.  might,  take  his  place  among  "  royal" 

ses,  a.t.  the  marriage  of  the  PRINCESS 

-TIE  of  Belgium  with  the  ARCHDVKK  MAXIMILIAN  .'of  Austria. 

••ild  have  supposed  it  better  to  be  "  Serene"  in  England,  than 

"  Royal"  on  the  Continent— as  Continental  Royalties  go. 


TASHIONABLE  SIMPLICITY. 

TALK,  of  the  difficulty  of  an  examination  at  the  College  of  Surgeons ! 
Can  the  anatomy  of  the  internal  ear,  can  the  sphenoid  bone,  can  the 
rclli.'ctions  of  the  peritoneum,  can  the  distribution  of  the  fifth  pair  of 
nerves,  be  compared  to  the  anatomy  of  a  complex  fashionable  costume, 
when  the  following  is  the  idea  of  a  simple  one,  presented  byLe  Follet? 

"It  has  often  been  said  that  simplicityis  the  best  ornament  for  youth  ;  thus,  in  the 
country  or  at  the  sea-side,  wo  recommend,  as  morning  toilette,  small  padded  quilt- 
ings  or  jaconets,  plain  tulle  skirt,  with  casaque  to  match,  flat  embroidered  collars 
and  raousquetaire  sleeves.  For  evening  dress,  English  barege,  mousselino  do  sole, 
foulard  de  Chine ;  in  a  word,  any  light  or  simple  material." 

W"e  should  not  like  to  get  up  the  subject  of  fashionable  dress  with  a 
view  to  standing  an  examination  in  it.  VVe  would  rather  attempt  the 
Assyrian  language  or  the  Egyptian  hieroglyphics.  No  amount  of  study 
would  ever  enable  us  to  master  the  mysteries  of  Le  Follet ;  and  if  we 
were  to  cram  them  ever  so  diligently,  the  result  would  be  ignominious 
rejection.  \\'c  should  share  the  fate  of  the  rose  of  loveliness.  We 
should  infallibly  be  plucked.  We  should  never  so  much  as  get  over 
.  There  is  something  terrible  in  the  technical  uomen- 
clat  urc  of  t  hat-  abstruse  periodical.  Le  Follet.  It  suggests  not  only  an 
intricacy  of  construction  in  female  apparel,  which  is  fearful  and  won- 
derful, but  dire  array  of  figures  representing  the  cost  to  be 
looked  out  for  by  anybody  on  whom  will  fall  the  liability  of  milliners' 
bills.  It  is  therefore  calculated  to  make  the  thinking  but  not  opulent 
lover  to  start  and  pause  with  a  shudder  at  the  threshold  of  the  Temple 
of  Hymen,  if  not  to  bolt  in  a  fright  from  the  sacred  edilice. 


PLAYFULNESS  IN  HIGH  LLFE. 

A  LOVELY  Creature  had  just  been  warbling,  "  Drink  to  me  only  with 
thine  Eyes."    There  was  a  pause.    Everybody  stared  unmeani 
each  other.    There  was  not  a  sound,  sav<  li  of  the  gold  fish 

that,  with  unwearied  tins,  were  carrying  on  their  swimming-matches 
round  the  lane  glass  bowl,  when  LORD  EDGAB  SWANN  (ilie  lineal 
descendant  of  the  united  houses  of  SWASN  AM>  EDGAR)  leant  forward, 
and  said  lovingly  to  his  partner,  "I  wonder,  by  the  bye,  what  kind  of 
tipple  it  is  that"  the  Eye  docs  drink  r"  "  Why,  Champagne  d'Ai,  to  be 
sure!"  exclaimed  the  ever-ready  ACNES,  and,  tapping  his  fingers 
playfully  with  her  fan,  she  spilt  the  coffee  over  his  legs.  Ei>GAKiiad 
new  tro'wsers  on  that  evening,  but  still  he  could  not  help  laughing  at 
the  readiness  of  her  wit. 


70 


prXCII,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  15,  1857. 


"A  VERY  PRETTY   aiTARREL." 

First  Nurserymaid.  "  Me  go  lad,  Mws  !  Ok  dear  no,  not  if  I'm  perfectly  aware  on  it,  Miss, 
which,  you  miykt  a'  seen  me  henter  the  street  fust,  if  you'd  «'  been  looking  straight  before  ycrt  Miss, 
So  you're  not  a-guin'  to  turn  me  off  the  paremint,  if  I  stays  here  all  day,  bcggin  o'  your  pard — " 

Second  Nurserymaid.  "  Oh  don't  name  it,  Mum.    I'm  in  no  "urrijt" 


"  SEDET  jETERNUMQUE  SEDEBIT." 

To  the  Air  o/  "  Little  Eo-peep." 

OF  THESEUS  we  read, 

That  MINOS  decreed. 
In  Hades  for  ever  to  bind  him ; 

Till  HERCULES'  strength, 

Released  him  at  length, 
With  the  loss  of  the  part  behind  him. 

But  PAM  to  wrench 

From  the  Treasury  Bench 
Cease,  GLADSTONE,  the  vain  endeavour ; 

For  rather  than  move 

He  '11  quote  HORACE  to  prove, 
"  He  sits,  and  will  sit  for  ever." 

Even  your  power  of  talk, 

By  a  long  long  chalk, 
Is  beat  by  his  power  of  silence ; 

Speech  must  run  dry, 

But  if  no  one  reply, 
It  must  come  to  a  vote  a  while  hence. 

You  must  use  your  own  tongue, 

And  your  own  power  of  lung, 
For  your  eloquent  orthodoxy.';  _ 

But  simply  to  sit, 

Requires  no  wit, 
So  PAM  can  sit  by  proxy. 

From  the  Treasury  Bench 

You  will  have  to  wrench, 
Not  one  man  but  a  party ; 

Who  respect  his  force 

More  than  your  discourse, 
"  No/i  tarn  Mercurio  quam  Marie." 

He 's  more  THESEUS  to  sit 

Than,  with  all  your  wit, 
You  are  HERCULES  to  unbind  him : 

You  must  take  up  your  tale, 

But  he  still  will  prevail, 
By  leaving  his  tail  behind  him. 


"  DUST,  OH !   DUST,  OH !  " 

WE  have  always  felt  that  some  signal  and  terrible  vengeance  would 
come  upon  the  inhabitants  of  the  Quadrant.  In  their  imbecile  blind- 
ness, and  greed  of  gain,  they  caused  the  destruction  of  their  Colonnade, 
one  of  the  few  architectural  features  of  London.  They  did  so  on  the 


HOW  TO  MAKE  AN  INDIAN  PICKLE. 

ENTRUST  the  selection  of  materials  and  the  whole  management  of 
affairs  to  a  commercial  company,  like  (for  instance)  the  East  India 
Company.  Allow  them  to  make  use  of  as  much  corruption  as  they 
please.  Throw  in  various  green  things,  such  as  incompetent  judges, 
'  lierers,  and  overbearing  military  officers.  Stir  up  the  above 


principle  on  which  a  man,  troubled  at  night  by  those  insects  which  are  ;  cruel  tax-gatl: 

never  found  in  Lodging-houses,  M'm.  unless  you've  brought  'em  with  with  a  large  Spoon  of  the  ELLENBOROUGH  pattern.  Mix*  the  above 
you,  M'm,  or  they've  come  with  the  things  from  the  wash— should,  }  with  native  superstitions,  and  by  no  means  spare  the  official  sauce, 
instead  of  using  detergents,  burn  his  bed.  The  Quadranters  com- 1  Allow  the  above  quietly  to  ferment  for  several  years  without  taking 

-  !-  -'-    -  '  Jt  --L    -I---''  ,11  .  .       i  i          .  .        *-.     i  .« J  '   _  __i'     _    _J?I___  •  -rrn  J  ..  I  '    't      •     i 


plained  that  objectionable  characters  congregated  under  the  Colonnade ;  i  any  notice  of  how  matters  are  going  on.    When  you  come  to  look  into 


Plague  of  Dust  is  upon  them ! 


These  splendid  weeks  of  fiery  weather  ,  lars,  inquire  ot  the  great  Indian  Pickle  Warehouse,  in  Leadeiihall 

„_    T) _i.     CJi C11_    _   _  i  "AT   f»        TVT  _        T»*  _1    1  •  •  1  »  i  1  1* 


the  avenging  Dust  has  been  permitted  to  sweep  over  Regent  Street  as 
it  sweeps  over  Odessa.  The  costly  wares  have  been  spoiled,  the  dis- 
gusted customers  have  fled— rubbing  pounds  of  dust  out  of  their  furious 
eyes— the  carriages  have  rushed  past  the  shop-doors,  and  trade  lias 
received  even  a  greater  injury  from  the  Dust  than  from  the  Dissolution. 
The  parish  authorities  have  kept  aloof,  and  the  water-cart  has  scarcely 
been  seen.  Ha !  ha  !  Hurran !  We  write  with  our  own  eyes  sore 
with  the  dust  that  has  all  but  ruined  the  locality;  but 
say,— ha !  ha  !  Hurrah !  Parish  authorities,  >our  health ! 
nobly  chastised  the  Goths  that  destroyed  the  Colonnade, 
long  hold  office  to  afflict  and  torment  Regent  Street ! 


own  eyes  sore 
again  we 
You  have 


Street.     N.B.  No  Pickle  is  genuine,  unless  there  is  the  mark  of 
"  JOHN  COMPANY  "  plainly  visible  on  the  face  of  it. 


Russian  Generalship. 


IN  a  very  sensible  letter  on  "  Our  soldiers'  dress  in  India,"  a  cor- 
respondent of  the  Times  quotes  the  observation  of  a  military  authority 
who  remarks,  "that  the  first  duty  of  a  General  is  to  bring  his  men 
fresh  into  the  battlefield."  The  Russian  Generals  are  in  Hie  habit  of 
observing  this  rule  after  a  fashion  of  their  own.  On  the  field  of  battle 
their  men  usually  advance  so  very  fresh  that  they  may  be  said  to  come 


THE  HAUNTED  BRIDGE. 

IN  passing,  the  other  day,  over  Southwark  Bridge,  we  remarked  two 
striking  peculiarities  of  that  structure.  One  of  them  is  its  deep  and' 
dreary  solitude  ;  the  other  the  worn  appearance  of  its  foot-pavement. 
May  you  j  There  is  almost  no  traffic  crossing  it ;  yet  the  flagstones  on  each  side 
of  it  are  as  deeply  scooped  and  indented  as  if  they  had  been  laid  down 
in  the  middle  ages,  and  had  formed  the  only  path  from  the  City  to  the 
Borough  ever  since.  This  convinces  us  that  the  Bridge  is  haunted ; 
and  that  conviction  is  confirmed  by  the  melancholy  and  desolate  aspect 


up  groggy. 


QUERY  FOR  THOSE  WHOM  IT  MAY  CONCERN-.— Is  the  Indian  cnn- 
flagration  the  result  of  incendiarism,  and  was  it  kindled  by  Greek  fire 
fed  witli  Russian  grease  ? 


of  the  toll-gates.  The  phenomena  of  Yankee  Spiritualism  sufficiently 
explain  how  stones  may  be  excavated  by  the  friction  of  invisible  feet. 
There  is  some  prospect,  however,  that  the  ghosts  will  soon  cease  to 
monopolise  Southwark  Bridge.  The  Board  of  Works  has  commenced 
a  negotiation  with  the  Bridge-house  Committee  with  a  view  to  see  if 
the  Bridge  cannot  be  thrown  open ;  when  the  spirits  in  possession  will 
have  to  turn  out,  or  at  least  make  room  for  the  corporeal  British 
Public. 


Primed  by  Willum  Bwdbi 

Print*™,  at  tbeir  Office  in   Lombiird 'Street, 
London.— SATUBDAT,  Augnit  15,  1*157. 


A  MUSICAL  PROVERB  (BY  JULLIEN). — Every  musician  is  born  with'  • 
a  Conductor's  baton  in  his  head. 


y.  of  No.  13,  Upper  Wobora  P1.ce.  nr,,l  Frederick  Mulletl  E«n«,  of  No.  19,  Queen1.  Bo»d  Vert.  Resent'.  Park,  bolh  In  .he  Parish  of  St.  Pancnu.  in  the  County  of  Mid.lle.f. 
Precinct  of  WUUbUra,  m  the  City  ..f  London,  «nd  fabiiihtd  by  them  «t  No.  8i,    Fleet  Street,  in  the    Purilh  of  St.  Bride,  in  tke  Cijy  ci 


ArcrsT  22,  1857.] 


ruxcn,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


71 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

August  10M,  Monday.  LORD  CAOTBELL  burst,  upon  (lie  T)CKE  of 
Aiuivi.i,  with  a  .seohliii'.'  for  not  making  the  marks  upon  posted  letters 
more  distinct.  The  unfortunate  pnMmaster  pleaded  the  threat  number 
of  letters  he  had  tostamp.  hut  said  that  lie  was  having  a  machine  made 
wliicli  would  help  him.  Unless  Mr.  Punch  mistakes,  there  is  a  pretty 
story  about  this  machine,  and  its  reception  by  the  authority  s,  one 
wliieli  would  not  make  a  bad  pendant,  to  another  pretty  story  that  the 
indiscretion  of  an  Kdinbmgh  Reviewer  has  recently  brought  out,  via 
MR.  CHARI.I.S  DICKF.XS. 

In  the  Commons  there  was  a  debute  about  the  new  Public  Offices, 
and  Government  promised  (hut  they  would  do  nothing;  in  the  matter 
but  take  their  coats  oil'  in  order  to  think  intensely.  Then  in^Supply 
there  was  a  fight  on  the  til  100  asked  towards  making  a  National 
Portrait  Gallery,  and  t  he  word  Picture  has  only  to  lie  mentioned  in  the 
House  to  brius  on  :i  .storm  of  abuse  on  SmC ii  AKI.I::-  K  \STL.\KE,  and  then 
n.feu  dejoie  in  his  honour.  This  formality  having  been  complied  with, 
the  vote  was  carried  h\  V.  to  31.  Mit.  HERBERT  l.voii.vM  tnggeeted 
that  a  portrait,  of  .\ln.  Sronsri:  should  be  placed  in  the  collection. 
This  would  be  to  enrich  it.  with  sculpture  to  an  indefinite  extent,  for  if 
a  certain  head  carried  on  a  certain  classic  shield  turned  every  beholder 
to  stone,  the  proposed  portrait,  especially  if  a  good  Anfi-Maynoothiau 
expression  were  thrown  into  i',  would  have  ten-fold  power.  MR. 
INOKAM  deserves  credit  for  so  cheap  and  (ingenious  a  plan  for  creating 
:i  hall  of  statues. 

Mr.  Punch's  intimation,  last  week,  that  the  Act  relative  to  Oaths 
(which  LORD  Jnnx  RUSSELL  thought  would  make  a  loophole  for 
BARON  ROTHSCHILD),  was  not  intended  to  apply  to  the  House  of 
Commons,  had  been  shown,  before  publication,  to  LORD  PALMER- 


Wfitnendtiy.   MR.   HUKWCK,  who  is  a  very  ele\er,   but   a  \. 
person,  and  who  likes  to  hear  himself  talk,  whciher  he 
nonsense  to  utter,  emitted  a  i-'ood  deal  of  the  latter  abettl  the    dill  for 
preventing  the  sale  of  Immoral  Publications.    Me  tried  to  imitate  I, "in 
LYXDHUKST,  but  made  a  ludicrous  failure.     The  dill  is  to  be  amended 
and  will,  we,  hope,  pass. 

Sin  CORNWALL  \A.\\  is  made  a  financial  statement,  the  chief  po'rts 
of  which  were  that  he  does  not  mean  to  reduce  the  I  i  duties 

for  nearly  three,  years  to  come,  and  that  I  lie  Kast   India  Company  hav-i 
not   yet   had  the  impmle  !..   for  money  to  carry  on  the  wur  I'oi 

remedying  their  blunders. 

We  aic  happy  to  announce  that  the  Wills  T.ill  was  passed.  Lcl 
eveiy  OK  not  made  his  will  immediately  do  so.  lie  i 

fool,  and  most,  eiuel  and  unjust    to  his    family  if  he  does  not.     Such  is 
.]//-.  Pttfte£'«  divine  power  of  extracting  a  moral  from  the  most  < 
place  fact. 

Thursday.  Some  bishop  delivered  a  huge  speech  justifying  his  con 
duct  in  reference  to  the  non-consecration  ot  some  place  for  buryitr-, 
Welsh  people.  "We  cannot  conceive  anybody's  being  snllicieiitlj 
interested  in  such  a  matter  to  wish  to  hear  another  woid  about,  it,  but 
should  any  om-  be  alllicted  with  sucli  morbid  curiosity,  he  had  belter 
buy  Friday's  Ti/»e». 

Parliament  in  1*35  refused  to  inflict  a  penalty  on  parochial  officers 
who  neglected  to  put  down  nuisances.  Now,  members  are  being 
poisoned  by  the  stench  from  the  manufactories  near  the  river,  and  Sn 
B.  HALL  writes  to  the  Lambeth  \  estry  to  move  in  the  matter.  The 
Vestry  refuges  point  blank.  Tt  is  hard  that  the  innocent  should  suffer 
w  it  h  the  guilty ;  but  if  there  are  in  town  any  members  who  voted 
against  the  penalty  clause,  we  heartily  hope  that  they  are  suffering 
from  At  nuisance,  as  they  will  be  all  the  readier  to  give,  next  year, 
powers  to  punish  the  contumacious  snobs  of  Lambeth. 


STON.    It  is  hardly  necessary  to  say  that  the  Committee  reported  inj     The  mo  I  he  more  convinced  heis  that  Woman 

accordance  with  that  intimation,  and  that  the  [earth  in  question  is   is  the  greai  nt   to  .Man's  living  in  peace  i 


stopped. 

A  ridiculous  proposal  to  purchase  a  place  of  worship  for  ; 
visitors  to  Paris  was  made,  and  was  fell,  by  the  House  to  be  so  utterly 
absurd  that  Government  were  placed  in  a  minority  of  88  on  division 
j  The  only  excuse  for  such  a  thing  is,  that  it  is  notorious  that  English 
;  visitors  to  Paris  conduct  themselves  much  more,  like  heathens  than  I  IK 
Parisians  themselves.  Folks  who,  here,  are  as  decorous  and  stuck 
up  as  possible,  do  things  and  go  to  places, -there,  which  would  scandalise 
Parisian  ladies  and  gentlemen.  JOHN  BULL  abroad  certainly  wants, 
religious  hints,  but,  as  certainly  would  not  take  them,  and  therefore  the 
prang  him  a  chapel  is  simply  ludicrous.  He  likes  to  go  to  the  service 
m  the  Ambassador's  drawing-room,  because  he  thus  gets  into  aristo 
cratic  precincts,  and,  by  the  way,  it  is  quite  in  accordance  with  LORD 
COWLEY'S  reputed  hospitality  that  he  desires  to  get  rid  even  of  the 
English  who  come  to  say  their  prayeis  in  his  salon. 

Tuesday.  LORD  GRANVILLE  will  not  legislate  about  the  Sale  of 
Poisons  until  next  session,  ancj  meantime  will  thank  the  poison- 
mongers  and  others  to  read  his  Bill,  and  favour  him  with  their 
opinions. 

LORD  PALMERSTON  explained  that  he  had  been  talking  over  the 
Danubian  question  with  the  EMTEROR  op  THE  FRENCH,  and  on  the 
whole  he  thought  that  Kngland  and  Austria  might  fairly  give  way. 
Does  anybody  In  s,  I'\M,  and  Punch  know  what  the  question 

was  ?  Well  then.  PALMERSTON  opposes  the  union  of  Moldavia  wit  h 
Wallachia,  first  because  it  amounts  to  a  dismemberment  of  Ttr 
for  whose  "  integrity  "  we  spent  so  many  lives  and  millions ;  and, 
secondly,  because  the  ne\if  state  would,  he  thinks,  become  Russian. 
The  people  themselves,  being  supposed  to  have  some  slight  concern 
in  the  matter,  were  asked  to  elect  representatives  to  signify  their 
views.  Moldavia  has  elected  adversely  to  union.  But  the  elections 
were  a  good  deal  "managed"  (French  fashion)  by  VocoRirJEs  and  his 
friends,  and  the  unionist  powers,  France,  Russia,  Prussia,  Sardinia, 
declare  the  voting  invalid.  They  bully  the  Sultan,  and  flap  their  flags 
m  Ins  face  to  make  him  take  their  view.  PAM  has  two  or  three  trifles 
on  his  hands— India,  for  one— and  does  not  want  another ;  so  he  has 
allowed  NAPOLEON  to  persuade  him  to  tell  STRATFORD  to  advise  the 
SULTAN  to  give  way.  Phis,  mind,  does  not  prevent  our  kicking  against 
the  union  itself,  should  it  be  urged.  And  now  you  know  all  about  it, 
aud  we  calculate  there  ain't  a  h'hoy  in  either  House  as  could  have 
posted  you  up  so  uncommon  slick.  No,  Siree. 

An  Indian  discussion,  including  LORD  PALMERSTON'S  assurance  that 
the  utmost  vigour  should  be  shown  in  dealing  with  the  crisis,  was 
ollowcd  by  miscellaneous  matters  which  kept  the  Commons  up  till 
three  o'clock.  The  Pimlico  Improvements  Bill  was  passed;  but 
unluckily  without,  the  clause  for  putting  down  the  Cries  which  have 
ruined  Pimlico,  by  rendering  it  uninhabitable  except  by  the  lower 
orders.  However,  a  general  clause,  putting  down  all  Street  Nuisances, 
including  cries,  perambulators,  organs,  round  hats  on  females,  Ethio- 
pian serenaders,  the  carriages  of  quack  doctors,  mendicant  street- 
weepers,  remember-the-grpttoes,  head-over-heelers,  fanatic  preachers, 
crinoline,  and  all  other  disgraces  to  the  boasted  civilisation  of  the 
Metropolis,  must  be  part  of  the  New  Reform  Bill. 


_  _.  „_  , and  amity  with  hi: 

fellow -e  at  the  House  of  Commons.     Its  leaders,  with  sun- 

re,  accomplished,  well-meaning,  good-natured  gentle- 
cuss  and  order  a  war  with  half  the  world,  they  will 
r<  vise  a  whole  system  of  taxation,  they  will  frame  a  hundred  laws  of 
\  itfd  importance,  and  however  stupidly  they  may  manage,  it  will  all  be 
done  with  extreme  courtesy  and  politeness.  No  man  of  sense  will 
lose  his  temper  over  such  trifles.  But,  introduce  Wroman  into  the 
discussion,  and  they  immediately  begin  to  insult  one  another.  This 
day  the  Divorce  Bill  was  debated  for  ten  hoars,  and  nothing  but 
ics  were  exchanged.  We  do  not  care  to  record  such  instances 
of  weakness,  let  us  rather  take  the  more  pleasant  course  of  recording 
one  good  thing  of  PALMERSTON.  Among  other  amenities  of  MR.  GLAD- 
SK INK'S  (v, ho  is  frantic  against  Divorce,  and  made  twenty-nine 
speeches  strains!  it  this  day)  he  called  the  ATTORNEY-GENERAL 
"a  hewer  of  wood  and  drawer  of  water."  By  the  way,  some  people 
think  it  profane  to  iiuote  Scripture  history  lightly,  but  let  that 
pass.  L<mi>  PAI.MEKSTON,  defending  his  attorney,  said  that  as  for 
hewing,  he  certainly  had  cutaway  right  and  left  at" the  enemies  of  the 
bill,  but  it  was  very  insulting  of  GLADSTONE  to  insinuate  that  they 
were  made  of  Wood,  and  that  as  for  "drawing  water,"  his  speeches 
might  well  have  drawn  tears  of  penitence  from  the  eyes  of  those  who 
had  been  offering  iusincere  opposition.  This  was  very  good  of  PAM, 
and  Mr.  Punch  hereby  publicly  claps  bun  on  the  back,  adding 
was  quite  right  in  saying  that  he  would  sit  there  day  by  day  and  night 
by  night  until  the  bill  had  passed. 

'i.  That  extraordinary  LORD  CRANWORTH,  who  is  always  doing 
the  queerest  things  at  the  strangest  times,  seized  the  opportunrty  when 
a  grave  discussion  on  the  Indian  crisis  was  appointed,  to  break  into  a 
eulogy  of  the  Court  of  Chancery.  The  business  had  never  been  in  a 
more  satisfactory  state,  and  when  delays  occurred  it  was  the  fault  of 
>rs,  not  of  the  system.  CRANNY  then  got,  back  to  his  sack, 
where  he  was  safe,  for  LORD  ELLEUBOBOTO-H  looked  very  desirous  of 
taking  him  by  the  car  of  his  wig,  and  conducting  him  to  the  door. 

An  Indian  debate  followed,  in  the  course  of  which  LORD  P 
said  that,  a  militia  vote  of  t200,000  had  been  taken,  with  which  it  was 
'ntended  to  embody  lO.IHK)  of  the  militia  before  February,  when  Par- 
iament  would  be  again  assembled.  These  men  are  to  be  placed  in  the 
rarrisqns  weakened  by  the  dispatch  of  the  regulars  to  the  east.  Young 
adics  in  the  provinces  must  make  up  their  minds  to  the  change.  It 
may  not  be  so  great  as  they  expect — we  assure  them  that  we  know 
several  militia  officers  who  are  quite  as  handsome  and  foolish  as  any 
'.n  the  army,  and  what  more  can  a  young  lady  desire  ? 

In  the   Commons,  Divorce  again.    LORD  PAXMERSTON  and  MR, 

JLADSTONE  made  some  mutual  apologies  for  blowing  one  another  up 

;he  night  before,  and  then  the  wrangle  proceeded.    At  the  end  of  the 

light  the  Committee  had  agreed  to  the  27th  clause.     .\lit.  GLADSTONE 

ook  an  opportunity  of  denying  that  he  had  any  share  in  getting  up 

evidence  to  obtain  the  DUKE  OF  NEWCASTLE'S  divorce.    Nobody  sup- 

>osed  that  one  of  the  most,  high-minded  and  honourable  men  in  the 

world  had  acted  as  a  spy  or  a  delator,  but  he  undoubtedly  favoured,  and 

n  a  measure  promoted,  a  relief  to  the  Duke,  which,  on  principle,  he 

would  now  deny  to  other  aggrieved  hush- 


VOL.   XXXIII, 


72 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  22,  1857. 


MR  ESTCOURT  made  a  speech  in  favour  of  the  Euphrates  Railway,  and  LORD  PALMERSTON, 
a<*ain  condemning  the  Suez  plan,  considered  that  in  all  such  matters  Government  ought  to 
be  onlv  a  Spectator.  SIR  FITZROY  KELLY  then  inquired,  whether  the  KING  OF  OUDE  were  m 
confinement  and  why  •  and  observed  that  his  family  here  disbelieved  that  lie  could  have  any 
share  in  the  mutiny.  Mu.  VKKNOX  SMITH  made  a  very  mild  answer,  to  the  effect  that  the 
King  was  under  restraint  until  an  investigation  could  take  place,  when,  if  innocent,  he  would 
be  liberated.  The  same  day,  Mr.  Punch  happened  to  receive  the  Calcutta  Englishman,  in 
which  newspaper  an  officer  at  Ghazeepore  states  his  view  of  the  case  in  somewhat  less 
delicate  terms.  He  says : — 

"  What  is  tn  become  of  the  King  of  Oude !  I  suppose  Government  will  act  energetically  for  once  in  a  way, 
and  hang  the  fellow,  aud  as  many  of  his  adherents  as  possible." 

Mr.  Punch  has  only  to  add,  that  lie  thinks  MR.  HAKT,  of  the  Trafalgar,  has  been  unfairly 
treated  by  the  White-Bait  Feast's  having  been  postponed  until  the  fish  must  be  as  big  as 
smelts.  While  this  number  is  being  published,  the  table  is  being  laid  for  the  Dictator  s 
Greenwich  Dinner.  Who  will  receive  the  Penny  Mug  ? 


TUFir:  V. 
\m 


\ 


FULL  MARCHING  ORDER-THE   PENANCE  OF  PANMURE. 


THE  EARLY  CLOSING  ASSOCIATION. 

Tire  Fetes  of  this  Association,  curiously  enough,  have  been  taking  place  at  the  Crystal 
j  alace,  whilst  the  adjourned  debates  on  the  Divorce  Bill  have  been  going  on,  morning  and 
night,  m  the  House  of  Commons.  Thanks  to  MESSRS.  GLADSTONE,  HENLEY,  DRUMMOND, 
Cox,  and  MANNERS,  the  poor  members  will  be  deprived  of  the  Fete,  with  whicli  they 
generally  celebrate  the  early  closing  of  Parliament,  on  the  Moors  in  Scotland  and  other 
heathery  places.  Several  of  the  grouse,  wondering  at  the  protracted  absence  of  their  usual 
visitors,  have  begun  to  pair  off  for  the  next  season. 


THE  SONG  OE  THE  HOUSE. 

WITH  patience  threadbare  worn, 

With  eyelids  heavy  as  lead, 
A  Member  sat  in  the  Commons'  House 

When  he  ought  to  have  been  in  bed. 
Sit!  sit!  sit! 

In  dog-days,  small-hours  and  frowse, 
And  as  his  place  he  couldn't  quit, 

He  sang  the  song  of  the  House. 

"Talk!  talk!  talk! 

In  the  morning  from  twelve  till  four ! 
And  talk!  talk!  talk! 

At  evening  for  eight  hours  more ! 
It 's,  oh,  to  be  a  slave 

At  words  instead  of  work, 
With  GLADSTONE  and  PAM  for  Fox  and  PITT, 

And  BETIIELL  instead  of  BURKE  ! 

"Talk!  talk!  talk! 

Till  the  painted  windows  swim ; 
Talk!  talk!  talk! 

Till  the  lights  in  the  roof  wax  dim  ! 
Clause  and  section  and  line — 

Line  and  section  and  clause — 
Till  on  the  benches  we  fall  asleep, 

And  dream  of  making  laws. 

Oh,  men,  with  incomes  clear, 

Oh,  men,  with  houses  and  wives, 
What  fools  we  are  to  be  stewing  here, 

When  we  might  lead  easy  lives ! 
Stick!  stick!  stick! 

In  the  stench  of  the  bone-boilers'  dirt ; 
To  hear  GLADSTONE'S  taunts  at  BETHELL,  ' 

And  BETIIELL'S  rejoinders  pert ! 

"Talk!  talk!  talk! 

Our  labour  lasts  night  and  day  : 
And  what  are  its  wages — nothing  a-year, 

And  election  bills  to  pay ; 
The  right  to  stand  on  this  matted  floor, 

The  right  to  address  that  chair, 
And  the  "Times  a  blank — for  I  'm  not  of  the  rank 

To  be  reported  there. 

"  Sit !  sit !  sit ! 

From  weary  chime  to  chime ; 
Sit!  sit!  sit! 

And  to  miss  a  division's  a  crime. 
Amend,  divide,  and  report — 

Report,  divide,  and  amend — 
Till  each  section 's  a  riddle,  the  Act  a  maze 

And  a  muddle  from  end  to  end. 

"Talk!  talk!  talk! 

In  the  blazing  midsummer  light ; 
Talk!  talk!  talk! 

Through  the  sweltering  midsummer  night : 
While  all  about  the  House 

The  bone-boilers'  odours  cling. 
To  mock  us  with  dreams  of  the  heathery  hills, 

Where  the  grouse  are  on  the  wing ! 

"  Oh !  but  to  breathe  the  breath 

Of  the  heather  and  gorse  so  sweet, 
With  my  wide-awake  on  my  head, 

And  my  luncheon  at  my  feet ! 
For  only  one  short  hour 

To  feel  as  I  used  to  feel, 
After  a  morning's  blaze  at  the  birds, 

For  an>ppetite  for  my  meal ! 

With  patience  threadbare  worn, 

With  eyelids  heavy  as  lead, 
A  Member  sat  in  the  Commons'  House 

When  he  fain  would  have  been  in  bed. 
Sit !    sit !    sit ! 

In  dog-days,  small  hours  and  frowse, 
And  as  the  debate  he  couldn't  quit, 
He  tried  to  make  the  best  of  it, 

By  singing  the  Song  of  the  House ! 


THE  FRENCH  CLACQUEUR'S  MOTTO.  —  "  Bit 
dat  qui  citb  dat." 


AUGUST  22,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


73 


ADDING    INSULT    TO    INJURY. 

NOBBS,    HAVING    COME    WITH    HIS    FAMILY    TO    THE   SEASIDE  FOB  A  LITTLE    CHANGE    OF  SCENE,  COMPLAINS    THAT  THEY  HAVE  BEEN 

TEKIUBLY  BITTEN  BY— (BUT  NO,  WE  WILL  NOT  MENTION  THE  HORRID  CREATURES)— AND  is  ADDRESSED  THUS  BY  THE  LODGING- 
HOUSE  KEEPER:   "THEN  HALL  I  CAN  SAY,  SIR,  ins— THAT,  IF  YOU'VE  BEEN  HILL-CONWENIENCED  BY  'EM,  YOU  MUST  A'  BROUGHT 

'EM  DOWN  WITH  YOU  IN  YOUR  PORTMANTEL!" 

I 


THE  CHIEF  CASE  FOR  LORD  CAMPBELL'S  ACT. 

IF  LORD  CAMPBELL'S  Bill  for  the  abatement  of  the  Holywell  Street 
nuisance  passes,  perhaps  it  will  effect  the  abatement  of  a  similar,  but 
worse,  because  more  public,  nuisance.  The  nuisance  of  quack  doctors' 
advertisements  equals,  if  it  does  not  exceed,  the  Holywell  Street 
imiMincc'  in  turpitude,  and  far  surpasses  it  in  magnitude.  Instead  of 
being  confined  to  an  obscure  lane,  it  is  spread  over  a  vast  proportion  of 
the  newspaper-press,  and  thus  extended  upon  parlour  and  drawing- 
room  tables.  Immediately  under  the  eyes  of  the  female  portion  of 
innumerable  respectable  families  throughout  the  kingdom,  are  lying 
about  advertisements  unlit  for  the  perusal  of  the  vilest  blackguard. 
The  evil  is  most  conspicuous  and  glaring  in  the  country  journals. 
Most  of  those  London  papers  that  admit  these  execrable  puffs 
thrust  them  into  a  corner— the  Holywell  Street  department  of  the 
paper— but  our  provincial  contemporaries,  in  many  instances,  parade 
i him  in  large  type,  in  the  most  conspicuous  part  of  their  columns; 
perhapi  in  juxtaposition  with  the  announcement  of  a  missionary 
meeting. 

In  many  a  newspaper,  metropolitan  as  well  as  local,  you  find  a 
religions  leading  article  on  one  page,  and  a  series  of  these  revolting 
advertisements  on  another,  We  have  only  described  one-half  of  the 
evil  of  these  nuisances.  Not  only  dp  they  rival,  if  not  beat,  the 
Holywell  Street  nuisances  in  demoralising  tendency;  they  are  also 
infamous  as  contrivances  for  purposes  of  fraud  and  extortion.  They 
are  put  forth  by  scoundrels,  who  pretend  to  be  surgeons,  with  the 
object  of  swindling  weak  and  ignorant  people.  The  dupes,  for  whose 
deception  they  are  intended,  are  nervous  patients,  who,  conscious  of 
having  committed  some  immoralities  in  the  course  of  their  lives,  are 
easily  persuaded  that  their  ailments  are  owing  to  those  errors. 
Induced  to  confide  their  cases  to  the  advertising  quack,  they  are  dosed 
with  sham-specifics  for  imaginary  complaints,  and  charged  exorbitant 
fees,  amounting  in  many  instances  to  hundreds  of  pounds,  which  if 


they  refuse  to  pay,  the  quack  threatens  a  public  action/and  consequent 
disclosure  of  their  confessions.  The  Lancet  has  done  good  service  by 
directing  attention  to  a  case  in  point.  Surely  those  newspapers  that 
lend  their  columns  to  the  lying  professions  of  these  rascals  will  be 
comprised  in  the  class  of  publications  threatened  by  LORD  CAMPBELL'S 
Bill.  Even  as  it  is,  are  they  not  open  to  indictment  by  the  Society  for 
the  Suppression  of  Vice  ?  That  Society,  however,  confines  its  efforts 
to  the  Suppression  of  Vice  in  the  slums,  and  makes  no  attempt  to 
exclude  it  from  family  circles.  Virtue  lives  in  a  pig-stye,  and  complains 
of  a  remote  cow-house. 

Whilst  the  advertising  quacks  remain  at  large,  it  may  be  as  well  to 
mention  some  of  the  peculiarities  by  which  they  may  be  personally 
recognised.  Many  of  them  drive  about  Town  in  remarkable  equipages. 
They  wear  extraordinary  and  conspicuous  beards  and  moustaches. 
Their  names  are  mostly  assumed ;  almost  every  one  of  them  has  an 
alias.  ~Vfc  grieve  to  state  also — because  the  circumstance  we  are 
about  to  mention  is  one  that  tends  to  maintain  an  unworthy  prejudice 
against  a  particular  class  of  our  fellow  subjects — that  very  many  of 
them  are  distinguished  by  the  same  peculiar  features  as  those  which 
denote  Sheriffs'  Officers  and  Old  Clothesmeu. 

When  LORD  CAMPBELL'S  measure  shall  have  passed,  we  shall  make  a 
tour  of  prisons,  in  the  hope  of  having  the  pleasure  of  seeing  at  least  one 
of  these  fellows  actively  employed  for  the  first  time  in  his  life,  perhaps, 
unless  he  has  been  similarly  employed  already  for  buying  stolen  goods, 
either  in  grinding  vigorously  at  the  crank,  or  tripping  it  nimbly  on  the 
treadmill. 


The  Common  Objects  of  the  Sea-Shore." 

"  WHY  publish  a  book  under  such  a  title  ?  "  writes  a  bilious  Rams- 
gate  correspondent,  "as  if  everybody  didn't  know  the  commonest 
objects  of  the  sea-shore  to  be  clumsy  feet  in  buff  slippers,  and  pretty 
faces  in  round  hats." 


74 


PUNCH,    OR  THE   LONDON    CIIARIVARL 


[AUGUST  22,  1857. 


ANIMAL    LONGEVITY. 


HE  papers  have  been  amusing  themselves  with  giving  the  ages 
of  various  animals.  There  are  in  the  account,  however,  several 
omissions,  which  we  beg  to  supply.  The  age  of  the  British  Lion  is 
not  given.  This  is  an  unpardonable  oversight  towards  one,  who  has 
made  so  much  noise  in  the  world,  and,  more  especially,  as  he  has  lived 
longer  than  all  the  other  animals  put  together.  The  longest-lived 
annual,  according  to  BUPFON.  (we  should  like  to  know  how  he  verified 
the  age  ?)  is  the  Elephant,  who  is  said  to  live  to  the  age  of  100  years. 
Now,  the  British  Lion  is  considerably  older  than  that,  and  is  now  as 
young  and  as  sprightly  as  ever.  The  way  in  which  he  is  continually 
wagging  his  tafl  is  a  proof  of  this.  He  will  doubtlessly  live  as  long  as 
BRITANNIA  herself. 

The  British  Lion's  precise  age  may  be  ascertained  at  the  Herald  s 
College,  where,  on  the  payment  of  a  small  fee,  you  will  doubtlessly  be 
able  to  procure  a  certificate  of  his  birth  and  baptism.  The  reader  is 
recommended  to  make  the  trial. 

There  is  the  British  Unicorn,  too,  who  stands  nearly  in  the  same 
position  as  the  Lion,  and,  perhaps,  in  the  main,  is  quite  as  old. 

There  are  other  omissions,  which  we  deplore.  There  is  the  Russian 
Bear,  scarred  and  disfigured  as  he  has  been  lately,  and  the  Frencl 
EaglCj  and  all  sorts  of  Eagles,  belonging  to  Prussia,  Austria,  anc 
America,  either  with  single  or  double,  or  as  many  heads  as  a  bundle  o 
asparagus.  We  ought  to  have  been  informed  of  their  respective  ages. 

Talking  of  America,  we  find  no  mention  made  of  the  American  Set 
Serpent,who,  first  discovered  in  a  printer's  fount,  has  since  establishes 
a  small  Serpentine  for  himself  in  every  well-conducted  American  news 
paper.  What  is  the  Serpent's  age  ?  We  will  not  make  inquiries  abou 
Old  Mother  Hubbard's  Dog,  nor  Little  Bo-Peep's  Sheep,  nor  the  cele 
brated  Cow  who  is  reported  to  have  jumped  over  the  Moon,  nor  abou 
any  of  the  clever  animals,  who  have  lived  for  so  many  ages  in  ./Esop's 
GAT'S,  and  LAFONTAINE'S  fables.  Fortunately,  they  are  still  alive,  am 
have  in  them  a  longer  lease  of  life  than  any  herald  can  give  them 
They  are  "not  for  an  age,  but  for  all  time,"  and  will  live  co-eterna 
with  PUNCH'S  Dog  Toby. 

Advice  to  Angry  Men. 

BE  doubly  careful  in  this  hot  weather.    Resolutions,  taken  up 
warmly  during  the  day,  should  be  put  out  all  night,  and  looked  at,  when 
cool,  the  next  morning.    Above  all,  do  nothing  in  the  heat  of  th 
moment,  more  especially  when  that  heat  happens  to  be  not  less  thai 
85"  in  the  shade.    As  has  been  pithily  said,     The  impetuous  man,  wh 
acts  from  the  heat  of  the  moment,  is  singularly  apt  to  burn  his 
fingers."  

THE  OXLT  TKFE  HISTORICAL  PORTRAIT  GALLERY—  The  cartoon 
every  week  in  Punch. 


THE  FINE  YOUNG  ENGLISH  OFFICEB, 
AS  HE  IS  TO  BE. 

I  SING  of  one  whom  now  that  we  5ve  begun  to  educate, 
The  House  of  Commons  lately  made  the  subject  of  debate : 
"Whose  qualities  each  Member  vied  with  each  to  numerate, 
And  what  tlieir  fancy  painted  him  1  '11  now  proceed  to  state  : 
'Tis  the  fine  young  English  Officer,  as  he  is  to  be— in  time. 

His  head  so  old  on  shoulders  young  with  knowledge  overflows, 
Acquaintance  with  all  sciences  and  arts  its  stores  disclose, 
All  books  and  in  all  languages  by  heart  almost  he  knows, 
And  he's  able  to  write  legibly,  and  what  is  more,  compose : 
Like  a  wise  young  English  Officer,  the  reason  of  my  rhyme. 

Italian,  Trench,  and  Spanish,  and  Dutch,  high  or  low,  he '11  speak, 
Count  Troy-weight  like  a  Trojan,  tell  the  time  of  day  m  Greek; 
And  if  to  serve  in  India  he  be  a  chosen  man,  he 
Will  astonish  all  the  natives  in  the  choicest  Hmdostanee : 
Like  a  polyglot  young  officer,  fit  for  the  future  time. 

Nor  are  his  powers  of  body  less  than  are  those  of  his  mind ; 
Quick  eye,  strong  arm,  and  foot  so  fleet  as  ne'er  to  lag  behind; 
Good  lungs,  and  constitution  such  as  no  fatigue  can  ieel. 
With  iron  nerves  and  sinews,  and  a  heart  as  true  as  steel, 

Has  this  brave  young  English  Officer,  to  serve  us  m  his  prime. 

A  Centaur  in  his  horsemanship,  an  AXGELO  to  fence, 
In  every  manly  pastime  he  makes  way,  nor  makes  pretence ; 
From  battle-fight  to  fisticuffs  good  generalship  he  proves, 
In  glory's  race  a  winner  and  a  "  wunner"  with  the  gloves : 
Like  the  plucky  British  Officer,  of  past  and  present  time. 

He  can  draw  with  equal  credit  an  earthwork  or  a  cheque, 
Keeps  a  spotless  reputation,  and  accounts  without  a  speck, 
Knows  staff-duties  and  horseflesh,  can  out-bargain  Greek  or  Jew, 
Has  ready  wit  at  his  command,  and  ready  money  too : 

This  accomplished  English  Officer,  one  of  the  coming  time. 

MORAL. 

Now  all  you  fine  young  Officers  who  'd  mind  your  q's  and  p's, 
The  more  you  're  like  this  picture  the  more  your  Punch  you  '11  please 
Tight  then  your  best  with  ignorance,  count  folly  as  your  foe, 
And  while  not  less  ornamental  far  more  useful  you  will  grow  : 
As  befits  the  British  Officer,  pride  of  the  coming  tune. 


AN  ACQUISITION  FOR  A  FAMILY. 

A  WANT  which  will  not  perhaps  be>eadily  supplied  is  announced  in 
the  advertisement  following : — 

WANTED,  some  distance  in  the  country,  a  comfortable  HOME  for  an 
INTEMPERATE    FEMALE.      A  farm-house  preferred.      Apply  by  letter, 
stating  terms,  which  must  be  moderate,  to  C.  A.  B., ,  Royal  Exchange. 

The  ambiguous  nature  of  the  description  of  the  female  for  whom 
accommodation  is  desired  in  the  above  notification  will  necessitate  any 
reply  that  it  may  possibly  receive  to  be  an  inquiry  as  to  its  meaning. 
Does  the  intemperance  predicated  of  that  lady  mean  violence  oi  lan- 
guage and  demeanour  merely,  or  addiction  to  brandy-and-water,  or,  the 
union  of  both  these  unpleasant  deformities  of  the  feminine  character  1 
The  expectation  that  an  intemperate  female,  whether  irascible  only,  or 
drunk  only,  or  drunk  and  irascible  too,  would  be  received  as  an  inmate 
of  any  decent,  domestic  establishment  on  moderate  terms,  is  rather 
Utopian,  and  taken  in  connection  with  the  preference  expressed  lor  a 
farm-house,  is  evidence  of  quite  a  rural  or  [Arcadian  simplicity,  lie 
reception  of  the  intemperate  party,  on  any  terms,  could  hardly  be 
expected,  except  of  the  proprietor  of  a  cold-water-cure  concern,  or  the 
keeper  of  a  lunatic  asylum,  or  a  superintendent  ol  those  two  institu- 
tions combined. 

A  Question  for  Sculptors. 

THE  Statues  of  SIR  EGBERT  PEEL  are  numerous  enough.  In  some 
he  is  attired  in  the  Roman  toga— in  others  he  is  dressed  m  his  own 
private  clothes.  Now,  is  it  not  strange,  considering  how  closely  Ms 
name  is  identified  with  the  institution  of  the  Police,  that_no  artist  lias 
ever  yet  thought  of  representing  SIR  ROBERT  as  a  Peeler  i 

THE  SHOOTING  SEASON. 

SHOOTING  has  begun  at  Homburg,  Ems,  Spa,  Wiesbaden,  Baden 
Baden,  and  other  places  of  card-playing  resort.    Shooting  beganont 
very  same  day  as  the  opening  of  the  gambling-saloons.    K.D.  ristols 
on  sale  or  hire,  to  be  had  at  the  different  Ball-rooms. 


7. 


S   BENGAL   TIGER. 


n 

nt fil  by  Hie  Lilacs 
i-ciilim-  tl»;  words 
lion-  titly  speak  of 
'Light  Balloons" 

sense  of  our  own 

I  III:   liilltS  Wl! 

mr  critics  must  at 

suggested  for  our 
country  from  that 
from  premature|y 
ly  now  8DgMed  in 
lie  harvest  lit-hl  of 

irryinsr  event liin? 
mid  be 

•bids  our  doubting 
I  lining  sub- 

cts  ma/  br, 

>oscd  is  iii  no  way 

suggested  it. 


STREET. 


•  way  to  the  scien- 

sington,  is  depicted 

t  this  subject 

rihg  and  colouring, 

tints  of  the 

bit  (if  costume,  the 

e  hand  is,  in  fact, 

Art-Hand,  or  an 

\tt-\V<nk  might  be 

i  Art-Prof  I'- 

ll as  in  the  crcat  ion 

>  struggling  indus- 

very  finger-post  be, 

3T-f< 

ight  be  such  as  that 
or  the  hand  might 
arm  with  hand  and 
carved  or  painted. 
statue  pointing  in 
resture.  Room  for 
ifforded.  Thus,  for 
-Finger-Post  plight 
jrd  extended  in  the 
s  the  more  modern 
it  edifice  with  his 
[ouse,  on  the  other 
ic  statue  of  Terpsi- 
an  actual  ballet  girl 
be  represented  exe- 
Ichcd  instead  of  an 
t  toe,  and  the  Art- 
onning  what  might 
it.  Bishops,  Judges, 
g  personages  might 
minting  to  localities 
ns.  To  Art-ringer- 
,  constructed  on  the 
at  the  sides  of  the 
«vent  the  boys  from 
yer  them. 


ather. 

:d  by  the  papers  to 
's  perspiring  during 
ATTORNEY-GENERAL 
ation  with  the  press, 
e  find  an  erratum. 
oquence  bursting.'" 
tnat  the  reporters 
ake  it,  SIB  RICHARD 
pe. 


*  TOWT». 

he  Park  wn»  quite  fall 

:h  it  hit  anuwment,  and 
ited  not  less  than  nine 


HE  pa] 
ofvari< 

omissions,  \rhicl 
not  given.    Tins 
made  so  much  nc 
longer  than  all 
animal,  according 
the  age  ?)  is  the 
Now,  the  British 
younfj  and  as  spr 
wagging  his  tafl  i 
BRITANNIA  herse 

The  British  L 
College,  where,  o 
able  to  procure  a 
recommended  to 

There  is  the  1 
position  as  the  Li 

There  are  other 
Bear,  scarred  and 
Eagle,  and  all  sc 
America,  either  w 
asparagus.  We  c 

Talking  of  Ame 
Serpent.who,  first 
a  small  Serpentine 
paper.  What  is  tl 
Old  Mother  Hubb 
brated  Cow  who  is 
any  of  the  clever  a 
GAT'S,  and  LAFON 
have  in  them  a  loi 
They  are  "  not  for 
with  PUNCH'S  Dog 


BE  doubly  care 
warmly  during  the 
cool,  the  next  mo 
moment,  more  espe 
85°  in  the  shade.  . 
acts  from  the  he< 
fingers." 

THE  OXIT  TRTJI 
every  week  in  Pane 


AUGDBT  22,  1857.] 


IMXCM,   Oil    Till-]   LONDON   CIIAKIYAK!. 


79 


OUR    NATIONAL    DEFENCES. 

HE  drafting  off  some  thirty 
thousand  troops  for  India 
has,  of  course,  revived  tin- 
cry  about  our  national  de- 
fcneeles-ncss,  and  nervous 
members  have  born  nightly 
getting  <m  their  l>-L's  to  ail 
what  measures  have  been 
taken  for  the  safety  of  the 
country,  and  to  impress  upon 
•  I'M. MKKMi'Mlir  policy 
of  its  insurance  from  (lie 
danger  of  invasion.  1'erhaps 
it  may  in  sonic  dcntec  relie\e 
the  minds  < 
to  know  that  Mr.  i'unch,  fur- 

:-•    as    lie   is,   dc- 
apprehend  that  peril  to  be 
iininn  •  ':;»(  IK>,  more- 

over, lias  apian  at   his  pen's 
point,  by  which  we  still  may 
sleep  ill  safety  in  the  ;. 
of  our  troops. 

Mr.  Punch  would  suggest; 

tlmt,;when  its  men-of-war  are  gone,  England  should  rely  on  the  protection  o 
women.    Encased  as  they  are  now  in  whalebone  and  in  steel,  they  are  thoroughly 
well  armed  to  act  on  the  defensive,  and  surrounded  by  their  wide  circumfe 
of  petticoat,  it  is  clear  that  they  are  quite  secure  from  close  attack.     I 
bayonet  would  fail  to  pierce  through  their  stiff  skirts,  and  except  at  a  lout:  r,: 
would  be  impossible  to  open  lire  upon  their  ranks,  even  granting  that  the  enemy 
were  ungallant  enough  to  do  so.    As  for  charging  them  with  cavalry,  the 
ladies  make  with  the  boldest  of  dragoons  is  too  well  known  for  any  horsemen  thus 
to  outdo  Balaklava,  and  rush  madly  on  their  fate:  indeed,  were  it  attempted,  the 
longest-legged  of  chargers  would  fail,  there  is  no  doubt,  to  leap  the  hoops  and  other 
outworks  in  which  the  ladies  would  be  found  inipregnably  entrenched. 

Moreover,  accoutred  as  they  are  at  present,  it  is  clear  that  pur  fair  country 
women  are  not  only  suited  well  to  act  on  the  defensive,  but  are  eminently  fit  for  the 
offensive  also  :  if  gallantry  permits  us  for  a  moment  to  assume  that  a  lady  can  in 
any  sense  be  thought  to  act  offensively.  In  the  case  of  their  attacking,  who  by  any 
possibility  could  stand  against  their  weight,  now  that  every  lady  (it  is  commonly 
believed)  carries  half  a  ton  at  least  of  Crinoline  about  her :  and  from  the  way  in 
which  they  brush  us  off  the  pavement  with  their  skirts,  we  feel  assured  that  m  a 
charge  they  would  sweep  everything  before  them.  By  simply  taking  care  to  keep 
a  pin  or  two  about  them,  they  would  be  well  armed  for  the  occasion  of  close 
fighting :  though  certainly  the  notion  of  their  coming  to  close  quarters  scarcely 
seems  compatible  with  the  extent  of  their  circumference :  and  in  case  of  need,  each 
lady  would  be  free  to  use  her  tongue,  than  which  she  could  not  wield  a  more 
formidable  weapon.  So  long  as  any  woman  has  a  tongue  in  her  head,  she  may 
fairly  be  accounted  armed  to  the  teeth  :  and  we  believe  that  the  first  volley,  were  it 
but  of  small  talk,  would  cause  the  very  boldest-hearted  enemy  to  quail ;  and  induce 
every  man  of  them  to  lay  down  his  arms,  and  run  submissive  into  those  of  his 
vociferous  assailants. 

We  have  said  enough  to  show  that  the  ladies  would  be  sure  to  prove  as  irre- 
sistible in  wai fare,  as  we  are  gallant  enough  to  think  they  are  in  peace :  and  we 
are  convinced  that  in  the  case  of  an  invasion,  they  would  rise  as  one  woman  to 
protect  their  hearths  and  husbands.  Our  fancy  fails  to  picture  a  more  nobly- 
touching  spectacle  than  the  wide  expanse  of  Crinoline  spread  put  to  meet  the  foe, 
and  ourselves  and  fellow  countrymen  all  hid  from  harm  behind  it.  Nor  in  putting 
ourselves  thus  under  petticoat  protection,  should  we  be  exposing  our  defenders  to 
much  danger.  A  lady's  Crinoline  may  now  be  regarded  as  her  castle,  and  she  is  as 

in  it  as  though  she  were  ensconced  in  Gibraltar. 

Should  our  hints  be  acted  on  (and  we  have  too  much  self-respect  to  imagine  they 
will  not),  we  scarcely  need  suggest  that  the  enrolment  of  our  female  troops  had 
better  instantly  commence,  as  the  recurrence  of  wet  weather  might  a  little  damp 
their  ardour.  While  the  present  sunshine  lasts  there  would  be  no  lack  of  volun- 
teering for  the  field,  and  the  country  might  rely  on  seeing  its  defenders  flocking 
out  ol  town  to  it.  From  practising  at  pic-nics  no  doubt  the  troops  would  show  a 
fair  acquaintance  with  field  duties ;  and  in  order  to  familiarise  their  minds  with 
camping  out,  it  might  be  found  expedient  to  start  a  female  Aldershot,  at  which  our 
better  halves  might  now  and  then  take  up  their  quarters.  They  might  there  be 
exercised  in  military  movements,  and  learn  some  notion  of  obedience  to  the  word 
of  command.  If  smartly  carried  out,  the  order  "  Brandish  Bodkins ! "  would 
produce  a  grand  effect;!  and  by  a  sudden  movement  to  the  word  "Present 
Parasols !  "  the  troops  might  safely  frighten  off  a  cavalry  attack.  We  should  think 
too  that  in  cases  of  extreme  emergency,  a  rally  to  the  war  cry,  "  Draw  Pincushions 
—and  Charge ! "  would  strike  terror  to  the  hearts  of  the  bravest  of  assailants. 

As  it  would  be  policy,  in  the  event  of  actual  fighting,  for  the  ladies  every  one  to 
put  on  their  most  killing  looks,  due  attention  should  be  paid  to  their  effectiveness 
of  dress,  and  each  corps  should  be  furnished  with  a  millinery  staff.  In  order  to 
secure  the  display  of  the  best  taste,  the  clothing  Colonelcies  should  be  reserved  for 
competition,  and  be  attainable  not  by  purchase  but  by  merit.  For  the  sake  of 
distinction  as  well  as  uniformity,  the  regiments  might  each  one  of  them  be  dressed 
in  uniform,  and  take  its  name  from  its  distinguishing  costume  and  colours.  The 


absent  Greys  and  Blurs  might  be  represented  by  the  Lilacs 

and  tin:  Pinks  ;   and  discarding  as  t  me  the  words 

"dragoons"  and  "troopers,"  we  it  i  tilly  speak  of 

our  high-mettled  ladyfruards  its  being  "Light  Balloons " 
or  "  Heavy  lion  I  loopers. '' 

Impressed  as  we  are  always  with  the  sense  of  our  own 

wisdom,  we  are  prepared  to  lie  called  fools  for  the  hints  we 

have  thrown  out.     Hut.  the  severest  of  our  critics  must  at 

any  rate  allow  that  the  phn  we  have  suggested  for  our 

i   defence  would  at  least  save  the  country  from  that 

in-cut  loss  of  labour,  which  would  result  from  prematurely 

int  the  militia.    The-'  tly  now  engaged  in 

pent  ions,  doing  gallant  duty  in  the  harvest  Held  of 

and  daily  cutting  down  and   carrying  everything 

before  them,     from  toe  we  should  be 

sorry  to  disturb  them  ;  and  gallantry  forbids  our  doubting 

tli.it   the  .  .1  lilting  sub- 

.     At  any  rale,  whatever  ils  i!i  l',-cl  -  ma)  b,-, 

persuaded  thai  the  scheme  we  have  piopoMd  is  in  noway 
more  absurd  than  the  fears  which  have.siiggested  it. 


ART-APPURTENANCES  OP  THE  STREET. 

ON  a  direction  board  which  shows  the  way  to  the  scien- 
tific and  artistic  collections  at  South  Kensington,  is  depicted 
a  human  hand,  as  index.  The  Is  .  this  subject 

really  evinces  a  very  fair  attempt  at  draw  ing  and  colouring, 
manifest  not  only  in  the  anatom;.  and  of  the 

hand  and  lingers,  hut  also  in  that  fittle  bit  of  costume,  the 
duff,  out  of  which  issues  the  wrist.  The  hand  is,  in  fact, 
to  use  an  outlandish  slang-phrase,  an  Art-Hand,  or  an 
Art-Index.  The  idea  involved  in  this  Art -Work  might  be 
extended,  with  great  advantage  to  the  Art-Profession  in 
the  encouragement  of  Art-Talent,  as  well  as  in  the  creation 
of  employment  affording  subsistence  to  struggling  indus- 
trious Art-Persons.  Why  should  not  every  finger-post  be, 
either  partially  or  entirely,  an  Art-Finger-Post  - 

The  partial  Art-style  of  finger-post  might  be  such  as  that 
exhibited  by  the  model  at  Kensington,  or  the  hand  might 
he  carved,  or  there  might  be  a  whole  arm  with  hand  and 
fingers,  instead  of  a  mere  hand,  either  carved  or  painted. 
The  Art-Finger-Post  entire  might  be  a  statue  pointing  in 
a  given  direction  with  an  appropriate  gesture.  Room  for 
great  variety  of  expression  would  be  afforded.  Thus,  for 
Newgate  Street,  for  instance,  the  Art-Finger-Post  might 
be  a  figure  of  Justice  with  a  drawn  sword  extended  in  the 
direction  of  the  gaol ;  or  it  might  be  the  more  modern 
figure  of  a  policeman  indicating  that  edifice  with  his 
truncheon.  The  way  to  .the  Opera  House,  on  the  other 
hand,  might  be  shown  either  by  a  classic  statue  of  Terpsi- 
chore, or  by  the  sculptured  likeness  of  an  actual  ballet  girl 
— in  the  latter  case  the  figure  might  be  represented  exe- 
cuting a  pirouette,  with  a  leg  outstretched  instead  of  an 
arm,  the  index  constituted  by  the  great  toe,  and  the  Art- 
Work,  instead  of  an  Art-Finger-Post,  forming  what  might 
be  more  correctly  called  an  Art -Toe-Post.  Bishops,  Judges, 
Generals,  Aldermen,  and  other  leading  personages  might 
afford  designs  for  Art-Finger-Posts  pointing  to  localities 
connected  with  their  several  professions.  To  Art-Finger- 
Posts  might  be  added  Art-Lamp-Posts,  constructed  on  the 
same  principle,  and  likewise  Art-Posts  at  the  sides  of  the 
street,  with  spikes  on  their  heads,  to  prevent  the  boys  from 
spoiling  their  Art-Beauty  in  jumping  over  them. 


The  Fault  of  the  Weather. 

Sin  RICHARD  BETHELL  was  reported  by  the  papers  to 
have  remarked  upon  MR.  GLADSTONE'S  perspiring  during 
his  Anti-Divorce  Speech.  The  learned  ATTOBHEY-GE.NKRAL 
would  seem  to  have  been  in  communication  with  the  press, 
as  on  the  fourth  day  afterwards  we  find  an  erratum. 
"For 'perspiration  exuding'  read  'eloquence  bursting.'" 
The  words  sound  so  exactly  alike  that  the  reporters 
might  easily  mistake.  Either  way,  we  take  it,  SIB  RICHARD 
intended  to  give  MR.  GLADSTONE  a  wipe. 


THE  LAST  TWO  SWELLS  IN  TOWK. 

Pint  SmU.  You  won't  beliere  It— bnt  the  Park  wai  quite  ftill 
yesterday  ? 

Second  Kmll  (trits  to  my  tomtthing,  but  nick  it  hit  amtuemtnt,  and 
languid  fate,  that  he  cannot  utter  a  icard). 

First  Smll.  A  fact,  nevertheless  I  I  counted  not  leu  than  nine 
people  in  it— on  my  honour,  I  did  I 


80 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON   CIIAllIVAlii. 


[AUGUST  22,  1857. 


VERY    ARTFUL    CONTRIVANCE. 

Clara.  "War,  DEAR  HE!     WHAT  no  YOU  WEAR  YOUR  HAT  IN  THE  WATER  FOR?" 
.!//•.«.    Walrus.    "On,  I  AI.WAVS  WEAK  IT  WHEN  I   BATHE;    roil  THEN   YOU   SEH,  DEAR,  NO 
O.NE  CAN  RECOGNISE  ME  FROM  THE  BEACH!" 


HARVEST  CAEOL. 

HAUD  though  it  be  to  turn  your  eyes 

From  India's  crimson  plains, 
Where  British  blood  for  vengeance  cries 

On  every  fiend  it  stains, 
Yet  from  those  fields,  so  grimly  dyed 

With  gore  by  dastards  shed, 
Look  on  your  own,  now  far  and  wide 

With  what  a  harvest  red ! 

Instead  of  those  full  sheaves,  we  might 

A  scanty  crop  have  seen ; 
Those  rich  ripe  ears  could,  black  with  blight, 

With  mildew  white,  have  been, 
Untimely  thrashed  with  storms  of  hail, 

Or  sprouting,  soaked  in  rain ; 
We  having  famine  to  bewail, 

As  well  as  kindred  slain. 

At  many  an  early  harvest  home 

Will  many  a  nut-brown  bowl, 
In  many  a  jolly  farmer's  dome, 

Slake  many  a  thirsty  soul 
Be  that  a  grace-cup —ere  we  drink, 

My  mates,  one  moment  stop, 
To  say,  what  every  heart  must  think, 

Thank  God  for  this  good  crop  ! 


A  Medical  Negation. 

SINCE  the  particiikrs  of  the  very  equivoea' 
trial,  that  were  published  at  full  length  in  the 
Lancet  of  August  8th,  DK.  KAIIN  has  felt  himseU 
such  a  complete  negative  in  the  medical  pro- 
fession, that,  he  seriously  intends  altering  the 
name  of  his  Exhibition  to  make  it  suit  his  new 
position.  Henceforth,  he  does  not  wish  it  to  be 
known  as  "KAIIN'S  MUSEUM,"  but,  quite  the 
reverse ;  to  be  always  honourably  mentioned  as 
"THE  MUSEUM  or  CAN'T." 


A  PEEAMBULATOll-TAX  WANTED. 

it.  PUNCH,  SIH,  —  "  Toll-gates 
are  a  nuisance,  soon  to  be 
reckoned  with  things  of  the 
past ;  but  to  my  mind,  Sir. 
perambulators  are  beyond 
comparison  a  greater.  Being 
a  pedestrian  as  well  as  an  old 
bachelor,  I  regard  these  in- 
fantine infernal  machines  with 
two-fold  aversion.  They  not 
only  wheel  against  my  corns 
and  make  me  limp  in  agony 
and  terror  off  the  pavement, 
but  they  bring  mo  into  con- 
tact with  nursemaids  and 
children,  from  whom  it  is  my 
constant  prayer  to  keep  aloof. 
You  may  conceive  then  with 
what  pain  the  other  morning 
in  the  'fines,  I  came  across 
the  following : — 

"  TOLLS  ON  PERAMBULATORS.— 
The  question  'Arc  Perambulators 
liable  to  toll?'  has  been  decided 
before  the  magistrates  ut  Totnes. 
The  decision  was  iu  favour  of  the 
nursery,  and  the  toll-taker  was 
condemned  in  the  costa." 

''Sir,  on  reading  this  pathetic  statement,  my  emotion,  combined 
with  a  small  piece  of  egg-shell,  nearly  choked  me.  To  get  up  from 
the  breakfast-tab  e,  search  for  pen  and  ink,  and  dash  off  three  sheet 
of  condolence  with  that  injured  toll-taker,  was  the  work,  if  not  of  a 

i', '     h    A  °f  n°,,?bove1  ,an  llour-   "  ever  man  deserved  a  statue, 
sider  he  does     His  noble  effort  to  emancipate  the  nation  from 

n         SV™**  should  ™  '°r  hfm  a  niche  between 
:  and  WELLINGTON,  and  be  recorded  in  the  most  per- 
wtuat  ng  marble.    Asa  national  monument  the  work  should,  of  course 
toll  M'^h'Ti'V116  Go«™»*nt,  but  as  1  entertain  a  wish  to  live 
t  finished,  I  have  no  desire  that  Government  should  have  the 
execution  of  it.    Besides,  their  hands  are  full  just  now  with  their 


designs  iipon  the  DUKE  ;  the  carrying  out  of  which  may  in  due  course, 
I  suppose,  be  expected  to  succeed  the  completion  of  the  NELSON 
Column,  and  be  reported  as  'in  progress'  at  the  end  of  the  next 
century. 

"There  is  another  work,  however,  which  the  Government  might 
easily  get  through  with  before  they  go  to  grouse,  and  which  would  do 
the  State— and  especially  the  old  fogy  state— such  service  as  would 
amply  make  amends  for  an  otherwise  unproductive  Session.  An  Act 
for  the  Abatement  of  the  Great  Perambulator  Nuisance,  would  be  an 
Act  of  Charity  for  which  every  street  pedestrian  would  feel  ever  after 
grateful,  and  would  add  a  dozen  yards  at  least  to  the  height  of  popu- 
larity LOKD  PALMEB.STON  now  stands  at.  To  show  how  terribly  the 
nation  is  iu  need  of  some  relief  from  these  vexatious  vehicles,  1  have  a 
mass  of  carefully  collected  statistics  at  my  elbow,  which  throw  a  light 
upon  the  subject  that  is  perfectly  appalling.  I  find  that  on  one  side 
ot  Itegent  Street  alone,  the  daily  traffic  of  perambulators  numbers 
upwards  of  six  thousand ;  and,  through  carelessness  and  furious 
driving,  an  average  of  nine  hundred  and  twenty-seven  corns  (fifty-four 
per  cent,  of  them  belonging  to  old  gentlemen)  have,  according  to  the 
returns  of  the  last  six  mouths,  been  wheeled  over  weekly  by  these 
juvenile  Juggernauts.  With  the  knowledge  of  these  frightful  facts 
you  cannot  wonder  that  1  cry  for  a  Perambulator- Tax,  and  the  heavier 
it  be  laid  on  the  lighter  will  my  heart  and  spirits  be  in  future.  Indeed, 
were  this  not  so  blessedly  free  a  country,  I  should  rejoice  to  see  it 
made  penal  to  use  a  perambulator  after  eight  o'clock  A.M.,  and  I  would 
dig  the  deepest  dungeons  for  the  punishment  of  those  who  dared  to 
disobey  this  salutary  law. 

"  Sir,  these  vehicles  of  misery  have  too  long  stopped  the  way,  and 
every  friend  to  progress  must  wish  for  their  removal.  For  safety  sake 
their  wheels  must  now  be  brought  to  'wo;'  the  nation's  weal  impera- 
tively, as  I  think,  demands  it.  As  being  the  Redresser-General  of 
Grievances,  it  is  to  Punch  the  nation  looks  for  measures  of  relief.  An 
Act  to  impose  a  Perambulator-Tax,  if  endorsed  with  your  approval, 
might  instantly  be  passed,  and  would  be  an  act  of  mercy  to  innumer- 
able myriads  of  my  afflicted  fellow-countrymen,  as  well  as,  Sir,  to 

"  Yours,  without  gout,  A  TOE-MAKTYK." 


FASHIONABLE  INTELLIGENCE.— The  Ducks  have  arrived,  for  the 
Season,  in  St.  James's  Park. 


AUGUST  22,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


81 


THE    HONEYMOON. 

Mary.  "  Charles,  dear  ;  now  we  are  Married,  yon  know,  we  ihottld  have  no  Secrett.    So  do,  like  a  Love,  hand  me  the  Bottle  of  Hair  Dye; 

you  Ml  find  it  in  my  Dressing-Case." 


PUNCH'S  LITTLE  POLICE  COURT. 

JUMPING  ON  A  TUAIN  IN  MOTION.— A  smart  little  boy,  called 
.IOMNNY  JONES,  not  more  than  niue  years  of  age,  was  brought  up 
before  Mr.  Punch  for  jumping  ou  a  Train  whilst  in  motion.  A  lady, 
whose  name,  from  a  feeling  of  gallantry,  we  suppress,  said  that  whilst 
walking  down  Regent  Street  yesterday,  she  felt  a  heavy  pressure  on 
her  dress  behind.  On  looking  round,  she  saw  the  defendant  standing 
on  her  train.  The  jerk  had  been  so  sudden,  the  blow  so  violent,  that 
her  dress  had  nearly  been  wrenched  off  her  back.  As  it  was,  it  was 
completely  pulled  out  of  more  than  one-half  the  gathers  round  the 
waist.  She  considered  the  dress,  which  was  a  love  of  a  Barege,  only 
of  this  last  year's  Spring  Fashions,  was  completely  spoilt.  Sue  esti- 
mated the  damage  done  at  not  less  than  £3  15*. 

JOHNNY  JONES,  upon  being  asked  what  he  had  to  say,  declared  as 
how  he  couldn't  help  it.  It  warn't  no  fault  of  his'n  if  ladies  would 
take  to  wearing  their  toggery  so  long  as  they  did.  Why,  this  'ere  un 
was  at  least  two  yards  long,  a-dragging  ever  so  far  behind  the  Lady. 
He  was  very  sorry— that  he  was— but  bless  his  lucky,  if  he  could 
help  it.  He  never  saw  the  Train  till  he  was  right  apon  it. 

Mr.  Punch  said  this  was  evidently  an  accident.  Such  accidents 
would  not  occur,  if  ladies  would  not  wear  their  dresses  so  long.  If 
damage  was  done,  the  ladies  had  only  themselves  to  blame  for  it.  The 
damage  was  doubtlessly  very  annoying,  but  it,  might  easily  be  avoided 
by  the  dress  being  curtailed.  The  present  length  of  ladies'  dresses 
was,  to  say  the  least,  a  nuisance  carried  to  the  greatest  extreme.  It 
touched  on  the  very  borders  of  ridicule.  It  was  of  benefit  to  no  one, 
excepting,  perhaps,  the  crossing-sweepers,  whose  birch-brooms  it  cer- 
tainly saved  a  deal  of  muddy  labour ;  and  it  must  unquestionably  entail 
interminable  annoyance,  and  expence  without  end,  on  the  fair  creatures 
who  wore  them.  Of  the  breadth  of  ladies'  dresses,  he  would  not  at 
present  say  a  word ;  though  if  called  upon  to  adjudicate  between  the 
two  evils,  he  might  perhaps  venture  to  remark,  that  the  one  was  quite 
as  broad  as  the  other  was  long.  If  every  case  of  jumping  on  a  train 
whilst  in  motion  was  brought  before  a  Magistrate,  the  consequence 


would  be,  that  at  least  one  half  of  the  lovely  beings  who  were  in  the 
habit  of  attending  a  QUEEN'S  Drawing-room  would  have  to  appear  at 
the  bar  of  a  police-office  the  next  morning.  It  was  notorious  that  at 
Court  collisions  between  trains  occurred  every  other  minute,  and  the 
expence  that  resulted  from  such  accidents  was  doubtlessly  such  as  to 
cause  alarm  even  to  the  stoutest  purse,  but  those  cases  very  wisely 
were  never  brought  into  Court.  As  he  said  before,  the  remedy  was  in 
the  hands  of  the  ladies  themselves—  or  their  milliners'  hands — though, 
probably,  the  latter  might  object  to  the  cutting-down  of  the  dresses,  as 
it  migjit  have  the  effect  of  cutting  down  their  bills.  It  was  simply  a 
question  of  shear  comfort.  He  would  suggest  to  the  ladies,  therefore, 
the  judicious  use  of  the  pruning-scissors. 
The  case  was  dismissed. 


Mutability  of  Fashion. 

WE  think  we  cannot  better  prove  the  mutability  of  Fashion  than  by 
printing  the  two  following  interesting  facts.  They  have  the  further 
advantage,  also,  of  pioving  the  rapid  change  that  occasionally  takes 
place  in  young  ladies  tastes  : — 

1R40.  EMILY  refuses  ALBERT,  because  he  doesn't  wear  straps ! 
1S67.  EMILY  refuses  ALBERT,  because  he  does  wear  strap*! 


AN  EMPEROR'S  PRIVACY. 

THE  Visit  to  Osborne  was  a  private  one.  None  but  Policemen  were 
admitted.  Are  we  to  conclude,  therefore,  that  Louis  NAPOLEON'S 
Privacy  consists  generally  in  being  surrounded  by  some  forty  or  fifty 
Policemen  ? 

JOINT-STOCK  SOUP. 

A  YOUNG  Housewife  wishes  to  know  whether  the  conversion  of 
paid-up  shares  into  Stock  is  not  an  example  of  what  is  meant  by 
cooking  accounts. 


CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  22,  1857. 


"  LES  ADIEUX  D'OSBORNE." 

IT  is  said  that  the  EMPEROR  is  anxious  to 
have  a  painting  commemorating  his  visit  to 
Osborne,  aud  that  MR.  GUDIN  will  be  com- 
missioned to  paint  it.  We  think  a  capital  com- 
panion to  the  "  Adieitx  de  Fontainetileait"  might. 
be  made  out  of  the  subject.  We  would  have 
Louis  NAPOLEON  in  his  old  dress  of  a  special 
eouslable.  He  should  be  taking  an  affectionate 
farewell  of  his  faithful  Police.  On  one  side  there 
should  be  ihc  English  Police,  his  former  com- 
panions un  duty;  and.  on  the  other  side,  there 
sin  mill  be  grouped  pathetically  the  French  Police, 
who  accompanied  him  from  Trance.  PRINCE 
i  would  be  shown  in  the  background, 
(ucrciiine  wiili  emotion.  The  QUEEN  might  be 
ly  introduced  at  the  back,  waving  her 
ehidf  iVoni  the  balcony.  Not  only  might 
1  he  1'iH  lire,  with  such  strong  incidents,  be  made 
most  Hl'.riive.  but  il.  would  also  contain  elements 
of  truth,  which  historical  pictures  do  not  always 
possess.  The  two  sorts  of  veteran  Police, 
admitting  of  a  great  variety  of  costume,  would 
form  a  most  admirable  group.  An  dAmumahard 
in  tears  would  tell  capitally.  The  title,  of 
course,  must  be  LES  ADIEUX  j>'Osr,oiixE.  On 
the  top  of  the  picture  might  be  delicately 
inscribed,  "Strictly  Private."  It  would  help 
the  story. 


The  Extremely  Rqmltcns'Me  Conduct  of  those  tv:o  PodgUnsons,  as  (lay  Wall-ed  to  Church 
with  their  Papa,  Mamma,  and  Sitters,  the  very  first  Sunday  last  Holidays. 


Rival  to  Joe  Miller. 

BEENAL  OSBORNE'S  jevx-d'esprits,  jokes, 
conundrums,  epigrams,  sarcasms,  paradoxes, 
coqs-a-Vciiiex,  personalities,  &e.  &c.,  are  to  be  col- 
lected together,  and  published  shortly,  in  19  vols., 
under  the  title  of:—"  The  Sernal  Collection." 


THE    ZUB-ATLANTIC    TELEGRAPH-A    SOUTH-WESTERN    ECLOGUE. 


"TELL  us,  BILL,  if  thce  hist  able, 

See  "n  as  how  I  can 't  make  out, 
This  here  Zub-Atlantic  Cable 

As  they  calls  ut,  what  about  ?  " 
"  Thee  dost  know  I  hain't  no  scollard, 

PETER,  that  thee  know'st  full  well ; 
Ziunce  never  havun  foller'd, 

Little  'tis  as  I  can  tell." 

"  TeU  that,  there,  for  thee  bist  clever 

At  explainun  things  off-hand, 
And  'twill  be  as  much  as  ever 

I  be  like  to  understand." 
"  Well ;  to  give  thee  sich  a  notion 

As  I  feels  I  'm  aqual  to — 
Under  the  Atlantic  Ocean 

This  here  cable  is  to  goo." 

"  By  the  Ocean,  as  I  takes  ut, 

Neighbour,  thee  dost  mane  the  Say, 
Tell  us,  now,  how  fur  you  makes  ut 

This  here  Cable  vor  to  lay  ?  " 
"  At  a  moderate  caleilation 

'Tween  two  thousand  mile  and  dree, 
Bringun  in  communication 

Ireland  and  Amerikey." 

"What  a  stretcher!    What's  ut  made 
on? 

Tell  us  what  ut's  vor,  I  pray, 
Lmlcr  water  beuu'  laid  on 

All  that  there  termendious  way  ?  " 


"  This  here  Cable  of  the  Ocean 
Is  described,  by  them  who  've  sin, 

Gutter  percher,  outer  potion, 
Over  'lectric  wires  within." 

"  Ah !  what,  wires  like  them  inventions 

As  do  carry,  in  a  crack, 
Any  messidges  you  mentions 

Down  from  Lunnon  here  and  back  ?  " 
"  Eos,  and  by  the  zame  assistance, 

True  as  now  I  talks  to  thee, 
Words  ool  vly,  all  that  there  distance, 

'Tween  Ameriker  and  we." 

"  Truer  Vords  was  never  spoken 

Than  that  wonders  hain't  to  cease. 
BILL,  my  boy,  I  sees  a  token 

In  that  precious  link,  of  peace." 
"1  should  think  so;  peace 'tween  brothers, 

Who  aloan  is  Vreedom's  hope ; 
Whilst  thee  zee'st  all  them  there  others' 

Servun'  Tyrants  and  the  Poap." 

"Well;  they  zinks  this  Cable,  don't 
em, 

Down  away  there  in  the  deep  ? 
But  the  waves  ool  stir  'un,  won't  em, 

When  the  storms  above  'un  sweep  ?  " 
"  Ah  !  the  storms  all  sweeps  above  'un, 

When  the  winds  arise  and  blow ; 
But  the  waves  wuu't  never  move  'un, 

They  be  si  ill  as  death  below." 


"  Well ;  in  course  I  zee  that  toilers, 

But,  about  the  holes,  old  chap  ? 
When  a  draps  down  in  the  hollers, 

Dash  my  buttons !  won't  a  snap  ? 
"  Naw ;  cause  underneath  the  biller 

What  they  calls  a  reef  ixtends, 
Makuu'  vor  'un  one  long  piller 

All  the  way  between  his  ends." 

"  Natur  's  got  some  strange  things  in  her, 

There  a  Providence  I  zee  ; 
Though  I  knows  as  I  'm  a  sinner, 

Which  I  will  confess  to  thee." 
"  PMER,  in  thy  observation 

I  agrees  ;  ut  makes  us  think 
Arter  all  this  conversation, 

Let  us  ha'  'a  drap  o'  drink." 

"  BILL,  I  likes  that  there  suggestion; 

By  the  vorce  on't  1  be  struck; 
In  regard  to  that  there  question 

Now  suppose  we  drinks  good  luck." 
"Hoy!  Hallo!— zum beer,  young 'ooman — 

Quart  a-piece — we  can't  ha'  less. 
Bring  us  zum  o'  your  uncommon : 

'Lantic  Telegraph's  success !  " 

[Wo  deeply  regret  that  our  bucolic  contributor  should 
have  put  Iris  enthusiasm  into  the  above  beautiful  poem 
bi:fnro  leading  the  latest  news  from  Valentia.  MB. 
l'i:i  i.r.'s  inquiry,  "  Wuu't  it  snap?  "  is,  however,  a  -very 
sensible  one,  and  ME.  Bn.i.  should  have  replied,  "In 
coorse."  Hut  the  admirable  anti-temperance  senti- 
ments at  the  close,  no  less  than  the  general  merit  of  the 
poem,  forbid  our  sacrificing  it. — ED.J 


KOTE   ON   COLOURS. 


ULTRAMARIXK  is  the  name  given  to  an  intense  blue.  Ultramontane 
may  be  suggested  as  an  analogous  expression  which  might  be  applied 
to  violent  scarlet. 


SIGH   OF   THE   SPORTING  MEMBER. 


THE  Sporting  Member,  nailed  to  the  Treasury  benches,  and  dreaming 
of  the  grouse-dotted  Moors,  hums  plaintively  to  himself,  "  How  happy 
could  1  be  with  Heather  !  " 


"VERY  HARD  LINES."— Reading  SrailsAaie't  in  a  hurry  under  aj     UNPRECEDENTED  TRADE  ANNOUNCEMENT.— The  Pig-Market  was 
gas-lamp  on  a  very  windy  night  in  the  street !  i  quiet. 


AuousT  29,  1857.] 


PUNCH,    Oil  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

UGUST  17.  Monday.  LORD 
CAMPBELL  pictured  MH. 
Vi.i.i  .  •.  i:,  toe  founder  of 
Dulwich  College,  "starl- 
ing from  liis  grave,"  and 
signifying  liis  approval  of 
tin:  Dulwich  College  Mill, 
as  framed  by  the  Lords. 
So  solemn  an  image  of 
course  convinced  the 
Peers  that  they  ought  to 
disagree,  with  the  Com- 
mi  ns'  amendment*,  and 
thcy.'did.  The  question  is, 
who  shall  be  the  governing 
body— the  Commons'  plan 
tending  to  parochialism. 
The  proposal  to  admit  a 
few  children  of  Actors  to 
the  benefits  of  the  charity 
founded  by  an  actor  who 
made  his  fortune  on  the 
stage,  has  been  entirely 
rejected  with  the  loftv  con- 
tempt characteristic  of 
Respectability,  Later  in 
the  week  the  Commons 
resolved  to  stand  by  their 
amendments,  and  ME. 
KNIGHT  roundly  abused  all  the  Dulwich  fellows  as  robbers,  and  the 
bill  as  "a  compromise,  with  the  Devil." 

The  Commons  beg^au  again  at  Divorce,  and  gentlemen  amused  them- 
selves all  the  morning  by  conceiving  every  variety  of  scandal,  and 
setting  each  case  before  poor  Sm  RICHARD  BETIIEI.L,  to  know  what 
he  would  do  with  it.  The  debate  would  furnish  a  variety  of  invaluable 
hints  to  French  novelists  and  their  English  imitators.  The  same 
remark  applies  to  the  nocturnal  sitting  at  which,  moreover,  by  a  very 
large  majority,  was  rejected  a  reasonable  proviso,  inserted  by  the  Lords, 
thai  eases  where  the  details  were  offensive  to  public  decency  might  be 
heard  in  private. 

Here  let  llr.  Punch  interpolate  a  word  to  his  contemporary,  the 
•  •/  ft'/ar,  with  certain  of  whose  doctrines  he  is  in  the  habit 
of  cordially  disagreeing,  and  whose  Peace-Idols  he  has  had  fre- 
quent occasion  to  smash.  There  can  be  no  question,  therefore,  of 
Mr.  Punch's  sincerity,  or  of  his  lofty  and  supern  chivalrous  courtesy, 
when  he  raises  his  hat,  as  he  now  begs  to  do,  to  the  Star,  in  token  of 
recognition  that  the  journal  in  question,  on  occasion  of  a  recent  and 
most  disgusting  trial,  came  forth,  alone  of  all  the  daily  press,  divested 
of  a  report  which  made  all  the  other  newspapers  unfit  to  be  kid  upon 
the  table  at  which  Judy  presides,  and  her  daughters  assemble.  Sapiens 
doiainabitur  Astro,  by  which  we  mean  that  every  sensible  editor  ought 
to  take  example  from  the  Star. 

The  only  other  noticeable  things  in  the  Commons  were,  first,  that 
Mil.  YERXON  SMITH,  under  cover  of  the  battle-smoke,  skulks  from 
bringinijJorward  an  Indian  budget  this  year.  He  may  go,  foi  it  would 
evident  ly*rtj|KU}rexisting  circumstances,  a  mockery.  Secondly,  that 
some,  rantirapr  iqiMlhap  about  a  man's  house  being  his  castle  was 
Btpposition  to  a  useful  bill  for  preventing  the 
ovcrcrjMfcgof  U^VRlings  of  the  poor — a  bill  for  which  it  is  stated 
that  tin  desirous.  MR.  AYBTON,  who,  though  too  gar- 

rulous, has  sw»c  brains,  (at  least,  for  a  Metropolitan  Member)  talked 
this  rubbish.  A  man's  house  may  be  his  castle,  but  if  he  makes  his 
mo:d  a  nuisance,  it  is  all  our  eye  to  say  we  must  not  take  that  mote 
out  of  our  r 

Tuesday.  TheTworld  was  delighted  with  the  prospect  of  a  row 
between  the  two  most  amiable  men  in  it,  SUGBEN  and  BETHELL,  the 
latter  of  whom  had  indulged  in  some  caustic  sarcasm  at  the  expense  of 
a  bill  for  protecting  honest  Trustees,  which  the  former  had  prepared 
wit  h  much  care.  SAINT  L.  expressed  his  opinion  of  SIB  R.,  and  of  his 
"  confidence,"  (Parliamentary  for  impudence)  to-night,  and  the  retort 
was  expected  at  the  earliest  convenient  opportunity. 

LORD  GKANVILLB  intimated  to  some  grumbling  Peers  that  they 
would  have  to  sit  until  the  Commons  had  done  with  the  Divorce  Bill, 
and  then  to  take  the  amendments  into  consideration,  as  Government 
meant  to  pass  the  measure.  There  is  really  dreadful  difficulty  in  getting 
legislators,  born  or  elected,  to  attend  to  their  business.  They  will  be 
clamouring  for  an  Early  Closing  Movement  next,  and  placarding  the 
walls  with,  "  Please  make  your  Speeches  before  7  o'clock." 

The  Commons  on  Divorce.  The  clergy  gained  half  a  victory,  carrying 
a  proviso  that  they  need  not,  unless  they  like,  read  the  Marriage 
Service  over  any  person  who  shall  have  been  divorced  for  his  or  her 
offence.  They  desired  to  refuse  marriage  altogether  to  the  guilty  party, 


but  the  lay  mind  saw  impolicy  and  cruelty  in  this  priestly  demand,  :md 
would  make  only  the  cunerssion  above  mentioned.  As  there  is  a 
Registrar  in  every  district,  whose  certificate  is  exactly  as  good  as  that 
given  by  the  smirking  parish  clerk  in  the  vestry,  and  pent  rally  much 
mure  neatly  written,  the  pnielieal  result  of  the'  alteration  is  infini- 
tesimal. It  is  more  pleasant  to  note  that  elan-e  51,  abolishing  the 
Husband's  Action  tor  Damages,  was  carried  by  ?S  to  411.  li  is,  how- 
proposed  to  reserve  a  power  to  inflict  pecuniary  penalty  in 

The  Crowded  DwelliiiL's  Kill  came  on  again,  and  more  clap-trip  «as 
talked.    Ma.  P.  O'Baw  gave  M  u.  Ai  KTON  a  very  smart  rebate  for 
his  dogmatic  loquacity,  and  "Ci>\  the  attorney"  i:nk 
ferable  nonsense  about    LORD   PALMERSTOH,   who,  Cox  said,   "wanted 
to  play  WAT  TVI.KK  wiih  the  people  of  l.ngland,  but  thai  they  would 
be  able  to  find  persons  to  play  the  i  \ranl  against   him."     If  one  could 
suspect  an   attorney   of  what    Mu.   M.VCAM.AY  calls  the   "generous 
vice,"  one  would  think  Cox  must  have   been  at   the  Claret,  !>•, 
natural  history  negatives  such  a  presumption,  we  must  find  another 
method  of  accounting  for  his  folly,  and  this  is  it : — 

"The  pert  BILLY  Cox, 

He  is  not  an  Ox, 
Though  you  mayn't  think  him  greatly  above  it ; 

But  allow  him  his  fling, 

As  the  next  mentioned  thing 
The  commandment  forbids  us  to  covet." 

ir?<hii-st!:tii.  The  Impure  Books  Bill  advanced, and  the  Committee  on 
the  Divorce  Bill  finished  its  labours.  SIB  R.  BKTHKI.I,,  taking  into 

consideration  that,  a  Church  belongs  in  si •  measure  to  the  parishioners, 

and  is  not,  quite  the  parson's  private  apartment,  introduced  a  clause 
enacting  t  hat.  if  one  Clem  man  did  not  choose  to  marry  Divorced  people, 
another  might  be  brouglit  into  the  recalcitrant's  Church  to  do  it,  and 
this  was  carried  by  73  to  33. 

Thursday.  It  was  explained  to  LORD  SHAFTESBrmy  that  the  opinion 
of  the  law  officers  of  the  Crown,  on  the  Opium  question,  was,  that  (lie 
East  India  Company  had  a  right  to  grow  it,  and  to  send,  it  to  China, 
but  perhaps  they  had  better  not.  LORD  REDESDALE  solemnly  pledged 
himself  to  oppose  the  Divorce  Bill  when  it  should  come  up  from  the 
Commons. 

In  the  last  mentioned  place  the  last  mentioned  bill  received  some 
amendments,  chiefly  affecting  the  property  of  married  women,  and 
LORD  PAI.MERSTON  made  rather  a  spirited  speech  upon  the  national 
defences,  which  he  considered  would  be  quite  satisfactory,  provided 
our  big  ships  were  not  sent  away.  The  clamour  against  the  Crowded 
Dwellings  Bill,  and  the  evident  intention  of  its  opponents  to  defeat  it 
by  delay,  induced  MR.  COWPEK  to  withdraw  it  for  the  present,  which 
he  did,  with  contemptuous  observations  on  the  character  of  the 
opposition. 

Friday.  Punch  is  happy  to  say  that  liis  friend  LORD  CAMPBELL'S  Bill 
against  bad  books  passed  the  Commons  in  a  state  which  was  satis- 
factory to  its  parent,  who  professed  his  delight.  LORD  MONTEAGLE 
took  an  opportunity  of  praising  the  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER 
most  highly,  and  of  declaring  that  our  financial  policy  was  opposed  to 
all  common  sense.  LORD  RKDESDALE  withdrew  his  solemn  pledge  to 
oppose  the  Divorce  Bill,  but  professed  himself  in  a  dreadful  rage  at 
the  way  the  screw  had  been  put  on  by  the  Government. 

LORD  PALMERSTON,  in  answer  to  WISCOUNT  VILLIAMS,  (we  vary  the 
spelling  in  compliance  with  a  requisition  from  some  of  his  lordship's 
vassals,)  stated  that  no  application  had  been  made  by  France  for  ex- 
tradition of  refugees,  and  if  it  had,  we  had  no  power  to  hand  them 
over. 

Mr.  Punch'  cannot  more  pleasantly  conclude  his  week's  resumf  than 
by  announcing  that,  amid  loud  cheers,  the  Divorce  Bill  passed  the 
British  Commons. 


Superstition. 

A  WORTHY  friend  of  ours,  but  who  is  imbued  with  verv  strong  pre- 
judices against  the  Irish,  says  that  the  failure  of  the  Atlantic  Telegraph 
Cable  may  be  entirely  attributed  to  the  fact  of  its  having  started  from 
Ireland.  He  alludes  to  the  well-known  habit  of  improvidence  among 
the  Irish,  and  asks  the  Directors,  how,  with  the  system  of  "paying 
out"  that  is  generally  pursued  in  Ireland,  they  ever  could  expect  to 
make  both  ends  meet  f 

AN   OLD  SAW  HEW  SET. 

WE  venture  a  new  translation  of  "  De  mortuis  nil  nisi  bonttm  ;  "  "  Let 
us  have  no  monument  of  the  dead  but  a  good  "un."  At  present  we 
seem  capable  of  anything  but  a  good  'un. 


RIGHT  I'OR  ONCE.— MR.  VERNON  SMITH  produces  no  Indian  Budget 
this  year.  He  is  right.  We  want  to  hear  of  only  one  Indian  Budget— 
the  Sack  of  Delhi. 


VOL.  \x\m. 


i 


84 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  29,  1857. 


J 


Dustman.  "  I  don't  quite  like  (lie  looks  o'  this  ere  Hingia  bisnis,  Tommy." 
Sweep.  "  No  ;  lut  it's  jist  wot  yer  might  expeck  from  sick  a  parcel  o'  dirty  Hack  hignorant 
scoundrels  as  them," 


ANOTHER  NINE  THOUSAND. 

SUPPOSING  the  Divorce  Bill  had  taken  several 
months  to  discuss,  and  ME.  GLADSTONE'S  pro- 
lific powers  of  verbosity  had  given  strong 
hopes  for  such  a  possibility,  it  was  the  in- 
tention, as  we  are  informed,  of  at  least  NINE 
THOUSAND  STBONG-MINDED  MOTHEKS-IN-LAW, 
to  have  signed  a  Petition,  indignantly  protesting, 
in  tlie  very  strongest  language,  against  the 
iniquity  of  the  measure.  Those  amiable  ladies 
are  terribly  alarmed  that  the  new  law  will  have 
the  effect  of  materially  weakening  their  power, 
besides  sensibly  diminishing  the  amount  of 
prestige  that  has  hitherto  been  so  beneficially 
associated  with  the  exercise  of  their  authority. 
"  What  husband  will  tremble  now,  (they  ask) 
when  his  injured  wife  threatens  to  go  home  to 
her  Mftnuna P"  Is  there  a  man  who  is  likely 
to  quake  when  he  hears  the  knock  of  the 
mother-in-law,  knowing  but  too  well  tliat  she 
has  come  to  throw  the  shield  of  her  sainted  pro- 
tection over  her  persecuted  daughter  ?  "  No  (is 
the  ladies'  answer  to  this  question),  the  wretches 
will  snap  their  fingers  at  us.  Depend  upon  it, 
they  will  no  longer  submit  to  our  interference, 
for  the  brutes  are  cunning  enough  to  know  that 
they  have  the  remedy  now  in  their  own  hands." 

We  hope  these  fears  are  unfounded,  though, 
on  the  other  hand,  we  have  heard  since  the 
Divorce  _  Law  has  passed,  of  several  cases  of  a 
most  painful  character,  in  which  the  husbands, 
defying  all  control,  have  risen,  and  shown  their 
mother-in-laws  the  door,  sternly  forbidding 
them  ever  to  enter  the  house  again.  One 
melancholy  instance  has  come  under  our 
immediate  knowledge,  in  which  the  knocker 
was  tied  up  with  a  white  glove,  and  the  mother- 
in-law  was  actually  refused  admission  ! 


RAGGED    SCHOOLS    FOR    SERVANTS. 

THE  following  copy  of  a  hand-bill  is  recommended  to  the  notice  of 
both  mistresses  of  families  and  their  servants : — 


THE 

TOMOBOHOBOLOBALER  RAG  WAREHOUSE, 
J5Ki)0IrSaIe  ants  Bctafl, 

],  PRINCES  TERRACE,  KEPPEL  STREET, 
Four  Doors  from  the  "Admiral  Keppel." 


R.  BEECROFT  &  Co. 

Beg  to  inform  the  Inhabitants  of  Brompton  and  its  Vicinity  they  still 
give  those  extraordinary  prices  for 

Kitchen  Stuff,  Dripping,  Bones,  Bottles, 
Wardrobes,  &c., 

At  enable  many  of  the  Oomntic  SEX74NTS  TO  RETIRE  AXD  LIVE 
JNUBPSlfDENT,  having  dealings  with  the  largest  Bone  Crushers  and 
Paper  Mills  in  the  Kingdom. 
The  Murket  Price  for  all  kinds  of  Eags,  Metals,  Bottles,  &e. 

HOUSE  CLEARING3~AND  AKY~  OLD  'LUMBER  BOUGHT. 
BE   VERY    PARTICULAR    IN    THE   ADDRESS. 


Lest,  with  a  view  to  being  enabled  to  "retire  and  live  independent  " 
domestic  servants  should  be  induced  to  avail  themselves,  at  tlie 
expense  of  their  employers,  of  the  advantages  held  out  to  them  in  the 
Agoing  announcement,  we  would  advise  them  to  reflect  on  the 
unpleasant  consequences  which  the  commission  of  that  slight  mistake 
owing,  apparently  to  the  perusal  of  a  similar  notification,  entailed  on 
a  young  woman  who  bewails  her  fate  in  the  following 

LAMENT  OF  A  MAID  IN  PRISON. 
To  think  what  I  am  come  to  from  a  comfortable  place ! 
Here  I  ham  a  pickm  hocum,  brought  to  trouble  and  disgrace; 
And  allowanced  to  bare  witt  es,  that  had  meat  with  hevery  meal, 
dlalong  of  bein'  tempted  in  a  hevil  'our  to  steal 


Drat  that  there  Rag  and  Bone  warus ! — if  I  'd  never  sin  their  bill, 

I  might  have  kcp  in  service  and  have  lived  in  plenty  still, 

If  I  to  their  persuasions  hadn't  never  lent  my  mind, 

And  ne'er  know'd  what  hard  labour  was,  which  now,  a  Lass,  I  find. 

I  first  begun  with  Kitching  Stuff  disposin'  on  the  sly, 

And  then  I  sold  the  Drippin'  which  1  ort  to  have  put  by ; 

To  melt  it  down  for  gravy  when  I  had  a  jint  to  roast, 

Not  content  witli  spreadin'  butter  upon  both  sides  of  my  toast. 

Bones  also  I  got  rid  of,  which  for  stock  I  should  have  saved, 
Which  I  repents  of  when  I  thinks  how  fool-like  I  be-aved : 
Then  bottles  to  the  wine-merchant's  that  back  was  to  have  gone, 
And  so  to  towels,  napkins,  and  sich-like,  I  soon  got  on. 

'Twas  very  stoopid  on  me — that  much  I  will  confess. 

And  next  I  took  to  priggin'  and  to  sellin'  bits  of  dress. 

One  thing  leads  to  another,  and  one  don't  know  where  one  stops, 

When  oae  begins  to  steal  things  for  to  sell  to  them  there  shops. 

At  last,  ill-luck  would  have  it,  by  chance,  as  I  may  say, 
Some  spoons  and  forks  was  missin',  and  our  Missus  in  a  way ; 
The  servants  all  denied  it,  both  the  others  and  me  too, 
And  sore  we  wasn't  capable  sieh  wickedness  to  do. 

But  Missus  wouldn't  listen  to  a  word ;  and  did  insist, 
And  would  have  a  Policeman  in  to  search  for  what  was  mist : 
He  goes  into  our  bed-rooms,  and  everythink  unlocks  : 
Lo  and  be-old  you !  there  they  was  sincreted  in  my  box. 

So  them  dishonest  courses  by  degrees  as  I  pursued, 

Has  led  me  from  good  service  to  penal  servitude. 

Take  warnin'  all  you  maid-servants  that  hears  my  cries  and  groans, 

And  don't  you  steal  to  sell  at  shops  that  deals  in  Rags  and  Bones. 


Elaborate  Folly. 

AN  acquaintance  of  ours,  one  of  those  precious  clever  fellows  who 
always  find  everything  out  after  they  have  been  told  it,  says  that  the 
very  names  of  the  Atlantic  Telegraph  squadron  presaged  failure.  rpK" 

Clido**9  Intrfo/^    tlm±  fl»/i  A't»nn4- r**,?.  .»*._»    1,«1F    Uir_J      AU«      ,/ _ _«^. „_. 

they" 


_   j    mini.  ..-  vii.  innj  ^A.itjLcuibLt>  AGicgiupu.  ai|Ucturuii  urcsagcu   lauun'.      llie 

Cyclops  hinted  that  the  directors  were  half  blind,  the  Agamemnon  that 
'  had  estimated  by  Troy  weight,  instead  of  taking  care  avoir  due 


uuvy  11  m  OBBWUBUVU  uj<  JLIUJ  vvci^ni,  uuHNui  ui  ttuaiig  care  avoir  uue 
Poise,  and  the  Niagara,  that  there  would  be  a  Great  Fall.  He  is  an 
idiot. 


AUGUST  29,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  TIIELOXDON  CHARIVARI 


COUNTERPART  TO  CRINOLINE 


adoptionof  those  a&dabsurfe!rOWSerS>t°  CMUre  the  general 


ns,  and  tumble  uu»  11. 

incompleteness  of  the anllo^  of  thT  i™*  "S""1  {°  Weatller' 
e  costume  may  not  make :  i ;  ™&.nl™, ti lmVTOV™  m^  attire  to 
8ed  u  to  be  brouglTt  into  keenin  °  ^/,,hetlFresent  H  wiU  be  so 
modification  of  the  1  at  will  be^wo  folH  vfft  ?*  tr?USers' 

S  If  bv  tf^Ml^jft^"  *  H" 

^s  oWt  sirJLafe  artSi*3?"* 

the   nresent  hat  except  a!  to  £  TSS!1*^^™!*^ 
of 


A  HOSPITAL  FOR  MANGLED  ENGLISH. 
I  sma&t  bnHSlft SS  S^&uW tfc6  PaPCTS-  'II  »  but  a 

'sJfeH^^^?^^^&^ 


HERE 


physicians  to  the  Royal  Pivo 
•v,:ni-nf,:l,,<r.*;~.  -mdcr  hit  care 
Ac." 


to  send  him 


,  that  we  should  feel 


SnsHESSeswSSSSI 


a  noble  art 


VEEV  NATURAL. 

"  " 


iifTures,  and  at  the 
inconvenient.    But  so  I 


FOOTMAN'S    FINERY. 


JEKKINS,  after  a  long  absence, 
has  returned  to  the  Morning 
Post    in  the  character  ot    a 
writer  of  "Letters  on  Cosf 
tume"  under  the  signature  of 
•'  MAKICA."    In  one  of  these, 
true   to  his   order,   JENKI>S 
defends  the  jackanapes    cos- 
fume  of  the  last  century,  to- 
gether with  the  use  of  hair 
powder.    He    greatly    extols 
the  cumbrous  head-dress  and 
embarrassing  petticoats  which 
constituted  the  female .  attirt 
nf  thp  neriod,  as  serving  to 
dltin'msh  ladies  of  quality 
from  their  servants.  MR.  J  EN- 
KINS  says : — 


R 

vulgar,  to  say  that  every  Bill  is  a  Bob. 


THE  LAY  OF  THE  SEA-SIDE  B*G. 

T  ,M  a  B*g—  a  sea-side  B*g,    ! 
When  folks  in  bed  are  lying  snug 
A.  bout  their  skin  I  crawl  and  creep, 

while  they  sleep, 


in  a  dress  that  at  or. p6  m?.'°",  ™, ' h, 
"  a  precious  diamond ;  and  sucl 


'  -  -     T    n  ury  a,  convenient  inventions,  savin, 

I^S^"^^  OKA*  to  that  mansion  in  Town  whict, 
they  have  left  him  in  charge  of. 

CONSTEENATION  IN  THE  GKEEN  ROOM. 


half  of  the  audience  out. 


with  these 


y  DUKCOMBB... 


—-r 

This  deputation,  consisting  of  3.K.  BUCKSTONE  Ji  ^V~.J,    heaving  under  precisely  similar 
WEBSTER,  EMDES  and  ROMOK,  whose  breasts  ^re  apparently  paving  i^  lred 

fears.    The  interview  lasted  a  good  k»»r.    lw  j^cmar  if  not  convivial,  nature,  inasmuch 


Corrupt  Practices. 


I  have  at  my  command 

The  fat  of  all  the  land  ; 
An  Alderman  sometimes  I  bite, 
For  weeks  together,  every  night, 
Then,oh!  then  I'm  m  good  luck; 

Essence  of  turtle-soup  1  BUCK, 
With  extract  of  full  many  a  haunch, 
That  oft  has  lined  his  worsh.p's  paunch. 
And  goodness  of  a  sea  oi  gravj, 
Bie  enough  to  float  a  navy. 
Hither  a  Hector  sometimes  comes, 
Leaving  his  Curate  m  the  slums, 
When  he's  buried  in  repose, 
I  fix  upon  the  Parson  s  nose, 
OhVw  delightful!  oh  how  jolly! 


description. 


Tor  are  not  allowed  to  purchase  a  seat  in 

bribery,  or  corruption,  in  any  way,  to  obtain  one.  We  hope  the  keeper 

vonr  seat  in  the  dress-circle  of  a  theatre  by  -nvrng  VfW  managers  ought  to  be  ashame 
be  done  away  with.    It  is  an  underhand  bit  ^^f^S^A  under  pain 

B  t^tune  ff  «  JWM* 


TOO  mUCll  i  Ul  u  J.  "*         -       r    - 

From  the  red  sonorous  trunk, 
Then  I  tumble  down  dead-drunk, 
With  a  headache  to  awaken. 

Maidens  are  my  choicest  treat ; 
Pretty  girls  are  very  sweet. 
On  those  tender  lids  that  vel 
Their  bright  eyes,  I  ott  regale. 
Eye-lids,  tasted  by  my  lips, 
-Rves  of  light  next  morn  eclipse ; 
On  their  eleeks  and  in  their  dimples 
Tin  T  leave  my  mark  in  pimples, 
Flowers  of  Beauty  look  right  funny, 
Whin  the  B.  has  sipped  their  honey. 
But,  at  times,  I  do,  1  own 
Wish  I  had  left  the  girls  alone  ; 
Washes  used  for  the  complexion 
Having  poisoned  my  retection 
On  their  medicated  features : 
Charmbg  but  pernicious  creatures  ! 

A  rich  old  lady  will  with  me, 
Occasionally  disagree 
And  so  will  an  unwholesome  fellow, 
Whose  hide  is  stained  with  bilious  yell 
A  babe  affords  me  pleasant  diet 
When  it  will  let  me  feed  m  quiet ; 
I  revel,  in  the  hour  ot  rest, 

Upon  the  flesh  of  every  sleeper, 
But  one-and  her  1  ne'er  molest, 

By  her  I  mean  my  own  housekeeper 
Against  me  whilst  she  makes  no  stir, 
I  '11  never  interfere  with  her  I 
' 

Medical  Reform. 

WE  observe  that ,  MR.  Own*  is  to  l>r 

atiou  of  COWPER'S  Task. 

CONSERVE   (NOT)   OF  ROSES. 

THE  Thames  Conservancy  Bill  vcste 
nf  the  river  in  a  new  Board,     vve 
ItLondon  will  be  better  satisfied 
Thames  Board,  than  it  is   with   i 
bed. 


\ 


WILLING    H 


IVARI.— ACOUST  29,  1857. 


£*';••          •  '•  • 

RV     ".'  ,-„>!     -,,..;   •••  ...    ','  .I    .: 


S    FOR    INDIA. 


AUGUST  29,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


COCKNEY  FASHIONS  TOR  THE  MOORS. 

Sinks.   "  Cafital  Costume  for  the  'Ighlands  in  'Ot   Weather;  mil  look  just  like 
a  Plaid  at  a  little  distance.    Thank  the  Oak  for  the  'int." 


RUFFIANLY  ASSAULT  ON  A  CLERGYMAI 

THE  columns  of  a  contemporary  contain  the  follow 
cool  statement  of  a  ferocious  outrage : — 

"  SALE  or  in  ADVOWSON— Yesterday,  at  the  Auction  1 
Mimss.  NOBTOK,  HOOOIRT,  and  TRIKT.  offerer!  to  Public  Auc 
the  advowion  of  the  rectory  of  Cold  Hlgham,  Northampton; 
with  a  glebe  farm  of  '.'60  acres  in  lieu  of  tithes,  of  the  annual  • 
of  £900,  irrcsiMx-tivo  nf  hmiw  and  uanlfli.-.  The  ago  of  the  in 
beat,  66.  Knocked  down  at  £3000." 

The  idea  of  knocking  down  a  man  of  66  years  of 
and  that  a  clergyman,  cannot  be  contemplated  will 
indignation  and  disgust.  Imprisonment  should  await 
savage  assailant,  whoever  he  was,  and  whaltu-r  ma; 
his  rank  or  station.  No  fine  will  be  any  sensible  pui 
ment  for  the  bravo — if  we  may  apply  such  an  exprcs 
to  the  perpetrator  of  so  cowardly  a  deed — who  has  rece 
the  sum  of  £3000  as  the  hire  of  his  Imital  service  to 
rage  the  person  of  an  aged  minister.  Many  \cars,  1 
ever,  may  yet  be  added  to  the  life  of  the  rcvcn  ml  gc 
man,  and  we  hope  he  will  live  long  enough  i 
the  paity  that  has  speculated  on  his  decease— noU 
standing  that  he  has  been  knocked  down  in  so  barbarc 
manner. 


NEWS  FROM  THE  RIY1  K. 

THE  '  Directors  of  the  River  Thames  Steam-] 
respectfully  give  notice,  that  in  order  to  meet  the  w 
of  the  age,  and  to  remove  cause  for  the  bitter 
sarcastic  complaints  made  by  Old  Bachelors,  Widoi 
Men  with  Mothers-in-Law,  and  other  misogynists,  ag: 
the  incessant  matrimonial  suggestions  offered  by 
names  of  the  River  Steam-boats,  alterations  will  be  n 
next  season,  in  the  names  of  the  following  boats,  viz. : 


Bride, 
Bridetmaid, 
and  that  they  will  be  re-christened,  as  follows  : — 


Matrimony, 
Wedding  Ring, 
Bachelor, 


Spinster, 
Bascinet, 
Baby, 


Coquette, 

Nagger, 

Latch-key, 


Extravagance, 

Pout, 

Sulk, 


Mother-in-Lau 

Separation, 

Divorce. 


A  RESTING-PLACE  FOE  RICHARD  CffiTJR  DE  HON. 

BARON  MAROCHETTI'S  RICHARD  CffiUR  DE  LION  has  been  wandering 
about  town  ever  since  the  Great  Exhibition.  It  cannot  find  a  spot  on 
which  t  o  rest  its  aching  b9nes.  It  is  the  Wandering  Statue  of  London. 
At  one  time  it  took  up  its  stand  in  Palace  Yard,  raising  its  sw9rd 
valiantly  on  high,  as  though  it  were  going  to  slash  into  the  surrounding 
cabmen.  But  SIR  CHARLES  BARRY  drove  the  horse  and  its  royal 
master  very  quickly  away.  The  poor  beast  has  been  trotted,  we 
believe,  into  every  public  space  in  the  Metropolis,  and  trotted  out 
again.  It  must  know  every  stone  round  the  Houses  of  Parliament. 
If  it  was  only  paid  like  a  common  cab-horse,  at  the  rate  of  sixpence  a 
mile,  BARON  MAROCHETTI  would  have  a  large  sum  as  mileage  to 
receive.  Never  has  a  poor  horse  been  driven  so  recklessly  about  the 
streets  !  It  is  very  clear  mere  flesh  and  blood  could  never  have  stood 
it.  Lately,  the  proposition  has  been  raised  to  put  it  on  the  top  of  the 
Marble  Arch.  We  fancy  the  raising  will  be  limited  to  the  proposition. 
At  the  other  end  of  the  park,  there  is  already  a  monster  horse  outside 
an  arch.  That  one  is  quite  enough.  We  cannot  believe  that  the  public 
air  anxious  to  have  another  horse  riding  through  the  air.  London 
would  then  have,  like  Yorkshire,  its  East  and  West  Riding !  They 
may  try  to  put  him  up,  as  the  Duke  was  hoisted,  by  way  of  an  experi- 
ment, but  we  do  not  want  to  be  exposed  to  another  trial  like  that. 
We  know  that  statues,  like  the  price  of  bread,  when  once  they  get  up. 
are  exceedingly  slow  in  coming  down  ag^ain.  Poor  RICHARD  haa 
better  turn  his  horse's  head  in  the  direction  of  Burlington  House. 
There  is  a  large  courtyard  there,  in  the  centre  of  which  he  might  be 
allowed  to  stand,  though  the  mighty  sword  which  "  Richard,6 man  Roi!" 
is  brandishing,  might  oe  a  little  out  of  place  amongst  the  quiet  imple- 
ments of  science  bv  which  it  would  be  surrounded.  Or,  there  is  Buck- 
ingham Palace  F  In  that  quadrangle,  there  is  plenty  of  room  for  the 
Statue  to  stand  at  livery,  and  the  Prince  might  have  this  highly-chased 
work  of  art  perpetually  under  his  own  eye.  He  would  look  on  the  run- 
away pair  from  the  Great  Exhibition  with  eyes  of  affection — for  the 
PRI.VI  E,  should  rumour  for  once  speak  true,  is  rather  fond  of  riding  the 
high  horse  himself,  in  all  matters  relating  to  High  Art.  In  the  mean- 


time, will  no  one  find  standing-room  for  this  fugitive  king  P  Is  t 
no  spot,  no  royal  mews,  no  academic  stable  where  bis  over-driven  s 
can  DC  taken  in  to  [bait? 


THE  WOMEN  OF  ENGLAND  AND  THEIR  SLAVES. 

THAT  faithful  disciple  of  the  PROPHET,  MR.  LUTFULLAH,  it 
autobiography,  gives  the  English  people  a  splendid  character— 
the  following  sole  drawback  :— 

"  Their  obedience,  trust,  and  submission  to  the  female  MX  are  far  bcyor 
limit  of  moderation.  In  fact,  the  freedom  granted  to  womankind  in  this  co' 
in  great,  and  the  mischief  arising  from  this  unreasonable  toleration  is 
deplorable." 

We  quote  the  above  extract  because  we  are  sure  that  it  will  be 
with  emphasis  in  many  a  domestic  circle  by  the  head  of  the  family, 
master,  so  called,  of  the  establishment.  MR.  LUTFULLAH  saw  a 
deal  of  life  in  England,  and  he  may  perhaps,  have  got  among  a  so< 
of  scientific  and  literary  ladies.  One  would  like  to  have  been  pr< 
at  such  a  party,  and  to  have  heard  him  give  utterance  to  the  sentiir 
above  expressed.  The  consequence  would  have  been — what  He 
only  knows,  as  the  Speaker  said.  That  MR.  LTJTFULLAH  would 
caught  it  in  the  shape  of  a  good  scolding  is  at  least  certain, 
perhaps,  in  addition,  he  would  have  had  his  ears  boxed,  and  then 
been  tossed  in  a  blanket. 

Nemesis  in  Plaster  of  Paris. 

WHEN  the  French  Ambassador  had  seen  in  Westminster  Hal] 
designs  for  the  WELLINGTON  Monument,  he  rushed  over  to  the  Ele 
Telegraph  Office,  and,  in  breathless  haste,  forwarded  to  L 
NAPOLEON  the  following  laconic  despatch  :— 

is  aocngta  lit" 


THE  LAPSE  OP  TIME.— The  Boy,  who  was  originally  on  the  NEJ 
Column,  is  now  the  father  of  ten  children ! 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  29,  1857. 


COUNTS  AND  CEACKJAWS. 

A  CONTEMPORARY'S  own  correspondent  in  Hungary  in 
reporting  the  progress  of  the  EMPEROR  OF  AUSTRIA'  in 
that  country,  to  prove  that  his  Imperial  Majesty  is  not 
likely  to  be  received,  as  his  enemies  anticipate,  with  silence 
and  inattention  by  the  Magyar  nobles,  gives  a  list  of 
certain  ot  those  magnates  who  repaired  to  Oedenbur°-  to 
lorm  a  guard  of  honour  for  him  :  and  observes  :— 

P*r*™v>J™*°'n°  £1<Klu<mco  in  *'>'»  catalogue  of  proper  names  :- 
Cm-vT«  sf  KB"*ZY.  COUNT  CziRAKr,  COUNT  JOSEPH  BOMOCOI.  the  four 
OCNTS  SEECHENV;.  COUNT  ZICHV,  COUNT  VIZAY,  COUNT  WALKKNSTEIV 
In,,  £°<"'-'V'EJACSEV'ES-  COUNT  NJSZKY,  COUNT  BURY  COUNT 
JOMISCH,  COUNT  ERDODV,  COUNT  CSAKV,  and  BARON  DJS  TRmra." 

The  .eloquence,  such  as  there  is,  in  this  nominal  cata- 
logue, is  ot  a  very  simple  and  extremely  rugged  character 

nm,T    n  Pf  SinS-<\°  ,ihos.cll°^y  who  delight  in  uncouth 
bounds  attended  with  horrible  grimaces,  for  the  result  of 
an  "tempt  to  enumerate  the  above  list  of  names,  is  a 
ghtlul  discord,  and  involves  contortions  of  countenance 

Sept'   fitSP        °r>  PrCSCnt  the  apparent  s>'mptoms  of 


Young  Lady  (,„  Old  Gettt).  "  HAV.  TO*  SDCII  4  TluX(i  AS  A  U,CMR 

'OH,  POU  I'VE  LEFT   MT  ClGAB  LIGHTS  AT  HolIE  !" 


"PLATO,  THOU  EEASONEST  ILL!" 

OLD  PLATO  said,  "  Wisdom  crieth  in  the  streets."    This 
iay  have  been  the  case  with  the  ancients,  but  with  us 
rtltlh7ei7diff?:ent-.   ^e  are  su™  that  wisdom 
fP.ATn     /r   Ci'}:xVTehT  m  l!le  PttMw  thoroughfares. 

have ^,M   "HP  '?  L°ndon  at  ?h?  p-rcsent  day- h^  would 
have  said      the  Costcrmonger  cneth  in  the  streets,"  or  if 

Manol,«tPrew  the  Cost11imo"KcrJ  it  would  have  been  the 
Piofp  sio  MleaVer'°r  *>  Proze"-out  Gardener,  or  the 
irolessional  Beggar,  or  the  canting  Paalm-Sinirer  or  (he 
in,raUd|P01)uL:U;  Bnllad-Vendo?,  or  those  eroe<"dilsh 
tlemen,  who,  with  clean  aprons  and  vitriolic  voices, 
appeal  from  the  middle  of  the  strcft  to  their  "  Kvinj 
Cliristeeans."  Poor  Wisdom,  if  it  does  erv  it  must  be  at 


PUNCH'S  LITTLE  POLICE  COURT 

\ 

In  their  defence  nnp  nf  +iw»  ^ff««j /_   .      ,1 


T          .  i*c/  vjarueng. 

A'lftantfiA&siebMr'as- 


into  t     Poor  Box 


uioj  i         often    hnir_HcaaBAwo_  «_  __•„    i* 
"pboys— he  might  have 
"i  of  the  commonest 


was  encored  in  even  one  of  his  briZ',,tS  E 

upposing  A\',srousi  WILLUM    wal  caHed  n±CJS"!f  i1-"  larliament 

e  every  one  of  his  eloquen   speech   it  I?!;!0  dcl'Ve,r  •»  >eco?d 

hupon  his  O/r  fSci^SS    ih'J  *^    ip  am~as  Plain  as  the 

i  never  be  carried  on!    As  witir  I'^Hi,       ^^  ,°f  ^e  Dation 


A  TREAT  FOR  OXFORD'S  MEMBERS 

;iS.i«.5p.SS.SSis 

latelv  on  a  sure,  Papa  has  been  absent  from  home 

S=S™Si^^SS 


"  Voices  of  the  Night." 


M  hearts  beat  in  uniso 
lurrymif  past.     Nursery-maids  wore  «,    i^""»  r""j"ii"  ""'"re  mem.     Soldiers  were 

S^l*-s^^HSSSP^s^B^2i55 

M.,  "much  too  loud  for  a  f'huper  '" 
yords  "  JACK  ROBINSON  "  could  leap 
nishcd  with  the  slickness  peculiar  to  a 


rom  the  lips  of 'a  human  being";  ?hi  j 
ash  of  greased  lightning! 


ACGCST  29,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


93 


LAST  FOND  LOOKS.' 


HIGHLY  ACCOMMODATING. 

Stout  Party  (rather  hot).  "  Hope  you  don't  find  the  braze  too  much,  Sir  > " 
Fellow  Passeuger.  "Oh/  not  at  all,  Sir!  f  rather  like  it .'" 


,i   fn-  ,       - of  a   ay u 

the  full  height  and  breadth  of  Fashion)  has  got 
her  bonnet  and  gloves  on,  and  is  perfectly  ready 
with  her  parasol  in  her  hand,  she  always  goes 
brick  to  the  looking-glass  to  take  a  last  fond  look 
Upon  our  asking  "a  dear  hainl-ome  Duchess  " 
if  this  was  not  the  truth,  and  the  beautiful  truth 
she  had  the  charming  candour  to  state  •  "  Yes' 
my  dear  Punch,  it  is  the  truth,  hut  not  all  the 
truth.  No  woman,  take  my  word  for  it  is 
satisfied  with  one  look.  At  least,  1  know  that  / 
am  not.  for  (and  here  our  Duchess  laughed  as 
though  she  was  pleased  with  herself  and  all  the 
world)  I  don't  mind  telling  you,  /  iuvaria/,1,/ 
take  Jour— four  good  onei.  The  first  look  in  the 
glass  is  for  myself,  that 's  fair ;  the  second  is  for 
my  husband,  that's  nothing" but  juM  ;  the  third 
is  for  my  friends,  that's  only  generous ;  and  the 
last  is,  for  my  rivals,  that's  human  nature  If 
the  last  look  satisfies  me,  then  I  know  it  is  all 
nglit,  and  I  assure  you  I  never  take  any  more  !  " 

A  Cordon  Sanitaire. 

IT  is  proposed  to  buy  the  unsunk' portion  of 
the  Atlantic  R,ope,.and  to  lay  it  down  to  India. 
Certainly,  next  to  gunpowder,  rope  is  the  article 
most  wanted  in  India,  but  it  is  rope  of  the  kind 
mentioned  in  the  nursery  song  — that  which 
instinctively  began  to  "  Hang  the  Butcher." 

ECONOMY  I»  IEMALE  DRESS. 

A  MISERABLE  stingy  wretch  of  a  husband 
complaining  of  the  expense  now  rendered 
necessary  by  ladies'  extensive  dresses,  was  very 
properly  reminded  by  his  injured  wife  that 
CrmoluiQ  is  a  set-off. 


PEN-AND-1NKLE  AND  YARICO. 

THE  litcraryaud  political  world,  is  awaicthat  there  isa  journal  called 
the  fHH,  a  Conservative  organ,  more  especially  dedicated  to  the 
glorification  of  MR.  DISRAELI.    It  has.  until  lately,  seldom  appeared 
without  calling  the  attention  of  a  negligent  world  to  some  spSd 
"f?1  of  Pat™tism  or  oratory,  alleged  to  liave  been  performed  by  that 
High    Honourable k  Gentleman.    It  is  true  that  the  paper  has  occa- 
sionally been  snubbed  by  the  Conservative  Chiefs,  and  that  LORD 
DKRBY  thought  it  necessary  to  repay  much  good  service  to  himsel 
and  his  party  by  matins,  in  the  House  of  LorSs,  an  offensive  and  con 
temptuous  allusion  to  the  journal.    In  fact,  it  was  evident  that  there 
were  differences  m  the  Conservative  camp-DioMED  and,TnERs ITES 
•  yar,ance-E,-HilAiMwas.vexmKJu,,An.    But  it  was  withgrca' 
pain  that  we  perused  the  following  evidence,  last  week,  that  the  Preis 

-r'r1  rUnd>  and  7'5JfWhtill5  LoRD  DER^'S  battle  ore 
Ihe  cleverness  and  fidelity  of  the  following  description 
which  we  ex  tract  verbatim  (except  as  regards  compression),  cannot  be 
f1""  '  '"  ^/^at'^de  of  this  kinl of  treatment  of  a  p™  age 
»  ho  has  worked  for  the  Tories  as  hard  as  ME.  DISRAELI  has  done  is 
•M.ua  l.v  palmble  -It  is  a  retrospective  sketch  or  summary^  of  what 
m-lil  he  said  at  the  close  of  his  career  — 


.HS^^r±«ferlssaSSS! 


f"?me^urilriJh?    T  by  profession  ;  rarely  profound  in  hiaviews,  hi,  standard 
r  measuring  right  and  wrong  was  purely  oonwmtional.  but  his  alicctation  of  aris 
tocratic  prejudices,  and  echoing  the  fashionable  cant  of  the  great  and  hiVh'born 
us  and  out  of  place.     He  did  not  at  the  close  of  his  career  eniciv  mucli 
confidence  of  many  of  the  loaders  of  the  Conservative  connection." 

The  conclusion  reads  to  us  as  anticlimax.  At  least  we  should  never 
make  it  matter  of  _  reproach  to  MR.  DISRAELI  that  he  did  not  enjoy 
mpuocohvOfftthe  confidence  of  such  persons  as  DERBY,  MALMESBGHY,  and 

"  Tholr  praise  were  censure,  and  their  censuro  praise." 

But  if  we  consider  this  article  as  the  effusion  of  a  Tory  journal 
against,  a  man  who,  with  all  his  faults,  fought  the  Conservative'  ffi 
nJ:,™1"' ll  aud  ma»),  disputed  the  ground  inch  by  inch,  did  succeed 
n  damaging  many  of  his  weaker  antagonists,  and  never  fliuched  from 
he  blow  of  the  champions,  and  who  was  doing  party  work  almost  up 
to  the  day  of  the  publication  of  the  attack,  we  must  sav  that  we  have 
seldom  seen  anything  more  despicably  ungrateful     The  Tories  are 
proverbial  for  neglecting  their  best  partisans,  but  an  excuse  can  be 
found  for  this  in  the  contempt  which  a  thinking  man  must  feel  for  the 
1  ot  mi  i  who  can  long  and  vociferously  proclaim  the  nonsense 
with  '         neskct  a  used  tool  is  one  thing— to  throw  it 

disposed  to  be  tools  should  know  how^h'ey  wilHe  iLe*d  by  Conferva6 
tive  mr,nW,>,«_W  them  be  warned  by  this  treatment    " 
dragged  li 


Halte  la  .'    At  our  elbow  growls  a  Judicious  Friend,  who  savs  that 
we  have  read  the  article  hastily,  and  that  it  does  not  apply  to 
""-""""  PPy0 


That  is  a  relief.  That  is  a  comfort.  The  world  is  not  so  ungrateful 
We  breathe  again  And  yet  the  mistake  might  well  be  made  for  does 
not  every  word  he  p  to  frame  a  doubtless  unfriendlv,  buT  still  l[fe|°ke 
and  photographic  image  of  the  Member  for  Bucks  ?  But  our  friend  is 
rght.  It  cannot  be  The  >.  Pre,,  is  still  DISRAEUTE.  Most  p  robab  v 

is  graced  by  an  article  from  the  DISRAELITE  steel  ™ 

D°"ble' 


JOHN  WILSON  CROKER  ! 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  29,  1857. 


from  his  bed  of  sickness  and  paiu  until  within  a  few  hours  of  his  death  ? 

Tin-  ablest  advocate  with  tongue  and  pen  whom  they  have  had  during 

the  half  century  in  which  he  has  worn  their  livery?    The  man  who 

was  dead,  hut  not  buried,  when  the  attack  in  the  Press  was  written 

•m  who  had  ifiyen  MR.  DISUAELI  such  mortal  offence  that  he 

.eil  with  .-ill  his  elaborate  fierceness  (no  matter  how  feebly  as 

a  matter  of  art)  in  a  political  novel  ?    The  man  dies,  and  before  he  i> 

.I'D,  tiie  paper  sacred  to  his  party  and  to  their  plebeiai 

chief,  issues  this  spiteful  and  ungrateful  picture?    No,  no!    Our 

Judicious  r'rieml  is  jeMing.     Let  us  see. 

Jtisso.     /'  utib.    Only  this.    There  is  a  new  Dictionary  in 

The  Council  who  are  compiling  it  will  not  fail  to  include  two 
ions. 

TOKYISM.  (noun.)  In  employers,  convertible  term  with  Base  Ingra- 
in employed,  (henceforth)  with  Abject  folly.    AUTHORITIES 
Disraeli,  Crater,  Punch,  ffc. 


HOW    ABOUT    THE    HOOPS P 


S  the  Times  the  other 
day  began  a  leading 
article  with  the 
dignified  expression 
"  How  about  the 
flies  P"  we  shall 
hardly  be  accused 
of  using  Hippant 
language  if  we  ask 
our  lady  readers, 
How  about  the 
hoops  P  Quousque 
tandem  abutere, 
Crino/ina,  patientia 
nostra ? — or,  in 
plain  English, 

ladies,  to  confound 
you  all  under  the 
name  of  your  by- 
every  -  man-jack-  of- 
us-detested  Crino- 
line, how  long,  (and 
how  wide)  do  you 
intend  to  try  our  patience?  We  feel  impelled  to  put  to  you  this 
most  momentous  question,  because  we  see  it  stated  by  a  writer  on  the 
Fashions  inj^a  fashionable  paper  (we  wonder  what  salary  the  lucky 
fellow  gets  who  fills  a  place  demanding  such,  intensity  of  intellect) 
that  :— 

"  Wide  skirts  still  continue  to  b«  worn,  anl  there  is  but  little  .apprehension  of 
their  going  out :  it  having  been  decided  that  the  mode  is  most  becoming." 

Now,  ladies,  pray  by  whom  do  you  imagine  this  decision  has  been 
come  to  ?  Do  you  think  it  likely  that  the  leaders  of  the  fashion  can 
have  somewhere  met  in  solemn  conclave,  and  recorded  their  conviction,' 
after  a  fair  trial,  that  the  wearing  of  wide  skirts  is  a  "mode  most 
becoming?"  or  is  it  not  more  probable  that  the  verdict  has  been  given 
merely  by  the  milliners :  who,  however  good  their  judgment  as  to  what 
becomes  "  their  customers,  cannot  be  regarded  as  quite  unbiassed 
judges  ?  We  are  seriously  inclined,  ourselves,  to  believe  that  nearly 
every  so-called  "  leader  "  of  the  fashion  is  in  reality  herself  led  by  the 
nose  mt9  whatsoever  ways  of  dressing  her  Costumiers  directs  :  and  our 
opinion  is  that,  as  an  ample  skirt  consumes  more  silk  or  satin  than  a 
scanty  one,  wide  dresses  keep  in  vogue,  because  of  the  long  bills  they 
infallibly  induce. 

:ITH  has  laid  it  down,  that  "  the  female  mind  does  not 

'    we  are  ungallant  enough  to  share  his  sentiment,  or 

we  should  rather  say,  his  want  of  it.    We  are  also  well  aware 

that,  as  a  rule,  the  female  mind  has  little  knowledge  of  arithmetic  • 

and  that  it  would  be  useless  to  expect  it  to  put  two  and  two  together, 

without  at  least  considerable  practice  in  the,  process.    We  are  there- 

it  unwilling,  ladies,  to  assume  that  your  extravagance  in  dress  is 

not  aforethought  malice,  but  is  indulged  in  without  consideration  of 

the  consequences.    We  dispose  ourselves  to  take  this  charitable  view 

because  we  cannot  fancy  you  would  go  to  such  lengths,  and  widths  in 

over-dressing,  if  you  reflected  on  the  magnitude  of  the  folly  of'  so 

lour  object  m  dress,  we  presume,  is  to  please:  and  not  to 

please  yourselves  so  much  as  male  admirers.     Now  you  don't  suppose 

hoop  petticoats  are  looked  upon  with  favour  hv  the  masculine  eve- 

Km  surely  can't,  imagine  there  is  "metal  more  attractive"  to 

m  half  a  ton  of  Crinoline  than  in  nature's  flesh  and  blood 

insmrounded  by  steel  armour  ?    If  you  wish  to  dissipate  such  fond 

is.1011,  empanel  a    jury  of    your  nearest    male  relations,  whom 

llantry  will  not  deter  from  giving  a  true  verdict.    Or  even  put  the 

question  to  your  partner  in  a  ball-room,  and  see  if  he  approves  of  the 

ion  which  makes  ladies  unapproachable.    Whether  as  waltzer  or 


as  husband,  a  man  likes  a  woman  he  can  take  to  his  arms  ;  and  how  is 
this  possible  when  she  is  entrenched  in  an  impregnable  hoop  petticoat, 
which  when  he  approaches  he  breiiks  his  shin  against. 

You  will  observe,  if  you  please,  ladies,  that  we  don't  mean  to  say  a 
syllable  about  the  bad  'morality— if  not  the  downright  vice— there  is  in 
over-dressing.  We  intend  to  draw  no  pictures  of  families  impoverished 
by  the  richness  of  wives'  wardrobes,  and  reduced  to  narrow  means  by 
their  wide  furbelows  and  flounces.  We  appeal  to  you  simply  on  the 
score  of  eyesight:  and  we  tell  you  none  but  a  distempered  vision  can 
see  beauty  in  a  person,  whereof  the  natural  proportions  are  distorted 
and  deformed  by  a  protuberance  of  petticoat.  Instead  of  vieing  with 
each  other  who  can  dress  (lie  most  becomingly,  you  now  seem  striving 
as  to  who  can  make  the  greatest  figure  pi'  herself:  and  in  the  race  for 
the  fashionable  championship  the  favourite  is  she  who  is  weighted  the 
most  heavily.  The  style  now  in  vogue  is  a  style  as  inflated  as  that  of  a 
third-rate  French  romancist's,  and  ladies  who  have  not  a  spark  of  pride 
about  them,  yet  are  so  puffed  up  that,  there  is  literally  no  shaking  hands 
with  them.  They  keep  even  their  nearest  relations  at  arm's  distance ; 
indeed  it  is  a  painful  fact  that  many  a  husband  now  lives  separated 
from  his  wife  (by  at  least  three  yards  of  outskirt),  and  is  moreover 
haunted  by  a  horrible  misgiving  lest  she  be  suspected  of  belonging  to 
the  swell  mob. 

Now,  ladies,  we  are  not  of  a  malignant  disposition ;  but  when  we 
find  it  stated  that,  in  spite  of  all  our  efforts,  there  is  no  abatement  in 
the  Crinoline  contagion,  we  are  in  self-defence  disposed  to  prescribe  a 
harsher  treatment  than  we  have  as  yet  ever  ventured  to  propose.  Were 
we  an  old  bachelor,  we  should  not  shrink  from  the  suggestion  that  the 
wide  skirts  be  referred  to  the  Inspector  of  Nuisances,  with  strict 
orders  to  take  summary  steps  for  their  removal.  When  needful  to 
resort  to  a  surgical  operation,  we  would  have  the  strongest  nerved  prac- 
titioners appointed  to  the  scissorship,  and  give  them  full  instructions 
to  cut  and  come  again  if  requisite.  As  the  mania  for  hoops  is  as 
infectious  as  the  hooping-cough,  we  would  have  the  incurable  perma- 
nently confined  :  and  considering  what  frights  the  Crinoline-ainicted 
look,  we  think  the  proper  hospital  for  their  reception  would  be  Guy's ! 

But  >as  we  have  the  feelings  of  a  married  wan  to  prompt  us,  we 
suggest  in  our  mercy,  that  to  work  a  certain  cure  there  would  be  no 
need  to  have  recourse  to  surgery.  Let  Crinoline  be  made  sufficient 
ground  for  a  divorce— if  not  for  life,  at  least  durantep^tlicoato—xciA 
>ce  how  many  wives  would  then  persist  in  wearing  it.  It  would  surely 
e  but  justice  that  the  use  of  large  skirts  should  be  confined  to  large 
stablishments ;  for  in  purse,  as  well  as  person,  it  is  found  no  easy 
matter  to  support  a  better  half  of  some  thirty  yards'  circumference. 
We  therefore  think  a  husband  should  be  by  law  protected  from  the 
chance  of  being  swamped  by  an  overwhelming  petticoat :  and  that 
pvhen  he  finds  his  wife's  wide  flounces  narrowing  his  income,  he  should 
pe  entitled  to  obtain  a  divorce. ad  immensd — that  is,  speaking  English, 
'rom  the  immense  one. 


Punch's  Gentlemanly  System   of  Cab   Fares. 

WE  do  not  like  cabmen  any  more  than  we  like  culprits,  but  we 
would  treat  them  with  the  same  mercy  that  is  usually   shown  to 
:ulprits.     In   paying  a  fare,   if   you    have   the   smallest    d<,; 
the  cabmau  have,  as  a  culprit  generally  has,  the  full  benefii 
doubt,  and  pay  him  accordingly.    Better  overpay  nine  hundi 
ninety-nine  unjust  cabmen  than  underpay  one  just  one. 
can  rarely  be  seen  under  a  shilling,  and  surely  the  rariiy  of 
CABMAN  (when  you  see  one)  well  deserves  an  extra  sixpi 


Hymen  Out  of  Town. 

MIGHT  we  be  allowed  to  call  the  benevolent  attention  of  the  aris- 
tocracy to  the  hard  lines,  if  we  may  be  pardoned  the  expression,  under 
which  two  humble  persons,  employed  in  the  service  of  a  church,  are 
suffering — we  cannot  say  labouring— because  their  hardship,  in  fact,  is 
that  of  having  almost  nothing  to  do.  Hank  and  Fashion  having  gone 
out  of  Town,  Marriages  in  High  Life  are  performed  in  the  Provinces, 
and  not  at  St.  George's,  Hanover  Square.  Pity  the  Pew  Opener  and 
Beaale. ! 

A    CLERICAL  QUADRUPED. 

AMONG  the  horses  entered  for  the  Leamington  Stakes  there  was  one 
nriined  Uomil/i.  The  appellation  of  this  animal  would  seem  to  indicate 
that  he  was  a  good  one  for  a  steeple-chace. 


A  VOICE   PROM  WESTMINSTER  HALL. 

"  Si  momimmtttm  qu/tras,  circttmspice." 

"  If  you  want  a  monument,  look  elsewhere." 


MAXIM  BY  A  MAN  OF  THE  WOULD.— Find  enjoyment  for  the  body, 
and  the  mmd  will  find  enjoyment  for  itself.— Hog's  Instructor. 


SEPTEMBER 

5, 

1857.] 

PUNCH, 

OR 

THE 

LONDON 

CHARIVARI 

95 

I      = 


MALICIOUS. 

Flora.  "CAN  YOU  STILL  SEE  THE  STEAMER,  LUCY,  DEAR?." 

Lucy.  "On  YES,  QUITE  PLAINLY!" 

Flora.  "AND  DEAR,  DEAR  WILLIAM,  TOO?" 

Lucy.  "00,  YES!  " 

Flora.  "DOES  HE  SEEM  UNHAPPY,  NOW  HE  is  AWAY  FROM  MI?" 

Lucy.  "EVIDENTLY,  I   SHOULD   SAY,   DEAR;    FOR   HE 'is  SMOKING  A  CIGAR, 

DRINKING  SOMETHING  OUT  OF  A  TUMBLER  TO  CBEER   HIM,   POOR   FILLOW?" 


TURKISH  PIPES  AND  BEER. 
"Jin.  PUNCH,  ZUR, 

"  I  ZEK  a  statement  t'  other  day  in  one  of  the  peeapers  to  the  feet  as  how 
there 's  a  growun  conzumpsliun  in  Turkey  vor  articles  of  ourn  as  has  never  been 
till  now  used  there  afore.  What  I  specially  took  note  on  was  this  here  passidge  : — 

"  This  remark  applies  particularly  to  beer,  which  the  Greeks  and  some  of  the  wealthier  Turks 
have  learned  to  drink." 

"  I  wants  you  to  publish  this  here  statement,  cause  I  thinks  a  "11  dp  (rood  by 
encouragun  ajrriculterl  produs.  Openun  up  a  markut  for  malt  licker  in  Turkey, 
where  tlicy  dwoan't  drink  no  wine,  must  be  a  fine  thing  for  we,  as  grows  the 
malt,  and  'tis  well  as  Turkey  merchants  should  be  let  know  that  a  cargo  o'  beer 
med  be  a  prawfitable  specklashun  vor  um.  What  I  wish  you'd  instill  into  urn, 
also,  is  that  teacluin  of  um  to  drink  beer  'ood  be  the  best  way  towards  conveitun 
of  um.  As  to  what  they  temperance  chaps  med  zay  to  the  contrairy,  that 's  all 
stuff — haven't  the  Turks  ben  teetotallers  ever  since  they  was  Turks,  and  what 's 
the  consequence  V  Why,  they  ruins  theirselves  wi  hopium,  and  that  are  hash — 
what  d'ye  call  "I? — that  there  hemp  stuff.  Then  they  drinks  sherbert,  I  be  told, 
and  cawfy — beer 'ood  do  um  moor  good  by  haaf-  along  wi  their  pipes.  Let  um 
once  taste  good  beer,  and  they  '11  zoon  begin  to  zee  the  errer  p"  their  ways.  If 
you  knows  any  o'  the  missionaries,  just  you  hammer  that  are  into  um.  There 's 
that  chap  HANBURY,  the  member  o'  Parliament,  I  should  think,  now,  he,  anyhow, 
must  zee  the  force  o'  what  I  sez,  if  none  o'  the  rest  on  um  dwoan't,  cause  there  he 
is  a  gurt  Sunday  man  on  the  one  hand,  and  a  gurt  brewer  on  the  t'other.  Not 
but  what  I  prefers  home-brew'd  to  TRUMAN,  HANBURY,  and  BUXTON'S  Entire, 
or  any  other  Entire,  or  half-and-half  either,  or  any  other  sart  o'  licker  under  the 
zun.  But  just  you  git  hold  o'  that  are  HANBURY  and  infarm  un  how  the  cat 
jumps  in  Turkey,  and  show  un  how  it's  to  his  interst  and  all  o'  our  intersts, 
and  the  interst  o'  the  methodies  into  the  bargun,  to  affpord  the  Turks  all  the 
sistance  we  can  towards  satisfyun  their  thirst  for  beer,  which  is  a  nateral  appetite. 


and  shows  urn  not  to  lie  sirh  savages  as  we've  took  um 
vor,  and  looks  its  if  they  was  cnmun  round.  Now  they've 
opened  their  mouths  to  beer,  there's  some  hopes  they '11 
open  their  ears  to  doctnm— but  what  I  scz  is,  mind  the 
beer  urn  ^ives  um  is  (rood  beer;  cause  if  you  imposes  on 
um  wi  a  ],;\-*\i!  o'  frond-v'ir-nuthun  stuff,  o'  coorse  they'll 
think  lliai  what  jou  preaches  to  inn  can't  be  no  !><•' 
'Tis  no  use  telhm  of  um  to  mend  their  ways,  and  walk 
in  the  paths  of  rightyrunOM  if  all  the  while  they  sees 
we  a  committun  adulteration  ourselves.  '/MT,  I  be,  jour 
obcdiunt  amble  sarvunt, 

"  BaanufieM,  Sept.,  1S57.  "  GlLES  Ju<1(' ' N  s'" 

"I'.S.  They  calls  the  Grand  Senior  the  Sublime 

um  'J.     It  MI  lie  as  he  teaks  to  beer,  I  spose  they  '11 
change  his  title  to  Sublime  Swipes  or  Sublime  Stingo. 

(..  J." 


A  CASE  FOR  Till]  WHIP. 

A  LETTER  appeared  the  other  day  in  the  Morning  Pott, 
under  the  heading  of  "Dangerous  and  Ruffianly  Boy»," 
the  writer  of  whieh,  in  describiiiR  various  brutalities  prac- 
tised by  young  street  rascals,  makes  the  following  state- 
ment :— 

"At  the  corner  of  Momington  Crescent,  H.impstead  Road.  I  have 
repeatedly  seen  disgraceful  asnaulU  committed  upon  a  blind  boy  who 
sits  there  to  read  aloud,  from  the  Bible  for  the  blind,  when  requested 
by  the  curious  or  the  charitable  to  do  so.  A  bevy  of  ill-looking  lads, 
of  fmm  12  to  IS,  jostled  this  blind  boy  the  other  day,  rau  ofl  with  his 
cap,  injured  his  Bible,  and  knocked  about  some  coppers  which  he 
was  holding  in  his  hand.  I  succeeded  in  scaring  them  away  ;  but  on 
looking  back,  as  I  was  getting  out  of  view,  I  had  the  m»rtincation  to 
see  that  the  tormentors  were  again  gathering  round  their  prey." 

We  wonder  what  the  Magistrate  of  the  district  would 
charge  for  an  assault,  committed  in  the  form  of  a  good 
hiding,  on  the  person  of  one  of  the  young  blackguards 
who  amuse  themselves  by  maltreating  the  blind  boy  at 
the  corner  of  Momington  Crescent.  The  very  smallest 
fine,  we  should  tliink,  that  he  could  possibly  inflict,  sup- 
posing the  assiivilt  to  have  been  provoked  by  the  outrage 
committed  on  the  blind  boy.  If  any  gentleman  could  be 
assured  on  that  point,  he  might  possibly  feel  disposed  to 
take  a  walk  in  the  direction  of  Hampstead,  armed  with  a 
dog-whip,  and  accompanied  by  a  fiiend  or  two  similarly 
provided.  Should  he  catch  any  young  scamp  at  the  corner 
of  Mornington  Crescent,  bullying  the  blind  boy,  he  might, 
seize  him  by  the  collar,  and,  if  sufficiently  strong,  hold 
him  up  with  one  hand  and  whip  him  as  bard  as  possible 
with  the  other  for  some  time.  His  companions  might  follow 
I  his  example,  if  they  found  several  young  blackguards 
engaged  in  the  diversion  of  ill-using  the  blind  boy,  and 
we  cannot  imagine  a  more  pleasing  chorus  than  that  which 
the  simultaneously  whipped  cowards  would  perform  by 
howling  in  concert  under  the  lash. 


REMAUK    BY   A   DISGUSTING   OLD   BACHELOR. 

THERE  is  one  art  which  the  use  of  these  unmanageable 
Crinolines  is  likely  to  teach  the  women  of  England,  and 
mt  is — Petticoat  Government. 


"  A  Cruel  Parient." 

A  STERN  Papa,  being  dissatisfied  with  his  little  boy,  set 
him  to  calculate  how  many  speeches  MR.  GLADSTONE  made 
on  the  Divorce  Bill.  The  youthful  martyr  got  as  far  as 
2,873  speeches,  exclusive  of  remarks  and  observations,  and 
then  his  sticngth  failed  him.  He  has  fallen  into  a  deep 
trance,  and  the  strongest  restoratives  have  been  applied  in 
vain.  The  father's  hair  has  since  turned  completely  grey. 
It  is  at  his  request  that  we  publish  the  above  fact  as  a 
warning  to  parents  not  to  be  unduly  severe  in  the  choice 
of  punishments  they  may  inflict  on  their  disobedient 
children.  

Cock-a-doodle  Doo! 

THEY  may  talk  pf  the  cocks  of  the  Hamlet, 

So  gaily  saluting  the  morn : 
But  cocks  in  some  Hamlets  I  know  of, 

Are  really  not  to  be  borne. 
I  allude  to  the  Cox  of  Finsbury, 

With  whose  crowing  I'm  fairly  outworn ! 


Itl 


VOL.  XXXIII. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  5,  1857. 


PARUAMENT. 

ON  DAY.  August  21.  The  un- 

•!y    conduct     of     tlie 

Speaker,  who  in  his  exul- 

l:iiion  at  the  close  of  Ins 
tirst  Session,  kicked  his 
costly  wig  into  the  air, 
reminds  Mr.  1'ioicli  that 
Mil.  SPEAKER  DENISON 
has  as  yet  scarcely  come 

to     S.ieakcrship    llialk. 

lie  has  !>t en  too  easy,     llr 


a  Peer  of  LORD  ROBEKT  GHOSVENOR.  NAPOLEON  said  that  he  made 
a  Kin;;  of  Mi) HAT  in  order  to  bring  the  article,  King,  into  contempt. 
Thi>  rrmaik  does  not  apply  to  LORD  ROBEHT,  of  whom,  barring  that 
he  is  a  Sabbatarian  and  a  HoiiKEopathist,  nothing  can  be  said  to  his 
prejudice  (to  adopt  an  Iiish  lady's  formula  of  self-defence),  but  why 
should  he  be  made  a  Peer?  "VVe  suspect  that  it  is  all  the  weather's 
doing,  and  that  HEK  MAJISTY  thought  that  it  was  too  hot  to  make  a 
fuss  about  such  a  trine  as  a  peerage,  and  Mr.  Punch  has  the  honour  to 
agree  with  HEK.  MAJESTY.  When  a  Comet  has  been  absorbed  into  the 
Sun  (Sin  ISAAC  NEWTON'S  theory — vide  Things  Not  Generally  Known) 
and  the  human  r;ice  is  parboiling,  and  can  only  keep  itself  from  utterly 
vanishing  by  constant  infusions  of  iced  claret  cup,  who  is  going  to  be 
bothered  about  a  coronet  r1  HAYTJSK  moved  a  new  writ  for  Middlesex, 
and  both  Houses  adjourned  until  the  Friday. 


Friday.  Both  Houses  met  to  receive  their  quietus.  While  the 
to  nresume  to  Commons  awaited  the  Black  Hod,  anybody  said  auj thing  that  occurred 
nr  tn  rontro  '°  '''m>  Jus^'  as  a<-'tors,  whui  somebody  who  ought  to  come  on  keepsthe 

er  and  make  serious  gestures.    MR. 

tlicicntlv   *"•-»*•  •»••"'•  v--i,,i,.,.i..vn  -. ,.,v  ...ihers  of  unlawful  Irish  babies  could 

,!'.  i     ,•"„,   1(,..,    *    Mil  lie  ennipi  lied  to  maintain  them;  LORD  PALMEHSTON  mentioned  that 
L.u,.'  ',,'   .i .'  "nit  would  help  the  Kurrachee  Railway  Company  so  far  as  it 


in 


tip 


country  in  the  world,    c.mld  be-  done  without  aid  from  Parliament;  MB.   MANXES  said  that 
UNISON    is  the  First   tne  J>ast  India  Company  had  sent  out  orders  to  give  ample  assistance 
v'n    \Ve  hope  tint  duriii"   *o  all  pjwoiu  reduced  to  destitution  by  the  lebellion:  and   SIR  DE 
the  recess  he  will  acquire  a    ''^v  KvA!is  be»fl..VPe?1*1  on  the  Purchase  of  Commissions,  when 

:•«  was  a  cry  ot  """-"'o  *'•=  w~>  " 


little  more  sternness,  and 
we  should  advise  him  to 
have  all  hisQesingtoD  male 
domestics  into  the  stable- 


Here's  the 

The  Commons  having  arrived  in  the  House  of  Lords,  a  piece  of 
r<  inarkable  legerdemain  WHS  performed.  A  heap  of  parchment  lay  on 
a  table  before  a  long  cleik.  He  made  a  bow,  and  said  La  Heine  le 


vard    every  morning,  and  ]  Pent.    At  the  self-same  moment  a  large  part  of  the  Ecclesiastical 
row  them  s-iva-elv  iniakin?  ermprnsation 'in  their  wages),  until   he   Court  came  down  with  a  crash,  and  disclosed  a  beautiful  new  COURT 


fen  of  ii  bnke.     Or  let,    him 
take  so  son,  and  he  will  soon  learn  the 

artofputtii  ctionable  people.     With  these  remarks,  all  for 

his  good,  «;  'Mil  for  kicking. his  wig,  and  we  wish  him  a 

Parliamentary  proceedings  during  the  last  week  of  a  Session  are 

usualU  i  n. ally  cnlivned  by  a  bit  of  temper  on 

the   ii:i  angry  at   being  detained  in  town.     On 

Monday,  in  the  Lords,  the  highly  ridiculous  conduct  of  LOUD  KEDES- 

DALE  on  the  previous  Friday  was  brought  up  again,   lie  had  attempted 

to  overthrow  ihe  Divorce  Bill  by  a  sudden  and  irregular  trick,  for 

which  he  had  been  soundly  castigated  by  LORD  LAHSUOWNE,  a/irip.>s 

of  whose  name,  we  hear  (and  are  glad  to  hear,  if  the  circumstance 

affords    satisfaction    to    one   whom    even  body    honours)    that   the 

venerable  Marquis  is  to  be  made  DUKE  «v  KKHRY.     It  is  only  an 

act  of  comni'  to  LORD  CHAN  WORTH,  of  whom  we  have  not 

often  been   able  to  speak   in  eulogistic  tenns,  that  on  occasion  of 

nick,  he  put  himself  into  the  most  furious  and  boiling 

rage  in  which  an  infuriated  Chancellor  ever  seethed.     0  ,ii  sic  omnia  ! 

•HALE  was  obliged  to  abstain  fmm   hostility  that  night,  and  this 

he  had  t»>  make  the   best  of  his   behaviour,  and  interrupted 

ss   for  a  long  time   with    his    explanations.     The   Commons' t 

Amendments  to  the  Divorce  Bill  were  then  brought  forward,   and 

REDESDALE  moved  their   rejection.     He   was  defeated.     They  wire 

discussed,  aud  all  were  agreed  to,  except  two,  one  of  which  was  the 

introdii'  ihe  (Quarter  Sessions  a  jurisdiction  in 

divorce  cases.    The  Louis,  who  live  a  good  deal  among  country  gen- 1 

know  their  logical  habits,  want  of  prejudice,  and  geneial 

for  Ihe  judicial  0  lj  expunged   this  passage,  winking 

tber.    Tlu  II  be  iinished  at  once. 

Not  day  ll).  ,|  K,  the  Commons  not  to  stick  out 


inej  i  nay  me  uuvernment  sn:r',-e.-tnl  to  the  Commons  u 

fat  »><"  v  did  not.     '1  Ins,  t  he  same  evening, 

was  si.  and  the  Divorce  di-cussion  closed.     And   "ecessary  to  save  the  Country  until  tebiuary. 

now  t ;  is  complete,  .I/,-.  I',,.-.,-/,,  in  fulfilment  of  his  pledge  to 

that  etiect.  presents,  in  another  column,  a  masterly  explanation  of  the 

law  of  the  land  in  regard  to  Divorce. 

ra»  said  that  the  n  mnant  of  the  Atlantic  Cable  was 


OF  MARRIAGE  AND    DIVOKCK,   and    blazing   in    Hymeneal    saffron- 
coloured  letters  the  words,  Quis  SEPAIIABIT. 

The  applause  having  ceased,  LOUD  CRAKWOBTH  read  a  speech  to  the 
following  efftct :  — 

"  My  Lords  and  Gentlemen, 

"  The  QUEEN  says,  she  is  much  obliged  to  you,  and  you  may  go. 

"  Europe  seems  as  likely  to  keep  the  peace  as  not,  and  we  hope  that 
some  of  these  days  the  Danubian  questions  will  be  settled. 

"  The  Bengalese  have  broken  into  rebellion,  and  barbarities  have 
been  committed.  Please  Providence,  the  'powerful  means  at  the 
QUEEN'S  disposal'  will  enable  her  to  give  a  good  account  of  the 
miscreants.  '  No  MEASURE  CALCULATED  TO  QUELL  THESE  DISORDERS 

SHALL   HE   OMITTED.' 

"  Gentlemen  (f  the  House  of  Commons, 
"  Thanks  for  Supplies  and  Promises. 
"  Glad  you  redeemed  the  Sound  Dues  without  adding  to  the  debt. 

"  My  Lords  and  Gentlemen, 

"  Very  much  obliged  indeed  for  your  kindness  to  dear  VICTORIA 
ADELAIDE  MARY  LOUISA. 

"  You  have  really  done  a  good  deal  in  a  short  Session. 
"  The  Wills  Act  was  much  wanted. 
:  The  Divorce  Act  was  particularly  desired. 
"  The  Fraudulent  Trustees  Act  was  earnestly  "asked. 
'  The  Transportation  Act  was  loudly  called  for. 
The  Joint,  Stock  Banks  Acts  was  peremptorily  demanded. 
The  Irish  Bankruptcy  Act  was  terribly  needed. 
'  The  Scotch  Lunatics  Act  was  clamorously  required. 
"  The  Scotch  Police  Act  was  literally  bellowed  for. 
"  And  all  the  other  Acts  which  you  have  passed  were  just  the  tilings 

uary. 
and  just  wild  enough  for  good 


.  .  ,  -  , 

Cnrracb.ee  CWlBCOl  \T  VILLFAMS  and  \ln.    looked  down  to  his  paper,  and  so  found  that,  as  usual,  he  had  made  a 
.;  lite  lo  know  ihai   thi-,   lain  r  plaiv  is  in  India— in  Scinde  in    mistake.     So  he  a 


Hope  you  Tl  find  the  birds 

"  Heaven  bless  you  ! " 

.„,„  „.„„,  „„.     LOUD  CRANWORTII    then    declared    Parliament,    prorogued    until 

not  ""'  •uiment,  and  he  could  not  think  of  a-king  for  i  November.    He  had  mentioned  the  Fifth,  but  overhearing  a  young 

vn  lo   India.     A  plan,  hoiuver,  for  ear-    lady  who  was  looking  at  him  say,   "There's  a  Guy,"  lie  laughed  and 

,   _...._  _  _     IM  ^IIIIM.  m 

been  laid 'before  The. ""public" 

and  had  it  been  carried  out  a  fi  w  months  ago,  half  the  misery  which 
has  occurred  might  bare  been  presented. 

'"!/.  LORD  PANMUKK  prm-ntcd  the  Report  on  Promotion  in 

id  begged  that  it  might  receive  way  half  the  attention  it 

igned  In  only  half  the  Commission  appointed 

to  draw   it.   up.     VVe  should    regret,  to  notice  inconsistency  in   LIIIID 
f  A,N.M1  !  tosee  him  nobly  and  finnfv  adherin* 

to  his  practice  o!  ilnga  In  hal. 

,  K^  i  n  1 1.  had  not  made  up  bis  mind  whether  he 

sliould  or  should  not  pitch  into  GLOVER,  latch  expelled  fmm  Beverlcy 

Vm  some  inconceivable  rtawn,  the  QI.JKEN  has  been  advised  to  make 


amended  his  declaration  and  fixed  the  day  for  Friday, 
November  the  Sixth,  when  Parliament  will  not  meet.  And  now 
universal  space  is  left  to  the  Dictator  to  use  as  he  will — to — 

"  Hang  all  the  sky  with  his  prodigious  signs, 
Fill  y,irtti  with  nionsitrs.  drop  the  Scorpion  down 
Out  ol  tlie  Zc'diuc,  01-  the  fiercer  Liou  ; 
Slmke  off  the  lo,  *  ncd  Kii.be  fioni  lier  long  hinge, 
Koll  all  the  world  in  diirkness,  and  let  lnose 
The  eura^cd  winds  to  tear  up  groves  aud  towns." 

No,  MR.  BEN  Joxsox  ;  no.  PAI.MERSTON  is  doubtless  eager  to  do 
all  Ibis  and  more,  for  the  Russian  Papers,  and  the  American  Papers, 
aud  the  Penny  Papers  avouch  it,  but— viyilans  in  aide—is,  as  ever, 


SEPTF.MISEH  5,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CIIAU1Y 


97 


MR.     PUNCH    UPON    PURCHASE. 


II  If  II.,  F.M.  rrxr  n,  never 
shrinking  from  any  duty, 
howe 

niicrs 
I'ur- 

Ihc  Army.  He 
lias  done  more,  —  lit:  has 
digest! 

/•'.  I/.  /'uacHieeA  scarcely 
say  that  purchase  • 
of  his  own  periodical  —  is 
abhorrent  to  his  nature— 
tliat  lie  detests  a  priori,  a 
posteriori,  a  fortiori,  and 
ex  abunr/anti,  a  system  by 
which  a  fool,  with  the  re- 
quisite sum  lodged  at  his 
ta,  vaults  c.vrr  the  head 


who   docs   not    happ 
have  the  price  of  a  ll 
his  pocket.     F.M.l'unek  is 
glad  to  learn  from  the  re- 
that   the  practice  of 
purchase  began  in  the  reign 
of  CHARLES  ii. 
The  system  savours  of  its 

origin.    When  (lie  King  himself  was  bought  «nd  sold,  no  wonder  commissions 

in  tin:  army  were  made  mailers  of  . 

But  there  the  system  is.     Nohiuh  approves  of  it  in  principle;  but  it  will  cost 

£7,COO,000  to  get,  rid  of  it.     And  nine  rs  of  commissions  out  of  1\ 

—  purchasers  and  non-purchasers  alike  —  art1  dead  against  any  cli:tiige.     If  we  get 
rid  of  pureha.se,   it,  must    be  eitliei    fur  seniority  or  selectiun.     But   seniority  will 
•live  i!  nd  goulv  its  our  giro  i:  warrant  of 

el  seniority  aside  in  I  lint  rank.  And  -Mho 

"light  man  in  the  righl  place,"  i.,  ;,,cdominaiiee  of  I  which 

a  strong  ilhistrati,  n  is  afforded  by  a  .Intir.  SmrsON  in.  the  chief  c.immand, 
with  a  COLIN  CAMrnia.i  at  I  he,  head  of  a  division  under  him. 

If  you  promote  by  seniority,  officers  will  club  among  themselves  to  buy  out  an 
old  boy,  who  dams  the  current  of  promotion  —  as  they  do  in  India.  If  you  promote 
by  select  ion,  cither  Down  will  be  taken  care  of,  and  everybody  el«e  neglected  ;  or 
the  Minister,  in  his  anxiety  to  show  that  he  is  not  taking  care  of  Dow  B,  will  fall 
back  in  practice  on  seniority,  and  appoint  the  oldest,  because  nobody  will  give  him 
credit,  for  appointing  the  worthiest. 

The  system  of  Army  Promotion  is  in  fact—  as  P.M.  Punch's  common  sense  tells 

him—  a  choice  of  difficulties.    Now,  when  JOHN  BULL  has  a  choice  of  difficulties 

before  him,  his  way  is  ra'her  to  make  the  best  of  any  accomplished  fact  he  can  lay 

hold  of,  than  to  rush  into  the  manufacture  of  new  facts.    He  wisely  prefers 

cobbling  his  old  shoes,  to  flinging  them  awav,  on  the  strength  of  the  first  adyer- 

nromises  him  lii  ,11'    and  a  splendid  (it   for  next  to  nothing. 

After  all,  .loiix  HCLL'S  concern  is  less  about  the  price  paid,  Uian  the  article  pur- 

L     What  the  Army  is  depends  upon  what  officers  are,  not  upon  how  they  get 

their  commissions. 

What  if  a.  Commission  P 

A  licence  to  live  in  barracks,  with  the  liberty  of  a  latch-key,  the  luxury  of  a 
mess,  the  free  and  easiness  of  a  barrack-room,  constant  idle  companions  in  quarters, 
the  run  of  the  best  society  in  the  neighbourhood  out  of  quarters,  the  prestige  of 
a  uniform,  and  the  facility  of  unlimited  tiek.  All  this,  remember,  at  an  age  when 
mo.-t  lads  arc  still  at  school,  under  the  check  of  bolts,  bars,  and  bounds,  with  a 
diet  of  legs  of  mutton  and  stick-jaw,  the  work  of  the  Bcbool-room,  the  tyranny  of 
the  sixth  form,  the  surveillance,  of  the  doimitory,  and  a  weekly  allowance  of 
pocket-money.  Per  contra,  it  means  drill  to  learn,  parades  to  attend,  guards  to 
i,  court  martials  to  sit  upon,  and  inspections  to  go  through.  But  the  drill- 
sergeant  is  so  good-tempered!  The  adjutant  and  commanding  officer  arc  sueli 
bricks  —  such  uncommonly  pleasant  fellows  —  and  as  for  inspections,  the  general  of 
the  district,  is  a  trump  and  a  jolly  old  cock  —  and  prefers  making  things  pleasant. 
and  spending  a  cosy  evening  at,  the  mess  to  wigging  and  reporting  i'ellows,  and 
making  a  row.  Then  there's  the  variety  and  excitement  of  tiavcl  and  change  of 
quarters.  In  short,  a  Commission  now-a-days  —  we  speak  of  a  time  of  peace  is  tin: 
passport  to  one  of  the  pfeuaatwt  and  idlest  lives  a  young  fellow  can  cut  out  for 
himself—  if  he  has  three  hundred  a  year  above  his  pay.  No  wonder  the  article 
fetches  more  than  regulation  ptiee.  It  is  a  bad  investment  if  you  look  at  the  pay  — 
but  think  of  the  plea  -urc,  and  where  fan  you  get,  as  much  for  the  money.  It  is 
unique,  in  this  decorous  and  Common-place  eomi'ty. 

But  what  niii/ht  a  Commission  be  ?  What  has  JOHN  BULL  a  right  to  insist  oh  its 
being?  The  admission  —  after  proof  of  good  sound  health,  average  Strength  and  brains 

—  to  a  hard-working  profession,  in  winch,  c\  i,s  being  able  to  ride 
shoot,  and  speak  the  truth  —  should  lie  made  10  learn  ihe.  working  and  details  of  one 
of  the  most  minute  and  complicated  of  machines  —  a  regimental  company:  should, 
be  compelled  to  master  his  duties  on  parade,  and  in  the  barrack-room  —  in  a  word, 
all  of  the  art  of  war  that  can  be  taught,  in  p.  ace  :  in  which  every  depot  should  be  a 
school  :  every  commanding  officer  an  instructor  and  controller,  as  well  as  a  friend 


n  :  every  Inspecting  General,  a  rigid  examiner 
anil  f.iiiht'ul  reporter,  as  well  as  a  good   fellow  at  Ih 
table.     In  short,   wt:  mi^ht   make   our   youngsters,   when 
the\    Inn  H  e  buy  discipline,  instead  of  licence: 

hard-wink,  instead  of  idleness:  pride  in  the  .-i', 
profession,  iiistriul  of  contempt  tor  them.     Ai! 

.'  ilh  piucli  atihle  with  taking 

can-  of  Dnw  it  ;  wiih  favouritism  at  the  Horse  (muds; 
with  the.  privileges  ot  Household  Troops,  who  are  c  v  mpted 
from  most  of  the  hind-hip-,  of  "  undue 

proportion  of  its  rewards;   wiih  the  pa.unz  more  attention 
to  Hie  lacing  of  a  jaeket,  or  the  hang  of  a  feather,  • 
:  s,    or    the    quality   ol 

wiapons;  with  lax  Colonels,  and  easy-going  inspecting 
GCIRI 

The--!  facts  just  as  much  as  purchase:  if  we 

can't  gel,  rid  of  purchase,  let  n  •  of  the  mis- 

duel'  of  ,.i  when  these  tilings  arc  got  rid  of. 

Suppose  |li,.\  '  , wn— no  longer  cared  lot  ;  suppu-e 

:i,in  mil-,  \\ell   bestowed;  suppose  (he  pri\j, 
,rds   dme  away   with  .  of  thai 

]iiedomin»nt    bird    (the   military   tailor'-  <  I  pped  ; 

nels  taught    that  iheymus!  mp  ipu- 

l:uity,  in  the  cause  of  duty,  find   Inspecting  (i 
to  feel  that   speak,  h  better  for  them  than 

making  things  ph  I 

.u  will  say,  suppose  the  moon  made  of  green 

But  Joiix  BOLL  may  insist  on  these  suppositions  being 
converted  into  realities  If  he  can  accomplish  that,  he 
may  leave  purchase  t->  lake  care  of  itself. 

;    In-  denied  that  these  things  might   continue,  if 
purchase  were  abolished  to-morrow  f1     Can  it  be  denied, 

sc  continue,  the  article- -the  Con 

— continues  the  sa  I  the  way  to 

tret  it.     Wha'  \ou  want  to  a',i 

iiiul  buyers  for  it  when  >  as  I-'.M.  1'tmrh  would 

have  it,  purchase  has  come  to  r»n  end  of  itself.  If  jou  can 
fiud  buyers,  why,  it  is  woith  the  money ! 


Israelite  Movement. 

IN  the  City  Article  of  a  daily  contemporary,  the  absence 

of  business  in  the  fund-market  is  accounted  for  "by  I  he 

neral  exodus  of  the  moneyed  public  from  town." 

,er  by  what,  nation  the  original  exodus 

was   performed,    and    consider  of  what   na'iun   also    the 

moneyed  public  is  largely  constituted,  we  discern  a  peculiar 

significance   in   the   description  of  their  departure  from 

as  an  exodus. 


HOW  TO  CALCULATE  THE   HEIGHT   OF  THE 
SEASON  AT  THE  SEASIDE. 

\ViiK.x  you  have  to  wait  an  hour  for  a  bathing-machine ; 
when  the  last  new  Novel  is  bespoken  ten  deep;  when 
donkeys  are  scarce,  and  City  cleiks  plentiful;  whin  u,u 
have  to  walk  your  soles  cff  to  get  a  London  Morning 
Paper;  when  you  meet  with  an  organ-grinder,  or  a  German 
hand,  in  almost  every  street ;  when  the  Dispensary  Hall 
is  given ;  when  chairs  are  fought  for  on  the  sands  ; 
when  you  see  more  buff  slippers  in  the  corridors  o 
the  bed-room  doors  of  hotels  than  Wellington  boots  • 
when  one  is  obliged  to  send  up  to  town  for  a  piece  of 
salmon;  when  ice  commands  a  fabulous  price;  when  HERR 
,|II\-KSI,  "from  the  Nobilities'  Concerts,"  gives  a  Grand 
i  I •'.  stivul  at  the  Town  Hall;  when  landladies  sleep 
in  the  kitchen;  when  "One  Bed  to  Let"  inadiit\  bye- 
lane  is  run  after  with  avidity;  when  the  Sally-lun  man 
•  makes  his  tintinnabular  perambulations  regularly  every 
;  evening,  and  wakes  up  dozing  papas  with  the  jingle,  of  his 
'  muffin-bell  and  dogwi  el  thymes;  when  the  "Third  Robber" 
fi'.m  Saiiler's  U  ells  shines  at  the  little  barn  of  a  theatre 
with  all  the  effulgence  of  a  Star  from  Drury  Lane ;  when 
Guss  FLOUMU  KS,  the  comic  singer  fn  't  (more 

euphonious!)  e  Son  of  MOMUS"),  and  MRS. 

SAI.I.V    Fi.ot.'xnKHS  ("the  DaUfcht.T  of  MOMUS")   "Keep 
'a  little  Farm"  every  nisht,  at   SACKFII   AND  FUI.LKTT'S 
Library,  on  the  Grand  Parade;   and,  lastly,  when  prices 
j  get  so  high  that  they  cannot  possibly  get  anv  higher,  then 
you  may  be  sure  that  it  is  the  HEIGHT  of  the   SEASON 
at,  the  SEASIDE  ! 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  5,  1857. 


TOO     BAD ! 

Bertha.  "Now,  BEAI.LY  CIIAIILER,  YOU  AKE  VERY  PROVOKING.    I'VE  BEEN  LOOKING  FOR  MY  HAT  EVEHYWIIEKK— ANB  I  DECLARE 

YOU   ARE   SITTING   UPON   IT  !  " 


A  BAD  ACCOUNT  OF  A  GOOD  MUSICIAN. 

EVERY  friend  of  M.  JULLIEN  will  regret  with  us  to  hear  that  the 
p'mr  Moxs.  has  been  again  in  labour-  labouring,  that  is,  uuder  severe 
indisposition.  In  answer  to  a  vote  of  sympathy  which  was  passed 
"with  acclamation "  at  a  recent  meeting  of  the  Surrey  Gardens  Com- 
pany, M.  JULLIEN  is  reported  to  have  made  this  touching  statement : 

"  For  himself,  he  had  been  called  to  the  bosom  of  his  family  to  rest,  but  he  could 
not ;  he  hod  commenced  with  this  aud  he  would  sink  with  it  as  the  last  man  of  a 
ship  should  do.  (Ctieei-s.)  He  had  many  times  gone  into  the  orchestra  when  told 
by  hi*  doctor  that  he  would  die,  but  he  said  it  would  be  an  honour  to  die  in  his 
orchestra.  (Chars.)" 

Now,  we  say  emphatically  [italics  please,  and  capitals]  THIS 
WON'T  HO.  We  cannot  have  our  MONS.  look  forward  thus  lugu- 
briously to  the,  as  he  fancies,  not  far  distant  playing  of  his  own  dead 
march.  However  great  the  honour  of  his  dj  ing  in  his  orchestra,  it 
would  be  but  small  consolation  for  his  loss.  London  cannot  spare  its 
JULLIEJJ  at  present.  How  dark  would  be  November  without  the  shine 
of  his  white  waistcoat ! 

We  are  unaware  precisely  what  complaint  it  is  that  our  poor  MONS. 
is  suffering ;  but  from  words  lie  has  let  fall,  we  incline  to  fear  that  he 
is  not  so  strong  as  we  could  wish  him  in  his  pocket.  It  would  appear 
that  he  is  much  reduced  by  his  connection  with  the  Gardens,  which  have 
proved  to  him  the  reverse,  it  seems,  of  Edens.  We  also  fear  that  his 
economy,  however  much  we  may,  and  do,  commend  it,  has  been  carried 
to  excess.  When  he  tells  us  that  "  the  cost  of  himself  and  family  at 
home  is  not  £2  a-weck,"  we  almost  apprehend  that  he  has  tried  too 
low  a  diet.  We  should  prescribe  him  better  living,  and  to  try  a  change 
of  air,  if  he  finds  he  can  afford  it.  Being  a  composer,  he  must  do  his 
best  in  trying  to  compose  himself,  and  not  give  way  to  such  excitement 
as  his  words  appear  to  indicate.  Perhaps  a  draught  for  his  last  six 
months'  salary  would,  if  duly  honoured,  prove  the  best  composing 
draught^  and  we  sincerelv  hope  to  hear  that  this  has  been  made  up  for 
him.  Eminent  as  a  conductor,  M.  JULLIEN  is  excelled  by  no  one  in 
the  art  of  conducting  himself:  and  if  he  has  not  won  success,  he  has 
"  done  more— deserved  it."  Rich  as  she  may  be  in  musical  celebrities, 


England  can't  afford  to  lose  her  MONS.  if  she  can  help  it ;  and  there 
are  few  but  woidd  bo  sad  to  have  to  join  with  other  mourners  in  singing 
as  a  dirge  their  "  Farewell  to  the  Mountain."  We  have  little  doubt 
ourselves  the  Maestro's  health  would  soon  improve  with  the  improve- 
ment of  his  prospects,  and  that  when  in  better  plight  he  would  be 
restored  to  better  spirits.  Wishing  him  well— both  in  person  and  in 
purse  -  it  distresses  us  to  hear  him  speak  so  ill  as  he  has  done  lately  ot 
himself ;  and  at  all  hazard  we  beg  of  him,  Never  to  say  Die— even  in 
liis  orchestra— however  swan-like  it  might  seem  to  do  it. 


THE  MIDDLESEX  PEER. 

ABOUT  the  elevation  of  LORD  ROBERT  GROSVENOR  to  the  House  of 
Lords,  there  appears  to  be  but  one  opinion.  Everybody  seems  to  con- 
sider that  the  honour  of  a  peerage  has  been  very  well  bestowed  upon 
the  noble  late  member  for  Middlesex ;  but  some  of  his  lordship  s  lormer 
constituents  would  have  been  better  pleased  than  they  are  if  the  noble 
lord  had  been  called  to  the  Upper  House  by  a  title  somewhat 
suggestive  of  his  local  connection  with  themselves.  EARL  or  BRENT- 
FOKD,  DUKE  OF  ACTON,  VISCOUNT  HAMMERSMITH,  are  some  of  the 
titles  by  which  it  has  been  suggested  that  LORD  ROBERT  GROSVENOR 
should  have  been  created  a  Peer ;  and  there  are  those  who  think  that  he 
might  have  been  gracefully  and  appropriately  styled  MARQUIS  OF 
BROOK  GREEN;  whilst  others  wish  that  he  had  been  called  LORD 
WORMWOOD  SCRUBBS.  To  this  last  title,  however,  there  is  an  objection. 
Wormwood  is  suggestive  of  bitterness,  which  has  never  existed 
between  LOUD  ROBERT  GROSVENOR  and  his  constituents,  except  for  a 
brief  period,  when  a  rather  bitter  beer  question  divided  the  Middlesex 
electors  from  their  representative. 


DIRT  CHEAP.— It  is  computed  that  the  effective  drainage  of  London 
would  cost  five  millions.  What  are  five  millions,  to  be  expended  on 
drainage  purposes,  to  the  many  mUlionnaires  of  London  who  have 
drained  the  world  of  millions  ? 


PUNCH,  OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI.— SEPTEMBER  5,  1857. 


THE    ORDER    OF    RELEASE." 

(With  Mr.  Punch's  Apologies  to  Mr.  Millais.) 


MIIEH  5,  1857.] 


,011,   Oil    Til  13   LONDON    CIIAKIVARI. 


101 


THE    HOUSE    OF  COMMONS    EARLY    CLOSING 
ASSOCIATION. 

TEHPOKAKY  OFFICE,  85,  FLEET  STREET. 


PROSPECTUS. 

ATTKNTION  having  been  directed  to  the  over-worked  condition  of 
our  Mri'iheis  ill'  Pailiameiit,  and  tin:  ui<Tnlr,s  protiai'lion  of  their 
hours,  ami  ueek-t,  of  business,  the  humane  1'lr  i  has  b 

.'lai.iou,  with  the  object  of  procuring  them  an  earlier 
,-.  It  is  considered  this  may  be  ell'reted  without,  in  any  way 
impairing  the.  ellieieney  of  Parliament,  or  e.iibin^  any  diminution  in 
the  annual  amount  of  work  transacted  by  the  House.  On  the  con- 
trary, indeed,  there  is  sufficient  reason  to  believe  that  'ative 
body  has  been  weakened  by  confinement,  and  that  by  enjoying  gn 

ition   it   "HI  gain  more  vigour  to  discharge  its   business  duties. 

In  confirmation  oftki*  view,  a  collection  of  statistics  is  now  in  course 
of  nuiking,  by  which  it  will  be   shown  that   (with  but   one  or  two 
ptions,  which  may  serve  to  prove  the  rule1  '  r  Sessions 

have  been  far  more  useful  than  the  longer :  and  the,  detention  of  the 
House  to  ,\l  period,  has  rarely  been  attended  with  much 

legislative  benefit. 

It,  will  theiel'ore  be  tile  aim  of  the  proposed  Association,  to  devise 
the,  means  of  shortening  the  sittings  of  the  House  without  interf. 
with  tin:  standing  orders,  or  curtailing  ill  the  least   the   freedo 
debate.     By  the  plan  they  have  in  view,  every  Member  will  be   still 
allowed  to  speak  as  much  and  as  often  as  he  pleases;  with  this  advan- 
tage to  the  nation,  that,  whatever  his  prolixity,  he  will  not  impede  the 
course  of  bn-iness  by  so  doing.     The  n  'onian  of  orators  will 

be  suffered  unrestrained  expression  of  his  sentiments;  only  instead 
of  his  delivering  his  speeches  "in  his  plae  •,"  he  will  be  provided  with 
a  private  room  until  his  spouting  fit  is  over.  This,  it  is  considered, 
can  in  no  way  be  regarded  in  the  light  9f  a  privation :  for  if  he  were  to 
speak  in  presence  of  the  Speaker,  it  is  more  than  probable  that,  he 
would  either  waste  his  eloquence  upon  deserted  benches,  or  address 
his  arguments  to  those  who,  even  if  they  listened,  would  in  no  one 
whit  be  biassed  by  them.  Moreover,  any  Member  who  desires  it,  will 
be  supplied  with  a  reporter,  so  as  not  to  be  debarred  the  privilege  of 
reading  his  prolixities  in  print.  Such  luxuries,  however,  like  children 
in  an  omnibus,  must  be  personally  paid  for ;  and  to  afford  relief  to 
constant  leaders  of  the  Newspapers,  the  insertion  of  such  speeches  will 
be  strictly  confined  to  the  advertising  columns,  and  be  subject  to  a  duty 
of  certainly  not  less  than  fifty  pounds  a  foot. 

The  Association  will  discard  the  Utopian  idea  that  it  can  ever  serve 
completely  to  stop  the  stream  of  prosy  verbiage  which,  so  long  as 
Parliament  exists, 

"  Labitur,  et  labotur  in  omno  volubilia  Hansard." 

But  although  it  would  be  futile  to  endeavour  to  dam  up  this 
Niagara  of  talk,  the  means  above  proposed  may  at  least  divert  the 
current ;  and  by  providing  proper  outlets,  save  the  House  from 
swamped  by  the  nightly  flood  of  eloquence  which  hitherto  has 
overwhelmed  it.  Members  known  as  fluent  speakers  will  be  placed 
throughout  the  Session  under  strict  surveillance,  and  their  flow  of 
words  will  be  confined  to  private  channels,  so  as  not  to  run  athwart 
the  course  of  public  business.  Thus,  instead  of  the  few  measures 
which  now  yearly  escape  drowning,  there  will  be  in  future  plenty  of 

]  survivors,  and  abundant  crops  of  legislation  will  be  annually  housed, 
wil  hout  such  floods  of  speech  delaying  them  as  heretofore  while  they 
are  being  carried. 

i  ding  it  merely  as  a  humane  institution, .there  is  little  doubt 
that  t  he  Association  will  command  a  fair  support.  But  when  it  is 
considered  what  a  saving  it  will  cause  to  the  national  Exchequer — for 
it  is  assumed  that  "  time  is  money  "  as  well  in  Parliament  as  out  of  it 
— of  course  every  economist,  political  or  not,  will  recognise  at  once  a 
strong  additional  incentive  for  promoting  its  success.  In  the  event, 
however,  of  its  becoming  ever  needful  to  appeal  to  the  public,  there  is 
little  question  that  the  call  will  meet  with  a  most  liberal  response  ; 
and  t'f'tra  may  be  given  at  the  Crystal  Palace,  after  the  manner  ol  those 
which,  in  aid  of  other  Early  Closing  Funds  have  been  lately  held  there. 
i,'  once  a-year  or  so  to  play  at  politics  at  Sydeuham, 
Members  may  nly  upon  obtaining  a  good  audience;  and  the  "Sports 
and  Pastimes  of  St.  Stephens,"  if  properly  placarded,  will  be  pretty 
sure  to  prove  attractive  to  the  public.  'Jhe  announcement  of  a 

\  Wrangling  Match  will  doubtless  draw  as  largely  as  a  Jingling  ditto  ; 

:  and  instead  of  the  amusement  caused  by  Jumping  in  Sacks,  a  hearty 
laugh  may  be  got  up  at  the  way  some  spr  ,  of  jumping  to 

conclusions.     The  sport  of  Drawing  the   Long  Bow  may  also  be 
announced,  in  which  the  Leide.nhall  Street  champions  wUl  distance 
nipetitors;  while  doubtless  crowds  will  flock  to  see  an  Irish 
'•;•,'    Row,  or  such   sparring  as   the   late  set-to  between  the 
gladiator   GLADSTONE  and  the   bruiser    BETHEL.     As   regards    the 
musical  arrangements,  there  will  be  no  need  to   have  professional 


assistance.     The  anti-Palmerstonians  have  not  yet  left  off  singing 
,  and  Mu.  DlUUEl  I  as  well  as  SlK  CHAKLBS  NAFIKII  btill  keep 

up  then  praetiee  in  the  blowing  their  own  trumpets. 

The  success  of  the  Association  being  |'  nd  a  doubt,  there 

can  be  in.  i|ue>iion  <<f  its  proving  of  advantage.     By  shutting  up  those 
gifted  with  the  gab  who  now  obstruct  t  lie  pulilie  business,  tin-  House 
may  put  its  shutters  up  miieh  earlier  th m  loimerly :  and  by  attending 
to  the  maxim  "  Aets,  not  Words,"  it  will  get  through  its  work  in 
than  half  the  time  now  wasted  on  it.    I  Irmbers  thus,  instead 

of  daily  choking  with  their  hasty  chop  in  I'.KI.I. AMY'S,   may  leisurely 

their  wives'  three  courses  and  dessert,  and  spend  their  evei. 
as  they  should  do,  in  the  bosom  of  their  families:  while  the  spo: 
ones  in  I'm  lire  need  be  under  no  forced  to  Spend 

the  twelfth  of  August  in  Committee,  i  their  legs  in  VVest- 

lie  lli^hl.r 

-cwlid  know  the  hem  ,;ly  rising,  it  need  not  be 

i.ied  ho\\  nineh  the  Housewill  b'  I  he  Associ- 

'.ily  hours  will  be  s'l-urcd:   ami  then'  \\ill  lie  an  end  to 
9  of  working  over-time  which  wr  ,  rs  have  of 

late  been  almost  daily  breathing.  Their  health  will  be  n>  more  im- 
paired by  their  too  >  iiabits,  and  thus  their  lives  may  be 
prolonged  by  shortening  their  sittings. 


CONSIDERATION  FOR  DOCTORS'  COMMONS. 

THE  sum  of  £100,000  a-year  is  to  be  divided  among  the  proctors,  by 
way  of  compensation  for  the  business  of  which  they  will  be  deprived 
by  the  Probates  and  Letters  of  Administration  Bill.  This  information 
will  perhaps  occasion  some  imaginative  foreigners  to  conceive  a  great 
idea  of  the  usefulness  of  proctors,  and  of  the  benefits  which  they  nave 
conferred  upon  the  British  public.  Finding  that  the  parties  to  whom 
compensation  b  awarded  deserve  it  about  as  much  as  spiders  do  when 
walls  are  whitewashed,  or  as  rats  when  sewers  are  flushed  or  repaired, 
I  or  when  a  granary  upon  stone  pillars  is  substituted  for  a  barn,  what  an 
;  immense  notion  the  foreigners  of  imagination  must  form  of  English 
1  generosity !  What  enormous  superannuation  allowances  they  must 
suppose  granted  to  clerks  worn  out  in  public  service ;  to  officers  and 
men  disabled  in  fighting  their  country's  battles,  and  to  their  widows 
and  orphans !  If  those  English  make  such  ample  provision  for  eccle- 
siastical lawyers  thrown  out  of  practice,  no  doubt  tneir  charity  is  very 
open-handed  towards  frozen-out  gardeners.  If  they  subsidise  their 
proctors  at  so  enormous  a  rate,  at  what  incalculable  sums  they  must 
pension  their  poets !  Such  must  be  the  reflections  of  imaginative 
foreigners,  if  they  are  endowed  with  logic  as  well  as  imagination, 
and  Know  not  with  how  little  reason  and  common  sense  the  affairs  of 
the  British  nation  are  conducted. 


The  Order  of  Release. 

"  WHAT  a  shame  that  so  many  millions  shonld  be  spent  every  year 
'lose  NAPOLEON  fi-tes.'"    "  Yes— but  then  you  must  take  into 
consideration  the  number  of  persons  that  are  pardoned  on  those  occa- 
sions.   At  the  last  NAPOLEON  fete  no  less  than  1,142  prisoners  and 
received  their  pardons ! "     "  Ah  !   I  sec,  you  would  have  me 
consider  the  extravagance  as  a  pardonable  offence  !  " 

[The  above  was  overheard,  between  two  cupt  of  coffee,  at  the  Cqfe 
Rotonde,  in  !te  Palais  Royal. 


Domestic  Poultry. 

"ALLOW  me,"  said  AKTIIUR,  looking  pleadingly  at 'ANGELICA,  the 
other  morning  at  breakfast ;  "  allow  me  to  send  you  a  little  duck. 
Unless,"  he  timidly  added  in  a  half  whisper,  "that  is  like  sending 
coals  to  Newcastle."  The  little  duek  answered,  that  he  was  a  gteat 
goose,  but  did  not  altogether  louk  as  if  she  thought  so. 


102 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVAKI. 


[SEPTEMBER  5,  1857. 


THE    STREAMS    OF    MODERN    ENGLAND. 

A  COLLOQGY  AFTER  WALTON. 


FISCATOH. 


YKNATOK. 


I 


Ven.  Sir,  well  met.    Since  our 
last  talk,  I  have  bethought  me 

of  yet  one  more  thins  to  say 
in  commendation  of  Hunting, 
wherein  it  doth  excel  Angling. 
Pise.  Ay,  indeed,  have  you, 
Sir?  I  beseech  you,  tell  it 
me.  I  would  be  glad  to  hear 
it  with  all  my  heart.  Pray 
you,  what  is  it  ? 

I' en.  Marry,  Sir,  this.  The 
sport  of  your  foxhunter  lieth 
mostly  on  the  uplands ;  and 
when  he  gallopeth  over  the 
open  fields,  he  doth  breathe  a 
sweeter  and  more  wholesome 
air  than  the  fisherman  who 
pursueth  his  game  in  the 
water-meadows  and  fens. 

Pile.  Yea,  Sir,  but  the 
angler  chooseth  for  his  pur- 
pose a  day  whereon  there 
bloweth  a  fair  fresh  breeze, 
to  make  a  ripple  on  the  water ; 
and,  as  he  walketh,  he  treadeth 
upon  fragrant  herbs,  as  mint 
and  sweet-flag,  to  say  nothing 
of  cuckoo-flower  or  lady's 
unork,  which,  with  colt's-foot  and  marsh-marigold,  doth  abound  in  most  of  our  English 
meadows  Whereas,  your  foxhunter,  in  his  course  over  the  arable  fields,  albeit  he  lack  not 
for  perfume  yet  is  it  of  quite  another  sort.  For  now-a-days,  by  reason  of  covetousness, 
farmers  and  husbandmen  have  taken  to  force  the  earth,  and  do  so  overdress  the  surface 
of  their  land  with  liquid  compost,  that  you  shall  nose  an  acre  thereof  a  mile  off.  Which 


system  of  tillage  a  merry  fellow  of  my  acquaint- 
ance doth  use  to  say  may  well  in  sooth  be  called 
high  farming. 

Fen.  A  mad  wag,  truly.  But,  Sir,  I  shall  make 
so  hold  as  to  bid  vou  note  the  truth  of  an  old 
saying,  which  I  have  heard  my  grandmother 
repeat — "  That  nobody  snuffeth  the  savour  of 
his  own  shop."  To  the  proof  whereof  you  have 
just  now  spoken.  For  not  so  many  farmers  do 
so  overdress  their  lauds  as  to  distribute  thereon 
even  a  small  part  of  the  sewage  of  our  cities 
and  towns.  This,  therefore,  being,  by  the  new 
Health  of  Towns  Act,  required  to  be  got  rid  of 
and  removed  out  of  the  way,  there  is  nothing 
else  for  it  than  to  discharge  the  greater  por- 
tion thereof  into  the  rivers,  which  is  accordingly 
done ;  whence  all  our  streams  are  now  polluted 
to  such  a  pitch  that,  but  for  the  truth  of  the 
proverb  I  spoke  of,  your  own  nose  should,  in 
angling,  be  in  as  great  indignation  as  you  sup- 
pose mine  is,  whenever  I  ride  over  a  newly- 
drest  field. 

Pise.  Sir,  I  confess  there  is  reason  in  what  ; 
you  say ;  and  I  wish  with  all  my  heart  that  the 
drainage  of  our  towns  were  spread  upon  our  | 
fields,  to  the  end  that  it  might  increase  the  bread, 
instead  of  being  cast  into  streams  and  rivers  to 
poison  the  drink  of  Christians,  besides  injuring 
all  the  fish,  except  the  stickle-backs,  which  arc, 
of  no  use,  and  the  eels,  which  albeit  they  live  and 
thrive  in  foul  waters,  are  yet  by  far  more  choice 
and  delicate  when  they  be  bred  in  fresh  clear 
streams,  such  as  the  Test  and  Itchen  in  Hamp- 
shire were  wont  to  be  in  my  young  days.  But 
see,  here  comes  a  milkmaid.  Let  us  have  a 
syllabub. 

Ten.  Marry,  and  so  be  it;  well  thought  on, 
A  most  excellent  thing  on  a  summer's  day ;  yea. 
forsooth,  Sir,  willingly,  and  with  all  my  heart. 


POKING  UP  THE  SEA-COLE  FIRE. 

IN  accordance  with  the  announcement  "in  the  Times'  City  Article, 
"some  persons,"  among  whom  was  Mr.  Punch,  "waited  upon  LORD 
PALMERSTON,  upon  the  subject  of  MBS.  SBACOLE'S  claim  on  the 
Surrey  Gardens  Company."  So  introduced,  the  party  found  immediate 
access  to  his  lordship,  who  received.them  with  much  affability.  The 
following  conversation  took  place. 

Lord  P.  Well,  Mr.  Punch,  how  are  you  ?  Very  glad  to  see  you. 
I've  just  come  from  the  Palace  with  the  Speech.  Would  you  just 
glance  over  it,  and  see  whether  it  reads  all  right. 
'  Mr.  Punch.  Not  if  I  know  it,  you  artful  dodge.  So  you  'd  like  to 
commit  me  to  approval  of  it,  would  you?  You'd  like  to  be  able  to 
say  to  HER  M that  Punch  has  revised  it,  eh  ?  No,  Siree. 

Lord  P.  (laughing).  There's  no  having  you.  Well,  what  can  I  do 
for  you? 

Mr.  Punch.  It  will  be  in  the  recollection  of  your  lordship  that  t 
series  of  fetes  were  recently  given  at  the  Surrey  Gardens  in  honour 
of  MOTHER  SEACOLE,  and  for  her  benefit. 

Lord  P.  I  know.  Very  brilliant,  very  successful,  weren't  they? 
Didn't  LORD  ROKZBY  take  the  old  girl  to  her  stall,  and  didn't  lots  of 
Crimeans  go.  I  heard  it  was  a  great  hit. 

Mr.  Punch.  It  was  so,  my  lord,  and  a  large"sum  of  money  was 
obtained. 

Lord  P.  Very  glad  of  it.  Most  deserving  old  soul,  and  it  will  help 
to  keep  her  deserving  old  body  in  comfort,  She  was  a  treasure  to  the 
army,  and  1  wish  there  were  more  old  women  like  her,  and  fewer  like 
I'AXMURE. 

Mr.  Punch.  Then,  my  dear  lord,  you  will  regret  to  hear,  that  the 
poor  old  lady  has  never  been  able  to  obtain  a  farthing  of  the  money. 

Lord  P.  By  Jove !  0,  but  I  say,  that 's  an  infamous  shame.  She 
ought  to  have  had  the  money  weeks  and  weeks  ago.  It 's  a  case  for 
the  police. 

Mr.  Punch.  It  may  be  hereafter,  my  lord.  But  we  think  that  you 
could  help  us  to  get  justice  for  MRS.  SEACOLE. 

Lord  P.  Anything  I  can  do — by  the  way,  the  Gardens  are  gone  to 
the  deuce,  I  believe  'i 

Mr.  Punch.  My  lord,  the  Gardens  were  in  the  hands  of  a  Company 
which,  a  little  more  than  a  year  ago,  sacked  £32,560,  all  of  which  is 
lost,  and  £20,000  of  additional  debts  have  been  contracted.  Yet  a 
£10  per  cent,  dividend  was  declared  in  October,  apparently  in  order 
to  delude  the  public  into  Inking  up  at  par  744  unissued  shares. 

Lord  P.  What  a  splendid  figure-head  you  have ! 

Mr.  Punch  (modeit/y).  The  ladies  have  been  pleased  to  say  so,  in 


my  time.  Well,  my  lord,  M.  JULLIEN,  the  MONS.,  and  a  most  worthy 
fellow,  at  whose  little  eccentricities  I  have  made  good  fun  in  his  days 
of  glory,  but  whom  I  have  always  recognised  as  a  true  artist,  and  a 
true  friend  to  art, — he  had  the  superintendence  of  their  music,  and  he 
declares  that  he  has  been  defrauded  and  ruined.  He  says  that  they 
owe  him  £6000,  and  that  he  Beyer  got  anything  for  it  but  a  bill  and 
a  cheque,  both  of  which  were  dishonoured. 

Lord  P.  But  where  's  the  money  gone  ? 

Mr.  Punch.  That,  my  dear  lord,  MR.  COMMISSIONER  FANE,  aided  by 
the  very  clever  MR.  LINKLATER,  and  others,  proposes  to  endeavour  to 
ascertain  in  the  Bankruptcy  Court. 

Lord  P.  By  George,  in  the  old  days  Seacole  Lane  was  too  near 
St.  Sepulchre's  to  be  exactly  a  pleasant  name  to  a  bankrupt  who 
couldn't  give  a  good  account  of  himself.  However,  I  hope  M.  JULLIEN 
will  get  something  out  of  the  fire. 

Mr.  Punch.  So  do  we.  But  at  present  we  only  come  in  the  SEACOLE 
interest. 

Lord  P.  I  fancy  it 's  the  SEACOLE  principal  you  want. 

Mr.  Punch.  Very  good,  indeed,  my  lord,  and  very  new,  like  all  jokes 
by  Members  of  Parliament.  And  we  want  you  to  put  on  the  screw  in 
a  certain  quarter,  and  then  we  think  we  shall  get  this  money. 

Lord  P.  And  the  quarter  ? 

Mr.  Pvnch  whispers  to  his  Lordship. 

Lord  P.  (whispers  to  Mr.  Punch).  What !   JIMMY  ? 

Mr.  Punch  nods. 

Lord  P.  But — hang  it — he  wouldn't  collar  the  tin. 

Mr.  Punch.  I  don't  say  so  for  a  moment.  I  believe  him  to  be  a  very 
good  fellow.  He  wouldn't  go  into  Parliament  though  he  returned 
half  of  it— that 's  in  his  favour. 

Lord  P.  You  be  blowed  ! 

Mr.  Punch.  He,  personally,  is  all  right,  I  've  no  doubt,  but  he  has 
been  a  great  man  in  the  Company,  and,  according  to  JULLIEN,  "they 
were  all  like  mouses  in  his  presence."  Now,  if  he  were  to  speak,  some 
mouse  would  probably  remember  in  what  hole  MOTHER  SEACOLE'S 
money  has  been  accidentally  laid  away,  and  would  very  likely  fetch 
it  out. 

Lord  P.  We  '11  see.     ( Writes.)    Will  that  do  ? 

Mr.  Punch  (reads).  "  My  dear  COPPOCK, 

"  See  MOTHER  SEACOLE  righted. 

"  Thursday."  "Always  yours,  P." 

That  will  do.  I  '11  leave  it  in  Cleveland  Piow  as  T  go  by.  We  are 
much  obliged  to  you,  and  so  will  the  old  lady  be.  We  will  not  trespass 
longer  upon  your  valuable  time.  {The  deputation  rises. 


.iDF.a  5,  18.57.] 


CH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CIIARIVAKi. 


103 


Lord  i  o  Mr.  l'u,i,-fn.  Don't  .ynu  yn.     I'll  make  MONCK  or 

with  the  note.      I  want  to  talk  to  jou. 

>.  and  curtain  clot.es  as  Louri  I'Ai.MKnsrnx  retpect- 
J'ully  asks  Mr.  J'/tacA'i  vieies  at  to  the  New  Reform  Kill. 

MORA.L. 

"  MR  CormcK  avid,  that  the  Secretary  had  been  directed  to  furnith 
'//  rrfry  information  she  desired,  and  that  her  claim 

woM  be  .tat i.v/iV'-/."— Times'  Report,  Aug.  28M. 


THE    DIVORCE-BILL    DISSECTED. 


K  Divorce  liill  's  M  Divorce  Bill 

f  )ld  I'AM  has  established  a  clerical  raw, 
Though  GlAWTO  ,  and  SAM  \Vu.ni  roans 

That  what  '»  good  1'ur  a  Duke  is  not  good  for  a.  JoSBS. 

The  haltle  of  tar  ihnenls  is  past, 

The  Ko\  al  assent  is  accoi  ded  ;if  l:ist  ; 

So,  tint  DAUBY  "•  trapped  \>j  no  fallacies, 

Punch  begs  to  offer  this  little  analysis. 

The  Licence  (you  'd  better  have  banns)  is  still  bought 
\\  here  \utli  uT'-e,ly.eyed  ton  •  tt  t  li:  is  fought: 

Thr>  itate  thej  bio*  u  married  men,  ti 

He  who,  seeing  them,  scowls,  hath  said  "  better  or  wus." 

As  regards  divorce  questions,  Punch  gladly  n  •; 
We  'v«  abolished  the  Ecclesiastical  Courts  : 
All  complaints  matrimonial,  for  kill  or  for  cure, 
Are  tried  in  LORD  CUPID-HAM'S  new  Cn/ir  if  Amour. 

Its.ludge  (  with  £5000  a-year)  is  a  cretur 

Whose  title's  true  accent  is  hostile  to  metre: 

llnt  turn  to  your  Litany—  notice  whose  tongue 

May  command  "  other  times  "  when  that  prayer  shall  be  sung. 

re  him  may  practise  a  herd  of  Inquisitors, 
.Barristers,  proctors,  g  solicitors. 

Hi;  takes  Separatinns,  and  small  things  of  course, 
But  a  FuU  Court  (three  judges)  must  sit  for  Divorce. 

Now  DARBY,  perpend.     Should  your  JOAN  go  astray,  — 
Well.  you  'n;  right  to  look  fierce—  but  some  other  JOAN  may. 
Her  DAUBY  petitions  this  Judge  (or  my  Lord 
Of  Assize)  to  estrange  her  fnuii  bed  and  from  board. 

And  if  DARBY  goes  wrong,  or  he  wops  his  poor  Ji 

<  )r  for  more  than  two  \ears  from  her  household  has  flown, 

The  law  has  decreed,  in  its  wisdom,  to  fence  her 

\\  ii  h  the  same  Release-Order,  it  thoro  et  metisd. 

And  while  she  's  deserted,  if  DARBY  (the  beast) 
Intetfcres  with  her  poor  little  i;  .....  Is  in  the  least, 
She  may  go  to  a  Beak,  whose  proceedings  are  quick, 
And  Policeman  Z  1  will  administer  Stick. 

There  ends,  we  must  say,  JOAN,  as  far  as  we  see, 
Any  special  relief  that  's  allowed  to  the  She, 
For  the  Men  m-ike  the  law,  and  so  please  to  observe 
How  it  stands  if  you,  Madam,  from  duty  should  swerve. 

He  may  get  a  Divorce—  that  's  a  grave,  solemn  thing, 
Annulling  the  marriage  and  melting  the  ring: 
And  i  hough  actions  like  those  which  disgrace  us  are  barred, 
He  may  claim  from  LOTIIAEIO  what  juries  award. 

But  ynu  have  no  right  for  Divorce,  JOAN,  to  stir, 
(Save  in  eases  so  shocking  they  rarely  occur), 
F.xeept  he's  so  base  as  from  virtue  to  draw 
One  he  must  not  espouse  —  say,  a  sister-in-law  : 

Or  unless  he  's  been  dreadfully  cruel,  so  had 
That,  (without  other  sin)  a  divorce  .should  be  had: 
Or  uiiltss  in  your  note  of  his  combat  appears 
"  Inexcusable  absence  for  more  than  two  years." 

["What,  the  law  calls  "excuse"  must  remain  to  be  seen. 

It  may  be  much  Natru'ini,',  or  much  Crinoline, 

Or  a  constant  Piano,  a  Parrot's  vile  shriek, 

Or  Your  Mother  his  guest  more  than  three  times  a-weck.] 

That  's  the  pith  of  the  bill,  '  ii*  it  likewise  provides 
That  no  parson  need  marry  divorced  men,  or  brides 
Where  the  party  divorced  was  the  sinner  —  but,  still, 
Any  church  must  be  free  to  a  parson  who  v 


uun  take  note,  ere  with  glances  and  smirk 
lie  a  dastardly  work, 

Tint  he  '-  "ii-d  for  the  wrong  lie  has  done, 

But  is  mulct  in  all  costs  —  most  infrequently  fun. 


iicli  for  the  Act  —  the  mere  naming  its  name 

In  one  home,  of  ten  thousand,  in  England,  were  si 

;'id  Feminine  's  v. 
Uhat  help  for  tuc  wronged  hut  appeal  to  the  Beak: 

(  (11  one  point  it  affirms  let  us  chiefly  lay  stress,— 

gives  the  right  to  redress; 

Vml  t.ha'  c  can  buy 

What  to  NKI.I.Y,  the  Laundress,  tribunals  deny. 

'.horn  you  marry—  when  married,  take  heed 
That  affection  '.s  the  e  ired, 

AIM'  t  as  much  f  and  its  ca 

As  Punch  and  Ins  Judy  —  whom  now  he  embraces. 

n  to  the  word—  gives  her  a  cheque  far  her  milliner, 
mentions  that  fie  AUK  engaged  her  a  house  at  the  lea-tide  —  adtlx 
that  he  iciU  lake  her  anil  her  dear  Mother  to  Richmond  to  dinner 
to-day  —pud  a  new  bracelet  on  her  while  arm  —  salutes  her  —  and 
exit  dancing,  and  Jcridimj  alt  the  Divorce  liitli  in  the  world. 


AX  EVENTFUL  SESSION. 

WE  think  the  Session  of  1857  ought  to  he  long  remembered.  It 
should  for  ages  be  treasured  np  in  the  recollection  of  every  "Oldest 
Inhabitant "  as  a  "  Sessio  Mirabilis."  It  can  boast  of  one  remarkable 
circumstance,  which,  probably,  never  can.  never  will  occur  again. 
That  circumstance,  more  than  any  other,  redounds  to  the  credit  of  the 
Legislature.  It  only  proves  what  our  legislators  can  do,  when  they 
are  determined  to  do  it !  The  great  event,  to  which  we  are  alluding, 
took  place  on  Tuesday  afternoon,  August  the  25th.  It  occurred  at 
ftve  o'clock,  precisely.  Let  the  reader  read  for  himself:— 

"  At  the  end  of.fU-i  minute*' sitting,  the  House  adjourned — " 

There.,  the  great  merit  of  the  past  Session  is  wrapt  up  in  those 
"  Five  Minutes."  Depend  upon  it,  it  will  be  known  hereafter,  to  the 
lover  of  Hansard,  as  "the  Memorable  Sitting  of  Five  Minutes." 
Were  such  Minutes  ever  entered  in  the  Minute-book  of  the  House 
before?  A  still  more  remarkable  thing  is,  that  the  Divorce  Bill  was 
passed  in  those  same.  Five  Minutes.  A  measure,  that  had  exhausted 
every  one's  patience,  and  every  one's  eloquence — a  measure,  that  had 
consumed  more  time  even  than  the  Maynooth  Grant,  and  the  Jewish 
Disabilities  put  together — a  measure,  that  had  given  rise  to  more 
angry  words  than  were  ever  exchanged  between  the  most  ill-assorted 
couple  —  a  measure,  that,  beyond  all  measure,  was  the  longest  in  being 
carried,  backwards  and  forwards,  from  one  House  to  the  other,  to  be 
quietly  passed  in  a  silting  that  occupied  less  time  than  a  lady  t 
Her  bonnet  I  It  is  incredible—but  still  it  n  traa ! 

It  is  needless  to  state  that  Mit.  GLADSTONE  did  not  speak  during 
those  Five  Minutes.     The  reason  of  his  silence  is  very  simple, 
sitting  took  place  in  the  House  of  Lords ! 


CURIOUS  TASIT..—  A  Tradesman  advertises  for  a  General  Servant, 
id  says,   towards  the,   cud,   "  A  Dissenter  preferred."     There  are 
persons  in  this  world  who  have  strange  preferences ! 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  5,  1857. 


"  FOREWARNED,  FOREARMED." 

MR.  W.  WILLIAMS  (the  incorruptible  Member 
for  Lambeth)  directly  he  heard  that  there  was  to 
be  a  new  creation  of  Peers,  rushed  out  of  the 
House,  leaving  word  with  the  servant  that  "  he 
had  gone  out  of  town,  and  it  was  quite  uncer- 
tain when  he  would  return."  He  \vas  most 
particular  in  impressing  upon  JOHN  (his  faithful 
flunkey)  that,  if  any  one  with  LORD  PALMEU- 
STON'S  livery  inquired  for  him,  he  was,  under 
no  threat,  or  bribe,  or  persuasion  whatever,  to 
let  him  know  he  was  probably  to  be  found  in 
the  Exeter  Change  Arcade.  Up  to  the  last 
minute  of  our  going  to  press,  we  have  received 
no  intimation  of  the  honourable  gentleman 
having  been  the  least  disturbed  in  his  hiding- 
place.  L 

Indefinite   Parties. 

A  CURIOUS  question  might  arise  under  the 
new  Divorce  Act.  Suppose  two  divorced  parties 
choose  to  be  married  by  banns,  how  are  they  to 
be  described  ?  They  are  not  bachelors  and  spin- 
sters, neither  are  they  widowers  and  widows; 
in  fact  they  are  indescribable.  Practically,  this 
difficulty  is  not  likely  to  occur.  Divorce  is  stiU 
too  dear  for  those  low  people  who  are  obliged  to 
be  married  by  banns. 


COMMON    OBJECTS   AT   THE    SEA-SIDE. 


Soy.   "  OH  !   LOOK  HERE,  MA  ! 


I'VE  CAUGHT  A  FlSH  JUST  LIKE  THOSE  THIXGAMIES  IN    MY 

BED  AT  OCR  LODGINGS  !  " 


EXTRAORDINARY   LEAP. 

ALL  the  gymnastic  performances  of  the  Circus 
we  have  ever  read  of  are  outdone  by  the  achieve- 
,  ment  of  a  young  lieutenant,  mentioned  in  the 
Report  on  'Purchase  in  the  Army— who  leapt 
over  the  heads  of  seventeen  officers.  His  name 
was  not  DOWB.  _,  

THE  DIVAN. — The  place  where  the  Sultan's 
pipe  is  regularly  put  out  by  the  European  powers. 


SOAPY'S  BRAVADO. 

MUCH  anxiety  is  expressed  in  many  quarters  to  know  what  the 
BISHOP  of  OXFORD  will  do,  now  that  the  Divorce  Bill  has  become  the 
law  olf  the  land.  What  he  said  he  would  do  is  thus  reported  in  the 
Times  :— 

"They  would  observe  thit  the  clause  did  not  affect  the  Bishop;  and  he  avowed 
before  their  lordships,  that,  if  he  knew  i  f  .me  of  f'ese  hired  interlopers  corning  iu 
the  way  he  was  here  permitted  to  do  to  enter  a  church,  he  would  meet  him  at  the 
door  with  an  inhibition,  and  suspend  him  from  his  office." 

If  the  bishop  is  as  good  as  his  word,  the  public  will  have  a  fair 
chance  of  being  edified  with  a  good  old  mediaeval  row  in  front  of  some 
church  in  the  diocess  of  Oxford.  The  bishop  and  his  retainers  will 
plant,  themselves  before  the  church-door,  prepared  to  resist  the  entrance 
of  the  "interloper"  coming  to  perform  a  marriage-service  which  the 
incumbent  has  declined  to  celebrate.  The  prelate  will  be  armed,  if  not 
with  his  p.-istoral  staff,  with  a  common  walkingstick,  and  the  attendant 
officers  will  carry  similar  weapons;  except  the  beadle,  who,  we  may 
suppose;  will  shoulder  a  mace.  Prepared  for  opposition,  the  wedding 
party  will  perhaps  have  secured  the  services  of  a  body  of  police  ;  and  ' 
the  consequence  will  be,  a  collision  between  the  constabulary  staff  and 
the  crosier.  Of  course,  the  secular  power  will  soon  triumph,  and  the 
vanquished  prelate  aiid  his  discomfited  vassals  will  be  walked  off  to  the 
nearest  Magistrate's.  If  the  justice  happens  to  be  a  Low  Churchman, 
ur  it'  his  ).>iineip!es  are  opposed  to  spiritual  tyranny,  he  may  think 
himself  called  upon  to  deal  summarily  with  the  case,  and;  as  a  fine 
would  be  no  punishment  to  the  receiver  of  an  episcopal  income,  to 
commit,  the  right  reverend  SAMUEL  and  his  myrmidons  to  gaol  for 
assaulting  the  police,  and  obstructing  them  iu  the  execution  of  their 
duty. 

But,  though  Brag  is  a  good  dog,  his  bark  is  a  good  deal  worse  than 
his  bilr  that  the  right  reverend  SAMUEL  will 

verify,  on  any  church-threshold,  the  warning,  "Cave  Canem,"  which 
he  has  addressed  to  anticipated  interlopers.  We  shall  be  very 
much  astonished  if  he  even  resigns  his  bishopric,  and  refuses  to 
preside  any  longer  over  a  see  in  which  he  will  be  unable  to  prevent 
the  performance  of  marriages  which  he  has  declared  to  be  contrary 
to  Christianity.  "Jonx  OI.II'-ASTI.E  died  a  mart.ir;  but  this,"  like 
FALSTAFF — if  we  may  be  excused  for  comparing  SAMUEL  to  the  fat 
Knmlit, — "  is  not  the  man."  At  least  if  he  is,  SAMUEL  is  not  the  man 
we  take  him  for. 


PITY  THE   POOR  SEPOYS  ! 
3  ILag  of  iLobe  antf  (Gentleness. 

OH  !  be  not  too  hard  on  the  poor  mutineers, 

Though  your  women  and  children  with  torment  they  slew, 
Though  we  dare  but  to  whisper  their  deeds  in  your  ears, 

Don't  punish  them  more  than  'tis  needful  to  do. 

Though  they  slaughtered  your  kindred,  not  wholly  like  sheep, 
Because  with  fell  outrage  and  fiendish  device, 

Be  content  for  their  errors  to  sit,  down  and  weep, 
If  tears  will  to  hinder  such  errors  suffice. 

If  a  gentle  rebuke,  if  a  tender  appeal. 

Will  render  those  cruel  and  cowardly  sous 
Of  Moloch  sufficient  examples,  a  deal 

'Twere  better  than  blowing  them  off  from  your  guns. 

Do  not  hang  your  black  brothers— to  woman  and  child 
Though  they  did  all  that  devils  could  ever  invent— 

If  by  means  more  affectionate,  gentle,  and  mild, 
You  can  others  deter,  and  cause  them  to  repent. 

Oh  !  pray  do  not  hang  them,  provided  they  dread 
Any  doom  more  than  death  by  the  gallows  and  rope ; 

If  you  know  any  such,  it  will  fall  on  the  head 
Of  each  infamous  wretch  of  a  Sepoy,  we  hope. 


Devotion  to  One's  Doctors. 

THE  amiable  homccopathi?t,  Lor.n  ROBERT  GKOSVENOR,  is  made  a 
peer.  He  might  have  been  an  Earl,  but  he  stipulated  that  the  Boluses. 
which  arc  stuck  on  the  spikes  of  an  Earl's  coronet,  should  be  reduced 
to  Globules.  The  heralds  would  not  stand  this,  so  he  is  only  Baron. 


THE    COMPLETE   INDIAN    LETTER-WRITEE. 

Too  much  letter- writing  has  been  one  of  the  curses  of  the  Indian 
Government.  Nevertheless,  to  any  rebel  who  can  be  reached,  at  the 
present  crisis,  we  should  certainly  "drop  a  line." 


\VUli.m  Br.dk.rr.  of  No  1.1.  I'aprr  Wohuro  Place.  »nj  Frederick  Mullen  £<rr>,of  No.  19.  Quetn's  Fo»d  \Ve.t  It-item's  Turk,  bo  h  In  he  Pimh  of  St.  P.ncras.  In  the  Co.  nty  of  Middle, n, 
Printers.  a>  tbtir  Off.r  in  Lombard  S'reeu  m  the  f  ecincl  of  VtLiuf.Un,  iu  th-  Ctt,  vl  L.,oiioti,  and  pubutn..  d  by  them  nt  No.  Si,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Br  de,  la  the  C.ty  <>' 
London.— 8»ru»u«t,  SrrTiMnmn  o.  1«7. 


12,  1857.] 


OR   Till-:   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


105 


IRRESISTIBLE. 

Jukn  Thomas.  "GET  AWAY,  BOY— GI:T  AWAY,  BOY!" 

Boy.  "SHAN'T!   AND  IF    YKB   DON'T  LET   ME   RIDE,   I'LL   SEND   THIS  'ERE  MOD 
OVEK  YEB  CALVES  !  " 


.MISTIM'ST   OF  THE   MILITIA. 

"  COME,  now,  my  boys,  who'll  serve  the  Qui  • 

Tlie  stout  Militia  BMJMOt  cried. 
"  U'lmy,  all  on  us  ;  but  how  much  green 

Dost  thee  y.ee  here,  old  chap  ?  "  replied 
A  countryman,  and,  like  a  clown, 
He  pulled  one  lower  eyelid  dowu. 

"  All  that  you  says  is  \cry  line, 
I  dares  say  you  lirlirvrs  Mis  true, 

ild  be  glad  enough  lo  jine  ; 
But  mind,  1  baint  a  gwiun  to, 

Afore  'tis  made  quiir  -nrc  to  me, 

That  I  be  to  be  kep  faith  wi'. 

"  I  've  hecr'd  o'  men  as  went  abioad : 
I'romus'd  they  wos.  I  wun't  say  what ; 

I '.nl  when  agin  this  land  they  trod, 
Ton  hhilluiis  was  the  moM  tliey  got. 

Ten  shilluns  only  w;is  the  Mim  : 

And  then  they  said,  '  Be  off'  to  'urn. 

"  No  fear  but  what  they  made  it  out 

In  black  and  white,  all  smooth  and  square, 

So  much  stopped  for  this  here,  no  doubt ; 
And  so  much  owun  for  that  there  : 

The  end  on't  wos  that.  tlu;y  wus  done  : 

Vv'hich  I  don't  mane  to  be,  for  one. 

Then  how  about  the  Transport  Corps, 
talks  of,  and  the  Army  Works, 
And  1  forgets  how  many  more, 

As  went  to  help  they  blessed  Turks  ? 
All  them  have  been  saryed,  up  to  now, 
Except  the  Jarman  Legion,  how  ? 

"  If  I  was  sure  'twou'd  be  all  right, 
I  'd  list  this  moment,  ees,  and  willun ; 

But  otherways  this  cock  wun't  fight, 
Nor  never  trouble  thee  to  drill  "un. 

I'll  sarve  my  QUEEN  and  country  true  ; 

But  not  if  I  bain't  sarved  so  too." 


FIVE  WORDS  TO  THE  WITTY.— Never  joke  with  stupid 
people. 


NEWSPAPER  CUTTINGS. 

.'  ix  and  season  being  over,  the  London  Correspondents  of  the 
Provincial  Press  have,  of  course,  left  town  for  their  estates,  their 
yachts,  or  Foreign  Courts;  consequently  the  journals  are  "hard 
up"  for  those  wonderful  and  instructive  scraps  with  which  a  sub- 
editor, by  plundering  the  "London  Letter"  of  a  contemporary, 
lightens  and  •rarnislies  a  column  of  heavy  matter  of  his  own.  J/V. 
Punch,  in  the  mos-i  kindly  and  generous  manner,  hastens  to  the  assist- 
ance of  his  rollaliorateurs,  and  subjoins  a  quantity  of  "little  bits,"  war- 
ranted new  and  authentic,  which  they  may  snip  oft'  and  stick  in  when- 
ever they  please,  and,  as  usual  with  most  of  them,  without  mentioning 
the  source. 

_  USHER  WHICH    Kix.;.    I'.K/ONIAN?— As  it  is  ncir'.y  ouo   hundred  years   since 

IK  THIRD  ..-ame  to  tho  thntne  of  those  realms,  few  persons  now  alivo  have 

lived  under  more  than  four  sovereigns,  viz.  :— the  above   venerable  monarch,  his 

in,  v,    11  known  for  his  extravagance  and  obesity;    WILLIAM. 

the  Sailor  Kirjg,  and  !!  'K  vcious  MA.H  :  to  the  northern 

part  of  t  \IK.  Wn.iTAii  QUMMEKY,  of  EniieM,  is  an  exception  to  this 

.  hvot  under  six   Knglish  sovereign*.     Thrust  into  the 

roofoflii  ..Ted  on  Tuesday  last, 

what  I. a, I   probably  1>  hero  for  concealment,  and  forgotten,  namely,  a 

purse  o  :'it. 

LORD  M  in,   clovatod  to  the  peerage  on  account  of  his 

literary  merits,  is  the  only  peer  of  the  r.-alm  whoso  father's  name  began  with  the 
.astle't-  ,v0  need  hardly  mention  tho  letter  X,     LORD  MACAU- 

LAY  s  father's  name  was  /A. 

Y.M    Miv  urn,  SKY  THAT.— The  Recess  is  always  selected  as    tho  period    for 
repairing  London   houses,    for  tins  reason.     Tho  occupants  of  such  houses  being 
luually  out  of  town  at  that  time,  they  are  not  exposed  to  the  inconvenience  which 
uld    otherwise    undergo  from    t'  .if  workmen.      MR.   Cox    of 

Finsbnry,   walking,  the  other  day,  along  a  street  in  which  several  houses    were 
fronted  with  scaffolding,  exclaimed,  "  I  wonder  when  London  will  be  finished  ! " 

ADVANTAGE  OF  PUNCTCATIOS.— Punctuation,  that  is  the  putting  the  stops  in  tho 
ri^'lit  pUcae,  ranuot  be  too  sedulously  studied.  We  lately  read,  in  a  country  pa].'T 
the  following  startling 

Common*.     "Loan  I'  head,  a  white  hat  upon  his 

•  but  well  pol:  in  his  brow,  a  dark  cloud  in  his  hand,  his  hiithful 

walkiny-stick  in  his  eye,  a  menacing  glare  laying  nothing.     He  sat  down." 


HER  MAJESTY'S  WIT.— It  is  said  that  during  his  absence  on  the  Rhine,  II.R.H. 
is  under  engagement  to  keep  a  diary  of  his  adventures,  and  to  transmit  it  to  his 
Royal  parents  once  a  fortnight.  The  usual  packet  containing  it  was  brought  in  to 
the  QUEEN  the  other  morning  by  PRINCESS  ALICE,  who  exclaimed,  "  Mamma,  here's 
KDWAKI/S  /Mi/-y."  "Bettor  take  it  to  Papa's  model  farm,  my  dear,"  was  the 
QTKEN'S  prompt  and  laughing  reply. 

ASECDOTI:  OK  C.  BARRY.— "With  whom,  SIR  CIIAKLKS,  after  all,  doei  the  nin  of 
the  delay  in  finishing  the  Houses  rest?"  asked  WI.MJOUNT  VII.LIAMS,  meeting  the 
great  architect  in  Palace  Yard.  *'  I  don't  know  about  the  siu,"  replied  SIR  CHARLES, 
"but,"  he  u'l'ted,  I'ojuling  np  to  tho  glittering  Clock  Tower,  "thero's  the  gilt." 
The  noble  Wiscount  has  been  occupied  ever  since  in  trying  to  understand  what  was 
meant,  but  had  nut  succeeded  when  our  Reporter  came  away. 

YANKEE  SPITB. — A  variety  of  American  drinks  are  now  to  be  procured  at  a  city 
tavern.  Among  them  are  liquids  having  the  euphonious  titles  of  Gum-tickters, 
Neck-twisters,  Kangaroo,  Brandysmashcs,  and  so  on.  The  Anti-English  party 
m  America  avail  themselves  of  these  inventions  to  give  utterance  to  their  desire  of 
wopping  England.  They  say  to  one  another,  "  Let  ls  lick  her." 

CHANGE  OF  NAME. — Wo  understand  that  Miss  MADELINE  SMITH  has  changed  her 
MADELINE  VEBNOS,  partly  in  imitation  of  her  namesake,  MB.   VEKSOS 
SMITH  (who  has  dropped  the  SMITH  in  his  family),  and  partly  for  fear  she  should  be 
supposed  connected  with  a  gentleman  who  has  made  such  a  mull  with  India. 


WONDERFUL  HAUL. 

FRANK  went  out  fishing  one  day  last  week  in  the  neighbourhood 
of  Scarborough. 

This  is  what  our  friend  FRASK  caught  during  ten  hours'  untiring 
application : — 


1  Grayling, 

2  Tench, 

2.0  Sticklebats, 
1  Old  Boot  (««iw  salt), 
7  Tadpoles, 

1  Envelojie   to  letter    (i.i 
-.<  not  legible). 


1  Dead  Cat, 

1  Hatful  of  Watorci 

Lime  "), 

11  Caterpillars,  in  Ditto, 
3  Worms,  in  Hi:'. 
1  Cold  (in  tke  fund). 


(alias  "  Brook 


In  addition  to  the  above,  there  was  also  "  1  Pint  of  Boiled  Shrimps ; " 
but  it  is  strongly  suspected  that  FRANK  bought  the  latter  as  he  was 
coming  home. 


VOL.  XXXIII. 


103 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  ]2,  1857. 


THE    SPEECH    OF    M  ATE  RF  AM  I  LI  AS, 

AT  THE  END  OF  THE  SEASON. 


S  the  Season  is  over,  MATEK- 
i  -\ini.i\s  assembled  Her  beau- 
tiful daughters  in  the  Drawing- 
room,  in  order  to  address  them, 
previqus  to  their  going  to  the 
Sea-side. 

Five  young  ladies,  of  various 
ages  and  different  styles  of 
beaut  y.  responded  to  the  mater- 
nal call.  Their  dresses  were 
limp  and  faded,  and  looked 
care-worn,  as  though  the  vast 
amount  of  work  they  had  gone 
through,  for  months  past,  had 
been  too  much  for  them.  Like 
their  exhausted  wearers,  they 
scarcely  had  a  bit  of  colour  left. 

In  answer  to  inquiries, 
"  "Where  JULIA  was  :  "  the 
Lady's-Maid-in-  Waiting  stated 
that  "her  young  Missus  was 
not  dressed  yet,  for  as  she  had 
a  sick  headache,  she  had  had 
iier  breakt'ast  that  morning  in 
bed." 

The  Boys  having  been  sum- 
moned from  the  stable,  MATER- 
VAMILIAS,  taking  her  seat  upon 
the  large  yellow  damask  otto- 


man, (which  had  had  its  brown-holland  envelope  pulled  off  for  the  occasion),  proceeded, 


,  , 

after  arranging  her  head-dress,  and  giving  a  slight  impressive  cough,  to  address  her  family 


as  follows  :— 

"  My  dear  Boys  and  Girls, 
"  I  need  not  tell  you  the  Season  is  over. 


il.v 
It 


You  all  of  you  want  change  of  air.    It  is  not  onl 
my  opinion,  but  the  opinion,  also,  of  that  worthy  man  and  physician,  DR.  KSIGHTBELL. 

iuty,  therefore,  as  your  Mother,  to  see  that  you  have  it. 

"  The  struggle  with  your  poor  father  has  been  a  long  and  a  painful  one.    For  weeks 
weeks  lie  would  not  listen  to  the  urgency  of  my  entreaties.    Ruin  stared  him  in  the  face. 
:>ense,  he  declared,  would  drive  him  to  the  workhouse.     At  last,  my  tears  have  pre- 
vailed.   He  has  consented  to  grant  you  each  a  six  weeks'  absence. 


"  Letters  of  introduction  will  be  forwarded 
to  you  for  the  wealthy  friends  and  deshable 
acquaintances  you  may  chance  to  meet  during 
your  stay. 

"  Round  hats  for  each  of  you  have  been  placed 
in  your  respective  bed-rooms.  They  are  of  the 
largest  possible  size.. 

"  New  bathing-gowns^  of  an  elegant  ultra- 
marine! Trench  pattern,  fresh  from  Dieppe,  have 
also  been  placed  in  your  trunks. 

"  You  must  be  careful  not  to  get  wet  feet. 

"  Above  all,  let  me  impress  upon  you  strongly 
to  beware  how  you  flirt  with  strangers,  or 
younger  sons. 

"  Your  whole  future  depends  upon  your  dis- 
cretion in  these  little  matters. 

"  I  rely  on  your  good  sense.  I  trust  princi- 
pally to  the  good  example  your  fond  mother  has 
always  set  you. 

"  My  dear  Boys, 

"  It  will  be  your  duty  during  your  holiday 
to  take  care  of  your  sisters. 

''  You  must  do  nothing  to  thwart  their  plans. 

"  You  must  conform  to  the  meal  hours  they 
choose  to  appoint. 

"  You  must  accompany  them  in  their  walks, 
and  escort  them  in  their  donkey  excursions. 

"  You  must  not,  as  their  natural  protectors, 
allow  them  to  go  to  the  Spa,  or  the  Esplanade, 
or  the  Assembly  Rooms,  or  the  Library,  by 
themselves.  It  would  never  do  ! 

"  I  beg  of  you  not  to  introduce  to  them  any 
of  your  smoking,  or  billiard  friends,  excepting 

such  as,  from  their   high  position  in  life,  mav 
i_  _       _ .  _  _•  i j  ,  i. .  _  _  y 1 1_  _  & *   fivi  i      .  /* 


"  It  is  almost  snpei  thious  for  me  to  state,  that  no  efforts  shall  be  left  undone,  on  my  part, 
to  get  those  six  weeks  extended  to  eight. 

"  It  is  with  profound  regret  that  I  cannot  congratulate  you,  as  I  should  wish,  on  the 
success  of  the  past  Season.  The  matrimonial  negociations,  however,  which  have  been  broken 
off  by  the  suspension  of  the  usual  festivities,  must  be  renewed,  with  additional  vigour, 
next  Spring,  and  prosecuted  with  amiable  firmness,  and  yet  dignified  sweetness,  until  carried 


be  considered  worthy  ot  the  favour.    A  Title,  of 
course,  is  always  its  own  introduction. 

"  I  entreat  of  you  not  to  add  to  your  sisters' 
expenses.    The  cold  meat,  which  is  intended  for 
the  morrow's  breakfast,  must  not  be  consumed 
i  over-night  for  your  supper.     Such    an  act  of 
n   .]    greediness,  not  only  will  reflect  on  your  seltish- 
1  ness,  but  will  materially  tend,  also,  to  swell  the 
weekly  bills. 

"  A  pint  of  shrimps  each  will  be  allowed  you 


to  a  favourable  termination, — which,  to  my  mind,  m> 
"  I  cannot  disguise  from  you  the  exalted  pride  and 


>o,  Gnu  j^v  uigmu^i-i  onGCtliCDD,     Uillil    UiU 

d,  means  St.  George's,  Hanover  Square. 


._. soothing  pleasure  I  feel  in  the  signal 

triumph  I  have  gained  over  MRS.  GRUNDY,  in  having  succeeded  in  breaking  off  the  match 

>  u  CAPTAIN  ALBANY  KMCHTSBHIDGE  and  her  youngest  daughter. 
"We  must  lie  fully  prepared  to  act  on  the  defensive  against  any  retaliations  that  may 

-•  from  that  hostile  quarter. 

•ultimo,  it   is  my  agreeable  province  to  inform  you,  that  the  Captain  remains 
our  friend.    jYrqm  a  billet-doux,  couched  in  the  most  courteous  of  words,  which  1  have  just 
1  from  him,  I  am  enabled  to  state,  that  he  has  generously  consented  to  dine  with  us 
Christmas  Day. 

"His  poor  respected  father,  LORD  BARON  DB  BCEUF,  it  pains  me  deeply  to  communicate 
still  lies  m  a  very  dangerous  condition.  The  large  estates  are  fortunately  entailed,  and 
our  dear  friend  ALBAmf  is  the  next  heir  in  succession.  Entertaining  the  very  highest  respect 
for  his  honourable  parents,  ;,,.  M,-,  as  we  do,  our  unfeigned  regret  for  his  deplor- 

able position,  still   we  cannot  help  hoping  that  everything  may  occur  for  the  I- 

I  have  entered  into  a  fresh  neaty  with  MR.  GU.VTKR.     The  terms  are  satisfactorily  in 

our  favour.   He  has  agreed  to  provide  suppers  for  us  next  season  at  One  Shilling  less  per  head 

Ihis  reduction,  however,  is  Dot,  as  might  be  supposed,  to  be  purchased  at  the  sacrifice 

ither  ot  quantity  or  quality,     ihe  number  of  plovers'  eggs    is  to  be  undiminished     The 

plate  to  be  provided  is  to  have  the  same  coronet's  crest.    There  are  to  be  prawns   when 

"  It  is  with  no  unusual  pride,  also,  that  I  announce  that  there  is  to  be  no  change  in  the 
Brougham.  It  will  be  jobbed  next  year  as  usual. 

"This  pride  is  naturally  strengthened  bv  the  fact,  that  stipulations  have  been  expressly 
made,  that  the  coachman  is  to  have  a  new  livery.  This  point  lias  been  amiably  conceded  by 
the  Livery-stable  keeper. 

"Mi/  'leaf  > 

"U  is  my  fondest,  wish  through  life  to  see  you  comfortably  settled. 
(<  You  must  do  all  \  :  1M>  i  hat  anxious  end. 

"  It  grieves  me  to  see  that,  you  have  lost  your  beautiful  complexions  during  the  past 
try  all  .<  ou  can  to  regain  them  amid  the  healthy  breezes  of  the  sea-side 

Hoi  ill  be  provided,  when  necessary. 

Donkey-riding  will,  also,  be  allowed  to  such  of  you  as  are  not  too  proud  to  partake  of  it. 


par  jour— not  one  shrimp  more. 

"  I  have  terminated  a  negotiation  with  your 
dear  father  successfully  to  the  effect  that,  during 
your  absence,  your  pocket-money  is  to  be  in- 
creased. The  rate  of  that  increase  will  be 
learnt  by  yourselves,  when  you  go  into  the  library 
to  wish  your  anxious  parent  '  good-bye.'  The 


smallest  favour  deserves  a  grateful  recognition. 

"  To  that  negotiation,  there  was  only  one 
stipulation  laid  down: — 'All  cigars  are  to  be 
paid  for  out  of  your  own  money.' 

"  It  seemed  only  just  to  me,  that  your  sisters 
have  no  right  to  pay  for  your  smoking. 

"  Before  leaving,  t  hope  you  have  settled  all 
your  bills,  tailors'  and  otherwise. 

"  Ny  dear  Boys  and  G-irls, 

"  Go,  and  enjoy  yourselves,  with  a  due  regard 
to  economy. 

"  Write  to  your  dear  Mother,  as  often  as  you 
can  save  the  postage. 

"  Heaven  bless  you  !  " 

Here  MATEKFAMILIAS  rose  with  affecting 
solemnity  from  the  ottoman,  and  kissed  her 
children  all  round. 

The  ceremony  was  brought,  to  an  abrupt  close 
by  1'u  Mi  BUKECHES  appearing  at  the  door, 
and  announcing  gravely  that  "luncheon  was 
on  the  table  ! " 

We  must,  not  omit  to  mention,  that  the  above 
speech  was  delivered  in  a  clear,  firm,  sound, 
musical  voice,  in  which  the  authority  of  the 
Matron  was  not  less  audible  than  the  affection 
of  the  Mother. 

It  was  listened  to  attentively  by  all,  excepting 

by  the  youngest  boy  (MASTER 'Joi),  who  amused 

himself,  during  its  delivery,  by  wiping  his  dirty 

|  boots  on  the  cat's  (a  genuine  Angola)  furry  back. 

The  House  broke  up  the  next  da.\,  by  taking 
'  i  tamer  from  London  to  Scarborough. 


SEPTEMBER  12,  1857.] 


OR   THE   LONDON  .CIIAIliVAI!!. 


107 


THE  JIARP  OF  Tin:  iii-;i;i;i;\\  MIXSTKKI, 

3  JUo  111,111  rr. 

:iltle  manwitha  dnose 

ilderj 

And  lie  bore  aba"  .lollies: 

Jlr  had  sluns:  i>  loulder. 

And  he-  sang :   "  The  Divorce  Bill 's 

law  at 

Thai     is     something     like    pro- 
gression '. 
I liit   iliedailis   I'ill  overboard  was 

cast : 
\\Y:  -ion'."' 

ad,  and  In;  heaved 
igh, 
Thru   :ii!(iih{-r    mood    cam 

him  : 
And  h  one  bright  black 

almon 
At  the  world  that  passed  before 

him. 
There  was  a  curl  upon  that  lip, 

\\  hen-  icoi  n  for  ever  lin 
And  he  put  his  tin  nose's  lip, 

Ami  he  vibrated  his  finger 

Thus  lie  took  a  sight  at  the  thongfaUeu  crowd, 
Then  lie  fell  in  his  v. :  <-ket. 

li  his  lii-ail  WHS  bowed, 

And  his  little  harp  from  his  vest  lie  drew, 

And  the  street  \*  !.-v.  '.  " 

When  the  Hebrew  Minstrel  struck  it. 


A  YI.Mir.U  IN  A  SLING. 

Do  you  know  who  Bessy  BoiUaa  is  r  Ask  I  he  first  young  lady  under 
five  years  of  age.  whom  you  may  meet.  .She  will  tell  you  that  Jiessy  is 
the  sister  of  Silly  ll'ii/.ia,  l.imii  J/mfi-i;  and  Iwo  others,  and  will  point 
hi  r  out.  In  urn  as  the  thin:  ' .our  hand.  Well,  somebody  has 

discovered  that,  when  nature  utterly  forgot  the  noblest 

use  to  which  the  human  hand  rwn  be  applied,  namely,  the  playing  on 
the  pianoforte,  and  in  her  a  .so  tied  up  Hessy  with  lig'aments 

and  tendons,  that   ihe  /ilomb 

of  her  brothers  and  sisters.     And  sun  csaid,  has  contrived  a 

thing  called  the  Trito-Dactylo-Gj  mna.M.  \\  hieli  is  to  he  affixed  ioBesty, 
and  is  to  enable  her  to  acquit  herself  better  than  nature  intended.  The 
profound  ingenuity  displayed  in  the  title  of  the  invention  is  as  preter- 
natural as  the  thins  itself,  \\hal  Tritons,  Dactyls,  or  (mm: 
have  to  do  wit  h  pianofort  e-playing  we  do  not  affect  to  know,  but  we  are 
iust  as  much  delighted  as  if  we  did.  What  a  wonderful  age  we 
live  in ! 

\\  hat  miracles  of  perfection  our  artists  ought  to  be !  What  a  great 
creature  MKSDF.I.SSUIIN  would  have  been,  had  he  only  had  a  i 
Dactylo-G\mnast  !  \Ycal\\ays  fell  that  there  was  something  wanting, 
even  in  his  most  exquisite  compositions.  It  was  the  want  of  Trito- 
daetylo -gymnastic  treatment.  \Vo  ate  intoxicated  to  hear,  however 
that  Mi,.  KI.IA  has  patriotically  undertaken  to  go  through  all 
MI-.XDKLSSOIIN'S  works,  with  a  Trito-Dactylo-Gymnast  on  both  hands, 
and  write  up  the  music  to  the  mark  the  composer  would  have  attained, 
had  he  known  of  this  unutterably  important  invention.  A  new  era  in 
music  is  at  hand — or  at  least  at  third  linger.  Moreover,  we  observe 
that  "medical  testimony  "  to  the  merits  of  the  machine  is  proffered. 
To  be  sure  the  name  of  the  proposed  medical  witness  is  one  that  would 
not  infallibly  insure  I  he  insertion  of  his  advertisements  in  a  respectable 
paper,  but  that  is  a  trille.  Trilo  Dactylo-Gymnastics.  \Ve  linger 


.   .     .  . 

over— dally  with  such  a  pohrpklowboyothalassesetic  name,  and  mildly 
recal  the  deep  wisdom  of  the  venerable  J.  P.  HAHLKY,  who  quaintly 
remarked  witli  a  grimace  of  disfavour  directed  at  some  polysyllabic 
puff :  "  the  more  Greek  the  more  Quack." 


AN   OLD   GEXTLEJIAX'S   INTOLERANT   ENQUIRY   OX    TUB   OATHS 

l')X    BILL. 

"  1  r  :s  all  nonsense  and  affectation,  Sir  !    Don't  (ell  me.   Why  can't 
K<>Ti!srim.n  take  the  Oath  like  a  Christian,  Sir,  and  so  "put  an 
end  to  tliis  stupid  It 's  cnousrh  to  make  a  Quaker  swear, 

Sir!" 


MOliK    I'M  Sll    AN!)  ISUCK! 

as  for  some  time  of  chronicles 

t,   kissiuu'  •'-'.«,  triuin|jhal 

•Id  lace, 

shoulder. kiujts,  and  shoeburklrs     these   i  the  piiueipil  facts 

own  corn-;  •  u  exhibiting 

tritiah public.     Plaukeyun  is  gem-nd.  .but  purlieu- 

,-    of  all  places   in  Knropr.  when:  it  acliully  I, 
I   runs  out 

:<>it  thus  recorded  by  our  fashionable  contem- 


porary : — 
horses  in  the 


-I  amidst  the 


i      u.lm'-  ,  .     1VIJIL1I     IIU    ' 

shouts  oidellgbt — H'  mhabitautj." 

This  glorious  a  iiiji  will    doubtless  excite  einul.-il  ion  ; 

nndry   Hungarian   llnnkeys  will  tiy  if  they   eannot    exrn-d   the 

vinir  with 
nf  ba-eness  v,  hieli  inspired  '.-inan-liki; 


entuic   reward   i 

with  permi-  ,,•  (hat    of  "  Ili,i. 

I'-right."     '1  -  ln, 

might  be  added  to  the  KIVC 

referred  to.     [n  thai  case,  the  menial  uld   always  precede 

that    of  the  lip,  for  an  --in.     The  polishing,  prclimtmu 

the  prostration,  would,  by  the  v. 
application  of  Day-and-Martin,  but  b\  fiietion  «ith  bread  crumb,  that, 

'''lings  that  everybody  *i 

clean  white  sat :  -ri;  wears 

'  o  liL>  iKjnl . 


A  WORD  TO  TIII<;  AVENGER. 

SOLDIER  !  when  thou,  beneath  thv  bayonet, 

Shalt  iret  a  de\i!ish  Se|i(iy,  save  the  wrelch, 

Safe  if  thou  canst  but  make  him,  for.lu'k    Ki 

His  howls,  which  none  who  heard  them  should  forget, 

Were  lost  amid  war's  uproar ;  rather  let 

The  miscreant  swiu^  ;  ry  throes 

Upon  the  gallows;  but  if  thou  suppose 

That  show  uncertain,  then  exact  our  debt, 

And  there;  in  full:  but  be  not  thou  delile.il 

!'•>  imitation  of  the  accursed  beast, 

\\  ho  babes  and  women  slew  with  lingering  pain. 

Upon  the  wretched  slave  thy  vengeance  {<•:• 

There  stop  :  nor  let  his  guilt  thy  manhood  stain, 

But  spare  the  Indian  mother  and  her  child. 


RIGHTS  AND  CEREMONIES. 

a  cannot  understand  how  the  opponents  of  the  Jews  hold  out 
against  that  persecuted  lace.  The  latter  do  everything  which  their 
consciences  will  permit  in  imitation  of  the  ('hiJMians.  Kveu  in  their 
marriages  we  observe  they  are  now  copying  the  fashionable  pra: 
their  oppressors.  In  the  Times  one  day  last  week,  we  read  (names 
only  altered) : — 

"At  the  residence  ot  the  bride'u  father,  by  tin  Mosrs  AAROK,  auiitrd 

b>i  II,,    ItevEftUtD  SAMI-KI.  ISAACS,  UEUBEX  Moss,  ESQ.,  to  REBICC*,  daughter  uf 

more  can  the  Hebrews  do  to  prove  that  they  are  Englishmen, 
mmiial    follies.      Surely,   after  this   touching 
proof  of  their  regard  for  us,  even  Puseyite  bishops  will  cease  to  be 
obdurate. 


LODGING-IIOUSK  SAYINGS. 

1'ilging-kotvx  ktepert  al  Watering  Placet.) 
key  has  Us  ,1 

A  slice  off  a  cut  joint  is  not  mined. 
An  oiwii  ttti-caddy  is  good  fir  an  oU  sonL 
Meat  and  bread  make  the  cheeks  red. 
Half  a  Leg  is  better  than  no  Leg. 

A  trip  M  tho  sea--;  -  acquainted  with  strange  bed-fellows. 

You  may  take  the  (fin-bottle  to  the  Pump,  until  it  gets  broken. 
Five  fingers  hold  m<-  -rka. 

it  breaks  the  cat's  back. 

Lodgers  find  the  bac«  >  uL,'-keci»erB  cabbage. 

Stranger's  meat  u  the  greatest  1 1  • 

Don't  be  like  the  draym:i?  s  beer,  and  drinks  water. 

ister  you  bone  the  richer  your  flesh  will  be. 


108 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  12,  1857. 


PATIENCE    REWARDED. 

Piscator.  "  A-HAII  !    GOT  YOU  AT  LAST,  HAVE  I  ?— AND  A  FINE  WEEK'S  THOUBLE  I  'VE  HAD  TO  CATCH  YOU  ! " 


LIBEKAVIMUS  ANIMAM. 

WHO  pules  about  mercy  ?    The  agonised  wail 
Of  babies  hewn  piecemeal  yet  sickens  the  air, 

And  echoes  still  shudder  that  caught  on  the  gale 
The  mother's— the  maiden's  wild  scream  of  despair. 

Who  pules  about  mercy  ?    That  word  may  be  said 
When  steel,  red  and  sated,  perforce  must  retire, 

And  for  every  soft  hair  of  each  dearly  loved  head 
A  cord  has  dispatched  a  foul  fiend  to  hell-fire. 

The  Avengers  are  marching — fierce  eyes  in  a  glow : 
Too  vengeful  for  curses  are  lips  locked  like  those — 

But  hearts  hold  two  prayers— to  come  up  with  the  foe, 
And  to  hear  the  proud  blast  that  gives  signal  to  close. 

And  woe  to  the  hell-hounds !    Right  well  may  they  fear 

\  M ••'.•-•;  Miice—  ay,  tlarker  than  war  ever  knew, 
When  Englishmen,  charging,  exchange  the  old  cheer 
For,  "  RBMKKBER  THE  WOMEN  AND  BABES  WHOM  THEY 

SLEW." 

Who  slanders  our  brave  ones  ?  What,  puling  again ! 

You  "  fear  for  the  helpless  when  left  as  a  prey ; 
"  Should  the  females,  the  innocent  children,  be  skin, 

Or  outraged "   Away  with  your  slanders,  away  ! 

Our  swords  come  for  slaughter :  they  come  in  the  name 
Of  Justice :  and  sternly  their  work  shall  be  done  : 

And  a  world,  now  indignant,  behold  with  acclaim 
That  hecatomb,  slain  in  the  face  of  the  sun. 


And  terrified  India  shall  tell  to  all  time 
How  Englishmen  paid  her  for  murder  and  lust ; 

And  stained  not  their  fame  with  one  spot  of  the  crime 
That  brought  the  rich  splendour  of  Delhi  to  dust. 

But  woe  to  the  hell-hounds  !    Their  enemies  know 
WHO  hath  said  to  the  soldier  that  fights  in  His  name— 

"TlIY  TOOT   SHALL  BE   DIPPED   IN  THE  BLOOD  OF  THY  FOE, 
AND   THE   TONGUE   OF   THY  DOGS   SHALL  BE   RED    IHBOI  (.11 
THE    SAME." 


JUSTICE  TO  CODIUNGTON. 

IT  is  only  fair  to  the  late  Commander-in-Chief  in  the  Crimea  to 
let  it  be  known,  that  he  volunteered  for  command  in  India— and  under 
SIR  COLIN  CAMPBELL.  This  was  even  more  magnanimous  than  SIR 
COLIN'S  serving  under  CODIUNGTON.  Nothing  is  so  difficult  as  to  get 
a  little  man  to  stoop ;  a  tall  man  may  bend  without  derogation.  SIR 
WILLIAM  CODRINGTON,  very  wisely,  takes  everything  that  is  offered 
him.  They  offered  him  the  chief  command  in  the  Crimea :  he  took  it. 
They  offer 'him  the  guardianship  of  the  PRINCE  OF  WALES  :  he  takes 
it.  Those  who  appoint  him  ought  to  know  what  he  is  fit  for.  He  wasn't 
fit  for  the  one  post,  he  may  turn  out  admirably  suited  for  the  other. 

Sm  W.  CODRINGTON  is  a  Guardsman,  and  the  beauty  of  Guardsmen 
is,  that  whether  you  are  providing  for  use  or  ornament,  whether  you 
want  a  Commander-in-Chief  or  a  Gold-Stick  inWaiting,  your  Guardsman 
is  equally  fit  for  the  place.  Tarn  Marie  qvam  Mermrio  is  his  motto. 
He  is  warranted  to  keep  in  any  climate,  will  pocket  any  amount  of 
salary,  and  England  expects  him— as  a  general  rule — to  do  his  duty. 


ETVE  THOUSAND  REASONS  for  admiring  an  Ex-Governor  General. — 
LORD  DALHOUSIE  has  handed  over  his  Pension  of  £5000  to  the  Indian 
'  sufferers.    Truly  a  Noble  lord. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.  —  SEPTEMBER  12,  1857. 


%  -    ;£*%>.£• 


JUSTICE. 


' 


SEPTEMBER  12,  1857.] 


ITXCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHAIllVAHI. 


Ill 


A    LAMENTABLE    LAY.    BY    A    TICKET-OF-LEAVE    MAN. 


On,  Mr.  I'tnick,  I'm  nearly  done, 

elth  is  broken  quite; 
I've  arclly  si  rout  li  to  old  the'pen, 
I  '\c  skarslj  pluck  to  rite. 

i  account 
(if  my  Ions:  sad  kareer, 

i  liinuocent 
You  '11  shed  an  'oly  leer. 

•  i  an  as  you 

In  '  Tee 

They  found  me  guilty  of  a  charge, 

And  sent  me  oor  t  lie  sea. 
Ten  ears  tin  u  time, 

The  diai  go  was  borgiaree  ; 

'..ing  of  a  crib,  yer  no: 
Tho,  Sir,  it  wasn't  me. 

>  1  ime  long  enuf, 
1  think  'twas  neer  tlire  ear, 
And  then  they  let  me  01 
My  hinnocens  was  clear. 

cove, 
.•iid  mild  : 

I  hadn't  half  the  vice  they  said, 
Of  many  a  little  child. 

But  I  was  nabbed  in  fifty-one 

And  sent  abroad  a  -'nd  time 

At  guvcrment  s 
This  time  they  gn  • 

!  ttink  I  staid; 

out  because  I  work'd 
lustrus  at  my  trade. 


And  onestly  enuf  I  worked 

Till  onee,  unlucki — ly, 
A  chap  as  look'd  like  me  was  cotched 

some  uus  cly. 

"  He  know'd  'twa->  me.''  tlie  pooler  saiJ, 
"  He  knowM  my  karakteer — " 
0  o'  ooiirs  the  seutens  was, 
•thor  seven  ear. 

That  kanii  ~>l, 

And  what  was  rather  odd, 
I  wasn't  sent  al  me, 

But  kep  at  ome  in  quod. 

•••in  my  constitution  sh 
1  couldn't  stand  a  jail, 

ne  out,  because 
Mj  el  ill  began  to  fail. 

They  mite  as  well  a  kep  me  in, 

And  let  me  die  in  j  i 
Fur  wats  the  use  o'go 

Well 

•mth  that  time, 

\Ylicii  I  was  took  once  more  ; 
And  tried  and  sentenced  to  the  same  . 

As  I  'd  not  served  before. 


very  quick, 

'ime  I  thnrt  I  shud  a  died, 
I  sluid  if  I  'd  staid  there, 

rue  out  to  try 
And  get  some  change  of  air. 


The  present  ear  in  Febury 
once  agin, 

9  seems  to  < 
Fi  lonious  brnkii 

d  a  breaking  out  in  March, 
A  h-. 

And  I.  il  to  plede, 

ied. 

I  cum  on 

Who  treated  me  just  like  as  if 
Mj  sufforins  was  fudge. 

i-n  ;o  now, 
In  n 

U  us  ten  ears  » 

•v  like  this  was  never  meat 

.unish  any 
For  now  tin  id  a  servM 

Mounts  up  to  U. 
The  •  nun  can't  stand  i 

would  fail, 
If  he  were  kep  i 
In  ostermunger  jail. 

just  show  yer  pluck, 
Come  forad  lik 

Bill"  repealed 
.'  session,  i: 

10  use  bothering  like  this, 
:  giving  of  ns  leave; 
\\  by  not  save  all  oxpens  at  once, 
And  GIIAXT  is  A  REPRIEVE. 


I -AND   BRUTES  AND    SEA   BIRDS. 


wo  darlings  of  Mr.  Punch' t  acquaint- 
ance, whose  dear  faces  under  mush- 
room hats  (also  tolerably  dear)  are  at 
this  moment  embellishing  I  lie  beach 
at  Bridlington,  write  to  Mr.  Punch  in 
passionate  lament  over  the  disappear- 
ance of  sea-birds  from  Flambqrough 
'1.  "  The  idle  cruel  visitors," 
with  most  pardonable 
rity,  "have  exterminated  them 
by  their  incessant  firing.  Not  a  bird 
D  be  seen  on  the  rocks — one  m 
two  may  occasionally  —  very  rarely 
though— be  seen,  over  the  sea,  as  far 
away  as  possible,  flapping  slowly  past 
in  a  reproachful  sad  manner.  Pretty 
innocents  !  it  does  seem  shameful,  that 
;  ihey  have  inhabited  the  rocky 
ledges  al  Flambro*  for  so  many  hun- 
dred years  unmolested — even  when  England  was  peopled  by  the  most 
uncivilised  tribes— now  in  these  modern,  enli  nues"  (LEILA 

D  underline  these  words  of  bittere-- 
lier  for  n  ptatum),  "they  should  be  completely  ev 

law  could  be  passed  to  prevent  this  shooting." 
A  law,  yon  green  darlings!    How  the  women  Delieve  ii 

lie  law  can  prevent  everything  objectionable,  fr< 
rards.     "  U  hy  not  Hull  laws  as  well 

u'ulls,  my  darlings,  and  that  it  is 
protect  and  perpetuate  certain 
nig  is  pre  a  sport 

is— for  hard-hearted,  bloodthirsty,  beer-swilling,  lazy  snobs,  who 
think  it  line  fun  to  lull  in  a  boat,  or  on  a  cliiF,  in  the  sunshine,  and 
I  ay  into  a  snowy  cloud  of  happy  harmless  gulls.     It  requires  no 
skill,  and  the  snob  has  no  skill.    The  bird  when  shot  is 

b  kills  for  killing's  sake.    He  is  depriving  the  coast  of  one  of 
ly  and  graceful  living  things;  but  the  snob  has  no  per- 
ception of  beauty,  or  grace,  or  purity  qt  plumage,  or  pv 

a  callow  brood  in  the  rock  cleft,  that  will  wail 

and  wail  to-night  and  to-morrow  for  the  parents  that  lie  stiff  and  stark 

•let  wings,  all  rumpled  and  dashed  with 

blood—:  of  the  cliff,  or  float,  wild  and  wandering  corpses,  at 

u  the  unresting  sea. 
And  the  wail  of  the  abandoned  nestlings  will'  wax  fainter  and 


fainter,  till  it  rings  nrtlonger  through  the  rock  caverns,  and  the  whole 
brood  lies  dead  and^^^Bto  hang  with  the  murdered  parents,  let  us 
hope,  in  another  and  a  better  world,  round  the  neck  of  the  snob- 
murderer,  as  the  Albatross  round  the  neck  of  the  Ancient  Mariner. 
'  writes  in  the  same  strain  as  "  LEILA."  "  Besides  the 
extreme  dulness  and  disfigurement  of  it,"  she  says,  "it  made  us  sad 
to  think  of  th;  barbarous  and  wanton,  and  stupid"— 

("LuY"is  evidently  of  a  i  piles  up  her  epithets 

much  more  frcoy  tlian  the  gentler  "  LEILA  ")— "  always  to  be  sin 
the  pretty,  foolish,  harmless  birds.  .  .  Wli; 

!  and  it  is  so  era"'..  We  found  two  left  upon  the  cliti'-tops— oh,  horrible ! 
i  it  made  us  quite  sick,  and  so  angry  ider;— would  wi 

been  by  when  the  snob  perpetrated  these  murders — and  had  found 
him  not  too  big  to  bully,  or  even  to  thra-ii,  if  he  had  n 
interference.    But,  had  he  been  as  big  as  GOLIATH,  we  might  have 
tackled  him,  for  it  is  certain  he  was  coward  as  well  as  snob. 

In  the  name  of  aJl  that  is  manly  and  gentle,  Mr.  J'uxch  protests 

against  this  cruel  am1  .nighter  of  these  bright  and  harmless 

'iigs,  who  float  like  bird-angels  between  the  blue  above  and 

i 'lite  below,  and  whose  wailing  music  makes  so  line  a  treble  to  the 

rolling  organ  basses  of  the  great  sea.    Only  let  the  darlings  in  mush- 

-  make  a  point  of  rating  every  suob  they  see  at  the  work, 

telling  him  what  they  think  of  it,  as  eloquently  and  naturally  as 

our  dear     LKII.A  "  and  "  Luv  "  have  done  in  their  letters.     The  snob 

is  hn  -  not  incapable  of  shame,  especially  when  the  scorn  he 

merits  is  poured  out  upon  him  from  rosy  lips  and  flashed  from  bright 

eyes.     A  'ortsniau  denounce,  by  act.  and  v. 

theory  and  practice,  this  odious  and  cruel  abuse  of  the  gnu. 

So,  let  us  hope,  these  gentle  visitants  of  the  shore  and  sea-cliff  may 
be  wooed  \r  old  homes  and  haunts,  and  the  white  wings 

once  more  rellect   the  sun  above  the  angry  (ierman  Occai. 
the  sad-voiced  scream  be  heard  as  of  old  through  the  raving  of  the 
waters  about  the  rocky  foot  of  Fla-.nbro.' 


What  a  Shame  ! 


TIIK  rudeness  of  the  lower  orders,  especially  of  Members  of  Pall 
ubs,  is  perfectly  odious.  Now  that  Tavistock  has  handed  over 

its  representative  to  the  Metropolitan  County,  as  colleague  to  MR. 
IIY  (the  eminent  brewer)  the  vulgar  creatures  say  that  the 

Members  for  Middlesex  arc  BVNG  and  \- 


THE  LOXDON-  COOK'S  COMPI..UST  (at  this  time  of  tke  yfar)  TO  HZK 
FAITHFUL  'L  1.— The  rolling-pin  gathers  no  ci 


LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  12,  1857. 


KniMes,  Jun.  hears  that  the  later  you. fish  in  an  evening,  the  more  likely  yon  an  to  catch  somethiny. 


He  never  tries  it  again. 


THE  HEAT  OF  THE  WEATHER. 

\Vi:  hope  the  following  fact  will  be  fully  cre- 
dited, for  it  is  far  too  wonderful  to  be  pooh- 
pooliishly  doubted.  The  Heat  of  the  Sun  was, 
on  Thursday  last,  so  powerful  at  Filey,  in  York- 
shire, that  a  Negro,  who  went  to  bathe  in  the 
Sea,  was  discovered,  upon  emerging,  to  have 
changed  colour  from  a  deep  black  to  a  beautiful 
bright  red !  From  head  to  toe,  fa  was  as  red  as 
a  boiled  lobster!  This  singular  change  of  cu- 
ticle has  been  attributed  entirely  to  the  extra- 
ordinary warmth  of  the  water.  The  poor  fellow, 
who  was  footman  in  a  rich  lawyer's  family,  upon 
losing  his  natural  colour,  immediately  lost  his 
situation ;  but  we  are  glad  to  state  that  he  has 
since  been  engaged,  at  a  liberal  salary,  by  a 
humane  Doctor,  for  the  purpose  of  trying  ex- 
periments upon  his  skin.  It  will  be,  also,  his 
business  to  stand  outside  the  Doctor's  street- 
door  during  the  night,  so  as  to  act  in  the 
double  capacity  of  Watchman  and  Red  Lamp. — 
Abridged  from  the  Yorkshire  Dumpling. 


A  Wise  Doctor. 

A  DOCTOR  in  large  practice  was  in  the  habit 
of  sending  out  some  wonderful  lozenges  to  his 
patient  s — but  his  patients  never  received  them. 
At  last,  it  struck  the  Doctor  that  the  lozenges 
were  of  the  exact  size  of  a  sovereign.  For  the 
future,  he  took  the  precaution  of  writing  on  the 
envelope,  "No  Money  Inside ;"  and,  strange  to 
•say,  every  one  of  his  lozenge-letters,  so  directed, 
arrived  safely  at  its  destination ! 


THE  DIVORCE  DRAMA.— "Half-price  has  begun.' 


THE    CAPTIVE. 
After  STEKNE. 

THE  bird  in  his  cage  pursued  me  into  my  room.  I  sat  down  close 
to  my  table,  and  leaning  my  head  upon  my  hand  I  began  to  figure  to 
myself  the  miseries  of  confinement.  I  was  in  a  right  frame  for  it,  and 
so  I  gave  full  scope  to  my  imagination. 

I  took  a  single  clerk  in  the  Circumlocution  •  5mce,  towards  the  close 
of  August;  and  having  first  shut  him  up  in  his  room,  I  peeped 
through  the  key-hole  to  take  his  picture.  I  beheld  his  body  limp  with 
the  heat  of  London,  and  felt  what  kind  of  sickness  of  the  heart  it  was 
which  arises  from  being  low  down  in  the  office,  and  not  getting  away 
1ill  everybody  else  has  nad  his  six  weeks  of  vacation. 

Upon  looking  nearer,  I  saw  him  pale  and  feveiish :  from  ten  to  four 
daily  for  ten  months,  lie  had  pined  in  that  apartment ;  he  had  had  no 
lark,  no  outing  in  all  that  time.  As  for  amusement 

But  here  my  heart  began  to  bleed,  and  I  was  forced  to  go  on  with 
another  part  of  the  portrait.  He  was  sitting  on  his  chair  in  the 
further  corner  of  the  room,  before  the  table  which  was  alternately  his 
desk  and  footstool— a  pad  of  blotting  paper  lay  before  him  scored  all 
over  with  the  vague  scrawls  which  had  occupied  so  many  of  the 
dismal  days  he  had  spent  there — he  had  one  of  these  sheets  before  him, 
and  wit  h  a  steel  pen  he  was  adding  another  aimless  flourish  to  the 
melancholy  ma/r. 

As  my  presence  at  the  key-hole  diminished  the  small  stock  of  fresh 
air  he  had,  he  lifted  up  a  hopeless  eye  towards  the  ARNOTT'S  venti- 
lator—then cast  it  down — snook  his  head — and — went  on  with  his 
work  of  atfiii  •• 

I  observed  his  patent  leather  boots,  as  he  wearily  threw  up  his  legs 
upon  the  table — he  laid  down  his  pen,  and  took  up  the  second  edition 
of  the  /  :;ive  a  deep  sigh — I  saw  the  iron  of  the  Civil  Service 

enter  his  soul — I  burst  into  tears — I  could  not  sustain  the  picture  of 
confinement  which  my  fancy  had  drawn— I  started  up  from  my  chair, 
and  calling  the  servant,  bade  her  order  me  a  cab  for  the  Dover  Station, 
and  have  it.  ready  at  the  door  by  nine  in  the  morning. 

I'll  go  directly,  said  I,  and  have  six  weeks'  fresh  air  somewhere. 
Let  my  publishers  say  what  they  will. 


THE   POPE  S  PROGRESS. 


Pius  paused  long  before  returning  to  the  Vatican.  Was  he  pondering 
over  the  Dutch  proverb,  "  Hoe  verder  tan  Rome,  hoe  wider  big  God," 
which  means,  "  The  farther  from  Rome,  the  nearer  to  God  ? " 


THE   JUNIOR  IRISH   BRIGADE. 

A  NEW  Irish  Brigade  is  about  to  be  formed  under  the  auspices  of 
the  Brotherhood  of  ST.  VINCENT  DE  PAUL.  This  Brigade,  however, 
is  to  be  established,  not  for  the  purpose  of  impeding  legislation,  in 
the  interest  of  Popery,  but  for  that  of  cleaning  boots.  It  is  to  be 
denominated  the  Catholic  Shoeblack  Brigade,"  and  is  to  consist  of 
poor  Irish  boys,  many  of  whom  at  present,  instead  of  picking  pockets, 
go  and  enrol  themselves  in  the  Protestant,  or,  at  least,  the  Pro- 
miscuous Shoeblack  Brigade— to  the  great  peril,  as  their  priests 
consider,  of  their  souls.  How  Catholic  shoeblacks  are  to  endanger 
their  souls  in  combining  with  Protestant  shoeblacks  to  scrub  upper 
leathers,  is  a  mystery  which  we  will  not  shock  those  who  believe  in  it 
by  attempting  to  fathom — we  will  only  suggest,  that  the  establishment 
of  a  Catholic  Brigade  of  Shoeblacks  is  drawing  the  principle  of 
exclusiveness  rather  fine.  Indeed,  the  idea  of  the  thing  is  so  ridiculous 
that  most  people  will  probably  ascribe  it  to  the  imagination  of  Punch. 
Not  so ;  we  should  have  been  proud  of  the  notion :  but  we  are 
indebted  for  it  to  the  Weekly  Register,  a  Roman  Catholic  paper,  and 
not,  on  the  whole,  a  rabid  one.  That  journal  appeals  to  its  readers 
for  the  support  of  this  scheme  for  the  admixtiou  of  theology  with 
blacking. 

The  project  is  not  likely  to  be  self-supporting.  Catholic  boots  are  a 
small  minority,  which  is  made  yet  smaller  than  it  might  be  by  some 
friars  who  dispense  with  everything  of  the  kind.  To  be  sure,  that, 
perhaps,  is  no  reason  why,  particularly  if  they  are  Irish  friars,  they 
should  not  employ  shoeblacks.  "BRIAN  O'LyNx,"  as  we  all  know, 
'had  no  shoe  to  his  fut."  Accordingly,  as  is  also  well  known  to  every- 
body, "  he  tuk  and  he  blackened  it  over  with  sut,"  &c.  &c.  It  might 
not  'be  against  the  laws  of  the  barefoot  Hibernian  fraternity  to  extem- 
porize apparent  brogues  by  the  simple  help  of  the  Catholic  Shoeblack 
Brigade.  Whatever  amount  of  success  that  force  may  obtain,  we  shall 
be  agreeably  disappointed  to  hear  of.  We  do  not  at  all  object  to  the 
Brigade,  although  we  consider  it  an  absurdity.  It  is,  at  all  events,  not 
a  mischievous  and  quasi-treasonable  confederacy,  and  the  work  which 
it  will  do,  if  it  docs  any  work  at  all,  will  be  far  less  dirty  than  what 
has  been  done  by  that  other  Brigade  which  was  organized  by  the  Irish 
Priesthood.  

A   CAPITAL  OPFENCE. 

LONDON,  with  its  Trafalgar  Square,  its  National  Gallery,  its  con- 
temptible fountains,  its  ugly  monuments,  its  architectural  deformities,  is 
decidedly,  as  measured  by  Paris,  or  other  capitals,  a  CAPITAL  Of  PENCE  1 


Sen  '-'.  1857.] 


.C1I,    OIL    Till:    L«  i    niAKlYAUI. 


113 


HOW    MEN    OF    BUSINESS    DO    BUSINESS. 

clr/i  of  the  Proceedings  at  a  /•  ">i  example  In  "  He  Chutes 

whom  City  men  aj/'ect  to  dttpue." 

II  K    General    Meeting   of  the 

..'Mi'l  hursday 

.1   crowd  was  observed 
round  the  shop  of  a  n 
able   i 

tin;    hull,    some    time 
the  opening  of  the  doors,  and 
rtained    that,    dis- 
all'ected      si  wen' 

making  large   investments    in 

Mini    hard 

In  a   few   minutes   from   the 
opening,     every     spot      from 
of  the 

platform     v  .!<:    had 

been  oeeupicd. 

•.  elve  o'clock  I  lie  Chair- 
wit  h  other  directors,  and  a 
tremendous  volley  of  peas  in- 
stantly rattled  across  the  hall. 
The  Chairman,  with  a  calm 
smile,  put  up  his  umbiella. 
and  under  its  cover  pn. 
to  his  place,  and  took  his  seat. 
The  assailants,  unwilling  to 
exhaust,  their  ammunition  early  in  the  campaign,  ceased  firing,  aud  began  yelling.  A 

ation  of  half  an  hour  of 'this  kind  of  remonstrance,  il  u .   I  as    permitted  to 

speak,  wiii  n  by  a  fevi  riticisms,  and  illustrative  ii"i 

The  ( '.  aid  that  there  was  no  doubt  the  Railway  Company  h»d  been  shamefully 

robbed.  \l  ring  of,  "All  your  fault,"  "  l/«"-'s  !/n>>>-  j'ri<  ,/>/ i,i  ?/a>.i.'  ni^hl 

be   said,  that  it  was  a  disgrace  to  the  managers  of  the  company  not  to  have  selected  w< 
servants,  and  to  have  exercised  more  vigilance,  ("fio  it  /'*/")  but  he  treated  such  remarks 
with  scorn  and  contempt.     ("Yah!  faff"]     Thc\  were  the  kind  of  remarks  a  ribald  press 
conducted  In  anonymous  scribblers  in  garrets,  would  make  ("Yah!  Yah !  ")  and  he  felt  that 
commercial  men,  men  of  business,  ought  not  to  heed  such  censures. 
A  VOICE,  (in//  <  'olumhas. 

The  CHAIRMAN.  What  has  Columbus  to  do  with  railways?  he  didn't  discover  them,  he 
discovered  America,  and  you  ought  to  know  it,  Sir,  though  no  amount  of  ignorance  in  such  a 
meeting  would  astonish  me. 

Here  the  meet  inn  hastily  passed  an  unanimous  resolution  to  give  the  Chairman ; 
volley  of  peas,    and    did;    and    a  prefeicnce.  sharcholdei   having   dexterously  purloinr 
umbrella,  ised  to  the  rude   pelting  of  the  pitiless  storm,     lie  bore  it 

manfully,  aud  took  advantage  of  a  lull  to  exclaim  :  "Bou'your  peas,  gentlemen,  next  time,  if 
you  please."  Order  bring  at  length  restored, 

The  C  hat   i  he  nc\t   point  was  to  decide,  who  should  bear  the  loss  caused 

by  tin:  villain  of  t  heir  official.)  ("  I'o/tf  you.'")  That  was  simply  infernal  nonsense,  and  he 
would  call  the  police  if  they  made  such  asses  of  themselves.  (Immense  uproar.)  Would 
they  hear  him  now?  (Yelln.t  I ),  very  well.  Take  your  time,  Miss  Lucy. 

A  SHAREHOLDER  from  the  body  of  the  hall  here  roared,  that  if  the  Chairman  dared  to  call 
him  Miss  LUCY,  he  would  come  round  and  darken  his  daylights. 

The  CHAIRMAN  would  like  to  see  the  honourable  shareholder  at  it.  (A  shower  of  peas.) 
He  thought  that  the  meeting  was  a  waste  its  money  in  peashooting,  instead  of 

0  help  to  pay  their  losses.    (Uproar).    You  know  you  mn- 

foolish  idiots,  continued  the  Chairman,  and  I  can  make  you,  and  I  will.     (Shame!) 
the  shame  is  with  a  set  of  fellows  who  hesitate  to  pay  what  they  ought  to  pay.     (A  shaver 
of  peas.) 

A  VOICE.  The  law  decides  that  the  preference  shareholders  are  not  liable. 
The  CHAIUMAN.  I  decide  that  they  are,  and  1  am  law  here,  my  dear  friends. 
A  VOICE.  Lex  no*  scrip/a. 

The  CHAIRMAN.  Don't  talk  about  Scripture  in  that  profane  way,  Sir,  or  I'll  have  you 
drag  |  the  collar,  1  will,  by  Jupiter.  Now,  gentlemen,  I  propose  that  we  | 

it  ing  the  liability  of  all  of  you  to  pay  these  losses.     (A  roar  of  indignation, 
••liouling  to  be  able  to  blow  through  the  tin  tubes,  jfHar/t  its 
huts  n!  -.\  \x.) 

The  Cu.MiiMAX.  (ieiitlemeu,  your  hais  maybe  felt,  but  I'm  banged  if  your  remonstrances 
are.  (Frantic  :'-if/i  /v/v,  Hie  nin-t  «<1  shtik?s  itxjixts  ut  !//*'  /  'Imir.  The  CH.UK- 

M  ,\x  smiles,  but  his  cousin,  seated  near  him,  lakes  a  double  sight  at  the  meeting,  on  /chich  the 
yells  are  redoubled,  with  cries  of  Shame!  Chair,  chair!) 
The  CIIMKMAN  ililaiitlhi).  \Vhat  is  your  plc-i 
The   \1 1:1  ii  M:.   I'm  tloH  n  join  cousin  for  his  insolence. 

The  CHAIRMAN.  1  shall  do  nothing  of  the  kind.  He  would  not  be  my  cousin  if  he  did  not 
take  a  sight  at  anybody  who  annoyed  him.  I//  ''-fence  shan  ilHng-ttirt 

at  it/I-'  \rable  CM  HUMAN  !     If  the  fellow  who  flung  that 

will  claim  it  after  the  meeting,  I'll  tan  his  objectionable  hide  for  him  until  he  asks  me  to 
leave  oil'  (confusion).  Now,  then,  for  the  resolution  I  have  suggested.  (Roan  of  indignation, 
catcalls,  anil  yells.) 


The  I  ..  we  are  p 

i  nt  imr- houses,  and 
'  books, 
ues  the  pn. 

capitalist  fro  straw,  and  therefore  it 

us  to  act  as  such.    We  have  blundered 
frightfully,  and  w>  n  done  dreadfully, 

and  nov, 

I  've  got  lots  of  proxies,  in  my  pocket, 
and  I  shall  do  the  thing  my  own  way;  and  as 
you  w<>;  :  ian,  I  shall  adjn 

.  ith    you.      (Tremendous 
sensation). 

A  SH  •  I  say,  old  fellow,  I 

••>e  to  you.    Answer  this,  uo\v.     :~ 

that 

The  r  I'm  not   such  a  DAM  fool  as 

,lion. 

utterly  unsovern- 
able  ;  chairs   were   hurled  at  the  d 

iiaieholdcrs  calling  to  clear  a 
i  form,  that   they  mi-'lit    In  i 
bear  on  the  Chairman  in  the  light,  of  a  battering, 
ram,    while    •  ss    pea- 

shooters,   hats,  and  the   legs  of  chairs. 

•in,  unable  to  be   heard,  held  up  a  large 
sheet  of  paper  on  which  he  had  written  "  Go  T'  > 
il  amid   the  increased  fury,  rushed 
-    colleagues.      The   other 

i  uindeliers,  masonic 
tows,  then  separated  without 
doing  further  dan 


THE  BLACK  BROTHERS. 

To  neither  of  the  parties  mentioned  in  the 

following  dialogue  is  -I/A  Pltnch  in  the  habit  of 

nent  allusion.    He  hopes,  indeed, 

will  come  when  it  will  be  deemed 

^BpdecoMius  to  name  one  of  them  in  polite 

low  is  to  name  the  other.    But  as  a 

ml  an  Attorney  are  seldom  brought  into 

•ing  juxtaposition  as  in  the  following 

'•ial  dictum,  Mr.  Punch  may  be  pardoned 

'ion  to  it. 

A  vicious  painter  was  charged,  the  other 
.  at.  the  Thames  Police  Office,  with 
aMBnltang  a  dock  otliccr.  The  latter  seems  to 
have  borne  a  good  deal  of  insolence  from  the 
prisoner,  but  finally  to  have  referred  him  to  the 
spiritual  enemy  of  mankind.  On  the  hearing, 

"  The  prisoner  persisted  that  a  pawnbroker's  duplicate 
was  taken  from  htm.  and  said  Mn.  SHKPPARD  was  a  pretty 
kind  of  a  superior  officer  to  tell  him  to  go  to  the  Devil. 

"Ma.  YARDI.IY.  But  not  until  you  made  a  disturbance, 
and  threatened  him  with  the  Attorney." 

The  excellent  Magistrate's  estimate  of  an 
Attorney,  and  his  r  the  bringing  up  the 

other  bad  personage  as  a  mere  case  of  eauitablc 
"  quits  "  will  probably  be  approved  by  all  well- 
informed  readers.  It  occurs  to  us  to  add,  as 
utterly  irrelevant,  that  MR.  YARDLEY'S  ] 
in  the  right  place,  and  is  a  heart  of  oak,  pro- 
Inbly  the  Yardley  Oak  immortalised  by  the  poet 
COWPER. 


VI  VAT*"  VICTORI A  REGIA." 

A  WAIOI  little  corner  has  been  built  for  the 
Great   Water  Lily,  the   Victoria  Begia, 


at  an 
It  is  evi- 


,   the 

se  of  £3000,  in   Kew  Gardens, 
dently   nourishing,  and   looks   remarkably  well. 
an  admirable  opportunity  of  repeat- 
ing rather  a  clever  thin  attributed  to 
]Urs.Ju(/!/'s  esteemed  friend,  DR.  LOCOCK.   Being 
asked  by  a  lady  of  rank  why  the  plant  was  called 
Victoria  Rer/ia,  he   gallantly   replied,  "Doubt- 
mt    of    compliment     to    MRS.    LILI.IE, 
'  The  connection  of  ideas  is  not  perfect  ly 
established,  but  still  we  maintain  that  this  pretty 
" flower  of  speech"  is  exceedingly  clever 
I  for  a  Doctor. 


114 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  12,  1857^ 


symbols,  and,  in  as  far  as  they  were  circulated,  such  is  the  purport  of 
the  conspiracy." 

Mr.  Punch  can't  say  that  he  exactly  understands  how  symbols  ol 
heaven  and  mercy  can  he  appropriate  to  a  conspiracy,  signalised  chiefly 
by  assassination  a'nd  robbery,  and  the  outrage  and  massacre  of  unresisting 
women  and  innocent  children.  So  he  bowed  his  head  over  the  lotus- 
flower  of  the  Great  Asian  Mystery,  in  meek  ignorance,  and  cried  in  his 
heart :— "  Great  is  DISRAELI  ! "  and  waited  patiently— like  a  priest  of 
Tentyra,  on  the  borders  of  Old  Nile— for  the  unfolding  of  the  fotus. 

And  then  there  perched  at  his  elbow  a  little  bird  from  Leadenhall 
Street,  skilled  in  the  tilings  of  the  East,  and  sang  this  Ghazul:— 

"  Lift  up  thy  head,  oh  Pvnch,  and  let  thy  soul  be  comforted  within 
thee. 

"  The  lotus  is  a  mystery  after  the  manner  of  the  mysteries  of  BEN- 
JAMIN, the  son  of  BENJAMIN— 

"  Its  roots  are  in  the  abyss :  its  head  is  in  the  clouds :  its  seeds 
are  emptiness,  and  its  stalk  is  bosh — nothing — 

"  Behold,  is  there  not  a  brass-pot,  carried  by  the  Brahmins— 

"  And  on  this  brass-pot—filled  with  the  water  of  the  sacred  river— 
the  Brahmin  is  wont  to  swear  his  great  oaths— 

"  And  the  name  of  the  brass-pot  is  lotah— 

"  And  when  BENJAMIN,  the  son  of  BENJAMIN,  heard  that  the  Brah- 
mins had  sworn  upon  their  lotahs  to  rise  and  slay  the  Eeringhee — 

"Then  BENJAMIN,  the  t  son  of  BENJAMIN,  made  a  mess,  after  the 
manner  of  BEXJAMiN's.messes— exceeding  large — 

"  And  in  this  mess  he  dropped  the  lotahs  of  the  Brahmin  Sipahees, 
and,  beholdj  they  blossomed  into  the  lotus_ — 

"  And  this  is  the  manner  of  the  mysteries  of  BENJAMIN,  the  son  of 
BENJAMIN. 

"  What  are  an  'A'  and  'H'  in  the  sight  of  BENJAMIN,  the  son  of 
BENJAMIN,  that  they  should  not  change  into  a  'IP  at  his  bidding? — 
j     "  Is  not  one  vowel  as  good  as  another  vowel — and  do  not  flowers 
i  grow  out  of  pots  ? 

"  Why  not  the  lotus  out  of  the  ktahs?" 

So  the  little  bird,  skilled  in  the  things  of  the  East,  having  sung  his 
Ghazul,  flew  away,  and  Mr.  Punch  arose,  and  wrote  this  Ghazul,  and 
said: 

"  Wonderful  are  the  facts  of  BENJAMIN,  the  son  of  BENJAMIN — 
"  And  as  his  facts,  even  so  also  are  his  figures." 


REMINDERS 


To  Fine  , 


in-  tht  Continent. 


THE     GREAT     SOCIAL     EVIL. 

TIME  :-  A  Sketch  not  a  Hundred  Miles  from  the  Haymarkat. 

-.  "AH  !   FANNY!    How  LONG  HAVE  YOU  EKEN  GAY?" 


CHUPATTIES  AND  LOTUS-FLOWERS. 
SI  <Sfj,iMit. 

Mis.  DISRAELI,  in  his  Indian  oration,  talked  mysteriously  of  certain 
chupatties  and  lotus-flowers,  which  passed  from  regiment  to  regiment 
of  Sepoys,  before  the  mutiny,  and  which  were  supposed  to  be,  some 
way  or  other,  connected  with  the  plot.  The  chupatties  were  constate 
and  fitlicially  verified.  But  nobody  had  heard  of  the  lotus-flowers  till 
MIL  DISRAELI  transplanted  them  into  his  harangue.  LORD  PALMER- 
STON,  MR.  SMITH  of  Cannon  Row,  the  Chairman  of  the  East  India 
Company,  were  equally  flabbergasted  at.  this  new  Asian  Mystery.  The 
Indian  Correspondence  was  ransacked,  but  no  lotus-flower.  M  K. 
DAVID  UEOjjHjkST  even,  that  great  medicine-man  and  mystery -monger, 
>j)lied  to,  but  like  other  oracles,  he  contented  himself  with 
looking  wise — and  shaking  his  head,  in  the  manner  of  SHERIDAN'S 
Lord  JBurffkley. 

La-t  week  there  appeared  in  a  contemporary,  an  elaborately 
erudite  and  scientific  article,  apropos  of  the  lotus-flower,  as  a  Sepoy 
1  of  mutiny — very  pleasant  to  read,  carrying  us  back  to 
HERODOTUS  and  STRABO,  whisking  us  from  Egypt  to  Cashmeer,  and 
horrent  with  barbarous  mythology — Astarte  and  Isis,  Ormuzd  and 
Osiris, — Horus  the  sun-god,  and  Kouaa-Yin, the  Bouddlust  Goddess  of 
Mercy.  Ttie  article,  after  a  pleasant,  scientific  and  mythologie  ramble, 
winds  up  with  the  conclusion  th;<  ad  lotus-flowers  are  the 

symbols  of  the  Queen  of  Heaven,  the  Hindoo  Goddess  of  Mercy,  and 
Mother  of  God.    "Such,"  adds  the  writer,   "is  the  meaning  of  the 


MIND  you  take  as  the  pattern  of  your  costume  the  absurd  caricatures 
that  the  French  Charivansts  are  in  the  habit  of  drawing  of  the  English. 
The  more  ridiculous  the  better. 

Mind  you  insult  everybody  in  their  native  language,  if  you  can;  but 
if  you  cannot,  then  in  your  own  nervous  Saxon.  A  dash  of  Billingsgate 
will  rather  improve  the  mixture. 

Mind  you  leave  your  name  behind  you,  in  letters  as  big  as  your 
conceit,  on  every  monument  you  visit. 

Mind,  upon  the  slightest  dispute  or  prevarication,  you  threaten  to 
write  to  LORD  PALMEHSTON. 

I,  if  you  arc  fond  of  tuft-hunting,  that  you  do  not  mistake  the 
Tutor  for  the  young  Lord  he  is  taking  charge  of. 

Mind  you  keep  your  hat  on  when  yon  go  into  a  Church. 

Mind  you  assert  the  national  privilege  of  grumbling,  and  finding 
fault,  justly  or  not,  with  everything,  and  everybody,  wheresoever 
you  go. 

Mind  you  abuse,  to  your  heart's  discontent,  the  Government  of  the 
country  through  which  you  are  travelling,  more  especially,  if  you  have 
any  reason  to  suspect  there  are  Secret  Police  about. 

Mind  you  call  for  ale,  porter,  Harvey's  sauce,  soda-water,  seidlitz 
powders,  port,  pickles,  Cockle's  pills,  or  penny  postage  stamps,  in  the 
most  out-of-the-way  places,  where  such  things  have  never  been  heard 
of  before. 

Mind  the  best  insult  to  throw  at  a  Frenchman  is  to  call  him  "  French 
Erog,"  and  no  sarcasm  stings  a  German  more  than  to  throw  into  his 
teeth  " Sourkrout." 

Mind  you  cultivate  the  notion  that  you  may  do  everything  you  like, 
as  long  as  you  pay  for  it.    Rest  assured  you  may  ring  the  bells  of  the 
;  night,  if  it  is  only  charged  in  the  bill. 

Finally,  and.  distinctly,  Mind  you  do  everything  that  is  nonsensical, 
whimsical,  outrageous,  mad,  ungentleinanly,  or  extravagant,  so  that  it 
is  likely  to  bring  into  disrepute  the  credit  and  character  of  an  English- 
man. It  is  by  such  means  that  the  honourable  reputation  of  an 
Englishman  is  best  sustained  abroad. 


EMIGBATION. — MR.  VERNON  SMITH  is  to  be  allowed,  in  one  of  the 
Government  ships,  a  free  pas;-age  out  to  India,  so  that  he  may  acquire 
some  little  knowledge  of  tne  country. 


William  BrnHbunr,  of  No.  1.1.  tpptrWoburn  H«c»,  «nd  Frederick  Hullrlt  K».m,  of  No.  19.  Que»i/.  Koad  Writ,  Reient'i  Purk.  ooth  in  He  P»rith  ot  St.  Pmcru.  in  the  County  of  Midi  lesej, 
iV*»p»?  St  'tembcrPlK-"""'  '°  ""  rieci°ct  of  Wbit«w«".  '•>  '•>«  W'J  of  L°«don.  «nd  rablUhtJ  bjr  them  u  No.  S6.  Fleet  Street,  In  the  P«rt.h  of  Sb  Bride,  in  the  U  7  ti 


SEPTEMBER  19,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


115 


HOW    TITUS    MANLIUS    MACAULEIUS    WAS    MADE    A    PATRICIAN. 

3   IUjj   of  'Snrirnt    Umitr. 


THK  f'onsul  PALMKH.STOXIUS 

Jlatli  ta'cn  down  his  DEBRETT, 
And  o'er  its  storied  pages 

His  anxious  brow  is  set. 
Those  arc  not  age's  wrinkles 

The  Consul's  cheek  that  plough, 
It  is  not  time  that  sprinkles 

That  suow  upon  his  brow. 

The  wrinkles  are  such  wrinkles 

As  a  Consul  should  display: 
"Up  to  a  wrinkle  "  meaning 

Up  to  the  time  of  day. 
And  if  the  grey  hairs  mattered. 

Their  i>rcM>nee  'Mumld  explain 
To  call  them  aaov-flakea  scattered 

To  cool  that  hot  young  brain. 

The  Consul  closed  the  volume — 

He  closed  it.  with  a  bang! 
And  he  seized  his  slate  and  pencil 

From  the  wall  where  they  did  hang ; 
And  straight  he  set  to  ciphering, 

And  out  a  sum  he  brought ; 
And  his  sum  was  of  six  iigures, 

And  it  ended  with  a  nought. 

Then  gaily  tripped  the  Consul 

To  the  .Krarium  straight, 
And  before  COKNEI.IUS  LK\  n:s 

lie  thrust  the  scribbled  slate. 
"('heck  thou,  CORNELIUS  Lr\ii  s 

These  figures  all  and  each ; 
All  figures  at  thy  finger-ends, 

Hast  thou,  save  those  of  speech." 


Dry  and  it-dust,  sat  LEVII  s, 

i  y  of  words  and  slack  : 
And  he  proved  the  Consul's  tigures, 

And  the  slate  he  gave  him  back. 
"Now,  read  off  the  sum  total," 

And  LEVIUS  read  it  through— 
From  left  to  right,  not  right  to  left  — 

Nought,  two,  eight,  six,  and  two  ! 

•<i-  uiiiird  ages 

( >!'  the  I'atiieians  stood, 
When  Consul  I'M.MKUvinxii  s 

Vuwed  tin -\  miiM  have  new  blood. 
"  What  thouirh  your  «or»  homines 

Do  not  always  wax  in  \vit  : 
Oft  f'afrieiiH,  like  /'• 

Proves  "  nascilur  aoitjit." 

"  Hesides,  as  after  physic 

The  matron  gives  her  child 
A  crust  of  blandest  honey, 

To  make  the  bitter  mild ; 
So  I,  for  the  Patricians, 

A  pleasant  peer  must  find, 
To  take  away  the  savour 

WKSS'DALIVS  left  behind. 

"  Pafres  majorum  gentium, 

Palres  minorum.  too, 
Your  seats  upon  those  benches 

To  sources  strange  are  due  : 
The  fruit  of  royal  bye-blows. 

The  growths  of  courtier-slime, 
The  brawny  sons  of  rapine, 

The  heirs  of  reckless  crime. 


sword  hath  dibbled  often 
Holes  fur  patrician  • 
And  many  a  lawyer's  tongue  hath  licked 
All  shoes,  and  oft  un: 

•.pins  found  too  lowly, 
N'i  rrawling  thought  too  mean, 
If  but  a  Conscript  Father 
lie  might  at  last  be  seen. 

"TheSword,theTongue,the  Purse  have  there 

Their  representing  men — 
ains  one  tool  of  greatness 

I.'nlionoured  there — the  Pen. 
The  consulship  of  PLAXI  i  s 

An  era  still  we  see: 
Why  should  not  PAUIEBSTOSIUS 

Be  notable  as  he  P 

"  T  '11  raise  to  the  Patricians, 

One  who  ne'er  wore  steel,  nor  lied, 
Whose  weapon  was  his  goose-quill, 

Whose  pleadings  were  worhl-wide; 
'.'DCS  were  Falsehood,  Prejudice, 

Fraud,  Sophist  rv,  and  Wrong — 
With  which  he  held  wit-combat, 

Wit-combat,  brave  and  long ! 

"  So,  when  that  PALMERSTONIUS 

Hath  gone  where  all  must  go — 
E'en  those  whose  brains  glow  fiery 

'Neath  coronals  of  snow: 
Write  by  the  Appian  way-side, 

On  the  tomb  wnere  he  is  laid, 
'  Of  MANLIUS  MAOAULEIUS 

He  a  Patrician  made.' " 


A  LITTLE  SURPRISE  FOR    MUGOIBTS. 

"  LARK  !    I  SAT  !    WHAT  'LL  JIT  OLD  MAN  THINK  WHEN  n«  SEES 
ME  is  THIS  'ERE  'Ax.  !  '* 


AN  OPENING  FOR  AN  INDOLENT  PARSON. 

A  CURIOUS  question  is  suggested  by  an  impudent  advertisement, 
quoted  by  the  Times,  which  oners  for  sale — 

"  A  sinecure  rectory  in  the  Isle  of  Wight,  the  annual  amount  of  the  tithe  reut- 
charge  for  the  lust  five  years  being  £35<J.  with  3i  acres  of  glebe,  with  two  cottages 
producing  .fJO  per  aunum  ;  the  present  incumbent  in  his  5Stu  year.'1 

As  i  his  rectory  is  a  sinecure  of  souls,  there  is  certainly  some  reason 
to  doubt  that  it  is  a  spiritual  benefice,  and  if  it  is  not,  ought  the  sale 
of  it,  even  if  it  were  sold  outright,  to  be  considered  siniu 

Shorwell,  near  Newport,  is  the  benefice  referred  to— a  material 
benefice  decidedly  we  should  say,  not  at  all  a  spiritual  one  ;  therefore 
purchasable  by  any  idle  parson,  who  wishes  to  continue  eating  the 


bread  of  idleness,  richly  buttered,  without  incurring  the  condemnation 
of  SIMON  MAGUS. 

The  patron-ess  of  this  jolly  fat  living,  all  rights  included,  was 
LADY  ST.  JOHN  MILDMAY,  and  the  incumbent  is  a  ST.  JOHN  MILD- 
MAY  also,  the  R.EV.  C.  A.  This  ST.  JOHN,  the  evangelist  of  Shor- 
well  sinecure,  is  also  evangelist  or  vicar  of  Burnham,  in  Essex, 
worth  £700  a-year;  and  is  moreover  supposed  to  preach  the  gospel 
at  Chelmsford  at  £800  a-year  as  rector,  besides  perambulating  the 
highways  and  hedges  for  the  capture  of  souls  in  the  capacity  of 
Rural  Dean  of  Rochester.  Notwithstanding  this  evangelical  man  is 
only  fifty  eight,  the  purchaser  of  Shorwell  may  reasonably  count  on  early 
succession  to  that  paradise  of  laziness;  for  although  ST.  Jonx  has 
nothing  whatever  to  do  there,  the  highly  plural  nature  of  his  employ- 
ments elsewhere  renders  it  tolerably  certain  that  he  must  very  soon  fie 
worked  to  death. 


A  HEAD  AND  A  BLOCK. 

BLACKSMITHS  may  be  interested  by  the  following  advertisement, 
extracted  from  the  Scotsman : — 

FRENCH. 

WANTED,  A  PERSON  who  would  endeavour  to  hammer  into  a 
'•  Middle-Aped  Man  as  much  FRENCH  as  would  carry  him  through  Railways 
and  Hotels  in  France.  Hours  of  Teaching  say  from  Half-past  Nine  to  Half  past 
Ten,  A.M  ,  for  Two  Months.  State  terms.— Address,  A.  B.  C.,  Ac.  4o. 

A  correspondent,   who  has  sent  us  the  above  cutting,   suggests, 

that  to  hammer  anything  into  the  head  of    a  middle -aged 

Scotchman,  a  NASMYTH'S  patent  hammer  would  be  necessary ;  and  a 

MYTH  is  equal  to  some  thousands  of  blacksmiths.    No  doubt  the 

sons  of  Caledonia  are  from  birth  hardheaded,  and  by  the  time  they  have 

reached  middle  age,  their  heads  have  in  general  arrived  at  an  equality 

with  adamant  in  baldness,    although   inferior  to  it  in  density.    The 

i  heads  of  these  iron  men  for  the  most  part  may  require  a  blacksmith  at 

i  least  to  hammer  an  idea  into  them — especially  the  idea  of  a  joke :  but 

probably  the  head  of  A.B.C.  (into  which  it  perhaps  took  some  beating 

i  to  force  the  rudiments  of  learning  expressed  by  those  characters)  may 

be  of  a  softer  material  thau  iron — of  a  substance  which  would  more 

naturally  be  operated  on  by  the  carpenter. 


TO  WiN-E-BiniiERs.— Before  vou  buy  "Port  from  the 
Wood,"  endeavour  if  possible  to  ascertain  that  the  wood  whence  the 
wine  is  derived  is  not  log-wood. 


VOL.  XXXIII. 


116 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  19,  1857. 


RACY  LITERATURE. 

IN  the  "  Spotting  Intelligence  "  of  a  contem- 
porary we  find  it  stated  that — 

"  Ireland  has  presented  attractions  powerful  enough  to 
draw  from  England  many  of  the  leading  book-makers." 

A  little  farther  on  is  mentioned  the  circum- 
stance, rather  remarkable  in  connection  with  the 
above  statement,  that — 

"  2  to  1  was  laid  against  Ignoramus,  who  was  backed  in 
the  aggregate  for  about  £700." 

We  should  like  to  know  who  are  those  leaders 
in  the  world  of  literature  that  Ireland  has  been 
able  to  attract  from  this  part  of  the  United 
Kingdom.  Still  more  do  we  desire  to  be  iu- 
I'onucd  of  the  real  name  of  the  individual  stig. 
matised  as  "  Ignoramus : "  and  we  wonder  what 
extremely  enterprising  publishers  can  have 
ventured  to  back  that  author,  against  whom,  if 
he  deserves  his  name,  the  chances  of  success 
with  an  enlightened  British  Public  must^  be 
more  than  2  to  1. 


EFFECT  OF  NOT  TAKING  NOTICE. 


The  Tax  of  Letter-Writing. 

Jones  (busy  scribbling).  I  say,  how  do  you  escape 
so  easily  from  the  bore  of  correspondence  ? 

Brown  (busy  smoking).  Why,  you  see,  I  am  a 
very  lucky  fellow.  I.  have  the  gift  of  a  confound- 
edly bad  hand-writing.    My  friends,  when  they 
ft  one  of  my  letters,  don't  forget  it  in  a  hurry, 
can  tell  you.    They  have  so  much  difficulty 
[  in  reading  it,  that  they  never^think  of  asking  me 
I  for  a  second. 


OUR    OVER-CROWDED    THOROUGHFARES. 

IT  has  been  for  years  a  national  conviction,  that  if  there  be  one 
quality  more  thin  any  other  for  which  the  British  nationis  egregiously 
famous,  it  is  that  we  are  so  pre-eminently  practical  and  time-savin?  a 
people.  Of  this  our  public  orators  are  constantly  reminding  us,  and 
after-dinner  auditors  rejoice  to  clink  their  glasses  in  approval  of  the 
sentiment.  Placuit  semel  et  decies  repetita  plaeebit. 

Now,  as  we  have  no  fear  of  lessening  our  popularity  (for  out  of  our 
innumerable  myriads  of  readers  we  can  spare  without  missing  them 
some  few  hundred  thousands),  we  do  not  shrink  from  openly  avowing 
our  persuasion,  t  hat  in  believing  itself  practical  and  time-saving,  the 
nation  pins  its  faith  to  a  complete  and  utter  fallacy.  However  indi- 
vidually we  may  merit  those  two  epithets,  when  taken  in  the  aggregate 
we  deserve  the  leverse  of  them.  Of  this  we  have  a  score  of  proofs  at 
our  pen's  tip,  but  as  in  point  of  space  our  liability  is  limited,  we  must 
be  content  with  bringing  forward  only  one.  The  instance  we  adduce, 
then,  is  the  way  we  waste  pur  time  through  the  overcrowding  of  our 
streets,  to  which  our  notice  is  directed  by  a  recent  correspondent,  with 
whom  (except  in  the  slight  matter  of  his  spelling  the  word  "  ocular  " 
with  two  c's  instead  of  one)  we  may  state  that  we  entirely  and 
cordially  agree. 

nig  aside  the  question  of  its  inconvenience,  and  viewing  it 

I  rom  a  business  point  of  view,  a  thoroughfare  so  crowded  that 

e  is  a  misnomer  must  cause  a  loss  of  time  which,  being  money, 

our  economists  ought  certainly  to  take  more  heed  of.    To  say  nothing 

of  its  influence  in  fostering  bad  passions,  and  tending  to  the  increase 

ot  that  national  malignity  for  which  we  are  by  foreigners  so  ridiculed 

and  censured,   we  should  like  to   know  the  cost,  per  minute,  of  a 

Wpok, ;  such  as  in  the  City  is  so  constantly  occurring.    The  Statis- 

.ciety  would  do  the  State  some  service,  if  they  collected  some 

statistics  of  these  stoppages  of  traffic,  and  apprised  us  of  their  average 

recurrence  and  duration.    We  are  convinced  that  were  they  closely  to 

ue    the    mailer,    many  City  firms  would  find  these   street 

obstructions  occasion  no  slight  increase  of  their  yearly  trade  expenses. 

«y  reason  ol  the  frequent  detention  of  their  clerks,  they  have  of  course 

to  keep  a  larger  stall'  than  they  would  find  sufficient  were  the  streets 

more  passable  :    and  the  same  cause  also   operates   where   business 

vehicles  are  kept,  m  which  case  too  the  cost  of  wear  and  tear  is  much 

ed  by  the  collisions  which  the  "  blocks  "  are  each  attended  with 

As  an  additional  incentive  to  its  struggles  for  street  clearance,  the 

nation  should  reflect  upon  the  wear  and  tear  of  mind  and  body,  which 

these  street  blockades  cause  daily  to  its  Punch.    We  calculate  we  lose 

a  daily  average  of  twelve   minutes  and  three-quarters  through  the 

-'<;  of  our  Hansom  in  its  progress  to  and  from  our  office 

•'go  we  seriously  inclined  our  mind  to  the  necessity 

Iking,  and  in  spite  of  the  hot  weather  and  the  melting  by  the 


1  exercise  of  our  not  a  bit  too  solid  flesh,  we  should  probably  have  been 

1  confirmed  in  our  pedestrianism,  had  we  not  discovered  that  the  pave- 
ments were  almost  as  crowded  as  the  roadways ;  and  that  we  had  to 
elbow  our  way  through,  in  a  manner  that  we  feared  would  soon  wear 
our  elbows  out.  On  one  occasion  too  (which  was  our  first  and  final 
experiment  in  walking)  we  were  requested  by  a  lady  to  escort  her 
across  the  street ;  and  the  street  being  Cheapside,  we  could  see  by 
Bow  Church  Clock  that  our  gallantry  cost  us  precisely  seven  minutes, 
and  even  then  we  narrowly  escaped  being  driven  over. 

We  think  we  have  sufficiently  shown  cause  why,  for  our  own  relief 
as  well  as  that  of  the  public,  the  choking  up  of  streets  must  not  be 
suffered  to  continue.  Were  we  in  Parliament  (which  for  our  ears'  sake 
we  are  thankful  we  are  not)  we  should  be  disposed  next  session  to 
introduce  a  Bill  for  the  Prevention  of  Over-Crowded  Thoroughfares, 

•  by  which  all  street  obstructives  should  be  summarily  dealt  with. 
Within  four-and-twenty  hours  from  the  passing  of  our  Act,  any  rail- 

j  way  van  or  brewers'  dray  or  coal  wagon  found  in  any  thoroughfare 
after  eight  o'clock  A..M.  should  be  sold  by  the  police,  and  the  proceeds 
given  to  the  hospitals,  to  which  these  London  Juggernauts  have  sent 
so  many  victims.  All  omnibus  races  we  would  likewise  put  a  stop 
to,  and  it  should  be  penal  for  these  vehicles  of  abuse  to  stop  at  certain 
corners  as  they  now  do,  not  so  much  to  pick  up  passengers  as  quarrels 
with  their  rivals.  Correspondents  write  to  Punch  complaining  of  these 
nuisances,  and  in  their  warmth  they  coolly  look  to  us  for  instant 

]  measures  of  relief.  Now,  really,  we  should  need  the  manual  appli- 
ances of  half-a  score  of  Briarei  were  we  to  take  in  hand  the  work  which 
is  thus  daily  handed  over,  to  us  :  and  until  we  have  cleared  away  the 
Leadenhall  Street  Obstructives  we  cannot  undertake  to  rid  the  City  of 
the  Van  Demons.  Besides,  the  nation  can't  expect  its  Punch  to  be 
Reformer  General  without  investing  him  with  absolute  authority  over 
even  the  "authorities."  Were  85  Fleet  Street  to  supplant  the 
Mansion  house,  the  supervision  of  the  City  streets  would  rightly  be  a 
part  of  Mr.  Punch's  ptnce  ;  but  until  he  supersedes  the  LORD  MAYOR 
and  Corporation  (which  at  no  far  distant  date  will  probably  be  asked 

|  of  him)  he  cannot  undertake  to  discharge  their  proper  functions. 

Nevertheless,  as  a  prescription  in  our  letter-box  assures  us  it  would 
do  the  civic  magnates  good  to  "  have  their  heads  Punched,"  in  our 
benevolence  we  pardon  the  offence  of  this  mild  jokelet,  and  if  we  do 
not  quite  believe  the  efficacy  of  the  suggested  treatment  (for  even 
Punclis  baton  sometimes  fails  to  make  impression  on  the  thick  heads  of 
the  City)  we  admit  at  least  that  there  is  wisdom  in  prescribing  a  cor- 
rective which  we  have  exclusively  the  right  of  making'  up.  It  is,  we 
think,  vitally  essential  to  the  City  that  its  arteries  no  longer  be  impas- 
sably choked  up,  and  if  any  dose  of  ours  can  give  a  freer  circulation, 
we  shall  once  a  week  be  ready  to  supply  it,  every  Wednesday,  price 
only  threepence,  or  fourpence  if  impressed  with  the  Government 
Stamp. 


SEPTKMHKU  19,  1867.] 


•  CH,   OR  THE   LONDON  ClIAllIVAIII. 


117 


THE    LEADER    OF    A    SEA-SIDE    PAPER. 


"AT   this   !••  of  the 

walk  by  th-  .  and  if 

we  do  meet  with  freckles  on 

our  chirks  at    all   e\ei,is  we 
have  ! ;  !  ion  of  know- 

KoWI.AMl's 

Kalydi 

tlicin;  we  saunter 
and  pick  up  prl> 

tiful    : 

and   S  •;riuni,  \vhcrc 

Lyons'  riH  ictaally 

given  away  at   \\d.  a 

yard.  i  a  may 

roll  in  tones  of  thnn 
less   deep,    .  i  uthral- 

ling  than  those  of  FATHER 
••/.[,  who  is  still  giving 

I    In   cnli 
millioi 

three    times    a    \virk,    at    the 
Town  Hall.     But 
Nature   is    ever   sweet,  and, 
unlike  the  vox  Aumaaa,  does 


not  require,  fo  mollify  it,  such  soothing:  restorative-  as   Hi;.  STOI.IU 

which  are   'so  strongly  recommended  by  the  faculty.'     Such  joys  are 

lasting  as  I  he  (iicsscn  Blue,  a  large  quantity  of  which  has  just  arrived  at  I'KHKI.VS', 

tin-  extensive  tallow  chamber,   who   lives  at  the  corner  of  Hunt  i  i-^   linw;  and 

u:iy  say,  but  effervescing  too,  partaking  iu  that  respect   of 

nalities  of  WALKER'S   British  Champagne.     Anon,  the  white  orb 

of  the  moon  lea,.  i    PETIT  'O/.E  from  the  surface  of  the 

\\ateis  ilmt  are  curling  of    their  own  accord,  without  the  aid   in   the  slightest 

'  nrling  I'luid.     Not  utinptly  may  the  silvery  moon  be 

'the   lamp   of  ;  iur  she  shines   «ith  an  etl'iilgeiice  fully  equal  to 

PIUCK'S  fir-fame  I  1'. •  tent.  Candles,  all  sizes  of  which,  from  two  to  six  wicks,  may 

worm,'   on  the   Sunth   Cliff,   next   door  to  the   'Cow  and 

Snuffers,'  the  landlord  of  which,  we  are  glad  to  state,  has  just  broached  a  fre.-h 
cask  of  his  'Stunning  Fine  Ale,'  wliicli,  by  amatcnis,  has  been  pronounced  quite 
"d,  if  not  better  than  ALLSLOIT'S.  The  stars  above  are  shining  with  redoubled 
brilliancy,  as  though  Iliey  v.  -nring  to  eclipse,  the  Stars  that  are 

visible   every  niuhl,   from   hall'-1,  to  eleven,  at  the  Theatre   Royal,   so 

admirably  conducted  by  Missus.  KM\IU  and  l!r.\  EKLY,  and  crowded  nightly  by 
the  most  fashionable  audiences.  ]  mighs  and  sighs,  as  with  the  wail  of  an 

Infant,  reminding  us  involuntarily  that  the  best  Soojie  is  to  be  had,  in  large  and 
small  it  the  Chemist's,  SAMPSON  Ihc.iu.'s,  whose  new  stock  of  tooth- 

brushes is  well  worth  inspection.  The  sea-gull  must  not  be  forgotten.  It  flashes 
in  the  moonlight,  and  mews  melodiously,  charming  the  eye,  and  pleasing  the  car, 
not  less  agreeably  than  the  dnlc.  i  manly  form  of  the  REV.  J.  W.  \l' 

:eachiT  from  AIK\\  ells',  London,  who  holds  forth,  we  see,  from 
lias  just  left  us,  at  the  "Jerusalem  Artichoke,"  at  half-past  ten,  next 
Sunday.     Hn;    we  mast   away  from  this  too  fascinating  scene.     The  evening  air 
somewhat  chills  one,  and  \yc  w  ill  recall  to  our  '  mind's  eye '  (the  best  spectacles,  out- 
and-out,  are  .'s,  just  round  the  market-place)  the  beauties  of  this  glorious 
globe,   as   we   sit    at    home   pensively   in  one  of  '  GRAHAM'S   en--  iouble- 
embiaciie-r  ai  m-chaii  s  fur  invalids,' with  a  glass  before  us  of  BRETT'S  very  best 
ii  l-Sraudy,  which  at  the  'Ladies'  Reticule,'  in  Paradise  Row,  can  be  Lad  for 
ill'  the  price  of                                                   of  nature  changes  as  many 
in  an  hour  as   ^lu.  WOOIMN,   the   celebrated   costnme-snatehcr,   who   has 
ed  to  visit   our  humble  town  'for  one  night  only.'     Encouraging  the 
hope  that  the  news  IV'                   A  ill  be  as  favourable  as  the  last,  we  will  conclude 
.it ing  that  the  Box-Oflice  is  open  from  ten  till  four.    Tickets  may  be  had 
at    any   of  the   bathing-machines,    brought,   recently  to   such  a   high   degree    of 
liy  our  talented  townsman,  ,lnii\    l.mish.y.    For  further  particulars, 
the  visitor  is  referred  to  our  Advertising  Columns." 


bathing-pan    !   .-liunM   think  that  : 

nor  ornamental      1  fancy  one  of   >i>'ir 
clever  i    little 

-ketch   entitled    'P.  il>.\    ami  I  >:iby,   erjing, 

of  coui  • 
would   c  ire;  and   the  cut  would 

to   many   students  of  advanced 
who   seldom    find  themsehe-.    in    ' 
where    comt-rsalion    generally   turns    upon    LTC\-| 

vaccination,  ;  it  of  tiling, 

which  no  dou 

"1  am,  Sir,  your  constant  reader, 

"  P.S.  Of   course    PVIIM  \\III.MS  knows   what    bassi- 
iifttes  are— to  his  • 


NURSERY   NOMENCLATURE. 

"Sin, — I  have  lately,  in  the  course  of  reading  the  periodicals  nnd  papers,  met 
rather  frequently  with  the  word  bassinette.  A  short  time  ago  I  think  1  heard  an 
individual  o  \pression  in  such  a  connection  as  to  indicate 

tin-  thing  signified  ^to  be  some  kind  of  appurtenance  to  the  nursery.  But  I  do  not 
find  the  word  in  French.  There  is  bassinet,  a  fire-pan;  the  pan  of  a  Ilin'  gun;  a 
helmet  or  basnet  ;  a  portion  of  the  renal  anatomy;  a  name  for  the  ranunculus  or 
Imiieienp.  Jiassiaette,  I  sn;  ,-el.\  f/assiuetas  pronounced  by  British  nurse- 

mauls.  \\cll,  then,  bul  what  has  a  baby  to  do  with  a  (he-pan,  or  with  the  other 
things  just  enumerated  as  denoted  by  the  term  lassiiift ?  Babies,  I  believe, 
are,  or  ought  to  be,  soused  in  a  pan  of  water  every  morning,  and  well  scrubbed  ; 
but  if  I  means  a  water-pan,  what  is  the  meaning  of  c< 

people  who  adu  <•'/.,  trimmed'!      It  is  very  true  that 

B1  caps  and  clothes  are  decorated  with  trimming,  which  may  gran'1 
of  their   paicnts,   though    superfluous  to  mine,  but  for   the   rim  of    an   in 


LAST  MAN. 

THE  last  of  the  Londoners  lagging  behind, 
At  this  in  ;ison, 

It  on  the  'I  )i-st  of  mankind, 

And  boasts  he  has  excellent  reason. 

While  they're  on  the  strain  in  1m-  .  and  train, 

Thioiigh  the  land  of  . I  KAN  PM  i.  or  I- 
And  are  Ids  lain, 

1  le  's  not  at  such  pains  le  dercmgtr. 

While  they're  on  a  hunt  for  a  bed-room  to  spare, 
Or  for  sheets  -to  be  had  fol  ;ing — 

He  can  have  every  bedroom  in  1  y  Square, 

And  acres  of  family  linen. 

If  coastwards  they  go,  whv  the  Coast'has  its  Vues — 

Its  landladies,  artful  old  dodgers, 
"With  other  unnameable  pests  of  repose, 

Who  lircalv  their  long  fasts  upon  lodgers. 

There  "  Uglies  "  abound — a  reproach  to  the  scene, 
And  babes  and  their  nursemaids— a  greater: 

"While  he  meets  from  Highgate  to  Camberweli  Green 
Not  a  babe  or  a  perambulator. 

Here  the  streets  are  so  empty,  the  allevs  expand, 
To  be  circumspect  here  would  be  silly  ; 

You  can  waltz  up  and  down  and  across  the  Strand, 
Or  play  skittles  in  Piccadilly. 

The  organ-men  mostly  are  gone  to  the  coast, 
The  sweepers  scik  other  employments; 

The  1)  ;d  Niggers,  we  thankfully  b 

Have  now  become  rural  en 

And  as  for  the  beggars,  that  horrible  bore 
Is  transferred  from  the  town  population, 

"\Vhile  the  swell  mob  consider  their  season  is  o'er, 
And  they  too  have  earned  a  vacation. 

The  burglar  exhausted,  in  want  of  a  change, 

deserted  the  suburb  of 

And  while  he  's  inspecting  some  castle  or  grange, 
"We  go  without  dread  of  garottiug. 

The  poleaxes  doze,  and  an  air  of  repose 

I  over  the  beadle's  :rrim  fe- 

And  the  flunkey  i  have  doffed  their  ploab  and  their  hose, 
And  look  like  the  rest  of  God's  creatures. 

In  short,  if  for  quiet  and  comfort  you  pant 

At  breakfast,  tea,  dinner,  and  supper; 
Cut  the  country  and  come  up  to  Town,  if  you  want 

To  throw  off  dark  care  from  your  cnipper. 

Thus  the  last  Londoner  lagging  behind 

At  this  ruralising  sc;. 
Ketorts  on  the  Tourists  or  rest  of  mankind, 

And  boasts  he  has  excellent  reason. 


Musical  Intelligence. 

(From  our  Otm  Fiano~F<fte  Tuner.) 

THE  waste  ground  in  Farringdou  Street  has  jm 

taken  by  a  large  company,  for  the  purpose  of  erecting  in 
London  a  third  Italian  Opera  Hou- 


118 


PUNCH,    Oil    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.          [SEPTEMBER  19,  1857. 


A    JUDGE    BY    APPEARANCE. 

Bathing  Guide.  "  JJLESS  'is  'AET  !   I  KXOW'D  HE  'D  TAKE  TO  IT  KINDLY— BY  THE  WERRY  LOOKS  ON  'ra  !  " 


ENUNCIATION  OF  MIND. 

AT  Guildhall,  the  other  day,  'a  man,  named  WILLIAM  BAXTER,  was 
pulled  up  upon  the  charge  of  being  in  St.  Sepulchre's  Church  with 
intent  to  commit  a  felony.  He  had  been  found  in  the  pulpit  iepeatin°- 
the  Litany  aloud.  SIR  PETER  LAURIE  asked  him,  what  he  wanted  in 
the  Church  ? 


This  fellow  turned  out,  to  be  a  fool,  and  the  Magistrate  told  a  policeman 

to  take  him  home.    What  a  pity  it  is  that   certain  other  persons 

ic  ted  with  religious  enunciations  could  not  have  been  some  time  ago 

sen  home  too !  If  the  preaching  Colonels  who  irritated  the  native  troops 

with  their  enunciations  had  been  sent  home  from  India  as  soon  as  their 

ranting  mama  betrayed  itself,  one  cause,  at  least,  of  the  mutiny  would 

have  been  removed.     A\  hen  a  man  gets  a  sword  in  one  hand  and  a 

psalm-book  in  the  otter,  like  BALFOUR  OF  BURLEY,  he  generally  does 

mischief  with  both,  and  should  have  the  sword  at  least  taken  away 

Ironi i  him,  and  be  conveyed  to  an  asylum  as  soon  as  possible     When 

n  officer  mistakes  himself  for  a  parson,  he  mistakes  his  commission 

and  rescmblesjioorM  i I.UAM  BAXTER,  who  seems  to  have  mistaken 

himsel    for  his  great  namesake,   RICHARD.    The  preaching  officer  is 

evidently  labouring  under  an  enunciation,  arising,  probably,  from  the 

lence  of  a  sim-stroke  on  a  brain  naturally  weak  and  an  excitable 

t  C  HI  J)  C  Til  1116111 . 

Brilliant  Work. 

-A  NOVEL  has  j^l  been  published  under  the  title  of  Shining  after 

r     t  MV!U  °ftrn  °c?ur  to  our  recollection  during  our  rambles 
Metropolis    when,  immediately  on  the  cessation  of  a 

Boys  polishing 


"WHAT'S  THIS  DULL  TOWN  TO  ME?" 

A  CORRESPONDENT,  writing  from  Holyhead.  complains  of  the  want 
of  enlightenment,  mental  and  material,  by  which  that  populous  and 
rapidly  rising  town  is  disgraced.  The  lack  of  intellectual  brightness 
appears  to  be  the  cause  of  the  deficiency  of  physical  illumination  ;  in 
other  words,  a  majority  of  the  Holyhead  rate-payers  are  such  stupid 
fellows,  that  they  will  not  consent  to  have  their  place  properly  lighted. 
Their  spokesman,  at  a  recent  vestry  meeting,  whereat  was  debated  the 
question  whether  •  the  streets  should  be  lighted  with  gas  or  not, 
assigned,  as  an  argument  for  the  negative,  the  consideration  that  dul- 
ness  was  better  than  light,  simply  because  it  cost  nothing.  Accordingly, 
we  must  suppose  that  the  dulness  of  Holyhead,  at  night,  is  such  as  to 
amount  to  total  darkness,  since  if  the  town  were  lighted  onlv  with  a 
single  fart  hing  rushlight,  it  could  not  be  lighted  for  nothing.  Dulness, 
however,  sometimes  costs  a  great  deal,  which  would  have  been  saved 
by  sufficient  light.  If  the  economist  of  the  Holjhead  vestry  should, 
some  dark  night,  get  hustled  and  robbed  of  his  watch  and  his  purse,  or 
should  tumble  over  a  large  stone  and  break  his  leg,  he  will  experience 
the  possible  expense  of  dulness.  He  will  then  have  less  than  nothing 
to  show  for  his  economy  of  light,  except  a  "  game  "  limb,  and  will  find 
that,  in  the  supposition  that  dulness  would  cost  nothing,  he  has  made 
a  very  lamentable  mistake,  and  shown  himself  a  deplorable  dullard. 


The  Cellar  above  the  Library. 

A  SCHOLAR  in  great  need  was  about  to  apply  for  a  Secretary's 
situation.  The  terms  offered  are  £50  a-year.  On  entering  the  house, 
he  hears  that  the  Butler's  post  is  also  vacant.  The  wages  of  the  latter 
are  £120  a-year,  besides  endless  perquisites.  He  suddenly  changes 
his  mind,  applies  for  the  Butler's  situation,  and  gets  it.  It  is  true,  he 
loses  somewhat  of  his  own  self-respect ;  but  then  his  salary  is  more 
than  twice  the  amount,  and  he  will  be  treated  with  greater  respect,  and 
have  more  indulgences,  as  well  as  more  time  to  himself,  as  the  Butler 
than  he  would  as  the  Secretary.  Besides— and  this  is  his  chief  conso- 
lation—he will  not  be  compelled  to  associate  with  the  gentleman  of  the 
establishment ! 


p 

>(       Cs>x 
v^ 

> 

1 

sf=s^  c 

/ 

[ 

v^ 

'  ^ 

.  t 


PUNCH,  OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI.— SEPTEMBER  19,  1857. 


THE  EMPERORS  AT  STUTTGARDT. 

!.MI'.  RUSSIA.  "ALLONS,  MON  COUSIN.    SUPPOSE  THE  GET  TO  BUSINESS." 

EMP.  FRANCE.  "  0,  BOTHER  BUSINESS !    I  WANT  TO  TELL  YOU  HOW  JOLLY  WE  WERE  AT  OSBORNE ! " 


SEPTEMBER  19,  1857.] 


ITNCII,    Oil    THE   LONDON    UIAUIY 


121 


KINREEN    O'   THE    DEE; 

A   riOBRACIl  HEARD   W.U1.ING    DOWS  GLENTANXEB,  ON  TUB  EXILE  OP 
THREE   GENERATIONS. 

Ocn  hey,  Kinrecn  o'  the  Dec  ! 

Kinreeno'  the  Dec  ! 

Kinrcen  o'  tlie  Dee  ! 
Och  hey,  Kinieen  o'  the  Dee ! 

I  '11  blaw  up  my  chanter, 
1  "ve  rounded  fu'  wecl, 
To  mony  a  ranter, 
In  mony  a  reel, 
Ari'  pour'd  a'  my  heart  i'  the  win' 

bag  wi'  glee : 

Ocli  hey,  Kinreen  o'  the  Dee  ! 
For   licli't  wis  i  hi;    laughter  in 

bonny  Kinreen. 
An"   licht  wis   the  footfa'  that 

glanced  o'er  the  green, 
An'  licht  ware  the  hearts  a'  :m' 

lichtsome  the  eyne, 
Och  hey,  Kinreen  o'  the  Dee  ! 
Kinreen  o'  I  lie  Dee! 
Kinreeno'  the  Dee! 
Och  hey,  Kinreen  o'  the  Dec  ! 

The  auld  noose  is  bare  noo, 

A  i  auld  hoose  to  me, 
The  hearth  is  nae  mair  noo, 

The  centre  o'  glee, 
Nae  mair  for  the  bairnies  the  bield  it  has  been, 

( )ch  hey,  for  bonny  Kinreen ! 
The  auld  folk,  the'youn^  folk,  the  wee  anes,  an'  r, 
A  hundcr  years'  hame  birds  are  harried  awa', 
Are  harried  an'  hameloss,  whatever  winds  blaw, 
Och  hey,  Kinreen  o'  the  Dee !  &c. 

Fareweel  my  auld  pleugh  Ian", 
I'll  never  mair  pleugh  it : 

Fareweel  my  auld  eairt  an' 

The  auld  yaud  *  that  drew  it. 
Fareweel  my  auld  kailyard,  ilk  bush  an"  ilk  tree  ! 

Och  hey,  Kinreen  o'  the  Dee  ! 
Fareweel  the  auld  braes,  that  my  hand  keepit  green, 
Fareweel  the  auld  ways  where  we  waunder  d  unseen, 
Ere  the  star  o'  my  hearth  came  to  bonny  Kinreen, 

Och  hey,  Kinreen  o'  the  Dee  !  &c. 

The  auld  kirk  looks  up  o'er 
The  dreesome  auld  dead, 

Like  a  saint  speakin'  hope  o'er 

Some  sorrowfu"  bed. 

Fareweel  the  auld  kirk,  an'  fareweel  the  kirk  green, 
They  tell  o'  a  far  better  hame  than  Kinreen ! 
The  place  we  wad  cling  to— puir  simple  auld  fules, 
O'  our  births  an'  pur  bridals,  oor  blesses  an'  dools, 
Whare  oor  wee  bits  o'  bairuies  lie  cauld  i  themools.t 

Och  hey,  Kinreen  o'  the  Dee  !  &c. 

I  aft  times  hae  wnnder'd 
If  deer  be  as  dear, 

As  sweet  ties  o'  kindred, 

To  peasant  or  peer ; 
As  the  tic  to  the  names  o'  the  land  born  be, 

Och  hey,  Kinreen  o'  the  Dee ! 
The  heather  that  blossoms  unkent  o'  the  inoor, 
Wad  dee  in  his  lordship's  best  greenhoose,  I  'm  sure, 
To  the  wunder  o'  mony  a  fairy  land  flure. 

Och  hey,  Kinreen  o'  the  Dee  !  &c. 

Though  little  the  thing  be, 
^  Oor  ain  we  can  ca" ; 
That  little  we  cling  be, 

The  mair  that  it's  sina'; 

Though  puir  wis  oor  hame,  an'  thogh  wild  wis  the  scene, 
'Twas  the  hame  o'  oor  hearts  :  it,  was  bonnie  Kinreen. 
An  yet  we  maun  leave  it,  baith  grey  head  aa'  bairn; 
Leave  it  to  fatten  the  deer  o'  Cock-Cairn, 
O'  Pannauieh  wuds,  au'  o'  Morvrn  o'  Gaini. 
Och  hey,  Kinreen  o'  the  Dee ! 
Kinreen  o'  the  1 
Kinreen  o'  the  Dee  ! 
Sae  Pareweel  forever  Kinreeu  o'  the  Dee ! 


Man. 


t  Earth. 


\  MCI:  vui;\(i  WOMAN  WANTED  FOR  A 

SMALL   PARTY. 

IN  spite  of  the  profoundness  of  our  penetrating  powers,  there  are 
ies  too  dee])  for  us  to  plumb  ;  and  such  a  one  we 
:h  in  lfie  following  advertisement,  which  hits  been  lately  sent 
us  by  a  gentleman  in  Liverpool  to  endeavour  to  umuvcl  for  him:  — 

WANTED,  immediately,  a  respectable  Female,  not  lees  than  30  years 
of  ritfe,  tn  tuku  the  fall  ohugi  of  a,  Dairy  ll 
must  have  held  a  ttlmi! 

Young  \\  i  ^'o  Young  Ladies,  several    Housemaids,  Threo 

Upper  Ditto,  Two  Wuitmmen,  several  Cooks,  and  at  least  30  Protestant  Senranta  of 

ly  at  the    Liveri*  .    Jl,    Mount  Pleasant. 

lunee  nf  the  f?'v;it  *!uinnml  f  <r  I'rotestjuit  Servants  of  All  Work,  tho 


ino 

demand,   has  determined   to  rcilu^e  the   Fee  sA  ••         '•'  a  small 

irijo.    Any  number  of  respectable  Servants  can  obtain  Situations  daily 

115,  as  a  problem  quite  easy  of  'enecof 

:inily,"  we  : 

of  our    ;  -   bewilderment,  •  ,  lation  of  the  sentence 

which  appears  to  us  a  fa!  >vss  of  (mite  iiieiplicable  i 

A  respectable  young  v  "d,  not 

only  "upon  two  young  ladies,"  but  also  on  a  number  and 

variety  of  most  oddly  mixed  together  i 

and  hou  thirty  maids  of  all  work."    The  idea  of 

these  latter  haying  advertised  themselves  as  wanting  sonie  one  to 
attend  on  them  is  really  so  preposterous  that  we  have  twice  rubbed 
up  our  8]  o  see  if  we  have  read  the  paragraph  aright 

we  cannot  charge  our  glasses  with  deceiving  us,  we  are  Compelled 
to  accept  the  evidence  ol  our  senses  that  the  words  whic 
us  are  actually  in  print.    From  the  enumeration  which  is 
would  seem  there  are  no  less  than  thirty-seven  persons  stated  for  the 

•  me  to  wait  upon,  and  including  the  two  "severals,"  the  total 
number  hardly  ean  fall  short  of  half  a  hundred.  The  young  woman 
who  would  rashly  undertake  to  attend  upon  so  many  must  not  only  be 
"respectable,"  but  somewhat  superhuman.  With  so  many  mistresses 
to  see  to,  she  indeed  had  need  of  half  the  eyes  of  Argus,  and  the 
attendance  which  is  looked  for  at  her  hands  could  only  be  performed 
by  a  female  Briareus.  Although  the  epithet  is  coupled  with  the 
thirty  maids  of  all  work,  it  is  not  stated  whether  the  applicant  is  expected 
to  be  Protestant  as  well  as  respectable  ;  but  assuredly  the  work  which 
she  is  "wanted"  to  perform  is  such  as  any  single  servant  might 
reasonably  protest  against. 


TRIBUTE  TO  LORD  PALMERSTON. 

WE  believe  it  no  secret,  or  even  if  it  be,  we  see  no  cause  to  scruple 
in  the  slightest  to  divulge  it,  that  it  is  intended  to  present  some 
small  memento  to  LORD  PALMERSTON,  in  admiring  recognition  of  the 
indefatigable  manner  in  which  he  has  sat  through  the  late  protracted 
session.  It  is  rare  that  such  activity  as  the  noble  Viscount's  is 
combined  with  so  excelling  sedentary  faculties.  It  is  considered  by 
good  judges,  that  the  way  in  which  he  placidly  sat  out  the  opposition, 
until  they  ceased  to  hinder  him  from  passing  the  Divorce  Bill,  was 
really  quite  a  masterpiece  of  sedentary  tactics.  Indeed,  taking  into 
thought  the  advanced  time  of  life  at  which  it  was  accomplished,  the 
noble  lord  may  fairly  be  congratulated  upon  his  physical  endurance 
and  good  state  of  preservation. 

It  is  as  yet  undecided  what  the  tribute  shall  consist  of,  and  sug- 
gestions are  requested  as  to  what  will  be  most  suitable.  A  model  of 
Patience,  sitting,  not  upon  a  monument,  but  on  a  hardish  seat  in 
Parliament,  has,  we  understand,  been  hinted  as  appropriate  ;  and,  cer- 
tainly, if  Patience  ever  be  personified,  LORD  PALMERSTON,  as  PREMIER, 
is  just  the  man  to  do  it.  It  is  reported  also,  that  an  eminent  sculptor 
has  (of  course)  thought  of  a  statue,  as  being  the  most  fitting  gift  by 
which  the  British  nation  can  express  its  gratitude-  and,  if  this  idea 
be  acted  on,  we  shall  expect  to  find  it  carried  out  in  the  conventionally 
dull  fashion  —  the  noble  lord  being  made  the  subject  of  an  allegory, 
which  au  appended  "  explanation  "  only  serves  to  make  more 
fathomless. 

For  ourselves,  were  we  consulted  (as  of  course  we  shall  be),  we 
should  consider  that  his  lordship  has  a  mind  more  practical  than  most, 
and  we  should  therefore  recommend  a  gift  of  rather  use  than  ornament. 
We  think  an  easy  chair,  now,  would  be  an  aptly  suited  present  to  one 
who  has  displayed  such  sedentary  prowess  :  and  an  inscription  might 
be  carved  on  it,  stating  that  the  gift  had  nationally  been  made  to  one 
of  the  most  powerful  of  public  sitters,  with  the  classic  motto,  (in 
proper  keeping  with  his  lordship's  scholarship)— 


ii 


prrprtua  !  " 


EPISTOLARY  RULE.— Xtver  cross  your  letters.    Cross-writing  only 
causes  cross  reading. 


122 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[SBI-TEMBER  19.  1857. 


THE    BEARD    MOVEMENT. 

"Hono,  'EXERT!    Is  THAT  You?    WHY,  I  HARDLY  KNOW'D  YER  WITH  THAT 
GREAT  BEARD!" 


SMITH  THE   POET. 

ALL  readers  of  poetry  must  be  deeply  indebted  to  the  Atheneeum  for  its  elaborate 
I  exposure  of  the  plagiarisms  of  Mr.  ALEXANDER  SMITH.  The  noble  perseverance 
with  which  every  phrase  of  MR.  SMITH'S  has  been  overhauled,  and  the  stores  of 
collected  and  recollected  learning,  which  have  been  adduced  to  demonstrate  the 
bard's  want  of  originality,  are  unprecedented  in  the  annals  of  the  literary  police. 
MR.  SMITH  is  left  without  the  faintest  rag  of  reputation,  and  for  our  own  part, 
thanks  to  the  Atheneeum,  we  dp  not  believe  that  he  is  capable  of  uttering  the 
humblest  sentiment  of  ordinary  life  without  borrowing  both  thought  and  words  from 
some  predecessor. 

We  are  firmly  convinced  that  if  he  had  to  desire  a  domestic  to  unfasten 
one  of  his— SMITH'S— boots,  he  would  steal  his  expression  from  SHAKSPEARE, 
and  say,  "Undo  this  button"  (K.  Lear.  Act  V.,  Scene  ILL).  It  is  almost 
supererogation  to  help  a  case  so  clearly  made  out,  but,  as  in  the  course  of 
Mr.  Punch's  own  reading,  he  has  chanced  to  light  upon  a  few  passages  which 
MR.  SMITH  has  appropriated,  and  which  have  escaped  his  reviewer,  Mr.  Punch 
will  complete  the  good  work  by  subjoining  them. 

The  plagiarisms,  in  the  following  cases,  are  even  more  apparent  than  the 
majority  of  those  exposed  by  the  Athtntfum.  and  have  the  additional  feature 
oi  being  the  fruit  of  plunder  from  books  which  it  is  rather  probable  MR.  SMITH 
may  have  seen,  and  not  from  antiquated  and  forgotten  rubbish,  which  in  all 
likelihood  he  never  came  across,  and  which  nobody  but  a  bookworm,  with  a 
motive,  is  ever  likely  to  come  across  twice.  At  the  same  time,  Mr.  Punch 
assures  MR.  SMITH  that  this  exposure  is  made  in  all  kindness  of  feeling,  and  in  the 
earnest  hope  that  by  proving  to  a  young  poet  that  he  is  utterly  without  merit 
ot  any  kind,  lie  may  be  excited  to  cultivate  his  genius,  prune  Id's  irregularities 
and  emulate  the  Immortals. 

In  MK.  SMITH'S  City  Poems,  he  says, 

"  And  l/ees  are  bmy  in  the  yellow  hive." 
What  savs  DR.  WATTS? 

"  How  doth  the  busy,  busy  bee." 
MR.  SMITH. 

"  The  age  demands  her  hero." 
LORD  BYROX. 

"  [  want  a  hero,  an  uncommon  waul ." 


MR.  SMITH. 

"And  these  be  my  last  words." 
SIR  WALTER  SCOTT. 

"  Were  the  last  words  of  MARMION." 
MR.  SMITH. 

"  A  sigh  and  curse  together." 
SIE  WAI.TKR  SCOTT. 

"And  draws  his  last  sob  by  the  side  of  bis  (him.' 
MR.  SMITW. 

"  Niy/it,  and  the  moon  above." 
Latin  Delectus. 

"  NO.-C  erat,  taaque  fulgebat." 
MR.  SMITH. 

" Earth  gives  her  slow  consent" 
Old  Hundredth  Psalm. 

"  With  one  consent  let  all  the  Earth:' 
MR.  SMITH. 

"  And  islands  in  the  lustrous  Grecian  seas." 
LORD  BYRON. 

"  The  Isles  of  Greece,  the  Isles  of  Greece." 
MR.  SMITH. 

"  Be  hers  long  years  of  happiness  and  peace, 

The  Sovereign  of  our  heart." 
National  Anthem. 

"  Send  her  victorious, 
Happy  and  glorious, 
Long  to  reign  over  us, 

God  save  the  Queen" 
MR.  SMITH. 

"  The  breeze  is  prosperous,  mark  the  swelling  sail." 
MRS.  BARNEY  WILLIAMS. 

"The  wind  it  is  ready,  and  the  sail  it  is  set." 
MH..SMITH. 

"Each  star  that  twinkling  in  the  sky." 
Original  Poems  for  Infant  Minds. 

"  Twinkle,  twinkle,  little  star." 
MR.  SMITH. 

"  I  look  not  forward  unto  darker  days." 
DR.  CHARLES  MACKAY. 

"  There's  a  good  time  coming,  boys." 
MR.  SMITH. 

"  Now,  sound  trumpets," 
ALFRED  TENNYSON. 

"  Blow,  bugles,  blow,  set  the  wild  echoes  flying." 
MR.  SMITH. 

"  Cradled  on  yonder  loffy  pine" 
Nursery  Song. 

"  Hush-a-by  baby,  on  the  tree  top, 

When  the  wind  blows  the  cradle  will  rock." 
MR.  SMITH. 

"  No  character  that  servant-«w»««  asked." 
POPE. 

"Most  women  have  no  characters  at  all." 

But  enough.  The  same  process  by  which  the  Atben&um 
has  been  enabled  to  accumulate  proofs  of  MR.  SMITH'S 
dishonesty  would  equally  aid  Mr.  Punch,  but  the  work  has 
now  been  done  by  the  Twin  Critics — done,  too,  in  kindred 
spirit,  and  the  public,  despite  its  weak  admiration  for  MR. 
ALEXANDER  SMITH'S  freshness,  pathos,  and  vigour,  may 
take  the  solemn  assurance  of  the  Atheneeum  and  of  Punch, 
that  there  is  no  single  word  in  all  MR.  SMITH'S  poetry 
that  has  not  been  previously  used  by  somebody  else. 


POISONING  BY  MISTAKE  MADE  EASY. 

A  CHEMIST  and  Druggist  makes  the  following  offer  of 
terms  for  the  services  of  an  assistant : — 


No  doubt,  if  our  friend  the  chemist  and  druggist  can 
get  a  competent  assistant  at  the  terms  above  offered  lie 
has  a  right  to  do  so.  But  suppose  that  the  labour  is 
not  skilled— the  assistant  not  competent.  Tincture  of 
opium  is  put  up  by  mistake  for  black  dose,  or  muriate  of 
morphine  for  sulphate  of  quinine;  and  somebody  is  poisoned. 
In  such  a  case,  the  verdict  of  the  coroner's  jury  suroly 
ought  to  be  manslaughter  against  the  chemist  and  dnigg' 
for  employing  an  assistant  whom  he  could  not  expect 
be  qualified  for  a  situation  accepted  at  beggarly  terms 
like  those  above  instanced. 


\, 


SEPTEMBER  19,  1857.] 


UIJ,    OR   THE   LONDON    (TIATUVATU. 


123 


AN    AGREEABLE    CORRESPONDENT. 


.  Ti  yen, — "  I  WISH  to  address  a  few  words  to  you 
iu  your  character  of  pater  patritr ;  you  who  are  for  ever 
showing  up  some  official  VERKES,  or  crushing  some  domestic 
Cvm.iNE.  Doubtless,  inasmuch  as  you  nobly  hacked  up  the,  right, 
you  remember  how,  not  long  ago,  Ye  Ciyill  Scrvantes  of  f  Crowne 
most  uncivilly  carried  their  point  against  the  fatherly  kindness 
of  the  Ministry,  and  got  rid  of  what  they  blasphemously  called 
the  Superannuation  Swindle.  Swindle,  indeed  !  Don't  they  know 
full  well  that  it  was  all  done  out  of  love.  They  asked  for  bread,  and 
a  paternal  government  handed  them  a  stone,  after  the  most  approved 


rule  of  SOLOMON'S  model  father.  Well,  and  now  they  have  got  this 
miserable  5  per  cent,  (why,  bless  your  venerable  nose,  what '-  e  — - 
cent,  in  an  income  of  £70  ?  why,  it 's  only  £3  10*.  after  all, 


s  5  per 

— ,  — — ,a  mere 

nothing,  not  worth  squabbling  about!)  Mark,  I  say.  what  these 
rebellious  children  do  when  they  have  got  their  paltry  pounds. 
I  do  declare  I  met  that  reckless  young  spendtlirift,  BROWN,  tide- 
waiter  at  the  Customs,  actually  taking  his  wife  and  child  down  to 
Margate,  'for  a  day  or  two  on  spec,'  as  he  said,  'they've  never  seen 
the  sea  before ; '  he  added,  '  indeed,  we  have  not  been  out  of  Town 
these  seven  years.'  Of  course,  they  have  not !  What  right,  I  should 
like  to  know,  have  people  like  that  to  go  gadding  about,  looking  at  the 
sea,  just  as  if  they  were  Members  of  Parliament,  used  up  t>y  the 
Session-work  ? 

"  I  felt  pained  by  his  ingratitude,  but  said  nothing.  But,  as  if 
that  was  not  enough,  I  could  hardly  turn  round,  before  whom  should 
I  see  but  JOHN  ROBINSON,  of  the  Audit,  who  grasped  me  incontinently 
by  the  shoulder,  and  made  my  hair  stand  witli  horror,  as  he  rolled  out 
in  Ms  jolly  way:  '  I  say,  old  fellow,  what  do  you  think  1  "m  going  to  do 
on  spec  of  no  swindle  ?  Don't  tell  anybody,'  but  1  'm  going  to  pay  my 
M»lu>n»«n«. '  pav  nis  washerwoman,  indeed !  What  does  he  want 


recommended  him  to  do  long  ago,  I  think  he'll 'mend  yet.'  I  was 
rapidly  sickening,  but  managed  to  gasp  out  my  pleasure  at  the  news, 
and  bolted  on.  But  on  reaching  home,  my  horror  culminated,  for 
there,  on  the  table  lay  a  letter  in  the  well-known  bold  hand  of  HORNBY 
of  t  he  Home.  (He  took  a  good  degree  at  Oxford  in  184—,  and  has 
now  £200  a  year.)  It  began  :— 

"  '  SMITH,  my  dear  Boy,  Congratulate  me  !  Thanks  to  that  brick, 
LOUT)  NAAS.il  s  to  come  off  next  week  !  Her  eovernor,  you  remem- 
ber, said  1  must  wait  mother  year,  as  he  never'could  be  brought  to 
regard  £190  in  the  light  of  £200.  But  it 's  all  right,  now,  and  that 
ten  pounds  a-year  will  go  well  towards  an  assurance  for  LILY,'  &c.  &c. 

"  Will  you,  dear  Mr.  Punch,  by  some  affectionate  remonstrance,  put 


eck  upon  this  lavish  expenditure  (if  what  ought,  by  rights,  tc 
he  Public  money':1  \Vlia'  will  SIR  (i.  COKXVAI.I,  LKWIS  think? 
What  will  t!i:it,  much  m  •esman  think  of  it  all  P 

again  in  fear  and  trembling!     F'>r  m\   o«  11  part,  1  mean  to  refund 
annually  to  the  good  old  Chancellor,  my  humble  six  pounds,  and  J 
io  represent  it  as  coming  from  '  One  who  has  put  salt  on  a 
pheasant's  tail  without  a  licence.' 

"  I  am, 

"  ALGERNON  SMITH.' 


Till-;   SHIP  OF  KNAVES. 

"  STRAHAN,  PAC -i,  DATES,  AOAIL.  RnsaoH,  RKDPATH,  and  SAWARD.  are  among  tho 

•in  board  thu  .  a  the  rivor."- 

"  There  is  no  truth  iu  th»  i>«ragiui>li,  that  StitAiiAif,  PAUL,  4c." — (ilobe. 

STRAIIAV,    I'vr,,   HATES,  AGAU,    ROBSOX,  and    REDPATH   and 
SAWAHD— 

\\  li  i-aldiim  ! — shipped  in  the  Sile  ! 

To  record  their  discourse  on  their  sail  Bot'ny-bav-ward, 

Would  need  JEM  the  1'enman's  experience  and  style. 

Those  two  do/.en  pilgrims  of  glorious  DAN  CHAUCER, 
r.iion  o'er  rough  Kentish  ways, 

By  "righte  merric  gcstcs,"  though  at  times  rather  coarser 
Than  our  high-toned  morality  likes  now-a-n 

But  what  arc  the  tali  it's  fame  has  been  won  by 

Compared  to  the  tales  of  that  precious  sMp 
How  PAUL,  famed  for  doing  in  ways  we  'd  be  done  by, 

With  his  pious  out-pourings  had  lightened  the  road ! 

AVhat  a  gold-mine  of  thrilling  adventure  in  Ac  AH — 
The  disguises — the  dodges— the  ride  in  the  van ! 

What  schemes  for  wind-raising,  more  vast,  e'en  if  vaguer, 
From  BATES,  that  remarkably  bus'aess-like  man. 

Or  from  REDPATH,  whose  rirtii  made  London  and  Paris  stir, 

Till  his  "  Ciedii  Mobilicr  "  fell  below  par  ! 
Then  what  rich  legal  lore,  from  JEM  SAWAJID  the  barrister, 

Who,  alas,  somenow  got  on  the  wrong  side  the  bar ! 

From  ROBSON,  what  small  talk  of  coulisse  and  green-room, 
W  here  business  with  pleasure  he  used  to  beguile  ! 

And  1  thought,  as  I  read — if  there  only  had  been  room — 
What  a  privilege  'twere  to  go  out  by  the  Nile! 

As  that  ship's  river-eponym,  yearly  o'erflowing, 
Leaves  the  slime  of  new  harvests  to  fatten  the  shore, 

I  thought  what  a  crop  of  life-lore  would  be  growing 
From  the  Nile-mud,  deposited  e'er  we  got  o'er ! 

I  had  fancied  the  stories,  had  pictured  their  tellers, 

'  Nile-Eclogues '  already  appeared  in  my  brain ; 
At  two  shillings  all  stations  found  buyers  and  sellers, 

With  a  cut  on  the  cover,  or  one-ana-six  plain. 

But  alas,  as  the  world  still  knocks  down'all  romances. 
So  the  Globe  dispelled  mine — they  'd  have  been  such  a  hit ! 

Where  I  read  this  Nile-freight  was  mere  penny-a-line  fancies, 
And  found  that "  Ex  NUo  "—in  fact,  "  nihilfit." 


SOURCES  OF  HAPPINESS. 

IF  you  would  enjoy  the  Theatre,  pay  for  your  admission;  if  you 
would  stand  well  with  your  friends,  give  them  good  dinners,  and  plenty 
of  them ;  if  you  are  anxious  to  spend,  a  fortune,  publish  books  at  your 
own  expense ;  if  you  want  to  pass  a  quiet  day,  there 's  the  Thames 
I'unncl  open  to  you ;  if  you  are  fond  of  scandal,  live  in  a  boarding- 
louse ;  if  you  hive  a  taste  for  law,  buy  horses,  and  be  sure  you  have  a 
varranty  with  each  of  them;  if  your  pleasure  lies  in  grumbling,  turn 
cstryniau;  if  you  would  sleep  soundly,  keep  the  baby  out  ot'  the 
oom;  if  you  would  live  happily  with  vour  wife,  never  contradict  her; 
F  you  would  live  at,  peace  and  goodwill  with  all  men,  get  the  situation 
if  toll-keeper  at  Waterloo  Bridge. 


A  New  Line   of  Business. 

LOLA  MONIES  has  bad  a  new  card  printed.    It  is  embossed  all  over 
ith  horsewhips,  pistols,  rev9lvers,  and  bull-dogs.    At  the  bottom,  in 
lie  most  elegant  type,  there  is  the  following  insinuating  intimation : — 
parties  touitft)  nn,  tinb  ptttls  iirnngcb  on  the  most  Titusonublc  i~ 

[LOLA  MONTES  U  respectfully  informed  that  tha  Editor  does  not  hold  himself 
responsible  for  this  paraifraph.J 


124 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LOXDOX   CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  19,  1857. 


THE    SWIMMERS. 

Gtoryina.  "  Now,  CLARA,  THAT  "a   NOT  FAIR — YOU  KNOW  YOU   HAVE  ONE  FOOT  ON 

THB  GRODND." 


A  TATHER'S  PUNISHMENT. 

Scene  : — A  Luxurious  Library  iu  Belgravia. 

Selgravian  Parent  (sternly).  "  My  dear  ROSA, 
FANNY,  and  AMELIA,  I  have  called  you  together 
to  say  that  I  have  every  reason  to  be  displeased 
with  your  conduct,  which  I  consider  most 
undutiful.  More  than  that,  I  must  say  I  think  it 
most  unkind.  (Recovering  himself.)  Yon  know, 
my  dear  girls,  my  objection  to  your  present  style 
of  costume.  You  know  those  large  Crinoline 
dresses  seriously  oft'end  me,  and  you  will  persist 
in  wearing  them.  I  do  not  mind  telling  you  that 
I  had  intended  treating  you  this  autumn  to  a 
trip  to  Biarritz,  where  you  would  have  had  an 
opportunity  of  mixing  with  Royalty,  and  of 
rambling  over  the  Pyrenees,  in  the  very  foot- 
steps, perhaps,  of  EUGENIE.  As  it  is,  my  dear 
daughters,  to  mark  my  displeasure,  1  shall  only 
take  you  down  to  Manchester  to  see  the 
Exhibition." 

[ROSA,  FANNY,  and  AMELIA  burst  into  tears, 
and  are  carried  up-stairs  sobbing. 


Pedestal  for  Tenner's  Monument. 

THEY  say  that  a  statue  of  JEXNER  is  about  to 
be  placed  in  Trafalgar  Square.  Good  taste  will 
of  course  preside  at  its  erection ;  and  therefore 
we  propose  a  notion  for  a  pedestal  appropriate 
to  the  statue,  which  will  give  JENNER  a  very 
much  funnier  position  than  that  of  the  DUKE  by 
St.  George's  Hospital.  Stick  the  great  discoverer 
of  Vaccination  on  the  point  of  a  lancet -arch ! 


ROUGE-ET-NOIR. 


Lobster    (staking  his  existence    on  the 
"Black,  I  win— Red,  I  lose  !  !  !  " 


game). 


GAMBLING  MADE  EASY  AND  COMFOBTABLE. 

WE  have  seen  a  magnificent  advertisement  of  the  "BATHS  OF 
HOMBURG,"  iu  which  the  Tapis  vert  is  made  to  glow  with  quite  a 
coulevr  de  rose.  The  advertisement  is  all  roses,  whilst  the  thorns  are 
carefully  kept  out,  of  view.  We  draw  the  reader's  attention  to  the 
that  lurks  under  these  beautiful  flowers  of  speech.  We 
accordingly  take  the  liberty  of  amending  the  advertisement,  as  it  lias 
evidently  issued  forth  blooming,  a  la  GEOHGE  ROBINS,  from  the  flowery 
pen  of  some  poetic  croupier: — 

"  TTOMBURGH  (IN  ALL  ITS  STAGES),  near  Frankfort-the-Deuce-is- 
-1  tbe-Maiuo.— SUMMKK  SEASON,  1S5V.— The  Mineral  Waters  of  Homl.urgh 
have  long  been  celebrated  for  their  cleansing  properties,  especially  in  their  action 
on  the  i  •  t,  which  they  clean  out  in  almost  no  time.    They  stimu- 

late tht;  monetary  circulation,  and  are  powerful  remedial  agents  in  removing 
burs,  bolts,  iofks,  or  other  causes  which  are  known  to  impede  the  proper 
distribution  of  wealth.  They  expand  the  heart,  let  it  be  ever  so  close  ;  and  they, 
alao,  throw  open  the  hand,  no  matter  how  close-fisted,  making  it  part  freely  with 
any  amount  of  gold  that  may  be  secreted  in  it.  In  canes  of  an  undue  repletion  of 
coin,  thfy  urt  \\ith  tin.-  most  beneficial  results.  In  less  thau  an  hour,  the  patient  is 
so  considerably  relieved,  that  be  feels  quite  a  different  man. 

"The(  i:i]>tedof  its  kind.      It  is  surrounded  with  thick, 

impenetrable,  retired  forests,  in  which  the  patient,  who  has  been  suffering  from  the 

.-e  heat  of  the  roi.ni,  may,  perfL-ctly  unobserved,  recover  at  his  leisure  his 

accustomed  nerve  an •  ,ble  him  quickly  to  return  and  lose 

more  money.     He  may  five  audible  vent  to  his  rage  and  disappointment,  and  no 

v  a  word  of  his  agonising  regrets.    There  are  delicious  sparkling  fountains, 

in  which  he  cm  icred  brow.     There  are  lovely  gardens,  of  which  the 

perfume  is  more  than  Mifiicient  to  take  captive  the  little  sense  the  perturbed  wanderer 

:icr  arbours,  laughing  rivulets,  smiling  statues — all  conspire 

to  cheat  the  visitor  into  a  momentary  gleam  of  happiness.  The  trees  whisper  hope 
—the  very  zephyrs  carry  into  the  dizzy  brain  sweet  tones  of  comfort.  The  broad 
terrace,  with  such  a  commanding  view  before  it  that  it  seems  almost  to  look  into  the 
future,  is  paved  with  the  very  best  intentions. 

.•round*,  murmurs  softly,  most  invitingly,  a  smooth  glittering  river. 

re,  with  all  their  depth  even,  have  never  been  able  to 

id  bosom,  patients  have  effectually  sought  a  refuge  from  the 

is  deceitful  world.     Lethe  maybe  called  its  name,  for  one  plunge 

ndly  waters  is  indeed  oblivion,  but  oblivion  in  its  sweetest  form 

ire  for  ever  washed  away  in  an  effervescing  torrent  of  rose-water! 

:nning.  secluded,  dark  spot,  with  a  weeping  willow,  in  the  finest 

bending  funereally  over  it.     It  is  called  '  LE  HANs-Sooci  Dn 

JOUKUH.     Ophelia  might  sigh  in  vain  for  a  more  attractive  spot 

"The  nun. I  .ispnnd  in  this  Elysium  of  gaiety  and  gambling     The 

band  which  is  given  to  roulette  in  the  morning,  can  be  devoted  to  waltzing  in  the 
evening.  There  are  balls,  other  than  those  which  spin  round  the  haz.ord-tahle 
which  take  place  three  time«  a  week.  The  losses  of  the  afternoon  can  be  effectually 


blackness  (A'oir)  of  despair  is  often  succeeded  by  the  hectic  blush  (Rouge)  of  success. 
It  should  always  be  borne  in  mind  by  the  timid,  that  those  who  experience  the 
greatest  ill-luck  at  cards,  are  proverbially  fated  to  be  blest  with  the  greatest  success 
in  love.  '  Cf  sonl  (literally)  /!*  /<.  HX  de  I' Amour  et  du  Hazard.' 

"  A  capital  restaurant  is  attached  to  the  Saloon.  In  dining,  as  in  playing,  there  is 
no  '  charge  for  the  table.'  Restoratives  always  ready,  American  or  otherwise.  iC 

"  There  is  capital  shooting  in  the  neighbourhood.    The  report  of  a  ^ 
alarms  the  experienced  habitue.    There  are  pistols  and  guns,  always  on  sale,   or 
hire,  in  the  gambling  saloon.     Powder  and  shot,  and  ammunition  of  every  kind  can 
be  procured,  at  the  very  lowest  terms,  at  the  Ball-room. 

"  On  the  closing  day,  there  is  always  a  grand  battue,  at  twelve  o'clock  even  a 
at  night,  when,  such  is  the  demand  for  fire-arms,  that  it  is  with  difficulty  a  gun,  or 
pistoi,  can  be  procured,  either  for  love  or  money.  It  is  a  scene  of  the  grandest 
excitement  worthy  of  CALLOTT,  or  EDGAR  POE. 

"  There  are  several  experienced  surgeons  engaged  at  the  establishment.  There 
is  also  a  most  commodious  Hospital  for  the  reception  of  the  nervous,  or  the 
-'i^ilK'lrmts,  who  may  meet  with  any  accidents  whilst  out  shooting.  It  is  in  the 
proximity  of  the  salle  du  je>.i,  so  that  the  patient,  though  stretched  on  a  bed  of 
suffering,  may  be  enlivened  by  the  agreeable  cannonading  of  the  roulette-ball,  or  the 
playful  rattle  of  the  dice.  The  croupier's  voice  can  be  distinctly  heard  by  the  dying, 
as  he  joyfully  exclaims,  'Messieurs,  le  Jen.  estfait.' 

"  To  meet  the  prejudices  of  English  visitors,  a  Coroner,  of  twenty  years',  sitting, 
from  one  of  the  most  criminal  counties  of  Ireland,  is  engaged  for  the  Season. 

"  A  Band  plays  beautifully  and  loudly,  all  day  long,  and  by  its  inspiriting  strains 
effectually  drowns  the  cries  of  the  wounded,  or  the  groans  of  those  who  aix-  either 
despairing,  or  disabled.  The  '  Dead  March'  is  a  favourite  piece  of  their  n(i>ertoire. 

"  English  beer  ('  HASARD'S  entire  ')  always  on  draught. 

"  N.B.  Funerals  contracted  for  in  the  most  liberal  spirit." 

The  above  is  the  true  picture,  with  all  the  varnish  rubbed  off,  of 
such  places  as  Homburgh,  Spa,  Wiesbaden,  Baden-Baden,  Ems,  and 
the  like.  But  we  doubt  if  the  Duke  of  Nassau,  the  Grand  duke  of 
Baden-Baden,  or  other  highminded  potentates  who  derive  a  lara-e 
rental  from  !the  letting  of  their  gambling-rooms,  would  like  to  exhibit 
such  a  picture,  truthfully  as  we  have  coloured  it,  to  tiie  inspection  of 
the  fools  who  are  enticed,  in  their  names,  to  be  fleeced  every  year  at 
their  mineral-watering-places,  where  gambling  is  made  as  seductive 
as  possible. 

The  Peto  of  Piano-Fortes. 

"  YES,  Gentlemen,  I  mean  to  say  that  MB.  BROADWOOD  is  indeed  the 
Architect,  of  his  own  fortune,  for  his  whole  life  has  been  passed  in 
building  Cottages,  and  running  up  Grand  Squares."  (Tremendous  C/ieers.) 


MARRY  (AND  DON'T)  COME  IT  p. 

A  FELLOW  that 's  single,  a  fine  fellow 's  he : 
But  a  fellow  that 's  married 's  nfelo  de  se. 


Fife!*!  h,  H  .Ulai. i  Bridbmrj  of  No.  13  u.per  Woomrn  Pl.ce.  and  Frederick  Mulett  E.an.,  of  Mo.  19.  Queer/.  Ko.il  WeM.  Regmf.  Par 
L«X^-liiVu"t7Sini»!l»*i9  m?*  "         '"'W-  "'  Whlttt-Un,  in  the  City  of  London,  .ad  rubli.h,d.  br  them  at 


k,  both  IB  the  Parish  of  St.  Paicraa.  In  the  County  of  1 
No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  thi   Pariah  at  St.  Bride,  in  the  U.tf  o 


SEPTEMBER  26,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


125 


BOBBING  A  MARE'S  NEST. 

"  SIR, 

"  I  OPE  you  'II  illow  me  to  say  jest  one  word  in 
liearf  of  a  Wurthy  and  Hespcetalile  body  of  Menu  attaeteti 
by  a  hojus  and  onjnst  in-inwasion.  Look  here,  Sir,  at.  this 
car  parrowgraph,  as  apcard  won  day  last  week  in  the  Time* 
nusepaper  : — 

"A  SIGNIFICANT  FACT.— After  the  bankruptcy  of  MIMM  MARE 
AMD  Co..  the  extciiM  I'liildom  at  Bluckwall,  nearly  the 

whole  of  the  marine-store  dealers'  nhop«  in  that  neighbourhood  were 
cluaed.  The  depredations  by  tome  of  the  men  employed  at  theno 
works  were  Immense,  so  much  so  that  it  was  found  absolutely  essen- 
tial to  have  a  budy  of  the  Metr»|K>liU»  Police  stationed  •"  »"• 
premises  to  dut.  ;rrs.  The  properly  stolen  was  estimated 

at  several  thuuaand  j>oundn  jier  annum." 

"1'eraps,  Sir,  the  monin  of  the  abuv'  maint  be  quite 
hobveus  to  You  and  your  readers  at  fust  sight,  thearfour 
it.  may  be  Necessary  foi  me  to  ixplain  for  your  and  theer 
iiifainalion  tlie  Charge  Intended  to  be  Conveyed  in  tin: 
Same,  bo  in  as  mueh  a-,  to  say  tliat  Respectable  Mercliants 
in  our  Line  of  biznis  at  Hlackwall  under  pertencc  of  wot 
we  calls  Marine  Stoars,  wos  in  pint  of  fact  deelers  in 

j  Stoaln  Goods.    Tl>  I  ment  to  be  Signifyd  by  the 

Significant  Fact  wliirli  it  is  a  liebill  on  as  onist  and  eye- 
minded  a  lloddy  of  Menu  as  ar  anuther  in  the  Kitnnmnit  v ; 

I  whioh  avin  thuss  wliij)cd  horf  the  Stiirmer  eonfer'd  by  tlic 
Times  on  our  caricature,  I  remain,  Sir,  Your  Most  obeegent 
umble  Servint, 

"  Mount  Pleasant,  Sept.,  1857,  "  JOHN  RAGS." 

"  Deler  in  Marine  Stoars." 

"  •••  The  Full  Valley  Given  and  no  Questions  ast. 
Suspition  hallways  aunts  the  Gilty  Minde." 


First  Coster.  "  WHY,  JACK  !    WHAT  's  ALL  THAT  ? " 

Second  Do.  "WELL,  I  CAN'T  SAT  I    UNLESS  IT'S  FIREWORKS!' 


Anglo-Saxon    Sentiment. 

MAT  the  rupture  of  the  Electric  Cable  be,  so  long  as  the 
same  language  binds  the  two  nations  together,  the  only 
rupture  between  England  and  America  ! 

EXTENSIVE  DRAPERY.— AT  a  Conceit  lately  given  at  a 
fashionable  watering-place  there  were  present  140  ladies,  the 
united  circumferences  of  whose  dresses  amounted  to  1700 
yards. 


BRITISH   SCULPTURE  EQUALLED   IN   ROME. 

JOHN  BULL  cannot  make  a  statue,  and  he  never  could;  but  there 
are  other  people  who  could  once  and  apparently  can  no  more — witness 
the  foreign,  as  well  as  the  native,  models  for  the  Wellington  Monu- 
ment. Witness  not.  onlylhose  failures,  but  witness  also  a  fiasco  or 
mull  which  has  been  made  in  the  metropolis  of  Art  itself,  and  that  by 
a  Roman  artist,  and  more  than  that,  by  an  artist  appointed  and  com- 
missioned by  the  POPE  himself.  This  is  the  monument  which  has 
been  erected  by  command  of  his  HOLINESS  on  the  Piazza  di  Spagna  in 
commemoration  of  the  addition  of  the  dogma  of  the  Immaculate  Con- 
ception to  the  Roman  Catholic  creed;  and  which  is  described  by  the 
correspondent  of  a  contemporary  as  a — 

"Colossal  figure  in  bronxc.  whose  diameter  exceeds  that  of  the  column  which 

it.  to  xiv  noUiiiiK  ol  tin-  L-ivseent  and  globe,  surrounded  by  the  < 
>:mgelists,  also  in   bron/.e,  on   \vhu-h   the  Madouua  stands,  and  which  add 
to  the  weight  of  the  summit." 

The  author  of  this  account  'goes  on  to  describe  the  structure  on 
which  the  statue  is  elevated  as  composed  of  marbles  variously  coloured 
— gilt,  yellow,  white,  greenish  with  white  stripes,  the  pedestal  also 
consisting  of  coloured  marbles.  Thus  the  monument  itself  is  an 
artistic  conception  which  is  quite  the  reverse  of  immaculate,  and 
appears  to  typify  the  direct  opposite  of  what  the  POPE  intended  it  to 
commemorate.  According  to  our  informant,  moreover,  the  statue  on 
the  top  of  the  column  is  out  of  the  perpendicular,  and  slopes  so  much 
to  the  Westward  as  to  look  unsafe,  and  to  cause  the  Romans  to  quicken 
their  footsteps  in  pawing  ii  ;  whilst,  raising  suspicious  glances  at  the 
danting  ima;:e.  they  mutter,  " pende "— it  leans  f  Now,  a  terremoto  is 
a  not  very  uncommon  oeemn-ucr  in  Italy,  and  if  the  monument  is  top- 
and  loaded  with  a  statue  inclining  from  the  centre  of  jrravitv, 
sooner  or  later  a  catastrophe  miirht  happen  whioh  we  may  indicate  in 
the  following  adaptation  from  one  of  the  songs  of  infancy  : — 

"  Hush-a-by  statue,  upon  tho  pile's  top, 

the  eaith  shakes,  the  pillar  will  rock  ; 
It'  thy  earth  lif;tves  the  structure  will  f;ill  : 
And  down  will  come  statue,  and  dogma  and  all." 

In  the  minds  of  a  superstitious  population  the  dogma  will  tumble 


with  the  statue.  If,  however,  the  column  should  stand  firm  after 
having  received  the  benediction  of  the  Poi'E.  who  had  made  arrange- 
ments to  bless  it  on  the  8th  of  this  month,  of  course  the  Tablet  and 
the  Uniters  will  assert  that  its  stability  in  apposition  out  of  equilibrium 
is  maintained  by  a  miracle.  At  present  it  appears  to  lie  - 
marvel  of  incongruity,  comicality,  and  misproportion,  and  Jon  • 
may  rejoice  in  the  knowledge  that  Italian  genius  has  now  at  last  pro- 
duced a  work  of  architecture  and  sculpture  worthy  of  a  place  by  the 
side  of  our  British  chef  d'rruvre  on  the  top  of  BURTON'S  Arch  ;  which 
it  would  keep  in  countenance,  and  at  the  same  time  assist  in  creating 
public  merriment. 


THE  BEST  MONUMENT  TO  JENNER. 

A  YOUNG  lady  was  solicited  to  contribute  towards  the  JENNER 
Statue.  "Nay,"  she  said,  reverently,  "I  consider  I  have  already 
erected  a  monument  to  his  honour,"  and  she  pointed  to  her  beautiful 
countenance;  and  true  cnout:li,  thanks  to  JEXNER'S  discovery,  there 
could  not  be  discerned  upon  it  the  smallest  disfigurement  by  the  small 
pox.  Acting  upon  this  idea,  we  have  to  make  the  following  smooth- 
laced  proposition.  We  beg  to  suggest  that  every  handsome  lady, 
single  or  married,  or  widow,  who,  having  been  duly  vaccinated,  has 
succeeded  in  preserving  her  beauty  from  the  ravages  of  the  above  fearful 
visitation,  be  requested  to  take  her  turn  in  standing  for  one  hour  only 
of  her  lifetime  on  a  pedestal  in  Trafalgar  Square.  We  maintain  that 
the  exhibition  of  her  face,  in  its  unblemished  state  of  loveliness,  would 
be  the  handsomest,  at  the  same  time  the  most  appropriate,  statue  that 
could  possibly  be  erected  to  JENNEU  ;  and  a  statue,  too,  that  would  be 
sure  in  every  age  to  command  the  ready  homage  of  all  men. 


Birds  of  a  Feather. 

THE  admirers  (their  name  is  not  Legion)  of  "Cox  of  Finsbury," 
boast  that  he  has  "  sat "  during  the  Session  longer  than  any  other 
member.  To  what  result  ?  In  the  absence  of  a  reply,  Mr.  Punch 
may  observe  that  the  disesteem  popularly  entertained  for  Crowing 
Hens  may  be  extended  to  Sitting  Cox. 


VOL.   XXXIII. 


126 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  26,  1857. 


A  ROMANCE:  OF  HAMPTON  COURT. 

ONE  of  the  French  heroes  of  the  Crimea,  now  on  a  visit* to  us,  his 
allies.  \\rites  t<>  "  the.  Governor  of  the.  Chateau  of  Hampton  Court,    to 


"  Never  in  better,  my  lord— the  hissing,  an  ye  pause  at  the  door,  is 

IIM   that  ot'a  locomotive." 

"  Under  these  circumstances,  begin  thy  letter,"  said  the  Governor. 
The  unhappy  man  flung  himself  on  the  ground,  clasped  the  Gover- 
.    .  nor's  knees,  and  adjured  him  to  show  mercy.    He  could  no  more  write 

complain  of  insult  received  by  himself  and  a  lady  companion,  from  an   a  French  letter  than  fly,  be  said.     He  implored  compassion. 

Not  only,  Mr.  Punch   hopes,  will  the  example       "  There  is  the  Dictionary,  hound  !"  said  the  Governor.     "The  dial 
•  rd  have  been  made,  but   the;  whole  body  of  officials   points  to  six.     At,  seven,  if  the  letter  be  unfinished,  I  will  rack  thee 
II.  he.  trusts,  receive  intimation  that  they  are  t he    f,,r  an  hour, and  then  consign  thee  to  the  toads  and  snakes."     And  the 
servants  of  '!»•  ).ul)lie,  and  that  their  duty  is  civility.     Moreover  the   Governor  lit  an  enormous  pipe  of  the  period. 

exceeding  good  behaviour  of  the  thousands  who  visit  Hampton  Court       The.  unhappy  man  sat  down  in  an  agony  of  despair.    But  catching 
daring  the  summer  entitles  them  to  the  utmost  respect,  and  even  if;  the  iicry  eye  of  his  lord,  he  sei/ed  the  pen,  and  began— 

ics  to  lie  peremptory,  that  a  crowd  may  not  be  I     ,,  5Iouilsl)er  » 
(1  while  an  excited  gent  is  harcrumg  for  his  habstract  right  to         " 

•unction  HUM   be  made  in  the  case  of  a  stranger,  to   ,      hen  he  looked  up  piteously.     But  there  was  no  mercy  for  him.     He 
whom  h  dictates  especial  courtesy.    The  ronsiderat ion  shown  '  looked  .wildly  round,   and   seeing  a  nail  at  some  distance  from  the 

inent  to  foreigners  desirous  to  see  sights   is  proverbial,  !  Rround,  be    suddenly  hanged  himself    thereto,   by   his  handkerchief. 
and  P.-  nuphiining,  is   g*  was  instantly  cut  down,  and  replaced  at  his  work..  In  utter 


despair  he  proceeded,  picking  words  from  the  book. 

"  Jo  suis  trts  fachd  quc  jo  donuer  vous  aucun  sauce  mats — " 


able  to  ti'siify  tuthe  irenei-al  politeness  of  our  police,  which  he  contrasts 
with  the  hi  haviour  of  the  Hampton  Court  Humble. 

Sentteman'sappeal  to  "  M  the  Governor  of  the  Chateau ,,"       The  Governor's  head  was  averted,  the  vassals  gossiped  in  whispers, 
was  not  made  in  vain,     rxo  sooner  bad  be  read    be  charge  than  he   He  watched  his  opportunity  and  sprang  from  the  turret  window  an 
,als,  and  having  borrowed  a  COVERS  trench  die-   „„,<•„]  j.  ;  'lt,    "„ 


summoned  tv 

from  a  Bri;  -h  dramatis.)  who  bad  taken  lodgings  at  Hampton 
to  complete  an  original  play,  the  Governor  desired  the  offender  to  be 
brought  to  him  in  the  eastern  turret.  The  rays  of  the  setting  sun 
gilded  bower  and  lattice,  the  lucid  stream  beneath  the  window  sparkled 
like  a  v:>llesv  of  diamonds,  while  the  Maze  lay  like  au  emerald  hi  its 
green  richness  of  beauty. 

•-,  ifaekins,  and  by  our  Lady,"  said  the  Governor,  as  the 
trembling  creature  was  dragged  in,  and  the  massy  iron-bound  door 


ii:  hind  him,  "marry  come  up,  sirrah.  So,  thou  hast  insulted  a 
gentleman  of  France,  a  gallant  knight,  who  honoured  our  poor  chateau 
with  a  . 

"So  please  ye  •  --  "  faltered  the  offender. 

"But.  it  does  not  please  me.  "thundered  the  Governor  of  the  Chateau, 
at.  thou  shah  straightway  behold.    Seest  that  book?"  he  cried, 
dashing  the  :     VKR  upon  the  oaken  table. 

I  do  —  I  do"  —  stuttered  the  culprit  —  adding  in  confused  terror, 
like  MR.HARLEY'S,  "I  do,  most—  most—  audacious,  preposterous,  and 
aii'i'mlious  Sir,  I  do." 

i  thou  that  sheet  of  paper,tdog,  and  that  pen,  and  that  ink  ?  ' 


'irtnnate  man  stammered  out  an  assent. 

"  *"  ,dow»  1  !''•",  slave,  and  bi  from  yon  three-legged 

nned  me,  in   the  French  language,  an  ample 
Hani  thou  hast,  insulted." 

'  be  culprit. 
In  French.    Thou  didV  insult  him  in  English,  therefore  shall  thy 

E*.  is  thy  «  ,  ,iy,  ;n  case  ol- h'is 

His;  and  I  have  newly 
n-ned  points,  for  the  betteV 

!  a  and  toad  dungeon  in  order ':  " 


awful  depth.    Two  vigilant  sentinels  caught  him  in  their  in:. 
brought  him  up-stairs.    He  was  again  placed  at  his  paper, and  wrote, 

"  I,c  fact  est,  que  je  avals  prendre  un  verre  dc  ejude  vie  a  quije  suis  non  accou- 
tu  mi  et— " 

A  brilliant  idea.  He  held  one  of  GILLOTT'S  enormous  steel  pens,  as 
a  dagser.  pie  instantly  and  frantically  stabbed  himself,  but 
tin;  point  broke  on  the  buckle  of  his  braces,  and  a  goosequill  was 
immediately  thrust  into  his  baud.  He  continued, 

"II  avoir  touclui  mou  teta,  at—" 

Seizing  the  inkstand,  the  wretched  man,  now  excited  to  madness, 

"  it  will  not 
"  At  least,  not 
it.  Replenish  the  bottle,  PETER,  and  wat'ch  him.' 

"  I  can  do  no  more,"  gasped  the  ill-fated  man.  •  "Do  your -worst." 

"  Sayest  thou  ?  "  said  the  Governor.  "  We  will  not  rack  him  to-night, 
PETER,  as  I  have  a  dinner  party,  whom  his  shrieks  misrht  disturb. 
Throw  him  to  the  snakes,  SIMON,  and  we  will  talk  to  what  is  left  of 
him  in  the  morning." 

"  Mercy !  mercy ! "  cried  the  doomed  man.  "  I  could  never  abide  black 
beedles,  let  alone  snakes,  and  as  for  toads— ugh !  Mercy,  my  lord,  and 
I  will  never  offend  in  the  like  sort  asain." 

_  The  sun  was  now  sinking  behind  the  majestic  trees,  and  darting  long,! 
lines  of  radiance  through  their  foliage  like  fiery  darts.    Earth  - 
bathed  in  stillness,  and  the  very  fountains  plashed  more  musically  than' 
their  wont.     Cursed   be  the  heart,   that   is   unmoved   by  the 
influences  of  nature's  loveliness.    The  Governor,  a  stern  man,  whose 
heart  was  as  a  sealed  fountain,  gave  way. 

"  Open  the  door,"  he  said,  gently. 

The  massy  door  stood  open. 

"Take  that,  hound!"  he  said,  kicking  the  culprit  through  it,  and 
with  another  kick  sending  him  from  the  top  of  the  stairs  to  the  bottom ; 
"and  that !     And,"  he  roared,  " never  let  me  catch  thee  insulting  my 
visitors  again.    PETER  and  SIMON,  go  to  the  buttery  and  c 
flagon.    Ha !  the  dinner  gong !    I  must  apparel  me  for  the  banquet." 


MORMON  INTELLIGENCE. 

THE  Mormons  have  invented  a  new  Alphabet.  They  are  to  have  a 
newspaper  of  their  own,  set  up  in  type  that  they  only  can  read.  The 
Mormons  are  a  separate  type  of  people,  and  as  such  we  see  no  harm  in 
their  having  a  separate  type  to  themselves.  On  the  contrary, 
rejoiced  that,  the  good  honest  type,  which  is  generally  used  for  the 
purposes  of  civilisation,  will  not  be  defiled  by  their  foul  fingers.  In 
truth,  we  possessed  no  type  that  could  have  suited  their  base  purposes. 
"  Bourgeois,"  for  a  set  of  dissolute  reprobates  that  have  not  a  good 
Bourgeois  amongst  them,  would  have  been  far  too  respectable. 

Minion "  would  have  been  about  the  most  congenial  representative 
of  a  minion  race  like  them.  We  fervently  hope  that  the  Mormon 
characters  are  such  as  cannot  possibly  be  met  with  in  any  other  part 
of  the  world— characters  of  so  base  a  cast  that  no  respectable  printer 
would  Jhink  of  admitting  them  into  his  establishment.  It  should  be 
with  Englishmen  a  great  source  of  congratulation,  that  a  people,  that 
has  not  a  single  thought  in  common  with  us,  should  have  adopted  a 
distinctive  medium  for  giving  shape  to  their  thoughts  on  paper.  It  is 
a  safeguard,  for  which  we  should  id,  as  there  will  be,  less 

clanger  ot  our  simple-minded  cooks  and  housemaids  being,  for  the 
future,  corrupted  by  their  dangerous  doctrines.  ' 


A  WOUD  FROM  AVON   TO  JUMNA.— "Crv  'H\VELOCK  ! ' 
•Hip  the  dogs  of  war." 


and  let 


SEPTEMBER  26,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


127 


THE  DEPREDATORS  OF  DOVER. 

KA\Ki.iF.Ks  will  rejoice  to  learn 

Diner 
have  n 

-  \\i;h  tlio-i 

,    the.     port IMS    < 
The   ringleader,  other- 
wise master  of  ilu^c  fellows, 
MR.  Gmfi'.s,    has,   according 
to    the   Tim 

for  three  month.-.    '1  he  oil" 
of    I  as    one  of 

omission  —  he    had    thought 

0  omit  to  enter  i1 
1 1 -book  acomphi.i 
one  of  his  gang,  . 
r>AKi:it,  charged   with   having 
;  Iv    refused   to  carry  a 

nevertheless,    rra 

ward    of    his    insolence,  in    a 

MAYOR   or   DOYKK,  \ 
sided    at   the  tribunal    before 
which     these    wort  hit 
averted  on 

want  of  discipline   and  order 
which  had  been  found  to  pervade  the  body  of  licensed  poiters,  who 
appear  to  conduct  themselves  in  an  intolerably  licentious  manner,  and, 
indeed,  to  take  liberties  which  exceed  the  bounds  of  all  licence.     His 
.  worship  also  expressed  a  strong  opinion  of  the  necessity  of 
I  work  in  order  to  remedy  the  complaint  so  loudly  ami 
against  the  Dover  porters.     It  is  n  which 

adjudicated  on  the   >  '  s  the 

Dover  Local   Hoard  of  Health;  from  which  circumstance,  it 
appears  that  the  inhabitants  of  Dover  itself  have  come  to  regard  the 
fraternity  of  licensed  porters  as  a  regular  nuisance. 


bidding.     In  this  way  he  has  been  known  to  despatch  lifty  couriers 
ill  the  course  of  one  night. 

His  letters  arc   I.V.Hi  /*••/•'//••./,  rilher   more   : 

I'AI.- 
rox,  it  will  be  readily  conceived  that,  his  hoi 

n  for 
.  -.'  a  >  ear. 
During  th 

on!,  he  has  nlwa. 

who;  him  with  I  heir  sabres  drawn,   and  their  tides  loaded. 

Under  his   white   wai:-tcoat    he  M-armour.      His 

-liani  is  ballet-proof.     His  favourite  we  crs,  one  in 

the  right  pocket,  and  the  other  (ofsi.v  )  iu  the  left.     They 

alacca  cane,  the 


PORTRAIT  OF  LORD  PALMERSTON. 

AS  IMAGINED   GENIBALLY  BY    FOKEIGKEBS. 

Hi;  is  a  minister,  he  is  a  fire-eater,  he  is  a  child-hater,  he  is  a  woman- 
scorncr,  be  is  a  man-oppressor. 

It  is  doubtful  whether  he  hasn't  a  cloven  hoof.  At  all  events,  his 
right  foot  has  all  the  stamp  of  one.  From  the  peculiar  side-way  in 
which  he  sits  on  the  edge  of  a  chair,  it  is  not  quite  certain  whether  he 
has  not,  also,  a  cuidal  appendage!  His  manners  would,  decidedly, 

h  a  loahtilic;'!  belief. 

It   is  impossible  to  say  when  LORD  PALMERSTON  goes  to  bed,  or 

when  he  rises,  for  he  scarcely  ever   sleeps.     Certainly,  there  is  no 

record  of  his  having  ever  been  caught  asleep.    Occasionally,  he  rests 

1  on  a  loaded  camion,  and  snatches  a  few  minutes'  rest.    He 

if  fifty-four  seconds  for   his  breakfast.     A  hard  crust, 

down  by  a  glass  of  rum,  and  he  is  ready  for  an  explosion  in 

any  part  of  the  world. 

id,  austcie  man,  he  never  takes  any  pleasure.  Millions  hang 
upon  the  tv.  itch  of  his  eyebrow.  In  his  hand  he  holds  the 
empires.  Can  such  a  human  being  laugh?  His  mouth  is  of  iron — 
iii-  c\es  of  polished  steel.  His  lips  are  rigid  as  the  bars  of  a  prison. 
A  smile  i:;  never  seen  thron'zh  i  hose  liars!  His  words  ate  all  mono- 
syllables, and  each  of  them  Tails  as  heavily  as  ;•  ,dur.  In  this 
way,  his  approach  is  known  fortunately  long  before  he  makes  his 

nice. 

His  h,  :  mess  are  extraordinary.    He  dictates  to  four  secre- 

latches  all  the  while.     He  has 

from  his  room  to  the  uttermost  ;  •  Globe. 

ihs  all  by  himself,  after  a  cipher  only  known 

elf.     In  five   minutes,  he  could  tell  you  what  is  going  on  in 

could  accept  an  invitation  to  clii. 
will  let  you  :  i;  is  had  for  breal 

'irld.     It  is  believed  that    I. 

is  one  of  \\\>  i,  and  SOYKK   are  both  in  b 

•.i  sends  him  privale  inform;  a  week.     Qrr.iA 

: insults  him.     Ivsi  TII  is   only  one  of  his   political  1 
(I,  LKDRU  UOLLIS,  CHANG.UCNIEK,  NARVAEZ,  &c.,  &c.,  all  take 
orders  from  him. 

lie  has  millions,  by  millions,  everywhere.  His  messengers  darken 
the  surface  of  the  earth.  Out  of  every  three  post-horses  you  may  be 
sure  that  two  (at  least)  are  engaged  h\  creatures  of  LORD  PA I..M  HU- 
STON'S. At  the  very  door  of  his  bed-room  is  stationed  a  mnunted 
postilion,  ready  at  a  moment's  notice  to  fly  off  to  execute  his  nefarious 


Distiii  her  of  the  peace  of  the  world  carries  a  j  ''gger. 

II 

pommes.    These  he  prefers  half  i 

tire  ready  for  him.     When  excited,  he  will  consume  as  many  as  nine  in 
.     lie  takes  gunpowder  in  his  00 

0  the  Opera.  You  never  sec  him  iut  he  I'; 
ace.   When  he  speaks  in  the  House,  all  but  Government 
e  it.     In  pn:  .-rs  him  but  the  ) 

La.  nee.     Little  children   run  ; 

him,  and  hide  th  'imlcr  their  nurses'  aprons. 

tremble,  as  with  an   ;  e   him.     'i 

they  have  to  address  him.     A  d<- 

when  it  is  near  him.  and  sneal.s  away,  as  if  it  was  sine  it  could  receive' 
rig  but  kicks  ft  om  the  toe  of  such  a  man  !     His  cut  ranee  iuto  a 
town  has  been  known  to  tuin  e\cry  ha'porth  of  milk  sour. 

At  home,  as  BOKM  !.  'iror,  if  not  hatred.     ! 

doubtful  if,  through  life,  lie  one  friend.     l!is  enemies 

you  may  conn  auds. 

No  wonder  th;  upports  him.     An  Editor  i 

footstool—  i  le  his  pet  plaything.     He  has  a  priva'. 

•  principal  newspaper  olliccs  in   l,i.iuh>n,  to  let  hi: 
as  often  as  he  pleases.     At  twelve  o'clock  at  night,  he  is  often  seen 
stealing  away,  cloaked  up  to  the  eyes,  from  Printing-  House  So 

And  this  is  the  man  who  rules  England!  this  is  the  monster,  whose 
baneful  influence  is  felt  all  over  the  '•  Under  the  hoof  of 

one  so  reckless,  so  unprincipled,  as  LORD  PALMEKSTON,  he  is  a  bold 
man  who  would  venture  to  give  two  years'  purchase  for  QUEEN 
VICTORIA'S  throne  ! 


SADDLE  AND  BRIDAL. 

A  NEW  Romance  has  just  been  imported  from  America,  in  the  fol- 
lowing short  paragraph,  which  must  deeply  interest  all  lovers  of 
horseflesh,  except  those  Parisian  epicures  wiio  prefer  it  to  beef: — 

"  A  WEDDING  ON  HORSEBACK.— A  Teiaa  paper  tells  of  a  youngf  couple  v.-! 
on  horseback,  accompanied  by  the  C!er|?yman  who  Wa3  to  marry  them.     The  lady's 
father  Rave  chase,  and  was  ovart.-ikintf  tho  party,  when  the  ni:e  -it  to  her 

i  tiicud,  '  Can't  you  marry  us  as  we  n<  i  took,  and  h  • 

I  the  ritual,    and  just  as  the  bride's  father  clutched  the  bridle  rein,  the  Clei; 
j  pronounced  the  lovers  man  and  wife.     The  father  was  s»>  pleased  with  the  dashing 
action  that,  as  the  story  goes,  he  y;ive  them  his  blc- 

Some  doubt  may  be  thrown  upon  the  authenticity  of  the  above 

narrative  by  reason  that  the  bride's  rein  is  therein  denominated  tho 

bridle  rein,  with  an  apparent  view  to  a  pun  upon  the  words  bridle  and 

•  the  character  of  the  whole  from  that  of  a 

part,  the  sceptical  mind  may  regard  the  entire  story  as  a  joke. 
Whether  true  or  false,  however,  it  would  form  a  Splendid  subject  for 
an  equestrian  drama  at  Astley's.  The  alleged  adventure  beats  that  of 
the  Young  Lochinvar,"  who,  according  to  WALTER  SCOTT,  eloped  on 
horseback  with  a  col!  ot  SIR  JAMKS  GBAHAM'S. 

.1:111  could  not  have  married  the  "lost  bride  of 

NBTHBRB?  ''  till  he  had  got  >rder,  clear  of  the  FOBS  i 

KEN-WICKS,  and  MVSGKAVKS,  and  other  bores,  who  were  after  them. 

The  length  of  the  English  Marriage  Service  would  not  have 

of  the   solemnization  of  matrimony  on  horseback,   even  before  the 

niation,  and  if  I.  ;  had  had  his  blacksmith  by  his  side  as 

well  as  his  beauty  behind  him,  he  could  not  have  been  made  a  hnppy 

1  of  the  Tweed.     Perhaps  th  ITR  Service 

•  diles  the  s  ihat   it  could  be  performed  almost  in  the 

twinkling  of  an  eye,  mid  etVectunlly  celebrated  in  the  leaping  of  a 

'i-  the  taking  of  a  live-barred  gate. 

\\  h:i:,  -le,  however,  ecclesiastical    l.iw    may    oppose    to1 

Marriage  on  Horseback,  no  cause  or  JIM  impediment  is  offered  thereto 
by  the  laws  of  the  equestrian  drama :  accordingly  we  hope  to  see  the 
'I'exat  produced  ;  ley's   aforesaid, 

wher,-  i  'leaping  through  a  hoop  in  a  gallop  will  be  surpassed 

by  the  much  more  CM;  .ill  the  wu, 

The    i  ed   to   ride  fom  > 

ing  out  of  breath  both  with  spei • '•  'ion,  would  give  the 

piece  a  conclusion  at  once  affecting  and  ridiculous. 


128 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  26,  1S57. 


THE    VERY    THING. 

Dealer.  "  I  THIKK  I  KXOW  EXACTLY  THE  Oss  YOU  WANT,  SIB— ABOUT  FIFTEEN-TWO—GOOD  SHOULDER,  LIGHT  HEAD  AND  NECK- 
WELL   RIBBED   UP— TAIL  WELL  SET   OX,   GOOD   FLAT  LEGS— PLENTY   OF  BONE—" 

Gent,  (delighted).  "  YA'AS— " 

Dealer.  "  No  SHY  ABOUT  HIM.    A  GOOD  GOER,  HIGH  COURAGED,  BUT  TEMPERATE— TO  CARRY  HIS   OWN  HEAD,  NICE  MOUTH,  AND 

SWEET   TEMPER — FOR  ABOUT  FIVE-AND-TWENTY   PUSD  !  " 

Gent,  (in  exstacy).  "  THE  VERY  THING." 

Dealer.  "  HAH  !    THEN  DON'T  YOU  WISH  YOU  MAY  GET  IT  ?  "     (GENT  subsides.) 


A  DEFENCE  OP  LADIES'  DRESSES. 

THERE  are  two  sides  to  the  Crinoline  question;  hear  both — what 
may  be  said  for,  as  well  as  what  has  been  said  against,  ladies'  present 
attire.  Equity  to  everybody ;  but  especially  fairness  to  the  fair. 

The  superfluity  in  length  and  circumference  of  dresses,  so  much. 
complained  of,  is  good  for  trade :  and  against  excess  in  the  milliner's 
bill  a  set-off  is  afforded  by  diminution  in  that  of  the  laundress. 
Stockings  may  now  be  worn  for  any  length  of  tiiM.  Moreover,  they 
may  be  made  of  the  very  cheapest  Hud  coarsest  material ;  ihrre  being, 
as  far  as  tiiey  are  concerned,  no  longer  any  necessity  for  even  so  much 
as  common  neatness. 

It  is  very  true  that  the  length  and  expansion  of  the  fashionable 
dress  give  its  wearer  the  form  of  a  bell-mouthed  glass  tumbler  with 
a  stem  to  it,  turned  upside  down.  No  doubt,  a  lady  might  be  a  fish 
from  the  waist  downwards,  and  stand  upon  a  caudal  "fin  in  that  dress, 
without  looking  at  all  the  worse  than  she  looks  in  it  now.  But  this  is 
pn  cisrly  its  recommendation;  that  of  serving  to  conceal  those  per- 
fections of  form,  which,  when  they  are  allowed  to  be  perceptible, 
attract  an  amount  of  observation  which  must  be  unpleasant  to  the 
object  of  it,  and  which  can  do  the  observer  no  good.  Many  men,  now 
living,  are  old  enough  to  remember  the  time  when  the  style  of  dress, 
in  consequence  of  being  calculated  to  exhibit,  and  not  to  hide,  per- 
sonal advantages,  affected  young  men  with  very  frivolous  and  vain 
impressions.  Dresses  were  then  worn  so  short  as  not  quite  to  sweep 
the  street,  and  wherever  you  went,  if  there  were  well-dressed  girls 
there,  you  were  continually  catching  a  glimpse  of  a  much  too  dainty 
foot  and  ancle,  twinkling  with  a  far  too  elegant  little  sandal.  This 


;  trivial  object  continually  attracted  the  attention  o_f  young  men,  who 

!  ought  to  have  been  thinking  of  other  things.    Now,  you  never  see 

:  anything  of  the  sort,  and  at  the  same  time,  a  lady  can  hold  her  clothes 

at  any  elevation  she  likes,  when  she  simply  shows  a  passing  Swell  how 

to  step  out  like  a  man,  in  boots  the  same  as  his  own— except  that  they 

are  not  so  interesting  to  him. 

Every  husband  and  father  ought  to  approve  of  the  fashionable 
dresses',  for  they  preclude  his  wife  from  attracting  unnecessary 
attention,  and  it  they  tend  slightly  to  hinder  him  from  getting  his 
daughters  off  his  hands,  they  have  an  exactly  equal  tendency  to  pre- 
vent his  sons  from  marrying  for  mere  beauty,  so  that  if  they  marry  at 
all,  they  will  marry  prudently,  looking  to  the  financial  and  not  the 
bodily  figure,  and  thus  become  comforts  instead  of  burdens  to  their 
parents  and  friends.  And  sons  who  marry  imprudently  are  infinitely 
more  expensive  than  unmarried  daughters. 

Lastly,  these  dresses  are  considered  very  pretty  by  the  great 
majority  of  the  wearers,  who  think  about  dress,  as  they  dp  about  every 
thing  else,  gregariously,  and  have  no  other  idea  of  what  is  pretty  than 
what  is  fashionable.  Shrouding  their  charms  in  excess  of  muslin,  they 
indulge  a  harmless  vanity,  and  natter  themselves  that  they  are  creating 
a  great  sensation,  whereas  they  create  none  but  what  is  excited  in  the 
masculine  mind  by  a  bundle  of  clothes. 


HE   D   BE   SO   SAFE. 

Another  reason  for  send  ing  GENERAL  CODRINOTON  to  JM!',,I. 
"  THE  Sepoys  beat  and  imprison  people  for  speaking  English." 


THE  MOCK  PHILANTHROPIST. — He  giveth  crusts  to  babies. —  Confucius. 


PUNCH.  OR  TUB  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— SEPTEMBER  26,  1857. 


| 

II I 


THE   POPISH   ORGAN   NUISANCE. 

MR.  BULL.  "GO  AWAY,  YOU  TIRESOME  PERSON-I'M  BUSY  ABOUT  MY  INDIAN  AFFAIRS,  AND  DON'T 

\V.\\T  ANY  OF  YOUR  NOISE." 


SMBER  26,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


131 


THE    BALLAD    OF    ROARING    HANNA. 

(RESPECTFULLY   DEDICATED  TO  THE  AUTHOR  OF  THE  BALLAD  OF  "  ORIANA..") 


REVERENT)  DKKW  and  COOKB  and  ROE, 

i.g  MANNA, 

Preaching  in  ilie  MrreU  I'urego, 

Roaring  HAN.V  i. 

Where  Orange  hates  and  Papist,  glow, 
111  Ciuiiob  'twere  \\i-er,  if  more  slow, 

Roaring  II  \NN  », 
To  preach  "the  word"  without  "theblow," 

Roaring  HANNA  I 

Think  you  -n  sowing, 

Roaring  II  AN-,  \. 
Lite  to  thrive  by  blood  set  (lowing, 

'ling  JiANNA? 

Staves  iver  'niics  were  throwing, 

The  gospel  trump  to  but  lie  blowing, 

: i ring  HANNA! 

And  the  row  to  m.-u  was  owing, 
Roaring  HANNA  ! 

lu  your  Millies,  black  as  night, 

Roaring  HANNA, 
Check  Mill  choker  both  so  white, 

Roaring  HAN\  \, 

Your  congregation  armed  for  liirht, 
AVith  Ma\rs  in  e:irn;il  lists  held  tight, 

Roaring  HANNA, 
"  Peace  and  good  will"  how  well  you 

Roaring  HANNA  ! 

Behind  the  Harbour  Office  wall, 

Roaring  HAXNA, 
Girt  by  your  Lisburn  lads  so^tall, 

Itoaring  II ANNA, 

What  '.s  fuel  ions  (lame,  or  hatred's  gall, 
AVhat  's  riot,  bloodshed,  row,  or  brawl, 

Roaring  HANNA, 


To  one  who  boasts  an  inward  call, 
Roaring  HAN  .s  A  '; 

In  vain  the  Magistrates  applied, 

Roariiis  MANNA  ; 
Your  rights  were  iside, 

Roaring  MANN  \  '' 
Your  rights  were  yny  lo  sei  aside, 
Tor  1'apists.  thoir-rli  with  giin->  supplied, 

Roaring  HAN- 
Deemed  they  you  lacked  all  Christian 

Roaring  HANNA? 

ones  "  doth.Sns 
trace, 

Roaring  HANNA  ; 
But  ".Stones  in  sermons"  suit  your  case, 

Roaring  HANNA  : 

Soon  on  your  True-blue  babes  of  grace, 
The  Papistirnliian.s  ru-hed  apace, 

Roaring  If  ANNA, 
And  argument  t <  ,\c  place, 

Roaring  HANNA. 

A  fair  sight'for  the  Sabbath-day, 

Roarincr  II  \NNA, 
And  one  you  well  to  heart  may 

Roaring  HANNA. 

How  blest  must  be  the  prayers  you  say, 
Slid  curse  and  cry  of  party-fray, 

Roariim-  UA\.\A; 
Nothing  like  oil  can  tire  allay, 

Roaring  HANNA  ! 

Vain'all  remonstrance  from  the  Beak, 
Roaring  HANXA  ; 


Off  CLARKE  and  (  neak, 

How  1  rrsp'  vly  cheek, 

That  law's  protection  dar'st  to  seek, 

Roaring  1 1 
Law  which  thou  wert  the  first  to  break, 

Roaring  HANNA. 

Thou  cricst  aloud  j'uone  heed  th..  cries, 

.!•_'  1  I  ANNA, 

The  worst-i! 

I  inuring  II  \ 
Tin:  blooii 
Break  Orange  heads,  black  Orange  eyes, 

'Cause  Prct 

Roaring  HANNA  ! 

Oh  Papist  triumph,  Trueblae  woe ! 

Roaring'  MANNA, 
Oh  Orange  .•.  ! 

Roaring  HANS 

Shall  Papists  vile  give  blow  f .ir  blow, 
Aud  Justice  not,  as  1 

Roaring  II  > 
'Twist  them  and  us  a  diff'rtncc  know  ? 

Roaring  HANNA! 

Whenihc  Hussars  charge  down  the  quay, 

Roaring  HANNA. 
"\Vheu  fire  the  Green  Constabulary, 

Roaring  HANNA, 

1  .el  grateful  Belfast  think  of  thee, 
That  sleeping  party-hates  set  free 

Roaring  HANNA, 
And  bid  him  calm,  who  roused  that  sea, 

Roaring  HANNA  ! 


:i<;  WILD  SPORTS. 

R.  MONCKTON    MlLNES   puts 

forth,  with  his  usual  grace 
of  diction,  a  protest  against 
lield-sports.  He  hopes  that 
one  day  they  will  be  "super- 
seded by  geological  and 
botanical  pursuits,"  which 
he  thinks  will  afford  their 
votaries  greater  pleasure 
than  "  the  staining  the 
fair  carpet  of  nature  with 
the  blood  t>f  her  children." 
Whether  his  having  put 
forward  this  amiable  plea 
lias  prevented  MR.  M 
from  bagging  his  grouse 
and  partndgcs'this  autumn, 
Mr.  i'unfh  does  not  know 
—  any  how,  MR.  MJLNES 
has  not  sent  Mm  any.  But  j 
the  idea  of  the  kind-hearted 
Member  for  Pontefract  has 
conjured  up,  in  Mr.  Punch's 
fertile  mind,  a  curious  series 
of  newspaper  announce- 
ments, of  the  period  when 
hammer  and  si  : 
have  supplanted  horse  and 

<(  gun.    How  will  this  read  ? 

The  Party  of  Gentlemen-botanists  who  rent  the  swamp  near 
Squashtou,  arrived  at  their  box  on  Wednesday,  and  sporting  com- 
menced plendid 
right  and  left  grab  at  a,  Pomeraniiis  aquaticus  that  overhung  a  deep 
ditch,  but  it  .lid  the  sportsman  went  into  the  water.  MR. 
Hours  SMITH  bagged  several  prickly  pears,  upon  which  the 
party  aftenvi  sion,  and  various  points  raim:  up.  The 
Hon.  and  Kev.  PROP.  LEE  secured  several  noble  Fun^i,  especially  an 
Agancut  peslilentis,  wit.h  which  he  experimented  on 
whose  widow,  the  result  having  been  unfavourable,  he  has  generously 


provided.     Lunch  was  supplied  by^a  confectioner  from  Squashton. 
The  party  was  satisfied  with  the  preserves. 

" -Mu.  MONCKTON  MILNES  is  entertaining  VISCOUNT  PALMERSTON 
and  a  distinguished  party  at  Frvstone  Hall.  Tuesday  was  their  first 
day  on  the  rocks,  when  they  had  excellent  sport.  To  the  noble  Vis- 
count's hammer  fell  thirty-seven  lumps  of  granite,  four  fine  bits  of 
feldspar,  a  large  slice  of  mica,  and  some  oolites.  MR.  MILNES  suc- 
ceeded in  bagging  twenty-eight  pieces  of  granite,  and  in  catching  some 
quartz  in  a  primary  trap  set  overnight  by  the  keeper.  MR.  LAYARD 
brought  down  the  side  ot  a  lime  quarry,  and  MB,  HEJTRY  DRUMJIOND 
potted  several  score  head  of  fossils.  The  theories  were  rather  wild, 
and  the  savaits  were  often  at  faidt,  and  were  also  exposed  to  annoyance 
from  the  clergy  of  the  district,  who  warned  them  off  several  fields :  but 
OH  the  whole  the  first  day  of  the  season  was  satisfactory,  and  the 
sportsmen  pelted  one  another  with  their  game  all  the  way  home." 


A  WELSH  KISS. 

BY  A  FELU)W  OF    TKINITT  COLLEGE,  DUBLIN. 

"  A  QrarLKMAH  named  HORSE  met  with  a  curious  accident  lately.  Biding  near 
Cwmmyll  wydd,  he  was  so  struck  by  the  charms  of  a  market  girl  that  ho  endeavoured 
to  salute  her,  but  the  Welsh  m  uant  at  his  impertinence,  steppedsuddenly 

back,  and  ho  sustained  a  severe  fall."— ;  ,1-js). 

PAILIDUS  MORSE 

He  fell  off"  his  horse, 
In  asking  the  VVelsh  girl  to  kiss  him  ; 

For  a  kiss,  he  forgot. 

Isn't  quite  always  what 
Petimvtqve  daontsqitf  vicissim. 


EXTRAORDINARY    LATENESS  OF   THE   SEASON. 

SUMMER  seems  to  have  returned.  On  the  night  of  Friday  last  the 
Opera  of  Don  Giovanni  was  actually  performed  at  HER  MAJESTY'S 
Theatre  ! 


;:.SE  SAYING.— Trust  not  the  Flatterer.    In  thy  days  of  sun- 
!'«  will  give  thee  pounds  of  butter — and  in  thy  hour  of  need, 
deny  thee  a  crumb  of  bread  ! 


132 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  26,  1857. 


THE    TWO    GIANTS    OF    THE    TIME. 


"  WHAT  can  we  two  great  Forces  do  ?  " 

Said  Steam  to  Electricity, 
"  To  better  the  case  of  the  human  race, 

And  promote  mankind's  felicity  ?  " 

Electricity  said,  "From  far  lands  sped, 
Through  a  wire,  with  a  thought's  velocity, 

What  tidings  I  bear  ! — of  deeds  that  were 
Never  passed  yet  for  atrocity." 

".Both  land  and  sea,"  said  Steam,  "by  me, 

At  the  rate  of  a  bird  men  fly  over ; 
But  the  quicker  they  speed  to  kill  and  bleed, 

A  thought  to  lament  and  sigh  over." 

",The  world,  you  see."  Electricity 

Remarked,  "  thus  far  is  our  debtor, 
That  it  faster  goes ;  but,  goodness  knows, 

It  doesn't  get  on  much  better." 

"  Well,  well,"  said  Steam,  with  whistle  and  scream, 

"  Herein  we  help  morality ; 
That  means  we  make  to  overtake 

Rebellion  and  rascality." 

"  Sure  enough,  that 's  true,  and  so  we  do," 
Electricity  responded. 

Through  us  have  been  caught,  and  to  justice  brought, 
Many  scoundrels  who  had  absconded." 

Said  Steam,  "  I  liopp.  we  shall  get  the  rope 

Round  the  necks  of  the  Sepoy  savages, 
In  double  quick  time,  to  avenge  their  crime, 

And  arrest  their  murders  and  ravages."       /• 


"  We  've  been  overpraised,"  said  both ;  "  wb  raised 

Too  sanguine  expectations  : 
But,  with  all  onr  might,  we  haven't  yet  quite-1 -. 

Regenerated  the  nations. 


'  We  're  afraid  we  shan't — we  suspect  we  can't 
Cause  people  to  change  their  courses ;          » 
Locomotive  powers  alone  are  ours : 
But  the  world  wants  motive  forces." 


DIVIDE,  AND  CONQUER. 

SOME  foolish  persons,  evidently  red-tapists  in  heart,  though  imagining 
themselves  reformers,  have  devised  an  absurd  "  test,"  as  they  call  it, 
of  the  efficiency  of  members  of  Parliament.  They  count  the  number  of 
Divisions  in  which  a  member  has  been  counted,  and  give  the  highest 
credit  to  the  man  who  has  gone  oftenest  into  the  lobby. 

This  is  just  the  sort  of  test  one  would  expect  to  see  prescribed  by 
prigs  and  shallow  fellows.    Nothing  is  so  easy,  and  then  there  are 
little  sums  to  be  done,  and  figures  are  always  right— we  beg  pardon, 
statistics  such  folks  call  them— and  everybody  can  comprehend  that  i 
the  man  who  voted  twenty  times  must  have  been  in  the  House  more  ! 
frequently  and  longer  than  the  man  who  voted  five  times.    But,  unhap-  ' 
pily,  figures  will  not  show  which  of  the  two  men  did  the  best  service. 

Of  course,  any  member  who  will  sit  in  the  House,  or  in  the  smoking 
room,  during  the  whole  of  every  sitting,  can  take  high  honours  under 
this  test.  He  can  go  to  sleep  in  the  library  if  he  likes — the  division 
bell  will  wake  him,  or  a  servant  of  the  House  will  arouse  him,  if 
enjoined  to  do  so.  And  he  can  run  in,  rubbing  his  eyes,  and  march 
out  and  be  counted,  and  the  "  statistics  "  of  the  prigs  will  record  his 
indefatigable  attention.  Or,  if  he  is  a  more  fidgety  blockhead,  he  can 
pay  a  fidgety  attention  to  every  topic,  whether  he  have  the  faintest 
idea  of  the  real  question  or  not,  and  can  vote  against  an  Aqueduct, 
being  allowed  between  two  towns,  of  whose  names,  to  say  nothing  of 
their  wants,  he  never  heard  before,  or  divide  in  favour  of  a  Viaduct,  on 
a  railway  that  runs  through  a  district  as  unknown  to  him  as  Meso- 
potamia. Equally,  the  "  statistic  "-mongers  will  give  him  praise  and 
honour,  while,  in  reality,  he  ought  to  be  kicked  for  impertinence. 

These  people  have  published  some  returns  of  the  attendance  of 
members  during  the  last  session.  And,  as  an  example  of  the  value  of 
such  applause,  and  as  an  illustration  of  the  attendance  of  small  men 
and  of  statesmen,  let  it  be  noted  that  "Cox  the  Attorney  "  is  at  the 
head  of  the  list,  having  voted  in  one  hundred  and  sixty  divisions,  while 
LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL  lias  voted  in  about  fifty.  Now  it  may  reasonably 
be  said,  that  for  one  public  question  on  which  Cox  the  Attorney  knows 
anything,  LOUD  JOHN  is  intimate  with  the  bearings  of  a  hundred. 

A  similar  result  is  found  in  the  case  of  the  best  men  in  the  House. 
The  GLADSTONES,  PAKINGTONS,  WALPOLES,  ELLICES,  and  others  whose 
time  and  whose  votes  are  valuable,  squander  neither  in  clerk-like 
attendance,  waiting  for  divisions,  whereas  the  AYRTONS,  HABFIELDS, 
WILLIAMSES  (Ld),  and  such  like  infra-mediocrities  are  always  watching 
the  Speaker's  sand-glass,  eager  to  write  their  reputation  in  that 
Parliamentary  sand. 

The  statistic-mongers  remark  complacently  that  in  "  Attendances  " 
MR.  Cox,  of  Finsbury,  stands  first.  This,  even  apart  from  the  gentle- 
man's political  status  and  intellect,  does  not  exactly  astonish  Mr.  Punch. 
Why,  Cox  is  as  aforesaid,  an  Attorney,  and  to  make  "  Attendances  " 
is  the  one  duty  of  attorney-life.  The  alligator's— bah— the  attorney's 
book,  in  which  he  records  the  deeds  of  lus  days,  for  the  shearing  of 
clientry,  is  called  the  "Attendance-book."  What  wonder  that  Cox 
should  retain  in  Parliament  his  professional  taste  for  attendances !  If 
he  is  writing  Cox's  Memoirs  of  Parliament,  we  will  be  bound  he  makes 
the  work  up,  daily,  after  this  fashion,  and  that  of  his  craft. 

THE  ELECTORS  or  FINSBTJBY,  To  WlLLIAM  Cox>  rjrs. 

Monday.  Attending  at  St.  Stephens,  when  found  the  House  de-    s.  d. 
bating  on  the  Clyde  Improvement  bill,  and  asking  several 
persons  who  or  what  the  Clyde  was,  and  was  told  to  hold 
my  noise,  and  voting  against  same  bill          .... 

Tuesday.  Attending  again,  when  found  the  House  in  Committee 
on  the  Sierra  Leone  Embankment  bill,  and  attending  in 
library  to  consult  GTJTHRIE'S  Geographical  Grammar,  and 
finding  Sierra  Leone  was  in  Africa,  attending  voting  against 
what  1  thought  might  be  a  black  job  .... 

Wednesday.  Attending  morning  sitting,  when  the  House  took 
the  second  reading  of  the  Livery  and  Corporation  of  Roch- 
ford  bill,  and  voting  against  it,  because  a  livery  is  an  aris- 
tocratic type  of  domination  over  one's  fellow-creatures 

Thursday.  Attending  in  Ways  and  Means,  on  the  CHANCELLOR 
OF  THE  EXCHEQUER'S  Bill  for  contracting  a  loan  of  Five 
Millions,  and  proposed  amendment  that  the  principle 
should  be  carried  out  by  the  loan  being  contracted  to  four 
millions,  and  dividing  thereon 

Friday.  Attending  and  voting  against  sitting  in  middle  of  next 
day  because  I  am  opposed  to  all  centralization  . 

Saturday.  Attendjng  the  debate  on  the  Police-Uniform  Bill,  and 
voting  against  the  constable  being  distinguished  by  a  letter, 
as,  in  order  to  identify  him,  a  complaining  person  is  com- 
pelled to  know  his  alphabet,  and  I  am  conscientiously 
opposed  to  compulsory  education  .  .  .  .  .00 

And  this  is  the  kind  of  thing  which  the  electors  of  the  kingdom  are 
not  told  of  by  the  pedantic  promulgators  of  the  Division  Test. 
"  The  prigs  and  Punch  do  upon  this  divide, 
They  choose  the  voting,  lie  the  thinking  side." 


0    0 


0    0 


0    0 


0    0 
0    0 


SEI-I  :,  1857.] 


PUNCH,    Oil   TIJE   LONDON    ClIAKiVA  III. 


133 


ALLEGORIES    ON    THE    BANKS    OF    THE    TIBER. 

II KS     til. 

D|    Ilia  subjects,  probn 
got  up  a  i 

•lour    of    the 
Among   the   various 
which  the;, 
iu  order  to  celebrate   ihc  rc- 

kra  of  his  Hoi!. 
was  the  erection  of  triumphal 

-.  which  wcieoriKimen'nl 
l>v  alh  <.    The 

irks  of 

lady  "headstrong,"  so  much 
so  as  to  luivc  been  iinpraeti- 
but  the  ii 

VClltn 

were    "  tlic     Au.st  i  iau    Con- 

Ilierarchy  iu  England."  \Ve 
will  not 'say  that,  we  cannot 
conceive  how  these  t> 
lions  could  have  been  alle- 
gorised, lit  cause  we  can,  what- 
ever dilliciilty  everybody  else 

experience  : 

"  The  Austrian  Concordat" 
might  have  been  typitied  by  a 
ce  <jf  the  EMPEROR  OK 
ArsTKM  and  the  POPE  him- 
:he  former  kneeling  to 
the  latter,  and  presenting  him 
wit  h  half-a-CTOwn.  .  A  repre- 
sentation of  bis  Holiness,  exhibiting  a  bran-new  coin  from  his  own  mint,  would  have 
served  to  express  "  the  Immaculate  Conception,"  and  "  the  Establishment  of  the 
Ecclesiastical  Hierarchy  iii  England"  miirht  have  bceu  most  accurately  symbolized  by  a 
portrait  of  CARDINAL  WlffEMAM  as  he  appeared  on  the  5th  of  November,  1850,  carried  about 
the  streets  of  London  in  elfigy. 


REFORM  YOUR  LAWYER'S  BILLS. 

IT  is  no  new  thing  to  hear  people  discovering  in  men  some  traces  of  resemblance  to  the 

brute  creation,  but  such  likenesses  are  commonly  the  reverse  of  nattering.    With  very  few 

•lions,  which  may  serve  to  prove  the  rule.it  is  for  some  bad  quality  the  similarity  is 

1  1,  ami  the  comparisons,  in  general,  are  for  something  odious.    Ladies  mean  to  pay  a 

''incut  when  they  call  a  man  a  duck,  but  if  rightly  analysed  the  phrase  is  the  reverse  of 

complimentary  ;  for  there  are  few  things  more  ungainly  than  a  duck  out  of  water,  and  in  that 

no  man  can  be  considered  in  his  element.    For  one  use  of  the  simile  "  as  brave  as  a  lion,"  we 

hear  twenty  of  the  words  "  as  cunning  as  a  fox,"  or  "as  silly  as  a  goose  ;  "  and  such  epithets 

pigheaded,"  "asinine,"  and  the  like  are  in  almost  constant  conversational  employment. 

A  further  proof  of  the  unkindness  of  these  animal  allusions  is  furnished  in  the  widely  popular 

belief  that,  rightly  to  do  justice  tola's  prominent  feature,  a  lawyer  ought  to  figure  in  the  human 

menagerie  as  the,  Ornithoruni-liHs,  or  beast  with  a  bill.    In  the  benevolence  "of  our  nature,  we 

have  ourselves  lone;  st  niggled  to  discredit  this  assertion,  but  we  regret  we  are  at  length 

obliged  to  tender  the  submission  of  our  faith.    In  the  following  advertisement,  inserted  lately 

in  the.  Timer,  we  tiud  the  piece  of  evidence  which  has  completely  overwhelmed  us:  — 

TAW  —  Costs  in  Arrear.  —  A  gentleman,  well  skilled  in  making  out  and  settling  costs  (and  of 
J    ooncucting  wbore  no  entries  lire  made),  is  desirous  of  a  temporary  ENGAGEMENT  in  that  department; 
in  town  or  country,  »t  a  moderate  comm.ssioii.     Addruea,  Ac. 

Referring  to  our  dictionary,  so  as  not  to  run  the  risk  of  our  memory  misleading  us,  we  find 
the  meaning  of  the  verb  to  "concoct"  is  to  "fabricate,"  and  when  coupled  with  accounts, 
its  vulgar  synonym  is  "cook."    The  process  therefore  of  concocting  costs  amounts  in  plain 
Knglish  to  the  pure  fabrication  of  them  :  and  we  may  infer  that  more  than  half  the  iti 
"concocted"  lawyer's  bill  are  as  fictitious  as  the  incidents  in  a  third-rate  French  n 
Of  course,  the  longer  they  are   in  arrear,  the   more  scope  costs  afford  for  the  talent   of 
invention;  and  \yhere  the  concocter  has  no  entries  to  refer  to.  his  work  is  not  so  much  to 
"make   out"   bills   of  costs  as  to  make  them  up  —  in  the  sense  of  making'  up  which  is 
synonymous  with  story-telling. 

We  arc  reluctant  to  judge  harshly  of  the  legal  profession,  whose  good  book-keeping,  indeed, 
has  passed  into  a  proverb.  But  from  the  announcement  of  a  supply  we  cannot  help  inferring 
the  existence  of  a  demand,  and  we  may  assume  in  the  above  case  that  the  "gentleman" 
would  not  have  advertised  so  prominently  his  talent  for  concoction,  if  he  had  not  known  it 
was  a  marketable  quality.  Still,  however  we  may  quarrel  with  his  lax  morality,  we  are  dis- 


A  GOOD  OMEN.— LORD  PAUTERSTON  was  ob- 

-  — ,  — rf — ..  —  r- j.    ..  -  .....  ~  .•-..-,  .. «..«,.. ~«  ..v  v..^,   served  last  week  reading — K'snevertoo  late  to 

length  and  the  elaborate  minuteness  of  these  disagreeable  documents,  which  give  the  history  I  Mend.    The  Reform  Bill  was  lying  before  him. 


, 

I  to  i  Irink  him  for  the  revelation  he  has  made,  -as  it  will  put  us  on  our  guard  to  see,  in 
tut  ure,  whether  our  lawyer's  bills  show  any  signs  of  cookery.    We  have  long  wondered  fit  the 


n I'  a  Miit  with  all  t  lie  rarrl'iilness  of  detail  of  the 
most  prolix  penny-a-liner.  Km  it  much  lessons 
our  surprise  to  know  these  legal  histories  arc,  in 

;is  any  novel- 
1  difficulty. 

Of  th  nf   hook-keeping  v. 

always  lived  in  ignorance,  and  know  not  which 
•ir  of  siuicle  entry. 

But  certainly  ive  alluded  to  of  making 

out  accounts  with  no  entries  ,-,t  all  appears  to  us 
by  far  i  lem  to  pursue,  and  one 

which,  i  •.  walk  into  one's  pockets 

B  deeply  than  the  double  or  the  single 
entry  could  do. 


THE  BORE  OF  Till;  BIBBER'S 
SHOP. 

"  Wt.  on  wear 

Sufth  a  prodigiaa  iir? 

Go,  have  it  cut—  I  wonder  why 
You  go  about  so  great  a  Guy." 

"  Astonished,  JONES,  you  well  may  be, 

••  thick  and  bushy  locks  to  Bi 
Jiut  wherefore,  listen.     Fear  and  dread 
i  in  this  growth  upon  this  head." 

"  What  fear,  what  dread  ?    What  mystic  rite 
Hath  sealed  thee  for  a  Na/.aritc  ? 
Unless  in  Bedlam  you  'd  be  shut, 
Go  instantly  and  get  it  cut." 

'  Tis  v  cry  easy,  saying  Go  ; 

Hut  i  .uld;  but  no, 

I  cannot  stand  it  any  more  ; 

That  step  entails  so  vast  a  bore." 


bore  attends  the  barber's  shop 
That  you  should  carry  such  a  mop  P 
Which,  that  your  reason  may  be  saved, 
Should  not  be  merely  cut,  but  shaved." 

"  That  horrid  bore,  as  sure  as  fate, 
Annexed  to  cropping  of  the  pate, 
Of  being  importuned  and  dunned, 
Whereby  the  customer  is  stunned." 

"  Your  meaning,  I  believe,  I  guess  ; 
The  bear's  grease  which  the  artists  press, 
The  '  extract  '  and  Circassian  cream  ; 
And  will  not  quit  the  tiresome  theme." 

"  You  've  hit  the  blot  with  needle's  point, 
They  pray  and  beg  you  to  anoint 
With  their  vile  unguents,  and  are  sure 
To  urge  on  you  their  '  fixature.'  " 

"  Their  wares  I  steadily  refuse, 
Their  nasty  grease  1  never  use, 
The  hair  it  mends  not  —  spoils  the  hat  , 
Through  which  exudes  the  fluid  fat." 

"  0  JONES  !  a  fortune  safe  I  see  ; 
As  hair-dressers,  let  you  and  me 
In  business  start  —  and  advertise 
'  No  pressing  washes,  grease,  or  dyes.'  " 


French  Proverbs. 

By  a  "  Xatif  de  Parit "  from  Hofoorn.* 

VOLER  un  avocat  n'est  pas  voler. 
SourU  iiuu  si  niontre  cst  &  mnitiu 
Tel  don  no  son  avis  qui  ne  prc"to  paa  son  argent. 
Le  prodigue,  en  mangeant  hi  fortune,  gate  sea  dents  i 
force  de  les  remjilir  avec  trop  d'or. 
Pooha  formee,  I'aml  s'en  v». 
TOte  de  bois  n'cst  bonne  quTi  di-biter  dos  fagoU. 
A  l:i  Crinnlino  on  connait  la  femmo. 
A  tiible-il'hOte  le  timide  man^o  guere. 
Durant  la  nuit  tons  les  Anglais  sont  gria. 

*  We  know  his  name,  ae  a  fact,  to  be  CHARLES  KIBBI,*-  ' 


LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  26,  1S57. 


I'.iint  Lace  Bonnet,  with  emerald  flowers         . 

White  Moire  Antique  Dress  ......    »    « 

Brussels  L»ce  Veil      .._,.      .....     " 


£.     .     d. 
1 

0  S 


™  }° 


Six  riehly  Embroidered  Collars     . 

Green  and  White  Court  Dress,  with  blonde,  pearls, 

and  ribbons "f    •; 

Silk  Dress » 

French  Cambric  Dress 

Rich  Black  Velvet  Dress - 

Ditto,  trimmed  with  n«(  Lace  . 

Point  Lace  Parasol 

Point  Lace  Cap.  silver  and  peach 

Spanish  Mantilla    . 

Another  Moire  Antique » 

And  ever  such  a  quantity  of  chemisettes,  flounces,  feathers, 
glace"  jackets,  bonnets,  and  head-dresses,  besides  what  the 
ignorant  reporter  flippantly  calls  a  black  lace  something,  with 
mosaic  fastenings  aud  mantle  to  suit,  £19  Is.  In  three  months, 
from  December  1855,  to  February  1856  (that 's  three  months, 
isn't  it  ?),  the  bill  came  to  £1493  8s.  Of  <£ 

"  Now  I  call  that  man  a  husband,  and  it  is  a  perlect  sin  that 

he  should  be  per   'Ci  ted,  just  because  circumstances  may  have 

preventrl  hi  he  hills  when  the  people  asked  for  them. 

I  dare  say  he  :  I  hem  loads  of  money  before,  and  they 

I  ought  to  have;  let  him  off.    But,  I  dp  think,  and  every  married 

!  woman  who  knows  what  dress  is  will  join  with  me  in  saying, 

that  the  LOKD  CHANCELLOR  ought  to  sue  out  a  habeas  corpus, 

\  or  whatever  it  is,  that  forbids  innocent  persons  from  being 

i  injured,  and  LORD  PALMERSTON  ought  to  find  money  out  of 

the  taxes  (we  shouldn't  grudge  it)  or  the  Superannuation,  or 

where  he  likes,  to  help  a  model  husband  out  of  his  difficulties. 

I  hope  you  will  advocate  this  in  your  valuable  paper,  and 

oblige  all  your  lady  readers,  including 

"  Saturday."  "  AN  ILL-DRESSED  WIFE." 

"  P.S.  Do  you  notice.  Another  bracelet,  and  another  hand- 
kerchief, and  another  moire  antique.  0,  it's  scandalous  to 
think  of  persecuting  such  a  man ! " 


SERVANTGALISM. 


Mis'  UN   IN  A  SITUATION-  ANY    UJX<:KH!     \VnT  TOU 

TO    ])0,    Til! 

OUR  FORTUNE-TELLER  SAY  THAT  TWO   i 

NOBI.!  I  ,     US — SO   THERE  "8     NO     CALL    TO   REMAIN    IX    NO 

SITUATIONS  xo  MORE  '. '' 


MILLINERY  IN  EXCELSIS. 

"DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, 

"There  are  so  many  cases  of  cruelty  practised  by  what  you  men  are 
pleased  to  call  1;.  always  strikes  the  innocent  and  lets  the  guilty 

escape)  that  we  grow  indifferent ;  but  I  do  hope  that  for  the  sake  of  humanity 
the  laws  will  not  be  permitted  to  oppress  a  brave  and  gallant  soldier  (at  least 
he  is  a  Colonel,  and  I  am  sure  is  brave  and  gallant)  whose  name  appears  in  to- 
day's Tines.  I  need  not  mention  his  name,  though  it  would  do  him  nothing  but 
honour,  for  the  very  evidence  against  him  shows  that  he  must  be  o»e  of  Ihr Jn-4 
men  that  ever  lived,  and  a  MODEL  HUSBAND.  And  now  some  grasping  creditors 
are  trying  to  worry  him,  and  had  not  even  the  decency  to  give  up  their 
ridiculous  persecut ins  claims  though  they  were  told  that  he  was  ill,  and  away 
from  his  native  land,  p9or  fellow !  Even  MR.  LINKLATER,  whose  admirable 
management  in  the  British  Bank  business,  made  me  think  he  must  be  a  dear 
creature,  sets  himself  against  .this  brare  and  kind  soldier,  and  pretends  to  think 
he  is  not  so  ill  as  he  says,  notwithstanding  that  his  wife  confirms  the  account. 
1  am  much  surprited  at  MR.  L. 

"  The  case  would  first  make  any  married  woman's  mouth  water,  and  then  her 
eyes.  To  read  the  list  of  the  things,  the  beautiful,  lovely,  costly  things,  which 
this  husband  gave  to  his  wife,  and  all  in  three  munlhs,  and  then  to  think  that 
such  a  man  is  being  persecuted  by  lawyers  and  creditors!  Of  course  my  husband 
had  not  the  kindness  to  let  me  have  the  paper  at  breakfast,  because  he  knew 
the  matter  would  interest  me;  but  after  lie  was  gone  to  business,  I  kept  the 
paper-boy  waiting  half  an  hour  scratching  the  door-paint,  while  I  read  the 
account,  and  copied  out  a  few  of  the  items.  Now  look  here,  Mr.  Punch,  and 
blush  tor  your  meanness  and  that  of  your  sex,  when  you  read  what  this  brilliant 
exception  to  the  rule  gave  his  wife  (and  a  happy  woman  she  must  be)  in.  three 
months.  Observe  the  prices — no  bargains,  or  cheap  things,  mind,  but  good 
articles,  proving  that  the  man  respected  himself  and  his  wife. 

£   ».    d. 

Ono  Pocket  Handkerchief 440 

550 

Enamelled  Bracelet 440 

Another 330 


INCREDIBLE  COGKNEYISM. 

Is   the    following  story,   told    by  the   Inverness   Courier, 
possible  ? — 

ALARMING  ACCIDENT.— A  gamekeeper  and  shepherd  at 

•Cl  Donchaly  who  were  out  shooting  along  with  three  English  sportsmen 

upon  the  ISth  nit,  parted  company  with  the  gentlemen  to  dii\v  ttte 

.int  agreed  upon.     Unhappily  they  made  their 

ml  having  been  mistaken  for  game  were 

tired  upon.     !•'  '       discharged  at  them,  and  the  shots  took 

uffect  in  the  i  l«  of  the  keeper  aud  shepherd.    A  messenger 

was  immediately  dispatched  to  Bonar  Bridge    for    DR.  MACK  AT.  who 
:  to  Donchaly  without  delay,  and  extracted  all  the  grains  of  lead. 
It  is  fortunate  that  the  shoU  were  at  60  yards  rauge.    The  invalids  are 
now  able  to  continue  their  work.  ^  ^ 


"\Vc  strongly  suspect  that  this  is  a  Scotch  joke ;  one  of  those 
jokes  which  extend  over  a  whole  anecdote,  at  every  two  or 
three  words  of  which  the  narrator  laughs,  and  all  other  Scotch- 
men present  laugh  also,  and  everybody  else  wonders  why? 
Kelated  with  a  Scotch  accent  in  a  Scotch  circle,  the  above 
i  'ilr  would  no  doubt  be  received  with  immense  laughter.  But 
il  must  be  a  romance.  See  what  it  involves.  Three  English 
sportsmen  mistake  two  Scotchmen's  heads,  at  sixty  yards,  for 
a  brace  of  grouse,  and  all  three  of  them  blaze  away  at  the  two 
••'>  they  imagine  to  be  heads  of  game.  The  bodies 
at  that,  rate,  have  been  concealed  by  an  intervening 
mound  or  hillock,  so  that  the  heads  only  were  visible,  and 
must,  if  they  appeared  like  grouse,  have  appeared  like  grouse 
on  the  ground.  To  say  that  three  English  sportsmen  fired  a 
volley  together  at  two  grouse  on  the  ground,  is  to  libel  the  people 
of  England,  represented  by  the  Three  Tailors  of  Toolcy  Street. 


Printed by  William  llrujburr.  of  No.  13.  I'pper  Wobnrn  Hare,  tid  Frederick  Mullen  Kr«n«,  ol  No.  ID,  Oum'a  II 
frtntem,  at  their  Offlw  ID  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefriara,  in  the  City  of  Lo.idon,  aud 
Loadon.-SA'.va.i.,  September  26,  1*7. 


oad  Weit,  Bffenfa  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  P«ncra».  In  the  County  of  Mlddl-MJ  , 
rubluhed  bj  them  at  -No.  ,85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Putin  of  St.  Bride,  la  the  City  ol 


OCTOBER  3,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


135 


rude. 


THE    GAMBLER'S    WIFE. 

£  »omanrr. 

HERE  did  the  money 
goto? 

"But  you  don't 
know  where  it  came 
from?" 

"Tell  the  story." 

"  Well,  everybody 
worthy  of  the  name 
of  a  human  Londoner 
is  now,  or  recently 
has  been,  out  ol 
town,  and  the  only 
unhappy  creatures 
left  behind  are  police 
magistrate*,  whose 
turn  it  is  to  remain, 
the  judge  at,  cham- 
bers, one  or  two  club 
bores  whom  nobody 
would  ask,  some 
editors  and  journal- 
ists, and " 

"  Bother  !  one 
knowsallthat.  What 
about  the  money  ?" 

"You  don't  know 
'  all  that.'  Don't  be 
We  were  going  to  mention  'somebody  else.  This  was  MRS 


MONTAGUE  BLAKESBY,  of  Gower  Street,  Bedford  Square." 

"  And  why  was  she  obliged  to  remain  in  town  ?  " 

"Because  her  husband,  MR.  MONTAGUE  BLAKESBY,  of 'the  same 
address,  thought  that  he  should  enjoy  himself  much  more  without 
MRS.  MONTAGUE,  and  without  a  child,  and  a  nurse,  and  a  panot,  and 
about  seventeen  boxes,  which  his  wife  deemed  absolutely  essential  to 
her  peace  of  mind  in  travel.  So  he  proposed  that  she  should  go  with 
the  child,  and  nurse,  and  parrot,  and  seventeen  boxes,  to  Brighton,  and 
that  he  should  'take  his  chance  of  a  little  fresh  air,'  (as  he  heartlessly 
put  it)  and  join  her  at  Brighton  in  his  own  good  time." 

"  Well,  why  didn't  she  go  ? " 

"  Because  she  was  a  woman  of  spirit,  and,  like  a  woman  of  spirit,  as 
she  could  not  get  Baden,  refused  to  have  Brighton.  So  they  had  a 
sulk,  and  he  left  Gower  Street  early  one  morning.  Being  a  tender 
husband,  he  would  not  wake  his  pretty  wife  from  her  morning's  dream, 
but.  leaving  a  cheque  upon  her  dressing-table,  stole  out  of  the  house 
with  an  enamelled  sac  de  nuit." 

"  And  he  went  to  Baden  ?  " 

"He  did." 

"And  gambled?" 

"For  shame!  nobody  gambles,  nt  least  no  respectable  English 
gentleman.  But  as  everybody  goes  to  the  tables,  why  MR  MONTAGUE 
went  there  too,  and  as  everybody  tries  his  luck,  MR.  MONTAGUE  tried 
his  luck." 

"  And  as  everybody  wins — at  least  they  all  come  home  and  say  so — 
MK.  MONTAGUE  won." 

"  Yes,  a  good  deal." 

"And  repenting  of  his  unkindness  towards  his  wife,  he  wrote  her  an 
affectionate  letter,  forgiving  her  for  her  petulance,  and  mentioning  that 
he  had  made  up  his  winnings  into  a  packet,  and  that  he  should  expend 
them  in  Paris  (en  route  for  England),  in  the  purchase  of  something  upon 
which  he  knew  that  her  dear  heart  had  long  been  set." 

"You  have  been  married,  Sir,  and  know  the  tenderness  which  the 
thought,  of  a  wife  inspires  in  a  husband — at  a  distance  from  her.  That 
was  just  the  letter  he  wrote  from  Baden  to  Gower  Street." 

"  Well,  then  he  came  home,  was  received  in  Gower  Street  with 
smiles,  and  all  was  right  ? " 

"  On  second  thoughts,  one  would  say  that,  yon  had  not  been  married, 
Sir.  Do  you  imagine  that  a  woman  01  spirit  would  remain  in  Gower 
Street,  under  those  circumstances,  or  any  others  ?  MRS.  BLAKESBY'S 
pretty  blue  eyes  had  scarcely  opened  upon  her  widowed  Couch,  and 
the  cheque  upon  her  toilette  table,  than  she  rose,  and,  giving  a  slight 
consideration  to  the  amount  mentioned  on  the  paper  (it  was  anything 
but  what  it  ought  to  have  been,  but  still  it  was  a  respectable  sum) 
ordered  her  coffee,  and  desired  that  the  child,  nurse,  parrot,  and 
seventeen  boxes  might  be  ready  for  the  Scarborough  train  at  twelve 
o'clock." 

"  And  they  went  to  Scarborough  ?  " 

"  And  from  Scarborough  she  wrote  to  Paris,  where  MR.  MONTAGUE 
received  the  letter.  He  read  it  on  the  Boulevard  des  Italiens,  and  was 
delighted  that  instead  of  hot  and  crowded  Brighton,  his  wife  was 
refreshing  her  blue  eyes  in  the  healthy  breezes  of  the  Yorkshire 
Coast?" 


"  You  are  a  good  man,  Sir,  but  you  evidently  do  not  understand  the 
conjugal  relation.  Mn.  MDMM.I  K  UUKKMIV  w:ui  not.  delighted  at 
all ;  he  waxed  angry  at  his  wife's  presuming  to  think  for  herself,  as  to 
her  place  of  making  holiday.  And  he  did  not  buy  her  a  single  present 
in  Paris." 

"  How  mean.    How  did  he  excuse  himself?  ' 

"He  wrote  her  another  letter,  expressing  his  deep  regret  1h.;tt, 
desiring  to  increase  his  little  winnings  to  a  MINI  that  would  enable  him 
to  buy  his  darling  (that's  what  he  was  brute  •noogh  to  write]  soin-- 
thing  more  worthy  of  her,  he  risked  them  once  again,  and  lost  them  all. 
And  to  give  a  lively  colour  to  his  story,  he  Appended  loins  letter  the 

.vhieh  you   may   observe   above  i ngravcn.      It    re] 
alleged)  his  agony  when  the  demon  of  gambling  had  tempted  him  to 
lose  the  coins  In:  had  Measured  for  his  heart's  idol." 

'•  Ami  he  had  not  loM  II, r 

"Notasou.    Brought  >  Paris :  in  net,  to  Lou 

"And  to  repeat  the  original  question,  \\heredid  tb  goto?" 

"It  was  just  enough  to  pay  .Mi;s.  Hi.i  r-i:ii.'s  bills  at,  Scarborough 
for  herself,  child,  nurse,  parrot,  and  warehousing  <,i  n  boxes, 

for  the  cheque  'went  before  she  well  knew  where  she  was;'  and  if  he 
had  not  remitted  his  winnings,  the  blue-eves,  child,  nurse,  parrot,  and 
seventeen  boxes  would  have  remained  in  pawn 

''There  seem  several  morals  to  this  story.  One  is,  that  a  husband 
should  always  do  what  his  wife  desires.  Another  is 

"That  one  being  of  an  anti-malrinionial  character,  it  shall  not  be 
printed.  Whatever  is  is  right.  Let's  liquor." 


VERBUM  SAPIENT!. 

THERE  came  a  sharp  cry  o'er  the  dark  heaving  sea, 
A  cry  that  the  beast  of  the  jungle  was  free ; 
The  beast  we  had  petted  and  thought  we  had  tamed 
Was  fouling  his  maw  with  the  flesh  he  had  shamed. 

Our  fairest,  our  feeblest,  were  tortured  to  sate 
His  merciless  lust  and  more  merciful  hate, 
And  the  wail  of  their  agony  compass'd  the  eart  h 
And  thrill'd  every  heart  in  the  land  of  their  birth. 

Thrill'd  every  ?— not  every— No !  one  was  unmoved, 
The  tidings  he  sorted,  ana  some  he  improved, 
He  was  deaf  to  the  death-shriek  that  rang  o'er  the  foam, 
And  yet  he  could  hear  the  least  whisper  from  Rome. 

For  his  Sovereign  was  there,  who  his  "titles"  bestowed, 
And  there  more  than  half  his  allegiance  was  owed, 
So  that  country  or  kindred  could  Tiave  little  part 
Of  the  petty  lay  element  left  in  his  heart. 

Should  he  mourn  if  our  children  were  torn  limb  from  limb, 

Or  our  women — for  what  are  our  women  to  him  ? 

No  offspring,  no  tie,  no  sweet  burden  has  he, 

No  wife  clasps  his  neck  and  no  child  climbs  his  knee. 

A  lonely,  a  barren,  affectionless  man 
(There  are  sermons  in  stones)  will  discourse  if  he  can ; 
He  will  love  the  class  only  to  which  he  belongs 
And  will  raise  their  estate  upon  other  men's  wrongs. 

In  a  want  of  regard  for  his  class  he  will  see 
The  source  9f  disasters  of  every  degree — 
Would  he  himself  trust  to  professional  lore, 
And  flash  his  red  stockings  in  redder  Cawnpore  ? 

Be  this  as  it  may— for  ourselves,  at  the  least, 
We  care  more  for  wife  or  for  child  than  for  priest ; 
We  are  true  to  the  light  on  our  Fathers  that  broke, 
"When  they  honoured  Veleda  beneath  the  dark  oak. 

For  women  and  children  were  saintly  and  dear 
In  the  forests  of  old  ere  a  priest  had  come  near, 
And  long  ere  he  'd  plundered  their  boughs  to  repair 
What  he  dare  not  uncover— his  sham  PETER'S  chair. 

Let  him  vaunt  his  old  wood,  his  old  bones  and  his  stuff, 
Till  we  'ye  relics  and  rosaries  more  than  enough, 
But  if  with  our  heartstrings  he  trades  for  a  plea, 
There  never  was  Wise-man  so  simple  as  he. 


A  Fact   fresh  from  the  Minories. 

A  CIGAR-MERCHANT  waited  upon  a  Tailor,  and  proposed  to  him  to 
do  business  upon  the  "  Mutual  Accommodation  System."  The  latter 
assented  upon  the  understanding  that  the  tobacconist  was  to  find  his 
own  cloth.  "  Let 's  be  honest,"  he  said ;  "  Cabbage  for  Cabbage. ' 


136 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  3,  1857. 


SPOKTING  INTELLIGENCE. 

ITH  the  return  of  the  Shoot- 
ing Season  it  is  common  to 
find  paragraphs  inserted  in 
the  papers,  giving  full  sta- 
tistics of  the  bags  which 
have  been  made  at  the  coun- 
try scats  and  shooting-boxes 
of  the  sporting  aristocracy. 
As  these  descriptions  little 
vary  in  their  dull  and  dry 
monotony,  and  can  be  of  no 
great  interest  to  the  general 
reader,  we  are  somewhat 
puzzled  to  account  for  their 
annual  insertion ;  and  we  in- 
cline to  the  belief,  that  they 
are  paid  for  as  advertise- 
ments, and  are  intended  to 
attract  the  notice  of  the 
poulterers.  Noble'  sports- 
men could  not,  without  sacri- 
fice of  dignity,  announce  that 
they  were  open  to  supply  the 
trade  with  game,  ana  that 
„  their  preserves  were  so  well 
^  stocked  that  the  largest  or- 
ders could  be  executed  with 
the  promptest  possible  des- 
patch :  but  by  simply  stating  what  they  kill  per  diem,  they  leave  the 
trade  to  draw  its  inference,  and  take  down  their  address. 

If  our  assumption  be  correct,  there  is  some  reason  m  thus  adver- 
tising what  sport  has  been  enjoyed  by  owners  of  estates,  and  the  con- 
coction of  such  paragraphs  may  be  looked  upon  as  part  of  every 
steward's  business.  Occasionally,  however,  we  find  notices  inserted 
which  seem  more  tho  composition  of  the  flunkey  than  the  steward,  and 
!  n  which  we  are  completely  at  a  loss  to  see  the  use  or  reason,  ouch  a 
one,  for  instance,  we  take  to  be  the  following,  which,  merely  altering 
the  name,  and  spelling  it  to  suit  the  flunkeyish  pronunciation,  we  quote 
verbatim  from  a  country  print : — 

"The  youthful  EARL  or  PHEASINKTON  has  been  spending  his  September  on  his 
-amily  estates.  We  understand  his  lordship  gives  early  promise  of  bocommg  an 
xcellenl  shot." 

Now,  we  have  no  wish  to  speak  slightingly  of  his  lordship's  sports- 
manship :  on  the  contrary,  indeed,  having  some  pretentious  to  that 
quality  ourselves,  we  think  a  boy  may  do  worse  things  than  aim  at 
being  a  good  shot.  As  far  as  our  acquaintance  goes,  a  good  sportsman 
is  by  no  means  therefore  a  bad  fellow :  and  had  we  the  teaching  of  his 
lordship's  voung  idea,  we  should  be  pleased  to  find  we  had  so  promising 
a  pupil.  For  the  credit  of  thePnEASiNKTONS,  if  for  no  other  reason, 
we  trust  the  youthful  Earl  will  prove  (at  one-and-twenty)  a  man  of  his 
word,  and  that,  if  only  for  his  poulterer's  sake,  he  will  keep  his  promise 
to  "  become  a  good  shot." 

But  although  we  see  no  harm  in  the  young  Earl's  early  learning  how 
to  use  his  gun,  we  certainly  can  see  no  good  in  taking  public  notice  in 
the  papers  of  his  prowess.  It  cannot  interest  the  nation  to  know  what 
bags  he  makes ;  while  the  mention  of  his  sporting  feats  may  lead  him 
to  forget  that  there  are  higher  things  to  aim  at  than  partridges  and 
pheasants.  As  an  Earl,  his  future  place  will  be  among  the  Lords  as 
well  as  on  the  heaths  and  commons,  and  he  will  find  befitting  exercise 
in  the  field  of  politics  not  a  whit  less  readily  than  in  those  of  beet  or 
turnips. 

We  think,  therefore,  that  paragraphs  such  as  we  have  quoted  serve 
no  end  but  that  of  filling  up  a  paper.  If  it  be  deemed  requisite  that 
notice  be  directed  to  the  talents  and  the  prowess  of  the  rising  aris- 
tocracy, let  it  be  reserved  for  other  columns  than  the  sporting  ones. 
With  ail  our  admiration  for  the  skill  of  a  good  shot,  we  would  rather 
|  see  a  youthful  Earl  the  subject  of  a  leader  in  the  Times  than  of  the 
I  most  flaming  notice  in  Sell's  Life.  Besides,  there  is  no  saying,  if 
these  paragraphs  continue,  to  what  absurd  misuses  they  may  come  at 
last.  If  the  flunkeyism  by  which  they  are  dictated  be  unchecked,  we 
shall  soon  find  the  prowess  of  our  noble  sportsmen  recorded  in  the 
papers  from  their  very  bib-and-tuckerhood,  from  their  first  shot  with 
the  popgun  and  their  first  trial  of  the  tops— both  the  leathers  and  the 
peg-tops.  Having  a  remarkably  robust  imagination,  we  can  just 
conceive  how  it  would  edify  the  public  to  find  inserted  gravely  some 
fine  morning  in  the  Times,  as  a  pendant  to  the  foreign  or  political 
intelligence,  or  whatever  else  might  happen  at  the  time  to  have  chief 
interest,  some  such  a  paragraph  as  that  which  follows  :— 

"  We  are  delighted  to  inform  our  readers  that  the  infant  heir  of  the 
most  noble  house  of  BLAZE  AW  AY,  who  still  takes  an  airing  daily  in  the 
family  perambulator,  was  last  week,  for  the  first  time  in  his  young 
existence,  trusted  with  a  fly-gun.  It  is  seldom  at  so  tender  years  that 


the  propensity  for  shooting  is  so  rapidly  developed ;  but  that  his 
vouthful  lordship  promises  to  be  a  first-rate  shot  will  be  at  once 
inferred,  when  we  state  that  on  Saturday,  assisted  only  by  his  nurse, 
he  succeeded  in  bagging  more  than  twenty  brace  of  blue-bottles. 


TOAD-EATING. 

As  for  the  courtesy  of  the  EMPEROR  OF  THE  FRENCH  towards  the 
English  officers  who  visit  Chalons,  it  is  all  hollow.  His  Majesty  loses 
no  opportunity  of  insulting  our  authorities  by  offering  some  violent 
contrast  to  their  proceedings.  It  was  only  a  few  days  ago  that  we 
read  how  a  French  officer  had  invented  a  great  improvement  in  the 
screw  for  propelling  steamers.  He  calls  it  the  Flute-screw,  and  its 
marvellous  advantages  were  seen  on  an  experiment.  But  this  not 
being  large  enough,  what  does  the  EMPEROR,  our  pretended  ally  and 
friend,  do.  In  common  delicacy,  while  English  officers  of  rank  were 
about  him.  he  would  have  conformed  to  their  customs ;  would,  first 
have  snubbed  the  Flute  man,  then  dawdled  and  dallied  for  months 
before  giving  him  a  trial ;  then,  having  reluctantly  conceded  a  trial, 
would  have  tipped  the  underlings  the  wink,  and  taken  care  that  the 
trial  should  be  like  that  accorded  the  other  day  to  MR.  PRIDEAUX  (of 
the  steam  boilers) ;  namely,  one  in  which  he  should  be  obstructed  in 
every  unfair  manner  by  officials  predetermined  that  he  should  not 
succeed.  Finally,  if  the  EMPEROII  had  any  of  the  courtesy  attributed 
to  him,  he  would  further  have  complimented  English  officers  by  taking 
the  invention  for  nothing,  and  breaking  the  inventor's  heart.  Instead 
of  this  graceful  attention  to  his  guests,  'Louis  NAPOLEON  acts  in 
diametrically  opposite  fashion,  he  commands  the  invention  to  be  "  at 
once  applied  to  one  of  the  largest  ships  in  the  French  navy,  the 
inventor  to  have  every  assistance  in  working  it  out,  with  the  certainty 
of  a  reward  and  honour,  if  successful."  And  we  call  this  Sovereign 
our  ally,  and  praise  his  frank  hospitality  and  courtesy !  JOHN  BULL, 
you  are  an  acttleur  de  couleuvres. 


THE    TWO    CHURCHES. 

/THE    NEW. 

is  Sunday  at  our  'watering- 
place  by  the  broad  blue 
German  Ocean ; 

The  streets  are  still,  the 
sands  are  bare,  the  cliffs 
forlorn  and  bleak ; 

The  fly-boys  and  fly-horses 
have  a  pause  in  their  de- 
votion, 

For  if  to  labour  be  to  pray 
they  've  been  praying  all 
the  week. 

A  Sabbatli  stillness  reign- 
eth  over  earth  and  sea 
and  sky, 

All  Nature  round  has  gone 
to  Church,  so  wherefore 
should  not  I P 

The  crack  Church  at  our 
watering-place  is  very 
fine  and  new ; 
Pure  Gothic  down  to  rere- 
dos,  and  scdilia,  and  pis- 
cina ; 

With  poppy-heads  on  open 
seats — we  scorn  the  cush- 
ioned pew — 

And  our  curate  he  intoneth,  so  that  nothing  can  be  finer ; 
And  we  've  candles  on  the  altar,  and  occasionally  flowers— 
In  short,  a  small  Si.  BARNABAS  is  this  new  Church  of  ours. 

"  So  primitive ! "  our  Curate  says — "  so  truly  Apostolic ! 

No  Protestant  distinctions  of  private  seats  and  free  ! 
Each  portion  of  the  building  has  significance  symbolic  :  " 

Though,  save  the  poppy-heads,  nought 's  significant  to  me. 
Their  soporific  meaning  is  clearly  to  be  seen, 
Thanks  to  the  comment  furnished  by  the  sleeping  heads  between. 

But  finer  than  our  fine  new  Church — tiles,  altar-cloth,  and  all, — 
The  gules,  and  or,  and  azure  on  nave  and  chancel-pane, — 

And  early-English  lettering  emblazoned  on  the  wall,— 
Are  the  "  miserable  sinners  "  whom  these  open  seats  contain : 

Oh !  the  cloud  of  summer-muslins— oh !  the  flowered  and  beaded  show 

Of  tiny  summer  bonnets,  in  gorgeous  row  on  row  ! 


OCTOBER  3,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


137! 


•Mflililttilll   II       \  / 

I 


Oh  !  cherry  lips,  and  rosy  cheeks,  and  glossy  braided  hair, 

Crowned  with  dancing,  dancing  bugles,  and  flowers  of  myriad  djes ! 
The  Curate  lie  intoneth,  but  what  thought  have  I  for  prayer, 
'Mid  the  rustle  of  the  crinolines,  the  flashing  of  the  eyes  ? 
Are  these  miserable  sinners,  come  for 

prayer,  and  praise,  and  psalm, 
Or  an  animated  series  from  Le  Courrier 
des  Dames  ? 

And  the  Rector  takes  his  text,  and  is 

eloquent  upon  it — 
How  that  "all  things  here  are  vanity, 

and  swiftly  pass  away ; " 
And  each  lady  scans  the  pattern  of  her 

neighbour's  gown  or  bonnet, 
And  each  gentleman  's  a  critic  of 

toilettes  for  the  day. 
And  out  I  come,  much  edified,  'mid  the 

organ's  solemn  swells, 
With  a  lively  sense  how  much  I  owe 

to  these  "  church-going  belles." 

THE   OLD. 

"Tis  Sunday  at  the  village  that  lies 

three  miles  away ; 
A  pleasant  morning's  walk  from  our 

watering-place  'twill  be : 
So  I'll  leave  our    bran-new  Gothic 

Church,  and  service  for  the  day, 
Our  hotels  and  lodging-houses,  with 

their  fine  views  of  the  sea ; 
And  for  watering-place  gay  toilettes, 

and  watering-place  church  belles, 
Content  myself  with  field-flowers — coy 

beauties  of  the  dells. 

The  Old  Church  at  the  village  is  very  damp  and  small: 
And  the  house-leckand  the  moss  clothe  its  low-pitched  roof  with  green; 

And  the  inside  has  no  primitive  symbolicism  at  all — 
Nor  reredos,  nor  sftlitia,  nor  piscina 's  to  be  seen ; 

Ami  'tis  blocked  up  with  a  gallery,  and  desecrate  with  pe\vs.^ 

And  it  shrinks  back,  grey  and  shabby,  behind  its  churchyard  yews. 


No  painted  window  casteth  a  dim  religious  light : 

No  encaustic  MiNTON-tiling  hides  the  damp  and  broken  floor: 
The  Creed  and  Ten  Commandments  are  in  modern  letters  quite : 
On  hard  and  narrow  free-seats,  sit  the  humble  village  poor : 

But  the  "  miserable  sinners  "  those  nar- 
row seats  within, 

Show  more  misery  than  our  watering- 
place  M.S.,  if  not  more  sin. 

But  through  the  open  porch  comes 

the  sweet,  sweet  summer  air, 
And  the  rustle  of  the  churchyard 

trees   blends   sweetly  with   the 

psalm, 
And  their  ever-moving  shadow  chequers 

each  pavement-square, 
And  all  about  the   humble  place 

there  broods  a  holy  calm ; 
And  crinolines  and  flounces,  beads  and 

bugles  are  unknown : 
So  I  sit  and  stilly  worship,  as  if  I 

were  alone. 

Till  I  hear  a  sigh  beside'  me  and  a 

smothered  sound  of  prayer — 
And  turning,  with  bowed  head  and 

clasped  fingers,  at  my  side, 
Of  a  miserable  sinner  I  am  suddenly 

aware — 
An  old  dame  in  poke  bonnet,  and 

scanty  cloak  new-dyed : 
And  I  thought  how  such  a  spectacle, 

in  that  New  Church  of  ours, 
Would  jar   with   bran    new   sym- 
bols,  and    bugles,  ibeads,  \  and 
flowers ! 

And  I  felt  how  these  two  Churches,  and  their  worshippers  agree ; 

Tiles,  glass,  and  chanting  curate,  flowery  altar,  painted  stone, 
With  rustling  crinolines,  beads  and  bugles  flashing  free, 

And  this  poor  old  village  church  with  that  still  iind  stooping  crone: 
And  in  spite  of  pews  and  gallery,  low  roof,  and  windows  bare, 
1  was  somehow  nearer  Heaven  in  that  Ion  ly  house  of  prayer. 


138 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  3,  1857- 


HUSBANDMEN    AND    LOVERS. 

Tuesday  last  week1  a 
well-deserved  testimo- 
nial was  presented  to 
our  civic  TBIPTOLE- 
MUS,  the  worthy  Ma. 
SHERIFF  MECIII,  by  a 
number  of  his  friends 
and  admirers,  at  the 
London  Tavern.  Of 
course  the  testimonial 
involved  a  dinner,  after 
which  speeches  were 
made  and  toasts  pro- 
posed, the  latter  fol- 
lowed by  songs  sup- 
posed to  be  appropri- 
ate. For  instance,  when 
the  company  had  drunk 
the  health  of  the 
PRINCE  CONSORT, 
Miss  PICCOLOMINI  is 
reported  to  have  sung, 
"  No,  he  never  loved 
me."  We  should  like, 
however,  to  know  in 
what  the  appropriate- 
ness of  the  songs  to 
the  toasts  consisted, 
taking  this  as  afford 
ing  a  specimen  of  it 
Whom  did  PICCOLO 
MINI  represent.  She 

never  could  have  been  such  an  impudent  little  puss  as  to  sing  such  a  ballad  as  that 
off  her  own  hook.  We  can  only  surmise  that  she  was,  on  the  occasion,  the  represen- 
tative of  Agriculture,  considered  as  a  nymph  of  whom  the  PEINCE  may,  without  impro- 
priety be  said  to  be,  because  he  notoriously  is,  passionately  fond,  and  who  may  be 
imagined  to  express  a  sense  of  the  honour  of  being  beloved  by  his  Royal  Highness  m  a  strain 
affectionately  ironical.  "  He  never  loved  me— oh  no !— didn't  he  rather  ?— didn  t  he  though  r1 
PICCOLOMINI'S  song  may  be  considered  as  the  equiyalent  to  saying;  the  reply  suggested 
being  similar  to  that  conceived  to  be  expected  by  a  filial  young  vocalist  when  he  obliges  his 
sentimental  companions  and  playmates  with  "Oh,  don't  I  love  my  Motlier!"  The  passion 
imputed,  on  this  supposition,  to  the  PRINCE  CONSORT  might  be  frankly  avowed  by  mm  at 
Balmoral,  on  the  one  hand;  and,  on  the  other,  need  occasion  not  the  least  jealousy  on  the 
part  of  MR.  J!K(  m,  although  that  gentleman's  affections  are  fixed  on  the  same  interesting 
object  as  those  of  the  PRINCE. 

REVERSING  THE  ORDER  OF  MEMBERS. 

MB.  BRIGHT  has  been  setting  an  example  worthy  of  his  name,  in  writing,  to  somebody 
who  pestered  him  with  a  request  for  a  subscription  to  a  bazaar  in  support  of  a  Presbyterian 
church  at  Birmingham,  a  letter ;  whereof  the  following  lines  are  part : — 

"  Since  I  Lave  been  in  Parliament  I  bave  always  abstained  from  subscriptions  for  objects  connected  with 
the  constituency  I  represented,  and  I  intend  to  continue  that  course.  A  contrary  course  would  lead  mo  into 
an  expenditure  which  I  could  not  consent  to  with  any  prudence,  and  might  lead  to  au  endeavour  to  secure 
public  favour  by  means  which  I  cannot  practise  or  approve." 

Hear,  hear!  To  ask  a  member,  as  member,  to  subscribe  for  the  local  objects  of  his 
constituents,  is  to  ask  a  public  servant  to  remunerate  the  public  for  serving  it.  You  might  as 
well  make  the  same  request  to  fa  private  domestic,  and  solicit  your  man  JOHN,  who  cleans 
your  boots,  to  contribute  towards  the  papering  of  your  rooms.  If  you  thought  fit  to 
enlarge  and  stock  your  cellar,  you  might,  with  equal  reason,  and  as  much  dignity,  apply  to 
your  butler  for  assistance  in  paying  your  bricklayer's  bill  and  that  of  your  wine-merchant 
It  would  not  be  a  bit  less  cool  of  you  to  call  on  your  maid-of-all-work  for  a  donation  to  aid  you 
in  sending  your  son  to  college.  That  is,  always  supposing,  of  course,  that  your  public 
servant  is  to  be  really  your  servant,  and  not,  on  the  contrary,  your  lord  and  master :  your 
proprietor  who  buys  you  with  subsidies  and  contributions,  in  order  that  he  may  sell  you 
for  patronage,  or_  may  exert  the_  power,  which  youj^ive  him  as  the  consideration  for  his 

et  money  oui 
such  mottoes 

,  _. „   political  servant! 

for    gratuities  and  Christmas-boxes,  constituents   should,  if  they  want    to  be  well  anc 
zealously  served,  occasionally  themselves  give  their  representative  JOHN  TBOMABES  a  "tip." 


I  YELL,  VY  NOT,  MY  TEAR? 

ONE  of  the  organs  of  the  English  Jews  bursts  into  a  frenzy  of  gratitude  to  one  of  the 
penny  papers  for  a  curious  favour.  In  police-case  reports,  where  a  Jew  has  been  the  culprit 
the  penny  paper  in  question  "  is  generous  enough  not  to  designate  the  persuasion  of  the 
offender"  —  to  name  merely  ABIMELECH  NEBUCHADNEZZAR,  without  adding  "a  Hebrew 
dealer  m  marine  stores,"  or  as  the  case  may  be.  This  is  gratefully  recorded  as  a  new  step  in 
the  course  of  liberality.  Well,  but  if  Jews  wish  to  appear  in  courts  of  justice  as  Christians 
why  can't  they  come  in  the  same  character  into  the  high  court  of  Parliament  ? 


DRUMMING  FOR  THE  DRAPERS. 

OVEB  the  counter,  my  Skippers ! 

Spurn  the  effeminate  shop, 
Kick  off  the  carpeted  slippers, 

And  the  cheating  yam-measure  let  drop. 
Sergeants  are  busy  recruiting, 

England  invites  volunteers  ; 
Surely  you  'd  better  be  shooting 

Sepoys,  than  shaving  our  dears. 

Shove  on  his  back'in  the  kennel 

The  shop-walker,  bully  and  smirk, 
Tell  him  you're  cutting  the  "flennel" 

For  manly  and  masculine  work. 
At  fighting  you  mean  to  be  gluttons, 

Though  your  faces  are  white  as  new  wax ; 
You  know  that  you  've  souls,  above  buttons, 

To  drill  button-holes  in  the  blacks. 

Make  shortish  work  with  the  niggers, 

See  how  they  'd  scuttle  and  squeal, 
When  you  "  put  in  at  very  low  figures," 

A  foot  and  a  half  of  good  steel. 
They  never  knew  yet  what  our  hate  meant, 

Your  bayonets,  by  jingo,  shall  show  'm, 
When,  heroes,  you  "make  no  abatement," 

But  "send  every  article  home." 

Future  MACAULAYS  and  GIBBONS 

Shall  rescue  your  memory  from  loss, 
And  tell  how  the  vendors  of  ribbons, 

Won,  gallantly,  ribbon  and  cross. 
How  each,  to  yon  shelves  once  a  mounter, 

Mounted  breaches,  regardless  of  height, 
And  never  bore  silks  to  a  counter 

More  quick  than  those  colours  to  fight. 

You  '11  soon  lose  that  delicate  pallor- 
Exercise  bronzes  the  cheek ; 

You  '11  be  New  Patterns  of  valour, 
Though  perchance  you  may  look   "more 
antique." 

Contrast,  with  such  work  as  your  trade  is, 
(Diddles,  and  dodges,  and  bilks) 

Your  march,  on  return,  and  the  Ladies 
Adoring  your  noble  shot  silks. 

Right  soon  will  the  enemies  know  you, 
As  your  war-cry  goes  higher  and  higher— 

"  What 's  the  next  thing  we  can  show  you  ?  " 
Then  show  them  how  Britons  give  fire. 

Your  charge  (you  can  charge)  be  the  Nemesis, 
No  need  of  Ghoorkas  or  Sikhs : 

We  '11  write  upon  Delhi,  "  THESE  PREMISES 

MUST   BE   CLEARED  OUT  IN  THREE  WEEKS." 


HORSE  EXERCISE. 

AN  Indian  officer,  writing  from  Dinapore, 
and  complaining  of  the  inefficiency  of  a  certain 
General,  who  has  been  fifty  years  in  the  service, 
and  whose  bodily  infirmities  totally  incapaci- 
tate him  for  command,  says : — 

"Surely  it  is  high  time  for  any  field  officer  to  retire 
when  he  requires  help  to  be  put  on.  ami  taken  off  his  liorse  f" 

It  must  be  a  pleasantry,  or  a  mistake,  to  call 
an  invalid  like  that  a  field  officer !  If  he  belongs 
to  one,  it  should  be  a  field  at  the  back  of  a  hos- 
pital, where,  in  the  event  of  an  accident,  he 
would  be  able  to  meet  with  prompt  assistance. 
The  only  Champ  de  Man  for  one  so  infirm  ought 
be  the  field  in  front  of  the  Hotel  des  Invalides ;  for 
it  would  not  be  agreeable  to  hear  of  a  com- 
mander taking  the  field  at  the  head  of  an  army  in 
a  perambulator  I  It  must  not  be  supposed  we 
are  laughing  at  this  officer's  infirmities.  On  the 
contrary,  we  mean  to  say,  that  so  old  a  veteran 
fully  deserves  a  lift ;  and,  if  his  name  was  put  on 
the  pension -list;  we  should  be  extremely  rejoiced, 
for  the  safety  of  all,  to  hear  of  it ;  for  it  would 
undoubtedly  be  the  best  reward  for  one,  who, 
during  a  period  of  fifty  years,  has  apparently 
served  his  country  so  well,  "  on  and  off.' 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI.— OCTOBER  3,  1857. 


' 


WHO  WILL  SERVE  THE  COUNTRY? 


RECRUITING  SERGEANT.    "NOW,  BRAVE  BOYS,  WITH  THOSE  WHISKERS  AND  SHOULDERS  YOU  SHOULD 
BE  WITII  US,  AND I'M  SURE  THE  LADIES  WOULD  EXCUSE  YOU!" 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.- OCTOBER  3,  1857. 


V 


WE'LL    SERVE    THE    SHOP. 


OCTOBER  3,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


143 


A    VISION    OF    SIREN    SOUP. 


•       -     v 


THE  Alderman  woke  from  his  nightmare,  howling  a  terrible  cry : 
Punched  his  wife's  face  witli  his  elbow  :  at  morning  she  had  a  black  eye : 
Started  the  lady  in  terror,  giving  a  species  of  scream, 
And  this  was  old  BLOGGS'S  apology,  this,  the  account  of  his  dream  :— 

"  SALLY,  I  'm  blest  if  our  SAMMY,  next  time  he  comes  home  from  school, 
Tells  them  there  stories  at  supper,  1  '11  take  and  I  '11  wop  the  young  fool. 
What  was  his  call  for  relating  things  that  I'll  swear  isn't  fax, 
How  MR.  WHATSHISNAME  bunged  up  the  ears  of  them  sailors  with  wax. 

"  How  them  young  females  like  mermaids  had  petticoats  all  made  oi 

scales : 
The  schoolmasters  ought  to  be  .towelled  for  filling  boys'  heads  with  such 

tales, 
And  how  they  sang  songs  for  seducing  the  crews  of  the  ships  as  they 

passed, 
And  this  cove  kept  himself  from  their  clutches  by  getting  tied  up  to  a 

mast. 

"I  suppose  as  I  mixed  up  together  SAM'S  anecdotes  touching  them  drabs 
With  my  sausages,  kidney,  Welsh  rabbit,  Scotch  ale,  scolloped  oysters, 

and  crabs, 

Or  whatever  beside  I  'd  for  supper,  a  meal  that  no  Alderman  misses, 
And  I  dreamt,  SAL,  as  I  was  the  party — the  name  I  remember — ULYSSES 

"  I  dreamt  I  were  sailing  the  ocean,  enjoying  the  motion  uncommon, 
(You  know  what  I  'd  soon  a-been  doing  at  sea,  was  ,1  waking,  old  'oman] 
And  what  did  I  see  on  a  rock  (it 's  as  true  as  the  sermon  in  church), 
Why,  one  of  the  liveliest  turtles  as  ever  napped  fin  at  old  BIRCH. 

"But,  SAL,  he  worn't  laying  discreet,  like  a  babe  with  a  shell  for  its 

bed, 

A  waiting  with  proper  decorum  till  somebody  cut  off  his  head ; 
But  with  him  a  codfish  aud  wenison,  all  balancing  upon  their  end, 
And  playing  on  music,  and  calling  me,  just  as  if  I  was  their  friend. 

'  Nice  kind  of  impident  critters,'  says  I  to  a  sailor  or  two ; 
'  I  '11  just  take  a  swim  to  them  rocks,  and  astonish  the  rascals  a  few ; ' 
Just  fancy  me  saying  it,  SALLY,  and  talking  of  swimming  so  fine, 
That  haven't  once  taken  a  bath  since  the  year  1809. 

"  And  by  Goe  I  were  going  to  do  it,  regardless  of  wetting  my  togs, 
The  wittles  kep  bleating  and  crying:  'Come  here,  MB.  ALDERMAN 

BLOQGS  ! ' 
When  the  sailors  they  clutched  at  my  collar,  with  knuckles  so  bony 

and  big, 
And  held  me  as  tight  as  policemen  keep  hold  of  a  slippery  prig.' 


'  It  was  no  use  my  bawling  and  scolding,  for  just  at  that  minute  again  . 
That  SAMMY  's  infernal  description  came  back  to  bewilder  my  brain : 
Their  ears  were  all  full  of  red  sealing-wax — some  one  had  dropped  it 

in  hot, 
And  sealed  it  with  dominy  dirrijee — what's  on  the  Mayor's  silver  pot. 

'Then  all  the  three  impident  critters  they  plopped  all  at  once  in  the  sea> 
And  with  their  windictive  mouths  open,c!iine  swimming  to  get  hold  of  me, 
And  making  all  queer  kinds  of  noises,  they  swarmed  up  the  side  of  the 

boat, 
And  I  felt  their  wet  flappers  and  noses  beginning  to  get  at  my  throat. 

'So  then  I  bawled  out  in  my  terror,  the  thing  having  got  past  a  joke, 
And  striking  put  fiercely  at  random,  I'm  happy  to  say  as  I  woke." 
To  all  which  instructive  narration  his  Lady  vouchsafed  no  reply; 
But  with  what  she  culled  Odour-Cologney  sat  sulkily  dabbing  her  eye. 


THE   LATEST  CONG11ESS  OF  VIENNA. 

READERS  of  continental  intelligence  are  doubtless  aware  that  an 
extraordinary  Congress  has  been  recently  held  at  Vienna — a  Congress 
of  dancing-masters  :  which  was  constituted  not  only  of  the  reprcv 
lives  of ')  eutonico-Terpsichorean  interests,  but  also  of  plenipotentiaries 
from  Prague  and  Odessa.  The  subject  of  the  deliberations  of  this  august 
assembly  was  the  question,  of  momentous  importance  not  only  to  the 
whole  fashionable  world,  but  also  to  the  casinos  and  pleasure-gardens, 
of  the  introduction  of  new  figures  in  dancing.  This  serious  and  solemn 
inquiry  was  resolved  in  the  affirmative.  The  Congress,  "  after  much 
anxious  reflection,"  determined  on  the  introduction  of  a  new  quadrille, 
which  has  been  invented  by  PROFESSOR  EICHLER  (Professor  of  Dancing), 
of  Prague.  Our  own  correspondent  has  just  sent  us  some  account  of 
the  proceedings,  which,  being  public,  he  was  enabled  to  attend.  He 
says  that  a  greater  number  of  pumps  certainly  never  met  together 
before  in  any  Congress  than  those  that  were  assembled  in  this  ;  and 
expresses  the  belief  that  there  are  not  so  many  contained  even  in  the 
British  Association  for  the  Advancement  of  Science.  Such  a  getting 
up-stairs  and  playing  on  the  fiddle,  he  informs  us  that  he  never  did  see. 
He  states  that  the  discussions  took  in  a  great  measure  the  form  of  a 
ballet  of  action ;  inasmuch  as  it  was  necessary  for  the  professors  com- 
posing the  Congress  to  support  their  various  positions,  and  theses  by 
practical  demonstration. 

Consequently,  in  the  eagerness  of  disputation  there  were  often 
a  great  many  of  them  dancing  all  at  a  time,  which  was  mighty  droll ; 
but  a  sight  still  more  ludicrous  was  that  of  a  Member  of  the  Congress 
every  now  and  then  illustrating  his  views  by  an  excursion  down 
the  middle  and  up  again,  or  by  a  series  of  stationary  capers  and 
gyrations  in  the  capacity  of  cavalier  teitt— an  object  considered  by  our 
correspondent  to  be  the  most  ridiculous  in  creation.  Bohemia  was 
much  elated  by  the  triumph  of  her  nationality  in  the  adoption  of  the 
scheme  of  a  quadrille  proposed  by  her  representative  Professor.  Our 
Correspondent  thinks  it  rather  strange  that  British  interests  were 
unrepresented  in  this  Congress,  and  expresses  his  wonder  that  he  did 
not  see  our  old  friend  BARON  NATHAN  among  its  distinguished 
members.  No  doubt,  however,  the  British  Court  will,  in  regard  to 
this  matter,  conform  readijy  to  the  practice  of  the  Continental  Powers ; 
and  the  new  Quadrille  will  have  only  to  be  danced  at  Buckingham 
Palace,  in  order  to  be  immediately  performed  at  Cremorne.  The  tune 
of  it  will  soon  descend  from  the  Palace  to  the  Cottage-piano.  A 
favourable  contrast  is  to  be  drawn  between  the  conduct  of  the  heads 
of  the  Dancing  Profession  and  that  of  the  prelates  of  the  Romish 
Church,  as  respectively  exhibited  with  reference  to  the  settlement  of 
a  moot  point.  The  dancing-masters  met  in  Council,  according  to 
ancient  and  orthodox  principle,  before  presuming  to  promulgate  a  new 
quadrille.  The  prelates  allowed  Pio  Nouo  to  proclaim  a  new  dogma 
on  his  own  mere  authority.  A  novelty  in  dancing,  approved  of  by  a 
Congress  of  Professors,  will  be  universally  accepted,  or  at  least 
encounter  no  opposition  but  that  of  Exeter  Hall.  The  millions  who 
are  interested  in  the  decision  of  the  dancing  Congress  of  Vienna  will 
await  with  intense  eagerness  the  formal  ratification  which  it  will  no 
doubt  receive  in  the  next  ball  at  the  Tuileries. 


Printing  in  the  Provinces, 

A  YORKSHIRE  Newspaper,  wishing  to  inform  its  readers  that  the 
Courier  of  Lyons  and  The  Ladies'  Battle  will  be  performed  at  the 
Theatre  on  such  anight,  says: — "The  first  piece  will  be  Th«  Currier 
of  Lyont,  after  which  will  oe  produced  (at  the  special  request  of  a 
patroness  of  the  Scarborough  Teetotal  Society)  The  Ladiet  Bottle." 


THB  PHILOSOPHY  OF  PLATO. 


HUSBAND  and  wife  should  learn  to  help  one  another,  sharing,  and 
enjoying  everything  in  common,  with  the  same  cheerful  division  of 
labour  aa  a  knife  and  fork  \~Lady  Clutterbuck. 


144 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  3,  1857. 


Serious  Lady.  "I  CANNOT  POSITIVELY  ALLOW  YOU  TO  KEEP  A  CAT  THAT  SWEARS.' 


QUACKS    OF    ADVERTISING    COLUMNS. 

WE  rejoice  to  bear  that  the  advertising  quacks,  whose  celebrity  is  the  same  as  that  of 
Holywell-street.  are  extremely  annoyed  by  some  remarks  which  we  lately  made  on  the 
equipages  in  winch  they  drive  about  Town.  These  flagrant  examples  ot  signally  snobbish 
taste  which  used  to  render  the  bushy-mouthed,  hooked-nosed  blackguards  who  ride 
about  in' them  conspicuous,  and  attractive  to  verdant  patients,  now  serve  only  to  express  their 
infamy  and  to  make  them  as  repulsive  to  those  whom  they  seek  to  victimise— as  they  look. 
This  doubtless,  is  what  vexes  them;  exposure  to  mere  odium  and  ridicule  would  rather 
please  them  than  not,  if  it  failed  to  defeat  their  villainy  -.  they  might  be  hissed  up  Regent 
Street  but  so  long  as  they  could  chuckle  and  rub  their  hands  over  the  fees  which  they  take 
at  the'ir  own  snug  dens,  they  would  care  little  enough  for  popular  execration.  Even  as 
sporting  eents,  which  some  of  them  are,  their  feelings  are  not  hurt  by  disparagement  of  their 
horses  and  carriages,  provided  that  does  not  tend  to  prevent  them  from  cheating.  What  does 
annoy  them  is,  that  denotafen  of  their  class  which  causes  every  individual  of  it  to  be 
recognised  for  the  rascal  he  is,  without  affording  him  occasion  for  that  revenge  which  he 
might,  if  his  name  were  published,  hope  to  take,  oy  the  help  of  an  attorney  and  a  barrister 
of  his  own  species,  and  a  jury  of  fools. 

Latterly  some  of  these  fellows  have  re-modelled  their  advertisements,  so  as  to  place  them 
beyond  the  provisions  of  LORD  CAMPBELL'S  Act ;  but.  be  it  known  to  all  whom  it  may  con- 
cern, that  anybody  who  advertises  a  peculiar  cure  of  any  disease  or  complaint,  no  matter 
what,  is  either  not  a  member  of  the  Medical  Profession,  or  is  regarded  by  that  profession 
as  a  disgrace  to  it.  Whoever  consults  a  Holywell  quack  will,  most  probably,  have  his 
ailment  very  much  aggravated,  and  will  either  be  fleeced,  or,  if  he  does  not  choose  to  submit 
to  extortion,  have  his  transactions  with  the  quack,  and  his  whole  case,  medical  as  well  as 
legal,  published  in  the  Nisi  Priits  reports.  They  will  not  probably  be  published  in  those  of 
the  County  Court,  because  the  sum  for  which  the  [quack  will  bring  an  action  against  his 
patient  will,  most  likely,  much  exceed  fifty  pounds. 


THE  PIPE  OF  CONTROVERSY. 

IN  the  window  of  a  tobacconist's  shop,  in  Prince's  Street,  Soho,  are  exhibited  some 
gigantic  pipes,  to  which  ia  attached  a  card,  with  the  following  description  thereupon:— 
"  The  Controversy  Pipe,  Dedicated  to  PROCESSOR  SOLLY  AND  Co.,  INDERWICK,  London." 
The  Controversy  of  which  this  pipe  appears  to  be  a  memorial,  is  that  which  was  raging  some 
time  ago  on  the  question — "  Is  smoking  injurious  ? "  but  such  is  the  pipe's  capacity,  that 
the  name  it  bears  might  have  been  applied  to  it  simply  by  reason  of  its  suitableness  for 
controversial  discussions :  since,  once  filled,  it  would  outlast  the  longest  argument  on  the 
subject  of  free-will,  or  even  one  of  MR.  GLADSTONE'S  parliamentary  speeches  on  behalf  ol 
canonical  nonsense.  When  we  call  this  pipe  gigantic,  we  use  that  epithet  in  its  applica- 
bility rather  to  a  large  man  of  the  DANIEL  LAMBERT  type  than  to  GOG  ;  for  the  pipe  is,  in 
fact,  of  the  class  called  short ;  though  its  bulk  is  vast.  It  would  have  served  admirably  for 
the  use  of  the  biggest  of  all  the  giants  that  JACK,  the  killer  of  them,  ever  slew ;  and  might 
have  been  the  very  identical  pipe  formed  expressly  for  the  capacious  mouth  of  Polyphemii 
who  could  have  sat  upon  a  mountain,  blowing  thunderclouds  with  it,  or  smoking  like  Etna. 


THE  SHOPMAN'S  ADIEU  TO  THE 
LADIES. 

TONE—"  The  girls  we  left  behind  us. " 

FAREWELL,  sweet  ladies ;  we  shall  now 

No  longer  have  the  pleasure 
Of  serving  you  with  scrape  and  bow, 

Whilst  wielding  wand  and  measure. 
The  cruel  Indian  mutineers 

More  fit  employment  find  us  ; 
And  in  our  place,  you'll  have,  my  dears, 

The  girls  we  leave  behind  us. 

You,  with' their  patience  and  their  time, 

Instead  of  ours,  will  trifle : 
We  go  to  India's  distant  clime, 

To  point  the  Enfield  rifle. 
Instead  of  plying  scissors'  blades, 

The  task  till  now  assigned  us. 
Which  we  relinquish  to  the  maids, 

The  girls  we  leave  behind  us. 

Up  shop-steps  we  must  cease  to  crawl, 

And  scale  the  walls  of  Delhi, 
Which  do  contain  what  statesmen  call 

A  genuine  casits  belli. 
Against  the  cruel  Sepoys'  bands 

Our  spirit  has  combined  us, 
Our  old  work  left  to  fitter  hands, 

The  girls  we  leave  behind  us. 

We  go,  a  full  revenge  to  take 

For  every  British  martyr, 
For  which  that  we  our  thirst  may  slake, 

We  '11  give  no  black  beast  quarter. 
Unless  to  hang  him  by  the  neck, 

To  make  the  others  mind  us  ; 
But  ask,  for  muslin,  chintz,  or  check, 

The  girls  we  leave  behind  us. 

Our  charge  we  purpose  and  intend 

To  make  extremely  heavy, 
Our  bayonets  we  can  recommend 

Against  the  blackguards'  levy ; 
We  '11  put  the  goods  in  low  or  high, 

As  chance  the  means  may  find  us ; 
But  seek,  if  poplins  you  would  buy, 

The  girls  we  leave  behind  us. 

With  "Any  other  article?" 

Inquiry  thrust  succeeding,  ' 
We  shall,  on  shopmen's  principle, 

Address  each  tiger  bleeding ; 
Those  words,  wherewith  our  wares  to  press, 

The  Shop's  traditions  bind  us, 
None  now  will  speak  to  you — uidess 

The  girls  we  leave  behind  us. 


THE  RECRUITING  OFFICER'S 
ASSISTANT. 

IT  is  a  mistake  on  the  part  of  Recruiting 
Sergeants,  if  they  want  to  enlist  liuendrapers 
shopmen,  to  go  about  with  ribbons  in  their  caps. 
Those  young  men  are,  like  old  birds,  not  to  be 
caught  with  chaff.  They  have  had  too  much  ot 
ribbons  already— are  sick  of  them— and  ribbons 
ought  to  be  kept  out  of  their  sight,  save  and 
except  the  ribbon  of  the  Garter— provided  that 
courage,  conduct,  and  military  skill  could  possibly 
enable  a  respectable  drapers'  assistant  to  jump 
over  the  counter  to  glory,  and  then  skip  up  to 
a  pension  and  a  peerage.  The  Recruiting  Ser- 
geant might  have  some  chance  with  the  shop- 
man, if  the  shopman  had  any  chance  of  ex- 
changing his  yard-measure  for  a  field  marshal  s 
truncheon. 


Triplet  and  Toast. 

LORH  LANSDOWNE  won't  be  Duke  of  Kerry : 

LORD  LAXSDOWNE  is  a  wise  man- very. 

Punch  drinks  his  health  in  Port  and  Sherry. 


OCTOBER  3,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


145 


MARRIAGE    BY    ADVERTISEMENT. 

CAHBOROrjGH.— 

M  A  HIM  t:v.— Onthelflth 
September,     in      thu 
columns  rf  th 
borough  '/'"«•".  Mil-  '*"- 

BKBT   ROJCBV,  the  light 

comedian  of  svnnl 
Lyceum  farces,  and  at 
preaont  stage- manager 
of  the  Brury  Lane 
Theatre,  to  a  Young 
Lady,  whoso  name  is 
unknown.  The  Editor 
of  the  above  unintelli- 
gent paper  was  the 
only  person,  who  wit- 
nessed the  mysterious 
union.  After  thu  in- 
visible ceremony,  the 
unconscious  couple  re- 
paired to  the  Theatre 
H'>v:»l,  i  Boarboronirh, 
where  they  weretihliK- 
ing  enough  to  jHjrfi'rm 
in  '  Tlx  Foiliei  of  a 
iVt0/il,'and  other  pieces, 
very  much  to  the  sa- 
tisfaction of  a  crowded 
audience. " 

To  explain  the 
above  marriage,  we 
must  state  tii:t'  the 
Scarborough  Times 
has  been  giving  to 
MB.  ROBERT  Rox- 
HY,  quite  unknown 
to  him,  a  wife. 
After  telling  the 
public  that  "  MRS.  ROBERT  ROXBY  terminated  a  most  successful  engage- 
ment on  Wednesday  last,"  it  descends  into  particulars  by  informing 
its  "  Weekly  List  ot  Visitors  "  that  "  the  part  of  Miami,  sustained  by 
this  lady,  deserves  the  highest  commendation." 

We  have  heard  of  newspapers  presenting  their  subscribers  witn 
portraits,  medals,  globes,  and  atlases :  but  for  a  journal  to  give  away 
a  wife  is  quite  a  new  feature.  DoubtLessly.it  will  next  venture  on 
the  presentation  of  a  family  ?  Unless  a  full  stop  is  put  to  their 
liberality,  MR.  R.  R.  may  suddenly  find  himself  the  father  of  ten 
children,  before  he  was  even  aware  that  he  had  any  reason  111  this 
world  to  be  contented  with  such  a  happy  lot  '•: 

However,  we  are  informed  tint  Mu.  ROBERT  ROXBY  is  not  so  very 
well  pleasea  with  this  editorial  gift.  He  contends— and  with  justice  on 
his  side,  we  think— that  the  report  is  likely  to  do  him  a  serious  injury 
in  his  matrimonial  engagements.  He  demands  an  instant  separation 
from  his  wife,  or  else  threatens  an  action  against  the  newspaper 
for  giving  circulation  to  malicious  rumours.  The  damages  are  laic 
at  £50,000. 


TO  A  RESPECTABLE  VESTRY. 

YE  surly  Chelsea  Beadles 

Who  want  to  close  Cremorne, 
You  pincushions  for  needles 

And  pins  of  public  scorn, 
Curmudgeons  dull  and  dreary, 

Insufferable  churls, 
Ungentle  and  uncheery 

To  little  boys  and  girls. 

Of  public  entertainment 

When  places  are  so  few, 
Why  urge  your  harsh  arraignment 

Against  Cremorne,  ye  crew 
Of  bigots,  to  be  hated, 

Amusement  who  detest, 
And  humbugs  animated 

By  private  interest  ? 


THE  soldier's  face  is  never  safe.  He  never  can  tell  whether  his 
•oustaches  will  be  his  for  two  months  together.  At  one  time,  he  is 
rdered  to  shave ;  at  another,  down  comes  an  order  to  trim  his  whllken 
o  a  certain  length,  and  not  a  hair's-brcadth  further.  Then  arrives  a 
*ar,  and  the  soldier  is  allowed  to  stalk  about  with  a  beard  as  big  as 
iushy  Heath.  All  razors  have  a  furlough  during  such  time  as  the 
rmy  is  busily  engaged  in  lathering  the  enemy.  The  brush  once  over, 
lie  beards  are  cut  down,  like  many  other  things,  when  the  Service  is 
ut  on  a  peace  establishment.  Here,  at  present,  is  the  last  tonsonal 
diet  from  the  Horse  Guards  : — 

"  The  Commander-in-Chlef  has  ordered  that  every  soldier  is  to  wear  a  Moustache.'1 

This  is  all  very  well,  and  we  agree  with  the!ladies,  who  are  generally 
if  opinion  that  the  moustache  ia  a  great  ornament,  without  which  no 
nilitary  pair  of  lips  is  complete.  Rut  how  about  those  faces  that  are 
ompletely  innocent  of  stubble  ?  It  is  a  painful  matter  of  fact,  that 
inder  some  noses,  martial  or  otherwise,  the  moustache  obstinately 
(•fuses  to  grow.  No  amount  of  persuasion,  or  Kalydor.  will  induce  the 
ebellious  h:iir  to  spurn!.".  In  many  instances,  the  rubbing  of  the  oat's 
ail  even  has  lost  its  customary  powers  of  inducement,  as  though  the 
3at  was  determined  to  prove  that  in  no  instance  was  it  friendly  to  the 
kin  of  the  soldier.  What,  then,  are  such  soldiers  to  do  ?  AV  ill  they 
ie  punished  for  disobeying  orders,  or  will  a  mandate  like  the  following 
rush  from  the  Horse  Guards  to  their  relief?— 

"  All  those  soldiers,  to  whom  Nature  has  unkindly  denied  the  natural  adornment 
>f  a  Moustache,  are  hereby  ordered  by  the  Commander-ln-Chief  to  wear  false  ones. 


Man 


Proposes,  Woman  disposes. 

IF  you  wish  to  propose,  do  it  in  person.  Never  make  a  proposal  ii 
writing.  Your  letter  gives  the  lady  time  to  "  turn  it  over  "  and  t 
look  at  the  question  you  are  "  popping  "  to  her  on  all  sides.  Besides,  i 
is  wrong  to  suppose  that,  women  can  be  taken,  as  London  omnibuse 
are,  "  by  correspondence." 


MILITARY  QUERY.— Do  the  Kernels  wear  Shell-jackets  ? 


"WRITE  ABOUT   FACE." 


FRENCH  SAYINGS. 

By  a  "  Katif  <fe  Parit."' 

PADVRET*  est  vice  dans  lo  pays  des  riches. 

A  force  de  tomber.  1'enfant  apprond  a  marcher. 

Aux  gueux  tous  les  chemins  sout  boua. 

Fortune  mangee  n'a  plus  de  goat. 

Donees  paroles  no  garnissent  pas  la  poche. 

Homme  riche  n'est  jamais  latd. 

Argent,  quoiquo  noirci,  n'est  pas  moms  argent. 

L'aveugle  so  brute  maiutefois,  qui  monche  ohandelle  avec  ses  doigts. 

L'ame  est  un  prisonnier,  qui,  en  s'echappant,  tue  toujoure  sou  geolier. 

C'est  comme  au  Desert— U  y  a  tant  de  poussiere,  et  si  peu  d'eau,  qu  on  n  y  yoit 
goutte. 

Prendre  un  Cab  pour  attraper  1'Omnibus. 

Les  murs  eont  les  livroe  dea  pauvres. 

»  We  have  since  ascertained  that  this  same  "  Natif  "  was  born  in  Newman's  Rents, 
Blogg  Court,  Grays'  Inn  Lane. 


ADVERTISEMENT. 


AN  ON  THE  MOOR. 

— Why  the  deuce  don't 
you  come  up  ?  Where 
are  you  ?  Bother  the 
birds.  India  wants  an- 
other army.  I  can't  do 
everything,  and  V.8.  is 
no  better  than  a  muff. 
The  business  of  the  de- 
partment is  all  in  a  mess. 
1 11  keep  your  place  open 
for  you  us  long  as  I  can, 
but  you  really  will  be 
kicked  out  if  you  don't 
return.  We  can't  find 
your  keys,  and  you  've 
locked  up  all  the  Com- 
missions. Have  you  taken 
the  despatches  for  wad- 
ding? Write  immediate- 
ly, and  still  better,  come 
to  your  distracted  PAH. 
C— mbr— dge  H— e. 


Had  him  there ! 

LORD  ABERDEEN  's 
cabinet,  according  to 
MR.  BERNAL  OS- 
BORNE  (oratorical  at 
Dover  last  week), 
was  a  failure  from  its 
over-richness— from  his  Lordship's  having  put  into  it "  too  many  wise 
men."  Perhaps  so ;  but  why  needed  LORD  PALMERSTON  put  in  too  many 
— we  mean,  run  into  the  opposite  extreme  ? 

HOW  TO  TELL  A  WOMAN'S  AGE. 
By  One  of  Them. 

IN  telling  the  age  of  another  woman,  you  multiply  by  2 ;  but  if 
i  you  are  telling  your  own  age,  then  you  divide  by  2. 


146 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON   C1TA1UVA1U. 


[OCTOBER  3,  1857. 


SOUTHAMPTON  WATER  CURE  FOR  MA(I)N(E)IACS. 


OHER     NEAT,       Dow 
Author  of  the  Maine 
Law,  actually  venturec 
to  go  to  Southampton 
(he  other  day  and  de- 
liver   an    oration    al 
the  Victoria  Rooms,  in 
order  to  persuade  the 
Southampton  people  to 
cackle    and     bray  for 
the    legal    prohibition 
of   the  liquor    trade ! 
We  will  not  say  that 
we  wonder  the  inhabit- 
ants did  not  seine  the 
Yankee    Maine    Law 
originator    by  British 
mam  force,    and  put 
him  under  a  pump,  or 
did  not  turn  the  tables 
by  turning    the   main 
upon    him ;     because 
that  would   hare   not 
only  been  very  inhos- 
pitable, but  also,  in  a 
sense,   carrying   coals 
from  Southampton  to 
Newcastle  (U.S.) :   on 
the  contrary,  we  would 
suggest,     that     they 
might  have  taken  him 
to  MR.  FISK  's,  in  the 


-pj.     ,      ~.  -     j  f    .1U.1V.    i'lOJV     »,     111     tilC 

igh  btreet,  and  have  got  FISK  to  give  him  some  of  his  good  beer,  which  cheers  but  not 

inebriates  the   clergy,  county  magistrates,   ladies  of  rank    and  fashion,  and   eminent   soli- 

ors,  who   frequent  that   commodious   restorative    establishment.     The  eloquence  of  the 

itump-orator  of  involuntary  total  abstinence  would  have    been   permanently  stopped    by 

ie  IISKIAN  argument;    but  would  have  been  closed  for  the  time  only,  if  he  had  been 

mogically  pumped  upon. 


THE   DESERTED   VILLAGE. 

LONDON  is  so  empty  that  a  country  "gentleman, 
who,  on  Tuesday  last,  happened  to  drop  a  few 
thousands  in  Credit  Hobitier shares  on  the  Stock 
Exchange,  found  them  there  the  next  morning 
in  precisely  the  same  place.  His  joy  at  this  dis- 
covery knew  no  bounds,  for  it  was  evident  that 
the  poor  simple  fellow  had  given  up  all  hopes  of 
ever  seeing  his  money  again.  As  may  be 
readily  surmised,  the  gentleman  lost  no  time  in 
whipping  the  amount —not  one  penny  of  which 
had  been  disturbed — into  his  pocket,  and,  unob- 
served by  a  single  person,  leisurely  decamped. 
However,  he  did  not  omit,  either  in  the  excess  of 
his  honesty,  or  malice,  to  leave  the  original  shares 
behind  him,  and  there,  probably,  they  still  are,  for 
the  benefit  of  any  one  who  chooses  to  pickthem  up. 


THE  REGULATION  HEIGHT  OF 
ABSURDITY. 

THERE  was  a  little  man, 
Who  could  use  a  rifle-gun, 
That  would  knock  any  Sepoy  o'er : 
For  a  soldier  he  would  go, 
But,  alas  !  lie  can't  do  so, 
Because  he 's  but  five  feef  "four ! 
What  signifies  his  height  ? 
This  little  man  can  fight, 
For  his  bullets  are  made  of  lead; 
.And  he  can  pull  a  trigger 
As  well  as  one  that 's  bigger, 
And  shoot  a  foe  through  the  head. 


INFALLIBLE  RAILWAY  SHAKE.— Mismanage- 
nent :  this  break  is  so  effectual  that  it  has  been 
tnown  to  bring  the  best  line  going  to  a  com- 
plete stand-still. 


EAZZIA  ON    THE   RATS. 

ALTHOUGH  the  wild  sports  of  the  season  are  chiefly  practised  in  the 
Duntry,  persons  who  are  unfortunately  compelled  to  reside  in  London 
have  occasionally  a  sporting  treat,  which  refreshes  them,  and  enables 
them  the  better  to  endure  their  metropolitan  penance.    Of  this  kind 
was  a  capital  Rat-hunt  which  took  place  last  week  in  Holywell  Street 
A  party  of  sportsmen  had  determined  on  routing  out  a  colony  of  Rats 
riuch  have  long  infested  that  neighbourhood.    This  process  has  for 
y  years  been  desired,  but  certain  parochial  authorities,  who  have 
•i!n     ^ Ldl*tnct>  have  always  pretended  that  the  thing  was 
impossible.    The  Rats  are  of  a  peculiarly  offensive  kind ;  and  ale   in 
tact,  the  most  odious  vermin  in  the  Metropolis.    They  are   like  Bats 
general,  especially  mischievous  to  the  young,  and  wherever  they 
ocate,  they  poison  the  vicinity.    Some  of  them  are  British,  others  are 
Palestine  rats,  but  the  garbage  by  which  they  live  is 
abominable  and  pestiferous.    They  are  very  wily,  and  used  only 
en  at  night,  but  the  conduct  of  the  parochials  emboldened  the 
beasts  and  they  have  of  late  pursued  their  prey  in  broad  day-light.    A 
aiaon  the  Rats  was  determined  upon,  and  a  large  field  of  sports- 
i  blue,  surrounded   the  neighbourhood,  and  ferrets  of   the 
e  species  were  sent  in.    The  scene  that  ensued  baffles  descrip- 
tion, the  Rate  .rushed  about  shrieking  and  squeaking,  and  trying  to 
carry  away  their  foul  provender.    But  they  were  met  at  every  ton 
and  mercilessly  trapped.    The  take  was  very  lartre.  and  the  ' 


The  neighbourhood  is  much  improved,  but  all  the  vermin 
"dwei™^  their  persecutors'will  persever™ 

nn     T.nS>  aid  <?'huerwise>  th«y  may  be  driven  from  this 
on.    There  should  be  no  mercy  for  such  beasts. 


A  fux 


Topular  Prejudice  about  an  Author. 


latform, 


poiuted  out  to 


but 
shnil 
until  the 


. 

's  gout  a  hat,  and  he's  so  we'el  dress'd  too    TL,l        f 

• 


NEW  CHURNING  PROCESS. 

N  extensive 
butter- monger 
in  Bond  Street, 
who  has  fresh 
butter  sent  up 
to  him  from  the 
country  every 
morning,  saves 
himself  now 
all  the  trouble 
and  expense  of 
churning.  He 
simply  puts  his 
churns,  filled 
with  milk,  on 
one  of  the 
trucks  of  the 
Eastern  Coun- 

and  he  finds,  by  the  time  the  train  has  arrived  in  London  that "the 
milk,  m  consequence  of  the  severe  shaking  and  jolting  so'  capital] v 
managed  on  that  line,  is  effectively  turned  into  solid  butter ! 

CCELESTIBUS  IRA. 

TRIO.— J/y  Lady  the  Countas.—  CIVAP.OSA. 
CCMMINO.  WISEMAN.  PUNCH. 

Gumming.  MY  lord  the  Archbishop,  I  humbly  salute  ye, 

Your  title  becomes  you,  as  gems  the  POPE'S  shoe-tie  • 
,„.  v  But  only  Permit  me  to  laugh  at  the  name. 

IHseman.  You  cunning  old  GUMMING,  his  Lordship  defies  ye 
You  heretic  humbug,  I  hate  and  despise  ye 

r,m    •      v      5 r  c,ensure  18  honolu'.  your  praise  were  a  blame. 
Citmmtiiff.  You  donkey ! 

Wiseman.  You  monkey ! 

You  flunkey ! 

bluster  your  boldest,  don't  think  that  I  funk  ™    ™  * ' 
Mr.  Punch,  (indignantly}  0  Preachers,  O  Teachers,  be  silent,  for  \ 

shame ! 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


147 


THE   NORTHERN 


I[n\v  doth  the  busy  Russian  Bee 

iHivc-  the  darkened  hour, 

And  kindly  hone  it  will  not  see 

The  fall  of  England's  power. 

How  skilfully  it  frames  the  "sell," 

Fort-ri  -II  whacks, 

And  owns  JOHN  KILL  does  pretty  well 

"VVhate'er  he  undertakes. 

So  now,  let  Russia,  with  a  will, 

The  works  of  peace  pursue  : 
For  Satan  finds  some  mischief  still 

i'or  soldier-States  to  do. 

In  laying  down  the  Iron  Way, 

Be  her  next  century  passed, 
And  then,  who  knows,  the  world  may  say  — 

"  She  's  civilised  at  last." 


Hindoo   Smytiiology. 

WE  read,  in  one  of   the   innumerable  books 
recently  published  upon  India,  that  the — 


"  Hindoo  mythology  contains  no  le 

deities." 


than  330,000,000 


We  should  say  that,  by  this  time,  the'number 
was  increased  to  330,000,001 ;  for  you  may  be 
sure  that  VERNON  SMITH,  m  return  for  the  great 
services  rendered  by  him  to  the  Hindoo  cause, 
has  already  been  raised  to  the  rank  of  a  Deity. 


FLUNKEIANA. 

John  Thomas.  "YES,  I  MUST  LKAVE.      You  SEE,  MART,  MY  DEAR — THERE'S  TOO  MUCH  BED 

IN  THE   LIVERY,   AND   THAT  DON'T  SUIT   MY   COMPLEXION — NEVER  DID!" 


PROVERB  FOR  ALL  AGES.— Sorrows  grow  less 
ami  los  every  time  they  are  told,  just  like  .the 
age  of  a  Woman ! 


THE  HUMILIATION  INDEMNITY  FUND. 

WE  have  much  pleasure  in  being  enabled  to  state  that  a  numerously 
attended  meeting  of  serious  persons  of  the  superior  classes  was  held  on 
Tuesday  last  at  Exeter  Hall,  with  the  truly  laudable  and  pious  object 
of  collecting  funds  for  affording  compensation  to  workpeople,  and  other 


do  something  that  would  be  very  similar  to  devouring  the  houses  of 
widows ;  and  the  pretence  of  making  long  prayers  would  only  complete 
the  resemblance.  He  hoped  he  need  not  follow  out  the  comparison 
suggested. 

The  Right  Reverend  Prelate  was  followed  by 

SIR  JOHN  BULLION,  Bart.,  who  said  that  a  poor  man  could  not 
afford  to  fast.  Instead  of  taking  away  his  wages,  those  who  desired 


industrious  persons  dependent  upon  wages,  and  compelled  to  lose  one  |  j,im  to  fast,  ought  to  supply  him"  with"  the  means'  of  purchasing  salt 
whole  day  s  pay,  through  the  appointment  of  V\  ednesday  as  a  day  of  nsa  and  egg-sauce  for  that  purpose.  They  might  humiliate  themselves 
last  and  Humiliation.  Ihe  Chair  was  taken  by  the  EARL  OF  BLOOMS-  by  being  guilty  of  shamefully  mean  conduct  :  but  he  did  not  see  any 

religion  in  that.  The  humiliation  of  the  rich  by  the  impoverishment 
of  the  poor  might  be  summarily  described.  Humiliation  was  too  long 
a  word  for  it— to  express  it  properly,  subtract  all  the  letters  of  that 
word  but  the  three  first.  If  they  could  not  humiliate  themselves 
without  punishing  the  poor,  they  had  better  let  humiliation  alone :  for 
such  humiliation,  as  they  might  expect  to  find,  was  worse  than  no 
humiliation  at  all. 

Thanks  were  then  voted  to  the  Chairman,  and  the  meeting  separated, 
after  £10,000  had  been  subscribed  on  the  spot. 


,  of  Wednesday  as 
'n  by  the  EARL  OF  ] 

BURY,  and  on  the  platform  were  observed  the  BISHOP  OF  BELGRAVIA, 
and  LORD  TYBURN,  with  others  of  the  nobility,  gentry,  and  clergy. 

The  CHAIRMAN,  after  having  briefly  stated  the  purpose  of  the 
meeting,  said  that  the  Humiliation  which  would  deprive  the  lower 
classes  of  a  day's  wages,  would  be  humiliating  indeed  to  the  better 
orders  at  whose  desire,  Humiliation  Days  were  appointed.  Whilst  it 
placed  them  in  a  most  humiliating  position,  it  took  from  their  humili- 
ation every  particle  of  merit,  or  rather  rendered  what  should,  be 
devout  humiliation,  hypocritical  baseness. 

LORD  TYBURN  rose  to  propose  a  resolution  calculated  to  carry  out 
the  end  in  view.  A  national  fast  was  a  good  thing  for  those  who  were 
in  a  condition  to  fast — namely  in  good  condition— haying  plenty  to  eat 
and  drink.  To  call  upon  the  hungry  to  fast  was  ridiculous— it  was 
converting  n  fast  into  a  farce.  Those  who  demanded  a  fast  day  ought 
to  pay  for  it,  and  demonstrate  their  penitence  and  contrition  at  their 
own  expense,  and  not  at  that  of  their  indigent  neighbours.  The  noble 
lord  moved  that  a  Committee  be  appointed  to  receive  subscriptions  for 
the  purpose  of  indemnifying  industrious  individuals  necessarily 
deprived  of  a  day's  wages  through  the  suspension  of  business  occa- 
sioned by  the  General  JIumiliation  and  East  of  Wednesday  the 

pleasure  in  seconding  the 


/ th  inst. 
The  BISHOP  OF  BELGRAVIA  had  much 


CIVIL  AND  MILITARY  GRATUITIES. 


i 


To  the  Editor  of  Punch.- 
".Sin, 

"  1  SEE  that  GENERAL  HAVELOCK  has  received1  a  Good 
Service  Pension  of  £100  a-year.  Of  course  this  will  come  out  of  the 
public  money,  and  will  tend  to  lessen  the  fund  which  is  available  for 
granting  proper  allowances  to  those  to  whom  they  are  justly  due. 
Officers  enter  the  Army  under  certain  conditions;  they  receive  so 
much  for  their  duties,  and  the  understanding  is,  that  for  the  consider- 


motion.     Humiliation  and  Fasting  involved  sacrifice;  but  what  sort  of  atipn  stated,  they  are  to  do  their  duties  as  well  as  possible.    For  ful- 


a  sacrifice  was  that  when  the  sacrilicers  were  those  who -rejoiced  in 
wealth  and  affluence,  and  the  thing  sacrificed  was  the  hire  of  the  needy 
labourer:'  Did  they  who  were  blest  with  independent  property,  and 
many  of  whom  were  rolling  in  superfluous  riches,  imagine  that  they 
should  make  an  acceptable  offering  out  of  poor  workmen's  wages? 
And  what  would  all  their  enemies  say — especially  those  who  hated 
them  to  the  death  for  their  opposition  to  the  pernicious  errors  of 
Rome?  Let  them  only  consider  what  painful  remarks  the  f 'Hirers 
and  the  Tablet  would  be  sure  to  make  on  the  subject.  If  the  working 
classes  were  not  compensated  for  the  wages  which  they  would  lose  by 
the  Humiliation  Day,  those  who  inflicted  that  loss  upon  them  would 


filling  their  agreement  I  see  no  reason  why  they  should  receive  more 
than  they  bargained  for.  Let  them  have  as  much  honour  as  you  like, 
for  that  costs  the  public  nothing.  Honour  is  the  proper  recompense 
for  hardships  endured,  wounds  received,  and  limbs  lost ;  pecuniary 


pension  is  not  a  very 
itself;  but  it  would  have  formed  a  pleasant  little  addition  to  the  com- 
pensation allotted  to,   Sir,  your  hardly-treated  and  poorly-requited 
public  servant, 
"  Doctors'  CommoM,  Oct.,  1857."  "  PROCTOR." 


VOL.  XXXIII. 


143 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBEU  10,  1857. 


THE    FAIRY    GODMOTHER    OUTDONE. 

\\t    extract    the  following   impudent  I 
advertisement    from    a    Scarborough 
newspaper.     We  think  it   fairly  puts 
the    extinguisher    upon   all  previous 
attempts  at  imposition: — 

JUST  PUBLISHED,  and  sent  pott  fret  on  rmipt 
of  14  •*• 

PERSONAL  BEAUTY,  by  a  SORQEON, 

*  t'onttunhij,'  8iinj)lo  mill  Coucise  Directions 
f»r  Imparting  to  the  Skin  n  vt-1 
to  tlii'Tveih  :i  i  c':irly  whiteness;  lo  the  Il.'ii- 
-y  luxuriance  ;  to  the  Eye  a  natural  bril- 
liuncy  ;  to  (he  Urenth  a  IVaaraut  sweetness, 
:uul  In  thtj  ILiiid  a  Miuwy  whiteness. 

There,  for  little  more  than  a  shilling, 
more  gifts  promised  than  a  fairy 
godmother  ever  dropned  into  the  cradle 
of  one  of  her  pet  protegees!  We  suppose 
there  are  fools  who  put  faith  in  such 
advertisements,  or  else  you  would  not 
have  tradesmen  investing  their  money 
in  setting  traps  like  the  above  to  catch 
them.  The  trap  is  so  open  that  the 
wonder  is,  that  any  fool  can  be  found 

short-sighted  enough  to  drop    into  it.     Scarborough  must  be  full 
of   fools,    for   the    newspapers   are    crowded    with   similar 
to   common    sense       It    ' 


somebody.  I'll  let  the  stars  pass,  but  I  beg  to  protest  against  the 
treatment  of  the  sun  and  moon,  the  latter  in  particular,  for  she  is 
,nrf  |V|  a  nd  ankles  ,a.nd  wif.dom  Sr<>w  bigger  with  years,  as  wineskins 
™d /'"n  grow  bigger  the  more  you  pour  into ithem;  ankles,  my 
*BM  bir,  aged  forty  and  upwards  should  be  treated  like  the  faces  of 
iiulush  women— in  fact,  they  should  be  supposed  by  man  to  be 
extinct,  like  the  Dodo. 

"  Well  as  I  am  shut  out  from  the  sea  and  heavens  I  '11  turn  to  earth 
and  woman  is  all  I  lie  earth  to  me.    Alas!  I  look  out  of  my  window 
and  that  conquering  Gitsar,  the  young  ADOUMIUS,  has  conquered  her' 
1  hat  man,  Sir,  is  a  dovecote,  which  all  her  soft  sweet  smiles  inhabit  • 
he  is  a  grove,  where  her  musical  words  dwell  and  sing;  lie  is  an  isle  of 
the  Southern  Ocean,  where  her  bright  glances  play  for  ever ;  oh  heaven  ! 
he  is  a  Paradise,  where  are  those  kisses  all,  all  divine  ;  and;  in  si; 
is  a  humbug.  I  am  in  a  fix,  Mr.  Punch,  like  NAPOLEON  at  St.  II. 
by  the  bye  1  should  have  bfgun  a  fresh  paragraph,  as  I  have  brought 
m  NAPOLEON,  but  never  mind. 

I  have  come  to  the  resolution  of  killing  myself,  but  as  I  am  in  doubt 
as  to  the  best  way  of  doing  it,  I'll  wait  till' I  receive  your  advice  on 
that  point ;  though  I  think  that  if  I  fell  upon  my  steel  pen,  as  Cato 
Ml  upon  his  sword,  it  would  be  mosf  in  keeping  ;'  but.  as  I  said  I'll 
wait  lor  your  advice,  which  shall  be  implicitly  followed."  ..  jj  ,, 


A   WORD  FROM   A  WIFE'S   MOTHER. 


to  common   sense.     It   is   a  pity  that  the   "  Suia__..      

endorse  the  lies  with  the  authority  of  his  name.     It  would  have 


Surgeons  to  it.    „„ , 

by  hiighmg  m   her  blue  sleeves   at   the  gullibib'ty   of  the 
'  bcarboioa  Fawis."    i'or  ourselves  we  should  have  great  doubts  as  to 
le  quality  of  the  "velvet"  that  could  be  procured  for  fourteenpence, 

ttlOULrh   tli::rft   POllM   Tint   IIP  a    co/>r»iifl   /minimi    ae   tnilm  ((  o*^f*  vmrc    "  ^f  *l... 


MR    IUNCH  has  received  a  very  elegantly  written  and  very  artful 
•   letter  from  a  lady  who  states  herself  to  be  a  Wife's  Mother   and  who 
k   complains  of  the  sarcasms  which  she  says  Mr.  Punch  and  the  other 
breat  Writers  of  the  day  occasionally  discharge  against  the  Mother 

;, ,"Y  "',"""•  """""  ">•-  "-^""""  "i  mo  v,u,a;gc  ui  j  m-Law.     Our  correspondent  wishes   "a  kind  word"   said   far  tW 

Doubtlessly  it  is  some  bathing  woman,  who  is  amusing  individual. 

Humph ! 

Well,  what  sort  of  a  case  does  the  complainant  make  out? 

She  says  that,  "when  a  young  gentleman  is  making  love  to  a  voun°- 

(IV.     MP   PlinpftTrrvni'e    i t\    i\\nnon     4-l-m     ^,41, „_  1 .  r    i  i»          •  i      *»» 


pity  that  the   "Surgeon"   does    not 

^..v../. jv,   vut  iico   »*nu   LUC  authority  of  his  name.     It  would  have 
given  us  great  pleasure  to  have  drawn  the  attention  of  the  College  of 


1  LlT  »«•»«•         lllAl   UU1UU    UC   JJIUUUIUU  J  UI    JUUI  tCr  UpellCC 

though  there  could  not  be  a  second  opinion  as  to  the  "  softness  "  of  the 
customer  who  could  lend  himself  to  the  absurdity  of  obtaining  any  such 
uticular  raiment.  As  for  the  "pearly  whiteness,"  we  are  thunder- 
struck with  the  liberality  of  the  "Surgeon,"  who  flings  away  his  pearls 
at  such  an  incredulously  low  price. 

We_have  drunk  Purl  just  as  often  as  CLEOPATRA,  whom  we  look 
upon  in  history  as  the  original  Mother-o'-Purl ;  we  have  repeatedly 
stopped  to  quench  our  thirst  at  the  "purling  stream  ;  "  but  we  cannot 
say  that  we  ever  found  our  teeth  any  the  whiter  for  the  refreshir,"- 
(Ofc  buch  pearls  are  too  easily  seen  through  for  our  money.  Bv 
t  lie  bye,  what  a  faultless  Adonis  this  same  nnnnvmnns  "  Knrcronn  "  m,,.,* 


,  eman  s  mang  ove  o  a  voun°- 

lady,  he  endeavours  to  please  the  other  members  of  her  family,"  and 

may  possibly  have  a  kindly  feeling  towards  the  girl's  Mamma,"  whose 
good  otnces  he  tries  to  enlist  in  his  favour."  He  would  not  be  often 
asked  to  a  house  if  he  did  not  conciliate  the  mistress  thereof  "  Then 
the  Mamma,  believing  that  he  likes  her,  proceeds  after  the  marriage  to 
act  on  that  conviction,  and  is  cruelly  undeceived,  and  so  forth. 

Nothing  short  of  a  Mother-in-Law  's  assurance  could  have  drawn 
such  a  picture  as  this.  When  do  young  gentlemen  make  love  to  youn°- 
ladies  P  M  hen  indeed,  is  it  necessary  for  a  young  gentleman,  if'he  bl 


,  r  a  young  geneman,       e 

a  decently  eligible  party,  to  do  so  ?  Does  he  not  find  the  love  made  for 
mm."     ines  to  enlist  the  good  offices  of  Mamma!    Has  a  mouse  to 

° 


ry — :       ••     ~«*<"  j'vciii.     ui    iuu  OOBAJ  seen  inrougii  lor  our  money, 
lie  bj  e,  what  a  faultless  Adonis  this  same  anonymous  "  Surgeon  "  mi 

MtAS^Sfct'ffi  °Wh^ih  totl^^  ^^f  ^f^sof  PusstohoMopen-^^rof^Irap^  „ 
streets,  better  than  gas,  on  a  da, kriight!     What  luxuriant  hair •  Ke  i  fe    Irf^K?  ^11  c??cJh^eS   the    mist''nS  !     Why  Madl"».    *™ 
away  m  ringlets  to  his  enamoured  patients  '    What  an  PVP  for  n  f»»  ?   „   TP         ytl'u-N     »en   tnat,    it    you    want   C-IIARLES,   or  AUGUSTUS, 
What  Infant  breath  to  inquire  delicately  into  the  state  of  a  love-sick    do  whatXhe°]ikrr  fr'!'"  h      i  y°U  ""?'  ^  •?ffTded  wit!1  hira'  let  him 

ss^siS  S^£boftevS±'S^  i  IS  p£  ^^™^^c^^& 

broad-brimmed  hat  'J  9UflS£Z  °™l™Te^™  th'is   *SS«  &££%  «?^™l^l  £>  l*L$S  ^ 


. 
the 


•OH  of  a  "Surgeon"  can  wain,    me  sire 
torn  by  the  admiring  ladies  into  a  thousand  little  mis' 
mystery  is  at  once  explained  why  the  slv  dog  hides  his  name 
the  necessity  of  safety,  alas !  that  compels  the  incognito 


or  crarno.  ,         -  , 

we  wonder  how  tls        tv  ;.     l  •  i    f  ,    8f  a?    e?w  ln  7ashm?  lf)  ;  if  he  comes  to  your 
lk    thj  s°reet«<  Witho,  ?   »  H  !f       •   7       ?  f  .°f  after-dinnenslmcss,  it  is  only  his  high  spirits  ; 

and  '  iU  e  ti'J    The   SS  ^c  aracter°  wtfv™,"1^0^0"^!18'  i4  »  M«  ™anly  frSukiss  of 
_   i-.,      ,•  -,1.     m»  cnaracfer  \vnicu    ou  admi 


The1 
It  is 


FIX. 


A  CONTRIBUTOR  IN  A 
"Mv  DEAK  SIR,  « 

'TWO    'i'  \°Fi  coml)lai.n  t'lat  I  am  remiss  in  my  duties.    Yousav- 

•gsKfis  1^'^™  cV?t?;Kw£S 
fiSfciSKfssiyfjLrsSs 

x  and  cruel  'or,'  my  dear  Punch?    That 'sail  I 


..„.„.,.„  ilfcwt,  ^v  JWILL  menus,  lu  ja  me  luamv  jraiiKiiess  01 
_  character,  which  you  admire  more  than  specious  and  hypocritical 
refinement.  Don't  talk  to  us  about  conciliation;  haven't  we  been 
married.  Madam  ?  We  were  a  good  match ;  and  one  day  we  sat  down 
on  Judy  s  Mamma  a ipet  lap-dog,  and  extinguished  the  same  ;  and  the 
old  lady  shook  the  feather  in  her  old  red  turban,  and  said,  smilingly 
that  everything  must  die  some  time  or  another.  She  has  hitherto 
culpably  and  carefully  abstained  from  fulfilling  the  prediction  in  her 
own  case,  though ;  but  that  is  neither  here  nor  there 

And  then  our  correspondent  complains  that  after  marriage  the 
Mottier-m-Law  must  not  call  too  often ;  must  weigh  her  words  lest 
they  be  misinterpreted;  and  must  not  give  the  "young  creature  "'(this 


crue      or,' 
Saracen's  Head 


a  pleasant 


a 


t  •   i     ;.  •(-.«. .w.v,u  xuj  cuiuiaa  5U  ions:  linon  I  Bat 

.SF-K'tHs 

^h^i^rLtrtr'^^.^^ 

jireM-rve  hpf,,,^  t    (i  L.slla|l , "=  WKCT  up  for  poaching,  for  that 

tl.ose  squares,  the  poets  who  stru'm  upo.Uhc  Harp 


they  like  without  comment. 

May  they?    By  Jove!    We  don't  know  what  you  call  comment, 

T&;  MUt-We  ^n°VM  M™-P™°^  lons-lcgged  cousin  in  the 
Bombay  Marines  thought  when  we  expounded  to  him  that  he  was  not 
to  come  drinking  our  brandy-pawnee  more  than  four  ni-hts  in  a  week 
and  never  in  our  absence.  And  a  comment  which  we  imparted  ioJi,,!,,'* 
uncle  BILL,  upon  that  respected  relative's  habit  of  calling  after  we  had 
left  for  business,  borrowing  the  household  cash,  and  "advising"  Mrs 
/«»how  to  r 


,  ,  an       avsng        rs 

to  run  up  bills  threw  that  affectionate  uncle  into  such  a 
j  that  we  almost  hoped  never  to  see  him  any  more  ;  but  he  ulti- 
mately cried  into  a  yellow  silk  handkerchief  and  asked  us  for  a  sove- 
mgn.  bo  that  even  if  we  do  object,  to  our  wife's  Mother  being 

mixed  I  government         '  W'  haVe  ^  °bjeCti°n  to  any  otller  form  of 

of  |?pUrrnCOrrHSp0','(lent  t!Mn  ip^^uces,  very  cunningly,  a  pretty  picture 
of  her  own  daughlers    One  is  ,  nmrru-H,  and  in  a  distant  region.'  Another 
is     a  dear,  good  girl,"  with  "a  warm  and  affectionate  heart,"  and- 
t  is  of  no  use,  dear  Madam,  We  are  married.    So  are  all  our  voun<* 


JL 

PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


149 


OCTOBER,  10,  1857.] 

mm  mid  lie.  squints,  anil  is  engaged.    POLLY  is  a  sweetly  The  Clergy,  it  is  true,  are  reputed  to  look  sharply  out  for  loavc 

us  and  there  has  hi  en  :i  time  when,  on  the  hint,  in  ;.uur  letter,  we  cannot  assume  therefore  that  their  jud 

we  should   have   mounted  our  gt  ridden  aw.iy  to  have  I'.'.me-m.idi:  luead  "  is  superior  to  Other   j. 

a  look  at  her     Hut.  r  rer.    Vim  cleverly  allude  to  i-u;  much  more  faith  in  the  opinion  of  a  i 

ll.MUtY  ,|OM:'N  aa  allaehed  to'lier.    So,  jou  !>;\M-  Caught  iL&KBY  J<  uan,  we  »r; 

cru  •  ••  .  ithiii  liis  kn  •     their 

We  have  some  notion  thai  you  are  a  very  good  Mother-in  i.a\v.  That  make  and  freedom  from  adulteration,  he  can  In:  no  better  jud 
yon  watch  anxiously  over  your  diihl's  happineat  .iling.    It  may  be  in  hie  profession  toexamme  ami  in 

!>u"ht  not  to  avoiddoing,  bu1  don'i  have  a  permanent  watch-box  ia  her  mt  be  can  pretend  to  no  mote  i-. 

husband's  house.    Tl  ollect  that  your  child  and  her  hatband  into  that  of  bread  than  had  he,  remained  a  member  oi  ; 

arc  one,  and  tl;  .she  "ill  suffer  also.       l'>  why  a  (Sergyman 

Thai  pou  are  rather  grateful  to  h  ing  taken  your  angel_ under  should  so  prom:  i  Mill 

his  ea're  and  enl  to  society  and  the  law  to  provide  for  greater  bewilderment  to  tad  his  family  dragged  in  as   n 

her  to  t'ke  end  conduct  in  the  We  might  almost  think  from  this,  that  BO  L'  :   attaches  I 

he, I  IHit  before  her  .:  h'ing  that  you  may  hear,  or  .iuion  that  additional  testimony] 

hack  It,     Or  •  mily    aet    men  ly   as   0 


-ee  that,  that  silk  has  been  worn  o  •<>  revercnn 

That    -on  don't  use   MARIA'S   infl  uiT:andthr  hi  nelii    ,  .ae  r~ ' 

:is   for  jour  son  by  your    first  niarri;,  ..ddest  udjtciive,  we  must  consider  doubtful. 

•mtiiig  anil  small-coating  brother's  seen 

THE  TJLTEAMONTANE  AGAINST  ENGLAND. 


socie  ;md  one  of  \vhom 

ay  nothing  11  handsome  face)  a  soivin-Liw  is  as  proud  as 

of  any  I'eniiiiiue  connection. 

Von  are  all  this,  So  are  many  thousands  of  Mo' 

Lawc  :>ud  that  tkoaeTvho   are   not   may   reform 

into  the  liken-ss  of  those  who  a,,  ,•&  occasionally    A  Bieoi,  kaeeJisgto  a  doll,  cut  angles  on  his  , 

lints  and  advice.     Are  you  answered,  Madam:    And  he  pra  land,  whom  the  Roman  priests  del 

other  ever  answei  to  see  for  any  (  iuls, 

With  Ins  sinister  aud  scowling  eyes,  and  his  sallow  lantern  joles. 


DOUBTFUL    BENEFIT    OF    CLERGY. 


TO   HIS   FETICHE. 


"How  long,"  the  shaven  devotee  the  painted  doll  b 

"  Ere  Knirlaud's  power  and  greatness  shall  '  —  *s  lie  brought  ? 

(  )li  !  when  shall  dogged  courage  her  possessions  fail  to  save  ? 
'lEns  of  the  Keren/   When  shall  her  now  triumphant  fleets  be  swept  from  every  v. 

similarly      timed 
pnnte.it,   is   no    uncom- 


„  sll;l]1  she  gurviye  th;s  Tnd;an  y        and  rise         ;„  once  more> 

many  ,imes 


mandatory  qualities,  her 
knowledge  of  made  dishes 
or  proficiency  in  neerile- 
woik.  This  sort  of  kit- 
chen stuff  must  be  in  de- 
maiid  with  some  people, 
or  there  would  soon  cease 
to  be  provided  a  supply 
of  it.  Servants,  no  doubt, 
find  it  answer  to  prefix 
themselves  as  pious,  or 
they  would  most  probably 
not  pay  for  space  to  do  so. 
What  ever  be  our  own 
opinion  on  the  subject, 
that  adjective  may  prove 
of  serious  advantage  to 
them  in  applying  for  a 
situation  in  a  Serious 
Family. 

It  is  only  by  a  some- 
what similar  assumption  that  Ave  are  able  to  explain  the  following 
advertisement,  which,  merely  altering  the  last  three  letters  of  the 
name,  we  quote  in  its  entirety  from  a  sea-side  paper : — 


.1  •  i  .  v,3   T*  c.  tuao   ;    iiti*u  ovtn   in  i  uu  a\j  mativ    i  iinv.o   m_ivi>, 

1  According  to  her  boastful  strain,  the  Saints  which  should  provoke, 

or    housemaid    advertise  -^        .    6  t,.  ,  ...__• x_._i__ 

herself  as  being  "truly 
pious,"  which  epithet  is 
classed  with  lier  com- 


CADGER. 

MOT1IEBS  AND    FATHERS  WHO  WISH   TO  HAVE 

PURE.  HOME     MADE     BREAD 

for  their  families,  can  be  confidently  recommended  by 
a  Clergyman  and  family  to 

CADGER'S,  145,   LOW  STREET, 

I     THE    OLD    POST    01 

Now,  with  all  respect  and  reverence  for  the  uses  of  tlie  Church,  we 
cannot  see  what,  use  it  can  be  to  the  community  to  know  what  bakers' 
bread  a  Clergyman  affects — and  it  puzzles  us  to  think  why  a  Clergyman's 
approval  should  be  deemed  of  so  much  worth  in  so  imcterical  a  matter. 


More  dreadful  to  her  enemies  for  every  foreign  stroke. 

"How  lonsr'erc  we  shall  point,  to  her,  and  say :  Lo !  where  she  lies, 
"Who  dared  resist  the  Holy  See,  and  Rome  "s  decrees  despise  ? 
Till  then,  except  us  faithful,  who  with  flowers  will  deck  thy  shrine, 
And  bend  the  knee  before  tliee,  and  acknowledge  thee  divine  ? 

''  How  soon,  were  England's  snn  set,  would  the  pious  night  return, 
Which  to  illuminate  we  should  our  holy  tapers  burn ! 
The  baleful  rays  of  Knowledge  would  be  soon  extinguished  <|i; 
Then  Faith,  once  more,  again  on  Earth  would  shed  the  only  light. 

"  The  old  world's  glory  underwent  a  long  and  deep  eclipse, 
When  all  that,  any  one  was  taught  proceeded  from  our  lips ; 
Why  should  not  modern  science — that  to  witchcraft  is  akin — 
Decline  and  die  like  classic  lore,  alike  the  birth  of  sin? 

"  The  sun  will  then  move  round  the  earth  as  it  was  wont  of  yore, 
Antipodes  will  scandalize  the  faithful  soul  no  more ; 
And  Heaven  will  be  above  the  vault  of  blue,  o'erhanging  wide, 
With  none  but  those  who  worsliip  thee  upon  the  other  side. 

"No  longer,  then,  the  iron  horse  will  fly  with  wings  of  steam, 
Presumption's  lightning  wire  will  then  have  vanished  like  a  dream  ; 
True  miracles  will  these  succeed  ;  and  Saints,  secure  from  jokes, 
Will  shine  by  night  and  oceans  cross  upon  their  sacred  cloaks. 

"But,  ah !  while  England  holds  her  own,  a  beacon  to  mankind, 

Vile  heresy  will  rear  ils  head,  refusing  to  be  blind 

In  order  by  our  priestly  aid  that  it  may  learn  to  see, 

And  tell  its  beads  and  sing  its  hymns,  and  say  its  prayers  to  thee. 

"  Oh  !  expedite  the  happy  hour  when  man  shall  cease  to  think, 
And  all  confess  that  tliou  canst  nod,  and  own  that  thou  canst  wink, 
Hut  this  will  never  come  to  pass  while  England 's  hale  and  strong  ; 
How  long  ere  she  shall  perish  then,  adorable,  how  long  P " 


A  Blue-Stocking  that  Wants  Mending. 

Jerly  Bos  Bleu,  being  asked  for  an  inscription  to  the  JF.NNKR 
Monument,  seized  hold  of  a  pen  in  a  Delphic  frenzy  of  inspiration, 
and,  iu  the  readiest  manner,  dotted  down  the  following : — 

Curantr ! 


"HE  REPEALED  THE  SMALL 


150 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CE         .ART. 


[OCTOBER  10,  1857. 


THE     ARTISTICC!)      STUDIO. 

A  Stereoscopic  Scene  from  Fashionable  Life. 

"Love,  Pride,  Revenge."— THE  GROUP  REPRESENTS  A  YOUNG  MINSTREL  or  HUMBLE  ORIGIN,  DECLARING  HIS  PASSION  TO  A 
LADY  OF  NOBLE  PARENTAGE.  HER  HAUGHTY  BROTHER,  AS  MAY  BE  SEEN  FROM  HIS  MENACING  ATTITUDE,  is  ABOUT  TO  AVENGE  THE 
INSULT  OFFERED  TO  ms  FAMILY  ! 


THE   HEROIC  CEAFTS. 

LETTER  to  the  Times,  signed  E.  J.,  gives 
a  list  of  the  several  trades  of  recruits  who 
had  joined  the  Depots  at  Parkhurst  within 
the  preceding  fortnight.  The  intention  of 
the  writer  is  to  convince  drapers'  assistants 
that  if  they  entered  the  ranks  of  the  Army 
they  would  be  at  no  loss  to  find  respect- 
able  companions.  He  proves,  however 
something  more  than  that.  Out  of  33 
recruits,  of  various  trades,  there  are  four 
shoemakers,  and  no  less  than  five  tailors, 
whilst  the  number  of  shoe-makers  is 
equalled  only  by  that  of  the  bakers.  Here 
is  one  more  fact  in  proof  of  the  martial 
and  pugnacious  turn  which  has  been  lately 
discovered  to  characterize  tailors  and  shoe- 
makers ;  especially  tailors :  a  fact  in 
singular  contradiction  to  the  antiquated 
idea,  which  imputed  peculiar  meekness 
and  pusillanimity  to  those  craftsmen. 

That  bakers  should  form  a  comparatively  large  proportion  of 
recruits  is  not  surprising:  they  are  in  a  measure  inured  to  ser- 
vice by  having  to  stand  fire :  but  what  it  is  that  inflames  the 
breast  ot  the  shoemaker  and  tailor,  particularly,  with  military 
ardour  philosophy  fails  to  discover.  The  suggestion  that  the 
shoemaker,  from  the  material  on  which  he  operates,  derives  a  fancy 
or  leathering  the  enemies  of  his  country,  appears  far  fetched  and 
ittle  better  can  be  said  for  the  supposition,  that  the  tailor  has  con- 
stantly an  object  in  view  which  inspires  him  with  a  desire  to  cook 


THE   FINES  ON  THE  FAST-DAY. 

MR.  PUNCH  has  the  utmost  pleasure  in  announcing  that  great 
numbers  of  the  higher  classes,  struck  with  the  extreme  injustice  of  the 
arrangement  by  which,  in  the  case  of  the  humbler  9rders,  actors, 
singers,  and  all  others  who  are  paid  Daily  Wages,  a  Fine,  amounting 
to  a  day's  earnings,  is  imposed  by  a  National  Fast,  have  resolved  on 
placing  themselves  on  an  equality  with  their  fellow-subjects  upon 
occasion  of  the  Day  of  Humiliation.  They  have  determined  to  Fine 
themselves,  each  in  the  sum  of  his  day's  income,  (which  is  not  affected 
by  the  order  for  suspension  of  business  and  pleasure)  and  to  hand  the 
same  over  to  the  Indian  Fund  in  the  name  of  some  portion  of  the 
classes  whose  sacrifice  of  income  is  compulsory.  Among  the  donations 
which  have  been  already  received  are  contributions  from 


The  AP.HCEISHOP  OF  CAKTERBI-RT 
SIR  T.  N.  BUXTON     . 
BARING,  Brothers 

HANKET,  PAKKET,  and  Co. 

WHITE'S  Club         ... 

LORD  DILLON     . 

The  Garrick  Club 

Master  of  the  Horse  . 

LORD  MACAULAY  . 

MARTIN  F.  TUPPER,  ESQ..  . 

EARL  OF  DERBT     . 

MR.  DISRAELI.  M.P. 

MR.  JOHN  O'CONNELT. 

Royal  Academy 

SIR.  C.  WOOD         .        .        .        . 

JAMBS  WILSON,  Esq.,  M.P. 

Law  Amendment  Society    . 

VEHNON  S ,  Esq.,  M.P.    . 


in  tho  name  of    Canterbury  Hall. 

Haymarket  Theatre. 

Adelphi. 

Wizard  of  the  North, 

Bosco.  &c. 
Blacking  Brigade. 
Lyceum. 

The  Garrick  Theatre 
ASTLEY'S. 
The  Printers. 
The  Paper-stainers. 
The  Sweeps. 
O  Clo' ! 
The  Dyers. 
The  Painters. 
The  Carpenters. 
The  Tilers. 
The  Tinkers. 
The  Smiths. 


Other  Contributions  will  be  duly  announced. 


O 
« 

O 


O 
tr1 


W 


I 


O 
o 


Q 

a 
> 

2 
I 


S 


OCTOIIBR  10,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


153 


We  are  astonished  that  our  Evglishwoman  has  omitted  to  lay  down  the 
rule  that  you  n  to  touch  the  notes  with  your  elbows, 

or  your  knees,  or  your  fe  r  nose,  or  your  head,  in  vain!} 

endeavouring  to  imitate  the  g\ in nasticul  performances  of  THALBEKG, 

llUBIXM'MN,  or  hlSTZ. 

i).  Young  ladies  arc  sternly  admonished  to 

"Bo  careful  ti  sit  with  an  erect  back,  a*  round -shouldered  players  arc  by  no 
rccaus  uncommon." 

"  One  apology  such  as  this-'  I  will  readily  comply  with  your  wishes,  bit'  I  must    .    ^  <'  ;lrr  ver>'  sorr.v  1 "  1"':ir  ''•      I"  ''"'  f!«  ">»'  of  your  instrument,  and 
claim  y  m  t  lie  si  >  le  ot  your  playing  it,  young  ladies,  let  everything  be.as  Square 

excuses,  whicii  .'i>f  Indies  are  always  well  sujiplici  with.''  as  possible. 

The  advice  is  good,  and  we  admire  the  quiet  slap  in  the  face  that  is        "'  SOITJr  V  livc  llpxt,  do"r,to  t!li  'IM- 

admiuistercd  to  •:  ladies;"  but  we  are  not  .  wmaa,  for  she  informs  us  .  ,,irs." 

whether  1 1,  |y,  wlio,  upon  being  led  up  to  the  Merciful  j  eighbour  like  that  inn 


"LITTLE  GIE1S,   COME  OFT  TO  PLAY." 

"Til.  >  play  'e  the  thing." 

WE  extract  the  following  Hints  from  a  newspaper,  called  The 
Englishwoman's  Review  : 

1.  When  asked  to  play,  you  must  comply  at  once;  for,  says  this 
rare  specimen  of  an  F.H  » .- — 


to  say :  "  1  will  readily  comply  with  your  wishes,  lm<  1  -  your 

exlremest  indulgence,"  would  not  be  rather  open  to  the  r 
tion  herself.     \\  id  that  some  satirical  Miss  would  call  her 

"pretentious,"  and  report  her  to  her  giggling  young  friends  as  "  an 
affected  upstart  of  a  blue-stocking,  that  had  just  niaile  her  escape 
from  some  Minerva  Hall  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Turnham  Green." 

2.  The  second  piece  of  advice  is : — 
"If  you  sing,  do  so  without  grimaces." 

Our  Englishwoman  informs  us  that  this  is  not  so"  easy  as,  at  the  first 
blush  of  the  thing,  it  would  appear ;  for — 

"  Many  i.f  nur  treatest.  or  at  any  rate,  most  popular  singers,  pull  shocking  faces 
while  chiirtniiig  the  spull-bound  audiences  with  their  silvery  tones." 

It  is  a  pity  that  the  names  of  these  popular  singers  have  not  been 
mentioned.     IVihaps,  it  is  Mil.  COWELL,   or  MR.  Ross,  or  Mi 
WRIGHT  aud   BEDFORD,  when  those  two  comic  twins  (those  local 
'A8«A£o!)  are  singing  together  in  a  burlesque  ? 

3.  To  guard  against  these  grimaces,  young  ladies,  you  are  recom- 
mended to — 

"  Put  a  locking-glass  befora  you.  when  you  are  ringing  at  home,  and  you  will 
scarce  credit  that  that  smiling  dimplei  face  could  ever  have  looked  so  crabbed." 

We  do  not  disapprove  of  this  holding  the  mirror  up  to  nature,  if  (lie 
play  of  the  features  is  improved  by  it ;  though,  on  reflection,  we  think 
a  young  GASSIEK,  who  was  intent  upon  watching  her  beautiful  i 
in  the  glass  before  her,  would,  as  she  was  warbling  "Portrait  Char- 
mnnt,"  be  apt  to  pay  more  attention  to  the  expression  of  the  mouth 
than  to  the  expression  of  the  music  or  the  words. 

4.  Here  is  an  invaluable  bit  of  advice  -.— 

"  Enunciate  as  you  would  in  speaking,  being  careful  to  pout  out  the  lips  for  o's  and 
oo's,  tu  have  a  mouth  in  a  smihiig  position  for  uAV,  aud  teeth  properly  closed  for 
e's  and  all  such  closed  tunes." 


is  said,  in  the  above  instructions,  about  the  management  of 
the  nose.  The  fair  pupil  is  left  completely  in  the  dark  as  to  whether 
she  is  to  compress  or  dilate  her  nostrils,  or,  in  fact,  what  she  is  to  do 
with  them.  Yet  the  practice  of  singing  through  the  nose  is  by  no 
means  uncommon  in  society.  We  notice.  :ilso,  that  the  /"s  are  left  out 
in  the  above  list  of  vowels,  and  likewise  that  no  recognition  has  been 
taken  of  u.  Why  should  u  and  i  be  invidiously  slighted,  we  should 
like  to  know? 

5.  We  are  somewhat  startled  out  of  our  propriety  by  the  subjoined  — 

"  Do  not  breathe  audibly,  nor  imitnte  the  duck  in  the  storm,  by  turning  up  the 
white  of  your  eyes." 

This  strikes  us  as  strange  language  to  be  addressed  to  ladies  in  a 

newspaper. 

6.  However  i.:  thoroughly  with  the  good  sense  displayed  in 

the  following  hint : — 

"  If  you  have  the  slightest  cold,  cease  your  daily  pr;> 

7.  But  we  are  doomed  to  be  shocked  again  the  very  next  minute  by 
such  a  startling  suggestion  as — 

"  If  you  wish  to  rid  yourself  of  a  hoarseness,  take  a  little  rum  with  tho  drippings 
from  bacou  in  it  (infallible),  and  fr'/'/i  ,•.,-,/  little." 

The  rum  and  the  bacon  are  too  much  for  us.  We  feel  inclined  to  call 
out  with  G;:<IHGE  THE  FOURTH  for  "  HARRIS,  a  glass  of  brandy!"  only 
our  servant's  name  happens  to  be  OxHB,  and  not  HARRIS.     Stil, 
shock  to  our  nervous  system  has  been  so  great,  that,  though  we  are 
talking  to  young  ladies,  we  must  have  the  brandy.    "Here,  Ox KR, 
two  glasses  of  brandy!"     As   for  the  precept   about  "talking 
little,"  we  should  think  it  belonged  to  that  class  of  things  that  are  re'- 
puted  to  be'  much  "more  easily  said  than  done." 

We  have  reached  the  climax  of  absurdity.  After  the  rum  and  bacon, 
all  the  oilier  elaborate  instructions  to  young  ladies  only  taste  insipid. 
However,  we  subjoin  a  few  curiosities,  by  way  of  bonbons  after  the 
dessert. 

8.  When  you  are  playing,  you  must 

"  Sit  (rnwefnlly,  but  n"t  stiffly  :  sufficiently  hi^h  to  allow  yonr  fore-arm  to  incline 
downwards  from  the  elbow  to  the  keys.  Keep  your  hands  in  a  rounded  position 
from  tho  wrist,  and  never  let  your  thumb  fall  below  the  key-board." 


. 

new  lath-iiid-plaiter  house  with  ion-,!    T<- 

however,  she  is  more  merciful,  f<  i  ate  enough  to  say : — 

"  Three  or  four  hour*  most  masters  advise  as  tho  daily  amount  of  work  at  toe 
piano  :  but  I  find  it  UK  _<i  Nature  tells  me  to  stop." 

We  should  think  four  hours  more  than  ample.    At  all  eve 
should  not  like  to  be  condemned  to  live  under  the  same  roof  as  the 
young  lady  who  practised  four  hours  arday.     We  would  as  soon  think 
of  taking  lodgings  over  DISTIN'S  shop.    If  "all  work  and  no  play 
makes  JACK  a  dull  boy,"  we  are  confident  that  all  play  (at  the  i/ 
forte)  and  no  \\uik  (at  anything  else)  would  succeed  in  making  ,' 
a  remarkably  stupid  girl.     How  many  a  sensible  girl  has  coniii!jU-l\ 
lost  her  head  at  The  BaUls  of  Prague! 


THE  ALDERMANIC  SQUABBLE. 

SAYS  Crockery  to  Tallow 
"  You're  an  impident  fallow," 

Says  Tallow  to  Crockery, 
"  1  won't  stand  your  mockery." 

Says  Punch;  "  Both  on  wrong" keys, 
Shut  up,  you.two  Donkeys." 


OURSELF  IN  A  EAGE. 

WrE  can't  stand  this,  and  if  the  EMTEHOR  NAPOLEON  can,  we  shall 
take  up  the  quarrel  on  our  own  account.  AVe  mean,  (perjiaps  we  are 
in  too  great  a  rage  to  be  coherent,  but  somebody  shall  understand  us 
in  time,  we  engage)  we  mean  the  behaviour  of  MAHIA  of  Petersburg 
to  our  beloved  EOGKNIE  of  Paris.  It  is  proper  that  the  matter 
should  be  understood.  Old  NICHOLAS  of  Russia,  now  abated,  made  a 
point  of  insulting  Louis  NAPOLEON,  and  refusing  to  recognise  him  as 
one  of  the  family  of  Sovereigns ;  if  that  indeed  be  an  insult,  or  aa  if 
Corsican  blood  is  not  as  good,  at  least,  as  Cossack.  But  Russia 
having  been  exceeding  well  thrashed— by  the  said  L.  N.,  with  the  aid 
oi  (I  \ .  aud  another  or  so,  the  successors  to  the  abated  NICHOLAS 
deemed  it  as  well  to  make  a  sort  of  surly  atonement  for  the  old  one's 
insolence.  First,  Grand  Duke  CONSTANTINE  was  sent  to  Paris,  and 
though  he  is  a  coarse  kind  of  Cub.  whose  rudeness  to  all  whom  he 
dared  to  annoy  disgusted  the  French  Court  and  People,  still  NICK'S 
son  had  made  the  first  call  on  Louis  NAPOLEON.  Then,  a  meeting 
of  the  Emperors  was  arranged,  and  ALEXANDER  was  to  come  to 
Darmstadt,  and  take  home  his  wife,  MARIA,  who  had  been  tttrniir 
with  her  friends,  and  was  too  unwell,  she  said,  to  come  to  Stuttgart.  ' 

lor,  it  had  been  settled  that  the  EMPRESS  EUGENIE  should  come  to 
Stuttgardt  with  her  husband,  and  this  being  understood,  MARH  inti- 
mated that,  she  should  not  come.  She  did  not  want  to  meet  the 
9.  Against  this  we  have  nothing  to  say— she  knew  how  the 
beautiful  Spanish  lady  would  eclipse  her,  both  in  "looks  and  fascination 
and  every  woman  has  a  right  to  protect  herself.  The  husbands  meet 
at  Stuttgardt,  but  EUGENIE  does  not  go.  As  soon  as  MARIA  finds  this 
out,  she  unexpectedly  comes  over,  bolts  into  the  Congress,  and  makes 
herself  exceeding  busy.  Her  excuse  is,  acowding  to  the  Times,  that 
.  mill  is  such  a  muff  that  the  sagacious  L.  N.  would  have  turned 
him  round  his  finger  but  for  his  wife  ;  aud  this  is  very  likely  true  •  but 
she  knew  his  folly  before,  and  could  have  arranged  accordingly.  '  The 
fact  is,  that  she  wanted  to  insult  the  EMPRESS  EUGESIB,  who,  happily  for 
herself,  is  not  of  Royal  blood,  and  she  has  done  it  like  an  ill-bred  female 
Cossack.  We  own  to  being  in  a  rage,  and  to  using  strong  language 
for  EUGENIE  is  a  great  pet  of  ours  (we  have  shown  it  in  many  beauiifui 
pictures  and  otherwise),  and  the  man  or  woman  who  insults  her  insults 
us.  We  are  only  waiting  to  know  what  Louis  NAPOLEON  means  to 
do ;  because  if  he  exacts  no  reparation,  we  shall  ourself  declare  war 
upon  the  Court  of  Russia.  The  man  who  would  refuse  to  stretch  forth 
his  hand  when  a  lovely  Empress  is  insulted,  is  unworthy  of  the 
name  of 


154 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVAlil. 


[OCTOBER  10,  1857. 


WHO'S    TO    BLAME  P 

OK   PASSAGES  FROM  TUB  LltE  OF  A   LOCOMOTIVE. 

THERE  was  once  upon  a  time  an  old  locomotive. 

She  had  been  a  first-rate  piece  of  engine-building  in  her  da}  Old 
1  GEORGE  BraramOT.  when  he  turned  her  out  oj  his  yard  at  Sew- 
'  castle-it  was  before  they  brought  out  that  long-bodied,  herring-gutted 
racing  style  of  locomotive  that  now  flashes  its  express-train  along  at 
,iles  an  hour,  and  occasionally  jumps  down  an  embankment,  or 
viaduct,  it's  so  light  and  lively-Old  GEORGE  clapped  her  on 
the  breech  of  her  round;  cobby  boiler,  with  his  own  honest  hand  as 
the  mechanics  ran  her  down,  and  cried :  "  Thou  s  a  bonny  thing  ;  that 
thou  is  !  "  And  on  the  spot  he  christened  her  Ihe  tilazer. 

Old  GEORGE  had  an  eye  for  a  locomotive. 

The  Bla:er  was  a  bonny  thins. 

Tor  vears  she  did  her  work  on  the  Stockton  and  Darlington  line,— 
that  modest  mother,  from  whose  iron  loins  has  sprung  the  whole  giant 
race  of  railway-lines  in  the  Old  World  and  the  Aew.  It  was  honest, 
regular  steady  work  on  that  line.  Like  its  Quaker  Directors,  the  com- 
pany was  never  in  a  hurry  either  to  do  its  journeys,  or  to  raise  its 
dividends  It  began  with  a  cool  fifteen  miles  an  hour  and  a  comfort- 
able  ten  per  cent.  The  fifteen  miles  have  doubled ;  but  the  ten  per 
cent,  dividend  remains  as  it  was.  On  a  less  Quakerish  me,  they  would 
have  quadrupled  the  pace,  and  brought  the  dividend  down  to  one  per 
cent  by  this  time.  U'cll,  The  Blazer  worked  between  dull  Dar- 
lington and  ship-yardy  Stockton,  for  many  a  year,  till  the  gloss  was 
worn  off  her  paint,  and  her  iron  and  brass-work  began  to  look  weather- 
beaten.  Hut,  her  boiler  was  made  of  right  good  stuff  1  laws  were 
rare  in  Old  GEORGE'S  plates ;  and  his  rivets  were  good. holding  ones, 
and  well  clenched.  Whatever  part  of  The  Blazer,  might  want  the 
doctor,  her  boiler  was  all  sound.  So  she  puffed,  and  panted,  and 
wheezed,  and  snorted,  and  ran  her  quiet,  happy  youtli  out,  on  that 
primitive  line,  till  railways  had  grown,  and  stretched  their  iron  arms 
over  the  whole  island.  One  day  The  Blazer,  now  a  steady,  middle- 
aged  locomotive,  was  transferred,  with  some  other  part  of  the  rolling 
stock  which  the  makers  could  spare,  and  had  a  customer  for  (on  highly 
remunerative  terms),  to  one  of  the  dashing,  new  Midland  lines,  got  up 
on  the  Hudson  high-pressure  system  of,  "  a  short  life  and  a  merry 

They  took  it  out  of  their  servants  and  stock,  the  better  to  take  in 
the  public.  Every  pointsman,  and  signal-man,  and  station-master, 
had  three  men's  business  to  attend  to,  and  every  locomotive  had  to 
work  double  tides,  on  half  allowances  of  care,  oil,  and  overhauling. 
"  Making  things  pleasant"  was  the  motto  of  this  Company,  and  every- 
thing—the comfort  of  servants,  the  interest  of  shareholders,  the  safety 
of  passengers— was  risked  recklessly  for  the  purpose  of  swelling  divi- 
dends till  they  couldn't  be  swelled  any  more,  and  collapsed  under  the 
crushing  hands  of  hard  fact.  The  poor  old  Blazer  suffered  with  the 
rest.  Many  and  many  a  journey  aid  the  shaky  old  creature  make, 
when  she  ought  to  have  been  in  hospital  at  the  repairing-house.  Many 
a  journey  did  she  get  through  with  the  pleasant  conviction  that  her 
water-gauge  was  out  of  order,  and  her  safety-valve  useless.  But  work 
she  must,  and  the  lower  the  bill  her  engineer  had  to  show  for  repairs 
at  the  year's  end  the  better  for  him.  Her  boiler-plates  were  getting 
remarkably  thin  now — oxidisation  and  deposits  had  done  their  work  ; 
and  here  and  there  a  rivet  was  getting  shaky.  But  there  was  no  time 
for  overhauling  her ;  and  a  pew  boiler  would  have  figured  as  a  heavy 
item  under  the  head  "repairs  of  rolling  stock;"  so  on  the  Blazer 
went,  scaled  plates,  shaky  rivets  and  all.  At  last  it  came.  One  fatal 

n-ney  the  poor  old  thing  had  to  take  a  heavier  turn  of  duty  than 
ever  been  laid  on  her  before.  It  was  on  an  express  train,  started 
to  race  the  express  of  a  rival  line.  By  overworking  every  inch  of 
man,  and  every  ounce  of  metal,  it  was  just  possible  to  shorten  the 
journey  by  a  quarter  of  an  hour.  So  the  quarter  of  an  hour  was  to 
be  saved,  of  course,  and  when  one  of  the  Directors — a  new-comer — 
hinted  at  danger,  he  was  most  caustically  reprimanded  by  the  Chair- 
man, and  contemptuously  put  down  by  the  Board. 

Off  went  the  lightning  express  at  the  heels  of  the  old  Blazer, 
working  at  nobody  knows  how  many  pounds  pressure  to  the  square  inch. 
As  might  have  been  expected,  "smash"  went  one  of  her  worn-out 
boiler-plates.  The  nearest  carriage-,  slacked  their  speed,  the  middle 
Ones  were  jammed  up  into  the  air  by  those  behind  them  ;  three  com- 
partments went,  over  (lie  embankment :  a  score  of  people  were  killed, 
some  hundreds  maimed— the  reporters  were  busy — inquests  were  held 
— and  verdicts  were  returned, 

Against  whom  ? 

Against  the  Blazer,  or  against  the  Directors,  who  allowed  that 
worn-out  locomotive  to  be  used  ''. 

What  says  (.'(i.MMcjx  SKXSK 'r 

Surely  t  lie  poor  old  Mazer  was  not  to  blame.  She  had  done  her  work 
well  while  she  could,  and  had  lasted  longer  than  ninety-nine  locomo- 
tives out  of  a  hundred.  But  first,  the  man  whose  business  it  was  to 
see  that  engine  kept  in  proper  order— i.e.,  the  engineer— had  neglected 
Ins  business. 


And,  secondly,  the  man  whose  business  it  was  to  see  that  the  man 
whose  business'it  was  to  see  that  engine  kept  in  proper  order  did  his 
business— i.  e.,  the  superintendent  of  rolling  stock— had  neglected  his 
business. 

And,  thirdly,  the  man  whose  business  it  was  to  see  that  the  man 
whose  business  it  was  to  see  that  the  man  whose  business  it  was,  &e., 
&c.,  &c.,— «'.  e.,  the  Directors— had  neglected  their  business. 

In  short,  everyone  was  to  blame  but  the  Mazer.  She  broke  down  in, 
obedience  to  the  laws  of  nature. 

Well,  will  it  be  believed  that  the  Directors,  in  solemn  conclave  had 
the  impudence  to  propose  trying  the  poor  old  locomotive  ? 

*  *  *  *  » 

There's  another  Company— ou  a  much  larger  scale,  which  has  met 
with  a  similar  catastrophe.  An  old  locomotive,  called  the  GENERAL 
LLOYD,  part  of  the  stock  of  the  East  India  Company,  has  lately  broken 
down  near  the  Dinapore  Station,  at  a  most  critical  moment  for  the 
safety  of  every  passenger  in  charge  of  the  Company. 

There  has  been  an  awful  smash ;  and— 

The  Directors  talk  of  trying  the  poor,  old  locomotive— which  it  was 

»    ,  11  *i        i     i  *  ___  j  i_:_u    :f  *l 1 1 


the  British  public  has  a  right  to  ask 

"Wiro's  TO  BLAME?" 


PITY  FOR  THE   POOK   SEPOYS! 

"MR.  PUNCH, 

"  '  SPAKE  while  you  strike."  '  Blend  mercy  with  justice."  1 
wish,  Sir,  you  would  tell  the  twaddlers,  who  keep  bleating  these  copy- 
book moralities,  to  hold  their  tongues.  '  Hang  not  at  all,"  is  a  doctrine  I 
can  understand ;  but,  if  you  are  to  hang  at  all,  hang  every  Sepoy  you 
can  catch.  And  let  us  have  no  more  idle  deprecation  of  the  public 
cry  for  vengeance.  Do  not  hang,  if  you  object  to  death  punishment ; 
but,  anyhow,  don't  hang  and  cant.  Let  us  not  talk  of  mercy  and  for- 
giveness towards  a  criminal  while  we  throttle  him.  Execution  is 
vengeance,  whatever  we  may  call  it.  Chapter  and  verse  are  quoted 
against  revenge.  But  chapter  and  verse,  must  be  construed  reasonably. 
Chapter  and  verse,  if  understood  literally,  would  oblige  us  to  send  out 
pale  ale  and  preserved  meat  to  our  enemies,  the  Indian  mutineers. 
Chapter  and  verse  are  to  be  read,  not  only  with  grammar  in  view,  but 
also  with  rhetoric.  Hyperbole  is  one  of  the  figures  for  which  allow- 
ance must  be  made  in  reading  chapter  and  verse.  Private  and  personal 
revenge  are  doubtless  forbidden  by  chapter  and  verse,  and  individuals 
are  counselled  to  disarm  attack  by  concession.  But  the  public  is  not 
required  to  put  up  with  outrages  upon  human  nature;  and  doubtless 
the  burning  indignation  which  such  crimes  excite  arises  from  a  senti- 
ment implanted  in  man,  on  purpose  to  secure  the  punishment  of  atro- 
cious criminals.  Let  us,  Sir,  in  this,  as  in  all  other  affairs,  regard 

"  THINGS  RATHEB.  THAN  WORDS. 

"P.S.— Poor  NENA  SAHIB!  If  he  should  be  captured,  and  our 
vengeful  authorities  cannot  be  prevailed  on  to  spare  him,  might  he  not 
be  allowed  to  expiate  his  little  offences  against  English  women  and 
children — under  the  influence  of  chloroform  !" 


OCTOBER  10,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   Oil   T1II2   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


155 


SACRIFICES    TOO    ALARMING. 

nm.NG   from    Bond- 
stieet,      a    dashing 
haberdasher, 
"nature 

of  II.  (J.  \V.,  states 
certain  obvious  rea- 
sons why  youngmen- 
milliuera  are  not 
iniite  so  ready  to  en- 
list  for  private  sol- 
diers as  they  are 
expected  to  be.  The 
sum  of  his  i 
uication  is,  that  if 
you  are  to  get  parties 
into  the  Army  from 
behind  the  counter, 
jou  must  render  the 
iiange  worth  their 

while.    Ilalf-a-crown  a-day,  and,  on  passing  a  sufficient,  but  not  too  strict,  exami- 
M,  a  commission  guaranteed  to  the  survivors,  in  a  new  Native  Regiment,  arc 

his  terms,  which  are  certainly  reasonable  ;  and,  if  these  are  granted,  he  says,  with 

characteristic  spirit  and  in  language  to  mutch : — 

"  I  am  certain  that  in  a  few  weeks,  from  the  London  drapers  alone,  a  battalion  of  young  men 
eager  to  avenge  thu  atrucit-cs  of  NKNA  SAIMU  AND  o.  might  be  raised,  to  be  called  the  i'iret 
uutoer  Guardw,  or  th-j  li'.-yal  Count<  i j',. 


BLACK   STKAP  BERRIES. 

A  CERTAIN-  Inn  of  late,  by  chance, 

I,  in  a  ramble,  passed  : 
\  I  lum,  at  the  portal  steps,  a  glance 

Upon  a  man  1  cast. 
\  tucket  which,  upon  his  crown, 

This  individual  I 
lie  took  therefrom,  and  set  it  down 

At  that  sam:;  Tavern-door. 

This  basket  being  full  of  fruit, 

Did  my  attention  seixe; 
'Twas  crammed  with  berries  black  as  soot, 
_ln  one  word,  blackberries. 
Now,  to  that  Tavern  if  I  go, 

And  happen  there  to  dine, 
There's  one  thing  I  won't  do,  I  know : 

I'll  call  for  no  Port  wine. 


To  ask  a  young  man  to  throw  up  a  salary  from  five  to  twenty  times  as  much  as  the 
pay  of  a  soldier,  in  order  to  em'.>ia<:^  a  soldier's  life,  with  all  its  hardships  and 
dangers,  and  its  poor  look-out  in  the  event  of  not  being  cut  short ;  whereas,  by 
sticking  to  the  shop  he  might  in  time  become  a  Lord  Mayor  or  a  Member  of 
Parliament,  is  to  call  upon  him  to  make  a  tremendous  sacrifice  not  to  be  expected 
even  of  a  liuendraper.  "  Allow  me  to  tempt  you,"  is  a  phrase  which  the  Recruiting 
Sergeant  ought  to  be  enabled  to  address  to  the  linendraper's  assistant  with  some 
prospectol  the  temptation  is  permitted.  Superior  articles— of  agreement 

— the  tempter  should  have  to  exhibit,  and  not  such  as  any  respectable  young  man 
of  decent  intelligence  and  education  would  pronounc;;  to  be  decidedly  interior. 
Otherwise  the  answers  which  the  Sergeant  will  generally  get  from  behind  the 
counter  will  be:  "We  couldn't  do  it,  really,"  and  "No,  Sir;  not  at  this 
establishment." 


NTLEMEN  IN  SEARCH  OF  EXCITEMENT. 

WE  have  seldom  secn'an  advertisement  that  held  9ut 
livelier  prospects  to  the  person  who  may  succeed  in  gaining 
the  post  it  oilers  than  this : — 

\SCHOOLMASTKR,  possessed  of  a  missionary  spirit,  is 
lllKli  fur  a  1'rntwttant  mixed  ragged  school,  established 
lly  tor  the  children  o  The  requirement  is 

:'is,  with  a  possibility  of  permanency.     Address,  with 
ivflrunces  to  the  Committee. 

The  "possibility  of  permanency,"  we  should  suppose, 
will  very  much  depend  on  whether  the  schoolmaster  doe.-> 
or  does  not  get  his  head  broken  in  the  first  three  mouths' 
exercise  of  his  "  missionary  spirit." 

One  can  imagine  the  scene  in  the  neighbourhood  of  this 
l'i  'iii 'slant  ragged  school  intended  for  Roman  Catholic 
children! 

We  beg  strongly  to  recommend  the  situation  to  the 
REV.  HUGH  HANNA. 


AN   ART  TREASURE. 
"MB.  PUNCH, 

"  I  AM  one  of  that  interesting  class  of  men,  well  born,  what 
is  called  well-educated,  well-dressed,  good-looking,  with  a  hatred  of 
everything  low — including  work  —  who  find  it  so  hard  to  meet 
with  a  place  in  the  world  at  once  suited  to  their  obvious  claims,  their 
tastes  and  their  capacities.  The  time  has  been  when  I  should  have 
been  easily  and  comfortably  provided  for  in  a  Government  situation. 
But  the  low  and  levelling  spirit  of  middle-class  agitation  has  reached 
even  the  administrative  circles,  and  my  way  to  a  clerkship  in  the 
Red  Tape  and  Sealiug-~\\  men),  in  which  my  family  held 

lucrative  and  dignified  situations  for  many  generations,  is  barred 
against  me  by  those  offensive  Civil  Service  examiners,  to  whose 
vulgar  pretensions,  I,  for  one,  am  determined  never  to  submit 
myself.  In  the  good  old  times  the  Army  might  have  offered  me 
a  resource.  But  Commissions  without,  purchase  are  now  given 
to  Ollicers'  children,  forsooth, — won  by  competitive  examination, 
I  dare  say,  or  reached  by  some  such  pedantic  road — and  I  don't 
mean  to  give  any  Board  the  pleasure  of  prying  into  my  style  and 
spelling.* 

"  Even  for  diplomatic  appointments,  they  are  now  beginning  to  insist 
on  a  knowledge  of  foreign  languages,  and  I  dare  say  there's  an 
examination,  or  some  similar  annoyance,  to  be  faced  even  for  an 
ship.  But  1  have  not  tried  my  chance  in  that  quarter, 
as  our  connection  is  at  present  in  opposition.  At  all  events,  here 
I  am,  at  twenty-seven,  with  my  birth,  breeding,  and  accomplish- 
ments, literally  not  knowing  where  to  turn  for  a  sovereign!  There's 
the  diggings— but  am  I  to  go  and  associate  with  a  set  of  navvies  r 
There's  the  bush;  cattle-hunting  seems  good  fun  enough— but  only 
imagine  smearing  sheep  against  the  scab,  with  the  thermometer 
at  85°,  and  eating  kangaroo  steamed,  and  parakeet-pie,  made  by  a 
black  woman.  Volunteering  for  India's  ont  of  the  question,  the 
Company's  service  is  not  the  thing,  and  the  heat  would  be  too  great 
a  bore. 

"  Thus  bnrred  from  all  avenues,  I  will  not  say  to  fortune  or  dis- 
tinction—perhaps I  have   no  right   to  expect  these— but  even  to 


comfort  and  independence,  yon  may  conceive  with  what  delight  my 
eye  fell  the  other  day  on  this  advertisement : — 


*  ffott  ty  filiti>r.—\?o  have  corrected  the  orthography  and  punctuation  of  our  ! 
distinguished  correspondent. 


eve  ry  two  hours'  sitting. 

"  I  hasten  to  communicate   the   announcement  to  your  widely 
circulated  pages,  in  the  hope  it  may  meet  the  eye  of  young  men,  like 
myself,  ornamental,   but  denied  the  means    of    usefulness    by    the 
iniquitous  arrangement  of  Society.    Two  shillings  an  hour  is  t  • 
i  shillings  a-day  for  six  hours'  work — nay,  six  hours'  sitting— which  ca.ii- 
|  not  be  very  fatiguing.    A  man  can  live  on  that  with  strict  economy, 
and  a  judicious  use  of  the  advantages  of  his  club ;  particularly  if  he 
i  has  a  gentlemanlike  knowledge  of  billiards,  and  can  hold  his  aoes  at 
whist. 

"  1  am  this  moment  starting  for  J —  Place.  I  haven't  the  remotest 
idea  where  it  is.  I'm  afraid  it  is  not  the  part  of  Town  in  which  one 
would  like  to  earn  a  living ;  but  I  have  no  right  to  be  nice. —Trusting 
that  this  letter  will  be  the  means  of  opening  up  to  others  that  avenue 
to  employment  for  '  gentlemanly-looking  young  men,'  who  can  com- 
mand '  a  fashionable  oall-dress,'  of  which  1  am  about  to  avail  myself. 
I  remain,  Mr.  Punch,  Youis  Faithfully, 

"  PEKCT  VERJTON  MONTGOMERY  L  VZY-TONGUE." 

"  P.S. :  I  reopen  my  letter  !  Oh  gracious  goodness !  what  hove  I  gone 
through  !  I  paid  my  last  available  five  shillings  to  have  the  wretches 
photographed.  There  they  are !  (at  page  150). 

"These  are  the  'gentlemanly-looking  young  men!'  These  arc  the 
'fashionable  ball-dresses!'  He  wants  into  stand  for  Stereo- 
scopic slides,  of  'Scenes  from  Life;  the  Upper  Circles'  at  the 
Snob  calls  it.  He  actually  told  me  that  I  was  '  too  quiet.'  — That  my 
st  \  h;  of  dress  wasn't  '  spicy  enough ; '  and  asked  if  i  hadn't  such  a 
thing  as  a  coat  with  a  silk  lining  to  the  lapelles,  and  a  worked  dicky  ! 
1  suppose  1  shall  have  to  carry  a  board  about  the  streets,— but  I 
wouldn't  earn  my  bread  among  such  a  set  of  snobs,  if  it  was  to  be 
twice  as  thickly  buttered ! 

"  I  send  my  letter,  with  this  postscript.  The  bane  and  f'tt-  au'iiiofe. — 
Oblige  me  by  inserting  the  picture,  as  a  warning  to  persons  situated 
like  myself." 


156 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  10,  1857. 


A  SONG  FOR  THE  SHOP. 

AIR — "  The  M'nistrd  Boy." 

THE  draper's  man  to  the  war  is  gone, 

In  the  foremost  ranks  you  '11  find  him  ; 
His  knapsack  he  has  buckled  on, 

His  tape-yard  left  behind  him. 
"  Hands  so  strong,"  cried  the  warrior,  fired, 

"  No  woman's  work  were  made  for : 
Such  sinew  now  for  war 's  required, 

And  more — will  be  well  paid  for ! " 

The  shopman  fell ! — but  his  fame  survived, 

With  heroes  now  recorded- 
He  served  his  country  while  lie  lived, 

He  died  not  unrewarded. 
"  Go,  tell  my  shopmates,"  he  exclaimed, 

"  To  leave  their  silks  and  tapery  ; 
In  England 's  need  brave  hearts  are  claimed, 

And  souls  above  all  drapery ! " 


MINUTE  DOSES. 

SOME  advertising  grocers  of  Leicester  advertise  "  Tooth- 
ache cured  in  One  Minute."  After  this  comes  a  a 
announcement  of  "  Cough  Cured  in  One  Minute ! "  and 
this  again  is  followed  up  by  the  statement  of  "  A  Broken 
Vase  made  whole  in  One  Minute."  The  above  specifics 
only  teach  us  what  a  deal  may  be  achieved  in  so  small  a 
space  of  time  as  sixty  seconds !  We  wonder  these  puffing 
tea-dealers,  who  seem  to  sell  everything,  from  bacon  to 
blisters,  do  not  prolong  the  list  of  their  boasted  cures. 
Why  do  they  not  advertise,  "  Bacon  Cured  in  One  Minute," 
"A  Man's  Bad  Temper  Cured  in  One  Minute,"  or  "A 
Woman's  Broken  Heart  made  whole  in  One  Minute  ?  "  It 
would  not  be  a  bad  experiment  to  send  La  Travic.ta  to 
Leicester,  to  see  whether  her  cough  could  be  cured  in  the 
time  specified,  and  whether  her  broken  frame  could  be 
repaired  as  expeditiously  as  a  broken  vase. 


THE    TREMENDOUS    SACRIFICE. 

Lard  Pan.  "AND  JUST  AS  THEY  WERE  COMING  ox  so  BEAUTIFULLY,  TOO  !J 


THE  WHITER  OUGHT  TO  BE  PIKED.— The  idle  man 
promises,  the  active  man  performs.  In  so  far  as  they  give 
evidence  of  inactivity,  Promises  are  like  Pike  Rust. 


BAGMEN  FOE  THE  BATTLE-FIELD. 

WHY  should  not  women  serve  women  in  drapers'-shops  ?  To  suppose 
that  there  is  no  reason  why  they  should  not  is  a  very  great  mistake. 
Mark  what  girls  invariably  do  when  they  pass  one  another  in  the 
street.  Observe  their  eyes.  Askance,  instantly  glance  those  of  each 
to  scan  the  dress  of  the  other.  This  ocular  movement  is  almost  in- 
voluntary. The  expression  which  attends  it  may  be  that  of  contempt 
or  vexation,  but  is  never  that  of  admiration— never  that  with  which  the 
reflection  of  a  dress  is  viewed  in  the  looking-glass.  The  feeling  which 
betrays  itself  in  this  look  unfits  a  girl  behind  the  counter  to  show  off 
drapery  to  one  before  it.  It  causes  her  to  perform  the  task  in  a  per- 
functory manner;  she  cannot  do  it  cordially  :  goes  through  it  witli  a 
rather  repulsive  coldness.  She  cannot,  as  an  imaginative  shopman 
can  make  rapturous  eyes  at  the  article,  as  viewed  in  fancy  on  the  person 

t  the  fur  customer.  Moreover,  she  is  unable  to  praise  and  recommend 
it  heartily ;  nor  can  she  assist  in  a  choice  between  different  goods  •  for 
ladies,  as  every  man  knows  who  has  ever  gone  shopping  with  them, 
even  m  choosing  patterns  for  themselves,  find  much  more  difficulty  than 
they  have  in  deciding  between  rival  suitors.  Besides,  they  generally 
preter  the  masculine  opinion  as  to  what  most  becomes  them,  to  that  of 
their  own  sex. 

No:  but  there  is  a  department  in  the  drapery  line,  and  other  lines 
n  men  might  very  well  be  replaced  by  women— that  of  Commercial 

raveller    In  this,  girls  would  have  to  do  not  with  other  girls  but  with 

qen ;  and  their  winning  ways  in  regard  to  mankind  might/thus  be  exer- 
cised Id  advantage.  AT.L,or  Travelling  Lady,  would  be  worth  a  dozen 
a  s,  or  I  rave  hng Gents,  toany  house  that  would  commission  her  to  pro- 
cure orders.  The  only  objection  to  the  substitution  of  bagwomen  for  bwr- 
nier,  that  can  be  imagined  is  that  which  might  be  made  bv  innkeepers- 
:  Travelling  Gents  were  superseded  by  Travelling  Ladies,  the  com- 

lercial-room  would  not  pay  so  well  as  it  does:  since  few,  if  any  ci-nrs 
would  be  smoked  in  it,  and  much  more  tea  would  be  drunk  Than 
brandy-and-watcr.  The  female  travellers  could  easily  learn  to  ride 

• 


f  rlnted  by 

Printers,  i 

London. — 


EAMPANT  EIBBONISM. 

THE  appeal  of  the  Times  to  the  Ribbonmen  of  England,  that  they 
should  for  once  not  mind  their  business,  and  should  turn  their  hant-fe 
to  serve  the  country  rather  than  the  counter,  has  elicited  a  glow  i,( 
anything  but  patriotism,  and  more  fire  of  indignation  than  of  martial 
spirit. 

We  grant  it  is  the  tendency  of  feminine  pursuits  in  some  measure  to 
unsex  the  masculine  pursuer :  but  it  is  a  libel  on  our  countrywomen  to 
say  the  want  of  pluck  the  drapers  have  exhibited  is  in  any  way  feminine, 
although  it  be  unmanly.  There  are  few  women  just  now  who  havi- 
wished  that  they  were  men,  that  they  might  act  as  the  avengers  of  their 
outraged  sisterhood.  But  the  "  respectable  young  men  "  who  have  been 
writing  to  the  papers  are  clearly  uninfectea  by  such  vulgar  spirit.  A.s 
business-men  they  take  a  mere  commercial  view  of  matters,  and  regard 
enlistment  only  as  a  trading  speculation,  from  which  they  are  deterred 
by  their  doubts  if  it  will  pay  them. 

But  we  have  more  than  half,  indeed  we  have  at  least  nine-tenths  of 
^suspicion,  that  the  letters  which  incline  us  to  the  foregoing  expres- 
sions, although  signed  by  the  shopmen,  have  been  written  "by  their 
masters.  It  is  said  that  drapers  would  lose  custom  by  losing  1 : 
young  men,  and  it  is  inferred  that  they  are  therefore  anxious  to  dissuade 
them  from  enlistment.  The  appeal,  then,  should  be  turned  from  the 
counter  to  the  counting-house.  Drapers  are  accustomed  to  "  Alarming 
Sacrifices,"  let  them,  if  it  prove  so,  now  prepare  to  make  one.  Let 
every  haberdashing  hero  beat  recruits  from  his  assistants,  and  put  down 
his  loss  as  a  debt  against  his  country.  But  we  dispute  the  inmpnl 
conclusion  that  he  would  thereby  be  a  loser.  At  anv  rate,  we  think  we 
can  prescribe  him  a  preventive.  If  he  fear  that  ladies  will  desert  hi* 
shop  when  only  served  by  women,  let  him  but  post  a  placard  that  his 
men  have  GONE  TO  INDIA,"  and  our  word  for  it,  his  trade  will  not  fall 
off  in  consequence. 

(  MUNIFICENCE  OP  THE  AGE  !— A  Manchester  gentleman  advertises 
tor  a  penny  paper,  the  day  after  publication,  at  half-price." 


OCTOBER  17,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


157 


A    TRIFLE    FKOM    SPITHEAD. 


was  a  good  hit  in  our 
1 1  ic ml  l)u.  CUMMING'S  Fast- 
Day  sermon,  lie  reminded 
his  hearers  that  he  had 
always  protested  against  the 
assumption  of  Titles  by  the 
Popisli  hierarchy,  and  that 
now  we  found  the  very 
priests  whom  we  had  per- 
mitted to  violate  the  law, 
gratefully  hindering  enlist- 
ment, and  preventing 
charity.  However,  we  are 
not  for  violent  measures 
with  these  foreigners.  If, 
to  be  in  keeping  with  their 
contemptible  conduct,  a 
vulgar  illustration  be  per- 
mitted, we  would  merely 
remark,  that  the  more  these 
Italian  irons  are  stuck  into 
the  ike,  the  more  inclined 
are  decent  folk,  Catholic 
and  Protestant,  to  perform 
on  the  priests  the  operation 
by  which  laundresses  as- 
certain whether  their  irons 
are  hot  enough. 


BRAHMINS  AND  BRITISH  MERCHANTS. 

MH.  GOLIGHTLY  TEAZLE,  M.A.  (Readers  are  requested  to  observe 
the  "  M.A."  with  proper  reverence)  has  returned  prematurely  to  his 
chambers  in  the  Temple,  in  consequence  of  the  complicated  aspect  of 
public  affairs.  The  very  first  morning  after  his  return  he  was  unfor- 
tunate enough  to  cut  his  distinguished  cliin  from  incautiously  medi- 
tating an  article  for  the  Saturday  Review,  while  he  was  in  the  act  of 
shaving  that  elevated  feature;  and  this  accident,  added  to  the  bile 
remaining  in  his  system  in  consequence  of  the  abridgment  of  his  conti- 
nental tour,  is  sufficient  to  account  for  bis  not  being  in  the  best  of 
tempers. 

As  he  crunches  his  dry  toast  with  a  menacing  aspect,  he  looks  over 
his  Times  in  search  of  a  likely  victim.  The  Times  itself  he  has  long 
ago  shown  to  be  the  merest  waste  paper.  He  has  broken  the  heart  of 
its  principal  correspondent,  who  is  supposed  in  consequence  to  have 
retired  into  a  monastery.  He  has  lashed  the  novelists,  he  has  slashed 
the  wits — for  he  himself  is  neither  a  wit  nor  a  novelist— and  he  has 
established  to  his  own  profound  satisfaction,  the  superiority  of  critical 
over  creative  intellect.  According  to  his  own  statement,  he  was  "  sick 
of  seeing  the  honours  of  mind  awarded  to  small  jokers  and  washy  senti- 
mentalists," and  he  has  cured  himself  of  his  sickness  by  taking  these 
honours  to  himself ;  in  virtue  of  the  presumption,  to  which,  of  course, 
we  all  assent,  that  a  gentleman  who  can  so  cleverly  disparage  works  of 
art  could  do  very  much  better  himself,  if  he  tried.  G.  T.  being  a 
Master  of  Arts,  has  taken  the  benefit  of  this  presumption,  and  has 
spared  himself  the  trial,  at  the  same  time  considerately  sparing  his 
readers;  and  now  he  is  occupied  in  condemning  the  ungraduated,  and 
in  whipping  up  the  rest  of  creation  for  his  Saturday  syllabub.  At  the 
present  moment,  it  appears  that  lie  wants  a  subject  to  operate  upon  in 
connection  with  the  Indian  Mutiny,  the  only  topic  people  are  supposed 
to  care  about  just  now ;  that  is  to  say,  he  wants  to  set  his  mark  on 
somebody  and  especially  on  somebody  who  least  anticipates  or 
deserves  it. 

A  simple  observer  would  account  for  the  smile  on  his  features  by 
the  obviousness  of  his  target,  and  would  only  suppose  him  to  be  hesi- 
tating between  the  Board  of  Control  and  the  Court  of  Directors.  But 
TEAZLE  aspires  to  a  place  in  the  Circumlocution  Office,  and  is  prepared 
to  go  through  life  On  HEB  MAJESTY'S  Service,"  which  makes  him 
particularly  tolerant  to  the  slips  of  officials,  and  anxious  to  keep 
up  what  he  designates  "  the  prestige  of  official  station."  The  TEAZLE 
and  TITE  BARNACLE  interests  are  so  allied,  that  if  any  member 
of  either  abuses  the  confidence  of  his  country,  if  he  blunders  or  breaks 
down  or  jobs  at  the  Treasury,  or  uses  his  knowledge  for  his  bargains 
on  the  Stock  Exchange,  if  he  loses  his  head  or  his  temper,  or  an  army, 
or  an  empire,  or  the  precious  lives  and  as  precious  prestige  of  his 
countrymen,  G.  T.  points  attention  in  some  other  direction  like  the 
confederate  in  a  plant  at  the  cry  of  "  Stop  Thief ! "  G.  T.  performed 
this  service  for  the  authors  of  our  Crimean  disasters,  and  G.  T.  is 
ready  to  perform  it  again,  or  as  often  as  the  TITE  BARNACLES  bring  us 
to  grief,  provided  as  how  he  can  find  a  convenient  scapegoat. 

Thus,  our  Indian  Empire  was  founded  by  our  English  merchants, 
and  its  object  was  the  increase  of  our  commerce  and  shipping.  It 


was  changed  into  a  territorial  occupation  on  the  pretext  that  the  lives 
employed  in  this  commerce  were  otherwise  endangered.  Province 
was  afterwards  added  to  province,  really  and  truly  for  this  purpose  P 
By  no  means  !  For  the  purposes  of  colonisation,  where  the  settlement 
of  Englishmen  has  been  discouraged  ?  For  revenue  —  where  the 
expenditure  exceeds  the  utmost  income  ?  For  the  conversion  of  the 
natives,  who  have  shown  with  what  effect  our  missionaries  have 
preached  and  prayed  in  this  behalf  ?  For  none  of  these  things;  but 
simply  to  substitute  a  great  feeding-ground  of  TITE  BARNACLES  for  a 
mercantile  emporium.  Our  merchants  have  been  hustled  out  of  its 
government,  and  have  now  no  voice  in  its  councils,  and,  what  is  worse, 
no  consideration  from  its  servants.  To  the  latter  they  stand  in  the 
relation  of  Pariahs  to  Brahmins  ;  ;thcy  have  been  snubbed  and 
insulted,  and  now  they  are  ruined. 

The  system  which  oppressed  them,  for  their  protection,  has  given 
way,  and  the  Indian  Government,  having  reaped  the  consequences  of 
treating  Hindoos  as  Britons,  now  tries  to  recover  itself  by  treating 
Britons  like  Hindoos.  These  gentlemen  are  indispensable,  but  they 
are  quite  ignored ;  their  advice  would  have  saved  the  catastrophe  at 
Dinapore,  but  it  was  rudely  slighted.  Their  services  were  rejected 
till  it  was  found  impossible  to  do  without  them  ;  and  their  press,  a 
most  respectable  press,  is  ignominiously  gagged.  Now,  that  their 
maltreatment  has  reached  to  this  extremity,  they  cry  out;  and  the 
cry  of  the  lamb  caught  in  the  bushes  was  not  more  welcome  to  the 
Patriarch  ABRAHAM  than  this  cry  is  to  GOLIGHTY  TEAZLE,  who  is 
professionally  on  the  look-out  for  a  scape-goat.  "Now."  exclaims 
that  bilious  subject,  making  too  free  use  of  his  butter-knife,  "  the 
Circumlocution  Office  is  saved.  VERNON  SMITH  may  go  to  bed,  and 
dream  that  he  is  a  statesman ;  the  Directors  may  go  to  Church,  and 
humiliate  themselves  for  other  people's  sins ;  and  I  may  not  only  do 
service  to  them  and  to  myself,  but  may  have  an  oligarchy  of  casual 
denizens  at  my  feet  to  kick  about  in  the  pages  of  the  Saturday 
Review  till  Parliament  meets."  To  which,  simple  Englishmen  as  we 
are,  we  reply :  "  GOLIGHTLY  TEAZLE,  Master  of  Arts,  we  have  almost 
had  enough  of  your  conceited  trifling ;  we  have  petted  your  Brahmin 
Caste  too  long,  and  Mr.  Punch  has  his  park  of  artillery  ready  to  blow 
you  into  little  pieces,  if  you  refuse  to  march  with  the  rest  of  us. 
Mutiny  is  bad  enough  abroad,  but  the  last  mutiny  we  can  tolerate  is 
treason  to  our  home  traditions.  We  like  self-government  for  English- 
men at  all  times ;  at  all  events  we  prefer  it  to  the  rule  of  Bureaucracy, 
after  the  latter  has  been  tried  and  found  wanting.  We  are  satisfied 
that  the  cakes  of  the  Indian  Brahmins  would  never  have  produced 
an  Indian  revolt,  but  for  the  cakes  sent  out  by  the  Brahmins  at  home, 
and  we  are  not  to  be  diverted  from  condemning  them  utterly,  because 
they  appear  comparatively  innocent  in  the  eyes  of  GOLIGHTLT 
TEAZLE. 


TO  A  LADY. 

BELIEVE  me,  if  all  those  voluminous  charms 

Which  thy  fondness  for  fashion  betray, 
And  keep  e'en  thy  nearest  relations  at  arm's 

Distance — some  paces  away  : 
Were  those  air-tubes  now  blown  up — exploded  outright, 

And  those  hoops  trundled  off  thee  as  well. 
With  less  ample  a  skirt  thou  would'st  look  less  a  fright, 

And  more  Belle-like  when  less  like  a  bell. 

'Tis  not  by  mere  Swells  taste  in  dressing  is  shown, 

And  that  size  is  not  beauty  'tis  clear ; 
Nay,  the  shapeliest  forms  when  balloon-like  out-blown, 

Both  distorted  and  ugly  appear. 
Then  heed  not  what  fashions  le  Follet  may  set, 

Be  enslayed  by  no  follies  like  those ; 
For  be  sure  that  your  dresses,  the  wider  they  get, 

The  more  narrow  your  mind  is  disclose. 


MORE  MAGISTERIAL  TYRANNY. 

IT  appears  that  one  of  the  legitimate  profits  of  trade,  as  carried  on  by 
the  lower  order  of  shopkeepers,  arises  from  a  pleasing  process  of  giving  to 
children,  and  others  not  likely  to  notice  the  fraud,  bad  money  in  change, 
and  when  the  cheat  is  detected,  of  appealing  to  a  notice,  stuck  up  in  a 
shop,  that  "  No  money  will  be  exchanged  after  taken  from  the  counter." 
One  of  the  police-magistrates,  who  are  always  interfering,  tyrannically 
with  commercial  ingenuitv,  has  decided  that  this  notice  is  a  piece,  of 
impudent  and  useless  trash,  and  perfectly  unavailing  against  proof  that 
bad  money  has  been  given.  What  with  persecution  of  folks  who  "  ride 
the  monkey,"  give  short  measure,  and  pass  bad  coin,  we  hardly  see 
how  British  tradesmen  can  live — at  least  in  any  style.  But  adulteration 
of  goods  is  still  left  to  them  unchecked,  and  let  us  hope  that  this 
precious  and  sacred  right  of  trade  may  be  intact  for  many  a  day.  In  a 
nation  of  shopkeepers,  shopkeeping  really  ought  not  to  be  discouraged 
by  law. 


VOL.  XXXIII. 


158 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  17,  1857. 


THE  BOTTLE  THAT  CHEERS   AND  NOT  IKEBEIATES. 

T  the  ceremony  of  laying  (lie 
foundation-stone  of  a  Me- 
chanics' Institution  at  Hud- 
dcrslield,  there  occurred  an 
incident  reported  as  fol- 
lows : — 

"The  REV.  E.  Mn.Lon,  niter 
reading  the  list  of  articles  con- 
tained in  the  bottle,  which  con- 
sisted of  thr  / 

•10  local  papers,  Ac., 
delivered  tui  appropriate  address." 

It  is  the  incident  of  the 
"bottle,"  th.'ii  amuses  us. 
It,  is  a  kind  of  "Bottle"  that 
GEOI:  -HANK  him- 

self would  put  his  approving 
i  i  pon.      GOUGH    would 
ask  KKAI.  \>»\\  to  pass  him 
such  a  Temperance  Bottle  as 
that.    We  wonder  how  the 
contents  will  taste,  when  the  , 
bottle  is  opened  some  hun- 
dred years  hence  ?  Will  the 
high  flavour  of  them  have  j 
il  in  raciness,  or  will 
;iste  Hut  to  the  critical 
palate?     Will    Time    have 
'!  strength  to  the  Times,  or  have  added  aught  to  the  rare  spirit 
•Vill  the  Mercury  be  pronounced  generous,  or  thin,  or  tart,  and  will 
praise  be  liberally  awarded  to  the  H~esle,ya>i  Times  as,  in  a  cathedral  town, 
is  generally  bestowed  on  rich  "clerical  port? "  We  hope  no  grumbling  connoisseur, 
lidiousness,  will  exclaim,  as  he  is  sipping  his  Illustrated 

News,  "Capital,  Sir,  capital ;  but  just  a  wee  trifle  cut."  However,  there  is  one 
consolation,  that,  the  more  our  lucky  successors  addict  themselves  to  a  bottle  like 
the  above,  the  better  and  wiser  meu  they  will  be  for  the  invigorating  practice. 


Even  if  it  gets  into  their  heads,  they  will  only  find  that 
they  are  better  men,  better  husbands,  better  fathers,  better 
masters,  better  subjects,  better  men  of  business,  for  it  ? 
The  man,  who  could  imbibe  three  bottles  of  the  above 
mixture  everyday,  would  be  such  a  consummate  Genius, 
that  CARDINAL  \\  ISEMAN  would  esteem  it  an  especial 
favour  to  be  his  shoeblack !.  Cockadoodlcdo'J 


SLAVERY  AT  TURNHAM  GREEN. 

WE  see,  by  the  advertisements  of  the  Tones,  that  a 
French  dealer  in  school  books,  and  agent  en  ffos  et  en 
detail  for  ecclesiastic  establishments,  oilers : — 

rOR  SALE.— A  Young  Ladies'  Scbool,  85  Pupils.    Most 
accomplished  Mistresses.    Terms  moderate.     Apply,  &c. 

Gracious  goodness !  goodness  gracious  !  Are  we  living 
in  England,  or  in  the  centre  of  Africa  ?  Are  we  free  sub- 
jects of  QUEEN  VICTORIA,  or  do  we  grow  cotton  under  the 
eye  of  the  American  Eagle  ?  Is  such  a  system  of  slavery 
in  existence  within  a  sixpenny  omnibus  drive  of  Bucking- 
ham Palace,  and  no  Paterfamilias  rises  with  a  clenched 
fist  to  denounce  it  ?  Imagine  85  Pupils  being  quietly 
offered  for  sale,  and  not  a  single  WILBEBFORCE  interferes 
to  prohibit  the  unnatural  sale !  Will  the  young  ladies  be 
taken  in  one  lot,  or  will  they  be  offered  separately?  Will 
they  be  made  up  in  bunches  of  a  dozen,  or  will  they  be 
handed  round  a  form,  or  a  class,  at  a  time.  It  seems  that 
the  mistresses  are'  to  go  with  the  pupils !  Poor  govern- 
esses !  We  always  thought  that  their  life  was  one,  indeed, 
of  slavery,  and  this  sale  only  too  clearly  proves  it.  We 
wonder  how  much  a  dancing-master  in  a  Ladies'  School 
fetches  ?  If  the  fellow  in  the  present  instance  had  the 
smallest  spirit  of  a  man,  he  would  make  a  bold  jump, 
and  musically  knock  off  these  galling  chatties  des  dames  in 
which  his  beautiful  pupils  would  seem  to  be  held  in  abject 
slavery. 


A  COMIC  TRADE  CIRCULAR. 

BY  the  Circular  of  MESSRS.  PEEK,  BROTHERS,  AND  Co.,  we  are 
informed  of  a  number  of  commercial  facts  which  will  probably  prove 
particularly  interesting  to  our  readers.  "  The  first  arrivals  of  Jordan 
Almonds"  are  stated,  in  this  remarkable  document,  to  "have  made 
their  appearance."  We  would  run  several  miles  in  a  brief  given  time 
to  see  an  appearance  made  by  arrivals.  The  almond-crop  is  described 
as  '  short  rather  than  otherwise."  This  statement  is  ambiguous.  A 
moderate  crop  is  a  crop  otherwise  than  short,  so  is  an  abundant  crop. 
Do  MESSRS.  PEEK  AND  Co.  mean  to  say  that  the  crop  is  short  of 
abundant,  or  short  of  moderate?  These  gentlemen  remark,  also, 
Arrowroot,  is  again  dearer,  and  we  strongly  advise  our  friends  to 
supply  themselves  with  sufficient  for  their  wants  between  now  and  early 
bprmg. '  That  is,  they  advise  their  friends  to  lay  in  a  quantity  of 
arrow-root  sufficient  for  their  wants  between  the  present  time  and  the 
beginning  of  next  Spring.  The  language  of  this  passage  is  extra- 
;e  word  "now"  having;  been  heretofore  used  as  a  substan- 
Vi  'i '"  •  i  y  Pj  '•  moreover>  "  early  spring  "  is  quite  a  poetical  phrase. 
Jlhough  trade  circulars  generally  contain  quotations,  thev  are  for 
the  most  part  rather  deficient  in  poetry— "than  otherwise'"  as  our 
authors  would  say. 

"Of  fine  Cloves,"  say  PEEKS  AND  Co.,  "we  have  had  a  largish 
arrival  since  our  last,  the  bulk  of  which  have  been  placed  at 
about  former  prices."  The  bulk  of  which  have  ?  Indeed?  Have 

e,  "  have  rather  given  way, 

and  looking  at  the  large  quantity,  both  here  and  afloat,  we  cannot  help 

tlnnkim  , ,-e long,  they  will  be  bought  cheaper  still  "     What 

Rah,  perhaps;    like  gudgeon,  as  we  say;  and  the 

».llusl011  '»"'}'  here  and  afloat,  tends  to  confirm  that  suppo- 

L'nless,  mdml,  the  members  of  the  llrm  intend  to  declare 

ry   whether  on  land  or  at   sea,  cannot  help  entertainin"  the 

)  express  as  to  the  probable  cheapness  of  Common 

Lace  the  turn  Cheaper,"  is  another  of  their  hard  sentences     What 

.-    how   much: 'as  the  clown  says  in  the  pantomime. 

mar,     they  tell  us,      is  very  scarce,  and  that  hardly  to  be  met 

any  price."    Here,  "that  scarce  Malabar"  is  probably  meant  • 

•scarce,"  of  course  it  must  be  "hardly  to  be  met  with  " 

under  any  circumstances.     "White-ells  well,"  they  affirm,  "but  we 

''ayc  u;  •  ' ' °  recommend  more  than  hand-to-mouth  purchases  " 

A  hand  to.mouih  purchase  of  white  is  something  difficult  to  imagine— 

-  the  purchase  of  a  draught  of  milk?    Next  comes  a  most  alarming 

notification,  which  reads  like  a  disastrous  telegram.    "PIMENTO  very 

ick,  and  if  not  supported  by  exporters,  will  probably  go  rather  easier  " 


Poor  PIMENTO  !  Officious  exporters  had  better  let  PIMENTO  go  easily. 
The  departure  of  PIMENTO  will  doubtless  be  a  happy  release.  Several 
other  announcements,  instructive  so  far  as  they  are  intelligible, 
succeed  those  above  quoted ;  but  their  enumeration  would  produce  but 
little  effect  on  those  whose  sympathies  will  be  monopolised  by  the 
j  suffering  PIMENTO. 

FORBES  MACKENZIE'S  FAILURE. 

Am— "  Hoy's  Wife  of  Aldivalloch." 

DAFT  FORBES  MACKENZIE  body, 

Daft  FORMS  MACKENZIE  body, 
Wot  ye  how  your  Act  has  failed 

To  hinder  Scots  frae  drinkin'  toddy? 

They  sit  and  guzzle  mair  the  noo, 
Auld  man  and  gudewife,  chiel  and  hizzie, 

And  mony  mair  hae  gotten  fou' 
Sinsyne  ye  made  yoursel '  sae  bizzy. 
Daft  FORBES,  &c. 

Awa  wi '  Yankee  Law  o'  Maine, 

Invented  by  that  ither  noddie, 
And  dinna  fash  us  wi  your  ain, 

Ye  daft  auld  FORBES  MACKENZIE  body. 
Daft  FORBES,  &c. 


ARCADES  AMBO. 

CARDINAL  WISEMAN  and  DR.  CULLEN  have  been  astonishing  the 
natives  of  Great  Britain—flad,  perhaps,  edifying  those  of  India— by 
the  publication  of  pastorals,  in  which  they  appear  to  compete  for  the 
hisses  of  the  British  Public.  We  do  not  see  a  pin  to  choose  between 
the  Arcadian  competitors;  speaking  as  PAI..I:MOX,  we  should  say  to 
his  Eminence  MENALCAS,  on  the  one  hand,  the  Most  Reverend 
DAMOSTAS  on  the  other,  "El  mtuld  tu  dignm,  et  Me;  "  or,  to  borrow 
an  English  parody  on  that  judgment,  which  would  award  thcjp 
thing  more  suitable  to  their  pastoral  deserts  respectively  than  a  cow- 
calf  a-piece,— "  An  oaken  stall'  each  merits  for  his  pains." 


THE   ARTJNDEL  OWL. 

JOCKEY  of  NORFOLK,  thou'rt  made  a  tool: 
For  WISEMAN,  thy  master,  has  played  the  Fool. 


OCTOBER  17,   1 


OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


159 


THE    RED-TAPE    SERPENT. 


IB    COLIN   has   landed,  hi 

forces  are  banded, 
And  sworn  that  no   nmr 

derous  Sepoy  shall  'scape 
But  the  tirsl  of  the  foes  t 

encounter  his  blows 
Is    the    pestilent     N 

that's  made  of  Red  Tape 

Sleek 'clerks    with     whit 

liver  "have  ventured  t 

differ 

With  CAMPBELL, our  Hiprh 
i  .touching  the  shap 
He   should  give   the   cam 

paijrn  "  that 's  to  give  us 

again 
The  empire  they  've  mine 

and  lost  by  Red 

A  black-hatted  fool  is  pre 

burning  to  school 
A    soldier  whose    banners 

are  muffled  in  crape, 
Through  the  folly  and  crime 

of  '  officials  "no  time 
Will  ever  set  free  from  th 

strings  of  lied  Tape. 

The  idiots  stood  gazing  while  cities  were  blazing, 
And  all  they  could  do  was  to  gibber  and  gape ; 

Yet  now  dare  to  wrangle,  and  seek  tn  entangle 
The  Avenger's  bright  sword  in  their  links  of  Red  Tape. 

Let  us  ho]>e  that  SrR  C.  has  resolved  to  be  free, 
To  launch  as  In  1  and  his,  grape, 

And  en  route  for  the  slaughter  by  Jumna's  red  water 
Has  mangled  the  Serpent  that's  made  of  Red  Tape 


EFFECTS  OF  A  QUEEN'S   HOLIDAY. 

MR.  PUNCH  likes  a  holiday  for  himself,  and  has  a  peculiar  and  non. 
removeable  objection  to  being  disturbed  with  business  while  enioyimr 
that  necessary  relaxation  from  his  invaluable  labours.  Naturally  as 
well  as  loyally,  (for  happily  in  England  loyalty  is  rather  more  natural 
tiau  in  certain  more  southern  latitudes)  he  has  hitherto  considered 
that  when  his  Royal  Mistress  our  gracious  S.  L.  Q.  VICTORIA,  is  taking 
Her  holiday.  She  ought  to  be  exempted,  similarly  with  himself,  from 
the  botheration  of  business.  For  a  few  weeks  the  Illustrious  Lady  in 
question  has  been  staying  at  her  Scotch  house  among  the  hills,  where 
(possibly  as  a  relief  from  the  society  of  the  Scotch  aristocracy)  She 
has  regularly  devoted  several  hours  per  diem  to  the  reading  despatches 

sing  signs  manual,  and  going  through  an  amount  of  work  at  which' 

many  an  elegant  young  gentleman  in  her  service  would  grumble 

enormously.    But  this  sacrifice  of  holiday  has  not  been  enou-h  to 

-ome :  persons,  and  complaint  is  made,  that  there  is  no  telegraph 

K  .s.M"Tn     delicate  ivory  and  enamel  desk  to  HER 

' 


,     ,    •,   ,T   ,   i  i  JTUIJT   OMU  uiiiunei  uesK.  10  nER 

-..  s  toilette-table,   so  that  at  any  hour  of  the  day  or  night 
SMYJTH  might  pester    the    i  v   with    foolish    observations 

Ur    Punch  owns  that  he  though)  irictnres    neither!  over- 

courteous  nor  over-just  %    Himself  in  some  sense  responsible  for  the 

suggestion  th.at  the  highest  parsonage  i'n\the  realm  ever  negleote  her 
-oominr  £'  V°^^^\^.  admits  that  the  case  takes  a 

mer  aspect  I  -'joyed  a  few  weeks  in  the 

fresh  air  of  the  Highlands,  has,  he  finds,  been  productive  of  several 
casualties,  and  he  hastens  to  record  them,  m  testimony  of  the 
superior  wisdom  of  those  who  protested  against  HER  MAJESTY'S 

ngf?i  <  Country  while  everybody  else  was  there.  Inconse- 
quence of  the  bovEitKiGN's  absence  from  town— 

A  lire  broke  out  at  the  house  of  Luvi  SMOUCH,  tailor,  in  White- 
jhapeLand  tot  :ned  eight  pair  of  slop-shop  corduroy  trousers 

fi  e  seal-skin  caps,  and  a  plate  of  fried  ILJ,,  which  had  been  set  apart 
lor  MRS  S  's  supper.  The  property  is  insured. 

near?ei>v  an  °Pa;  'V^'  Zoologioal  S;lrdeus.  being  approached  too 
conetin°uatimis.PCWtC'r  ***' •&'***!  StcerfiuS  teft 

j   The  w,ife  of  a  .respectable  bookseller  in  tlie  Strand,  going  into  her 


!,  the  wife  of  a  drvsalter,  liad  been  informed  by  her 

vs'TdV'l"  f"°   Y™  .?')MS  ,'°    Wo°hv'cli  on    business,   but 

''  to  found  in  the  pool  ,at  which  he  had  won. 

"I1'  -ockproduced 

M1CA''  M  i  into  .1  shop,  and  ordered  a  new  dress 

K.A,  S(;r  •"<•>•.  Calkin-  through  Hand  Court,  in  Bottom,  set 

his  foot  upon  ,|   orange-peel,  slipped,  and  had  mad, 

<    mis  before  he  providentially  recollected  that  he  could 
1MB,  I 

mornine  of  Tuesday  last,  i  oe  of  plaster  fell 

me  of  the  unlimshrd  Itouses  in  I'mdiro;  and,  if  it 
I  a    no.  been  too  soon  for.anj  out,  and  the  plaster  had  not 

fallen  m.  .there  MM 

Ai.is"x,  ha  .ered  an  oration   in  honour 

lintish  \,my,  it,  took  M  orreapondenta  of  the  journals 

hist  .<WrCCt  ""  Accuracies  in  the  eminent 

-V"'  \IL.U  ]  r>-  for  Lnnibeth,   trying  on  his  copper 

3"^  'ildl.kcaconm.-i,  it  slipped  over  his  headland 

slioul,  ,,udwd  h,s  face  and  clean  collar  in'a  most  awf.d  manner 

A  resKCtable  individual,  on  his  way  from  the  City  to  Charin-  ( !r08S 
very  nearly  entered  the  Strand  Theatre,  on  the  faith  of  a  mmilateJ 
paragraph  m  the  Ath***m,  out  of  which  the  Manager  had  plundered 

but  he  \ya.s  happily  rescued  by  a  dance  at.  the  play-bill,  v. 
Showed  Imn  that  no  resp,:rtable  individual  eoul.l  witness,  he  advertised 
performance  without  a  sensation  of  nausea 

lady,  getting  (as  she  thoaght)  into  one  of  the  old  omnibuses 

,Ti  T6^  the  ^?"  ;"ld  llever  discovered  her  n 

intil  she  had  accoBpJJHhed  the  journey  in  t  wo-thirds  of  the  ordinary  time, 
tounrt  her  dress  unsoded,  and  was  answered  politely  by  the  conductor! 
ire  a  few  among  numerous  accidents  which  have  occurred  in 
••nee  of  the  Bovpuiau's  having  taken  the  holiday  which  a 
:rsubiects  who  can  afford  it  are  taking;  and  Mr.  Punch  earnestlv 
mpes  that  these  occurrences  will  be  a  warning  to  the  Illustrious  Ladv. 
for  though  nearly  all  her  aforesaid  subjects  heartDy  rejoice  that  she 
renovate  her  health  at  Balmoral,  or  wherever  else  may  suit  her, 
and  where  they  are  perfectly  certain  that  she  does,  admirably  as  usual 
2  wort:  she  promised  at  her  Coronation,  it  is  a  shocking  thing  that 
jhe  should  be  out  ot  telegraph's  length  of  "Mil.  SMVJTH  of  Cannon 
Row    -that  right  honourable  Forcible  Feeble,  of  elegant  taste 
istery,  and  usually  esteemed  (by  his  friends)  more  "    ' 
matting  than  India 


A  i  SEPOY  LEADER—  AND  NO  MISTAKE? 

WE  cannot   pass  over,  altogether  without   notice,  the  Mowing 
ommencement  of  a  leading  article  in  the  Morttitig  Slur  — 


of 


Our  planetary  contemporary  may  appear,  in  the  concluding  part  of 
Cove  extract,  to  express  a  hope  of  hearing  of  many  additional 
from  India,  from  the  merely  accidental  insertion,  either  by  a 
ommon  slip  of  the  pen,  or  an  error  of  the  press,  of  the  word  "not " 
i  the  word    wrong."    But  are  we  so  sure  of  this  ?    May  not  the 
icgative  have  escaped  the  pen,  as  an  unguarded  expression 
taming  a  real  thought  however,  sometimes  escapes  the  lips  V  Really! 
partisans  and  advocates  of  knocking  under  to  all  aggression 
stray  such  rancour  against  all  their  opponents,  that  it  is  impossible  to 
chat  horrors  they  mav  not  wish  to  Wall  their  country,  if  they  think 
those  horrors  hkely  to. advance  their  crotchets.. 

AMUSEMENT  EXTRAORDINARY. 

THE  following  Advertisement  is  extracted  from  the  Observer  where 
it  has  certainly  been  placed  under  a  very  odd  heading:— 

PUBLIC    AMC5EHEXT3. 

OTiPiT  rT^°eTne8  °f  the  He*d-Ql"«-ters  of  the  Revolt    in    India  — 
BEAT  GLOBE.  Leicester  Squ.re.-TO-MORROW  (Monday),  in  .dditi- 

—  and  splendid  D1OKA 

to  the  wholo 


Amusement  is'hardly  the  object  for  which  one  would  just  now  go  to 
acquire  ideas  of  the  topography  of  Delhi-imless,  indeed,  one  were  an 
Ultramontane  Sepoy.  The/^.^-.f  it  were  polluting  the  soil  of 
England  by  the  presence  of  its  Editor-might  step  into  the  Great 
fflobe  for  hat  purpose  and  the  un:  lag  thus  been  comprised 

in  the  Globe  might  characteristically  boast  afterwards  of  the  nraacle 
ihe  supply  of  1  he  demand  for  information  on  any  point  in  connection 

Hk  !,1  '.'"'  n-^/r"  f  hj,'CCt  °f  ihe  d'!  :l  h»itim«tti  under- 

IBM—  bat,  like    hat  ot  an  ordinary  undertaker,  it  is  a  dismal  one 
and,  however  much  it  may  instruct  anybody,  can  amuse  nobody. 


ICO 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON*    CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  17,  1857. 


Donald  Punch  (a  Keeper).   "I  BEG  TOUB  PARDON,  MY  LOUD  Bisnor,  BUT  MAY  I  JUST  TROUBLE  YE  TO  Snow  ME  YOUR  CEETIHCATE  ?." 


"PAST"  THE  DAY  AND  FAST  THE  DEED. 

A  CASE  was  heard  before  the  Magistrates  of  Ross -shire  in  petty 
sessions  on  Thursday  last,  in  which  a  gentleman,  attired  with  the 
strictest  decorum  and  wearing  an  episcopal  hat  of  orthodox  dimensions, 
was  charged  with  being  in  the  unlawful  pursuit  of  game  at  Balmacarra 
on  the  Day  of  Humiliation.  The  elders  of  the  kirk  assembled  in  con- 
siderable numbers  to  watch  the  case,  as  it  was  reported  among  them 
that  the  gentleman  in  question  was  no  less  a  personage  than  ARCH- 
BISHOP CULLEN  or  CARDINAL  WISEMAN,  who  had  thus  taken  an 
opportunity  of  evincing  his  indifference  to  our  Indian  disasters  and 
his  sympathy  with  his  serviceable  friends  the  Sepoys  of  Bengal.  This 
impression,  however,  was  completely  dispelled,  and  a  visible  shudder 
passed  through  the  Court  when  the  accused  party,  on  being  interro- 
gated, modestly  gave  his  name  as  "  A.  C.  LONDON." 

The  rase  at  the  first  wore  a  very  serious  aspect,  from  the  depositions 
of  the  persons  who  had  watched  the  supposed  delinquent.  He  was 
overheard  talking  to  his  attendant  about  capital  preserves  "  and  the 
gold  he  had  got  by  a  former  invasion  of  the  same  manor.  He  also 
made  various  remarks  on  "  the  heather  "  and  "  the  birds  being  wild," 
and  was  observed  to  be  carefully  searching  the  ground,  as  he  told  his 
attendant,  for  "  the  form  of  a  hare."  The  case  in  short  looked  very 
black  until  these  expressions  were  partially  explained ;  when  it  appeared 
that  the  "preserves"  of  which  he  had  spoken  consisted  solely  of 
Scotch  Marmalade,  which  he  had  used  with  effect  for  "  a  cold  he  had 
caught  on  a  former  occasion,  in  the  same  manner."  His  mention  of  the 
heather  and  the  birds  being  wild  was  interpreted  into  a  remark  that 
the  weather  was  very  mild,  and  instead  of  searching  for  the  form  of  a 
hare,  he  was  simply  looking  for  the  Form  of  Prayer,  which  he  had 
inadvertently  dropped  while  trying  if  he  could  repeat  it. 

On  searching  his  person,  what  at  first  appeared  to  be  a  powder-flask 
and  a  box  of  stamped  gun-wads  turned  out  to  be  a  flask  containing 
some  sherry  and  water,  and  a  box  half  emptied  of  medicinal  lozenges. 
What  appeared  moreover  to  have  been  a  gun  and  a  shot-belt,  were 
also  explained  in  an  equally  innocent  manner ;  and  on  a  Magistrate 
asking,  though  it  was  not  material,  whether  if  he  had  actually  been 
shooting,  as  supposed,  it  was  in  his  power  to  produce  a  certificate  if 
called  upon,  he  at  once  exhibited  a  certificate  from  his  medical  adviser, 


who  had  ordered  him  to  Scotland  for  the  benefit  of  his  health,  which 
had  been  much  shaken  by  his  episcopal  labours. 

The  Magistrates  at  once  said  they  would  not  detain  him  further,  and 
that  he  left  the  Court  without  a  stain  on  his  character ;  at  the  same 
time  they  highly  complimented  Mr.  Punch,  through  whose  vigilance 
the  supposed  trespasser  had  been  brought  before  them. 


THE  POOE  DRAPER'S  ADMIRER. 

"DEAK  PUNCHY, 

"ME  and  some  other  young  ladies  is  not  at  all  pleased  with 
your  notion  about  taking  the  gents  out  of  the  shops  and  making  red 
herrings  of  them.  We  like  to  be  served  by  gents  and  no  mistake,  and 
so  its  no  use  saying  we  don 't,  because  we  do.  It 's  all  very  well  for 
Missus  and  them  sort  of  people,  who  can  have  a  little  bit  of  a  spree 
whenever  they  like,  to  prefer  buying  stockings  and  all  that  of  shop- 
women,  but  we  ain't  going  to  be  done  out  of  the  only  bit  of  gig  we 
get,  and  that 's  when  we  do  a  bit  of  shopping.  Buying  things  without 
a  little  chaff  and  nonsense,  and  a  compliment  or  so,  why,  I'd  as  soon 
go  to  church.  It 's  half  the  fun  of  the  fair.  Why,  I  never  get  called 
Miss  except  when  I  go  shopping,  nor  asked  to  sit  down,  and  told  I 'm 
looking  as  fresh  as  paint,  aud  whether  I  'm  come  to  buy  the  wedding 
gownd.  Besides,  a  fortune-teller  told  me  when  I  had  my  last  Out, 
that  I  should  marry  a  handsome  dark  man  with  whiskers,  who  stood 
behind  his  master 's  counter  now,  but  would  soon  stand  behind  his 
own ;  and  now,  old  feller,  how  am  I  to  meet  with  the  party  if  all  the 
beaus  are  sent  to  fight  the  seaboys  in  the  West  hinges  ?  So  please  to 
adone  do,  and  so  no  more  at  present  from  (only  Missus  won't  let  me 
call  myself  by  that  name,  but  makes  me  answer  to  MARY) 

"Your's  affectionately, 
"  Friday  night."      "MELUSINDA." 

CAPITAL  POKTKAITS. 

WISCOUNT  VILLIAMS,  when  he  was  told  that  Photographic  like- 
nesses could  be  taken  on  wood,  slapped  his  forehead  in  despair,  and 
exclaimed,  quite  touchingly,  "Then,  no  man's  head  is  safe  ! " 


PUNCH,  OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI.— OCTOBER  17,  1857. 


THE   RED-TAPE    SERPENT-SIR   COLIN'S    GREATEST 

DIFFICULTY   IN   INDIA. 


OCTOBER  17,  1857.] 


1MXCH,   Oil    THE   LCXX;  i!AKI\ 


163 


OFF    SHE    GOES  ! 


HE  Manchester  Examiner   publishes    the  sub- 
joined   statement,   which  iilustr, 
known  principle  in  natural  philosophy,  and 
which,  of  course,  we  implicitly  believe : — 

"EXPU'WOX    E*TR  (ORDINARY. —Oil    t- 

noon  last,  dnring  the  organ  performance  at  St  George's 
Hall,  1  •  :e  audience  were  suddenly 

alarmed  by  a  violetit  report,  somewhere  about  tlie 
ri>om,  which  was  happily  aot  at- 
us  results.     It  turned  out 
•.  consequence  of  the  bur?- 
.ndia-rubber  bustle,  which  in  all  probability, 
baa  resulted  fix-in  the  expansion  of  the  air  with  which 
it  was  iuf.atol  t.y  the  heat  of  the  crowded  room,  tlie 
piece  of  foolery  was  made  being 
unable  t<>  reM-t       -  pressure.    Alarm  was  ^ 
oeeded    by   merriment,    in    which    everyone  joined 
except  •  etc  lady  herself,  who  appeared 

much  disconcerted." 

In  obedience  to  that  law  of  nature,  whereby 
caloric,  imparted  to  gaseous  bodies,  including  atmospheric  air  (which 
consists  of  oxygen  and  nitrogen,  in  the  proportions  of  twenty  volumes 
of  the  former  to  eighty  of  the  latter,  together  with  a  variable  quantity 
of  carbonic  acid.  Besides  ozone  and  odoriferous  and  other  volatile 
matters)  causes  them  to  expand — pop  went  the  bustle !  This  is  one  of 
those  interesting  facts  which  sometimes  occur ;  and  it  throws  quite  a 
new  light  on  the  elastic  properties  of  caoutchouc,  as  well  as  on  the 
degree  of  temperature  at  which  animal  life  is  capable  of  bcinc  sustained, 
which,  at  the  same  time  will  cause  the  explosion  of  confined  air. 
It  also  demonstrates  a  point  of  minor  importance — the  absurdity  of 
inflated  petticoats. 

SONG  OF  THE  LIGHT  WEIGHT  INFANTRY. 

I  AM  a  little  man,  being  only  five  feet  four, 
I  am  a  soldier  now,  beneath  the  mark  no  more  ; 
A  rifle  I  can  point  with  heart  devoid  of  fear, 
And  shoot  a  toe  as  well  as  any  Grenadier. 

Mine  is  the  kind  of  weight  to  bruisers  known  as  light, 
Which  many  men  who  weigh,  much  bigger  men  can  fight ; 
And  though  the  big  ones  have  the  advantage  in  a  charge, 
More  spirit  may  make  up  for  body  not  so  large. 

A  little  man  besides,  upon  his  sturdy  pegs, 

Will  very  often  march  a  giant  off  his  legs  ; 

And  so  he  wins  the  palm  of  glory  and  renown : 

His  comrades  he  knocks  up,  his  enemies  knocks  down. 

Hurrah,  then,  for  the  field  !  where  now  I  can  aspire 
My  country  to  defend(  like  anybody  higher, 
AY ithin  my  body  small  I  '11  show  I 've  a  vast  mind, 
And  if  I  fall,  my  wounds  shall  not  be  found  behind. 


An  Incident  of  the  Linendrapers'  Drawing  Boom. 

IT  is  the  custom  in  several  of  our  Ladies'  wearing  apparel  establish- 
ments for  one  young  gentleman,  after  office  hours,  to  read  the  news- 
paper out  aloud  to  the  others.  Ou  a  recent  occasion,  when  the  Beau 
of  the  house  had  come  to  the  end  of  a  thundering  diatribe  against  the 
effeminate  practices  of  able-bodied  count eriumpers,  usurping  the 
places  of  weak  women.  &c..  he  turned  round  to  his  shame-stricken 
associates,  and  smiling  blandly,  said,  as  he  balanced  himself  elegantly 
on  his  two  thumbs,  "  Is  there  any  other  little  article,  gentlemen,  that 
you  would  like  me  to  read  you  this  evening  y " 


A  SITUATION  to  take  care  of  young  children,  or  go 
••  out  with  the  perambulator,  or  rock  the  cradle,  or  feed  the  cockatoo  and 
canaries,  or  to  make  himself  generally  useful  in  a  quiet,  effeminate,  milk 
way,  A  STKOSO  AGLI-KDIBD  Yousc,  MAN.  who  is  just  in  the  prime  of  life.  Stands 
five  feet  ten.  without  his  clogs.  Can  have  a  seven  years'  character  from  a  first-rate 
linen-draper's  establishment  in  Regent  Street.  His  only  reason  for  leaving  is  the 
excess  of  ridicule  thrown  on  his  present  employment.  Address  to  HERCULES,  at 
the  Distaff  Club,  Augean  Stable*,  Craven  Yard.— N.  B.  No  objection  to  carry  a 
band-box. 

A  Theatrical  Note  and  Query. 

Tax.  Princess's  Theatre  is  advertised  to  open  with  a  "new  Shak- 
spearian  drop."  What  fresh  revival,  we  wonder,  is  this  season  to  be, 
with  MR.  CHARLES  KEAX  in  the  principal  character,  the  "new 
Shakspearian  drop  ?  "  

MAXIM.      BY    A   SICK   BACHELOR. 
(flvxg  at  the  Unfair  Sex.) 

WAXT  of  Sympathy  in  a  woman  is  almost  as  bad  as  Want  of 
Beauty  !!!!!! 


KX(,  LAND'S  DlITiCULTi'  IS  ICELAND'S 
OITOiril  MTY. 

::K  once  was  a  time  when  of  hatred  scarce  smothered 
To  England,  is  text  served  the  words  that  *<•  MU 
For  preachers  who  taught  that  when  Albion  was  bothered, 
'Twas  the  moment  for  Erin  t'.  ily  nt  her  throat. 

Those  wore  days  when  all  kindlier  feeling  wss  bar., 

wke-clubs,  N  >.ls,  and  shouts  for  "  Mpale  "  — 

Wli.  '-studs,  somehow,  vaniilied, 

On  their  way  from  the  (.'••  nwnham  gaol. 

Those  days  are  no  more—  may  a  curse  lie  their  backs  on— 

Tlie  white  and  green  1 
And  like  two  EW! 

Stretch  out  friendly  hands 

The  old  text,  like  so  in- 

To  the  Islands'  new  jfefa* 
It  must,  and  does,  mean  that  w;  >ie, 

'Tis  the  moment  tor  Ireland  to  spring  to  her  side. 


'Twas  the  stout  Tipperary  M 

For  service  in  India  first  volunteered; 
For  the  Minit  rille  flung  down  tlie  shillelagh, 

So  soon  as  a  chance  of  "rale  fightin"  appeared. 

And  now  Tipperary's  example  's  been  followed 
By  the  lads  of  Roscommon,  so  gallant  and  true  : 

CULLEX'S  pastoral  letters  are  read,  but  not  swallowed, 
And  the  Nation  spouts  treason,  but  can't  make  it  do. 

Factions  priest,  factious  paper,  may  rave  with  impunity, 
So  long  as  each  people,  as  now,  understand 

That  the  other's  embarrassment's  it»  opporti 
To  help  to  the  utmost,  with  heart,  purse,  and  hand  ! 


HOWARD  THE  PHILANTHROPIST ! 


r -RIDDEN  DUKE  OFNpH- 

POLK  is  doing  the  bidding 
of  WISEMAN,  CrLLEx,  and 
Company, by  trying  toimpede 
the  now  of  Catholic  charity 
to  India.  He  is  to  be  re- 
warded with  an  ultramontane 
addition  to  his  title,  derived 
from  a  locality  in  which  the 
sentiments  of  his  masters 
are  popular.  His  Grace  is 
to  be  created  Dukeof  Norfolk 
Island. 


PERFORMERS  IN  "THE  GRAVE  SCENE." 

SOME  ''Funeral  contractors  "  (that  is  the  new  term)  advertise  to 
"  perform  "  funerals  "  with  a  due  regard  to  the  feelings  of  the  bereaved, 
and  the  solemnity  of  the  occasion."  The  regard  that  is  due  is  mainly 
proportioned,  we  suppose,  to  the  amount  of  ready  money  that  is  paid? 
They  have  different  qualities  of  grief,  you  may  be  sure,  accordius  to  the 
price  you  pay.  For  £2  10s.,  the  regard  is  very  small.  For  £5,  the 
sighs  are  deep  and  audible.  For  £7  10i.  the  woe  is  profound,  only 
properly  controlled;  but  for  £10,  the  despair  bursts  through  all 
; ut,  and  the  mourners  water  the  ground,  no  doubt,  with"  their 
tears.  We.  wonder  these  black  crocodiles  do  not  openly  advertise  the 
sale  of  their  lachryma-  ?  We  dare  say  that  the  luxury  would  be  every 
drop  as  expensive  M  early  peas,  or  anything  else  that  was  forced.  We 
wonder  what  is  the  market-price  of  "  tears  per  pint  ?  " — and  we  are, 
also,  curious  to  know,  whether  these  funeral  pantomimists  make  up  so 
small  a  quantity  of  mitigated  grief  as  "one  tear,"  and  what  is  the  lowest 
price  they  charge  for  the  same  ?  We  notice,  in  the  same  grinnins  adver- 
tisement, that,  "  The  Gothic  State  Hearse  is  used  for  every  class  funeral 
above  £5."  It  seems,  then,  that  there  are  as  many  class'es  of  funerals 
as  there  are  of  railway  trains.  There  are,  apparently,  First  Class, 
Second  Class,  and  Third  Class  Funerals.  We  hope,  for  the  sake  of  the 
poor,  that  there  are  no  Parliamentary  funerals  that  stop  on  their  dreary- 
nay  as  often  as  a  Parliamentary  train.  But  who,  we  ask,  could  possibly 
fcrego  the  above  inducement  when  offered  at  so  contemptible  a  price  P 
Is  there  anvbody,  in'possession  of  so  small  a  sum  as  £5,  who  would  not 
gladly  put  it  aside  for  the  unutterable  luxury  of  being  buried  in  a 
"  Gothic  State  Hearse ! "  Put  another  sovereign  to  it,  and  we  should 
not  be  surprised  if  a  "  Gothic  State  Coachman  "  wasn't,  also,  thrown  in. 


164 


PUNCH,    OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  17,  1857. 


"  Hi !    STOP  THIEF— HE  's  STOLE  MY  GOLD  WATCH  ! " 


BROTHERS  OF  THE  ORDER  OF  NENA    SAHIB. 

IN  murdering  women  and  children,  with  atrocious  tortures,  at 
Cawnpore,  the  Indian  Sepoys  made  a  revolting  mess.  GENERAL  NEILL 
lias  been  compelling  as  many  of  these  miscreants  as  he  could  catch, 
being  high -caste  Brahmins,  to  wash  up,  from  the  floor  of  the  building 
in  wnich  the  massacre  took  place  some  of  this  mess,  previously  to 
being  hanged.  This  act  of  scavengery  involves  loss  of  caste,  and  that, 
the  Brahminical  brutes  think,  entails  everlasting  perdition.  "Let 
them  think  so,"  says  GENERAL  NEILL,  and  for  having  thus  combined 
speech  with  act,  an  Ultramontane  Sepoy  in  the  Tablet  attacks  the 
gallant  General  with  frantic  violence,  calling  him  Satan,  and  other 
hard  names. 

Poor  Brahminical  Sepoy — to  have  been  sent  out  of  this  world  with 
the  guilt  upon  his  conscience  of  sweeping  up  a  little  of  the  mess  he 
had  nelped  to  make  by  cruel  murder!  The  cruel  murder  was  a  com- 
paratively light  weight  upon  his  conscience  in  the  opinion  of  the 
Ultramontane  Sepov,  apparently.  Docs  the  Ultramontane  Sepoy 
suppose  that  the  little  children  and  ladies  tortured  to  death  were  only 
Protestants  ? 

According  to  the  Ultramontane  Sepoy's  creed,  the  Brahminical  Sepoy 
hanged,  even  if  he  had  been  the  tenderest,  gentlest,  noblest,  honestest, 
heathen  that  ever  existed,  yet,  having  been  hanged  out  of  the  pale  of 
the  Ultramontane's  Church,  would  have  gone  hopelessly  to  perdition. 
How  barbarous  to  send  the  inhuman,  treacherous,  dastardly  Sepoy 
into  the  other  world  with  some  idea  of  the  part  of  it  to  which — in  the 
Ultramontane  Sepoy's  opinion,  of  course— he  was  immediately  going. 

What  a  tender  sympathy  the  Ultramontane  Sepoy  manifests  with 
the  religious  feelings  of  his  Brahminical  brother !  What  a  freemasonry 
exists  among  fanatics !— how  marvellously  one  touch  of  superstition 
makes  the  whole  world  of  bigots  kin ! — would  be  our  remarks  on  the 
outbreak  in  the  Tablet  against  GENERAL  NEILL,  did  we  not  rather 
suppose  it  to  be  a  mere  explosion  of  Ultramontane  malice.  The  valve 
of  the  Ultramontane  engine  has  been  held  down  under  popular  pres- 
sure ;  the  boiler  has  cracked ;  and  a  jet  of  nearly  red-hot  steam  has 
spurted  out  of  the  fissure. 

We  might  suggest  to  the  Ultramontane  Sepoys  of  the  Tablet  that 
they  perhaps  rather  misunderstand  the  principle  on  which  GENERAL 
NEILL  compelled  their  Brahminical  brethren  to  clear  up  spine  of  the 
horrid  dirt  which  they  had  made.  To  hurt  the  Sepoy's  religious  sen- 
sibilities was  no  object  of  the  gallant  General's.  His  purpose  was 
simply  to  make  the  best  possible  example  of  the  criminals.  How  to 
do  that  most  effectually  is  the  only  question  to  be  now  considered 
touching  the  mutinous  Sepoys.  If  that  can  be  thoroughly  done  without 
hurting  them,  mentally  or  bodily,  let  it  be  done.  Pain,  mental  or 

yhysical,  inflicted  on  them  as  mere  pain,  would  be  idle  surplusage, 
fc  could  not  undo  the  misery  they  have  caused.    But  if  any  treatment 
they  can  be  subjected  to  is  likely  to  deter  others  from  repeating  their 
crimes,  subject  them  to  it  quite  irrespectively  of  their  ideas  and  sen- 


sations. They  can  be  made  nothing  of  but  scarecrows  ;  make  them 
the  most  efficient  scarecrows  possible.  If  their  superstition  affords  a 
facility  of  rendering  their  execution  terrible  to  their  fellows,  take 
advantage  of  it.  That  a  Sepoy  should  die  in  affright  because  lie  has 
been  forced  to  cleanse  a  floor  of  filth  which  he  himself  created  by  the 
most  abominable  slaughter,  is  extremely  desirable,  if  the  spectacle  of 
such  a  death,  in  such  a  frame  of  mind,  is  likely  to  prevent  the  same 
filth  from  being  made  again  by  a  similar  villain. 

These  explanatory  suggestions  we  might  offer  to  the  Ultramontane 
Sepoys,  if  they  wanted  any  explanation,  and  did  not  know  the  real 
state' of  the  case  as  well  as  we  do,  and  were  not  actuated  merely  by  a 
venomous  and  burning  hatred  of  England,  which  they  eagerly  jumrj  at  ' 
every  opportunity  of  venting,  particularly  if,  by  so  doing,  they  think 
that  they  can  do  mischief  to  the  Government  and  People  who  endure 
them. 

From  the  treatment  which  the  Indian  Sepoys  are  receiving,  the 
Ultramontane  Sepoys  appear  to  infer  that  persecution  awaits  them- 
selves. The  apprehension  may  not  be  verified ;  but  it  is  very  natural. 


HEKOES  AND   HABEEDASHEES. 

THE  drapers  may  stand  fire,  but  they 'clearly  can't  stand  chaff.  They 
look  upon  a  jest  as  the  most  serious  of  matters.  A  joke  becomes  no 
joke  when  made  at  their  expense.  Well  off  as  they  may  be.  they 
can't  afford  yet  to  be  laughed  at.  They  complain  most  pitifully  of 
the  "  cruel  attacks  "  which  have  been  made  upon  them  by  the  press, 
and  they  cannot  see  why  they  should  be  "  singled  out  for  ridicule  "  of 
their  feminine  acquirements,  when  men  of  equally  unmanly  avocations 
have  escaped  it.  Why  not  attack  the  tailors,  or  the  hairdressers,  or  the 
loungers  at  the  Clubs,  or  their  man-cooks  and  lusty  footmen  ?  And 
then,  like  whipped  children,  with  tears  still  in  their  eyes,  they  tell  us 
they  "  don't  care,"  and  that  no  amount  of  ridicule  will  drive  them  to 
enlist,  while  they  will  lose  money  and  lose  caste  by  doin»  so. 

Now,  that  there 's  some  sense  in  this  we  willingly  admit.  Justice 
before  jokes  has  ever  been  our  motto.  We  hate  all  unfair  play— even 
upon  words ;  and  we  are  averse  to  forming  one-sided  opinions.  In 
giving  judgment,  always  Audi  alteram  partem  ;  or,  speaking  to  com- 
mercial men,  we  should  say,  Hear  what  the  other  Party's  got  to  say 
about  it. 

Of  course  we  can't  expect  in  this  business-minded  age  to  discover 
that  mere  chivalry  will  pass  current  at  the  counter.  Tradesmen  get 
the  habit  of  looking  upon  matters  in  what  they  call  "  a  business  light," 
and  will  abstain  from  entering  the  Army  or  any  other  "  concern," 
unless  they  think  that  it  will  prove  of  advantage  to  their  pocket. 
The  British  Martyrs  have  died  out — at  least  there  is  no  chance  of 
raising  up  an  Army  of  them— and  we  can't  expect  a  draper's  man  to 
make  an  Alarming  Sacrifice  of  himself  upon  the  altar  of  his  country, 
until  he  has  assured  himself  by  careful  calculation,  that  the  odds  are 
it  would  prove  a  paying  spec  to  do  so.  Patriotism  's  all  very  fine 
behind  the  footlights  ;  but  in  a  business  light  (to  make  a  heinous  mis- 
quotation) "  The  Pay's  the  thing !  " 

But  although  a  mercer,  as  a  tradesman,  may  be  excused  for  being 
mercenary,  we  cannot  grant  that,  as  a  subject,  he  has  liberty  to  use 
such  language  as  the  following,  with  which  a  writer  to  the  Times 
endeavours  to  deter  his  fellow-shopmen  from  enlistment : — 

' '  Why  should  we  enlist,  then  ?  Why  should  we  lower  ourselves  in  the  social  scale, 
and  congregate  with  the  illiterate  and  debauched  crew  which  the  recruiting  sergeant 
is  now  collecting  from  the  dregs  of  the  population  ?  " 

The  counter-jumper  here  clearly  jumps  to  false  conclusions.  The 
question  he  last  puts  is  a  literally  begged  one.  In  his  blind  fear  of 
losing  caste,  he  cannot  see  that  he  is  simply  frightening  himself  by  the 
shadow  of  reflection  which  he  throws  upon  the  Armv.  He  assumes 
that  in  the  ranks  he  could  not  find  a  single  undebauched  associate ;  and 
if  this  were  so,  there  would  be  certainly  excuse  for  his  not  joining. 
But  we  deny  that  he  is  justified  in  making  the  assumption ;  and  as  for 
drapers'  men  sinking  in  the  social  scale  by  turning  soldiers,  we  regard 
that  conclusion  as  a  counter-jumped  one  also.  Even  granting  our 
recruits  are  "mainly  labourers  and  navvies,"  we  do  not  think  a  shop- 
man would  just  now  be  thought  the  worse  of  for  enlisting.  Whatever 
be  his  standing  in  the  scale  of  sociality,  we  are  certain  that  no  counter- 
skipper  would  be  lowered  in  our  eyes  by  his  mixing  with  a  clodhopper. 
He  may  better  carve  his  way  to  fame  with  the  sword  than  with  the 
scissors,  and  is  more  likely  to  be  envied  as  a  hero  than  a  haberdasher. 

We  have  little  wish  to  give  advice  that  may  be  needless :  but  unless 
our  British  shopmen  are  inclined  to  be  nicknamed  British  Brahmins, 
they  will  do  wisely  just  at  present  not  to  show  themselves  too  careful 
of  their  caste. 

PROFUSE  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS  BREED  SUSPICION. — Copy-Book  Maxim. 

Brown  (an  unlucky  Lender].  It's  the  fifth  time  WORMWOOD  has 
thanked  me  for  that  matter  of  £20  I  lent  him  !  He 's  so  uncommonly 
grateful  that  I  begin  to  suspect  the  fellow  doesn't  intend  to  repay  me. 


OCTOBER  17,  1857.] 


PfXCir,   OR  THE    LONDON   CHAftTYATU. 


165 


MR.  JOHN  THOMAS  ONTHE  ENLISTMENT  QUESTION.   A^aBfadnra  k.«_ , : 

"  Lp,  Flunkies  !  then,  and  At  'em  !  like  the  gards  at  Waterloo— 
I  In  the  service  of  your  country  who  more  fit  to  serve  than  I'  ? 


IR,  —  mitter 
you  've    wunce 
twice         hinserted 
what  i've  rote, 
So  praps  you  '11  now 
i     be    good    enuff   to 
publish    this    year 
note: 

My  spellink  may  be 
doutful,  aud  my 
Knsilish  not  the 

ICN'S, 

But     I     fumly    ope 
-„     there  '1  be  no  doubt 


7  -i»n,<;  ui  juiu  uuuinry  wno  more  ill  10  serve  man  L  r 

" ''•  (  liange  the  salver  for  the  saber,  for  the  red  coat  doff  the  plush, 

~,    I  gfi?y  oitl  I'lif-'laml  tliat  its  Footmen  4- their  walour  need  n't  blush, 

ibLrl't'll  VVIitli*  v/m  r  1 1 11 1  lit   i«  c  t  s tii  +    Vr  ,,*„  lr»«_4  ,,l.  l . . ..  l. ,. .,      . i,  .*,    _    j  • 


that    what 
means. 


i  sez  i 


rj=r'l£*(  '  "  Lasts  Sattaday  as 
ever  were  I  found 
just  after  2, 
were  like  them 
chaps  iu  man- 
chester  oo've  got 
no  work  to  do : 

to  drive  away  my  omcee,  which  the  wulgar  calls  it  Wapers, 
.  {rset-  me  down  &  set  to  work  a  readink  of  the  papers. 
Witt  hmtrest  the  Court  Stickler  were  the  fust  thing  i  perused, 
VV  ich  narrated  in  the  I  Lands  how  the  QUEEN  had  been  emused, 
VV  hile  the  PRINCE,  which  for  is  music  they  now  calls  im  a  Consort, 
Had  everv  day  been  deerstorking  &  ad  some  fustrate  sport. 
I  ve  not  been  at  that  game  myself,  but  with  them  as  ave  I  've  talked, 
And  been  surprised  to  hear  in  say  what  miles  a  day  they  've  walked  • 
A  perfessinil  Pedestring  it  may  suit  to  be  a  stalker, 
But  as  -i  the  enjiment  I  should  say  it  were  all  Walker  ! 
Ihen  while  the  deers  is  wisible  U  musnt  speak  a  word. 
1  or  though  theyre  miles  away  peraps  your  wices  mite  be  herd  • 
Ihere  may  be  sport  in  deerstalking  but  tizzent  to  my  mind 
Which  I'm  partial  to  Dears  talking  of  a  sociabler  kind. 
•,,-,  .T1}e.fashnable  Hintelligence  ot  course  I  next  snrweyed, 
VV  hitch  it  puts  one  up  to  all  the  moves  in  I  life  as  is  made  • 
And  when  one 's  on  the  Move  1  self  in  course  one  likes  to  no 
Itiat  others  is  a  moyink  too  which  makes  it  come  ill  fo. 
Ihen  I  red  the  leadink  articles,  and  with  M  quite  agreed 
That  of  men  to  serve  in  Hinjy  now  the  country  were  in  need  : 
And  ime  glad  as  they've  consented  to  rejuice  the  Standard  Itc, 
\V  Inch  there  aint  no  call  for  giants  now  with  Minnies  they  must  fite 
Six  looters  isnt  nessary  for  just  to  pull  a  trigger, 
Wich  a  man  of  5  foot  4  may  do  as  well  as  im  who 's  bigger 

..But  there  were  a  suggestion  in  a  letter  as  I  red, 
VV  hich  to  write  this  ear  in  anser  like  has  put  it  in  my  ed  • 
The  writer  though  aperiently  in  trade  seemed  up  to  snongh 
He  owned  that  at  the  charfink  of  the  Times  he  'd  cut  up  rough ; 
For  e  coodent  c  y  britons  in  the  counterjumping  line 
Should  'ave  their  valour  doubted  cos  the  Gards  they  didn't  jine  • 
W  Inch  it  wozzent  want  of  Pluck  he  said  as  kep  M  from  enlistin, 
But  want  of  better  Prospex,  as  the  press  is  now  insistin 
For  he  thort  unless  by  merit  from  the  ranks  a  man  could  rise 
The  army  wornt  a  temptink  spec  in  any  shopman's  eyes. 
But  Y  not  arst  the  nobs  to  spare  their  useless  men  says  E, 
0V  Inch  though  he  calls  em  Useless  he  means  sich  men  as  Me) 
They  re  most  on  em  6-Phooters,  ave  good  legs  and  shoulders  broad 
And  their  whiskies  by  the  female  poppylation  is  adored : 
As  Warriors  they'd  be  Waliant— bcm  Brittings  one  can't  doubt  em— 
|  And  by  iring  women  suvnts  Nobs  mite  easy  do  without  em : 
1  not  send  them  to  Hinjy  P— which  if  I  'd  been  on  the  spot 
1  d  have  thanked  this  here  bold  writer,  and  have  eckerd  his  Y  not 

We  're  most  on  us  big  fellers,  far  above  the  standard  ite 
And  to  crush  them  Bengal  Tigers  all  like  lions  brave  we  'd  fite  • 
I  ei  re  S°od.oarTes  m&  constitutions,  &  oncommon  breadth  o'  shouder 
I  And  trom  avink  it  upon  our  eds  we  're  used  to  smelling  powder  • 
H  e  re  used  to  hidius  Youniforms,  which  our  livery's  a  disgrace 
lo  them  as  might  be  Eroes  now  if  they  but  change  their  place  • 
i  At!!(l,as,for  tp,6™ tnere  baynits  we  could  use 'em  at  a  Push, 
Wich  them  blacks  wood  show  white  feathers  when  we  charged  M  in 

the  Bush. 

'So  all  you  GalUant  Footmin,  from  the  suthud  and  the  norrud, 
nd  the  eastud  and  the  westud,  now  I  opes  as  you'l  come  forrud! 
Here  s  good  bittiwations  open  if  you're  milinktry  inclined 
And  a  preshus  sight  more  Honrable  than  them  you  leaves  beind'- 
For  the  best  of  British  flunkies  it  t  certiu?  can't  demean 
Ip  leave  a  menial  suwice  for  the  Service  of  the  QUEEN  ! 
Ihere  s  good  pay  if  you  are  mussnary,  there's  Glory  in  addition 
id  who  d  not  lend  a  &  to  send  them  miscreents  to  perdition  ? 


- aour  ne     n       us, 

While  your  limbs  r  Mont  &  stalwart  phlunkey  work  is  a  disgrace, 
And  wile  you  serve  your  country  you'll  b  never  out  of  ] 
Which  to  show  you  're  Liyal  Subjex,  and  avc  arts  both  staunch  &  true, 
England  \p(.x  (all(i  So  joes  i)  as  you'l  now  go  and  do! 

lo  Ems!  thm,  gaUiantPhootmen!  cut  the  Flush  each  mother's  Sun! 
Tell  the  nobs  as  with  their  liweries  you 've  been  it  gone,  &  done. 
As  flunkeys,  with  llotheller  say,  your  hockr;  ;  me, 

As  bojers  there 's  more  need  of  you,  &  Wengeancc  spurs  you  on. 
To  Itms  !  then,  Gallink  Footmen  !  you've  bi?  hearts,  and  boddiea  able 
For  to  go  where  Glory  waits  you,  which  it  duzzent  wait  at  table. 
0  rarnt  'objeck  to  travle'  at  them  brntes  to  have  a  sin 
Witch  after  doing  nothink  active  service  you  '11  cnjy. 
Turn  no  deaf  ears  to  my  calling— you  '11  b'ut  find  as'  I  y 
Like  the  ffost  of  Amlet's  father  in  a  crying  'Liist  !  ()  'I . 
Theres  injuicement  for  to  come  out  in  the  millinktery  line, 
And  to  do  the  State  some  Suvrice  now  the  hanny  yo'u  should  jine ; 
Leave  the  pantry  for  the  napsack— show  you've  strength  as  well  as  nerve 
lor  to  punnish  them  wile  rebbels  in  the  way  as  they  deserve. 
3f  those  Murderers  who  spared  not  as  unsparing  be  the  slorter, 
lis  Justice  bids  as  them  who  gave  should  not  be  givn  no  ^. 
The  Nation  now  enroused  as  it  were  rarely  roused  before, 
At  them  tigers  has  cried  Av  ELOCK  !  and  let  slip  the  dogs  of  Wor. 
Which  till  those  etrocious  raskles  all  is  made  to  sing  Peccavy, 
There/s  one  as  wont  be  heasy — wiz. 

"  JOHN  TOMMtTS  OF  BELOBWY." 


A  MEDL/EVAL  BAUBLE. 

AMONG  the  antiquities  in  the  Exhibition  of  choice  handiworks  at 
Manchester,  in  Wall-case  U,  is  enumcintcd  n  curious  horse-headed 
pastoral  staff,  contributed  by  CARDINAL  WISEMAN.  We  should  like 
to  know  the  history  of  this  object.  Conjecture  will  naturally  assign 
the  horse-headed  staff  to  the  ''Boy-Bishop"  who,  in  the  middle-ages, 
used  to  be  elected  on  ST.  NICHOLAS'S  day,  or  on  the  eve  of  that  festi- 
val—Si. NICHOLAS  having  been,  and  being  stiU,  we  suppose,  accprding 
to  those  who  believe  in  mediteval  saints,  the  patron  saint  of  children. 
He  is  said,  bv  the  way,  to  have  other  clients  than  infants ;  but  we  will 
not  too  plainly  allude  to  them,  because  we  suppose  that  CARDINAL 
WISEMAN  himself  governs  Middlesex  and  the  adjacent  counties  under 
Hie  patronage  of  his  canonized  namesake,  and  we  should  be  loath  to 
even  seem  to  cast  such  an  unwarrantable  imputation  on  his  clerical 
3imracter  as  to  hint  that  his  Eminence  was  in  any  way  connected  with 
the  fraternity  of  ST.  NICHOLAS'S  Clerks.  Such  an  insinuation,  indeed, 
would  be  directly  contrary  to  a  suspicion  which  we  have  very  strong 
reasons  for  entertaining. 

If  the  horse-headed  staff  above  mentioned  belonged  to  a  boy-bishop, 
no  doubt  it  was  carried  by  the  juvenile  prelate  in  the  way  in 
ch  the  majority  of  lively  young  gentlemen  would  carry  a  stick 
having  a  similar  ornament  on  the  top  of  it.  Of  course  the 
boy-bishop  used  to  carry  the  staff  in  such  a  manner  as  to  give  it 
the  appearance  of  carrying  himself;  was  accustomed  to  hold  it 
near  the  head,  passing  it  lengthwise  behind  him,  and'between  his 
legs.  Perhaps  this  staff  is  the  identical  Art  Treasure  alluded  to  in  a 
venerable  nursery  rhyme  which  makes  mention  of  a  pilgrimage  to  the 
Cross  of  Banbury,  achieved  on  a  Cock-horse.  The  pilgrim  was  a 
boy-bishop ;  he  rode  through  the  air ;  the  ride  was  miraculous  :  it  was 
performed  on  a  horse-headed  pastoral-staff:  and  this  is  the  relic. 
It  is  not  for  us  to  lift  the  veil  of  secrecy  behind  which  CARDINAL 
WISEMAN  has  a  right  to  indulge  in  his  private  recreations:  but  we 
cannot  help  imagining  that  we  see  the  horse-headed  staff  behind  that 
veil,  between  a  pair  of  red-stockings.  What  then  ?  The  amusement 
is  perfectly  innocent ;  and  to  give  up  a  plaything,  for  several  months, 
to  be  exhibited  for  the  entertainment  of  others,  is  being  very  good- 
natured.  It  may,  however,  be  said  in  a  sense,  that  in  sending  his 
liorse-headed  staff  to  the  Manchester  Exhibition  the  CARDINAL  does 
not  altogether  cease  to  ride  his  hobby. 


An  Expert  Dentist. 

A  GERMAN  CARTWHIGHT  (HERE  STUMPF)  winds  up  a  programme 
of  his  extraordinary  merits  by  the  following  boastful  recommendation  : 

"P.S.  Gentlemen  Professors,  Students,  and  others,  need  not  be 
under  any  needless  alarm  that  it  is  at  all  necessary  for  them  during 
the  dental  operation,  to  put  aside  their  beloved  pipes.  On  the  con- 
trary, they  may  continue  smoking  with  the  most  blissful  impunity  and 
they  will  only  find  that,  between  two  whiffs  of  tobacco,  their  tooth  has 
quietly  gone  ! ! ! " 


166 


PUNCH,   OR  THELONDON   CI 


BOWKB,  vrno  is  roxr.   or  KICK  Tiireris   FOR  BREAKFAST,  AND  SOME-HUES  MARKETS   TOR   HIMSELF,  BECOMES  AS    OBJECT    OF 
INTEREST,  FROM  HAVING  LAID  IN  A  FEW  BLOATERS,  ASD  HALF-A-POUSD  or  FRI:  ,DGB  SAUSAGES  FROM  BOM  bTBi 

WHICH  SAUSAGES  AND  BLOATERS  ARE  IN  ms  COAT-POCKET  ! 


AN    INDIAN    PARABLE. 

A  FATHER  had  a  son,  to  whom  he  showed  much  favour  and  kindness, 
ruid  i he  youth,  though  headstrong  and  careless,  was  brave,  generous, 
and  kind.  To  this  boy  the  father  presented  a  beautiful  garden,  and 
also  a  number  of  animals.  There  were  dogs,  which  would  have  been 
r.bedient  and  faithful  if  kept  under  discipline  and  fed  with  proper  food, 
there  were  also  rabbits,  which  were  to  be  fed  from  the  produce  of  the 
:  ,  and  there  were  other  creatures,  all  requiring  attention  and 
The  boy  did  many  good  things  on  his  property,  he  made  a  tank 
for  water,  and  new  paths,  and  rustic  bridges,  and  he  broke  in  the  dogs, 
(though  he  over-indulged  them  until  they  became  dainty),  and  he  took 
some  care  for  the  rabbits  and  weaker  things,  though  not  so  much  as 
he  should  have  done,  for  in  some  bad  weather,  when  he  could  not  go 

However,  on  the  whole,  he 
,en,  and  his  stock.    But  some 


selfish  Tradesmen,  who  cared  for  nothing  but  gain,  got  his  ear,  and  he 


to  them,  many  were  starved  to  death. 
\v;is  inclined  to  do  his  best  with  his  gard 


happened.  And  his  heart  was  too  full  to  let  him  eat,  and  he  sat  m 
the  house  for  a  whole  day,  eating  and  drinking  nothing,  but  trying  to 
read  good  books.  And  lie  relieved  some  poor  people,  and  listened  to 
the  good  words  of  his  elders. 

But  was  that  all  he  did  ?  When  he  had  thus  Pasted,  and  Humiliated 
himself,  did  he  let  the  tradesmen  have  his  garden  again  ?  "Would  that 
have  shown  his  earnestness,  do  you  think  ?  When  he  had  killed  all  the 
savage  dogs,  and  buried  them  in  a  dunghill,  and  had  comforted  Jus 
brothers  and  sisters,  and  brought  the  place  into  order  again,  if  he  let 
things  go  on  as  before,  would  he  not  have  been  a  hypocrite  and  a  tool  t 
Of  course,  he  would.  And  as  he  is  not  those  bad^  things,  but  a  brave 
and  kind  fellow,  ii 

the  tradesmen  out  of  the  garden  when  they  dared  to  come  back,  trained 
some  younger  dogs  to  be  real  protectors  and  friends,  and  took  care 
that  the  humbler  animals  should  be  cared  for.  And  as  he  could  not 


always  be  attending  to  his  garden,  for  he  has  French,  and  Italian,  and 
liussian,  and  Spanish  studies  to  mind,  besides  having  a  house  of  his 


r,  in  spite  of  his  errors,  I  hope  to  tell  you,  another  time, 
i-ay  the  half-witted  lad  to  the  asylum  for  idiots,  lacked 


they  pampered  the  dogs  because  they  thought  the  animals  would 


but  a  determination  to  do  good  for  the  future,  that  induced  him  to 


and  Humiliate  himself.    For  sorrow,  without  reform,  is  mere 
sentimentality,  and  people  who  show  it  are. Humbugs. 


protect  the  property  from  other  spoilers!  tear  that  all  is  going  on  well. 

One  day  the  dogs  broke  their  chains,  and  began  to  commit  dreadful  ,  Then,  you  see,  he  will  «how  that^was^not  mere .shame and  sorrow, 
havoc.  Some  of  the  little  brothers  and  sisters  of  the  lad  were  in  the 
garden,  and  the  savage  beasts  ilc.w  at  them  and  tore  them  cruelly,  and 
all  the  gentler  creatures  in  the  place  ran  hither  and  thither  terrified. 
And  the  boy,  who  had  left  the  care  of  his  garden  to  a  weak  • 
lad,  who  was  the  tool  of  the  tradesmen,  suddenly  heard  what  was 
happening,  and  he  rushed  out  in  a  terrible  fury,  with  his  double-bar 
relied  gun  in  his  hand,  and  he  shot  the  abominable  dogs  dead,  or  else 
hanged  them,  very  properly.  And  he  did  all  in  his  power  to  heal  the 
wounds  of  his  brothers  and  sisters,  and  pulled  out  his  pocket-money  to 
present  to  them,  and  gave  them  what  comfort  he  could. 

Then  he  wished  to  show  his  Father  how  sorry  he  was  for  what  had 


Police  Regulation. 

LADIES  are  requested  to  keep  in  a  single  line  on  either  side  of  the 
streets,  walking  in  succession  one  after  the  other,  in  order  that,  there 
may  be  a  possibility  of  passing  them  without  the  danger  oi  being, 
entangled  in  their  clothes. 


t'r:ni(d  br  WIUIniii  Btsdborr,  of  No.  13.  Unp-r  Wobitrn  Place,  and  Vredrrick  Mullen  ETUI,  at  No.  19,  Queen'l  IU>ad  WeM,  Be«nt'i  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  SI.  Pancrai.  In  the  Count;  o, 
rTi.tet..  .t  their  OBce  10  Lomb.ro!  Street,  in  the  Precinc.  oi  Whitefriar.,  in  the  City  of  London,  and  PublUbed  br  them  at  No.  *,  fleet  Street,  in  U.  PurUh  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  Utjr  o( 
London.— Si'.vknAt.  October  17.  1*67. 


OCTOBER  24,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


167 


PINDAR  AT  NEWMAUM.i. 

V«KEE  DOODLE  came  to  town 
~  i  a  little  pony, 

he's  brought  a  big  mare  down, 
and  strong,  and  bony. 


Young  Lady  (loq.)  "  Not  muck  beauty  at  the  Crystal  Palace  this  morning." 


,vw 

jfhJnSj    -n  by  a  noodle  : 
AmtlauK    -  .s-ariwitch 
^  inning  the  Cu     n 
See  our  Yankee  J>°°Me- 

[lacing  men,  in  diaries          ^5 

Where  they  note  their  li*. 
Write  how  smartly  Prioress 

Licked  them  British  osses. 
JONATHAN,  let 's  liquor  on 

This  new  uniting  fetter  ; 
Always  a  good  friend  to  JOHN, 

Now  you  've  grow'd  a  Better. 


NO  GRIST  IN   A  COTTON  MILL. 

THE  suggestion  was  made  by  one  of  our  most  ardent 
lovers  of  art  that,  at  the  closing  of  the  Art-Treasures' 
Show,  Manchester  should  send  invitations  to  all  the  artists, 
English,  and  foreign,  whose  works  had  contributed  EO 
largely  to  the  glory  of  the  Pcnge-Hill  Exhibition.  It  was  ' 
to  have  been  a  grand  artistic  fete  of  all  Nations.  It 
would  have  been  a  glorious  Social  Congress  of  all  the 
R.A.'s  in  the  Academic  world.  However,  the  notion  was 
not  carried  out,  and  "because  Manchester,  you  know  i- 
I)AVID  ROBERTS)  is  not  exactly  what  you  may  call  an 
inviting  town." 

Our  National  Defences. 

SOME  public-house  patriot  was  repeating  the  old  National 
boast  that  "  an  Englishman's  House  is  his  Castle."  "  I  am  ' 
not  so  positive  about  that,"  said  a  critic  of  the  Westminster  \ 
Review  ;  "  but  I  am  sure  that  an  '  Englishwoman's  Dress  it  I 
Her  Castle  ; '  for  it  is  such  an  enormous  size  now,  that  it  j 
is  morally  and  physically  impossible  for  any  one,  friend  or 
enemy,  to  come  near  her ! " 


A    WORD    OF    TRUTH    FOR    US,    EVEN    FROM 
A    MAN. 

"To  MR.  PUNCH,  Sin, 

"I  WAS  perfectly  disgusted  the  other  day  [by  a  letter  in  the 
Times  signed  by  'LLLINOR  '—but  I  do  not  believe  a  woman  ever  wrote 
a  word  of  it — attributing  to  women  extravagance  in  matters  of  dress, 
and  calling  upon  us  to  spend  less  on  our  clothes — in  fact  to  go  without 
new  tilings  this  autumn  altogether — and  give  the  money  to  the  Fund 
for  the  relief  of  the  Indian  sufferers. 

"The  letter  was  printed  in  large  letters,  and  I  dare  say  the  editor 
chuckled  very  much  over  it,  and  thought  it  nfine  thing  to  get  a  letter, 
•.rd  with  a  woman's  name— as  he  would  say  in  his  slang  mannish 
-'  pitching  into '  women.    But,  I  repeat,  I  don't  believe  it  was 
written  by  a  woman,  not  a  word  of  it.    1  have  no  doubt  it  came  from 
sonn  /fed  icrctch  who  is  always  grumbling  at  his  poor  wife's 

milliner's  and  dressmaker's  bills,  for  the  few  things  she  absolutely 
cannot  get  on  without— one,  perhaps,  who  grudges  her  even  her 
wretched  allowance,  and  shuffles  about  every  petty  £12  10*.  cheque  as 
the  quarter-day  comes  round — for  I  am  certain  lie  does  not  allow  her 
more  than  150  a-year.  Relieving  the  Indian  sufferers  is  all  very  well, 
but  suppose,  instead  of  calling  upon  women  to  give  up  their  little  in- 
ii  i  he  way  of  dress — I'm  sure  it's  much  more  (or  the  men  that 
we  dress  than  for  ourselves,  whether  married  or  single— the  men  were 
to  give  up  some  of  their  expensive,  bad,  low  habits — their  cigars,  for 
example,  or  their  curious  and  particular  wines  ;  or  their  little  dinners 
at  the  C 'lul,  or  their  share  of  a  drag  to  the  Derby,  or  any  other  of  the 
thousand  and  one  expensive  pleasures  in  which  they  are  in  the  habit  of 
indulging  apart  from  their  wives. 

"  Talk  of  our  extravagance,  indeed  !  People  make  a  nighty  fuss  about 
the  Milliner's  bills  of  a  certain  bankrupt's  wife.  "Well,  and  if  she 
was  a  well-dressed  woman — I  svippose  it  was  her  milliner's  bills  that 
fv.iiied  her  husband  ?  I  should  like  to  know  how  people — even  men — 
dare  attribute  this  man's  having  got  through  £230,000  to  his  irifi'x 
,  when  it  was  proved 'in  Court,  that  even  her  milliners' 
bills  didn't,  r.ttved  £3000?  But  that  is  n'lrum  the  way  with  men. 
They  t  hiuk  nothing  of  the  money  they  fling  away  in  selfish,  and  too  often 


degrading  pleasures ;  but  let  a, poor  wife  express  &icish  for  a  new  bonnet, 
or  a  dress  jit  to  be  seen  in,  and  it  is  at  once  grunts,  and  sulks,  and  talk 
about  'icoinen's'  extravagance. 

"  And  then,  as  if  it  wasn't  enough  to  have  the  men  talking  such 
stuff,  out  must  come  this  ridiculous  'ELLINOR'  in  the  Times,  for  all 
the  men  to  cast  up  to  us,  and  say,  '  Look,  here 's  one  of  your  own  sex 
at  vou,  at  last ! '  That  was  exactly  what  my  husband  said.  However, 
as  I  said,  I  don't  believe  'ELLINOR'  is  a  woman  at  all.  I  believe  it's 
that  MR.  JACOB  OMNIUM,  wlw,  I  understand,  writes  the  greater  part 
of  the  Times,  under  various  aliases. 

"  I  maintain  that,  instead  of  spending  too  mvch  of  our  husband's 
money,  our  allowances,  at  a  rule,  whether  for  house-keeping  or  for 
re  far  too  shablij.  We  are  kept  perpetually  on  the  fret  to  make 
both  ends  meet.  I'm  sure  the  struggle  I  have  with  my  tradesman's 
books  every  week  nobody  would  believe!  Of  course,  it's  very  easy 
for  men  to  laugh,  and  say  it 's  because  we  don't  understand  arith- 
metic. I  only  wish  they  understood  ready-money  dealing,  and  not 
gelling  into  debt,  as  well  as  we  understand  compound  addition, 
subtraction,  multiplication,  and  division. 

"  I  believe  if  ELLINOR  really  wants  to  give  advice  that  trill  end  in 
taring,  she  ought  to  advise  all  the  married  men  to  give  their  cheque-books 
and  their  banker' s-books  to  their  wives,  and  bring  them  their  money,  and 
let  them  keep  it,  and  pay  it  in,  and  draw  it  out,— in  short,  to  make  the 
women  paymasters  and  cashiers,  and  the  husbands  to  receive  quarterly 
.'•e»  for  pocket-money,  from  their  wives,  instead  of  paying  their 
poor  wives  miserably  insufficient  allowances  for  dress,  as  is  their  usual 
practice. 

"  1  have  no  doubt  the.  saving  in  incomes  that  would  thus  be  produced, 
would  not  only  leave  a  handsome  contribution  to  the  Indian  Relief  Fund, 
at  the  end  of  the  first  year,  but  would,  in  a  very  short  time,  pay  off 
the  National  Debt,  if  it  could  be  appropriated  to  that  purpose,  particu- 
larly, if  the  wife  had,  in  erery  ease,  the  option  of  determining  irhat 
alkiiraiice  slie  would  make  her  husband  for  pocket-money  and  clothes. 
I  was  very  glad  indeed  to  find  a  man,  an  admission  of  our 

essentially  economical  nature  and  liubils.  To  be  sure,  it  was  from  an 
American,— the  inhabitant  of  a  country  where  there  has  been  some 
sli/iht  progress  made  towards  recognition  of  the  rights  of  our  sex.  I 
trust,  MI".  Punch,  man  as  you  are,  that  you  will  not  be  mean  enough  to 


VOL.  xxxiii. 


JOS 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  24,  1857. 


throw -this  letter  into  your  waste-paper-liaslcet,  or  refuse  to  print— I 
should  prefer  capital  letters— this  passage  to  which  I  refer,  from  this 
enltgUeutil  American  writer. 


_.„_  .  i  -f  ,1    _  "  ri\v:irrantaDlo  extravagance  111  tui» 

™y™,      „  uuiYereally  careful,  and  many  :i  trader  wouM 

,  :'  "!         he  l»rt  listened  to  the  prudent  counsels  of  b,s 

mptings  of  ).l»  own  ambition.     It  .3  natural  for 

:  u,        ..ft  th.m.s|,.>nsibi]ity  of  their  l,,lly  to  other  shoulders, 

f,         charge  a  commercial  revu'.iion  like  this  upon  one  s  wile 

rk  Paper." 

\  'j,/'""  ,  1  think  the  passage  ou8ht»t,o  b?  /»•«//«/  in  letters  of 
.<»g   "P  over  «?«ry    double-led  in   England,  between  the 

"lam,  JMX  P*?w:4 

"  lour  constant  reader, 

"A  VICTIM." 


PINNER-TABLE  TALK. 

ni  Paris  Correspondent  informs  us 
that  the  next  edition  of  the  little 
book,  "  Comnie  on  Dine  a  Paris,"  is 
to  be  dedicated  to  LORD  COWLEY. 
It  will  contain  a  new  chapter  en- 
titled, "  Comme  on  dine,  tant  bien,  quc 
mal,  chez  I' Amlassadeur  de  I'Angle- 
terre."  An  original  bill  of  fare  is  to 
be  given.  The  fac-simile  has  been 
handed  round  to  the  different  hotels 
of  the  other  embassies,  and  uni- 
versally admired  for  its  truthfulness. 
It  consists  of  a  handsome  sheet  of 
blank  paper.  It  is  the  very  same 
entertainment  that  the  munificent 
representative  of  HER  BRITAHNIC 
MAJESTY  gave  more  than  once  to  the 
various  talented  juries  and  commit- 
tees that  were  assembled  in  Paris,  to  do  honour  to  British  art  and 
science,  in  the  year  of  the  Great  Exposition.  As  a  literal  reproduction, 
the  copy,  perhaps,  has  never  been  surpassed. 


JOURNEYMEN    PARSONS'    WAGES. 

A  SPECIES  of  servants'  office,  calling  itself  Registry  for  Curates, 
publishes  a  list  of  vacant  curacies  for  the  present  month  "  under  the 
sanction  of  the  ARCHBISHOPS  OF  CANTERBURY  and  YORK."  How 
those  two  most  reverend  prelates  can  sanction  anything  of  the  kind, 
we  cannot  imagine:  for,  besides  other  particulars,  the  stipends  of 
all  the  curacies  that  have  any  are  stated,  and  some  of  the  curacies  are 
described  as  having  no  stipend  at  all.  It  is  quite  clear  that,  in  learning 
to  write,  the  archbishops  never  learned  the  proverb  which  informs 
most  people  that  comparisons  are  odious ;  for,  if  they  were  aware  of 
that  adage,  they  never  would  have  willingly  allowed  the  publication  of 
a  document  which  cannot  fail  of  provoking  comparisons  between  the 
highest  and  the  lowest  ecclesiastical  revenues.  In  the  diocese  of 
Peterborough,  there  is,  according  to  this  register,  a  curacy  with  290 
souls  to  cure,  and  I  he  superadded  duty  of  "  tuition  of  16  boys  "—at  a 
stipend  of  €80.  In  that  of  York  there  is  one  which  differs  so  widely 
from  an  archbishopric,  that,  whilst,  the  population  amounts  to  3000 
;.rnd  amounts  to  nothing.  The  old  gentleman  who  looks  from 
'icdral  tower  of  Lincoln  over  the  surrounding  country,  beholds 
therein  a  curacy,  the  stipend  of  which,  like  that  first  mentioned,  is 
( if  t  he  curate's  house  to  be  taken  at  a  valuation  of 
must  amuse  the,  old  gentleman,  because  it  is 

an  awkward  attempt,  to  cheat  him  by  selling  a  spiritual  office  without 
;.!>le  simony.     In  this  case,  the  population  is  100  ;  so  j 
t'lat  the  :   eh  oonstrtnie  it  are  cured  at  Us.  per  animam  per ' 

annum,  which  is  much  above  the  average  of  curates'  wages,  estimated  ' 
'ortion  to  curates'  work.    The   high   valuation  at,  which  the' 
ire  is  to  be  taken  indicates  one  of  two  things:  either  that  the 
miished  house,  or  else  that  the  vicar  or  rector 
it,  ro'.'ue.    The  diocese  of  Chichester  contains  a  curacv 
ilircbraical,    for  the   quantity  of  the   stipend 
to  be  less  than    nothing,  as   it   is  the  sum   of  £26  i 
mtnus  the  payment  of  all  rates  and  taxes  in  respect  of  the  Hector's 
properl 

lerborough,  again,  there  is  a  curate's  place  vacant  altogether, 
without  stipend,  and  with  nothing  whatever  to  remunerate  clerical  1 


attendance  on  a  population  of  1027,  but  "vegetables,  the  use  of  a  cow, 
and  one  or  two  servants  as  might  be  required."  In  Ely  there  is  an 
absolutely  wonderful  curacy.  With  a  population  of  2210,  the  stipend 
is  £2  2*.  for  two  mouths,  and  the  curate,  "if  married,  must  not  liave 
family."  "The  labourer  is  not  worthy  of  his  hire,"  and  "  Suffer  not 
Intle'ehildren,"  &c.,  are  apparently  the  maxims  of  the  incumbent  in 
this  instance.  As  the  curate  "must  not  have  family,"  would  he,  il, 
be-in;:  u  husband,  he  should  happen  to  become  a  father  also  before  the 
expiration  of  the  two  months,  torfeit  his  stipend?  This  point  it,  would 
behove  any  curate  to  whom  two  guineas  are  of  consequence,  that  is  to 
say.  many  a  curate,  to  ascertain;  for  such  a  clergyman,  with  a  wife  in 
an  interesting  situation,  would  have  to  think  well  before  taking  that 
extremely  queer  curacy  in  the  diocese  of  Ely. 

Among  curacies  of  which  the  candidate  is  informed  that  "  titles  can 
be  given  in  the  following  cases,"  there  is  one  in  York,  whereof  the 
stipend  is  £1-0 ;  the  population  being  2,000 :  so  that  the  wages  of  this 
place  are  abput  2s.  3d.  a-day.  To  the  cure  of  5,000  souls  in  Sarum,  no 
temptation  is  attached  in  the  shape  of  filthy  lucre:  "a  Residence" 
only  being  offered,  which  we  might  suppose  to  be  the  gaol,  but  that 
the  cure  of  souls  extra  natros  would  be  impossible  to  the  incarcerated 
curate. 

From  the  facts  and  figures  above  quoted,  the  difference  between  a 
curacy  and  a  living  is  placed  in  a  strong  light ;  for  it  is  quite  clear 
that  many  curacies  are  employments  by  which  the  employed  cannot 
live.  It  'is  also  manifest  that  not  a  few  incumbents  hire  a  curate 
principally  in  order  that,  he  may  illustrate  evangelical  doctrine  for  them 
by  his  life,  in  being  content  without  riches,  and  may  thus  take  the 
most  disagreeable  part  of  their  duty  off  their  hands.  In  hiring  curates, 
we  wonder  that  master-clergymen  do  not  adopt  the  course  of  some 
farmers,  and  resort  to  an  ecclesiastical  statute-fair,  at  which  candidates 
for  curacies  might  present  themselves  with  tickets  in  their  hats, 
marked  with  terms.  An  interesting  experiment  as  to  the  effect  of 
curate's  wages  upon  the  ordinary  run  of  servants  might  be  tried,  but, 
for  several  difficulties.  Take  a  footman  with  a  fine  aquiline  nose,  get 
him  ordained,  make  him  exchange  his  plush  and  shoulder-knot  for 
surplice  and  bands,  the  back  of  the  carriage  for  the  pulpit,  and  the 
servants'  hall  for  the  curates'  residence.  Instead  of  waiting  at  table, 
set  him  to  work  at  reading,  preaching,  baptizing,  marrying,  burying, 
and  visiting  the  sick.  Give  him  curate's  wages  for  those  which  lie 
received  as  a  lackey,  and  compel  him  to  labour  for  them  in  the  church- 
vineyard  during  twelve  months.  At  the  end  of  that  time,  examine  his 
nose,  and  see  whether  it  has  not,  from  having  been  continually  turned 
up  at  his  stipend,  become  permanently  snubbed,  and  converted  from  an 
aristocratic  aquiline  into  a  plebeian  png. 


GLEANINGS  EfiOM  A  PADDY  HELD. 

Ax  old  song  makes  mention  of  a  certain — 

'*  PADDYWHACK  just  come  fiom  Cork, 

With  his  coat  nately  buttoned  behind  him." 

The  memory  of  that  ancient  lay  will  perhaps  be  awakened  by  the 
following  advertisement  extracted  from  a  Cork  newspaper : — 

GAME  NOTICE. 

rrHE  EARL  OF  NORBURY  requests  that  no  one  will  Poach  ou  his 
-L  Estate  (CARHIGMORE)  without  an  order  from  him  in  writing.  (3902) 

"What  animal  will  the  PRINCE  CONSORT  exhibit  at  the  next  Cattle 
show  that  will  beat  the  EARL  OF  NORBURY'S  Prize  i 

Here  is  another  remarkable  advertisement,  culled,  likewise,  from  one 
of  the  Cork  journals  : — 

WANTED,  BOARD  AND  RESIDENCE. 

1  N  a  Respectable  Family,  by  a  Single  Gentleman,  who  will  pay  liberally, 
L  where  there  are  no  marriageable  daughters.  Apply,  by  letter,  to  K..  Hnil'i 
Reporter  Office.  (2473.) 

Iii  this  notification  there  is,  to  be  sure,  no  absolute  nonsense,  though 
some  difficulty  may  be  experienced  in  understanding  its  drift.  What 
can  be  the  author's  objection  to  marriageable  daughters  in  a  boarding- 
house  ?  Perhaps  he  has  been  made  the  victim  of  some  marriageable 
daughter  lo  whom,  like  a  fool,  he  afforded  grounds  of  an  action  for 
breach  of  promise  of  marriage.  Perhaps  he  cannot,  help  being  such  a 
fool  under  circumstances  of  temptation.  Perhaps 

"  Love  is  the  soul  of  this  nato  Irishman  ; 
He  loves  all  that  is  lovely,  loves  all  that  ha  can  ; " 

and  is  unable  to  restrain  himself  from  making  offers  of  which  he 
afterwards  repents,  and  for  which  he  suffers.  Perhaps,  like  the 
American  Editor  whose  fatal  gift  of  handsomeness  obliged  him  to  catry 
a  stick  to  keep  the  ladies  off,  he  is  such  an  Adonis  as  to  be  subject  to 
be  mobbed  by  the  softer  sex ;  so  that  in  a  boarding-house  wherein 
there  are  any  marriageable  daughters,  he  is  prevented  from  enjoying 
his  board  by  their  troublesome  caresses. 


OCTOBER  24,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CIIAHIYAIU. 


169 


THE    MEMBER    TO    PAY. 

CUKIOUS   legislatorial   experi- 
ment   is,  according    to   the 
Papers,  about  to  be  tried  at 
Greenwich.       The     Radical 
electors   there    having  made 
two  exceedingly  practii 
against  a  pi  opert;. 
m  by  voting  for  a  M  u. 
-.11,  who  did  not  get  in, 
and  for  a    Mi:. 
v.l  KI  did,  and  has  sinn 
made   a   bankrupt,  are,   we 
read,   about  to  euion 
doctrine  of  paying  .Mr 
of    Parliament,    by    putting 
MK.  TO«XSKXI>  on  a 
\Ve  (In  not  hear  the 
at     which     the    honourable 
member's  services  are  to  lie 
estimated,  but  it  ought  to  be 
a  good  one,  for  t  •  uling  such  a  constituency  as  that  of  Greenwich  is  certainly  some- 

thing for  which  even  an  undertaker,  (such,  we  arc  apprised,  is  ME.  TOWNSEXD  s  social  »tatu) 
ought,  to  be  compensated.  He  tins  ;us  it  may,  we  hope  that  he  will  insist  upon  quarterly  or 
half.yenrh  of  his  order.  It  could  not  be  pleasant  for  an  under- 

taker and  statesman  of  delicate  0  have  to  take  hit  money  weekly,  with  comments 

from  his  emplo\crs  as  to  the  mode  in  which  the  hebdomadal  guerdon  had  been  earned. 
Imagine  a  politician  being  addressed  across  a  table:  "There's  your  money,  i'owxsEXD. 
and  we  have  made  no  deduction  for  your  staying  away  from  the  muse  on  Ihm 
because  you  say  you  had  a  bad  cold,  and  wanted  to  put  your  feet  in  hot  water:  or, 
"  Tow  NSKHD,  you  were  not  in  your  place  until  seven  o'clock  on.  Tuesday,  nor  until  eight  on 
Friday.  We  don't  want  to  be  hard  upon  you,  but  a  bargain,  is  a  bargain."  Or,  even  more 
pleasantly:  "Mil.  Towxsii.xn,  you  will  find  a  hextra  trifle  in  that  bit  of  paper,  aa  a  small 


acknowledgment  of  the  way  you  came  out  on 
Hindia."    Moreover,  will  the  honourable 
taker  have  to  give  a  receipt,  and  if  he  is  to  be 
paid  more  than  two  pounds  a  week,  (v 
not  too  much,  considering  omnibus-hin 
will  pay  for  the  penny.stamp,  the  statesman,  or 
Grcenwieh ''. 

The   Constituency  must  think  0 
because,  unless  they  are  going  to  subsid 

what  advicc'.we  shall  give  him,  should  he  honour 
us   by  asking  it;  and  that   is,  to  be  co 
1  y  .Mil.    II  \i  1 1. u,  at    his  earliest    i 
that  any  decent  place  in  the  gift  of  ( •«•. 
is  preferable  to  being  paid  over   the   < 
with  commentaries.     And  if  MK.   T<  •• 
(who  is  an  auctioneer  as  well  as  an  undertaker) 
can  get  Greenwich  to  bid  ai  :>    l'\i.- 

MEHSTOX.  the  M.P.  ran  fairness 

run  up  the  bidding  until  he  has  done  a  good 
thing  for  himself.    At  all  events  we  h;;\ 

hint,  aud    if  the  Greenwich  folks   do 
not  l>ehave  singularly  well,  they  ought  not  to  be 
surprised  at  MB.  Tow  N 
carding  their  excessively  dirty  boi 
version  of  a  poem,  which  doubtless  he  has  often 
caused  to  be  affixed  upon  the  memorials  of  their 
relatives — He  can  date  it  from  a  1. 
bench. 

"  Weep  not  for  me,  constituents'dear, 
I  am  not  lost,  but  sitting  h. 
You  paid  me  such  a  paltry  fee, 
I  took  a  place  from  VISCOUXT  P." 


MYSTEEIES  OF  THE  CITY. 

A  GENTLEMAN  connected  with  the  Money  Market,  MR.  11.  TKE- 
DINNICK,  issues  a  v.  ular,  from  which,  amusement  as  well  ;>s 

information  appears  to  be  derivable.  Tu  one  of  these  documents 
recently  published,  we  arc  told  that  " EDWARD,  9  <o  9£,  has  become  a 
general  favourite;"  from  which  statement  the  inference  might  be 
drawn  that  Knw  LED  was  a  nice  boy.  It  is  further  stated  that 
"  KELLY  BRAY  consists  of  5,000  shares."  Everybody  has  heard  of  a 
man  made  of  money,  but  the  idea  of  a  man  made  of  shares  will  be  new 
to  most  people.  Allusion  is  also  made  to  a  certain  Old  TOLGUS,  who 
may  be  supposed  to  be  some  gentleman  advanced  in  years,  and  pro- 
bably a  fogy,  bearing  a  nickname.  "  ALFRED  COXSOLS  "  is  likewise 
mentioned,  and  some  of  our  readers  will  perhaps  surmise  that  the 
ALFRED  with  that  peculiarly  interest  ing  surname,  is  a  character  in  a 
farce,  though  "LADY  BKKTHA,"  named  a  little  farther  on,  savours 
rather  of  melo-drama.  "NORTH  FK-VXCES,"  and  "  SOUTH  FRAXCF.S," 
are  among  the  names  specified:  and  they  seem  inversions  of 
nomenclature ;  Christian  names  and  surnames  standing  in  the  relation 
of, 'cart  to  horse,  or  cart  to  mare,  the  vehicle  placed  before  the  quadru- 
ped. We  are  informed  that  "  GREAT  ALFRED  sold  last  Thursday 
£1,203  worth  of  copper  ore."  Who  is  GREAT  ALFRED?  it  will  be 
naturally  inquired.  Is  our  second  ALFRED  THE  GREAT.a  great  copper- 
I  merchant,  or  a  great  auctioneer,  or  a  great  w 

This  curious  circular,  moreover,  abounds  in  very  strange  and  mys- 
terious expressions.  For  instance,  "The  10  end  men  are  rising  against 
the  winze,  sinking  below  the  adit— both  in  orey  ground."  Some  sus- 
picion may  be  entertained  that  MR.  TKEDISKICK'S  orthography  is 
what  the  drapers  call  inferior,  whilst  those  who  feel  that  misgiving 
will  at  the  same  time  wonder  what  he  can  possibly  mean  by  the 
announcement  that  sixteen  end  men  are  rising  against  the  winds. 
Can  an  insurrection  be  the  thing  intended,  or  a  strike?  —  but 
the  winds  are  no  authorities;  neither  do  they  constitute  a  firm  or 
a  Co.  The  doubt  about  the  spelling  of  MR.  T.  will  be  materially 
increased  by  the  perusal  of  his  subsequent,  remark  that  "IVn.nicK  is 
also  looking  better;"  1'  ing  conceived  to  be  the  peculiarly 

'led  MART 
regarded 

,  , appearance 

of  being  replete  with  slang,    ,  .    following  sentence  maybe 

thought  to  present  examples.  "At,  St.  Day  United  a  stope  above  the 
124  is  valued  for  tin  at  SI  per  fathom."  We  know  the  meaning  of  tin; 
but  what  is  a  stope  ?  By  this  time  the  reader  will  want,  to  know,  what 
the  odd  statements  above  quoted  really  relate  to,  unless  he  knows  as 
well  as  we  do,  that  they  are  particulars  of  mining  intelligence.  We 
take  this  opportunity  of  suggesting,  that  the  authors  of  trade  circulars 
and  reports,  and  writers  of  m<  »,  should  append  a  glossary  to 

their  compositions;  and  also  that  an  enterprising  publisher  might  make 


a  good  speculation  by  bringing  out  a  Companion  for  the  City,  explain- 
ing the  technical  terms  used  in  business,  and  the  Mammon  i 
Stock  Exchange.    An  appropriate  title  for  such  a  book  woidd  be,  "  The 
Commercial  Slang  Dictionary." 


RHODOMONTADE  RUN  MAD. 


E  are  wrong  to  be  annoyed  at  the  insults 
lavishly  flung  at  England  by  the  llniven. 
Spectaleur,  Gazette  de  France,  and  other  mad 
Ultramontane  papers.  Shouldn't  we  laugh 
at  the  French,  if  they  took  serious  offence 
at  any  insulting  nonsense  that  the  Record, 
or  the  Churchman,  or  the  Morning  Advertiser 
chose  to  indulge  in  at  the  expense  of 
France  ?  Bigotry  is  much  the  same  all  over 
the  world.  Its  wild  antics  are  too  ridi- 
culous for  anger,  and  should  only  provoke 
laughter  instead  of  indignation.  Rion»  ! 


MORE  REFORMS. 

THE   eminent    Jockey-Statesman,  LOUD 
DERBY,  has  given  notice  of  a  measure  for 
Turf  Reform,  which  is,  at  least,  as  1U. 
give  satisfaction  as  LORD  PAI.MEESK 

Reform  of  another  kind.  The  Earl  prop9ses,  "That  all  bets  on 
handicaps  made  previously  to  the  publication  of  the  weights  shall 
be  null  and  void."  Very  well;  but  why  not  the  Earl  and  his  party 
carry  the  same  just  principle  into  politics  ?  Why  not  decide  that 
"all  attacks  made  on  the  proceedings  of  a  Government,  until  it  is 
known  what  they  are,  shall  be  deemed  unfair  ?  "  To  be  sure,  it  would 
throw  MK.  DISRAELI  out  of  employment,  but  compensation  might  be 
arranged.  Does  not  the  Earl  want  a  helper  in  some  of  his  stables  P 
Punch  knows- nobody  who  can  toss  about  a  litter  more  vigorously  than 
BEN,  to  say  nothing  of  his  preternatural  talent  at  finding  mares'  nests. 


OKE   WHO   CLEARLY    KXOWS    HIMSELF. 

A  CELEBRATED  flute-player,  who  was  asked,  "What  is  a  Man?" 
answered  quite  naively,  "  Why,  a  man  is  a  very  stupid  animal :  at  least, 
judging,  as  far  as  one  can,  from  oneself." 

A  PLUCKY  REPLY. — A  CANDIDATE  for  the  Civil  Service,  being  asked 
to  name  the  pi  incipal  divisions  of  the  Anglo-Saxon  race,  answered, 
Epsom  and  Newmarket. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  L'4,  1857. 


Parti/  (who,  of  course,  doesn't  think  himself  good-looking}.  "  REALLY,  CLARA,  I  CAN'T  THINK  now 

UGLY  BJXUTE  AS  AN  ISLE  OP  SKYE  TERRIER  ! " 


CAN   MAKE   A  PET   OF   SUCH   AN 


THE    SEPOY     GOVERNOR-GENERAL. 

MR.  PUNC  H  has  to  acknowledge  the  receipt,  from  MR.  VERNON 
SMYJTIIK,  of  the  following  copy  of  LORD  CANNING'S  Proclamation  m 
favour  of  the  Indian  Mutineers  : — 

"The  GOVERNOR-GENERAL  in  Council  has  been  much  shocked 'and 
grieved  at  the  angry  language  which  he  regrets  to  have  seen  employed 
6y  British  officers  and  privates  in  reference  to  the  unfortunate  natives 
who  have  been  misled  into  acts  which  may  be  deplored,  but  which 
must  not  be  punished  too  severely.  It  is  unworthy  of  Englishmen  to 
use  harsh  terms  towards  those  who  have  not  Lad  the  same  advantages 
of  education  as  themselves,  lie  desires,  therefore,  that  in  any  future 
letters  mentioning  the  objectionable  conduct  alleged  to  have  been 
pursued  by  some  natives  towards  females  and  young  persons  at 
Delhi,  Cawnpore,  and  elsewhere,  the  writers  .will  avoid  irritating  and 
condemnatory  language. 

"The  GOVERNOR-GENERAL  has  learned  with  great  concern  that  when 
English  officers  and  soldiers  have  captured  any  of  the  natives  who 
have  been  misled  into  the  acts  referred  to,  these  unfortunate  persons 
have  been  tried  by  a  court-martial,  and  the  G.  G.  in  council  shudders 
to  add,  have  been  removed  from  this  life.  Such  inhuman  severity  is 
most  displeasing  to  the  G.-G.  in  council,  and  he  orders  that  in  future 
any  such  native,  if  taken  with  arms  in  his  hand,  may  be  imprisoned 
till  he  can  be  tried  by  a  jury  of  his  countrymen,  and  if  without  aims, 
that  bail  be  accepted  (his  own  will  suffice)  forjiis  going  to  Calcutta  and 
rendering  himself  up  to  the  authorities. 

"  The  GOVERNOR-GENERAL  has  perused  with  a  loathing  to  which  he 
finds  it  impossible  to  give  adequate  utterance,  the  accounts  of  some 
of  the  means  by  which  misguided  natives  have  been  compelled  to 
depart  this  life.  He  expressly  orders  that  no  native  shall  in  future  be 
hanged,  shot,  or  blown  from  a  gun,  but  that  in  the  very  few  cases  in 
which  it  can  be  necessary,  for  the  sake  of  example,  to  inflict  the  last 
penalty,  the  native's  head  shall  be  removed  while  he  is  under  the 
influence  of  chloroform,  or  of  opiates,  to  be  administered  as  kindly  as 
possible  by  the  regimental  surgeon. 
"The  GOVERNOR-GENERAL,  in  permitting  this  exceptional  exercise  ol 


a  doubtful  right,  expressly  orders  that  distinction  shall  be  made,  and 
;hat  any  native  who  offers  affidavit  upon  his  Shaster  that  he  did  not 
actually  destroy  English  women  or  children,  but  merely  pointed  them 
out,  prevented  their  escape,  or  witnessed  their  execution,  shall  be 
treated  with  the  clemency  the  G.-G.  is  eager  to  show,  and  shall  be 
dismissed  on  his  undertaking  to  explain  his  conduct  hereafter. 

"  The  GOVERNOR-GENERAL  also  impresses  upon  the  mind  of  officers, 
privates,  and  civilians,  that  it  is  very  likely  that  there  has  been  much 
exaggeration  in  the  accounts  of  the  sufferings  endured  by  ladies 
and  children  who  have  unfortunately  fallen  victims  to  the  natives'  mis- 
taken sense  of  nationality  and  religion.  There  can  really  be  nothing  so 


very  dreadful  in  death  by  the  sword  or  bayonet ;  and  the  imperfectly 
developed  organisation  ot  youth  prevents  its  enduring  so  much  as  adults 
do.  Other  details  are  probably  incorrect ;  and,  at  all  events,  until  their 


can  be  verified  by  affidavits  duly  filed  in  the  offices  of  the  Courts^of 
Law,  they  cannot  be  regarded  as  a  basis  of  rf  vengeful  operations.  The 
G.-G.  in  Council,  therefore,  enjoins  upon  the  Army  and  civilians  to 
dismiss  from  its  consideration  any  alleged  maltreatment  ot  females 
and  juveniles,  and  to  confine  itself  to  a  humane  endeavour  to  restore 
order  in  India. 

"  The  GOVERNOR-GENERAL  will  punish  with  the  utmost  severity  any 
infraction  of  the  rules  laid  down  in  this  proelamaton,  and  should  any 
Englishman  be  found  to  have  put  to  death,  or  permitted  to  be  put  to 
death,  or  not  exercised  his  utmost  endeavour  to  save,  any  unfortunate 
native,  armed  or  not,  such  Englishman  shall  be  hanged  immediately  on 
the  close  of  the  campaign. 

"  (Signed)        CANNING." 


Calcutta,  Sept.  1." 


Exit  Stultus. 


AN  extremely  foolish  contributor,  whom  we  have  sometimes  employed 
when  his  betters  were  gone  bathing,  lecturing,  pheasant-shooting,  and 
the  like,  says  that  the  lying  messages  brought  by  the  electric  wire 
make  it  perfectly  proper  to  call  the  dispatch  a  Tell-a-cram.  He  is 
discharged. 


PUNCH,  OR  THR  LONDON  CHARIVARI. -OCTOBER  24,  1857. 


THE    CLEMENCY    OF    CANNING. 

i 

GOVERXOB-GENEKAL.  "  WELL,  THEN,  THEY   SHAN'T   BLOW   HIM   FROM   NASTY   GUNS;   BUT   HE    MUST 

PROMISE   TO   BE   A   GOOD   LITTLE   SEPOY." 


OCTOBER  24,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


173 


OUR    CITY    POEM. 

E  see  that  the  poet  ALEXANDER 
SMITH,  who  reminds  us  (in  liis 
une)  of  the  poet  ALEX- 
ANDER POPE,  lias  published  recently 
some  " City  Poems"  in  a  volume 
price  five  shillings,  which  on  that 
account,  if  for  no  other,  we  may  not 
unfairly  cull  his  crowning  work. 
We  will  not  quarrel  with  his 
dealing  with  the  subject :  for  having 
yd  read  only  the  (irst  three  lines  of 
his  book,  it,  would  be  unjust  in  us 
to  speak  of  it  with  harshnc 
our  minds  the  word  "  City"  is  sug- 
ruthcr  more  of  business  than 
of  poetry,  and  there  is  no  harm  in 
our  skewing  what  kind  of  City 
Poem  we  ourselves  might  have 
produced,  had  not  M  it.  S.M  n  it  been  so  lucky  as  to  have  forestalledfus. 
Our  product  ion  will,  of  course,  be  now  complained  of  as  a  plagiary,  but 
MR.  SMITH  himself  has  been  so  much  accused  of  this,  that  we  feel 
sure  he  will  excuse  our  keeping  him  in  countenance.  \\  e  frankly  own 
that  we  have  parodied  his  opening  line,  but  its  "elegant  simplicity" 
reminded  us  of  that  for  which  the  Three  per  Cents  are  noted,  and  its 
connection  with  the  City  was  therefore  so  apparent  that  we  could  not 
but  adopt  it. 

Without  further  explanation  than  the  case  seems  to  demand,  we 
beg  the  critic's  "  kyind  indulgence  "  to  our 

CITY    POEM. 

THE  other  day  1  sat  upon,  my  chair, 

As  I  am  wont  to  do  at  breakfast-time, 

And  'tween  the  spoonfuls  of  my  second  rcrg 

->  wallowed  choice  morsels  of  my  borrowed  Times. 

With  equal  relish  sucked  1  the  contents 

Of  new-laid  shell,  and  newly-printed  sheet; 

And  inwardly  alike  digesting  both, 

Nourished  my  body  while  I  fed  my  mind. 

The  cream  of  the  Court  news  I  quickly  skimmed, 

Finding,  as  usual,  it  was  mere  sky-blue : 

Then  followed  I  the  '  leaders '  some  six  words 

(For  time  was  pressing),  and  with  sad  wry  face 

Gulped  down  a  mouthful  of  bad  Indian  news. 

Being  a  business  man,  my  appetite 

Is  keener  set  for  Trade  Intelligence, 

Than  politics,  or  home  or  foreign  news. 

With  gusto  therefore  turned  I  to  the  page 

Which  tersely  chronicles  the  rise  and  fall 

Of  funds,  and  markets,  and  those  Joint  Stock  Shares 

Wherein  I've  dabbled,  like  a  green,  grceii  goose, 

And  now  would  gladly  lave  my  hands  of  them. 

There  learnt  I  that  Consols  had  yesterday 
Opened  with  firmness  at  one-eighth  advance  ; 
But,  through  the  pressure  of  effected  sales, 
Ere  noon  they  to  their  former  price  returned, 
And  closed,  inanimate,  at  a  slight  decline. 
The  discount  market  still  continued  tight, 
Tho'  bills  on  easier  terms  were  done  ; 

Money  at  former  rates  in  brisk  demand — 
As  when,  with  me  at  any  rat  r,  is 't  not  ? 

In  railways,  banks,  and  miscellaneous  stocks 
But  little  change  that  day  had  taken  place. 

'ime  improvement  shown: 

Wheat  Kitty  "  asked  for,"  and  Wheal  Down  "more  up," 
Wheal  Alfred  iin.icr,  Lady  Bertha  brisk, 
And  bidders  too  for  my  Wheal  Mary  Ann — 
A  whi  iy  may  I  ne'er  come  to  woe ! 

The  list  of  bankrupts  anxiously  I  scanned, 
In  fear  of  meeting  some  familiar  name  ; 
Then,  much  relieved,  the  Mark  Lane  news  I  marked, 
How  the  arrivals  had  been  large  and  good, 
1  low  i'ue  best  Camples  had  with  ease  ^me  off, 
'While  for  the  worse  there  was  a  dull  demand: 
How  peas  and  beans  had  been  in  good  request 
(Bad  news  for  buyers  of  "  Pure  Wheaten  Bread"), 
And  fine  old  malt  more  money  had  obtained — 
Giving  less  hope  of  going  down  in  beer. 

The  cattle  markets  had  much  briskness  shown, 
Both  sheep  and  beasts  were  sensibly  advanced, 
But  calves  less  active,  and — more  wondrous  yet — 
There  had  been  quiet  in  the  pig-market. 
Tho  Trade  Report  but  slight  improvement  showed ; 


Irons  were  strong :  yarns,  wools  and  cottons  weak : 
Tallows  changed  hands  without  much  change  of  price: 
Some  stir  in  coals  :  in  middling  sugars  n 
Coffees  and  teas  both  -  mcd, 

Hut  rums  were  stronger:  and,  u    :  range  fact, 

UTS  hung  hcavj  in  the  holder's  hands. 
More  I  had  leained  :  but  on  such  rapid  wheels 
Time  rolU  away,  man  reads  and  has  to  run: 
1  started  up,  but  ere  my  shoes  were  tied, 
Our  one  domestic  panted  at  my  side. 
'She  's  housemaid,  cook,  and  errand  girl,  and  " nuss ") 
"  Please,  Missis  says,  you  've  been  and  missed  your  'bus  ! " 


THE  CAMELLIA  HREADALBANICA. 

,  dear  LOBD   f'n AMHKRLAIN  !    >,"ow,   belou 

Arc  you  not  a  nice  kind  of  Liccncer  of  Plays '(  Come,  come,  no  turn- 
ing up  the  aristocratic  nose  at.  a  subject  so  contemptible — the  business 
is  your  business,  and  you  arc  paid  (excuse  our  vulgarity)  singularly 
well  for  neglecting  it.  We  insist  upon  being  listened  to. 

"  \«t  hear  us.     By  your  salary,  but  you  shall ! " 

At  a  place  called  Rochester  (somewhere  in  Kent,  mj  Lord)  the 
inhabitants  were  etnsidered.to  be  in  so  stupid  and  stagnating  a  state  of 
\  irtuc,  that  it  was  thought  well  to  introduce  among  them  a  little  vice, 
just  19  make  them  their  own  perfection.  So  a  humane 

theatric:  >mced  adrama  called  the  Laclyof 'the  Camellias. 

Your  Lordship— although  a  Lord  Chamberlain — must  know,  by  this 
time,  what  the  subject  of  such  a  piece  is,  for  yon  certainly  read  the 
Times,  and  cannot  forget  the  scathing  denunciation  righteously  poured 
upon  the  opera  of  La  Traviata.  A  drama  founded  on  that  opera 
must  be  still  more  offensive,  because  vocalists  emit  notes,  not  words, 
whereas  the  actor  sends  home  the  idea  and  language  to  every  spectator. 
And  it  is  again  he  ineffable  abomination  of  M.  DUMAS, 

fits,  is  thrust  forwaru  in  the  above  title — Punch  cannot  even  allude  to 
sanctions.    Well,  my  Lord,  some  people  in 

Rochester  have  heard  of  the  character  of  the  atrocity,  and  send  a 
remonstrance  to  the  Chamberlain's  oilice.  MR.  DONNE,  your  delegate, 
(a  scholar  and  a  gentleman,  who  discharges  a  thankless  office  to  the 
satisfaction  of  all  who  have  business  with  him)  sends  to  Rochester 
for  the  piece,  reads  it,  and  to  make  what  sort  of  a  communication  to 
the  manager  have  you,  LORD  BREADALBANE,  reduced  that  gentleman  ? 
This  is  it. 

"  I  have  examined  the  drama,  entitled  the  Lady  of  the  Camellias,  and  find  it  to 
correspond  so  nearly  with  the  opera  of  La  Tratriata,  WHICH  HAS  BIEX  LICENSED  BV 
THS  LORD  (,'iiAMBKRLAin,  that  I  shall  not  put  any  impediment  in  the  way  of  your 
performing  it  at  Rochester." 

3fr.  Punch  takes  it,  that  blushing  is  not  a  CHAMBERLAIN'S  accom- 
plishment, or  such  a  letter  must  make  your  Lordship's  face  resemble 
BardolpKs,  as  described  by  the  Page,  (characters  bv  SIIAKSPEARE,  a 
dramatic  author  of  other  days,  my  Lord,)  "He  called  me,  my  Lord, 
through  a  red  lattice,  and  I  could 'discern  no'part  of  his  face  from  the 
window  ;  at  last  I  spied  his  eyes." 


WALK  UP,  AND  BEHOLD  THE  WONDERFUL! 

A  PASTORAL,  according  to  the  derivation  of  the  word,  means  a  di  - 
course  delivered  by  a  shepherd ;  but  the  compositions  issued  under 
that  name  by  CARDINAL  WISKMAN,  DR.  CVLLEX,  and  the  other 
foreigners  who  call  themselves  bishops  and  archbishops  in  this  country, 
are  at;  variance  with  its  etymology.  The  turgid  circumlocution  of 
those  un-English  addresses  renders  them  quite  dissimilar  to  the 
phraseology  of  shepherds,  but  very  much  like  the  eloquence  of  the 
keeper  of  a  wild-beast  show.  We  may  perhaps  be  allowed  to  carry 
the  comparison  a  little  further,  and  to  suggest  that  suiting  action  to 
•word,  some  of  the  pastoral-promulgators  may  almost  be  imagined  in 
the  act  of  stirring  up  the  Royal  Bengal  Ti^er  with  a  long  pole  in  the 
shape  of  a  crosier.  Certainly,  they  are  putting  their  heads  in  the  Lion's 
mouth. 

A  Trifle  from  Shoe-Lane. 

Two  gentlemen  were  disputing,  rather  warmly,  about  the  degree  of 
stature  required  for  the  Army,  but  couldn't  agree  as  to  the  precise 
height.  "Probably  you  are  not  aware,"  said  one,  " that  the  standard 
has  been  reduced  lately '; "  " Oh !  yes,  but  I  am,"  answered  the  other 
gentleman;  "every  fool  knows  that  the  Standard's  reduced  now  to 
Twopence."— Morning  Herald. 


SUCKING   TO   THE   SHOP. 

THE  Linendrapers'  Shopmen  declare,  that  they  cannot  think  of  going 
to  India ;  the  Cape,  they  say,  would  be  somewhat  more  in  their  line. 


174 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVAKL 


[OCTOBER  24,  1857. 


THE    LADIES    AND    THE    LOOKING-GLASS. 

CCUSTOMED  as  we  are  to  the 
unravelling  of  mysteries,  we 
confess  that  there  are  some- 
times  puzzles  which  perplex 
us.    Such  a  one  we  find  in  the 
announcement  of  a  lady,' that 
at  the  now  closing  Manchester 
Art  Palace,  the  Ladies'  Wait- 
incr-Room  was  furnished  with 
a  looking-glass,  for  the  use  of 
which  a  penny  was  the  fee 
demanded.    This  she  was  dis- 
posed to  consider  as  exorbi- 
tant, and  as  of  a  piece  with 
the  biscuits  to  be  had  at  the 
refreshment  counters,    which 
being  rather  small  for  penny 
ones   were    charged   at   two- 
pence.   As  far,  however,  as 
our  gallantry  will  suffer,  we 
feel  compelled  to  differ  with 
our  fair  informant  :   for  the 
more  we  give  our  mind  to  the 
consideration  of  the  matter, 
the  more  we  are  disposed  to 
think  the  sniallncss,  not  the 
largeness,  of  the  charge  is  to 
be  wondered  at.    It  is  true 
that  our  informant  somewhat 
a-CTavated  her  complaint,  by  stating  that  the  mirror  was  so  placed  that  every  one  must  pass  , 
it  (in  which  arrangement  the  art-people  must  be  viewed  as  artful  dodgers)   that  she  was 
whollv  unaware  that  there  was  any  charge  for  using  it;  and  that,  as  it  was,  she     only  just 
peeped  "  at  it.    But  although  we  grant  there  may  be  weight  in  two  of  these  objections,  we  j 
must  express  a  doubt  if  the  third  can  be  held  valid.    From  taking  carefulMte  ot  iemale 
..logy,  we  have  more  than  a  suspicion  that  the  "only  just  peeping     ot  a  lady  in  a 
looking-glass  implies  a  long-r  occupation  of  it  than  the  words  would  seem  to  indicate.    Bup- 
our  informant  is  a  model  of  1' .rbearauce,  her  "peep"  may  have  accorded  with  the 
meaning  in  her  Dictionary;  but  she  must  recollect,  all  ladies  are  not  similarly  gifted,  and  m 
-  any  looking-glass  reflection  tariff,  of  course  the  calculations  must  be  based  upon  the 


,  of  course,  to  speak  with  any  certainty  of  anything  so  frightfully  uncertain 
as  a  Woman,'  but  from  making  frequent  observation  of  the  time  which  ladies  take  when  they 
set.  before  a  looking-glass,  we  can  form  a  pretty  accurate  opinion  on  the  subject.  Me 
have  indeed  statistics,  very  carefully  collected,  which  enable  us  to  calculate  with  tolerable 
exactness,  what,  portion  of  their  lives  ladies  spend  before  the  looking-glass  ;  and  we  are  prepared 
to  show  that,  unking  due  allowance  for  feminine  uncertainty,  the  actual  duration  ot  only 
just  a  peep  "  averages  not  less  than  sixteen  minutes  and  a  quarter.  This  at  the  Art-1  alace 
price,  a  penny  for  a  peep,  would  hourly  bring  in  fourpeuce  and  a  fraction  of  a  farthing  •  and 
allowing  that  the  Manchester  Art-mirror  was  in  constant  occupation  during  six  whole  hours 
per  diem,  the  weekly  return  would  but  just  exceed  twelve  shillings.  So  far,  then,  from 
agreeing  that  the  fee  charged  was  exorbitant,  we  are  more  disposed  to  consider  it  most 
moderate,  and  to  wonder  it  was  thought  that  it  -would  prove  a  paying  one  :  a  result  which 
indeed  could  be  only  brought  about  by  the  artful  dodgery  aforesaid,  of  placing  the  glass  so 
that  in  her  exit  from  the  waiting-room  every  lady  passed  it.  This  of  course  ensured  its  being 
constantly  in  use ;  for  one  might  as  well  expect  an  Alderman  to  pass  one  the  milk  punch 
without  helping  himself,  as  imagine  that  a  lady  could  ever  pass  before  a  looking-glass  without 

•'kins  a  peep  at  it." 

Looking  therefore  at  the  looking-glass  in  the  light  of  an' Art-fixture,  we  cannot  see  it  casts 
t  reflection  on  the  artful  ones  who  furnished  it.  Without  imputing  sordid  motives 
to  the  Manchester  Art-treasures,  we  must  admit,  of  course,  that  having  spent  much  money 
in  showing  them,  they  had  substantial  reasons  for  regarding  the  Art-treasures  from  a 
business  point  of  view,  and  for  keeping  a  sharp  eye  to  the  state  of  the  Art-treasury.  Con- 
sidering that  in  Manchester  the  Economic  Mania  is  carried  to  excess,  and  that  business  men 
I  HIM'  tliriMhrgrrnti'st  possible  aversion  to  lay  out  money  needlessly,  we  think  it  was  a  gallant 
act  in  them  to  sink  a  certain  portion  of  their  capital  in  a  looking-glass  ;  and  it  is  preposterous 
in  ladies  to  feel  a  twinge  of  wonder  that  such  accommodation  was  not  famished  to  them 
fri!i*i-.  In  common  fairness  the  fair  sex'should  have  felt  grateful  for  the  delicate  attention  to 
their  wants,  and  have  seen  in  the  looking-glass  a  convincing  piece  of  evidence  that,  even  in 
Manchester,  men  of  business  sometimes  let  their  gallantry  get  somewhat  the  better  of  them. 

*  AV<  !>;/  Hi F.  Rlitnr.—Om  contributor,  ladies,  is  a  confirmed  old  bachelor,  and  we  will  not  be  answerable  for 
his  misogynic  ecutimente. 


WHAT   GAMMON! 

TUE  price  of  funds  was  falling  fast, 
When  through  the  Commons'  Lobby,  past 
A  youth  who  grasped  as  firm  as  ice 
This  Ministerial  device : 
"What  Gammon! 

His  gills  were  stiff,  his  snowy  hand, 
•"Wore  DUST'S  best  kids  we  understand, 
And  like  a  penny-trumpet  rung 
The  accents  of  that  cheerful  tongue  : 
What  Gammon ! 

In  happy  homes  he  'd  seen  the  light 
Of  household  mirth  extinguished  quite, 
The  storm-cloud  gathered  fast  the  while, 
But  still  he  muttered  with  a  smile : 
What  Gammon ! 

"  Oh,  stay ! "  one  member  said,  "and  think i 
We  stand  upon  au  awful  brink ! " 
He  gently  closed  his  left  blue  eye, 
But  still'he  answered  with  a  sigh : 
What  Gammon ! 

"  Try  not  that  dodge,"  another  said, 
"  Dark  lowers  the  tempest  overhead  : 
The  mutiny 's  spreading  far  and  wide." 
But  still  that  cheerful  voice  replied : 
What  Gammon  ! 

Beware  the"  Sepoy's  pampered  mood ! 
Beware  our  helpless  womanhood ! 
This  was  the  Opposition's  cry, 
A  voice  replied :  "  That 's  all  my  eye  : 
And  Gammon  ! " 

Next  day  the  wires  electric  bore 
A  horrid  tale  from  red  Cawnpore ; 
Still  muttered  by  the  Speaker's  chair. 
That  youth  with  somewhat  startled  air : 
What  Gammon ! 

True  to  his  scent,  as  faithful  hound, 
That  youth  our  own  reporter  found, 
Still  clenching  in  his  grasp  of  ice, 
That  Ministerial  device : 
What  Gammon !  - 

There,  smoothing  down  his  bran  new  hat, 
Lifeless,  but  elegant  he  sat, 
And  'mid  the  death-knell  booming  far, 
A  voice  fell  from  that  falling  star : 
What  Gammon ! 

*  On  the  authority  of  an  eminent  antiquarian  who 
studies  such  matters. 


A  Fresh-Water  Navy. 


Tin;.  Prussian 

nil  sailors       .     . ...  „      „     .      .  , 

chloroform,  in  a  wineglassful  of  barley-water,  as  it  is  considered  an  admirable  preventive 
against  the  horrors  of  sea-sickness. 


russian  Government  has  issued  a  proclamation,  in  which  it  humanely  recommends 
•  employed  in  the  Prussian  Navy  to  take,  before  going  to  sea,  five  or  six  (hops  of 


A  DiSTiXRTJisireB  ANTIQUARY  wishes  to  know,  in  whose  possession  is  the  chair  on  which 


VERY  IMPORTANT. 

THE  attention  of  his  Royal  Highness  the 
COMSIAXDER-IN-CHIEF  is  particularly  requested 
to  the  annexed  important  communication  received 
by  Mr.  Punch  through  the  kindness  of  HER 
MAJESTY'S. Post-Master  General : — 

"  SIR          "  Queens  Road  Otr.  5  Bay.itcatcr. 

"I  NOW  take  the  opportunity  of  in- 
forming you  as  I  was  standing  near  the  Great 
Western ' railway  Station  having  a  leasure  five 
Minutes  a  train  come  in  and  1  saw  get  out  one 
of  the  carrages  six  or  eight  of  the  royal  horse 
gard  blues  on  leaf  of  absence  for  30  hours  each 
of  them  having  a  box  or  a  Carpet  bag  and  one 
of  them  having  a  pair  of  top  boots  and  they 
engaged  as  many  dirty  raged  lot  of  litlc  boys  to 
cary  them  wich  drawd  great  atcration  and  I 
hope  I  shall  not  intrude  in  sending  this  as  a 
copy  fo  punch 

"  I  have  the  honour  to  remain  Sir, 

"  Yours  obidient  Servant, 
"  DK.  HEULET." 


AN  EARLY  SIGN  OF  CHKISTMAS.— Mn.  HARRY 
BOLENO,  the  Clown,  was  seen  hovering  about  t  he 
stage-door  of  Drury  Lane  Theatre  last  week. 


OCTOBER  24,  1857.] 


i'l.XCH,    OR  THE  LCADOX    CHAKiYAKI. 


175 


THE    BATTLE    OF    CREMORNE. 

il.   I'rvi  ii   derives  satisfaction  from 
finding  that  the   Middlesex    Ma'-'is- 
.',  ill  not.  punish  Mu.  SIMPSON, 
of  Cremorne,  because  the  I' 

i:t.   their  duty.     Middle- 
is  not  so  blind  as  to 
MR.  SIM  I'M  IN  with  the  over- 
charges of  cabmen,  and  with  the  con- 

ll)!)lill!.rS     1)1 

and  their  fares,  nor  will  it  visit  upon 
him  the  fact  that  some  of  his  vis- 
itors express  their  satisfaction  with 
his  entertainments  by  uncouth  shout- 
ing and  inharmonious  singing.  Such 
i  rat  ions,  both  hostile  and  ap- 
plausive, have, jl/r.  Punchy  informed, 
been  once  or  twice  heard  before  the 
•His  of  more  than 
one  most  distinguished  host,  "the 
only  \eritable  Amphitryon— him  with 
whom  one  dines."  Mr.  Punch  is 
pleased  with  the  decision  by  which 
eighteen  to  eight  Magistrates  have 
refused  to  injure  Mi;.  N  MI-SON  be- 
cause cab-wheels  and  snobs  make  a 
noise,  and  because  gents  may  not  be 
as  well  up  in  the  table  of  fares  as  they  arc  in  the  Ready  Reckoner. 

Hut  :ts  the  recognised  LOKI  LAIN,  Censor,  and  Master  ol 

the  Revels  of  the  world,  it  may  be  expected  from  him  that  he  should 
express  with  more  completeness  his  view  of  the  whole  Cremorne  case. 
ithout  the  li  ••  ion,  that  he  concurs  with  several  of 

his  friends,  members  of  the  Royal  Family,  that  ME.  SIMPSON'S  gardens 
are  very  delightful  ones,  and  tor  a  daylight  visit,  a  place  to  which  a 
Bishop  may  go  without  risk  of  a  speck  upon  what  MR.  JOHN  TllfBS 
aptly  informs  us  is  called  by  uninformed  laics,  the  Apron,  but  which 
the  Christian  world  ought  to  know  is  nothing  more  than  the  short 
cassock,  ordered  by  t  he  1  1 1  h  canon.  Furthermore,  Mr.  Punch  is  happy 
to  add,  that  Mu.  SIMPSON'S  evening  entertainments  are  not  merely 
unexceptionable,  but  excellent,  the  coloured  lamps  are  Alhambraic, 
the  music  Jullienesque,  the  Marionettes  an  immense  improvement 
upon  the  wooden  actors  at  several  t  heal  res  that  might  be  mentioned, 
the  fireworks  worthy  to  celebrate  a  Peace  by  which  we  gained  some- 
thing (everybody  will  comprehend  that  we  don't  refer  to  the  Treaty  of 
Paris),  while  the  poetry  of  the  Hermit  seems  modelled  upon — though 
superior  to  the  compositions  of — but  perhaps  we  have  touched  up  that 
great  bard  often  enough.  The  refreshments  are  capital,  and  though 
not  unmindful  of  the  Chateau  Margaux  and  the  punch,  we  have  been 
particularly  struck  with  the  rich  tlavour  and  aroma  of  the  Imperial 
Pop,  vintage  1857,  the  Comet  year.  Lastly,  while  on  the  credit  side 
of  1  he  account,  Mr.  Punch  must  not  omit  to  say,  that  the  behaviour  of 
the  vis!'  ly  exemplary,  far  better,  especially  as  regards 

the  dancers,  than  that  of  many  of  the  attendants  at  similar  Parisian 
places,  to  which  Paterfamilias,  once  away  from  the  respectability  of 
Bloomsbury  Square,  hurries,  and  very  often  takes  Mater familias,  and 
t  hinks  he  has  rat  her  done  a  knowing  t  hing  than  not.  And  whether  all 
the  said  visitors  may  take  with  them  "all  the  Virtues  under  Heaven," 
(the  demise  of  BISHOP  BERKELEY  having  left  those  amiabilities 
without  a  residence,  an  allusion  which  no  fast  man  will  understand, 
and  so  we  refer  him  to  MR.  PETER  CUNNINGHAM  for  explanation) 
we  do  not  exactly  know.  Some  people  behave  all  the  better  in  the 
absence  of  a  conviction  that  they  are  immaculate,  and  can  do  nothing 
wrong. 

But.  Mr.  Punch  begs  to  state,  with  equal  distinctness,  that  he  knows, 
ires  to  know  nothing  of  the  Gardens  after  the  evening's  mro- 

Ser.    They  may,  after  midnight,  be  as  orderly  as  before. 
no  c\  iilence  before  him.    Decent  people  walk  off  before  to- 
morrow walks  in.    And  so  they  ought.     Any  person  with  the'  duties 
01  life  to  do— we  don't  speak  ot  idle  Swells,  VVar  Ministers,  Members 
of  the  Metropolitan  Central  Board,  and  other  useless  beings— must  be 
dock,  and  be  well  through  his  hearty  breakfast  by  nine. 
Nobody,  whether  he  be  of  Parliament,  clergyman,  doctor, 

,  author,  01   anybody  else  with  anything  to  do,  can 
want  to  be  al  of  amusement  after  midnight.    Allow  another 

hour  for  the  home  joiirnej,  ami  tranquiUJsing  cigar,  and  curtain  lecture, 
and  the  clock  strikes  one.  Seven  golden  hours  of  sleep  are  coins  the 
strongest  must  pay  as  ground-rent  to  Nature.  And  therefore  we  have 
to  say  to  anybody  who  stays  at  Cremoruc,  or  anywhere  else,  at 
unseemly  hours,  except  that  he  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  himself. 

Natheless,  Mu.  P.  is  glad  : rates  did  not  make  an 

exceptional  1 1  i    Cremorne,  and  compel  closing  at    an  hour 

""hen,  i,  laser  ha--  the  cruelty,  and  a  playgoer  the  tolly, 

to  inflict  and  to  witness  dramatic  debility,  the  playhouse  may  remain 
open.  Fair  play  all  round.  And  Mr.  Punch  will  not  conclude  without 


adding,  that  the  Magistrates  must  have  arrived  at  their  decision  from  the 
sense  of  justice  and  logic,  for  the  trashy  clap- 

1 1  ap  chicili  offered  in  favour  of  the  licence  was  worthy  of  all  contempt. 
Had  it   i  id  that  i],(  Were  a  nu  was  not 

because  the  owner  "had  laid  out  £30,000,"  and  !fi  to  the 

rund,"  and  "was  the  largest,  rat epayer  in  1!"  that  the 

licence  ought  to  have  !  ;|.     It  certainly  ought  not— even  in 

money-grubbing  England — to  be  in  favour  of  a  nuisance  that  it  was 
established  at  a  great  .  -•  that  a  fraction  of  its  pro! 

charity.  The  fad  was,  that  there  was  no  case;  and  satisfied 
ttt  Mr.  Punch  is  with  the  result,  he  would  have  liked  it  better,  un 
garnished  with  Kosh. 

POETRY  OF  COURT  JOURNALISM. 

"Ml     1)1''.  Mil, 

"  THE  following  beautiful  piece  of  writing  is  taken  from  the 
Court  Journal.  It  occurs  in  a  description  of  the  Ball  Room  at 
Balmoral  :— 

walls  nrc  decorated  with  sylvan  trophies  and  emblems— stags'  head*, 
the  spoils  of  the  Prince's  ritlo,  forming  conapicuoua  objects." 

"  '  Spoils  of  the  Prince's  rifle ! '  Oh  !  how  elegant !  how  sweetly 
pretty!  Any  common  coarse  writer  would  have  said  'shot  by  the 
Prince.'  \V  hat  a  nice  man  that  writer  in  the  Cattrl  Journal  must  be. 
who  expresses  himself  with  reference  to  the  trophies  of  his  Royal 
Highness's  sportsmanship  in  such  charming  and  appropriate  language. 

"  Ever  yours, 

"MELISSA  GUSH." 
"  P.S.  I  wonder  if  he  is  handsome." 


TELEGRAPH  AND  TELEGRAM. 
By  a  Dublin  Univertity  Poet. 

is  a  bother,  here 's  a  to-do, 
About  using  one  letter  instead  of  two ! 
And  why  are  the  Greeks  to  teach  us  to  call 
A  thing  the  spalpeens  niver  heard  of  at  all  ? 
(Unless  you  suppose  the  spark  in  the  wire 

known  to  them  by  the  name  of  Greek  Eire). 
End  it  with  Phi,  or  end  it  with  Mu, 
What  does  it  signify  which  you  do  ? 
End  it  with  Mu,  or  end  it  with  Phi, 
The  point 's  not  worth  a  potaty's  eye, 
Contemn  such  ulthrapedautic  appeals, 
And  put  your  shoulders  to  these  two  wheels  : 
Reduce  the  charges,  which  now  is  plundering, 
And  teach  the  clerics  to  spell  without  blundering. 


Badly  Brought  Up. 

A  SwEi.L-McmsMAN,  hearing  a  moralist  enlarge  on  the  benefits  of  self- 
xamination,  said :  "  It  was  all  very  fine,  but  he  had  often  been  before 
;he  Magistrate  of  the  Thames  Police-Court,  and  he  must  say  he  didn't 
ike  a  SELrr.-Exmination  at  all ! " 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  24,  1857. 


THE    NICE    LITTLE    DINNER. 

Tommy  (who  is  standing  a  feed  to  Harry) .  "OH,  BANG  IT,  TOU  KNOW,  FOURTEEN 
BOB  FOB  A  BOTTLE  OF  CHAMPAGNE  !  THAT  's  COMING  IT  BATHER  STRONG,  AINT  IT? 

ir«t'ter  (wM  perfect  composure).  "  Vfs  HAVE  SOME  CHEAP  WINE,  SIR,  AT  HALF- A> 
GUINEA  ! " 


PATTERNS  FOR  DRAPERS'  YOUNG  MEN. 

"  DEAR  MB.  PUNCH, 

"  ALLOW  me  to  observe,  Sir,  that  we  Linen- 
drapers'  Assistants  are  not  the  only  parties  who  are  doing 
women's  work  whilst  they  might  be  fighting  the  battles 
if  their  country.  What  do  you  say  to  the  great  majority 
of  the  Parliamentary  gents  ?  At  present,  to  be  sure,  they 
ire  doing  nothing  but  shooting  pheasants  ;  but  their  work, 
when  they  do  any,  consists  in  talk,  if  I  may  be  allowed  to 
express  myself  in  fine  Irish.  Now,  Sir,  I  ask  you  whether 
talk,  and  mere  talk  please  to  observe,  is  not,  of  all  occu- 
pations, most  decidedly  that  of  a  woman.  Well,  then, 
suppose,  by  way  of  setting  us  an  example,  honourable 
members  leave  words  to  the  ladies,  and  resort  to  btaws 
instead,  and  relinquish  the  fowling-piece  for  the  rifle. 
They  might  take  their  footmen  of  six  feet— you  see  the 
joke,  Sir?— with  them;  and  then  they  would  revive  the 
romantic  arrangement  of  knight  and  squire,  usual  in  the 
good  old  tinies  of  chivalry.  Noble  lords,  with  their 
retainers,  might  also  go  out  to  India,  in  the  capacity  of 
volunteers.  The  Bishops  could  not  accompany  the  tem- 
poral nobs,  but  they  might  send  their  domestics  to  serve 
under  them ;  and  in  the  meanwhile  do  without  coaches, 
and  be  satisfied  with  first-class  railway  carriages,  and  with 
the  apostles'  horses.  Parties  in  a  superior  station  would 
have  a  great  advantage  over  us  as  soldiers.  Pay  would  be 
no  object  to  them;  but  it  would  be  important  to  us  gents, 
and  how  can  we  be  expected  to  throw  up  our  situations 
for  13d.  a-day,  reduced  by  sundry  stoppages  to  Z\d.  ?  One- 
and-one  cut  down  to  nought  two-and-a-half  is  too  low.  We 
couldn't  do  it.  We  should  have  much  pleasure  in  making 
some  sacrifice  ;  but  really  it  must  not  be  quite  so  alarming 
as  that.  We  should  be  happy  to  do  business  with  the 
recruiting-sergeant  on  reasonable  terms— but,  at  the  [above, 
certainly  not  at  this  establishment.  I  am,  Sir, 

"  Your  obedient  Servant, 
"  Crinoline  Home,  21/1Q_57  „  «  SILKSIIOT." 


Going  Awry. 

A  DAMSEL  of  Eye  has  (to  the  great  wrath  of  the  Morniny 
Advertiser)  permitted  a  Popish  priest  to  cajole  her  into 
renouncing  a  religion  for  a  superstition.  We  can  spare  the 
silly  girl  to  Romanism ;  but,  in  the  name  of  GEORGE 
BORROW,  must  protest  against  her  being  known  as  the 
Romany  Rye. 


SNOBS  ALL,  MY  MASTERS  ! 

OH,  Flunkeydom,  flunkeydom,  what  paragraphs  are  written  in  thy 
name!  Thy  domain  is  co-extensive  wiih  the  spread  of  the  great 
Anglo  Saxon  Race !  I  apprehend  that  it  is  a  fact  not  to  be  gainsaid 
that,  taking  JOHN  BULL,  in  the  widest  sense— as  including  the  Ameri- 
can branch  of  the  family— he  is  the  greatest  snob  beyond  comparison, 
and  most  abject  flunkey,  ever  known  in  this  world. 

I  find  nothing  of  the  same  peculiar  kind  in  Trance,  or  Germany,  or 
Italy,  or  Spain,  or  Turkey,  or  even  Russia.  In  the  latter  country  the 
i-erf'bows  down  to  the  noble — the  Tschin  is  respected  by  all  classes  not 
included  within  its  thirteen  gtades — because  nobility  in  Russia  is  the 
symbol  of  power  and  authority,  and  means  the  right  and  privilege 
to  inflict  some  kind  of  punishment  or  pain.  I  do  not  call  this  sort_  of 
kotow  snobbishness.  It  is  slavishness,  if  you  will — a  dog-like  feeling 
— but  there  is  no  flunkeyism  in  it.  So  in  Austria,  what  people  bow 
down  to,  is  military  rank,  or  official  position,  both  sources  of  possible 
oppression,  if  not  conciliated.  But  only  in  England  do  I  find  that 
abject  worship  of  a  Lord  as  a  Lord — that  licking  the  shoes  of  a  class, 
which  has  no  power  or  privilege  to  oppress  or  brow-beat,  or  bastinado 
either  literally  or  metaphorically — that  hoisting  of  them  into  every 
chair  at  every  public  dinner — that  foisting  of  them  into  every  office  of 
<  very  calibre — that  silent  reverence  of  them  in  every  private  gathering 
ry  condition  of  men — that  hustling  and  hurraing  of  them  in 
every  public  concourse  on  every  occasion. 

The  DUKE  OF  CAMBRIDGE,  and  a  distinguished  party — distinguished 
as  containing  a  large  proportion  of  peers,  and  peer's  kith  and  kin — visits 
i  ;mchester  Exhibition  ;  straightway  the  Ancient  Masters  are 
abandoned,  and  the  moderns  cease  to  charm.  MR.  HALLE'S  cunning 
fails  in  the  orchestra,  and  even  the  Corporation  Gold  plate  no  longer 
attracts  a  ring  of  gapers.  The  Art  Treasures  of  the  United  Kingdom 
are  for  the  moment  eclipsed  and  swallowed  up,  and  set  aside  by  the 
I )  i  KE  or  CAMBRIDGE.  Thelcrowd  run  after  him,  they  dog  his  heels,  they 


press  upon  him.  It  is  necessary  to  form  a  ring  of  policemen  round  the 
ducal  person  to  save  it  from  damage.  So,  girt  by  his  ring  of  protecting 
policemen,  the  Duke,  with  much  ado,  gets  the  Art-Treasures  seen, 
himself  the  sole  and  single  Art-Treasure,  while  he  remains  in  the 
building.  He  looks  at  everything — and  as  if  all  the  fruit  of  his  gazing 
passed  into  him.  and  there  became  quintessentialised  and  sublimated, 
everybody  else  looks  only  upon  him ! 

Our  Yankee  friends  are  as  bad,  for  'all  their  affected  equality  anc 
democracy.  -JONATHAN  loves  a  Lord  as  absolutely,  abjectly,  ane 
offensively,  as  JOHN  BULL. 

It  is  not  enough  for  us  to  mob  their  movements,  and  drive  them  into 
a  hedge  of  policemen,  but  we  must  follow  them  about  with  the  most 
miserable  drivel  of  recording  penny-a-linism,  and  Court  Newsnianship 
We  must  have  a  human  being  paid  to  solemnly  record  how  particularly 
"affable  and  amusing"  His  Royal  Highness,  PRINCE  ALBERT,  was 
when  he  met  "  a  select  party  at  the  MAYOR  or  MANCHESTER'S,"  and 
how  he  told  several  anecdotes. 


Among  others  was  the  following : — 


\erywell,  said  tue  otner,  -  lou  may  say  I-RINCE  ALBEKT.  upui 
,n  drew  back,  looked  up  siprnificantly,  put  his  thumb  to  the  tip  of  hi 
;d  bis  fingers,  and  exclaimed  'Walker  ! '  " 


Whereupon  the  reader,  exhausted  with  the  sustained  and  breathles 
interest  with  which  he  has  followed  his  Royal  Highness  to  this  point 
can  but  ejaculate,  in  faint  echo,  "  Walker ! "  also,  and  put  his  thumb  t 
the  tip  of  his  nose,  and  extend  his  fingers,  in  the  direction  of  the  gifte 
penny-a-liner. 


rrtveii  by  William  Bndtour?.  ol  ]So  13  1'  per  WoWrn  Pike*,  and  Frederick  Mulie't  Kvana,  of  Ho.  19,  Queen'l  Boad  Welt,  Rereot'a  Park,  both  lathe  Parish  of  St.  Panel-lit,  in  t--.*  County  of  Middltcex. 
Pnat*r».  at  tbtir  OBr-  in  Lombard  8. reel.  :a  tb«  ficciuc  ol  WbitetUrt,  hi  the  City  of  Liidon,  and  PubUih-d.  br  thrm  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Sir-el,  in  the  Parish  of  Si.  Bride,  ia  the  City  01 
I/WMOii—  SAH«D»I.  Uctoiia  24.  IK,;. 


OCTOIJER  31,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


177 


First  Boy.   "  What  does  he  do  with  all  them  Whiskers ! " 

Second  Boy.   "  Why,  when  'e  't  got  enough  of  'em,  'e  cult  'em  ojf  to  ttuff  'i>  Ileaty 
Chair  with/" 


rOMPEY    OX  TELEGRAM. 

TVH.— "Sitch  a  giUin  up-ttain." 

( )n  !  hab  you  heard  ob  de  row  dere  am, 

'Bout  dis  here  new  wor<i  Teh-gram ': 

De  Cambridge  and  dc  <  Ixford  School, 

Jioaf  ob  drni  call  de  oder  a  fool. 

Sitch  a  quo! in'  ob  Greek,  and  niakin'  ob  a  riddle, 
Sitch  a  quo! iu*  ob  Greek  L  ncbber  did  see. 

De  word  lie  may  be  foul  Greek  or  fair, 
Which  him  don't  know  ami  him  don't  care; 
Hut  him  sound  more  tickle  dis  nigger's  ear, 
Ban  any  liim's  heard  for  many  a  year. 
Sitch,  A.-C. 

De  word  him  short,  de  word  him  sweet, 
And  berry  pleasant  to  repeat, 
Jlim  '/.ackly  lit  de  nigger's  lip, 
And  de  debblr  niav  rare  for  him  scollumship  : 
Sitch,  &c. 

Derefore  in  Johnson  iest  you  look, 
When  next  him  publish  him  spelling-book, 
And  dere  I  spccts  dere  will  be  found 
Dat  lilly  uew  word  wid  de  lubly  sound : 
Sitch,  &c. 

De  telegram  a  'greeable  name : 
Him  wish  him  news  may  be  ebberde  same ; 
De  next  we  sets,  widout  no  flam, 
Him  hope  a  berry  good  telegram  : 
Bitch,  &. 


MEDICINE  UF  TILE  MONEY-MARKET. 

BY  a  telegram  from  New  Orleans  we  learn,  with  con- 
siderable alarm,  that — 

"  The  Money  Market  i»  feverish." 

We  suppose  the  fever  is  worse  than  a  common  inter- 
mittent ;  for  we  miss  the  additional  intelligence  that — 
"  Quinine  la  riz." 

On  the  other  hand,  nothing  whatever  is  mentioned  of 
antimony  and  camphor-julep. 


A    LEADER    FROM    THE    "STAR." 

[\\'F.  have  great  plemuro  in  giving  extended  publicity  to  the  views  of  the  ex- 
peacemongera,  as  sot  forth  in  tin  ir  Penny  Daily  Onran.  The  following  is  an  excel- 
lent specimen  of  the  mode  in  which  the  Manchester-men  treat  the  Indian  crisis.] 

THE  British  dear  newspapers  continue  to  bluster,  but  we  cannot  see 
that  Old  HAVELOCK  and  Old  CAMFIIELL  are  a  bit  nearer  the  crime 
which  is  being  urged  upon  them  than  they  were  months  ago.  Of 
course,  if  a  British  oiliccr  mounted  on  a  tremendous  Life  Guard's 
horse,  and  armed  with  a  sword,  revolvers,  and  a  lance,  and  sheathed 
between  an  impenetrable  cuirass  and  backpiece,  rushes  upon  a  few  of 
the  <vh  EEN'S  half-naked  subjects  with  dark  skins,  and  they  run  away 
to  save  their  wives  and  children  from  outrage,  the  high-priced  press 
makes  him  a  hero.  We  should  like  to  know  where  in  the  Scripture 
Life  Guards  are  ordered  to  charge  Hindoos,  and  yet  we  call  ourselves 
a  Christian  nation,  and  the  writers  in  the  Times  very  likely  drive  to 
church  in  carriages. 

As  to  "  punishing  "  the  Orientals,  the  insolence  of  the  word  is  only 
equalled  by  its  absurdity.  To  punish  is  the  act  of  a  superior,  unless, 
to  be  sure,  the  word  is  taken  from  the  brutalities  of  the  prize-ring 
which  is  so  great  a  favourite  with  our  aristocracy,  and  whose  atrocities 
are  equalled  in  their  fashionable  schools,  which  the  Quarterly  parsons 
laud.  In  that  case,  "punishment  "  is  a  thing  which  either  side  may 
get,  and  for  all  we  can  see,  our  datk  fellow-subjects  are  as  able  to 
administer  it  as  our  wliite  ones.  We  do  not  profess  intimate  acquaint- 
ance with  the  ferocious  science  of  war,  but  we  take  it,  that  if  a  cannon 
is  laid  properly,  the  ball  will  do  equal  execution,  whether  the  gun  be 
fired  by  an  Artillery  Colonel  or  a  Bumbasheeboo.  Cannon-balls  are 
sad  democrats,  and  won't  listen  to  the  gentlemen  in  Printing-House 
Square,  who  would  kindly  direct  them  on  their  way. 

Old  HAVELOCK  is  said  to  have  fought  nine  battles,  and  as  nine 
tailors  make  a  man,  nine  battles  may  make  a  hero.  Mars  covered  nine 
acres  of  ground  in  his  fall,  and  our  Indian  Mars  may  have  the  same 
luck.  Of  course,  anything  is  called  a  battle  when  furious  officers,  with 
hands  red  with  gore,  dismount  in  au  infuriated  state,  and  pen  des- 
patches. If  wr  could  read  what  the  so-called  rebels  say  about  the 
matter,  we  dare  say  that  a  good  deal  of  the  swagger  would  be  taken 
out  of  these  victories.  Hut  if  t  hey  are  all  they  are  said  to  be,  we  see 


nothing  in  them  to  warrant  exultation,  because  such  victories  imply 
that  the  sword  and  violence  are  having  it  their  own  way.  Far  better 
that  the  Indian  Mars  should  be  checked,  and  a  Commissioner,  say 
MB,  MILNER  GIBSON,  or  MR.  W.  J.  Fox,  be  sent  out  to  treat  between 
the  belligerents.  It  may  come  to  this,  in  spite  of  the  vaunting  of  the 
high-priced  newspapers,  for  we  rejoice  to  read  that  Nature  would  not 
stay  her  hand  to  assist  the  fiend  of  blood,  and  that  the  Jumna,  swollen 
by  rains  from  the  Himalayas  and  the  Mountains  of  the  Moon,  was 
offering  an  obstacle  daily  becoming  more  formidable  to  the  invincible 
HAVKLOCK,  or  HAVOC. 

But  if  Delhi  should  be  taken,  which  we  pray  may  not  be  the  case, 
the  very  cant  of  the  military  trade  ought  to  secure  leniency  to  those 
within  its  walls.  They  call  it  glory  to  defend  a  position.  What  then 
must  be  the  glory  of  those  who  could  defend  Delhi  against  the  mira- 
culous prestige  of  the  English  name,  and  against  the  thunders  of  the 
English  press.  Had  Delhi  been  Jericho,  the  braeen  trumpets  would 
have  had  it  down  long  ago.  But  we  do  hope  that,  should  HAVELOCK 
or  CAMPBELL,  or  whichever  of  these  fiery  old  gentlemen  is  to  have  the 
honour  of  ravaging  a  noble  city,  succeed  in  entering  its  walls,  he  will 
bear  in  mind  that  if  the  so-called  rebels  killed  some  women  and 
cliildren,  they  were  equally  ready  to  kill  the  terrible  soldiers  of 
England,  and  therefore  are  entitled  to  the  tender  mercies  of  the  Pagan 
code  of  war.  Stupid  as  the  military  may  be,  they  cannot  fail  to  see 
this,  if  all  the  lead  in  all  the  types  of  the  Times  were  in  their  heads. 
As  for  the  writers  in  that  journal,  they  are  simply  fools,  knaves,  and 
idiots. 


CHEVALIER  EXTRAORDINARY. 

A  GENTLEMAN  who  calls  himself  the  CHEVALIER  LUMLEY  DE  WOOD- 
YEAR  LDMLEY,  has  published  an  account  of  his  distinguished  origin 
and  magnificent  titles,  and  therewith  a  statement  that  the  Sardinian 
Government  had  offered  spontaneously  to  KING  BOMBA  to  expel  from 
the  Piedmontese  territory  twenty-six  Neapolitan  and  Sicilian  refugees,  of 
whose  names  he  gives  a  list.  This  story  has  been  contradicted  by  the 
Government  of  Sardinia ;  it  is,  then,  doubtless,  the  product  of  the 
imagination  of  the  Chevalier.  We  apprehend  that  this  inventive 
Chevalier  is  a  Chevalier  of  the  industrious  order. 


VOL.  XXXIII. 


173 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER   31,    1857. 


JUVENILE    ART-TREASURES. 

mlVATK    VIKW. 

OLLOWING  the  lead  of 
the  Manchester  Art- 
people,  a  committee 
of  young  gentlemen 
has    recently    been 
formed,     with    the 
view  of  getting  up 
an  Exhibition  of  all 
the    Juvenile    Art- 
Treasures  they  can 
anyhow     lay    their 
hands  on.     It  is  in- 
tended to  confine  the 
specimens  exhibited 
to    the   very    early 
works    of    our    ex- 
ceedingly       young 
masters ;  a<  d  any  master  who  exceeds  the  age  of  ten  will  be  esteemed 
too  ancient  to  have  his  works  exhibited.    The  object,  which  the  Art- 
Committce  will  keep  steadily  before  them,  is  to  show  the  progress  of 
ie  earliest  infancy,  and  it  is  confidently  hoped  that 
specimens    may   reach   them   even  from  the  cradle.      Of  the  works 
have  already  been  entrusted  to  their  care,  we  have  been  cour- 
iin  iicd  ;o  a  private  view,  and  we  have  our  own  permission  to 
make  "public  the  results  of  our  inspection. 

No  oil-paint  in-rs  as  yet  have  been  received  by  the  Committee,  and 
indeed  the  <>;  -  in  their  hands  is  a  piece  used  as  the 

ground  of  an  unfinished  work  in  worsted,  on 
which  the  outline  of  a  ketlle  has  been  traced 
in  marking-ink.  This  has  been  sent  in  by  a 
young  Welsh  master,  MASTER  JONES;  and 
Laving  been  achieved  at  the  age  of  not  quite 
three,  may  be  viewed  as  a  specimen  of  his  very 
early  period.  Several  wafer-colour  sketches 
have,  however,  come  to  hand,  one  or  two  of 
which  are  quite  chefs-il'tmtvre  in  their  way,  and 
are  prized  by  the  mammas  of  the  young  masters 
who  have  painted  them  as  being  early  sweepings 
of  the  brush  of  genius.  Some  of  these,  we  note, 
are  somewhat  smudgy  in  their  tone,  and  must 
perhaps  be  viewed  as  being  rather  after  rubbings 
than  they  can  be  after  KUBENS  ;  still, upon  the  whole,  the  colour-boxes 
have  been  used  with  singular  effect,  and,  for  first  attempts,  the 
landscapes  are  perhaps  not  more  completely  unlike  nature  than  is 
UHully  the  ease.  MASTER  SMITH'S  in  this  way  are  especially  unique, 
and  may  be  fairly  viewed  as  JEM'S — that  being  the  Christian  name  of 
this  now  rising-six  young  artist. 

Although  the  colourists  appear  in  tolerable  force,  we  are  not  sur- 
prised, of  course,  to  find  their  works  are 
tar  out-numbered  by  the  drawings  in 
plain  pencil  which  already  have  arrived. 
When  properly  arranged  and  classified  in 
order,  we  think  that  this  compartment  will 
perhaps'  be  the  attraction  of  the  whole  Art- 
Exhibition.  Both  the  pencil  schools,  in 
fact,  will  be  completely  represented— both 
the  Lead  school  and  the  Slate.  There  are 
some  portraits  in  the  former  style  which 
must  have  not  a  little  startled  those  who 
sat  for  them,  so  far  from  being  human  are 
the  features  represented.  With  the  slate- 
pencillists,  however,  there  is  a  greater 
tendency  to  landscape  than  to  drawing 
from  the  life.  Several  of  their  subjects  are 
indeed  architectural,  but  their  houses,  for 
the  most  part,  are  merely  sketched  in  out- 
line. Their  landscapes  are,  however, 
works  of  more  pretension,  and  even  ani- 

A.^  's  are  introduced  in  some  of  them  with 

J_)  f"^  I     i       the  happiest  effect.    There  may  be  doubts 
I       \_/  U- 1  G  in  some  cases  what  creatures  are  intended 
A      I      (as  for  instance  in .young  MASTER  BROWN'S 
P      Ml  ,'-\-  M      "-/  Landttaat  i'-i/k  Cotes,"  where  the  tails 
•  1  /    \  II      are  so  handled  as  to  look  like  fifth  legs), 
but  in  general  the  device  of  the  scroll  has 

been  resorted  to,  and  the  words  "This  is  a  Horse!"  prevent  one's 
i-.t  be  the  animal  depicted. 

1  ion  of  some  ornamented  book-covers  (many  of 

them  so  injured  as  to  be  quite  past  repairing)  no  specimens  of  Orna- 
mental An  i  ict.  contributed.  A  tew  carvings  have  arrived, 
of  cherry-stones  and  liockey-stieks  ;  and  some  spoons,  bit  nearly 


through,  and  otherwise  embossed,  will  be  sure  to  claim  at  jtntion  as 
choice  specimens  of  metal  work.  To  Connoisseurs  in  chiclren-bone  a 
highly-decorated  skipjack,  from  MASTER  GREEN'S  collection,  will 
doubtless  be  an  object  of  considerable  interest:  while  those  who  have 
a  taste  for  Sculpture  can  hardly  fail  to  be  delighted  with  the  ROBINSON 
Marbles,  which,  in  the  estimation  of  their  owner,  are  not  second  to 
the  ELGIN  ones.  They  will  be  found  to  contain  specimens  of  both  the 
antique  styles,  the  plain  style  and  the  coloured :  as  they  comprise  a 
goodly  show  of  Alley  Tors  as  well  as  Commoners. 

The  Armoury  Compartment  will  be  very  rich  in  specimens.  Several 
of  the  fly-guns  will  be  found  most  delicately  finished,  and  well  worthy 
of  inspection ;  and  although  the  pop-guns  show  less  polish,  and  perhaps 
more  hasty  workmanship,  still,  their  elegant  simplicity  is  in  itself  a 
beauty.  The  pea-shooters  and  pin-darts  are  also  very  choice,  and 
some  of  the  toy-cannon  will  be  viewed  as  highly  interesting  specimens 
of  early  English  ordnance.  But  perhaps  the  gem  of  this  compartment 
is  a  suit  of  pasteboard  armour,  lately  manufactured  for  some  nursery 
theatricals.  This  will  be  found  to  repay  the  closest  study,  being 
exquisitely  finished,  and  complete  in  every  detail,  down  to  the  lath 
dagger  and  the  paste  and  paper  battle-axe. 

Comprising  as  it  will  such  young  Masterpieces  as  these,  there  can 
be  small  doubt  of  the  attractiveness  of  the  intended  Exhibition :  and 
the  Art-magnet,  it  is  hoped,  will  be  found  strong  enough  to  draw,  erea 
at  the  distance  at  which  it  will  be  placed.  The  first  idea  of  putting  it 
in  an  accessible  locality,  was  scouted  as  not  following  the  Manchester 
Art-precedent,  and  it  has  been  finally  resolved  to  hold  the  show  at 
Mitcham,  that  being  esteemed  as  much  out  of  the  way  a  spot  as  could 
be  chosen  for  the  purpose.  A  spacious  nursery  has  there  been  fitted 
up  as  an  Art-Palace,  and  will  be  open  for  a  week,  of  course  excluding 
Sunday.  Day  admission  fee,  one  penny;  Season  Tickets,  sixpence. 
At  these  charges  it  is  hoped  the  Exhibition  will  be  self-supporting : 
but  in  order  to  place  it  on  a  firm  financial  footing,  a  Guarantee  Fund 
has  been  raised,  to  the  amount  of  seven  shillings.  The  Committee 
will  defray  their  own  expenses  from  the  money  taken  at  the  door ;  and 
should  there  be  a  surplus,  they  will  devote  it  to  the  purchase  of  Art- 
brandyballs  and  lollipops. 


FASHION  WITHIN  COMPASS. 

INDULGE  not,  husbands  and  lovers,  the  fond  hope  that  ladies  are 
about  to  abandon  unlimited  petticoats.  Our  good  news  is  merely  this : 
that,  for  once  in  the  way,  Eashion  is  mathematically  and  logically 
correct  in  a  statement  respecting  the  Circle.  We  congratulate  the 
Morning  Post  on  publishing  this  quite  unobjectionable  announcement : — 

"  The  MARQUIS  OF  BRISTOL  is  at  Ickworth,  near  Bury  St.  Edmund's,  surrounded 
by  a  select  circle." 

Some  critics  may  demur  to  "  select ; "  but  the  expression  is  lawful. 
"Select,"  according  to  DR.  JOHNSON,  means  "nicely  chosen;  choice: 
culled  out  on  account  of  superior  excellence."  The  circumference  of 
t  lie  circle,  whereof  the  MARQUIS  OF  BRISTOL  is  the  centre,,  is  perhaps 
at  every  point  as  nearly  equidistant  from  the  centre  as  it  is  possible 
for  any  circle  to  be  drawn.  Consequently,  it  is  the  nearest  actual 
approach  that  can  be  made  to  a  perfect  circle ;  and  it  may,  on  that 
account,  have  been  "  culled  out "  of  a  number  of  other  circles  less 
accurately  described,  "on  account  of  supeiior  excellence."  It  is  quite 
clear  that  the  circumference  of  the  circle  whose  centre  is  the  MARQUIS 
OF  BRISTOL  cannot  be  formed  of  other  Marquises,  because  there  must 
be  some  degree  of  distance,  however  smalL  between  the  circumference 
and  the  centre.  It  cannot  be  formed  of  Dukes,  because  a  Duke  is 
above  a  Marquis,  and  the  centre  of  a  circle  can  nohow  be  below  the 
circumference.  Neither  can  it  be  constituted  of  Ivirls,  inasmuch  as  a 
Marquis  is  above  an  Earl,  and  the  circumference  of  a  circle  cannot  be 
below  the  centre.  Perhaps  it  consists  of  plain  gentlemen,  who  may  be 
said  to  be  on  a  plane  or  level  with  anybody. 

To  be  told,  in  reasonable  terms,  simply  that  a  nobleman  is  sur- 
rounded by  a  select  circle,  is  something  agreeable  after  having  been  so 


OCTOBER  31,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LOXDOX  CHAR  I VA  V.  I. 


179 


often  a!;- ;  d.thal.  this  or  that  man  of  rank  was  entertaining 

only  can  do,  thoiigh  no  clown  in 

the  ri  i. en  does  it.     U  e  once  heard  a  clown  who  was  sur- 

lily by  a  liiej-,  but  also  by  a  circle  in  the  shape  of  a 
himself  whilst  he  was  iu  the  act 
•y,  before  !, 

liddle;"  but  it  would  be  im- 
proper to  apply  I  his  q  centre  of  that  circle  which  sur- 
rounds the  M  \  ML:  for  the  centre  of  a  circle  has  a 
point,  and  a  point  has  no  parts  or 

mis  possesses  sonic  understanding,  and  is,  moreover,  one  of  the 
great. 

JAMES      THOMPSON,     ESQ. 

(or  CHEAP31DE.) 

Tin-    tnitial  Syatemhu  turni  ;  out  partially  a  dead  letter ;  at  least, 

the    1  r  Office  never  was  so  full  as  at  the  present,  moment. 

«ly  cause  -i  ,y  of  time,  and  this 

•IM-S  Iroiii  the  endless  Mistakes  that  are  constantly  occurring. 

lersons  are  too  lazy,  or  eKe  too  busy,  to  consult,  their  Street  (luiile; 

and  so,  in  their  huiry  or  indolence,  they  dab  down  any  initial,  ' 

their  geographical  mind,  seems  to  be  the  ,  to  the  truth. 

after  confusion ;   so  that    letters  ,  i  to  the 

to  be  sorted  and  resort ed,  until  the,  error 

is   corrected.     We  need  hardly  state,  that   this  loose  system   is  not 
sort  to  avoid  delay.     Sometimes  the  mistake  is  on 
the  tide  of  the   Post,  Office;  as,  for  ins;  maiked 

N.W.,  :'ur  the   North-West    division   of    London,  is 

forwarded  to  North   U  ales.     But  more  fretMifntly  the   error  is  the 
natural  result  of  1  i  -ness  of  the.'  corrcspoi,  > 

Our  readers,  doubl  collect  the  sample  addr<  s  given 

in  the  Post-(  i  (price  Irf.).    It  ran  as  follows  — 


/:vf. , 
:00,  CktapMl, 

/-',„,,',>,,. 
S.C. 


PIOUS    BLACK  I 

'''  happy  i  umounccmcnt   tint   a  great   religious 

nt  is  on  ft,,  is  now  to  be 

against  Kvan  |,,  other 

OKST  UK  PALL  is  o 

e  to  enrol  t 

[uadron.     They  wear  a  blue  uniform  v, 
id  the  emblazoned  initials   S.Y.P.,  which  n 
aiut,  or  imply  "Shoes  V.ll  Polished.'' 

are  already  at  work  at  thi  West-end.     \\V  1,,-ar  tlrr  ;  re  their 

religious  scruples,  that  ll  ,     I'micsiam,  liquid  for  their 

forwarded  from  Home  b. 

red  pomatum  called  the  I 

ing  is  warranted  to  melt  on  a  Catholic  foot  b> 

board,  but  to  ard  as  coal  should  a  try  to  get  a 

polish. 

This  is  all  right,  and  we  are  glad  to  ft  ,|.    But 

is  there  to  be  no  for  other  divisions  of  n-li- 

but  Evangelicals  and  Catholics  to  black  and  be  bli.-k,-d  -     -\ie 
Puseyitea  to  go  about   with  muddy  boots?     Is  the  Hi-'!,  Church  to 
t  dirty  lli^hl  .-.-., :-     p  the  Diwentei  ;  i  And 

the  Jew,  are  pm  ;.,  deny  him  their  office:'     This  i- M  r-larian 

intolerance,  and  not  to  be  endured  in  the  nineteenth  centur 
tatn  ought  at  once  to  be  commenced.     Euro  .'  in  this 

matter,   somewhat   of   the    opinion   of    MR.   THOMAS  MOOHE    who 
beautifully  says: — 

1C  bold  child  of  the  Blackin?  P,ri_- 
\V  ho  scrubs  at  my  corns,  if  our  creeds  agree  ; 
Shall  1  injure  that  gav  little  shoe-blacker's  trade, 

[f  he  kneel  mt  orthodo 

From  the  lien  tic  Boots  at  the  Swan  shall  i 
To  some  Papist  who  over  my  bin: 

rish  the  hearts  and  tl 
I'.msli  blacking,  or  shine  by  a  standard  like  this.' 


Now,  will  it  be  believed— and  the  fact  is  so  outrageously  absurd 

is  almost  incredible  -  thai  hundreds  and  hundreds  of  fools  have 

copied  the  above  address  literally.     James  Thompson  has  enjoyed  for 

months  past  the  he  -r.ee  of  any  man  in  the  world.     Tlie 

Editor  of  Hfll's  Lift',  to  whom  most  matters  of  dispute,  from  tennis  to 

f,   ate   ref;  receive   one-thousandth    part    the 

nnmlvi  of  missives  that  are   sem  of  the  illustrious 

unknown,  who  docs  No.  300,  Chcapsidc,  for  t  lu  simple  reason 

three  hundred  houses  in  that  street.     No  man  has 

given  i  i  >e  so  much  trouble  siuce  the  days  of  JOSEPU  ADY, 

of  -something  -(on-  the  -rcceipt-of-tweh  ips)-to-your- 

.     Ji/mf,s   T.  < '.<q.t  be  lie  living  or  dead,  can 

licit!!?  the,  beat-lettered  man  of  the  day.    It  takes 

more  clerks  than  BAKIM,  BROTHKU  have  in  their  lordly  establishment 

to  open  and  attend  to  his  extensive  correspondence.    "What  a  man  of 

information  he  nmst  be!     What  secrets  !— what,  loeks  of  hair!  — what 

f  wedding-cake!— what  political  watchwords !— what   vestry 

conspiracies !     what  tender  avowals  of  blushing  affection! — must  be 

poured  into  his  confiding  ear !    lie  could  uii  yon,  probably  what  the 

Second-Floor  of  No.  59,  Upper  Baker  Street,  Little  Pedlington,  had 

for  dinner  yesterday  !    (i-iin  his  confidence,  and  vou  will  <l 

learn  the  name  of  the  "Winner  of  the,  Derby*  three  \ 

ink    Selections    frota   the   Correspondence  of  Ja/net 
</.,  would  make  the  most  curious  book  of  the  dav. 
aic  other  fools,  who,  mixing  up  a  lit  tie  caution  with  their  folly 

x  "to  the  care  of"  the  favoured  J.  '!'. 
scuu  a  loiter,  in  a  beautiful  little  baiidwritiug,  directed  thus  :— 

His  EMINENCE,  CAHDIXAL  WUEMAK, 
35,  GoW.ii  .S<;«ar«, 

To  the  Care  of 
./am. 

300,  ClM'jtside, 
Zo;i, 
EC. 


Who  would  believe  that  Folly  in  England  CUT  (Mended  over  so 
large  an  ana  r  It  is  our  opinion  I  hat  its  Empire  is  only  restricted  by 
the  limits  ol  the  Penny  J'u.il.  \Ve  hope  the  incredulous  reader  will 
not  imagine  that  we  have  invented  the  above  incidents.  \\\-  can 
assure  him  that,  strange  as  they  anpear,  tliey  are  positive/acts.  If  he 
doubts  our  wind,  let  him  wiii  .,  fag -f  m&  ^  njm 

whether  we  have  made  an  improper  use  of  his  name. 


THE  PABTING   OF  THE  PICTURES. 

HAFPORD  mourns— or  rather. 
by  the  way.  "lournj 

for  all  its  inhabitants  have 
protested  against  anything 
so  rational  and  popular  as  a 
Museum  of  Art  being  con- 
tinued in  their  dusty  suburb- 
Old  Trafford,  therefore,  may 
be  more  accurately  said  to 
rejoice,  while  ' 
DBASE  stands,  like  another 
WELLINGTON-,  making  resti- 
tution of  Art  Treasures. 
ror  the  Manchester  Exhi- 
bition is  over. 

The  parting  of   pictures 
that  will  never  meet  again 
in  this  world,  except  by  a 
•as  remote  as  that  of 
VIU.IAMS'S  mak- 
ing a  good  speech,  was  most 
affecting.     Henry  this  Eighth 
I  from 

the  Fourth,  the  Slue 
Hoy  blubbered  as  t  hey  tore 
i  om  the   Hover   Girl. 
and  Sir  Isaac  Keteto*  looked 

gjallantly  led  away  Nelly  O'Brieit.    The  clatter  and  clamour  among 
tue   men-in-armour   as   they  swore   eternal  friendship    before   thev 
were  pulled  to  pieces  by  the  stern  Chief  Commissioner,  resembled 
;t  ot  the  congregation  of  lobsters  breaking  up  after  S.  -ANTHONY'S 
sermon  to  the   fishes.     The  Old  Masters  were  men  of  a  stronger 
They  have  known  the   world  long,  and  know  that  nothin-* 
inescent  as  friendship :  but  RUBENS  had  something  to  whisper 
to  JvrTY,  and  CLAUDE  and  TCUNER  were  observed  in  a  long  con- 
'  Tabulation.      Several  great   men    said  words   of  encouragement   and 

ming 

up  with  greedy  «  ionately  tucked  his  friend  under  his  arm 

aud  bore  him  away  111  s; 

we  likened  Ma.JoHB  DKAXI,  to  the  DI;K_E  of  WELLINGTON 
but  we  should  in  justice  first  liken  him  to  NAPOLEON.  For  did  he  not 
ransack  the  most  sacred  treasure-houses  of  art,  and  bear  away  their 


180 

choicest  contents  to  Manchester?  Echo  answers  in  the  affirmative^ 
For  months  the  nation  has  been  revelling  'V'  %[*  *™  *-lm  1ms 
brouBht  together-  and  it  is  agreed  m  society,  that  the  man  who  has 
Keen  the .A  rt-T  easures  hi  seen  nothing.  And  .then  comethour 
well befoved  DBASE  in  his  second  Avatar,  and  banishing  the  puhl.c 
From  his  sight,  and  kicking  DONALD,  the  ex  or lonate  suttlci  into 
infinite  space,  he  makes  such  restoration  as  did  the  Iron  l)uke  when 
he  bade  the  Louvre  render  up  to  its  lawful  owners  the  spoils  of  a 

C°MdCtherefore  Mr.  Punch  deems' that  some  signal  honour  should  be 


PINCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  31,  1857. 


conferred  upon  the  said  NAPOLEON-WELLINGTON-DEANE.     knight- 
hood !    Bah  !    They  knight  mayors,  and  aldermen,  and  all  sorts  ot  tat 
cattle.     Baronetcy!     Why,   SIR   JOHN  SHELLEY'S  a  baronet,  and 
!  DUNDAS  CHRISTOPHER  HAMILTON  KISBET  means  to  be  one.    Jiarou 
!  Pooh.  ROBERT  GHOSVENOK'S  a  baron;  and  so  we  could  run  up  to  the 
top,  or  exceeding  near  it,  of  the  ladder  of  honour.    What  shall  be  done 
;  unto  NAPOLEON-WELLINGTON-DEANE  for  that  winch  he  lias  done  r 

We  will  consider  of  it,  and  the  public  shall  know  the  result.  Mean- 
time, it  is  not  a  bad  instalment  of  his  reward,  that  Mr.  Punch  claps  him 
on  the  back,  and  says  "Bono,  JOHNNY  ! ' 


THE    WARRIOR    AND    THE    WAITER. 

A  SERGEANT,  recruiting,  his  energies  spent, 

And  was  forced  to  recruit  his  own  frame ; 
So  into  a  Tavern  and  Chophouse  he  went. 

He  called,  and  a  tall  waiter  came. 


"  A  steak ! "  said  the  Soldier,  and, 
The  waiter  immediately  cried. 


'  Cook !  a  rump-steak ! " 


"  Any  beer,  ale  or  porter.  Sir  ?  which  would  you  take  ?  " 
"  Pint  of  stout ! "  the  bold  Sergeant  replied. 

The  steak  soon  was  brought,  with  potatoes  and  bread, 

And  one  thing  to  state  I  forgot, 
That  his  steak  when  he  ordered,  the  customer  said, 

That  he  with  it  would  have  a  'chalot. 

To  follow,  the  Sergeant  then  ordered  stewed-cheese ; 

And,  having  sufficiently  dined, 
Cried,  "  Hoy,  there !  a  glass  of  mixed  punch,  if  you  please ; 

And  let  it  be  hot,  young  man,  mind." 

The  tumbler  of  punch  soon  our  hero  drank  out, 
(  And  then  summoned  the  waiter,  to  say 
"  Hump-steak,  'chalot,  taters,  one  bread,  pint  of  stout, 
And  stewed-cheese,  and  mixed  punch.    What 's  to  pay  ? " 

"  Two-and-eight,"  was  the  answer :  the  Sergeant  put  down 

On  the  table  before  him  the  sum, 
With  a  penny  moreover:  at  which  single  "brown" 

The  dissatisfied  waiter  looked  glum. 


"  Ay,  ay,"  said  the  Sergeant,  "  I  know  that  won't  do. 

Here'take  this,  my  lad— you  understand : 
This  will  much  better  suit  a  fine  fellow  like  you : 

And  a  shilling  he  slipped  in  his  hand. 

It  closed  on  the  coin,  and  the  napkin  let  drop. 

" I '11  hand  plates,"  cried  the  waiter,  ''no  more; 
Let  girls  serve  in  Tavern  as  well  as  in  Shop ! " 

He  is  now  on  his  way  to  Cawnpore. 


ORIENTAL  ORTHOGRAPHY. 

IT  used  to  be  a  rule  in  orthography  that  q  is  always  followed  by  a. 
To  this  rule  even  an  exception  has,  however,  been  presented  by  MR. 
W.  N.  LEES,  who,  in  a  letter  to  the  Post,  spells  Koran  with  a  Q 
simply  instead  of  a  K— "Qoran."  This  gentleman  signs  himselt 
"Principal  of  the  Mohummudun  College,  Calcutta."  His  ortho- 
graphical notions  appear  to  be  peculiar.  We  have  seen  MAHOMET'S 
book  spelt  Kuran,  and  his  own  name  all  manner  of  odd  ways ;  but 
none  of  the  methods  of  spelling  either  the  Prophet's  name  or  his 
book  that  we  have  before  met  with  have  equalled  in  eccentricity 
"Mohummud"  and  "Qoran."  In  writing  "Mohummudun"  for 
"  Mahometan,"  MR.  LEES  appears  to  have  completely  '  done  it. 


A  Bit  of  Pig. 

THE  SKclf  has  been  lately  giving  the  details  of  a  stupendous  project 
for  connecting  England  and  France  by  means  of  a  submarine  tunnel. 
The  projector  of  the  scheme  is  a  certain  M.  A.  THOME  DE  GAMOND. 
To  an  English  ear  this  sounds  very  much  like  Gammon. 


PUNCH.  OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI.— OCTOBER  31,  1857. 


MR.  BULL'S   EXPENSIVE   TOYS. 

FIRST  HOUSEHOLD  S\TELL.  "  SHARP  WORK  IN  INDIAW !  " 

SECOND  Do.  Do.   "  YA'AS  !— WHAT  A  BAW  A  SOLDIER'S  LIFE  MUST  BE  !  " 


OCTOBER  31,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDOX   CIFARIV 


163 


"WILL  IT  WASH? 

AN  apparently  funny  invention  lias  ju-,1  been  patented  by  a  gentle- 
man of  Manchester,  Mil.  JOHN  DE  LA  HAVE.  It  consists  in  a 
contrivance  for  sue:  K-ctric  cables.  Apparently  funny  we  call 

it,  because,  even  if  we  were  not  so  wise  as  we  should  be,  and  are, 
experience,  which  would  have  taught  even  ourselves  wisdom,  would 
have  made  us  know  better  than  to  make  fun  of  any  invrmion  without 
sullicicntly  understanding  it  to  be  quite  sure  that  il  involved  something 
impossible  or  absurd.  There  are  wiseacres  yet  living  who  ought  to 
blush  at  a  gas-lamp,  and  hide  their  faces  at  the  sight,  of  a  locomotive. 
We  will  not  risk  <  m  in  their  category,  by  comparing  the 

project  of  .Mil.  HE  i,.v   lUvi;  with  the  devices  of  the  Laputan 
but  its  seeming  oddity  suggests  to  us  a  question  which  appears  not  to 
have  occurred  to  any  oi!  i  TOUS  meeting  of  >•  a  whom, 

at  the  Town-hall,  VI  pounded  by  its  inventor  : 

who,  according  to  the    Times,  said  that — 

' '  Tho  plan  ho  would  adopt  would  be  to  encase  a  cahlo  prepared  like  tb»t  for  the 
Atlantic  Ocean  in  a  soluble  compound  (tho  romp  ?,i'inu  ul  which  lie  would  uot  now 

on  the  surface  <>t  the  water.    The  coating 

he  proposed  to  use  for  this  purpose  he  supposed  would  hold  it  on  the  surface  of  tho 
waves  while  ab^ut  live  miles  of  cable  were  payed  out  from  tho  vesael  before  it  becfan 
to  dissolve,  aud  as  it  would  dissolve  Krail"ally.  .so  the-  cable  would  sink  gradually  to 
tho  bed  of  the  ocean.  By  this  m--;ms  ho  calculated  that  there  would  always  be  about 
five  miles  of  cablo  lying  0:1  tho  surfico  of  the  water  in  the  wake  of  the  vessel,  aud 
the  remainder  would  describe  :ITI  incline  to  within  100  or  200  feet  of  the  bed  of  tho 
ocean,  so  that  thero  would  be  comparatively  little  strain,  and  cooaoquently  less 
liability  of  lu-eakaRo.  The  cable  would  iL-sivivl  into  tho  ocean  almost  horizontally 
instead  of  perpendicularly." 

In  the  above  account  there  is  a  little  parenthesis  which  deters  us 
from  recommending  MR.  DE  LA  HATE  to  turn  his  attention  to  the 
problem  of  extiacting  sunbeams  from  cucumbers.  His  soluble  com- 
pound, he  said,  was  one,  "  the  composition  of  which  he  would  not  now 
mention."  Iced  cream  adroitly  disposed  aroiind  a  cable  would  perhaps 
support  it  in  the  manner  above  described,  if  it  could  be  procured  m 
suihricut  quantity,  and  laid  down  continuously  in  weather  not  too  cold 
—upon  one  condition.  A  dead  calm  would  be  required  to  reign  at  the 
time.  At  least  the  operation  would  not  be  practicable  whilst  the  waves 
were  running  mountains  high,  even  if  the  cream  were  laid  down  in 
long  ice-bergs.  It  would  be  necessary  that  the  Atlantic  should  be  in 
a  particularly  good  humour  to  enable  it  to  be  performed.  A  large 
flock  of  halcyons  or  kingfishers  would  haw  t  o  be  collected  and  trained, 
if  possible,  to  produce  the  desired  effect.  With  any  ordinary  substance 
it  would  be  impossible  to  accomplish  the  design.  But  perhaps  MR. 
DE  LA  HAVE  employs  an  extraordinary  substance,  and  is  prepared  to 
answer  the  question  : — How  about  the  waves  't 


CRINOLINE    FOR,  GENTLEMEN. 

0   BLANK  PUNCH,   ESQUIKE. 
These  with  care. 

"  I  PROPOSE,  Sir,  to  call 
them  the  INFLATED  PEGTOPS. 
Under  that  name  I  intend 
forthwith  to  make  them  Pa- 
tent. Had  the  Manchester 
Art  Palace  continued  to  be 
open,  I  should  have  exhibited 
these  Treasures  on  my  own 
lay  figure.  As  it  is,  I  must 
resort  to  other  means  to  show 
them  to  the  world  ;  and  I  pe- 
tition you,  Sir,  therefore  to 
allow  an  illustration  of  them 
to  adorn  your  pages.  If  you 
fear  their  exhibition  will" of- 
fend your  lady-readers,  allow 
me  a  few  inches  of  your  valu- 
able space  (space  is  always 
'  valuable,'  even  in  the  Morn- 
ing Herald),  and  I  will  tell 

them  what  has  tempted  me  to  take  this  leaf  out  of  their  Fashion- 
books. 

"  In  the  Crst  place,  the  dear  creatures  must  believe  me  when  I  say, 
that  I  am  perfectly  incapable  of  joining  in  a  laugh  at  them.  However 
near  1  may  unguardedly  approach  the  verge  of  doing  so,  my  better 
nature  always  is  quite  sure  to  get  the  better  of  me.  and  I  then  recoil 
from  the  enormity  as  though  it  were  a  precipice.  When,  therefoie,  I 
submit  niy  new  invention  to  their  eyes,  i  do  so  without  fear  of  their 
mistaking  it  for  ridicule.  I  should  not  ask  t  heir  sanction  to  my  putting 
on  my  pegtops,  if  I  thought  they  would  consider  them  a  take-off  of 
their  petticoats.  In  fact,  if  I  imagined  that  the  cuts  which  illustrate 
this  article  would  be  viewed  by  the  dear  creatures  as  cuts  i 
costume,  I  would  rather,  Sir,  have  lived  when  heads  were  taken  oil', 
and  that  myself,  and  not  my  sketches,  had  been  brought  to  the  Block. 


"  Acquitting  me,  therefore,  of  all  thought  of  making  fun  of  them, 

ill  feel  naturally  curious  to  know,  why  I  purpose  wearing  my 

Inflated  1'egtops  ?  and  what  can  be  the  good  of  their  preposterous 

expansion '•     To  these  momentous  questions  permit  me,  ladies,  for  the 

,  to  return  ,  by  asking  why  do  you  wear 

Crinoline?  where  on  earth's  the  good  of  it  '• 

"  Now,  of  -o  outrageously  absurd  as  to 

expect  '  .ill  favour  me  at  once  with  reasonable    responses. 

The  utmost  lean  hope  Iron.  ui  is  that,  in  answer  to 

my  one  query,  she  should  say,  oose;  and,  in  answer  to 

ie  should  tell  me  Not  to  bother.     In  ic,  these 

replies  would  be  accounted  'reasons;'   for,  as   SYDNEY  SMITH  the 

reverend,  unflinchingly  asserts,  the  mind  female  does  not  reason,  in  the 

in  which  the  mind  male  undersb;  rb. 

"  1  will,  therefore,  ladies,  take  the  liberty  •  ij  my  questions 

myself,  and  of  seeking  out  some  reasons—  boni!  tide  reasons — for  you. 

ul  if  .!//•.  I'rni-li  v.  ill  !ri    ;,.>!i,  you  will  have  ' 
•asurc  in  your  hands  of  saying  the  last  word,  and  of  showing,  if  | 
you  can,  that  i  have  jumped  to  false  conclusions. 

"Now,  why  do  you  wear  Crinoline? — Because  your  next-door 
neighbours  do  ?  Because  tin:  KMI-HISS  or  THE  FUKM  H  does  ?  This 
would  only  prove  what  SYDNEY  SMITH — that  ungallant  divine— Ins 
also  said,  that  '  AVomau  is  at  best  but  an  imitative  animal.'  Would  you  | 
have  your  heads  shaved,  because  your  next-door  neighbours  had  ? 
Your  grandmothers  wore  hair-powder  for  no  more  reasonable  reason. 
Of  the  two,  I  think  a  head  clean  shaved  would  be  a  sight  more  comely 
than  a  dust-and-dirt-bepowdered  one.  And  pray,  what  have  you  to  do 
with  what  the  EMPRESS  OF  THE  FRENCH  does  ?  What's  EUGENIE  to 
TOU,  or  you  to  EUGENIE  P  If  an  Englishm..  take  a  Queen  as 

her  life  model,  let  her  be  a  loyal  subject,  and  not  look  across  the 
Channel  for  one. 

"But  why  do  you  wear  Crinoline'? — Because  it  is  the  fashion? 
,  but  who  sets  the  fashion  ?  the  lady,  or  t  IK;  milliner  ?  the  wearer, 
or  the  worker  ?  Are  you  not  all  slaves,  abject  slaves,  t  o  your  modules  ? 
Is  not  every  one  of  you  at  the  mciey  of  her  dress-maker:  under  her 
thumb  and  thimble  as  completely,  sleeve  and  body,  as  though  you 
were  but  serfs,  and  she  enthroned  in  might ,  Empress  of  all  the  Bustles  ? 
But  then  there  are  the  fashion-books.  Following  the  fashion,  of  course 
you  read  the  fashion-hooks.  You  consult  them  as  your  oracles ;  and 
regard  them  as  infallible  (being  printed)  proofs  that  Crinoline's  'The 
Thing,'  let  men  say  what  they  will  of  it.  But  you  forget  to  ask  the 
question,  Who  gets  up  the  fashion-books?  And  might  you  not  be 
startled  if  you  learnt  that  in  accepting  them  as  absolute  authorities, 
and  bowing  to  their  nod,  you  are  in  fact  complacently  salaaming  to 
your  dress-makers. 

"  Why,  then,  do  you  wear  Crinoline  ?— Because  you  think  it  is  be- 
coming to  you  ?  Well,  a  bread-and-butter  Miss  might  be  excused  such 
miss-conception ;  but  that  any  grown-up  Woman,  who  is  passed  her 
skipping-rope  and  pinafore,  should  entertain  that  thought,  it  quite 
surpasses  man's  believing.  I  cannot  yield  my  faith  to  such  a  libel  on 
the  sex.  The  mind  female  may  not  reason,  but  it  is  not  idiotic.  The 
brain  feminine  is  capable  of  ocular  impression.  Mirrors  give  the 
means  of  outward  self-examination ;  and  the  lady  who  can  look  her 
cheval-glass  in  the  face,  and  sa.y  deformity  becomes  her,  must  have  a 
bunding  pigstye  in  her  mental  vision. 

"  Then  why  do  you  w —  No,  don't  say  that.  Don't  catch  me  up 
so  short,  that  it 's  '  to  please^ihe  gentlemen ! '  I  really  cannot  suffer 
you  to  foster  that  delusion.  After  all  we  've  said  and  written  to  you, 
how  can  you  dream  of  doing  so?  Pick  out  any  number  of  unbiassed 
men  you  will— by  '  unbiassed '  I  mean,  being  neither  henpecked  fools 
nor  lovers, — put  them  in  a  jury-box  (an  opera  one  will  do),  and  ask 
them  what  they  think  of  you,  in  Crinoline  and  out  of  it.  There  would 
not  be  need  of  much  deliberation.  Were  I  their  foreman,  I  should 
have  to  say  (however  it  might  pain  me  to  use  such  harsh  expressions) — 

"  When  lovely  Woman  stoops  to  Crinoline,  the  ceases  to  be  Woman,  and 
becomes  a  Monster." 

"  This  would  be  their  verdict.  Were  a  million  men  empanelled, 
still  I  'd  bet  you  gloves  all  round  you  'd  not  find  a  dissentient. 

"  After  all,  then,  1  must  own  the  Why  you  wear  your  Crinoline  ?  is 
an  unguessable  conundrum.  The  mysteries  of  female  dress  are  not 
for  men  to  fathom.  To  the  male  eye  there  is  neither  use  nor  beauty 
in  exuberance  of  skirt ;  or,  at  least,  its  only  use  appears  to  be  in  hiding 
dirty  stockings,  or  some  personal  defect.  Men  in  general  believe,  that 
the  inventress  of  Crinoline  was  a  sloven  about  her  ancles,  or  had  pos- 
sibly splay  feet.  And  then  they  draw  the  cruel  inference,  that  those  who 
copy  her  invention  are  impelled  by  reasons  similar :  seeing  that  no 
better  have  as  yet  forthcome  from  them. 

'  Mais  revenoits  »  not  Pegtops.  MY  reasons  for  inventing  THEM  it 

needs  no  blush  to  palliate.    I  did  so  purely  out  of  compliment  to  your 

superior  As  you  seem  to  think  that  Nature  is  improved  by 

wearing  Crinoline,  let  me  profit  by  the  thought,  and  share  with  you 

If  the  '  human  form  divine '  be  beautified  by  hoops,  be'ing 

claim  an  equal  right  with  you  to  wear  them.     For  what 

reason  should  n.\  s>>\  debar  me  from  the  privilege  ?    Why  should  you 


184 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  31,  1857. 


keep  all  the  '  pood  figures '  to  yourselves  ?  Free  trade  in  them,  say  I ! 
Tbe  unfairest  of  your  sex  would  surely  not  be  a  Monopolist. 

"  hi  one  point,  though,  we  are  not  quite  on  an  equality.  In  the 
matter  of  expense  I  have  certainly  the  better  of  you— or  I  should  say, 
of  your  husbands.  My  Pegtops  are  not  costly  in  the  mode  of  their 
expauikm.  To  inflate  them  there  is  no  need  of  such  raising  of  the 
wind  as  there  is  with  your  air  petticoats.  Old  oyster  barrel  hoops  are 
cheaper  than  steel  fixings.  And  I  can  tie  them  in  myself— non  tailori 
avxilio— without  calling  in  a  STULTZ.  Expansive  as  you  please ;  but 
not  expensive  likewise. 

"  Having  thus  explained  myself,  I  ask  you,  ladies,  not  to  laugh  at 
me  if  you  should  see  ine  wear  them.  Recollect  that  I  shall  do  so  in 
pure  compliment  to  you.  Cumbersome  they  may  be;  oppressive; 
inconvenient ;  nay,  I  "11  even  go  so  far  as  to  admit  them  to  be  ugly  ! 
Hut  then,  what  of  that  ?  Rightly  viewed,  their  very  ugliness  will  con- 
stitute their  beauty.  For  the  more  they  may  with  truth  be  called 
cumbrous  and  uncouth,  the  more  they  will  resemble  those  stiff  petti- 
coats of  yours,  and  the  more  you  will  appreciate  my  delicate  intentions. 
To  keep  the  THING  in  countenance,  so  long  as  you  wear  Crinoline  I 
shall  sport  my  Pegtops ;  and  I  hope  you  will  agree,  ladies,  with  one 
who  even  now  admires  you,  that — 


"IMITATION  is  BUT  THE  SISCEREST  FORM  OP  FLATTERY  !' 


MR.    COX    ON    ENGLISH    HISTORY. 

MOST  members  of  Parliament  enliven  their  little  holiday  by  givin<* 
lectures  to  their  constituents.  The  mind  of  MR.  Cox  has  long  been 
nobly  intent  upon  a  similar  pursuit.  The  young  men  of  Finsbury  have 
been  recently  enb^htened  with  Ms  peculiar  views  upon  English  History 
The  whole  lecture  was  a  great  treat.  It  was  given  before  the  assem- 
bled intellect  of  the  borough,  at  the  Wat  Tyler,  abutting  Constitution 
Place,  near  the  spot  where  formerly  stood  the  Mechanics'  Institute 
which  has  since  been  C9nverted  into  a  shooting  gallery 

Our  limited  space  spitefully  deprives  us  of  the  pleasure  of  givin°-  the 
entire  lecture,  but  the  following  extracts  will  sutlice  to  give  the  reader 
a  tolerable  taste  of  what  the  intellectual  banquet  was  like  :— 

"Gentlemen  (began  ME.  Cox,  after  smoothing  his  brow  and 
coughing  nervously  two  or  three  times),  it  was  not  until  after  the 
±lood,  that  WILLIAM  the  Conqueror  sprang  upon  the  British  shore 
exclaiming  in  his  rich  Norman  dialect,  Vent,  Fidi,  Vici.  In  a  moment 
the  land,  feeling  the  iron  foot-print  of  his  power,  lay  like  a  door-mat 
at  his  feet.  He  did  not  abuse  his  power,  for  PLINY  tells  us  in  his 
Commentaries  that,  night  and  day  he  went  about  searching  for  the  bodv 
of  HAROLD,  which,  greatly  owing  to  the  remissness  of  a  bloated 
aristocracy  (cheert),  m  not  offering  a  suitable  reward  for  its  recoverv 
has,  like  the  secret  of  the  authorship  of  the  Letters  of  Lord  Chesterfield 
never  been  discovered  to  the  present  day.  We  next  come  to  ALFRED' 
and  the  fine  picture  he  presents  in  history,  of  selling  cakes  at  three  a 
penny,  which  has  been  so  beautifully  engraved  by  WILKIE.  This 


picture,  Gentlemen,  is  in  its  line,  only  a  proof  impression  of  what  a 
king  can  do  when  he  is  driven  to  earn  his  bread,  as  ALFRED  was  driven 
by  the  Si.  CLEMENT  DANES  of  that  dark  period,  long  before  gas  was 
invented.  (Tiro  cries  of  hear  !  hear!)  From  bread  to  BACON,  the  tran- 
sition is  only  natural.  It  is  only  in  the  reign  of  QUEEN  ANNE,  of 
whose  death  I  take  this  premature  opportunity  of  giving  you  the  early 
intelligence  (a  cheer),  that  we  find  BACON  in  his  prime.  However,  I 
need  not  tell  you,  what  must  be  sufficiently  well  known  to  you  all, 
that  the  philosophy  of  BACON  is  pure  gammon.  There  is  no 
doubt  of  that,  and  so  I  will  not  follow  the  bad  taste  shown  by  LADY 
BASIL  MONTAGUE,  and  others,  in  pouring  butter  upon  BACON.  (Loud 
cheers.)  Let  us  rather  follow  the  flowery  meads  of  Smithfield,  and 
passing  the  fires  which  are  blazing  there,  and  one  of  which  afterwards 
burnt  down  three-fourths  of  the  city,  run  to  meet  our  old  favourite, 
GUY  FAUX.  The  city  at  that  time  had  risen,  like  a  second  Venice, 
from  its  ashes.  The  Battle  of  Battle  Bridge  had  been  fought. 
CHARLES  had  lost  his  head  at  King's  Cross.  MONK  long  ago  nad 
retired  into  a  monastery.  The  political  horizon  was  as  black  as  that  of 
Manchester,  when  all  of  a  sudden,  GUY  FAUX  burst  upon  the  astonished 
view  of  the  nation,  like  a  meteoric  sky-rocket.  He  is  generally  drawn 
as  a  lank  lanthorn-jawed  miscreant,  but  that,  my  friends,  is  only  a  squib  of 
the  day.  I  can  tell  you.  Gentlemen,  that  GUY  was  a  match  for  any 
king.  (Long-continued  applause.)  It  is  true  that  he  was  unpopular— and 
why  ?  Because  he  attempted  to  blow  up  the  House  of  Lords,  as  LORD 
JOHN  RUSSELL  has  since  done,  because  they  would  not  admit  the  Jews 
into  Parliament.  Is  LORD  JOHN  carried  about  in  a  chair  ?  No— his 
chairing  is  always  of  a  more  triumphant  kind.  Is  straw  put  into  LORD 
JOUN'S  boots  ?  is  a  pipe  stuck  into  his  mouth  ?  is  he  compelled  to  strut 
about  the  streets  with  a  Pope's  cap  on  his  head,  a  Roman  candle  in  his 
hand,  and  all  the  Cardinal  virtues  trampled,  like  so  many  oyster-shells 
at  Billingsgate,  under  his  feet  ?  No — no— no.  Then  why,  I  demand, 
are  these  iniquities  put  upon  poor  GUY,  who,  in  spite  of  his  being 
broken  at  Tyburn  on  a  Catherine  Wheel,  is,  and  ever  will  be,  one  of 
the  most  shining  lights  of  the  British  Constitution.  (Tremendous 
applause,  during  which  the  meeting  was  suspended  for  ten  minutes.)  In 
the  heat  of  our  enthusiasm,  we  must  not  forget  HENRY  THE  EIGHTH. 
We  may  not  admire  him  as  a  king,  but  as  a  husband  we  are  bound  to 
confess  he  was  first-chop.  BLUE  BEARD  wasn't  a  patch  upon  him.  (4 
laugh.)  He  attempted  the  Lives  of  the  Queens  of  England,  and  got 
through  several  of  them,  long  before  Miss  STRICKLAND  ever  laid  her 
hand  upon  the  series.  (Sensation.)  The  four  GEORGES  follow  in  their 
due  order.  They  had  what  I  call  a  Georgeous  reign  of  it.  (Another 
laugh.)  One  of  them  went  down  at  Spithead,  but  wliich  of  the  Royal 
Georges  it  was,  I  should  be  out  of  my  depth  if  I  attempted  to 
tell  you.  No  statement  should  be  delivered  freely,  any  more 
than  a  letter,  unless  it  has  the  Truth,  like  a  postage-stamp,  boldly 
conspicuous  on  the  front  of  it.  If  it  were  not  for  accuracy, 
the  multiplication-table  would  not  have  a  leg  to  stand  upon. 
Fair-play  was  observed  by  the  late  MR.  RICHARDSON  even  at  Green- 
wich. The  Battle  of  Waterloo  was  fought,  if  I  mistake  not, 
during  the  present  century.  I  am  not  deceiving  you,  Gentlemen ;  1 
have  witnessed  it  myself  at  ASTLEY'S  very  often.  I  never  saw 
NAPOLEON,  but  I  am  told  that  he  was  something  like  MR.  GOMERSAI. 
WILLIAM  THE  FOURTH  has  written  his  name  on  the  Reform  Bill,  so 
familiarly  called  BILL,  because  it  was  carried  during  his  immortal 
reign.  Our  present  monarch  is  HER  MOST  GRACIOUS  MAJESTY  QUEEN 
VICTORIA.  This  last  piece  of  information  concludes  my  lecture.  My 
historical  facts  are  all  uniformly  correct.  I  am  too  much  of  a  lawyer 
not  to  know  that  'What  is  writ  is  writ.'  Service,  like  practice,  makes 
perfect,  and  it  is  specially  true  of  a  legal  practice ;  but  should  there  be 
any  misrepresentation,  I  must  beg  of  you  to  bear  fully  in  mind. 
Gentlemen,  that  I  am  your  Member.  I  can  safely  take  upon  myself 
to  say,  that  it  would  not  be  the  first  time,  to  my  knowledge,  that 
Finsbury  had  been  misrepresented." 

[Tumultuous  cheering,  and  a  general  rush  for  great  coats  and  sticks. 
MR.  Cox  had  to  take  refuge  in  a  Police-Kan  that  was  passing,  in 
order  to  escape  from  the  enthusiastic  embraces  of  the  multitude! 


A  SNEER  AND  A  BLUNDER. 

THE  advocates  of  the  Sepoys,  and  advocates  of  all  or  any  black- 
guards and  scoundrels  who  provoke  the  just  ire  of  everybody  else, 
have  repeatedly  cast  an  extremely  ridiculous  taunt  against  those  who 
desire  that  the  Indian  mutineers  should  be  hanged.  "  It  is  all  very 
well,"  they  say,  "  for  writers  sitting  quietly  at  their  desks  to  call  for 
the  extermination  of  the  revolted  troops."  Just  as  if  the  wish  for  the 
destruction  of  those  wretches  would  not  be  rather  highly  intensified 
on  the  writers'  parts,  if,  instead  of  sitting  quietly  at  "their  desks  in 
England,  they  were  sitting,  or  standing,  or  occupying  any  other  posi- 
tion of  danger  from  insurgents  in  India.  Probably,  gentlemen  who  sit 
quietly  at  their  desks  and  sympathize  with  the  Sepoy  murderers  and 
torturers  of  women  and  babes,  would,  if  situated  themselves  in  peril 
of  those  miscreants,  sympathize  rather  more  than  they  seem  now  to 
do  with  the  victims  of  their  cruelty. 


OCTOBER,  31.   i 


(.    Oil    THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


185 


MARRIAGE    AND    ITS    DIFFICULTIES. 

ATTFIU.V  marriage   has'  be- 

'IgiuR 

ft 

in   l!i 

shadow.      The  rite  ap- 
"i  be  attended  now 
with    such    hew 
complexity,  that  0 
most  wonders  how  young 
couples  cau  lind  courage 
to    confront    it  . 

•i  mul  at  the  ordeal 
he    now   daily  sees  de- 
•••d,  and  the  stronjr- 
,    ,     ,,  dnded  of   i 

must  shudder  at  the  knot,  when  she  liuds  how  many  terrors  are  involved  in 
it.  fiven  to  ourselves,  who  are  matrimony-proof,  the  marriage  notices  occ;: 
?'"/•"'  \->  members  of  society,  it  is  of  con.  ent  on  us 

ttaUy  to  peruse  the  hrst  half-column  of  the  Times,  and  for  gossip's  sike  to  t-ike 
especial  note  of  the  marriage  portion  of  it.  To  this  hard  labour  we  have  Ion- 
been  sentenced  but  o!  late  its  hardness  has  so  much  increased  that  there  is  really 
some  excuse  if  we  occasionally  grumble  at  it.  What  with  the  names  o 

Him  in"  and  assisting  clergymen,  and  the  ap]  ,,,,  |,rj(ie 

and    bridegroom  equently   \utii    those    of   the    disiin.-uished 

ho  were  pi  the  ceremony,  we  ed  to  know 

has  married  whom  ;  and  as  business   men  we  calculate  we  lose  a  d-iily 
'™™168          thrce-1uartera  in  °ur  efforts  at  unravelling  the 


As  a  sample  of  the  mysteries  which  puzzle  us  at  breakfast-time,  and  sadly  inter- 
im; with  the  process  oi  digestion,  we  be-  the  reader's  notice  to  the  following 
advertisement;  which,  merely  altering  the  es  to  avoid  the  charge  of 

person  [uote  from  the  7V««»  inits  bewild.  .ay: 

RKV0^  T™inStif  A*  S,V  J£hn\N  °"in*  Hill,  by  the  three  brothers  of  the  bridegroom,  the 
n  ,  •'OMN  J"-"",  M.A.,  the  RKV.  HBXI-.V  .IONKS,  M.A.,  and  tho  RET  ROBERT  LJINCASTFII  TOML 
RA"  '  ;  '.'••  '••  I'-'-:  '  O.B.,  third  so,,  oi  tho  Ince  REV.  Jou»  r  JOSM  D  D  ™ 

youngest  daughter  of  tho  Into  JOHN  BUOWK,  ESQ.,  of  Birmingham." 


fi  ?T'.?-  aUfU-Ve  n^™*63  .tha(  '  'I  to  mind  as  ever  having  startled 

think  this  of  LIM  Joirea  La  perhaps  the  one  most  formidable.     We  may 
•rtamly   congratulate   him   on  the  has  displayed,  in  braving  such  a 

ceremony  as  has  faint  y  been  idrpjrt,  ,1:  and  it  drfchts  us  to  observe  that  his 
AN.M  nb  m  this  respect  a  most  befitting  helpmate.  Having  the  foreknowledge  of 
her  tofcit8  "°  S  '  lt  d>  We  think)  Ulleomm™  strenSt:»  of  iiene  in 

Viewed  in  the  most  favourable  light,  it  can  be  no  joke  being  married  bv  three 
clergymen:  and  when  the  parsons  ,,,  ,11  brothers,  and  the  brotherf  of  the  bride 
.creii  Hung.in  the  pomp  and  circumstance  enough  to  overwhelm 
one.  \ou  hear  of  persons  sometimes  "  marrying  a  family,"  but  here  are  actually 
a  coup  lo  marred  by  a  iam,ly-pr  at  any  rate,  we  may  assume,  by  far  the  major 
part  ol  one..  Supposing  even  the  three  reverends  the  mildest-faced  of  men  i 
must  have  tried  their  brother  somewhat  to  confront  them  at  the  altar-  and  to  the 

•  'heir  aggregate  appearance  c°ould 


,«^S  V(Y  "s  '  "!k  why  .lhese  three  clergymen  attended,  it  still  more 
perpl<  guess  how  ceremony:  and  in  behalf  of  ladv 

readers,  „  ,re  our  cllriositV)  we          t  that  ^         rf  ,          a»  °'  '«£ 

us. with  ull  delate  As  no  mention  is  made  of  either  reverend  brother  Imv ing 
principally  officiated,  while  the  others,  in  the  usual  phrase,  "  assisted"  at  hi 
service,  we  infer  that  each  of  them  had  equally  a  Voice  in  the  matter  •  still  t  e 
question  remains  open  v,  hether  they  »11  spol  ,  or  whether  each  one  1  a  a 

Sc6".,^1:;  'V '•""","'  ::1!(l  ^1   -  4  supposition,  if, he  serdce 

.10  a  c       tea  one,  t  lie     orpins     of  the  trio  might  have  blended  with  advantage  • 
oticc  in  the  paper  being  silent  on  the  point,  we  must  perforce  regard  it  as 

»wn  it  somewhat  puzzles  us,  we  are  quite  disposed  to  view  the 
sons  as  a  mark  ol  unadulterated  brotherly  affection.    But  the 

[t  might  be  argued  b\ 
something  like  ,  ,,1  io  be      t         :,nii  „-„  ., 

r'lnos  add  to  the  aid  that,  the  Divorce  1 

--;;  :-d  that  three  clergymen  perhaps  might 

ior  ours.  ,   horror  of  such   mean  imputations     But 

owed  (heir  fare-,  i  to  show  tl 

*e match,  i  workforaQ 

i  ness  in  the  bonds  of  mat ri- 

UU>     1T'!n.  ''s<}a  P°,7c,r  be'  ;  '   flench   them,   and  therefore  in 

advantage.  SJ'     thel'e  '  Mt  as  far  as  ^  can  '^  i™  no 


THE  JJAITJ.E  OF  THE  TELEGJiA.M  ; 
OK,  LANGUAGE  IN  1857. 

:i  nimiuin!"  thesaye 
it  the  farmers  of  his  ;r.- 

.-.nd  curds 
a  as  their  go:U s,  and  p. 

.'ay  claim, 
.  cannot  dr. 

OI'S,    if   IK/I      ! 

In  an  "anh\,i  noil." 

llrr    '  Ui  6-Ki 

of  Trin.  Coll    Oxbridge,  raves 
of  winds  and  w:: 

rare, 

And     crisped"  sm  ,i<:d"  hair; 

"  .slu.'  ".w  lieth," 

Where  the  wind  "lispeth,"  and  tl  ill," 

And  '  telleth"  tales  ot'liim  who  walked  abri 
Oi\"v  nines  win,  i-limb'd"  MAUD; 

d"  in  their  talk 
lo  '  perky"  larches  in  the  garden  walk  ! 

••nd  from  \Vadham,  all  last  Long 
1"  ri'-'-'1  .nil  B.ULY  came  out  strong  ; 

O'er  Hiawatha  d>  ,..M> 

And  means  to  win  the  Newih  year. 

—And  oft  I  saw  him  reading  to  .Mis.s  Tumi 

mmatic  lays,  sublime 
One  weeps—]  listen  to  the  struiii  which  thrills 


With  "passion-panting"  seas  and  "yearning  rills," 
With     king-thoughts  "  grand,  and  "  lutlian  "  winds 


that 


Through  areas  lone  where  "  crass  "  policemen  prowl. 

lie  reads— "Tear-dabbled,  fair, 
That  white,  white  face,  hid  in  a  night  of  hair  '— 
It  comes  !— while  winks  '  the  penitential  moon,' 


u    nouucu  uius     wuere  JJSAMES  me  egg-nip  orei 
My  brain  reels  diz/.y,  and  that  white  white  lace, 
By  some  strange  fancy  has  become  a  brace !  " 

Now,  Sir  ?  (as  men  address  the  mighty  Time»,) 
i  do  protest  against  these  novel  rhymes  ; 
How,  in  the  name  of  goodness,  can  a  star 
"  Yearn  in  its  pulses  "  through,  a  cloud  afar  ? 
How  can  a  "  half-smile  dwell "  on  EMMA'S  lips, 

Touching,  yet  settling  not  upon  the  tips  ?  " 
How  can  '  deep  silence  "  be  a  "  grim  ravine 
That  never  dared  to  laugh  in  Spring's  bright  gre: 
—In  vain  I  strive  to  solve  these  mystic  strains, 
And  leave  their  riddles  for  TOM'S  clearer  brains. 
—And,  Sir !— not  only  do  the  Poets  rave 
In    sensuous"  raptures  over  Grammar's  grave  ; 
I  But  TOM  now  says  that  our  Philologists 
likely  to  proceed  from  words  to  t; 
VV  hile  pugilistic  Oxford  dares  to  cram 
Poor  sickening  Cambridge  with  a  Telegram  ! 
Who,  when  "First-Class  men"  scuffle,  shall  decide, 
When  each  claims  "  every  school-boy  "  on  his  side  ? 
Lost  in  a  labyrinth  of  "  graphs  "  and  "  grams," 
«  e  still  should  blunder  'twist  true  words  and  shams  • 
Let  then  poor  erring  "Telegram,"  be  shriven, 
And  take  the  sanction  that  the  Press  has  given. 


Trust  not  Tigers. 

BY  the  Speech  of  Jin.  WrLLOUGHBY,  at.  Leominster,  it 
appears  that  the  Sepoys  mutinied  chiefly  because  they 
had  nothing  to  do.  Not  being  able  to  gratify  their  ferocity 
in  regular  war,  they  vented  it  in  murder  and  cruelty. 
That  is  to  say,  we  kept  a  tiger  and  ceased  to  feed  it,  when 
it  broke  loose  and  glutted  itself. 


TOLERATION. 

BARON-  BOTHSCHILD  has  consented  to  give  awav  the 
1'htch  of  Bacon  next  year  at  Dunmow  ! 


186 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


C° 


•  Tluse  Dresses  are  very  wdl  in  their  way,  but  they  make  us  all  appear  lite  same  size.     Why,  a  Girl  might  be  as  lltin  as  a  Whipping -post, 

and  yd  le  taken  for  a  Decent  Figure." 


THE    SUGAR-MARKET. 

MK.  ANTONY  WOSPE,  after  a.  Ions-continued  tiff  with  his  wife,  in 
which  he  has  clearly  confessed  himself  to  be  in  the  wrong,  took  her  to 
the  Adelphi  Theatre,  on  Saturday  evening,  at  half-price.  The  happy 
pair,  after  mutually  agreeing  that  "they  had  spent  a  remarkably 
pleasant  evening,"  returned  home  for  supper.  Oysters  were  laid  for 
two.  Nothing  was  wanting  to  complete  the  harmony  of  the  entertain- 
ment. The  baby  was  fast  asleep,  and  the  beer  had  been  fetched  most 

1'     _A i-^1..     ,,.-.!,.    JV.«      .-,>  i.M  1 1,-,     Vi^frtTi-.    t(  HMin     AS/iilrtirr'o       ^f  1*1  irrnln  "    ft\  AefJfl 


fortunately  only  the  minute  before 
for  the  night. 


The  Widow's  Struggle"  closed 


MRS.  POPPETS  has  only  the  wing  of  a  butterfly  to  finish  to  complete 
the  beautiful  pair  of  braces  she  is  embroidering  for  her  "  dear  duck  of 
a  husband,"  JOSHUA.  They  are  to  be  presented  to  POPPETS,  after  tea, 
on  the  30th,  in  commemoration  of  their  nineteenth  wedding-day.  MRS. 
POPPETS  has  already  prepared  a  most  ingenious  device  to  induce  JOSHUA 
to  take  off  his  coat,  the  better  to  enable  her  to  put  on  the  braces  her- 
self, in  presence  of  the  assembled  company.  The  water-rate  collector 
(to  whom  two  years'  arrears  are  owing)  has  been  invited. 

MR.  GEORGE  FREDERICK  SFUNGE  sent  the  barrel  of  oysters  to  his 
rich  uncle  only  yesterday  week.  He  lias  not  as  yet  received  the 
customary  invitation  for  Christmas  Day,  but  he  is  expecting  it  every 
post.  The  bank-note,  that  is  usually  folded  up  inside  the  napkins  of  all 
the  nephews  and  nieces  present  on  that  festive  occasion,  has  already 
been  promised  to  not  less  than  nine  different  tradesmen.  MR.  GEORGE 
FREDERICK  will  be  so  puzzled  to  know  to  whom  he  ought  to  present  it, 
that  it  is  a  question  of  exactly  nine  to  one,  whether  he  will  not  keep  it 
himself. 

The  Critic  of  the  Learned  Pig  had  a  friendly  chop  with  the  REVEREND 
ALFRED  SOPHTE  SAWDERS  one  day  this  week.  The  chop  lasted  throe 
hours,  and  did  the  greatest,  honour  to  the  cuisine  of  the  Talleyrand 


Club.    The  Critic  was  good-natured  enough  to  express  his  unqualified 


the  best  state  to  appreciate  its  beauties  then,  quietly  put  it  into  his 
pocket.  Before  parting,  an  early  day  was  fixed  for  aiwther  dinner  to 
discuss  the  merits  of  the  book,  when  the  amiable  Critic  promised  to 
favour  the  accomplished  author  with  his  candid  opinion  on  the  Orange 


As  the  New  Year  is  approaching,  the  laundress  of  MK.  SKEENE 
FLINT,  the  well-known  conveyancer  of  Thavies"  Inn,  redoubles  in  her 
attentions  and  kindness  to  her  aged  master.  Yesterday,  he  had  a 
basin  of  Irish  stew  for  his  luncheon.  The  windows  have  been  cleared 
of  a  considerable  portion  of  their  dirt.  The  dust  is  by  no  means  so 
plentiful  about  the  room,  nor  has  the  diminution,  been  at  all  obtained 
by  throwing  the  various  deeds  and  mortgages,  which  lie  scattered 
about  the  room,  into  hopeless  confusion.  The  laundress  knows  only 
too  well  that  it  is  MR.  SKEENE  FUST'S  most  sensitive  horror  (next 
to  a  client  who  doesn't  pay)  to  have  "  bis  papers  "  touched — and  so  she 
has  wisely  refrained  from  laying  a  profane  linger  on  any  one  of  them. 
Her  weekly  bill,  too,  for  office-dinners,  teas,  &c.,  has  wonderfully 
decreased  of  late.  A  chop  and  potato,  that,  but  a  few  weeks  ago, 
cost  ninepence,  has  since  fallen  to  sevenpence.  These  are  immistake- 
able  signs  that  New  Year's  day  is  rapidly  approaching. 

MADAME  LA  BARONNE  DE  H'OLDE-SOLDIERSE  indiscreetly  left  out 
on  the  sideboard,  yesterday,  a  handsome  silver  goblet.  On  it  was 
engraved  "A  ADOLPHE,"  and  underneath  it,  the  year  "1858." 
ADOLPHE  is  the  name  of  MADAME  LA  BARONNE'S  husband.  She 
snatched  up  the  goblet,  as  soon  as  ADOLPHE  had  seen  it,  and  was  so 

..%.<*>'ir   4  li«4-   *,-,   r>Trs\isJ    <(  -HMO   c/O*r^  **   our!     liulii    Imr  tnarc     elm   mvlioil    iiinrllv 


angry  that  to  avoid 
out  of  the  room  ! 


v,ne  scene"  and  hide  her  tears,  she  rushed  madly 


A  Contribution  to  Social  Science. 


use 


SOME  people,  mostly  old  gentlemen,  demand  to  know,  what  is  the 
_    _je  of  teaching  the  people  music,  or,  as  fine  speakers  say,  "culti- 

admiration  of  the  wine.  We  see  that  a  new  book  of  poems  (A  Wreath  \  vating  the  musical  faculty  of  the  population  ?  "  The  use  is  this ;  thai 
if  Oranye  Blossoms)  by  the  gushing  Reverend  is  announced  as  "Nearly  if  you  could  improve  the  musical  taste  of  the  British  Public,  they 
Ready."  P,y  the  merest  accident  the  learned  author  had  a  cony  of  the 


Poems  in  his  pocket,  and,  with  many  compliments,  preseuted  it  after 
the  third  bottle  to  his  "  dear  and  esteemed  friend,"  who,  not  being  in 


would  not  stand  organ-grinders  any  more,  and  your  sight  would  no 
longer  be  offended  with  grinning  vagrants,  and  your  ears  with  "  Keemo 


Kimo." 


i'rtnted  by  WIUI»m  Bradbury,  of  No.  13.  Vpprr  U^btira  PUee,  ud  Frederick  Mullen  Brant,  of  No.  19,  QiiMn'i  Fo«d  Wwt,  Krnnf  i  P.rk.  both  IB  the  P«pi»h  of  It.  finer*!,  In  the  County  of  MUdleMl .. 
Prtnuro.  >t   their  OOc«  in  U»»u4  Street,  in   the   Precinct  of  Wbitelrl«r«,  in  the  City  of  London,  ud  rub. lined  by  them  >t   Ko.  »,  Fleet  Street,  In  the  Plrtlh  of  St.  Bride,  In  Ike  City  ot 
— SATURDAY  October  31.  ;**;. 


NOVEMBER  7,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


187 


FWKD  ! — WHAWT'S  THE  MATTER  WITH  TOUR  LEGS!" 
"  U'.iv,  YOU  SI:K,  Pi:<;-Top  TROUSKKS  ARE  GETTING  so  COMMON,  I'M 
GOING  TO  GIVE  NATUHK  A  CIIAXCE!" 


HOW  MERRILY  WE  LIVE  THAT  LODGERS  BE! 

"  ALL  ye  who  music  love,  and  would  its  pleasures  prove."  give  a 
glance,  if  you  let  lodgings,  to  the  following  advertisement,  which  was 
inserted  for  your  benefit  in  the  Times  a  few  days  since : — 

A  PARTMENTS  WANTED,  viz.  :— A  Sitting  and  Bed  Room,  with  use 
±*~  of  Piano,  by  a  gentleman  engaged  in  the  City.  Must  be  in  the  house  of  a 
professional  or  that  of  a  private  musical  family,  where  a  lady  would  Uke  the  trouble 
to  in.-trnet  the  advertiser  on  the  pianoforte:  in  the  latter  case  board  would  not  b« 
objected  to,  where  a  (food  table  is  kept  and  inmates  cheerful.  Address,  with  terms, 
and  full  particulars,  to  DELTA,  care  of  Messrs.  Asterisk  If  Blank,  No.  0,  Dash  Street, 
near  Girdo  £<(u:irc. 

The  wording  is  slightly  ambiguous  in  this,  but  it  is  clear  at  any 
rate  that  DELTA  has  not  been  deterred  by  diffidence  from  stating  what 
he  wishes.  There  is  a  coolness  quite  cucnmbrian  in  his  asking  to  be 
let  into  the  bosom  of  a  private  family,  where  he  would  just  trouble 
some  kind  lady  to  teach  him  the  piano,  gratis ;  for  the  phrase,  "  take 
the  trouble,"  quite  prohibits  our  believing  that  he  has  any  thought  of 
pas  in";  his  instructress.  Then,  mark  how  finely  he  distinguishes 
between  more  professionals  and  really  private  people.  Only  in  the 
latter  case  will  he  sit  at  table  with  the  inmates.  Nay,  even  here  again 
his  diffidence  deserts  him,  and  he  imposes  the  condition  that  the  table 
must  be  "good,"  and  the  inmates  "cheerful."  Only  on  these  terms 
will  he  condescend  to  their  society.  Good  livers  they  must  be,  and 
"jolly  companions  every  one,"  or  they  must  not  hope  for  the  pleasure 
of  his  company.  Unless  they  live  like  fighting-cocks,  and  are  of  good 
cheer  in  their  hearts  as  well  as  their  cuisine,  he  will  shut  himself  up  in 
his  "sitting  and  bedroom"  (we  are  doubtful  if  he  means  by  this  one 
or  two  apartments),  and  will  hold  himself  aloof  from  all  except  his 
music  mistress. 

As  we  like  to  study  "  characters,"  we  have  been  speculating  some- 
what deeply  with  ourselves  for  near  five  seconds,  as  to  what  this 
DELTA  can  be  guessed  to  be.  His  engagement  in  the  City,  and  his 
fondness  for  good  living,  arc  properties  which  might  be  viewed  as 
aldermanic ;  but  our  fancy  fails  to  picture  an  alderman  in  lodgin 
and  playing  the  piano  !  Perhaps  he  is  a  wretched  valetudinarian,  a. 
has  been  prescribed  good  dinners,  and  a  little  gentle  exercise  on  the 
piano  for  an  appetite.  Or  it  may  be  he's  in  love,  and  to  test  the 
strength  of  his  affections,  the  fair  engrossress  of  them  may  perhaps 
have  forbidden  him  her  presence  until  lie  can  play  her  a  tune  on  the 
piano.  Reduced  to  this  "  most  musical,  most  melancholy"  plight,  no 


wonder  he  should  crave  good  dinners  to  sustain  him,  as  well  as 
"cheerful  inmates"  to  revive  his  drooping  spirits.  It  sounds  very 
well  in  poetry  to  say  that  music  is  the  food  of  love  :  but  in  real  life,  a 
man.  however  lore-tick  lie  may  be,  wants  something  more  than  a  piano 
for  his  dinner.  In  the  way  of  nutriment  it  would  be  found  an  airy 
nothing,"  though  it  is  not  a  wind  instrument.  All  the  airs  that  could 
be  played  on  it  would  fail  to  satisfy  an  appetite,  even  were  they 
HAXUKL'S,  which  we  have  heard  called  "the  roast  beef  of  music." 
Life  let  us  Cherish  is  a  commonly  shared  sentiment,  but  playing  it  on 
the  piano  would  not  much  promote  the  end  it  inculcates :  nor  would 
there  lie  much  stimulant  in  Drops  of  Brandy,  if  they  \vere  drunk  in  by 
the  ear  alone,  and  poured  out  from  a  BROADWOOD  instead  of  a  black 
bottle. 

But,  whatever  be  the  reasons  which  have  induced  this  AY. 
Man  (or  older  one)  to  advertise  himself  as  desirous  of  becoming  a 
small  musical  party,  we  should  caution  his  respondents  to  think  twice 
about  the  "  terms  "  on  which  they  would  receive  him.  A  good  appe- 
tite peeps  out  in  the  demand  of  a  good  table,  and  besides  his  turn  for 
music,  they  may  be  assured  that  he  has  also  a  good  twist.  Although 
ignorant  as  yet  of  playing  the  piano,  depend  on  it  he  knows  how  to 
play  a  knife  and  fork  :  and  as  a  prelude  to  his  "  morceaiu-  lie  concert," 
would  indulge  in  several  norreaux  de  mouloit,  or  other  choice  tit-bits. 
Indeed,  should  any  lady  "  take  the  trouble  to  instruct  him,"  we  have 
very  little  doubt  that  she  would  find  she  had  a  sinecure,  so  far,  at  least 
as  teaching  him  the  Exercise  of  Crammer. 


DARING  CRITICISM  ON  A  NOBLEMAN. 

WE  have  more  than  once,  latterly,  had  occasion  to  remark  on  the 
great  improvement  manifested  by  our  fashionable  contemporary.  The 
following  paragraph,  which  appeared  in  that  journal  the  other  day, 
exhibits  a  great  advance  in  the  manner  of  chronicling  the  acts  of 
noblemen : — 

"THE  EARL  OF  HARROWBY  ON  THE  INDIAN  MUTINY  AND  THE  STATI  or  TH« 
ARMY. — At  the  Annual  Dinner  of  the  Sandou  and  Marston  Agricultural  Society,  at 
Sjandon.  on  Wednesday,  the  RIOHT  Hon.  THE  EARL  or  HARKOWBY,  in  proposing 
the  toast  of  the  'Army  and  Navy,'  spoke  at  considerable  length  on  the  existing 
state  of  affairs  in  India.  LORD  HARROWBY'S  observations  were  not  remarkable  for 
any  peculiarity  or  force,  but  were  of  a  purelygeneral  and  common-place  character." 

In  the  critical  remark  which  concludes  the  above  announcement 
there  is  a  freedom  and  independence  of  tone  which  could  not  be  sur- 
passed by  the  most  democratic  journal  in  New  York.  At  the  same 
time  there  is  nothing  offensive  in  it ;  nothing,  at  least,  at  which  the 
EARL  OF  HARROWBY  can  take  offence,  unless  he  is  a  vain  man.  In 
that  case,  indeed,  his  appetite  for  breakfast  the  other  morning  may 
have  been  somewhat  impaired  by  finding  his  observations  described  as 
"  not  remarkable  for  any  peculiarity  or  force,"  and  as  being  of  a  "  purely 
general  and  common-place  character."  There  are  not  a  few  gentlemen 
whose  muffin  would  be  embittered,  egg  disrelished,  coffee  deprived  of 
aroma,  milk  soured,  and  morning  repast  altogether  spoiled,  by  the 
sight  of  a  report  of  their  speech  so  summary,  and  of  remarks  thereupon 
so  compendious  and  unflattering  as  the  above.  But  an  Earl  can  afford 
to  laugh  at  any  criticism,  however  severe ;  nor,  if  he  is  a  reasonable 
nobleman,  will  anything  of  the  kind  occasion  him  to  quarrel  with  his 
bread-and-butter,  whilst  he  exults  in  the  reflection  that  the  butter  on 
the  bread,  and  on  both  sides  of  it,  is  spread  thick ;  and  that  no  critic, 
however  savage,  is  able  to  scrape  it  any  thinner. 


CURATES  AND  THEIR  PROPRIETORS. 

THE  clerical  instructors  of  the  British  Public  are  accustomed 
frequently  to  reprove  their  hearers  for  making  too  much  haste  to  be 
rich.  Some  of  those  divines  may  not  themselves  be  chargeable  with 
going  too  fast  in  the  pursuit  of  wealth,  simply  because  they  have  no 
occasion  to  be  in  any  hurry.  The  annual  value  of  the  ecclesiastical 
property  attached  to  the  perpetual  curacy  of  St.  Cuthbert,  in  the 
city  of  Carlisle,  is  upwards  of  £1,500 ;  of  St.  Mary,  in  the  same  city, 
£1,000:  of  Hesket,  £1,100;  and  of  Warwick  and  Wetheral  £1,600. 
The  respective  stipends  of  these  curacies  are  £5  6*.  8rf.,  £6,  £18  5j.. 
and  £52.  These  facts  are  set  forth  in  a  memorial  from  landowners  and 
others,  presented  by  the  Justices  of  the  Cumberland  Quarter  Sessions 
to  the  Ecclesiastical  Commissioners.  Have  those  Magistrates,  at  their 
Sessions,  any  rogues  to  punish  more  nefarious  and  impudent  than 
those  who  sack  so  much  Church  property,  and  allow  their  Curates  such 
shamefully  small  shares  of  the  swag  ? 


Puzzling  Announcement. 

ADMIRAL  BERKELEY,  having  succeeded  to  his  Castle,  is  succeeded, 
at  the  Admiralty,  by  ADMIRAL  DUXDAS,  who  succeeded  in  the  Baltic, 
ADMIRAL  NAPIER,  who  succeeded— No,  no,  that  must  be  a  mistake. 
Oh,  ah,  he  succeeded  in  getting  into  Southwark. 


TOL.   XXXIII. 


188 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  7,  1857. 


MIND    YOUR    EYE  ! 

Hi;  subjoined  extract  from 
the  Times  may  suggest  the 
expediency  of  making,  next 
Session,  a  slight  addition  to 
the  statutes : — 

"MALICIOUSLY  THROWING  VI- 
TRIOL.— Some  miscreant  or  mis- 
creants have  for  the  last  seven 
or  eight  days  been  exercising 
their  malicious  propensities  in 
the  neighbourhood  uf  KnighU- 
bridge,  Piccadilly,  and  the 
Strand,  at  dusk,  by  throwing 
vitriol  over  the  drtsses  of  ladies 
and  others.  The  police  have 
been  made  acquainted  with  this 
infamous  practice,  and  are  on 
the  alert  for  the  detection  of 
the  perpetrators,  and  a  reward 
has  been  offered  for  their  ^'pre- 
hension, which  it  is  to  bo  hoped, 
will  lead  to  their  punishment." 

"MS  Unfortunately,  their  pu- 
~  nishment — unless,  perhaps, 
they  are  very  young  ras- 
i  cals  —  will  not  be  that 
-  which  would  be  most  ap- 
'  propriate  to  their  offence, 
:-  and  most  likely  to  prevent 
-  its  repetition.  The  very 
severest  whipping  that  a 
human  scoundrel  can  pos- 
sibly survive  will  not  be, 
in  the  present  state  of  the 
law,  a  remedy  in  the  power 
of  Magistrate  or  Judge  to  prescribe,  in  addition  to  several  years'  penal  servitude, ! 
as  a  cure  for^  vitriol-i  Browing.  We  hope  that  Parliament,  when  it  meets,  will,  as  ! 
soon  as  possible,  enable  the  ministers  of  justice  to  inflict  the  proper  correction  on  < 
the  throwers  of  vitriol.  Justice  herself  must  be  blind  indeed  not  to  see  that  no] 
corporal  punishment  can  be  too  severe  for  the  crime  of  wilfully  putting  out  eyes. 


WHO  CAKES? 

WHAT  have  they  done  to  GRANTLEY  BERKELEY, 
Who  has  been  "punching"  that  delicate  "head," 

What  is  the  wrong  he  hints  so  darkly 
Infthat  long  letter  the  clubs  have  read? 

What  is  the  point  on  which  the  war  is 
Among  a  party  where  peace  should  be  ; 

What 's  the  offence  of  the  stern  SIR  MAURICE, 
And  why  did  he  bully  his  brother  G  ? 

Why  did  the  latter  enact  The  Stranger, 
And  stalk  away  from  his  kindred's  sight  ? 

And  why  would  it  put  his  right  in  danger 
To  witness  the  late  Earl's  funeral  rite  ? 

What  have  the  lawyers  done  askantly, 
How  have  they  "  duped  "  the  lawful  Earl, 

And  out  of  the  coronet  waiting  GiiANTi,i:r 
Picked,  as  he  fancies,  a  precious  pearl. 

Why  not,  if  he 's  received  a  snub,  lick 

More  suo,  his  fancied  foe  ; 
Instead  of  writing  to  bore  the  public 

With  what  they  don't  care  a  dump  to  know. 


Operatic  Scale  of  Measurement. 

Englishman.  Well,  Sir,  how  did  CASSEVOIX'S  new  opera 
go? 

Manager.  Kfuuco — a  complete  fiasco  \ 

Englishman.  How  so?  Why,  I 'm  told  that  the  composer 
was  called  forward  not  less  than  nineteen  times  ? 

Manager.  You're  right,  Sir,  perfectly  right,— but  then  you 
must  know  that  in  Italy  we  never  begin  to  reckon  a  success 
until  after  the  thirtieth  call.  Fifty  calls  make  a  Triumph- 
one  hundred  a  Furore  !  [Exit  Manager,  tearing  hit  hair. 


DOWNLNG-STKEET  AND  HOLYWELL-STREET. 

WE  quote  the  subjoined  portion  of  a  Holywell  Doctor's  advertisement 
from  a  country  paper — one,  doubtless,  of  many  country  papers  in 
whicli  this  fellow's  lying  advertisements  have  appeared.  With  one 
exception,  we  have  exactly  reproduced  the  Holywell  Doctor's  text. 
That  exception  is  the  Holywell  Doctor's  name,  which  we  have  taken 
the  liberty  of  changing  for  more  reasons  than  one,  but  chiefly  in  order 
that  we  may  not  give  him  any  publicity,  even  the  publicity  of  infamy ; 
which  Holywell  Doctors  prefer  to  none  at  all  :— 

1  CAUTION.— Sufferers  are  cautioned  against  a  quack  who  advertises  in  the 
"I_«huuld  also  guard  against  the  recommendation  of  spurious  or  other 


The  above  quotation  sufficiently  proves  that  there  is  one  quack  who 
advertises  in  the  advertiser's  street,  but  does  not  prove,  but  only 
itimates,  that  there  is  another.    We  do  not,  however,  print  it  for  the 
purpose  oi  making  that  remark,  nor  yet  for  that  of  suggesting  to  those 
whom  it  may  concern,  that  the  recommendation  of  "unprincipled 
vendors     to  take  'other  medicines"  than  those  of  DR.  DE  LA  RUSE 
may  be  wisely  adopted,  unless  the  other  medicines  recommended  are 
er  quack  medicines.    Our  object  is  to  point  out  to  LORD  PALMER- 
STO.V  aml;to  SIR  GEORGE  GREY,  the  relation  existing  between  "HER 
MA  u:s n  ;,  lion.  Commissioners  "  and  the  respectable  GUALTIEK  DE 
LA  RUSE,  London.    It  is  that  of  patrons  and  client.    DE  LA  RUSE  is 
™*  Protege  of  HER  MAJESTY'S  Hon.  Commissioners.    Not  only  that  • 
but  they  specially  ratify  his  pretensions;  they  endorse  his  puff-  and 
ER  MAJESTY'S  Government  is  prepared  to  back  their  act  with  the 
weight  of  its  authority  and  power.    Surely  the  QUEEN'S  name    s 
sly  misused  in  '' 
'al  Reform  Bill 


HOARD  OB  ORDNANCE  FOR  INDIA. 

;  is  governed  by  Cannon-Row. 


A  very  good 


;  erne      y     annon-ow.         very  good 

rernment  too,  prov.ded  the  Row  of  Cannon  consisted  of  great  guns 
*"'    "**   WCre    SCrved    cxcl^ely  by^Eunfpeari 


An  Alarming  Illustration  of  the  Peg-Top  Trousers. 


NEWS   FROM   THE   STRAUD.    • 

r,  ¥-K-  BALFF,  has  just  produced  a  new  opera,  with  brilliant  success. 
It  is  called  The  Rose  of  Castille.  But  everybody  knows  this,  and  Punch 
alludes  to  the  fact  merely  to  mention  that  some  of  the  carrion-mongers 
who  burlesque"  anything  that  is  too  good,  unadulterated,  for  their 
vulgar  patrons,  are  already  preparing  a  theatrical  nuisance  to  be  called 
Mai;c  Hose  of  Castille,  or,  How  are  you  off  for  Soap  ?  Of  course,  LORD 
BREADALBANE  will  license  it. 


NovnMiiF.il  7,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CIIA1UVARI. 


189 


A    NICE    WET    DAY. 


How  delighted  I  am  when  it  rains  ! 
Tiie  more  so  the  harder  it  pours; 
If  business  on  that  day  constrains 
-elf  to  remain  within  door*. 
<iown,  cats  and  dogs  !  I  exclaim  ; 
\Y  it  h  pleasure  I  view  your  descent. 
Suppose  now  a  walk  were  my  aim, 
I  coidd  not  fullill  my  intent. 

I  could  not,  with  Fashion  attired, 

As  I  am  accustomed  I 
In  Kegent  Street  figure,  admired, 

By  every  fair  maiden  I  see. 
I  could  not  be  seen  in  the  Park, 

For  I  should  be  drenched  if  I  were ; 
Besides,  you  will  justly  remark, 

Because  no  one  else  would  be  there. 

MONTGOMERY  wants  to  go  out, 

And  appetite;  cam  for  lii>  grub; 
And  MONTAGUE  can't  got  about, 

Confined  by  the  wet  in  his  club ; 
And  BUGGINS,  together  with  them, 

Strong  language  applies  to  the  rain, 
AVhich  I  not  only  do  not  condemn, 

But  approve  of,  whilst  others  complain. 

Of  exercise  WILKIKSON  makes 

'  A  point — there  is  wisdom  in  that — 
And  his  long  constitutional  takes, 

All  the  while  he  is  spoiling  his  hat. 
Mv  lingers  are  grasping  the 

My  person  is  fixed  in  the  chair  ; 
I'm  obliged  to  stay  ia — but  what  then  ? 

My  hat  still  remains  fit  to  wear. 

Some  fellows  the  wet  to  d 

Are  forced  by  their  urgent  affairs ; 
Of  cabs,  if  they  wish  to  keep  dry, 

Tlie  frightful  expense  must  be  theirs. 
No  cab-hire  have  I  to  disburse, 

Or  else  catch  a  cold  in  the  nose, 
And  sull'er  invasion  of  purse, 

Or  tantamount  damage  in  clothes. 

Then  lei  it  rain  heavily  on, 

The  tempest  however  severe, 
Till  this  day  and  my  work  are  both  done  ; 

I  >ay  ditto,  in  fact,  to  King  Lear ; 
I  not  being  out  in  the  storm  : 

At  least  that  is  what  1 
If  all  had  a  house  snug  and  warm, 

To  return  to,  or  stop  in,  to-day. 


TIIE   SURPLICE  AT  TIIE  FOOTLIGHTS. 

Mi:.  I'l  x<  11  has  observed  an  announcement  to  the  following  effect:— 

"  It  In  intended,  very  moon,  to  commence  a  nine*  of  Special  8und»y  Services  at 
otne  of  i         '  .tun  Theatres.     Notice  will  bo  given  when  the  arrangement* 

;<!cto." 

Now  this  11.  i\,  invented  by  II 

lull.     If 

„,  let  I  I liit,  if  the   announce  - 

'•haracter,  has  a  word  or  two  to 

ay  upon  lli< 

'There  can  lie  Imt  one  object  in  on"  i  form  a  rel; 

11  liuihli  ipted  to  a 

of  church   <n  .nutation   in   the 

..Inch  tl.  market, 

St.  Clement  1'  '   far  from  the  Olympic,  and   I'ui'i.'s  couplet 

disposes  of  MR.  E.  T.  SMITH'S  ne  <1, — 

"  Now,  so  ANNE  and  piety  or  '. 
A  church  collects  tUo  mints  of  Drury  lane." 

A  vorv  big  church  is  a  very  few  yards  from  i 

1 
saint  of  tie;  Adelphi,  and,  a-  for  the  city,  it  ha  ad  fifty 

hip.     Err/ii,  ]•  is  not  for  want  of  room  that,  it  is  i, 
the  theatre  into  a  church.     The  hi 

i  if  the  tiling  may  attract  those  who  are  not  habitual  frequenters 
of  the  saereil  cdi. 

But  Mr.  1'itiich  begs  to  ask,  (with  the  sinccrcst  reverence  for  t In- 
subject  involved,  and  with  earnest  respect  for  all  who  libour  con- 
scientiously in  the  matter)  where  is  this  kind  of  thing  to  end  ?  If  our 
clergy,  with  all  i  heir  advantages  nf  education,  prestige,  and  position, 
cannot  get  t  lie  people  into  church,  and  theiefore  are  obliged  to  ask 
them  to  come  to  the  theatre,  where  will  the  attraction  system  stop  ? 
After  a  time,  the  mere  novelty  of  seeing  a  minister  of  religion  declaim- 
ing on  the  spot  where  a  few  hours  earlier  a  dantettte  exhibited  her  skill, 
will  fail  to  draw."  It  is  not  so  very  excit  ing  to  call  your  pew  a 
private  box,  that  the  pleasure  of  doing  so  will  long  attract.  To  hear 
Mote  in  Egitt-  !'rophete,  on  Saturday,  and  on  Sunday,  in  the 

same  place,  to  listen  to  MOSES  and  the  I'ropheK  will  not  long  retain 
•mi.    And  if  attractions  are  to  be  the  rule,  you  must  devise 

Hi:  new  to  bring  the  people  in.  How  far  are  you  prepared  to 
go ';  AVill  you,  having  called  the  theatre  to  your  aid,  avail  yourself  of 
its  resources  ?  Will  yon  borrow  scenic  aid,  and  while  a  preacher  talks 
of  Palestine  will  you  have  a  moving  diorama  from  DAVID  ROBERTS  ? 
3r  will  you  go  still  further,  and  employ  other  theatrical  arts— as  MB. 
MOORE  puts  it,  shall 

"  DANIEL,  in  pantomime,  bid  bold  defiance 
To  NEBUCHADNEZZAR  and  all  his  stuffjd  lions. 
While  pretty  young  Israelites  dance  round  the  prophet, 
In  very  thin  clothing,  and  m  little  of  it '.' " 

There  is  really  no  logical  reason  for  halting  when  once  you  admit  the 
validity  of  the  plea  on  which  the  use  of  the  theatre  for  purposes  utterly 
foreign  to  its  objects  and  associations  is  justified. 

There  is  something  wrong,  when  contrivances  like  these  are  required 
by  our  priesthood.  Had  they  not  better  reconsider  the  matter,  and 
before  invading  the.  temples  of  the  drama,  examine  whether  their  own 
temples  are  so  thoroughly  in  order  that  throngs  of  votaries  may 
reasonably  be  expected  there.  The  theatre  is  not  the  place  for  sermons, 
and  those  who  took  Orders  at  Lambeth  Palace,  ought  not  to  be  seen 
taking  them  at  i>  free-list  entrance.  As  Clifford  exclaims  in  Henry  VI. 
"  Chaplain — away ! " 

[  AD V f  RTISEMKNT.  ] 

o  BE  DISPOSED  OF,  CHEAP,  A  FIRST-RATE  BETTING    WALK 
in  an  Unfrequented  Public  Thoroughfare,  doing  a  matter  of  some  Fifty  Flat*  a 
week.     Good  business  situation,  and  everything  Ulap  Up     May  be  taken  with  the 
fixtures— in  tact,  can't  be  had  without  'em.    The  Inventory  whereof  includes  as 
follows,  wiz.  : — Comfortable  wide  pavement,  with  lamp  and  other  lounging  postea, 
i  very  convenience  for  betting  men  of  business.     Overhanging  doorways  to 
shelter  from  the  rain,  and  so  recessed  as  to  bo  snugglsb  nooks  for  doing  a  snug 
thing  or  two,  heither  taking  out  a  butting-book  or  taking  in  a  better.    A  firstchop 
public  f  ir  to  get  one's  stake  or  mutton  at,  a'id  handy  for  a  drain  when  one  can  get 
stood  Samuel     Barman  up  to  snuff,  and  will  give  the  Walk  the  benefit  of  hU  con- 
X.li.  Rites  a  good  Fist,  and  maybe  entrusted  with  the  Correspondence 
department     Halso  may  be  trusted  (as  fur  tu  you  can  tet  <m)  to  take  cheques  to  be 
cashed,  as  ia  sent  up  for  "  Inweatment."    Post  Hoffica  close  by,  where  letters  may 
ad  P.  O.  orders  addressed  to.     In  short,  every  facility  for  Town  or  Country 
custom.    A  good  neighbourho.id  for  Cooks,  so  tne  Crushers  come  like  Hangels,  few 
aud  far  between.    Oads  98  to  1  against  your  being  nobbled. 

Iff  Selum*  Sia/.  '  Jifjuirtd  .' 

For  further  perticklers,  and  Cards  to  View,  apply  (after  dusk)  to  MESSRS.  COWAUD 
A\n  CIIINM--M.  late  betting-shop  keepers,  No.  1,  Grab  b' 

N.I5.  Tliis  being  a  b..ney  fide  lucrative  concern  and  no  mistake,  none  but  boney 
fide  purchasers  will  be  attended  to.     Parties  game  to  buy  must  come  pn 
stun,)i  up  pre'ty  stiff     Ternu—  No  trust  to  Noboddy :    Cash  down  on  the  Nail 
notey  beany  halso — No  Selective  need  Hvv 


ADVICE  TO  Across. — Act  as  though  you  believed  Mr.  Punch  was 
present,  and  had  to  write  an  account  of  you  in  his  next  week's  publication 


190 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  7,  1857. 


RATHER     DEEP! 

Cousin.  "  CHARLIE !— JUST  PASCV  WHAT  PEOPLE  ABE  SAYING!" 

Captain  Charlie.  "  WELL,  GEORGIL  ! " 

Cousin.  "  THAT— THAT— YOU  AND  I  ARE  GOING— A— A— TO  BE— MARRIED  ! " 

Charlie  (with  presence  of  mind').  "A— NEVER  MIND,  GEOKGIE,— WE  KNOW  BETTER— WE  ARE  NOT  so  FOOLISH!' 


AN  IMPUDENT  JEW. 

r  —.-.  "Jo.  JOSEPH,  a  general  shopkeeper/of  the  Hebrew  persuasion," 
would  seem  to  consider  that  as  he  is  not  permitted  to  be  a  legislator, 
he  may  indemnify  himself  by  criticism  on  the  laws  that  are  made  for 
him,  and  the  judges  who  administer  them.  The  other  day,  MR.  Jo.,  if 
the  police-report  in  a  four-farthing  contemporary  be  correct  (which,  by 
the  way,  we  don't  guarantee  to  be  the  case),  did  bring  a  poor  woman 
named  KENDALL  before  MR.  SELFE,  because  he,  JOSEPH  had  latelv 
missed  two  spoons,  two  sheets,  and  what  he  probably  called  a  veskit 
As  these  articles  were  left  in  an  open  box,  and  KENDALL,  as  charwoman 
came  in  and  out  of  the  room  in  which  it  was  kept,  it  was  clear  to 
J  OSETH  the  Ebrew  that  she  must  have  taken  them.  The  accused  cried 
and  declared  her  innocence,  and,  we  quote  the  report,  remarked  •  "  That 
wicked  Jew  wants  to  send  me  to  prison."  But  the  evidence  that 
satisfied  Jo,  JOSEPH  would  not  satisfy  the  exigeant  MR.  SELFE  who 
came  out  with  the  Mowing  observation,  to  the  discomfiture  of  the 
Hebrew : — 

no  evidence  at  all  against  her.    She  ought  not  to  have  been  taken  into 
istody  at  ;ia    She  is  discharged.     I  tell  you  what,  MR.  Jo.  JOSEPH,  you  aru  liable 
to  have  an  action  for  false  imprisonment  brought  against  you." 

Upon  this  the  enraged  shopkeeper  charged  the  Magistrate  with 
Vlg  mi.stakeni  and  reiterated  that  the  accused  was  the  thief 
MR.  SELFE,  however,  retained  his  opinion,  and  said— 


tittle  °f  eTid™ce  gainst  her,  ME.  Jo.  JOSEPH.    You  have  done 

l  v         °r<> 1**^  8hould  be  raid  to  tho  liberty  of  the  subject.    The 
poor  woman  has  been  deeply  wronged,  and  is  discharged." 

But  the  pertinacious  Jew  was  not  finished  off.    He  would  have  the 
IWd,  and  (according  to  the  report)  he  made  his  exit,  observing— 

"  The  law  ith  ath  good  at  ttie  Judge  ith  bail." 

For  which  pisfce  of  impertinence,  MR.  SELFE,  if  he  heard  it,  should 
e  locked  up  the  Jew  until  he  ma'de  a  penitent  appeal  for  pardon. 


Even  Shylock,  who  had  really  a  good  case,  and  was  scandalously 
treated  by  the  quibbling  Christians,  complimented  his  judge,  and 
behaved  himself  like  a  gentlemanly  Hebrew.  But  really,  that  Jo. 
JOSEPH,  having  committed  a  gross  wrong,  should  be  permitted  to  be 
insolent  to  the  Magistrate,  is  a  little  too  good.  However,  if  a  decent 
attorney  will  take  MR.  SELIE'S  hint,  and  present  Jo.  with  an  instru- 
ment inviting  him  to  have  the  question  re-considered,  at  the  suit  of 
poor  MRS.  KENDALL,  the  punishment  which  he  earned  in  Court  may 
be  administered  in  the  way  best  calculated  to  touch  his  feelings.  As 
lie  thinks  Christian  law  so  good,  it  would  be  liberal  to  let  him  have  a 
little  more  of  it. 


DELHI. 

FivE'days  pf  grim  struggle  and  carnage  had  passed, 
But  each  night  showed  a  gain  on  the  gain  of  the  last, 
Then  a  bright  Sabbath  Morning  arose  on  her  towers, — 
Ere  that  Sabbath  was  ended,  red  Delhi  was  ours. 

Too  soon  for  the  plaudit — too  soon  for  the  crown : 
We  wait  for  the  tidings  how  Delhi  went  down, 
For  the  proud  scroll  of  honour  whose  record  shall  tell 
Who  bore  him  the  boldest,  where  all  did  so  well. 

But  up  with  the  wine-cup — one  toast,  and  but  one  ! 
The  vengeance  of  England  hath  sternly  begun, 
The  Toast  shall  be  DELHI,  for  WILSON  is  there, 
And  treason  lies  stabbed  in  its  best-guarded  lair. 


n  S?-  -BRUI,E  !~Tears  on  the  eyelash  of  a  complaining  wife  sparkle 
lite  Diamonds.  But  she  should  not  play  these  Diamonds  too  often,  as 
they  rather  tend  to  drive  a  husband  to  his  Clubs. 


rUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— NOVEMBER  7,  1857. 


rj 


TOO    "CIVIL"   BY   HALF. 

The  Governor-General  Defending  the  POOR  Sepoy. 


NOVEMBER  7,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


193 


THE    CORPORATION    ITSELF    AGAIN. 

ANY  persons  thought  the  conventional 
idea  of  the  Loup  MAYOR  and  the 
Aldermen  was  beginning  to  be  regarded 
as  a  vulgar  error.  The  notion  that  they 
were  especially  addicted  to  venison 
and  turtle  was  taking  a  place  amongst 
popular  fallacies.  To  suppose  them  to 
be  particularly  fat,  and  peculiarly  prone 
to  those  indulgences  which  produce 
corpulence,  namely  eating  and  drinking, 
was  fast  getting  regarded  as  a  mistake, 
(\im'ing  a  want  of  sharpness  ana 
practical  knowledge ;  an  innocence  and 
a  greenness.  Many  a  fond  lover  of 
comic  antiquity  was  yielding  to  an  ap- 
prehension that  the  burlesque  glory  of 
Guildhall  and  the  Mansion-hou' .< 
departing.  There  remained,  to  be  sure, 
the  Lord-Mayor's  Show,  and  Temple 
Bar,  and  Go<;  and  MAGOG,  to  rebuke 
their  despondency ;  nevertheless  it  was 
a  fact  that  the  civic  monarch  and  the 
civic  nobility  were  occasionally,  if  not 
often,  to  be  heard  talking  wisely,  and 
even  grammatically;  not  necessarily 
misjoining  singular  and  plural,  con- 
founding v  with  w,  and  omitting  or 
superadding  h.  Reflecting  minds  were 
entertaining  serious  anxiety  for  the  con- 
servation of  that  ludicrous  element,  the 
ancient,  venerable,  endearing,  and  pecu- 
liar characteristic  of  the  corporation  of 
London.  All  who  may  have  been  in- 
fluenced by  these  melancholy  misgivings 
will  derive  a  most  comfortable  reas- 
surance from  a  short  report  lately  given 
by  the  Examiner  of  a  discussion  which 
had  just  occurred  among  the  Aldermen, 
under  the  LORD  MAYOR  in  Court  assembled.  It  is  headed: — 

PITIFUL    CONDITION    OF   THE    COURT    OF    ALDERMEN. 
Under  this  affecting  title,  it  informs  the  sympathizing  reader  that 

"The  following  interesting  conversation  took  place  on  Tuesday  in  the  Court  of 
Aldermen : — 

"  The  LORD  MAYOR.  Thia  reminds  mo  of  a  matter  of  privilege.  The  Crown  has 
each  year  been  in  the  habit  of  sending  eight  bucks  to  the  LORD  MAYOR.  Thi*  year 
I  have  not  had  tlitm,  although  I  have  applied  for  thctii.  (Laughter.)  " 

There,  was  a  time,  perhaps,  when  the  LORD  MAYOR'S  statement, 
that  he  had  not  received  the  venison  which  he  expected  and  had  asked 
for,  would  not  have  been  taken  as  a  joke,  and  hailed  with  laughter. 
However,  the  Aldermen  may,  though  really  viewing  their  disappoint- 
ment as  no  joke,  have  determined  to  bear  it  with  forced  good  humour. 
In  the  same  apparently  merry  mood  they  received  the  similar  com- 
plaint of  one  of  their  brethren : — 

"ALDERMAN  ROSE.  I  ram*  had  the  bucks  to  which  1  wot  entitled  forwarded  to  me 
ltr.)n 

The  LOUD  MAYOR  and  ALDERMAN  ROSE,  however,  appear  to  have 
stated  their  grievances  with  becoming  gravity  :  and  ALDERMAN  COPE- 
LAND  followed  them  on  the  same  subject,  evidently  impressed  with  a 
due  sense  of  its  importance : — 

"  ALDKRMAN  COPELAND.  It  is  n  woll-known  fact  that  the  Aldermen  are  very  fond 
of  venison,  and  therefore  it  is  hard  to  cut  it  off." 

The  inference  is  a  logical  touch  of  pathos.  "  It  is  hard  to  cut  it  off ! " 
This,  simply  regarded,  appears  to  be  the  mournful  exclamation  of  some 
meek  and  patient  sufferer :  but  ALDERMAN  COFELAND  is  no  such 
spoony.  No,  Sir ;  the  worthy  Alderman  suggests  reprisals : — 

"  The  Corporation  is  in  the  habit  of  providing  livery  for  the  Officers  of  State,  and 
I  would  suggest,  that  as  they  have  stopped  the  venison,  we  should  stop  the  clothunt. 
(Muck  lauyltter,  and  '  No,  no  .'')" 

GOG  and  MAGOG,  on  this  occasion,  seem  to  have  been  agog  for  fun ; 
and  would  not  listen  with  the  solemnity  which  the  topic  demanded. 
So  the  LORD  MAYOR  was  obliged  to  insist  upon  it. 

"  The  LORD  MAVOR.  The  RECORDER  says  he  has  never  had  7<i«  three  bucks." 

This  remark  brought  up  the  RECORDER  ;  and  that  learned  gentle- 
man certainly  evinced  an  adequate  sense  of  the  weightiness  of  the 
matter  in  question.  He  pronounced  the  following  judicial  opinion : — 


The  above  reads  partly  like  a  legal  opinion,  and  partly  like  a  legend 
related  by  a  forester  in  a  melodrama.  It  suggests  an  idea  of  the 
learned  speaker  attired,  as  to  one  half  of  his  person,  in  official  wig  and 
gown,  knee  shorts,  black  silks,  shoes  and  buckles  ;  and  bedizened,  as 
to  the  other,  with  hat  and  feathers,  green  braided  tunic  and  breeches, 
and  russet  boots,  and  a  girdle,  with  a  horn  in  it  and  a  hanger  at  it, 
half  round  the  waist.  It  also  causes  imagination  to  picture  to  itself 
London  citizens  stag-hunting  in  the  lloyal  Forests— JOHN  GILPIN 
associated  witli  SIR  WALTKK  TYRREL— and  conjures  up  a  vision  of 
the  horse  and  his  civic  rider,  too  extremely  ridiculous  to  be  further 
dwelt  upon  without  pain. 

It  is  worthy  of  note  that  the  LORD  MAYOR  expected  eight  bucks, 
Alderman  ROSE  more  than  one,  and  the  KKCOIUJKR  three.  Hence 
arises  a  question,  which  never  perhaps  occurred  before;  nameh,  II"-. 
many  fat  bucks  is  a  Lord  Mayor,  an  Alderman,  or  a  Recorder,  capable 
of  eating  up  in  a  season  ?  Waiving  this,  however,  let  us  rejoice  in  the 
!»hove-([uoted  specimen  of  the  discussions  of  the  Court  of  Aldermen. 
Taken  in  connection  witli  the  altercation  which  lately  took  place  on  the 
bench  between  two  of  those  dignitaries  about  an  allusion  to  tallow 
which  one  of  them  thought  personal,  it  affords  hope  that  ;the  good  old 
times  of  the  city  are  not  yet  gone. 


A  PEODIGY  IN  AN  HUMBLE  STATION. 

ANY  gentleman  desirous  of  losing  his  life  without  appearing  to 
destroy  it  by  his  own  act,  so  as  not  to  incur  the  suspicion  of  suicide, 
should  travel  backwards  and  forwards  by  rail  between  Banbury  and 
Oxford,  until  he  meets  with  a  fatal  accident— at  least,  if  dependence  is 
to  be  placed  on  the  statement  of  the  writer  of  a  letter  in  the  Times, 
signed  A.  A.,  who  avers  that — 

"  At  the  Kirtlington  Road  Station  (a  small  one,  no  doubt)  between  Banbury  and 
Oxford,  one  man.  and  one  man  only,  has  every  day  to  do  the  following  duty  : — He 
has  to  issue  tickets  for  the  up  and  down  trains,  frequently  coming  and  going  close 
together :  he  has  six  signals  to  attend  to,  and  four  pair  of  points ;  to  attend  to  all 
passengers'  luggage,  and  to  receive  all  parcels,  to  collect  tickets,  to  carry  a  lamp  in 
the  evening  half  a  mile  on  each  side  of  the  Station,  his  office  and  signals  in  the 
meantime  being  left  without  any  one ;  he  has  also  to  weigh  up  coal  for  the  company 
and  to  load  the  corn-trucks,  .  .  .  He  has  also  to  put  any  horses  and  carriages 
on  the  rails." 

The  description  of  this  individual's  ordinary  avocation  reads  like  an 
account  in  our  sporting  contemporary  of  one  of  those  feats  which  are 
performed  for  a  wager,  and  which  consist  in  running  so  many  miles, 
and  in  the  meanwhile  picking  up  a  lot  of  stones  with  the  mouth,  and 
doing  a  number  of  other  almost  impossible  things.  Railway  station- 
master  and  railway  station  man-ot-all-work,  this  person  must  be  a 
ROBERT  HOTJDIN  in  his  way,  or  even  possess  an  amount  of  versatility, 
activity,  and  power  of  simultaneous  attention  to  a  multitude  of  different 
subjects,  almost  equalling  the  endowments  of  LORD  BROUGHAM  himself. 
His  abilities  are  wasted  at  the  Kirtlington  Road  Station,  he  should 
come  up  to  Town,  and  eclipse  the  Wizard  of  the  North,  if  he  stays 
where  he  is,  his  prodigious  abilities  will  not  be  sufficient  to  prevent 
somebody  some  day  from  being  smashed  through  some  inevitable  con- 
fusion in  his  arrangements,  and  then  a  British  Jury  will  find  a  verdict 
of  manslaughter  against  him,  instead  of  his  employers,  who  ought  to 
employ  more  servants  at  the  Kirtlingtqn  Road  Station  at  least,  if  they 
do  not  want  life  to  be  very  shortly  sacrificed  on  their  Railway. 


DEFIANCE. 

WHO  says  we  can't  frame 

A  rhyme  to  each  name 

Of  the  bold  Siamese 

Who  have  just  crossed  the  seas  ? 

Says  BRACKTY  to  MUNTRI, 

"  I  don't  like  this  country ;  " 

Says  MTJNTHI  to  BRACKTY, 

"They  've  got  no  good  black  tea ;  " 

"  You  haven't  yet  tried ;  ax," 

Says  SARBKICK  to  BIDACKS  ; 

Says  BIDACKS  to  SAHBKICK, 

",1  can't  in  this  garb  kick." 

So  there  are  four  rhymes  for  the  queerest  adnomina 
Vessel  of  England  has  ever  brought  home  in  her. 


Revolting  Anecdote. 

A  WRETCH  of  a  husband,  coming  home  at  one  in  the  morning,  found 
his  angel  wife  sitting  up  reading  an  old  novel.  With  a  coarseness 
almost  amounting  to  cruelty,  he  took  the  book  from  her  hand,  and 
placed  before  her  a  pair  of  her  child's  socks,  which  happened  to  have 
holes  in  them,  disgustingly  observing :  "  If  you  will  Jatigue  yourself, 
my  love,  with  any  work  at  such  an  hour,  I  .would  suggest  It" is  Xerer 


too  Late  to  Mend. 


194 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  7,  1857. 


TO    GOLIGHTLY    TEAZLE,    ESQ.,    M.A., 

Of  the  Saturday  Review. 

YB.T.SUS,"  of  the  Sa- 
turdaylteriew,  of  Oc- 
tober 24th,  informs 
us  of  the  sudden 
and  alarming  indis- 
position of  Mu. 
GOLIGHTLY  TEAZLE, 
wherefore  Mr. Punch 
presents  his  compli- 
ments to  that  afflict- 
ed gentleman,  and 
in  acknowledgment 
of  his  exertions  as  an 
operator  secundum 
artem  or  secundum 
artes,  as  the  diploma 
runs,  Mr.  Punch  un- 
dertakes to  prescribe 
for  him  gratis. 

Mr.  Punch  has  the 
more  confidence  in 
dealing  with  his  case 
as  experience  recalls 
to  him  rftany  similar. 
There  is  the  case 

of  A.,  who  received  a  corporal  chastisement/and  who  was  in  consequence 
driven  insane  by  an  imputation  on  his  second  cousin.  There  is  the  case 
of  B ,  who  relieved  a  painful  corn  by  applying  a  dozen  leeches  to  the 
foot  of  her  bedstead.  And  there  is  the  case  ot  C.,  who  received  a  con- 
tusion on  the  nose,  and  who  extracted  the  bruise  by  a  blister  on  his  os 
sacrum.  These  are  cases  in  point,  and  Mr.  Punch  has  great  pleasure  in 
making  a  note  of  them  to  console  MR.  TEAZLE.  If  Mr.  Punch  is  right 
as  to  MB.  T.'s  constitution,  it  is  by  no  means  liable  to  the  serious  attack 
of  which  he  complains.  It  is  quite  out  of  the  question  that  he  could 
suffer  from  verbum  sapienti,  because  for  this  there  must  be  a  predis- 
position in  the  patient,  which  Mr.  Punch  does  not  recognise  in  the  case 
of  MK.  TEAZLE. 

Nothing  is  more  common,  as  Mr.  Punch  observes,  than  for  a  patient 
to  mistake  the  nature  of  his  own  disorder,  and  so  in  this  instance  MK. 
TEAZLE  supposes  that  he  is  touched  in  the  region  of  the  heart  by  a 
verbum  sapienti,  when  the  true  seat  of  his  discomfort  is  somewhere  efee, 
probably  in  a  less  vital  and  delicate  part  of  his  organism.  It  is  true 
that,  by  what  DR.  MARSHALL  HALL  designated  the  reflex  action  of 
the  nerves  of  sensation,  the  symptoms  of  JVlR..  TEAZLE  do,  no  doubt, 
bespeak  a  very  considerable  cerebral  irritation.  "  Common-place 
folly,"  "bigotry,"  "imbecility,"  "miserable  doggerel,"  "brutality," 
"  irreverence,"  "  dirty,"  "  nauseous,"  "  contemptible,"  "  pitiful 
drivel,"  "  professional  buffoons,"  "  beslobber,"  and  the  like,  indicate 
a  foul  state  of  the  tongue,  and  disclose  the  existence.of  a  lurking  fever 
in  the  system. 

Mr.  Punch  is  the  more  concerned  for  Mil.  TEAZLE,  as  such  symp- 
toms incapacitate  him  for  the  performance  of  his  functions  as  the  calm 
monitor  and  critic  of  the  vulgar  "  middle  classes."  The  air  of  superior 
refinement  and  repose  which  is  requisite  for  this  office  is  thus  oblite- 
rated, and  MR.  TEAZLE,  like  one  of  the  coarse  middle-classes  them- 
selves, is  betrayed  into  motions  of  an  expansive  nature,  which  ruffle 
his  shirt-front,  disorder  his  neckcloth,  entail  a  larger  outlay  for  starch 
on  his  washerwoman,  and  in  the  meantime  impair  his  influence  with 
polite  society. 

Mr.  Punch  must  not  only  take  into  account  the  detriment  to  MR. 
TEAZLE  and  the  wax-lights  of  literature,  but  the  encouragement  to 
those  greasy  and  illiterate  persons  whom  the  bad  taste  of  the  public 
lias  rendered  so  offensively  popular.  There  is  no  doubt  that  some  of 
these  low  people  will  be  encouraged  in  consequence  to  think  less 
deferentially  of  their  Saturday  .Reviewers.  Hitherto  they  have  ac- 
quiesced, as  far  as  they  were  capable  of  understanding  it,  in  the  esoteric 
doctrine  of  the  Eton  Philosopher — ingenuas  didicisse  fdeliter  artes, 
mollit  mores,  nee  linit  esseferos.  But  if  the  mastery  of  arts  is  combined 
with  such  manners  as  these,  and  has  so  little  influence  on  the  irrita- 
bility of  the  initiatedj  the  reverence  for  Masters  of  Arts  will  decrease 
simultaneously  with  the  general  loss  of  confidence  in  the  Latin  Syntax 
and  its  examples,  till  by-and-by  even  a  Popjoy  Prizeman  will  come  to 
be  thought  of  little  more  account  than  the  serial"  scribblers  who 
write  for  the  world  at  large,  and  for  whom  the  fact  that  their  writings 
are  popular  affords  a  presumption  that  they  are  contemptible. 

Mr.  Punch  is  so  concerned  for  the  apprehended  consequences,  that 
he  wishes  MR.  TEAZLE  to  be  instantly  bled,  and  the  refined  extract 
to  be  preserved  in  a  Dresden  China  Vase  for  a  regular  analysis  by  the 
College  of  Physicians. 

In  the  meantime,  apart  from  the  immediate  cause  of  the  complaint, 


and  the  natxire  of  which  Mr.  Punch  understands  perfectly,  he  is  inclined 
to  attribute  much  of  the  consequent  irritation  to  the  circumstances  of 
MR.  TEAZLE'S  early  diet  and  nurture.  If  it  is  true  that  MR.  T.  was 
weaned  upon  pickles,  in  Mr.  Punch's  opinion  the  vinegar  is  still  in  his 
system. 

But  Mr.  Punch  will  pay'every  attention  to  MR.  TEAZLE'S  case,  and 
hopes  shortly  to  report  favourably  on  his  progress. 


THE  CRACKING  OF  BIG  BEN. 

WHO  cracked  the  Bell  ? 

"  I."  says  JOHN  BULL, 

"  Because  I  'm  a  f<x>l : 
And  I  cracked  the  Bell." 

0  BOLL,  you  're  a  Booby.    You  'd  got  a  fine  Bell, 
A  thing  that  did  credit  to  HALL  and  to  WABKER, 

And  stupidly  eager  for  toll  and  for  knell, 
You  stick  up  your  Bell  to  be  banged  in  a  corner. 

And  why  so  impatient,  and  why  could  you  not 
Till  the  Bell  was  in  place  condescend  just  to  tarry  ? 

You  've  cracked  it, — in  two  senses  sent  it  to  pot, 
And  the  tower  must  be  dumb,  to  the  fury  of  BAV.RY. 

You  can't  make  a  statue,  no  more  could  old  Home, 
Who  vaunted  that  "  others  might  model  the  brasses  " 

(See  Virgil,  lib.  vi.,  where  each  schoolboy's  at  home, 
And  every  one  else,  except  ignorant  asses). 

But  when  alii  had  molliiet  practised  their  skill, 
Not  even  the  Romans,  so  clumsy  and  conky, 

Went  pounding  the  (era,  spirantia,  until 
The  "breath"  came  through  cracks,  as  you've  done,  you 
old  donkey. 


AN  UNFORTUNATE  OBSERVATION. 

MR.  HAMILTON  NISBET,  that  great  landed  Squire  and  Protectionist 
has  been  abusing  the  London  shopkeepers.  The  ox  of  Protection  has 
been  heard  to  speak  often  enough,  but  has  never,  hitherto,  proclaimed 
himself  an  ox.  MR.  NISBET,  however,  has  done  something  even  worse 
than  that.  He  calls  the  shopkeepers  of  London  "butchers  going 
to  cut  the  throats  of  the  landed  interest."  In  this  remark,  does  not 
MR.  NISBET,  as  a  member  of  the  landed  interest,  appear  to  express  aa 
apprehension  of  being  converted  into  veal  ? 


SO  MOST   PEOPLE   THINK. 

WHEN  BISHOP  BERKELEY  raised  the  cry  "  No  Matter,'1 
He  used  two  words  than  which  no  answer 's  patter 
When  the  existing  BEKKELEYS  scrawl,  or  chatter. 


A  BELL  FOR  BEDLAM. — Poor  Big  Ben  is  cracked, 
hopeless,  and  he  ought  to  be  sent  to  an  Asylum. 


His  case  is 


NOVEMBER  7,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


195 


KEYS    OF    MYSTERY. 

E  Lave  no  wish  to  be 
thought  of  a  Paul- 
I'rjing  disposition, 
or  desirous  to  pro- 
trude our  nasal  fea- 
ture into  secrets  of 
the  State,  but  we 
must  say  we  feel 
femininely  curious 
to  learn  why  the 
can  never 
travel  in  her  own 
dominions,  without 
having  to  pull  up  at 
every  city  that  she 
comes  to.  and  re- 
ceive a  bunch  of 
keys  from  the  hands 
of  the  authorities. 
At  Aberdeen  the 
other  day,  the  chro- 
niclers inform  us : — 

41  A  magnificent  arch 
was  erected  at  the 
boundary,  and  here  the 
ceremony  of  presenting 

—  t.uu  keys  of  the    City 

was     performed :    the 

LORD  PROVOST,  in  a  few  loyal  sentences,  bidding  HER  MAJESTY  welcome,  and  the 
QUEEN  expressing  gratification  at  being  once  more  in  the  City  of  Aberdeen." 

Now,  as  far  as  the  loyalty  and  welcome  are  concerned,  we  can  see 
no  cause  to  quarrel  with  this  ceremony ;  but  the  presentation  of  the 
keys  is  now  a  meaningless  absurdity,  which  we  are  quite  sure  could 
not  have  "gratified"  HKK  MAJESTY.  When  cities  had  walls,  and 
city  keys  had  locks  to  them,  there  might  have  been  some  sense  in 
handing  them  to  royalty ;  but  we  regard  the  ceremony  now  as  an  effete 
superfluity,  a  piece  of  mere  theatricalism  which  must  annoy  the  QUEEN. 
and,  indeed,  is  only  lit  for  the  Princess's.  Of  course  we  shall  be  tola 
that  the  custom  is  an  "  ancient "  one,  and  that  loyalty  and  homage 
are  implied  in  the  observance  of  it ;  but  to  modern  minds  these  ancient 
customs  are  of  questionable  import,  and  partake  rather  more  of  nuisance 
than  advantage. 

It  really  seems  ridiculous  that  in  this  boasted  age  of  Progress 
the  QUEEN  should  be  arrested  by  these  key-presenting  Provosts, 
who  seize  on  her  like  button-holders,  with  their  small  talk  ana 
inanities.  It  is  time  the  royal  road  were  cleared  of  these  infesters, 
who  do  not  hesitate  to  stop  the  QUEEN  upon  her  own  highway ;  and, 
presenting  keys  like  pistols  rob  her  of  some  golden  minutes  every  time 
they  catch  her.  Paying  them  attention  is  as  bad  as  paying  turnpikes, 
and  the  QUEEN  should  be  relieved  of  all  such  taxes  on  her  patience. 
Of  course  etiquette  demands  that  she  should  "express  her  gratifica- 
tion" at  these  trials  of  her  temper,  but  we  believe  that  the  QUEEN'S 
English  of  her  speech  is  something  different.  Every  time  she  has  to 
stop  to  have  some  City  keys  presented  to  her,  we  can  imagine  HER 
MAJESTY  saying  to  herself,  "  Don't  come  stopping  me,  yon  tiresome 
men.  Go  away,  do  :  and  take  away  those  Baubles ! " 

The  ceremony,  too,  is  the  more  absurdly  stupid,  as  the  keys  are 
"presented"  only  to  be  handed  back  again.  How  the  QUEEN  can  be 
gratified  by  this  inane  anomaly,  it  is  only  for  the  minds  of  Corporations 
to  conceive.  Were  she  to  express  her  thanks  for  it,  she  could  not  use 
a  truer  phrase  than  "  Thank  you,  gentlemen,  for  nothing."  Of  course 
when  one's  presented  with  a  tiling,  one  naturally  expects  that  one  will 
be  allo\ved  to  keep  it;  and  although  bunches  of  keys  are  somewhat 
troublesome  ironmongery,  we  really  should  insist,  if  we  were  HER 
MAJESTY,  upon  Our  clear  right  to  pocket  all  that  were  presented  to 
Us.  It  is  true  that  keeping  keys  is  a  source  of  great  anxiety  (the 
wear  and  tear  of  mind  from  the  mislaying  of  our  own  turns,  we  quite 
believe,  at  least  a  dozen  hairs  grey  weekly),  still  the  QUEEN  might 
have  a  keeper  of  her  keys  as  of  her  conscience :  in  fact,  at  no  great 
rise  of  salary,  LOUD  CRANWORTH  would,  no  doubt,  consent  to  act  in 
both  capacities. 

In  eases  were  the  keys  were,  as  at  Aberdeen,  of  silver,  we  should 
ourselves,  were  we  HER  MAJMTT,  be  still  more  disposed  to  keep 
them ;  for  although  of  neither  use  nor  ornament  as  keys,  We  might 

fet  them  melted  into  tea-spoons,  and  so  enrich  Our  royal  plate-basket, 
he  keys  might  then  be  looked  on  in  the  light  of  royal  perquisites, 
and  there  would  be  some  consolation  for  the  stopping  to  receive  them. 
As  it  is,  their  presentation— recalled  as  soon  as  made— amounts  only 
to  the  giving  of  the  airiest  of  nothings  :  in  fact,  is  what  CARLYLE  would 
term,  a  Windbag,  to  which  nothing  that  we  know  of  can  give  an  air 
of  usefulness. 

If  the  custom  be  persisted  in  (and  these  ancient  ones  die  hard),  we 
should  recommend  at  least  that  our  suggestion  should  be  taken,  and 


that  any  keys  when  presented  should  be  considered  given  out  and  out. 
It  would  however  he  still  more  an  amendment  of  the  matter,  if  abunch 
of  grapes  were  substituted  for  the  bunch  of  keys.  The  presentation  of 
a  pound  or  so  of  juicy  cool  l.hrk  Ilambro'  would  be  a  graceful  act  of 
homage  to  II  ER  M  AJ  ESTY  when  travelling ;  and  a  much  more  refreshing 
ceremony  to  stop  for,  than  the  presentation  of  some  tasteless  specimens 
of  metal-work.  We  are  not  in  general  rabidly  utilitarian,  but  in  this 
math  r  of  the  keys  we  feel  certainly  disposed  'to  ask,  What  can  be  the 
use  of  it ''  and  till  some  one  solves  the  mvstery.  as  we  consider  it 
affects  HER  MAJESTY'S  convenience,  we  shall  hold  ourselves  excused 
for  feeling  so  key-urious. 


LEARNING  AND  POLITENESS. 

IP  Latin  and  Greek  are  meant  by  the  ingenuous  arts  which,  ac- 
cording to  the  parliamentary  quotation  in  the  Kton  Grammar,  soften 
men's  minds  and  do  not  .sullVr  them  to  be  brutal,  the  quotation  is  at 
fault,  and  should  cease  to  be  made  in  the  House  of  Commons,  the 
Mansion  House,  and  elsewhere.  Scholars,  engaged  in  any  dispute 
about  words,  have  always  been  peculiarly  abusive ;  and  some  of  the 
disputants  in  the  late  Telegram"  controversy  have  very  signally 
exemplified  this  characteristic  of  the  scholastic  mind.  Short  of  calling 
each  other  dunces,  fools,  blockheads,  simpletons,  and  jackasses,  they 
have  used  towards  one  another  the  most  contemptuous  language 
possible.  It  is  very  odd  that  pride  and  vanity  should  be  so  often 
found  associatedl  with  Greek  and  Latin — that  proficiency  in  those  two 
particular  dead  languages  should  so  frequently  be  combined  with 
insolence.  The  want  of  classical  knowledge  is  sometimes  ascribed 
to  the  circumstance  that  the  deficient  individual  was  not  properly 
whipped,  but  the  possession  of  it  seems  to  be  frequently  accompanied 
with  a  very  serious  need  of  horsewhipping. 


TITE  BAKNACLE'S  CUR. 

THE  cur  that  on  a  recent  grave 
Betrayed  his  nature's  failing, 

Continues  still  to  misbehave, 
And  kicks  invite  by  railing. 

What  earnestness  of  would-be  scorn ! 

What  eagerness  in  sneering ! 
Not  Hate,  of  smarting  Envy  corn, 

Could  be  more  persevering. 

Was  his  tail  trodden  on,  one  day  ? 

His  ear,  all  sore  with  canker, 
Wrung  hard,  to  make  him  thus  display 

His  little  dogged  rancour  ? 


APROPOS  OF  THE  GEEAT  BONNET  QUESTION. 

"  DEAB  MB.  PUNCH, 

"  I  AM  delighted  to  see  that  the  Reviews  are,  at  last, 
beginning  to  give  their  attention  to  really  important  subjects.  The  last 
Westminster  for  instance,  has  an  article  on  Female  Dress,  which  I  hope 
will  be  followed  by  others  on  '  Housekeeping,'  '  Cookery,'  '  The 
present  treatment  of  Wives  by  Husbands,'  and  so  on.  These  are 
matters  which  really  come  home  to  people's  businesses  and  bosoms. 
I  should  Eke  to  know  how  many  readers  honestly  care  a  bit  about 
'  The  Life  of  Michael  Angela'  or  ' The  Works  of  Bacon,'  or  the 
'  Present  Aspect  of  ^Esthetic  Philosophy  ; '  or  any  such  far-fetched  out- 
of-the-way  matters,  as  now  fill  up  two-thirds  of  all  the  Quarterlies. 
They  are  all  very  well  for  the  men  who  write  them,  because  they  have 
got  up  the  subject,  and  like  to  show  off. 

"  But  if  the  publishers  want  to  sell  a  hundred  copies  of  their  reviews 
for  one,  they  should  take  up  things  that  everybody  knows  something 
about,  or  ought  to  know  something  about.  They  ought  to  have  more 
lady  contributors,  like  the  authoress  of  that  article  in  the  Westminster 
upon  '  Dress.'  All  I  complain  of  is,  that  the  subject  is  too  cursorily 
treated.  You  can't  deal  with  Dress  as  a  whole  in  a  single  paper.  You 
want  one  article  for  the  Bonnet  alone,  and  another  for  the  Mantle,  and 
another  for  the  Morning  Gown,  and  another  for  Evening  Dress,  and 
so  forth.  So  as  to  complete  the  female  wardrobe,  perhaps,  in  twelve 
articles. 

"  Take  the  Bonnet  for  example.  Only  think  what  a  range  the  reviewer 
ought  to  traverse  to  exhaust  that.  Why  to  deal  with  'the  Bonnet' 
alone  in  a  way  commensurate  with  its  importance,  would  take  volumes 
instead  of  a  single  article,  much  less  a  few  paragraphs  of  an  article.  I 
venture  to  offer  a  hint,  or  contribution,  to  this  article  whenever  it  is 
written. 

"  When  we  were  at  Scarborough  this  year— I  say  ire,  for  I  have 


196 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  7,  1857. 


sisters  and  if  you  have  any  curiosity  to  know  what  we  are  like,  some  of  us  sat  for  the  faces 
in  the  drawings  I  send  with  this  letter-we  were  wearing  round  hats,  which  we  thought  very 
becoming ;  but  we  found  to  our  astonishment  that  it  was  considered  quite  improper  to  go  to 
church  in  them. 

"  Now  I  wish  to  ask  you,  Mr.  Punch,  to  compare  ]\o.  1  and  No.  2  of  the  accompanying 
sketches. 


"  Now,  if  it  is  quite  out  of  the  question  to  wear,  in  church,  the  same  hat  we  may  wear  on 
the  cuff,  or  the  castle-walks,  or  the  sands,  or  anywhere  else  out  of  doors,  I  do  think  one  might 
invent  a  more  church-going  style  of  bonnet  than  the  frail  and  flashy  little  chignon  of  flowers, 
lace,  ribbons,  and  bugles,  which  I  have  tried  to  sketch  in  No.  2. 

"  It  ought  to  be  something  demure,  modest,  and  nun-like.  At  the  same  time,  you  know, 
dear  Mr.  Punch,  it  needn't  be  absolutely  ugly. 

"  I  can't  help  thinking  this  would  be  very  devotional,  and  decidedly  becoming : — 


"  I  have  put  in  both  the  front  and  side-face,  that  you  may  judge  of  the  effect,  as  a  whole. 
|  I  am  wild  to  try  one  of  my  '  Coiffures  a  la  Carmelite,'  if  you  say  you  think  it  the  right 


style  of  thing. 


:  Your  devoted  reader,  LUT." 


[We  congratulate  "  LUT"  on  hei  invention,  and  heartily  recommend  it  to  milliners,  with  a 
church-going  connection.] 


Cheering  for  the  Spanish  Bondholders. 

IT  seems  that  the  great  man  of  the  new  Spanish  Ministry  is  our  old  friend  MON.  We  do 
not  think  that  MON  will  feel  comfortable,  or  be  able  to  do  justice  to  himself  as  well  as  others, 
until  he  gets  T9N  by  his  side.  We  all  know  if  there  is  a  greater  characteristic  than  another 
of  a  Spanish  Ministry  it  is  its  special  talent  for  looking  after  the  Meum  and  Tuum  ;  and  MON 
and  TON,  we  imagine,  will  be  an  agreeable  suggestion  of  the  fate  that  is  in  store  for  Le  Mien 
and  Le  Tien.  That  is  decidedly  the  Alpha  and  Omega  of  a  Spanish  Ministry.  Every  other 
interest  is  a  complete  dead  letter. 


GIVES  ROMANI. 

In  Quod — rectlue,  we  shall  probably  be  informed.  In  quo, 

WE  are  two  Roman  Citizens, 

Two  Englishmen,  we  mean, 
Confined  in  one  of  BOMBA'S  dens, 

In  scorn  of  England's  QUEEN. 
No  cause  for  our  imprisonment 

Can  Bourbon  BOMBA  show  ; 
And  why  in  dungeon  we  are  pent, 

Is  what  we  wish  to  know. 

On  board  the  steamer  Cagliari, 

We  happened  to  be  found, 
Upon  our  lawful  business,  we 

Were  in  that  vessel  bound, 
When  by  insurgents  she  was  seized, 

Against  our  wish  and  will. 
So  here  we  are.  Is  England  pleased 

That  we  should  lie  here  still  ? 

We  ask  that  BOMBA  would  our  case 

To  open  trial  bring ; 
Against  that  claim  he  sets  his  face, 

Unjust,  despotic  King ! 
Has  England  nothing  like  a  fleet, 

And  no  such  things  as  guns, 
To  teach  a  tyrant  not  to  treat 

In  such  a  sort,  her  sons  ? 

There  was  a  DON  PACIFICO, 

A  subject  of  the  Crown, 
Your  teeth  for  him  you  did  but  show,. 

And  OTIIO  knuckled  down. 
Quite  true  it  is  that  Greece  was  weak ; 

Is  Naples  then  so  strong, 
That,  with  submission  tame  and  meek.. 

You  '11  pocket  BOMBA'S  wrong  ? 


A  TALE  OF  A  TIGER. 

A  FEW  days  ago  (the  narrative  is  in  all  the. 
journals)  a  Bengal  Tiger,  on  its  way  from  the 
docks,  where  it  had  been  landed,  to  the  premises 
of  MR.  JAMBACH,  an  importer  of  such  luxuries, 
broke  loose,  and  after  running  crouchingly  along 
the  street,  sprang  upon  a  poor  child,  and  mangled 
him  cruelly.  MR.  JAMRACH  rushed  to  the  rescue 
with  a  crowbar,  and  was  dealing  the  savage 
animal  a  series  of  heavy  blows,  in  order  to  deliver 
the  boy,  when  the  editor  of  a  penny  humanitarian 
paper  came  up,  and  begged  MB.  J.  not  to  be  hard 
on  the  poor  beast,  who  knew  no  better  than  to 
mangle  children,  and  had  also  a  grievance,  in 
being  restrained  from  his  wild  liberty.  But  MR. 
JAMRACH  rudely  shoved  the  mediator  out  of  the 
way,  and  with  a  few  more  vigorous  strokes  dis- 
comfited the  brute,  and  saved  the  child's  life. 
The  editor  is  virtuously  indignant,  and  declares 
that  JAMRACH  is  no  better  than  HAVELOCK  and- 
WILSON. 


To  Disraeli. 

BIG  BEN  is  cracked,  we  needs  must  own. 
Small  BEN  is  sane,  past  disputation ; 

Yet  we  should  like  to  know  whose  tone 
Is  most  offensive  to  the  nation. 


What  Shall  we  Do  with  our  Convicts? 

IN  answer  to  the  above  question — and  it  lias 
been  waiting  long  enough  for  an  answer — we  be? 
to  say :  "  Send  your  convicts  out  to  India  " — and 
make  them  associate  with  the  natives.  It  cannot 
possibly  do  them  any  harm,  and  there  is  just  a 
chance  that  they  may  civilise  the  Sepoys.  They 
may  teach  them  acts  of  gentleness,  and  other 
lessons  of  humanity ;  for  really,  compared  to  the 
Sepoys,  our  convicts  are  respectable  human 
beings.  Our  blackest  criminal,  by  the  side  of 
NENA  SAHIB,  would  appear  of  an  angelical 
whiteness. 


Frtnted  by  H  ilU.ro  Bndtnry,  at  No.  13.  U.p«r  Wobira  FUce,  lad  Inderlck  Mmllett  E»»m,ofBo.  19,  Q.netn'1  «Md  Wett.  Eefmfl  Furthoth  to  the  fir-Bhof  St.  Pi 
Odlcf  In  Lomb.rJ  Srreet,  la  tbt  Frtcuict  of  WUteCrUn,  111  the  City  of  Loidoi,  >u<  Fobllihtd  by  them  M  Bo,  83,  yieet  Street,  in  tin 

iMavOQ.      9ATUKDAT,  .NOV1HBIB   7     1867. 


aaerM,  IB  the  County  of  Mldd.eips. 
Firlik  of  St.  gride,  la  the  Our  of 


i     NOVEMBER  14,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Boy.  ' 


A  HINT  TO  THE  ENTERPRISING. 

HERE  YOU  ARE,  Sin.  BLACK  YEB  BOOTS,  AND  TAKE  TEU  LIKENESS  FOR 

THE  SMALL  CHARGE  OF  THREEPENCE  ! 


ODE  TO  FRANCATELL1, 

After  a.  Dinnrr  at  the  Bjform  Clai>. 

HAIL,  FIUNCATELLI,  mighty  chef, 

Whose  culinary  sway, 
Which  all  allow,  has  made  thee  now 

Kirst  Artist  of  the  day. 

The  feast  divine,  by  thee  prepared, 

Which  stands  recorded  here, 
Enjoyed  last  night,  though  lost  to  sight, 

Is  still  to  memory  dear. 

Who  can  describe  the  Consomrm' 
AVliich  spreads  thy  fame  so  far, 

What  language  paints,  that  food  for  saint*, 
KROMESKY'S  de  JFoies  gras  f 

Wh:it  honour  was  it  for  La  Dincle 
Picked  from  the  flock  with  care, 

By  thee  truffe,  by  us  mang6e 
'With  Jambon  au  Madere ! 

Proud  must  have  been  those  partridges 

If  they  when  dying  knew, 
That  they  would  be,  in  thy  Salmi, 

Dressed  a  la  Richelieu ! 

Thy  perfect  entremets  will  live 

Iu  glory  evergreen; 
Who  would  not  praise  thy  Mayonnaise, 

Or  Croque-en-Bouche  d'Avelines  ? 

Who  tasted  once  will  ne'er  forget 

Thy  GelSe  au  Noyau, 
Immortal  fame  surrounds  the  name, 

Of  Tartalettes  d'Abricots ! 

In  humble  verse,  great  chef,  I  thus 

Acknowledge  thy  success ; 
But  still  I  wish,  of  every  dish, 

I  'd  eaten  rather  less. 


\  MrsirAL  RECEPTION—  When  the  whale  was  stranded 
at  Scarborough,  an  ex-baritone  went  down  and  serenaded  it 
with  the  air  from  U  Troeatorc .— "  //  Baleine." 


WE  CAN'T  MAKE  A  BRIDGE. 

WE  can't  make  a  monument,  and  now  it  seems  we  can't  make  a 
bridge.  A  poor  simple  suspension  bridge  is  completely  above  us  i 
is  worth  while  walking  down  to  St.  James's  Park  merely  to  see  how 
clever  we  are  in  making  a  failure  All  lovers  of  the  grotesque  should 
make  the  muddy  pilgrimage.  If  a  prize  had  been  offered  tor  an  ugh 
bridge,  we  doubt  if  a  finer  specimen  could  have  been  selected  than  the 
one  which  rears  its  puny  head  over  the  ornamental  water  at  the  old 
spot,  where  the  ferryman  used  to  feather  his  oar  with  so  much  dex- 
terity. Surely,  ornamental  water  deserved  a  bridge  with  some  pre- 
tensions to  ornament.  As  it  is,  we  believe  a  long  plank,  stretched 
across,  would  have  been  less  stuck  up,  and  far  more  ornamental.  Ihe 
worst  is  that,  since  the  water  has  been  purified,  you  have  the  hideous- 
ness  twice  over.  Not  only  do  you  have  the  eyesore  above,  but 
the  bright  reflection  of  it,  also,  below.  The  advantage  of  tins  un- 
provement  is,  that  you  have  two  eyesores  instead  of  one  It  lies  sc 
Squat  on  the  water  (as  though  it  were. taking  a  sitz-bath),  that  tk 
poor  birds  can  hardly  swim  underneath  it.  Some  of  the  swans  have 
dread?  sot  stiff  necks,  from  stooping  so  continually  to  avoid  receiving 
a  kuoc'k  on  the  head.  It  would  not  astonish  us,  as  the  winter  advances, 
to  see  them  with  their  throats  wrapped  up  m  flannel;  an  aged  swan 
with  an  old  stocking  tied  round  its  neck,  would  certainly  be  a  most 
moving  object  of  sympathy. 

AVc  suppose  we  shall  get  accustomed,  in  time,  to  this  new  disfigure- 
ment of  our  mutilated  metropolis,  as  we  have  done  to  others  of  a 
kindred  ugliness  ;  but  it  is  very  trying  at  first.  To  complete  the 
mockery,  we  hope  that  a  board  will  be  put  up  with  the  following 
entreaty  — "  The  Public  is  respectfully  requested  to  protect  this 
valuable  bridge."  On  our  word,  it  is  such  a  malefactor  against  the 
rules  of  good  taste,  that  it  richly  deserves  being  hung,  as  it ,  is,  m 
chains  not  less  black  than  those  that  are  suspended  over  the  Melons 
Gate  at  Newgate. 

To  give  it  an  air  of  additional  lightness,  we  must  not  omit  to  state 
that  the  iron-work  has  all  been  painted  a  deep  funereal  black,  that 


imparts  to  'the  structure  a  rich  coal-barge  heaviness,  worthier  one  of 
the  wharves  at  Blackfriars  than  the  pellucid  banks  of  St.  James  s.  It 
is  so  black,  that  we  fancied  the  drawing  must  have  been  made  by 
COLE  •  only  for  the  credit  of  our  Schools  of  Design,  we  cannot  and  will 
not  believe  it.  Let  us  trust  that  Art  has  not  sunk  so  low  m  this 
country  as  this  Suspension  Bridge  in  the  St.  James  s  Park  would 
indicate  Without  any  offence  to  the  Chinese,  we  must  say  that  i 
would  be  a  disgrace  to  the  Willow-Pattem  Plate. 


LOCUS 
ROME  aids  a  work  her  priests  have  shunned, 

If,  from  his  Holiness's  banks, 
The  POPE  has  helped  the  Indian  Fund 

To  (journals  say)  Two  thousand  francs. 

Come,  CTJLLEN,  humble  that  stiff  neck, 
Good  men  should  pull  in  the  same  boat,  all, 

Cry  Mea  culpa .'  Draw  your  cheque. 
Salute  the  Toe,  and  swell  the  total. 


THIEVES  BEFORE  AND  BEHIND  THE  COUNTER. 

A  CASE  FOR  LEGISLATORS. 

IF  I  go  into  a  Grocer's  shop,  and  steal  two  or  three  pieces  of  sugar, 
I  am  a  thief.    But  if  the  Grocer  sells  me  a  pound  of  sugar  and  there 
are  one  or  two  ounces  short,  he  merely  sells  things  by  false  weight 
I  am  imprisoned.    The  Grocer  is  fined  a  few  shillings,  and  escapes.    1 
am  guilty  of  but  one  theft.     The  Grocer,  it  may  be,  is  guilty  of  a 
thousand,  for  he  robs  every  person  to  whom  he  sells  goods  with  those 
false  weights.    Now,  can  you  tell  us,  by  what  strange  anomaly  ol 
Law  the  greater  Thief  is  allowed  to  get  off  so  much  more  cheaply 
than  the  lesser  ?    Why  shouldn't  there  be  the  same  Law  for  both  > 


VOL.  xxxni. 


198 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  14,  1857. 


A    NEW    ORDER    OF    CHIVALRY. 


By  the  bye  we  wonder  if,  in  Telegraph  Offices,  the  accounts  will  be 
eooked     by  electricity  ?    It  will  be  as  well  for  Directors  to  abstain 
from  the  Stock  Exchange,  and  to  give  up  the  practice,  after  receivin<* 
an  important  dispatch,  of  rushing  to  their  broker's  two  or  three  times 
a-day  or  else  the  public  may  be  raising  the  cry  that  the  accounts  are 
highly  charged."     In  the  meantime,  we  shall   look    out  anxiously 
every  time  we  go  to  the  City,  to  see  if  there  has  not  shot  into  existence  ' 
a  scientific  JOE  s,  where  the  visitor  sees  his  mutton-chop  cooked  iu  the  ' 
same  room  by  means  of  electricity  ! 


ID  any  gentleman  ever  buy  n  horse  without  being  cheated  ? 
Is  not  the  brute  always  found,  within  some  short  time 
»;ti    >     £•  if      P,ur.chaso    to  have  something  or  other  the 
tter  with  it,  which  must  have  been  well  known  to  the  vendor  and 

™  t/lTt     Cd  lfc  W°rtl1  ^S?  ^  its,  p.rice  ?    To  these  Questions  there 

le~  »  J nf  Olle  aM7fr'  »>**»  so  obvious,  that  all  equestrians,  whose 

egs  are  of  a  natural  honest  colour,  will  rejo  ce  greatly  to  hear  that  • 

Association  is  about  to  be  established  for  the  purpose^f  securing  good 

TI?PS  5,"  r?Pf  C ;tably)eoPlec'  ™d™  the  name  of  the  Horse  Societf 

J  ct  of  the  Horse  Society  will  be  to  provide  purchasers  with 

horses  correctly  described,  and  reallv  and  trulv  armraispr)  nttlit.iV  o/.f,m 

anadUhnr,WHithltlliS  V1-^  the  most~^  Jockeys",  veterinarv surgeons 
™  ateS'  WffU  bl  e,n^dbMhe  8™ei*io  Pronounce  onions 
liberal!  J WH  f also,ffered  by.'f  for, sate,  and  as  these  opinions  will  be 
>eral]y  pa,d  for,  buyers  will  of  course,  be  enabled  to  depend  upon 
J  great  rogues  soever  those  who  deliver  them  may  be     It  is 
calculated  that  even  people  accustomed  to  deal  in  horses  will  speak  the 
truth  when  they  know  it  is  their  interest  to  do  so,  and  therefore  t 
Horse  Societv  ,nt™,fc  to  engage,  as  nrof^ional  advisers  some  of  the 


THE   CAMBRIDGE   BANQUET. 

-  ^V  !1Ci  City  can  ever  forgive  itself  for  having  delayed  an'opportunity 
eat,  drink  and  flatter,  so  long  as  it  has  postponed  these  performances 
n  the  case  ot  the  DUKE  OP  CAMBRIDGE,  Goo  only  knows-unless  he  has 
-old  MAGOG  U  sually  the  mst  ant  a  man,  no  matter  what  his  antecedents 
has  reached  the  top  of  the  tree,  pole,  ladder,  or  whatever  other  good 
or  bad  eminence  he  has  coveted,  the  citizens  are  at  him  with  their 
urtlc  and  flummery.  Punch  need  not  name  names,  now  that  all  is 
ereue  but  he  has  not  the  faintest  doubt  that  were  DISCOUNT  VILLIAMS 
nnself  at  the  head  of  a  rabble  of  his  vassals,  to  rush  into  the  royal' 
alace,  terrify  the  FIELD-MARSHAL  P.  A.  into  a  fainting  fit,  and  by 
lenaces  obtain  (not  that  he  would,  if  we  know  our  courageous 
OM-REHix)  the  promise  of  a  Dukedom  and  estates  to  match,  the°City 
>  London  would  be  at  the  DUKE  OF  LAMBETH  's  door,  simultaneously 
milk  and  cat  next,  morning,' begging  his  Grace  to  fix  a  day  to 
the  1-  reedom.  Drawing  a  veil  over  the  terrible  picture  and 
mply  noting  that  the  City  measures  men,  and  measures,  by  one'  test 
ui.v  Success,  Punch  cannot  but  record  his  astonishment  that  the  DUKE 
F  CAMBRIDGE,  who  has  really  merited,  and  received,  far  better  things 
Ja££teia  e^J^^ave  been .  pcnnitted  to  enjoy  tfe 


l 


orde 
order 


H  Si 

T?  %Jt 
It  might 


K 
be 


,    .  * vfMv   \j\jii\jL.    v>  C   &J1UW 

COOKING  BY  ELECTRICITY 


Amends,  however,  have  been  made  this  last  week,  when  the  fated 
-  was/3W  in  the  City,  and  aft*r  endurmg  a  long 

MkEY'  °ne  Of  t}l?{ew  civio  magnates  whocaf 
,MELBO™NE  said  so   had  to  sit  out  a  Mansion 
t  a*sured1/  Ll.s  fellow-guests  were  of  a  mixed 
,  amusing  to  sit  down  with  the  Siamese  and 

American  Ambassadors,  all  of  whom  are  acquainted  with  our  language 
the  hero  CARDIGAN  is  not  unimposing  at  table,  PRINCE  VOGORIDES 
may  have  entertammg  anecdotes  from  Moldo-Wallachia,  and  there 
were  some  distinguished  soldiers,  whom  even  Mr.  Punch  would  gladly 
see  at  his  board.  But  these  were  the  plums  of  the  Citv  puddinf  anl 
nf^tTI1  6  r>e.T,"^er  !Wght  bcwhat  is  caUed  in  Hebrew"  a  fea"t 
Howe  Jr  ln§SH  f  }  y  n°1means  wllat.a  decent  Duke  is  accustomed  to. 
Howevei.good  fortune  makesus  acquainted  with  strange  dinner-fellows 
SIR  JOHN  KEY  gave  the  Duke  some  well-deserved  praise  in  some 

'°^.°"?^  ^  bestof  wMck  wasthat  i^hichthe 
(not  the  LORD  CuAMBEHLAiN-copy  the  address)  paid 

b,Ute  ^°-ra  peiV  as  fearless  in  its  exP°su«  of  abu  es  as 
Crinn  r,  '  °  v?lAj™'  °^f  faPhi<=  Power  "  in  dealing  with  the 
Crimean  Campaign  where  the  Duke's  laurels  were  won.  Nevertheless 

usset  °tlSe  7ef^e  MT  °    .^applauded  WILLIAM  HOWARD 
m  thnronn  f     «?*       Soests  at  the  banquet,  and  we  congratulate 

ffJSSi      ^     ^rn0tD    e^tv  praise'"  and  was  far  Preferable 
ri        solid  pudding  "  Mr.  P»uek\e&  mentioned. 

fnrl  L  fl  I  y  gaVf;        ^'?ke-a  S^0rd  in  the  afternoon,  and  a  knife  and 
tork  in  the  evening.    The  inscription  on  the  former  must  have  been 


i. 


Ijy  Lcyd 
the 


or  negative 


"C  a 


by 

this  scientific 


•     ,  — ..-».««  ji^jLumo ,  me  jiiaiiuiacrurers, 

presents  no  grammatical  error  that  we  can  detect.    Long  mav 
it.ll.  behold  it  hanging  over  his  chimney-piece  among  his  pipes 
Cnmean  relics.  The  knife  bore  only  one  word,  namelv,  "ROGERS  " 
and  the  foik  was  impressed  with  the  City  device.    Both  had  been 

SS3S£flSft  ?leaned'  .tke  °Vle  by  ihe  rot»tory  knife-cleansing 
apparatus,  the  fork  by  a  piece  of  wash-leather  bought  by  the  LOR? 
MAYOR'S  servant  from  a  Jew  named,  we  believe,  ISAACS 

le  earlier  speeches  at  the  banquet  demand,  and  received,  no  par- 
ticular attention,  except  from  PRINCE  VOGORIDES  and  one  or  two 
other  foreigners  who  could  not  understand  a  word  of  them      The 
"  Minister  was  good  enough  to  say,  in  reference  to  the  cere- 
aay,_  that  he  knew  nothing  about  titles,  but  "could 
a  prince  being  a  very  decent  kind  of  erittur,  and  also 
~  Hoped  the  Indian  scoundrels  would  be  tarnation  well  licked 
He  then  Honored;  and  the  MAYOR  gave  the  President  of  the  Council 

Hie  1M.RL   llKANVH.LE. 

,.  ^9w  GRANVILLE'S  speech  was  really  the  event  of  the  week  because 
Be.hrst  time  that  a.  Minister  of  any  standing  has  come  out  upon 
Indian  affairs  It  was  clear  that  the  Earl  had  been  gettin-  up  the 
steam  for  he  had  a  lot  of  notes  to  help  him,  in  case,  3T, :  Punch  s^- 
poses,  the  Mansion-House  champagne  might  make  him  more  ecstatic 

praTse"  oH he  BI.VP  b^?1  to^orkTKke  «  man.  and  after  the  expected 

^i  me  uuke,  began  to  praise  LORD  ELGIN  for  his  nohl»  rondupt 

_m_com.ng  across  to  India  when  he  had  nothing  to  do  in  Cluna: 


thit 
that 


:;!Eii  14,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OH  THE   LONDON  CHART VAUL 


199 


Having  thus  got  I),  inio  a  laudatory  state  of  umu\,  (.::  \-<- 

VII.I.K  In-an  to  ;  .,!u>  IVSMXC;,  and  set  forth  bofl 

not  begged  for  tlie  office  of  Governor-General,  but,  being  am 
took  offliis  coat  to  think  the  -isely  how  I;  .'..prove 

rod  then,  putting  it  on  again,  went  out  and  improved  il 
India' rebelled,     lint  GIMXNY  is  a  clever  man  and  was  very  cautious 
and  begged  only  "  Fair-Play  "  for  I  Hi!,  he  is  sure  of,  but 

what  was  asked   from  him   in   return  was  Fair-Work,  which  is  D0< 
cxactlv  appai'  By  di»patchi  /<  has  seen.   URAMILI.K 

solemnly  promised  that  if  CABHUJfl  should  have  acted  ma     maudlin 
manner'  he,  ( in  \NM U.K.  would  be  the  li  •<•  him  out,  but  he 

revealed  that  in  a  private   1,  <  n  most 

severely   of  the   Sepoys,   and  called. them  Devils      Ihe,  rest  of  the 
speech  vu  apologetic,  but   hypothetieally  so,  for  LORD   bRANViLLE 
evidently  knew  nothing  more  of  what,  has  been  going  on  betw 
authorities  in  Indi  ''  docs,  and  we  have  no  doubt  that 

the  only  brief  he  received  lit  re  CANNING  was  the  following  note  irom 
Broadlands : — 

T   GltANXV, 

ud  puff  CANNY: 
Lay  it  on  thick, 
And  swear  he:  's  a  brick."— P. 

Hut  when  the  la\  inn  ou  comes  to  be  looked  at,  it  is  really  very  little 
thai  the  President  of  tin-.  Council  can  saj  '  tovERNOE-Gi 

<,t-  LNDU  ror  onee  in  bis  life,  GKASVILLK  tired  his  hearers,  ant 
PUINCI.  aslecl?.  lo""  h,efore  tue 

oration  was  over,  while  the  Aldermen  were  yawning  like  mad. 

Vn  artful  dodge  had  been  contrived  in  order  to  get  LORD 

a  hearing.    The  MAYOR  proposed  the  House  of  Lords,  and  the 
citizens  who  I  al  lord  dearly,  and  would  marry  him  to  their 

daughters,  or  do  anything  but  his  "paper,"  waited  for  the  expected 
aristocrat.  And  when  they  only  found  a  law-lord,  who  had  been  not 
very  much  better  than  one  of  themselves  in  early  life,  they  could  not 
exactly  run  away,  es  the  bottles  were  not  empty. 

CK  \SNY  got  an  audience,  and  even  a  cheer,  and  went  home  anil  d 
was  DEMOSTHENES  and  was  sitting  np 

Punch  is  1.  :ow  that  his  friend  the   DUKB has. unce  the 

banquet,  been  as  'well  as  could  be  expected,  and  is  highly  thaiiklul  1( 
his  freedom  from  the  ( 


sure,  for  it  is  rare  that  a  Swell  pets  off  v.  nig  one  or 

:'  SCVU.A,  there  is  the  brush  of 
-  that  is  certain  to  be  down  upon  him  at  the  next 
lucrative  has  the  partutr.-hip  hitherto  been,  that  we  understand  as 
ii  as  a  hurdy-gurdy,  a   monkey,  ami    a  eagv.   full  of  white  mice, 
ntraf  lamp-post,  where  a  good  penny  paper  busineM  is  done, 
has  been  refused  for  it. 


THE  ART  OF  SINKING  A  TELEGRAPH. 

MB.  I'irxfii  lias  received  a  good-humoured  letter  from  MR.  Jons  BE 
LV  HVYK,  of  Manchester;  a  remarkably  good-humoured  letter  as 
com  in"-  from  a  gentleman  who  thinks  that  .I//-.  Pxn,-h  pronounced 
entiou  absurd.  Mr.  Punch,  however,  in  noticing  a  newspaper 
paragraph,  relative  to  MR.  DE  LA  HAYE'S  contrivance  for  the  sinking 
of  submarine  telegraphs,  took  particular  care  to  guard  himself 
being  understood,  and  misunderstood,  to  impute  absurdity  to  the  plan 
of  Mi(.  I.F.  LA  1  IAYK,  even  taking  the  paragraph  in  question  as  correctly 
describing  it.  However,  the  paragraph  is  inaccurate ;  and  here  is  MJU 
DE  LA  HAYE'S  own  specification  of  his  patent  :— 

"  In  order  to  prevent  the  cable  from  breaking  through  the  itraia  caused  by  its 
weight  in  sinking  perpendicularly  from  the  ship,  we  propose  to  r. ••• 
buoyant  by  s  length,  with  a  light  substance,  such  as 

at  its  specific  gravity  would  be  about  one-sixth  more  than 

that  of  water     This  would  allow  tho  cable  t.)  sink  slowly,  ;i  pth.  so  as 

to  be  safe  from  the  effects  of  the  waves  ;  but  would  prevent  its  sinking  at  once  or 
the  bed  of  the  ocean      As  tho  rushes  would  he  only  temporarily 
cable  by  means  of  bands  of  tape,  made  to  adhere  by  a  compound  soluble  in  water  ; 
it  would  be  freed  at  any  civen  tune ;  and  resuming  its  i» : 

would  sink  cm  the  lied  of  the  sea,  but  only  lit  a  considerable  distance  from  the  vessel 
paying  it  out." 

Mr.  Punch  has  still  to  ask,  as  he  asked  before,  concerning  the  in- 
vention above  detailed,  How  about  the  waves,  and  Will  it  wash :-  or 
Won't  it  wash  too  well  r   That,  t  hese  questions  may  not  be  satisfactorily 
answerable  he  does  not  say.    His  hope  is,  that  it  will  wash  in  a  per- 
fectly successful  manner.    In  that  happy  event,  the  sub-Atlantic  cable 
although  really  submerged  by  the  help  of  coopers' rushes,  will  doubt 
less  be  said  by  execrable  punsters,  to  have  been  sunk  by  means  of 
DE  LA  HAYE-bands. 


,  PROFITABLE  PARTNERSHIP. 

WE  have  heard  of  two  brothers  (their  united  ages  do  not  exceed  27, 

and  their  united  heights  cannot  soar  much  above  5  feet  10),  who  have 

gone   into   partnership  at.   the   West    Knd.     They  have  commenced 

i  operations  at  the  corner  of  two  fashionable  streets.    One  is  a  Croe 

|  sweeper,  and  the  other  is  a  Shoe-black.    Their  places  of  business  are, 

you  may  say,  next  door  to  each  other.    The  fust  dirties,  as  though  by 

:  accident,  tlie  boots  of  those  Swells,  who  do  not  give  him  anything,  as 

v  step  over  his  crossing,  and  the  second  comes  in  for  the  benefit  of 

cleaning  them.    In  this  way,  they  play  into  each  other's  hands,  and 

divide  a  considerable  sum  at  the  end  of  the  day.    Their  system  is 


A    ROMANCE    OF    THE    POST    OFFICE. 

VIT1I    A   MORAL   FOR    ALT.  LONDON 


. 


PRETTY  FLORA  ST.  CLAIR  was  a  milliner  fair, 

Her  smile  it  was  pleasant  to  view, 
And  so  thought  the  grave  ALEXANDER  BOLAIH, 

And  so  thought  the  gay  HARRY  BLEW. 

Pretty  FLOSSY  ST.  CLAIR  didn't  very  much  care 
Which  Swell  her  devotion  should  bless  ; 

BOLAIR  had  dark  eyes  and  magnilicent  hair, 
But  BLEW  was  a  stunner  at  dress. 

She  would  wait  till  one  chose  for  her  charms  to  propose  : 

Not  long  her  suspense  was  to  be, 
For  the  very  same  Sunday  both  gentlemen  rose, 

Determined  to  write  to  Miss  C. 

Each  penned  his  best  vows  that,  if  she  'd  be  Ms  spouse, 
He  'd  be  true  as  that  nuisance,  Dog  Tray ; 

Each  posted  his  letter,  to  be  at  her  house 
The  very  first  thing  the  next  day. 

( )n  Monday  Miss  FLOSSY,  with  ringlets  so  glossy, 

Received  at  9'30,  BOLAIR'S, 
And  instantly  wrote  and  accepted,  because  he 

Had  chanced  to  be  first  with  his  prayers. 

But  at  1CM5  did  BLEW'S  letter  arrive, 

Too  late :  she  was  pledged  to  the  first, 
And  the  elegant  HENRY'S  intention  to  wive 

Has  (perhaps  for  his  good)  been  reversed. 

"  But,"  asks  a  sharp  nor,  "  why  with  different  knocks 

Were  the  letters  delivered  ?  "    All  fair. 
BLEW  simply  employed  a  Receiving-House  Box, 

A  Pillar-Box  clinked  for  BOLAIR, 

The  latter  they  clear  ere  the  dawn-streaks  appear, 

And  Aurora's  red  ringers  make  sign, 
While  Receiving-House  letters,  O  lovers  give  ear! 

Are  not  fetched  from  the  shops  until  IX. 

And  FLOBA  ST.  CLALR  is  now  MRS.  BOLAIK, 

And  like  NOURMAUAL  (in  edged  frii! 
She  whispers,  and  twines  his  magnificent  hair — 

"  Remember  the  Pillar  of  HILL'S." 


200 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  14,  1857. 


AN    INCIDENT    WITH    THE    O.  P.  Q.    HOUNDS. 

Miss  DIANA  SLIPS  OFF  AT  A  PENCE,  AND  is  so  UNFORTUNATE  AS  TO  LEAVE  THE  BETTE*  HALF  or  HER  HABIT  ON  THE 

PUMMELS  or  HER  SADDLE. 


A  VULGAR  PELLOW. 

WE  never  heard  o!  one  ABSALOM  DELL,  a  Brighton  auctioneer,  until 
reading  the  Mowing  advertisement,  and  after  reading  it  few  peopl 
wdl  wish  to  hear  of  the  man  again  :— 

THIS  DAY. 

A    SAIL!      A    SAIL!! 

What  life-inspiring  words  to  shipwrecked  fellow  creatures ! 
MA  A-BSAf»(hMiJELI'  is  instructed  by  the  owner  to  Sell  by  Public 


Also,  at  the  same  time  aud  place  of  sale  will  be  ofiered,  &c.  4c 

The  heartless  flippancy  with  which  ideas  of  the  saddest  and  eravest 
character  are  used  6y  this  man  DELL  to  make  up  an  advertifemeu 
needs  no  comment.  But  what  does  he  mean  by  saying  in  his  atom 

SM&±H2?1  f6  °f  thf  fUarim  Was  ^e  m-Lfof  BUN- 
vix*  Ptlgnm.  The  latter  went  to  HEAVEN-the  ship  came  to 
Brighton.  It  is  really,  dangerous  for  fools  to  play  with  serious  words 

e 

f  to 


ONE  OF  DOVOR'S  POWDERS 


the  mekncholy  OSBORNE 


REVEREND  JOCKO. 

CONSIDERABLE  astonishment  has  no  doubt  'been  created  by  the 
following  advertisement,  which  appeared  in  most  of  the  papers  :— 


HALL  SERVICES  for  the  WORKING  CLASSES,  u 

tlie  sanction  at  the  BISHOP  op  LONDON.—  The  SERVICE  fi-trrl  for  Tn  Mm,, 
(SUNDAY)  Sth  instant,  WILL   NOT  TAKE   PLACK    The  BEV    1.  G    EDO  ™n7 
Incumbent  of  the  Parish     has,   by  a  notice  served  yesterday,  FORBIDDEN  THE' 

tS±'m2jf«S!  U'gal  questi°a  Sba11  have  betl1  decided.  &«  Committee  ™U 
theiefore  suspend  the  course.  SHAFTESBURY,  Chairman 

Office  of  Special  Services  Committee,  1,  Robert  Street 
Adelphi,  Nov.  6,  1857. 

Now  that  patent  theatres  have  been  abolished,  so  that  SHAKSIT.ARJC 
can  be  lawfuly  performed  elsewhere  than  at  Drury  Lane,  it  seems  hard 
that  a  clerical  manager  should  have  the  power  to  interdict  the  per- 
formance of  the  Church  Service  in  a  rival  House  of  Worship.  Manager 
we  say,  because  tins  prank  which  the  KE  V.MR.  EDOUART  has  played 
the  Jixeter  Hall  Committee,  looks  very  much  like  the  proceeding  of  a 
member  oi  that  histrionic  sect  which  affects  stoles,  copes,  and  candles 
and  m  general  imitates  the  antics  of  Eoman  Catholic  priests.  We 
shall  be  surprised  to  find,  if  we  do  find,  that  this  divine  is  not  a 
-fusepte  Ihe  Puseyite  may  be  said  to  be  a  fanatic  bearing  the  same 
relation  to  a  Papist  that  an  ape  bears  to  a  fool,  or  a  monkev  to  a  monk  • 
and  the  stoppage  of  the  Exeter  Hall  services  can  [only  be  "regarded  as 
an  ecclesiastical  monkey's  trick. 


Entertainment  in  High  Life. 

AMONG  the  fashionable  intelligence  we  find  the  announcement  that 
UUKE  and  DUCHESS  OF  NORTHUMBERLAND  are  entertaining  a 
elect  circle  of  visitors.    What  a  funny  Duke  and  Duchess !   We  hone 
heir  entertainment  is  received  with  roars  of  laughter 


ADVICE  TO  YOUNG  ENGLAND.-TO  ridicule  Old  Age  is  like  pouring 

3  morning  cold  water  into  the  bed  m  which  you  may  have  to  sleep  I 
t  night.— Hermit  of  (fie  Ilaymarket. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— NOVEMBER  14,  1857. 


INTERESTING    CEREMONY. 

THE  DUKE   OF   BROADACRES  PRESENTING  A   HANDSOME   KNIFE  WITH   A   HUNDRED    BLADES  TO 
BEN  D-ZZY,  A  TIME-SERVER  OF  THIRTY  YEARS'  STANDING. 


NOVEMBER  14,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAB1VA1U. 


203 


SEBASTOPOL    AVENGED  ! 

(An  Article  supposed  to  have  been  written  for  the  Penny  Morning  Startler.) 

HE  CZAR  OP  ALL  THE  RUSSIAN 
has  wreaked  a  subtle  ven- 
geance on  us.  With  our 
arms  away  in  India  he  feels 
we're  at  nis  mercy :  as  hot- 
prcssed  and  defenceless  as  a 
sheet  of  cream-laid  foolscap. 
The  sheet  is  in  his  grasp : 
he  can  "  crumple "  it  at 
pleasure.  But  first  he  writes 
on  it  our  DOOM  in  the  plain- 
est Russian  text.  The 
English  nation  shall  be 
struck  off  from  the  face  of 
the  earth:  nay,  their  very 
Language  even  shall  be  forth- 
with obliterated.  The tongue 
they  speak  shall  not  suivhc, 
even  as  a  dead  one.  Hence- 
forth there  in  fact  is  no  such 
word  as  "  English."  See  how 
he  has  done  it.  We  quote 
from  a  contemporary  ;  our 
foreign^'staff  is  limited : — 

"  The  EMPEROR  or  RUSSIA  baa 

annihilated  the  English  language 
by  a  stroke  of  liiw  peu.  German 
is  no  longer  to  bo  taught  in  the 
College  of  lakutfth  (where  thuro 

is  a  considerable  trade  with  C:ilil.>rm:i),  and  the  programme  of  the  studies  announces 

that  '  In  Itmyi't  11  to  take  its  place." 


Perhaps,  though,  we  are  hasty.  In  the  blindness  of  our  fear  we  may 
have  jumped  to  false  conclusions.  The  CZAR  may  only  mean  to  act 
the  part  of  a  wise  sovereign,  and  have  his  subjects  taught,  the  language 
of  the  countries  where  they  trade.  Yet  why  draw  this  distinction 
between  Yankee-tongue  and  English  ?  Is  it  simply  from  a  wise,  pa- 
ternal, kiuglike  reason  ?  Is  it  simply  because  Yankee-slang  is  more 
uncouth  than  our  "  QUEEN'S  English,"  and  therefore  would  assimilate 
more  closely  with  langite  Rune ?  Does  the  C/.AR  think  langue  Ameri- 
caine  would  come  more  easy  to  his  students ;  and  that  tongues  used  to 
such  sounds  as  Istvoitschik  and  Golopschiii  would  give  congenial  glib- 
ness  to  Slogdollagise,  Abiquotilate,  Gin-juleps,  and  the  like  ?  Yet  may 
it  not  embroil  us  with  our  brother  JONATHAN — this  giving  him  the 
credit  for  a  language  of  his  own— this  subtle  snake-like  hint  that  he 
speaks  doubtful  English  ?  JONATHAN  is  touchy.  His  dander  's  easy 
nz.  'Twould  be  a  dark  day  for  Old  England  should  this  elevate 
his  monkey.  iWith  Cotton  in  war's  balance,  how  Manchester 
would  tremble!  And  when  MANCHESTER  were  fallen,  where  would 

Stand  Great  Britain  ! 

Alarmists  we  are  not ;  but  there  is  fearful  cause  to  quiver.  Flesh  is 
however  fallible :  we  may  be  mistaken.  From  our  hearts  we  hope  it. 
But  our  knowledge  is  but  human.  There  is  no  telling  what  may 
happen.  It,  is  as  well  always  to  be  on  the  safe  side.  If  our  hints  be 
not  taken  by  our  Slumbering  Government,'  let  it  not  at  least  be  for- 
gotten that  we  gave  them.  We  have  sounded  the  alarm.  Ruat  Hanglia  ! 
WE  have  done  our  duty.  On  the  llussian  horizon  the  least  cloud  is 
portentous.  Let  Ministers  have  heed  to  that  which  we  have  shown 
them.  Though  no  "  bigger  than  a  weasel,"  it  may  overspread  Great 
Britain.  In  our  present  hour  of  peril,  precaution  is  our  policy.  Let 
Jmcial  Benches  look  to  it.  Let  PALMERSTON,  with  bated  pride  of 


money-boxes  at  certain  crossings  which  they  will  sweep,  without 
importimin  ,-rs,  who  can  give  or  not  as  they  please.  This  is 

only  half  a  reform,  because  the  parish  officers  who  take  our  money  are 
bound  to  keep  the  streets  in  order,  and  it  is  slill  a  swindle  that  we 
should  be  even  "invited"  to  pay  twice.  But  it  is  better  than  the 
old  system,  and  now  ladies,  and  other  timid  persons  will  approach  a 
crossing  without  double  terror,  that  of  being  badgered  by  a  mendicant, 
and  that  of  being  run  over  by  an  omnibus. 

As  for  the  proposed  folly  of  calling  the  Brigadiers  Path-wardens, 
i  li:it  is  simple  boobyism,  and  we  solemnly  swear  never  to  be  a  Church- 
warden if  such  a  profane  mockery  of  the  title  is  permitted.  Why,  the 
sweepers-  must  be  as  silly  as  TIUVAITES  and  his  central  Scavengers, 
with  their  seal  of  office  and  their  pomposity.  Wardens,  indeed !  Look 
into  a  cookery-book,  and  sec  what  a  Warden-pie  is,  and  then  think 
whether  it  is  anything  like  a  Dirt-pie.  New  brooms,  but  no  new 
names. 

A  TWO-FOOT  HULK. 

OF  course  \ve  adore  pictures,  and  the  new  Paul  Veronese  (our 
£14,000  bargain)  is  worthy  of  all  homage.  But  really  Si  it  CHARLES 
EASTLAKE  has  proposed,  to  all  \vliq  came  1o  see.  Alexander  and  tin: 
Ladies,  such  a  preposterous  ceremonial  1  hat  we  trust  he  will  reconsider 
the  matter,  lie,  or  the  authority  in  charge  of  the  National  Gallery, 
has  fixed  up  a  notice,  requesting  Visitors  "io  scrape  and  wipe  their 
Feet."  Now  we  really  cannot  do  this.  When  our  boots  are  once 
buttoned  up,  we  hate  unfastening  them,  and  then  the  pulling  off  one's 
socks  on  the  steps  of  the  National  Gallery  is  a  great  bore.  And  for 
ladies  _such  a  process  must  be  singularly  inconvenient.  We  repeat 
that  with  all  reverence  for  Art,  we  cannot  consent  to  go  through  a 
more  than  Oriental  humiliation  ut  the  shrine  of  Paul  Very-uneasy. 


farther, 
spoken ! 


Bear  witness  this  Great  Russian  Portent !    Eureka 


sees 
we  have 


SWEEP  FOR  THE  SWEEPS. 


THE  City  authorities  seem  to  be  taking  a  step  to  get  rid  of  a 
nuisance.  The  statement  may  appear  incredible,  but  the  facts  are 
before  the  world.  The  highwaymen,  who  under  the  name  of  crossing- 
sweepers,  plunder  the  nervous  and  molest  the  brave,  are  to  be  got 
nd  ot.  Their  intolerable  pertinacity  has  brought  this  upon  them.  Any 
person  who  has  a  walk  of  twenty  minutes  between  his  residence  and 
.is  place  of  business,  is  persecuted  by  at  least  a  dozen  of  these  pests, 
who  have  either  a  right  to  his  money,  or  have  not,  If  they  have  a 
right,  who  pockets  the  rate  for  Paving  and  Cleansing ;  if  they  have 
noi ,  v,  here 's  the  police  ? 

It  is  idle  to  say  that  giving  is  voluntary.    People  pay  rather  than  be 

bothered,  perhaps  splashed,  by  the  whining  mendicants,  and  no  one  has 

t  to  annoy  another.     So  the  Sewers  Commissioners  think,  and 

they  have  granted  the  prayer  of  a  Ragged  Brigade  to  be  allowed  to  fix 


THE  GREAT:  BERKELEY  BUSIN  !•>-•. 

(Summory,'to  the  very  latest  I-'.'  '--A.) 

SAYS  GRANTLEY  to  BOODLE, 

"  EARL  BERKELEY'S  a  noodle 
Whom  you  all  lead  along  in  a  string  like  a  poodle ; 

And  I  've  just  diskivered 

He 's  sealed  and  delivered 
Some  deed  by  which  all  my  own  fortunes  are  shivered." 

Writes  BOODLE,  "  Suspicions 

Or  even  propositions 
Like  those,  we  discuss  on  no  kind  of  conditions'; 

But  a  scolding  you  mention, 

Though  bitter  as  gentian, 
SIR  MAURICE  served  out  with  the  kindest  intention." 

[ADVERTISEMENT.] 

rrO  THE  COMMERCIAL  WORLD  AND  TRADERS  GENERALLY. 
—SACKIT,  KITE,  and  SWAG,  Bill  Manufacturers  and  Accommodation  Paper 
Makers,  solicit  the  attention  of  the  heads  of  shaky  firms  and  tradesmen  (large  or 
small)  of  exhausted  capital  and  credit,  to  their  unrivalled  manufactures  of  an  arti- 
ficial currency,  whereby  the  solvency  of  bankrupt  traders  may  (one  time  in  ten 
million)  be  securely  re-established.  Without  much  labour  and  at  no  expense, 
SACKIT,  KITE,  and  SWAG  have  sot  up  the  most  perfect  machinery  for  turning  out 
"good  paper"  with  tho  greatest  possible  despatch,  and  from  their  unbounded 
means  of  manufacture  the  largest  orders  can  be  executed  at  the  very  cheapest  rates. 
Their  '  first-class  bill "  may  be  pronounced  a  most  superior  article,  and  well  worthy 
of  inspection:  the  neatness  of  its  make  concealing  almost  wholly  its  flimsiness  of 
texture,  and  rendering  it  negotiable  at  any  rate  as  waste-paper.  Their  blank 
acceptances  are  also  strongly  recommended,  as  being  highly  serviceable  in  cases  of 
emergency ;  the  body  of  the  draft  boing  left  in  blank,  tho  filling  up  is  left  to  the 
discretion  of  the  holder,  who  may  insert  whatever  sum  and  date  and  drawer's 
signature  be  chooses. 

SACKIT,  KITE,  and  SWAG,  likewise  beg  inspection  of  their  Imitation  Autographs, 
which  are  got  up  with  such  nicety  of  finish  that  only  tho  exportest  Banker's  clerk 
would  doubt  their  being  genuine.  The  names,  being  those  of  perfect  Rothschildren 
in  credit,  may  be  used  with  much  advantage  as  endorsements  to  a  Bill,  and  will 
impart  a  good  appearance  to  the  very  worst  of  \ 

SACKIT,  KITE,  and  SWAO  would  also  direct  notice  to  their  List  of  References, 
which  will  be  found  a  highly  useful  appendage  to  the  counting-house.  It  contains 
some  hundred  names  of  non-existent  persons,  to  whom  inquiries  as  to  solvency 
may  safely  be  permitted.  In  ease  of  such  inquirers  applying  through  the  Post 
care  is  requisite,  of  course,  to  have  them  taken  in,  by  providing  proper 
agents  to  receive  their  letters,  and  so  preventing  their  return  through  the  Dead 
department.  The  answers  sent  can  then  of  course  be  made  in  any  terms  that  may 
bo  deemed  advisable.  In  cases  where  inquiry  is  to  be  made  in  person,  S.  K.  &  S. 
can  supply  efficient  representatives  at  the  very  shortest  notice,  and  will  guarantee 
their  playing  any  part  that  is  assigned  to  them,  whether  it  be  a  LADY  CRoafs  living 
in  the  country,  i  r  :\  retired— to — Bayswater  commercial  millionnaire. 

Note.  The  principles,  or  want  of  them,  on  which  S.  K.  <k  S.  conduct  their  business 
will  not  allow  them  to  send  out  their  manufactures  upon  approbation.  All  articles 
are  warranted,  but  no  trial  is  allowed.  Parties  in  need  of  them  must  buy  out  and 
out.  Terms,  cash  down,  and  no  money  returned  on  no  pretence  sumever. 

Ohsene.  8.  K.  k  S.  l.ciug  determined  to  maintain  their  reputa'iou  for  supplying 
their  goods  genuine  as  made,  have  resolved  not  to  trust  to  any  Agents  for  supplying 
them.  Their  manufactures  are  therefore  net  ,to  be  distinguished  by  any  known 
trade-mark,  but  are  to  be  had  only  at  the  Manufactory,  Front  and  Back  Cellars, 
19,  Cadger's  Rents,  Whitcchapel.  N.B.  No  admittance  to  the  works  except  after 
nightfall.  Knock  three  times,  and  whistle  '  Kix  my  I- 

<Sf  Country  applications  must  be  accompanied  with  cash,  or  they  cannot  be 
attended  to.  No  cheques  taken,  and  bad  language  returned. 


PUNCH,    OR  TMK   LONDON   CITARIYAJIL^ 


[NOVEMBER  14,  1857. 


SOMETHING  LIKE  A  PANIC! 

Crossiug-Sweeper.  "  Tilings  leeps  werry  tiglU  in  the  City,  Jimmy  ? " 
CostermoDger.  "  Tight!  I  Vlieiie  yer,  they  jiit  does,  indeed  !  Why  there,  yon  has  my 
word  o'  Banner  ai  a  Genelnian,  I  haint  >o  much  as  toudied  a  lit  o'  Gold  this  Three  Weeks  1 
And  as  fur  yetting  of  one's  Paper  done,  why  them  ere  Banks  is  so  perticUer  now,  they 
won't  do  it  at  no  price  !  " 


EXTENSIVE  BOBBERY  OF  CORN. 

REALLY,  the  Court  of  Quarter  Sessions  is  not  a  fit  tri-  ' 
buual  to  entertain  such  a  case  as  that  which  is  thus  stated 
by  the  Sherlorne  Journal: — 

"  MARTHA  ALLEN  surrendered  on  bail  to  take  her  trial  on  a  charge 
of  stealiug  a  quantity  of  wheat  of  the  value  of  one  penny,  the  property 
of  JAMES  PHIWEN,  farmer,  of  Frome,  on  the  1st  of  August  last. " 

On  a  charge  so  grave  an(i  important  as  the  above  a 
culprit  ought,  manifestly,  to  be  arraigned  before  a  Judge 
at  the  Assizes— if  arraigned  at  all.  The  prisoner  was 
proved,  in  evidence,  to  have  been  nursing  some  children 
in  a  field,  and  one  of  these  little  robbers  plucked  several 
ears  of  corn,  and  gave  them  to  her.  All  a  set  of  rogues 
in  grain  together.  The  receiver  was  clearly  as  bad  as  the 
thief;  yet  why  was  not  the  thief  indicted  as  well  as  the 
receiver?  Perhaps,  because  any  jury  would  have  declared 
the  thief  innocent :  as  the  jury  before  whom  this  case  was 
tried  actually  did  declare  the  receiver  to  he.  MARTHA 
ALLEN  was  acquitted  of  the  penny,  orPhippeny,  accusation 
which  had  been  brought  against  her.  Her  case  might  have 
been  summarily  disposed  of,  but  she.  with  a  due  sense  of 
its  character,  refused  to  be  tried  by  the  Magistrates. 
Three  courses  were  then  open  to  those  gentlemen :  they 
might  have  committed  her  for  trial  at  the  Assizes,  they  might 
have  done  what  they  actually  did,  or  they  might  have  dis- 
missed the  case.  The  wonder  is  that  they  did  not  do  the  first 
of  these  things— the  last  was,  of  course,  out  of  the  question. 

MK.  PIIIPPEX  appears  to  have  been  compelled  to  bring 
MARTHA  ALLEN  to  what  he  fondly  hoped  would  be  justice 
by  the  fact  that  he  had  lost  several  pennyworths  of  wheat 
by  the  ravages  of  (small  depredators ;  sparrows,  probably, 
as  well  as  children.  Might  not  a  farmer,  by  a  new  statute 
for  that  case  made  and  provided,  be  empowered  to  employ 
old  men  and  boys  to  shoot  the  nursemaids  and  children  as 
well  as  the  sparrows,  that  come  to  prey  upon  his  corn? 

MAMHA  ALLEN— a  young  woman,  but  evidently  an  old  I 
hand — acted  wisely  enough  in  electing  not  to  have  her 
case  disposed  of  by  the  Great  Unpaid  of  /Aimmersetshire. 
As  they  did  not  dismiss  it,  perhaps,  had  they  adjudicated 
on  it,  MARTHA  ALLEN,  for  receiving,  at  the  hands  of  an  , 
infant,  unlawfully  plucked  wheat,  value  Id.,  would  now  be  i 
tripping  it  on  the  treadmill. 


JUVENAL  TO   CANNING. 

"  I.  NTTNC,  curre  per  Indos, 
Ut  Asinis  placeas,  et  Proclamatio  fias." 


A  LOYE  OF  A  DOG  LOST. 

REALLY,  people  set  their  affections  on  the  strangest  objects. 

We  do  not  use  this  latter  substantive  in  the  feminine  acceptance  of 
it,  as  meaning  "perfect  frights : "  in  which  sense  it  is  mostly  used  for 
human  application.  We  admit,  though,  that  our  strikingly  original 
expression  might  with  some  truth  be  received  as  including  human 
"  objects ; "  for,  CUPID  being  blind,  it  is  no  strange  thing  to  find  people 
make  the  queerest  "objects"  objects  of  affection.  But  the  reflection 
we  began  with  was  induced  by  a  perusal  of  the  following  advertise- 
ment, by  which  it  will  be  seen  that  an  objective  passion  can  be  kindled 
by  another  object  than  alhuman  one  : — 

DOG  LOST.— STRAYED,  on  Wednesday  last,   from  No.  11,  West- 
bourne  Villas,  Harrow  Road,  a  small  WHITE  POODLE.     He  has  a  paralytic 
Affection  which  occasions  him  to  throw  up  his  head  every  moment.     If  brought 
back  a  haudsome  REWARD  will  be  paid. 

If  we  lived  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Westbourne  Villas,  we  should 
certainly  consider  it  a  melancholy  duty  to  call  twice  a-day  at  least  at 
No.  11, 'for  the  purpose  of  inquiring  if  their  treasure  had  returned  to 
them.  As  it  is,  we  trust  they  will  accept  our  deepest  condolence  for 
their  irreparable  loss.  We  are  induced  to  use  this  adjective,  because 
we  fancy  that  a  dog  which  "  throws  his  head  up  every  moment "  is 
not  to  be  replaced  for  either  love  or  money.  Of  course,  throwing  up 
his  head  involves  its  coming  down  again :  so  that  this  extraordinary 
animal  performs,  in  fact,  twice  sixty  distinct  movements  of  the  cranium 
per  minute.  This  is  an  amount  of  head-work  such  as  no  dog  could  be 
trained  to,  and  indeed  it  puzzles  us  to  fancy  how  it  can  have  been 
accomplished.  Two  movements  per  moment  amount  to  nearly  con- 
stant action,  and  the  animal  that  made  them  may  be  almost  viewed  as 
the  exponent  of  perpetual  motion. 

We  are  naturally  unwilling  to  confess  a  want  of  taste,  but  we  own 

that  had  we  owned  such  a  pet  as  this,  we  should  have   carefully 

i  abstained  from  advertising  in  the  case  of  having  lost  him.    We  do  not 


think  a  paralytic  poodle  can  anyhow  be  looked  on  as  a  healthy  object 
of  affection,  and  if  we  happened  to  have  so  misplaced  our  own,  we 
should  have  accepted  our  bereavement  as  a  salutary  lesson.  However 
much  affection  we  might  have  felt  for  such  a  creature,  we  can  but  think 
his  constant  twitchiugs  would  have  fidgeted  us  somewhat,  and  that 
j  we  should  have  regarded  his  evaporation  as  a  happy  release.  Although 
the  reward  is  a  "  handsome  "  one,  we  cannot  well  believe  the  poodle  to 
have  been  so ;  and  we  regard  it  as  a  part  of  the  extravagance  of  the 
age  that  his  late  possessors  should  have  gone  to  the  expense  of  an 
advertisement  about  him.  It  seems  preposterous  to  fancy  he  .-was 
valued  as  an  ornament:  and  as  for  being  useful,  the  only  use  one 
could  have  put  him  to  would  have  been  as  a  performing  dog,  to 
execute  a  capital  accompaniment  to  the  popular  -street-tune  of  Bobbing 
Around. 

We  trust  we  shall  escape  being  thought,  unfeeling  in  our  comments, 
but  we  candidly  admit,  that  there  are  other  reasons  than  his  smallness 
for  which  we  think  that  this  "  small  poodle  "  can  be  viewed  as  no  great 
loss.  ] 

INFANCY  AND  RACES. 

AMONG  the  racing  intelligence  we  observe  mention  made  of  a  race 
at  Newmarket,  the  prize  contended  for  being  denominated  the 
"Nursery  Stakes."  The  horses  entered  for  these  stakes,  one  would 
think,'should  be  cock-horses,  and  the  jockeys  very  young  gentlemen. 
The  Nursery,  iu  connection  with  the  Turf,  is  suggestive  of  pleasing, 
but  perhaps  illusory,  ideas  of  innocence  _and  verdure.  We  should  like 
to  know  what  the  "Nursery  Stakes  consist  of.  Perhaps  they  are  com- 
prised in  a  little  driuking-cup,  bearing  the  inscription  of  A  I  resent 
from  Newmarket,"  or,  "  For  a  Good  Boy."  Such  a  little  cup  would 
be  a  suitable  reward  for  a  lesson  learned  in  the  "  Child's  First  Setting- 
Book,"  a  work  which  should  be  procured  by  all  trainers  who  wish  to 
train  up  their  children  in  the  way  best  calculated  to  develop  the 
stable  mind. 


NOVEMBER  14,  1857.] 


OR    THE   LONDON"    CIIAH1V 


205 


MR.    PUNCH    AT    THE    LAUNCH. 

!i.  I'IAI  i!  went  to  llie  (ircat 
Ship  Yard,  on  Tuesday,  the 
3rd  of  this  present  Novem- 
ber, but  not  with  the  slight- 
er tlie  vessel 

launched.  He  knew,  in  fact, 
that  the  experiment  would 
not  succeed  on  that  day.  He 
knew  it  from  having  read  on 
the  card  of  adiin 

"  Tho  Directors  have  uot  been 
nblo  to  determine  the  period  of 

Hun 

been  uinble  to  jirovide  refresh- 
incut  fur  visitors." 

The  want  of  logic  in  this 
announcement  made  it  clear 
V.  ranch's  mind  that 
something  would  go  wrong 
where  the  reasoning  power 
was  so  inadequately  put 
forth.  He  wept,  in  fact,  as 
he  got  into  one  of  the  dirty 
:iges  on  the  Black  wall 
K'lihvay.  Why,  he  mourn- 
fully said,  did  not  the  Di- 
rectors think  for  ;i  moment. 
Why  not  have  printed,— 

'Launch  when  we  can,  Lunch  at  130."  A  gloom  was  over  his  soul, 
and  it  was  in  keeping  with  the  dismal,  muggy  day  selected  for  pro- 
moting MR.  SCOTT  KISSELI/S  gigantic  Baby  from  its  cradle  to  the 
bed  of  Thames. 

He  reached  the  quarter,  termed  .by  the  Railway  officials,  Limos, 
without  any  accident  to  speak  of,  or  any  event  of  more  importance 
than  his  threatening  to  sive  into  custody  a  kind  of  marine  commercial 
sent  unless  lie  took  his  exceeding  muddy  boots  oil'  the  cushion  on 
which  a  lady  would  probably  take  her  place  at  the  next  station.  The 
snob  obeyed.  But  there  are  scores  ot  snobs  who  commit  the,  same 
oll'ence,  and  encounter  no  Mr,  Plinth.  This  little  act  of  chivalry  somewhat 
brought  up  his  spirits,  and  at  the  Limos  Station,  he  cheerfully  scram- 
bled to  the  top  of  an  omnibus,  in  company  with  thirty  or  forty  other 
gentlemen,  and  the  vehicle  went  off  at  a  rattling  pace  through  the 
narrow  lanes,  supposed  to  be  streets,  in  Limos.  A  new  line  of  passenger- 
traffic  seemed  to  be  open  for  the  occasion,  to  the  discontent  of  the 
aborigines,  who  scowled  at  the  omnibus  in  savage  dislike,  scarcely 
justified  by  the  driver's  evident  determination  to  run  over  some  of 
them,  if  he  could,  in  memory  of  the  Launch. 

For  about  a  mile,  between  Limos  and  Millwall,  and  up  to  the  very 
yard,  a  sort  of  fair  was  being  held,  where  was  congregated  a  great 
mass  of  ruffianism.  The  honest  artisans  of  the  neighbourhood,  of  whom 
there  are  thousands,  had  gone  with  laudable  curiosity  to  see  what 
they  could  of  the  great  experiment,  but  no  such  healthy  excitement 
liad  charms  for  the  scoundrelism  of  the  Isle  of  Dogs.  A  very  brutal 
assemblage  was  gathered,  and  it  yelled,  larked,  hooted,  gambled,  and 
emitted  foul  language,  and  uncle  some  of  the  spectators  consider 
whether  MH.  CHARLES  SELBY'S  bold  device  of  a  Press  Gang  for 
recruiting,  might  not  be  tried  with  advantage  at  such  re-unions. 
Their  material  might  be  used  up  in  the  coarser  work  of  war,  and  the 
educated  soldier  might  be  reserved  for  duties  worthy  of  him. 

The  mounted  Police  seemed  quite  aware  of  the  character  of  the  mob. 
and  rode  about  and  across  it  with  diligence,  and  passengers  received 
uo  woise  treatment  than  vile  tongues  can  bestow.  And  the  yard  was 
reached,  and  in  two  minutes  more  the  two  Greatest  Facts  of  modern 
time,  the  Eastern  and  Mi'.  I'mich  (he  gives  the  sex  thepdu)  might  be 
beheld  together.  The  cheers  with  which  the  latter  was  greeted  on  his 
entrance  were  only  less  flattering  than  the  welcoming  smiles  his 
appearance,  called  up  on  the  lovely  faces  of  the  ladies,  who  were 
perched  everywhere,  like  beautiful  birds,  on  the  rugged  timbers  and 
beams,  and  to  whom  circumstances,  viz.,  the  damp  and  muddy 
character  of  the  scene,  afforded  considerable  advantages  for  displaying 
the  piquant  red  petticoat,  and  the  exquisitely-fitting  military-heeled 
boot.  These  opportunities  were  not  entirely  lost  sight  of  by  his 
delightful  friends,  and  he  hereby  records  his  gratitude.  Also  he 
beheld  the  Siamese  Embassy,  smoking  very  complacently,  and  this 
reminded  him  to  do  the  same.  He  had  at  this  period  occasion  to 
observe  the  perfectly  helpless  air  with  which  the  majority  of  spectators 
regarded  the  launching  machinery,  and  to  note  the  insane  explanations 
which  others  were  giving  of  it.  Mr.  Punch's  amusement  in  this  respect 
was  largely  shared  by  some  of  MR.  RUSSELL'S  intelligent  workmen,  who 
grinned  grimly  at  the  amateur  engineers. 

But  the  time  approached  for  the  christening  of  the  Baby,  and 
Mr.  Punch,  invited  by  general  acclaim,  advanced  with  his  usual  pre- 


ternatural courtesy,  took  the  fair  hand  of  the  young  lady  who  was  to 
perform  the  baptismal  rite,  and  escorted  her  with  great  devotion  to 
the  platform  near  the  bow.  Her  graceful  yet  emphatic  dash  of  the 
flower-encircled  bottle  against  the  M  ssel  was  the  only  success  of  the 
day.  The  Great  Eastern  was  christened,  and  it  is  surely  a  fortunate 
omen  for  her  that  the  officiating  clergy-woman's  name  is  HOPE.  This 
would  be  a  good  place  for  a  1/itiu  quotation,  only  Mr.  Punch  doesn't 
happen  to  me.  He  has,  however,  set  a  young  friend  to 

•h  the  Delphiu  HOKMT.  for  every  x/ifs  and  spem  in  the  index,  and 
if  that  in.,  ^tiling  appropriate,  it.  shall  be  added  in  a  note. 

Is  noli  t  ions  but  a  Saturday  lii-ririrrr  :' 

U'ell,  there  is  ii<  ,•  re  to  be  said.    The  wonderful  machinery 

;>udit  into  play,  and  the  monster  suddenly  and  certainly  shifted 
the  spot  on  which  she  hud  reposed  for  four  years.  She  gave  a  grunt, 
and  got  a  littb  nearer  the  water.  The  moving  of  that  mountain  in- 
iy  wrought  disaster  to  which  light  reference  must  not  be  made. 
And  it  is  no  wonder— the  miracle  would  have  been  the  absence  of  casu- 
alty—that against  the  strain  of  that  awful  mass  some  of  the  machinery 
could  not  hold  its  own. 

\\ 'h ether  the  officials  are  right  in  blaming  workmen,  or  workmen 
were  justified  iu  what  they  did,  matters  not  much.  The  mighty 
brought  to  a  stand-still,  and  cannot  be  renewed 
for  three  weeks  to  come.  The  vessel,  though  christened,  hem 
to  renounce  the  Works  of  MR.  SCOTT  RITSSKLL.  She  will  be  taught 
her  duty  better,  Mr.  Punch  hopes  and  believes,  early  in  December. 
There  seems  no  cause  for  discouragement.  A  difficulty,  we  are 
informed  by  LORD  LYNDHUBST,  means  a  thing  to  be  overcome,  and 
MR.  BRTJNEL  agrees  with  his  Lordship. 

Soon  after  it  had  been  announced  that  there  would  be  no  .more 
launching,  and  while  a  small  gentleman  in  a  state  of  excitement  was 
ridjuring  the  police  to  clear  the  premises,  and  abusing  them 
as  sticks'  dressed  up  as  policemen,  because  they  took  the  process 
rather  easy,  Mr. Punch  happened  to  discover  that  he  was  wet  through. 
U'ith  his  usual  prompt  intelligence  he  decided  that  it  must  be  raining 
and  this  he  speedily  perceived  was  the  case.  Therefore,  having  helped 
a  good  many  red  petticoats  to  jump  off  wet  beams,  and  having  been 
rewarded  with  a  good  many  charming  smiles,  Mr.  Punch  threw  his 
fine  form  into  a  Hansom  cab,  and  returned  to  his  native  metropolis, 
singing, 

BRUNEL  is  a  Brick,  and  SCOTT  RUSSELL  's  a  Beau, 
And  their  ship  is  the  grandest  that  ever  was  seen, 
And  shall  still  have  the  aid  and  protection  of  Punch, 
Though  to-day  he  saw  neither  a  Launch  nor  a  Lunch. 


A  Knowing  Beggar. 


A  BEGGAR  posted  himself  at  the  door  of  the  Chancery  Court,  and 
kept  saying:  "A  penny  please,  Sir!  Only  one  penny,  Sir,  before  you 
go  in !  "  ''  And  why,  my  man  ?  "  inquired  an  old  country  gentleman  ; 
'  Because,  Sir,  the  chances  are,  you  will  not  have  one  when  you  come 
out,"  was  the  beggar's  reply. 


206 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  14,  1857. 


Youth.  "  HERE  's  A  NUISANCE,  NOW  I  BI.OWED  IF  I  AIN'T  LEFT  MY  CIGAK-CASE  ON 
MY  DRESSING-ROOM  TABLE,  AND  THAT  YOUNG  BROTHER  OP  MINE  WILL  BE  SMOKING 

ALL   MY   BEST  liEQALIAS   !  " 


AN   INVASION  OF  PRIVILEGES. 

AT  a  Court  of  Common  Council,  held  last  Friday,  there 
was  strange  language  used,  which  astonished  us  rather, 
though  we  were  perfectly  aware  that  Common  Councilmen 
were  speaking.  Amongst  other  elegancies,  one  gentleman 
advised  another  "to  wash  his  dirty  linen  at  home,"  where- 
upon MK.  LAW  LEY,  protesting,  said  that :  — 

"  In  such  a  place  he  should  think  gentlemen  might  use  respectful 
language,  although  he  knew  how  difficult  it  was  for  some  animals  to 
leave  their  dirt  at  home.  (C'tiifc-'tion.)  " 

Al  'i.  LAWLEY'S  notion  of  "respectful  language,"  judged 
by  the  language  he  makes  use  of  himself,  seems  to  be 
drawn  from  somewhat  impure  sources.  We  think  the 
Waterman  on  the  cabstand  of  the  Haymarket,  even  late, 
at  night,  would  have  reproved  a  "  cabby,"  if  he  had  indulged 
in  such  an  elegant  retort  as  the  above.  No  wonder  that 
the  LORD  MAYOR  rose  to  order, — though  whether  he 
ordered  eau-de-Cologne,  or  lime,  or  burnt  feathers,  or  rose- 
water,  or  whitewash,  or  what  peculiar  deodorising  mixture, 

!  the  report  omits  to  state.  However,  the  beauty  of  the 
satire  has  yet  to  come. 

The  very  next  piece  of  business  of  the  Common  Council 
turns  on  Billingsgate  Market,  and  an  orator  jumps  on  his 

i  legs,  to  move : — 

"That  it  be  referred  to  the  Market  Committee,  to  examine  into 
the  rights  of  the  Corporation  to  let  standings  at  Billingsgate  Market, 

&.U.,  i'C." 

Oh  !  yes,  a  perfect  right,  we  should  say,  not  only  a  right 
to  "let  standings,"  but  thoroughly  qualified,  as  tested  by 
the  above  specimens  of  oratory,  to  hold  standings  likewise. 
But  few  fishfags,  we  should  think,  would  like  to  enter  into 
verbal  competition  with  Common  Councilmen. 
However,  the  close  partnership  between  Billingsgate  and 

••  bad  language,  in  the  above  report,  amuses  us  amazingly 
from  the  force  of  old  association,  living,  as  we  do,  in  a  hard 
prosaic  age,  when  so  very  few  associations  are  left  to  us. 
Even  now,  a  friend  assures  us,  that  you  might  go  into 
Billingsgate  Market  for  an  entire  month,  and  your  ears 

i  would  not  be  assailed  with  a  personality  half  so  offensive 

I  as  MR.  LAWLEY'S. 

If  so,  the  Market  and  the  Common  Council  had  better 
change  places. 


ANOTHER    ILLUSION    GONE! 


IT  seems  that  there  are  to  be  juvenile  crossing-sweepers  dotted  all  i 
over  London,  on  the  same  plan  as  the  Shoe-Black  Brigade.  Now,  we 
always  thought  that  a  good  crossing  was  a  most  valuable  property. 
To  our  ignorant  minds,  twelve  yards  of  mud,  in  a  populous  thoiougii- 
i'arc,  fetched  full  as  much  money  as  a  share  in  the  New  River  Company. 
AV  e  implicitly  believed  that  a  crossing  was  handed  down  from  father 
to  son,  and  was  reverenced  by  grateful  generations  as  a  heir-loom  that 
nothing  but  a  personal  calamity,  such  as  an  involuntary  trip  to  Botany 
Bay,  or  a  fit  of  apoplexy  from  over -feeding,  ever  forced  the  happy 
owner  to  part  with !  What  becomes  of  all  the  marvellous  stories 
about  crossing-sweepers  upbraiding  their  wives  for  having  neglected 
to  bring  them  a  lemon  with  their  breast  of  veal,  and  of  daughters 
having  incurred  their  father's  wrath  for  putting  jugged  hare  before 
them  on  the  door-step  without  the  usual  accompaniment  of  currant- 
jelly  ?  We  always  looked  with  reverential  eyes  on  a  crossing-sweeper, 
as  a  superior  being,  who  was  lined  with  venison  and  bank-notes,  and 
had  his  family  pew,  and  sent  his  sons  to  college,  and  engaged  MADAME 
PLEYEL  to  teach  his  daughters  the  piano.  It  was  only  necessary  for 
him,  we  fondly  imagined,  to  go  into  the  City  at  any  time  to  alter  the 
rate^of  Discount. 

We  pictured  him  at  home,  in  a  magnificent  velvet  dressing-gown, 
sitting  by  the  side  of  a  comfortable  fire,  with  his  pine-apple  before  him, 
and  a  Turkish  pipe  coiled  like  an  American  sea-serpent  about  his 
eet.    The  room,  in  which  he  lolled  his  ambrosial  evenings  away 
breathed— so  we  drew  the  gorgeous  vision— a  Hyde-Park-Gardens  air 
oi  luxury  and  the  damask  D'Oyleys  had,  to  our  mental  nostrils,  the 
perfume  of  choice  wines.    Did  we  not  hear  of  his  bequeathing  stu- 
pendous legacies  to  friendless  old  gentlemen,  who  occasional^  had 
uronped  a  stray  penny  into  his  huge  Midas-gifted  palm,  which,  'like  a 
scoop,  was  busy  in  taking  up  money,  all  day  long?    And  do 
all  these  glorious  fictions  topple  down,  like  so  many  others,  into  the 
mud,  and  betray  to  us  the  sad  truth  that  the  crossings  of  London  are 
uo  more    paved  with  gold  "  than  any  other  part  of  the  dirty  metro- 
It  would  seem  that  a  crossing  is  not  sold,  like  a  milk-walk,  or 
copper-mine,  or  a  gold-field,  but  is  to  be  had,  as  Delhi  was,  merelv 


!  for  the  taking.  Like  any  other  path  through  life,  the  only  value  of  it 
depends  upon  the  industry  you  devote  to  it.  Well,  if  these  disillusions 
continue  much  longer,  the  time  will  come  when  we  shall  begin  to 
doubt  whether  sailors  fry  watches,  and  eat  sandwiches  of  fives,  tens, 
and  fifties ;  and,  growing  gradually  credulous  of  the  wildest  improba- 
bilities, we  shall  actually  learn  to  put  faith  in  the  existence  of  a 
Policeman ! 


BIGOTRY,  INTOLERANCE,  AND  FIREWORKS. 

^WE  have  great  pleasure  in  announcing  that  the  observance  of  the 
Fifth  of  November  was  very  general,  and  very  signal  this  year.  No 
less  than  5,000  persons  were  employed  in  letting  off  fireworks  on 
Tower-Hill.  At  Hammersmith— a  place  which  is  greatly  infested  with 
Roman  aliens — numerous  GUYS  were  paraded;  among  them  there  was 
a  living  reality  on  horseback ;  a  gentleman  who  had  got  himself  up  in 
a  style  combining  FAWKES  with  FALSTAFF.  These  displays  of  popular 
bigotry  and  intolerance  are  greatly  to  be  commended;  and  thcy 
are  very  seasonable  just  now,  when  Popery  is  trying  to  enslave  the 
Continent,  and  genteel  Puseyites  at  home  are  slyly  doing  its 
work  wherever  they  can ,  as,  for  instance,  in  a  certain  Review. 

As  saints,  and  thorough-going  adherents  to  Exeter  Hall,  we  rejoice 
in  the  demonstration  which  was  made  on  Thursday  last  against  the 
subjects  of  a  foreign  power,  who  are  plotting,  and  scheming,  and 
intriguing,  and  chanting  through  the  nose,  in  the  view  of  setting  up 
their  Italian  Empire  in  HER  MAJESTY'S  dominions.  May  the  British 
Public  continue  to  burn  the  PorF;  annually  in  effigy,  so  long  as  there 
exists  a  British  gander  capable  of  allowing  his  goose  to  frequent  the 
confessional !  Squibs  and  crackers  are  not  arguments  exactly,  but  they 
are  very  good  answers  to  dogmatic  lies.  They  cannot  hurt  the  feelings 
of  our  Catholic  fellow-subjects,  because  we  have  no  such  fellows. 
What  fellowship  is  (here  between  the  subjects  of  the  QUEEN  or 
—  and  those  of  the  POPE  OF  ROME  ? 


Tin-,  SNOB'S  DEFINITION  or  THE  SATISFACTION  OF  A  GENTLEMAN. 
— Self-satisfaction. 


Print**  lij  WUllan 
Fruiter*,  at  1 
Loidra.-SiT 


Putters*.  In  the  County  of  MlddleMi , 
Frjlih  o!  St  Bride,  In  the  Giqr  of 


NOVEMBER  21,  1857.] 


PUXCII,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


207 


A    NEW    FORCE    IN    THE    ARMY. 


WE  arc  at,  liberty  to  announce  the  contemplated  formation  of  a  new  | 
regiment  of  infantry.  It  is  to  be  composed,  on  a  principle  lOggested 
by  tin;  organization  of  the  Russian  army,  of  the  grimmest  and  ugliest 
fellows  that  can  possibly  be  found  ;  and  "  Wanted  a  number  of  fright- 
fully ill-looking  Young  Men"  will  be  the  headingof  the  advertisenn  n' 
of  the  recruit  ing  sergeant.  The  idea  of  this  corps  has  been  borrowed 
from  the  Hu^Kiu  service,  for  an  object  indicated  by  the  Chinese:  in 
order  that  \ve  may  more  effectually  carry  on  the  war  in  China  by 
lighting  our  Celestial  enemies  to  a  certain  extent  with  their  own 
weapons.  It  is  hoped  th:if,  our  ugly  soldiers  will  the  more  speedily 
put  their  Chinese  antagonists  to  flight  by  the  repulsiveness  of  their 
looks;  an'),  to  further  that  end,  their  drill  will  partly  consist  in  in- 
struction in  making  faces  ;  in  which  they  will  be  tutored  by  a  Clown 
Sergeant ;  and  they  will  be  daily  practised  in  horse-collar  exercise. 


But  the  principal  feature  of  this  regiment,  which  is  expectedjto  be 
more  terrible  in  effect  than  all  the  monstrous  noses  and  horrid  squints 
which  will  render  it  formidable,  will  be  the  I5and.  This  will  be 
composed  entirely  of  foreign  musicians;  namely,  of  the  Italian 
organ-grinders,  who  infest  our  streets,  and  lacerate  the  nerves 
nf  our  countrymen  whilst  they  might  be  employed  in  routing  our 
enemies. 

The  dreadful  noises  which  they  make  in  playing  Keemo  Kinio  and  the 
like  airs,  which,  instead  of  being  "airs  from  heaven,"  may  be  said  to 
be  musically,  "  blasts  from — "  another  place,  are  obviously  calculated 
so  to  terrify  ignorant  barbarians  as,  immediately  on  being  heard,  to  set 
them  running  away  wit li  the  utmost  possible  expedition.  This  regi- 
ment, of  which  no  troops  whatever  will  probably  be  able  to  stand  the 
onset,  will  be  called  The  Stunners. 


,£|rHTA   PEN!!V>- 

k    * .,-.'/  u: 


EGLINTON  TO  THE  RESCUE  ! 

WK  have  much  pleasure  in  extracting  from  the  celebrated  Morning 
Journal  which  especially  devotes  itself  to  the  publication  of  fashionable 
intelligence,  the  following  announcement : — 

••  Lor.n  i:  :tivniN-  AXU  FIKAKCIAL  C«ni9  iv  SCOTLAND.— The  EART.  OF  EOI.TNTOX 
announces  that  ho  will  take  payment  »f  the  rents  on  his  estates  due  at  this  term  in 
deposit  receipts  of  the  Western,  or  in  the  notes  of  any  Scotch  lank." 

The  name  of  F.OUNTOX  was  already  celebrated  in  connection  with  a  I 
modern  tournament ;  but  the   bearer  of  it,   will  now  have  earni 
reputation  for  serious  chivalry.    To  rush  to  the  rescue,  to  dash  into  | 
the  midst  of  a  fray,  and,  regardless  of  personal  safety,  to  rally  a  retreat- 
ing host,  and  arrest  a  panic,  is  just  that  particular  kind  of  exploit  the 
performance  of  which  is  characteristic  of  a  true  Knight.    It  was  also 
customary  for  knightly  heroes  to  scatter  largess  among  their  followers, 
occasionally,  when  they  happened  to  have  a  little  money  about  them. 
Their   followers    very  often  consisted  of  the   rabble,  and  the  money 
which  they  caused  a  parcel  of  knaves  to  scramble  for  was  generally 
thrown  away.      But  the  largess  which  the  EARL  OF  EOUXTON  has 
virtually  bestowed  on  his  tenants,  will  doubtless  be  the  means  of  saving 
from  ignoble  insolvency,  and  preserving   from  capture  and  durance 
vile,  a  goodly  multitude  of  true  lieges ;  right  worshipful  citizens  and 
burghers  and  stout  yeomen. 


THE  IRISH  SEPOY. 

OUK  execrable  contemporary,  the  Irish  National  Sepoy,  ravesrin  the 
following  terms  :  — 

"No  one  nnw  denies  that  Enylnnd  hat  received  hfr  mortal  wmutul — that  however 
long  or  sh"rt  she  m:iy  lintft-r,  her  days  are  numbered.    A  unanimous  feeling  i 


to  be  taking  possession  of  the  public  mind,  that  England,  in  a  sorer  strait  than  she 
was  in  '82,  will  ere  long  be  glad  to  act  ns  she  did  then,  if  we  ourselves  will  only  use 
f.<t',-  opportunity  as  ourfatftt r.<  did  ,'/ 

The  National  Sepoy  should  not  say  too  much  about  opportunities. 
Language  apparently  meant  to  excite  rebellion  may  afford  a  certain 
opportunity.  That  opportunity  juay  be  taken ;  and  then,  some  fine 
morning,  about  eight  o'clock,  we  may  see  the  Irish  National  Sepoy 
suspended.  The  National  Sepoy  is'allowed  plenty  of  rope,  and  he  is  at 
least  putting  it  about  his  neck.  A  trap-door  may,  in  a  very  short  time, 
fall  down  beneath  the  soles  of  his  boots,  unless,  before  its  descent,  he 
shall  have  kicked  his  boots  off,  in  order  to  falsify  the  predictions  of  his 
friendly  monitors.  He  may  be  sure  that  any  attempt  to  create  another 
Sepoy  mutiny  will  be  crushed  in  the  bud  without  ceremony ;  and  that 
if  he  does  not  even  now  meet  with  a  more  ignoble  punishment  than 
t  hat  which  Punch  recommends  to  be  inflicted  on  him,  the  reason  is, 
that  in  the  opinion  of  HKH  MAJESTY'S  Government,  and  the  British 
Public,  as  well  as  that  of  Punch,  it  is  sufficient  to  annihilate  him  by 
blowing  him  away  from  a  popgun. 


2t!8 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  21,  1857. 


PHYSIC    FOR    THE    FAIR. 

AMONG  the  various  cures  through 
which  relief  is  promised,  by  adver- 
tisements, to  suffering  humanity, 
may  now  be  enumerated  the  ' '  Move- 
ment Cure."  Not  knowing  t  lie  na- 
ture of  this  remedy,  we  cannot  say 
whether  it  is  a  novelty  or  a  method 
of  treatment  known  ior  a  consider- 
able time.  Dancing,  if  it  has  been 
successfully  prescribed  and  prac- 
tised in  cases  of  bite  by  the  Taran- 
tula spider,  was  a  species  of  Move- 
ment Cure;  and  it  may  lie  sup- 
posed to  form  an  element  in  the 
system  advertised  under  that  name. 
Accordingly,  the  position  of  the 
dancing-master  will  be  greatly  ele- 
vated, so,  indeed  as  to  become  quite 
a  fiist  position,  for  he  will  heuce- 
forth  take  his  place  as  a  professor 
of  the  toe-and-healing  art.  Balls 
will  be  given  instead  of  boluses, 
and  polkas  and  waltzes  will  be  pre- 
scribed, to  be  danced  at  bed-time, 
and  repeated  every  few  minutes,  to 
the  great  delight  of  interesting  inva- 
lids :  though  as  a  movement  cure, 
the  dancing  would  be  more  effectual 
if  taken  in  the  morning  and  during 
the  day. 

The  Movement  Cure  would  also 
greatly  benefit  many  delicate  young 
ladies,  if  they  resorted  to  it  by 
walking  several  miles  daily  at  a 
good  brisk  pace  in  the  open  air. 
This  is  a  well-known  cuie  for  the 
effects  of  champagne,  and  cheaper 
beverages,  imbibed  in  excessive 
quantity  over-night :  but  as  the  complaint  is  chiefly  confined  to  the 
grosser  sex,  so  is  the  use  of  the  remedy.  The  skipping-rope  may  afford 
one  means  of  adopting  the  Movement  Cure ;  and  that  noble  animal  the 
horse  may  furnish  another  to  beautiful  beings  who  would  be  so  much 
more  beautifid  because  so  much  more  healthy  than  they  are,  if  they 
would  but  put  themselves  under  the  Movement  Cure  by  taking  plenty 
of  exercise.  Not  only  would  the  Movement  Cure  of  walking  remove 
numerous  headaches  and  most  of  the  similar  complaints  to  which 
young  ladies  are  subject ;  but  it  would  also  put  an  end  to  a  complaint, 
not  medical,  with  which  they  are  assailed.  In  order  to  take  proper 
walking  exercise,  it  would  be  necessary  for  them  to  wear  clothes  which 
they  could  freely  step  out  in,  and  which  they  would  not  be  obliged  to 
keep  holding  up  with  both  hands  out  of  the  mud. 


that  this  might  have  arisen  from  her  master's  being  intoxicated,  but 
also  from  her  mistress  having  put  the  chain  up. 

The  worthy  Magistrate,  with  evident  disgust,  asked  the  prisoner 
whether  he  would  be  sent  for  trial,  or  summarily  punished. 

The  prisoner  said,  that  if  it  was  all  the  same  to  the  Magistrate,  he 
should  like  to  say  a  few  words,  and  he  made  a  statement  which  not 
only  completely  met  the  allegations  of  the  prosecutrix,  but  excited  the 
liveliest  sympathy  from  every  one,  except  the  females,  iu  court.  He 
said  that  he  had  been  a  good  husband  to  the  complainant,  had  allowed 
her  plenty  of  money,  and  never  inquired  where  it  went  to,  and  that  he 
had  frequently,  after  taking  off  his  coots  on  a  wet  night,  put  them  on 
again,  and  gone  out  to  buy  her  some  delicacy  for  her  supper.  That 
she  had  behaved  herself  well  unt  il  in  an  evil  hour  he  had  permitted 
the  witness  Tigertail  to  reside  in  the  house,  since  when  all  had  gone 
wrong.  He  could  never  get  his  breakfast  punctually,  though,  having 
a  situation  it  was  important  to  him  to  be  to  his  time  in  the  city.  He 
had  (and  here  the  prisoner  shed  tears)  had  cold  meat  for  dinner  three 
times  in  one  week,  though  the  complainant  and  her  mother  had  always 
a  hot  lunch.  He  had  not,  he  said,  a  button  on  his  shirt,  and  here  the 
poor  fellow  turned  up  his  sleeves,  and  the  condition  of  his  wristbands 
caused  a  sensation  among  the  spectators.  When  he  had  remonstrated 
he  had  been  abused  by  the  witness  Tigertail,  who  had  asked  him 
whether  he  fancied  he  had  married  a  needlewoman,  and  had  flung  into 
his  face  her  deceased  husband,  an  officer  in  the  Excise.  (Sensation.) 
He  admitted  that  on  the  occasion  in  question,  after  a  long  series  of 
snubbing  and  privation,  he  had  so  far  forgotten  himself  as  to  say  he 
would  be  hanged  if  he  would  take  the  complainant  and  her  mother  to 
a  Little  Bethel  at  Clapham,  instead  of  keeping  his  promise  to  spend  an 
hour  or  two  with  an  old  schoolfellow.  As  for  being  intoxicated,  the 
Magistrate  might,  as  a  married  man,  know  that  a  woman  always  threw 
that  charge  into  her  complaints,  as  an  honest  baker  adds  the  lump  of 
bread  that  makes  up  the  quartern.  He  had  been  sober  enough  to  take 
the  cabman's  number,  aud  begged  to  charge  him  with  extortion  and 
insolence. 

The  witness  Tigertail,  who  had  been  very  violent  during  portions  of 
the  prisoner's  statement,  here  flung  a  corpulent  old  umbrella  at  him. 
The  complainant  offered  no  further  evidence  beyond  hysterics. 

MR.  Pracii  said  that  this  was  a  case  which  showed  the  advantage 
of  hearing  both  sides,  a  plan  which  he  had  always  adopted.  The 
charge  was  dismissed,  and  the  accused  might,  if  he  pleased,  place  his 
wife  in  the  dock.  This  the  latter  declined,  but  manifested  no  disin- 
clination to  see  his  mother-in-law  there.  Ultimately  after  a  feeling 
remonstrance  with  Mrs.  Veal,  and!  a  severe  lecture  to  the  witness 
Tigertail,  the  Magistrate  sent  the  cabman  to  prison,  and  recommended 
Mr.  Veal  to  forgive  his  wife  this  time  on  her  promising  to  amend,  aud 
giving  Mrs.  Tigertail  notice  to  quit.  The  parties  then  left  the  court. 


MR.  PUNCH'S  POLICE. 

BRUTAL  TREATMENT  OF  A  HUSBAND.— Yesterday,  after  the  other 
charges  had  been  disposed  of,  a  rather  mild-looking,  well-dressed  man, 
named  Mosei  Joseph  J'eal,  aged  about  40,  was  placed  in  the  dock, 
charged  by  his  wife  with  having  stayed  at  his  club  until  two  in  the 
morning,  and  having  then  come  home  in  a  cab,  and  a  state  of  obfus- 
cation.  The  charge  was  heard  by  all  present,  including  numerous 
females,  with  a  shudder,  and  the  prisoner,  who  seemed  desirous  to 
speak,  was  indignantly  ordered  by  the  worthy  Magistrate  to  hold  his 
tongue. 

i  rot  Veal,  wife  of  the  prisoner,  deposed  that  they  had  been 

married  several  years,  during  which  time  he  had  treated  her  tolerably 

well  until  of  late,  when  he  had  taken  to  use  very  strong  language  in 

s<  nee,  had  frequently  absented  himself  from  the  house  at  the 

'iour,  had  comnaittea  outrages  upon  her  relatives,  and  had  re- 

fustd  her  the  necessaries  of  life.    She  had  borne  all  this  with  patience, 

but  on  the  preceding  uight  he  had  committed  the  offence  with  which 

he  was  charged. 

Judith  Tigertail,  mother  of  the  witness.  C9rroborated  the  daughter's 
evidence  m  every  respect,  except  in  declaring  that  the  latter  had  not 
told  halt  the  wickedness  of  the  prisoner. 

James  Diddle,  driver  of  cab  198,276,  gave  evidence  of  havin<* 
brought  the  prisoner  from  the  Taraxicum  Club  to  Somers  Town,  and 
was  convinced  that  he  was  drunk,  inasmuch  as  he  had  disputed  the 

nut  of  the  fare. 

Rosa  Johnson,  servant  in  the  family  deposed  to  having  opened  the 
loor  to  her  master,  who  was  unable  to  come  in  with  his  lateh- 
•c> .  in  reply  to  a  question  from  the  Magistrate  the  witness  said, 


THERMOPYLAE  AND  CAWNPORE. 

TJIE  glory  of  LEONIDAS 

Eternal  will  and  should  remain, 
Mrith  his  small  band  who  held  the  Pass, 

When  those  three  hundred  men,  were  slain. 
England  has  sons  as  good  as  he, 

As  hard  a  brunt  as  well  who  bore  ; 
Old  Sparta  kept  Thermopylae : 

Old  England  longer  held  Cawnpore. 

And  Lucknow  was  relieved  and  won, 

Against  an  overwhelming  mass, 
And  HAVELOCK,  conquering  chief,  has  done 

Yet  better  than  LEONIDAS. 
How  Lacedaemon  nobly  failed, 

Will  History  never  cease  to  tell : 
How  England,  in  like  strait,  prevailed, 

And  Britons  tiiumphed  as  they  fell. 


The  Spread  of  the  Fashion. 

A  Scene  at  a  German  Fair  Bazaar. 

Fashionable  Infant  (rejecting  contumeliouabj  a  Qua/i-erisA-lookinff 
Pot/pee).  "  No,  Mamma,  1  won't  have  that  doll— I  want  one  that  has 
got  lots  of  Crinoline ! " 


A  NOTION   OF   TALKERS. 

i  IT  seems  that  the  French  language  has  5,000  more  words  than  the 
English.  Upon  this  fact  being  mentioned  to  a  lady,  she  said :  "  Well, 
1  'm  sure  they  must  want  them  all,  for  tke  French  talk  ever  so  much 
more  than  we  do." 

THE  REAL  "RELIEVING  OFFICER."— SIR  HENRY  HAVELOCK. 


NOVKMBER   21,    1857.] 


PUACII,    OR  THE   LONDON    (  HAKIVARI. 


EVENING    IMIYMKS.— BY   A    .MAX   OF    h'KBLING. 


:  tin-  [,•  il'innc  in  I  lie  streets 
About  the  hour  of  six  01 
The  Bti  up,  anil  -avoun 

Coin-  .  illi  the  rich  ragout  •' 

What  nasal  bliss  to  me  afford 
The  odour:,  from  I  hut.  kitchen  stored 
With  com.  e  nnd  rare 

As  n  hare! 

The  home)) 

And  there  the  richer  vernaioell  : 
While  '-door  1  iiii 

The  sweett  si.  perfumes  of  ox  -tail. 


Soon  of  fried  soli;  a  sniff  I  pet, 
And  turbot  make?  me  happier  yet  : 
While  the  red  mullet  down  the  street 
Renders  my  ecstacy 


Such  f  ]  ieh 

icel  tor  tli  rids; 

No  nectar-fume  could  rival  that— 
Kare  odorous  essence  of  grccu  fa!  ! 


'Tis  useful  too  by  frequent  smell: 
To  note  the  fare  in  friendly  dwell 

h  a  savourless  fiiinnf  — 
I  would  uot  care  to  dine  wil  I 

At  neighbour  WIHTK'S  a  smell  of  pick!.-; 
With  souring  twinge  my  nostril  tickles; 
Cold  meat   1  love  nul  :   therefore   I/",'. 
To  be  when  asked  by  them. 

Nor  do  1  envy  neighbour  J» 
His  devil!  i!  chops  and  grilled  bones  : 
The  sniffs  I  eat  eh  on  hid  me  hurry,  — 
Bad  meat  is  often  cooked  with  currv. 


i !  my  bump  of  friendship  '- 
liuowx,  who  loveth  sucking  pig ! 
'is  a  fragrance  so  divi 
I  die  to  enter  in  and  dine  !    i 

Hi -ie  lovingly  boiled  fowl  I  sniff. 

Or  of  slew  il  oysters  eate'i  a  whiff; 
And  I  here  at,  once  my  practised  u 
Tells  me  to  pot  the  oaE 

I  smell  ii  iroose  at  'Number  Ten, 

\m\  feel  the  happiest  of  me 

Uilti'  .us  grouse  ) 

Bid  me  on  goose  reflect  uo  more. 

In  sh1  nd, 

New  fiairr.-ir  ie  befriend  : 

m   ni.>   irral  memory  n 
With  rapture  on  those  e.wiiiiiv  81 


THE    PANIC    AND    ITS    CONSEQUENCES. 

VATEI.Y,   (he    City    is    he- 
ns  gradually    itself    B 
Thetightn 

with  which  it  was  attacked, 
has  been  relieved  by  the  remedy 
which  DOCTOH  I'AM  preserib-d 
for  it.  The  ct  the  cur- 

rency is  retu'ii  in'  to  its  chan- 
nels, and  the  banks  are  in  no 
danger  of  breaking  trith  the  pres- 
sure. Respirat  ion  for  a  while  had 
V'TV  nearly  ceased.  Men  feared 
almoM  to  breatlie,  for  there  was. 
such  infection  in  the  air  that 
a  breath  might  have  d< 
them.  But,  the  crisis  once  pnst, 
signs  of  health  are  quickly  re- 
turning. PHYSICIAN  PAM'S  pre- 
scription has  been  followed  by 
a"l  la,  ha!  cured  in  an  instant !" 
nof  of  how  much  easier 
things  are  daily  petting,  it  is 
enough  to  say  a  Scotchman  yes- 
terday was  seen  to  take  a  ride 
upon  a  penny  omnibus. 

Eighty-five,  Fleet  Street,  being 
in  the  City,  Mr.  Punch  of  course 
was  much  affected  by  the  panic. 
With  his  usual  noble  heroism  he  held  himself  in  readiness  to  play  the 
part  of  CUKTICS,  and  plunge  into  the  gulf  as  soon  as  it  was  asked  of 
him  and  he  was  shown  its  whereabouts.  Besides  doing  this,  he  sacri- 
ficed his  pocket  on  the  altar  of  his  country,  by  expending  a  considerable 
portion  of  his  capital  in  collecting  fullest  details  of  the  progress  of  the 
panic,  and  getting  all  the  earliest  and  latest  of  intelligence.  This  he 
sent  by  special  Tobygrams  half-hourly  to  the  Treasury,  and  thus 
apprised  the  State-Physician  of  the  symptoms  of  the  case.  It  was  in 
this  way  that  the  crisis  was  perceived,  and  was  prescribed  for.  Bank- 
ruptcy impended,  like  the  Sword  of  DAMOCLES.  All  England  was,  in 
fact,  just  going  through  ths  Court.  A  deas  ex  machine  was  of  course  in 
requisition ;  and  the  demand  was  of  course  supplied  by  Mr.  Punch. 

And  now,  the  country  beinn  saved,  Mr.  Punch  serenely  contemplates 
the  fact  of  its  rescue,  and  with  untiring  energy  applies  himself  unrest- 
ingly  to  a  new  Herculean  labour  for  it.  Sparing  no  expense  in  cabs, 
Mr.  Punch  has  gathered  some  statistics  of  the  consequences  of  the 
crash,  and  as  cautions  to  posterity,  he  now  proceeds  to  print  them : — 

The  Editor  of  one  of  the  pro-Sepoy  penny  papers,  was  in  such  con- 
sternation at  the  tightness  of  his  money-market,  that  he  exclusively 
confined  himself  to  monetary  "leaders,"  and  abstained  for  a  whole 
week  from  abusing  that  wretch  HAVKI.OCK. 

Me.  FLIMSY  and  Co.,  the  great  North  Country  house,  had  been  pre- 
paring to  smash  for  upwards  of  a  twelvemonth  •  and  now,  it  is  believed, 
will  attribute  their  misfortune  entirely  to  the  Panic,  and  no  doubt  will 
be  rewarded  with  a  first-class  certi; 

The  wife  of  a  respectable  and  highly  cautious  stockbroker  was  BO 
alarmed  by  what  she  heard  her  husband  say  about  the  "  low  state  of 
the  bank  resources"  and  the  "drain  of  gold  from  the  establishment," 
that  she  made  haste  to  realise  the  notes  she  had  for  housekeeping,  and 
in  her  hurry  purchased  more  things  for  her  wardrobe  than  the  larder. 


MB.  LAUK::II  was   80    "c.ngiiz.'d    in    the  City"    while   the  money 

preMtie  lasted,  that  lie  never  oiirc  reached    home  until  loivr  p;isl  mid 

and  then  was  so  much  overcome,  that  he  could  not  take  his 

A  "pions"  maid-of-all-work,  holding  a  situation  in  a  serious  family, 
being  confidentially  informed  by  the  baker's  boy  that  his  master  said 
as  hern  were  gitting  in  it  ni''ss  and  worn't  to  have  no  credit,  aeted  on 
the  hint  that  very  afternoon,  and  decamped  with  her  piety  and  half-a- 
dozen  teaspoons. 

A  constant,  rid-,  ahl-  New  Saloon  Omnibuses  -.vis  so 

|  distracted  by  the  panic  from  hisu.ual  intelligence,  that  he  .juu.iu-,: 
I  one  of  the  French  Company's  Menageries,  and  did  not  find  out  until 
afterwards  how  he  had  been  bumped  and  battered. 

No  less   than  nineteen  i1  '.tlemen  made  excuses  to  their 

'  tailors,  on  the  ground  that  money  was  so  tight  they  had  really  no  1 
cash  for  tin 

•rman  at  a   M.it'ii1:  of   an  Agricultural   Society  was 'so 
•: fleeted   by  the  sight,  of   the  new   sovereigns  he  wax   awarding  'to  j 
Prize  Labourers,  that  he  immediately  wrote  off  a  letter  to  thr  Timet,  i 
declaring  that  there  need  be  no  fears  of  distress  among  the  working  | 
classes,  for  the  peasantry  he  knew  had  hoards  of  gold  which  they, 
when  out  of  work,  could  well  fall  back  upon. 

A  Bejgravian  footman  who  had  been  "inwesting"  some  spare 
"puckwisits"  in  the  Three  per  Cents,  was  so  overjoyed  at  the  sus- 
pcn*ion  of  the  Bank  Act,  and  the  consequent  advance 'of  Government 
Securities,  that  he  actually  returned  a  civil  answer  to  a  lady  who  called 
to  apply  for  a  governess's  place. 

At  least  ten  dozen  stingy  husbands  who  had  promised  to  escort  their 
wives  and  families  to  .IULLIEN'S,  took  advantage  of  the  Panic  for  the 
postponement  of  their  visit. 

Mu.  TIPPLER  found  his  nerves  so  shattered  by  the  influence  of  the 
Panic,  that  he  was  forced  to  take  more  than  ordinary  measun  s  of 
relief,  and  lie  therefore  took  three  extra  half-pints  daily  to  fortify  his 
confidence  that  things  were  all  serene  with  him. 

One  of  the  most  eminent,  of  the  Hebrew  bill-discounters  had  worked 
himself  one  day  to  such  a  pitch  of  excitement  that  he  swallowed  three 
pork-sausages  for  supper  without  discovering  his  error. 

Another  bill-discounter,  of  strictly  Christian  tenets,  was  thrown  in 
such  a  state  of  mind  by  finding  that  some  "paper"  he  had  been 
''doing  "  had  in  fact,  been  doing  him,  that  to  compose  himself  for  rest 
he  was  prescribed  the  strongest  anodyne,  and  even  Ms.  SMITH'S  Poems 
failed  to  set  him  nodding. 

Mil.  BROWN'S  wife's  mother,  chancing  to  be  staying  with  them,  took 
',  occasion  of  the  Panic  to  read  a  lecture  on  economy  to  Mil.  B.  at, 
dinner-time,   in  answer  to  his  grumbling  at    "that    blanked    cold 
mutton ! " 

These  are  some  of  the  effects  of  the'  late  monetary  crisis ;  and  the 
nation  may  determine  if  they  are  not  of  a  monitory  nature. 


GOOD  NEWS  FROM  OXFORD. 

\V  i.  were  much  gratified  by  the  perusal  of  the  following  announce- 
ment in  the  Guardian : — 

'*  DR.  Pi'SKT. — Ouv  readers  v ill  be  glad  to  hear  that  DR.  PUSKY  has  returned  to 
Curistcburch  considerably  benefited  by  his  residence  at  Malvem." 

What  has  been  the  matter  with  the  celebrated  leader  of  the  Trac- 
tarians,  our  contemporary  and  Guardian  does  not  state.  We  apprehend 
it  to  have  been  a  sort  of  ague  or  malaria  which,  as  Da.  HOOPER  informs 
the  medical  student,  "  attacks  people  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Rome." 


210 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER    21,    1857. 


MORE     NOVELTY. 

TnE'MissES  WEASEL  THINK  CRINOLINE  A  PREPOSTEROUS  AND  EXTRAVAGANT  INVENTION,  AND  APPEAR  AT  MES.  ROUNDABOUT'S 

PARTY  IN  A  SIMPLE  AND  ELEGANT  ATTIEE. 


MRS.  FANNY  PEEK  ON  THE  AMERICAN  CRISIS. 

ELL,  I  never  !  No  ! 
Snakes  and  bracelets, 
darned  (as  stockings  are 
darned,  you  know)  if  I 
ever  did.  MOSES  and 
AARON  !  So  it 's  us 
—us,  women,  ladies, 
us,  the  delicious  little 
blue-eyed  tremblers,  at 
whose  tiny  tootsicums 
you've  been  kneeling 
ibr  nobody  never  knows 
how  long — it 's  us  who 
have  been  and  done  it, 
and  got  you  all  into 
debt,  and  stopped  your 
banks,  and  made  your 
bills  good  for  nothing 
but  to  light  the  beastly 
cigars  you  've  got  on  tick,  am  t  that  the  word  ?  By  Diana  and  the  mischievous 
urchin  Dan  Cupid,  that  is  what  you've  concluded  to  come  to.  is  it?  And  you 
call  yourselves  men  !  If  I  could  blush,  I  'd  blush  for  vou,  but  I  calculate  it 
wouldn't  do  you  more  good  than  emptying  my  teapot  into  the  almighty  Niagara. 

And  what  have  we,  poor  timid  slaves,  been  doing,  if  it  please  my  lords  and 
masters  of  the  Creation  to  certify.  Let  us  hear  our  crimes,  anyhow.  What  ? 
Buying  too  many  robes,  and  spending  too  much  in  jewellery,  and  perfumes,  and 
soap,  and  gloves,  and  flowers,  and  slippers  for  our  dear  little  trotters.  Those  are 
the  things  that  you  are  not  ashamed  to  throw  into  our  faces.  Grant  me  patience 
gracious  Jupiter,  while  I  write  such  matters  down.  Why,  a  right  minded  mani 
not  to  say  American,  would  down  upon  his  marrow-bones  to  his  wife,  and  humbly 
A  ?  i.  r  navinS  at  all  events  got  some  pleasure  out  of  his  money  while  it  lasted. 
And  she,  if  she  was  a  dear,  warm,  kind,  affectionate,  sweet,  good,  darling  little  rib 
(as  we  all  are  till  you  make  us  more  t'other),  would  say  to  him,  shaking  her  lovely 


curls  over  his  face,  'SAM,'  or  'BILL,'  or  '  ALCIBIADES,'  as 
the  case  might  be,  '  1  forgive  you,'— and  I  don't  know— 
I  say  I  don't  know,  but  if  he  looked  very  penitent  indeed, 
and  was  a  handsome  fellow — I  don't  know,  but  she  might 
just — there,  it 's  out — give  him  a  kiss.  Ah,  and  a  good  one 
too  — not  one  of  the  touches  that  wouldn't  make  a  dew- 
drop  absquotulate  from  a  rose-leaf,  but  one  as  if  she  meaut 
it.  But  the  notion  of  a  husband  charging  his  ruin  upon 
one  of  those  angels,  who  in  the  disguise  of  wires,  float 
about  your  homes,  and  fill  the  air  with  essence  of  Paradise 
— well,  there  ! 

"  In  course  its  all  our  doing  too.  No  little  trifle  of  ex- 
travagance on  your  side  the  table.  Nothing  about  poker, 
or  any  other  little  game.  Nothing  about  racing  or  bets 
on  horses  to  be  sent  over  to  England,  to  have  their  hearts 
broken  by  the  cheating  of  JOHN  BULL'S  jockeys,  or  to  be 
poisoned  by  dukes  and  marquises  for  fear  the  Stars  and 
the  Stripes  should  bang  the  old  country  on  its  own  turf. 
No  oysters  and  portwine,  and  such  like,  monkeying  the 
aristocrats  of  Britain.  No  chests  of  cigars  _  as  big  as 
umbrellas.  No  Gumticklers,  and  Neck-twisters,  and 
Brandysmashes,  and  Bullsmilk,  and  Tonguescrapers ;  nor 
any  other  of  your  nasty  excuses  for  liquoring  when  you  're 
ashamed  to  call  out,  like  free  citizens  of  the  noblest  empire 
in  the  world,  for  what  ypu  really  mean.  No  opera-boxes 
that  ain't  always  filled  with  your  own  wives,  but  are  some- 
times sent  as  presents  to  somebody  else's — same  remark 
as  to  shawls  and  trinkets,  my  masters.  Oh,  no !  nothing 
of  all  this.  Ask  about  these  things  and  the  lords  of  creation 
are  as  mute  as  a  dead  nigger  in  a  coal-hole.  But  there 's 
something  in  all  this,  girls,  notwithstanding,  I  swear  it  by 
the  memory  of  ST.  WASHINGTON. 

"  But  come,  girls,  up  and  be  doing !  If  we  've  done  the 
mischief,  (and  my  lords  say  so,  and  therefore,  of  course  it 
must  be  so)  we  must  repair  it.  We  '11  have  a  good  time. 


PUNCH.  OR:THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI NOVEMBER  21,  issr. 


THE    AMERICAN    CRISIS. 


MK.  BULL  (TO  ins  EXTRAVAGANT  CHILD).  "  THE   FACT  IS,  JONATHAN,  BOTH  YOU  AND  YOUR'  WIFE  HAVE 

BEEN  LIVING  TOO  FAST." 


NOVEMBER  21,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


213 


They've  shown  thai,  they  ain't  up  to  the  pace  required  in  these  go-a- 
head days,  so  now  we'll  try  our  luck.  Let  them  he  oil'  ID  > 

MI  anybody  they  like.  We  conclude  to  take  the  business  in 
hand.  Yea,  Sirer.  \\  e'll  begin  by  making  one  big  bonlire  in  Broad- 
way  of  all  their  books  and  bills  and  botheration,  and  the'  gallant  firemen 
of  New  York  (far  nobler  fellows,  as  l>  have,  said  elsewhere,  linn  any 
of  the  haughtj  aristociacy  nf  England,  or  the  Upper  'Pen  either)  shall 
sec  that  we  ,  ie  City  alirc.  Then  we  11  take  business  into 

our  own  keeping,  and  whip  me  for  a  fool  if  '•  ill  everything 

ain't  sliek  and  slivery.  No  more  loaning,  and  discounts,  and  protests 
(except  about  our  beauty,  eh,  girls?)  and  all  that,  bletherumskite, 
as  the  poor  Iri.-h  exiled  patriots  prettilj  call  ii.  V>  V  will  have  the 
almighty  dollar  naked  in  all  its  silver  loveliness,  and  he  shall  be 
wrapped  up  in  no  paper  of  any  kind.  That's  our  IMMS,  our  Decla- 
ration of  Independence,  and  we  'II  fight  any  number  of  liuiiker's  Hills 
upon  it.  Hail,  Columbia,  happy  land,  the  fjajs  have  took  your  cause 
in  hand.  What  do  you  say  to  that,  my  Cat  s '; 

"  FANNY  FEBN." 


HINT  TO  TEE  ANTI-DIVORCE  LEAGUE. 

LL  the  Puseyite  Clergy,  and 
their  allies,  roused  into  fresh 
wrath  by  the  announcement 
that  MH.  JUSTICE  CRESS- 
WELL  is  to  be  the  grand  arbi- 
ter in  Matrimonial  Disputes, 
have  got  up  a  sort  of  memo- 
rial protest  against  the  new 
Divorce  Act.  Their  docu- 
ment reads  like  a  sneering 
joke,  and  will  be  received  as 
such  a  joke  should  be.  Their 
point  is,  that  the  Act  of 
Uniformity  (usually  one  of 
the  grievances  of  the  Church- 
above-State  party)  ordains 
that  a  clergyman  shall  pro- 
chum  his  approbation  of  the 
marriage  service,  which,  ac- 
cording to  these  interpreters, 
declares  marriage  indisso- 
luble under  any  circum- 
stances. It  is  not  worth 
while  arguing  with  such 
gentlemen,  and  indeed,  as 
was  said  about  GIBBON'S 
irreverences,  "who  can  re- 
fute a  sneer  ?  " — but  as  the 
Divorce  Act  is,  happily,  law,  and  is  not  going  to  be  altered  to  please 
certain  priests,  whose  professional  whims  have  already  been  largely 
considered,  suppose  they  go  on  doing  what  they  have  been  doing  for 
years  past,  namely,  altering  the  Marriage  Service.  Mr.  Punch  has 
given  awav  about  a  hundred  brides,  and  has  wept  among  a  thousand 
bridesmaids  and  never  once  heard  that  remarkable  service  read  through- 
out, every  parson  exercising  his  own  discretion,  and  mutilating  accord- 
ing to  his  own  notions  of  decorum,  tediousness,  or  modern  planners. 
The  remedy  is  evidently  in  the  hands  of  the  Puseyites,  and  it  is  a  little 
unworthy  of  them  to  affect  respect  for  Acts  of  Parliament. 


CANNING  PERE  ON  CANNING  FILS. 

So  great  a  stress  has  been  laid  by  LORD  PALMEBSTON,  EARL  GRAN- 
VILLE,  and  others,  as  to  LORD  CANNING  and  SIR  COLIN  CAM ritKi.i. 
being  the  best  of  friends,  that  we  are  reminded  of  the  celebrated  line 
in  The  Racers — a  production  written  by  a  very  near  relative  of  the 
GOVERNOR-GENERAL  OK  INDIA, viz:— "A sudden  thought  strikes  me. 
Let  us  swear  eternal  friendship."  We  have  no  doubt,  after  the  very 
strong  assurances  that  have  been  publicly  made,  that  LOBD  CANNING, 
the  moment,  he  saw  SIR  COLIN,  delivered,  with  due  theatrical  emphasis, 
the  above  noble  sentiment,  and  then,  retreating  a  few  steps,  and  baling 
their  manly  breasts,  they  rushed  into  each  others'  arms.  You  may  be 
sure  that  'on  LORD  CA'NNING'S  side,  "  the  wish  was  father  to  the 
thought."  The  "  eternal  friendship  "  has  already  lasted  three  weeks ! 
and  why,  pray,  shouldn't  it  last  three  weeks  longer  ? 


TIIK  UNIVERSAL  ALPHABET.— It  has  only  three  letters,  but  they 
are  understood  all  over  the  world;  viz.  "  L.  S.  D." 


MERCY  FOR  NANA  SAH 1 1«. 

BY    A   HUMANITARIAN. 
Tunr. — "Guy  Pauka." 

FinsT  catch  your  NANA  SAIHII  ;  then,  though  you  may  speak  your 

mind  to  him, 

<  )h  !  pray  do  not  harsh  language  use,  or  be  at  all  unkind  to  him. 
Point  out  how  nau<riil  y  'twas  of  him  with  cruelty  to  slaughter 
The  mother  and  her  little  boy,  and  helpless  infant  daughter: 

Mut  then1  stop. 
Don't  doom  your  brother  NASA  SAM  IB  to  the  drop. 

Reprove  him  in  a  gentle  \yay,  and  don't  severely  scold  him, 
And  if  he  weeps  wii  h  penitence,  iu  soft  embraces  fold  him  ; 
Say  all  you  can  to  comfort  him,  hhould  he  remorse  exhibit ; 
But  be  not  so  haul-hearted  as  to  swing  him  on  a  gibbet. 
No ;  there  stop,  &c. 

Say  nothing  calculated  to  distress,  or  pain,  or  frighten  him  ; 
Sing  DOCTOR  "U "ATTS'S  hjinn  to  him,  in  order  to  enlighten  him, 
And  teach  him  that  according  to  the  principles  of  charity, 
llis.little  hands  were  never  made  to  perpetrate  bafua.-ity. 
And  there  stop,  \.c. 

Obdurate  should  he  show  himself,  and  of  rebuke  a  scorner, 
As  it  is  possible  he  may ;  then  put  him  in  a  corner : 
Till  he  .sir-ill  suj  that  he'll  be  good,  and  promise  reformation, 
Keep  MASIKU  NASA  SAHIB  in  that  weary  situation  : 
But  there  stop,  &c. 

If  for  an  inconvenient  time,  he  stand  there,  contumacious, 
Confine  him  to  a  lonely  room,  but  one  that 's  light  and  spacious ; 
And  threaten,  merely  threaten,  though  you  prove  a  story-teller, 
'Moug  toads  and  frogs  and  beetles,  that  you  '11  put  him  in  a  cellar : 
But  there  stop,  &c. 

I  lis  spirit  should  these  measures  fail,  as  fail  they  may,  of  breaking, 
Lay  hands  upon  his  shoulders  then,  and  give  him  a  good  shaking; 
If  in  his  course  of  obstinacy  still  you  cannot  stop  him, 
Then  say,  but  only  say,  mind,  that  you  '11  take  him  up  and  pop  him. 
But  there  stop,  &c. 

All  these  means  of  correcting  him  in  vaia  when  you  've  gone  through 

with  him, 
Then  let  him  go,  and  tell  him  you  '11  have  nothing  more  to  do  with 

him; 

But  leave  him  to  the  Bad  Man,  and  let  Bogy  fly  away  with  him, 
And  take  him  to  a  wicked  place,  where  nobody  will  play  with  him  : 
But  there  stop,  &c. 

Though  NANA  SAHIB  may  have  done  some  deeds  of  slight  atrocity  ; 
In  fact,  though  he  has  far  surpassed  a  tiger  in  ferocity  • 
Oh,  never  hang  him  like  a  dog— for  hanging  him  would  hurt  him 
But  preach  to  him,  and  leave  him,  if  unable  to  convert  him. 

And  there  stop. 
Send  not  Cawnpore's  gory  butcher  to  the  drop. 


FOR   QUEEN    ISABELLA.— "  The   pleasure    that    we    love 
physics  (S)pain." 


ANOTHER  STOPPAGE. 

WE  regret  to  have  to  announce  the  sudden  stoppage  of  one  of  the 
largest  firms  at  Poplar.  We  allude  to  the  Leviathan  steam-ship,  that 
was  obliged  to  bring  its  operations  to  a  stand-still  on  the  third  of  this 
month.  A  run  was  expected  on  the  banks  of  the  Thames,  but  this 
calamity,  by  resorting  to  measures  of  the  most  vigorous  nature,  was 
fortunately  averted.  The  fix  of  the  Leviathan,  we  are  informed  by 
persons  possessed  of  means  almost  as  extensive  as  the  ship  itself,  is 
only  a  temporary  one.  The  moment  the  "pressure  "  begins  to  relax, 
there  is  but  little  doubt  that  she  will  get  off  her  difficulties,  and  go  on 
most  swimmingly.  In  fact,  business  is  announced  to  be  resumed  at  the 
beginning  of  next  moutii,  when  every  effort  is  to  be  made  to  ease  her 
present  position.  It  is  confidently  asserted  that  all  expectations,  as 
soon  as  the  ship  commences  "  paying  out,"  will  be  honourably  liqui- 
dated in  full.  It  has  a  large  floating  capital  at  command,  if  it  could 
only  get  at  it.  The  most  Stirling  energy  will  be  brought  to  bear 
upon  it  in  order  to  surmount  this  passing  difficulty. 


A  CORK  SAYING.— You  may  take  your  health  to  the  whiskey-shop 
once  too  often,  until  it  gets  broken. 


ADVICE.— To  a  fool,  Advice  is  like  an  Almanack — it  goes  in  at  one 
ear,  and  flies  out  at  the  other. 


214 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBBR   21,    1857. 


" VANDEKDECKEN,  BY  JOVE ! " 


DOES    THE    BANK    DO    BILLS  ? 

THE  Times  having  announced  that  notwithstanding  the  financial 
crisis  the  Bank  of  England  refused  no  good  bills  tendered  in  good 
faith,  our  young  friend,  MR.  LARKINGTON  BEAN,  of  the  Temple  (some- 
what incited  by  the  appeals  of  his  laundress  and  the  menaces  9f  his 
tailor)  made  his  way  into  the  City  yesterday  morning,  and,  arriving  at 
the  I'.ank,  demanded  an  interview  with  the  Governor.  The  porter  was 
at  first  inclined  to  give  our  young  friend  into  custody  for  profane  chaff, 
but  finding  that  he  was  serious  and  very  persevering  (having  screwed 
himself  up  with  some  pale  ale)  the  official  pointed  out  the  Governor  as 
lie  happened  to  cross  one  of  the  courts.  MR.  BEAN  immediately 
introduced  himself. 

Mr.  Bean.  I  say,  Governor. 

The  Governor  (very  muck  disgusted  and  haughtily).  Some— mistake— 
er — porter— 

Mr.  Sean.  No  porter  so  early  in  the  day,  Governor,  thank  you.  I 
want  to  have  half  a  talk  with  you. 

The  Gov.  Quite  impossible,  Sir.    (Tries  to  pass  ox.) 

Mr  Bean.  Not  at  all  impossible,  my  dear  old  fellow,  but  very 
probable,  and  highly  likely.  My  name  is  BEAN. 

The  Gov.  Neither  officially  nor  privately,  Sir,  has  that  fact,  or  rather 
statement,  the  slightest  interest  for  me. 

.Mr.  Bean.  Talking  of  interest,  Governor,  just  brings  us  to  the  point. 

™  veJ>een  and  raised  the  rate  again,  I  see.    Ten  per  cent,  eh  ? 

1/ie  Gov.  .Really,  Sir,  I  have  neither  time  nor  inclination  to  discuss 
that  tome  or  any  other.  You  are  taking  a  strange  liberty. 

Mr.  Bean.  Pardon  me:  pardon  me.  Governor.    That  sort  of  thin" 
won  t  do  at  any  price.    You  are  an  official,  created  for  the  benefit  of 
society.    I  m  a  member  of  society,  and  when  I  ask  you  a  civil  question 
1  have  a  right  to  be  answered. 

The  Goa  (amused).  Granting  that  I  were  disposed  to  answer  a 
question,  bir,  1.  have  heard  none.  Your  conduct,  certainlv  is  verv 
questionable. 

Mr.  Bean.  Neat  enough,  Governor,  and  now  we  come  to  business 
.The  question  is,  will  you  be  good  enough  to  give  me  a  cheque  for  this 

The  Gov.  0 !  Ah !   You  are  the  clerk  of  one  of  my  tradesmen.  When 

he  w?UI    a  l>5°Per  person  to  ask  for  his  account  in  a  ProPer  manner, 

Mr  Bean  (in  his  turn  very  much  disgusted).  I  a  clerk,  Sir !   la  snob 

collect  a  tradesman's  debt,  Sir !    I  am  a  gentleman,  eating  my 

i  the  Temple,  and  in  all  probability  shall  one  day  be  a  Member 

rliament,  and  overhaul  your  Bank  Charter,  Sir. 


The  Gov.  When  that  time  arrives,  Sir,  if  I  am  spared,  we  will  re- 
commence our  conversation  at  the  point  at  which  we  now  drop  it. 
Good  day,  Sir. 

Mr.  Bean.  At  that  time,  Sir,  I  shall  ask  you  whether  it  is  consistent 
with  your  notions  of  mercantile  propriety  to  publish  an  advertisement 
inviting  gentlemen  into  the  city  to  do  business,  and  then  treating  them 
with  rudeness. 

The  Gov.  Are  you  out  of  your  senses,  young  gentleman  ? 

Mr. Bean  (hacing  recovered  his  excellent  temper).  Not  a  bit,  Governor. 

The  Times,  which  of  course  represents  the  moneyed  interest,  announces 

that  you  do  all  good  bills,  if  the  people  who  bring  them  really  want 

the  mopuses,  and  are  not  trying  to  make  a  pot  against  a  rainy  day. 

Now,  here  is  a  capital  bill,  fifty  at  three  months,  three  safe  names  on 

the  back,  and  I  want  the  money  awfully.    So,  having  complied  with 

all  your  requisitions,  just  come  in  and  write  us  a  cheque,  unless  you 

happen  to  have  the  tin  inypur  pocket. 

Ihe  Gov.    (smiling).    Without    endeavouring  to  disentangle  your 

meaning,  MR.  BROWN 

Mr.  Bean.  BEAN,  Sir.    Think  of  a  brick. 

The  Goo.  I  am  entirely  at  a  loss  to  understand  the  object  of  that  last 
suggestion;  but  to  dispose  of  your  application  at  once,  I  will  just 
mention  that  the  dealings  of  the  Bank  ot  England  are  with  commercial 
bills,  and  will  wish  you,  MR.  BRICK,  a  good  day. 

Mr.  Bean.  BEAN,  Sir.  And  you  are  so  hasty,  Governor.  I  thought 
city  men  piqued  themselves  on  their  caution.  This  is  a  purely  com- 
mercial bill.  I  want  every  shilling  to  pay  tradespeople,  and  specially 
a  tailor,  a  wine-merchant,  and  an  oyster-monger ;  and  though  I  must 
give  a  pound  or  two  to  my  laundress,  her  husband  keeps  a  sausage  and 
cat's-meat  shop,  so  that  amount  of  currency  will  flow  in  a  commercial 
channel,  too.  Now  will  you  hand  over  the  money  ? 

The  Gov.  You  don't  understand  what  you  are  talking  about,  Sir,  and 
I  cannot  waste  my  time  in  explaining.  Pray  go  away. 

Mr.  Bean.  But,  Governor,  I  am  bound  to  say  that  this  is  a  very 
rotten  and  fishy  way  of  administeting  the  national  cash.  I  don't  want 
to  make  offensive  allusions  to  SIR  JOHN  PAUL  and  MR.  REDPATH,  but 
really  to  be  told  to  come  for  money,  and  then  to  find  all  sorts  of  shady 
excuses  thrown  into  one's  face,  is  rather  a  bit  of  everlasting  humbug- 
which  one  would  not  expect  from  a  British  merchant. 

The  Gov.  I  am  not  a  British  merchant,  Sir,  so  the  remark  is  per- 
fectly inoffensive. 

Mr.  Bean.  Now,  I  consider  that  you  are,  Governor,  and  that  you  are 
trying  to  sell  me.  Come,  give  us  the  money. 

The  Gov.  I  trust,  Sir,  _  that  when  you  are  at  the  bar,  you  will  be  as 
pertinacious,  but  more  discriminating,  or  your  unfortunate  clients  will 
regret  having  instructed  you. 

Mr  Bean.  Sorry  to  hear  you  descending  to  abuse,  Governor,  because 
it  shows  you  haven't  a  leg  to  stand  on.  What  nonsense  you  talk  about 
my  affair  not  being  commercial !  If  I  didn't  deal  with  tradesmen,  they 
wouldn't  want  to  give  orders  to  manufacturers,  and  if  I  paid  'em,  they 
wouldn't  want  money  from  you.  So  that  I  am  at  once  encouraging 
commerce,'  and  promoting  the  interest  of  your  Bank,  and  yet  you 
bogfile  over  a  fifty  pound  bill. 

The  Gov.  My  dear  Sir,  every  one  to  his  trade.  Do  you  go  on  giving 
orders  to  tradesmen,  and  not  paying  them,  and  we,  here,  will  do  our 
best  to  accommodate  them  with  the  means  of  executing  the  commands 
with  which  you  favour  them. 

Mr.  Bean.  That  is  the  most  immoral  doctrine  I  ever  heard  from  an 
elderly  gentleman  in  a  white  choker. 

The  Gov.  What  appear  the  immoralities  of  commerce  are  not  incom- 
patible with  social  prosperity. 

Mr.  Bean.  Horrid  principles !    Besides,  Governor,  the  thing  is  im- 
possible.   I  can't  get  any  more  credit. 
The  Gov.  In  that  case,  Sir,  you  must  revert  to  cash  payments. 
Mr.  Bean.  But  I  have  got  no  cash. 
The  Gov.  In  that  case,  Sir,  you  must  suspend  operations. 
Mr.  Bean.  But  I  can't  suspend  eating  and  drinking,  and  wearing 
clothes. 

The  Gov.  I  regret  your  inability  to  comply  with  the  dictates  of 
mercantile  honour,  Sir,  and  must  decline  further  intercourse  with  a 
person  so  unfortunately  situated.  \_Ejfects  his  retreat. 

Mr.  Bean.  But  stop,  Governor.  Hoy !  I  say  ! 
[But  as  the  GOVERNOR  does  not  stop,  MB.  BEAN  reflects  for  a  few 
moments,  and  thinks  he  will  call  on  the  "  Times,"  and  apprise 
the  conductors  that  they  are  misinformed  by  their  City  Corres- 
pondent as  to  the  proceedings  of  the  Bank.  On  second  'thoughts, 
he  goes  into  BIRCH'S,  and  has  some  tnrlle-soi/p  and  punch. 


Extravagance. 

CLEOPATRA  was  the  first  to  fling  away  jewels  in  the  piggish  manner, 
condemned  by  the  proverb.  She  was  in  the  habit  of  throwing  pearls 
to  ANTONY'S  (s)wine. 

A  REMARKABLY  QUICK  PASSAGE.— Put  a  Lawyer  on  your  horse, 
and  he  '11  soon  drive  you  to  the  Devil. 


NOVKMBEB  21, 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


215 


THE    DEMONS    OF    PIMLICO. 


KDWIS  ('.«'   t 


Edtcin  (eo  'Vhcre  the  bright  fountain,  sparkling,  never 

'iij.li  of  liquid  music 

"  Wa-  tor—  cn>ec(  —  scs  !  " 

I'.'lirin.  Where  plashing  on  the  marble  floor  it  tinkles 
IH  silver  cadence, 

Mule  11,-ninn.  rriwinkles  !  " 

the  sad  Oread  oft.  retires  to  weep 
Inns;  lost  love,  her  nnforsiving 
/:;,/<•(•  Jh'Mon.  "  Sweep  !  " 

I'.ilirin.  And  tears  that  comfort  not  must  ever  flow 
At  thought,  of  every  joy  departed, 
Dean,.  .itiuf.  "  Clo  !  " 

•  linger,  stretched  beneath  the  trees, 
•>ir  fantastic 
Italian  Demon.  "  Imagees  !  " 

\nd  weave  long  grasses  into  lovers'  knots, 
i  he  spell  had  power  to  silence 

"  Pots  !  " 

i'ciit.  What  varied  dreams  the  vagrant  fancy  hatches, 
A  playful  Lcda  with  her  Jove-bom 

"Matches!" 

Kdirin.  She  opes  her  treasure-cells,  like  Portia's  caskets, 
And  bids  me  choose  her 

Demon  iri/li  (  'art.  "  Baskets,  any  baskets  !  " 

i».  Spangles  the  air  with  thousand-coloured  silks, 
tloat  like  clouds  in  dying  sunset 

Old  Demon.  "Whilks!" 

E'licin.  (  iarments  of  which  the  fairies  might  make  habits, 
"When  Obnron  holds  his  court  and 

Lame  lie,  "  Ostend  rabbits  !  " 

Edfiii.  \  isicms  like  those  tlie  Interpreter,  of  BUNYAN'S, 
Displayed  to  Mri-rii  and  young  Matthew 

Demon  with,  a  Stick.  "  Onions  !  " 

K</icin.  And  prompted  glowing  utterances,  to  their's  kin 
Who  saner,  when  Karth  was  younger, 

Dirty  Demon.  "Hareskin!  hareskin! 

Edwin.  In  thoughts  so  bright  the  aching  sense  they  blind, 
In  their  own  lustrous  languor 

Demon  wit;;  Wheel.  "  Knives  to  grind  !  " 

Edwin.  Tliouah  gone,  the  Deities  that  long  ago 
Haunted  Arcadia's  perfumed  meads 
Grim  Demon.  "  Dust-Ho  !  " 

'ii.  Though,  from  her  radiant  bow  no  Iris  settles, 
Like  some  bright  butterfly  to 

thy  Demon.  "  Mend  your  kettles  !  " 

'.  Though  sad  and  silent  is  the  ancient  seat, 
Where  the  (  (lyinpians  raised  their  proud 
Demon  with  Skewers.  "  Cat's  me-e-et  !  " 

Kilifia.  There  is  a  spell  that  none  can  chase  away, 
(•'mm  scenes  once  visited  by 
Demon  with  Organ.  "  Poor  Dog  Tray." 

K'hrin.  There  is  a  charm  whose  power  must  ever  blend 
Tiie  past  and  present  in  its 

•at  tci/k  H/'.i/ies.  "  Chairs  to  mend  ! 


K'liriii.  And  still  unbanished  falters  on  the  ear, 
The  Dryad's  voice  of  music 

Demon  with  <  'it,/.  "  Any  Beer  !  " 

/;''h"in.  Still  Pan  and  Syrinx  wander  through  the  groves, 
Still  Zephyr  murmurs 

S/i<'-  /lemon.  "  Shavings  for  your  stoves  !  " 

''//.  The  spot,  god-visited,  is  sacred  ground, 
And  Echo  answers 

Second  Demon  with  Organ.  "  Bobbing  all  around." 

F.ilwin.  Ay,  and  for  ever,  while  this  planet  rolls, 
To  its  sphere  music 

]  lemon  Kith  Fish.     "Mackerel  or  Soles  !  " 

tin.  While  crushed  Enceladus  in  torment  groans 
Beneath  his  Etna,  shrieking 

Little  Demon.  "  Stones,  hearthstones  !  " 

Edwin.  While  laves  the  tideless  sea  the  glittering  strand 
Of  Grecia 

><-(l  Demon  with  Organ.  "  <),  'fix  hard  to  oire  the  hand" 

/•:</  triii.  While,  as  the  cygnet  nobly  walks  the  water, 
So  moves  on  Earth  the  fair 

Fourth  Demon  Kith  Organ.  "  llttcaleher's  Dotty  ht 


in.  And  the  Acropolis  reveals  to  man 

fifth  Demon  tcith  Organ.  "  .Vy  Mary  Anne." 

So  long  the  I'rescnce,  yes,  the  Meat  Divina 
•:ce  inspired  both 

•n  trith  Organ.  "  Villikim  and  Dinah." 
Miall  breathe  o'er  ever}'  land  wheresoe'er  the  eye  shoots, 
Or  ocean  plays 

*»  Demon,  J  „  ^  Ocef(urg  h  Preitehlti:  ,, 

(Enwi.v  Goes  Mad.} 


WHAT  IS  A  TUBMAN? 

T  TIIK  sitting  of  the  Court  of  Exchequer 
on  Monday  week,  it  is  reported  that — 

"  At  :he  Mtt'nK  of  the  Court  to-day,  3ln. 
OI;LK  was  called  upon  to  take  his  Mat 

M  'iutad  to  that  ancient 
nourablo  office,  vacafo-1  by  the  -  : 
uf  .Mit.  LfsH  to  thc-'iigiiity  of  Queen's  Counael." 

We  are  curious  to  know  what  a  Tub- 
man  is?  Will  Mil.  Jons  TIMBS,  in  his 
next  edition  of  Things  not  Generally 
Known,  kindly  inform  us?  It  is  so 
far  satisfactory  to  know  that  it  is  an 
"honourable"  office;  but  in  what, 
pray,  does  the  honour  consist  ?  My- 
thology  acq\utints  us  that  the  residence 
of  Truth  was  at  the  bottom  of  a  well. 
Our  legal  reports  now  give  us  the 
information  that  Honour  resides,  like 
a  second  DIOGENES,  inside  a  tub. 
Wliat  does  the  Exchequer  want  with  a  tub  more  than  any  other 
Court?  Is  it  to  carry  away  the  fees?  The  Court  that  of  all 
i  thers  needed  the  assistance,  we  should  say,  of  a  tub,  would  h:ivc 
mt;  and,  for  what  we  know,  the  duties  of  this 
very  Tubman  may  consist  in  lending  a  hand  occasionally  in  bailing 
•  ut  the  di:i  ors.  A  cab-stand  has  its  waterman,  and 

why  should  not  a  Court  of  Law  have  its  Tubman  ?  In  our  ignorance 
of  his  "  ancient  and  honourable  functions,"  it  may  come  within  the 
sphere  of  this  Tubman  to  hand  "  refreshers  "  to  the  various  Counsels 
nnd,  speaking  at  random,  it  is  probable  that,  for  convenience  sake,  he 
keeps  all  his  Tubs  in  the  Rolls'  Court?  You  may  be  sure  that  it  is 
some  meaningless  and  lucrative  office,  that,  in  sense  and  decency, 
ought  to  be  abolished.  We  should  like  to  see  this  rotten  old  tub  sent 
rolling  down  hill  after  our  Silver  Sticks,  and  Gold  Sticks,  and 
numerous  other  sticks  and  forms  that  block  up  the  entrance  to  our 
Courts,  royal,  legal,  and  otherwise. 

Before  concluding,  we  will  make  one  more  guess.  We  are  all  of  us 
familiar  with  the  yKsopian  illustration  of  the  lawyer  swallowing  the 
oyster,  and  handing  the  Plaintiff  and  Defendant  each  a  shell.  Now, 
it  may  be  the  ollice  of  this  Tubman  to  be  in  attendance — like  the  one 
at  the  Albion,  SIMPSON'S,  and  other  places — and  open  the  oysters  for 
I  he  lawyers ! 


IRISH  PROVERBS. 

EVERY  goose  thinks  his  wife  a  duck. 

No  news  in  a  Newspaper  isn't  good  news. 

Manners  make  the  gentleman,  and  the  want  of  them  drives  him 
elsewhere  for  his  shooting. 

A  miss  is  as  good  as  a  mile  of  old  women. 

Too  many  cooks  spoil  the  broth  of  a  boy. 

It  is  a  good  head  of  hair  that  has  no  turning. 

It  *s  foolish  to  spoil  one's  dinner  for  a  ha'porth  of  tarts. 

There  are  as  line  bulls  in  Ireland  as  ever  came  out  of  it. 

Necessity  has  no  law,  but  an  uncommon  number  of  lawyers. 

Better  to  look  like  a  great  fool,  than  to  be  the  great  fool  you 
look. 

A  soft  answer  may  turn'away  wrath,  but  in  a  Chancery  suit,  a  soft 
answer  is  only  likely  to  turn  the  scales  against  you. 

One  fortune  is  remarkably  good  until  you  have  hadjanother  one  told 
you. 

Don't  halloa,  until  vou  have  got  your  head  safe  out  of  the  wood, 
particularly  at.Donnybrook  Fair. 


THE  FRENCHMAN'S  TPAN.SL.VTIOX  OF   "  Queer  STREET  " — Leather 
Lone.  

THE  TfKxiNG-PoiXT  OF  LIFE.— See  grey  hair,  and  then  dve.— 


216 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  21,  1S57. 


DEER-STALKING  MADE  EASY.     A  HINT  TO  LUSTY    SPORTSMEN. 


A  LESSON  IN  TOLEEATION. 

In  DICKEXS'S  Household  Words,  an  old  Thug,  in  India,  is  described 
as  putting  his  five  children  through  the  Thug  exercise;  making  them 
go  through  the  business  of  strangling  and  robbing  a  victim— much  as 
MR.  DICKBNS'S  own  Fagin  practised  young  thieves  in  picking  pockets. 
The  narrator  informs  us  that  among  the  lookers-on  was  a  very 
interesting  looking  woman  of  about  two-and-twenty  years  of  age."  He 
asked  her  what  she  thought  of  the  exhibition,  and  her  answer,  prettily 
couched  in  a  proverb,  was : — 

"  The  mango  always  falls  beneath  the  shade  of  the  parent  tree  ?" 

The  moral  view  of  the  case  did  not  seem  to  present  itself  to  the 
young  lady  s  mind ;  so  her  interrogator  naturally  turned  her  attention 
to  that,  by  asking  her  opinion  of  the  crime.  Mark  her  exquisitely 
beautiful  reply  :— 

She  looked  up  with  as  lovely  a  pair  of  eyes  as  ever  «aw  the  light,  smiled,  and 
responded,  '  Heaven  will  hold  us  all,  Sahib  ! ' " 

What  a  lesson  of  kindliness  and  charity  this  gentle  Thug,  of  the 

softer  sex  of  Thugs,  should  teach  us  bigoted  and  intolerant  fenglish 

people !    VV  hen  devotees  of  a  different  persuasion  from  our  own,  commit 

on  the  Continent,  and  elsewhere,  little  outrages  upon  humanity  such 

is  the  denial  of  decent  burial :  when  they  imprison  those  who  forsake 

heir  sect :  when  they  impose  other  little  restraints  upon  personal 

liberty:  when  they  suppress  the  sale  of  books  merely  for  being  incou- 

iistent  with  their  opinions :  when,  as  now  at  Vienna,  they  hinder  the 

study  of  medicine  and  surgery  by  forbidding  dissection :  when  they 

!  with  tyrants  who  torture  statesmen,  and  oppose  and  malign 

literal  Sovereigns  and  their  enlightened  Ministers :  when,  nearer  home 

they  lomeiit  sedition,  intimidate  voters,  and  evince  sympathies  more  or 

ss  ill-disguised  with  our  enemies,  and  particularly  with  murderous 

d  inhuman  rebels :  when  they  exultingly  anticipate  our  downfal,  and 

it  over  our  reverses:  when  they  employ  the  political  power  with 

i  m  our  once  liberal  and  tolerant  mood  we  trusted  them,  for  the 

itruction  of  our  public  business,  and  in  subservience  to  their  own 

in  views ;— why  should  we  allow  ourselves  to  be  so  enslaved  by 

narrow  Prejudices  as  to  take  any  notice  of  such  trifles  ? 


Doubtless  many  of  these  things  are  done  in  perfect  sincerity. 
"  Heaven  will  hold  us  all,  Sahib !"  And  what  if  those,  whose  ideas  of 
veracity  are  more  liberal  than  ours,  occasionally  cause  the  eyes  of  a 
picture  or  a  statue  to  move,  or  get  up  a  supernatural  apparition,  in 
order  to  feed  a  faith  of  which  the  appetite  is  more  craving  than  our 
own?  Why  should  we  have  the  bad  taste  to  ridicule  the  sanctified 
imposture  ?  The  motive  was  good ;  or  even  if  it  were  bad,  what  then? 
'  Heaven  will  hold  us  all?  Sahib !  "  And  why,  if  the  zeal  of  the  pre- 
decessors of  certain  religionists  was  once  so  burning  that  it  consumed 
other  religionists  at  the  stake,  should  we  remember,  far  less  commemo- 
rate, any  such  painful  matter  of  history  ?  Let  us  forget  it.  Let  us 
bury  it  in  oblivion.  If  it  could  be  now  repeated— if  several  hundreds 
of  martyrs  could  be  burned  in  Smithfield  to-morrow,  an  enlightened 
politician  would  ignore  that  event  the  next  day.  "  Heaven  will  hold 
us  all,  Sahib!"  And  besides  that,  when  men  go  into  Society,  they 
meet  lots  of  fellows  who  have  formed  connections  which  render  any 
allusion  to  such  subjects  as  those  above  mentioned  an  unpardonable 
offence  against  good  taste.  Besides  not  being  genteel,  it  is  also  a  bore. 
What  if  a  band  of  pious  conspirators,  at  home  and  abroad,  are  saying 
and  doing  all  they  can  to  injure  old  MBS.  ENGLAND  and  her  vulgar 
institution*  ?  "  Heaven  will  hold  us  all,  Sahib  !  "  Give  us  a  cigar. 


institutions  ? 


An  Extract  from  "Bell's  Life." 

MR.  BEHXAL  OSBORXE,  being  asked  at  the  "Reform  Club  what  was 
the  resemblance  between  BIG  BEN  and  the  Ministry,  replied  know- 
ingly :  "  I  suppose,  because  there  is  a  split  in  it."  We  do  not  know 
whether  MR.  OSBORXE'S  is  the  real  answer,  but  we  have  no  doubt  it 
is  just  as  good  as  the  real  one.  We  have  no  great  admiration  for  the 
riddles  of  the  lieform  Club.  ROEBUCK'S,  WALMSLEY'S,  Cox's,  and 
WILLIAMS',  are  all  detestable— but  especially  WILLIAMS'. 


"WE'LL  HANG  THE  BANK  CHARTER  AND  THEM  IN  A  ROPE." — Lillabulero. 

WE  are,  generally,  opposed  to  specifics.    But  the  same  cure  seems 
available  for  the  Sepoy  Mutiny  and  the  City  panic— Suspension. 


;h^«b"'".a» 


NOVEMBER  28,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


217 


OMN1BUSTERS. 


HE  occasional  rides 
we  have  taken  in  the 
vehicles  of  that 
remarkable  institu- 
tion, the  General 
Omnibus  Company, 
had  not  led  us  to 
suppose  it  within  the 
s  of  proba- 
bility that  an  accu- 
sation of  fast  tra- 
velling would  ever 
be  brought  against, 
them.  Anybody  who 
will  get  into  one 
of  the  Company's 
Westminster  Omni- 
buses (out  of  hu- 
manity to  the  con- 
ductor we  do  not 
recommend  the  pro- 
cess to  any  irascible 
gentleman  witli  a 
good  stick  for  prod- 
ding), and  will  en- 
dure the  progress 
from  War  wick  Street 

to  the  Abbey,  will  have  at  once  a  good  notion  of  the  speed  of  the  caterpillar  and 
of  the  Company.  For  no  amount  of  money  would  we  incur  the  guilt  of  causing  the 
execrations  which  burst  forth  from  the  insides  (when  there  are  any)  during  that 
alternation  of  crawling  and  halting.  The  Association  is  a  foreign  one,  and 
foreigners  have  seldom  any  real  idea  of  the  value  of  time.  But  it  seems  that  the 
Company's  drivers  can  "wake  up"  sometimes,  as  befits  the  servants  of  a  society 
that  by  creating  a  monopoly  was  to  reform  a  system.  Twice,  last  week,  the 
Company  was  brought  under  the  notice  of  the  Courts  of  Law,  and  in  each  case 
it  was  heavily  mulcted.  In  the  first  case,  had  it  not  been  that  a  poor  horse  was 


injured,  our  sympathies  would  not  have  been  with  the 
plaintiffs,  for  the  vehicle  assailed  was  one  of  those  abomi- 
nable nuisances,  the  Vans,  which  the  other  abominable 
nuisance,  the  Corporation,  permits  to  block  up  the  traliie, 
and  round  which  Mr.  /'»/»•//  and  the  world  in  general 
dance  a  frantic  dance  of  triumph  whenever  the  monstrous 
aud  over-loaded  piles  come  to  grief.  But  as  the  Company's 
omnibus  so  wounded  a  horse  tliat  he  had  to  be  killed,  the 
jury's  love  of  justice  triumphed  over  its  hatred  of  \  an>, 
and  a  verdict  was  given  against  the  Company  for  Fifty-six 
pounds. 

But  the  Second  Cuse  was  more  amusing.  The  Company 
have  proclaimed,  in  a  published  document,  that  it  is  deter- 
mined to  promote  its  interests  by  the  usual  means— or 
some  such  words.  The  usual  means  would  appear  to  be 
what  is  called  "nursing"  any  omnibus  that  presumes  to 
carry  passengers  on  the  ( 'onipan>  's  line  of  road.  "  Nursing  " 
means  the  driving  one  vehicle  close  before,  and  another 
close  behind,  the  objectionable  omnibus,  so  as  to  prevent 
its  getting  custom,  or,  should  it  have  secured  a  rider,  to 
present  to  his  alighting  the  mild  obstacle  of  a  pole  and  a 
couple  of  horses.  But  matrons  tell  us  there  is  such  a  thing 
as  over-nursing,  and  in  one  case  the  efforts  of  the  Company 
to  drive  opposition  off  the  road  seem  to  have  been  some- 
thin^  of  that  kind.  In  fact,  if  the  rival  was  nnrsed,  the 
Company  has  been  brought  up  by  hand,  and  brought  up 
pretty  sharply— the  hand  being  that  of  a  conductor  of  the 
opposition  omnibus.  The  nursing  experiment  having 
crushed  and  maimed  his  hand,  a  jury  was  again  appealed 
to,  and  a  verdict  was  given  against  the  Company  for  One 

I  Hundred  Pounds. 

Let  us  hope  that  the  apparently  misplaced  energy  of 
the  Company  will  henceforth  be  exerted  in  a  way  more 
advantageous  to  the  public  and  to  the  Society.  Let  the 

;  omnibuses  run  fast  and  run  fairly,  and  the  rest  may  be 
left  to  the  public.  Omnibuses  that  require  such  Pulling- 
Up  as  backs  them  into  a  Court  of  Law,  can  hardly  be 
remunerative  in,  the  long  run. 


A  HERO   AND   A   HUMBUG. 

Lin:  assurance  does  not  prosper  in  Trance,  owing  to  the  priests, 
who  have  a  well-grounded  objection  to  a  man's  arranging  his  money 
affairs  except  when  he  is  upon  a  sick-bed.  But  there  is  another  kind 
of  Assurance  which  is  proverbially  French,  and  of  which  our  diverting 
friend  MONSIEUR  JULLIEN  has  biought  over  an  exceedingly  large 
supply.  We  had  indeed  no  notion,  until  a  recent  Thursday,  how 
much  of  the  article  the  musical  Hebrew  possessed.  Upon  that  occa- 
sion— and  upon  occasion  of  his  producing  at  the  Promenade  Concert 
a  piece  of  matant  quackery  called  a  Delhi  Quadrille — MONSIEUR 
JULLIEX  certainly  developed  an  audacity  to  which,  were  we  writing  of 
anybody  not  a  mountebank,  we  should  apply  a  harder  name. 

If  he  had  only  taken  the  most  serious  subject  of  the  day  as  a  theme 
for  fiddles  and  fifes,  and  for  the  delectation  of  his  patrons  the  gents, 
Mr.  Punch  would  scarcely  have  noticed  it.  Such  topics  have  been 
selected  so  often,  that  such  dodges  have  almost  become  legitimate 
devices  for  folks  of  the  JULLIEN  order.  To  be  sure,  at  the  very 
moment  t  hat  M.  JULLIEN'S  trumpets  were  braying  or  piccolos  squeaking 
in  imitation  of  the  sounds  of  battle,  the  real  thing  might  have  been 
going  on,  and  his  audience's  fellow-countrymen  might  have  been 
slaying  aud  being  slain,  with  all  the  ghastly  accompaniments  of  the 
battle  field.  But  we  agree  to  forget  these  things.  A  quadrille  is  named 
from  1  >elhi,  because  everybody  is  thinking  about  Delhi,  no  matter  in 
what  connection,  and  we  are  really  grateful  to  M.  JULLIEN,  or  to  the 
ingenious  writer  who  supplies  his  literature  and  advertisements,  for 
taking  as  his  theme  the  terrors  of  l)elhi  instead  of  the  horrors  of 
Oawnpore.  This  piece  of  delicacy,  this  concession  to  English  feelings 
could  hardly  have  oeen  expected.  We  should  have  repaid  his  forbear- 
ance hy  silence,  but  for  his  subsequent  proceeding. 

The  wife  and  daughters  of  the  noble  soldier  who  has  been  fighting  a 
battle  every  other  day,  and,  under  Providence,  saving  India  to  us,  had 
received  a  box  for  the  concert,  and  had  occupied  it.  At  the  close  of 
the  quadrille  a  noble  idea  struck  M.  JULLIEX — unless,  indeed,  he  had  all 
along  planned  his  roiqi,  and  had  entrapped  LADY  HAVELOCK  in  order  to 
execute  it.  He,  the  great  MONSIEUR  JULLIEN,  conductor  of  the  fiddles, 
He  would  be  the  man  to  present  to  the  public  the  wife  of  the  victorious 
English  General.  He  would  do  her  that  honour — it  was  a  great  one, 
doubtless,  from  a  Frenchman  and  a  musician — but  He  would  not  be 
proud.  So,  waving  his  arms  as  gracefully  as  adiposity  permitted, 
he  pointed  out  LADY  HAVELOCK  to  the  crowd,  and  graciously  com- 
manded thai  they  should  give  her  some  token  of  their  appreciation  of 
her  husband's  valour.  Ana  there  was  no  escape,  the  lady  was  dragged 
forward,  and  the  first  public  recognition  of  SIR  HENKY  HAVELOCK'S 
heroism  was  actually  performed  m  Engknd  at  the  bidding  of  the 


French  conductor  of  a  Shilling  Concert !    0 !    bravo,  M.  JULLIEN, 
and  again  bravo ! 

Perhaps  to  the  lady  whose  name  has  been  brought  into  his  comment 
Mr.  Punch's  apologies  are  due  for  his  having  commemorated  such  an 
exploit  of  unmatched  effrontery.  Perhaps,  too,  he  should  add— though 
it  is  almost  needless  to  do  so— that  though  he  treats  the  simial  feats 
and  frisks  of  a  JULLIEN  with  good-nature,  there  is  but  one  feeling 
among  Mr.  Punch's  readers,  that  is  to  say,  English  societj',  touching 
the  impertinence  that  made  a  Lady  its  victim  for  the  sake  of  giving 
eclat  to  a  piece  of  musical  quackery. 


to  Moit»   Jvl — m.  "LOOK  HEBB,  Movs.,  YOC'RE  A  CLEVER  FELLOW  is 

YOUR  WAY,    BUI  LET  THE  BRITISH   LlON    ALONE— HE  ISN'T  A  PoODLI ! " 


VOL.  XXXIII. 


218 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  28.  1857. 


PRIZE    LABOUR    IN    LONDON. 

T  delights  ua  to  an- 
nounce that  the  happy 
notion  of  rewarding 
years  of  service  _  by  a 
moment's  exhibition  on 
1  he  platform  at  a  meet- 
ing and  the  pr 
tiuu  o£  a  sovereign,  or 
so  by  way  of  prizc- 
V.  will  no  longer 
he  confined  to  the  pro- 
vincial districts,  r)ut 
will  be  yearly  carried 
,1  those  of  the  Me- 
tropolis. In  each  qf 
the  Ten  Towns  initialed 
by  the  Post-office  steps 
are  being  taken  now  to 
6ct  on  foot  Scr 

•••  aim  will  be  to 
ngement  to 
;\  protracted'  course  of 
industry,  by  holding  out 
rewards  to  those  who 
:iely  odious  qptamufelsOj^  have  recently-  'been; 
•  never-publicly-rewarded  lives  of  servants  here  in 
;  more  favoured  lot  of  I  hose  residing  in  the  country  :  ' 
<ure  (provided  only  (heir  .employer  have  paid  'up  ms 
)  to  meet  with  their  rcwai  d  at  the  lianas  of  a  Society^  with 
i  x-Kxchequer  Chancellor  attendhrg,  all  alive,  to  see  the 
premiums  ilistrihuted.    "  Ofortimati  nhiiam'!  "  lias  been  the  general 
(if  all  the  London  men  scrvai.'-  ;  .-1  with  the 

i*i  nimiurrt,  sm  ^i  bonfl  ir'rint, 

MH  ip«'...  infill  ptiiit-evquecriticsque, 
Fundit  Immi  facilera  (>lausum  Dui:  VKLI  facuudus  '. 

Besides,  as  that  great  orator  has  stated  his  conviction  that  such 

"wi?e;:.i)d  prescient  undertakings,  and  have  raised  the 

character  of  all  classes  of  tlie  Community;"  it  is  felt  that^as  Londoners 

;  of  the,  community,  they  w.ill  clearly  be  found  raisable  by  'this 

luence.    Moreover,  it  is  known  tliat  the  "machinery 

inn  will  not  be  very  costly,  if  worked  upon  the  principle 

:he  country.    "The  vulgar  test  of  money,"  which  ME. 

PISBAXI.I  lisappEoyes  ojf  fbruieyaluing  of  conduct,  will  be,  BO  far  as 

,  discountenanced.    Cheap  but  nicely  suitable  rewards  for 

!!!  be  chosen,  and  annually  submitted  to  a  public  competition. 

Tlie  selection  of  the  prizes  will  be  entrusted  always  to  the  strictest  of 

economists,  and  a  committee  of  Scotchmen  will  be  yearly  called  upon 

to  certify  that  the  articles  selected  are  of  the  lowest  market  value. 

In  short,'  (  very  care  will  be  adopted  to  ensure  the  presentation  of  the 

ist  of  rewards,  so  as  to  leave  no  doubt  upon  the  minds  of  the 

recipients  that  it  is  not  the  "  mere  moneysworth  "  of  the  prizes  which 

are  given,  by  whici  "  the  excellence  of  the  individual"  is  appraised 

by  the 

It  v.v  .ject  of  these  Metropolitan  Societies  to 

extend  ill  iras,  which  is  limited  at  present  to  the 

AgriculttBiipAssociations  j^fljwe  members  have  for  years  enjoyed  an 

•i'.onoly  in  the  annual  production  of  their  crops  of  prize 

laboiira^^fcwHwleJCBfence  the  research  of  ME.  DISRAELI  assigns 

t'SBBhs  at  Igaiit  of  our  national  prosperity  :  — 


^."  QttMtte  ami  corn  may  languish  mid  may  fail  : 
.^^BL  ConMTdccIine  till  theru  be  found  no  sale  : 

•MFKlr  Prize  Pcas;i-ih-y,  the  platform's  pride, 
•'With  iunds  nnow  Old  England  wi:l  provide." 

To  falu&ate  the  growth  of  the  Prize-Servant  Crop  in  London,  the 
Bysteny^Hh  has  proved  so  efficacious  in  the  provinces  will  be  generally- 
adopted  Wi'flie  metropolitan  producers,  and  as  fruitful  results  are  as 
ntjy  looked-for  as  those  which  have  attended  the  provincial 
cultivation.  It  is  conceived  that  the  effects  of  "emulative  competi- 
tion" will  be  shown  in  our  Ten  Townsmen  as  well  as  in  the  rustics  ; 
and  that  the  "  spirit  of  improvement  "  will  prove  as  strong  a  stimulant, 
whether  those  to  be  excited  by  it  are  countrymen  or  cockneys.  We 
are  ourselves  unwilling  to  admit  that  we  are  ever  ignorant  of  anything, 
but  we  must  candidly  confess  we  know  of  no  sufficient  reason  for 
forming  any  different  conception  of  the  matter.  Indeed,  we  entertain 
no  doubt  that  if  the  public-platform  system,  praised  by  orator 
DISRAELI,  have  really  as  he  says  "imparted  life"  to  country  clods, 
this  one  successful  trial  is  enough  to  prove  the  fact  of  its  "  vitalising 
influence,"  no  matter  where  that  influence  may  happen  to  be  exercised. 

As  the  Town  Associations  have  not  actually  started,  it  is  only  with 

an  eye  to  futurity  that  we  regard  their  institution.    Some  preliminary 

we  are  tnid,  been  taken;  and  by  those  who  support  the  old 

t  hey  will  doubtless  be  deemed  steps  in  the  right  direction. 


We  are  not  at  liberty  as  \H  to  divulge  anymore  than  we  actually 
know  ;  but  we  at  least  shall  break  no  confidence,  if  we  give  a  pen- 
and-inkling  of  the  nature  of  the  premiums,  which,  we  have  our  own 
authority  to  state,  will  be  most  probably  awarded. 

Beginning,  as  our  sex  inclines  us,  with  the  other,  we  believe  that 
the  .First  Prize  for  the  reward  of  femsie  merit  will  be  a  corkscrew  and 
liqueur-glass  to  the  oldest  chamber  lauutlrrs.-,  <m  service  in  the  Temple 
or  any  of  the  Inns  :  her  age  to  be  comjmtcd  by  competent  authorities, 
and  to  date  not  from  her  birth,  but  from  the  com»enc«ment  of  .her 
legal  practice.  Candidates  will  all  have  to  produce  their  l  est  imonials, 
supplied  by  the  gentlemen  whose  chambers  they  have  tended  ;  and  in 
cases  where  the  urn-corks  of  any  on?  employer  nre  shown- to  have  been 
tampered  with  above  a  dozen  times  .per  diem,  the  candidate  shall  be 
ineligible  to  receive  a  premium. 

To  the  Prize  Maid-of-all-work,  serving  in  .a  lodging-house,  will  be 
presented  a  new  cap,  of  the  value  of  two  shillings.  No  applicant, 
T,  will  be  suffered  to  compete  unless  pjovided.'with  certificates 
that  in  at  least  three  situations  hfld  within  a  '<  welvcmonth,  the  dura- 
tion of  her  service  has  been  longer  than  a  fortnight.  .Extra  premiums 
of  ribbon  will  also  be  awarded,  if.sufficient  proof  be  furnished  that,  in 
;l\ v.  t  imes  out  of  twelve,  any  candidates  have  wiped  the  black-lead  from 
i  heir  lingers  before  trifling  with  the  janiTpots  ;  and  a  pair  of  worsted 
mittens,  of  not  less  cost  than  fourpence,  will  be  given  where  two 
lodgers  shall  be  found  attesting  witnesses  that  they  have  ever  had 
their  shaving- water  brought  up  hot  enough  to  use,  and  within  twenty 
minutes  from  the  time  they  rang  for  it. 

A  Prize  Snuff-box,  priced  at  Sixpence,  will  be  publicly  contended 
for  by  workers-out  as  charwomen,  being  offered  as  a  stimulus  to  their 
competitive  exertions.  Any  candidate  attested  by  the  master  of  a 
dwelling-house  to  ihave;gone  through  a  day's  charring  without  leaving 
her  pail  for  him  to. 'break,  his  shins  against,  will  be  presented,  in 
addition,  with  a  new  pairiof  pattens. 

All  early -rising-  housemaids  who  can  prove  they  have  got  up  within 
(ivc-and-twenty  minutes  after  "missus'  bell  have  rung"  for  them,  will 
bo  rewarded  for  their  merit  by  a  cotton  nightcap ;  and  the  Prize  Cook, 
who  brings  evidence  of  having  kept  her  temper,  during  dinner-serving 
time,  once  a  week  upon  an  average  throughout  a  twelve  months' sen-ice, 
entitled  to  receive  an  ornamental  pepper-box,  engraved  with  an 
appropriate  inscription  of  the  fact.  Small  pecuniary  premiums  will  also 
be  awarded  to  maid-servants  who  prove  that  they  have  entertained  their 
"cousins"  not  more  than  twice  a  week  where  followers  have  been 
forbidden ;  and  any  cook  who  shows  that  she  has  passed  a  fortnight  in 
a  family,  without  having  asked  a  policeman  in  to  sup  with  her,  will 
receive' a  wreath  of  daisies  from  the  hands  of  the  Society,  in  recog- 
nition of  her  virtuous  and  self-denying  abstinence. 

The  Prize  Monthly  Nurse  who  never  makes  excuse  of  her  weakly 
constitution  to  have  sweetbreads  for  her  dinner,  and  "something 
otted  hup "  for  supper,  with  a  rum-and-water  nightcap  medicinally 
after  it,  will  receive  a  child's  mug,  mpttoed  in  gold  letters  with  the 
words  "  Reward  of  Merit,"  and  a  satin  ribbon  book-marker  inscribed 
"  For  a  good  Girl,"  will  be  presented  to  the  nursemaid  who  can  take 
her  charges  to  the  park,  without  reading  a  romance,  or  flirting  with  a 
soldier.  The  prizes  for  male  servants  will  be  similarly  chosen.  A 
whisker-brush  and  pocket-comb  will  be  awarded  to  Ado_nises  in  plush 
and  powder,  who  can  now  and  then  so  far  forget  their  prnameutal 
qualities  as  to  make  themselves  of  use  to  anybody  but  their  masters ; 
and  a  prize  of  a  new  shaving-pot  will  be  publicly  presented  to  any 
British  footman  who  can  so  far  forget  the  precedents  of  plush  as  to 
treat  the  "fambly"  governess  with  an  occasional  approach  to  some- 
thing like  civility.  The  groom  who  never  lends  nor  lets  his  master's 
horses  will  get  a  pair  of  riding-gloves  and  half-a-erown  for  beer; 
while  the  Buttons  who  is  proved  to  have  ever  gone  an  errand  without 
stopping  on  the  way  to  have  a  game  of  marbles  or  a  pennyworth  of 
suckers,  will  be  awarded  six  large  ;brandy-balls  and  a  prize  penny 
whistle. 

We  have  said  enough  to  indicate  the  nature  of  the  premiums  by 
which  deserving  servants  will  in  London  be  rewarded.  It  will  be 
owned  there  is  no  fear  of  the  prizes  being  prized  for  their  intrinsic 
value ;  and  we  see  no  reason  why  they  should  not  prove  as  strong 
"  encouragements  of  industry "  as  those  which  are  provided  in  pro- 
vincial districts.  We  have  little  doubt  ourselves  that  the  prizes  we 
have  mentioned  as  awardable  in  town  will  be  as  thoroughly  "  appre- 
ciated "  by  their  praiseworthy  recipients,  as  are  the  sovereigns 
presented  for  long  service  in  the  country:  of  which  appreciation 
MR.  DISRAELI'S  insight  has  enabled  him  to  state  that  "  the  manner 
of  receiving  them"  is  a  convincing  proof.  " Miserable  critics  "  may 
sneer  at  the  sheer  worthlessncss  of  the  articles  presented,  but  we  may 
remind  them  that  merit,  like  virtue,  is  its  own  reward ;  and  that, 
since  good  servants  are  in  fact  beyond  all  price,  it  is  idle  to  attempt 
to  present  them  with  a  prize  which  should  in  any  way  pretend  to 
represent  their  money  value. 

"We  reward,"  as  MR.DISBAELI  has  so  analogously  put  it;  "we  reward 
with  prizes  of  blue  and  red  riband  acts  of  the  greatest  patriotism  and 
heroism ; "  and  surely  therefore  Servantism  need  not  be  affronted,  if  the 
rewards  it  is  presented  with  are  as  intrinsically  valueless.  A  sovereign 


L'8,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVAlil. 


219 


"received  in  the  spirit  in  which  it  is  offered"  is  doubtless  qun> 
much  il  at  the  end  of  fifty  years  of  service,  as  the  pre 

to  be  held  rent-free,  and  ftve-ajM-twenty  pou 
go  per  u  i  •  nee.    To  encouraco  length  of  servitude 

l'  the  platform  arc  honours  long  deferred,  bowevi 
the  criti>  louuce  them  as  shortcoming;  and  if  tin 

proved  one  of  such  bucolic  benefit,  it  is  time  that  London  S 
should  !'  improved,  upon  the  plan  of  Slow  Rewards  and  \  cry 

Little  Profits. 


!!.ES. 

i   every  one  has  heard  of  picture-1, 
only   be  seen  in  a  certain  light,  and 
of  others  so  contrived  that   they  e-ui  only 
be  seen  from  a  e- -i-iain  direction.    But  the 
most  magical  paintings  are  those  in  the 
.\atioinl  Gallery.    Th<-,>  are  iuvisib: 
cept  by  glimp  le  opening  of  t lie 

doors  until  one  o'clock  in  The 


CASE    OF    CLERICAL    NERVOUSNESS. 

Soil  K  years  ago,  aii  advertisement  was  continually  appearing  in  the 
jouncing  that  "  a  Clergyman  of  Cambridge  In 

il  himself  of  a'nervous  disorder  with  which  he 

red,  "from  benevolence  rather  than  gain," 
some   tini'.  ed   this  old   familiar 

advertisement;   and   we  are   afraid    thai    it«  Mtthoi    slt-ep.s  with   bis 
fathers,  and  with  .     Hut  if  that  divine  and  empiric,  and 

ornament  of  the  University  of  (  is  still  in  the  hind  oi 

if  he  really  e:ui  eure  others  of  nervous  d  would   be 

•'  a  nervous  patii'iit,  to   inroki  'ance 

iu  a  Ciise  thus  reporter  '  — 

•<T!  a  cxtr.-me  Pusoyitc.  lu.Ming  very  hich  doctrine?  "il 

i  s  of  the  Chn:  :ent  occasion  he  df 

to  be  present 


with 


ommuni 


childi'i'      '  •iiofthepalc" 

forms  the  conclusion  of  an  account,  of  ; 
.  named  in  t  he  n 

'i,  Rhuabon,  during  Communion,  by  rxtraor- 

ted   towards   a   brother  clergyman 
should   be 
i.rovided  n 


phenomenon  baa  n-c 

but  while  tryin  ,     .i 

,  . 

tor  him,  even  although  not  without  dcrivi:  i-ahle  gain 

must,  indeed,  be  verj  .  and 

,  f0  have  his  hair  removed  in  time,  and  before  his  malady  shall 


other   morning, 

problem.     At  one  o'clock  children  must  go 

home  to   dinner ;   so  , 

depart,   and,   soldiers  luiving    no    t  ,j  |()  ,liivt;  iilo  nan  »oinu»i.'a  m  i.»um,  MU\*  u^*wi^  *iu  !..«.. n.j   »»»*. 

reason  for  lounging  against.  the_rail,   the    |lavc  i1:it  |i,l;,[  s{;ise  ;„  whioh  the  sufferer  often  shav, 

.    That  lie;i'.  •  unto  itself  the  notion  that  the  chilui  en 

of  Dissenters  are  out  of  the  pale  of  salvation,     [t  is  a  pity  that  such  a 
^  it  continues  to  be  so  hot  as  it  is,  should  long  remain  out 
'.  of  cold  water. 


pictures  come  into  view.— Q.  E.  D. 


,  riiu:i«'iiYAi;i).  K  ON 

THE  ACTORS. 

say  that,   at   Le.we. ,  the  other  day,  the 

Public  a  if  to  be  betrayed  in  -nd  violence. 

i 

I   of  a  churchyard,  hu  through  the 

'.•-'  dn  ssea  lice  aud  hat. 

i  a  public-house  at  Southover,  aud  then  remained 
I  shouting  "No 

r  from  the   public-ho,.  ,lted  in  his  shirt- 

sleeves ;  ,d  to  the  railway-station.    Whether  his  shirt-sleeves 

were  all  the  clothes  lie  had  on,  or  not,  the  contemporary  from  whom 
liculars  does  not  state.    By  the  help  of  the  police 
oy  were  conveyed  to  the  same  place  in  a  fly,  followed 
by  the  British  Public  and  the  boys,  who  continued  whooping  and 
"No  Popery!  " 

••in  could  have  so  highly  exasperated  the  British 

and  so  inflamed  its  noble  mind  with  rage  as  to  urge  it  to  hoot 

y  of  ladies  through  tin-  id  tear  the  clothes, 

not  only  of  the  foimcr  but  also  of  .  .f  all  respect 

-'fall  reverence  for  the  Crinoline? 
;ier  the  conclusion  of  the  burial  service,  the  priest, 
:.,  attempted  to  read  an  additional  service,  contrary 
of  the  officiating  clergyman,  and  also  to  the  wish  of  the 
r eased.    One  of  the   bystanders  then  cried,  "No 
:nied,  "  Muck  him  out !" — and  this  suggestion 
re  been  immediately  acted  upon.    The  Sisters  o! 
i  ly  involved  themselves  in  the  revi Tend  gentleman's  calamity, 
ing  with  him,  or  taking  a  part  in  his  performance  as  super- 
at  ies  iu  a  very  melancholy'scene. 

ntrived  to  attract  the  JBritish  Public  at  his 
•la  of  his  female  at  v.-as  not,  we  apprehend,  a 

ithough  his  pursuers   bawled  "No  IV 

nerely  one  of  those  imitative  English  parsons 
unj.    Nor  do  we  imagine  that  his  assistants  of 
uuine  nuns;  we  surmise  that  they  were  but 
not  so  much  even,  as  1; 

uock-brothers  and  sham-sisters  have  a  right  to  play 

out  they  should  choose  some  other  theatre  than 

r  we  may  deplore,  i  he  maltreatment  which  they 

te  hands  of  an  infuriated  British  Public,  we  cannot 

wonder  that  such  actors  were  hissed  off  such  a  stage. 


A  Question  in  Bankruptcy. 

A  BASKEH,  ere  accused  of  fraud, 

nntry  left,  aud  went  abroad, 
To  mend  his  health  ;  he  took  a  dance 
Out  of  England  into  France, 
Out  of  France  and  into  Spain — 
And  when  will  he  come  back  again  ? 


APPALLING  LEGAL  NEWS. 

MR.  JfvncK  EIILE  did  one  day  last  week,  administer  to  MR. 
SEIUEAST  THOUAS  the  following  rebuke: — 

*' The  licence  Counsel  had  become  a  public  i. 

For  aoiuti  questions  a  barrister  ou;;Ut  to  bo  prosecuted." 

In  consequence  of  these  observations,  a  meeting  of  certain  members 
of  the  Bar  has  been  held  at  the  Alibi  Tavern,  and  the  following  reso- 
lution has  been  unanimously  agreed  to : — 

*'  That  this  meeting  views  with  rUiivm  and  <H*frust,  the  posaible  in'- 
Judge  with  the  free  aud  unbridled  exerciso  of  «]  >  ::ritt8h  Adv< 

Lliat  if  a  barrister,  in  thu  exercise  of  his  vocation,  is  to  be  intenli.- 

•  .-.--,  implying  tl:at  .-'i  aslnmesi,  and  if 

.  is  unvirtuons,  such  ban-ietcr  is  ciipple'i  in  the  discharge  cf  the  sacred 
duty  lor -..  Vnd  this  meeting  hereby  rceonis  its  e":ivictinii.  tiiat 

if  fcuch  nstrlction  be  enforced,  no  h<  nnunb!u  and  highminded  man  can  hence- 
forward accept  a  bi-ici'." 

The  profession  is,  however,  under  the  circumstances,  as  well  as  can 
be  expected — or  desired. 


THE  BASK  OF  ELEGANCE.— The  Old  Lady  in  Threadneedle  Street 
!K;S  turned  Bloomer.  To  the  alarm  and  consternation  of  her  relations 
and  friends,  she  has  been  exhibiting  herself  in  tights. 


220 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  28,  1857. 


"TiiE  CHESXUT  HAS 'SURELY  BOLTED!?   JOE!" 

"  AT  !  AY  !   SIH,  HE  B'LONGED  TO  A  COSSACK  IN  THE  CRIMEA,  AND  THERE  AIN'T  NO  HOLDING  or  HIM  WITH  BRITISH  CAVALRY 

IN   HIS  HEAR." 


MBS.  THREADNEEDLE'S  COMPLAINT. 

I  AM  a  poor  old  lady,  and  my  health  is  rather  failing  me, 
The  Doctors  are  to'meet  and  try  to  find  out  what  is  ailing;  me, 
And,  please  the  pigs,  I  hope  and  trust  they'll  manage  to  discover  it, 
And  though  my  time  of  hie  is  such,  perhaps  I  shall  get  over  it. 

"Pis  a  return  of  that  complaint  at  intervals  that  teases  me, 

ten  years  or  thereabouts  that  regularly  seizes  me; 
A  sort  of  a  contraction,  with  a  tightness  and  a  dizziness, 
That  won't  allow  a  body  for  to  go  about  her  business. 

It  comes  on  with  a  pressure,  and  a  clutching  and  a  clawing, 
Then  there 's  a  running  at  the  chest,  a  pulling,  and  a  drawing, 
And  then  there  is  an  emptiness,  and  sort  of  feel  of  sinking, 
With  a  kind  of  nervous  shaking,  and  a  fainting  and  a  shrinking. 

And  then  I  're  noises  in  my  ears ;  a  breaking  and  a  crashing, 
A  blowing  up  and  bursting,  and  a  falling,  and  a  smashing, 
Which  worries  me  to  that  degree  which  is  beyond  expressing, 
None  knows  but  they  that  feels  how  them  there  noises  is  distressing. 

I  feel  that  I  must  die  if  this  goes  on  a  minute  longer, 
Then  some  one  comes  and  cuts  my  stays  and  I'm  directly  stronger. 
Which  makes  them  say  I  lace  too  tight— I  scorn  the  accusation : 
But  I  must  have  that  support  for  to  maintain  my  situation. 

The  truth  is  this ;  I  'm  worrited  by  nephews  and  by  nieces, 
That  plagues  me,  and  thai  bothers  me,  and  tears  me  into  pieces, 
They  go  too  fast  a  pace  for  me,  pursuing  some  delusion, 
And  then  1  lag,  and  the  residt  is  ruin  and  confusion. 

I  am  too  old  a  soldier  to  cajole,  or  coax,  or  wheedle, 
And  still  enjoy  so  good  a  sight  that  I  can  thread  my  needle, 
My  dwelling  is  Threadneedle  Street,  and  England  is  my  nation, 
And  Parliament  and  PALMERSTON  I  look  to  for  salvation. 


A  "WESSEL"  OF  WRATH. 

THE  exultation  of  the  Editor  of  the  Record  at  learning  that  the 
second  attempt  to  launch  the  Great  Ship  had  failed  was  perfectly 
ecstatic.  The  amiable  religionist  had  specified  his  belief  that  the 
defeat  of  the  first  attempt,  and  the  killing  two  of  the  workmen  was  a 
judgment  of  Providence  upon  the  directors  of  the  company  for  calling 
the  ship  Leviathan,  a  name  which  some  interpreters  of  THE  BOOK 
conceive  to  mean  Satan,  while  others  think  it  denotes  something  the 
Record  considers  a  great  deal  worse,  namely,  the  Church  of  Rome. 
The  Record  appears  to  believe  that  unless  the  name  is  changed,  the 
vessel  will,  if  launched,  sink.  The  ill-success  of  the  new  attempt, 
on  Thursday,  the  19th,  has  confirmed  our  contemporary's  convictions. 
Yet,  if  the  name  of  a  ship  is  really  of  such  awful  import,  what  would 
the  Record  say  to  one  who  should  set  out  on  a  missionary  excursion, 
deliberately  embarking  on  board  a  vessel  named  after  two  Pagan  demi- 
gods, who,  when  on  earth,  were  the  foulest  criminals,  treacherous 
murder  being  one  of  their  offences. 

The  so-called  Evangelicals  are  not  celebrated  f9r  their  learning,  and 
therefore  we  will  explain  that  we  allude  to  the  Dioscuri,  better  known 
as  CASTOR  AND  POLLUX,  whose  names  were  borne  by  the  Alexandrian 
vessel  selected  by  the  great  APOSTLE  OF  THE  GENTILES  to  take  him 
to  Italy— and  which  did  take  him  there  in  perfect  safety.  But  it 
would  not  in  the  least  surprise  us  to  find  the  Record,  with  its  superior 
lights,  accusing  ST.  PAUL  of  "presumption" — the  school  to  which  pur 
contemporary  belongs  is  by  no  means  reverent  when  its  Pharisaical 
tenets  are  controverted. 


Fellow   Peeling   among   Foreigners. 

SOME  of  our  continental  contemporaries  are  greatly  shocked  at  the 
severity  with  which  our  conquering  trosps  have  punished  the  mis- 
creants who  outraged  and  tortured  English  women  and  children. 
Perhaps  they  can  more  easily  apprehend  the  unpleasantness  of  the 
punishment  than  the  atrocity  of  the  crime. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— NOVEMBER  28,  1857. 


WHERE   THE   MONEY   REALLY   IS! 

MR.P-NCH  (ro  HIS  FRIEND  PAM).  "THERE,  MY  BOY!  I'M  NOT  FOND  OF  BOASTING,  BUT  THESE  ARE  SOME 
OF  THE  RESULTS  OF  UNTIRING  INDUSTRY,  COMBINED  WITH  EXTRAORDINARY  GENIUS,  GREAT  ENERGY 
AND  PRUDENCE.  COME,  NOW,  REWARD  OUR  INDIAN  HEROES  PROPERLY,  AND  I  'LL  HELP  YOU  OUT  OF 
YOUR  DIFFICULTY  ! " 


NOVEMBER  28,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


223 


PARAGONS    IN    PETTICOATS. 


something  afflict- 
ing   ill    tin- 
Ill  spite  of 
\  u'enciesand  match- 

i  rcnnial 

nee  of  ihe  oppor- 
tunities   of 

there  is  still  kept  up  a 
standing  army  of   those 

•I     beings 

Bachelors,  who  are  actu- 
ally driven  to  make  known 


ca; 

and 'receive  into  them  a 
wife!  Being  of  a  sensitive 
and  sympathising  nature, 
we  generally  lose  an 
•!•  a-week  from 
the  saddening  announce- 
ments which  appear  in 
Sunday  papers,  headed 
with  the  word  "  Matri- 
mony," and  tailed  with  an 
address  where  addresses 
will  be  paid  to  ladies  who 
apply  for  them.  Were  we 
of  either  French  or  fashionable  A-  extraction,  we  should  confess  that 
we  are  "desolated"  weekly  by  regrets,  that  these  lone  ones  have  as 
yet  found  no  philanthropist  to  help  them,  and  save  them  the  expense 
of  advertising  their  heart-wants.  Surely  an  appeal  might  be  urged  to 
the  Benevolent,  asking  aid  to  set  on  foot  a  Connubial  Humane  Society, 
where  proper  means  of  rescue  from  a  life  of  single  wretchedness  might 
be  had  on  application  at  the  depots  or  receiving -houses.  Ladies  of  all 
aspects  might  be  kept  on  show  by  the  Society,  and  cards  to  view 
supplied  to  the  forlorn  ones  who  required  them  :  substantial  guarantee 
being  furnished  by  the  applicants  that  their  better  halves  would  be 
inducted  into  comfortable  quarters. 

Meanwhile,  in  the  absence  of  this  charitable  institution,  we  think 
that  we  may  do  the  single  state  some  service  if  we  suggest  another 
way  of  filling  up  the  vacuum  which  the  advertising  gentlemen  announce 
in  their  affections.  If  we  happened  to  be  single  (Judy,  pardon  us  the 
thought ! )  and  felt  doubtful  where  to  look  for  a  heart-treasure  of  a 
wife,  we  really  think  we  should  betake  ourselves  to  a  Domestic  Out-of- 
Place  Office,  and  ask  some  highly  recommended  housemaid  to  be 
partner  of  our  bosom.  .Fudging  from  the  requisitions  we  see  daily  in 
the  papers,  we  feel  sure  that  if  perfection  exists  anywhere  in  petticoats, 
it  is  personified  on  this  side  of  the  Channel  by  a  maid-servant.  See 
here,  for  example,  what  a  bundle  of  requirements  we  found  the  other 
day  inserted  in  the  Times :  and  the  catalogue  is  really  not  much  longer 
than  is  now  becoming  usual.  We  quote  word  for  word,  merely  changing 
the  address  to  one  which,  we  conceive,  if  there  be  anything  in  names, 
reads  rather  more  appropriate : — 

XS* ANTED,  for  a  gentleman's  family,  TWO  MAID  SERVANTS  ;  one 

*    as  good  cook,  with  a  thorough  knowledge  of  foreign  dishes,  to  assist  in  the 

housework  ;  the  other  as  nurse  and  housemaid,  good  needlewoman,  to  wait  well  at 

table.  Both  must  be  early  risers,  with  personal  recommendations  for  strict  honesty, 

sobriety,  cleanliness,  activity,  good  temper,  trustworthiness,  and  respectability. 

Wages, — Housemaid,  about  £10  per  annum,  everything  found  ;  beer  money,  throe 

ce  per  day.     Apply  by  letter  only  to  MRS.  FIDGETS,  Omelette  Villa,  Grub 

Street.    A  Frem-h  person,  with  good  references,  preferred.    No  Irish  need  apply. 

There  is  somewhat  of  ambiguousness  in  the  verbiage  of  this :  for 
instance,  how  a  knowledge  of  foreign  dishes  is  "  to  assist  in  the  house- 
work "  it  is  not  slightly  puzzling  to  a  male  mind  to  conceive :  but  it  is 
clear  at  least  that  persons  who  respond  to  MRS.  FIDGETS'  advertise- 
ment must,  in  addition  to  their  other  properties,  possess  considerable 
cheek.  To  own  herself  the  owner  of  such  a  string  of  qualities  as  is 
specified  above,  an  applicant  must  needs  be  anything  but  modest ;  and 
it  is  hardly  likely  she  would  put  so  low  a  value  on  herself  as  to  come 
to  terms  with  MRS.  F.  at  the  wages  above  hinted  at.  There  is  a 
vagueness  in  the  phrase  "  about  £10  per  annum,"  which  to  cautious 
minds  would  somewhat  seem  to  smack  of  the  suspicious ;  but  even 
granting  that  this  sum  be  paid  down  annually  in  full,  it  would 
Be  scarcely  giving  more  than  a  sovereign  apiece  for  the  good  qualities 
engaged  for  it.  Merely  in  that  one  sentence  which  begins  with  "  early 
rising,"  and  exhausts  itself  at  length  in  the  word  'respectability,''' 
there  are  specified  no  less  than  eight  distinct  essentials  ;  and  besides 
all  these,  the  cook  must  be  "  good,"  as  well  in  cookery  as  temper,  and 
however  highly  she  be  thought  of  by  those  who  recommend  her,  she 
must  not  think  herself  above  assisting  in  the  housework  :  an  assistance 
which  is  certainly  not  more  than  will  be  needed,  where  the  mu 
is  the  housemaid,  is  to  serve  also,  habitually,  as  sempstress  and  as 


waiter.  One  would  think  the  labour-market  must  be  tolerably  glutted, 
when  requirements  such  as  these  are  quoted  at  so  low  a  figure  as  a 
:i,  plus  three  half-pennies  JHT  diem  for  expenditure 
in  beer;   an  allowance  which  mi;:!  '';ul  icci|iie:,ts  to  fancy 

that  their  character  for  soberness  was  thought  a  little  doubtful. 

It  is  said  that  a  demand  induces  always  a  supply,  and  we  presume 

that  MILS.  FnxiKTs  will  find  what  she  was  "wanting"  at  the  date  of 

her  advertisement.     For  ourselves,  with  '  nee  which  we  have 

had  as  housekeepers,  we  should  as  soon  have  thought  of  advertising 

for  a  pair  of  female  Dodos,  as  for  a  pair  of  female  Mich  as 

MRS.  F.  has  pictured.     A  good-tempered  cook  and  an  early  rising 

aid,  have  long  been  classed  in  our  belief  with  the  extinct 

:  and  we  h.  .,1  that  one  ink'!  vpecl  to  find 

'  Tribes  of  Israel,  by  now  inserting  in  the  Times  a  reward  for 

their  discovery. 

But,  really — to  conclude  as  we  commenced— if  sucli  paragons  of 
femininity  as  MRS.  F.  requires,  exist,  we  should  recommend  all  wife- 
seekers  to  be  on  the  look-out  for  them.    Such  housemaids  should  at 
once  be  offered  their  promotion  from  the  scrub-brush  to  the  key- 
basket,  and  should  be  no  longer  let  to  waste  their  sweetness  upon  the 
r.  "  Clean,  active,  and  good-tempered  " — what  more  would  man 
:     And     trustworthy"  withal!    No  fear  of  a  new  bonnet 
being,  once  a-week  or  so  charged  among  the   puddings !     Clearly, 
bachelors  at  any  rate  should  copy  MR.   FIDGETS;   for  were   they 
ilisingfor  a  wife,  they  could  not  well  be  more  particular.    For 
i  ourselves,  we  are  most  happily  in  no  want  of  that  article;  and  should 
j  we  hear  of  such  personified  perfections  as  MRS.  F.  requires,  she  may 
!  rely,  at  least,  we  shall  not  be  connubially  deterred  from  forwarding 
i  them  on  to  her.    As  it  is,  however,  we  have  not  the  remotest  notion 
where  such  paragons  in  petticoats  exist,  and  we  can  therefore  but 
a»snre  her  of  our  wish  that  she  may  get  them. 


A  SPICY  AETICLE. 

lx  RE  WOOLF  LEW,  alias  HORACE  MONTEHORE,  alias  WILLIAM 
LAMGFBLBT,  alias  WILLIAM  LYON,  before  MR.  COMMISSIONER  PHIL- 
LIPS, in  the  Insolvent  Court,  the  subjoined  conversation  is  reported  to 
have  occurred  between  the  learned  Commissioner  and  the  unlortunate, 
but  worthy,  insolvent;  the  latter  having  stated  that  about  1S50  lie 
had  visited  the  United  States  with  another  gentleman  in  partnership 
as  general  dealers,  and  that,  in  that  capacity,  they  had  travelled 
throughout  the  Union  with  American  curiosities  -. — 

'  COMMISSIONER.  What  are  American  curiosities  ? 
1  INSOLVENT.  Wooden  nutmegs,  and  such  things.     (LavgtUer.) 
'  COMMISSIONRH.  Did  you  sell  them  for  real  spice  t 
'  I.NSOLVENT.  We  did.    (Continued  laughter.) 
1  COMMISSIONER.  And  did  you  persuade  the  Yankees  to  bny  them  ? 
•  INSOLVENT.  They  did  not  know  the  difference.    We  sold  them  in  the  cities  of 
the  West,  Indianapolis,  and  other  places.  Others  sold  wooden  hams,  but  we  did  not." 

Probably  this  respectable  merchant  deceived  himself  in  the  suppo- 
sition that  the  Yankees  actually  took  the  wooden  nutmegs  for  real  ones. 
Of  course,  they  were  far  too  'cute  to  make  any  such  mistake.  They 
affected  to  receive  them  as  genuine  out  of  that  politeness  which  is 
characteristic  of  American  gentlemen.  MR.  *  WOOLF  LEVY,  in  the 
simplicity  of  his  nature,  could  not  conceive  them  capable  of  such 
dissimulation;  but  doubtless  the  fact  was,  that  the  Yankees  knew  very 
well  what  sort  of  nutmegs  they  were  buying,  and  bought  them  to  sell 
again. 

When  we  ascribe  innocence  to  MR.  WOOLP  LEVY,  perhaps  we  are 
in  a  measure  wrong.  We  may  be  incorrect  as  to  the  name.  It  would 
probably  be  better  to  say  WILLIAM  LASGFELDT.  WILLIAM  is  a 
Chiistian  name,  and  LAXGFELDT  does  not  seem  to  imply  descent  from 
ABRAHAM.  And  the  funny  little  trick  of  selling  wooden  nutmegs  for 
real  spice  is  just  that  which  one  can  hardly  imagine  a  gentleman,  who 
really  rejoices  in  snch  names  as  WOOLF  LEVY,  playing. 


TALK  ACROSS  A  TURNIP  FIELD. 

Farmer  Holloieay  (bawling).  What  is  this  here  bisnus  as  Parlimunt  "s 
gwainn  to  meet  about  in  such  a  hurry  ? 

Farmer  Hooper  (replying  m  the  same  key).  Currency  question,  ac- 
cardun  to  what  they  sen  in  the  peaapers. 

Farmer  Uolloaay.  I  'in  afeard  they  '11  play  old  gooseberry  wi'  that 
arc  currency. 

Farmer  JIoojKr.  Make  gooseberry  fools  o"  theirzelves. 

Farmer  Ilolloway.  Ah  !  and  o*  we  too. 

farmer  Hooper.  Ees ;  and  we  be  ate  up  moor  nor  enough  already. 

Farmer  Holloway.  Well,  but  what 's  this  here  currency  question  all 
about  ? 

Farmer  Hooper.  What  is  a  Pound  ? 

Farmer'JJotloKai/.  1  thinks  they  ought  to  know  that  purty  well  by 
this  time,  zo  many  stray  Jackasses  as  they've  got  among  urn'. 


224 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  23,  1857. 


THE  SIMPLE  HISTORY  OF  A  PORTRAIT.    (Price  £3  3s.) 

//•<:•/„„„/.  Who  has  been  tearing  off  one  of  these  Photographs  ? 
Wife.  I  did,  dear.    I  hope  I  've  done  no  harm  ? 

Husband.  Harm !  You  have  simply  destroyed  the  value  of  the  Stereoscope. 
It's  only  a  dead  loss  of  three  guineas,  that 's  all ! 

Wife  Dear  me !  Weil,  I  'in  sure  1  'm  very  sorry— but  the  truth  is,  dear,  i  saw 
two  portraits— one  by  side  of  the  other— and  they  were  exactly  alike— and  I  did  not 
altogether  see  the  object  of  having  two  portraits,  you  know,  aiid  not  a  hair's  difference 
between  'em— and  so,  as  old  MRS.  JOXES  was  expressing  her  very  great  admiration 
of  it  I  said  "  I  'in  sure,  you  are  perfectly  welcome  to  one  of  them,  if  you  like. 
MRS.  JONES,"  and  accordingly,  I  tore  one  off,  and  gave  it  to  her,  dear,  there  and 
then.  The  good  old  soul  was  so  pleased,  you  can't  tell,  and  she  has  promised  me 
her  portrait,  and,  if  you  are  very  good,  I  will  tell  you,  pet,  what  I  '11  do  for  you  ? 
You  shall  put  hers'  in  your  stead,  dear.  There ! 

[The  Wife  looks  delighted  at  this  proposition— but  the  husband,  apparently,  is  not 
tquallv  charmed.  Perhaps,  he  is  thinking  that  he  is  young,  and  is  endowed 
with  the  richest  Hack  whiskers  ;  and,  on  the  other  side,  he  is  recollecting  that 
MRS.  JONES  is  old,  even  for  an  old  woman,  and  wears  an  antediluvian  cap, 
fith  an  ii/tit/r  border  of  false  curls,  that  are  black  and  curled  tightly  round, 
tike  small  black  puddings.  He  is  wondering  how  oddly  their  portraits,  placed 
stereoscopically,  phiz-a-phiz,  would  look  together  ! 


THE  HUSBAND. 


OLD  MES.   JONES. 


This  is  how  the  young  husband  and  old  MRS.  JONES  would  have  looked,  when,  by 
the  unitive  effect  of  the  stereoscope,  their  two  physiognomies  were  rolled  into  one  : 


^ 


OUR  FRIEND  MR.  COX. 

•  ?P"?!on.of  tlle  two  Divans  has  been  obtained  upon  the  question  of  the 

|  union  oi  Moldavia  and  Wallachia."    Having  perused  this  statement  in  a  Daily 
1  aper  and  being  particularly  anxious  to  know  what  the  opinion  was,  MR   Cox 
M.r  for  Imsbury,  hurried  off,  the  other  morning,  to  ascertain  the  fact  for  himself' 
it  called  at  the  Divan  in  the  Strand,  and  began  his  inquiries.    MR.  RIES 
tely  replied  that  he  had  not  heard  anything  on  the  subject,  but  thought  that 
x  had  better  take  a  bone  ticket  and  go  up-stairs  and  ask  in  the  place  itself 


when,  if  he  did  not  rercive  the  information  he  wanted,  he 
would  at  least  have  had  a  cigar  and  a  cup  of  coffee.  ME. 
Cox  said  he  would  consider  before  he  incurred  the  pre- 
liminary outlay,  and,  going  out,  ran  up  Southampton 
Street  to  MR.  KILPACK'S,  where  he  anew  propounded  his 
inquiry. 

MR.  KILPACK,  after  some  meditation,  said  that  he  did 
not  think  any  question  about  Moldavia  had  been  raised 
in  his  Divan,"  but  he  certainly  had  heard  some  gentleman 
speaking  about  the  Wallachs,  though  whether  it  was 
JAMES  or  HENRY  he  was  not  sure,  tie  invited  MR.  Cox 
to  enter  the  American  alley,  and  see  whether  anybody 
there  looked  likely  to  be  able  to  satisfy  him  ;  but  MR.  Cox, 
who  has  a  general  notion  that  every  American  carries  a 
revolver  iu  one  hand  and  a  bowie-knife  in  the  other,  and 
shoots  or  stabs  anybody  who  asks  him  a  question,  declined 
somewhat  hastily,  and  went  away,  declaring  that  he  would 
bring  the  want  of  information,  remarkable  hi  the  News- 
papers, before  Parliament. 


Latest  about  the  Bell. 

POOR  MR.  WAKXER, 

Is  put  in  the  corner, 
For  making  a  bad  Big  Ben  ; 
And  now  it  appears 
That  the  good  MR.  MEARS 
Is  to  furnish  a  new  Bell.    When  ? 


MR.   CHRISTOPHER  CLOD  UPON  THE  PRIZE 
SERVANT  SYSTEM. 

"  MESTER  PUNCH,  SUE, 

"  i  BAINT  much  of  a  scollard,  but  ise  got  a  pair 
o'  ears,  and  as  i  wur  down  at  the  black  Lion  last  toosday 
was  a  week,  i  heerd  a  chap  a  readun  of  a  speech  as  wur 
spoke  lately  somewheres  in  the  Midlands  at  a  meetun  for 
promotun  aggericultur  and  Sarvunts.  Sur,  i  wur  so  tickled 
with  a  good  deal  as  wur  said  that  I  had  the  Curosity  fur 
to  ax  who  twos  as  wur  a  Speekun,  which  i  larnt  as  how 
it  wur  HESTER  DIZZY  HALT,  him  as  used  Fur  to  call  hisself 
the  Faermer's  friud,  which  as  he  duzzent  stand  so  I  in 
parliament  as  formally,  he's  now  a  condessendun  fur  to 
call  hisself  the  Labrer's.  You  see  Sur,  they'd  a  bin 
'encurryjun  o  native  Industry'  by  giyun  Suvverings  to 
Sarvunts  as  had  worked  the  longest — nigh  \  a  sentry  some 
on  em  twur  said^and  i  thort  as  this  year  observation  wur 
a  speshul  tickler  : — 

"  la  giving  rewards  for  excellent  moral  character  we  do  not  pretend 
to  measure  the  excellence  of  the  individual  by  the  mere  money  value 
of  the  prize,  but  to  sinRle  him  out  from  the  crowd  and  show  that  his 
services  are  appreciated  by  the  community  iu  which  he  Jives." 

"  Sur,  i  got  my  boy  BILL,  him  as  goes  to  the  Nashnal 
sknles,  fur  to  coppy  this  year  out  for  me,  that  you  mite 
have  it  giniwine  and  not  spilt  wi'  my  bad  spellun,  fur  i 
jest  Wants  to  ax  this  MESTER  DIZZYKELLI  (which  peraps 
you'l  print  is  anser  in  yure  kollums— when  you  gits  nn] 
weather  as  How  the  crackters  as  air  guv  by  the  conmioonity 
air  of  Sarvice  to  a  labrer  as  is  lookun  fur  a  plaice.  Praps 
MISTER  DIZZY  RALY  will  be  good  enuff  to  say  if  e'd  consent 
to  ire  a  sarvunt  as  ad  bin '  appreciated  by  the  kommoonity' 
vithout  inquirun  if  his  Maister  had  appreshiated  of  un  also. 
Seems  to  me  as  a  sarvunt  is  a  sarvunt  of  his  Maister  and 
not  o'  the  kommoonity,  and  ise  doutful  wur  I  out  o'  plaice 
if  a  krakter  as  wur  got  from  the  commoonity  ud  help  me. 

"MESTER  DIZRELLI  he  also  torked  a  deal  (uncommon 
gift  o'  Gab  he  have,  sure-LY  !)  about  us  fairm  sarvunts 
bein  'elevated  by  the  spirit  of  competition'  and  beun  most 
on  us  'stimulated  by  the  spirit  of  improvement'  and 
Jennyrally  '  raised  in  the  public  estimation  by  the  public 
recognition  of  good  conduck.'  ise  not  quite  Sartiii  as  i 
knows  the  Public  he  makes  mention  on,  but  Us  at  the 
Black  lion  we  wos  all  on  us  agreed  as  how  a  Public  wornt 
exackerly  the  Plaice  as  wun  ud  goo  to  fur  a  crackter.  I 
cant  o  course  say  anythin  agin  them  Sperrits  as  he  talks 
on,  seeun  as  how  i  haint  yet  been  so  fortnight  as  to  git 
a  Taste  on  em.  but  as  fur  beun  stimmilants  and  elewatun 
of  a  man,  us  at  the  Black  Lion  we  wos  pretty  ginrelly 
agreed  as  Beer  wur  quite  sufflshunt. 

"Awaitun  your  reply,  leastways  MESTER  DISHELLIS,  i 
rcmane  sur  your  obajent  unible  sarvunt  To  comand, 

"KRISTOPHER  CLOD." 

"  uppuds  a  Thutty  year  plowman  down  tunstle  Way 
*'  nigh  FAIRMKR  FLATS,  Buffuk." 


NOVEMBER  28,  1857.] 


[.   Oil    THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


225 


'.  ViOmns,  kis  note/tun  of  wot  the  Arms  of  t7i.e  lie  of  Man  had  ought  to  le — with 
a  "Mutter"  which  its  'is  hone  inrcntahv.n  and  he  thinks  very  appropriate. 


SILLY  SOLONS. 

Magistrates  of  Wakefield  have  (if  a  report 
before  us  be  trustworthy)  singularly  illustrated  the  extreme 
fitness  of  the  ennui  ry  gentlemio  for  the  judicial  duty.  One 
of  those  foreign  rascals,  so  dear  to  our  female  population, 
one  of  the  scoundrels  \vlio  import  unfortunate  creatures 
to  grind  organs  for  the  torment  of  rational  persona,  was 
charged  at  Wakelicld  with  brutal  ill-treatment  of  a  poor 
German  girl.  Her  hurdy-gurdy,  or  whatever  nuisance  it 
was,  had  "not  brought  sullicient.  'imshmouey  on  a  particular 
day,  and  so  the  fellow— her  fellow-countryman— is  sworn 
tu  have  assaulted  her  abominably,  and  taken  away  her 
shoes  and  storking,  and  .sonic  other  portions  of  her  dress. 
The  caae  was  clearly  made  out,  and  then  the  Magistrate!) 
'•>ls  of  themselves,  collectively,  by  inflicting  a  trifling 
fine,  and  one  of  them  made  himself  a  fool,  individually,  by 
ail  offensive  and  silly  speech.  The  rullian  was  amerced 
in  twenty  shillings,  and  the  Justice  said  "Such  things 
might  do  in  Germany,  but  would  not  do  here."  The 
rimrulously  slight  fine  speaks  for  its  own  absurdity,  and 
v  who  knows  the  Germans  is  aware  that  brutality  is 
ry  last  charge  which  can  be  brought  against  them. 
They  smoke,  and  drink  beer,  and  talk  queer  philosophy, 
and  do  verv  little,  but  they  arc  a  very  humane  people, 
and  far  in  advance  of  ourselves  in  the  knowledge  of  what 
is  due  to  tue  so-called  weaker  sex.  We  assume  the  accu- 
racy of  the  report,  but  should  be  glad  to  learn  that  it  is 
incorrect,  for  the  sake  of  the  British  bench  and  British 
courtesy. 

AN  END  OF  EVERYTHING. 

HOPE,  where  wilt  thou  cast  thine  anchor  ? 

Faith,  where  wilt  thou  make  thy  nest  V 
If  we  cannot  trust  o 

Where  is  confidence  to  rest  ? 

Earth  below  will  seem  forsaken, 

Sky  appear  a}blank  above, 
When  Commercial  Credit 's  shaken, 

Who  will  dream  of  Woman's  Love  ? 


HUMOURS  OF  THE   CITY  COMMISSION  OF  SEWERS. 

WE  record  wit h'pleasure'a  few  amenities  of  language  interchanged 


by  the  supposed  exhibitor  of  the  symbols  which  he  took  for  armorial 
bearings  ;  who  gave  him  the  following  brief  lesson  in  blazon : — 


"  MR.  DAW.  I  may  state  that  the  armorial  bearings  referred  to  by  MB.  TAYLOR 

between  some  worthy  members  of  the  City  Commission  of  Sewers,   are  not  jackdaws,  they  are  three  cranes.   (Ua&ttr.V 
which  afford  a  fresh  indication  that  the  City  is  beginning  to  be  itself       fke  conversation  on  the  ceremony  of  the  previous  day— not  a  word 
again,  and  to  transact  business  after  the  worshipful  old  fashion.    At  a   ilaving  becn  uttered  about  the  sewers  over  which  the  Commission  is 
meetinsr  of   the    Court   of   that    civic    Commission,    the   Chairman    „         ;Lj  *„  ««f  «„  n  i.'fflo  CnrDiarnritliniit  onvropinrnoaiinn 


meeting  of  the  Court  of  that  civic  Commission,  the  Chairman 
announced  that  the  Hford  Cemetery  had  been  consecrated  the  ;day 
before  by  the  BISHOP  OP  LONDON,  and  highly  praised  the  arrange- 
ments made  on  the  occasion,  by  the  Burial  Board  Committee,  for  the 
convenience  and  comfort  of  those  who  had  been  invited  to  attend.  He 
also  strongly  eulogised  the  conduct  of  the  Bishop,  and  the  discourse 
delivered  by  the  Right  Reverend  Prelate.  In  the  praise  of  the 
arrangements  one  gentleman,  however,  could  not  concur.  MB. 
DEPUTY  LOTT  complained  that  "  he  himself  was  shut  out  from  the 
chapel  after  struggling  and  fighting  his  way  through  a  dense  mob,  and 
was  unable  to  witness  the  ceremony."  Whereupon  DEPUTY  BOWER, 
after  making  some  laudatory  remarks  on  the  Bishop's  address,  which 
he  described  as  "so  wise  and  so  impressive,  that  every 'Dissenting 
clergyman  in  the  Kingdom  would  have  been  proud  to  have  delivered 
it,"  observed  that— 

"  DBPUT-.    '  abt  purposely  kept  in  thn  background  during  the  perform- 

ance of  the  cerem.-my,  in  order  that  he  mi'.'ht  i.n<l  an  opportunity  of  making  a  com- 
plaint, which  Y.-a.",  bit  invariable  custom. 

Strange  to  say,  this  extremely  personal  imputation  of  motives 
elicited  no  retort — no  reply  even — from  DEPUTY  LOTT — who  presently, 
however,  showed  that  his  silence  probably  was  owing  to  deafness 
rather  than  forbearance.  The  altercation  was  taken  up,  with  a  slightly 
irrelevant  turn,  by  MR.  If.  L.  TAYLOR,  in  the  following  polite  and 
humorous  speech  : — 

"  MR.  H.  L.  TAYLOR.  I  :hat  so  many  people  were  pleased  with 

tfic  address  of  the   I-;i-,l'<-;>-     Ishmilii  yesterday  but  tor  a 

'ne  at  any  future_time 


supposed  to  preside — went  on  a  little  further  without  any  reciprocation 
of  civic  compliments,  until,  on  a  vote  of  thanks  to  the  Bishop, 

"  DEPUTY  LOTT,  in  supporting  the  resolution,  loudly  complained  that  he  was 
not  able  to  hear  the  sentence  of  consecration. " 

Doubtless  he  had  also  not  heard  the  speech  of  DEPUTY;  BOWEB  ;  for 
if  he  had,  it  would  of  course  have  produced  a  little  explosion  of  feeling, 
like  that  evinced  in  the  succeeding  dialogue  : — 

"  MR.  ABRAHAM.  MR.  DEPCTY  LOTT  was  in  the  foremost  rank. 
"  DEPUTY  LOTT.  You  are  stating  that  which  you  know  is  untrue. 
"  MR.  ABRAHAM.  You  were. 
"  DEPUTY  Lori.  I  deny  it.    (Corrfus; 

There  was  a  time  when  the  further  discussion  of  this  question  of 
veracity  might  have  been  adjourned  to  Chalk  Farm,  even  from  a  City 
meeting  ,1  time  happilv  past.  The  courtesies  of  debate,  however, 
were  thus  further  exemplified  : — 

"  MR.  ABRAHAM.  I  witnessed  it  with  my  own  eyes.  5In.  DKPCTTY  LOTT  was 
present  in  the  chapel  during  the  whole  of  tbe  first  stige  of  the  proceedings  for  more 
iN.ll1  an  honr  nnt.il  we  went  out  to  perambulate  the  grounds.  He  might  have 
read  the  sentence  of  consecration — it  wan  printe I. 

"  DKPDTY  LOTT.  I  had  a  right  to  be  inside  to  hear  it. 

"  MR,  ABRAHAM.  You  were  standing  within  a  few  feet  of  tbe  Bishi 

"  DEPUTY  LOTT,  That 's  wholly  untrue.    (OmtfiHM  .)" 

Here  the  Chairman  interfered— not  too  soon,  perhaps.  If  he  had 
not,  bottles  might  have  been  thrown — had  there  been  any  at  hand. 

Such  a  growling  and  grunting  and  barking  as  that  above  quoted,  we 
have  not  heard  in  the  City  for  many  a  day.  Such  a  mode  of  trans- 


hop. 


c_.™™-.M™,Ei2£bS  acting  civic  business  had  ulmost  fallen  into  desuetude.     To  read  of  it 

been  pi..  ••  These  are.:  icrs  of  will  make  many  of  our  senior  subscribers  feel  quite  young  again,  borne 

people  may  think  the  language,  with  specimens  of  which  we  have  been 


heelerktot  •:.  Solontj  as  •  ::iere,  I  never 

a  parly  to  put  my  foot  inside  that  plneo.     (/,";< 

MR.  TAYLOR'S  heraldry  would  seem  to  be  small,  whatever  may  lie 
thought  of  his  breeding.    On  the  former  point  he  was  gently  corrected 


nipg  ilnMil,  unbecoming.  It  is  not.  altogether  unbecoming. 
"  Who  drives  fat  oxen  should  himself  be  fat,v— and  sewers  have  foul 
mouths.  We  need  not  complete  the  parallel. 


226 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVAIU. 


[NOVEMBER  28,  1857. 


IMPERTINENT  CURIOSITY. 

Military  Man.  "WELL!    WHAT  ARE  YER  A  STAHIN'  AT — AIN'T  TER   SEVER  si-r.n 

A   SODOER  BEFORE?" 


THE  MODEL  WIFE  IN  1857. 

SHE  dwells  in  fair  Belgravia's  halls, 
Sweet  Fashion's  peerless  Queen, 

And  all  her  soul,  in  fetes  arid  balls, 
Is  in  her  Crinoline. 

Her  "  jupon,"  like  the  Nassau  globe, 

Cremorne  did  nightly  see, 
Haunts  its  inflated  gauzy  robe, 

Or  swirls  tempestuously. 

And  thus  expanding  more  and  more, 

She  fluctuates  in  her  walk, 
Subduing  SWAN  AND  EDGAR'S  corps 

With  undulating  talk. 

She  names  a  time,  with  kindling  eye,! 

When,  soaring  through  the  air, 
Sweet  maids,  balloon-like,  up  shall  fly, 

To  call  in  Cloud-land  Square. 

When  PAH,  in  peg-top  breeks  array'd, 

Shall  DIZZY  take  to  see 
The  realm  of  fogs  whose  mists  pervade 

His  speech  at  Aylesbury. 

When  airy  Dowagers  shall  skim 

TJgborne  on  hoops  of  steel, 
Quiring  to  old-eyed  cherubim 

In  an  "Excelsior"  reel! 

When  Hyde-Park  dames  aloft  shall  glow 

In  surging  skirts  and  frills. 
Leaving  poor  manhood  here  below 

To  cash  their  little  bills. 

Her  husband's  purse  is  small — but  no ! — 
What  though  her  form  be  slim — 

Her  jupon  still  expands, — and  oh  ! 
The  difference  to  him  ! 


SIMPLY  UNBEARABLE. — WISCOUNT  VILLIAMS  never  said 
a  worse  thing  than  this.  He  declared  that  the  ruin  of  Big 
Ben  was  caused  by  two  of  the  ancient  tribes  of  Palestine—- 
the Hammer-wrig'hts  and  the  Hittites. 


MOKE  NEWS  OE  ALEXANDER  POPE. 

(From  the  Literary  Gazette) 

THE  world  of  letters  will  rejoice  to  hear  that  in  addition  to  the 
recent  invaluable  discoveries  bearing  upon  the  history  of  ALEXANDER 
POPE,  the  poet,  several  new  facts  have  come  to  light.    Although  these 
will  tend  to  render  useless  and  obsolete  all  the  existing  biographies  of 
the  bard  of  Twickenham,  the  truth  in  such  matters  is  too  important 
and  solemn  not  to  be  received  with  gratitude  even  by  those  who  may 
suffer.    Without  further  prelude,  we  are  enabled  to  announce,  first, 
that  the  dog  "  Harlequin,"  which  was  presented  to  the  -wife  of  BISHOP 
ATTERBURY,  was  never  quite  cured  of  its  broken  leg,  and  ultimately 
died  of  the  distemper,  in  or  about  1724.    Secondly,  that  EDMUND 
CURLL'S  maternal  uncle  had  a  severe  attack  of  toothache  in  June,  1716. 
Thirdly,  that  the  Christian  name  of  the  wife  of  the  Sexton  at  Twicken- 
ham was  not  JANE,  but  JOAN.    Fourthly,  that  the  poet  himself  some- 
times shaved  himself,  but  not  often,  though  he  would  frequently  apply 
the  lather,  leaving  the  razor  to  his  servant.    Fifthly,  that  though  not 
robust  enough  for  much  gardening,  he  would  often  remove  dead  leaves 
fiom  the  bed  with  a  small  hoe  (by  the  way,  does  this  throw  any  light 
on  the  line :   "  Every  woman  is  at  heart  a  rake "  ?)    Sixthly,  that 
MARTHA  BLOUNT  took  very  little  sugar  in  her  tea,  and  also  liked  to 
sit,  in  the  evening,  with  her  shoes  down  at  heel,  because  that  arrange- 
ment gave  relief  to  her  corns.     (Mark  that,  MR.  Co  RNEY.)   Seventhly, 
that  when  QUIN  helped  POPE  on  with  his  scarlet  cloak  behind  the 
scenes,  after  Mustapha,  the  poet  desired  him  to  let  the  servant  do  it 
TJighthly,  that  the  poet  was  much  displeased,  when,  on  some  one  saying 


history,  are  all  indisputable,  and  can  be  proved  by  evidence.    We  shall 
.ook  eagerly  to  see  them  embodied  in  the  next  biography  of  "the 
of  Thames." 


Swan  i 


OUR  BROTHER  OF   PIEDMONT. 

THERE  appears,  at  last,  a  solid  ground  of  hope  for  Italy.  According 
to  the  correspondent  of  the  Times,  at  Turin,  that  city  has  actually 
attained  to  such  a  height  of  constitutional  liberty  as  to  be  capable  of 
supporting  a  Punch,  an  actual  Punch,  with  a  real  large  cut.  Our 
Pieomontese  counterpart  rejoices  in  the  name  of  Fischietto,  and  is  at 
present  laudably  employed  in  deriding  the  attempts  of  the  priest- 
paity  to  get  the  upper-hand.  To  this  end  he  has  published  a  work  of 
art,  in  reference  to  the  pending  elections,  thus  described  by  the 
Times'  correspondent  :  — 

"  It  is  entitled  '  The  real  national  arms  if  the  clericals  were  to  triumph.'  The- 
design  is  a  huge  Austrian  eaglo.  holding  in  one  elaw  a  cudgel,  in  the  other  a  shno, 
with  the  papal  tiara  and  the  keys  of  ST.  PETER  embroidered  on  it.  On  a  shield 


that  the  verse  of  his  Odyssey  swept  nobly  along,  LORD  CHESTERTIELD   personified  as  a  woman  put  into  a  sack,  witl 

ansWFTpri     "ISTn  wnr,rW.   thorp  Is  sn  much   nf  Ttnnnwv.  in  it,"      Ar,rl    parr  of  scissors  stuck  into  her  bleeding  bosom. 


answered,  "  No  wonder ;  there  is  so  much  of  BROOME  in  it."  And 
lastly,  that  the  little  ivory  instrument  with  which  POPE  used  to  adjust 
his  nails  never  came  into  HORACE  WALPOLE'S  possession  at  all,  but 
was  given  by  LADY  HERVEY  (MOLLY  LEPEL)  to  the  grandfather  of  a 
Welsh  gentleman  whose  name  we  have  not  yet  discovered,  but  who 
lived,  or  at  all  events  was  in  Montgomeryshire  in  1819.  These  facts, 
though  they  may  tend  to  overthrow  many  received  theories,  and  may 


hung  by  the  neck  and  with  tongue  protruding." 

This  last  symbol  is  not  exactly  in  the  style  of  Mr.  Punch—  but  then 
Mr.  Punch  appeals  not  only  to  free  men  and  Britons,  but  also  to 
wives  and  mothers.  In  addition  — 

"  On~small  shields  surrounding  the  larger  one,  are  various  emblematical  devices 
of  the  state  of  things  to  be  expected  if  the  priestly  party  come  into  power  —  the 
prison  gratings  of  Fenestrelle,  boys  dressed  as  priests  going  to  school,  the  Press 
sack,  with  a  dog's  muzzle  on  her  mouth  and  a 


startle  those  who  deem  themselves  best  acquainted  with  the  poet's  |  regarded  all  over  the  world. 


Very  bad  taste,  of  course  all  this  will  be  voted  by  the  genteel  and 
refined  persons  who  are  shocked  by  irreverent  allusions  to  red  stockings. 
By  the  expression,  however,  of  such  bad  taste  and  vulgarity,  red 
stockings,  and  the  like  trumpery,  are  brought  into  that  illiberal  but 
popular  contempt  with  which  it  is  desirable  that  all  the  symbols  of 
opposition  to  liberty  of  the  press  and  freedom  of  opinion,  should  be 


PrlnUl  1)7  William  Bradburr,  of  No.  13,  Upper  We-burn  Placr  end  Frederick  Mullitt  E'ani  ol  No.  1»,  Queeu'm  Ko»d  Wpit,  E»J«nfi  Park,  boih  In  tne  Parlih  of  St.  ranerai.  In  the  Caunty  of  Middlesex, 
fruiters,  it  tkelr  Offlc-«  In  Lombard  Stint,  In  the  t  telnet  tl  Whltefrlari,  in  the  Ctti  of  London,  and  Fubliihed  by  them  at  No.  85,  Meet  Street,  in  thi  ParUh  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  CMr  o.' 
London.- Sill' 111.11,  November  28,  1967. 


DECEMBER  5,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CUAUIYAUI. 


227 


LAWN-SLEEVES    AND    SHIRT-SLEEVES. 

ANY  respectable  persons  will  perhaps  be 
very   imicli  shocked    by  the   following 
statement  made  the  other  day  by  the 
op  OK  LINCOLN,  in  addressing  a 
us  of  the  Clmrch    Pastoral   Aid 
Society : — 

"  Nevertheless,    out-door    preaching  WM  ft 
most  valuable  aid   to  the  minister  of  a  Lirgo 
parish.     'For  the  first  time,'  said  the  iucum- 
Nottiiigham  Chnrt-h  to  him.  a  abort 
time  a(ro,  '  cilice  I  have  1><  ;  ti.thi* 

Church,  I  saw  men  at  Church  In  their  shirt-  j 
sleeves  ^ "' '•  i  Mti  '  I  f'tmmenced  ojKjn-jitt  ; 
inf.'    Now,  >'e(the  Bishop)  did  not  say  tli.it  it 

•    persons  thoul 1    o 

Church  in  their  slurt-sUeves,  but  if  they  were 
to  he  in  their  shirt-sleeves,  they  had  better  go  ' 
to  Church  than  elsewhere." 

Ladies  belonging  to  the  superjor 
classes  often  carry  smelling-bottles  with 
them  to  Church,  lest  they  should  faint 
there ;  but  the  precaution  of  providing  themselves  with  Leamington 
sails  will  he  c.\eii  more  generally  taken  by  them  in  visiting  a  place 
of  worship,  it'  they  think  they  are  likely  to  be  horrified  by  tin- 
sight  of  men  in  shirt-sleeves  among  the  congregation.  The  fact 
that  a  Bishop  has  expressed  an  opinion  that  shirt-sleeves  under 
any  circumstances  are  admissible  in  Church,  is  calculated  to  excite 
terror  and  alarm  in  exclusive  circles.  The  beadle  of  every  fashion- 
able Church  which  is  furnished  with  a  gallery  will,  of  course,  be 
d  to  show  all  comers  in  shirt-sleeves  into  that  pint  of  the 
building,  inasmuch  as  the  law  will  not  permit  him  to  turn  them  back 
from  the  doors,  for  the  reason  that  thev  are  not  in  correct  costume. 
A  grate  or  screen  of  ornamental  scroll-work  will  have  to  be  erected 
in  front  of  every  such  gallerv,  in  order  to  conceal  the  horrid  men 
who  sit  there,  and  most  of  whom  not  only  would  otherwise  appear 
in  shirt-sleeves,  but  also  in  beards  of  a  week's  growth.  How  to 
dispose  of  these  shocking  fellows  in  the  new  Churches,  which  are 
built  without  galleries  or  pews,  will  puzzle  the  authorities.  In 
some  of  these,  where  the  service  is  conducted  in  the  histrionic  manner, 
the  officiating  piiest  will  perhaps  sprinkle  the  shirt-sleeved  portion  of 
his  flock  wiih  eau-de-Cologne,  and  call  it  holy  water.  After  what  the 
Bisiinr  or  LINCOLN  has  said  upon  the  subject,  it  will  perhaps  be 
considered,  in  elegant  society,  that  he  himself  stands  decidedly  in  need 
of  some  sort  of  purification.  Most  sweet  voices  will  vote  that  he 
ought  to  be  deodorized,  and  disinfected,  and  perfumed.  They  will 
doubtless  propose  to  sweeten  him  with  chloride  of  lime,!  and  then  to 
scent  him  with  lavender-water,  or  fumigate  him  with  incense. 

Where,  it  will  be  demanded  by  the  better  orders,  can  people  in  their 
shirt-sleeves  expect  to  go  to  ?  And  how,  then,  'can  a'  Bishop  think 
them  fit  to  go  to  Church  in  such  a  state?  1  he  public  house  is  the 
place  for  them ;  the  proper  accompaniments  of  shirt-sleeves  are  a  pipe 
and  a  pewter-pot.  It  is  quite  clear  that  the  BISHOP  OF  LIM 
forgetful  of  his  dignity,  and  utterly  regardless  of  the  difference  and  the 
distance  which  have  so  long  existed  between  lawn-sleeves  and  shirt- 
sleeves.   

REDEEMERS  OF  OUR  NATIONAL  CHARACTER. 

IT  may  be,  in  a  measure,  true  that  we  are,  as  a  nation,  somewhat 
too  intent  on  aggrandizement,  and  that  we  are  apt  to  make  a  little  too 
much  haste  to  be  rich.  Yet  there  are  not  wanting  among  us  noble 
examples  of  disinterestedness,  evinced  in  the  most  tremendous  pecu- 
niary sacrifices.  For  instance,  the  Times  says  that— 

"  The  Election  Auditor  for  the  North  Ridinfr  of  Yorkshire,  has  published  his 

return  nf  the  expense*  incurred  :it  the  last  Election  t'i'r  that  Uiviaiou  of  the  County, 

from  which  it  »|-p<Mra  that  between  £11,000  and  .£  l-.'.ouo  was  siwut  by  the  three 

oa&didatea— viz.,  about    £f»,000   by  the  Hu\-.  CIMONKL  DUNOOMBE,  SI. P.,  nearly 

>  by  the  HON.  J.  C.  DUNDAS,  and  only  £620  by  MB.  E.  8.  CAY  LEY,  M.P." 

Now,  take  even  the  last  and  least  of  these  sums  ;  it  really  would  be 
a  great  deal  for  a  man  to  spend  for  the  good  of  his  country,  even  if  the 
mere  expenditure  were  all.  But  when  we  consider  that  the  money  is 
expended  in  order  that  the  donor  may  make  the  additional  sacrifice  of 
time  and  labour  for  his  country's  benefit,  we  are  lost  in  admiration  of 
such  munificent  patriotism,  which,  did  we  not  roll  in  unbounded  riches, 
we  should  hardly  know  how  to  imitate.  When  we  look  further,  and 
see  honourable  gentlemen  paying  from  £5,000  to  £0,000  to  obtain  a 
seat  in  Parliament,  our  admiration  rises  into  astonishment.  The  worst 
of  this  is,  that  it  swamps  our  veneration  for  kings  who  shared  their 
loaves,  and  saints  who  divided  their  cloaks,  with  beggars,  in  the  days 
of  old.  What  is  such  small  charity  to  the  romantic  generosity  of 
modern  Members  of  Parliament,  who  strip  themselves  of  so  many 
thousands  in  order  that  they  may  serve  their  constituents,  and  that 
with  the  severest  toil  ?  What  excellent  legislation  ours  ought  to  be. 
since  our  legislators  are  so  earnest  in  their  task,  and  so  devoted  !  And 


what  is  their  reward  :  The  thanks  of  a  grateful  nation?  Not  neces- 
sarily; on  the  contrary,  they  are  often  abused  in  the  newspapers  for 
their  conduct,  and  on  the  hustings,  hissed  and  pelted  with  stale  eggs. 
Beyond  the  applause  of  a  good  conscience  within,  whilst  perhaps  an 
ungrateful  people  pelts  and  hisses  them  without,  what  can  these 
chivalrous  gentlemen,  who  give  so  much  money  for  a  place  in 
Parliament,  expect  to  get  for  it ': 


SEVERITY  OF  THE  WEATHER. 

As  a  proof  of  the  extreme  severity  of  the  weather,  we  may  mention 
that  we  saw  last  week,  at  tin-  house" of  Mus.  .M.vi  KKKAMII.US,  a  mag- 
nificent Christmas-Tree  in  full  bloom.  We  have  the  authority  of  that 
respected  lady  for  stating,  that  she  gathered  from  it,  only  the  evening 
before,  as  much  as  an  indiarubber  ball,  two  postilion  boots,  six  paste- 
board drums,  one  walnut  -shell  work-box,  one  wooden  squirrel  (whose 
stomach,  we  noticed,  cleverly  contrived  to  do  duty  as  a  nutcracker). 
a  whole  apronful  of  dolls,  lugw-plums,  tin  trumpets,  coloured 
candles,  and  bonbons.  There  was  a  variety  of  fruit,  also— preserved, 
waxen,  cotton,  and  otherwise.  An  apple,  which  could  scarcely  have 
been  ripe,  for  it  was  as  hard  as  wood,  belonged  to  a  very  curious 
species,  for  upon  its  being  opened  in  the  middle,  a  whole  set  of  baby's 
ILJS  was  found  inside,  instead  of  the  ordinary  pips.  On  looking 
into  it,  it  seemed  to  us  to  be  a  kind  of  Hoax-apple. 

U'e.  believe  that  it  is  extremely  rare  that  a  Christmas-Tree  has  been 
known  to  bear  fruit  at  such  an  early  period  of  the  year.  The  25th  of 
December  is  generally  supposed  to  be  the  earliest  day  on  which  the 
various  branches  of  this  very  fruitful  tree  arrive  at  full  perfection. 
Christmas  Day  is  the  grand  harvest-home  of  all  Christmas-Trees,  but 
MRS.  MATEKFAMII.US  has  anticipated  that  auspicious  event,  by  nearly 
four  weeks.  Her  numerous  progeny  are  in  a  state  of  the  most  irre- 
pressible ecstacy  over  this  premature  inauguration,  though  we  regret  to 
state  that,  at  the  last  moment  of  going  to  press,  the  rumour  reached 
us  that  the  family  doctor  had  been  sent  for  in  the  greatest  hurry. 


MITRES  AND  FIGHTERS. 

OUR  beloved  hierarchs  have  had  a  meeting,  and  have  resolved,  that 
the  real  remedy  for  India  is  the  creating  new  episcopal  sees.  Mr.  Punch, 
with  HAVELOCK  in  view,  begs  to  turn  Dissenter,  and  to  cry,'  not 
"  More  Bishops,"  but  More  Baptists. 


"  BRAVO,  SAM  !' 


QUACK!  QUACK!  QUACK! 

A  CLEAN  sweep  has  been  made  of  Holywell  Street.'  The?obscene 
pigeons  have  been  turned  out  of  the  dirty  dove-cotes.  But  while 
the  pigeons  have  been  vexed,  censure  spares  the  crows.  The  rookery 
of  the  quacks  is  undisturbed,  and  their  vile  and  lying  advertisements 
still  pollute  the  country  newspapers,  and  some  of  the  London  journals, 
and  lie  upon  the  tables  of  fathers  of  families  to  afford  Sunday  reading 
to  their  sons  and  daughters.  To  go  through  Holywell  Street  or  not 
was  optional :  but  it  is  impossible  to  avoid  seeing  that  which  is  thrust 
under  one's  nose.  The  Society  for  the  Suppression  of  Vice  is  evidently 
afflicted  with  partial  blindness. 


VOL.  XXXIII. 


223 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI 


[DECEMBER  5,  1857. 


MAKING    GAME    OF    JUSTICE. 


IF  there  be  any  excellence  more  than  any  other  for  which  this 
publication  is  conspicuously  famous,  it  is  for  its  unflinching  praise  and 
advocacy  of  all  ancient  institutions,  and  for  the  efforts  which  it  makes 
to  avert  their  abolition.  Conservative  to  the  backbone,  Punch  is  always 
at  his  post  to  defend  all  §ood  old  nuisances  against  the  onslaught  of 
Reformers,  and  proclaim  himself  the  champion  of  all  the  vested  wrongs 
which  are  a  Briton's  birthright  as  they  are  his  boast.  Every  reader 
will  remember  how  zealously  we  strove  to  perpetuate  Protection,  and 
avert  the  doom  which  robbed  us  of  our  cherished  Smithfield  Market : 
and  we  can  point  with  a  proud  finger  to  the  course  we  have  pursued  in 
upholding  Temple  Bar,  and  the  throne  of  GOG  and  MAGOG,  and 
defending  the  time-honoured  Courts  of  Probate  and  of  Chancery.  In 
short,  whenever  any  Bulwark  of  the  State  has  been  attacked,  we  have 
always  pointed  out  that  the  nation  would  fall  with  it :  and  whatever 
follies  have  descended  from  the  "  wisdom  of  our  ancestors,"  we  have 
always  done  our  utmost  to  preserve  them  for  posterity. 

Q/tee  cum  ita  sint — as  we  never  wrote  a  school  theme  without  more 
than  once  remarking— it  may  surprise  our  constant  readers  to  be  told 
that  we  for  once  must  make  exception  to  our  rule,  and  must  claim  to 
be  excused  from  the  defending  of  a  Nuisance.  It  afflicts  us  to  confess 
that  we  are  at  length  induced  to  doubt  the  wisdom  of  the  Game  Laws, 
and  the  justice  of  the  Justices  who  are  commissioned  to  dispense  them. 
The  case  which  has  compelled  us  to  forswear  our  old  allegiance,  and 
retire  from  the  championship  of  both  Game  Laws  and  preservers  was 
bought  the  other  day  before  the  Court  of  Queen's  Bench,  and  is  thus 
epitomised  by  the  Daily  Neu*  paper : — 

"  Th!,defen,dant  M«-  BAI-LEI"'.  a  person  of  considerable  property,  and  a  Justice 
1  the  Peace  for  the  County  of  Durham,  had  two  men  brought  before  him  by  a 
couple  of  policemen,  charged  with  the  destruction-of  a  rabbit  on  his  own  property 


For  this  trifling  offence  a  criminal  information  was  filed  against  the 
Magistrate,  and  a  jury  having  found  him  guilty  of  corruption  and 
extortion  under  colour  of  his  office,  he  was  sentenced  by  the  Court  to 
a  year  s  imprisonment  and  the  payment  of  a  fine  of  two  hundred 
pounds.  In  delivering  this  sentence  the  Court,  through  the  lips  of 
MR.  JUSTICE  COLERIDGE,  observed  that— 


itiMas™001,8!00"11'  theS":at'"-P'>rt  of  the  administration  of 

justice  was  earned  on  by  the  unpaid  gentry,  as  a  part  of  the  duty  which  belonged 

™™H  ?  m  FIT  ^  If  th°'r  I'^P^ty  !  and  h«><M><-  Jf  STIOB  COLERIDGE)  fully  con 
curred  m  what  had  been  'said  by  the  SOLICITOH-GKNERAI,,  that  that  duty  was  in 
general  discharged  with  strict  impartiality  to  high  and  low.'  On  the  one  ^there 
was  power,  and  wealth,  ,m,l  learning,  and  on  the  other  poverty,  and  ignorance  and 
was  b™;,^  hT0e,hn^thff°  re""i™  Tuition,,  whffi  onco  a  case  of  extort™,, 
is  brought  bofnre  the  c\urt.  ,t  was  impossible  to  regard  it  otherwise  than  a.  a 
crime  of  great  magnitude,  and  to  be  visited  will,  very  severe  punishment  In  srch 
would  1W38«  6  dUty  ?  Ihe,Court  to  deal  <«>»  it*  sentences  with  cqnal  severity,  as  it 
,!  .1,  7Set  tha  l°w«*  Person  in  the  country.  Indeed,  when  the  Court 
f  ti  fvantaK°  V!1'*  !""  K^en  to.the  educated  over  the  uneducated,  the 
latter"  e''  °Ug  ;  Vi3itea  With  greater  8»TOrity  ttaa  that  of  the 

There  was  another  little  matter  too  that  came  out  in  the  evidence 
which  the  Court  might  have  commented  on  with  equal  indignation  ! 


namely,  that  the  Magistrate  might  not  improbably  have  pocketed  his  two 
sovereigns,  and  escaped  his  punishment,  had  he  not  been  so  indiscreet 
as  to  attempt  to  tamper  with  the  honour  of  policemen.  MR.  BALLEXY,  it 
appears,  when  receiving  from  the  poachers  the  £2  for  his  rabbit  (that 
being  of  course  the  market-price  of  the  commodity  in  Durham)  pre- 
sented the  two  officers,  who  captured  the  delinquents,  with  the  insuf- 
ficient hushmoney  of  five  shillings  a-piece.  Had  there  been  but  one  of 
them,  the  bribe  might  have  succeeded  ;  as  it  was,  their  honesty 
appeared  the  wiser  policy,  and  their  dual  better  nature  prompted  them 
to  peach. 

Another  feature  in  the  case  which  also  should  be  noted  was  the  fact, 
that  the  two  sovereigns  which  MR.  BALLENY  extorted  were  actually  sub- 
scribed by  the  friends  of  the  two  culprits,  whom  he,  the  greater  culprit, 
sat  in  legal  judgment  over  and  threatened  to  lock  up.  The  men  pleaded 
poverty,  and  requested  time  to  pay ;  but  neither  plea  nor  request  would 
Justice,  as  personified  by  worthy  MR.  BALLENY,  stoop  in  its  unbending 
uprightness  to  listen  to.  Having  the  bandage  of  self-interest  on  its 
eyes,  Justice  could  not  see  extenuation  or  excuse.  So  the  men  were 
kept  in  custody  until  the  hat  had  been  sent  round  for  them,  and  their 
neighbours,  from  the  pence  they  had  been  weeks  perhaps  in  saving, 
had  raised  the  pounds  for  payment  of  the  Great  Unpaid. 

It  was  remarked  by  the  Court,  in  its  reviewal  of  the  evidence,  that— 

"  One  of  the  men  had  said,  and  there  was  nothing  to  show  that  it  was  not  true* 
that  his  whole  offence  consisted  in  his  desire  to  shoot  a  valueless  rabbit,  which  be 
wished  to  give  as  food  to  his  sick  wife."  i 

llabbits  valued  by  their  owner  at  two  sovereigns  a-piece  cannot  well, 
we  fancy,  be  looked  upon  as  "  valueless ; "  but  the  Court  clearly  held  that 
there  was  some  extenuation  in  the  fact  of  a  poor  man  seeking  food  for 
his  s_ick  wife,  albeit  in  the  Game  preserves  of  his  rich  neighbours.  Ne- 
cessity, no  doubt,  is  a  rather  loose  logician ;  and  the  reasons  for 
abstaining  to  procure  his  wife  a  dinner,  will  not  be  closely  argued  by  a 
man  who  is  in  search  of  one.  However  much  he  be  disposed  to  reve- 
rence the  Game  LawSj  there  are  times  when  his  hunger  gets  the  better 
of  his  judgment,  and  when  in  the  cravings  of  his  nature  he  forgets  the 
existence  of  an  Act  of  Parliament.  Even  the  best  educated  would 
find  it  hard  to  reason  closely  on  an  empty  stomach  ;  and  where  distress 
is  backed  by  igMrance  and  sluggish  mental  faculties,  the  causes  for 
abstaining  from  infringement  of  the  law  are  still  less  likely,  we  opine, 
to  prove  sufficiently  deterrent. 

But  however  much  we  may  approve  the  sternness  of  the  sentence 
which  was  passed  on  MR.  BALLENY,  we  cannot  help  regarding  him  in 
some  sort  as  a  martyr.  It  is  an  especially  marked  attribute  of  the 
Game  Law  that  it  touches  nothing  which'  it  does  not  dishonour. 
MR.  BALLENY'S  injustice  was  no  doubt  mainly  the  result  of  the  injustice 
of  the  law  which  he  was  called  on  to  administer,  and,  in  pocketing 
himself  the  fines  which  he  imposed,  he  merely  put  in  practice  and 
reduced  to  personal  application  the  principle— or  want  of  it — on  which 
tlie  law  is  founded.  The  Game  Law  is  entirely  a  one-sided  institution: 
Of  all  protective  ordinances  it  is  the  most  selfish.  Being  instituted 
solely  for  the  game-preservers'  benefit,  the  spirit  of  the  act  is  to  a 
surety  carried  out  by  their  having  the  dispensing  of  it.  Self-preser- 
vation is  the  first  and  strongest  law  of  the  preserver's  nature;  and  in 
dealing  with  a  poacher  over  whom  he  sits  in  judgment,  the  only  tiling 
he  thinks  of  is  his  own  protection.  From  viewing  the  law  solely  as  a 
personal  convenience,  by  no  great  stretch  of  mental  eyesight  he  gets  to 
view  the  fines  he  has  the  power  to  impose,  in  the  light  of  being  personal 
indemnities  for  loss,  and  conceives,  like  MR.  BALLENY,  that  'he  is 
authorised  to  pocket  them. 

But  we  must  repeat,  that  we  regard  this  sufferer  in  some  sort  as 
deserving  of  our  sympathy.  There  must  be  made  allowance  for  the 
strength  of  the  temptation  to  which  he  was  exposed,  and  for  the 
demoralising  influence  of  the  law  he  was  administering.  The  Judge 
who  sentenced  him  commented  sternly  on  the  fact  that  he  had  sat  in 
judgment  as  an  interested  person.  " The  policemen  did  wrong"  said 
ME.  JUSTICE  COLERIDGE — 

"  In  bringing  before  a  Magistrate  two  persons  chirped  with  an  offence  on  his  own 
property;  and  the  obvious  course  for  the  Magistrate  was  to  have  dismissed  the 
officers  with  a  rebuke,  and  have  ordered  them  to  take  the  poachers  before  some 
other  and  disinterested  person." 

Yes,  obviously  this  would  have  been  the  juster  course  :  but  in  dealing 
with  a  poacher,  pray  where  is  a  disinterested  Justice  to  be  found  ?  As 
well  expect  a  cabman  to  give  you  an  unbiassed  estimate  of  distance,  as 
expectja  country  Magistrate  to  administer  unbiassed  justice  in  a  game 
case.  No  matter  whether  the  offence  be  committed  on  their  own  or 
another  person's  property,  preservers  have  a  natural  antipathy  to 
poachers,  and  are  leagued  m  common  cause  to  compass  their  extermi- 
nation. Wherever  a  bird  falls  or  a  rabbit  is  "  picked  up,"  the  legal 
preserver  considers  himself  injured  by  the  illegal  destroyer,  and  having 
the  law  in  his  own  hands,  will  not  hold  them  from  dispensing  it.  Be- 
long as  England  " boasts"  of  its  unpaid  gentry  Justices,  so  long  will 
biassed  sentences  continue  to  be  passed,  and  the  temptation  to  wrong- 
doing such  as  MR.  BALLENY'S  exist.  As  the  law  is  now  administered, 
full  preserves  inevitably  make  full  prisons.  Peasants  become  gaol-birds 
through  the  keeping  up  of  pheasants:  and  what  is  sport  to  country 
gentlemen  is  moral  death  to  numbers  of  their  poorer  neighbours.  The 


DECEMBEK  5,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


229 


fiamo  l/iwlieini;  an  ancient  institution  and  of  course  regarded  as  a 
Bulwark  of  tin:  Slat  e,  it,  will  be  found,  (as  all  these  ancient  ones  die 
hard,)  that  there  will  be  no  easy  work  to  make  it  a  dead  letter.  But 
a-,  auj tiling  ilnii  i  nds  to  bring  it  into  disrepute  also  tends  to  bring  us 
!  :  ftrer  in  its  annihilation,  we  think  the  country  is  indebted  to  i 
of  MK.  I'PM.I.KNY,  whose  overstepping  of  the  law  we  regard  as  a  right 
i  he  direction  to  remove  it. 


THE    NOSE    A    TEST    OF    COLOUR. 

EALLY  we  fancy  thai  tin- 
Nose  has  a  sense  of  colour. 
It.  must  be  endowed  with 
some  faculty  of  the  kind,  for  i 
there  is  no  other  feature  that ! 
.  s  so  lively  a  sensibility 
in  the  various  gradations  of 
eulcmr.  It  changes,  too,  ac- 
cording to  the  seasons.  In 
summer,  it  is  a  delicate  red  | 
colour ;  in  winter,  as  if  to 
compensate  us  for  the  loss  of 
the  I'ug-eraped  heavens,  the 
nostrils  shine  out  with  a  beaii- 
tii'ul  pale  blue.  We  have  seen 
a  nose  almost  turn  black, 
when  a  bungling  servant  has 
spilt  some  turtle  donn  the 
neck  (it  its  proprietors  coat. 
At  other  times,  we  have  ilis- 
coveri  I  green 

settle  on   the   ii:-.sai  lips  of 
certain  elderly  ladies,  when 
have  been    more  thun 
usually  jealous  of  the  success  I 
of  a  younger  rival.    Crimson 
tints,  we  believe,  are  common 
enough  on   clerical   counte- 1 
nances  in  cathedral   towns,  I 
and    other    luminaries    who 
are  apt  to  moisten  their  argu- 
ments with  plenty  of  port 
wine. 

Moreover.lhave  not  all  of 
us  noticed,   when  a  person 
has  received  an  unexpected  coin  from  a  miser,  or  a  skin-flint,  or  a 

Eractised  jnomise-breaker,  or  an  accomplished  swindler,  how  carefully 
e  approaches  it  to  his  nostrils,  as  though  he  were  anjious,  not  [merely 
to  see  the  colour  of  the  gentleman's  money,  but  to  insuiiF  the  smell  of 
it  also?  We  have  observed  the  same  peculiarity  in  picture-buyers. 
They  seem  to  rub  their  noses  almost  against  the  canvas.  The  same 
forwardness  is  displayed  by  young  gentlemen,  when  a  pretty  young 
lady  is  introduced  to  their  notice.  The  way  in  which  they  thrust 
their  noses  vulgarly  forward.Jis  clearly  done  "to  enableithem  to  test 
the  colour  of  her  eyes. 


ANOTHER  PARISIAN  EMBELLISHMENT. 

A  CoRREsimiJENT,  on  whose  veracity  we  can  generally  place  the 
greatest  reliance,  has  just  written  over  to  us  to  say,  that  he  has  seen  a 
pretty  woman  in  Paris  ! ! !  * 

«  On  reflection,  tlio  above  fact  soemed  to  us  so  incredible,  that  wo  thought  it  onr 
duty  to  inquire,  into  the  truth  of  it.  Accordingly,  we  lost  no  time  in  sending  a 
telegraphic  despatch  to  Paris,  and  this  is  the  TELEGRAM  \re  have  received  In 
answer : 

"  NIMVII  ancu !  Itisquite  true  !  I  A  pretty  woman  was  seen  this  morning  at 
S  in.  t.>  It',  cm  the  Boulevards,  at  the  corner  of  the  RueMuntorgueuil. 

1  The  whole  tuwn  has  since  been  in  a  state  of  tmeute. 

"  The  erowd  is  tremenii..u*. 

"  The  military  are  ordered  out.  "(Signed)  Cowt«y." 

SECOND  TF.LEORAM  (j'onr  houniater). 

"  The  pretty  w^mun  lias  left. 

"  Order  reigns  again  in  Paris.  "(Signed)  COVUY." 

THIRD  TKI.KORAM  (.lire  mimtta  afiincanlf). 

"  I  have  left  our  the  must  important  fact. 

"  The  pretty  woman  was  an  Engluhwoman  !  !  !         "  (Signed)          COWLI  v  " 


Cultivation  of  the  Pair. 

Or  late  years  the  Pair  has  been  remarkable  for  its  slow  growth. 
While  in  India  it  reaches  maturity  early  in  the  spring,  it  is  often  the 
latter  end  of  summer  before  it  can  be  forced  in  the  hothouses  of 
Bclgravia.  The  Pair  requires  warmth,  and  should  be  carefully  watched. 
A  little  gold-dust  sprinkled  over  the  younger  branches  will  'frequently 
produce  a  very  nice  Pair. 


A  GARLAND  OF  WIT. 

THE  Editor  of  the  Paris  Fi/jaro  has  commenced  (we  learn  from  the 
Globe)  a  series  of  hebdomadal  dinners,  for  the  easier  aecunmlation  of 
v,  ill iei.-ms  to  admn  his  lively  journal.  His  plan  is  to  invite  anybody 
it  social  standing,  and  the  invited  guest  is  to  pay,  as  the  price 
of  his  ticket,  ten  francs  and  one  new  boa  mot.  The  plan  answers  won- 
derfully, and  several  English  dramatic  authors  have  clubbed  to  take  u 
cony  of  Figaro,  and  divide  the  jokes  as  honestly  as  their  temperaments 
will  permit. 

The  Editor  of  the  Saturday  Review,  being  equally  alive  to  the 
ice  of  getting  some  little  liveliness  into  his  pages,  has,  we  under- 
stand, adopted  the  same  course,  and  with  even  moie  marked  result*. 
He  has  commenced  a  series  of  tripe  suppers  to  his  contributors,  which 
are  generously  given  gratis,  but  each  guest  must  bring  a  joke.  Thl 
result  has  been,  that  the  Review  sparkles  with  sudden  brilliancy.  \Ve 
are  permitted  to  mention  that  at  the  first  supper,  the  following 
delicious  things  were  said  by  some  of  the  party  :— 

.I//-,  foozle.  I  have  lately  been  reading  some  light  literature,  bill  was 
glad  to  a-light  from  that  Pegasus. 

Mr.  Knmbleby.  I  suppose  that  you  .vreie  not  in  the  je&e-ular 
vein.  (Great  ojinlame.) 

Mr.  Kibbles.  Vain,  Sir!    I 'hope  there's  no  vanity  here. 

Mi-.  Bvmptious.  Ha!  ha!  fair— in  fact  Vanity  fair. 

Mr.  tSimblet.  Talking  of  fair,  give  me  the  wing  of  that,  fowl.  (Loud 
applause,  and  the  speaker's  salary  increased  on  the  spot.) 

.I//-,  ISonassua.  I've  got  the  liver-wing,  but  the  joke  sticks  in  my 
gizzard.  (Murmurs.) 

Mr.  Foozle.  Another  supper  joke  from  me  would  be  a  work  of  supper- 
rogation.  (Not  understood.) 

Mr.  Nibbles.  Ah,  FOOZLE,  if  you  could  entmp  a  book  as  well  as  you 
do  a  bird ! 

Foozle.  None  of  your  ill-bread  sauce,  thank  you. 

Mr.  Bumptious  (sonorously).  I  believe  that  very  few  books  are 
written  to  be  read. 

Mr.GimbM.  Surely  the  Bed  Book  is.  (Cheers  for  five  minute*.') 

3/r.  BOMHOVS.  Waiter,  a  servicttn.  (TAc  icaUer  Jusni-^ -uica*  /*- 
gentleman  Mtf,ii  iioafKSllf^i  \cuui  lie  wanted).  Ah,  I  mean  nil  assiett'e. 

Mr.  Nibbles.  Your  French  is  queer— as  yet.     (Murmttrs.) 

Mr.  Buinhleby.  Well,  1  think  we've  all  earned  our  supper,  so  suppose 
we  leave  off  sparkling — 

Mr,  Foozle  (iHcxhautlille).  And  take  to  still—  champagne,  eh? 

Everybody  (eagerly).  Sham  pain  to  onr  real  friends,  and  real  pain  to 
our  &c.,  &c.,  &c.  (Roars  of  laughter  and  applause}. 

It  is  not  always  that  the  borrowing  a  Trench  hint  leads  to  so  satis- 
factory .a  result,  but  the  improved  tone  and  sportive  liveliness  now 
characteristic  of  the  Saturday  Review  completely  justify  the  bold  expe- 
riment of  its  conductors.  Any  assistance  Mr.  Punch  can  render  to  his 
generous  and  enterprising  contemporary  shall  be  heartily  at  his  service. 


LADIES'  SCORES  AT  LINENDRAPERS'  SHOPS. 

IN  RE  a  fast,  young  lady,  who  figured  the  other  day  in  the  Insolvent 
Court,  the  following  dialogue  took  place  between  MR.  OmmmoNEB 
PHILLIPS  and  MR.  BUCK,  a  silk  mercer,  one  of  the  opposing  creditors. 
MR.  BUCK  having  stated  that  the  insolvent  had  paid  him  nothing  biuce 
he  gave  her  credit : — 

"  MK.  COMMISSIONER  PHILLIPS  thought  MK.  BUCK  should  have  stopped  his  hand 
when  the  Brst  quarter  w«s  not  paid. 

"MR.  BUCK  said  that  if  he  adopted  such  a  system  with  ladies  who  appeared 
respectable,  he  could  not,  nor  could  other  tradesmen,  go  on. 

••  MR.  COMMISSIONER  PHILLIPS  did  not  know  about  going  on,  but  he  apprehended 
it  would  be  the  best  course  to  adopt." 

The'law  reallylought  to  come  to  the  assistance  of  MR.  BUCK,  and 
other  tradesmen  of  his  unfortunatelclass,  and  enable  them  to  "  go  on  " 
without  'letting  themselves  in  for  bad  debts  incurred  by  extr : 
ladies.  We  think  there  is  a  law  which  renders  a  pot-house  keeper 
unable  to  recover  from  a  sot  the  value  of  liquor  consumed  in  t  ipph'ng. 
Let  a  similar  statute  be  enacted  with  reference  to  the  parties  who 
minister  to  the  intoxication  of  female  vanity.  It  would  then  be 
necessary  that  all  payments  for  finery  should  be  made  in  ready  money : 
thus,  linendrapers  would  be  secured  from  bad  debts,  ladies  prevented 
from  getting  iuto  trouble,  and  husbands  would  not  find  every  now  and 
then  that  they  had  bills  to  discharge  which  they  never  dreamt  of;  so 
that  all  parties  would  "go  on"  much  better  than  they  do  now  ;  w  Inn 
the  linendrsper  goes  on  to  bankruptcy,  and  the  customer,  or  the 
customer's  husband,  to  Portugal -Street  or  the  workhouse. 


WOULD  You  '>. — A  llevrrend  naturalist  named  Wrof>D  has  written  a 
very  pretty  book,  called  My  Feathered  Friends.  It  has  had  such  success 
in  America,  that  an  Abolitionist  Missionary  hae  pirated  the  title,  and 
issued  My  Tarred  and  Feathered  friends. 


230 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  5,  1857. 


PLEASANT    FOR    "CHARLES    DEAR." 

Named  Sister.  "  OH,  CHARLES  DEAR  !   NURSE  is  NOT  VERY  WELL,  AND  AS  I  MUST  STAY  WITH  BABY,  WOULD  YOU  TAKE  FREDDY 

AND   THE   TWO  LITTLE   OxES  FOR  A  WALK,   ONLY   CAEHY   THEM   OVEK  THE   CROSSINGS,   THAT  *S   A  DEAR  !  " 


THE  CADGER'S  MONEY  MARKET. 

THE  tightness  in  the  City  has  rather  seriously  affected  the  mendicant 
interests. 

Children  in  arms  excited  little  attention ;  notwithstanding  that  they 
were  hardly  pinched,  and  made  a  proportionate  noise. 

There  has  been  an  almost  entire  absence  of  quotations  among  the 
preaching  and  psalm-singing  speculators  in  white  aprons. 

Little  or  no  business  has  been  transacted  on  flagstones,  in  Ecee 
Hornos  and  Mackerels,  and  the  state  of  the  weather  having  rendered  it 
almost  impossible  for  operators  with  coloured  chalks  to  draw  upon  the 
pavement,  altogether  precludes  the  possibility  of  quoting  figures. 

Sham  Abrahams  met  with  small  encouragement ;  and  Epileptics 
were  neglected. 

Dropped  Lucifers  were  at  a  discount ;  but  cripples  were  brisk/owing 
to  an  advance  of  Peelers. 

Poor  Blinds  were  apparently  looking  up ;  but  the  movement  was 
deceptive.  Lascars  commanded  little  interest,  owing  to  the  Indian 
Mutiny,  Irish  were  heavy,  and  Chinese  Impostors  flat. 

A  few  old  gentlemen  were  done  at  some  of  the  crossings  at  from  k/. 
to  id. 


GREAT   BELIEF   OP   SUFFERING. 

[ADVERTISEMENT.] 

THREE   WEEKS  OF   INDESCRIBABLE   AGONY,   heartbreaking 
•ess,  feeling!)  of.lnktng,  alarm,  and  terror,  oppression  and  tightness  of  the 
chest,  shaking  and  convulsions,  horrible  nightmare,  frightful  visions  gloomy  fore- 
bodings, increasing  incapacity  lor  any  kind  of  business,  and  a  threatening  break-up 
•  whole  system.-MARiA  JOLLY  MOTHH.BAKK,  Threadneedle  Street,  London, 
n i  completely  cured  of  the  above  symptoms   by  the  delicious  PAPYRUS 
„,«  JT  '  ^.™'mster<?d  by  PALMERSTON  AND  Co.    This  invaluable  article 
f  diet  acts  so  beneficially  on  the  constitution  as  to  arrest  the  most  dangerous  dis 
order,  to  restore  it,  pristine  soundness,  and  renew  a  healthy  circulation,  recourse 
being  required  to  No  BILLS,  or  ANT  OTHER  MEDICINE.    The  Use  of  Gold    u  a  oreat 
measure  superseded  by  this  remedy,  which  acts  as  a  universal  so  ven       PrqSrrt 
and  imied  at  the  Bank  of  England,  by  authority  of  PALMBMTOS  AND  Co.   Downing 
Street,  and  to  be  obiamci  at  all  respectable  Establishments  in  Town  and  Country 


CLERICAL  FIDDLERS. 

OUR  attention  has  been  called  to  the  following  advertisement  in  the 
Guardian  of  the  llth  ultimo,  by  a  friend  of  ours,  who  is  himself  a 
Curate  out  of  place,  a  violinist  and  violoncellist. 

WANTED  A  CURATE,  near  Town,  unmarried,  of  good  address,  who 
"    takes  an  interest  in  schools,  and  can  accompany  with  the  violin  or  violoncello 
the  pianoforte..    Stipend,  £100.     Duty  not  heavy.    Address,  EEV.  M.  A.,  &c. 

The  following  reply  was  posted  on  the  22nd  ultimo  :— 

"REVEHEXD  SIR, 

"  PERMIT  me  to  reply  to  your  advertisement,  and  to  enume- 
rate my  qualifications  seriatim,  according  to  its  requirements. 

"lam 'unmarried;'  but  allow  me  to  add— what  1  judge  from  the 
tenor  of  your  annonce  will  be  no  disqualification— I  am  by  no  means 
indisposed  to  change  my  condition. 

"  '  Of  good  address.'  My  native  modesty  forbids  me  to  dwell  on 
this  requirement ;  but  the  silver  teapot  now  before  me,  presented  by 
the  fair  district  visitors  of  my  last  cure,  inspires  me  with  the  hope 
that  I  am  not  altogether  devoid  of  those  softer  adjuncts  of  humanity, 
which  appertain  to  the  youthful  adherents  of  our  school ;  since  I 
venture  to  presume  you  are,  like  myself,  strictly  Tractarian. 

'  Takes  an  interest  in  schools.'  Where  the  schools  are  visited  by 
ladies,  which  I  cannot  doubt  is  the  case  in  the  present  instance,  I  beg 
to^say  my  interest  in  those  establishments  is  intense. 

1  And  can  accompany,'  &e.  As  a  pupil  of  VENTBE-CHAT  fils, 
I  need  perhaps  scarcely  say  the  quivering  string  obeys  my  plectrum. 
I  am  a  devotee  at  the  shrine  of  CREMONA  ;  and  beg  to  add  that  I 
should  consider  no  amount  of  '  duty '  of  this  description  as  '  heavy.' 

"  Thus,  Reverend  Sir,  I  think  I  may  be  permitted  to  say  I  can  fulfil 
all  the  requirements  detailed  by  you  as  necessary  to  entitle  me  to  a 
place  in  your  pulpit  and  parish,  and  am,  &c., 

"REVEREND  PIDICEN." 

"P.S.  Please  send  photograph  of  the  fair  accompanyist." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— DECEMBER  5,  1857. 


THE    FAMILY    DOCTOR. 

OLD  LADY  OF  THKEADSEEDLE  STREET.  "  THEY  MAT  SAY  WHAT  THEY  LIKE,  BUT  YOU  'RE  THE  ONLY 

MAN  AS  DID  ME  ANY  GOOD." 


DECEMBER  5,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


233 


PHOTOGRAPHIC  TRUTH. 

SKETCHED     FROM     A    CASE     OF    SPECIMENS. 


TO  MY  MURRAY. 
AUTUMN,  1857. 

THE  wind  and  tide  have  brought  us  fast, 
The  Custom  House  is  well  nigh  past, 
Alas !  that  this  should  be  the  last ; 

My  Murray. 

The  spirits  in  my  ilask  grew  low, 
Mine  sinking  too,  I  rushed  below. 
And  in  despair  cried,  "  Steward,  ho ! " 
My  Murray. 

But  once  on  shore,  my  troubles  end, 
Sights,  sounds,  no  longer  me  offend, 
I  clap  thee  on  the  back,  my  friend ! 

My  Murray. 

My  classics,  once  a  shining  store, 
For  thee  put  by  this  month  or  more, 
Now  rust  disused  ;md  shine  no  more, 
My  Murray. 

So  well  thoiv  'st  played  the  hand-book's  part, 
For  inns  a  hint,  for  routes  a  chart, 
That  every  line  I  've  got  by  heart, 

My  Murray. 

And  though  thou  gladly  wouldst  fulfil 
The  same  kind  oilioe  for  me  still, 
My  purse  now  seconds  not  my  will, 

My  Murray. 

Thy  shabby  sides  once  crimson  bright 
\rc  quite  as  lovely  in  my  sight, 
As  mountains  bullied  in  roseate  light, 
My  Murray. 

For  should  I  view  them  without  thee, 
What,  sights  worth  seeing  could  I  see, 
The  llhine  would  run  in  vain  for  me, 
My  Murray. 

Companion  of  my  glad  ascent, 
Mont  Blanc  I  did  with  thy  consent, 
And  saw  wide-spread  the  Continent, 

My  Murray. 

Once  I  could  scarce  walk  up  the  Strand, 
What  Jungfrau  now  could  us  withstand, 
When  we  are  walking  hand  in  hand, 

My  Murray. 

But  ah !  too  well  some  folk  I  know, 
Who  friends  on  dusty  shelves  do  throw, — 
With  us  it  never  shall  be  so. 

My  Murray. 


A    LADY    AND    A    JUDGE. 

"  DEAR  MR,  PUNCH, 

"  1  in  a  Wife,  and  not  in  the  least  likely  t.o  be  divorced, 
having  a  separate  settled  income  of  my  own,  which  I  allow  my 
husband  (who  is  a  tolerably  good  boy  as  times  go)  to  spend  for  me. 
Therefore  I  am  not  personally  interested  iu  the  subject  on  which  I 
address  you. 

"But,  my  dear  soul,  what  on  earth  do  they  mean  by  appointing 
Mii.  .li  STH  i:  (,'KKSMVKLL  to  be  the  head  of  the  new  Divorce  Court? 
I  think  that  in  all  my  life  I  never  heard  anything  so  preposterously 
ridiculous. 

"  Do  you  know,  but  of  course  you  do.  that  Mu.  JrsiifK  CRESSWELL 
has  had  the  had  taste  to  remain  single  all  his  life.  That  he  is,  in 
fact,  a  bachelor.  And  this  is  the  gentleman  whom  you  lords  of 
creation  purpose  to  appoint  as  the  judge  of  matrimonial  differences. 
I  would  not  at  first  believe  that  such  a  proposition  could  be  seriously 
made,  1)'  >:md  took  me  into  the  Vice-Chancellor's  Court  the 

other  day,  and  there  I  saw  MR.  CKKSMVEI.L  as  calmly  as  possible 
hearing«quesl  ion  in'mariiage  law,  to  break  himself  in,  1  suppose,  for  his 
new  duties.  Oh,  it's  all  settled  of  course,  and  ajprotest  comes  too  late. 

"Now,  in  the  name  of  gracious,  what  can  a  bachelor* know  about 
matrimonial  quarrels.  Perhaps,  being  a  bachelor,  he  dislikes  women, 
or  has  remained  unmarried  because  married  men  who  ought  to  have 
known  better  or  have  had  more  pride,  have  described  their  condition  as 
uncomfortable.  Pretty  kind  of  justice  we  are  likely  to  get  from  such 
a  Judge  as  that.  L should  not  be  at  all  surprised  if  he  gave  a  brute 
of  a  man  a  divorce  from  his  wife  for  the  most  trumpery  causes.  Sup- 

Eshe  should  not  air  his  newspaper,  or  should  mislay  his  slippers 
Igh  the  ungrateful  fellow  never  remembers  that  she  worked  out 
>oor  eyes  making  them),  or  should  give  liim  weaker  coffee  than 
ray  lord  likes,  or  should  have  a  headache  and  not  come  down  to  pour 
out  his  breakfast  (though  some  brutes  like  their  rubbishy  newspaper 
and  sulky  breakfast  alone),  or  should  forget  to  tell  him  of  a-  bill  to  be 
paid  uut  il  t  he  man's  in  the  hall,  or  should  go  out  and  forget  to  leave  the 
keys  and  the  pig  can't  get  at  his  whiskey-bottle,  or  should  ask  him  for 
anew  dress  when  he  has  been  losing  his  money  at  Doncaster,  or  should 
like  to  have  her  relations  in  the  house  (and  what  is  more  natural  ?), 
or  should  iu  fact  commit  any  of  the  little  offences  about  which  you  all 
make  such  a  fuss. 

"  Well,  a  married  judge  would  know  that  they  are  the  common  lot  of 
married  people,  that  accidents  will  [happen,  that  we  must  take  the 
sours  witn  the  sweets.'and  that  a  woman  who  has  condescended  to  marry 
a  man  and  look  after  his  interests,  is  not  to  be  nagged  and  irritated 
and  found  fault  with  for  every  slight  offence  agsinst  his  majesty.  But 
a  bachelor,  especially  if  he  has  been  talked  at  by  married  men  (who 
will  scoff  at  matrimony  like  anything,  and  yet  would  as  soon  part  with 
their  heads  as  their  wives),  I  say  what  does  he  know  about 
forbearing  and  putting  up  with  things?  Perhaps  he  has  lived 
in  chambers,  with  a  sycophant  valet  and  a  terrified  laundress, 
and  has  been  accustomed  to  find  every  pin  that  he  has  laid  down  left 
iu  the  same  place.  He  expects  that  a  wife  is  to  let  things  alone,  and 
be  afraid  to  disarrange  his  tables  and  books,  I  dare  say  indeed,  and  I 
should  like  to  know  how  they  are  to  be  kept  from  the  dust,  and  besides, 
who  has  a  better  right. — [Our  fair  Correspondent  here  departs  so  utterly 
from  her  argument,  and  wanders  into  such  a  general  survey  of  relative 
duties,  that  we  have  reluctantly  cut  away  four  pages  of  very  instructive 
matter.'] 

"Then,  my  dear  creature,  having  shown  you  that  a  bachelor  judge 
is  unfit  for  such  business,  there  is  another  thing.  MR.  CRESSWELL  is. 
specially  unfit  to  decide  on  our  cases,  from  his  own  particular  habits. 
DAVID  (my  husband)  asks  a  good  many  lawyers  to  our  house — at  least 
they  call  themselves  so,  though  I  never  see  their  names  in  the  papers — 
and  they  tell  us  a  good  deal  about  the  judges,  and  what  goes  on.  They 
all  speak  very  highly  of  MR.  CHESSWELL,  and  say  that  he  and  another 
judge  (is  his  name  EARL?)  are  the  only  two  who  treat  what  they  call 
juniors  with  kindness  and  courtesy.  That  may  be  all  very  proper.  But  it 
seems  that  MR.  CRESSWELL  likes  making  short  work,  and  hates  long  talk 
and  palaver,  and  so  do  I,  and  gracious  knows  that  I  never  use  more  words 
than  are  necessary  to  make  a  person  understand  a  thing,  but  some 
people  are  stupid  and  then  yon  must  say  a  thing  over  and  over  again 
or  it  is  not  impressed  upon  their  minds ;  and  the  proof  that  it  is  so  is 
their  giving  way,  which  husbands  won't  see,  but,  while  they  hold  out, 
they  accuse  their  wives  of  going  on  talking  in  a  circle ;  but  as  I  was 
saying,  he  cuts  things  short.  The  other  day  (it  has  never  been  pub- 
lished,  but  it's  quite  correct)  there  was  a  slanderous  case,  a  man  had 
been  assailing  a  woman's  character,  unjustly,  and  it  had  been  argued 
all  day,  and  at  last  it  came  to  him  to— what  do  they  call  it— do  his 
Sum  up.  All  the  counsel  were  prepared  with  their  note-taking,  and. 
the  reporters  all  attentive,  and  everybody  silent,  and  what  then  ?  The 
Judge  waited  to  see  that  all  the  court  was  watching,  then  looked  at 
the  jury,  and  said  :— 

"  Z*fend»Bt'«  a  faul-mouthed.follow-whmtdmmagMj* 
"  Now,  Mr.  Punch,  I  say  that  a  Judge  who  ties  up  a  whole  case  as 


PUNCH,   OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [DECEMBER  5,  1857. 


in  such  a  parcel  as  that,  is  unfit  to  sit  in  judgment  on  a  woman,    He  would  have 
'    for  her  eloquence,  and  would  very  likely  call  it  nagging,  and  glve  the  brute  who 


C°«  PSoT  holwm-Sk  them  to  give  ME.  CKBSSWELL  some  other  honour,  which,  apart 
from  the  delects  1  have  mentioned,  1  believe  he  well  deserves,  and  obbge 

"  Your  faithful  admirer,  JANE  ISABELLA  SMITH." 


SPITE. 
Miss  Slimly.  "  Do  you  l-»ow,  Sear,  I  was  asked  (lie  other  day  tfytu  were  my  Mamma  /" 


THE    FORTIFICATIONS    OF    CHELSEA. 

THANKS  to  the  Univers.  That  enlightened,  well-informed,  and  unprejudiced  'print  has 
unmasked  a  nefarious  design  of  LORD  PALMEKSTON  upon  which  Mr.  Punch  in  his  turn  hastens 
to  call  down  the  indignation  of  the  country.  Early  last  week  the  Uaivers  announced— 

"  England  is  armiug  everywhere.  SHE  is  ABOUT  TO  SPEND  HALF  A  MILLION  IN  THE  FORTIFICATION  OF— 
CHELSEA." 

It  is  too  true.  The  moment  we  read  it  we  despatched  a  note  by  an  express  boy  to  LORD 
PALMERSTOH,  demanding  an  explanation.  The  miserable  boy,  wishing  to  ride  home,  got  into 
a  General  Omnibus,  and  arrived  late  at  night,  and  nearly  starved.  But  we  had  not  waited 
during  that  incredible  period.  We  had  dashed  down  to  Chelsea  to  examine  whether  lines 
were  oeing  traced,  guns  mounted,  or  ditches  cut.  And  we  had  scarcely  got  to  Cadogan  Pier 
when  the  whole  terrible  scheme  of  fortifications  became  visible.  A  fearlul  job  is  in  contem- 
plation. As  calmly  as  we  can,  we  will  tell  the  nation  (still  mindful. of  the  Maitello  Towers) 
what  profligate  expenditure  of  its  money  is  about  to  be  made. 

The  river  Thames  is  to  be  diverted  from  its  course  at  Battersea  Park  Bridge,  and  is  to  be 
carried  round  the  new  park,  and  out  at  the  Old  Swan  pier.  A  strong  fort  is  to  be  raised 
on  the  ground  that  will  thus  be  vacated,  and  is  to  be  armed  with  the  long  Egyptian  gun 
and  the  great  mortar  at  present  in  ST.  JAMES'S  Park.  Cremorne  Gardens  are  to  be  cut  up 
for  barracks,  MR.  SIMPSON  receiving  a  pension  of  £1000  for  three  lives,  namely  his  own,  the 
hermit's,  and  the  head-waiter's,  and  his  rifles  and  targets  are  taken  at  a  valuation.  The  fort 
is  to  be  manned  by  the  Chelsea  Collegians.  The  Grand  Junction  Water-works  have  signed  a 
contract  to  lay  the  whole  district  from  Sloane  Street  to  the  World's  End  under  water  at  five- 
and-twenty  minutes'  notice.  All  the  barges  in  front  of  Cheyne  Walk  have  been  bought,  and 
are  being  "fitted  up  as  gun-boats,  and  swivel-guns  command  the  passage  and  public  houses 
as  yon  go  towards  Queen's  Road.  The  upper  part  of  the  goody-goody  shop  near  this  point  is 
to  be  rebuilt  as  a  residence  for  the  Governor,  but  until  any  invasion  occurs  the  juvenile 
population  will  be  permitted  to  purchase  bullseyes  and  Albert-toffy  as  at  present.  The  church 
tower  is  being  made  an  observatory,  whence  to  watch  an  invading  enemy,  but  the  Latin 
inscription  on  the  monument  outside  is  to  be  kept  up,  because  nobody  ever  yet  got  through 
it.  We  regret  to  add,  that  one  whom  we  believed  a  patriot,  the  WISCOUNT  op  LAMBETH,  is 
moving  heaven  and  earth  and  LORD  PANMURE  to  get  himself  made  Governor  of  the  Fort. 

Such  is  the  atrocity  which  the  faithful  Waivers  has  unveiled,  and  though  LORD  PALMEE- 
STOX'S  gold,  lavished  upon  one  of  the  Editors,  bribed  him  to  endeavour  a  few  days  later  to 
suppress  the  information,  by  alleging  that  when  the  Unicers  said  CHELSEA,  it  meant  PORTSEA, 
the  contemptible  stratagem  has  had  no  avail.  Paris  believing,  and  justly,  that  Chelsea  is  to 
be  made  a  Vincennes,  and  Punch  calls  upon  Parliament  to  prevent  so  abominable  a  scheme. 


BULL-DOGS  AND  KETRIEVEKS. 

THE  fame  of  England  is  redeemed 

By  Indian  triumphs  won, 
The  vapours  are  dispersed,  which  seemed 

Awhile  to  cloud  her  sun. 
The  laurels,  that  were  somewhat  nipped 

Amid  Crimean  frost, 
Of  a  few  leaves  if  they  were  stripped, 

Bear  loads  for  handfuls  lost. 

And  yet  on  llussian  ground  was  shown 

What  British  warriors  can, 
By  hosts  in  Alma's  fight  o'erthrown, 

Repulsed  at  Inkermann. 
Right  well  our  soldiers  did  behave, 

And,  let  the  truth  be  said, 
Their  chiefs  approved  themselves  as  brave 

As  those  they  should  have  led. 

With  valour  burning  in  their  veins, 

And  flaming  in  each  breast, 
Undauntedly  they  risked  the  brains 

Of  which  they  were  possessed ; 
And  if  those  brains  had  been  knocked  out 

By  bullet,  shell,  or  ball, 
Save  to  the  owner,  it  is  thought 

The  loss  would  have  been  small. 

Yet  let  us  not  forget  what  foe 

They  had  to  cope  with  then; 
The  rascal,  NANA  SAHIB  's  no 

Such  man  as  TODTLEBEN. 
Perchance  they  were  not  over-wise ; 

Yet  this  there  is  to  say, 
That  second  fiddle  to  Allies 

Our  leaders  had  to  play. 

All  whereon  Candour  can  insist 

Although  we  may  admit, 
Still,  that  which  noble  lords  have  missfcd, 

Have  common  generals  hit ; 
Reward  must  correspond  to  deed, 

At  any  rate  this  once. 
The  scholar,  by  a  higher  meed, 

Distinguish  from  the  dunce. 


HOOKIE'  MAC  WALKER'S 
CONSCIENCE. 

OF  all  cases  of  "  Conscience  Money "  ever 
recorded  in  the  Times  within  our  memory,  the 
following  is  the  most  wonderful : — 

"  The  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  acknowledges 
the  remaining  halves  of  Bank-notes  amounting  to  £30,  on 
account  of  unpaid  Income  Tax  from  'Highlander.'  " 

Fancy  ROB  Roy,  if  that  worthy  were  still  in 
existence,  sending  the  Government  a  lot  of  money 
on  account  of  unpaid  Income-tax  due  upon  black 
mail!  It  is  not,  perhaps,  quite  impossible  to 
conceive  ROB  to  have  been  capable  of  such  a 
freak  of  romantic  and  inconsistent  conscientious- 
ness, but  that  DONALD  of  the  present  day  could 
dream  of  paying  any  tax  of  any  kind  unneces- 
sarily, is  altogether  incredible.  Nobody  in  the 
world  would  be  less  likely  to  do  such  a  thing 
than  a  Highlander,  except  a  Lowlander. 

Besides,  there  are  hardly  any  Highlanders  now, 
except  deer ;  the  dukes  having  driven  almost  all 
the  men  out  of  the  glens.  HER  MAJESTY'S 
once  celebrated  stag,  "  Highlander,"  if  he  has 
not  been  eaten  by  men  or  dogs,  may  have  retired 
on  a  pension— but  Income-tax  would  have  been 
stopped  put  of  that,  as  it  is  stopped  out  of  the 
scanty  dividends  of  poor  young  ladies,  who  are 
put  to  the  greatest  trouble  if  they  attempt  to 
get  the  undue  deduction  refunded.  _  The  an- 
nouncement— with  all  respect  for  its  Right  Hon. 
Author — we  conceive  to  be  a  facetious  fiction, 
intended  to  joke  Income-tax  defaulters  into 
paying  up  their  arrears,  by  representing  that  act 
of  reparation  as  having  been  performed  even  by 
a  Scotchman. 


'DECEMBER  5,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


235 


THAT   HORRID   MASTER  BOB. 

Doggy  Young  Geut.   "  III  it  kel    Haiti    Sickening  for  tlw  distemper, 

no  doubt.1' 


INFIBMABY  FOB  AFFECTIONS  OF  THE  HEABT. 

WE  have  received  the  Annual  Report  of  this  excellent  institution. 
Though  numerous  cases  have  been  brought  in,  there  are  no  complaints 
of  packing ;  and  the  proverbial  virtue  of  patients  is  again  strikingly 
exemplified.  The  epidemic  which  broke  out  last  autumn  in  an  esta- 
blishment for  young  ladies  at  Merton  is  attributed  to  a  French  Count 
who  had  apartments  opposite.  It  spread  with  great  virulence';  but, 
the  noxious  agent  having  been  arrested  (for  debt),  the  malady  was 
arrested  also.  Up  to  Michaelmas  Day  there  were  admitted  into  the 
infirmary — 

Broken  hearts         ....       488 

Of  these,  305  (or  five-eighths)  were  simple  fractures,  and  61  (or  one- 
eighth)  were  compound  ditto.  The  rest  were  cases  of  mere  temporary 
derangement,  and  readily  yielded  to  the  appropriate  remedies  of  pungent 
badinage,  or  mild  rebuke. 

We  subjoin  a  few  extracts : — 

GEOKGIANA  ST.  G.,  age  nineteen.  Cautiousness— small.  This  was 
a  casualty  case,  commonly  called  "love  at  first  sight."  The  patient 
was  riding  on  horseback  in  Hyde  Park  with  her  papa,  COLONEL  ST. 
G.,  when  she  was  struck  by  the  appearance  of  a  remarkably  fair  and 
handsome  man,  with  an  auburn  moustache.  The  shock,  as  may  be 
supposed,  was  very  severe.  For  some  days  she  had  repeated  attacks 
of  despondency,  attended  with  irregular  respiration  and  considerable 
mental  disturbance.  In  this  state  she  was  brought  to  the  infirmary, 
and  placed  under  the  care  of  DR.  Quiz.  As  it  threatened  to  be  an 
obstinate  case,  DR.  Quiz  at  once  determined  to  perform  an  operation. 
Having  by  secret  inquiry  discovered  that  the  auburn  moustache  was 
the  symbolic  adornment  and  advertising  medium  of  a  fashionable 

perruquier  in  arcade,  DR.  Quiz  assumed  a  white  apron  and  pair 

of  scissors,  and  approaching  his  patient  with  great  deference,  politely 
solicited  her  hand  and— a  lock  of  lier  hair.  For  some  minutes  the 
patient  struggled  against  her  sense  of  the  ridiculous.  These  convul- 
sions were  succeeded  bv  a  gentle  fit— of  laughter,  and,  having  expressed 
her  admiration  of  the  doctor's  skilful  mode  of  treatment,  the  patient 
was  discharged— cured. 

LYDIA  S.,  age  seventeen.  Confidence— wonderful.  The  affection 
under  which  this  patient  suffered  was  clearly  attributable  to  a  perni- 
cious drug  administered  by  an  unscrupulous  practitioner,  the  Hox. 
MELTON  MOWHRAY,  whose  flattery  given  at  a  race-ball,  in  allopathic 
doses,  i produced  its  usual  debilitating  effects.  In  this  state  she  was 
brought  to  the  infirmary,  and  placed  under  the  care  of  DR.  DAM  ri.u. 
Several  other  patients  having  manifested  similar  symptoms, 
DR.  DAMPER  discovered  that  they  also  had  received  prescriptions  in 
the  form  of  billets-doux  from  the  empiric  MOWBRAY,  the  contents  of 
which,  upon  analysis,  DR.  DAMPER  found  to  be  highly  deleterious. 
The  exhibition  of  these  dangerous  compounds  by  DR.  DAMPER 


produced  in  his  patient  great  nervous  excitement.   The  heart,  however, 


thd  Mow  HI;  M-  notes. 

rim    I!.,   age   twenty-nine.    Dominant  feeling— love  of  the 
il.    This  pat irnt  being  ut  J'aris  with  her  uncle  was  induced  to 
•ixi's     Kquestrian    KsUblishment,    where    she    became 
ired  of  an  artiste  who  danced  on  the  tight-rope  while  playing 
the  violin  with  iiiin  I  In:  combined  attractions  operated 

magnetically.  -  n   looked  upon  (he  circus  as  an  elysium.     In 

i1  she  found,  what  she  had  long  sighed  for- a  sympathetic  cord,  and 
while  her  heart-string  (to  use  lic-r  own  language)  were  twined  around 
the  pole,  her  reason  (to  use  her  uncle's)  staggered,  unable  to  m 
:iee.     In  this  Mate  on  :  to  England  she  was  i 

i  y,  and  placed  under  the.  care  of  Dlt.  Sooiur.  1 1 
lies  were    administered    in  copious   doses.      The,   inllam- 
still  continuing,  DR.  SOOTIIK   HALL,  with   KI.I/A- 
I-.KTM'S  euiiM-ut,  wrote  to  the  artiste  proposing  marriage.    The  answer 
was  as  follows  : — 


scutir 


u, — Si  la  je  une  femme  a  du  talent,  et  qu'ellc  veuille  con- 
Miareher  sur  des  uehassfs,  je  1'epouscrai,  bienque 
vous  dissiez  qu'ellc  n'a  point  de  fortune  ;  inais  mon  salaire  etant  assez 
I'aible,  j'ai  besoin  d'une  epouse  qui  puisse  fairc  quflijuc  chose  dans  ma 
partie  pour  cpntribuer  a  son  entretien.  ct   ii  celui   de    sa  funiillc. 
•Msicur,  I'aesurance    de    ma    consideration    distingu.ee. — 

APOLLO  VOLAKTE." 

(Translation.) 

"  SIR, — If  the  young  woman  has  talent,  and  would  consent  to  learn 
to- walk  on  stilts,  Ian  willing  to  accept  her  hand,  although  you  say 
she  has  no  fortune;  but,  as  my  salary  is  small,  I  require  a  wife  who 
eau  do  something  in  my  line  towards  the  support  of  herself  and  family. 
.  sir,  the  assurances  of  my  distinguished  consideration. — 
APOLLO  VOL 

This  fine  tonic,  though  it  created  a  feeling  of  nausea,  produced  its 
anticipated  effect.  The  patient  was  restored  to  consciousness,  and  has 
had  no  return  of  her  weakness.  She  is  now  married  to  a  brewer. 

KTIIKL  J.,  age  twenty-one.  Beau-ideality—  large.  This  patient — a 
•  girl,  with  large,  languishing  eyes — was  suffering  from  a  heated 
and  artilicial  atmosphere,  engendered  by  indiscriminate  reading  of 
foreign  romances.  She  was  brought  to  the  infirmary  in  a  very 
melancholy  state,  and  placed  under  the  care  of  DR.  DAMPEB.  Cold 
applications  were  made  to  her  understanding ;  but  without  producing 
any  sensible  effect.  She  would  take  no  nourishment  but  a  novel. 
Suspecting  that  the  imagination  was  morbidly  affected  by  devotion  to 

her  favourite  author,  C L»E  E ,  a  consultation  took  place 

between  DR.  DAMPER  and  his  colleagues,  SOOTHE  HALL  and  Quiz, 
when  it  was  thought  advisable  to  dispel  the  illusion  by  the  exhibition 
of  caustic.  DR.  DAMPER  accordingly  wrote  to  his  agent  at  Brussels 
for  the  required  escharptic,  which  was  promptly  sent,  and  consisted  of 

the  following  composition : — "  C DE  E is  an  elderly  gentleman, 

irritable,  and  addicted  to  snuff.    I  found  him  in  his  chamber,  wearing 
a  faded  morning  gown,  and  engaged  in  boiling  his  own  chocolate. 
Violent  hysterical  weeping  followed  the  application  of  the  caustic ;  but 
the  crisis  was  past,  and  the  patient,  though  still  suffering  slightly 
from  hallucinations,  may  now  be  pronounced  convalescent. 

ANGELA  W.,  age  thirty-seven.  Predilections — ministerial.  This 
patient,  having  sat  for  some  time  under  a  young  transcendental  divine, 
was  admitted  into  the  infirmary  with  an  attachment  growing  out  of  her 
admiration.  DR.  DAMPER  operated.  He  placed  before  her  a  certified 
statement,  by  which  it  appeared  that,  up  to  the  1st  of  April  inclusive, 
the  divine  had  been  presented  with  Berlin  slippers,  260  pairs ;  embroi- 
dered braces,  115  pairs ;  bead-purses,  book-markers,  dedicatory  verses, 
&c.,  &c.,  number  unknown.  DR.  DAMPER  then  put  it  to  his  patient 
whether,  in  defiance  of  such  fearful  competition,  she  would  longer 
cherish  her  hopeless  passion.  This  powerful  irritant  was  repeated^ at 
intervals,  but  without  producing  any  reply.  ANGELINA  W.  still 
remains  m  the  infirmary,  perfect  recovery  at  her  advanced  age  being 
considered  extremely  questionable. 

ALDERMAN  G.,  age  fifty-seven.  Constitution— soft.  Another  casualty 
case.  This  gentleman  was  brought  in  suffering  severely  from  a  wound 
inflicted  upon  him  by  the  eyes  of  a  brilliant  young  widow.  For  some 
months  his  slumbers  had  teen  brief  and  unrefreshing ;  his  appetite, 
naturally  robust,  had  completelv  broken  down ;  real  turtle  was  now  a 
mockery  to  him,  and  cold  punch  had  lost  its  fascinations.  The  case 
requiring  active  treatment,  the  patient  was  ordered  to  read  llardell 
v.  Pickwick  (DifKEXs's  Reports),  also  Re  Wetter,  sen.  (idem.). 

After  consulting  these  authorities  attentively,  the  patient  expressed 
himself  satisfied,  and  walked  out  of  the  infirmary  without  assistance. 
That  evening  he  dined  at  the  Albion  alone,  having  previously  ordered 
covers  for  three. 

The  report  concludes  with  a  neatly-turned  compliment  to  the  ladies 
of  the  visiting  committee,  under  whose  direction  eightv-four  threats  of 
action  for  breach  of  promise  have  been  attended  with  encouraging 
results. 


236 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  5,  1857. 


CHISWEl- 


Our  Friend,  MACLl'CKIESPECH,  mistrusting  those  confounded  Eanlcs,  resolves  to  carry  Ms  Capital  in  his  Trousers'  pockets — 'Tis  so  comforting 

to  ham  a,  feeling  of  Security. 


A    HAPPY    END    FOR    HOGS. 

"MR.  PUNCH,  HONEK'D  ZCR, 

"  I  ZEE  as  how,  by  one  o'  they  Northern  peeapers,  they've  a 
.  got  a  new  way  up  there  o'  killun  pigs.  I  thought  we  know'd'all  as 
I  could  be  know'd  about  that  zubject  down  Zouth  here :  but  howsome- 
i  dever  I  baint  so  much  consarn'd  wi  pigs  as  to  be  pig-headed ;  and 
abuv  larnun  from  them  as  got  zummut  to  tache,  whoever  they  be. 
The  Carlisle  Examiner 'Us  as  gies  the  'count  on't.  It  sez  as  how, 
'tother  day,  there  wus  a  pashunt  in  the  Kendal  osspuddle,  as  had  to 
undergoo  zumkind  o'  cuttun  or  disseckshun  for  zummut  or  other,  and 
was  accardunly  put  under  clorifarm  fur  to  have  ut  done.  As  luck  'ood 
have  ut.  twus  likewise  pig-killun  day  at  the  osspuddle.  The  doctor 
he  heerd  the  pig  squake,  as  o'  course  you  knows  pigs  be  apt  to  when 
they  be  offended,  and  cries  out  afore  they  be  hurt  even,  aa  as  zoon, 
zumtimes,  as  ever  they  zees  the  pig-butcher.  What  does  the  doctor  do 
but  perposes  to  stupidfy  the  pig  wi  clorifarm,  like  the  Christian,  zo  as 
a  shouldn  t  zuffer  nothun  whiles  they  wus  a  killun  of  un.  Zo  sed  zo 
done,  ihey  got  a  spunge,  zoaked  ut  in  the  clorifarm  stuff,  clapped  ut 
onto  the  hog  s  nose,  and  zent  unoff  in  a  crack,  as  quiet  as  ever  you  zee 
are  ababby  rocked  azleep.  In  that  are  state  of  nonsensiblenuss  they 
stuck  un:  and  a  died,  as  I  may  zay,  without  knowuu  of 't— gied  up 

TMC>     (TMTTTI^n'ief     tTTlf  ll*-m  t      n      L-*j*k     ^_     «      ,-_.. i- 


the  ghwooast  without  a  kick  or  a  grunt. 

"  Well,  now,  Zur,  the  proof  o'  the  puddun's  in  the  atun  as  the 
sayun  is,  and  that  are 's  true  o'  black  pudduns  as  well  as  plum  and  of 

eeaacon  likewise.  There 's  no  knowun,  afore  you  tries,  whether  your 
clorifarm  meddn  t  spile  your  poork  or  your  beeaacon,  or  your  black 
pudduns ;  otherways  'twoud  be  a  gurt  help  and  savun  in  makun  of 
the  latter.  But  if  zo  be  as  how  clorifarm  doan't  hurt  the  poork  sartun 

is  ut  pervents  the  poork-butcher  vrom  hurtun  the  pig.  It  zaves  the 
poor  cretur  vrom  beun  punished  onnecessary,  and  a  feller  ood  n't  be 
more  crooler  to  a  dum  animle  and  sarve  un  wuss  nor  a  could  help  • 

leklerly  a  pig  as  heM  vatted  his  zelf  and  took  a  pride  in  un.  'Sides 
ivitch,  pig-killun  ain't  a  musickle  opperaaishun  to  naaiburs  them  as 
ham  t  used  to  t,  and  not  very  meloadjus  to  sitch  as  be.  The  ladies 

heers  complaams  on't  and  sez  it  disturbs  urn  in  bed  of  a  marnun 
and  spiles  their  breckvust.  Zo,  therefour,  I  thinks  I  shall  try  killun 


my  pigs  under  clorifarm  ;  only  I  be  afeard  'tis  rayther  dear  stuff.  In- 
that  case  I  opes  to  be  sported  if  I  claps  on  a  little  extry  on  the  price 
o'  my  pigsmate ;  and  if  jpu  looks  out  I  dare  zay  you  '11  zoon  zee  zuirr 
in  the  shop-winders,  wi  tickuts  oii't  marked,  "  Humanaty  Beeaacon — 
Kill'd  Under  Clorifarm — Tenpence  Farden  a  Pound." 

"  I  be,  Mr.  Punch,  your  Respectful  umble  Sarvunt, 
"  MMrook,  Dec.  1, 1857.  "  CLEMENT  FATSTOCK." 


PROGRESS  OF  CIVILISATION. 

THERE  is  an  imitation  of  Punch  regularly  published  at  Turin. 

There  is  to  be  a  Punch,  also,  in  St.  Petersburg!!. 

The  latter,  at  all  events,  will  be  a  novelty,  though  we  can  hardly 
understand  "  Wit  dancing  a  hornpipe  in  fetters."  Our  vanity  will  not 
allow  us  to  believe  that  Punch  will  be  any  the  better  for  being  "  bound 
in  Russia,"  and  for  having  clasps  put  by  the  Censorship  to  each  volume ! 
However,  the  two  facts  above  are  highly  promising.  As  the  world 
grows  more  civilised,  -we  shall  next  hear  of  Punch  appearing,  as  a 
second  Pasquin  at  Rome,  or  at  Naples,  perhaps ;  and  who  knows  but 
we  may  yet  see  a  Punch  in  Paris,  appearing  every  week  with  large 
caricatures  right  under  the  nose  of  Louis  NAPOLEON  ?  It  is  the  one 
remaining  beauty  that  Paris  wants,  to  be  perfect. 


Lord  P.'s  last. 

LORD  PALMERSTON  said  rather  a  neat  thing  to  Mr.  Punch  at  the 
Reform  Club,  last  Tuesday,  about  a  quarter  before  three  P.M.  Mr.  Punch 
was  urging  him  to  give  something  better  than  a  baronetcy  to  Srs 
HENRY  HAVE  LOCK.  "  He  ought  to  have  all  possible  honours,"  said 
Mr.  Punck,  "  here,  the  man  has  won  nine  battles."  "  That 's  just  it," 
said  PALMERSTON,  "  at  Nine,  honours  don't  count."  "  Let 's  liquor," 
said  Mr.  Punch. 


IS   OLD  DOUBLE  DEAD  ?  " 


INDIA'S  and  England's  Governments  must  mingle : 
We  '11  win  the  Indian  Rubber  by  a  Single. 


&^r^XVi;*^  ,.,„«  P«l.h  *» 

idon.-3»ri,«o»i,  DICIXMI  5,  1857™  ^^  '     '"  Clt7  "'  !"»*»'•.  ***  fuburted  6,  tkem  at  Ko.  85.  Fleet  Street,  in 


,  to  U..C~.t,.r  Middle..*, 
t  of  St.  Bnie,  la  the  Clli  •  : 


DECEMBER  12,  1857.] 


OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


237 


PUNCH'S    IMAGINARY    CONVERSATIONS. 

Mil.    HENJAMIS    IIISJUELl   AND   VISCOUNT    I'ALMEHSTON. 


/'.  Mi;.  DISRAELI!  A  most  welcome  visitor.  Pray  sit  here, 
ne.ir  the  fire. 

Mr.  1).  I  thank  your  lordship.  Oriental  blood  is  warm  enough  any- 
where, i'irst,  apologising  for  this  intrusion  upon  a  political  adversary, 
and  a  much  occupied  statesman 

Lord  P.  Who  in  either  capacity  Uahnyi  happy  and  honoured  in  a 
conference  with  the  most  remarkable  of  modern  Chancellors  of 
Exehei 

Mr.  I),  (fjoics,  coldly.)  I  postpone  accepting  your  lordship's  compli- 

I  until  destiny  shall  Lave  permitted  me  really  to  develope  the 

financial  ideas  of  which  my  LORD  DERBY'S  tenure  of  office  allowed 

me  but  to  ventilate  a  sample.    I  have  called  to  talk  to  you  about 

India. 

Lord  P.  As  I  have  said,  I  am  always  honoured  and  happy  to  see  you  ; 
but  if  there  were  one  subject  more  than  another  on  which  I  had  rather 
not  be  talked  to,  it  would  be  that  infernal  Peninsula. 

M/\  D,  Be  not  afraid.  I  am  not  about  to  condemn  or  to  instruct.  I 
an  not  even  about  to  compliment  you  on  the  neat  trick  by  which  you 
demolished  the  Indian  reformers,  and  by  causing  it  to  be  proclaimed 
t  hat  the  Company  was  to  go  down,  when  nothing  was  further  from 
your  intent  inns,  you  prevented  their  meetings  and  combinations. 

Lord  I'.  A  trifle.    It  might  have  been  done  better,  but  it  succeeded. 

Mr.  D.  I  am  not  about  to  submit  to  you  my  views  in  regard  to  the 
future  administration  of  India.  Those  you  will  hear  in  the  proper 
place. 

Lon!  P.  And,  I  am  sure,  with  pleasure. 

.)//•.  I).  I  have  no  such  surety ;  but  we  are  both  too  old  to  care 
about  pleasure. 

Lord  P.  Puer  Hebrr/'us  !  I  was  taking  my  M.A.  degree  about  the 
time  when  you  were  baptised — or  whatever  it  was  that  made  you  the 
excellent  Christian  you  are. 

Mi\  J).  And  vour  lordship  is  a  judge  of  orthodoxy.  My  mission 
to-day  is  to  make  a  few  inquiries,  to  which,  in  all  probability  you  will 
feel  it  desirable  to  make  evasive  replies. 

Lord  P.  Not  improbable. 

Mr.  D.  I  am  quite  aware  that  I  have  no  right  to  make  them. 

Lord  P.  I  trust  that  you  will  not  adopt  the  novel  course  of  letting 
that,  fact  stand  in  your  way. 

Mr.  I),  bistinguo,  as  the  Jesuits  say.  In  the  House  I  claim  a  right 
in  be  as  impertinent  as  I  please.  Here,  we  meet  as  gentlemen  and 
men  of  the  world.  I  shall  scarcely  be  offended  if  you  tell  me  nothing, 
and  of  what  you  do  tell  me  I  shall  make  what  use  may  suit  me. 

Lord  P.  l)e  deu.r  iiirntr.  it  faut  choisir  le  moindre,  and  I  am  less 
alarmed  at  your  oratory  than  your  epigrams. 

Mi-.  D.  Do  you  know  why  my  LORD  CANNING  gagged  the  Indian 
Press  ? 

Lord  P.  lie  never  did  any  such  thing. 

Mr.  1).  Right.    It  was  the  English  Press  in  India. 

Lorti  P.  Do  you  want  a  House  of  Commons  answer  ?  If  so,  the 
GOVERNOR-GENERAL,  Sir,  in  the  exercise  of  his  discretion,  of  which  no 
public  servant  ever  had  more,  or  employed  it  more  judiciously,  deemed 
it  expedient  to  repress,  by  special  means  adapted  to  the  circumstances, 
— eh  ?  Oh,  you  auft  want  a  House  of  Commons  answer  ?  Well,  the 
civilians  hated  the  journalists,  and  eagerly  pounced  on  an  opportunity 
of  serving  them  out ;  so  CAXXIXG  was  badgered  into  the  work  under 
pretence  that  the  papers  did  mischief. 

Air  D.  Just  so.  But  why  did  he  not  interfere  with  the  native  press. 
Was  it  not  matter  of  notoriety  that  the  little  beastly  Indian  papers, 
besides  containing  all  sorts  of  indecency,  were  constantly  publishing 
barefaced  sedition  ? 

Lord  P.  The  missionaries  brought  the  fact  under  LORD  CANNING'S 
notice,  but  you  could  not  expect  him  to  attend  to  missionaries. 

Mr.  D.  But  people  about  him  could  read.    Did  not  the  Doorlin 


'  publish  in  Calcutta  a  proclamation,  under  LOUD  CANNING'S  very  nose, 
on  the  natives  to  rise. 

Lord.  P.  And  it  was  prosecuted. 

M,-.  li.  After  an  iiidisn-uit  demand  that  could  not  be  resisted,  and 
what  then?  The  <  ICK,  the  old  new  son-in-law  of  the  philo- 

sepoy,  MR.  GRANT,  took  a  verdict  of  guilty  against  the  conductors 
and  fined  them— owe  rupee.  Does  your  Lordship  know  how  much  a 
rupee 

lAfd  P.  Two  bob. 

I//1.  I).  1  congrat  ulate  you  on  your  general  information.  This  was 
the  only  native  paper  that  LORD  CANNING  touched,  though  the  others 
were  carrying  all  over  the  country  seditious  news  and  encouragement 
to  the  mutineers. 

Lord  P.  Lor ! 

Mr.  2).  Not  that  he  was  ignorant  of  the  state  of  the  ease,  for  in 
June  he  called  the  native  papers  "  poisoned  weapons,"  and  then  had  the 
effrontery  to  sny  that  he  saw  "no  solid  standing-ground  "  upon  which 
a  line  could  be  drawn,  separating  the  white  editors  from  the  black 
ones. 

Lord  P.  By  Jove ! 

Mr.  !>.  But  now  notice,  while  the  poisoned  weapons  were  let 
alone,  how  savagely  the  English  papers  were  treated.  Do  you  know 
why  the  Friend  of  India,  always  the  thick  and  thin  upholder  of  the 
Company,  was  "warned?" 

/.'//•-/  /'.  Tell  us. 

Mr.  D.  Because,  in  the  owner's  absence  it  was  confided  to  an  editor 
who  had  occasionally  touched  up  the  civilians.  So  he  was  touched  up 
for  a  perfectly  ;  harmless  article  on  the  "Centenary  of  Plassy,"  and 
the  paper  was  threatened  with  suspension  for  another  harmless  article, 
but  forgiven  on  condition  of  the  dismissal  of  the  new  editor. 

Lord  P.  Sharp  practice. 

Mr.  It.  Nothing.  The  Hangalore  Herald  was  actually  put  down  for 
reprinting  the  "  Centenary  of  Plassy "  before  its  editor  knew  of  the 
warning  to  the  Friend.  The  Madras  Atlienteum  was  only  warned  for 
the  same  crime. 

Lord  P.  Smart  practice. 

Mr.  D.  Well,  the  Ahjab  Advertiser  was  suppressed  without  any 
reason  at  all  being  assigned,  the  Commissioner  simply  refusing  the 
license. 

Lord  P.  Saves  trouble,  that  sort  of  thing. 

31  r.  D.  Very  true.  And  then  there  was  a  general  crusade.  The 
Madras  Examiner  was  warned  for  saying  that  the  Madras  Government 
had  recommended  the  removal  of  a  Government  agent  at  Chepank,  for 
oppression.  The  Dacca  News  was  warned  for  a  legal  article  on  the 
Tenure  of  Land  by  Europeans.  All  the  Arracan  circulars  were  sup- 
pressed, though  they  have  no  more  politics  than  prices  current.  And 
the  JIurkaru  was  suppressed  for  some  sarcasms,  but  the  fiercest 
sarcasm  came  from  the  Government  against  itself;  for,  my  Lord  being 
afraid  that  such  an  act  would  rouse  the 'London  press,  the  veto  was 
taken  off  the  day  before  the  mail  left  for  England. 

Lord  P.  I  call  that  neat,  but  not  gaudy,  as  the  First  "Whig  said 
when  he  painted  his  tail  sky-blue. 

Mr.  D.  The  Poonah  Observer  and  the  Calcutta  Englishman  were 
warned  for  reprinting  an  article  from  the  London  Press. 

Lord  P.  In  praise  of  yourself  ? 

Mr.  D.  No.  That  paper  may  have  its  own  reasons  for  estimating 
highly  the  merits  of  the  humble  individual  before  you,  and  in  some 
eyes  this  may  weaken  its  influence,  but  its  Indian  articles  are 
admirable. 

Ijord  P.  Well,  my  dear  MR.  DISRAELI,  you  were  going  to  'make 
some  inquiries.  At  present  you  have  done  nothing  but  give  me 
information. 

Mr.  D.  I  want  to  know  how  LORD  CANNING'S  three  friends  in  the 
Cabinet  mean  to  defend  him.  He  has  but  three— you,  who  always 
defend  your  subordinates ;  GRASVILLE,  who  has  his  own  reasons  for 
admiring  CANNING  ;  and  ARGYLL,  who  is  a  very  nice  little  duke,  but 
knows  nothing  of  the  subject  ? 

Lord  P.  Quit  vituperavil  ? 

Mr.  D.  I  intend  to  do  it,  and  in  earnest.  And  I  mean  also  to  ask 
why,  when  the  Calcutta  people  volunteered  to  arm.  by  which  means 
the  Calcutta  soldiers  could  liave  been  released,  and  sent  up  to  save 
Cawnpore  and  Luckuow,  they  were  all  snubbed  and  rejected,  though 
now  that  they  have  insisted  on  arming,  LADY  CANNING  is  sent  down 
to  present  colours,  and  is  received  in  sullen  silence. 

Lord  P.  Ah !  don't  work  that  subject  too  much. 

Mr.  D.  No,  but  I  '11  work  it  enough.  And  incidentally,  to  show  the 
sweet  affection  felt  for  the  natives,  1  shall  ask  why,  when  some  Maho- 
metans went  into  one  of  the  Homes  of  Refuge  set  up  by  the  Calcutta 
people  for  the  poor  refugees,  and  when  these  Mahometans  insulted  the 
women,  Government  neither  hanged  nor  flogged  the  scoundrels,  but, 
so  far  as  is  known,  let  them  go  unpunished  ? 

Lord  P.  I  fear  you  are  revengeful. 

Mr.  D.  I  flatter  myself  that  I  am.  Well,  look  out.  CANNING  is  a 
weak  creature,  alternately  obstinate  and  helpless,  and  I  know  that  he 
was  bullied  into  crushing  the  Press  by  HAUIDAY,  the  Lieutenant 


VOL.  XXXIII. 


B  B 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  12,  1857. 


Governor,  but  his  lordship  needed  not  insult  it  also.   Louis  NAPOLEON 

don't  i!  I  have  said,  look  out ;  for  though  you  have  secured 

and  sii<  "I  many  Englishmen  who  know  the  truth,  and  could 

have  neither  secured  nor  silenced  ME.  [Bat. 

<".  Confound  him!    lie  said  he  came  to  inquire,  and  he  has 

inquired  nothing.    If  he  has  got  up  the  whole  case  as  well  as  this 

he  awkward.    Deuced  rum  thing  of  him  to  come 

shillabaloo  !     By  Jove  !     By  Jove,  I  shouldn't 

wonder  if — 

[Coiuitters  for  dereu  minutes  whether  ttf  icill  iffer  JFii.  ])ISRAELI 
.     i  'I  finally  decides  that  he  iciil  not. 


MIRACLE-MONGERY. 

AMP     QTHEP. 


R  Fl   )  r  ^        THE  SNEEZING 
(m^SSS-v    STATUE. 


WKITIXG  from  Vienna  the  Own  Correspondent  of  the  Times  informs 
us  that— 

I'AxTiiCKY  EBXEI-I-,  the  Lord  Bishop  of  lirllnn,  has  just  edified  the  faithful'in 
this  empire  bv  announcing  that  'the  oil  of  ST.  WALBDROA'  possesses  miraculous 
powers.  The  liight  Rev.  Shepherd  does  not  inform  his  flock  what  kind  of  fluid  tho 
oil  in  quratifm  is,  but  lie  certifies  that  a  girl  in  an  institution  kept  by  '  the  Daughters 
of  Christian  Charity  '  did  on  a  certain  day  kiss  a  bottle  containing  "the  aforesaid  oil, 
and  was  immediately  cured  of  an  inflammation  of  tho  eyes,  which  was  so  violent 


.  e    crui-i 

wrltu  '  •>'«  dared  to  call  the  Daughters  of  Christian  Charity  in  BrUnn 

tmptxton,  and  the  VEEY  HEV.  ASTHOSY  ERXKST  a  ciedulous  old  gentleman." 

-Chough  we  certainly  admit  that  we  put  no  faith  in  the  miraculous  oil 
ot  bi.  -WAUSURGA,  and  that  as  for  its  ophthalmic  properties,  we  regard 
them  m  effect  as  being  all  our  eye,  still  we  cannot  quite  agree  with  the 
unnamed  German  heretic  in  viewing  the  Lord  Bishop  as  a  simply 
credulous  old  gentleman."    We  believe,  indeed,  to  use  a  somewhat 
tree  expression,  that  his  lordship  is  in  fact  a  rather  deep  old  file.    With 
our  knowledge  of  the  ways  in  which  tho  Romans  "do"  at  Rome  and 
why  their  pictures  wink  at  Rimini,  and  how  their  miracle-machinery 
is  generally  worked,  we  are  pretty  well  convinced,  that  if  the  Christian 
Daughters  of  Brunn  Charity  have  been  guilty  of  imposture,  the  very 
gooa  and  saint-like  AXTHONIT  has  helped  to  do  the  trick     We  mav 
depead  that  Ins  certificate  of  their  eye-healing  oil  was  the  result  not  of 
credulity,   but   ot   preconcerted  dodgery.     Money  being  tight,  the 
bisters  were  perhaps  in  struggles  with  their  banker  :  and  hit  upon  the 
lias  a  means  to  bring  "the  faithful  "to  their  Christian  Institution 
-I  course,  all  comers  have  to  pay  their  footing.   Having  worked 
:,  the  next  thing  they  required  was  to  advertise  the  fact— 
and  no  doubt  by  offering  the  go9d  Bishop  a  percentage  of  their  profits 
tUey  "  a  engaging  him  to  make  the  matter  public     We 

•mounccment"  therefore  as  a  puff,  and  in  no  way  as  a 
sympt.  :,m  or  credulity.    It  being  to  his  interest  to  bring  the 

:nto  popular  demand,  he  mukes  it  his  business  to  exhort 
his  blind  believers,  in  the  blindness  of  their  faith,  to  go  and  try  the 
artidc.     His  ceruticate,  in  fact,  is  just  a  parallel  to  those  which  arc 
LUWushed  by  LORD  HOLLOAWAY  and  other  vouchers  of  quack  nostrums  • 
Mend,  that  when  the  oil  of  ST.  WALBUKGA  is 


advertised  in  Austria,  the  announcement  should  be  decorated  with  a  i 
portrait  of  the  Bishop,  represented  in  the  act  of  kissing  a  quart  bottle, 
and  exclaiming  in  German  the  equivalent  for,  "  Ha !  ha !  Cured  in  au 
Instant !  " 

We  suppose  if  BISHOP  ANTHONY'S  certificate  is  ascertained  to  draw, 
the  example  will  be  followed  elsewhere  on  the  Continent,  and  all  the  i 
get.ters-up  of  miracles,  and  dealers  in  infallible  specifics  for  the  faithful, 
will  retain  a  special  Bishop  as  their  advertising  agent,  and  set  down  his 
"announcements"  among  their  trade  expenses.     The  dodge  of  the 
Brunn  Daughters  in  getting  their  oil  certified  by  a  father  of  the  Church 
will  be  copied  to  a  certainty  by  all  traders  in  such  nostrums;  and 
doubtless  the  chief  miracle-mongery  establishments  will  offer  premiums 
for  the  best  episcopal  advertisement;   and  in  the  rivalry  of  ti; 
perhaps  will  find  it  pay  to  keep  a  Bishop  on  their  premises,  to  certify 
to  customei  s  the  genuineness  of  their  wares.    Pushing  men  of  business 
in  the  quack  miracle  and  medicine  line  will  get  episcopal  assistance  in  ; 
penning  their  trade  circulars  ;  and  with  all  the  unctuousness  of  lan- 
guage which  a  Bishop  can  command,  will    announce    their  latest 
novelties  and  invite  inspection  of  their  stock.    The  patentees  of  any 
Sainted  Hair  Oil  or  Holy  all-my-Bye  Snuff  will  pay  a  prelate  to  attest  j 
that  he  has  had  his  "Baldness  Removed,"  by  thirteen  bottles  of  the  i 
one,  and  his  eyesight  restored  by  nineteen  pinches  of  the  other :  and, 
as  usual,  his  certificate  will  end  with  the  logical  requirement,  that  the  ' 
patentees  will  kindly  forward  him  another  large  supply  of    their 
infallible  specifics. 

With  but  very  little  stretch  of  our  ca9utchoutical  imagination,  we 
can  fancy,  if  the  dodge  of  these  Brunn  Sisters  is  found  to  be  success- 
ful, that  dealers  in  old  relics  will  copy  their  address,  and  make  use  of 
the  same  means  to  advertise  their  treasures.  We  can  readily  imagine 
that  t he  spirited  proprietors  of  old-church  curiosity  shops  would  not  j 
shrink  from  posting  placards  outside  their  establishments,  headed  by  a  ' 
picture  of  their  certifying  Bishop,  with  an  adjuration  in  their  language 
to,  "  Look  here !  This  is  the  right  Shop ! !"  The  fortunate  possessors  of 
the  toe-nails  of  Si.  VITUS  might  give  episcopal  warranty  that  those 
articles  were  genuine,  and  any  wholesale  dealer  in  the  corns  of  good  ST. 
LIMPA  might  similarly  certify  the  truth  of  their  extraction.  Following 
the  lead  of  the  Sisterhood  of  Brunn,  the  bottler  of  ST.  BLUBBA'S  tears 
might  get  a  prelate's  voucher  that  his  goods  were  unadulterated,  and 
sound  in  preservation :  and  a  Bishop  might  be  paid  for  announcing  to 
the  faithful,  that  the  holders  had  some  remnants  of  the  wardrobe  of 
ST.  FILTIIUS,  and  that  there  were  still  to  be  obtained  a  few  remaining 
hairs  of  the  left  whisker  of  ST.  HIKSUTH. 

The  keepers  of  church  peep-shows  might  resort  to  the  same  means 
of  making  known  their  treasures.  In  their  charges  to  their  Hocks, 
Bishops  might  continually  make  announcement  of  the  fact,  that  the 
exhibition  of  the  Bleeding  Statue  was  still  open  to  believers  :  and  that 
crowds  were  still  attracted  daily  to  the  interesting  show  of  ST.  DOMINGO'S 
hair-shirt.  Due  notice  might  in  this  way  be  episcopally  given  of  the 
days  on  which  a  picture  would  next  condescend  to  wink,  and  of  the  small 
charge  which  had  been  fixed  for  the  admission ;  and  in  short  whatever 
exhibitions  were  opened  to  the  faithful,  recourse  might  be  had  to  epis- 
copal persuasion,  as  an  inducement  to  church  sight-seers  to  come  and 
be  let  in  there.  We  confess  we  might  ourselves  be  tempted  to  a  peep- 
show  where  a  Bishop  was  on  hire  to  officiate  as  tonter,  and  stood  on 
the  outside  bawling  through  a  speaking-trumpet  words  which  in  his 
language  were  equivalent  to  "  Walk  hup  !  Honly  thr-r-r-r-r-uppence 
heach ! ! " 

We  have  no  wish  to  waste  space  in  the  "conjecture  of  remote  and 
improbable  fortuities ;  but  if  ever  England  should  become  a  Roman 
Catholic  dominion,  and  the  oil  of  ST.  WALBUKGA  be  in  demand  among 
our  doctors  as  a  remedy  for  blindness  (events  of  about  equal  likelihood 
to  happen),  we  may  expect  that  the  Briinn  Sisters  will,  in  their  Chris- 
tian charity,  appoint  some  agent  to  supply  it.  Purchasers,  of  course, 
would  have  to  bear  the  cost  attending  exportation :  but  in  spite  of 
this  enhancement  of  the  price  of  the  specific,  a  sufficently  brUk  sale 
might  no  doubt  be  commanded,  if  the  Sisters'  course  of  puffing  were 
judiciously  pursued.  Just  to  start  with,  they  perhaps  would  content 
themselves  with  advertising  " FIFTY  MILLION  CUKES:"  every. one  of 
which,  of  course,  might  be  personally  certified  by  the  right  reverend 
prelate  whom  they  paid  to  do  so.  Should  CABDINAL  WISEMAN  be 
living  at  the  time,  his  Eminence  perhaps  might  find  it  worth  his  while 
to  undertake  the  office,  for  which,  indeed,  his  knowledge  of  the  English 
language  (as  proved  in  his  late  letters  to  the  Times)  most  admirably 
fits  him. 

Not  being  of  "the  faithful,"  we  own  that  we  have  small  belief 
ourselves  in  the  oil  of  ST.  WALBUKOA  :  and  regard  the  miracles  it 
works  as  merely  optical  delusions,  which  only  eyes  that  arc  blind  with 
superstition  cannot  see  through.  In  fact  we  should  not  mind  confess- 
ing, were  we  privately  examined,  that  if  any  day  be  ever  set  apart  in 
England  for  the  use  of  this  specific,  we  think  it  should  be,  not  the 
Seventh  of  November,  but  the  First  of  April. 


THE  VALUE  OF  HEALTH. — A  good  constitution  is  like  a  money-box 
— the  full  value  of  it  is  never  properly  known  until  it  is  broken. 


DKCEMBEU  ]2,  1857.] 


:CII,   OR  THE   LONDON 


A    GENTLEMAN    WITH    A    GRIEVANCE. 

O   tl'r    Hedditnr  of   1'u 
horlice  aty  live  Qi 

"OSEHD  : 

"  Hi 

pick  with  tiiis  ere 
.ri'i.vr.v  which  i  finds  youve 
bin  and  gnv  of  him  a  vipe  tin: 
other  day,  So  peraps  youl  b  so 
good  As  fur  to  let,  me  give 
er.  you  See  Sur  this 
ere  MOI  XSEEK  ,i.  E  ave  bin  a 
givin  of  a  Bui  leastways  so  e 
calls  it,  fokes  as  isht  i'urriiiers 
ginrelly  says  Bawl — and  as  me 
and  BIL  SCOGGIXS  wieh  you 
know  is  tiling  name's  the 

•  Spider  wos  to!,. 
the  I'ashnnbbles  wood  prob- 
bable  be  thare  in  korsc  we 
thought     a-  party 

wooden  be  Komplete  without 
Hus.  So  you  must;  no  Sir  vc 
cuts  avay  herly  iVom  a  spin  as 
ve  TOS  avin  vith  tlie  (rrovesat. 
JEMMY  NIGHTSHADES  and 
ailing  of  a  Ansnm  ve  pur- 
seeded  horf  ful  split  to  F.R  MAWs'iVsThcajtiv  veer  the  bawl  was 
bein  eld.  But  veil  as  ve  Got  there  wot  d'ye  think  Sur  as  them  coves 
as  take  the  tikkets  ad  the  Cheek  to  do,  Y  they  sed  as  how  they  coont 
hadmit  of  us  at  no  price — cos  we  wornt  in  proper  Toggery !  which 
1  on  em  pints  out  to  our  hatcn'iuii  this  year  speshle  notice 
Stuck  hup  at  the  payole  and  ad  bin  put  E  sed  in  all  the  Tizements  of 
the  bawl  wieh  ide  uotished  it  myself  in  the  kollums  of  the  Hera — 

"  No  one  will  be  ad,,i  tiled  except  iii  evaiing  drtu  or  finicy  costume,  Thit  regulation 
will  6t'  ttrictlif  ailttered  to." 

"A  course  t worn  no  use  harguifyiiig  of  it,  vith  them  fellers,  wieh 
there  v.-os  krushers  apdy  or  \>IL  SCOGGINS  e'd  So  got  is  Monkey 
hup  that  e'd  avc  tried  if  fixzicle  force  of  hargunint  would n  ave  puf- 
swaded  of  em  as  hour  Togs  wos  hall  serene,  my  Mawleys  was  a 
hitching  halao  fur  to  avc  a  evack  at  sum  of  them  chaps  nuts  and  if 
them  krashen  adnt  ad  their  Ise  oa  us  i  dont  say  as  i  mitent  jist  ave 
gnv  a  few  ,  ;  i  upon  the  Konk.  fur  i  jest  puts  it  to  you  mister 

Eedditur  worn',  mi.  ami  j\le  in  wot  you  may  call  right  down  rci/!: -r  i'ancy 
corstume  ?  Ay  \e  wos  heach  on  us  togged  out  in  reggilar  Fancy  r 
wiz  :  vite  Top  Coats  vith  mother 6 purl  buttings  bottle  green  Cutaways 
vith  hornamental  glass  dittos  red  welwet  wests  hand  Spicy  tight  cord 
kicksys  blue  binlseyc  fogle  and  vite  castors  vith  black  crape  on  em. 
,'iuiey  dress  peraps  MOUSSEER  ,h:LYUX  ull  tell  a  cove  wot 
is.  And  prehaps  eel  forrud  BIT,  and  me  the  2  arfguineas  aswe'd 
paid  a  we.  k  beforeand  fur  our  tikkets,  vith  a  trifle  fur  to  compensate 
fur  the  Hinjry  to  our  Krakters  iii  beiu  stopped  as  ve  wos  in  the  I's  of 
all  the  public. 

/'Awadin  your  reply  leastways  MOTTXSEER  JULYUXS  i  remanc 
mister  hedditur  your  most  obeejuut  Suvvnt  to  comand 

"  SAM  BLOBBIKS 

"  wieh  roy  fitintf  Ilalias  is  the  />".  •  <t  ime  allus  in  be  oared  on 

ill  the  Kow  t  Kowcumber  Flash  street  A  market." 


HOJUIOIIS  OF  K.XTOAIOLO      . 

\\  ,i],\  MI  UvsiT.uri:  tells  you,  by  the  mouth  of  Hamlet,  that  there  , 
are   more  things  in.  Heaven  and    Karth   than  ai  ;,  our 

philosophy,  he  tells  yon  a  little  nure  than  what  people  generally  eon- 
sider.     In  Karth,  he  -  'iiingn 

i haii  any  of  which  your  philosophy  dream  .     li^.v  aooom< 
insight  from  which   i  ii  proved   I  . 

rotype,  the  el:  i-tric  telegraph,  the  photograph,  and  other  wonders 
which  have    uirmd    up  sine,-    hi,    d  case  of    (!,- 

<    pninl.      1)::.  (,;:  on  : 

from  bugs;   Mu.  I'i<;il   immetiin'  il,  and   iimis  if   sw;t' . 

with  them.     Whence  came  the  insects?     V  marvel  closely  simil 
occurred    simultaneously.      Prodigies  like    misfnrtuues  ncvei'    eouie 
single.    Among  the  news  of  the  v  •  :  : — 


GOOD-NATURED  THOUGHTS. 

BY  A  SIDPID   HARMLESS  FELLOW. 

IT  1«  not  -onerous  to  blame  Youth  f..r  the  follies  of  younn  men. 

Good  wives,  like  filberts,  will  remain  p»d  for  a  long  time.     It  all  depends  upon 

isband  them, 
oricnce  docs  not  give  us  new  habits,  it  teaches  us  at  all  events  to 

hide  tllU  hltJOH   ill   tin.:  v   V.V  have. 

mnd  iu  a  rough  outside.    Sovereigns  roll  repeatedly  out  of 
-  stocking. 

is  sinkiutr,  nope  is  like  the  Anchor  that  the  Deal  pilots  take  out  to 
a  Ship  in  distress,  um!  \vc  ulinuld  all  volu::  i:iR  it  to  him 

It  is  unkind  to  boast  of  the  Bngli«h  Constitution  in  the  presence  of  Foreigners, 
•alula  never  exactly  like  to  hear  a  strong  man  bragging  about  his  In 

,  always  a  paiuful  tiling.     It  is  like  a  clii.d  looking  at 
hed  liis  face. 

A  surly  rei'cpti.m  fn.m  :i  debtor  raisvs  a  pleasing  hope  of  payment ! 
II  wo  only  said  one  half  of  the  witty  things  that,  on  reflection,  wo  feel  we  micht 
and  ought  to.  have  said,  what  clever  fellows  we  should  bo  ! 

We  1.  ive  at  .11  scvn  a  cow  ]>art  with  lu-r  milk  in  the  most  patient  matter  and 
then  tun;  round,  and  upset  tho  pail.  It  reminds  us  always  of  a  generous  action 
gracelessly  dune  ! 

THE  "I'OOoxs  ET  ORIGO"  OF  A  STEREOSCOPE  PORTRAIT.— Two 
Heads  are  belter  than  one. 


Mi 


"f  t'no 


.  '  '.vnf.n 


oxliilnted  a  new  s]«  •  •-  tiauu 

fciunil  in  a  'ml  m  <;  :><;i>iead.    This  i  •ianukur  is  twauty  times  l»rgtr 

.  lieory  of  the  Transmigration  of  Souls  might  account  for  the 

Lit  of  this  imperial   lira:  but  this  is  a  heresy.    Kutto  , 
degrc  i  !iis  kind  of  development  proceed,  for  auirlit  we  I,  •• 

To  what   dimensions  may  not  a  (lea-bite   at  lain:1     \Vhatistopn 
the  development,  of  a  (lea  as  big  as  a  common  flea  looks  when  magni- 
fied  by  the  oxv-hydrogen  microscope  f     Are  we  secure  againtt  the 
occurrence  of  (leas  each  large  enough  to  eat  up  a  v.-liule  man,  and 
riii.?  the  prowess  of  a  ST.  GEUHGE  or  ofoWwe  Hall  to 

destroy  it,  or  the  aid  of  a  b-pounder  to  crac'. 


1'LOWERS  FROJI  IE  FOLLET. 

•ONO  other  particulars  of  " Fashions  for  December"  our  papilio- 
naceous contemporary  informs  the  ladies  that— 

'•  S|ii»ro  low  bodM»for  dinuer^resses  are  morain  request  than  tho  -low  body  of 

dress." 

Square  low  bodies.  My  Gracious  !  Oh  !  Fancy  a  low  square  body 
in  any  dress.  How  very  plain !  And  a  low  body  in  a  ball-dress  would 
be^a  perfect  fright — wouldn't  ii  ': 

The  softer  sex  is  also  presented  wit  h  the  following  information  :— 
"  It  is  said  that  some  of  our  tWonnftt  iutei>4  to  introduce  the  fashion  of  wearin" 
natural  flowers  in  the  hair  this  winter.     Wu  hope  it  will  not  prove  mere  rumour  as 
no  work  of  art  can  compare  with  that  of  nature.    Such  a  coijfvre  must,  of  course  be 
very  recherche,  but  it  will  necessarily  be  very  ojcptnbive." 

Oh,  My !  Natural  flowers  in  the  hair  in  December  !— won't  they  !,<• 
nice  ?  In  the  summer  one  wouldn't  care  about  them— but  at  Christmas 
they  will  be— oh! -so  very,  very  pretty.  Very  likelv  they,  will-  be  a 
little  dear,  but  law,  what  signifies  ?— and  so  much  the  better  for  the 
frozen-out  gardeners  and  people  out  of  employ. 

N.B.  The  above  comments  are  all  fancy.  Mr.  Punch  merely  imagines 
that  he  hears  them.  It  may  be  very  true  that  he  is  a  goose.' 


THE    QUESTION-   BEFORE    THE    HOUSE.— Dry    as    the    ilonetarv 
Debates  may  be  deemed,  they  relate  to  a  subject  of  immense 


240 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  12,  1857- 


WHERE    IGNORANCE    IS    BLISS.' 


Podgers  Quintus. 


THE  TENT. 

"  Oh  t  here '«  a  lox  o'  Lmifers,  let 't  make  a  fire  iruidc." 


Podgers  Secundus.  "  Oh,  come  tip-stairs,  Katey,  and  play  '  Soldiers  in  the  Crimea '  with  us,  and 
(sotto  vooe)  we  've  got  such  a  stunnin'  Tml." 

Eldest  Miss  P.  "  TJiere,  you  may  go  and  play  with  your  brothers  now,  Katey,  and  don't  yet  into 
Mwchief." 


THE  STRONG-MINDED  WOMAN'S  CLUB. 

CEKTAIN  Blue-stockings  met  together  to  establish  a  club.  Everything  was  ready — 
pounds  of  tea  had  been  ordered  in.  FANNY  FERN  was  to  have  taken  the  chair  on  the 
opening-night ;  when  lo  and  behold !  the  Committee  quarrelled,  and  the  club,  in  one  dark 
moment,  was  broken  "to little  bits."  It  seems  they  could  not  agree  as  to"  WHETHER 
GENTLEMEN  SHOULD  BE  ADMITTED  INTO  THE  SMOKING-ROOM?"  The  Blue-Stockings  have 
been  at  scissors  drawn  ever  since. 


SEEENADE  FOE  THE  SESSION. 

HERE'S  Parliament  met  in  December  ! 
What,  a  nuisance  to  many  a  member  ! 

Sad  abbreviation 

Of  their  short  vacation ! 
For  that  began  hard  on  September. 

The  QUEEN  must  have  had  a  strong  reason 
For  thus,  at  this  present  odd  season, 

The  Houses  convoking, 

In  haste  hot  and  smoking, 
But  the  matter  is  less  than  high  treason. 

For  a  breach  of  our  mere  Constitution, 
Jn  order  lo  stop  prosecuti9n, 

The  breakers,  confession 

Have  made  of  transgression, 
And  wish  to  receive  absolution. 

No  doubt  'twill  be  readily  granted ; 
They  having  no  error  recanted  : 

"They  will  freely  be  shriven, 

And  fully  forgiven, 
When  all  the  great  spouters  have  ranted. 

Necessity  governed  their  action, 

They  had  to  remove  a  contraction, 
Which  commerce  entangled, 
And  soon  would  have  strangled : 

They  won't  have  to  make  satisfaction. 

Constraint  made  them  break  the  Bank  Charter, 
Which  nearly  had  brought  us  to  barter; 

It  must  have  been  broken, 

When  all  shall  have  spoken, 
Will  be  owned  in  almost  every  quarter. 

But  oh !  what  a  deal  of  debating. 

Of  mouthing,  and  preaching,  and  prating, 

Of  frothy  oration, 

And  vague  declamation. 
The  matter  in  hand  are  awaiting '! 

LORD  DERBY  will  flow  like  an  ocean, 
On  amendment  as  well  as  on  motion, 
DISRAELI  speak  columns, 
And  GLADSTONE  talk  volumes, 
Devoid  of  a  sensible  notion. 

For  nights  will  the  farce  be  repeated, 
The  question  confusedly  treated, 

With  cheers  and  with  laughter, 

The  orators  after, 
Each  joke  and  each  common-place  greeted. 

And  many  a  diligent  crammer, 
Statistics  and  figures  will  hammer ; 

A>  ul  some,  approbation, 

Will  earn  by  quotation, 
From  Eton's  profound  Latin  Grammar. 

So  let  us  sing,  "  Ut  sunt  Di>;oi'/!,,i, 
Mars,  Bctcchus,  Apollo  ;  mronmi " — 
And  "  E/odiuntitr  " 
Those  "  opes  "  which  (suuf)  are 
Oar  "  irritamenta  aalorum." 


VERY  SORRY  TO  HEAR  IT. 

IN  the  last  theatrical  news  from  New  York  we 
read  an  announcement  evidently  intended  to  be 
complimentary,  but  which  does  not  speak  well 
for  the  kind  of  entertainments  patronised  by  the 
Americans. 

"At  444  Brojulway  are  NAGLE'S  Juvenile  Comeciana. 
Here  28  children  play  light  pieces  <n  a  i,ianncr  t<> 
ildiritu  tlit  lilneli." 

We  are  extremely  sorry,  and  think  that  the 
sooner  the  41-1  is  shut  up  and  the  28  well 
whipped,  the  better. 


INFALLIBLE  SIGN  or  THE  NEAK  APPROACH 
OF  CHBISTMAS.  —  The  annual  prize  has  been 
awarded  to  PRINCE  ALBKRT'S  Pig. 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIH  LONDO.V  CFIARIVARL— DECEMBER  12,  1857. 


THE     STATE     BUTLER 

Gets   up   Another   Bottle  of  Fine    Old   Smoke. 


DECEMBER  12,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CIIAIUVA1M. 


243 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

UNTI.K 

called    the    Britishers' 
••'•tlier.  Ye<, 
We  will  explain 
presently. 

To-day  !!KI:  MAJESTY 
"  owned  Parliament,'1 
as  the  newspapers  say, 
talking  of  Parliament  as 
if  it  were  an  oyster,  to 


be  opened  for  its  pearls 

f        •     i     .  n'l 


Loau  MKIU  ATOR  (OVEBSTOSE)  was  for  letting  everybody  eo  to  ruin 

or  not,  just  as  might  happen,  provided  his  »>  -  8  adhered  to. 

.-!i,  hut   I  he  s'orm  would  clear  the  air. 

LOUD  1  a  less  philosophical  and  more  merciful  view. 

:IV. 

recorded  I  hut  I  .•  'is  seat. 

LOUD  1'rNcu  h:td  thoughts  of  introducing  !i:s  friend,  but  I/mo  CAMP- 

i'   a  kind  of  historian 

.  was  desirous  to  do  so,  and   1.  'edly  ; 

gave  way.    The  other  godfather  was  i. 

i  to  remain  awake  1'iiiir  IMKIU 
through  the  oaths,  for  what  will  not  friendship  do? 

In  the  (.'nmmons,  Mil.  \VvKi:iLui    MAHTIV  (in  looked 

1  uilress,  but,  MR.  AKILO*  i>,  of  I  ludders- 
liekl,   was   rather  an   Irish  kind   of  second,   and  took  a  shot  at  his 


of  wisdom.     The  Jioyal   principal.     Of    manufacturers'  distress,    MH.  by  no  means 

Speech    was    singularly   SI,0kc  jn  tlie  easy  hopeful  way  li. -tilting  an  echo,  but  as  one  who  had 
ungrammatical,    winch  »een  and  sympathised.    MR.  DISEABU  then  helped  the  Home, 
was  of  course  not.  the  be  QUEEN,  who  is  bound  by  the  Con-   agreeably,  through  a  consi;  '  ion  of  the  evening,  and  tired  olF 

stitution  to  accept  1.  ;':dse  concords  and  LOBD  I  8ome  neat  epigrams  and  nil  Access  was  in  part  attribut- 

I'AXMI  i:  ,'s  iiiiM  relati'.  ,  nor  was  the  objectionable  1  all  the).:  .  ening  to  study  the  Speech, 

English  to  be  charged  to  i  .    For  he  and   Loin.  i>eno 

Speech,  w!  :,y  the  interlineations  of  such  Membei  .  rs,  but  while  the  Ministers  (like  the  English  assed 

the  Cabinet  as  I  lie.  IV  u!d  allow  to  see  the  document.    For   (|lc  cve  Of  battle   in  somes  and  feasting,  the.  Opposition   Mike  the 

instance,  the  iirst  paragraph  halts  thus  :  —  .       Normans),  .spent,  it  in  religious  exercises.    Copies  of  the  Speech  were 

'  Circumstances  have  recently  nii.en  connected  with,  tlio  commercial  interests  t.f  ,  duly  and  Courteously  sent  by  Ministers,  as  usual,  to  the  hostile  leaders, 

nt  together  before  the  u-,ual  i  but  there  were  no  Tory  dinner-parties  to  discuss  the  manifesto.     ™>  « 


!  better 
WALTOLE, 


the  country,  wh.ej  have  induct- 1  : ' 

time-" 

The  Qn:r.x,  when  lift  to  herself,  always  knows  and  expresses  her 
own  mind,  and  would  m  '•  it  in  doubt  whether  it  were  the 

"circumstances"  or  the  "interests"  which  induced  her  to  summon 
Parliament.    The  Secretary  had  written  :— 

"  I  havo  liccn  induced  by  circumstances,  &c." 

But  LORD  CUANWOKTII  nir.de  siieh  a  fuss  about  beginning  with  what 
he  called  a  good  long  word,  that  ho  was  allowed  to  make  the 
mull,  thereby  disloyally  a^imilatitig  the  QUEEN'S  style  to  his  own. 
However,  the  matter  is  not  of  much  consequence. 
The  Speech  referred  to  the  following  subjects : — 

Suspension  cf  the  Bank  Act. 
Minutiae! ureis'  distress. 
India,  and  our  Her 
Indian  all'air.s  generally. 
I'eace  in  Europe. 
Evacuation  of  Herat. 

Parlianu  nf  ary  Reform. 

1'roperty  and  Criminal  Law  Reform. 

Wisdom  of  HKII  MAJESTY'S  audience. 

The  ceremony  was  made  interesting  by  the  introduction  of  a  little 
sentiment  into  it.  The  Royal  young  lovers,  PRINCE  FREDERICK  and  our 
PRINCESS  were  present  (by  the  way,  Mr.  Punch  begs  to  thank  FREDERICK 
for  his  handsome  gift  of  £100  to  the  Indian  fund)  and  the  people  along 
the  line  of  procession  and  elsewhere  were  quite  enthusiastic  at  the 
sight  of  the  illustrious  couple.  In  other  respects,  everything  was 

"The  debates  <m  the  Address  occupied  the  Lords  until  11,  and  the    andWeficially  made  therein. 
Commons  until  7' 13.    LOUD  PORTJIAX  and  LORD   CAREW  were  the 


So  a 

:  harangue  was  got  out  of  DI/./.Y  than  if  he  had  been  asked  by 
L-OLE,  HEXI.EY,  and  such  like  "  to  stick  that,  (meaning  the  other's 
last  ii  stupidity)  into  his  speech."    MR.  I),  begged  hard  to 

Imv  the  Reform  Bill  at  once,  but  PAM  laughed,  and  told  him  that  he 
would,  P.  hoped,  spend  his  Christmas  more  pleasantly  than  in  culinary 
experiments  upon  the  Ministerial  goose. 

Friday.  LORD  SHAFTESBURY  proposing  a  plan  for  preventing  paro- 
chial parsons  from  prohibiting  promiscuous  preaching  in  their  parishes 
[the  writer  is  open  to  an  engagement  for  composing  any  Christmas 
play-bill]  was  furiously  assa.  MUF.L  of  the  Stalwart  Legs,  who 

actually  charged  him  with  "indecency."  LOBD  GRANVILLE  thought 
such  language  rather  objectionable.  LORD  ELLEN-BOROUGH  gave 
notice  of  an  elephantine  charge  upon  the  Government  in  the  matter  of 
India,  and  if  disagreeable,  things  ran  be  said  on  the  subject,  Mr.  Punch 
has  every  confidence  in  ELLEN-BOROUGH'S  saying  them. 

MR.  MOXCKTOX  MILNES  demanded  to  know  what  was  to  be  done 
will)  those  ('hex  lioi.iimi,  the  English  engineers  in  the  foul  keeping  of 
KING  ROM  ISA.  I.niio  it  seem  to  think  that  they 

had  much  to  complain  of  now  la  significant  word)  and  said  that  we 
could  not  prevent  their  being  tried  by  Neapolitan  law.     We  only  hope 
in'  has  given  orders  to  our  nearest  Admiral  that  they  shall  not  be 
found  guilty. 

\Ve  incline  to  think  that  a  certain  Cat  then  looked,  if  she  did  not 
leap,  out  of  a  certain  I ' 

MR.  I'ACKE,  Conservative  member  for  S.  Leicestershire,  said  on  the 
report  of  the  Address,  that  the  Speech  from  the  Throne  promised  no 
Reform  Kill.  The  words  were — 

"Tour  attention  will  be  called  to  the  laws  which  regulate  the  representation  of 
the  people  in  Parliament,  with  a  view  to  consider  what  amendments  may  be  i.ifely 


echoes  in  the  Upper  House,  and  LORD  DERBY,  of  course,  cavilled  at 
nearly  every  point  in  the  Address,  and  gave  it  his  cordial  vote.  The 
orator  was  really  eloquent  on  the  deeds  of  our  soldiers  in  India,  and 
amusingly  sarcastic  on  the  general  misdoings  of  Ministers.  He  gave  a 


This  vague  intimation  MR.  PACKE  contrasted  with  the  language 
of  the  Speech,  when  Bills  ready  for  production  were  spoken  of. 
"  Measures  will  be  submitted  for  your  consideration."  He  expounded 
that  the  Ministerial  statement  meant  anything  or  nothing— perhaps  a 
Committee  to  consider  whether  any  and  what  reforms  weie  wanted. 


good  poke  at  LOUD  PALIIEHSTON  for  his  declaration,  at  the  Mayor's  If  there  were  a  Bill,  it  ought  to  be  produced  at  once ;  and  if  it  were 
dinner,  that  we  were  ready  to  fight  anybody  in  Europe;  the  fact  b'eing  [  not  produced  at  once,  but  late,  the  Conservatives  were  not  to  be 


that,  according  to  LORD  P.vt  himself,  there  was  nobody  in 

Europe  who  had  the,  least  idea  of  ficht.ing  us.  [By  the  way,  it  was 
unlucky  that  a  police  case,  in  which  "Joifii  PALMERSTON,"  charged 
wit  h  tiring  a  pistol  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  near  the  Monument,  urged 
that  it  was  quite  an  aimless  demonstration,  had  not  occurred,  to  help 
LORD  DKHKY  to  a  capital  hit.]  THE  EARL  wanted  to  know  what 
had  become  of  China,  and  whether,  as  threatened  last  year,  we  had 
broken  her  up  as  MIL  Qi  11.",  shipbreaker,  broke  his  ships,  namely,  so 
very  small  that  nothing  ce.uld  be  seen  of  her  ?  He  walked  into  the 
unfortunate  CANNING  and  the  Indian  Government,  and  was  not  much 
more  civil  to  the  Government  at  home.  He  was  fora  discriminating  but 
tremendous  vengeance  on  I  he  Indian  miscreants,  for  whom  killing  was 


blamed  should  they  refuse  to  consider  it,  except  with  due  leisure. 

Here  every  one  of  Mr.  Punch's  masculine 'readers  will  be  kind 
enough  to  raise  his  forefinger,  lay  it  to  the  side  of  his  nose,  wink,  and 
then  resume  his  usual  gentlemanly  behaviour.  There  are  exigencies 
when  the  rules  of  politeness  may  be  suspended,  like  those  of 
the  Bank. 

SIR  CORNEWALL  LEWIS,  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer,  then  spoke 
for  about  two  hours.  In  two  minutes,  anybody,  with  Mr.  Punch't  aid, 
shall  be  master  of  the  harangue.  PEEL'S  Act  of  1S44  was  not  intended 
as  a  panacea,  but  only  to  stop  caper  and  panics.  This  last  crisis  had 
nothing  to  do  with  the  Bank  ot  England,  but  was  the  result  of  Ameri- 
can Derangement,  which  had  operated  to  make  necessary  a  Suspension 

i*.i  »i  i  i1  <•     ii        1  *  •        i  •  i*       j  1.  _  i. 


too  good,  and  a  long  life  of  Ir.uniiiations  :md  labour  in  chains  would  be  ;  of  the  Act,  and  a  meeting  of  Parliament  to  indemnify  the  suspenders. 


a  fitter  punishment.  Finally,  he  laughed  at  LORD  PALMERS'; 
Great  Reformer,  who  was  now  roaring  for  reform  "like  a  sucking- 
dove,"  ;  :  1  effected  to  want  to  see  the  Reform  Bill  as  soon  as 
possible.  To  him  GHAXVILLE,  who  had  not  much  to  say,  except 
that  the  Bank  Act  was  not  to  lie  altered,  but  that  an  Indemnity  was  to 
be  taken,  and  the,  subject  referred  .  This  intimation 
incensed  LORD  GREY,  who  thought  th;.'  an  Aft  which  had  to  be 
suspended  whenever  its  slrii  •;  inconvenient  was  a  nullity. 


The  smashed  banks  had  gone,  not  on  account  of  their  notes,  but  of 
other  liabilities,  out  of  their  legitimate  line.  LORD  PAUIERSTON 
having  given  leave,  the  Bank  clerks  were  set  to  carry  Two  Millions 
the  cellar  inlo  the  parlour  of  the  Bank,  and  the  money 
was  put  into  the  big  wine-cooler,  to  be  ready,  but  the  public  had 
called  for  nothing  like  the  amount.  SIR  C.  asked  for  an  Indemnity, 
and  a  Select  Committee  to  inquire  into  the  whole  question.  Mn. 
GLADSTONE  saw  no  sense  in  an  inquiry  which  would  come  to 


244 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  12,  1857. 


.  nothing  and  lie  would  prefer  legislation.  He  said  .that  the  currency  question  had  driven 
'  more  people  mad  than  love.  [Want  of  currency  has,  Mr.  Punch  believes,  especially  as  a  man 
mast  be  mad  who  makes  love  without  it].  Aln.  SPOOOTSE  attributed  the  crisis  to  the  Bank 
Act  itself  and  not  at  all  to  Popery.  MR.  GLYX  did  not,  and  being  a  banker,  thought  the  Bank 
itself  should  have  the  relaxing  P9\ver.  Mil.  HENLEY  charged  the  Act  with  having  created 
a  false  system,  founded  on  re-discounts,  and  inflated  credit.  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL  was  so 
pleased  w'ith  everything  and  everybody  [being  all  cock-a-whoop  at  having  the  .lews  handed 
over  to  him  this  y'ear]  that  MR.  DISRAELI  had  to  rebuke  him  for  "  vague  declamation,"  which 
irreatly  shocked  BENJAMIN.  He  came  out  with  one  of  his  Bangs.  This  crisis  arose,  not  from 
I  he  mismanagement  of  the  currency  of  England,  but  that  of  the  capital  of  Europe.  As 
'  Europe  contains  several  capitals,  it  would  have  been  better  had  he  been  more  precise.  But 
he  soon  stooped,  and  objected  to  the  Ministers  retaining  so  mighty  a  power  as  that  of 
suspending  the  Act,  because  they  might  use  it  to  oblige  a  rich  supporter.  This  brought  up 
SMK  G.  LEWIS  again,  and  he  explained  that  his  Government  had  never  promised  support  to 
some  firm  lie  mentioned— (OVERALLS  AND  JOURNEY  or  some  such  name— we  never  heard 
of  them)  whatever  brag  their  manager  might  have  uttered.  He  then  said,  that  to  pass  this 
Indemnity  Bill  was  the  chief  object  of  the  early  Session,  and  MR.  DISRAELI  courteously 
promised  all  the  opposition  in  his  power.  So  began  the  Little  Session  of  1857. 


"Please,  Sir,  it's  Mr.  Stork,  as  'as  called  with  'is  Little 


HIGH  'JINKS   FOR   THE    HUMBLE    CLASSES. 

IT  will  be  cheering  to  our  humbler  readers,  who  peruse  us  at  the  parochial  institution  or 
the  unpretending  public-house,  to  read  the  following  quotation  from  the  organ  of  the  superior 
classes  :— 

•  "  Jm' i-\?r tw°  anS"ri'  festiTal* ?**  nofc  enou8h  for  t'«>  hard-worked  peasantry.    Kvn-  •  'hHsimas  and 
?»l?nt— every  E;>"ter  mid  \Vhitsuntlde,  every  Mid-summer  and  Michaelmas-sliouM   ic  marked  by 
meetings  ol  rich  and  poor  together. 

This  looks  very  much  as  if  there  was  a  good  time  coming  for  ploughmen  and  carters. 

Ineir  contemplated  meetings  wdl  probably  begin  at  Christmas.    The  landed  nobility  and 

iZif 'Lmost> lf  not  aU  counties,  and  the  dignified  clergy,  will,  on  the  Christmas-Dav  and 

•h-i)ny  now  approaching,  invite  their  poorer  neighbours,  the  hard-worked  peasantry 

to  meet  their  richer  neighbours,  the  farmers,  millers,  and  maltsters,  and  the  large  grocers 

ulors,  and  other. respectable  tradesmen  and  manufacturers  in  the  adjacent  towns     On  that 

t  festival  these  several  classes  will  feast  together,  in  various  halls,  on  the  usual  old 

English  fare     On  Iwelfth-Day,  divers  County  Balls  will  be  given  at  which  all  ranks  will  be 

invited  to  attend,  at  the  expense  of  the  higher.    The  solicitors  and  surgeons,  among  the  rest 

the  lower  orders,  will  then  have  an  opportunity  of  dancing  with  the  daughters  of  persons 

e  infinitely  exalted  above  them  by  having  a  great  deal  to  live  upon,  and  nothing  to  do 


and  by  being  the  children  of  those  who  have  lived 
in  doing  nothing  for  some  generations.  Curates 
as  well  as  other  poor  people,  will  be  invited  to 
these  entertainments  ;  and  if  they  do  not  dance 
at  the  Twelfth-Night  County  Balls,  they  can  look 
on :  and  they  may  play  at  snap-dragon,  and  think 
of  spirituali/.ing  that  amusement.  To  carry  out 
these  arrangements  nothing  more  will  be  neces- 
sary than,  in  the  rooms  where  they  are  to  be 
given,  to  lay  down  cocoa-nut  matting,  so  that 
the  nails  in  the  shoes  of  a  large  proportion  of  the 
guests  may  not  tear  up  the  carpets  or  scratch 
the  floors. 


SECURITY   WANTED. 

13orm. 


0  FREEDOM,  for  which  I  have  sighed 

So  long,  from  the  trammels  of  care  ! 
Intestate  a  miser  has  died, 

And  I  am  his  fortunate  heir. 
At.  last,  independence  is  mine, 

From  fear  I  enjoy  a  release 
Of  ruin  by  others'  design, 

Misconduct,  mistake,  or  caprice. 

.My  ryes  I  can  lift  from  the  board 

Before  me  abundantly  spread, 
No  longer  beholding  the  sword 
Of  DAMOCLES  over  my  head. 
My  cheek  on  my  pillow  can  lay 

And  around  me  my  warm  blanket  draw, 
Nor  think  when  the  workhouse,  one  day, 

May  grudge  me  a  litter  of  straw. 

My  dwelling  to  furnish  I  dare, 

With  pictures  my  walls  to  adorn, 
Nor  ask  myself  how  I  shall  fare, 

Of  all  these  possessions  when  shorn. 
A!V  home  gay  and  cheerful  appears, 

With  objects  which  gladden  my  sight, 
No  longer  an  irony  leers 

In  all  things  that  round  me  look  bright. 

Ay,  now  I  can  travel  at  ease, 

At  home  if  unwilling  to  stay, 
Am  able  to  go  where  I  please, 

Not  being  perplexed  now  to  pay  ; 
Have  something  to  give  or  to  lend, 

Vi'ithout  a  discouraging  sense, 
That  I  may  from  helping  my  friend, 

My  own  parish  put  to  expense. 

And  then  I  can  hunt,  fish,  and  shoot, 

In  peace,  when  for  sport  I'm  inclined, 
Or  sive  to  the  higher  pursuit 

Of  knowledge,  my  undisturbed  mind  ; 
Can  strive  to  become  good  and  wise, 

And  kinsfolk  and  neighbours  to  bless, 
Not  having,  before  my  own  eyes, 

The  spectre  of  want  and  distress. 

That  is,  I  could  do  all  these  things, 

Misgiving  remote  from  my  breast, 
My  money  —  since  riches  have  wings— 

If  I  could  but,  safely  invest. 
The  title  of  land  may  be  bad, 

And  tenants  may  fail  of  their  rents. 
Should  taxes  the  people  drive  mad, 

Then,  what  will  ensure  Three-per-Ccnts? 

When  boards  of  directors  abound 

With  rogues,  what  concern  can  I  trust  ?    , 
1  cannot  tell  rotten  from  sound,  | 

I  know  not  the  thieves  from  the  just  ; 
Alas  !  I  remain  insecure, 

A  beggar's  may  still  be  my  lot  ; 
Confound  it  !  I  cannot  make  sure 

Of  keeping  the  money  I  've  got. 


THE  PURCHASE  SYSTEM.— After  all,  the  COM- 
MANDER-IN-CHIEF is  only  a  superior  Coiaatusion 
Agent. 


,DECEMHER  12,  1857.] 


ITXCII,   oil   TDK   LOM)ON   C1IAIU VAI:I. 


245 


PROCTORS'    PANTOMIME. 

i  istmas-tidu  is  coming  ; 
and,  as  tlic  Observer  would 

'.dandy      exprev* 
"  'tin;  mil,:  of  preparation  ' 
is  now  Bounding  in  our  thc- 

,  and  their  echoes  are 
awakened     by    the    'busy 
hum'  of   labour  th.v 
hides    the     production    of 
those  pantomimic  nov 
with    which    the    '  f, 

on"   is  iiuar 

nually  within  the  walls  of 
nearly  evei  y  English  Temple 
of  TIIKSPIS." 

Now,  we  think  a  proctor 
on  the  stage  in  the  part  of 
Clown  or  Pantaloon  would 
be  as  great  a  novelty  as  any 
audience  on  Boxing-night 
might  reasonably  expect  : 
and  that  this  appearance  has 
been  actually  contemplated, 
a  late  passage  in  the 
Neios  induces  us  to  guess. 
Under  the  lit  heading  of  "A 
i^cene  in  Court,"  the  Pre- 
rogative reporter  thus  de- 
scribes the  rehearsal  :  — 

"  MH.  CHAI-.I  th<  S  nior  Deputy-Registrar,  had  been  admonished  to 

be  mar*  guarded  IB  Ilia  b  ii.ivionr  M  MK.  O;O-SK  in  .-  -  >  the  profession 

generally.     Last  Court  day  MB.  DYNEI.KY  delivered  in  a  Memorial  to  the  J 
which  ho  nmde  aeries  of  connter-i 

ol  tlie  proctorial  body.     No  ,-  \vever,  beeu  delivered  to  HK.  CHOSSE,  who 

ned  to  answer  the  i  •'•• 

POI.SON,  who  presided,  uui.l  tha*.  whatever  comphvnt  MR.  UYNKI.F.T  hnd 
•••  i-L'^uluvly,  and  h'j  (SIR  J.)  wmiLl  tio  the  h'  .--t  he  ecu],!  t.o  <l.> 
justice  between  the  parties.     MR.  DYNVI.I:Y'.S  <•<•  illy  most  unseemly. 

'•Ma.  Uvxr.i  •  ilyl   Surety  I  have  a  right  to  protect  my  character,  after 

my  33  years  of  servi. 

"Sin  .1.  lionsoy.  Undoubtedly.  But  other  persons  hava  also  a  right  to  protect 
their  charaeters." 

It  would  seem  that  MR.  DYNTI.KY'S  notion  of  Protection  is  not 
dissimilar  to  that,  which  not  long  siuce  was  entertained  by  our  worthy 
agriculturists,  liuat  cn-lum—  so  Ions?  as  Number  One  is  safe.  Number 
One  is  the  only  unit  in  the  million  to  whom  it  is  essential  that  protection 
be  extended.  999,999  other  folks  may  lose  their  characters,  but 
MR.  DYNELKY'S  must,  of  course,  at  any  cost  be  guarded. 

What  follows  is  however  still  more  farcical  and  footlightish  :  — 

"  Tho  learned  Judge  ordered  Mo.  DYSELEV  to  furnish  copies  of  his  charges  to  all 
the  parties  concerned. 

"  MR.  i  en  I  shall  have  to  make  nino  statements,  and  how  I  »m  to 

conduct  the  business  of  my  office  in  addition,  I  really  do  not  know.     }|K.  ORHE  has 
.ill  the  morning,  and  I  beg  therefore  to  read  a  passage  from  my 
>•  cting  him. 

"  SIR  J.  IJoDsiix  refined  to  hear:  nevertheless  MR.  DYXFI.F.V  persisted  in  reading 
•IL;«.     In  it  his  charifcd  Mil.  OKME  with  hariug  used  the  following  words  to 
him,  in  l  f  two  rli-rks  ;   '  [  am  .ibout  to  retire  from  my  profession,  and 

my  greatest  satisfaction  in  doing  so  is,  that   I   shall  n--ver  have  any  further  coninm- 
iiir  ition  -A  it'n  you,     <u  poor  man,  you  nn':  i  !  '  (Laughtfr.)   MR.  DYNKI.FY 

added  —  Don't  think  that  1  am  at  all  a  poor  man  ;  for  1  have  my  choice  of  receiving 
£1100  a  year  for  doinu  noihing,  or  of  receiving  JC'MW  a-year  for  the'  discharge  of 
my  office  in  tho  New  Court.    I  consider  that  the  whole  of  this  affair  is  to 
me  of  a  position  to  which  I  have  tuirly  earned  a  ri.^'ht.     I  feel  myself  peculiarly 
of  this  day.  and  it  1  'Ion's  think  proper  to  deliver  the 


I  by  the  Court,  1  shall  tn::-  .ir»e. 

•'  Tho  p.dnlhl  ili-i'iis.-iion  wus  then  brought  to  a  close." 

The  position  to  which  this  Senior  Deputy  Registrar  has,  in  our 
opinion,  "fairly  earned  a  right,"  and  of  which  we  should  regret 
assisting  to  deprive  him,  is  a  place  upon  "  the  boards,"  we  will  not  say 
vsClov  :  me  hardly  knows  which  quality 

to  admire  the  most  —  his  pathetic  humour,  or  his  persevering  bore- 
ishness.  Perhaps  the  greatest  hit  of  his  morning's  performance  was  the 
way  in  which  he  turned  from  lament  ing  his  distressed  and  over-worked 
condition,  to  attacking  MR.  OMIE  for  smiling  at  his  grief.  The 
suddenness  of  the  transition  from  pathos  to  malignity  is  really  quite 
Piobsonic;  and  the  petulant  refutal  of  the  charge  of  being  poor 
reminds  us  much  of  Daddy  Harrfarr™'  denial  that  he's  rich.  In  his 
excitement  MR.  l;  :c  liit.le  fact,  that  the  poverty 

he  had  been  taxed  with  was  that  of  intellect,  not  pocket,  and  his 
letting  out  that  he  could  choose  between  an  income  of  £1100  a-year  for 
doing  literally  nothing,  and  one  of  £2000  a-year  for  perhaps  not  doing 
much,  we  can  but,  look  at  as  a  letting  of  the  cat  out  of  the  blue  bag,  in 
which  receptacle  the  animal,  for  proctorial  reputation-sake,  had  best 
have  been  kept  hidden. 

A  morning  performance  is  in  general,  we  think,  a  rather  t.->.me  affair 
—  but  we  regret  that  we  missed  witnessing  the  one  we  have  described, 
for  the  "scene"  must  really  have  been  quite  as  good  as  any  play  which 


one  can  now-a-nights  see  ac'ed.  As  it  is,  we  must  congratulate  the 
body  of  proctors  upon  the  histrionic  talent  which  their  Member  haa 
displayed,  and  we  think  with  very  little  practice,  his  "position"  as  a 
pantomimisl  mL-ht.  be  lastingly  Becawd.  By  devoting  a  half-hour  or 
so  diiih  mly,  the  learned  gentleman  would  soon  ae 

L'i:  of  tradi  :ui>t  climb  to  an, acquaintance 

with  the  higher  br:  ;  he  art.     From  the  IMU  ring  way 

red   MIL.  OujiK,  we  have  very  little  doubt    \ 

would  sp;edi!y  succeed  in  balking  Pantaloon  in  the  nio.it.  risible  of 
fashions;  a'ld  seeim:  how  he  stirred  up  ei  V>ul  him, it  is  clear 

he  has  a  special  aptitude  for  handling  the  IMI.  p  iker. 


WORDS  TO  Tin-:  I;.WISE;  OR,  THE  DONKEY'S 

DICTION  A 11 V. 

AHVICE.  Generally  consists,  even  when  the  giver  is  sincere,  ill  reconi 

;<>  imitate  himself.   One  man  telk  another  what 

i-'s  place,  instead  of  telling  him  what 

would  be  best  for  him,  differently  constituted,  to  do  in  his  own.  Advice 

I'limmonly  mere  dictation;  the  expression  of  a  desire  to 
other  people's  inclinations  and  regulate  their  conduct.    In  reviewing 
our  past  career,  we,  in  almost  every  instance,  repent  of  having  taken 

iee  we  took,  and  rejoice  for  not  having  taken  that  which  we 
rejected.  Medical  advice  is  of  dubious  value,  and  advice  grata  is  not 
worth  what  it  is  offered  for.  Little  dependence  can  be  placed  on  any 

nit  that  of  a  respectable  solicitor. 

liAXTEii.  Is  the  polite  and  playful  expression  of  contempt.     It  is  the 

•leinen  who  despise  one  another.     Nooodv  dares  to 

banter  the  QUEE.V,  or  a  jucl  ze  on  the  oench,  or  anybody  that  he  fears.  The 

of  banter  are  usually  those  on  whom  it  can,  or  gentlemen  think 
that  it  can,  be  practised  with  impunity.  Banter  tires  a  philosopher  as 
reasonable  conversation  bores  a  tool.  To  rid  yourself  of  the  plague  of 
banter  you  must  retort  it,  but  in  the  retaliation  of  banter  care  should 
be  taken  to  return  insult  for  insult  in  an  elegant  and  pleasant  manner. 
CHAFF.  "Who  ate  puppy-pie  under  Marlow  Bridge?"  is  an 

e  of  chaff,  as  oftentimes  addressed  to  Thames  bargemen. 
CliaM',  between  blackguards  is  what  banter  is  between  gentlemen.  It 
is  the  reciprocal  raillery  of  cads  and  rascals.  ""Where  were  you  last 
night  ?  "  and  "  Who  stole  ducks  ?  "  may  be  taken  as  popular  instances 
of  chaff.  "  How  about  Botley  assizes  ?  "  is  a  piece  of  chaff  commonly 
addressed  by  Hampshire  clowns  in  general  to  the  particular  clowns  of 
Botley,  in  that  county.  The  Hampshire  assizes  are  held  at  Winchester ; 
but  ti  adit  ion  relates,  that  once  upon  a  thne,  a  man  was  hanged  by  the 
inhabitants  of  Botley,  because  he  could  not  drink  more  than  a  certain 
quantity  of  beer.  Allusion  to  this  piece  of  Lynch  law  is  a  method  of 
insulting,  or  chaffing  a  Botley  rustic,  which  is  to  this  day  practised  with 
high  success — in  violently  enraging  him.  Ostlers,  ana  the  generality 
of  the  rogues  that  are  concerned  about  horses,  are  especially  prone  to 
bandy  chaff.  The  triumph  of  chaff  lies  in  the  excitement  of  wrath ; 
but  the  sting  of  chaif  and  banter,  for  the  most  part,  consists  rather 
in  insolence  than,  in  satire. 


FAIR  AND  FOUL  ILLUSIONS. 

FOR  once  in  the  way,  we  are  enabled  to  praise  an  advertising  doctor, 
and  we  seize  the  opportunity  of  doing  so  with  delighted  avidity. 
PROFESSOR  WILJALBA  FHIKBLI,  describing  himself  as  "  Physician  to 
their  Majesties  the  EMPKKOR  and  EMPRESS  OF  RUSSIA,"  announces 
that  "  his  new  and  original  Entertainment,  performed  without  the  aid 
of  any  Apparatus,  entitled  Two  HOURS  OF  ILLUSIONS,  will  commence 
at  8,  and  terminate  at  10  o'clock."  Here  we  have  a  Physician  candidly 
avowing  that  his  professional  practice  consists  in  the  production  of 
illusions.  How  much  more  honest  and  respectable  is  such  a  Physician 
than  an  M.D.  who  professes  to  cure  diseases  by  means  of  homoeopathic 
globules !  Those  illusions  are  merely  harmless,  but  the  illusions  of 
PR.  FRIKELL  are  not  only  harmless  but  amusing,  and  hence  probably 
in  some  degree  medicinal.  Entertaining  illusions  are  better  cures  for 
low  spirits  than  quack  medicines.  These  pretended  specifics  are 
illusions  of  the  nature  of  the  Jack-o'-lantern,  and  lead  those  who  are 
deceived  by  them  through  long  and  dreary  mazes  into  final  grief.  The 
patent  medicine  is  the  lantern ;  the  advertiser  of  it  is  the  Jack,  or 
knave,  that  goes  about  with  his  imposture  under  the  patronage  of  the 
(iovennnent,  whose  stamp  is  a  warrant  to  the  British  Public  that  the 
rascal's  good-for-nothing  or  pernicious  compounds  are  genuine. 


|  ADVERTISEMENT.  ] 

THE  GENERAL  OMNIBUS  COMPANY  respectfully  begs  leave  to 

+-  inform  the  publie  that  it  is  a  malicious  libel,  published  hy  an  enemy,  which 

•:Lrers  hy  tho  Company's  Omnibuses  from  Chelsea  to  London, 

to  t-iko  th-.ir  dinners  with  them.     It  may  not  be  unwise  in  such  passei'ffftrg  to 
ut  tho  Company  pledges  it^eifthat  any  of  its 
••  ing  Chelsea  before  ton  o'clock,  shall  reach  Temple    Bar  bofore 
dinner  time. 


246 


1TNCM,    OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  12,  1857. 


NO  CALLING  NAMES. 

"  MR.  PUNCH, 

"  THERE  's  a  music-seller  in  Bond 
Street  as  advertises  a  SODS  of  the  name  of 
'  Dirli  ben  mio  nun  rorrei.'  Now  I  say,  sur,  this 
here 's  a  coinen  of  it  too  strong.  In  course  it 's 
quite  clear  who  they  means  by  Dirii  Leu.  The 
tumble  Member  for  Bucks  mayn't  be  over- 
partiMer  in  liis  opposition  inanoovers:  but  he 
ain't  so  bad  as  that  comes  to.  They  all  ilings  a 
little  dirt  at  each  other  now  and  then,  and  they 
hain't  got  no  call  to  make  songs  about  he  for 
doing-  of  it,  as  thof  lie  was  any  more  dirtier 
than  the  rest  on  'em.  I  begs  to  sign  myself, 
accordiii  to  what  I  be  told  to  by  a  BCoDard, 
"  Your  sarvunt  to  command, 

'•  GEICOLER." 

"  P.S.  I  don't  know  French  nor  Jannan ;  but 
I  can  guess.  'Dirii  len  tion  vorrei,'  I  fancy, 
means  to  tell  un  not  to  iruiTij,  Means  that  for 
wit  I  spose.  Yaa ! " 


Contemplative  Dustman  (loq.).   "  Ha!    if  them  Slops  fitted  him  yesterday,  v:lai  it  Uuvful 
Night  the  Pom  Fdler  must  ka'  Passed  to  Pull  Him  Down  so ! " 


A  Counterblast  for  Puffing-. 

(Tu  be  Committed  to  Jl/< -nory.) 

MY  son,  each  rogue  eschew 
Of  the  Advertising  pack. 

He 's  generally  a  Jew, 
Invariably  a  Quack. 


TIIE  WHEEL  OF  FORTUNE.— It  must  have 
belonged  originally  to  an  omnibus .  for  it  is 
continually  "taking  up"  and  "putting  down" 
people. 


ANOTHER    COMMERCIAL    FAILURE. 

FOLLOWING  the  example  of  his  City  acquaintance,  our  young  friend 
MR.  TICKBURY  SQUANDER  on  Saturday  last  affixed  the  following 
notice  outside  the  black  door  of  his  chambers  in  Gray's  Inn. 

TO  MY   CREDITORS. 

"  GENTLEMEN,  December  5, 1S57. 

"  It  is  with  the  utmost  regret  that  I  inform  you,  that  I  have 
been  reduced  to  the  necessity  of  suspending  casli  payments. 

"  Practicallv,  I  trust,  this  announcement  will  cause  you  little  incon- 
venience, as  tlie  considerable  interval  which  has  elapsed  since  my  last 
liberation  of  capital  will  have  enabled  your  affairs  to  adjust  themselves 
without  reference  to  any  extensive  issue  either  of  paper  or  of  gold  on 
my  part. 

"  I  have  handed  over  my  books  to  my  relatives,  MESSRS.  MELTER 
and  THREEBALL,  at  the  corner  of  the  first  passage  to  the  left,  and  I 
have  every  hope  that  in  due  time  I  shall  be  able  to  redeem  all  my 
pledges. 

"  Without  entering  unnecessarily  into  detail,  I  am  bound  to  state, 
that  the  conduct  which  has  been  pursued  by  the  Bank  of  England  has 
entirely  deprived  it  of  my  confidence,  and  that  had  sounder  and  more 
liberal  principles  actuated  parties  in  possession  of  capital,  it  might  not 
have  been  necessary  for  me  to  address  you  upon  the  present  occasion. 
I  cannot  too  strongly  condemn  the  course  taken  by  those  who 
are  ready  to  advance  money  when  it  is  not  urgently  needed,  and 
having  thus  created  fictitious  wants,  decline  accepting  fictitious 
securities. 

"  In  the  course  of  a  few  days  a  Schedule  will  be  laid  before  you, 
comprising  the  total  amount  of  my  liabilities,  with  a  scheme  for  liqui- 
dating them,  which  will,  I  trust,  not  only  meet  your  approbation,  but 
that  of  a  distinguished  legal  personage  who  will  act  as  arbitrator 
between  us. 

"  There  is  a  small  balance  at  present  in  my  possession,  which  I  shall 
feel  it  a  duty  to  hand  over  for  the  benefit  of  my  creditors.  It  is  one  of 
MESSRS.  MORDAN'S,  for  weighing  letters,  and  though  rather  rusty, 
and  somewhat  diminished  in  value  by  the  loss  of  the  weights,  will  show 
my  desire  to  resume  metallic  operations. 

"  To  preclude  any  premature  efforts  of  a  recuperative  character  on 
your  part.  I  will  add  that,  in  justice  to  yourselves,  I  have  retired  into 
provincial  seclusion,  to  make  up  our  accounts,  and  to  prevent/ the 
possibility  of  my  assets  being  diminished  by  any  measures  of  an 
aggressive  nature,  I  have  taken  with  me  both  my  laundress's  key  and 
my  own. 


"  That  wiser  and  better  times  may  return,  accompanied  by  myself, 
,  Gentlemen,  the  sheerest  wish  of 

"  Your  obliged  and  obedient  Servant, 
"  i : raii'f  I,/,/.'1  "  TICKBURY  SQUANDER." 


POPULATION  OF  THE  ANIMATED  KINGDOM. 

\\  i.  read  that  "  in  Austria  the  Census  has  begun  for  animals  as  well  as 
for  human  beings ! "  This  is  an  improvement,  we  fancy,  upon  the  English 
plan  of  merely  dotting  down  the  heads  or  different  members  of  a  family. 
It  is  true,  diiiiculties  might  occur,  and  if  there  is  a  WOMBWELL  in  the 
Austrian  dominions,  he  will  have  to  send  in  a  tolerably  long  list.  We 
can  imagine  the  case  of  an  old  maid  being  awfully  puzzled  witli  her 
Census-paper.  If  one  antiquated  Frauleiu,  who  lives  near  the  Lust- 
(iarten,  in  Vienna,  sends  in  all  the  particulars  of  her  domestic  menagerie, 
it  will  present  some  such  miscellaneous  collection  as  the  following : — 
"5  canaries,  of  which  3  are  hens  and  the  other  2  draw  up  their  own 
Wat  cr  by  means  of  little  buckets :  1  dormouse  that  is  always  asleep  ;  one 

|  hedgehog  in  the  kitchen  to  eat  up  the  filthy  blackbeetles ;  3  guinea-pigs, 
that  feed  out  of  your  hand;  1  Italian  greyhound,  that  is  always  shiver- 
ing from  the  cold,  though  he  has  a  beautiful  pardessus  on,  made  of 
the  finest  pink  merino,  and  trimmed  with  blue  rosettes  and  ribbons ; 
1  .\ I  alay  parrot,  that  talks  five  different  languages,  and  imitates  all  the 

•  cries  of  the  town,  besides  giving  all  the  words  of  military  command 
quite  as  loudly  as  B.ADETSKY  ;  1  cockatoo ;  1  spaniel  (real  Blenheim) ; 
1  l-'rench  poodle  (very  clever — beats  a  drum,  rings  the  bell,  rolls  a 
wheelbarrow,  and  fires  off  a  small  cannon);  1  Angola  eat;  1  Persian 

!  ditto :  12  tortoiseshell  ditto;  1  tame  squirrel,  (follows  you  all  over  the 
house,  like  a  Jesuit) ;  7  white  mice ;  28  kittens,  of  various  ages,  colours, 
and  si/.es,  more  or  less  ! "  The  above  list  would  be  exclusive  of  the 

I  Cochin-chinas,  bantams,  and  other  pets  of  the  poultry -yard. 

You  may  be  sure,  there  is  an  equal  amount  of  brute  wealth  in  England. 

|  If  a  similar  Census-paper  for  animals  were  circulated  here,  we  have  a 

;  strong  suspicion  that  the  returns  would  prove  that  in  tame  squirrels, 

i  accomplished  canaries,  polyglot  parrots,  and  encylcopicdical  dogs  and 
poodles,  we  were  the  richest  country  in  the  world.  Why  in  cats  alone, 
we  should  lick  the  rest  of  the  universe ! 


NEAT  THING  BY  A  DUBLIN  UNIVERSITY  MAN.— A  Lady  was  showing 
him  some  terrier  puppies,  and  deploring  what  they  had  to  undergo. 
"  Their  tails  are  fated,"  she  remarked.  "  Yes,  M'm,  as  we  say  in  the 
classics,  7'aliafalur,"  was  his  sparkling  reply. 


rrmte4  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Flare,  and  F.-ederiek  Mullett  Evan«,  of  *o.  19,  Quf  'n's  Ito».i  West.  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Pari«)i  of  St.  Panrru,  in  the  County  of  51id.lle«e*. 
iSii  JM.-SJI  Ji'iif  'UICIMMI IT-  I's""'  '"  tlU:  rreci°cl  of  Wh«tfri«".  ln  "»  «')•  of  l...nrtm,   an.!  PuMUheil  by  them  at  No.  S5,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of 


DECEMBER  19,  1857.] 


OR  THE   LONDON  CIIA15IVAUI. 


247 


HORRIBLE    (  .(  E   OF   EATING   TOO   MANY   MUSHROOMS 

FOR    SUPPER. 


I 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 


Monday,  1th  I)ccc,,i/,>r.  llereon  occurred  a  good  instance  of  the 
respect  entertained  by  Ministers  for  the  Houses  of  Parliament.  In 
the  Lords,  the  EARL  OF  ELLENBOROUGH  brought  up  the  conduct  of 
LORD  CANNING  towards  the  English  in  India,  and  that  unfortunate 
Lord  was  severely  handled  and  weakly  defended.  As  CANNING,  and 
by  inference,  the  Government  that  supported  him.  were  catching  it, 
LORD  GHANVILLE  dexterously  tossed  in  the  telegraphic  message 
which  arrived  that  evening,  and  the  welcome  news,  that  SIR  COLIN 
CAMPBELL  had  reached  Cawnpore,  let  the  Ministers  down  easy.  There 
was  no  harm  in  this  device ;  but  now  please  to  notice.  In  the  Commons 
LORD  PALMKRSTON  was  interrogated  about  the  same  despatch,  and  he, 
not  at  the  moment  wanting  any  sop  for  Cerberus,  declared  that  he  did 
not  think  the  message  had  any  value,  or  was  more  than  an  echo  of  what 
we  already  knew. 

LORD  MULGRAVE  is  made  Bailiff  of  Hempholme,  so  the  virtuous 
Scarboroughites  may  choose  a  new  member.  They  cannot  choose  a 
more  urbane  one  than  the  courtier  who  has  just  left  them  for  a  better 
berth. 

LORD  PALMERSTON  brought  a  message  from  the  QUEEN  recommend- 
ing the  Commons  to  confer  a  pension  of  £1COO  on  SIR  HENRY  HAVE- 
LOCK  for  saving  India.  This  was  not  thought  enough,  as  we  give 
YEHNON  SMITH  £4000  for  losing  India;  and  later  in  the  week,  it  was 
agreed  that  the  pension  should  be  given  for  two  lives,  that  of  the  Indian 
hero  and  his  son.  MR.  WHITE,  member  for  Plymouth,  made  some 
MTV  sensible  observations  contrasting  the  small  honours  given  to 
HAVELOCK  with  the  large  ones  which  had  been  accorded  to  the  Cri- 
mean blunderers,  and  LORD  PAM,  who  perfectly  understood  M  K. 
WHITE,  pretended  to  think  he  meant  to  disparage  the  real  achievements 
of  the  Itussian  Campaign,  and  fired  away  much  mock  indignation. 

Hut  MR.  WHITE 

\V.-is  very  right, 
And  Punch  declares  it  hard,  again, 

That  HAVELOCK  wears 

The  badge  that  Hares 
On  LUCAN  and  on  CARDIGAN. 

The  Bill  approving  what  LORD  PALMERSTON  did  at  the  Bank  was 
read  a  second  time,  and  in  the  course  of  the  week  passed  both  Houses. 

Tuesday.  LORD  SIIAFTESBURY  explained  his  plan  for  enabling  the 
clergy  to  preach  in  Exeter  Hall,  or  where  they  like,  without  reference 
to  the  clergyman  of  the  parish.  To  speak  theatrically,  the  Earl  thinks 
that  if  the  regular  company  cannot  "  draw,"  the  star 'system  should  be 
introduced.  Touching  which  matter,  .Mr.  Punch  has  one  thing  to  sav. 
It  is  announced  that  there  are  to  be  night  services  in  the  grand  ofd 
nave  of  Westminster  Abbey.  This  is  well.  But  the  Abbey  must  be 
warmed  and  lighted,  and  Mr.  Punch  hereby  gives  notice  that  he 


expects  the  Chapter  personally  to  see  the  lights  and  fires  out  every 
night,  as  he  is  not  goinir  to  have  the  Abbey  burned  down,  merely 
because  I  lie  Westminster  parsons  cannot  get  people  into  their  own 
churches.  Note,  that  some  of  the  Bishops  do  not  approve  of  LORD 
SIIAFTKSHURY'S  plan ;  but  all  those  whom  he  has  made  (he  is  called  the 
liisjiop-Maker  in  tin-  House)  are,  of  course,  on  his  side. 

This  was  the  day  of  the  Great  Fog,  and  the  DUKE  OF  CAMBRIDGE 

could  not  get  to  (In-  House  in  time  to  speak  on  the  HAVI:I.<ICK  grant, 

but  oame  down  at  last,  and  appended  his  approbation,  in  terms  which 

the   Duke  possibly  did  not.  mean  should  convey  the  idea  they  appear 

namely,  that  he  undervalues  the  importance  of  the  Indian 

jgn. 

In  the  Commons,  Circumlocution  came  out  strong.  Calcutta  has 
memorialised  Government  to  take  away  the  ridiculous  CANNING.  The 
llou^e  wants  to  see  the  memorial,  but  YEKSOX  SMY.H  m:  will  not  pro- 
duce it,  because  it  was  not  forwarded,  according  to  etiquette,  through 
tliat  \en  Governor-General,  and  has  sent  it  back  to  India,  to  come 
round  the  regular  way.  But  surely  there  must  be  a  copy,  which  will 
quite  answer  the  House's  purpose. 

Wnlii'"'l-r,i.  Nothing  particular  beyond  a  rather  pedantic  protest  by 
M  u  GLADSTONE  against  the  House's  interfering  to  increase  the  reward 
to  HAVELOCK.  It  would,  he  thought,  lessen  the  value  of  such  things, 
if  the  Crown  were  dictated  to.  This  is  nonsense.  If  our  gracious 
QUEEN  were  an  autocrat  of  the  days  of  chivalry,  and  hung  ropes  of 
pearl  on  a  gallant  knight's  neck  while  inserting  rolls  of  bank-notes 
into  his  gauntlet,  interference  with  a  Lady's  will  and  pleasure  would 
be  impe'tinent.  But  as  these  Royal  Messages  are  now  discussed  by 
some  elderly  gentlemen  in  Downing  Street,  and  written  out  by  a  clerk, 
before  the  QIEEN  hears  of  them,  the  case  is  altered,  and  theie  is  no 
impropriety  whatever,  when  HER  MAJESTY  says,  "  I  should  like  to  tip 
that  good  boy,"  for  the  Parliament  to  answer,  "Do,  your  MAJESTY, 
and  we  '11  imitate  your  Grace."  MR.  GLADSTONE  has  been  translating 
HOMER  until  he  has  translated  himself  back  to  the  times  of  MEMNON, 
and  his  daughter  AGGY  MEMNON. 

Thursday.  LORD  MELVILLE,  a  grave  authority  on  such  a  matter, 
intimated  his  belief  that  the  Government  were  deeply  culpable  in  the 
matter  of  the  Indian  revolt,  having  leceived  long  before  its  breaking 
out,  warnings  which  should  have  induced  them  to  take  precautionary 
measures.  LOUD  GRANVILLE  pretended  not  to  know  anything  about 
it.  LORD  PINCH  was  not  in  the  House,  or  would  have  asked,  whether 
LORD  DALHOUSIE  did  not,  a  year  and  a  half  ago,  call  the  attention  of 
the  Indian  authorities  to  the  absolute  necessity  for  increasing  our 
military  force  in  something  like  proportion  to  our  increased  territories, 
and  whether  he  was  not  pooh-rjooh'd. 

In  the  Commons  the  memorial  of  the  oppressed  Belgravians  against 
the  Organs  was  presented  by  SIR  JOHN  SHELLEY,  and  it  excited  the 
earnest  sympathy  and  indignation  of  the  House.  It  is  to  be  hoped 
that  the  Nuisance  will  now  be  dealt  with,  either  by  making  organ- 
|  grinding  a  felony.  Meantime,  and  until  legislation  takes  place, 
why  not  teach  bull-terriers  to  fly  at  the  leggings  of  the  savages  ?  A 
couple  of  docile  dogs  would  clear  a  whole  neighbourhood.  We  pre- 
sent the  hint  to  MR.  BISHOP,  of  Bond  Street,  and  also  to  MR.  BILL 
GEORGE,  of  Tyburnia. 

LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL  then  brought  up  a  new  subject,  of  much  interest. 
It  seems  that  there  are  40,000  Jews  in  England,  but,  owing  to  certain 
formalities  in  the  oath  of  a  member  of  Parliament,  not  one  of  these 
Hebrews  is  able,  if  elected,  to  take  his  seat  in  the  House  of  Commons. 
This  really  seems  very  hard,  not  so  much  upon  them,  as  upon  England 
generally,  who  is  prevented  from  choosing  any  representative  she  may 
{jlease,  or  rather  who  may  please  her.  LORD  JOHN  proposes,  in  next 
Session,  to  alter  the  oath,  in  the  case  of  the  Jew,  and  to  enable  him  to 
serve  his  country. 

Friday.  There  were  Currency  debates  in  both  Houses.  Mr.  Punch 
would  not  outrage  his  readers'  feelings  by  doing  more  than  record  such 
doings.  The  details  are  entirely  unsuitable  for  publication. 

In  the  Lords  the  EARL  OP  CLARENDON  "  believed,  but  could  not  say 
for  certain,"  that  the  French  Government  meant  to  abandon  its  free 
negro-labour  scheme,  which  LORD  DERBY,  (the  MR.  STANLEY  of 
Negro  Emancipation  days)  denounced  as  a  recurrence  to  the  slave- 
trade. 

In  the  Commons,  Mr.  TOM  BUNCOMBE  announced  a  plan  of  his  own 
for  letting  the  Jews  in — returning  the  kindness  which,  in  his  time, 
some  of  them  have  probably  shown  him.  He  means  to  proceed  by 
resolution.  But  there  are  such  things  as  Law-courts,  and  between  them 
and  the  House  would  come  a  collision  iu  regard  to  certain  penalties, 
and  though  the  two  great  bodies  would  be  unhurt,  the  unfortunate 
Hebrew  who  would  be  crushed  between  them  would  be  in  no  degree 
comfortable. 

The  Corporation  of  London  is  to  be  reformed,  if  that  body  is  good 
enough  to  approve  the  Government  Bill.  Another  attempt  is  to  be 
made  upon  the  Medical  Profession,  and  a  plan  will  be  introduced  for 
making  something  like  a  Minister  of  Justice. 

The  otlicer  who  captured  the  hoary  scoundrel  called  the  KING  OF 
DELHI,  was  obliged  to  promise  the  old  rutiian  not  to  put  him  to  death, 


VOL.    XXXIII. 


c  c 


248 


PUNCH,    OH   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  19,  1857. 


or  he  would  not  have  come  out  of  his  hole.    A  British  officer's  word  |  material,  or  plus  immaterial,  which  comes  to  the  same  thing,  and  is  to 
must  he  respected.    Imprisonment  in  an  iron  cage  for  the  rest  of  the  \  be  balanced  against  bad  half-crowns  and  counterfeit  coin  generally, 
miscreant's  life,  as^a  spectacle  and  warning  to  his  ex-subjects,  might  |     A  five-pound  note  is  five  moral  sovereigns.   A  counterfeit  five-pound 


perhaps  be  as  beneficial  as  the  gibbet  to  which  a  wietch  who  ordered 
the  slaughter  of  Englishwomen  and  their  children,  ought  to  have  been 

consign'  d. 


note  is  live  immoral  sovereigns — scientifically  speaking,  and  takm* 
into  consideration  1  he  judex  ad  ijuem  and  the  compound  interest  which 
they  bear  in  the  Milbank  Penitentiary,  the  Hulks,  and  the  Penal 


The  CIIAXCKI.LOK  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER'S  motion  for  referring  the  i  Colonies,  which  merely  form  the  coupons  paid  by  the  nation  on  the 
Bank  Act,  and  the  causes   of  the  recent   crisis,  to  a  committee,  was   more  unequivocal  investments  of  rascaldom  traced  back  to  the  purchase 

by  Mit.  DlSKAXUL  who  thought  he  knew  everything  connected   i---i-  — -:— • — "- *-Jii —     TIL.  .    .__.,:.. riL. 

with  the  subject,  but  the  House  resolved  by  295  to  117  that  they  would 
have  another  Blue  Book. 

Satui-day.  An  inquiry  was  arranged  in  which  the  nation  will  take  j  wigs  ar 


much  more  interest ;  namely,  whether  the  Government  did  not  send  the 
soldiers  to  India  by  the  worst  road  instead  of  the  best.  Many  might 
have  been  sent  across  Egypt,  and  the  Cockney  horror  of  VEKKON 
;  K  at  t  he  idea  of  "  plunging  men  into  Egypt  to  be  demoralized," 
was  perfectly  ludicrous.  He  seemed  utterly  unaware  that  there  is  a 
railway  from  the  Sea  to  Cairo,  and  that  the  East  India  cadets  do  the 
rest  of  the  journey  to  Suez,  (a  pleasant  ride,  with  lots  of  refreshment 
places)  in  omnibuses  as  good  as  those  of  the  General  Omnibus 
Company,  and  a  great  deal  faster.  In  such  an  atmosphere  as  this  day's, 
Mr.  Punch  sighs  for  the  pure  skies  of  Cairo,  and  his  own  cloud  in  the 
narghile.  VEKXOX  SMYJTHE'S  face  is  blackened  before  him  for  talking 
such  ineffable  bosh.  Ho !  there,  the  shoes  of  glory  for  his  absurd  feet. 
Give  him  two  dozen,  and  may  it  do  him  good. — Backalloom. 


OUR    CITY   ARTICLE. 


OKIY  is  money — the  first  pro- 
position to  be  established,  to 
an  intelligent  comprehension 
of  the  present  monetary  crisis. 

This  proposition  we  shall 
prove,  as  is  often  done  in 
equally  momentous  instances, 
by  taking  it  for  granted,  or  by 
asserting  it,  which  comes  to 
the  same  thing. 

Well,  it  being  demonstrated 
that  money  is  money,  we  come 
to  the  second  proposition, 
which  involves  an  analytical 
disintegration  of  the  forego- 
ing; and  accordingly  we  re- 
solve it  from  our  immemorial 
experiences  into  the  instru- 
ment of  purchase  in  whatever 
shape,  sign,  or  substance  we 
may  possess  it  for  the  time 
being.  This  power  is  of  two 
kinds,  namely,  material  and 
moral,  or  as  the  latter  might  be 
expressed,  moral^fe*  material. 


power  which  originally  created  them.  The  gpccatMtoaoftfce  counterfeit 
branch  of  this  power  are  somewhat  exceptional ;  and  although  they 
create  and  uphold  purchase  powers  of  another  stamp,  namely,  Judges' 
wigs  and  Barristers'  gowns,  all  the  sharp  practice  of  attorneyism,  and  the 
whole  arms,  legs,  and  instruments  of  the  law,  from  the  Lord  Chief 
Justice's  ermine  to  the  hangman's  rope  ;  their  effect  is,  upon  the  whole, 
the  same  contraction  of  the  moralpurchase  money  of  the  country,  as  the 
restrictive  action  of  the  Bank  Charter  Act  of  1844  exercises  on  the 
Bank-note  circulation  when  the  gold  gets  low. 

But  what  are  all  the  Bank-notes  in  the  world  against  the  solemn 
faces,  fine  dresses,  and  addresses,  regular  obacob-goings,  with  crimson- 
lined  pews,  handsome  equipages,  fine  houses, );;'  >.s,  benevolent 
subscriptions,  soft  voices,  grey  whiskers,  portly  presences,  port-wine 
noses, ' 
ph 
which 

body  social  ?  So  to  speak  syilogiitieally,  if  money  be  money,  and 
purchase  power  be  money,  and  everything  that  conduces  to  credit,  or 
assists  rascality,  be  purchase  power ;  then  everything  is  money — good, 
bad,  or  indifferent— all  the  constituent  small  change  of  the  man  sterling, 
phis  the  £  s.  d.  sterling,  with  their  respective  counterfeits. 

Even  let  a  man's  property  be  entirely  personal,  that  is  to  say,  let  his 
only  hereditary  estate  be  "  that  estate  of  sin  and  misery  "  on  which, 
as  we  are  all  heirs  to  it  in  common,  no  one  can  be  expected  to  advance 
money  :  and  his  personal  property,  that  only  real  property  in  the  world, 
— namely,  what  his  hat  covers — he  has  a  purchase  power  proportionate 
to  face,  figure  and  address  in  the  domain  of  moneyed  spinsters  and 
jointured  widows  so  long  as  he  is  personally  marketable.  When  sold— 
that  is,  when  he  becomes  the  property  of  a  wife — he  has  simply  invested 
his  personal  capital  in  the  estate  of  matrimony,  with.its  contingents. 
He  lias  realised,  as  we  say  on  'Change, — no  doubt  on  a  due  estimate  of 
the  capitalisation  of  dinner-parties,  pleasant  trips  to  Richmond,  white- 
bait at  Greenwich,  petit-soupers,  balls,  and  other  things  of  the  kind,  to 
which  he  has  been  accustomed  in  his  marketable  epoch ;  and  draws,  if 
need  be,  on  the  credit  of  the  honourable  estate  and  the  moral  value  of 
the  pledges  which  are  its  natural  produce. 

Money,  money,  money,  everything  is  money.  And  if  everything 
be  money,  good  money,  bad  money,  or  indifferent  money,  real  coin, 
sweated  coin,  clipped  com,  or  counterfeit  coin,  even  down  to  crapulous 
head-aches  on  which  the  wine  merchant,  the  physician,  the  apothecary, 
and  the  drysalter  all  draw  their  respective  percentages  of  profit :  why 
all  this  patching  at  our  monetary  system  ?  If  the  only  question  be  the 
convertibility,  namely,  the  moral  plus  the  material— why  such  a  legisla- 
tive fuss  about  that  fragment  of  the  great  universal  promise  to  pay — 
the  Bank-note  ?  Why  make  it  dance  and  beck  and  bow  and  come  and  go 
and  rise  and  fall  as  the  mere  shadow  of  its  golden  constituent  ?  Why 
make  a  mere  monetary  coquette  of  it— 

"  Nolit  ubi  vclis,  ubi  nolis  capiat  ultro — " 


i  stock  of   assurance,  or-as  it  is   philosophically  expressed- 
ass,  is  capital  enough  to  begin  the  world  with,  and  is  one  of  the 
most  ordinary  metallic  bases  on  which  men  commence  the  superstructure 
the  credit  system.  A  superfine  coat  with  a  general  neatness  of  attire 
bsidiary  power  of  purchase  ;  namely,  part  and  parcel  of  the  small 
:  that  golden  integer,  the  man  sterling.  A  respectable  frequency 
m  subscription  lists  for  benevolent  institutions,  will  stand  good  for  a 
year's  dealings  with  butchers,  bakers,  grocers    tailors,  haberdashers 
shoe-makers,  blacksmiths,  and  the  whole  circle  of  loci  industry     A 
handle  to  one's    name,  a  fine  house,  a!  handsome  equipage    are  nil 
so  many  powers  of  purchase.    A  solemn  look  will  always  find  an  old 


expre; 

With  the  material  we  have 
nothing  to  do  at  present,  so 
•    ,OTer,  *?  the  bulhomsts,  as  a  settled  question,  we  shall 

Li  ,LmOIal>  WhTh  ^S  S°  ex.ceedingly  unsettled.    A   (alas,  how  painfully  applicable  and  inapplicable  the  two  clauses)  till  it 

of^^^^J^^f^^^Pi0miSe»0pay^!W^^BIIM  cause  its  most  ardent  ™ers,  alike  the  honest  and  dishonest,  to  die 
.  definite  value.  A  regular  attendance  off  in  pecuniary  phthisis,  monetary  consumption,  and  all  kinds  of 

gut  Wble  nd  n^aTrhnnl  f<  ™ '^  cnmsonfll.^s,  .and  a  large  disorders  of  the  chest.  As  well  pass  a  law  regulating  coats,  hats, 
ZLPS*^  P'  30ok>  ls  mor.al  money,  of  indefinite  value.  A  carriages,  horses,  houses,  name-handles,  benevolent  subscriptions, 

sqlemn.faces,  port  wine  noses,  Burgundy  cheeks,  and  all  the  resources 
of  credit  or  of  rascality,  and  all  forms  of  the  moral  money,  plus  or  minus 
the  material  as  the  case  may  be.  Prohibit  people  from  going  to  church 
if  their  bankers'  balances  do  not  justify  so  respectable  a  line  of  conduct ; 
ordain  that  solemn  faces  shall  become  miserable  faces  the  moment  the 
golden  reserve  shows  a  tendency  to  exhaustion ;  that  fat  comfortable 
men  shall  fast  and  get  low  in  the  flesh  when  their  metallic  basis  does 
not  justify  a  creditable  display  of  adipose  tissue ;  that  portly  presences 
shall  deport  themselves  no  longer  uprightly  when  the  golden  stay  is 
withdrawn;  that  port  wine  noses  shall  bleach  themselves  blue  with 
tears ;  and  benevolent  men  contract  their  benevolent  subscriptions  to 
a  certain  statutory  limit,  and  walk  about  with  their  pockets  sewed  up, 
to  show  that  they  have  no  more  use  for  them.  All  these  purchasing 
powers  are  so  much  money,  so  many  promises  to  pay,  so  many  notes 
on  the  great  Credit  Mobilicr  of  public  honesty ;  and  all  the  thirty-eight 
millions  of  bank-paper  in  the  three  kingdoms  are  but  a  fragment  in 
comparison.  The  great  question,  therefore,  is  less  the  convertibility  of 
the  paper  money  than  the  convertibility  of  the  paper  men :  to  distin- 
guish the  real  from  the  counterfeit,  the  honest  from  the  dishonest,  the 
enterprising  man  from  the  gambler;  to  find  a  better  standard  than 
gold  ior  moral  money,  and  a  better  basis  than  gold  for  the  convertibility 
oi  the  man  sterling. 


f  Pf%tly  (i^re'  grey  whiskers,  and  a  port-wme 


witli;.         f  '  s,  an    a  por-wme 

ose  with  a  slight  dash  of  Burgundv  on  the  cheek,  command  universal 

of  a  whit    SU1°L    '  i°11SUef  a  ',ast?  for  Prayer-meetings,  the  first  gloss 
white  neckcloth-only  the  first,  the  first  speck  is  bankruptcv- 


,  speck  is  bankruptcv- 

m,ntf-f4'a  Char^terfor  success>  a  smooth  tongue/worth 
counterfeit-worth,  are  all  so  many  purchase-powers,    so  much 

chail  o  ?6t^  ("  matenalrSO  ma;iy  «"SS3  parts,  so  much  smaU 

s  ot  that  golden  integer-the  man  sterling   plus 
sterling  for  which  he  promises  to  stand  good     Of  course 

biUt    °f  tbe    r 


y  °f  tbe  Pr°"'ise  to 


the  £  s   d 
this  is  ill  »n 


-ri  h  y  °f     e  Pr°"'se  to         -  alled  i       UCS 

,  with  the  stoppage  of  payments  the  whole  becomes  moral  «n«w 


OR   THE   LONDON    CI1AKIVAPJ. 


249 


IMPROVEMENT. 

IIKRE  is  a  plan  about  to  be 
adopted  by  the  Police  some- 
what similar  to  the  one  that 
:  ii  so  long  iii  operation 
by  the  I'osM  Miiee.  The  plate, 
i  certain  distances  pro- 
trudes from  the  lamp-posts, 
directing  the  public  where  they 
may  find  the  nearest  letter- 
box, hr.s  suggested  the  bril- 
liant idea  that  some  such  in- 
dications might  be  beneficially 
brought  into  general  use, 
telling  us  where  we  are  likely 
to  fall  in  with  the  nearest 
Policeman.  This  will  be  a 
great  boon  to  nervous  persons, 
who  may  be  struggling  with  a 
pickpocket  for  the  possession 
'(•Icet-hand  kerchief,  and 
a  considerable  relief  to  elderly 
ladies,  who  yield  to  the  im- 
portunities of  sturdy  beggars 
froia  force  of  fear  or  excess  of 
intimidation.  In  cases  where 
it  is  practicable,  the  name  of 
the  street,  and  the  exact  num- 
ber of  the  very  area  where 
the  Policeman  is  supping,  or  lunching,  will  be  given  at  full-length  on  the  direcfion-plate. 
The  lamp-posts  so  enriched  will  be  painted  blue,  out  of  respect  to  the  Moral  and 
Phvsical  Forces.  There  will  be  as  many  of  these  blue -posts  about  London  as  there  are 
Policemen  on  duty  at  one  time.  The  most  dangerous  localities  will  have  very  few,  as  it 
is  well-known  that  the  Police  are  not  fond  of  penetrating  into  such  quarters.  Accordingly 
there  will  never  be  more  than  two  blue-posts  in  the  ilaymarket  at  night,  whereas  lifty 
wonld  scarcely  suffice  to  remove,  or  abate,  the  abominable  and  immoral  nuisance. 


COAL-DUST  AND  GUNPOWDER. 

SURELY  it  must  be  a  canard.      \ 
gravely  told  that  a  French  otlicvr  has  inv. 
a  plan  for  preventing  powder-magazines  from 
exploding.     He  mixes  coal-dust  with  the  gun- 
powder, and  then  it  will  not  ignite.    When 
\vant  the  powder,  all  that  vou  have  to  do  is  to 
sift,  it, !     Really,  it' the  tale  be  true,  111: 
just  the  sort  of  powder  and  of   process  that 
would  please  our  authorities.    LOUD 
1    have    given    the    inventor    a 
Powder  that  can't,  by  any  possibility,  be  ready  at. 

Circumlocution  Powder,  warrant. 
to  be  heard  until  it  has  passed  thrnu 

'  tmeuts.    The  coal,  of  course,  must  be  from 
•dstle,  the  Duke  whereof  was  so  ready  in 
Crimean  times.    Tlii>  scheme  was  proposed 
personage  so  remarkably  tolerant  of  dawdli 

FKKSCII.  The  story  wants 
sifting  as  much  as  the  dust. 


Eiddle  for  the  City. 

On  !  why,  my  friend,  is  a  Joint  Stock 
Concern  like,  yet  unlike  a  clock? 
Because  it  may  be  wound  up ;  when, 
Alas !  it  doesn't  go  again. 


JCEJIOKASDCJI  1'OR  THE  MI 

BEFORE  you  marry  a  Lady  for  her  money, 
consider  what  an  encumbrance  you  will  find 
your  wit'e,  in  the  event  of  having  lost  or  spent 
all  she  was  worth. 


PUSEYISM  AND  PRIVATE  FAMILIES. 

WE  have  much  pleasure  in  stating  that  the  REV.  J.  M.  NEALE,  the 


Ma.  NEALE  may  be  as  innocent  as  the  EARL  or  SIIAFTESBUHV  or 
_'//•.  Punch  himself  of  the  charges  brought  against  him  by  MR.  Sco- 

c  m  au.uug  m™  uu*  xi*.,.  u.  ^.  ^^,  „,„    1''E.L.L-   ?to™  the  statement  of  the  latter  gentleman    however,  it  is 

unfortunate  clergyman,  who  was  so  grievously  maltreated  by  the  (lmie  cleaf  *"t.  somebody  decoyed  his  daughter  into  the  Puseyite 
populace  the  other  day  in  the  churchyard  row  at  Lewes,  has  denied  :  nunnery  at  East  Grmstead-to  which  we  believe  she  lias  left  all  her 
that  lie  attempted,  on  that  occasion,  to  read  any  supplement  to  the  |>r9Perty>  MB:  NEALE  and  Miss  GREAME  the  abbess  of  the  convent, 
burial  service.  This  is  not,  all.  The  REV.  Jonx  SCOHKI.I.,  the  father  beuig,  according  to  her  father  s  statement,  the  executor  and  executrix 

to  hei  Might  not  that  document,  by  the  way,  be  disputed  ':    31  u. 

i,i,  had  better  consult  SIR  FREDERICK  TIIESIOER  on  that 
point.  The  immediate  agents  in  the  enticement  of  Miss  SCOBELL 
from  her  family  appear  to  have  been  two  hysterical  young 


of  the  deceased,  in  a  published  account  of  the  affair,  substantiates  his 

denial.    But  then  the  REV.  JOHN  SCOBELL  ascribes  to  the  REV.  MR. 

.E  conduct  much  more  likely  than  the  recitation  of  superfluous 

prayers  to  have  occasioned  the  Lewes  riot.    He  states  that,  after  the   .   ,.  -  .     -.«  -«T-'--i; —    - — ° 

in  which  the  body  was  deposited  had  been  locked,  MR.  NK  adies,    one   of  whom    tells   her,    m    a  letter,      I   really  think  our 

quickly  and  excitedly 'laying  his  [hand  on  his  arm,  exclaimed,  "Mu.    Blessed  intends  better  things  for  you,  dear  ;"  and  another  presented 


SCOBELL,  I  must  see  you;  where' can  I 'speak  to  you?  I  will  enter   herself  _  to  _  MR.  SCOBELL  in  a.  remarkable  black  dress,  and  wearing  a 
the  vault ." 

Now,  if  this  was  really  the  language  and  conduct  of  MR.  NEAI.I 
behaved  more  histrionically  even  than  we  supposed.    In  insisting  on 
entering  the  vault,  ho  acted  the  part  of  an  ecclesiastical  Romeo. 

MJI.  SCOBELL  adds : — 

"  Unfortunately,  as  is  stated  by  reliable  witnesses,  MR.  NEALE  condescended  to 

enter  into  altercation,  and  retort  with  the  people  around  Mm — to  act  and  speak 

with  violent  of  manner  and  gesture,  to  prolong  his  stay  in  the  churchyard,  to  call 

•  it  to  break  open  the  door  of  the  vault,  to  declare  that  he  would 

stay  all  ui^ht  for  the  purpose — that  he  would  rather  die  than  nut  enter  it." 

In  February  last,  MR.  SCOBELL  had  written  a  letter  to  MR.  NEALE, 
calling  upon  him  to  refute  the  following,  among  other  accusations  : — 

f.  you  have  been  eanying  on  by  letter,  under  cover  to  the  mistress  of  my 
infants'  school,  a  clandestine  correspondence  with  my  eldest  daughter  while  in  my 
house. 


.  , 

cross>  which  by  a  long  string  ot  beads  hung  at  her  feet."  The 
forme.r  °f  *«•  idiots  belonged  to  a  nunnery  at  Oxford,  said  to  be 
superintended  by  DR.  PTJSEY  ;  to  whom  perhaps  she  alluded  as  "  Our 

Enough,  probably,  has  now  been  said  to  convince  fathers  of  families 
of  the  necessity  of  employing  private  watchmen  to  keep  an  eye  on  any 
of  the  Puseyite  gang  who  may  be  lurking  about  the  premises,  or  trying 
to  sneak  down  the  area.  Big  brothers  will  also  do  well  to  provide 
themselves  with  good  sticks,  wherewith  to  expedite  the  exit  of  any 
such  intruders  who  may  be  found  about  the  house.  Rational  young 
ladies,  doubtless,  will  have  the  water-jug  always  in  readiness,  to  empty 
its  contents  on  the  head  of  any  Tractarian  Don  Giovanni  who  may  come 
serenading  them  with  a  canonical  Deh,  vieai,  under  their  windows. 


cuool-house,  situate  in  my 


A  Delicate  'Ear. 

-au.v  ,,,,1  ,,i,Kiw.ully,  i,,0  „„,,.,  „.  „„„      „  Wl[AT  a  ^  curiou,s  conformation  of  ear  must  be  possessed  by  MB. 
: ;  exercising  Liturgical  offices ;    uouLBUiix,  the  worthy  Commissioner  of  Bankruptcy.      Somebody 


"  -.  That  you  hold  clandestine  and  secret  meetings  with  her,  of  frome  hours' 
duration,  in  tlie  private  apartments   of  my  infants'  gfllool-1] 
pariah  nf  All  Saints.  Lewes. 

>.  dishonourably  and  unlawfully,  the  office  ol 

priest  a  surplice;  exercising  Liturgical  offices;  .  „ 

receiving  conks-ion  uiui  ,  ion."  oefore  him,  the  other  morning,  used  the  word  restaurant,  upon  which 

To  these  statements,  MR.  SCOBELL  says  that  MR.  NEALE  declined  I  the  Commissioner  observed,  "  I  don't  like  that  word,  it  sounds  like  one 
to  reply.  Perhaps  they  are  erroneous:  and  perhaps  the  BISHOP  of  i  we  heard  m  the  last  case,  namely,  hypothecate!'  We  have  been  repeat- 
CHICII  ixn.ii  had  no  sufficient  reason  for  withdrawing  his  countenance  !  !n&  °°th  words  ever  since,  in  the  hope  of  discovering  the  likeness,  but 
from  the  Sisterhood  of  ST.  MARGARET'S,  East  Grinstead,  because  "it  have  not  yet  succeeded.  It  was  surely  MR.  GOULBURS  who  pronounced 
has  for  some  time  past  submitted  itself  to  the  unlimited  influence  of  -tobacco  to  be  a  legitimate  rhyme.to  Long  Acre. 

MR.  NEALE,  a  clcrgjman,"  adds  the  Bishop,  "in  whose  views  and  

practises  it  is  well  known  I  have  no  confidence."  w      „         T       .,      . 

The  above  facts  in  addition  to  others,  for  which  we  must  refer  the  B   Landlords. 

reader  to  the  ,V»/w//  Hazette  and  the  Daily  fietcs,  will  perhai  HURRAH  !  Henceforth,  quarter-day  will  have  no  terrors.    A  respect- 

why,  by  an  indignant  multitude,  whose  proceedings  were  entirely  irre-   able  stationer  advertises  "  i'ifty  Receipts  for  Rent  for  Five  Shillings." 
,  the  gown  of  the  reverend  confessor— and   father   confessor—   That 's  upwards  of  twelve  years  of  security  from  involuntary  contribi;- 
came  to  be  stripped  off  his  back.  lions  to  one's  Landlords.    Hooray !    Who'll  lend  us  Five  Shillings ': 


250 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  19,  1857. 


TERRIFIC    ACCIDENT. 

BURSTING  OF  OLD  MRS.  TWADDLE'S  AQUA- VIVARIUM.    THE  OLD  LADY  MAY  BE  OBSERVED  ENDEAVOURING  TO  PICK  DP  HER 
FAVOURITE  EEL  WITH  THE  TONGS,  A  WORK  REQUIRING  SOME  ADDRESS. 


PUNCH'S  IMAGINARY  CONVERSATIONS. 

EW    COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF. 
LORD   CARDIGAN. 
LORD  LUCAN. 

H.R.H.  Eh?  what?  CAR- 
DIGAN and  LUCAN  together! 
Par  nobile  fratrum  in  lege. 
What  does  this  mean? 
However,  let  'em  in.  Good 
morning,  LORD  CARDIGAN. 
Good  morning,  LORD 
LUCAK. 

Lord  L.  (aside).  Wonder 
why  he  spoke  to  him  first  ? 

Lord  C.  (aside).  Wonder 
why  he  shook  hands  with 
him  first  ? 

H.R.H.  Glad  to  see  you, 
very.  What  fine  weather 
for  the  time  of  year  ! 

Lord  L.  LORD'CARDIGAN, 
as  the  senior,  will  explain 
to  you,  Sir.  that  we  have 
done  ourselves  the  honour 
of  calling  upon  you  to  offer 
you  our  thanks,  as  Crimean 

nerpes,  ior  the  tone  which  you  were  pleased  to  adopt  in  speaking  of 
that  Indian  fellow,  HAVELOCK,  m  the  House  the  other  night 
Lord  C.  Confound  him,  he  has  left  me  nothing  to  say 

u  u  i    !  eH  J  fo[gerr    Deuced  f°SSf  day,  wasn't  it  ?    Afraid 
I  shouldn't  have  got  to  the  House  at  all. 

t™wf  ?'  Jt  ^very  kind  and  condescending  of  you,  Sir,  to  take  the 

trouble  to  go  at  all.    Quite  enough,  aud  to  my  mind  a  trifle  more  than 

xmgh  fuss  has  been  made  about  these  Indian  chaps.    I  don't  say 


that  when  a  soldier  does  his  work  well,  and  is  obedient  and  subservient 
to  his  betters,  reasonable  notice  should  not  be  taken  of  him,  but  it's  a 
bad  plan  to  encourage  him  too  much. 

H.R.H.  H'm— yes— well,  but  it  was  a  foggy  day,  though.  I  don't 
remember  such  a  fog.  Does  either  of  you  ? 

Lord  L.  We  had  a  good  deal  of  fog  in  the  Crimea,  Sir. 

H.R.H.  Ha!  ha!  yes,  and  it  got  into  some  people's  heads,  at  least 
so  wicked  fellows  said,  eh  ? 

Lord  L.  Your  ROYAL  HIGHNESS'S  allusion  to  those  scenes  was  most 
touching,  Sir.  As  you  justly  remarked,  when  speaking  of  this  COLONEL 
HAVELUCK,  or  whatever  his  name  is — 

Lord  C.  (explodes  into  his  pocket-liamlkerchief).  Pooof!  (laughs  out). 
I  beg  your  pardon,  Sir,  but  that 's  irresistible.  HAVELUCK.  Deyvilish 
good.  Ha !  ha !  ha !  '  And  he  has  luck,  too,  don't  you  see,  Sir  ?  That 's 
the  joke.  Ha!  ha!  ha! 

H.RH.  I  see.  Very  gopd.  Better,  in  point  of  fact,  than  what  they 
used  to  call  LORD  LUCAN,  in  the  war. 

Lord  C.  Ah !  LORD  UNLUCKY'UN.  That  was  good,  too.  Ha ! 
ha !  ha ! 

Lord  L.  It  is  one  thing  to  joke  upon  a  plebeian's  name,  and  another 
to  take  liberties  with  a  title  conferred  by  a  member  of  your  ROYAL 
HIGHNESS'S  family,  the  great  and  good  KING  GEORGE  THE  THIRD, 
whom  I  should  scarcely  have  deemed  that  any  one  would  presume  to 
insult  in  the  presence  of  your  ROYAL  HIGHNESS. 

T    j^'   T  '  well)  well>  a  Jolje's  a  Joke,  and  there's  an  end. 

Lord.  C.  I'm  sure,  I  never  mean  anything — 

H.R.H.  Everybody 's  always  sure  of  it — pray  not  another  word. 

Lord  L.  (aside).  Cooked  his  goose.  I  was  endeavouring  to  recal,  Sir, 
the  tejms  m  which  you  spoke  of  these  Indian  affairs.  You  admirably 
said,  Doubtless  many  greater  campaigns  could  be  found  in  history." 
i  was  particularly  glad  to  hear  this,  because  the  newspapers  have  been 
making  such  a  row  about  MR.  HAVELOCK'S  doings. 

.*•*•  C.  They  say  that  he  fought  eight  or  nine  battles,  some  of  'em 
pitched  battles,  m  about  three  weeks,  with  awful  odds  against  him, 
and  always  licked,  and  that  he  has  saved  the  Indian  Empire  to  HER 
MAJESTY.  And  India  ii  a  big  place,  I  believe,  and  the  stakes  in  the 


DECEMUER,  19,  1857.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


253 


game  are  about  a  hundred  times  heavier  than  any  that  were  ever 
played  for  iu  Europe.  \\  ell,  allow  that  it 's  all  true,  what  your  ROYAL 
fiiamraas  said  shuwcd  how  thoroughly  you  really  understand  the  art 

o!  \var. 

l.'irdL.  Of  course.    The  greatness  pf  a  campaign  is  not  to  be 

il  by  the  importance  of  the  objects,  or  the  brilliancy  of  the 

but  by  the  rank  and  position  of  the  combatants;   and  two 

lor  Kcl-)iie  Maud  would  make  a  greater  campaign  than 

two  sn<  for  France  or  Spain. 

/,>„•>?  ( '.  VIM;  spuk.:  royally,  Sir,  and  as  a  prince  should  dp. 
ll.ll.ll.  (asiilf).  Jly  Jove;",  1  don't  much  can:  about  this.     To  have 
one  of  'em  so  much  wouldn't  be  any  great  shakes;  but  when 
both  a i  .I,  I  must  have  put  my  foot  in  it. 

.illy,  Sir,  when  cue  considers  what  was  done  in  the 

. 

'  ( '.  The  sacrifices  that  commanding  officers  made 

Lord  L.  Losing  all  one's  comforts — for  I  had  no  yacht,  on  board 
which  I  could  command  my  cavalry  like  a  gentlem 

(.'.  (in  a  fury).  I  wish  you'd  command  your  temper  like  a 
inn. 

I.  Show  me  the  way. 

Lord  C.  I  generally  show  you  the  way  in  most  tlr 
ll.Jl.l!.  .My  Lords!    Bui   in  the  argument  you  are  right.    Great 
sacrifices  were  made  in  the  Crimea,  and  I  hope  the  country  will 
remember  them. 

Vnd  we  sustained  great  losses. 

11. 11.11.  Yes.  I  have  heard  of  more  than  one  very  illustrious  officer 
actually  losing  his  head. 

Loi-il  L.  It,  is  almost   past  jesting,    Sir,  when  we  find  the  Army 

threatened  as  it  now  is.    If  civilians  and  the  House  of  Commons  are 

to  take  upon  themselves  to  be  judges  of  military  men,  and  to  apply  a 

)  political  standard  to  their  exploits,  the  service  will  simply  go  to  the 

i  deuce. 

Lord  C.  If  the  snobs  are'  to  take  out  of  the  hands  of  the  Fountain 
[  of  Honour  (by  which  I  mean  your  ROYAL  HlfiHNHss's  most  illustrious 
<  r(  latiye)  the  right  to  reward  officers,  or  are  to  increase  rewards  because 
i  it  is  fancied  that  a  great  object  has  been  gained,  there 's  an  end  of 
j  everything. 

ll.H.H.  Don't  let 's  make  it  a  personal  thing.    I  dare  say  our  Family 
i  and  the  country  understand  one  another  very  well.    We'll  leave  that 
'  out  of  the  discussion.    Am  I  right  in  supposing  that  what  I  said  on 
;  that  foggy  i.vi-uing  (and  wasn't  it  foggy,  I  say  ? )  is  taken  as  a  sort  of 
patronising  thing,  and  meaning  that  the  officers  in  India  had  done  all 
very  well,  out  were  not  to  be  over-estimated  ?    Eh.  my  Lords  F 
Lord  C.  We  look  at  it  in  that  light  with  great  pleasure,  Sir. 
LordL.  And  your  ROYAL  HIGHS  ESS  expressed  the  feeling  of  the 
best  kind  of  men  in  the  service.    I  mean,  of  course,  our  sort ;  officers 
whose  rank  and  wealth  have,  had  legitimate  influence  in  their  promotion. 
Lord  C.  1  don't  much  fraternise  with  the  snobs,  myselt,  but  I'm 
told,  and  I'm  sorry  to  hear  it,  that  there 's  a  good  deal  of  low  senti- 
mental feeling  in  the  Army  about  these  Indian  officers,  and  that  there 
would  be  no  row  if  the  Company's  troops  were  put  on  the  same  footing 
as  the  Queen's.     Anything  more  offensive  and  atrocious  I  never 
heard  of. 

Lord  L.  But  your  ROYAL  HIGHNESS  may  be  sure  that  the  more 
the  Indian  fellows  are  snubbed  the  more  what  I  may  call  the  Swells 
will  be  pleased,  and  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  you  will  go  on  as  you  Lave 
begun. 

ll.R.JI.  My  Lords,  I  have  an  appointment,  and  you  know  my  love  of 
punctuality.  There  has  been  a  misunderstanding,  which  I  attribute 
to  that  abominable  fog,  but  I'll  clear  it  up  the  first  opportunity.  I  tell 
jou  what.  1  wish  we'd  had  HAVELOCK  iu  the  Crimea.  [E.rit. 

Lord  L.  Ah,  and  I  had  had  to  command  him.  Deuced  little  praises 
he'd  have  got  from  the  House  of  Commons,  if  I'd  had  to  cut  out  his 
work  for  lum. 

Lord  C.  Just  so.    I've  no  patience  with  snobs.    Well,  we've  done 
the  civil  thing  by  the  Duke,  I  suppose. 
Lord  L.  Though  you're  no  great  judge  of  civility,  eh  ?    Yes. 
Lord  C.  You  be — (Bu(  as  his  Lordship  banged  the  door,  ingoing  out,  it 
is  impossible  to  say  what  was  his  parting  advice  to  his  Brother-in-law). 


A  HERO'S  SISTER. 


A  Lost  Dog-Neither  Here  nor  There. 

THERE  was  an  advertisement  in  the  Times  a  few  days  ago  for  "a  dog 
that  answers  to  the  name  of  Mustard."  Not  difficult  tofindsucha  dog! 
Mustard  is  the  most  natural  companion  to  meat.  Cut  a  sandwich  for 
him,  ami  you  will  see  that  Mustard,  if  he  is  a  well-bred  dog,  will  come 
running  in  as  naturally  as  possible. 


THE    NEXT   EXAMPLE   FOR   SEPOYS. 

THE  KIXG  or  DELHI  has  not  been  lunged.  If  that  is  not  enough 
to  put  an  end  to  the  Indian  Mutiny,  NAN  A  SAHIB,  as  soon  as  LORD 
CAHITINO  can  catch  him,  will,  of  course,  be  pensioned. 


•.ANT    SALKELD,  the  young 
soldier  who  gloriously  blew 
open  the  gate  of  Delhi,  is  no 
_,  .    Mr.  1'unch  has  but 

one  word  to  say.  It  lias 
reached  him  that  the  heroic 
SALKEIB'S  sister  is  admi- 
rably doing  her  duty  as  Gov- 
erness in  a  London  family. 
Surtly,  LOKO  PALMERSTO.V, 
sorely,  Hou&e  of  Commons, 
should  the  lady  remain  at 
that  honourable  duty,  Eng- 
land liavinR  read  the  Delhi 
despatch,  it  will  be  from 
choice,  not  from  need. 


UEliliEW  WITHOUT  POINTS. 

1'vKMABKs  such  as  these,  coming  from  a  provincial  contemporary, 
sh'juld  really  make  us  hesitate  to  give  his  name,  though  possibly  he 
may  not  hu\  c  the  grace  to  be  ashamed  of  it  or  tin 


"  The  Jew  noiMnoe  is  up  onae  more,  and  LORD  JOHN  Ruavu.  in  content  to  have 
that  well  mumbled  bone  pitched  to  Mm  by  Loiu»  PALJOBMH^ta  compensation  for 
taking  lief  >nn  out  of  the  Bedfor  !  We  shall  have  the  old  cant  and  twaddle 

all  over  a^xin.  We  are  to  hear  civil  and  religious  liberty  demanded  for  a  set  of  bigots, 

!"toriously  have  among;  them,  in  proportion  to  their  numbers,  more  rascals 

a  iu  Christendom.    When  do  you  hear  of  a  piece  of  knavery 

(not  courage,  for  the  Jews  arc  a  cowardly  lot ;  do  you  ever  see  a 

Jew  soldier  ?)  and  one  or  more  of  the  '  Hebrew  persuasion,'  as  they  are  foolishly 

t-alled,  is  not  at  the  buttoui.  to  instigate,  plot,  and  profit  by  it  ?    Are  not  most  of 

the  marine  store-keepers,  who  poisonand  transport  generations  of  children,  Jews  or 

Jewesses.    Is  there  not  a  wholesome  instinct  that  makes  us  recoil  from  the  race  ? 

And  in  answer  to  these  facts,  we  are  always  told  that  ROTHSCHILD  is  a  good-natured 

man,  and  MONTF.FIORK  a  generous  one,  and  that  the  Jews  have  many  schools  and 

^ars.  F'iuo  reasons,  certainly,  for  letting  Old  do*  into  the  House  of  Commons. 

i>-J  that  the  Lords  will  be  staunch,  and  if  JOHNNY  ROSSELL,  in  gratitude  for 

i  services  by  his  hook-nosed  client*,  chooses  again  to  advocate  so  dirty  a  cause, 
their  Lordships  will  serve  the  Jew  Sepoys  (who  hate  the  Christiana  as  much  ai  their 
fellow-Asiatics  do,  and  are  as  delighted  to  plunder  them)  in  the  same  unhesitating 
way  as  before.  A  howl  may  be  raised,  but  the  people  of  England  will  be  pleased." 

The  singular  conglomeration  of  charges,  reasoning,  hints,  and  sneers, 
in  the  above  remarkable  paragraph,  seems  to  entitle  it  to  a  place  in  our 
columns  as  a  natural  curiosity.  To  attempt  to  argue  with  a  gentleman 
who  has  got  his  thoughts  into  such  a  tangle  would  be  simply  waste  of 
time  and  paper.  It  may  not,  however,  be  amiss  to  remind  him,  that  the 
.Tew  claim  does  not  rest  upon  the  various  questions  whether  the 
Jews  are  virtuous,  or  brave,  or  friendly  to  Christians,  or  whether 
Christians  (excluding  the  particular  Christian  above-quoted)  like  them ; 
but  upon  the  single  and  simple  question,  of  whether  they  are  English- 
men. If  they  are  Englishmen,  each  Jew  lias  an  Englishman's  birth- 
right, and  so  long  as  you  keep  him  out  of  that,  you  do  him  a  wrong. 
We  wish  we  could  get  the  sentimental  element  taken  out  of  the  dis- 
cussion on  both  sides.  The  matter  is  one  of  pure  law,  and  BAUON 
ROTHSCHILD'S  good-nature  lias,  we  admit,  no  more  to  do  with  it  than 
.  [KEY  SOLOMONS'  marine-store.  If  BAHON  B9THSCHILD  is  not 
an  Englishman,  that  is  to  say  a  Briton,  and  were  ten  times  the  excellent 
and  worthy  man  he  is,  he  has  no  right  to  a  seat  in  a  British  House  of 
Commons ;  and  if  MBS.  IKEY  SOLOMONS'  husband  is  a  Briton,  and  that 
obese  lady  had  trained  into  thieves  the  youth  of  ten  parishes  instead 
of  two,  MB.  IKEY  has  a  right  to  take  his  seat,  if  elected,  beside  MB. 
DISRAELI  or  MR.  GLADSTONE.  The  Hebrewphobist  whom  we  have 
quoted  is  probably  incapable  of  perceiving  this,  but  it  is  right  that  Mr. 
Punch  should  point  it  out ;  because,  and  herein  he  agrees  with  his 
brother  journalist,  there  is  a  probability  of  a  good  deal  of  "  cant  and 
twaddle  "  being  talked  upon  the  subject.  As  to  comparing  the  Jews 
to  the  Sepoys,  having  previously  denounced  the  former  as  cowards,  we 
must  leave  the  two  imputations  to  be  reconciled  by  the  reader.  We 
do  not  believe,  that  if  the  handful  of  British  Hebrews  were  at  liberty 
to  do  anything  they  pleased,  they  would  draw  anything  sharper  than  a 
bill  at  short  date,  or  charge  more  furiously  than  at  the  rate  of  sixty 
per  cent.,  and  those  who  abuse  the  Jew  for  "  cunning"  will  please  to 
recollect  how  many  centuries  of  ill-treatment  have  beaten  him  down  to 
the  position  in>hich  cunning  is  the  only'weapon  of  defence.  There 
was  no  cunning,  save  a  soldier's,  about  JUDAS  MACCABEUS,  when  he 
did  things  worthy  of  HENHY  HAVELOCK  ;  but  the  treatment  to  which 
the  Jew  has  been  subjected  for  ages  tends  to  convert  the  MACCABEUS 
into  the  Scarabirus.  But,  as  aforesaid,  the  Hebrew  should  rest  his 
claim  upon  nothing  but.  the  rock  of  right,  and  in  answer  to  all  taunt, 
say  with  the  Venetian  capitalist  :— 

"  I  stand  here  for  LAW." 


254 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  19,  1857. 


MERCATOR. 

MERCATOR  growls,  like  any  Bruin, 
At  PALMERSTON'S  Suspending  lines, 
'I'hat  saved  ten  thousand  homes  from  ruin, 
But  baffled  Capital's  designs. 

"  Things  should  have  had  their  way,"  he  crie.-, 
"  All  weakly  traders  gone  to  smash ; 
The  air  a  storm  but  purifies, 
And  splendid  interest 's  got  for  Cash." 

When,  from  his  counter  near  St.  Paul's, 
They  raised  him  to  a  Peer's  degree, 
What  waste  to  give  the  man  Four  balls ! 
His  much  more  fitting  type  were  Three. 


FBOM    THE    MINING    LISTBJCIS. 

(Young  Curate  finds  a  Miner  sitting  on  a  Gate  smoking.) 

Curate  (desirous  to  ingratiate  himself  with  one  of  his  flock).  A  fine  morning,  my  friend. 
One  of  his  flock  gives  the  slightest  nod,  and  a  grunt,  and  spits. 

(supposing  that  he  had  not  been  heard.)  A  line  morning,  my  good  friend. 
One  ofhisjlock.  Did  I  say  it  warn't.    Do  you  want  to  haigue,  you  beggar  ? 


REWARD  OF  MERIT. 

WE  are  happy  to  announce  that  a  subscrip- 
tion has  been  set  on  foot  for  the   purpose  of 
conferring   a  testimonial   on  MR.  GLADSTONE, 
in  acknowledgment  of  his  noble  protest  against 
any  interference   of  the    House  of   Commons 
tending  to  the  increase  of  SIR  HENRY  HAVE- 
LOCK'S  pension.  The  homage  which  the  Right  ! 
Honourable  Member  for    Oxford,  by  that  mag-  j 
nanimous  declaration,  rendered  to  aristocratic 
principle,  has  been  properly  appreciated  in  the  •: 
most  exclusive  circles.     At  the  suggestion  of  j 
certain  influential  members  of  the  Canton  Club, 
arrangements  have  been  made  for  presenting 
the  Right  Honourable  Gentleman  with  a  gold- 
headed  stick,  a  gold-laced  hat  with  a  splendid 
cockade  in  it,  and  a  pair  of  breeches  manu-  ' 
factured    of   the  richest  thuuder-and-lightning 
plush. 

A  STRANGE  REMOVE  (for  Dinner).— LORD 
STRATFORD  DE  REDCLIFFE  will  have  his  Turkej 
in  England  this  Christmas. 


THBEATENED  ABOLITION  OF  THE  HOUSE 
OF  LOEDS. 

How  did  we  ever  come  to  have  an  hereditary  peerage  ?  How  is  it 
that  we  are  blessed  with  an  aristocracy  and  enjoy  the  advantage  of  a 
House  of  Lords  ?  These  questions  are  suggested  by  a  statement  made 
by  COLONEL  NORTH,  speaking  in  the  other  House,  on  the  pension 
granted  to  SIR  HENRY  HAVELOCK.  COLONEL  NORTH  is  reported  to 
have  said : — 

."  °-»J"rA1K  HAVELOCK  had  participated  in  all  those  battles  which  had  gained  for 

»  father  such  world-wide  renown;   he  had  highly  distinguished  himself  as  an 

cer,  and  had  receivc.1  for  his  gallant  conduct  the  Victoria  Cross.    He  thought. 

nereiore,  that  this  was  a  case  calling  most  loudly  upon  them  to  follow  the  general 

practice  which  was  to  grant  such  pensions  f,,r  two  generations.    (Hear  hear  )    He 

hoped  the  circumstances  of  CAPTAIN  HAVELOCK  would  be  considered  by  thu  G.'vern- 

nent  and  that  the  same  pension  so  deservedly  awarded  to  his  distinguished  father 

would  be  made  to  descend  to  him." 

If  acts  like  those  of  HAVELOCK  Senior,  accompanied  by  similar  acts 
on  the  part  of  HAVELOCK  Junior,  are  not  enough  to  ennoble  and  enrich 
all  luture  HAVELOCKS,  how  came  anybody  in  the  House  of  Lords 
except  LORD  OVERSTOCK  the  capitalist,  to  be  enriched  and  ennobled  P 
It  may  be  a  very  sound  principle  to  reward  deserving  men  in  their  own 
persons  merely;  but  if  this  principle  is  to  be  adopted  by  the  Govern- 
ment, of  course  they  intend  to  let  the  Peerage,  and  the  House  of 
Peers,  die  a  natural  death. 

Suppose  the  DUKE  OF  CAMBRIDGE  had  taken  Delhi ;  suppose  the 

exploits  of  HAVELOCK  and  OUTRAM  had  been  performed  bv  the  EARL 

LUCAN  and  the  EARL    OF    CARDIGAN;    would  not  his    ROYAL 

HIGHNESS  have  instantly  received  a  truncheon  like  that  which  has 

leen  wielded  m  the  mouths  of  so  many  cannons  by  another  ROYAL 

HIGHNESS  ."Would  not  two  noble  Earls  have  been  exalted  into  two 

lore  noble  Dukes,  and  would  they  not  have  been  decorated  with  anv 

1  every  star  garter,  ribbon,  cross,  medal,  or  other  distinctive  bauble 

which  they  had  not  earned,  or  at  least  had  not  received,  already? 

A  thousand  a-year  is  a  good  income  in  these  times,  but  if  the 

services  of  such  a  man  as  HAVELOCK  arc  worth  only  one  thousand 

a-year,  whose  services,  MR.  BULL,  do  you  consider  to  be  worth  five  - 

to  say  nothing  of  ten  or  twenty  ?   What  has  any  ex-Chancellor,  except 

BROUGHAM  done  for  you  that  can  be  for  a  moment  named  m 

companson  with  the  exploits  of  GENERAL  HAVELOCK  'r    Of  what  use 

any  one  of  your  Bishops  in  comparison  with  that  hero  ? 


Either  you  underpay  him  shamefully,  or  you  excessively  overpay  them. 
It  is  true  that  the  dignity  of  a  Peerage  may  necessitate  the  difference, 
and  HAVELOCK'S  pension  may  suffice  a  commoner,  but  if  HAVELOCK  is 
to  remain  a  commoner,  of  course  no  more  Peers  will  be  created,  and 
the  Upper  House  will  be  allowed  to  expire. 

FUN  AND   FREEDOM  OF   OPINION. 

THE  Hampshire  Independent  contains  an  account  of  a  comic  religious 
meeting,  which  took  place  the  other  day  at  the  Victoria  Rooms, 
Southampton,  when  the  members  of  the  Independent  Congregational 
Church  celebrated  their  Fourth  Anniversary.  Our  Southampton  con- 
temporary thus  concludes  his  report  of  the  proceedings  :— 

"MR.  MARTIN,  in  a  humorous  speech,  proposed  a  vote  of  thanks  to  the  ladies 
who  had  supplied  BO  excellent  a  tea,  and  also  fc>  the  indefatigable  individuals  who 
kept  the  te«-p..ts  supplied  with  boiling-water,  and  the  vote  having  been  carried  by 
acclamation,  MR.  NASH  made  a  few  remarks. 

"  The  Meeting  was  then  closed  with  the  doxology  and  the  benediction." 

The  doxology  and  benediction,  which  succeeded  MR.  MARTIN'S 
humorous  speech  about  the  ladies,  may  perhaps  have  been  felt  to 
present  some  contrast  to  the  facetious  address  of  that  gentleman.  A 
transition  so  abrupt,  and  so  peculiar,  by  the  natural  laws  of  emotion, 
was  likely  to  produce  an  eifect  the  reverse  of  solemn,  and,  there  is 
reason  to  fear,  occasioned  too  many  mouths  to  be  suddenly  stopped 
with  pocket-handkerchiefs.  This  unhappy  result  might  have  been 
obviated  by  the  introduction  of  a  few  dry  words  on  business  between 
the  fun  relative  to  the  ladies,  and  the  devotion.  However,  we  will 
pot  he  too  critical  in  a  case  like  this,  and  we  notice,  with  pleasure,  the 
introduction  of  hilarity  into  the  (ransactions  of  the  jolly  Independents 
of  Southampton,  who  enjoy  their  fun,  as  well  as  their  faith,  at  their 
own  expense,  and  not  at  that  of  other  people. 


Bankruptcy  and  Boobyism. 

WE  read  in  the  Musical  World  that  at  Hamburgh  a  couple  of  Italian 
opera-singers  have  made  such  a  sensation,  that  in  one  evening  the 
audience  called  them  before  the  curtain  Thirty  times.  Is  it  wonderful 
.hat  Hamburgh  should  at  this  moment  be  in  commercial  ruin,  when  its 
affairs  are  in  the  hands  of  such  Fools  ? 


DECEMBER  19,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


255 


SHAMEFUL   SEPOY  BOBBERY   OF   GENERAL  HAVELOCK. 


-niitff  Star,  in  its  sum- 
mary, tells  us  that  G: 
II  ur. LOCK    gained    eight    or 

nine  \  months 

urcd     10     guns." 
Now,  this  is  a  • 
committed  upon  the  ili 

•  i  it.  not 
cowardly,  t 

. 

Of  course,  we  shall  be  told  it 
is  an  accident,  but  we  do  not 
think  the  txcuse  can  be  ac- 
iuch  as  11; 


SAD  OMISSION  AT  THE  CATTLE- 
SHOW. 


VTj:  regret  to  state,  that  the  editor  of  the 
Saturday  Itcvieio  sent  several  Pens  to  the  exhi- 
bition in  Itaker  Street,  but  I 
nately  arrived  too  late.  They  were  the  Pens  of 
his  various  contributors.  Every  one  of  them 
was  of  the  crots-breed,  but  liner  specimens  of 
the  class  could  not  well  have  been  selected. 
i  Judges  of  such  articles  declare,  with  the  greatest 
confidence,  that  they  must  have  carried  off  the 

t'lie  Pig-Drparh:  .  GoLIGHTLY 

had  a  highly-bred  Pen  that  was  ad- 
adapted  "  to  go  the  whole  hog " — at 

least  that  was  tin  ut  honourably  cou- 

pon it  far  the  classic  Editor,  who  had 

(specially  undertaken  th  •>!'  it  for  pur- 


'  I1'.?.  l)ailri  : "  '  noses  of  public  exhibition,  at  least  once  a-week. 

*ai"\       •  _„* T L-    :i     i l__U] 1 

be    called    upon    publicly    10 


orary 


restore  to  the  insi; 

the  si'.'  has  been  so 

'•illy   plundered  of,  and 

furl  her,  that  he  be  sentenced, 

as  a  fit  penalty  for  his  attempt 

at    spoliation,     to    write    ten 

cheerful  arti.  a  con-       SCBLIME   (  —Prowl  Man    (whoie 

sccutive  numbers.    To  one  of :  gfnealogicnl  tree  has  been  2000  years,  at  leatt, 

his  melancholy  disposition,  \grotcing).  H''  show  you  his  Portrait-Gallery — 
who  sees  everything  at  home  and  abroad  in  the  deepest  India  black,  we  cannot  imagine  a  the  mushroom !  Why,  1  doubt  if  tlie  Snob  has 
more  terrible  'punishment.  The  only  fear  is,  that  the  novelty  might  have  the  effect  of  selling  i  got  an  Ancestor  that  dates  further  back  than  a 
this  penny  organ  of  the  Sepoys.  !  Photograph  ! 


For  porcine  beauty  it  has  probably  never_been 
Mil-passed  in  the  litdjeniry  world.    So  evident 
sue  informed,  it  must 

have  taken  the  cu  -ly  out  of  the  tail 

of  even  PJIINCE  ALBLUT'S  Pig. 


THEATRICAL   TELEGRAMS. 

MK.  PUNCH  observes,  with  regret,  that  the  directors  of  some  of  our 
theatres  are  trying  to  take  the  bread  out  of  the  mouths  of  the  penny 
newspaper  people,  and  their  allies,  the  roaring  ruffians  who  bawl  news 
in  the  quiet  streets.  It  is  growing  a  habit,  when  real  or  supposed 
tidings  have  come  in,  for  a  manager  or  actor  to  step  before  the  curtain, 
and  announce  to  the  audience  the  contents  of  the  Telegram.  This 
seems  to  us  unfair,  and  calculated  to  injure  the  interests  of  the 
Catchpenny  Press. 

\:  Least,  we  conceive,  that,  if  a  theatrical  artist  teill  meddle  with 
ic  affairs,  he  ought  to  do  so  artistically.  He  has  no  right  simply 
to  plunder  the  newspaper.  He  ought  to  dress  up  his  announcements 
in  some  little  accordance  with  his  vocation.  If  he  be  a  singer,  let  him 
give  his  news  operatically  ;  if  a  tragedian,  poetically;  if  a  comedian, 
comically  ;  if  an  equestrian,  hoarsely. 

For  instance,  suppose  a  Telegram  has  come  in,  and  MR.  ILuuusox, 

at  th  :lers  it  desirable  to  communicate  the  news  to  the 

in  come  forward  to  the  footlights,  and,  with  a  glance  at 

MR.  i  a  chord,  sing  what  the  poet  of  the  Rose  of  Casiille 

would  have  written,  as  follows  :  — 

m  not  now  a  Muleteer, 
1  've  news  to  tell  that  you  should  hear, 

It's  come  by  Telegr: 
A  glorious  battle  has  been  fought, 
The  rascally  Sepoys  have  c;i 
A  licking  ;  yes,  and  so  they  ought, 
From  brave  Sir  COLIN  CAM. 

CAM,  CAM,  CAM,  CAM,  CAM,  CAM,  CAM,  CAM, 

•mi  brave  SIR  COLIN  CAM. 


-is.) 


His  Bell,  would  not,  come  into  thyme, 

And  so  down  there  you  hear  it  chime, 

CAM,  CAM,  CAM,  CAM,  CAM." 


apprise  the  Adelphi  audience  of  the  same  fact,  and  had  deputed  our 
friend — the  world's  friend — MR.  PAUL  BEDFOKD,  and  his  illustrious 
ally,  MR.  WEIGHT,  to  make  the  speech.  MR.  B.'s  wink  would  be 
worth  a  Jew's-eye,  as  he.  surveyed  the  pit,  and  was  monarch  of  all  he 
surveyed  :— 

Now,  my  bricksy-wicksy-wicksies,  what  do  Jyou  say,  eh  ?  Haven't 
the  CAMPBELLS  been  coming,  eh,  and  coming  it  pretty  strong  ?  We 
rayther  flatter  our  shirtbuttons  that  they  have  just  been  and  done 
that  same. 

Mr,  Wright,  P.S.  (inmtille).  I  say,  JACK,  what  are  you  cackling 
about  ?  Mustn't  talk  to  your  benefactors  like  that,  you  know. 

Mr.  Bedford.  Come  along  here,  Guv'nor.  Talk  of  cackling,  here's 
a  billy  ducks.  (Produce!  paper.) 

Mr  Wright  (enters).  Where's  BILLY  ?  Why,  you  stoopid  old  crea- 
ture, what  d'ye  call  that  a  billy  for  ?  Nice  sort  of  a  rhinoceros  you 
must,  be. 

Mr.  Bedford.  Come,  come,  Gov^nor,  don't  be  hard  on  a  fellah.  We 
haven't  all  got  your  hysterical  information,  you  know.  Head  that 
photographic  messuage,  Guv'nor. 

Mr. Wright  (with  intense  contempt).  Photographic  messuage!  (Takes 
the  paper.)  It's  my  belief,  JACK,  that  you're  a  megalotherium.  That's 
about  the  size  of  it. 

Mr.  Bedford.  What 's  that,  Gov'nor  ? 

Mr.  Wriglt.  A  great  beast,  JACK.  But  never  mind.  You  can't 
help  it,  and  you  wouldn't  if  yon  couldn't.  Let's  see,  you  old  elephan 
tiasis.  (Beads  the  Telegram,  amid  shouts  of  applause.) 


Or,  in  the  second  case,  we  will  imagine  that  MR.  CRESWICK  thought 
it  necessary  to  communicate  the  same  sort  of  thing  at  the  Surrey  (not 
er  done  so,  yet):  he  should  step  out  before  the  tragic 
green  bai/e  is  removed,  and  address  the  house  :— 

"  v>  •'!  thing,  but,  sanctified  by  right, 

It.  is  a  noble  thing.     Noblest  of  all 
When  it  smites  down  the  crest  of  cruel  men. 
(  '.\  M  i'HKi.1.  has  closed  with  NANA.    On  the  turf 
Lie  in  their  blood  full  fifteen  thousand  blacks, 
And,  'mid  them,  on  a  gibbet,  fouls  the  air 
Their  ruffian  chief.    Shout  we  for  COLIN  CAMPBELL  !  " 

Thirdly,  let  us   suppose  that    M  U>A-,IE   CELESTE  had  desired  to 


THE  NEEDFUL  METAL. 

SOME  of  our  readers  may  think  that  Ma.  COMMISSIONER 
was  a  little  hard  upon  a  party  who  appeared  before  him  the  other 
in  the  Court  of  Bankruptcy;    and  respecting  whom  he  made 
following  observation: — j 

n  raised  money  upon  those  goods,  and  in  t!ie  opinion  of  the  Court  onlv 
uf  the  bill  of  lading  by  committinir  a  fresh  crime ;  uaniely,     y 
obtaiuiug  a  quantity  of  tin,  before  bo  failed,  from  a  MR.  J<  > 

But,  how  could  he,  poor  fellow,  satisfy  the  holder  of  the  bill  other- 
wise than  by  obtaining  a  quantity  of  tin  from  somebody  or  other  ?  If 
he  had  not  'procured  the  tin  from  MR.  JOXES,  he  would  have  been 
obliged  to  get  it  from  MR.  SMITH  or  MB.  BBOWX,  or  ME.  ROBINSON. 
From  the  fact  that  he  failed  after  having  obtained  that  tin,  his  mistake 
appears  to  have  consisted  in'not  obtaining  enough. 


TUT.  STI.TAN'S  DELPHIC  ANSWER  TO  Moxs.  BE   LESSEPS'  PETI- 
TION ABOUT  THE  ISTHMUS  OF  SUEZ.— "CUT." 


' 


256 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [DECEMBER  19,  1857. 


FLUNKEIANA    RUSTICA. 

Mistress.  "Now,  I  DO  HOIT,  SAMI-EL,  YOU  WILL  MAKE   YOURSELF  TIDY,  GET   YOUR  CLOTH 

LAID   IN    TIME— AND  TAKE  GREAT    FAINS   WITH   YOUR  WAITING   AT    TABLE  !  ' 

Xamucl  (who  has  come  recently  out  of  a  Strawyaid).  "  YEZ,  M.'  !     BUT   PLEAZ,  W,  BE  01   TO 
WEAK  MY  BKEECHES?" 


MR.  PUNCH'S  HUMANITY. 

ONE  HOCKLEY  WOOD,  an  attorney,  seems 
to  have  been  utterly  flabberghasted  at  a  major 
and  a  minor  proposition  set  before  him,  last  week 
by  LORD  MAYOR  CARDEX.  HOCKLEY  had  been 
acting  for  some  people  who  were  making  an 
unjust  charge  of  felony;  and  the  ease  having 
proved  rotteu,  the  MAYOR  observed  that  it  was 
"  monstrous  that  any  solicitor  should  undertake 
such  a  case."  This  speech  presented  a  new  idea 
to  MR.  WOOD,  who  m  his  utter  bewilderment 
remarked  that,  "any  solicitor  must  undertake  ' 
any  case  that  is  brought  to  him,  so  long  as  he  is 
on  the  rolls."  The  MAYOR  begged  not  only  to 
contradict  WOOD,  but  to  add  that  no  respectable 
solicitor  would  have  undertaken  such  a  case  as 
that?  And  he  discharged  the  prisoner,  the 
audience  "  cheering  loudly."  We  think  SIR 
lloisEKi  was  a  little  hard  on  WOOD.  Perhaps 
it  was  really  the  first  time  he  had  ever  heard 
that  any  work  that  is  paid  for  is  regarded  by 
society  as  too  dirty  for  an  attorney.  His  legal 
education  was  incomplete.  We  do  not  think 
that  ignorance  should  be  treated  so  harshly. 
Now  that  MR.  WOOD  has  had  a  hint,  he  will 
apply  a  new  test  to  cases  in  which  he  may  be 
retained,  and  "  bless  the  useful  light "  held  to 
him  by  the  MAYOR.  We  have  compassion  for 
everything,  even  an  attorney,  and  would  gladly 
help  HOCKLEY  WOOD  out  of  what  a  facetious 
archaeologist  would  call  Hockley  Hole. 


Paper  and  Bronze. 

THE  great  Prussian  Sculptor,  CHRISTIAN 
RAICH,  has  departed,  full  of  honours.  His 
splendid  monument  to  FREDERIC  THE  GKEAT 
will  endure  as  long  as  earth  worships  conquerors 
—perhaps  longer.  To  the  same  man  THOMAS 
CARLYLE  has  just  completed  another  memorial. 
We  wonder  which  is  the  heavier. 


AN  ACT  OF  CONTINENTAL  GKACE. 

IT  may  be  well  occasionally  to  desist  awhile  from  our  habitual 
practice  of  ridiculing  our  own  British  absurdities,  in  order  to  anim- 
advert, with  playful  derision,  on  those  of  our  Continental  neighbours. 
The  subjoined  telegram  from  Madrid  is  a  piece  of  intelligence  which 
will  excite  the  laughter  of  every  rational  Englishman : — 

"  The  Prince  ttis  been  baptized. 

"  An  amnesty  has  been  granted  for  political  ofleuces,  and  to  persons  condemned 
to  light  punishments." 

That  any  excuse  for  pardoning  political  offenders  may  be  a  good  one 
in  Spain,  is  possible  enough ;  but  what  reason  is  afforded  by  the 
baptism  of  a  royal  baby  for  remitting  the  punishments  of  common 
offenders  ?  What  a  set  of  fools  we  should  have  thought  HER 
.\1  u  i  STY'S  Ministers,  if,  on  the  occasion  of  our  last  Royal  christening, 
the  HOME  SECRETARY  had  ordered  all  the  convicts  under  sentence  for 
petty  larceny  to  be  let  out  of  gaol !  Rogues  are  punished  for  the  pro- 
tection of  the  public ;  and  all  remission  of  the  punishment  of  such 
offenders  is  an  abatement  of  that  protection. 

To  signalize  a  baptism  by  the  amnesty  of  pickpockets,  is  to  increase 
the  general  liability  to  the  loss  of  pocket-handkerchiefs,  and  to  make 
that  solemnity  an  occasion  for  indulging  the  worse  portion  of  the 
people  to  the  detriment  of  the  better. 

There  is  a  very  particular  reason  why  the  inconsistent  and  irrational 
doings  of  foreigners  should  be  carefully  held  up  to  the  ridicule  of  the 
British  Public.  A  set  of  boobies,  who  affect  what  they  call  cosmo- 
politan ideas,  are  continually  trying  to  persuade  their  hearers  and 
readers  to  regard  the  silly  manners  and  foolish  customs,  and  prepos- 
terous acts,  of  other  nations  in  a  liberal  point  of  view  •.  that  is  to  ignore 
their  imbecility,  fatuity,  folly,  immorality  and  injustice.  Such  people 
would  have  us  consider  almost  any  of  the  practices  of  all  natives 
whomsoever,  in  a  "  spirit  of  toleration  "  as  their  cant  phrase  is,  anc 
would  desire  us  to  acquiesce  in  all,  and  imitate  many,  of  the  various 
zanyisms,  idiotisms,  and  tomfooleries  of  the  rest  of  the  world.  Lei 
us,  on  the  contrary,  preserve  our  insular  peculiarities,  while  they  ape 
all  manner  of  childish  Continentalisms,  or,  going  farther  still,  paini 
their  faces  sky-blue  and  red,  and  dance,  howling,  after  the  fashion  o 
GREAT  RIBBED-NOSE  YAHOO,  and  RUSTY  TOMAHAWK. 


A  MITRE   IN   BETHNAL   GREEN. 

DIVERS  Bishops,  in  lawn,  and  in  the  richer  livery  of  the  Scarlet  Lady, 
>ave,  at  fitting  times,  received  in  these  pages  such  castigation  as  erring 
lierarchs  deserve.  But  what  are  we  to  say  of  the  new  BISHOP  OF 
LONDON,  DR..  TAIT  ?  Truly  he  is  a  scandal.  This  man  has  been  down 
among  the  dirty  and  squalid  people  of  Bethnal  Green,  for  the  purpose,  as 
he  says,  of  making  himself  acquainted  with  their  condition.  More, 
he  specially  invited  them  to  come  to  a  church,  whence  he  did  his  best 
to  exclude  on  that  occasion  (by  what  right,  we  should  like  to  know,) 
respectable  folks.  And  he,  the  Bishop,  a  Lord  in  the  House  of  Lords, 
preached  to  these  unclean  creatures,  and  with  his'own  lips  (not  even 
filtering  the  doctrine  through  a  clean  chaplain)  pressed  upon  them  his 
views  for  their  welfare.  He  told  them  not  to  indulge  in  dreamy 
notions  about  a  heaven  up  in  cloud-land,  but  assured  them  that  there 
would  be  a  tangible  new  earth,  on  which  should  be  neither  sin,  poverty, 
nor  sorrow,  and  he  gave  them  certain  advice  as  to  qualifying  themselves 
for  it.  And  hundreds  of  these  creatures  expressed  their  thankfulness. 
This  sort  of  thing  will  not  do.  We  can't  have  seedy-minded  Bishops. 
We  are  happy  to  know  that,  painful  as  the  task  may  be,  DR.  WILBEK- 
FORCE  has  undertaken  to  remonstrate  with  the  eccentric  DR.  TAIT,  and 
remind  his  Lordship  of  what  he  owes  to  his  order.  Luckily  neither  on 
a  Bishop's  mitre  nor  a  Baron's  coronet  are  there  leaves,  or  we  should 
have  trembled  for  their  fate  among  the  silkworms. 


Belief  for  Rich  and  Poor. 

THE  suspension  of  the  stringent  provision  of  the  Bank  Charter  Act 
has  relieved  the  dealers  in  money.  Could  not  the  stringent  provisions 
of  the  Poor  Law  be  slightly  relaxed,  also,  in  favour  of  the  destitute, 
thrown  out  of  employment  by  the  crisis  ?  Surely  Government  and  the 
legislature  will  not  play  fast  and  loose :  loose  with  the  discount-houses, 
and  fast  with  the  workhouses ! 


ORTHOGRAPHY  FOR  /TAILORS.— Sydenham  Trousers,  17s.  Grf. !  Go 
where  you  will,  you  encounter  a  placard  or  a  poster  relative  to 
Sydenham  Trousers.  Sydenham  !— why  Sydenham  ?  Don't  the  people 
know  how  to  spell  ?  Shouldn't  it  be  Sit-in-'em  ? 


Printed  by  William  Rrailburv,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Wobum  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullen  Evans  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Rodent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  I'ancras,  in  the  Count j-  of  Middlesex, 
Print. rs,  at  tln-ir  Olti.-e  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  i  recmct  of  \VhitefriftrB,  in  the  City  of  Londoivar.d  Publitlel  by  them  at  No.£.7,£lett  Street,  in  the  1'amh  of  St.  Uriilf,  in  the  City  of 
London.—  SATUMDAY,  December  I'1.  is>7. 


DECEMBER 


T?IE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


257 


I  such  a  course,  we  consider  that  such  imbecility  would  be 
about  on  a  par  with  the  strength  of  his  late  argument,  in 
showing  comet  ary  cause  why  he  was  entitled  to  protection 
by  the  Act.  We  know  when  men  are  pushed  for  reasons, 
they  often  have  recourse  to  forcible  expressions,  but  really 
this  assigning  one's  misfortunes  to  a  non-arriving  Comet, 
we  can  but  view  as  an  attempt  to  come-it  much  too  strong. 


After  I'isitiiir/  tlie  Cattle  Show,  Farmer  Giles  gets  a  "  little  lit  t,'  dinner,"  drinks  a 
liuttle  of  "  red  poort,"  and  has  a  fearful  dream  in  consequence. 


A    COMET    IN    A    LAW    COURT. 

WITH  all  our  depth  of  penetration,  there  are  occasionally  mysteries  too  deep  for 
us  to  fathom ;  and  such  a  one  we  find  in  the  following  statement  by  the  Daily 
News  reporter,  in  re  a  recent  applicant  to  the  Insolvent  Debtors'  Court : — 

"  This  insolTcnt,  a  butcher,  who  applied  under  the  Protection  Act,  attributed  his  appearance  to 
the  high  price  of  meat,  and  the  loss  ho  had  sustained  in  June,  when  the  Comet  was  expected,  by  a 
large  quantity  being  spoilt." 

Whatever  the  "appearance"  of  this  butcher  may  have  been,  we  are  puzzled  to 
conjecture  how,  in  any  way,  he  could  assign  it  to  the  causes  which  he  mentions. 
The  high  price  of  meat  might  undoubtedly  affect  the  looks  of  many  people,  by  forcing 
them  to  total  abstinence  from  that  nutritious  condiment,  and  compliance  with  the 
dietary  rules  of  Vegetarianism.  The  ruddiest  of  beef-eaters  might  show  a  change 
in  his  appearance,  were  he  driven  by  high  prices  to  farinaceous  viands,  and  liveda 
month  or  two  on  cabbages  washed  down  with  toast  and  water.  But  we  should 
have  thought  a  butcher  was  one  of  the  last  people  t9  be  forced  to  give  up  eating 
meat,  just  as  we  should  fancy  that  in  case  of  any  scarcity  of  coals,  the  last  persons 
to  use  wood  would  be  the  people  of  Newcastle. 

But  much  as  this  may  puzzle  us,  the  second  cause  alleged  is  greatly  more  per- 
plexing. How  a  butcher's  meat  can  have  been  spoilt  by  the  expectation  of  a 
Comet,  it  really  quite  surpasses  our  imagination  to  conceive.  We  have  heard 
wondrous  tales  of  the  appendages  of  Comets,  which  we  have  generally  regarded  as 
tails  for  the  Marines ;  but  here  we  have  a  Comet  appearing  in  a  Law  Court  with 
a  tale  of  its  destructiveness  in  bond  fide  evidence,  and  no  doubt  supported  by  a 
host  of  affidavits  ;  it  is  worthy,  too,  of  notice,  as  showing  in  the  strongest  light  the 
baleful  influence  of  Comets,  that  the  damage  was  occasioned  not  by  actual  approach, 
but  by  mere  expectation  of  the  vagrant  body.  As  coming  events  cast  their  shadows 
before,  so  Comets,  it  would  seem,  are  capable  of  damaging  when  merely  in 
expectancy. 

Although  we  sympathise  immensely  with  this  unlucky  butcher  (who  may  thank 
his  stars,  however,  that  he  was  not  Comet-struck  himself,  as  well  as  his  large  quan- 
tity of  meat),  we  can  hardly  be  surprised  at  the  upshot  of  his  case,  which  resulted, 
we  are  told,  in  an  adjournment  sine  die  ;  or,  in  other  words,  until  the  plea  which  he 
set  up  should  be  capable  of  proof.  In  applying  on  such  grounds  for  the  protection 
of  the  Court,  the  insolvent  might  as  well  have  sued  for  its  protection  from  the 
Comet ;  and  when  next  that  visitor  is  currently  expected,  we  should  recommend 
his  seeking  magisterial  advice,  as  to  how  best  to  preserve  his  meat  from  being 
spoilt  by  it.  It  it  be  thought  that  he  would  only  show  his  weakness  by  taking 


SIGNS  OF  THE  SEASON. 

DISMANTLED  now,  the  forest  trees, 

Are  in  the  dreary  case, 
Since  they  have  doffed  their  liveries, 

Of  footmen  out  of  place. 
All  bare,  except  the  evergreens, ' 

Their  leaves  whicli  do  not  shed, 
The  gloomy  paths  of  sylvan  scenes, 

My  highlows,  cease  to  tread. 

Along  the  pavements  now  to  pad, 

It  is  thepetter  way, 
Where,  whilst  the  groves  are  dark  and  sad, 

The  shops  are  bright  and  gay. 
There  let  us  muse  upon  the  goods, 

Which  bid  us  understand, 
As  fully  as  the  leafless  woods, 
•     That  Christmas  is  at  hand. 

The  butchers'  to  the  pensive  mind, 

Impart  a  sweet  relief; 
There  Meditation  food  may  find 

In  lovely  bits  of  beef. 
And  if  perchance,  a  thought  of  gloom 

May  on  the  heart  intrude, 
We  smile  to  think  who  can  consume    ' 

All  that  amount  of  food. 

The  linendrapers'  also  teem 

With  objects  rich  and  rare, 
Which  lovely  beings  truly  dream 

That  they  shall  shortly  wear,      ; 
Burnous,  and  Bertha,  and  Visile 

Of  azure,  white  and  pink, 
You  hear  them  cry,  "  Oh  dear !  how  sweet ! 

How  charming !    Only  think !  " 

Nor  do  the  sons  of  Crispin  not 

The  wayfarer  amuse, 
See  in  their  windows,  what  a  lot 

Of  smart  white  satin  shoes ! 
Approaching  parties  these  portend 

To  every  thinking  mind  ; 
And  thus,  wherever  we  may  wend, 

Diversion  still  we  find. 

We  see  the  grocers'  window^  piled 

With  raisins,  currants,  spice. 
"  My  eye  !  "  exclaims  the  gazing  child, 

"  How  plummy !   Oh  !  how  nice ! " 
And  then  a  maddening  thought  there  comes, 

And  rushes  o'er  the  brain : 
We  wish,  when  we  behold  those  plums, 

That  we  were  boys  again ! 


Tests  of  the  Passions.' 

(By  our  Tame  Misogynist). 

To  find  out  whom  a  child  loves,  make  it  a  present,  and 
notice  to  whom  it  is  most  eager  to  show  that  present, 
exultingly.  To  find  out  whom  a  woman  hates — do  exactly 
the  same  things.  

The  Hero   of  Mill-wall. 

MB.  BRUNEL  is  undaunted  by  the  scoffs  launched  at  his 
launch.  He  may  be  observed,  in  the  evenings,  gazing 
hopefully  on  the  Leviathan,  and  ejaculating,  like  another 
GALILEO,  Epur  se  muove. 


COKN  EXCHANGE. 

ME.  EISENBEB.G  is  building  a  tower  for  the  express 
purpose  of  calling  it  the  "  Tour  de  Nail." 


VOL.  xxxni. 


D  D 


258 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  26,  1857. 


UNFASHIONABLE  INTELLIGENCE. 

in,  and  MRS.  FENCER 
cease  to  receive  as  usual,  ii 
consequence  of  having  beei 
committed  to  Newgate. 

Mil.  MOTLEY  is  entertainin_ 
a  select  circle  at  his  place  in 
the  Ring. 

MK.  FAKEII  has  arrived  a 
the  Spotted  Day. 

MR.  BILL  SXORKEY  has  in 
vitrd  to  his  suburban  esta 
blishment  a  large  party  of  th 
democracy  1o  partake  of  th 
sport  of  Ratting. 

The  HOME  SECRETARY  has 
done  Mil.  RUITY  the  Iwnour 
of  conferring  on  him  a  Ticket 
of-leave. 

MASTER  FRISK,  has  got  three 
months. 

ME.  HOOK.IT,  the  Bank  Di- 
rector, has  quitted  Euglauc 
for  change  of  air,  that  ol 
this  country  having  been  pro- 
nounced too  warm  for  him. 

The  '  destination  of  the 
honourable  gentleman  is  at 
present  unknown. 


THE  SWEET  USES  OF  PROSPERITY.* 

MAN,  when  prosperous,  is  kept  regularly  acquainted  with  all  the 
pressing  wants  of  his  friends. 

fle  is  reminded  of  every  little  favour  and  obligation  that  has  ever 
been  conferred  upon  him  during  his  life-time,  even  including  his  school- 
days. 

He  is  beset  by  mothers  with  marriageable  daughters. 

He  becomes  the  target  of  all  begging-letter  writers. 

He  is  applied  to  by  every  charity,  every  hospital,  every  institute, 

•ery  reformatory,  besides  every  bubble  company,  for  subscriptions, 
<uid  ;inust  run  the  risk  of  being  considered  "mean,"  or  called  "a 
screw,"  if  he  declines  subscribing  to  every  one  of  them. 

He  becomes  the  slave  of  a  large  retinue  of  servants,  and  is  obliged  to 
jut  up  with  their  caprices,  their  pretensions,  their  impertinences,  and 
,he  vanous  other  forms  and  phases  of  ingratitude  that  Flunkeyism,  in 
Us  pampered  state,  is  mostly  addicted  to. 

He  is  expected,  every  now  and  then,  to  take  the  chair  at  a  public  dinner  . 

He  yokes  himself  to  a  magnificent  carriage  with  the  most  beautiful 
wises,  and  becomes  terribly  alarmed  at  the  smallest  accident  occurring 
to  them. 

He  is  doomed  to  hear  nothing  but  flattery,  and  should  the  truth 
by  any  accident  be  told  him,  it  sounds  so  harshly  in  his  ears  that  he  is 
almost  inclined  to  resent  it  as  an  insult. 

He  has  fulsome  dedications,  and  is  obliged  to  buy  innumerable 
copies  of  stupid  books,  as  he  knows  well  enough  that  the  dedication  is 
written  for  no  other  object. 

He.  ha?  bis  town-house  and  his  country-house,  his  carriage-horses 

d  his  riding-horses,  besides  hunting-horses  and  horses  for  his  friends 
DA  tat  grooms  and  favourite  dogs,  every  one  of  which  is  a  source  of 
ndless  anxiety  to  him.  With  his  possessions  increase  his  cares 

He  is  dunned  to  death  to  be  the  Director,  or  Guardian,  or  Trustee, 
>r  Chairman  of  nearly  all  the  equivocal  Societies  and  Companies 
philanthropical  or  otherwise,  that  have  "SWINDLING"  written  in  large 
characters  upon  the  brass  front  of  their  doors  or  prospectuses 

He  has  relations  without  end  constantly  springing  up,  and  they 

atTnTnion  worgkhoSnse"d  ^^  "^  "  b°ldly  "  «  *™c]^ 

He  has  every  false  Apollo,  every  Wardour-Street   Venm    every 

Brummagem  Laocoon,  submitted   to  his  critical   notice,   eitne?  for 

urchase,  patronage  or  puff:  and  is  pestered  by  quacks  of  all  descrip- 

he   Jallfr^TalS'it?SV£}ng  tllat  he  Las  ^  extracted  without 
he  h«  Wn  f  VT  vf  hy\e}<>e  a  corn  as  big  as  a  walnut,  or  that 
been  m  the  habit  of  taking  the  ESSENCE  OF  GAMMON  for  the 
last  nineteen  years,  and  has  derived  the  greatest  benefit  from  it. 

ncLrf^mlH5  SMe>  amj.lsin  .a  Perpetual  state  of  alarm  lest  the 
sellers  should  not  leave  him  a  single  pheasant 
e  must  not  question  a  tradesman's  account,  but  submit  gracefully 
he  haS  Plenty  °f  ^  aXan  well 


so  woe  to  him  if  lie  is  not  regular  in  his  attendance  at  church,  and 
still  greater  woe  to  him  if  he  should  happen,  during  an  asphyxiating 
sermon,  to  fall  asleep ;  woe  to  him  if  he  attempts  to  sucak  off  a  jury, 
or  tries  to  get  himself  excused  from  attending  at  an  inquest ;  woe  to 
him  if  he  refuses  to  serve  as  churchwarden ;  woe  to  him  if  he  is  diffident 
about  examining  charity  children,  or  delicate  about  the  distribution  of 
tracts  or  soup-tickets;  and  everlasting  woe  to  him,  if  he  fail  in 
running  about  with  all  the  benevolent  old  women  of  the  neighbourhood 
in  catechising,  relieving,  and  visiting  the  queerest  people  in  the 
queerest  places. 

Notwithstanding  all  these  cares  and  anxieties,  in  spite  of  all  the 
persecutions  and  drawbacks  to  which  Prosperity  is,  from  its  nature 
and  worldly  condition,  condemned,  I  fancy  that  there  are  few  amongst 
us  who  would  not,  wish  to  be  Prosperous  to-morrow  ?  For  myself,  I 
candidly  confess  I  should  not  mind  having  the  MARQUIS  OF  WEST- 
MINSTER'S wealth;  though  I  should  decline  it,  if  the  condition  were 
attached  to  it,  that  1  must  be  the  MARQUIS  or  WESTMINSTER!  No, 
believe  nie,  that  of  all  the  sweet  uses  of  Prosperity,  the  sweetest  is 
iu  knowing  how  to  use  it ! — The  Hermit  of  the  Haymarket. 


HOMAGE  TO  THE  HORSERADISH. 

HORSERADISH,  hast  thou  never  stung, 
At  Christmas-tide,  a  poet's  tongue  ? 
No  more  shall  thou  remain  unsung. 

A  host  of  bards,  with  all  their  means, 
Have  gloriCed  those  evergreens 
Which  now  adorn  our  festive  scenes. 

But  holly,  prickly  though  it  be, 
Hath  nothing  of  such  pungency 
That  it  can  be  compared  with  thee. 

Apart  from  mistletoe,  right  lief, 

I'd  snatch  a  kiss ;  but,  oh,  what  grief 

To  miss  horseradish  with  roast-beef! 


LOED  PUNCH  TO  LORD  COVENTRY. 

MY   DEAR  YOUNG  Loiil), 

In  the  sporting  papers  of  this  week  I  read  as  follows  : — 

"  LORD  COVENTRY  is  entering,  with  much  enthusiasm,  upou  the  turf.  His  Lord- 
hip  is  forming  an  admirable  stud." 

Now,  my  dear  young  Lord  (I  may  call  you  so,  because  I  Irarn  from 
ny  esteemed  friend,  MK.  DOD,  that  you  were  born  in  1838),  listen 
,o  me. 

In  the  sporting  papers  of  about  this  time  four  years,  or  perhaps  less, 

shall  assuredly  read  as  follows  : — 

"  LORD  COVENTRY  retires  from  the  turf,  and  his  stud  is  on  sale.  He  is  so  dis- 
usted  with  the  rascality  which  lie  has  witues.scd,  and  of  which  he  has  been  a 
ictim,  that  he  will  have  no  more  to  do  with  raciug  men.  It  is  deplorable  to  see 
ow  all  gentlemen  are  deterred  from  the  noble  sport  by  the  seouudrelism  of  those 
fho  make  it  a  trade." 

And,  my  dear  young  Lord,  your  bankers'  account  will  be  the  worse  by 
ome  £30,000  by  the  interval  between  the  two  dates.  And  that  sum 
fill  have  gone  to  benefit  a  set  of  fellows  whom  it  would  be  a  most 
xcellent  thing  to  send  to  penal  servitude  for  the  rest  of  their  natural 
.ves. 

Come,  GEORGE  WILLIAM,  there  have  been  some  clever  men  in  your 
•nnily.    It  claimed  a  LORD  KEEPER,  in  1625,  don't  let  it  claim  a  LORD 
JOSER  in  1858.    Leave  the  turf  to  its  rogues,  send  the  £30,000  to  the 
ndian  Fund,  and  write  me  a  letter  of  thanks  for  the  hint. 
Ever,  my  dear  young  Lord, 

Your  affectionate  Guardian, 

Shortest  Day,  1857. 


He  is  expected,  from  his  exalted  position,  to  set  an  example  to  others  ; 

*  We  "The  Sweet  Urn  of  AdteriSty,"  Vol.  xxxil.,  p.  107. 


CORRUPT  PRACTICES. — FOR  a  medical  man  to  be  continually  called 
ut  of  church  in  the  middle  of  the  service  ! — For  a  young  gentleman 
o  practise  the  cornet-a-pistons  in  the  middle  of  the  night ! — For  a 
arrister  to  accept  the  fees  for  more  briefs  than  he  can  possibly  attend 
o ! — For  an  infernal  bore  to  begin  proposing  healths,  and  making 
oeeches,  directly  after  dinner ! — For  a  conceited  barber's-apprentice 
f  a  singer  to  come  forward,  and  repeat  his  dreary  song,  at  the  very 
aintest  cry  for  an  "  Encore  !  "— For  the  stupid  public  to  persist  in  the 
orrupt  practice  of  having  any  "Encores"  at  all,  more  especially  in 
icred  compositions ! — and  for  a  beautiful  young  lady  (more  shame  for 
er !  when  she  has  a  capacity  botli  for  singing  and  playing)  to  neglect 
her  music,  and  give  up  practising  altogether,  as  soon  as  she  is  married ! 

DESIGN  FOR  A  CARTOON  IN  THE  BANK-PAKLOUH. — PAM  teaching 
the  Old  Lady  in  Threadneedle  Street  to  fly  kites. 


DECEMBER  26,  1857.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVA I :  > . 


259 


HOW    MR.    COOKE    TAKES    DELHI. 

WE  used  to  think  that  there  were  nearly  enough  of  the  SOMERSETS 
in'the  public  service.  AVherever  there  was  a  good  berth  vacated,  if  one 
of  that  family  did  not  get  it,  his  failure  was  certainly  not  owing  to  any 
want  of  asking.  But  there  is  a  gentleman  of  the  name  whose  merits 
have  been  overlooked  by  all  Governments,  and  that  is  MK.  C.  A. 
SOMERSET,  who  supplies  ideas  and  dialogue  for  the  spectacles  at 
Astley's.  We  only  wish  that  he  had  been  sent  to  India  instead  of  that 
unhappy  Loitn  CANNING.  He  would  have  made  short  work  with  the 
Sepoy  scoundrels.  You  would  not  have  caught  /«'/»  insulting  the 
loyal"  English  population  of  Calcutta,  or  its  press,  by  placing  them 
under  the  same  disabling  laws  as  the  black  trators.  You  would  no! 
have  found  him  preventing  the  Christian  population  from  arming  and 
organising.  You  would  not  have  had  him  interposing  between 
treason  and  its  punishment.  In  a  word,  SOMERSET  would  have  been 
as  right  as  CANNING  has  been  wrong,  and  that  is  saying  a  great  deal. 

This  eulogy  is  not  passed  in  ignorance  of  facts,  as  CANNING  is 
defended  by  his  ministerial  friends.  We  have  seen  MR.  BoKBSSH'l 
notion  of  dealing  witli  the  Sepoys.  We  saw  it  from  a  box  at  Ast  K 
and  we  declare  it  to  be  higldy  satisfactory.  Anew  spectacle  has  been 
got  up,  in  which  the  history  of  the  rebellion  is  set  out,  from  the  mutiny 
at  Barraekpore  to  the  storming  of  Delhi.  It  is  a  most  animated  affair, 
the  interest  never  flags,  and  the  author  has  had  the  good  taste  (lacked 
elsewhere,  and  where  it  might  have  been  reasonably  looked  for),  to 
omit  any  attempt  at  reproducing  the  horrors  of  the  Indian  crisis.  \Vc 
see  the  black  rascals  plotting  and  rebelling,  and  rendering  thems 
just  detestable  enough  to  make  the  audience  shout  with  joy  whcii  the 
swift  vengeance  of  countless  supernumeraries  breaks  upon  the 
miscreants,  and  they  are  banged,  beaten,  bayoneted,  blown  from  guns, 
or  otherwise  disposed  of,  as  suits  the  scene.  Small  time  are  they 
allowed  even  for  their  greatest  triumph,  when  some  ladies  are  made 
captive.  Hardly  have  the  latter  time  to  deal  out  defiance  and  a  pistol- 
shot  or  so,  when  in  dash  the  Highlanders,  and  every  ruffian  is  pinned 
with  the  steel.  Another  .attack  upon  the  women  is  punished  even 
more  summarily — the  soldiers,  borrowing  the  bonnets,  lie  in  ambush, 
and  as  the  Sepoys  rush  upon  a  defenceless  prey,  out  leaps  the 
blasting  volley.  And  as  for  Delhi,  the  revenge  of  England  comes  down 
upon  it  in  a  storm  of  tire  that  makes  you  smell  powder  for  an  hour 
alterwards. 

The  spectacle  is  quite  a  national  one,  and  sends  away  the  audience 
most  confirmed  anti-sentimentalists.  LORD  CANNING'S  head  is  said 
to  be  very  cool — as  cool  as  his  conduct — but  we  have  a  notion  that  a 
jury  from  Astloy's  would  order  it  off  with  very  considerable  prompti- 
tude. l'i -jtisli  enthusiasm  is  thoroughly  stirred  up,  and  we  are  far  from 
sure  that  if  the  Sepoy  actors  held  out  too  long,  a  reinforcement  from 
the  pit  would  not  storm  the  orchestra  and  whack  the  traitors.  And 
when  it  is  desired  to  concentrate  the  feeling  of  the  house,  MR.  JAMES 
HOLLOW  AY,  as  a  Serjeant-Major,  promoted  to  be  a  Cornet,  (the  exclu- 
sive system  will  not  do  coram  populo)  fights  such  a  dreadful  sword 
combat  with  four  enemies,  that  the  applause  of  the  spectators  becomes 
hurricanish.  The  Generals,  HAVELOCK,  HEARSEK  (with  no  one  to  snub 
him  for  promptly  doing  a  wise  thing),  WILSON,  and  others,  ride  with 
heroic  recklessness,  and  young  MB.  COOKE,  as  a  military  photographer, 
is  alternately  fascinating  and  valiant,  as  circumstances  dictate.  In  fine, 
those  who  want  to  see  lots  of  soldiers  of  all  sorts,  good  fierce  fighting, 
and  the  invariable  triumph  of  HER  MAJESTY'S  arms,  had  better  go 
over  Westminster  Bridge,  which  is  still  tolerably  safe. 


VENISON  HAM. 
"  MR.  PUNCH, 

"LOOKEE  here,  Sir.    Here's  a  rum  story  out  o'  the'lForaa 
Gazette : — 

"  VENISON.— We  have  had  an  abundant  supply  of  deer  in  the  new  markets  for  the 
last  month.  MR.  TOENBUI.L,  game  dealer,  has  had  a  weekly  display  of  a  dozen  of 
these  nobls-looking  animals,  the  hinder  parts  of  which  have  been  readily  purchased 
for  hams,  at  6d.  a  pound  ;  while  the  other  portions  of  the  carcase  were  quickly  dis- 
posed of  nt  "ni.  We  understand  they  were  sent  from  the  forests  at  Qlenfiddich." 

"  They  must  be  preshus  bad  off  for  pigs,  I  should  think,  up  there  in 
Scotland,  to  be  bliged  to  meak  their  hams  out  o'  deer.  How  much  fat, 
I  wonder,  is  there  on  them  Scotch  deer  hams  ?  I  don't  suppose  there's 
no  acorns  nor  beech-nuts  in.  the  Scotch  vorrests.  zo  I  dwooan't  know 
what  med  be  the  case  thereaway ;  but  this  I'll  be  bound  vor— if  there's 
any  deer  left  in  the  New  Forest,  and  people  hereabouts  was  to  begin 
turnun  of  their  hindquarters  into  hams,  I  warnd  there'd  zoon  be  a 
precious  row  tween  they  and  the  pigs  as  be  turned  out  to  'ood  in  the 
fall.  The  hogs  'ood  veel  twos  a  ninterverance  wi  their' vested  rights, 
and  what  a  gruntun  and  a  squeakun  we  should  hear  among  urn  ! 

"  Fancy  a  stag  in  a  sty— magine  a  deer-tub  and  stag-wash.  When 
you'd  put  un  up  to  vat,  what  old  you  gie  un  ?— barley  male,  or  what  ? 
Wonder  what  sart  o'  beeacon  he'd  make  ?  Gammon,  a  goodish  bit,  no 
doubt.  And  how  about  stag-poork  P  If  so  be  there  was  sitch  a  thing, 


a  chap  med  be  puzzled  to  tell  the  difference  'tween  a  poork-pie  and  a 
venison-pasty. 

"This  here  MR.  TURNBULL,  as  sells  the  deer  to  make  hams  wi,  had 
better  be  called  MR.  TURNSTAU,  seeun  as  how  he  sirns  to  turn  stags 
into  pigs.  I  never  heerd  nothun:  like  ut  avore.  'cept  once  our  parson 
UJkun  bout  an  old 'ooman.one  /URSY,  I  thinks  a  call'd  her,  turnun 
of  Christians  into  swine.  That  there  Deeacon  must  ha  bin  suinmut 
like  this  here— beeacon  bewitch'd.  But  there,  I  mustn't  trespass  no 
furder  upon  your  colms ;  else  I  spose  you'll  begin  to  Rrunt .  Zo  no  moor 
at  pre/nt  vrom  your  reglar  renlr,-  "WILLIAM  CHOCKS." 

,  Hants,  Dec.  1857." 


BUCOLIC  INTELLIGENCE. 

A  (CORDING  to  a 'recent  commercial  report  relative  to  the  Corn 
Trade  :— 

"  Store  and  fat  stock  are  still  inactive." 

How  confidently  this  announcement  may  be  depended  upon,  must 
be  manifest  to  everybody  who  visited  the  Fat  Cattle  Show  and  in- 
spected the  Pigs. 


RANDOM  REFLECTIONS. 

YOUR  cabman  is  the  most  aspiring  of  mortals.  Whatever  rank  he 
may  be  on,  he  is  always  looking  for  a  hire. 

Hope  cannot  satisfy,  it  merely  appetises.  The  man  who  "  lives  iu 
hope  is  generally  hungry. 

Happy  the  man  who  can  meet  his  tailor  without  flinching,  and  can 
even  be  "  at  home  "  when  the  tax-collector  visits  him. 

Bashfulness  is  merely  a  matter  of  position.  Ladies  who  object  to  be 
kissed  under  the  mistletoe  show  no  such  reluctance  to  be  kissed  under 
the  rose.  

Epigram  by  an  Uneducated  Donkey. 

CLEVER  MR.  BRUNNLE, 
His  father  made  the  Tunnel ; 
But  touching  this  here  ship 
The  son  has  made  a—  Slip. 


A  NEW  INTERJECTION. 


PEOPLE  who  are  intensely  disgusted  often  express  their  feelings  by 
exclaiming,  "  J'ah  !  "  If  the  cause  of  their  disgust  is  the  conduct  of 
a  Bank  Director,  perhaps  iu  future  they  will  cry  "  WAUOH  ! " 

IRONV  TOR  CHRISTMAS. — The  Relieving  Officer  derives  his  name 
from  his  duty,  because  he  is  chiefly  employed  in  turning  the  destitute 
away  from  the  workhouse-door. 


2GO 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  26,  1857. 


CHRISTMAS  SHOOTING  CHORUS. 

AIR. — EThflitafcbtaiMtf. 

WHAT  pastime  can  equal  the  sport  of  a  schoolboy ''. 
When  Christmas  Vacation  at  large  lets  him  run ! 
Through  lane  and  up  hedgerow  to  chase  thrush  and 

blackbird, 

Or  follow  the  field-fare  with  bird-bolt  and  gun. 
With  bow  and  with  arrow 
To  aim  at  the  sparrow. 

The  chaflinch,  and  greenfinch,  and  bunting,  till  dark  ; 
Or  stones  to  go  shying 
At  robins,  or  trying, 
Now  sitting,  now  Hying, 
To  knock  o'er  the  lark. 
Oh,  what  a  lark,  what  a  lark,  what  a  lark,  what  a  lark ! 

What  a  lark ! 

What  a  jolly,  jolly,  jolly  lark  ! 
All,  what  a  lark ! 
( Mi,  what  a  lark  ! 
Hip,  hip,  hooray  for  a  lark ! 


As  SLEEP  is    OUT  or  THE  QUESTION,  o  THOSE  CONFOUNDED  WAITS, 

Mn.  BANGS,  LIKE  A  SENSIBLE  PERSON,  ACCOMMO^TES  HIMSELF  TO  CIRCUMSTANCES^ 

AND  PRACTISES  BIS  DWCSNO  ! 


A  DECEPTIVE  SPIRIT. 

CHEMISTRY  is  a  wonderful  science.  Witness  the  following 
telegram : — 

"  An  Imperial  decree  in  the  Moniteur  announces  that  foreign 
brandies  have  to  pay  on  importation  into  France  a  duty  of  25  francs 
per  hectolitre  of  pure  alcohol." 

Import  brandy  into  France  P  Carry  coals  to  Newcastle ! 
You  will  perhaps  exclaim.  But  we  have  long  suspected 
that  all  the  best  French  brandy  was  made  in  London.  The 
Moniteur  proves  that  we  were  right.  We  shall  ask  for 
Cognac  no  more;  when  next* we  require  a  little  glass, 
medicinally,  we  shall  call  it  "  Smithfield." 


Metallic'  Operations. 

MAEK  the  Leviathan  lying  up  there  all  dry ; 

Pity  the  shareholders'  panics  : 
"Metal  on  Metal"  we  knew  was  false  heraldry, 

Now  it 's  declared  false  mechanics. 


LEAVES    FROM    A    CHRISTMAS-TREE. 

OB,  HIOUGim  THAT  HANG  ON  PLAYTUIXOS. 

PLEASURE  is  but  a  ball  that  a  child  runs 
after  so  long  as  it  keeps  rolling,  but 
which  he  kicks  away  from  him  the 
moment  it  stops. 

The  character  that  has  holes  pierced 
in  it  isn't  worth  a  pin,  and  you  can  say 
the  same  of  a  child's  drum. 

Drums  also,  partake  of  the  quality 
given  by  NAPOLEON  to  English  soldiers, 
for  '  they  never  know  when  they  're 
beaten." 

The  child  takes  a  pleasure  in  blowing 
its  trumpet.  What  is  music  to  itself  is 
discord  to  others  ;  and  yet  it  will  perse- 
vere for  hours.  The  man  becomes  often 
as  great  a  nuisance  when  he  allows  his 
vanity  to  be  incessantly  pushing  him 
before  others  to  blow  his  own  trumpet  ! 

A  gong  that  is  sounded  too  loudly 
only  startles  -jjtople.  So,  in  soundin" 


your  praise, 

'S"t  ;' 


thumpingly 
from  you, 
.    their  cars, 
^with  such  empty  noise. 

The  performer  on  a  tin  fiddle  remind  one  of  the  prosperous 
fortune     1S          yS  mg  of  ^'^  accumulated  a  large 


, 

not  do  it  with  too 
sound  them  loo 
us  will  only  run  away 
1)ut  their  fingers  in 

'  mi  iMt  being  bored 


A  good  book  is  like  travelling.  The  memory  is  sure  to  make  some 
agreeable  passage. 

The  doll  that  speaks  too  frequently  ends  badly.  The  possession  of 
its  gift  is  the  cause  of  its  destruction.  To  find  out  the  secret  of  its 
inspiration  it  is  picked  to  pieces.  It  is  the  fate  of  genius  all  over. 

Scandal  flies  much  like  a  kite,  according  to  the  length  of  the  tale  it 
has  to  carry. 

At  Christmas-time,  in  the  society  of  children,  every  one  is  present- 
able ;  but  more  especially  he  who  comes  laden  with  presents. 

Whipping  may  make  a  humming-top  go  spinningly  enough ;  but  it 
is  thrown  away  on  boys.  XERXES,  after  his  ships  were  wrecked, 
flogged  the  sea ;  but  we  never  heard  of  the  sea  having  taken  a  moral 
turn  from  that  moment.  In  the  same  way  many  boys  are  wrecked  at 
school,  and  the  schoolmaster  in  his  rage  flogs  the  boy  for  it. 

The  full  mind,  like  a  money-bag  that  is  full,  makes  no  noise  ;  but 
the  empty  mind,  like  a  money-bag  with  only  two  or  three  coins  in  it, 
keeps  up  such  an  incessant  rattle  that  its  emptiness  soon  betrays 
itself  to  all. 

A  wooden  sword  has  this  advantage— that  it  doesn't  wear  out  the 
scabbard.  The  same  can  be  said  of  a  body  with  a  wooden  soul  in  it ! 

It  is  pleasant  to  see  a  green  old  age,  like  a  Christmas-Tree,  comfort- 
ably boxed  in  at  home.  It  is  pleasant  to  see  its  trunk,  bent  beneath 
the  weight  of  riches,  surrounded  by  a  host  of  happy  children.  It  is 
pleasant  to  see  it  stretching  out  its  hospitable  arms  to  all,  as  though 
it  were  anxious  to  embrace  the  entire  party.  It  is  pleasant  to  see  it 
bloss9ming  with  generous  things,  and  shedding  a  cheerful  light  on  the 
gay  circle  it  delights  in  drawing  around  it.  And  it  is  pleasant  to  see 
it  distributing  with  a  lavish  hand  the  treasures  it  has  accumulated  on 
all  branches,  and  to  notice  its  head  rising  higher  every  time  it  parts 
with  a  fresh  gift ! 

Stocks  for  Scoundrels. 

WE  understand  that  recent  commercial  disclosures  have  determined 
the  Government  to  propose  to  Parliament,  early  in  the  Session,  a  Bill 
lor  the  protection  of  the  public  against  fraudulent  Joint  Stock  Company 
Directors,  by  securing  all  such  delinquents  in  the  parish  stocks. 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIK  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— DECEMBER  26,  1857. 


PAM   (THE    CELEBRATED    CHEF)   MAKING   HIS 

CHRISTMAS   PUDDING. 


ACQUISITION  for  a  Family  (An),  74 

Advice  to  Angry  Men,  74 

Ailvico  to  Mr.  Buckstone,  19 

Allegories  on  the  Banks  of  the  Tilwr,  133 

All  work  and  some  play,  48 

An  Act  of  Continental  Grace,  256 

Animal  Longevity,  74 

Another  Illusion  Gone,  206 

Another  Parisian  Embellishment,  229 

Another  Stoppage,  213 

Appalling  Le^al  News,  219 

Approaching  Martyrdoms,  11 

Apropos  of  the  Great  Bonnet  Question,  195 

Arcades  Ambo,  158 

Art  Appurtenances  in  the  Sin 

Art  of  Sinking  a  Telegraph  (Tin-  . 

Art-Treasure  (An),  166 

Art- Wellington  (An),  60 

BAD  Account  of  a  Good  Musician    ' 

Bad  Cartridges,  39 

Bagmen  for  the  Battle-FielJ,  15<; 

Ballad  of  Hearing  Hanna  (The),13l 

Barnacle's  Cur  (Tite),  195 

Battle  of  Cromorne  (The),  175 

Battle  of  the  Pictures  (Th> 

Battle  of  the  Telegram  (Tli,  , 

Beauty  in  Armour,  23 

Beer  Barrels  v.  Sunday  Bands,  («t>. 

Best  Monument  to  Jcnner  (Tin 

Bigotry,  Intolerance,  and  L'irHHiwMM 

Black  Hi 

Black  Strap  I: 

Bluc-Stockinpr  that  «p:i!d  Hemline,  1  10 

Bore  of  iU':  0  i 'She)  ,133 

j:>. in. -a 

Bottle  that  i  uit    Inebriates 

A),  ni 

•ich  Horseflesh,  69 
lns  and  British  Merchants, 

iculpture  Equalled  in  Rome, ] 
_  of  tho  Order  of  Nana  Sahib, 
.._  Intelligence,  259 
...ogs  and  Ketrievers,  234 
irial  of  BC-rangcr  (The),  42 
.luiKii'.s  Money-Market  (The),  230 

.  .mibridge  Banquet,  198 

Camellia  Breadalbanica  (The),  173 

Canterbury  Casino  (The),  4. 

Captive  (The),  112 

Case  of  Clerical  Nervousness,  219 

Cellar  above  the  Library  (The),  113 

Christmas  Shooting  Chorus,  260 

Chnpaties  and  Lotus  Flowers,  114 

Cives  Homani,  198 

Clerical  Fiddlers,  230 

Cockadoodledoo !  96 

Ccelestibus  Ira,  146 

Comet  in  a  Law  Court,  257 

Comic  Court  Circular  (A),  158 

Consternation  in  the  Green  Room,  60 

Contributor  in  a  Fix  (A),  148 

Cooking  by  Electricity,  198 

Corn  Exchange,  257 

Corporation  itself  Again  (The),  193 

Corrupt  Practices,  86,  258 

Corrupt  Practices'  Prevention  Bill,  01 

Counterblast  for  Puffing,  246 

Counterpart  to  Crinoline,  85 

Counts  and  Crackshaws,  92 

Cracking  of  Big  Ben  (The),  194 

Crinoline  for  Gentlemen,  183 

Cruel  Parient  (A),  95 

DARING  Criticism  on  a  Nobleman,  187 

Deceptive  Spirit  (A),  260 

Defence  of  Ladies'  Dresses  (A\  Its 

Delhi,  190 

Demons  of  Plmlico  (The),  216 


125 
164 


Design  fora  Cartoon, 258 

Dinner- Table  Talk,  I 

Divide  and  Conquer.  132 

Divorce  Bill  (The),  3 

Divorce  Bill  Dissected  (The),  103 

Does  the  Bank  do  Bills?  214 

Doubtful  Benefit  of  Clergy,  149 

Downing  Street  and  Holy  well  Street,  1S8 

Dr.  Birch  and  Dr.  Punch,  62 

Drumming  for  the  Drapers,  138 

Dust,  Oh  I   Dust,  Oh!  70 

EFFECTS  of  a  Queen's  Holiday,  169 

England's  Difficulty  is   Ireland's  Oppor- 
tunity, 163 

Epigram  by  an  Uneducated  Donkey,  259 

Eventful  Session  (An),  103 

Extract  from  Bell's  Life  (An),  216 

;  hat  are  much  Stranger  than  Fic- 
tion,!) 

Fairy  Godmother  Outdone  (The),  148 

Fairy-Land,  33 

Fast  the  Day,  Fast  the  Deed,  160 

Fine  Young  English  Officer  (The),  71 

Fines  on  the  Fast-Day  (The),  150 

Flowers  from  /,<?  Pallet,  239 

Flowers  of  Fashionable  Intelligei: 

Fool's  Head  of  Hair  (The),  40 

Fortifications  of  Chelsea  (The),  2"  I 

Freedoms  of  the  Press,  7 

French  Proverbs  (By  a  Natif  d«  Paris), 
133,  145 

Fun  and  Freedom  of  Opinion,  254 

GAJIIII.KK'S  Wife  (The),  135 

Gambling  made  Easy  and  Comfortable,  124 

Garland  of  Wit  (A),  229 

Gleanings  from  a  Paddy  Field,  166 

Goldsmith's  Gold,  38 

Good-natured  Thoughts  (By  a  Stupid  Fel- 
low), 239 

Grotto  Nuisance  (The).  63 

HALF-HOLIDAY  at  Dieppe  (A),  58 

Happy  End  for  Hogs  (A),  236 

Harp  of  the  Hebrew  Minstrel  (The),  107 

Harvest  Carol,  80 

Haunted  Bridge  (The.),  70 

Head  and  a  Block,  116 

Hebrew  without  Points,  253 

Hen  Cuckoos,  10 

"  Here  we  all  Are,"  43 

Hero  and  a  Humbug  (A),  217 

Hero  of  Millwall  (The),  257 

Heroes  and  Haberdashers,  164 

High  Jinks  for  the  Humble  Classes,  241 

Hindoo  Smythology  (The),  147 

Hints  to  the  Hot,  49 

Homage  to  the  Horseradish,  258 

Horrors  of  Entomology,  239 

Hospital  for  Mangled  English  (A),  86 

House  dT  Commons'  Early  Closing  Asso- 
ciation, 101 

Housekeeper  on  Heroism  (A),  60 

How  about  the  Hoops  ?  94 

How  Estimates  Grow,  2 

How  Men  of  Business  do  Business,  113 

How  Mr.  Cooke  takes  Delhi,  259 

How  Titus  Maulius  Macauleius  was  made 
a  Patrician,  116 

How  to  Calculate  the  Height  of  the  Sea- 
son, 97 

How  to  make  an  Indian  Pickle,  70 

How  to  Ruin  your  Health,  13 

How  to  tell  a  Woman's  Age,  145 

Humble    Petition    of  the    British    Lion 
(The),  63 

Humiliation  Indemnity  Fund  (The),  147 

Humours  of  the  Sewers,  225 

Husbandmen  and  Lovers,  138 

Hymen  out  of  Town,  94 

Announcement,  40,  60,  60 


Indian  Parable  (An),  166 

Infirmary  for  Affections  of  the  Heart,  Mj 

Irish  Proverbs,  215 

Irony  for  Christmas,  269 

JAMES  THOMPSON,  Esq.  (ofChcnpirUe\  179 

John's  Warning  to  Jonathan,  23 

Journeymen  Parsons'  Wages,  168 

Junior  Irish  Brigade,  112 

Jury  Torture,  39 

Justice  to  Codrington,  108 

Juvenile  Art-Treasures,  178 

KEYS  of  Mystery,  195 

Kinreen  o'the  Dee,  121 

LADIKS  and  the  Looking-glass  (The),  174 

Ladies'  Scores  at  Linendrnpers'  Shops,  229 

Lady  and  a  Judge  (A),  283 

Lamentable  Lay  (A),  111 

Land  Brutes  and  Sea  Birds,  111 

Last  Fond  Looks,  93 

L«st  Man  (The),  117 

Last  Two  Swells  in  Town  (The),  79 

Latest  Congress  »f  Vienna  (The),  14.1 

Lawn  Sleeves  and  Shirt  Sleeves,  227 

Lay  of  the  Seaside  B— g  (The),  86 

Leader  from  the  Star  (A),  177 

Leader  of  a  Seaside  Paper  (The),  117 

Leaves  from  a  Christmas  Tree,  260 

"Les  Adieux  D'Osborno,"  b2 

Let  us  Join  the  Ladies,  27 

Libel  on  the  Sex  (A),  38 

l.iberavinms  Animam,  108 

"  Little  Girls  coma  out  to  play,"  153 

Locus  Pueuitentiif,  11)7 

Lndging-House  Sayings,  107 

London  Labour  and  the  London  Rich,  19 

Lord  Nathan,  8 

Lord  Punch  to  Lord  Coventry,  258 

Love  of  a  Dog  Lost  (A),  205 

.M  AH.  KIAS  v  Door  (The),  18 

Making  Game  of  Justice,  228 

Marriage  and  Its  Difficulties,  183 

Marriage  by  Advertisement,  146 

Mary,  the  Many-faced,  29 

Matrimonial  Market,  (The),  8 

Mcdiajval  Bauble  (A),  165 

Medical  Man  to  his  Mistress  (The),  .11 

Medical  Protection  Bill  (The),  18 

Medicine  of  the  Money  Market,  177 

Member  to  Pay  (The),  169 

Meras  of  a  Mother-in-Law,  30 

Mercator,  254 

Mercy  for  Nana  Sahib,  213 

"  Merrily  we  live  that  Soldiers  be,"  37 

Metallic  Operations,  260 

Midsummer  Morning's  Dream  (A),  60 

Millinery  in  Excelsis,  134 

Minute  Doses,  166 

Miracle-mongery,  239 

Mistrust  of  the  Militia,  105 

Mitre  In  Bethnal  Green  (A),  256 

Model  Wife  ill  1857  (The),  2S6 

More  News  of  Alexander  Pope,  226 

More  Plush  and  Buckles,  107 

Mormon  Intelligence,  126 

Mr.  Bowyer  on  Hard  Swearing,  3 

Mr.  Christopher  Clod  on  the  Prize  Servant 

System,  224 

Mr.  Cox  on  English  History,  188 
Mr.  John  Thomas  on  Enlistment,  165 
Mr.  Pnnch  and  the  Victoria  Cross,  4 
Mr.  Punch  at  the  Launch,  206 
Mr.  Punch's  Humanity,  266 
Mr.  Punch  upon  Purchase,  97 
Mr.  Punch's  Police,  208 
Mrs.FannyFern  on  the  American  Crisis,210 
Mrs.  Gamp's  Farewell  to  Mrs.  Harris,  7 
Mrs.  Threodneedle's  Complaint,  220 
MutabilitjPof  Fashion,  81 
My  Stars  and  Garters,  30 


Mysteries  of  the  City  (The),  109 

NF.MBSIS  in  Plaster  of  Paris,  91 

New  Interjection  (A),  259 

Newspaper  Cuttings,  !".• 

Nice  Young  Woman  Wanted  for  a  Small 

Party,  121 

No  Art  Nonsense,  40 
No  calling  Names,  246 
No  Grist  from  a  Cotton  Mill,  166 
Noah's  Ark  of  a  Heart  (A),  42 
Nose  a  Teat  of  Colour  (The),  229 
O,  SUAM,  where  is  thy  blu:.h  ?  27 
Ode  to  Francatclli,  1117 
Off  she  goes,  163 
Old  Lady's  Eureka  (The),  or  Death  to  the 

Flies,  63 

Old  Printers'  Haven  (The),  13 
Omnibusters,  217 
Our  Brother  of  Piedmont,  226 
Our  City  Article,  248 
Our  City  Poem,  176 
Our  Friend  Mr.  Cox,  224 
Our  Friends  who  Bless  their  Kni-mlrn,  21 
Our  National  Defences,  79 
Our  Overcrowded  Thoroughfares,  110 
Ourself  in  a  rage,  163 
PANIC  and  its  Consequences  (The),  209 
Paragons  in  Petticoats,  823 
Parliamentary  and  Ministerial  Education, 

67 

Parting  of  the  Pictures,  179 
Puiti Tns  for  Drapers'  Young  Men,  170 
Peep  into  Westminster  Hall  (A),  68 
Peers  and  the  Press  (The),  20 
Pen-and-lnkle  and  Yaiico,  93 
Perambulator-Tax  Wanted  (A),  80 
Performers  in  the  "  Grave  Scene,"  163 
Pboabe  and  the  Picnics,  41 
Physic  fur  the  Fair,  208 
Pindar  at  Newmarket,  105 
Pious  Blacking,  179 
Pity  the  Poor  Sepoys,  154, 184 
"  Plato,  thou  rcasouest  III !  "  92 
Playfulness  in  High  Life,  69 
Please,  don't  remember  the  Grotto,  61 
Poking  up  the  Seacole  Fire,  103 
Political  Warbler  (The),  67 
Pompey  on  Telegram,  177 
Popular  Prejudice  about  Authors,  146 
Population  of  the  Animated  Kingdom,  246 
Portrait  of  Lord  Palmerston  (aa  Imagined 

by  Foreigners),  127 
Prize  Labour  in  London,  218 
Proctor's  Pantomime  (The),  245 
Progress  of  Civilisation,  230 
Protection  from  Robbery,  29 
Punch  on  Purchase,  97 
Punch's  Essence  of  Parliament,  1, 11,  22, 

32,  &c. 
Punch's   Gentlemanly    System   of    Cab 

Fares,  94 

Punch's  Imaginary  Conversations,  237,250 
Punch's  Law  Reports,  19 
Punch's  Little  Police  Court,  81.  92 
Puppyisms  for  the  Dog  Days,  37 
Puseyism  and  Private  Families,  219 
"  Put  Out  the  Light,"  13 
QUACK  I  Quack  !  Quack  I  227 
Quacks  of  Advertising  Columns,  144 
Question  in  Bankruptcy  (A),  219 
Quite  a  New  Cry,  38 
KACY  Literature,  116 
Ragged  School  for  Servants  (A),  84 
Railway  Economy,  2 
Kampant  Ribbonism,  156 
Razzia  on  the  Rats,  146 
Re-Christening  the  Days  of  the  Week,  24 
Recruiting  Officer's  Assistant  (The),  144 
Reform  your  Lawyers'  Bills,  133 


264 


INDEX. 


[DECEMBER  26,  1857. 


Refiww  your  Railway  Calls,  57 

Reminders,  114 

K, -sting-Place  for  Richard  Co:ur-de-Llon 

Reverend  Jocko,  2CO 
Rights  of  Women  (The),  28 
Robbing  a  Mare's  Nest,  125 
Romance  of  Hampton  Court  (A),  126 
Romance  of  the  Post  Office  (A),  199 
Room  Required  of  Company,  64 
SADDLE  and  Bridal,  127 
Sevastopol  Avenged,  203 
Secret  Revealed  (The);  60 
Security  Wanted,  244 
"  Sedet  jEternnmque  Sedebit,"  70 
Self  Constituted  Beadles,  28 
Sepoy  Governor-General  (The),  170 
Sepoy  Leader  (A),  16.'! 
s.  irnaile  tor  the  Session,  240 
shopman's  Adieu  to  the.  Ladies  (The),  14i 
Signs  of  the  Season,  267 
Silly  Solons,  225 
Silver  Superseded,  49 
Simple  History  of  a  Portrait  (The),  224 
Six  Pairs  of  Turtles,  29 
Slavery  at  Turnbam  Green,  168 
Small  Packet  of  Chinese  Tea-Le  aves,  42 
Smith  O'Brien's  Studs,  67 
Smith  the  Poet,  122 
Snobs  all,  ray  Masters,  176 
Soapy's  Bravado,  104 
Social  Treadmill  (The),  8,  21,  31,  44,  &c. 
Soldier's  Fare,  24 
Song  for  the  Shop  (A),  150 
Song  of  the  Chemist  and  Druggist,  33 
Song  of  the  House  (The),  72 
Song  of  the  Light  Weight,  11,3 
Song  of  the  Sporting  Member,  63 
Sound  and  Sense,  42 
Sources  of  Happiness,  123 
Southampton  Cure  for  Ma(i)n(e)iacs,  146 
Speech  of  Materfamilias  (The),  100 
Spicy  Article  (A  1,223 
Sporting  Intelligence,  136 
Spread  of  the  Fashion  (The),  208 
Spurgeon  Advertiser  (The),  49 
Stand  up  for  the  Stumps  (A),  59 
Star  of  Valour  (The),  2 
Stocks  for  Scoundrels.  260 
Straw  Stirred  in  the  Augean  Stable,  52 
Streams  of  Modern  England  (The),  102 
Strong-Minded  Woman's  Club  (The),  240    ! 
Success  :  a  Song  of  Vicious  Indignation,  ('.> 
Sugar  Market  (The),  186 
Survey  of  a  Lady's  Dress,  7 
Sweep  for  the  Sweeps,  203 
Sweet  Uses  of  Prosperity  (The),  258 
^ydenham  Statistics,  9 
TAMS  Wild  Sports,  131 
Telegram  and  Telegraph,  175 
Tests  of  the  Passions,  257 
Theatrical  Telegrams,  265 
rhermopylte  and  Cawnpore,  208 
Thieves  Before  and  Behind  the  Conn  ter,  197 


Thoughts  for  any  Weather,  33 

Thoughts  on  the  Sand,  61 

Threatened  Abolitiou   of  the    House   of 

Lords,  254 
To  a  Lady,  157 
To  a  Respectable  Vestry,  145 
To  Mr.  Murray,  233 
Toad-Kating,  136 

Turnpike  Tricks  on  Travellers,  34 
Turkish  Pipes  and  lifer,  95 
Two  Churches  (The),  136 
Two-foot  Rule  (A),  203 
Two  Giants  of  the  Time  'The),  132 
ULTRAMONTANE  against  England,  149 
Uncontrollable  Beings,  9 
Unfashionable  Intelligence,  258 
Unfortunate  Observation  (An),  194 
Union  among  Bigots,  17 
VKI.L,  Vy  not,  My  Tear?  138 
Venison  Ham,  259 
Verbum  Sapienti,  135 
Very  Light  Reading,  67 
Very  Pretty  Sentiment  (A),  39 
Very  Sorry  to  Hear  it,  240 
Viciiera  of  Soutliwark,  10 


Vision  of  Siren  Soup  (A), 
Vivat  Victoria  Rcgia,  113 


143 


113 

"  Voices  of  the  Night,"  92 

Vulgar  Fellow  (A  ',  200 

WALK  up,  and  Hehold  the  Wonderful.  173 

Wanted,  a  Saw-Pit,  67 

Warrior  and  the  Waiter  (The,),  180 

We  can't  Make  a  Bridge,  197 

Welsh  Kiss  (A),  131 

"  Weasel  "  of  Wrath  (A),  220 

Westminster  Colloquy  (A),  17 

What  Gammon  !  174 

WhatisaTubman?  215 

What  's  this  Dull  Town  to  Me?  118 

Where  is  the  Service  Going  to  ?  14 

Who's  to  Blame?  154 

Wlggy-cum-Cocky,  47 

Will  it  Wash?  183 

Window-Gardening,  2 

Wiscount  Williams'  Windication,  4 

Wolf!  39 

Women  of  England  and  their  Slaves,  91 

Wonderful  Haul.     By  Frank,  105 

Word  from  a  Wife's  Mother  (A),  148 

Word  of  Truth  for  us,  Even  from  a  Man 

167 

Word  to  the  Avenger  (A),  107 
Words  to  the  Wise  ;  or  the  Donkey's  Dic- 

tionary, 245 

"  Write  about  Face,"  145 
ZUB-ATLANTIC  Telegraph  (The),  82 

LARGE  ENGRAVINGS  :— 

AMERICAN  Crisis  (The),  211 

Asiatic  Mystery  (The),  55 

British  Lion's  Vengeance  on  the  Bong 

Tiger  (The),  76,76 
Clemency  of  Canning  (The),  171 


Emperors  at  Stuttgardt  (The),  119 

Every  Inch  a  Soldier,  35 

Execution  of  John  Company,  65 

Family  Doctor  (The),  230 

Heartless  Robbery,  15 

Interesting  Ceremony,  201 

Justice,  109 

.Mr.  Hull's  Expensive  Toys,  181 

Mr.  Punch  receiving  the  Victoria  Cross,  5 

"O  God  of  Battles!  Steel  my  Soldiers' 

Hearts!"  151 
Order  of  Release  (The),  99 
Patent  Safety  Railway  Buffer,  25 
Pam  (the  Celebrated  Chef)  making  his 

Christmas  Pudding,  261 
Popish  Organ  Nuisance  (The),  126 
Red  Tape  Serpent  (The),  161 
Scene  from  Ivanhoe,  45 
State  Butler  (The),  240 
Too  Civil  by  Half!  191 
Very  Graceful  !  !  !  261 
We  '11  Serve  the  Sliop,  141 
Whore  the  Money  Really  is  !  221 
Who  will  Serve  the  Country?  140 
Willing  Hands  for  India,  88,  89 

SMALL  ENGRAVINGS  :— 

Aonixa  Insult  to  injury,  73 

Armoury  Going  Home  (The),  180 

Artistic  Studio  (The),  160 

As  Sleep  is  out  of  the  Question,  F.:in;;s 
Practises  Dancing,  260 

Beard  Movement  (The),  122 

Bishop  and  his  Game  Certificate,  100 

"  Bother  the  Nasty  Flies  !  "  17 

Bowker,  and  his  Powers  of  Canine  At- 
tractiveness, 166 

Case  for  the  Police  (A),  61 

Cat  that  Swears  (A),  144 

Chesnut  that  has  Been  in  the  Crimea 
(The),  220 

Civil  Cabman  (The),  14 

Cockney  Fashions  for  the  Moor.-;,  91 

Common  Objects  at  the  Seaside,  104 

Contemplative  Dustmen,  248 

Cool  Summer  Dress,  40 

Course  of  True,  &c.,  Never  did,  &o., 
(The),  34 

Cracked  Bell  (The),  194 

Decent  figure  (A),  186 

Deer-Stalking  made  Easy,  210 

Delicious  Dip  (A),  60 

Effect  of  Eating  many  Mushrooms,  247 

Effect  of  not  Taking  Notice,  116 

Effect  of  Sixpence  for  Seven-  eighths  of  a 
Mile,  30 

Farmer  Giles's  Dream  after  Visiting 
the  Cattle  Show,  -V>7 

Fast  Young  Lady  and  Old  Gent,  92 

Fireworks  under  Crinoline,  125 

Flunkeiana,  10,  147    >. 

Flunkeiana  Rustica,  256 


From  the  Mining  Districts,  254 

Full  Marching  Order,  72 

Great  Bonnet  Question  (The),  196 

Great  Social  Evil  (The),  114 

Here  's  a  Nuisance  now  !  208 

Highly  Accommodating,  93 

Hint  to  the  Enterprising  (A),  197 

Honeymoon  (The),  81 

;<  I  '11  See  you  Safe  over  the  Crossing,"  24 

Impertinent  Curiosity,  226 

Incident  with  the  O. P.O.  Hounds  (An), 

200 

Irresistible,  105 
Jcnes  Tries  his  new  Hack,  64 
Judge  by  Appearance  (A),  118 
Jullien  and  the  Poodle,  217 
Latest  Fashion  (The),  8 
Little  Surprise  for  Muggins,  115 
Malicious,  95 

Margate  Excursion  Boat  Arrives,  85 
More  Novelty,  210 
Mr.  Punch  at  the.  Launch,  205 
New  Force  in  the  Army  (A),  207 
New  Regulation  Dress  (The),  20 
Nice  Little  Dinner  (The),  176 
Not  a  Bad  Idea  for  Warm  Weatlier,  54 
Not  much  Beauty  at  the  Crystal  Palace, 

167 

Old,  Old  Bird  (The),  11 
Party,  and   "  the  Ugly  Brute  of  Skyc 

Terrier,"  170 
Patience  Rewarded,  108 
Peep  into  Westminster  Hall  (A),  68 
Plush  et  Knee  Plush,  225 
Photographic  Truth,  233 
Pleasant  for  "  Charles  Dear,"  230 
Popkinson's    Extremely  Reprehensible 

Behaviour,  82 
Rather  Deep,  190 
Round  Hat  at  a  Review  (The),  44 
.-i']i .ibl«    Riding    Costume    for    Warm 

Weather.  4 
Servantgallsm,  134 
Something  like  a  Panic  !  206 
Spile,  234 

Stereoscopic  Portraits,  224 
Swimmers  (The),  124 
Terrible  Accident,  250 
That  Horrid  Master  Bob  !  235 
Too  Bad,  99 

Tremendous  Sacrifice  (The),  150 
Two  Churches  (The),  130 
"  Vanderdecken,  by  Jove  !  "  214 
Very  Artful  Contrivance  (A),  80 
Very  Pretty  Quarrel  (A),  70 
Very  Thing  (The),  128 
We  want  More  Bishops  (Sam),  227 
What  an  Artist  has  to  put  up  with,  38 
What  does  he  do  with  them  Whiskers? 

177 
What 's  the   Matter  with  your    Legs 

Fwed  ?  187 

"  Where  Ignorance  is  Bliss,"  240 
Young  Lady  and  Betsy  Simmons,  40 


LONDON  : 
BRADBURY  ASD  EVANS,  PBIXTP.RS,  WBlTEFRlAnS. 


Punch 


PLEASE  DO  NOT  REMOVE 
CARDS  OR  SLIPS  FROM  THIS  POCKET 

UNIVERSITY  OF  TORONTO  LIBRARY 


•» 


>  >^ 


.£»3»~ 
•S»~